Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Podcast 4

Episode Date: May 21, 2010

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Yeah, what's up? It's Robert Kelly back doing another podcast. So check it out, man. I'm in Louisville right now. I'm in my hotel room. Fucking hotel. Fucking'm in my hotel room fucking hotel fucking built in 1905. I heard this ghost and I heard this tunnels underneath. I'm gonna try to check out this week. I'm a big fan of fucking tunnels and ghosts because I'm a

fucking pussy. So I don't know if anybody's from Louisville that's gonna listen to this but if you know of this fucking tunnel shit I'm gonna leave this hotel email me because I'm gonna do it this weekend. I'm gonna try to do it Saturday Sunday See if I can check it out and if you want to come down and fucking do some tunnels with me because I'm a pussy I don't want to do it by myself. I'm afraid and Maybe I'm gonna videotape the shit. But anyways, I'm in Louisville this week at the improv. Hilarious. Fucking last night. Unfuckin' believable.

You know, I, I, I, I, I, Dallas, the last podcast I did was in Dallas and, you know, fucking craziness. But last night, I don't know if I'm getting old or what, or I used to deal with this shit, or I used to fucking just smash last night I don't know if I'm getting old or what or I used to deal with this shit Or I used to fucking just smash people. I don't know what the fucking what but it seems like more people are coming to these fucking shows Not even drunk or in a fucking you know buzzing just shit-faced and these people can't handle their fucking alcohol and they just talk last night girl in the show Rape talking I didn't even talk to her, but every time I see you wanted me to fucking engage her She wanted me to talk to her. She was so shit faced and I wouldn't I ignored her the whole fucking night Because the people I do talk to at fucking shows

Are fucking I'm not I'm not fucking with you I'm talking to you like well you know I'm asking a question or whatever and this bitch I mean she it got so bad she knew I was ignoring her so bad she took a chair and moved it up to the front row and sat like there was a two-top with a couple there and sat almost with this couple and she was like now now I now you can talk to me she said something and sat like there was a two-top with a couple there and sat almost with this couple. And she was like, now, now you can talk to me. She said something shit like that. It's like, I don't even, where the fuck does that happen?

What fucking show, live show, does a fucking person can take their chair and just move it to the front row? Duff, it's not general seating bitch. And she sat and I was like, fuck you. I'm not even fucking doing it. It was crazy, man. It was fucking crazy. I didn't want to fucking deal with it because this bitch, and she's studying to be a doctor. That's what somebody told me. It's like, really? Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuck you in your alcohol. If you can't handle your booze, you're a fucking loser.

You're a fucking pussy. Really. Dush bags. What a fucking cut. I didn't even deal with it. I just told her to beat it. And she actually got mad. She got mad at me because I told her to fucking beat it. And I wasn't gonna give her the attention she wanted.

I don't know, dude. It's like you fucking smash these cons and they crying a hallway next to an ATM or you don't and they're fucking, they get mad too. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. So she got kicked out or she left, I don't know. But, you know, God damn it, dude.

People come to comedy shows to get shit face now. I'm fucking believable. I wish the crowd who did fucking pay or is having a good time would stand up and go fuck you and get them out. So I didn't have to fucking do it. I wish the fucking clubs had bouncer's that were fucking crazy mean motherfuckers that would just tap people. Like the comedy seller, you know, if you fucking, if you talk once you get a warning, twice you get the fuck, you get the boot which I love. And they don't have a check spot at the comedy seller. You have a ticket, you get a ticket, you can't leave without a fucking stamp receipt.

I wish all comedy clubs did that shit too, because they still do the check spot, which is hilarious. There's no need for do the check spot which is hilarious. There's no need for a fucking check spot. There's no need in the middle of the fucking guy you paid to come and do an hour of material. There's no need to drop a fucking check. And not just drop one, all of them. Drop them all at the same time. Boom. Drop them. And fucking let this comic have to deal with the whole room, paying a bill. I mean, you've worked fucking 45 minutes to get the crowd where you want them to fucking deal with it. And now you, the whole place shuts down because they got a fucking do math. Fucking, amen.

