Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Ryan Long, Chris From Brooklyn | Diplomatic Immunity

Episode Date: December 18, 2022

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It's a comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the podcast done Is there any better show? Yeah, what's up, dude, and dude, that's it's Robert Kelly back with YKWD in the laugh button comedy cellos studios above the world famous best club in New York City comedy club. We got a great show for you today. I want to thank all the Patreon members for being a member in my Patreon, you motherfuckers. Do I love you? And if you're watching on YouTube, subscribe.

Hit the subscribe button, hit the like button, hit the comments. Tell us what you think of the show. I don't care if you hate it. Just get in there and comment the shit out of it. And what else I want you to do? I want you to go to my website, come check out my live dates. Boston, I Boston, I got fucking San Diego, I got,

I think I'm going to Buffalo, I'm going to Toronto, I'm going all over the place. So make sure you check out those dates. And with that, let's go into the show. We got a good one today. Two people I've never had on the show ever, which I get excited about, because you know, this could go fucking great or could just stink. I love that. We got, of course, Ryan Long, who I've wanted on the show for a while, but trying to hook up for a minute, who's kind of alluded me. I don't know how you alluded me.

And then we got Chris from Brooklyn, Chris, I'm, I'm, I'm, Faga. No, it's Faga. Faga, sorry, Faga. Yeah, Faga. Faga. That's a, I mean, it's a weird last name. I feel like I'm insulting you.

It means enthusiastic eater. And, well, that should be my last name. I'm a double Faga. So what's up guys? How you doing? I think I've alluded because I just been, And well, that should be my last name. I'm a double-fagger. So what's up guys, how you doing? I think I've alluded, because I've just been, since we knew each other, and kind of on the road for the last four months nonstop.

No, I mean, I don't mean alluded since we've started talking about you being on the show. I'm talking about, I don't know how, I've alluded you at the seller as well. I haven't seen you there. Yeah, I don't feel like, like we've seen, I've seen you places, right? And I've never, you've never been on the show,

like you snuck into New York from somewhere, and you're all of a sudden you're everywhere. And I don't, you know what I mean? I don't know where the fuck, but I guess, do you do early spots when you're at the seller? Well, I know. I mean, yes, I guess, like this Friday, I have a minute of the sale. This Friday was the first time I was at the seller. Well, I know. I mean, yes, I guess, like this Friday, I haven't been at the seller.

This Friday was the first time I was at the seller in years, like a year over a year. Oh, really? It was the first time I did, yeah, because I'm always on the road. Yeah, I'm always on the road. Then you come back for two days and you're like, I'm not gonna cram it

about the spot in the month. I do Tuesdays. I do my hour on Tuesday at the seller and I don't run around and do spots. You know, I'm really, I haven't done that in so many years. Do you completely not write that by anymore? Like, do you 100% write and then do it on the road? I, well yeah, I do it on the road,

but I also do it on Tuesdays. Yeah. Cause I go over there and I have an hour. So I just try new shit over there. But the way I used to write was back, I do Friday and Saturdays here and do five shows, Friday, five shows Saturday. And by the end of the weekend, whatever bit I was working on was done or fucking, you know, was good or I'm not doing it. I feel like I have kind of like a farm system

where it's like, I'll do like Brooklyn first, then a place like this, and then at the end of the nights, the seller, and then hopefully by, you know, your first trying stuff you never done. And then by the time you're at the seller, you're like, okay, let's see if it actually works with like a full packed audience that, you know, we're everyone's trying to kill as hard as they can. Yeah, but I like the seller because all four clubs are different vibes. Yes. Like the seller, the village underground, the pussycat and the bar.

It's different crowds. Maybe your full farm system is just there. It's different crowds. Maybe your full farm system is just there. It's right there. It's like the bars is young idiots. You know what I mean? Just all NYU fucking. No, sometimes I like it when you just get a spot at like the,

the one beside the bar. What's that called the lounge, right? The pussy cat. Yeah, you go to the lounge and it's like not that full. It's almost like sometimes I like that better than when you like have a spot at the village underground. Everyone's killing it. It's packed and you're like, I got to kill that. Oh, it's like not that full. It's almost like, sometimes I like that better than when you have a spot at the village underground. Everyone's killing it, it's packed and you're like, I gotta kill them.

It's a fucking worse. The lounge is my favorite because it's just, it's just this little fucked up lounge. It's usually people from around the world and a couple of fans will show up that will know who you are, like one or two, which is all I need. I just need a couple shitty faces, Smiling.

Yeah, you had two people where they go, you know, they know I'm going somewhere with. Yeah, they get like that joke, you know what I mean? They just bow and they have like a you idiot. Um, but the salad is no, I mean, there's no other place on earth that I fucking kill better than the seller, the original room. That's what I always, I'm in, even before, like always just hearing about everyone, about you is like just how hard you can. Are you from Canada? Yeah, Toronto.

All right, I just got it. I just got it. Did you get it? I know he's about, about, I never knew that, about, that's why you, I'm trying to, you know what, I have a few on stage that I have made disappear, like, sorry, I've said, I like have a few times

where I like specifically found the stories and I say sorry now yeah because you have such an LA you have an LA vibe you don't have Canadian vibes sure you have like dude I just came from LA I'm taking over New York now Toronto's got a bit of like the way that people dress is a little like LA and Toronto but the app you it's all very yeah yeah everyone everyone but like, no, no, Toronto does have that like a million stores where they sell one T-shirt and a pair of sneakers. Oh, yeah, a long already distressed T-shirt. Like a girl has been wearing it around her knees on a couch. Toronto's got so many stores.

It's what I had to do to my shirts when I fucking was fat as fuck. Me too. I used to do that all the time just so like the belly wouldn't show. I used to put them around my knees so they'd get a little stretched out. Put them around my knees or I'd wet it a little bit and then wrap it around a chair and pull. Really? I didn't know that. I did that.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, it's fucking, it makes me so happy to just put a shirt on finally. You don't go to those stores where it's just, it looks like one guy's wardrobe and everything's $900. Now I've never, ever been interested in that, but I think it's because of my size. If I was thin, I lost 100. That's nice.

I still got a lot to go, dude. I still got, I probably still got 30 or 40 left. Do you like it now? Like, did you, do you like going to the gym now and stuff like that? No. No, I fucking was at the gym last night and I wanted to fucking, I literally just hang myself. I actually always wanted to ask you this. You never...

He likes it, right? You must like it. I love going to the gym now. I know, you can tell you look great. You used to be fat? I was pretty fat. How fat? I stopped weighing myself at like $2.95.

$2.95? And I'm pretty sure I got a little fatter. They did a gag last night on Skanks, a new game show called, is it heavier than Bobby? Because I was 350 at my heaviest. Okay. So they started out with a baby elephant.

And you had a guess, if it was heavier than me. And I was heavier than a baby elephant. I don't think that was heavier than me was the first plane from the Wright Brothers. Which I would have thought would have been lighter than that. It looks like it's made out of toothpicks and fucking it looks like a lot of you know, but a French double door stainless steel Samsung fridge. I was heavier than that. It's fucking nuts. What a great. It was. But empty without the shelves in. I don't

know, but it's still I mean, I've tried to pick up a fridge. Yeah, shit. Yeah, but you you were two 90. That's when I stopped weighing myself. And I'm pretty sure I probably got a little heavier. And then I just, but I want to always want to ask you this, because I know you've, because I ballooned up and down a few times. But you were married when you got your fattest. Like, like, that was, because you were like a good looking dude when you were younger, right? And then you got fat after you were married.

So I got married when I was, I asked her to marry me when I was good looking in a skinny. Okay, so then you, but did you, and then I ballooned up when we got married. Had you had fats before that? Oh yeah, okay, so. But how satisfying is this? And for me, this is one of the most satisfying things ever.

A girl who you were trying to fuck would be like, you're like a brother to me when you were fat and then you lost it and then you just immediately fuck. How, how's, that's the most satisfying fuck I feel. Well, here's the thing, like you're getting friend zone and then you don't see her for a couple months and now you just immediately fuck. How, that's the most satisfying fuck I feel. Well, here's the thing, like you're getting friend zone and then you don't see her for a couple of months and now you're in a thin. Yeah, but my timing's off.

Son, how old are you? 39. Okay, I'm 52. Okay. My wife's 50. So my timing's off on this last final fat. I'm calling it. Okay.

Because she's premenopause. So she wants nothing to do with me. Do you understand? So here's the thing If I was single we were talking about this before because you're you said you're you're basically married. Okay. Yeah, but being married and Having a girlfriend for a long time because I was with my girlfriend eight years and But being married is a whole different game and having a kid because you just locked in dude like there's no I don't get to enjoy like I'm gonna lose more weight you have to do it essentially like a girl that you're doing it for you

I'm doing it for me exactly something that I want yeah dude I'm fucked I'm doing this to better myself yeah Yeah, yeah. So I can make Instagram story me. You looking at me. I'm in the mirror. It stinks. I mean, my wife could give a fuck. She's happy. She's happy that I'm not going to die so I can still be an earner.

Are you giving her the updates, too? She likes that the paychecks are gonna come in. Probably, I'll probably more frequently now because I can do more. Sure. And just strictly for me having more energy. Yeah, just like, well, I'll probably get more parts on this shit now than I'm, she's going to him, she's going to him.

You don't really need the extra leg room on the planes anymore, do you? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, did it come for it. Dude, the fuck that. I can't even get first class. I can't, she won't let me do it. First class is unnecessary.

You just need the leg room. To who? To people who make 2500 a weekend. That's what's unnecessary for. Listen, I understand what you're saying, but it's just being married. You have a girlfriend? Yeah, I got to do. How long? Kind of like maybe like in pandemic sort of thing. So new. Yeah, I guess new. She had new eight years. Yeah, but you own. She had new it. Yeah, new it. Eight years. Yeah. But you own property together.

I gave her, I bought a rent, she was kind of giving me a little bit of a rent. Ooh, there's something there. Right in some there. Well, I bought the property. Oh, there you go. Spit it out. Yeah, I bought the property. Be a fucking man.

But it's in her, it's like in her hometown. Okay, that doesn't mean anything legally. No, no, she owns part of it. How? Well, I bought it with my corporation bought it. Like, I had a corporation for it no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Does it listen to this? Oh shit. She will. Someone will send her this. Some fan of mine will fucking find her in the sendator. Deleting my Facebook. Listen, here's a deal. I'm just saying, but you love her enough.

You get, you didn't give it to her. You love your, Oh, I'm not worried. How much percentage? Half? Yeah. A little under. You gave her, do you fucking watch any fucking movies

or read anything about couples? What are you gonna do? I tell you the amount of money I tell you that investment. I'll tell you the money I spend on that investment property is What I would have spent on a wedding and I feel like I'm getting a check every month We might still have to do the wedding at some point. I told they're absolutely not really. I'm gonna take I'll take bets right now that you're getting married All right, what's the time frame? I get what how old you 39? I'm gonna take, I'll take bets right now that you're getting married. All right, what's the time for him? What's how old are you? 39.

I'll give you five years. All right, two grand. I'll go take a grand. I'll go take a grand. I'll go take a grand. I don't need to fucking, yeah. That is confident. God damn fucking,

getting from Brooklyn's just good, I'll take a grand right now. Have you had that conversation a bunch where you're like this ain't happening? Huh? No, it's like she's not super into it. That's what you're missing. She's not down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just like, you're gonna get fat again.

Get out of here. Yeah, girl's like, no, I promise you I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna realize like, I've asked her four times and then I've already returned the ring. I can't wait to hear Fato and apartment by yourself and she's gonna wear my check. Oh God. That's gonna suck.

That's gonna suck, dude. Listen, you come's gonna suck. That's gonna suck, dude. Listen, you come live with me. I'm gonna give you my guest room. Okay, cool. I'll stay in the shelf. Dude, could you, listen, here, let's play out the scenario. Okay. Let's just play out the worst case scenario, right?

You wind up fucking getting chubby again. Something happens. You wind up getting fucking chubby again. You hurt your knee. Okay. You become a tub of shit again. You're 290 again. Very possible.

And she's like, fucking, I'm out. Okay. Because your chick likes this. Yeah. And she's probably hot. She is hot. And she works out. Yeah, she looks good.

Italian. Italian in Russian. Whoa. She's used to being able to protect her. That's for sure. Right. So you're that guy. Now you become not that guy.

Mm-hmm. You know, she's gonna fucking, she's gonna wind up her, that's for sure. Right, so you are that guy. Now you become not that guy. You know, she's gonna fucking, she's gonna wind up meeting somebody who's that guy. I mean, it's possible. And then she's gonna own half your shit. A Brooklyn, like one place. Why, you have more than one place? Yeah, how many places you got?

Two. All right, so you're gonna have to cut her. Working on a third. You're gonna have to cut her a check for that one place for the rest of your life. Or I could sell it. Could you sell it? Yeah, I could sell it.

