Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Name Names | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #12

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder join forces and discuss their biggest regrets, the craziest women they've ever been with, Baby Reindeer, their gripes with social media, and so much more. Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... SOCIALS Robert Kelly ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/  robertkellylive   Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/  gomezcomedy    luisjgomez   Joe List  joelistcomedy    joelistcomedy   Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/ dansoder   Thanks to @johng.wav on Instagram for the intro music. SPONSORS Better Help https://betterhelp.com/regz for 10% off FÜM https://www.tryfum.com/regz promo code: Regz for 10% off Capsulyte https://capsulyte.com/ promo code: REGZ for 30% off your order of $25 or more! Small Batch Cigars https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/ Use code REGZ for 10% plus 5% rewards points Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. We'll just change it up. Testing one, two. Testing one, two. What's up, everybody? Parody. Parody songs, dude. It's back. The regs are back.

You wanted it twice a month. You actually want it every day, but we're only doing it twice a month. I got Joe List, aka The Truth, Dan Soda, aka Corporate Dan, Louis J. Gomez, aka The Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, and I'm Robert Kelly, the dude. We're back. We got some news for you. Louis, we're back. We're back.

We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. aka Corporate Dan, Louis J. Gomez, aka the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, and I'm Robert Kelly the Dude. We're back, we got some news for you. Louis, what do you got? It's not news. It's clarification. This is what you always do. You always neg.

Whoa! I'm a dirty negger. A lot of people have said that about me. A lot of people said that I'm a no good, dirty, low Negger. Listen, you Neg, just give the plug. I'm plugging. Just plug it. Negger's gonna Neg. Cut to me not laughing, please.

Can you cut to me just staring? We'll call it forever. I am not smiling at all. I think there's some times people get confused as to where to find the show. If you guys wanna to listen to that. The audio version. And that time is every single day.

The audio version of the show is available on the YKWD feed. Look for the Robert Kelly You Know What Dude feed. You have the audio version of the show. And if you want the video version of the show, it has its own YouTube channel. And that's because Bobby does not have the balls to face the fucking higher ups at his fucking corporate.

I get called corporate Dan, but you are. Corporate Bobby just afraid. I. I get called corporate Dan, but you are. Corporate Bobby, just afraid. I am afraid of serious corporate, and I need that money. And Bobby, I'm going to help you out. I'm not going to throw. They're scary. I'm not going to throw you that money like Dan did. Yeah.

They're scary. They're scary. They have a lot, they have a lot of team. They're scary white guys. And also we got Joe. What? Oh God. Oh July 10th?

Woo! July 10th with Gramercy Theater. In New York City baby. Probably not on sale yet but put a save the date out there. July motherfucking. And here's the deal, that show we're doing a live regs podcast. Podcast. Yes.

At the Melanie tent. Melody. Melody tent in, Godod in the summer August 15th August 15th that is a comedy show we're doing stand-up and at the end that's confusing because it doesn't say that at all So you would think that it's the opposite We're doing a live comedy show, 20-something minutes each, and then we're going to come out at the end and fuck around. Suck each other's dicks. Lemon party.

What's that mean? I mean, it's old guys sucking each other off. And that's what we are. That's just me. We're old. It's a half-lemon lemonade and a half-lemon party. The lemonade party. Arnold Palmer party.

I'll poop. So we're back. Yes, I'm excited to see you guys. I was very excited to see you guys. I missed you guys. I feel like you pointed at Louis when you said that. He did. I'm his best friend here. You were like, I'm excited to see you guys.

That is good. You know what? That is good ranking. Who is who's best friend? I do hang out with Louis the most. Well, your kids are best friends. Yeah. That's why.

No, we hung out before that. No, you didn't. Yeah, we did. No, you didn't. Before, he would have best friends. Yeah. That's why, that's why. No, no, we hung out before that. No, you didn't. Yeah, we did. No, you didn't. Before, he would have me move his stuff out of his garage and give him a storage.

Give you Puerto Rican worth. Yeah, first of all, he'd. And he would tell me, it was like a favor to me, no money. Yeah. Yeah, I had a wooden table that I would throw up. He would hot wife Don with you, you'd bang Don in front of him.

I had a $1,100 wooden table that him and Scopo were just dragging down the fucking concrete. Well, Scopo just left it on his ass and walked it down. You pay for what you get, doggy. You can't complain about your free labor, your slave labor. It's not free. I got you pizza. That is.

Remember the pizza? It's crazy. Because I know. I know the type of money Bobby was making at the time. And it's actually crazy that you didn't offer us any money. Was I making money? Enough to buy a, yeah, you were headlining. You were selling out clothes. You've been headlining for 35 years, Bobby. Here's the thing I taught you. You're on Carson. You need to ask. You need to ask. I was on Carson. I wish I was.

I wish it was Carson. Comics definitely take care of younger comics way better now. It's great. I see it now. I see it all the time. It's great. I see it now. It's crazy. By the way, nobody ever kicked me back anything. I had the same thing. Ever. I'm here. Like not a dollar. I never had a flight thought for me.

What the fuck? Ba ba ba ba ba. I'm hearing some stories on the road about some major headliners. Name names, can I say new rule? New rule. Have to name names. It's gonna start shit with people.

I don't care. Yeah you do. I don't care. I don't care. It's gonna start shit with people. I don't care. Yeah, you do. I don't care. I don't care either, go. I do care. I don't, cause. Why? Corp. Dan.

No. Then put this feed on a regular regs feed. Woo! Oh, is that it? Done. Whoa! Done. So you can check our audio on the regs feed.

No, this is a few. This is a few. No, you can't do that. Listen, don't confuse these fucking people. All right, just tell us how big. Are we talking clubs, theaters, or arenas? Theaters! If you're playing theaters, back your guy. $100 a show to the opener.

Theaters? No. $100 a show to the opener. And this ain't when you started in the 60s. Name names! I don't want to name names, Louis. Don't name names, mouth it to me. No. Yeah. No, why don't I want to say it?

You know this is- You can go ahead and say it. It's a rumor though. That's why I don't want to say it. Cause also the person that told me open- Are we friends with this person? No. The person-

I wish. The person that told me this opens for them as like real, hey, this is green room talk. And I don't want to blow that. Yeah. Oh yeah. I know. I know. I know several, you know, several. Well, you give some, what a little sewing circle. I don't know. Can I say, can I say naming the name wouldn't be a bad thing because then they would change it. Is it a woman? I kind of agree with you. Wait a minute.

No, but you can do that in private. Dan, is it a woman or? Man. It's a man. But there's a woman too. Oh really? Yeah. There's a couple.

We can all text each other. You know, can I say this? The reason we won't name names, and we might, I still may, it's on the tip of my tongue, it may slide out at any given moment, Okay. No, that motherfucker makes a hash. Oh, I'm gonna tell you right now and I'm just going to tell you the theater, the Chicago theater sits over fourth theater, the Chicago theater seats over 4,000 people, I think around there. Let's do the math. So you're probably making, he's doing two sold out shows and 100 a ticket, 150 a ticket. Probably. Yeah. At least 70, at least 80 at least 70 at least 80 a ticket at least 80 a ticket and you're making that's two hundred

thousand dollars in a night per show a night I'd probably say a hundred thousand a show with everything said and done and you're paying your opener it's full it's four hundred thousand dollars if it's a hundred dollars a ticket I cut it in half because there's got to be a hundred and fifty dollars you have to you have to pay your you have to pay your fucking, for the theater, everybody. That's 400, that's almost a half a million. That is ridiculous. That's a show.

That's ridiculous, $100 a show for an opener. I'm going to retroactively take all the money I give to Zach and Scott back. This is crazy, I don't need to give them anything. Yeah dude, I'm going to Venmo all my old openers. I don't have anything to give. I'm gonna pay Danny more money for this weekend. Yeah.

Danny's sitting over there like, Danny prompted us. He goes, you guys should bring up how much openers make. Max, did I send you your extra money for that week? So Joe, to kind of argue your point, I think there still is a problem. We've also already had this conversation on the podcast, like pretty much word for word, I think. Yeah, have we? Not this podcast. I think so. is a problem. We've also already had this conversation on the podcast, like pretty much word for word, I think.

Yeah, have we? Not this podcast. I think so. No, when? Because I knew who you were talking about because Dan was talking about. Yeah, but this is, can I say something? No, he didn't, no he didn't.

This is new. I never brought this up because I learned this two weeks ago. He was talking about being shitty in green rooms. That's what you're confusing. Yeah. We didn't say his name though. Oh, nevermind.

And also, I learned this two weeks ago, so there's no way I talked about this. Huh, okay. Cause I worked with- No, he was confusing. Thank you for ruining the fucking flow. Honorary Chris Scopo, flow winner in the fucking corner. Jesus Christ, at least have a big butt when you do it.

For no reason. I mean, that's fucking nuts. That's nuts. And someone should say something to him. If I was friends with him, I probably would say something. Because the podcast money is fucking nuts. That's nuts. And someone should say something to him. If I was friends with him, I probably would say something. Because the podcast money is fucking nuts. Yeah. You just, like.

Nevermind that money. That money's crazy. Look, let's move on. We're not naming names. We should get a guest on the show. Maybe. He's big. Big get.

Huge get. I wanna know who the girl is. That guy probably makes a lot of money on the road. Text me the girl. I wanna know the girl. Text me, Joe. That'd be a big get. Big get a huge get to know the girl that probably makes a lot of money on the road. Text me the girl. I want to know the girl. Text me. That'd be a big get. It'd be a big get points. We think we can pay $100 to be on the show. Big book. And guess what?

I don't think you'll see any of us on this podcast. Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. I can't wait to hear the girl. Oh, yeah. I got to go. Really? You know the girl? Wild. Wild. Say the girl. It's a girl. She can't do anything to us. Joe. Did you text the group? Can I tell you? I don't even know who that

is. I don't even know who the fuck that is. This is such a little sewing circle. Who is it? He texted me and Dan. He didn't text. Well, I texted Dan and then you asked. What are you an asshole? Well, I didn't want to text the whole group. No, but you're going to say it. Oh. That's what I heard. Who is that? Do you know her? Yeah. I don't even know who that is. Dan knows her. Plead the fifth. How do you know her?

I plead the fifth, dude. Let's just move on. Danny's right. We had this conversation. So there's a few people, but in general, I think, I take it's much better. I take care of my openers better than I was taking care of. I will say. But you should.

Damn, I hope Louis doesn't see this. Louis was great. Louis gave you guys Rolexes. Louis didn't give me one. I had to go fucking buy mine. We've never talked about Louis giving Rolexes on the show. I'll tell you that much. You what?

We've never talked about Louis giving Rolexes on the show. Fuck you, Dan. I saw his little fucking eyes lit up. He was like,es on the show. I'll tell you that much. You what? We've never talked about Louie giving Rolexes on the show. Yes, we have. Fuck you, Dan. I saw his fucking eyes lit up. He was like, oh, another topic I can never. Did you get into any incidences in Jamaica? Just with my girlfriend. Never mind.

Let me not mind. Oh, move on. Please. Are we going to have to start the podcast over again? Yes. Guys, July 10th, Gramercy Theater. I'm Robert Kelly. It's on the you-know-what dude feed.

No. People, they're too good. We've given too much info. They're gonna figure it all out. Yeah, they'll find out and that's fine. That's okay, they piece it together. Yeah, guys welcome to the regs clues. We like to give clues at the beginning.

Oh, do you get your decoder ring in the mail? Find out who's not paying their openers a substantial amount of money. So let me ask you a question. You play a club, a theater, and an arena. It's a different pay scale. Yeah, what? Arena?

Like Ben and Jerry's. I did arenas with Dane. How much money do you think I got for doing 80 arenas? Can I tell you what he should have given you? Okay, given. Given? I'm sorry, I don't like when people do that to me either. That's all right, I'm retarded.

I like when you correct me. I don't like it. I like it. I hate it. Let me boss me around. Do you? On an arena, you should have been making $5,000 a show. Okay.

That's high. What do you think? That's a little high. $5,000 is high. Arena? Per show to open? 10,000? I guess I'm just a socialist.

10,000 to 20,000 people a show? To expect 5,000 for an opener. Especially when you are genuinely replaceable. It's just the opener. Literally anybody is going to do that job. I guess we just find a ticket for you. I guess if you if I was doing arenas and I had you on the show, me, you as my middle, you can't follow me.

But what a hypothetical world. Can you can you follow him? I can. I can. I was serious about it. All right, dude, but follow him. I can follow him. I can follow him. It was serious, Bob. All right, dude, but there is like, I got these two new bits and they're fucking killing Dave. Dude, I...

Bobby could follow you as long as you didn't start jogging. Sprint your toast. I don't know how much weight I'll lose. I'll always still be the fat guy. Listen, if I was taking you on the road and you were my guy and we were doing fucking G5s... How much are you making per show? You got it. I'll add it up. I want to add it up. I think like say quarter of a million dollars quarter million Arena and arena and arena you're making to take 15,000 five thousand dollars is too much hundred and fifty two hundred and twenty five dollars

You're not gonna give you a million. It's a million over a million a show a million over a million a show I'd probably give at least five thousand a show, but I don't think it really is a million over a million a show a million over a million a show I'd probably give at least five thousand show But I don't think it really is a million and I don't I also here expecting is one thing You're right. You shouldn't expect it. But is the headliner a million over a million a show? How much do you think I should give if I was making one million dollars per show? I would do five shows and retire shows and retire. I'd be fucking out. You would never see me again. I'd do one month of shows and I would retire from comedy

and you would never speak to me. Absolutely, I get that. Yeah, I'm done. I'd be out. I'd have a bigger tiny house. I got two tiny houses, dude. I got two connected. No, if I was making $1 million per show,

I would give my opener $25,000 per show. What? Yeah, that's nice. If I was making $1 million per show, I would give my opener $25,000 per show. What? Yeah. That's nice. I was making $1 million per show. $25,000. You give your opener 25% of your earnings? That's not 25%.

There's no one nears. 2.5%. Yes, I give my opener way more. You're not giving them $225,000. Doggie, in fucking Philly, my opener's made more money than me, literally. How? Because I didn't make that much money and I promised them more than I should have. Oh, there you go.

You never promised until it's over. I actually lost 200 bucks. I was on the road and the money was at the contract. It was like, after $5,000, you make the money. And I made, I think, I made 5,500 bucks. So I had to pay him 200 and the hotels and the rental car. I lost money on the kick. You don't say anything until the weekend's over and then you give them a little kickback. That's all you do.

A little extra. Give them a little kickback. I give a little kickback. Anyways, this is two inside baseball. Yeah. I'm just saying, Bobby, you didn't give us kickbacks when we opened for you. Can I say something? You would have us sell posters and then not give us money.

