Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Sensitive Bob

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

This week on YKWD; We are back! And we have a killer episode with Robert Kelly, Joe List, Chris Scopo and Jason Kantor! We dive into Bobby's Montreal camping experience, and talk about how Ari made Bo...bby feel sensitive. We give Ari a ring on the phone and then he pops in the studio! We start to pull up videos to see if we can make ourselves cry, things get hysterical when Ari almost does! Watch/Listen/Share/Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is going to be a cost-effective podcast. No rules. What are the mic-ass holes? I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a microphone? No, what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:00:22 That was trying to keep it like a comic-head. I have a bunch of eyes on. It's just us sitting down Sometimes it's hilarious sometimes. It's having no topics no directions. I love doing it Side to the coin I want to do you think my podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lines. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com. There we go. Let's go. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:00:51 Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:00:59 Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. That's a bit of a fucking touching off. All right, we're back live in the YKWD, you know, it's the Ryecast studio, but let's be honest.
Starting point is 00:01:14 No, I'm kidding. It's the Ryecast studios. Here, above the beautiful comedy seller, I want to thank everybody who we took we took a couple weeks off. Yeah, yeah, like two weeks. Yeah, which I'm sure that Adam and Lauren were grateful to Jesus Christ, so whatever. Lord, they praise. Well, like, oh, thank God. I missed you guys. I missed you guys. I miss Lauren. I missed Adam. I missed being here with you guys. We're back in the saddle again. What? Yeah, fucking had to make it queer.
Starting point is 00:01:47 And of course we got Joe List here. I missed you guys too. I feel bad. I haven't been part of the program in a while. You've had a lot of stuff going on. Mostly dental appointments. Thank God. That's hurtful.
Starting point is 00:01:59 I'm sorry guys. Here's what sucks. Everyone I keep talking to, they go, oh my God, it's amazing. You're spending thousands and I was It's gonna be a mate. You're gonna look great. I'm like no, no, it's the teeth in the back So I'm still gonna have yellow crooked teeth. Yeah, yeah, it's not good Well, what the fuck are you gonna start somewhere? Start in the back and work your way up. I know I got it
Starting point is 00:02:16 But everyone's like it's gonna be amazing, but I'm like no, I still have the shitty stain bad team Well, can't you get some invisible something? I, here's the thing. I thought about that. I wanted to do that. I'm out with it. Here's why. I have a wife. She loves me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:30 I've accepted myself. You know, you don't think if you got beautiful straight teeth that she would be like, oh my god. Listen, I'm going to give you a little story. Dawn used to have bee cups, okay? She had little, she had one, one boob was big in the other. One nipple was huge. The other nipple looked like a little Filipino boy nipple.
Starting point is 00:02:47 And I was happy, I was fine with their titties. And one day she came over and said, hey, the doctor at my job offered me free breast implants. He's the best in New York City. And it's only going to cost $1,000. And I was like, why, why would do, I love you for who you are, why would you, why would you mess that up? Inside I was like, yes, fucking yes. And she got it done and it's oh my,
Starting point is 00:03:13 they're so big and juicy and voluptuous. And they're both the nipples of the same size. He fixed those. He fixed the nips. He fixed the nips and they're beautiful. Fucking awesome. Play girl, Tatees, not Playboy play boy play girl when they have a little droop They look like real titties and all that not tear drops fucking Doug Doug's
Starting point is 00:03:33 That means we need to take him out of the brother go Doug Doug Doug Doug dude and you don't think that your wife if you got your fucking teeth Just beautiful and straight to shoot and inside be like, oh, thank you God Maybe possibly that is how I think that's how I thought all of my life until recently she was like no do that I love the teeth the way they are in Boo Boo and I went this is true love in our marriage gonna be great You're making me question all of that now. Well, I'm just trying well, we're gonna we're gonna talk about this today Uh, I've been married for 10 years coming up October 10th Okay, yeah, so we're gonna talk about this today. Cause I've been married for 10 years coming up October 10th, okay? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:07 So we're gonna talk about that. But before we get into that, I'm gonna tell you, one of the most important parts about being married, Joe. Yes, you're bed. Gotta have a good bed, I would imagine. You gotta have a big bed. A big bed. King bed.
Starting point is 00:04:19 Your mother's a big bed. I'm slipping on a twin. Yeah, well, you're not married. Yeah, but I'm alone in a twin bed in Queens. That's the way it should be. That's the way you, that's the way everybody wants me alone by myself in a twin. I'm telling you right now, it's not just the bed. It's not the bed.
Starting point is 00:04:34 It's the sheets. The sponsor of the new show, Brooklinon, okay? Brooklinon.com, they sent me sheets. They called me up this new sponsor. I said, yeah, send me the sheets. I want to's a good one. Brooklyn and Dotcom, they sent me sheets. I, they called, Rob calls me up this new sponsor. I said, yeah, send me the sheets. I want to feel them. Yeah. I'm not going to just, you know, I've done that before
Starting point is 00:04:50 where we had sponsors and I got the thing and I'm like, ugh, it's not really, ugh. And I felt like a phony. It's like, oh, get this thing and I didn't even want it. They sent me the sheets. Now, here's what we did. I felt them. They were all below soft.
Starting point is 00:05:02 We went on vacation. She gave it to the maid. So when we come back from vacation last night, we were in Montreal for a week, two weeks I was there. Then I was in the white mountains for two weeks, around two weeks or a week and a half. We come back last night, five hour drive from the white mountains. We get in the beds made with the new Brooklyn and sheets. Buddy, buddy. I felt like I was at a five star hotel. They're so soft. They're so.
Starting point is 00:05:31 What's the third count? I don't even know, but they're ridiculous. It was like being at a four seasons in sane. I'm not even, I'm not just saying this. I know that's what's more Brooklyn. Let me tell you something. They're unbelievable. You spend a 30 year life in your sheets.
Starting point is 00:05:50 I know I'm gonna read off the copy now, but I'm. It's true though. I'm more if you're racist. LOL. Can you not? What? This is my sponsor. I'm sorry.
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Starting point is 00:06:13 And look, you get a sheeting, they're $800, $1,000. Yeah. Go to the website. It's so cheap, it's almost ridiculous. I need a. Under a couple hundred bucks, you can get these amazing sheets. I'm gonna get something. Brian, your great sheet is easy.
Starting point is 00:06:29 It's an easy way to upgrade your life. The right sheets can make a break, a good night's sleep, and help you feel better and more wear rest at every day. Even though the quality sheets they make for a quality sleep, most high-end bedding, it's marked up around 300%. 300%. Did you know that? That's really good. It's like, remember back in New York City, you buy a bedding, I mean, you buy a leather jacket down the street,
Starting point is 00:06:49 70% off. It's not real. And then you go in, it's still 800 bucks. Right. Because they would charge in 5,000 for a $200 leather jacket. You know, it's the same thing with sheets. They mark it up 300%. And by the time it reaches you in the store,
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Starting point is 00:07:44 Their sheets have over 12,000 five star reviews. That's crazy. 12,000. My great, my favorite restaurant has a 250 reviews. And that's saying something, my favorite restaurant. They have a huge corporation. Donalds. They have, that's not McDonald's, all right? They have versatile colors and patterns that you can mix and match to effortlessly compliment any decor. And I got that out. And you didn't think I was going to get that out. I wouldn't have got that out. Of course you would. Enough. You have to go, what does versatile mean? I was a decor. This is luxury betting underpriced. You have to try these sheets today. I'm telling you, I got in them last night out like that. It was like, they ripped.
Starting point is 00:08:31 No, they didn't. All right, I really do, I love these sheets. It was so great to have them on the bed last night. Brooklyn and dot com, all right. You get these sheets right now. I know you love them and you should get a pair i might buy you some for your wedding i'll be great uh... grande what is that i don't know
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Starting point is 00:09:34 And $20 off, you say, oh, $20 off of sheets, that's not. The price is so low that $20 off is almost like 40% off the sheets. It's a great deal. The only way to get the $20 off and free shipping is to use promo code WhatDude. That's WhatDude at brooklinon.com. Brooklinon.com. promo code WhatDude.
Starting point is 00:09:54 I'm telling you, if you love your bed as much as me, get these sheets. brooklinon.com, use code WhatDude. All right, we got a great show. Introduce everybody, Lauren. We're back. We are back back we have second time guest second time second time Jason canter Jason canter me back Jason canter you guys by at doctor Jason canter on Twitter I'm trying to
Starting point is 00:10:18 get a new one it's it was an old joke that never really worked out to it wasn't your sufi you're gonna sell merch a couple that you and a doctor's lab coat. Now my grandfather used to tell people who's a doctor for like better parking and better reservations at restaurants and stuff like that. So I thought it's funny. And then why does that get in? That's not like what? Like in the 60s and 70s, I think they can get one back in the day. It will oversteer politicians, politicians, like a doctor had, yeah, like a bag, like a leather bag, run out of there and take care of some surgery or something so they'd get you a table right away.
Starting point is 00:10:50 Remember doctors used to make house calls? Yeah, I think some still do. They do. I don't know. Maybe in New York City. Yeah. Yeah, you rich people, you're poor, you're waiting in line at a fucking clinic.
Starting point is 00:11:03 I don't see a doctor. I called Dr. Steve a lot I can I give a shout out to Dr. Steve but dude that guy's unbelievable. I call him about my stones. Yeah, I mean I'll ask him. Yeah again. Oh wow. Yeah, I got two in me. Can I look at him? Can we have them in the studio? I already passed one. I got two more on their way. Can you can we have them if they come out? I might blast them so so I gotta say. I'll ask them out, you fucking cliff. I bet there's a guy that would be really into that.
Starting point is 00:11:29 You can piss him out on his chest. He pisses Jim Norton. Well, she pisses, it sounds like a spittoon. The flow is pretty heavy right now. A spitt-poon. Did you guys have the word poon for pussy? How we do now? Yeah, poon-hound, right?
Starting point is 00:11:43 Dr. Steve is amazing. I, I, he you he's my hero. We were away up. We went up. Max came up to I got sick in Montreal. I went out. Uh-huh. Just in case. Oh, it's coming. I was just put it here. I got sick in Montreal. I went We're up in Montreal doing the nasty show amazing time. I love Montreal. We had a great time. I went, uh, we're up in Montreal doing the nasty show. Amazing time. I love Montreal. We had a great time. I did the, uh, I did, of course, the nasty show with big J Ari Godfrey, Yamanika and Jimmy car. How many nights was that? It was two weeks around two weeks. I didn't do the full two weeks. I left early. Uh, I did the live wife, AWD, which is up now, if you're watching, it's fucking great. I took a hammering because I always do.
Starting point is 00:12:30 Anytime we're in a line, like at a table, it's like I always get the fucking, just a blast. It might call us, join us, which I love might call to so much Jim Norton. It was Max killed it. Max came out, yeah, he killed it. I had a thumb to beat it. Max your child. Max came out. Yeah, he killed it. I had a tell him to beat it. Max your child.
Starting point is 00:12:47 Like he came out on the nasty show one night. He was there. Ari brought him out one night. I was to get night that he walks out on stage in front of 1500 people. Walked right up to the microphone, walked right up to the front of the stage, looked at everybody, not even to care in the world, grabbed the microphone, started talking. Then he goes, all right, good night.
Starting point is 00:13:04 And he gives the peace sign and walks off. Wow, I hope he has it in him. I wish he did a super finger. Can you imagine? Me too. I probably get sued. You get sued by. I get it.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Well, sorry. I love you, I be sorry. I don't know, you look unbelievable. Listen, I don't know. What are you doing? Yeah, you listen, wait. You look jacked. Jacked.'t know. What are you doing? Yeah, you listen.
Starting point is 00:13:26 You look jacked. This is the first time you've looked jacked and not fat in a long time. Yeah. I look jack in the box. Scopo really just took it. You missed it, but he was just. Jack in the box. Should I go bono?
Starting point is 00:13:37 Should I keep this? I wrote it. Thanks. I have to keep the box. She wrote it down for it. I didn't realize it was a joke. And then nice to, I can be. Um, so Ari Shafir, the wanderer, you know, the way he is, he's like, Hey, we're going camping. I want to go camping while we're in Montreal. We
Starting point is 00:13:53 have Sunday and Monday off. We're going to go. And I said, okay. And he asked big J and big J said, okay. And I don't think he was expecting us to say yes. And we did. And then it started to rain out, and he rented a cottage. I'm like, well, now it's, now it's, you know, some, some gay retreat. That's like a, you know, it's like three guys going to a cottage, but I was like, fuck it, we went. Pre-rain was gonna be tense and stuff.
Starting point is 00:14:18 We're gonna get tense, sleeping bag, sleep out on a campsite, light a fire. That would have been intense. I love that shit. That was good. Intense. Tiss. Um, so he rented an awesome cottage.
Starting point is 00:14:33 Went up there three hours outside of Montreal on a ski mountain. And we lit a fire. We had s'mores. I cooked dinner. I felt like a fucking old queen. We went to the store. I bought all I bought 250 dollars worth of groceries for two days for two days. Well, it was you know, three guys breakfast lunch dinner dinner that's you know, that's not you know, I know you you have your mother's
Starting point is 00:14:57 house. But as far as yeah, as far as being a man with a wife and a kid, that's not that that's pretty standard. Oh, okay. Yeah, go to this buying for a kid, that's pretty standard. Oh, okay. Yeah, go to this, buying for a family, it's pretty standard. Ask your mom, she knows. So, they went out and got high. I went and took a nap. First day, I woke up, they weren't home.
Starting point is 00:15:18 So I just started cooking. I cooked steaks. You just say I woke up, they weren't home. They weren't home. As if I could. And I guess they got stoned and took a ride and got lost in the woods. In my eyes, I felt like I was just, I felt like I was just fucking up their Gary tree.
Starting point is 00:15:34 Like they was just going out to suck each other off in a car somewhere. Like I was like, Bobby said yes, and then Jay's like, fuck, I told you. You gotta ask him. So I cooked dinner and I called him up. I'm like, hey, where are you guys at? Dinner's ready.
Starting point is 00:15:48 And they were like, we'll be home in 15 minutes. And they came home. We had this fucking great dinner. We hung out. We lit a fire, me and Ari. And then we all sat by the fire all night and roasted marshmallows and fucking smoked cigars. And the next day me and Ari went on a hike.
Starting point is 00:16:05 We did like a one on one podcast hiking smoking cigars, which I don't suggest ever. What was the altitude up there? I don't know, fucking 200 feet. Oh, and that was in a mountain. Well, I was like, you know, ski mouse. I was in Utah and I had trouble breathing. Oh, wow. Now we know why you asked that question.
Starting point is 00:16:21 I really wanted to squeeze in your story. I knew that question was crazy sounding. What was that? I can't do mountains. I realize that. I can't. I asked what the altitude is. I'm an altitude guy.
Starting point is 00:16:33 If you're going to Utah, it was 200. Yeah, that reminds me of Utah, my story. Fuck you. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. So I was in Utah. I, uh, huh. So yeah, we did this thing. It was just a great trip.
Starting point is 00:16:47 We're more than the wood sound dangerous too. You could burn down the fucking wood. We're gonna fucking huge fire. Two bears in the woods. There's a five. Three bears. I think Ari's an otter, yeah. Or a wolf.
Starting point is 00:16:57 Is he an otter? I don't know what he's doing. If he has a beard, he's a wolf. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, wow. Skinny straight guys. So, I think he's a wolf. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know he an otter? I don't know what he's doing. He's a baby.
Starting point is 00:17:05 If he has a beard, he's a wolf. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, wow. Skinny, skinny striker. Skinny, yeah. How did you learn that? I learned that.
Starting point is 00:17:13 Also nice beard. Yeah. Also wolf. Yeah, I'm a wolf. No, you're not a wolf. I used to be an otter. You're a fucking, you're a chubby wolf. You're a bare wolf. That hurt.
Starting point is 00:17:22 It's better than being a sloppy bottom like Joe. What? No, Joe be an otter. I think I'm an otter. I've been told that was an otter a twink A twink is like You know Now what is it? Gary Veter might be twink. Yeah, he's actually pretty built nice. Well, you what do you be? I'm just an author too. You're an author.
Starting point is 00:17:46 Is it hair with, I get some chest hair and stuff with, you're like a gay teacher. A skinny hairy gay man. A firt of myself as an author. I am, yeah. A twink is real little. I think. Men and their late teens to early 20s.
Starting point is 00:18:03 Yeah, yeah, there you go. Hairless. Hair go. Hairless. Hairless. Hairless of twinks. I'm hungry now. I want a twinky. So anyways, so what do you, what is that?
Starting point is 00:18:14 What is that? So anyways, we got, so we got fucking, we came back, I want to be getting sick doing this stupid thing. Go back to the festival. I had a, I had a higher doctor to the rock and roll doctor for the festival. Come to the room and get me a prescription. I got a sinus infection that turned into a cold that was going to turn into some chest thing. He had to come
Starting point is 00:18:36 back, give me some, some antibiotic and a house called, a house call, 300 fucking dollar house call. I thought the festival was going to cover Canadian. Yeah, 250 fucking dollar house call. I thought the festival was gonna cover Canadian. Yeah, 250 something, but still. You could have fed a family of guys for two days on that. We did. And then Max got my shit. And then we did the whole thing and we went to the, we were driving to the white mountains to do this wedding.