But it's she owns half. She has an operating agreement. It's a business arrangement. Jesus Christ, this is, wow, you thought this through. That is a crazy thing to put on the table too. Well, it's also, it was just a thing. Did you give it to her like a ring or something? No, it was in the, it was in the,

it was a mini apartment house. You get down. Yeah. Get down on one knee and then open that up. Yeah, there's a bunch of Puerto Rican families out in front living in it. Where is it? It's in Udica, New York. Udica. Don't you want a gym or something too?

I do own it. You own a gym? You got all these businesses. Yeah. You own a gym Brooklyn house. In Williams, what the fuck is that? It's a jujitsu gym. What the fuck is that? It's a Jiu Jitsu gem.

You teach Jiu Jitsu? No, my buddy at, was a black belt. He passed away during the pandemic, but they have some new head and straw. I feel like these New York guys that all have known each other forever. They all have businesses

and everyone's throwing 10 grand in all, like, you know what I mean? Is that feel like how it works a little bit? I was the executive producer on Lewis's special. Yeah, there you go, right? Yeah, yeah. You paid for that shit? I made money on that. How? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Those serious checks, they're serious. Yeah, there you go, right? Yeah, I'm paid for that shit. I made money on that.

How? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Those serious checks, they're serious. Oh, really? Oh, because you own some of it. What, no, they paid me back. Like I gave them, I invested in this.

You got paid back. Yeah, I got paid back plus, you know, a little, something. A little something, wow. That's great. So you paid for Lewis is special. Some of it, yeah. So, dude, how come I don't know? Is your girl on a part of that?

No, absolutely not. Lewis would not allow that. What else does she own that you have? No, that's it. I mean, I guess if I die, she's the benefit. I have life insurance. She could kill me. So, I always tell her, I got the accidental death insurance,

which I always feel like is the side bed on a blackjack table. You know, they get you to put that dollar down. Yeah. It's an extra $3 a month and it boosts me up half a million dollars from a hundred grand. I always tell her, if you find me dead on the couch, just pull me into the middle of the room and drop a kettlebell on my head.

Just say it was a fucking accident. Right. She, but that's how it's gonna happen anyways. Yeah, she's gonna drop a kettle on my fucking head. Right on your fucking head. Yeah. Just like, just like good fellas, you're gonna wake up, she's a fat 20 pound kettlebell of your head.

That's crazy though, dude. I don't understand like, like my wife gets on my shit, she has everything, it's all hers, right? What's her and my brother for my shit? Oh that's you slipped your brother on? Well he's disabled. Oh my shit, he really has fucking everything.

All the answers. Does he? He's not a bitch, I don't like how fucking, like collected you are, you got it all together, I don't like how fucking like collected you are. You got it all together. I don't like it. I think you for your thing. It's like your kids are getting it anyway. So if it goes to the wife, I have one camera. Yeah. That's getting all every well everything. Yeah. So for the wife gets in the meantime, it's still temporary. Yeah. But my wife gets it. She'll meet somebody fucking quick. All right. The other show light a fire and have those guys show

up and fucking hit on one of those middle-aged guys. Stepdad and the motorcycle jacket's gonna be 100%. 100%. Yeah, if he showed up at my house, that's our type right there. I just gotta throw a dragon tattoo on that arm. There's nothing worse than that.

Yeah, you get kicked out of the house, you come over the new stepdad sunbathing. Yeah. It makes, it's my biggest fear is that is that we get because we got to a huge fight Sunday. Okay. And it's always I don't know if you ever got to fight with your girl, but it's always when you're married, it's always under the tippy at tango.

It's like, you want to fucking, you want to get divorced, you want to end this? Really? But you got to pull back from that. Because that's like, that's like telling your son, I'm going to take your iPad away for a month and you're like, dude, I'm going to take your iPad away for a month. And you're like, dude, I'm going to need a break in a couple hours. Okay.

And I want them on that iPad. So it's like, you got to be careful with what you said. Because my wife will be like, good, fucking goodbye. Sure. There's a fucking bag packed. Yeah. She's just gone. Trapped door already.

Yeah, but it's not her bag. It's my bag. It's like beat it. This house is mine. She's already to go back for you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't, I don't, it's my bag, it's like beat it. This house is mine. She's already to go back for you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't, I don't, that's a fear, man. But like, I mean, I don't care about you.

That works out poorly for a lot of people too. The dude doesn't get the greatest deal. Like if you go, if you, if you get kicked out of your own house and then you, like some new guy moves in, there's not very many worse scenarios I can imagine. There's no, I mean, nothing. Unless you're into that. Unless you're into watching you fucking chick getting back.

Yeah, that was the master plan. And then you got the cameras rigged up to catch it. Yeah, you're already, you're already got the ring cam and the, all the cams in there. Yeah, they get the, the, the, the clock cam. I would be ashamed if another guy happened to, yeah, I, I'm petrified of that of my wife getting smashed by some some young book. Not even young, just like me, but better.

You know, like some restaurant tour. Yeah, that's like just sucks. He knows fancy words. He turned his love of food into a business. Yeah, yeah, he's just, but he's smashener and then like kid love him. Yeah, like, yeah, he's just, but he's a smash in her and then like kid love him. Yeah, like, yeah, my kid. Fuck, I just look at in the window and Max is reading a book with him. And well, he's not even starting on the words.

He's coming up to you. Like Max is so funny. You go, oh, hey, dude, this mattress, she, where did you, uh, fuck off? That's my pillow top. That's him to you. Hey, yeah, we had a good time with Max today. Like, yeah, where were the springs on that mattress? That's a nice piece of machinery right there. Is that a is that a Terry cloth? Durable. Durable. Oh, fucking. Now, do you live in a, do you own your apartment? No, I got to work on that.

I really should have done that during the pandemic. I think I got an idea. How did you buy a Bithaca, not buy a place in New York? My place is rent stabilized, so I have a good deal on it. You're just a perfect fucking human. Red stabilized is the dream. Yeah. How would you get? 500 a month. No, it's like two grand.

It's just a big apartment and they can't raise the rent. How many bedrooms? It's just one, but it's like a thousand square feet. It's a very big one. It's a pre-war building. In Brooklyn? Yeah. And that's where your family lives.

I mean, the family I have left, yeah. Well, they all gone? Well, my parents and my grand, that's another reason why it's like the wedding thing isn't that necessary to me or my chick. It's like, my parents are gone. Her dad's gone. But all of our grandparents gone. Your parents are dead? Yeah. Oh, that's sad, dude. I mean, I'm almost 40 years old. I like my parents are gone, her dad's gone, but all of our grandparents are gone. Your parents are dead?

Yeah. Oh, that's sad, dude. I mean, I'm almost 40 years old. I mean, parents are gonna die. Didn't you have all dad, too, right? Yeah, my dad was 53 when I was born. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ.

That's crazy, right? That's not true. Yeah, and I'm the oldest of his. He just, you know, he threw a load into a crazy lady. You know what I mean? It's happened. That is wild. So when was the, how old was he for the youngest?

It was just three years. It was my brother. 56. Yeah. Crazy, right? And wonder what she's crazy. How many fucking kids had screamed out of her? Well, I think, you know, all the women

on that side of my family are a little. Really? Do you still talk to your family? Yeah, I talk to my mom's sister a lot. And like, I talk to my mom's side of the family. I still talk to some of my father So you don't want kids either not particularly Wow Wow, so you're just gonna be just that couple that's a vacation Yeah, I'm not gonna be dead. I'm not doing Disney though. I refuse that's so that's part of the reason I don't want kids I refuse to do Disney why for you to do what's wrong with Disney? I just too much the stepdad can take him to Disney

Huh the stepdad takes me to Disney. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you guys clock out. Yeah, you're not paying. I mean, she can use her money from the apartments. Yeah, to take me to Disney. Yeah, why ethical could do that so? That's where she's just from.

And honestly, it was before all the prices went up, it was like early in the pandemic, and I was like kind of looking at stuff. And I was like, just the numbers worked out. You know what I mean? Like it's like with the mortgage, it's two, it's a couple of units and it's like, as long as you feel one, you're covering the mortgage.

Okay. Then everything else is profit. Are they all filled? Yeah. And it just, that's it. I have long term tenants, yeah. And you have to, and I have a property manager up there that works well.

And I actually talked to him about, because I was worried about with, you know, all of the evictions and stuff because of the pandemic. I go, how many of you dealt with these? I'm managing, he manages like a hundred apartments, and he goes, I had three people default on their rent. I got the money out of two of them with the rent assistance program.

It was only one person I ever actually had to fully evict. Really? So he's good at his job, people like him. Where's your other property? In Brooklyn. You have a property in Brooklyn? Yeah, but I own like a very small piece of that with like a bunch of other guys.

Wow, and you own a gym. Yeah. And where's your gym? Williamsburg. Williamsburg. And that's your gym right there? Yeah, that's it. It's just a white room?

It's just a, yeah, well, it's just a jujitsu gym. That's my friend, who passed away. Oh, well, how do you pass away? He had a heart condition and they didn't have hearts for him during a COVID. Really? Yeah, that sucks.

So who runs the gym now? We've got some new instructors. His wife kind of manages them. She's also, she's like a purple belt. So you own a bunch of little businesses? Yeah. Do you own an ice cream shop? I wish.

I used to own a sandwich shop back in the day. That's where I was this shit. I ran a pop-up. That was Joe got the idea. Is that what Der Robby? I'll be honest. I think I made solid sandwiches, but he's killing it. I've had some of the Joey Roes's sandwiches.

They're delicious. They're delicious. You really like to trash his sandwiches, but he's killing it. I've had some of the Joey Rose sandwiches. They're delicious. They are delicious. You really like to trash a sandwich, but they're good. Yeah, you kind of need like an Instagram channel talking about like business owning. Like, you know, I own seven businesses. This is how you hustle. This is how you do it.

Cause it is a big part of your personality, I guess, is you kind of don't talk about it. You're a stand up comedian. Yeah. I mean, what I'm talking about that. Hustle culture. Hey, really? I hate that.

But you are. Sure, I just ended up there. Because my parents were old and shitty. I mean, also end up places. I always say, like, I think that if you are starting stand up now, probably one of the best things you could do is figure out how to have a bit of money with it,

you know, so you don't have to worry about, like, like when you see people worrying about like, oh, the $30 spots, $30 spots, like trying to make coil that together. I disagree. No, I think it kills you. I think I think having no B plan to me is the only way to go. I think so too.

Having no B plan, fuck you. I lived in a shithole with cockroaches and just all that I wanted to do is get down to the clubs and work as late as I could to get food, do comedy, get some pussy, and then go home and do it all over again. Don't you think that sometimes people will take, for example, writing jobs on like that, stuff that takes up their time for a little bit of money whereas if you figured out a hustle like that,

you can kind of actually get the hang of it. I'm not saying I'm on standa. I'm not saying I'm right, you know what I mean? I like a hustle like that, you can kind of actually be a stand-up. I'm not saying I'm a stand-up. I'm not saying I'm a right. You know what I mean? I'm probably wrong with that. But I'm just saying, for me, like I want, it had to be just, I was in love with stand-up, that's it.

You know, if I did anything else, I don't think I would have been, I don't think I would have made it. Well, if you did it before, like if you were, you know, if you're 19 and you start kind of figuring that stuff out by the time you're 25, you have a little bit of income coming in, then you just a few people you go, I'm only thinking about stand up. I'm not gonna have a part time job. Yeah, I was like 32 when I really started doing

a stand up and it's just like you can't just, you can't not have money at 32 years old. Yeah, depends on your age too. 19 with the roommates is little, little better deal. Well, I was 20 something, late 20s. No, I was 20 something, late 20s, not I had no time. Yeah, but also, Spot pay was the same back then and everything was half a quarter of the price in New York City, no?

Well, what do you mean, 50 bucks a spot, right? Yeah. So it's like, you're still getting that. So it, but it's like rents or 10 times is expensive. No, my rent was, you're right. My rent was 325. That's cute. And that's not in the,

it's not in the products. Well, no, it was a25. That's cute. And that's not in the product. It's not in the product. Well, no, it was a block away from the project. It was on 97 with between 30. Okay, all right. I mean, we were right. How many people in the house? There's three. Yeah, three.

In a one bedroom. Thousand for a one bedroom. I had one of those in Canon, I remember the ceilings like went down, so there was areas that if you walked in, if you weren't paying attention, then all of a sudden, it just turns into like a little mouse's house. Yeah, Bert Christch lived across the street right here. He had a bunk bed right across the street.

You could look, if you were in this apartment now, you could look into his apartment from here. Yeah. And everybody had shit little past. I knew a dude who lived on a shelf for like two years. He's like a blue man in Vegas now. Come on. Yeah, like the sign called episode.

It was like a big like loft shelf. But he was like, yeah, I just paid like $200 a month and rent. And he was like a bar back at the bar I worked at. And now he's a blue man and Vegas. And he makes good money. Pete Carelli had his tub in the kitchen. Yeah, I knew a bunch. Yeah. All the low-reside apartments used to have that.

Like if you got like a rent controlled spot in the low-reside for like $200 a month or some shit, yeah, you had to shower in the kitchen. I remember there was a girl waitress at the seller. I used to hook up with her. You had to walk. You had to walk through her shower to get to her bedroom. So you had to walk through the shower.