I gave you money out of the post. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Okay. I should have. I should have. But first of all you guys selling posters was fucking... I was horrible at it. You would just stand there like this, thanks, dansoda.com. I want to go smoke a cigarette.

Yeah. You were great. Thank you. You would actually bully people for buying shit. You fucking pissed me off dude. I'm like yo come here give me your wallet motherfucker. Yeah but... I go like this guy go I only have 20 I go that's all right You want to know one of the biggest mistakes I I regret max Kelly no You not open it for my special I should had all three you guys open for my special what the village underground I should had you guys go up and do spots when you said let me go up and I was like I don't know what the fuck it was. I should let you go up. Who opened? Jared Logan. I regret that. Because somebody told me you're gonna have this guy's an

opener he gets the crowd going blah blah blah and I was I was so nervous and so fucked up about it and he looked at me at one point he goes dude fucking let me do it and I was like no and I regret that. He fake sucked your dick on that stage. It still bothers me. I didn't have you. Your biggest regret is not having me open for your fucking. On my special, it should have been on my special. You should have opened on my special.

You should have been on the fucking show. My biggest regret was not telling my dad to quit drinking, but I guess we're the same. Same thing really. It's not on you, Daniel. You can't take that responsibility. Thanks, Joe. I like that I look to the right whenever I need help. I love you, you don You can't take that responsibility. Thanks, Joe. Yeah. I like that I look to the

right whenever I need a little support. I love you. You don't have to do that. What is your biggest regret in life for real? That's a great question. What's your biggest regret? He just said it. It's not really that's crazy. That's not you suck the dick for a steak. True. That's a huge regret. That wasn't a regret. Got a steak. That's become great. I learned I learned I wasn't gay. You ever had a filet was great. I learned I wasn't gay. Have you ever had a filet mignon? I learned I was just lonely. I sucked meat to have meat. Forget mignon.

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can take it to the bar, you can take it to the club. Bring it to Skankfest. Yeah dude, what a great product for Skankfest, you feel good all three days. Of course man, just go to Capsulite.com and use the promo code REGZ when you check out. You're going to save 30% off your order today. Once again that's Capsulite.com, C-A-P-S-U-L-Y-T-E dot com regs for 30% off. Alright, let's go. 30%? What's your biggest regret in life, Joe? That was a good one.

I don't know, I mean you have so many. It's hard to point to one. Not getting racist? I'm sorry. I had races. You did? Yeah. How did you fucking defeat races?

They were on his legs. Someone just. I mean, there's so many regrets. I mean, my whole career, everything professionally, women is a big regret. I had no confidence whatsoever. I told you, I found a photo. I don't regret that.

The herpes has to be the biggest regret. It's gotta be top three. It's gotta be. No, I got laid. Every single time I didn't fuck is above when I got herpes. That's crazy. No, getting herpes, warts, that's a fucking badge of honor. That's a war scar.

That's a good thing. It freaks me the fuck out since this day. I can give it to you right now. No, please. I got an outbreak. Are you having another outbreak? How often do you have outbreaks? Every three days.

It's... It seems like your life is a nightmare. No, it's fine. You take a Valtryek, you take a pill, it's done. How long does it last when you take the pill? Like a day? You wake up and it's gone? No, if you take take a pill, it's done. How long does it last when you take the pill? Like a day? You wake up and it's gone? No, well if you take it every day, it like suppresses it.

You have a once daily Valtryek. You do that currently. I don't, but people do and it's fine. What happens with a outbreak? Does you get a little cold sore on your dick? You feel it, it's like it's not fun. You take the Valtryek, Valtryek kicks its ass in like a few days and it's like having like a little

tiny blister on your dick. It's not great. Imagine herpes pre Valtryeks. You're just in like a few days and it's like having like a little tiny blister on your dick. Imagine herpes pre Valtryeks. You're just like, oh, he just died sores. It's awful. I mean, it's not great But it's just the thing. It's what is the worst herpes outbreak you've ever had the first one. It was one What was there? I was playing connect the dots That was when I was drinking and it was the first time my body had never seen the virus before, so I didn't know what to do. So like my back was aching, my fucking glands

were all swollen and I was drinking like 15 Captain and Cokes a night. Yeah baby. So my dick was just like destroyed for like weeks, like three weeks. And what do you mean? He said, this is what he said to me on the train while we were riding into Queens,

we were riding from Queens into the city. I'm getting anxiety thinking about this right now. He went like this, he goes, it's like there's 75 paper cuts on my dick. That's what I felt like. It felt like Puppet put cigarettes out of my dick. Oh my God. But there's never been one like that since.

And I had warts too. I fucking got after it, dude. Yeah, you did. Dude, you fucking really, you were like Rocky Balboa fucking. I really had a good time. You were swollen shut. But I mean, comedy, drinking through all those years.

You never wore rubber, you just never thought to put a rubber on your dick? No, I think women thought I never get lates. They thought they were like, this is probably the first time. Face, personality, forehead, teeth. Most people just don't like rubbers. That's really, I think, what it comes down to.

Anytime I've had sex with a rubber, usually you have sex once with a rubber, and then you go, here's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the girl to go, hey, do you have a condom? And I'm like, all right, she's clean, she's safe. You fuck that first time with a condom, and then you go, we don't need these other two condoms. Get this out of here.

You're cool, right? You seem so cool. Yeah. Is there anything better than fucking when the condom breaks? When you bang it with the condom, and then it breaks, and then you feel that. Oh! That's what it must be like to, then it breaks and then you feel that. Oh!

That's what it must be like to be like water tortured and then come up for, like, oh! Oh, thanks for not drowning me. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You ever lose a condom in a girl's vag? Yeah. Then you gotta fish it out. Yeah, like a doctor. Yeah. Like, I got it. I got it.

I remember one time I was fucking a chick. Yeah? like a doctor. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. Yeah. I remember one time I was fucking a chick. Yeah. Uh, she was on her period. Jay did stop center period and uh, I, I fucked her and she left the tampon in that's toxic shock syndrome. And then I, I fucked the condom up into her came out. String out of her nose. That was Lewis's first magic trick. I did it, dude. Yeah. I fucked the condom all the way into her to support was like shoved up there. Like she didn't even know like a few days, like a few days went by

and she was like, she was like, what happened to that condom? The other day, like I or not kind of the, um, the tampon rather. I'm sorry. Not the condom. Did she ask you to pull it? Take it behind her ear. It goes right here. Is this your card? It's the bloody damn thing. Oh! Has a signature on it? You just wedged it in her?

He said, is this your tard? And he points at himself. That was good. Bum down. You know what, I don't know. I kind of liked it. Yeah, you liked it, but you're in a good mood. It wasn't good.

True, it was all right. Didn't even go with anything. Tard. He just wanted to say tard. Rhymed, he was doing a rhyme pun. Is this your tard? Joe, you're better than rhyme puns. Rhyme go with anything, you tarred. He just wanted to say tarred. He rhymed, he was doing a rhyme pun. Joe, you're better than rhyme puns. Rhyme puns are very, very low.

You're not. No, I'm not, I have a new rhyme pun in my act. Oh, what is it? I talked about how my mom is abusive, and I was like, but she's physically abusive, she's not sexually abusive. And I was like, that would've been way better. I was like, I was always very jealous of my friends

who were sexually molested instead of getting beaten. And then the rhyme pun is I was like, I be getting my ass beaten and they be getting their ass eaten. That's a deaf jam shit. I don't mind that. I don't mind it. Honestly, I think it clears as long as the music kicks in after it. DJ hit that shit. I'm gonna get my ass beaten. I'm gonna get my ass beaten. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Let me find new friends.

So what's your biggest regret, Lou? The mustache? Nailed you. His facial hair doesn't connect. He has to grow that. My mustache is good. What is my biggest regret in life? My biggest regret.

My biggest regret. My biggest. Yeah, if you keep saying it, I don't know who will pop up. Biggest regret. I don't really have many regrets. No? Damn, you really live your life. More than a mile at a time.

Well, I mean, look, it's definitely after my son was born, right? I don't want to fuck up that whole thing. So anything before the sperm met that egg, changing nothing before that, right? Because it got you to have baby James. Baby James. That specific sperm had to meet that specific egg, right? So anything, even like just being off beat, a different sperm would have met that egg. If we would have

lasted another three seconds longer, a different sperm would have met that egg. That's some fucking... Yeah. It would. No, I understand how fucking disworks. a different sperm would have met that egg. That's some fuckin', that's a, yeah. It would. No, I understand how fuckin' this works. No, I understand another one. I'm gonna tell you right now, Lewis Science sucks. I mean, it is fuckin' boring and confusing. Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.

That sperm didn't meet that egg. Hey, everybody! Different sperm leads to different babies. I'll do another one, in fact, I'll do a vanilla, a ice. I'll take another one too, but that's sweet cream vanilla cold brew, but Lewis you're talking about gratitude Which is wonderful and beautiful gratitude. I love you. Yeah, you're grateful for the way things worked out Yeah, that doesn't mean you don't also have regrets I'm sure you fucked some pig or beat up some guy or really mean to some of the pause Hold on I thought one throw I just say it real quick? Hold on, I thought of one.

Throwing the egg at my car? Lewis, you're cool as shit. The way Joe describes you, he goes, some slut you fucked, some dude you beat. I'm like, no regrets. I'm gonna step in here and tell Lewis. No, I remember. Surely you picked on a child at some point recently.

One of my, I mean I have like. Some cab driver that got shipped out because Lewis got him arrested. If I were to look back and it would not change the sperm meeting that egg, yes. I'm sure there are other regrets before that. You get baby James. I get baby James no matter what.

No matter what. I feel really bad for calling this girl Radha Singh ugly in the sixth grade. She sounds ugly. I said Radha Singh. Well guess what, she is the best brain surgeon at Johns Hopkins now because she's like, I am going to work to make sure Lewis regrets.

I was really mean to this girl for no reason. She's a nice girl. Yeah. And then it made me feel like when I threw a tomato opening for you at Kelly Fustuka and you guys both got mad at me because I just took a tomato and went, Hey, Kelly, why did you do that? And I was like, I'm sorry. Uh, was'm sorry. What was another regret? It's funny though. Damn funny. One time I was fucking this real whore.

It's real whore bad. A real slut. All three of the Legion of Skanks have had sex with this girl. This girl was a real pig. She has no type. The trifecta. This girl was fucking hardcore parkour.

Her type is smell. She is the skank. Queen skank, dude. Yeah, dude. Queen skank, dude. Yeah, dude. She's got like three stripes like a general. She was a real pig. And I remember her. What a pig.

You probably remember her. She used to show up at the creek all the time. Yep. 100%. You know exactly who it is, right? That bitch. She was out there just sucking and fucking. And I remember we were hanging out,

and I started falling for her because there's something about a guy. I don't know exactly what it is, dude. I know this girl has fucked my friends. She's like, I? No, but... Let the story play out. Dude's fucking like... Me, I mean, maybe not every guy, but I'm just like a... I'm like, I feel it. If I'm having sex with

somebody for a while, all of a sudden I have feelings now. And this is for a pick. You know what? Can I just tell you as someone that has really struggled with intimacy, I'm jealous of that because that means you have the avenue of intimacy much easier than I do. Yeah. Oh. And I think that's like- I'll be like in love with this girl. Yeah, that's crazy.

And she's a fucking pig. Like- And she goes, yeah, whatever. Oh, your friend's come. Sorry. And Lewis goes- She wipes it on my shirt. Lewis goes like this, you are incorrigible. She coughs up gum. She's jerking them off. Oh, this was Jay's. She's jerking them off with Jay's mittens.

Yeah, she goes, sorry, I had these on. Oh, she's the one. Oh, baby. Baby. So we were hanging out at a bar one night, and this is when I was really bad on coke. I was doing coke all the time. Yeah. And I was hanging out.

The creek days. Yeah, and this girl, like she's gone from the bar. Can I tell you something right now? I regret this. As someone that's fallen for sluts, let me just tell you right now, I know where this is going. Dude, this is like, I feel so bad about this.

Oh, my heart dropped. This is, I just know when you, we've all fallen for sluts. That moment where you find out where they're like, oh, you really don't have any. Where is she? You don't have any more. Where is this slut?

Oh, man. So, oh, man. This is tearing me up. So then I see her come out of, I want to say like a utility closet. With a little Mexican busboy, like a runner, right? No se.

Yeah, dude, like a straight up, don't speak English fucking runner. And I catch her coming out and she sees me and I'm like, what the fuck you doing in the closet? She's like, he pulled me in there. Like, yeah, no, like, yeah, he like totally pulled me in here with him. I didn't want to do it.

Fuck him, he's trying to rape me. And I was like, I'm looking at him and he's like, sure. No, I do cocaine with her. I know. She tells me she wants to do cocaine. I push her pussy. Dude. No, no. And I remember just being like, looking at her being like he, he's trying to. No, señor. Señor, no. Muy malo. being like he's right in your way model

you're touching my princess I have to bust tables yeah yeah need to leave your bossy tables I'm about to bust your head what happened what do you regret punching the guy in the face. You hit the guy? I hit this poor Mexican guy and I knew she was lying. Oh, Lewis! And I'm like, I'm sorry. And I'm a little pop and he's like, sir, no, no. Mexican style fighter, take one to give two. So this guy just got... I keep coming. This guy got raped and then punched. Yeah, essentially. No, I mean, I'm sorry. That guy's roller coaster of his night

where he's just bussing and the girl goes, he goes, what? And she's like, closet? And he's like, this is the best night of my life. He had coke somehow. He probably had coke for a while for the third. Somehow it was. Bust it with coke.

It's a Mexican. If she had, well here's the thing, if she had coke. Back out. She would have just shared it with me. She wouldn't have been into just sharing it with some random Mexican. My assumption is he had coke somehow.

This fucking Coke horse figured out where the coke is. Yeah, they're like, they're like, a couple of pips. She doesn't even speak the same language. She's just like fucking. She can take it like a bloodhound. She's like, she's got the scent. That's probably, like, that's the thing that I think about.

It's, cause that's a very, it's also, this is like, I mean, maybe James is one, one or two at the time. Like, this is like, I mean, maybe James is one, one or two at the time. Like this is like, this is, I'm an adult. This isn't long enough. This isn't long enough. This is, yeah. Lewis reminds me that Lewis already has a kid at this point.

He goes, oh, God, I was trying to kill myself with cocaine. Make sure you do the timeline right. Were you still with B at that time? No, when me and B were breaking up, I started seeing this chick and getting into drugs. And maybe that was the misplaced, you were projecting it on this woman because you and B had broken up.

