Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Steve Rannazzisi | Swag Killer

Episode Date: January 23, 2022

This week Steven Rannazzisi joins Robet Kelly to talk his days on Punk'd, working on The League, working in the industry and dealing with fame! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Paul Verzi was pretty fantastic. Maybe just want to stay home and fuck the city. But I'm not going to do that. I came in and I'm in the city and I'm in the studio with new Nikki. She's wearing some weird yoga pants.

I don't know if she has regular jeans. I don't know what her outfits are. I think she's a gymnast. She teaches gymnastics during the day to Puerto Ricans and Jewish kids and the Upper East West side. And we got, of course, Joe's here. And what else we got?

Please make sure you subscribe and hit that button. I know, is it such a big fucking deal? No, just hit the subscribe button. Do me a favor, you're watching this for fucking Zanada. if you want to watch the unedited version with the extra fucking couple minutes that we put up on on Patreon the one that YouTube won't let us put up or they'll fucking do shus patreon.com slash Robert Kelly again. That's patreon.com slash Robert Kelly the price of an almond latte and a brevye latte,

you can have shit loads of content every goddamn week. For a month, there you go. Go there and comicwearables.com, go there and get some gear and use co-worked ladybugs, get 20% off. I'm so excited, because you've never been on my show. Never. I mean, this is the best when I have somebody who's never been on,

who I've known we've done it one show together, but we're side friends. And Nicole introduced our guest. We have Steve Renzizi here. From the league stand up everything, LA and New York, all of this. Yeah, dude, we've known each other for a while. By the way, do you know that show that we did?

Vegas. Yeah, we did. Playboy comedy show, which was so much fucking fun. That thing. Can I ask, can I be honest with you? Sure. I didn't think, oh no, no, no. This is a good one for you.

Oh, really? I've done Vegas so many times. And I didn't think you were gonna be good. Oh, really? I didn't think you were gonna be good. Oh really? I didn't think you're gonna be good dude. I really did and I was like I was like I fucking I know Quart hooked it up. Yeah, Quart was like I'm gonna have him go up and like I fuck all right listen I don't want him going up there for 45 fucking as you how much time she's like no dude He's gonna do a half hour or whatever the fuck you yeah, and you went up and you fucking murdered and I was like, oh shit

I my brain was in another position and then you were killing it so I had to step outside and recalibrate Oh, this guy's this guy's actually fucking funny. I thought you're gonna be some yeah LA comedian probably I don't know, I mean yeah yeah. I know, I get that. I was naive. Yes. And you were not exactly what you thought you were getting. Do you, you did, you went up and you were fucking great and they were loving you and I was like, fuck.

Yeah. I know. When you think you're going to get a fucking walk in the park and next to you, you're like, oh shit, we got to, we got to go to work. I thought I was going to dig myself out of a hole. Yeah, no, I've done that at that club. Yeah, I love court. Court was very good to me during those days.

It was like, he had that, it was almost weekly, I think he had to do it. So I was going out there like three or four times a year and just, you know, middling in that, you know, doing, having fun for the weekend. So I was comfortable there in that, in whatever that room was, you know, it's not easy to do know, doing, having fun for the weekend. So I was comfortable there in that, in whatever that room was, you know, it's not easy.

The palms. It was in the palms. It was usually in the showcase room. Yeah, with a piano. They had us in a ballroom, the hall. But usually when I was there, though, I'm gonna be honest, I love court and that other dude. I forget the other guy, they were all huge.

All huge. Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet, but they would go up and do so much time, and they would have Playboy people, and they'd have some comic, and it was a nightmare for me. Yeah, by the time you got up there, it was like, we gotta, yeah. You had to, you had to just step on them, you had to fucking just, like, To begin with, nobody pays attention there. I mean, I find Miami and Vegas, it's like, unless you're shining something in their face,

they know in their mind, there's something going on that we're missing out, there's something better that we could be doing, you know, all the price, the money we could be doing, it's spending, and it sucks because you have to like fucking yell at them to get their attention. Yeah, it's changing though, because-

I haven't been there in a long time, or performed there in a while. They're actually doing real comedy shows there for so long, and here's another thing. They started, they got a comedy community. Yeah. They actually have comics in that laws Vegas, who are funny. Yeah.

So, you know, when we, when I was doing that, there was no comedy scene in Vegas really. Yeah. You had beaches, madhouse, which was a fucking nightmare, but awesome if you could do well, right? Yeah. And if you love do well, right? Yeah. And if you love blow jobs, they're meeting famous people. And then they had the palms, the palms.

And that's why I was like, and before the palms, it was like, either you could sell 1200 tickets and do like the Mirage, or you did a, I use the riff, the riff. Yeah. And you were there for 14 shows, seven day. I mean, that room, talk about like, they didn't even give a fuck who you were. What if you were funny at 830 that light went on the music started. You better walk to that stage and at like whatever time not I know one. I mean, if it was didn't matter Rogan was in the middle of a fucking tiger bit.

The lights come on. The fucking music happens. Everyone's out the door. Get back to the tables Vegas back in the original days, they were still running it. The show ends at this time. Get the fuck out. We want them back in that room, gambling. We don't give a fuck about this. Your art or any of that.

This is to mind fuck them. Yes. And to think that they got something else for them, but they didn't go spend. You just spent $20 on this. We gave it to you for 20 of free. Now go spend a thousand. You hear we used to do it. The Riv. Want the door guy at the comedy store, Harris PD, been doing the Riv for probably 20 years.

Since, since what's his name was booking it? And so he would find out the week before the drink ticket colors. You know, like they would give you those drink tickets. Yeah. Those coupons. Yeah. He would find out the color for the next week. Go out and print out like all his own things and then just sit there at the bar and print out tickets. So me and Ari, we owe it's how we did it for years. We'd go there with our own drink tickets. Right. So we didn't have to spend money on, you know, the fucking drink. Well, because they gave people don't understand, now you get treated, good and vagus.

Now, I'm sure clubs, because the clubs now, that's where you say go back to your point, like there's a seller now. There's a fact, last fact, there's a couple comedy clubs that are doing like building something. I mean, I don't know if they're doing open mic. I'm sure they are at some point. Yeah, no, they have dirty at 12.30.

Yeah, so it's like, you're getting a, a, a, a, a, a, a vibe and you're training audience members, like you're gonna have to sit there and listen and pay like you're getting a, you know, a vibe and you're training audience members like you're gonna have to sit there and listen and pay attention for a little bit, you know. Yeah, no, they're true. They're used to seeing good comics locally, which is good. But yeah, the real people don't understand. You, you would treat it like an employee. When you're a comedian, you're the motherfucker. Yeah. When you're at the river or any of those artists, you ate at the bit with the where the dealers eat I've never been so depressed like that was like

People talk about like is the road tough now. I'm like no, dude I ate at the rift in the cafeteria with the tube TVs when like nobody had tube TVs Yeah, I had to bring the tray out they slopped it on you got a card Yes, you scanned and you went downstairs and you sat with two Asian black Jack dealers eating fucking like chicken pot pie At 330 in the morning with chocolate milk taking their teeth out and you were allowed to eat the buffet from like midnight to 6 a.m Yeah, it's like when they were let you go into like the normal people here, dude It was yeah, it was horrible and I'm a Keith is downstairs Keith Robinson. Yeah, and the first time I did it with him He was at the Harris at the broth.

That was two weeks. You had to do two weeks. 16 shows a week. I'd never drove so fast back to LA. And I did that the second second show on Sun. And good night. Thank you. And I was at that fake prim de vaude by the time they had learned it off. I was fucking out of there. Dude, it was it was devastating. I've never seen Keith Robertson more defeated and broken than when I showed up his second week in Vegas.

He was there for a second week and he was just like, yo, he was like looking into his hands like in my room, just like, yeah, man, I don't know if I can do it. Like trying to get his blood back into, he was dying. Yeah, it's, yeah, it was bad. It was fucking bad. And you, and the time there was no, there was no accolade. There was no, you had to sell Riviera merch. Yeah, you had to go outside and like, yeah, yeah, before you had merch, nobody had merch. Yeah, couldn't afford to go to a company

and have shit shipped to you. No, that was it. I was selling shit for the Riviera. Oh my god. Oh Holy. Yeah, it was bad. But now, but then the palms and we, you know, that was fun. That was like, because it was the weekend. It was felt you. Yeah, they treated you nicely. You kind of felt like you were on the meat then, do right? No, when I first did that, when I was working you done, I was doing like, no, no, no, I was way before that. It was like, you weren't on the league then. No. So did leaks start in 2009. We did that like no, no, no, I was way before that it was like you know you weren't on the league then no So did leak started 2009 we did that like 2007 eight fucking make-a-me set yeah, I know what what we want though I knew you were on something punked maybe yes That's my you mother fucker that was 2003. I did that Dude and then which I know I know you punk was the original jackass right?

It was jack no was the original jackass right? It was Jack. No jack we were Jackass. I was Jackass. No punk was before jackass right but jackass was so much better than punked and different than punk Punk was good. I like yes punk when when they when they had the right formula It was good sometimes it was just like some of this shit We did was just like me and let me tell you I love mean shit But like with no like like we punked a rod one time, right? Yeah, and it never came out, but like we had no like the plan was like I was a waiter He was about to get traded from Boston. Yeah, to two Boston from the Texas rain Remember that it was like it's a little doggy about to yeah, he's going to the red socks

So I was gonna play I played a waiter that was like not psyched about here I was from Boston and I was like, I'm not psyched, you're coming here. I'd rather have Derek Cheater anyone else. And that was the whole, like they didn't give me, like just be mean to him till he snaps. That was essentially like, it wasn't like that. We're gonna take his furniture,

it's towards the end of it. Not yes, towards the end. That's it, it was just like laughing. Yeah, it was just like, dude, we got someone out there, just go fucking rile them up and see what he does. And of course he snapped. What do you do? Well, I pulled the club or lag on him.

I went over and brought the check to his wife and said, look, I understand he's a millionaire or whatever, but like if you ever want to get with a winner real man, I'm something to be and I put my phone number and thing. And he fucking stood up and dude, he came right at any one would. He's a big boy. And I was, I just started young young. I'm like you're on punk. You're on punk What's good take him around the clock oh no bro. This is over this guy is The rev cord

I'm a dying for MTV's fucking Viacom. I'm gonna be of the story though He beat the you got the chick that was the that was the next thing if I didn't say what I said really could ran around the table. I mean it was he would have he could have killed me. He would have killed me. He was a private party only like his eight like he was one of those things where he would have killed me and they would have had like the show would have them covering up the fact that he murdered me. I'm saying it's it was yeah it was like that was you know that

right. You did dude I did a punk. Who'd you do? Dane. Oh, really? And he wouldn't let him air it. That happened a couple times. Because that's what I'm saying. I don't know what happened,

but was it just flat out mean? It might not have been mean. Like, some of them would just mean. And I liked the lot of, like, the Justin Timberlake one. Like the first year, the Dax ones were were really really great because they were like Scenarios and shit they thought about like crazy shit. No, man. It was but Jack just in Timberlake dude That's what yeah, when that was a great one. He's crying like that's when it man It was so good dude. They they would just try to jam as many as they could in there

I really liked Pock, but yeah, they had us. They called me up. It was right at his peak and right after Torgasm, and they called me up and they went over it and we came up with it. It was weird because I thought they would have something. Yeah. They were like, what do you think?