Those are the best. And then you're in a room. So that's some real hooker shit. Just like, Hey, when you go to your balls off, it was weird, man. It was that was done like fucking the red like district in Amsterdam. You walked through that door into a room. She's like, all right, hop up on this table. I'm gonna pull this hose out.

Shh. Well, it was, I guess you're right. The rents are crazy now to live here. Yeah. Buscas contenido gratis. I wanna be free. Bluto TV is the service of streaming gratuito with more than 120 channels dedicated to movies,

series, crime and reality and content and fan. Bluto TV. Ven a verlo, sin pagar nunca. like essentially cloths and all this stuff to segregate the room like into studio and then five of them lived in a one bedroom apartment. But they all had a little room. I got a hospital in the war. There was a company in New York late 90s, early Aughts, I hate saying that, but I love it at the same time, I don't know why.

But there was a company that you would hire. I think it was 500 bucks, they come in and just make a studio into a one bedroom. They put up a full wall. The tiny one. They come up in and a couple out as you'd have a wall. And they put up bed there. Yeah, you'd have a bed in that room.

So one bedroom becomes a two bedroom. A studio becomes a one bedroom. And yeah, it was great. And then you just have somebody come in and pay that other. You know, how many people were like a couple living in a studio apartment where, you know, at least they work that just lasted three months in the pandemic, living in a one bedroom in New York,

both trying to work from home. I mean, dude. I didn't live hell on earth. I was here when you had to use payphones and shit. They had roommate finder. So you had to call this company. You pay them money. You remember roommate finder? I never had roommate. They just find you. So they, to call this company, you pay him money. You remember roommate finder?

I never had roommate. They just find you. So they, yeah, they go, all right dude, go here, go, they just give you a list of places to go. And I'd go in and meet you and be like, what's up dude? Yeah, I got a room, this is it. Oh cool, I'm blah, blah, blah. All right, cool, I like you and you're in.

And that's how you get apartment. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's $300 or whatever for the room. And then you just live. I did that when I moved here. You live with some dude or some some some check or some old gay guy. You don't know Dan Dan cook with some gay guy first moved here I moved I love it some gay guy when I first moved here in in Williamsburg. Yeah, and he was a As like a I guess a theater guy. Yeah, and he would sing like during the

That sounds so bad for months. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he would sing like during the God. That's terrible. That shows so bad for months. Yeah, yeah, I was getting home and ever trying to work or go to sleep or whatever. And you know, you know, whatever. It's not missing his show. He's doing his show tunes. It was crazy. It was at a one better. You have your own room. No, too bad. Too bad. Yeah, dang. Yeah, some deal that, you know, D Dan had it, it was a studio. So there was a couch, I guess Dan would hit the couch when he first saw, I don't know, it was a weird situation. He'd sleep on the couch and this guy's place.

Yeah. Dave Smith had a place on Avenue C very briefly. And it was like this, it was a beautiful apartment had a backyard, huge basement, and then it was like a couple of bedrooms upstairs, and this guy who was like running this apartment, they've only lived there for a few months, and they were like, how the fuck do you have this place

for Sochi? He's like, well, the people who like, let me keep the place, they get to have a poker game here once a week. He's like, what? He's like, so every Sunday, like I kind of have to get out of here for a while, because there's a poke, and I'm talking to Dave,

I was like, how was that working out? He's like, it kinda sucks dude. It was like right before he got with Lauren. So he was only there for a little while. It's like, but it's just like, there's just dudes that think this is still their apartment in my apartment. Yeah, they leave all their

be-in-the-sphere bottles all around. And then like the guy who was managing the apartment taken rent from him would clean it up when he got home. It was just like, what a weird deal. Yeah, New York is a fucking weird deal. Yeah, that's the best deal ever though. Is where are, do they have like a legal, where are the illegal poker games that aren't the high roller ones?

Like do they have like scumbie like Hood, Brooklyn ones that you know about? I used to go to one in sunset park and when I say go to, I used to run a scummy poker game. Come on, you also, but like for like a little one, huh? Did she own half of that? No, it's not there anymore. Oh, yeah. It was like me, my buddy, Tee, who I can have, yeah, we had Did she own half of that? No, it's not there anymore. Oh, yeah.

It was like me, my buddy, Tee, who I can have, yeah, we had an office and we did other stuff out of it. We were doing like an eBay business kind of deal. That's such a better call style office. Yeah, if you would, I actually had to, in between apartments, I had to crash there for a few weeks and it was really just a, it was my buddy's cut, my buddy was a manager of a cut co-office

and we took it over for this fucking horseshit because the owner was just like, yeah, you can have it out of the shit. We'll just to shit. It was my buddy's cut cut. My buddy was a manager of a cut co office and we took it over for this fucking horseshit because the owner was just like, yeah, you can have it out of your shit. We'll just just transfer. And then how often do the game? Twice a week. And then we were just, we were using it for other shit. We were like, we were actually, we're like stocking stuff and like, that's so funny that that's what you did back then. But now you just be a podcast studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just a bunch of mobsters and fucking.

Dude, the thing about pulp is this. We're doing a masterclass is Sammy the bull. I mean, dude, how crazy that everybody has a damn podcast now. legitimately, I was thinking of it then the last few months where you go. There is not a person that's not an influencer now. Like even Obama and Bruce Springsteen did a podcast together and it flopped. Like, really? Nobody listened to it and they stopped doing it. I remember that coming out. Who wants to listen to those two? So now like even Obama and Bruce Springsteen did a podcast together and it flopped Nobody listen to it and they stop doing it. I remember that coming out who wants to listen to those two Yeah, what are they talking about? I mean, yes, I mean listen I know Obama the president for and it's just two guys that really are super successful pretending to still be regular dudes

Yeah, one mumbling Jersey shut up nobody cares And it hates America. Back when I was in the hood. That's pretty good. Hawaii. Fuckin' I was in the one with him in the hood. No you'll, you'll walk by like a dentist studio or everything.

And like, you know, he has his Instagram. And dude, if you look at TikTok, it's all guys that's like, hey, there's a plumber. And this is his plumbing channel. The guys who are all gonna work it to hear a weird, weird thing? Every job, as like a, there used to be a dentist with a rock climbing wall and the basement of his dentist office that I used to go to.

It was all, it was like this huge basement in Fort Greene and you climb around it and it got ruined in the beginning of blog culture. It was free. The guy just loved rock climbing and he was like, there was guys who built it and he would have a shoes you could like borrow and like you could just climb the walls and shit.

And then one blogger was just like, I knew I had to write about this. And then the guy was like, Oh, I only let my friends in now because it's fucking 5,000 people showed up to be rock climbing. You had to like know a person who would let you into this like rock free rock climb gym essentially. And one blogger ruined it for everyone. They they they have those we were talking to Ari about this. He won't tell me where it is because he doesn't want to ruin it.

But there's, you know, the underground bar is open and again, New York, which I love. What makes them underground though? They don't have a license. Well, they just, somebody gets an apartment. On the open, like four in the morning. And they open a bar and you have to just buzz in and you go in and they have a bar and you can,

they have a little music, they have alcohol. Why, I feel like in COVID it made sense here or after hours. Oh, is that the reason? Cause it's after four after four. Yeah, there's no, there's no, yeah, it's not legal. They just stay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause if during the, yeah, like two,

why would you go to an underground bar when there's a bar in every corner? But that's the idea. It's a, it's that six a.m. You're going there. Yeah, you're going hanging out, but it's probably a bar. The bartenders have all the scoop.

A chiller time, you don't have to worry about bullshit. Probably, I used to go at Massavia, who ran the Boston Comedy Club. He was one of those hip cats. He was one of those. He knew all the spots. He goes, come on, let's go. And I'm like, what are we going to, don't worry about it.

And then we just walk up the street, and like next to the Waverly Diner, which I've been to a million times, and just push like C1 and Bant and then you go up and it's just smoking hipster chicks and just, oh, and you come every nice, this little music like jazz playing. It's banned. That's so funny that if they get a stand up bass into this loft, you know, it was fucking wild.

I mean, it was, we see. Would you ever go to that place, little branch, it just looks like an inocuous, it's down the block. It's like a cocktail bar. You go down stairs and it's like tiny. And it was like, yeah, they would have like a full jazz band in this tiny little bar. I think it's still open.

Yeah, I like places like that. Yeah, they're great. They're fun. Yeah, I like that shit. I go to a lot of the jazz places in New York. That's the main thing that I'll do. But the, also, when you're going to those tiny after hours tell places, though, when you get there.

And it's like, if you're the, you better not be the first guy there. Yeah, you just need somebody's apartment. Yeah, you're just chilling with the guy. Or there's nobody shows up. You want to drink? Just you and him talking about it. Didn't we try to go to a place? We tried, we actually tried to go to a place in Texas

like a few weeks ago. Remember we like got there. Yeah, yeah. Somebody from the show show was somebody from the show was like I know a spot and then we got there and it was just the dude like no, we're not open tonight And we just felt like assholes like Yeah, yeah, they came down and he was like yeah, that's not tonight Yeah And we knew it was a bad idea before we went but they were just like super gung-ho and they're like calling ubers

And we're like all right, let's try this and then we got there. What'd you guys do after that? We just went to my buddies house. That stinks. Yeah. It's the worst. We should've done that in the first place. I already went to old for this.

I'm just like, what are we doing here? I'm too old for two. Joe DeRose had his party is 10, oh year anniversary. Yeah. Because Joe, he loves throwing parties for himself. He's a cool place. I've never met anybody who throws more parties for himself. He still does birthday parties, right?

He does birthday parties, I mean, it's nuts. He really just, I mean, love. I think that's what you can do when you stay single for a while. You can like, you know, throw a nap thing like that. You have to, nobody's around to care. You know what I mean? I understand it. There's nobody would ever, three, never have a birthday party.

It just be him alone with a cupcake and there's one bedroom. But so I was like me and Keith were here and and he Keith was like, all right, let's go. Going over to dumb to Roses and I was like, all right, but I didn't understand how taxing you know, Keith, it takes like a 20 minutes to get in the Uber. It was so because you know, he went on the wrong side wrong side, so his leg was the wrong leg to get in. And the guy, the guy running the Uber got so mad, because it was caught, we're right here on trying to get in. It's just a, the car's packed up, honking, and dumb Keith doesn't care. He's just laughing. This guy came out and grabbed his legs and just threw them in the car.

The driver. He just hooked his legs in the car and he's like, okay. And I say, Keith was like, all right, thanks. And then we got there with two old guys. He's got a double stroke. I just lost 100. We're no fucking old. And it's all young guys like you fucking looking cool.

And we show up and we're trying to walk through this round. Yeah, you can't get through that bar It's a lot of it through with me never mind Keith with a cane So I'm like his bodyguard. I gotta turn into it. I gotta start moving people. Hey, uh, you know Guys, please and I got a point to Keith. Yeah, yeah, then we get back there and I'm just like I'm out. I can't how long you last I think it was eight minutes I fucking I don't know joke. It was like eight minutes. I was like I can't the music's loud There's people there that just I don't know am I you guys aliens? I don't know what you are you Irish Italian black Spanish you got an afro with freckles. I don't understand what happened

And you know what I mean? I don't know if you're tough or if you're just sad. Yeah. You know what I mean? The model that just comes out at night as well. Yeah, I don't understand. There's one guy looking at me. I'm like, do you want to hug her? We gonna fight.

I don't know what your face is. And then we go on the back and he gets a sandwich and we leave. We just go out front, which took another fucking 20 minutes. Yeah, the sandwich is worth it though. If you're doing the aim. I can't eat it so I fucking, you know what I mean? I'm not eating the fucking sandwich at one in the morning

whatever time it was. That's off limits now. I just don't want to do it. I can have it but I'm not, I'm not going back dude. If I was fucking derosa sandwich. But then and derosa was like, hey, what's up? I'm so glad. And then he just went back talking to whatever producer

that was there, gonna, whatever person hired the business to me and Keith, closes the cloth. Ah, dude. He's like, dude, great for you. Anyways, I thought I found that movie interesting, but cathartic. And I was like, what? Did you say cathartic?

And then, and then we just, he's first drinks 20% off. You guys enjoy your stuff. 20% off exactly. And then, yeah, it was just fucking stupid, man. It was, I mean, I went out to the little thing out front and I'm just like, this is a young man's game. This is, this is not for me.

I mean, yeah, being like, tell you what, you definitely don't need to do at like 3 a.m. ever, be like, what's the, let's find the next spot. Oh, yeah. That's how you get the trouble. That's how I knew I was starting to get old when people would suggest that and I would just get new Bronco. go home. Yeah, I'm getting out of here. What happened you last night? Oh, you wouldn't even believe it. I just do know how happy it was. I went back to

the salad, got in my car and I got home and I got a locality, Fudgeical and I sat on a couch and I, I mean, I was like I was getting a blow. Like that excitement, that ecstasy. Do you do the halo top low calorie so you can eat the full pint because it's only like 200 calories in the pint ice cream? No, I can't do that shit, but it's just a fudgeical.

