Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Stagoni

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Robert is joined by Michael Che, Kurt Metzger, Chris DeStefano and Chris Scopo. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Activa es lúnico. Porque a diferencia de otros, Activa ha demostrado que sus millones de probióticos naturales llegan vivos a la microviota. ¡WOW! Y además ayuda a tu salud digestiva. Activa. 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno,

3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno. Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu del 3 por uno en medianas a domicidios solo pidiendo el line. ¿Saparao? tres por uno, tres por uno, oh no no no. ¡Dominos!

Pizza. ¿Suéñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grazo en el extranjero, de la Fundación La Caixa. Puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate o veca en Fundación la Caixa.com. America's favorite one day fantasy sports site. No matter what your sport is, college or pro, basketball, baseball,

even golf. DraftKings is awarded huge cash prize this month during March millions. Already, this is a fact, man. Some guy named James Tran won a million bucks in one day. One day fantasy sports means no season long commitments. No being stuck with crappy players. Just instant cash, instant gratification. That's what we all like. Instant gratification. That's my whole life. Drugs, alcohol, women, comedy. Now I can do it at DraftKings.com.

Right now you can play for free to win real cash at DraftKings.com. Up to 200 million bucks. Pick any sport, but called basketball. The madness has already started and free spots are going quick. Enter Kelly at DraftKings.com before Friday for your free entry. That's Kelly at DraftKings.com. DraftKings.com. Welcome, welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down. And sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's intense. No topics of direction. I love doing it. This podcast has no rules. Can I get a microphone?

I'm sure I've already said to the record. It's rubber killing. You know what, dude? You know what, dude? I know what, dude. I guess... Unblighted cast, I can't... I can't...

...tide... ...the... ...browing... ...it... I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited!

I'm so excited! I'm so excited! Alright, check it out! We're live! Welcome! Are you fucking weirdos and losers who are fucking up right now watching this on your iPad You're on your computer watching this that's fucking sad In fact, you don't have a tablet

in 2014 You know fucking tablets free When you open a savings account right now We got a great show tonight. This is a late night show. I got two of my favorite. These are the next gen. These are the fucking guns that are right on our ass.

Are you being honest? Yeah, I'm fucking being absolutely honest. This, these, I got two of the mother fuckers that me and Keith and Quinn talk about. I remember Patrice used to talk about all the time These motherfuckers they're right there Bobby these fucking little young lions They're playing they're hanging Hangin' on but they're waiting to the grow their fucking main and to come up and challenge you in front of the fucking pack circle of life Man just zip bro just fuck and to come up and challenge you in front of the fucking pack. Circle of life, man. That's it, bro. Just fuck, ah!

Fuck it, I can't sit at the table, because you two assholes. You don't get up, I walk in, you don't get up. Right now, one of you would probably, oh, you want to sit down and move over at least. There's gonna be a day where you guys just keep talking. Oh, yeah. Fucking daddy, Bob. Go fucking take care of your kid.

But you know what, the best part about it is guys You'll be here too. That's no problem. What do you will? Why do you will? Yeah, why do you want? Why do you make it really big? My fantasy is that someday you can't sit down because my bag is on a chair That would that would make me happy. I got the joke You know it didn't get the joke Chris I don't know what that was. Chris go for anybody listening to this fucking yeah, I got it. You got it. You actually did my joke. You just made it more wordy and less funny.

Yeah, well, it was it was a little like it was a little. We got Michael Che. What's that? Um, one of my favorite new friends and new guys around. And the guy that just told that joke, Chris the staff. No, Chris the staff. No, that was it. That was it.

That was it. That was it. That was it. Chris has been on the show before. It's another one of my favorites. He's fucking tearing it up. And then who just came in late, because he's a pot head. That's why you're not. You're not.

Because Bill Burr just got bumped by Seinfeld down there. OK. And Keith would not let it go. I had to just watch how much he smashed Bill. Because Bill. Yeah. Fucking hell. How he let it go. I had just watch how much you smash bill because bill They could have just told Bill like hey, son phones going on but but Linda and Seinfeld came up to Bill So we're all sitting at the table so we're all like froze and Bill you go listen Bill and they're just talking and don't know bill Seinfeld's like trying to tell them I'm taking

Listen, I'm gonna go on by I just notice some things today and I want to get them on. Yeah, yeah, and then he goes, I know he's doing a foul or something and then fucking bills like, yeah, so you're about to do an electric car that, they got fast one to slow. He just started sputtering this shit about cars. I like, I like I think he's what he won't let it go. He's fucking

He's three swirls in yeah, he's a bad time that that happened to Very bad time because he downstairs I locked the door actually can you go a lot? I don't want to come on up go lock the door. I don't want him showing up But I take his scobo. I'm like you want me to see Bill wants to come off Then he just Bobby said now I didn't say no The reason why it's fucking this in Jesus Christ. What are you fucking Howard Stern? I Didn't say no. Yeah, I said no What do you mean? Do you know what I mean? No, just because I had to get the show going I want you guys on I got to get the fuck out here

I got a kid at the house. I'm not waiting fucking 45 minutes until Signed Phil gets on and then Bill gets off and now it's one in the morning. You guys I you guys are on the show It's I don't want to fuck you guys either No, that's alright. Every time by the way every time I see Signfel, he like I can see in his eyes He remembers me from what? When I got fired off Papa show you got fired off a what? I was doing crowdworm up for one day on the marriage dress Right? No, I don't remember that yeah You got fired off a what I was doing crowd warm up for one day on the marriage dress right? Now I don't remember that yeah, Papa and the chick from West County standing

They were like nice and hooked me up with this job because they Joey Cola I guess was the original guy one of the nicest guys in show business What great warm up guy unbelievable professional warm up guy which I usually don't like those guys because then you do a show with them And they do 40 minutes and where'd you get that chair? What do you do? Fucking fuck off. Then I go through and try to tell Joe and they're like, now make fun of our shirts. Yeah.

But Joey is one of the fucking good ones. Yeah, so Jerry, I guess, decided like he was sick of this warm up. Like he, he wanted to try doing a just a regular comic doing jokes instead of a warm up guy, right? Just to like see. So I show up, so then they they so Papa came to me. I'm like, all right, I could do a clean, probably warm-up stuff.

You? Yeah. I could, I, I, I, I didn't mean that just came out. I'm sorry. But it's that you're not wrong. You're very right. I just talked to you on a fucking daily. It's just disgusting. And I'll just do it. He didn't get fired in one day. Well, yeah, he's yeah, I'm like, terrible. By the way, Joe, I should never have been removed from that position. Like, so I show up and, oh, so the Steinbergs are managing me then, right? And then Evan calls me, like, oh, buddy, here's the money. And it was like 1500 a day. Wow.

Nice. Dude, for like 30, it was like some long amount of time. I was like, I got emotionally attached to that money before like anything would like doing the job. And then, so I show up. And like, not only was I, I mean, I was okay, I got emotionally attached to that money before I did anything with doing the job. And then so I show up. And not only was I, I mean, I was okay, like myself, but I fucked up every, I walked in front of a camera and shit on my way out.

And like, do I just, there's no reason to joke, Cola should ever have been taken off and be put in there. But this is the first thing I ever did where I got fired, you know, any day. So I get off stage and then everyone's like not talking to me like isn't it kind of say something real quick This business is such a fucking shit It's one of them fucking levels of hell. I swear to God. It's in Dante's in Fernow. Yeah, yeah show business should be because this fucking business you walk in

It's the best time of your life because this fucking business, you walk in, it's the best time of your life. People are treating you like a god. And one second, one person doesn't like you. The people that just talked about your family and they showed you pictures of their kid and you're gonna get together and they're gonna come to your show.

They ignore you because they don't wanna fucking deal with the confrontation. Yeah, dude I had no idea what happened. I thought it was kind of went fine Even though you know share a path. You know what? Probably what yeah, you're like Like I was like butter fingers. We should I almost kiss Kurt on the lips at the stand last week Remember that like a cigarette breath dude, so he says his breath He's out cigarette breath and that's what my ex girlfriend's breath I was used to smell like and I fucking gotten tr entranced, and thank God, thank God there

was people there. It almost really. Yeah. So the guy code of silence almost fucks it was nasty. The guy code, that's not guy code. That would have been not guy code. Yeah. They'll never kiss a guy.

Sean, let me know what you think. Sean, I've been breaking every fucking code in the book. Well, so nobody's talking, so I have no idea that I'm, so I sat through the whole fucking, I could have just left. I sat through the whole goddamn show like fake laughing with the fucking couples and shit. And then at the end, so I thought just like, let me just, all right, you shook my hand and I'm like,

and next day, I still thought I was going back. And I was like, yeah, tomorrow's another day. And then you're a fucking shit life where you got fired. Yeah, and then every day. Would you show up, please tell me you showed up? No, I haven't called me in the morning before I was about to leave. Body. Yup. Just like that. Body. They say they want to go a different direction. You're getting jock hola back. So, uh, so then later that night I was doing these web interviews for Comedy Central, right? Where we go for the New York Comedy Festival.

There's more to the story. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. So while I was in the dressing room, you know his man. Fucking put in shade of sleep. Speed it up when you put it in the cycle's manager. Like the legendary guy that I discovered in California. What's his name? Shapiro? Something like that. Yeah, he's old man. So he's in the dressing room going on about how he has a step counter

and counts all his steps per day. And he's up to a lot of steps, right? Right. Fascinating. Yeah. So I'm at the red carpet day., right? Right. Fascinating. Yeah. So I'm at the red carpet day. So I just got fired that day.

Yeah. Here comes Seinfeld with that manager. Yeah. Okay. And I've got to try and try to get Seinfeld. I'm like, oh, this should be good. And then his fucking manager comes first. So I jump on the manager and I go, hey, I heard you're taking a lot of steps now and you

got a step count. Like, he forgot that he just told me that story earlier. And Seinfeld just sees me talking to the dude and like, I've never seen somebody make a face like, it was like, you still are here. Like, I thought I had you killed, you know? Like, and he just hussled him off. And every time he sees me, he just looks at me

like the fucking, like a bug basically. I don't like it. The way we all look at you. Yeah, but different. It's from Seinfeld. Listen, that's Kurt. But he's Kurt Madskir opening up the show with a story that fell off a cliff.

Dude, I thought you were gonna get fucking this. Yeah, I don't know. Then you're in a fucking, we can't see. I'm gonna get that fucking, who gets that fuck? I could have sold it. I could have sold it.

I could have sold it. Oh, shit. I could have sold it, but then you kind of took my confidence in it. We got Chrissy D. Yep. From, I mean, you're... You're fucking...

Here's the thing. There's so many levels of this business in the room right now. I mean, Mike, you're fucking exploding. Not really. Yeah, you humble, which I like, but it makes me want to fucking hate you more. Mike, you're fucking ch chase, humbleness. I know. If every, do you know what I'm saying?

I wish you knew, it's not that. I'll take it, but it's not that. Listen, brother. Listen, you've been fucking doing comedy for eight weeks. Okay, you're already closing before me at the seller. Fuck you and fuck everybody else, all right? Then you got Chrissy D, Jesus Christ, you're still doing the guy code thing?

What's going on? All that stuff, all that. How's the tour going? You're still on that fucking tour with the two bros? No, that stopped. Really? Now it's just me.

Yeah, it's just me and the other. Can you talk about this stuff for you? Yeah, sure. No, yeah, you know, we... I kind of want to hear about this. I fucking want to hear about this. You want to hear about it? You want to understand, we've been fucking trashing you.

Really? Why? In a good way. Not be not, we love you. Everybody in the show loves you. But just the fact that we know you, you're a fucking guy. You're one of us. And you're on a fucking tour with two brothers of a new comedy for eight seconds. I know.