Starting point is 00:19:02 My cousin got married up in the white mountains. There was 150 people out in a farm. Beautiful wedding. Max, he had a bow tie, suspenders, a suit. Looked like a million bucks. He's been waiting to wear the suit for months. She bought the suit. I mean, the whole weddings,
Starting point is 00:19:18 like they have them in this old-fashioned car and they're all, like all these women, these old women have taken, you know, my aunt's, and I've taken photos of them and my cousin Michael, they're both like a year apart, they look great. Max looks like a, he looks like a fucking model. And I look at him and he's in the car and he's, looks sad and I go, you all right,
Starting point is 00:19:35 goes, I don't feel good. Fucking guy had 103 fever. Oh my God. We had to leave the fucking wedding. We had to take him back to this house we rented up in the woods and you know, we're up all night controlling his fever. We called Dr. Steve to bring it all the way back to Dr. Steve. Dr. Steve is the mother. He is literally has saved Max life. Oh, probably
Starting point is 00:19:55 like 15 times. I mean, we were on the phone with him. He's telling us what to do. Don't know what to do. Of course, too. I'm panicking. I'm like, we have to go. We have to go to a major city. We have to, she's like, shut the fuck up. You know, I'm giving tell us what to do, don't know what to do, of course, too. I'm panicking. I'm like, we have to go. We have to go to a major city. We have to, she's like, shut the fuck up. You know, I'm giving him Advil, and then we go to Thailand and then we go back, and then he wound up getting his shit together a couple days later and felt better. He survived.
Starting point is 00:20:16 He survived. That's good. Barely. Barely. Really? He was that sick? No, I'm kidding. Fuck, fuck, you think of that. That's all fuck you think I would tell I would tell I would tell
Starting point is 00:20:29 I'm if he was that sick I'd send him and Don back to Boston. I'm not enjoying my vacation because I haven't fly fish for a long time. I'm gonna waste that house. Did you go fishing? Yeah I went fishing. Nothing. Nothing. What's fly fishing where you're standing in the river? Well, are you a, are you a rice? Are you okay, Jay? What's flyfish when you stand in the river? Yes, it's, that's when you wear the rubber things. No, it's not rubber, but yes. Do you do the thing where you like, whew, whew, whew.
Starting point is 00:20:57 You're like wind up and it goes wild. You're gonna blast the baiting. You think you're jerking off your boyfriend? I don't do. You don't jerky boyfriend off. I mean, yes, sure. I'm a, yes. Who wants to be jerked boyfriend? I don't do. You don't jerky boyfriend off? I mean, yeah, sure. I'm a... Who wants to be jerked off?
Starting point is 00:21:08 I don't like to be jerked off. I say no. What about the mouth and vagina and asshole? I would rather take a hand job. Where do you look when you're jerking somebody off? I close my eyes and I think of the girl I really want to find out. The fat fucking Puerto Rican chick we just saw outside. What do you mean you'd rather be jerked off,
Starting point is 00:21:25 but he's softer her hands. You don't understand. All right, let's. I don't understand. That's why I'm asking you. That's where my question came from. Change of pace. Well, I want to go back to the things.
Starting point is 00:21:35 I'm sick too. How you sick? Yeah, I get a little head cold. So it's Norman. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick for my wedding. Well, don't touch him. When you're wedding. And don't read them to that microphone.
Starting point is 00:21:44 So the 11 day, you think at the invite? Yeah, I'm gonna lost my mind. I probably The I mean this way you're in for Joe and I'm sorry to announce it to you is that and I suggest this to you don't have a kid. Oh, we're not until until you're a little older and joy older. She's 41. Is she really?
Starting point is 00:22:02 No. Oh, how old is she? I'd rather not say. So she's that old. She's old. She's old. Is she really? No. Oh, how old is she? I'd rather not say. So she's that old, she's old. She's older than you. Yeah, she's older than me. She was a senior when I was an eighth grade.
Starting point is 00:22:12 How old are you? Ooh. 35. So she's up there. She's 39. So if we had a kid who would be half a retard, I think it wasn't easy to over 40. Wasn't easy to break you and get that age out.
Starting point is 00:22:25 You think that was? Really, I just had a change. No. I didn't go backwards in the question asking, how old are you? So she's older, she's older. I know I'm getting older, because I just picked my nose openly and breaking you now.
Starting point is 00:22:36 I don't give a shit anymore. You got a bugger in there, you got to get rid of it. Buddy, it's so much after you get married, if you have a kid, nothing's the same. No, I know. You do tell me that. Well, I think you do because I'm sitting there going, okay, I get it.
Starting point is 00:22:55 Having a kid is fucking ridiculously time consuming. It seems like it does. When you go away, I'm in Montreal. I got a ton of shit to do. I Still got to fucking take care of him. I still got to spend time with him because that's all he wants to do and That's all I want to do is be with him. I'm so fucking exhausted. We're up in the mountains I want to go fishing my kids sick. I can't go anywhere. I got to stay there. I got to take care of them. We got to do all this shit.
Starting point is 00:23:27 It was fucking crazy. Crazy. I'm lucky that I got a solid wife. I got a wife that wants to stay at home and be a mom and a wife. You know, if my wife had hopes and dreams other than being that, I'd be fucked because I'm a drama mama. I'm a fucking crazy person. She really keeps us together.
Starting point is 00:23:50 She keeps everything together. That's good. And if you have a kid, man, I mean, and your girl's talented too. Yes. You have a kid, if her career takes off, do you become the mom? Do you stay home?
Starting point is 00:24:02 I mean, there's an article today. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I never, you guys have a great relationship. You guys are great together. I love you guys together. Thank you. I just wish she wasn't as funny as she is and as intelligent as she is. That's got to mess though.
Starting point is 00:24:19 But we're not having a shit. She's very talented. She might surpass you at some point. It's all vital. Have you thought of that? Like, what if she becomes... That's all I think about. I would give any amount of money for her to be like, I'm making a $300 million now.
Starting point is 00:24:32 I would quit. You quit everything. I would quit comedy. You would. What would you do? No, I wouldn't quit comedy. I just picked my nose because you said it's okay. It's fun.
Starting point is 00:24:39 Take it now. Yeah, get in there. I don't like it. I pick my asshole like a balls. You smell it. Yeah. You gotta be careful. Dude, don't become a. I pick my asshole like a ball. You smell it. Yeah. You gotta be careful. Dude, don't become a sleep pitcher.
Starting point is 00:24:49 What now? A sleep pitcher. And you put in your ass. You get, this, you get, so you scratch your asshole all the time. You get used to it. It doesn't bother you anymore. And then all of a sudden, the middle of the night, you just, I woke up one night, my finger was in my asshole.
Starting point is 00:25:01 Itching. Did you come? And I fucking, how deep was it in there? It was just You come and I fucking had deep was in there. That was just on the edge. Talk about deep poo. I wasn't I was a finger fucking my asshole. Just had a hard on just jizzing on my own stomach. Don's looking over me like what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:25:17 Now, dude having a kid, I mean, are you gonna have kids? I don't think so. Really? It's not our plan. Wow, it wasn't our plan either. Is there an open window for that though? Is it 95? I think you can adopt though.
Starting point is 00:25:28 You know. I don't think so. I don't know. You're gonna adopt a kid with better teeth. Um, that's hurtful. I'm just saying, you don't have to worry about the dental bills. You have a kid, you're gonna have to worry about, you might, you know. Um, yeah, I don't think we're gonna have a kid.
Starting point is 00:25:42 I don't know. We don't have a lot of money and time and we're both working. It's a whole thing. So it seems like a lot of work. Having a kid. It doesn't seem pleasant to me. It's, it's, it's, it's, oh man, it's fucking amazing. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. I know that people with no kids are like, fuck kids.
Starting point is 00:25:58 I was the same way. Me and Dom, we used to, we used to go on vacations and see parents with kids and avoid them like the plan. We stayed at hotels that didn't allow kids. It was adults only, because we didn't want to be neat. We don't want to be at the pool with a bunch of fucking piss and rug racks.
Starting point is 00:26:17 Just fucking sitting in the pool, just annoying us. We, and then something happened. And I said, you want to be a kid? She goes, I think I do. And then we tried for a year and a half and here's max and I love him. It's the greatest thing ever, but I I am this vacation. I've been going to the white mountains for 30 years. It was so hard because he but it's the best thing ever. Yeah, but you got a cool kid though. A lot of times people get shitty kids.
Starting point is 00:26:46 I think you have a cool kid because you make a cool kid. You have a shitty kid because you're a shitty parent. You might have a cool retard kid though. Well, if I had a retarded kid, there's a lot of cool retards, retarded, mentally retarded. I know a lot of cool... Corkey Fatcher, Chris Skopo. Chris Skopo, you're not retarded.
Starting point is 00:27:03 I'm up there. You're close to the spectrum. I'm out of spectrum. I wish that you could use it as excuse, but you can't. It's all your fault. I'm just dumb. I mean, you might have a kid someday, Joe. I think you'd be a great dad.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Thank you. That's very nice. People say that I appreciate the compliment, but it doesn't seem like a very self-centered I enjoy traveling and doing comedy and running around and watching movies. I last month, I was on a boat in Belgium with my kid for a week. We traveled out of the country twice this month. That's the thing you got at your, you're hawking, fucking sheets and making lots of money.
Starting point is 00:27:37 I got no money. Buddy, I'm busted in my ass. I don't want to bust my ass. I want to leave my ass. I want my ass to be nice and Chris. I Think you're right. I mean, I waited a long time to have a kid, but you are you married? No, no, you have a girlfriend? Yeah, about three years now Three years. How old are you? I'm 40 For those
Starting point is 00:27:57 Gross It's a choosing one half kids either so no, we were the same way and then something happens You want to have kids either or so. No. We were the same way. And then something happens. Sex. When you get mad, no, when you get sex is dead. That's why I take a hand job.
Starting point is 00:28:10 How do you fuck? Like I'm sitting there, the kid was in the bed with us every night. He would come in out of his bed. There is. So. So. I don't even want to reach over the kid
Starting point is 00:28:21 and finger pop your wife while she jerks you off and hope you don't jizz on his knee. I don't I don't know what You go to bed Yeah, that sounds unpleasant too. I want a fucking travel and do comedy Yeah, that seems like a whole thing plus is a very scary world. It's a whole thing These parents that have kids and well, we thought we have sex all the time. You're a deviant You're what I don't know what I we have sex all the time. You're a deviant.
Starting point is 00:28:50 You're a what? I don't know what I don't know where the time is to fuck. We're on vacation. I thought I get a little bit, you know, I thought I get a little bit. We're in the same room as you. It's a little while. There is time, but it's like, I don't know. She's tired. I don't know. I'm fucking tired. I don't know what you do. I don't know. Just got to attack. Yeah, you're not making it good to have a kid. Well, and you're getting older. So your sex drive goes down. My sex drive is down now. My sex drive is dead, but not for other people. Oh, like she listens to this for that sense.
Starting point is 00:29:16 But I'm not saying I want, look, I want to fuck my wife more than I wanted to fuck my wife ever. She's not. Do you understand? I wanted, I want to bang Dawn now more than I wanted to fuck my wife ever. You know what I want to bang Dawn now more than ever. And Dawn sounds like an Asian ruler. Bang Dawn. Bang Dawn.
Starting point is 00:29:33 Sorry. Throwing a joke. I liked it. I laughed. What do you want? I can't tickle Jason. I think he's sick. He's fucking.
Starting point is 00:29:44 He's not the, I mean, he's not blanket. He's very quiet, but he's What does it she aren't hitting me trying to pick my spot? I can't actually do yeah. All right. Thank you. Don't say cancer to him. Please. That's all I need I'd be fucking listening to How's your throat by the way? Throat's fine. That was all I have so many I was hungry of things that I just move people like how's your tongue and I'm like oh that was like six months ago That was five Dr. Steve calls ago, but was hungry, I just move, people like, how's your tongue? And I'm like, oh, that was like six months ago. That was five Dr. Steve calls ago. But you know what I do have?
Starting point is 00:30:09 Sorry, I don't want to go off on a tangent here. But Dr. Steve, I have varicose veins in my balls, varicocally. How did you find those? It's surprising. You said the thing, Sarah, for your balls? No, my balls were aching, and I never wear a box, I have boxes, so my balls are just hanged very long We've talked about it on the show. Yeah, I've seen them my balls were sore and so then I looked back there
Starting point is 00:30:30 And it looked like a wild sea it looks like a bag of worms and as I'm Sarah's Google it throw up She's Google it. She's like it says bag of worms lit if you go to weapon Be literally says bag of worms. I call Dr. Steve. He's like it it looks like a bag of, we had three of the bag of worms. We showed him. I didn't show them. You should have prepared it. No. I'm gonna be honest, I've taken a picture of my cock
Starting point is 00:30:51 and had to send it to Dr. Steve because I had something on my cock that I had to have him check out. You should have sent it to me. I know what I'm talking about. No, you don't. But bag of worms, you gotta look up very coquely. Did you chub up first, Bobby?
Starting point is 00:31:03 No, great bag of worms. Did you chub up when, Bobby? Right. Internet. Did you chub up when you said? It's not up. Why are we? The internet's really slow to. Why are we on? Are we live? Uh-oh.
Starting point is 00:31:10 We're supposed to have great internet. What's going on? Are we on the right internet? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Cause why am I turning into a long island? Are you sure? So did you, Bobby, did you chub up when you sent them the picture?
Starting point is 00:31:22 Did you just send them like, I got it regular. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it right. I didn't send him just a fucking quick shot. Straight. Straight. I fucking I gave him a little piece. I didn't give him. I case he did fucking go nuts and start showing people my fucking cock. He looked all right. Where is it? I got worms. I love those. The top left. Vera coca. That's what my balls look like. They look wormy. I did. The first one. Oh, there you go. Let me see that the middle one right left down right there. Let's see that Can we show that? No, we can't show that no All right, all right, that just looks like old balls
Starting point is 00:31:59 That's disgusting dude. Yeah, I got that that's what your balls look like the back of my balls It looks like a little can of worms. How are you going to fix it? Well, you can have, well, first of all, you don't have to. What happens is you have to. It makes you... Fixed that before you fix your teeth. It makes... It makes...
Starting point is 00:32:13 Well, I can't see his balls. Well, one doctor can do both. It makes your... Dentist can fix you. Wormsack. They can do everything. It makes you go shoot blanks. You know, you still come, but you can't get pregnant,
Starting point is 00:32:26 which is kind of nice. And then... We do have kids. Yeah. It's like a bisectomy. Well, it's... Yeah, exactly. And then if it doesn't hurt, you don't have to do anything.
Starting point is 00:32:34 But you can do a surgery. It's pretty easy surgery. It costs about three grand. We looked it up. But it's a bag, ball bag surgery. What do they do? They just take the worms out? They take the veins right now. What does it do?
Starting point is 00:32:44 Does that hurt? You can give you cancer or something like that? No, that's what I'm saying. It's not even there though. Who's gonna see him? Only Sarah. That's what I'm saying, you fuck. Can I talk? Jesus.
Starting point is 00:32:53 Scovel went to Utah. Jesus. Oh, no. It tells me more about your hike. Maybe you can take one right now. Yeah, if the pain is not too much and you're not too worried about having kids, you can do your fun. So here's the thing though, Joe, in a couple of years, you guys might want a kid.
Starting point is 00:33:10 I'm telling you, that's what I'm talking about. Maybe we never wanted kids. We despised parents. Yes. I do. And then all of a sudden, they're the worst hosts. And then all of a sudden, we wanted a kid. Now I love, look, my kid's the shit.
Starting point is 00:33:26 No, he's fun. He's the best. And I love him, but it's the hardest fuck. God is it hard. You're not gonna raise an only child though. You're gonna have another. No, fuck. That's it.
Starting point is 00:33:37 Oh, those kids, the site comes, dude. Buddy, they're not. Actually, they did a study. Six of the seven astronauts, the first astronauts, the best they call them, the best of the best, remember that movie? They were the best of the best, out of any of them. It was called the right stuff.
Starting point is 00:33:53 Now, best of the best they call them. Best of the call, Maverick and Goose. Best of the best. No, that's not what the best of the best astronauts. Best of the best, it's with a B. It's, I love that we're going from the six out of seven only children. Why? Because they tried. The nerds. They're fine. Nerds. You know, who's nerd? No one nerd is every musician. Every rock star is a fucking
Starting point is 00:34:16 nerd. Every rock star is a nerd that was in his room listening to music and playing an instrument and playing the clarinet in the piano and now they're fucking millionaires banging broads. I'd rather have that than some fucking red socks fan every so the bads don't know every sports players and nerd too. They're nerds. They're n nerds. I'd love for my kid to be a fucking nerd. Look at them. Look at them. That's Greg Roguel. Look at Alan Shepherd. That's Roguel. Only, only, Joe. That's, if Lenny Marcus and Greg had a baby, that would sort of be, listen, that, so which one, which one had siblings?
Starting point is 00:34:53 I'm saying Neil Armstrong. Yeah, it's not, I'm not, we're not going to get into it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not who the, which ones were. The, what I'm saying is that, by the way, I like that that was a study. They had to do a study. I made that. They couldn't have just said that. That's all thing is like, I don't even know if that's real. Bunsen burners and do a study. I made that. They couldn't have just seen it. That's all I think is.