I know. I don't know, fuck. And then we came up with this idea about a magician, who was a thief. And he still steals my watch. And they hired a real magician or whatever. I don't know, whatever. So we had to go out to eat

and I had to take him to this, you know, and Danes eats like five things. Yeah. He eats like fucking Kentucky fried chicken, quiz nose and pizza. He's one of Kentucky fried chicken, quiz nose, and pizza. Uh-huh. He's one of those famous motherfuckers that, you know those? Yeah.

I only, yeah, they only eat this. Yup. You wanna go get some, no, I don't. I go to five places. And I was like, dude, let's go to this fucking trendy, horshit. Yeah, restaurant. Some bar, I don't drink. Yup.

Some play, they gotta get him over there. And I was like, guys, this fucking place, we'd never, we'd never go there. Yeah. We'd do it if folks go to chow. Yeah. That's one of the places he goes. Yep.

And what happened? We did it there. And as we're walking, there's just some black dude in front of a storefront with a table. I was like, these dudes don't care about the show. That's what they don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, man. And I used a yo yo yo. I was like, these dudes don't care about this show anymore. That's what they don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, man. And he was like, yo, yo, yo.

I was like, I don't know. Well, I had to get him in. I told them that my wife was pregnant. And he was, I felt bad because he was all excited. Because I didn't, I had to, I gotta talk to you. I gotta really. Yeah. And I was like, dude, don's pregnant.

And he's like, oh my god, blah, blah, blah. And we were talking and he's like, let's get the fuck out of it. Why are we here? And I was like, don's pregnant and he's like oh my god blah blah blah And we were talking and he's like let's get the fuck out of why are we here? Yeah, and I was a yeah I don't know and it kind of was then we walked by was yo yo Can you and we did this thing and he took my watch and The cops came that was a table right there. I'm just gonna do magic on the streets of LA outside this fucking restaurant Why I wound up what the fuck he? He took my brightling, right? Yeah. And I want to call the cops, the cops come,

and they arrest this guy, but they're about to, I'm gonna flip out, so then, I think they arrest, I don't even know what bullshit happened, and then they were like, I felt bad too, because Dan was about to, you know, be silly. He was? He was about to be silly. He was? He was about to be like, you know, man, you know, that shit with yo man.

Yeah. You probably chill out. You gotta stop, you know. He was about to be, you know, I love you brother, you know, that shit. You gotta stop, man, you can't go back to jail, dude. You know, that weird shit. And he never did and they, they, you need his release.

Yeah, that's what happened. I would love to see it now because I wonder if it was actually funny. Yeah, I mean, it might have not been. They had it cut it together and if they're not gonna, if he won't get the release, there's nothing to do, they gotta rip the film up right there. That's what happened.

Oh, you have to rip it up. You gotta like, that's what, yeah. A.R.O.d was worried that like the shit that he said was gonna get like someone's gonna edit it at sports center and then it's gonna blow his fucking deal to- This white. Yeah, what that you know, it's like no one fucking needs that and my point like you would never they were the mean ones were good. I mean, the mean ones were never as funny as the ones that just like people were like Justin Timberlake. That was just like, I didn't understand like you're just a comedian and they as just, who

is this dude? That's Justin Timberlake. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was, that was the best one. Yeah, because in taxes, I did that. I did a great one. I did Tracy Morgan. And like he believed that his cars were being taken. And he believed like he, like when you have someone, like he was so fixated, we, we, Oh, when you, when you, when you told his car, that was a good one too. Yes, because he, like he was truly a

Tracy Morgan. Yeah, bring up. Did that one was like one that, that was my first one ever. He was gonna hurt. So he was going to jail. Oh, yeah. Dude, because he was truly a crazy morgue. Bring up. That one was like one that was my first one ever. He was gonna hurt. He was going to jail. Oh, yeah, dude. And his friends, like only one of his friends was knew that this was going on. The other ones were like, you're not taking shit to anywhere.

Man. And I was like, whoa. And I'm thinking I'm like, I'm on TV. Like no one's gonna hurt me. Meanwhile, they don't know. No one knows they're on TV. Like this chicken go fucking crazy right now. Someone can punch me in the face.

Yeah, this is, you could get fucking beat up. What's gonna happen? Or here's the problem. I look at it too, is one of these guys could just take out a fucking gun and shoot you. Yeah, stab you. Yeah. Not knowing this camera's around.

Exactly. Cause that was before a cell phone camera. Much, right? Yeah that I yeah, I mean They were around a little bit, but not like they are now so one dude could just beat the shit out You'll give you a nice stab and you're like dude this 19 cameras just five hundred and seventy five dollars No, they were that's what you got paid you got paid what you got paid per day you worked like a door like if I did What was a Craig killborn that night? I would have doubled my money. Let's just put it that way I can you got whatever the basic rate for you know

Fuckin' justra minimum day did Justin hook you up at all nobody. I mean no Whatever the fuck is yeah, they take you to like nice restaurants once in a while and stuff like that Oh, it was people suck. I mean it was like a thing where you just like, no one's ever put me on TV before, so fuck here. I get it. VH1 talking heads. I know, that's it. We're exposing you.

Exactly. To a bunch of idiots. Oh, fuck. I knew I was a piece of shit when I said no to them. And that next week and who's on it? The makeup guy. Yeah. Who did my makeup?

Yeah. Was like, I think Kristian Aguilar is crazy. And by the way, they love him. He was way better than me. He was fucking crazy. He was way funny. There are people that could do it. Like, do you ever go on Chelsea?

I never did Chelsea, but like I would watch people and they would just like, nobody, it was constant talking. And I was like, I just want to go on there once and say nothing for the whole half hour. I want to see if I could just say literally nothing. Yeah. Because people just fucking talk, talk, but the, you know, pop culture, that's it. Yeah, no, I did talk proud.

That's, that's like friends. Tough crowd was fucking stressful though, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it was just tough crowd. Like, if you were good, like if Rogan called you tomorrow to do Rogan, would that be the same amount of nerves as like the way Tom, like that? No, no, because I, I look, I like Rogan called you tomorrow to do Rogan, would that be the same amount of nerves as like the way Tom and I did back then? No, because I look, I like Rogan.

I've known Rogan for a long time. And no, I guess it's down to talk to Rogan. Yeah, because he's not them. Yeah, you understand? But you're crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, we're those. Listen, Rogan doesn't bust balls. Yeah.

Rogan will fucking talk to you and listen to you and joke with you and have fun with you. But he's not gonna go do a nice shirt, pussy. I mean, I just walked downstairs and saw Rose Buds sweater and me and Keith, I think, made fun of her. I think she's quitting comedy. I just went to college. I was like, you fucking walked from work.

I mean, we were a smasher. I mean, smasher, husband, I mean, and tough crowd was, tough crowd was tough because you're on there with Greg Geraldo who is a fucking zipper quick, Norton and Patrice and Keith and Voss and of course Colin, and they're just so good at that. You know, and it was stressful, man.

It was like going on open Anthony, going on open Anthony, I would actually pray to God. That would seem more nerve I would be no more than that. I mean legitimately. That's live, right? Because I mean like, that was like a mean. You did a joke and it didn't go well at bomb, whatever. Yeah, you get the laughs at that, whatever. But like if it went really poorly and no one like think I could probably cut it out Dude open Anthony if you just throw it out there

Open Anthony wasn't me if they were just trying to attack you. Yeah, as soon as you walked in Yeah, they were like fucking shut up. Yeah stupid. Yeah, I mean I I am I'm not even kidding. I've prayed to God I've got on my knees and said, please help me. Yeah, give me a hand. Because I was so afraid of going on with like Patrice and all those guys. And because you have to learn to take a hit,

you know, that's what I say to people. If you can't take a hit, you shouldn't give a hit. You can't take somebody fucking with you. You shouldn't fuck with people. And at that time, it would hurt my feelings. Like, you know what I mean? Dude, I have thrown clothes out because of them. I've-

You changed your own style because of them? Dude, I stopped what the E.A. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, yeah, I mean- Rethought things, right? Yeah, dude. Rosebun's never gonna wear that sweater here again What does it look like is garbage is garbage, but you know

Taba she looks like Mindy from more but it's you know, I used to be scared of that shit So going on those shows They you know like going on Rogan It looks like a fun time, you know, plus you get to pontificate. What I think, but it's weird too, because he goes from fucking, you know, the guy who cured AIDS. Yeah, to, uh, to Ari, to, yeah, Ari's balls with, you know, with the glasses on them. Yeah, no, that's, that's the great thing about the show. But like, yeah,

I see what you're saying. It's like, you can go off on a tangent and kind of think about things on Rogan, whereas like with those guys, I'm sure if you like had an idea and you floated it out there and it wasn't like, they would let you have it. You know, they don't put you on you moron. What would you think about that? Or you dummy, you know, well, they wouldn't let you get over. Yeah, they would they let a stranger come in and get over. Like if they you came on the, or you were on the league,

they'd let you come in, they wouldn't fuck with you. But if I was a came in, I'd shout out, or if like Norton says something, if you fuck up a word, that was the worst. If you fucked up a word, like what did you say? I thought I knew you. I can't even get it out, dude. Yeah, I mean, it's, it was.

Aralizing fear though, but what is it prepare you for? It was paralyzing. I mean, it prepares you for it. It prepared me. It's something. It prepared for me. It did prepare me for social media. Yeah, I mean, I still, but I'm not that guy. Like there's people that like Lewis Gomez is emotionally disconnected from, he has no empathy or he's not connected emotionally to these people. He can say anything and you can say anything back and it doesn't affect him at all. It does not.

I am connected. I spent years in therapy to reconnect my emotions. Yeah, you have humanity inside you. Which was the wrong thing to do. Yeah. Like I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have had a kid. I should have never got married.

No. And I would be way happier. Yeah. Oh, I'd just be on fucking Twitter going, oh, you're a fucking sissy, you know, yeah, I'm fat. Your mother's a cunt. Yeah. You wouldn't care.