And it must have been a hard thing to, look, I've been on tour with other guy comics. It's hard It's the best thing ever to be on tour. I love it Right, but to be on the tour we eat chick Yeah, and then the thing fell apart on tour dude. That's fucking crazy I don't even know about this. Yeah, it was difficult man I mean, you know, we were everything was good and then you know and then you go on the tour and then we break up and It was rough because now you got two girls who are friends who are just teaming up against me

and talking about, my ex is talking about her new life in front of me, she's talking about it on stage, she's burying me on stage with telling the crowd private things, I'm coming up to booze, I have to dig myself. Wait, wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait. For the mean thing, but she's on the market, I just want to.

She is, yes, to go after you, yeah, she's like, yeah. You, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think she was I don't know I had to let go of the whole situation I'll let you for you man. First of all, everything is allegedly. Yeah, then you won't get in trouble. Yeah, I mean look, I don't know, you know, like whatever, you know, whatever it is it is. I mean, you know, I just can't. Are you going good terms, man? No, I mean, I would, I mean, it's not on me. Are you fucking listening?

I wasn't in the beginning, no. I tried, dude, I tried to do everything I could to like, you know, I think about where that sign phone story went wrong and I did not listen the whole first time Well, here's the thing you lost us that George Shapiro step count So then I'm in line and then Jerry gives me a face that I can't explain on it Yeah, I fucking it was like a chick story kind of Really girl coded why don't you replay you can replace probably can Yeah, listen, yeah, we tell you some we got chemistry with my breath

I want to get breath now it's not great. It's I want to get back to this You're on you create this is phenomenal fucking overnight success you hit mm-hmm I mean really not I don't know it's same thing like Mike. I mean, I don't I don't think of it Well, he look at mics. It's you hit, what Mike did is a little different, I think. I think Mike, both of you guys were kind of doing the same thing. And, but you hit on to a show that was a hit with kids on MTV, okay?

That's a little different, Mike, you guys are both doing the same thing in your careers. You know, where you're getting stuff and you're moving up and you're stepping up in the clubs and all that. But you hit on to something that was overnight. You went from thousands of followers on Twitter to hundreds of thousands because of this show,

Guy Code and Girl Code, and then you were dating one of the girls on Girl Code, which fucking went holy shit for you. And which was all, look, make fun of it or not, like those shows or not. There's no, I've said it, there's no way, none of you guys are gonna turn it down out of, I just wanna be respected.

No, you fucking take the money, you do the shows, you go on the tours, you learn, you make your bones, and then when the dust settles, then you go back to the clubs and you work on your acting, and then you get the next thing, whatever but this this thing fucking was nuts. Yeah, so you're on this crazy ride with this Smoke and hot chick. Yeah, I mean this is fucking nuts and you're touring together This is the best of everything. Yeah, were you guys date? I don't know why I thought you guys were dating and then both Ended up on the show. Did you meet from the show? No, no, no, no. I met her.

I had already filmed. Girl code didn't even exist yet. I met her. I just filmed the first season of Guy Code. And then I met her at a stand-up comedy club. And we, I introduced her to the same guy that created Guy Code, created Girl Code. So I really?

Really? Yeah. I was like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. What do you hurt? Yeah. Girl. I, oh, I am that's all. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What do you hurt? Yeah. So I, you know, I can leave. Yeah. So they saw her.

She was doing a show with me and they saw her. But I mean, she got on the show fair and square. Like, you know, I didn't, some people, like my boy's like, ah, you know, fuck her. You made her career. I'm like, no, I didn't. You know, she, she did her own thing. She wrote, I didn't write her jokes for her.

She wrote her own jokes, you know. I mean, I can't talk to the people, but to the people, but my that would have been worse. But I mean, look, she's, I had to just come to, I mean, it was brutal for me. It was really like the worst two months of my life, but I just had to get to a place where just, can I ask you a question though? Do you think that this being on tour, what's up, Bubba? Yeah, what do you need? Come in.

Come in. What is that? This is from Amy. Amy. Amy Schumer. Should I, was she, ha ha ha ha. Schumer?

That is great. Is she on the fucking road, right? You're success. Tell Amy, Amy Schumer is the funniest fucking, this motherfucker. Listen, first of all, if I get, I don't listen, Amy, get me on a one listen Amy you

motherfucker listen when you know she's fucking she's on some tour bus right now she fucking sorry she's probably laughing at us fucking assholes in the stupid room fucking she just had a sold out fucking theater show with Mark robot Norman. Give it up. Well, you're next. Shit. Amy Schumer. What? No, man. He is a chucky cheesebottes.

I don't eat carbs. I look at me. I love salt. Like, you're nine slices of bread. I'm a chicken. You will not fucking break it. Oh, this is normal. I haven't had carbs or sugars in almost six months. Congrats, man. 40 fucking pounds. And't had carbs or sugars in almost six months. Congrats man 40 fucking pounds And that you got to get it out of here because first of all I tell you why you got it out here that fucking smells fantastic

Where did you get that? You're a fucking evil bitch Well, you're a fucking evil bitch Get that the fuck out of here. You're not breaking me and it is not happening. First of all, it's not happening on live video. I'm not fucking letting, if I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna do it in the closet in the fucking holiday and express. All right, thank you, Amy.

She's funny, dude. How funny is that? That is really funny. She's literally one of the funniest human beings walking the planet. I saw her special in Vegas. I was in Vegas, she was in Vegas. She was at the Rivera doing her hour at the theater. I went down. I don't fucking watch comedy

I don't really do that. I went down by myself after my show and watched her Snuck in and saw her do her special dude. She's fucking I was like this like he's like when you like a nine eight nine year comic right? She's but she's fucking works hard was on budget for fucking eight or nine years That's quite how good she is I mean this what I love when a comic goes up and kills from here to here Yeah, there's no fucking law. There's no it doesn't matter if there's a fucking check spot It doesn't matter of none of it matters from here to here fucking an island I actually I forgot that I do comedy. I was like this, like that was fun.

I got you. I want to come again, no I can't. I have a fucking show myself, you fucking fat bald. You still smell this fucking guy. Smells good, does smell good. I'll be touchin'. Do you have to deal by the way

with, cause you dated, what's her name? Is that like every time you go somewhere, that's the thing that's gonna come up as your dumb relationship? Yeah, always. I mean, then Twitter, you know, I mean every time like, you know, still to this day, I'll just I'll get linked in a tweet with her and that like, can't believe she just said that and I'm like, I don't even want to look at what that tweet is. Well, dude, guess what? Because this show, you know, he's totally right. That's great. But you jump on that because it's gonna be forgotten the show pretty quickly. But this bullshit, like we did panels at Sketchfest in San Francisco. So this chick gets up to ask,

it was questioned by Jezzelneck still, like her Amy's day Jezzelneck. People still wanna know, that's an over for a while thing. And then they're in San Francisco and the chick goes up and she goes, now you were in the business with your partner. She's gonna be saying partner

because you know what San Francisco? So it took us like five minutes to figure out she meant fucking Jezzelneck like yeah, I mean, you know Yeah, it's just the kid, you know, they're never gonna give it up But I'm very aware like I feel very blessed to be a part of all this that MTV success, but I'm very aware of that sounds bad Malice a you're blessed to be some No, no, but I'm just saying like I'm very aware Soldiers, no, no I'm quit heroin talk right there. I'm blessed to be'm a way like I'm a way like

No, I know yeah, listen from aware of it though, you're a comedian. You're not an actor. Yeah, all right Listen, we're in a room above a comedy you know, I feel blessed for the gifts that Jesus has given me. What do you mean, like Tom is Dale? Dude, I just mean like I'm aware of that it's 16, 17-year-old kids that I don't want to bring that bullshit into my stand-up life. Like I'm aware when I do these theater, these colleges are fucking sold out. We do 5,000 people theaters, they're sold out, going crazy, and you know, they'll go up there, the girls go girls go up there and again I don't mean to talk shit about they'll kill with whatever and I go up there and try to do my act And it's not received as well, but I'm cool with that because I'm like I want to just be a fucking comic And I know you know

You don't care about me talking about polio, but they want to talk about kegels for fucking three hours And get a plus, but you know what is received well? What does that mean? You know they they, they absolutely crush. Okay. I don't crush nearly as hard as them and I'm okay with you. Are you, what's the order of the show? It depends, you know, Carly usually would go first and then I would go either, you mean Jesse, Jesse May

and I would switch off who goes second. When my ex started talking, when it started to get to the point where She was talking about her new life stuff and it was kind of putting me in a hole a little bit I made a decision. I was like, let me just go up first So I don't have to deal so you know because I had to fucking dig every night And I was like I'm just tired of this. I'm just gonna be fun. Did you say to some do her? Huh, you friends? I mean no, we're not I mean So is it a fuck you like she doing that specifically to say fuck you?

I think she's a newer younger comic that doesn't realize that what she was doing was kind of fucked up, you know and uh, but you like all the she 23 Oh, okay, well, look I want to be honest like on this like I have no like I wish her like all the best like I have no ill will towards her Whatever she feels about me. She feels about me, you know, but it is what it is, you know, I mean she's young She got fame like that. I get it like this all time. She going on her head Did you talk about why you broke up and I didn't hear it? No, well, I'll tell you I mean, I don't fucking care You know, we you know, she wanted me to go, you know, she was just like, you know, you don't you don't do this You don't do that, you know, she she just what don't you do, you know, I guess like man shit I can't fix anything.

I don't, you know, do that. Oh, what? Yeah, your fame is, like, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. Famous people don't have to do man shit. You're right, yeah. Nick can is having that argument. Yeah, you know, you don't fix shit.

You don't fix shit. What do you mean, you don't fix shit, though? What the fuck? Like fucking like what, her luggage or a thing? I don't know. I think look, the bottom line is I think the, you know, the type of family she comes from, she's got, you know, her father, her brother,

their hard labor kind of, you know, old school union Italian guys and that's not the thing. They're on the guy code. Why would you, that'd be splendid. I don't know. Can I just stop was, if there's any fucking dude, old school Italian, it's you. That's all you fucking talk about.

My father and a bat and a fucking. That's him, but I'm not like that. I can't fix anything, you know, I'm not I'm not like that You're a fucking nurse. You know you have a college degree. I mean you're you're a man. I'll hold you 29 Wow, you're better off Jesus. There's a rule that you shouldn't fucking day to check what a headshot You should every day you check with a hot Because he's someone absolute rule I have. Somebody's gonna be better. Somebody's gonna career, someone's career

is gonna go skyrocket. And then someone's gonna be, not to say that hers is the one, but I'm saying you guys, you know, it's gonna be weird. Now you have to tour with your girlfriend and then she starts seeing, she dumps you and you dump her. No, she dumps me. Jay, yeah, yeah. And there's more shit, you know, that happened and all that.

Well, personally, of course, it's a pleasure. Look, I like her. I think she's good. But like, you're clearly the best guy on that thing. Like, oh, thanks man. I mean, you are like, that's a good thing. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Allegedly. I've seen all the shit, like, he's the funniest one of them. By like her, I should not bad. It's just, he's clearly another tangent. No, but what I'm saying is, it's 23, look at him, he's fucking funniest one of them. By Leaker, I should not bad. It's just he's clearly a better con. I know enough another tangent. No, but what I'm saying is, it's 23, he's fucking rough in his eyes when you talk. She should be like, kind of hold on to you because you're the much better, in that dynamic,

you're the much better comic. But now she's got validation like, she's famous too. So in her head she's like, no, I'm as good as this. Yeah, yeah, she's not as good as you. And you know, the main thing was, you know, it hurt like, but then she walked away because she like I don't know somehow went through my messages and shit and found out like in the first month of our relationship I wasn't like as you know, I was your piece of shit

One yeah your PC in the first Now here's the daring the lead here on the store here Bearing the lead. Yeah, the fuck you Goldie, huh Hahn? Yeah, I don't know. We said on my podcast. Yeah, oh, do you? Bill Schultz does. What's the podcast again? Race Wars with who? Curtain Shrod.

On what network? Stan, Stan of New York. You don't even know you fucking idiot. I just walk in. I just walk in and do it. Stan of New York. So, yeah. So you do, it's called Stan of Blabs.