Starting point is 00:35:05 Like, I don't even know if that's real. Bonson burners and shit. They're like, oh, it doesn't make brother. Type in only children if it's bad. Well, does that mean they're lonely people that don't mind the void of space? Is that what's, is that a factor? Well, that probably has something
Starting point is 00:35:17 that they don't have, they're not needy. And they also grow up with adults, so they're more mature. So they're, you know, my kid will sit and watch You know, we yesterday we were watching this first 48 No, we were watching This music show about music and there was a you know something he wouldn't be into if he was a regular four-year-old He wants to watch you know go, gobbah gobbah or some fucking, you know, Disney movie.
Starting point is 00:35:47 Other moons. We sat there and we just watched this music thing and it was some music and he was rocking out and they just mature. I believe, you know, he's a cooler kid because he hangs out with adults a lot. You know, if he's out with a bunch of kids, he's being a fucking idiot, playing in dirt. We had a blast and we went, we went, we went, we went, we went, dude, he's a kid too. He's, he's, both. We went, we went for a hike in the rain in the woods
Starting point is 00:36:10 and we were finding little salamanders and, and he was like, can this be my little brother? Oh, fucking Christ. That's why he got sick. He was hiking in the rain. He was sick before that. Follow the thread, okay? You took your sick kid hiking in the rain.
Starting point is 00:36:26 He was done being sick by the time I took him. You don't get sick. I thought he was sick at the wedding. Would you act like real? I know a second. The doctor wants to say something. Excuse me. You don't get sick from being outside.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Thank you. Famous only children include FDR. Don't get mad at me. I don't know what I'm sorry. FDR, I'm strong. Lying piece of garbage. And Elvis. What?
Starting point is 00:36:44 Elvis. Elvis? Elvis. Elvis, dieted of an overdose on a toilet. Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra. And sociopath. Peace is shit. Please, not. Buddy, they're all fucking, look it.
Starting point is 00:36:53 They're all only children and they're billionaires. They're the top of the top. Frank Sinatra. Elvis. I don't think Armstrong's a billionaire anymore. Well, he buddies, one of the fucking first astronauts. Lance Armstrong. I mean, I mean, Three times is like a put his one of the fucking first astronauts. Lance Armstrong. Only children have three times as like a developed special power of X-ray vision.
Starting point is 00:37:09 I'm making me dumb. I rubble for people. Mark Marin. Mark Marin. It's your website. A way more popular podcast than this. Only child. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:20 I'm leaving this to my son. It's his legacy. Very popular guy in the comedy scenes. Dude, I'm telling you. What do you mean by that? I don't know, I'm just joking. Oh. Yeah, having an only child is okay.
Starting point is 00:37:32 You don't have to have two. People have two kids. Oh, you're gonna have another one. He has to have a friend. You know what he has? He can make friends. And then fucking leave them, because friends suck. Oh, did you ever hear the friends are God apologizing
Starting point is 00:37:47 for your family? No, because my friends, you know what, friends are assholes. And you know what family has? That friends don't obligation to take care of you no matter what, because they're family. A friend can tell you to go fuck yourself and maybe retweet, to go fund me if you're in trouble.
Starting point is 00:38:05 Sounds like that's not a real friend. Yeah, well, I mean Tiger Woods. Boom, another one. Yeah, I mean, I'm a Shaqese, James Ryan. James Dean. If you get a brother, you wouldn't have died in a car accident. James Dean. Buddy, I don't care if he dies young as long as he dies a millionaire.
Starting point is 00:38:21 Okay. And I get some of that cash. Oh, it's great. No, he's of that cash. Oh, it's great. No, he's, I'm kidding. Yeah, he's gonna be fine. We should stop Googling it because it really is making it sound like a nightmare. Yeah, it's, what I'm saying to you, dude,
Starting point is 00:38:33 is that you're about to get married. Yes. Soon. And this week, this weekend. Is it this, not this week? Well, this is gonna come out on Monday. Oh, God, yes. He's fucking panicked to me.
Starting point is 00:38:44 What do I, I don't understand. You know, you're in the wedding. There's only three people in the wedding. You're one of them. Who's the other people? My friend Derek. Yep. Sarah's sister.
Starting point is 00:38:54 How many people said no before you went to me? Don't ask that, Bobby. I wanna know. What do you do? Sarah's sister. Are you in the bridal part? I don't know what I'm doing. We're gonna find that out. He said I'm in the wedding. I don't know. Sorry, sister. Are you in the bridal part? I don't know what I'm doing. We're gonna find that out. He said I'm in the wedding.
Starting point is 00:39:05 I don't know what that means. Don't yell over Scopus one good line a week. A week? Six months. It's not anymore. It's not anymore. I replaced them with a very bad blood. With me and Scopo?
Starting point is 00:39:18 Yeah. I love Scopo. No, no, I love this kid. I'm not boring. Yeah, you're the only guy. You're the first and only guy we asked and you're in buddy You asked somebody else before me and they said no, you didn't answer. I didn't soda He's gonna be up there. Do it. Lewis. Yeah, you take this girl. That's what I'm gonna do
Starting point is 00:39:37 Don't lose given a speech at your wedding Lewis should never be allowed a microphone at any wedding or comedy show ever Are you marrying them? You're the marry you're the guy dude. You're the fuck You gotta get it go online first of all the fact that you don't know this is killing me It's five days from now. Oh my god. Yeah, you gotta get a row a cloak and dagger You gotta get a tux a cloak. What are we solving a crime? Someone being murdered at you wedding. Why do I have to get a cloak and dagger? What's a cloak and dagger exactly, by the way?
Starting point is 00:40:07 It's a cloak that goes over. You're gonna dagger something you stab somebody with. So what does that do with murder? I thought that's what it was, and then you said it, like I said, step the scope and microscope. I can't say the word stessoscope. That's it. That's in the wedding vow.
Starting point is 00:40:20 Oh, you fucked. Buddy, I really need to know what, I don't understand what you have in me do. You're going to stand up there at the stand up. He's really marrying you. Yes, you're the guy, dude. Can you, can you legally marry them? Yes.
Starting point is 00:40:37 Don't, that doesn't matter. We're going to, it's going to, the whole thing is a hoax. Marriages of bullshit. We're already going to come in married or leave, because we haven't got our fucking license yet, because the state sucks. So we go in and then you say some business. This is like doing a roast. There's a microphone.
Starting point is 00:40:52 No, don't roast. I don't, so you don't want funny. I want funny, it's sweet. I want you to be you. You're funny, you're sweet, you're thoughtful. Don't do the other part of you where you're confrontational and shitty. And you're gonna cry cry you might tear up a
Starting point is 00:41:06 little bit no I want everyone else to tear up you're gonna tear us up people well I'm gonna have to get a lot of info from you in the next couple days Sarah Tallahmash we don't want any god involved so keep your god business out of it oh god I mean I'm not gonna what do mean god I'm not gonna bring a God into it. Well some people do We want no God. It's gonna be bring I'm gonna come in a burger That'd be nice to the guests listen you want me to marry you and your wife in front of how many people? It's a
Starting point is 00:41:42 113 counting us and then you so if you count yourself and us, you can't make it. There's a thing that's not get scope on there. I mean, I deliver his mail. It's that was nice guy about it. Nothing. No, you didn't. You texted and said, come over and get your mail. It's blocked. I brought it to you. You did that time. That was really sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I was just what that was that that was Bobby Esk. What is that me? A bully? Yeah. Not a bully thing. Stop calling me a bully. I'm not of it. What, that was that, that was Bobby Esk. What, is that me? Is that really me? I'm not a bully thing. Stop calling me a bully.
Starting point is 00:42:07 I'm not a bully. I'm saying you're bully. You used to wear a bully. Listen, you've never been bullied. I've been bullied. I had my money taken away. I've been forced to do things I didn't want to do. That's bullying.
Starting point is 00:42:19 Telling you to go fuck yourself because you're an asshole is not being a bully. Sometimes you shout. Fuck you I do. You look great. Thanks. Here's what you're an asshole is not being a bully. Sometimes you shout. Fuck you I do. You look great. He's gonna do it. We have some, maybe a Google some of the things. I've been cloaked and daggered. Not cloaked and dagger you fag.
Starting point is 00:42:34 You got a Google, the things you say. You got wedding vows. Generic wedding vows. And we got a couple pages of a page. You got yelder. She actually Googled what you're supposed to Google. Wed to Google wedding thousands of Spanish would like it to be in Spanish I'm not fucking Jewish one. Oh, no, what are you kidding? I Jewish you're not a Jew buddy. They're not Jewish Can I tell you something? I don't I'm very nervous about this. I don't want to ruin you wedding
Starting point is 00:43:00 And no god in there though. Are there comics coming? How many comics? Oh God. Like 25, 30. I'm gonna be judged on this now. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, you're gonna be. That's the one thing that sucks about this business.
Starting point is 00:43:14 You do something and you get judged. And if all prevents you is coming to take photos. Ooh, Phil prevents you. Oh Phil. Oh, you got the best of the bus here. Oh yeah. Oh, I think what's her name's good too. Mindy. Mindy. Yeah, love Mindy. I love I got the bus of the bus here. Oh, yeah. I think what's her name's good to many talking love. Many love many love many love and both.
Starting point is 00:43:28 Can I love them both? I should have many to that if you love them both. I don't think that would work out. How to write what it don't do that 600 wedding vows to see a we want you to 600 of them. He's not doing vows. He's marrying you. Well, whatever it's called.
Starting point is 00:43:42 I don't know what's all right. Here's what I'm going to say. Hey, I think that's what everybody. called. All right, here's what I'm for that. Yeah, you gotta get it online. You can do that. You're fine. Don't worry. It doesn't count. I know.
Starting point is 00:44:09 Listen, I'm gonna get, we're gonna make it. And this doesn't count. Why do you need me? Why, so I'm gonna go up. So our date. Somebody has to say things. We can't just go. Okay, so I'm gonna go up.
Starting point is 00:44:20 I'm gonna be like, we're here to join these two in marriage. These two great people. There you go. This is great. Do you take Joe to be your husband? I think you're missing a lot of stuff. Shut up, let me work this out. We're gonna add to it.
Starting point is 00:44:33 Do you take Joe to be your husband for life and death, whether he's more famous than you or not? That's fun. Through sickness and in roast battles. Yeah. That's a good one. Herpes put that in there, that'll kill. But like her parents are there too.
Starting point is 00:44:47 They paid for it. We got to make it. Should I say her, can I say herpes? Do they know? No, no herpes. No herpes. Do they know about the herpes? Her parents, they probably don't know.
Starting point is 00:44:58 Wow. They've never listened to one of your podcasts. What a cop not. She's the first. Can I do with the worm sack? Yes, worm sack, Joe. And you get Jeez, can I do with the worm sack? Yes, worm sack Joe and... Can I say, can I say, do you marry this guy? Signus in the health with bad teeth at all?
Starting point is 00:45:15 No, that's just me. I was kind of sad you said it now. I'm just going to get ordained. He's going to close through all this stuff. Oh my God. When I was a real man, I had to do that. Don't worry about a house. You got to submit a tape. It's all you have to do Fine now. How to no, but we don't want that we want things to say things a priest says or something like that. What do you call it? Fucking dress that it was marriage vows marriage vows. Yeah, but marriage vows
Starting point is 00:45:43 Yes, because we don't want to write our own vows. Yeah, just standard marriage vows. Marriage vows. Yeah, but marriage vows. Yes, because we don't want to write our own vows. Yeah, just standard marriage vows. So, so what's an immigrant's sour? What? To. Tollama. Tollama. Tollama.
Starting point is 00:45:54 So, now is she okay with this? Yeah, I think so. Oh, no. I didn't really ask her. Why the fuck when you asked her? I asked her, I said, I think Bobby would be great. He's a spiritual guy. Sweet guy, he's thoughtful.
Starting point is 00:46:06 Plus he's big and fat and kind of does, you know, he commands, you don't need a microphone either. No, that hurt. I've heard that you're losing the weight. We wanted you to be big and weird. Well, like a fucking Samoan. You want to get married in Maui? Why are you down playing?
Starting point is 00:46:19 How good you look? I don't look like a damn plane at it. Because the last month, and when I was in Belgium, I was off the rails, okay? I came back, I got my shit together for a couple days, went to Montreal, and in white mountains, off the fucking, I was on a... What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:46:37 I was on a fucking mission. Whatever the fuck was in front of me, I was eating chips. So, how long has it been since I've seen you? Because you look like a strong guy now. Maybe because my sleeves are shorter. I don't know, you look like... Everyone agree, we all agree, you look thin. Working out a little bit?
Starting point is 00:46:55 No, I was hiking a lot. I mean, in the mountains, you're always moving. And I have a four-year-old, which you never stop moving. So maybe I didn't get as fat as I did, but I got fat. I mean, let me tell you something. I'm not even joking about this. Is that I had a, I don't know if it was a moment of clarity, a moment, I don't know what a bottom, I don't know what it was, but something happened up in the mountains. When I was five-f fishing, I was by myself on a river and I was just... Everything opened up as far as my faults about myself.
Starting point is 00:47:41 Not about everybody else. All my shit was very clear to me. I don't know if it's because I haven't been to therapy in three weeks. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I saw all this shit, and I was like, wow, I am just a really, and this is being brutally honest.
Starting point is 00:47:59 I don't care what hits I'm gonna get or whatever the fuck, I am a brutally insecure sensitive Guy shit bothers me so much and the eating and The food and the anger is a result of the the the fucking the result of the fucking sensitivity I have towards people.
Starting point is 00:48:31 And it all comes from being a kid. It all comes from my childhood that I've taken into my adult life, but I've learned to protect myself with certain things from people. That's why it doesn't make sense to me when people say things to me and I'm like, yeah, but you did this. In my head, it's like, oh, shit. You know, I'll tell you a given example. I remember I did the festival and I had such a great time. I love Irish affair. Love the guy. I mean, all they do is promote how I just, he just just he's a friend of mine. I consider him a friend of mine And I just love that his the way he lives his life I think is there's parts of it that are you should take and be like that's that's a good thing to have and we did the thing
Starting point is 00:49:17 We were camping we did the nasty show together Just I did a podcast. I mean just really you know promoted a specials out and really and then when I leave I was like, well, I did a podcast of, I mean, just really, you know, promoted a special out and really. And then when I leave, I was like, well, that was a great time. I had such a, and I love Jimmy Car and me and big J talked and Yamaneek and, and Aryan. And then I leave and they put a photo up. And it was on Aryan's thing. And it was all the cast and David Tell filled in my shoes at the National. And it said, the nasty show just got 40% better now that Robert Kelly's not here. Yeah. And I was like, wow.
Starting point is 00:49:47 I know that the joke. I know that the joke, but it hurt. Yeah, I already don't stop like I was like, wow, man, that fucking, I just spent fucking two weeks just promoting the every radio show I did, but like you are a fuck. This guy's the, he is the, all my, one of my favorite, and then just fucking whack. You know, he's saying he's a bad guy. No, he's a great guy, and it was a joke,
Starting point is 00:50:11 but me personally, I was like, wow, dude, you're a fucking sensitive little fucking kid. Yeah, Aari does stuff like that, but conversely, if that's the right word, I'm looking at Instagram, and I'm jealous, and my God, that looks like so much fun. And then there's a video of Aari walking off off stage you slapping the balls and run off each other If you did that to me, I would be like yeah, what the fuck? We're friends you fucking physically hurt me. Yeah, I would never want to do someone shit on me then fucking
Starting point is 00:50:37 I'll never talk to you again. Are you insane? That's your punchline? You fucking physically hurt me Yeah, we're gonna get the video him smack me on the nuts after that on stage. No, I feel like he came out as he took me off That one he came out and racked me in the nuts. I fell and rolled into the band Right, but I have 1500 people and the whole placement Oh, and it was bad. No, I'm sorry that was already too. But I'm not going to be able to. It's pissed on five guys face. No, you take, you know, to me, this is what you're making.
Starting point is 00:51:10 I would every friends of you making this, you're making this the wrong thing. It's not him. But he said was funny and it was a joke and it's between friends. It's me. What's up between friends? It's between a million people following him. I exactly, but it's me.
Starting point is 00:51:24 I'm a, I was like, why did that bother me? Like that shouldn't bother you ever. It's a fucking, even if it was true, it's not, it's not true. I know it's not true. I know how funny I am, but it's, would it tell replace you? No, he just, they, they added to the show, but I get the whole thing, but it's like, wow, did you're a sensitive guy? And I usually that shit doesn't bother me. I go, I go fuck yourself, fuck you, you fucking cunt or whatever.
Starting point is 00:51:50 And you move on, but I was sitting on a river and I'm sitting on, wow, I'm a fucking that, that, why does that, why does that not taste right? I think it could bother you though. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't bother you. Well, it shouldn't, well, it shouldn't bother you for two things. I know Ari and he's a friend of mine and he wouldn't do anything to maliciously fucking be a dick to me.