Just give everybody a fucking ticket. You don't leave the room without a ticket. And the only way you get a ticket is if you fucking pay your bill. That's it. But they don't want to fucking do that. So the chequespot last night was a fucking mess. But this club was actually cool. The two managers running it a pretty on point

They had their hands full last night, so I got to give him credit. They were they were fucking pretty cool Bob Captain Bob and Sarah who is the the manager at this club is the fucking Wow hottest girl. I mean she's the prettiest fucking manager ever. I mean I actually got nervous. She came over last night and I bowed my head. I didn't know she's fucking gorgeous. But anyways, so last night's show was good. I'm here all week, so pass the word. I don't know who the fuck is from Louisville that I know. But last night was fucking a little crazy.

It was pretty good for the most part. And then it got a little crazy. It was pretty good for the most part. And then it got a little crazy. And I want to thank all you cock suckers that came down to Staten Island. And thank all and a man. I was, the guys let me come in four days in a row to promote that Staten Island show. And it was, it was, it was, it looked man.

It wasn't packed. You know, I busted my ass to sell tickets to that show. The club is new. I heard everybody doing that club is having a hard time selling tickets to it. It's one of the most beautiful comedy clubs I've ever worked. I love that it's fucking literally a half hour out of my, out of where I live. I hope that club is successful and people pass the word and spread the word about it because it is a

really cool place but I want to thank all you motherfuckers that did show up. Those are two of the funnest fucking shows I've had in a while. Why? Because you came to see me. Everybody there paid and fucking was there to see me. I don't give a fuck if it was 400 people or 100 and fucking 10 people you guys those are two of the fucking funnest shows I've had in a while you guys are great crowds I fucking really appreciate you guys showing up it means a lot that you guys because and I want to thank Anthony and you know opian Anthony and Jim and all that for fucking let me plug it all week.

Because I had a blast on ONA. ONA last week was a fucking blast. It was awesome. Fucking cherry dots was the most grossest thing I've ever seen in my life. Bobo's asshole still haunts my dreams. But it was really fucking good time. And then the show, the show Saturday night was fucking awesome, awesome, great, great, it was cool meeting all your motherfuckers still. And I hope you guys had a good time. It seemed like you guys did. Let me go ahead and blast.

So anyways, that other way, that was awesome. I'm in Louisville this week. Last night was a little fucking rough. I'm gonna bring my flip camp tonight. And if anything starts, I'm gonna just fucking hit my flip camp and record it, Wallam on stage. But, and I'm gonna do some fucking tunnels here, man. I heard this fucking hotel has tunnels.

So if you guys are fucking here, if you live in Lue and you know what, I heard this tunnel is under my hotel, which I want to check out. Fucking who knows man. Fucking who knows. I heard there's some creepy haunted tunnels. This hotel I'm staying in is 100 and fucking five years old. And I'm gonna see if I can do that. Cause you know, there's two things I'm afraid of ghosts and I'm a pussy. And I fucking, I'm scared of tunnels. So fuck it, let's do it.

What else I got here? You know, I mean, I get a couple fucking emails, man, from people, actually Twitter. What the fuck happened to Myspace first of all? Can we talk about that? Is there fuck, what the fuck happened to my, I just said, can we talk about that? Like I'm on a real radio show and there's other people.

Oh, there's actually people listening to this one. Myspace is fucking dead, man. Wow, is it fucking dead? I mean, I used to, I mean, that was the king. That was the only fucking motherfucker on the block. And now, hey, let me shut that off. Let's see it, man. Now it's fucking, God damn it, man.

Nothing. Now I don't ever go to this fuck. I don't ever go to this fuck I don't ever go to this thing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever to I go to my space anymore and you know I mean comedy my space was getting fucking retarded really because Jesus Christ I mean look I'll go to it right now comedy my space I bet it's all the same motherfuckers yep of course Gabriel and glaciers yep Greg fucking brin I don't know the fuck I don't know who the fuck he is um Mazge brani who I love I love Mazge he's awesome man but these are all fucking improv guys

look it's fucking Gabriel over again the improv the the improvs run this thing which uh I mean of course why would they not? I mean, look at the improv. At improv, all right, improv, tall glass, right? Where is he? He's up here. Harlem Williams is up here. Eric Schwartz is up here.

