Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Sleep Driving, iPhone4 and More

Episode Date: June 30, 2010

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Oh, this is Robert Kelly. Podcasts number seven. I'm driving in a car. I'm doing 60, 72 miles an hour and it's 4 to 2 in the AM. I'm exhausted. I'm fucking tired. My eyes are flickering. I've almost fallen asleep twice.

My wife didn't know that. So I'm going to do a podcast, say the fuck up, and I'm exhausted. I think I might change the podcast name. I know it's fucking dude, you know what dude, whatever. I think I might change it too. Ooh, look, the sun is coming up. That's not what I'm going to change it to, ooh look the sun is coming up. That's not what I'm gonna change it to. I just looked to the right and I saw that the sun was coming up. So I think I might change it to Robert Kelly just talking to myself. Because that's what this fucking thing is. It's me talking to myself on my fucking brand new iPhone 4 so anyways

I'm in a car I'm fucking exhausted I'm driving to New Hampshire right now for my little week vacation I'm gonna be up here for the fourth. I'm gonna do a little fly fishing a little fucking match in the hatch some writing some exercising some kayaking some shopping some eating some relaxing A bunch of fucking hoogaroo. I don't even know what that means. I just made that up. As I'm speaking right now, just so you know that my wife is sitting next to me. Just staring at me.

She's shaking your head. Um, let's talk. Let's talk number one. Let's talk. I got my iPhone 4 and it is a fucking beautiful piece of machinery. Physically it's fucking amazing. an amazing cause. The whole thing with the antenna being dropped, not a problem. Haven't had that problem. The whole thing with the yellow line to the phone, not a problem. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? The iPhone 4 came out on Thursday. And I had my assistant call up for me in Norton,

the Apple store and say, hey, I got two mediocre fucking kind of celebrities and they want to come in and get the fuck. And the first person was like, no, that ain't gonna happen. I talked to the manager and they said no. And Kathy was fucking insanely awesome. You know, anybody else would have took no for an answer, but not her. She said, you talk to the wrong manager, get another one. And the guy was a guy, and he went and got another one, and the next one said, yeah, absolutely, we would take care of him. So, we walked in right at the front door, passed a huge fucking line, and there was somebody waiting there, and a brown shirt,

which was weird, who took us over to a little air-mac and hooked us up. It took fucking minutes. We both walked out with our iPhone 4. And it's funny too, because Norton didn't think it was going to happen. He's such a fucking pessimist. He thinks it's not going to happen. They're going to let us do that.

They're not saying it's going to happen. Fuck that. There was no way I was waiting in line and there was no way I was waiting for it. Even though I really, in a mad gay way, want a white iPhone. I don't know why, but anyways. Got the iPhone. It's fucking amazing amazing Anybody who's got it? It's it's fucking amazing The video is just fantastic the flash is great The camera on the front is amazing I Don't have the fucking problem with the drop calls because of the antenna, but I got the bumper. I bought the bumper.

Now you guys don't see this. The fact that Apple has never ever come out with a case for one of their phones, ever, ever. for one of their phones. Ever. Ever. I don't even know if Apple has ever made an Apple case for a phone. Okay. Now they come out with a case for it that just goes around the bumpers. They don't even protect the back of the phone that's glassed by the way. And they come out with a case for it. If they fucking knew this shit, when they made the phone, that's why they came over the cases. And they're not gonna fucking give it to you.

If you're afraid, they're gonna charge you 30 bucks like everybody else and make an extra 30 dollars off you. Because you get shit reception or your phone calls die if you touch the fucking antenna in a certain way. So I have the case. I have no problem. I love the case. Case, I'm a big fan of the bumper.

And I've used the iMovie, which is fantastic. You cannot still, the problem. You can't do a big movie and email to somebody. It just doesn't work. But this is fucking weird as you can MMS it to somebody. So, but the most amazing thing on the iPhone is the FaceTime. It's the future, it's fucking crazy, it's fucking nuts. It's what we've been all waiting for.

I mean, shit. Video calling. The fuck voice calling, video calling, get the fuck a watch them of the fucker, that's unbelievable, so I have some fucking Tony Stark shit right there, but all in all, do you need to get the fucking iPhone 4 now? If you have the iPhone 3GS, you're fine. For a while. It's not that much greater shit. You get the OS update with your phone anyways.

So you get all the little bells and whistles, but, you know, if you get the cash and you're a fucking apple guy like me, go get it, it's the shit and fuck all the fucking haters, fuck all the nays living on a phone. My fucking call drops on you good. Call me back. Hit the fucking button. Takes two seconds. You can give a shit. I love the phone. It's a great phone.

I'm doing this podcast on this fucking phone. So yeah. Number two. I'm talking about some UFC shit and some MMA shit actually. Fade off, Mally and Ancdoth got tapped out. Triangle, you know, everybody's all fucking, oh my god, he got beat, he got beat. Yeah, he got beat, he's a fighter, he's fighting another guy. The fuck, it's bound to happen.

