Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Steve Rogers, Colum Tyrrell | Misty Gooey

Episode Date: April 24, 2022

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You're ruining this! Break the bar, damn it! I'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original.

Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. You know what, dude? What's up, fucking, dudes, and doodats. And dood, little dudes, and big dudes, and fat dudes, and skinny dudes.

Why I haven't capitalized on the word fucking dude in the last 15 years is beyond me. It should be my thing. I should be the motherfucking dude. That's a bad shabby. Bob Kelly should have changed my motherfucking dude. That's a bad show. Bob Kelly should have changed my name to dude. Anyways, I didn't. I'm always behind the gun. If I'm there, you know the merch is dead,

the swag's gone, and the festival's almost fucking canceled. But I got a great show for you today. I can't wait to get into it. I wanna thank the Patreon people, patreon.com, slash Robert Kelly. At the end of the show, we cut this off and we go over there and we ask a bunch of questions to the guests and we do around 15, 20, half hours,

six hours more on Patreon. So go Patreon.com.sas. Robert Kelly and become a supporter of mine, you son of a bitch. If you're watching this for free on YouTube, God bless, you fucking nickel jason. But subscribe, like comment, make sure you subscribe. And also, I got a TikTok.

Fuck it, what? We're gonna guess how many fucking likes I got on the videos I put up very shortly. And then anyways, when I was going to comicwearubbles.com, I got all my merch up there. I got these badass new hats. Every fucking one comes with a sticker that way. And Sherat's hoodies, all kinds of shit.

ComicWearables.com, code word, fucking ladybug. And you get 20% off of everything. What else? Anything? Nope, the mush is back. So I'm counting on some electrical failure, some drippage from the ceiling, or something to happen.

We've been flawless, but the mush is back. God bless them. Good to see Mushy over there. He might join us and the Patreon. He might come on a little bit. If one of you guys are lacking, I might bring a guy called Mush on the show to spice things up. We got New Nikki over there controlling everything

and Nikki wants you to introduce the show. And it's not because I don't you know your names. That does happen, but I do know both of these guys very well. One better than the other. I'll let you fight that out like in the movie Batman when they broke the stick. Anyways, Nikki introduced the show. We have column-tural.

Mm-hmm. Whoop whoop. And we have Stephen Rogers. Hello. We know the one who's going to be funny. We really got down out of the gate columns and fucking throw in some laps in. And fucking Steve Rogers acting like Captain America.

I'm trying to get better at fucking. You know. Matt, you're good. You don't need to do shit. You just be you. Well, I'm like shit. Stop, stop trying. And just, first of all, I don't think any of that shit, man.

You can try. Yeah, I'm feeling that like if you, some people, people stick to, dude, I got fucking, you know, Dane, Sufi, there's certain things that people do. I never said Chris Rock sell a t-shirt. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Collin Quinn has never had a hat. That's sold. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. But, you know, I'll buy anything Andro Shultz puts out. Shultz? Yeah.

I mean, certain people have that ability to sell in the fan base that buys. I don't know. I have a fan base, but my fan base is like fr buys. I don't know, I have a fan base, but my fan base is like frugal. I'm like that too, I was like don't buy this shit. I mean, I like when they buy my hats and shit because when they come to the show, I know it's great.

It's support and it's fucking awesome. I love that shit, but. I hit the negotiation. I'm always like just take it, I feel bad. That's why I do the donation thing. Like give whatever you want. That way I don't have to pick the price and then if they want to talk, they'll talk.

I do. I'd be like it's a donation, but then when you see them give a dollar, you're like, get the fuck. It's not that donation. Yeah, you're admissible fuck. Yeah, I can't do the, like a $20 donation. Yeah, it's a $20 that you should write that.

That's the $20 donation. He just figured's a $20 debt. You should write that. That's the $20 donation. He just figured it out. Give me a dollar for every. I was just at the thing and this was such a good, I come from such a shit background. I'm so low self esteem. Irish Catholic family from Boston.

Oh, it was my birthday. Oh, well, he had just taken a hat. I haven't seen you. I just recovered from, oh, you gonna, I gave away five hats this weekend. Yeah. I've been a fan for three months. Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah, take a hat. I almost text you today, ask her for a shirt. You can have a shirt. What do you want? So I need to, I like wearing my friends merch. I can't wear another people's stuff. Cause for the whole world, I don't want to buy a shirt. Go to the website, time when you want,

we'll have a ship to you. Oh yeah, that would come to you. Well, I figured you'd just have something like now. I gotta get him one I gotta earn it. I'm not really fucking done that off there. Yeah, it's gonna text me that he doesn't have my number He's now I gotta get him fucking now. He has money can afford it. Yeah, whatever you want. I'll get you whatever you want What's the most popular thing pop a king? That's well the most popular pop of pop a king is a thing but scroll down Michael I mean Nicole I've seen people were the white yeah the wear the YKWD hat is good.

That's a staple in New York comedy around the winter. The hat, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, my favorite is the scroll down, please. Might either my face, the hat, or the sister ping. I'd love your face, that'd be great. The face is, I love it. I love, I have Rich Voss's face. I love wearing that one.

I have Voss, Louis, I have Ari and Big J and Dan Soda. But I wear Voss's the most and I get food, I got sauce on it. So it looks like his cheeks are red. Like I keep getting food on it because I'm a fat fuck. So his face keeps changing color, it's disgusting. Yeah. But yeah, anything you want, let me know.

Off air, yeah, let me keep fucking cute. Whatever you want to. No, no, yeah. I get it. Not that jerk. That's pancake Sunday. Yeah, I saw. Yeah, that's me and my son, my wife.

I always try to make it home for Sunday. That's great. I do not like working Sundays. It takes a lot of money to get me to stay for Sunday. Yeah, yeah. And I just, here's a problem with me. I do not like working Sundays. It takes a lot of money to get me to stay for Sunday. Yeah. Yeah. And I just, here's a problem with me. I'm such a weak, spineless person.

I relate. I am, I don't have, I don't have gears. Like I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, you know, I slow it down and listen and think and then make a smart decision. And then go through past things. I just, you throw a number at me, okay. You know what I mean?

There's like a number. And I just got fucking hooked on a club. I didn't want to work. And I haven't worked. And I put my foot down. And then I got hooked for it. And now I'm going to it. And they got me on a Sunday.

No Thursday, Sunday. But then I'm like, I still have to come in Thursday for radio. You do? So I'm still go they got me they fucking got I keep pulling me back in. Oh dude, I'm what you doing Thursday night up there. I gotta go. I'm gonna go in I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do because you know what I wear it is But yeah, I can guess now. Can I guess? Go ahead. Let's begin with an M No, let's begin with an M? No. Is it beginning with an M?

No. What's M? Oh, it's the most recent thing you promoted. What was it? Mohican son. Oh, I love Mohican son. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Mohican son. Mohican. Mohican. It's the way they originally did try, but originally said, Mohican. But we changed it to Mohican because we couldn't pronounce it that way.

But I- You could pass as a chief. Yeah, I'm a chief. Oh, I'm a who can chief. Um, well, he gets times one of the best casinos ever. I mean, the rumours great, the comedy shows awesome. Yes. It's separate from everything.

And then you walk out to everything. There's food, there's a Frank Pepe's pizza. Oh. They got a chick filet. They got two different big casinos, live music everywhere. They got a cigar lounge, and the rooms, they get three towers, and the rooms, the one I stay in, I fucking love the rooms.

I love that casino. And the people running to fuck, a Swedish shit. That's the club I was stuck in that hotel right when we shut down. That was the last place I worked. fuck Swedish shit. That's the club I was stuck in that hotel right when we shut down. That was the last place I worked. Oh no shit. Yeah, I was in the hotel room and found out about Tom Hanks.

I was like, I think I'm gonna be stuck in this casino for like weeks. I was walking around just seeing old people. Which fun about Tom Hanks. Yeah, cause he was like the first big person I think. Oh, I heard he touches kids. That's what I heard. Oh, I knew about that.

I still did the gig. You know, I have that shirt Tom Hansey to touch her on comic where I was calm. Yeah, it's him dressed as forest gum Standing over a little kid with fucking weak knees You want some chocolates dude. What do you say that for? What do you mean? Oh, there's like a right wing conspiracy Yeah, him and there's a lot of these What do you mean? Oh, there's like a right wing conspiracy about him and there's a lot of these Petos in Hollywood. He's a typewriter collector and I heard somebody

theorized that he has a typewriter for every kid. He's that is the fucking crazy. Yeah, allegedly. Yeah, yeah Not that anybody listens to this podcast and we can ever get in trouble like like in Conair the guy gets the Rose for every woman Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, was that oh that's on air Yeah, but the actor is Steve was shanty was a Steve was Sammy. Yeah, I believe so Steve. Blue Chevy was like the now It was a tough wasn't a little key like the little girl though memory. Yeah, the little girl Yeah, yeah, well the Ted two guy was like Danny Whatever is a dragon. Yes. Yeah, okay. No, he just like chicks. Yeah, he was a rapist.

Yeah, just a rapist. Yeah, you know. Yeah, kid rapist in a regular rapist. There's a difference. Massive. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Yeah, one of them was normal and the other one's sick. Oh my God. Well, he's really trying to get listeners. You, I didn't say which is which you already got the shirt Career for that like which is done. I mean I've been done for years by associate You're not done dude. You're crush. You're you're killer. I don't know what you say this all the time I'm self-deprecating. Yeah, like the self-deprecating Yeah, I do. That's a normal thing you say that you're done. I'm finished.

But you can't. Have you seen my friends? Yeah, that's fair. I mean, your squad is done. I'm a really good fucking. Oh, that's a fucking point. Yeah, dude. I mean, honestly though, how many people can murder

as hard as you and call me? Like really, like, hard. Everyone's sh in their pants, murder. You know, there's not many that can do it anymore. Like that level of, I'll fucking rock this room and I'll hurt people from laughing. Well, you know what, so funny.

It's dead, that's dead. There are people there. I just want to, when we, Ari and Jay went on tour. Yeah. Ari went out and up front and look at, when your fans are there. Yeah, it's the best thing in the world when they know you when you go out in front of a club and half of them don't know you.

Right. Is when you're and you murder is to me when you're really fucking kill it. When you went in front of your fans, it's still hard though, because they're expecting up front of your fans, it's still hard though because they're expecting are you went up and fucking murdered. And then Jay went up and fucking murdered. There was one of those things where it's like who wants to go up? I was like, I don't, well, whoever. And I was like, I don't care. I don't care. And there's a lot you got blast. And I was like, all right. I don't give a shit. And then I'm in the back of the room and you see,

all right. Well, Jay will have maybe Jay will say something offensive and Jay goes up and fucking Sitting down. How long we we going? Well, you thinking of all jokes. You're like I better open with this fucking You know what I do have to do a Like an OCD thing I have to write my set list down Every fucking show. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I have to write it down on a piece of paper. I have millions of these little index cards with the set

because I see it. It's fucking weird shit. I've done this from day one where I have to write it down, all the jokes that I'm gonna do, and then I switch them around, and then I'll go on the back, and then I'll write, okay, this is the set, and then I'll look at it,

and I'll, as they bring in my neb, I fold it up, put it in my pocket, and never look at it again. And then just'll go on the back and then I'll write, okay, this is the set. And then I'll look at it. And I'll, before I ask to bring it my name, I fold it up, put it in my pocket, and never look at it again. And then just do that set. That's so cool. If I don't do that, I've bombed because I don't know where to go. Right. Yeah. Like I don't, I can, I don't, I don't write my shit out. I don't write my jokes out.