Jeff Dunham is up here. Like, he's playing a fucking improv. I'm actually playing one of their clubs and they don't even fucking promote me up here, which is hilarious. Fucking great. That's fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome.

Great, great, great, great, great, great. Yep. Yeah. Wow, what are you gonna do? Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Here we go. World-famous improv.

Henry Cho. John Panette. What happened to Pablo Francisco? Anyways, man, my space is fucking dead, man. Jesus Christ. What did they do? Look, I'm clicking out of it going back to Twitter right now. Fuck that goddamn thing.

Here we go, man. Yeah, this, this, uh, this mother fucker right this week is going to be awesome. Can't wait. Yeah. There's a guy who didn't even know I was in fucking Louisville. What? How do you not know? I get that all the time. Anytime I'm in a place, it's like, when are you coming here? When are you coming here, please come to Ohio, I was just in fuckin' Ohio. I was just there and I'm coming back, Columbus, I'm coming. When are you going to fuckin' Boston, I'm July.

Look it, do me a favor if you're listening to this. If you hear this, if you hear somebody even talking about this, go to my website and there's fucking a million, I have every social networking thing possible to let you know. And the only reason I have these things is to let you motherfuckers know when I'm doing a show. That's what I love too. People do, all you do is plug dates on your Twitter. You never say anything funny. Are you fucking stupid? I'm not a professional Twitter person. I don't write jokes for Twitter. You motherfucker. I use Twitter to fucking let you know where I'm at.

Occasionally, I'm fucking funny. Sometimes I do some goofy shit, or I'll put a photo up. But I'm not up there fucking trying to write 140 characters to make you giggle in your fucking car. Fuck you dude. You want to laugh? Come to my show. That's what I do.

I fucking write jokes and tell them on stage. I'm not a fucking Twitter comedian. You fucking dickhead. Ah, fuck, I delete you. I block you. I love blocking assholes like that. You're always plugging dates, yeah that's what I used this for. I used Twitter and Facebook and fucking say now to let you know when I'm coming to do

my comedy at a show. That's what I do. And occasionally I'll put some interesting shit up there, Oh, goofy shit or a photo of where I'm at or a fucking picture of my ball sack. Or occasionally I'll say something funny. But I'm not up there fucking thinking of funny shit this every time I tweet, fuck you. Go follow somebody else, you fucking cunt.

So if you wanna know where I'm fucking, if you wanna fucking see some funny shit, go to my website and join my, it says call me 917-720-7511 right there. If you call that number and leave me a message, anytime I'm in your town, I'm gonna, your phone's gonna ring it's gonna be me going, hey I'm around this weekend and you'll know, or just go to join my email list, which is up there, just put your email address in and I'll send you shit out when I'm coming to your town And then there's my fucking Twitter and my fucking Facebook and all up. There's a million other things up there So and then if you look over to the left All my dates are up there look at the whole fucking list Virginia Beach Kansas City I'm coming to I'm going to Edmington. I'm going to Jersey to the stress factory. I'm going to the

Comedy playboy back to Vegas. Playboy comedy come Richmond, Funnybone, Columbus, Ohio, uh, Connecticut. I'm coming. I'm not gonna be a Montreal Toledo. The Wilbur Theatre in Boston. Connecticut Pro- uh, Comedy Connection. I'm coming to. I mean, they're all up there. So please go to my website for my dates. They're all up to the left, all my fucking dates, and join my say now on my email list. So you don't have to fucking, you don't have to say, do you, when you come into town, I was just there. Because I need all your motherfuckers. I need you cock suckers coming to my show. I'm not selling out every show. Jesus Christ. I need, I want you, I'd rather

have you guys show up, people want to see me than some drunk whore who won tickets off the radio and she's been drinking Mogger Edison's fucking three in the afternoon. Oh, content only has like a half a case of deer in a stomach and she's heckling yelling shit out at me. Fuck that. I'd love to just pack the shows up with fucking fans. So please spread the word. Join my lists. Get on my say now so I can let you know when I'm around. Other shit that's going on. I'll let you guys know real quick, man. Really cool shit's happening. Things that are coming up, some updates here.

