Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Problumsum

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

This week on YKWD: We have Joe List, Luchana Gatica,and Brendan Eyre! We talk about the monologue from this years Oscars, as well as this years nominations. We also get to meet Luchana (who is incapable of bangin a fan) and Brendan (who has yet to see a gal he wont swipe right) Watch/Listen and enjoy!   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yos escucha a Robert Kelly? ¿Y qué es, dude? En la network riotcast.com. Estoy haciendo esto ahora con Max.

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I love it too. Me. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the Planet Earth. This is gonna be a cost-defying podcast. No rules. I'm gonna go to the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic? Oh!

That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and he happens. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's 10 no topics. No directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. That's how the host does. I don't want to do anything. My podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lines. You never know.

It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to are just and what you just got and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and Um, what's up? This is definitely a fucking weird, and there's a weird vibe in the movie. There's a weird vibe in the movie. There's a lot of energy to start the show because I have like 19 people on and it's like a bunch of regulars. I have one regular Joe the Truth and then I have two people.

I literally forgot your names. I don't even fucking, I have no idea. Like if you're right now, you're like, wait, what's my, I was like, it's like a chick I banged in a parking lot. I have no idea where you are. This is great, because usually your ploy is Bobby will go, Chris, why don't you introduce everybody, which is Bobby's way of saying,

I have no idea what's in front of him. That is not true. And the scope was not here. That is not true all the time. Right, but. 99% of the time that is absolutely true But no, that's not why I do that. It's professionals. It's called production value, Josephine. What do you mean to have a return? I'm getting Chris we live together

Chris you sleep at your girls house. You're never home. I talked to him all the time He he him and the fucking new guy whoever the fucking new guy is Mike Albany. Yeah, mug the fucking guy who makes soap His name's not mug. He does make soap. I know he does. That's why I said he makes soap He made me to make soap he makes a beard beard. Craziness. Yeah, it comes in a bottle. Yeah, well he um anyways Let's go around the room still don't know who we are Yeah, I have no idea. I mean you guys are very good-looking people I say that. Thank you. That's true. That's all that matters. Great. Well to my right we have Brendan heir. Brendan heir who I've never met but I've

heard lovely things. Oh thanks man this is great. Yeah. This is great. Thank you for having me. And where are you from bro? I'm from Cleveland originally. Oh that's shit place. Yeah I got I got a tattooed on my arm which is a huge mistake that if you want to get girls just tattoo the shitty city. Well, girl from the leave room. I'm from Cleveland tell. What is the A for it? But that's what is that? Yeah, that's a that's just a error that everyone said. The guy just put a like like a decoration. But everyone goes, does that say a Cleveland? And I go, no, I think that's just a flourish. Wow.

But they looks like an A, right? Here's the thing, it's such beautiful work. And for him to fuck up on the top of that, it's terrible. I mean, that other tattoo is amazing. Show the camera that. What is that one? Not that one, that one's goofy. Yeah, the one.

Right there, that one's beautiful. I got this one. What is that? It's kind of like a compass rose. I like old maps and shit. Really? Yeah, but I didn't realize, I got this one. What is that? It's kind of like a compass rose I like old maps and shit really yeah, but I didn't realize I got this and I didn't realize every girl In Brooklyn has a compass rose on there I don't even know what a compass rose is like the little shit with northeast southwest and this kind of like a That's you know, I'm not fucking anybody anymore

I don't know the new tattoos on chicks assholes fucking anybody anymore. I don't know the new tattoos on chick's assholes. Did I like? They said you don't know where Compass Rose is and he explained what a compass is. I know what a compass is. I don't know what a compass rose. I'm with you on that one.

What's the rose portion? So it's exactly what I said, Joe. If you, if you'd maybe let's describe the compass. No, that's a compass will tell you what direction is. On a map, those like pictures that show northeast, southwest, and the directions on like an old antique map, that's a compass roast. Oh, that was just a compass.

A compass you hold and it tells you where to go. Right, right, in the woods with the magnet, got it. Yeah, oh, you're right. You can use a needle. Yeah, I'm like a magnet, right? I need it. You can use your dick. Hey, on the board.

We got, uh, we got, yeah, stop fucking ruining everything. What you need is, uh, you got long needs. Joe, the truth list is here again. Thank you so much for being here. Sans T-Shirt money. I almost said thank you, God. That almost came. Sorry.

You got, uh, yeah, what did you say you have a sans t-shirt? I said sans t-shirt money Sans means I without dude fuck. I'm gonna get you know what what do you hang here's the problem? Every time I'm with a question and then just put it out there here's the problem every time I'm like dude I'll pay you right off to show you leave you leave. He's got a hard out. I do have a hard out tonight I had a hard on and You're ready to have to show you leave. You leave. He's got a heart out. I do have a heart out tonight. I had a heart on. And that beautiful voice. Is Luciana Gattica?

Gattica. Luchana. Luchana. Luchana. Luchana. No, no I. Luchana. Luchana.

So you're Spanish? Yes. We'll kind of Spanish show you, Bob. Chilean. Chilean. Isn't that with that chick from like dude who killed the chicken aruba? God, that's the rule. No, that's how that's Peru being racist again We can't really say that on a context you fucking Puerto Rican Well, the people who listen is like now they're gonna be racist off air

They don't know what whatever. We'll get into it You didn't say anything racist you just said I think I might be racist off air. They don't know, whatever. We'll get into this. You didn't say anything racist. You just said, I think I might be racist. It was a callback to an earlier conversation. Yeah, yeah. She wasn't really, we're all kidding. We're all kidding. We love, we love, I'm racist too.

It's fine, that's why I'm here. You can be racist though, because you're one of them. I know exactly. You're chileglie. You live, you live near uh uh pyramids. Um, do you have pyramids? Did you get a apocalypse though? People is it?

No, thanks. Well, where's Chile? Chile? Chile, right? Yeah, it's that like the skinny country where you know South America. Yeah. I'll tell you right now, I'd be shocked if there wasn't a

period. It's on there. There's a pyramid. No, there's pyramids. It goes with the. Yeah, you have pyramids. There's mines. There are there are mines. mines. Yeah, the miners are the miners, but you have pyramids. You have like a poppa-pocalypse shit there. Yeah, from pyramids.

scheme. Oh, the show. I mean, it's my fault. I'm gonna take the heat. I'm the one who says, yeah, it's gonna say, yeah, that sounds good. I fucked up. This is when you need a Lewis Kalmers go, you guys all fucking talk me. Everybody's a fucking dickhead, suck my dick, facts.

Nobody needs Lewis. Yeah, no, but you're right, actually. Including his son. Oh, come on. Well, it's a surprise, dude. Why is that so bad? Because you have two women in the room, okay? And I don't want them not to like me, so, aw.

Oh, I got you. And the new guy that looks like a chubby little cutie Tooty he looks like somebody doesn't he? Very sexy I'm trying to figure it out as well. Yeah, you look like somebody. Thank you. I don't know who you are But you look like somebody we got deep in the house the video master kid yo who's making everything right and then we get we got Big box Lauren over here Yo, who's making everything right and then we get we get a big box Lauren over here A box. Yeah, it's a big box. We keep stuff under box

And we're back. It's been a fucked up week for me. Oh boy. Not a fucked up week. It's been a good read But I've been fucking really you know The shows back on I am drumming is fucking I'm in drum every day and it's sucked to learn an instrument at in your 40s Is retake it's just fucking stupid. It's just the hardest thing I've ever done in my life But fuck all my white people problems Don't say that what is that I hate that what white people probably that's a legit problem Do you have to learn an instrument that's not like a really hard not to mention are you white? Yeah, but I get no not if you don't want me. And you have?

Probably. You're fat. That's a problem. Oh, aging. Oh, you know what I mean? You have a kid that you have to pay for. I mean to say you're fat. I was trying to be funny.

No, that's the way. Let's say, what does this show happen? What's happening? Well, you fucking felt, you made me weird. And they knew I don't know. And the head seat. You put him in the head seat. I know.

I should have put you in the side seat. You're better. Yeah. You're not better running things. You're not good in the dance so to see. Oh god, the show stinks. Yeah, look at him. Much old man.

Yeah, look at him. I'm mad. Lizzy from fucking Norlin's? I'm not gonna hear voices, right? I'm trying to fill in the boots. Well, shoes, whatever he wears. I love the idea that people are going to be like, hey, how was being on Bobby's podcast ago?

I think it was pretty good. He just kept saying, thank God Joe Listing. I always say that once. Then I say, it stinks. You must have been thinking of the fans saying that. Actually, this show, this last February, was its biggest month ever. Wow.

And the biggest, most downloads ever of any show on Riot Cast. And Riot Cast itself is fucking off the charts this year. This last year was the biggest year we've ever had. I think it's over 10 million downloads. Wow. So congratulations to all the shows on Ryukas and to everybody who all the fans who listen to this show. This show has been this month has been ridiculous.

So, Kudos to everybody. Until now we go back to where we were in last year. It was a good run. It was a good run. So anyways, enough about me. We weren't even talking about you. Well, I was talking about my week I was I was kind of you didn't even say I was talking about the show and drumming and now you know all the stuff But lines learning long lines and and it's weird like have you guys you've ever been on you've been on a show You've been on a show right? Yeah, you've been on a show Joe a

Ton Tons what what show have you been on? Like sitcom oh sitcom. No, I'm not sitcom what you guys have been on sitcoms. No, no, I was just one I was on a sketch show, but that was more improv no, I'm talking like television like it was television Yeah, what was assumption that everyone's been on sitcoms like 11 people have been on sitcom, but I was just saying it so you I didn't want to fucking assume that you weren't that would be the dick move I know you should have just a lose lose fucking situation Could have been like have you guys ever been on sitcoms, and then we would have all been like no, that's ridiculous

Not only have we not you know we have We would not only have we not you know we have I've never gone out for a sitcom. I don't have to be a sitcom like you mean just something with I think I'm really attracted to you. I Don't know what is going. I don't know what you said. I don't know what you said, but I love you I think I'm sorry and you two dude. Thank you Well anyways, yes shows I have a thing with me, okay, when I get anxiety, and when I get anxiety, which is the show and all the stuff going on and having a gear up for this, this is the

first time I've ever done anything that went into a second season. Everything I've always done, did one and done them out. You know what I mean? And so this is to come back to it, you have to beat all new PAs and the crew and there's some people that are back. There's some, you know, these people you haven't seen for a year and you might have never saw again.

Because you'll find out when you do these TV shows, oh, they become your family. The makeup lady, the wardrobe lady, the PA, the AD, all these people, you're together in this fucking war, you know, work in all day, month, that, you know, month after month, trying to get this thing done, and all of a sudden, it's over, you have this big party,

everybody celebrates and tries to fuck each other. And then, you don't see each other. You may never see each other. And then you don't see each other. You may never see each other again. And, you know, now this is the first time I've ever come back where we, all of a sudden, you see each other and this big build up in wood and getting fittings and stuff you can aware and blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, the cast, you see the cast again, these people of my friends I love them all. Dennis, I saw Dennis for the first time since last summer.

Rodman? No, Larry, Dennis. Oh, right. And I'm seeing the show in a while. And now it's so, it was like, I get, when I get stressed out, when I get anxiety, I get fucking angry. I don't know where the, it's, I don't know, there's a fucking Boston thing. I get, I snap easy.

Yeah, I do that. That's normal, right? Yeah, I'm, you hit your wife? Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I fucking been snapping and go, and I go negative, I always fucking go negative. And I'm sitting there going,

what am I stupid? My fucking nuts. I'm on a fucking show with Dennis Leary. It's fucking, and I'm on the show, and I'm playing drums. I get to learn drums for free, basically. And all this crazy shit, and how the fuck dare I get stressed out,

how the fuck dare I get to. I need to look good too. And negative. And you look good. Thanks. You're welcome. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why are and you look good thanks you're welcome you know what I mean yeah well you going to therapy you seeing your well I talked to my therapist today I actually call my wife during therapy and apologize I have a

wife but she'd let me cheat with you I just want you to keep my shot nobody but I'm okay I'm into that oh cool. You will Fuck you get stopros is out Guess my new opener Two two ways I think they did it. Sovros for a second. I was like wow She would I would do it. I'm exactly he looks exactly like that. He looks like me if I was a minion Well somebody best got star roles that have kids and best guy on Facebook Here is the best you can I look them up? Okay, I request them up?

Yeah, Instagram is the best. Instagram is the best. Who is this bitch? So anyways, I called her up and I apologize. What did you apologize for? Well, because I called her up and I fucking yelled at her about some shit. Somebody was sick.

A family was sick. A whole family? Yeah, and then we went over there. And then, you know, this is what I was fucking like. They were sick and it's like, oh, we're fine. We were sick, but you know, but we're not contagious. Like they went to med school and they have like a fucking petri dish. They took their blood and they look under a microscope and made an analysis.

Right. You know, and had the little things that spin and, you know, Bonson burners. Bonson burners, right? That's not it. But definitely not. Yeah, yeah. Bonson burner. Bonson burn those, right? That's not it, but definitely not. It's fun, yeah. It's fun to say.

So then we find out that they're really sick and they have some virus. And I'm like, we were there eating. Was it her face? My kid was sucking on a microphone. A player, you know what I was like, what the fuck? You jeopardizing everything.