Starting point is 00:52:10 He wouldn't, if he didn't like me, we wouldn't talk. It'd be like, go fuck yourself. It's a joke, it's just a thing. But when it bothers you, it's like, why? That's just, it's like, oh, dude, you're a little sensitive guy inside. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:52:22 Which I pretend not to be. But you are, I think we all, I mean, at least I am. I'm admitting that everybody is though. Every comic is sensitive. Some people aren't. Some people, I don't know. Maybe you're right, but I'm just speaking for myself, where shit like that happens all day long, you know, on Twitter, there's a million things, there's a million threads, there's a million comments, there's a million things said to fucking hurt your feelings. Whether it be in a funny way or a fuck you way, constantly in this thing that we do, you're constantly getting your fucking feelings hurt. And you either have to laugh at it or feel it and then deal with that, whatever that emotion is. And usually I never see clarity on that shit.
Starting point is 00:53:15 I usually just get mad or I'm in a fucking shitty mood or I'm like fucking whatever, grumpy or country. But I was like, oh, I'm feeling, so it was like, I understood that, I don't know how to make this make sense. I understood that that was my fault. Like, it's all right. You can feel whatever the fuck you feel about it, but you don't have to be a cut to your wife about it.
Starting point is 00:53:35 You don't have to be snappy to the next person about it. You know, whoever says something to me, it's shut the fuck up. What? Why would you say? You know, it just, if I just was aware of it. And it was like, almost like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit.
Starting point is 00:53:49 I'm a sensitive fucking pussy. Good. I don't give a shit. That I'm a sensitive fucking pussy. Some things I don't that I meant to be jokes fucking affect my fucking feelings. And I get fucking bummed out over it. And I'll, I'll fucking work it out.
Starting point is 00:54:05 But then and some stuff I'll laugh at, you know, because it's, you know, it just sucks because I think before with the way we are now, you just constantly bombarded with what people think you like, okay, like this wedding, I'm going to be judged. Like we did the roast, the rich boss roast, right? I thought it was just a fucking great night. I thought it was so everybody did great. I really was like in a such a... Awesome.
Starting point is 00:54:33 Right, until I went outside and then I just heard people picking it apart. Just I thought, I thought, oh he really killed. Oh he, it's like, can you guys, can anybody just fucking enjoy something? Like, do we have to have an opinion about every, do we have to be fucking hyper critical about everything to where, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:54:59 It's just like, everyone fuck. Everyone, they wanna pick it apart because it's fun for them. But what are they saying to you? I overheard. What was it me? It wasn't even me. I wasn't being taken apart.
Starting point is 00:55:09 I wasn't like I was being, oh, Bobby was the best or Bobby was good. It was like, I thought he was the best. Like, look at anybody you know when they go to your show or they go to even this podcast, this podcast, people are going, I think Joe is the best. No, I like, I like Jason was good. Bobby was fucking, oh, Bobby made some really good points. Bobby talked to, they just fucking shredded. Everything's a contest.
Starting point is 00:55:33 Everything's a critical. Everything's cremated. I mean, to some degree, I mean, that's what you're creating art and you're putting it out there and that's the consumer's job. And if you're just overhearing it, it's like we say in some circles how people feel about you as none of your business.
Starting point is 00:55:50 That's just, so you have to just go, they're not, if someone walks up and he goes, Bobby, you're the worst set. That guy's a piece of garbage. But if you overhear someone going, hey, I thought someone's so, it was the funniest of the night. Right.
Starting point is 00:56:00 That is hard to take, because they're just, that's how their opinion you're overhearing it. Which is why it's always a dickhead thing when people go, hey, you know what, somebody said this about you, and you're like, well, that's not even my business, and now you're just trying to hurt me.
Starting point is 00:56:11 Yeah, if it's not a compliment, don't tell me. Yeah, it's like, what the fuck, man. But it is, that. But it's almost like defends, too, like, the internet goes, what's the matter? You only want to hear good things? Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:23 Yeah, I think I do. I think. But it is, and it's an oddly natural thing. You go to see a movie. You're like, that movie was great. I like this previous movie better. And I was in a, this like our new warehouse down in Long Island city yesterday, yesterday, two days ago. Are you asking? I was, it was two days ago. I drank a lot the last two days. it's confusing the time lines are messed up But I a neighbor of mine I happen to notice a piece of her art, you know This is you know five miles away from where we live
Starting point is 00:56:53 Yeah, and it was a girl sitting on the ground writing in a notebook and she's stared at it And then I made some comment like oh, that's my neighbors thing and she's like she's like this is like the most amazing piece of I've ever seen in my life. She's like, I've been taking notes on it for an hour. She's like, if you could, you know, maybe put me in touch with the artist. So I texted the girl, like, hey, this girl's that like your thing. If you, you know, can I give you your email or whatever? And she's like, you just made my year.
Starting point is 00:57:17 This felt so, you know, it's just, it felt good to, to make, to connect this girl with the artist she liked and to have an artist have all this love and things that you normally don't hear. Yeah, you can literally make, you can affect a bunch of people's day from complimenting one that one person because everybody she talks to that day is affected by her attitude.
Starting point is 00:57:41 Yes. So you're literally changing a lot of people's lives for moments. It's also the opposite, too. It's the opposite when you hear something f**king up. Are they tweeted right at you? You all of a sudden it's like, your wife walks in, hey, we're gonna have, I don't know what we're gonna have. Just have dinner.
Starting point is 00:58:00 All right, I was just asked, then Max, my, what Max? And it is that dog, you know kick in the dog thing It's cliche, but it's true You know where you know, you know someone can compliment somebody even even to this point where it's like we do this show And they'd be like oh dude Joe was so funny on your podcast. Yeah, he was I was funny too. I was I Why the fuck you know what I mean? It's like, you know, there was a comic from England came into the nasty show and he walked in after the show. No, Jimmy Car was here.
Starting point is 00:58:34 I think it was Jimmy Car's friend, who Jimmy Car is the nicest guy in the world, by the way. Yeah. And comes in and he walks in at the end, he goes, I liked you, I liked him and I liked him. The comics at that? Yeah, so English comic. He's a douche then.
Starting point is 00:58:48 It's like, I almost said something to him, like you shut the fuck up. Are you a fuck, who the fuck does that? He's not a comic, though, he's a fan. No, he was a comic from England. If he comes in for cheating people, saying I like you and you. Look, I know that we're, you know, I get it,
Starting point is 00:59:04 but keep your fucking head shut, you know, shut your face. But the point is, is that to realize, you know, I'm a guy, I'm a man, you know, whatever. And to say, you know, somebody can hurt your feelings with a fucking Instagram fucking thing thing is a silly thing to say I mean you're supposed to go fuck that I have fucking who gives a shit which I did You know I dealt with it, but it was interesting to me that I actually took the fucking time and breathe it in and felt it and it didn't feel good You know what I mean like I I didn't fucking
Starting point is 00:59:43 Barrier or ignore it or fuck that or fuck him or call him up or go fuck or tweet something. Oh, this fucking thing is, you know, my hike is 60% better than now that you're not here. You're fucking piece of shit. That'll be good. No, it's fucking a cunt. You know what I mean? You should have tweeted that one.
Starting point is 00:59:59 Right. Exactly, but it's like, okay, I can do that. But I, and it's funny blah blah blah. But just for that moment, I felt that whatever the fuck it was. Because we're so, I think we're so trying not to feel bad ever. You're gonna feel that. I think you have to feel bad. Gotta feel.
Starting point is 01:00:21 You gotta feel the bad. We so, I don't wanna feel any bad to feel the bad we show I don't want to feel any bad Yeah, but You should need the subtle order of not giving a fuck scope. Oh don't even with me with that book You such a piece of shit right now. I literally hate life. Why? Because I'm the one that told them about that book. I'm the one that told them to read it for months This is called ego and now yeah, he's offering that book to you Yeah, who told you that book? to read it for months. This is called ego. And now he's offering that book to you. Yeah, who told you that book?
Starting point is 01:00:48 I found it myself. Really? Yeah, this is your ego. Why does that matter? That you should be happy. I told you not to ever talk about that. It's always a weird quality. And I have it too where someone's like, oh man, I just went and saw fucking, you know,
Starting point is 01:01:01 perl... I told you about perl, you're like, yeah, I like it now. No, it's a really good book.. You feel good about your book recommendation. It'll change your mind when you're dumb. Well, I actually, sure, Cove, Cove. Hey,
Starting point is 01:01:13 you're worm balls. You don't have to see them unless you want to. Sure, Cove, tell me about that book. And I read, I did read did read about but I think There's something about giving a fuck What you want to give it fuck yeah, you did the little shit the little figure Are you really on your period about to be Tits are gonna swell up. I just think that feel that moment of instead of you know women
Starting point is 01:01:43 I said I've ignoring it I felt it and I was like oh I know I was feeling something when I read it and I was like oh shit What is that and I felt it? Oh? I'm a fucking little insecure little dude and that was like yeah that did I was hoping that he would you know It feels great when somebody fucking says something nice about you Mm-hmm, and it's wow, especially for your friends, who you love, and we never do that. Very rarely do we fucking say something nice about each other.
Starting point is 01:02:15 It's always trying to be funny or whatever, just because of the business we're in. We have to go for the funny. I leave you nice messages all the time, buddy. Yeah, but with the fucking, do you hate me? Where are you? How can you call me? You're always busy. All right, I'll talk to you all the time, buddy. Yeah, but with the fucking, do you hate me? Where are you? How can you call me? You're always busy.
Starting point is 01:02:27 All right, I'll talk to you later. I'm gay. So I don't know. It's a pretty solid, jolless message. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I should be the wedding vows.
Starting point is 01:02:36 But this is a problem too, and I talked about this with Alan, where all you want in your life is approval and love and like, hey, you're great. Yeah. But then when you're getting it, you're never more uncomfortable. My girlfriend can't take a compliment. I'm like, you know, she's like, hey, you're great, but then when you're getting it, you're never more uncomfortable. My girlfriend can't take a compliment. I'm like, she's like, oh, you never tell me? I'm like, you're looking nice, no, I don't. And like, it's like, now you're making me not want
Starting point is 01:02:53 to tell you a positive thing. It's hard, it's like, it's all I've ever wanted, but my least favorite part of all of comedy is standing outside after the show, and people go, you're great. And I go, I can't wait for this to end. But it's all I want. And then when I get it, I don't enjoy it.
Starting point is 01:03:06 Yeah. It's fucking me. Look, me and my wife had a big heart to heart, which, you know, you have to do every once in a while with your, your chick. You have to have these heart. We had a heart to fucking heart. We had a fart to fart.
Starting point is 01:03:21 We're trying to fart into Jillian's assholes. She actually farted yesterday in the way home. It was, I was sitting there. I was like, well, he was raining out. Just started raining out and we're in the mountains. I'm like, you smell that? That's like the munch. She was, yeah, I just let one loose.
Starting point is 01:03:34 It was just her musty asshole. That's great. Oh, but, yeah, we had a heart to heart. We had a, we had a, a fucking real heart to heart about what the, I don't know what's going on sometimes with, you know, you married almost 10 years. We've been together for 20. Wow.
Starting point is 01:03:52 And it's like, what the fuck is happening? Like, I don't know what's happening sometimes. Like, I don't know where the, you know, and I get it, you get it from all, every fucking angle. You're just getting smashed. I get it, you get it from all every fucking angle. You're just getting smashed. You're just getting fucking annihilated. You felt the wagon, buddy? No, no, I didn't, but it actually,
Starting point is 01:04:14 I would think a dry, not a dry drunk, but a moment of like, hey man, you gotta get back to basics, the things that make you feel good, you always wind up stop, you stop doing them once you feel good. Right. You know, you don't feel good. You feel like shit, you're good, you always wind up stop, you stop doing them once you feel good. Right. You know, you don't feel good. You feel like shit, you're insecure, you're sad,
Starting point is 01:04:29 you love all the shit, depressed, and then you have to hit a bottom and you start to do things and do these, you know, whatever you do to make yourself feel better. And then you feel great again and things are okay in the world and then you stop doing those things
Starting point is 01:04:44 because you don't need them right now You can just enjoy it and then It slowly fades away. It's not like her fart and you're back at the bottom. I wish it had a sound It didn't have a sound which makes me who's fucking you in the ass. That's how paranoid I am You getting fucked in the ass now because your farts make no sound. That's BD. What's that plan? But deadly oh boy How do I knock that one? the ass now because you're far to make no sound. SPD. What's that? Plan for deadly. Oh boy. How do I knock that one?
Starting point is 01:05:07 Nice. Great eyebrows. Thanks buddy. Penal myself. I should call Ari right now and tell him he hurt my feelings. Yeah, do it. He's probably going to tell me to go fuck a diopher bridge. Yeah, but he does do that.
Starting point is 01:05:18 He threw a piss in a guy's face. Why would he do that? I'm like if he threw a piss in my face, we are not friends anymore. Did they fix up? No, I can't plug this anywhere. I'm sitting on thumbtacks, too. We're in Amica. What?
Starting point is 01:05:30 See if we can... Oh. What did it go through? Can that go through? No, because I don't have a plug. I've wanted to test that before the show. Yeah. Can you call them on the phone?
Starting point is 01:05:41 I can call them on the phone. I was not yelling right now. That's a little... What? You're getting better. What are you talking about? If that was me, I didn't the phone. All right, call him on the phone. I was not yelling right now. That's a little, you're getting better. What are you talking about? If that was me, I'd test it. What? I wouldn't scream that. Well, me and Lauren talk more.
Starting point is 01:05:53 They listen, I don't know what you're trying to do here, but just back up, anyway. All right, I'm trying to be like, what the fuck? You want back in? No, not at all. Sure. Yeah, I'm positive. No, I'm positive.
Starting point is 01:06:04 I mean, do you call on them? You got the number, don't all. Sure? Yeah, positive. You need it. No, I mean, you calling them? You got the number, don't put the number on camera, please. All right, there he comes. Ari, this is Robert Kelly, your live on the YKWD podcast. This is uncalled for. This is a regular. Yep. Yeah, I have to talk to you about something. Get a real phone, by the way, it sounds like shit. Well, he's got a flip phone Let's just think Here's a flip phone. Where are you right now your your apartment? You're in a In the bathroom it sounds like it's echoey. All right. Are you any more every morning fucking
Starting point is 01:06:43 Out you're welcome. He has it out here. Got him out there. Back here. Yeah, it's gonna back here. So Ari, you know, you know, you're one of my, you're one of my, you're a friend of mine. Right. Thank you for finally making that.
Starting point is 01:06:58 No, I'm trying to get you to say that and now I'm one cry. You're one, I mean, I can say to you one of my friends, I have a very short list of friends and you're one of my friends. You're one, I mean, I consider you one of my friends. I have a very short list of friends and you're one of them. Thank you. And then, you know, we spent the, we were camping together, we were up in the Montreal doing the nasty show together. And I, I mean, it was a great time. I had such a fucking awesome time.
Starting point is 01:07:18 And I, but I gotta, I gotta tell you something. I went out to the mountains with my family and I was out there camping. And I was, you know, having a great family and I was out there camping and I was you know having a great time and I was reflecting on what a great week I had and what to all these people. And then I happened to go on Instagram and I saw the photo of you and all the people from the nasty show and I read the cat and I was like, oh that's awesome and then I read the caption and it said
Starting point is 01:07:45 the nasty showed just got forty percent better now that robber kelly's gone uh... that's the evil that way later and i'll write away as i said the way later make it hurt even more it but i i i i'm trying to tell these guys i had to realize something that it really really hurt my feelings ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, because I spent, I think like two weeks just telling people how great you are, retweeting your fucking, you know, your Netflix special and try to use,
Starting point is 01:08:22 you know, promoting as much as i could just how great you are and then when i saw that i was a godless and that's great and then i was sent it was like oh shit he just told he just told hundreds of thousands of people that i am forty percent shittier than the rest of these people in the show and i was i was no i mean as a person
Starting point is 01:08:44 not as a comedian no no i mean as a person uh... not as a comedian no no no i didn't mean comedy and then as a person as a human being what percentage worse if he has a comedian what percentage as a as a comedian i'm at the show is uh... trading you for david tell i'd say and overall the six person show throughout david held did a show got 6% better
Starting point is 01:09:09 Well, I mean I'm serious up to be honest you though. It really did kind of hurt me and I I realized Like it's not you you're being funny. You're you know blah blah blah and I I love you of course But I was like wow. I'm just a sensitive little boy. I mean clearly when I'm like something like that because I'll tell you why because if you had said I had such a great time with fucking Robert Kelly what a fucking funny great guy it's sad to see him go that would have made me feel amazing like Like I would have been like, wow, that was fucking, what a, he just put me over with all his people. And I feel great, right?
Starting point is 01:09:52 But generally not my way. Oh, what do you know, he's. Ha, ha, ha. That's why I do, it's just a picture I got. It seems like a picture. So like, that was like, what is this, what is this, the picture I'm gonna show you? And I'm like, oh, what was that here?
Starting point is 01:10:04 I gotta get here and mention no I know I know it's like to be a few since that we really want you want to know no it's it's absolutely you're listen I'm trying to say that it's absolutely my shit like it's me being a sensitive little boy like I'm admitting that it's not you you know, you're going for the funny, right? Yeah, and I realized that I'm just a sensitive like wow that fucking hurt my feelings Did he get a lot of likes at least? Oh, yeah, I mean I
Starting point is 01:10:40 Just like to five minutes ago I just liked it five minutes ago. And the first time I saw the insta, we clicked on the insta, no. Oh, yeah, if you click on the button, that says, insights, that's on the picture, it tells you how many people saw it,
Starting point is 01:10:56 how many people liked it, how many unique people saw it, like a few saw five times, it's just like one unique person and everything was most of the people like it would like to become itself and architecture what is it what do you what do you say picture
Starting point is 01:11:14 oh yeah yeah oh you try not to be a little like you lorraine just showed me again but she slowly turned it towards me like to fucking make me sad all over again i i just think it was a i look, of course I still love you and, you know, uh, I, but it was just a, a realization to me because usually I'd be like, ah, fuck you, you fucking cunt.
