Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - QuesadilLa

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

This week on YKWD: We have Sean Donnelly, Andy Curtains, Tim Dillon, and Tim Gage! Andy lays it down about Stand Up in China, and we yell at Tim for not having cable! Watch/Listen and enjoy!    RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yor listening to Robert Kelly's? ¿Y no lo sé? En la RiotCast Network. RiotCast.com.

Go to my tour date. The true story tour is up, start in September, end of January. We're going all over the place. Me and Stavros, as we go, we're picking up people along the way. Local comics. You see me coming to the town.

You want to jump on the gig? Let me know, email me at Ykwd orryacast.com. Maybe we'll throw you up for 5, 10, whatever, man. So it's going to be a blast. I need you to go, check out where I'm going to be. If I'm in your area, buy your tickets now, spread the word, get your friends, family, even chicks you used to bang,

and get those seats filled up. Number two, thank you for joining the premium members of the YKWD podcast. You guys are amazing. Premium content is there now. We're getting the creeps with kids is going behind the paywall. Also one-on-ones, a bunch of stuff me and StarVars are going to do on a tour. So the people who are paying the premium content for the YKWD, you will be getting stuff

very shortly that nobody else gets. So thank you very much. If you wanna become a premium member, download the app for Android or iPhone. Join up, it's $199 a month. You don't even know it hurts. It just comes right the fuck out. And you'll be getting premium content.

You'll be helping the show out, supporting the show for $1.00 less than $2.00. That's less than a baby cup of coffee at a shitty diner. So thanks again, you guys are the best. You know what the... 199 did enjoy the show. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a costifying.

It's my guess, no rules. I'm gonna go to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a cost-defying. It's my guess, you know rules. Look at the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I... Grab can I get a microphone? No! What the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic-head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and yapping.

Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's sad and no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Way both sides of the coin The day my podcast is popular I might affect something's life. You never know We're going out of the gas. We're here. Five different shoes out of the right cast studio. We alive to tape video, YouTube,

riotcast.com, and we have a live little audience in here tonight. We, I've never been stared up by a fucking three fucking morbid humps. I mean, uh, I'm fucking belittled. Yeah, head didn't even bounce during the music. What kind of humans are you? I was looking at you thinking the same thing. I was having a fun time. You did first of all, looking at you is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

That's what I'm shooting for. You it you fucking I don't know what is you get scared as it's white I know it doesn't make sense but it's your thing that's what you got to have a thing it's your it's it because it's your thing because well I tried the accent that didn't pan out sorry I had to shoot for something a little different this is kind kind of happened. I've been trying to joke too, and those didn't pan out, though. Well, you know, I can't have it all. Liz, let's go around the room. First of all, fucking Scopo invites me to sit in and watch me tonight.

It's the most fucking look at him. Look at him. I don't even know what it's like. That's insane. It's insane. It's insane. It's absolutely insane. I don't even fight thought he was you on the street I was gonna start talking to him. I asked him what time the show started. I was like dude what time did you just toast? Show star we know we got it Tim. Okay. You didn't have to act out the rest of the scene In Gover, so I tried it a different way. Yeah, no, we know how that works too okay you don't have to act out the rest of the scene i know you want me to do not ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Let's go around the room starting with our friend from China, but Australia, comedian, what do we got? Andy Curtin. Very funny comment.

Andy, and you're in China, or you're in Australia, where are you at? Well, I'm from Australia, originally, but I moved to China about seven years ago. Shit. And I've got a comedy club in Shanghai, and we do comedy all over Asia and around China. That's crazy. Now you had to learn the language. Wow, most people don't. But actually, I do stand up in Mandarin as well. It's fucking crazy, just. So you gotta...

So you bomb in two languages. It's amazing, yeah. Now let me ask you a question. Do you do better in front of... Do you do better in front of an American crowd or English-speaking crowd? Or do you, you know, are you better in front of an American crowd or English-Beating crowd, or are you better in front of a Mandarin crowd, like a Chinese crowd?

I would say this, the best shows and the worst shows I've ever had were in Mandarin. They're shit. Because a lot of the time, like a large portion of the room, has never even heard of anything remotely like standout. And sometimes you go in there and you're killing and they're like, oh my god, I've never heard anything like this.

I've never laughed. Look, I've never what is this? What is this feeling of joy? Is this illegal? Is this illegal? A wedding to get shot? They're gonna kill us after this. Right. And then I might get into trouble for saying that, but that's fine. Really? Yeah. And then afterwards, then you have some crowds that that's fun. Really? Yeah, and and then afterwards Well, then you have some crowds who he's dead. We read about it too much There's a red dot on my head now But some crowds they don't get it at all. Hey, just offer a second. Yeah, because

Because you're in China. Yeah, and you must ask you remind me I wanted the villain in the Kung Fu movies with a white You know what I mean with wait which one long white must that long I'm growing it out the raiding hat from Mortal Kombat. Yeah, I'm working. I'm working on my Finish what you know wow, but just some crowds that you know you start hitting them with jokes And they just they're like why does this guy keep pausing at the end of his sentences? You know, it's just that kind of thing. Yeah, so, but it's the best and worst.

But Americans are pretty much stable or English-speaking crowds are. I mean, it's great doing comedy in New York, but you do feel like people have seen a lot of comedy and the standard is high. Here. Yeah, yeah. People stand in this high. Whereas, like, I mean, you probably, you go in the road, you guys somewhere remote, the standard is easy to just knock it out of the pocket sometime. Um, yeah, I think, yeah, I would say so. You could, you could just fucking,

could go either way. It could go either way, because if a comedy crowd isn't trained for standup, they get very unruly. They think it's like some type of rodeo type shit and, you know, they talk back and, you know, you say something and they go, that's right, that's true they think it's like some type of rodeo type shit and you know, they talk back and you know, you say something and they go, that's rap, that's true. And it's like, well listen, I don't need, I know, I kinda, I don't need your backup, you fucking twon. Right.

But yeah, it can be. There's less of it like people getting drunk and messing, oh that's the fun. Yeah, because you'll get fucking killed, right, and Jenna? Well, no, they just, people are less likely to go out and get fucked up in a shot But I'm drinking they're not drinking fucking like booze with a cobra head in it. Would they have that? I know that's why seven. Can you say?

Can you say whatever you want on stage? No, you're not that's interesting think about that Bobby You can't say whatever you want how would you cannot if you do I know I can but then you'll get a hang on one second I know how to have a conversation. I know you say something that I think about it was like that and then I say something back That's the truth. I thought it was like a profound. I just get out of rehab I'm out of fucking talk them don't think about that body. Don't just say things Think about it. I apologize. His words have meaning His words have meaning There he is Jesus Christ. This is a fucking

Look at fuck. It's your fuck now. It's your body. Let me put me in the corner at least I'm drinking a milk. It's amazing. I'm drinking a milk Sean because you you're the worst you have the worst diet you drink milk in potatoes Every fucking time I see you I do you have the diet from somebody from 1970 It's a retro diet I'm gonna sit next to him when I start fighting after it was freaking I was just Smell it This is in China for you. I know I'm kidding

Well, you know I I haven a drink soda in a week. Let's go around the room real quick. All right, Andrew Duce. Sean Donnelly, everybody. Sean Donnelly, the worst. Yay! I love that you want a fucking prize for not drinking soda. How about your life?

We got Andy Curtin. Of course, we've already met. We talked to, and who else? The great Tim Dylan. Great to be back. What do you mean the great? Yeah, why is he great? Why is he great?

Why is he great? Why is he great? Let's go, Paul. Let's go, Paul. And we got a thbon. We live in a story together. Yeah. I love you.

I love you just trying to fucking get on his podcast. Yeah. We got it. We got some good numbers coming. Yeah. We'll talk about it later. Let's not get carried away. I got some good numbers coming in. We'll talk about it later. Let's not get carried away. I know you're numbers.

Listen. And of course, very funny comic. Tim Gage. Oh, let's not get carried away. On nights. Some certain situations. In Ron Concombo. Tim is here.

Ron Concombo. What is it? Beach Boy song? Oh, Jesus. There you gocoma. Ron Concoma. What is it? A Beach Boy song? Oh, Jesus. There you go. Right out of the back. That wasn't that bad. Cocomole, come on. That wasn't that bad.

Not everybody does that joke out there. We got my video guy. Video. I was trying to help. Video God, Deepo's here producing everything. Hey, what's going on, everybody? We got Scopo who fucking thoroughly, we having a bad day today. You're on my fucking nerves dude.

You know what I'm gonna tell you what it is. I'll tell you, no. Last three weeks, last three weeks have been great, but now he's the fucking, it's the little things that set me the fuck off. You get mad because you look like one of those pictures you pick your hair cut from at the barber shop. That's the one you don't get. No, he doesn't get that. Why did I come up here? You get mad because you look like one of those pictures you you pick your hair cut from at the barber shop

That's the one you don't get no I Come up here, but I'm gonna get nothing really ruined my podcast I know it's it's the fucking it's cuz Lawrence not here and the stuff that she does the pick up that you don't do Well, I had to do a lot of things today. I do. Please don't tell me there's no way you have to do more stuff than me. Ever. On the fucking face of this earth ever. Have you done more than me?

I think what did you do? Okay, go tell me what you did. I had to work this morning. Okay, you worked. Can I get your shirt? Okay. Then I had to do the stuff of the podcast. What's the stuff?

Coffee's. Yeah. And everything in order. Yeah. Where are your coffees? Not tonight everything in order. Yeah, wait coffees Not tonight I couldn't afford it Where's my card? I actually have your card. I forgot about that. See that see how he gets out of that I couldn't afford it. I forgot it. Goldam X doesn't afford it

I forgot I had a platinum. I'm fucking platinum. I'm glad because I forgot have your card I don't want you to call me. Yeah, you got to come up to Westchester. Go to accent. I have your receiver as well. So why is he annoying you though? He didn't explain. He didn't leave Waters out, which is the thing. No, no, it's not a thing.

It's the fucking, you're supposed to clean the studio after the podcast and have this next show ready to go because putting Waters out all that shit takes around fucking 10 minutes the way he does it. So everything, as soon as you're done, cleaned, everything ready to go for the next show. So at nine o'clock, we just fucking go. Right, yeah.

All right. Well, you fucking sticking up for him for. He sticks up for me once in a while, so I thought I'd do the favor. What do you guys unionize? Yeah, this is. If unionize, then let's go. I got my got my movie camera coming. It's a fucking one stat It's a one camera does nine shots really yeah, boom

Lauren fucker Let's you close me Just do what it's gonna be probably what is goblos. Yeah, I was saying. What do you mean it does nine shots at once? gonna be Robert Kelis. What is Copa bloke? Yeah, I was gonna say that. What do you mean it does nine shots at once? I'm just forgetting. I'm not getting it.

Oh, you still needing Indian guy. Oh, fuck it. You can't work around with it. I am. All right, so, let's introduce the fucking... All right, we have a fucking evolution of me. We have Rob, everybody. Hey Rob, where are you from, Rob?