You know, when I snap, she's like, listen, you're not sick. Right now we don't have to worry about it until you get sick And she was really cool about it because she could be passive aggressive and make me snap but she Walked me down, but I still snapped and I just I'm sick of being fucking angry. We'll go to extra therapy Fucking tell me what to do dude, so you know what that's sorry Joe. I'm hanging on with second you cocks Joe, I'm sorry. Why do the lights keep flicking? I don't know. I would yell at you. Who about it though?

I'm sure that's not a crazy thing to be angry about this family made you come to their house and insisted they work contagion They didn't make us come but they life made the judge before But I think it's important to think where am I at fault? I think that's important. What do you mean? That's what you supposed to ask yourself what where are I at fault? I think that's important. What do you mean? That's what you supposed to ask yourself. What? Where are you at fault? How could you have done things better? You just said he's at fault.

What were they sick with? What my fault was? Yeah, what kind of disease? He was some virus. It was a, it was, sorry. Should I even be here right now? Are you sure you don't have?

It was vica. No, you're from Chile. You'll survive me. It's from South America. It's from a mosquito. You're fine. You're very good. It was a stomach virus. No, I don't have it. I'm fine. But I would I could use a stomach virus. I wouldn't. Who's a nice one? What do you want to stomach fires for? So I can like lose a quick five. I don't know. Really? Yeah. Girls are like, yes. You're hear that about models doing that where they would apparently like leave a shrimp out overnight

People eat table yeah, they would eat it Where can I get everything and then you should have a tape or Climbing stuff for a second. What are you saying they would leave a shrimp out overnight? It's a bad so go bad and then they'd eat a bad shrimp to get food poisoning because they knew every time you lose 10 pounds guaranteed. You just shit and shit. Why have I never thought of that? That is a fucking genius idea. It is. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Alright, together. We'll periscope our video. You never fucking hit viral video. Yeah, we'll do it. I don't care. I fucking first of all both you guys, but you I'll do it. I know you won't, first of all. Okay, stop it. You tough girl, shit talk.

I'm an independent woman. I might. Not with her in the room. You do it by yourself and your little Queen's apartment. Sure. Oh my little house kitchen. You living hell, where do you live in house kitchen, Bob? 46 and 9.

I used to live on 47th and 9th. Wow. See, he meant to be, we might have crossed paths. I know, I fucking know. I might have crossed paths. I know. I fucking know. I hope not. I'm not remembering. It's okay.

I got my AIDS test today. I'm good. Did you get AIDS? No. I didn't get AIDS. I mean, I did. I'm sorry. I came out wrong.

No, I did. I forgot to pull my band. Why did you have to get it? Why do you fly around to an AIDS in 2016? Are you fucking? What are you fucking guys in the corner? No, not yet. No, because.

Did you fucking bang Patrick Milligan? No. Did he tell you that? Did he tell you that? No, no, no. I was my annual checkup. So I was like, you're annually. Annual AIDS test.

No, why not? Just to know, although I will say, it's terrible. It's fucking scary. They were just like, do you want an AIDS test? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then I was like, oh my God, I can't host the 10 o'clock show tonight. I might have AIDS. What if I have AIDS?

What if it's called me right now? Can I say something to you? Honestly, sweetie, listen. In 2016, you have to do some really raw fucking with some really raw people to get some AIDS. You don't know where I am. It's very hard. How you doing know how you do in that type of fucking Fuck no, I wish I really wish oh my god like the opposite of that. I remember like zero. Oh boy

Striced That's why I said can I have one and deep who single right? Yes, I will fuck Luciana have one and deep who's single right yes I will fuck Luciana I know I'm I'm not a one you at least pronounce my name correct right Luciana the fuck you deal do you know China yes same my name pronounce my name do you know I didn't see the need to deep oh what are you guys fucking on each other I'm not fucking you know listen you got enough every guy in here want you

not we just fucking girl wants to get, you got enough. Every guy in here wants you, and every fucking girl wants it too. We're gonna get our period at the same time after this. We're all, I- That's always crazy with a women with dry spell. You could have sex immediately. Like within an hour. With someone like good too, like a nice person. Really? Where?

I don't really know anyone. Where? Downstairs. I mean, go to the olive tree. Be like, boy, am I single or whatever? Yeah. I go to my moods, I'll go to the olive tree be like boy am I single or whatever. Yeah, go to my moods or the fucking Schwama plate and just go my pussy could use some Schwama. The bumble and the tender. Yeah, I am. You're on too picky. I'm too picky. I see that's that's that's not a bad but it is like I used to not be I don't, I'm trying to like not be, but it's just like, you're like, I can't sleep with some made-up.

I'm not attracted to it. How can you be picky if you're on Tinder? Wouldn't that be picky just not go on it and wait? I guess. No, you're picking, you're picking, you could be picky on on Tinder. I think you're the biggest. Well, that's like going to a buffet and being picky,

you know you're not gonna eat anything off the buck and fucking buffet. I got a buffet and I'm picky, but when I find the thing I like, I can just kind of, just not be picky. Yeah, exactly know you're not gonna eat anything off the buck and fucking buffet I got a buffet and I'm picky but when I find the thing I like I'm not Viches and you're not picky with food I am you're not picky what are you talking about you're not picky you eat everything What are you crazy? I'm legendary for picky that's my thing they call me kids menu I eat pizza grilled cheese and you know my sister's ass I Put that in for a lamb

You know my sister's ass. I put that in for a lamp I'm very picky, but you find this thing you'll I'm with you can be picky in Tinder. Yeah, well, I'm not on Tinder I'm on bumble and what's bumble and hinge which are both the worst. Bumble is how I describe you walking bumble Bumble is where the girl like it's like the feminist tinder where like the girl makes the first move. And like, stupid. The girl has to send the first message within 24 hours or the match disappears. I, uh, I, uh, I like that. I don't like it at all. I just copy and paste the same message to every dude. Well, it's a message.

You want to host the show? It was a dude. I got to go film. You want to take over the month. I have a chubby Ryan Reynolds sitting over here. It's just like I I try to be witty one time. I don't know what guys want. Usually they'll just be like, hi, I do. Ed Swallow. Yeah, but first we have to first yes to message me back. So yeah, like one time I try to be witty. I match with this doctor and I go,

hey, what kind of doctor are you? I don't have health insurance. And he didn't write me back for like three days. I'm like, I think that was, I thought that was funny. You did. But what? And then he wrote back and he was like, isn't it illegal to not have health insurance?

I was like, you know what? Maybe you didn't see my profession listed, it said stand up comedian, go fuck yourself, eat a bag of dicks. Don't you didn't see my profession listed. It said stand up comedian. Go fuck yourself. Eat a bag of dicks. Don't you say that? On the thing. Yeah, on my fucking self. Santa, go fuck the idiot.

Eat a bag of dicks. I wouldn't fucking respond to you, idiot. Fucking diva twat. But it's not up on the profile. It might not just, just might not have read funny. It might have been like, I don't have insurance. You might have taken it serious. Yeah, there's no tone in that.

No, we know it's a joke. Yeah, but he sees you. He might be like, oh, this chick's trying to get free shit on it. I mean, I was. He wasn't that cute. But some balding dog with a fucking Adam's apple. No, he was kind of cute. Do you like, what kind of dude do you like?

Like chubby dudes? Stavros is chubby. I have pretty low standards for somebody so picky. I'm not gonna lie. Stavros is a cutie, but I? Stavros is chubby. I have pretty low standards for somebody so picky, I'm not gonna lie. Stavros is a cutie, but I think Stavros is a cutie. He just thinks it was meant, yes. Just a low standard, not the lowest. But you see, you picky and have low standards.

Yeah, that's interesting. It's like, yeah, it's weird. It's just like when I'm attracted to somebody for whatever reason, they don't have to be the hottest, but like something about them just like that about them just a guy with a hairy bomb And a yellow yellow yellow anus is that you know, that's him Yellow a nice. I don't know. I just imagine your anus would be yellow. I've dated some hairy guys I'm not like I said I don't really I'm not like one of those people like I'm not like oh, that's a deal breaker

This is the fucking this is this the we I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I was talking to this with my, with Jim Serbacão. I missed out on the whole, I'm a tech guy. I love fucking Facebook. My, I was message boards, guest books. I've been into this social fucking tech shit since it started and I missed the fuck out on the on Tinder. I feel the same. I'm just lucky. I'm just lucky. I'm just lucky. Good.

No, look at this is coming from two women. No. I'm not lucky because I would love to be on the road single. Meetin' chicks on a different Tinder and just bang it. I feel the same. But you don't need to because you're a guy on stage. It's so different for a guy to like a guy on on stage gets off stage and all the girls like me and I've seen it. It's like ridiculous. A girl gets off stage and no guy guys are like are you fucking are you only going to call and change house. No, no, but listen to me. You know what. Guys, no. Wait, are you over here for Dane Cook? No, listen to me.

You know what I get after my show? You were so funny, this is my husband. Yeah, he turned me on to you. That's not true. You've never banged a girl that you had done cook show. You're a funny than him. Most audiences are couples, so there's not a lot of single girls. If they're single girls, if they're in a big batch of party,

they have huge dicks in their head and they're in heckling the whole world. Girls, there are a lot of single girls. If there's single girls, if they're in a big batch of party and they have huge dicks in their head and they're in heckling the whole girls. There are a lot of single girls. Hot chicks at my shows hate me. I guarantee if there's hot chicks at my show around 20 minutes in, they'll be on their fucking phone because they can't, they need bells. They need bells and fucking whistles. They need some type of sex.

They have to have some type of sexy guy who leans on his ass cheek. No. He fucking hits a punch line. That's not true. It points out to the crowd that takes a sip and goes, wow! And then goes back into another joke.

I'm telling you. That's not true. If you can make a girl laugh. I'm asking you, I'm fucking, you're hiring! 20 fucking years in the business sweetie, bye! I'm fucking telling you!

I'm not fucking, this isn't a fucking question! This is the fact I'm telling you, from doing shows for fucking 20 years, looking out at these fucking women, and they fucking shut down. The only ones that fucking listen, are the fans, true fans of mine, who are not all of them.

I have some hot chicks, but if there's hot chicks at a club that don't know. I have a few hot chicks, I'm just saying chicks. So the fans, you could probably have banged a couple of them if you didn't. I don't wanna bang a non-hot chick. I don't wanna bang a chick with a fucking, a panda tattoo on her fucking ankle.

You can't have it all, pick your bad one. I don't wanna chick with ankles, my size. That's not the point. The point is you could still, like I'm not saying guys get off stage and bang the hottest girls, but they can bang girls. I get off stage and guys run They're like there's no way guys run from you. I would fucking you be surprised. Oh my god

Crazy what are you what are they ready with your dick out? Why do they run from you? It's different. It's just different like guys are intimidated by a girl talking about It's a dick. I want a girl to squirt my eyes and kick me, time me up, and call me a whore and bitch. Well, you know. I love it. I'd love to find, I don't mind that type of girl.

I love that type of girl. I don't think guys, I really guys intimidated by. Yeah, a lot. A lot of the time. I had a guy, yeah, I have to hide. What do you think is for guys? Brendan, what are you doing? I think it's correct

I Craig listen I hear it listen fill up I I hear that from Women comedians old. They're so intimidated by me. It's like all right You're not a fucking brain surgeon. You know, I mean we're not that we're not afraid of stand-up I'm not you're not because you do it But guys are because they're like oh this girl this girl, I literally, there's a guy that I had asked me out and we're friends on Facebook,

which is like, I never accept anyone on Facebook right away. But he'll send me screenshots of like posts. I'm like, they're just funny posts, but he takes everything seriously and is like, oh, I'll bring up stuff about my standup. And I'm like, no, it's like too much for them. And it's like, no, they're jokes. I literally didn't hear words you just said.

I just want to make out with you. No, I'm kidding. I don't look. I maybe, I don't know. I just, I. The struggle is real. Listen, I think for me to have Tinder right now, which I'll never have, because you're married.

I'm, all right, fucking party poop or relax. I, I, I, I, I, I'm just bummed out. I, I never, I mean, to be able to go on, like I, I know guys comics, I watch them. And they, they're on Tinder and they're, fuck, they have apps that just check everybody. So they just, yeah, get them all. Right. And then wait for responses and then

meet these girls like I am going to meet this girl. Yeah, I know it's crazy. It's fucking. No, it is fucked like 300 girls in the last six months. You hear all about it on the show. He's not you. Here's the problem with it. Here's the problem with because I'm recently back back in the game. I'm back in the you got what happened with your relationship for a couple years years how many years I was slow down It's two years. This is a two-hour show. Let's slow down. So I was like okay. Let's slow down Brandon Brandon Frazier. Yeah, Brandon Frey listen to me almost two years. I'm in a relationship I was on Tinder before that. Where did you meet her?

In the city just a matter of so you met her in New York when you came here from Cleveland Yeah, yeah, and and and you guys were in love. We were in love. Did you live together? We lived together. Yeah, great girl. Share the dresser. Share the dresser. We had a shared dresser.

Yeah, yeah, a shared dresser. I got a lot more room in the dresser now. But what happened? It just didn't work out. She's in LA now. It was kind of a long distance thing. Is she in the same business? She's in the same business.