Maybe, maybe that's what I saw the- Did you say sorry to the Mexican guy? I was like, you're beavers, you're fucking beavers. He goes, I'm not beavers, I'm not beavers, sir. Mr. No, no, cocaine, cocaine. He's offering you cocaine. Oh, and then we're best friends and we got a podcast. It's called Lewis and the Buster.

Yeah, that's wild. What's your biggest gripe, Bobby? I had a lot of them. I think, I think, I was thinking about this. That's a very pregnant pause. There was, I broke a kid's jaw once. Damn. For no reason.

What a bad ass. When I was up in. Hardcore dude. Right before I stopped drinking, I was drinking so much. dude right when I right before I stopped drinking I was drinking so much one time I got my dick sucked by two Puerto Rican girls in the same night it really sucked oh man it was crazy I came so much ready to go they said it was the best night of their life but oh my god I shot Peter North like ropes more more the kids but these other kids didn't

like this kid and I was friendly with this kid and they're just like more and more. The kids, these other kids didn't like this kid and I was friendly with this kid. And they were like, dude, he's talking shit about you. We're up on the tracks drinking. I was fucking trashed. You were nine. And I went up to him and fucking punched him in the face and broke his jaw.

I felt terrible. And then at like a week later, we kind of made up and I went to his house and his jaw was wired shut. And he's like, hey dude, what's up? And I was like, he thought he thought he was mad again I took a kid's moped once. That's that's pretty shitty. Me and my kid, my friend Frankie just grabbed him and stopped him and took his brand new moped. His parents bought him. He was like a richer kid. Yeah, and we took it and then and just left it in the field and then years later I'm in college. I'm in English class and we have to go around the room and

there he is and we're going around the room and we have to introduce each other to the person next to us. Say, say, say, introduce yourself and name one fact about your life. This kid's like, my name is Chris. I go like this. I go, I go, I'm, I'm, I'm Bobby Kelly goes, I know who the fuck you are. Whoa. And I was like, dude, I'm sorry. Did you know it was him?

I knew it was him, but I didn't know he still held the grudge. You were hoping. You were hoping. It was college. I kind of hold my grudges against my childhood bullies still. I wouldn't be mad if I saw them to this day, but I do. You'd feel a certain way.

I wish, like, poverty on them. That's sort of it. If I saw that my childhood bullies were doing poorly in life and just struggling to get by, They probably are. That's what I would, that's all I would want on them. Not death, nothing more than that. Just struggling paycheck to paycheck.

Did you have bullies in school? Pfft. Hahahaha. Hardy Har. Hahahaha. That's probably one of the funniest things. Hey, you are funny. That's gotta be fucking the funniest thing ever. That was good, Danny. What was the word? I don't know. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan,

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan Not really. That was pretty well-liked.

Were you homeschooled? No, I was very popular. I was a popular guy. Yeah, you're funny. Yeah, I'm a funny guy. Funny, you were good at sports, right? Yeah, I remained very popular. Cross-country? Not amongst comedy fans, but in the comedy world.

Not among paying comedy club patrons. No, they hate me. But comedians, it's unbelievable. But if you want to win free tickets to a show, those people kind of like me. If you have a birthday. Yeah. I was scrolling on Reddit,

and I took that picture of Joe Lifts. Yeah. Someone's been doing AI, but making Joel swole as hell. And it is so fucking funny, dude. That's really funny. And I sent it to Joe, and Joe was like, yeah, that's cool. But I was like, it's so funny, you're jacked.

Joe doesn't fuck with the Reddit shit. Oh, that's weird. I mean, he's so swole. It's so swole. I'm working on it in real life. The one where you're holding Norman is so funny. It's fucking really funny. Yeah, someone did it with AI.

Ooh, wow, that's a lot. That's so funny, if you were that jacked. That would be fun. Yeah, dude. It looks like, what's so funny if you were that jacked that would be fun. Yeah, it looks like what's his toes you look from Bob from? Shout out to wear a damn helmet. I was going to do the I was thinking about What's that movie with Groot? Oh, yeah That one looks real why don't we send it to them so they can pull it up on the screen you guys can bring it

Up I'll text it to Danny right now. It's very funny. What is your biggest regret, Dan? You know, I got... There it is, dude. That's how funny... That one looks like a real photo. Yeah, and then there's one... Get the one with him on the subway. It's very funny. He just looks fucking jacked. That's funny. What would it take for you to actually do that?

I mean, steroids. A lot of steroids. A lot of steroids. And protein powder. And And weight gain then you could be on protect our parks You own it now come the king But no going back to the bully thing I was I have more regrets about being really mean Yeah, it was much more like a there's a couple times. I was mean to people that I really regret people just for a laugh Yeah, all the pranks to people like I don't need to do that. But I mean my regrets just sad I wish I would have called my I was

My fall break of my junior year. I kept being like I got to call my sister I got to call my sister and then she got killed on Friday and like I don't want to get all butterfly effective But had you called she probably would have lived and I've thought about that drinking what many times Yeah, you just let a moment.? Can't we have a fucking moment? What? Being vulnerable. But honestly, Lewis, he murdered his sister. But Lewis, the phone call.

But I've thought about that nonstop since 1999. That if I would have called her, she wouldn't have been on the highway when she got killed. Oh, damn. But that's not, no way that would have happened. She was- It would have set her off on her trajectory. I mean, just that one car.

The phone call, we always had long phone calls. She would have happened. It would have set her off on her trajectory. I mean, just that one car. The phone call. We always had long phone calls. She would have been on the phone and then she wouldn't have been on Interstate 10 when she got killed. This is getting boring. Let's change the topic. Yeah. I agree.

How did she die? You got to put some of this baggage down, doggy. How did she die? She got killed. A terrible friend you are. She got rear ended on the highway. Yeah, she did. Yeah. Lewis, you, terrible friend. You got rear ended on the highway. Yeah, she did.

Yeah. Louis, you have mental problems. Right up the poop shoot. This morning's they gave her anal sex to death on the highway. Kill me with your cock. You ever seen bang to death seven Dan, take your mask off, put your baggage down and take your mask off. But yeah, that's, well, I also had like a regret of almost the same thing of, I liked this girl in high school that clearly didn't like me, and I was just like whipped on her

and she never gave me any. And then this girl that actually liked me that I should have dated was just like my friend. It was like, oh, you like that girl? And I should have not gone after her. So those are my two friends. I dated a girl that was a millionaire once. Whoa.

That like, think about that, every time I... Her name's Karen Feehan. Every time I pay my girl for everything, I think about this girl that I dated who she was a millionaire, she wanted to like cook for me and clean for me, she was gonna invite girls into the bedroom to have threesome, she wanted to like take care of like...

That was a sting operation brother what the fuck what did I do how'd you fuck it up I don't know I was just like not as into it I was like you're too good Wow I get that rejecting good things that's why we're all here fucking crazy also at least you know I kept posting sunsets on Instagram like well into everybody doing real you're doing real photography yeah I had like brick walls and shadowy black and white photos and You know, I kept posting sunsets on Instagram like well into everybody doing real you're doing real photography Yeah, I had like brick walls and shadowy black and white photos and I was like these people with the clips That didn't work out so great I was like I'm an artist I do sunsets

I had a moment this weekend where a guy was like stop posting clips. I just wrote back honestly, dude I know it's annoying but I didn't do this for years and I'm fucking paying for it No, it's horrible fucking blows Yeah Many years ago buying cigars online wasn't as easy as we made it at small batch cigars The dry cigars would show up and you you didn't know what they were and they were the cheapest worst Slowest possible way they could get to you Andrew this guy this guy who started this, said out to revolutionize the experience in 2012 and safely, simple, fast, small batch. They were the first online vendor to provide free shipping on every order along with a free Boveda pouch

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included in every purchase. The most thorough packaging in the industry. Use code REGZ, R-E-G-Z, discount code for 10% off plus 5% off reward points. You want it, they got it. Just like- Social media sucks. It's such an annoying thing to have to do now. Here it is. It just riles you up though. I never feel good.

No. I never look at it and feel good. If I wake up and touch my phone and look at stuff, I feel like shit immediately Yeah, I mean anything in my feed is all terrible shit. Yeah news whatever it all the news is bad My feed is good. I got a good feed. Mine's all baseball and hockey Yeah, it's a good thing to have on your feed because you're like, oh oh, that's, you know, I look at Bleacher Report app, that's what I look at in the morning when I wake up. I read sports stories.

My algorithm is now, lately it's been like good dads. I love that. I love a good dad. You know, just being their first kid. That's sick, dude. Watching, now it's like also like, retarder and a handicap kids doing things that normal people can do.

Yeah, buddy, that's my YouTube algorithm. There was a kid who fucking, literally, who like, fucking had his leg, I mean, I don't know what country this was in, dude, like, because they have prosthetic legs. This country was not well from prosthetic legs of this kid. This kid had a crutch that he put on his leg.

And he's fucking batting, dude. And he fucking cracks a home run, dude. And then he fucking grabs a crutch and he just fucking hobbles to second base. I know this kid, this kid's got all, he didn't get to third. If you're not, by the way, you're not making that throw,

you're off the team. Hey, you let a fucking, you let the pirate get to third base, fucking wing it. There's a video I love, because Reddit, you can like curtail to what you like, so I don't have any comedy shit. I have like Made Me Smile. Tuesday's story came up because I look at the standup Reddit, but that's how I saw Joe Lifts.

But there's one called Made Me Smile where this dad gets his son a baseball bat. The kid thinks, the kid thinks- Oh, the black guy, black guy. Yeah. He thinks his father forgot his birthday. And then he gets a bat and then the dad's in the outfield and the kid hits a home run with it.

Great. Got me, yeah. But at the same time I was outfield and the kid hits a home run with it. Great. Got me. Yeah. Love that. But at the same time I was like, you couldn't even rap it, you piece of shit. But the way he hypes them up where he goes, you got that bat, and the kid was like, he was crying. Why make your kid think you forgot his birthday though?

Just because you want a viral video? I don't know, someone whose dad exclusively forgot his birthday, you're almost like, that's what that's too. I kind of agree with you, Joe, Joe, like there's something about like, and I won't name names, but you'll see people like, like crying, like, like we know, I know comics who like, they're like, I'm dropping my daughter from school for the first time, and they're like crying to the camera.

And you're like, dude, have your fucking moment with your daughter. Yeah, that is what. What are you doing? I've lied to, I mean, on Christmas, a couple of years. Yeah, but that's different. Everyone has the same thing. You got the fucking, you got the fucking, the BB gun behind the tree. Yeah, my mom would always do that

Yeah, that's it for gifts. Oh, what's that over there? Oh, it's not your dad. It's not for a viral video It's not so you can get clicks. It's it's it but it's also because dawn Santa doesn't wrap the present Yeah, cuz you gotta drop them off. So I have to hide the Santa present. Well, that's not true Santa can wrap Yeah, my stupid So I have to hide the Santa present. you record. Yeah. A little much. Some fucking gay ass shit. This is what I remember like at one point, like holding my son's hand when he was a baby. Then I'm like setting up the angle

with my camera to get my hand on his hand. And in the middle of it, I was like, oh, this sucks. Yeah, dude. This fucking sucks. There was a moment where it was at the end of a relationship and I was at a music festival with this girl I was dating and we had like passes on our wrists and we were in the van

and I just looked down and she was like aiming a shot to take both of our wrists. It's like an artistic shot of your wrist. Yeah, and I was like, well, her wrist over mine and I was like, yeah, it's done. That was like a moment where I was like, after this festival, we are. Yeah, there's just like-

Do you take James on the road with you at all? Sometimes. Does he wanna go on stage? He has gone on stage a couple times, but not even by my doing. Like I told James, if he wants to ever go on stage? He has gone on stage a couple times, but not even by my doing. I told James, if he wants to ever get on stage, if you genuinely want to do comedy one day, you do it like you fucking do it.

You go to some open mics when you're older, and that's that. It's like you're not, you haven't earned the right to get on stage. And I said this to Bobby, he's hiding a flyer of Max Live. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fucking crazy. I took him to a gig with Danny and Joe Russell were there

and Voss was coming down on the way there. He goes, Dad, can you please let Voss watch me if he's gonna watch me? I'm like, why? He goes, I don't want a beta male's watching me. I want an alpha male watching me. Wow. It made me so happy.

I would fucking, I would be so mad if I was Danny and I heard that. I'd be like, I'm going to fight your kid. Also, if he thinks Voss is an alpha male, he's a homosexual. Get him conversion therapy. Scrape him in the bottom of the barrel. In a room with Danny and Joe Russell, Voss is an alpha male. He's the only one that stands up straight. No, but then one time we were at the stand, and then I look out, and I was having a conversation at the table with him, and Bonnie was there, and then I look out, and I was having a conversation

at the table with him, and Bonnie was there, and then I look out, and then Bonnie just pats him on the back and goes, can I go? She pushes him on stage with me. That's fun. Yeah, so he went up and did like a couple minutes to the fuck around.

What if he just murdered? What if he's a ty? He's a funny kid. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna tell you, second grade ain't what it used to be. But nobody wants to see that shit. Nobody wants to see a fucking thing on stage. He came on, and boss of this weekend, at the end of the show see a fucking shit on stage. He came on, in Boston this weekend,

at the end of the show, he was just on stage. He just came out and he's just standing there. And I was like, hey! He came out as a homosexual. He just pisses himself like Exorcist. But I go. He just crab-walks. He goes, Max, what are you doing up here?

He starts pissing. Well, I go, what do you got? Inusory, ah, ah, ah! Your mother sucks cocks in hell, boss! He just stands there and I'm like, you do you got? Your mother sucks cocks in hell boss. He just stands there and I'm like, you don't got it. That's so funny. But then I go like this. This is one thing I do.

I just, I go America and he goes, fuck. Yeah. I, it's the only time I let him swear. That's good. Yeah. But he didn't, I was like, I thought he literally lying. I watched this kid swear in front of Bobby every time we hang out. The only time he let's him swear.

He swears when he stays at your house. He swears at you. I watch this kid swear in front of Bobby every time we hang out. The only time he lets his swear in. He swears when he stays at your house. He swears at me. You swear. That's wild. You swear all the time. You swear.

You swear. And you give him the finger back. Remember you guys said you were best friends? When he comes back from your house, we got to fucking reprogram him. Sometimes he'll be talking to his parents and I'll be like. Yeah. I got with Louis, he's like, suck my big fat dick. I'm a dirty nigger.

I'm a dirty nigger. Nigger. Nigger, Joe. Come on, get like, suck my big fat dick. I'm a dirty nigger. I'm a dirty nigger. Nigger, nigger Joe. Come on. Get a shot of my face, please. Dude, I used to cuss all the time. I was that kid. You were. But I was very polite.