I'm Austin. Actually, you're... There we go. We're gonna bring the mic. This should have been done at the beginning. but he has so much stuff to do. So much stuff. Hi Rob. Hey, how you doing?

Good buddy. Good. Well, you're very okay. I have no idea what I'm doing. Good chat. Where you from? Medford, actually. From my town.

Yeah. What part of Medford? West Medford. I'm from West Med my town. Yeah. What part of Medford? West Medford. I'm from West Medford. I know. What part of Wood Street? Presscott Street. And Canal Street too.

No shit. Oh, I like that. I know, you know, like when you told that old story about Dickey Sool, like I see him every once a month, I see him. Dickey Sool's a fucking dude. Yeah, yeah. One of the toughest kids ever met. Really?

I do. You don't fuck with Dickey Sool. I remember he sounds tough. When I was a kid, I remember he fucking, for some reason I pissed him off and he just punched me in the face. I remember I just fell face first in the snow in a field. And I just got up and I was like, what the fuck? And he was like, he was like, I'm sorry. And I was like, what the fuck?

And he goes, I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, well, he did say, he said, like, you got mad at me for not accepting his apology. It's okay. It is. It is. Like, you got mad at me for not accepting his apology. So you just fucking punch me in the face? You grew up in the department basically, is that what happened? I grew up not, and that's what bugs me, is that. It's salty, gets all the crippled.

Fucking meffa was fucked up too, yeah. There's a lot of stuff. That's a lot of stuff. We're about the fighter, where that's based. That's what he fucking did. Dickie Sule had my first real alcoholics. my alcoholism started with dicky. Yeah, yeah, that whole that whole fucking story. I was at my house My mother had left my abusive father. We fought we moved in alone She met my stepfather who's still there today who's the nicest guy ever, but it was just too late

I met I went to the party next door this chicks and I pretended I was shit face because I didn't go as much today who's the nicest guy ever, but it was just too late. I went to the party next door, this chick said, I pretended I was shit face because I couldn't go as myself. The next day I'm sitting with this guy, the new father, the new guy that my mother met, and he's teaching me how to make chicken soup. Like, literally finally the father I've always wanted. I was amazed that a man was treating me nice, and he was like, you do this? Come here. We'll make a soup together. That's a real father son activity chicken soup.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. That's pretty gay to me. It's better to get punched down a slightest there. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I said I was sorry. Sorry, man. I didn't. Sorry, I got fucking hit. I got hit in the head. I called the fucking idiot. All right, that's not, I'm sorry I got fucking hit. I got hit in the head. I got hit in the head. I called the fucking idiot.

All right, that's not what I meant, relax. But he was making the soup, and I was like, this is great. And then my doorbell rang, it was Dickey's soul in Scott Kelly. And they were like, you want to come hang out. And my father was like, bring him in and give him a soup. Give us all soup. We ate so much soup, and then we went.

And I went with them, and we downed a bottle of whiskey on the tracks. Yeah, on the tracks up by the bridge. And then we puk I went with them and we downed a bottle of whiskey on the tracks. Yeah on the tracks up by the bridge. Yep and then we puked up fucking chicken soup for the next half hour. Jesus Christ. Yeah that was my first. That's when I, those guys are the ones who started me drugs alcohol. What's sticky up to now?

Yeah, yeah, can we get it? He's good now. By the tracks. And the microphones. Oh sorry, yeah. I'm not sure what he does. I see him like at a family holidays because my uncle married one of his sisters. Yeah, he's got a big family.

Huge family. Huge family. Five sisters, four brothers. You know, he got a big family. Huge family. Five sisters, four brothers. Five sisters, four brothers in this house. And I remember, you do, you just keep going up. Right. Like there was the basement, then you go up and then up and then in the attic. It was like a crawl space with just a brother in the bed.

They still live there. Like my cousins that are my age already have their grandkids and they drop them off at that house. Like there's generations of the house. I remember his brothers though. but there was like tough dude. They just got tougher. As they got older like you'd be one and he had like just red hair and he'd fucking kill you.

No shirt. So he still lives in the town and you see him walking around and stuff? Yeah. I don't see him walking around ever. I see them at like birthday parties and stuff like like The kids like three-year-old birthday party I remember Dickey my first girlfriend ever tawny quint Who I loved this black Milato chick who moved to town And I remember Dickey and Scott pulled me a sideway to Fort over my dickies

And he goes we got to talk to you. I'm like what's up? And he goes I fuck tawny tawny What is my girlfriend? Yeah, I just want towny, tawny. And I'm like, what? There's my girlfriend. Yeah, I just want to let you know, because you're my friend. And that's the part of your mind. Nice of him. But I was like, thanks, dude. You know, she's a slut, man.

She's a boy. You don't want to be with her. I go, where'd you fuck her? In front of the rectory. In those bushes, I go, my grandmother works there. That's where the priest lives. He fucked my girl. She's a rascal. And, I go, my grandmother works there. That's where the priest lives. He fucked my girl. She's a rascal.

And the bushes were my grandmother works where the priest lives. I mean, if anybody's going to hell. Now, I remember I went, I remember I went to break up with, we went all together as a group to break up with Tanya, whatever name was. And I remember, I pushed out,

because I really liked her. And I climbed a tree. And I remember I I pushed out because I really liked there and I I climbed a tree And I remember I opened the she opened the door. I took the necklace I gave her off her neck that I stole from my sister's fucking My sister for a text I gave it to Tony I took it off her neck and I climbed a tree and I had carved our nannisials in it And I started carving our initials out of it. Yeah, he was the first time I fucked, Dickie Soule.

First time I ever stuck my dick in something. He was filming? Why don't we get Dickie in the pocket? Yeah, yeah. He was filming? Yeah, right. I was in 1985. What was he doing?

I guess. I was just trying to be interesting. He was riding it down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, he was Dickie and I was with her and Dickie and Scott were in the bushes and they were like, they were kind of, you know, making dude move your body.

You had to move your body. Move your body. Yeah, I was coaching your body. I like, Tom. You're body didn't move? Well, I didn't know what I was doing. Okay. I'm sorry, I wasn't a fucking porn star.

I was just, I think I was 13. I'm sorry. I wasn't a fucking porn star I was 13 tried to not a fuck it. Tonya in the bushes with two your friends watching. Yeah Lady I have to say yeah, she wanted to fucking everybody How do you imagine giving everything I know about it so far what she up to today? I have no I still fucking everybody still fucking everybody. Well, you never know. She could have changed. I changed Did you change his awesome now you know like he's not he doesn't doing that stuff now I just a family man now. I was always a fuck girl. Well here. He was never that guy anyways He I was a I was fucked up. I had that alcoholic That addictive thing he He never had that.

Dickey could always be like, yeah, I'm not doing that. And just not do it. And I'd be like, how do you do that? He was a fucking great guy. I like Dickey and Scott. Scott's doing great too. Two friends. They made it out. I didn't. Not everybody. No, I had to go through. Read it. Not a lot of guys fucking. And now who do we, a saving for last, past the microphone to your son. This is a cow. Cow, what's up? What's going on?

Thanks for having us. Whoa. What did the Tim Dylan voice? He sounds like David and me. Something like Harvey Firestein. Sounds like somebody in Nortonwood Day. Yeah. Yeah.

What, what did you do to your voice? Did you fucking swallow fire and eat tobacco? Is that your voice? That's my voice. What do you do to your sing? What do you do with that? I book everything your mother's warned you about. I work at the club, laugh it up and bekepsi and I also work for the chance of booking

all their death metal bullshit. Did I meet you? Yes, we worked, yeah. We worked at the loft. Yes, great club. I love the loft. Well, we're bringing you in on September 10th. It's gonna be a better show, better room.

You're gonna like it. I, you know, Bikipsi is such a fucking, it's one of those towns that used to be the shit, fell the fuck out, but now art and music is bringing it back. Right. It's oxy cotton and music. Well, it's a little scary. Yeah, no it is.

It's all people. I tell you, this fucking theater that they had there would have fucking been ripped down and made into some horse shit dentist officer, some, but they're keeping it alive with fucking comedy and art and music. That's great. I mean, yeah, you don't want to be walking around at night. Right. I told you, I'm a big fly fisherman.

I did Pekipsi, I brought my fly gear up because I thought it was upstate. I went and found a river. And I'm in all my waders, my hat, and my raw. All of a sudden I look and there's a sewer drain. Right. I just sit and I'll fuck it everybody shit. And I'm not even kidding, an old guy jumped out of the bushes and said, hey, I'm crazy.

And he was catching fish with worms on a string like he hosted the show. That's crazy. He's an amazing host. Who else we got? This is Dan. Dan, I own laughing up comedy club where you'll be on September 10th. So I, in the future, in my alternate universe, I own a up comedy club where you'll be on September 10th so I in the future in my alternate universe Yes, I own a comedy club

Where did you time machine? Fuck me. They think you're there every week. I just wave at people and say hi. I'm Bobby. Are you gonna be there when I'm there? Yes, I won't be no, we can't do that to people. I won't be on stage. I will be there though. Jesus Christ Dude, what the fuck then did you do stand up at all? Yeah. All right. Yeah. I think I worked with you somewhere up there. Okay. Definitely. All right. See? Scope was up last week. There you go. I think I'm coming up there in November. Yes you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. How how how was it? That's fun. It was a good time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Great.

So are you from Bikipsi? Yeah. Pleasant Valley right outside of Bikipsi. Pleasant Valley, great. Now the other club that used to be up there, what was the other club, the old club? In the hotel. In the hotel. Yep. Is that where it is?

No. Your club is a club club? Yeah, we're at the train station in Bikipsi. So you hit the Bikipsi stop. And you're there. Yeah, it's at my honies. That's convenient. So I can literally take the train up.

That's it. Yeah, it's your job right outside. Yeah. Legit I can literally take the train up. That's it Yeah, it drops you off right outside. Yeah legit right outside because the other club was shit hall Yeah, and it was the crowds were fucking garbage. Yeah, and there was a lady who ran it Who she was cool? Yeah, she was all right Now you didn't like her. Yeah, well, you know once the place flooded and they didn't rip out the walls and It smelled like an old gym in there for two years Well, you know what it was it was they'd always you know pump up that we can have free buffet And you go up there. It's like some it's an Indian food buffet. No, there was no fence

But you know curry's not something you should have fucking right nine plates of that. It shouldn't be slugims on a buffet Right before you go. Yeah, right? Yeah, that's gonna go well like drinking milk and The drinking milk in this Where are you from we got amazing food for you to come up early? I'm okay, I am really good food. I just heard I believe the owner I believe the other day what is it called? Case in the US case in the US what is a case of Dill is that some fucking Italian? Is that something you try is that your Sufi? No, he just no no case of Dill is he was doing a bit

Hey guys you guys want to bar my case of Dill a shirts after the show Two for one. I'm sorry. No, I just call you say what you say what you say who do you go up? Who you up to with Lewis? How was it? It was fun. Good. There was a lot of fun What's he gonna say the guys right here? How did you and Lewis do I didn't know the club had you and Lewis do good? Yeah, it was great People's been I mean not people scope was been doing fucking great. Yeah, we go We go we go on the road together. We're really good 30 people in the Davis 35 people 35 people the seats We're coming up a place though. That's a great place That's in some of them right? Yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and who books that

Andrew who who was that guy forget the guy I forget the guy I'll get you the name Good I got The name 35 people I don't need to I'm good, I got it. I'll get you the name, Bob. I don't need the name. 35 people. I don't need the name. Hey, where's your name?

