Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Talking Fat with Joe DeRosa

Episode Date: October 13, 2010

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What's up, Robert Kelly with the podcast. Sitting here with Joe DeRosa. Gonna do another podcast. And that is the new theme song of the podcast made by Joe DeRosa himself. So you know what dude. theme song right yeah? Jota Rosa made that because he's multi fucking talented and We're sitting in Joe's apartment. We're gonna do a little podcast here I'm about to go on the road for a month. So I want to get a couple of these in I get Jota Rosa and I'll be doing Colin Quinn this week too and So yeah, Joe you wrote that song for me, for my birthday. Yeah. Yeah.

How do you make it play like loop it just in the background? Can you do that? I don't know how to do that on my iTunes. I guess with this one. Right here, right there. Yeah, right there. Hit that. And then just hit play.

And we'll bring it down. There we go. Let's just have that in the background. Okay. Oh You stink you really got me down Joe and I don't like it The background So I was sitting here dude my new app came out. It's out. It's out dude number one today on Entertainment Number one today on entertainment genre on iTunes. That's shit.

Yeah, it's great. It's got fucking, I think it's in the top 100 apps. It's awesome. It's fucking pretty good, yeah. It's great. It's great. So a lot of people have gotten it. Everybody seems to like it.

All the reviews are fucking great. It's awesome. And it's, I'm actually writing an article right now To uh called the death of the website Because the website I mean is really if you have a website do you go to it? No? If you had an app on your phone would you go to it? To my own website if you're on app Yeah, I don't know I guess so right. I don't know What are we gonna do on my own website? It's not a website. It's an app

Yeah, what would I do? I mean I would go to it to update things Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, that's what you do That's a deal. I'm not saying to go just look at your shit that you nose up there Who will your website you go there and your update shit and put stuff up there? Yeah, I The fucking website is It's dead It's a fucking dead. I mean it's like the cassette tape of the internet. I mean Ten years ago I had I had one of the first websites out there believe it or not even before dinkook I had a website I actually made my own website on AOL, I did my own FTP

FTP space. It was just a photo with a bio, a shitty bio that I wrote, and then a guest book where people could leave comments. And I would read the guest books. And literally comics, other comics got on the guest book, Burr, Norton, Keith Robinson, Dane, but under fucking aliases and they trashed each other. They just made fun of each other. And it was fucking brutal, dude. Like, they would leave two page letters on my guest book

about what a shitty fucking scumbag. And nobody knew who anybody was except for me. I knew who everybody. No one was mr. Aids I think Billy was fucking scoff gain was the owner and Keith was KWR superstar I I remember KWR superstar dude these guys would go there and fucking trash people and trash each other and trash me they would fucking kill me That's nice. Oh, it was fucking it was it was brutal, but I had people go to that website every day

I Mean hundreds of people would be like dude. This is the funniest shit. I've ever read on the internet This was 12 years ago maybe 10 12 years ago and like Norton would call me up and they're fucking dude This is fuck this is crazy like Norton would call me up and they'd fucking dude, this is crazy. Like Dane would call me up and like dude, I can't, I'm obsessed with this shit. And like, they would really, like Norton would fucking be like Bob Kelly's comedy is as funny as child rape

with half the laughs. And how it ended, Dane actually set up a fucking fake account, And how it ended, Dane actually set up a fucking fake account, protecting children on the internet account company with a number, a logo and everything. It started emailing me that they're going to sue me and put me in jail and find me $10,000. If I don't take all the swears off and all the terrible shit against children off day, I literally kept on through it and like editing swears out and then I was like, I finally was like, fuck it. They kept sending me stuff.

And I finally was like, fuck you. Do whatever you gotta do. I just took it off. I year later, Dane told me it was him. Oh, God. What a scumbag. That's me, man. Oh, dude, that was fucking me.

