Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Rapcist

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

In Robert's absence, Ari Shaffir guest hosts YKWD with Rebecca Trent, Dan Soder, Luis J Gomez, Joe List and Chris Scopo.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Yo sé que he hecho este chulo a veces, pero quiero verlo. What's going on everybody? I know that I've done this hula ad a bunch of times, but I really want you to check it out. I know you tried hula.com, but hula plus is so much more. With hula plus you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hula plus let you watch thousands of hit TV shows and movies in your living room or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. With hula plus you can watch your favorite TV shows like SNL, Jimmy Kim alive, Shark Tank and Scandal. I watch it all the time. I have it on my iPhone and my iPad when I'm in a hotel room or I'm at the airport. I just throw it on. I watch my shows. The best part you can binge watch shows that you

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is awesome for me since I had little max. Now I just put a nice kid show on the farm. And he sits in front of the iPad like a zombie for a half hour so I can you know play with my balls. It's for only 7.99 a month you can catch up on current shows like I say you can binge on old favorites or catch up on great movies stream as many TV shows and movies as you want wherever you want. Right now you can try Hulu Plus free for two weeks when you go to Hulu Plus dot com slash dude. That's a special offer for my listeners only. Make sure you use the Hulu Plus dot com slash dude. Alright, so they know they can extend you the free trial

and they know I sent you. So go to Hooplus.com slash dude right now for your extended two week free trial. Do it. Dude. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. I was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on it. It's just us sitting down and sometimes it's hilarious,

sometimes it's intense, no topics. No direction. I love doing it. This podcast has no rules. Can I get a microphone? I'm sure I've already sent you the word graphics. It's rubber killing. You know what dude?

You know what dude? I know what I'm doing. I guess unbreakable. I guess not. I guess not.able. I guess the guy died. The brim. It's... I

Never somewhat jam 98 You're in wings just don't age in 98. Yeah, they were then no, they yeah, they are 98 one hundred percent that pink album was their first album no self titled it's a black lady in bikini They were they was them the butthole whole surfers they were kind of metal in the No, the servers are not metal back in the day, dude the Americans First of all I saw all these people on osfest everyone that were naming yeah Who did we decide to on osfest? Well the service been around since the like early 90s the melvins were around

They Melvin's like 80 yeah Melkitt Melvins like dead Kennedys all those are like The stone I just not with those with those guys 20 years earlier than so much juice on his mic. Are they not You're loud I think we need more juice on our mics Different and it's cuz scopos not as good as Kelly We live right now we have talk plenty of Jews Why is the curtain open it's creepy welcome to you know what dude podcasts with Bobby Kelly I am a guest hosting are you sure fair with me today is Louis J Gomez? Joe list hello Rebecca Rebecca Cray cave

That's a great name. Rebecca Cave. That's what a color pussy. Rebecca Cave. Louis, that's a bit juvenile. It sounds We were all easily winning our minds with like this. That's a terrible joke. Rebecca Cave. Rebecca Cave sounds like a co-star in a in a Shane and Tweed movie. Yeah, it does. Yeah, like a lot of TITN O'Pulse. Okay, that's a better joke than Rebecca's TITN O'Pulse. I did not say that. Way better. I did not say that.

Step your weak ass, go right to pussy, go right to your mouth. That's true. It was so bad I didn't even know how to comment on it. I'm from a big J school of comedy. Ah, they care pussy, asshole me. Scupper, that's how you wrap it up. When are you gonna close the curtains? It's very creepy. There's a weird light. I'm trying to get this out to the people because

Someone fuck you up the keyboard as well. You should never be off my you are hilarious. Scopo should be off night Hilarious is dramatic. He's very funny. Where is Kelly Kelly's in Australia on another trip to Australia? Yeah, she yeah, she has to go back to check into like so Still not going well go back out there. Hey She's not even here to defend herself that dumb twat Yeah, but you know what she would have had the show going about 15 minutes ago I don't care how big your butt is you suck scope oh boy This is the top 10 episode already fucking you guys I know Bobby usually runs a show and he runs however he wants it But I've I've decided to run a little differently

There's been some people that have been underappreciated here Joe list in particular Yeah, thank you, and there's some people who are not carrying their weight. Louis Pay attention to me right now. Yes! Yeah, you stink. I'm gonna rule with an iron fist. First and foremost, I found a dollar here. I found a dollar?

Yeah, all of Orange Juice Senses. I'm gonna give it out. I'm gonna sell the money in the couch. And whoever makes the first funny joke can grab it. Oh, boy. Louis just grabbed it. Well, that was Louis's funny joke. Yeah, that's the joke. That's the joke, joke can grab it. Oh boy. Louis just grabbed it. Well that was a funny joke. That's the joke.

That's the joke. I just smashed it. What's that dumb shirt you wearing? It says suffer. Yeah. Or if you look at it from certain angles, it says queer. Why? I don't know.

It does. It's not why you got it. That's not why you got it. It's take the wig. Is it the bomb wig? Where's the bomb danna? Kelly took it. Kelly took it. She's cramming it and hanging in her wall. She's becoming one with it. That's not why you got it. The wig. Is it the bomb wig? Where's the bomb? Dana Kelly took it Kelly took it. She's framing it and hanging in her wall. She's becoming one with it.

It's like you know, skin. I'm poor bandana now. Look, Bobby. That wig works for you. You look adorable. You look sweet. You look like a pinup girl. Right. Wait, are we on camera right now? Just you stream. Yeah, you're Sishing right now. It's K-bossy out there No, because no one can Kicking on you. No one knows it alive because uh, oh no, it's fucked up with uh with the

Button so I can't type we are alive right now, so I'm trying to get batteries again. What's what's the web address? I like that you couldn't think of keyboards. See what with button. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I fucked up the uh the button You know button. The button. The button pad. Yo bro, the button. Thanks bro. If you were wearing black fishnets right now and heels, I would fuck you. I'm so mean you'd take your pants off. I want to know if Lewis wants some soup in some of his medication. That is like a 50s pinup girl haircut. They had no. I'm telling you I can find girls. It's like a 50s pin up girl haircut. They had they know it's not I'm telling you I can find girl It's like a used car sales

That's like a throw up girl. I'm telling you I'm gonna find it I'm gonna give you that dollar back Actually, it's a good joke dollar whoever ends with the best joke It's a dollar the end It's like the bomb in reverse. It's the funny joke dollar By the way, is this already more than Bobbie has ever paid you guys? Yeah. Hey!

We're not comfortable with money floating around the room. It is. He gave us gift cards. For what? Apple. He gave all of those, right? Yeah. No, there were gift cards for apples.

He gave the funniest person a gift card. You can't boo every attempt, Dan. Boo. Let them not laugh. You can't boo over their laughter. Take your sick wig off. You're making me, you're giving me. Kimboo every attempt Dan BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU And I just tune out who's who's bringing in the fucking the horse coding that would be mine What is that I'm a cop sir on the table? It's just going to the you stream from here and the connection to you stream you stream slash what it's right cast Right cast we should do horse tranquilizers

Okay, we have more I'm finding I'm gonna find a pinup girl who looks exactly like Lewis There's no I'm saying hair cut. I'm saying. Haircut. For bad for that woman. Oh come on bro. Well, it's bad to meet a day Dan because you have a wig on and you're my friend. Yes I am.

Friend? That's all look. Ha ha ha. You get Lewis to eat right out of my head. Lewis, you look weird with that wig on. Look at this. I think you look good. Boom.

What is that? That's pretty close. That's pretty cool. It's pretty hard to. Yeah, Betty Page. I look just like Betty Page. It's close, Fish. You see what I'm going for? The Black Bangs. You get it? Betty Page is the girl you order on the website and Lewis is the one that comes to your door.

Damn, why you standing? He's trying to turn up his mic. I'm trying to get more hints as he can't. I just fucking dive over the board. I need more jobs! Have you never thought about wearing a wig me no dude I Fuck I'm a piece I don't realize dude. I am braced my baldness when I was like 19 I thought he's a shaven my head. I'm gonna wear a fake ass wig. I think you're mocking me too, Joe I don't know where the fucking you're real ass, dude. We're the best brothers the three of us

Yeah, why are you breaking us up? It's I feel like you're a glider. I'm con say go in your Walt Weiss That's Korean moan curled white white was a good Great show because it was two bass brothers and Walt Weiss was the fucking shitty short stuff He feels a good. I was talking about the bass brothers from mighty ducks two What that's another thing? Yeah, I like the mighty the best brothers from mighty ducks to what that's another thing Yeah, it was I swear to god I like the mighty backs to the entire Olympic team was just that Maybe hockey team no the three people in you got the By the way Spanish. That was a cowboy. I have a fuck did the guy from Goodburger get on the Olympic ice hockey team and goalie from mighty ducks

Yeah cat. Oh cat huge co-catic now. She is yeah. Oh no Oh cat huge co-catic now she is yeah, oh no We're talking about my buddy ducks here. They took her out of they took Goldberg out of there for the girl Yeah, oh wow. Yeah, he's huge coke. I did all thin and I was right somebody does too much coke too fast Yeah, that's it looks like now and he comes by comic books like hey man. How you doing? Oh? Weird they had a replacement with a chick they're like we can make a third one But the first two are a little too chewy, so I're gonna need a woman in there. Was that three? She was in You got this off three mighty ducks movies. Yeah, she was good Do you remember when the one kid the captain of a team was fucking that dude in that cruel intentions movie?

That was weird, right? Oh, yeah, yeah Cool tension. I don't know they kissed and the spit came in between them. I don't know, but it was gross Oh, yeah, that one was gross. It's gross. That's the point of the show. They do it. Okay, so I have to go buy batteries So you can keep it rolling I got I don't know you guys want to do you guys want hang out here? Well now we're really gonna lose the audience if you leave I'm not gonna lie something that I've had for some reason I because of scope But we always make scope of butt jokes, but I just imagined him reshooting the beginning of Rex and effects his music video Or that chicks playing the saxophone in the ocean. No, no, no, no

Bomb week Chris is a magic store. They sell joke books Something he's a comic right he's getting there He's a comic no, he's good. He's a in and uh... i don't know someone else talk about scope of how do you see that we can't read by the line he's good what about the impunity now you won't find out so like a week from now yeah it's good point hey uh... first part of the new year right yeah well known that we recorded yet over the so uh... so uh... what do you guys thinking for this year not not resolutions, but like what are you guys gonna accomplish?

Lewis you're gonna accidentally knock up another baby and try to stick to it for no reason Do you knock up a baby? She died Really bad babies can't have babies There's that whole thing where they say babies have babies, turns out not true. Lewis found out the very emotionally tough way. You will kill that baby.

If she tries to have a baby. How are you not gonna have another kid? What are you doing? Not right now. I'm so exhausted just from having one baby. Yeah, I mean, I need a couple more years. We need to be able to do it. What are you doing to not have one?

What am I doing not to have one? Yeah, not boating. You're just not fucking I'm gonna we have so we have some sex just not the same way used to be ain't all your time What do you mean is not the same way used to be shoot the first one off inside of her pull out and say pull down that way Now I'm done. Oh that orgasm was really weak It's almost like it was an after orgasm. This is gonna beat off to that. Yeah Of Lewis busting nuts. Do you? Rebecca and so do you guys just go pull out? What do you guys do I go pull out you go pull out Rebecca? I use condoms

What is it a horrible odd? I don't know how to break it to you, but 95% of the comedians I know have STDs Did you mean Joe listen to And to Rosa they we call them list TDs That's good But a lot of people do fucking the community so if one guy has it everyone gonna have it soon It's mostly just HPV. I'm a 36 year old who doesn't have it and I want to keep it well I don't even count that as a real disease. I mean they say it goes away

That's a way eventually. I heard it goes away eventually. You just need a laser beam and a knife. Yeah Get them frozen off the same way Joe fights aliens. Yeah, I had to get them frozen off. Oh, I gotta go do that Oh, dude funny. It's part about getting out of right now Craigs it's like braille I call it the reason I call it the reason the big idea What's going on in here Yeah, what the funny thing about that is what your word tarted Count it I thought that was gonna be You had a word what words. I've never had any words on my deck really

Oh, imagine that but it's your dick Somebody had a wordy asshole. Oh, yeah. I bet you have a wordy asshole. No, not at all. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying.

I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying.

