Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Steve Christ

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

It's a great one this week dudes! Robert Kelly chops it up with Tom Cassidy, Ian fidance and a returning Mike Veccione. Before the discussion turns into talks of sexual phone calls, Liz from the Comedy Cellar stops by for a good old fashioned YKWD court case! When Ian is through defending his case, this hysterical episode covers topics such as the NFL, Mike's love for his own jokes and Tom's currently finished writing job for Adult Swim. Don't miss this hilarious episode dudes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a claustrophic. It's a podcast, no rules. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a microphone? No, that's a fuck. That was trying to keep it like a comic head.

I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down. Yeah. And sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's hilarious. Can I get a mic? What the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic-can. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10-no-topics, no directions. I love doing it.

Way both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds the- That's how you love a part of it. I don't wanna do anything. My podcast is popular enough. I might affect something's like, You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com.

All right. We're live. We're here. One of us is queer. We, uh, Vekio. Vekio. And starts Vekio. All right. We have a great show today.

We have back for the first time in a long time. Tom Cassidy, how you doing? I'm good, Bobby. Thank you for having me back. It's been a while because you kind of went over to the dark time in a long time, Tom Cassidy, how you doing? I'm good, Bobby. Thank you for having me back. It's been a while. It's been a while because you kind of went over to the dark side for a little bit, didn't you? No, I mean, are we speaking of Kevin Brennan?

I think you went over there and didn't want to come on the show anymore. That's right. I've never been invited on the show. What I heard is that you fuck the YKWD. I want the real deal. It's never more of a compound comic. No, wow. Compound Cassidy.

Oh my goodness. No, I just never been invited on since then. Oh really? Because if you're feud with Kevin Brennan. No, I have no feud with that. I was the lateral damage. The lateral damage. Yeah, thank you.

No, I appreciate that. You're going to do prisoner. Jail getting treated back and forth. Why do I? No, I love having you on. I don't know why we didn't have you on you've always been fun So because of his betrayal Maybe that's a reason he I heard because I opened for Mike once did you really open for Mike why that casino show you?

Okay, that's not open for Mike. I love Mike. I'm gonna. I don't know. That's not my opinion. No, that's his name. Do this casino with me. All right, if he's doing 45, I need not headlining. Do the make-up. Smartest crowds ever. I think it's him.

They really get it. I mean, you really have to hit them in the face with the joke. What have you been doing? I had a writing job over the summer for adult swim. So that was cool. That's great. Yeah. Adult swim is fun.

Yeah, it was cool. It was the first season of a show called show called mostly for millennials. Hopefully that comes out like the end of the year Other than that I'm back to zero and He's something, you know, isn't it weird this round it out here. This business just sucks you back to zero. Yeah So fast. Yeah literally here taste this. Here's a runway Here's a red carpet. Here's some free fucking my derv's. That's the president of the fucking who and here taste this his a runway is a red carpet and some free fucking about derives that's the president of the fucking who and here's this fucking Louis C.K. who and then zero get back in the basement get back on that cross-town bus to the casino I

really it's an early one I think we all took a knee on that one. Exactly, please don't put that on your wet fro. Just put on the mic like everybody else. It's tough trying to be interesting. Listen. You're cutting. I am today. I got a bone to pick with you.

That's why. What? I have a bone to pick with you. I'm coming to you. That's why I usually go clockwise. I know. I'm going counterclockwise today. I'm going I want you little miss fit. Oh Fucking three-stooages face He looks like a muppet of Jim Henson. Can you pass that to him? He has used that every year since I've known him. Well, you don't have to find and tell us the origins We just asked listeners don't know that. What do you a comic book fan?

Mikey Vecchion. Yes, thank you. Mike, Mike, great to have you back. I always love you on the show. It was great. How's it going with you? It was really great. Man, the last time we had a really fun one. And then we went and smoked cigars. That was a good times, man. Oh, that was a great show. I woke up in a foul fucking mood the next day. Really bad. Cause I did yoga and I opened up my pores, I didn't sound queer, but I opened up my pores or whatever,

and then I smoked that cigar and it just hit me, I slept and hit me the wrong way. The next day I just woke up in a fucking foul mood. I don't think that's how it works. I think it does. I think a foul mood is by choice. That's a psychological thing. That's not a thing.

You were just wake up in a shitty mood though. Yeah, but that's not because your pores were open from yoga and a fucking for when they went in. So, it was a great cigar. I'm not shitting on the cigar. I just think the combination should be opening up. In yoga, like you open up your chest, you open up your shop.

You really do. You open up all your chakras. Thank you Tom. You open up all your chakras. I said it.ers. Thank you Tom. You open up all your shockers. I said it. Oh I'm sorry. I miss I miss heard. He likes Tom better. I'm trying to distance myself.

I think you're going to get it bad. I'm with you. We're all unified on the side. He likes in the closet gay. I suppose the sweating aides out gay. That was funny, but it hurt. I heard he aides out gay. I was sweating.

I was sweating. I was sweating. I was sweating. I was sweating. I was sweating. I was sweating. That was funny, but it hurt. I heard me. AIDS out game. What one? What?

He's sweating. I know, but AIDS out. Yeah, AIDS out. He's sweating his AIDS out game. He's the bomb, Dana. Oh, wow. You're not the person who decides that Ian. Are you guys friends outside of this?

Yeah. You're a very good friend. Yeah, they're friends, of course. Yeah, they wouldn't be able to talk. People don't like each other. Do not talk. Do we try to like this? Yeah. How they do if they wouldn't be able to talk people don't like each other do not talk to each other like this How they they do if they're just ultra aggressive no, they want to start glasses. What do you? You guys are gonna have a spelling day

Spell chakra spell veck you Toughen last name. Oh, we got it. I love you. We got it. We got it. Let's go to traffic on the ones. I was being here with traffic on the ones. Hello. It's Chelsea for Ian. Ian.

I love that you did this. You're welcome. I'm not a gag. Ian, how are you, buddy? I'm doing very well. How about you, man? That's great. Ian came with me this weekend.

Providence? Providence, Rhode Island. I have to give a shout out. Shout out. That's great man, that's great. Ian came with me this weekend. Providence? Providence, Rhode Island. I have to give a shout out, shout out to a federal hill, pizza place. What a great venue. It's brand new, this guy Billy. Him and his wife bought this old theater in kind of a crappy part of town, up and coming part of town, which you'll, you know, a lot of providence is in the last 20 years. And they opened up to some, he first of all,

he's a master pizza maker. I mean, no joke. Ghost in New York has been on the food channel all the networks. He's just makes fucking ridiculous pizza. What makes it good, the ingredients? Oh my God. The green, the green slice, I never had it before. It tastes like dessert. It was so good. It's, he makes pizza that you like, go fuck yourself. He came out with a pie, a square pie, which is coming back for some reason,

which is the original pizza. What's the story? Well, he explained to me that pizza in America happened when the Italian bakers would just throw extra dough and a baking sheet, spread it out and put potatoes on it. And then they, you know, in some olive oil and salt and pepper, then they actually started

putting sauce and cheese on it and they made the pizza. Then it became round. Mm-hmm. But, yeah, that's where the Sassai and Sliced came from. That's how we've got a shape from baking racks. The square baking. So the original pizza had potato in it? So you got me?

Yeah, yeah, interesting. Fact check that on your own time. Sure. Yeah, he was a great guy. He had us in. Very Italian, very cool. We had this. Providence is loaded with Italians.

Yeah, that's what we call it. Federal Hill. Boston is more. What does that mean? They called it Federal Hill as a fuck you to the mafia because the feds were stamping the out on the mafia so they called it Fed Hill since it's such a mafia-esque town. Really?

Yeah. What did you know? That's great. Did you learn that before you went like homework for the trip? No, no, I learned that. When he blew a guy named GiZepi. Yeah, I was getting some marinara sauce over me. He was giving me some... And did you know that I'm a federal kid?

Sorry, too many eggs. No, no, don't take it out. Leave it in your mouth. Now go out the top. The Dan was established today. He's so beautiful. How fun when you do it. No, we're making fun of you.

It's not lot of fun when you do it. We're making fun of you. It's not. Mike, that's loaded though. Listen, so we do the gig, great gig. You do the theater. It was here, it was a theater. They took all the seats out, so now it's this big mass of room with a stage and picnic tables.

You and Janis Scopo. That's the line up. And they're figuring it out. Like I called up the day of and they were like, you need sound. But on it, fucking rented a sound system had it hooked up for microphones. Boom, great. Boom.

They have an old movie theater upstairs. So upstairs is the balcony, okay? Of the actual theater downstairs they took out upstairs. So upstairs is the balcony, okay, of the of the actual theater downstairs they took us upstairs they kept the balcony. ADC comedy club. It's low ceilings. It's fucking beautiful. Beautiful. ADC theater style seating. Each seat has a little table you can flip up. Nice little stage. You can touch the ceiling. It's great. Yeah, I mean Gary Goman and you know Ben Bailey can't work there but you know it's a beautiful little thing. So he's going to do a lot of stuff with that place, which is great. But you guys did the downstairs

picnic table. Yeah, which is a little tough because it's a podcast. The sound you can't. There was no headphones. So we couldn't hear everybody was kind of talking over each other a little. Oh, you did a live podcast there It was fun doing the show really fun. You also did a stand-up show. It was really fun I had a great time, but I'm hosting these things and people don't realize when you're hosting a Show with three to five people or four people, you know, you got to it's hard to keep the conversation moving Find a little funny spot. You know what I mean? And let people go.

I think we found it. I think we did at some point though. There's a bit of a low. No, it wasn't a low. I was telling, here's what happens is sometimes I was telling a story and fucking in I just hear somebody talking like fucking yapping. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Like a heckler. You know what I mean? There's nothing worse when you're on stage as a comedian and there's people talking like having a conversation. Yeah. It's like fuck, right? Yeah. It's like shit.

I mean, just fucking shut the fuck up. It throws you off. Yeah. It's so funny heckling a podcast too. It's just a different. It's weird. Well, it's even funnier is that was two of the comics on the podcast. That's what's even funnier. Was it in? Wow. Yeah.

I'm fucking sitting there and this fucking ungrateful fucking Wop. It can. I had it. It's you. Yeah. It's ungrateful. Wop. And Janice, who I fucking, he's lucky, his father was, he was at his hospital. I was gonna trash him too. These two fucks, I literally having a conversation on the, the mics are picking it up. Oh, excuse me for having fun with my friend. Listen, shut the fuck up wait a minute I was also I was sharing a microphone with I don't get a yeah you shut

I couldn't grab a mic to interject so I had to say to you honest listen and have me listen to the mic shut You fucking mouth this fuck You know what I'm talking about just if you think it to be yeah, what's up to paint a picture for clarity? He's on the podcast right? Reannison him a right next to me. We're in front of a fucking crowd side conversation Well side conversation not about fucking. You know what? I mean, how was your day by the way? Doing a thing like a side-convo. Jesus Christ. You can't go along with anything. Look at he doesn't like you and I barely like you

Oh, stop it and we like each other. Can I just try? All right. I'm kidding. I already have this in. Be and Dan it. Listen, here's a deal. They're talking about snuff. That's where you knew girls the end of a four. We're talking about the snooze because I,

they're talking about snuff. We were up there for five hours with Bobby going, you know what I love about Boston? You got your soul of the year. It's people. Okay, you're talking to love about Boston? You got your soul of the year, it's people. Okay, you're talking to everyone. Everyone, you know, the food here. I'd rather have you fucking say that.

Boss, have a little deal with you. I'm talking talk about, here's a thing, engage in the fucking conversation or shut the fuck up. You're doing a show fuck face. Okay, and if you're not interested in you and fucking you think it's, If you think it's fucking boring, get the fuck up, put the mic down and go the fuck home. I don't think it's boring.

And shut the fuck up. I love you. Then shut the fuck up. And being there. How's that? I just wanted to back. How's that go? Because I was feeling for a cigarette.

No fucking say it's a boring fucking. I was in. I was in. This is what all these fucking car. This is the thing I hear. Absolutely. This is what I hear too the thing I hear this what I hear too ready this right here Oh, it's fucking boring so we had to talk to each other because what else I thought we were gonna have fun That's it you're

Projecting that's not what it was that's what you just said no, I was ribbing you then shut the fuck up We're doing the Ribs I guess fucking perform I did love to me exactly exactly Then shut the fuck up. When we're doing the fuck, I'm not ribbed. How's this? Fuckin' perform. I did say this. How's that? Exactly, exactly. But shut the fuck up. When someone's talkin', right?

I'm sittin' there. When you're talkin', you think I'm fuckin' bored out of my mind sometimes? You were boring. I'm giving you more time. It was fantastic. Listen, here's the deal. Fuck this.

Well apparently it wasn't, because in the middle of fucking me talking You had to bring up snuff. I'm addicted to cigarettes. I need it. I'm addicted to fucking pussy I need a whole team and fucking hamburger's and pizza. I was in a pizza place I didn't say I wasn't staring at a pizza don't hey bring me more fucking pizza I was literally in the mic you were thinking it. I was it yeah, but I didn't say it while you were talking I kept my fucking mouth shut. I did not know that the mic was picking it up I wanted some

on stage in front of everybody these two fucking ass fucks I have a fucking side conversation Right what's not while I can hear it. It doesn't even matter if they can hear it about it fucking not even Hey, give me a fucking stuff. Here you go. You know, that's quick. Literally talking about it. Like, what's this? Really? Is this a new or not? I've got it all right. Into a thing.

I took it and threw it into the fucking crowd. And somebody threw it back and he blocked it like Matumbo and it was a fun thing and people have been tweeting me saying that was a highlight of the podcast. Yeah, because of, now that might be a lie. Because of me. I fucking threw it into the crowd. This is what I fucking hate. It's like

Either I'm getting a laugh or I'm out Right you were there. I'm in the fucking laugh or I'm out. This is not the first time it's happened on this fucking podcast It's look it sometime and then he and then he goes well, what are you talking about is an interesting? I didn't say that. Yeah, you did. I was ribbing you to get a laugh. Listen, it was very interesting. Ribbing somebody, okay? Being funny, being funny.

