Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Purple Dick

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Robert is joined by Kurt Metzger, Pete Davidson, John Moses, Kelly Fastuca and Chris Scopo. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Mao, a Madrid.

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Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlos sin pagar nunca. tienen todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. I always try to keep it like a comic-cag. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down. And sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's intense. No topics of direction. I love doing it. This podcast has no rules.

Can I get a microphone? I'm sure I've already sent you the re-creppy. It's rubber killing. You know what, dude? You know what, dude? I know what, dude. I guess the unright doing! I guess... Unrighteous, though. I guess...

I'm tied... ...for my... ...it. I'm tied... ...for my... ...it. I'm tied... All right, fuck you.

Fuck that. Let's go quiet Yeah, what are you gonna do? It's just that patiently That was the greatest intro ever I, uh, how did you like that? It's fucking awesome I, uh, I fucking, I fucked up

This is the thing I learn how to do this shit And then I forget the next week Every time I'm here, we lose the episode What? Once We don't once we did lose it but a couple times we lost I lost an episode last week Oh, that's why I'm trying to do no because I get in here and I'm like hey and everybody's talking and you guys are fuck I'm like, you know, and then I forget to hit a button and your mic doesn't work and I didn't do a sound check

Because I don't want nobody to fucking think I'm a fucking Meglemaniac. And then the whole show is out the fucking window. I lost this one. This dude came from Kentucky. Where is he from? With Carolina? No. I don't know.

Somewhere down there. I still don't know what Meglemaniac means. It's fucking came up. He was an insult. He insulted me. It was a fucking insult Fuck that he gave a day he called me a megalomaniac and then he gave me a definition that kind of sounded cool Like I was like oh thanks. Yeah, what does it mean technically?

What's the big dick? You're a fucking Social path you're a narcissist. All right, right, right. What is he? Oh? I should come in with some new comics from megalomaniacs big fucking deal They're all the all- are they really yeah, well, why would you think you could be a comic unless someone's wrong with you I know there's something wrong with me, but I don't think I'm a megalomaniac. He's calling me that this is because the context Here's the thing I'm yelling at stupid Chris Well the fact that you thought it was a compliment probably suggests that you are a little bit of a megalomaniac This is why. That's a great point.

No, because he, he, he's so bad. When I said, I told him to define it, he didn't give me the real definition. He was like, somebody who's, he said, somebody who's in charge and knows what they want. I mean, that can go for all of us assholes. That sounds pretty good. Somebody who's in charge and knows what they like and knows what they want. I mean, that can go for all of us assholes. That sounds pretty good. Somebody who's in charge and knows what they like and knows what they do. Was he a doctor?

Yeah. He was. Of what? A family? A family doctor. He's like, what do you mean, a little country doctor? Nah, he's just so, he's kicking around his first year psychology, fuck off, doc.

No, he's a real doctor. He checks assholes and dicks and dicks. I gotta, I gotta foot problem. I'll let you know, right there. Doc no he's a real doctor he checks assholes and dicks I got a foot problem. I'll let you know right there No, he checks assholes and dicks and everything dude. He's an everything doctor. Yeah He has the authority to fucking look in your asshole. I'm just saying I don't know if I want to check it out my anal Awards give me a psychopath. I wish I had a doctor all the time like present all the time I wish I had a friend. I was a doctor. I'm gonna like present all the time. I wish I had a friend that was a doctor. I was gonna show someone my dick.

You had Chris's definition. Is it what you're doing now? What's wrong with your dick? No, everything's fine, but I didn't. Oh, P, what's wrong with your dick? Nothing, I had a good check, because I thought I had herpes, but I was just allergic to condoms.

So what are you gonna do now, you can't use condoms. So you're gonna get herpes? Yeah. I'm like, who fucks? No, I wish I just, you know, I texted the Chris, but Chris isn't a real doctor. He's like a physical therapist. Yeah, he's just looking at my dick, like he doesn't say. Did he look at your dick?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, he said, Doc, I'm, I thought you just said he was a fucking physical therapist. I just found that out. So he just, for like months, I've just been setting up my dick and he has not said not to. He has pictures of your dick on his phone. He has hundreds of big, right?

Can I just say something about that? My kid I just had a kid, right? And he's he's got this I was changing him Kelly was over the house first all this fucking ass You know, can you baby say yeah? So I bring her over to baby sit my kid to help me out. I'm in a jam So I'm like I'm trying to do some work. I go that he needs to be changed It's a poo. You know, he's got some poo in it. She goes I don't know how to do that I'm very sure I was supposed to Change to we I've always been lucky enough that I've changed we diapers not shit diapers

And this is my first shit diaper. I'm like we gotta do this Here's the deal Kelly you as I was supposed to leave you with my fucking kid Yeah, you were supposed to be home alone with him. Yeah, I wasn't supposed to stay and got thank God I did stay I could have done it. It's an it's an AC buddy You're okay. He's a little tweak. He's a little tweak You're fine. You need a foil cap When you come on did was Kelly carrying your baby around in her stomach fat like a kangaroo.

Even on this show. Jesus Christ. This fucking can't just got you in the form. But I adore, yeah, we're in an introduction, but I adore it. I do, this is John Moses. I adore him so much. I think he's one of the funniest guys I know.

He's just so great. He's a good guy, he's a good guy That's a good That's a good idea He's a ranger That's a strip club week Yes, it's a ranger It's a redhead

Oh, he did he redhead I love this show because I feel like Kurt's gonna be used to that like that's gonna be coming up in the next week He's gonna be just gonna know what that is We're gonna give him a Facebook status right now I'm a week always used to word because it's a very strange word that you can you and you I know you drunk right now And you just the rest of the fucking show you she had two whiskies downstairs So she's you know it happens there when she gets drunk like my wife fucking yaps She becomes a ranger banger. I know on a podcast. That's a good thing, but not for her But I have to give Kurt context why ranger is ranger Andrewanger i don't want a podcast that's a good thing but not for her but i have to give kirk context why ranger is ranger

and you do fucking beat first uh... the kisha cat peep davidson and you have fucking rangers peepen is guinea's uh... certainly small and we're dick which will get into that's what you see peace that i have a city yet if you want to look at all look at it because i'm a doctor peep davidson puts the Crohn's in chronic. He um, and um, and, Where's our hangative?

It's always on me. I was on, I was on sco, Oh, that's Chris, Chris Scopo. Yeah. Fucking taking care of the video. That's gonna be where it is. And Bobby, we all know Bobby's your show. I mean, I don't, I don't need no introduction.

And then Muppet Eyebrows, one of my favorite people in the world besides drummers is Wow you do sound like a little a little drunk She is right. She's drunk. I would didn't notice until he said it. I'm like you're fucking stoned She's drunk you're fucking tweaking. You're okay You're fine. Yeah, I can tell you're not fine. There's something right there. And AC would turn on and you fucking No, I thought you could hear it on here. So it was gonna shut it off. You can't you made a joke You can but that thing weighs 9 million pounds, so we can't we will there's nothing I can do to to talk about Steve's Dick story my cousin's a doctor and I haven't had insurance

Steve the fuck is Steve he's high I got dr. Steve I got doctor Steve I got doctor Steve I'm putting a right to your face and when Steve Corrected my sense something like I mean Pete Pete. I thought I fucked I was like his name Steve I thought I was calling you being a con of Pete for six months So but Pete's dick story I'm from Canada. I don't have any insurance in this country. I don't think anybody here does that. Thank you. I have insurance. I have insurance.

I have insurance. Uh oh. What do you have? Riders Guild. Riders Guild is the best. You have to get a card in my fucking... I have insurance. I wrote one thing.

I got in the Riders Guild. But I've never... I don't have to pay any dues because I wrote one thing. Oh yeah, well... You're gonna make like 50 grand, too. I'm gonna make 50 grand, too. I'm gonna make 50 grand, too. I'm one thing, I got in the right as a guild, but I've never, I don't have to pay any dues because I wrote one thing. Oh yeah, well,

you're gonna make like 50 grand too. If you, yeah I can't believe it. You're gonna make a lot of money. I can't believe it. You're gonna make a lot of money. You do? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. You were talking about not having insurance, no, no, no, because I had the same story in my cousin's and emergency doctor. I went to him to check out my dick. So he was holding my dick. He was sitting on the toilet, my dick and I was like Craig. What do you think this is? He goes when I'm hungry and dick in my hand you call me Dr. Shacker

I The fucking part of the story I want to hear people don't know John John What's wrong with you dick? John just got married, but you had a life before you got married you got sober you had a fucking life before you it was HPV Yeah, it was a war. No, that's fine. Everybody has that. Oh, I had folliculatus one time. What's that? Look red bumps all over my dick high five and then I should have known this is in like prime joke spots, you know my hand High five and then I should have known because there's in like prime joke spots, you know my hands Like so you got up a railing you could tell it look like a handprint of spots now Then I think about it if I had thought to connect them Should have that tattooed on your dick

Oh, but it wasn't her feet. I had to go to the the free clinic in Harlem. Yeah, that's scary And they fucking chew tip my dick. Oh to see my her be first Hearts feel it feel it feel it. They don't have to do that if you haven't showed it really hurts and they fucking chewtip my dick hole to see if I had her be at her. They don't have to do that if you have insurance. It really hurts. I hate free clinics. They treat it like Bingo when you just sit there with a number and they're like 42.

Nope. Yeah, but you know what though? Free clinics, I never knew they existed. And when I moved to the city like 12 years ago, I didn't have insurance. And I remember I was panicking. And some shit went down. When you meet me in my check, I didn't have insurance. And I remember I was panicking, and some shit went down, when you made me my chick,

we both got the flu. And then I went to this fucking clinic, two doors away, at the Chelsea clinic, and it was 20, they said bring it a pay stub. So I brought in some fucking, you know, one of my fucking seller spots, fucking 25 bucks, 25 Alls of Visit.

I went in, they took care of everything. You get the free medication, free prescription. You got your AZT. I got value that you tried to fucking steal. Creepest thing in the world. I got value in my knee operation. Yeah, but this is the creepy part. I like it in.

I like it in my knee operation. I like it in my medicine cabinet from a knee operation three years ago. He was over my house one time a year ago. He came up to me a month ago and go, Hey dude, you still got that Vigaten? Yeah. I wanted that whole Vigaten.

This fucking drug addict was rummaging through my fucking... No, I didn't do that. I got to pick this place as I opened the restaurant. I'm not at all. I didn't do that. I just saw it. I have a fucking eagle eye of, I do have an eagle eye. Let's go with the fighting rummage journey

But he said let's go to let's go with the funny story that you were and let's just move on No, I don't be known as a rummager. You're a rummager You rummage you're a fucking rummager and it's funny because he's so tall I have now I have checked I have checked girls messing cabinets to see if they have voucher You're a fucking rummage. Yeah, no just to see if they have voucher You're a fucking rubbish. Yeah, no just to see if they got herpes or anything like that You do know she just look at a vagina

And say some scabs. That's right. No, if they have the herpes medicine hiding the If they don't have the valve tracks, he leaves the prescription for the bus he had on his dick If you want to know if a girl's pussy is bad you have deodorant on rub your hand in the deodorant and put it on her pussy if she screams her pussy's bad We're kidding You're winning. It's about to write that We're gonna put that in your eye. I found a note. I remember I I had Kelly over the house. She's changing the diaper back to my dick and I'm just to get back to you took the order out of the smack

I Look at my kids come on the tips purple Oh, and I'm like what the fuck did you do to my kids dick Kelly like were you holding them? Fucking worst babysitter ever to the kid listen here's just a no Hello, you go to maxi. Whoo. He look at your face fucking three hours wouldn't shut the fuck up The kid the kid yeah when the kids fucking play and let him play He's like mr. He's mr. Fire

What is first words to be like hey? Fucking throw him out. Airy legs. You love Dave. I'll put Tom Simmon a snowbank if he has your accent. So I look at his dick, it's blue. It's not right. It's not right. And around the helmet where he got circumcised,

yes, I got my fucking kid circumcised. I know it's mutilation to some of you assholes. So that's you. I'm like fucking nine emails I got from these. And they took them to me after I did it. If you said that to me four months before and gave me the facts, I actually might have not adopted my kid circumcised.

I might have not have done it. Are you circumcised? You know what, cut down. I'm circumcised. I'm not gonna get AIDS. He's fucking heterosexual. That's true. I find that like some. But it is. It's a thing. I had a doctor tell me that. Every doctor says that. If you know a doctor and you're personal, I mean, dude, I think I hate to do like, did you knock?

You don't have to. Get Dr. Steve on the phone. Get him up here right now. Oh, well, well, do you fuck guys in the ass? You get fucked in the ass. So my kids dick was hurtful. Back with Steve's I was like, babe. He's probably.