Starting point is 01:11:36 Right. You know, I'd write something back and be like, ah, fuck you. But I was like, you know what? I'm just going to feel this fucking shit. I'm just going to feel instead of retaliating with funny or, you know what? I'm just gonna feel this fucking shit. I'm just gonna feel, instead of retaliating with funny or a defense mechanism, another Instagram back at you or call you up and go, you're a con,
Starting point is 01:11:54 go fuck your mother. It's a Donald Trump right there. Seriously, right? Instead of going, I was like, I'm just gonna feel sad and I'm gonna call him and talk to him about it and tell him I was sad. Is that bad? What do you? How do you feel about that? That's weird. I mean, I heard you feeling, but not as fun I did. I'm happy. I wasn't
Starting point is 01:12:16 paying attention, but then it feels like I'm sort of weird joy. I don't know what to say. You have joy from making me sad? Yeah, I was unintentional. Now it's like you find out you know that lady you did it's kind of like all compare to the feeling where my dad uh... just went to old box they found all my uh... the u.s. bombs that got my but miss another very mature and it's like whoa so fucking i have all that now
Starting point is 01:12:42 i'm an expert i think I think I think that if if we weren't on the air right now, you'd be like, did I mean to hurt your feelings? I love you, buddy. Yeah, Bobby. And if it wasn't my get public fucking Instagram post, maybe I'd like to know. But why see now you're you're why it was because your fucking time your month was there. What does that mean? It means you're in a period. I mean, I'm calling you a woman and you're having a period. No, I think that I was in a very vulnerable position. Up to your fucking weight and a high weight. They're called waiters, not high waiters. But then it just waiters. Now see, now here, if I, if I called you up and said, go fuck you a fucking face, you
Starting point is 01:13:28 big dick fucking Jew bastard. Would that be better? Um, yeah. Alright, there you go. I don't know, I mean, I don't know. I would have expected honestly to see that in demand post and just like it. I did like it. I did like it. I did like it. I did not like it. I think I did like it. I'm just I'm just saying that I am at heart. I think of I'm I'm admitting at heart,
Starting point is 01:13:59 right? That I'm a pus. Sometimes. Sometimes. Did I like it? You didn't like it. I didn't. Oh, shit. I thought I liked it. Sounds like you didn't like it. Well, yeah.
Starting point is 01:14:12 Yeah. I'm just admitting that. Live on the air, I think it's okay to be a pus. Disagree. Why do you disagree? I mean, we made a different boss. We made a different boss. We made a different boss. Well, I mean, look, I'm from Boston. what do you disagree? well I mean look I'm from Boston but what do I most supposed to do fucking fight you? If I fight you I'm a
Starting point is 01:14:34 fucking asshole then you get Joe Rogan after me. Yeah that's what I'll do. That's what I'll do. Kidding it was that was a fucking joke you cut. Robert, could you? me, I'm like, that was a fucking joke, you cut. Are you sure? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just feel like that. And I'm not. I'm not.
Starting point is 01:14:52 Listen, right. I'm, I'm, I'm sure the moment to include you, otherwise it'd be like rude. I know. I'm trying. I'm, I'm not saying that what you did. I think what you did was funny and, and, and it was, uh, I think it was, uh, hilarious. I'm just saying on my end i would say that on my end
Starting point is 01:15:10 the fact that it bothered me i i fucking was like wow what the fuck what the fuck is that like i don't know i make you know what dude i was thinking about that it's not that i lost my it might be something that I lost some type of... You lost your Boston.
Starting point is 01:15:30 I don't know, it's like, I don't, you're sensitive to the needs of others. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's like it hit me all of a sudden. Maybe you're on vacation, you were having a meeting. I don't, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, fucking whatever. Uh, oh, it's always Ari, it's always been Ari. Ari, I don't, Ari, I, Ari, Ari, fucking whatever. Uh, always, Ari, always been Ari.
Starting point is 01:15:45 Ari, I don't, Ari, I don't know what it is. I'm just being, if I, I could, I'll let it fuck, a million of these, how many of these have I let go? How many things have been said that you let go and you just move the fuck on? You know what I mean? You just fucking, fuck it, move on, fuck it, say something back, fuck off, and then it's still there. I was like fuck it
Starting point is 01:16:05 I'm gonna what is what the fuck is that? I'm just gonna let it be what it is I'm gonna acknowledge the real deal and not retaliate not have a defense mechanism Not be a fucking angry fuck you back I'm just gonna take it for what it is and I'm gonna tell Iry this is what happened and maybe I maybe I am losing my edge Maybe and i'm gonna tell arey this is what happened and maybe i maybe i am losing my edge maybe i'm gonna ask a question yeah when you use your right that fuck you back uh... angry and i just like
Starting point is 01:16:30 casual joking back let me ask you a question have you has anybody ever said something to you jokingly that you got angry really at like it hurt your feelings and you like fuck off and you said so in a joking way back but in reality like that guys fucking, what the fuck was that? Yes, probably. Exactly.
Starting point is 01:16:48 Right? And you let it, it just goes away because the day he goes away and you forget about it. And the next time you see the person, you remember it, it's there, but you just, every time you see that person, it just goes away, it goes away. And all of a sudden, it's just never there. But it's still there, right? No, it goes away completely. I'm trying to remember it's just never there but it's still there right now goes away completely and I remember any of them right now I can't remember
Starting point is 01:17:09 here uh... i don't know what mark mark uh... norm the part of the park has to do the stories i've had a conan i did a conan o'boraian probably a television show is like television show and uh... he saw the clip
Starting point is 01:17:31 job fatty and i was like was i yeah you know i don't think about he just calls everyone fatty though yeah i can't believe that it's, exactly. It's a fucking joke. But it's, it's, like, he said something to Shuroud one night.
Starting point is 01:17:47 Shuroud choked him the fuck out, right? Normally. Well, he said, I said you can't choke me out. What's that? He said, I said, I said you can't choke me out. Oh, he said that. And then Shuroud choked him out. Yeah, I said I'm not sure I'll choke him out.
Starting point is 01:17:59 Is that what he, no, that's not what he says. Yeah. Oh, you fucking, that was the driest comedy ever. Fucking captain literal. Anyways, dude, I, I, I, maybe I am losing my edge. I, I don't know, here's the thing though. I, you know, I go from zero to 60. There's no really middle ground.
Starting point is 01:18:20 And 200 to 240. 240 is a fucking goblin met. If I could go a little higher, dude. You know, maybe I am. Maybe, maybe fucking with this kid and being married and getting older and being fat. I think maybe if I was shredded and I was fucking banging.
Starting point is 01:18:43 You got more confidence. I don't understand what I was talking about. You got more confidence. I don't understand what I was talking about though. So I'm just going, this guy is inferior to this guy is a bummer. That's not fun. I mean, he's joking, but like, you're not crazy to be like, oh, that hurts my feelings. If someone's like, yeah, he left and this guy go back and it's better.
Starting point is 01:18:58 Right. That's hurtful. It's not like you're a something sane person. That's a great time hanging out. Like clearly we have a good time. And also, like, there's not a joke that you can't be like the show got 20% worse because you're still trying to sell tickets and get people excited about it.
Starting point is 01:19:11 Where's the thing too is that I think because I was in my head, when I left, I was going over what a great time I had. Like when we went camping and fucking hanging out, we had such a, I think I am that, you know, I've been hanging out with fucking, since I was 10 fucking gangsters and fucking tough guys, and I was never that guy.
Starting point is 01:19:35 I got with, you know, really fucked up people my whole life. And then comics were all fucking fucked up people the way we trash each other. Our sense of humor is so Mean and vicious and fucked up and the fans we have are fucking me You know how many mean things that they say to you when they like dude. I was just joking It's like yeah, but you fucking set it my kids gonna grow up without a father Yeah, that's true and then I mean of course and when you know sitting there the media stands over not to do right, we don't know them. Right. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:20:05 That's true. And then, I mean, of course, when you, when I was sitting there, I think that had more to do. I think I'm just a, am I becoming a fucking old pussy? No. I don't think that I think you wanted to come that. You think I'm an old pussy? Well, I mean, I can't imagine getting my panties in any sort of bunch over there.
Starting point is 01:20:25 It wasn't like I had to call you. You know what I mean? It's like two weeks later, you still have to call it. You didn't call. No, I mean, like immediately and go, what the fuck was that? I know guys who've done that. Like I know guys in the business,
Starting point is 01:20:40 immediately somebody they read to, what the fuck are you saying about? What the fuck? You know what I mean? It wasn't like it was a realization of my end that I think I'm a sensitive little guy. What are you thinking about it? Is that for you, don't you think?
Starting point is 01:20:53 I think, I think what the conclusion that I came to is this, is that that was a funny, I know you, I know you're always funny, and you're always looking for say, to say something hilarious or whatever the cost is rarely do but always looking. Yeah, always looking and, you know, and, you know, and then I think it was a combination of things. I'm sitting there literally like, wow, what a great week and I love Irish affair man. What a great guy. sitting there literally like, wow, what a great week. And I love Irish affair man. What a great guy. You know, and I was being kind of emotional
Starting point is 01:21:27 about the whole week. And, you know, and I was like, ah, that's great. I, you know, was, you know, and then, and then I read that. I was like, ah, he, what the fuck was that? I was just fucking going over my head. I was, how awesome. What a great week. And he really doesn't fucking just count.
Starting point is 01:21:44 And I was like, I was immediately went to like Oh fuck you you fucking piece. I was like, you're just a sensitive You in the fuck you did I call my Jew? Yeah, fuck you fucking I was I don't maybe no, I didn't say Jew No, I didn't say anything up there. I didn't I didn't get racist See weren't that mad then I think I called him a cunt. It is funny that Ari went to savings bonds from Bar Mitzvah in this example. So I don't know, buddy.
Starting point is 01:22:14 Look, of course I love you and I know that it wasn't a thing where I was like, what the fuck? It's not like that anymore. What's my responsibility now? Now knowing you get so but hurt so easily? Yeah, I don't know Well, here's here's part of it too, I think also is that you you have a big reach So there's whatever a quarter of a million people listening at least 10,000 of those people probably go Oh, I guess I'll tell must be much better than day like Bobby I mean like some people do take the shit serious.
Starting point is 01:22:45 Like, sometimes, we've had this before, I'm plugging dates and you're like, oh, that club stinks. Some of the people are going, I guess, this works shitty rooms. Like, you're joking, but some of the people who take it is like, oh, maybe I already thinks Bobby sucks. Maybe I think he sucks. So there is part of it that like, we know you're joking,
Starting point is 01:23:03 but if you post like, ah, I had this blows and I'm like, well, some of the people are gonna be like, oh, I guess that guy sucks now. So that's what hired we know you're joking but you post like i had list blows and like well some of the people can be like i guess that guy sucks now so that's what i had sometimes with joking in front of audience that's why it's even better to bus balls with each other forty percent at so high i didn't say forty percent and percent i said ten percent ten percent i think she told i'm saying forty percent higher i'm saying to show up forty percent that clear exaggeration. Okay. Oh, it's pretty accurate.
Starting point is 01:23:26 I mean, if we were really going to, if we were going to, I mean, if you said 62, that's funny. What if I had been thinking to the median? 40 is pretty fucking on the money. If it was like, I was going to name a comic, but if it was a shitty comic, if it was a shitty comic, if it was a shit, oh, yeah, if it was like, yeah, if it was a shitty comic, it was a shitty comic. If it was a shit, oh, yeah, if it was like, yeah, if it was a shitty or comic and you said that'd be like, oh, that's hilarious, but it's literally a tell. You could have went 50 and people would be like, yeah,
Starting point is 01:23:54 that sounds right. The whole show, I don't know. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, like I always think Patrice had that great interview, I think it was the DJ guy and he was like, look man, it's your job to get me over. You know, people like, there's people that become famous because the industry wants them to be famous. Then there's the rest of us who get each other over.
Starting point is 01:24:18 And it's like, you called white guys. If you, if you tell all your people, you got to go see me. Like, you know, I'm sure in your career, there was somebody that said to their people, you gotta go see this guy, he's the best, and got you over. Right. And then what you did with that was, you know, you, right? You're undergrads, yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:42 Right, so in that respect, I mean, yeah, you're telling, you know, there's a certain percentage of people that are like, yeah, he fucking does suck. All right, I'm deleting a picture. No, no, don't do your count. Don't do your count. Delete your count. Take the account down and start over. All right.
Starting point is 01:25:01 Now, listen, you know, look, I fucking, you're my one of my favorite people on the planet, Ari. I'll say it. One of my favorite people on the planet and I mean from the second I met you, I thought you were just a great guy. And hilarious. You're new special Double negative Netflix right now Amazing, I mean, it's not as funny as like Chappelle's
Starting point is 01:25:31 Or Amy's but yours is good My reviews are double negative You could have done Hey, Ari come have a cigar with us. Yeah, come have a smoke. Where are you? We're at the comedy cellar and then you're gonna wrap up. Oh, I have a cigar. Should I come bring it? Yeah, bring your own. Yeah, bring your own. Put you fucking Bring my own weight. I'm gonna go for we'll be done by 530 We're going for we'll be done by 530
Starting point is 01:26:08 It's ten of yeah walk over there all right No, yes do that too. What is he doing? We're all bringing gloves to the my wedding why so we can throw the ball into the gloves It protects your hand from the baseball why why why I have to get a fucking I gotta get a you don't have to get a glove You just have to figure out how to fucking marry us you bag you got a I guess I'm saying fucking pussy how are you know that I'm getting a marion Joe right yeah I think that's gonna be it the best haha but the understand
Starting point is 01:26:38 I'm married somebody with Yamanika who married Aaron Berg his wife and federal park yeah and I thought about you, Mary and Joe, and Sarah, and I thought it's probably about 40% worth ceremony. That's fun. Wow. I thought it was good. Do you really think I should not do this, right? You should pull out the last one.
Starting point is 01:27:05 Yeah. I should definitely not do it. I mean, this is gonna be a nightmare. He's gonna regret this. We're all gonna regret this. No, they're gonna love it. Are you paying them? You don't pay somebody. It's an honor. He should be honored. Are you kidding me? I'd be honored if it was Colin Quinn. It was fucking Louis getting remarried it would be on it
Starting point is 01:27:26 This is that hurts. I'm kidding. I'm in theory to those guys. What percentage inferior 38? You're gonna call for me later Hey, Ari Have you ever gone to deep discounts calm? Oh? Yeah, I go to all time. I love it. It's the website and see if you can find the links in the description. I will see you over at 530. You'll see a lot of
Starting point is 01:27:52 buddy. Okay, that was funny. DeepDiscount.com, a loyal supporter of my show. The website is loaded with CDs, finals, DVDs, and blue-rays, video games and more, see for yourself. Go to deepdiscount.com. We got this website right here that we're going to bring up, I believe, stop padding, fucking, uh, uh, go
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Starting point is 01:29:17 I forget, we got stuff from Max. I forget what it was. I forget. No, no, no, no, no. I forget what the fuck, he has so many stuff he watches. I forget what it was. Can I explore? No, no, no, no, I forget what the fuck, he has so many stuff he watches. I forget what it was. But for myself, we got Roseanne,
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Starting point is 01:30:18 Buy it, only watch it when you want. Check it out now. Thank you, deep discount. Well, that was fun. You think it's gonna be a disaster? You feel like you're capable of marrying a couple. I don't. I'm not gonna be like, that's gonna be a tough one.
Starting point is 01:30:34 You're gonna get smashed hard. If you don't kill it, you're gonna get smashed hard. If you say ordained, again, I'm gonna fucking ordain you. That's not what you ordained. What do you know about marriage? Obviously not a lot. What if Ari came down here and just fucking beat the shit? Enough.
Starting point is 01:30:50 I think I would probably choke me out with those long fucking arms. How do you take Ari? I really? Oh yeah. You got a bull rush them. Now, what if I just started crying? If I hit them and I heard them,
Starting point is 01:31:00 I just started crying. I'm having some emotional fucking. I really think I'm having a a kid being married getting older. All of a sudden you like fuck. Mooy sense a Tivo. Mooy sense a Tivo. I think it's New Hampshire. It might be.
Starting point is 01:31:16 It might be. But you're on vacation, you're relaxed. Everyone comes back for vacation. Pussy. No, just relax. I mean, I don't know. Dude, are you sensitive enough to fucking marry? No.
Starting point is 01:31:30 What are you, why are you? I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm gonna be sweet. Say it again. Say what you said again. Oh yeah, if he doesn't do well, you're gonna get smashed the wedding.
Starting point is 01:31:38 But don't make it funny. Don't write just write a serious thing that's sweet. Or get like the podcast. Kind of good, good length, but not too funny. Kind of serious. Do you know what I have? If you start crying though, that's a pass because everyone is probably so sensitive. He did a good job. Here's a deal. What if is Max Max got a seat too, right?