Why, you never listen, business. You never listen man. I'm right here. It's hot. I'm telling you dude, guys, it's very rare that you meet somebody with a fucking head shot and it works out. It's very rare. It's very not that, look at Rich and Bonnie and Dunette

Joe is doing it. How the sharm and. But I'm telling'm telling you it's someone is always gonna be above the other person and that will fuck the other person up And that the person that's doing well will have to fucking deal with that And it's hard to deal is she doing better than you right now. Oh, yeah, not just far better than well Let's see what happens when this comes out just far better than you. Well, let's see what happens when this comes out. Let's see if this makes some wave. Did that bother you that you're not really,

like I was okay? Not really. No, I mean, it's like I would say, I would always say, like, listen, just as long as you know, you know, in your heart that I'm funnier than you. And it's as long as that, as long as we both know that, it's fine.

Now, she was cool about it and who broke up with who? It was the same neutral. I'm throwing this mic at you. Yeah, it was pretty much her. It was pretty much her. It was the thing of life. Yeah, I mean, I've been telling people it's mutual. You know what I mean?

That's nice, sir. What she's saying. She's gone, you know. She's made me cry. Yeah, she's gone. She's gone. I mean, fucking benefit. Yeah, it's just long distance thing wasn't working. Have you met Luciana? I did

We just man. Oh my god. It's an attractive man. It's an attractive man. Good jokes. I think I think he's used to women being Stronger than him and better than him and moving on away from him. He's already been through it. You know, is that a deal with it? All right. What do you think? Well, see, don't put me on the spot. Well, that's, that doesn't sound promising. Well, that sounds promising. It does not.

Don't put me on the spot. Here's the, here's the problem with Tinder. And it's great. It's great, man. I've, I've, I've had great luck with it and it's good. The problem is, it's a very accurate reflection of your fucking level. You know what I mean?

Your matches, however ugly your matches are, that's you. You know what I mean? Because they're like, so you can't lie to yourself, like looking in a mirror. If like three years ago before I was in a relationship, I was matching with a lot hotter girls. Now I'm getting these matches. I'm like, oh, she's not that hot.

And then I realize, oh, that's how hot I am. That's how it matches you? Why? No, because you have to, I just pick everyone. It's both agreeable. Because I want to see who matches me. So I just match everyone. Because I want to know who's clicking yes on me.

You want to know what love is? Exactly. Well, what love. Pretty much every guy just clicks yes on everything. I know. But thanks for making me feel better so yeah, no no no With you it's gonna be like a you'd be a jackpot like oh fuck nice also don't worry about what you Right I've never on bumble no a woman could write. Oh, I know whatever they wanted and I would respond if they were hot. Oh, wait, if you guys got married I'm not hot because I'm saying

You guys got married your name would sound like an airline Luchana air It's pretty good. That is pretty good. I would hyphenated though because my last name's cooler. What's your last name? Got tika got tika air Gotika gotika air. Oh Chana la chana chika Fucking height that didn't want my last name. I would I would not marry her I would be a deal breaker my girlfriend has a head shot and doesn't want my last good I would dump nom joke Unless I marry somebody who's Italian or Spanish. It's I can't be Luciana Smith or like like Luciana. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You're into it. But I feel the same way with Tinder because I was, I have very insecure, low self esteem. I never knew how to talk to a girl or meet a girl and that's why I had to marry a comedian. I just had to admit that we had met. You didn't have to.

No, no, I did. I quit drinking. What am I gonna do? It's fucking me. I mean, I don't drink either. That's another thing. No, I don't drink any. I don't know how the fuck you get laid,

not drink, that's bananas to me. I wanna go, I wanna see if my wife just for an experiment would let me go on Tinder. Probably not, but keep going. Just, not drink, that's bananas to me. I wanna go, I wanna see if my wife, just for an experiment, would let me go on Tinder. Probably not, but keep going. Just, I mean, that's cute. Just to let me go on Tinder, just to see what it would be like. I'm not gonna meet anybody, you're a bang anybody, but I would like to just see what that experience is,

and how, you know, it might just be fucking shit for me. It might be garbage, it might be, oh my God, all these chicks want to fucking meet up with me. I have no idea. And I'll never, ever, ever, ever get to experience that type of, you know, because I do, I used to have to go when, remember, I am, remember instant messenger name.

Yeah. I used to go on a name and you'd try to find a chatroom and then you'd see a girl, like you'd say, you'd look for Lexus 777 and you'd private DM her, hey, and she'd be like, hi, and then we'd just slow, methodical, fucking, where are you from? And it would take months and then hopefully

you'd be in a parking lot of a Denny's getting you, Dixocked by Lexus 667 or whatever it was. Like seven months later. And you're that minute took a look. Now it's just fucking app on, fucking you, blah blah blah. Meet down the street, it's fucking crazy. That's your third parking lot sex reference of the half hour. I love fucking parking lots.

But that's what's amazing to me, as someone who's very insecure and self-conscious about my looks and teeth and- We are, Dick, in forehead. Yes, and lips, mouth, mouth. My- I'm happy with my mouth. Okay, did you think about your chin? I think about my Adam's apple, followed by my lips, that area. But like, the tinder or the- what do we call it?

Bumble, smumble. They- I've already looked at your face and been like, I could fuck a person with that face That's an amazing tool to have a woman that's already approved of your face That would be like okay, okay, but you still have to fucking you know show up and get naked at some point I look great naked. I got I'm good all the way but face The face is a problem. What if they had body tender? You just put your body you'd be fine. It's called Grindr for gay men.

As I was telling you. Yeah, it's literally. Wait, doesn't that do by radius though? Yeah, that's great. That's great. You guys sit next to you. And yeah, I have gay friends. One of them the other day was like, I was like,

oh, where the other one go? And he's like, oh, he went to go fuck this guy. I hope you're right back. Yeah. So it happened. Wow. They also have, I got on Thrinder. Which is Thrinder's Tinder for three sums, right?

Really? And I tell my friend that he goes, you honestly think you're gonna go on an app and two chicks are gonna select you as the dude to have a three sum with. But it's like, he got it. If it's there, I'm gonna sign up for that. Anything?

Yeah, I mean, no matches. Zero matches. Can you turn it on right now and see if you get a match? Yeah. I might be having a three sum. Because it's weak. Whoa, all right. Well, wait a minute, wait. Yeah, I might be having a three-seater. Because it's weak. All right, well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Turn down all the mic. I love how she went from drive to drive to fuck it. It's not a dry spell. No, I don't know, I haven't decided yet. With who? This guy that I went on some dates with years ago and his new girlfriend that I don't know. So you have to meet the girl? I guess, yeah.

Does it matter what she looks like? Oh, yeah. So now, have you been with women? A little bit. What's a little bit? Women have been with me. I don't know what that means. That sounds like a rape situation.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I've been with women above the waist. Oh, yeah. Women have been with me everywhere. OK, so you've made out with girls and sucked on a couple boobies Yeah, and they've went down on you. Yes, and you've never went down on a woman. No, I don't know if I went into that But yo low, I mean why aren't you in do I don't know what yo low means, but yo low ones. Oh, I don't okay I'm fine. Well, apparently I've already lived my time. So I'm fucking yo low means I thought it was a dessert Well, apparently I've already lived my time. You know, fucking yellow means.

I thought it was a dessert. That was a surprise. What is this? Yes, yo, fro. I feel like I'm in hell. That's a blackly yellow one. I literally want to fucking throw a shovel at my fucking own head right now.

So you don't know if you want to go down on a woman. No. Why? I feel gross. One vagina is enough. They're very high maintenance. Like I feel you. Is it gross? One vagina is enough. They're very high maintenance. Like I have to.

Yeah. They smell off. Yeah. They're an open wound. Do you know what I mean? I don't. Mine's beautiful and delicious and amazing. But.

What do you mean delicious? You don't know if it's delicious. You might have made out after she went down. I remember. Yeah. You're gonna put a finger in your vagina like a cake and then licked it. It's done.

How do you know your vagina is delicious? I know, trust me. No, I want, how do you know? Like my balls are not delicious. I would have to go to a mobile. My balls are banana. Can I just have a side bar here? Your balls are all...

They smell wacky, they're bright red, they're seven feet long, it's a wild sin. It's wacky, they're shaved, they bright red, they're seven feet long, it's a wild scene. It's wacky, they're shaved, they're red, it's like a brown stripe down the middle. One is six inches lower than the other. It's fucking crazy. It looks like a loose tent with no poles. It's just bananas.

My sack, I feel horrible. I have surgery. I think my, I, it's crazy. I feel horrible for my girlfriend. Oh my think my eye is crazy. It's terrible. It's terrible for my girlfriend. Oh my god. She's adorable. She's like, they're cute, they're great.

I love them, don't change the thing. And I'm like, just please stop patronizing me. I actually like my balls. My balls. My balls. My balls are so long crazy. If I lay down, they spread to one leg the other. I think they're like the droopy ones.

They're crazy. Because I never switched to boxer briefs. I wore boxers or no underwear for 11 years. That's why they're making themselves. Now I got them ducked to my stomach. I got my balls can be nice and tight but then they get nice and like bubble gum. You know what I mean? But I like when one of my balls are nice and hanging and you're getting a blowjob and a girl's you know you're nuts are hanging or when you're banging too. In this laughing, you're just like that.

I like that. I mean, I, like that. I like that, right? I like that. Yeah, I don't mind that at all, but my balls aren't that. But some are like fucking cannonball, like just like, I mean, not cannonball, like a wrecking ball, it's just like.

Oh yeah, like those things you put on the desk in your office that fucking guys. Yeah, yeah. That's a bit of a wrap around and hit the girls in the bed yeah fucking from

my my balls and the dog is but I sat actually my balls

was so hot last week when I went to go the bathroom temperature hot I sat on them and I was pissed on your own balls yeah that's a depressing thing.

When your dates too cold, your dick shrunk up, and your balls are hanging for some reason, you piss on your own balls. I pissed on my balls for the first time this year, because you sit down in the morning, and my dick was so small, and then my nuts would just hang in and I just pissed on my sack. I thought it was so fun. I was like, oh my, I screamed. I was like, I just pissed them honey. I just pissed on my sack. And I thought it was so fun.

I was like, oh my, I screamed. I was like, I just pissed them honey. I just pissed on my own balls. And she was like, what? I'm like, yeah, forget it. You don't get it. You need balls. Now I still wake up with enormous erection

every morning. Really every single morning. It's bananas. That's because dude, you play with your dick too much. We were writing that dick. You know that about me. Because we were fucking writing together on FaceTime and your dick was out all the time.

That's fun. That's fun. That's not fun for me. It's funny. It's not fun for me. There's something fun about collaborating with another human being and every once in a while you stand up to reveal that you have an erection.

That's funny. That's comedy to me and it never will not be comedy to me. Why will you not have pants on while we're doing that? Comedy. Also not long. How long did that go yeah? You wait you at some point. It's no longer a gag if you're maintaining the boner, right? It's not a bit You're turned on that's what I was a sequel. That's my point is why you heart

Like I do love comedy that much of these jokes and making your dick hard Bobby, I don't know why I have to talk with this in every episode. It's your lips dog You got sweet beautiful lips. Look at those lips I did when you're in the shadow right now. Hey, that's a light on them. I do I do I did when the lips lip off I don't like the lighting because you know this casting a shadow over you sexy lips Yes, we had a break. Don't worry. You would win if you were in You would have won. Yeah, you would win if you were in Sweden. You would win. Yeah, you would win. On both lips. You're a delicious quote unquote lips.

You're a fucking shrimp that's been out a week and a half, man. So anyways, let's move on from all this. Do you guys see the Oscars Who saw the Oscars great segue? It is a great segue who saw the Oscars anybody? I saw I watched rock and I watched a few of the bits and I can't watch the actors, dude That I can't I they take it so seriously well they take it serious This is the one thing I was sad that they actually are making such a mockery of themselves now and they're fucking, it's like every award show is what fucking shitheads they are

for accepting these awards and it's like I'm kind of fucking bummed out with it, it's like enough. I don't know. Even have the show or don't but if you have it, it be fucking actors and love it. Don't stop telling us how stupid it is and then taking it and giving us a fucking ten minute speech. I think the Oscars myself, I think it's the Emmys, the Oscars, all those awards are fucking great because you're actually you know you know, acknowledging great performances and things that have affected me watching and been like, wow, that was awesome.

Leaving a movie, I'm a big movie guy, I love movies from fucking, from Deadpool, to the Godfather, everything in between, I love independent films, I love documentaries, I love it all. And I don't understand why they make fun of themselves. But it's like enough. And then the whole Chris Rock, I thought he was hilarious at first, but then it's like, dude, we get it.

Is every joke about make fun of somebody else or something else. Every joke was fucking about blackness, black that. I agree, I thought I was a bit heavy-handed and it just went on and on. It was like, give it five jokes like that. Well, I thought, well, I know what he had to do as a comedian, he had to go fuck you, I'm never doing this again anyways.

I need to go for funny. And I need to go to funny in my funny, which is that. But I think you agreed to host, and the hosting job has a responsibility to it too, but it was like, everybody seems to take these jobs now and go, fuck them. I don't give a fuck about them anyways. And it's like, why would you take it?