That was a's, I was like, babe. Yeah. You're taking a look from him, Steve. That was a good one. And it was all right around the helmet. And I was all fucked up that I was, I had to take pictures of my, this is the weird part. I had to take pictures of my kids, Dick, and now they're on my phone and send them to Dr. Steve.

Now I was like, dude, look at the pictures and delete the pictures. And I'm deleting mine right now. It's got for bed. I have a heart attack. And I'm just lying in the kid. And it's just pictures of my kids cock on my phone. And I'm just lying there dead.

And the poor kid's crying. And fucking Dr.'s purple. Some dark, yeah, it's just fucking, I have pictures of baby dick on my phone. No, you know how you shouldn't have that. And I mean, it's even hard to believe you now because you said it was on your phone. I know you're telling the truth, but it still is

like you suspect people like that. Really? With baby dicks on the phone? They tell you that. You have a baby? Is that the baby? Look at it. Look at it, look at it, look at it, look at it,

look at it, look at it, look at it, look at it, look. And I'm like, I don't know, I can't be in this. I don't know what baby dick's supposed to look like. I gotta make sure I don't know any. Is it? What was wrong with it? Well, then I go to the doctors, and it was from a secondhand e-smoke.

It was, it was, it was. Ew. Ew, who's like that, kid? Yeah, secondhand, he's, I go to the doctors and she was kind of a cut. We went to these new doctors because I moved up to Westchester now. We'll go to the doctors and she was kind of a cut. We went to these new doctors because I moved up to Westchester now.

We'll go to this fucking awesome new place with plasma TVs and every doctor in the world is under one building. It's all this high-tech shit. No black people is what you're saying. No, no. Not even at the counter of front. Right?

Right. Right. So, that sounds like Raider's Guild insurance. Yeah. That's not right. That's not right. So, that sounds like Raiders Guild insurance. That sounds like Raiders Guild insurance. That sounds like Raiders Guild insurance. We go in and I think the dog that was kind of mad that I was there to get my kids, my kids dick checked out.

Like it's normal that shit happens to circumcise penises and she was kind of offended, like kind of like, yeah, it's fine, it's fine. This is a WebMD problem. Give us like your first kid. But yeah, but I'm sitting there going, can you, all right, can you just look at my, can you look at it and I'm holding my kids dick?

She's like, it's fine. I'm like, yeah, but just look and I'm pushing back the helmet. I'm like, right here. She's like, it's fine. I'm like, look, I'm not gonna not, like I'm not letting go on this dick until you fucking look at it. Like get the fuck over here. I just picture like you. That's weird that they would be.

I because I'm telling you that they it's a it's a it's a to have a pretty dick is a vanity thing and doctors don't like parents. I think some that want their kid to have a good-looking dick because doctors go in and fucking cut the shit off. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. I know a lot of people had fucked up circus scissors where you can literally like put a straw through the skin. Oh, are we about?

Colin Quinn had it. He had to get his dick resurcom size as an adult. Did you get now, we're about to get this kids have to get where like the rabbi like sucks the kids dick for a second. Give them a happy. You know, give them a year about that. I actually saw on TV on travel channel. Fucking suck the blood out of it.

You know, bizarre foods, bizarre foods. Oh, no. Not kidding. What was it? Not baby. The baby. That's an African. That's because those four skins are a meal.

They, uh, they've, they've, they cut the four skin off. They cut the four skin off and the eldest, man eats it. On top of a banana, puts it on top. We're back to reality. This isn't a joke. Where was this? Fucking where those people live.

Which ones? We're talking about Jews and not here. You know, in one of those countries, they're dirt countries. Black people. Eat the foreskin? Yeah, they're on top of a banana. Well, it's not even a ripe banana. Jesus We're about when they and it's an honor You know

All cocky centers and shit here and they cut it off with a cobra fang. How do you talk? No, that's much Bottle cap from a coke bottle before I think we turn it to God. Yeah, it's it's fine was no that's much for ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Just regular white. You know, are you not religious, your family's not religious? No, no, we, I stopped going to church as soon as I started playing hockey on Sundays. So that's funny. Canadian. Yeah. Fucking Canadians.

I got them love Canada. Canada. Yeah. I fucking you never do bad there. You used to hate it. No, but you know why? Because they like, they respect comedy. They get it.

They get a long retention spans as an audience. Yeah, but no, they don't. They get that's an art form of a high school They but you guys get Vancouver and Calgary like the two best places I've been from St. John's all the way to Victoria and everywhere in between and they everywhere you go They get it and it's not like blue or clean. I was on tour Ryan Hamilton I went up after them. They key killed and then I killed it was both you know what blue or clean I was on tour Ryan Hamilton I went up after them they key killed and then I killed it was both you know what I mean it was great I love Canada I don't know how we go from baby decks to Canada but you circumcised Pete yeah

yeah you got a big meal to it right yeah I think we should get a Chris on the phone to verify that Chris hold it no no I take, no, I take pictures of that. Oh, what do you tell you was wrong with you? He goes you're fine. Keep fucking That's your dick healthy, but you're probably a homo You're dick healthy, but I've jerked off to it I'm gay get me off guy code. I need to be on girl code You're you got a mat. I've your dick. I heard you have a hammer. It's not long. Not a hammer It's like it's like in my hand. I doesn't feel like it is big hand So that's what I had to guys

I didn't think my dick was big until a girl put her hands on it. I was like, oh, yeah I didn't think my dick was big until I saw it and it's still not big I have such a fuck and since I gained weight now that I'm I just long some of it Yeah, it's starting to come back like my bush fats getting small again So my dick is coming back are you back to do that when I texted you the other day? I text a Bobby's on lawn I saw my lawn order as we go I'm like dude based I based on your weight I can tell this from 2008 this

I can pinpoint to the day It wasn't a bat and I didn't actually I've done I've done four lawn or I've done all three of them And I've done one of them twice. I've looked Completely different in every single yeah, you probably a great one I had hair Yeah, one I was gorgeous had hair and I was shredded one. I was bald with a black gold team with a hat Yeah, another one. I was I was fat Bald and the other one was bald skinny. I saw you at ghost town like today. I was when I was fat Yeah, I was I was a ghost. I was a construction

I was when I was fat. I was fat. I was a ghost. I was a construction worker. I was hilarious. Great gig. You ever get a movie like that? What does ghost do? It's a Jerickey Jervais' first film.

And it was just this, you know, kind of like, you know, romcom, I guess. Yeah. And I was, I remember that fucking thing. It's all on all the fucking time. I couldn't either, dude, but he wasn't really Jervais then. You know that. He wasn't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick.

I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick.

I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick.

I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I can't wait to come with Rick. I couldn't either dude. I couldn't fuck you. Like the Q-tip in Harlem. I just take like a... Yeah, it goes to you.

It's so much money. You're getting a movie like that. You don't have to speak that much. You're getting one of those, that shit's on 900 times a day. So you get it from one ever at a place? Yeah. Look, it's down from what it was.

I got paid more for the residuals than I did for the whole fucking month of working on that. I can't wait for my thing to come out then. What was it? We shot, anyways, we, uh, yeah, yeah. Canada, right? I'm kidding, buddy. What is it?

No, that's hilarious. No, no, no, fuck it. What is it? What did you do? No, I had this small part like a, film, but I had it on the other side. I'm gonna cut you off there. The whole solution. Alright, listen, Dad.

That's what he deserves. How many ticks are in this place? There's a lot of ticks. The one Lewis sucked is on the fridge. Oh, Lewis, she told me, fucking, you had it all stuck around quick. I heard about that Bailey J. Forfeited and it was the it was one of the best moments of my life looking over at Lewis And he was genuinely bummed out and I go what's wrong he goes oh man

I just I just wanted to win legit dude now. I'll never know He's a bigger fucking home-o. Then I said this on the last podcast. When I knew he was a fucking, he sucked a dick before. And I know he won't admit it. I wouldn't have either. OK, even though I've admitted to sucking a dick for a steak. Really? Yeah.

It was a tea, it was a tea bone. It was a really good steak. He said to me, I go, all right, let's go. He said, you got to put your leg up. And I was like, what? He goes, put your leg up. I put my leg up. I was like, oh my God.

This is how you suck a dick. Like, you know, suck a dick with two planted feet. Like it's a glory hole. You put a leg up so you can get fucking the balls. And then he spit on it twice. And then he pushed the spit back to wet the whole cock and then he put his hands through my ass and pulled me in. By the way, don't you think I was laughing so hard. Hey, maybe he's just a method actor. Someone called me. I've never said anyone.

I was so much just really sucked a dick. Yeah, like really good. really really good really good. I was go mad. Great. Go get the video if you haven't seen this video It's stupid. I won't be able to look at him. Oh, dude. You will you'll look at him. You want to see it? I'll show up get your picture now hang on but he's like he walked into the stand the other day He's like you see the video. He's talking Bobby's dick. That's why it doesn't matter It's like Norton with Trinney's, it's fine. Cause he doesn't care. This is a dildo, what you saying? It's that one right on the fridge. It's this little brownie.

Let me see that. Look at the picture. Wait, look at the picture. That looks fucking real. I don't like how he's like that. Oh, dude. Oh, get out of here. You know what, that's Bane kit.

Oh, that's like an Arab Pecker. What? What is it? An Arab Pecker. How many Arab Peckers have you seen? That's zooming. Arab Packer. A what? What is that? Arab Packer. How many Arab Packers have you seen? No, assuming. Do you watch it? I've seen a couple of those goat videos.

This dick is unusually random. So he like just went home and went to bed after this? Like this is better than the home to my bed. It's a fake dick. He actually didn't suck his dick. No, but who does that? Let me see. Yeah, but oh, mo.

Listen, buddy, I get to say that if the stage at 20 years old you're 20 years old You haven't lived a lot of life in the dorm room with your friends and you want to like play around the would have been Listen Pete you have options in your career Louis doesn't he had a I remember I show up and I was like I was staying out this chick, but she's annoying So I didn't want to fucking go back with her. I'm like, yeah, I gotta go stay in my friend, Jay's house, she goes, you can stay with your fagged friends.

It's just fucking a girl, but she's still annoying, I was like, yeah. So I show up at the St. New York to me, Jay. Lewis is standing there, they're doing, their girlfriends are all standing on to the side, they're all getting weird gay play, right? Fucking, Justin took his nut,

a little bit of his nut at the top of his pants and Lewis ran over and touched it with his tongue Little quick and I was like holy shit that girl's dead right about me and Yeah, this is not the first time I'm saying he's not the first time. No, we you know me stories He's had on the show where he's fucking the I mean the the reason why I love him he told the story When him and Justin will Just for shits and giggles touching each other's dick. No, no, not that one Jesus. What's that? What the fuck is that? No, I know the one he's talking about you don't know where they held each other's dick. No, I don't know that one See he would laugh first. I just held each other's dick and look each other in the eye Yeah, he would laugh. I just say something though. That is a funny game

But that it when you this is how fucking great guys are we're so competitive That will it's like what do you want to do? I don't know dude? Hold each other's dicks and whoever laughs first loses that is a faggot fucking just Instinctual fucking man can that so manly I usually stop after arm wrestling, but I get pretty good That's why I love suck the dildo because it was his competitive nature I want to win legit Yeah, he wanted to beat Bailey that was a fegalo, but he sucked it so well like he closes his eye He was like it was like my

Norton was if you saw Norton's face no, it got a boat. He was like it like this is good. No at the time He's like this is great. It's been when he's like this is rice. But when you're home We think Lewis is better than you Probably I don't know I kind of tried to like like you know, I'm talking about but we've already I've already talked about that With a couple people and no you're better than him. Oh, okay Surveys says Australia Survey says Kelly wins Australia one point for Australia How many people do you know that would blown by both Kelly and Lewis before?

Don't get it. It's a little bit around. So does that. So does Angelist and Colin Quinn. Oh, Joe, I wish. Where, what? She just said she wants the flow, Joe. I love Joe. He's my favorite in the whole world. I don't know what your favorite

and besides these two John love it. This guy. John Lowe is a real like I've had talks like this. Wait Joe's got herpes though. Yeah, but it's only it's only I want it to out you can't get you. I'm not sucking a dick if it's got herpes. It's not gonna be it's got her piece You know not it's right. We should punish all of us on show lists with the herpes. Yeah, I wanted about it It's completely I fucking go with her because as long as that out you can't use the condom Yeah, but you know, yeah, I use condoms you fucking mind, but if it was my girlfriend and she her herps one out I would you do that? Well, if you girls I would not married

Are you married? Yeah, yeah. Does she have herpes? No, HPV, I gave it to her. Oh, yeah, that's not even the same. Well, well, that's a wedding gift. Can we stop for a second? I know what it is, but I don't know what it is. I mean, is it warts?