I'll help you out. I can't work the club. I'm working the other club. All right, I'll vouch. I am. This show is gonna fucking bite a dick. I tell you right now. Listen, this is fucked up.

I don't know what happened with this. Everything's fucked up. I just got an addition. I got two auditions tomorrow. I gotta wake up, do a photo shoot at six, then another one at eight, and then I got to do an audition at noon, and then another one at five, and then I got to go take my wife out, be home by seven to take my wife out for dinner by seven thirty. What's the photo shoot for? For my tour. Okay. That we're doing. Two photo shoots? Well, we got two shots that I want.

One's in a bathroom at Syria, satellite, the other ones at Washington Square Park. So there's two shots that I want to get. And you know, Mindy Tucker, who is... Great photo. The fucking best. I mean, I've never, every head shot I've ever gotten, I've not liked.

Right. I liked enough to go, yeah, that's it. I like her photos of me, because they look nothing like me. Nothing like me. Nothing like me. I look so thin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In total different.

She uses different people, that's why. She uses her lighting as people. Like, what kind of lighting does she use? Different people. She has pod people, that's you. Yeah, she does. It's like some program that creates a home of the person. Buddy, I can't tell you how.

She takes a photo of me and I'm like, what the fuck? She photographs drug addicts. They look like the healthiest people alive. She'll photograph people that I saw vomiting blood. The night when they got the photo and they look great, they have like life in their eyes. I'm like, this is insane. I know these people, these aren't them.

This is not them. Buddy, the last one she took, it's like she, did you swing down from a tree and snap it? Yeah. At a certain time, I look a hundred pounds lighter. Right. And I look happy. Yeah.

So she's taking it, the first one is a serious satellite, real quick, and then we'll come down here to do another one. It's just two images. I had in my head So are you going to dinner you do some nice? Oh Jesus don't tell him he'll fucking I'm gonna rip it apart Now I'm kidding. Okay, what do you mean? I'll fucking tell you here's a deal. I probably don't know where it is With me right large monster hang on, right? It's a large month. Hang on.

Okay, that's not a large month. I don't know. It's part of a fucking place in Westchester. I don't know. I'm fucking Mexican. Staying a white chick. What are you looking at? A large month.

I'm taking a route to this, I'm taking it to BLTs. It's nice. BLT, of course. BLT is right down the fucking middle. Right down the middle. Yeah, but here's the fucking deal. I, you know, with my wife, I get whatever the fuck I want. I just buy it. I get it. I buy it. There you go.

With her, it's like, what do you want? Let me just get you something. Let me just fucking buy. I don't want anything. Just, you know, let me buy it. I don't want anything. It's just, let me fucking get you something. Right. Stop with this. I don't want anything.

Everybody wants fucking something. Right. Something. Nobody just, nobody's that content in life. They don't want anything. I have everything I want. Go fuck your fucking fairy tale, Mary Poppins. What do you want, Goldie?

I'll get you whatever you want. Wait, is your anniversary? No, it's a birthday. It's a birthday. I was a birthday I was my anniversary on Friday this Friday five year anniversary five years. So what are you getting there? I already gone. I got a computer What I got a computer I'm a laptop computer. What is that? Five years silver six. It's a silver silver wrap silver wrap Type stadium Silver wrap silver wrap Titanium Yeah, what kind of computer Apple Apple what kind the the the whatever the air

Butter brand new Mac air. Yeah, so it's it's got to be around 1500 bucks. No, it's less than that About 800 8 is it 8? How do you know that 800 right? No, it's like 900? 800 bucks I think that's a big one. I know what things cost. I know apparently I get in the vibe by getting, I get the little one of your fucking shwintra. When I steal something and resell it, Tim, yeah, he talks like a pawn broker.

Anyway, I get you one. Yeah, I get you $600. I get you $500 for it. You, you, I know, I get a perfect role for you. Yeah, it would be great. It really would be. Yeah, you do a show where you play a pawn. I could have been on pawnstars. You could have been one of those pieces. You could be, you. Yeah, it would be great. It would be great. It would be. You do a show where you play a point. I could have been on point stars.

You could have been one of those pieces. You could be, you actually look like all of them together. You could be, you actually look like all of them together. You could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be, you could be That's where some old ladies like I can't see Doesn't that show? Fondiculous Here's what aggravates me about that show is that these fucking dummies these knuckleheads The guy goes the little guy goes in auction it bring around $50,000 you know blah blah and then as soon as they live how much do you want? Well, how about 50,000 and they go I, I can't, I got a fuck and put it on the shelf. I got to pay a stocking fee.

And they get rattles off fucking four dollars worth of shit. And he adds it up to like, you know, 10,000. I'll give you, I'll give you five dollars. Right. But he just said 50,000. Look, and they push these fucks. And they fuck with them. I would want, if someone ever sent me 50,000 dollars, I'm out and I'm going to an auction and I'm getting the guy that just told me I'm gonna tap the guy

Who just with the dumb hat that just told me was 50. I'm gonna go talk to him right? They also they also bring I will never that's that guys are weird. He looks like an homage person, right? That guy about he's a historian the historian He never always said nobody knows. He never problem they bring in all these historians where they're credentials, you know he works in the museum like the local museum Great You know Local museum Local museum he comes in he's like, ah, this is a little self-rate hundred dollars. Sorry. Yeah, they're in coo's

What do you want you to come in and tell me? Yeah, I know a lot of shit Yeah, they're in coo's. What do you want you to come in and tell them? Yeah, I know a lot of shit. I have more credentials. I have more. Nobody. Here's my problem. Your fucking Harrison's bringing in the expert.

He stands to gain if the expert tells you the things that piece of shit. But that alms guy, he won't tell the money ever. He will never give them the idea. He'll be like, well, listen, you might just want to. This thing's not going to really give him an idea. Yeah, he's like, what are you going to do with this? He's like, this isn't. He's like, you see that little scratch? Yeah. If it didn't have that scratch, you know, he gives him an idea. Yeah, he's gonna like, what are you gonna do with this? He's like, this isn't, he's like,

you see that little scratch? Yeah. If it didn't have that scratch, you might be able to do something with it, but just, you know. Worst part of that show is when they try to do like the sketches, like the banter, like the, like they have like a running plot

throughout the show. Yeah, between Shumley and the old man. Oh, it's brutal. Yeah, when Shumley's late for work, but he's really playing video game, right? And then they go and they go to the window and they peek through the window that's open. Right, yeah.

The old man would have his windows open during the day. He's joking off the kitty porn. This is shit. The old man's got a great face to it, like a very leathery old. Oh, yeah. The old guy has, he was like, he's like William Stevenson, but white and he was in the porn business in Vegas when it was cool when you were like,

when your mom was trying to kill you, you get rid of your car. Yeah, but they're gonna fuck it and throw him back and pawn him on Ramda. Yeah, as soon as he kicks the bucket to get the fucking, just stand him up, oh, front. They do tours. They doing live shows, that show, those guys from that show. Well, it's like the antique road show.

Right, that's what it is. You love that because. I don't love it. I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm guessing what this one could show us. I know, I'm fucking you watch soccer and kung fu movies. We have other channels here. I'm sure it's a good show. Well, gee, the porn broker show sounds so much more interesting than kung fu and soccer. Is sarcasm your thing? I'm trying to be interested. No, you're fine. Listen, do you even know what we're talking about?

I can't have following the army. Listen to this guy. No, no, no, I'll go. You sell things. There was a price for stuff. He lives in a fucking other country. We're literally just rambling for 10 minutes. Not going to.

And we are just assumed. And you're like, he lives in this guy's problem. Listen to him, excuse. He lives fucking here. I'm in the cable, I haven't had cable in seven years. Why? Because it's a waste of time you're watching. You're watching porn.

Okay, so in seven years, what have you accomplished? Nothing, I still have no act. I'm glad it's working out. How about this, get TV back. So maybe you won't be so conty. How's that? Fucking, you know, I mean, I know the concept of antique show, but it doesn't. You really fucked that. You have no cable. No cable. What do you do at night? I read a book and go to Netflix or something. I do have that now. He does that. He does you have Netflix now. I got the internet. I. He does, he has Netflix now. Yeah, we have the internet.

I got the internet, my son, you know, but I was like, so you read books and that's it. Well, I don't know, we read books, you know, go on a computer, read the news on that, you know, and all that. So you read news? Yeah. So, and you have a,

well, I got to watch these more runs they have on there now. No! I mean, the women, the Freakum weather ladies look like they're going to blow somebody when they get off the and great dress reason for that

so i mean that's ten that's fucking crazy to me and it's not a bad thing but i just i don't know what i would do if i get crazy i mean that would be home with your thoughts and i'd be home with your thoughts especially long island is all about watching TV and hating Mexicans. That's what long island is about.

Just getting angry. At least I got one out of this. You got one out of the two. That's what long island is all about. I love Mexicans. You don't need cable to hype Mexicans. That's what I'm a big fan of Mexicans by the way. Me too.

Not just because I know what works harder. Nobody works harder. I like the Kaisa deal. That's what they made. Oh, that was you know, you know, they have good ones. The kid. In the kid's laugh it up and becky right off that fucking train stop. Go get Kaisa. What do you call it? Dillis. I hate him. I hate him. I'm the pulling.

I just think that's fascinating that you don't him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Just go with it. Just go with it. Just go down that puzzle. But I mean, like if there's a big game on it, something like Super Bowl doggo somewhere and watch it, you know, it's on Channel 4 of them.

I know, but I don't go. I'm way out, man. Do you have a channel eight and three? That's about it. He doesn't even get New York TV. I haven't had so far out of the way. There's no major broadcasts. No channel.

He gets connected to TV. He's out of the road. Or Island, he gets Connecticut TV. He's that far out. He gets connected. He's not a road to Ireland. It's Connecticut TV. He's that far out. Well, I'm asking a question. How is this a is this a choice you made or is this totally a choice? So it was a financial or a financial? Yeah, why was that going to give the cable company all this money and watch somebody vacuum in the morning try to sell me a vacuum for a

half an hour? Do you have a cell phone? Yeah, I do. You just I do have an internet that got computer. Has it, do you think it's made your life better? No, I'm still miserable. Yeah, I don't get that. Yeah, like you've always kind of, I mean, you're a nice guy, but you're always fucking, you know,

have that 11. I agree. You have that nice 11 in between your eyes, because you're just fucking angry. Yes. That's an average thing. I don't know. I didn't have a, you know, the first fall

that didn't beat the crap out of me. My father did. It wasn't too. It was just one. So the original day. The original day. You got the original day. So your dad beat the shit out of you?