And I remember one time I spent the night at my friend Scott's house and I got dropped off in the morning and I act like I went in the house, but I was listening and Scott's mom goes, Dan is very polite. He has the mouth of a sailor. And then my mom came in and she goes, what goes Dan is very polite He has the mouth of a sailor and then my mom came in she goes what are you doing? You've got the sexuality of a sailor, too fucking men homo Fuck to death on the highway like my sister. I'm gonna take that making a clip. Oh

I didn't curse until I was like in the sixth grade really I Would in third grade I had the beginning of George Carlin's special. They had the old clip where he does rat shit, fat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes, tied in a lot and a knot. Hooray, listen shit, fuck. I had that memorized when I was in third grade and it killed. Oh yeah. They were like, oh my God.

I mean that's crazy. By the way, you're bringing diesel. It was like insane. You showed up and everyone's like, Joe's got that gas right now. And I didn't know what Twat was for another year. Until you looked in a mirror. Oh. What do you mean?

There was like Twats behind me? Like all the bitches? They're like, Joe, look at our pussies. I had the Jerky Boys album. Yeah, I loved Jerky Boys. When I was my turn-off boys. That's disgusting. That's pedophilia. And the one where he calls the pizza place and says shut the fuck up. Yeah, I would do that in that voice

And then I found out is real bad. Who the fuck are you you're a liar? Frank Rizzo, he goes. Hey, I've got the Mexicans up there slapping around the hot shit. All right ZZ. Oh, that's great Be as a butthead also You just have to learn when to swear. You can't just swear in an elevator. I told Max, swear, but swear at the right times when it's going to be funny. I mean, if you ask Nate, you should never swear. He swears offstage though. Sometimes.

I don't mind that he says shit. Shit, jizz, fuck, come on. I mind that my kid, if my kid cursed I'd actually legitimately... I don't like it, but I don't, like if he says it, I think it's unbecoming. Whoa! Whoa!

All right. What's he started making out? Like that's why I told James, to be honest with you, I didn't even tell James he couldn't curse. I was like, if you want to curse when I'm not around, you can say whatever you want. It's your mouth, it's your body. I was like, but you don't, you come off like

you're a little fucking trash bag if you're just cursing. Little kids that are cursing their asses off. It sounds like you have shitty parents. It sounds like you're a, you're a punk. Yeah, I told him hey punks keep punkin So you don't want to swear cuz you think it reflects badly on you I think I don't be on him Yeah well I had a horrible father and so when I would visit him and I would cuss it would make him and his friends laugh and I

Was like ten years old I was like this rules. Yeah, I was like, I got it, I know what bits to do. You gotta know when to do it, you gotta know when to, if you, you know. But I would hit him with a, I would hit him with a, like a shit or a fuck and like a joke, or like react, and go, ah fuck, and my dad would be like, hilarious. Well I still think it's crazy when people swear. Bobby, that's what you are, your dad's drunk, dad.

Yeah, so. Just so you know The reason I even let go of my bag Cuz that guy I think it's crazy when people swear like in mixed company publicly like I was at Waiting for a flight yesterday Yeah coming back and this my buddy Matt Wayne my opener was wearing a buffalo bills How he doesn't pay and the flight attendant came over and I pay him too much and the flight attendant guy comes over whatever the gate agent he comes by he's like bills their new draft pick fucking asshole. Whoa. He's like he showed up today. He couldn't have been

more fucking rude. And then he said this was subtle racism. He goes he showed up with all his fucking homies. Oh no. It's like homies. Where are you flying out of Buffalo. And I was like well how nice is he supposed to be to you? Like, you're just the gate agent, and he's 20 years old. What do you want him to be? But also, he's like in uniform. Like, he's got like a name tag. He's like, he's a fucking asshole. Also can I tell you?

What is wrong with you? He smelled different. What? He was with his homies. And I imagine if, you know, Drake May showed up at the Logan airport with his buddies, they wouldn't be like, look at these homies. Yeah, they'd go, fucking, do you need more seats

on the plane, Mr. May? Couple fucking homies, Yeah, they go fucking do you need more seats on the plane? Mr.. May couple fucking homies if you know homies is Him and his homeboys Look at this fresh brownie right on Danny. That's actually a turd that he cut. Oh, did you guys get your get your cigars? Yes, I did What you cigars and a huge fucking huge package of cigars. I got a very small package. Really?

Yeah, you do, but enough about your cock. Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, and that's why. No, they gave me like, I wanna say at least 30 cigars. What? I didn't get 30.

You don't even smoke cigars. I'm giving them to my son's step-father. Oh, I thought you were giving them to your son. Max is like, I mean, James got a new actor. He's got a cigar like George Burns. We did have fun in Jamaica though, me and Eddie bonded. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Did you guys do the predator handshake? Well, you do it. We worked with Eddie and then Beatrice in the middle. You son of a bitch. Did you guys work out together? No, they worked out. They'll be interested in how they worked out. No, it's all working out.

Can you give me any tips? Here's how we bonded. Okay. It was great. The whole trip was great. The whole trip? The whole trip was great. So.

Nothing but the trip. Bobby. Sorry, sorry. Easy. Teaser. So fucking, this is the last night we're there. Like we had, there's two kayaks at the villa and uh, we take, you know, take the kayaks out. There was a little sandbar, little Ebony and ivory kayak. So we know we,

me and him didn't take it out. We like at one point Beatrice, Louis science again, we take kayaks out in the water. We get it. That's science. Bobby showing his ass. Water is a science word. By the way, I was searching to help him and I was like, I don't know. It's Lewis science again. I just don't like water.

I don't like that he explains. I don't like the buoyancy. He explains the kayaks. Like we don't know what kayaks. Well, you don't know there was a sand bar. Yeah, there was a fucking kayaks. We go on the kayak. We go on the water. We're going the water. We go on the kayak.

The villa was great, right? Villa's awesome. Two little kayaks, private beach, little dock. We were fucking, dude. Why are you talking like Bobby right now? Dude. Yeah, what are you doing? You know what, dude?

We get the, stop setting it up. Just tell us how you bonded. You gotta understand, kayaks. We're not your crowd, go. It's the sun is setting. Yeah. He looks kissable. So it's the last night and Eddie and Beatrice came back with the kayaks. Was he shirtless? Yeah, all the time, he looks kissable. So it's the last night and Eddie and Beatrice came back

with the kayaks. Was he shirtless? Yeah, all the time, he's jacked. I mean, he's just gorgeous. Beautiful guy. So they come back with the kayak. Don't put a shirt on him. And then I say to them, I was like,

I was like, leave the kayaks on the beach because we're gonna go back out and kayak. So the day goes by, we're smoking weed, we're drinking or whatever, it's, you know, it just sort of gets away from us. I forget about the kayaks being on the beach. We don't go kayaking. It's the last night, we're sort of like packing things up,

just, you know, we're just having a good night, and one of the staff members, security guards, is like, oh mon, the kayaks, they got swept out to the ocean. And the tide came in and they pulled both kayaks out. So we get over there, now it's pitch black at night, it's like 10 o'clock at night. Dude, this is how someone dies.

Dude, and I see the one kayak, I see it, now it's pitch black at night, it's like 10 o'clock at night. Dude, this is how someone dies. Dude, and I see the one kayak, I see it, kinda just kinda float, and I was like, fuck dude, I was like, I can swim to that kayak. You're all drunk and high? Drunk and high, dude. God damn, dark at night. This episode could have been just the three of us.

Dude, ocean at night, kinda scary. Very scary. Ocean at night is a little bit fuckin' scary to me, right? Yeah, Jamaica at night is terrifying. Yeah. Jamaica in the daytime. Some say it's always night. You know what I mean?

So I jump in, I swim out to that kayak. I was like, dude, if I'm going to at least I'll get one of them. Eddie goes, your problem, solve yourself. Now are the paddles out there too? The paddles are in the kayaks. Okay. So I swim out to the one kayak and I I pull it back in

Now meanwhile apparently after I jump in the guy for the security guards like he should not do that This would he tells Beatrice and Eddie and they just let me go. They're like Yeah, this is solve the whole who gets James on the weekends thing So then yeah, we I bring it back Jamaican looking out and I think I see the other kayak like really far out in the water Yeah, and then Eddie the whole time goes you can probably get it You're pretty gas Me and Eddie got into the one kayak together together and in the moonlight like Hawaiians fucking went out and Kayak were you in the front or the back were you repitching or catching I was in the

Front I was in the yeah, you're a kitchen dude. I was in the front. No, I was in the front. You were catching, dude. I was in the front. He's older. I have respect for older men. This is like your own personal cool runnings. So then, yeah, we fucking kayak over to the other one. My friend, your back is so gelatinous. You remember a little Mexican man you punched in the face?

That was my cousin. And now I'm here for revenge. You're like, you know, think about maybe doing a little bit of exercise. You know, you eat too many carbs. I can see it in the way your back ripples like the water. Your back is disgusting. You see me? No fat.

You, all fat. So you guys kayaked together. So we kayaked in the movie. I'm surprised you guys didn't get mad at each other while you were paddling. We go, Eddie, he goes, one, two. Heave ho, do you know what ho means, you fucking idiot? How did you get over here on a slave ship?

And he goes, I don't want to do this. Yeah, we kayaked out to the water. We got the other one, we towed it back in. Damn. That was it, that's a little bonnet. That was the bonnet, did you talk on the way out to the water. We got the other one, we towed it back in. Damn! What was that? Nice little boning. That was the boning. Did you talk on the way out there?

Yeah. What'd you talk about? We were both. Beatrice Firecracker. My friend, she can't get enough. She cannot stop coming. Was this a problem for you? She just come too much.

I feel like we met on the ocean of her coming. Your girl very pretty, but don't talk a lot. Don't talk a lot. I never hear your girlfriend coming. Yeah. Do you need my help? She does not shriek or moan like the thunder. I do not hear the thunder of her coming.

Okay. He's trying to help me. Let me be. Now you see how the ocean moves? You do that to your lady. You see the motion. You want the very dark at night, I can come in there and make her come.

No, no, no, I pretend to be you. I say. I go like that. Oh, look at me, fuck. Oh, el gordo. El gordo, el real as gordo. Oh, oof, oof. Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof,

oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, You high sex with me too? You're just bringing up old shit. Oh, I'm the Louis, the big old fat Louis. James, don't do that. Yeah, that's you. Oh, I tell a joke. Yeah, me and Beatrice, we do sketches for games. Or I play you.

I am your stupid dad. I hold my phone in my hand, and I do Texas while I rock. I say, oh no, where's the creed on? That's you. You guys should do like a Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner record. Yeah, I love it. Like an old school, you know? Eddie doing the impression of me to the family every night.

You leave, he goes, oh no, I got to go to the podcast with you. I'll be right back, because I got to go to the bathroom. They're like holding it in. Even James is like, Stop! That's my dad. Stop! I'm like, Eddie, I'd go on stage with you if you were on stage.

No, I'm just kidding. You're not that fat. I'm kidding. You are the Yarlatanist, but not fat. No, you're not fat. I just don't. Jiggle, jiggle, jgu. Jiggu, jiggu, jiggu. Go jiggu, jiggu. In front of your family? Please stop that, Eddie.

This man, where all the food go? Did I say you made it above 90% agua? James, your father, I water a boat. Sorry, Joe. Joe, you don't like this? I lost the plot somewhere. I can't even track. I don't even know what the fuck the plot is. Where did it go? I Sorry, Joe, you don't like this?

I lost the plot somewhere. I can't even track. I don't even know what the fuck the matter is. Sorry, we were just riff making out. I'm so hot right now. It's boiling hot in here, dude. It's crazy. I remember doing YQWD in the summers.

It used to be all windows open. It used to be hot right there. We're getting a whole new AC in. Wow. I don't know why they covered that one. We're gonna get a whole new one in. Whew. Wow. All right. I don't know why they covered that one. I don't know, dude. But we're going to get a whole new one.

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Like motley crew. Yeah, shout out Sweden. Sweden. Sweden. All right, where were we? So you had a good time on vacation. Yeah, but that- Not more vacation.

What's that? I said not more vacation. Did you guys feel bonded, like leaving after, where you're like, hey, Eddie, I'll see you later. Yeah, no, it was great, dude. But that- Not more vacation. What's that? I said, not more vacation. Did you guys feel bonded, like leaving after where you're like, hey Eddie, I'll see you later? Yeah, no, it was great, dude. It was great. Did you smoke cigars together?

Smoked cigars. He brought me a couple cigars. He gave me a nice pair of designer sunglasses at the end of the trip. He did. What designer? Ferrum, Ferragamo. Fossett. Ferragamo.

Ferragamo. Ferragamo? That's not an art form. No, Ferragamo's a nice pair of shades. He folded papers had paper glasses Oh, wow. Oh, hey, here's a designer or a gummy glasses these designers This is italian and french It's really bringing me joy. Oh, he thinks I'm really designing our glasses. Beatrice, I tell you, designing our glasses is paper.

It's paper glasses. The stupid fuck. It's paper. Oh my God. I mean, that is a fun vacation. You were for like nine days. No, no, no, we were there for five nights. Okay. Fuck me then. Not bad. Yeah. We got to fucking do a let's do a reg. Why don't we go to the Jamaica regs villa vacation and

we'll record three podcasts. Virginia. Can I say this? Why? I say lovers. Can I say passport? Yeah, you do. Do I have a passport? I don't know. You have culture. You don't travel overseas more than. Oh, let's get into this. You travel overseas more than me. 100%. Let's do this. When's the last time you were overseas? Well, I've had a pregnant wife and a baby. I've been to Israel, France, Romania, Bulgaria,

Peru, Ecuador. What are you, a vampire? You're naming all the weird vampire places. Transylvania. England, Ireland, Wales. Castle in France. Northern Ireland. I've been to Castlevania. I've been to Pennsylvania.

Transylvania. All the Vanias. Germany, Turkey. Block out the sunlight. Iraq, Kuwait. Damn, I forgot. Italy. Yeah.

What are you crazy? Anything in Africa? As you're raising. I married an African. That's good enough. Close enough. She's South African. And I made love to an African one too.

Whoa. You don't travel a lot No out of all of us in the United States because I love America. I love America. Sorry. I'm so patriotic Have you been to every all the states in America? No, no You have every state every state every state South Dakota every state Every state. Dan, do you do this 50 times? Washington. Delaware.

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Ha! You've been to Alaska? Yes. It's beautiful. It is. Alaska's nice. Puerto Rico?

It's a principality. You know what? I haven't been to that one. It doesn't count. It's not a state. It's a principality. Yeah, it's a principality. I didn't know that, but now I'm saying it.

It's a principality. It's a, no, it's a... Commonwealth. Check didn't know that, but now I'm saying it. Well, it's a principality. It's a, no, it's a commonwealth. Check that. No, Massachusetts. Virginia and Massachusetts are commonwealths. Yeah, it's not a commonwealth. It's not a principality, that's not the word. Look it up.