Right. Like the kind of like that started with, I guess, Ricky Jervais a little bit, maybe even before that, but he kind of shits all over the, I mean, I get it, but he also, he shits all over the thing, but he also makes fun of people, but he does it up front and, you know, it was like fun.

It's entertaining. That's why I said, like, I think I'm, we were talking before, I think I'm racist,'s because it was the first time I've ever shut the Oscars off I was like I'm out. I'm done. I get it. You know, I'm done Well, I mean the whole thing to me like the whole Oscar so white thing like is that just towards black people I don't actually know but like Alejandro right exactly Yadithu won first director to win that's right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you Listen sweetie. Now I'm blushing. Don't blush. How can you tell with that tan fucking fucking butter, fucking butter, scotch, scotch skin?

I told you my vagina was delicious. I know this now. Okay, if it tastes like fucking rice and beans, listen, what is his name again? Alejandro Gonzales Iñarito. Oh wow. Oh god. Back up Laura. Every fucking week you get everybody. You get everybody. Oh wow. Oh god. Oh shit. Back up, Laura. Every fucking week you get everybody.

You get everybody. Back up. This one's mine. That's my people. We're just fucking vampires. You're right. Didn't he say that in the Oscar? Somebody finally acknowledged it.

It's like, just black people are like, there are no offense black people. They're killing us and they're not giving us Oscars. It's like, relax. Other people are getting Oscar. My people are like there no offense black people but they're like they're killing us and they're not giving us Oscars It's like relax other people are getting Oscar like my people are getting on like people are getting you know I'm sorry that the best actor and fucking I'm sorry that your hip-hop movie got didn't got didn't deserve a fucking Oscar no one in that movie I love the movie entertainment value amazing that movie, I love the movie. Entertainment value, amazing. Story awesome.

Did not fucking, no one deserved the fucking Oscar in that movie. Try to come to the show. So nobody, I don't know. I don't know. If anything, maybe yes, it would be. But I don't believe, and I haven't seen it. I don't believe any of those actors probably,

they're all like new, of never. It doesn't matter. It's like, look's the nobody deserve the the the that didn't deserve an Oscar what's his name um uh uh features alba thank you what's his name again you just out like he deserves yeah a fucking Oscar well here's what I heard about nomination yeah deserve the nominee here's what I heard about that movie is

that they beast of donation they released it on netflix and in the theater at the same time to be new and the Academy doesn't like that because you're fucking over ticket sales. You're fucking over ticket sales. So the Academy was like, fuck you. But here's another thing, a lot of people didn't see it because it was hurting children. He was fucked up. I didn't want to watch it because it was, I don't like anything that hurts kids. It's just have a hard time watching it because of my own childhood or whatever my issues are when a kid

gets hurt I get I get it's very hard to get through that's why when I watched spotlight no I didn't watch spotlight not not I'm not talking about spotlight the very crimson's movie oh lucky so lucky you So lucky. You so lucky. Me so horny. Bring that up. Call me lucky. Call me lucky, which was, if you haven't seen that movie, it's a documentary done by Bobcat Goathaway. Fucking just amazing movie about a comedian.

An amazing comedian, by the way. But yeah, I had a, it was one of the hardest movies I've ever had to watch in my life. But that's why a lot of people didn't want that movie with Edris Alba I Could he fucking you know used to be a door guy at the Caroline's right really he did he was a door guy at Carolins really yeah, he was fucking work the door of Caroline's so hot that motherfucker Wow into black guys. No, I I actually I'm back in by he would be I have a list of black eyes I was on my list

too. What about white guys? How do you have you been with white guys? I'm all white. I'm just trying to turn the car into my own people my vagina was racist for a long time. Wow interesting. You know branch out. I think I think could I mean Chris I think killed it up front. I think, I think, did you, I mean, Chris, I think, killed it up front. I think he did like jokes that like, white people live at black people could laugh at, were comics. And then that whole thing about the movie theater, when he went to like some crack lady and ask her, I was like, what the fuck?

That's like, what is that? And the Stacy Dash thing was like so, that was so awkward. Yeah, we're, yeah. I just felt bad. I don't know. Explain that so people who listening to if they case it in. I don't even well, she's just like, I don't know what is she. Oh, she's a fox. She says that they should be no black history month. And what else she said, something else. It's like ignorant. I don't know, but she does something on Fox News and she, everybody knows her from Clueless and...

You know, it was really amazing. And I'm not just saying this because I know him. Louis. Yeah. He came out and it's like, there's a certain way you can trash things or trash people or make fun of things. I just think he's just knows how to do it. Well, you're faced with your own fucking reality.

Well, you have to say, oh my god, that's so true. When he came out and said, this Oscar really matters because it's short documentary. I mean, this is like you guys all get Oscars, but you go home fucking millionaires. The guy who wins this one goes home on a Honda Civic. You know what I mean?

He has to worry about keeping this in the shittier apartment he lives in. Like that's a, he has that anxiety when he wins this. It's like, I was like, oh, that's so fucking funny. And you know, I don't know. It seems like the honest person is just, it's like you guys are all shit heads for even wanting this.

And then you're watching it and they're saying you guys are all pieces of shit for wanting this and you guys shouldn't even give a fuck. And then they win and we have to sit there and we'll listen to them tell how meaningful this is to them. And then you're like, how do I fucking, how do I watch this? Right.

Either how do I fuck do I watch this? Should I not like these fucking idiot millionaire fucking divas for winning shit that doesn't matter? Or is this something meaningful to you fucking people? I don't know, it's confusing. I think Leo deserved the big one. Yeah. I love Leo. Did you see the movie?

No. That's fucked you know. Because he's been in my favorite actors. No, he's been one of my favorite actors for like for a long time Yeah, but that doesn't that doesn't ever done anything shitty. He's now that's fucking so untrue He was a lot better in this movie than he's been in any other what's a shitty movie that he was in Um, or that he did a shitty role Hmm, I

Know I didn't think he was that great in Titanic. I think it was all right. I think the movie was great. I mean, yeah, but that's right. I don't think it was that good. I didn't give you some movies. I didn't say he should be. So I'm in, but it was still great.

What a wall street. Blood diamond. In an out of the accent. Gilbert, Gilbert, Gilbert, great. Gilbert, great. It was all right. Did you watch like one of his first movies? The party was all right.

The party wasn't that great. The party was great. He does an awful boss tonight. The party, yeah, it was good. It was good Um, the party. He wasn't that great. He doesn't awful Life, yeah, it was good that but the party. He wasn't that good. You can't say that No, he does a shitty boss and accident He was phenomenal in the revenue though. I got it. I think I don't think I can watch that. It's too much for me Listen if you're a fan of his you should watch it because I'll tell you around can't be like I agree with you dude It's the best I can't fucking decap her. I agree with you dude it's the best fucking decapera ever seen. Django he was the best in. I think Django he was fucking

great in. You know he's good in Romeo and Juliet when he was young. Yeah he's great. He's great. He's a fantastic actor like I think great guy. The abator. Oh yeah the great Gensvy's a piece of trash. Yeah that was pretty bad. I think it was terrible in the Great Gatsby. Yeah, but I thought he was good. And Great Gatsby made the movie suck. The movie suck. Okay, if you can, he's amazing.

But it's like, yeah, exactly. Like, I just think he's great. Like, if we're at the beach. Yeah. The beach, yeah. All right, wait a minute. Let's slow down here. I know this is personal, so you really can't have,

like I can't say I fucking won this argument. I don't think Leonardo DiCaprio is one of our great actors right now. Oh, I think you're crazy. Yeah, I think he's unbelievable. I thought about a paper long time. What do you think? Tell you Karen.

Karen. What do you, I think he is, man. I think he is, and I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why I think he is, because when I'm hardy or him, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that Leonardo really I think Tom Hardy is the best Tom Hardy is the best because he is Unrecognizable from movie to movie Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio Leo. I think Leo Leo what? Depp's done too much garbage Yeah, and when Depp said his best when Depp said his best. I put him up with Leo, okay? But he's done you got he's done more bad stuff Donnie bros Leo oh Donnie's gonna have to do that stuff blow the movie blow I like look

I like Pirates of the Caribbean. I like Johnny Depp But could bring up Johnny Depp's thing. He's been in some garbage. Yeah, right? He's been in what's that movie where he was jumping off the thing? That's not a good. They're both great But this the fact that we're having this conversation and there's a debate I mean Leo is unquestionably one of the best actors. Joe, this is America and we can do what we want. Unquestionably, yeah, we can.

But to me, Tom Hardy is number one right now and has been for the last few years. He's unbelievable. He's unrecognizable between Bane and then Locke, which I think is one of his best movies, which is amazing. But it does the same thing in all the movies. Yeah, I just agree with it. The whole movie. It's Locke, the car thing. Locke's in the car, have you seen it? Have you seen Locke? It's amazing. It's amazing. No one else could carry it

He's in a car the whole movie. There's no one else in the movie. Wow It's him in a car making phone calls and the movie is tremendous and then he also did the gang movie this year We plays two different brothers, which is amazing. He's hilarious in it. I saw that movie the cray brothers Yes, and it's one you ever heard that? I haven't heard about the movie. I know about those guys. It's fascinating because the gangsters from London, he's London, and their twins, and one of the guys is, one of the guys is this really great mobster type dude,

cool, Frank Sinatra type, cool motherfucker, and the other brothers just, he actually, he got brain damage because they got no fight when there were kids And the cool one hit the other one in the head and gave him brain damage So he's fucking out of his mind and he's like crazy and he's bisexual He needs an eight AIDS test if you know what I mean He's gay so I mean just you know, it's such it's so great that this guy will kill you and fuck fuck dudes. I think that's just so fucking unique.

But he played both guys. And you couldn't, you, not one second, did you not believe that it was two different people? As twins. He's also great in the drop, which is not a great movie, but he's amazing in every scene in Canada. He's the movie. Have you seen Bronson? Yes. He's unbelievable.

Do you know the guy, the older guy in prison, he meets with the T-Cup who's kind of gay? Oh, yeah. That guy is supposed to be one of the Kray brothers. He's based on one of the, because Bronson in real life met one of the Kray brothers in prison. So that guy he meets and then later he goes on to play him. Right. Interesting.

So, he's also incredible in the Revenant. I thought he was better than Leo in the Revenant. I thought so too. Great. con bolotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros! Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Bueno, hay también una cosa interesante. Así que, vamos a agregar, excepto por tú, Luciano.

Luciano, Luciano, por favor. Yo soy un baby, yo quiero que yo me domine. Yo soy Boston, yo sé que es Spanish y I let you get me sometimes but not all the time I got it, you know what I mean? I'm from Boston also you can dominate me I'll pay you money to do it. Yeah, but he's from that other parts. I Want to be tied up and just smacked around a little bit I don't know I thought the Oscars were fucking all over the place this year. It used to be a ceremony Celebrating these famous people that we put there. We put them there by going to their fucking movies and watching their stuff and giving

them our money. They're millionaires because of us. I think it's a little reversed though. They are fed to us and then we've fought on. The industry chose these people, put them in the space and then we went, okay, that's what we like. But the industry chooses what people, put them in the same... And then we went, okay, that's what we like now. But the industry chooses what they think we like. You understand?

Yes, so it is us. They're not always here with that. But they're trying to give us what they think we like. And then we see these, oh, cool. And now we celebrate this fucking thing once a year that was like, oh, I remember Oscar night, I remember, friends of friends of mine would all pick who's gonna win and now it's like a fucking joke.

It's a joke upon, it just makes fun of itself. It's like who's gonna host and trash everybody for being a star. But that's always what it's been. But I think so. I think so, get older, you grow up and then it changes to you. I think Billy, Billy, oh oh yeah, go ahead, sorry. I mean, it might just be different for you

because you've grown up, now you have a kid and what, bababoo, bababoo, you change, so the thing is. What do you just call my kid? I didn't call him anything, I'm saying baboo, I mean, I think he- I got a laugh from Deepu, even though he didn't do it in the mic for the first time. Everybody else, he laughs right in the mic. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I'm not going to be a Luxembourg. I'm going to be pulling up. All right. Got some chat if you want.

Yeah, I would love some chat. Let's go to the chat. We have a chat room that we do. And is that the kind where you meet people in the parking lot again? Greg Rock 5 says, for Tom Hardy to be a British actor and to pull off an impeccable dirty Southern accent is fucking crazy. Okay, great. So you should get that.

Okay, we have nothing to say to that. Yeah, I mean, accent. Yeah, it's a little dark. It feels like a little dark. I can't see anyone's faces. There you can. You're looking right at me. Shadow-y, you're shadowed a little bit. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face.

I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face.

I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face. I can see everybody's face me shadowy your shadow The little bit I can see everybody's here. It's your buddy's face shadow cam about the lighting fuck what is he of key grip? Christ kill us says Christ kill it. Jesus. He says Bobby should be on thunder I like that. That was I don't get it. He's not thin. No dude

Well said I got fit you that's not thin. No, dude. Well, I got fit you asked. I said you look good. Yeah, but now you said I look bad. I didn't say you look bad You said I should not be on Thinder because I'm not thin. I would be fatter Stand by that first of all, don't use the ever Fatter around me. Okay, honey Token white kid says depth sucks same character every time. wow really silly. who doesn't make sense.

it doesn't make sense. what else you got? you're fucking chats thanks today buddy. what's going on? what else you got? someone says they would gladly eat luchana's poop. poop or puss? puss or poop?

is that a lot of correct? poop is crazy. thank you. thank you so much. taste like. Yeah tastes like fucking I didn't say my shrimp But that's delicious. I just had my vagina was so that's anything else. What else do you? Someone chimes in Joe's sister's ass is one of the few things that would fit into Joe's mouth I don't get that real It's also terrible and it's wordy. There's nothing worse than a terrible wordy joke.