You'd deflect, go right back at him. I know. I don't, I don't even engage, dude. Yeah. I have a Twitter account, but I'm not even, I haven't been on it in three years. I don't even look at it. I do, too.

I don't really, I look at it once. I, I post shit and not look. Yeah. You know, but the, the, the, like I remember, like this, these type of things, I remember seeing you on that, I forgot that you were on that. I forgot that that's the first thing I remember.

Because you, you were actually, like we were doing, at that time we were here doing like tough crowd and opening Anthony and you guys were out there fucking getting on TV. Yeah. And which, I remember you on that, and then from that, you got on the league, right? Well, I did a couple sitcoms that one of them went

for like a year or a couple, it was called Big Day. I love these things though. This is what I love about. People don't understand that these shows, I did one called a Drennel and Run, made it. I've done a bunch of these little pilots that have been made it. You did the FX stuff.

We kind of crossed paths for a couple of years on the FX stuff when you were doing... Sex drugs and rock'n'roll. Yeah, yeah. I think we had, do you ever go to little bowling parties? Those fucking bowling parties, right? Do you ever do that? I mean, must have crossed, yeah.

So yeah, so then eventually I got on the league. And so FX was really not... How did you book do that? I'm so much as a cross. Yeah, so yeah, so then I eventually got on the on the league And so FX was really not how did you book the league? What is so it was I had auditioned for Many times for this casting director and so she was like I have this fan. It's she I just done mall cop And she cast me in that and she goes I have this fantasy football show. It's an improvise show I'm I know you love football bringing in for your great improviser I go great, so I went in and I read You know you didn't read there's nothing to read. I just improvised with with the creators No shit And they had me in mind for one role and I laughed and then they they came back to say what you mind doing this other role

And I read with the girl the woman that played my wife on the show and we just improvised like a quick thing And then they were like it was that quick. they were like we want you to do it really yeah and I had this other kind of movie that I've for effects effects had nothing like they were everything I'd done up to that point was like hey they're gonna send you to the studio to test then they're gonna send you to the network that worse you had a roll yourself out in front of them and like you know do the whole and then you leave and then one guy goes like this and you know they judge you I really remember this guy. I had one guy at Sony. Oh yeah, yeah. The big roller.

Yeah. Go in front of the exact same one guy at Sony. I didn't get the role of Bobby Kelly, Dane's best friend. What happened? Someone else got the fucking role. He said, you know, the nerd from grandma's boy. Yeah. He got it.

Oh my god. They said, Dan, what was the nerd from grandma's boy. Yeah, he got it. Oh, he's they said Damn, we're woods because he's bald and he was like we like hair at Sony. Oh boy. It was because I was bald Yeah, dude. I was bald. They didn't like they wanted a they like hair the guy Yeah, just like hair. That's how it is. I didn't book me. Yeah, I mean literally shit. That was in the script I've said yep, and you didn't even make it. They had another round. They brought Bobby Kelly's to the network and you weren't even there.

Oh, no, I was at the network. Oh, you dig now. I thought it was like the first step. That was the final step. Oh my god. Yeah. It was a final step. Yeah, but FX was like, I don't know how your experience was,

but like, I got, they were like, we want you to do the show. And I was like, all right, great. I'll do it. I never had like, go read for any, I never met anyone in FX until the first, until the premiere at the end of the first season. And then after we started getting picked up, they started doing these upfront things where their version of like, kind of like, hey, let's, let's have the TV shows meet the advertisers and then kind of non-we non weird way so they rented out this bowling alley on the west side Yeah, and so we would go there every once a year. They fly everyone out I actually just took a car from my house. Yeah, I lived on 47th Street. It was on 42nd Street They flew us all out. They put us up at the hotel down Trump down there

And then they would you know we'd have party that we do the bowling party. Yeah, you know, weird thing It was a weird thing, but it was kind of like, you know, it was a it was a cool way to kind of see the other shows Like I got to hang out with a couple of the sons and arc you guys because we just did those things three years for it It's like Theo Rossi and I became friends and so it's you know, just through those I was so awkward. Oh me too, dude I remember I met the who are the twins? The So awkward. Oh, me too, dude. I remember I met the who of the twins. The black brothers brothers. Yeah, yeah, they had a show. And what's his name? The Afro dude, black dude, crazy, had his own show with Donald Glover. No, because he has I'm thinking of the people. Yeah, no, no, he wasn't. He was, he was there.

He was, um, fuck, you know, the weird guy had have to ask people. Yeah, no, no, no, he wasn't on he was he was there he was um Fuck you know the weird guy had an interstitial With No, not read you watch he had interstitial with Belle I'm just this is borderline races now again till I just need Yeah, no, I'm trying to come Come on, who you think? With Hannibal Burris. Had a show with Hannibal Burris, he was the host. Eric Andre.

Eric Andre. Oh my God. Was there, he's black dude. Yeah, yeah, half, I think, yeah. Well, if he do, I don't know if you get the clown. You can make that choice. I don't think we can do that anymore. Dude, we fucking, I remember he was there.

I was so excited to meet both of those guys. Yeah. And then Louis Anderson was there. I was so excited to meet both of them, all those guys. And then Louis Anderson was there. So I'm hanging with Dennis Leary. Louis Anderson's boat goes in and says, laying into Leary, just roasting them. How, look at Dennis. So skinny. Ow.

I was dying. Yeah, dude. There's nobody does that to Dennis. Yeah. And he was just taking it, because it's fucking Louis. Yeah, and then the, and all these industry people, all these, you don't, you're seeing that Boeing with these people, and you don't know who the fuck they are.

Did I remember seeing Louis when Louis had a show? Like it was, because his cast was just, Louis was there. Louis was the only guy there. And I'm like, because they even make like a bowling team. It was like, Louis and like 10 executives, because Louis was the only guy from the show. What a weird, crazy.

Weird business, we're in. I know. That bowling, that we have to go, I mean, what? They gave us, I still have the jerseys with the fucking league on the back. Remember they gave us like the shirts and stuff they wanted us to wear? No, I did it at the, probably a few years in when they said,

I'm always a guy that I'm a swag killer. Yeah, oh really why? Oh dude, anytime they'll have like a festival or some type of thing like that and they come out with a great swag and then four years in like yeah, we don't need to do that anymore. It's a waste of money, we don't have the money.

That's what you're doing there, that's it. That's an eye coming, that's cause of me. Yeah, that's cause of me. I remember Leary's Boston Comics come home. Then we give you like a $500 Apple card every year. Yeah, what happened to you? You did it. I think we got a sundries bag. And a quiz nose $59.

It was a nice put them in. I'll tell you it was a nice sundries bag, but it was too big. It was like this big and it's like, dude, no, I have a deodorant, yo tengo un diodero y un rezo y un toothbrush. No, yo hice un poco de los Network Shows, donde eran los froncados en New York, ellos eran los propios de los lops, y todo esto. Eso es todo eso. Es mucho más que la gente que se ha quedado en la forma de la gente.

Es como, oh, me gusta. Es cuando se ha ganado mucho la gente. 3x1, 3x1, 3x1, 3x1, 3x1, 3x1, 3x1 Esta es la 3x1 señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu en el 3x1 en medianas al omicidio solo pidiendo el line. ¿Sabá? 3x1, 3x1, ah no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán, a partir de 19 euros.

Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Efects, man, pero Efects, you gotta think back that, right? Efects. It was smart. They still are. I think I ended FX.

What? I mean, I ended it. The party or the whole network? I mean, they got good shows, but they're not, they had fucking the shield. Rescue me, sons of Anarchy, the league, always sunny. What was, Louie? Yeah, Louie was great. I mean dude think about that network. How powerful? Yeah, it was for you it was like there was no Netflix then nobody was it's over HBO

He really did like for a while they never got nominated for anything. They tried hard. Oh, dude Louie won five fucken Emmy. Yeah, until he came over and that was till he come like the critical darling So critical darling. I mean rescue me. Should have won Emmy all the time. and there was until he come like the critical darling so critical darling I mean rescue me should have won Emmy all the time shield shield was like the before the sopranos. Yeah, I mean It was a fucking I mean it's still a great network. Yeah, but I remember what they brought us to those up front in LA at that hotel in Pasadena. Oh the Langham. Yeah The Langham hotel wow. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. You go in, it's all the press. Yeah. And the sad part is, they're terrible.

Is that John Corbett walked by, skis, skis, skis, and I walked out of my car and I just, you walking through and you heard, you heard this, ready? It's good. And the guy went big fan. Well, I did the red car one time with Timothy Olyfon. You've never I love it. So ugly. You I look like a gargoyle next to Timothy Olyfon. Dude, he's so looking. Oh my god. Weird brother. Yeah, and I'm not even like terrible looking, but like next to him, you look disgusting. He's such a good look at dude. Such a fucking good looking guy. They're bringing it back. Are they really? Justified's coming back.

Dude, I love justifying. He's the shit. Dude, I did, I remember Dane had me in his movie, not to bring him up again. Paul Gis, but uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, whoa, the first, whatever the movie was, I was in it for a quick hot minute, hot second, right?

And I went to the, you know, the red carpet. I was, I was like, we're waiting back. I don't want to go yet. We're going to let everybody go. And then we go. And we'll just be us on the red carpet. We'll take over, right? And I had a kid. I was like, you tell them who we are. You tell them, I would, you know, Trees, Torgas, you be our PR. Yeah, go for it. And it was Jay Davis. He's got a cool, cool, you know, James great for that. Right. So we get on the red carpet. Every is already in like this is Robert Kelly. James Fred. He's in the movie. He's fucking tour guys. And the kids, kids, kids, kids,

and they start going over here all of a sudden some lady goes, you need to go. What the fucking Eddie Murphy. Eddievy at the same idea? You were in the Delivery Museum? Yeah. Fuck, I got you. Dude, it sounded like fireworks. They shuffled us off that fucking red carpet. Like we were, we were homeless people.

Dude, we at the, we, one, the one year I did that ABC show, it was at some fucking hotel in New York City. And they had like booths We were all like with pharmaceutical reps. We each each show had a booth Right the advertisers walk around right we were our booth was right next to Gray's an enemy Which was like in its fourth or fifth season of so the line to meet those people I mean we could have sat there with our dicks out our kids out fingering ourselves Nobody knew no one cared. Nothing.

No one even gave a shit that we were there. That was when we did the, we did the section drug, second year, we did the Comic Con, and I'm walking, and we had a, you know, a couple of people, whatever. Yeah. But we're walking through the thing, and I see this line, and I followed it for three and a half blocks.