A dirty island? Aren't you Puerto Rican? Disgusting place? And name only. It's not, no, it's a commonwealth, I thought. Trash land? Dump? Criminal breeding ground. What's it Natalie? No, but there's another word. There's another word terrible Tory

Yeah, my mom Hot dogs all the way. All right, we did it guys. Well, it is a Commonwealth common fucking wealth. I apologize I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you know't know. Assholes. I'm sorry. Asshole. You know your island. Yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you.

You are Puerto Rican. Thank you. Sorry. Thank you. And you're Sorterican. I'm a Puerto Rican. That was good. My butt's sore.

Why are you wearing a Mark Norman t-shirt? This is not a Mark Norman, this is Laugh Boston. No, that's a Mark Norman t-shirt. I feel like Laugh Boston can just be a little more creative. Comedy. Nice work Danny. Good job Danny. Fucking idiot. Fucking stink Danny.

Jesus Christ Danny. By the way we have a person named Max that works at Gas Digital and the whole time I thought it was this Max. I thought we hired this Max. And we just talked recently about cuts we have to make and without even a question I was like yeah fire Max. And I thought I was firing this Max.

I swear to God, I swear I was firing this max. I Swear to God I swear on my son's life. So there's just a guy that's fired It wasn't even a he might some organ he was gonna hear this and he wanted to fire Yeah, I have no idea who this fucking guy is. We're trying to make cuts I was like who the fuck is this guy max? I was like max from fuck. He's terrible. I was like get rid of him He's gone and then it apparently is not him. I can't I can't I can't fight you on that And then apparently it's not him. I can't fight you on that. Max can't even see the screen from where he is right now. It's crazy.

You never been over into England or anywhere? I've been to England, I've been to Ireland. What's your favorite country outside of the United States? Sweden. Why would you guys question if we could set it up in a villa? Late is it easy being independent? I don't understand why you say Virginia. If we're gonna go on vacation, we're not going to Virginia.

But listen. It's a joke. Remember last week? We'll go fucking, we'll get a villa, we'll bring Paco and Natalie, not these guys, we'll bring Paco and Natalie, we'll record. You mean the guys that do all the work? My guys, my guys.

If Paco makes that midget video. Natalie sits there and takes notes. Paco, I don't know what the fuck, he's doing something for Big J. You got the autistic fucking threes set up everything. I don't know what the fuck, he's doing something for Big J. He got the artistic fucking three set up everything. Natalie does heavy lifting, Natalie and Danny. Natalie's no joke. We have five people.

It's crazy. There's more producers than. Joe does the videos while we're doing this. He takes all that videos and edits as we're doing it so we have it what we're done. Those are great. I have it, I have it. Danny does all the fucking set up with Joe

and Max pushes a button. He likes to laugh at my jokes and I appreciate that. He's a laugh track in the back. He has such a dweeby laugh. It's invigorating. But I'm saying we can do like four podcasts that will pay for itself, we'll fucking get ads, we'll do a sponsored fucking trip, the whole fucking trip. You can bring the baby,

you can bring Sarah. Queen's of the Stone Age are playing in Gutenberg in fucking August. Steve Gutenberg's house? Gutenberg. No way. Sweden. Then we should swing by Ted Danson

and then on the way home we'll hit, who was the other one, I can't remember. Tom Selleck. There you go. Yeah. A good man and a baby. I would do a villa, we do a villa. I go to Jamaica.

I go to Jamaica. I'll go to Jamaica next month. No, I want a good trip He's gonna open gas digital Kingston. Oh, I was in Cayman in August I really what would what could I do if I lived in Jamaica? Cuz I think about every time I go my dude I can fucking live here But there's like no jobs like what do you do just podcast from no fucking internet How do I go up with the fucking there's internet, but it's not great Natalie how difficult was it to upload something podcast isn't great. So it's perfect. Wow

nailed him Do plugs. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, you guys should get hair plugs. Who's up first? There it is right here that me don't do me first do me last. Well, I always tell you that do me last I've told you that every fucking week hey how you doing I will be in Grand Rapids Michigan May 16th through the 18th at Dr. Grins then Columbus funny bone may 31st in June 1st and then I'll be on Bert Kreischer's fully loaded tour in June after that in July I'll be on Burt Kreischer's fully loaded tour in June. After that in July, I'll be coming to the Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis. Get tickets at, and don't forget,

Addison Improv, Addison, Texas in July. DanSoder.com for tickets. And my special On the Road is on YouTube, and you can listen to my podcast Soder, also on YouTube and everywhere else you get podcasts. I love you. That's a Joe Lifeline. Lewis, what do you got?

This weekend I'll be in Denver, Denver, Colorado, Denver improv, May 3rd. Yeah, it's gonna be right by the old Stapleton Airport. Then I got May 16th, I'll be at the Detroit House of Comedy, the 17th Grand Rapids, 18th Glendale, Wisconsin. Then I got Vegas coming up, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Ontario, California, Oxnard, California, Fort Worth, Dallas, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, all this other stuff.

The regs at the Cape Cod Melody tent. Plus we got the Regs at the Gramercy Theater in New York City in July. Lots of stuff coming up. Go to Lewis of Skanks. Yeah, that's gonna be fun as hell. Lewisofskanks.com. Grab those tickets and make sure you check out

both my other podcasts, real ass podcasts. Joe List. I'm the middle. I know, I was just fucking with you. Legion of Skanks, both available on the Gas Digital Network. Two specials available on YouTube. And yeah, I just appreciate you guys fucking seeing me live.

Shout out to everyone at fucking American Comedy Company. Great club, great fucking crowds. Joe List, what do you got? St. Louis, Funny Bone. I haven't been to St. Louis in a long, long time. I'm there May 16th through the 18th. Salt Lake City, June 7th and 8th. Come on to that.

Portland, Maine, we added a late show. July 1st, early show sold out, had to add a show. And then Atlanta, Hotlanta late show, July 1st, early show sold out, had to add a show. And then Atlanta, hot Atlanta punch line July 19, 2021. And one night only in Seattle at the Crocodile, July 25th. So come out to those and check out my YouTube and Punch Up Live. Punch Up Live, Joe Liss. Punch Up Live's great.

I'll be popping up there soon. Oh good. Nice, popping off. Go to the Punch Up page. I'm gonna be up there soon. Oh, good. Nice. Popping off. Go to the Punch-Up page. I'm going to be jerking off on it. Go to PunchUp.live for all my dates, too. I'm going to be in Sarasota this weekend at McCurdy's Comedy Club, then Atlanta at the Red Clay Comedy Festival.

Hell yeah. Doing Bone to Pick live. And then in Stanford, I'm going to be at the New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut. I don't get it. But I'm going to be there. It's a fun club. Seventeen. It's a great club. I heard it's awesome. Charlotte. Port Charlotte. I'm going to be there. I love that club. Versanis. It's a

great club down in the west coast of Florida. St. Louis. Funny Bone. I'm going to be there. Nice. I'm excited about that. And then Magoobies. Magoobies. I'm going to be doing all kinds of stuff. And of course, we're gonna get the Portsmouth, I'm doing shows this summer in Portsmouth during my vacation at the Portsmouth Music Hall. It's a little club up there.

And then we're gonna be doing the Cape Cod Melody Tent with these guys. We're gonna be doing May 10th, May 11th. Again, the Melody Tent August 15th is a stand-up show. It's us four with Rich Voss. People keep going, is Voss the first guest on the regs No, no, but he is gonna be MC in our we're gonna be doing all be doing stand-up in In Cape Cod, but if you want to see the August 15th, and if you want to see the regs live, we're gonna July 10th

That's a Wednesday Graham Gramercy Theatre in New York City get tickets gonna be very fun might have a guest there So go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates and then I will send you shit when I'm around. That's what Punch Up is great. Yeah, they're very good at getting your email. I mean, they fucking helped me sell out Boston this weekend, which is nice.

That fucking little mailing list. And we have these hats too. If you want one of these regs hats, go to comicwearables.com right now and you can get these hats. I got one in my office. Av available right now with really rubber stamps. So there you go. And we're back.

We're live. Can you bring me those CBD joints? Yeah, you still not smoking? Yeah. What's your favorite warm weather, cool dessert snack? Fudgicle, popsicle, ice cream bar. Oh, I love a fudgicle. I had one last night. Where'd you have. Fudgicle, popsicle, ice cream bar. Oh, I love a fudgicle. I had one last night.

Where'd you have a fudgicle? My favorite cold treat. What? Hit us with it. It is a, you get an old fashioned donut. Oh, you made me one of these, I think. Yeah, I did it on the podcast with you. This is like my treat.

I invented this treat. And when I say invented, I stole it from a place that I saw it at. Then I stole it from my... Lewis vented the old fashioned donut. I'm not done, dude. That's one part of it. Okay.

I wish you were done. It's an old fashioned donut. You microwave it for 20 seconds. Then come on it. Then you put two scoops of ice cream, any ice cream flavor that you want on top of it. And then you fucking, it's warm. That's not a cold treat though.

It's a cold treat. Well the ice cream's not. It's a warm cold treat. No, the ice cream starts to melt into the donut. The donut's a little warm, the ice cream's cold on top. It's still a cold treat. That's a warm treat. I'm a year round ice cream guy,

but in the summer specifically popsicles are great. I love a watermelon popsicle. But the fruit one. I like the water, and you like, you know what I like? Mochi. Dude, I love fried chicken ice cream. That's my favorite type of ice cream. Stop it.

What? I'll just say this, Bobby, I know it doesn't really feel like a cold, but it's good in the summer. Key lime pie. I hate, I fucking hate key lime. I had the best key lime pie that I've had in my entire life. In Jamaica, they made homemade key lime pie. It was just great.

Fucking phenomenal. It's disgusting. Unbelievable. I thought you could only buy it in a store. I didn't know it could be made key lime pie. It was just great. Fucking phenomenal. It's unbelievable. I thought you could only buy it in a store. I didn't know it could be made at home. Eddie was going, ugh. He's like, look at me, it's the cake. I can't do the voice. Fucking meringue sucks.

Meringue? It sucks. You're a meringue. Meringue sucks. I love key lime pie. Key lime pie blows. I'm even saying it. I hate it.

I hate key lime pie. It's one of these things, like a tart, a tart thing. A what? A retarded. A retarded. Something tart you gotta be really in the mood for. A lemon, a lemon cake. You're an asshole.

Lemon cake. But if it's hot. Lemon poppy pound cake. Lemon poppy pound cake. Lemon poppy pound cake. What's happening to your ex this weekend? I like a mochi, like the Japanese ice cream. You just say things like that.

I love mochi. You don't love mochi? First and number one, always gonna trust Bobby on desserts. Even though he doesn't like key lime pie, he's like a little taste sherpa. I like it. What else you like? You know what I really like doing?

This is the fattest thing I've ever done. Let's fuck it up. You know the chocolate that hardens when you put it on the ice cream? Cover it in his body. Yeah Don I'm shelled up. Magic shell. Magic shell. I used to get magic shell. Don I'm stuck in my shell.

I fucking did it in the tub again. I fucked up Don. I'm fucking freaking out. I used to get magic shell and on every bite of the ice cream I would put the magic shell on. I fucked up, Don. Oh, dude, I'm fucking freaking out. I used to get magic shell, and on every bite of the ice cream, I would put the magic shell on it. That is some fat shit.

And let it harden, and then take a bite. And then you crunch through. I didn't put it on top, I just, every single bite. In the spoon? On the spoon, scoop the ice cream on the spoon. I would do that. Wait for it to dry. Wait for it to dry.

I'm not gonna lie, I might try that. Dude, I'm wait for it to dry. Wait for it to dry. I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna make my own candy bars. Aw dude, it's a little factory, little factory, a fucking hard show. I'm Willy fucking Wonka. Aw dude, gimme my purple hat. You know what I miss? Those rocket push pops. Oh yeah.

Remember the Flintstone ones? Yeah. Oh those are so good in the summer. Is that the one with the gumball in it? No. It's the one? No, I know what you're thinking. No, you're thinking of it as you push it up in the summer. Is that the one with the gumball in it? No. It's the one. No, I know what you're thinking. No, you're thinking of it.

You push it up in the middle. Oh, yeah. And it's like sorbet. Sorbet? Yeah, sorbet, sorbet. Sorbet-ish, yes. Sorbet? How about a Tartuffe?

No, I'm thinking vanilla with chocolate in it. You never had a Tartuffe? Bring up a Tartuffe. It's a chocolate dessert. It's an African trot. It's an Italian dessert. That's Sarah's security guard when she lived in South Africa. Tartufo is a ball.

I will walk you to your car. I am Tartufo. Thank you, Tartufo. There it is right there. Oh my God, dude. That made my dick move. I am the great warrior Tartufo. I am Tartufo, liberator of my village.

So it's... Bobby, quick, go, go, say something. It's a chocolate? We're gonna lose them I can't I it makes me laugh too It's a chocolate vanilla ice cream with cherry in the middle And then it's covered in the magic shell and then it has crunchies on top It looks like a filet

Where'd you get that? It's an Italian restaurant you go to an Italian restaurant that all of them have to talk to I will say it's not and I like Italian dessert You just go to an Italian baker, there's something annoying about it. You're like fuck faces. All the dry cookies. I hate dry cookies. All the fuck, I like a rainbow cookie,

but I'm kind of going like, is that the best you have to offer? A good Italian bakery though. My, my, my media. The best one in New York City is on 11th Street, or is it 8th Street? I think it's 11th Street. It's called, look it up please.

Because my friend's wife's family owns it, and it's been in their family for like 80 years. What the fuck is it called? You're gonna know it, Bobby, for sure. Soon as you see the name. Well, we lived in Hoboken. We go to Cake Boss all the time, and if you have, Katie has a Jersey driver's license,

it says in Hoboken, if you have that license, you can go to the front of the line. Katie knows it in Boston, the North End, which is the only go to the front of line Katie knows that in Boston the North End Which is the only Italian place left her brother lived in North End for a long time Bova's bakery You got Mike's bakery and what's the other one Joe? I don't know. There's another three. There's three big O'Brien modern pastry But you know, it's better than Italian bakery? And I'm a Chinese bakery. Hot gang go easy!

Not at you. You're thinking of a Korean bakery. Might be Korean. Asian. Just say Asian. We don't know what it is. I gotta be honest. It could be Japanese. It might be Japanese. Whatever it is, that fluffy ass cheesecake they do. Oof. An Asian bakery.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling. What is this? They do You go up you get a tray and you get tongs and you just They got something called tiny dicks pop them kids stop Yeah, dude fucking I love a bakery though, I love you know. You know what's great ice cream? Brigham's. Bring them, bring them, bring them home. They don't have them. No you can still buy at the grocery store. But at, not here.