And it's not terrible because it's wordy. It's just an added fucking shittiness to it. I thought it's creative. He's calling Joe sister's ass small. Because he's white. Wow, and nothing worse than a wordy trying to defend it. No, earlier when you said you were going to eat, you don't eat, you eat.

No, I remember that. Yeah, but when you're saying eating ass, you mean the whole. He's not eating the whole butt. Like that's crazy. You're right, the asshole would not change. It's not too small to fit. It's just too big.

I like the effort though. I don't like it. I don't care for it, frankly. What's about a bob? Do you get sad? What's going on here? No, I didn't get, what's this for? I just wanted to give it back to you

Why all my sister shit her ass. Yeah My I know I have to read this real quick. Sorry. I'll take over no my sister needs is dying from kidney disease Joe and You said that like me like that was supposed to hurt like I said This actually I'm gonna put a link up, but yeah, she needs kidney, bad, she was in the hospital again. I'll give her a kidney. What, to blood type of you? I don't know.

What blood type is she? B plus. Nobody wants my kidney. Yeah, my, my blood type is my outlook on life. Be negative. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, she is well. I actually like that joke. I was just reading about my sister's sad text.

It's an old joke. What's happened with her kidney? Well, she has kidney disease. And around 17 years ago, she had a kidney transplant. Thank God, the next-to-neighborer, Neal, give her a kidney. And then I guess kidney's only last for around 16, 17 years. And you know, I really forgot about that, except for her, we were all just like, and then,

you know, now I'll just say, you know, sick. So when you have bad kidneys, a cold could kill you. You know, a cold could kill you. You know, simple cold, come with someone. But even with the transplant, that kidney goes bad also. That kidney doesn't last forever. No, it doesn't. You get only last for around 16, 17. So she doesn't have the kidney disease anymore.

Just that kidney is now failing because it's been too long. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, well, her other kidney is bad too. You know what I mean? She has a kidney disease. So this kidney, she needs another transplant. She needs to be on the list again, and the donor list had mass general. It's a living donor website, living a donor kidney evaluation.

I have a lot of friends in the evaluation. And Massachusetts, so definitely give me that, and Boston, give me that link. Yeah, I mean, it's weird. I mean, if somebody does say, look, I can do this. They, her insurance pays for everything. So you just kinda go in and someone who gives a kidney, their rehab time is way quicker than the, and the operation is way better than it was 16 years ago.

They just do everything better now. So it's not like you're laid up for a fucking year. Yeah. But yeah, she needs a fucking kidney and it's not like you're laid up for a fucking year. But yeah, she needs a fucking kidney. And it's sad, I love my sister, I love her. I was gonna say to death, maybe the wrong thing is that. But I couldn't imagine having a fucking depend on an organ from another human being. I mean, that's a heavy load to have that when's a heavy load to, to, to have that when

you go to bed at night, you know, or now she's gonna have to go. So how long does it, like, what is the time span that she, wait, what? No, I'm kidding. I got to go. I gotta go. I gotta leave. You're just fucking. There's no going to cry. Hold me. All right.

Hold my sister. Uh-huh. Yeah, Yeah, I don't know. There's no, there's no top, what happens is it's slowly deteriorate. So she gets sick, sick, sick, and then she has to go on dialysis, which is dialysis. And I've, I've, I went to dialysis with her. It's fucking mind-boggling. What's dialysis? What's dialysis?

No, she gets hooked up to a machine. You'll go. And they literally take all the blood out of her body and put it through a filter and put it back in her body. It's four hours and you sit in this fucking chair and you have to have, oh, fuck. You have to have a permanent stint put in your vein

so they can just hook up to it every week. Well, every day, sometimes it's four to five times a week. So every day, or four times a week, you have to go to this place, get hooked up to this machine, sit there, and fucking clean your blood for four hours. Because that's what your kidney does. So it basically does the job of your kidney until she gets a transplant. It's amazing by the way that they can do that. a transplant. Yeah, it's a fun thing. It's amazing by the way that they can do that.

So yeah, Joe, it's like yoga. Yeah. Yoga is hard. It's fucking hot in there, dude. That's really gonna stretch. Do you have hot yoga? I do, yeah. Okay.

Let's talk about yoga. Come on, I mean, that's enough with this. That's scary. Do you have kidney problems? Is it hereditary? No, I don't. I mean, thank God. I'm not gonna be enough with this. That's scary. Do you have kidney problems? Is it hereditary? No, I don't. I mean, thank God I don't have anything. I have nothing wrong with me, right?

I mean, I go to the doctors once a year. I just went in for a checkup, but my blood pressure is fucking perfect. I dropped, you know, 20 pounds. What a cholesterol, cholesterol, scary. What's that? What a cholesterol. Everything's great. The only thing I was, cholesterol, cholesterol scary. What's that? What about cholesterol? But everything's great.

The only thing I was lacking was, do I have an incest? You get an AIDS test. Oh, I thought you said, did I do incest? I was like, Jesus, my, not with those kidneys. I was messing around with a chick with fucked up kidneys. No incest. I said I was healthy, not an angel. I got an AIDS test back when AIDS was AIDS, honey.

You know what I mean? Not now, your AIDS is the deal with it. AIDS was happening. I was talking about a fucking AIDS, was fucking AIDS. Like Philadelphia AIDS? Yeah, I got, yeah, like fucking AIDS. Of all the ways to tell someone like, what's what about your generation?

AIDS is the funniest. AIDS meant something. When I was a kid, we watched the Oscars and AIDS fucking killed you. We had real rid of the AIDS and fucking Wippy Goldberg hosted. Oh my God. Did you guys see that I am speaking of the Oscars that tweet about the whole thing? Yeah, Wippy Goldberg. It's like you people are just ruining everything. Somebody tweeted like, Wopper looked great in this dress,

and it was, whoopie Goldberg. And I'm like, no wonder everyone's saying everyone's racist. You fucking idiots. They're not racist, they're just fucking stupid. Here, like a fuck the race thing. I mean, I want to talk about this, that's fine. The race, I get it. Chris Rock, I think, did a great job,

but I think he fucking, enough enough. You know what I mean? I think the Oscars this year are fucking stung. And I'm done with them to be honest. Until I win one. And then why you laughing? Can I be your date? Well, it's a joke.

And drugs and drugs and drugs. That's a TV show. Oscars more deals with like, you don't know where he's gonna go after that. I do. I think you're gonna win one. Yeah, you're fucking absolutely right. I'm pulling in today the thing.

I see Jessica Kirsten. She's walking like panicky and I go, hey, Chris Jess and I'm about to ask her you want to come up to the podcast? I go, what's what you going she goes? Rehearsing right now with Robert De Niro. Oh, well, I saw them working together downstairs and I'm like What and I'm like, oh well, she's like, what are you doing? I'm going to meet Joe list in a couple of other comics Do a podcast and all those things that nobody does Oh, she's like, what are you doing? I'm going, I'm going to meet Joe List in a couple of other comments. Do a podcast and all those things that nobody does. Nobody has a podcast, right? It's just me.

I'm, no, I have a podcast. I know. It's my, it's my, my Monday's with memories. Yeah. We, uh, I was like, fucking, and I love Jess. It's great for her, but it's like, fucking, wow, that's, you never know. I mean, you, you sitting that's, you never know. I mean, you're sitting here doing spots at the seller

and doing YouTube videos or Facebook videos, and now she's working with fucking the narrow. So you really never know on this fucking business. Amy Schumer was nominated for a Golden Globe and a Saga or just Golden Globe. We don't know, okay. But I don't really know. Okay.

I saw Jessica having that video. I was awkward to show, don't know. Okay. But I don't really know. Okay. I saw Jessica had that. You had that. I was awkward show I've ever had. It's my fault because I usually have just one new person on, but I had two. Don't look at me when you see that. You love me.

I have. Great. So it's me. So you love me. Sorry, Dan. Okay, well, all right. Well, did you call you Dan? Yeah, relax Lucy.

Brand Dan. She called her Lucy. She'd be dizzy Cuz she's okay. Yeah, we get it. Oh wow. Can I have the bandana, please? It's a bomb. Yeah, yeah, hey, you want to wrap this around your head? I don't know I saw him wiping his mouth. That was that was it. That was a racist on your balls. Those are racist Spanish joke It was on your balls. Those are racist Spanish jokes. Oh, I see. Two shay. Two shay.

You know, Chileans never been dangerous. Those old made joke I was trying to flip out at you. Anyways, I want to talk about this, the fucking, the outfits that, like, whoopies outfit, I don't understand it. I don't fucking get fashion whatsoever. That's not really fashion. What is that? What are these fucking dresses that they're wearing

with these a fucking 12 foot ribbon on her tits? They look like fucking ugly Christmas gifts. I don't fucking get it. I don't understand it. I know. I mean, I'll listen to our cat, but Trisha our cat. I love her as an actress. She's my favorite movie of all time, True Romance.

She's so sexy. And then she walks out and she looks like just a shitty elf. Just a few minutes. I didn't see what she was like. I guess I don't know. I don't know what dress it was. And it's ruffles and ribbons and fucking it looks like just shitty packaging I think designers just send them to them for free and then they just wear whatever they like

But you can't say like you I mean does anybody in her camp go and Nana No, I don't know but you should I can't has a camp. I know. I don't think she has a camp. She's done in the camp place anymore What about the broad who, from Mad Max, who won... Shully's the own? No. Did you see her dress? No, what did? No, lady.

And everyone was saying, you're talking about the costume lady. Yes, ma'am. And everyone, thank you. And everyone gives, like, she's a hero, she didn't dress up. And it's like, she's wore like a motorcycle jacket. Like, it's an event put on a something.

Yeah. That's why this fucking whole Oscars, it was like, it was about black issues, it was about the Oscars stink, and then some chick walking down with a fucking pinky Tuskegee Darrow sat in jacket. It's like, I was like, what is this?

What is this? Like nobody gives a fuck anymore. Like, should I? Like, that's, it was fucking weird, man. Well, it's interesting because I feel like the lead story the next day used to be who won Best Movie, who won Best Actor, and it's not anymore.

Now, what is it? Now the lead story is what joke was most offensive and who had the craziest speech. That's it. That's it. If you go to CNN, it was all about that lynching joke where it's like, it didn't used to be like that He used to the host was secondary, but that's a neoscars. That's our culture. Well right, but that's reflected in what did you think about that joke?

I thought it was a great joke. Joe I was reading it on subtitles. I was at the stand the joke was yeah Yeah, you try to be smarter than everybody else. No, I'm Working on those joke. Oh, okay. You're reading instead of smarter than everybody else? No, I was working. That was joke. Like you're reading instead of, oh, I get you. Nice talking to you. I am the band. I was going to keep the bandana and I deserve it. Yeah, bomb data.

Bandana kind of lessons it. It makes it seem like bomb data. Bomb data means you bombed. Yeah, I'm bombing. Bomb. Got it. We have the name of the show. Bobby bomb.

Yeah, I didn't mind the joke. It was fine name of the show. Bobby Ball. I didn't mind the joke. It was fine. It's whatever. But first of all, I just don't think, I think for most of the Oscars, I don't know if there's a lot of lynching going on. I think that was pre Academy Awards probably. Yeah, I think so too.

When did they call me? Definitely not. The Academy Awards started in like the 20. What's talking about lynching in Connecticut I guess, lynching in Connecticut. Oh, lynching in Connecticut. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, there was lynching in my point.

That went out in the 80s. At one point, lynching in the Oscars went on at the same time. But it's fine. I don't know. It was a good joke. It was crazy. It was primetime ABC.

They went for it, obviously. I thought it was a good joke. What did you think about it? I don't know what joke we're talking about. It was actually on an airplane during the Oscars. But I but i did see i saw some of the he basically said that back in the day black people didn't worry so much about how many black people were winning Oscars because they had more important issues like aunt whatever and their grandmother's name yes we came from a tree Chris rock doesn't that imply that there's no now this is the biggest problem

because they're still being shot in the streets by police. So it's kind of a weird, but it's the joke's fine. It's a fucking joke. The joke is they had more important shit to worry about. We're talking about, let's talk about it. And they should have more important shit to worry about now than whether you went a fucking Oscar,

people being shot and killed. Well, what's the thing? It's like we have a black president. Like, you know, like we're really like sitting there boycotting like this, you know, it's not like, oh, ever, like the whole world is racist. A lot of people are, but it's like. I don't think you just said anything. I mean, I just, I mean, you're pretty, but not that pretty.