What was it to? Impractual Joker. Yeah. They had a three and a half blocks. What was it to? Impractable Joker. They had a red to store front. They had a rent, a fucking store front to put their shit in because there was so many people to see those vicar guys. I know. Dude, I think six people said,

hey, I love the show. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, weird thing, man. I mean, you were on FX for how many years? Mm, seven. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Syndication? Not really. I mean you were on FX for how many years? Hmm seven. Jesus Christ. Yeah. syndication. Not really. I mean, it's on streaming. So they never really air it again on the actual network.

It's so weird that we were there too. They went from the ratings changed. So it went to three million viewers to yeah. Plus seven plus nine. I don't know what any of that stuff meant. I mean, somebody recorded it and watched it three days, seven days. You are plus seven, that's what it was. Yeah, some shit. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, whoever we give it from the original air day,

plus seven days and whoever watches it on their DVR is that counts towards the... Now how many episodes did you do, 13 a year? We did 13, yeah. So 13 and you did seven years. Yeah. You got to bump every year. Yeah. So by the end, you were fucking nice.

You did nice. You did nice. You did nice to last 13. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we only signed to do seven or six years. So we did the whole friends negotiation where we all just did it together. No way.

Yeah. And we just said one for all, all for one. And it worked. Yeah, it worked. You did work for friends, but like, yeah, so they paid you what you wanted Yeah, for the seventh and final season. Yeah, wow. Yeah, dude We went I'm a one that went to the second season people don't know this, but you get you Legally or in your contract every year they have to bump you up. Yeah a certain amount of like 5% or something like that

That's the minimum, but it like you know, like if you're going from like year 5 to 6, it's pretty big because at that point, it's kind of successful so they can afford it. I, because it's life changing. Yeah. It's life changing. Yeah, dude. I mean, you're going from 500 in an episode. $500.

I'm working at the comedy store at night. Doing what? Selling tickets. No shit, people. That's where I worked. Doing punks during the day at the comedy store at night. Doing what? Selling tickets. No shit people, that's where I worked. Doing punks during the day, people are coming at night, they're like, aren't you the guy from fucking punk? And I'm in the cover booth, dude, selling tickets. People don't, they were like, you're supposed to be famous. You're a famous person.

I see you on television. I'm like, I made less than fucking homeless people begging in the right corner in Beverly Hills today. Like $500, they have to tax it, my agent's the man just, you know, at a 500, you're gonna take money? 500, where's the bottom? If I go on Social Security, you're gonna take fucking 10.

Oh, they'll take that fucking. It does it sad, dude. Dude, what did you do? What did you do? We told you where your gig was this weekend. What? Bro, I was so happy when I got past the comedy store. I got my first check for $15 paid spot and I was so happy I got to keep all of it. I go, they're not gonna take the

My manager and agents are gonna take 10% of this to I got to keep the whole Fucking dollars fucking that's how they beat you down so badly Yeah, you think the eating with the dealers at the RIV is a fucking, is a treat. You're like, at least I'm on the road. This year away from those fucking sharks. Oh, God. So, but then you go from that, you book this gig on site

and there's nothing better than booking something like that. The process of getting a show is so taxing. And so it's like, it's like, it's like when you get to play, you play the mega millions. And then they go, we didn't get a winner. And you get to play again. Yeah. And you get to play again. And the first three numbers come up the same and that you have. And you're like, the fourth number is different. You're like, fuck. You're analogies way better than mine. My analogy sucks. Oh, I think you're an analogy. Thanks for punching up my analogy. But can I ask know you suck. Oh, I'm, I think your analogy was fine. Thanks a lot. Punching up my analogy.

But can I ask you a question, though? I mean, would you do it again? I mean, I don't think I would, like I couldn't audition the way I used to audition for shit. I couldn't, I don't think I have it in me. Like the skin anymore to be like, to either not snap back at someone and be like, you know what, I don't know.

You're gonna have a great video of like, of me being like, go fuck yourself. I'm done with everybody in this business. I'll run a sandwich shop and be just as fucking happy. What are you Joe DeRosa? Literally. I envy Joe. Joe, I look at him now and I go,

shut the fuck up. I'm being serious. I look at him now. I go, the guy's got everything. I'm serious. He's got a delicious sandwich shop that people enjoy. Yeah. People happy. He's funny enough delicious sandwich shop that people enjoy. Yeah. People happy.

Okay. He's funny enough to be around everyone and do whatever he wants to do quickly. Okay. And that's the end of his responsibilities. Besides, you know how low you set the bar. You went from Joe Rogan to Joe Derosa. I know, but like to be Joe, the amount of shit that I have to Joe. But the things I would have to do

to be Joe Rogan, I couldn't, the list alone. I'm already tired. Deroza, I'm like two alleys away from Deroza. I can get there in two seconds, no problem. That feels a pain. Yeah, you get a small business loan. So now in my mind, I have to make that like a beautiful place to go.

You get a small business loan. That's what I need to podcast with in my famous I have to make that like a beautiful place to go. You're a small business loan. That's what I need to do a podcast with a more famous comedian. That's right. That's all anyone wants nowadays. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. I would be more than me.

Let's fucking do it. Let's open up a fucking sandwich shop. I'm. How great would that be to get a couple thousand dollars in a month, just from making sandwiches for people. And you get to decide the different sandwiches every month. Here's the problem. Here's the problem.

We're not going to meet them. No, he called me up one morning. He's crying. And he's like, dude, I got to go, I got to go put a roast in the oven. Yeah. It was 9.30 on a Saturday. He's like, I got to go put a roast in the oven. Fuck you, Mr. Brennan's easy.

I know. I'm done. Yeah. Here's the thing. I understand what you're saying, but you have to fight. You have to fight that shit. Yo, why? So I'm supposed to still fight to be a winner,

is what you're telling me. No, you won. I won already. You already won. Yeah. You won. The thing that we keep forgetting is that we already won. That's why I don't want to keep fighting,

but you don't have to fight. Who are you fighting? I feel like everything now is a competition to the get like you, how's your YouTube channel and this and you got to get that? And you're taking the right creatine shot because your brain is like, I can't, I don't know, like I can't wrap my head around all this.

I just wanted to be funny. You won. And then that's it. That you won. We already won, dude. You won. Listen, listen, let me tell you something. I've heard this derosus thing has thrown you off.

No, no, no, no, look, we gotta have an intervention. Dude, no, no. If derosus is hero, this is a fucking serious problem. I'm glad you came on tonight, Steve. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, a couple. You got a dog, okay, do you listen? Do you have the things in your life that you wanted? Yes. But is it the exact house you wanted? No, kind of, yeah.

What a rake. All's enough. It's not the thing you saw, I'm gonna have all glass overlooking Los Angeles with an infinity, no, you didn't get that, but you got a nice house. It keeps everybody Yeah. Overlooking Los Angeles. Yeah. With an infinity, no, you didn't get that, but you got a nice house. Yeah, beautiful. It keeps everybody warm.

Everyone's, no rain gets in. Nothing. You won. Yeah. I won. You know, two years ago is, I was sitting there and I was during COVID, lost everything. All the gone in a night.

Everything was so, like being. I was yeah, everything was kicking it And then it was all going and I'm like dude. I don't know what the fuck to do and and then I Took we were talking all I had no money and I had a do patreon I had a learn on turn of fucking shed into a studio. I know this shit. And I was doing shows seven days of weak podcasting, trying to make enough money just to put, you know, keep the lights on, right? Yeah.

And then in the middle of that, I was talking to my wife and we had this loan that we took out on the house to do something else. And we had a chunk of money. I go, we should buy a tiny house. She was like, I always wanted to do it. Let's do it. Why are we waiting?

Let's fucking get it and fuck it. Fuck it. If you do it, you'll get there, right? Yup. I was like, what are we gonna wait for for me to become? Who? Who? Who am I supposed to, what's the level of fame that am I supposed to become?

The universe, I have the money of fame. Am I supposed to become the universe? I have the money. Yeah. It's not, I don't have 10 million in the bank. I don't even have a half a million in the bank. You know, just do this outright to go and do it. But the universe gave me the money. It's right there.

It's alone. It's gonna, it's a little different, but it's right there. Fuckin' do it. What am I waiting for? To become Joe Rogan, to become Billy Burr, to become a fucking Joe DeRosa? Dude.

It's like I won. I'm winning, it's over. The game is over, I won, because I do what I love to fucking do as a job. That is, the game for me is to better yourself as much as you can during your life. Yeah. You shouldn't accept unacceptable shit in your life. You should try. Look, you know, do I have abs? No. Am I still a fucking food addict? Yes. Am I recovering alcoholic? What? Yes. I'm all this shit, right? Do I still abuse myself when good things happen?

Yes, when bad thing, when I get depressed, do I want to fucking hurt myself? Yes, do I want to eat and shovel food? All this shit, but I constantly try to change and become better, right? And then, but everything else, I won. Yes. I could live in a smaller house.

And still be winning. And still be fine. Mm-hmm And you look at my kid, you know what I mean? I'll do it. You want this? There was this gold chain. She died. I want it was like Miami thing was thousand dollars and he was putting on it I said dude, I want dad. I want that. I want this gold chain And I was like okay, and then I saw a little tiny thin one over there go to it Look at this one. It sparkled a little more. I go, look how about it? It's just sparkles.

I want that one. He doesn't give a fuck about anything except me. Yeah. I give a fuck about all the other shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? So... I have that. I'm very lucky in that department. It's just... And it's just tough, too, because we've tasted it.

Yeah. We've tasted it. Yeah. You've tasted it. Yeah, but've tasted it. You've tasted it. Yeah, but I don't really like, I don't miss it. It's not like a thing where I'm like, oh God, I miss fucking going to like parties and shit with people that like, you know, weren't really my friends or, you know, I'm saying like,

that stuff, all that stuff that goes along with it is all, I didn't really enjoy any of that. I never was like, oh, I've got to get a publicist so I can get into this party or that party. I know that shit ever interest me. Yeah, I never got like, oh, I've got to get a publicist so I can get into this party or that party. And I know that shit ever interests me. Yeah, I never got into that too. To probably my own detriment. Like, that's how you become bigger, you network and shit.

Like, I'm terrible at all that time. I'm terrible at network. It's the first time I've done your podcast. I don't even try there for 15 years. I know. Because it's like, you know, just I'm terrible at like asking or talking or network and that kind of shit. If I see you, it's like I feel like I'm bothering you by being like, hey, I love to come on the pot.

It's like, you know, I feel the same way. It's a what? Yeah. I was, I was a week and a half with Don Gavin, one of the greatest Boston comics I ever live. And I was afraid to ask him to do my, I literally have microphones that are this big.