Sometimes, yeah. You know, you got those beatings. How many people did you have catching you when you lost your virginity? What was your team like? Was your fucking did you pomported? I have to tell you to show me I was there team come on Do do what? Yes, I want to know why you're really mad I don't know you see mad man right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, do we get with it?

We get with them and the way sit look and look at the way sitting so the fine And just like into my arms a folded and ready the hell you talking about man He's on a podcast. I got a drag shit out of him It's a talking Medium and I gotta go come on Right, no, I just you know, I just got sick of it You know what I mean? No, all the crap on TV. So one day you like I'm done with this too much money

I don't need to spend it and you call them up and that you say what get it out stop it what they say okay They just said okay. I didn't have came up to try to sell you they try to sell you more I put out a problem with the Dolan's and stuff like that on it and stuff like that The whole the Dolan's that one. Jim Dolan. Jim Dolan. Who the fuck is that? That's the Long Island family. The next K-A-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- The furthest Irish people can get in his country is the fucking Dolan's But they own cable vision on long Island They're like, you're the most shittiest ruling class family

That the fucking bushes run to CIA and the Dolans on MSG How fucking sad is that? That's the furthest Irish people can get They own a channel where people are just watching fucking hockey fights The Dolans The Kennedy's the Bush is the one, the Kennedy's I guess a technical the highest but the Dolan's are real like long high fucking Dolan's in the Scotto brothers. Yeah, the Scotto won catering halls. That's not fucking kick. They're like legendary in the

Yeah, the Scotto. Yeah, they own all the places in your Italian wedding. People come out of the ground. Right. I want to come out. Okay little disgusting white trash pigs cable when cable first came out they said you had to pay because there were no commercials you'd watch wrestling for three hours without commercials it was great when you'd watch super fly you know my son was right there it stuff like that you know and it would be on for three hours you know the range of games a bit like one little commercial or something like that, you know, and it would be on for three hours, you know, Ranger games, a bit like one little commercial or something like that. Okay. Now, they're on 24 and they're still asking for more money from you,

even though they're ripping off. It's a good point. Everybody, you know, Oh, cable's fucking. It's a big ripple. It's a, it's a, it's a piece of shit. And it's almost not going to be old digital. I come five years. It'll be old digital. I'd come home to the game.

I'd come home from a gig and put on like channel 51 and some guy selling a vacuum cleaner for half an hour I'm like, why am I paying money to watch this guy try to sell me a back? You know, you can change the channel. I know you watch it. I know you're watching it. Why are you watching that for half an hour? I didn't watch it for half an hour. I have something to say.

I have something to say. Go ahead. I said the real question is why are you watching that for half an hour? I didn't watch you had other choices. But that's what it said for a half an hour. Don't get mad at me, get mad at me. Get me a hat. Don't get mad at me.

Get me a hat. Well, Nyland has a lot of local commercials that get it going like Bob's discount furniture and all these shitty like hard deal houses on 110 and gorgeous. So it does feel weird if you're watching like these shitty local fucking channels. So I'm all right, I have Verizon, I have Fios.

We can't have Verizon. So I'm up in Westchester, I got that. So it's different than what I have. I couldn't get any other cable company because I live in town of Brooklyn. So the Dalin Step 4, the Monopoly. You gotta get cable vision. Isn't that illegal?

It should be. It probably is. What about it? What about it? Probably got paid off. So, so basically you take the cable out and what do you do I mean was it what did you find yourself withdrawing like like a little bit but you know I mean you know you do you find other things

that do so you read books yeah you read books you go on a computer until you sit on the porch, you're fat. You're a little porch, you're a little, yeah. You're a little, you're a little, you're a little, shaked his fist at the young people. You're pressing out the back house. You write your memoirs? Pick up your dog crap from the dog, you know. You got a good rough, you know. I would think that you would get so much more done.

You'd have like 11 one-man shows written or a fucking seven. No, that would happen. Because you, you know, what do you do it after you get home? I mean, you got fucking hours to do nothing except sitting a quiet house with lamps and Lights and well, I also had gangster son What I'm sorry. What was that I had two boys? So we mean gangsters Well, they tough kids no tough is not some friends were all you know from the hood No shit, so you had to deal with that somewhat yeah it's friends were all from the hood what

is that it is I mean that there's kids around and stuff like that you know and all like crap yeah what the hood there's like I just just walking around I hope you never make it and have to get interviewed by somebody important because they're literally gonna fucking quit Good cuz I haven't seen one in good interview at all in my life I mean if I had like Bob a Walters I'd be cleaning my gutters I'd say I'm sorry you can interview me but I'll be cleaning my gutters at the same time and just throwing leaves out of my gutters and you know At proper Would you really do that? I if I had to do the gutters. Yes

Getting angry I didn't have cable for a few years, but I had Hulu and Netflix and I would just want to do that I don't have cable I do Hulu Netflix Amazon Prime. I've never had cable. I just borrowed S-word man. Well, no, you don't have cable. What about you have to get Wi-Fi? You gotta get Wi-Fi and I get a huge Wi-Fi. I don't know. It's a part of the, me and my roommate split it. It's some bullshit. It's not a lot. It's not a lot. It's like a hundred bucks a month. For Wi-Fi.

Well, depending on what you get, I used to get the fast one for Fios. We had Fios in Brooklyn, and it was like 90 bucks. You used to be able to steal Wi-Fi. Now it's harder to do. It's very hard to steal Wi-Fi. Now, you used to be able to just see if you neighbor had it or you lived in a apartment building, if one person had it. You used to be able to just jump on it.

But more people know about locking it, because they used to just have it open. Right. You didn't lock it. But now everybody locks it. Do you have Wi-Fi? Yes, I do. Will you arrest Wi-Fi? Yes I do. Will you arrest it at one point?

Why are you answering me like that? He's a hermit. Yes I do. Yes. I need a lawyer. Hey me. I'm sorry I'm not like you Robert. No buddy.

No one is. He can't take it because you're so into tech that you can't take that he doesn't take that. This is what I love about this show. I'm not attacking you you fucking. I'm actually very interested. I'm always interested. I'm very going to attack that you can't take that he doesn't take that. But I love this, this is what I love about this show. I'm not attacking you, you fucking. I'm actually very interested. I'm very interested in this. I'm very interested in getting, you know,

cutting the cord with this television thing. It's such a waste of time. I try to have a rule that I never watched something I've seen before, like a movie. Oh, I don't do that. Because what I would do is I would watch a cigar that I've movie I've seen 19 times that's insane I'd watch it you know in the middle what am I gonna do I see every episode of time felt like a hundred times over I would just go psych

columball mumbles great I watch fuck it is great but it doesn't make sense I just watch the sopranos the entire show it doesn't make sense I'm off the wire three times. Right. Right. It's like so I try not to do that one. But I have I have six thousand channels on TV. But I would rather watch something that you know you're going to enjoy. Like it pisses me off way more watching a new movie and being like, well that was two hours and fucking wasting time. But I there's so terrible most of them. But it's a journey and sometimes that journey doesn't pay off like anything any

Move you go see it could potentially suck any TV show you invest in could potentially suck and when it pays off It's great, but when it doesn't pay off you can't be like I'm never gonna fucking do that again That's just ridiculous. You got to be home at a certain time like appointment television is dead You know I watch you don't have to well you don't have to do the DVR and stuff like that. But with Netflix, nobody watches, I'm gonna tell you what, I'm not from, yeah, our show last year to this year. Right.

People in a year, right. They don't even count the overnight's anymore. Really, they don't count them, because it doesn't matter. It's a magic in life. Nobody's watching live TV unless it's the fucking game of thrones Right the walking dead yeah or live sports right sports. That's it So it makes sense that you would you know like you eventually within a few years

It really just will be streaming service eight years ago. We'll look at all of that But Netflix is going fucking you don't have to wait the whole's out. Yeah, and then you don't think that. You want to change your, you're changing your name. You don't, no, I haven't touched it yet, but you don't think that, listen. It ruins it a little. Do you think it's a little obsessive as, like it's kind of what we do with everything? It's like, it's like, it's, it will give you it all

right now, watch it all, take it all, feast. Yes, not good. You can have it. You can have it. It's like, it's like, it's like, well like you said, it's like, you watch a show. You like the first one. The second show kind of episode The third one's better and leads into the fourth. It's kind of the journey and not every person has the same one with a show But as you watch it week to week like Ray Dunnevin is like I'm watching every week me and my chick watch that either on Sunday on Monday

And it's you know I could binge it all and just save them all up But I like that at the end of that show I'm like fuck when a show makes it go fuck it's over shit Yeah, and the anticipation I think I love that that's what you want right? Like most people I know are binge watching anyway. I mean you took a breaking bad That's gonna say is there just smashing the whole thing, but most people are doing that already I think I wouldn't watch the shows on Netflix if they were once a week. I watched house Cars like a day and a half and I felt sick. I probably wouldn't like I felt sick after the show

You feel sick what you I watched house of cards like a day and a half. I didn't move I didn't leave my room I just walked outside and saw the sun I felt horrible It's not a great show. I've never watched an episode It's a great show. What are you watching right now? Yeah, I'm watching I'm watching rock and roll no great Donovan right Donovan you said I know I'm right Donovan. I'm watching right now. It's great. It's great. Nocus Nocus. Nocus is pretty good. Bloodline. Nocus is good. Yeah, nocus I tried to get through the first three of bloodline last year bloodlines real slow I couldn't watch No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and you ask people and they look at you like you see heads what I watch wayward pines on on Avenue

Hell's wrong. No, it knows what it is wayward pines. Yeah, it's good. Is there any of you guys watching? No, no, it's good What is it on it's on fox? It's like a nature He's asking like he's gonna watch it. Stranger things is I I Stranger things is the perfect great. There's eight episodes on Netflix. It's a throwback to every you would love it. Yeah, 80 stuff. What is it? It's about these these this is it a comedy or no, it's like a horror. It's a little bit of a heart. It's like thriller. It's a little poltergeist. It's Poltergeist. It's a play on all those great a horror movies from the 80s and 90s. Stephen King was like it. It's Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no I don't fucking what are you fucking well? I'm a rude eating the first episode now. I know she is telekinesis. Are you doing the night of on HBO? You can really know that the night of no I haven't watched that I watch that. It's fun very good night. I was good But a young Arab guy so so here's a deal what show me hero here's a deal basically we're going

We're going are you fucking even sorry? Sorry cross conversations? Sorry, sorry, sorry cross conversations Sorry, I Can't try them in Somehow not right It wasn't there was it because you know China man. Um You're not writing down Chinaman. Are you? I'm gonna say no I know What is he writing down?

saying no. I know. So put a cross through it. What is he writing down? I write titles for the show as we go. Oh, they'll literally say no to every single one. Yeah. It's heavy like fucking Chinaman Pekipsi River. Yeah. New River, but you know you call on a case of Dillard. Tony is lost. Tony was lost stand. You're Medford? Where's Medford? So what's his name? Dickey Soule.

I'll put that one. Yeah, good, right? Dickey Soule. I hope Dickey punches you right in your fucking face. You say he's not like that anymore. I didn't say that. I say he's still fucking cracking. So sorry.