He was just like, dude, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take, because I was up all night for days writing a perfect letter because if you wrote the wrong word I miss you'd be trash by the other guy but I mean I've had the fucking craziest websites ever. I mean I think somebody said it arose Ben Bailey Robert Kelly website is more famous than him Because I had fucking websites dude where I literally me walked across the top of the screen I remember that you punched the ground. No, I'd hit like shoot. I hit the microphone and little balls would shoot out

It was crazy. I remember that and I had an animated website I had a I had intros to my website that would fucking rival any MTV video out there with like God smack and fucking just crazy raw it was stupid and but now it's I mean look my website is an HTML is no flash to basic website and I never go to it I never go to it it's fucking dead because everybody has a fucking smartphone in their pocket. Everybody has a smartphone and everybody wants an app. Right. And right in your hand. Why would you, you know, if you can plug it into your car, listen to my podcast on your fucking way to work, you can fucking check my shit out on a train, you can fucking find my

date right in your hand. Why would you go home and sit in a fucking shitty, uncomfortable cluttered desk that most people have in their apartments, that shitty area? Can we, all right, can we talk about something? We aren't talking about something. But can I interject with something? Yeah, absolutely. Two things. Two things?

Two things. But not be three. It's two. All right, go ahead. Number one, I don't like that your website 12 years ago is more advanced to my website now. What do you have like just a photo?

The page that I can put date and comment on, like wait one comment telling people what's going on. That's fantastic, I got it. Because I was too cheap to get a win today. To have somebody do it. You couldn't spend the grand on some college student that's fucking ITT technical. I fucking do you. Let me mark it. Oh, $200 I think to do it. Looks good. Looks good, but it's real. He was like, all right, this is what it costs to do this stuff. And I was like, all right, we're going to forget all that stuff. Actually you're ahead

of the times. Yeah. You're actually what a website basically should be now. It's just a fucking page with your face and where you're gonna be. I have a throwback website. What's number two? Number two is before we started taping the podcast you were telling me about this tour you're doing in Canada and how you have to be reasonably clean on the tour. You can't say the F at the tour. You have said fuck more times in this eight minutes than I think I've ever heard a human being say it. It's I'm fucked. I'm fucked on this tour. went down to the cell last night to try to do a set, a 15-minute set without saying fuck.

And it looked, it's like, dude, it's, it's fucking kills me, man. It kills, because the word fuck just comes out of my mouth so, just beautifully. It just flows out of me. And then when I try to fucking, you know, not say something, I was like, I was talking when we were talking about Bill Cosby himself, as special, and I'm watching him, and he's even talking about dirty talk,

and he's doing that filled, flar and filled, you know, parents don't wanna swear in front of that. You don't wanna, you know, but you still get to express it, flar and flilt and flark and flark and Phil, you know, parents don't want to swear in front of that. You don't want to, you know, but you still get to express it. Flark and Phil, and Flark and Flark and he said fuck 97 times but didn't say fuck once. And it was still funny. If I did that, I'd look like a fucking pervert.

Flark and flark and flark. Oh, I'm fit this tour. I hope I don't get kicked off. I'll probably want to home in a week. I'm just this tour. I hope I don't get kicked off. I'll probably want to home in a week. Just ruin everything. Oh man, that, you know, look, I feel bad that you lost out on the tour, but I'd be happy to see you back here. I'm really at a loss. Bobby and I have been for the last three weeks, every day drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes together at the be, you know, at the every morning.

And uh, we live two blocks away from each other. Yeah, I kind of know what I'm going to do over the next month. We got Morgan Murphy. She works. She writes all day and fell and I can't do morning stuff with her. Yeah. Let's say, actually get up in the morning. Morning, by the way, to us is 1230. Yeah. It was like actually get up in the morning. Morning, by the way, to us is 1230. Yeah. Except today, when I woke up with fucking diarrhea. Oh, why don't

you, why don't you tell everybody why? Well, first of all, me and Joe, just let you know that he's sitting in front of a half-eaten honey bun as we say. Which just hunks a garbage when it comes to food. I mean, we went to this new sub shop, this new sandwich place, a Portuguese sandwich place that just opened up and unable. We live over in Hell's Kitchen and Hell's Kitchen in the last five years has become just insane. I mean, the restaurants here are crazy. They're just open up the best little boutique fucking crazy cheese shops and pizza places and you know

Colombian restaurants and And we went to this place yesterday and as soon as I go to a new place and it's amazing the first person I take there's Derosa so first person I call it over my wife. I'm she's like you're gonna call Joe because I know you enjoy food As much as I do yeah, we both bit into the sandwiches yesterday and we're like that fat-and-ers-zimmerment on bizarre foods where our heads go back and we snap and chop and we both go oh my god oh and our eyes roll back and our fat heads like oh my god oh we're like we're tasting the covenant of the fucking art. This is amazing. The most amazing, the dumb sandwich. We ordered three.