Sitting there, ignoring the fucking conversation, not engaging. Do you know how it is for me to bring fucking three alpha fucks on stage in front of my fucking crowd? And then sit there and fucking direct and keep this shit going. And how many people lined up to hug you and say it was great. Everyone loved it.

Everyone loved it. As a matter. Why are you answering that little thing where I gave it to backo. It's no you shut you do it like a fucking performer. Okay. Keep your mouth shut and quietly ask for your fucking tobacco. You in the honest. I apologize for upsetting you. I didn't know that it was such a faux pas and I thought it was a great show. It was a great show. I had a fucking great time.

Not a blast. And I'm not on great phone. Very grateful. And it wasn't for it. Fuck the grateful. It's the fact that if I'm fucking talk, if you're in the middle of talking and I start talking a scope about his fucking sneakers or hey buddy, can you, I want to get some pizza out to this. I love, we'll get some more. You'd be like, dude, I'm fucking talking up here. If, if, if, if, if the crowd is seeing me and then they see you two fucks talking hearing you over the microphone, the PA talking about snuff for what it, what was it? Snews. Yes. Snews. What is snews.

What is snews? Exactly. It's a pouch of tobacco that you put in your gums and you get the nicotine you don't have to spit like chew and it helped. I just popped a nicotine gum because I'm getting stressed. I can tell. Bobby, you got to understand something. What?

I've known me in a long time. Yeah. He has the attention span of an Asian teenager. Yes. Okay. Yeah. He's an addict. Yeah, okay. He's just finding his sexuality. He has no-

You just described me. You literally just described me. And I'm just 47 with a wife and a kid, okay? I'm the same fucking guy. You know, you think I- That's why I get you angry? No, it gets me angry because when, this is what I hate. Let me blow you.

Come on. Apology exam right now. You might not look funny. This is what I hate let me blow you You need to put some snuff in the end of your dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my god, I was fucking furious. I'm I apologize. I know. Was there a blow up? Was there a blow up on the thing on the podcast? I didn't even think it was a thing. I blew up on the book. What I did. I didn't. Are you like I saved it? I was I What were you gonna say about how you hate something the comedians do?

I hate when this what happens when you come on a show, right? Yeah I love you like you watch Rogan show everybody's on that best fucking behavior Just oh when I want to be interesting and I want to just come off as the fucking and hmm You know, I mean you come on this show and you know one episode in there just like your mother's a cunt and fuck you and you No, but I think I'm this show guys, sometimes guys try to talk in order to get their jokes off like that pressure inside. Like let me get my joke off. The one thing I'm a little about like podcasting is it doesn't have to be funny every

fuck. I don't give a fuck about Reddit. I don't give a fuck if I lose all the fans except for eight. I don't care. Okay. Right. If someone's talking about something that interests me. And it's I don't care. Okay. If someone's talking about something that interests me, and it's I don't give a fuck. I was just wondering who those eight people were because it was a very

specific number because I had it when I first started, I had the original the fat eight. Okay. I had back when I started comedy in New York, I had eight fat fans that would follow me. I do a show. He'd have 30,000 people. The fat eight would show up. The fat eight would always there to fucking support me. Now a couple of the fucking fat eight I think have gone some of them got lap band surgery so then I'm fat eight anymore. There's a fat four. One of them books to stand the autistic eight. Patrick was one of the fat eight. He was one of the fucking gorgeous people in my life at the beginning of books to stand. You're autistic, ain't you?

Patrick was one of the fat eight. He was one of the fucking gorgeous people in my life at the beginning of my career. I just don't think it should, I don't think it Liz. Yeah. There she is. We'll get Liz's to put. Let's get this. Liz, you're right here.

Liz, you got to push up bar on. No. Don't. But thank you. You know, in your period, delightfully inappropriate. What's going on? I have good thoughts. Well, don't. But thank you. You know, in your period to likefully and appropriate. What's going on? I have good thoughts. Well, they look generally don't look at my tits. I never look at your boobs. Oh, is that a bad thing? Do you offend it by that? No, I'm indifferent. Oh, okay. See that's a woman right? That's a married woman responding. Man, I'm indifferent. What are you doing?

That's a married man fucking I'm indifferent. What are you doing? Coming my mustache I just walked into the movie cruising Have you the drier get your thought out on what you hate I feel like you still haven't gotten it out. Shut up. Not forward. I want to know. I just hate it. Okay, when comics, especially, you know,

especially on a show, like a podcast. Some of these podcasts, they just fucking, they just talk, okay? Just boring fucking dribble for an hour. Just so, so, so, yeah, that's a good one time. And I get it, people like that, I happen not to. I like a show that is fucking just whatever, okay? But sometimes, it doesn't always have to be a,

who's on here, Tim Dylan was on here one time, and I was like, well dude, the conversation was boring. I thought, I was like, who gives a fuck? You know, who cares? It can be boring sometimes. Right. I don't think it's boring all the time. I think it goes up and down. There should be a heartbeat in the fucking show, especially this show. I don't mind it getting serious or fucking. I got to offer to blow you at least once in episode. No, so we're doing a live podcast and we do, you know, it's, it's a lot of stress on me.

Oh, is this the pizza place podcast? Pizza party podcast, a lot of stress. I got a book it. I got to get rooms for people. I got a fucking make sure they're there. You know, if I didn't tell them to leave it 12, yeah, they'd never get there. They would have never made it to.

Especially if Scopo was driving. Well, Scopo actually was a good boy this time. Janus, 230. So they left it to 230. They showed up at what, fucking 730. Yeah, it's on great time. Yannis 230. So they left it 230, they showed up at what? Fuckin' 730. Yeah, it's on great time. Yeah, so I got to, but if they don't show up,

if they're stuck, I'm fucked. Yeah. Okay, so I got to manage them, I got to agent them, I got to fucking write checks, I got to do all this shit, right? Yeah. And then I got to go up there and kind of host this thing and it's a fucking crazy room, it's big. It's it's it's not the best. Don't hurt yourself. I didn't like that. That's right. I forgot to take my pepsi. I

Have some of my bag you want some? Yeah So we're on stage and we're doing this thing and I'm trying to keep the thing going. Yeah, if I stop talking everybody stops talking So we're keeping a moving you know trying to keep the thing going. Yeah, if I stop talking, everybody stops talking. So we're keeping them moving, you know, trying to keep, you know, find the funny kid. I start talking a little thanks. I start talking. That looks so scary. Oh, this is scary. Don't.

It's Pep Do. It looks like it's been your back pocket for a week and a half. I'm fucking mourning after pill. So we do the fucking. In the middle of the, I'm telling a story, not the most fucking anti. Look, I'm not sitting there going, this is the best story ever, please listen.

But I'm telling a serious story, and these two fucking Janis and him start having a full-fledged conversation on stage right to my right. What? On Mike. What? Now, can I make an addendum?

Hurry up. Okay. I I don't know where a colonial America Wait wait wait wait you want to make it a done fucking Hey, I love it Bobby felt disrespected is back to the podcast court right now this respected is back to podcast court right now and

judge might be on his my lawyer and Thomas yours all to your lawyer I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen of the jury and don't speak I know you don't speak the judge speaks what Zach you are the fucking jury bailiff here the baby

please introduce the judge the judge is Liz. Wow. Can you give me a favor? Can you smash that microphone? Good job, Mike Port. Wow. I like how we use game show voice. Alright. Okay, so let me, I'd like to hear exactly.

Would you get these Guatemala? Yeah. Give me it. Wow. There. Alright right I'd like to hear what happens I'm gonna tell you what happened I'm gonna go first yes please Robert sure prosecutors first yeah go ahead what what were they talking about I'd like to know what you were talking about I'm like I'd like to I'd like to ask the I would like to ask the Like you not gesture my client Thank you Michael intimidating the witness he did he did. Thank you. You're welcome. I would like to ask you a question

I like to man, man, please What was I talking about him when you interrupted me? Wow, I don't even know where you're talking when you interrupted me. Wow. We're even paying attention. Wait, he's on the stage right now, right? Yes, I was paying attention. I mean, case call. Sorry, I was not a court stenographer during the podcast.

Do I get to say my case? I'm going to say my case first. Sure, for the 10th time. Well, I just got here. Judges, I know, please, I know. I'm gonna. He's so quartz out of order. I'm gonna slag him.

I know. Slug me? Slap. Hit him with the dick. I'm with the dick gal. Well, the one he'd fucking put in his mouth. Oh, can I sit on the dick gal? All right.

I'm picture Lewis already has. There's some points. He just, look at what's in front of him. He dumped everything in his pocket out. He's got cigarettes, two lighters, a fan, a bandana, a wallet. He's on the point. He just looked at what's in front of him. He dumped everything in his pocket out. He's got cigarettes, two lighters, a fan, a bandana, a wallet, it's like, he's already going to jail and he just want to stop off. I got the plastic bag.

Yeah. Surrounder Mike Klein is a retard. He's saying, can I please day my pride? He just did a retard voice. He's heard him. What was his 1996 comedy? I would say, but yeah. If you see the police, Warren Abrilla.

He's not a pro-scient company. He's not a pro-scient company. All right, so we're doing the podcast. I'm doing my thing. Look, this Lolls, you do these live shows. You got to, you know, all of a sudden, you go somewhere and dies, you get to keep going. So I actually had a serious conversation about something.

We're talking about kids. We're talking about, exactly. You trying to pressure me and to get married and have a child. That's not true. I said that you don't, my point was this. If you listen and I, I'm gonna try to piece together this podcast because they didn't get me the recording of it. Oh, that's all right.

I might have, I might be able to piece the audio together. I was talking about that you comics spend their whole, fuck it, at least me, I'll speak to me. You spend your whole career, your 20s and 30s, trying to attain what somebody else has. Right? Fame, success money.

And you're just like, I want that, I want that, want that and you can't be and I said and my basic thing was You should just you should try to be happy first, right? like You can be happy whenever you want having a kid or a wife Or a house or moving to the suburbs doesn't affect your career whatsoever. Right. If it makes you happy, you can be happy. You don't have to wait to have 10 million dollars in the bank.

How old were you when you were your kid? 43. Seems like you waited. I did and it was a mistake. I wish I had my kid earlier because I'm gonna be fucking 70 when this kids 10 Do you hear the kid? Your honor can the defendant just question my Order he's a little out of order questioning Robert Kelly well

Let's get it right and clear the court right I might I mean this is out of control all the Fair your honor my client enjoys a Dominican boy, but so you can't really have a children child from that purchase children your honor. Why is my lawyer just Throwing me under this bus. He's ribbing you Listen fire your lawyer get a new one I'm all right. Busy has to take to get down get a new one. I'm. All right. Same bus. Yes. To take to get down.

Yeah. All right. I do want to know what. What did you and the honest start chatting about when Robert was revealing something like personal, personal, personal, personal, and meaningful. With the owner with the owner, the guy who brought me us the owner who was in the conversation. The one who was. Whoa. Interesting.

Hey, hey, don't interrupt. Interesting you mentioned the owner because I'm the one that brought him on stage. I shared my microphone with him. I was in between mics, between the runner and yawn. No one cared. You're on the first of all. First of all, you're on a, that was all set up. I already, before they showed up late, I was there at six.

Yeah. I got there at three. Prepared. And preparing. I set up everything. Everything. And I sat down with Billy and I said, I'm gonna have you up. We're gonna open up the show and then you're gonna come on stage.

You're gonna share a mic on this side of the table. Whoever's sitting there, you're sharing a mic with that person. And I told him he's sharing the mic. Yeah, perfect. So, under the stage, you're not telling stories. There is no interrupting. Did you bring I'm there? That was a hidden agenda.

I don't know in that well, but he had to share a mic. Therefore, he was lashing out and having to share him. He didn't get his own mic. So deep inside, something was burning and he was like, no, I'm going to. I'm going to point Mike. It's a very good. I'm going to screw up the entire podcast. It is a good point, but is it also true that you brought my client? Okay, you know what?

We're not discussing this right now. It looks like a caricature of an Italian. I'll try it. I'm too confused. Look at this little... I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list.

I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on the list. I'm on even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling.

I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling.

I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling.

I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not even gabbling. I'm not evenis has snooze, which is an STD. Look like that. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. Thank you. It's a smoking substitute. It's a chewing tobacco substitute. You put it in your lip and you can swallow it.

You don't have to spit it out. I'm addicted to cigarettes. I smoke a pack to two packs a day. We were having fun. I really wanted a cigarette. And I said, hey, can I get a snooze? And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, you want it? I go, yeah, yeah. And I go, no, no, no, no,ze? And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, you want it? And I go, yeah, yeah.

And I go, no, no, no, no, my lip. And he goes, yeah, put it here. And I go, okay, thanks. And then he, that's, that's a lie. Took it through it in the front. That's a lie. A guy threw that. He smacked it out and it was fun.

I have the, I believe I have the audio. Play it. Do you have the audio? Let me ask you a question. If you're lying. I don't know if this is a missable I want to I want to get a missable audio. I want to hear if I'm lying. Zibide let's go Audio if I'm lying what if you're if you're a lot they were having a full-fledged conversation on stage about it

Also, we're not we were giggling and having fun. No giggling it was a show on the podcast I had so much fun. I met a gal afterwards. She's coming. We're gonna get to that. We're gonna get to that. No, that's irrelevant. How much funny, Ed.

I mean, that's really irrelevant. To the gohesiveness of a podcast. You take on the road. I had the round. If they liked me, they said yes. And then they said, Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

I'd like to stricken his hand gestures. Oh, my God. From record. I would like a smoss his hand gestures. Please, go on. From record. I would like to smash stricken from the record. No! Do you have the audio by me? I think I might. I mean, the video because he forgot the card.