And, so he got knocked the fuck out. He got caught, he got caught out there in a triangle. He just used the fucking crazy man. So if you know if you got knocked the fuck out, a knock down and then submitted, I can see it, but he knocked the guy down. He was going into the kill and got a little sloppy. He got caught in a fucking triangle.

A savage triangle and he tapped the fuck out. But how long did it take him to tap out? He didn't want to tap out. He didn't want to fucking tap out. Every saying it's a Russian mob and it was a scam. The fucking guy got caught. That's that said he got caught with a triangle He tapped the fuck out. He was out there and got caught He's only fucking human

But it doesn't mean that he's less bad or less fucking Pomp upon the best fighter. I would love to see him and come in here and fight a guy like Frank Meir Who I love a Randy get tour who I love to see him come in here and fight. A guy like Frank Meir, who I love, a Randy Gator, who I love. Be great fight. I don't want to see him fight Brock Lesnar or Shane Conner. I want to see those fucking monsters fight each other. But, you know, Fador, to me, is still fucking an exciting, unbelievable fighter.

Why? Because he's a big fat Russian that fucking submits people and knocks people out and he's been doing it forever. So fuck you. One fight. Everyone wants to take everything away from him. Fuck you. Jesus Christ. Right now I'm driving through fucking, I think clouds. I think I'm in the mountains. I just drove through a cloud or as a fucking huge ghost. A wood's ghost. I don't know what it was, but it was kind of creepy. My wife is sleeping now. I'm struggling to stay alive, but it's alright. We're very close to the destination. So as far as echoes, now we got Shane Collin and you got Shane Collin and fucking Brock Lesnified. And I tell you this man, I think Brock is scared. I've seen his

interviews. He ain't talking tough tough. He ain't the fucking alpha male. He ain't that goddamn Conan the barbarian. He's kind of a little reserved here and there. And Shane Conway, man, has got a fucking, he said the fucking a thousand y'all stare for the longest time about this fight. And if you see them when they bump fist together, from the last time they met, look at the size of Shane Collins' fist. Oh my God. He's fucking... He's got buses on the end of his fucking hands, man. I think Shane's gonna knock him the fuck out and everybody else does too.

But you know what? Brock Lesnar is a fucking champion and he's still a monster. And the last thing in the world he wants is to get that belt taken away from him. He's going to have to fight somebody else to get it back. He's going to have to fight a Frank Meir. He's going to have to fight somebody else to get that fucking belt back. And I don't think he wants to do it. I think he wants to beat,

carwind, and keep his fucking bell. And then he should fight Fator. They should do whatever it takes. But again, I'm just rambling. I don't know the fuck of my... I don't know anything about anything. But I'm just giving you my humble opinion about this. Fator, my eyes still the man. Fuck you. I'm just giving you my humble opinion about this

Fade or in my eyes still the man fuck you still the man. I love watching a fight. I'll watch them fight anytime Frank Shane Conor and Brock Lesnar I Have a feeling that Shane Conor is going to Knock him out, but I really think that Brock knows that he's gonna stay away from his heavy hands, take him down and try to fucking crucify him. So it's gonna be a great fight, it's next week, it's gonna be sick, I can't wait to see it. I'll be up in the hamster, but I'm gonna find a place to watch it which would be fun. And Twilight, the Eclipse movie comes out which I'll be going to say this weekend. Because my wife is a big fucking fan. I like him too, I don't give a shit what you say about me.

I like a good vampire movie with a good fucking liking in it. Now, what else? I went to two weddings this week. Fucking weddings, man. I just, I mean, upfront. The weddings I went to, they kinda got them right. The first one was out in Virginia. You know, it's like driving out to fucking Virginia is crazy. I think all weddings should be held like on the coast. Either New York City or fucking Long Sandals, that's it. You know, Virginia's way the fuck out there.

But me and my wife made it into a road trip, which is cool. We fucking hid it, got out there, spent the night, and the family came out. We all went to this, ah, it was cool, man. It was all right. The wedding was a quick boom. It went in. I do I do. Let's go They went over they started, you know, went to the There's a wet of vineyard

You know, which is cool, you know, and then we ate some food and by 9.30 we were like, let's let's fucking hit it We fucking hit it. It was a rap, which was crazy, man. Mostly, most time weddings just go forever. Fucking, ever and ever. But there's one nice and easy. But then we had to drive back to New York. So I still think they're wetting any

Couples that get married and they have this fucking huge formal event and Then fight all their friends and family and it's like come to us wherever the fuck you are It's like fuck It's gonna cost me $400 to get to you Then it does $200 to put in a fucking card Shit man 600 dollars because you decided to fucking try to stay together for the rest of your life. Fuck you. Pay me. Pay me now. So if you're my friend, don't, uh, someone asked me to be the best man to last week. It's not not happening I don't have the fucking cash to drop two thousand

dollars because you want a best man fuck you man no way man no fucking way sweating and that whole tradition is just a waste of fucking money a waste of time just go get married make it about you just go get married, make it about you, and you know, don't make it about us, you want your fucking accolades, you want everybody to be like, oh my god, look at the back of it! Oh, and I'm not saying it's not emotional, I'm not saying that it's not fucking, you know, I'm not saying that man, fucking, weddings are a tear-drinkering. There's a lot of emotions.