It's like eight grams of sugar. Okay. And I can eat the whole thing. It's another thing where it gives you the dope and just a little bit of sugar. Oh, I'm just sucking on it like a big, like a big chocolate penis. I mean, watch that you hated those.

No, not real ones. I don't mind them, I didn't say I hate them. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was just like a corn fetish. It's just my fifth favorite penis. Yeah, third, I'd say third, Jesus Christ. All right, yeah, sure, it rakes above Indian. I get it. Black penis is matter, all right?

You're in, but yeah, dude, I felt so good going rakes above Indian. Black penis is matter, all right? But yeah, dude, I felt so good going home. Also, you're not drinking too, right? I've never, I haven't drank my whole life. So I used to part. I used to, I used to hang out all night. We could hang with anybody. I was just me and Coralie used to go and he'd drink

his fucking face off and I was right next to him. I didn't give a fuck. But I just don't, I don't have it anymore. I just don't have the ability for that conversation. Hey man, what's going on? What's up? I'm done, I'm out. Yeah, when you, especially those guys are coked out at five,

when you see a guy five a.m., like you generally do that. I know he can't handle, you know we've met like four times, right? When? At Skankfest, every single year, and every single year, this is what at first year, he says this is what everyone,

no, I'm gonna tell you, yeah, well I have a good memory. You have a generic face too. He says this one everywhere. No, I'm gonna tell you, yeah, well, I have a good memory. You have a generic face too. That's fair enough. All right, I mean, fair enough. You look like every day. Yeah, my name's Chris, I get it.

Every dude that everyone to my show in Long Island and that has dude, big fan, own a fan. That is me also. But I'm in the first time we met, you ran the light, first skank fest and you ran the light, you're like, I'll fucking run this like, oh fuck yourself, blah yourself. Bye bye bye and I'm sitting outside with Dave afterwards and you came out I was like I'm sorry I ran the light dude I was like you just told everybody go

fuck themselves. You go what a fuck you right and then like a year later I was talking to like Lewis and he was like smoking a cigar you came over to smoke a cigar he's like let's take a picture he goes I don't want this fucking guy I don't know and it's fucking pick and every year at Skankfest Bobcat we were in Houston. I was talking to Jay. You get off stage. And he turns to say hi to you. And you go, what the fuck is this asshole looking at me like this?

Every single year. That's what makes me remember it is that everything we do. What I do this year. Oh, actually this year, you were nice to me. You're like, hey, nice to see you. And just get one. Yeah, I'm done. Finally nailed it.

I'm home. Yeah. I'm finished. You fucksuck box I could go fuck this up your dumb story Terrible story I feel like you do have that with a couple people You have I get I get like fed up with it by a point and I get it I'm a very generic looking you need like yeah, you need to find one thing that'll make you like you need like a wacky hat That you wear as done you need yeah, you need to peacock. Which get a face tattoo. Just like, something.

Yeah. It has a look. Like he has a rock and roll, like he's in a band, he's a car. You don't know what he ripped jeans. And you know, you need something. Just one, yeah, one thing where you be like, oh, that's the guy that wears the vest.

Oh, yeah. I'll get a monocle or something. Yeah, I do put these glasses on. I'll put those, try that. Try that. Try that. Sam Rothstein look. Put those on. That's it. That's it. Try that. Try that. Sam Rothstein look goes on.

That's it. Right there. You need that's it. I remember you, right? I would definitely remember that. Yeah. That's it, right? That's what Jason Ellis does.

That's what that's kind of what it is. Yeah. Or even like what if you, he's an Ellis's head tattooist. Yeah, I mean, he does have a lot of old form. He's a few things. That's like that's also the look. Yeah.

You know what you could actually do? Okay. Like a bottom grill. And I feel like that's also the look. You know what you could actually do? Okay, like a bottom grill. And I feel like that's not completely out of your. Like a gold, just bottom-soul-fee. Yeah, it's like an urban guy. So if you had just like one gold dude, there's something. I got it, I got it, a Hitler mustache. Oh, that would be great.

Pull it off. Dude, just, yeah, if you went, if you could rock the first comic to rock a Hitler mustache, well, Charlie Chaplin. Well, okay Hitler mustache, so patch combination. Oh fuck the soul pack. Go full Hitler. Just go full Hitler Yeah, full Hitler, but never mention it and what people like to what's up with the mustache go out? What's up? Well mustache. Yeah, but like Michael Jordan pulled for like two years He was just like this and Michael Jordan mustache go fuck yourself. Yeah, you should do that

You should do that if you did have somebody photoshop a Hitler mustache. I'm a man over here Or go put some slits in the eyebrows. That could be it. It's true You could do some slits in the eyebrows or you know, you could do do a bandanna around your neck Oh Like a dog. Yeah, yeah, no like like like fucking death leopard like a band like a 80s band dude do a vaguely gay because you're right if you have so many people where you go I can't met that person they didn't remember me at some point it's the way that you look it's yeah yeah I'm that color of green the Disney paints on stuff so you don't notice rides are

closed that's just my person yeah it's too much of the character before they put stuff on it yeah dude you have everyday face. Yeah, you got to do something. We need to. I have to be moving my boxes around. But you know what? Because I feel like I don't, you know, you're like a New York guy that was probably, you know, involved in some sort of crime.

It's like that's the perfect look to get away with shit. And also my name sounds vaguely Spanish, if you just say it, it's just like, who's Vega? Yeah, some Puerto Rican rock. No one can ever pick you out of a lineup. No, no, no. Did you look like every worker on the train with like a toolbox and a yellow vest?

Yeah. Like you look like every guy. I look you're making. No, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah, they did change. Yeah, did you, I, it's your face, you need something. There is a benefit to that though. You think the Hitler mustache is what I'm going with.

I think the Hitler mustache is some crazy glass. Can I do like a pink Hitler mustache? Yeah. I do it. I do like a gay flag Hitler mustache. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, rock it. Throw it for, yeah, throw it for a loop.

I do a regular mustache. Yeah, I get it. So just put a Jewish star in the Hitler mustache. Get a Dominican barber to shave a Jewish star. Yeah, just see you promoting our special. That is the move though. I like the idea of the Hitler mustache with just like a tiny bit of hair here.

And you're like, no, it's like a beard. I'll get those cheek piercings right here and just the Hitler mustache. Well, just say you have a disease that won't let the hair grow past that point. Down the Disha. Yeah, alopecia. Yeah, just say that.

And then you're good to go, man. Well, racism is the real virus, Bob. It is the real virus. You got to be right. You got to be right. Yeah, you need something for your face. I think something, all you close. I mean, you do dress like a man.

That's the most generic and so that you need something for your face. Just such an asshole. I think his thing of me makes me meaner by the way. Literally how you talk to people you don't know, you know that, right? What, him not remembering you making it? No, the way he was like,

what the fuck is, I don't know if I was that mean. I'm saying he's souped it up. Absolutely. I don't know if I was that mean, because you just did it right now when I said, that I think your characterization of me is not as uh, it sounds like you're just walking around skankfest stiff farming everyone the whole weekend.

That's just me. And you're like, what's up? What's up? Get the not you fucking yeah. You're not here long Island jerk off. Yeah. Geez. Yeah.

Did you get nicer after you lost weight or meaner? Uh, dude. Did you got a bit of like a chip on your shoulder? I think the pandemic made me nicer, but I'm still a fucking cunt. Sure. I'm still an asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it just in me, it's just in me from childhood and growing up in Boston and all the people I hung out with, the my go-to is, you know, go fuck yourself. Sure. It's just my go-to. You know, anytime I get, I go on a fight, I go on a fight with my wife this weekend. And my go-to is go fuck you.

Yeah, that's just, yeah, enough of this. Yeah, fuck off. You wanna, I've been alone before. You know what I mean? That's my go-to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lived on the streets, fuck you. I don't need anything. I'll sleep in that shed with with no heat during the winter. I don't give a fuck

I need I need none of this shit. I'll go do comedy. I'll get my fucking I'll have some sex with some random chicks I'm the funniest like the guy who hasn't been in the game for a long time and telling his wife like just I'll go have sex with chicks the game for a long time, telling his wife, like, just, I'll go have sex with chicks. I call them chicks. Brods, yeah. If you just want, I'll probably have a bunch of chicks that I'm having sex with. And I won't either, I'll,

there's no, you forget when you get old, like, visually I still think what I was, but there's no chicks. Yeah. Might just be a different type of chick. Yeah, yeah, fuck it older than me. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's no chicks waiting for me.

There's no girls. I can't wait to dump your wife. There's chicks kicking around. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't get. I used to, I mean, I used to get a lot of girl. I get nothing anymore. You get a lot of bride.

No, I'm just fucking work, dude. I'm dude, we all live on the internet. Like I literally go to comedy clubs and comedy shows. You can't cheat anymore. Not for you. I comedy clubs and comedy clubs. You can't cheat anymore. Not simply, yeah. I mean, it's impossible. You can't do it anymore.

I don't know if you want to keep a house. Yeah, yeah, you'd be screwed, dude. Yeah, you can't do anything. Yeah, I mean, that stinks. Now, living on the internet does suck, but, you know, as well as like there's no fighting it, that's for sure. Think about in the last, like, even four years, the amount that it's, you know, if it's a graph,

it just went like, you know, times a hundred, the extent to which people on the internet, but... I mean, back in the 90s and 2000s, right up until the, I think what really fucked us is the camera on a phone. Camera phone screwed up. That really took cheating. Just, you can't do it.

You could just be in the background of a thing. I remember a girl I used to hook up with saw, like, photos of me. And it was like, we were together, but she was like, is that Chris with some chick on his lap? And the background, like, dark in a photo on like a stoop. And somebody was like, no, those are definitely his sneakers.

It was just like, because you couldn't see any of my body just like I had something shiny on a sneaker. She was like, that's definitely, yeah, for sure. You could see like the chick. That's when your face came into play to help you. Is that him? That could be any guy from Brooklyn or Long Island.

That could be any. Maybe it's Matt Smith. That's a Matt. That could be any guy from Brooklyn or Long Island. That could be any- Maybe Queens. That's a math. That could be any Yankee fan. That's the best part about you. But- Yeah, the cell phone camera. And people don't kill us.

Yeah, the cell phone camera and the phone period because people don't meet in line. So it's like, if you want to be that guy before, you were going to different cities and being good with girls at bars probably. You know what I to have you had to be able to pick up girls. Yeah, you had to be able to go to a bar and And and and be a pickup artist have three interesting things to get remember like mystery and those guys. Yeah, remember that shit That shit worked though. It's all all that stuff work. They all have magic tricks

Your Vegas is just, there was a minute where every Vegas bar was nine guys trying to do magic to you in like a big hat. But the first thing you need, you need magic in a hat. You have to, if you were the guy that always kinda had a card trick on hand, they would remember that. Dude, that was one thing I tried to do

just for like my nephews and shit. Like I was like, let me see if I could learn magic. I got like the pen and teller magic master class. 30 seconds during a pandemic. I was just like, this is gay shit. Like I was like, let me see if I could learn magic. I got like the pen and teller magic masterclass. 30 seconds during a pandemic. I was just like, this is gay shit. I was just like, I'm not doing that. You were gonna be the magic guy. I just wanted to be able to like do some coin tricks

because I have like nephews and shit. Okay. I did that, dude. I gotta admit, I had to be a magic guy today. I did, dude. I went to something in Victoria Island outside of my room over in the oldest magic shop in the world. Would you buy just the one?

No, I bought the credit card, the magic thread. Okay. Oh, like, you pull out of your sleeve or what? Well, yeah, you just have like little wax and you can put it on a credit card. You can spin the credit card and like levitate it. I like it. And you can spin it and it can go around you and you catch it. Sure. And then you slip it off and hand it back to them. But I could levitate it. I like it. And you can spin it and it can go around you and you catch it.

Sure. And then you slip it off and hand it back to them. But I could never do it. I would always get the string caught up in my other fucking arm. I actually, I could do all this filming videos like when I was in Canada. And I made, I did a bunch of videos like commercials for a pizza place with this magician.

We did like 10 videos. And I, so I know how all the tricks work. And like 90% of them are string. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like a good amount of the tricks. You're like, how the fuck is this string again? It's like nylon string or something. Yeah, and nylon.

And there's one strings where you kind of make stuff float up, but a lot of it's string or stuff where it was not even impressive at all. Like I remember the one where he used to just be able to tie his shoe. And I was like, man, that's a trick. And then you go, how do you do it? And he's like, I just have,

well, I was already tied and I have strings hanging down my shoe looking like it was untied. And you're just like, all right, so nothing. Yeah, I actually tried. I was bought that trick. Yeah, yeah, I almost bought that one. Yeah, he just pulled the strings up. Yeah, you literally just pulled the strings up.

A lot of them were that kind of thing, where there was no nothing, you know? Yeah, it's just counting on us to be idiots. That's all it is. I saw one today that was crazy. It was on the James Corbett. Is that his name, the little chubby guy? Corbett.

Yeah, Corbett. It was him, some actress, but this illusion, whatever. You made a waiter's tip disappear. We're bringing you water li. Nice, nice one, I like it. I've got a hit LaMuchstaff that would have killed more. You know what I mean? You got Ryan on that one.

