Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Rachel Feinstein | Double Hero

Episode Date: May 26, 2024

This week Bobby is joined by Rachel Feinstein, they talk about what it's like being married to a fireman, going on auditions, and having ADHD. Watch Rachel's Special Big Guy https://www.netflix.com/title/81691534 Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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There was everything I auditioned for. Not only was I awful, but I would like leave things there often. I would either take something by accident or leave something that they'd be like, is this your USB cord? Like some debris from my bag would be there. One time I was in an audition and I stole their bathroom key by accident. Like I just wasn't thinking and it was in my bag with a big piece of like driftwood on it. And I was just like, and I bought, I wasted their time.

This is blue blood. I was just like, I get home and he was like, what's blue bloods? And they're like, they called. And I was like, they called. I'm going to be in the picture. They're like, yeah, they want their bathroom. Now they said was on, was on a big piece of driftwood

so that some dumb bitch wouldn't take it. And the whole thing was in my bag. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody, to the show. YKWD. I started social media podcasting. The facts.

The YKW Dude Podcast. YKWD's back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. YKWD. This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God help you ruining this. Where's the bomb data, man?

Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. Original. Original.

Original. Original. What's up everybody? What's happening? It's YKW, you know what do? YKWD, we're still up here. Comedy Cellar Studios, they're making the new studios up here, they're coming along slowly,

but surely I'm very excited. I hope you guys are gonna love the new studios up here. They're coming along slowly, but surely I'm very excited. I hope you guys are gonna love the new studios. Thank you for being a member of the Patreon. If you're not a member of the Patreon, go to Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now and support the show over there. Don't be a loser. And if you're not gonna do that, because you're a nickel chaser,

hit subscribe and comment, you know, like. Do all that stuff that you do for because you're a nickel chaser. Hit subscribe and comment, you know, like do all that stuff that you do for shows you like and we got a great guest everybody. Max, who do we got? We got Rachel Feinstein. That was the best. Oh my god that was the best one yet. Max, he usually go we have Rachel Feinstein. He was excited. He was. He was excited. It's Rachel Feinstein, but nonetheless. He likes the ass. You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful. Was he happy? Aw, that's a dog. I'm still gonna internalize that as a compliment. It is a compliment. We were talking about that, about comments. Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not gonna lie.

Once in a while you see these comments, you know, and stuff, but I don't, I understand it now. It's a game. Everybody on social media, it's our, they're soap opera, and they're involved in our soap opera. It's all a soap opera, so they have to hate you, and they love her, and they like like him and they wanna kill that one.

And that helps them to feel relevant or alive. It's just they're part of it. Once we open ourselves up to the internet, social media, YouTube, podcasting, you have to know a hundred percent a Lot of people are gonna like you and a lot of people aren't there's no the problem with comics our thing and people actors You know they might think comments. I don't think musicians really give a fuck about this because they don't care

They're so egotistical and cool. Yeah, it's about the music man. I don't have. They're so f***ing egotistical and cool. It's like, man, it's about the music, man. I don't f***ing have time to read that stuff. I'm writing songs. We need a laugh every 30 seconds. Yeah, we're unwell. Unwell. I know. I could speak for myself. I mean, I'm holding a room of people, I mean, a room of people hostage just to get my final word about some dumb that happened to me like six months ago.

It's ridiculous. Comedy is ridiculous. It is such foolishness. And the other thing that got more ridiculous for us, which I think I love, but I hate, is that we have to do this. I know, I know. There's just so much.

You used to go on the Tonight Show. And I have to be alive? I mean. alive. I mean Live God I mean I have to go on lot like Instagram lot like there's just a lot of nonsense and then I don't know but it's You can't read the comments when I was still a nanny and I got on last comic standing I read the comments and I was like in a low-grade depression I was just laying down like some,

like some bitch with scarlet fever in the twenties. I was just in bed, just kind of like moist and confused. And like somebody had to tell me, oh no, no, no, no, you can't, you cannot visit that place. Because I'll develop brand new insecurities, like things that had never occurred to me. Like somebody wrote, wow, her knees, ouch. And now I like, I've gotten all these creams.

I'm like, my knees, I thought they were okay. Somebody wrote, your arms are fatter than last week. And that just ended me. Cause that means somebody's tracking my arm fat. How do you not just kill yourself? Like it's over. So yeah, you can't, you can't. One of the meanest things I've ever heard said

on the internet. Your arms are fatter than last week is amazing. That guy wants me to die of an eating disorder. Like he wants me to end myself. He's tracking my arm fat. It's, here's the thing about it, Ray. It's a necessary thing, but we used to just do stand-up. We used to go on stage and come off,

and the results of that is how we got fans. And then you would have the industry with the gatekeepers. Now, these anonymous people are the gatekeepers, because they can give you Fans can give you fame Yeah, without asking Netflix or you know HBO or whoever the show There's no more like I'm gonna be in the pictures. No, it's not like that anymore Yeah, but you're lucky in Mississippi teenager is gonna tell me I have a man voice and I'm gonna believe it

That's what's gonna happen. You say a low, let me tell you something, I wake up in the morning, sometimes I cannot, I will not look at my phone. Because I did it one time, I had such a great day the day before, I mean, Jesus Christ, I think we, I woke up, I think I made French toast for everybody and we had breakfast and then we went out for a hike

and then I think Max had a game and then we came back and then we were in the backyard. I think I smoked a cigar. And then we had dinner, we had a barbecue. We went in, we watched a movie, we had snacks. And I went to bed early and I woke up I think at like 630 yeah and I literally I was like all right cool and I went like this I was like and I read a comment and it I was like why I didn't do nothing to you like yeah like all of it was taken away

from some dude who said something about something that I did on something and he would comment it, but he had to put me in it because he had to let me know that this is what he thought of my thing on this. And I was like, I was just trying to make, you know what I mean, little like, I was just trying to make, you know what I mean, little Bobby, I was just trying to make you laugh. I want everybody to be happy.

I never had a family. I never had a family. And if I could make you my family, it's like, we got families. We got families now, that's the other thing too. I can't teach my daughter to read like that. Your arms are fatter than last week. No, forget about it.

Yeah, little Frankie Tanky can't read that. Yeah, I gotta figure it out now. And the thing is I gotta not look at this. I can't look at this. Yeah, you got to make me. You got a special coming out too. It's out today. It's out right now.

Big guy on Netflix, which is what my husband calls me. That's why I've also married an emotional desert. But yeah, he goes. First of all, I love your husband. Your husband's my husband calls me. That's why I've also married in emotional desert. But yeah, he calls me. First of all, I love your husband. Your husband's my type of guy. He loves you. He is, let me tell you something. If you live closer, he'd be in my cigar club

and me and him every night would be tugging bats, watching Deal or No Deal on the TV. That's his favorite story is about how Bobby gave him like a nice fat stick and he always tells everybody the firehouse, how he gave him the Perdomo reserves. Perdomo, champagne, he's like it was very classy, you know? And he's got a very successful guy, he's got a nice podcast, he's doing all these

and then he brings me some reserves like that, classics, classics. I love him, he's my type of guy. He is like a very, like when he calls me big guy, I don't think he realized, you were the first one that told me like I should talk about that on stage because I was genuinely like really upset about it. And Bobby's like, you gotta start telling people this.

He would follow me around the house going, she's my big guy, she's my big guy. He's like, come on, you're fine, you're big guy. And Bobby's the one who told me to talk about it on stage because I was so upset. He's like, come on, you're fun, you're big guy. And Bobby's the one who told me to talk about it on stage because I was so upset. He's like, you don't see how funny that is. But yeah, he just doesn't, you know, he's at a firehouse.

It's like, he doesn't know, he's emotionally, yeah. You know, we come from comedy, we come from show business, it's a different. Yeah, he's never even been to LA before. Those guys I grew up with. Those are the guys I grew up with, that type of guy. Those are my uncles from Boston. No, come here, dude.