No up there. I'm a Van Lewins guy. Wegmans. Wegmans is no joke. Wegmans is good but Van Lewins is delicious. I like the, I don't like white vanilla. I like the yellow vanilla ice cream. That's the Asian dessert place

Joe what I mean, this is bad. Yeah, there you go. Oh god. Look at that Ridiculous, I don't order that. Oh, that's mac and cheese. That's I hate why is the ice cream outside of the cart? Yeah, that's stupid cuz it's not what you order You get the brownie ice cream get the cookies cream, you get the fucking black cherry chip. Come on, come on. I like a classic vanilla chocolate chip. Brigham's, Friendly's, you know? I'm a vanilla guy now too.

I like a vanilla. Vanilla. Love vanilla. With shit on it. What have you become? I'm a vanilla milkshake malted. Oh. Malted milkshake. Danny, go get us four vanilla milkshakes. Four malted vanilla milkshakes. I would cum in my pants. What does malted malted. Danny, go get us four vanilla milkshakes. Four malted vanilla milkshakes.

I would come in my pant. What does malted mean? It's a flavoring. They didn't have a dad. It's something, yeah, they put it in there. It reminds me of like the 50s. I don't know, a malt shop. You wouldn't be able to go in.

Yeah, they wouldn't serve you. They go, sorry, friend. You got to get one of your white friends outside to get it in order for you. You know who's got good milkshakes? Waverly Diner. Off you go. Four vanilla milkshakes from Waverly. Yes, really.

I don't want one. And you're buying them. I don't want them. I'm buying them. He doesn't have fucking money. You still got my car. Oh, he's really gonna do it? Yeah, he is.

He's fucking, he's terrified of Lewis. Oh, nice. Dan, can I have an extra point to pick this up? I don't want this malt shit. I don't want no malt. Milt, malted, all malted, yes. No malt. All malted. You don't get it for everyone in the house. Everyone in the house. I don't want no malt. All malted yes. Get it for everyone in the house. I don't know about malt.

I don't want one. Don't kill Bobby. I was going to say if I got an extra shot can I have some of yours. But I just realized I'll just take a sip and throw it away. It's Bobby's money. Good point. Get me a steak too. It's a malt not going to be shit you can throw out.

Can I get some chicken tendies and uh, Caesar salad. There's a place in New Hampshire that's like a hundred years old that does homemade ice cream. And it's like one of those Swiss little buildings. Brother, take me there. I do like a cookie. Or lose me forever. Cookies and cream. Love a cookie. But I like it to be a cookie monster like blue I take I tweeted this the other day. I don't know what rocky road ice cream is. I don't know what It's it's a vanilla chocolate marshmallows nuts and something else and too much. It's a lot So that's like that the fucking well, what's the two queers from Vermont Ben and Jerry?

I don't like them. I don't like any of their ice cream. None of them? No. It's too much. It is a lot. It's too much shit in it. And the package is too colorful. Yeah, I don't like it. It's like pink and purple. Yeah.

The fuck out of here. Stupid. 31 flavors is Baskin Robbins, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's too much. You don't need 31 flavors. You like seven.

That's it. Vanilla? Sure if this is a joke. Chocolate? It's not a joke. I'm making a point. I'm making a point. He's going to bring back these shakes and the podcast can be over. Let's see. Chocolate ice cream, nuts and the whole or diced mushrooms. He's going to be gone for an hour.

No, he's not. He'll be back quick. He's autistic. Good point. He's not going to make them himself. You might. That'd be cool. This is just what's your best like in homemade invention dessert. Homemade invention. No question about it. Come on Pringles. I'm going to make a joke. I don't like it. Yeah, but this is just, what's your best like in homemade invention dessert?

Homemade invention? No question about it. Come on Pringles. You come on a Pringle and you eat it. And you do the duck thing, you're like. From the commercial. Got too much dip on your chip. Let me have some of that.

You shave up your nuts, I get it. Yeah, no, this is such a fat guy conversation. Just, Joe, you can't connect, because you're not fat. You've never been fat. Yeah, but he eats like a fucking three-year-old. Yeah, Joe and I both have childlike. Yeah, they don't eat, like me and you will go for steak dinners, fancy restaurants.

They eat the same shit every day. Dan taught me the best movie theater snack, which is gummy bears, not gummy bears, Sour Patch kids in the popcorn that I've now adapted. Now I throw peanut M&M's on top of it. I love these people that think putting something in popcorn is their invention.

He invented this shit. M&M's in the popcorn, gummy bears in the popcorn. It's been not. Peanut M&M's in popcorn is fucking great. I didn't do gummy bears in the popcorn. It's sour patch kids and you gotta get the... The next girlfriend taught me that. And let me also say this, you gotta be careful.

This is like some Fat Guy technique here. If the popcorn's hot, you can't pour that much M&Ms because the M&Ms are gonna start to melt a little bit and the popcorns, you gotta do a little bit of M&Ms at a time. You're so... Nope. Ah! You're such an idiot.

You're an idiot. Let me see it. No. I'll show you. Let me teach you. You didn't have a dad. Let me help you. Did you? Son, let me help you. You didn't have a dad. Let me help you did you son? Let me help you Let me help you listen just like life. Can I have it please? Yeah?

It has a safety mechanism for people like you oh wow whoa And be careful with that Joe. I'll give you or Dan fuck never mind forget it all right What are you gonna give him nothing? I was gonna give him money to stab you to death Stab me to death. I'm not your dad him. Oh I was gonna give him money to stab you to death. Stab me to death? I'm not your dad. Stab him to death. He's not your dad. Give me that thing.

Sorry. Okay, give it back. Have you guys watched- Buy tickets to Grand Misty Theater, July 10th. Have you guys watched Baby Reindeer yet? No, I heard it's great. It's pretty fucking great. What is it?

It's a new Netflix show about a lady stalking a comedian that's- But it's a true story. So here's the crazy thing. He did it as an Edinburgh show. Do you know that she's now- Losing her mind on Facebook? It rules. So look comedian that's stalked. But it's a true story. So here's the crazy thing. He did it as an Edinburgh show. Do you know that she's now? Losing her mind on Facebook? It rules.

So look, here's what happened. What is, what is? It's about a comedian who gets a stalker. Now, I watched the whole thing, then I found out it's a true story afterwards. Not only is it a true story, the guy who stars in it, it's his true story, specific. Because he did it as a fringe show,

and it was a hit in Edinburgh, and then he made it into a TV show. He made it into a TV show, and it's fucking really dark, it's barely funny show and it was a hit in Edinburgh and then he made it into a TV show. He made it into a TV show and it's fucking really dark, it's barely funny, it's like a dark comedy but it's like really fucked up. But the woman who it's about, he was like look I'm going to protect their identities, I don't want to like say who these people are because he gets like raped in it and it's like oh it's really dark, really fucked up. By a man?

By a man, yeah yeah yeah. Gives it away. Well, so. You've been a man? By a man, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gives it away. Well, so. You been to Edinburgh? No. I have. So listen, the woman who it's about. Did you sell? No, I wasn't even working, I was passing through.

Okay. The woman who it's about, who was the stalker in the story, has come out and doxed herself and she's just on Facebook losing her mind the same way she lost her mind in the show. So she would send them all these like crazy long emails and like just spell things wrong. Like that was a big point in the thing. And like now she's on Facebook just being like, fuck, losing her mind. And I mean, at some point you're like, she's doing the thing. It's a continuation of the show in real life. You're just watching it happen

over real time. What is she? Cause she's saying saying what I read is that she's saying she was the one being stalked. She's a fucking crazy bitch. She's a lunatic. You can go get and get her like tweets from real time. It's such an intriguing. She was being stalked by the comedian. She says the whole thing is a lie. Bless you.

And that he was stalking her. Why would he? Why would he stalk a woman? Well, she's crazy. She's an actual fuck. Why would a man stalk a woman? I know men usually that's crazy. She's an actual fucker. Why would a man stalk a woman? I know, men usually, that's mostly the stuff. A comedian, like a fan, why would a comedian stalk a fan?

I don't know. Is my point. I do it all the time. Not bad. There's all these women watching this in court. They go, he's mocking. Can you bring it out? I want to see what this lady looks like.

Does she look crazy? I don't know. Yeah, she looks a little crazy. She has like, she changes her profile picture like every other day, but it's just a different shot of her looking at the camera like this. It's fucking like just little patterns that crazy people do. But I was like, who's the craziest woman you've ever dealt

with? It was a girl that maybe punch the Mexican guy was up there. That's the girl. It was a girl in Boston. No, she was from New Hampshire, but she was crazy. She liked, she did crazy sex stuff and liked me to. Oh, so you'd fuck her? Yeah, but she would, she scratched. You're not talking about someone that's just like bothered you. No, she was crazy, dude.

She would, like after we'd have sex, she would be like, I'm hungry. And I'd be like, all right, and I'd take her like, to the supermarket to get some, I want cookies. And then she'd scratched my face. But like in a dirty set, like get me cookies now. And I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? I want them too.

Fucking give me a second. I'm putting on pants. You fucking psycho. Yeah. She was a little, I'm going to get cookies and ice cream. You ever had that hard chocolate thing? And she goes, you're weird. Like you can make yourself into a shell.

No, we can do that. We can get real nasty. You can make yourself into a candy bar. Put your tits in that chocolate shell. I gotta go. I had a yeah, that was crazy. She would physically. I think in the age of, I mean, just we're living in the age now where people can go crazy a lot easier.

She always just have sex in public too. Like go through the drive through a Dunkin Donuts while she's blowing me in the water Dangerously crazy. I'm not talking about an awesome chick. You're not understand also. It's the guy at Dunkin's like Old-fashioned donut in some ice cream Fuck I get two ice coffees You see the Chinese karaoke where they hate the girl jerks you off and you have to sing a song and try to make it through the song. Oh, that's like a TV show It's a TV show. Yeah, they have anything And the girls just jerking them off while you have to make it do the song What's what's the craziest girl you've ever dealt with Joe?

I mean I did that bit about this one when I fucked in Hartford, Connecticut When she drove back to her house She was like we're gonna fuck tonight and then we were listening to crazy bitch on repeat by Buck Cherry That's why you're a crazy bitch and she was doing like a hundred and five miles an hour like weaving in and out of traffic Nice and yeah, she really fucked the hell in me kept calling me a nerd. She was like you fucking little nerd nerd bitch And then then you married her you fucking little nerd, you nerd bitch. And then. And then you married her.

I was drunk, I wish. I was on Paxil at the time for anxiety and depression and I was a drunk also, so I couldn't come and I told her, I was like, I can't come, and she's like, if you don't come, I'm gonna be fucking pissed. And then she was like sucking me off all hard and I was like, seriously, I won't be able to come.

She was mad and she drove me back, speeding the whole way again. Same song? I've said, Yeah, literally. He goes, listen, Buck change got kind of a good library. We can just play any other song. Can we go to the next song? She starts up again and you go, all right.

But she was crazy. And it was like borderline abuse. Like she was like fucking really like punching my chest. Yeah. I'm not into that. This girl tied me up once and I got mad. I tied her up and I left her. I left. I just went out of the house for two hours. I came back. She was just like a caged animal going, get me the fuck out of here. I was like, settle down

and I'll let you out. These people are not crazy. You're talking about hot chicks that are a little wild in the bedroom, little wacky. That's because we're normal people. I bring these women into my life and love them and introduce them to my family. That is wild. Why, what are you, what's your craziest girl?

My craziest. You only ask because you had a story to tell. No, I got a whole other story. Well, that's what we do. I'm setting up a fun bit. Okay. We can talk about fucking crazy bitches, dude. I'm the point guard of podcasting. I had a lady, I had a lady in Tucson that I met someone that

negs. I met her at an open mic. And I didn't know she was just a raging alcoholic. And we were like drinking at the club. And I was like, I work at the radio station. And she's like, I hang out. And then I was like, all right. And then three hours later, she showed up just tanked. And she's like, I found it. And you're like, I didn't, we didn't even talk. And then I was like, all right. And then three hours later, she showed up just tanked. And she's like, I found it. And you're like, we didn't even talk. And then we came in, and then I went back to her house. And she had a daughter.

And she was like, yeah, that's my daughter's room. And it was just a closet. And I was like, oh, this is sad. And then we ended up hooking up. And then we became mice-based friends. And then like two months later, she was married. I thought you said we became mice-based friends, and then like two months later, she was married. I thought you said we became mice-based friends.

I also thought. I was like, what are mice-based friends? I go, look at my mice. I also heard mice. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. I'm old, so I know exactly what he meant. Yeah, she didn't make my top eight. Mice-based friends.

But she, it was like, it scared me, because I was at work, and we my space friends and then I saw. We would just eat cheese. Put our fingers in traps. But she was like, she married like a scary Vato, like a fucking South side Tucson fucking Mexican Vato. And I was like, hey, forget me, hey, unfriend, unfriend. Back away, not today.

But she was like, there was something wrong with her to the point where you were like, I feel bad. I mean, do you remember there was a girl who, I didn't date her, but we like made out once. Was a girl, she used to like, I don't wanna say her name, but she used to carry a puppet around and she was an actual crazy person. That's right, you remember that?

Yes. What? We made out. Joe knows her too. Yes, do now. Did you have to kiss the puppet too? Dude, she was a fucking bad shit crazy. Cause some people think crazy is alluring and you're like, no, no, no, no. I don't want nothing to do with it. I mean, like you stay away from me.

She was a crazy person. I mean, she was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person.

She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person.

She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy person. She was a fucking crazy shit. She was a fucking bat shit crazy person. Because some people think crazy is alluring and you're like, no, no, no, no. I don't want nothing to do with it. I mean, like, stay away from me. She was a crazy broad. I don't remember this at all. When you fucked around with her, was the puppet there too?

Dude, was the puppet there? She had multiple puppets. It was bunk. When you made out with her, was the puppet there? I don't remember it. She was just a whap. Did you have to make out with the puppet too? She was like.

Was the puppet just fucking talking to you? He goes, yeah, that's it, kiss her. Kiss her, you have to fuck the puppet. She's kissing me and the puppet's talking, I was like, you're really good at this, wow fucking talking to you. He goes, yeah, that's a kisser. I said, you have to fuck the puppet. And the puppet was like, you're really good at this. Wow. This is cookie. It's like, yeah, I'm just going to jerk off in the corner over here.

I'm going to take this chair. Yeah. You feel fucked. Give her that big black dick. Yeah. Yeah. This is real bad. I had a cop girl I met in Detroit,

and she took her gun out and popped the bullets out and then put it to my... What the fuck, dude? My chin and made me eat her box. Whoa, hey, Kev. That was hot. That's kinda hot. That's kinda hot.