I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was saying. I was like do But do Straight Lewis right down the word but do cuz that's the name of the class Yeah, we know that I thought were condoms that even stop words from coming. They don't yeah Condoms don't stop words. Yeah, they don't stop HPV

It's a skill of the stop HPV. It's a skill. Why do you use condoms? I don't know I just I don't want to get pregnant. That's true.immer. It's a possible to stop HPV. That's a skimmer. Oh, why do you use condoms? I don't know. She's really pregnant. I just, I don't want to get pregnant. That's true. I had an audience member. I'm not a word. Having a baby will ruin your life and career.

I don't know. Tell me. Abortion's so easy. I had an audience member say this one. It's a fur girl. Sex with a condom on is like having a massage with a t-shirt. Yeah, that's about right. And that's got to feel the same way for a guy too.

It's not, no, no. It's getting over here right. And that's got to feel the same way for a guy too. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I got a bunch of STDs. I've won two one and a half one of the other one Herpes HIV HIV and let me ask you a question about answers. Yes Because I did it with the girl herpes once a long time. I didn't get it But she was like she told me right before we started doing it which was like so fucking knock on a stop now It's maybe it was the same girl. Maybe was it in LA. Yeah, oh Was it Beatrice? I got I had the same thing I had the same thing haven't we were both naked. I was about to enter and she was like she said time out And then she was like I got to tell you this Yeah, game on

I was like I don't I was like I don't get that point. I would have fucked you're not my sister You used a condom that day. No, you didn't even use your own No, I had no condom with me. We were already naked in there. And that's how you got it? I think so. I'm not sure though, because I didn't have it. I didn't, but I didn't get a break out for six months, which is very rare. But then I did get a break out three days

after fucking a different girl. What in, I don't think you can get a break out three days late. Yeah, I think it takes a while, right? No, it's like two to 17 business days. No, really? Two to 14 days. It's perfectly, it's platinum package. 17 business days no really Day it's It can be yeah, I can remain I don't know

What's up? What's up? What's up? I can overnight you those Well now I know damn it. We missed comedy. So I know I missed it I was like do you want me to overnight these herpes? It'll be actually $32 You can get them immediately just for your location Now I don't get up because I quit drinking and I'm healthy. I'm not an open-knit a long time. I don't because I never could afford them. Is that what it is though to keep my way?

If you take like vowel tracks to whatever, I think that helps. The longer you have it, the more like immune system. Herpes is the legitimate like golden arches of. It's dodgeball. You got hit. You're out. I remember one time it was a girl that I met at the Queen Center mall when I was selling comedy cup tickets like seven years ago And I brought her home with me. She was a real slut. Oh, we picked up a girl selling tickets. Oh, yeah That was the best pick of the ever to get a lot of plus

You used to smash I used to smash that's a term right? Russian true Yeah, there's some urban sex That's a term right? Crushin' Trim! Crushin' yeah! Those are some urban sex terms. You really speak in the Scupele language now. He's like, yeah bro. Yeah bro, Crushin' Tail. Yeah.

Oh is that more Italian? I thought Smash was black. Smash? Was it just cool though? I'm not smashing the whole world, bro. Oh, Lewis, that is sensitive. What? No.

Blacks, all thieves. I'm not gonna ignore it. Black to your queen story, bro. So dude, I brought this girl I brought this girl home for the weekends never steal and she wouldn't fuck me She's on her period, okay, and then she uh she was like alright, I'll suck your dick and then she went to go suck my deck She was like but my throat's been really acting up lately. I think I might have herpes in my throat and before she got the word Throat out I pushed her head down She really didn't want to suck your dick you're a racist rapist in one sentence Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with that suffer T-shirt. What is that brand? I don't know. It is a brand watching his act go.

It says rogue status on the show. Rogue status, nigga. Well, suck all day. All day. Hey, people, let's say at home, if you want a really easy way to make a lot of money, it's T-shirts. We definitely need more T-shirts, makeers. I bought this T-shirt.

I bought like 10 T-shirts at Yellow Rep Astered. Five dot, the downstairs, it's just full of graphitees for five bucks. Oh, great. I can get a suffer shirt. An ugly suffer shirt. It's only like 50 cents a shirt. That looks like a failed band. Wow, that is.

And for a straight-ass band. From 99. Yeah, I can be a metal band. It's like I throw it to you when you're sleeping on my couch. Like that's my brother's old band. I don't know, where are those shirts? White pure gizz off with this. Yeah, that's a brother's old band. I don't know why your gizoph with this

Yeah, it's a real giz-reg sure One time my mother bought me and my friend speaking of giz-regs. Hey That is Animal Baby it's sick He will I'm gonna be maybe get sick I like that one even better. And he will. What's my mother? Ever year my mother buys those old maybe like fourth of July shirts and like gives them to me as a gift

So I have like a fourth of July old Navy shirt. I never wear them because I don't you've worn like one or two of them before Yeah, I've been working out or whatever I don't just wear them non ironically Old Navy t-shirts. It's a big American flag on it and whatever. It's his old maybe 2008 happy fourth of July or some shit Anyway, she put where the month fourth of July though. That's kind of fun for the July maybe yeah for the July It's not ironic at all Yeah, but for the July it's like you know America. That's the one day I celebrate these colors don't want Joe list This is your survivor Joe. Yeah, I'm a marathon survivor

It just didn't even happen you fucking liar. That's what that internet thing said Yeah, what no no online is saying that the Boston massacre the Boston Marathon bombing was Actor the boss of massacre Thing went off, but they never shoot all the other people were actors. They said the guide that was in went off but they never shoot all the other people were actors they said the guide that was in that was representing that crazy redhead guy from Aurora his lawyer was also one of the school teachers in the other shooting and they show pictures like this girl looks exactly the same why would they hire the same actors I know I know that's a big omission I know it's just a similar

looking that's like the George Bush 9-11 things were I'm like well if they're gonna come up with this whole thing why wouldn't they have Saddam Hussein they like he did it so he could go to war like well? Why didn't they blame Saddam Hussein on 9-11 then? He like guys I wanted a big omission Saddam Hussein is not sag by them or why wouldn't they have them not pay my dues why wouldn't they have them Prevent the thing I get almost happens and then they prevent it. Oh, yeah, that would have been a much better conspiracy Yeah, well, that was my big hole like they did with the shoe bomber right I'm positive that guy was to the thing. It almost happens and then they prevent it. Oh yeah, exactly. That would have been a much better conspiracy. Yeah.

Those are my big holes. Like they did with the shoe bomber. Right. I'm positive that guy was sent by the FBI. Positive. Wow. The bomb just didn't quite go off because he accidentally stepped in a puddle. That's what a story this old us.

Now that sounds more made up. But you're saying they should have prevented 9-11. Like they have a plane coming in and then right before they shoot it out of this guy and like, look what we did. It's going to be a pair from the edge. And then people like George Bush is amazing. Yeah. Prevented 9-11 like they have a plane coming in and then right before they shoot it out of this guy like look George Bush is amazing. Yeah. Yeah, that's the movie executive decision was Steven Cigol Russell 10 minutes. Yeah, I was furious. I was ready to go move I rented that VHS and I was furious. Yeah, it's caught in the thing between the two planes He flies out of the fucking take them out. I was that's how I've had the only west of as in mission impossible Like this is the whole reason I watched. Oh, yeah, I thought to deserve more

Did you all get feel a little bit after that Boston strong started to where you like relaxed Boston? Wasn't that big a deal he's from I was I was there I was I was I was I strapped on my neck for like two months after that. Jason Cantor's alcoholism saved Joe Lists life. Really? That's true. I was trying to get to the finish line, but Cantor's like, we gotta go to a bar

and I was like, come on, let's just go to the finish line. Then we stop to the bar. And that's where we were, it wouldn't happen. That's crazy. Fucking Jason Cantor. I might've lost it. It's the only good thing he's ever done. Hahaha.

Wow. Hahaha. He was reflect on that. I might have lost a good thing he's ever done. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha scatter make up details of life and say that's how it happened a lot of people that you know lives get changed and the night each person affects so it affects a lot of people you know these people that are saying fake what is the wire they saying they're just saying that it's like they're just using it to get a son's and I can't even fucking try I can even follow what they were doing but they had a bunch of diagrams pointing to like people's ears showing that they're the same dude from like I don't know dude They're just saying it. He said didn't happen. I don't actually believe that by the way I think it is the same thing with the LA shooting when that when that guy shot up a TSA

Oh, yeah, like oh look they're leading a dummy away and people like that was a fucking drill a month ago Yeah, dude every single one of those things the school shooting in Connecticut and newtown They did that they were saying it never happened. There's no cops near the school every every fucking idiot comes up with some sort of Yeah, that's what dumb. That was so the best one was saying it never happened. There's no cops there at the school. Every fucking idiot comes up with some sort of music. That's what it was. The best one was loose change. What they were like, it's just like, oh, the guy's voiceover lost me in the first minute

where he's like, this is the world trade center. He's having an old comic. Yeah, you're like, you fucking 19 year old doing your own real? I hear the black guy. You know what people are like? I hear the black guy. If you do it out of black, dude, I'd be like, dude,

9-11 was an inside job What is that black dude the one what's it? Morgan Freeman yeah, they're the response are they even the homeless guy from Cleveland? I'm they met well. No, he should have said freckled black man The conservatives came up with a response to Lucian's and the whole thing Lucian's they were like how could a Boeing 757 make this a whole this size and this is a little shitty hole But then they have the in the response the video they pan out and there's a gigantic gaping hole right next to that hole

that's the best I thought they were gonna pan out and it was somebody's asshole there's a rest of them boss asshole yeah after it's everyone's like that's not how this aluminum burns whatever the metal was like how do you know I like the heart of that middle metal people know how metal burns yeah everyone knows that aluminum burnt at

363 degrees Fahrenheit. No, no one knows that That's why I'm still watching this video cuz I'm like, oh, I didn't know that no I know no one knows what happened no one's probably ever gonna know I'm just happy it was New Yorkers You're happy it was New Yorker. Yeah, I suppose anyone else. Why you think everyone else would have just Why you like everyone else? Is the city's predisposed to handle it better? Is that what you're saying?

No, you guys just pushy. Pfft! See, they... Oh, space, we gotta push. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. But let's say it happens in Los Angeles, what happens? 9-11 happens in...

Oh, make way more movies about it. I mean, oh, there's no there's two movies a year Yeah, on how it's affected. Oh afterwards all the studios are like what they're gonna attack us next because of what we represent Yeah, sorry like taking people's ideas and I like nobody gives us about your fucking movie making. Yeah, 18 people here relax All right, that 9-11 happens in Chicago. What happens? They name a hot dog after it A lot of deep deep deep pizza I'm going to do something when they can't do anything. You come to Chicago. You're going to have yourself a problem. You attack North Chicago. Has anybody ever been to Zanies?

No. I did it. Up. How was that? It was good. It was all right. I loved it. It was a sad ending.? Who's all right? I loved it was a sad ending but Jolus was a Pixar film up anyway, so if you ladies are at home. I don't really have herpes outbreaks anymore Joe why wouldn't you just why wouldn't you just hide that that? That's too late now Who you are that's an awful way to be the same with a joke. Why was just joking everybody? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, give them herpes. You're gonna get, no, like you're, you're gonna have sex without having herpes. Well, first of all,

first of all, I don't want to. No, I didn't know if he had sex with his girlfriend, she's gonna just give her herpes. I think if we were, I mean, if we got married, we would have sex with that a condom on. I don't want to have kids anyways. And then you could have sex without giving

somebody herpes also. She probably wouldn't get herpes at this point. That's only for a good health break, right? I think for the most part, I mean, there's a chance you can get it without an outbreak I think but in the more years you have it the more your body the less it is a thing What do you mean? And plus like as your body just becomes more used to it so these less Upbreakers your immune system can fight it off fight off the outbreak for the first month It was the worst thing ever herpes would be the worst STD if you only had one outbreak

You ever had a chlamydia? No. I've had that, that's the best one to get. It's just a warning sign. It's a let you off with a warning. You don't do this anymore. It's 10 days of antibiotics and then you're 100% cured. Yeah, yeah, it fills me shit.