I literally was with you and then I went, she said, no, I think I just not paying attention. I mean, I do say like a lot you do I don't know I click like a lot on Facebook no what was racist is that they played fight the power when they ended the show yeah it's fun I mean we're fucked dude I mean with it's just it's a wrap yeah it's the way we know show business the way we know entertainment I think it's it's just a fucking wrap you way we know show business, the way we know entertainment, I think it's just a fucking wrap. We're not going back to the time when Billy Christ

who would do a song and dance number, and we could just sit there smiling, just a bunch of white people going, yay, L going each other. But it will, if five people get nominated, next year, the list move right on. I'll tell you. I call it right now, do you think a lot of nominated, next year, they'll just move right on. I'll tell you. I call it right now.

Do you think a lot of black people next year are going to be nominated? Well, that's what's interesting, because one year, a few years ago, 10 years ago, whatever, no black people got nominated, and it was a big deal. People talked about it. And the next year, you're Hally and Denzel won, and then people started to go, well, clearly,

it's just a makeup call. And you're like, well, how are we going to be happy? Exactly. So now it's a makeup call. So what is, and then I have this problem, I was talking to some black friends about it, and they were like, I was like, well, Hally, Barry, well, they just not written, like, well, how are we gonna be happy? Exactly. So now it's a makeup call. Exactly. So what is it? And then I have this problem. I was talking to some black friends about it. And they were like, I was like, well, how are you, Barry?

Well, they just not writing like, yeah, but she got fucked by Billy Bob. That's how you have to win an Oscar as a black person. You got to get fucked by Billy Bob Thornton. And like, well, isn't that racist? Getting fucked by a white guy. So, she's great in the movie. And then like, you can win it for precious. She won.

And like, yeah, but that's how they portray a black person. AIDS and fat. And I'm like, well, what about Tom Hanks? He won for having AIDS. You know what I mean? Like how they portray a black person. Aides and fat. And I'm like, well, what about Tom Hanks? He won for having aides. You know what I mean? Like, it's a great performance. So it has to be a very specific performance for a black person to win for people to be happy.

And it can't be next year because they protested too much. It's very confusing and odd. And I feel like this bigger problem is, and a lot of people didn't get nominated. That could have been. I thought the kid from room could have got nominated. But he didn't get nominated. No. So, but so but you know it's

12 years of slave one where they just did to go year off from being racist they just skipped that year they decided not to be racist that year which it was not the best movie the year by the way but it won yeah and so I just don't get it the argument this big argument that Hollywood lost it Hollywood is racist and it seems crazy but but I'm also naive, and I'm also not even able to do this. But it seems like- How the fuck is the most liberal fucking place in the world

in the country, Hollywood? I mean, it's run by fucking the most liberal motherfuckers ever. But I do think sometimes, maybe I'm in a box and I'm naive because I'm just reading, you know, liberal comics, feeds, and I'm in New York City and I hang out with good people, but then I do go to like,

Pennsylvania and four comics in front of me, make like actual racist jokes, and the crowd's like, yeah! And I watch a Trump rally, and they're like, yeah! And I'm like, well, this is horrifying. So I'm not trying to add that there's not racism. I just think there's,

you're very, I think a year of 20 people, not, there's no black people getting nominated for an Oscar, it's not crazy. And I think, you make a good point, because we I think we we're in New York and we're in our own bubble and the comedy community I think is really diverse especially now there's a lot of women there's a lot of minorities and where kind of once you're a comic you're just a comic you're not a black comic way well just if you're a good comic you're a good comic, you're a fucking comic.

So I think it's a weird, it is weird, but when you do go, like I've been to cigar places in Pennsylvania and it's really a little creepy, the conversation gets a little fucking hair, it goes from how to feel dress a deer to, they start using word they and them and you look. Ooh, kind of in a bubble here, see for good. Yeah, maybe, I mean, yeah, you guys should write with that.

But I just also realize, I also realize when it comes up that quickly with a guy, they don't even know, when like, if I'm on the road and the guy starts telling me sort of racist stuff, and I'm like, I just met this guy, could you imagine how he is around his friends? Right, right. You know what I mean, that he's just a stranger, he I'm like, I just met this guy. Could you imagine how he is around his friends? Right, right.

You know what I mean? That he's just a stranger. He's just like, how about these guys? Right. And I'm like, whoa, I don't know you. So all that stuff is significant to me. And obviously the incarceration numbers are fucking wild. The poverty numbers are wild.

The police brutality number are all crazy. Okay, but the Oscars, I can't see. But you have to do the numbers too of like, okay, there's way more black people in jail than white people that's way more white people than black people right So I mean you can't do that number without doing that number. That's what I'm saying that's that's problem Some and we have to figure that out and get to it That's why it's so with those numbers being the way they are is that a word problem some I'm dumb I'm the probably the problematic problematic problem. I'm the dumbest guy in the room

But that made my eyebrows go I got it. I was another word problem some problematic. What's problematic then problem some? In the middle of it So some is a world problem some yeah, if you're a mukbang or you're on Sesame Street, problem sum might work. Pull it up, she's got something there. If you ever have to stop to say the rest of your dresser, it's not a word. It's not a word.

Dude, in the middle of it, if you have to go problem sums. It is. Problem sums. No, that's a math. That's a children's math. There is a word. I choose from Jersey. I knew she'd go, wait, it is.

My father said problem sum. I was a problem some all right Well the problem and you fucking cut all right me I look at I get fucking yelled at all the time for being dumb Take a hit I took a hit and that comes what are you talking about and I hear y'all had your dumb fun I also I also like realized you said it and then I looked at Bobby to make sure it was okay for me to interrupt you Because I'm new I was like and I saw he was trying to look at you and I was like all right I'm gonna say only your look to Bobby made him think that it was We both went what the fuck dude Yeah, if we had this replay

Deepu bring that back Whatever hit my fucking fat job bones from eating so much just right here looks like it just fucking hippo Sorry, now I just hate myself. Sorry Anyways, she looks problem some it's oh Yikes Hang on uno momento Go ahead. I just it's strange to me to have this 20 This fucking first of all this 300,000 performers a million and 20 of them none of them were blank that were nominated

I don't think it's a crazy huge problem. Well, I think ice cubes kid actually said I like what he said He was like look it's just go make better. Let's go make more shit and go make better shit He said he was like, look, it's just go make better, let's go make more shit and go make better shit. Just go be more, go be creative. You didn't pick us this year or fuck you. We'll just go make more shit. Let's, as black people in the black community, let's get more directors, more producers,

more writers, more stars. Let's go do shit and just keep doing it and then become undeniable. Become fucking undeniable. I mean, that's what you have to do as a comic. Look, in the comedy community, I'm not comparing the black fucking struggle to comics, you know, comedy struggle, but I mean, there's what the industry likes. And, you know, and then there's funny people.

And then there's everybody in the middle. I mean, sometimes you have to become unfuckin' deniable, because they're not gonna pick you. I know, sometimes you have to become unfuckin' that Iable, because they're not gonna pick you. You know, I'm, I look, I'm fucking, I'm not fucking young, minority. I'm, I'm fucking what the industry has grown to hate. A fucking, you know, a white married dude.

They don't fucking want me at any fest. They don't want me on any channel, but I have to do what I have to do I have to become funny. I have to go to clubs and just kill kill kill get my fan base do my podcast Do whatever the fuck I have to do go to acting class become Good at everything I could possibly do because they're not gonna give me the opportunity They're gonna give some guy with fucking 10 minutes of mediocre material, but you know, he looks cool.

Right, you know? Yeah, you don't look cool. I don't, of course I don't. I'm a fly, I look like Michael Chickles. I like that too, that looks cool. I didn't notice that before. Oh, this one? No, the other one.

Oh, sorry. Stop trying to show me all your guns. I know, I know, I just thought I did that. I saw Michael Chickles go into a hotel in Midtown with four hookers One dude he's married with kids, so he wasn't he wasn't Chiklis, oh that might have not been Chiklis this was years ago. Yeah, please don't fucking don't do that to any man on my show I didn't know what if it was his wife my wife was a fan. I didn't know Michael Chiklis was married

Every time he comes home he goes she goes you know what? Stop fucking doing that it might not have been him. I'm really back in this story Can we edit that I don't want I've always said I'm not gonna go on a podcast and throw Chick-Lis under the bus Yeah, take care that It was Chick-Full I was just gonna be guys heard the first one. That was a very problem, some comment. What do you got in the chat, kid?

I don't have luck you'd up. You want to give me a minute? Come back, please. I guess. I don't know. You gave me a choice. Oh, yeah. Don't take a pee break.

I could pee. All right. Let's take a break. We're going to do a five, a a pee break. Um, oh, you want a pee. I could pee. Um, alright, let's take a break. I'm not gonna heart out in like a half hour. We're gonna do a five, a ten minute break and everybody's gonna pick all the women are gonna pee. All the men are gonna hold it in like men. I have to pee real bad. Uh, okay, I said all the women are gonna pee and the men are gonna-

Are you calling me a woman? Yes, I am vaguely- That's a nice compliment. Uh, how- Today it is, in this fucking day and age, back in the day it'd be a fucking bitch. Yeah, back in the day when AIDS was tough Okay, sorry. I fucked up. I hit the button a little quick. We're going for a break right now We're gonna take a pee we back in five minutes, okay You're listening to proper killies. You know what dude broadcast on breakast.com

Wow, we're back. Um, the, first of all, has been different. No, I kind of, I look, man, we usually have like fucking eight people on. It's crazy. I actually enjoyed this episode a lot. It's been, I've been a little out of it myself. So I apologize, but you guys are fucking great. We were talking about the Oscars before we went on piss break. And, you know, it's, I wish I had more of a fucking opinion, like a formed opinion about what the fuck happened on it, but, you know, I didn't want the end of it.

And, you know, I thought, I just, I think it's fucking stupid, but it's sad to me what the fuck has happened to these things. Every award show is now just making fun of itself. Like it's stupid that we're doing this, but we're still doing it. So fucking what the fuck's going on. But we do that all the time. That's all we do. I know, but it's what we do.

It's not what they do. Exactly. They actors had that thing about them, which I kind of like, you know what I, which I kind of like. You know what I mean? I kind of like them being that way. It's almost like, you know, like Deadpool. You've seen Deadpool?

No. Have you seen Deadpool? Yes. Have you seen Deadpool? Can you go see it tonight? Yeah. I am. I am.

The... You can't be totally my dick and popcorn for you. I My dick and popcorn for you I'm sorry. That's just rude of me. I say I'm sorry bed. Yes, that's harassing It's creepy It's a rassy. It's a rassy and I call their babe when I call a bed Listen, it's really problem some so you problem some problem and it's really problem sum. So you problem sum. Problems sum.

And speaking of problem sum, you can get butter and salt and your dickhole. And that causes, that's how you get kidney disease. That's how you get herpes. That's how you get it. That actually cures herpes. Are you serious? No.

Dude, I put my dick in popcorn. It's all gone fucking kid. What's all fucking butter? Here, herpes, kid. One time, my buddy, after fucking a very, what do you call it? What's the word? Permacuous. Permacuous. Permacuous, yeah. Dude, have you, what? Permacuous. I only have glasses. People think I'm smart. I have glasses. I didn't go to one second of college.

Yeah, but before you said that you didn't think What's the word from mock you with that didn't sound right? I got you do what I do wait for somebody smarter to give you the world I need to go to a different podcast for that So anyway, I thought Brennan was blowing me from this Permiscus he had sex with a promiscuous girl in an afterwards He was I went in the bathroom and I'm like, dude, that girl's fucking crazy.

And he was dumping Listerine and hydrogen peroxide on his dick, thinking of that combo. It was just foaming up like a fucking stroke. Frickdom's mouth. Yes. Gross. Whoa. I'm going to have to talk about Leo's mouth.

What was he doing? Talk more about how you hate wordy jokes. He was doing things. Yeah, he had a lip in the whole time. He did, he had a lip in the whole time. Talk more about how you hate where he jokes Get a lip in no he did he had a lip in the whole he went and gave a speech with fucking dip I think it was out for the speech, but he had a lip in the whole the whole time But are there pictures of it? He definitely no way he was dipping you know dip front row at the fucking osters in a talk If you're on your night. I know you know, I he looked to me like you I think I think he had

Bells Paul Z. Good be a lot of times. Those are what was better interchangeable. That's my biggest fear. They're going to wake up with Bells Paul Z one day and still have to do the show.

Bells Paul Z. I don't think he was dipping. Was was Leo chewing tobacco during his own. Can you read that in your head and then tell us the information? Just fucking talking to me, Agent. He will be there. And he will pick up at airport.

What did you want to do? Airport, fuck off. Look at that. Oh, fuck him. So good looking. I just got a dip in. Even with his dad. Well, first of all, can you go to a new site

instead of a chat room? No. That's doing what we did. I don't wanna do it twice. I think he was. Me too. Here's a picture of him when he was dipping on the beach. Go to a legitimate hard hitting news source.

