Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - No Rules!

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

Robert is joined by Yannis Pappas, Luis J Gomez, Joe List, Kelly Fastuca and chef Devon Ricci.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Mao, a Madrid.

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Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlos sin pagar nunca. tienen todos tus dispositivos. ¡Bien a verlo sin pagar nunca! Jim Norton, little Jimmy, his special premieres Friday, August 23rd at 10 p.m. on Epox. It's American degenerate. Jim Norton's new hour special, it's fucking unbelievable. So make sure you spread the word, Facebook it, tweet it, tell your friends, and watch it. Premier's Friday, August 23rd, 10 p.mm. On epics. Thank you very much

All right check it out here in my date you guys are always asking me where you're gonna be playing when he coming to my Town today when he coming back to Jersey man when he coming back to the Mara landing Well here you go here are my dates So get a pen and a piece of paper And jot it down. August 17th. That's right, August 17th. To the 25th off the hook comedy club, Marco Island. September 5th, New York Institute of Technology, Old Westbury, New York. September 6th and the 7th with the Friday and Saturday stress factory in New

Brunswick. One of my favorite clubs. October 10th 11th 12th, McGubby's Joe Cousin, Maryland. Love that club too. And then I'm back October 24th at the Revell Casino. Brand new Casino Atlantic City. I'm doing an hour show, one show only. That's a fucking good time. so get your tickets for that. October 25th, 26th, comedy works Albany. October 31st, Funnybone, Sacra. Where is it, Syracuse? That's the 31st, through the 3rd.

That's a long one. That's up in Syracuse. I think that's a new club. The Funnybone and Syracuse. I think that's a new club, the funny bone in Syracuse. October 31st to November 3rd. November 7th, 8th, 9th. I'm in Toronto, Canada for the dark comedy festival, T.Dot Baby. December 6th, side splitters, all the way to December 8th, in Tampa. Tampa, I love Tampa. December 27th, comedy shop, blackstone, blackstone. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's, it's fuck, my wife fucked up on this one. So she's gonna have to fix it. But that's enough. You get it. Go to robbercullylive.com right now. If I didn't mention your town, it might be up on my website. If not,

email me. The club you want me to come to and I will make sure my agent is on it. So there you go. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OK, are you done? Are you done talking? Yeah, just shot. What do you mean? I'm trying to do the intro.

Right in the beginning of the intro, you're talking. Cut the fucking kids nails. Anyways, here's the intro for this, you know what did? Unbelievable show. This fucking show, man. Over two hours, fucking hilarious. Janice Poppiss, Louis J. Gomez, Joe List, and of course, Kelly Fistuka.

We had a special chef guest come in, Devon Ritchie, who cooked a bunch of food that I didn't eat because of the, you know, we don't eat in the, we can't eat in the fucking room anymore because someone, anyways, whatever, brought in a bunch of food, diet food from me. We had a breakthrough, we had some laughs, we had some serious times. This was a fucking funny show. If you don't laugh at this fucking show, I don't know what You're you're you're just please just unfollow me from life

This show is great Unfuckin believable. We get some some announcements Crazy shit, man crazy shit. So enjoy this one, no rules, you know what dude? Wanna thank you guys for supporting the show, spreading the word, getting your friends into it. The numbers are going up, you guys are loving this shit, so that's great. So thank you for that, make sure you go to iTunes,

subscribe, leave a review, keep us up on the top of 100. And you know, thanks for coming to the shows and letting us know. Our live shows and letting us know where you heard of us or where you heard of the show or how you heard we were going to be in your town. Do you know what did, podcast, the fucking dudes told you. So our sponsors, our ass hop-hunchers, Tweet Audio, all Amazon, all those fucking thanks for using all that shit too. I got too wordy last week. I'm not gonna get too wordy this week. I just wanna make sure I thank you guys, all the guys who donate.

We, I fucking shut the hell up. Honestly, take care of the baby. Can you take care of the baby? He needs you. Oh God. I'm, how fucking ending it? But you won't shut up.

And now I know I'm on my dream thought. Fucking Christ. So there you go. All right. I had to say something. Make sure this week I'm in Marco Island in Florida, so make sure you spread the word about that. I'm in Marco Island.

Make sure you watch Jim Norton special. Well you shut the hell up. Make sure you watch Jim Norton special. Just came out. He's one of the funniest guys working the earth and he's a dear, dear friend. So make sure you just do yourself a favor and go get Jim special. And this week, actually next week, at the village underground Erie Schaffer is bringing his storyteller night it's on the 27th that's a Tuesday five dollar ticket that is August 27th the village underground make sure you get your tickets now go to the comedy seller dot com homepage you

can get tickets there. Or just tweet me and Aerie, and we'll direct you in the right way. Tickets to Selman already, it's already half sold out. It's got another week and a half to go, so get on it. Storytelling night, village underground. First time it's gonna be there. Aerie Shaffer, me, Big J, Kurt Matsker, Keith Robinson, and

more. So get your tickets. August 27th, off the hook comedy club, 22nd, 23rd, 24th. Go to Robert Kelly Live for all your dates, all my dates. Come see me live. Let me know that you heard about the show through the podcast. All right. now that's to wordy, so we're done. Enjoy the show, fuckers. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton, this is Dennis Liri. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Kreiser.

Staying cookin', you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what dude? You know what dude? I know what dude? You know what dude? You know what dude? Ify bippy by uh, ify bippy boo. Dippy dippy dhyah, yabba dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhy, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhy, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhy, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but dhyah, but d You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is?

You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is? I had a fucking fried dumpling and steam dumplings, but the steam dumplings that have the soup inside the real dumplings And I had fucking own bomb bomb fucking noodles with pork and spinach and garlic from Boston Gallic but yeah, I have the internet. Please don't

Nope, you can have whatever you want. Thank you Kelly. You can have whatever you want. Thank you. Kelly, you can have whatever you want. Thank you. It's really good. You're right. I'm going to get on my Kent. No, I would never say. You look pretty, Kelly. No, thank you.

What have you done? I rushed home to have a show. I have to work. What are you producing the show? This week's sweet sound. So, Vianna's pop is in the morning. Vianna's is is in the morning. Yannis is Pendoora. This is what Yannis has been singing to himself late at night on a train going back to

Shitty Brooklyn. Looking at his reflection in the fucking train window, all of a sudden he pulls up to one of the stops and there's a beautiful girl across the tracks going uptown But he's going downtown and he looks and she looks and they both catch each other's eyes and they remember each other from a show a long ago And she swaves and he waves and he goes to get up on the door shut and she goes to run over but It the train just takes off and he winds up back at his mom's house alone in a basement eating Greek yogurt and Doing characters You guys remember Millie Vanille. Yeah, they didn't sing properly hang on guys. This is this is Hollywood

This is a Hollywood number hello. You're on the YK you're on the YKWD podcast. Who is this? Abby, how's it going? Hi Hi Abby this is Abby from Apostle. She is the main manager out now. You're on my show right now. This better be good. I have an audition for you tomorrow. I'm going to see if you're a little Hulk. Oh shit I have one already.

What's the audition for? 430 and then I have a phone call at one. It's 1030. It's for a Fox pilot call us and them. see audition for uh... four thirty and then i have a mcphone call it one uh... ten thirty for a fucks i would call us and them so uh... okay set it to me i'll look at it right after my show and i'll call you back ten thirty fucking early who does auditions at ten thirty

i don't know how i'm gonna learn the lines i need time i'm a fucking professional i know you are well you really good at that l.a. talk I'm a fucking professional. I know you are. Ha ha. Well you're really good at that L.A. talk. Alright Abby, I'll talk to you later. Say goodbye to everybody. I'll do it. That's Joe Liz, he said he'll do it.

I'm interested. I'll say something about this. Okay great, well if Joe and me are in the same audition, one of us shouldn't be there. Okay, well they don't know what the fuck they're doing. Alright, I'll talk to talk you later you have three things all right so here we are let me just let me just slow a sit down. I Don't like that you lose and wait Lusin with you go mess is

Lusin way What do you want you go maze caught? Virus what do you want to drink? Let me get a diet coke. Wow, that's good. Yeah, I give them that fine That's fine. We don't get diet coach in. I can't test like water, it's shitty. It's bad for you. Alright, here we go. Alright, well let's fuck you get on track.

Welcome everybody to the You Know What, dude? Like I always do, I just push the button and we start. And that's what you were just heard for the last 15 minutes. And now Lewis is here because he's fucking late. What are you late for my show for? Five o'clock. Who the fuck do you think you are? He says five o'clock.

What time, Kelly? He says he goes, dude, it's five o'clock. It's five o' seven and I told him to be here at 4.45. And I'd say, Why are you fucking late? You say be here for 4.45 for a five o'clock show. That's right. Yeah, because I want people here early.

So they're not late. We have to trick you like fucking 12 year old boys. I was just, Hold on, it's not a very good trick if you actually say in the text message, be your at 4.45 for a five o'clock show. That's trick. If you're a scumbag like you,

and work on all these white people. New York City, where people do that, where people are just like late all the time, you know? Yeah, this was 40, but it's late for my podcast. 40? What happened? And I don't like how you have Kelly tell me thing it really do to bugs me because I know it's coming from you so I can't get angry

what is it anything anything the rules of the studio like even the rules of the studio and I tell him not to talk to me right now I had to give him a list of how to be in the studio if I'm not here to babysit and I knew you'd get mad at me for telling him stop me read it I'm gonna be interest reading. He's already come in mad at me All right, first of all, let's just fucking get this out of the way Don't just you come in and you just rip everything open like you usually do like a fucking row gorilla new to the cage I'm sorry, okay Where we've been living in we've been living in Michael Che back in and have him just sit there

What are you saying I'm Michael J didn't do anything finally Che gets a break We have I'm gonna start from the least important to the most important We have Lewis J Gomez and Kelly for Stuga and then everybody else is after them. I even row. We got Lewis Jay Gomez in the house. What's up, Lou? Something all the fuck up. We got Devon. I don't know your last name. Reaching. Devon Reaching who is a... Christina Reaching's brother. What the fuck?

Fucking Lewis. First of all, pull that shoulder sleeve down. I don't want to look at that. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Sit on it. Listen, what is your title?

What would you give yourself if you had to give yourself a title? As a job? Yep, that would be it. Yep. How does a fucking prince, a day job voice, or a graphic designer and a web developer? But I'm also a chef.

How are you really? Really? So that's what you do now is graphic designer and a web developer, but I'm also a real chef. Really? Yes. So that's what you do now is graphic designer web design. Do you work for a company? Do you work for yourself? I do both. Really? I might need somebody. This is podcast interview. I did Kelly's and Dan's site. Oh good. Well, you know what? Forget it. That was the indie one. So you do food and you're actually, you were gonna get to you in a second. Yes. You brought in some food for me today.

A lot. Because I'm a fat fuck. Hey listen. Shut up. I didn't know what we're going to do. Just do it. Pull it down. It's like, hey Bobby, I got a friend. You want to come in? Listen, first of all. I didn't know what was that. I didn't know what was that. Just do. Just push it down.

Pull it down. It's okay, Bobby. You got a friend. You want to come in? That's a first of all. He's a middle management somewhere. Dude, I saw this guy emptying this vending machine. I figured it might be an interesting chat.

Who does it? Everybody works for the MTA. Killer interview. Dude, my buddy saw the killer's live last summer. He wants to talk about it. Do you want to come in? Come in. You're making my eye hurt, buddy.

And of course, we got J. Dude, my buddy saw the killer's live last summer. You want to talk about it? You want to come in? Come in? You're making my eye hurt, buddy. And of course, we got Joe List-AK. The fucking truth. He skipped yours. I want to be the most important guy. He's more important than me.

Look at his posture alone. No, his fucking internet characters are. Oh, God. You know what? The dealing with you, fucking guy. Nice to be here. It's nice to see you. Oh, good. Well, thank you for coming and thank you for being a part of the show. I love being a part of the show. I think you are. You're a part of it. You're on the poster. Which poster? The poster I gave everybody. Oh, you get your own. I have a post. No. No. Anyways, we got, and we got, of

course, Janice. Janice, what what's up everybody out there who hates me? Who listens to this? Did they hate you? I get tons of yeah, you got a lot of like racist Listen, yeah, a lot of like yeah, it's all in an a crowd dude. No, here's a deal. First of all They love to hate me though. They love it. Well, here's a thing you last time we talked you me and Joe I believe it was we were having the pizza party we were throwing in quips as you two fucking assholes Oh, yeah, when at it about the Zimmerman trial and me and Joe just sat there and let you guys go at it So we get a more pizza than you

Yeah, so Yeah, that last time he was very good listen if you're not gonna hold the microphone Fucking go home. How's that sound? phone fucking go home how's that sound? I'll allow you. I figured out a good way to do it. I know that you're in a fucking depression. Okay, I know what's going. Listen, I know life's tough sometimes.

It's the perfect thing to do. No, that's not because it makes me want to not do. Jesse May is holding her mic. I'll guarantee you that. Oh! This jump right into it. Wow. Wow. She actually probably has somebody holding a for

Go fuck yourself Jay And it's not a mic There's a peepy. Oh, is that what it was? I don't know. I just said a thing. I was like that one sucked and everyone went oh And we got Rohtem is her last day today. And she's very gorgeous. It's her last day here. She's 21, Joe. Yeah, she's 21.

21? 21? Yeah, she's a little old. I get it. She's in a thought. You ever hear the joke? My friend told me this joke. The two pedophiles sitting around talking to an eight-year-old walks by. And then one guy goes, whoa, look at that.

And then the other guy goes, yeah, she must have been something in her day. That's how I love Joe. Joseph, bring it on, Bar Joe. Thanks, if the lettuce no, why you love him? I love him, but that doesn't, so glad we know that now. Oh, what's the other, oh, there's a priest, priest, I heard two pedophile jokes this afternoon. Why are you holding this fucking thing?

Why are you hanging out with your gunners? Priest, priest and pedophile. Why don't you get this, hey,'re holding this fucking video, you're having your honest. Priest didn't pedophile around hang out. Why don't you get this? Hey, somebody get this on video. This would be a nice thing to get on fucking video. Don't you think? Last day I don't give a shit. Yeah, she's got senioritis right now. Yeah, what are you doing, Raul? So there's a priest and a... You got it? Jesus Christ. Do I have an action? There's a priest in a rabbi hanging out at like this home for the children, children's home, whatever and the Alson it breaks out into a big fire.

Yeah. And the priest is like, we should go save the kids and the Rabbi is like, ah, fuck them. And the priest goes, I think we have time. We should have filmed the first one. The first one was a pro. She's tired today. She's leaving. She's very sexy. All right. We're not tired today. She's leaving she's very sexy all right We're not doing that. She's she watched my baby

She was at my apartment What is like six years older than what would be creepy to three years younger than when I like to bang on the road You hear that? Pussy you know what they shut up. I mean What you know what you go mess what I don't say that don't worry. mean, Louis Jacob. You know what, Jake Gomez. What? I don't say that. Don't worry, she's too big to listen to this podcast. Listen, I know, I probably couldn't even get her on here. No.

You have to call, yeah, you have to call her people. What the fuck happened to you in Atterborough? I call, this is funny because I go, Kelly, I want you on this on the show. Get him on, he's not around for a while. He's in fucking, he's in Scotland. I'm like, no, he's go. No, he's not he's back in broga. What the fuck happened? How many times did I text her call you like hey Bobby can you talk you guys Really yeah, you're unwinding well, yeah, I mean I'm back 17 days early so you don't think they go great

That's why I thought you were away what happened supposed to be waited 26. Yeah, I love Kelly was Inclusive disaster is what it was what happened to explain people first of all we got to go Annabar was a festival. Yeah, that a lot of comics have been to but people think it's not like the Montreal festival Will you get paid you're flowing up to you get a hotel you get a little money for your pocket and you do great shows and everybody in the fucking world is up there. It's more like you go, you have to go to Scotland, you have to fly yourself there, you have to put yourself up. Everything is on you, but you have an opportunity to make a lot of money if you...

If the press likes you, you get to work in England and make money. That's best for you. Edinburgh is the hardest festival in the world. It's two and a half thousand shows competing in the small town. Well, here's what I have to say. My true honor is being in England. Can I ask you a question? How the fuck, why are you asking what happened?

And about the festival? Because I know so many people that have a really hard time in Edinburgh. And I'm interested to see what kind of hard time. Let's see, why did anyone get in trouble? Anyone can go. It is my choice. Wait a minute, Kelly can go. Yeah. Anyone can go. What would that show be?

It's a barcourful I could go it's telling the microphone Devon Jesus Christ can't you hate yourself? Say yell at everybody guys It makes a few comfortable okay good. Please leave please leave now Don't look how it's fucking eyebrow and his shoulder are up on the same side Yeah. The only hell is fucking eyebrow and his shoulder are up on the same side. That's called presenting. It's called presenting. I know.

