Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Pants, Dads and Douchebags

Episode Date: February 11, 2013

Robert is joined by Keith Malley (Keith and the Girl), Sam Roberts (After O&A), Kelly Fastuca, Luis J Gomez and Joe List.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de esos de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta de dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de esos que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de esos que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra en los bares de Madrid la edición especial de Madrid nos día. Númenace de mal,

a Madrid. with all your positives. Plutot TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Hey, this is Sam Roberts, and you're listening to You Know What, dude, on Rycast.com. I'm unflappable. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Okay, YKW Defense, it's time for you to see the one and only Robert Kelly live on stage.

On February 21st through 23rd, Robert will be at the Helium Club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. On February 26th, catch him at the Ryke Kass stand-up night at the stand in New York City. On March 1st and 2nd, Robert will be at the treehouse in Connecticut. And also on March 15th, Robert makes a very special return to his hometown at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. Get your tickets now because they're going fast, go to Robert Kelly Live for tickets, information, and all future dates on the tour. Okay, here's the intro to Pants, Dads, and douchebags.

I don't know, we had Keith from Keith and the girl, a very famous awesome friend of the show podcast was on Sam Roberts, my lovely twink friend that I fucking adore from the Sam Roberts show and the Opinionthini show. We had Louis J. Gomez from fucking Upper East Side, from Hammer Fisting podcast, Joe L list and Kelly for stew or am myself We all sat down. I was a little fucking. I don't know man. I'm you know I brought up a couple things that I don't know. I don't know just on my mind Again, you know that some fucking guys say some evil shit on Twitter that just fucking annoyed me and You know everybody kind of took a side and had an opinion and tried to play Dr. Phil and I don't know it was pretty interesting then we actually went into some dad stuff and you know again it was um an interesting conversation I think um

you know I might have been fucking being a fucking puswack or a little sensitive. I don't know but a lot of fun shit, you know, Jolus was killing it. Lus was a fucking idiot fucking up my profile I had and There was a two-hour show so you know it's two hours long It's two shows and one so stop it an hour if you don't like two hour shows and like hour shows after an hour just stop it and restart it as whole. Teehee and listen to it on Wednesday. But if you like two hour shows long that shows, there you go. Hey, you fucking go. So enjoy this episode. It's it's good. Let me know why KWD at RyderCast.com

I don't know if someone should hit you. Somebody should didn't maybe the fucking douchebag I was talking about on Twitter Listen to the show still and you can email us and tell us why you're such a fucking cunt negative fucking Asshole, but pants dad to douchebags enjoy Fucker. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Cricer.

Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? You know what, dude? If you bippy by a if bippy bippy boo, dippy dippy dhyah, yabba dhabba doo. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B.B. You know we need you. Fuck it. We're starting.

We're already hit the button. We're red, man. We're red. We're going? Yeah, we're fucking going. I don't know. I'm waiting. I feel alive.

You should feel alive. Yeah. Alright, so, uh, and follow not waiting. I feel alive. You should feel alive. Yeah. That's right. All right. So, uh, and follow your headphone thing into adjust your headphones accordingly. You know what, I should have, ah, that's not the fuck that rub. We should actually have these headphones

like where in front of the people next week, like fall the cord so he doesn't have to follow it over to the end. Anyways, all right, Rob. I'm gonna let it go this time But usually yeah for my convenience. Yeah, but you I didn't even notice don't worry about it All right, we're ready to go. Let's fucking do this. We're That's what sounds looks like good for you look at you you nerd rob's getting a fucking hard on looking at sound waves

That's Joe list. Jesus. He's a fucking nervous Nelly. So what's okay, we're on the we're on the fucking road. Shut up Kelly. Welcome back though. Seriously, we shut your face. Welcome back. We love you. Shut your mouth. And never wear a shirt that's short again. Oh, God. From behind you look like Bobby. Oh, really? That's not. That's not. I don't find that funny. I find that it's something to her. Kelly, you don't look, you actually look good, Kelly.

You look good with a little meat on your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you just get a, you get to pull your shit up. You can't have your asshole hanging out. And your titties are hanging out now. Really? Yeah. Stop that noise. That noise is just annoying. All right. We stopped it. See, professional, professional, professional.

And I'm just going to start fucking. Which weight is the mic go? Everybody. What? Hey, all right. Joe List is here. Come on. Come on.

Comedy. All right, Kelly. I'm at two minutes at 32 seconds. What's up, Kelly? Yeah, he calls me. I have everything going on. I'm at two minutes at 32 seconds. All right, let's all right. Let's all let's all let's I want to do everybody Rob. How's that sound? And as the show goes, you'll see me slowly slide this way because the house is on the tilt and my weight brings me into the other room by the end of the show. I usually start over here by you and I'll just be over there.

Okay, let's funny too. Wow, that fucking came through on the microphone. Loud and clear. Joe's mic is working. I love everybody. Come on, light. Yeah, come on, lighten, just attacks the host. Well, I'm all upset.

I was told Janus is gonna be here and I get here and it's Gomez. Oh, come on, bro. Well, anytime this Janus is on the list, right underneath him is Gomez with a question mark Just in case we can't get the real Fucking I'll dress up like a fucking training are you crazy? I'll do it right now, please. I said Janus Not Maricia. We got Sam Roberts in the house. We got Keith from Keith in the girl

That's like a huge show. It's working out eight years It's working out, I love that. We got Sam from the Bob and Sam show on series, I would say. I wouldn't, but okay, you can, I guess it's your show, but it's not, there is no show called that. I mean, when I'm wanted, it's that. I don't know. Well, all right, well, we got Sam from the Sam Who Kid

and Robert Show, is it? We just called Sam Robert Show. The After Show. Okay, one of my favorite shows. Is it? I fucking called Sam Robert show. The after show. Okay. One of my favorite shows. Is it? I fucking love it. Yeah.

You can't say it's your favorite show because it's not a political right move for you to make, but. No, I love it. I didn't say I hate Owen A. I know. I didn't say, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

What's that, anything about that? I just settled down. Wow. Oh. So then we got Lewis, J, Real As Dude, go not what oh god? I'm fucking posing for the camera bro That's what real dudes do real ass dudes. Thank you very much We and then we got Joe list a K the true What's up? We got fat Kelly and we do mean that again.

What I've been joking around anymore. She is gaining. I know. And she's gaining weight. I have. It happened so fast. I blinked and I had big arms again. Is that all right?

Is that like scorching? Are you sure? We're obviously sitting here looking at these sound waves, making sure that the sound is good. Apparently every week when we do my podcast for the last year, year, trying not to have a boss in accent anymore, year. This is a good age to start to lose it.

Thank you. I actually started playing the drums, still. If it. If it. The sound has been off. Oh, God. You okay. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was.

He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was.

He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was.

He was. He was. He was an adorable face. He was like, huh? That was my little fat baby face. Anyways, so thanks everybody for coming on. Rob, thanks for coming down. We got Linda here taking photos. Beautiful Linda. Whee! Whee! Don't be district-backed.

It's a fucking compliment, dude. Not from a photo. Can't whistle at a chick and fucking go, that actually something, mummy. What's up, at a chick and fucking go that that actually something I mean when you guys do that that means the other guys come around the corner and then the fucking sexual harassment starts That's not your black chicks actually really do like that me my friends used to do that just when black chicks walk by you go Oh damn girl, what you wear it? They like it. They're flattered. Oh, yeah, that's true That's where I'm from that Linda's pretty white for a black chick. Yeah, yeah, she's really polite

Yeah, black chick love on a bunch of puttering and go, yo, shit, you fine bitch. Yeah, they really do. Oh, they don't. Don't you savage. Bubb, you know nothing about black people. Look at your small fucking tiny world on the upper, upper, upper east side.

Made in. Grammarcy, you fucking slob who lives in fucking hell. You know, first of all, you don't live in Grammarcy. Yeah, I do. If you live near a Dunkin' Donuts, okay, and a fucking bodega, it's not nice, okay? And it's not even a real Dunkin' Donuts. It's just like a half-breed Dunkin' Donuts.

That's the Robin's, bro. A fucking flat tire shop, okay? You don't live in Grammacy. You know why I know you live in a shitty neighborhood? I can walk up to you a bedroom window and go, Lewis, are you up? That's not what happened. Yeah, me and Joe, we're walking down it somewhere. And I saw his Lewis's streets.

I got one sec. And Joe's like, what are we doing? I go, just come on. We walk up to Lewis's window. I knock on the window. Lewis, what? And then we just left. Now here's a funny part, you know I literally got my shoes on

I was like oh Bobby and Joe were here for me. We're gonna go have fun fun in games and I came outside and nobody was outside Serious nobody was outside you hear de rosa and you think fun in games? He thinks anybody nobody you understand what was the semis comics. I don't I don't you're You know the comic right? He's talking to kill you. Goodbye. No, I'm kidding God it's not like a wherever you're going. I won't be offended here Here's it. You don't get you dole bill doesn't ring anymore. I mean, I don't know in the last time I'm somebody my doorbell rang and my wife went honey. It's for you and it's a friend going hey You want to hang out what that doesn't happen any adult doesn't have a hang out via Doorbell ring a lot of texting usually that happens. I'm I miss I miss those days. I miss the day when you had friends

Yeah, when you have real friends you have them over in the yellow item Hey cock suckers are you do a show and now they're nervous to hang out with you? No, that's a show When the mic's off when the mic do that. I'm fucking nice as pie. Right, Lewis? He loves pie. And to him. Yeah, they are. Do you think, for example, at the comedy seller, you guys have what you call the table and it's where the comics hang out and bust each other ball. Other's balls. Do you think that confuses comedians? Like, oh, we're just having fun, but really, maybe it helps with everybody's insecurity and why comedians are a mess. It doesn't help.

I don't think it, look, it hears a deal. That's dead by the way, first of all. That doesn't exist anymore. That happened when there was a small window of time when Colin Quinn and DiPolo and Norton and myself and Patrice and Keith and Voss and Billy, there was a little cab, we were just all the same type of guy at the same place. We weren't all headliners yet,

we're all like we're in the city every night, even on weekends. And that's just what we were. That's kind of gone. No, you can't really, those guys don't exist anymore. I mean, I don't think, I mean, that table is, you get one that's going every once in a while, but I don't think it happens.

I mean, we did that shit every night. We sat at that table and we talked about fucking everything. You think it was helpful? I think it was helpful with those people, but all of a sudden, like this people I don't fuck with. I heard a story somebody picked on your pants so much. Maybe you feel so bad. You went home and burned your pants, true or false?

I threw them out. OK. I threw them in the garbage as soon as I got home. I came in, pulled my pants off, threw them in the trash. And I wiped it. She was like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I just fucking go call the fucking security guard for 45 minutes.

It's my fault, though. I was in one of my fats and I was wearing tight blue with a baby blue stripe sweatpants. Do you know what I mean? So I look like, you know, I look, I look like an ass. I shouldn't have worn them. That, here's the fine line. I should, when you, I knew when I was walking out of it. Did these look in your wife's an ass?

Oh, she's never gonna tell you the truth. You look fine, you look fine. She wants you not to get like that. She wants people to go fuck him. So you come home, right? And I went down and as soon as I walked in, they were like, what the fuck? Look at this mother, and-

But you didn't know. I mean, we tried- You couldn't look at yourself and be like, I would make fun of this. Look, you don't know. I mean, you don't know fully. Like Billy, Billy Berra took a pounding one night. He took the World Series, who's happening.

And someone gave him two free tickets to the World Series. All he had to do was do comedy on a bus on the way. He took the gig. And he took the gig. And we trashed him for fucking an hour and a half. Like, you know, ladies and gentlemen, next up to the yellow line. Yeah.

I mean, and then he knew like, all right, I shouldn't have fucking, I'm an asshole. I got trashed in Amsterdam to the point where I almost cried, where I felt like sad. I mean, I walked out of the hotel with, I fucked up and I bought polyester black pants when they were in with a polyester black shirt. It's all pants with you.

1960, what was the name of the polyester black pants? It was a fancy pants. Kind of in the late 90s. Which Bobby was it? Was it shirted Bobby or fat Bobby? It was like in between. But. It was even between Bobby.

I didn't know the pants. The thing Luis had never seen. I didn't know the pinch of never seen I didn't know the sucks when you just hear yourself that was an awfully big laugh that was an awfully big laugh for your comments there. Kelly left their own jokes but I got a joke I came out and they were I didn't try him on to the store they were bell bottoms so it looked like I was wearing a black evening gown as I walked out of the hotel at Amsterdam and they trashed me with like 45 minutes and it hurt. Yeah, but I don't, I think, you know, what's so weird is that as you get older, that shit kind of goes away, fucking trash in

each other, it kind of fucking hurts. There is a line that when it's all, that's all the motherfucker does every fucking time all fuck anytime you see them or he it's always hey fat fat fat fat fat Dumb dumb dumb idiot idiot you know, it does it's my whole thing what are you talking about? That's what I do it does I think it does I think you're right and the older you get I think it does when you're younger You don't give a fuck but the older you get when you have a wife and I'm having a kid It's like fucking shut the fuck up, right? It just doesn't sound like comedians are a good support system That's all I'm saying. I don't think so for dead so the table doesn't exist anymore. You just don't participate Well, I don't think that the people there, you know, Collins not there anymore I mean, we're never we're all headliners now. So we're never really in town at the same time

very rarely do we all hang out at the same time. And I think the newer generation of comics don't fuck with each other the way we did. Now there are a bunch of fucking. They're too scared to. Facts that love each other. It's disgusting. Well, you're wonderful. No, I don't. I hate every comic. I don't like you either. I hate your list specifically. No, we don't like each other. Dude, I know everyone's scared to dance of them too. Everyone pretends to fucking like support each other. Everyone like I, no, everyone's scared to death of him too. Everyone pretends to fucking support each other. Everyone, there's a birthday, like everyone will show up at cab and there's 90 comics

and there's no way everybody really likes each other. It's impossible. Hang on one second, Rob, do you wanna hang out? Please. Are you sure? Are you just listening? Okay, but you can stay as long as you want. But I'm just saying.