I remember my jokes from the word, right? Sure. But it's like, um, yeah, like here's, I have one here, like, this is it right here. Like I, and you always stay in that order? Wow. Yeah, like I will go and I'll look at this, look at, as I write it, I'm kind of,

right, and then I look at it. And that's the small one, right, the small index card. No, this is the paper for tonight, you, little sad. I'm a little sad. I'm a little sad. I'm not a little. I'm still. Did they laminate that and take a sip?

You made my mouth sour on that one. But can I ask, do it? It comes out in order. Like once you finalize it, it's always worth like a no, no, no, no, no, but I know where I'm going. There's never that moment. I hate going like this Yeah, so you'll never like jump to a thing and then go back and if I'm sometimes they do like tonight Some reason you're something happens to kind of riffing on them to do the yeah the second last closer

Whatever what was it last night at the we did a benefit. We're gonna be talking about Sarah. Oh How do you say last name? last night at the we did a benefit. We're gonna be talking about Sarah. Oh yeah. How do you say our last thing? Pesto way. Yeah. We're gonna be talking about her later, but at her, we had a beautiful benefit last night at the village on the ground for her. Ron Benning said, Ari Yamen, he's fucking out of her mind. And Norman, Norman went up fucking murdered. Of course. And fucking Ron went up and murdered that son of a bitch. Two years off, the bench goes up

and just starts whaling shit out. Hey, Ron's gonna go on and then you, okay, let's go. Fuck, they boop. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And, but last night, I got on stage and there's just a dude that looks just like me, with his son.

So it's like, I had kid, like my son shit. So it's like, I didn't do it. I was like, it was perfect. It was like, this is the natural evolution of this set. And the universe came together and I fought it. And it fucking, I should have went. Right. I just should have went.

Why'd you fight it? Because I had my set. And I used to say, I just went, went. Why'd you fight it? Because I had my set and I used to say, and I just went, yeah, just, the ship was going this way. I went fucking the gig. Sure. And it went back later and did it,

and I should have done it at the beginning. But. Was it a little bit of like, no, I'm sticking to my plan no matter what signs are in front of me. No, I got scared. I just got scared. I got like, man, should I? Can I name anyone?

Should I, should I, should I, sure. You know, you only have this, it's a benefit. Somebody died. Don't take away. You know what I mean? I was like, I gotta go, you know, whatever. It's a fucking, I'm a nice guy, and I don't wanna fucking ruin shit for everybody.

Of course. I wanna go over and fuck up myself. Yes. But mental patient, I think all comics were fucking mentally ill. Yeah. I would say so. I just, just before I got here,

I'm a little bit weird in the head now, but I signed up for a therapy just before we got. Can I go? What is it? Therapy. I'm sorry. Speech therapy. I thought you had a condition.

Before you could get there. Therapy. Terrapi. I'm sorry speech therapy. I thought you had a condition Before you could get there therapy. Thank you. Shrink. I'm gonna go see a shrink Because I'm a fucking looney to who you gonna see the the shrink. It's I got Alan. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm getting free Because I'm peddling there. Oh, dude. That's my use my code. No, I have my own code. Oh, you're hooking. Oh, fuck it, use it. I'll use yours.

Yeah, so I signed up today, but there's like a huge questionnaire before you go up there. Yeah, I'm in second. I just got yelled at. I don't play with them. You have fucked better. I don't know what happens. I just got yelled at by fucking Mike Schwarris.

What are the brand? Miondes, you don't know, mention Miondes. You can talk about it? Why can't we talk about it? We have a competing brand. Yeah, dude, fuck. No, I'm kidding. Hey, I don't know, I just signed up, but the,

we got it. It's just talk about therapy. The point is, it doesn't question errors. Like asking you all this stuff, I'm just talking. I just thought, what did you put when you said, are you gay? I said no. Did you?

I just put no, but we're not being honest out of the gate. That's the problem. You gotta make a word for it. I've never been gay, but I feel like I could. I could do some gay stuff. Put me in prison. Yeah, a hundred days in. I'm like, do it.

Put me in prison. I'm 100. Put me a month in the fucking casino with him. Locked up a cover. I'll let little fucking Steve Rogers sack the old Bobby balls. Roger. You're not a Roger, are you? I, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna them was like, the question was, most of the questions I'm like rarely, rarely, rarely. It's like, you know, how often it's this, how often that. And then one of them was like, how often do you feel like a complete loser and you've let everybody down? I was like, every day. It's not like the natural feeling of life. Yeah. No, that's exactly the temperature of every comic. That's the way. And if you're not, this, you're mentally ill. Yeah. If you don't feel that as a comedian, then you're not funny to me. Every day of, I feel like a loser, yeah.

It's a perfect time to apologize to both of you. I let you both down and I just want to say I'm sorry. You can pull it back, dude. I don't worry. We still look on another hour. Yeah, well, I'm not, he's not gonna be off the other side. Let's turn it. He's not gonna be off the hour, but.

Yeah, he'll,... Yeah, for sure. We'll see what happens. The problem is, is right, listen, here's my issue with therapy. You're probably, you just fucking, you're very, you're very commanding and you're... I know, but you know therapy, right? Just shut me up and we don't part. No, no, because I know you're a vet.

I think you have control issues, is your problem. No, because you're a big therapy fan. You're out there. You're cheerleading. You're dancing. You're telling everyone to give me a three. He's front room. I don't know if I dance, but yes.

Yeah. So, but the problem is, is like, let's say I have... I don't know I have issues. Yeah. And then if she says, like, hey, by the way, you have an issue with something from your childhood, then, then it's like, I don't need to know about it. You know, it's like if the back of your head doesn't have a good haircut, you don't need to know.

They have a saying in AA. I'm happier without knowing. Yeah, but the back of your head is bothering everybody else. They have a saying in AA. What the fuck? What the fuck? I mean, it's like, that's why we go. It's like, why I go.

So I can, I go to therapy, I've been going through like three years. What's the type of people that go? But they have a saying in AA. No, because you at least why I go. So I can, I go to therapy, I've been going through like three years. What's the type of people that go? But they have a saying in A, no, because you have a point with that. There's a saying in A, A, if you know too much. Yeah. Once you go into A, A, you know too much. It ruins your drinking.

You're drinking to ruin now, because you know what the problem is. So if you go to therapy, you find out what the problems are. Now you know what they are. So you can't just go back out in the world and fucking shut the doors again. They don't shut. So yeah, it's a little fucked up.

I am a pro therapy person because to go to somebody and tell them the deepest darkest shit that you can't tell anybody else. Yeah. Cause I'll fucking tell everybody you're gay. And I mean, he'll call you a fucking loser. I'm gonna even call you the things and you're already calling me these.

You know what I mean? But those things, you tell somebody neutral and get them out and you don't walk around with them. I don't wanna walk around with my shit, right? I just don't wanna have, I walked around for so many years with fucking lie after lie. All the bullshit this happened that and I have all this shit on me.

And I just kept fucking holding it up. You go to therapy, it's just like dude, you take this shit. You can sort it out, I'll try to sort it out. If we don't, time's up. I'm gonna get some ramen. I'll see you next Wednesday. Do you know what I mean? That's why I think therapy.

I'm a huge supporter of that dumping your shit off because you can't tell you check. No, no, no, no. Can't tell your friends. It's all about her. You might not be friends with them in a few months. Something might happen where they like fuck you and then they know all this shit about you.

Yeah. And your girlfriend or your wife, they'll fucking use it against you. Hold for sure. Yeah, and it will change your relationship. You can't tell your wife, you know, I was thinking about fucking sucking Joe Lisscock. You were outside smoking cigars and his wiener was hanging out and he showed me. I was like, I don't want to put that. All of us talk about that, right?

Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, I have to see it more, but... Oh, he'll show it. You know that. You know that. Oh, yeah. That's good. You go to therapy.

It'll be good. See how it works out. Did Irish people go to therapy? No. No, they don't. No, you're going to get it. That's a big taboo thing. I remember one of my friends one night pro-town told us like, really?

It was like a thing. Like he, he had to like, have a secret to tell you. It was like, I've been going to therapy and we were like, all right. But if you never brought it up again, we're just like, never call them again. I blocked them on Facebook. No one goes to therapy.

Well, everyone's fucked up too. That's another one. It's like, everyone's fucked up. So it's like, we can all just be fucked up together. We don't need to pay someone. You know? I also feel like there's a part of it that we're a little keep you there.

Because like, you know, it's like charity. You don't want to fix the charity because then there'll be a job. So they don't want to ever really fix you because then you'll then they're out of a job. Well, there's also people that you know, you know, you know, pick yourself up in the morning and get to it. Oh, God. Of you had a few?

Wake up at 4.30 and I fucking, who care? You have bad thoughts, kill them. Yeah. You know, it's like, dude, I don't have that. I tried to be that guy. Me too. And then I took, I fell asleep. like, dude, I don't have that. I tried to be that guy. Me too. And then I fell asleep. Okay, yes. You know what I mean? I got him a five, I fell asleep on the couch.

I just, it's, people are different. Yeah. Not everybody is that fucking dude who can just, you know, get up, fucking take care of business. I mean, I tried and I fucking, I get it for a little while, and I get more, and then I get something happens.

And it might be something mental. There might be things not right in my brain. Maybe I need medication. I don't know what, maybe I got a head injury. I don't fucking know what it is. But I think what they're doing is also insane. What do you mean? Like killing every thought and that's negative

and getting up this early, it's like, you're doing just a different form of bearing it. You're right, then they're not. You obviously that guy, who jogs a lot, the Goggan, David Goggan, he's a psychopath. That's like he should be, that's like, that's mental illness. He shouldn't just be running all day.

That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, he routes it like crazy. That's crazy. Oh my. That's not he should be that's like that's mental illness. He shouldn't just be running all day. That's we that's that's crazy Yeah, he runs you crazy. What yeah? That's not like impressive. I'm like you you're fucked up. That's fucking weird. I we don't need to hurt yourself every day I know you're running and you're you look good, but like No, I understand on I actually I do I know you say and then yeah and, I do. I know what he's saying, dude. Yeah. But I do like what he does.

He was fat. He's in, I went through a seal training like 96 times for she, you know, just kept doing Ranger trees. He's that type of human. Right. And he can motivate you, but he, you know, I'm an addict. I have an addiction problem.

I'm a recovering alcohol and drug addict. First, and then everything else, second. I want to be him so bad. That's my problem in life. I've always wanted to be somebody else. We all want to be a shredded black guy. We all want to be a shredded black guy. Or at least sleep with one.