I've always lived between two worlds. Comedy, like this comedy world, which we live, which we bust balls, we make fun of each other. But there's a certain type of respect that we have, but then there's the everyday guy world, which is worse. Like those, you know, the things. I mean, Pete cares about like lawn mowers.

Like for him, a good story is like, you know, guess who got the same lawn mower? And that's the end of the story. That's the whole thing. And he's done and he can go to bed with his belly full. You know, I'm so worried you're gonna get some unflattering like. No, he's only getting.

Thanks. I'm gonna be directing this. Like what a fun I am. We'll never do anything. We make you look bad. It's so funny to me, Ray, you're so beautiful. Oh, I mean I. But we all have these things.

Yeah, I don't believe that at all. Why would I do this? Why would I be fucking, I mean, I- But we all have these things. Yeah, I don't believe that at all. Why would I do this? Why would I be fucking, I mean, I shoot on the road like this, it's disgusting. If I believed any of those things, I wouldn't be gallivanting around saying, all manner of fucking filth to anyone that'll listen. It's not good, I'll tell you that.

A lot of things went wrong. My mom is here right now, and we just had a party for my daughter at school yesterday, like a little birthday party. And my mom put in her goodie bag, I go, mom, can you just get stickers for Frankie for her goodie bag?

I got most of this stuff. I just need a few things. I said, just stickers and like some candy that's not like, that little toddler could eat. My mom comes back with stickers of pieces of shit, like poop stickers, okay? What? And I go, mom, I can't use this.

It's poop, she goes, well, Rachel, it's frosting. It's not frosting, mom, it's shit. And we're on our way over to Frankie's school right now. And this is what I was raised by. My mom goes, well, I do my damn best, but I guess everything I do is wrong. And then she starts weeping, so I'm like holding her. I've always felt emotionally responsible

for everybody in my life. And then I had to put them in there just to make her feel better. I gave out shit stickers to her glass. And like blow pops, yes. Because my mom was weeping. I guess I've done everything wrong. It's just, she's a lot.

She means really well. But it's just, I've always felt emotionally responsible for everybody. And I believe everybody else's version So I'm I'm getting stronger though. I'm big guy now. I'm not going back. I somebody needs to cut me off you guys I have no end to this whatever point I'm trying to make. Thank you. Right, right. Yes, Bobby Don't do that. It's one of my favorite things in the world. It's literally one of my favorite things in the world every time you do it Some the thing in me that's like,

fuck you, go fuck yourself, shuts off. And I'm just like this, hello. It is. Bobby came from the wrong side of the tracks. That's right. Why, when he was just a young man, he was sent away to live on a terrible farm where there were all kinds of criminals and drug addicts

and real naughty people that were just like Bobby because Bobby's a bad boy. Do you think those farm that farm made him any better? No he got even better and then he and then he had more pussy after that. He got all the pusses in the land after going to that terrible farm. He was never the same again. He had to wear leather after that. That was leather jacket Bobby after he went off Even the cows did heroin there even the cows were on heroin Rachel's Rachel's best was on Netflix right now

Now is the because I saw some of the promos for it is Is it about what, is there a theme thing or what is it? It is about being married to a fire chief and his family and my family. So I've always liked people of very opposite backgrounds. Like I talk about this in a special. My mom is like aggressively liberal. She would have preferred if I married a genderless Kenyan composter, which is in the special.

Speaking of comments, I read a comment where somebody was like, this is the most racist joke, it's anti Kenyan composter, which is in the special. Speaking of comments, I read a comment where somebody was like, this is the most racist joke, it's anti-Kenyan. I'm like, what the fuck is that? What the fuck? For the love of God. Stop reading comments. I know, look at me. Stop.

What I do to myself. Shut. I need a bad boy like Bobby to lay down some rules. Bobby'll tell me what's right and wrong. Problem is I'm a dizzy bitch at the end of the day and I need a man to make rules for me. I ought to go to the lobotomy factory. Have a big chunk of my brain taken out.

Serves me right for thinking and reading the paper like a slut. Only real whores read the paper. As for men that smoke fat bats and sticks and use words like stick Okay, what were we talking about? Right. You gave me a headache. You gave me a headache.

I don't even know. Oh, yeah, so it's Oh, it's special, sorry. It was it's about my life now, which is Pete is a chief So I'm married to this battalion chief and half my life is going to be like. You bomb chief? Fuck no. What do you call him?

You call him Pete? You have no nicknames for him? Come on. Pete, I tried to get like something started when he would call me big guy and like just call him frightened bitch or something, but it couldn't really stick cause he's like a fireman, you know, like yeah.

Frightened bitch don't work. It doesn't work cause he's like. He goes into fires. Yeah, he goes into fires and he loves it too. That's what Nikki calls Norton. You frightened bitch. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. He goes into fires. Yeah, he goes into fires. And he loves it too. That's what Nicky calls Norton. You frightened bitch. It didn't work.

It can't work. And then he promised me when he became chief that he would stop going to the fires. And he said that you don't go into the fires anymore and you kind of direct them from the outside. But then fucking three weeks ago he goes into this fire in Bushwick. I was calling him all night. He was in the fire. And now he's on medical leave because he hurt his arm a little bit.

Then he comes home. He's like, it was awesome. I got to knock down all these walls. It was fucking solid. It was a good job. But yeah, he's still going in. But, but a lot of my life now that he's a battalion chief, it's like, you know, these FDNY like Stanton Island dinner dances and, And here I am just fucking saying all manner of poor shit

about my husband. At first I hated it. And now I am very grateful because the reason that I have a Netflix special is just me inside of this world, like it's like, it's insane. You know, like we, I mean, and I lean into it because I like characters and stuff. So like, you know, we had our wedding in Staten Island, you know, it was just

like, I'm like, fuck it, let's just go all in, you know, and Pete bought a house with Bitcoin and half the guys that fix it are firefighters that are in no way equipped to do any jobs in our house. But it's all illegal. It's all going to burn down someday. He's going to have to put it down. He's going to have to put his own house out. Yeah. They're always like riding some equipment

in my backyard. I just lean into it all now because they are their characters. And I've always kind of liked people very opposite. My family is very like opposite backgrounds, opposite ways of thinking. Like his family, they talk about like purchases, you know, like what you bought at Costco,

where you're gonna get it cost. They talk about groceries. Talk about about getting frozen shrimp at BJ's, and that is fucking the end of it. Nobody discusses anything else. My mom talks about like racial suffering. You know, my mom wants to talk about just darkness. So you can't put them together. Trauma.

You can't have family parties. Well, my mom is obsessed with his mom because my mother-in-law is Colombian, and my mom is like so just, she just loves to talk to anybody that's not white. So when my mom's talking to my mother-in-law is Colombian, and my mom is like so just, she just loves to talk to anybody that's not white. So when my mom's talking to my mother-in-law, I think her inner monologue is just like, I'm talking to a Colombian,

like she's so excited and vicarated, yeah. So she loves that he, that his mom's Colombian, I think. And- Is she from, like, you know, speaks? She's Colombian, Colombian, yes. How, do you have an accent? Yes, yes. She talks like she's- She always says, I beg Peter, I say, don know, speaks Colombian. How do you have an accent? Yes. She says, I beg Peter.

I said, don't be a fireman. I said, don't do that to your mom. I said, you do business and he did business for two months. And then he says, mommy, I want to be a fireman. And I cried for six months. She always says that I cried for six months. But my mother-in-law is a character. But my mom, my mom loves it.

My mom wants to be, you know. So they can hang out together. Yeah. My mom likes his family a lot. I mean, there have been a few times where my mom has talked about systematic racism to his dad and said that they had a really wonderful conversation. She's like, wait, you know, we really bonded.