He knows about that. Yeah, so you go out there. Now, nobody invites you. Who came up with the idea of you going down in Bar? My agent. Okay, and your agent said you should go to Edinburgh and do what? What show are you going to do? My agent said, right when I signed with him, he said,

can you do your agent's character? Hi, I'm your agent. When we cast as your agent. We have the same agent, I mean, the Luke Cats have the same agent. So when I signed with him, he was like, I can get you in that and Barrow, they want you. You have to give me a decision by the time you get off

the plane from LA to New York. Wow. So, and I didn't, my gut was telling me not to do it, but it was one of those things, you know, when you're a comic, you've come up through the fucking years. Explain that to Lewis. Lewis. Lewis. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You got it, you don't want to miss an opportunity, you feel like you want to take it. You feel like, I don't want to fuck it, I'll just do it.

I'll just, yes, you know what we say, yes, this stuff. Yes. So that was how it's, that's how it happened. And then I went and that was that. So you said, yeah, now how do you, how do you muster up all this money to get the, how do you figure out how much you need, where you're gonna stay, what theater, who does all that?

Girl code. Oh. Oh. Jesus, Lewis. Cut them some slack, We're gonna get into that I'm actually good. I'm doing great. Yeah, this is awkward for me because Janus and I have hung up for less two hours So we're gonna get it serious about yeah, and I was bring up and now it's my job to just fucking hammer him undo everything you just told him to do All right, so so so who does all that so that's my management

Who's your management again? Dave and Chris the stand owners of a comedy club of the stand and they you know restaurant Yeah, and their management. Yeah, okay nice talking How much for the steak and cheese? Emponomas. Hang on one second, Yannis. I'm working out your hotel. Yeah.

We're gonna do a sale today. And then we're gonna have the open mics. We can tell them in the back of the room. Okay, with Patrick from Grinch, you. They're a little more glido Italian than that, though. It's gotta be like a nice fucking Yannis, what we did we got you a deal the new Steinbergs

The new and improved they're not Jewish fine. They're Italian They're not you brothers. They're love brothers Yeah, honest we fucking love you We could bury cats and Jesus So what happened Who makes you call them after four because the deliveries Not during lunch Yannis was Yannis I'm in the weeds right now. Let me call you back

To be orders on the board 86 the funny mo Gotta hate this podcast Not gonna be one of my favorite episodes There will be no this name this podcast will not be named after something I say That's a name right that name down This name will not be something I say listen to me. Oh my god. Oh something I say. Listen to me. Oh my God. Oh, fuck. God. Oh, shit. Every single listener who disagreed with me about Trayvon Martin last podcast is loving every fucking moment of

this. Yeah, you are the new Trayvon. Yeah, you guys should go you guys can go down to meet his management at noon. There's a special. It's called the Janus Pappas. It's a special it's called the yana's poppies it's a greek salad without the fed up uh... shit uh... i could do yana some of the weeds hang on one second

you know it would be great why don't we call them if your management have an on an office what are we instead of a bar? Why don't we call them and ask them their perspective? Yana's how many people have they that would be fucking great? How many people have they ever sent to Edinburgh like their clients? I think I was the fucking Did I speak to you about it? Did I speak to you about Edinburgh a few weeks ago? I don't think so. Why did you give me tips?

I think at the LOL one night we were talking about it and I was saying, just because I grew up, like comedy and Melbourne, everyone goes to Edinburgh and there's a lot of horror stories. I wish I had to put you in touch with people and talk to them before. I wish I would have spoken to more people. Yannis, that's how far down your career has gone. Oh, shut up't shut up! I'm not the one giving you advice I'm putting you in touch with people that have done five pieces of them

Kelly, are you out of your fucking mind Is your self esteem that shitty That he just said that to you And you're like no, it's not me giving him advice I'm gonna hook him up with people who can give advice I've never been It's okay to give advice, Kelly You're a fucking adult Don't let this Puerto Rican with shit tattoos bully you.

All right? Stick up for yourself. Yeah. I'm getting letter after letter after letter about how fucking Kelly's funny. And you guys should lay off her. And I saw her the other night she killed and blah, blah, blah, blah. Now, of course not.

I'm a fucking serious letter. I told you. The people that think Kelly's funny still write letters. On Quills? Dearest brother. Dearest brother, bit. It should have tied to a Pigeon's foot. Wow.

You can't make fun of it if you laugh at it. I'm still laughing at Joe. You got a tag on Joe's laugh. It's on a Pigeon's foot. It's on a bomb, though. Yeah, well, you know, it was close. It was close. Oh, if it was just by itself, if you were on the tail end of a bunch of funny ones, you would have been fucking.

I want to put you in the other room. You know what? Face in the wall. You know what? What, Dad? I wasn't. So anyway, so you go to, I don't really want to call them.

That's going to be a nightmare. It'd be funny, though. Really? All right, we'll call them. To hear them. Do I have a call? To hear them try to justify it? Well, what happened tell me what you think happened?

I Didn't have a fucking I didn't have the right game plan. They didn't know what they were doing my management didn't put me in a great position What position should you have been in what do I style first of all? A lot of people a lot of people that go out there don't pay their own way they get they're brought out by I hope by said by the companies that bring you that. Oh, you weren't one of those. I was not one of them. How can you get in with one of those?

I don't know how that happens. I don't know, just kind of half way. Why wouldn't you find that out first? Yeah, exactly, exactly. Were you a festival manager, Vinnie? Or did I? Festival manager, Vinnie. What does that mean?

Explain that. Kelly, don't just say shit that we have to ask. You know, I'm gonna have to go, what is that? Just explain it, just explain it you've got a couple of uh... i don't think it up there's like a couple of companies assembly gilded balloon a few of them not bring people out their own sort of festivals there's like a bunch of like three or four companies that have

are involved in the festival so i was brought up with assembly i was under so somebody brought you know you just said that yeah but they brought me out under my my dollar they didn't produce said yeah yeah but they brought me out under my Doll they didn't produce me why wouldn't they produce you because they fucking probably didn't want me I got no heat or whatever the fuck wait a minute what you don't need heat to get produced and then And bro no I don't know I've seen people go out there with no heat yeah I don't know I don't have the answer that okay So you know heat wonder why Christmas missed us birthdays was the worst days Now we sip champagne when we're thirsty

Damn right I like the life I live yo And it's all good And if you don't know then you know We decided remember it's a rule if you're biggie size you can say it Don't circus laugh at me You look good though Bob you look at me Oh God guys come on up. Oh, God. Guys, come on.

Stop. You're killing me. Back to Yana. Sad. Yana is. But you had to be going into this with, oh my God, great expectations. You're leaving the States, which is a good thing.

You're going over to Edinburgh, which is an honor to do. A lot of people have done it, you get there. When did you know this is going back? The first moment I got there. Why? Because I met the guy that I hired to do PR, and the first minute I met him, I knew that it wasn't gonna work. What was he like? I lay with him, don't get me, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, there's one thing I remember that, when I was in LA for a while,

Dan used to call me up all the time, be like, you know, you gotta go, there's this party and I'd be like, I don't wanna fucking go, I don't wanna do this shit. He's like, you gotta, I haven't talked to Colin about this. He even said that in his speech. You gotta, there's a certain amount, look, as comics,

we wanna be recognized, we wanna be respected for the art, We want all this shit. We want people to come to us. We know there's a certain amount of smooth smoozing smoozing This was different. How can I smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing I fucked all you guys out smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing smoozing kissing dudes in the corner of the party. There's a certain amount of ass kissing you have to do in this business. There's a certain you have to go to the party. You have to hang out. You have to do those stupid things.

Smile and learn how to do it. But this was different. Okay, why was it different? It was just a dumb party that was way crowded and it wasn't. There was nobody important there. And that doesn't matter out there. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not. What matters out there is you get people in your show, you get reviews,

you get interviews, and you get those interviews and reviews to get people in your show. You got to get some buzz going. To me, call your PR guy. I want to hear his perspective. You got to get so, He's like, you got off the plane. He said, hey, let's go schmooze at the party a little bit. He's like, no, I'm like, why?

It's like, important people. The first thing my PR guy did was when we were making, when I off the plane. He said, hey, let's go. She moves at the party a little bit. He's like, no, I'm like, why? It's like important people. The first thing my PR guy did was when I heard what I heard is my partner was making the flyer. He has a partner? Yeah, my business partner. Oh, it's just Marisa. It's popping, do you like this picture? Oh, you paint half his face.

It's like Victor, Victor. So the first thing he said is like, he was trying to tell Jesse to when he was designed in the flyer to put like some fake stars on there he's like put some fake reviews on there and he was like I'm not doing that I'm not fucking lying on the flyer what if somebody research is it? Well, what was put some fake reviews on the internet? Just have me tweet fucking fascinating results.

But you know what if that's your game that if that's someone's game plan who you're paying a lot of money Then you're fucked then that's yeah, I agree with that. They said when comments buy their Twitter followers people do that all the time They buy their YouTube news or it's why you're paying cuz says here's our game plan lie on your flyer That's the way we're gonna start oh, so you obviously don't have any use to sell me. I mean is it a flyer or a liar? Could you tell me? I mean, is it a flyer or a liar? I mean. Ha ha ha ha a pretty young girl You're not Love Rose face you know what I mean, Ro notice how the people with kids actually has respect for you have beautiful I I've no respect you have beautiful young girl, but you

What do you mean? He said you notice other people kids are respect for and I said I have none I Just can't I can't I mean I respect their parents Ro you have a row mic if you're gonna talk talk into the row mic I think she's a rowdy of high-end. Yeah, what's wrong with you today? She's probably tired. She's been babysitting a baby. She's tired of this shit What you talk oh god she has feelings for me and I'll just do I'll do the wrong Brickie. Hi, I'm like she's hanging out with like a fucking she'd rather be if this would be exciting If there was some names in here There is some name maybe if you fucking got good publicity you could have been a name back You're fucking premature shit dick said you got bad publicity

Pobicity Pobicity I'm making fun of you you dumb dumb. That's what you said. Oh, isn't We'd have to rewind that to hear that. That was a pretty clever move. I just did thanks Listen that was a pretty clever move thanks listen um yeah i was shit yeah i was shit but that was in character this is bobby talking ok bob so you're out there and you realize right away your right away i'm

fuck so but you still you you go forward with it but you got you got to go and i'm gonna show that night uh the next night the next night so where were you staying me and Shane Moss were remaining. He's a comical boss. We had a flat. We had an apartment. You called a flat again. I'm gonna flat you know. You just have to suck. I'm the fucking Madonna. I'm the translate of the people. We had an apartment.

We had an apartment. So you had a Boston. We had a fucking apartment. We had an apartment. So you have this. Bobby. Fucking two of us were in a room together again. And breakfast of all. God, I'm kinda samurai so I'd slop what he had tits off right now.

Now you make me fucking violently angry. You're fucking just your air coming through your tongue. Keep your tits in where it have? Which one? The right one, the stretchable one. Which other ones? Digger, yeah. It's the stirbing thing to say. What the fuck is that?

Oh, you wearing as a hat is just not disturbing, but slicing it off with a samurai sword. I like that. Cut it off with the fucking sword. He was trying to make my fucking atrocious thing funny, actually, making a tithat would be cute. I think I could throw it in my shoulder. Here's the thing, if I actually did

cut her tithoff in life right now in front of all you guys, you'd be all in shock. If he picked that up, we'll put it on the hat, we'll pop, pop, pop, pop. We don't go, oh, all right, we got it. I have to back you up on that. I'm actually, you'll probably have to have a tith taken off anyways.

Oh my god. Why, because my mom had breast cancer. Oh, jeez, I you up on that. Actually, you'll probably have to have a tick, take it off anyways. Oh my god. Why? Because my mom had breast cancer. Oh, jeez, I didn't do that. You didn't, you knew that. We talked about that. No, no, no, no, what do you think about her? Don't fucking high pitch Henry everybody.

That's why it's so hard on you. It is hard on me. This podcast has no rules. I don't know about your parents. No rules, God. The YKWD has made us steal. Kelly Kelly you're probably gonna get breast cancer. Hey, Dan So your dad's dead Rob yeah, yeah, you don't leave fucking Brooklyn

And your girlfriend Nobody has feelings here and then we do we all do we all do everybody each other We do Our don't so Janice you want to die you get there? Yeah, so then I yeah, I knew I knew it was gonna be a problem then the first show was for six people What did you do? What were you doing you just you? Oh my god? Oh my God, so Devon? Devon, that was the biggest laugh. He's fucking cranking up.

He can't stop laughing. Devon draws more people for building websites. Devon, people come and watch him make websites. Shit, Devon's dying. Devon, you know, nothing. We just figured out Devon's sense of humor. So you guys want to go do a show for three people? There, like, Devon, it was only a 10-seater. Devon, that was that. He's saying sent to humor. So you guys wanna go do a show for three people? They're like,

Devon, it was only a ten-seater. That was, that was, that was saying, that was good. Pretty good, the numbers. No, it was considering that he headlines, Caroline's, he makes it even worse. Let's not call, when the curtain is drawn, it's not called headline. I know, it's not drawn.

I know you're gonna say that. I'm just glad that you know who I am, that's feelin' like. I needed that. Listen, we all know who you are. You're gonna fucking funny guy, dude. Not only you funny as yourself, you've built up a bunch of other outlets for yourself. You're funny as a standup,

you're funny, you have funny characters, you do funny web things, you're a creative person. So, so don't be, and Embarro, just cause nobody knows you and all the outside of Brooklyn for YouTube listen to me to them and his love and the shit do they have YouTube in Scotland yeah he can't take it it's got it's got yet to add did you upload your videos to youtube.sc

yeah that's what easy then I have latin so I had to do a Scottish character for it get there so you had six people in the crowd six people what did you of which were comedians But oh, by the way in your head the whole time you're going at least I have my girlfriend at home that loves me You fucking piece of shit listen man. I hope your parents die again Yeah, man, there's no rules here, right? No, we play with no rules. Yeah, there's just a rule we got the window We play with no rules

Hope they fucking die I want some rules just so y'all can break them He just hope the parents died twice like they come back like Harry Potter's and then they die again Well, they know his parents didn't really come back. You know Lewis would have went like this Again, well, they know his parents didn't really come back, you know Lewis would have went like this I'm busy. I have mom dad come back in an hour when I'm doing hammers Actually mom dad can you watch James for a couple minutes? Well, I go down the street and do a spot at the fucking LL Go fuck yourself Side note Harry Potter parents never came back. They came back. No, they did they came back and

Like fucking dreams and fantasies. That's what I meant They come my parents come back in my dreams and fantasies every day. First of all the fact that you know You know it's we're not proud of you But my mom has my voice Your father gives back. It's because of you. I knew it was going to work out. I went out.

The guy wasn't even going to stab me. I said, please, no stab me. I showed him a picture of you. And he went, I got you, buddy. Lewis, please stop doing that visor joke. Your joke shouldn't require an outfit. You wear an outfit for a joke? No, I don't.

I don't do that. But I don't really do the part where it goes. Is that a joke, though? Look at him defend himself. He broke, you saw that, you just there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on his and the road, I'll do it. You know, where you go?

You don't get time on the road, where you get it? No, he's acting like me. That did the... The road isn't a scarsdale, you idiot. You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what?

You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what?

You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know, you go out, and I know what you're gonna say. Still a good show, right?

It was a good show. Of course. Of course. I didn't know. No, of course it was. I did a good show. Okay, there's the face blue. You have to do that.

No. That's a great Braveheart reference. Yeah. We know. Or a Blue Man group reference, in a way. I was thinking a blue boy from Dragnet That's where my mind went. I was thinking you turn your mic off and go back home Push the my go away

You guys have your boring conversation So I cracked the shit. What the hell? It's dude. So, all right, so here's a deal. Now you're thinking, and your head tomorrow will be better. Something they gave you the excuses. Somebody gave you excuses. You know, the Patriots are in town. That's hunting season. They have the antique road show is right by here.

There's a lot of things going on in town. So they give you the excuses, what happens the next Next night, uh, six people again. Wow. Look at fucking Devon laughing again. Love this. He's cracking up. Look at him. Why the fuck is that so funny to you? Sameine. I've seen somebody do a show for six people and this is the sex scene. How many people could have fit? About 70. Oh, shit. That's not so bad. I was about to say that. Oh, it's bad.

It's a theater. There's more. You just see empty seats like that. It's empty theaters. Can I just say something? Staring at it. When you pass more people on the way to the stage, then are in front of you while you're on stage, that's sad.