I could literally just stick on him and it goes into my phone and I could have had an amazing podcast with the legend in Aruba. Yep. That would have been epic for the, and I was too, there was something inside of me that was like, oh, don't do it. And then they might have been the right move, dude. You might have bothered him. You might have been like put them off. You might whatever I should have saying you did or would have, but I'll tell you, I'll give you a better example.

Ready? And you won't be able to defend this one. The way you just did. All right. The way you just made. I'm trying to, it was good defense. I liked it. It was good.

It was good. A week before Patrice died, he was supposed to do my podcast. And what did he want up to in J. Morris? And I called him up and go, what the fuck, dude? He goes, yo, stupid. You were supposed to call me and you never did. I'll do your podcast. Oh, and you never did. I know. And I was like, what the fuck do you do? He is, you know, he called me. Yeah. With the fuck, man, you do you do? He is, he called me. Yeah. What the fuck man?

I know. You said you were gonna call me, you didn't call, and I was like, I don't want you to do it. And I was, he said, I'd stoop it, and then he died. I dreamed of getting to the point where you, like, are big enough that you have a booker. That way I don't have to ask. That way somebody else just does a for me, you know? Yeah, it's a, I don't know, we got a fucking, I got real serious to, I started preaching to you. No, no, it's good though. I needed it for a minute because I mean, look, let me tell you,

now that I've rethought about it, the roast is not where I want to end up. You know, it's like more, the more distance I have from the thought, I'm saying to myself, he's probably going to be psyched if he hears this and that's not like what you want You're the person you're looking up to be like oh shit. He likes me like you know like that person It shouldn't affect them at all, but I love Joe and I would be happy if I was Joe. All right Here goes the fucking here goes a nice guy. Ah, no, yeah, I love Joe too, but fuck that Yeah, I don't want to fucking do that. I know what I want to do.

I wouldn't mind doing acting. I love acting, dude. And I even like the auditioning part sucks. But the challenge of it, I kind of like, I love failing. I failed so much at auditioning. Dude, I actually failed. Once I remember they were making fun of me and they didn't know I was, I used the bathroom and I was walking by and I was like, hey guys, I'm still here.

They were like, sorry. Oh, dude, I forgot like my sunglasses in the fucking room with how I can't, come back and you hear the one guy go, ru-wam, I don't know. Like, oh shit, I'm sorry I gotta come back. And yeah, that part of it sucks. Oh my God.

I have to disagree with you on one thing. What? I love fame. Really? Like being? Look, let me tell you something, buddy. And anybody who says it, anybody who says, being, fuck, look, if, look, I don't wanna be famous.

I wanna be funny. Yeah. Okay, I chose funny. Which has been bad for me. Yeah. I chose funny people, I've chose Funny, and I should have went another angle. I should have stayed in shape and got a people

and got a catch phrase. I would be huge right now. If I had done what I think the industry wanted me to do at the time, I could have made a lot of money. I didn't. I decided to be, go to New York and try to be as funny as I can and dig deep from the loser I am. And, but I do, when we were on FX

and they would fly you first class, yeah, there's nothing they would bring you and the hotel and then you go on set and that people would be like Mr. Kelly and You would just get all the stuff and people would give you things in such a great life. Dude, it is a fuck. I wish everybody I wish everybody could be famous for a little bit like two months that part of it. Yeah that part of just the You know, I'm such a piece of shit, dude. I've been trying to be accepted my whole life.

This is what yeah, this is what I do. I do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And the instant gratification 30 seconds. And now you accept me because I have my name is number three on the call. Oh, you're number three. Whatever.

I don't know. I think we were now for better. Oh, I love I would love to be. I saw number one. Oh, imagine being number one. one on the call sheet, dude I was number one once and it never made it. I mean it's a it is a it but it's also like if you know nothing beyond that I mean how are you ever normal person? Oh those people are fucking aqua man. They're lunatic. Oh my god Aquaman is a fucking lunatic Johnny Depp is just

Fucking you know, I feel bad for them because they don't understand Eddie Murphy wears a new pair of underwear every day It's so awesome dude. He doesn't really in his trailer is a new underwear to like his throwaway clothes like his underwear There's a throwaways He throws them I would do that takes office underwear I would do that sock. I should do that. Yeah office on the way. I would do that, sock. I should do that. Yeah. Because of my farts and the way my balls held.

Yeah dude, that should be. Well, that should be. That should be. That's enough. I should be doing that. My fucking dig stinks. I, if I was cheating on my wife, I would have to say, give me a second,

I gotta go take a shower and wash. I wanna wash my penis for you. Cause it smells like a pond. I, I, I, just hot murky. But dude, I love, I mean, really, man. Dude, that's famous. Yeah, and so. That type of shit, when people, and people treat you,

I mean, look, I've been looking for that all the time. My whole life, I've been looking for people to accept me and treat me good. You know what I mean? I've been treated like shit a lot and then to go on a show and I was like, hi, Mr. Kelly, how are you? I was like, hey, yeah, sure. Do you want?

Yeah, look, we got this for you and this is you. And what you like to, I mean, dude, all that shit was so. You have a, awesome. Portion of your fan base that you like, I don't know how to say this. Don't really appreciate that much. What do you mean? You know what I'm saying?

No. I think there's like, I think most famous people, or I have a certain sect of their fan base that they're like, they'd rather not be around. I think like, and I think it's mostly for me, it's like the real football bros who like set my line up for me. I imagine for Rogan, it's like the UFC dudes who are just like, fucking all, you know, crazy and they want like,

there's a certain action of it. And I, that's what I use cameo for. It's like, you know, like, you want like me to set your line up, there's no problem dude. Just camp right over there, that's where you go. Right, you know, like, you want me to set your line up, there's no problem, dude. Just can't right over there. That's where you go. Right. You know, it's 50. Yeah. And now you're from 125. What? Yeah, bro. That's when you know you're more famous than me. You still have the football. The football. Dwindled down to 50. And they keep emailing me going, do you want to cut it in half? I was pissed when OJ came on on, on, on,

why? Amio or Twitter Twitter because I was like, he's gonna cut into my money. They were talking about putting him on Camio because fantasy football money, it's rap a port and I'm up there. Oh really? Yeah, because it's like people want me to set their lineups and talk trash

because of the phone. I want to talk about this fantasy football thing. The other thing about famed too is that I hate, you know, people are famous people tend to treat other people like shit, but you know what I mean? Which is, yes. Fucking that bothers me that I hate, you know, people are famous people tend to treat other people like shit. But yeah, you know what I mean, which is, yes, fucking that bothers me. I hate that attitude. That's ladder climbing and we can't talk.

Stir the fucking honey next time. Okay. She didn't say it. She didn't say it. She didn't say it. She didn't say it. She didn't say it. I just got all honey.

It was tea with no honey and now it's all fucking honey. I don't fucking, I don't drink. If I wanted just honey, I'd say get honey. What you saying? I'm sorry, Bobby, you gotta go through that. That's right, man. All honey, dude, and you just, you want to tee and honey. It's like nobody fucking listens.

Nobody listens. And push the button on the shop. We started already. I don't know how long we're doing. Anyways, I don't like people who treat people like, we need them like, yeah. I don't like people who treat people like yeah, we need them like yeah normal very famous fucking fame Yeah fucking clock soccer. I think I'll I'll never have it again Dude you gave up

Ren is easy. It's over. You know, don't stop the universe. Stop it it say it in the universe the walls of lack and delay now crumble away I now fulfill my destiny Bobby say it Bobby listen to me the walls of lack and delay unless now crumble away I'll I now fill unless Mark II-plus or Nick Crowmeck a show where they want to put me on it my career on the film and television side is over The writing is on the wall Bobby dude the writing you're painting it you're doing it look dude. I'm a realist Me Dorosa I'm not dude me to Rosa. Oh My God come on brother. Listen to me. I'm gonna be fine

Listen you but if you know it's you had I had my moment and that oh my God Rana's a's a your fucking your moment. Oh my God You don't have friends. No, I have plenty of friends. Dude, you can't, here, okay, okay. Okay, you ready? Here we go. It may not be, did you listen? No, I understood. Dude, you hear my tiny house theory?

I understand, yes, I know. I didn't have the money to do it, but I had the money to do it. I didn't have the money to do it, but I had the money to do it. I didn't have the money the way I wanted it, being famous and rich. I had the money from taking us of mortgage out on my house, whatever the equity loan out. And I had the money.

I just, I wanted to make millions on fucking blah, blah, blah, and buy it outright. I couldn't, I had the money, I still owe money, I owe a ton of money to the fucking contractor. So I had to do it this way, but it was there. Yes, and what I'm saying is I'm not saying it in a way of like it's over, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm saying like I no longer look for happiness

in that part of me, because I don't think it's going to happen anymore. I find happiness in other areas of my life now. Okay, like what? Like my family, I really like, yeah, I truly enjoy hanging out with them and doing shit with them. And you know, you know how it is being on set?

Like 12, 14 hours a day. I love it. I love it. I would love to do it again. I love the guest star for like, you know, I would do it. I want, I'm going to get it on the show. I want another, I want a cop show. Yeah.

I want to be a cop. I want to be the lieutenant. I just want to be looking up. You know, my desk, make sure you go pick him up. What? Yeah. I told you to knock it off, put your badge in your gun and go suspended three days. Anyways, Murphy, get in here.

Look at that. Look at that, that was great. And that's two days a week work. Two days a week a work. Two days a week, but I walk in with a quote. Yup, you walk in with it again. And you're f-. But that's dude.

The quote. I mean, dude, I want to work again. I want to, I love fucking being on a set. Me too. I love having my trail. You know what it is though? I don't know how you, I grew up like blue collar. Like I watch people go to work.

Yeah, I see. So like nobody understands that I, like what I do. Like my friends think it's fucking, but they're like, what do you, you don't know, do anything? They think I have a gonna only fans page. Like they don't know how, like money, like how I make money at all. Like they understand telling jokes and stuff like that., but like I miss going to a set that that's what I want like I want to go to like a

job and go know who the fucking I know the grips. I know the fucking the catering guy Yeah, the thing about those are people I become friends with more than anybody else. I miss that the grips Yeah, yeah, bring their balls Holy shit. You see what fucking fills wearing in there? I don't mind. I'm the same way, dude. I was the mayor of the set.

Yes. I had, they called it, what was it, cafe bobby or something. I had a Nespresso machine and when people were having a hard time, they would come to me and make them a cappuccino. Yeah, that's amazing. And they would come up. Can I get a cappuccino? I just got yelled at for something. Yeah, it's a cappuccino.

I loved it. I loved the gossip. I loved going to the makeup trailer and listening to them, yeah, put up. Oh, yeah. There's really nothing. I mean, like, there's nothing better than being on a show.