You know what I mean? Again. I'll go on least sleep with one. You know what I mean? Again. You know what I mean? I'll go on the road with one. Mm. Yeah. I just, I'm not that guy. Right.

I just not, I got, I got to find other ways to fix my shit. Right. I would love to just be like, get up and fucking do it. Yeah. Oh, it's, it's, oh, what he's doing is beyond good. Cause he's like, sorry, daughter. I'm gonna miss your birthday cause I gotta run true to fucking desert

and I was owner for some reason. And it's like, how long? It's like until I hurt so much. And then another 10 miles. I have to swim with great white sharks. I swim underneath them. You have a little punch of shark in the face. Yeah, what you gotta do is you have to go in

and pull the shark tooth from its mouth. And that's when you're a man. I ain't bite you, that's a pussy. That's what you're a pussy, that's your inner pussy. If he bites you, then take another bite and go out the next day and swim with the shark again. And again, it's two legs. Until you get that tooth, I got no legs.

But I run 75 miles on my hips. You know, sniky made me hip shoes. Anyways, if you're hungry, there's shark in the freezer. Yeah. I'm looking forward to getting a bit by a snake on one of his runs. I like him, but I hear you. It's a little, you know what I mean? That's like, there's a lot of guys.

You might as well be putting his hand in a fire. I don't like it. Like look how much pain I can take. I hit when you're, and the guy's motivating you, and he's telling you, you, it doesn't matter what you think. It doesn't matter what you pray, doesn't, and it's like, dude, you're on fucking testosterone and steroid cycle. Okay, stop it.

You have help. Yeah. You have help. I just want to talk to a middle-aged Jewish guy for 45 minutes on Wednesday. Before those motivation videos, they should have a doctor that reads their urine test results. Before I hear the person speak.

Yeah, it lot of help. A lot. And you're both parents. Yeah, you're so familiar. He's been on Rogen lots of times. Oh, yeah, no, he's great. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of those guys that I think you could take

a piece of, I think that guy's motivated me, you know, when I'm trying to do sit-ups and I got 10, I'll do 11 because of him. That's good, I can take 10. Okay, that's great. You know what I mean? So you can. Whoa.

Looks like a Puerto Rican me. You wish that left was the fucking. That's your dream. That is my goal weight. This is probably the dumbest question, but what's with the shirt on the right? It used to be the shirt on the left. That's why.

The same shirt. No, he's talking about it. That's the only shirt he wears, is to remember who I was. No, I like David. He is, I get where your sense is a little too much, but there are this stuff that you can take from him. Yeah, I mean, Rogan says stuff. You know, there are guys like that who say things and you can take from him. Yeah. Stuff, I mean, Rogan says stuff. You know, there are guys like that who say things and you can take little pieces.

Yeah. I think everyone has a nugget at least. Yeah, but you can't like, you can't feel fucked up when you're not them. You know? Yes. Yeah, it's like, you know, I got DDP yoga because of the fucking fat Hawaiian kid who couldn't move

and that was running at the end of the video. I saw it, it motivated me. DDP's great, I love it, but he did a great job with Jake the snake. What's the, what's the, and Razor Amone, he fucking did a great job. But here's the deal, I couldn't do it.

Couldn't get past the fucking, damn, and coulda. I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't, I was in my living room going down in the cut. And my wife was like, what are you doing, loser? Just do yoga. Yeah.

Get out of the house. Right. You know? Yeah. I, we have a Peloton in our place. I, I know. I, but like the people yelling at you sometimes it works for me. Yeah.

Yeah, I train as I fucking age. They're like, let's go man, let's do this. They always have that voice, let's go man, let's do this. You ready to go? All right man. They go for the win. They're gonna get it today man. They go for more and they do the for it.

They go one more and go, you're gonna fuck it. Yeah. The last trainer I had, so uncomfortable. It was a 24-hour fitness. And he would train me really hard, too hard. And then he'd massage me out in the open, like on a massage thing. Oh, wow.

I'm just a fat fox. I'm just a fat fox. This is fat fuck on my stomach. It looks like the juboos. It's just smoking hot chicks. I'm looking at these chicks. You're like, that's what she's like. Dude, I'm in the room. Like the open workout room.

Yeah. In front of like the fucking MMA hit. He's just rubbing my hands. He was on your bags. He was laughing. He had these massages and rubbing my calves and back and then roll over and I, and this stomach was hanging out.

I was just like, I don't feel like, I don't feel good. I feel like I was being raped. You know what I mean? Fat raped. Yeah, working out is a, the weight is the worst thing. It's the worst thing for me. It's the worst, I think food is the worst drug

of them all. It's the worst drug of all. And people, I know there's a lot of people that don't fuck with it, but I think more people in this country fuck with weight than anything. And even if you're in shape, you're still thinking about not being fat. Every fucking day.

All the time. So it's almost worse. Yeah. Because you don't get to enjoy the rice and chicken I got today. Right. You know, and the piece of chocolate bunny that I fucking stole off my kids fucking Easter thing. Snatched the ears right off through them on my mouth. My wife, what do you fucking fucking Apple?

Anyways, here's the Easter hamster. Yeah, my fucking Toza Tegelin because my diabetes is kicking in. But it's worth it, right? Being fat is awesome. Being fat's not, not now, dude. Well, the fat that I was was awesome. What was your fat? My fat was like 2.30, 2.40, maybe.

Like, during COVID, I got to like a big swollen boy, but it was like 2.30, 2.40, maybe. Like, Jern Kovir, I got to like a big swollen boy, but it was like just gorging. It was like so much fun to just go orange. Isn't it? Yeah, just like get gout. You know, getting gout is a good journey. It's not like, it's not like, it's not like an unfun thing. Yeah.

It's a painful place when you get there. Oh, you've got? I've gotten it. You've gotten it? Oh, yeah. What is it feel like? I'm sorry, I thought we were sharing something. I don't know, you were setting me up.

You're setting me up. You got it. You got it. You got it? You got it. What do we do? I was joking. I've never got it.

You fucking piece of shit. I'd like to get out. Beef Wellington, fucking nice bottle of fucking beef Wellington. Cab, whole shit. I've always got your fucking pieces shit. I'd like to get out beef Wellington fucking nice bottle of fucking beef Wellington Cab Bullshit I've always wanted that beef you know about beef Wellington never fuck off dude really buddy. Oh, you'll love it Is there a place we can get that around here? I don't know I'm guessing what's the place the burger joint down the road? I don't know but Medeta tavern. Medeta tavern. I'm sure they probably do or a vendetta Medeta tavern. Medeta tavern.

I'm sure they probably do. Or a vendetta. Do a vendetta tavern, you go and fucking grow for your tax. You're excellent. A lot of parking cops. Dude, find a place in the city, an English place, or an Irish place, it's an English thing, right?

Yeah, European, I guess. It's actually French. It's actually French, but they're... Find a place and I will, I'll take you there. You will? Yeah, because I got to shut things down in a couple months, like a month, I got to shut it all down. Because I got to do, I got to do some of the other summer and I got to be a little more in shape than this.

I'm gonna shut it down. Well, I'm trying to lose a little way for the special. I'm gonna start doing protein shakes a couple meals a day, just to not be so swollen. I saw a video on me the other day. I just, I looked like my grandmother. Not even when she died, because she looked like when she died, she was thinner. Like four years before she. Your grandmother was a big woman? She wasn't even sick yet. Yeah, she was healthy as shit. Just a fat Irish Canadian from Boston. Yeah, my, my, my grandmother was big. Big, big grandfather, pot belly, small guy. Yeah. You know, greatest generation. Of course. But not a, not a big guy, small guy. My grandmother, big, her father was an iceman.

Back in the day, when you just fucking grabbed the cloth, grabbed ice, went up fucking nine stairs. Fucking cuckunk. So her family's, you know, Canadian, I know, Irish Canadian. So Irish French Canadian. So she's a big girl and I have that in me. Just that fucking mushy.

I feel like my stomach is, I remember hugging my grandmother as a kid, her little fat stomach. And I remember, my stomach, I have the same stomach as her now. And I'm just like, now, my grandma's stomach. So I love my grandma. I've never never said I never said I love my grandmother, but she had a Chevy stomach. My mom got big too, but my mom lost it, you know? But yeah, diabetes runs in my family.

I gotta stop. I'm out. I'm tapping. But I would like to have beef. To be fun. I will do it. Yeah. I want to go, I'm doing a food funeral.

Ha ha ha. Oh yeah, what's that? What's already on the list? Ramen. Ramen? Yeah, ramen. You know, which one do I like, Mike? The lower east side. Is that where you go? Where'd you go? What is it? Tokatsu because I took him to ramen months and I got the wrong one. He got the one I wanted. He went to the bathroom I took his aided after I already took a bite of mine

Ramen ramen pizza Joe's do we have a breakfast on this day? Is it a day or is it like they're gonna be a week? Or no, it's going to be a fucking couple days So you gotta have some sort of a breakfast some sort of a bacon cheese I know yeah breakfast is there, but I'm not a breakfast. I like pancakes and I'll let you oh But I'm more of a I'm gonna have I want to have ramen the best I want to have Indian food. I want to have a beef Wellington would be on there I want to do dim mother fucking some And I'm not talking a place that has dim sum. I want to go to Queens and go to the Asian place

And I want to be yelled at by a fucking Asian What the hell is that? What the hell? It does fuck up the experience when you're like trying to go, I don't know, and they're like shouting at you because you don't know. No, you gotta yell back. Give me that, you come in. What's that?

That, two, two, three. No, I don't want that. Get that out. Where's the pork? Pork, pork, pork, okay, bring it back. Don't you have to get up early? Huh? No, they were open.

You go at 11. Oh yeah? Yeah, Tim sums all day. Is it? I thought it was bracket. Yeah, I thought it was a crack at the moment. Oh yeah? Yeah, Tim sums all day. Is it? I thought it was bracket. Yeah, that was a cracker though. No, it is, but I mean, if you want to get a good seat. Yeah, it's breakfast, but yeah, Tim summed it.

Tim summed it. Oh, awesome. It's my probably mind, my numb, no one is so funny too, because no one's ever ordered that on death row. Ha ha ha. So, they don't want to be yelled at. Well, it's not the same clientele, is it? Well, it's a fucking, it takes a lot longer,

you get more time. You know, I always wanted to stake in a fry or something stupid shit. I'd be like, I want dim sum. I want fucking legit dim sum. I want a two hour dim sum meal. Yeah, I want the Asian guy with the car just walking around.

I want the whole thing. Oh my god Dude don't blame him some a lot of mission and start to do some places these days where all down in Chinatown There's loads of mission places like high-end. I don't want that. No, you want I want where I want to be the only white guy there Oh, okay, there's a place in Montreal. I go to people don't notice. It's We have a secret but I'll go there someday if I ever get you will hide It's so funny because have you been there no, okay Well, they just started back up again. So you guys are probably up the next

They need to bring out old faces if I need to go up there. I never did it never did it I just went right to nasty show and a gala. So that's Harry. Harry did the same thing. Everybody has different routes. Yeah, that's one of the few comedy things I don't drive myself crazy about. About the festivals?