Oh. Fucking idiot. So, I mean, it's, it's, I mean, I I mean, I've never dated a girl who was in the business. I don't think I've ever fucked around with a comedian. I fucked around one. I fucked around with a fat one once. Nice. So, and she really wasn't a comedian.

She did jokes. She was a fat gross model. What about Bob? Have you ever had where you were dating and then they became a comedian after dating you for a little while? Never. Never. Never. I date squares. I date, I date just chicks who want nothing to do with the business. Nothing to do. Like, it has stage fright. Right. Right. Right. Right. And yeah. And I have, I hate, I don't like girls that want to come and see me every fucking night either. I like, my wife, she'll come

and see me on the big events or something that's cool, but she gets it. She's not like guys who show up every fucking night with their girl. It's like, what aren't you fucking sick of this? Yeah, that is really. Yeah, it was a we know where our whole lives are intertwined, you know, but yeah, you're on the road with her. And now the now you fucking finally pop, right? Yeah. You're on the road. You're doing these fucking shows with all these young girls. And you, oh God, the piece of shit that you are, the good looking high cheap bones, Swinney Coxucker from Queens,

who's been waiting his whole life to get this road pussy stories, to get this crazy, you don't get shit. You're back in the hotel doing patties, manny patties, watching fucking some shows Yeah, do jokes for the car. Yeah, watch it. You'll see. Yeah, it was awful But you'll do it now though now now I mean like yeah like I just did you know govern as this weekend and it was yeah You got aids. Yeah, I'm nice

No, no dude, I don't know man like I think people like look at me and and you know Here the way like I talk like you're gonna go on sticking everybody's ass, but I don't know man like I think people like look at me and you know hear the way like I talk like you're gonna go on Sticking everybody's ass, but I don't know. I'm just like more sensitive like dude. Let me tell you I'm gonna fucking hit you. Let me tell you that I'm gonna I'll come and scope us fucking home over Yo, let me tell you Yo Oh bless you out of play Yo Fuckin New Year's Eve

Hang on hang on let's all hold hands. Yeah, we hold hands, please Lord Jesus thank you for Chris's Sats for Chris's HV and this week's this week's pussy at governors. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm at everybody. I'm Dude it's fucking you know near You fucking off track you tilted him you fucking tilted Tilted world bitch happened Chris dude New Year's Eve was a fucking this and this. So she is hosting MTV Times Square. She's at the ball, she's in the center of the fucking universe.

Okay, I drive. Can I just say something? This is a girl who three years ago was at my show as a friend of the artist who did a poster for my show. Yeah, like she was a roommate. She was a square. She didn't do comedy. She showed, like she was just a roommate. She was a square. She didn't do comedy. She showed up.

She was just a fan of, she came to watch a show. Now, this is this fucking business. This is this fucking crazy, three years later, okay? Three years later. She's in Times Square hosting for MTV. Fucking hosting. I'm at Mohican Sun with a fucking, I doing a show in front of a bunch of old people with

one of those fucking warm-up guys opening in front of me. Yeah. That's this fucking business. Yeah, I mean it's it's sold out show though. Yep, she uh so she's there, you know, and I'm freaking in Atlantic City as a ball's dropping by myself. Oh boy. Historical crying in a public bathroom with someone else is shit and piss in it. Look, I'm starting to see her side. I didn't want to flush the shit and piss. Wait a minute. I didn't want to flush the shit and the piss in my head and my warped mine at the time. I thought his shit and piss. The smell of it was somehow going to take me out of the pain I was feeling but it didn't. Chris let me see I'm serious man. I'm fucking crazy. Hang on a second please guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm sorry. I'm. I'm I lost my mind. Half of shit. She completely fucking broke me. Dude listen man, that really breaks my heart.

Honestly God, I'm not even kidding. That you're alone crying. It was brutal. I haven't cried over a girl in a long time because I've been with the same broad for a while. I don't cry. We fight. I know she's not going anywhere.

I got this bitch, I stuck a kid in there. You know what I mean? That's what you should have did. You should have fucking. Oh you should have loaded her up on that Super sperm. Oh you would have ended a career and She would have been home right now. Do you feel yo? I was completely disgruntled fucking app and again I'm not manner. It's just I first time I've got my heart broke yo when I when I find that found out Like we got the half hour. Yeah, they called me. encontrado. Me he encontrado. Así que...

¿Ves a ver, ¿vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver?

¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver?

¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? ¿Vamos a ver? contenidos gratis. Fluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con más de 120 canales dedicados a películas, series, gremene, realities y contenido infantil. Fluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. With Couture Fashion Designer Iris Von Herpenn is now available for you. A gift collection inspired by our planet. Every gift is a celebration of artistry and nature, featuring high performance, 100% vegan, hair, body and self-care gift sets.

Discover Gives of Luxury at eveta.com. So fucking... Fucking cockatoo. I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just... I just. I just my heels Like a like five minutes before five minutes before now they've cone and you know Smith calls me I get the Smithy calls me tells me I got the half hour I had just found out that she was you know dating that that guy or or going hanging out with that guy No, I was just you know what it was a ball player. You're absolutely right. No, I would say his name. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no said to father in apology text. I'm like, so I fucked up

Yeah, I swore I was a veteran or something. Yeah, no Listen, I apologize. Um it happened on my watch. Yeah on my watch, sir I can't even fuck one of you see the size of this fucking goddamn Just make a battalion fucking racist and she's with a Spagged on This Spagged on comes over the house a book a book a book. I know what he's saying. I know he's she's sucking his cock It's a smoke coming him off. It's something that's not racist, but sounds right, you know,

like, Packadon. Packadon. Packadon. That's the rose of jail, great. His grandfather, we like these, but go. He knows grandfather. He's adopted Italian grandfather.

Okay. Yeah. So go ahead. So that, that kills you. So that kills. And so I find out, you know, I get the half hour hour I'm fucking I lose it like hysterical cry lose it on the phone with everybody Are you trying to happiness now? No, no no no no crying of sadness because I don't give a fuck that I got the half hour I just found out five minutes before what's going on. I'm in the middle of time square. Oh god. Okay. You're crying again

No, no No This bag on Boxed issues Terrible fucking snow I almost got hit by a bus That's the truth it was a snowstorm a bus had to get a break so I was a bus almost hit me But then my dad you know my this is I'm telling you so when the shit all changed, okay? I'm calling my dad I call my dad after all this he's you know I'm losing my mind. He goes look sit down He goes just sit down. I don't care if it's on the floor fucking sit down in time square

So I'm like following me in Staten Island. He goes sit down. So I've been here before yo because he knew he was worried No, he goes like yo a mother yo My dad's just a weirdo fucking wop, you know from the Bronx and he goes look we heard your act Yeah, yeah, we saw you let him in set. No, I appreciate it And then And he goes we heard your act. Yeah, yeah, we saw you let him in set. No, I appreciate it Um, and then uh, and he goes and my dad goes all right, he goes. I got to do this now I'm gonna kill this clock. No, no, no, you don't this respect my son. If the guys in the elx find out that G was in the spanner Don't fuck your fuck we're all fuck if the night the Columbus find out if the night the Columbus find out. Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. How easily you loved, how gently you lived, and how quickly you let go of things that were not meant for you. He goes, it's not meant for you, kid. Move on. And I changed my whole fucking outlook on it.

That was the last minute I cried. So you were raised right? That's why I walked away. Did you get up out of the puddle? No, yeah, I was in a fucking sleet storm. Yeah, it was bad. Talk to Janus Popus. Talk to me through. Yeah, he's good to talk to him. Yeah, imagine that. was bad. Talk to Janus Popus. Talked me through. Oh, yeah, he's good to talk to him. Yeah, that's fucking

a little chick. He's chicked up. Damn, that's the same situation, but no guy code. No, no, no, you didn't have the fucking guys from guy code calling you up going, this is what you do. Listen, watch episode six and seven, okay? The end of nineteen season three It turned into keys at the same time to give you some yeah

Called dumped dump and Andy Hendrix and two he got dumped by another girl from girl code You don't fight you understand that you if if if you if if you never, if she wasn't a standup, you guys would still be together. Maybe. No, no, that's a fact. That's a fucking fact. And you can't blame her. I don't, that's a fucking fact.

You can't blame her because here's the thing. You guys met on equal terms. Her life changed so fucking, she became a star. People treat her a different, Nashia had dreams dreams she was getting an autograph signed by derosa and me right three do you understand the difference in her life right now she's with you do you want her autograph but you were getting

autograph no she can you listen to the show so derosa can I turn your headphones up please okay go ahead that better yeah okay great I didn't do any of these fucking have loves dogs. She was getting an autograph. She was getting an autograph. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Cauter.

Yeah, she, so her life is, you can't blame her because she's so, he's fucking Cauter. It's sidetracked me too. He tilted me. Fucking bouncing. Fucking Cautcks. So She I am high if you got a chance to fuck Say J. Lo because you were so successful. What are you gonna do? I look that's what I'm saying like at first

I was holding on to it, but then as the smoke What are you gonna I fucked around I fucked up and you know I there was things that I made mistakes and I made it happens, and I don't blame her at all. Like, I just wish her the best with all her shit. Like, even Yannis, it's like, Yannis, what do you, you know, listen man, she's gonna, you know, Yannis is still getting over her girl.

I mean, but here it is. This is what's had. This is what's hard about it, because I was thinking about this the other day. I was thinking about this yesterday, because me and my wife have been kind of fighting a lot because of the stress. We're moving the baby,

our house, I got a lot of anxiety, I quit, I seriously, quitting sugars and carbs and grains, it took away the last, the last addiction I had to deal with anxiety. I would eat, I would just get fat and fucking chow, and it would make me feel good, and I could go off, pass the fuck out, wake up the next day day type shit, right?

Be on the road, I wouldn't worry. But now there's all that anxiety, I'm learning to deal with it. So we're fighting. And I was like, you know, I gotta be careful. I gotta talk to her because one of these days, she's gonna get sick of me just being an asshole. She's gonna get sick of me snapping.

And she's gonna meet somebody who has maybe maybe treats her better. And I'm like, what if she leaves me? Do you understand if she starts fucking somebody else? If she leaves me, all the things that she said to me are gonna be untrue in some weird way. Like all those moments where I love you, you're the, you know, forever. I can't, I'm so happy. For some reason, those are all gonna be fucking false. It's gonna be, I got cheated on my first girlfriend ever, man. I cut, yeah, dude, I, and I should have known.

Like deep in the relationship? Dude, deep. Wow. Deep, I was in, I had nothing. I got sober in AA. I was two years sober. Okay, so I'm, I'm fucking, I'm just a marshmallow at that point, emotionally. I meet this Okay, so I'm fucking, I'm just a marshmallow

at that point emotionally. I meet this broad, while I just started fucking chicks again. I just started banging broads. I learned how to fuck chicks again. Because I had to get sober, get over that whole god thing to fuck chicks again, like, you know what I mean? And I met this girl, she was engaged. And we made out the first night I ate her asshole out in my Toyota

fucking hatchback. Nice. First night. Never had an asshole eating it out. The Toyota ass. She fucking. I just feel like there's a fucking a jug of anti-freeze in the back of it. I think I'm like a cool styrofoam. Oh fucking. Yeah. Hi, I was fucking awful. You can do one of those fucking face deep in it. Yeah. Yeah, hi, I was fucking awful She had the bucket seats, maybe yeah, it's fucking snow shovel. So She dumps this fucking guy this guy was in the fucking military. Oh, geez. Okay reserves relax Why the reserves not as fucking why do we fucking?

He has his weekends yeah we've got a red phone on this desk boy so she fucking dumps him we want updating I felt terrible about it but what are you gonna do we fell in love I took this chick to my prom she was a little older than me we did all this shit for like a year and a half it was oh my god I was at a house we this things we said the things we did the times we shared and then one day it just started going dull. And then I found a number Steve in her pocketbook and I got on it. You know, I just felt it. I did you feel it? Like, as I knew something wasn't right.