And especially like, when you're on a show that you're proud of, yes, that's your... Fuck, proud of. I don't give a fuck. You don't think like you I mean it doesn't make a difference. It makes a difference to me to go like at least I was proud of it and I what show what show I don't that's some L.A. shit you're saying. What that's some actor shit. You picked up. I mean what show would you not be proud of? I mean what what we much tell me what

show you wouldn't be proud of. There's some bad shows out there. Tell me what okay Yeah, but if you What show would you not be proud of? I don't know. I'm trying to think of one right now that I'm like I'm there's not one dude There is one that show tell me the show on TV you wouldn't be proud of Oh, I got I'm not gonna listen to this there's a I got I'm not gonna listen to this there's a That Tim Allen show. Do you ever watch it beyond I'd be very proud Servative good bro. I watched like a couple out of the episodes. I mean, it's like I don't know how you can go around and be like I would be scared to be on it because I don't know how to do that type of sitcom shit

I know how to do one camera stuff. I know act. Yeah, oh yeah me too I like to do one camera stuff. I know to act. I don't have, yeah, me too. I like to do that. Like that whole bring it out in front of a live studio. Yeah, that was scared. Like I'm doing a play. And front of material that you know is not, you know, it's like, I have to learn how to do it. Yeah, I'm like a play.

I remember when I did four dogs in a bone in Boston at the BCA. Being a comic, I'm always trying to get the laugh. So even with people, I had to learn how to be him funny. How I had to learn his funny. Yes. Without doing my funny. Without you guys. I tried to do my funny first.

I had to get his laughs first and then add me to it. Well, they probably saw that you were funny and they go, well, he'll learn how to be this guy funny. You can't teach anyone how to be funny. Well, they brought that that but my guy yelled at in between literally scenes. The director grabbed me by the lapel and went, stop stepping on fucking people's laughs. Yeah. Like during the play, shook me up. Shouldn't have done that. Yeah.

I was like, I wanted to hit him. Yeah. I was gonna punch him. Yeah. I was gonna fucking just punch him and walk out But you know what I'm talking about. It's like you it's it's it's it's name it's like hey I'm a huge fan of the show name a show that you wouldn't be on right now I'm looking at oh You can't I'm thinking this It's just ghosts on CBS about fucking people that see ghosts and they detectives dude. Yeah, be on it. I'll be on it I'd love to be on that show and be like the apparition showed up at 345 and

On the camera we caught this one thing check this out. Tell me what you see Bobby. What I'll fucking do it But your fan base that watches this and you're not watching that. So it's like, you're not gaining fans. You're just gaining money. I'll keep the same amount of fans. And then I'll gain those fans. They'll see me at Comic Con, signing Ghost Posters. Dude, I love- I love-

I love- I love my mom watches those shows. Yeah, I love your mom. I'd love to have your mom come up to me and be like, big fan, you know, we do a show together. Your mom wants an autograph for me, because she loves me. I know, but she loves me on ghosts.

Jesus Christ, dude. I just, I'm happy that it was something, but again, I know what you're saying. I loved that. It was, it was Larry and Apostle and all those guys and John Corbett and all the people that were on it was great. Absolutely. I love that I was, Louie.

I mean, dude, I was the best the best acting I've ever done with. I know, but what I'm saying is when you read that stuff, you get that material and then you get some of this other stuff, you're like, I mean, it doesn't make you go fuck. I don't wanna do this. Dude, I was gonna be on a show called The Drennel and Run from the creator of A Team and Hunter, on a channel that had a hit show called 18 Wheels of Justice.

I don't give a fuck. Do you understand me? Let me tell you how I knew. I auditioned for 18 Wheels of Justice. And I was almost got it and I was very psyched. One of the last things, well not one of the last things, but one of the last things I remember going out, reading for was they were doing fucking Magna P.I.

Again, they were in the reboot, right? So they were like, we'd like you to come in and read. The CBS wants you to come in and read. I go, for real, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm a huge Mag P.I. fan. I love to read from Magna. I love Magna. You're not reading from Magna, you fucking live.

Why? You're reading for fucking Rick, the best friend, you know, the side. Yes. I go, perfect. Perfect. I get my Hawaiian shirt on. Yeah, you'd be great. Yuck it up, dude kill it right high-fiving

We're testing on Monday. Yeah, my manager calls me no problem blah blah blah. Don't worry about it They're gonna talk about testing on Monday. We'll start for him and then over the weekend like one person just goes One one person goes. Oh, are we really gonna have the guy the the 9-11 guy play a former Navy SEAL? And then all of a sudden, just know whatever calls, no one, and you don't ever hear anything about it ever again. This business sucks. So I'm not saying that, but what I'm saying is like, that's what I'm now going against, so it's like, I understand that. But it's the reason why I have lost a lot of faith in that a part of me. Yes. I know But that's here's the thing with that shit even though that's to my point was like I would have done that like that

That's like the like the probably the line of like yeah, I would have I would have gone a while But that that's what that's the type of shit you're done with even though it's not my that's the shit Yeah, you're not you're not down. You'll be on it. You'd love to be on a show. Yes. But it's like, I don't wanna deal with that shit. I don't wanna walk all the way to, and with the horse and the carriage, and set everything up just to be told, like, yeah,

this is a good thing. You don't wanna fucking do it, get there, and have some lady come up and say some shit about some bullshit that you've already dealt with. It's done and over. Yes. You said, you said what you had to say, that's what sucks about. I feel like the thing that sucks about this

fucking social media, the internet, is that nothing can go way anymore. No, nothing goes away. And it bothers me. Like, they still- It's the way, but it can, it's always there. But they're still, and someone can always find it when they want to. Yes, they're still bringing up a Louis shit. I'm sure. It's like, are you guys fucking,

are you gonna be done with it? Like, there is nothing. And bring up shit when I was, I robbed people when I was 13. Yeah. What the fuck? Imagine if they they if I had a still Here's the problem is that oh you you're a success story. Mm-hmm. I Was a criminal. I hurt people. I physically hurt people. I did bad shit to people

I got drunk and me and my friends I did bad shit to people. I got drunk and me and my friends re-tower on fucking neighborhoods and we robbed, installed, and fucking hurt people. And that's what we did. And I went to jail for it of three times. But they forgave me. I went and I fucking did my thing and I said,

I know what the fuck was, and here you go. And we move the fuck on. There's no sentences in the court of public opinion. It's unfuckable. I hate them. Yeah, but going back, like I miss going to set and I hopefully will have to have the opportunity to do it again. It's just going to take a special circumstance. I'm going to, I'm going to get you on a set.

I appreciate it. Let's do a pop show together. You're going to play my, you know, yeah, you're gonna play my My partner. I mean I've done stuff in the last couple of years Arey will be the yes arey. We're I'm the partner that I got I got a year left and I'm out You know are you and I sold a show to fx to win this is like when I would be it was on the league fuck Yeah, what was it? It was called recovered. It was pretty good. It was about two drug addicts Who that's good you guys are both still drug addicts. That's good. The day we're going great. One of you guys on the off season. We're trying

to stay sober and half the show and we're drunk and doing drugs and the other half of the show. But yeah, now we was great. I love the effect. But I love, I guess I'd like to go on a set. I like doing that, I enjoy going to work. Yeah. I feel like I have a purpose then. Because yeah, you're a fucking blue collar. But, you know, whatever, it's like, you know, that's not my choice anymore. Well, it's not your choice, but it is.

I think it is. It's like, you sold a show once, you could sell another show. Sure. You know, you just got to find that thing. Yeah. You know, it's like Patrice used to say, this, people think that this is a roller course that you go up and you never come down And it's not that case you go away the fuck up and you come everybody goes down

Everybody goes Jason Mamoah is getting a divorce. Yeah, the happiest hippiest. Oh my god little family in the world The guy fucked the chick from aqua woman who fucked Johnny De dep to court. We're all come the fuck down for this shit. You know, it's like you can get back on the ride quicker sometimes. Yeah, sometimes it helps. But you know, you get an easy pass. Yeah, I haven't helped myself in the last couple of years, but you know, what do you mean?

I don't know. It's like, you know, I could be doing more self promotion and stuff like that, but. Yeah. How old are your kids? My kids are in 12. Well, just turned 13 and nine. So, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's nine.

I'm working in nine. You, dude, I'm fucking exhausted. People don't get this. This business is a young man's game. Yeah. And then you throw a kid in there. You throw a fucking, I don't know. I drove my kids to school this morning, seven, third in the morning. Yeah, and then you throw a kid in there. You threw a fucking I drove my kids to school this morning Seven during the morning. Yeah, dude. I fucking woke up my kid woke me up at seven dad. Yeah, so buddy

You don't understand I woke up before in the morning fearing my life and your life I had to pray to God for a half hour and meditate so that the fear of fucking Everything crumbling down and me getting canceled and then I just went to bed at six and you're going dad at seven because you Don't give a fuck yeah, I gotta push that aside go what's that right? Let's go out breakfast Pick him up from school. Yeah fuck man. I know. It's it's look man. We're not It's funny too, we're not, it's funny too,

because we're not, if, famous people bug me, rich famous people bug me, it's hard being a parent. You're not. You're not, you're not doing it. You're not, fucking, when Zippy from Haiti is doing whatever it is. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, one, you know, who the fuck, you have? I'm in the pickup line, I stand outside the school talking to the other parents, learning about who these fucking animals are that my kids are going to school with. Go the upper west side in the park and watch how he's like, Hey, shenanis are walking around the crystal white babies. Oh, but everybody, you know, claims to, they all want to raise the next fucking per person.

I got a night nurse suck my dick. Me and my wife were waking up in the middle of the night to heat up a bottle and this thing. So the baby, and then we had a, well, we found out it was allergic to all the formula to get the right formula than the gas. Every in the morning when you make your best decisions. Oh fuck yourself.

Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a weird business man. But you never know, dude, you know, I'm glad you like acting too. I mean, Larry shits all over me about it. He's like, what do you wanna go back to that for? Cause it's not something he was ever interested in. But, to me, and he's a good actor. Yeah, he can do a good job, but he's a good sketch actor.

Oh, geez, that was, that was, and he like, we took acting class together, right? He's basically saying he stinks. I mean, I wouldn't like cast him in a, you know, like a real dramatic role. Oh, really? My losing. I think you get him for like, if you need like 15 seconds of rage and like,

but like over the course of a whole movie, you're going to see it, you're going to see him losing it. So you're going to see, there's going to be a scene. You're going to be like, what the fuck was this guy thinking of the middle of this? An accent will change or something, but yeah, he doesn't give a, it's not like he doesn't, he works alone. He's like, what do you want to go? What do you want to be at?