Sounds like a David's statement. I just, I think we're basically going to where Campbell Company is going to be dead, correct? The only thing we're going to want is Wi-Fi. Right. You know what I can't wait to think about with, which is, is, uh, wireless. Yeah. What?

You still need cable for live sports and news. Yeah, but they're going to change all the ticks, things like that. Those are the only things that are holding on right now. I think that, I think that, I think the, the thing that I can't wait for is, uh, wireless charging. Yeah. I think that's what cable is't wait for is wireless charging. I think that's where cable's gonna take up some of the money when they provide wireless charging when you walk in your house and your phone just charges.

And your iPad charges. That's the cable. Nobody do that. Because they'll provide the actual system. Oh really? The lines are ready in. Well, I don't know how it's going to be done, but they'll provide you with a router now.

You won't buy a router. How many weeks off do you get that to everyone gets cancer? Do you think? Probably we'll get a higher rate. I know what I'm saying, but that's not to fuck with you, but that's kind of the go-to, we're all going to get cancer shit. I mean, no more than your cell phone,

putting your ear for the last fucking 10 years. If you know what I mean, it's the same shit, it's just radio waves. You know, cell phone, I always sit it here, always put it between my legs and I'm like, yeah, it's that sad. But nothing is, we have no cases of that. We have nothing of people.

It's common, but what are you gonna do? It's's been 20 years. It's good point. It's 20 years So yeah, I mean maybe there is some head tumor or some fucking people didn't have a kind of couple fucking hair lip babies Head tumors, but who gives a shit? I just don't you know, I don't know I mean I it's it's just gonna be a weird day when you can Fuck I mean what I literally do a TV like when you can fuck. I mean, what are you gonna do with TV? Like when you do a show, okay, right now, we were talking about this, I don't know if the last week or I was talking about was,

okay, back in the day, they had NBC, ABC, CBS. You had FX, you had TBS, TNT. Right. CW, USA. No, no, they weren't. They weren't even there. USA was a shit network with garbage. 18 wheels of justice.

Shows like that. Garbage shows. OK. And then AMC was American Movie Channel. They showed shitty movies. Yeah. They never got like actual American movie classics. It was always shitty movies.

Shitty movies, right? Turn it, yeah, right? So you look at all these AMC, IFC. What was that, the information? What was that? I was independent film, just kidding. Okay, so independent film. So they showed independent, just garbage.

These were garbage things. AMC has the number one shows on fucking television. Huge. Two of them. Walking dead. Breaking bad. Breaking bad. Okay, so now you have so many CW, IFC, AMC, Discovery 1234,

fucking travel channel, which is a spin off, HGTV. Okay, the learning channel. You can sit there and watch how people work. Food network. Food network, it's crazy. Travel. Travel, it's nuts. Okay, the learning channel you can sit there watch how people work food network food network It's crazy travel travel. It's not I just yelling things Yeah, I'm just saying every channel You help me my point when they have the ones in over like the DIY channel and stuff like that

They will use random my point is this though is a Low-go back in the day you had walk, if you wanted to see something, you had four or five, six, all right, check the case of Dylan. I should have done one show tonight. I like two people in this room right now. What the fuck? You're one of them.

All right, you're the other one. Don't worry, don't worry. I'm gonna fucking Tim to snap. I never liked you either. You fucking takes me with a hatchet. You don't like yourself? I, uh, huh? You don't like yourself?

The couch doesn't count. No, that's it. The couch never counts. That's pretty trippy when your future self is asking you. If you don't like yourself, I just stand and... I don't leave that one on. You're here to get it. No, no, no, no, no, no, get that away.

Why? I don't want him touching that. I'm gonna... I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna watch my hands afterwards. He's gonna jinx everybody. Yeah. Communist.

Chinese Communist hands. You know, he's... Everything's deady coming. This is the guy who runs comedy in China. Does he really? Yeah. Well, I'm not going to China. Why do you know he might bring you? I'm not going to China.

I know, he's right here. He might bring you in the fucking China. Why? You're not allowed to say stuff on stage. You cannot. The government will, you cannot say whatever you want. Yeah, but believe me, it's nothing that's in your act. Uh, you don't know.

I got a big shock on Chinese politics. I get a little crazy, you know what I mean? What's in your act that you don't think you could do? I don't know, I mean I don't know what I mean. Vote for Tom. It's Saudis and shit, who knows? I mean can you just talk about, you can talk about races and stuff and whatever you want? Absolutely, well the funny thing about...

Government's an eminence. The funny thing about it is that you talk about cable... I got a shock on ice cream. You guys, they still ask. You're not allowed to talk about the porn broker show, that's Bane. Okay. Can you say porn porn? It sounds more like porn I just thought I'd ask a different yeah porn and porn Yeah, I got the porn show and porn I just say pornography pornography

Yeah, you tell us you say pornography Yeah, go ahead you're saying so yeah, I mean the thing is that Yeah, you tell us you say pornography. Yeah, go ahead. You're saying so yeah I mean the thing is that they have they tell you what you can't say like what were there pretty much you can't talk about To bet but don't don't Chinese here I'm saying this is interesting you can't talk about to bet. This is very who tells you this by the way People tell you now they don't come up to you, like, can't say this before a show. I can't really get into it. A guy flew down on a dragon. Kim Jong-il.

But I tell you, we've had guys in our shows riding down what's been said and stuff like that. Yeah, that's scary. Dude, it's fucking scary. I'd love for you to get arrested. It would be good. I just take him off, you know. It would be funny if he really doesn't like any any of us He invokes us all to do shows Welcome to the rest of your life in Chinese So you can't talk about today. I don't show up. I actually have the the future me come Ganger

He's been in Nanjing prison That's a good joke. I think you guys But I got the list of things you can't talk about in China. What is it? Well, he's gonna read it. Okay, so you can't talk about it. Let him have a second. You could just ask me, you know.

We tried to, but you can't talk about it. Hey, you can't talk about it. Hey, you can't talk about it. You with your internet. You can't talk about the independence movements in Tibet and Taiwan. Ooh. You can't talk about the religious movement, Fal and Taiwan. You can't talk about the religious movement Falun Gang Shit, you can't talk about democracy That's true. It's not there. It's not true. I'm telling you it's not true.

I'm not sure. What's that? We're gonna go through the fuck just Wikipedia. He just tell him what's true and what's not true. All right, the Tiananmen Square protests. Oh, come on talk about it Cannot cannot malice it can't mention the square at all you can't mention it What if you went I went through Tiananmen Square? T square hanging out in Tiananmen Square the other day I lied down Taking a nap. Yeah, what a beautiful place for nothing's ever happened Took a nap. What a beautiful place where nothing's ever happened.

It's a great place for a rally. I was tanked in Tiananmen's murder. Oh, yeah baby. I need my deflux. Take a look at this. Come on. All right, thank you. But I helped you get there.

I think we all helped you get there. I still got there. Fuck you. Give me it. What are get there. I still got there. Fuck you, give me it. What are you doing? I have some potatoes, relax. You think as you always get people who think they're very clever and they're like, no, but I have a new angle, which is actually kind of positive for them. And it's like, people, I don't, this one I don't get.

When you go away somewhere or you have a show with, guys, like, look, you can't do, don't do this or don't do that, whether it be a college, and you agree to it, you know, go cat. I don't understand. Just, shut your fucking mouth. Just do it. And do what you're not, you know, just college, and you agree to it, go catch it. I don't understand, just shut your fucking mouth. Just do it. And do what you're not, just do what you're supposed to do. Don't try to fight, well I'm gonna be shut,

the fuck go home, just go home. I wish everyone thought like that. Let's take the Taurus Twitter, I was gonna take it over the other day, but I thought it would be hilarious if I was gonna just tweet ISIS the whole time. My gay is tig, I love ISIS, death to America, the profit shall rise, you know, all the water. And then I read and it's like to give you all the rules, you have to do

all these things. They positive keep tick sensibility in mind. Oh, there's rules. There's rules to it, you know. So I'm like, I'm not going to take it on unless I can have fun. And there's a guy that says, that's funny. Bobby, that would have been hilarious. If you opened up Twitter and sort of Tignitaro was like retweeting ISIS. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's funny.

I'd be like I knew it. I saw a guy. I thought I'd know it. A whole time. Yeah. One of the guys just took over Twitter promoted one of his shows. Yeah, it's shitty.

Put ads for his show. Like what are you doing? What are you doing? Took over her twitter said why do you take over tigs twitter all they had to think she doesn't take you should have around to it just bounce from comic to comic yeah and i think maybe now she does i don't know what happened but so what else do you know uh... corruption cancel corruption of any kind that's a pretty general you can't be a general

kwannie you can't you can't use a corruption you can talk about corruption outside of china but you can talk about you can't you can't you can't corruption you can talk about corruption outside of China But you can't talk about you can't talk negatively about the government. It's there. Okay. Okay, okay Sounds like a fun gig KCD's fly 18 hours to do this. I don't even understand They just sit you down and tell you what you can't talk about that's the whole show So if you if you bring somebody over they you have to tell them what to talk about not talk about of course Somebody else does a good official thing is it like no one ever know Haven't knows these things anyway, so we kept telling people and they kept going oh shit

I didn't what what is that you know you're putting it in their head, but I saw it I'll let people know but it this is it you can't talk about Tiananmen to bet Taiwan or criticize the government That's it everything else is fine You're talking about pussy you can talk about pussy all day. If it's funny, you know. Yeah. Well, you're talking about pussy. Now, what about corrupt pussy?

Can you talk about pussy? He is an antithecic. He is an antithecic. He is an antithecic. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec.

He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. He is an antithec. I don't know the audience is very shy. I got a hand job from a monk in Tiedemann Square.

I mean, they're more shy than audience. I mean, people like to think the Chinese are one thing. People have say, I don't know if they suck at them or whatever, the people. You know, they're the same people everywhere. Funny, I actually, that came to me. I was out of the country in Denmark. And I saw this guy. And I saw these, I was out of the country in Denmark and I saw this guy and I saw these, I was

around four people and I was with like four people. You know how country four people right and I sat, oh you're fucking, oh it's the worst and then he winked. You're so glad you left this country. You'd be a waiter here. I, uh, fine, come to work. I wish. He just winked at me. Another may be fucking more violent.

A shitty joke and then a wink. Fuckin' he, lucky I'm not calling Quinney but you. He'd wink back. And then ask everyone else to leave. I, uh, Jesus Christ. You're right, Robert. I'm all right. I just wink, Robert. I'm all right. I'm just, I just winked again.

I fucking hate him. Oh, god damn it. I, um, no, but I, I, I, I, I, I looked over this table and there was a guy kind of being like me, like goofing around. And I was like, there's a me, there's a you, there's a Chinese version of, there's a Chinese guy that loves just fucking carbs and milk. You don't even hate him? Yeah. And as your personality, there's a Chinese guy that loves just fucking carbs and milk. You know what I mean?

And has your personality. There's a Chinese guy with your personality. There's you and other, there's a fucking African me. You know what I mean? Some fucking silly asshole. You know what I mean? There's a miserable African dude that literally has the same personality as you.