His dad walked away. Systematic. Dizzy brush nuts. Yeah, exactly. She's like, Joe and I had a wonderful conversation. She's like, wait, you know, we really bonded. Or we were systematic. His dead walked away with his dizzy brush nuts. Yeah, exactly. She's like, Joe and I had a wonderful conversation about racism and COVID-19. I'm like, no, Joe isn't listening to a word you were saying. Like, there's no way he in any way has any opinions about any of this.

But my mom just needs an audience. And then she sort of just leans in. Does your mom like your comedy? She does. I feel like when I talk about how my mom wants to be black and how she's very, she just has all this white guilt and you know. Why?

I think because her dad was extremely conservative, like where if you had an opinion at the dinner table, you were called a commie rat, which is hilarious. Anybody's own daughters, imagine calling your own daughters commies. I think her dad was so strict, it was like you were an American or you shut the fuck up. I like them. And then she went the other direction, you know, all the way the other direction and I'm pretty much, I'm way more in the middle. And then I was like, that's too much for me.

But Pete's family is definitely much more conservative. My dad's a civil rights lawyer. My parents were very, they were progressive, but they were also like, they did things. They weren't just complaining to complain. My mom's also a social worker. She's a good person. My dad's a prosecutor. They weren't so liberal complaining to complain. My mom's also a social worker. She's a good person. My dad's a prosecutor.

You know, they weren't so liberal that they like, they believed in like. So your parents had like, I mean, how the fuck did they feel that you're doing? I mean, you're killing it. You know, from when I met you, we're all young comics just doing spots. Bobby was about to say, how the fuck did your parents feel

that you turned out to be like a trash comic? But he was like, what, you're doing super? No, because you to do stand up to come from a civil rights lawyer, professional parents, they're probably like, you probably went to good schools, you got good grades, here she is, she's going to go at it. And all of a sudden, hi, you know, at some open mic, they must be like, oh, fuck me. Because I think about that with Max. I don't want Max to do stand-up. I'd rather Frankie's a firefighter than just stand up. Oh, I'd love it if Max was a firefighter. I would love it, any type of job like that.

No, I feel the same way. But I think for my parents, they knew, first of all, very early on that I was not going to go to college because my grades were so horrific. Like, I got D's, F's. So they would already been like, they'd been bumped up on the emails. They that there was no they didn't even you weren't a good student? I didn't even apply to college no I really I was terrible I was

getting D's and F's from from when I was in like sixth grade I was always in detention I was always in trouble. What do you got? You got something? I'm just like you had ADHD People say they have ADHD but I have it. What do you mean you have it and people don't? because a lot of people it's popularized but I have it. What do you mean you have it and people don't? Because a lot of people, it's popularized, but Bobby, if you spend one afternoon with me and you see how things are like falling out of my purse everywhere and I lose a different card, yeah.

Oh no, I know you. Many people have said that I'm the worst case thing. You 100% have it. You have it to where you know, when somebody, I knew you had it before you knew you had it, before you were probably diagnosed with it, you had it. But it's not, you were never annoying with it. But I mean, if you live with me, I drive you crazy.

I leave, I shed everything everywhere. Every time I get like a, now I have it on my phone, but we used to get boarding passes, like a paper boarding pass, I would lose it before I got to the gate, always. And I still, every time I leave my hotel room, lose the key and then I need a new key. Like I just like. I think my wife has it then.

Yeah, I have all day long. I don't know what the fuck is going on. So I couldn't, yeah, I am a dizzy bitch. So like in school, first they thought I had something called figure ground. My mom was like, she was always on the phone about me with like other clinicians or whatever. She's like, she's got figure ground.

It's where you can't tell the difference between one person speaking and a sea of voices. She was always up whispering, I know what it is with Rachel. I think I figured it out. And there was just always different theories. Everybody in the neighborhood was involved too. There was like way too much open discussion about why I was a deep moron.

Like they were all like, and my mom would always whisper with this very smart parent, it was like a psychiatrist and she was always on with David discussing what it could be. And she's like, well, you know what I did notice is she doesn't look at you right in the eye. I'm like, I do look at you in the eyes, mom. But if you weren't telling me I'm an idiot all day,

maybe I would make more eye contact. But there was always just some sort of theory she was cooking up about me. And I was always in, scanned, I was always getting scanned. Scanned for what, like the head? The head scans, like EEGs. Now is this making more sense why I do this? I saw you figure it all out.

Yeah, I was laying down, getting scanned, Bobby. Like suction cups on my head. Because everybody was like, what in God's name is wrong with this girl? And so- But it doesn't look it. I know you because you're a comic and I'm a comic. You have this, we all are fucking twisted.

Sure. We all have, I don't know any comic that's righteous or normal. No. Not one. No, that ship sailed long ago for me, my friend. I mean, it's fucking nuts. Yeah. But in the last couple years, Ray, you seem to have kind of been going on your own and

doing it on your own. You know, we all have like help from friends, but now you've got your own special on Netflix by yourself. How did this, how did you get, how did you get in with Netflix and sell them this idea? When did they be like, did they come to you or did you have to go to them? Did you have to sell it or were they just into it?

Well, Joanne Grigioni has been a long time friend of mine and a supporter. And so she was somebody that put me on television for the very first time when I was still a nanny and I was still bartending, you know. And so she always, she produced one of my last specials. So that was a relationship that I had for a long time and then Schumer and Dan Powell signed on to produce it too and then basically Netflix, Dan has a

first look deal with Netflix so they kind of were able to... Who is it Dan? Dan Powell he produces Inside Amy Schumer and a lot of things for Amy. And he's also a really good guy. And so it was like a team of people that had to, you know, green light this. But I worked on this hour probably for like, you know, for years and years. But it took obviously, you know, Amy and Dan and all these different people involved in getting it to be where it's at and the director, Gillian Loeb, so I was lucky to get it.

Where was it shot? It was shot at Sony Hall. Oh, that's great. So yeah, I like it because it has like low ceilings and it feels like a comedy club. That's what Keith did his. Yeah, but it looks like it, but it feels big. So there was a lot of people that had to get it,

but Joanne has watched the material and also been like supportive for a long time. So it's weird. Joanne, for people who don't know, she was the head, her and Anne Harris were the heads of Comedy Central for a long time. And they, yeah, they would always, I felt bad too,

cause they would bring me in for a lot of things. Me too, I wouldn't get any of it. And I would just fail. They would bring me in for like, I remember. Me too, I would never get any of it. And I would just fail. They would bring me in for like, I remember they brought me in. I don't know how many times I've failed in front of Ann Harris, who's like the fucking coolest lady in the world. Yeah.

They brought me in for animation series. God, I've wasted years of her life. I was just doing me. You know what I mean? I was like, hey dude. By the way, Bobby, you gave me the thing that people ask me about more than anything else, which is Grand Theft Auto.

Oh, yeah, that was from Bobby. That was Lazlo. You just called me one afternoon and you were like, hey, do you want to do a voice for Grand Theft Auto? And I swear to God that people ask me more about that than anything I've ever done in my career. That's fucking crazy. That's Rockstar Video.

Lazlo was a big fan of Comedy Cell. The guys from Rockstar used to come here. I remember one New Year's, they were like, yo dude, we love comedy, but we do this thing, Rockstar videos, like, yeah, yeah, it's nice. Nice to meet you, dude, great to meet you. And then they became the biggest people in the world. Red Dead Redemption, Grand Theft, all those,

and they were still cool as shit, and they used to bring us all in to do the voiceovers for that. That was back in the day. Yeah, by the way, like, if you, I got everything like that through my friends. There was everything I auditioned for, not only was I awful,

but I would like leave things there often. I would either take something by accident or leave something there. They'd be like, is this your USB cord? And like some debris from my bag would be there. One time I was in an audition and I stole their bathroom key by accident. Like I just wasn't thinking and it was in my bag

with a big piece of like driftwood on it. And I was just like, and I bought, I wasted their time. This is blue bloods. Blue bloods. I was in, what's blue bloods? And they're like, they called and I was like, they called. I'm going to be in the picture. They were like, yeah, they want their bathroom. Now they said was on was on a big piece of driftwood so that some dumb bitch wouldn't

take it. And the whole thing was in my bag. And I like, I didn't know. I used to take the home phone. I was staying with these two girlfriends of mine, still close with, they're all roommates in Astoria. I was like 23. And I was like, we were talking recently

about living together in that time. And I was like, I don't remember that much. And my friend's like, I do remember you would always take the home phone. And that was hard because a lot of people, like we kind of needed it at that point. Like not that many people had like cell phones all the time. And she's like, and you would just take the home phone every day. She was like, it was really annoying. She was like, you were pretty fun overall,

but I just wish that you had. It's so funny. Hey, I got to use the phone. Rachel took it. You just took a home phone. Like it was this, got to use the phone. Rachel took it. You just took a home phone. You made a cell phone before? I would exhaust and infuriate my roommates so bad. I remember one of my friends, I came home one day and every light in the apartment was off. She just had one lamp on. She was just shaking her head.