He was getting crushed, dude. It's so funny if you watch him, though. There's in this new commercial, and he's very like, oh, hi, how's it going? Like, you know, these new coffee maker, it's very like that. And he's just like, he just oozes like as soon as they go action. He goes, what the fuck was that? Why are I told you not to look at me?

Like, he's just got such the Tyron 5. But then it's like action. It's like, and this is a new coffee pods, but he's just, he's got 100% of the vibe that is, could not be more different when the camera's a role in. I have Greg Stone met him. I wonder how nice he is. I wonder if, oh yeah. Greg Stone was on the show. Greg Stone's rollin. I have Greg Stone met him. I wonder how nice he is.

I wonder if, oh yeah. Greg Stone was on the show. Greg Stone's the best. He was on Corbin, yeah. It's kinda hard to be mean to Greg Stone. He's got such a, I should be nice to this guy face. You know what I mean? Yeah, unlike yours.

Yeah, I have a be mean to me face. Greg Stone has the opposite Italian face. And I don't like you fucking awesome tricep, either. I don't like the keep flexing it. It's fucking... Oh, I'm sorry. You know what, I think people, your're tricep makes me fucking angry. Stop bending it.

Yeah, put your hands on the table. Yeah, get a loser shirt. Yeah, I don't like, yeah, you're fine. I worked hard with this shirt, Delica. Dude, a tricep, you're bugging me, it's killing me. You know what it is, Chris? I was like, what are those arms? Holy shit.

I was thinking that it's not, it's not that you're forgettable. It's more that you have the face that like people, I think I cracked it. It's people that would be, like they're not necessarily a mean person, but like they wouldn't necessarily be nice to the Uber driver. It's kind of like, oh, hey, like you've got,

like you like the face that you would be like the, well then I also have like bully face. So like any of these like fucking half gay comics in New York City, you're just like, I don't want to like that guy. You also have bully face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By they don't like you. Jack, I just look like the person who was shitty to them in high school.

Yeah, well, I mean, if you're like a drama kid, you can't think you're gonna. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna have five conversations with somebody before they're like, all right, you're not a jerk off. For sure. And you do a podcast with Chris. Yeah. And you also, you had a pickle that won an award. Did somebody just print out my resume?

What's the pickle? Oh, yeah, well, actually, I won the Lowry side Pickling contest. Why? Can I ask? I want to ask. Do they bring you up like that when you do stand up? How do you?

You know, Meg Walsh, she used to bring you up as the pickle king constantly. Yo, how did you and a pickle competition? I entered a pickle that was a pastrami flavored pickle and it won. How did you own businesses? Yeah, so black. Why was a chef?

You own a fucking jiu-jitsu place, you were a chef. And you're a comic, you used to be fat, you're skinny, now you work out, you get awesome. And no one remembers any of this. You're a mad, you get it. Next time I come in here, you're gonna be like, so we never, now you work out, you get an awesome. And no one remembers any of this. You do imagine. Next time I come in here, you're gonna be like, so we never miss the first time in a show, dude.

This is the first time you're on the show. This is what, yeah. What were you a chef of first all? I, all right, so I grew up in a restaurant business and my dad owned an Italian place in Sheepside Bay, right? Okay, yeah. But I was the head chef, it was one of these fancy cocktail bars

and queens called Dutch Kills and I was there first head chef. And I would do like kind of elevated bar food. So the guy who started cocktail culture a lot in New York because this guy, Sasha Petroski, and he would always be like, I love your bar food the most because it speaks to my inner fat kid.

That's what I would make. Like I used to make a pork sandwich that took like three days. People were like, can you still make them? Like you taste three days. You're gonna make a stock from scratch, you're gonna make a sauce from scratch and you gotta roast these pork shoulders and pull them and then I would like heat them up with the fresh,

I would combine all the ingredients, the last minute with fresh herbs and put it on. I would like source good mozzarella and stuff like that. And I would make a grilled cheese, I would smoke the duck breasts in house. And like I would come in early because you're super illegal to do that. And I would come in early and like vent everything

and like do it. Well, you can't smoke inside? No, it's soup. Yeah, because of the ventilation issues. Right. We didn't even have a hood system. I kind of gained the, they've fixed everything since I've left, but I kind of gained it.

Like I got like a good architect to come in and be like, yeah, the DOB, yeah, he's fine. He's not cooking anything, he's just a prep kitchen. Yeah. And then I was doing all this shit when we were closed. Right. So, and I would do like a, I did like a steak sandwich that was pickled onions over it,

but like it would be like, you'd come in and get a sandwich and you'd like, holy shit, this is like really fucking good. Like I, like I did the duck breast sandwich, but I would make like cherry compote with rosemary in it and I would do like more B.A. French cheese. I'm like a homemade like pulman, uh, brioche bread. So I actually did. I wasn't gonna do that. And you quit all this to do stand up?

You get, here's, all right. So, you set, set you sat dude. You're so much more interesting when you're talking about food I mean dude, that's crazy. I mean this this yeah, I love food I mean when I was doing open mics I used to go like cuz I'm like a fucking I'm a crazy food guy Right, I would like I was so miserable being like 32 doing open mics with like all these 22 year old kids. I would literally do the five o'clock open mic at Broadway comedy club and they go to like Mariah, which is a two Michelin star restaurant, Gorge my fucking face and they go back and do the 10 o'clock

and like the late night just because I like needed a break from being around this horse shit. Wow, you look a different guy. That's like a different, like I don't know anybody like that. You know what I mean? Like this is a guy who had a career. It's a different guy. That's like a different, like I don't know anybody like that. You know what I mean? Like this is a guy who had a career. It's a Brooklyn guy. Had a career.

And then it's, wanted to stand up. And you go eat Michelin stuff, like not pizza or ramen. You just go stuff your face with exotic New York food and then go back and do five minutes at the Broadway. Two different five minutes at the worst. Yeah.

And that was your day. That would be my Monday. And then on like Wednesdays. How are you not gay? I wish it would be a lot easier, I think. I wouldn't have to give somebody a half a house of I was gay. Even if I was half a gay.

No, we're all half gay. Come on guys, let's admit it right now. I wish that I could enjoy like food the way that people who like food like food. Oh, it seems like the, it seems. I love that type of food. Like you like that. Yeah, I love that.

I feel like I'm missing out. But it's not as bad as food. The food that kills you is the local horseshit. That food isn't as bad for you as you think. But I even like the local horseshit. Like I'll eat like, when I was running a show on like Ludlow Street, I would get off this train of Grand Street and I'd be like,

oh, there's that old lady who does Chinese skewers right here and I'd get like five of those. Yeah, but that's still good food. Yeah, it's not like McDonald's. Yeah, I'm talking McDonald's or some horseshoe. I feel like Kraft dinner was probably like, they nailed it. That's what, see, that's the Canadian,

because that's just mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is like, that's, like something like that is that's probably like the top pinnacle of food. I would say popcorns number two. Good popcorn, good, I love popcorn. Craft mac and cheese, when you think about the food that we eat, like that, it's powdered cheese. Yeah, it's dehydrated cheese, right?

Whoever made that freeze dried cheese. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Nobel Prize, yeah. It's very, very cheap. What they named us. And then everyone else has been trying to all these fancy things to try to achieve the greatness of that. So it's like, it's like, it's same with hot dog. It's like they nailed it and then they're just like, how can we add to this and mess it

up? You know what I mean? You think the hot dog, they nailed it. Yeah. If you put up a hot dog and put it in Mac, he's basically a four year old. He's just cut up a hot dog, put it in my Mac and she. If someone was like, you eat with a spoon fork. I love a spoon fork.

You have a truck of milk with every meal. If you have, yeah, it's on a Styrofoam tray. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Whoever, those are the foods where they, whoever was making food, they go, okay, we can stop now. And then everyone else was like, well, what have we got to keep going?

Can I say something? That's, that's not, actually somebody made that food originally. And then craft was like, well, what have we got to keep going? Look, can I say something? That's not actually somebody made that food originally. And then craft was like, let's recreate that. Yeah, craft makes the better one. You think craft is good? I think that's better than a homemade mac and cheese. Yeah, not even close. Are you shitting me?

I'm just saying, you're gonna fucking stand on this hill right now. I know. I know. I know. Hey, story of Queens named my Mac and Cheese, the best Mac and Cheese in question. You?

Yeah. You had a good pick, a number one pickle, and the number one Mac and cheese. I mean, you've recorded some blog, but I did win the pickling. Okay, but it this way. Do you know when you're watching, like I really like like a crappy Steven Sugal movie

or whatever, right? Yeah. And then someone else might say, here's this, you know, award winning movie, right? Right. And I'm saying, I like this one better. Like I enjoy watching it better. I'd rather watch it. And you're saying, it's like predator versus Gandhi. Yeah, it's this award winning movie, right? And I'm saying I like this one better. Like I enjoy watching it better. I'd rather watch it.

And you're saying, it's like predator versus Gandhi. Yeah, it's kind of saying like, well, this is better. And I'm like, sure, I understand that like technically it is better, but in my opinion, this is better. I listen, you know what? I really hate to admit that you make a valid point in my young Canadian friend,

because I like a Steve Hussagaldo of a Gandhi. He's the guy on those what he's doing. I'll take a seat. He's grabbed dinner. Even the ones where he had to dub his voice in now because he tried some Southern accent and it didn't work out. He loves it.

The accents are getting so crazy with him. He's getting nuts, dude. Segal's accents are getting nuts. I mean, this guy is blue. Nobody wants to say no to this. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. The people that are making the movies, it's like a Christmas boy. He's giving them 50 grand. Yeah, I's fucking no. It's the people that are making the movies. It's like, Chris and his boys give them 50 grand.

Yeah, I just want to hang out with Steven Seagal. Most of his movies, no, it's like five like, bros and Serbia that like put together. Yeah, how many people do you think are asking them, what's Putin like? Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone on set, they all pitch together a bit of money. But that's how I feel about food.

But I see other people enjoying it, like going, have you ever had a good mac and cheese? Like, uh, you know, like, uh, I still like that other mac and cheese. But here's an example, like chicken everyone says is the cheapest worst meat. That's like the only one I'm probably really like. Maybe a burger, but like chicken's the best one.

I love chicken. I think chicken's bad. I'll take chicken over everything. But that's the cheap one that's like the low class, right? It doesn't mean what meat out of meat. You know, if you go to a restaurant, the pork is cheaper at this point than chicken. Oh, okay, so am I wrong?

I think fish would be cheaper too, wouldn't it? Fish is always cheaper. Yeah, fish is cheap now too, but I would take chicken over anything. I think I might have saw this in a movie where the guy was saying he was trying to be rich and he said chickens for poor people, or something like that.

Yeah, I think I got in my head and I've always thought chicken. It's a song movie. I've always thought chicken a movie. I've always thought you're fucking asshole. That's not true. I've always thought the chicken was the cheap one. No, chicken. No pigeon.

I feel like if you go to like a fancy restaurant, the chicken's gonna be the cheapest meat on the meal. I think chicken is cheaper, but it's not. I mean, I'll get a chicken at a steak place. I don't give a fuck. I love chicken. Yeah, chicken's a shit. I can't, tell me about this pickle though.

I wanna know about it. Yeah, the big pickle. All right, so there was fuck, I love chicken, yeah, chicken's a shit. Now tell me about this pickle though, I wanna know about that. Yeah, the big pickle. All right, so there was two, it was actually, so I just made, basically I took a pastrami brine and I just used vinegar instead of water like and I kind of like added like fresh mustard seed and toasted caraway, so it kind of tasted like a, so you throw cucumber in the fit all this shit.

Yeah, and how long? Week. That's it. And you have a pickle. Yeah. So I can make my own pickles. You can make your own pickle, no problem. Really? Week. That's it. And you have a pickle. Yeah. So I can make my own pickles. So you can make your own pickles no problem. Really?

Yeah. I see how hard you can do it. Can I just say something? I don't think it's me. I think he's the twat. Did you see how he just said that? Oh, he's the twat. I think everything that comes to his filter is that.

It was you don't know that? Because I just went, I can make my own pudding. He went, yeah. Am I great? Yeah, no problem. I'm just trying to match your energy. See, now it's me again. Is that my energy Ryan?

This is too old school. I feel like I'm a ball buster. I feel like I'm adorable right now. I tell you, and I feel like he's put me on that. You're cute when you were fat, right? I'll tell you that right now. I was cute. I like a little meat on there, okay?

I was so easy now. Yeah, he's sort of, he's big dick pickle energy, yeah. Yeah, big's sort of he's big dick pickle energy. Yeah, big pickle energy. I have GERKIN energy. A corner shown. So, so you win this pickle thing, you bring it down, is it other pickle people? Yeah, I fucking how many of us? I was fucking started yelling at them in public

because I was pretty drunk. It was a whole pickle. You got drunk and you got drunk. We did like a lot. You yelling, I'm the pickle king. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I pulled my cock out. I was like and you're like a liar. Yalan, I'm the pickle king. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I pulled my cock out. I was like, fucking, blind this bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I it's you. It's not me.