Continue. See? Wow. See? Connedes sending. I know. A forehead like that too. That sound like appreciation.

That doesn't sound like appreciation to me, Bobby. I mean, I had good pizza too. Yeah, thank you, Mike. Thank you, Mike. Hey, if you bring me to a burrito restaurant, I'll be fucking cool, man. If we do another show, you're going to get me to show a roomie play. Yeah, but then around your face. I need a new lawyer. How? I'll show you a lawyer just trying to get in your gigs.

Put him in jail. I'll take a spot. Lock him up. He'll take a spot. Lock him up. He's a real lawyer. Get ready for seven spots in the beauty bar. That was a joke. That was a low. That was low.

I'm just pointing it away. And I am there Friday night at 8 p.m. Oh. How Josh Homer opened up the books. Beauty bar. Josh Carter. Still the same. Josh Carter, I'm not gonna tell Josh Homer open up the books. Beauty bar. Josh Carter. Josh Carter, I'm sorry. Josh Homer's another guy.

That's good, huh? Oh my God. Where am I in heaven? Why, Bobby? Why? I just, it's the fact is, that on the stage, it doesn't matter how long it was right we're doing a live show Right and during a live show when somebody's Torted sorry he should be supporting you but to see a Z go it's really out of control literally he picked he did he did

Okay, and also not it wasn't the funniest podcast I've ever done. It was good. People said they enjoyed it. And he picked the cheeky picked up. Look it, let's just put it this way. Nothing to worry about. She was the hottest one there. Basic bitch. She's a Cape Veridian gorgeous angel.

Listen to me. First generation. She's a Connecticut six. Fuck her. Oh my gosh. She's a Connecticut six. she was a Rhode Island five Get the fuck out of you. What was she in let me ask you who's heavy a mere her? Well, this thing is called defender. I did over the suck you dig

Now she was a she was a pretty she's gorgeous. She's let's get. Gorgeous. Get out of here. That's so picture of it. It's like she's swam here. She's mean. Oh my gosh. That's pretty good. What? What? That is hard.

How friendly you fight. She didn't swim. She floated. She had four of her cousins on her back. Remember those shoulder monsters from Bugs Box? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't of her cousins on her back.

Remember those shoulder monsters from Bugs Bunny? Oh, Lizzie. Oh, sorry. No, she was a pretty girl. She's a pronounciate letterless into this. You still keep it touch with her, Anne? We were on the phone till 3-3. She's coming to the mother of a children. She's coming to be the mother of a children.

She's coming to New York Saturday the Monday. Oh my god. Oh really? It's cool. She's in love very quickly. Yeah, he does that. And she's an addict. He falls off the internet.

Exactly. He's going to be in love for a month and then dump her. I've seen this happen many, many times. This is the... You don't hurt. She dumped you. He's not even gay. just get sick of pussy. Can we take a rest?

Can we take a recess from the court for one second? Yes. Now that he's by, like if I walk around with him on like a hot day, like you know how like people when you're with your buddy,

like, oh, that chick's so hot. And like now that he likes both and he's out with it, it's just like, it's a constant flow of mode, like, oh, she's out.

That guy's dick is tight. Like it's never stops because he likes everything now. And if he stops, it's exhausting. If he didn't have that. I've always liked everything now, I'm just vocal about it. But if he didn't have the side conversation during my little fucking speech, and I was given, he would have probably learned something

about life. Yeah, is my point. Is that you don't need to do all that other shit. Be happy. I know, but I don't think it's all that other shit. Be happy. I know, but I don't think it's fair for me to bring a child into the world to settle me down and use that as motivation. I should motivate myself.

I don't wanna bring a poor thing into the world because I can't control my libido in my own life. I think that's unfair. Hang on one second. Can you have Rob send them to my email? I don't have them. Just resend whatever we have. We have reads that we have to do in a little bit and I don't have them.

Just say Rob, we're doing the show live right now. I need the reads. Thanks. All right. Yeah. But in your 30s, you were on the road the whole time. So you're not really around. You might not be around the kid that much.

If I was ever on a podcast, I'd never side convo for fucking. Yes. Lice and hand it. Oh, the game is a piece of shit. He's in jail now. It's over. This is going to be the next topic. Is, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to.

I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to.

I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to.

I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna I agree. But even up here, there's people that have done side conversations, you know, up here. They start talking. Yeah, I'm talking to him. All of a sudden, these two people talking they've had before. It's like, are you fucking nuts? Shut the fuck up.

It's not appropriate. It's not appropriate. I will admit, I was selfish because I was putting my needs over the betterment of the podcast, which I was incredibly grateful to be a part of. I did not expect for to upset you. Have you met him? Yes, I also love Ian, but this is what he does.

This is what this is. Why do I attract people like that? I don't know. Why do I like him? Just funny, well-rounded, and religious people. Why do I like him funny you well-rounded and gorgeous people why do I like him over you why do you entertain it no it is the opportunity to get angry yeah you would I have to release it good energy and I'm a light in the

lives around me I really attracted to fucking bad teeth Fucking Betty coax. Is that entertaining? That was a good one. That was a nice comeback. Fucking Tom had a good one. There you go. He gets to get that off. No, no, no, no, he came to the next bomb. Yeah, the next bomb. Oh, what's coming up? Here's the deal.

So we do the thing. And he does. Look, I love his energy. So I invited him. I'm a, I'm a, I love that he, he doesn't give a fuck. And I liked that he fights back. Yes, all those things are good,

but when actual work comes into things, he always fucking does things that make you crazy. Right, okay, so I know that now. Yeah, yeah, but I'm working on it, and I'm getting better. Yeah, but everything. But when you do these fucking podcasts, right? You got it, I mean, you got to work as a team. There's got to be order. It's got to be the best one

I ever the best one I ever did I want to lift you all up to the best live podcast ever did was Al magical Rob Mayu and Fuck Brian Possein I Was real nervous about it because they're not fucking dabble, dabble. Three. The conversation just flowed. But then there was interesting conversation

and everybody listened and it was this back and forth. We all did this beautiful thing together at JFL 42 at the comic, the comedy, fucking whatever that club is. What's that club? In Toronto. The comedy bar. Comedy bar, comedy bar. It was a great thing. the comedy fucking whatever that club is. What's that club in Toronto? Comedy bar. Comedy bar.

Comedy bar. It was a great thing. Everybody, I was a little nervous about it. It was great. Unbelievable. But then once in a while, you have these fucking people who can't keep it together. Something boring comes up.

Children, I don't want to talk about children. I loved the conversation and the knowledge you were trying to pass my way, even if I'm reluctant to the content of the conversation, I'm willing to listen and hear it. I asked for a tobacco product because I was going out of my mind, anxious wanting to smoke. You're on it. What is it?

I thought we, we a adjourned court for a minute because we decided it was on anyway. We're back in. I'm an entertainer. This is gabbled a gabbled coverage. We're back in. We're back in. I'm an entertainer. This is gabbled a gabbled coverage. I'm just gonna have to gabbled it. First of all, we're back in, kids. We're back in. We're back in.

Can you believe you just to judge again? Again, let's see. Everybody rise. Everybody rise. Judgles. Oh, Jesus. We want to leave on with respect. All right, I'll give it that.

I'm taking a knee. Go on and judge them. In protest. You wanna leave arms, Mikey? All right. All right, I'll give it that. I'm taking a new one and judgment. In protest. In protest. You wanna lick arms, Mikey? All right. All right, Liz. So.

All right. All right. So, you're on it. You're ready to. I'm ready. Let's do it. Do a verdict. All right.

Okay. Here's the verdict. Number one, you ruined the production value of Robert's podcast by having a side conversation with Janus Popus. Thank you. Very unprofessional, very disrespectful. I think you should convict Janice in absentia without a doubt. I don't know what absentia means without absence. You knew that too going into that. Look why I'm looking for your lawyer. All right. That's why you're

word absentia absent coming from the Latin for absent. I hope you know. I'm not any who you're on our I hope you get aged for me new I hope it's an island strand me to have breathed together I think you know you you should have known Robert's podcast last a certain amount of time get a nicotine patch or have this conversation about the dumb Tobacco product prior you're right and pay attention to what's happening in support, Robert. The person who brought you to the pizza party. Can I make a suggestion? I'm a proud man, but I can admit when I'm wrong.

How about this? Yes. Ah! That works too. I didn't hear you. What'd you say? That was. Oh my god, I didn't hear it.

That was professional. Wow, there it is. And then what? It's your business. And then that's it. You take it and then you move on. Right. And you don't hear it. There it is. Professional, pull light. There it is. And then what? It's your business. And then that's it. You take it and then you move on. Right. And you don't pull focus.

Pull focus. Good work. Oh my God. This is getting very industry. So now what is your, what do you have a verdict? The verdict is he's guilty. Guilty. Guilty is fuck.

Guilty as fuck. Throw him in the pizza oven. He just looks Jewish. You have to blow Mike. Finally. Now what is my, what is my punishment? We'll think of something. We got a punishment for you.

Oh boy. I got a punishment for you. And my son just called me real quick. I'm going to talk to you. Is that okay? You're going to get bored. I'm very interested. Hi buddy. I call you while why you I speak English he said he called you why didn't you answer? I'm kidding. What'd you say?

I oh, all right, you look at my kid look at a hair on the kids leg don't side gone Focus in on the car. See he just didn't right there there you're on a I love you buddy I'm doing a I'm doing a podcast right now how is school I'm talking to all these guys I'll show you ready are you ready there you go that right there that's Tommy that's Michael and that's Liz Hi, hi, that's Zach over there. Hi buddy. I'm a human with worth. Yeah, well you don't like kids Say hi to say hi to Ian. Do you like Ian's face? Do you like Ian's face? I just cried. He's crying.

Hi buddy, I gotta go. Washing his eyes out. Bye. I love you. Oh, don't. I'm coming home. I'm home. I'm home.

I'm coming. Click. It's like, come home, bye. What's my wife would do that once? Just come home. Click. If I went away for seven months, she wouldn't care.

There's only the checks we're coming in. Yeah. We'll get married. I like how Bob began her up to the forecast about a side conversation with his own side conversation. It was his time to laugh, allowed you. Like at my point was this when we were talking about it, is that you can have your dreams, you can have all you shit,

but you know, you can be happy now. Aren't you happy now? I am. I'm finally content with who I am, what't you happy now? I am. I am. I'm finally content with who I am, where I'm going, and I didn't need anything else but self-love and acceptance within myself. What about you, Mike? I don't know.

I'm about to fuckingquee right now from this conversation. Oh, shit. I thought it was men talking. I thought it was men talking. Oh, blow that money away. Really? Things are great. No, I think it's mental. Blow that money, really. Things are great. No, I think it's one of two ways.

It's like some people who have a family can get motivated by their family to go out and do more. But the guys who already are like working that way, I think a family would detract from me. In that situation, I'm in the second situation. I'm already working hard as shit. So a family would like, I don't know, maybe not, but in my hypothesis, it would draw away. But what if family actually,

if the responsibility of that wouldn't it make you work harder? I'm already working as hard as I can work. I really feel that. I don't know about that, Mike. But listen, the thing is, wouldn't it make you, my thing was if you see something, go get it. If you want, if you want something, do it.

I am. Not you. Okay. Him. What do you mean do you want something a relationship was? Well, I'm saying business. You want to be married? Yeah, I'd like to be.

But you're afraid of getting married. I'm meeting the girl. Because it might fuck up your career. Do you get to have to focus on that? No, the problem now is that my options, I just haven't found the right I'm not gonna A lot of guys do that where they just find somebody and then they settle I refuse to do that I walk I'll just be alone But no one has come where it's the right person

God's Mac Boston No, what you know stop give it back. I like Sally Can I give him this? No, what, you know, stop. Give it back. I like Sully. Yeah. He's from Boston. Yup.

He's from Boston. Yeah. He trashed me with Boston earlier though. Tell him to mouth, fucking Boston. It's so clear. That was really good. You know, I could be here. He did have a point.

Last week I was talking a lot about. Yeah. It was really my speech at the, it was very funny. Here's a problem. So then we do that show. We went, I tell you this, too. We went after Billy took us to the cigar bar. It was fucking great over by the Omni

and Big J showed up with Justin Silver and Christine. I'm telling you man, Big J, fucking made me laugh. Yeah. I mean, you left is the girl showed up. Oh, no. Yeah, she came in, she came in, sat down for a second and then they left. Where'd you guys go?

Back to her house. She took me to her salon and read my energy cards. What's a salon? Her, she's a, she's a fortune teller. Hair styling place. No, she's in a like chakra and like reading cards and stuff. She's a gypsy. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, she's like a black steven X. She's, I mean, but here's the thing is she's a Cape Verdean, but she's, it's weird because she looks like a white girl. She looks like a white girl. What's Cape Verdean?

She looks like a white girl that has black flowers. Oh Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. She's but no, I'm serious. She just it's it's a different, you know, there's a She's looks like it's a different black. I know how to say it. She's just Yeah, she looks like a white girl that you know some college girl that fell into ash. Yeah, I mean the shoe polish doesn't help, but. I don't know how to, I mean show him the picture. How far does she live from the great volcano? Oh, let me see. Let me see, let me see, let me see.

She's pretty. Yeah, that's a good picture. Yeah, she's a pretty girl. You know what, she's a lot prettier without the glasses. You called her a Connecticut 5, Bobby. I think you're pretty. Well, notice, she's not. Holy shit, she's a knockout.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you know what, hang on a second. He's taking that from a fucking second flow window. This is okay together. Yeah, show the rest That is good of a picture. She's okay. Yeah, she's back down to a five now. No, she's very handsome. No hands What is she doing on the other picture? I'm the other picture what? Show the whole thing. Oh, she's a good one. Oh, one on on.