What is it? You need to know. It's a woman's problem. Right. That's all you need to know. That's what it really is. It's a woman's, you're a guy, it's a war, it gets burned out. Because you as a guy, by the way, as a guy, let's say you have it, there's a way to test for it, so it's not your fault either, so they can't test if you have it for some reason

in men. They can only test a woman by checking for regular cells, right? Yes, and this is the argument that I had with Lewis, the last show I have with him all the time, because he's like, go, you can't test for HBV. Like with women you can, and I've been told I don't have it twice and this is the last two years You have it proof that I don't have it and then he's like you have it Because he has and he's like he said if you're sexually active is no way he's a I'm really careful when I have sex with boys

I don't know why he's a boy. He's a boy. And I'm like, I'm really careful when I have six with boys. I've had a long, long two relationships. I've got nothing to say. As opposed to girls. Yes. If you have a healthy immune system, right? It can be a problem for guys.

You might have, like, it could be that you were exposed to it and your body killed it. It could not. Yeah. It could be that. But like most men don't even get an award ever. So they don't know they have it. But I know, dude, I never had a award,

but I know I got to. There's definitely a test for women. No word but i know i got it's definitely a test for women no but you can't that's the whole thing that you can get it you can get it from like michael duckless apparently had it in his throat what he sucked a dick no he was a pate is check out he got h pv was in his throat zeta jones he lied

zeta jones he lied about it he lied about it and it's all the fuck down you can get he got he got cancer It's tongue and it's tongue and it's done for meeting pussy. Don't he pussy? Yeah, are you kidding me apparently? I don't know if I'm not a doctor. This is why the dick is a three-gett winner. It's a it can become Cancer HPV so so he is either Jones is pussy Often he probably got it from other Yeah, a lot of pussy

You know, but he's been married for 20 years But that's the thing he's probably had it forever, you know in his throat. Yeah, yeah Yeah, it's not super common, but I've had warts. So I have I have it Everybody has words. Where'd you get the world every finger in your dead? I see the before I think my grandfather had it warts What is it you T.I. in the SCD? No, what is it? What is a fucking what? It's a word. It's the same as if you got a word on your hand. It's the same virus. It's on a dick. I Disagree I think it's a different virus. There's a there's a bunch of different ones

Yeah, there's a pussy war and then there's a normal war I can come around and pussy what HPV causes all work. So any word you have on your body is for me I mean I had a walk though on your post no On your finger you never had one you pussy Wait a minute though. Look first of all award on your finger like those round Yeah, that's not the same, but that's not the same as a dick water dick where it looks like a tree's grown on your Different different skin. It's the same way. It's not exciting. Yeah My dick look like a tree like broccoli

Just me jamming fun. It's good. It's good. What the fuck? I love you a fucking weird advice. You're a pep talk No, it's good you get aids. You get a lot of fun You fucking live life you fucking homo He shot some heroin you took it in the ass good for you I know guys who don't do nothing with their lives and they're healthy as shit But they're gonna be bored when they're 80, 90, 100. You'll be dead at 60 with a pot belly and fucking weird knuckles.

Oh yeah. Good for you. Yeah, when I heard, when I heard Michael Douglas got the throat cancer from Eaton Pussy, I was like, I forget it. Don't even try to live healthy. Anything you do is gonna turn out to get cancer anyway. So enjoy your life.

Yeah, but I don't think... I think he was a special case. Is it really true that he got it from eating pussy? Cause I've eaten a lot of pussy. Not as good. Not as much as Michael Douglas. It could be. Yeah, you don't think about it, Michael Douglas.

I know that. You don't know Sexy Bob. Sexy Bob, I'm sure it's great, but Michael Douglas actor. I think Michael Douglas now. Famous actor. I think Michael Douglas didn't as much Michael Douglas now. Famous actor. I think Michael Douglas didn't as much pussy as famous as sexy Bob,

because sexy Bob was on the streets. I was out there fucking licking box after box. He was on yachts. Yeah, but he was on 50 women. But you know, yeah, not 50s, not licking 50s. He's not a porn star. You don't think so? No, he fucking licked the fucking nice pussy

and a nice putty. You know what I mean? He doesn't necessarily become cute become but it's Hollywood pussy So it's exponential good word what the fuck Mecklemaniac That's like the biggest word ever used to describe eating pussy Exponential Was it exponential exponential?

Exponentialism existential no so he's a exponential Hollywood pussy has been like run through a lot ¿Es que es exponential? ¿Es exponential? ¿Es exponential? ¿Es exponential? No, eso es easy. ¡Es exponential! Hollywood pussy has been, como, run through a lot. So, he got a lot of dirty dicks going up in the pussy. So, he eats that one and he's basically eating the pussy. Suck it, rap, bitch. ¡Tes rap, bitch! ¡Tes rap, bitch!

¡Tes rap, bitch! Ya, ya, fuck, I mean... 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno. Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovecharte del tres por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo el line. Tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, ah no, no, no, no. Tominos, pizza. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.

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Like you go down the parking garage. There was a door to the right. There was a storage room. It was this place and um I remember I Don't know what I was gonna say Hi I don't know what I was gonna say. Bobby, hi. You were gonna fucking tell me this story then girl. Because you fucked the two cons. You were punching his head.

You fucking asshole. And that shots. But I don't know what the fuck you're doing. And I'm looking over you and you lost my trip. And then looking into curses, looking into like a universe. I'm hanging on to every, it's like the fucking the thing around the

men in black too around the cat neck. He's like, what the fuck is that? In Orion. What are we talking about? Fuck your mouth. What I see, Pete, I always like have the urge to give him a nookie because he reminds me of my little brother before he left. Well can you bond later, John Boy? What the fuck was I saying? What were we talking about? Maybe with Jade? You're in this movie? Yeah, but before that,

it guys in a parking garage. No, but before that. Ah, I'm pulling the basement. You also get the right. What? Mako Douglas. No, we're in between that. No, the guy in the basement.

It was the guy in the house. No. The guy did this thing. It's something about Hollywood pussy. Hollywood pussy. Yes! Got it. Back. And the greatest fucking Hollywood pussy Yes, got it back Greatest fucking Hollywood pussy stories ever heard he was fucking drew Barrymore

Who who was this guy rusty? Oh here he was yeah, well here Charlie's angels after the first Great That's good true Barrymore here. It's a lot in Cousinmore. That's just great. It's good. Right. You have to have me and myself. So he goes, he goes, I'm down.

He goes, she doesn't shave her body. She doesn't trim it. She's a little bit just fine. She would. I mean, here on a box like a fucking horse pussy. That's disgusting. And she goes down, he's eating her pussy. I'm in her in this hotel room with her and I'm eating her pussy. And then he goes, he's eating her pussy. I'm in this hotel room with her, and I'm eating her pussy.

And then he goes, I looked up and I stuck my finger up. And I went, phone, phone. I'm in a real issue. I'm pissed. She got mad. She got mad. Oh, that's hard. She got mad.

And she was like, fucking, I gotta go. She left. Oh. So we're back to Tom Green. Tom Green. No way. That guy, you can't kill him. You can't kill him on this business. You can make a shit after a shit movie act like an asshole, just bomb and you can't kill

him. You can't turn your tins off. He'll fucking do a show with his iPhone and Axis somebody will throw it on the air. Oh yeah, he was in a special fight. Oh, his wife is on show in Axis TV, he just did dice clay. And it's crazy. And he's not that crazy guy he used to do.

Right, right. He's almost like, you know, a little more tamer. He's like a regular guy. He's from Canada, right? Yeah. Is he big up there? Thanks. He was from New Zealand.

I like Tom Green. I like him. I mean, that show was, when that show was popping off. It was great. It was great show. See, he got it. Did daddy would you like some sausage? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was pretty good.

That's a great YouTube clip. If you ever want to watch that clip from that movie sucker, but that clip from he was a little known fact, he was actually in this rap group up in Canada. They had like a big hit that was like, check the oh, oh, you liking it so far? He's going. you know the song they have to play it because the Canadian content lost at least you informers you know I'm just about what Kurt said before that you boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom and Scopo and the stupid thing. That's funny. Huh? She has a good joke about how all Pussy should be shaved.

That's sometimes he's there. Who? But I'm not watching that. I'm watching she, I'm like, ball Pussy. Who is that? Jay. Jay Ho. Okassin.

Oh, he has one? Oh, yeah. He closes at that Montreal. Doesn't he have like 90 Pussy jokes? Yeah. I'm going to run it out. I'm going to run it out. Huh?

It's not running out. No, he's not. That cock suck every minute. We like box here too. Well, no, like that. I don't like it. No, he's not. That cock-shot character. We like box here too. I'm not allowed to. I don't like it. I think it's good. You know, like Harry Box?

No, I got to say it. I mean, a little was fine, but I wouldn't. No, like fucking me. You know what happens with the Harry Box? That hair. It hurts. The more it grows, the fucking harder and thicker it gets. It's like a horse's mean.

Look, everybody's different. I didn't say do nothing to it I'm just saying I don't like ball post like Brazilian. I don't like ball pussy I know I don't shut up What the fuck You get that ball pussy you're gonna have a moment where you're like is that a razor bump or should I be concerned right? Is that an ingrown hair or is that fucking AIDS? Yeah, or and I don't want to see with a root that's what I look I don't want to see where the root that I look. I don't want to see that fucking hole. Oh, fuck you talking about. I love that part. I hate it.

I'm gonna drop a load right in it in that part and the load and the root the root box. Yeah, but the root goes just in that nest. They ball thump it. I don't I don't I like a nice I like a little hitle mustache. I like a little hitle mustache a little soft. A giant little soft hair goes down to the push and it's gone. dash. I like a little hit Lemus dash, a little soft hair, goes down to the push and it's gone. I like it down to the push and a little bit up the asshole. No you don't, you're lying. You're lying at all.

So you were busy wanna lick your own face. What your face looks like. Of pussy, yes. Yeah, you want, that's a great way. You know what? I want it to look like my own lip sideways. You want girls to have hair in their hair. Now that's a megalomaniac. Not it's not listening. It's not that whatever you have there, I want to see what it is.

I want you hiding shit like nothing. I want to know what the fuck happens. They look better when they've got hair that looks sexy or pretty. It depends how it is. Listen, well, we know what Kelly does. If you got it here on your pants Yes, obviously hair if I see John Moses is here. There's a trimming situation that has to happen You can't just let it yes, but I like to fuck Kelly Kelly. What is your pussy? I I'll go on gross Kelly because even though I think it looks sexy. Uh when there's hair I prefer not to have any because I feel cleaner Yeah, that's my girls fucking thing.

Yeah, but then the other girl she had a bush so I bounced it out, you know, okay? What a Kelly, you explain to me right now you have don't look down on me. No, I'm trying because I'm I'm scobo doesn't doing it right. I'm asking her a question that she's going to answer it and you she's beyond her. She's going back and forth. Just go the fuck on Kelly. Oh Jesus. Don't hoff and puff you can't. You can sit over there if you want. How's that? You want to sit over there? Oh, video. Yes, Bob. Fucking ass. I feel gross.

It's not gross. Kelly, I want to know what you pussy. Is it Harry? Fucking ass. I feel gross It's not gross Kelly I want to know what you pussy is it hairy? No, it can be Here come out the side no So is it a is it a V or a W like a Terrible like a squished by an animal Stick it out of the Triangle I know it doesn't go off into the legs and stuff like that and it doesn't go out my ass crack.

Is it original hair for like the last 10 years? Or is it? No, I've been waxing down there for like eight years. So the hair that's down there, is that original hair? Or have you shaved it all off and started over? I get it waxed all off every five weeks. So every five weeks it all goes. Okay.

So you get a whole new batch. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know. I feel like I feel like that. I feel like that. I feel like that. I feel like I feel like that.

I feel like I feel like that. I feel like I feel like I feel like that. I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel No, not as a go into your pussy lips. No. Your vagina lips. No. So it just stops. Yeah, that's only the answer. I'm not that hairy for an Italian. Really, so then there's nothing you're busting. Oh, you're not Italian for a shrill for a Christmas. I am a parents who are Italian,

and we're gonna tell you in the next few years. That's good though, that's good. But, what's more shit? There's no way. No way, what? Where did they move to Australia? Yes. But they, those fucking they speak about.

Huh? They speak like you, your parents. Yeah, my dad's gonna My dad's a little bit of an accent though. Oh my god. I love the peat will not accept the big his Italians in Australia No way, you know, like more audience I was surprised when you said she shaved his a pussy from being off Oh, Shave it shaving it's disgusting. You wax it. You know, they went to you know about the world nothing. It's learning's learning. We're watching. I don't know. I don't know what Obama is like 14 years and two degrees Two degrees and you're doing this. Oh, this is awesome Yeah, but degrees are in fucking acting Double theater major acting and fucking Australia

You're not a change of diaper. Well, you have a little brother, right? I've uh, no, I don't I just have a lot of cousins and I like Changing diapers Changing a diaper I don't want it. I think it's cool cuz I don't know I guess I like being able to do that Why I guess it makes you feel responsible Like if shit goes down I I can wipe his ass. And like, no, I don't. I felt like somebody's got a new baby.