Yeah, TN, I'm talking about Leo's fucking dip. Dude, that was really good. That was really good. That they all fucking do now. There's no hard hitting news. Name one hard hitting news source. new source leo's fucking dip dude that was like a not they all fucking do now there's no hard hitting new name one hard hitting new source uh my sister's gunt all right come on i'm kidding i don't know why i said that that's crazy she's sweet i was trying to i was trying to veer this in another direction what direction i got a hard out don't forget

let's get hard out oh you thought it was a genius who was touching his phone 450 p.m. Okay 450 you find it open I don't say I'm not saying that you're projecting I'm just saying I have to leave it I'm doing dude and you can keep doing whatever nonsense you do when I'm not here Go ahead are you on your phone you fucking no she's I You on your phone you fucking no she's nervous. We're trying to You're harassing her. I'm not nervous. I just I'm not harassing you. I'm harassing you. No, I've had worse look at me You had worse. Yeah, I'm what is worse? I go on Gavin McGuinness show all time

What's wrong with the old boy? I love me Gavin. What's wrong with that? I said oh boy, but he's, I mean, I don't care. What does he do to you? Last time, the first time he said that he didn't see my ass until I was leaving. So then that was the first thing he said when I came back. And then he made me like spin around. And like, and then I was like, okay, wait, what's happening here?

Yeah, but he likes to talk about what he would do to me. At the end of it, are you alive? Oh yeah, he looks at me, we're buds. All right, well then, he's actually, not forget. Um, well yeah, I'm kidding. I know, and he's married too. What, what, have you ever been with a married guy? Thank you, that's all. That's all, we're good. No, I'm not sure I think so, but I think oh I was

Sleeping with this baseball player, but I didn't know he was married. What was he was he a baseball player or do to play baseball? He was baseball player legitimate like on a team like a team that would be like wow Like yes, wow, like you'd pay to see not in like, not like a fucking the red bird to some shit. He plays on the mocking birds. No, the dirty devils. No, it's an actual team. With a logo, and the logo is like legitimate. I'd be okay.

It's not a fucking train, right? It's a like a chuchu train logo. I know. The rest of the show is just new making up minor league baseball games. Yeah, no, he played major league baseball. Wow, he's not on the hives, right? It's just a hot bumblebee hive.

He plays for the Pittsburgh porcupines. The Tennessee tinders. Oh, I like that. A little iteration. I've fucked a couple D3 college softball players. Oh, what? I didn't want, ask me anything. If anyone wants the deets on that.

Have you ever fucked somebody famous? Um, what about fucking someone that's about to be famous? No, I've never fucked it. I'm trying to say no. I mean, I don't know why I was trying to think is if there would be like, oh yeah, the famous person I forgot about fucking and no of course Barrymore she was I'm poltergeist We fuck somebody so apparently you fucked somebody famous a few

Girl what's that get famous in our business or famous in like okay baseballs one What are your name names? I got a hard out Bobby enough of this playing around who's who I got to me? Hey Joe I got a hard on You got 15 minutes you good let me fuck you Hopkins no you fucking Hopkins Why did you fucking the Hopkins? What did you if you fucked a famous actor? Yeah? Come on What is happening? What, did you, have you fucked a famous actor? Yeah. Hey look at it. Come on, just hit me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. We don't want, we don't want to know. I signed an NDA. Okay, you did? Hey, play for the NBA.

Wait, he may do? No, I'm just kidding. Listen to me. I know, can I tell you who it is? Yeah. His name's Ryan. No. Who it is?

Cause you look down. His name's Ryan. No. Ryan Gosling. No, I wish. I was fucking be here his name's Ryan no Ryan Gosling. What about? I wish I would fucking be here Okay, I fuck Ryan Gosling that you would he fucking wouldn't he dump you and it still be no I find Ryan's fucking taking you with him to Hollywood My body I follow him hang on that scary what she just said was the scariest thing I've ever It was hot. I would do that to Mark Wolver. I would do that to many people

You spit the come in your vagina Yeah, I'll take it with that with a turkey based area. Okay, just shove it up. Listen here That's what I want both you to slowly walk out of the studio You understand the options that women have that we don't have you get stop stop listen to this option you have you get literally fuck a famous guy blow a swallow swallow swallow is come hold it in your mouth and then jam it into your pussy when he leaves and that yes it does work no it dies in the air I heard that that's absolutely untrue women have fucked fucked guys let them come in the condom take in the condom and put it in their pussy.

And they have gotten pregnant. I'm into that. You get a payday. Candy bar? No. Well, it depends on you. Something a great deal. If he's fucking on an Italian basketball team, you get a fucking candy bar.

If we guess who it was, would you tell us? Yeah, you're never going to guess. Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy Stewart Do it to start at the beginning. What are we talking like? I know that extra I want to ask you this question. It does is has he been in movies that we yes, we know he's white Okay, so he's famous famous is he a list be list or sea list? Steve who shemi I would Steve who shemi I

Don't know. Is he an actor and comedian or just actor? Can you let her into the first question? I've got six. What's the first question? I'm never gonna say that. A or B or C. He's someone hurry it up and now you tell me to slow down.

You fucking promiscuous person. I'm trying to get an answer out of her. Well, he's done my team and movies. You would definitely recognize him from both. You fucked Al Bundy. Ten dancing. No. Is he livin'? Yes, I have daddy issues. He lives. He lives. recognize him from both you fucked out Bundy ten dancin no is he yes i have to issue the least guys does one higher does he live in new york

no he lives in all right so it's an L.a. act right to be coven berson he's not a standup comedian though so it's not a view you you famous comedians we're not counting right now i wrote down it's good good looking guy. Oh Mature Vincent de Nafrio. He's mature mature. He's mature. He's mature so 40

Matorgasm Thank you I got 12 minutes to nail this down Yeah, we gotta get it before you leave TV and movie TV and mostly TV No, I think mostly movies actually mostly Couple I don't know where's there's now is he is he a bad boy or a good boy on the movies? It's a bad boy. It's a good question bad boy a good boy Good is a good boy. Oh, this is so fun

So now anybody in the chat room, please feel really yellow out names. Someone says Charlie Sheen as a fucking Charlie Sheen. You need to be! I just got my eight times. That's why you got tested. No, but I'm not gonna lie, there was a second where I'm like, oh my god, because I'm from LA. I'm like, for one second, I was like,

what if I fuck someone who fuck someone who fuck Charlie Sheen, like maybe I have AIDS? A meal you asked to us. No. You fucked him. Okay, Bob cancat go to wait. I don't know. Dennis Leroy.

No, he's married. TV movies. No, he's married. All right. He lives in Connecticut. But he has a, I can't. Oh, it's related to Dennis Leroy. He has a what?

I can't. No, I can't. It's related to Dennis Leroy. I got it. I got it. I fucking got it. Who is it? You fuck Kevin Costner.

No. I think it's someone. He it. Who is it? You fuck Kevin Costner? He was so he was like so Sold okay now so he did more movies than TV, but he's on TV now is he on TV now? He's not on TV now actually yeah, he is he was a show on TV But like is it on or is it on reruns? Yeah, I've heard can tell me, you can tell if it's a reruns or if it's on. Is it on or is it on reruns? It's on. Oh, okay. So it's a success.

I know it is. I know it is. I got it. You fuck Chris O'Donnell. No, that's not bad. I don't wait. I can't say anymore. You don't have to.

We're going to say we're going to solve it. Sure. I'm not Ryan Reynolds. What about Ryan have to. We're gonna say, we're gonna solve it, Sierra. I'm not sure. I'm not. Ryan Reynolds. What about Ryan Reynolds? No, I'm not. He lives here. He lives here.

I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams.

I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I'm Williams. I anymore. It's way over. I'm stubborn. Okay, we can get this. We can do this. Just think successful shows on television.

Something with Dennis Leary. He's worked with Dennis Leary. He's been on TV. What else is Leary done besides that bullshit he's doing now? I know who it is. Keep saying that. You always get it wrong. Shut up. Yummy. We got fucking 50 moments left to the show I'm not speaking anymore I know what is I know what is that was the most kid brother comment of

all time I know it is and I'm not I'm I shot up I know I keep saying it I'm trying to fill space you fuck is it my brother oh oh oh William Shatner TV movie good guy mature. John Stamos? I wish. Dave Kool-Hee. Cut it out. I'm done. What are you doing Bob?

I'm done talking. I know it is. I'm done talking. Are you showing us or are you texting the person? Can you settle? Could I have a fucking second to breathe? I have a hard time. John Corbin.

Whoa, that was it. I got it! I got it. I got it. Do not. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I is disappointing. I have no idea who that is. Yeah, well, you don't need to know. Oh, that's a bummer. All right, we all keep that was crazy. That was crazy. You understand? I should have been a PI. That's what I'm going to do. If I don't make it, shut down the comedy, and I'm getting the fucking hut up in Westchester, and I'm solving crimes in Manhattan. That's my thing. I think the wrong letters. You should be an MC. I can't believe I know it. I know what you like. I know what you like girl. I had to go I had to go into you I had to go into your little style what you kind of like and a dude and then I figured out you know I figured out the the I got you now I got you.

I don't know why everyone is the, if you want me not to tell people. That's amazing. We're gonna have to work something out. I mean, because I'll do fucking nine shows about it. And this is my biggest month ever, by the way. What? Can I ask how you met this guy?

How do you think it? Look at it. I, I, I, I, I think she met a few clubs. Yeah, she, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They were in a glass blowing class together on the fucking west side. Of course, he went to a restaurant, she was waiting tables at, and they fucking met. Right? But no, I met him at a bar in restaurant in LA, and I approached him.

You did? How'd you approach him? What was your first line? Well, I was waiting for the bathroom. And I saw him and I knew he was and we went to the same gym. And I was like, oh my god. And then I went back to my table. And my best friend was like, that guy was staring at you.

I was like, yeah, because I was staring at him. And she was like, no, he was like staring at you. Go talk to him. And I was like, never. And then I was like, what do I care? I'm drunk. So I went and talked to him. Right.

And then we, you know, went out for a while and... Why do I smell hot dogs right now? Mm-hmm. I don't know. Was it good? Yes. Awesome. Yes.

Did you end it at a heat? Uh... Him. Ha ha ha ha. I'll save you. I'll save you. No, it was not. No, it was mutual. No'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. every minute. It was the best day, the best night of my life. It was one night in a hotel. For the first time was it? It was in a hotel. Yeah, it was in a hotel and an apartment. Wow. And the same, the same night was a hotel. No, it's not. No, I'm just saying, well, the last time was the best night. I don't yell at me. Relax.

I'm just trying to get the last time was the best night or the first time. Both, but the last night, because I remember that one more. Because you were sober. No. You weren't sober. You had to be drunk every time. Both, but the last night, because I remember that one more. Because you were sober. No. You weren't sober. You had to be drunk every time. No, I'm not. No. You're an alcoholic.

You need help. What do you want to do? Listen, we're going to wrap this fucking show. Yeah, I'm going to heart out, Doug. All right, so does anybody have any guesses in there? Well, Don Swaisy, I don't know who that is. Excuse me? Who's Don Swaisy? Patrick Swaisy. Patrick Swaisy. I don't know who that is. Excuse me?

Who's Don Swazie? Patrick Swazie. Patrick Swazie's son. Jim Parsons, Bob Sagitts. Bob Sagitts. Jim Parsons. Okay. All right.

There we go. Yeah. What can they see me? I can do a little better than that. Bob Sagitt, Jim Parsons. Don Swazie. What the fuck are you talking about? A little bit better. Yeah, you're right. They kind of stopped guessing after you said you figured it out.

Yeah, she's pretty hot. It doesn't make sense that, right? All right, sweetie. What do you got? Now that I know you, now that I know if you're real standards, I know that we're all out. I'm going to be at the stand tonight at 10 p.m. I'm gonna be at the Where am I gonna be the Hartford funny bone on March 24th? Are you are you headlining? Are you working with somebody with yeah with different? Well, you work with I'm working with I don't know they're just I'm just but I'm not I'm not at your level relax But no, that's what I'm saying. I'm trying to help help you the whole show out you fucking weird out with the fucks right away you I

We I insult her a little bit you got a little I myself you know really I was just trying to say who the other comic was I thought you was gonna show with somebody That's all no just coding moving. Oh, all right No, I'm trying to I didn't mean to make you I was trying to do that. I was just saying like who you with. That's all, boom. All right, so what's your Instagram? You're all that shit. Everything, it's my name, which is really complicated.

Luciana Gatica, at Luciana Gatica, everything. That's a hard one. LU, C-H-A-N-A, G-A-T-I-C-A, or just look on this podcast, Twitter. Yeah, we got it up here. Yeah, it might help if you change it to air. No, but he has a weird spelling. So yeah, I had to ask him when we were walking in.

Yeah, that's what's stopping me from fucking you. That's the spelling of my name. Yeah. That's what's ruining it for me. Yeah, I should look into that. Guys, hard out. Yeah, well you go. Buddy, you got fucking 10 minutes.

No, four minutes. I know. 450. All right, what do you got, Joe? March 16th, helium and Philadelphia. I am headlining. It's a Wednesday. It's a stop bragging.