That's kinda hot. That was hot. When Bobby's jerking off, he's like, ah, fucking thin blue line, dude. Back the police. A cop would be hot, dude. I would love to see a cop. A cop would be hot.

Let me tell you right now, a sexy lady officer, sometimes you'll see him in New York where you're like, who are you? Just an Italian broad from Brooklyn with a bumper on her. Yeah, dude, it was in that show, Unlocked on Netflix, if you guys saw that. One of the fucking guards in it is just this gorgeous chick and you're like, what are you doing here?

Yeah, where do you just go be with a rich man? Yeah, why are you walking around all, because you know why? She wants that meat, dude. She does. I had one at West Palm, I hung out, there was all cops at the show, one of them was smoking hot.

And at the end of the night, Frank. Ah, got him! At the end of the night, I was Got him, got him. At the end of the night I was saying goodbye and we were at this stupid beach bar and there was plexiglass and she just came over to the plexiglass and mushed her fucking perfect tic to the, and I left, I don't know why I left. Can we make all cops sexy ladies?

I would listen. Yeah, you'd be like pull over and you'd be like, fucking absolutely. You'd be like, don over. And you'd be like, fucking absolutely. Yeah, you'd be like, done. Now what are we doing? This? You have the right to remain silent. Yeah.

Do I have the right to moan? Yeah, dude, sexy lady officers. Oh, it's hot. I like it. It's hot. Handcuffs, gun, taser. Put the baton in my ass. What?

Joe's bent over a car. He's like, huh, huh. Just deep baton in my ass. What? Just bent over a car. He's like, just deep in there. She's just got crazy bitch on loop. That's the craziest part of the story to me is that you had to listen to that. Buck cherry. It was literally in the car and on the way back. Buck cherry sucked so bad. I worked in radio. We had to play it. I'd be like, who is this for? I'm a crazy bitch. Did you ever see the wedding? Oh, the other one's good. Did you ever see the wedding? Oh yeah.

Did you ever see the wedding where the girl walks down the aisle to it and you see her family's like, come on, and it's like a cover. Her friend's like, oh, you're crazy bitch, but you fuck so good. It's like her wedding walk and it's like white trash. But the other, the first single was good. I love the cocaine. I love the cocaine.

I love the cocaine. Oh, can you wait, oh can you wait. Let them make that up. My girl was playing that one in the car. I love that cocaine. Mexican guy, I love the cocaine. I sing the chorus for you. I love the chorus.

Please, please, no, don't punch me. No, miss, don't punch, I sing chorus. I love the cocaine. Joe's so fucking good. Joe hates his bit't punch me. She's in chorus. I'm out of cocaine. Joe's so fucking. Joe hates this bit, dude. He hates our thing today. Joe's not feeling it. I don't give a shit.

We have chemistry. No, it's great. I love it. I like it. I like it gives me a break for like a half hour break. That bitch would, she would, when I wouldn't be with her, she would like send me pictures of her like on a bridge with her feet dangling, saying she was gonna jump.

Oh wow. What'd you type back? dangling, saying she was gonna jump. Oh, wow. What'd you type back? I was like, please don't jump. But I remember just- I love being engaged to someone that I love and is normal. Normal, like imagine that. It's just so great. But this bitch would threaten suicide.

These stories make me love Katie so much more. Where I'm like, what a perfect woman. She would threaten suicide, right? And I remember just being like, fuck dude, if she kills herself. Because I remember, it was like me and Beatrice were ending, I had this other fucking chick. That. She would threaten suicide, right? And I remember just being like, fuck dude, if she kills herself, because I remember like, it was like me and Beatrice were ending, like I had this other fucking chick.

That was the girl that was doing it? Doggie, yeah, it was that chick, yeah, the cocaine chick. And then I remember being like, dude, if she jumps off this bridge, like I have to literally go to the fucking bridge, find her body, and get her cell phone. Get your phone. To delete all of the fucking messages.

This is just cups of jizz. Now is this malt? Yes. What is malt? Try it, Joseph, cups of jizz. Now is this malt? Yes. What is malt? Try it, Joe, see if you like it. Is it malt liquor? No. It's thicker, a little thicker than a milkshake.

No, but it's a flavoring. It's a flavoring. Yeah, it's way better. The Whopper candy. The Whopper candy is malt flavored. Yeah. What's Whopper candy? The chocolate, the outside poison of the inside.

I'm gonna help you. Shut up. I'm just trying to help you, fucking little rug rat. Whoa. Thank you, Dan. Why don't you say thank you instead of. I said thank you. No, you didn't, you said shut up. Oh, that's nice. I said thank you. That's nice rat. Whoa. Thank you, Dan. Why don't you say thank you instead of. I said thank you. No you didn't, you said shut up. Oh that's nice.

I said thank you. That's nice, that's all I want though. Little watery. Very watery. I'm done though, Natalie, want my milkshake? That's all you wanted? Just a little sip. I gotta wipe it.

Yeah, I could use a little thickness. Yeah, it's very melty. You gotta stir it up. I mean the kid just walked 13 blocks with it. Stir it up. Yeah, fucking kids. Oh, I got a fat stir it up. I mean the kid just walked 13 blocks with it Fucking kids. Oh, I got a fat straw dude. I love girth. I know you do. That's why you like me But my my the girl that I was we got a thick by the way This is good the girl that I was with before Beatrice was the craziest bitch that I've ever been with my why what happened

I mean everything names. She was fun. I mean she when we broke up. She pretended to be pregnant for four months Well, I remember who's that fat and I'm just going to tell you right now absolutely out of her goddamn mind. I mean no, no, she was like out. She was like going to Lewis's friends and being like, you know, I'm pregnant with loses kid and you see Louis. He's like no, it's a man. All my friends like like dude, like you got to do the right thing. I'm like she's fucking crazy. That's why when he actually the right thing, the right thing is killing her.

When he had James, we were like, oh, you're having a sequel, huh? If there was a little kid that looked just like James walking around. All right, can you tell dad that I miss him? But she would like, I mean, she was just, I don't know, it's crazy, it's a weird way to put it, because I think we do, I think I drove every girl crazy

that I've ever dated. Yes There is a common denominator and it's you. Yeah, Puerto Rican rattlesnake common denominator. They don't like that When they call you a real-ass dude sarcastically after they catch you lying I have real-ass dude fucking real-ass dude. What's this you fucking piece of shit? You having your names thrown back in your face is so fucking funny I was one of the go mites and you go don't say that Funky what other than me take a sip. It's a little fun. Oh, no off a den. Yeah, no, you're for this one No one's even drank your fucking herpes lips

little fun. Oh no off a Dan. Yeah, not your for this one. No one's even drank your fucking herpes lips. It's still good. So it's more than malted. It's great malt, but the aftertaste is a little like a malt aftertaste. It's a specific thing. The malt flavor like the aftertaste is the malt. Yeah. Yeah, it tastes like a vanilla milkshake until you sort of like the aftertaste is the malt. Oh, are you farting? Yeah. Yes.

Do truffles grow in shit? Yes. Truffles are... Do they? And mushrooms too. Mushrooms. Mushrooms are fucking animal shit. Are truffles growing shit? I love the cocaine. I don't know. What's a truffle exactly?

Joe just being trapped going 105 going... That's a rumor. You know they have another good song. It's a rumor. Truffles and mushroom. Oh, it is. Yeah, it's a certain mushroom. I thought it was cheese.

No, truffles, a certain mushroom. What is truffles? Not originally an animal poop. But don't they have specific pigs that smell truffles? Yeah. You're making me laugh. Aren't there pigs that smell truffles? And those pigs, aren't they covered

in their own shit and stuff? I think there is a connection between shit and truffles, guys. You know, they have a hit that came before this. There's certain pigs that can smell the truffle. Truffle hog, that's what we call Bobby. I made that reference earlier and no one gave me shit. A truffle hog?

So rewind the tape. I was there. Pigs are fucking apparently, they're like dogs. Yeah. They're like smart. Apparently when you own a pig, or if you're around pigs, you'll start looking at apparently like they're like dogs. Yeah, they're like smart. When you apparently when you own a pig or if you're around pigs, you you'll start looking at them like people look at dogs. So that's why people are like really against pork sometimes and they're just because they see it like

you're fucking just cooking up their fucking fucking. Do you ever know about Vic's story about when he lived on a farm with a cow that he like he had a he had his own pet cow and he like loved this cat. this cat. And then they were like, yeah, we killed Blackie or whatever and he was like, what? And he fell in love with this cow and they're like, yeah, that's what it is. He's steak now. If dogs had bacon, I'd fucking kill doodles in a second.

I love bacon, it's my favorite fucking thing in the world. Bacon's the best, yeah, bacon's the best. I'm not a bacon guy, but I love pulled pork. I had a pulled pork last night. I found a barbecue place in my neighborhood. Good. Forget about it. What is it?

Plug it. Give me business. Plug it up. John Brown's steakhouse or smokehouse or whatever. John Brown's. It's been around. It's an Astoria? Go check it out.

The one in New York City. They're in Jersey now too. It was the one barbecue place originated in New York. BBQ's? No, no, not Dallas. That's like horse shit. That's like for fucking uppity black people. It was the one barbecue place originated in New York. BBQs? No, no, not Dallas. That's like horse shit. That's like for fucking uppity black people. I'm talking about-

Dinosaur. It's a chain, no. Dinosaur barbecue fucking rules. That was Syracuse. Mighty Quinn. Oh, I love Mighty Quinn. Mighty Quinn's is good. Mighty Quinn's is fucking-

There's one right by J's old apartment on Fifth. One right down the street from here. There's one in Jersey and Bergen where I live and it's fucking just, the brisket is just. I'm not into fucking barbecue as much as you say. Oh, I love barbecue. I don't. It's probably healthy.

Pulled pork. Pulled pork is, fuck, I feel swollen after I eat it. It's all salty and shit. Well, it's not healthy. But mac and cheese. Fucking hate mac and cheese. What? I hate it.

What? I don't like mac and cheese. All right, let's Stop the podcast. I think we're done with the red. I would rather have a good pasta dish than a mac. If you're going to choose a mac and cheese, you'd never get it. You'd never get mac and cheese. You never choose it. I don't fuck with mac and cheese. I don't. I'd rather have a potato salad than a mac and cheese at a barbecue place. I'd rather what? I'm not a fucking 12 year old. Well, I am sorry. I've stayed youthful. Yeah. An old dinosaur wants you to have a potato

salad and fucking sauerkraut. Yeah. I love sauerkraut. Sauerkraut's fucking great. I like coleslaw more than french fries. I love coleslaw. Hey guys the best part of sex is the kissing. I love kissing. Kissing is my favorite part of it. Kissing does rule. Kissing's the best. I always think that kissing is like more intimate than sex. Yes. It's like your mouth. I love smooching, Katie.

Oh, I love kissing, dude. I love a girl who spits in my mouth, smacks me, chokes me, squeezes my nipples, punches me, calls me gay. Oh, God. Like, I'd rather fuck a guy in the ass than make out with a guy. Why is it going there? Than make out with a guy. I'm saying that's more intimate.

Yeah, I agree. You men making out with their tongues is grosser than fucking a guy in the ass then make out with a guy. Why is it going there? Then make out with a guy. I'm saying that's more intimate. You men making out with their tongues is grosser than fucking a guy. Yes. I would rather be blown by a man than be kissed by a man. Hold on. Let's explore this. 100%. You'd rather what?

Be blown by a man. Anal sex is still a little bit gayer than kissing him. But it feels better. You'd rather get blown by a guy than kiss him. Yes. Yeah, 100%. Of course. You just go, fuck you, gay.

Getting blown by a guy is not gay. You're so gay, dude. It's cool. But kissing, kissing you 100%. Of course. You just go, fuck you, gay. That's not, getting blown by a guy is not gay. It's cool. But kissing, it feels like your boyfriend. Dude, if you look a man in the eyes for too long, that's gayer than getting blown by a man. I don't like a long handshake. It sucked, oh you fuck. Dude, if you shake, you gotta do the forearm shake.

This is the only man we have to blow away. That's not gay. Or everything else is this. I'd rather give a man a hand job than finger woman. What? Finger woman. Finger woman. M-m-m-m-m-m.

Shutting down. It's getting so hard. All the blood is rushing to his cock. Kiss is the best part of sex. I love kissing. I love kissing. You start with kissing, it's in the middle, and at the end you make out.

Exactly. She spits your cum into your mouth. That's disgusting. Oh, snowball. I'm the dean of Smooch University, dude. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ah.

Katie stays getting me kisses. My ice cream man used to give me snowballs like that. Your ice cream man? He goes, hey, ice cream man. Ice cream man. Ice cream man. Ice cream man. Hello, I'm ice cream man.

Hello. Other than orgasm, what is your favorite part of sex, guys, we're having, what are you, I don't understand what this is. I love the cocaine. I understand what the idea was. He was like, I know you guys are riffing, you're having a good time having a conversation,

let's go watch normal people talk about it. I know, we need five helpers, but maybe we don't need the one that just pulled this up. Danny, that's fucking crazy crazy Rogan has one guy We have to have six to make one Danny what was your excuse for bringing that up? You were discussing other than the best part to say you thought we might want to chime in with random Redditor's opinions Yeah, that's what I thought

Can you bring a buck cherries disk? opinions. Yeah, that's what I thought. Can you bring a buck cherries discography? I love the cocaine. Mom, what can you wait? Find that buck cherry. Find the buck cherry wedding video because it is legitimately hilarious because you see one guy with his kid go, it's like a cousin that flew in. It's just like, Jesus Christ, this stupid white trash bitch. I don't want to get political, but did you see the lady, the viral video of the woman at NYU who's like, we're protesting, and the guy's like, why? And she goes, we're protesting because I actually don't know why.

And then she turns to her, she goes, do you know why? And she goes, I wish I was more educated. She's like, me too. They have no idea. So fucking funny. That has to happen. It's a joke, though, right? Oh, it's 100% real.

100% real. It's so fucking funny. They just saw protests, and they wanted to be part of it. It's very funny. And they have no idea what the fuck it is. But she says it. It's just funny. There 100% real. It's so fucking funny. They just saw a protest and they were like, wanted to be part of it. It's very funny. And they have no idea what the fuck it is. But she says it. It's just funny. There's no break in her sentence.

She's like, we are protesting because I don't actually know why we're protesting. You gotta show it. It's so fucking funny. Ah, here it is, dude. This lady rocks, dude. This is it. Just hit play. Oh, this is the buck cherry.