Are you married? Yeah. How long have you been married? A month. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Welcome. How's it going?

It's getting back to normal. What do you mean? We lived together for a couple of years first. So, you know, we went on a honeymoon and that was great. And there was a big party in a wedding and gifts are coming to the mail. But now things are settling down. That's getting back to normal. Right. Well, you know, we had sex a honeymoon and that was great. And there's a big party in a wedding and gifts are coming to the mail. But now things are settling down. Let's get back to normal.

Right. Well, you know, we had sex a lot on the honeymoon out of, because we thought we were supposed to. And now it's back to the two or three times a week. I had on your honeymoon, where'd you go? We started in San Diego and drove up through San Francisco. I was loving because he went to LA as well. And he's like, yeah, it's where we're honeymoon.

And I did some spots, had some meetings. Did you really? You had a meeting? Yeah yeah yeah Is it a Joe to Rosa meeting where it's with your manager? Was it a friend? Was it a meeting meeting? I can't go to my gonna meeting dude. Yeah that doesn't count. By the way you watch show do that fucking new material sign fell But it was hilarious now what you homes as I show on TBS No, what's that? called new material sign fells and sign fells just come to try out some new material. No, I didn't say

It's funny He's really funny. That's why he doesn't voice anything like that. You like that. It's a good It's a funny and he has the next thing. It they sound like side-filled bits, too. Really? Yeah He goes he goes what we got over roles we got underwear What goes in the middle That's funny That's that's funny That's such a derosa thing to be you know he tried he'd love to trash

Cypherlin is act now he's actually doing it through a puppet You know I'm working Original this guy you never you ever notice Fuck him I'm not gonna show him people Do sit ups I'm not gonna show him people. Ha ha ha. They do sit ups.

Remember Joe, I remember he went on a crash mansion, he got on stage and did this whole thing about, do not fucking exercise in. Fuck the hell, like the whole crowd, like none of us were gay, but should have decided to exercise or don't exercise. Yeah, we're, it's an alter room. We're all fat and hairy.

We're all fat and hairy. Yeah, the reason we're here, Joe, is because we don't care about our vanity. Yeah, just buy some nice boots or something. I bought this outfit for $4. This whole thing with this coffee was nine. There he is. The kid. The fucking kid. Can you dung the dung there? Don't know So that's that's weird didn't it how old you 34 34 all right, so I got my tool to be a rock star. So settle in down. Is that what it was dude? Is you did you did you go? You know it's not gonna happen. Yeah, well, I'm plus I don't I'm sorry gonna happen Comedy this I don't mean that sorry. What's going to happen? Comedy this

I don't mean that does that what I meant dude. I meant Look, we all have that bond jovy moment being on stage and you know, right and and You know, I've done it and you get ahead and a bunch of vestibules you look some ass you fuck a broad and vagus All this crazy shit two girls a, a couple people, people watching. And then all of a sudden, you're like, do I want to be 60 and alone? Because it looks gonna go. Right.

You're famed, even if it's still there, you're gonna want to pay for it at that point, you know, monetarily. Do you want to fucking, you know, you with somebody that you kind of dig and see how it goes? That's it, yeah. You know, and the other thing is I'm sober, so I'm not out getting drunk all the time.

I go home, I go home after a show, it's 12 o'clock. I'm on the couch flicking through. How long have you been sober? Seven years. Good for you, man. Yeah, thank you. How many times you had your knives broken? A handful.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been broken. This is probably the longest you've ever looked at my face Did you get that by I'm grossed out by redheads? Is the only thing? Look at rangers Don't take that the wrong way no, it's been you're a violent drunk. Why yeah, yeah, I was too I've been sober 27 years. Oh wow. Yeah, I was a violent drunk

So would you get sober like mid 20s or 15? Oh, I was very violent as a drunk I hang out with a lot of violent people as a kid. Well, that was it too We I grew up in a neighborhood where there's a lot of like guys that would go out and you get drunk You try and get laid and we didn't get laid you get in fights, you know, so yeah, I mean we go I remember we go to parties and I I put my dick in something one way or That's Lewis Jay Gomez That's his motto I'll forget anything They read a poem about it. I wanted to win legit

It's all King Bobby's dick. Okay. He was so disappointed He was so disappointed that this dick doesn't come real jizzies I love that it's a suction cup, too. There's no way he hasn't put that in his asshole. There's just no way. He bring it like that. It's his. He bought it. He got in trouble. That thing started off as a white dude. He got in trouble with his girl, because he spent 25 dollars on a dick. Oh, I thought this was you. And it's like they're on a budget. He's out there buying con.

I'm gonna kid and buy some. Oh, I thought this was usually supposed to be attached to a belt on her. He was supposed to. So that's a waste of gun use that. That's our personal. I like how he bought a small one too. That's not small Pete.

Oh, that's not first of all. Don't fuck yourself. That's is that that's not small Pete Don't fucking sell that's right. That is not a small dick. That's a normal fucking site Peter It is a normal size cock That way that's ridiculously big that the this one that's a Thin it is that's a skinny ass look how thin that dick is you can put that in a paper towel roll listen Talor test this dick is normal. This is a normal dick. This is above normal. That one's normal the one on the left one is This is not normal. Yeah, Bob. I'm gonna stop you there. Let me know fuck you your whole Huge whole Australian gap if you take a paper towel roll can you get your dick in that roll?

I can't in a paper towel roll. Yeah, I could fucking fit my yes I can't do it. I can put it off But then I get I get excited and I ripped that shit open like the incredible Hulk Wait a minute. Fuck you. You look like that fucking red hawk. James, James Thunderbolt Ross, hold on. This, this dick, this dick is not normal. That looks normal.

Well, it's a little weird and vain. It's missing a couple bumps, but that dick, that is normal. That's a normal size. Really? Look at Karate Dic, though, because the guy's just having it. I'm not talking about the fucking size. I'm not talking about the book the fucking science like a Flake I'm like the

Dick model This is a beautiful normal dick right now you get this dick for 1995 and the action or throwing this dick for free right now Well, let me say that that darker dick the one he bought was closest to he don't saw great is that just a fucking Psyched like I from Star Wars Honestly, go though. That's a pretty big dick right there. That's a pretty big that's that's normal this one right here Dude, I'm telling Peter. I'm telling you like Matt like scientifically This dick is a regular size dick if you have That's probably the average sized dick worldwide because there are more Asians and it averages out. Yeah, I think so that makes sense

Yeah, I think so. That makes sense. Yeah, Bobby. What the fuck are you saying? Yeah. Bobby and Asians are bringing the curve down. That's what he's saying. Bring it down, you better get more clear than what I was saying. I tell you, he's got a big piece though.

Oh, my kid. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I can tell by his helmet. Yeah, but it's all like weezy. It's not big of mine. Listen, I was making a look at it. I can't tell by my mind. But you say it's all big and purple. It's all purple anymore. They say handsome. It's a handsome guy. How did they fix it if the nurse was like,

there's nothing wrong with it? Was a doctor. First of all, yeah, she wasn't that like that. She was just being short. Yeah. Because she was like, look, it's fine. I got other shit to do. I just look, just look. Well, we're done shit to do. Just look, we'll be done. Well she looks, she want to be looking, she was like yeah I see it it's fine. And here's the deal, if it's not, if something, because it looks like the helmet, the foreskin attached and this happens with babies, the foreskin can reattach itself to the helmet. And then they have to, they have to re-sort of, they have to recut.

And then you have skin on top of your helmet No, that was for skin. So you have like a discoloration if my kid if this happens I'm gonna fucking sue this broad. Oh hell yeah fuck yeah Right now I'm okay with it, but if it's supposed to as he gets bigger it's supposed to pop out and be all right I don't know I don't know dick. I don't know what happens to Dicks. I've never seen the dick evolution. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

None of us have seen as many as like Julius J. Gomez. You're going to be fine. Julius probably knows exactly what's going on. That's fine. We fine to watch. I'll fix it. I'm going to try spinning on it twice and pulling the ass.

I've seen it a million times. I'll just do this. Pushing dick back and pitch his belly button. Pop out. I, my ex-boyfriend had a weird circumcision where they fucked up the tip of his dick. So his pee hole would open up like the tremors. Like I think from Trimmers. Well, Bobby, may I have a penis please so I can show the room

Where is peeing did you try blowing in his belly button on Dylan so I said if he's peeing coming up the top of the dick here His pee came out on the side here What he had a side he had a fucking hit a dick drink me he had a dick tricky on it. Yeah, I could like look into the Ivy's penis and there would be nothing there. Just be like skin. Is that what we came to? No, no, he would come from in the side here. So when I would blow him, he would stop.

What the fuck? When you said we're telling you, we were in a spank. You didn't think like that. That sounds like a, oh my god, like a hiltz- I would fuck with girls all the time. That's never look at her. I think that's never happened before. You know, she's like, don't,

she's like, don't come in my face, but you, you, you, you, you, it's another about coming on your shoulder. Jesus, did you have to hold this dick like a flute? Yeah, you had a son of a loo pooh. Did you play an old Irish jigs on his dick? What a great dick first. Was it like a piglet?

Oh. Yeah. But a great dick first. Was it like a pig? Oh, but it was not. Did you suck him and it came out of the side? Should be a porn stuff. Yes. So what did you do with the come? Did you do you have to it was really? You have to bite it like a harmonica? No, it was really bad for I would always pull out because I didn't like people come in my mouth because remember I only I only had a guy come in my mouth like the first time eight months ago because I don't like it. And you didn't like it. How do you know if you only done it eight months ago?

Well, because I just didn't want any guy to come in my mouth. Do you think it's something that you build up a tolerance of stupid? I don't know over over. You gotta gotta tell you. When my wife like takes that on, I'm like, I don't know how you do this. You obviously love me more than I love you. I don't have my life to it. I don't like my wife to.

I don't like girls while I can go. I don't have my life to it. I don't like my wife to. I don't like girls while I can go. I don't like it. I like coming on your face. I'll come on your tits. I'll come over some more. First of all, I don't like cleaning it up. I don't want to be responsible for your eye. You know what I mean?

I'm usually hungry after and I wanted to make me something if she's going to want to eye. She's mad at me. See, that's the whole cheat. She's tripping over shit. You just fake like whatever weird come shit is finally you right and at the last minute You dodge you put a paper towel over. I'm not gonna give a shit because if you will do what I want I'm gonna I'm not even appreciated. I don't need the ability to give a shit after I come about what you did with my come

Yeah, I don't care either I don't want you to swallow it because then I feel like I owe you something like yeah And I can you take the garbage out I don't I owe you something like yeah, and I can you take the garbage out. I don't I swallowed your fucking God, I don't want to hear that shit. Oh fuck you Shut your fucking face for jyda I normally don't time now that I've done it for the first time I'm like okay with it now, but I would never swallow the first load because it's No, the biggest

First load of the day the first loads like the biggest and smelly is so I normally let that one That one goes in the in that that's the one They say you should drink that's the healthiest one. I like that. I all all karate masters drink their own first I Luis is a black belt What's him egg whites? Every time I think of someone swallowing I think of like Rocky I think if someone swallowing, I think of like rocky, drunken, yoke.

I knew it. I knew a kid in college is disgusting. He's bodybuilder. When he jerked off, he didn't want to lose any protein. No, come on. Jerked off, and then he put it in his protein shake. No, fuck off. That was your friend?

No, I just kidding. And his name was Chris Gobe. And that's why his ass is so big today. Because he drank his own protein every morning before he did squats. That's not good, Bill. Oh, God. So, dude, drinking your own jizz,

I've tasted my own jizz. That's evidently, right? Not accidentally, I flipped my legs over my hand and came in my own face. I almost snapped my neck. But seriously, that was killed myself. I almost killed myself. Big J used to have a whole J-he fell off a bed

and came in his own face by mistake. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I fell I intentionally flip my legs on my head and try to wait a minute you and how do you mean like you did I was trying to suck my I think this is pretty straightforward. Oh, I see okay. I saw something on the internet It was a cartoon drawing of how to blow yourself. This is recently internet. It's been around It's been around. That's what you want. That's what you want. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm gonna snap my neck. I almost killed myself. No, I almost killed myself It was like a headstand and you let the weight of my body mush the dick your mouth I think I see where you go. I don't like the word mush Well, obviously it's not a dick to move the weight of your body

the weight of your body it's such a mean fat thing to say it's so easy to suck your own neck yeah for you you fucking thin fucking jackal I did it on a fucking I did chair with handles when I was like 15 you made a dick sucked in machine no it's just a chair I don't know I'm trying to form you I guess was it really loud like it from the not hitting it

apparatus a dick sucked in apparatus but with only by imagination. Yeah like dick van dyke and chitty chitty bang-dang. Come on kids. Hi. Hi. Low. Anywhere you go.