I didn't really, my ex never cheated on me. That never happened. She allegedly. No, she didn't. I know. Allegedly. Show them the video. I didn't know. But you know, like my, my, you know, my best video with all three of us. Yeah. Oh my god. You guys sign in autographs. Again. Yeah. Siding autographs were like, come. Yeah. Um, my boy, you know, my, my best, you know, I close his friend Mike Cannon. He, uh, he told me when, you know, when I, when we broke up, he was like, well, you, this is gonna happen to you told you this, you knew it was gonna happen for months. And I was like, no, I didn't. And then he was like, well, this is gonna happen to you, you knew this is gonna happen for months,

and I was like, no, I didn't. And then he was like, Chris, he said, how many times when people would come up to you over these three months ago, would you say, I'm just waiting for him to break up with me? And I truly in my head don't even remember. And Mike was like, you were so fucking blacked out and deep in, and deep in her.

You had no idea that you were saying, you were telling us she's gonna leave me, but you were in denial. He said no idea that you were saying, you were telling us she's gonna leave me, but you were in denial. He said, so this all happened now and it blows up in your face. And he was like, I was, he was like, as your friend,

it wasn't my place to tell you this because you have to realize it on your own. He said, but don't think that this should happen yesterday. It was happening for months. You didn't realize it, you know? But here's, it's never, and you're, you're, you're an alpha male. Yeah. how was an alpha male gonna marry a fucking

Alpha I thought he was I know I know crying in the puddle. Oh dude fucking pile it was bitched out. It got bad for me Have you ever had that happen? No, absolutely really My last my last girlfriend I was we were together for like seven years and I caught her cheating really Last girlfriend I was we were together for like seven years and I caught her cheating really Four times I used before But I was black guys are white guys black black guys, but it was yes, is that worse for you? Or is it like for me? It was a weird thing because I was so I was such a piece of shit that I almost felt like I deserved it In a lot of ways and I had to kind of snap out of wait, haven't had you cheated on her? Oh, yeah I was I was never good. I was a never good farmer.

But I never got caught, but my guilt made me accept it more. Where I was like, you know what? How'd you catch her then? I caught her, the phone, she was an amateur. Oh yeah, it was taxable. It was real amateur, and she had pictures of him. That was a talk, right? No, not even, she had clothes, that's worse. She had clothes pictures. I mean,, that's a big. No, not even she had cloak. That's worse.

It is. Closed pictures. I mean, she cared about his face. That's sure. Like, yeah, this is amazing. Dick, like, he was just, she cared about his face. She like his eyes. Oh,

fuck. He had a strong jaw. She just wanted to look at him. And it was, yeah, so that, yeah, I called her a bunch of times. She probably pissed me out. A strong jaw. And a great profile. A strong jaw. Let me let me buy four times though. I mean more the first time the first time

I really felt the guilt where I was where was like oh shit. How could I so I kind of you so you never told Do you knew I did tell her what did she say she lied immediately? She lied like but she told me that she wanted to break up for a long time and I was kind of like, no, don't break up. And it wasn't even so much that I was into her so much. It's like, my fucked up thing is, I'm a creature of habit. Like, I will be comfortable in a situation like how fucked up it is, I don't want it to change. Like, we'll just be miserable.

I'll settle into misery. She's like, no, I can't do this anymore. But I was hurt. And you would just let it, like you would deny like, no, I can't do this anymore. But I was hurt and you would just you would just let it like you would deny it Yeah, I would deny it. I would be like, no, it's good. It's fine. We just got to have an argument My girl would get over it. My ex would get up at a bed at like five six o'clock in the morning She would raise up and be like breathing. This was like, you know, four months for a breakup She's like, I can't do this anymore. I cannot be with you. It's got to end right now And I would talk I would use all the charisma of my father ever fucking put in me. And I would just

like talk it back out. Like as if as if I would dig deep again and make a breakfast or go down on a fucking whatever. I'm just trying to make her stay there. And then it becomes competitive because now you've won her again. Yeah, put the bandaid over it and then it would be okay for a week and then it was leaking. Same like what you said.

And then when you're out of it, but then when you're out of it, you're like, why was I wasting my time? But I didn't feel that right away. Did you see that? I first wanted it back. I felt that when I moved. Yeah, dude. And we when we left, when I moved to when I moved to, um, to Quaint, when I moved to New York and I just lived like for like a week or two, right? Like without her. I was like, you would justice.

Drought to drink. I was writing. I remember I was writing, um, when my chick found out she cheated on me. I was such, I remember I was writing on my chick, I found out she cheated on me. I was such an idiot. I was going to art school in Boston and I just started airbrushing and I airbrushed her sorority because she went back to college for some, anytime you chick joins a soror, you're done. You're done. She's going to fuck a fraternity guy.

Okay, that's it. So I did all our shirts? It's done for the because they go to the hockey team and support the hockey team and I did their airbrushed like a I think 13 sweatshirts I spent all night doing these Airbrushing shirts and you're calling me a faggot. Yeah, dude It's working. No, he was there working. How do you work in layers? He was really good at stars. He was a fucking kid.

You gotta see what I do with Fuchsia. You gotta see. So I remember when she broke up with me, dude. You're out of the way right there. Is this fucking kid's air-brushing shirts? No, boss. To get pussy. You get air-brushing.

You're yours onto your van and shit. And because I cry timescraw I'm the bitch. I'm a wizard with a ball It goes to arts and crafts man. That's worse than crying. That's the luxury letters and calligraphy I wish I kept one of these Oh my god, I'd love to wear one. I did it I Didn't but then that's when I and I this is right after I she told me the Steve was her cousin. Oh Jesus, right so then

After that I did the shirt. I was do it like you're right. I was doing all this weird shit to keep her Yeah, the fuck am I airbrushing shirts. I don't air bra Well, it's even that good. They came out shitty. Yeah competitive and then this what happened? She don't I find out she's fucking this guy Jesus, right? She's fucking this guy. Jesus. She's fucking this guy. Oh, ugh. Still to this day of bothers you honestly. I know you've completely moved on, but. Um, no, because if, if, look, I'm gonna say this

and I, I really do, I don't, look, I don't know anymore, but that part of my life, when somebody owns three years of your life, they own that forever. So they're part of it forever. So I can't just throw somebody out like, fuck you, I don't do that. I'm not crazy like that. But if I was still married to her, I'd be fucked.

Yeah, right. My life would stink. My life would be, I would be back there in Boston in some type of fucking triple-decker home on the first floor, working some shit job. Oh, my fucking callous hands and shitty work boots. My life would suck right now. But so thank God, this guy Steve, I thank you.

Thank you, because this guy Steve is with somebody like her. They're back there. Bobby, you know what I mean? That's exactly, you remember Delphino? When I first moved here, Jessica Delphino was with. You're engaged. And I was like, I really was suicidal. Like, and I mean,

I mean, do you know what I mean? It was ridiculous. But how long did it take you to get to the place when you just accepted it with a lot of people? Wait, you were, you were turning here? It took me fucking years, dude. It was so weak. And when I think now that I had that much like,

because I know her now, I'm friends with it. friends I'm like I don't know you're all relating with this fucking show and I go what the fuck do you think she hosted children's show or something she looks like crazy you call alien shit I'm like I'd be married to a fucking ukulele player that would be my fucking life dude the guy I want to be so happy you had just a tamarind you guys I'm washing this square park on weekends with a bucket put the fucking topic The dude she told me before the guy she told me for I don't know if you ever ran into like all turn Please don't put garbage in the bucket was he

This guy he had a fucking like these jawburns and Zim was named sideburns Chris X Broder and he was like this guy He's like sub alternative like he was awful And he would he would always sue like mayor Giuliani that was his biggest We had money from always suing the city for shit and she fucking dumped me for this dude I almost got in a fight of bowry poetry club. You know the fucking bowry poetry club. I was so jealous We like made out for a second. She has some here with him. I know he's in there now and she goes in I don't know why she goes, I'm here with him. I don't know. He's in there now. And she goes in. I don't know why she did this. I'm by the bar. She goes up to him and points me out. Okay. He's got this dickhead ponytail. He's playing. He has an unplugged

bass guitar. He's absentmindedly. While a shun only was on stage. He's got this bass that it's unplugged. And he's like, this turns and looks at me. And then he just starts like making out with her hard and looking at me So I was like I remember my I was like I saw red like how they say like and I go over She have a ponytail to yeah, they both it They got I grabbed the right ponytail. I grabbed this fucking ponytail wrapped in my hand I go do come out and talk to me and while I was saying I started yank My come out and talk to me man. I just want to talk to you I just say I still yank, my command talked to me man, I just want to talk to you. I'm sure and I slapped his fucking base across the room and he goes,

Dan's not even my base. And then that did make you go, oh shit. It's not as good. It wasn't as good. And then all these people hustle me out because they're show going on like this. Because you're a savage. You've got somebody's ponytail and you're acting calm. I don't know.

That's the craziest shit ever when somebody smashing somebody's head going. We need to talk about what's going on. Well, they didn't do anything until I slapped the base. That's when they fucking stepped in. But then these girls goes, listen, people beat him up all the time. You really want to go to jail for Chris Broder. Like I wasn't even cool enough to beat him up. Basically, it almost like man or were you like upset?

Like did it hurt you or just Indy me and then that switch very quickly to enraging me. Here's a thing though. I remember being in a library And and being so sad so fucking sad. I wrote I got to find this poem. I still have it. I wrote a poem Oh my god, dude. It was so fucking just queer man. Dude, you know what's a gay thing? Everybody quotes and poems get you through the shit. This poem I sat there writing poetry Trying to get it and then I remember I wrote the poem. Yeah, and it came together as a full poem God I read it. I read it on one of your shirts I read it I read it on one of your shirts

Really Fucking rhyme What's that Right now that you're ruining the mom we're holding hands Chris just leave it for a second like out. We just take it out Supercut haircut leave it leave it leave it leave it leave it Lord I know why she dumped you. You don't listen That's your relationship is dangling off a cliff right now Lord Lord let's pray for the ability to rhyme all the time. Oh, no, no, even if you look at sign Thank you Jesus Lord. Thank you Lord. I pray listen, put pinch that there you go. Push it in there

Here's a deal. I wrote this fucking poem. I remember going home and read into my foster father And he had like a tear in his eye Yeah going home and bring it to my foster father and he had like a tear in his eye. Yeah. Oh my god. My kids gay. It's fresh. But it was the ambush and now it's the power. I got the big booty kid. Yeah. You can't believe it.

Oh my god. We got it. We got it. What figure will we finish? Should I go to? We got it. I remember though, there was, there's a moment when it turns, when you like fuck this bitch. Yeah.

When I go, that's it. And she called me crying. Like two weeks later, she called me crying, I fucked up, I'm sorry. She got lonely. She got lonely. The guy she's fucking, got treated like shit. Her life, however awesome it was at the moment, fell apart, which it happens to everybody. Don't forget that you're going up, but you're coming down.

Do not think you're ever going straight to fuck up and you're staying there. We all forget that we're coming back down, especially when MTV is involved. That's like, well, I'm not talking about, yeah, something subtexting Chris's career. What I'm saying is, well that's all right. Well, her career, whatever. I'm saying that she called me up crying, because she realized what she had. She realized that she's never gonna have those moments,

those fun, she's never gonna be that comfortable with this fucking idiot Steve, what she was with me, where she could eat a fucking tune amount on a hundred degree day under a tree, and fall asleep You guys were really white trash She calls me up crying and I'm like and I was just like nah she goes I want to come over and I was like no You can't if you come over I'm gonna fucking mind of liking you again

And I was like did we just need to not talk. How long were you broken up when it happened? That was two weeks How long were you broken up when it happened? That was two weeks. Really? How long did you have to do it? That's pretty good, dude. But I went through, dude, I was crying, I was right, palms, I was airbrushed. Yeah, but you still stay strong

because I can't tell how many times like air were broken up and then it would go back and next, you know, I'm just fingering. All right, here's, yeah, really. No, no, you know what I mean? It's the test again, dude, there's people who are fucked, you gotta do it. Here's what you gotta do, dude,

you gotta fucking get into some ass quickly. Yeah? That was a key. I got into some ass. You gotta live, man. I didn't even have to live. You know what, that made me get the girl reaction than when at that time while I was like,

I gotta get back to my girl that I know. I remember getting ass and then it almost made me feel like, I wish I had my old ass again. Yo, I'm telling you, it's like this. My fucking, you know, seventh, eighth grade education dad had so many good things to give me the Buddha quote, and then goes like this, he goes, all right, think about your relationship like this.