It's definitely you. So, so you win the pickle king. Yeah. And then the next year I got screwed. Why? So they changed the, they, I swear to God. I actually have video proof that I got screwed on this. I want to see it. I'll show you one of the judges saying, it's on my Instagram. But so. Go to his Instagram.

You got it? It's one of my reals, it's of an Asian guy. It was the following year. So the next year, you're in it. But I'm on blast. No, no, no, no. So they changed the judging. You had to go through interns.

I thought I was like, China's rigging it because they don't want America. No, no, the Chinese guy wanted me to win. Okay. He was just like, you're the pickle king, bro they don't want America. No, no, the Chinese guy wanted me to win. Okay. He was just like, you're the pickle king, bro. He called me an emperor, but whatever. So basically what happened was you had to go to the pickle emperor. I'm trying to explain the story.

Yeah. This is, you're explaining how it was rigged against you? Yes. Yeah. It basically was Dominion voting machines. It was a whole thing. No. So basically, you had to go through a tier of interns

before you got to the judging table next year, and so it's that Asian gentleman right there. Okay, wait, wait, pause it for a sec. I just wanna hear the rest of the story, good. Okay, so basically what happened was I want, but you had to go through these interns, and I figured I was making a pickle for chefs, right? So I made a Chipotle Yuzu pickle,

which is kind of like a weird flavor combination. Yeah. But I figured that through the judges, but you had to go through these interns. And they're fucking, if I knew I had to go through interns, I would have made a fucking, oh, it's overly garlicky. You're a girl here. Eat this. You're gonna like it.

You know what I mean? They didn't have the pickle. I would have made a fucking craft dinner shit for fucking Ryan Dean and me. Sure. They were simple tins. They're not these high-end pickles. You would have done a very high-end thing. He owns Namoa T-house, which is a pretty famous dim dim sum place and you can play the video. He literally goes

Yeah, this is the best one. All right, let me see Hang on You gotta turn the sit the volume on the little you go sweaty. You gotta go good I'm pretty sure it's you who the aggressive person. That's fair. I'm pretty sure. It's fair. But see all the footage I've... No, so I saw like, I was like, hey man, I literally go up to him very nicely. I go, hey, do you remember me last year? I did the Peshrami pickle and he goes, yeah, where the hell was he?

He literally goes, where were your pickles? Those were terrible. Yeah. And I go, well, this is what I made. And then he was like, I was like, he was like, yeah, this is fucking great. And I was like, can I get it on film? Really?

So you think all the internet... Stanley filmed that. Do you think all the internet girls... What one was in everything bagel pickle. So it was just somebody dumped a ton of garlic and fucking unencounter. That sounds incredible. You know what?

You're not a true pickle artist. That sounds really good, dude. You're not a true pickle artist in like me, all right? No one who'd have won his pickle and they go, I've made zero modifications, but I dipped it in ketchup. I'm not here to mess around. I'm not trying to fuck with God's recipe.

I love that you have to taste the fuss. You're okay. I wish I did. I thought they were gonna go away at some point, but I still like this stuff better. Yeah, it's probably my favorite thing to do is like, if I'm walking home from like the seller or the stand, I'll walk by the movie theater and I just go in and get popcorn

even though I don't see the movie. And then eat it on the way home. That's probably like my top food again. I can't do it too much because it's so bad for you, but probably at least once a month I would say I do that. You just go get theater popcorn. I just go to the concessions, but I don't go to the movie. Do you pay for the ticket?

No, no, no, because it's downstairs. It's the one on, I guess it would be third and 14th maybe, or something like that. No, no, first, I know. Like near Union Square, but there's a movie theater. Oh, I know, yeah, I know the one. I know. But basically the concessions are right there,

then you go up the elevator. So you go get a popcorn and walk home by yourself. That's correct, yeah. With popcorn. Yeah, either popcorn on the way home. I just, I, you definitely just look like a homeless person needing garbage popcorn at that. I look like a guy that just came from a film. Nobody still has popcorn after a movie. Well, no, I, I, then I take a fake phone call, I put the headphones in, I go, oh, it was incredible. Walk out of that piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Popcorn is good though. Yeah, yeah, I talk about how I had to walk out, yeah.

That's what I'm gonna see. I don't know how you come up with that. How do you, like, how did you, what was it? My favorite food. Popcorn juice. What are you a fucking rat? What? Hot dogs, popcorn.

Yeah. Maybe pee. You have the taste buds of a mouse. I would say I'd like the dollar slices way better than like the fancy slices. Then Joe's? Joe's is okay, I still, but I still like that. It's okay? Well, I still don't like Joe's better than like the fancy slice. Then Joe's. Joe's is okay still, but I still like it. It's okay.

Well, I still don't like Joe's better than like some of the normal dollar ones, but I like Joe's way better than the like super fancy ones. Oh my god dude, you're like Joe's, I think Joe's is good. I mean, Joe's is the best. Yeah, Joe's not. Joe's what they're doing. It's the bad. Not complaining.

It's the best pizza. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, dollar slices stink. I hate the dollar slices. I think it's worth a dollar. Like if I was in high school, nothing out rid of it. They didn't know the dollar. Yeah, they were dollar. I hate the dollar slices. I think it's worth a dollar. Like if I was in high school, I'd run out of it.

They didn't know the dollar. Yeah, they're a dollar. It's over. The dream's done, yeah. It's like anything else. You gotta think, I try, when I try to eat shitty food like that, I try to like think of it a different way.

I was like, I just an open face hot pocket. It's fine for a dollar. Hot pockets are nice. You like hot pockets. People looking at you. So when you stay at a hot, when you stay at a hot, I you stay at a liturgy,

and we still hotel without a restaurant. They just have that fridge with lean cuisine, your fucking heaven. No, no, no, I don't eat like this that often because I know it's terrible. What do you eat? How do you eat? I'll eat like fairly clean. Like you know what I mean?

Maybe for like I'll eat, you know, I won't eat to like whatever one that I have like cereal. You know what I mean? Dude, tell me the other day you need to eat the cantabees. Will you raise by other children? I get, but like a good, like a high-end cereal. What's a high-end cereal? They have some, it comes in a box, not a bag.

The ones like the whole wheat ones with grains, you know what I mean? We got kashi. Yeah, and then I'll eat like fruit vegetables, stuff like that. Here, I get a lot of things like a Chipotle type place, but with the salad not the- Chipotle's garbage. It's not that terrible for you though, is it? It's not terrible for you.

That's what I mean. I don't think it's good for me. I don't even like it. Dude, I don't most meals I eat, I don't like. Like I get a lot of like chicken and Caesar salads, but like without a lot of dressing. Like I get a lot of stuff that I don't like. Do you not like enjoy like nice steakhouse steak, though?

Stakes medium, I don't love it, don't hate it. Okay, sushi, like fancy sushi, nothing. Sushi is pretty good, yeah. You've got a very fancy sushi. But I don't think sushi is that good for you. There's a lot of rice, probably, right? I mean, yeah, sure. Yeah, but I don't like fancy sushi necessary.

But, but, what, a cold rice is less, I think it's less, it's more healthy. White rice is healthier than brown rice. Yeah. And cold rice is the, I think it's less, it's more healthy, white rice is healthier than brown rice. And cold rice is healthier. If you find something good for you and healthy, yeah, brown rice is worse for you than white rice. And if it's cold rice, if it's not hot, it's actually healthy.

If you're a diabetic, you should have cold white rice. It's actually your insulin levels won't go up as high. Poke bowls, that's something that has cold rice. I'll get those. That stuff is medium healthy for you and I'll get it. But I know, I know you don't believe me too. Like you just go on with it because I, when I said, I believe you, I feel like you know more about that than me.

I never think about that. The theory is if, if, if you eat cold rice, yeah, like straight up, like it was warm, but it just cooled off. That's somehow better for you. It's bet. It's, yeah, your insulin levels won't spike as high. And then what happens when you're insulin level spike? Yeah, you're fucking diabetic.

You could die. Right. So that seems like it's only if you have like issues though. Yeah, if you have issues, yeah. I mean, you could eat whatever you want. But if you don't have like health issues, eating, yeah, who cares if there's a bit of a spike, I guess, right? Yeah, but I don't know.

Like you, you're eating how old are you again? 37. right? Yeah, but I don't know, like you're eating, how old are you again? 37. 37. 37, you still eat like your fucking meal. I don't eat like that, I want to. And no, I eat it like, okay, if I come home, where will you grow?

She, you know, she likes normal stuff. So she must hate you. Okay, I'll tell you what they don't, like which does suck about that is that if they're like makes something fancy. Yeah. And then I don't like, like, it pulls out the air pepper. Well, either I have to lie, I that if they're like, make something fancy. And then I don't like like, it pulls out the air.

Well, either have to lie. I either have to be like, yes, I like this better than a hot dog or something fancy. Like, or I have to pretend like, oh, yes, the, hmm, all the seasoning. Do you like the Zanya? I like most stuff.

Like, that's why it's like, there's almost, I like almost everything. So it's like, I'm pretty easy to please. So do we, that's why it's like, there's almost, I like almost everything, so it's like I'm pretty easy to please. So do we, that's why we were both fed? Yeah. Yeah. Like a girl can make any crappy meal and I'll be like nailed it, you know what I mean?

Really, just lie. No, because I like it all. I just don't like one better than the other, necessarily. But you like mac and cheese better than fucking... I'd probably like that one a little bit. You like, you like... Not mac and cheese, but You like stuffing on Thanksgiving? Love stuffing.

I like all the things. But you like stovetop stuffing? Like what the cheaper ones? It's the packed dinner of stuffing. Not in better. I think they're all fine. You think that's fine. I think they all taste kind of the good, yeah.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're fucking. You mean like a TV dinner? I will say I was watching, I think it was NCIS and the guy opened up a TV dinner. And like in Unison, my chick was like, gross and I was like, I think it was NCIS and the guy opened up a TV dinner and like in Unison, my chick was like gross and I was like, look solid. I got the tape exactly the time I did look.

The meat in the TV dinner is bad, but the actual potatoes. TV dinners, I don't know, I don't, I grew up with TV dinners. We used to steal them when I was doing drugs and drinking. That's a nice steal too. We used to have to go into Alexander's little store and we'd go in the back and have the chicken and we'd go in and steal them for lunch to eat. But the only thing that sucked about it

is it took 17 hours to cook. Yeah, you had to go back then, right? There was no microwave so you had to put it in the oven and you had to just wait. And then you had to wait another two hours for that brownie to cool down, right? Oh, do you get to wait at least 35 minutes for the whole thing to cool down?

Cause I know I got a burn on my wrist right here from grabbing a fried chicken TV dinner. We was so high and so hungry. And we just, it seemed like an eternity. We kept checking it and checking it. Finally, it was done. And everybody was so, there was like three guys, we just started grabbing into a hot oven to grab chicken.

And I panicked and burnt my wrist on the grave. And I got my chicken though. Yeah, the mashed potatoes were fucking great. The gravy. Actually, you do wrap it. Yeah, you're saying that you didn't know it was good. Yeah, but I wrapped it back there when I was a drug addict living on the streets and I had no home and I do wrap it. Yeah, you're saying that you didn't even as good. Yeah, but I wrapped it back then when I was a drag act

living on the streets and I had no home and I was stealing it. But now that I have none of these classy. Now that, well classy, I mean, what do you mean with a fridge and the ability to buy food? Yeah, I mean, I'm a minister intellectual. I mean, yeah, I fucking like my wife's chicken better. Sure, yeah, yeah.

I mean, did she cut it in a dinosaur shapes for you? I know. Do you have to dip all your food? Why wouldn't you dip food? I mean, when you go to like a comedy club for a game that has like comedy club foods, would you never, would you never get like chicken fingers and stuff like that? No, I'm like a friend.

One of my, I'm 50. I'm not gonna order kids to be on. Fuck, can I get the chicken for you? I do it once a weekend. Once a weekend, I'll not gonna order kids me all. Fuck it. Can I get the chicken for you? I do once a weekend. Once a weekend, I'll have the crappy things on the comedy. I don't. I'll get a steak. A steak or a piece of chicken and a salad?

They didn't have that at Portland Helium this weekend. What the hell, just chicken fingers? You can pay to the, I'll tell you what they did have, they were nice. Pretzel bites that you dip in honey mustard. Oh my god, you're fucked. Pretzel bites were nice. Pretzel bites that you dip in honey. Oh my god, you're fucked. Pretzel bites were nice. But that's what they were so good, but I know that they're terrible for you,

so I could only have them once. Yeah, but pretzel bites aren't good. Honestly, I would have loved to think that because I ate half of them, and I was like, that was too many. And if I believed that in my head, I could hypnotize myself to believe that they weren't good, I wouldn't have had to finish it.

Would you dip in the cheat? No, I'd go back and then the girls, I'll just take him and I was like, fuck and leave him. Did you dip him in cheese stuff? No, I dip them in honey mustard on it. Honey mustard, you're a dipper, I know you're a dipper. Yeah, I like dipper. You love mostly ranches, that's my main.