I got a little past the head but not much past the head. Well, that's from top to down. Well, I flipped my legs. I got my head and the tip of my dick in. And I sucked on it for a minute. Then I flipped my legs. I got my my the tip of my dick in and I sucked on a for a minute Then I jerked off. I was jerking off to try to get it harder Are you and then I came in accidentally? I know it was gonna happen and I came It's not like what a six-go-towner. Look how it's an accident your control I came I was trying to fucking blow myself

But you want also as part of that I Because I didn't know what the whole experience. Well, I want it I wanted to taste what the fucking come tasted like and it was disgusting What happened after that like my mother was like what do you do? Oh, she was kidding now she was it my mother. I'm not lying to you. I had my door locked think Christ totally true while I was doing lying to you. I had my door locked think Christ Totally true while I was doing that I she banged on my door and went Curd are you masturbating I just where to go and I'm like this no, I'm not I'm trying to suck my own

You're like, well, that's so intermediate at home. Yeah, I literally pulled my face today mom Shut up mom I said it like outreach like how dare she so much Yeah, you had a bringles can She sends I was so was so I mean like yeah Me jerking up right after I came that was the worst What we in your bed you say I was in my room. Yeah, and you bed. Yeah, you have a loop. You're like, mom I gotta say this my protein shake Dad doesn't have an ass. I don't want that to happen to me

Yeah, your mom's addicted. They know what you're doing doing. Oh, what are you doing? You know what I'm fucking doing my boy My mom no, dude. She was like we're going to the store you want to go. I'm like nope Anytime I can get that house alone as a kid Use the VHR to watch porn not there was no porn. There was just before VHS. I will. This is before, this is right, right when people got... Would you jerk off to? My head, my brain, my thoughts.

It's not amazing that kids jerk off imaginations are ruined now. I jerk off to my imaginations. When I was like 13 or 14, I jerked off to my mom's cat, licking my neck, and then I found out a few weeks later that it was a boy cat And I felt weird about the situation Not the cat hilarious. What a sick how you are I'm so glad you stopped drinking I'm not fucking what the fuck mom a fag now

You dumbass is a fucking boy cat. I had a fucking lick of my neck. I was jerking off. I thought it was a girl What a nice yeah, I my mom like how Kirk gets all judgey trying to suck us out dick, but I got a cat like No, that was me I shouldn't be judgey, but a cat first of all me second my own dick is not as bad as you almost fucking a cat You you were in the you were doing four play with an animal I made this whole thing up. I made that whole thing up Yeah guy has a book to E. R. O. because he fucked it Dolphin 7 No, in the vagina it's called the wet goddess

No, no, in the vagina it's called the wet goddess And then like he says look it up. They've done it. Wait a minute. Oh Fucked it dolphin back in the 70s the funniest part is the 70s. Yeah, that's what dolphins were the shit You know All of those like rugs with the dolphin like embroidered on it From the seven or two dolphins and fucking came on to him Oh, I do you say and then like because they do. By the way, dolphins are rapists. If you were well known, well known fucking if you rubber dolphins belly, I swam with dolphins. And they

say, do not so to scrub his belly. So, fuck you. Just check you off. They'll attack you. They get horny. If you rub their belly, they'll fuck you. Yeah, they're raping. Yeah. You know that right thing up. You don't want to be raped by a dolphin. No. You would not, you know what I'm saying? The strength the dolphin has in the,

you do not wanna be, you'll be raped by a dolphin. You'll drown before you're gutted by the dick, but it's still not cool. Yeah. You can get killed by that. And then they laugh when you're some freaking ass pork get out. I love dolphins.

Well, don't fucking, you don't wanna get raped by one, dude. Not the belly when you say that. I like that. But that's a male dolphin. You know what, my bad. There was that thing about SeaWorld where they're like, what should we do with the killer whales? You're going about this all wrong.

You gotta get the people in the fucking tubs with the dolphins rubbing their stomachs. Yeah. You know? All right, that went over. Hey, can you give him the band-in there? You've been in there, there's a little. Oh, that was terrible.

I know the band-in there is. That's what I'm gonna cook to do. Whenever you do a fucking bomb. Rep, yeah. Rep that band-in there. Where's the band-in there? Oh, that was terrible. I don't know the band-in there, it's gone. That's what you cooked to go ahead. When have you do a fucking bomb? Rap, yeah. Rap that band-in there. And that's a bomb band-in there, and you deserve it. You wrap it around your mouth.

Wrap it around your microphone so we know who the last staker came from. Holy, you should gong him on that one too. Well, you did talk about this movie that one, man. You did talk about this movie that one, man. Oh, geez. Oh, fucking, right. Wait, I did. Fucking scope, oh.

This is the past. That was even my fault. That was a good idea. Well, you get me a better gong. I'll get you a better gong, yeah. Um, you talking about the dolphin rape and stuff. There was a documentary on Vice, where it was about the village.

A village? That's just hated, if you talk about it. A village. He's hated. He's talking about the vice. Oh, uh, uh, uh. This is a document. It was, you know, I don't know. It was a weed country like Kansas,

organic, stand, or whatever. Where they had the men. You know what I'm next to? Well, I don't know, whatever. Where they had men fucked donkeys. Oh, you know what I'm called? It's in Mexico. It's in Mexico.

They went on fucking women because. They called the bachelor party. But they actually showed footage of this guy like it's like a hero. Like how many donkeys you fucked like 60 wow good for you. How is this? It was in like a weird like not not not Romania but I'm gonna get you a bobby globe so you can fucking contextualize the story because you didn't know where

where it is the fact that the fucking banana foreskin dessert country Oh, dude, that was something I saw on TV I should have heard Where did you get it? Hey, remember how do you forget it? I would never forget that fact Hi, yeah, I knew it was just on, it was on travel channel Bizarre foods

Do you think Pete's dick looks like a banana with a force? I bet you and Pete's dick is a fucking... He's got a big dick. Jesus, cranky and not fucking big. What, we so excited about that, so? I know, I know. No, this phone, I haven't on my other phone. How many phones do you have?

What are you a drug dealer? No, no. Why do you have two phones? You know, yes, two. Well, one for girls, and the one for me, my friends. So, you know, that's... Are have a naughty boy phone and a good boy phone All right, that's cool really what kind of phone is killing it? I have a galaxy that's my normal phone and the iPhone What do you mean pizza killing it with the ladies you're banging a lot of bronze?

Don't be good. How old are you 20? Wow don't get AIDS. Yeah, I don't you already look like you have it so Fuck is wrong with you Kurt. Why would you this not even You don't look like you have age you look like you have Hepsy Now you can survive with that. I can't you know, yeah, Pamela Edison has it does she she got it from Tommy right? Yeah, they still they still fuck All right good do they really I don't know I hope so I Remember my mom going back to the jerking off thing. She said I'm going to the store She said oh

Sorry how many hours of this show has been like dedicated to jerking off I started off Hello honey my wife is driving back with the baby late night. You're all right. We're doing the show. You're good How many hours of this show has been like dedicated to jerking off? I started off by that time. Hello, honey. My wife is driving back with the baby late night. You all right? We're doing the show. You're good? Hi, Dawn. I can hear you now, man.

One of the mobile phones on the bar. Oh. I think about it now. One of them on 15 point left. OK, cool. Yeah, we're just talking about the time I got caught jerking off by my mother. Look at this stuff right here. All right, well, I'm glad you have a sense of humor

All right, I love you good, right? All right, I'll see you soon. We're glad your son's penis is better. Oh, yeah, this is that we talked about Max's dick The penis the purple penis with Max Purple penis either. I'm not talking about it in a bad way I just brought it up how it's freaked out, you know what I mean? All right What a fucking to what I do wow Anyways I do wow Anyways

What's that we are showing a picture of my kids dick? No, no, no, it's max. Oh, yeah, he's the best. It's a cute That's a photo that you took. That's an original photo. You can't do that. Can I see him? Baby sitting I'd like to see this baby. I'm gonna ask Chris to stuff it off. He could send me a picture of my dad I think it sent me a picture of my dad. That's a cute kid, man. I'm serious. That's a cute kid. That's fun. Look at him.

He's like, Kelly talks to me more than that. How long it looks like he did? Yeah. He totally looks like him. Yeah, he's got a big addicted me apparently. Dude, it compares to you. So anyways, my mother, I'm jerking off. He's not going to have to mush when he's a teenager.

He can be a shithead. He's not going to have to go legs over the head of your face, aren't you fat? What? I wasn't making a fat joke. I know, but it was just fun to the way you said it. So, Pate's gonna get a picture of his dick sent to you from Chris' Tiffany.

Phil's on top right now. So, Kelly, we settled down. He's fucking a rough one out to it. She's dying to get a picture of his cock. Just like a man. Do you want to fuck Pete? Is that what it is? Come on.

So, here's a deal. So anyways Oh God, can I get to the finish this fucking story? Forget it. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm not gonna hear it jerk it off. I was trying and she's fucking cut it off Now it's anti-climatic. I'm not saying it. You think I'm gonna follow this as a room for a comedian So tell us and then I go ahead and you guys like yeah, that's great. Good for you, Gong. I'm not happy.

I'm trying to get rid of this rag. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Now we're behind you. I really. I jerked off in this new house that I'm renting and I'm, I feel weird because it's a friend of mine. Tell us I'm renting and his father passed away and I don't want his father to see me

jerking off his house I feel like I'm in the house no he didn't but still I think he's in the house because I could smell ghosts ghosts that's come yeah go smell bleechy go right where it'll run out of my mouth it's come no it's calm.

No, it's not. I just feel, that's a whole old ghost. I feel like he's watching, like he could be watching me, and I just feel embarrassed. I don't feel like, I don't want to not disrespect him. I just don't want him to see the size of my clock. I would throw a metal hands wide to it. I would throw a metal hands wide to it. And by the fuck, who's houses this now? That would get out of the hands. Why did it? Am I the fucker? Who's houses this now?

I don't get about of the room. I hate this music. Is this where you live with your sweetie? She's all over his fucking. Really? Yeah. You don't give a shit. Fuck a ghost. I fucked up the other day. What?

I jerked off. I had to go to L.A. So I jerked off in my bed, and then I was late. So the camp came down. I just pulled my pants left. And then like I came back a week later, and then I was late. So the camp came down, I just pulled my pants left, and then I came back a week later, and then I went to sleep and I was laying in a pool of my own. Of hard jizz? Yeah, and that's how I woke up.

I thought I was drooling. I was like, I don't drool. Oh! Oh! I was poking and shit, and I was like, oh, it's my cup. With his tongue. Oh! Then he froze it in a fucking ice cube tray

Stuck it. Why is the sheet frosted? What would you go to LA for Pete? I just had a couple meetings and stuff That's good. That's good. That's good. That sounds like regular meetings Yeah, Pete is throwing his fucking wiener all over the stand. I think he said he's blowing up right? Stand up right? It's gulp up. I just want to clarify when I was in LA, I was going to AA meetings, not meetings with

industry people. There's difference there. You're cross talking in San Monica. You know, if you were Joe DeRose, you'd find a way to make those industry. Yeah. You were a writer. This is not me. You know, man.

I'm a writer, you know, but I don't drink for just today so I can make some hookups. You can't do this in the world. What is it? Oh. Wow, that's fucking good, Pete. You're on the Wilding Out show. Yeah.

Which I do. Out of all the shows that are on that fucking network. That's not. You were going to say go after a second. I wasn't going to. Okay. But it's a kid network. Right. I was farting.

Um, you can tell it's a child's network. It's for kids. It's for teenagers. But that Wilding Out show is actually a fucking hard show to do. Yeah, they don't it's improv so it's yeah. Do you have an improv background? No, no, no, you know what you got you have fucking balls. Yeah, that is confidence. Have you got shot them already? Yeah, yeah, the season's done. Do you get the ideas like do they tell you what's gonna what's gonna go on? They get you. But yeah but he's like, don't be going lifting up the curtain here, pal.

We have rehearsal. Yeah, I don't know, because everybody asks me, we have rehearsals, and then I'd say 90% of the show, we have no idea what's going on. And then they like tell us, this is the game you're gonna play, but they don't give us the topic. Do you know, I started it in Prove. It's like I could give you a couple of tips.

Oh, how do you know that back in Boston? I did, I started with, I didn't go, I Oh, yeah, you know Magical now The garden the Boston garden I started throwing shoes at you. Yeah, I was like I know there was a guy there He's now out. Oh, Dane this guy. Yeah, I'll be used to open for Joe Rogan. I Did yeah, yeah, yeah the improv team. Yeah, Jesus scope Joe Rogan. I did.