What happens in the 10 days? First of all, you start peeing through directions. Wow. And you're like, oh, maybe I just masturbated less nice and dry. But every day and also I'm your detergent to a velociraptor. That's not the proper dinosaurs that you're quoting from Jurassic. Oh, they're more velociraptors. What were those? I don't know. The Newman, the Newman die. Yeah. Yeah, they had a

big head thing that's yeah. That was a cool last movie when it came out great movie that was on the other day From great movie watching it hold up. Yeah, that's a great movie on the small screen TV that special effects Those dinosaurs do not look there no 10th person. Oh, I watched it The first scene with the biggest dinosaurs of that cell big guys dinosaur That's how they teach that's how they teach dinosaurs So it's queen's public schools. They're like that's the biggest one This one right is like the Puerto Rican of dinosaurs known as a Velociraptor It just attacks you for no reason

That was racist too. Yeah, I'm racist. I'm just guessing with the two ears Guys, let's do New Year's resolutions for Bobby Kelly this year. What would you have him doing it? I'm not eating grains Did I'm gonna look at my kid a bunch look at him His resolution should be to move back to New York City. What's he doing? There goes Bobby for now? I get it. Are you crazy? I'm here personally. He's on the road You winner you can move on day hopefully soon as soon as this leases up. I'm fucking out

Where are you going? You're so dumb as stand up. Are you you're gonna? You said that after after after I had a kid you said how long's it been it's been over a year? Oh really? Yeah, I'm congratulations. I'm not done. I'm too far in I'm not quitting stand up anytime soon I will say but Bobby does a word you have any other marketable skills You can lift weight you can you can move people stuff rattle Chris no, I don't have anything else like you did you could fight I could do sales media labor. Yeah, you could like a motherfucker. Yeah, I can sell yeah, really you good at that Yeah, I was in sales for a long time. I made a lot of money. What's what you sell? I was at Equinox for a couple years

What's what you sell? I was at Equinox for a couple years No, God one of the great things in the world is Nate and I had lunch with Lewis one time while he was working in Equinox and he was Sweating through his shirt. He had this dress shirt I just know I just worked out but you worked out and put on a dress shirt and you came and see Nate nine and like you were talking to Lewis And as we're talking Nice dress shirt. He's like, here's an avid I'm gonna go back You start to sweat and then you start getting nervous that you're sweating. So, somebody's sweating more, dude.

I'm like rubbing my eyes. I'm like, so guys, what do you wanna give her? I do that, so funny. You kept just moving your shirt and you're like, all right, I'll meet you over there. And there's the momentum. 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3-1, 3- uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno.

Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovecharte del 3 por uno en medianas al omicidio solo pidiendo el line. ¿Sabes? 3 por uno, 3 por uno. ¡No, no, no! ¡Dominos! Pizza. Las últimas tendencias en botas, comodidad diércoles de 29 con 99.

Daishman, mucho por andar. ¿Qué es la California en la cuesta de la estación? Sí, muy bien. La última cónsera que me ha ido a la barcola y se ha ido a la primera cónsera. ¡Dónde es una buena cuestión de los partidos! ¡Muno de la forma! ¡El tíneche, muro mutant ninja turtles. That's what I thought Tell my aunt got me to go

Fucking lies. Yeah for every season is that them. Yeah, our intern that's earn. No, that's the birds. Yes, the bird turtles is What's the one they had? Someone else. At the Lion King? I don't know. I don't remember the concert because I was in a bubble of anger. Who's the turtle? Turtles had the one, uh, something magic.

Uh. Yes, winter plays the keytar. I swear to God, the whole drive there. Oh, I had no idea. Splinter was James Avery, the guy who just passed away from fresh puts a bell. Oh, really? That's what I was saying. Oh, shredder. Idiot, stupid fucking idiot. James Avery the guy who just passed away from fresh puts a metal Shredder oh We don't get you jerk, but

Jerk Suffer hey, what's up guys were suffer we're suffer from Des Moines, Iowa I'm Ron I'm Ron D. Gomez Well about doing your own thing, but not with alcohol. Yeah We're gonna straight edge metal. DJ Quiddit hit that beat. It's metal with DJ. New metal.

And you metal. What time we went to this kid in my high school had a band, I forget his name. I don't, but I don't want to say it on thanks. But his band was playing and that the show was like all of our high school was there. And he's like, who goes to Whitman Hansen? And we were all like, yeah. And he's like, who thinks it Whitman Henson? And we were all like, yeah!

He's like, who thinks it fucking socks? And then we were all like, I don't know, it's pretty good. There was no reaction, but there's a courtyard. The sports program's pretty sweet. Yeah, we've read football team, it's very white. We have national baccalaureate, we're pretty good. We're just like, it's just like a regular high school, we're like, I don't know.

This is the school. Who hates Whitman Hensonman hats in none of us first first concert. Joe. I saw the smashing pumpkins in 1996 I was in pro jam before it was in pro jam or 90 there were a few weeks apart 96 Spaces 96 happy together was the turtle. That's the one happy together You and me and me not even to me one time I went to see, my buddy was like, I got free tickets to see the Guess Who. And for some reason I thought it was the Who. And I was like, Guess Who is losing this guy. That's a joke for my first year of comedy.

Oh, wow. Cheers to it. Still doesn't work. I went and saw. I think I'm a better like, I saw it. Now I get why you're at your career because you had to dig yourself out of that hole I saw

We just Right right I saw John melanchamp on September 13th, 2001. A couple days after 9-11, it was amazing. Where was it? It was at the Twitter Center, or that time, great was in Mansfield, Massachusetts. And they gave away, you could bring your John Mellon camp to get to see the guest who in jail conquer

because their sales were so bad. Oh, wow. See, he could show up with your... They just want the merch, they just want the merch sales. Yeah, they just needed people in there. You've had a lot of experience with the guest who Yeah, I always thought that was the who too and I thought it was a ripoff name, but they were trying to just bank off the whose name Yeah, I guess so was it similar time period. Yeah, they were yeah, 70s first concert already

You're a mix with my older sister. That's pretty awesome. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I was pretty fun I except I got told to sit down during a slow song We were very tall. Yeah, yeah, I fun. I except I got told to sit down during a slow song. Oh wow. You were very tall. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. I was fully grown. Rebecca, first concert. 2005, Depeche Mode, Madison Square Garden. 2005, was your first concert? 2005.

I did, oh, sick. Oh wait, Bond. After that. You were already leading the old comedy scene when you saw your first concert. Were you impossible? Rumspray, are you a fucking homage? Why would you how old five? My parents were never into music. I was not allowed to watch MTV. I was allowed to watch stand-up. Really?

That's how I grew up. So I never I wasn't allowed to watch MTV either. Yeah. Yeah, my mom's like it sucks. It's spring for it. And your dad was dead. Yeah, my dad was bruising it up listening to Jimmy Buffett. Let's go We'll get to play no First concert he had to buy two seats boys Did you go see Moisha? No, the boy is mine first concert You guys First

You oh You got serve what I was like 15 15 I want my dad and my brother it was fucking dope though You should have said it like a light show is you too ever heard of them Jay and I saw smashing pumpkins big Big J and I, this last summer, that sucked up at rock in the range. How bad are they now? I saw them, I was just going Halloween with the hurricane destroyed. We were like, we'll go see Smash Bros. on Halloween.

It'll be funny. And then they got delayed because of the hurricane. And it was at Barclays. They had to shut down all the upper sections because they didn't sell. No, and they said, and then it sucked. It's just him and a band.

And they played the whole new album, Front to Back. Holy. He plays all the new stuff. And we want want to hear he plays the old stuff on like double time Yeah, yeah through it. It was really good. He's all Jesus out now Yeah, I don't know what they became all like they got like I say just him it's weird dude Billy Korgins sucks. Yeah, yeah, he's a seriously like a real cousin He's all gee he changed the words like God is empty just like me goes God is empty just like you like God is empty just like me goes God is empty just like you. I mean, I mean, I'm not going to lie. He's my cousin and I kind of have to defend them. And the Lord has done amazing things for him since he, I will say this.

He has the same body as Louis J. Gomez. That's kind of neat. He's really good looking and in shape. Far from where they didn't say, well, yeah, I guess the same haircut and everything. Louis, you're not, you don't have a bad body. I'm getting back. Uh, yeah, he does. If you see them, he's got like, he's got like, yeah, I guess the same haircut and everything. Who's your not, you don't have a bad body? I'm getting back. Yeah, he does. If you see them... It's a pregnancy weight. He's got like, he's got like, um...

I'm day six, no carbs, no beer, no sugar. You're like a worker. Day six. You're like a Brooklyn borer. You're like one of those wrestlers that the new guy is gonna shit out. Barry Horowitz. Yeah, you're the worker body.

You're like a guy who says the same joke every podcast. What a wrestler. Oh, Lewis, that is it. I didn't say that. I never said that joke, buddy. You're like a guy who says the same joke every podcast. What a wrestling role. Lewis, that is a sensitive. I didn't say that. I never said that joke, buddy. You said Brooklyn Baller. Yeah.

I have said Brooklyn Ball, yeah. Then I'm gonna rephrase that. You have a sloppy body. That ends up, yeah. You're like a frack guy center. Yeah. Someone who posts up, hey, when you've done this twice now, you say no carbs and you name two other carbs.

Well. So you're also going to... No, no, no done this twice now, you say no carbs and you name two other carbs. Well, you're also going to know our home. No complex carbs like pasta, potatoes, fucking rice, nothing like that. And then I'm doing, I'm doing like vegetables and fruit as my carbs. Sexuals are not carbs. You're there. Oh, here we go. Do you look at the kids broccoli? Broccoli is a carb. Lou's has to suck the ovens. Dick. It's a simple carb. Yeah, those look. What are you talking about? How much do I want a bet? I like this

$10 Science off! It's a science off! We have two bets in the group right now Find out what vegetables are categorized as that That's that's Fats, carbs, or a fucking protein It can only be one of the three

Is broccoli a carb? Is any vegetable a carb? Is broccoli? No, it's not a complex car it's a car the fuck you guys tell us a simple car broadrape car yeah and regular carbs are okay I think you're all crazy well it's probably true broccoli broccoli is not a car you're an idiot you're an idiot you're an

idiot you're the Brooklyn brawler you're an idiot I miscaltered everybody I think you're what I would the don't want to take that away. I would, the WWF or whatever, it was two, didn't come up with the idea that everyone is a superstar. It took them 20 years to do that. Like they would be like, oh, Kogan versus Dale Murphy.

And you're like, why would it take them so long to just make that guy a guy? Well, it contains carbohydrates. I'll give it to you. It is a carbohydrate. And give me my $10. No, it says it contains carbohydrates. So you go. It is a corporate hydrate and give me my $10. No, it says it contains carbohydrates So you go man made vegetable. I mean, yeah, there's like iron and there's other shit in it

That's an old fact. You have 10 bucks a change. It's a new fact to me You don't do a new fact 40 bucks for change. Oh, you don't have to get that kiss wild. It's a gift For what I'm gonna use that I'm gonna probably that in the more money later on you know what? I'm glad he's doing this right now I'm gonna probably that in the more money later on you know what? I'm glad he's doing this right now A little thing called a Yankee exchange back at Christmas Yankee swap. Oh, no, I don't know You can't do that right now And you fucking rub his ass good.

A real ass coupon. Yeah! Dude, you're gonna get the foot rub. Oh, no. Let's make a decision. What's it gonna be? I vote for rub. I vote for rub.

I vote for rub. Let me give our other options. This is my gift for Christmas. Here we go. We have five minutes of silence on the podcast. No, he's being good today. I know. He's not gonna get silenced

We need him today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can apologize to whoever he's offended Which is yeah, whomever I might use that actually other thing was pretty brutal. We could do 30 seconds of simulated BJ on a dildo, but we'll save that that's fun Must complete three acts of kindness by the end of the day. You give the shit about that. Yeah That's what get coffee for everyone 10 minute foot or back rub. Oh Of course, they're gonna be foot rub Compliment Kelly which I'm gonna make this when it hurts the most yeah It's really matter I'm gonna wait for I'm gonna taste it's really matter. Yeah, right. I'm gonna wait for it.

I'm gonna taste it like a sauce. I want Lewis to rub your fucking dumb Colorado hooks. You know what? How's your athletes put right now? I want the top. I picture your toes going in different directions. My toes are gross. Oh, they have to be.