Wait, wait, make them feel welcome by not putting up the other microphone that you have. If you go out and buy your own mic, join us, buddy. If that's okay. Yeah, Sprance, don't you have a Coke problem? No, go to. Yeah, I don't know why I bought your Coke. Hang on, I have to turn the mic up.

Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead, yeah, hello. Whoa, that line should work the second time. No, I'm not, I'm not now on the line. I'm sorry, if you wanna hang out, you can hang out. There's a microphone right there. No, I appreciate it. I do have to go back to work. You can not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal.

I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal.

I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal.

I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. the way he's gone. Did you see his fucking pants? What about his nose? What about his lack of chin? Good face. I think what's worse. I think about me. I had a guy yesterday and there's busting balls and I think what are created is worse. I think that because now with social media and the way that you can, the average asshole can just literally get in touch with you without your permission. They took what we did as Kelly, can you get that off of all the whole fucking sound system, please? Thank

you. So I'm gonna about her love handles. I thought that was funny. I like it too. Thanks Bob. Usually when you legs out of your lap, but your mom's afraid of him. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how else to express it. I had a guy yesterday. I woke up. Fucking great day. Everything was cool. I get up and I read a couple tweets about this last weekend at Gotham, which was awesome. I had a fucking great supporting cast. Joe Liss was on the show. I had a fucking great... Supporting cast. Joe Liss was on the show.

Thank you. Fucking killed it all weekend. Amy Schumer came down. She had a work on stuff so she was actually the middle-er. And then me, it was fucking blast. I had a blast in the city. And Thurston and I did the live access TV which was insane.

Fucking live TV was the, oh my God. It was the fun, one of the greatest things I've done in my career just it was a very short amount of time but going live was like what the fuck this could all you if something happened you fucked and I just loved it but you know wake up Monday morning everything's great great weekend made some money had some fucking great shows with friends and go to Twitter hey great job hey blah blah yeah Bob Kelly's gonna wind up like Patrice except he's less funny. What the fuck?

Not even funny, dude. Here's, I don't care about the fat joke, like I'm gonna die. That part was hilarious, right? First of all, Patrice didn't die because he was overweight, you motherfucker. And the fact that you're bringing my friend into some type of fuck you to me,

I had to really fight myself. I wanted to find this guy and I'll go to jail. I'll fucking, I'll really go to jail. I'll take a fucking wrench and I'll smash it across his fucking face and bury his body. Meanwhile, do you know, he does even know what he said. He was on the shitter. I'm not saying it's okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I fuck that. He knew what he said. He's talking about Patrice O'Neil. He's saying that he's fucking dead. I mean, because he's overweight, which is not fucking true, okay? Patrice didn't die because he was fat. Well, you only get 140 characters,

you can't lay out the whole medical reason. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. You don't bring up my fucking friend's name, my dead friend's name, to fuck with me. That doesn't fucking matter. The insanity of it is, though, that you see it as like, why would you bring this guy up in a fuck you to me?

Whereas the guy who wrote it, he's heard you guys on O&A and he thinks that all the fans are just allowed to bus balls too. Well that's the problem, that's where it's bad. It's like you don't get to, first of all, if you like me, I understand, I always tell him fucking, you know, say I love you, Bob, or Winky Fett, even if you fuck up, at least I know you're fucked up, you're trying to be funny.

I don't deny people trying to be funny, because you step over lines and you step over, this guy doesn't give, he wanted to fuck with me. He wanted to say some fucked up shit about me, didn't follow me, doesn't even, never saw me do comedy. It has no clue, he's just a fat fuck with a phone, okay, trying to be mean. That's what I don't like.

People trying to be funny is one thing, okay? People trying to be vicious and mean because they're fucking psychotic in their own life. That's a whole another fucking story. I think he would be surprised that you felt this way. I was like, absolutely not, absolutely fucking not. No, because I've had, Oh, I'm sorry I wrote it.

I had, I wish it was you, because you'd be right here. I'd fucking smash all these guitars over your head. Yeah, but Bobby Can't you see that this guy does have a point though? I'm good It's um You really just a fucking spanish ass. I'm gonna say speak very close Look I I understand like I but I do think it's fucked up. I mean Sam you have your own show

You have your own show and you get you get trashed I mean and you get then sometimes you see these people in person and they can't believe like yeah Aren't you a fucking weirdo kind of remember your weirdo, right? Oh that weird team. It was fucking hilarious Dude I have a big difference. I've had somebody come up to me who I know has been insulting me on Twitter And he'll come up to me. I think it been insulting me on Twitter and he'll come up to me I think it was a one of Norton shows and he goes oh man, you know, I love your shit I've been trying to get you to block me for the longest time. You just won't do it Attention's attention. Why the fuck do you belong did I had a guy?

It's a guy who listens to your fucking show I had him block me because he just started shitting on me And I started shit on him back because I got nothing else to do in the morning I just sit on the shitter and just you know shit on him and his fucking ugly kids and all this other shit It's great. What a shit in the story a lot of shit in the story So then he fucking end up blocking me at the all of it at the end of it blocking is the biggest bitch move It's not it's not a bitch move. It's a bitch move. It is it's really not It's I don't even deal with I don't even do that shit anymore I used to do that. Oh look at his Facebook and hunt them down But find out his wife is just a fucking mess. I still do that. Oh, I love it

That's the best kids his kids are fucking just goofy looking their eyes to white apart Fucking redheads and then but I start texting the kids. Yeah, I just block them Most of the time a lot of times too. It's hard to find because they're anonymous assos those are the ones You know deep trucker 79 with the egg. Oh, I want to fucking stamp But you know, it's like but you know that these guys that are shitting on you on Twitter are just jealous of your life They're not jealous of attention I just agree. They are these are the settlers me the guys that do it. They go after everybody. They're no their bad people They're bad people this are're bad people. They're not bad people.

Are you fucking, are you retarded? They're all wrong. That's what comes up, bro. Well, retarded in the dictionary, sex. Not fucking. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Not that. Listen, what I'm saying is, these are bad fucking people.

They're bad people. They're fucking bad people. You these the fact that these people can just get in touch with you. When you write something as a fucking grown adult, you can I've Type shit and been like fuck nah. Right. Nope. Nope because I was brought up a certain fucking way and I even know I'm funny And I'm a comic master. I have the I have the right. are you just gonna throw quips out in the middle of my sentence? Yes. I'm alright. Just a question.

I think, I think that, I think these people are bad people. You, when you can look at something, you're not that dumb. You're not that dumb. I know the dumb guys, because they immediately will have somebody else go do it. I fucked up, I'm sorry, or I'm a fan, or something like that. This guy doesn't give a fuck. He intentionally went out to be a cunt because he's a fucking piece of shit as a human to say that I have I have Some fans that they have Keith and the girl one way or the other tattooed on their bodies. Yeah that constantly treat me like shit

Right, yeah, but you deserve it. I mean the right What you put out there. I'm a two-year-old tattoo. You think the girl tattoos, really? Yeah, over a hundred. Just got another brand thing in the day. Wow. Yeah.

What do you say what? That's insane. Any license plates? Sorry, pop it. Yeah. Wow. Yada says license plates. It's the most insane thing to me.

Oh, I guess that's less than saying that a tattoo. I really took it down. Yes, that's my bad, everybody. That's my bad, license it's had to. I really took it down. I'm not saying Joe. That's my bad, everybody. I'm in license. This guy is a keychain. Wow. But you know what? And I'm not saying it's your fault in the least.

But people do get confused. Like Sam was saying about the vibe you put out there. You have Kelly on regularly, and you guys are saying she's fat. That people know you can, right. But people know you, she's monstrous. But people know, whoa, you can't do that, but this place, you can.

I can, yeah, you can say what I'm on. It is a disconnect though, with like, especially like Facebook and Twitter, people like normal people who don't have anything to do with like a microphone. There's a disconnection, like they write something centered away and they have no idea. And whenever you pulled someone up on that,

like, dude, that was really mean. They're like, oh, they're so, like they're so apologetic man Sorry, don't block me. I'm really sorry wiki smiley face. I don't know I think you got to take the power away from I just retweet anytime somebody shit something I just retweet it I think it's hilarious. I don't look here's a thing though is that I just I get there's certain there's certain I block people I don't give a fuck I don't want I don't want you in my life If I look and see if you're not following me, you're not a fan of mine, you're not even following me.

You're a fan of Jim Norton's and you're a fucking attacking me because you don't like me and you just wanna fucking make me, okay fine. I don't block boom, done it. I don't go find you. This guy, that was some evil shit to bring up to that. Personally, this personally couldn't affect you,

you could give a fuck. Personally, I don't like when they do that, when they bring up a tree in a fucking negative way to compare him, it's like, they'll fuck yourself. If you like a tree, don't fucking bring him up like that, dude, have more respect for that fucking guy than to use him and to dig for me. See, you know what I mean?

A lot of times there is a disconnect though, because they'll hear Norton make fun of you, right? And everybody laughs at that, it's funny. It's even funny to you, because he's your friend. Well, so this guy likes Norton like you said. It's not, I've talked to Norton about that. I would like to do it. It's one thing when it's a good one,

and it's funny once in a while, but when it's all that you fuck every fuck, you can't even get a word out. Fuck, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. It's like, you know, all right, fad, fad, fad, fad, fad. It's like, it's like, you know, all right dude, what the fuck, you know, it's our responsibility as friends of each other to, I need to fucking tell my fans that you're good,

that you're okay, because I need, I want them to get you up, and you need to have your fans get me up. That's our responsibility to each other. That's why we, that's why I have you guys on my show. I'm not gonna sit there and trash Kelly and throw under the bus all the fucking time I also bring around the road with me and and people know my fans would you start off with fucking 100 people on Twitter? Now how many have like two six? Yeah, so you know I'm being cool. I didn't want to add the zero

I was like and I was like Lewis as add the zeros. And I always say, like, Lewis as well. The way Lewis speaks to me sometimes, people, I don't know if I told you this, one of Australia fans of the podcast came and watched me do stand up. And they were like, I'm not going. Now they're not fans of the podcast. I'm shy, I'm shy.

And they were like, listen, can we just ask, is Lewis as much of a savage as he comes across on the show? And... Listen, you could tell those fucking Australians. No, but this is the thing that I'm gonna die in a fire. I thought you don't get mad. I thought you'd find it.

No, I won't block them. I'll retweet it. I'll retweet that, man. The thing is, you can speak to me like that, because I know. Like Lewis does me. I'm level-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o But if someone who doesn't know me does it, like, I make me so fucking mad. It's enough. It's enough of the small mouth I think this is a good time to bring that fuck really you don't like it No, I'm very hurt and I can't hear you. What did you say? Look what we do here is what you should do with your friends. Don't fucking it. I was asked we're not your friends

Yeah, don't don't fucking don't walk up to me at a fucking show or on the street when I'm with my chick and go Hey fat Bob Kelly. I will knock you What we do on a radio that's a show that's not real fucking life, but Sam saying it confuses them And I think it does too sometimes I think most of the people making fun of your own A-Fans. And I think so too. And most of the 99% of the ONA fans are solid people and do understand it and get it. Because I've had guys look, you blocked me, I fucked up,

I took it too far, I was just kidding, hey man, all right, fuck it. Or, you know, like that's why that smiley face or the winky face, I know you're a fan. I know you're just fucking around. No matter what you say, I had a guy say some shit. Right after that guy said something, I was like on a block tear.

I guys wanted, and this guy had a good one but he had the winky face and I was like, ah, you cock suck, you motherfucker, you cock suck. And it's like, hey, what are you gonna do? It's all right, I get it. But I think we did create, look, you look at fucking actors. I look at actors, Twitter accounts, and it's so nice

All these responses are like dude love you can't wait. Well, you want me to tell you why let me tell you something Robert has been on I'm not pointed me though when you know. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I know that appointment. Oh, don't don't tell you. Let me tell you something Yeah, use your head. I'm for it. I enjoyed it Robert's been a guest on Keith in the groan. He's great of course But one time he was on and he he was explaining how about these actors that you know their accounts are nice how do i how can i have a how can people be uh... nice or where they always start a fucker and then they

start type and something and like uh... alright that you know i understand your point very next day i go to see robert live hello cock suckers and i'm like that's the fact that's a term of endearmate right but i'll get the subtleties but yeah but here's a deal here's's a term of endermot. Right. People don't get meat. That's subtlety, it's bad. Yeah, but here's a deal.

I'm out of fucking. Here's a deal though. When I go, what's up, cock-shockers? It's not me going, you fuck you cock-shocker. That's totally different. I could see what you mean, the point is terrible. Yeah, it was a shitty point. I was expecting more from you.

Yeah, I don't know. Do look, I get it, but it's like certain things. It's like, you should get the fuck away. And I love, look at, I had it, but it's like certain things. It's just, it's like, you just get the fuck away. And I love, look at, I love, I had a guy on Facebook. I tweeted this great photo of Patrice's barbecue. It was last barbecue, it was me. I took the photo. It's Norton, D-Netwoods and Rich Voss.

And Patrice is holding Courtney. Just smashed D-N Edwards called him fucking Goose fucking I don't know some black dude goose gossage. Yeah goose or something fucking stupid He called him trashed him everybody's laughing. I caught this. I caught this one photo Patrice fucking holding court and everybody fucking laughing and I put it on Facebook and everybody's wow It's a great photo. That's an on wow. That's a day. You know thanks putting that out man And one guy was like dude you gotta you're a fucking can you stop with the forced Perspective you ruin every fucking photo By the way, it's like you're reading it that way though. You see the anger you're reading it with No, no, no, that can't tell how like the tone that they're using no dude

Will you stop you fucking idiot with the force fucking perspective. You ruin every fucking photo. Oh, you know him, I meant it. Yeah, exactly. With the three exclamation points. And I wrote them all caps. I wrote them back. I was like, you're missing the fucking point.