Yeah. The improv team, yeah. Jesus, scope. Good on you. It was a good guy. It's great. Yeah, we did improv, but I were improv sucked, dude. We did something one week and if it worked, we kind of kept it and just fucking weaseled

it in somehow the next week. I remember one time we had this canned improv. We shot this projector thing. We had a projector going with these slides. And the thing fell off the the mount and rolled across the floor. And it was whole people were dying. It was just as crazy. They thought we were just doing it. And we were flowing with it. And we just was trying to put it back in. And and then the next week we tried to do it again. We tried to break the projector,

but it was fixed. So like it didn't work and they were like what's going on and everybody's uncomfortable and it just ruined fucking Joe. So when you would like do this stuff that had worked before and it wasn't true improv would other like improv purists be like they're not doing it. We worked at comedy clubs. So we were the first guys to go. We were the first comedy group they had the, well, the BCN comedy riot was the biggest amateur comedy competition in the country at the time.

In Boston, it was huge. Anthony Clark did it, you know, any huge comic back then, it was in it. It was amateur, but a lot of people blew up from this. We were in it with Patrice, I think Burr and me and Al the monkeys Medine entered it by himself too, which kind of you know, we were like what a dick thing You know what I mean? Why are you we're a group man? And he kind of entered it and got into the finals. Thank God he didn't win that would have sucked if we had to go against him and he just fucking Sabotized all the props. You know what I mean? Who fixed the projector?

But yeah, we went it to the finals and we won. We're like the first comedy group to win. So it was a big, big deal. And the guy, Mark Perente, who is the biggest guy in radio in Boston at the time, loved us, loved us, loved Dane. Find out later, he's fucking, you know, picking boys up with Xboxes in front of the White House. That's where the guy is. Why the White House? Just the percentage.

He was in DC. Yeah, it's so Boston. It's a perfect place to mean. But everything I hear about Boston, it's always that mr. Griver Misery everybody's dad looks like that one guy that's the dad and all this Just like to me just forget it move on Well, are we gonna bring up the past so what he touched your dick?

Everybody got that dick suck your second dick again Move on you move on you do your life. That's like the unseen Red side that's the only thing that's going to the game now I'm gonna get everything that's all the unseen parts of the hopper commercial What do you mean it's an iPad? I listen huh shut up. You know he's uncle faster suck my dick, too You got an Xbox didn't you don't bring up the past So true well, yeah, and we they wound up asking us to do the Boston this big show They did the year before they did it in front of like 800 people. So that's no big deal We were like yeah, this should they were doing in the Boston Garden who's 14,000 people

Oh my god, and we were so fucking Boston Garden who was 14,000 people. Oh my gosh. And we were so fucking, we were such megalomaniacs. We didn't even, we were doing improv. You can't do improv in front of 14,000 people. All right. You don't go, hey, what pisses you guys off? You.

Somebody can be a word. We walked out there with, we all had different colored shirts on too, so they thought we were a boy. Yes. This is right when new kids, you can still look like a beautiful gorgeous boy band boy. Yes, it's a huge thing. And I think Dane came up with this idea.

He goes, we should all squat down. And when they announce us, we should jump up and spin and turn. Of course, he said that. Worst. No. It was a good idea at the time. It was, you should go on to always do. Terrible.

Terrible, man. It was terrible, man. It was, you should go on to always do. It's terrible. It was terrible, man. It was fucking terrible. And I remember looking at my friend Jay in the middle of this improv, and he was trying to fuse and freeze. So he's like this, just frozen and sweat. I saw sweat pouring out of his throat.

He was his eye-spotted quivering. He just wanted to go home. Oh, love. How long was that when the strength leaves your body and you just want to be a... Well, I wanted to give him a speech. I took my share it off. I was like, listen.

Oh, that's what I was saying. We know you didn't come here to see comedy. You came here to see the spin doctors, because they were there. They went on before us. Oh wow This one, you know little miss little miss can't be wrong right? I was I do like 95 yeah, yeah right when they come He was born that year

The fuck of the spin doctors listen don't act like this shit didn't happen before you were born Five right you'll be there soon enough, dude. Two princes, son. Get the fuck out of here. I can't wait to hear you, you're 43. And you look like you look now. Yeah. Ha ha ha. But that Crohn's has a hold of his body like Mr. Burns.

Yeah. Crane's many as a dick. It's a scroll. It's a scroll down. You got Crohn's, that's right. They, yeah, they started, she, then they started chanting. Shanana. Oh. Hey. But I thought of, I didn't know that was a bad song for the first couple of minutes. They yeah, they they started she then they started chan

I didn't know that was a bad song for the first couple minutes. I thought they were doing something so you thought it was like I was like yeah, we know you the fish was going on after a miserable Had you get into the fish and spin down in the middle? Let's do what a fucking awful spot for improvs. Yeah for an amp and we've been doing it for like a year Yeah, but did I tell you that last time I was here that I've been to like six fish concerts but never seen a show I just went to the parking lot to find opium Now I just got a fish parking lots to find drugs. I've been at like six fish causes. I never heard them I just would go to get like good weed shit from him using like like all kinds of rear-shade Yeah, and you are rummaging to my fucking cabinets go fuck yourself

I don't know you had opium I would have I said you're a trip to a fish context What's it different what what is opium do that other stuff doesn't it's just like a natural day You're a trip to a fish content. You're always a man. I would be go-dead. Yeah. What's a different, what does opium do that other stuff doesn't? It's just like a natural, you never find that shit. I heard horror stories about fish concerts where guys would throw acid on guys' backs and they just start tripping out and never come back. Well, that's not true. That can't be true, dude.

That Canadian came out in you, too. That's not true? I didn't know. Maybe it was. I got all apologetic. You know what? I mean, that girl I was seeing is working the seller that she had white, white girl dreadlocks. I know you remember her. I did because she sold acid. And she told me all about

fucking these acid families that make. They're like, you know all these like hippie festivals out out in the woods. They're still going on and then spin doctors still play them and they're but they have like a war with the townies all the time. That's never ended. So there's acid families but nobody's ever put acid on somebody's back. That's totally fucking. No, that's but the guys that make it and like refine it, they're fucked. Like these dudes are so fucked up that make acid. It's so much more It's a great documentary. I know Be a great documentary to fucking learn about acid. Yeah, acid is such a hidden drug

It's like, you know, you know, meth and coke and crack And marijuana or just this does everything on those things. I've never seen a documentary on acid now because it's on what it is I don't even know really what it is. That's around. And you still hear it once it wants like a real treat. You're like really hear about mushrooms. You don't really hear about acids. I'm gonna do a real, a couple real quick ads.

Make sure this holiday season, you guys gonna buy anything, you get to take a piss? Yeah, sure, it's right there. So that face on you, you're just like, yeah. Go to use our Amazon link on ryecast.com slash Robert Kelly. Go there on ryecast.com and there's an Amazon button click on it by all your gifts from that link. And you guys will be helping out the show.

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I'm potentially lose headphones. Go to twick.io.com right now, Kurt, and 33% off. How much is the price? They're fucking like 10, 15, 20 bucks. Oh, like that? And then you get 30% off of that. They're really tough though.

Yeah, really rough. No, you've got to be back and you like, you're like, that's what I need. Yeah, they're really tough. Yeah, twick.io.com, make sure you go there and use the code word, dude, dude, dude, code word, dude, dude, and you get 30% off, free shipping and lifetime limited warranty.

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Right, the fuck now. Skopo, you got this buddy. So anyways, man. Oh. What's up? We're back. I thought you. We're back.

I want to know what fucking Crohn's disease is. Jaren has it. Like, you're gonna have it. Really? Yeah. What is it? She has it, I girl has it. Really? What is it? She has pretzel guts, like a... Oh no. It's like colitis or it's one of the things

where you're intestinal lining gets really inflamed over like if you eat seeds you'll die. What? People use to die from it. Now they have drugs that keep your body from attacking. Isn't that what? Your immune system attacks your own intestines because of like blockage and shit. It's real fucked up. dogs that keep your body from attacking. Isn't that, isn't that what? You're immune system attack-troning testons

because of like blockage and shit. It's real fucked up. She had operations and had likes. No, she does pretty well with it, but she takes drugs for it. But people are all different. Some people, I had a roommate that had it that he had to get a piece of it.

Everybody eventually has to get a piece of their intestine. Yeah, friend of mine just had that done. And it's like a big scar down his stomach. It was an air's nuts But she's your girl is so pretty You know that right inside Every time I see her she like grassy she's like hey Inside her intestine. Well, that's a Brock Lesnar head, isn't it? Yeah, I think so didn't he have the same thing and he that's crones

Yeah, I think I thought Didn't he have the same thing and he that's Crohn's? Yeah, a lot of people. I thought that was diverticolitis. In fact, it's not even a Jew thing like I always joke with her. I thought it could be it gets related to it, but it's not. Yeah, Crohn's his own thing. What's a belief? It's not necessarily Jewish to get it. That's what I found out for it. But isn't diverticolitis? Is that what I'm saying? Is this saying? Yeah, you can't eat nuts. I thought I had that last year. Oh, turns out I was drinking too much coffee and like what's his name has that? Oh, I think James Smith is that what he had? Yeah, that's I think that's the shit He got or Roguel one of them. Well James had to leave the country because you got set James has some shit like that

But I really don't know. I was with similar to it really me. I always think I have some kind of irritable thing I'm I'm not called a personality I have some kind of irritable thing. I'm called a personality. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm scared of that one. I'm scared of diverticulitis.

That's where a seed gets stuck in your, like a sunflower seed or whatever gets stuck in your intestinal track and gets infected and then puts a hole. Right. And my sister's, my sister, my wife's brother had that and he had to wear a fucking, you know, he's a big, big man. It worked at the prisons, transport and prisoners, big guy.

And he had to wear like a fucking colostomy bag. Forever, just. No, for a while, they had to, he lost a little weight and he had to wear a colostomy bag and that shit spilled one day you rubbed his nose in it bad bad bad bad bad pissing warden bad sorry buddy what's up yeah sure buddy good

um what were you showing Chris before Pete on your phone did you get a picture of your dick said back to you no no no no Kelly will you fucking stop with this clock? Why do you want to see his dick so bad? I don't know if it's there Kelly just say it. What do you want you want to see his cock? Yeah, I like saying different dicks like to say, you know the face of the dick, you know That's very unusual usually girls are not interested in just seeing dick. I want to know how to judge me You know, but you know that like girls are like I mean I can fluff it

I know No, no, no, no is my dick stinkin' right now? Wait, what is that? My dick. Why is it stinkin'? It's not that it stinks. It's just like, it's not like, there's the definitely not the freshness that I once had of my dick and balls,

and I didn't realize as I get older, that's a real thing. It might be a fungus. No, it's not. No, no, no, no, it might be because I know it had a fungus stanky vagina. It's not like bacteria. She had bacteria in her pussy hole.

I had fucking a bacteria on my dick and it made it stank. Yeah, that happens. Yeah, but not like that. I had that too. Yeah, it's just muscle. What did it smell like? It stinks shit. It just smelled like it shouldn't have smelled.

That's not why I just got out of the shower and I'm like, this is it? No, no, no, no, no, no, just getting out of the shower. It's fine like that. It's like, you know know end of the day. Yeah, you probably have cardic You know what you know what you just sit the fuck is card there when you sit in the car I knew right away What does he doing are you on your phone? What's what are your wife can't for an hour and a half can't let you go? Fucking hour and a half you can't not look at your phone.

Is that fucking your honeymoon and fucking newlywed? Yeah. What happened? Nothing. She's just thinking I love you. There's the same. Good night. How about this?

How about this? Hey, relax. I know. Hello. Also part of it could be like I got a new playstation game and didn't have to go out So I just didn't shower for like a day for full day or two. Yeah, but you dick and smell what are you doing? All right, listen can you guys smell my dick for what are you on your phone? There's no phones Patrick's got something funny. I don't give a fuck first. Well, that did not give a fuck

You're already getting spots kid like Patrick listen and take your foot off the gas that did not give a fuck a dear you fucking say that in the street face to your men you're already getting spots kid uh... like Patrick listen and take a foot off the gas alright pat always watching life that supports you know i mean that's a fucking pat is a supporter of comedy yes he is a good comedy

he's a true well not anymore since he's been part of the club and he's putting certain people up but listen uh... but he's not not me no he he, you know, did you get that live? You cock, Saka. No, Pat is a true. He's got comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not fucking around. He's one of the good ones. He is a fuck, even though he's a mess.

Fuck. I love Pat. But you still don't fucking the app to him on the fuck what do you say? What do you say? He is good. He does have good ones. It's his funny. It's a fucking singer. All right What is it? Okay, if it's not I If it's not a bandana for him. No, you're getting the bandana You get it on a picture and you come back. What do you say? All right. What do you say? Watching Bobby do improv with Dane that night was like watching John Moses perform in an

industry showcase. Why do you bomb an industry showcase? Yeah, I can go bomb. What happens on the high? It's going a little too inside, but it's very inside. So he was at that. Yeah. He wasn't at mine.