I remember all their names. I am Russian for Devon Road. But when you know the names of your audience, I thought, guys, thanks for coming out Mike. Bill, I appreciate it. Sally, you were great. At the same time, you know. Liam, nice.

Good to see you, man. Simotaneously, your manager was waiting on that many people. Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be real cool. Does nobody here want to work the stands? Yeah, this is gonna be good. Does nobody here want to work the stands? Yeah, that was the only line I said. Oh, Jesus, now we're gonna be so much for this.

You know, man, just, let me tell you something. You know, man, you're so pissed. He took his apron off. Anyway, right to the phone. What? I was gonna send him some thank you, mech, or anything. And she's, but now I'm not. I was, I'm some thank you macaroni and cheese, but now I'm not

I was I Want to try a truffle mac and cheese on my way to Edinburgh Fuck me dude So so So you make sure now what's the time difference you don't want to call during fucking Sapa rush So you make sure now what's the time difference? You don't want to call during fucking supper rush. Did you figure that out? You guys got to produce show going on downstairs right now? Because I need to talk. Hey, you guys are you guys doing that lobster special tonight?

Because if not, I need to talk to you. And now busy it gets me to do that special. You guys have so many more famous at the club that you're taking 900 photos up and then we'll take my photo off and put up fucking dang cooks even though he fucking hates us and we ate him. Dang Cook was at the club. Louis CK was your last name. Yeah, that's great. Club. Louis CK was your last night. Yeah, that's great. All right, Jesus. Look at her. No, Ro move from Dan to Louis CK. She really brought her expert tensions way down. Why would you bang Louis?

Talking to the mic. I don't think it's on. It's not on. All right, switch. Mike's is Kelly. It's not on. All right, switch to Mike's, it's Kelly. He's not on. She just said she's been dying to meet him. It's not gonna get crazy. I know. You know, why am I turning it on?

I can't do it. What else is gonna happen? Okay, so now you go to the second night. What happens the second night? I just told you six people. Third night. Third night was the night that broke me. First two nights

I was a fucking trooper, you know, I gave great shows for six people you're the trooper or a mediocre comic What everyone I call it I gave good shows people laughed right staff was laughing. I was in good spirits Yeah, I just gonna get better right tomorrow They're laughing at your jokes. What they laughing like you was laughing like Devon, were they Devon laughing? Just a reference to it makes him laugh. Right, Devon's about to hear what is gonna happen on Day 3. Day 3, when they reading your fucking bio and they got to your representation. How those guys you have those fucking, those epidemics? Mmm.

Me and Joe can have fucking be more quiet. Oh, shit. You're on his call as mom. It's like, listen, I know it's happy I'm over there, but it is not a happy I'm gonna be more honest. Yes, you're on his call as mop. It's like listen. I know it's happy over there But it's not a happy I'm over here Oh, by the way the name of my show was called happy place I was the name of my show wow I had a joke of me and Shane no week. I was being my shows now called sad place Was shade is shade there and then my no Shane but Michael. Jay was there too and he's fucking blowing up over there

Is he really why because he's a he's a great comic man. Yeah, but what the fuck is good? We have a wait a minute dude stop. I'm just being honest. Okay fine. Yeah, the very political I've seen Michael J. I've seen it. I've seen it. He's good. Okay, so what all right? You'll say it. You guessed why and I said no, that's not it. There's something else. He had a great publicist Yeah, there's something else. Yeah, yeah, he had the right public then they paid for him to go there There's no way he fucking paid himself He has no way he paid himself he had he had it all thought he had it the way you're supposed to do it He did it. He did it that way. Yeah, festivals know who they want to promote and who they want to be their little babies

They know like Trevor Noah was a big one for a while and now like Chey like they know who they want to make us and he hired the right PR He hired the right he didn't hire shit. Oh, he's He didn't hire shit Michael Chey I've read his tweets. He's not doing anything but jokes. That's all his focus No, but his people hired the right publicist for him out there he had articles he had fucking radio spot he had what is also managed by the owners of grace papaya so they really have to have more time because you know that's just hot dogs you know you guys you know I fire my fucking man do not fire your fucking listen too much going on

listen to me you need to have a meeting, but only at their restaurant. You can't go anywhere else. Listen NBC wants to come down. I'm fired. They want to meet your dogs. They're not getting fired. No, you're not. Not Sunday nights. Sunday nights are usually pretty dead. Is because of Kelly Pistica? No, I don't even say that on this show because then someone's gonna ask me about it. I don't know how to joke. Kelly, I'm joking. Kelly, first of all, first of all, Kelly. Hey, man.

Yeah, they're going to take her in the kitchen again like they did last time. What's Paul be saying about us? No, I just want to work here. No, we love those guys. Those guys look at those guys are doing. Why would I fire them? They had kicked it. I've gotten them so much.

You've gotten them because of you, they have got great clients. Why bring them this far just to leave them behind? Why? Why hand over thousands of dollars? And then lose thousands of dollars for no reason. Oh my God. And then they just stop. Time to pay the bill. That's so funny.

And the other stuff that's going on, you have to pay them for that too. The other stuff that's going on with you? Yeah, in my managers, yeah. Yeah, I thought he was gonna live here. Hey, you're gonna, oh, it's fucking, yeah, what do you do? Nice job, guys, man, not really. What do you want me to do?

I'm kidding, no, of course you have to. I mean, if you're a fucking stupid idiot, you pay. What the fuck is going on right now? Why is this little inside conversation? Bobby, we gonna wait for it. No, we're waiting for it. Wait! Well, I mean, we'll get to it. I wanna get's we gonna wait for it. That we're waiting for. What? Well, I mean, we'll get to it.

I wanna get, we'll get to it right away. And we're gonna get to you, Denver. Yeah, this is the next time you bond. I have eight. Listen. No, it's just moving. It's moving. It's your joke, it's your joke.

First of all, Kelly, shut the fuck up. I know you. Stop acting like we don't know that you already know what's going on and you're gonna fucking spill the beans. I don't Hate Kelly also you didn't beat me you just yelled over me. No, I said cuz aides you have herpes I said oh beat me. I think I think I'm beat me to the punch line. I started mine You just yeah, I really you know another of you really win that one. Yeah, and you know what?

Joe don't be so sensitive. Yeah, you're so sensitive when it comes to that shit He really is I admit I am very sensitive over when I'm talking and then someone screams into their microphone a half joke. That was a good... EWOOT! I'm like, the thing about it is EWOOT! And then I'm like, that was kind of shitty. You're very sensitive.

All right. Well, on that one I say two Shay Joe. Two Shay, two Michael Shay. So Michael Shay's, imagine there were two Shay's. Michael Shay's doing great today. He did it right. They did it right. Not he.

There's a Damien lemon. Michael Shay just said yes. They did it right. He didn't fucking, he didn't, can we just say your say your say your right. He didn't fucking do anything. He went, okay, they went, Mike, we're gonna take care of everything. You're gonna do that, is that okay? And you always have to do a show up, okay?

And he did a shit. That's right. All right, you, right. Cause you're like us. Look, most of us have to hustle. Most of us have to make these mistakes. Most of us have to figure shit out the hard way. And then you have to watch people like Che

fucking get butted through the business. Not that he doesn't deserve it. Not that I don't care about that. I look at it. We always have people. Some people get it some people don't. We will always have those people. You can't take anything away from them,

but you can't give anything to them either. You can't say Michael Che made these. He didn't. He's just that guy right now. He's a great guy. He's a fucking hilarious guy. Very creative't. He's just that guy right now. He's a great guy. He's a fucking hilarious guy. Very creative, but he's just the guy that they want to be the next guy.

They picked him. They didn't pick you or me. They've never gonna pick Louis. But, 100% right. So here, it's not, it's nothing to do with him or you. Okay, you learn that you fucking, you shouldn't have went there and the way you went there right now here you are The shows are getting worse and worse and worse third day was where and and when you're calling it launch break when they take a second They

Say how they help me trust the guy. He's got a game plan. He's calling people. He's getting reviewers in okay Now what happened? I got to hit the street when did you know I got to get the fuck out? Okay, so we were at day three. You know what happens? Day three. Look at how fucking it seems. Yeah, I want to know about day three. We all do.

Day three. We all know about day three. So day three. We have 12 people who have seen you so far in the country of Scotland. That's correct. Okay. So day three, day three,

yeah, I always praying with a microphone. Yeah, there's like, they're like, we've got to come back to Vietnam. We have no ticket sold. It was about in the atmosphere. Oh my God. So they're like, we're gonna paper, we're gonna give some free tickets,

we're gonna help some people fly. You turn into an improv on a Wednesday. It's the worst. I'll put the thing as I will say though, that's a common thing. I lose just left the room. I overestimated it for. That's a common thing though, with Edinburgh,

because there were so many shows, and you have to, a lot of great comics have to rely on their own, flyering to help sell tickets during the days. That's a common thing that will happen. And then, to the reviewers come, that's when things pick up. I would have got a fan of some.

That's what people say. Can I say something? That's the fucking pitch you hear. Can I say something? Yeah. If I was going to go, I would have made a flyer, a poster, stickers, I would have done, I would have spent around 500 dollars on publicity

on things I could give out. And then I would get a fan in enemore of mine. And I would make them help me promote the show during the day. I'd spend all fucking day on the streets getting people to my show and having people from there do it for me. Did you do that? Did you have flyers? Did you have stickers?

Let's just get to the beginning out. Okay, go ahead. This is how I knew at the beginning. Let's go back a couple days. Let's go back. So how far we going back to the first day? They changed my assembly, changed my theater and my time right before I got there. I don't know why I say why no tickets sold They needed that started any of that better theater for Michael Chey But they know the guy had you at a different place and time I had me at a different theater in a different time so that person was selling out that theater

And the theater that they moved me to was way off the beaten path at 815 Which puts me in direct competition with all the big acts at 815 where my previous time was 1115 Which I obviously would have been better at night and I was in essentially a p.m. And I was an essentially located fucking theater right in part of it And they moved me and it was listed in the fucking book at the wrong time So people that was dead in the water when I started everyone fucked up who fucked that up assembly the people that brought me out assembly fucked that up that's their fault and it's my management's fault and my agents fault for saying yet for trusting them and saying yeah it's a good idea to

change it let's change why would they let you change it I don't know why they didn't why would they fucking change it I have no idea but no but why wouldn't they tell why would they ask you if it's okay? I don't know really fuck that's crazy And I probably would have said yeah cuz what the fuck do I know? I know you would intention you wouldn't of maybe not if I would have thought about it They would have thought hopefully if somebody asked hopefully if your management says hey We're gonna change your data. You would have thought about it. Yeah, you're not just gonna go. Yeah What the fuck would I've been like all right? I didn't know it was listed in the book already at a different theater at different times

So I was listed in the book already at a different theater at different times. So I was fucked at the beginning. So I'm fucked. And now I'm off the beaten path and A15 and direct- Say beaten path again, I'm going to fucking pee you on the path downstairs. Then third day comes and there's no ticket sold. So they're about to call the show. And so I'm broken.

My spirit's broken. Because I'm burnt out. Because I just did a week. Talk about broke. Think about the theater Because of you. Nobody has money over there Stage hands of fucking having to get wraps a lunch and dinner take less to jump They're gonna have to they all the stations have to go to Michael Chase show just to get food in the back Greenroom

Devon take a breath Go ahead so you so you're done so you're done so it's fucking dead and So they tell me they're canceling it so my I'm in my mind. I'm broken I'm going and then they go oh no 10 people just walked in yeah, and you're looking It's all the management and waiters from the stand. They just and they have cake they have cupcakes and up on office Hey, we Save in the show We brought all our new talent They just pull ten people off the street and they had the shittiest of energy because over there like free tickets

It's like they walked in an empty theater and they're probably like all this place is empty because we're about to see some horrible shit Right, so they're energy machine right? Oh, este lugar es empty, porque nos vamos a ver un horrible chico. ¡Sí! ¡Y los energías! ¡Sí! ¡Sí! Y luego, yo no no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no. No, no. No, iFema.sí compra tu entrada. Y Fema Madrid. Siente la inspiración. Wow. That would missed. Um, I don't think, I don't, you know why I get the bomb for that. He's got a good bomb in your reach. I don't, I don't think, he's got a great batting. I don't think that was a bomb.

I shouldn't get the bandana because you fucking asshole should know a casino reference when you hear it. Yeah, I don't know, you fucking do you think. It doesn't make people laugh, it's make people laugh it's all a bomb. I don't care if it's good in your head I have it's your probably you guys should know it wasn't it wasn't original Joe goes a reference I don't think the wrong for a reference. Yeah, well you guys should all fucking rents a casino Yeah, I'm sorry fan at this. Yeah, no it's good. I'm so if you know didn't work. I understood I instant or max All right listen, all right, so Bobby's all over Didn't work I understood I understand the format Joe has to come from a certain place I apologize for the reference to a movie that I thought you guys would have Bamped back to the low point of your life in the biggest show

I fucking J more's podcast you want to do references in movies So everything's on the line. I'm your bombing Back to you shit dick Okay, so you're on the stage You're you're now after the show just to stole he's on the stage sitting on a stool So it just went through an hour. It was then one half. Oh did they applaud? No, well, I made them laugh by saying you, we can do we can turn this into the most insignificant moment in history to the most one of the most infinite moments of history if we all committed mass suicide Right, that became like a really fun theme, right? I was saying like it would be great

They'd have a moment of silence at the festival for us, right? We take a couple days for people No, they already have the moment of silence at your show Yeah, it's called the Janus moment They didn't want to at least have my fucking moment here I'm already dying for an hour. I'm here right here. I'm free tickets. Don't be sensitive Now when people go to the festival they call it dude, don't get Janus Make sure you do it right you don't be honest Just hired anybody That's fucking hilarious you probably will be that

Yo, your publicist is poppiss man. What do you mean you know, dude? She's a joke That's fucking funny. Don't y'all know, you go. Don't y'all know. So then, so you do the show. Now, what happens? Everybody's hearing about this.

People must be hearing about it. Because bad, no seriously, bad stuff travels too. You just bring him here and fucking laugh at this. I met this guy 18 minutes ago. I don't fucking know, but I love it. It's literally nothing funnier than a broken Devon is great you even know this show Even know it looks like it used to do fishing tours and fucking Tampa

He doesn't have a Tampa look it does So then what when do you you go back to your room that night and you what you you you calling your management? Yeah, I'm yelling. I'm yelling at Chris and who? Chris and Dave you're and they're trying to calm you the fuck down. Yeah, it's gonna go good You get to hustle. We knew this going in their lion. Calvin's got the stuff on the way They're fucking lion the wolf son the way, you know, they're lying. Yeah, the wolf son They're trying to fucking get you calm down. No movie reasons, please Fucking good. Charles fucking good.

He's the fucking truth. So now they're trying to help you. They're trying to calm me down. They're trying to calm me down. Because look, it is what it is. And who makes the decision? I'm fucking out of here. Me.

Why? Because I'm not a fucking idiot. And I'm, you know, I knew it was time to cut the losses and not try to sink more money into the, I knew I was dead in the water. I got a sense, I got an instinct for the whole thing as soon as I got there. How do you, how do you, Glen wool? My buddy Glen wool, who's big out there.

He's been there eight, nine times, whatever. We had a conversation like the second night, we were hanging out and he was telling me how, how he did it and I was telling him how I'm doing it. And he was like, he just was like, whoa, yeah. He was basically letting me know everything is wrong. And what did he say, detail? If you go out there and nobody's bringing you out,

you want to go out there. You don't go out there like that. You go out there, do the free fringe, do some spots, get a feel for it. Right. Try to get some buzz going, get some fans, hand out some cards. Yeah.

You get a feel for it. Then you you come back again maybe the third year you go for it you put all your money into a fire can you say it sounds like a fucking pain in the ass it's up it's a you want to know what I really think about it's a dumb festival it's a dumb dude they have a free French so they have a free French that competes with the fringe imagine at Montreal they had a free Montreal festival so you could go see the same comedians doing like 15 minutes, and then they fucking cannibalize their own audience.

It sounds like a fucking, everyone's fucking. Everyone's fucking. Hey, yeah, you walk around, there's some dude doing a some deaf guy doing a chaucer play, one man show, and then I fucking flyers. You can't walk down the street without me and it's costed by people trying to hand out flies for their dumb dream right place needs a dream all the time I like that is one of those fucking titties on those flyers

in the mexican snap and it's scary on the fuck out of here snap pussy pussy place needs a dream police man where people go around and be like nope and they just scoop people off the street and say no they just let anybody in it's a bloated overs oversaturated dream Ponzi scheme. Now a few people benefit, everybody else is just funding that fucking well. Microcosm of the entire business. Yeah, pretty much.