Yeah. Yeah, festivals are fun, but it's not a, it does nothing for your career. And the stress that it puts you through and not being good, like happy about your friends, I'm out on that. What do you mean? So you know how it just drives you crazy

and then you compare yourself. To your friends? Yeah, that's a stress I try to avoid as much as possible. Yeah, that's a shitty one. Yeah, when you least favorite one. When your friend calls you up, dude, I got fucking, you're like, that's awesome. your friend calls you up, dude. I got fucking you like That's awesome. My rejection email right now

Your eyes just wide open all the time dude. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, you have to keep this energy Wow, no, I didn't hear yet. I'll try here. Yeah, yeah, but if I don't get it, dude, that's fine. Yeah, did you enjoy yourself? Yeah, you deserve it. Yeah, yeah All the people you deserve it. Yeah, did you enjoy yourself? Yeah, you deserve it. You deserve it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. All the people you deserve it. Yeah, yeah, amazing Why do you want it? Hmm? Do you want it? No, I'd rather am it'd be nice. I do think it would help a little bit I don't care. It's it's not in whatever my plan is. Yeah, my plan is all online Flood the fucking market content bullshit. That's the only future. I see and I know too many people to go do new faces And they come back and they walk the dogs for the next rest of their life, you know what I mean? I work with people Only one guy I know who walks dogs are really yeah

I mean you should have picked another job. We know you're talking about Justin Okay, well, I work in a moving company and there's loads of people who've gotten fucking new faces. I don't think that's like a thing. You know, there's a couple of things that just give you a little bit, you know, a seat of approval, you know, getting past the seller helps, staying in is a more of an issue. It seems to be everyone gets past and no one stays in. That's like the new thing. Well, you have to, I mean, yeah,

that's that was a weird thing because you're being watched. Yeah, you got in, great, good set. Come down. Yeah. Now, how could, can you go on after Christchurch? Can you go on late? Can you go on early? Can you host?

Right. Can you be, are you ready for this? Right. But, I'd pay money.. You know, can you be a, are you a cop? Like, are you ready for this? Right. But, I'd pay money. If I could, in a dream world, I'd pay money to follow people like you, Jessica, Kerson, murderous. But that's like, that's like an education there. Just getting buried by the fucking best.

I don't know if I'd come out with your hand, but it's like, no, you're right. Certainly, I, I said to him like, Vecchio in one time, was like, go bury me up there. And I think he, I think he felt like I wasecchio in one time, was like, go bury me up there. And I think he felt like I was like antagonizing, but I genuinely go and bury me, and he fucking buried so bad. It was like horrible.

Like he really went, all right, I'll fucking ruin you. And then he ran the lie, and then he kept saying, we can't finish the night on that joke. So then he kept doing a nore joke, I was like, oh, he's murdering. And then he went, we can't finish the night on that joke. And then a nore joke, and then the host hard. He murdered and then he went, we can't finish tonight on that joke, and did another joke, and then the host had to go,

just so you know, we do have another act. And then I had to end up and just fucking, a sh**. Wow. Yeah, he fucking took, but I wasn't being rude at the beginning. I was genuinely gone. This would be enjoyable for me to like, try.

I didn't even come close. So the second I said, I would be like, fuck off. Were you enjoying the bomb sort of? No. But like in hindsight, I think it's a funny story. Right. Especially if I'm not what you asked.

He was doing dirty tactics. He ran the light and then kept saying, well, I'm gonna end the night on that joke. I had to follow you on Joe's show at the seller. You dropped in or something. He was doing a headlining spot at the original room. Right. And it was just gonna be, I think I was going on first or something. He was doing like a headlining spot at the original room. Right. And it was just gonna be,

I think I was going on first or something and you came in and went up and I was like, okay, well now I'm really going to have to look at my jokes again. Right. You're just killing. And I was like, one, I had never seen you live yet.

So I was excited to do that. But it was also like, well, this is not my worst nightmare. And thankfully it worked out, but it's a good scare, I like it. Yeah, I just had Voss and Gomez in front of me. And it's just like, yeah, dude, just have fun. Let's go. And Joe Russell too.

Like everybody was murdering, like fucking Gomez was killing it. Yeah. And then Voss was hosting, so he's going up in the front killing and going back up. Right. And then it's like, okay, I'm gonna go do an hour. Yeah. Which is kinda like fuck.

Yeah. Then it's good though, you go out and do it. It's, you know, you learn how to get him right away. Right. And then they even forgot who the fuck was on stage. Yeah. You know, I remember that forgot who the fuck was on stage. Yeah. I remember that. He's tapping on like rock.

I'm a one night. Was it fucking every rock came in? Like every rock. And then the Wayne's brothers. Oh, wow. All right, you're going on next. When? When am I going on?

How many more black families are going up that are just murdering? Actually, Tyler Perry's going up as all of the characters It was fucking crazy man, and they were I mean just fucking yeah, wow Yeah, I was a Tony rock was like that's how we rocks do it. We own this place and he slammed the mic down Chop Mike and then I went up and I was like fuck that Chop the mic and then I went up and I was like fuck that I used to move a lot and say I used to sweat yeah all the time I used to fucking what's up?

And then I'd be sweating I can't do that shit anymore Mm-hmm too fucking old Do you think you'd have a tough time with that old version of Bobby? If you even know in the weird world where you could follow him or something, you reckon you could. I'm a better comic than he was. He's louder and more obnoxious. I was a I had more presence or stage command. I was young, I was, you know, I was impressive. I was confident as fuck. Right.

You know, and I could go on stage and make something that's really not that funny, really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Just the fucking, I just had that. But then it happened when I broke my knee. I broke my knee and I fucking, I couldn't move.

I was like, oh shit, I have to have jokes. You know, it exposed. Yeah. Wow. Some of my shit. I was just doing a move. I was like, oh shit, I have to have jokes. You know, it exposed. Yeah. Wow. Some of my shit. I was just doing a joke and I was like, oh, I have to, I'm supposed to be over there, fucking stand on my tippy toes and fucking hold

in a lightning bolt right now. And I'm fucking. Yeah, you're an actor when you fall on the ground. Yeah, I couldn't do any of that shit. So it made me switch things up a little bit. But I think for me, I can go too far the other way, too lazy and I don't move. Like, I can go too far the other way, too lazy. And I don't move.

Like, when I'm in a theater like this weekend, move the fuck around, use that stage. I like walking and, you know, I like, you know, having those moments with the silhouettes, you know, kind of fucking saying a joke and then look out at them and fucking see what they're doing. And I don't know. You can see that when you go on stage, hey, what's up, what's going on?

And it dies, it's over. Go on stage and just look at them. They fucking, they'll applaud more. Because they know that, oh, he's recognizing, he's with us right now. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, don't, there's that moment of, when you have your own show,

or you're headlining somewhere, and your fans are there. Now, it's kind of cool when you walk out and you kind of check them out a little, what's up? You know, and then they're like, fucking cool, man. We're here. You know, sometimes you just say,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, just get right into it. They just shut up, you know. Just stepping on your own laugh. But I like those little in the side moments, you know, when you tell a joke, and you just fucking let them laugh, and you're looking right stepping on your own laugh. But I like those little in the side moments, you know, when you tell a joke and you just fucking let them laugh and you're looking right at them while they're laughing. Yeah, I kind of like that shit. I love when you get it, when you can take a sip. Yeah. And it's still from lift to drink to drop. It's still,

they're still laughing. Still laughing. Yeah. That's amazing. It's The big fucking laugh. Yeah, I like natural applause breaks though. Yeah, I don't like fucking the thing is over. Where the people wait, you can rid them in. So that you finish it, you'll get the thing. Yeah, claptor. Yeah, I can't stand the late night sets where it's queer, the comics stop the joke and is waiting for the applause break.

I hate everyone's like, oh, okay, it's done. It's gonna wrap now. Yeah, yeah. My least favorite. Late night stinks. If that was your only example of standup comedy, I think most people are like, ugh, cause it's like so.

There's some guys that do late night and stand up and they're great at it. Vecchion's one of them. Vecchion is amazing on TV. And his rhythm. His rhythm suited. Yep, you had a good one. Whatever one you did.

I think you opened up about sipping something up. Yeah, I had a good tonight show, but I did it. It was more of a club set. Yeah, I made them give me a quarter microphone too. They were like, what? I was like, yeah, I want a quarter microphone. I don't know how to do this tonight show.

Yeah. I don't know how to do it. I can do what I do. I can do a hybrid. Right. But I can't. It was weird. They were standing, they gave me a stand-in-ovation

at the beginning of my set. That's. And it fucked me up. I was like, you fucked up with me? Yeah. Yeah. I just practiced this for a month, two months, and that didn't happen.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah. Oh, yeah., and that didn't happen. Yeah, yeah. I was like, ah. Oh yeah. I fucked up my first joke. Doesn't it? It's what was that? I know I said something because they were applauding. Yeah.

And it was like shut up. Yeah. And I should have just said, all right, sit down, shut up. I only had four minutes. I should have had my calm against things. Right. And let them go, but I'm so afraid of not being invited back.

Of course. I'm so afraid of not but I'm so afraid of not being invited back of course I'm so afraid of not I'm so afraid of Offending somebody or not saying the right thing and that you say okay. I'm a robot. Yeah, you know When you shouldn't because the great said shit You know, yeah, I think today. I just made that up. I think like Shanling had I remember like the greats did this Who's the greats did this. No one's striking. Who's the greats? Richa Pryas.

Nah, he was all right. I overrated. Yeah, overrated. But I remember Gary Shanling's tonight. One special 35 minutes, it was good. Judge Clownel repeated shit. Listen, come on. Carl and clap there.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh my God. It's all gone. It's all gone. All right, we get it. Relax,le. Carlisle. Carlisle. Oh my god. It's all gone. It's all gone. All right, we get it. Relax. You hate God. Yeah.

Memorization bits also. What do you mean? When they remember, they recite this whole long thing and it's quick and it's impressed. We're more impressed that they remember, they remember the long thing. Oh yeah, yeah. And the punchline being good. Yeah, right. Yeah. Those are, and they just, they're applauding by the time they get to the end.

Yeah. I mean, I'm cool with it because there's all different tricks that we use to get laughs. I don't like when you're saying something that makes them applaud. Yeah, because if they don't, they're shitty people. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, why people are fucked up, right?

I mean, you have to applaud that. I like when comics do the opposite of where they're Lord of Men like that. They're Lord of Men, which is sort of like Islamophobia. It's bad. Oh, yeah. And then they'll turn around and go, they'll say, I don't know what, they'll switch around like your f**k these Muslims or whatever. Oh my god. Because they'll switch it. It's offensive these Muslims or whatever. Oh my god. I'll switch it

It's offensive. No, but it's funny because I act on the show Yeah, you know what I mean? No, I do, but I doubt all right. I was trying to go with you But I fucking bailed out of the I like I like tricking them. I know you're talking tell me tell me something what you talking about There's Carmen LaGala had one on her, one where she's like, my dad got married, got divorced three times, is anyone else marrying my dad, or something like that, where you do a pause.