Wow. He is. No, he's never seen. No, he's no. he wasn't at mine. Wow. He is No, he's never seen no, he's no, he wasn't even fun. Pat Patrick detects you would I want to know Patrick Patrick was still into fucking wrestling at that time Hold on Yeah, you know It's like Kind of

Like The undertaker's body go are like best friends. He looks like a lot of the other take his manager He had to undertake Paul bearer the under-take pole bear the pole bear uh... Patrick bearer is on the line Patrick bearer no he he uh... yeah no he never saw us perform i got it right now you're absolutely not because

we were done before any of us came to New York dainn went to New York by himself we were done oh Patrick's not from uh... No, he's from here. But he's making a reference that it would be like, watching me and Dan do it, probably be like, watch him. You see that? Basically, John, in a show case, is awful. What happened?

What happened? We're gonna get into this? Yeah, we're talking about jerking off. Well, no, we're talking about this now. I was gonna try to get to Crohn's disease. We can. I would love to spread the word. Spread the word.

You want to be the spokesperson. I'm fine. I'm a remission. I've got a likability issue, I guess. I love that he opened up about his Crohn's disease for one second and you went, I got a likability issue. You know, back to me.

What do you mean a likability issue? You seem like a really nice guy. I've never met you and you seem like a swell guy yeah somehow just a friendly you choke it choke it showcases what you're saying yeah you don't like him no I like it I just thought the first time I met him I thought he was a dick and then I got to hang out with him and that's because he had that effort was on yeah but you didn't like me didn't you do it no I thought you didn't like me really no but I am a dick but that's all right that's why I'm doing this is because I'm a dick no I thought you didn't like me really no, but I am a dick. That's why I'm doing this is because I'm a dick

No, I thought you didn't like me Who cares who you fucking like to what you thought fine? Fucking The room wins I don't know maybe I think earth counts for something here kid, all right Get pleased to paper towel rolls. We'll yeah, can you get a paper towel roll and then stiffen us? What so what happened you at your I love here? Can I tell you to I used to I bombed at industry showcases all the time I so much dude. I oh I fucking would I mean so bad

I remember I bombed so bad in LA at my manager, I think it was a, it's not, I don't know who it was, somebody, a fuck who wasn't. It was, oh, I know, paradigm. Paradigm had a showcase for their clients. Mikey D was on it. Pea Corielli, bunch of people. Mikey D, it fucking annihilated. Corielli fucking killed it., Mikey D. It fucking annihilated.

Corielli fucking killed it. I went up and bombed so bad. Were you at the end? Were you at the end? Of course I am. I'm always at the fucking end. Yeah, that's what CSD thinks. Same thing up in me at the improv to try to get an agent.

I bombed so, let me finish. I bombed so bad. I was at the end of this. I literally looked into the crowd and I counted in my head. One, two, three, four, to 20. And I just stared at each person's face. And I went, that was uncomfortable, wasn't it?

Now you know how I feel. And I walked off stage. Oh, well, you know how he brought me on stage from a mantra, oh, audition, you counterfeit, a little bit, he goes, this next kid's dad died on 11. Give it a bit. You fucked up a little bit. I said it very tenderly, and I said.

You said it for a bunch of tourists. Well, that's not fucking the new credit, dude. This is not a credit on his bio. He doesn't have enough back on my head shot. First of all, I juggle. I took a tent that might be a credit. I juggle like speaking Spanish and my dad died. I September, I was trying to impress I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm. I'm. I what is it all about my dad died nine eleven uh... my grandma's birthday is on nine eleven and it's my mom's mom yeah

so my mom she didn't like my dad so i was wanted to ask her like if she made any wishes you don't say like that no but that's because what i said at that showcase fucking terrible job that's just fucking i don't think i said about yet the fucking i want you to have what is it i don't remember what so

Anyways, what happened to you at the industry show? I still have an agent you know we're coming out. I still can't get a fucking agent booking no and the last time I just showcase was in braw in LA And I went on last because they always put their fucking week as all the weaker clients They are they always have to put the weak ones on in the perfect yeah these people that become famous but you fucking literally fluff them into the spot yeah you've given them the perfect where can we put them where they won't bomb well well shone patty legitimately killed on his own I want you didn't get an easy spot

but fucking don't ruin the fucking moment that you know what I do who I fucking guys hate that I got in a Facebook that's not Easy spot but fucking don't ruin the fucking moment I got in a Facebook that's not near my time that guy with the glasses. It was on Conan It's like a weird autistic guy. He yells. He seems easy something you think I am not Snape's right. Do you ever see that guy? He went on with his precious shit that he does There's some trashy's in trash pants on and like just annihilated okay, so cuz he's in that little sweet prime spot And he's a fucking got a handicap so everybody wants it No, he just it's already funny. It's just LA Can we just stop there? No honest you got a handicap a fucking that that's

It's a handicap. Yeah, listen. He's yeah, but it's a fucking handy Whatever he's not a this guy little Jimmy like what is he cripple? What does he got? I I he's fucking trash me on some fucking stupid interview that I did and and I'd made fun of them Because I thought you like pal not pals, but like I don't know he left his fucking debit card on the table and I ran after him I thought we had cool nice guy here and being nice guy Yeah, he goes his jokes if I can even call them that you got to read this huffy thing He wrote about me so I started making fun of them and somebody guys listen Dude, we think he's borderline autistic or ass burgers or something and I'm like all right

Well, what do you know these people get away with murder? Yeah, but did you fuck you you're asked that that that means you're an asshole Yeah, I mean then Adam and has it. He's a you know, you know, he's a spurs Well, I look at the ground. I don't make eye contact, but I'm fucking hilarious. I caught myself French, but who knows? I mean, you know, I don't like I am alone. I live in a apartment. I don't need that much to eat every day.

I'm not opportunity for women, but I don't want them. Yeah, I don't want them. It sounds like the clock for me. He and I, I want breast beneath, but you see, he's clock grader from Brave Little Toaster. Well, I'll leave a house before you see blanking vacuum outside every single point. That is really funny too.

That's great, movie. But so fucking whatever, Cisco kills. I go on last. Love, buddy. You can talk in the microphone while doing a podcast. I know, but it's fucking brutal. No, I didn't. I swear to God.

I didn't. Kelly, I'm pretty dead. Oh, no. I just want nothing. Skopo just wants to know so we can add it to your bio later and parted on Let's go ball on easy guys Leave the ball on Moses I bring you on the fucking show and you trash me. Hey, that was the first one Body so wait I go on the point of me. I'm right here you I go and last fucking this dead everyone is just sucked all the life out of the fucking crowd dude and I ain't my notes

so hard and then I just sat. I was texting them almost like, well good luck getting me an agent net like I think I'm melt down. I need you know what shit were you like and this I always fucking choke is because I'll have some thing in my head that I got to get this which you don't have to get and I had it in my head. I got to get an agent. I got it because I left Steinberg's, right?

And I wasn't getting that shitty road work that get you. Yeah. So when I wasn't, Dave, don't do, Rath, don't do, fucking road work. Do you understand that I bombed on my agency showcase? I had an agent. I did, I bombed on my agent showcase. And they don't say drugs. Like my agency didn't like you me. Did there, I bombed on my agent show?

And they'll say, Dr. Like my agency didn't like you me. Like I didn't need to do this. You know what I mean? I had an agent in a man that you'd have called in sick, you would have been fine. I would have been great. I probably would have had more.

That's like Quinn one time, I mean, he did Naka. He, 3000 people, the big one, the big Naka for colleges. Lewis Black went on before him and just decimated the room. Who is this? He, 3000 people, the big one, the big knack of ecologists. Lewis Black went on before him and just decimated the room. Who is this? Who went, we were, Lewis Black. No, who went after him? Colin Quinn.

Oh, Colin. And this was like one of his fats too. That's during one of his... He was in a purple suit. He just looked fat and chubby and sweaty. He was on two trinitrons and I just, I remember he was doing his joke. Oh, wow.

You know, I got him. Well, I folks, you know, like that one, we'll go with this one. And fucking just a hot one. 3,000 just hot ones. And then he, I remember he turned to the side and his neck folded and I saw sweat, dripped down it into his neck.

Oh, he goes, he said it. I would have got more schools by not doing this. If I canceled, if I got the flu, I would have got more schools. That's how I know. 3000 fucking schools, not one. That's why I know I'm throwing it, is I feel that one drip go down my fucking neck.

I'm like, oh, you've blown it. Right there. What was yours? What did you bomb on the industry? Okay. Well, I think there's been a couple over at the stand there, but you were a problem with you with him I remember there's a ton of the Montreal thing. I think this was a different night, but you go ahead I I did not get Montreal. I think you do good at that one or no. I think you did good at that

I think I did half-assed. I mean it wasn't it wasn't like stand that it wasn't terrible It's because the Broadway comedy club, dude. I don't know why the audition people there it's fucking it's a fucking basement apartment dude I I cannot win there and by the way I've never won like I fought them to a draw once or twice but I've never done well I saw Kurt you took a hot one like you did you people with you like you're like giving fingers to people in the old that's more they wrote to Al Martin. Yeah. Kurt Metzger went on stage and then called us sweaty balls or something in walled off stage after only a few minutes. Like they hated it and there wasn't enough.

Was it a complaint? And you're wondering why you don't have a what? Well, I clipped sticks, dude. That was one of the new things. This guy's got writers' guild insurance. If I had a better attitude, I could probably, but I hate this fucking crowd of dumb shit suckers that bought tickets in the street.

So goddamn much. And the second they don't go with me, whatever my slightest whim is, I'm like, fuck you. Who fuck this? Fuck this whole bullshit fake liquor. Like, I can't take it. New York comedy club's great, though. I love it. I love playing New York comedy club I just played the stand-in then it was great. I never I love stand-in stand-in

Stand-in of New York. Yeah, that's been good. I've never I haven't played that in eight years. Yeah, I just stopped going. I went there the last time It was just such a nightmare. Well sometimes you'll go and you I don't know it because you'd be killing it because it's pretty good And then I'll send you like why is no one into it? You forget? Oh, it's fucking Swedish night for some reason Right, and you have no idea they're just all Swedish. Oh, it's lightly not and they're looking regular and white So yeah, it's a club look good. It looks great, right? It was a nice small room. I like I had a really good time I do my podcast and you know, Frank, we stop playing with you Michael. I don't know I don't know Specifically how's this crumbling down? What's that you. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

That house is crumbling down. What's that, buddy? I don't know specifically why I bombed that night, but I get this thing sometimes where I think of something. It's not like an opening joke. I'm like, let me just do this little piece of crowd work right up front and I get this feeling in my stomach and then I'll go on it and then it'll fucking fall flat and I'll be like, why?

Because you want this thing too bad and you know, treat like like a chick, you're trying to fuck and being a loof like you need to bait and you're like, I gotta get to see you. I tell you what, that's the truth. The second I stop giving a fuck about any of these festivals is the second I got them all. I got them all in one year. That's when you get it. That's fucking calling when I pass this so I guess, how was it Kurt? Antichlomactic.

That's how it's always gonna be for you. And he was right. Well, by the time you get it it you already should have got it. Yeah, so you're already over it. Right. The only certain people, Dan Soda, get shit before they're supposed to get it and they experience the high of that. The problem with that, what him? No, no, no, go ahead. The problem with that is that if when it goes away and it will, you'll crash and burn.

Right, right. You know what I mean? You're not gonna, because you fail most of the time. Yeah, it doesn't matter, that's the point. You know what I mean? You've just met, but somehow you know me. Well, because I'm the same way. I've had a claw and scrapping grab for everything

I've gotten this business. But you know, yeah, I mean, like he's gotten a lot of stuff young, but actually the fucking the night it happened, Pete went up before me and fucking destroyed and I was like, well, they like this little fucking Pipsqueak. They're gonna love me. No, he's a very likable guy. He's a cuteie. Look at him. Well, I mean, here's a thing too is that He is a cute fucking likable dude. You're not you're a fucking ginger with Joe Consciously they already dislike me You don't think I go on the stage Last night in the stand-up to you okay, I went up. I go look. I told them I go you aren't gonna like me

You're gonna fucking be offended. You're gonna you're gonna get it It's gonna take you a minute, but you'll be cool with me in a little bit if you just chill out and it's like I know I know you're a fucking Clant And you're not gonna get me, but you can't you can't fault me that people like If they offered me all this shit when I was young I'd fucking take it too Oh, of course, but all these people Like all the stuff that you're getting now you hope that this motherfucker just goes

Goes and goes and goes, but you're gonna have your lows too and then you know It's just and you'll have your highs. That's the weird thing about this business And if I'm my high and if my high is when Pete slow, I'm gonna piss all over him And if I'm still waiting for it, if my high is when Pete's low, I am going to piss all over him. I'm going to be riding your coat, Dills. You got the wittering now. So things are probably going to change for you. Yeah.