He doesn't want bosses. So he thinks when you act, you have bosses. And you do, you've got directors and producers and fucking what networks, whatever, but you know, for the most part, everybody wants you to win. What I love about Ari, though, the one thing is that I've always, that he just, he does what he wants to do. Yeah. So if you're going by that code, you can't tell me what to do.

No, that's one reason. Because I do what I want to do. Yeah. And you would never work on a, like a television sitcom where you didn't get to make the hours and stuff like that. I would fucking do that in a second. I would love to be back on TV. That's why I love New York because in New York, you know, there's a lot of shooting on the streets. Yeah. I've never really shot in New York. Oh, two, two. I got it.

New York's the best. I did the lawn orders and I did the two two with CBS. I mean, it's just great. I mean, you're on location, on the street, you shoot. You gotta be quick, because you only have the spot for a little bit. Yep. And then they have some spot for a little bit. Yep. And then they have some studio shit out in Queens.

So I loved it. I loved waking up. I would go to the set way early. Me too. I would go early and go in my dressing room, take a nap, get some food. Yes. Fucking smoke a bat and get ready. I wouldn't have to be on set till fucking 12.

I'd be there at six in the morning. It's, I mean, it really is a nice sort of, they take care of you, the comfort level, they make sure you're in a good spot. You're mad, this and everything you have, everything you need. Did you have any controversy on the league? What do you mean controversy?

Like on our show. Okay, like, I mean amongst ourselves. I remember we had a, I had to learn how to play the drums, right? And they were having band rehearsals because John Corbett could play the guitar. Larry could sing the songs,

actually sang the songs. And I was learning the drums. So I got a drum teacher, I got all the shit and I had to go meet them in Brooklyn at rush hour for a rehearsal. And I showed up and they rehearsed without me and were leaving.

And I showed up and I'm going, I'm like, where you going? Yeah, it was a John Corbett who's, you know, fucking sex in the city might be the fact, I love him and Johnny Ailes, these two actors. They've been in a lot of shit. And they were like, yeah, we're leaving. They kind of blew me off.

And I'm from Boston. I'm not a, I love acting. Yeah. But I'm Bob Kelly first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got out of the car and fucking threw my drumsticks at him. I was like, you fucking cock suckers. I just spent two hours in traffic trying to get to Brooklyn.

I could have been home with my fucking son and wife, and I'm fucking bustin' my balls, and they were like, whoa. Really? Yeah. Sorry, man. Miguel, you should be fucking sorry. I snapped on them again, too.

He said something, they were talking during my scene. I can hear them in the back giggling, and I went in the back, I go, shut the fuck up. I go I'm trying to do this fucking scene. I can't get the word right. I'm getting yelled at by Dennis and you cock suckers of whispering giggling back here like some school girls. No, we never know. We never had any of that stuff because we know because we improvised the show so we never knew what anyone else was going to say which was fun. But also like we shot so quickly and so much. Yeah. That really like we were just like we never knew what anyone else was gonna say, which was fun, but also like we shot so quickly

and so much that really like we were just like, we never had time to get on each other's fucking nerves. Really? Never any fights? No, never, not good. No, I mean, who was the guy who created it? There's a couple, a married couple, Jackie Schaefer and Jeff Schaefer, Jeff Schaefer was one of the,

he graduated Harvard, got a job writing with his partner Dave Mandel on on Seinfeld. Yeah. And then I think when Larry left the show, they sort of kind of took a more leadership role in the writing room. Right. And as soon as they left there, they went over to curb and started curb with Larry. Oh no shit.

Yeah. So that's how, you know, and then after like year seven or eight, he was him and his wife came up with this idea. They sold that show. Yeah. Bingo. And you know, that's how it you know, and then after like year seven or eight, he was him and his wife came up with this idea. They sold that show, being old and, you know, that's how it kind of worked for us. But yeah, we never really had, I think it's because the six of us came in at the same level. You know, like we were all sort of like, we all got, we knew we all got paid the same amount of money. Did that change or just stayed that way?

Never stayed the same the entire time. So we all got we always were There was never any like I wonder what he's making I wonder what they're doing or whatever it was like we all very upfront with each other Yeah, and so I mean the only like I worked Probably most hours on the show because I was in like you know every pretty every scene Yeah, and so you know There's a like I would build a present when I like

Nick would have like four days off in a row and I'm like why? No, it's because his character wasn't in no scenes. We were shooting other shit. I watched the show, dude I'll give me honestly I did not watch every season. Oh, I watched it. I didn't do the same thing But I don't do that like I do I watched the wire six years after was on mm-hmm I just watched breaking bad during COVID. Really? I never saw an episode. Billy, Derozo, all these people were in a never watch it. I think I want to start watching Always Sunny and the League. Well, I mean, Always Sunny's, it's 15 years and they're still fucking very, very, very funny. I remember they were, when we got there, they were like kind of like

the year six or seven. Yeah. And some of our premier season one and two, we would do them together. ours would be funnier, our episode would be funnier than them, getting much bigger laughs. And you can see they were like, oh shit. And then they just fucking turned it on. Like they were like, we'll show you. And they just got better and better and better

and better and better every year. I remember a lot of fucking always sonnies. Dude, I was at their upfronts at that hotel and they were walking down with Danny. Yeah. And I'm like second year on the show. So I'm like, hey, what's going on? And they were just like, yeah, whatever.

Yeah. Because nobody knew about sex shrugs. Yeah, they, I, when we got there, they were like psyched that there was another half hour that they can pair it up with. But they weren't like overly friendly because then they told us they were like, most shows don't hang around. So it's like, you're gone after a year. Oh boy, that was, they told me that because dude,

I would, dude, that's great though. You got seven years. Yes, seven years. Seven fucking years. What a dream. Dream. Seven years. I do it again, dude.

If it was another good, funny show or what I would do. You do it again. It was a mediocre show. We've already established do it again. It was a video show. And he's a mediocre show. We've already established this. We're gonna write a mediocre show. He's like, we're not writing anything great. We're gonna write something.

I was gonna be, are he's gonna be it? And he stinks. Dude, and talk about cancel. We're gonna have some issues trying to get through fucking networks between me and arey. Yeah, you'll be fine though, dude. Fuck all that shit. Who cares? I really don't anymore. Yeah, you'll be fine though, dude. Fuck all that shit. Who cares?

I really don't anymore. Yeah, I know. It's a fucking rap, dude. Look at you getting fucking tweaky. All right, listen, I want to talk to you about something. This is fucking nuts. We're going to go into an extra half hour for Patreon, oh, we're going to promote you a little bit right now.

You got shows coming up? I got, yeah, was this coming out when? It's coming out to Sunday, right? owned. Yeah. We're going to promote you a little bit right now. You got shows coming up. I got, yeah, was this coming out when? It's coming out to Sunday, right? Yeah. Sunday. Sunday, right? Yeah, so I'm going Charlotte this weekend, but no, after that, Naples, Florida off the hook comedy club.

Oh, Captain Brian. Captain Brian. I haven't seen him in like five or six years, I think. He just texted me, hey, you want to work the club? Oh, really? Yeah, call my agent. I don't fucking do that. I'm not negotiating with you. Yeah, Mark Rosman does that to me sometimes from

Helium. Um, what are you? Uh, you've done the, the, the Naples club. I only did it with a Marco Island. I haven't done it a long time. Okay. I guess this room's bet way bad. I did. That's what I've heard. I did this room. It's still a fish restaurant. Yeah. Okay. But it's way better. Marco Island was tough room. Yeah. Um, this one's great. It's fine. Yeah. It's great. Good time. Um, okay. But it's way better. Markle Island was a tough room. Yeah. This one's great. It's fine. Yeah, it's great.

Good time. I haven't done it in years. I do, uh, mccurtis. Okay. And versonis. Have you done versonis? No. Versonis is great.

Really? Is it a weekend thing? Or is it a... Yeah, it's a fucking club right down there. Really? Yeah, you got, you got sidesputters, which I've been with for fucking ever. In Tampa. Tampa. Yeah, you go down to Sarasota to McCurdy's, which is less McCurdy's. It's fucking amazing. And then you go to Port Charlotte, which is Versailles, which is fucking awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Yeah. I mean, it all those clubs, I mean, you go for amazing clubs with, you know, off the hook. I'm, I mean, I moved back to Long Island this year and we, I was in LA for 20 years and I'm not, the cold is like, I was like, fuck, it's hit me harder than it ever has before. I'm like, shit, so I got to find some excuses. I'm going to book a lot of Florida shit. Yeah, dude, it's, I'm depressed. I have to keep it. Yeah, dude, I have to keep it. But here's the thing is when I'm honest about it, when I'm like, oh, I'm depressed. I have to keep it. Yeah, dude, I have to keep it. But here's the thing is when I'm honest about it, when I'm like, oh, I'm depressed today

because it's freezing out. I have been on stage doing an hour and a month because I was on vacation in Aruba, and I feel worthless. I literally was in bed the other night going, I forgot how to be funny. I forgot how to write a joke. And then I just was like, dude, you're depressed.

It's cold. It's fucking, you haven't got laid by a chicken a while because you had a fucking kid in the room, you know what I mean? Dude, you had one room for the hotel for a room. One room, you know. They went out one day and I jerked off real quick, but I felt like a pervert. I got into an argument with my wife one time because I grabbed her her into the like we she was in the bathroom and I grabbed her

He goes, what are you doing? I go this is where we have to do it I go they're out there she goes you can you can't you can't just be like that I go What are you going to do? I'm like I'm spending fucking three hundred hours a night for a room. I can't fucking this is what this is Crazy to me try this is nuts. It's a fucked up time of life for us because we chose to have kids later. Yeah. We chose to work our asses off. Fuck comedy. Yeah. And show business was our fucking in high school college now. And they're enjoying their lives. They're fucking away. Yeah. Yeah. I know that. Yep.

We, we, I was in a hotel room with him. I was on the pull-out sofa, dude. What? Dude. He wanted to sleep with his mom. He slept in the bed. We all fell asleep in the bed, but I couldn't, he's, he's, my kid's gonna be big.

Maximus is a big kid. He's rolling over, kicking me. I went to the, I was on the bed. No, I couldn't get anything. Couldn't do anything. Now that he's home, he has to go away for the night. And when he goes away for the night,

comedian, my wife gets tired and goes to bed. I mean, I would have to sexually assault my wife to get laid right now. I would have to hold down and hold her mouth and go, shut the fuck up. I know, I mean, look, to get laid right now. I would have to hold down and hold her mouth and go, shut the fuck up. I know, I mean, I look, I can say that, I've never gone through with it, but you think about it sometimes.