That's fine. I literally just didn't think it's exactly that. It's like in New York comedy scene that you can describe it the exact same way. It's like, it's brutal. So you say to, sad, honest. So you call up,

you're gonna go to Edinburgh, go produce. You have to be produced. You have to be produced. And then you're fine. Like Michael Chay did. Michael Chay or some other people, I mean. So now you call your management. Are they with you?

Are they cool with it? They're saying, Dave wanted to make it work, man. He was like, I'm a fighter, he's trying to make it work. But did you call him? Did you see him on the web? I was calling them every fucking day, saying that this isn't good. Right, every day.

And then, now who flies you back? You? Yeah. So you had to take the hit on the ticket. Take the hit on the ticket. You had to fucking transfer it to earlier. I hired a flyer distributor that didn't know. Well the flight attendant's laughing like Devon

when you boarded the plane, when he's not supposed to be Yeah, 17 more days Here's Every single person said I was doing the right thing Every single comic I spoke especially the guy who was gonna get you a theater after you left The mind that was gonna fill it Everyone said this next one is I draw up your eyeballs on my chin

and I hang upside down and I do a whole show like that. Sold out. Nobody told me it was the wrong move. Yeah, I haven't heard it was the wrong move. So you come back and here you are. Yeah, I cut my losses and, and then, I could have lost a lot more money.

And then you come back and you're gonna make an immediate decision on something else. I got an immediate decision. Can you talk about that? I really what is going on? He has an opportunity that isn't fucking

in stone but Janis is the kid in young guns three he's got some good stuff going on, that's all. Look, I always say this, you know, with this bad tragic shit that we go through, and we've all been through it, honestly, God. We've all been through it. You come out, there's some guys that have to fucking go through the mud, there's some guys that never get touched at all.

They just go right up and they float the fuck to where they're gonna be in 10 years And they just hover there Now dance orders, but eventually they get it had to grind Yeah, so to smell like guacamole the first year on the show and Actually everyone gets it even if just because it takes you way longer than everybody in your class gets it even if just because it takes you way longer than everybody in your class even the guys that have that right eventually they're getting it somewhere they're fucking taking it. Well yeah, it's coming. Yeah, well said that about Dane and then it became cool to fucking hate Dane which is not anything

we will experience. Right. Well, yeah, everybody does get it at some some point you will go through your tragedy. It's just at a different level. You know, Dave Chappelle did it. I mean, you know, look, we all get it. Colin was on Tough Crowd and oh my god, he's probably, and then went away. That's the one thing you can be guaranteed in this business.

You will be fired from the job that you love at some point. You will not keep that for 20 years unless you're on a lawn order, all right? You will be fired and you'll have to get on the job if it's TV or movies or whatever the radio, the some point you will be fired. You're planning on firing Kelly soon? Or a little ways away.

Well, fucking row wasn't abandoning me. I would have been next week. Cool. All right. I'm kidding, Kelly. I was a little quick yours is quite helpful I'm telling you's no fucking rules on this thing. That's why I take I can find who a mom's breast cancer sounds great I'm gonna talk about your mom's breast cancer. I'm so sorry. You're hopeful. I'm talking about your mom's breast cancer I'm your hopeful breast cancer

This is no and no rules this is an episode has no rules Devons you to laugh at all our pain and you're He's like yes, I am and your and your girl you guys are done, right? We talked about that last time. Oh No, good. I'm good. That is the best that's the best thing that ever. That's the best one. How do you go from that? Yeah, to fucking Emma borrow? That must have been tough. It's been a year.

It happened to me. Now was she in Emma borrow? And not to the top of the field. Now did she laugh like Devon when she went to your show? It was that the one that put the seal on it? You showed up, you went back to the green room and there was just a kiss on the mirror and it said buy forever.

And then in lips like it was written, you now have AIDS or welcome to the world room, there was just a kiss on the mirror and it said buy forever and then in lips like it was written you now, I've it's a welcome to the world of eight What Jesus no rules no rules today? Come on Jesus crazy, so you guys, but you guys are friends. That's good what I wear you know I yeah, I wanted to be happy. I wish you the best wow. Yeah, well, but you're not friends though Huh, you're not friends that I got no heart. You'll be friends someday Now is she gonna do what she's gonna do. She's gonna do who she's gonna do now What Little

Whoa honest to go one second Look at me look at me Whoa honest to go one second Look at me look at me that do I'm kidding. No, you're not That's just me Say this you fucking piece of shit Listen, it's obviously a joke. Yeah, but seriously. It's too fucking much Step it on his neck It's parents are dead There's no rules today I was stepping on his neck It's over right His parents are dead and I wish I killed them

Say See my parents death is his amber It's funny I get it, I get it Listen man This is fucking terrible Well we've all broken up with somebody Your sick fans are fucking loving every moment of this episode.

This episode's gonna get eight stars. There you are. Keep going, guys. They've been- Kill a kid. If you can kill somebody on air, I'd love it. Oh man. Thanks, Bobby. We love you.

Who broke in class aggression? Boston forever. Did you break out before you went to Edinburgh or outside? And who broke up with you? Oh, it's been a while. It's been a while. Where's my yana'sus Papa's fucking street sign? Behind you, the flood city one. Oh, okay.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yelling me again. Where the fuck are you? I love Kelly. You look at it. People love you, Janus. A fan made a street sign because of you. I met that fan in Pittsburgh.

All right, so you have one fan from the show. What could it be in Edinburgh? He's now fucking Jesse Muley. Really? Really? Fucking really? You're getting in on it now? I'm sorry. Did you hear what she's just saying?

Oh, she said. She said, why couldn't he be in Edinburgh? The guy who came to see me in Pittsburgh made that sign. It's true though. Why couldn't he have made the trip? All right, kill it. No, I died. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. You always come back. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I never fucking see you. Please, kill it. No, I died. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He put me in a choke hold on Saturday night and it fucking hurt He doesn't understand that when he does it it hurts me and when I start choking for real I actually can't breathe all right. I'll never do again. I don't say it like you're taking away. I am her toys I'm taking away That's the way you feel about it I'll never try to murder you again The kids is that is the tap out so I tap out when he puts these number in my neck You don't tap out and that's why you get fucking show shut up if you

Tap out I swear to God I respect I fucking tap out. Are you kidding me? He doesn't know we're not gonna respect the tap. I would never never respect the tap He does not I'm tapping and I actually say the words tapping Tapping respect the tap. I lose respect the tap. Bobby knows that. Show her right now. Right. No, no, no.

I won't. I won. Show me one of her tits. Week. Yeah. See if she taps out of it. Week by week. Black and full.

Kelly peels off another layer of our friendship and another layer of the fun of Kelly. Really? And then eventually it's going to be left with fucking real Kelly. The fun of Kelly. Stop for one second. The fun of Kelly is that you get to choke her, and she taps out.

It was one of the fun things. So that's fun to you. You understand what a fucking gorilla you are. You are a fucking monster. Do you understand? And he threatens that friendship with that because I don't wanna be choked. I'm talking to a people.

He chokes me and then I'm killing my queen. I will take my friendship away from you. That's right. That's fucking sick of. Why? Because she history a Batman Watch his parachute By Jonas Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck me the way you said I'll never do it again is fucking hilarious It really is like you tried to take her out for dinner and the food wasn't cooked properly

Fine, I'll never do it again. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect She never choke you in front of your peers again I'm not a peo. It was from it was fun of a comedy book You choke your front of a club booker. Oh Patrick Oh the stand yeah that's his manager. How do you think Patrick was gonna start booking you had I not choke you Kelly really. When I hop out I'm tapping out. Wake up and smell the smelling salts because I just choked you out now you I'm scared. That was a bomb. Yeah, it's finally the favorite. Wrap that on your neck until you tap out. Fuck it. Stay. Here we go. That's in Maine now. Oh boy.

Janice Kelly, that was the loudest tap out since Janice in Scotland. Hello. Janice really did tap out of the country You Now now did you have to do the walk of shame through a cobblestone street in the middle of town? He can dance the other the other performers went In high heels because he was doing marisa. Oh, you guys. Y'all are so choked out by a nation. Oh, shit.

This is a great episode. Oh, man. That might have been a good episode. Your theater has one of Joe's tattoos on the front door. Have the circle with the slash through it? Wow, that was worthy. Fuck you. That was a flat tire Yeah, they put a black up at my theater like they do on a bench when somebody dies It was donated by the stand restaurant This is so sad I'm not dumb because here's what yeah, you know I've been through so much it didn't phase me dude. I got a couple good night sleeps pet my dogs talk to Bobby

I'm ready to go. You had you had a great few years you have fucking hustling shit was going down You got a lot of recognition in New York and you started making moves like the festivals you started. You got other opportunities and then now it's over. Hey everyone, this is Kelly for Sturker. Robert Kelly is making his way down to the creek and the cave for seven shows. His long island City debut at the Creek in the Cave, it's starting Sunday, the 25th of August, through to Saturday, the 31st of August. That's seven shows, 7pm at the Creek in the Cave. That's 10.93 Jackson Avenue and Long Island City. One stop out of Manhattan on the 7th train. Creek in the cave. 7 days 7 shows. It's one week at the

creek with their featuring the best comics all over New York City. Robert Kelly will be down there Sunday, 25th to the 31st. Go down, check it out for three. It's his one hour show, Cry Like a Man. It's a small intimate audience. Before you can go see it live at the theater where it will be filmed as a special for the television. 7pm, Creek in the Cave, 25th to 31st August, Robert Kelly, go and support your fucking hammer. Go do it, kid, do it. Yeah, I think I try to do accents and I'm not good at them. I think I try to do accents and I'm not good at them. To make, sometimes, listen to me, sometimes, honestly God, Yannis, sometimes life, we won't change.

We don't see the stop signs. We don't change. And sometimes life has to take shit away from us to make us go down the road we were supposed to go. Because we refuse to fucking make those decisions because we were comfortable without girl or our apartment or the job we had or the money we're making and sometimes it all has to be taken away turned upside down left with nothing and to go down this road that

you were supposed to go down and all the signs were pointing to it but you ignored them you didn't make because you out of fear, or just not knowing what the fuck was going on and being satisfied and in this habit, okay. Now you're on this path. You're on a different path. You've learned so much about a relationship,

about taking care of yourself, about women, about this business, about dating somebody in this business, this shit that can go wrong. And then you learned about women, about this business, about dating somebody in this business, the shit that can go wrong. And then you learned about Edinburgh, you can help somebody else out with that fucking info. The people that listen to this show will understand how it works, but you also came back to good news,

and you got to make decisions that are gonna send you down another path that you wouldn't have went on if you didn't go to fucking Edinburgh. If you went to Edinburgh and had a great time and everything was great You would have went down a fucking totally completely different path that might have not been as good as what you're about to fucking do It was really pointing about that. So good for you. It's a butterfly effect. Good for you because guys like us Like I consider you me Joe all of us on the show a lot of the guys

We're hustlers man. We're hustlers, man. We're scrapers. We're the ones who that fucking make it happen when it's not supposed to happen. We should have gave up 50 times ago, but we refused to because the one thing they can't take away from us is our standup, is our funny. So we can take that anywhere. We can always become better. We can always write new jokes.

We can always show up and kill harder than we did last time. And no industry, no festival, no nothing can take that away from us. You understand? So there's no counting us out. There's never counting us out because we hold the as comics, we're not actors, we're not musicians, we're fucking comedians.

We can always find a club to do our jokes. And so, dude, I'm happy for you. I'm also, yeah, like talking to you, it's also about like figuring out like how, when you, the age rat and what you want in your life to look like, you know, because you spend so much time just focused on the career that you forget to live a life.

And that's how you get burnt out. Like I was burnt out like when I got there too. So, you know, yeah, I mean, you start to live a life and that's how you get burnt out. Right. Like I was burnt out like what I got there too so you know. Yeah I mean start to think about balancing shit. I'm looking at my life right now. I'm selling my dream apartment that I when I moved here and I lived at Billy Burr's place in that fucking shit hole on 97th and Lex and I remember Fitzsimm and Greg Fitzsimmons it uh, it was talking about he owned an apartment. I remember he bought a little shitty whatever a co-op and I was like, that's my dream. I used to, I remember the first time I made money in New York.

I just had to take the train home all the time. I used to have the tokens back then from Boston, com, the all the way up to 97th Street. Hot fucking coal. Oh, it was fucking miserable. I remember the first time I got enough money on a weekend to take a cab home it was like a limo and i remember having my head out the window

looking up at all these buildings going some day i'm going to own one of these apartments some day i'm going to come back to my own place i'm not going to have to sleep on a couch with cockroaches and fucking dude from south african billy burga dude can you fucking turn the tv down dude? I got a fucking audition tomorrow. You know, and I do. I fucking, I came back, I went to LA,

everything fucking fell apart, came back here, drove a cross country with a fucking broad, wanted to be in the woman I fall in love with, through all this fuck, my life fell apart. I almost lost everything with her. I had to reveal what a piece of shit I am. Everything almost went away, and then I got a chance to fix myself. I had to reveal what a piece of shit I am. Everything almost went away. And then I got a chance to fix myself.

I got a chance to realize I need to be a better person or I'm going to be that guy at 50 that shows up at the seller alone with nobody staying in somebody's apartment because I don't have enough money or enough because I was not honest enough on stage to fucking progress in my career. I have the same bullshit act that I had back then. Starbejo. And I went and fucking changed everything. Now I got a fucking place.

I'm selling my dream apart. Why are you selling it? Because I got a baby. I got a fucking... You want some bigger, you want some bigger. I got to get a house. I want a driveway now. My dreams have changed every five years.

When I moved to New York, I wanted a high-rise door, man. I got it. Couldn't afford it, but got it. I was just telling Lewis. How did you get it without a second? That's what I was doing. How did I get it? Because when you think it, when you see it, when you dream it,

and then you get it, you'll make it. That's the secret. That's what I said to my wife. I go, we went from $1,000 rent to $2,200 rent. She was like, what the fuck are you doing? We'll make it. If we have to make $2,200 a month, what I said to my wife, I go, we went from a thousand dollars rent to twenty two hundred dollars rent. She's like, what the fuck are you doing? We'll make it. If we have to make twenty two hundred dollars a month, we will do it.

And we did it for five years. And you bought a place, you own a place. And then I bought a place. And then now I'm selling that place. And I'm going to buy a house. You're going to make money on that too. I'm going to make enough money. I'm not going to make money.

I'm going to make enough money to get a house for my family. You know what I mean? I'm still gonna have to pay a mortgage. I'm not gonna, yeah, but you're gonna make money on sale. I make a little money, dude. You get raped on sales in New York. Believe me, but it's crazy. But, where's it located?

47th. And something? I'm not telling you on the podcast. Oh, it's broadcast. It's a big deal. But listen, it's really listening. 47th and first is much different than 47th and seventh. Yeah, I can't believe it. Well, here's a deal. There's certain, there's listens to the show that are on my street, by the way.

But I don't care about that. But it's, it's these paths that we go down, like you said, you realize that you've changed. You want something else in life. And, and now you're going to get, we get what we want. I really believe that. You get what you fucking want. It's your brain. It's a lot of contraction. You will set up the things that you need to get there, whether unconsciously or consciously, whatever the fuck,

I don't care if you believe it's Jesus Christ. You will get what you want. That's not. But you will get what you want. Now I think that this is great. You went through all this now you have the ability to help somebody else Behind you and you have good stuff coming to you, which is great too, you know, so a good for you. Thanks, Bob

You know, I mean you'll never ever be invited to a festival again, but good for you Now I'm gonna come back. I'm gonna go back and conquer that you should do Melbourne a lot of people do Melbourne first to get ready for Edinburgh Yeah, and not the hate of Melbourne brings you what you need Fed and breath so I'm surprised I always fucking you'll be good. Yeah, come to Melbourne next year. I'm going. Yeah, you'll be going Are you going to Melbourne festival? I'm kind of done with other countries for a little while I've been going every year since I wait and I'm kind of just need a break. I want to just be in America for a while Good for you God bless America, right? All right, anyways, we got we got

We got Devon here. We're gonna take a little break real quick to take a piss Joe always has to pee. I do have to pee I know I want to just do some sponsor stuff. So you guys want to go take pisses and stuff like that feel free Kelly me and Kelly gonna do some sponsor stuff and then I have a surprise for Lewis Jay Gomez. A fan sent something for you. Yeah finally recognition. Excited. Yeah Lewis is getting a lot real. It's my mom's hand. She's alive still. It's holding today's newspaper. My mama. We're not proud of you. Me.

Um. What do we got, Kelly? What do we got to, what are the ads that we have to do? There it is. All right. We'll read that shit to me. Now do something, Kelly. We'll read it.