Yeah, you're a, yeah. That's my poison. What is ranch? Well, in Canada, when you go to a pizza place, most pizza places sell you a dip with your thing. You see that one's in a while here, but that's way more normal. No, outside of New York, I feel like that's common

on the rest of the country. It is not East Coast, it's not dip anything in anything. It's a California stupid thing. Is that what it's going to do? Ranch, dipping shit, it's just stupid. Garlic sauce, I've heard dumb California thing that they did, and then it went up to Canada. Okay, Canada follows. I thought it was just. Garlic sauce. I've heard, um, California thing that they did. And then it went up to Canada.

Okay. Canada follows. I thought it was the other way around. Well, Boston, Boston pizza was in Canada, right? You guys have Boston pizzas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not from Boston, by the way, at all. Boston pizza is like an apple beast for pizza.

It's apple beast for pizza and they're a dipping thing. And yeah, it's just fucking, you dip, if you dip your pizza and shit, you're an asshole. I've heard that that's the opinion here, but to be I tend to agree. If you if you take if you need a dipping sauce pizza, it's pizza. It's got your fucking three year old. You should have a mobile and dog, but it's also weaning a little. I'm telling you where I'm coming from.

It's like that's the norm. It's every combo includes dipping sauce. Yeah, because Canada has nothing when it comes to food. You're not known for anything except for one thing. No, there's a lot of like Trinidad food that's good and stuff like that. Yeah, that's not you. Trinidad is true.

Well, New York's the same. It's like, no, it's not. Oh, it needs up. No, you're not, you're not. It's right beyond right. Yeah, though, you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Sure. America is the motherf you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind.

New. Sure. America is the mother fucking place that made food good. I'll say Italy and France. Look at, look at, uh, pizza. What are the things that America made? Hamburgers. Pizza.

Oh, you are speaking my language. Chicken. You're speaking. Barbecue. Barbecue. Now you're panning. Stake. Yeah. Stakes. Okay. So your pants are really. Stake. Yeah. Stakes.

Okay, so nowhere else at stakes. Do they have stakes, but not us? We made the hamburger dude, the fucking hand. Well, I'll tell you what, you don't get enough credit for it when people name off like nice food places. I don't hear American get thrown into that mix very often. What do you mean? What do you mean modern?

I don't like it. It is considered like new American. Like the fanciest level is like Thomas Keller, like those guys that own like all those three Michelin service. They consider that like America. That's considered like new.vo American cuisine. It's in the French style and that's a steak basically You go now that's like when you go and get like 10 courses or whatever What are the depends on the restaurant Le Bernadin just does like fish and shit. I don't like your cocky Canadian attitude right now What are these 10 courses at every restaurant?

What are you what what is What is Canada known for besides you start with a nice popcorn. You're talking to the wrong guy because it's like, I legit you're talking to some guys never played sports and be like, you suck a basketball. I'm literally not taking offense that I'm not a foodie. Yeah, but it's okay. We still want to attack you. We want to attack Canada through you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, yeah. They made bagels. Oh, yeah. That's just our thing that you took. You took that. That's not theirs. I thought that was like, you guys don't even have Jews. I mean, it's not Israel made bagels.

No, what are you fucking racist? What's wrong with you? The only thing they would take that as a compliment. What else do they make? No, smoke meat is just bullshit for strom. That's it. Yeah, smoke meat has not to do it. You, what is that? Oh, steam. You don't know what steam is. That's it. Yeah smoke made is not gonna do it you. What is that?

Steam a you don't know the steam a that's French. I will say this He's that's a hot dog with calls. I was very impressed. We made the hot dog, dude Well, they put some calls to your neck. I will say this. I was up in Toronto and the hot dog cart game in Toronto is way Elevated. Okay, I would agree with that because they have regulations. We don't regulate people here elevated. Okay, I would agree with that because they have regulations. We don't regulate people here. That's just an air of guy boiling water. Just like here you go. Those fucking Mexican guys with the fucking bacon dogs and LA. Do you know where they come from? On the west side highway. There's always buildings. And if you'll wait there, these guys come out of there and there's horses next door. They just, they go and get a cart and just wheel it out and then stick it on a corner, turn it on,

heat up that water that's already been in there. And they've already been in there. And they've already been in there. They're really gross here. It's like probably the worst I've had. It's bad here. I would never eat a hot dog off the street in New York City. You're out of your mind.

Even the Nathan's ones aren't even really that good. Oh, I went down to the competition. No, he's talking about the Nathan, you're talking about the Nathan's carts, not like the actual inside of Nathan's. No, I'm saying Nathan's hot dogs aren't as good as the like Toronto vendor ones. Oh, yeah, that might be. But again, it's ours. You took it. You didn't invent right? You're everything from your country up until 1987 was still probably. Yeah, was like, I think exactly. You guys like a rabbit's in french fries. Car still probably. Yeah, I was like, you know, you guys like a rabbits and French fries.

Carapace. Yeah, yeah, you had reindeer dogs. We invented all of it and you took it up there. What else? Give me another one. What is that? No, I think the biggest food. What is that?

What is that? Split pea. There's no way. You know what, you can have that. I'll give you that shit. Yeah, that's a Canadian soup garbage. I don't even know if I've had that other. Split piece soup.

What else you got? What else is that? What is that? These are all, you're looking at, go back, this is French bullshit. What is this? Looks like a meat pie. Yeah.

No. No fruit pie. Yeah, it looks pretty gross. I'm having a piece of shit with that. Yeah, go ahead, give me another thing. I mean, what is that? Oh, you can look. What is that?

Scroll down. I can't see the top. Yeah, I guess this is. Scroll down. This Instagram looks like it's like French desserts. Yeah, listen, this is nothing. You guys got nothing. What do you mean? A beaver tail would be a Canadian dessert.

What's that? So that's a literal beaver tail. They just cut it off raw and they just start nonger. They just put maple syrup on it. Yeah, yeah. It's like, And then you can use it as a mitten. Some pancake bullshit. Dude, you got it. I don't know what would be Canadian food. I don Yeah, yeah. It's like, And then you can use it as a mitten. Some pancake bullshit.

Dude, you got it. I don't know what would be Canadian food. I don't know nothing. There's nothing. It's all like, but what like places where, and this is every city has its things, but I would say what I would say it's known for

is like chicken, like roti places and like jerks shops. And like, there's places where you can see a friggin, like one roti place from like two, you can see two roti, like one roti place from like two, you can see two roti places from one roti place. What the, you can do that here. I don't even know. You say roti one more time, I'm gonna throw something out of you. What is a fucking roti?

You don't know what roti place is? Say it again, I'm gonna hurt you. I'm gonna hurt you. What is roti? Listen, it's more of a culture thing, so I can't understand why you, but you just, you just cross your knee and you have holes in your pants and you can't you son of a bitch what is a roti no it's like

there's history chicken it's well no there's two I think there's two different ones there's like a Jamaican one and there's like a chrinnon and then there's might be like an Indian one it's not your food no that's correct you have no food they nailed it though yeah they nailed it, but it has nothing. You heard a black question. Yeah, I'm sort of riding with them. I'm sort of riding with them. You can't ride, that's what England does.

England has nothing. Sugar teagabasala. Yeah, it's all curry. Yeah. Fuck off, that's not good. No, like if everyone was arguing, I would be standing next to Indian guys, being like, yeah.

I'm on there a team, 100%. Dude, you, I mean, I'm sorry. You're right, Canadian probably has, they got, is that a beaver tail? That's a beaver tail? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a donut. We did that too.

That's us. You guys have nothing. It's a birdie donut. Can't do that, I have to say it. I wanna hear you say it. Canada has not. I'm trying to think if there's anything. Okay, it's like a Pogo stick is that American?

Yes. Okay. If it wasn't, we made it famous. The actual Pogo stick? You, in my opinion, I would agree that all Canadian food is probably just like, I'm from somewhere else. From somewhere else, there's nothing Canadian.

I guess I thought that about American too, but I'm finding out that that's not true. No, America, we invented all the good food. I thought it was just all people like different types of European coming down here with there are things. Dude what do you know? I've never originally immigrated here. I didn't know the invented like the hamburger didn't exist.

Tell America. Hamburg was invented a new haven Connecticut. Nice. And as we know it on a bun. Good work. You can still go there and buy it at lose. It's a little tiny place. You can go in.

They invented it right there. The hamburger that we know, hamburgers, when it first came out was just the meat. And it was for rich people. And you know, it's the hamburger. It was like on the side. Because you had grinding meat probably was a fucking difficult part.

State sort of situation. So then they took the meat and they put it in a, between bread, used to be wax paper, but it was so greasy. Someone was like they put it in a between bread. It used to be wax paper, but it was so greasy. Someone was like, let's put this between bread and made the hamburger and lose in Connecticut, new heaven, Connecticut, where three of the best pieces of places in the world are, by the way.

I've been at two of them. Sally's and Frank's and modern pizza, supposed to be one of the greatest still. I'm up there in that place. And you can still go get a hammer and it stinks. It's on white bread and they toast it, but they use toasts of it from like the fucking 1800s. Oh, it's the vertical ones.

Vertical. I saw they did a hamburger thing on, I watched a hamburger documentary on PBS because I'm a dork. Yeah, it's, as we were talking about, I would think that my producer would bring it up so we could see it, but she's, I don't think she fell asleep back there.

But, uh, She's a super Canadian foods right there. But she's a percanadian food source. Luz, there it is, right there. Of course she was doing it. That's the hamburger right there at Luz. And it comes, it's so big. Oh, it's the hamburger that your grandmother makes you who asks for McDonald's. It's the grossest fucking hamburger you ever had.

Have you ever made a big Mac? I would go just to get it, but it's fun. It comes with white onions, but not even cooked. It's just an onion on it. Oh, no, that's like such an old man thing. My dad used to eat fucking a slice of liver worst and a slice of onion. I was like, you really fucking were born in the depression.

You piece of shit. It's disgusting, dude. It's gross. That does sort of suck for them, though, because everyone stopped doing hamburgers like that. And it's raw, too, in the middle. Yeah, you come there and people are like, you call this a hamburger and they're like,

we actually invented it. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't that be so annoying? The pattern ran out. They go, this isn't a hamburger, right? No, this is the hamburger. Yeah, that must drive these guys.

What they do is not a hamburger. What's your special sauce? We don't have sauce. Yeah. Yeah, Ryan will be pissed. You know the sauce? I need a honey mustard sauce. I can't dip this in anything just throw it against the wall

Yeah, you guys don't dip in Frank's red hot sauce ever like if you get breakfast you never put I'm a grown man I'm not a little bit men is dipping a kid thing men. Yes, it's a kids thing. Give us a little kids pack with the dipping little thing Yeah, that's that's that's a kid is that the thing like you have to at some point you just have to have mom Yeah, that's a kid. Is that the thing? Like, you have to, at some point, you just have to have to have, I'm 40, I don't dip anymore. Why would you,

why would you ruin anything with a sauce that's just a chemical? Hmm. Well, with Frank's red hot sauce, I guess you're addicted to it. Cause legitimately that one, I feel like so many people just are, You know what you do?

You pour. You pour it off. Yeah, pour. Men pour. Men pour. Boys dip. Okay, I think I'm gonna actually change this because I've never saw this way, but like, you're probably making a reasonable point.

Yeah, men, do you see? Do you see? Yeah, you get pour. You see any entire country at Canada, boys. Yeah, they do. You got to come to America and be a man, poor. Yeah, come to America, men in America, poor. So if you're dipping, you kind of do that in private.

You don't even have gravy boats out there. They just have bowls. Yeah, don't admit it. Don't admit if you're dipping, you kind of do that in private. You don't even have gravy boats out there. They just have bowls. Yeah, don't admit it. Don't admit that you're a dipping. I didn't realize that I had this connotation, I thought. Dude, you get little things and you have to have you a little hand. I'm not feeling great about it now.

You have to do this. This is how you dip. And that's how you do it. I hold it in one full fist. Double, you double down like this. You smash. No, I'm gonna do it. I put my hand in the range

and I sort of spritzed it on everything. Yeah. Like you're disciplining a cat. Yeah. What about this? If you use the knife and then knife to put it on little bite by bite. That's a spreader.

Is that just worse as it's getting worse? I mean, dude, unless you spread it while the sandwich is being made. Last question. Yes. What if you had, like, let's say I was doing ketchup or hot sauce, right? What if I had it on a pile on the plate

and you're sort of dipping, but you're not like taking it off and dipping it somewhere else, but it's just more like, it's kind of a, you're preparing the bite with the sauce on it. You can squirt ketchup on a plate and dip into the ketchup, right? Yeah.

That's not considered dipping. But into the ketchup, right? Yeah. That's not considered dipping. But leaving the plate for another top is that. If you leave the plate to go into a side dipping container, you're a child. Okay, so. You're not a man. Well, that I don't really do.

Cause you have to peel or whatever the, whatever the little container you're going away, you just, I mean, that man, you have, there's your plate. Yeah. You squirt your stuff on, right? You're saying it's the opposite of like a theme park. Like at the ketchup tray, they should have like must be under this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You get dip. You get dip. You get dip. You get dip. Whoa. Yes.