Right. So they all think, you know, common misdirect. Right. That kind of thing. Is that cool? Yeah, I mean, that's, it's like magic. Yeah. It's, you know, common's has magic shit in it,

where it's misdirect and it's, Yeah. You know, the memorization and all this shit. And I get it. And then I think, but, you know, when you get a real applause break, when you're like, Yeah.

Yeah. You guys like that? I like those. Like, I got a couple of them this weekend. Yeah. And it was because of, and those. Like I got a couple of them this weekend. Yeah. And it was because of, and I know why, I cleaned the joke up so much that it was actually funny enough to built and built and built.

I took, because I'm working on this hour. Yeah. So I'm cutting the fat off of these things. Sure. And there's no, and, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and, and, and then, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and and suck it and wow. Oh, it's just the fucking joke, right? Right, right.

So you got rid of all the things that make them clap. Yeah, right. Give me the stuff you cut, Willie. I'll be awesome, dude. You know, yeah, it was fucked up, but I like the, I've been at the seller over there. There was somebody getting a plausible break after a plausible break. I was like, yeah. The person I was just like, what?

I'm like, this is fucking, you're making them applause. Right. I'm like, watch, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll get into a plausible watch. I'll do it. I'll get three. And I went up and I went, right?

And then, You did it? You just have to know. Yeah. What a love and if he didn't get the applause break. I'll do it. I'll get three and I went up and I went right You just have to know yeah, what I love and if he didn't get the applause break No, what a sorry that wouldn't the best thing I just bomb you're like game average huh Come on Trans bathrooms we should have them. Yeah, yeah, give it up a trans athletes guys. Come on give it up for those guys beating those women Taking their trophies. They deserve it, right? Because they were getting a little too cocky these chick, right? Huh, we don't need men. Oh, now you got him

Hey, you got him in your sports. How's that? Yeah, how's that? Give me that trophy bitch. Get off that put those weights down Give me that trophy. Where are you guys going? Oh, man How do you feel? They're so weird. That whole thing, it's because I'm not smart, but it just comments sense wise, I feel so bad for these girls who work so hard the cis women to get, to have,

you know, a competitive thing and they're fighting against each other and then somebody, look have, you know, a competitive thing and they're fighting against each other and then somebody, look, I get it, somebody's transitioning. Right. And that's a tough thing. It's like, dude, I am a girl. Yeah.

I feel, I don't feel like all you assholes. I feel like a girl. I've been a girl for a long time and now I'm transitioning and I want to swim. Yeah, and it's like What you know, what are you supposed to do have a trans league? You can't yeah fucking what three people and you're not doing that to red heads You know, man, I did the trans league. Goffin booth is a black trans swimmer. She's gonna win it all from the med too

So you think hello, look at it. Look at his all nervous. We're talking about trans stuff He's gonna know I was a swimmer, so I'm relating. Oh, I hear you swimmer. I was a swimmer for which the 18 years I was just high school and Swim club and all that stuff If you if you had a race the woman would you have destroyed her? No, no what no? You mean the trans person? No, no, real woman. Oh, I mean a real woman.

Yeah. Yeah, he's a fucking woman. He said, yeah, my god, that wasn't my fault. That was so fucking unpopular for me. I don't know. I don't know any of these people. I've never seen them. I beat women.

You know, and I'm shitting. No. You'd be... You hit women, I like it. Thank you. I love that you did it with this wrist. I'm showing you how I did it. It was very daintly.

Even the weakest man can beat you well. Ladies, stay in line. Oh my god. I see you, Matt. I like line. Oh my God. That's a nice match. I like a producer. You're doing bad acting. I'm just saying plenty more when that came from. Cha!

Get on that stage right now. Oh, no, shoes, I love them. Listen, did you really beat women? Did you beat you? Did you beat women? Oh, are we back to swimming? We're back to swimming. Oh God, beating women. Yeah, yeah. Did you beat women could you beat you? These women? Oh wait, and are we back to swimming? Well back to swimming, I'll be back to swimming. I'll be back to swimming. Yeah, yeah.

Did you beat women in swimming? Yes. We know you beat them in life in relationships. Well first I would show them who's boss and then I'd beat them in the pool. Right, okay, cool. So they were in there. They were drowning. So you drowned them in the pool.

You drowned them in the pool? I would drown them in the pool. Right. I would only beat people once. I would roll them into the pool. You drowned them in the pool. Right. I would only beat people once. I would roll them into the pool. Yeah. And a car. Poor guy.

We're just fucking here. This is a clip by the way. Oh, this is a clip we're using for the week. No more filing for you, dude. You're done. You're L. No, let's say it. Say it in the camera.

Where's your camera? Say it in the camera. I don't beat women. I don't beat women. Yeah, because he's not a good swimmer. He sucked at swimming. Couldn't beat women. I don't beat women. Yeah, because he's not a good swimmer. He sucked at swimming. Couldn't beat the high school theme. Yeah, he couldn't beat the girls and swimming.

Amazing. No, did you, I was swimming against girls? Yeah, you did. In the swim club, yeah. And did you win? Yeah. What were the girls that beat you and swimming then? There was definitely girls that beat me, but I definitely beat more than I lost to. Right. You know, right. When did Trance, you know, this is what we do. But

kind of. Oh, boy, from masculinity. Yeah, I would do these. And then I jumped in. It's the only guy that has to wear wear clothes to have like physique. Yeah, yeah. I have the, some of the Spider-Man foam that they put in the pocket. Yeah, you got something stuffed in that pocket, so it looks like a bicep there. I know, I was trying to get a,

he's like stuffing his brow with tissues, man. You know what, what is that? That's just my head phone. That's a tricep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I have, I gotta hope the guy comes from this side.

Yeah, do you have to take the train here? Yeah, look tough on the train. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have, I gotta hope the guy comes from this side. Yeah, you have to take the train here. Yeah. Do you take the train? Are you guys scared? I was attacked last year, so I, what? Yeah. Wow.

I was waiting for, wait, what? I was waiting for the train and the guy walked by and he spit my face. Oh, okay, fuck. And then I, I'm wiping, it felt like a movie. The spit is the worst. I'm wiping, yeah, well, wait, I wiped the spit off and he's back and he punched me in the face.

What? Yeah. And then I was like, I don't think this guy likes me. And then I said that. No, no. Oh, you thought that. Yeah, yeah. And then I tried to leave.

And I saw that he was going to try to meet me on the other side of the turn style So I made it I made it look like I was about to go through it Yeah, and then I turned around and fake them out and he got pissed So he tried to get to me and that at that point everyone was screaming and running away and he couldn't get to me So he was spitting on people trying to make a path to to me the spitting fucking what is he? crazy trying to make a path to me. The spitting fucking. What is he? Crazy. Was he crazy?

He was like, how did you just, I think he was a homeless guy. How did you just cry? Was he, I was homeless? Yeah, for your crazy homeless person. Yeah. Athletic. Would he have made your swimming team?

Yes, he would. Could you have beat him? Okay. Oh, I couldn't have beat him in swimming. No, you couldn't beat him in life either. No, he's a little bit of a spitting in the face. He wasn't a female swimmer. There was nothing like. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you, did you want to hit him back at all? Big time. And what held you back? Because he was, if I went at him, he would have gone on the tracks. I'm a hero. So, but I didn't want to kill anybody.

Why? I don't know. You're allowed to kill someone if they spit in your face. If somebody attacks you, you can kill them. Did you know that? That's a new law. Is that the rule? Yeah, the new mayor put that in no bail, but you can kill them if they attack you.

I couldn't do it. And Florida, you can kill somebody. I just thought about what I would think. I would think about it in my life. If Florida, if somebody looks at you weird, you can kill somebody. I just thought about what I would think I would think it's a spin-off face. If somebody looks at you weird you can kill them. Is spitting an attack? No, I think that's a physical. That's not that's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. It is now because of COVID. It's right now because do you have a spit in the face? It's fucking. Yeah, I paid a good money for that. It's. Was it Jessica Keller? Her and her husband. Look, she's spanked.

You fucking dirty couple. But it stinks. And the type of person that's spitting you on a face, I like that, I have good teeth. So I like that. The person that spits in your mouth. Yeah, you never go, oh, list three. Go ahead.

Someone's been to the dentist lately. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a. He has a, that was like the bottom of a hoof. Oh. Yeah, he has a dead tooth. Oh, God, it tastes like an astray. And it's right in your fucking dumb face. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I took the hottest shower ever taking it my life when I went home. Yeah, I still feel it.

Yes. All right, now, so the guy, this is nuts. So he just attacked you, but he didn't take your money. So what were you doing? What, what, what, what privilege thing were you doing? Literally standing there waiting for the train with the, with the,

with the counting your money. No, hundreds, just going 100, 200, 200, 300. You had a big bag, like a cartoon, like a dollar sign on it. Yeah, and then you go to your, I was wearing my shirt. You're, you're, you're Bitcoin. Oh my God, I just went up again.

I was wearing a shirt that said nothing bad ever happens to me. And try it, doing the best. Do your words inside. And yeah, so I was just standing there waiting for you. You're standing there waiting for the train. So you're not on the train. No. And you didn't, you're not a, look it.

I am hyper aware. Anytime I go in the subway. Yeah, I'm hyper aware. I see a mother fucka coming. I move. Same. But what happened? Why didn't you see this guy? I'm like that on the the cars. You had

headphones in. I had headphones is where they fuck you up. I think I got too comfortable with I'm very much like that in the cars. I'm not like that on the platform. Obviously that's changed. But yeah, I get a fine on the platform and you're hiding. You have like face paint. I have a jacket. It's all tiles. On his face as Westy Hort. You have a carpet that goes over you that the subway map. Yeah, I've got the the tile head from twenty three. And then there your eyes are open like Yeah, like Sherlock Holmes. And newspaper.

You have a bench costume that you put on. I have a sign that says what paint. Nice. That's great. So you so on. So this guy just I would love to see him on a platform right now. Oh God. I'm there.

You won't. I'm constantly moving. I can't stand still anymore. Yeah. I'm doing arch. Yeah, I can't stand still anymore Yeah, it's terrifying, but that's why I live with in the same building as Joe list We we ride in together and write out together. Oh, yeah That's gonna scare somebody off almost He fights him off with me almost he fights him off with me he picks me up and swings me around

What look at these two bitches? Joe can't even scream because his mouth's too small It's like a dog whistle dude. What what are you two cut of you? I've I saw you to as a victimizer. I would be like I would literally like thank you guys Oh, yeah, I'm saving them a trip. I guess I am fucking yeah throwing both of these twinks on the fuck yeah You guys I'm spitting in the little ones face and I'm gonna fucking suck the other ones cock and I'm gonna Fucking push him on the front of the train when it comes. Oh my god If I got released from rikers the day I saw you be like a wet dream You just take the train because what you gonna do when you get out?