Oh, she got a nice body. Oh, what? The whole body picture. Does anybody have any gum? I don't. I am nicotine gum. No, let's talk about it while you do this. He was a mint on the table.

Do you want the mint? So anyways, we go there. Big J shows up with, man, he was, I was, he was telling some stories, man. You know, look, there. Big J shows up with, man, he was, I was, he was telling some stories, man. You know, look, I like Big J, but I don't hang with him that much. Oh, he's so much fun. Buddy, he was a fucking killing it.

Yeah, he was a great time. He was fucking, he was telling stories. I was crying. And it was so funny because Justin would try to follow up with one of his stories Literally like rakes on a fucking on a cab Here's a whole body pic That's the first visual band and we've ever given on the show that's the first visual bomb

He buddy it was fun Jay would murder and then Justin would, I love Justin. I love Justin. Right, right. But I didn't even try to tell a story really after Jay. Jay was fucking murder. That's not a whole body. That's a squad of nits. Buddy, that is so, show, I want to fucking stand up. She's a pretty girl, but it's weird, right?

I mean, she looks like a, ugh. So, all right, enough, put the phone down. You're distracting again. Yeah, it's a pretty girl, but it's weird, right? I mean, she looks like a... Ugh. So, all right, enough, put the phone down. You're distracting again. Yeah, it's enough. Put your phone down. She looks like one of the women in the... So, Jay came on the podcast? No, we met at the cigar bar after I wish.

Oh, that's amazing. Listen, man, he, uh... What are you giving me this for? Put that back on your microphone. Okay. He's just, he's just a rogue fuckface. It's unbelievable. He's like the fucking, the shitty robots and blade runner.

He's infuriating. Yeah, he just want to put him down. So like, Steven, come out back. Steven Tyler. Yeah, take a dog like, I like this dog. And then when you get him on me, like, it's fucking too much work. Yeah. You love it.

Yeah, I fucking give it away. I give it right back to the shit. You put him to sleep. Yeah. I'll fucking. Yeah. That was out of line. No, my part. What? Kill him. Yeah, I put him to sleep. Hey, this is fucking exactly right

I'm like anachendrick you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. I will not miss you So you guys just want to do a live podcast, but you didn't do a show. Did you guys do a stand-up show? No, I made a stand-up. I made a stand-up for whom I didn't bomb well Who did you do what he did on the up. What a fucking piece of shit. He won up. He did all right. I made scopo do stand up. I said do five minutes. Fair enough before or after before as he came up. Okay. So I brought me in Yannis. I went up and then Yannis went up and then you know, because I, you know, I thank the fans for coming out because I appreciate appreciate it. Look, man, these guys show up at a pizza place

to see a live podcast, not comedy, and they'll come see me again. They've all seen me a bunch of times. The guy came, Jesus Christ, with the guy, who drove 45 minutes? No, it was a guy from fucking California, they came. What? Oh my God.

I think that's a good idea. He flew across many, he heard this this was happening and he was like, I'm gonna go do this and then I'm gonna go do this. This is like one of his destinations. Oh, that's awesome. I think that's a good idea to have each guy come up do like some time and that's it down. That's actually pretty good idea.

I usually do. I usually go up on the live ones. I'll do 10 minutes and then bring up, you know, honest to 10, but I couldn't because, I'm yeah, contractually I'm doing the connection, I love those guys for that. So they said just do your podcast, but I was like, you know, let these guys do some stand-up.

I give you as a fuck, it's a show. So Scope went up and did it, then Ian came up as a ball of energy, and he just started smashing the crowd, which was pretty funny, and then that fizzled out, so then I just said sit Let me tell the joke

No No, yes, let's end shot up fucking It's another thing I hate about these young fucking comics when you hit them they go that's not true. I know. We know. We get it. Well, not with these guys, not with these guys in particular, but you don't have to do stand up comedy anymore to be in the scene. What do you mean? You don't have to do stand up comedy.

You could have a podcast, you could be a roaster. You don't need to actually do star. You don't need to do stand up comedy. Where you can just hang out. You don't need to, you don't need to hour a stand up. At all. To be famous. But I really don't want to fuck him. 20 minutes. I don't want to settle for the time. You I really don't have the time to headline to go headline. No, I want that

Focus I am I'm hungry look at all the shit in front of you. Yes, you're the most unfocused person I know it's very hard. I'm trying I'm a focused person. I know, it's very hard. I'm trying. Except the worst York sale. I'm trying. You should see my bag. It looks like a homeless person.

Actually, if I went to a yudsel, those are the only things I would buy. I'm going to go to the market. And then the next day, I left, and I went to, this is another thing that bugs me about you. He put me on a fucking group text about going back to New York. No, it was about getting breakfast in Rhode Island. Yeah, I'm not there. I wanted to be the brunch bunch. Yeah, I'm not the brunch button. I talked to Jared Fried. He's the French. I'm a grown man. I do breakfast. I'm a dinner.

I don't do brunch. I don't know. I don't know who would be fun for the fellas to get some eggs. Yeah, but I'm on this fucking thing. I didn't know you were being beaten. Well, then Yard is just, these fucking assholes can't get this shit together. I'm sleeping. Me too. I'll go it up. Where are you going?

What do you want to do? I'm gonna live it three. I don't know. Maybe I will. That girl was awesome. What'd you do? BING BING BING BING B know. Maybe I will. That girl was awesome. What'd you do? Bing, Bing, Bing, that's rude. Oh my god. It's like they put you in the side conversation again over the phone. Oh my god. Terrible. It was fucking nuts, Liz. And then you went to Boston to win an award, right? I went to I won the I didn't go to win. I won. Or you want to know if I want to accept your

I'm sorry. Yeah, no, it was great. Jim McHugh. It was weird because it was all the old guys we came up with. Joe Carroll. The guys you don't know, but a funny guys and, you know, we, me, we all came up with them. Joe Carroll.

What? All right. What news alert just came up on my phone. It says Saudi Arabia will now allow women to drive So Jim Carol anyway You're saying how progressive I mean

What is this? He is a fucking spy. That's the only fan he's got. That was easy. Oh my god. That was good, Mike. No, it's not. I have a bunch of fans. I have the skinny eight.

It's not another girl you meant, Rhode Island. Woof. Let me be the fat four. The fat four. Oh, shit. Yeah. Is she a big girl? She is, I love it.

Will you make it? No, it was so sexy. She turned me down. Really? Really? And now she's coming to New York? Yeah, we just dirty talk all the time and oh my god. I'm sorry. Just threw up a little.

I don't know everything I'm gonna do and I want to wash your body. Hang on a second. What's your name? Your name is Shana. Shana. Can you be Shana? First. I told all right, go ahead. You're not one true inside of me. What is she?

An old actress and I want to ruin side of me No more wire higher She's Cape Verde she has a sexy voice. Yeah, she's like a wiker like oh my god Hot should I call her right now? No, she didn't call her so sexy. I'm sure her boost mobiles cut off Okay, we're talking on the phone on the phone Her fucking future I'm done. And my right body is in my head. Oh my god. She's kind of town, Tom. I'm joking. It's a comedy pie.

Judge, this port is out of order. Oh, that's a waste. We went hard, King. I can't be emotionally invested in every relationship. This kid starts every three days. He's a killer at dumb con. Yeah, it was a joke. I thought we had a cello name of a podcast.

Oh. I'm sorry, OK. Ring, ring, ring. Hey, and what's up? Hey, baby, I just want to worship you. I can't wait to take you home and just lick every single inch of your body. Oh my God, I'm so wet right now.

Even though that's right. Can I, can I remember seeing this? Can I just worship again? Yes. You never worship your gal? Oh my God. Worship. Oh God. I would drag my seat.

I would drag him. Bro drag We try to have home You get it in phone So you're like yapping to somebody else I would drag my dick through a mile glass just to hear you fart through a speaker Oh my god I like how your body looks like an in-sheep plumber Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna clean my pipes. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna check your seal. That's right. I'm gonna clean my pipes. Yeah, I'm gonna check your seal. That's right. I'm gonna Joking is joking We're gonna shut my fist up your ass and wear his hand puppet

Rude that you interrupt me right before I came by It's a lot different when you're kissing okay, listen You're on the phone. Is it just audio or FaceTime? Audio. So audio and she's like, hey, what's up, baby? Yeah, you just kind of talk. Just get into it.

It was so good seeing you then. All right, can't wait for you to come and visit. I can't wait. Are you sure it's okay? Oh, I know it's okay. I don't know if it's okay for me to rip your clothes off when I see it at the bus station. Stop it! I'm not taking the bus. I'm not poor like you. That's what I was going to okay. I don't know if it's okay for me to rip your clothes off when I see it the bus Stop it. I can't stop in the bus. I'm not poor like you. I was gonna sit bus. Yeah, you're making it take the bus

Spring for a train, dude spring for a train What I don't have that kind of money, but I'll spend it on you. You would if you kept you a fucking mouth shut during my podcast I'm trying to work hard for this baby. So you can take the train next time. You really sending around the bus? Are you really? What bus? Greyhound. Well, this is Greyhound. Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Keep using it. And it's Ramon. Who is this girl you're speaking to? Ramon, leave me alone. I'll get to you later. I thought we had something in. We do. I left it at the glory hole in 30 seconds.

It's actually on 20, 30, and eighth. Yeah, I accepted this award. Did he hang on one second? We do I love to do the glory hole 30 second Actually on 23rd and 8th yeah, I except I accepted this award did yeah hang on one second did he? I gotta get this shit. God damn it. Did he send it? Yeah, can you do that for me? Can I defend Greyhound is actually a pretty good bus? De-Greyhound's better than the Chinatowner. Yeah, they make a Chinatown that competition made Greyhound step up their game They got like nice seats internet Will meet in Greyhound bus station can suck a fat fucking dick. It is the worst in this fucking country. It's horrible I got comic of the year in Boston. It was a great, but here's what happened that was fucked up is I got comic of the year in Boston. It was a great, but here's what happened that was fucked up is.

It's impressive. That's like a white theater of the year award in Boston. You're not a work destroyer. Can you print this for me? It's two things for me. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I'm doing a bunch of shit.

Yeah, the printer's on. It should be on, right? Yeah, that's on. So anyways, we, yeah, it was, what happened was they said, do you want to do time? It was a sold out theater. It was the finals. Great comedians. I mean, I was listening happened was they said do you want to do time? It was a sold out theater. It was the finals Great comedians. I mean I was listening to all these young comics. It was nine of them and they were really funny motherfuckers Barry Krimman showed up who I fucking adore. Oh, yeah, I really do Tony V who I love I love Tony V

I don't know I know he likes me, you know, we're front But every time I try to talk to him I feel like I bore him. I'm a very boring per I understand that that's why I kind of forgive Pim and Janice So kind of zoning out a little bit. I understand that sometimes me my wife goes her her advice to me for the speech Don't talk too long And then she goes don't talk too long. And that she goes, don't cry either. That's my wife saying that. Did you feel emotional? No, of course not.

But when I got out there, they introduced me Robert Kelly. They gave credits, then they said, give it up for Robert Kelly. And I walked out and it fucked me up because I've never walked on a stage in front of a crowd and not did my standup. My brain went, tell the jokes, tell open, hey, do my thing. And the other half of my brain was, no, no, no, you're not doing standup, you're talking. And I was like, did you talk about that? Did you say that at all?

I did not because I didn't understand it until after later that night, I was like, what the fuck was that? Do you have something written? I had a little thing. I basically was, look, I fucked up. I should have did, when I went comic of the century, I'm going to have a different whole different thing. Sure. But I was like, you know, I just feel it go out there. I shouldn't have did that. I should have had a little something. I had a little something here and there. What did you say? I just said that I'm very proud to be a part of a Boston comedian because the lineup that I can announce to be part of is fucking epic.

And I was like Lenny Clark, you know, of course, Kremens and I named a bunch of the guys, Dane, Patrice, and Billy, and Swini, and Gavin, and, you know, Leary, and Stephen Wright, and I just went through them all, and I was like, and I go Boston comedy, it doesn't fuck around, we fuck around. And it was kind of, you know, some of the where it was held, I've been arrested in some, I've been, I've been, I got beat up so bad in some of the hospital, it was, I remember I was been, I got beat up so bad in Subway, I had to go to the hospital. It was, I was, I remember I think it was 13.

I got the shit kicked out of me. Hell yeah. At the Subway projects at like 12, 30 at night. I just got by men by like 25 year old men's beat the fuck out of me. And it's just weird that I was in Juve Hall. I got arrested. I did so much crime.

I did so much fucked up shit in Medford in Subway. And that would be accepting this award in front of, you know, these people. shit in Medford and Somerville, and that'll be accepting this award in front of these people. It was beautiful, right? I wish I said that. I didn't. I thought it after, but. What did you say?

I forget. I deleted the recording too, because that was one of those things where it was like a blackout. But I did thank my mom and my family, and I said that, I got, I'm funny because of the Boston, because of the streets, because of the way we grew up, because of my uncles and my aunts, and then I was a cousin of my, and my

three fathers. And my mother was like, he have one thought, you know, she gets mad when I said it, my dad Larry's my father. Um, anyways, it was a great night. And then after, um, it was a little weird, you know, these plaques, I gave one to my grandmother who's, you know, kind of, 95. Wow, that's awesome. That's nice. She's still alive, she's still good. She's hanging in there a little bit.

She's kind of on hospice now. So she could live for six more years. She could go tomorrow, I don't know. But I gave her the award, I actually moved over the Pope. She has the Pope, I pushed him to the side. I put the award. I gave the other word to Max put it in his room. It's cool for people, you know what I mean?