And I'm like, what did I do? I almost set our house on fire. Not funny. He's always like, you just say it wouldn't be fucking hilarious. If I burn the fucking house down. As I just made battalion chief, I just kind of left the gas on. I didn't realize it. I thought I turned it off the gas. I thought I turned it off. You guys doing my best. How do you how do you turn the needless to say, nobody's going to find that very fucking

amusing. I mean, I just, I don't know. I thought I turned it off. I don't, I, that's why I don't drive because I'm afraid that I would kill someone. You don't have a driver's license. I have one, but I haven't driven in so many years. Cause now that I have a daughter, I'm like, what if I make it, something goes wrong. I can't like, I'm too dizzy to drive. I'm just like, I'd like rather take Uber. It's safer for everyone. I take Ubers and I put a little car seat in it.

Whenever he's at the firehouse, I just take the car seat and put it in the Uber. And the whole family is so confused by this. Do they like you at the firehouse? I think they like me. I think I'm sure that I also- I saw your video. You did it when you were working out.

That DIY box that worked out. Your outfit was fucking atrocious. I wore an aerobic size outfit just to annoy them. Yeah, you wore it from the 80s. It was breaking, like break dancing aerobic videos. It was so bright and you had a fucking, one of those fanny packs on. And these guys are just guy guys and you come down, hey fellas.

And they're like, yeah, like they don't even have that. I asked them to make a training video with me and I thought it'd be really funny if I went into the bathroom. It just came out in full 80s aerobic scare and like leg warmers. Did you bring it up? And fluorescent tights. It's fucking, when you walked out, I'm like, why? They don't, they don't deserve this. No, they don't. I think I annoy the shit out of them,

but I think they get a kick out of it at the same time, because at the special was all of my husband's bosses, like it was like the commissioner, everybody. This is how I get him to pay attention to me. I get his entire, I got like a quarter of the FDNY in the audience so that he would give me a compliment. Here's the thing, you look fantastic right there. I thought it would be funny if I changed into this.

This is, I'm a comic first. How funny is this? This is great. This is exactly what they want. Let's do it, Ray. Let's get it done. Fucking Shredded Boys? Red boys and then, ugh.

Oh my god. They don't understand what to do. It doesn't make sense. I thought it would be so funny if I dressed like Kate. Fucking Fonda. Look at the guy next to you. But I'm a mother. And I was like, of course, I'll do the movie.

Topless? What the hell? You call me fat, my little friend? He's like, you called yourself fat. They're going to be like, I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going to be fat. I'm going mother. And I was like, of course, Sazy, of course I'll do the movie. Topless? What the hell? You call me fat, my little friend?

He's like, you called yourself fat. They, no, they, I think that because I talk about being married to a firefighter, now, on the road, at least a quarter of my audience is all firefighter families or first responder families. They bring me their challenge coins. They bring me all kinds of presents, t-shirts for me and Pete. They can laugh at anything. They're not woke. They don me their challenge coins. They bring me all kinds of presents, t-shirts for me and Pete. They can laugh at anything. They're not woke.

I'm telling you, man. They're great. Firefighters are the best. They are. I mean, like, I love to be a general moron and talk a lot of shit about being married to a fireman, but they can take a fucking joke. And the thing they have in common with comedians, besides the fact that we're the real heroes no we are we make the heroes laugh who does that yeah we make the hero smile and that's a hard thing to do we're hero heroes you're a double hero you're a hero hero I was on my we were on our way to for our honeymoon and I had an argument with my husband about how I was like, I'm going to give you the window seat for this

leg of the flight because we're going to Bora Bora. And I said that that was the ultimate sacrifice to get the window seat. You mean the guy who goes into burning buildings? And he's like, that is not the ultimate sacrifice. I'm like, what do you mean it's not? Of course it is. It's a cross country flight. To a like, that is not the ultimate sacrifice. I'm like, what do you mean it's not? Of course it is. It's a cross-country flight. To a hero's hero, it's a sacrifice.

I'm like, come on. To a hero's hero, it is. I really like that term. But yeah, it's a lot of. We actually have a couple of videos, because people forget that firefighters are heroes in other ways. Listen, man, firefighters, let me tell you something.

They are heroes. And people do forget that. 9-11 was great. But you know what? They do other stuff besides just fighting fire. I don't think you that but 9-eleven was great but you know what they do other stuff besides just fine 11 was great I don't think that's what you know is a pause that cut that 9-eleven was fantastic because no what it did is it made us remind us that firefighters are good the best before that we were honey now I They, no, it's insane what they do. What they do is nuts.

It's absolutely insane. Here's the thing. It's so funny because in other countries, they don't have this. They don't have firefighters. When there's like an earthquake or a natural disaster, you see residents. Regular people have to run and help other,

help pick buildings off of people. If you watch like the earthquake footage, right? I mean, certain countries. I would say that none of them have firefights. I'm saying like South America. I was watching the, there was an earthquake. It was ignorant. There was, there was.

Like, no, no, they only got buckets. Listen to me. Unless you're in the US, all they have is a fucking bucket. There was, there was. Like no, no, they only got buckets. Listen to me. Unless you're in the US, all they have is a fucking bucket. Listen, I'm telling you. I'll say this, nobody's as big of a deal as FDNY. Let me tell you this. Let me just say this.

In this country, men, we run that way. We run, as soon as something happens, we leave. Oh yeah. In like third world countries, they don't have firefighters and all that shit. They have to go do this shit themselves, go pick a building off of somebody. If you see us, I'm going that way, while your husband and though we have to hire men. Yeah. We have to hire men to be men in this country.

That's true. Because a lot of us are like, yeah man, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. That ain't my business. No, I mean it's true. It's absolutely true. I mean you don't have to sell me on that. That's because a lot of us are like, yeah, man, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. That ain't my business No, I mean, it's true. It's absolutely true. I mean, you don't have to sell me on that. That's my type I before Pete I was dating an FBI agent. I just yeah Yeah, like alpha male like a finished product you like anybody who works for me You don't like guys who giggle You don't like anybody who works for me. I don't like a guy. You don't like guys who giggle. You don't like that shit.

Listen, you don't want that. You don't want it. It's just so opposite of what I come from. Yeah, I like a guy that's not like, you know, that doesn't like mess his hair up and spritz it that way. I like a dusty guy that's not like fucking shaving his fucking stomach and shit. Let it all be.

Yeah, right. You like that. And yeah, exactly. Well, let's show the video. This is these. We have a couple of videos of firefighters being heroes, but not saving in fire. Yeah, they're heroes, man. Show this shit.

This is firefighters, man. I love firefighters. Yeah, they do save a lot of. I mean, look at this. Aw. Look at that shit. Cats. Pete delivered a baby with his buddy.

Really? Put your headphones on. Oh, shit. Yet he couldn't put his hand on my back when I was having one. Oh, put your headphone on. I want to hear this. ...apartment building in Russia,

where fire had broken out. Oh, my God. He's saving a cat. Look at this guy. ...donor looks on as firefighters where fire had broken out. Oh my God, he's saving a cat. Look at this guy. The donor looks on as firefighters try to resuscitate her loved one. The cat was given oxygen and a chest massage. Alright.