I'll fuck this guy up so this guy so this guy so this guy sees you. You don't see him coming. I did not You gotta shut that headphone. I keep the head I know more. Yeah. Yeah, it's not happening. I'm black out drunk. Keep I am listen to music I'm yeah, you know your fuck cuz you're Irish. Yeah, you look like the guy's gonna be hit make me feel something Yeah, exactly Make me feel Punch me in the face. I want to feel. Ask me about my childhood. If you want to hurt me, spit, he'd be like spit again. Yeah. You're more afraid of

the questionnaire than before. Yeah. Yeah. But you're face nobody's approaching you. Yeah, I don't think people, I don't think I maybe not. No, I ride nice trains yeah, you have cool again face. I'm not on I'm on One was at the end train. Yeah, you in the first Quiet easy. I didn't say what it was the W yellow line Stop with the yellow line. Thank you stop with the end train. I was a great. I missed it. I'm sorry I'm sorry. He said it. Can we beep that one out? Look at this clip.

Hey, if you want to make that the IG clip. Hey, that's the, yeah, patreon.com slash robber Kelly. You want to know that fucking? That was a good one. Steven Rogers on racist tirade. Oh, good. Listen, so you're on the thing. You're listening to your headphones, but you shouldn't be.

I have the men have them off. You know, if someone does talk to you, you can pretend like you can't hear them, but you can hear every fucking- What were you listening to anyway? Podcast? Uh, I was- Joe Rogan's had a fuck self defense podcast. Game podcast.

Jordan Peterson. Oh, hold on. You gonna make your bed? Jeffrey Goggins, you gotta fucking be a man. Get up. Do the sit-ups. Someone spits in your face. You run away. I- What were you listening to? I don't up. Do the sit up. Someone spits in your face. You run away.

I don't remember. My wife hates me. I can't ask all. Where you listen to Chip Chipperson? He's hailing. He's hailing. I don't remember what I was listening to. Obviously, I popped it.

You don't fight or some meaningful song. It was the pump up fight mix and then I Any I don't remember I was in a classic rock so it's probably weird double cuz I I remember music all the time Yeah, so you know my Some classic rock. Oh, yeah, all the time. So it was like journeyers. Oh, no, I hope Oh no, I hope. Don't stop. Believe what the fuck? I don't do that.

Yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. Everybody is chasing you. I'm my, don't know. So, okay, you're standing there. And he's, all right, so this guy walks up. How is he bigger than you?

Is he tougher looking than you? Yeah, he better be bigger than you. Sorry. Yes. He got me. He got me. I asked the stupid question. Yeah, he was the bigger of Tava. 14 year old woman.

I apologize. Yes. And yes, yeah, yeah. Should have done that in my head. So he was nice. It felt good to be asked that. He better be better. Nobody's asked me that.

No, he looked like Michael J. Fox. Well, first he rolled up to me. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he Well, first he rolled up to me. He was... He said, come down here. And then he said, give me some water. So, what does he do? How does he spit in your face? He...

Like, what is it? He did it like a bird trying to gouge your eyes out. He did a... What's it a, like, shrap, like a white spread? Oh, it's a white spread. It's the white spread, it's gets you. Was it misty? Was it gooey? It was gooey.

Misty and gooey. It was misty and I know I think I know. I'm sorry is this hard for you guys? Oh he got gooey. I got gooey. Misty gooey. Yeah, yeah. Was it misty gooey?

It was white. It was shrapnel goo. So yeah. It wasn't like one. It was like, please go to to comic rebels dot com and get the new shirt misty gooey Misty gooey available 20% off miss if you say if you scored word ladybugs to get that Misty gooey shirt. It's just a fucking luggy with It's me like this. You're a green. There's a little meba in it There's a piece of fucking chicken.

You know the mucus guy from the commercials? Yeah, he was riding on it. It was so he sped. And where did most of the misty gooey go? Oh, I am a mask on. Oh, because this was hide on COVID. Thank God. So that's murder, by the way.

Yes, I had to murder you. And it was all brown eyes. Brown eyes. And your brow is very browy. Yes, I did murder you and it was all brown eyes brown eyes and your brow is very Browey. Yeah, they're still in there. Yeah, you they live in there now. There's a village. You look like you sell insurance in 2008 Well, I said it's my bodega But yeah, it got all over right up here. You're very you're very Browey. Yeah, you have a nice brow. Thank you Very knee-end of the whole have a nice brow. Thank you.

Very knee, knee-end of the brow. Original man brow. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate it. And your family. Anything? Okay.

So I'm sorry. Listen, so you're there. He spits and you're like, what do you do? What's the first thing you do? Well, I've been, I've been spit on before. Of course you have. Yeah. What do you, he's just a walking.

Will you take a walk in karate classes? Yeah, we get it you can write good jokes. Yeah, take a class. Yeah, go to jiu jitsu do something. I know I got a Take a thing guys look at you. I need to spit on this guy's face. Yeah, who else spitting you? What was the other one? The brow it was it's the brow you they're like that need some lube this guy needs to be taken down a notch Yeah, what was the other one you would it was a right after the marches? That's the brow, they're like, that needs some lube. This guy needs to be taken down a notch. Yeah. What was the other one? It was right after the marches. Yeah.

I was go, so I was in front of him. What do you mean marches? The BLM protests. Okay. Yeah. You do, can I say you do look like, if I was a black person, I would spit on you. I get it.

You look like that. I've had somebody think I was an undercover cop. Yeah, you look, you have undercover cop and you're wearing a fucking white supremacist jacket. It's like, yeah, that's, if I was casting and I was doing the wardrobe, I would have that jacket on. That explains the insignia on the inside,

but I thought that was just Egyptian, but they, I forgot. I'm sure you got some time before. The first time I got spit on was after a protest, we're ahead of bat and the guy, I felt it on the bat. You went to a black belt. I know, yes, yes. And then some white shot.

Yeah. You know, so the karma was nice and gooey. And what train was this? I believe it was an M or F and. was nice and gooey. And what train was this? I believe it was M or F and. Motherfucker train. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Motherfucker. Yo, motherfucker.

She could die. I just bought a fucking flex on this motherfucker train. Go ahead. Sierra on the motherfucker train and you go spit off. On the back of my head. And I remember it was a gooey. This was a lump. This was a singular. This was a singular.

This was a spray and this a mess. Not a go. No, you don't spend the back. Someone's head when I missed. You didn't. When I happen to him, it didn't feel I didn't find any. I'm gonna rookie. Uh oh. Hang on one second, Misty. Something happened. My wife called me. She knows I'm doing a podcast. I have to take this. Do you mind? Oh, yeah, go ahead, please. Just my trauma. Let me see Yeah, good one. Thanks. Oh, thanks Max. Yeah, just like your mom, you can just like her.

It's fucked up, dude. Anyways, so you don't listen to that anymore. You just like constantly. Sorry, that didn't pay off, guys. I thought it was going to be something adorable from that. I love you so much. Yeah, that would be great. Go right back. And then go back to Misty gooey, motherfucker train. Misty gooey. Get spit on because you're a KKK. I got me, we got Misty gooey to the back of the head too. And thankfully my hood stopped it, but.

Oh my god, you always have a mask. A face mask of hood. You have a hood. You pretend to be a triceps. I was doing a KKK joke. Oh, sorry. That was the joke. Sorry, we don't.

It's all right. We didn't get it. They're not spitting on something. Well, you had a clan costume, yeah, or whatever they were. That's why I like that. It's like a spit proof. You had a clan uniform. If you had a clan uniform, I don't think people are done to spit.

Well, they can't get to you. You're all a paper towel. Paper? Yeah. It's like a cloth or whatever. All right. So anyways, so you got spit on that. So I wanna know that with this, go back to the train.

We're on the train, he spits on that big brow of yours. We're on the platform. We're on the platform. Do you have that one? He spits on your face. Yeah. What do you do as soon as he spits? All right, so because of that, who's good?

I love the column was gonna answer. I know, he said it. He said it. No, that, I love the column was going to answer. I know. I know. He said it. He said it. He said it. I know. But I want to hear.

So I just want to hear you say, like, great. Tell me what. Well, because of that first time I got spit on. Right. I want the guy that spit on me. It's all connected. Right. You have to see the frequent.

Well, I learned my lesson from the last time. So he looked at me. Yeah. Got to go out of the game because of that. That's a good point. Well, I learned my lesson from the last time. So he looked at me. Yeah. Got to come at me again, because of them. That's a good point. Listen, I'm an expert. All right, I learned nothing. You're right.

But he looked back at me. Like, they want to rise out of you. And he never got one. So he left me alone. The first one. The first guy. So he wanted to rock. Is he think so? I think I think you

wanted to be like, hey, let me destroy you or whatever. But that guy wasn't homeless. That was a regular dude. I think he was homeless as well. He was. Yeah. Sure. I'm pretty pumped. But he was in a rally. No, it wasn't at the rally. It was in the in the platform. Oh, in the platform again. Yes. And you were feeling all good about yourself. Can I say something? Can I make a suggestion? Yeah, get a car. Yeah, we have one. All right, listen. Oh, you're in a little nickel chaser drive into the city. No, I just bought. Yeah, and you look at he with that mug that fucking 1930s ganked your mug. I will get you. See? Is fine. Right. You have a suitcase with a machine gun. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you can't. I look like you What do you look like? We're not allowed to say that word anymore

Neither one of them together Slam boy You look like a guy I lost a woman and swimming yeah, yeah what trains would it be? What what letter trains? What letter on ends? Listen, I live on trains. All the yellow line. The entire yellow line, I'd be. The P line? Is the P is there a P line? Yeah. The F line. Yeah. But listen,'m not saying R and definitely the L.I. Do you fucking loser listen? I always think lesbian That's it. Oh yeah, you do fucking Ellen's haircut. Oh, yeah, yeah listen. Let me ask you question

Are you did you? Did you transition? That is so funny. Are you? You know you legally have to tell us I'm the one you legally have to tell us I'm the swimmer. Liatamas. Yeah. Liatamas. L.T. So he's spits in your face and then he punches you immediately. I'm wiping. Right. And as soon as I wipe, he's like, good, you're back and boom. Wow.

No, but he was right there and punched you. He walked away after he's spit. So I thought he was done and gone. Oh. And then I wipe and he's back already. So he's like, I'm wiping. I'm wiping. Right. And as soon as I wipe, he's like, good, you he was right there and punched you. He walked away after he spit. So I thought he was done. Oh

I wipe and he's back already. So you're not looking for the guy that you let him get on you You let him get in your personal space. How did you let him get in your personal space twice? That is I thought I was gonna win him over You know, I was a charm Smile hey, hey, is anyone dating? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what a vulnerable disposition. I no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Let's see what happens and then you did nothing so he was like oh I found a fucking easy. I Yes, I didn't know that that was what's gonna happen otherwise I would have done so have you ever seen you never watch any like Natural geographic were a bear is another bear or a And one goes yeah You never seen like animals. Yeah, I've seen that but

In the white bin and you know wait for the doors though But I was the bear spitting another bear's face and he does nothing except we use his paw He comes back and bites him cause I'm like a pussy. Yeah, then shit's on his girlfriend Listen so he punches you in the face then what do you say you had to I want to know there's no words? No, no, no listen to me call him You had to, I wanna know words. No, no, no, listen to me, call them. Something came out of you. You gotta use bleep, no word.