He's like, so, you break a glass, right? He goes, what's better? Cut your finger trying to put that glass back together, just go get a new glass. And I was like, it's fucking brilliant, dad. It's absolutely brilliant. It's not that brilliant. It's not that brilliant.

You know what, listen, if you're from Queens and you're Italian, it's brilliant. that absolutely brilliant. It's not that brilliant. It's not that brilliant You know listen if you're from Queens and your Italian is really sounds really Chris I know you're a huge door bro. It's that island shout out Yo, it's god isle ferry. I see you bro. What would you rather do ever broken glass? Yo, just get a new glass and I can't you son you cannot Stand Island I know I did this way like what the fuck yeah, I'm taking about a dish We're even a fast hedge my cool Michael listen if you drop a fucking eggplant If you drop a plane in fucking Sunday source lick it off the floor, oh get a new eggplant. What are you gonna do? Oh, get him the way plan. What are you gonna do?

I have no idea that. I don't know what I mean, dad. The crazy deal is such a fucking Danny Terrio sensitive Saturday night fever, like, the birds. Are you happy now, Gina? You're a whore. My head.

And I do it and it keeps hitting my head. I told my head. My head. I got a raise. I got a raise. Classic fucking 70s Italian dude. Classic dude. He dude. He really but here I think you've never cried The road helped me like when when I I didn't do comedy at the time see I was doing comedy I went to Egypt we did Egypt showed I was there for like a

Egypt this motherfucker. What areypt? I came back for a second. I'm in New York today, Christie's to fall. I wasn't taking all of that. I was fucking in the launch me, man. Dude, I've been in this business 20 years. This clock's second, we know comedy for three months. He went to Egypt. Why did you start?

Last year. I started, uh, oh nine. Me too. What month? October, oh nine. I started August. Fuckin' just be ya. You just be. Nah, well he went to Egypt. Yeah, that's true. Are you fucking winning? I want to I want to Egypt and I came when I look my first as soon as I'm I wasn't even unpacked

Some that walked in the house. We got into an argument within like 15 minutes She had quit her job and I told her that I was like, why would you quit your job? That was stupid Oh, you weren't it she didn't go with you to Egypt. No, no, she didn't go with you. But she didn't know why. You could have just slapped her there. And... You could have settled her shit right. I couldn't do it. I couldn't. You should have gone out and come with me. I didn't think, hindsight 20-20.

But, not... Did this ninja add on and did not get you? We went, I can't buy from Egypt and we got into a fight immediately. And I was like, this is not good. We can't be happy for fit. Like, where's a clean slate? You miss me, I miss you and we can't be good for 15 minutes. This is, I gotta go.

Shhh, that you said Mike about, you know, you get, you like the comfort. I stay with this girl. This is after the alfina. You remember my other one, right? The one that was 40, that was older than me. Did you remember the red head? I know you met her. Is that the one that the fuck Voss? Oh, when I was Voss? No, I had no one that was 40 those older than me the red head I know you matter the one

that the fuck boss oh I know I had no one that one okay but Jesus but I'm just one that I ended up choking her because she's smashed on my shit with a hammer right that's when I was took her a long time when you have nothing we yes yeah everything I was such a piece of shit I would never get a job I made no money from comedy and I would just tell these girls like Yeah, I'm a comedian and I made me talk about now. No now. It's okay. No my ex before my good my girl now I'm engaged like I have a good my thing is good But before that this crazy bitch us and we stay together after all this crazy shit I mean like where someone could have died probably then I got a pregnant and beg to to have it

Okay, she didn't think Christ, but I was like come on Let's just have it'll probably get better you know and I you know I stayed so fucking long because it was so hard to get cable Hooked up where we were I couldn't imagine going through that again I'm telling you my exact thoughts at a time. I didn't want to pay my own rent And I just fucking growing up dude dude, all these relationship things, just, you're young. There's no way you could possibly, I'm a damn much old, you but I could never feel again, how you, right? It's great, dude, that it's good. This is done. You'll never go

through a thing like this ever again. It's just not possible. Everybody, everybody who's older than me has said that exact same thing like you got your heart smash. It's never going to happen again now, because now you know the truth about life It will happen to you again. Well me. Yeah, but pussy. I'm gonna come out of the closet. I can't wait for that If you fuck it, if you what would you if I came out my career would fucking skyrocket It was a lot of time for a week. I was just getting come in the islands and what no surprises Is that the one Ellen Page came out in I'm gay really Ellen

I know that really bugged me she and she I watched the whole speech. Yeah, she huh? I said everybody knew yeah But she gave this whole speech this shit and I'm gay and everybody is like are you fucking kidding? I still got off to her though a little bit in Juneau You know in super or what's the one? No, I, she was a roller in rain Wilson the one with rain Wilson He's a makeshift superhero and she's his partner. Yeah, dude. She it's hot. He shit She has the super outfit she's got my way and he fucks do that and now is the first time I ever looked at her Sexually was that movie. Yeah, I'm not into it

Yeah, I never I never watched a superhero movie dude. You might be she made me those little greasy chicks It don't wash. Yeah, you know like those legs being Like I mean those village bitches. Yeah, don't wash all the time. Yeah, you know, they put them before yeah Just fucking like a pubes and shit. I don't a lot of I like pubes but too much you like a full bush I like comedy like comedy festival girls. Yeah I want to try and go back dude. I don't want this fucking I like it. I like a triangle too I'm not into the full shave. It's weird right too much. I'm gonna see it. I like a five o'clock shadow

No seriously I like the show I like like it like it look like she's shaved like you want to look like Phil Hanley's beard I like you to have a little sweater vest and a so tree arm bee singer. I want my pussy to look like an alternative comic. I want my girls to look like Mike Lawrence. My house is like Ryan Poe saying. I like I like a V. I like a nice V. I would like an original V with a hair on the side goes in. That's pretty cool.

That's nice. But I don't like a shave pussy because there's always the red mark, there's always that ingrown hair that I gotta figure out is that herpes. What is that? I don't like that. I like a nice little patch of hair. Dude, let me tell you something. My girl now that I'm, I saw that bullshit.

Wait a minute. You gonna pussy me. What? You know my girl girl now hang on a second. What's wrong? So you just don't want to see the herp Yeah, I don't want to have to do fuck I don't want to see a sigh of pussy when I get down there I'm not hard to just make me fucking not know. Yeah, but I said I don't I don't want to say what is that a pimple Sometimes just a bit you shave. Yeah, but if the hair's there. I know that's a fucking hurt I'm not gonna get a list doesn't give a wearing a condom is the new faithful. We know that's yeah But I yeah, I do I would I'm kind of into the bush now like the hairy bush I was into it and it's coming the back of your endangered animal right now.

It really is. I remember when I little it. It's just on a little ice float. I'm going to have a tattoo. I was a teenager. I remember this fucking friend of my moms. I was younger than a teenager. I think I was just 13 or whatever the fuck it was.

Just turned, maybe 12 or 13. And I remember they were in her room and she opened. They would, they would, they didn't, they forgot that I was there were in her room and she opened they would they would they didn't They forgot that I was there they were talking. She was in a robe. She just showered and she I know she was showing my mom her pussy for some reason Yeah, so that's I don't know if this is her She opened up her row. Can I airbrush that she? She opened up a robe and she showed the pussy and it was a bush.

It was a fat fucking bush. What color did you remember Brown? Light brown, like light blonde brown. Nice, and it had like a beajie. It was almost like highlighted. Oh, maybe she was showing her pussy highlights. I don't know. She was showing my mom I think a trim.

It was like a square box. Like it was, I don't know, it was like a square box like it was I don't know it was weird kid in play That's great Who you like better kid or play for But it was I Like I like ever since then I don't like I don't like a lot of hair because I like my hair is you know I got that velcroy shit, so a lot of times in a shower. I'm peeling. I like hair better on a black girl. Sometimes you'll get like a real Sicilian girl. Like a hundred percent Sicilian.

Oh, that's the both world. That'll get a little nappy. You'll get it. She'll have a nappy boy. Trilis girl, sometimes. You think so? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Like a Eugene Levy dad kind of. My girl. Good push. I'm fucking Ross Bennett. Yeah, a little bit. Ross Bennett push. Put a pair of glasses on her pussy. Yeah.

I, I, I, with a black girl like a shaved, a her pussy. Yeah. I I But the black girl like a shaved a trim trim down. I don't have in Trilite black girls. I like black girl. What do you mean? What the fuck do I used to see that too? And it's and I'm telling you like it both ways could be good So here's the thing though. I like the black girl that I like I don't like the I like the African Tootsie tribe black girl like the girl Then after I know what weaves. I know what you're talking about like I got

On both kinds I'm telling you I don't I like a I like a with the big like a the runners-ass in the long legs and the yeah I like I like the curvy I like the no I like the curvy look at night. I know what you're talking about yeah They're good. Yeah, I enjoyed that. Yeah, like she can jump over some fucking hurdles No, yeah, I don't need I don't need a hunter I like a woman I can cook macaroni Like the gatherer I like the gatherer Check that one I don't want grace Jones no Hold on nice me shown from walking dead

You don't want a nice me shone from walking dead Smoke on show, but here's the thing Michelle without the dreads. I'm in yeah, if you seen a real life Yeah, I'm it that's the type of black girl. I like you like regular hair I don't like I don't I wrote a me is sexy a tight afro whatever you're supposed to look like is what I have I have I have one I don't need that you are hot it's not yours. Yeah, but you would that's why I don't like it You don't have an afro that's why you probably like a ball chick Don't you want a ball chick? I take a fuck. I love short hair. I've never had a ball chick Sorry, it looks good. You never fucked a chick with cancer. No, oh once But I didn't know she had

You know Desperate the fuck man. That's the best Time Constraints just like fight club if you remember if you remember that girl that look like Buddy Bolton Buddy Bolton? What happened to Buddy Bolton? He did it pretty seriously.

Does he really? What did you say the looney bin? I saw him once at the looney bin on Staten Island. Are you going to looney bin? Are you still? For what? My dad's friends. Oh just saying, oh not for you right? I mean I would, you have to form there. No I mean if you never been to the looney bin are you still you know for work my dad's friends. Oh just oh not for you right?

I mean I would yeah I perform there. No, I mean if you never been to the looney band the looney. What do you mean? What's the looney? Oh, it's a comedy club. Oh, I thought you fucking I thought he's in a fucking Meta is a comedy club. I'm a Bellevue That's fucked up man. I were gonna take a break real quick so these assholes can take Tapiss or whatever you guys got to do I want to do some ads so you guys on the Video we're gonna turn the volume down, but you stay tuned You guys listen and live stay tuned we back in five minutes

So we get the sign we get through up in front of one of these things What this is live right now? You got a cat this is you right here that your camera that's camera, this is your camera. This is you right here, that's your camera, that's your camera. And we're doing a three camera shoot right here. This is my camera. So this is not recorded. This is not gonna come out later. No, this is gonna come out as a podcast by itself,

but then the video comes out a week later, the whole video. Oh, so it's not worth. So it's not worth. Huh? No, it's with live right now. They're listening right now. It's recording and it's live. Oh, I see that's cool. So Real quick. I give out your Twitter's we're gonna do a little bit further. Jay thinks the HEDHI in KS Chris D comedy

Map got it's my name. I don't tweet and also I don't go on my Facebook. So I don't believe in you go on your Facebook You got great Facebook. I don't go on my Facebook. It's my I love your Facebook rant. I'm roll full up It's like it's like a press conference that nobody's listening to it really is like somebody just asked I'm not getting it Like the left side of your brain asked to write so your brain Your fans by the way you're reading it. Please stop and I check this out if you guys You guys watching live right now make sure you're retweet all the stuff and put it on Facebook tell some people so they can come back in. We'll be back in around five minutes, okay?