You fucking nobody. I am, you're getting to see something that no, you would never get to see. All right, you, I'm actually making available a moment in time that you as a fan of Patrice Norton and all you would never get to see this is a fucking a behind the scenes look for fans of comedy at Some of the funniest guys walking the fucking earth But if I was that guy look would just have a not rubber Kelly talking to me exactly closer If I was that guy, I'd look with just having, now I have Robert Kelly talking to me.

Is that the closer? No, but I'm not, I would never talk to you. But do you see what I mean? If I'm that person, that person's excited. If I said something nice, Robert wouldn't be talking to me. That's not true, this is what I did, I said, you know what, be a man and fucking unfollow me and he did. He unfollowed me and he got off my shit.

You're not a fan of mine. Everything that I do, you're not looking at what I, oh my God, this is a great, cool photo. Thanks for putting that up, dude. You know, thanks for putting that up. I never would ever get to see a photo like this of all these guys really having a good time. You know, everybody else got it.

That I, me having this and I shared it with you. But you didn't talk to the other people. What? Yeah, I did, did you? Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. This is what I don't understand.

You're actually taking their side. I don't understand. No, I This is what I don't understand. You're actually taking their side. I don't understand. No, I'm seeing their side. Am I talking to Keith or the girl here? What's going on? Yeah, what do we have? No, I see their side. Because I get the same kind of stuff.

And I get why they're doing it. Doesn't make it okay. No, I don't. You're talking about there's a percentage that do it. There's a percentage that are fucking dickheads. I'm not keeping. I'm not saying there's not they fucking assholes and good people these people. No, there's some psychos out there that deserve to get the fuck out of my life. That's it. I'm not giving you the opportunity to explain yourself or being a fucking. But you understand I'm not saying they're right

but there's no right there right. I don't know. I'm not saying they're right? But there's no right there, right? I don't know. I'm not saying that. Yeah, they're not right. But it's not that they're fans either. There are you, there's people that aren't your fans that fuck with you that just because they can. But what's the word then? If they get a Keith and girl tattoo

and they want me dead every day, what's the word? That's, that's fucking, he should be in a hospital. Forget the fucking tattoo. Well, I have a couple hospitals. That's, that's a great logo. I like it logo. I wish I fucking had a logo that in the suit logo that in the su-fire that fucking top ones. Well, but the guy eating the microphone. That's my face. That's a logo. That's real life. He was really a micro-man. The super finger is real life. The sufi asshole. Yeah, it's short for super finger assholes.

There you go. There you go. Listen, I understand, and I'm a fucking sensitive guy. I'm totally free. No, I get that. You're a set, dude. You are just as sensitive as me. That's not true.

Yeah, you are. You and your fucking ugly baby. Bro, I can hold on. I can't even take that as being sensitive True, yeah, you are you and your fucking ugly baby bro I can't even take that as being sensitive because you know my baby is maybe the cutest child you're ever seeing in your life So fucking max is born My kids gonna fucking punch your dumb kid in the head. I hope my kid sucks your kids deck I hope my kid just makes your kid a fucking just a fucking flamer I hope he does. I hope my kid just makes your kid a fucking, just a fucking flamer.

Well, there's certainly no way this can confuse the audience. I hope my kid is just out of the closet and your kid's just in the closet. It really just ruins my life. And then it comes home and goes, Dad, look what I did. I suck loads of kids, Jack. I hope someone gets a tattoo of your kid

sucking loads of kids dick. But in stick figure form, like, give him the girl. I don't know, that shit, that fucking ship bugs me man. I don't I that's why like Facebook better because it this So what are you gonna do you actually have to somehow have more information on Facebook than you do on Twitter Twitter is that you can have the egg you can just be a nobody with 140 on Facebook you have catfish Huh, you can still catfish on Facebook you can have fish huh you can still catfish on Facebook you can but They're usually you can go to somebody's Facebook and see their kid and the in see who this fucking cock sucker is

So what are you gonna do when people start bringing your kid into it? You know it's gonna happen. Yeah, definitely Right, yeah, just but you think okay, so here same says it's gonna happen because he's the joke You think, okay, so here... Same says it's gonna happen, because he is the joke. Dude, I went with it. Look, look, there's a perfect thing that Sam did one day that was a dick move. We're on the fucking air.

And, you know, something happened and he didn't say it, but he got everybody to go and fucking trash your Facebook. But here's the thing that you don't understand is you get all these fucking, why would you get your fans to attack The people that are your friends of your show attack fucking people that don't like you Don't get them to attack rich vosses Facebook get them to attack somebody else's Facebook. It's funny We're doing attack at all. You understand that this guy is fucking

Power fist is up. I'm gonna get that tattoo. A white fist. There's a guy. He's trying to sell tickets to a fucking show. Use his Facebook to promote. Trying and all of a sudden now it's just trash. You know many people have gone to me on fucking network people from network TV, people from shows I've done and they go to my Facebook and my Twitter and go, two, three. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. What the fuck, man, do your fans even like you?

Right. I mean, and they get, and they're like, fuck it. That can hurt your fucking career now. I've walked into an audition at a network for a fucking, almost, I mean, that close to getting a fucking dream job. And then all of them on the phone, I go, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're checking out your Twitter,

and they're like, Jesus Christ, these people are fucking vicious. It could fuck up your fucking career. If they see that your fans are fucking racist assholes, and they fuck both of them. But you're aware. They're being closely associated with the OP&A Anthony show, that's the cost of it.

Absolutely, but it's the cost of it in In a certain degree that type of shit when you send the fans to attack but I didn't send the fans to attack it But you did the fans were attacking a Facebook and I said oh my god the fans are attacking this Facebook Yeah, but by announcing it by bringing it up in a fucking and like you should say don't do that Don't you get stopped doing that to boss as Facebook and then Sam said please everybody don't do that. Don't get, stop doing that to Vos's Facebook. And then Sam said, please everybody, don't do it. Exactly. Exactly. You are a bit of a shits.

Yeah, Sarah, you went to the IP college of shits steering. There we go. Now we're getting somewhere. I'm with Sam. Fuck that dude. Whatever, we're comics dude. I don't know.

And my Facebook by the way got trashed three days later. You'll wait 24 hours. You delete the comments and it's over But here's the thing though is that if you're trying to promote a gig or you have something going on Well, you have a steady job you get to go in and fucking make get a paycheck after the week when you're working on a bonus And you hang on let me finish and you're trying to sell tickets and in these people aren't coming to your shows Because the people that are supposed to be promoting you are basically saying don't go because he's not as funny as this guy. But you know that every regular on the ONA show has had that happen to him.

But here's the deal, it's not a good thing. I don't care, I don't care if it happens, it's just not a good thing. But it's the cost. But it's not the cost because it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be, but that's the way the ONA show is. And you guys have an audience full of own a fans. I don't I don't have the only fans that come to me Look if I have the audience full of own a fans I would have fucking I would have over a hundred thousand I never was just as many as Jimmy as opium anybody

It's not because my fans from own a are my fans the the people that like Jimmy don't all like me That's just the way it is. I will say, okay. Oh, this is the first time I've worked with you. Well, I did carolines, I guess, but I thought there was going to be a whole lot of fucking yelling out about the podcast and nonsense, but there was really not an incident. The only fans that come and see me are fucking well behaved, nice people. I just had to talk about this with Patrice all the time. He'd walk into a room and say you kick out half the fucking room.

Yeah. Dude get the fuck out. Fuck you. You're not my fan. You're your Jimmy's fan. Go. Get the fuck out. Beat it. Because it's true. I don't want that shit. Yesterday. The people what? Yesterday, somebody tweeted at me because I tweeted a fucking picture of my my baby Is guy tweeted at me another ugly ass wet back at Louis shake Not just retweeted it. I don't know if I get mad at the guy. I said oh man. We're poor to be cannot Mexican I what am I gonna do we get mad at this guy and block him? No, I don't know At least somebody's tweeting my name Look man, I think it's all personal to you. Like you take a hit, you take a hit

a lot too. Right. And I'm the same way as you though, because you know, on own a, everybody's shitting on Sam, but I got on the after show. Yeah. Everybody who calls in is like, love the show, dude. Love you. Yeah, but those are the, you don't get everybody from over that. Exactly. And then what same thing you do, I shit on your show. Never. That's why I have you on all. Yeah, but that, but I that that could be cost of having one of the guys from the show I don't because I want to give you the leg up I want to make sure that if I'm gonna be on your show. I'm not gonna I want you to I like your show I like what you do

I want all the people that like me from this show to listen to your show and vice versa That's what I think we should be doing. I'm agreeing with you. Oh, it's easy Sam to destroy What if you build this message to open and Anthony? That's about they build Everybody's talking to me like I'm the one destroying like there's not hope I have me and Jim in the room controlling an audience. I have this much control over the audience Read my I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom.

Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom.

Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I'm in the bottom. Re-mine, I. Oh, man. It's only nine days to Valentine's Day by me. Here's a deal. Oh, my news. You have a girl? I do have a girl. Sam, you have a girl. Mary. Here's the girl.

I want to, you got a girl, Lewis. No, I dumped her, right? Just in time for Valentine's Day. But go on. Yeah, but you got a baby with that real sweat-back baby. Jesus. And Joey's got a girl. Joey, as you got a girl.

Really? I'm going to go for two years, you do. Oh. Jesus. And Joey's gonna girl. Joey, as you get it? I gotta get it. Really? I've gotta go for about two years, you do. Oh. Jesus, kind of friend are you? Sorry, well you never bring it on the fucking show this weekend. That would have been awesome. Yes, she didn't come. She doesn't care for your comedy.

She proposed me to treat. Ah, I couldn't get it out. Ah, boy. Well, you guys, I wanna tell you right now. What do I do for Valentine's Day? I want you to go to Pro Flowers. I will happily. I want you to go to Pro Flowers right now. What do I do for Valentine's Day? I want you to go to Pro Flowers. I will happily. I want you to go to Pro Flowers right now.

You get a hundred blooms of love. What are a hundred blooms? And a free... What probably? First of all, shut the fuck up and don't fuck up my read. Just because you don't get them. I'm questioning what blooms are. Flowers you dumb dumb.

Nobody says a hundred blooms though. You never know. They do when they fucking send you a read, stupid. A professional says a hundred blooms. You're saying, I saw the audible you just called there. It started as dumb. It was gonna be something not dumb dumb. They do when they fucking send you a read stupid a professional says 100 blooms your man I saw the audible you just called there. It started as dumb. It was gonna be something not dumb dumb Go to audible the I mean audible Jesus Christ now you get me fucked up You get a hundred blooms and a free glass vase from my friends at pro flowers calm

That's actually 50% off which is I like those I like 50% off I don't like 10% off you go blow me. That's actually 50% off, which is, I like those. I like 50% off. I don't like 10% off. You can go blow me with 10%. Seriously. 50% off, 1999. That's all it costs. 100 blooms and a free vase. That's 100 colorful flowers.

Lewis, if you're Spanish, that's a huge bouquet, a 50% off. And for $10 more, you can get a spa kit. That's a nice little gourmet of chocolates and a bunch of other things You just need to do a punch in the word Dude did that's the code dude when you order You can order and they actually give they'll give you a delivery for valentines day, which is hard to get if you're gonna Get shit, you know that valentines day everybody forgets. I told you last week

I ordered I got tampons and raisers from my chick because I there was nothing left. I went to the the chocolate store. There was nothing. Oh, yeah, I did there's a chocolate store Bobby was just crying out of the chocolate. Sorry. There's nothing left That was pretty good That was pretty good. That was good. You know what sucks about Kelly's show throw? Me and when I even thought she smiles with that shitty Australian smile, and it still just ruins it. So here's the way to get it right now. Okay.

The only way to get it is call 1-800-PLO-PLOWERS and MENTION. And you suck at reading. Dude, shut the fuck up. Oh, you'll never be on the show again. Oh, please don't shut the fuck up, or you'll never be on the show again. Oh, please don't shut the fuck up. Please keep talking. You're the only guest that I have on that people don't like. That's not true.

I think you take it. You can just watch it. And your baby's ugly. One 800 pro flowers and mentioned dude, olgo.de.pro. Flows.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in dude. That's D-U-D-E, not D-U-U-U-U-U-U-D-E. Dude, it's not that, it's dude. One dude.

That's proflowers.com, click on the microphone and type in dude. Order now for Valentine's Day for your beautiful girl, Kelly. What? I was going to give all the listeners an update from Confession. We had last Monday with Kurt was here. Yeah about the UCB thing about getting paid You got what Joe? Oh, I'm so tired of it. I'm over it I just want to give him an update about the show. Are you taking polls on the audience on their week? How do you know? I don't know a community. I don't know. Just someone just tweeted as well to the show about it

So I thought I'd just address it. The show that Kurt was talking about, where they brought in like, you know, 1,200 bucks in the weekend and they don't pay the comics. All stand-up shows in the weekend have been canceled at UCB because they rather not pay the comics. No, they'd rather not get a fucking uprising from a bunch of open-micers.

That it doesn't actually fucking matter to them. So like, yeah, you know, we'll just stick to our business model where we make a lot of money and they'll have people bitching us. I think that's closer to it is all the comics just annoyed them so like we just won't do that anymore and we'll be fine. Well I mean what are you gonna do I like UCB I like though the was it the ones in the night show what show is that on the one side. Whiplash is fucking great it's great to work shit out but you know I'm not I'm not working in the city to fucking pay my rent some people are so I get it. Well whiplash isn't going anywhere. It's great to work shit out, but you know, I'm not working on the city to fucking pay my rent some people are so I get it Well, what plashes and going anywhere? It's not they still don't use to be east is gonna stop doing stand-up shows in the weekend

So that's it no most kind of comedy on the weekends so that so that is that bad or good? Did they fuck comics out of spots? Bummer. Yeah, I mean it's a bummer. That was a fun show to do they never booked me. I swear to god I can give a shit like I wonder why who doesn't like me They never booked me. I swear to God I can give a shit. I wonder why who doesn't like me Plant the steam Bobby dance puppet dance. Oh, I did I don't give a shit who fuck it. I don't Fuck on retweet it. Who doesn't like me? I'll bring up fucking I like that Sam got a little fucking testy there good Yeah, little testy. Yeah, you threw something at me. I threw a bank, you know, you threw a bag with a girl I didn't throw bank like a girl.