Something came out of you, I'm up. Jesus, oh boy. No, what, she willikers. She will. It was Zoinks. What's going on? It's Zoinks. Black.

Black. Well, well, well, well, be my Mrs. Yeah, after my face stops spinning when he punched me, and I held my head straight, I didn't say anything. Yeah, really, yeah. What I did was I looked to be like, Hey, anybody think this is crazy? Like, with my face and there's an issue with no one else

reacts to because of like your brain. I've seen someone get spit on and on the train. And the guy spit on this lady and they jump straight off. Like he was sitting there. It was unprovoked. Just some Asian lady and there's no more cards. And he just got any spat on her. He said something. I don't know what he said. He was like, motherfucker and he spat and it was like it was a spray. So then where did you go? So you start walking off the platform. I'm like, I'm gonna leave because clearly this guy is not gonna leave me alone. And I'm not gonna-

He's still saying stuff to you. He hasn't snow, no words were ever exchanged between fans. No, a growl, a grunt. Growl, literally. He's just a little silent. Just one look when he walked, at one point, he, after the punch, he looked back at me like, what's, what's fight?

Yeah. And I'm like, I'm gonna leave. What was he big? Not that much bigger than me. Okay. But, and I'm like'm like, I'm gonna leave. Was he big? Not that much bigger than me. Okay. But, uh, and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna leave. But he wanted to, to head me off at the exit. So I pretended I was gonna try to get past him. But then all I did was turn around. So he was like, confused. And then there was people trying to get out. He couldn't get to me.

And then I got around them and left. And he couldn't get to you. And then we never came up trying to get out, he couldn't get to me, and then I got around them and left. And he couldn't get to you. And then we never came up trying to chase me. Well, you nervous that he was gonna come up and get you? How'd you get home then? Yeah, she go through the... So I ran into Anthony DeVito. Well, that's another tough guy.

Yeah, yeah. He just got spit on. Now that's my videos also crying. Yeah. He's got a transsexual just slapped him and spit on me Yeah, someone just spit blood on him. Oh, man. Oh, what happened? I am so I was his advice run. I was Anucle do and then we took a cab back. Oh, you shared a cab. Yeah, and I just told him the whole thing

Those New York moments did he not want to sit next to you because you had fucking, you had COVID spit all of you? That's good point. He couldn't stop laughing. So I was, it made me feel amazing. I was like, thank God. Thank God I ran into somebody that can make fun of this right now. Are you nervous every time you get on the train that that guy is going to be there?

I've seen him twice. And what is it? I've seen him twice. He doesn't, apparently I wasn't that special. You know what? special you know what I recognize you did that hurt that hurt me more than anything I heard me more than the spit and the bunch Remember me you It was me the guy yeah look I put my head phone you masculated me you try to recreate this area You went back over there and look down. Yeah, I'm looking at my phone. I had the map real big

down yeah i'm looking at my phone i had the map real big ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's not all these people keep saying New York is fine. It's not. You're a fucking idiot. Go fuck yourself. You don't live in New York. You don't take the subways. From here around the corner, I've been fucking fucked with. Yeah. 10, 15 times. Yeah. Going back to my cars and nightmare.

It's a fucking shit hole. We used to get on the subway. There was MTA cops everywhere. Yeah. That was a job. What was that supposed to be said? MTA There was MTA cops everywhere. Yeah. That was a job. What was that? So we showed MTA cops. I don't know.

Never. These guys are a protest and they are left. Yeah. It's fucking you fucking. They're right. You're a fault. I look. You made this, man.

Yeah. You list all your little fucking little hip hip hip fucking losers. I don't, this is my happen. This is my happen. Little Brooklyn. Hey guys, please take it too far. Really? Yeah, I was just trying to get my steps in but like I was like what's there? Oh everyone's on my walk path

But I do fucking dismantled this city. Yeah, they did not know what happened. They left. They went back to Connecticut and upstate New York to Mommy's house or their second. They don't even live for anymore. And all these fucking turds are here to deal with it. Nope, there's no bail, there's no cops. The poor police were fucking dismantled.

Yeah. This city is dying. Right. If you don't think it's true, there's something wrong with you. Yeah. There's mentally ill people on every single corner. You stop at a red light, there's somebody coming up to your car. It's like the 70s.

Yeah. And don't email me and say, oh, you're an asshole. You don't even know. I know. I lived here for 25 years. And I've seen it get bad to good to shit again I want to get the fuck out man if the comedy seller didn't exist I would not be here. I'd be going Would you be I'd be in Florida. Yeah, Florida is a place hundred percent. I'll go down there

I'll fucking make that the hotspot. Yeah, I don't fucking like Austin funny Rogan I'm gonna be the rogue in the Florida. I'm gonna have six people. You had a Florida Rogan, dude. Florida Rogan. You said it like a good thing. That's like a nice. You're the real order. I'm a little chubbier, right?

Yeah, same tattoos. Yeah, same bound. No, not really. Whatever. But we get though. Yeah, dude, it's so bad. I feel that makes me sad. I saw a fire earlier today, actually.

Where? Yeah, over there, 42nd Street somewhere. I was on my phone and then next year I just saw people rolling on the middle of the street just frightened and then the cops showed up straight away on the cover cops, the media. Yeah, over here they used to have a police station. Giuliani, what his whole thing was at hotspots. Yeah.

He would put a police trailer, 24-hour police in Washington Square Park, and they had a trailer. So it was a station. You got arrested in the park, you went to that trailer and locked up in there, and then they would come get you through you in the tombs. It was, he took them and fucking threw them away. Fuck you. Good bye. There's too many good people in this city Fuck you. Mm-hmm. Goodbye. There's too many good people in this city that work too hard to live here, pay too much money, too much taxes for this bullshit to happen.

Yeah. And it's all because of fucking assholes took advantage. We got a bunch of dumb young people whipped up. I'm not anti-cop. You are? You said he wanted it. I did. You were there on the street.

I've always had the shirt that said he found the police. You had George, you had a George Floyd mug. Yeah, you wrote the song. You had a coffee cook. Okay, the song was a hit, but like, I think what was the song? I was a team man. He found the police, they're no good in the hood. Take their guns away.

We don't need them here anyway. That was you? That was me. That was me. They hit it a summer. Yeah, yeah. No, I, I miss them. I'm terrified and I was terrified before.

You got a apologize. I apologize. They need, and here's the problem. So you're saying black lives don't matter? Oh, that's not conviction. Oh, my God. That's wrong with this guy. Yeah, joke with that. Yeah, there goes my campaign. Here's a here's the thing too is that now no, dude, we used to like joining the military was an awesome viable thing other than college for a lot of kids. Yeah. To go in and then get college

paid for and defend this country. Kids don't do it anymore. I mean, there's a serious problem with people joining our military, our armed forces. Our armed forces, I've done shows for them. They're the best. They're the coolest motherfuckers, men and women. From all over, cops, nobody wants to be a cop anymore. And here's the thing,, they de-funded the police

in New York, right? That's what they wanted. I got a comic sent me Gabby sent me, I was like, go fuck yourself. She had to move twice, because it was a neighborhood that got so bad. You know what I mean? I love Gabby, but, you know, dummy.

But it's like, most, you know, there was 60% minorities on the police force. So it was actually your defunding jobs for minorities. Yeah. The cops were being replaced by Spanish and Black people and people of color. Yes, back in the day it was Irish and Italians and white dudes, but they were being pushed out.

They're all high ranking dudes, getting their retirement gone. It's gonna be all minorities, mostly in New York City, because that's who's here that take those jobs. A cop is a low paying job at the beginning, and then you can make money. Yeah, they don't want that shit. But no one really dreams about being a cop anymore.

So my point is, it used to be a job. You do 20 years, you get a pension, and then you could go and do security and have a good life somewhere out in Queens or wherever. Go to Jersey set up a restaurant. Yeah, it was a, now you will lose your job in everything with one altercation. Right. Someone with a cell phone, and your your phone catches you kicking the shit out of some child. Yeah, job is gone. You're getting something and some guys

ask, yeah, stop a guy and fuck. You can't crack on some person's ass in the head because you don't like his fucking race. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck? I curb stop on you and anymore. I miss those guys when I was in the

train. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How great would it be if there was cops down there? How would you feel safer? 100%, 100%. So you're petrified still. Oh yeah.

I think anyone's gonna punch me in the face when I walk by them in an unapolog. But I'm a mustache or something, because it makes up the face. Try to get nice fucking... Yeah, you're gonna start dressing different. Which should I wear? Not get a swastika on your forehead.

Yeah, not. Look real tough. Yeah, not undercover cop outfit. What, what, what do I wear there? A cape. Traxu. Those crazy people will think you have powers. If you wear a cape and a fucking like a no mask,

wear a mask, a cape and a, a turban... Turban. Turban. Yeah. Nobody will fuck with you. White guy turban. Yeah. Yeah.

Where a turban. Turban cape, mask. Yeah. People, they'll come up to you and go, You're a man. Is everything okay? You good? Yeah.

They'll bring you shit. And what's my fortune? No, you, yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you, brother. Oh, it's alright. It's funny. Yeah. I was laughing the next day What's fuck creepy? That was that someone spit in your face. What would you do? I don't know

I'd like to feel that I would attack him Well, what would you do if some guy walked up and punched spit in your face and then punch I certainly what he He certainly wouldn't have been able to punch me Like he wouldn't have been able to walk off and then come back up and then I'm like, oh he's back to apologize. And then he fucking cracked me in the nose. Oh he had some time to think about it. No, that's not happening.

For sure. But to spit in the face, it would have been immediately like a scramble. Cause when things are going to happen to you, it's so shocking where it's like, and I don't have a good instinct reaction. It's like, I'm like, It takes me a little bit to, like that girl that got spanned in the face at the time.

It took me like a good 10 seconds, even know what was going on. The girl I told you about the story earlier. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She got spanned in the face. So it takes you a couple of seconds, but if someone spanned in my face, I hope I'd shove them in front of a fucking train.

The spit in the soul, I'd rather you just cut to the punch. But it still like the punishment fit the crime. Pushing the man on the tracks and... You should tie them to the track. Like a cardoon. And then twist the goo the time my face. Oh. Oh yeah, the gooey face.

Get the metal from the thing from your mask and twisted up. And you had to rank, I know you're, you're getting your girlfriend and be like, yo, some guy just spat my face. I know, it nobody helped you. Nobody helped me, not one person. Wow. I did call, no one helped anyone by the way,

and this is, that's it. I could see someone getting stabbed and I'd be like, no. I was kind of relieved that no one was filming. I was like, oh, everyone here's a good person Like that was the state of the phone. No no one film no other man was there to help you nobody helped it was there other men around yeah men men Like me and column men not you like Thank you this group No, I wouldn't know. Yeah, I would like there done it. There was like, there was other dudes.