But it's also cool for I think comics, you know, from Boston to be like, oh shit, you know. Well, you come from a very comedic city. There's only a few of those cities that like have that thing to it. So it's cool to be the best of. But it was cool to be a part of, here's the thing that I was telling everybody I never I've never

been asked to do the comedy festival Should have mentioned that yeah, I've never been asked to do it. Yeah, that's crazy. There's a real bitter speech Yeah, no more of a diss track Yeah, I didn't want to mention that because I didn't want to fuck with the guy, you know, who was, you know, Jimmy who's nice enough to, you know, so that's a guy fucking who cares. I did, you know, you should have been like suck my dick and then drop the mic. And then just stop. I took my dick out and pissed on the trophy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you, Boston. It Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan.

¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. She's gone, she's old. She's gone. Yeah, she came up and after my set she was like, oh, thank you. She gave me a kiss on the lips and I felt something. Yeah, it was a little weird nice

The NFL I want to talk about that. I gotta do this read the NFL. I mean what the fuck? By-by un-believeable I mean again the fucking patriots just pull it out right at the end Patriots 61 yard 60 Eagles fuck you Nice baby. Oh my god. I don't know what sports. We're saying football Ian's like I'm protesting That's what he's doing right now. I don't watch sports. You don't watch sports at all. Why? The only time he kneels is 30 seconds and seven I take a kneel for different reasons Bobby

I used to watch baseball nails younger. I take a deal for different reasons, Bobby. I used to watch baseball and nails younger. I got a Philly tattoo, but I just don't care anymore. It's weird. Football culture. You just wear an adult man's work uniform. Yeah. Yeah. You know, wishing you were someone else fantasizing fantasy sports, it's weird.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm not into sports as much as I used to be right in my 20s and 30s and just coming from Boston. You were made to fucking right right. Hate the Yankees hate the fucking jets. You know, hate the Lakers. You know red, you know, red socks, Larry Bird and and then I did I did shut. You know, as I got older, I had a lot of shit to do. It was like I didn't have time to invest so much. Yeah.

But I got to say this, this is, I'm not even a Patriots fan, but Tom Brady is unbelievable. He's just unbelievable. That's my favorite 30 for 30, his story because he wasn't even a starter. He wasn't even a starter at Michigan. Like he was splitting time his junior year and he had to earn it. Like, and the other guy would put him in these holes And he would come and bail the team out But they still wouldn't name him the starter. It was is unbelievable. He's just an unbelievable story

And he's just the I mean, I thought Montana came up in Montana was the best court He's out of the Montana there. He really is Fucking that was super bowl. I think was yeah, that really it's unbelievable Yeah, but a Montana to not saying that he's the go what a fucking idiot. It's like just shut the fuck up I know you have an ego to but you know fuck off. He's he's the man. He's the fucking man. I mean Montana was great But Brady is I mean his that 30 for 30 is inspiring is it on Netflix now? It should be probably it should be But it's the best 30 for 30 there is calm Let me check it's funny because deep discount guys I don't know if you been to deep discount no tell me about it have you been doing that perused a deep

discount I'm pretty sure you get 30 on 30 in here but you get a bunch of stuff on deep deep discount.com a website loaded with CDs vinyl DVDs, Blu-rays, video games and more. Go see for yourself, Michael. Go to deepdiscount.com. Just click their logo on my homepage, ridecast.com slash Robert Kelly. Take a look.

Just go to my page. Take a look. It's unbelievable. Like right now over there, there's thousands of Blu-rays and 4K titles on sale at incredible prices. And the more you buy, the more you save. Just look for special codes and sale icons. Stop wasting your time.

I did it last night. You go to Mike. I'm sorry. I thought we were doing a read. I mean, that is as rude. No, I think you're doing a read. Yeah, but you don't fall asleep during that read. No, I'm not falling asleep.

I just thought you were doing a read. Yes, what, what? Yes, Ian. Guilty. He is. No, I thought we were taking a break. He was paying attention. I thought we were doing a read. You, what, yes he had guilty. He is. No, I thought we were taking a break. He was paying attention. I'm here.

I thought we were doing a race. Do you need a nap? Do you need a nap? No, I'm stretching back. I never had to take somebody to take a nap during the read. Look, my yoga school says that anytime you get a break in the action, you need to, um, take that break. Well, anytime you, I'm gonna tell you this,

anytime you're on Netflix looking for something, they gotta fix the Netflix thing too. It's like one little bar and you have to scroll to the right forever and then scroll down and continue. They gotta just have a shot, let me get like a porn site. Genre everything. Genre everything.

Stop wasting your time searching, and searching for something. You're gonna watch only to end up with some crappy quality of wars. Where she came anything. There's nothing to watch. I did it last night. The three in the morning. Instead go to deepdiscount.com. Find what you want to watch. Buy it for a really cheap price and have it forever. For you viewing leisure, whatever you want. Thomas. The fans know, look, you'll find new releases too, like the entire Ken Burns Vietnam documentary,

which I hear is fucking phenomenal. I talked to Colin Quinn about it. He was like, it's the best thing you'll ever want to watch, you can go right now, you can buy it. It's on sale, you can own it. Okay, finish it when you want. All right. It's on it's airing on PBS right now, but you can own it, watch it when you want right now. Over a decade in the making, this exhausting and compelling documentary tells the story of Vietnam from the first hand Perspective of those who lived it my father was in Vietnam. My uncle the real one

My dad my biological dad my uncle was in Vietnam. Yeah, you look like a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah Well, hi in Vietnam You stop rubbing your chest Who lived at veterans that said said the POWs, journalists, diplomats, protesters, South Vietnamese soldiers. There was one column when you watch it. There's one officer. He's like, I would, these Vietnam column,

I wish I had 20 of them. 20 of them, I'd win this fucking war. Or 200 of them or something like that. If I had 200 of these soldiers, I'd fucking win this. He said they were the best soldiers they've ever seen. The Viet Cong? The Viet Cong. fucking war or 200 of them or something like that. If I had 200 of these soldiers, I'd fucking win this. He said they were the best soldiers they've ever seen. The Vyacan. The Vyacan.

Whoa. Wow. South Vyacan. The soldiers, the civilians, every... South Vyacan were the best. Or the North. The ones that were fighting the North, right? There's the North, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking idiot. Don't ever expose me. Ever again. Ever exposed. Don't ever, don't ever expose me ever again. Never, but don't ever sleep. Do exposing you. Don't ever, don't ever fucking ask me questions. All right. Even enemy combatants have brought to life in over 16

hours on 10 discs. Get your copy now. Blu-ray DVD for a great practice. Click logo. The logo found on my homepage, riotcatch.com slash Robert Kelly. my sponsors you dudes Support my sponsors go there right now buy it buy your favorite watch it when you want and check it out now Thank you deep discount. I really do like deep deep discount. It's a great site I've been getting back into DVDs because there are some movies that I like to watch and I just have right there because there are some movies that I like to watch and I just have right there especially for my kid. Yeah, you have like a kid and it's like I want to watch this again. I want to watch this again. Is he a Thomas the train? Not anymore. He's a four-year-old but he was.

More of a SpongeBob. That was so fun about Blockbuster going out and getting the physical thing and putting it in the VCR and everything. You know, I kind of thought it was cool because yeah, because you had to get up, go to the Block Block around, you shop people there and see something that looks interesting you read the back Yeah, wait for that movie to come back as coming back as supposed to be back today Yeah, you see somebody walk in with you like oh that guy has that fucking where you go to like a mom and pop video shop And you see the the workers picks the porn section. Yeah, and that's picks. Yeah, yeah, the porn sec that's a one-time I got grounded as a child because I got caught in the adult section really's like that's the one time I got grounded as a child like I caught in the adult section Really, that was the one time

Will behave child, were you really kind of yeah pussy It's really open up now Will you well behave child? No You weren't that was a wild trouble. Oh, yeah, what was the most trouble you ever got into? Oh my god I don't know. I did a lot of bad stuff. I would like to destroy property. And then I was just acting out and getting into fights and fucking getting brought home by the police and fucking, my mom was going to send me to military school.

Oh, that would have made me so happy. That would have been great. You know, happy he'd be in the fucking with a sailor outfit. Yeah. I'm just a little crappin' jack uniform. But he's in the army. Permission to come a puller.

Permission to be granted. You're on the army so you put that fucking bell bottoms away. You fucking queen. If I catch you with another sailor in your bunk, Liz, you were trouble, you were trouble maker too. I was, I was a trouble maker. I was a really, but I was never in trouble. Like I was misbehaving all the time, but I would never, never get caught. Yeah, never. That's why. She's a very high, I was like, I mean, I should have gotten trouble for drinking. I got suspended once for throwing a party on a school field trip. Like, drugs, alcohol.

But then I went in and I was like, yeah, I'm not suspended. I'm coming to school and they were like, all right. I was just like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I was a little crazy, but I was always like- What's the worst thing you ever did that nobody knows about? That nobody. Yeah, please spill its sister. Everything.

Like what? I mean, drugs, alcohol. Gang bang? No gang bang. No gang bang. Like what, what did you give you, did you ever rob something? Yeah. You did?

Yeah. What? She says it like geth, bag. No, I was I was not I was you know, I was but again I would What did you rob? Little petty theft petty. What bubble gum. I stole from whole food. Bubble gum t-shirts You name it. I stole from whole foods. It's simple. You just order. You go eat it and then you walk out I got a salmon and Brussels for you you do it a lot. Yeah.

What, could you need to? Well, because it's, you know, foods expensive. Sometimes he just hides the hummus in his mustache. I'm trying to, I'm trying to make everything worth it. Do you have a bottle in it? Yeah. He's saving up for a bus ticket. Can you please give it to Thomas?

Oh, it's a chocolate. Who got a chocolate? You chocolate. I know. I know. I know. I know. He's the classic artist. He's the classic artist. Bobby, that's out of Salott, well, it was a sympathy chuckle He's literally telling us that

It's a classic out of us Probably that's out of us a lot Not with us I've never heard a comedian admit that I have to steal food to live Okay, he did it yesterday And he does it all the time And you went, he hides hummus in his mustache Literally, it doesn't even make sense

You can't hide hummus in your mustache It's farcical Come on You use another hide hummus in your mustache. It's marciacol. It's marciacol. Come on. You use another big word. I'm throwing this on. Oh my god. You're exposing Bobby.

I will file you. I might take a beating, but I'll fucking take that chance. No more big words. Farsacol. Farsacol. To say fake. Fugaisy. Fugaisy. Fugaisy.

Fugaisy. Federal Hill. Managhan. Mike, you stole it yesterday. Yeah. Well, do you need money? Can you feed him? Yeah, I'm a check.

I was just, Is there a thing in you will for long rains today, but I, is there a thing in you that whole food kind of deserves it? Yes, and also I don't buy a subway ticket or a subway card. I jump on the trains. You jump the turn time. You did all week.

Oh, you drive your bike a lot. I ride my bike all the time, but also I have to turn style, I sneak on, I won't fucking give a dime to the MTA. If I get someone to swipe for me, I give them a buck or two, because I'd rather people get the money than fucking MTA, because they're fucking us

all the time in what, 2003? How much was it for a month or a month? Our natural milk, relax. That's cool. It's coming up. It's coming up. T.A. because they're fucking us all the time in what 2003 how much was it for a month or a month or a month? I'm not the good way. K people should have the same rights. Yeah. He should open for Derosa. He's got like Derosa energy.

Doesn't he? You got that? No, I don't fucking. I'm a man of principle. Absolutely right. Well, I'm trying to make it work and I don't have a day job comedy and acting trying to fucking make this thing work, you know. I know I hear you principle. Absolutely right. Well, I'm trying to make it work. And I don't have a day job, comedy and acting, trying to fucking make this thing work, you know? I know I hear you, I understand it.

I don't, I mean, the whole speech about the, I like giving the MTA money because it gives the city money and it gives people jobs and it makes the city better. And it's interesting. Cuomo just gave the city $60 million instead of putting in towards the train cars or putting lights on the bridges for tourism. Yeah.

All the subway lines are messed up. They're shutting the all train down for two years. They're shutting two stations down the Queens for eight months. And they just open up there. They just open up the, what is it the two? Second Avenue line. Second Avenue line. Yeah. Which is beautiful. Right. It took 18 years of fucking it takes a long time to fucking dig under a city that's already there right But they need to put a bugger on trolley cars the fucking yeah, dude They need to get rid of single passenger cars. They gotta get rid of you look they need more bike lane Yes, dude The whole city needs to be like answer damage just everyone travel on bike You want to come out sharing I know he's gonna start pushing his

The dead of winter what are people doing the dead of winter? In the dead of winter, you fucking suit up, you ride a bike, you fucking car share, you don't, you know, the subway's getting way too crowded, man. And then they're shutting down for an hour and a half on the F-line underneath ground. People are opening the doors and walking through the tunnel. I don't take the train, I'm gonna scumbag.

I know, you're good. You're good. I throw a metro cubs away. I use the one looking to the trash to find them. I know. You're good. I throw a metric cuts away. I use it more than I thought. I'm looking at the trash to find them. I think the subway is amazing in New York. It's the fastest way to travel.

And now with the app, you push a button and you tell you exactly when the train's coming. If there's a delay, and you can, if there's a delay, you can go to another train and take it at the same spot. It should be so much better than it is. It's always, yeah, we get it in the 30s. The infrastructure does need to be. They can't do construction on the train and then on the bridge at the same time.

It's like you got to choose one. They do that sometimes. They're building all these high rises for fucking the Eastern European laundered money instead of fixing the ship or the citizens of the city. It's fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Di Blasio. You and Tim Di Blasio want you to do a podcast. I really like it. Yeah. Fuck you to Blasio. You and Tim do what you do a podcast.

I really like it. I'll fuck you to Blasio. Oh my god. I voted for my mayor. He's on the right hand. I'll fuck you to Blasio. I think you can't sew it. Oh, I'm sure he got it in one way.