You made accusations. Wait, are you not the girl? All right. I love fucking. I love fucking too. No. You guys are quick. I got the scars to prove it.

I love you too, Bobby. He didn't finish. You started to say you love me and then he's built. Well Sam came down to show us. What do you like to do? What do you like to do? Jesus Christ. I was thinking about, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I thought it was a werewolf. Yeah. Oh. I was thinking of my dad this weekend, my real dad. And I kind of, I fucking, I got to know a little fight

with my mom. My fucking therapist maybe call her in therapy, which was of annoying too. And to put on speakers, got a sec. No, she was in a state. It was, you know, she's giving me shit about my kid's name. On Twitter. It's like, you don't have a family because they're dead,

but listen, they really are. No, I'm not. Those you listening at home, S hear Lewis's family is also way dead. Yeah, I'm not kidding I didn't even being at dick. I mean, we're being a dick. He just brought up further record your family's all that it seemed a little like a thing every guy that does he show his dad issues I know issues my dad died when I was four. I didn't remember him My mom died of cancer when I was 22. So I'm kind of over his dad had an issue of fucking his insides coming out from a stable. Oh, shit. Did he read that's really really true. He stabbed in the lower intestine. Oh boy. And the

way my mom told me this story, like, like, he had these, like, last words, like he got mugged by, like, people in the street. And then like, he was like, I love you, tell the kids. She wasn't even there. She lied about that. And he was involved in a drug deal. I found this out from my drug addict uncle. So he never said tell the kids now. Oh, I love him. Jesus, why would your uncle tell you that? Why would he tell the kids?

He's a drug addict. And be sure to clean up the houses often as well. I'm just gonna take the pins out. My car and your mom. Go to college. My dad's happy and healthy. He just says a mustache still, and I find it very annoying. It's my only issue.

I'll stick to band-Anner anytime. Give me that band-Anner. Will you pass that to him, Kate? What do we got to do on brothers? I mean, you, you, you, you, you, those are our lights. For kids. In show business, Joe, when you start working with us.

Those are the bomb relays. You have to hold them over your head every time you bomb them. Don't give that when you're in show business first of all. I mean, I'm fucking The Union Those not umbrellas there's lights behind them, but they're fucking umbrellas It's the lighting dude when they fucking take pictures. I understand that I said when did we get them? You fuck you. How are you getting your mouth so loud when it's so tiny? I didn't say Bobby made that joke a half hour ago. We play it back. I didn't say what are these? An asshole. I said when did we get them?

I'm coming show and joy get so mad so quick. Well, I don't mind being shit on but when I do you take what question? I asked when did we get these they are he's right there are umbrellas Kelly's that's telling me about being in show business Kelly's that's telling me about being in show business Been a fucking comic for three weeks And Bobby felt sad for you so you get to stand here. So my everyone call for you to the phone calls You like the fucking guy who said some shit about a tree's in me Jesus relax Two get to a personal chapter around two oh shut up I go when you get the umbrellas look at this what do you fucking what someday you'll be in show business and then Well and then I wonder why these fans attack us right you go you go you get personal you question whether or not

I mean show business well you there's a little country oh see what see where we don't say the seeward on rye cast anymore. When did you get the lights? I want to ask about the umbrellas that are covering the lights. What are these lights last week two weeks? I said when did you get these we got them for the so the photos are better. I got them for them and for the ambiance On the old. Sorry. I love you. Anyways, you got a dad. Yeah, I have a father. And you're a came from. You have fathers. Is your father black?

Keep your family. No, my father. Who's black? Your mother's black. No, my mom. There's somebody black in your family. There's no black people in my family. Who do you know that's black, Sam?

That's black people. I don't have Jewish or black people, my family. What do you have in you? It's all white European people. I mean, that's's the rest with the records They're being white people. I never say anything about it Yeah, first of all you know you have white European that's all that's for the record states you would Swedish you would have been sold back in the day

Whoa, give that bomb in in that's yeah, nobody's bigger than the big than the only person that left is a black girl on the I forgot there was a black girl. They were getting pretty racist. I slavery joking. I tied it pretty tight, I was like, I got it. I just wasn't gonna give it to you if nobody else was. Oh, thanks. I can't get it off. Can we just leave it here until the next part?

Yeah, you'll have one. It does show how much you believe in yourself. The tighter you think. I really put that on there. I got a few more bombs like that. I have a good relationship with my white dad, though. He's got a mustache like Joe's dad. It's a handlebar mustache, which is probably more annoying. Oh, that's cool. He's had it for 45 years

My dad had a mustache too I actually liked I miss I I miss my real dad. I mean we stopped talking a while ago But I started missing him I think because I'm having the kid, and I think that... Hormones. That was a good joke. I didn't even get it. I was like, yeah, Hormones, see. I don't know. I just started missing.

I just started missing. Hormones, he's pressed against all. Bobby's lactating. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And there's no, uh... Meanwhile, he's been tweeting you and you've been getting angry. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Whoa! tweeting you and you've been getting angry. Oh, look at that.

That's what we're talking about. This should be a band-in for the callback king. Boy, minute 72, we hit a stride here. I think it all started with the umbrellas. They're lights. Oh, got it. I mean, I, I, I did the math. I've lived at home, uh home under a family roof for 12 years

out of my life. Maybe give it take a, you know, 12, 11, 12 years. That's it. That's it. Under a roof with a mom and a, you know, some dad figure 12 years out of my life. That's it. That's it. The rest I've been on my own. Because at 12, I went in and out of jails and foster homes till I was 15. And then I went home. I spent a year in a rehab till I was 16, from 16 to 17 I was home kind of. And then I had to leave. I had to get the fuck out. So I was gone.

I went to another foster home until I was 18. And then I moved away. So 12 years I had a family, like a mom, a dad kind of, or just a mom, and you know dinner and fucking breakfast and all that shit That's it and you know it's some of our fucking but you've Sam you've had a father and mother your whole life forever like still Right and and Joe you have that right your parents are still around sure Yeah, and Kelly your parents are divorced, but you still have them. Yeah, I saw you father on Skype fucking cookie Australian

Kelly what you talking into the magic books I saw you father on Skype fucking cookie Australian Kelly what you talking into the magic books Oh god lie down on the bed next to it was just creepy Bobby, please head into the bedroom and guys Kelly I got some pizza. You want some pizza? What's that? It was so funny. I was so glad you got to meet him. Yeah, thanks for, I was actually funny when I was doing it. Yeah, boy. And by the way, Kelly definitely wanted some pizza.

She had a lot of pizza. Now I don't know whether it was funny or not. Yeah, it was really, we were all laughing, and I was doing it, and then Kelly would eye while my father came in. He did the same exact thing I did except less funny. And you're better at the exit. How is that possible?

So let's get to the bottom of this. was it funny when he did it or not? You have a father I do and a mother and let me tell you something guys isn't it awesome You know what happened when I was driving here my dad called me I didn't even bother to pick up I talked to him so often I need to pick up You know it's weird is I came to realization that Sam's an asshole Sam is a fucking asshole, but I love him Sam is a great asshole. He has that fucking stupid smile that twink smile on his face I found out that I never had a dad Really, and I'm never gonna have one. You know what dad and I've always I've always kind of wanted one

I've always been searching for that dude. Tell me what to do shit My whole life and now I'm gonna be a fucking dad. So it's like I gotta let go of that fucking dream of having somebody to a fucking dad. So it's like, I gotta let go of that fucking dream of having somebody to, you know, hey, dude, this, son, this is what you do. I see these movies with the dad's like, well, there's two roads you can go down, son, and my father, it's like, what? Somebody taught you how to fucking be. But being that you're proud of the way, you know, despite everything, you're able to get your life together, et cetera. Do you have to do the same thing with your kid and not pay attention to them and leave early and all that Otherwise it might not work out

Can you do me if you can you eat this bandana You can't have a question bomb. Yeah, that was that was he was really he made into a question right at the end He tried to disguise that Right made into a question right at the end. He tried to disguise that shit. Right? Right? It's almost more sad than funny, but it's like, it's so weird. I didn't have a family ever. I was out 15 years old, I was out of my house. That is not one now. Well that's the thing.

Literally I have something that fucking loves me. That can never leave, like it fucking loves me. And there's something crazy about that. I don't know. It's, well, you know, having a kid now, definitely. And I don't know. It's it's um well you know having a kid now definitely and I don't want to jinx it because it's not out yet. I don't want to fuck it up. Uh huh. Seriously. Jesus. Bob. Look man. Look I I I was in the last year a friend of my you know Marco at um Paula Jersey. That's all you guys do this right?

I'm Does anybody ever go crazy with bandana like now I can say whatever Marco from the Jersey jerks his kid came out really early. Yeah, that's fucking and everything's fine The test of fine. I think you go along and then I yeah, go just a kid But all of a sudden that just comes out and things could go fucking cell and I remember I was I was sad for I was like holy shit I hope this alright my my wife's niece kid came out Way early had had a fucking trake almost died you never know everything's going fine, and then some shit happens And I mean, I you know I want the fuck I'm praying that the kid comes out early. I mean not early

Luckily prayers don't really do anything So you don't believe in God? I don't want to get just going to be a zing and we will have movement. I mean, no, but we don't have to have a whole thing about it. How many months are you guys at? Yeah. We're at, uh, fuck, I don't know. Terrible father. 24 weeks. uh... red uh... fuck i don't know terrible father

twenty four twenty four weeks twenty four weeks uh... three feet it's not three feet long what do you know you mind that's a but that babies do come out three feet to be a foot sticking out of a pussy

i uh... i mean it's it's i just get jealous that, you know, I mean, Sam, I could, Sam is the way you are and there's certain things you can see in individual people that you had parents growing up that taught you certain things. I mean, you can tell. I'm a, you know, I'm still, I have habits. I'm reading this great book on habits right now. And it's Phoenix and him. I have habits that I do from to survivors when I was a kid. You know, when I get anxiety and I get stressed out, I fucking get tired. I want to go and curl up on a fucking ball and just go to bed and let the world just go away and then wake up and hopefully somebody took care of something. I'll snap and fucking flip out and then people will run around and I got it

I got it I got it and fix it. You know what I mean? There's certain habits that I have that I see like Sam, I'm going to get no Sam over the last year. He's fucking pretty down the road, middle guy. I mean, he, you know, and there's certain things that you see even I know you for a while too. And even Joe working with Joe this way, he's fucked up, but I have more in common with Lewis.

Raybeths. Because he's,ists because he's um here's a rapist I just heard I don't know the vibration of my ear I didn't know if that was your bomb vibrating you and I have more in common than you and Lewis Boston or comedian purpose you stepped on mine I was calling you're not a comedian you gotta go her out I I got it. We got it. Oh boy. Um. Hey, he's, he's, when you see Lewis Hall, he's on the microphone.

He's just trying to think of quickies. He's just, he's not listening. He's just thinking of quickies. I think, and we have a lot of comic, too, Joe. Ha, ha, back on the whistle. Thought you were losing white crazy I was just lost like 10 pounds in the past two weeks I don't know why he didn't I Kelly stopped trying to throw your fat jokes to me No, I Bob am I new jeans. Yeah, oh yeah, these are brand new jeans are tight as yeah

There we go cuz you fucking crutch on the team is down to nape Don't get in my head. I have to do the comedy central edition But if you get in my head about the jeans I I'm going to go up there and fucking freak out like Tom Hey, you think you think that's the brought that's what the reason that's what you're gonna bomb is the fucker jeans It's not gonna be your confidence in the lack of material Right come on bro, too real. Sorry. Hey, I was winky face But at the end of the show Robert will be there for you I like I don't know how I'm going, I, I do not want to fucking pass down the shit that

was passed down to me. The, the psychological fucking horse shit, I do not want to give that to my kid. I don't want my kid to have my rage and shitty anger. That's based in fear. You know, I don't want my kid to have any, I want to have a normal, I want to have a kid like Sam, just a fucking kid who can wear clothes like that not feel weird about it doesn't matter what other people say. Did this ever.

Beatrice got mad at me last night because I was so tired dude I right before we went to bed. It's what sons of anarchy. She's like I'll put my food in the fridge and I was just like half asleep so I grabbed the freezer meaning to grab the fridge. It's like it's what you know where the freezer's on time. I know fridge works. Did I want some some. So I grabbed the freezer, meaning to grab the fridge, it's like it's one, you know, where the freezer's on top. I know fridge works, yeah. Did I, some, some freezers are in the fucking on the bottom of the fridge. I'm not your house, my house.

I have a shitty fridge. I know you. So I grabbed the freezer by accident. I just smashed it into my face when I opened it up and I started flipping out in my house and screaming. And she was like, you're gonna like give that to the baby. You're gonna give your rage issues to the baby. You will.

I know, I will. Yeah, you will. Your baby's gonna be a fucking angry, failing, puttering comic. Oh, bro. All right, your baby's gonna be an angry puttering. Your baby's going to be a fucking angry failing Puerto Rican comic. Oh, bro. All right, your baby's going to be an angry Puerto Rican. It's not good. You're getting a gulma comic.

So then, are you trying to stop your rage issues now? I've been trying to stop that for fucking 10 years, man. Yeah. Yeah, I don't fucking like getting angry. No, I mean, my anger comes when I used to drink when I was, you know, 15, you know, 12, 13, 14, 15. That's where I got all that anger. I figured out that you get angry, rage, hurt somebody physically or psychologically, and they won't fuck with you.