What's up? You know what, dude? Robert Kelly here and you guys know that I just recently bought a car. I moved out to the suburbs and I had to buy two cars, one for my wife and one for me and the anxiety that I felt over doing that because I know I'm gonna get screwed. I know it's not gonna be fun. I was talking to myself in the car on the way there. That's how crazy it was. Trying to pump myself up. I'll walk out of here if you don't give me a good deal. Ugh, I said that in the mirror to myself. And you know what? Then I found out there's a better way to buy a car.

I heard about TrueCar.com, a new way to buy a car. At TrueCar.com you actually get to see what others paid for the same car you're looking for in your area, so you know you're getting a great price. I went to TrueCard.com and found out what I would have saved. I don't want to talk about it. I wish I went here before I bought my cars. So you should do the same thing. At TrueCard.com is amazing.

You get a saving certificate. You just need to take your saving certificate to your TrueCars certified dealer. So you don't need to worry about the hassles or the anxieties of the old way to buy a car. TrueCars uses save an average of 3,000 off the MSRP. So if you're ready to buy a car, why wouldn't you go to TrueCard.com? Negotiation-free, guaranteed savings, a hassle-free experience, and a TrueCard certified dealer that is committed to a new and better way to buy a car. Save time, save money, and never overpay. Visit truecar.com today.

Yeah, what's up everybody? I check it out. We got you guys. You know I do this Hulu thing every week. I know it gets monotonous, whatever. But here's the thing. HuluPlus.com is something I definitely use. I definitely suggest to you guys, it's amazing. It's amazing.

HuluPlus.com lets you watch thousands of hit shows and movies in your living room on the go with your smartphone or tablet. With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite TV shows, like an SNL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank, and Scandal. Watch every episode. It shows like Lost, Lawn Order, SUV, Doctor Who, Community. You can also check out exclusive content,

including Hulu Originals, like the wrong man's, and behind the mask, Hulu's new docuseries that takes you behind the world of sports mascots. You can get access to a collection of ad-free movies and kids content for only $7.99 a month, catch up on all the shows, binge on all favorites, catch a great movie, stream as many TV shows or movies as you want wherever you want. That's why I love this. Okay.

Right now you can try Hulu Plus for free. That's right. Free for two weeks on me. Hulu Plus dot com slash dude. That's the special offer for my listeners only. Make sure you go to Hulu Plus dot com slash dude so you can get extended free trial and they know we sent you go to Hulu Plus dot com slash dude right you can get extended free trial and they know we sent you go to whooplus.com slash dude right now for your extended two week free trial so check

this out what's that buddy oh yeah we got that tweaked audio dot com right now for headphones if you guys need headphones go there and buy a couple buy a couple pairs of very inexpensive great headphones. Tweakedaudio.com, go there right now, use the code word, dude, oh, you're mic's off. Oh, dude, use the code word, dude, they have many different colors and styles. They're inexpensive, not cheap, but they're just amazing. Okay, I've gotten like 16 pairs from these people. I buy them, I give them away as gifts.

I love Tweakedaudio.com right now. Code word, dude, you're gonna get 33% off. That's almost half. You're gonna get free shipping, which is great. Because that's what they usually get you with these things, is the shipping. They'll give you a deal and then fuck you on the shipping. Okay, and it's in a lifetime limited warranty,

which, you know, whatever, I don't know how that makes sense, but it's limited, but it's lifetime. So maybe you're gonna die. All right, tweakedaudio.com, use the you know, whatever, I don't know how that makes sense, but it's limited, but it's lifetime. So maybe you're gonna die. All right, tweedaudio.com, use the code word, dude. Okay, and then go to Amazon link on our page. Anything you can buy off the internet, go to Amazon link on our page at RiotCast, you know what, dude, click on that link,

use that book market. Anytime you buy something, we get a little hit, Amazon gets their money, and you get your shit, and you help us out. And I wanna thank all the people who have been donating. You guys are amazing, okay? Ian Rice, I gotta send you something. I know I said I was gonna send you a post of fuck I forgot,

but I'm gonna get it to you. But you guys are donating every month, thank you so much. It helps out with the cost of the show and all the stuff that we put into the show, because it comes out of my pocket, most it thousands and thousands of fucking dollars but it's all worth it because I love you guys so anyways that's it right that's all the plugs right now we got a bunch of stuff at the end of the show so stay tuned to hear the dates and all the goody good stuff back to the show fuckers. Robert Kelly's white capability deep podcast.

I went back. What's up? We're back. Hi, we're back fuckers. You, um, they said it's racist covering the black guy with white paper. You put the sign in front of everyone. I realized that I have to was, that afterwards. We were talking off there. You know, wherever it was taking the break and I was doing the ads and all that shit. But it's crazy to me because you're right for us now.

Yeah. Okay, when did you get this job? I came in as a guest writer last, like, February. What's a guest writer? Well, I was only in for two weeks. They did a whole thing where they was bringing in people to come right for just two weeks Who would be like I think like me? Chelsea parade like a like a few people came in just guest writing for the week or a couple weeks

Right and then they ended up after I Wrote for the two weeks then they asked me to come back and finish the season. That's what fucking cruz me out. I mean, it's crazy to me that two weeks didn't ask me to come back and finish the season. That's what fucking cruis me out. I mean, it's crazy to me that you go in, you go in and to write for us and out. This is huge, right? But you've never, have you written for a sketch show before or? So you didn't even have to fuck your about to do. No clue.

You had no clue. I had no clue what they wanted me to do. So how the fuck did you figure that out? I didn't. What are you talking about? I didn't, I don't, yeah, everything you're saying is exactly my thing. That's my biggest fear.

When they hired me, I told. From fire. When they hired me, I told them, I was like, listen, if you guys were to came into the office and said, look, I need a large coffee with milk, a bagel, I would have fucking got coffee and bagels. I didn't know what they wanted me to do. I didn't know if I was going to be following somebody around with a notepad.

So what did you do? Did you get a roll on the one? Did you get a roll on the one? Yeah, I wrote, I got a sketch on like that. What was the sketch? What was the sketch? It was a, it was a romantic comedy movie trailer called, she's got a dick. And it was just like this cheesy romantic comedy film about

The perfect the perfect girl, but she's got a dick and everybody's like the perfect girl Yeah, it's just basically how like there's always something really weird that happens But it was like a silly thing and they did it but When I got it I was like I can't believe you guys are really going to let me do this. I feel that every week though, as a comic, I feel like every week, like, oh shit. So you have to work every day. Don't relate to someone else that you get on. What are the sketches?

I like that sketch. Can you answer my question before you answer fucking talk over question? Yeah. There's room for both of our questions. Yeah, there is. But I like that here's fucking loud fucking voice. Just fucking sound. Now that I have a podcast, I'm really. You have such a deep voice. It just, it makes people I actually listen to you. Cause I'm monster. I'm my own fucking show. Monster voice isn't here right now. So it's just me monster. No, I want, I forget.

They got a lot of like top head. That's why See like a dinosaur resonates in the head You and Dan Soda's head of great acoustics. So you don't voice is booming. We have giant fucking sinuses It feels like a whole loop They have a bow speaker system in their fucking head I have a resonant head they They're tried geminal vein. You like that? Ampitheater head. Ampitheater. That is it, but it wasn't good. Sorry. I thought the problem was no one heard it. Yeah, I said it louder. That's so funny. You ever do that where you

just you think the people didn't hear it. So you say it louder and they still don't look at you. That's what's worse, it's just sad. I had the, I think it's amazing that you go into this fucking, this is my biggest fear is being exposed for a phony. Because I mean, what we do is spinning plates. What we do is, like, you know, I had to do this corporate gig two weeks ago. They call me up, the money's so amazing,

I'm not gonna say no. Yes, yes, but no, because I don't know what, you have to call the company and have it what? I don't fucking do that. I show up at the club, I do an hour, and then I leave, and nobody tells me what to say or not to say, and that's it. But now it's like, okay, we want to incorporate, and I'm like, I had to call Colin, and I was like, dude, what the fuck? And he was like, just fucking do it. It gives a fucking just confident to fuck this thing out. Just get up there and I was like, okay,

but the whole time I was so much stress that I thought I was just gonna be exposed for just nothing. I was gonna be up there bombing. Like I don't know what to do. For that, that's a really different thing. For SNL, like the biggest thing that I'm starting to kind of learn now

and get more comfortable with, is if you know what's, if you have a good idea of what's funny or a good sense of what's funny, they have a well-oil machine. They'll figure out how to produce it. This time, I'll bring something in that I think is funny one way.

And they'll be like, no, we're gonna do it pre-taped. We're gonna put this actor here. We're gonna take this guy out. Can you You give me an example of that for an example Recently I did a sketch where it was it was called the steak out where it was like these black guys Oh, he's not black. They were gangsters. It was like thugs and a car Rabbit yeah, yeah, they saw the rabbit. Yeah, so the rabbit. I love that you corrected that though well because Taren was in the sketch That's why I wasn't just black guys But it was like a thing was supposed to be live. There's just like so it's black guys

So they were like they're about to do a drive-by but it's snowing really bad and then they And they keep noticing how beautiful the snow is and it makes them kind of they having like a moment in the car So but I had it as it was a live sketch whatever But they knew immediately this is not a live sketch and they didn't want the host in it because it was like, you know what, the host is not going to want to tape something like that in the snow. Let's get the cast in it to be a good cast piece and it just made more sense the way they did it. But for me, I'm writing it one way. So like things like that happen with they know they know better and production

wise, what are working. Do you get more money for if a sketchits on TV? Do you get like incentives? No, no. No. No. No, incentive is job security somewhat. You can see somewhat. Well, you never feel secure there.

No. No one does. Really? Oh, no. But I think that's kind of what makes everybody show up. Everyone, it's like being an NBA. You feel like any moment I can be traded or cut. What is, yeah, but that doesn't make sense.

No, it's true. It's like if you get a contract in the NBA, there's a union and you'll always get your money. We get a contract, but we're like, it's like an option contract kind of thing. We're like, they'll bring you back if they want you back. Yeah, but they can fire you. They can fire you.

Right, yeah. But here's the thing. All right, it's like being an NFL. Listen, I'm not a big, but here's a thing all right like in a NFL Listen, I'm not here. Yeah, fucking say it's like being a fucking SNL You never feel can I ask what your hours are I've always I've always what is that I've always what the fuck is that? Why is my mic fucking up what the fucking pasta I do why is my mic fucking up brother I don't know what the fuck is that do you hear that no you hear it that was fucked up right

was right anyways I what what are your? I always wondered what I've... It depends on what we're, I'll just talk while you check it out. I'll keep it moving. So eager to hear the hours, you might even let you get it out. It's no, it depends on what we're working on. Like we show up Monday where we meet the host, but it could be anything.

You never know when the host is gonna be there. So we show up Monday, we meet the host, and we do a pitch meeting, and then we do a topical meeting where we talk about whatever's in the news, and something about the host to get information on the host or whatever, and what everybody did for the fucking weekend and shit.