All men toes are gross. I have hobbit feet. They're all gross Which one are you doing? I don't know You could just tease him. It's easy. We just what you want to get a deal in it Yeah, I say for let's get some sexual tension in here. We got a nice The second lady here if you want to wait that's 30 seconds simulate now I'll wait for 30 seconds Bob is gotta be here for the blowjob. Oh, okay Well, I checked these coupons Is

Let me just think about it. I'll think about the ten minute. All right. All right. That's a good one I might want the foot rub on a day when I'm I don't like it you can just point out at any time and fucking torture me. I think sodor is gonna go get a pedicure That's what I think he's gonna do and then let's? Why would I just throw? There's no joke in that. Oh, you're gonna have a night you're gonna have nice little soft feet I think you self-conscious, but you feet right now. That's the reason you're I did that right now some girl getting in front of in San Francisco my athlete was so fucking bad Do this foot. Why? 2p on your feet. I did and here's what happened. That doesn't help. It got far worse and it came back. That's a five every day for like three weeks. So, I'm if like broccoli's not

carbs. So the last 14 years it hasn't been working for me because of it. I soaked my foot in my own piss one time and my buddy's pot because I stepped on like a sharp shell or something cut my foot. I thought it's done. And you soaked it in there. Yeah. I've done that too. Yeah. And it was like his pots and pans. What is this piss helps your foot thing? It's just a myth. It doesn't make your hands stronger too. Yeah, it's a big stronger. Yeah, I Piss off my hands. I piss on my hands. Whoa, stop. Nothing. Double nothing. But what do you need strong? Why do you need such strong hands? Well, I have my my this hand is really weak because it fucking

15 years 15 He sat on it out 15 How's it go? I crushed all the ten minutes on mr. Scopo your hand will never be the same We can give you a Luke Skywalker like hand. Oh, that was a good one big butt crushed your hand So what happened? Why is it all give a big Like catching a whole time. Oh, like just constantly catching fastballs and it's hurt after a long time It's the web you dumb dumb now you catch it in the center. What? It's catching in the center. It's easy for the exchange the web So you piss on your hand not all the time, but sometimes it's my hands are weak It doesn't help. Do you do does you dip them in or do you like to?

No, I don't fucking piss on them to go out of the shower. I kind of wash them off. I wash them off. That's what I do. What, how does that work? What would be the reason it's the work? It's the chemicals in your piss or whatever. It does, I'm telling you, that's a fucking

dig your coach was fucking with you. No, go piss on your hands, it'll help. No, every, a lot of guys have done that. A lot of old bullplates have done that. Yeah, no, it's true though, but I just like this to how is it true? You guys are just saying it's true Hey scope of your ear piece of shit you become a better catcher Are there pores in your hand it seeps through it can just be the skin So it seeps through and now into the muscle it doesn't help hey guys watch this he scope What you go up?

They're gonna like call him now and be like did you know that scopo still pissing on his hands? The guys like an old folks homie's like Are you kidding me? No. I'm telling you, I heard him on a podcast. Go, why don't you go, me and any other people were listening to this podcast and it turns out he still pisses on his hands. I'm a big Bobby Kelly guy. I was going to turn it off when I found out Bobby wasn't there.

I'm glad I didn't this kid pictures out of hands What's your science Chris? What if we pissed on your hand? Yeah, you might be like super string Hands would be sure you're his piss Your brand For dumping piss on this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this ball of this Stronger pissing. I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it. I've looked it up. The pissing on the hands? It contains urea, which is actually an active ingredient in fighting fungus. But, according to wiki answers, no, it's not concentrated enough to have any effect. Physical strength?

I mean, that doesn't make sense. Physical strength, I don't know. Could you piss on any body part? It makes your hands harder. It makes your hands harder. It makes your hands harder. Yeah, it gets harder. Harder. Harder, harder. Well, that makes a little little more since then strong old ball players used to do it so they didn't have to fucking like for the gripping the bat

Yeah, they made it call us well stronger and harder are different words Well explain it's I don't piss on my hands regularly I think I believe I just pick you pissing and then just crushing cans I just pick you pissing and then just crushing cans You piss and then go to wash your hands and just crush the soap Just got oozes through his fingers. Louis. We can't have you on you. We can't have two people on their phone Sorry, let me me lose momentum. Bobby would be the least. Where's phone jail? Where's phone jail? I don't know, for a year in it. My asshole.

Here, 20 bucks. I've lost two now. Oh, you lost two? Oh, I'm not taking it. I got to take it. This is crazy, dude. Oh, we should break out some left-right center. Where's the game?

What's the game? I don't think it'll work in a podcast. I don't think so. No, that's ridiculous. They wouldn't be able to see. You guys are stupid. I don't think so. Let's get weird.

Let's get weird. Let's get weird. Let's piss on each other's hands. Let's pee in a bowl and have scopo dip his hand in it. Askew, are you still doing that? And it's just not even true. I was with Metzkar. I was with Metzkar in New Year's in Toronto, and we're going back.

Did you hear about this at all? I had to go to the... We're going back to the hotel and some guys like some guy recognized me. So I was like, oh, cool, Ari. I was like, oh, hey, how you doing? And then it was like, he was just a fan. But they like, oh, hey, how you doing? And then it was like, it was just a fan. But they goes, oh, it's a Kurt.

He goes, I know you too. You're Joe DeRosa's friend. Oh. Oh. Oh. That was brutal. Oh, man. I bet DeRosa liked hearing about that one.

Oh. Messier's the one cutting himself out. He just says, shoulders slump. And he's went in the other way. He started looking more like Joe DeRosa. DeRosa probably went home, pissed on his hands and jerked off. That's strong. That's got to be because that first feeling where he's like, oh, I know you, a

Metzger's like, all right, thank you. Thank you, thank you. You might have seen my afawa. Thank you. Joe to Rosa's. That'd be like if someone came up to me like your friends was Kelly Fistuka. I'd be like,

haha. I'd be breathing like I just got the window out of me. I'd be like, if they said your friends are Kelly Fistuka, that means they just know you because they met her with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like a regular,

your friends went to my friend Bob. I'm trying to think which one would hurt the most. Who would hurt the most? If somebody said they know you's being their friend Yeah, which one of my friends would it hurt to be like all your friends with show this can't who's your crew? Dumber one time I thought so my crew is I don't know sodor like crew Oh boy Norman here. They're all here right now Norman film a Phil Hanley Samaril Gravyter that's our sort of crew

Maggie I don't as close with Maggie as those guys though. Yeah Norman Philman Phil Hanley Samarill Veter that's our sort of crew Maggie I don't as close with Mac he is those guys though. Yeah Maggie I like Mac he put it really seal enough. Yeah He's fucking very religious. I think he I think he's got things that he doesn't care about is he really good? Super religious He goes on to see his parents like twice a month in Pennsylvania. I'm gonna do that Yeah, yeah, God fear man, but why why would he fear that? I use a southern ice we tell it he changed a lot We got an MTV and I mean he breaks guy code constantly I mean like Lewis and I think we look pretty tight now you Are you and me and Dave, we hang on every day.

We touch Dicks. Ah. Ah, that's the way you make friends. I'm sorry. I'm taking. So you give people herpes. I think we got a little crew. Touch Dicks.

It's our father. I was a neighbor. I get to guy who moved away. Yeah, Nate moved away. He was cute. Yeah, but now he's moving back, right? Or is he just going to wait? He's going to wait.

Nate's TV show gets picked up. He's going to move to Old Hickory Tennessee with his family and his field road guy. Yeah, probably right now. Oh, absolutely. let's say when Nate's TV show gets picked up he's going to move to old hickory Tennessee with his family. Oh, Road guy. Yeah, I'm really right now. Oh, I'm sure Nate's fantasy. Yeah, Nate's not trying to it. Nate hates New York City There's really who were you the one who brought this up to me like when Nate moves like a cool city Like he moved like an hour out in Queens to where it's not the city anymore because he wants to like pretend that the city isn't cool Or he's in LA and he's an hour out and fucking some shit in place in their airport the city is in cool reason L.A. and he's an hour out and fucking some shit place in their airport.

He lives in there. He lives in parts of the world. He doesn't know that it's cool to live in a city. He wants to think it's cool to live in the fucking state. In the country. It sucks, Nate. You suck. Nate is in cities out of necessity.

Nate isn't sure. He just lives far away because he hates black people. Well, he lives away, closer to black people now that if he lived in like. Oh, really? Oh, he has to live in England. He lives in Torrance. Torrance is gross. He lives in Torrance. Torrance is gross.

Like down by Torrance. Torrance is gross. It's like 45 minutes. It's like casinos there, that's all it's there. Jack Torrance? I'm gonna play Pope. He lives by the Ikea. That's where he lives in LA.

That's where any Ikea you're not. That's where I had to play places. That's where I had to tell people where I'm like, I'm staying with Nate, like where does he live? I'm like, the Ikea. He lives at the Ikea. Yeah Nate doesn't like cities, He will. He'll be in Tennessee 100% doing theaters. I will be living in his guesthouse. Yeah with my family Your whole your uncle Jesse. Are you gonna get married or anything or no me and Nate I am Definitely not in Tennessee

Yeah, I mean as soon as she stops hating me for more than a week. Does she hate you? Dude, the motherhood is not... Kind of anyone. Not like you think. Why is she mad at you? Her whole life is being a mom now. Yeah.

And my life is being a comic and having a kid at all. I mean, mad at him. She resents that. She definitely, so it's kind of trying to find a balance now before that What was her life? Well, she had a job and she fucking had friends no more job No, she's gonna photography for a few days a week. Oh, right. All right But yeah, I mean it look it's just right now as well He's also not sleeping very much. It just creates a lot of like volatility in the house. Yeah, yeah who wakes up who wakes up to go She's for the most part. She'll wake up at during the the nighttime

a couple days a week. I wake up up I get up in the like six six 30 but It's just no Lewis has a word of that calendar and he just used volatility, which is pretty proud of It's really cut managed to keep a straight face when he did it You guys are relationships very volatile. He's like there's a lot of volatility Who dog for the score Blue she go as one English language zero Hey, here's a neat story about a page a day calendar if we can make it serious and go back to 9-11 I'm gonna bring it all together. I had one of those page a day calendars back in 2001 and

I like noticed the new guy got a new one for Christmas, and I went to change it, and I hadn't changed mine since 9-11, not consciously, literally, because I was just watching the news, whatever, all the rest of that week, and I just forgot, and I left it on 9-11. So the world changes, like a little thing. What was the word?

What was the happy message to you? It wasn't like a word a day, it was the happy message that was like a word today was like a baseball trivia I don't remember where was G-Hod yeah in order to become a better baseball player what should you do to your hands a.p. on the other. B take a dump in there. I think someone just lied to you about that. No I've heard a lot of a lot of a lot of older catchers used to do it.

Yeah I've heard about it before in baseball. Specifically. Yeah a lot of older catchers used to fucking put leeches on their body to get rid of disease to scope. You know what? That happens. I would have did it too. But it could like baseball players from the Dominican Republic were there to say happy on my hand and make strong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Scopus like fucking out of dance club. Yeah. I can watch Puerto Rico. Those guys know what I heard from Johnny Bench. Johnny Bench. Johnny Bench. I would have to do it if he told me that. Bench is in his name. He can't be good. I saw Johnny Bench.

Can't agree with you. Yeah, it's the first time I got Starstruck in a long time. His kit just played it a couple of unit. He plays it. He plays it. He plays it. He's a wider receiver at the University. I heard a crazy story. Tommy Johnigan saw Kengerpie Jr. in like in LA having lunch and Tommy and his buddy were like let's buy Kengerpie Jr's lunch Oh, wow, and they sent a waiter of and paid for his lunch and Griffey invited them over and he was like hey Thanks for doing that and they're like oh, thank you and Griffey was like sit down. Let's hang out and like well We didn't want to bother you and he's like I ain't got shit to do and they hung out with Kengerpie Jr. for like two hours We didn't want to bother you and he's like, I ain't got shit to do. And they hung out with King of the Junior for like two hours.

Wow, that's a great story. Yeah, that's a straight legend. Yeah, that's pretty good. Grace Sneaker's in the game. Something. I heard a story about Shaq. My friend told me he was a waiter. Could be alive, I don't know.

But somebody asked him, like, hey, my kids are in this other in the other side room, they're having a birthday party. If you could just come say hi, it would really make their day. And he goes, well, let me finish my burger, then I'll go in there. And then he finished up and like, you know, 30 minutes later, went in there and then hung out with him for like hours, letting them all play on his arms,

like cram up, yeah, and then paid for the entire meal. What? Yeah. One time Armando Santé's daughter swallowed my come and then ditched the ability to smoke comedy club. I remember that. Yeah. Who was that?