That's what I learned. That's what I learned in sixth grade. I had seventh grade after me around 12 kids. I had a hide in school until around 3.30 every day for around a month and a half, and I'd look out and there'd be little kids, the kids in the bushes waiting for me. And I have to hide in the bathroom and then I'd go home. And then in seventh grade, the bullies,

I had a cast on my hand, one of the kids fucked with me and I smashed him in the face until blood was everywhere. And nobody fucked with me again. That's it. But that's not good. That is good. Let me tell you something. The only fucking lesson my mom ever taught me,

I grew up in an extremely racist neighborhood, all white trash kids. I was raised by white people and it was a white trash neighborhood and they used to play a game called Kill the Nigger. I swear to God. How's it go? It was war with guns. I want to take the bandana.

Thank you. Thank you. Actually want to take the band-in. Actually, that's the first time we've ever taken the band-in off for a group. Dude, fucking, and they would literally it was war with guns and I was a gun. I was the nigger and everybody would chase me and try to shoot. That was like the idea of the game. Where did you grow up? West Avenue, sure, in New York. Jesus. Yeah, it is. I'll say it a little bit. So my mom, these kids used to fucking throw rocks at me every day. I would come home crying and one day came home crying my mom fight She was like she was a hardcore chick and she was like, you know what? You're not gonna fucking cry anymore when I was like eight years old

She took me to fucking five kids house that day and she had me fight every single one of them one-on-one and I fucking smashed like For them then one kid did there's nothing there's nothing more pathetic than when the one the one kid It was like three years older than me just beat the piss out of me in front of my mom. I'm like, please stop hitting me. Please You're my watch that's not my watch That's what I'm doing. You just knocked on the door. Yeah, hi is little Joey here. Yeah, my son's gonna be the shit and Their parents, but you know what none of these kids ever fucked with me again. Wait with their parents They're fine. I don't know doing fucking math out back. It was a horrible neighborhood Look man.

Cut to heat loves MMA. That's true. He rages on stage if you don't laugh. It's good to MTI workers. That's a good thing. I did do that. Did I say that sorry? Yeah, that's why I'm referencing it.

These are all truly these things you guys are making up. This isn't a lock even. Yeah, like I don't want that. I'd rather have a Sam than a me. I'd rather have a kid, I'd rather have a Keith. I'd rather have a Joe. I'd never beat anybody up, believe it or not. Yeah, I'd never got to fight.

I believe it definitely, sir. But that's the thing, and you made it through life, and that will not all the way, it's something that you know. It's like 25 years old. You made it through life. You said that like he's a Suf's heir. You write that down Kelly. He used that iPad for something else

and sitting on your lap. I've almost made it to 30 though. You're right. Well you made it through the tough part of life. Adolescence. Adolescence. And you didn't get killed. My mom didn't make me beat anybody up. Yeah. Your mom didn't take you house to house. She didn't fuck anything, bro. In New Russia. I'm being up every Jewish kid. He's being these Jews. Now I grew up in the Hispanic and black section in New

Russia. Oh, you were the kid that's why you had to perm your hair. That's why you had to. Well, I'm nice and kind and thoughtful, and I grew up in an all white neighborhood. So he's vying to be white neighborhood. So. Right. He's vying to be your kid.

Have a man. Facts speak for themselves. I definitely don't want me. I don't want me. I want to definitely take a nice kid who has a shit. You're not happy with the way you grew up. But you don't want your life used to life, but you're a wonderful man.

Now you're thoughtful and kind. Successful. Sometimes you're funny from time to time. I have, yeah, look, I don't mind that part of me, but the anger and the rage and the fucking, the sensitivity, I'd like them to actually, be able to deal with you psychologically instead of physically and violently.

Yeah, but that's the thing. Or become, use people places and things like alcohol, drugs, and food, and sex to take away the pain or make you feel good or bad to reward yourself. I'd actually be able to live life and be able to have a drink. I want my kid to be able to have a scotch if he wants one. I don't want him to drink alcohol. I can't drink. I don't want him to be an overeater.

I don't want him to use What? To drink alcohol, I can't drink. I don't want him to be an overeater. I don't want him to use sex in a fucked up way. I don't want you know, like, like when I feel like shit, I want to fucking jerk off. And I'm trying to not do that. I've been trying to go, okay, I feel like shit today, I'm a little fucking lonely or depressed or paranoid about something and I'm gonna go jerk off, that I don't want to do that

Why is that a thing by the way? I thought I thought the everything until that was sure I don't understand I don't say guys feel bad after they jerk off. I don't get that whole thing I don't I don't not jerking off when you want to fucking have you know I want to fucking jerk off to this when you do it for Because of something else when I'm when I'm bummed out or sad and I know it and I want to do it for because of something else. When I'm bummed out or sad, and I do it. Yeah, I don't wanna fuck. It's the best time to do it. No, not for me.

Not for me. I like jerking off when I'm in a hotel room and I see some dirty porn or something on Twitter and oh, that's fucking hot. I wanna fucking crank one out to that. When I'm doing it for something, I don't fucking. Wait, what do you see on Twitter that makes you want to jerk off? Dude, I like girls daily. What are you out of your mind? No, I don't know. You don't follow them. It's fucking brilliant. I think that's let me see

Yeah, it's what it is well don't check it out now Jesus I haven't fucking been able to have sex in almost six weeks because my girl just had a had the baby so now I'm directing me now all I do you know I wasn't that funny Yeah, I think left on that one I take it back. I've completely fake left No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no for like opportunities to jerk off. Like, I jerked off before I got in the shower today, like in my bathroom, my girl's in the, because she's always around now. She's just breastfeeding the baby. What is that? That's fucking I like girls daily. That's on Twitter all day. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, That's what I was saying. Most people are just nuts looking to ask. They post pictures of new women. His nuts looks like an ass. He does.

He does. If I ball like that. You pulled up the one picture that's not a naked woman. It's just a cock. Yeah, dude. What's wrong with you? I don't know. What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about? You fucking is a fucking homophobic. No, I'm like, what's wrong with you, dude? Well, cock is not good. I mean, it's Jesus. Maybe you, I think. After all that talk about wanting to have a kid like Sam. He's an awful person. Yeah That's all on Twitter they post

Yeah, I'm not gonna have to delete my internet history I'm just thinking on Twitter Apparently a parrot tits like that like that one Not she's and that looks like a... Do you just jerk off the concoction? But you know there's porn video. I'm not Jack. Jack. Dude, you're talking about a guy.

A guy. Oh god, look at that. This is maybe the hardest thing I've ever seen in my life. Dude, that's a good tip. That's a good tip. That's a good tip. That's a good tip. That might have been the all-time flat tire and nobody addressed it.

What was it? You were talking about a guy. A guy. And that was the end of the thing. You kept moving. You was right though. I was talking about a guy, a guy, and that was the end of the thing. You were right though, I was talking about a guy. He was jacked in joy because he was looking at cock and balls. I like it. It's I like wild flat tire.

It's I like sex daily is what I follow. And yeah, I look at that sometimes and you fucking crank one out. But when I'm jerking off because I'm fucking, I know that I'm fucked up or I'm something happened and I'm trying to take away the pain, like, I'm not, fuck that. Just sitting it, feel like shit, feel the fucking pain and try to actually come out of it and be, you know, strong enough to go,

I feel like shit. You don't think that gave you this release and he's like, first, I believe in God. Mother don't think that gave you this release and he's like As a I believe in God mother nature whatever goofball thing you believe in you do that So the unicorn gave you a release and it's right there. I believe and you don't ever say unicorns on this show Okay, that's fucking terrible What but that's better than drinking or doing drugs to you closer. Yeah, but you how can you say that? To you a couple of years ago, if I said alcohol,

you would say alcohol's not a problem, right? No, no, I acknowledge it as a problem quite a while. Because he never jerked off in here. He scratched the car half hour later. Yeah, yeah, but drinking here, you become a city that other people have whatever. The food is same shit, food and jerking off for me. Psychologically, it's like, I'm a fucking piece of shit.

Could somebody else jerky off? Are you okay with that? A guy? Yeah, sure, just to quickly jerky off and it's like they're doing it. Oh, so it's not even like, what are you saying? You're talking about a guy?

First of all, stop cock-blocking and stop trying to bring this to your preferences, okay? You're saying that is a fucking Christian about this. Stop, stop. Sorry, sorry. No, I don't mean to be close-minded. Yeah, you're very close-minded Sometimes a guy just wants another guy to jerk him off Really, oh food. It's like we got the leader of the boy scouts over here

Bro, I was watching to jerk him off. That's why he's writing those pants Come on, bro. And here's the thing too for Valentine's day. Yeah, jerk You guys you jerk off or we do nice. Yeah, if you guys, you guys can jerk off or... What do I, if I get caught jerking off, how do I get back the love of my life when she's upset? One thing you can do is go to proflowers.com. My friends over there have hooked up a deal. I'm blooms.

For $20, 1999, that's 50% off. That means it's usually Louis 40. Well, no, not exactly. $39.98, real dickhead. 50% off that means it's usually Lewis 40 well, no not exactly 3998 But tax stupid fucking So a boat dog so Jews will love this deal. Well, dude, please what they will god dude Lewis did at 108 20 sit for where you just delete his shitty mouth It's just an asshole

You're ruining it for everybody that's your fucking show that's your life you ruin it just like your dad ruined it for you this is a point now bobby way with stuff you were talking about pull it back I was just kidding when I said I like you I think you're great buddy listen to me go to profilhowers.com and type in the word click on the microphone up on the top right side

and type in dude, dude, that's D-U-D-E, dude, and you get 50% off. That's 100 gorgeous blooms, you get a vase, and for $10 more, you get a spa kit and gourmet chocolates. That's $10 more, you get a spa kit and gourmet chocolates. This is an amazing deal So Valentine's Day is coming up really soon get your credit card and call them at 800 pro flowers and mention dude or go To pro flowers calm click on the microphone on the top right type in dude. That's pro flowers calm click on the microphone and type in dude now

For Valentine's Day order now and you have you can get flowers for guys or girls, right? You can get flowers for children. You know what? It's a great gift for little girls. Mm-hmm. Okay. Why? That just sounded weird Can you delete that whatever is fucking pedophile comments? If you have a little girl you can get a flower Fucking what the fuck is now man? I feel I feel this this show it's so funny too because I brought this stuff up and everybody's literally been against me I don't know if the show is so funny. It's been pretty good

I have to piss so yeah, hopefully you have an audition hopefully for what for God so you have to leave Yeah, put that on your microphone. Um, I don't what? Yeah, you might be taking this back I'm gonna rip it in half give it back Jesus. You guys are thrown into each other like fucking my god Yeah, I feel like this has been a fucking Pack of like of anything you brought up. Yeah, everything I put you You're just so wrong. You are dumb. It wasn't okay. It was just you guys just both especially you two you attack me.

Me and Sam now. It's the ever-napsing grease with each other. You were bringing up pictures of Dix and talking about you journal. Not that. That's what you're wrong. But the thing you're seeing worse than the other side. Well, here's the thing is that you both, it's, it's funny that you guys are both attacking me because you both have fathers. You both have families. That's how they raised us. Yeah, you they ran to belittle. It's not an attack question.

It's a exact questioning devil's advocating American, American. So you know, and God bless us. Yeah. Everyone for not me. American Americaning so And God bless us yeah, everyone for not me. No, not definitely no, I Would rather have a you I'd rather have Sam by the way when he said we're attacking Keith wait a second I'd rather have a Sam and then a you I didn't want to be his son and now I feel hard Then he doesn't want me as this one. That was the takeaway close. Yeah, but why do you want me as a son? Not not you but like you I'd rather have a have you ever looked at me like I wish that was my son I know I've wanted you on my lap Yeah, and you know what's so funny to us, I fucking hate.

I really hate the winter. I hate this fucking cold. I hate the five o'clock dark. I hate waking up at fucking dark. I hate walking. I hate everything about it. And I hate living in the fucking city in the winter. You know, if I had a home

Maybe with some space or a driveway or something. I don't know dude this fucking winter this winter is getting me fucking down You get a sun lamp. It's just Bring it up my son I asked you and what as you and What is that? As you end. That's as you end. I thought that was... You're sensitive, you're making everybody scared.

I didn't want to attack you. Yeah, you're being all fucking crazy today. Now everyone's afraid to attack you. I'm not being crazy. Why am I being crazy? You can attack me. Attack me. Attack me, Lewis.

My hands are down by my side. I wouldn't fucking do that. There's my hands being outside. Bob, you're my friend. And I won't attack you. I won't attack me. I won't oh I wonder I wonder I mean you Sam yeah going back to this you think that and Keith and I mean Do you think that doesn't bother you the shit that you get on the internet? The hate you get?

I hate it. It does at times, but I also were hard at ignoring it. But you never went home to your chicken, you know, what the fuck, I'm just trying to do, I'm just trying to make some funny, I'm trying to be entertaining. No, because he wants to still be able to get her wet, he's on a bitch. Are you trying to be funny? That's what I'm talking about, That doesn't help, does it? But anyway, I got an update for the dude that I fucking,

that I retweeted, that my son looks like a web-back. Yeah. Just now, he tweeted back at me. At the end of the day, all you guns look the same. Shrug hashtag. What's his Twitter? I'm not gonna, you want me to say,

er, it's K-E-T-A-Y-I-1, but he has an egg head. The fucking egg. Also, why are you checking your phone during the show? I mean, this is really, really, insensitive. It's here with us. It's just your spec. Oh, shit, my girl just texted me.