Starting point is 01:31:59 Max is invited and I'm not. I'm not getting a babysitter for you wedding. You got to get a babysitter. No kids wedding, dude. Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding you. I can't go. I don't have a babysitter. Lawrence right here. She's she's working. I gotta work. She's working. Saturday night. Yeah, we're working on a Saturday night. I work the weekends. I a, I get out of work at eight o'clock. I can't, I can't even, cause if she, last time she was supposed to baby shit, she fucking flake. I can't, because you literally ruined my wife's birthday. There's no kids.
Starting point is 01:32:33 Was it though? Was it anniversary? It was that anniversary. Was it Mother's Day? Literally, I had a whole night plan for me, and she canceled on me the day before. We don't have a seat or meal for you. It was not five days.
Starting point is 01:32:46 It was, it was, it was, it was at least four days. It was not four days. I'll call Dom right now. It's she, her, she still, it was literally, I think it was two days, it was two days before. Two days, two days. Why don't you meet in the middle and go all three. When did you become this guy?
Starting point is 01:33:05 I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. We have no, uh, no, no chair or meal. There's no kids. It's a adult wedding. It's a comic wedding. Call my fucking wife. Call your wife, get a babysitter. I can understand if you haven't got a babysitter yet
Starting point is 01:33:19 because I only gave you a save the date nine months ago. Oh, the blame my wife then. Can you call Dawn? You got a number? Call Dawn. You'll figure it out. How am I going to figure it out? If I don't have a babysitter, what am I going to do?
Starting point is 01:33:31 You have 10 days you're yelling at me? Like it's my fault. I just come there a year ago. Can I just come and marry you and then take off? What are you talking about? It's an open bar. You're going to hang. I don't drink.
Starting point is 01:33:41 I'm in silver for 30 years. I'm a sensitive guy, Joe. After this, you're going to have a fucking tall, tall thin balding Jew can hurt my feelings at a whim I'm at a whim I get my feelings hurt. He's gonna be all right. I get feelings My wife Calm it down on the phone. We're gonna call her and she's not gonna pick up come Friday hang on. Hello come Friday. Hello. It's been the volume. Oh. Oh,
Starting point is 01:34:06 you texted answered just text your answer to the phone that it's me calling. I don't know if I I don't want to ruin your wedding and I know that scope on his band of fun. You would ruin it by bringing your child. What? What are you all right? You're panicking. No. Listen, just say I'm texting you from a weird number pick it up. I'm calling you from a weird number pick it up. I'm calling you from a weird number. Thanks. What?
Starting point is 01:34:28 What did you do? What? What? What? Give me this. Is that you're very coquely? I'm not showing. You're going to show that.
Starting point is 01:34:36 I can't show that. Come on. Don't be a fucking pussy. You are. No, it's whatever the last thing you texted a dawn or she texted It's adorable that's great that's really sweet I was sweating. That's it. Did you poop your pants?
Starting point is 01:35:07 I hate high, it's not like I don't like rides. I don't like fucking rides and my fucking dumb wife loves them and my kids loves them. We're on the flume coming down. I know it's not that high, but you come down quick and I was screaming. I was steepness of it. I was panicking and they were loving it. I suck it rides. Scent. Literally, the photo of me literally holding on. Oh, I look like just a fat muff.
Starting point is 01:35:31 So I'm not having so much fun. They're laughing. It's done looked right and found new where the camera was on the looked in it was like, I'm holding on for dear life. we came off the flume the lady was looking for us Who has the photos she had up on the big screen? It's the worst So there I couldn't see that's great. Yeah, you look like a bang don What There's a call back The Asian leader bang don't you look Asian in the photo. It was actually a pretty good one. I liked it
Starting point is 01:36:07 I did you text her? I call her again. Oh, I don't know if I'm panicking now. I don't know if I got it You're gonna be the guy you do it. Are you gonna memorize? He's going what's he's going you just got a memorize a couple lines well are he's going he's going it looks like there's a hierarchy You can't even own him for fucking 10 years. You don't invite him I already have become very close in a month. You've known I re from month. No, no, no, a couple years. How long you've known Scopo? many years Hello, don't Yes, how you doing?
Starting point is 01:36:40 I'm good You know we have a wedding in a week, right? I'm good. You know we have a wedding in a week, right? The 19th. Your list wedding, right? Yes. You're alive on the podcast with Joe List, by the way. Before you say anything.
Starting point is 01:36:51 She decided to hold you that. Okay, you told me that. Do you know it's a... I even mentioned it to you last night because we have the invite and the safety on the refrigerator that I looked at and I said we have Joe List wedding. That body's in. Yes, that body's in. I'm marrying them. on the refrigerator that i looked at they said we have to list wedding that bodies in yes that bodies in i'm marrying them yeah so i said you better get on and and get your uh...
Starting point is 01:37:13 are you married to me or to these people do you listen to why you throwing me under the bus it's not my bus to be under it's your bus Sounds like Alan Holy shit, I think she wants it a bomb. Hey listen Dawn. Yes. Yes. Yes You know that it's a kid-free wedding that we have to get a babysitter. We have to get a babysitter. You knew that Yeah, I'm sure we had to get a babysitter They're not like they're not allowing children to this wedding like some vampire fucking wedding like some
Starting point is 01:37:48 Sadistic humans. I mean a lot of people don't have kids at the wedding Well fucking people don't enjoy kids dancing at a wedding We got reader for that Hello Hello we got reader for that hello don do you feel that robert is capable of doing a good job marrying us because he's getting very insecure is making me anxious i think he's gonna do a great job thank you
Starting point is 01:38:15 what else is she gonna say he will do a great job okay all right so I'm doing it. Yes, all right and if all I think Shobo says just cry if all else fails because at least they'll think I'm sensitive Am I a sensitive guy Don't am I a sensitive guy am I sensitive? Yeah, oh, I'm a motion. I'm emotional Yeah, for who? Emotion. I'm emotion. I'm emotional. Yeah, you have feelings. I gotta go you fucking.
Starting point is 01:38:49 Okay, bye bye. Hey, don't fucking talk to me like that. Bye. Find out my friends. Hey, put the kid on for a second. Hello? I'm fucking dirty. Fucking I can't I'm gonna hit her. Fuck you. I'm gonna go to the Metz game tomorrow. We're gonna the meds game you're gonna go the meds game. I wish I could I can't I want nothing to do it. I get invited this thing though
Starting point is 01:39:13 What what thank the med game that's better than a wedding. What are you kidding? I'd rather go to the fucking med game than that's a pressure Kids can come to the meds game Can I bring max with the meds game yeah, bring them how much you take it Our sex is sold out none of the sections near our service available, but You get it for like six bucks a new game meds ready for you kidding me. They'll pay you to go I call them. I see what times again. They say what time you can you be here? LOL That's an old bit. Oh my god
Starting point is 01:39:44 You've been here that joke you know something as old jokes That's an old bit. Oh my god. You ever hear that joke? You know something that's old jokes that are like old and like they are all like old time jokes. You're like that's a pretty great joke. Yeah. Yeah. But times the game start.
Starting point is 01:39:53 What time can you be here? That's fucking hilarious. Somebody wrote that. Oh. Woo. How do you think he's that's going to make him feel? I was just asking him. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 01:40:03 He does a lot of old jokes. I don't know, I guess I have to spend all day fucking sift and truce. Yeah, I'm just gonna go on YouTube and fucking, I'm just gonna steal other people's shit. Yeah, you'll be able to find everything I say you're wedding, you'll be able to find on YouTube and other people's weddings. That's what I want is generic, just a generic thing and then you add a other people shit. You'll be able to find everything I say you're wedding, you'll be able to find on YouTube and other people's weddings. That's what I want, is generic.
Starting point is 01:40:28 Just a generic thing, and then you add a couple of things. You're gonna be in the moment, you'll go, Dad, I'm sweating like a fucking fat, there will be a day. Why do I gotta be a fat dog the day? I didn't say fat, I was doing a blah, blah, blah, blah. I started to say F-A-G for the third time, and I gotta stop saying it.
Starting point is 01:40:43 I gotta stop saying fat. That's a problem. Because I've been saying it for years, and we all say it is a greatG. for the third time and I really I gotta stop saying it. I got a problem. You gotta stop saying that. That's a problem. Yeah. Because I've been saying it for years and we all say it is a great word. Why can't you say that bring it? It's very insensible. Okay, so what are you? Chelsea fucking what's your name? You can't say Faggot.
Starting point is 01:40:54 You can say Faggot. Chelsea Handler. Did you hear she read about that shit? Yeah, she's a silly. It's all silly. Everyone's getting real silly. What do you mean silly? What does that mean?
Starting point is 01:41:02 It's silly. It's trying to be a thing and all we should get to rest people that say you're like, what are you talking? What are you mean silly? What does that mean? It's silly to try to be a thing and always be gonna arrest people that say you're like, what are you doing? You know that they, you know, look, who hasn't done a high Hitler joke in Germany? I mean, I mean, you can't joke around anymore. They arrested two fucking guys. Let me see it. And she has it. Make races long.
Starting point is 01:41:27 Two Chinese guys were arrested in Berlin for making Nazi salutes. Wouldn't it be nice to have? Sorry. It's almost like a hitter. Sorry. Sorry. She flinched in that. Sorry.
Starting point is 01:41:44 I can't know where. Wouldn't it be nice to have laws here for people who think racism is funny? What the fuck? What a stupid cunt. But you think so? Yeah, that's that comment is just so fucking stupid. Six hundred and sixteen likes. Forty five retweets.
Starting point is 01:42:01 No, how? Two thousand. I'm sorry. Oh, there you go. I'm reading the wrong one. 12,000 likes, 2,000, 77 retweets, and 5,500, 7,000 comments. Well, Joe is pretty like, saying like, we need to burn the Jews is, you know, it's not a joke, you know, like, Joe said that. No. Joe, let's said that. I mean, Joe, are you being funny when you said that?
Starting point is 01:42:25 I did not say that, Robert. Who said that? No, I'm just saying something like that. Like these guys are silly and nasty. It's not, there was no joking in their context that she's talking about. What do you mean? Those guys were not joking.
Starting point is 01:42:38 Yeah, I don't know. They're not comics, right? They're not comics. They're not comics. But they were doing, they're in Germany. They're probably in front of, I mean, I would imagine. You're doing shitty racist stuff that's different than joking around about it. But Germany is also the most piece of country.
Starting point is 01:42:52 So if we, if me and Josie, two guys do Nazi salutes and we laugh, we should be the ones that are arrested. Yeah, that seems weird. It's probably a little, how bad were they doing the Nazi salutes? How bad? Like, would how bad like they like this? They keep doing it. They're nails painted. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:43:11 Did they have hats on? What the fuck do you mean? Like was it like were they holding it for like 10 minutes or were just like how real good? They're a goose stepping for that. I'm the street. I don't. They probably did it for a couple,
Starting point is 01:43:24 but how fucking did they do it in front of police that the police? I mean, how did they get arrested? Like who turned them in? That's what I don't get. It's very cool. They're posing posing for cell phone pictures in front of the Germany parliament building.
Starting point is 01:43:41 There's got to be more to the story. Right. Then it is against the law. I just read that. Two men ages 36 and 49 have been released after each post. a parliament building. There's got to be more to the story. They probably then it is against the law. Just read that. Two men ages 36 and 49 have been released after each post. Oh, six. H speech and symbols are largely, oh, wait, no.
Starting point is 01:43:53 She couldn't read that word if you don't. I mean, can you please just read the words if you can't read them. It's okay. I can't read the word. Just try. H speech and symbols are largely verbodined today in Germany. The Nazis who ruled between 1933 and 1945 use such methods to help whip up support allowing millions of Jews and other minorities to be systematically slaughtered.
Starting point is 01:44:20 After, you know, keep going. I do. We'll do the Nazi party with band and strict rules against hate speech and symbols were designed to protect the vulnerable people. It's largely not largely. Also, you could have got a big laugh if you said after World War II. I'm like reading a brother on Saturday. Oh, here we go.
Starting point is 01:44:40 The Chinese men were charged under Germany's criminal code prohibiting the use of symbols and unconstitutional organizations including flags and Signia uniform slogans and forms of greeting. Oh, I guess if it's against the law, but it's kind of funny for Germany to have that law It's like you did it. They're the most PC country because of what they did. Yeah, well look there I would imagine that they're a little sensitive To what the fuck well, isn't there also a large Nazi neo-Nazi base there still which they're worried about Up to three years in prison three years in prison for a high
Starting point is 01:45:14 That seems weird for a fucking joke picture That seems weird. I mean look they're trying to shake a Reputation how does it happen? Like a high old doesn't take long. I mean, with a yelling and doing it, that's what I'm saying. How do you get a whole new jet throw? I mean, now Chris has his point make sense. I mean, thank you.
Starting point is 01:45:35 Yeah. It is weird, like they did it right. Were they in front of the police? How do you get a, I mean, to get, you get shop lift and get away with it easier than, they probably posted it. You also know, agents love to use that. Is that what they did? I mean, agents love cameras. They said the arrest comes as a number of Chinese tourists in Europe have
Starting point is 01:45:54 surged in the recent years. Oh, wow. I mean, don't get me wrong. What they did was wrong. But, um, you, but you'll be arrested for saying that. Yeah, that's racist. Alested. That's racist. You can get arrested for that. I think I think the, I'll look at it.
Starting point is 01:46:13 She, but she's not known for being a PC comic. She says, Chelsea, Chelsea, she says the most outrageous shit ever. She says crazy stuff. I saw a video of her being peed on in she's in the water and the guy from American pie movie. What's that guy's name? Don McLean. No, no, Jason Biggs was literally pissing on her. Pissing on her. What's not right? I know, but it's like, she's gonna be racist to German. And she was laughing. If you have you have that if that that's a really good sense of humor Do you know saying you have a great if someone's if I was in the water and Joe you started pissing on my face
Starting point is 01:46:53 Just for shit and giggles and I'm laughing. That's a great sense of humor. I Yeah, let's the problem with trying to be a fan of their look at this The humor like if you like and now this is cool, but that's not I Just I don't know. It's like you say one thing look at this. He is humor. Like, if you're like, and now this is cool, but that's not. I just, I don't know. It's like you say one thing. Look at this. He's peeing right on her. And she is laughing her ass off.
Starting point is 01:47:13 He really peeing. He's pissing. He's pissing on her face. That's pee. That's gotta be a bottle of water. That's not a bottle of water, man. That's him peeing. Yeah, I would flip out.
Starting point is 01:47:26 His name should be Jason Smalls, then, because I don't see shit. Hello, folks. I don't know. I think it's, you know, it's, it's, you want to, you know, everybody's fucking flipping out on it. You can't, you get a, I mean, as comedy, dude, you can't fucking, you cannot,
Starting point is 01:47:45 I mean, as comedy, dude, you can't fucking, you can't not. You can think that, but don't fucking condone it publicly. Yeah, nobody wants to see two assholes giving a C.A. Kyle in front of a German historical site. It's stupid, it's dumb, it's ridiculous. But to bring that into our country, the country that fucking beat the Nazis that helped end that fucking shit. And to say that, oh, we should have that here. You're fucking, that's stupid. Yeah. It's fucking dumb. You know, we don't, we invented stand-up comedy.
Starting point is 01:48:18 We took painful shit. And you know, who did it? The Jews, mostly fucking Jews. Well, the ones that took that painful shit and made fun and jokes out of it. How many fucking Holocaust jokes have been made over the years by Jewish people that were hilarious? Well, I mean, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't, it's weird here. What? Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. He wants the China.
Starting point is 01:48:45 She wants Paxen. yeah, there you go. That's funny. That's a funny fucking joke. I don't really get it. Because they're, are they Chinese? Yeah, yeah. They're two and they adopted the, they do it. Yeah, they did.
Starting point is 01:48:57 She adopted two. Yeah, they have two regular kids from a vagina, I believe, right? Yeah, I think three. That's gotta be weird. That's a fucking racist joke. That's an arrestable joke. That's the the thing that but that's the thing that really Everyone that retweeted against the rest of the two I don't think it's racist though because like it's racial But it like racist implies superiority. Yes, it's a joke that involves Chinese people
Starting point is 01:49:15 But it's not saying like their pieces of shit and the doctor has spoken there we go Also, you're absolutely makes me every every week a people are so like look I'm a fucking dumb guy and it made sense. I think scope. Oh, You're absolutely making me feel like everyone. A people are so... It makes sense. Look, I'm a fucking dumb guy and it made sense. I think Scopo, did you get it? I got it. It made sense. It really has to make sense for... Fuck both of us to get it.
Starting point is 01:49:34 Some racism is funny because ignorance is funny. Someone being so dumb, it's funny. Like in the movie Mean Streets, great movie, he's dating a new girl and he shows in the picture and he goes, this is the new girl and then he goes oh i know that girl i see you know kissing an inward under the bridge and then he goes all and he rips up the picture
Starting point is 01:49:52 that's hilarious i mean that's like that's racist the whole thing is right to black comic but yeah no black people think it's funny to i'm sure you're unique and the idea of a guy being like i'm in love with this girl and then being like i saw her kissing a black guy. He says, ew and rips up the picture. I mean, that's meant to be funny. It is funny because he's an ignorant, you know,
Starting point is 01:50:11 getting like, you know, what we're here. Me. It's a great film. And there's you two. Both of you. Get his ear out of the box. That's because you're in here. You never saw it.