And then sometimes we just stay and write that Monday to get a head start on Tuesday, because Tuesday, we write all day. We have dinner together, we just write, we meet the host and tell the host our ideas, our actual ideas, get input and chill. Do you have to write, do you have to write out the actual dialogue? Yeah, we write the script because Wednesday we do a table read of like 40 or 50 sketches

of just everything that we've written. Wait, you asked me to write the dialogue out? No, no, we tell them a loose side there and they just wing it. Yeah, see? Not making fun of you You write there's no we write dialogue and sketches I know I know this dialogue, but sometimes you come up with the idea and someone else takes it and goes, oh, no, no We're so it's you know what I'm saying like you you don't fucking you've written fucking shit on a piece of

Beringle piece of paper and it's got on the air, then I have to write it out after they approve it. You have to know. No, but we. Nobody throws in and then I write it out. For it to get written, we write the script. Yeah. You write, you say we, you. Well, you write a version and somebody throws in on it

or you all together write. No, we, oh, okay. We, I write the script. It gets read at the table. Yeah. Okay. And then they pick like 10 scripts of everything that's right at the table. And then that next day, we split the scripts up on, it's like five writers on one floor, five writers on another floor. They split the scripts up. That got picked. And then we re, we have another table read with the writers. And then we, we punch it up. So then we

re, then we rewrite it. So even if you don't get a sketch on, you're still rewriting sketches that are getting on, and adding jokes and stuff like you feel like didn't work or whatever, because a sketch could get on, that might not be that funny at the table, but there's something really good about it, and it just overhaul it and then it becomes really good. Yeah, the host is physically there.

With you guys. The host is there for the table read and on the right there. Has there been any host that's suck? It's dead. Legitly. It's hard to say, yeah, of course, there's people that suck the legitly.

But I mean, it's also fucking telling a lot of, we know comedy is fucking the hardest thing that's love love and you're doing live comedy off cue cards. Yeah, they this is they're completely out of Elements really hard It is a whole like an hour and a half dude an hour and a half show every week right? I want to have live show with somebody that's never done comedy before is impossible Yeah, but how long has it been happening? That's why it's so or is it impossible to be? But how long has it been happening? That's why it's so impressive.

I'm years, right? 30, 40 years. 40 years, 40 years, 75. Wow. Jesus, fuck me. Well, it's funny though, because I've never really understood the concept of what goes on behind them. Because you gotta go.

All right, buddy. I'll take it easy, Kurt. Make sure you check out this podcast on what? Oh, uh, stand up, black New York Labs is the channel. It's New York Labs. Hi take it easy Kurt make sure you check out his podcast on what oh Stand up lab New York labs is the channel. It's New York labs stand up New York labs, right? Are you kidding me? I don't know it's called Reese wars with Curtin's rod just Google that and you find a fucking podcast Very funny podcast very my mic is going out. So I don't know what the fuck is This is five inside Amy Schumer's coming back to What a funny that's a great show. How's the second season? This is Inside Amy Schumer's coming back to and

What a funny that's a great show. How's the second season? I think we got like some good people on this year, man. Yeah, yeah, I can't believe I got a Succeeded like why? Because it's just bit like I'm watching like this is good like how did I get this fucking great? You know fucking She's funny, dude. She's fucking funny. You're funny Well, you'll see this day. I really it's funny cuz he's talking about all his work and like cuz I hate going to the office and like we had probably one of the easiest writing schedules we had like people used to be on SNL you know Gnangle and fucking I mean I know I don't know how to go Christine or some but

some of these people like they were at SNL and then they were right and our thing and I'm like I'm just should head comic so I can't believe I have to be there by 11 the easiest time. We're out by 6. It was even a hard workload but it had still too much for me to be a professional. That's a fucking dream. Yes, great. I'm happy. I was there.

I was there the last week I was there. I got there at like 2 o'clock in the afternoon on Tuesday and didn't leave til like nine o'clock at night on Wednesday. Yeah, that's like real work. That's not like, no, I'm a piece of shit. That's the point of this fucking story. All right, I'm out of here. I put it in.

Thanks for fucking ending the way you started. You need to keep your fucking awful. You kept the hatred on you the whole time. You could have given it to me as a warning. I would have, I would have made you eat it. My mic is fucking dying. I'm so pissed right now. I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what's happening with these fuck. Dumb Lewis Gomez was in this fucking studio tonight. The thing was unplugged. The zoom was fucked up. Now this is fucked up. God damn it. I hope it's not coming through. Hang on one second.

All right, I think it's just my headphones. I think it's the fucking head. I don't know what the fuck it is. Anyways, I think that shit's interesting, Mike. It is. It is. It's because first of all, you don't want to be on TV. You're saying you want to just write. I don't like that. Well, real? Are you just, are you saying that to be fucking humble? No, I want to be on TV, but I don't have a desire to be a cast member, no. Really? What if they offer it to you?

I mean, it's a big opportunity to be able to do so it would sometimes, you got to suck it up and do something that's better for your career, but that's not something I want to do. What do you want to do? I want to write there. I really like writing. I get that itch scratched when I'm doing stand-up, and when I get to write there. I really like writing. I get that it scratched when I'm doing stand up and when I get to tour and when I do shit like that, I get that performance aspect out of it.

I mean, but I do like, I'm so green to writing, I feel like I'm learning so much that I just kind of want to stay here and focus. I don't want to be a double major. I want to focus on one thing and really get good at it because I know that the performance aspect and being on screen is something that's going to come a lot quicker than me learning how to write and produce. And it's a really cool opportunity to focus on. I feel like a lot of times when you become a cast woman and you put that pressure on yourself, you talk about scoring and talking about being good on the show and being used on the show, used correctly and all that pressure. It's a lot of pressure, man. This is kind of the cushy side of it, writing and being kind of behind the seat and learning and learning a lot from the performers, man.

Right. Yeah. It's really helpful. What do you want to do after this, though? Do you want to have your own show? You just want to... I really don't know. To me, like, I want to kick ass out of her.

Like, I want a classic hour. Like, that's the most... That's the furthest I look down the pike. How much time you got? I don't know. I don't know. I'm gonna burn a bunch with this half hour, but I don't know.

Like I want an hour that really, really means something. I wanted to feel like, and I don't want to feel like 60 minutes of jokes. I wanted to feel like a fucking hour. Like a piece. Yeah, I want you to be full after respect that, you know? So. What are you gonna do?

What are you, and now that this fucking tour is over? The honeymoon's over. The drill is gone. What are you gonna do? I go see like, you know, could I sell out to take places like, you know, if it was the three of us or sell as many tickets as as the girls probably not, but I can sell a decent amount of tickets. So I've been going on the road, you know, trying to do that.

I'm gonna do the half hour. And then now can I ask a question? Yeah. You said when you go on the road with these girls, it's harder for you to do because you're at, but now when you go by yourself, are you getting your fans? Are they laughing?

Yeah. Are they getting you? Because now I get guy-code fans. Well, I'm performing, even though I'm on girl code, I'm still performing, they don't care about me, they care about the girls. I'm performing for the girls fans right when I do my own like when I just did governors There's all my those were guys who like when I start talking about my dad or shit. They're like yeah, you know So it's it's a little bit better. So let me ask you question. Does it bother you about you know the shit that you get for being on

Guy code or these these I mean it's talking talking head shit I think you've all did it you know It used to be the VH1 thing and now it's you what I just quit the VH Oh you quit the best week ever you quit it. Why is that well? I just because I know All right well fucking that's a better thing But I mean I'm saying quit it cuz you could of some type of Dignity or you oh no, I hated doing, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a,

I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a,

I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit of a, I'm a bit. Well, it's not fair. Ha, ha, ha. So, but you, me. Are you gonna sign, I mean, does it bother you that people give you shit?

Does it? Yeah, well, it did, it did for a long time. Even though like, people would come up to me, you know, say six months ago and be like, oh, congrats on this, congrats on that. And I was like, oh, don't call me a comic though. Like, I'm just some fucking talking head asshole. But then, when I did Letterman, I felt small validation. Now do the

half hour, I feel small. If I could get on Fallen, I'll feel, you know, again, I'll just those steps. I'm like I said, I appreciate MC. So your thing is to get now to get back to your comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Your thing right now, okay, I did this. Yeah. MTV. Thank you. I'm going to go do my comedy right now. I'll go back to MTV when they call me back. I don't want to leave MTV and you know I appreciate them, but I know inside me that I want to I don't want to say be bigger than them I don't want to I don't mean it that way. I mean like if I want to write my own show It'll be for Comedy Central for a network. That's what I want to do. You know, I want to be more respected

Like I feel even though I have you know, I guess some people say, heat, you know, it's different than Mike's heat, where I feel Mike is a lot more respected by our peers than I am because I'm looked at as some MTV talking head jerk off and I get why you know, can I tell you why? Yeah. I'll tell you why because we see Mike at the clubs every weekend. We see Mike doing stand-up. He's in the trenches when he doesn't need to be. You could go home.

I mean, there's some of the comics that have written for us and now that just go home when they're done because they're making their thousands of dollars every week. They're making their 8,000, 6,000, 7,000, 8,000, 10,000. I'm a trigger. So, you know what I mean? But you're on the road with two girls that have been doing comedy for five seconds, but you can't say no to that. I can't. You can't. And now I've been in the city. I've been in the city for four days. I mean, I've done, you know, 12, 13 spots, did two spots tonight already. Like, I said, when you're in my veils to the seller, I, I don't know. When you're back, when you're back, you're going to be back and all of a sudden, you're Chris fucking the comic. You're around out of sight out of mind. You're not around. And then where

is he? Oh, is it what the fuck is he doing? But you can't not do it. You're going to do what you're going to do. I mean, he's calling. Well, you're not going to get you're not going to get out of fucking getting your fucking balls busted. Oh, yeah. No the fuck is he doing? Well, you can't not do it. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. Well, you're not gonna get you're not gonna get out of fucking getting your fucking balls busted. Oh, yeah, no, I know. And I know, and I know even no matter what I get, I mean, I know, do in a half hour, even if I did the tonight show, I still get my balls busted because I'm still like,

you know, even the already langed, you know, I got shit for the orgasm. Yeah, yeah, the, you got the comics every day. Comics of, whatever the fuck comics of comedians, comedians of comedy, whatever. They would do, you know, Zach and the comics were out there doing the same shit we're doing. And we got bullshit.

We're just doing fucking dumb fart jokes too and fucking whatever being on a, they're in a shitty toy. It's just a less fancy version. And we got shit. I mean, we got shit on, I got shit on. And it sucks too. Even when they're like, dude, you were good,

but everybody, it's like, that sucks too. I don't wanna take that either. No, no, no, I definitely have a thing inside me that feels like I'm getting, you know, like my family thinks that I'm like this fucking great comedian, but I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm, I got that. I don't think you shit as a comic.

You know, I feel like. I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm, I got to. I don't think you should as a comic. You know, I feel like. I don't think you should. I think, I think you should know that your abilities. Yeah. But I think the thing that keeps us when you look at a, when you look at somebody, your peer get better or somebody that you know is, oh my God, how? I got, ah, fuck me.

I stink. Look at him. Look at her. Yeah. Fuck me. You know, when I thought I'd go somewhere, I'll watch look at him. Look at her. Yeah. Fuck me. Right when I thought I'd gone somewhere, I'll watch somebody do a set and I'd be like,

you gotta be shitin'. Yeah, that's why I love working the scene so much. Because there's so many people here that can do things I can't do. Right, I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's why I got her right. I would never be in a bed. Well, it's funny even tonight, Mike.

Like, you're going up. I hear you annihilating, right? And I'm like, OK, I got to go up. All right, fuck, I got to do, I wanted to go up and just do my thing. But I had to do a certain set tonight. I had to do this set that I'm doing at the Patrice Penifit tomorrow about having a kid. It's all this other stuff about having a kid.

And I'm like, I can't push you out. If I push you out and go and just try to get laughs right now and try to compete with what you were fucking doing, I'm fucked. I'll feel good. I'll feel I won't feel, but I gotta go up and open up with these. And then I go up and some fan of the, I guess she, you know, she knows who I am. Oh, and a fan coming to the betray. We love you. And she's taught you don't get it, you're talking, you're fucking being an asshole. Cause you're drunk and you yelling shit out, I'm up here trying to work, it's a fucking Monday.

This isn't a Friday. I'm not performing, I'm trying to work this set out right now. Now you just fucked up my timing, everything's fucking, and I gotta work myself out of a hole. I put myself in, but for some reason that, to me feels better, because I walk off feeling like shit. Because it went, all right, now I know I gotta go listen to this fucking 10 minutes.