I don't know what means a lot to, you know, the mother and father and some shit like that. But you know what? Me and my wife fucking alope. We broadcasted it live over the internet. If you wanted to watch it, watch it. If you don't, don't. You know, but we wanted to go to Maui. And we didn't want to spend all our fucking money on a fucking hall and between my family and

her family. And all my friends, no one's gonna come. No one of my comic friends is gonna come, which is gonna hurt my feelings and make me fucking feel like shit. I'm not gonna drive to Boston. Of course not. So you know, fuck that. Fuck that junk. You're gonna get married. Just a lope. Save your money. Save your time.

Don't waste my time. Don't waste my money. I gotta get a fucking shirt and a tie because you're getting fucking married. Go fuck yourself. So you can sit at the number one table for the first time in your life and be in charge of everybody for the first time in your life. Fuck you. Just do that all the time and you won't have to fucking worry about it.

Oh, fucking. There's the first kiss, the first dance. Then they put a fucking garter up our leg and you throw it in the back and whoever catches it. Oh, the fucking, that's the first kiss, the first dance. Then they put a fucking garter up our leg and he throw it in the back and whoever catches it. Oh, bullshit. Fucking bullshit. When can I go? When the fucking I get out of here?

Saying that now, I went to Nome's wedding. Who owns the comedy cell? I already got married to Juanita. Fucking brilliant wedding. Very original. Cool place. There's an old synagogue and fucking these village that purple lights, it was almost like fucking prints,

fucked Apollonia in there, it was amazing. The sun actually just came up, I've been driving all fucking night, it's 4.30, just to let you know, I'm fucking exhausted I am fucking exhausted but I'm doing this podcast to save my life my wife is asleep the dogs are asleep and I can't go to sleep so I have three more exits to hit hopefully I'll make them but and I'm doing seventy i think it's a sixty five or some share but anyways yeah these fucking weddings man

this one i went to beautiful live band the cafe wild band uh... the village underground band these guys were amazing no man one-eater and all comics bend baili charade norton nictopolo and one needer and all comics, Ben Bailey, Sharad, Norton, Nick DePolo, Tom Popper actually married them, which was hilarious, Modi and Sharad a little bit together, which was fun. Everybody was cracking jokes. It was actually a really funny, funny wedding and heartfelt at the same time. So that was a fucking interesting wedding, man. I have to say they did it right.

The two weddings that I went to were very quick, very fast, and we were out of there, you know, bamboam, which was great. I love it. But, you know, I still think it's like, come on, Jesus Christ, just fucking get married and leave me the fuck out of it. I got shit to do man. I don't need to spend my money on you. Just go get married and save your own money. Take all the money you're spending on your bullshit wedding and save it. And go somewhere nice that you want to fucking go. uh... shit me fuck. anyways. I went to the weddings. They're all over.

next week I'm heading up to Montreal. Montreal, Canada. doing the nasty show with Greg Jeralde hosting hosting Jim Norton's and Rich Vos in myself Which I can't fucking wait it'll be good time. I can't wait to get I love Montreal man God I love Canada. I love doing shows in Canada

really do I fucking love it and They asked me to do it again, which I man just for laughs is a fun fun fun festival really is just a fun festival so I am very excited to go back up there and hang out and do some shit what else so that's about it, man. Next week is the festival. I got some cool announcements to make coming up soon right now, but very soon. And I could just be saying that to see you get excited. All you have to be saying that, and you can be like, you know, and I really do. And you're a fucking idiot.

But who knows, I'm so tired right now. Woo! I got a fucking stay up. Nah, shit. So, anyways, um, so Montreal, I got Columbus, Fonniebone, Ohio, and Vegas is coming up and I might be going to Mark O'Island. I don't know yet, I haven't made it my decision yet, but this is the way you do it. You go to my website, you go to my dates, and you find out when the fuck I'm coming in.

And then you know, you do, you spread the word, man. Tell everybody, like even this podcast, tell people to listen this, retweet it, after I fucking put it up there, or share it on Facebook, email your friends, the link, and just say, it's on iTunes, fucking download it if you're a mother fucking whatever oh my

god right now I feel like I'm like like I took a fucking drug that turned you into a fucking Chinese person I can't keep my eyes they're just little slits and Nothing on that one no all right That's about it man. We're up here fucking the hamsters the next week I'll be doing another one of these podcasts a little more awake a little more fucking alive with some shit Some other shit, so I don't even know what that means. I'm so fucking tired. I'm fucking gouging out. I don't even gouging. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean like gouging. I meant like geeking shit. I don't even know what anyway as well. There's a sign up here. I'm gonna read this Pro

multiple work zones R.D. road work next 80 miles fuck me. Who's doing road work if they don't road work now fucking assholes So that's about it man. I'm out. I'm gonna fucking get the fuck open that up for me turn the music up All the way here we go y el fuck, se ha podido abrirlo para mí, y hacerle música, todo el camino, aquí estamos, un beso, el fuck, later.

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