Okay, so Amazon.com. But, will you chewing gum on it? Jesus. Okay. It's gross. I don't give a shit. It's your tell you chewing gum on it, Jesus. Okay, it's gross. I don't give a shit. It's your germs, I don't like your germs. You came all the way from Australia,

to live your dream, now live a girl. I know, look at that paper. See, look at it, it'll make you suck my fucking thumb. What? Do you want me to do the ads? Okay, so we can go to riotcast.com, forward slash, Robert Kelly, don't go to heaven if you're single.

All right, here's a deal. Let me give you this fucking ad. Can I read the ads forward slash Robert Kelly, don't go to have a fishing go full Here's a deal. Let me give you this fucking ad. Can I read the ads, Bobby? Yeah, please. Yeah, I'm fucking it. Sure, and go. Thanks, Kelly. Look, you don't want Bob here.

You don't want, ah, are some private Robert Kelly. Oh my god. I love Bobby Kelly. Louis just ate my gum from a week ago. That's not even my gum. That was Rob's Princess gum. Oh, he's made a god. Oh, he's made a god.

Real ass Fucking birds fucking with AIDS face I think it's a guy mondonakes a table Lewis It's so flammable by the way I hope I hope you get something from that I don't think you can the germs would died at the desk all i'm not a doctor why am and i will tell you that the germs at this point would have died read the fucking thing guys if you're a fan of the show go to the white it wd page rickass dot com slash white it wd

not it not it not it not it not you why can't i come to us rubber Kelly every i got it i just had it listen to me first of all i want to thank everybody want to pay pal uh... you guys thank you so much for donating to the show. You guys are awesome. Heather Grives, everybody who's donating. I just, he's done for no reason.

Yeah, you did. You did, because you fucked up, okay? We're listed. Here's the deal. We need you to go to our website on Riotcast. I want you to go there. Start, no more promoting YouTube page. No more promoting the videos there.

You promote the video on our homepage. You send people to our homepage. I need you guys to go to riotcast.com slash Robert Kelly and you can listen to the show there. You view the videos from there. I want you to spend some time there because we're trying to get advertisers to advertise on our page. And we can't do that if nobody goes to the page. They go somewhere else. They go to YouTube page. We want people to go to our page on Ryecast. Ryecast slash Robert Kelly.

Go there, look at the videos. Also, there's an Amazon button there. Anything you buy off the internet, anything, whatever the fuck it is, if you can just home bookmark that page and use that Amazon page to buy we make money, okay? We make a lot of money if a lot of you guys do it and there's a lot of people that Listen to the show the numbers are going fucking up and up and up, okay? So go there and use that link Amazon link. It's right on

Okay, so go there and use that link. Amazon link, it's right on rikest.com slash Robert Kelly, you'll see it and Gamefly.com, if you're a video gamer, I know that there's a lot of people. If you did it already, you've already done it. But you can get it, if you like video games, you wanna join Gamefly, go to Gamefly.com slash YKWD, you get a two week free trial, that's free. It's worth 19, $22 or something like that.

I don't know, it's free. It's worth 19, 22 dollars or something like that. I don't know. It's free and you can cancel it any time. So make sure you do that. And also twiekdodio.com is one of our main sponsors. We love these guys. You can go to twiekdodio.com, get many different styles, many different variations of headphones. They're great headphones. They're not bows, but they're inexpensive. Why do you do that every time? Because I want, I don't want people to think that I'm, I'm trying to sell them high-end headphones. I want, let me tell you why I'm doing it. Alright, don't step on my beautiful fucking ad. I'm not stepping on the ad. I- They're inexpensive. They're not cheap. They're inexpensive.

I don't want you to sit here and go, oh, these are, but these are just as good as any headphone You'll get an Apple store for fucking three times the money and headphones. Look at man They're they are what they are they're in the ear headphones and these ones are great They're Mike non-Mike different colors different styles. Well, what I you can I say what I like about them? Go ahead Go ahead when you work out you know when you work out most headphones They sweat in them and they fucking break. These never do that. That's what I want to say.

I want to throw that in there. That's a big help. I don't have to be your parents. Why couldn't it be you? Why couldn't you be still inside your mom when it happened? Is that bad? Too bad? She died of a heroin overdose.

Is she really? Kind of. I think so. You probably would have clawed your way out dude You don't take me down with your adieu chance Punch heroin in face You just suck the heroin out of her arm Snake venom

I'm sorry, that was terrible anyways I'm sorry, that was terrible. Anyways, this is the best part about it. 33% off if you use the code word, dude, when you check out, dude, when you check out, 33% off, and free shipping. Okay, limited time warranty, 33% off, free shipping, right now, and they're already inexpensive. Go to tweakedaudio.com

buy a few buy five pair give them out to friends have them in your bags put them in your car put them all over the place That's what I do. I have a pair in each bag that I have I have a pair downstairs when I listen to my iPad and bed I have a pair for my gym bag that I don't use ever but they're there when I need them So make sure you go to tweakedaudio.com use, use the code word dude, 33% off, free shipping. Anything else, Kelly? No. We got more responses coming soon. I wanna thank, right now, I wanna thank Memo.

Memo. AKA Memo, Guillermo, Aralot, Aralot. What does this fucking say to you that? Let me say, I think it's Jul Juliano, Juliano Ariola. Okay, this, Ariola, that's a fucking nipple. Well, that's what, what does that say, Ro? Do you? Ariola.

Ariola. Okay. All right, listen, here's a deal. Oh, Guillermo. Guillermo. He sent us a bunch of stuff and he sent us something again, dude. You, memo, you're great.

Thank you so much. He sent us this hand carved key holder. Fantastic. It says YKWD and it's pretty amazing. You did a great job. We're going to have it down here in the studio to hang people's keys, I guess, when you come in. Well, tiny tiny jackets. I actually want to put it in my office when I buy a house. You should. So, but it's unbelievable. Thank you. and you also sit something for Lewis that I can't talk about on the air Mark can talk about in there because I listen man

It's illegal to do that so why would anybody do that? Nobody would send me drugs in the mail because I don't do I'm 30 years fucking sober I have a child and a wife and a life and that's illegal. Why would they do that? So it's nobody would do that. Can you hold her? Maybe it's something. It's a hat. But do you understand what I'm saying?

Like nobody should do that. But I mean, somebody did that on this show. Yeah, listen to me. Nobody's gonna do that. And again, nobody will ever do that. So you get a fucking PO box Lewis for yourself. No, I didn't say they did that. Listen, you understand?

I can't, what's going on? Listen, no you don't. Nobody does that. Cause I don't fucking do that. And that's not right. So let's end, but they sent you a hat. Can I have the hat now? You can have the hat in a minute.

Okay, but that's it. But then you can send these stuff. Any type of wood carving is great. Any type of sign. If you guys want to send, if you guys want to send stuff to us individually, please make it legal. Please don't send food or we've learned the lesson here and you can send whatever you want. We won't talk about it anymore No, you can't you no no that's over Because no I have a child and a wife that picks up packages from my thing No, do you understand what I'm saying? I'm gonna go to P.O. Box. Yeah

Yeah, I will I will give out that fucking a hunger shit P.O. Box I'm gonna get a P.O. Box So in the meantime if you want to send something that's a hat or something that's been cut out. Look, if you want to send hats, you want to send anything, drawings, anything you guys do, you want it up in the studio, we have people's drawings, we got a teddy bear, we have now, we have this awesome keel,

we have all kinds of stuff. Straight sign from Flood City, you know what I'm saying? We have all kinds of stuff. You want to send, you didn't make it in fucking Scotland, you loser sign? You want to send, yeah, it's a guilt. You want to send, yeah, you didn't make it in fucking Scotland, you lose your sign. I know it's a not killed. It's a not killed. You can call it a killed all at once. Okay, Scotland. Did you like that one, Joe?

Yeah. So many skirts. You're a bunch of bitches. You didn't get that. I'm not killed. I'm going to address it. 6, 7, 6, 6, 7, 6, 8, 9th Avenue number 424 New York New York 1 0 0 3 6 Uh, that address again 676a 9th Avenue number 424 New York New York 1 0 0 3 6 Yeah, 1 0 0 3 6 Lewis move in so people can get I did move it. No, you did it. I said you stood there. Fuck it. Because he needs to pee and you wouldn't fucking move in Lewis. That's why because you're a fucking asshole. This is a real ass dude.

I don't know what you're doing this to the- I know what you're doing it. Thank you, Row. I love it. Whatever you're doing, it's great. Thank you, Row, for attempting to have energy today, Row. That thing's done. That cardboard cutout is over.

No, it's not, it's great, it's fixed. He was sitting down before, he just- We got him, he's fine. He's got a bad knee. Hey! All right. So those are all the ads. Anything else? I'm not just sure. It's over the end. We have a show. I'm working on right now.

Bum bum. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum This is great. I'm gonna be in the Toronto just for laughs festival. No, that's in That's in November that's on the 7th 8th and 9th. I will be in Toronto for just for laughs Toronto T dot as we say who've been there before in the T dot I love Toronto Toronto's and just just for laughs you want to talk about a festival that does it right great They fucking do it right best Suzanne Robbie Bruce René everybody There's fucking great. No, they just treat you great You you forget that half the battle is with comics if you treat us good if you if you're happy to have us there And you you know, look they don't pay fucking on me. They pay good

They pay enough and they take care of you. And they make it fun. It's a celebration of comedy. It really is. It feels that way. So here it is. I'm gonna be in just for laughs and Toronto. So make sure you get your tickets now to my shows. I'm doing the podcast up there.

So if you fucking loses want to drive up. I'm talking to Kelly and Lewis. Is that on East Coast side or West Coast side? It's right. Yeah, it's right up by Buffalo. I was going to Lewis, you want to go? How many drive up? How's the podcast doing?

Is it growing? Is it getting big, huge? Podcast was the biggest that's been this, ever, this month. You're welcome, the last time. You're welcome. You actually haven't been on in a month. Oh, it's got big. Yeah, I really do want to thank you guys.

I mean, I can't tell you how many people are showing up at the shows now. You know, when I was in Denver, Denver was amazing, by the way. Fucking amazing. What? Podcast fans? The comedy works is, I can't believe this club exists and I've never played it. It was so much fucking fun.

The town, it's like Boston and New Hampshire mixed. You got these fucking, I went trout fishing. I caught the biggest trout with who? The fans I got some dudes these fucking great guys Chris and what the fuck is the other guys? I'm sure great guys can remember his name. What's his name? He's gonna be Matt Odin or David great guy Dennis Cormain they remember his name. I remember Kevin, Evan and Chris.

Evan and Chris. I think. Better than Evan and Rosie just publicly fuck up his name. Well, here's a deal. These guys picked me up at 5'30 in the morning, took me up over the continental divide into this beautiful town on the other side of a mountain. And we were in a river and the second cast in I caught the biggest fish in my life. And a beautiful rainbow trout.

It was amazing. So white shit right there. It was beautiful rainbow trout, it was amazing. So, it was a white shit right there. It was a dude, it is. It's amazing. That's a white after you. You don't have to worry about fucking, you're seeing a black guy on a river. Let me tell you that.

All right. That's a white after you. Unless it's near Mexico and they're trying to cross it. Oh. But Denver comedy works was a, the club was like the seller. That's like supposedly one of the most Comfortable dope clubs in the country, right unbelievable and they said but Atlanta. I just did the Atlanta punchline I felt the same way I loved that spot. I'm actually just booked it. Lanna. They love you the improv punch line

They won't they don't love me because they don't fucking book me. Oh, well, they said they love you Well, they've never booked me they booked me one fucking time and they've never had me back I gotta I gotta work to fucking improv Down there. I'm working the improv down there because you had a pop its weekend You don't even fucking know if it's a good club. You just told me the other clubs the best club I just I had a great time down there to punch. No, they're great people I yeah, but they don't fucking book me. I bet you that's my managers. I bet you my agent. I got a time She said great things about you. I say great things about her

It was like you're the great like the one of the greatest guys and I was like I am I'm also one of the don't forget funny. Yeah, that I literally fucking destroy My comedy is on another level by the way you and Joe should go sit down and fucking just be sensitive Funny no, you're funny. I would like that. I would like that We should find a rock in a park after the show I Don't A kind of weird slip back do you have going on with your hair right now? Make me as comfortable this fucking these headphones

You're gonna get a push that don't fuck with my hair my hair is really nice. Your hair needs to be pushed forward Not bad. Joe. Push forward. What are you crazy? What am I Nate? I hear first. I mean does have dynamite. Yeah, it does he is I got dynamite hair and these headphones are fucking with it doesn't like it doesn't make look like the handsome miss retarded kid Like he'd be the kid at the dance. We like nicks over there Yeah, Nate does miss kid with the syndrome He would be the leader of the house with the retard people. Even the guy that dig taughty three people at the front.

Like the new employees, hello, I'm Nate. Come on in, I just mean, ma'am, he, his face has like a touch of the downs. Yeah. Now he goes, hey, I'm Nate. Can you ever stop? You know, he always get yelled at Nate, but you had on right, I'm sorry.

He always has it on like a retard. We mean fucking soda called him and trashed him the other day because his fucking little whatever development maybe thing he's got going on. Oh, it's huge. Yeah, we were like, dude, stop walking like you signed the contract. He walks into rooms now like he just had a

100th episode cake. Fuck it. Was he like, that's cool because I was just meeting with Jimmy. Yeah, fuck a Jimmy. I can't wait's cool because I was just meeting with Jimmy. Yeah, fuck it Jimmy I can't wait till Jimmy gets drunk and finds another young buck when he finds out Nate dies his hair Jesus fuck Nate in his dream while we're at it. Uh-huh Lewis is parrots the whole thing Yeah,

choke Kelly. Let's kill her. I'm already dead inside. Maybe it's fun. So we got this Devon, my friend, my friend I just met today. And I'll tell you what's in it. He brought some food for you. Well, here's it. I brought a lot of food for you. We can't eat the food here because we had an incident because of the fucking pizza party podcast we had. Yeah. The somebody didn't clean the fucking room up correctly. Do you know who it was?

Yeah, I know who it was. It's either it's either or two people and they both have vaginas. Couldn't be me because I was clean the room. I didn't even have a vagina. I didn't have a slice. Yeah, yours. A place where no one's gonna sell it. Yeah, it's called Bobby's mouth

First of all you don't have Six what she has is not called the vagina. It's called an asshole vagina. They're connected. It's called the koala George Charlie's over the table as if he's like what I asked you John. What is that? He's on aspicy that's it Yeah, it's this aspicy that's what I try to tell you We know this this would have gotten the people in the Honey bar Oh, yeah, why I don't like I don't like you like any any more everyone he tried to fucking have a singing career Why

You gotta pick a fucking career path. Yeah character guy. Well, you're an angry political guy Listen go. He loves to be all the time. If you went to end it, just laugh. OK? I'll try to give it all the fun. People here get paid to do that. You get paid to use to be a chef, OK? Yeah. Just playing the hits, you honest.

There's no rules. I just shittin' on a guy I don't know. No rules. No rules. Yeah, I get a chef's welcome don't know. No rules. No rules. No rules. I love it. Yeah, I get a chef's welcome to the party. A tape of mind to your manager. No.

But hey, at least- The best part about having that management, if your career does fall, at least you have a nice job, waiting tables. Oh, man. Janice, I put you on the lunch shift on Monday because you said you needed money. When do I shout? Oh, Janice. No rules. Yeah, Denver was fucking amazing. Beautiful. I love it. Great club. I don't want them. Devin. Devin. I'm moving over

him. But here's the problem. While I was in Denver, you got to understand I'm struggling my fucking from I am not I get so much shit and I hate when people say this on the internet you're gonna die I don't want you to have a heart of your son is gonna be fatherless it really bothers me when people say shit like that because I'm not I'm not I don't have died look at they compared me to Patrice. Patrice had diabetes. Patrice had sicknesses from weight for years. I'm not, I don't have, my heart is okay. I've been checked out.

I am fat, I'm heavy, okay? I am, yes, I would say I'm obese. I gain weight in the last two years. I quit smoking, I had a baby, I let myself go. I've done it before. But I'm smoking, I had a baby, I let myself go, I've done it before. But I don't have diabetes, I don't have diseases from it, I know that this is stuff that could happen, I get that that's not, I'm not using it as an excuse,

but I'm not dying, okay? I'm not gonna have a heart attack. These people just fucking, but I understand this. I need to lose weight and I'm struggling with it. I went to Denver, Billy Burzman helped me out a lot too. I mean, he's been really fucking helping me with, you know, little even text message, dude,

and really early in the morning. This funny, I woke up dreaming of steak and cheeses in Denver, you know, seriously, I went to Whole Foods, the second I got there and bought all this food, peaches and yogurt, Greek yogurt, all this, I even got cereal, healthy cereal and stuff like that, because I can't do this no carb, don't eat fucking anything, just eat, you know, I can't do that. All right, I need to learn how to eat correctly. And, uh... Those foods are delicious, by the way,

once you adapt to them. Once you adapt to them, and then, what happened? I woke up and I wanted to take a cheese and I got a text from Billy, make sure you eat right. I wound up having yogurt and some granola with a peach, and it was fucking great. But it's still the last night I was there. I was all alone, there was only a diner open,

I ran out of food, and I was fucked, and I go alone. There was only a diner open, I ran out of food, and I was fucked, and I go to a restaurant, and here's the problem, I can afford all my life coming up in comedy. The reason why I never got so fat is because I couldn't afford it. I couldn't go, I couldn't go get what's that? I wanted to give this a soundtrack.