I forgot to tell her the landlord was coming over and he just knocked three times and walked in while she was breastfeeding. Oh, wow. It's another fucking. Knock three times on the ceiling while I'm breastfeeding. Yeah, that's fucking disturbing. That fucking makes me angry. That doesn't bother you that the fucking cocks are just walking

and your wife's tip was in a kid's mouth. I mean, yeah, I was here's the I was supposed to tell her that it was coming over and I didn't send I'm trying to avoid getting in trouble. Didn't know that we're walking. Okay, no, the fuck what building do you live in that the guy walks the fucking after three knocks? That sounds like he okayed it. It sounds like you okayed it. You said three knocks.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, and then fucking I got I forgot to tell her what you say three knocks walk in just to make sure she's Made sure you get out That's illegal you should be should yell shit through that guy. Yeah, you know what you know it

Hey, can I tell you what other people do you knock on the door and then someone That works till you fucking ass home Who's he a maid? I was keeping it's like those videos where the dude just like jerking off and the headphones on. I says, no, your apartment is not that big. One knock, what do you knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, and then just came in.

I mean, you know what it was? That's six knocks. We have an old guy across the hallway. Thank you, Joe. There's it first of all, you know, go knock. Knocking is knock. Three knocks is. No, no, no, knock. One knock is two knocks. Can we everybody knows that? Can we vote on this? We don't. con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan.

¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Sarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones lights? That's weird too. That's an umbrella. That's weird too. Why does there an old guy bringing your chick fruit fruit fruit fruit? I know I actually get angry at this old guy, but he's like old and retarded. Literally retarded. Oh god.

Is she breastfeeding when he gives her the fruit and can? No, she doesn't answer the door usually now. Is that what he's given her the fruit and can before? All right, well. Oh god. That's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, that's so, so, that's so, that's so the podcast. What did you say, knock three times and come in? That's a funny system. By the way, that knock, knock thing is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life.

When you go, listen, you don't go knock, you don't do this. You don't go knock. It's... Nobody knocks me that way. No one's that way. Are you trying to get into a secret cave underneath your fucking bookshelf? That's the way people knock me. That's the way people knock me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Who does that first of all fucking fairing out screaming and blowing the mic out your raspy shitty voice second of all? I hope Hopefully hopefully it is hopefully for the crowd in New York City. All right ready

That's this is a knock Did you really mean that that's a knock? Yes, but if you said knock three times that's a song. This is knock three times You knew it too. You know he's he's hard That is a knock. Yes, Lewis don't even get up for fucking Keith at all just make him fucking Twist himself into a yoga position to get around Jesus. I'm sorry Keith That's right you guys still talking about knocking? No, wait a minute, we're waiting for you to take a piss. Oh, boy, oh boy.

Is there any regular Coke in there? What are we doing for a regular Coke? I bring my daily game every week. What I say last week, we want Coke for you, every week, I'm a, I'm a, I'm an alcoholic. I carry the show every week. I can't get a Coke. How are you doing with that, by the way?

Great, good. Is there really no Coke in there? There's Coke's zero. There's Diet Coke and Coke's zero. That's Coke's zero. I coke in there. There's die coke coax zero from now on zero Coax zero is shit. It tastes more like coke than die from now. Look at me Kelly from now on get coke for him Okay, I'm have always have coke in there for Joe. Thanks Bobby. How long have you been sober? 38 days? Everybody I read four bucks and lost five pounds. Thank you Is it maybe a little insensitive of Lewis put in that Budweiser right in front of your face? No, I like it That's right. That's right. I've read four bucks in the last five pounds. Thank you. Is it maybe a little insensitive of Lewis putting that Budweiser right in front of your face?

No, I like it. Hey, dude, we get out of his face, honestly, bro. I mean, on the side, please. Really? Is that that little fucking self-control? Were a beer can't be in front of him? At 30 days? Yeah, maybe.

I'm sorry, yeah, maybe. I'm going to knock. I'm going to knock. Did you really say that? I'm going to knock 38 times for Joe.. I'm gonna knock. Did you really save that? I'm gonna knock 38 times for Joe. God. That time. Did you?

Coke Zero is really shit. No, it's not good. We're sponsored by them, don't do that. Wait a minute, bud. What do you do, Joe? Joe Facebook message me, he's walking up the Empire stable, and I kind of want to do this. Bobby does it, I'll do it.

Not the Empire State Building. What is it? The Penn Plaza. It's 55 flights. You're gonna raise $100, and it's $35 registration. For what? What? For what? For the American Long Association. I don't care about the charity all that much. It's probably just some cooperation that makes money off of the... I don't care about longs. I like walking up the steps.

You're gonna do it? I invited 37 comics and not one of them Yeah, what times it at fucking no nine in the morning. Yeah, we have a lot of that's out here Yeah, I got nothing. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'll do a fucking I'll do something at three Can I change it to free? Yeah, it's coming up on let me do the math. I think it's 28 years Wow But it's funny that 30 you can drink right like you can celebrate 30 with the drink. Hey, you know People and people in my family and people that have known me like, they don't stay still, don't get it. You get it.

I mean, you get it. Birthdays fun. Well, because it's actually what I was, I quit when I was 15, so it's like, dude. In my head, sometimes I do think about that. Where it's like, I'm probably fine now. Maybe. But now.

I heard a theory from a mutual friend of ours that if you started drinking, you don't drink where you were. When you were 15, you would drink where you would have been if you were drinking this entire time. Yeah, yeah, and here's the one I was 15 I couldn't go to a look store and I didn't have money I had a steal to make money and then I'd wait for a fucking buyer. Why didn't you just steal the booze? You can't steal from a liquor store where you had your mind. Who does that? You stole. Nobody stole. I. Nobody's stone. I had a dad. We discussed that. I saw from liquor stores. Are you crazy? Yeah, you're fucking put a reen doing. You run the gamut. But when he worked him all the time, I get a 15. I stole a

whole TV dinner. I was white. Yeah, at 15, he can't go into a liquor store, but is it like a bigger deal to steal from a liquor store than it is from like a door. This is his dump theory. I just went along with it because he's being nice. I used to, I used to, I used to steal people's shit in their backyards like bird baths and towels and fucking lawnmowers and fucking like you still be with lawnmowers. You know the Jesus Mary's that they have in the back like the and all this is the Mary's. I would steal that and sell it to people Wow, and I just sell power tools I'd break into garages and and steal a power tool and I'd make all that to make was around eight eight to five to ten bucks a day I say and then you'd be able to stand in front of the pack is it night you get a whatever however you know 250 was a half pint

or a pint of wild Irish rose, which was bum juice, you know, basically whiskey and wine mixed, and we get you fucking tanked at 13, I'd be fucking shit faced. That, the hard part was waiting in front of the packy at a, as a 13 year old or a 14 year old, hey dude, can you get us, you know, you know, booze and sometimes they wanted to drink, we out, drink, we,

it's like, I don't wanna fucking drink, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're weird, that's just one booze. So I kind of want to fucking drink we eat. Fuck a wink at dogs. You're weird, I just want boos. Me and some fucking 35 year old at the tracks. When I was haunted down Old Milwaukee's, when I was 17 I worked for a pizza rhea and we ran like a complete like fucking fencing ring. Like I had a friend who worked at Modell

so we would go in and me and my buddy would just, he gave us like a key that you could take off the alarm off the sneakers. So we'd walk in with bags, and we'd walk out with like 15 pairs of sneakers, and we'd sell them out of the back of the trunk, the guy that I delivered pizza with. Fucking great, do we go into the mall

and go into the wishing well, and steal people's wishes and dreams. Fucking bring it to a coin star the next day. Jesus Christ, that's terrible. I had no parents dude I stole I stole from the rich and gave to the poor no I still fucking want I still stupid shit I didn't fucking go into a fucking mall and steal dreams Remembering goonies where they were like Now dude that was like fuck your dreams. I'm going to coin store in the morning

with some wet coins. And you never, Sam, you never did that. No, I got freaked out by all that stuff. But I remember, specifically, I remember like, being like eight years old and me and my friend being on like some playground and him asking his mom for a marker. And then we just started writing curse words on the slide. then as we were driving home his mom asked us what was the marker for were you writing on stuff and we were like no she was like well I want you to

know if you were that's illegal I couldn't sleep for two days really because I just just because he's all cooked up So you I mean you never did fucked up shit you never did you drink did you do drugs? No, I never drank I've never done drugs never did drugs. No, did you rob any you never robbed anybody? You don't want to have that kind of kid No Why would you want to do this you beat up a lot? boring fucking powder You beat up a lot. Yeah. Boring.

It's like fucking powder. No. No. He's like fucking Edward Sizzeshead. He's been an addict his whole life. Bobby sits up in his chair when he knows he has a good one. He's like powder. No, I was actually, I had to sit up because I was sliding down

there like, so you've never been in trouble. No, no. Never been arrested? Never stole anything in a store. No, shoplifting. No, my friends used to see. Never stole anything of the store. No shoplift them. No, my friends used to see O'Pornomeg asians, but then they would be afraid that their moms would beat them so they'd give them to me. And I would just hide them in my house. I'd bring them home. Really? Jerk off to them. And that was it. That's so fucking crazy. You've

never, you've never got no fight. You've never, you never did drugs. You never did alcohol. He was the guy where the stuff really wasn't his. Do you have a kill squirrel and a rape a chick? No. We'll find. Okay, okay, follow me. Please, Keith, help me with this. This is the rest of the public guess.

So we covered, we're assuming we're covering all murder. All, okay, okay. I hate to not get it right on the technicality. Okay, no rape. Right. No. Any kind of any kind. Okay, no rape. Right. No. No, any kind of any kind. Any.

Any. Or counts. You have a sister? I have a sister. I didn't, I've never raped her. I've been in the world. I've been in the world. I've been in the world.

I've been in the world. I've been in the world. I've been in the world. I've been in the world. I hate to not get it right on the technicality. Okay, no rape. Right. No.

No. No. No. I've been and mom and dad and you're in the little little. I'm the red sexual activity. Are you making out or eating or pussy? Eating or just see a question. Oh, I thought he meant just in front of her going, but that is rude. No, I never got down on my sister's mom. Where was your first sexual experience, Sam?

That was three. Where or when? Where and when. My girlfriend's house. The girlfriend that you're living with now? My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- My- But dad in the umbrella the craziest thing you do was watch money night raw You were fucking a 10 so listen. I was probably like 18 or 19 18 or 19. Yeah, wow Okay, late bloomer. Okay, my girlfriend's house I don't know so what did you what what that crazy? To me it is I mean, it's a good. I think it's normal and I think it's great that you waited that wait I was a geek so you had no choice

Yeah, I was a geek. So you had no choice. Couldn't get anyone to get nervous around girls. It's almost like, I mean, it's almost like, magazines hidden underneath this mattress. Right, I didn't need women. You know, I was terrified of girls. So, no, I had no idea what to do. So, 18 of your girlfriend's house,

it's gonna happen. Is it a finger pump? Are you the first finger pop, the first sexual experience with a woman? Well, she gave me a hand job the week before really so I was like oh shit like the next weekend Where did she give you a hand job? I'm I dick Where in her room in a bench? I was probably on her bed in her inner room in her room

You're not a little bed with all kinds of stuff animals around. Yeah. Madonna poster. No, it was in 1980. 29, dude. Yeah. Sorry. That's just my. Smash mouth poster. Yeah. He was the press. Did you want to jerk himself off? I said, you got a wristy and then the next week. No, this was a wristy hang on one second call to RISD again. I want to allow key to kick you in your face Yeah, call to RISD again. You know to RISD. We stop trying to fucking slip your little slogans in you fucking whore I thought you meant sex sex. I want to fucking lighter hair on fire. So you are RISD Did you guys ever do a boomerang?

No, this was like then maybe like 16. You ever get a done G? You ever put on the Barbie so to speak? Did you ever get that's a knife? King of Roo. You call that a RISTAE? This is a RISTAE. So wait, when did you finger pop you?

You ever go out of it? Why did you give you a Vegemite? So it was like 16, probably. 16, right. And then she gave me a hand job. Right. And then during the week, I realized that the next weekend. I have to reciprocate.

Right, I was going to have to finger pop her. You had to stick your finger in her right And I didn't know how to do that. You just put your finger in it I didn't know at the time You just put your finger in the leaf You know there you would take it our temperature. I thought there was a password He was actually tasting soup Wait till she falls asleep and you put your finger in there.

Doug, everyone has to do a finger job. So you put your finger in it. Seriously, when you put... Seriously, though, Sam. Seriously, when you put your finger in it. When you put your finger in it, did you just leave it there or you move it around? No, I moved it around.

Like, fucking her? I started feeling the area in clitoral stimulation. Oh, Claire! Oh, stimulation. You know what the Clotorist was? Well it was sticking out, you know. I could feel like there was a part. She China from WWE Park is her Mephordi. What are you talking about? Why was it sticking out? Well, the dick. Oh, so the

cl- he was sticking the asshole was the pussy. Yeah, exactly. The Clotorist was the stuck in the asshole was the pussy. Yeah, exactly. Out of the Taurus was the cock, and the penis was on your dad. Right. And now it makes it, now on to key. A 16 year old girl whose Plattaurus is sticking out. She was not like sticking out, but it was there.

It wasn't like, you know, flat. You knew to get in there? I didn't find out about the Taurus til the Taurus. Her Plattaurus wasn't made of flesh. Well, it's something to rub. Like I knew there was something there that wasn't like the rest of it that I was going to try to rub it and it worked.

You just rubbed it. I got lucky. You move your finger on it when you're first figuring it out. How did you know to rub a click or is that really good on your first time? Because it was something different. I think I'm going to book. I'm going to rub this. Who told you?

Oh my God. You want to hear this? No. I do because we're on a flight. I'm like, I absolutely do want to hear this. By the way, this is what you learn when you have a death. Go ahead, Sam. I just, I was the God though. Forget it, go ahead.