We got, as you know, I Louis CK show is coming out. I think it's in June or July. I think it's June on FX. It's going to be hilarious. Louis is one of the funniest guys on the planet Earth. He's doing this show. It's fucking hilarious. I'm fucking very lucky to be on it.

I'm very excited to be on it. I play his brother and I just pretty much play a fucking me, just a cunt and just hilarious shit. So I think I'm in like a couple episodes, three episodes. It's not a fucking cast. It's anybody's in it any time. And he whatever whoever writes in it is in it William Steve is in it Rick and Javace is in it. There's so many fucking guest spots in this. It's hilarious. I can't wait to see it

I'm really excited that I'm I'm in it Please make sure you spread the word about that show and watch the show yourself It's on FX at believe in June. It's coming on and then also me Norton and rich Voss and Mike D. Stefano shot a show for Comedy Central, a stand-up show called Comics Anonymous that's coming out soon. I don't have a date on that, but it was fucking awesome. Between us, there was almost a hundred years

sobriety on that stage. So Mike D. Stefano actually produced that, and he's actually right now filming last comic standing, he got in, so fucking congrats to Mike T. Stefano, he deserves it, consp and work in his ass off for a long time. So hopefully that comics anonymous will come out soon, and it's actually a really great show.

It looked fucking great when we shot it too. So and Norton, uh, Norton was the host, which was awesome. He went up and did his time up front and fucking, it was a really cool night. So that's coming out. The Louis CK thing, comics, anonymous, and I found out that I'm doing, uh, in July 6th to the 13th, I will be in Montreal at the Just For Last Festival doing the nasty show with Jim Norton Greg Duraldo and one other person I don't know who so so if you live in Buffalo Rochester, Erie, Pennsylvania, fucking Maine wherever the wherever you are up there you guys been saying what are you coming about at the Buffalo

Go to this show. This is gonna be the shit It's a what a couple hours away from here and I want away go to the show Montreal and and all you cock suckers in Montreal Which is one of my favorite cities on the fucking planet earth? I love Montreal I'm gonna be up there at the nasty show so I can't wait. I'm really excited about those three things And the fourth thing is Shooting angles the short movie me Billy Burr and Jotaroza Put together is done. That's gonna be we're gonna be

Trying to get that into some festivals now. So that's that's pretty much done Which is great and it came out insane. It looks beautiful. The guy who shot it was fucking fucking magician Because he may I mean it looks amazing. So that's coming out soon So I'll be talking more about those things individually and other podcasts But those are the updates of what's going on? Louis CK Show, the comics anonymous comedy special that's coming out, Mi Vos, Norton and D. Stefano. Montreal just for Laf's Nasty Show with Norton and Greg Gerardo I'll be doing,

and then Shooting Angles, which is the short that we put together is coming out soon too. So that's it, and you know, I've been working on this new album coming out, you know, pretty much the show I'm doing at the Improvs now, if you're coming to see me, is is what the new album is going to be, the new album, new CD. So I'm, I'm going to wrap that up this summer and get it on and film it and get it up to you guys because I'm sick of selling my old one. So that's about it, man. That's the podcast. Number Duce. It's around 20 minutes long. I hope you enjoyed it, wherever the fuck you are, listening to my bullshit.

I'm gonna try to get somebody else on this next time. Try to get like a guest. Maybe one of you assholes can call me up or email me rk fan at robertkellylive.com if you want to do one of these podcasts with me even if it's for a couple minutes if you have some questions or you want to shoot the shit and you know I'll do I'll do it with one of you assholes because I'm literally doing this from my phone, my

iPhone, and I email it to my fucking website and it puts it up on here. So it's nothing too fucking special to be honest. It's just me and a fucking hotel room being lonely, talking to myself for 20 minutes. That's why, you know, you know what dude? That's why you know what dude that's exactly what it is So that's about it man, so why don't we just fucking wrap out of this thing podcast number fucking four I believe Is done and I'm probably gonna do another one before the end of the weekend Because these crowds are gonna be fucking shit-faced and I'm sure someone is gonna kick kicked out so Hopefully nobody does but they probably will so I'm out Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, rencones de película y un sinfín de aventuras desperan.

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