Oh. So I couldn't afford it. But now I go to the diner I can get whatever I want. So... No, no, no, I want to let him go with this. So I'm sitting there alone in the diner. And I had a notebook and a pen and a menu. And then all of a sudden, man, I opened up that friggin menu.

And I saw that mac and cheese with pork. And I never saw that before. I never saw pork before I never saw a pork eating magazine and then I I saw that those tacos you can mix them up combination any way you want them I was like that's like a good combo maybe I'll try that then I said you know what later tonight I'm gonna be up all night I might as well get something else to go so I go this is horrible I got something to go I'm very against this yeah me too because it's food and no one can recognize this guy's of eating fucking addiction I'm like this is hilarious if

you were talking about heroin you're like let me put some silly music on you know what's so funny the biggest piece of shit so real today no rules so Devon I love you man here's our about here's Devon Devon explain to people what you do besides besides laugh at fucking yannis's career Two people I went to see I went to the CIA I went to the culinary incident of America I thought you went to the American CIA Are you working with the CIA am I too fat for the government? No, I was a bug on my body I was was a, I was a, I was a professional chef for ten years. You a professional chef for ten years.

Why'd you give it up, man? You can invest your own business as fucking awful. Tell me about it. My manager's not all about that. Right guys. Right guys. I might have worked for him. That's possible.

Not as terrible as the honest poppies business. So I'm not gonna laugh at that, Janice. Yeah, I'm fucking watching you, Kelly. Not as terrible as the honest poppies business I'm not gonna laugh at that y'all yeah, yeah, I'm fucking watching you She's an asshole. I am watching you. So this this was my second. This is my second fact This is my second. I'm on my sixth. Okay. Well, here's the thing. Okay, if you Keep going back and forth. That means you're not supposed to be like this. You're not supposed to I'm supposed to be thin You're supposed to be thin or it means that you're not supposed to be like this. You're not supposed to. I'm supposed to be thin. You're supposed to be thin. Or it means that you're not supposed to be thin. It's the same exact logic. It could mean you just have to know. No, no, it doesn't. No, nobody's supposed to be obese. I'm not supposed to. As a kid. As a kid. How

were you? Hang on one second. Fucking you dumb. Go ahead. As a kid. What was your word? You were. He was a foster child, right? no. I wasn't a foster child. I had a family. I just couldn't live with them because Paying attention he's asking about his size. You're like oh, I got this. I got this I got this is parents can I have a coke zero? Can you stop drinking all them? Don't have a party. Have a water have a literally drink all of them. They're tiny. They're 7.5 ounces I want to hear this dumb curious. Devin, Devin. Alright, please Devin. How, how, how were you as a kid? How was I as a kid? My first fat was in six grade. He'd fuck you first, take. Yeah, you suck the guys dick first, dig right? Guys, settle down.

Can we just get the information? I have a son. Yeah, I'm kidding. So you're not supposed to be like this. We heard you. Yeah. I'm kidding. You want me to help you? I'm really happy with that point. He's really happy with that point.

I get it. I get it. You're not supposed to be a fabulous guy. I'm not supposed to fit in his chair better. I just get it. It's good to hunting bit like that. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. I'm not supposed to be a copy. I'm not supposed to not, I'm not supposed to, I'm supposed to fit in his chair better. I just get it. It's good to hunting bit like that. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Nobody's supposed to be a... It's just real good.

Nobody's supposed to be a... Alright, listen. I'm gonna show you a picture. Alright, this was me in about January. January of last year. That's me on the end. Yeah, I know you're not David Telly. One of the... I know you're not David Telly. I know you're not

David Telly, oh the good looking guy. That's fine. Now you take that. How much white was it all together? Wow. Fat fuck. I was I was I was I was I was a little over two 15. Wow. Two 15. How I had this morning. I was 1688 Wow I've lost almost 50 pounds now you sure you don't have like cancer I went and check you're portly here man. Yeah tell me about it. Yeah, yeah Okay, so you were a chef for years though. Yeah, and a lot of chefs are fat like that So you're not you're not even you're not even obese in that you know, I got I got fat because I was a dad and I let myself Okay me what happens to me? Yeah, I have a five year old you have a five year old okay a single dad with a five year old single dad what happened to your wife

uh... later we weren't married and it just didn't work out well she put a regan no she white yes we were she in New York it's so rare that you hear of two white people doing something wrong. We almost always nail it. So you guys, so that's where I've shared custody. You have shared custody. So she stay, he's the daughter of a son. A son.

A son stays with you and her. Yeah. Okay, that's good. Yeah, that's great. From Thursday till Sunday, I have him every week. Okay. Who scrolled through his photos? That's fine. Yeah, but it's great from uh... from thursday till sunday i have him every week except who scrolled through his photos it but it's not fine

i'm not a fact you should show people that picture that's that's me when i just started yeah that's you you you do you do you just i'm curious let's get to so i i've actually done this for where i invented a diet are you invented one i have a guy invented a diet that diet. That's never happened before by the way. This is the first time I've ever, this is the second diet I've invented. Okay, I've done a 50 pound thing once before. He's a chef, he's a website designer and an inventor.

Let's let's let's and a single dad. He's gonna help Bob. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. This is the honest is probably his career. Doesn't have focus. You guys focus on here we are. Here we are. There's one to me. I wanna explain to you guys. I wanna explain to you guys. Seriously, I want you to explain to you guys that this, where I'm at in my life right now, I understand that I need to lose weight. I get it.

I'm gonna fucking tragic situation because of the, my life has changed so much and you know from having a baby and Lewis would know if he took care of his baby at all Thank God you married a fucking white chick and she does it for you. She's afraid to get in shoked out. I got to go Tap out. I respect the tap. I can't take care of them. You hold the baby. I only say good night and good morning I hold him when he's happy when he cries. I put him down. Let's change his name to George Sapeier.

I am getting him a tattoo and an earring. So You know, it's fun like you know today. I mean just being up the hours that I'm up Or the kid and the stress and all the stuff and the work. Now I really got a fucking on the road right now because you know, the things that I had going on fell through and now I gotta find something else. But here's the thing, it's like today, I ordered lunch. I should turn that off.

I should turn that off. Stop. Sorry. I got a big one as a cheese. The fact that he has that on just his iTunes fucking kills me. I guarantee you listen to that 18th time on the fucking plate right off me. I guarantee that was his intro music when he came out the last time. So it's really fucking hard man, it's killing me this time.

I've been able to do it before and now it's really killing me So you're gonna help me and hopefully all the fatties that Not only am I gonna help you I actually have a trainer who I work with who is going to work with you Yeah, but I can't afford fucking trainers right now. Let's let's I got a kid you know what? Let's just worry about that later No, let's get me out of the fucking 18 hundred no no no no no let's worry about that now no no no no no There's a book you were fucking Oprah just now He was like and I got a trainer for you that you're gonna pay 80 no fucking shredded black guy comes out of the bathroom Just a onesie

I got we have I it's it's a book okay. I don't want to read no no no no I have no you're gonna do this mark. You're gonna help write it. No, you eat the book. I'm gonna write a book and it's called the daddy diet I'm gonna out what yep. I talked to me. What are you saying to me right now? I'm saying you I'm saying that I'm gonna help you and what I think you I think you should be this person that should be the spokesperson Something that's also you know I am okay. I like Devon man. All right I think you should be this person that should be the spokesperson for something. That's awesome. You know I have a big, skinny pig. I like Devon, man.

All right. So you like him now. I always like it. There's not laughing at your face. I enjoyed that. He's having a fucking time in his life. Okay. So you have a trainer.

I like this. And he's going to work with me. Yes. Okay. When? Well, we just after this, we'll set it up. All right. So what is your, what do I need to do?

What is my problem? So, my problem is, is that I've heard you talk about health before. And the problem is, is that the things you've been talking about are not sustainable for your life, for like going on the road or whatever. You just need to learn to eat different things, and it doesn't mean you have to cut out fucking everything

Right it doesn't mean that it just means you have to eat properly in a better way like look Do I do I eat burgers? Yes, I do you do fuck yeah when like how do you eat a burger and Not fuckers to ball you don't have fries no, I don't have fries So you got to cut the fries in the beginning. I didn't have fries in the beginning. Yeah song So you got to cut the beginning I didn't have right in the beginning. Yeah song At this point I actually have to stop myself from losing weight because I actually went past my goal Right, are you sure it's not AIDS? Yes, I'm sure okay. He shredded man. So let's not get carried away Well, I'll take my shirt off right now. How is this take it off? How do you want to do this? Yeah? Take it off. I don't want to see this

Yeah, I want to see what you did. Oh Kelly What did you do? Oh, yeah? Oh? Here let me see your shirt six back and get video you I was gonna fucking throw a shirt at the second fucking dumb row is just staring at his body What's wrong with you? It's like I need to get a NYU to staring at his body. Like, what's wrong with you? She's like, I need to get a NYU tomorrow. Do you get a room?

Everybody touches stomach. Come on, Lewis. Can we show you your muscles on your arms? He's got Irish gang tattoos. Look at that, look at his arms. He's got Irish gang tattoos too. You're like a fighter. All right, he's sweating.

He's clammy. I don't like that though. You're a fuck dude. Yeah, shake it. Can we turn the AC off? Is that what happened? Do you pay nine? You know, look, he's got good abs.

He's got these. He's got a nice ass too. You guys don't have the view view I got about loving the pecs Or traps, but we'll talk about that that's chat. That's the second version of the book hang on settle down I'm fucking talking The only podcast we get to see a dude strip What do you want me? I want Kelly to show me your tent. I started out. No, you don't start it out benching only like I don't know 70 80 pounds tops down down doing 185

So I'm getting there. So you're saying it's like okay, so everyone's different. He needs to mold He's like you need to mold your life. You need to mold your diet to your life. Okay, so my life is this all right ready? Yeah I like his inability to start sentences. I I like his inability to start sentences. I, I have hot burns and headaches. I have hot burns all the time. Okay, all the time. And here, like I'll go on the road Thursday, I gotta wake up in the fucking crack,

a fuck get to the airport, I'm starving. Okay. There's nothing to eat except fucking horse shit. What do I do? Where are you coming from? My house. You coming from your house? Yeah.

Well, can you, you can easily get some oatmeal anywhere? So I should eat before I leave. Or you can, you're, when you get there, you can get oatmeal in the bread, the air. Where, where, what, where do you get oatmeal at fucking Newark air? I've been there a million times. I've been there a million times. John but Juice has. John but Juice.

John but Juice has oatmeal. You get oatmeal on the, every Starbucks has oatmeal. every Starbucks has oatmeal every time I'm on the bus. Yeah, all right relax so apparently that's all fucking all jumped out my throat and you can get eggs to give you a little brown sugar with the oatmeal. Okay, so I can all right so I have oatmeal when I get to the airport okay now okay I get to the the club and I'm in the hotel and it's fucking second show Friday there's nothing to eat i don't have anything the places close the only place of a's a pizza place what do i do

okay so hopefully they have anything holy a whole week by no no they have a whole week by and supplement i now they don't have a whole week by so they've got what do i eat that's too good any any any sort of they all you know what they're't have holy pies. They've got what do I eat? Let's do what I grow. Any sort of, they, oh, you know what they're gonna have?

They're gonna, what do you like it or not? They're gonna have, they're gonna have a salad. They're gonna have a salad with like, you know, olives and peppers and chicken. They're gonna have one with Italian dressing. Devin can ask you this though. Yes. Would he be, wouldn't he just eat the pizza

and then just know the next day he's gonna work harder? No, no. No. No. No. No. That's my day. If you know how many hours it takes you in the gym for just two slides to pizza, that's what, like, 657 under calories. Something like that. You're talking about one in five miles, six miles to get to 350 calories.

So, that's all that's all about it. You got it. There's all created rules. It's really simple. Give me some of these rules. Okay, so I found out that I was lactose intolerant. Right, you're gay. So's really simple. Give me some of these rules. Okay, so I found out that I was lactose intolerant. Right. You're gay. So you're gay. Yeah. At least you're stuck with kids. Yeah. And and I found out I had high cholesterol. So he just drinks milk and eggs all day. Yeah.

Just shits everywhere. So you have high cholesterol. All right. Okay. So you had it. Had it. Now, and you- 240. Okay. Fuck. So now, so talk to me. So what's the rules? Tell me some rules. For the first, for the first three months, no dairy. That's right. What, no cream? Nope.

Nope. Nope. No milk. No milk. That's what it's for. That's what it's for. How am I supposed to have milk? Soymilk.

All right, so I should make sure. All men milk is better than real milk anyway. Yeah, it's better than real milk. It's fucking delicious. It's fucking delicious. Yeah, it's better than real milk anyway. You have a lot of time with I'm in milk. It's like nutty. It's beautiful.

It's better than, so if you get a little vanilla, forget about it. If you have a bottle. If you have carbs, have them earlier in the day. Okay, one second. Okay. My wife and kid need me for one second. So, keep on telling me, I'm here and this is good. Okay.

Everything you're saying is right, but I'm so waiting for the part of the diet that you invented, Devon. This is all common knowledge. Actually, come on. He's putting all the rules. He's putting all the rules. Can you not tear this fuck down? He's the only one in this room that's fucking tried to help me.

He comes to law house. This is how we play. This is how we do things. We treat everybody like shit. You tried to help me for fucking two days and you let me die I Haven't seen I as soon as I fight you mother fuck you As soon as I helped you and you have my apartment you ever call me since you fucking kid me

I'll never call me. Oh, dude. You want to work out tomorrow Bob? I don't yeah, let me I'm Be real heavyweight This is the best look at a Flussed Mike You want to work at tomorrow? What? Are you kidding me Robert Kelly a New York sports club gym membership? I got one

I but let's work out together. That's what I'm on 49th straight. Okay know I have for you is. Oh great. I'm on 49th straight. Okay. Well, he's a I listen to me. Louis more rules. So here's a deal. The reason why I stopped work and you this one Lewis does. He shows up first day on time. Everything's great. Second day, two minutes late, third day, ten minutes late, the fourth day, it's a half hour. That's how true. Yeah, it is. That's how true. And then the fifth day, but the first 20 to 30 minutes is fucking just warming up doing cardio. So I'm doing it. So I'm doing it.

Wait a second, wait a second. Wait a second, wait a second. And I'm warming up on my own. I'll shut you a fucking mic off. Wait a second, you just said it's not true, but then you give an excuse why it is. No you said you said it ascended like that. Like it was 30 minutes and then the last day I never saw.

It's the fuck, you're exaggerating what happened. Yeah, it was like two days and I was 15. That's what you do. When you tell stories you exactly Joe list mics off You know fucking matter You're on order you're on order This is how fucking podcast is out on this rules Mother fucker and the rule is you don't talk over the dude

Bobby which by the way also I am not just talking about is I've worked in the fitness industry for a number of years So I know what you call defend isn't Yeah, I'm gonna throw stuff that you, prison is in the fidget. Fucking idiot. I wanna hear more about this diet, man. So let's go back. Go ahead.

Yes, rule number three. Rule number one. Rule number one, no dairy. No dairy, rule number juice. I'm gonna get almost, no. No, go ahead. Avoid as much as you can, I usually go no soy. Well you just told me to have soy.

No, I know know I prefer almond milk But if you are in a pinch, you'll so it's a it's a it has extra gin. It has it has estrogen though I don't want tits do exactly right, but yo almond milk is the best Any of the milk is the somebody just listening to show you your Exactly What that's better this way I go what that's better this way When you're trying to silence a little There she was actually that wasn't me. That was the podcast gods

Sorry, so no so no milk mark Maran turners Michael now you know that's very difficult So you tell him he can't have a piece of pizza ever for the first I didn't I'm look listen I'm fine with that. Yeah, I've enjoyed my life. Look, it's, look, and then also, and then I want to know rule number three. First of all, low, low car, but not no car, because if you want to work out, you have to be able to have energy.