Like on stage, because you're unlockable now, because it's like, look at it. I love it. Pete got a show and then he made you audition for it. And then you didn't get it. You failed in that too. I thought one that too. I was downstairs and fucking nervous because I wasn't getting a lot of spots.

And some woman comes back from the bathroom and I said something and whatever I said, it just fell flat and I had like seven seconds where I was just like, ugh. Yeah, well that's just a shot. We eventually get enough beatings that you don't have that shock,

that shovel in your head fucking like Right, right. How could that not have brought the house down? Right, right. I had that so much. I had that so much. I had that so much. Yeah, but you're also they make you strip you a shit down to this fucking

industry horse shit to what they're this is what they're gonna like go fuck your face Do what the fuck you do. Go on stage like it's a fucking Tuesday night and you swear, fuck it, do you. You know what I mean? That's all you can do. If you try to become him, you fucked. Well, first of all, I have to get croned

and a bigger dick. But, and a better career. It's like his giant dick is draining the nutrients he needs to firm up his body. Like he's just like a baron. It's all going to life of its own. I'm Dixie, I'm going to drink tonight. Kelly, will you have a thing of this I gave you? What the fuck is that?

I'll freak it out. Anyways. Why? What's tomorrow? Uh, more this shit. Dix all going'll freak it out. Anyways, why, what's tomorrow? More dishes. Dicks are going to sell it tomorrow. Oh shit. Yeah, dude, listen, here's a deal. You ready?

What would you tell him? I would tell you to fucking kill it. Sit, just go kill it. Don't fucking worry about, don't worry about getting in. Yeah, look at I didn't get in to Comic strip. I didn't get in to danger field. I didn't get in to stand up in New York or New York comedy club I'm gonna at the Boston comedy club in the seller. That's it. And you know what funny wins now I'm I can do play all them if I want Get got them told me to send a tape

Yeah, I remember Chris is there so I just annihilated on the showcase I Fucking annihilated like literally I could have put the mic down. That's it good night That type of shit. I couldn't even get oh shit at the end of it drop the mic what? Pop lock. Oh my god. I walk out and he goes I was good say good say hey send me a tape I was like okay I walked away you're gonna send him a tape I he just saw me what the fuck does he want to pause it watch it again nobody been has VHS anymore yeah it was fucking great but you know I love mazili I love Gotham I you know I play there that's where I play in the city

now yeah I love Caroline's it doesn't matter, that's where I play in the city. I love carolines. It doesn't matter, you gotta go in and this is, I mean, look, this is the club for me. This is the club, this is where this club made me better. This club for me, when I look in this certain people here and there's a certain comic that gets on, not every, you don't get on here because you have a show. You don't get on it because you're famous. You don't get on here because you have a show. You don't get on it because you're famous.

You don't get on here because you're the fucking hot thing. That doesn't happen. You get on here because you're funny. That's it. That's why I like this club. No, you didn't bring 10 people. You don't have a fucking hit series. You're not on a fucking show. It doesn't matter if you're not funny. Buy. That's why I like it. Or you're like a really good unfunny. So I'm just like there is space for you don't think there's not In case the case Bob's advice of killing you it doesn't work up. I think you just do you do you'll be fine You'll be fine. You're a funny kid. You're killing it anyways. Just you cannot be afraid of this You just got to go and do your thing Sit and if you don't get in who gives a fuck?

You'll get in again some down the road. You know what I mean? Just do it again, so and if you get in then you just fucking you'll be psyched I'm so excited. Yeah, you'll be great. You'll be fine. I'll be here tomorrow night Yeah, you know, you know, I'll be looking Yeah, well Don't try to fucking be like hey, SD.. I just you know just be you just be fucking quiet And you know the way you know nice and you know do you thing and get the fuck out or hang out You know 12 30's not bad time to go on sometimes you can want it like to for auditions

Yeah, you'll go on you're gonna go on after I Mean it's a Friday night. So every that's why they do it because everybody's a heavy hitter pretty much Everybody's gonna be killing it So it's not like you know you're gonna catch a lucky a lucky fucking hand So you know you'll be fine, dude. You'll be fine. You'll be good But I'll be in a monitil fucking. We'll see what happens if you if she's not there halfway through your set If there's no silhouette in the doorway You're done

That's always the best when someone's auditioning here, and I just see SD not there, and I'm just like, oh, boy, dude. And then they come off, I think it went well. No, not really. The person that you want here left. But you'll be fine, dude. All right, well listen, let's wrap this up. You got a wife that loves you.

You have a family that cares about you and a big audition tomorrow. You have a chick that loves your cock Scopo Two chicks Scopo has an ass he has to get bigger. He has a fat ass. Yeah, no, he does He's one of those asses that you can't look at can't make I got a I got a congratulate scopo He did the he really buck of those asses that you can't look at. He can't not. I gotta congratulate Scopo, he really buckled down and did this fucking video. We're gonna put this video up,

this will be the first video because Scopo didn't fuck it up on iTunes. Yeah. No. I mean, not on iTunes on YouTube. Yeah. So Kelly, get this video. You can see Kelly got tired from her drunk.

She was drunk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got up at 5 a.m. This morning She got really fucking tired cuz I I get cuz I got up at 5 a.m. This morning for work and I have a nap and I have to get up at 5 a.m. Oh my god All right, let's get out of Kelly has to work and Kelly will you please send her a picture your cock? Absolutely. Oh, yeah, that'll be great. Thanks buddy. Will you send her a picture? No, you can't you remember will you send her a picture your cock? Would you like't you're better. Will you send her a picture your clock? Kurt would you like will you please? Oh, Mary would you like?

Oh, you said me when he was a baby. I don't realize Kelly is very fucking nosy. Why? Because I mean Pete. Where do they look at that shit? What are you guys talking about over there? You are a couple of times I got a phone call the other day. I hung up and she oh who was that? Who is that? No, you are no see my fucking dad. So what do you mean so Kelly wants to be? So I want to be a leader. So, I want to be included. Why you have to go over there and men leave me out? Because we don't want to fucking talk to you.

Yeah, exactly. So don't do that around me. Go outside. We were right here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we're all broken, fucking here. No, I hate it when people keep secrets. It's like I'm in the same room with someone and they're like,

well, I'm like, what's going on? Talk to me. Do you know what a secret is they don't want you to know Very considerate and rude I don't like being left out always yeah, cuz you're nosy Good luck I hope you have the follow fucking David tell Yeah, put this in your mask. I can get used to what it feels like Why you making fun of him at least he's on gonna be on stage here. I'm so sorry Kelly's tired What the fuck scope oh what no she's making fun of him. I'm like he's gonna be on fucking stage here It's more than you

Where's the roses pop it when you need them dude new me to look at me. It was so good I'm so good. I can't wait. I'm gonna wash you when I go awesome All right guys, thank you Kurt for coming on on You're always the fucking shit on the shit. I really love you What you're a Twitter? Where can people follow you? And when is your what do you? Mads go one word on Twitter? Yeah Why precious is coming out pretty soon put the edit a And then I got a punk gas gold race wars with Sharad love that yeah great That's it in the insolent any Schumer that's all I have going on that's a lot is it?

do fuck you is that? what do you got buddy? uh... we should meet David's in on Twitter and you could see me on Adam Devine's house party on Comedy Central December 5th and uh... what are you nervous about? you fucking passed Adam Devineowsporty and I'm shooting at the house right this week. Nice guys, awesome. Awesome. So that's that's really great by what do you got?

Uh John Moses on Twitter I'm gonna be at the grizzly pair. It's a like a we're running gig it's kind of like Vegas I'll be there until March. I got a I got a Kickstarter that I'm working on it's not not a kickstarter. It's an Indie Go Go, but it's the same thing. I'm trying to raise some money to shoot some sketches and some songs. The first song is about the word Fag. Yeah. And we're trying we're we're going to change the song. No, no, no, no, no, no guitar. What are you gonna do? Me and the puppet are gonna sing about the word faggin if we change it to the way that black guy spelled fat back in the 90s Then no one's gonna get offended and we can still call husband's fags for like fag with a pH is that where that's exactly what's going That's where it's going. Well, there you go. Kick start. We have a puppet too. What's up with all these new puppets? No, I don't you said what Joe wants to trash line fell

But he's got to get a puppet to do it right and it makes it work. I think it'd be funny if Joe did it Yeah, he just let him rant back and forth. Well watch the puppet is pretty funny. Okay. Does it look like Joe? I Fuck I should probably look like I'm probably looking like Sunfeld but Kelly what do you got? I'm just on my Twitter and my website califistuega.com. Thank you.

Hey man. Kelly you tired. I'm with Dunn. Let's go. Let's go. What you got, pub? Just Twitter, Chris Scopo. At Chris Scopo. That's it. That's all you got? Well, I'm at LOL. That's about the only club I'm in.

What's good? It's actually not that bad. I love that room. I love that room. That's a good room. Scopo is working it out. Scopo's the man. I've known Scopo since I was 16.

Great. That was last week. Last week? That was last week. Four years. That would kill me a little. I remember when Pete was like shy and he's afraid to talk to girls

And now he's fucking on TV. He's killing it now Shy and he's on TV and he doesn't have to talk to girls. Yeah, they just stop I'm sorry to eat him pictures of his what the fuck? They all come to him. It's pretty awesome. He's 12 year old girl. Sydney watching the camera shake from the next last 10 minutes. I'm like what is it? It's his nervous knee, because he's pizza more famous than him. He's been more famous than me since I started comedy. I mean, you know Keith Robinson feels like. Oh, God dammit, another one.

I'm furious. Yeah, by the way. Stupid. I mean, I would tell you my, well, my days, but he doesn't have them up. So, I'll let you in, drop, Tows. Ah, fuck it. Just go so Roppershim. I like to drop towels. Man, fuck it. Just go to Robert Kelly. If you get it, I'm not doing it. Robert Kelly live. This is good. I'm glad you guys Listen to me last week

I may actually not last week two hours ago when I said you should have my shit up at the end Nobody listen when is it gonna come out? So you I don't know which Just go to Robert Kelly live comm for all my tour dates. I am coming All over your faces Get my app robbercowley live app on iTunes. It's an award-winning app and it's free It shows it tells you where I'm gonna be the podcast is on it. It's pretty funny and has some other bullshit So make sure you get that come to my live shows check it out I'm gonna be all over the fucking place Arlington Virginia Tampa you fuck

I'm gonna show them your app I was showing them your app on the fucking screen oh there you go oh we okay all right John going to take a dick out Okay Take someone take a dick out What happened what happened? The show now get recorded again. No, I was reading this off of this He brought it up and then I totally transitioned into reading off it Then he closed it mid it really was gonna show him your at I don't want to fucking see my at who's them? I'm gonna go like this fuck them. They're not gonna get they don't want to fucking see my yeah, who's them? I think like this fuck them They're not gonna get they don't care about me like a rear camera fuck them

Patrick no Petchy's like oh I'm He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's out the fucking details. Fucking every... Now this is two weeks fucking cancel phone calls. Yeah. Just to talk. It's forever to get this shit. Yeah, fuck. I want to get it over with. I know. It took me two years to get this shit.

You're fucking killing it. It's supposed with the word special is in the fucking name. Yeah. Can we make it special? Can somebody get on the fucking phone and just do what the fuck you say you're gonna do? You know, I'm waiting by the phone. I have her come over. They cancel and then the next day they get the fucking New wave. Oh, well, you know, it's like you know, let's fucking get on the fucking phone our internet's out. Are you cell phones out? Really the internet's out. I don't know anyways. I got a fucking I'm I got a lot of pressure I'm like I just want to get it done. I just want to shoot it But I don't want it to be fucking cheesy is that bad?

Yeah, no and also if it's getting pushed all good I mean got delayed delayed. It's way better for you thing anyway, you know No, it's not because I'm, now my whole hour is fucked because I'm doing all this other stuff and it's like, you're a new better shit. Yeah, but it's fucked because this, it's all mixed up shit.

I had my hour ready to go. Let's just push the button, hit record, and say goodbye. Then the kid gets a blue dick and it's, start from scratch. Let's end the show with the bandana on his weird bandana. Should be. I want you to wear it.

John, this is not an industry showcase. I want you to wear it on your leg like Chachi. Yeah. You're gonna wear it around my arm, baby. You guys are awesome. Thanks for coming in, dude. Thanks for being on the show for the first time. Thank you for having me.

Do you have a good time? Yeah, the great time. Thanks for coming back. You fucking cock sucker. I'll see you tomorrow night, all right? Absolutely. And Sc. Yeah, thank you, you have a good time. Yeah, the great time. Thanks for coming back. You fucking cock sucker. I'll see you tomorrow night, all right? Absolutely. And Scopo, thank you so much. You did a great job on the video tonight.

Finally, you did a fantastic job and Kelly, you're awesome, Kurt. And all the listeners out there, you're fantastic. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Thank you. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.

Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all of the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free. Shark. Shark.

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