When the cat breathed on its own, it was returned to its owner. What else you got? That's crazy. What's this one? Yeah. Look at this. Is this it, Danny? Yes. What's this one? Look at this. Is this it Danny? Yes. Rachel watch this.

This is, I mean this is what you. Sorry one second. Controversial video. What is it? Well I know I'm already turned on. What I want to say right now is thank you for your service, boys. You're married to a man.

These guys are heroes. San Jose Fire Department taking a lot of heat tonight after a stunning social media post. The video appears to show a woman in a tiny bikini getting out of a fire truck that had sirens running and walking into a strip club. NBC News' David Thurman broke the story on Twitter this morning and joins us from outside.

All right, get to the video, you fucking autistic asshole. There is no official explanation as to what is happening in that video. Here next to the pink poodle, it's mixed reaction. The pink poodle is terrific. But the common thread is one of shock The video was posted on Instagram it appears to show a San Jose fire engine for parked outside the With its emergency light

Opens and the woman gets out wearing nothing, but a bikini You gotta love these guys That's funny. God bless. It went from a kitten to that. That was the extent of their research. That was amazing. Yeah, I mean Danny's the worst. I told him to get 9-11 footage and really heroic shit

and then go to this and he got a Russian cat that nobody gives a fuck about and then made us watch a fucking idiot give a cat CPR for four minutes. That was... I mean, you're just a dumb person sometimes. I will say. She said she has ADHD.

She can focus for three seconds at a time. And you made us watch. She literally going on her phone, halfway through your fucking video, Danny. I apologize. Well, I wanted to just pull up the stripper video immediately. Yeah, and it wouldn't have worked

Anyways the pink poodle is a great name for a strip club though. I will say it's also a great name for a vagina The pink poodle if it's Harry Right Nice big Harry box. That's my pink poodle Porn used to be like in like magazines? Like it would be like a story. Yeah. I was living with, I mean,

I moved to New York with this guy and he had like magazine porn. It would be like a short story. It'd be like, and it would always start with a girl like having a good job. It would be like, she was a working girl by day. She ran an entire floor, but it was just like, I mean, by 5 PM she was just guzzling a seat bag.

And always had to start out how respected she was. Everyone looked up to her and listened for her opinions on any side and then it would just be like, well at the end of the day she was on her hands and knees. Wasn't she? I saved a couple playboys for Max. Oh, it's disgusting, Bobby. Throw them away, it's too weird.

You could say it's not disgusting. It's part of life. At one point he's gonna be a man and he's gonna wanna do that and I mean, For Max. That's disgusting, Bobby. Throw them away. It's too weird. You could say it's not disgusting. It's part of life. At one point, he's going to be a man and he's going to want to do that. And I'd rather ease him into sex than I don't want him going on the internet. I know what you're getting at, but you can't control it.

He should find his own magazine. If my son's going to masturbate, I'm going to choose what he's going to masturbate to. It's not. I'll tell you why, because I'd rather have him have like an old playboy which is has some type of, then going to his phone. History to it, were you gonna say? No, cause the, let me finish. Going to the phone, there's too much. You oughta punch me right in the face. You know what? I deserve to get clocked right now. Because the, uh, it's too much. You go to the internet, you type in porn, all of it comes up. I agree. I don't want him to be overwhelmed of what you're saying that. Yes. The porn, all of it's too much.

Someday where he's like, dad, I'm gonna, I was mastiff. It's like, that's gonna happen. That's, that's where I have a problem with the story when he goes dad I think about my dick right now. You're not gonna talk to your kid about that? No, I think it's fucked up. I think it's good talk to your kid. You should absolutely I didn't get talked to as a kid I learned from other kids and porn which fucked me up sexually forever. I'm still unwinding that shit I know you're getting and if I'm just being a comic but I get what you're getting and you're a very good dad. Winding that shit. I know you're getting and if I'm just being a comic but I get what you're getting And you're very much someone who came to me and said and I'm man what you're feeling is natural You're not a fucking weirdo and you're not this is this is gonna happen because look this is part of sex

I already talked to him about sex and stuff like that. He's asked and I'm like, yeah, dude that happens He was like how what are you gonna do dad? why does my penis stick up? I'm like, nobody told me why. I just had a heart on one day and I was like sucking my friend off and I'm like, no, I'm kidding. I. My stars. No, I get why you do it.

You have to talk to them about it. No, I think it's good to talk to them about it. Did your parents even talk to you about that? My mom put a book on my bed. It was called All About My Body Book for Girls. Put a vibrator on my bed. And then we started Orgasm Journal. Did she really give you a book?

She gave me a book. Yeah. And I would just look at the book. You know what? Maybe I should start with a book. Maybe I started with the wrong book. Yeah. I think you're right. Can you get that book for me?

It was called All About My Body Book for Girls and it had like a tit chart in it and it showed each stage of kiddage. Stage one, stage two, stage three, and all I did was look at that tit chart and then try to get cleavage. Like I'd take this little like spandex top and try to like, all I cared about was the tit chart.

I didn't look at any of the rest of this shit and I asked my mom why she was at stage one and just stayed there. I was like, but wait, you never got to stage two. I probably should look and see if there's a book. On the can chart. But that's gonna be weird too. What if he's jerking off to some book? My penis, my body.

I think that we all over correct whatever we experienced. So my mom was just all up in my shit. I mean, the book, not actually about sex, but about everything else. She just put the book on my bed. That was kind of the extent of it. but she, everything else, she was just sort of leaning in like overly, you know, like where I felt like I didn't have any privacy and she came from the opposite. So I feel like it's just, I never had, I never had,

no one came. I never had a very accessible dad. You're always there and he knows he can talk to you and it's, it's wonderful. Really? I'd like to give you some more shit right now, but it's good. I want to do the same thing. I just think that if like, I know that, um, with what they, I didn't have, we didn't grow up with what they had. I had, uh, the body book for girls. I thought it was called all about my body. I feel uncomfortable looking at this.

Can we put that? I don't think it was cause there About My Body Book. I feel uncomfortable looking at this. Can we get that over here? I don't think it was, because there was a, is there a Ted chart in it? I'm not gonna give Max, there's a woman shaving her pubes. I'm gonna give Max this and I'm gonna be like, this is what you do. That's a little confusing. Why is she shaving in the toilet?

I don't think I've ever done it. Is that not why you do it? Why is the little girl shaving her pubes? Why would you do that? Oh, she's inserting a tampon, she's not shaving. God damn it. You guys are so dumb. I'm fucking gonna throw my phone at her. I think it was called all about my body book. Can you Google that? I don't know. Why? Many, many, many, many years

ago. Is she stripping? Why is she shaving your balls? I'm in my late seventies. I don't know. It was a long time ago. It's a tampon. With the tamp cartoon away, please. Yeah, can you? I feel weird. These. Well maybe there is a book that I can get back. Wait was there all about my body? Was that what it was called? Or am I just remembering it?

This book is 20 years old. I don't see any more tampons in certain. It was not that one. Something about my body book for girls. And it was like there was one for girls and there was one for boys. Is there one for guys? Yeah it was like for boys and girls. Yeah. But I just you have to make sure he doesn't do what I do. Which is just went right to that tit chart. and it was like there was one for girls and there was one for boys. Is there one for guys? Yeah, it was like for boys and girls, yeah.

But I just, you have to make sure he doesn't do what I do, which is just went right to that tit chart and that's all I cared about is to see what stage my tits were. Maybe I'll just give him that so he can go to the tit chart and be like, what tits he likes. Yeah, and then maybe he'll beat off to the tit chart actually. That'll be better than a playboy.