What the hell? What? Ian doesn't like me. Oh, this trans woman really got me. It's true. He knows that. Hamas and his monster. I just, I feel bad that you have to steal for food.

I mean, I would have to. I kind of get a slightly whim of it. But also too, you know, it saves money. And then I put money towards my baby's bus ticket. And then the whole food is they do kind of overcharge you. Yes, they overcharge, man. So you agree with this. I kind of do like because they do that and Starbucks does it too, where it's like all this fucking progressive music

that they have on, they're like, we care about everything that's $5 for a cup of coffee. That's bullshit. How much should a cup of coffee be? Two bucks. That's it. $2. You're making a fucking enough profit for two dollars. Talk about this beforehand. You guys all went two dollars.

Like that's it. We had a prepod. We had a 50 cents. It's like fuck you. Yeah, we're getting fucked by everyone and no one's ever gonna strike because you need all these things. So fucking steal it. All right, I will go that way. Just don't go to Starbucks. Yeah, don't go to Starbucks. Just go to the bodega.

Yeah, go to the bodega by a fucking way. Support mom and pop places. Why the hell these two Google executives are trying to get rid of bodegas and they want to use they want all apartments to have a vending machine that sells everything from bodegas. You can use an app to order it. I love that. Wait, let me finish you fucking protest. I'll put your fucking arms down.

I kind of like that. What it looks. You like seeing his arm. For the angle. Let me say, do it again. There's not bad. He's got little light hairy armpits. It's like a hilarious Jesus.

It doesn't like Jesus' goofy brother. Steve Price. Steve Price. Steve Price. No one ever talks about it. Yeah, yeah. I keep making them to get loaves and loaves. I just making them to get loaves and loaves so I just take them.

Steve Christ. Steve Christ. Oh, shit me. You were talking to Jesus on the cross. Dude, I couldn't do anything. You were supposed to be there too. I fucked up. They wouldn't listen to me.

I'm gonna get more garbage work now. I'm gonna get more garbage work now. I'm gonna get more garbage work now. I'm gonna get more garbage work now. I'm gonna get more garbage work now. Oh shit. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now.

You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now.

You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. You're gonna get more garbage work now. Would you steal food? I guess if I was hungry enough, I would, but I haven't. No, but I'm against, I'm against, I'm against those places, man. They suck. They suck. They're gouging you. These price can't, like when you look at the water. It's like, that's bullshit. It's like the stock terrorism.

Michael, Michael, I'm not a whole food executive. I understand. Stop yelling at me like I know. But isn't that the most price gouging? It's just a build moment. Not price gouging. My energy was building. You know what they did with Irma and fucking all these hurricanes

that were happening? The hotels near where these hurricanes it raise a rent to 300 bucks a month. That's a night. There's scumbags. That's a scumbag fucking thing to do. It's the war. It's like when you go through LaGuardia, you can't have any food because of terrorism because of

terrorism. You can't have food or water. And then you buy the shit. It's like a thing like a it was a kosher chicken sees a rap 1350 this big 1350 I'm like oh that's yeah that's fair you can you can bring food no no you can't bring water can't bring food can't bring water

you can't bring it through you can't bring food no why could be a bomb well yeah they just make up the rules they take something like that where it's like, it could be and they apply it to everything and then they fucking charge you. That's bullshit.

Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, because I just go to the lounge and think of free food. Yeah, I had a fucking cool shaggy salad. Bobby has jealous, delicious. I'm sorry, not all of us are super medallion members. Turn me chili last time I was in there nuts and they had hummus Pretty good, but you could bring like a like a protein bar like great like you could bring you just can't bring like the prepared food right? I don't think you could bring anything you could bring your case of protein and just fill it up at the fountain on the other side

I fucking hate that. I really I'm with you in on this one. I really hate that because they're taking and they're just gouging you to make a profit. What are you gonna do? Hunt for food, what are you gonna do? I don't know, how about stop these people from doing that? How about stop them? They can regulate everything else, just regularly. Be like, no, fuck you.

I live when they open up at McDonald's right next door to those places and it's like, oh, good, you're out of business. I think it's disgusting too when something over prices, like if the movies are something for like a popcorn and then they ask you if you want to donate money It's like fuck you yeah, I got caught at the movies the other day. I usually get a senior what happened? I get a senior ticket. It's cheaper than a regular ticket

You just do it at the kiosk machine. Yeah, but they don't know about they usually don't check but it the fucking at this theater They caught me and I was like well my grandma ticket, and then I had to pay the difference downstairs. I was at the check, it's fucking embarrassing. You were another, you were another chick instead of, um, my turn. When me and my tutu weren't exclusive. Oh, okay. One time I went to a movie with a trans chick and this black girl

and she turned, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I covered her with a burka. and she turned. Turn it today? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no so sorry. I was like, yeah, that's my bitch. Wow. Fucking, what's your quarter weekend? No, blank. Really? Oh God. I say to him, and I go, what type of dude you like, he goes black dancers?

That's what I have to try. You really get those, he goes everywhere. You are, maybe. That's you, you're into black dancers? Yeah. Blackmail dancers? Yeah. Black male dancers. Yeah, it's pretty. Sammy Davis Jr., he's got a poster.

And my black woman, I like trans-Rihanna. That was like my ideal. What's up? I don't know if I, I mean, I go to Whole Foods. I don't, I don't look at that shit anymore. I guess. Yeah, I am. I fucking am.

You know what I've been getting really into though? And it's getting scary. I don't look at that shit anymore, I guess. Yeah, I am. I fucking am. You know what I've been getting really into though, and it's getting scary. I don't even watch TV on the road anymore. I just watch survival shit on YouTube. It's all I watch. Yeah, because you can do all that stuff. I think you're that,

you're a guy, you build that thing in your, that shed in your backyard. It's so impressive. Yeah, you can do YouTube videos and then you can do all of that stuff. You build stuff, you figure stuff out. I wanna go out in the woods by myself. Ooh.

And I wanna use this, it's called Bobby Grills. No. No. It's called the Firebox. It's a little metal box. This guy made firebox.com. I've watched every, like, probably 13 hours of footage on this guy on his YouTube page of, he cooks a fucking

whole chicken in this thing. He cooks like cookies and bread and fucking Cornish game. He, it's crazy that this guy just can live out in the woods and have everything he wants. And he just goes out there with him and he brings it out there. Him and his dog and he puts it in a backpack and he goes in the middle of the fucking nowhere by a river and just goes river to catch his fish, brings it back, cooks bacon on this little fire boxy little you know start I learned how to all these fire techniques and how to start a fire.

Do you like camping? I did but I haven't gone any years. I love camping. And I'm going I want to go again if you want if I didn't have to worry about you fucking being asked deep in my fucking broke back mountain. I go I promise I won't. Now it's too. Your versions of camping are different. Yeah, I don't Fucking fill a pension roll come on. I love it. I'm dying when you gotta throw your bag of food over a tree So a bear doesn't get it. I don't think if you got a broad answer is not his type. Yeah, but you're a bear's different physically gross

I've never been attracted to a friend. All right, listen, relax. I was kidding. I'd go camp, where you go camp, what you do? Let's go camp. Let's don't say it like that. All right. He's like, let's go camp. I want to go out in the woods.

So fun. Yeah, you like one of the less than we camp. I went in 2007, one of the week. Why is everything sexual with you? It's not. I'm just talking. I know, but it's dirty. It's not dirty.

I'll never forget we're in the woods. It's not. It's not. It was up in the White Mountains, New Hampshire. It was so fun. I used to go camping all the time when I was little bringing canoe. It's fucking great.

Shower in the water. Yeah. You ever go camping? No. You ever go camping? No. You ever go camping? No.

No. Never would you? No. Why, can you want shit outside, right? That and I don't want to go camping all right relax Why wouldn't you want to go camping I have no desire to tense every no I've no desire to do that I like I'm gonna shop in Whole Foods. I don't want to camp you wow Yeah, I go to Whole Foods any chance I get I'll go in there and get as much food as I can try stealing it to exhilarating But how do you steal it? I don't understand. You order the food and then you go up pockets and then no, you eat it there. You go upstairs,

take those little cats. You eat these idiots make the checkout a mile away in their fucking warehouse. So instead of going to the checkout line, you grab it and then you just go to the tables, you eat it and you walk out. Yeah, but you have to know it's like Vegas that somebody's watching you. Take a chance. That's why they call gambling. If, but you have to know it's like Vegas that somebody's watching you. Take a chance. Is this why they call gambling? If they don't, they call it buying food. It's a smart shop.

You could be arrested. Fafed. But then you would be surrounded by a lot of black dancers. Yeah. That's a win-win. You're just being a black dancer. And need a great talent for your business. At first of all, I wanna say that

we are looking for interns for this show, and for broadcast itself. Not interns, actually paid producers. So, now it's not a lot of money, relax. We're not looking for, I don't wanna somebody with a resume and a college degree that's looking to pay their mortgage and put their kids through Fuckin private school. I'm looking for somebody that wants to do podcasting loves this show

Loves the network and wants to come in and be part of this riot cast thing that we have going on here So if you want to do that email me at ykwd at riotcast.com if you want to be a producer. We have a new guy coming in next week at riotcast.com. If you want to be a producer, we have a new guy coming in next week. You know, this is to learn all about producing the show, other shows in the network, being part of this. So, YKWD at riotcast.com, you want to come in, be a producer, you're going to learn from the ground up, how to do everything. And also, if you have a podcast or want one, you'll be able to do it here on the Riotcast Network. If it's good enough, if it stinks, go fuck yourself, we'll tell you to beat it.

But if it's good. So you can see his auto talent, she's in LA with Dave right now. That's nice. It is nice. Lovely. Yeah, I love love. You love love? No, it's nice. But if you. Lovely. Yeah, I love love. You love love?

No, it's nice. But if you're in need of great talent and you're a real big business, all right? And your business is short of time, you know what you have to do. You don't have to get lost in the huge stack of resumes to find your perfect hire. You just need right now, right? Smart tools, Liz. you're a business owner.

Yeah, well, yeah. You're always looking for people. I am. This is what you do. What if your hiring could be easier, Liz? It would make my day. More streamlined. Would love it.

And less time consuming. Definitely. So even when you're busy, you could still be smart about the way you hire. How about that? That would save me so much time and energy. Right, if you're hiring, you know the quality, hires keep your business moving forward.

When you hire somebody that's legit, it makes your business better, right? But you also know it can take a lot of time to find the right candidate for the job. It takes forever. I waste so much time going through a resume. It's crazy. All right?

When I find people for this, Zach, insane, right? Yeah. But it takes time to find. For all these people, all these people that work on the network, it takes time. It's crazy to find people that anybody can come in here

and do the job for a week Mm-hmm, and then they fall apart this kid better and better every week I got a check for you today I Looks like he carried away What's the what happens He quit a job at Whole Foods. It really is, man. Having somebody who's the shit, any business I've ever seen, anything I've ever, like Liz, if Liz, this play, I mean, look, everybody when she left was miserable, gnome the most.

I would love to know how he got you back. He begged. You begged. You called me. I called her at least once or twice a month. Seriously. I had dinner with her in Florida. I know. I would hang up.

I just need to just come back. Please, and hang up. I'm not going to be kidding. Sure. I'm going to be a joke. Okay. It's crazy. Zippercruder.com.

This is it right here with Zippercruder. You can post your job to over 100 of the website web's leading job boards with just one click. So you can arrest easy lads knowing your job is being seen by the right candidates. I'm going to use this. I have to use this. Then Zip Recruiter puts it in a smart matching technology to work actively notifying qualified candidates about your job within minutes of posting. So you receive the best possible matches. That's why Zippercuda is different.

Unlike other hiring sites, Zippercuda doesn't depend on the right candidate finding you. It finds them Liz. If you're a company and you need employees and you always do, zippercuda.com. You can even get a head start on the interview process by adding screening questions to your job post to help identify the most qualified candidates. So you don't have to waste time sorting through a stack of resumes to find the perfect fit.

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You have a promo right? What's the promo? Zach's gonna read it to you right now. What's the promo Zach? It's on there somewhere, isn't it? Oh, that's good. You're all see thanks Liz. No problem. That's why you're a good hire Here I'll see. Thanks Liz. No problem. That's why you're a good hire. We got Liz off a zipper cruder. No we got me right off a zipper cruder.

Yeah there is. It's zippercrooter.com slash what dude. That's it. So zippercrooter.com slash what dude. I'm writing that down. Zippercrooter.com slash what dude. Go there. What was did I read the one for the other one too deep discount

Yes, I did all right well guys listen here's the deal I think we've been through a lot today No doubt yeah, I'm tired from the trial I'll be my chambers You know what it is though here's the deal with that I'm glad we got it out I I know what it is though. Here's the deal with that. I'm glad we got it out. I hate when somebody does shit to me, that does bug me because it really did bug me.

And then you just hold on to it. You can't do that. And then all of a sudden, something else, something else, something else. I'd rather just go, hey, go fuck yourself. Oh yeah. And I'm like, oh, sorry, I fucked up. And then you're done.

That's the one thing about people. If you just, oh, say, oh, I fucked up, sorry. You done. But what if he would have been like, he was apologetic. What if he was like, no, Bobby, fuck you, dude, I was right. And then you're like, no, I would've asked him.

No, I would've liked this. Okay, got it. Right. Got it. And then he'd be stealing fucking food from Walmart and fucking Whole Foods. I'm actually pretty hungry And do you want to go steal some food somewhere? I gotta say I'm what you know But would you do Captain on the podcast pop? You guys off a pizza after Bobby would you you kept him on the podcast then?