And you can't live your life not eating fucking cars. I'm stupid. Now tell me low carbs to you. Early in the day, he said. Okay, so you, you have a have a turkey. Do it without stuttering because nobody likes stuttering. All right. Do you stutter?

No. Okay. Don't start. No, he's going. You I don't like that. Nobody likes that. Have a minute. Put a minute.

He's making me nervous. They like that one. Joe. There's a fucking rock. There you go. I want you to call up fucking. So have a turkey sandwich for lunch with avocado and pepper. I want Joe there's a fucking rock sale. Hey, I want you to call up fucking you. You can try. So have a turkey sandwich for lunch with avocado and pepper.

No chips. You know, if you can have, you can have some pita chips. Okay. You can have some pretzels. Okay. You can have those things. Okay. Rule number four.

Rule number four is, I know this one is probably gonna suck. I mean, I did it for me. I don't know what your cholesterol is like, but I cut out red meat. No red meat, I cut it out. Okay. But I think if you don't have high cholesterol, you could keep it in.

Okay, so rule number five, is that? Is horse shit for me? For you, so your cholesterol is down. So what's a new rule number five? Everything pops down. Don't be a fat beast. That's what's gonna. All right, so what oh now you brought this food Kelly low cholesterol and low cholesterol Kelly get this food out or Can you pass the food over to Kelly Joe? I'll tell you what everything is in there. We're gonna go through this food because you're a chef

This is the key to you. Yes now Lewis and because I'm a dad Pass it over this is all food that can be made easily and quickly Okay, because you don't have fucking time. He's a comic too. I'm a comic and a cop You don't have time as a dad to waste in like an hour and a half in the kitchen making goddamn food We got now here's the deal. Okay. I'm gonna. I'm gonna go through this food here. Okay, all right Let me see that get out of the fat bastard. By the way, how is this a theme for the show directly after the no more food in the studio show?

No, that will Kelly. That's why we're not eating in the studio. Yeah, it's wrapped up. It's wrapped it up. I told Kelly was like, I'm bringing a chef in. He's gonna have food for you. We're all gonna eat. I'm like, what is that?

You hear that? Kelly, you've been working out. You look good. I think I heard that. I'm like, what is that? You hear that? Kelly, you've been working out, you look good. What is that noise? I hear that, look nice. What is that noise? A hissing. That's an echo.

From what? No. No. What the fuck is that? Turn. Oh, there's a hiss going on in here. I got it, I got it. Okay, everybody got it.

You got better everybody? Was that microphone popped on? Okay, here's the deal. So this is why, I know Lewis is going, look, Lewis, I know in your head, you're like, I know how to work out, I know what the fuck's going. I'm saying the same thing on my head. Everybody has their own little way to lose weight.

I get that. But the thing that I'm interested in right now, for you is you're a chef. So I wanna talk about this food that you made. This is the hard part for me. I like to eat. I am a foodie. I love restaurants.

I love good restaurants. What do you think I am? You're a next-fac- guy. I'm a sexual woman. We've got a clock stocking a dick. Now you're a single dad. I'm kidding. There's a lot of comedians in this room.

Just be careful with the open-ended questions. What do I look like to you guys? think I want crappy food, okay? No, man food listen now. I'm a threatening you crappy food, okay, no, I'm not threatening you. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm kidding. So here we are. Okay, let's talk about this dish. That that is the that is one of my cornerstones. That is the super dad salad. Super dad salad. Yeah, it actually I packed the dressing separately. Oh good. I'm gonna tell you right now. Yeah, this is what is in what is in this? Well also keep in mind that everything's been sitting for a while. It smells unbelievable. Okay, so that that's the super dad salad. No, that incorporates seven of the healthiest foods on the planet. I can smell it from here. It smells awesome. Oh yeah. So what that is is red peppers, julienne, which are for have vitamin C Vitamin C and antioxidants, okay spinach, which have lots of antioxidants Bobbi, unbelievable

grilled chicken How do I make this? It's easy No, the only thing in there that is cooked Yeah is the chicken Now you can dump all that shit Take it 10, you could buy, you could go to Whole Foods

You can buy julienne peppers Throw it right in there Why is there a sauce in here? There isn't, it's just some water because it in. Why is there a sauce in here? There isn't. It's just some water because it's been sitting in there for a while. Could you put hot chicken in it? A little bit. I had, I had known certain time.

Right. So I can eat this without dying? Yes. Of course. But put the dressing on, which has, which is olive oil, fresh garlic, lemon zest, and lemon juice. What, pal. All those things healthy. You could literally have this all day. Every day, all day.

Every day. You could have a tub full of this, and you will still do as a. You will still do as a. All day long. So what else is there? We didn't finish. Spinach, peppers, spinach, tomatoes, grape tomatoes,

because they're the sweetest and the most delicious. Red peppers, lemon zest, lemon juice, fresh garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. That's, okay. Now what? Let's go to the second dish. That is a delicious. Is that a clam?

That is a clam. Really, you have clams in here. Hell fucking, you know this? Give me this, oh man. Hell yeah, I made all this. First of all, Kelly has no food in her house. She's fucking looking at this like, hello, right?

I mean, I'm part of the show too. I like to get, I know that it's your show, but can I get some clams? So what that is, is it's a clam and and dewey stew. Really? Sausage. Yeah. But made with chicken and dewey. So it's Sausage. Yeah. But made with chicken chicken and dewey. So it's chicken and clam. So it's fish and chicken. Yes. Two fucking enemies of the world. Surf and turd. Made with made with made with white with I used white cooking wine because I don't know if you're allowed.

It burns off. Yeah burns off. But I just I didn't know. So I just I just incade this is my drug right here. This is what I have to worry about. Okay, so made with fresh tomatoes. Yeah basil. Yeah, it's all about But it's like maybe like there's maybe like six ingredients in there sprinkle So this is I but this looks hard to make it's not hard like six ingredients It's only like six ingredients. What's that called the super dead sausage? No, I haven't I've been I've been named like Oh, these yeah, this is the only one that's the super dad's out super. I like the name, dude I like I like that get shit to fuck down

Bobby you really want to see he's like a fucking adopted dog. You got it the fucking pal Bobby I want to see what's going on He's only good around you and your girlfriend. Right, everybody else, he's a fucking man. That's actually extra, that's actually extra fresh pineapple salsa. Okay. But I have here, this is seared tuna with pineapple salsa. Oh my god.

Seared tuna. Now how? Okay, so now I have this, okay, I bring this home. How long can I keep this? Do I have to eat all this tonight? No. Huh? You can keep the, but why would you cook all of it one day?

But what I'm saying is like I'm gonna bring this home Bobby's looking if this is a good food. No, I have a question I have a serious fuck. I have a yes Can you answer my seriously question? Yes, because my name's first pineapple sauce actually gets better in Yeah, all right, so this right here. I can eat this tomorrow for lunch sure okay okay okay absolutely here's my serious question yes yes what is it? I'm glad what is it? good much serious question my serious question is how much would it help Bobby to lose weight if he learned how to cook like he learned how to cook this shit I know how to cook so why don't you get the recipes and that's what we're gonna do

But I think we're fucking do it. Forget just the rest of you. I thought you're just gonna cook for him I'm not sure I will do some of that. I will do some of that. He's telling me what's in this like this is what I will do some of that What I will cook for you really fuck yeah, you'll come to the house. Yes, so you come to the house and do a little video Yeah, we'll do a little video of how to, I want to know. What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is?

What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is?

What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is? What love is?, love you. All right, so what is it, Seared Tuna? Seared Tuna is literally just salt and pepper and some Cajun seasoning.

Seared in a pan for literally maybe 30 seconds on each side. And then what do I do with it? I put it in what? No, you just put it on a plate and then you can actually, you can even buy pineapple salsa from Whole Foods, which you're, which you're, well, you know, with the salad, you know. That's right.

Now, what do we got? What's this last thing that we have? What do we got here? That is a sauteed tilapia filet with wild mushrooms. See what? See what? No way that this can stay good. I love tilapia.

If you put it in the fridge, it'll stay the more. To it's a moral. So I gotta eat all this tomorrow. So now I'm fat again. No, you're not. This is all, first of all, you realize that even though I have told you that you can, none of this has carbs. None of it. Do you literally eat this all for one meal and it really made much of a difference?

Really? Yeah. All this food I could eat, I won't recommend it. I could go out tonight and have this tilapia and some of that fucking stuff. Fuck yeah. But if you're here, here's the truth. When I lost all my weight, when I lost fucking 65 pounds, 70 pounds in the course of six months, I was eating probably 4500 calories a day.

Really? But it was all the right shit. but it was all that and the thing is look The other thing is is I'd realize that you said that food is an addiction. Yes, I get it But now you got a baby. Yeah, I got a transfer of those feelings to your baby. Here's what happened to me my knee here, started My knee I'm gonna have this tonight. I wish that's delicious. I want to fucking bite of that right now Well, we don't we don't have a microwave and we don't have forks and I just turn it off and we'll tell it didn't Just eat here a little bit This podcast has no rules, Brady. Let's just keep it going We're gonna talk about each everybody's dead parents, but we're not gonna eat

Folks, we're gonna talk about everybody's dead parents, but we're not gonna eat this studio. That a weird rule. We're gonna be back in one minute. I need a toothpick. Dude, I'm starving right now. That was a cool bathroom break. I'm gonna throw this a great little bathroom break. She pull is pretty healthy, right? Yeah, I'm chicken tomatoes.

Anyways, so somebody said Lewis a hat in the mail. A hat? What's that? Hold on. It's a hat. Ooh. Shit, man. It's crazy.

This hat smells. That hat looks like there's a crazy. I had a fat breeze my apartment because I took this hat out. We can't say what it is. We can't say? No, because no one should have ever sent anything illegal through the mail to the YKWD thing to people. You can send hats like Lewis got you can send a hat right you can send pot

regular shit wow that's a fucking potent hat yeah wow okay that's both same state here's your hat you should thank memo for your hat memo you are my nigger yeah and now yeah he's put a wreaking it's great So why don't you? Close that dude. I don't want it in here either you fucking Oh, is that gonna be the problem that fucking uh They have everything is

Anyways, it smells like a party just happened. No rules. We broke all the rules. I got the munchies. Someone make me a super dad salad. Sorry, we don't have people. I tell you what though, that super dad salad looks like it'd be awesome. It looks like it would be delicious. What would you think about that super dad?

It looks like it'd be awesome. It looks like it would be delicious. What would you think about that, Superdance? I thought that looks like it's in your teeth. Yeah. That Superdance talent was simple and delicious. What do you mean was? You think it was. I think it was simple and delicious. That tuna, the tuna with the mango? How do we eat that tuna with the mango?

I would think that that probably took the proverbial cake. Oh my God. We tell you what the tuna's like. It was just beautiful tuna. So I'd say it in this unbelievable. Oh my god. Tell him what the tune is like. It was just beautiful tuna. So I'd say it in this unbelievable. After you ate it, tell me what it's like. Oh, I will, sorry. I mean, yes.

Yes. Okay, so here's a deal. I'm a fat fuck. My problem is is that food right now happens to me my addiction. I'm an addict. I'm a recovering addict of all kinds of shit. Yeah, that's what I think we were sort of skipping over

with all these diets. That's why we weren't addressing. I'm bringing it back up because a lot of... You're going to meetings. A lot of people, well, I should be. You're right. There's a problem with the reasoning in that, in the sense that I realize you think you're a dick

but unlike your other stuff, unlike your other stuff, food is the only thing that you have to eat. You can't, you don't need alcohol, you don't need drugs, you don't need any of that shit, you don't need gambling, but food. You can't survive if you don't have. Let me, let me, let me, Bob, I actually, I never even heard of anybody going to a rehab for food,

but as you said that, I don't even think that's that crazy, because when I lost weight, a lot of the reason that I was able to keep on going was that everybody around me was so fucking impressed that I was doing it. It was constant gratification. Comics, we look for gratification all the time. So every day somebody was like, Some of us with our jokes. Thank you. Sorry, guys.

Say my jokes aren't good. Just go. I just go Saying just they just just interrupted a poignant moment. That wasn't I really have them I have a friend of mine. I'm sorry. I believe vanilla wasn't playing. I didn't know That gratification was what kept me going for so long. And then once I stopped getting the gratification, after a couple of years people weren't, they weren't as impressed with the fact that I was losing weight. I stopped, it stopped being a thing that it was important to me as much.

Joseph, who are you? What I'm saying? I do. But you know, I think that support system might actually work. A friend of mine goes to, I've over it is anonymous and he actually is beautiful. He's like a great body. But he had to go because he's just sugar, canibass, biscuits, chicken, and... Well, he saw you naked. And then he goes, I gotta go.

It's about food you're eating. It's not a street food addiction. It's what you eat. It's not just street food. Well, he just realized he was so bad and that's how he's been able to keep his weight on the check. He just goes to eating.

Look, man, I think that it's a decision, you know what I mean? I need to make that decision and I'm about at my bottom with this. You know, and it fucking kills me too. Everybody I see, I believe in you man. Everybody I see everybody that, you know, it's like, dude, I'm worried about you. It's like, okay, I get it. You know what I mean? It makes me worse. It doesn't make it worse. It makes me want to eat because it makes me sad that people are literally just like, I know people, my friends,

look, I know people I know, and you're fat. You see how big Bob got, I know that all the shit's gone. I've been through it before. But it's my fault. It's not their fault. It's my fault. But I need to, it's the food.

It's not the working out. it's not the going to the fucking gym, it's, I need to not eat shit all the time. You know, the other night, this , this, explain what happened, I go to a diner and I sit down and I ordered, fah, you know, which is, you know, noodles and meat and, and, and it's like a soup. Oh, I know for. Okay, far, far. Sorry, okay, don't be white. And then I order, but before that, I see the mac and cheese. It says a mini mac and cheese. And I was like, oh, let me get that.

I don't need that, but I just, I could not get it because I could get it. And I wanted to try it. And then I was like, let me get these tacos for later. Because I'm going to be up late all night. Because I have an early flight and one of my other's normal. It's just, it's like, I could have went home and had a peach. I had two peaches in the fridge and granola and yogurt with honey. I could have had this far and then later that night,

or when I woke up to go to the airport, I could have had a fucking nice bowl of yogurt with granola. It's like, my brain is fucked. It thinks this party atmosphere is, thinks this, you know, this, the way I used to think when I used to do drugs. Excitement, excitement, excitement. I get excited with the mac and cheese.

I get excited with the tacos. It's like pussy or drugs or whatever the party, it doesn't end. I don't get excited with yogurt and peaches. It's a waste satir party And That's what I have to correct and when Joe brings it up. It is an addiction It is it is something that I need to probably go to a meeting for and I'm afraid you I was the I had the same thing now

But I don't I have the same thing now, but I don't have a weird metabolism, so I don't get fat, but it's the same thing as booze, where if I have a bad set, I go and get a fucking milkshake and a bunch of cookies, and I'm like, oh, I'm just a fucking addict right now. And you've gotten it into, you can't drink, because it's been 30 years or whatever amount of years. So you're just doing it.

I did it with the booze, I did it with the sex addict anymore. I didn't go to Denver and go to Craigslist or go to Backpage. And not that I got hookers, but even the trolling for the hookers. Even the hunt of it. You know, nobody's ever talked about that before. That's a real thing, dude. I honestly would fucking even call up a hooker. Yeah.

And then, I'm just gonna talk about the numbers. And then, just like, jerk off, just in this weird thing, like, looking at her Craigslist picture, just the whole interaction. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt.

It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt.

It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. It's the hunt. a person you got to learn to clear your history. Yeah, yeah, if you're going to be a a fucking real novice move. I don't want to clear my history until like a year or a half ago. I'm going to learn about that. Real ass dudes leave the history there, but real ass dudes. You know, I mean, people that get love band surgery when they discovered that people that get that done that get an addiction somewhere else. So they get skinny and it's gambling or sexy.

Well, here's the thing is I don't have the sex. I don't have the cigarettes I gave up two years ago this month. It's been two years without cigarettes Which was huge during this whole thing too. Yeah, I tried to do that's harder than the eating thing by the way but you Eating thing is so hard because I have to do I don't have to smoke brother You don't you don't have eating your success story point at me You don't have eating your success story point at me One over Oh, my god, shut is my call No, you're a success story. I may honestly or dude you fucking give it up drinking given up sex addiction given up cigarettes

These are all way fucking harder that you're not giving anything up. You're making little changes It's right you can still look sport you can have as much dad super fucking salad as you want dude all day Dad super fucking salad as you want dude, all day. All day. It's life changes. All day long. Dude, I hate to say it, but he's making a very, very enjoyable life. Yeah, he's right.

You've done the harder shit. You've done has been harder. It's a decision. Yeah. Someone said to me the other day, I said, I should give it to yourself a loophole. I'm giving yourself a loophole. I am, I have been.