I was the Santé's daughter. Armando Santé, the bad guy from Fudge and Jotry. I knew it! He played Gaudi in the Sante's daughter. I'm on the son to the bad guy from fucking He played goddy in the goddy movie. Yeah, his daughter's a fucking time. That was the one you went downstairs with Jesus Listen to the show, you know, I don't care. Fuck her. She ditched the bill at ease feeling I had a fucking pay it Oh ditched the bill you talk weird. What the hell you're talking about? Why'd you pay? Why'd you that's paid? Because I invited her I got her in opposite like sold out I got her like seats with her and a friend. She was a mess She's a fucking pig. Well, she was like yelling shit out. I was on the other side She was a mess. Yeah, she sucks. Yeah, fuck that guy. He's still

Jay Marco me. Yeah me and Jay and Christine were all walking towards Towards the place that I was like hey, let me stop here for candy So he walked in there like five minutes before us and so he's like hey, my friend is here. He just moved in the town He's funny like you should have him and his response was so do you think he's better than me? What The spots He think he's better than me. Wow, that is I think I'm

Better than anyone that says do you think you're better than me without? I was like it's not even the point. I mean, yes But what are you talking about? You own a comedy club and you're wearing a wife, beater, and shorts on a Friday night. Yes. Yes, I'm better than you. What kind of rabbit insecurity bubbles up? Like, who's he better than me?

Where is he? He's getting candy. I want to know. I'm showing me his face. What a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. The wife, the wife, the wife, the baby family is not a fan of Eastpillar Marcos. Show me his face Fucking loser The whitey wv. The whitey wv family is not a fan of East filler markup. There's no one any there's no one on the family that works There's no one on the whitey wv family that works. I heard I heard a tell one in there and he goes I just don't get it

No, to me that's a truth like it tells on stage. I'm watching him and like all and it tells you an all like new shit Of course, he's a genius and buy for eight minutes at Eastwood. David's telling So Mark Aliens into me. He goes he goes yeah, dude. I just don't get it and I look at him like yeah, dude You don't yeah, you really don't yeah, how about this David tell him what you mean last night and Said I said I bought and listen to your album wow Wow, listen to my album. Wow. That's insane. That's awesome. And I was in Paris, like, it's the worst album ever. And he was like this. Yeah, there's some pearls on there. Yeah. Then he named a couple. Really? That was the biggest thrill of my career. Wow, that's brilliant. What does he do all night? I think he just listens to comedy. And he looks up references too. He's really paranoid. I think

that he's going to have something similar to somebody ever. He'll be like this. He's like, hey, do you do a thing about a pirate fucking an omidget on Thanksgiving? No, no one's ever done that. That's bread and vecky own does that now. Vecchio don't come out of his room and be like, hey, do you have, I'll be like stone playing Xbox and be like, wait, you're doing it in a tells voice though. And be like, do you have a joke? And then I'll be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like nine jokes. I'm like, no one has those jokes. Yeah. Why are you

Making me feel like shit for no reason Yeah, then I sit in front of my laptop going look Mike. I'm riding and then I don't one time I asked it out a lot. It's kind of interesting where he's like anyone in L.I. Is anyone in L.I. do anything? Yeah, yeah, not that I've seen. I was like okay cool. Yeah That guy's something else. Wait, we were talking about oh So he doesn't work like He's a thousand more years ago Kurt doesn't Vicki own doesn't I thought someone started to tell a story though. Didn't you say one time you I thought that was you No, I said one time. I was gonna make a joke though. Oh, I got truck Hudson. I never know that in everyone. You got another chance

Take that chance to not do here. We're all sick Anyways, my first meeting with it. Why? No, I've never been up there Take that chance to not do here. We're all sick. Haha. Anyways. My first meeting with him. You get up when he's home? No, I've never been up there. I just went that one time, he was so standoffish that I was like, and then Jay told me that thing afterwards. I was like, oh, I guess, that makes sense.

I'm like, why would he be standing? I hadn't even met him yet. He's already like, true. That's a weird thing, dude. He doesn't want people to tell him who he should use. So if somebody recommends you that works. How come he works? It's a bad thing. No, it's a bad thing to be recommended.

A lot of companies like that. A lot of people want it to be their idea. Margot wants to be like the guy that discovers the guy. Where's he going to discover? He goes up there. Where's he going to discover you? That's my question. He only owns that club.

He's only at that club. Rebecca, how do you use recommendations, right? Constantly. Yeah. The whole thing should work. I have to tip a point where if you recommend somebody and then they don't do well, it? Constantly. Yeah. I mean, that's how the whole thing should work. I have to put it to the point where, like, if you recommend somebody and then they don't do well, like, it matters to me a lot. Yeah.

Joe Liston, I've had to have a couple of conversations. No. I brought a comedic genius in. Did you recommend somebody bad joke? No, I brought any chide new and he hadn't done stand up by himself in a long time. He was set up for failure and he family. He was perfectly great comment. And then luckily, Adome and came in and was like, red Becca, do you know him?

And I was like, thank God, Adome and his here to save the fucking day. Adome and his the best agonization for you, right? That's the number one guy for you. Turn the Becca by the way. That's what Colin helps me, Rex. No, no, if you somebody said, hey, you should look at this guy. Like, who were that best come from for you?

Colin. Colin, okay. Adome means, Colin Kane, really? Because Colin, because Colin, like, he super hot, okay. Oh for sure. Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it?

Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it?

Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? just so he can fuck them. No. No. No. I'm thinking whether or not I've done that with that female comic.

Have you? I have definitely had guys. I've had guys recommend girls to me for Cabin. And I've said, I'm gonna find out if you fucked her or not. And generally speaking, they don't do as well if you did. Bobby Lee used to do that with his commercial agent. And his commercial agent would have to call it, like, hey, this girl called me.

Do you just want to fuck her? Can I just take a meeting or do I have to actually sign her? Like, is she talented? Like, let me know. That's a late answer. Yeah, so funny. I knew it. I've had moments where people are like, I have like friends that do like,

dabble in comedy and they're great people, but then they're like, introduce me to the fucking. So I do interviews and then like, run back, I have to refine them, like, that guy's a fucking lunatic. Oh yeah. I just write it into the internet. I'm like, is there right in front of you, seeing him like, oh, right. It's just been heard, like, oh, yeah. Yeah,atic. I just write it in the newspaper. I love that guy. Cause they're writing funny, you see him like, oh, it should've been heard like, oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm doing like a chicken wing. Yeah, I think that happens a lot. I think everyone, I, I, I always just say, hey, I'm not a person to recommend somebody. That's not gonna work. Craziest thing I've ever seen in my life is this drunk chick one night downstairs at the cellar. Yeah.

Uh, I'm smoking a cigarette outside and this girl runs out. She's like, my boyfriend started doing open mics in Long Island Can I send him can I send you his clips and you recommend number the dollar Chris Scopo and I go Chris Scopo remember that name Scopo did you say of course? I'm not I was standing there. I go Not I don't feel comfortable doing that like that. She's like, are you fucking serious? So no one's helped you out and I was like, they put that on you. I was like, no, I earned everyone recommending me your head.

You're headers going, daddy. Daddy's dead. Daddy got me into the salad. Bobby, you've been really quiet today. Yeah, I'm hungry. Somebody brought me online. Somebody brought me online. It was like, hey, how do I, I just started doing stand-up about a year and a half ago and I'm ready to start headlining What do I do and I'm like head line well you wait another three years then yeah Then you MC a couple times then you feature for about six or seven years

And then you're there or 11 whichever way it works for yeah, I didn't MC recently be like I've got like a 90 minutes that I'm pretty proud of. I'm really, really, that I'm ready to record. I go, oh, that's cool because those 12 up front fucking ate it. So some some comments from Philly, I came to the cell, went to the cellar and then came and spoke to call a few other comments from Philly, they're like, what's up with the cellar? I asked for a check spot and they wouldn't give it to me. What? What? The balls to walk up the studio.

Hey, Gigi. A lack of understanding of any place in the world. Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready to go up. Yeah, you guys are the comic shop. You guys do comedy, yeah, I'm pretty funny. Let me go up. Well, you great to hold on.

That's not even that in the in the grand scheme. It's just you think you're better off a deal. That's that one that that one place. It's not that crazy for that guy to walk into a fucking place. If you know some comics there and ask for check spots at Broadway Broadway, but you should check with the comics. You should know. Be like, hey, what's the deal here? Do they do check spots? How do you not know if you're a comic? What the seller is like and you not know that's a little New York Elite is Yeah, yeah, but he's from Philly though. He wasn't like he was from fucking Canada. It's also like I think some of you don't give a shit about this

No, where we're like can I do might be, is anyone doing the check spot? Like, can I, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you don't know there's no check spot here. But then, Austin, you hear these stories about you gotta be bold. You hear those stories working. You hear stories about people being like, you think you can do better than me, and then the guy gets up,

and that guy was Patrice Onil, and you're like, wow, I guess sometimes. But when I first came to stand up in New York, like a long time ago, I saw Jay, they would do just an intermission for the check spot, and then if a comic happened to be there, then they could do the thing. I don't know. I don't know.

That's not true. My first year, you're confusing a different place. I started at San up New York. So did I. They've always had a check spot. I was doing the check spot for two years. They had a check spot but no one had the spot. I would have.

Whoever was there, but otherwise the host would eat the time. It wouldn't be an intermission where they'd stop. They'd go to the bathroom, the checks are coming. They gave it like a raffle of prize. That's probably what they did. But the host it like a raffle a prize that's probably the Host would do a raffle no no they've never not somebody on that's what I I that was my linchpin like I fucking went to State of New York every night and I was like I do the checks but I was there early that's how me and Dan became friends Yeah, he does the same thing for himself now, Benji sometimes rubber not always once in a while and I used to get drunk

Kevin I sell he doesn't sometimes but bernstein christopher not the same guy uh... i'll be like the mistake you know one of the of recommending somebody is me trying to get big day into the comedy store in a way which is resisted resisted and then finally uh... i asked for it and he goes all right well bill bird is the same thing you drove all the way down here didn't have a spot just tell me about this guy

I'm like what shouldn't that shouldn't you look at him that yeah And that a good sign you and bill bur are recommending your comic the fucking He's like no yeah, why do they hate it is I found out later he wanted to be the one doing it He wanted to be like hey look I saw you and I think that's a big deal to people They want to be the person that fucking I saw you and I think that's a big deal to people they want to be the person that fucking That's your only sense of power if you're talking no offense But it that's your only sense of like people are gonna come up to me because I there's no I can't make someone's career anything. I can just give this one thing So I have to make it a powerful thing like you need me for this

But in the way of like with you to being standoffish like at Eastville why wouldn't you just be like well Let me take a look at this guy. Let me say hi. I wouldn't even ask him for a spot. I just said, I'm gonna ask to meet you. And you can still have the power. You can be like, P.U., he's not here, my friend. Vekkyone had it at Eastville where he was like,

Nate tried to get him to fill in a spot and he goes, yeah, tell him he's not gonna get paid. And Vekkyone was like, why would I even go there? I don't know. Vekkyone was doing six spots in a night. Which by the way, he'll tell me he not going to get paid. But in his mind is going, yes, I got a good comic that I don't have to pay now because that would happen all

the time. Somebody wouldn't show up and then me and Dave would be there or me and they'd be like, yeah, go up and do that spot. Then we do. We get off stage and we're like, what about the pay? They're like, oh, no, no, no. And then he brag about saving this $75. That happened to me. That happened to me. That happened. Saving $75. That happened to me that happened to me that happened saving $75 that happened to me Dave Smith and I were out front and I was hosting in Todd Lynn didn't show so I did thank God I did his time and then I know that he's dead fuck you I mean that guy whatever day went up and did 10 minutes as it because there's no one there I went back up Sharad didn't show we kept the show going finally there's a theme here black guys not show

Then Todd Barry walked in, we put him up, and I'm outside smoking a cigarette, and he's like, he comes out saying, he's like, I saved $150 tonight, and I go, you know, it'd be pretty cool if you gave the host, and maybe the guy that did the guesspots money, and he goes, oh, so do, like I was like, and I was like, I'm gonna remember that shit.

Their way of thinking is, they can just say, like, nah, this spot isn't a guest spot, that's the rule. So, I mean, it's not not the rule. That means you're taking the money instead of me. You're just some guy taking the money. Nate had a great line because it was always like, the budget, we just don't have the budget. We don't have, that was always the excuse.