Starting point is 01:50:20 I look, here's the thing though, is like, you know, you, she said hashtag, I couldn't help myself. Yeah, it's because you're funny, Chelsea. You have, she's funny. I think Chelsea's funny. Trying to get in her show. No, I don't even know what she has a show. I don't know.
Starting point is 01:50:35 I like Chelsea, she's funny. I have never met her, I've never done a show. I never wanted to do a show. I'm just saying that she's funny. You know, I thought Kathy Griffin, some of the shit she did, her style of comic, she just told stories. Some of the stuff was pretty fucking funny. She just went too far and fucking apologized and then fucking tried to become the victim. And that's where she lost her footing. You know, this is, you know, this type of shit.
Starting point is 01:51:01 Don't forget where you come from. Don't forget what you've said. People get pissed off because all of a sudden you said, oh, wish we had that here. I think it was, uh, why the fuck a comic's getting so political? Like seriously, political. It's, uh, it's silly. We're off the rails here. Our job, uh, look, you can get sensitive like me, but not political. It can be a fact, but don't be fucking. Jesus. But not political. It can be a fact, but don't be fucking sensitive. Jesus. Why is the gay's have the fucking cornered the market on being sensitive?
Starting point is 01:51:31 Why do I have to put a penis in your mouth to have feelings, Scopo? Why do I have to take it in the rump to fucking have feelings? Says gay. The gay, bro. The feelings are gay. Chris is very old school. Yeah. Do you really think feelings are gay?
Starting point is 01:51:46 No, no. No, you're a sensitive guy. I'm a sensitive, yeah. Are you sensitive? Oh, yeah. I feel terrible. I can make him cry right now. No, you'll make him call me later, cry.
Starting point is 01:51:58 No, I don't cry. I can't cry. You call me. I get very upset. I've seen you cry. You see me cry. Yeah, it takes time. It takes time for me to
Starting point is 01:52:05 take me fucking eight seconds. What you do? Five. Do you fight on them? What'd you say? You fucking found on them? Fuck you, dude. I don't fucking find on people. My fucking my father taught me better than that. You cocked fucking second. I fuck fucking private. It's my fucking nuts out of a fucking twist. What made you cry? You little bitch. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm a cry. I cry. I have to cry. I can't cry. I want to cry so bad. You're going to cry. It's wedding. To be old. I want to cry.
Starting point is 01:52:34 So we try to cry Sarah is going to cry. Can we try to cry right now? I just want to try to cry. Can we bring something up? I am trouble crying. I'm very disappointed. I know. Don't do anything with fucking puppies. No, don't stop me. No, don't stop me. Puppies won't do shit for me. I want to try to cry. We all seriously, and I'm looking, Joseph, look it. That's not gonna do it.
Starting point is 01:52:54 We've all seen that. Just, no. No, not that. What are you, a fucking Patrice on Neil Amishumor, but listen, bring that back. That's not gonna cry. I watch Rocky, Rocky makes you cry to YouTube go to YouTube go to YouTube type in This will make you cry
Starting point is 01:53:13 Okay, oh put up already laying Anthony Cumia that might get it All right, wait wait, okay, wait, I'm waiting. That's not gonna be it. Wait three minutes must see make you cry Let's do it. Let's try to make me cry They're Asian. No, this isn't gonna do it. This isn't gonna do it already now. I've seen this already Yeah, it's not gonna make me cry. It's just gonna make me think about my life You know, maybe cry hang on you ever see the video with a girl the softball was she heard her knee? Give us a long. Yeah, stuff like that makes me cry She had a whole breath and blew out her knee and then something the other team carried her around the basis and touched all the bags for that one
Starting point is 01:53:48 That's me Because you can't terms terms of endearment terms of the year. I tried that out. Oh I call it terms of equipment. I cry every time Now terms of the part make you cry If you're not watching the whole movie Oh my god when she buys them the fucking I know something to cry But in the final scene from oh Feel the dreams no no no in the father how about that pursuit of happiness?
Starting point is 01:54:15 That gets me going that's what Bobby it's Kevin costume Nobody not everybody has not her is fucking father issues like you I think I do I do you. I think I do. I do too. I think every guy does. Yeah, let's see, terms of endearment, no, candy bar scene. That's the candy bar. This isn't gonna work.
Starting point is 01:54:33 Yeah, let's try. Let's honestly fucking try. My dad could probably sub in for Robert at the wedding if he has to back out. I mean, there's no bed. Here we go, here we go. All right, here we go, here we go. Here we go, ready? Make it big.
Starting point is 01:54:43 $44. The fake conversation in the background. I'm saying that. German is taking the other one. See that's 38.40. You don't have enough money? That's Joe. I don't have any checks.
Starting point is 01:55:15 Oh, you guess I'll have to put some things back. A little bit. Can I have the register key? She doesn't have enough money. Ah, she's the con. That's such a big thing. I brought the wrong purse. Here, take this. 43.75. 41.35. Mommy, promise I could have something.
Starting point is 01:55:43 I'm not going to give her real food, all right? You give her this. No way. 40, 35. Mom! All right. Here. 40, 55. 40, 75.
Starting point is 01:56:00 Hey, we're going in the wrong direction. Why do you have to be so goddamn nasty? I Mean it's not gonna help anything We're both people you know It's not gonna work I keep looking at her tits I Is she has a money today playing out how much money she has by looking at the prices? Listen man, it just her tits were fun. I was just I'm too horny and her tits were fucking awesome.
Starting point is 01:56:27 It's also a great old Louis bit. What? Yes, no money. Like you want to put it in back? I got to put all the items back. Unless you got a change your system. That was like old school. Oh god, nothing's going to spill pursuit wrong.
Starting point is 01:56:40 What about backtracks in the ambulance? So one second. That's the big one. How do you know? It's P you are as you're reading it Lauren backtracks ambulance scene. Oh, that's a good one brother Diane. Right. That's a good one. That's big clear. That's not gonna pull it up. Fuck you. The spelling is getting worse. I got one. I got the backtracks. Let's let her pull the thing up. It's gonna get you. We'll pull that one up. It's gonna get you. We'll pull that one up I'm gonna get you this is gonna get Bobby. Let's go. Oh get out of here with this. Will Smith is the worst
Starting point is 01:57:08 That's the one that's gonna be a minute wait a minute. Let me see Yeah, go to a fresh Prince of Bel Air video. It's not can you suspend reality if he was an actor I could. Let's try. I'm going wrong. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't know. You know, you'll probably be about as good as I was. That's kind of the way it works. You know, and I was below average. So you'll probably ultimately rank. That was acting a black guy, missing a shot. Really, you'll excel at a lot of things. Just not this. I don't want you out here shooting this ball at my name.
Starting point is 01:57:51 What a bad dad. All right. Come on. All right. All right. Not good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 01:58:10 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh crying.
Starting point is 01:58:31 Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something. You just did. Not even me. All right. You got a dream. Is it a double negative? You got to protect it. People can't do something themselves They want to come out you can I'm out
Starting point is 01:58:49 I'm out no I can't cry because there is fucking it up. That's his real kid. Oh, I got one That's taking me out. I got one. I got one But the back draft ambulance scene and then here it is right Robin Williams the plea and Mrs. Delphiya for his kids Here it is right Robin Williams the plea and Mrs. Doutfire for his kids All right, all right, let's see if the robin Williams courtroom Mrs. Doutfire. That's a big one that one This is gonna be the winner I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him.
Starting point is 01:59:26 I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him.
Starting point is 01:59:34 I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him.
Starting point is 01:59:42 I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I got him. I we go. Andy killed himself. Shhh. You're on in the past two months. Have security residents. Have you published that residence and made it in the firemen fit for children? It's here works. I'm also really down to job. This asshole filmed it without having a stack of books to set the camcorder on it's just going up and down Yeah, is there a better version of this? Can we get a better version? It's such a big speech right there. There we go
Starting point is 02:00:13 Fire courtroom scene courtroom scene. All right cool What the fuck is there a better internet? We're supposed to have the fastest internet in the world in the world And the world Oh Mrs the world? Yeah, in the world. Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire, full movie. Yeah, that's what's now. Before I get to telling you this fucking shitty podcast. All right, we're gonna, I'm gonna hold on.
Starting point is 02:00:35 What are you laughing at? Does anybody in the chat room have any suggestions besides? I gotta, I gotta, I gotta ending this podcast. Somebody sing back draft. All right, here we go. Here we go. Okay, I got a ending this podcast. Oh, he's seeing back draft. I have a go. Here we go. Okay, I bring it forward to where we already saw this. We also realize perhaps now more than ever that it is not in a child's best
Starting point is 02:00:53 I love even the deprived him or her of an obviously loving father. However, this isn't the right time. This is the scene that he had to go and do his thing. Oh, this is getting bad. Go to the full movie and just fast forward to the end. The court scene, the top one. This, this one will do. Turn up the volume. That's all work. Yeah, we were right in there. Still got rewind. We cut in. I'm out. I'm out.
Starting point is 02:01:26 You got to go back to the beginning. Just go back a little bit, please. Get into the beginning of the model right there. I love scheduled. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity. Because since my children are born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. Because I held them, I was hooked.
Starting point is 02:01:49 I'm addicted to my children, so I loved them with all my heart. The idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day. It's like someone saying, I can't have air, I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. But now I would do anything. I just want to be with them. And now I need that, sir. We have a history. It just... It means everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them.
Starting point is 02:02:24 So please, don't take back your time away from me. You've been able to pull a lot of people into believing that you're a 60 year old woman, a easy task, and your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt in genuine. But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor nothing more. No. Is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox And I refuse to further subject free innocent children. I'm out. I'm out. Wait, it doesn't get anything Let me give the verdict Her face nothing. No, it's Sally. It's it's smoking the bandit And the guy became a cross-dresser He He guy was wearing tits. He killed himself, bro. Oh Fuck this turn it off
Starting point is 02:03:53 I guess I'm not I want to give me the satisfaction. That's what this is not it. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive I had a fucking thin balled in Jewish kid hurt my feelings on a river kid. He's 59. I think music I had a fucking thin bald and Jewish kid hurt my feelings on a river kid. He's 59. I think music All right, I was on a river hurt by a fucking piece of shit Back to after I got a I got a music I got a song That what song is it's you know whose son kill moon is now He's got a song called I cannot live without my mother's love. I've only been able to listen to it one time All right listen to the top 10 movie crying scenes my pick all right, go ahead do it. Pursuit them crying. All right cool
Starting point is 02:04:33 I want to hear the song you know what fuck this? Let's hear the song We know that movies can make us Fuck her. I hate her voice. I'm already out of song so I cannot live without my mother's love Jesus if we don't cry over this wish shit people Well shit mothers how about the was that the Christmas shoes song? That's a sad is that him singing it? Sun kill moon. I think they just have a blank background It's a typo it's Sun kill mom here we go
Starting point is 02:05:06 Son kill mom. Here we go. Ready? We're gonna wait for what? Backed up today. Oh my god. Backed up. Are you back? I'm back to fucking Adam's laugh is hilarious Which one's Adam the one over here. Oh, yeah, he sits over there. I don't know why he doesn't sit in front. I thought deep poo last night. Yeah, what was he doing? Stand up where a story Bar show. Oh cool. It's a good job. Great show. That last week. I killed Is anything happening? It's no don't yeah. All right. Well, let's wrap this up as she's getting this we'll play this What's going on? Thanks coming on dude? Thanks for having me. I'll see you at the wedding, I guess. Yeah. He needed me a fan.
Starting point is 02:05:46 I wish. Can you, can you run, you know, just write some stuff just in case I don't show up? I was going to, my dad's coming to the wedding too. My dad made it over scope. Oh, too. But you invited somebody's parent over a close. Over a close. Over a friend. Over a guy who you just I mean on the pod. He's one of the guys who said you got to have Joe list on. They lived together. I was on the show three years before scuffle was on. We were also roommates. You roommates. You didn't invite your roommate. Dude, it's a
Starting point is 02:06:17 very expensive. We had to narrow it down. I have 35 people in my family. Right. You were on the cusp, by the way. Sarah doesn't care for you. Why am I marrying you that? I had to fight. You know I'm marrying me. I'm marrying her. All right. Why am I in the wedding?
Starting point is 02:06:33 Listen, I should not be in the wedding. Both people should love the person in the wedding. Sarah loves you. You just said she hates me. I was joking. You know how I feel about jokes? I get from very sense. I see your act. You're not a big fan of them. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's really her.
Starting point is 02:06:51 I was joking, I ran too. I listened. Whew. All right, we get it you learn good. I'll tell you Christmas shoes is way better than this one. That's gonna be a good shoe. That guy. What? So excited. I can't do this.
Starting point is 02:07:17 Christmas shoes is better. Is there any other chat room? The chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I have any other chat room. I can't do this.
Starting point is 02:07:26 Christmas shoes is better. Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms?
Starting point is 02:07:35 Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms?
Starting point is 02:07:43 Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Is there any of the chat rooms? Alabama This is A little kid David tell judging Here we go. This is gonna be big. This is gonna make us cry. I'm an atheist though. So I think this is not working on me. Chris Micheou Steve Schwini Oh Christmas shoes Steve Schwini What the fuck is singing?
Starting point is 02:08:10 What the fuck is singing? What the fuck is this, Schwini? Big head, no head, little head Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally The song, the song Why is this a guy who has to get his mother shoes for Christmas because she's dying in a hospital. Why does she need shoes for a hospital? I don't know!
Starting point is 02:08:28 Let's get this one. No! Is she getting out? I don't know. This sucks. She's dick. Wait, we got one more ad. All right, God.
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Starting point is 02:09:53 about it. You have to go shopping and the recipes are amazing. That's a good price. Unbelievable. Cooking together as a family or a couple, it does. Max loves cooking with my wife, Loves when the blue apron comes in because they sit there and they go with the recipes together and it bonds family. When I'm home, we eat at 530 at the table, which I think is as a family you should.
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Starting point is 02:10:35 I would love to. That sounds great. I really want to learn how to cook. They got stuff. Check this out. Okay. Basil pesto chicken with summer vegetable, pen zennamella. I love that. Which
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Starting point is 02:13:02 That's it blue apronon.com slash dude. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Back. Don't. That's the way, that's the way I go to break. All right, we're gonna go smoke a cigar. Me, well if I just went downstairs and fucking just choked out Ari.
Starting point is 02:13:18 I would love it. You would love it. Why? If I get him a blowjob. He always takes his dick out around me. He does this every one. Why does he always take his day loves to he has no he hasn't like his dick. Oh, got a piece. Do you have you seen it? I saw it here. He whipped it out the minute he walked in. Did you like it? I mean, the penis is not that you liked it, but it was I got a good penis at home.
Starting point is 02:13:40 Look, can we put the can we? Oh, fucking there it is. I'm looking to love the end of funny. She can't she used to tell us about our shits are pussy. I'll talk about shirts and purse. I'm just I'm just asking. I'm asking here. I have a yeast infection. You do. That's a great. You fucking pussy looks like somebody can cottage cheese. Adam's looking at me with the nasty face. Is it stink when you get a yeast infection? No, it's odorless. It's on it, but it's like white in the white cream. There's white cream and you know when you get yeast infections
Starting point is 02:14:17 from dirty Dave Dick. No, you got him on your yeast to Sunday. I was a carrier for a used to affection. I stated that carry it. That cop I dated was a carrier. You married him. You get him every now and then. Yeah, so Dave gave you a to you.
Starting point is 02:14:34 No. You can carry it. Well, how did you get it? I don't know. Wait a minute. Did you give it to you? No. How did you get it?
Starting point is 02:14:42 I don't know. What are you sitting on a fucking boat? Huh? What are you? I don't know what are you sitting on a fucking boat? Huh what are you a wet fucking cushion wet? Swim drugs too long It's gross. Yeah We're very good. I think it's a gross imagine and then you go down there and you're licking it all the sudden You see this wet stuff. Oh, dogs mouth Like the side foam. Yeah, we have a seat like one like a fucking pot head when they talk too much. Oh,
Starting point is 02:15:05 they go right in the corners. I hate that. Fucking gross. That's their boyfriend. That's your best day. He doesn't get the white in the corner. No, you just get you want to eat your pussy. He does. Fuck it awful. Yuck pussy. Can you fix it? I like my pose. Well fix it. I already fixed it. It's fixed. It's gone. Now, we get that. Just get that. That's all now. Oh, you get that just get that that's alright Do we now does he have a nice does he have a nice perfect pussy? Did you just make one of my guests get the thing? Yeah, because you didn't
Starting point is 02:15:38 You don't make the guess what he got a best Can you be? Long pause that was a pause, Adam. Adam. I was trying to figure out if it was Adam, but he got damn it. Is it beneath you? God damn it, Adam.
Starting point is 02:15:51 No, I get the door all the time. I was trying to figure out if that was you. Get off him. Get off him. Get off him. You're just respecting my friend right now. Get off him. You're dating my friend and you're hanging on him.
Starting point is 02:16:00 You're hanging on him. You don't fucking do that. When I'm at that friend, Dave Smith. You invading a fucking somebody's font, there he is. Hey, you got one too. Clean shaving. You look gross. He's gonna see.