I know cable. Who doesn't have cable? They're not cable. Actually, none of them. One out of them. African dude that literally would has the same personality as you and no cable I mean there's a Chinese scope of just a bubble that's no common sense Chinaman walks around and fucking has people yelling at them all day the Kim Kardashian I mean it's true. I mean they're they're just people but Do they do the hey, they're just people? Well, no, they are basically shit. They laugh. They laugh at the same shit we laugh at. Your relationship to the game.

Yes, it's weird to me. And it's just interesting in a country where so much American humor is about criticizing the government and these institutions. It's fascinating that Chinese comedians can't do that. Chinese comedians are all comedians. Anybody in China? Now is there other Chinese comics?

Uh, yeah. How bad are they? I just, there's no one that's been doing it. Like we started it. Right. And then, sorry, the people who've been doing the longest have been doing about five or six years. So they haven't, so they don't have any chops.

Yeah, that's a pretty fair analysis. I think China's most famous comedian was arrested for corruption in the government. Yeah, but he's not really a comedian. You throw the word comedian around. I think he was like a TV. He appeared on TV recently. He was a TV-ish.

Yeah, like a comic actor. Yeah, that's not many. I think he was like a news guy or so. I didn't know him, but he was also in the communist party and connected There's all this factionalizations name is Zao Benjen. I don't know how hilarious Yeah, he's got a great funny. He's got a great bit about noodles. I don't know. I got a corrupt pussy, but that's amazing Yeah, but aren't they mostly American tourists that you're performing for? No, they're not tourists festival and bully live in China Wow, that the yeah, so the audience is like daddy had 40% Chinese on average

I think can be more than that okay, but that's big English because I had friends that don't Before I'm over there. Yeah, like Ted Alexander and oh, yeah, he's in Hong Kong. Okay, he didn't go to mind my China Oh, so that's very different very different what's different to explain to me what the difference is essentially two different countries because hankham was UK and very very modern modern but it's it's not it's not that it's more metropolitan

not that Shanghai they're comparable but the difference is that up until 1997, that was handed back from the British to the Chinese. And they had to agree that they would maintain kinda what they had going on there. And the Hong Kong, they're different, I mean, they can't, they consider themselves to be different. I'm not sure how the genes work, but they look a little different

and they're different language. They don want to be considered. They look down on the mainlanders, actually. It's very controversial. And they have a quote, quote, quote, unquote, democracy. But now what's happening, this is the big controversy. I don't know if people know about this, but like they, they've said, oh, you can pick who's in charge, but we get to pick the candidates. Wow. I. Kind of like here. You can tell the jokes. That's what's funny. You can tell the jokes.

We picked the jokes. You tell everything you wanted to do. No, I mean, that's what's funny is, is everyone's like, oh, we should be able to have elected candidates like now. You think you'll stay there forever? Will you ever leave? I want to do comedy, and it's probably not, if you want to do comedy, you got to go away

and the comedy is to some degree. Right. Which is here, right. What the fuck made you go there? I mean, it wasn't for comedy. I just graduated. I want to move at a, I mean, I'm from Melbourne, which is great, but it's far away from everything. I'm the Melbourne I've seen is great with comedy now. I wasn't doing comedy when I left. Okay. And I just want to, I graduate. I'm like, I got to get at now or or if I don't leave now, and they have a late. Right right I didn't want to leave in Australia for the rest of my life Right and so I just went there and

Found a job got working and then eventually got into comedy now you own a club. Yeah, you own the club Yes, was it hard to For somebody from Australia to buy an own a business there? Well, we, especially something controversial as a comedy club where people are gonna say, you're fucking, I mean, I think it's a person, con for comedy. So, I mean, it just, we didn't start at,

trying to start a club, we just started running shows, and then they just got bigger and bigger and bigger. Confu comedy. Yeah. What were the other things you were considering? Yeah. Oh, long time.

Long, long time. Long, long time, last. Yeah. Can I tell you what I mean? General Tatlin. General Tatlin. Yeah Long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, long, long time, long time, long, long time, long, long time, long time, long time, long time, long time, I went to I found the list and it's amazing there's so look at the fucking owner of the bikypsi ones getting all whipped up on names now Here's a whole new menu idea What a weird laugh So yeah, I mean we cuz you've been there for like five years then seven years. Yeah, seven years So now you and who own this club? Hey, I mean there's other But DC Benny yeah, it's the right that's for a show the tea that we're plugging. Oh it's here. Yeah

But D.C. Benny's been out there so they have an open might you have an open mug at the club. We do yeah We have three two in English one in China. So how the fuck okay? Say say so you're gonna bring Sean over or Tim Dylan over what what what what is your deal hypothetically? We go hilarious His comedy is Kant, right? His comedy is Kant with a wink. I'm getting it now. It's not no click with me It's it's not we're kind of over the top right. He's very subtle subtle subtle Kant with a wink It's right because he get he'll get fucking put in jail if he's right of course

He's gonna so hypothetically he's gonna be very passive aggressive with these fucking Japanese whatever the fuck Japanese and I won't like that one that we bring people out usually for a week and they'll play because I have rooms in 20 different cities in China so where do you put them up is it a nice hotel yeah five star hotels the whole five star fucking Kampinski we use the high it a nice hotel? Yeah, five star hotels. Five star. Yeah, fucking Kampinski. We use the high bunch of other ones that are five. Now, how do you fly them over there, coach? Mostly, but we're looking at some bigger acts now and some people only take boat,

best clubs. Yeah, because I mean, dude, how long's the flight? 20 hours. Depends how you go, but yeah, probably 15 to 20 15 to 20 hours. Yeah, and in coach Wow, what airline? I mean, there's a lot of airlines. What airline do you guys use? Some of them to be honest, some of the Chinese airlines are really good. Yeah, some of them. They're a great service on the Asian Airlines. Hopefully not my Asia Air. China. Yeah, that will they never make it to the Black you own the club not fucking perform you're not on the show are you? So they yeah, I have a lazy there like cuz it fucking fell out of the they can't find it

Bob Kelly was supposed to be a bikimsy, but he went to come food and they can't find his plane so I'm here Here's his act I eat fuck have a kid cheers. Bye Welcome to low Chucklein. Porium. Yeah, right. Welcome. Welcome to Lomaine laughs every Wednesday. So I mean, that doesn't mean I mean, dude, you go over there. Yeah. If you fly in coach, if coach stinks, you're on Delta coach to China.

You're going to murder. I'll fucking kill myself. Somebody. I'd fucking kill myself. I've fucking kill myself ever through. Not bad. Not for you. Yeah, well, not all of this kind of fit. A for face class. But it's alright. Well, it's not that you can afford first class, but some like a luft not what's the Australian? What's the one? What is coach is good? Right. I'm telling these Chinese Airlines are good. Yeah, some of the airlines the coach is in that bag.

The money, a room, the food is good, the movies are good, they get a little screen. So are you are you married there? Do you have a yeah? I got a wife but she's not Chinese. So you have a kid? Not yet. Did you meet her there? Yeah, it is sharp. No shit. Yeah, she left her cod. So you fucking called her and gave her 10 free tickets. I was a count I was a content I winked at it and then she left it You know your wife fucking hate your passive aggressiveness. No, she's Russian hyper aggressive. You married her She much want to strangle you my so the time she does yeah

This is let you don't want to get heard What's that why you don't want to get heard Is that why you're in China you can't say what you want to say you marry a Russian way you can't say what you want to say That is how mean you want to that's day Hey, can you get a TV? You literally pop like a fucking hermit. You sit there. What do you want me? What me? What's the cover to get into these clubs?

Because don't the people make like 26 cents a week over there? It's an iPhone. You have to give them an iPhone. You have to give them the iPhone they might. That's how it works. That was the joke I just made, asshole. Okay, there you go. Well, yeah, give him a wig. I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm telling you what, man. They might that's how works that was the joke I just made that so okay

Yeah, I'm tell you what man if you think there's not rich people in China No, there's the rich I know all about money and there's a We have anybody knows I have a few bucks. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few.

He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few.

He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. He's got a few. that we're gonna sell. It's not like second. I'm not gonna get a ton of money. Talk to me. I'm not gonna get all the money.

This is a bungalow. In Island Park. It's a nice bungalow. It's like a ton of money. How much is it? It's probably gonna sell for like 200,000. Can I buy it? If you want a bungalow.

Is it on the beach? It's a block from the beach. Yeah, I do. Sounds great. What do you want it? Shut your face. Can I buy it? I can.

Can you? I don't know. Will you show me it? Absolutely. You can see it. All right. Good. And you're gonna make what you can make 50 you're gonna make 20 we're gonna do it that money by another fucking polo shirt I'm gonna probably go out to eat for like two months like all the five star restaurants in New York City I know about it I have 20 random

right now I'll be begging you for future work I'll go through that money in like four months. Really? Now I'm kidding. I'll save it. I'll do the right thing. Football is your passion. You know all the players and teams, their strengths, their weaknesses. Now put that knowledge to the test and play for your shot at the $1 million top prize at DraftKings.com. It's just part of the $5 million in total prizes. They're dullin' out in this week one's contest. DraftKings.com is the destination for one week fantasy football. One week fantasy football, what's that mean?

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use code Kelly and play for free with your first deposit. That's code Kelly to play for free. For your share of the $5 million in total prizes in this week one's contest only draft kings dot com draft kings dot com eligibility and restrictions may apply see website for details you'd love that since you fucking don't leave your house and you just have internet seriously i don't like my house i just a few days to call bingo i used to do a lot of things on door in a nice.

I didn't even make you fucking working in our cage. Yeah, I did. No, I worked with my kids with the Catholic school. So I was always busy at night, it's not like I had sitting there with my Johnson in my hand, which happened sometimes, but not at all. Here's the thing. What? There's the thing with you. What? There's a thing with you. What?

Okay. As you come off as a really nice guy at first. But you slowly turn into a grumpy, cum-mudgeon. And I think is it your blood sugar drops? I have no idea. Are you faking it at the beginning? No. What time is it?

10-20? No, it's later than that. 10, 24. Okay. Alright. Yeah, so maybe I'm a little tired, right? You never get tired, Robert. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm gonna get up at 6 to go do a shoot. I'm up all day and all day. I've been fucking up. I was up at 3 in the morning to come home Sunday. Sunday come home. I change every go in the morning to come home Sunday Monday come home. I got a change every go in the backyard and play Until fucking nine o'clock at night. Go to bed at 10 wake up at seven Come in the city got 180 all fucking ticket today. What'd you do hydrant? What I do?

No, another high. Do you say hydrant? Yeah, park by hydrant. No, I did not park by a hydrant Why are you saying hydrant? Just like that. hydrant. No, I did not pop by hydrant. Why are you saying hydrant? Just like that. I'm turning it in my hewish up. I'll tell you what I fucking did. It made me, you know, I don't hate cops. I'm a pro cop guy. Was it metermader cop?