I just remembered this that her mom was a sex therapist before this girl was born, her mom was like a practicing sex therapist. And like a couple of times, I guess I figured her, I must have gone down on her by this point. But we'd probably been dating for like a month and a half. And her mom noticed that, you know, we were kind of having trouble,

I guess, and ice fingers at dinner. No. But like we were getting, you guys are raffling, you guys, I'm having a good time up doing homework Because he's showing his fingers off like when chicks get their fingernails done Yeah, one of his fingernails is dead We were no we were fighting I guess like you know kids do and

She started she gave me books About how to go how to please a woman the mother gave you books on how to please Yeah, and you're dating her daughter. it was the fucking strange and I didn't even know how I didn't know how was in the books at that time I didn't know what I was doing oh I wish I fucking started to share with this it was strange you know let's start over did you did you wind up do you think possibly that the mother I mean I'm, I like where this is going. Sorry, the mother wanted to fuck you.

Do you think possibly the mother wanted to have sexual dalliances with you? Oh, that's a slowly. I don't think so, you sure? I mean, how can you be sure, but I don't think so. There's no way to know, is there? There is an okay, I've never said I don't know. Come on, Otto, I was a bit.

I was just kidding. Well, we have a surprise for you. That's the joke I meant. I did it. I was just adding onto it. Oh, yes, ending. Yeah, I was going with it. You fine.

So don't be insecure with your joke. We all laughed. I had a, I have photos. I was dating this girl, 13, 14 in Benzell in Pennsylvania. And her mom used to take, I found these photos. She used to take photos of us together. And there was a photo of me in tight sweatpants with a half mesh shirt and a construction hat on. Construction.

And looking back at him now, my mother used to hate this lady, too. I don't want you over there. My lady is a creep, but she used to take me out and buy me shit And this one I was in and out of jail a lot so like it was unbelievable that this woman would actually treat me nice And now looking back and I think the you know Yeah, you want to have sex with you and this is back when Madonna was in this was the 80s So that's where the post she used to dress her Her daughter would be dressed in like looking, except her face, but her, she had a mesh shirt on with another thing on the meat.

And the mom would dress her up like that. Yeah, we both, she'd dress us both up and take photos, but not even with like a professional camera, just like a regular camera. And she'd be like, all right, Bob, be sure she's from Brooklyn, Bob, he now, what you take the hat off and lie on the bed and start to kiss her. I'm not sure. She and I wish I I have a couple of these photos. I don't know if I have them all, but I have these photos is one I put it on my Facebook.

It's me with a construction hat on and a mess hat a mesh half shirt and tight white, tight white sweatpants. And if you look on the wall behind me, it's all like teen beat and all, you know, Matt Dylan and all these things. Wow. So fucking weird. Let's get the pictures you have and make a flipbook out of them. And then hand the banana over here. Banana banana banana. Wow. What is in this? And then give me a shotgun. And then, well, what was the first time you had sex? I was 18 also. I was really, I was like Sam and then I didn't know how to talk to chicks.

Anything like that. You guys are acting like you do now. I do. I think we know what's going on now. But yeah, I had no idea. And then when I was 18, it's dry hump in. It's a finger in. It's oral.

And then I'm having real sex. That's the year where it's like. And then once you have the first thing, you're like, oh, there is no God. I might as well have the next thing, but it wasn't even all just religious either, even though I was raised that way. It's just, I did expect I would wait until I'm married

because I was raised very religious. However, in all fairness, I didn't know how to talk to chicks, and that's the reason. First time I had a sexual experience was, and I've told this before, with this fat chick named The Blows in a rhubarb bush in South Medford, she made me, she made me pull down my pants.

I was in first grade. Made me pull down my pants and she played with my dink thing. She just played with it and made me play with her titties. Her and her friend. And I remember as dark out it went from day to night. When she's done with it, whatever a ding think is, does she mess with your cock? That's, do you have the thing?

Nobody knows where it is. So, I remember, but I went home that night. It's funny, you say religion. I went home that night and I cried because I thought God, I was raised so Catholic that I thought God, I'm in trouble. And I can't tell anybody. And I was just crying because I thought God I was raised so Catholic that I thought God I'm in trouble and I can't tell anybody and I was just crying because I thought God was gonna kill me I thought God was coming and he was gonna kill me because of what I did he thought his dink was reserved for priests and and

I was just in tears my mother comes up. What's wrong? I couldn't tell her so I was like nothing and I was cried all my long Because I thought I was going to hell. Because I let this happen. How old were you? A week later, I was in first grade. A week later, I saw the blouse, and I was sucking on a titty with me, my friend. I grabbed her upstairs, and I was just, he had one big fat mushy tit,

and I had the other one, we were just sucking on, like little lambs, like that. And then, that's where my sexual, that's where I got fucked up sexually. I think when you wait to your 18 or 16 or whatever, you have some type of sense of what sex is and that it's not bad and it's okay. Because everybody's having it except for you.

Yeah. Well, that, hey, and now, I mean, it is, but I think having it at young at that age, when you don't know what religion is, but I think having it young at that age when you're, you don't know what religion is, you don't know what the fuck you're doing and sex is bad, bad, bad, bad, and then you do it and all of a sudden you're ding-ding and this, you know, I didn't have stuff coming out of it and I'm having somebody play with it, it was fucked. But when you hear other stories, do you feel this way, Sam, where we didn't, at least me, you know, I'm not having sex for the longest time, and you don't know what else other people

are doing, then you hear stories like Bobby's and other people and they're in their friends, we're jerking off when they were kids, you and your buddy was sucking on a woman's tits together. They're gonna say sucking each other's cocks, I'm like, yeah, you know. Right, but I mean, it seems like it's either us waited till you're 18 or this was something

the bottery going on when you guys were in grade school or something. Yeah, I mean, there's no middle ground. Yeah, he was one year old We waited to 18 right and nobody has in between stories Lewis has to go right now because he's uncomfortable with this I don't know what all this dink dink talk is really good Did I almost had an opportunity when I was eight to fuck a chick my my sisters a few years older than me So me and the fuck the sister? What? Me and the shit of our friend, Serellis.

We found a penthouse magazine in the woods. That's a white name. No, it was a Puerto Rican chick. I... Jesus. Oh, man. Do I hate it back here? No, I said I could do a shudder. Shudders?

Can you be metting me because I don't understand your fucking joke, bro? So, uh... What? Wow. Oh, my head falls on. How are you? I'm beginning it out of here. So good.

I fucking, we found this penis magazine. And we're looking through it and fucking like, I'm a young kid. She's like three years older than me. And she goes, she's like, hey, wouldn't be cool if we fucked. And I just acted like I didn't hear. Like, was it nervous? Little fucking kid. I was like, hey, look birds.

And yeah, that was it. Wow. Well, you got a lot of leave. So you take the band and it was you. Yeah, fuck me. Good, good, good, good luck with whatever you're auditioning for. Yeah, good luck. Lewis, thanks for coming, buddy.

Lewis, Jay Gomez. What's your Twitter? Real quick at Lewis, Jay Gomez and Hammer Fisting Hammer Fisting podcast. I'm a podcast in the world. This week they have a very special guest on Caesar Gracie, who was a fucking dick. Wow, Cesar Gracie is on Hammer Fishing this week. So if you guys like MMA make sure

you go to ridecast.com check out his podcast. It's one of the funniest and most ridiculously fucking cool MMA podcasts out there. So check them out. My problem with MMA, I really can't get into the, I guess, I guess the art of it, the grappling. I need fists and elbows to the face. And I get how a real fight works and what takes forever. Yeah, but that's happening now. As MMA evolves and the fighters, you know, a couple of years, you know, 10 years ago,

you had guys that were wrestlers that had to learn boxing and jiu-jitsu. A jiu-jitsu guys had to learn wrestling in boxing. Now these kids are coming up for the last 10 years learning everything. Stand up, wrestling, Jiu-Jitsu, Muay Thai, they have everything in their repertoire and that's how they train. It's not like you're training karate or you're training MMA and now that they're coming up, you're seeing the people using elbows as almost like a fist.

People are knocking people out with elbows and kicks and you got certain guys that are young and the next generation that are coming up, you know, you know, Pettus did a fucking flying knee off the cage. Grab ran on the cage up the side of it, grab the guys head and knee them. I mean, crazy shit started that happened now. So, you know, where we, now you'll start to see more of the knockouts

and the crazy shit happen. But I like the actual chess match of seeing some guy on the bottom, where you should, you guys should be able to get on top of you and punch you the fuck out. But for some reason, you got his leg and then you get his arm and you Swip your hip out a little bit and punch him in the face. So he goes this way and then you punch him on the other side And he goes that way and that gives you the the angle that you can that shit's crazy picture

You're watching like a still on movie and they're grappling for a 10 minutes You're like all right still. Oh, that's why you have movies so you don't have to fucking watch it But I think MMA is definitely evolving into is better than boxing. You watch fucking hit punch punch punch punch. Nobody goes down 12 rounds. Who the fuck won? I don't give a shit. It's boxing rigged like wrestling almost. I don't know. Oh boxing wrestling is not rigged. It's just you know, it's not sport. It's it. It's he's the wrestling king. He brought actually who'd you bring down to the

show? Josh Matthews. Great guy. Yeah. Came down to my show this weekend. Smackdown commentator. Yeah. Um, wrestling is he's the one that was a teacher, right? Is that him? No, no, no, match striker. Yeah. me. Yeah, yeah, it's wrestling is not a sport. It is, they're athletes. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, it's not a sport. They're athletes. No, no, I mean, I don't consider it a sport. There's nothing sport.

But they're definitely athletes. They are athletes. You'll be able to do that. They're athletic. They're athletic. Right, they're not athletes, they're athletic. I would say they're athletes. No, they're athletes.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because what they do to athletic No, dude their athletes. I would say they're athletes. Yeah, you don't have to be playing a sport to be an athlete Yeah That seems like nonsense to me athletic is an adjective described in their athletic with their athletes They're not here and you have to debate with him How's that? Yeah, I'll say he's athletic. And he'll go, I'm an athlete.

And then I'll teach you in the face. I don't know if he will say that. He'll fake punch me in the face. And then I'll real punch him in the face. And that'll blow its mind. I guess I just meant his boxing break. I don't think so. I mean, I do think so. Yeah, I take them back. I do think just meant his boxing break. I don't think so. I mean, I, I, I take the, I do think so.

Yeah, I take the back. I do think it's been rigged. I don't think it's rigged all the time. But yeah, I mean, look at the people involved. I mean, it's fucking Don King. What a fucking right. You can't get any shadier. And I murder.

He's what? He's a murder guy. Yeah, but that was a long time ago. No, I like that. I like that. I like that you think he's a piece of shit and he's not trustworthy But him murdering someone has nothing to do with it. Do we have to do we have to do the ad again? What you just have to do it once every once every hour. Oh Shit I did it twice

We do a third flower commercial I'm quitting Prof. Flowers is a friend of the show all right, but three in an episode I'm good. I'm lips just of the show. All right. No, but three in an episode. I'm like, God, my lips just touched the microphone. I might kill myself. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's physically impossible for your lips. I wouldn't touch anything. It is funny how people let things go.

Like if Joe was a murderer at any age, we wouldn't let it go. I would. You would like it? You're very mature. I would bet. I'm mature in some ways. If you insult me on Twitter and you really mean, I will never let that go. I would I'm sure some ways if you're if you insult me on Twitter. Yeah, really me. I will never let that go I would never let but if you abuse multiple women and murdered somebody. That's yeah, that's for years ago. I People grow

You know, yeah, but how you don't know that you don't know the circumstances. I wasn't there right you weren't You don't know what happened. I don't know the circumstances Look at I think it was something that took a life. Let me, let me look it up. Look it up. I think it's self-defense. No, I don't think it was. I don't think it was. I think he killed a guy in a ring.

I think he was boxing. Don King was. No, no, no. I think he bit the shit out of a guy in Ali and killed him. Yeah. He served time. But he was being robbed of his pocket watch. I don't know.

I'm glad you came with the facts. It's a very American story. Robert's like, I don't know. And there's no way to It's a very American story. It seems Robert's like I don't know and there's no way to know There we compete you. That's the truth That's what I'm saying. I think you're gonna be wrong. I am good because I get a chance to know what kind of sniff Kelly Right elbows can be used this fist. I say yeah, I All right, Albo's gonna be used this fist. I say yeah, I I'm a big fit. I'm getting back into wrestling again. I yeah, rock son TV. I kind of got back into it would now I like the

I like The who's the three guys? What does the shield? I kind of liked it. It's kind of stupid But I like them and Paul Heyman Paul Heyman suckin me back in. I mean, a lot of it, to say it's kind of stupid, it's like, I feel like that's a great, that's a given. Yeah, you can't say wrestling stupid. Yeah, we get it. That's why I like it, because it's fucking understood. Yeah, we get that. But it's not as stupid as the reality of fucking

snooki and J.W.O.L. That's stupid, because that's real. But I get that. But then what happens when they guest host, it's gonna, you're gonna be like upset. But snook that. But then what happens when they guest host, it's going to, you're going to be like, I'm sad. But no, he did have a WrestleMania. She did. Didn't they're fucking cool show at WrestleMania? I don't think so at some point. I'm sure it did, but she should have done it when she was pregnant and the baby could have shot

out. Yeah. Fuck. And and and Cena could have caught it and went, you can't see me. Why did he talk like Mike Tyson? I don't know.. That was a baby Oh, oh, this is this is a great time to plug the ultimate warrior Joe he had you seen his video Oh, it's one of the funny things on my website comedian Jo list I made a video called the ultimate warrior with an O. Oh, it's a warrior dude. It's me dresses the ultimate warrior worrying about things Pat Dixon is also fucking the ultimate warrior worrying about things. Pat Kitson is also fucking hilarious dude. I want to see it. It's fucking hilarious. It's almost viral. I have 389 hits. He should have more than that. It's him. His roommate keeps walking by. Are you mad at me? He's in

the fridge. He's dressed like the other. Is he mad? You cool man? Yeah. Oh, dude. Check that out. Um, I think with Don King king he actually killed two different people in two separate Incidences, we don't know what happened in both big sounds of fans Cleveland and then Kelly goes, oh yeah, we do hold on It's like yeah, we don't anyways Let's go. Okay, actually with that wig you look a little bit like don king Yeah, I would go change. I've met dark king and Cleveland Well, you could have told us that if your friends fogged.