Starting point is 02:16:12 It's like my vagina. It takes so much for you to look, uh, normal and or attract good. I think our forehead work. The clean face is bad. I like the moha. I like the clean face. No, it's bad. What's up with the skateboard? I'm the only one that's nice. Lewis is converting everybody. It is bad. I like the moha. I like the clean face. No, it's bad.
Starting point is 02:16:25 What's up with the skateboard? I'm the only one that's nice. Lewis is converting everybody. It's bad. Did Lewis get you into a skateboard? Yeah, yeah. Well, I already had a skateboard, but he got me on these penny racers. What's a penny racer?
Starting point is 02:16:35 Can you hold it up? It's a nickel racer. It's just for Jews. Is that from... That's a nickel racer? It's a little bigger. They're fast, right? They're fast. You're going to get a nickel racer. It's a little bigger. They're fast, right? They're really fast. You're going to get a penny racer or a nickel racer.
Starting point is 02:16:51 Look at it. They have a fucking 60 one, like a big boy one for a guy like that's the big one. That's the big one. Yeah, that's the nickel. All right. How you doing? We tried, we tried after we hung out with you, we tried to watch movies and songs to make it, to see if we could cry and nothing worked. So I guess I'm not as sensitive. How can you can do it? What? I'm gonna think of a good song.
Starting point is 02:17:14 There's no song that's gonna make us cry. So don't know, nine years nails hurt. That's not gonna make me cry, cause first of all, anybody. Anybody. Oh, I got one. Oh, I got one. I'm gonna do it. I got one. Oh boy. What this is big
Starting point is 02:17:27 Guilty John Belushi What pull this up bro. What keep in mind. He's dead. He died. Okay. You not give us the back story play it Let's give it with it Might the fast forward two seconds at this point a song to take too long Wait rewind it back to the very beginning of the of him singing yeah, there you go Get in there maybe close your eyes if you have to Yeah get in there. Could it close your eyes if you have to? Yeah, baby. Yeah, I've been drinking. Mm.
Starting point is 02:18:17 And I, I shouldn't come by now. This is Baluci. It's got. Great voice. I'm not even near it. I'm still not. Why don't you Instagram something meaning? God, he's just saying things that he has. From a bot, okay. I got some cookie. Is he just saying?
Starting point is 02:18:56 I'm in his predictions. I tip the waitress. I went to God. It's fucking song dude It's not making me cry it is beautifully. No, there's a whole lot of medicine for me to pretend that I'm somebody dies two days later cocaine good come on. Yeah, well you should have if you were just gonna about it. I'm not disconnected If you were just about it, I'm not disconnected. I'm not connected. I'm not connected. I'm very connected Disconnected he's not to that song that does that make you cry. Does it make you know? I wasn't gonna get into that I can feel I'm not gonna get into that that was a tough first of all an actor I'm telling you the course the chorus at the end of the course Johnny Cash's heart is better than I need to. He's just. When I talk about that, it's time for what's going to make me cry.
Starting point is 02:19:48 That will make you cry. Yeah. Okay. If you're all quiet, if you're all quiet, let's hurt stop. I don't want any jokes. I don't want any quips. I want to see if this really works. Put on the end.
Starting point is 02:20:00 If the. All right. A little, a little further than that, a little back than that, a little more. If you don't want jokes, the quips put on eyes, this special. If the right little little further than that little back than that little more jokes I Why are you getting why is it oh? Static it yeah, what which one did you get the worst person? Why did you get the Hurt worst version 1080 am
Starting point is 02:20:45 This is some guy you gotta get out of this it. I'll be recording this in the white mountains. Yeah, what? There you go. Just, no, not that one. That's John and Cash. That's John and Cash. Okay, hold on. I don't know if the Johnny Cash one's got right there.
Starting point is 02:20:54 Just, just, just, just, yeah, there you go. Oh. They're holding them. I'm still right here, whatever I'd come Whatever I could go My sweetest friend I'd never want to know Goes away in the end And you can have it all I am part of the dance I would like to dance
Starting point is 02:22:20 I would like to dance I will make it to the end So I can still look at A million miles I will make it to the end I'm making a noise. You alright? Did you get there? That was close. You're right. Did you get did you get did you get there? That was close. You were close.
Starting point is 02:23:30 Yeah. Oh. Oh. Yeah, that's here. Oh. You're sweating, bro. Oh. You're sensitive too.
Starting point is 02:23:39 You okay? You need a hug, dude. You sure? Yeah. Want some water? Alright, let's just go smoke a cigar. This is... Oh, if we get some of the smoke in our eyes. Yeah, that can work.
Starting point is 02:23:59 That does it. Let's know what's Korea stuff, huh? Alright, now put on Irish our special let's all cry You're right buddy, they really affect you huh? Huh? Oh, dude Buddy, it's a hide don't worry about it. Who's the fact now, huh? Don't worry about it. Who's the fact now, huh?
Starting point is 02:24:23 Huh? Who's the emotional clock's aca now? Now you know how I felt! Will you fucking dins the gram you cunt? No, I'm kidding buddy. Ah, buddy that's, I'm feel bad. What are you doing? Your friends crying.
Starting point is 02:24:42 He's threatening the North. Look at the North. Oh. And as I said, they will be back. Oh great, how funny would be? doing your friends crying he's threatening looking for who and as I said all great how how funny would be if right now we just launched nukes huh which this world has never seen before that is crazy
Starting point is 02:24:58 what happens it really done nothing to anyone outside of North Korea what are they well they're fucking threatening Japan they're right, they're fucking threatening Japan. They're right there. They're launching missiles. They're just me fucking people. Well, they've done anything to anyone.
Starting point is 02:25:11 Yeah. Well, they're launching missiles into the sea of Japan right now. And they have a, they say they have a missile that can reach California. You know, fire and fury like the world has never seen. Yeah, we get there. Baaah! All right, well then we should uh, let's go smoke some cigars.
Starting point is 02:25:28 What do you say Ari? What do you got? Deadsome. What is that? What is that? Oh yeah. I got these two right here. Um, Ari of course, uh, follows Instagram where you know,
Starting point is 02:25:42 but uh, his double negative is on Netflix right now, which is a kick it asks and taking names. No, it is you're doing great. Yeah, you take a name five star reviews, right? No, they don't do that anymore. Oh, they don't. Oh, she did. Did they really take that away? Yeah, because of Sch Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. That's what power should have been motivated. Help. Wow. It's up there. It's kicking ass. You still promoting it?
Starting point is 02:26:13 Yeah. Everywhere. Yeah. That's great. Now. All right. So check it out. Double negative right now.
Starting point is 02:26:21 It's on Netflix. Are you sure fear two specials? Not one, but two. Double special. And as podcast, of course, skeptic tank, which iss, not one, but two. Double special. And it's podcast, of course, Skeptic Tank, which is one of the biggest podcasts out there. And one of my favorite people are gonna go smoke cigarettes. No, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.
Starting point is 02:26:35 No, it's cool, no arms down here. No. No. I'm gonna crash it. I guess sometimes I just get a little bit of Lauren and take care of it. Or you'll leave some glasses around Lauren Go hide some top of where we're over that that's done that she's she's learned over this
Starting point is 02:26:54 Jason what do you got besides Joe's wedding? comedian Jason dot com I'm going to Minneapolis comedy corner underground September 8th and you know they had too many fucking comedy corner underground. All these underground. Yeah, it's fun. That's like a little 90 ceter or something. 100. Dude, I love those clubs.
Starting point is 02:27:15 Fucking great. That's fun. You know what it is? You get these, some of these clubs are so big. It's a Thursday night. You're like, how am I, you know, you don't fill it. Not what's in they take a curtain and make the room into's a Thursday night. You're like, you know, you don't fill it. Not just when they take a curtain and make the room into a 90 seat or you feel like shit.
Starting point is 02:27:28 It's, well, the big rooms, a lot of them don't even have the curtains and there's this zero audience connection where the person in the back of the room is 40 yards away from you. And they're seeing a completely different show than the people, you know, upfront. You make way more money, but yeah, you're right. It's a, no, but I love those rooms.
Starting point is 02:27:42 I played a couple of them. He does a bunch of that. She had to play, you know, play those rooms. Yeah. Yeah. What else you got? Anything else? You got a feature for the size players week? How come everybody wants that? I'm gonna get in. Ian's been fucking bugged. The kid Ian is been on me to be my to go there to the size putters for that week. And who? Fightins Who? Yeah, he wants he's been calling me. I'm on vacation. He won't stop fucking calling me. Many me, huh? Yeah, he is many you They've way more open about a sexuality. Wow way more. Yeah, he doesn't have to hide it by going to another country for three months
Starting point is 02:28:20 He just stays here and fucks dudes Think it was four months. What do you got? Oh, uh, what's that? What besides what? A wedding that is gonna. Now I'm now he told me I'm gonna fucking ruin it and Scopo told me I'm gonna bomb. He didn't say it's gonna be a disaster. Don feels confident in you and she loves you.
Starting point is 02:28:39 Yeah, but don't don't go. Scopo's probably a little. I didn't say it'll be 40% worse than Yamannica, but in fairness, Yamanica wasn't that good. So what was she doing? It was an outside setting. It was rough. Cars are like walking through walking through people and people on fucking shore. She was yelling, why you walk and do the wedding? Motherfuckers. Did you say motherfuckers? She didn't notice. All right. We done.
Starting point is 02:29:03 We're done. She didn't notice. All right. We done. We're done. I'll be at the Tempe improv with Mark Norman. We're doing a live podcast on the Thursday. Then we're co-headlining the rest of the week together. That's the Tempe improv tickets are available.
Starting point is 02:29:15 If you read my lips, what is that? You and Mark, come on up to the date. Oh, thank you. All right. Oh, come on. This is why you're doing so well. August 25th. It's on the comic. It says dates. August 25th and 20th and 24th of the 26. Whatever that weekend is if this comes out of Monday next weekend.
Starting point is 02:29:33 What if that was it? If it's really good, but promoting you to all it is. That's it. That's why people. Teppey and Prev and then Rocktober. I'll be at Rooster Teeth feathers. October 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, the whole week. I love that club. I'm a big band. Sarah's coming with me. Where is it? It's in Sunnyvale, California, and it's a nice room and they're really good to me.
Starting point is 02:29:54 So come to that and then Vermont Comedy Club, the weekend before Christmas. I love that club. Yeah, great club. And so comedianjoulist.com and check out Tuesdays with stories. We're all gay. It's, uh, you know, three of us have a show now too. We don't know the next date is though. Yeah, maybe October. You guys doing a show together. Yeah. Where? And a rumpus room of the fucking, uh, the cancers. PS 109, Mr. Mrs. Cancer's place. Like a little black box theater. The first show we had Louis CK Greg Fitzsimmons, David Tell, Big
Starting point is 02:30:25 J. Okerson, Irish affair. I'll get invited when it's over. I was fighting for you and they kept mixing it. No. Why? It was one on two. Why would you do that? I was like, it's gotta be Bobby. We gotta get Bobby for the first one. Why would you let me talk to him? I can't idea. He said Dave's 40% better and I said, all right, fine. I said, let's just give Dave some more time to say yes or no. Up until the day before the show. All right. What do you got? Scopo? I'll beat the red clay comedy festival. That's fine.
Starting point is 02:30:53 I did it last year. The damage good. Good. Great time. Where is it? Atlanta. Oh, great. So I'll be there. Listen to my podcast, sweet buddies on iTunes. We got a lot of YKW defense. It's great. Now, let's thanks for that. You got it. Thank you Yeah, I'll be available August 19th
Starting point is 02:31:11 I know right you want to fucking marry these two assholes. No, I don't want that Don't let him sit the crusher with his badass Want a baby sit max He'll crush it with his badass. I want a baby sit max. No ass. Bring the ass. I was like, I can't bring my kid to the fucking, I thought, now I'm gonna get a bit. It's gonna cost me work with you.
Starting point is 02:31:31 Let me redo your sentence for you. Thank God I don't have to bring my kid to the wedding. The fucking open bar. We're gonna rip it. Oh, yeah, I don't drink. I don't drink. The kid would have had a fucking blast at the wedding. And we would have all had a way where I'm gonna take my dick out in front of your kid.
Starting point is 02:31:45 So what? He's gonna go, Ari's peepee. Oh, Ari's got a big peepee. Nice, I like this kid. Yeah, my kid would have had a blast. Now, 120 bucks is gonna cost me. I think you mean Sarah can have a glass of champagne? A glass. Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 02:32:00 Do that. You're not having any, right? Is Quinn coming? No. he said no Wow did you ask him to marry you first? No, you're lying. No, he's not even coming Why is any coming It's busy Saturday he's home. He's a comedian you dumb dumb. Yeah, he's not gigging anywhere. He's home. Comedians work. I do too. And am I working? I might be working. Anyways, um, the 17th, I'm doing a
Starting point is 02:32:31 great show. Stand up for hunger. Stand up to hunger in Boston at the Wilber Theatre for the Maddie in the morning show. Maddie in the morning, Gary Gullman, Dom Myrera, uh, uh, in Shirley Comedy. Uh, I can't what Dom called me last night. I never when it's an LA number, I never answer. It's only bad news. It's yeah, I didn't well. Yeah. So, but it was him. I got to call him back tonight. Well, I love Dom. You like Dom? Dom's great. And of
Starting point is 02:32:56 course, Gary, I love it's great. It's a 17th at the Wilbert theater in Boston. And then I am going to side as put as I get a bunch of new dates that are going up tonight. I haven't put them up yet. So they'll be going up, but the next date is the 17th.
Starting point is 02:33:12 I'm gonna throw up if you keep moving. Go now, scroll back to the top, to the top. The 28th, the 28th to the 30th, albeit side splitters. I, Ian wants to do it. I don't, what are you gonna do? Fly yourself down there? You want me to fly you and then put you up? I got family lives there. Do you want to just what are you gonna do? You're just gonna take the gig? Yeah, I've worked there before. Ian, I'm gonna take a pool stick and break it in half and you guys can fight it out. I have room for one on my team in conhost. Can I do it?
Starting point is 02:33:49 It'd be funny if Ari really did it just so you two don't get it No, I'm just gonna ruin my whole schedule, but I'll go down there. Just go and you fucking do it. That's hilarious So check it out robacadolive.com This has been a very emotional podcast and uh So check it out robacadolive.com. This has been a very emotional podcast. And I appreciate, I'm glad to be back. Lauren, where you got, babe? Just at Lauren Cabera.
Starting point is 02:34:12 Lover. What do you got there, sexy? Scopo 2.0. At Raccoon Mario, on social media. All right. We got some big news coming out. Not big news. It's good news coming out. We're news. It's good news coming out.
Starting point is 02:34:26 We're announcement to make for the riot cast. Open Anthony are getting back together on this podcast. Everybody. Mornings from seven to 11 morning. Morning. Mornings podcast. That's all thing about podcast. And the afternoons.
Starting point is 02:34:42 Yeah. Ron and that together. Fezd Robert. Fezd. Yeahin Fes is coming back. Back together, Fes Dobra. Fes, it's going to be a good one. Yeah. Who else is on? Who else is covered? We got Rodin Fes. Yeah. After that follows open Anthony.
Starting point is 02:34:53 Yeah. And then after that is Delma Louise. Yeah, I thought Arty. Is it? Arty's back with Sturren. Arty and Nick. Arty and Sturren are coming in. Yeah, Sturren's coming to the Rykees network.
Starting point is 02:35:02 Yeah. He's going to do like an hour a week. Where did they hear it first? Oh, they heard it here first. You heard it here first, that everything's happening. You guys are the best fans in the world. Thanks for listening. Spread the word.
Starting point is 02:35:13 And if you want to become a premium member, the podcast that me and Ari did before he fucking threw me out of the bus when we were fucking bonding on a mountain. I gotta hear that too, but that sound quality. Um, is, it's me, Huffing and Puffing. when we were fucking bonding on a mountain. I gotta hear that too, but that sound quality. Is it's me, Huffing and Puffing. It's me just going, sorry. How you gonna help and you're smoking a cigar?
Starting point is 02:35:33 Maybe you can make it into Huffington Post. That's up under the premium. I put one with Steve Byrne, the one with me and Ari, hiking up a mountain, smoking cigars. I want to thank San Heiser, the best fucking mics in the world for hooking us up for that, for making those podcasts the one on one's hospital. They are the best mics. I got the two AVX's, cordless mics hooked them up to my iPhone. We walked up a mountain. I walked far away from you. You're a hundred feet away from me. In the, he's starting, he just walked into the woods 30 meters away, 30 meters away. And he's in the woods and we started bushwacking
Starting point is 02:36:14 it because he's fucking crazy. Walked to the woods doing this podcast. It's for premium members only right now. Go to you know what do Robert kill's you know what dude app on iTunes or Android? Yeah, I know that one ninety nine one ninety nine. No, it's free The app is free to become a premium member is ninety nine Sense that's the sea with the line through it Ninety nine cents. It's up to podcasts right now premium members go become a member. You know what dude, see you next week. Checkoutryocas.com For all the best podcasts on the internet And they're all free And they're all free Con Volotea, la región de Murcia
Starting point is 02:37:20 Nunca ha estado tan cerca Espectacularismos, monumentos, Rincones de película Y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad.
Starting point is 02:37:36 Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.

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