I would be fine with that. I just get nervous because of all, it's all out there like that. It's not- I'm terrified. Honestly, I can't even tell you how terrified I am of phones and everything and all of it. It's horrifying.

Yeah. When we wanted to watch porn, we had to go buy, steal a magazine or go buy one. It was terrifying. You couldn't just get a magazine. There was no video tapes. No, you had to round up all those horses and I Had to sell hey, I said one day I was going to get my porn and this guy sold me beans

I took these beans For some reason I just pictured you growing up with the wild was because your childhood sounded so fucked up I did I was I actually had a psychic tell me that I was, I've always felt that I was a cowboy. I was- Can we play some music for this, you guys? I swear to God, I always, and I told Dawn this, I go, I was in the past life, I was a cowboy. I can't believe Dawn didn't smack you in your face.

So, she goes, so I went to a- That's what Dawn has to listen to. I went to a psychic. It's not like I'm leaving the gas on and killing everybody. I'm just boring her with my stories. Fair, that's fair. She uh, she, I went to a psychic and she said, let me ask you this Bobby. She goes like this. She goes like.

Oh I know who it is. It's bad boy Bobby. It's bad Bobby. Oh, I heard he's from the wrong side of them damn tracks. Bobby, put your headphones in. He's as naughty as the day is long. There he is. That's bad boy Bobby, all right.

I heard some rumors that he had a Jew cousin, but I never thought he'd look at me in the eyes like this. Oh shit, he's walking towards me. He just came around the store just the other day. I think he stole five packs of sticks, big fat ones. I just want Bobby to touch me. Sorry. Hey, what are you doing in these parts, young lady? I'm Bas Bad Boy Bobby and I'm here to take what's mine and leave what ain't. You look like a young filly I used to know in San Francisco.

My name is Rachel O'Feynstein and I'm a nice Catholic cowgirl. You sound like a Jew to me. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth Bobby, you don't know nothing about our suffering or what we've been through. Get over here, girl. All right. That was delightful, but I think it's a wrap. I think it's a wrap.

I don't regret it. I'll say that. We, uh. I would do anything to hear that conversation Bobby and Don in bed. She's just starting to snore, and he's like, I always felt like I shouldn should have been a girl. This is the conversation we had.

I was like, I went to a psychic and she told me I was a cowboy. She goes, really? What kind of cowboy? And I went, she goes, we were gunslinger? And I go, no, I was a bartender. And my friend, my friend committed suicide. Oh no.

Yeah, in the 1800s I was alive as a, I was a bartender in a town and my friend committed suicide and he watches over me now. And that's why I've never, even in the hardest of times, I've never caught. Given up.

Caught. I. He tried. She went like this. She went. I remember she goes, that's a good story. Ha ha ha ha. She goes, do you want meatloaf tonight?

Or you want chicken thighs? Ha ha ha. This is exactly Pete. I always try to get him like, thinking about something and he's just like, yeah, right. Anyway, he wants to talk about steak bits. That's all he wants to talk about. I love steak bits. Yeah. He's like, yeah, what do you think? I have to get about steak bits. What's a steak bit? When I look at him, there's never like, he's never

like having, it's never anything but that. You know what I'm saying? Like he's, he's not contemplating anything. You know, when you go back to the first moments where you met somebody, you're like, I thought this and he thought that. You know what he was thinking about? Stigbis and fucking taters. And not me, I'll tell you that. Join the club.

Dawn's very much like Pete. Yeah, they're just. She's very Boston. What's for dinner? Yep. What do you wanna do? I remember one time I talked to her about the new MacBook Pro that was coming out

for 45 minutes, and at the end I go, you don't even listen to me, she goes, I haven't listened to you since you said MacBook Pro. He got so mad at me because I didn't know what kind of car we had. He talked about it so much, I've never been as bored as when I'm listening to a man talk about a car. I can't even, fuck, I'm car dumb,

I can't find them in parking lots. It makes me so sleepy to think about it. And he always tries to get to the bottom of things, watch all these YouTube videos to make the right choice, and I'm like, for the love of God, who gives a shit. And he's like, one day he's like, you don't even know what kind of car we have. But I'm like, no, not the faintest clue.

And I've driven it many times. I've been inside of it, not driven. I've been in the driver's seat. Didn't know what kind of car we had. And I was in the car when he asked me, he was covering the steering wheel. And I'm like, I want to say Toyota. He's like, it's a fucking Mazda, big guy, Jesus.

Here's this idea of a good story. The Finnegans got a Mazda. They were talking about it for a few weeks and then they decided to do it. Same Mazda, same model. And he thinks that's gonna fucking wow me. Like my bra is already off. Like who could give a fuck?

But that's what he likes to think about. And then it's better, I guess, than my utter nonsense that I babble about to him. Ray, you know what's so funny is, because I look at your life now, and I know I've been through the same thing. Getting married, having a kid, in this business what we do is so epic.

And I don't think people understand it, because we're literally giving up on something that we were in love with for so long. And we're letting go of this thing and it might go away because we're actually going to go and have a family of our own. And then that little kid comes in and it's even more because now you're responsible for this and it's such a heavy burden and to do that successfully, most people just do that. Have some job that's mindless to pay the money to do this whenever they can. And then for like you and me and and a lot of people we know,

that you're actually more successful. I tell people that. I became more successful when I decided to have a kid. A thousand percent. Then if I didn't. That doesn't mean everyone has, I'm just saying my experience, like I'm not one of those women that's like you,

everybody has to, there's a lot of people I know that really should not, but for me it absolutely. Jordan Jensen. It focused me. Don't have a kid. I love Jordan. Ian Finance. We're gonna be a good mom.

Please don't have a kid. He'll fuck it. I'm sorry. I felt like. Yeah, I'm pan baby sexual. When you have, I felt like for me, when I had four hours during the day, I would do God knows what before, just as anyone's guess.

But now I have four fucking hours. Like it's not a joke. My daughter wakes me up all night long. It's hilarious. She just comes, there's nothing funnier. I was unprepared for how funny it is to have a kid. They just, you make this person and they roll around the corner and like say things to you.

It's hysterical. I pick her up at school and she's like, she always tells me if she got a listening sticker that day. I go, did you get a listening sticker today Frankie? And she goes, sadly, no. Like they just say shit that's hilarious. And when she throws a tantrum, she screams at the top of her lungs. You're not getting a listening sticker, Mommy. So it's like funny shit happens every day. But the thing is I'm up all night. Like I don't sleep very much. That's why I'm always makeuping and covering my fatigue,

but I don't sleep very much. She gets into my bed every night. I can't say no to her. It's just too funny, which it comes around the corner. And she kind of works me. She'll be like, oh, what's this? Like she'll look at like a scrunchie on my wrist. She'll be like, where'd you get that?

Like, that's cute. I'm like, you know, you don't think my black scrunchie is cute, you want to get in the bed. But I'm up all night with her. And then, so when I have four hours in the afternoon, before she gets home from school, I really just have that. So you have a hyper focus, I found,

because I'm grateful for that time, that little window, and I don't care as much. So it's like, at the end of the day, I'm gonna go home and play with little Frankie, and it'll be fun. So I care, I didn't stop on to do this all the time all the time but I just like I have that and it's kind of you have a life pretty delightful yeah life you created a life I only care about getting home to them the only thing I'm trying to do when it was my

leave that house is get back to that house and all the other stuff that I was like oh I want these people I've got get this and that, doesn't matter. And it made me more grateful for the things that I have. Like, all the, just to be able to go and do shows and not have to fuckin', you know, work some type of crazy job, I can't believe we get to do standup and then pay bills to go home and hang out with those guys.

Even though, look, 10 year old fucking Max is a lot. He came home, he hookied from school yesterday. We got a call and oh, Max is sick with a stomach ache and a headache. And I'm like, and Dawn's like, I'm gonna just go get him. And she's like, I'm like, just fucking get him. He came home, as soon as he saw me, I looked at him. I'm like, and he's like, dad, I'm just, I went.