You didn't even ask him what happened. He just thinks he really does smelly. He's very hot and sweaty. Oh, really? That denim jacket on everywhere. God, it was hot. I remember getting the photo and it just smelled. You know, sorry.

You know something's amiss when you become a billionaire and don't move out of Cleveland. That seems like something. Did he lose all his money? He stole a lot of trash and license. Yeah, he does, he's not a fucking, he's not a multi-millionaire anymore now. Now he's promoting very small venues too. He still promotes it the way he used to, but he's an old guy. He's trying to, you know, he's that's a fucking

That's what kills me with this fucking life that we're doing. Is that a murder and a white beater has the struggle hard? He's not a beat his wife. That's a fucking accusation. He never beat his wife. All right, just getting you to okay the murder. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he,

he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, that was a different time. Oh, different time The good old days the second murder he was found guilty of killing a guy by He stomped and employee to death That's not accidental That's American history x-like you know many times I wanted to stop your fucking Australian head because you didn't listen fucking Australian head because you didn't listen. Man, job zone roses and whiskers and kittens.

Wish me happy when she does that. Who knew the podcast hinged on Lewis' presence? Really? It took a dive here. He's talking about wrestling, man, because wrestling, if you lose half the room. I, I, I, what? Do you say Leslie?

No, I said, you lose half the room, because half, there's always people that do and love it and don't love it. When have you talked about wrestling? People zone out. Oh, well, you got them back. Yeah. Very Kelly.

Anyways, we're going to wrap this up anyways. Keith, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. I appreciate it. And Sam, I know you guys, we learned a lot today. I hope so. We learned that the guys on the internet, maybe they're not, maybe they're just fans. Maybe they're just, they're still assholes. Shut the fuck up.

Maybe it's now, we do the fun of all this on the show. Oh, I didn't realize. No, you think it's singer. Sam, you can do whatever you want because when you're on the Bob and Sam show, this is the Bob and Jam show. This is the Bob and Jam show. Well, when you're on it, yeah, Bob and Sam, and when I'm on the, the serious, it's the Bob and Sam show.

So you can chime in. You don't have to. That's my show. No, that's our show. I don't get the top billing on my. Do you know people really like us together? I know. I've been told, this is the only time I get compliments at work.

I've been doing shows for eight years. And you come in with who kid and a boss finally comes out to me. You guys are great together. Yeah, well, you've never said I've been, I was good. You are good, but you're better with someone who's funny or entertaining. Which is why I take up billing every fucking what they call you is a button pusher listen We wouldn't be on the air with that you're buddy making red Like he's make a friend So yeah, we learned that you you didn't you weren't the culprit of the Facebook thing No, I really wanted to get into that with you, but am for and we also learned Yeah, if I had as much power

as people give me credit for, the audience wouldn't hate me, would they? Look at, I think the audience, you think you're right. It's set up to fucking hate. Right, that's what it is. I think I set it on that show. This show kills dreams. Right.

But that's what I like doing this show. Well, I like doing all the shows. I mean, look, I love doing on it, but it does have it's, you are opening yourself up to attacks. And the after show people don't attack. After show people are real great. I mean, all the fucking tweet,

it's a fucking different animal. It is. It's like, you're on that show and you don't know what the fuck you're gonna get. You have to walk home and make sure, you know, someone doesn't come up behind you and fucking just club you and fucking club you right, but you'll show it's like it's like dude you great I know we sit there with a cell phone camera. Yeah, mailed up. Yeah

But I'm bleeding out Sam your show is on every day after the own a show From 10 to 11 not Sam.com has everything. Not Sam.com, one of my favorite shows I love. I went in last week just to do your show. You should do it like all the time. Could I come in tomorrow? Yeah.

No, Wednesdays I don't do a show. Why? Because Jimmy does his, yeah. Right. Don't have a fucking, what we, what we're doing right now. This is kind of, you're fucking with the chemistry. This is, this is the Bob and Sam chemistry. Yeah, and you're fucking with it Bobby doesn't know the answer no one

I had to make sure you check out a show's except Wednesdays, but check out Jimmy show on Wednesday I actually like Jimmy show. It's pretty funny And it's serious advice. He gives sir. I mean you think it's gonna be I mean he does fuck around But he gives serious advice to these fucking idiots call up and it's not bad advice for that fucking cock sucker I like the show so check that out and of course check out Keith and the girl I mean you guys around how many days you're on five days a week five days Monday through Friday what time? We do it genuinely genuinely regularly We're genuinely doing it at verbs

Usually the best of just didn't know you're doing it usually it's 4 p. It's 4 p.m. Every day But it's a podcast so go to a Keith and the girl night to install it and you can download it You can check it out live from 4 to when whenever 4 5 6 so you do it an hour or maybe two at least an hour At least an hour every day from 4 to something. Yes, And it's a video. Do you have video? You can see us live. You can see us live, but the podcast isn't big. I've been to the studio. It's a great studio. And I've done the show twice. And both times it's a blast. I love it because it goes away. We have fun. We joke around, but it also is very conversational. And you talk about shit, you don't think you talk about or you go places where you really wouldn't really go

on a fucking podcast, especially being a comic. It's always how did you get started? How did you be finding it? Who do you think's funny? And we, both times have been on. And, you know, of course, the girl, Gemina is fucking awesome. She's fucking really, you guys together,

a really good fit, because you're a fucking lunatic like me, and she can really pull stuff out of you. She can really, her, she's got this weird presence about her that you just start talking, and yeah, I was molested, and I start, I start to cock, I did, I did. But it's a great show, check it it out give the website one more time Keith and the girl calm KATG calm. Yeah and

Joe list Bob Great job this weekend. Oh, thanks all you cock suckers that came out I had a lot of fans why KWD fans come out and they saw us this weekend so yeah If the Schumer thing happens again, that's where it's done, but. Yeah, he was supposed to middle, and then Schumer asked, she needed to do some time, and then she was like, do you mind?

And I was like, yeah, what am I gonna say? No, I love Amy. So she bumped Joe Redo in that spot. Can I say something about Amy? That she might not, maybe I shouldn't say it. I don't know if I shouldn't. I think you should. You could.

I will say, she gave me all of her money for the week. She left it for me. What? Yeah, it was one of the most lucrative weekends of my life because there's no travel. So you made fucking, you made $300. You made $300 this weekend? I get it.

That's, let me tell you something. It was a first class. Yeah, I don't know, maybe she doesn't want me to say that on the air, but probably didn't too late. I mean, probably wanted to keep that karma in a bottle and maybe not. Now you released it in the air, she won't get to it. Well, she's a she's a she can't tell people. So I figured I would.

Yeah, no, that's fucking great. Amy's a great, great, great girl, man. And she's hilarious. You know, her new show's coming out on Comedy Central. I can't wait. It's fucking funny. I've seen, I can't wait, it's fucking funny. I've seen, I saw the pilot and it was fucking funny, man. I'm glad that Comedy Central is actually

putting something like that out again. It's kind of, it's not like the Chappelle show, but it's, you know, sketches, man on the street, and stand up. I can't wait to see it. She's gonna be a huge star. Huge star. So, but Joe, what's're uh... what's your website what

you're uh... twitter comedian joe list dot com and my my girlfriend just did added a bunch of videos and dates and stuff she's a sweetheart so check out the website go lose website he's got hilarious videos out and he's he's a killer man he fucking killed he's of one of the funniest guys out there right now hopefully i'm gonna uh... bring him on on me, bring him with me to Boston, and maybe to Levity Live. I wanna work together again, dude. Yeah, for sure.

Absolutely. Kelly, what do you got? I got the right cast show on the February 26th at 8.30, where you self-bub will be on it, and Bonimit Kylan, Rich Voss, Jim Florentine. Yep. We just added Dave, Eastside Dave, is gonna be on it, and Bailey J is gonna be down there too with with her husband Matt

So so pretty much the whole riot cast team is gonna be down. It's gonna be great. Where is it? It's up a stand in New York City. So go to the stand and why say calm and get some tickets get them now because it's gonna be done It's a small club. Yeah, he's gonna stand up Eastside Dave. He's gonna be doing stand up that night. That's awesome. So you should come down. I will, I wanna see it. It's gonna be fucking hilarious. Yeah, but he's never done stand up.

Yeah, but I'm doing stand up too. So that'd be a good reason to come down. You've done it before. Listen, no, no, I know, I know, I know. You guys Eastside Dave with a microphone on stage, he's gonna burn the club down. He's gonna be very interesting. Let's just say that.

I've seen what he's, I've seen a little bit of it. So it's gonna be, if you're affecting the Gigi Allen of comedy, if you're a fan of fucking Eastside Dave, get the fuck, get your tickets now. Cause it's definitely gonna sell out. What else? And you can follow me on Twitter at KELYFSTUCA. And don't forget to follow the podcast,

Twitter handles Thank you and back to you Bob. All right, um, and Linda what are you gonna? You can Pretty I know she is so adorable. I don't know why she grabbed the mic. Can you let her just plug please and sexy is what you're looking for You can check out my new Facebook which is Linda Turley photography That's great. She takes her and Phil take most of the photos here in their End videos and we don't trash her Facebook, right Sam? No, Sam see why would you bring it up? That's what you were saying No, we're saying we don't do it. Don't do it. Say oh I say that you're like oh, he's stirring the shit. He's being sarcastic. Why can't I be genuine?

Because I'm we're trying to help you man. Don't do it We're trying to help you if I say that right now you'll be like always fuck. He's at it again Well, because you would do I'm not gonna say it but you might have I'm not gonna say anything about anybody's anything Perfect. Why can't we listen what I suggest we all Fucking be nice to each other. Can we do that? Well, you look at me like I stopped anybody from doing it. Just be nice. We don't have to be mean to be successful. Let's always cancer on someone today.

I did not. You did absolutely. I prove it. Prove it. Unless you fix something imposed, I will. Prove it. And prove Don Keen killed somebody while you're at it. robertkelylive.com for all my comedy dates.

Go to my the app store on iTunes, get my award winning comedy app, Robert Kelly live, for all my dates, podcast and soundboard. Make sure you check that out. And get the Riot Cast app for free for iPad and iPhone Android is coming soon. We are working on it right now. I've seen a version of it already.

It's coming up very soon. So make sure you get the iPhone and iPad app It's 12 of the funniest most interesting podcasts out there all on one app for free apps a fucking lootly free That's it 12 shows and we're gonna be doing the comedy show at the stand makes you check that out and we got the competition that we put out there So I did an ad make sure if you got your fan of the show, prove it, video, song, whatever, send it to us, ykwd at ryecast.com, ykwd at ryecast.com, send a video song, whatever the fuck it is to us. And whoever wins, we get two prize packs. One has a Yeti microphone, the other one has a thing you fuck, what is it called?

A flashlight. A flashlight, T-shirts, books, bandilayer, both have bandilaires, they're really cool prize packs. You win them, the competition ends in two weeks. So if you're a fan of the show, whatever the fuck you wanna do, anything, we don't give a shit, stand it, then make it and paint a YKWD over your junk

and make the, you dick the Y. It's all about the cocks again, huh? Let's go back. Let's go back. Well, whatever it is. And send it to us at YKWD at riotcast.com. Any questions, any critiques? Not critiques. Fuck you. If you don't, fuck you. Hold your critiques. I don't want to hear it. This is free. When you start paying money for this, then you can send your critiques. I don't want to hear it. This is free when you start paying money for this Then you can send you critiques on Yelp. You're not fucking you're not critiquing us as long as you're fucking paying nothing But if you have any any good things you want to say please Please send it to us at ykwd at right cast calm. What else anything? No, just get your show is in front of me that

On my shows will read a couple of them. Um, helium Kelly, comedy club. Oh, check it out. I'm coming back to Philly. All you clock suckers. Here's the deal. I haven't been back to Philly in fucking three years because last time I was there, not that many people showed up. I come back when people show when people don't show I don't get to come back. That's one of the best clubs. There is ever He's saying that Bobby can't sell tickets at helium. What no, he said it's a fucking great. I'm saying go to the fucking show The club's unbelievable show buy you tickets now hear this go to helium calm get your fucking tickets now Get my app you can buy him right there get the tickets to Philly I'm excited to be going back to Philly. What else?

That's the only shows I have You know I go to my website. Oh god. I wish you a robot at reprogram you I take your Australian chip out and Fuckin step on it. She was a robot. I dumped a dump water on her right now Nothing I'm ending on a bomb? Can we keep it going? If you have any questions or constructive criticism or suggestions for the YKWD podcast, please send them to YKWD at ricast.com. Those emails go directly to us.

We look at them all. So if you have, you know, some titty picks, if you're a wife or girlfriend or a picture of your own vagina, please send them to ykwd at riotcast.com. We look at them all, we take all your suggestions to heart, and we try to implement them. Not really, but we do like the email. So any guest suggestions, anybody you want to see on the show, all that shit, ykwd at riotcast.com. Make sure you support our sponsors, Amazon and Gamefly. Amazon, go to riotcast.com, click on the know what dude. Podcast page, there's an Amazon link, click on it,

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So go and support the other shows, tell your friends about it, spread the word. This is the fucking most amazing podcast network. So if you love my show, go support the other shows. Okay, go and check them out. Riotcast.com app for iPhone and iPad, Android is coming soon, get Stitcher if you have an Android phone, or just go to Riotcast.com and go to iTunes, subscribe to my show and the other shows and leave a review. You don't understand that this shit's free and that helps a lot. You keep us in the top 100, maybe get us to the top 20, I don't know, maybe the top 10

and that's when other people see that and they check out the show and it feeds itself. That's how that works. So, please review iTunes and make sure you subscribe. Spread the word. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much. You are so beautiful. To me. I'm stuck in your stinkin' stinkin' stinkin' You know what I'm deady? I'm stuck in your mind, I'm blindy blindy blindy You know what I'm just gonna stick it.

Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face.