We don't have the budget for it, and Nate goes, hey man, comedians are the budget. If you don't have comedians, you just have a room with booze in it. He's not even a fun ball. That makes sounds like a better place. Yeah, that you just have a room with booze in it. It's not even a fun ball. That makes sounds like a better place. Yeah, that's like some room with booze. Yeah, a ball.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, that budget shits bullshit. They want to show you all the time. Yeah, I don't have the budget. But they wanted to be their idea, even on the alt scene, like when people like recommend certain bookers, you know that that's gonna screw. Well, it's like you don't say hey You should have this guy here five times a week. Just be like just take a look at this guy Yeah, I don't know is like have you seen so yeah, I know it's like you have to say it's a light way

Yeah, though like it has to be casual and you have to say it in a way that you gotta mix that with some guys like if some known Guy like if Metzger wants to come in and do a spot at Eastphilis I said you got to be like oh sure We'll take him he's a legitimate funny part of this this comedy scene Yeah, and then I'll discover some other people to fill that in with yeah, but like I know or even a recommend like Hey, you should look at this dude. He's funny and then it's still your discovery. You're the one put it up I just said this guy's funny. That's where talking about Montreal They want to be the ones saying that we did it they got a development deal here

When they just take people that already have their stock, you know what I mean? I guess is it mostly goes there like failed comics and they want to you know that's a tricky thing No, I don't know a lot of art. I never just there are some There's so I don't think but I think I think most of them get a bad rep because some of them are filmed Yeah, I think it's just people want to be the one saying, I found that, I did that. It's the power. Yeah, it's also like it feels better.

It's a lot, it's like natural human intuition. People want to feel important. You know what I'm saying? I've always felt really connected with that concept of, people do things for two reasons. Either feel important or to get pussy. That's the only reason why anybody ever does anything. And people typically want to feel important.

Money and pussy. It's also a generation thing. I was talking about this last night. It's like all the people are owning shit now. They're all already, they're all 30-somethings. They're part of this me generation of like, hey, I'm the fucking superstar. I'm the person that's in charge.

I'm the person who sits there. So people like Marco and some other comedy club owners and bookers, they sit and they want to fucking be the fucking man. Rebecca, you're up in your fucking apartment 99% of the time because you don't really want to fucking deal with a lot of the bullshit of being, I honestly, the bullshit to be the man, but you don't seem like you just want to come off like the man you don't sit there going, that's what the bongs are.

That's why she's upstairs. But no, the truth of the matter is is that I am am in my apartment, probably about 90% of the time, but I'm also constantly working. But what I'm sorry. I hit work all day. You know what I'm saying? I should rephrase that. What I mean is, you don't see as if you want to come off like the man.

You're not there to come off like the man. Well, the truth of the matter is, is that it helps our community, our community of artists. It helps you guys, if I listen to you guys. I'm better at my job because of the recommendations, not just on who I should be putting up or who I should be looking at, but also how I should run the room. You guys know better than I do,

I'm not gonna be that arrogant, that's ridiculous. Yeah, and if more people were like you, there wouldn't be all these comedy clubs with 100-foot ceilings, we realize, hey, all the momentum. And the basement and the whole fucking thing is in the back. It's like, oh, Jesus.

This is a beautiful, stored open. It's empty. It looks nice. It's like, everything, just like, that's a music venue. Music there. We need a ceiling. Yeah. They want to feel important.

Everybody wants to feel important. And the problem is though, especially in place like New York, where they're like, you need me. It's like, we don't need you. You don't. There's nine other options. There is not a greater feeling in the world than having someone like Marco be like, you can't work and you're like, I don't need you. There's nine other options. There is not a greater feeling in the world than having someone like Marco be like,

you can't work and you're like, I don't care. I don't have time anyway. I have so many more options and better options. Yeah, I was in the same thing with you. I walked out, I said, I go fuck some of them. Lewis and I both within a month were out of Eastville when we had been there for years.

Simply for the fact of, I don't have the will that power shit, you don't want to fucking pay me. Grant, did I went to a very dark place And I was gonna quit comedy better year later, but you know what it was a good decision. I was all roses and rainbows I don't know why Lewis is mentioned because I was gonna There's only have power over people who can't get spots anywhere else. Yeah, there was only two people I've only I've walked out of there was Marco where I said I just want to work your club Go fuck stuff and then what's is the red headed guy from Long Island City. Oh, yeah, Steve

I said it was yeah, well, yeah, I told him to go fuck yourself. You can't make your money off comics That's not supposed to be your income source. Yeah, he fucking dude. He had a lot of multiple applications to perform at his place like I'm filling out these online applications Submitting videos and then I went and I did a competition where I just shouldn't it's like two years I shouldn't have even done the competition There was four people in the crowd and I lost because they were friends with one of the other people So I had a stand there. I did that I did that I did the comp with the one day night They called it like a new up-and-coming thing. There's maybe 20 people in the audience

I did part of competition that it just have it here. What does the winner get for? I know the winner get the winner the winner get pass your pass pass I went up did what it did the best out of everybody he wasn't even there to see me and then set me an email saying We're not we're not passing you sorry What I did he was there I fucking did great. I was the only real comic on the show was all open-mikers I I find out then I was like you know what did I get to go to another spot before is even because there's four people in the crowd I mean there's six comics. I was like in another spot So he's like email me. He's like always really prefer you to say to the end. No, that's because he has to protect his dumb rule. He says, this is the way I get to say that

I'm not abusing these comics. We have a competition. So if you leave, that means it's not a competition worth winning. And then he can't get to say that anymore. So I sure they bring us all, they bring us all up on stage. And then they, uh, they go right, they go, they ask for applause for who's the best. And there's four four people So there's politely applaud for everybody like Oh, they didn't do that they didn't do that for me. The host goes to them He was like no, we have to have it. It's a gay guy's like we have to have a winner So and then he goes to them individually. He's like who did you like who did you and I'm sitting there losing my mind on stage Horrible, there's no what's funny is I ended up getting one of the votes still was one of the other just friends

The one guy won and I like left. I was like this sucks. I leave So Steve off setters like he was like yeah, dude He was like I thought you were really funny. We'd love to have you back And I was like alright something came out of it. So I email him. I was like you know I'd love to you know put an avail and he sends me another application to do another contest And then I email I was like dude. I can't fill out another application to do another contest I can't do it. It's fucking ridiculous J.R. It's scripted that to me when when Dave When they're doing like that thing late night

where the three comics judged you, where they're doing like the voice. And I mean, it was awesome because it was, Bobby, Patrice told you we're great. I've heard it a hundred times. But JR's saying I sounded like Kurt, he's like, you sound like Kurt, you can't work here.

And I was like, I just have a deep voice and I sound nothing like Kurt. And also Kurt's one of my favorite joke riders. So thank you. And then now he's working at Stand Up New York as a manager. Yeah, it's a weird though. And it's weird because he's like, JR from the strip. And he's like, which one's he?

Saddered inites, works at the Stand Up New York. He works like running the show. He runs the podium. He was at the commensure for like 25 years. But they push your hair. No, he's not bald. Oh, you got it. But now I walk in, he's like, hey, how you doing it?

And I'm like, fuck you. He put I walk in, he's like, hey, how you doing it? I'm like, fuck you. He, he, he, he, he, but now like those Latin shows for like, like, maybe twice a month for a few months and then just stopped preparing my emails. And now we work, uh, Santa, I'm near a pretty regularly. So like walk away, walk in, be like, yeah, dude. Sorry. I got him like a pleasantry. I can be like, hey, I like Jerry's cool.

I don't really know him as a dude, but I'm just like, hey, how you doing, man? Something, it's like they don't realize like, they think what drives us is that the need to succeed and be famous whatever. It's like what drives those comics is to be able to tell them years later this dream of going, I'll never work your club. Yeah. We all just want to get that famous. We're just rubbing on our G on the outside of our G. It's like, I want to fuck until you

to go fuck yourself. I have people I want to tell go fuck yourself. I have people I want to go fuck yourself. I'm a hugeer. Because of the Robber Burnstein thing? Oh no, challenge. But Judah, I told you that. I told you that. The comedy store that's here.

Years ago, just keep working. Keep trying to be funny. And trust me, years later you'll be able to tell a bunch of those people to fuck yourself. But he goes, by that point, you won't care. And you won't care. He's a be working. Come up with a hat thing He started I saw that well wasn't the checkstop in the checkstop. It's beautiful every club that doesn't do the checkstop

Yeah, I agree they at a club and Calgary they were like hey, we saw this. What's it deal? I'm like which one the yuck yucks there. Okay, but they're like a cool yuck yucks I do the look headliner club is different with showcase clubs. I have mixed feelings No, but he was like he was like a so what's the deal? I'm like the deal is you know what it is That 10 minutes of the checks would drop you made it worse for comedy. Yeah, you absolutely You're not want to work hard. There's some good arguments that against it. I look I sure I know with like I'll be books of cheques about every night. We didn't at first the host would just eat the cheques are in that time But then there was a lot of young comics who just wouldn't have an opportunity to get up

At a on a real show for the real people. Yeah, see your anti-checkspot, so you don't you would have a career for more Showcase clubs though there's a place for for a check spot. You people careers can I think that it's up to the host and it's up in the club to art to articulate in their own way that this is obviously time when Check's are gonna come out you can also drop afterwards. You can just drop out. Yeah, or everyone can do one minute less material Literally no, but you know what it is? It's be ready. Here's what here's what afraid dude They have to have a bouncer at the end saying hey, then you have to pick up, it's be ready. Here's what, here's what you're ready. Here's what you're ready. Do they have to, they have to, they have to, they have to have a bouncer at the end to say, hey, then you have to pick up answer. That's, that's hold on, but that's the problem though.

They have to pick up answer. But how much is a bouncer at night? They already have about 50 bucks. They already have about that. Not every comment club has a bouncer. And Joe, I'm not against, uh, check spots. I'm against check spots at headlining clubs. Oh yeah, like that's fine.

Yeah, well that, that I agree with. And then, I don't even talk about last call at headlining clubs. That's, well, that's almost as bad as headlining clubs. That's almost as bad as headlining clubs. Last call is a nightmare. That's also bad. You know what happens is that's when people are talking. That's what people start.

What do you want to do? Should we do that around? Yeah, because we're not going to get another drink. And then after the bar, the bar is closed. What do you guys want to do after this? Should we go, I don't know. I'm going to be closed. I'm going to reference this later.

Yeah. I need you to hear what I'm saying now. Yeah, but let's just, I don't know. And then I'll be like, who is he? Let me see him. I don't want to see him. Is he better than me? Does he smell better than me?

I don't like him if he smells better than me. The idea there is to look out for new comics though. I don't see. It's like, that's just another spot you can have. I just imagine he has a henchman that's like, boss. There's a new comedian in town. I'll take care of him.

He won't be working the Eastville. Stand up New York had the best answer for it. They go, if we had a check spot, it would take an extra 10 minutes and we could only have three shows on a Saturday instead of four. Wait, Santa, New York does have a check spot. Yeah, but he said if we did away with it,

we would have to do away with one show on Saturdays. But instead of having everyone do 15 minutes, have everyone do 13 minutes. 14, you have that extra. Yeah, I think the real thing is they're concerned with people not paying once The bills are dropped at the end there who's concerned with people taking a fucking It would take more work to change that to make sure that I'm happy we take a little bit of effort They wouldn't be able to just do things as they've been doing it as a product of the check spot I believe in the check spot life I don't think that the check spot. I believe in the check spot. Life of capitalism.

I don't think that the check spot actually does launch careers. I think that it's a splash that they throw somebody and those people should be getting up anyway. I will say this. Or occasionally check your late and you get a really good spot out of it. It made me fucking tough as well.

I've set open mics. I've fucking. No, I think if you're not going to have a check spot, then clubs should still have a six minute guest spot for new gum If you want put Ari in the in the sense of open mics make you strong and the way check spots work for me at least was You learned how to read a crowd like that's how I learned like all these guys are done paying and I'm getting some laughs Let me work them and then I can move to them Yeah, and then I can see how I did too. I always focus on pockets of people

And then you and then by the time you get in front of a real crowd without checks, like fuck this joke's working. You know how they get a conversation. Yeah, it's really, so I think it can be a good thing, but I think, you know, I just want to, headlining clubs, it's just, it's parents with LOL, like literally, we weren't doing them at all.