It was cops. He's fucking motherfuckers. Nice thing, right? Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. I, uh, we, I, uh, I, I, I, I, I got a new phone from Apple again because something was wrong with the phone. So I had to go return and get a fucking another one. So I go in, I got the phone, but now I get my car and the sink isn't hooked up.

So I have to talk. I'm holding the phone on speaker phone, talking, I don't have it to my ear, I'm not fucking, you know, I have it holding it in my hand with speaker phone. The cop on the west side highway in traffic, you know, mind you, I'm not doing 95 down the fucking, you know, 87, I'm holding it, they pull up on the side of me, look at me like fuck you and then get behind me and

Pull me over and they had the ticket ready Yeah, they don't they don't fuck around they had the fucking ticket ready You know what go fuck I Fucking all the fucking benefits hell gigs. I've done for you right now. They don't get the Western Habit cops Don't give you a pba cards. They'll still write you a ticket. They're the fucking worst. I was like you mother fucker. You both you fuck fuck you and you're fucking and I well it's the law you want to get I get it but you I understand why people can get Fucking hateful towards cops and look it's my fault also when cops shoot. Yeah, this is the shooting. it kind of get angry when you get shot buddy So can you not I'm talking about my problems right now?

Not the I'm talking about like I can just do it when people hate cops you know getting tickets all the time Also getting shot with your hands up that can kind of he didn't have his hands up He didn't have his hands up the guy laying on the ground recently with his hands up Okay, buddy. Yeah, yeah, we got you mean the guy with the gun the guy that had the gun No, the doctor the guy next to the autistic guy and he was laying on the ground, and he had his hands up and then he asked the cops why'd you shoot me? The cops was, I don't know. And then the cop, the story is he meant to shoot the autistic guy.

That's the cover. The cop goes, I meant to shoot the other retarded guy. I'm not talking about the motherfuckers that pull me over. I am probably a mom. Can I have my moment? Yes. Is it always about fucking autistic people and, you know, I apologize. Can I have my fucking anger?

I apologize. So what? Mine doesn't count, Tim? No it does. So I have to think about the world every fucking time something bad happens in my life. I can't have a moment of fuck you because like someone got shot, that's supposed to get shot, Tim.

Sorry, I apologize to you for your ticket. I feel horrible. We're organizing a protest against the actual that's yeah shit big points on the license too what huge point huge points on your license to hold for a cell phone ticket I say it's a DWI it's five points you don't got to tell man he did not are you kidding me oh I'm serious I'm gonna insurance guy down the day I know you can get a knock down how the fuck do you get it knocked down?

Depensive driving course depends on driving bro. What you have a lawyer come out with you. No, I just take a defensive driving course I'm fighting it that's not gonna do hours driver's course. I'm fighting it then fuck them Right I agree. Yeah, after it's five points. It's pay. It's like a DWI That's ridiculous. It's you'll get I wasn't I was holding the fucking phone I had it in my hand on speaker phone holding it. And then I was going to place it. I was placing it down on the middle console. Right. You want to say it wasn't even.

Nothing was happening. You're just putting it on the console. I'm going to say I didn't have. I wasn't even on the phone. I was just had. I was holding the phone. Yeah. Check the live that you can get away with it.

Because you're not using the phone. The phone's intended to be here. Bring yourself home, Bill.. I was just holding the phone. Yeah. Check the live. But you can get away with it, because you're not using the phone. The phone's intended to be your ear. Bring your cell phone, Bill, in. If you're not, I got the ticket at this time. I was not on the phone for a minute before. OK, I'm going to turn the mic off for a second. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, shout your face with your do, and discriminate myself. You fucking wrong, come on, come on, fucking idiot.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying, shout your face with your fucking... Dude, what was he on me, and now he's so angry. I'm angry because you fucking tried to set me up. You heard him. You trying to get me fucking convicted? This is like reverse therapy. Who the fuck is this?

Liz texted me, they're bringing in all known guitar. Okay. The fuck. Anyways, I was I was both shit. It's like you didn't look. There was the older black cop that probably has no idea who I am. But the young bald fuck looked me and he gave me that. Hey, what's up? And I was like, really? Don't you need to take it. It was all ready to go. It was like, you know what, fuck you, dude.

You know, all the fucking shows, I've done hell gigs for you, motherfuckers. Literally, just in a bar, three stories, in a fucking hallway with a microphone, trying to make you guys fucking laugh to have a good time. You know what I mean? I fucking donated to the... I don't know.

Maybe they were at the gig, that's why they gave me the ticket. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna have to fight it, fight it. I'm gonna have to go to court here. What is that like? Oh, I can't really imagine what it's like. I've been to court in New York City, it's not fun. Why, what happens? It's just gonna wait, fuck it, four or five hours here. I had to stand outside for, same thing, I got pulled over on the West Side Highway. I had to stand outside for like three hours.

They let you in, then they take lunch and noon, from 12 to one, you have to wait, then you have to go inside and then see a judge and what you say to the judge I wonder I had played guilty to it. I was getting K. S. Delas doing my driving. No, I was going fast. I was going like 65 and a 45. I think I'm going to go to court. Just pay the ticket. I was trying to fight it down, but they were like no, they were like no, you go to

the five. So you played guilty like guilty. Yeah, what'd you say? I was like, no, I wasn't going to 65. They're like, you go to the five so you play the guilty like guilty yeah what did you say I was like no I wasn't going to 65 they're like a you were that was like I was trying to get I was like no that was a brilliant defense I was pulling over I was a good chicken yeah you're right yeah I had everything you know wait it's six hours I wish OJ was like yeah yeah the kind of comment everything that he was pretty good he had everything documented it was perfect I was like half so these cops are gonna be there. No, you never know I don't yeah, I don't you don't pay. No, they don't have to come

Yeah, you never know they might not come they don't have to come you get off. Oh, no, no, it's not true That's it my boy me me future me what happens? No, they don't have to come anymore. They don't have to I just I don't think you should Just bang the guy. Why? Because it's a massive waste of time and you can easily just No, no five points to it My life do the defensive driving course. That's fun Bobby. All right. That's not fun It's gonna take at least three years for you the court date so request court date so request a court three Did you see three years it'll be three years fucking China by then take that?

That's what I'm saying. It's comedy club. We're gonna come for comedy. I'm gonna be the manager. A lot of shit can happen in three years. Explaining, it's because I have a fucking nice wink. Hey, you did a job, kid. That's the whole thing.

Yeah, it's literally, it literally be two to three years. Really, do you have any cops, you know, any people? Yeah. Can you get it squished? I don't squished? Or squashed? I can try. Get me squished. I can try. Get me squished. I can try. Any cops listening to this show right now, you son of a bitch in your

cruiser, if I've given you any entertainment in my life, if I've taken five minutes of your shit day in that car and made you giggle, you call me on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter and you squash this thing. You should have Paul Verzy go down and argue to take it Oh, that sound like I had a podcast for five years Because I open the other day for Bill Burke there were two billion people Because I open the other day for Bill Burke there were two billion On the continent event article and there were seals and they came with their families

With their families I don't know how much it sounds like him, but it's like his essence. I love him. No, he's a great dude Can I hear your voice just a little bit? You mean this voice That's amazing. You were great on Suns of Ann Arkey by the way. Oh, you're very welcome. Yes, excellent, excellent I'll be headlining with Cannibal Corpse next weekend. Are you a comedian as well? Absolutely not good for you. Do you sing like that you said you knew death metal or something like that? Do you sing? No, I don't say you said you have the music. I just put go or and dying fetus and all those animal bands. Yeah, sounds fun. Yeah, absolutely sounds like that crowd would be a hoot

To clean up after is blood on the floor. Just period blood and fucking teeth What do we got in the chat room, Deepo? Panthers hockey says Tim uses promo code dude when he goes to a truck stop. All right. Ah! That's pretty good. That was great.

Not bad. Better than Panthers hockey. Oh my, that's one of the fucking best chat. That's for the in the chat room. We're just gonna chat room. That's not that funny. That's pretty good. Thank you. That is a, let me tell you something, chat room. Yeah. having a good time with that funny. That's pretty good. Thank you.

That is a, let me tell you something, chat room. If we have an award at the end of the year, you do. You write that one down. Give that guy a shout out. What's his name? Panthers hockey. Panthers hockey. That was a go-go.

Good job. Fascinating in the rest of his life. Great job. Because he's gay. Panthers hockey. Panthers hockey. It was a funny joke. That was a funny joke.

A lot of people were wondering if Andy has any has had any dealings with the Chinese mafia? Yeah, try it. You always hear know they exist because they always exist? Thanks That's how everyone says the mafia's dead, but it's not can we get Chinese scope would have been all the mafia's coming back Because all the guys are way jail in the 90s and 80s are now getting out there try I exist and there's a lot of people that pay tribute you know pay money to the truck But that's that side of China. What do you? Where?

They're trying to I read a book, Sean. You've never read it in the light. This is the last book you've read. What book you're going to make? Trump's book. I read Harry Potter. I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to Sean. What's the last book you've read? I read Confitters Your Dances. I read that. That's a good one. That's a good one. You read that because Colin told you to read it. Because he got all fucking us dickheads to read that book.

My favorite book. Confitters. I know it is, but we all read it enough. He didn't read it because he got all fucking us dickheads to read that book my favorite book Conventor is I know it is but we all read it nothing he didn't read it because he read it of course He read it to swing and have a convoy call it right now the book. Oh did you love it right? Oh, well It's so maybe calm will fucking put him on his one-man show Not gonna happen. I read it seven years ago nothing happened Okay, well, I was just laughing. What you were saying you were like I tried to try it it's very I deal with the try a lot of the more shows in New York City are run by the try-out we all pay tribute to the show I know money

another try-out they can actually help you get five points off can I if you know I'm I should end with a wink on all your jokes so we know That's what it's for. What do you think that do? But your pocket is what your jokes do. Yeah, OK. No, your pocket on your shirts.

Oh, I don't work. OK, that was perfect. I'm like, I'm like, there, and there's a joke here. I scratch my head for a minute. Hey, listen. But you know there's no triads where you from but you say they exist outside of time. I mean, I'm sure there is.