I would of course I would I had him on the next week No, but if he would have been if he would have came back at you in a certain kind of way and been like no Bobby That's not right fuck you and then. And then you would have been like, okay. What do you mean it's not, you're making it, but you're not, you're just saying that he yells, like fuck you back. You think, I don't think he is a illogical person. I think Ian is an intelligent person

and is in touch with who he is. I think he's a little crazy and weird and fucked up and stupid and narcissistic, but I also think he's a good person, has a good heart, and he better have learned from him. I think so too. I think so too. Also, he was like a scared dog when you actually yelled at him like at the beginning of the episode.

He was terrified for my dick hard. I wasn't, look at I really, of course, if I really yelled at you, I'd do it on the phone. Right, of course. I wouldn't look at I really course I wouldn't if I really yelled at you I'd do it on the phone right of course and do it on a podcast I mean that's my that's the one thing that people don't get about me Mm-hmm is that when I yell it's more of a honeymoon But I forget that people and also I'd wait rather be I'd way rather be called on my shit then just like Me thinking that everything's fine and like going on you know what I mean like I'm totally okay with don't you millennials like that what just

to be the passion no like everything's okay and then Bobby gives you a sticker and then you go home no no no I want to be called on my shit I want to be told by people generally young generation of funny hey that fucking joke sucks I want people to just play Kate me on bullshit No, and also to resentments like drinking poison to piss to hurt someone else. It only hurts you. It ruins everything Yeah, it's horrible man. I've got to get it out. I've had resentment with people over the years and it just sucks Yeah, because if you could just say go fuck yourself Fuck off at the moment and they go fuck you back.

It's out, it's gone. And then you don't have to talk to each other again. Do you have to find it? But you're not gonna take each other, you're not gonna come with me on the pillow that night. I'm gonna be like fuck you, fuck off, all right? Fuck you. And then it's done.

And then you can not be around each other. And then in the future, you'd be like, what's up dude, nothing, what's up with you? Yeah. And I've had many of those situations where it's like, hey man, that time I meet you dude, I know. Yeah, that conversation has to happen. Well, that's a big thing.

But it doesn't go somewhere and be fearful if you're gonna run into it. It doesn't have to happen. What doesn't have to happen? You don't have, you can not, you can, you're not supposed to be friends with everybody. No, that's true. You can say fuck you. Right. to be friends with everybody. That's true. You can say fuck you.

Right. And not talk to that person again. And cut them out of your life. And that's healthy. But you should do that. You should cut people out of your life that don't help. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. After there's a like, they say you should evolve your friendships every 10 years. You should be kind of moving towards a new like friend group or whatever. I'm dumping Keith Wednesday. friendships every 10 years, you should be kind of moving towards a new like friend group or whatever. I'm dumping Keith Wednesday. I'm never again.

Because he had a stroke. Yes. I mean, that's a little much. Yes. I have to drive now. Yeah, I think it's okay to fucking, you should, there should be people that look, you just dump out of your fucking life. They're not good for you. Yeah.

Yeah, but I think after you, that, that, those people, those people right now that I talk to, that I don't, I mean that I don't talk to, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Yeah. And they're people I should talk to. You know what I mean? Right, right, right.

Yeah, the great thing, my dad ever did when I was younger, we would have it out and then five minutes later, and you would go have a catch. You know what I mean? So like, you just get it out, and then you just, it helps so much more, and you get it out, then five minutes later. Hey, you wanna go have a catch? Get it out. You know what I mean? So like you just get it out and then you just, it helps so much more and you get it out and then you just go on with your relationship.

Yeah, but there's a thing where it's like, when you get it out, you can't say shit that's vicious or you don't mean because then you have to answer for it later. I understand that letting it go, but when someone comes out you in a certain kind of way and then goes, okay, let's go have a catch. Like, yeah, I'm not gonna forget about the shit you just said, dude. So we got to talk about that first.

Right. Well, sometimes I do get vicious and I say things I don't mean. And then I have to look inside myself and be like, I was wrong again. Yeah, but you can always apologize. Right. I mean, you have to apologize for it. And show with your action. And actually, you have to show a politician for it.

Yes, yes. Yeah, that's true too to I'm simply apologizing. I'm sorry I'm sorry. They're not really sorry. Yeah, so I'm gonna show with your action. Contrition is an action word man Yeah, I mean look I've said sorry to have things, you know, I mean I think as the older I get to the more I don't you know I'm not as I'm not as in your face with people. Mm-hmm because I don't want to you know, I don't, you know, I'm not as, I'm not as in your face with people. Cause I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna be, I don't want that. I used to do shit, say shit or act a certain way

and then go home that night and be like, why did I do that? You know what I mean? That person's not worth it. It's mature, that person's not worth it. I don't fucking really like that person. I had to, I had to set him straight and it did nothing. There's some people that if you say,

hey, you did this and fuck you that really, it doesn't, never gonna change. Well, that's the person you cut out of your life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you cut them out. And those are the people too. Like, I think when you get to a certain age too,

you're just stuck with who you are to a certain extent. That's why you gotta kind of try to change like somewhat early on, because if you're a piece of shit through your 20s and 30s, it's kinda hard to fucking make that switch. I gotta disagree with that. I think that you can even. Sorry, I'm just thinking of one of our friends, Ian.

I know, I knew you were thinking of. I'm just kidding. I think you can even evolve. I know people in their 70s that evolved. Yeah. You can con, that's an excuse that you get at an older age to not change. My mother said that to me one time. My mother was fucking fighting for years. I got back

from rehab. I'm sober. I love the program. All I want to do is go to meetings. And I remember one night I came up with two in the morning. I went to a meeting, I went to two meetings, then I went to IHOP to have pancakes talk about, meeting after the meeting. Talk about, meeting after the fellowship. And we sat in the car in front of my house, my mom's house for another hour until two in the morning talking about fellowship.

And I went in, I was so happy and spiritual that I'm like, oh my God, I went from jail to this shit, right? And I'm like oh, I walked in my mother. Where were you? Grab me Blow in my thigh want to smell your breath you been drinking. I was like fuck you I was just talking about God for fucking 20 minutes and spirituality and a higher power you fuck She's like you been drinking. I was like go fuck yourself. I was so mad I moved out. I moved out at 16 and a half. I've never been home since.

I moved out when I was 16 and a half. I'm like, I'm gone. I can't do this. And we fought forever, forever me, my mom fought. Yeah, but past that, what were the fights about? Well, once she knew that you were sober, you weren't out drinking? My Bobby, when are you gonna come home

and just live you live here? Just live? My shut the fuck up. You know what I'm saying? What I'm doing? I have to believe in myself. Nobody believes in me. I have to.

You're my mom. You should fucking be behind me. Just come home and live here and be here. Mom, I understand you're saying it as a mom, but can you stop saying that? Ninety-ten. Literally fucking the thirtieththirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty-thirty- And it's not even like if you're starting the streets clean and you're doing you and they're giving you shit It's like well, it's probably like you want a problem. Well, you try to change I tried to change for sure For sure, I didn't learn that because I know how to handle my liquor. Oh fuck you My mother said this to me one day on the phone it she goes Bobby I go my you got to stop doing and we have this big fight. She looks she's literally quiet. It that she goes when you're gonna learn

I'm never gonna change I went oh my god You gotta stop doing it. And we're having this big fight. She literally quieted down. She goes, when are you gonna learn? I'm never gonna change. I went, oh my God. And we haven't really fought since. That's great. Because I was like, acceptance being. Yeah. I was like, yeah.

I know, I know. But I had to continue to evolve. Yeah. So yeah, I think you can definitely but some people don't some people are so focused on the prize Yeah, so focused on that I gotta get that I want we do I want what they have ego sense for easing God out Yeah, I definitely give you the bandana for that I definitely give you the bid, Dan, for that. It's an A&T right now, that's why I'm not. Because we're both, you're lucky I'm sober.

Yeah. He used the fellowship to fuckin' throw a stinker over the ball. No. Man, I should just care. Yeah, that's that. Keep it simple, stupid. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You bit of fuckin' hot. Yeah, hungry, angly, lonely, tired. Yeah, you know, hungry, because you're steel. Yeah, right. That's not in the program. Sometimes I have fear, I fuck everything in run. I know. Yeah, right. That's not the program. Sometimes I have fear. I fuck everything and run. I can't stop you.

I'm gonna throw it. I can't. Can we end with this? There's not any pranks. There's not any pranks. Yeah, we can end with this round of you, Prang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will.

No, I think it's, yeah, you have to eliminate the people out of your life. No, I agree. Yeah, especially in this business, we want everybody to like us because you never know who's gonna help you No, I agree. Yeah, especially in this business, we want everybody to like us, because you never know who's gonna help you. Something I stopped doing, like Ian is very, no. Oh, no.

Ah. No, like I do think it helps. Like Ian, you talk to everybody and I think that's good. And I'm not as much of that way as he is. But sometimes I, like, I've like stopped, like, a lot of people just go up to everybody and shake their fucking hand. Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? I've stopped doing that. It's like, I've like stopped, like, a lot of people just go up to everybody and shake their fucking hand. Hey, how are you?

Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? I've stopped doing that. It's like, what's the point? I'm just saying hello to every random fucking person that I don't know. I just like fucking people. No, I get it and it works for you.

What like something for me, I'm just like, I don't wanna just say hello to every fucking person. Not that I'm bored. You gotta be yourself. Yeah, you really? Yeah, so many times. Because otherwise it's fake, you're fake. I'm actually, I won this award and the

one thing I learned is that, you know, whatever fucking comedy I do, it's what I do. I'm done. I'm not I'm fuck I don't care. Yeah. Yeah. I don't care. I might know. I don't know if I don't think I'm a comics comic. Like I know I don't think comics and I don't give a fuck you can go fuck yourself. like comics, I don't like comics, and I don't give a fuck, you can go fuck yourself. You know, I don't care. I know that people, oh, he's going on. Oh, let's So farcical. It's like I have a fuck off.

I don't give a fuck. It's so personal. No, it's not. I don't give a fuck anymore. Right. Suck my dickhole. No, but I like the jerking off motions as you're... Yeah, I don't.

I did unrealistic ones. Ian's got the specifics down. Yeah. Holy hell. It's got the specifics down Quite the rotation It's quite an afternoon at the movies. I'm gonna take a real left turn right We're gonna leave on this. No, I do. I want to know where you learn to suck dick And is there a technique Like dry on air, baby. Yeah, but is there something that? It's like the mics, you know, you gotta get up.

Yeah, you know what makes you feel good, so you just try to do that to other people. Okay, but did you ever... Show Bobby. Did you ever fuck up on a dick? Yeah. Those chompers, you kidding me? Yeah, these are the guys,

I'm like, Bugs Bunny Chomping on a carrot. You ever get a blowjob from a beaver You know you learn What are the three teeth but when I got I would imagine with a girl when you fuck up on a clip Yeah, you got to be creative, but does it seem like I did dude dude fucking slow down yo bro chill out I'm gonna say that to you because you're a guy? Like, is he gonna talk to you like that? Yeah, he's gonna slap you on the top of the head. Dude, one time I was in a glory hole and after I came,

I reached through and I gave the guy a fist panel. So, thanks, dude. Hahaha. Hahaha. Lewis was like, thanks bro. Hahaha. See you tonight. Hahaha.

Have a fisting. What? Hahaha. Alright, let's, ah. Well, I get openers. I need openers. Mm-hmm. Um.

Mm-hmm. Boy, boy, interesting thing. Yeah, punchlines coming up. Yeah, we're close from Philly. And you work on me last time. You give me a guest bottom ready for that feature, baby. Come on. Put me in coach. Yeah, you guest bottom ready for that feature baby come on put me in coach Yeah, you need money. You can feature. I'd love to what you what do you want it?

Who wants it? I want it. I want it. I want it. I want to jerk off contest whoever comes first I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm first. I'm out. Whoever makes the other person come gets the fucking money. Get the gig. It's $1,200 for the weekend. Really? Who's gonna jerk each other off? Whip it out. No, he would do it probably. And I would do it.

Let's do it. Can we do it online? Can we? How much snoop does that buy? I mean, snooze will do it. I just made up 1100 dollars and I figured what number would it be? That's already done. He's immediately in and he was only in after he let it sit for a

sound. I'll pay you. Yeah, I actually do have a couple dates if you guys I'll fill them in after. Yeah, I love to. Okay, cool. Are you going to fucking behave yourself? Of course. We're going to talk while I'll fill them in after. Yeah, I love you stick around. Okay, cool. Are you gonna fucking behave yourself? Of course.

We're gonna talk while I'm on stage. You know, sit down with a conversation. Hey, do you guys have any stuff? I'm gonna go, Bobby's on. Oh. How much does leave the room? You ever wonder what comics think of you? Yeah, and I lost it really fucked my head up

and I just don't care anymore. I don't give a shit at all, but you know what I think's's funny just like with the social media thing of something like if you follow somebody And they don't follow you back that's such a clear thing of like fuck this guy. I don't give a shit I know but it's just an easy way to know Really? I used to let that shit bother me so much. I really don't put a fucking on I know but I think it's an easy way to know if people like you or not get over it Tom. We're talking about it This is my way of opening up in I wish it's black dancers

Thank you for letting me come up here. I wish we make a big announcement. I don't know. We got to talk to you Oh, I got such a big one. Yeah I know it's exciting. It's so exciting for everybody. Mm-hmm. Oh my god Not everybody one person. Yeah, it's a comedy community is gonna be like what maybe eventually Everybody in the room. It'll be great. Is there a new menu? Whatever you Green I'm hungry you guys want pizza. I'll take you to pizza. greens. I'm hungry. You guys want pizza. I'll take it to pizza. Yeah. I gotta go. I'll see you. I'll talk to you. All my

moons. Okay. I love you. By the way, by the way, by the way, I love you. Thank you. You live by. All right. And yeah, buddy. What's up? So again, I just want to say this. You guys, we're looking for producers on the show. You can know how to run a podcast. You know, to book a show, you know, to do anything. You want to be part of the YKWD show. We usually do on Tuesdays at three, three, 30 or nine o'clock at night, but you have to be flexible.