Anyway, don't tell mom. And I'm like, I'm not. But you're not, you pulled the thing. And he's like, I just couldn't be there today. And I- Oh, I understand that. See, Jay gave me shit about that, big Jay. He's like, dude, you're giving him bad, it's like, dude, you don't get it.

I understand where he's at. I've been at school where I just couldn't do it that day. I needed to go somewhere where I felt comfortable. At least he told you the truth. You don't want them to shut that door. All it is. He's- Yeah. I go, dude, you're honest with me, so I love that.

But tomorrow you gotta go to school. And I was like, you fucked up, because tomorrow we're gonna take you out of school anyways. And we're gonna go have fun. And now you gotta go to school. Yeah, so what did you do wrong? You have a boundary there, and now he knows. No. But he was also able to be honest with you.

He was also able to get out of that situation in fifth grade, which doesn't fucking matter. When I was in school- It's fifth grade, it's bullshit, it's not college. I would almost every day take the, go to the health room, they all knew me so well, just every fucking bullshit story in the world, take out the thermometer, rub it on my jeans, put it back in my mouth, I knew how to rub it just enough so that I had fake fever, yeah, I mean. You didn't have to put it in your bum? No, you put it on your jeans, you can rub it and it gets the temperature up.

You were putting it in your asshole? I got the wrong info. I used to put it in my ass and then put it in my mouth because that's what made it. Oh my god! Bobby, what the fuck? I'm kidding. I never did that. It's the last thing I need today. I told you the truth. I did. I believed you. I don't know. I'm used to comedians who's sick animals I'm around all the time. I was bad boy buddy not disgusting boy Bobby. Yeah, that's particularly That's bad boy Bobby used to stick at the mom's bum and then put in his mouth because he liked it He's the pennies and popcorn Yeah, it's good he told you the truth that's good

I mean we had I was so scared of gym class and my gym teacher who fucking traumatized me. She would always point out that I didn't know my left from right, mock me in front of the class and point. And she's like, she doesn't even understand this. And that's an L. And she would mock me so much that I was fake sick every, every week.

I didn't want to go to that gym teacher. And then, and then I had to go to fucking therapy with this teacher who did not want to be there, okay? My mom set it up because she's a therapist. That's what I'm saying. She went way the other direction. She decided that I needed to have a meeting with this gym teacher that fucking hated me.

So I had to go sit in his therapist office. I've never felt as like despised by someone as her. She was worse than I had this one tutor. He was a math tutor and he molested a lot of kids that aren't in school but he didn't molest me I think because I was so bad at math but his name was Mr. File and I think he was so I swear to God and his name was Mr. File. Such a great molester name. Isn't that terrific? I couldn't write that. Hey what's that guy molested everybody? Not that he molested but that his name was File. But he was so angry at me. If his name was Peckersucker it wouldn't write that. Hey, what's that guy who molested everybody? Not that he molested, but that his name was Kyle.

But he was so angry at me. If his name was Peckersucker, it wouldn't be as good as that. He was so angry at me because I couldn't learn the math. He's like, I'm not even at the difficult part yet. It's not even the fucking hard part of the way. He was just furious. And I think that I was so dumb that he just wasn't aroused by me.

Like I infuriated him. My wife, we were talking about being fat and how all the times I was fat in my childhood and she said to me, she's like, you know I was fat too when I was a kid. And I was like, really? She's like, yeah. And you know what, and I know how you feel sometimes.

I'm like, what are you talking, she goes, my teacher called me fat when I was in school and it bothers me to this day. He called me fat in front of the class, he goes, you're a little fatty, you're a little chubby. Oh my God. And she goes, and I still think about that and I can still feel the pain.

I go, where is he now? She goes, oh, he's in jail from molesting kids. I'm like, your fatness protected you. Protected you, it was a blanket of protection. Yeah, if you were any hotter, he would have fucking diddled you. But he would. I'm not sure that's the closure she was looking for.

I like that Bobby's like, I can't wait to get back to my wife and family so I can re-traumatize her. Yeah, I don't think that was, let me tell you something, sweetheart. Listen, if it wasn't for them backpacks of fat on you. He was letting you down easy. Oh my god.

He's like, look it, I wouldn't fuck you, but maybe somebody else will, you chubby little bastard. The things teachers were saying at that time was insane. My dad's teacher, and my dad swears that he had started a gambling ring in his Hebrew school, and then switched his head. I love his head. I know then he's a fun guy. And he said that his teacher was when he found out that he was the one behind it,

which also like how hard was the case was that to crack that he was one behind this gambling ring, which I don't know if it was a ring. It was probably just like one of those. What's it called? The box? I don't know anything about sports. You know, the boxes for the football. It's called the box. The box.

Yeah. Okay. You must bug Pete so much. Oh, infuriate him. He should have married some nurse name like Gina or something. Why is he marrying me? He did this to himself. I love Gina.

Pete, where are we going tonight? We getting wings? Yes. He was supposed to marry some lady like that, you know. He wants some steak tips. With the fucking American flag acrylics, you know But I will say this like I don't even know what I was gonna say What the fuck is my talk about your dad with the oh, yeah gambling his teacher? Found out that how we find Stein had a gambling ring at Palo Alto and he my dad said I said what did he do?

He said he threw me in the bush. I'm like, what do you mean three in the but just a public school He said he would always throw the bush. I'm like, what do you mean he threw you in the bush? It's a public school. He said he would always throw us outside. Throw you out the window? Anyways, my dad said he just would throw him in a bush. Oh my. Is that it? Can you imagine how fucked up school was?

Yeah, that's enough. Careful though, he threw you in the bush and then Fyle would catch you in that bush. No, I don't think he fondled him. I think he was just hurled his body, but that's bad enough. You know, like to hurl it into a bush, that's painful. I actually fought my gym teacher.

Me and this other kid got suspended for the last week. You like punched him? Well, yeah, we came up. I came up, I was coming up downstairs using the bathroom and he had my friend, this dude I knew in the hallway in between floors threaten him. Like getting in his face like you little bitch. And then he, I came up, I go, what the fuck are you doing?

It was like, he was scaring the kid. As soon as I came up, he was like, yeah, he's trying to fuck, and I was like, fuck you. And we started pushing him, and like, let's fight both of us, you fucking pussy. And we just started pushing him and fucking, like, let's go, you fucking pussy. Oh my God.

And then the assistant principal, who was this lesbian lady, Irish. She scared the shit out of us. She came down, she goes, what the fuck are you fucking doing? With that boss? We were like, nothing. And she came and we got in trouble for that shit. I remember I told my teacher to fuck off in seventh grade. Oh, my God. I was out for I was out for a week. I just hooked for that shit. I remember I told my teacher to fuck off in seventh grade. Oh my God, I would do that.

I was out for a week. I just hooked for a week. I finally came back and she goes, nice of you to join us, Mr. Kelly. And I went, go fuck yourself. And I just walked out again. Yeah, come to find out that teacher was fucking the kids. Then the woman was fucking the kids too?

I found out she was banging the students and she was probably mad that I wasn't in because I was hot Bobby back then. She was like, you love the- I love Bobby's work that she was just pissed. This is all so disturbing. She was probably pissed, Ray. She was probably like, where have you been,

you piece of ass? I've been looking to get down with you and you're blowing this whole thing. Bobby has definitely beat to this scenario and it really bothers me that Bobby is still the real victim in all of this somehow. That's why nobody helped me. Nobody gave me magazines as a kid. No, if you had those magazines.

I can't believe she was fucking, that's a lot of molesting that's going on. Weird, I found out about it recently too. Dear God, that's not good. Where there's a lot of molesting going on. I never, I was an altar boy never had anything happen me neither Nobody even looked twice at me I was a pain in everyone's ass Everybody in Boston. Yeah, I was sold their bathroom key

Sucking kid dick in Boston with my age and I didn't get nothing Kind of insulted I mean they made movies about I Do feel like I will, for all this shit, people talk about, you know, what's wrong with it now and how it used to be good. It wasn't good. Was not good. It was not good.