So you have no, they're not a part of life. You're just, you're fucked with by the government. A little bit. He can't say. You can't say because, because if this gets back to the show, they're really great. They're really good and supportive. To me, it's just the antithesis of comedy to have to live in that. We're like I respect that he does it. You think that comedy is living in a friendly

nice environment where everything's easy and there's no oppression? No, but I think it's free speech. That to me is what comedy is free speech. Some might argue that. I mean, to take Lenny Bruce as an example, you know, he was anti-free speech. So what was significant about him is that he was in an environment where what was significant about him is that he was in an environment where there was no free speech that's why he's significant that's not that's well you but Lenny Bruce to be what he wanted he died after getting banned in every state I understand that that wasn't right that was wrong but is that not comedy he said you guys aren't doing that you're not doing that a kung fu guy who's getting banned and

are you guys you know are you doing what Lenny Bruce did people have been banned here? We got shut down in sujo for six months Okay, you're I guess your revolution I'm gonna take the facts and just put him right there Now now he's on you with the wink Laughing at me when I'm getting fucking winked at good for you big boy. Yeah, well, I'm just saying well good I hope to continue I hope to continue to shut get shut down and they fight the Chinese government I wish them the best of luck. They're gonna take down the government. I wish them the best of luck That's what Kung Fu comedy is doing and going against the Chinese guy. That is great

Right, that's no way to step. That's what you just said. We got shut down. I'm not funny. I'll get a stop taking away the night. Can we not take down the comedy and another country on my show? I'm not deleting this. And I don't want to get a fucking,

I don't want to get a phone call from fucking white stash to fucking just a picture of me winking as I'm right. He's like, the shots are real, the shots are real. Dragged off by the trines ads just winking at the camera Now there you go Can I ask him a question Me does any of this shit happen in Taipei because I gotta be there in a month what what shit are we referring to all this Try add anything am I gonna get killed when I go there. Yeah, I'm just try ads don't happen

That's what's in Taipei why I just headline Tai a like two months ago. It's great. Beautiful city So I have now I made a little political Thing potty mouths to call their toilet decals. They look like Trump Hillary and Obama. Yeah, and I gotta go Okay, first answer is you could say whatever you want about American politics I don't give a shit. Oh, yeah, no, I had these made over there Cuz there's a product type a is not China. I mean it's like a different country. I know it's a different country Yeah, but it's like I went to school. They're very open and it's fine. Okay, so you're going over there because you have children making you a little decal Yeah, can I just say it? Can I just say that?

It's American. No, but I want to say if you wanted to do it in mainland China, you'd also be fine Like it's not these things you're talking about. You don't have to worry. I don't know anything about it. I'm just a little worried to go over there and pick these things up. You have nothing to worry about. What are you just going to go over there? You're going to bring them back?

Yeah. I'm really? Yeah, I got 30,000. I'm going to go to the debate. They just can't ship them. They can. It's cost a lot of money. It's cost a lot of money.

So how are you going to bring them back? Isn't that the same thing in sin bags? No, I can say well, maybe you can't talk about it right now I'll kick it my fucking ticket ticket care You're a smuggleship and I can't get a fucking Listen, it's a legit operation Potty mouth USA com go on it all right listen the bottom of my thighs are throbbing. Yeah and I don't know why. Let's throw that out there. Okay.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All We just hit a lot of things a lot of things. I don't know. I'm kind of into getting rid of this cable I hope that first of all, I hope you get a nap at some point I hope I'm the long train ride home. I drove in. Oh god someone's gonna fucking get it tonight Don't talk on the phone. Yeah, I won't

Not on the west side highway. What are you fucking Canadian? I won't People there they're the other, fuck. What else? Sep the crew says, I'm an ex-cop, and I would purposely not show up to court for people that were cool. I didn't want to fuck them with the points. Oh, that's nice. OK, you're an ex-cop. We'll talk to this fucking cop.

Talk to this big cop, right? Because it was two cops, and of them's gonna show up. I know that. I'm fucked. Five points on my license for fucking. Do you have any points already? Huh? I don't know.

I don't think so. I don't fucking know. Yeah. I don't know. It'll be fine. It's just a corrupt system. It is. It is.

You're giving me points to make me so I can't fucking drive. Okay? So now what am I going to do? Take the fucking train, you piece of shit. You're going to drive. You're a higher driver. Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I got.

I got that money. What do you think I'm fucking Louis? You're going to Rickshaw, I can try it. Let's end this show because it's really... No, don't. You know, you're putting across the fucking finish line. You barely may as well. You just ate fucking potatoes and am. And you're fucking...

Why is it up to me to fucking do anything? I don't know, because you're the senior member of this group. That's a creepy laugh. What do you got, Shawnee? Well, plug-wise? Well, no, tattoo-wise. I have my own podcast. It's called My Dumb Friends with Dan

Saint Germain. We do it every week. It's on the All Things Comedy Podcast network. I also have a Twitter at Shawnee Time and an album out called Manual Labor Face. That's on Comedy Central Records and you can get on iTunes. Thank you so much. You're the best buddy. Good to see you man. Good to see you. Thank you for having me. Sorry I was late. I'm not, buddy. What do you got, man? I got a podcast as well. It's called Stuck in the Middle. We do really good interviews with people

who have been doing interesting things in China. It's worth checking it out. You can get it on iTunes and all the other platforms. What do you mean, like, what do you mean, in China? Like, give me an example. Well, all the comics that come out, they go on it. So we also vent, guys like that have been on it. And then also, people people have been doing like

Big businesses there like for example. We had a lady who started the first ever first top-tier restaurant In Shanghai had her on there the whole story for 30 years how she built this iconic restaurant That's great. It's good stuff when you have will on do you have to have double translation? Like into America into We just play music you know when he brought me up last night he didn't know my name and he goes and he stops and he goes what's your last ball is on stage and goes what's your last name again

and the end he brings me up and he goes I thought there was two two D's in your name will I think will sick no I'm not I think there's something wrong really no all right man what else you got? Yeah, we're doing you know shows that in China. Sorry Yeah, well, I mean

That's a never fucking no. I want to shirt the shirts. They got a fucking great You see the kung fu sh kung fu comedy shirt they got I have not can you buy those online? I I get a mighty China, but I'll get some for you Next time I'll come back here. Yeah cool months. Yeah, we could ship on from China if you I'll send them are you coming back in a couple months. I haven't got that yet, but probably come back on when you come back I'll get out of you. Yeah, what do you got buddy? A new podcast Tim Dylan is going to hell on gas digital It's debuted very strong. We're doing very well. Yeah, we got it. Sorry.

It was very good. How was that? Well, did Lewis tell you give you that speech? No, this is. You have to tell him it's doing very well. Lido, it's an illusion. Gas digital. No, it's good.

My pie is still good. I appreciate that support. I'm going to be with Dan Soder at Vermont Comedy Club, the 19th and 20th of August and the Empire City Racewickes, you know on August 17th. Come on out. How was Montreal? It was great. It was literally the fun I've had. I heard you kill. It was a great time. It was the most fun I had to do in comedy I think. I heard after you was over. Well, I did really good. I was the last one. So after me it was over. But it was really good. So it was technically

It was good. You say yeah, Schwarze Delly you go up there eat to smoke me up there Schwarze's great Once on he hasn't are you telling me I'm sorry. I know I can tell me about my job Come on. Yeah, but it was good. Ask me if I had poutine do I know you know Poutine rose that's for trash. You're fucking idiot It's gross not if you go not if you go to the place with Jimmy trash. You're a fucking idiot. That's not gross. It's gross. Not if you go to the place with Jimmy Cargos. I should have went to that place, but. Listen, how was it? It was great.

It was fun. I was very productive. I met a lot of cool people. Did you get a manager? I had a manager. I got an agent. You did. Who did you get?

William Morris. Ooh, the big one. The guy. So I mean, that's good, buddy. Got a development deal with Schwartz's deli And I'm very happy about that so I buy well glad to have you back on all right. Yeah, thanks man You got it. What do you got besides a fucking nothing resting shit face nothing catch me at the governors in Leviton brokerage in Belmoor all my guayers in Rancancoma the best clubs on the island They really are.

And that's it. I don't have any podcast and nothing. You should do a podcast. He did not have cable, but he had a podcast network. Yeah. He was amazing. He was like, I don't have cable, but I do have a podcast network. Watch mine.

So please let's say, watch me out. I will vacuum cleaner for the half an hour. Do you not understand how epic his podcast would be? The pauses in between fucking sentences. Today was a rough day. I got off of work and... Nothing was on TV. And then just a...

I couldn't watch Call Again. I have to go out and call Bingo. His podcast will be in book form. All right, settle down me. What do you got, Matt Fit? Whole lot of nothing. I don't know. What do you got me besides me coming up to see fucking perform?

Yeah, we got me. We got Robert Kelly coming to laugh it up at my honies in Pekipsi. And? I'm excited to come up, dude. I was a little fucking disappointed. I thought it was the old club, I was like, ah, fucking going to this place. And then I found that it's this whole new thing and it's fucking great. And I'm a big fan of the other place I played up there.

So we're taking over, baby. Good for you, man. That's yeah. You know, those people up there, they don't get, they don't get, because it's too far to come to the city. And there's really nothing up there, comedy-wise, and there should be. because there's a lot of great comedy fans

that a lot of ONA fans up there there's a lot of a necessity for it up there in between Albany and here there's nothing so good for you guys I'm excited to come up what do you got Deepu you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram R2D when I got a show August 15th at the mocking birds you can check that out Awesome check that out and now thank you for these cigars beautiful fucking Stokes I'm very excited about that. I always love getting fucking cigar Stokey gifts What do you got there? Perfect hair. Give me just at Chris Gopo Twitter Instagram All right listen you guys become is that that it? I wanna do your dates.

I'm a, become a premium member, go down on the app, YKWD podcast on Android or iPhone. And it's a free app, brand new, free app, sign up on there, $199 a month, and you become a premium member. All you guys have already done it, that's great. We got the creeps with kids show coming up, August 30th at the Village Underground.

That will be going on the premium channel along with a few of the one on ones that have been stacking up. We're going on there very soon. So I know that hasn't been that much content. Why am I paying for this? There will be. There's gonna be a lot of great stuff on there very soon. So thank you for joining the premium network

and make sure if you haven't and you're fan of the show, get the fuck on it. Support the show. $199 a month, premium members. Go do it now. Get the app. And also, what else? It's August 30th. The creeps with kids. It's going to sell out. I think it's halfway done already. It's Ron Beddington, you, bottom of the farm in Los J. Gomez and Jim Florentine. Check that out. That's August 30th. September 9th, the the two story tour and treehouse. Just go to my website. Right now, my tour is up there. I got a tour September October November December and it's

up there. It's rock venues. It's a couple theaters. A couple clubs. It's going to be a good time. Small places, big places, it's going to be a blast. So go to robocatedlive.com and if I'm coming to your thing, this is what your responsibility to me is, tell your friends, get people to buy tickets, spread the fuck of the world and do it now. So robocatedlive.com for that and that's it, right? I know. If you want to sit in on a show, just email ykwdproducer at

rikest.com. If you want to send something to the show, we can put it in the back. 7217 McDougal Street, 1-0012, Care of Robert Kelly. And tomorrow at 8am and Washington Square Park, if you listen to live, you want to be part of this This photo shoot we're doing so come on down. We'll be there just find us and that's it. This is a good show, man a lot of fun and You know, I mean you were good

I love the guy on the couch. It literally the guest had more energy than you I love the guy on the couch, the little guy, the guest, had more energy than you. The fuck, man. Are you gonna come back on again? Sure. Anytime. Well, I was not gonna carry it away. I was gonna have to hand up. No, no, no, no, anytime you wanna come on, just come on. So, you know, I'm a big fan of you. I'm a big fan of yours, and always happen. Alright, buddy.

I'll talk to you guys later. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, and then you know what, dude? I'll talk to you guys later. Thanks a lot. Thanks a listen and you know what day You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening Now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet and they're all free and they're all free con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, numentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan.

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