What, you drive me nuts here, this is crazy. Oh, dude, yeah, I mean, I'm fucking nuts right now. I cranked one out today when he went to LaCrosse, and I felt like it's the piece of shit. And then she texted me during it. I saw the text come up. I'm like, yeah, I had to clean up real quick. Yeah, move that out of the way.

I was a fucking nightmare. Oh my god. Yeah, that's terrible, dude. It's a, I love it. But I feel like we should be able to go get jerked off. Absolutely, milked. I feel like we should be able to go. Like, I'm gonna go to this place.

It's safe. I'm gonna get jerked off. Maybe a pinky in the butt. That's it. She's gonna wash me on a table shower. She's gonna crank one out and that's it. I honestly think my wife would be fine with it. If I kind of laid it out to her like that.

Yeah, but here's the only part with me. If I feel like if I tell my wife that and she goes, yeah, go ahead, do it. And then I'm gonna come home. She's just gonna be fucking three inches of her tongue's gonna be in some chicks vagina, some middle-aged teacher. What a max is math teachers. And I'm gonna be like, what, you get jerked off.

Yeah, I don't want to be quit. This is just for me. Can I have something for me, please? Oh, fuck. And I read all my wife's books. It's all about attacking and cops and vampires and werewolves and just being choked and bitten and lick. All my wife listens to is like murder,

people murder podcasts and- Oh my wife, all her shit is Roman snobbles. But dude, I'll be honest with you. Yeah. I wouldn't want to fuck me. I'll be, I'm being very, I'm now at the point where I, I'm drooling at night. I snoring.

The snoring is not even a thing. The snoring is so bad, it's taking a... I got the zepa thing so that holds the tongue down. But then when I roll over, I'm like, Labrador dude, it's the fucking... It's everywhere. I got rings on the pillow. She wakes up, I have to rip my pillowcases off and shove them under the bed. She goes, what happened to your pillowcase?

I go, I cut my finger, I got blood on it. Meanwhile, it's just a fucking mass, dude. I got dandruff. It's like I am falling apart. And I'm like, I could, I look at myself. I go, I could never fuck me. And I know why she never really won. Dude, my wife came into the shower and I,

I turned into the corner. I was a barrist. I tried to fluff, cause she came into the corner. I was embarrassed. I tried to fluff, because she came into the shower. I came out of the shower, and my kid walked in, I was naked, and he goes, Dad, you mean you have the same people?

Oh, jeez. I was like, God damn it. I got a growing out of shower. Fuck. I was trying to get a heart on in front of my kid, just to prove that I'm the man who's fucking bigger than you. I'll show you a little cocksucker

Anyways, I All right, so make sure you check out. What's the website? What for my pot Steve rent is easy calm. Yeah, Steve rent is easy That's where all tickets are and everything like that for all I'm gonna Denver at the end of March So comedy works how many works chick love that fucking hates me really worked there once a year I love the club and then she's just, and fucking Ari, Kaksaka Shafir, I said, find out why. And he never would get back to me. Three years in a row, he never got back to me. Really, I'll find out, I'm going there.

We're going, but we can do back-to-back weekends. Him and I have done this for like 12 years. We've been skiing in between. I don't know, something happened, and she fucking said, from Bob Kelly. Really? I like her too, but something happened. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, something happened and she fucking said from Bob Kelly. Really? I like her too, but something happened.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. That sucks because I love that place. I love that place too, but it is a weird thing though. They have like 18 comics go up in front of you. They do where? It's got down town?

Yeah, downtown. I feel like it's two or three. Is it not? I don't know four. I'm used to, I was there one night there, like five people go up. They also like rotate. It's not the same people every night. No, it's different people every night. And you know, one dude who was like, dude, I came down from the mountains. It's our bobcat today.

It's like, you're a comic. Now you just throw and do that. Then they had that other room now, the bigger room. I've done that once or twice, but yeah, I love going to Denver. Yeah. I just made it about me. You were like, you're gonna be in Denver. Yeah, but what about me? Yeah, I love going to Denver. Yeah, I just made it about me. You're like, you know, I'm gonna be in Denver. I'm like, yeah, but what about me? Yeah, but honestly, I need to, yeah, play for myself. What a fucking dick move that was. I apologize. It's fine. It's such a rich, boss move. She never uses me. Tyler, I called her. I sent her an email. I guess this is a maybe. Maybe.

So make sure you check them out. We're going to go to overtime at patreon.com. That's Robert Kelly. We're going to be talking about this fucking crazy shit I saw. I mean, we're done. They're fucking slowly. They're doing some fucking German shit. Nazi. What do you talk about?

Dude, I'm telling you, the movies you watch now, they're going back in and editing and making it the way they think it should be. They're like taking out stuff, the re editing scene, re editing shit, cutting scenes, cutting ratio, whatever they think is right. Dude, we'll talk about it. All right. At patreon.com, sass robber Kelly, make sure you go check out Steve when he's going to be at off the Hacomedy Club in Florida. I got a lot of fans out there from Florida

So make sure you go check that out and also make sure you check out Go to my dates robbercat alive calm. I'm at Pekipsi on a couple weeks I'm all over the fucking place. I think Nikki would pull my shit up But I guess not Nikki. Where am I gonna be at? I'll get it one second. Thanks. That's good. That's good. We lost the Wi-Fi. I know it's not her fault, but you know, you can make it their fault, make a panic. I think what you get's blotchy. I'm always blotchy. I have rosacea. I have rosacea.

I'm gonna undo this bell buckle. It's literally in my style. Oh my god. I see it, dude. You see it? Mark on you. Oh my God, I see it dude. Did you see it? They're in a mark on you. That fuck I got. We went to, I was doing so good, Steve. That's my problem. I was doing so good 20 weeks without a car or a sugar.

What do you what? I lost 36 pounds and then I went to a rubah and the drug addict, this scumbag in me, the alcoholic, the lonely child, that little fucking asshole that just wants to be on a show and be liked by a PA. He got piggy. Dude, I fucking just ate. Dude, I was eating chocolate, Dutch chocolate by the fucking bar.

Fuck. I mean, dude, I was stuffing my face, and my wife. She just let me. You know, she had no, she was like, she didn't even say, I remember one night she was like, maybe you should start. I go, I'm on vacation. She's like, all right, whatever. Fuck, I'm not fucking. So it doesn't. Oh, yeah, no, I, I've, I've gained like, I'm up to 200. I'm there. I'm in 200 pounds. That's my go away so can you please shut your fucking

Insanely fucking in shape face dude. It's bad. I from like the 20th to the 30th of 31st of December I ate nothing but pasta dude. I like breakfast I love it dude. I this is what a fat fuck I am I would lunch like weeny My wife got quarantined. My wife and kid. We're leaving. In a rubah? They got quarantined in a rubah the last couple days, right? I'm with them at the quarantine place, right?

Yeah. I just said, I asked the lady, can I just please, she goes, yeah, just come, whatever. So I go, I'm in and I dropped some stuff off and I left them and I went and got, I wanted this pizza place I found. I found a pizza place. In a rubah? In a rubah that made, dude, I know.

What? I know. I found it. I found it. I'm sure you give me. I trust you. The little pepperonis. Okay, the little guy.

The little ones that curl up like the pepperonis. Okay, little guys little ones that curl up Little cup Oh The cops Yeah, oh little fucking little canisters a joy that's so separate you ever take a little chubby shots Dip it into that little yeah, oh the chubby shots I can't believe you found the fucking curly pepperoni found it. Place in a rubah. I'm so excited. I go there as I'm waiting

for the pizza. You know, it was across a dumpling place. I ordered four orders of dumplings, vegetable, pork, chicken, and then fried. And I stuffed my fat face. This is what a piece is. This is what an addict I am. I learned that from you though, bang, bang. So I learned how to do that. Oh, fuck it, dude. That bang bang. Dude, I've done that many times.

I've done that many times. It was bad brother. So I'm just, I gotta get back on it. I gotta get back, I'm back on it now. But like last night I'm starving. And I went home and I had weathens and fucking chicken salad. I know, I, I, a good dinner tonight. so I'm like, I have to attempt not to get anything on the way home.

I gotta eat tonight, but I'm gonna eat fucking chicken. I'm gonna have just chicken. Okay. Whatever. Stick around. It's not over yet. This episode of YKWD is continuing now exclusively on Patreon.com slash rubber Kelly See you there

Babe I'll be home and like Angry somebody read these names Brothers Scott Reggie Peterson Bowie Benson Craig Brian just screwed a German kid from the island tucking it back and Brett Amos. That was long. This is very worthy. Oliver Nick Guarducci.

Jennifer Bottoms. I'll be right out. Tim. Tim, keep going. Amanda Burgan. And Madison. Max. Jeff and Huffer. Yeah, Duton Huffer.

Duton Huffer. I can say that because I'm wearing the sweater. That sounds so good. You do look like a kid. Max Duton Huffer. Seek one. Michael Loughkin throw away. Mick Deluca. Go. Nick Deluca Justin Michael Palermo. Justin Marlar. Davey Morrison. Matt, yeah, Jim, the name of my new husband.

Jim Ostermolar, Ostermule, Mule, Fagballs, Fagballs, Victoria, Fagballs, Rosemud Fagballs, Rosemud Fagballs,

Rosemud Windprap, Maya Angelou, bag balls. Rosebud bag balls. Rosebud bag balls. Rosebud wind. My angel. What? Benjamin Jones. All right. Well, this sweater is blinding. It really does make me more ribbon candy. I want to thank all the Patreon and people. Thank you so much for being a member of all the people that joined this last month. Thanks for being new members. I hope you like it. Well, I hope you like this episode. And what else are going

to say? Oh, make sure you go to Robert Kelly live.com. I'm touring. I'm filming my special in March in Tampa. In Tampa. I think it's March or April. I'm filming it in Tampa. I'm filming my special in March in Tampa. In Tampa. I think it's March or April. I'm filming it in Tampa. I'm very excited about it.

So as soon as I find out where, hopefully the next week, I will put the tickets on sale and we'll sell it to fuck out. And then, and I'm very excited about who's, who's producing it and shooting it and directing it. It was going to be great. I'll, I'll make that announcement too soon. Anyways, it's gonna be awesome. And go to comicwearables.com,

20% off of use code word ladybugs for your YKWD gear. Go to laughbutton.com, we get all the new fucking podcasts. Talk cleverly. We got, here's a scenario with the three. Exactly. What else do I have to say? Nikki, that's it. You guys, thanks for coming up.

Thank you. This was a pleasure. Great having you on, man. And I hope you guys enjoyed it. We'll see you next week. You know what, dude? You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. you