It's a stop bragging. I could use you to come out here, because I'm not selling a lot of tickets. So if you come out, Philly, I know you have a big fan base in Philly. It's a Wednesday night I'll keep it quick and be over early gonna be it back to your kids. How much time do you do in your head long? I do 50 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Whatever. I suck today. This is the today. You were great today Not funny, but very good solid not physically solid, but solid as like a performer. I have a food headache. Can you hurry up? I guess you could give that bomb data back to me, but oh shit. I press the wrong button. Oh March 11th and 12th

Long Island. I'm doing the brokerage and the other one Maguire's 11th Maguire the 12th. Oh, they they rock baby James fucking great guy. Yes, and then great great family great guy Everybody in Long Island go see Joe Philadelphia Make sure you go check out Joe and and and make sure you check out my baby girl Luchia you're really harassing her and I don't like it. No, he's jealous No, because he but he was in the head see but you like me more. I just like you more I have pictures of us naked and the beach together. Well, give us a minute. We just met I think Brendan is for you I'm getting a man shed with my own key bro. I get a heart out

I'm bad with the beat if I fucking want to fuck a jigs and a shed in my back Well my wife and kid were in the house I was like I gotta go right I gotta go right and play drums She's like how's your bird house coming? Your hair is all messed up, your glasses are crooked. Why do you smell like gizz? Those birds really like the food. And then I have a podcast called, Mondays with Memories. It's called Two Days with Stories and it's really cooking. We got some hot sexy guests coming up and. I've never been on it. No, and maybe

maybe you'll have you on after you pay me my t-shirt money. That might be fun. I gotta get you that money. Alright, please. What do you got, man? Brendan. I will be. Brendan, I know.

Brendan, what's up buddy? Um, at last. Thanks for coming on first, I'm whole. Thanks for having me, man. He's really fucking funny. Thanks for having me. Great. You know, both of you guys, thanks for coming on.

It was awesome. This means a lot. Big fan, so I'm happy to be here. Definitely come back on again, definitely, right? Yeah, absolutely. Is that your both of you guys, thanks for coming on. This means a lot. Big thing. Definitely come back on again. Definitely. Yeah, absolutely. Is that your way of trying to get my number? No, no, I'm going to get that. I hope you're not.

Too bad I got it. Just mine. Hashtag shed. You have to fucking DM me that. Don't you know how to fucking cheat at all? I'm going to do it on the air. You fucking weirdo. What?

Hashtag shed. Hashtag shed. DJ shed. I'm not a fucking cheater at all. I'm gonna do it on the air, you fucking weirdo. Um, what the? Hashtag shed. Hashtag shed. DJ shed. Go ahead. I will be your head shed. I'm gonna fucking secret headroom. I'll be at Laf Boston with a club. I love that club. I haven't been there yet.

It's my first time. I'll be there with Colin Joost. March 18th. See how I was just there. Yeah, but this is the problem, you fucking insecure asshole. He was with, I was like, who are you there with? Like the whole show because, you know what I mean? If you're there with somebody.

I wasn't trying to like, I know. I know, I know, I just can't. I know, but I'm sorry. All right. I know what's up. Yeah, yeah, get in there. No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry, good job.

I love you, dude. You'll be back on way more than her. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Jesus Christ, get in there. I'm kidding. I love you dude. Uh-huh. You'll be back on way more than her I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Uh, Jesus Christ. Joe help me I'm needing my name for him package deal. Okay And then I will be on Adam Divine's house party on Comedy Central March 31st. The fuck is that? It's like their new low level. It's their new intro level stand-up show. Why are you applauding it? It's's a big deal for him he's getting on TV and happy that's my first TV thing I will don't let it let us all applaud don't think this look bad by you're fucking applauding you're right I should have applauded the funny bone

plug as well I wish you had a fun I don't I said I'm gonna like Sarah's TV thing April April 6th of course you can can, you're my mouse my birthday. Yes, plus Sarah. No, I would say, but I'm. Yes, her TV thing is way more important than you. Adam Devine, the Sous-Party April, the week of course. Oh, he was just talking about that.

That's why I heard it and I thought, you know, it was done in Hawaii. Yeah, me and Joe had a, a rousing tennis match. It was like tennis in Hawaii. Like, like real whites. Yeah. We had in the show on a fucking lol. That's the fucking way of hard out, member.

Make it harder. Make it quicker too. Listen, hey, so yeah dude, thanks for coming on and we'll definitely check on the show and laugh boss and you're gonna love that show. And the funny bonus, I love that club too. The people there, when I first went there I was like fuck this place. But then actually I really, the funny bonus, I love that club, too. The people there, when I first went there, I was like, fuck this place.

But then actually, I really, the manager there, if it's the same manager, she's really cool. The sound got, what? It's not. What is? It's not the same manager. Oh, it's not? She's gone?

She's gone. What, who's there now? The guy, the her assistant? Oh, the black dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's the manager. Yeah. That's why I haven't been back. You know what, fucking guy used to do when you're on stage and you're going

over like if you're doing over an hour, he would turn the lights on the stage up to make it hot. Oh, great. I had to I had to lose from stage go. If you turn if you don't turn the lights off, lower the lights, I'm gonna hit you with this fucking mic stand. In the middle of my set, and people were like, what? I was like, I'm looking right through the little peak hole, and I'm like, you, I'm gonna fucking smash, because he's toasting me like a suckling pig. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. Oh. But I actually grew to like him a lot. He was actually nice to me. And a few other times that I went there. So actually a good club. So, dude, what do you got, sweetie?

What do we got? You're going to be on April 23rd at the Renaissance Theatre and King's Sport Tennessee. Oh, this is a big... Dr. Steve put this together. Jim Florentine did it last year and it's a big show that he put together that I'm actually flying down to do.

I'm very excited about it. I love Tennessee. The one and only time I played there, which I was very excited about going there, was at the side splitters. It was the Wild Wild West. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I got a video of a lady just coming out

and fucking smashing a beer on the ground. Oh my God. I remember a lady was just talking in the front row and I fucking had her kicked out. The open, the middleer was just going up doing fucking red neck shit, just this fat red neck blonde kid that won best comic in the woods or whatever the fucking one. And then literally, he just hold up a t-shirt at the end and just, you know, fuck my t-shirt, gonna be outside, you know, get fucking, you know,

fucking big wheels for fucking cheers, whatever the fuck it was, and suck. And then the, I mean, when he kicked out and then comes back in 20 minutes later, I'm from Hawaii! Oh my god. And I went, I don't even know what the fuck that means. Literally, she came back in, fought her way back into the room to say,

I'm from Hawaii. I hope she's dead. I do, I hope she, I hope they all died literally. I'll put truck, lost its brakes at a red light and ran over your fucking Subaru. You're gonna be the same thing. But I'm going back. I really, there were a lot of the fans that were great.

So I'm excited to go back and Dr. Steve's putting that on. What else do I get? I got one on the 26th too. I don't know if it's public yet, with Lewis Gomez, March 26th. I believe it is Saturday night. And I'm also, go ahead, the podcast. We'll talk about that.

Yeah, so we're gonna be doing pod fest on March, sorry, May 22nd, it's a Sunday. I posted everything on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, so you guys can go and check it out. We're gonna be there, we have a 9.30 p.m. slot. It's going to be going on for an hour. So you can buy your tickets, the link and everything's up now. So it's a, or you can check out Potsfest New York. Yeah, check out that. We're going to be selling that out. So it's going to be a small room. So get your tickets now. Spread the word, retweet,

it, share it. Do all that shit. You guys do it. Help us spread the word about that. That again, what's the date on that again? It's May 22nd, it's a Sunday. May 22nd, Sunday. What else we got? If you wanna send anything in. Oh, I forgot, real quick, I forgot to tell everybody. Yeah, what? What?

What? I'm so tired. I forgot to, Chris Goppo's not here. Oh. I didn't even fucking acknowledge. Oh, scopes. You know what, fuck both of you. Literally.

Nothing bothers me more than fucking women going, oh. Well, sorry we have emotions. It's not, it's fake emotions. That's why it bugs me. No, it is because if you gave a fuck, either one of you would have, especially you would have been like, where's, what'd you say, why Chris isn't here?

You would be fucking, first of all, you are basically taking his job, okay? You slowly, fuck you, I'm not gonna need him anymore and you're taking his job, you learned all the jobs, it's just gonna be you. So fuck Chris and you. I didn't like that you forgot him, that's all because that's how I got here, so you're not here because of him You're here because of me. I know but he but he was the middle man. No, he's not

I said you get somebody I would bang Now Chris heard his back so I hope he feels better Yeah, probably listen into this right now in his mother's house. He didn't post the she made Now Chris heard us back. So I hope he feels better. He's probably listening to this right now in his mother's house. He didn't pause the she made me. You're right, Chrissy. I know, ma. I know.

I guess you know, I'm going to stop doing deadlifts. You know, my ass is my closer. I have fucking food. I hope you feel better. You fuck face. And he'll be back next week, hopefully. And what else? What else? Yeah, so if you wanna send anything to the studio.

Yeah, all the stuff behind me is sent in from fans, all this shit. We got stickers coming. I'm ordering them today or tomorrow, so I got, we're gonna be giving stickers out to fans who come in, you wanna come into the studio, you wanna mail us something, give the address out. It's 117 McDougal Street, New York, New York,

10012, and just put attention, YKWD podcast, or Robert Kelly. Yeah, all this stuff is from fans, you wanna send me cigars or whatever. I wanna thank the guys, it's a guard fly. I tried not to burp in the box, someone asked me to send them. Someone said that. I'm sorry, I had to do itp into the mind. Someone actually give me shit. Someone said that. Sorry.

I had to do it. Just do it. I did it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. I love fucking you. I'm not having any more guys on the show.

Just women. Let's do another tampon episode. Jesus Christ. I love it. I'm going to talk about his dick and shit. And then women come on. Pussy's blood. Pussy push these blood guys are assholes. So yeah, we, all this shit is from fans and I, oh, it's a garflite.

You guys are great. Thank you so much. Tatooine and my father's for guys. Those guys hooked me up with a bunch of shit too. And I love it. So, Vader. Vader, fucking Christ. So if Vader, Vader fucking Christ, they chat over Vader.

The guy at Sabian sent me fucking symbols. I can't thank him enough Chris and just I can't believe it. I got a lot of great stuff. So and dark horse drums contacted me though. Oh nice. The fucking drum company for 20 years, custom drums out of Jersey.

So if you check them out, darkhors.com, unbelievable drums, they custom made drums for people for the last 20 years, which I love, small businesses. I might be getting a drum kit from them, you know, I don't know, we'll see. What else to fuck do I got? Yeah, well, if you want to come to the studio,

just email producer at rikest.com and we'll do it that way. And then make sure you subscribe and our YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram, everything. Yeah, if you have any dick picks at all, please send them to Lauren. I'll rate them. At Lauren Cubera on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram.

Yeah, but send them to YK, please send them to me because she'll delete them, we'll never see them. I'll see you. Send them to dude at ryecast cast calm. Okay, that's my email Dude it right is that my email? Yeah, dude at riot cast calm send us dick pics for it I don't fucking you know make sure it's a good shot. Don't I don't want to see little puds Well, you can copy me on those yeah, I'm gonna copy you I'll filter out the bad ones.

Yeah, get him a verb, because somehow you'll fucking sue me. You have weird fucking, I'm gonna stick famous guy Jiz and my fucking pussy from a barrel. So yeah, so send us dick pics if you got him. And if you want to send him pussy, send him to Lauren too. Yeah, I'll take those. Yeah, they'll make him do you. I got you in my fucking... Yeah, I'll take those. Yeah, they'll make them to you. I'm getting mine. Fucking, I, yeah, fuck, I just want, that's the one thing.

What was the last, did any girl ever send you tid pics or dirty pics? Yeah, man. Really now? Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Off a wuff. I have this girl who heard me on a podcast, and she sent me, she started snap chatting me,

naked pictures of herself, right? And those go away. And I'm like, yeah, but you can screenshot. But they know you're screenshot. But I said I'm gonna screenshot. All right, well I'm trying to get. I told you I could be a private eye. Yeah, and that's why I had to go to the end of that.

So I get guilty because she's 19, right? So I go, so I go, you can't send me these. And then the next time, I'm in a hotel on the road, I go, you know how I said you can't send me those Hey, you probably could sent like you could send me something if you want and so I got that going. It's pretty good But you're fucking fucking creepers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just a creepy You know this story I thought would be better Then it is close the show go see it lap Boston

better than it is. Right, close the show. Go see it. Right, lap Boston. Wow. Alright, we're going to fucking, what else do we got? Anything else? That's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Podfest 2016. That's all we got. Deepo, anything? No, she mentioned the YouTube page, right?

Check out the YouTube page. There you go. You didn't mention the YouTube page. Yeah, she did. Alright, yeah, make sure you subscribe to that, right? That means it's been going fucking nuts. Yeah didn't mention the YouTube page. Yeah, I did. Yeah, she did. Oh yeah, make sure you subscribe to that, right? That means it's been going fucking nuts. Yeah, we're getting a lot of comments, a lot of discussion each week.

It's a, yeah, it's growing. Yeah, man, you guys are fucking great. All the fans checking that out. And the people hate it too. You know, I hope you die and get fucking hit by a deer. I really do. I hope you're on the fucking highway. And the deer just runs in front of your car

and a horn goes through your fucking temple. And you can just hate our show and silence because you can't talk because you're in a wheelchair going and you're like what you okay and she's I'll play your favorite podcast do you know what you know what that he's like yeah and she thinks he means you enjoy it like every time I play this podcast he moves yeah you're really trying to just fucking shut off the fucking phone with your head, and you can't do it. Duh.

Thanks for listening. See you guys next week. You know what, duh. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now, go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs.

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