Absolutely. Theme parks are different. We're not talking that. That's family fun. You understand? We're talking at a restaurant. You're a girl. You're a man.

If you, if I look up at, If you can see Disney, you get a puri-pass. If I saw, if you have a wrist thing on, you're fine. So, so wait. If you see a French dip on a lunch menu, you lose your mind. Listen, French dip is another thing because the French dip, you're pouring.

You gotta be having a bow to be French. Listen, you don't dip a French dip. It's a dip, but it's more of a pour. You're not dipping, it's the sandwiches too big and you'll tip over the thing. It's not a dipping thing. You're kind of pouring it on there as a man would do. If I looked over at you and I was with my wife

and went, I was like, yeah. And you're over there and you're dipping, like look at this fucking asshole. Right. My wife was like, what the fuck? Why is he dipping that poor girl?

She's with a dipper? Oh my god, he's spreading. Yeah, yeah. If Chris was there, I think, why is the maintenance guy dipping his feet? Yeah, why is that generic face guy dipping? Even pizza, all right. Well, you don't, on the plate, from here on out, I can't all plate that.

Listen, pizza is pizza. It's a sauceed food. I don't understand. Yeah, it has sauce on it. What have they got us? I think it's addicted. It's like, to be honest, they just made it such a thing that it feels weird without it now.

Whatever you do. He's like, he's black guys bitching about the crack epidemic. Enough, just switch. It was, it was a wrench. It was the CIA. It switched, it never used to be like that when I was probably around 20, it just switched and then once you dip, you can't stop

and that is the like, my- I love that that's the idea is to see. They didn't used to have it at the piece of plate. CIA, CIA, Opti, Turn Canada into a bunch of fruits. Just give them ranch for their pizza. Okay, that's probably what it did. Yeah, that's so queer. Rich, we look at California, same shit.

True enough, yeah. New York City don't dip, Boston, we're not dippers. We're not doing that. We're still fucking men. Yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, CIA. That's what happened. Ranch dressing dipping.

I love the idea of like just two gay guys on a date in Chelsea. And one of them sees the other one dip and goes, I can't let you dip in this and just walks out. The dipping is no good pizza is you get it made, you can have whatever you want on pizza. I don't give a fuck what you put on it, but it has to be. Gotta go on before the first bite.

And then you cook and that's the whole concept of pizza. You don't add anything else to a pizza. That's it. You never touch the blue cheese with your wings either. You go on. First of all, I'm not a blue cheese guy. You're a ranch guy for the wings? I would do ranch for the wings.

But that's a whole different ballgame. And here's the thing. I don't like to dip. I like to just eat the wing for what it is. I mostly just eat the wing. You know why? Because you're a man. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to sit there and, okay, I'll dip into the thing and then it's all over me. And it's just a- You don't want to get ever, ever have like a little, I don't even like a dippy cream thing because you don't want to ever have a little white on your lip.

No, dude, never. Yeah. No, you don't want to, you don't want to get lips white and red from the start. Yeah. I don't even eat white foods because I'm so straight. I don't want any to do a lips white and red from the spot. I don't even eat white foods because I'm so straight. I don't want any white on my lips ever. Not in my mouth, not around my mouth.

Do what else can you dip? You wings, I'll tell you, you would not like the way that I eat craft dinner. Why, you dipping bites of that and dipping in a ketchup. Are you dipping? She is. It's better than the, if you're dipping mac and cheese, that's a little ridiculous.

Out of the pot, too. Dude, you need a fucking father. Where's your dad? I feel like he likes crappy foods, too. Dude, I'll tell you what, my dad was a big popcorn guy, which is he who's probably the original popcorn guy in the family. I've never seen him have a kernel of popcorn in his bag

before the anthem started of a game. He eats all the popcorn. I've never seen his bag make it past the anthem. Really? Yeah, or the or the previews in a movie's not once. The popcorn's not standard chance when he's there. Yeah, I don't need popcorn anymore. I don't fuck with popcorn.

Well, it will destroy your stomach. I can eat too much popcorn. Is it why is that? Just a lot of hyper and popcorn. Dude, it's fucked. Popcorn is terrible. I heard it's the opposite no from who all the butter and stuff's bad but if you're eating it raw

it's actually I've heard it's already terrible for you Oh fuck yeah corner's fucking awful for you well I did I even like a okay if you have corn on the cob well pop than chips for you I think as far as those snacks go it's still not great for you I mean yeah you fryer in the potato chip snacks go, it's still not great for you. I mean, yeah, you're frying the potato chip, but I mean, it's corn vegetable. It's corn vegetable?

So aren't I eating vegetable? No, it's a grain. Okay, yeah, technically. It's a grain. So okay, so then. It's terrible. I know that because I know all the documentaries that are like, that's one of the reasons why food's so bad.

I'm sorry. It's all made with corn. Corn, yeah. That's a big part of the idea. What's all made with high fructose corn syrup? There's a certain type of corn that they grow. That's not like the corn. But I thought when you're just eating corn on the cob,

that's not as bad for you. I mean, it's not as bad for you as eating a bag of popcorn, walking down Union Square like a fucking lunatic. No, he goes full tub. I mean, he's going tub. You don't go to tub. You think that's bad? Then I eat the bag.

No, you don't go to tub. Oh, I still got some of the butter on him. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't go tub. I go with dead. No, I go medium bag. Yeah, that's like a pigeon. You're a pigeon at that point. Tubs pushing it. I don't do this very often. If I have a studio walking down the street with a bag of popcorn, I'm slapping it out of your hand. I mean, I, I put this in no cat, the category of not that different of like, if you, like you said, at the end of the night, you got an ice cream. 100%. percent dude. The end of the night I've never heard anybody in my life when I do

yeah I go to the end of it and I get a bag of popcorn. It's never been done. Hey you guys you guys throwing that out are you throwing that out? You guys want to get some late night going dude you're the only person not only do you you get popcorn from what you overpay so much. No way you're gonna get a $12 pop. No, I got a guy you tells me when they throw the, they throw it out that. The garbage bag, you're just gonna, I got a guy that tells me garbage.

He gives you a hot tip, he shoots you a text, there's just one folding bag on top, you have to scoop it out of the garbage bag for yourself. Yeah, you know, you just, Ryan travels with his own scoop. You have your own bag like the people that hold food. Yeah, we got it. The grocery.

He's got my name engraved on my scoop. Ah, all right, listen, we got to wrap this up. I can't believe you're a dipper. Ryan, what do you got, man? Before we head out, what do you got going? Are you on a podcast? It's up. I guess the boys got the boys cast Ryan Long.

This weekend in Phoenix then Dallas then Toronto Buffalo Tampa Boston and Yeah, I released a video at youtube.com slash Ryan long comedy every Monday and it sure you do a sketch. Yeah, I do a sketch every Monday Yeah, I fucking love your sketches. Thanks man. I really I think they're great. Appreciate it Um, who do you do with this? It's just you?? It's kind of, I think I have a couple of people that work with me, like, you know, a few people that help with editing and stuff like that. But predominantly it's kind of I'm the operation. Um, but yeah, no, I was like, I've done that stuff for like ever.

And then, uh, I have a funny one. I've just been like doing them with all my friends here and stuff like that and different people I work with. I have a funny one coming to next Monday with Ian and Danny Polo, check. Oh, really? Yeah, Ian's, uh, Ian plays a lawyer. It's like wild like lawyer and it's a guy being on trial for being a simp.

That's coming up Monday. Oh, that's good. Yeah, they're fun. Yeah, they're good. Great, man. They're really funny. Thanks, man. I do waste a lot of money on them.

Whenever most people is content, you could just like, talk to a camera for two seconds and I'm like, sometimes I am like, why am I doing this? I do it, man. I think it's great. I think I love seeing. Anytime I see when it, man. I think it's great. I think I love seeing it. Anytime I see when I watch it, I think it's great. Let's check them out.

I appreciate that. And Chris, we met before, right? No, no, no, just. Who are you? What do you do? That's great. It just made me laugh because you've had that story with a few people.

It was just him and then Lev once. Oh, no, there was something about a girl. That's why you said it about a girl. Oh, I did. I will do that with like a hot chick. I will give them a certain amount of times because hot chicks will just do that to fuck with you. They know who you are. They're just a hot chick and they want you to fucking reintroduce you. What's your name? I give a hot chick six meetings. Six is generous.

I'm a generous. They got to be pretty hot. But I give them shit before I'm like, fuck you. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not telling you my, I once told a girl I'm not ever telling you my name again. And then she goes, what's your name again? And I go, fuck off.

It was SD from the comedy cell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, I have nothing to book. You have nothing? No, you got your podcast. You got your high society radio. And I do commentary for Catalyst Wrestling on FightTV.

Check that out. Have you ever been to the wrestling thing? No. Dude, she comes, Zach Amiko's manager there. It's really fun. When is it? The next one's in January, I'll let you know. Please, I'm 100%.

Yeah. You got one to go with me? Yeah, yeah, dude. It's like really sick. Yeah, I wonder. It's like background, underground wrestling. It's like the coolest thing. I'm fucking in. And of course, you're podcast.

High society radio with Chris Stanley and Brock John and John in the Ron and Fest show. I mean, dude, he's so funny. Yeah, I love him. I wish he would do more stuff. Yeah, so talented. His videos are pretty good too. They're not on Ryan's level.

His songs are great. I think it's really fun. Oh, yeah. I always loved that thing he did with a East Side Dave, the fuck Tom Brady song that they did like years ago. Yeah. And it was just like nothing about sports. They were just like, I'm gonnauck Tom Brady song that they did like years ago. Yeah. And it was just like, nothing about sports. They were just like, I'm gonna Fuck Tom Brady's mouth.

He did. He did the giant. He did the one for Cruiser Kids. Oh yeah, that was great. I forgot, yeah, I made that video. Fucking great video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we got that.

And of course, go check them out on Instagram. What's your Instagram, dude? Everything's at Ryan Lungcom. And what's yours? At Chris from BKLYN. All right, check it out. Check them out. Check me out, Robert K.Live.

You already know all that shit. If you're watching this on YouTube, please subscribe, hit that button. Just subscribe. Stop fucking being stingy with your subscribe. Like it's costing you something you fucking. I mean, 100,000 likes on the last video, and the subscriptions thing go up.

Come on. Are you out of your mind? Like, just subscribe. Stop being a loser. You're a, you're a dipper. I bet you're a dipper. You do have to beg for it. That's the only thing that I'm not begging.

I'm threatening right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should busy dipping a click, subscribe. You fucking mo. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I boss in this weekend, of course. San Diego, I got Naples, Florida, Levittown, Buffalo, going to Toronto.

Yeah, I know with Aaron, right? Yeah. Yeah. Tell me where to go, what food to get. Chicken and roti. Have roti. I don't know if I can order roti in my lifetime. There's a lot of good spots around.

I don't like eating something that looks like shit already. It doesn't look like the other roti is of good spots around. I don't like eating something that looks like shit already. It doesn't look like the other one. He's so good, dude. I rob a cat alive.com for all my days and make sure if you are watching this for free. If you want to get unedited extra episodes, call it during Kelly, the JLP party, patreon.com slash rob a Kelly,

you get this show and so much more for the price of a cup of coffee, plus you support this show and all the people that work so hard to do it. So go there, become a subscriber and support the show. And of course, get my special at luick.com, Killbox, it's available now. I'm very proud of it.

Louis CK directed it, produced it, down in C.P. Florida. If you haven't gotten it, get it now. Nicole, New Nikki, thank you so much. Check out all the people at jokes Russell. Check out his YouTube page and my at Mike V. Suarez, the mush, check out what he's gonna be. And that's it, that's all we got.

We'll see you next week on You Know. Oh, I gotta read this, you son of a bitch. You've heard of that, that guy times present, it's the only network. It's a network. It's another network. Yes, guys times present, and they're out there,

and they're badass, and they're injecting a boner medicine into the cocks of unfunny comedy podcast. So go check them out right now. At guy times presents, they get a bunch of different shows on there. Check them out. I got a question real quick for you.

Ask Ryan, say the word body. Body. The fuck is that mean? You said it right. Wait, what should I say? I don't know. It says word, the word body. Like what do they think I'm going to say body?

I know. Grow weed. Ask Ryan to say the word body. Body. I don't fuck you. Fuck you, grow weed. I know. You smoke a weed. I don't fuck you, fuck you, Gro-Reed. I don't know, you smoke a weed. I don't know.

And then Lou, did either Ryan or Chris collect anything as a kid? Comic books. Yeah, lots of different things. Yeah, dipping sauces. Dipping sauces. Very stupid cards. Yeah, dipping cups.

Magic the Gathering cards. Ugh. Did you really? Yeah. This is what I'm like, 11. Yeah, but it's still in you. No, I never really, like past, like never in high school. That was over. High school, would you do rock and roll finger banging?

Yeah, we're just fingering chicks, dude. Finger and chicks, were you dipping? That's what you're doing. That's how we learn how to dip. Diplomatic immunity is the fucking clip of the week. I will see you guys next week. On you know what, Dad! ¡Bye! Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.

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