And then a bunch of people kept on fucking saying, hey, do checks, boss, do check spots. And then there's a few guys that take advantage of them and they really love them. And they just would not do that. I love that, Robbie Burns. They're never done there, though. They're never done.

That's a war. I go on, and then it's like, oh, you guys are still all paying your bills. The whole thing is good. I love that guy. I had any club before they go on. Here's what it is. The check spot is the brunt of the checks. The first ten minutes, people are still going to be paying their bills a little bit at the

end. Yeah. That's true, but it sucks for the person at the end, too. It sucks for the person at the end. That's why when somebody calls the show, you You got to be good. If you build up those kind of calluses like you're talking about like if you want that tool in your toolbox, go to an ambush show on the alt scene. You don't have to. Oh, you could just piss on your

hands. But you I think you should do all of it. I think it should be every I think you should do ambush shows. I mean, I have eaten it at the creek more than anywhere. And it's like real comics that care if there's a check spot. It doesn't I don't think it really affects the show. It does as long as it totally does. It does a headlining sit particularly. And I know what I mean. I've had to write jokes for it because it's like it takes

their attention. Everybody knows it. You can just feel the people that are paying attention. 80% less people are laughing along with you. So you start thinking like this guy's not doing is good. Yeah. Why is this guy suck now? Yeah? Why you buy suck car

That was a weird thing On the road the only one should do 45 minutes and then 12 or 15 to those minutes or eaten yeah, and then they're doing last call 10 minutes in Yeah, oh, that's the worst Yeah, and then I was like dad you're dead Fucking hurts How long does podcast go Time I got a move I got a more stuff like bosses

How long are you moving for till till April 20th probably till my first until the sun Yeah, you and Louis cats are exactly the same. Yeah, it's a very Jewish thing. I don't like it It's called I'm going to the warm weather. I signed with an agent before I left and they're like oh you got to come back Oh, you got to come back. It's that's why it's pilot season Not real right? It's not done really happening more. I think I think it's all spread out now. It just keeps getting push back farther and farther It seems like it's pilot season's January to March a rape roll. I don't know James is doing the cold front every day. It's March. It feels like it's going back farther. Oh that's that's when he's lower and lower on the list I mean, he's not doing well

We added that part out Chris. I don't he's not doing well. Oh, yeah. If we edit that part out, Chris, I don't want to start the room. The November December people, the ones booked early, those are the guys that get a pilot every year. That's the real pilot. And January and February, they call it. I'd be going in most like March 15th, April 15th. I'll be going in in June.

And they'll be like, can you do that Russian voice for us again? Yeah, I got good. Whenever I was taken, they just need something. They're like, who's left? Who's out? Just filler. Yeah, it's not like they're on the spot. We like the supplemental draft for the NFL.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, just like the Instagram for the NFL. Yeah, it's like yeah, it's just like in strength. If they have a list of how many people they use and they're going to bring in 25 people, they can fill that up with all winners in January and late January. Right. I just got a new glasses, so I got a feeling the LA is going to be bringing me up on the phone. I'm going to skyrocket. I got big crazy coke bottle.

Yeah. No one fucking mustache. Yeah, I got a mustache. I'm going to tape on when I get home. It's going to be big. My career is going to change. I think we really broke down a lot of our comedy today. Yeah, okay.

Let's turn it into a really inside comedy. What do you guys want to promote before we get out of here? Oh, excellent question. What does this come out? In March, I'll be, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know when we're, this will be a week or two.

This will, we're going to do ads. Wanted to run, we're going to be the the ads to the podcast come out today by the way Yeah, well honest be honest. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's not how it's finished. Sorry. I'll be in Zany's in Chicago in the late-media. You will plug after the... Oh, I have to wait for you to open up the heads. I know. While you're opening. You're not... Sorry, I'll...

You're not sorry, I'll... Back there, and I have to get it later. I'll be pretty good. I think he's got a good punch. Okay, so do it then. Guys, if you're a fan of the show, you know how you can help us out. Go to the latest episode of YKWD at rikest.com slash robber Kelly and you don't notice a handful of links, a slew of links,

a bunch of links. First link is for amazon.com. Bookmark our Amazon link, guys. Every time you make a purchase through our Amazon link, YKWD and family gets a kick back. It's a huge deal. It keeps the show free. We fucking, while we do ask for donations,

sorry, I'm doing a hammer fizzing, blog, it's hammer fizzing, doesn't ask for donations because we're not fucking. I gotta tap, I'll do it better here. Listen, you guys, while we do ask for donations, sorry I'm doing a hammer fishing, but it's hammer fishing doesn't ask for donations because we're not fucking. I gotta tape, I'll do it better here. Listen you guys, if you've ever done it, just bookmark, go to that site. That's what I said. And then bookmarker, I said bookmarker link.

Guys. Fight it out. And then mark that as Amazon on your thing. So when you see Amazon, you're like, oh let me click Amazon, and then I'll actually just take you there. So you don't have to think about it. Oh, take you there. I don't buy it take you there. So you don't have to think about it. I'll take you there.

Okay. Hello, buddy. Is that what you're gonna say? Yes. Also right next to that link, you'll notice the link for tweakedaudio.com. Tweakedaudio.com are the best affordable in-ear headphones on the market.

Guys, you do not need to go and spend $50, $200 on headphones anymore. No, you have to. Otherwise, they're not good. You buy the shitty pair. No, they're very good. You're not halfway through the payroll. Oh, I I'm gonna play right now. I fucking bought beats I had multiple pair of beats those motherfuckers would break like crazy my tweet audio headphones. They've never broken

I have 16 second worst It's got I actually like school game now they break in notes weekdodio.com guys use the promo code Dude and get 33% off a limited lifetime warranty and free shipping and already affordable inexpensive. So they have those big headphones like black people? No, it's just the in-ear ones. Oh, yeah, those are way better. And also right next to that link, you'll notice a link for GameFly.com.

Use our link, guys, or to go to GameFly.com slash YKWD and send them for the 15-day, two-game free trial. You don't even have to buy anything, guys. It's a free trial. GameFly.com is a Netflix for video games. You rent the games, you beat them, you send them for the 15 day two game free trial. You don't even have to buy anything guys. It's a free trial. Gamefly.com is a Netflix for video games. You rent the games, you beat them, you send them back. It's as simple as that guys. It's the way of the future.

There's not a single person buying video games anymore. So you'd be like everybody else, use Gamefly.com. Use our link, sign for the 15 day two game free trial. Boom. That's it. Well done. That's it. No one's listening anywhere for your dates though.

They're listening. No, people have turned out. Only if they have it on play already. Yeah, they have just having thoughts on it. Well done. That's it. No one's listening anywhere for your dates though. They're listening. No people have turned out only if they have it on play already. Yeah, yeah, they have just having thoughts. If they're up getting a Glossick cup of coffee this way, turn out. There's a turn out once you start the ads like oh no one's gonna listen to where your dates are usually do the ads in the middle. Oh right, right, right, right. I didn't know this was gonna be an hour and 13 block. Yes. So how are you doing? Usually two and a half hours? Oh fuck. Well, maybe I just gotta go. No. you guys can keep going if you want. No, thank you. No, they get special guest host ones don't have to be two hours scobo Yeah, you do like it. I want 20 hours. I'm gonna say it's one of the things. I'm just saying I thought we were having more time Oh, yeah, so you're hands the social plan. Hey, I have to piss my piss in your hand We'll do it over the toilet so it's not a mess. Yeah, let's do it in the sink. You're down? No, let's do it.

Look, just like tree plug dates, probably. Yeah, sure. Joe list? Joe list. Oh, well, I don't know, no dates need to be plugged. Just my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories, which a lot of people are listening to it. It's myself and my stories.

Yeah, it's Mark Norman and I are doing it. I think Dan's soda is gonna be an upcoming guest. Luis Jago is on one time. The best episode yet. Yeah, it's a Mark Norman and I doing it. I think Dan's soda is gonna be an upcoming guest Goins on one time the best episode yet. Yeah, I was a hot episode and we're getting we're getting lots of listeners and lots of love So listen and thank you and I love you and let's just Make a noise is during your dumb plug I was begging it like you was fucking jerk. You would shoot it up weird British siren You would shoot it up weird British siren What happens when you plug your dumb shit He has a backup for all this much of it's just going Denver Marches and San Francisco and Denver nice. I've already as a podcast called The Skeptic Tank. It's on iTunes and my website are the great.

And go to cavecomedyradio.com for the 20 or so podcasts that we have on our net. Hey, including Legion of Scans. Including Legion of Scans. Stop motherfuckers. Oh, and then also I have to promote this. It's important that I am starting a new, I like saying it on yours, but I want to say to everyone, I'm starting a new website not comedy related It's just about men being men and just being okay with who we are and I'm calling it real as dudes calm

Real as dudes are I already own the domain name real as dude calm real as dudes calm the real as dude calm only one SNS real as dudes only 1s and s real is dudes dot com Dude so with a z Real as dudes I just spent $400 in domain names To give it site nobody goes You still have Kelly for stigasucks dot com stigasucks dot com Go to my website check me out live just put up new dates up there Almost could be with Bobby. I'm opening for Bobby. You're January 17th and 18th and bananas and Hasbro

Kites. Oh, fun room. Good times. I'll also be the ship rocked cruise. Jim, for all the guys. I almost was invited to that. Yeah, Jim, Joe was. Big Jake comes up to me and he's like, dude,

I don't know if this is weird to say this, but we almost asked you to come to this cruise in the Bahamas. But we got Dave instead It's like that's now great news if you guys are like wait Are you telling me there's a possibility to see Lewis J Gomez Seven dust and popper Yeah, I know

There's here will suffer beyond there I was like dude. I don't want to watch any of these things Yeah, there's not one of it I'm a real Astrid and Jim Bruey too. I heard all about this cruise right before they told me I wasn't invited Non-point was that that sounds made up is suffer gonna be there suffer's not gonna be there Joe Lister a mystery me route. Yeah, well has. He's got, well, people talk about you. They all seem to respect you. You know, I'm just coming to you. I just kind of get the vibe on people without having to

see them all the time. You just get people talking. But then, you're one of those guys. They're like, that career is not there. No, I have no career. It's not going as well as it should be. Yeah, I had a drinking problem. But I'm working a lot now.

Yeah, Joe's one of the funniest people on earth. The fact that I have no career is unbelievable. No, thanks. It's startling to the point that when you bring it up to other people i'm like this guy's way funnier than me well i you know i drank and uh... to shoot and shoot hurt that you really got a bunch of diseases everywhere you spilled the beans on the herpes thing to the good career but what i think it's

i think you know anything it is i think it's. I'm going to get a new pair of glasses. I'm going to skyrocket past all of you, douchebag. How great would it be that big and time this time next year Joe won't even acknowledge us. I'm just a glasses guy. He's just blinking a lot in his new glasses going, fucking you know there's a good guy Zach Efron. I like hanging out with him. One of my best friends.

I write everything he does. You guys wouldn't understand. I live in out with him. One of my best friends when I write everything he does. It's a you guys wouldn't understand I live in Santa Barbara now. I I'm turning it all around now It's gonna have it's gonna have some sort of magic Johnson surgery to get his copies removed. Joe. Joe is moved to Dallas He's got yet dogs a lot of money. He's in the oil game So bad are you you going to be? Zany Chicago, I said, but you already did it. I was on the play side.

I was thinking about one date, otherwise it gets crazy. Oh, you know what? Gov is on my other part. I never promote Hammer Fissi and I know a lot of the guys are running on Bay fans. Ari's been on it. Hammer Fissi is on the riot cast network. It's the best MMA podcast on the planet.

I lost the bad end of civil fight. You lost the bet? Yeah, I have to pierce my nipple now really Yeah, can I do it? That sucks. Oh, oh god. You were super close for that fight. I saw you tweet on a picture I got to see right behind the direct it was like right there. That was awesome. How crazy was it watching that break? So weird. It's you guys realize it happened though I'm in like a half second later. It was like Wait, like just a half second like the leg doesn't move that way

It's like you know what something's just like yeah, right like if you see the or worry Alice I thought for the two seconds watching it at home I was like he's mad to they call the fight like I thought something like there's stopper just because he goes Ah, and it looked like he was yelling at someone and I was like why is he so mad at that guy then they showed it I was like I'm gonna throw a worse part. Where's he put weight on it after he broke he knew ahead of time No, I thought he went down he hopped in the fell he knew ahead as soon as he screamed We all knew what happened. Oh, I thought the He heard a little guy was worse Louisville because you saw bone and it was all that was way that wasn't a fight

It was CBS prime time Like that afternoon they said a bone came out of be way worse. If you're not supposed to get all mangled and stuff, those are like a wet sock. Those things, in general, it's an injury that it looks and feels way worse than it actually is. Like in reality, it's three to six months before you start training again.