It was bad. It was very bad. I was abusive. Shit was fucking not okay. Like, thank God now I have a tile in my daughter's shoe or whatever. Like shit was fucking. Yeah, we would go out and make every day,

probably not make it home yeah and my mom was a social worker she was working like 60 hours a week and we had keys with her the address on them she put the address on our keys that said if floss return to 5203 elsmer avenue i'm like mom come with your van yeah and i tell her that now. And she was, well, I don't know. I did the best I could. And I'm like, mom, you had her address on our keys, mom. It's not a good look. Yeah, I mean, things were not OK at all.

Like, yeah. And nobody was asking us any questions. My mom will tell me, we never had any questions. We never talked about how we would raise you or any of that. Like, I'm like, no, you're supposed to have a few discussions. You're supposed to, they're supposed to have a few discussions. You're supposed to talk to your kids, man. You're supposed to, I really believe,

I let Max, when I get out of line, he's like, dad, you know, if I yell, he's like, dad, don't yell, you're yelling. And I'm like, and he gives me a little check where I'm like, all right, you're right. We made a deal, I'm not gonna yell. And I'm fine with that. Other guys are like, dude, you don't

let you, fuck you. No, I, listen, I think that kids need to feel the parents are in charge, but also it would really infuriate me when I was a kid. They need boundaries, it helps them feel safe, but it would really infuriate me when I was a kid when a parent wouldn't admit if they were full of shit about something. And when my daughter points out something to me that she's like, no, that's wrong, say you're sorry. I'm like, oh, you're right. I'm sorry. But you're teaching them how to admit when they're wrong. Yeah. And accountability.

I said, dude, you're going to fuck up a lot. I go all's I care is that you own your shit and move on. Move your shit. Move on. No, you're a good dad. You're a very good dad. I feel like you keep saying that. Because every time I say, I give you shit, you're a good dad. You're a very good dad. Stop saying that. And I'm a twat. I feel like you keep saying that. Because every time I say, if I give you shit, I feel kind of guilty.

No, it's fine. No, but you are a good dad. Look, you didn't tell me that. I'm a fantastic dad. I'm actually. I'm just a little surprised, honestly. I don't think you're. You're surprised.

Dawn's surprised. Yeah, because you were like, yeah, you were like the guy that like the waitresses were always upset because you were like, you'd be like, you just lie to them and you didn't tell them you were gonna call. I don't.

Bobby would be like, listen, just call me, call me in a half an hour. He'd just make them keep calling him back in a half an hour. By the way, all these guys are just like, they're watching other thing. It's fascinating. It's part of the show.

What are you doing? What? I'm kind of fascinated with them. He's editing the photos that we did. So at the end of the show, they'll be ready to go. The other guys on the internet trying to find stuff and getting with the chat. And the other one... I thought they were like fully like watching Venture Brothers or something. I thought there was no way they had any idea what either of us were up to. They're like, I'm going to stop listening to this 60 year old bitch and just...

Oh, they're doing Pokemon right now. I really thought they were on like off track betting right now. Just those guys. Yes. I just want a lot of fun together though. They're like a fun loving group. They're giggling. I have a great crew and they're very stand up comics.

They're very funny guys. I take them all in the road with me. They're if you ever need an opener, you need somebody to host Do they drive is the question? Not at all. They're autistic. Damn it. I know they don't drive. I am well, here's the deal You got your special coming out. Thank you. It's out right now on Netflix. What's the name? It's called big guy It's out right now on Netflix came out today. It came out today. I can't I'm gonna watch it tonight I can't wait to see it. It looks amazing. I saw Keith's special there.

What a great place to shoot a special. Low ceilings. Yeah, Keith Robinson special's out June 11th. Who cares about that? Let's just focus on this. That was a mistake. Let's, you know what I mean? I mean, he's got enough.

Dude, strokes. Blah, blah, old. You know what I mean? Well, this is the last one for old. You know what I mean? Well, this is the last one for him. You know what I mean? And you're gonna be doing Jersey City Comedy Festival. Wait, who's, no, that's not mine. Who is that?

Who is that? Oh wait, that is mine, sorry. I didn't realize I was there. Why am I even listening to you, you fucking ditzy broad? That's so dumb. That's not mine, though. I'm like, that's not mine. Wait, yes it is, I forgot it.

She's gonna be, can you read those, Maxie? Jersey City Comedy Festival, June 11th, Comedy Bar, Danforth, Toronto. You're right, this is who we should have married. The Comedy Club at Kansas City, 22-24th, alright? And then I'm going to go home because I'm property of the FDNY, that's right. I know where I belong. At Beaches Comedy Club in Panama city beach, Florida. I'm Haley in Portland, in Portland, Oregon.

And I'm also gonna be with something in Santa Cruz that I'm gonna add to that. And a lot of other stuff that I have is on punch up live. It's on punch up live. Punch up live slash Rachel. Rachel Feinstein. And right now, and you can go to follow me Instagram Rachel Feinstein underscore,

but my special big guy is my first hour special on Netflix and is out today So, you know give it a listen. I love you Bobby. Thank you for having me got questions for you though Oh, yeah fans questions. So listen, you got to check it out she's one of the funniest people around and she's always made me laugh and she's also one of the nicest people I know and I love you and I'm so glad you came on the show and I'm so proud of you and you're kicking ass and I love it, you're a great mom, great wife, good person and one of the funniest people around and you're killing it, I'm so happy.

You make me so proud that you're doing it. So thanks for coming on. Thank you, Bobby. I remember the night right after Max was born, we came over and you were in that apartment in Midtown and I got to hold Max and he was maybe like two, three days old so um it's exciting. Don, Don gave me advice about how to get pregnant and was lovely to

me so thank you for for um for everything Bobby. I love you Rach. Um alright so we're gonna go to the questions of the fan. Uh plug your dates. What? Oh Bobby's dates? Danny knows how to ruin a moment. It was jarring. That was very jarring. He's a fucking, he's literally just a shit person. Well, last time you didn't do it, you got mad at me because you go, you should have reminded me. I know, but you could have just gave us one more second. To just digest that moment.

We just had like a moment and you go, plug, plug, plug your dates. Bobby, plug your dates. I don't want to be yelled at again. That was a beautiful moment, but plug your dates, Bobby. I do love you. I love you too. I don't want Danny to...

I love you, Danny. I love you. Danny, I love you too. Thank you. Shut up. We don't like you. All right. Go to robertkellelive.com.

I am all over the place. Port Charlotte, St. Louis, Funny Bone, Timonium, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, South Burlington, Vermont, Cahones, San Diego, and we of course we have the Reg Show. What's this? Reg's is at the Gramercy on what? July 10th. July 10th, Wednesday night, that is a podcast. And then we have the regs at the Cape Cod Melody tent. Me, Luis Gomez, Joliss, Dan Soda, Rich Voss hosting. And that is in, when? That, I'm pulling that up right now.

That is August 15th. August 15th, that is a comedy show. Make sure you get those tickets and go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. I have all my stuff that my special is up there, Killbox, for free. It's up there right now. So go to punchup.live if you're watching this.

Go over there and watch all my stuff, my special for free. Check out Rachel's punchup.live page. And we're gonna go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. We get questions from you fans. We're gonna be asking her now. So if you wanna be part of that, go there, join. And if not, that's it. We're gonna be asking her now so if you want to be part of that go there join and You if not, that's that's it. We'll see you guys next. Oh, what do you guys got? Max Marcus comedy all social media faster follow me on Instagram at Danny breath and tonight the May 26

I'm in Washington DC doing don't tell comedy faster. That's too much and for the cheese show go to YouTube type in the cheese show Check out these guys three funny hilarious young comedians they're always on the road with me they're gonna be with me coming up so check them out we'll see you guys next time on you know what