And I've given yourself an L. Someone said to me the other day, I was talking about my son, and I don't want to, I don't want to argue with my wife in front of my kid Even at this stage I do not want to do it and they said it's just a decision not to do it that's it and I went oh shit Oh, yeah, I'm a I can actually just make these decisions And I think I can just not argue and with my wife in front of my kid and that's it that's over done I think forget about my past forget about my history all the shit that was done to me blah blah blah argue with my wife in front of my kid and that's it. That's over. Done.

Forget about my past, forget about my history, all the shit that was done to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm not doing this anymore. And this is with the food. I think also Lewis is playing those good. I think it's good to get some food. The thing you don't understand is that you know what's gonna really help you get through this?

This. That is gonna help you. I promise. Is it a picture to? This? That is gonna help you. I promise. Is it a picture of him? That's gonna help you. I thought it was your lover. This is why I left my wife.

Wait, I don't know. His son is your new trainer. That's what he's saying. He's a good looking kid, man. No, but I think he's gonna help you. Yeah, you're gonna help you. Hold on, Yannis is trying to get me credit. Yeah, like I think people, like you, you gotta think about that. When you come in here and us saying like, man, you look good.

That's gonna feel good when people are giving you compliments. It's a big deal You're saying it for real. Yeah, we're saying for real not like oh, I can see your double chin Not like that. I will make a fucking vow right now. I will not be one month Bob. I mean fat Bob jokes no more fat Bob jokes for me because I don't think you're I do that anchor that I'm declaring something that in that i'm declaring something uh... that fucking thing right there i think that support system is up that you fucking need and you are sent to the city more sensitive than joe list so you need

but i have a hair here's making the income i'm not gonna make any more fat jokes about bobby galley i'm i'm not stopping my life it comes up like I said joke. I have a joke addiction. I have to do it. I have to do it. It's a choice that I'm not ready to make at this point.

Joe hasn't hit bottom yet. You'll have a single tear come down. That'll be my bottom. Alright, so I'm gonna tell you right now. Now you said you're gonna help me. Yes. Lewis, you said you're gonna help me. I'm gonna help you. And you have a trainer that would work with me.

For how much? I have to talk to him, but I think the idea is that if we are willing to do this, that he wants to be a part of. Alright, so me and you are gonna talk. I'll do it. I'll do it right 15 an hour. Right? What? 15 an hour. I'm a

You work out you sort of giving you too much. Can you work? You are me great I will I belong to New York sports club and I go to your gym sometimes because that's actually a really nice one on 49th Street It is and I would I would I would literally go with you okay like I want to I want to help I don't like I'm trying to take my role fuck you Devon I go with him to 47th Street Why don't we all go together? I'm not going with Devon fuck Devon. I'm furious right now Be as fucking guru fucking homo cook a guy To bring your African trainer in once in a while, but you're not gonna fucking

Come in interrupt our fucking bonding moments Yeah, Bobby why would you not want to work out with Louis? There's only room for one real ass dude in Bobby's life! There's no rules! Cooker is my favorite made-up word of all time. You can be his cooker. First of all, this thing is called a pressure cooker, so cookers are gonna be on board. So here's the...

That terms it is. I'm his food tester. Don't tell me about pressure cooker. I was at the marathon. I'm getting I'm getting hungry again I'm starving. There's my food free my food taste. I told you Poli Yeah, I'll go so me and you were gonna talk. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make them I'm gonna Here's I'm gonna this is hard to say because I if I say it I'm gonna mean it I'm really scared to say this. Honest to God.

The Clare of Brawl right now, you made the decision. God listen to me. I'm very excited about that. Joey's off the show. Joey knows what I'm about to do. Like how, you understand? Yeah. I'm very scared to do this because I don't want to fail myself.

I don't want to even the, this heavy people that I get emails from all the time from this podcast, this big guys that are inspired from this show, from me losing weight before. It's all big J. You know what I mean? So I know those people out there that, we can joke fat, fat bob, fat this, fat that. But there's a lot of people out there that, you know, are in the same boat as me. And that boat is sinking.

You said, you were making a hot show. I'm sorry. You said you were in a hot show were in a live-in next show starting then Bobby we're all gonna Everyone here but Lewis will support you. I think I'm gonna make a commitment right now Denver Devin I was just in Denver Beautiful place and I was just in Devin. Hey,. And I was just in Devin. Hey, I'm gonna, I'm serious.

You're gonna say this right now. Good. I'm gonna, if you're gonna help me, and Lewis, you're gonna help me. And I'm the number one like right hand man. Yeah. You're gonna help me go to the gym. But you're gonna work with me

because I'm on the, unlike you, I go on the road. Yeah, you're gonna start bringing me on the road, more. I'm trying, but I don't make enough, but I will. Um, if I, but I, I, I will. will but you're gonna you're gonna help me right work out what you're gonna help me But not fucking hurt me like you tried it by the way He started I was probably gonna push up my name Dude I can't do a push up good my name. You don't need me to do a push up Yeah, you don't need you need to do a push up is that that true? What do you mean? Do you need you need to push up?

Yes, yeah, push it. You're a whole body's need a me You're not you're a hurt me isn't gonna fucking do anything is he an idiot? Yeah, all you weight is on your you have to all your way Devon don't you ever fucking question my workout advice. I worked in the fitness industry for years We let's do yeah, but you sold fucking you shit like do a prison ballies That's not the first of all I worked in Equinox for a couple years, which is the nicest gym Big more recent along to that. Yeah, yeah big more isa fans over there right here a huge barista fans over there That's the truth

Um and I thought I was the truth. Yeah. And, uh. But I was the truth. They offered him a free membership. You know what? I know. Do you know what they don't have huge barista? Scotland. Scotland.

We don't know who you are. You're too good. It's a man in the dress. Maybe you're here. Maybe you're a stalker and a hogger. Stop your ass. We don't get it. We don't like it.

What's it? Help. Rob the violin. Rob the violin. Rob the it? Rob the violin. Rob the violin. I listen. I'm going to make a commitment right now. If you're going to help me eat wise and diet wise,

and we're going to talk about this book and all this shit. And you're going to get this on video? Of course not, bro. Can we please get a fucking intern that isn't here just to look at fucking new guys? No more girl interns. No, I'm not gonna lie. No, I'm not gonna lie now. Oh my girl, I'm sorry.

I'm not a girl. No, I'm gonna lie now. Oh, they're easier, yes. Yeah. Wait a minute, let's hear this comment. Hey, you're gonna help me work out what? Yeah. And you're gonna help me work out?

Yeah. I'm gonna commit right now to losing 60 pounds in the next four months, five months. How's that? Let's do six months. Buy Christmas. Buy New Year. New Year.

Buy the New Year. Yeah. All right. I'm gonna treat this like an addiction. I'm gonna read the over, I got the book, the over-ease anonymous, big book. Dude, we're all in your corner, man. I'm gonna really try to make got the book the over is anonymous big book dude. We're all in your corner man. Yeah I'm gonna really try to make this happen in the next to Christmas

Is there an over eaters anonymous big book? Yeah, there is well, so it's a book and you're gonna call us Yeah, I'm I want you guys to help me though. Yeah, I want you guys to help me I want you to help me. I want you to I'm really gonna try to lose weight I'm gonna get back down look. I'm not gonna. I don't know if I'm gonna be you with your sweaty stomach abs. You're fucking nervous again. I thought I'm gonna take my shirt off right now. Do you wanna see it? Do you guys wanna see it?

There's no fucking rule. There's no. Do you guys wanna see it? Why did David get wicked gay? That was me before the baby. Wow. Really? Let me say, I'm back.

Jesus Christ. I was me before the baby. Let me see all right, so we all here's a deal We all get shredded it's gustingly hairy, but impressive. Hey, we all get shredded because he's a dad to you know I know we all get shredded and then we fuck each other Oh, it was ripped. How's that? It's not you Lewis. Yeah, I look at my tattoo. All right here we go Yeah, you showed me me 10 all right guys. So here's a deal. That's where we're at. Let's end that. I just got this tattoo because it looks good. We'll end that on that.

Devin, thank you for coming in. Thanks for bringing that food. It's for having me. I can't wait to try it. Mmm. Mmm. Looks delicious. I'm so excited for you, Bobby.

You got so much to look forward to. Bobby? You know? Well, I think that just cut to the scene with Bobby's crying, just fucking shoving chocolate in his face. He cut this thing. He made a decision to change his life. It's fucking great.

It's really fun. Lewis has made three fat jokes since he vowed to never make a fat joke. He's the shittiest person I know. Honestly. No, you got to say. I've been nothing but nice to this kid. I swear to God, I've treated him like my son and my younger brother and it all he does is hurt me. That's not true

I just show kidding me Bob. What have you done for me? Oh fucking moved your shit out of your point? What else? Storage locker. Do you want to compare notes? Let's do it. Don't compare I fucking jerk off in your shower like 17 times You really did you fucking it? No. Did you jerk off in my shower? No, can I not. The fucking streams go into your asshole. What am I supposed to do, Bob? Not jerk off with that technology.

I didn't leave one man. Somebody's a real ass, dude. I can't, I know what you're right. I can't expect the fucking scumbag I have five shower heads a bench on a TV Have a bit day that just why we shower in his house no matter what he stay I let him stay at my apartment while I was in Montreal because he he had no he was homeless What a fucking nice guy, so I don't any angle you stand in that shower. There's a water stream

But then he was supposed to leave Monday, but then he still didn't have place He's still just like dude. Well, she's just gonna sleep on a couch. I'm gonna sleep on his do a bench I'm like just stay First of all, I just said I was like, thank you so much And I want to ask my neighbor sent me a photo of his girl crying on my stoop with a crying baby I was crying on my stoop with a crying baby. No, she didn't. I'm kidding. How it really did happen?

That was the only one. Probably. You get the fuck out. You have seats on, bitch. No bitches, your baby's allowed. Only fucking real ass dudes. I'll do hammer-fishing in a central park. Who is meant to be done?

All right, guys. All right, so let's go through this real quick. Ro, I want to say thank you to row for being our intern for last for the couple Here's your Shut up My mind would stop being a conch block. What's wrong with you? Yeah, why do you always get so serious? Fucking bro, you're the worst row. Thanks for being here, right? Oh, now you're going on seriously Lewis. You, Lewis, you should say your tits, please.

You're going on to bigger and better things. Good luck with you. I hope you come back to our show. Keep in touch with me. Maybe you'll watch my kid a little bit, right? You wouldn't mind coming over. I wouldn't trust you. Keep it. It's just me too. Arrelate today. Well, she an hour. You want to check it? Check your Facebook. Check your Facebook. Row. Check your Facebook.

I checked. I double checked. your boat. All right Kelly. What do you get? I'm my website K L.O.I Call if you stick it up calm and Twitter K L.O.I. if I is TZ awesome and Lewis what do you got? I just make me happy if nobody goes to Kelly's website K L.O.I. do you have a website? Who is really nice hungry these days? No, he doesn't. He does, he really makes me.

That you hanging out too much, that's why. You're together a lot. I don't know, I just made that up. I'm getting a nowhere more. That's what that's called. I have, I have to put it in my mind. Listen, listen. What Lewis really cut fire the last 20 minutes.

He really has. Lewis, what do you got, stupid? Go to my website, realisedew.com, follow me on Twitter. I need more Twitter followers. I tried to find you on Vine. I can't find you Louis Shagom is I got my brand new two vine web series that I just started What is the fine? Would you mind comedians pissing and comedian shitting go to my vine? You wonder why you're just knocking nobody we're trying to fucking help you and you just keep pissing and shitting all over It makes up when he's friends going to the toilet at comedy clubs and puts the phone

over. It's fucking brilliant. That's brilliant. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. It's the worst thing ever. Have you ever done it to me? I'm not going to do it to you because you're not funny. You would have been a tiny because I'm not funny. All right. Can we stop? I got to go.

I got to go meet my wife. Yeah. I got to go to. Listen. So just go to your website We're gonna do comm at Louis J. Gomez at you. What's what's you what do you want vine? I'm fine at Louis J. Gomez. We send me your vinyl request. I want to I want to follow you. Go ahead. Oh, I got nothing Joe, what do you got? I got nothing? Canadian Joe list dot com follow me on Twitter. I think I already follow me on Twitter now The you got we do there's hundreds of thousands of people that listen to this do you have a hot do you have?

50,000 people on Twitter you went from hundreds of thousands to fifty hundred thousand hundred thousand hundred thousand to fifty very quickly uh... at joe list comedy on twitter and then i'm on instagram and i take really pretty pictures all you do i saw them do yeah they're lovely joe list one of the funniest guys on the plentiful the part of the show when i'm sure

uh... yana's what do you get I will be at off the hook Marco Island. Oh, that's a great gig. I'm there next week. I'm there the 29th of August. The weekend of that 20th. We're going to 29th 30th and 31st. Okay. There's Marco Island.

So, all right. Have fun out there, brother. You too, brother. Okay, go ahead. What do you got, Denver? That's, Devon, I'm kidding. You know that. It's on Twitter., I'm kidding, you know that. It's on Twitter, I'm at NYC GeekDad, and I'll be putting up the daddy diet.com. All right, cool, so thank you for bringing that food down,

and this was maybe a moment of clarity. Right behind you, man. Hopefully, you know, I, you know, Billy's been helping me, you know, helping me with these text messages and Put in my brain psychologically where it needs to be do you want text from all of us as well? It's up to you. I mean, I would never tell anybody that but You know because I know that I can get old too. We look a fuck. I got a text fast. Yeah, that's phone text you Yeah, but yeah, this is a very good person

We talked a lot I agree. I'm y' honest is a very good person. We talked a lot. I agree. I'm nice, nice, but the day together. We did. He showed up 40 minutes late for my podcast. Let me hang out for a while. Joe cancel. That's because he was, he was sorry banging row. That's right. She was late for Lewis. I'm going to be actually at off the Huckabee Club this week that you hear this, which is the 22nd, 23rd, 24th, and I believe it's a 25th too, which is a little crazy, but what the fuck? Fuck some fuck, I'm the weekend after you. Well, yeah, well here's the thing, go see me and then go back and see Janus, because if

you liked me, you will fucking definitely like Janus, okay? Yeah. It's a cool little club, it's in the middle of this little mall. It's at a restaurant. Patrice on Neil called me from it. Yo, motherfucker, I'm working a fish restaurant. I'm watching Mexicans cook flounder. Well, I'm trying to tell my jokes. I'm gonna murder you, Bob Kelly, if it's telling me

this gig is good. But I've never had a problem there. So, there you go. Yeah, Brian and his mom and dad, they're really good people. Really, they've had me over their house for food. I don't know if they'll do that with you, but if they don't, they don't like you. But if they do, you know they took a liking.

But it's a no pressure gig. You go in, you do it, you get the fuck out. So Marco Island this week, Thursday Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, please go, they go to robbercallylive.com and go to my Facebook from there. That's the Facebook you use. That's my fan page.

Make sure you like it. When you go there, immediately like it. I got over 18,000 likes on my fan page. So thank you for all you guys have done that so far. Twitter at robbercally. I'm on Vine. I'm on Instagram. It's all on my website robbercallylive.com.

You can actually get everything you need there. My tour dates, bios, photos, all that stuff. So please go there. Go to riotcast.com slash Robert kelly. View our videos from there. From now on, that's what we're tweeting out. Facebooking out is the link to riotcast. So fuck YouTube. Go to riotcast.com slash Robert kelly. And Facebook page. Why can we make sure you follow the even though you follow me follow the Facebook page and the Twitter page for you know what dude You guys a great keep spreading the word. Oh, we're gonna be getting a bunch of merch up there soon for you guys to buy and get the stickers and posters and all that shit. And I got some great news coming out real soon about a riot cast show and a YKWD show. And remember in Toronto, in November, I'm going to be doing my podcast up there.

So you guys, you Canadian fucks, look for that. You guys are the best fans in the fucking world. And I'll say this again, this is the funniest podcast out there. One of them, I'll put this podcast up against any fucking podcast out there. Why? Because of the people I have on this show. Okay? The comics that come on this show, new old, uh, they're fucking the funniest guys walking the earth. Well, that's John is new and old, right? So, uh, make sure you follow them and go to our shows and let us know that you heard us, uh, your fans from the

YKWD. That means a lot to all of us. So that's it. Thanks a lot guys. Take care. I'm stuck in the bottom of the bottom You know what I'm getting I'm just crossing the rocks on the rocks You know what I'm getting

Really dude, really, really, really You know what I'm getting Con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan grande. ¡Pi-o-me-mate! ¡Don't stop! ¡Pi-o-me-mate! ¡Don't stop! Partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.