And I would prefer you, if you're a comic, that's cool, uh, but you have to, you know, uh, be available and you're going to learn everything about the show. You're going to book the show. You can be part of the show. You're going to sit right over in that chair next to Lauren uh... she's gonna teach you all the shit you need to know uh... you know i'm not kicking Lauren let's not get carried away so you know Lauren's great she's the best um...

and zacky's here to zack thanks so much for today buddy yeah everything work out how is the chat room was anybody in there uh... some hula gins what the talking shit right oh really? that's why i love What, the talking shit, right? I'll deal with them personally. Oh, really? That's why I love Zack. Is it in Forcer?

Well, the thing is, you know, it's funny. Really quick. Like, one of these guys, I do these Facebook live things, right? And people come in and they make jokes. I'm fine. Funny. Be funny. That's my rule.

Be funny. Please be funny. Think about it and be funny. And if you're not funny, I'm just like, oh, that's stunk. Or if it's funny, I laugh. But there's guys that go in there and just rattle off fucking quips. They just, everything, they don't, they just,

and it's like, I'm not your fucking open. My chat room is in your open mic room. I'm just trying to add tags. Well, this isn't a fucking writing session for you. You're just ruining the conversation. When I go on the Facebook live, whatever that shit is, I like to, this fans go in there. I don't care if there's 300 or a fucking 10. I like to talk to them

and put that shit out there. And I know it's a little needy. I get it. It's a needy fucking shit thing to do. But I'm needy. I'm needy. I'll admit it. I'm a little needy. And I like to, I like to talk to people that are into my shit and talk to the fans and what I get shit out. Who knows what the fuck I'm doing. But I get it. But don't go in there. And I like to talk to people that are into my shit and talk to the fans and what I get shit out. Who knows what the fuck I'm doing? But I get it. But don't go in there and I block one of these guys. I'm like, you see, one more thing,

it better be funny. I get in the shot. It better be, if it's not funny, you're out. And of course it was a fucking dud. Fucking DUDE. And I fucking boom, blocked him. Then he fucking, you know they get mad. Yeah, and it's like how do you what do you expect another man to do? Just sit there and let you fucking bash him in his own chat room while my own fucking families in here

Yeah, but they think they think they're part of it. Yeah, but you are, but you got to fucking how to play the game Yeah, I don't you I like you run your Facebook live like a mafia family. You're out Well, it's just like and then I don't mind. Okay, you know, I blog don't get mad Be a fucking man. Don't question my you know, I mean just be a man and be like I fucked up Yeah, I took it too far. Oh, he told told me, and it wasn't, just fucking shut the, don't cry. You fucking mocked me and you're like, I'm into fucking, you so, you don't know how to,

shut the fuck, be a man, suck it up. There's a million other people you can go bother. Well, if someone gets to that point of being blocked, they're probably fucking corny and dirty. It's just like, look, I don't mind, there's some funny people in my chats, and they, and they zing me, and some of them are fucking very good.

And I laugh, but some of them just go in, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, they just, everything is said as a joke. They can't, they can't have a conversation. They can't have anything, it's like, fuck you, gone. You got one more y'all, and they did, and I fuck them. But I just don't like that. That could take care of them.

Well, you'll fucking I love he's gonna come to every live event ever I'm gonna just bring him just fucking but look we showed up at the live thing that's why this one guy lived in the town I was just that didn't even pay for a fucking ticket didn't go to show. So you don't you don't fucking even pay to see me do stand up and I I'm supposed to let you fucking fuck with me. Go suck your mother's dirty dead con. I hope she dies on Tuesday. I have next Tuesday, I hope she fucking literally grabs

her chest at a whole food stealer. What do you got, buddy? E and 5Dance.com. Hang on, let's look at that. What is your name again? E and 5Dance. Oh, look at this beautiful website. Yes. I did it on myself. Did you really? I did. I love that photo. You look like a magician a game magician. Thank you man. Yeah. I didn't know that I asked. Yeah. See me. Yeah. Watch my dates. Yeah. And, uh, you know, look at that. You're at a few. You're all, you don't need gigs. Yeah, I do. Bobby Kelly. Look at that. That should be good. It's never going to happen again.

October is filling up too. I'm in LA in October 23rd to 30th. Don't run at the store. I'm a great man. There's still. run at the store. That's great, man. The store. I love the store. Oh, so good. The store is just so amazing. That fucking kid Adam is amazing. Oh, dude, I saw the bullet holes, Kinnison putting the wall.

They still have them there. It's so cool. I don't care about that shit. I think the club is awesome. I am a loser. Who's Lucy? My dog. What?

Yeah. What kind of dog? Cocker Spaniel, Poodle Mix.oodle mix. Wow you really got a really funny sketch where the dog talks Yeah, you should have said yeah, it's called all right go to his website right here Yep, Ian fight ants.com follow me on Instagram at I animal Tom Cassie. You don't have a website. No no website Why not yet? I don't know. I just didn't get one. Well, it's 2017. What are you doing? Focus on the jokes, baby. You know, I'll need all that shit. No, I mean, I want to get a website. I'll get one soon. Can somebody please get him a fucking work? Is any, maybe I'll do it.

Is a million fans out there? Is it just, you need, how much do you have? I know, how much money do you have? Nothing, zero. Why don't you do it for some of his food? You need a few money? You need a website, dude. Somebody give a website. Yeah, because I make videos and stuff so I should have them there. You should, man. Yeah. Yeah. Are we gonna be? I got a new sketch coming out next week that I want people to see.

It's called the hip-hop psychiatrist. I think it's funny. I got another one on there. It's my pin tweet, Cree2. It's a really good like Cree2 trailer. Where is it? It's on PIN, but for some reason you're fucking... Don't get mad at me. Don't trash me for... No, it's okay. I'm just not following you. I'm gonna find it. Because it's like from a while ago. Okay. It's a Pintweet.

Okay. And just, you know, I always post my show as man, you know. I want to be open enough for Bobby a lot coming up. What? No, well, I'm gonna share that with... I mean, I think Ian wants one of those too, right? Yes sir. All right, We'll definitely do it. Cool mean. I get a lot of dates, but there are tons of free work and I love the comments but dates on the things just all freak a guest, but it looks like they're working every night of the week.

I you know I'm bar show every night. Hey, man, you guys are doing it. You doing yeah, you're doing it And then check out that show on adult swim. It's called Mosleys for Millennials. Hopefully it's out at the end of the year. Buddy, thanks for coming back on. Thank you for having me. You've always cracked me the fuck up, dude. I appreciate it.

I love you on the show. No, I'm glad to be back. Yeah. Oh, look at this. Oh, that's a website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike, Becky, on. Mike, looking at Mike.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's the one. That's at the seller outside. Nikki Glaser. Yeah, wow, that's great. Oh, I love Nikki. Mike, Oh my God. Oh my God. That's the seller outside. Nicky laser. Yeah, wow, that's great. Oh, I love Nicky. Mike, let me tell you something.

We've gone over this before. He is a phenomenal standup. Killer. An amazing late night. Correct. I mean, only certain people can really kill it on late night. That is a art form in itself. And Mike is one of those guys.

And I love watching him do late night because he loves his own girls. Oh, God, it just like, oh, is this one right here? Look, he loves watch, you'll see it. He loves his own. I don't watch it again. I watch it again. Look, here we go. So much good. It's the best.

It's the best. It's he just loves it. He just loves watching himself. He loves him the fucking. Look at. Non-threatening babyface, you could trust me. Shredded body, I'll protect you. Here comes the smile.

I have the complete opposite thing happening. Watch. I have what I like to call ultimate fighter head. Here comes the open. Ah! You'll get closer to yogurt torso, right? Ah. You love it.

Yeah, and you know how else loves it, Fallen. Hey, buddy, I'm done. I'm done. You're great. Here comes the department store, shopping for my Husky Fit pants. And I know I'm going from Husky to FAC, because my pant size is 36.30. That's how you know your FAC, guys. When your pant size is an improper fraction. Here we go.

To one and one fifth of another human being. That's how I know. Chunky. Chunky. Ah! Ah! Little lickin' at the left. Where you gonna be Mikey?

At the end of the month, I'll be at the brokerage. One of my favorite clubs. Those guys are the end of the month. I'll be at the brokerage Favorite clubs those guys are the best Love them out there at the end of this your dates right here, right? Down there. It's road dates. We're right here road dead again. We got our bell more October 27th 28th Feel fair Connecticut that new club New York comedy club. I heard it's amazing her most of each California gonna be a Where is that Kenneth Square be in, uh, uh, uh, where is that? Kenneth Square, the A. Yeah, I was already there.

Those are old dates. Oh, okay. I'll really update it. All right. Did you do the impractical joke? No, remember one through five. We'll be on the in practical jokes. Love those sales the best.

Yeah, he's the best. The best dude, man. Unfuckin' believable. All right, man, check this out, guys. I know some of you guys too. Now, I was reading my dates last because people tune out halfway through this. Usually when I say my dates, they're like, I see you later. So I usually get in, you know what I mean? The last, you, the last person. I got so many fucking dates coming up.

This week or last week, I mean if you listen to live, I'm at the Sides putters all week. I'm leaving Wednesday. I can't wait. The punchline Philly, one of these guys is going to be with me if I can get it. I don't know if I can get it, but I'll try. If you want to, you know, I got to come a comedy club in Washington, October 12th, 13th and 14th. I got laugh it up, Pekipsi, the 20th. I got the tree house, which I'm going to need. I'm going to need somebody for that. I got October 20th of Vermont, Bennington Vermont. I got Kahoo's music call Kahoo's New York. Is that how you say it? Kahoo's Mordys Comedy Club in the Annapolis American Comedy Club.

I'm going to Aruba in November to do comedy. I got Magube's. I mean, they're all fucking, look at all these dates. I'm going all the way into fucking, all the way into December and February with these dates. Some of these guys, I'm gonna bring a couple of these guys right here with me. So you'll see these assholes with me.

Thanks for listening to the show. God bless America. Please, all the shit that's going on, you know, with the football and all that shit and Trump and you know Just remember that this is the best country in the world and we fucking Americans take care of each other. We're Americans. Yeah, fucking. Yes. Enjoy everything. I'm much. Yes, and football is a game Relax. Yeah, yeah, it's a fucking game relax. All right, who gives a shit? Just chill the fuck out, enjoy your life,

take care of yourself, and then everything else will follow. Raise good kids, don't be a fucking douche. And stop with this shit, fucking race. Give us a fuck. Care's about that shit. I hate it. But the guy wants the meal, let the asshole kneel. And if you kneel, deal with the shit you get for Neil

Yeah, that's it. That's why the country's great. You can do whatever you want Right hold the fist up Neil line your belly take your asshole out Just don't do crazy shit when you get a touchdown to get a technical, okay? Go Eagles. I hate go Eagles. Come on Eagles This is a great fucking win last week We do the division. You know, I fucking love the guy from barstool. The press. I don't know. Oh God. He has these five. First of all, he does his pizza reviews. He's the fucking, you know, that that bro dude, dude, you know, he's just fucking sports guy Boston. But he's the funniest motherfucker.

He does pizza reviews. He does until he tries every piece in New York. He goes, one bite, everybody knows rules. He gets a slice. He tries it. He takes nine bites. He keeps repeating one bite. Everybody knows, people walk him by like, you said one.

He's like, you're not getting it. And he reviews pizza. I could watch it all day. And then he goes, he was watching the pat, he's watching the pat, he calls what Brady's going to do. Not where, he's sitting at the end of the game, 30 seconds left. He's like, nope, he's gonna throw a 25-yarder right now.

Boom, Brady throws a 28-yard. And he goes, yeah, we're in the end zone, no problem. Everybody else is worried here, I'm not fucking worried. Bang, win the game. Boom, boom, win. He goes, yep, that's it. Of course, he goes, Tom Brady's in slow motion. Everybody else's hair's on fire. He's in slow motion. And he goes, yeah, we're better, we's it. Of course, Tom Brady's in slow motion. Everybody else's hair's on fire.

He's in slow motion. And he goes, yeah, we're better, we're bigger, you're small, we're not. Fuck you, Brady's the best. It's the fucking greatest. You gotta check that guy out, Mike, you'd like this guy. Barstool, barstool. You're not gonna barstool the fucking,

they're like taking ESPN down. No shit. Yeah, because they're not politically correct. Right. It's sports. Sports should not be politically correct. Fucking ESPN. Yeah.

Fucking socket. Fucking assholes and suits. Connecticut. Fuck you. I'm gonna go all year to Connecticut to do something. New York is right here. Fuck off. Go check out Barso.

They don't need me promote them. They're the fucking biggest mother. They're huge watch They'll be they'll be sports. They'll be the sports news in the future um And Zach, what do you got besides fucking great shoulders and big fists? Zack the new guy that's him on Twitter follows Zack the new guy you're getting into it today You made a couple announcements. We're easing Zach into the liking doing great. Yeah, she doing great, but thanks so much Go to my website look at all that stuff premium members. I love you so much. Thank you so much

We have premium members here. You know that nice. Yeah, we got a bit we got another thing happening with this podcast very soon Actually not with the podcast with me. Hmm personally. like to make, we're going to have all my fans have a new thing for you. We have a new website coming out. And also if Joe fucking my friend Joe can get a shit together. Dude, I'll do it. Where my guy will do this? I think boom, boom, boom. All right. When is it fucking five months later? Well, what do you need? You sat me the fucking seven times. I've answered, well, do whatever you want. All right. Well, put it, we'll put it up this week. All right, good.

Nice talking to you. Now he's a great guy. He's gonna do it. I hope he hears this. That's when you know he's not listening to my podcast. I'm trying to shoot. I should never even hear it. All right, you guys are the best fans in the world.

I love you to death. Thanks for listening. You know what, see you next week. And they're all free, and they're all free.