No, two ladies next to me, they went, oh, and like, just screamed. Oh, they're really screamed. If it was a girl, I would have stood in and helped. If it was, I wouldn't have probably done that. And that's what I got bad. Yeah. I feel like, I'm not jumping in.

I'm not a hero. I'm not doing any of that shit. Well, that's the problem. I'm turning around and walking away. If you do something that you get stabbed, if you pushed him on the tracks and he died Your father you could be fucked. Yeah, I you did the exact right thing. Yeah as far as

Life right but as far as the story on this podcast of course you are a fucking Q-trained All aboard All aboard. All aboard. That's amazing. All right, listen, we're going to go, we've got it so much time. We're going to be going right now. I want to thank my guests that have been on everybody. Give your website and where people can see you.

Oh, sure. Stephen Rogers, comedy.com. I got an album coming out May 6 may six uh... called before he was super before his super check him out very funny guy uh... i've heard a lot about you from joe list he can't stop raving about of course he loves you uh... and uh... yeah it's like a little comedy community have joe list you in ronon

yeah and uh... katelyn uh Caitlin is my girlfriend Kate Palufo Oh no shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's the if the world ends They're the first to go building now. Caitlin survived. Oh, they're really they rely on me and the subway. No one about bothered Oh no shit. Yeah, someone. Oh, what is Caitlin look like? Can I see here Caitlin? What? We have I'm gonna bring out your phone. I have a lot of pictures of her But yeah, I know or do I know her? I know her okay So make sure you go check it out and you got an album coming out. Where is she? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she fucking yeah. Oh my god. Is that your wife?

It's my girlfriend. Are you gonna marry her? Come on. Yeah, hurry up. You are. Yeah. I mean, I she I she know Well, she knows that because it's her plan, but yeah lock her down to listen to me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah before some her career takes off You can open for her dude That's nice. Yeah, if she gets heat you done. I know she wants a guy. She wants a guy who doesn't get spit on I know she's like I want to do me not Did you go home at night anyways? So make sure you check him out. Call him what do you get buddy?

Check out my podcast, the column, Teryl podcast is available everywhere. I'm also on the road with Dad Me podcast, which is Tim Bartley and Mike Rainey. We got dates coming up in Detroit, Cleveland. If you're listening right now, we're in Cleveland this Friday. We added a late show because the first show,

so all day long. Then we've got dates coming up in Texas, awesome Houston, San Antonio. Just loads more dates coming up. And I'm also on the road myself, solo, and just follow me on social media, act, column, terrel across all social media platforms to get any of those dates.

There you go. There you go. Check them out, both these guys. We're going, we're not done. So if you're listening, we're gonna keep keep going. I'm going to plug my day train now. We're going to be going over the patreon.com.sas.river. Kelly. We're going to be talking about Gilbert Godfrey. We're going to be talking about Bill Burr, where he's doing his new special. And you have a cat. Yeah. Oh, right. We're going to be talking about his cat.

Oh, wow. And we got fans from the questions for these two. And mush, I think is gonna come over and join us. If you want, you want to come over mush? All right, set it up. Robacadalype.com for all my dates. I mean, this weekend will be past, correct? Yes. Well, watch and live. I'm at the comics roadhouse, one of my favorite clubs to go to this weekend, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

And then, is that it? And that's it, right? Till my special. I'm gonna be Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. I will be here at the Comedy Cell, a pussycat lounge on Tuesday, running my special and Wednesday at the pussycat bar, running my special.

And then the next day I go to Florida, and then on Saturday, I film my special two shows at Coastal Creative. I wanna thank the guys at Coastal Creative, they are amazing. Florida and then on Saturday I film my special two shows at Costa Creative. I want to thank the guys at Costa Creative. They are amazing. They're really helping us out and hooking us up. And it's such a great space to shoot stuff in. Young comics, old comics, look it up. My special is going to be great. The great Louis CK is directing it. And I am very excited about it. It's just an epic, it's gonna be an epic night.

So, Superstar Theater, Resort, Casino, Atlantic City, those guys are great, the Atlantic City Comedy Club, I'm going back down there, Uncle Vinny's industry lounge off the hook comedy club, just for laughs, nasty show is back, I'm so excited, Versailles comedy, I mean, look, I got dates all over the place, baby. All the way to September, robacadalive.com comedy wearables.com. Use code word ladybugs. Get all your favorite stuff. We got all kinds of stuff up there from all

kinds of comics you love. But my YKWD stuff is up there. Go get that use code word ladybugs. Make sure also what are we else else, we gotta plug anything? Um, I think that's it. Mike V. Sora's at joke Russell, the cheese show, and new Nikki, check it out, and don't watch this and not subscribe. Subscribe, share, send it to people, spread the word. Uh, uh, well, how come, uh, fucking,

this, I love this podcast, it's supposed to tell other people, man, get it over. That's your job. My job is done. done see you next week go to patreon.com says Robert Kelly right now for more show all right stick around it's not over yet this episode of YKWD is continuing now exclusively on patreon.com slash Robert Kelly see you there. What is your special coming out? Where is it coming out?

The new one. Where is it gonna be? Yeah, no, I know you're recording in Florida. I'm saying where you're gonna release it? Louis site. Oh yeah. Wow. That's great.

That's the plan. We'll see what happens. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But with me, you know what I mean? Louis doing fine. He's got a girlfriend, he's happy.

Anyways, yeah, his special just won a Grammy, which was great. That special is great. Yeah, I mean great. That was a great special. His new set is even better than the old one. Dude, he had a joke the other night. I was fucking, I was like, wow.

Like his brain is working on all cylinders yeah on stand-up comedy right now good yeah I know he was doing the shows and the movies and stuff like that he was great no he's great but now he's literally focusing everything on stand-up and that's a dangerous man yeah very dangerous man Malaney did that so cool Malaney was fired or whatever and then he was able to like his best Malaney is a tough guy but don't ever bring him up when I'm talking about the week. You hate Melaney? No, I love him but I don't want to talk about him. No, I'm kidding. He's great. He's a killer. He's always been a killer. Yeah. I got questions for you guys from

the fans. Oh great. Well listen, thanks for hanging in there everybody watching and on Patreon. I want to thank you for supporting me on there too. Real quick, do we have any names this week? No. Yeah, we do. We have names. Yeah, but we'll do at the end. Oh, okay. I want to thank my sponsor, my business tiered sponsor. If you're a local business and you want to be sponsored on the Patreon part of this and to the fans, if you want to be out, you can go there and you join the Patreon tier, the sponsor to Business Small Business tier and we'll read you a little ad on the show.

That's all I have to do. A Gunther Log Group is one of those people. And in this whole pandemic, if you learn anything, you should learn that you need a will. You need some type of power of attorney directive to your family to tell them what to do if something happens. If you're dying and one of the worst things ever is do we pull the plug or don't we pull the plug. What do you want? What do you want done? Where do you want your money to go? Where do you want the estate to go to? It rips

families apart. It really does. You leave a house and a bunch of belongings and shit to brothers and sisters, you could end fucking families if you don't tell them what to do. And Gunter Law Group will take care of that. So you can give her a call, contact Kyler Gunter at Gunter Law Group for a free 30 minute concert. That's 30 minutes.

She'll talk to you about what the hell is the best thing for you. Consultation to discuss your options. Go to Gunter. Loggroup.com, email Kyla directly at cacyla at Gunter. Loggroup.com or just call it 6-8-2-2-41967 set up your consultation today. If you mention YKWD, she'll knock off 25% offer for fee. That's pretty epic.

Get it done today. Don't put your family members through that bullshit. Have peace of mind, have a will, and let people know what you want to do with your estate. Okay, this is a legal advertisement, and it's not intended to be a specific legal advice. Oh yeah. All right, we're gonna read the names now.

I gotta read the names, so no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, all right, we're gonna read the names now. I got to read the names of the new the paper I'll be you be yeah, I got to read the name of the new patreon people My my friend Nikki new Nikki's gonna bring those up right now. I want to thank all the paid new nickel I hope you guys enjoyed this extra half. We went way fucking too long tonight I knew it was gonna happen with these two because I They're fucking hilarious and fun. So I want to read these with me column you read them in an Irish broke hilarious and fun. So I want to read these with me. Column, you read them in an Irish broke. Young, Crid, no address, $10 per month. Legend. Good man. That's good. Wait, was Michael Smith only five? I'm not alright. Skip. No. I stace in Mason. Yeah. No address, $10 per month. You say the no address. That's all right. I like it. Good

You go Stephen Stephen Kerwin 10 pounds 10 euros. Yeah, I love you. What's up? Oh, that's your That's a euro American Jason Phipps. Yeah, no dress five bucks. Yeah, Francis Wagner no address $ per month. I want to thank you guys so much for becoming members Hope you guys enjoying all the content we put up there me and most you're gonna be putting more stuff up there Nikki is running the fucking show over here kicking ass. Nikki's great. The Joe Russell is gone For the week, but he will be back next week. Oh, did you take some photos Nikki? Oh, yeah All right, she's fucking great. I we're gonna do a little thing with you guys

after if you don't mind. Make sure you plug your stuff if you want right now real quick. Yeah, I have an album coming out May 6th called Before He Was Super. I have a podcast called Panic Attacking. It's really fun and- There's a camera looking right at you.

Oh, yeah, I don't, oh, hi. Stephen Rogers. Hold on. Look at that. Just say right there. Okay, all of't oh, hi. Stephen Rogers old time. Yeah, just say right there. Okay, all of it all over again. Yeah, okay, into the camera. Oh god, you not want to be in this business.

I do want to be in it so badly. Can I start? I was called before he was super. It comes out me six. My podcast called Panic Attacking. It's funny and Stephen Rogers company on Instagram. And say I got a big dick. Before you was super, it comes out basics. My podcast is called Panic Attacking. It's funny. And Steve and Roger's comedy on Instagram.

And say I got a big dick. Do you have the cheat? Yeah. Yeah. And I've got a big dick. I call him. What do you got? Where's your camera?

I think it's right there. Just check out the column tarot podcast. It's available everywhere that you get podcasts. Thank you. Well, I mean, he came in hot funny. You weren't you and hilarious. This guy's selling fucking insurance. It's a four hour show.

Come here. Come here. I'm sobering up. Mike V. Schwartz check him out. He's going to be work with me tomorrow night. You're doing right? Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow night.

But yeah, you can do your dates. Of course you can. This weekend, to be work with me tomorrow night. You're doing right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tomorrow night. But okay. I mean it's yeah, you can do your dates. Of course you can this weekend. I'll be with Dennis Papas at the Madison Improv. Right. Be with Big J next month at the laugh of Lent Antonio. Nice. And with Dan Soder at Sidesblitters later that month as well. Awesome. He's kicking ass. Bush is on the road. Bein funny. He was on me tonight. He did great. And of course, go to marbakeelive.com for all my dates. You guys are the best fans of the world. New Nicky's behind the board right now.

Thank you, Nicky. And that's about it. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What The... Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad.

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