In the best case, like three months, his doctor said he'll be training within six months. He's already asking about his next fight. I know, I know what it is. Whoa. His bone just shattering too. Like his next fight. I know I know what it was. I was gonna do his bone to shatter into it. Like his two B's. Two seven.

Two seven. His bones all shattered. It's like your it's the bone down there is like your form bones. So it's like two thinner bones. It's my if you would have broke the fucking like a high bone to at least a year before he comes back. He'll be no he won't fight for another year, but he'll fight in a year.

Cory, he'll fought it 13 months. But he's and he's not he's not the type of I have not that answer. So what's his name? The guy who broke his like 36 now Korea when it happened it was in his 20s. I was like 29 30. Yeah, the guy who broke his leg for Louisville Still out. He's like red shirt in this year because his injury still that bed poke through Oh, I was so shaken up and you watched everyone throw up. Yeah, I know see white

Like I didn't know what the hell is going on I don't know if there's someone who's watching stands There's a player going right on the half-court. I watched it I was like a fat game. I was like birthday. All right, well No, you guys keep talking. I was like a pocket just limp support Like a band where they keep drumming. Yeah, it's just left with the drum It's just really going boys boys boys It's like the DJ at the boys, boys, boys, boys. It's like the DJ at the end of the Slipknot concert. He just keeps on playing out one weird sound.

I don't like that you reference that. There's a DJ at Slipknot concert? Yeah, there's nine members of Slipknot. One of them's DJ. The other dude's like a sound sample guy. It is a side project called Suffer. Yeah, the a bomb. I'm gonna laugh then.

We're back in saved a few bombs today. We appreciate it. I think that's what I'm here for. Yeah, thoughtful. I like that I don't like that Lewis's pulled his foot up on his fucking knee. Yeah, this fun is just basically dead from wearing these this pair of Nike's. It just hurts. Why constantly change your shoes?

I can't afford another pair of sneakers right now. That's what I said about glasses, but I got new ones today in my career in skyrocketing. I'm super excited to get new glasses. Oh, my career is gonna be big. Don't get the same ones as me, jerk. Joe, what happened? Stop trying to take my fame, you fuck. Let me have mine.

I've been doing optometrist for 13 years. It has two good years in the sun. It's my turn, baby. Joe, why don't you wear contacts? I contact you. I fucked up. You're fucked up if you wear contacts. You're touching your own right. You're a fucking lunatic. And I got laser eye surgery. you're fucked up if you wear contacts. You're touching right?

You're a fucking lunatic. I got laser eye surgery. It's beautiful. You should get lacic, you got dough. You got lacic. You got lacic. You got lacic. The best thing I ever did.

Hands down. You got lacic? Yeah, hard to tell. I was blind. I don't like when things touch my eye. No, I mean it's a little fucked up because you, you're doing it and your eyes are clamped open and you can smell your eyes cooking.

You can smell it. No, it's not that. The scariest part, they clamp your eyes open so you can move eyes cooking. No, it's not that the scariest part They clamp your eyes open so you can move block for garnish They shut the fuck up. Oh, are you gonna scop out? Yeah, fuck up. So yeah Bernstein you shut the fuck up I'll punch you in your So they cut your eye, but you go blind no like your eyes go you're literally your eye You know your eyes open, but you're blind you can't see anything that was the fucking scariest part. You'd have to put me out for that

Yeah, yeah, they like do it only 30 seconds per eye really it takes more time prepping than it is then it is actually doing 30 seconds can be an eternity in the right circumstances But you spend a minute and like a couple grand and you never have vision problems ever again But then you would be famous because you don't have your famous glasses well i'm not doing it i'm trying to get so to do it so we don't say glasses and then i'd like to realize that if you want to do it uh... before this and it's just a small amount of people but go find a message board uh... with people that have turned

blind since getting it what it's a very small to super small percentage but that's actually equal to real people so that's what i said about the boston massacre one of you got a I got you fucking you say Boston Like that kid would be done a smith if you went blind and lost a leg no, but seriously go to the message board Because that's the only thing I just look up look up Google message boards for like well You got to go to the right people you can't just get a guy out craze or something You got to like make sure you go to the right guy better now, too. It's early on they were

You can't just get a guy out of Crazel or something. You gotta like make sure you go to the right guy. You're better now too. It's early on they were out of some bond. So they made $970,000 last year. He's someone got a group on. Someone got a group on. For a lazy guy surgery. And I was like, you're really gonna trust the group on.

I had my doc, I just wanted to get my eyes checked to see what my new prescription was. And the guy was like, you should do what he's trying to upsell me because it only takes 10 to literally 10 seconds. I'm like, speed is not the issue. What's your... But then he goes, but then he goes, we're not a NASCAR.

What's your, uh, I said it. Oh, it's not that bad. It's just about at nice. Mine was like, mine is like minus 475. That's a fucking hilarious bit. All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Seven seconds, we'll fucking zap it up. I just did it.

We'll do it in a second. Come on, let's do it. Minutes, it's okay. Word is a bit of an off-touch. Two hours aside. They try don't do it. I just did it. Come on, let's do it. I'm just doing minutes. It's okay. I'll do two hours a side. They try to tell me it's safer too. I'm like, what's safer than this? Nothing can get in there.

It's so hilarious. You were doing that as a bit? No. Oh, you should. That's fucking great. Now I want Laysick. That's funny, then. Anything you have.

Welcome back. That'd be great. Nate just got Laysick. My glasses, the glasses woman. His eyes are huge. The Warby Parker You're welcome. That'd be great. Nature's got Lisa. My glasses, the glasses, women. His eyes are huge. The warby Parker Lee was hot. The doctor was hot. She was wearing a skirt.

Like she was like pulling up with the, I could see her vagina. It was insane. I thought it was like a joke. She looked like she was 28 years old. She was like a sexy optometrist. I think I recommend. She was like checking my eyes.

I was like, I could see your pubes You said that to pubes What is he pubes Realize who pubes calm. I was gonna end Jesus Bombing after you pubes Bombing after the buzzer Look I this the bird you stay to take extra shots Pumes Somebody you hate me. I'm getting a real vibe. Not y'all. All right

I mean the Bernstein thing that hurt but I'm cool I love Bernstein her Robbie Bernstein drives from Connecticut five night away. He's yeah I commend Bob and he doesn't go out on Fridays cuz he's a super Joe. He's a crazy Joe I was really I'm like and doing his siren That's so does got nothing noise Nothing noise. I'm on empty. Poooo! I don't think that's a joke.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Why you wasting your day your night? He goes come on man. I just ate a sandwich. That's right Yeah, I think that's a great that's a great way out of a theological Yeah, I just did I say sandwich Bernstein is gonna be big you think so. He's a badler. He's a warrior. He's a hustler Yeah, I really he really is

He travels and then he goes about he gets up like 7 30 in the morning to work. Oh, yeah You're over here getting insulted done up the nicest thing I've ever said about you. I just called him, you Jew. You know, I don't like that. Oh, I forget that you're like a weird queen's racist. No. Don't call me a Jew. I gotta go work for my dad. What was that?

Were you doing a scalpel? I was saying you were doing what's your dad? Bernstein also does. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What do you call it? Scalpel, how do you want to go? Get something to eat? I kind of do. He fills vending machines, Rotem. What do you call it? Scalpo, do you want to go get something to eat? I kind of do.

He fills vending machines, Bernstein. And he dresses exactly like a guy who fills vending machines. He's like a weird hat with like the clip, with like the buckle back here, and like it's flat brimmed, it's off over here, and he's like, khaki, weird pants, that he brings. Among New York comedians is horror.

It's not good Well, you're looking at three of the worst right here. I can't see it because I'm moving Okay, but I'm looking exactly like you guys do. Yeah, I got stains over here All right, I have these sneakers on stage with a 49er hoodie is nice But by the way, hold on, is that sport has not always been a thing amongst comics though Like you look like fucking David tell or already laying It's like they're being schlubby is almost like you look at Jerry Seinfeld and Seinfeld's kind of schlubby in the clubs. Kevin Maini and today's gonna be in the clubs

Jacket Colin Quinn dress is nice Yeah, Dixon wears a suit, but trees would come out and a suit and a tie every time but it's like there's certain black black comics do that I think more comics dress nice than dress shitty Nothing young comics. You know where it's love you just just cool just like right on a set of John fish dresses real well time of John again dresses unbelievably well The naming guys that go out on the road and they're like adults. I'm talking about the average 26 27-year-old. We're not Twenty-zero I think I'm pretty nice talking about today with the with the faux-hawk the gay one. Yeah, yeah, Mateo Lant No dresses. Yeah, he just as nice. He got a style

But he's gonna dress nice. Yeah, I feel handly dresses unbelievable. Yeah, little handly is a good dress. And dress is great Sam Rill just like a retard Just a cool t-shirt You don't think this is a you would hate my t-shirt You don't like my t-shirt cool. You don't think this is like a Listen to you I t-shirt you don't like If I walk into a place I saw what's the ever the first person I saw like that I'd be like oh are we we have to go this bar like what are we who's what are I really this a graphic t-shirt No, not a graphic t-shirt that graphic t-shirt. Sorry. What about this one? No, that t-shirt's great. Thank you

You're covering up with the gray hoodie. Oh fan and you can't you can't represent sports teams on stage I do but if you dress like you're dressed like an idiot as I Rock and roll fucking queens and sonnage with a fucking douchey 49er shirt over what's douchey about the 49ers to have Moving on to play Carolina and the vision around the Colin Kaepernick might be the douchey a human being in history block you against all odds kisses his arm I love it. You can't be any doucheers. I love that actually I don't watch the 49ers, but that's pretty awesome I kiss my arm every time I hit a punch every time he makes a long run for attention

I just we talk about Lewis and his fighting. He just why do you love to fight? Oh this is gonna be a Relieving no this is pissed. I like Get me get my stuff off. You want to be seen me in a fight at Foxwoods me and you I was like lose I don't want to fight lose. I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. Oh, you mean grappling in the hotel room. Yeah fighting It's fighting you know need you just a a little bit. I mean I've taken some classes and you know I've done some animation Do you think I could beat you? I know you've trained but I'm just saying like I think I'm so much longer than you I think I know enough and I'll be stronger enough and more in shape for you. You're not strong a little stronger enough

I'll talk from the bottom. Is that a better? I position you yeah, you said earlier you have no floor game I yeah no floor game and no cardio first of all my cardio is 30 seconds you're done dude. I'll fucking I can see your cardio through your shirt I can see your cardio through your shirt. I can see your cardio through your shirt. What's the matter? Yeah, I was doing it right now. Where's the dollar for John? That's a good one.

I'll take it. I need it. Me and Lou are fighting and Lou is just, stop it, I'm gonna die. Why? Oh, shit. Cardio is better than both of yours put together. You have to fucking mind. I'll crush all of you guys, cardio.

I could run right now, I could go run four miles. I could run four miles faster than you. No, I'm not gonna just go do it go run four miles I box I box three days a week. Oh, that's good. Okay, I didn't know that I mean no like I the reason I'm fat is cuz I eat like shit But now six days no cards no sugar. Yeah, I still think I already got better cardio. Yeah, nope I still beat him on the ground regardless or are how often do you do cardio exercise? I just walk around the city alone. Nope, walk. We'll knock around.

We'll not be here. No, if you box you have cardio, but I will be on the ground. I box an hour straight three days a week. If we're not striking, I'll definitely take you on the ground. I don't know, I don't think you would. I'll challenge you. Do you box, sorry? You better because he's taller.

Taller helps. It does help, right? He's more length. He's more length. What boxing would you do? It helps. It would certain positions. You can do a lot more with your legs than i could with triangles with google plot is but because

you have those long limbs i can grab an arm bar i can grab a knee bar they're out there i grab a knee bar my girlfriend's no good at karate but you should see your box leaving on that joe litz i didn't i didn't write that joke because that joke is older than, you know, her Bobby Kelly. Good night. Good night. I'm out of ingrains, dude.

Good, I need your grains. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free. Don't stop filming my face. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Spectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras te esperan. ¡Friparás!

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