I gotta find out, oh, I stayed in the joke long, and I did all this shit, that I gotta, there was some funny stuff, but most of it sucked. But, you know what I mean? If I went up and did 10 minutes and killed of my whatever horse shit, I wouldn't even be thinking about it right now, but now I'm fucking thinking about it.

For me, it's the opposite because I don't get to do comedy as much as I want to. Yeah. Because during work weeks, it's so exhausting. During work weeks to do stand up too, like to book stuff because we're on call and I got a cancel gigs I look like a jerk. You know, I look like I'm big time in people I usually don't try to book anything. I don't even send in a veil and shit, right? So

When I get off weeks like now we have some off weeks. I'll do stand up and most of my stand up is me doing Material because I'm just trying to get my chops back like I'm just trying to get my rhythm and timing back I feel like I got a I this times I'm up there like seven minutes into a set and I'm reaching back like what other jokes Do I know that's a thing because I'm I'm just way off every comic at the cell That's why I love the cell every guy on here is doing something. Yeah, where where are you the trying to get our ship back Working on new stuff trying to make something a little better and some guys are just trying to kill our ship back, working on new stuff, trying to make something a little better, and some guys are just trying to kill, which is fine too. I know guys that are up there, fucking just annihilating with their shit, and that's fine too. You know what I mean?

So I love, we're all trying to do something different, but it's, you know, it's, you know, fucking respected. I don't think, I don't think in my brain, I'm ever gonna be respected. What am I gonna hold up a fucking Emmy? I'm still gonna want an Oscar. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? And for me, I feel like you wanna,

you feel the heat, like for me, I feel the heat. Like, oh, he's gonna do this, and then I'm like, well, I can't be, I can't make these guys look like an asshole. Like, I don't want to. I gotta fucking, now's gonna do this and then I'm like well, I can't be and I can't be I can't make these guys look like an asshole I got a I got a fucking now I gotta do well because people think I'm gonna do well Yeah, I don't want to be a you know like I it's a lot of pressure There's a lot of heat on both of you fucks. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, but it's not shit We don't walk around saying like we're gonna be whatever it's my tell me this because I know like sometimes we get compared Because we both started around the same time. Sometimes I feel like

like you got like you got the heat but you got the kind of heat that I want. You know like I feel like you have all the respect yeah maybe I'm maybe right now right now maybe I'm the one that is air quotes known or you know, that's the air quotes is true. No, like bullshit. You know, maybe, I think Chris likes to do air quotes. No, what I'm saying is yeah, maybe, maybe right now I'm the one that gets stopped to the streets and people will want to pick maybe, but, but I'd rather be underground

and respected like you. Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean, I'd rather, I rather I get I got turned away from four comedy festivals this year because they don't give a shit that I did anything else that they look at me like some MTV, you know, talking head. Yeah, but listen, Chris, though, you're you're I don't mean to be bitching about it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the roads he went down, his comedy got him this thing at the writing position. Okay, the writing position is definitely more respected. Yes.

Writing and I said, it's the most respected. It's not the most. Don't get carried away. But listen, it's very, it's, it's, it's SNL, dude. You're a writer at SNL. Sure. You know, there's a lot of people that writing,

Louis was a writer, a tell was a writer. There's a lot of guys that were writers that was a writer, a tell was a writer. There's a lot of guys that were writers that went on to be these great amazing comedians. You went and you did, you, you, like, you know, it's this, this fast, holy shit, wow, fame that just came on and all of a sudden you're writing it and out. It's like when I did tourgasm,

I'm on this fucking tour. All of a sudden it's on HBO, after the subrano's every fucking Sunday, and now I'm doing this other tour, I'm all over the, and then, you know, it's, it's a, yeah, was it mine? No, and it kind of bugs you, because it's not yours, it's not,

it wasn't mine, it was his, it was his thing, it wasn't, I was always, so, you know, I spent the last five years trying to make my thing, this podcast was something that I wanted to make mine. Right. It wasn't anybody else's. It wasn't, I wasn't on this other show or someone else's co-tail.

This is my thing that I hustle and make. And so the fans of this show know, fuck, know me. They come here because of me. For me, I consciously turned down Like stuff that that right yeah, so for SNL right like like SNL was I If he had SNL an option of SNL. I'm sure he would have turned things down too But I mean like I turned on like like network stuff right for it like that really yeah, that would have probably been

You know famous yeah, but like it but for me it was I always I always go for the What's gonna make me better as a comic as opposed to because I'm a I'm a Life first like we're gonna be here. So it yeah for me like I feel like I'm gonna have opportunities I'm gonna fuck them up. Not everybody's gonna be there. I feel like I'm gonna have opportunities. I'm gonna fuck them up. Not everybody's gonna be there. I feel like I'm saying I was waiting for that one. I was fucking those but me I feel like I'm gonna get there's gonna be opportunities that happen to be famous or to be Popper be recognized or else but if I'm not prepared for it and I feel like yeah, whatever's gonna make me like writing and this Environment is like making me stronger. and being able to perform still,

making me stronger, being able to live in New York City is making me stronger. So like that's like the most, that's the paramount shit. Well here's the thing, when I got married it made me a better comic. And now that I have a kid, I think it's even making me a better comic. Because now, you know, I'm up there forcing myself

to talk about other shit that I would never ever in a million years. Think about talking about, I mean, I'm a fucking man. I own a house, I had a shovel a roof off today. It was on my roof doing shit. I was doing work I haven't done since I was a kid. Yeah, when I had to do chores. I had to do chores I was a kid. Yeah, when I had to do chores. It's crazy. I had to do chores today for a house.

And it's like my whole brain is in this other, but here I have to find out where that funny is for me. Because I can't, I can keep this, I got a couple hours of material. I can keep it. And I've been fucking off. I've been making mistakes the last, this is some real shit, man.

I did, for the Italian show, I did some material from my old album that I never got on TV, because it was too dirty, but then they did the Italian thing that you could do whatever you want. So I took this 10 minutes out, and I polished it off and I did it,

because I didn't want to give them a new, my new car. Right. And it killed. And then I slipped it in on a weekend. This little fucking eight minute chunk, you know what I mean? And mother fucker, dude, I kept sneaking back in. And then another one, and then something else snuck back in. And then all of a sudden I'm doing almost like 15 minutes of old shit Because it's killing and I'm like I had to stop

I had a fucking stop doing it. Yeah, I got addictive. It got addictive To do this older shit because these people the people that even saw me the last time They don't know what this shit is My old album or stuff that I never and all of a sudden I'm like, oh my god, I gotta, I gotta stop doing it because it's almost like new shit to people, but it's old shit and I'm fucking being a phony. And it just feels good to not have to worry about the hour. Right. I'm just gonna kill for an hour and I know how to do it. That's a dick. That's the. It's not the more than having something in your back pocket

that you know. I said my back pocket and you're trying to grow, but you're like, but you know what? I could just play this fucking card. And it's like having somebody else's credit card. That's what Quince did to me. It's like a corporate card where you're like, you know what, I could spin him in.

Well, here's the thing, Quince said it to me, where you can walk off stage and not feel guilty as a comic. He goes, that's when you're a comic. He goes, we all do something in that hour that we're like, what the fuck? What did that joke or fuck? I said that, I did that little improv and it was kind of like, you know, I opened up,

he's up, when you can do an hour and not, that's when you're a fucking comic. So it's weird, look man, you guys are both doing great. It makes me sick to my stomach. It really just knowing that you fucking assholes are right on my heels. That makes me feel good. Yeah.

It should either. It should, yeah, it should make you feel good. You're gonna fucking, I'm gonna walk right over my back. I'll be a fucking, I'm gonna fucking size. What do you do? Yeah, your fucking lifeless, chugaless, car bliss Yeah, it's gonna be a thin dad with a dirty polo shirt Yeah, you're going up to woodberry comments to get you know some deals. Yeah, and you fucking two fucking Clear look at fucking roof and I'd say I knew when I was finished

Well me and Keith were outside one night and there was these broads of they were just all over us Smoking Spanish brods. And we just killed. And then I looked around and I saw Steve Bern and Dove David off and Artifu Kwa. And they were just sitting quietly watching us try to fucking do what we do to these chicks. And then they slowly walked in, like fucking, like,

Chaininas. Chainas, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we slowly backed out, like fucking lions, you know what I mean? Yeah, we slowly were like, I mean we gotta go, yeah me too. And they came in and started to, and the girls like we weren't even existed. So it is a fucking scary thing and the only thing that keeps you relevant, the only thing is if you, you know, you keep fucking thinking you stink.

I think and keep writing shit. Keep trying to be funny. So you motherfuckers. Michael Che, what do you got, buddy? We're gonna end the show. I'm in Boston this weekend. I don't know if this will be out, but on my Caroline's March 22nd to 24th, I think.

Yeah. So I'll be there. You got a website? Yeah., Michael Jay.com and Twitter Chate thanks. Yeah, Jay. Thanks man. Very funny guy. You're one of my new favorite. Thank you Nobody really. Thanks for coming on. What do you got Mikey day? Chrissy day. Oh Chrissy I know I call you Mikey day You remind me of Mikey D a lot. Really? Yeah, you do.

You're not as country and as aggressive, but your attitude and, you know, I know you got it in you too, you probably beat somebody up. I'm sorry about that, Chris. I always wonder if he would like me, you know. He would have loved you. I hope, I hope.

He would have loved you and he would have fucking took you under his wing. Oh, I would be great. Yeah, you guys would definitely, because you're the same type of guy, even though you're a little more sensitive than most guys. Yeah, look at the fucking mic. Fucking tampons in my ass crying in Times Square.

It is gross. Yeah, dude, you're over it, right? Yeah, well, not completely, but I'm almost there. Yeah. Will you please call me next time you eat? I will. Will you call me when you're fucking sad? If you give me the green light,

I'll do, don't, don't, don't you honest gave me the green light. I fucking ruined don't, don't, Yannis gave me the green light and I fucking ruined his life for two weeks. Well, I helped the Yannis through his shit. All right. So you, you call me whenever you need me because I, I went through this shit and I, I got great advice on this stuff.

All right. I give fucking fantastic pep talks. I'll call. I really do. I will, I got your number. All right, what do you got, buddy? Me, um, you know, I got a website too, Christiecomedy.com, uh, and, uh, I'll be taping that half hour special March 26th at

the Royal Theatre in Boston if anybody wants to come. Awesome. Yeah. What do you got? Scopo? Uh, just by Twitter. Yeah, go to Chris. Go. Please follow this fucking. He said nothing the whole time. What was he on punishment? Or is it? No, he can talk. Why did he just get a mic right there? No, because I don't know you you just get a mic right there? No, because you guys were involved and I was just trying to get the cameras right. So, that's what.

Look, man, here's the thing, Scopo is learning, Scopo is doing the cameras. I think I wanna do this, I wanna switch off and have Kelly do these and then you do them. Do you understand? Yeah, I wanna do that, but every time I bring it up, she's like, no. Well, that doesn't matter What she says?

Hey, I'm gonna make that happen next time she's doing the cameras. You sit. She's still skinny Kelly. No really fat again Oh, but it's way better. Yeah, it's best she looks good. Thank you. Yeah, fucking titties is so much big tips But yeah, I got great news. I'm gonna be announcing very soon some really fucking Awesome news. I'm very excited about, I'm gonna hold on to it for a couple more weeks. Maybe not a couple weeks, maybe next week. What else, you know, of course, follow the show on Twitter and Facebook.

Tell your friends about it. Go to iTunes and share. What is it? Subscribe. Subscribe. Stay on them. stay on them. Subscribe, and look at these fucking two young bucks. And then go to me.

Look at it. It's called the Past, and then the Future, right there. That's the future. Ah, fuck me. I love the jackets. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe, leave a review, follow us on Twitter. You guys are the best fans in the fucking world.

Thanks so much for listening to The You Know What Did Podcast. Now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs shitty shit jobs Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet and they're all free and they're all free don't stop filming my face don't stop filming my face Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Spectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.