Oh, I can't see him. This is a wedding. Oh, God. A backyard wedding. Yeah. Watch. Watch the guy with Oh this is the buck cherry. This is a wedding. Oh god. A backyard wedding? Yeah, watch watch the guy with the kid in the plaid Oh no, oh no. Oh her voice stinks He's covering the kids ears. Here it comes. Oh Jesus. Look at him. He's like he's comforting his kid. He's gonna cry. He goes listen this is his second cousin. This is one of the best videos of me and my dad

Actually, we have their good order address Max is tossing bills on her. Oh, what is this like a skank fest wedding? This is crazy This is so garbage wait, do you see that lady? Husband also, it's the best shape she can get in for her wedding day Her husband has the bandana around, like the, wait, wait, watch. This is literally what Big Jay's wedding would be.

What are we talking about? Look at this guy. Jay would think this is so cool. Yeah, he'd be like, dude, that's pretty rock, dude. Look at that bandana. That's pretty fucking cool the way Christine. Look at the husband's like. Oh, oh Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Look at the husbands like. Oh. Oh Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. Look at the priest. I was gonna say, the priest. The priest is like, dude look they're walking. They left? Yeah they walked. They walked? They walked, they left.

They walked. He said fuck so good. That's so, it's just so funny when they realize like, oh my God, that's wild. Aye,'re crazy bitch, put your fucks up. What if that's the girl that fucked me in Hartford? Probably. That could have been me up there. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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My therapist, Leslie, is awesome. She's really helped me get through a lot of shit. You guys go to see Alan here in the city, but I saw Alan, I've seen a lot of therapists in person. The process of finding a new therapist is really difficult. You show up, drive an hour there, you sit down, you're like, I don't know if I really like this guy. You know, two months later, you have to try a new therapist. It's a lot. With better help, you could change therapists at any time. If you don't like them or you're not feeling them, boom, you're good.

For free. For free. There's live chatting so you could chat with them at any time. There's a journal. It's actually legitimately a great service. You know what the best part about it is? You do it right from your bedroom. Best part, you don't have to watch service. You know what the best part about it is? You do it right from your bedroom. Best part, you don't have to watch another comedian come out of the room while you're waiting in the room and then when you're coming in, you just slide.

At least now, drawing your pissy eyes when Gary Goldman's standing there. At least now, there's a hallway. Yes, exactly. Yeah, but they really are great. I love BetterHelp. Just go to BetterHelp.com slash regs and get on your way to being your best self. Once again, that is BetterHelp.com slash regs, R- your way to being your best self. Once again, that is betterhelp.com slash regs, R-E-G-Z.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at www.betterhelp.com slash regs, R-E-G-Z. Is he losing his fucking mind right now? What is happening with you today? He moved the thing, love reading it. No, I was in the middle of reading it, and you cut me off to read the exact thing that I was reading.

I'm gonna say this, I need better help. Do you remember the first time? I need to use better help. Better help, better reading. Better reading. Remember the first time you went to the talkies? All right, what are you gonna do? I'm just trying to help, guys Are you, when are you getting married?

Next year. Yeah, are we all coming or is it a? Duh. Is it a big wedding? I don't know yet. We don't really have a lot planned. Is it gonna be in New York or is it a destination? It's gonna be Northeast.

You'll be fine. In Boston? Maybe. I don't, we don't have a place yet. We don't know, but it's gonna be next year. You guys should get married at Skankfest. No. Absolutely not. To that song. Please. You guys should get married at Skankfest. No.

Absolutely not. To that song. Please. We should hire that girl to sing the song. Insane clown posse playing crazy bitch. And then Katie's just crying, her mom's like, this is the fucking sweetest thing I've ever seen. I'd be drinking again.

You should get some wool socks to warm up your cold feet. No, probably. I mean, we're probably gonna get married. We're probably gonna get married to the justice of the peace and then have a regular wedding. Excuse me. Like we're playing. Yeah. Thank you. Take that. We're just like we're bad. We know once we plan it, we're just going to go get married secretly and then just so it's not going to be a

real wedding. It'll be like the wedding is going to be like your sexuality a little bit secret. Why don't you tie that on? So you're gonna get married first and then just have a party. Do you want to have like a big hall or is it gonna be not religious right? You guys aren't religious? Not a church? No, I think we're just gonna have a big party with all our friends. No church. Probably outside. Probably a nice like no church. Priest or somebody gonna marry you?

Why don't you have Lewis marry you? I'll marry you. Probably not. Dan. Why? Dan. What do you have? Dan Stamford-Germain?

He goes, oh man, oh these two are so much in love. I regretted not having him open it for my special. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. No, I think we're gonna figure something out, but yeah, I think it's gonna be one of those things where- Like, what's up motherfuckers? He invites fans. figure something out. But yeah, I think it's going to be one of those things. What's up, motherfuckers? Natalie's just taking notes.

Now, guys, real quick, before I say my vows, I do want to let you know we are sponsored by DraftKings. Go get whatever my bookie. Yo, create them. But yeah, we're gonna it'll be next year. I'm excited. Yeah, it's fun. Can we dance? Yeah, we're going to have everything. You're going to dance.

Dance odor. Dance odor. When you start to smell from dancing too long. That's good. That's nice, Lewis. Lewis finished strong. It's fun as hell. Did you guys see there was a guy,

I don't know what sporting event this is, and he's like, he's behind, I don't know exactly what it is, but he's behind, they're both in the background, it's a guy, and I think it's his kid, but at one point he leans over to his kid and fucking nibbles on his kid's ear. It's like a 12 year old kid. That just came up because they, it was,

I'll tell you, because they said it looks like my friend McDaniel, from The Dolphins. Someone tweeted at me. Hold this up, they can probably you because they said it looks like my friend McDaniel No just happened I don't know I don't think it was his kid It wasn't I know it was like a predator was just a guy and he was on camera No, he was on camera and then he nibbled on I don't think he knew he nibbled on the kids ear But in a very sexy way and the kid was like it kind of took it but didn't think he knew it. He nibbled on the kid's ear, but in a very sexy way. And the kid was like, he kind of took it, but didn't want to take it.

Is he like a pedophile? We don't know. They're trying to find him now. Like the internet is, this is their only thing trying to find this guy. It's right here. Lewis, have them pull it. Are you talking about this guy right here?

Get out of your phone. Have them pull it up. They're pulling it up right here? South Yorkshire Police Department. Make it big. It's TV during a snooker tournament. I'm never gonna make it big. Look at it. The police are stiller tournament. I'm never going to make it big. Look at it.

The police are still looking. Right here. We got it right here. Yeah. Play it. Watch. They look like they have similar faces. It looks like his father.

Look at their faces. Hey, how you doing? Yum. Oh, he licked. Ew. No, he went for his ear. No, but it looked like he licked. Oh, slow motion makes everything pedophilia.

Oh, it was a nibble. Hey. Hi. I don't know. Maybe. Dude, him getting caught right there, he goes, hey. Oh, shit. No, he knows him.

The man is seen approaching over the kid's face, where he is by all accounts, saying something before 10. He goes, how hot does snooker get you? Ha ha ha ha. I'm about to snook get you? I'm about to snooker something. I'm about to snooker my tongue out of your ear. You want a hot dog? Can I just say, it looks like his father. It does.

It looks like they have a similar face. Am I wrong? They do? They're white and eyes, one nose. Standard. I understand what you're going to say, that it's his son and it makes it alright? No it doesn't make it alright. It's just family business. No. Here's the thing like what if he's

just what if the dad was just loves his kid like trying to fucking fuck his own kid. Here we have guys. He goes mom's not around to stop this. What's up nibbles? I just want little daddy Nibble? I can't wrap my head around why a father would do that to his son on camera if he wasn't just fucking around. He didn't know he was on camera. But just missed. No, he didn't. Definitely. At the end he realized and went, oh shit, hey.

Oh cool. Watch it again. Watch it again. A lot of people are making that- How much did you guys record? A lot of people are making that thing. They're saying like, oh, he realized at the end. I feel like if that's his father

He was making of just a fucked up joke and it just fucking got it He just literally did the exact thing you should not fucking do you put your mouth on your fucking kid But I just I don't think that that's a child molester molesting a kid on camera I think it's an idiot who's trying to make a joke and I don't know dude Watch he's looking the wrong way Doesn't realize he's on camera watch he's looking the wrong way Doesn't realize he's on camera. He's looking the other way the kids looking right at the camera and then Oh, he does lick him. That's fucking weird That's with though by the way. I didn't I didn't see the lick in the end. I thought a file dude

I bites his ear like oh And then he realizes Waves he's like oh shit if you're the kid in the green you go look at that bullet he went Yeah, dude, I don't know it is he didn't know you might be right He might be right the lick the lick is the thing that's fucking me up Because when I first saw it it seemed like he was like went to go like bite him and then maybe Accidentally got his ear and then I was like I think people are blowing this the fuck up. And I was like, this poor kid who's probably, he's being made fun of,

is probably calling his dad a pedophile. Because your father's a pedophile. A pedophile. He's not a pedophile. He's just a very loving father. The first time I saw it, it looked like he went to go like bite at him, like playfully and joking.

But watching it now, dude, was he's licking him in slow motion. Slow motion for me. for said there's a certain age where you don't do shit with your kid anymore well you don't ever you never put your tongue on your kids face a little baby you ever maybe you might nibble his little baby a little baby I love you know what I mean cocktail we this is a funny moment so this this was a guy was actually on the show I believe there was a comic I won was actually on the show, I believe. There was a comic, I won't say his name

because I don't want people to like fucking, because he, and he told the story at a very honest moment and it was a very funny story. He was talking about how he had his new baby and he just thought he was so cute and he just went, he went, mwah, and kissed his face. Then went, mwah, and kissed his tummy and went, mwah, and kissed his dick.

And he went, wait a minute, I can't kiss his dick. That's really funny. You blew your son. He kissed his son's dick. But when he talked about it, he wasn't like, oh, I molested him. He was saying like, the story was so real. Like, just in the moment, he went, mwah.

Oh, wait a minute, I can't kiss a kid's dick. Oh, no. I just kissed a penis. I don't remember that. You don't remember this? No, but that's fucked up. It's fucked up, dude. Also, if that kid sees it in 20 years,

he's gonna be like, you motherfucker. You kissing my kid. But yeah, I mean, I don't know, that's fucking. They still haven't found that guy? That's crazy, it's such a clear image. He's hiding. I don't know. He's hiding.

There's no hiding. He's trying to come up with it. He's on AI trying to come up with an excuse. He's like, uh. Chat, TBT, write me an excuse to bless my child. Oh, God, I was hungry. No, no. That doesn't work.

I was too fast. I thought he was my butch wife. My tongue was cold. That's it. There must be some new info, right? It's been like a couple days. It's been like four days at least. Danny, what do you got?

Police are investigating it. Thanks. They don't have at least. Danny, what do you got? Police are investigating it. Thanks. They don't have an agent. Thanks, detective. Thanks. Use your autism. He goes, I'll feel the ground. Yeah, that's a fucked, I mean, he sucked on his ear.

Yeah. Yeah, he didn't really. Watching in a slow motion changes things to a certain degree. I mean, I'll still kiss Max, you know what I mean? I'll kiss James. Yeah, kiss him goodbye, I love him, I love him. I'll kiss both of them.

What? Nothing. Just a lie? I don't know, I thought we were. But I wouldn't, you're right, I would never, I would never put my son, I would never put any part of my son's body into my mouth. And suck his finger?

I would never. I think that's the, that's the key, right? Yeah, just putting your son into your mouth I feel like is a line that you're on What about a finger if it has like cream on it Chocolate on its finger and I went Sexy game with That's crazy, that, can we play sexy games again?

Oh, fuck, dude. Ew. Ow. Y'all crazy, Max, but you got chocolate on your finger. If you had to put one of his body parts in your mouth, what would you do? Good question. I can't answer because I don't have a child and this would put me on a database. A Dada base? Dada base. Boys we did it. Oh oh oh perfect joke. July 10th, Grammison Theater. Dada base. I like it. I love it. I'm saying, whoo, that was, that was a good one.

Trust me, just where it's swept across the legs for a reason. It's all chubbed up. All right. Well, there you go. There you go. There you go. It's your show. Come on. What are you? Yeah. What are you doing? Two hours right now. Relax. We're fine. We Bobby did it. We barely even touched any topics. We're at two way worth of two hour mark, but Bobby stopped it. Not me. Yeah, we gotta go. You want to go longer? I don't know. What would you put in? You go somewhere else. I listen, the regs will be back every other week. We have a show at the Gramercy July 10th, July 10th podcast. It is a pod doing a live podcast, July 10th of the Gramercy July 10th July 10th podcast. It is a pod doing a live podcast July 10th of the Gramercy theater then

August 15th in Cape Cod will be doing a live stand up show at the Cape Cod Melody tent. It's on all our social medias. It's on our websites. It's on the websites of the place. So get your tickets. Make sure you go to comicwearables.com get your regs hat and make sure you go to all our websites What do you got Joe? What's your website? Comedian joe list calm punch up live calm Joe hyphen list and then protect our parks is gonna fist fight us in a cage fight At skank fest crushed

We're gonna get crushed all eight of us. Well, do we have to fight who you fight? Is it tag team or just all at once your tornado tag. What's tornado tag? Everyone's in at once. Everyone's at once. Rogan's going to clear this. Yeah. Norman would be a problem. Shane can change the problem. The Shane's a problem. Shane's a D one athlete. Big dude. Shane and Rogan clear us. You just got a roadhouse. Shane like I'll fuck. I will. I will wreck Shane shit. No, you won't. One hand tied behind my back. I'll fuck, I will wreck Shane's shit. No you won't. One hand tied behind my back. I'll take Ari. Who's taking Rogan? Well, Ari. We all have to take care of the other three.

With one punch, we have to knock out everybody very quickly. You guys are. We'll all jump on Rogan at the same time. You guys are fucking obsessed with that. No. But no, all four of us and four of them will be at Skankfest, each doing comedy.

Literally, seven of the eight will be at Skankfest, each doing comedy. Literally seven of the eight will be at Skankfest. Oh wow, awesome. Did Rogan ever come in? I was Norman that bailed. If, no, he's never been. I mean, I guess if Rogan was in Vegas during Skankfest, which I don't think they've announced the UFC schedule that far ahead,

I think he would pop in. Dude, if they did a live protect our parks. I offered it to them. Be big. Dan Soda? DanSoda.com and check out On The Road on YouTube. Check it out. Lewisofskanks.com is my website.

Denver this weekend, boys, come the fuck out. We're selling out, Denver. Denver. No nuggets. Punchup.live slash Robert Kelly, RobertKellylive.com. Make sure you check me out this weekend, Sarasota or wherever I'm gonna be check it out and make sure you

Support all these other fuckers over here who are helping us produce the show you guys are the best We'll see you guys next time on the ranks