This is how gay we are too. We did havesies. Yeah, we did havesies. Well wait, we didn't order two, one each, which is normal. Yeah, and we traded halves and we ate that. Plus we got these chips or whatever with it and we just we just house these sandwiches which by the way we got extra meat on both we often

we ask for extra meat so we eat the sandwiches and we're sitting there and then and then you're just do thank God we're not into drugs because you'd be the guy that gives us the OD because you go why don't we get why don't we get the panchetta one dead come on let's get a third one all right the reason why gives us the OD because you go, why don't we get the panchetta one, dude, come on, let's get a third one. I was like, all right. The reason why is because the panchetta was the one I got the day before,

I've been there two days in a row. And that was, it was like the best BLT. Portuguese panchetta is amazing. It's hot, it's like eating fucking bacon butter on a... It's like, like, if bacon was ham, that's what it takes like, if... I think it is ham. But you know what I mean? If bacon was...

If you had a piece of bacon that was the consistency of ham... Oh my God. That's what it takes. That's so good. And I had to try it. I already know the lady's first name. I got to pitch it with the chef at the Columbia University. I'm just a fatty.

If we could book... If we could write a show, just Fatsos that was on every, it's the hit Fatsos show, we could just stay in between each scene, just be a craft services, plowing down M&Ms and twizzlers and fucking honey buns. How great is that? We should, because that's what I was thinking.

When we eat food, it's like man versus food, except there's no cameras yes there's no payoff it's just two guys eating that one and food never wins food never beats us there's no entertainment nothing we're just doing it in our private lives so it gets kind of you know it gets a little sad it's it's fucking sad it really it's food this is the thing to the I I knew yesterday is that I usually when I'm depressed and bad shit happened, I'll fuck I'll say fuck it. And I'll eat and I also eat one great shit happens. I re I reward myself when great shit happens. That's how that's how that's the

death the essence of addiction. Yeah. good or bad you have to fucking reward yourself with whether it be sex Fucking getting drunk fucking doing some coke on our case food Just fucking food. I really am, dude. I my friend of mine said to me a couple months back He was like dude. He goes food really is your drug. I was staying with him in Atlanta. We're working on some stuff together and Yeah, like the third day and he goes dude food's really your drug, man He's like you really get like excited about it. You plan around it like It's clearly like an activity and a reward to you like he wasn't saying it to be me I'm just fucking absolute true. There's nothing like the roast that come over my house for dinner

Because you always bring some like fucking sopasada, some cheese, olives, you'll go to the like a unique cheese shop and just get the best shit, bring it over and then you slice it up perfectly, you put it on a plate and then we sit, oh it's great, you know, Norton or somebody comes over and they just bring their fucking shitty torso and sit down and wait for my wife to feed him. Yeah, that's funny. But we do the holidays in my family. That's always my job is like,

you know, everybody does something to contribute. My job is always with dervs, so you get cheese and pepperoni and all that, you know, vegetables, dip all that shit. And there's definitely been a couple of times where, you know, I've done all that shit. And there have definitely been a couple times where, you know, I've done this a bunch, so I know what people aren't gonna eat. There's been a couple times where I get a huge or derp,

and I know I'm the only one that's gonna eat it. I was like, no, I was just like that, Russ Manit. He's a food, I mean, he's shredded now. I think he eats like 1200 calories a day, six days a week, and then on that seventh day, he goes ballistic. We went to, we went, Morgan Murphy took,

she got, we went to the Yankees game. Right. Morgan works at NBC, she writes for Founts, so somehow, some way, she literally got Lauren Michaels seats. He didn't, he couldn't go, she's, somehow she got the tickets. She's like, dude, we're going to the city Yankees, we're sitting behind on play and there's a multi-level restaurant in Yankee Stadium that people with these seats get to go to. So like, all right,

we walk in, Maniv goes with us, we walk in, there's two literally lobster, steak, sushi stations, There's literally lobster steak sushi stations shrimp crab legs. Oh first thing Me and my name were like forget the game like let's eat. Yeah, fuck the game. We sit down, dude I was eating lobster tails and steak shrimp and crab legs Then I go up and get a platter sushi Russ gets a platter sushi then he goes up and gets crab legs and shit We walk outside. He goes. oh man, I'm tired. Are you tired? It's got to be the heat.

And I was like, yeah, Russ, you think it's the heat? You think it's that we just ate dinner twice at 12 o'clock in the afternoon? Do we ate so much, man? Dude, I went to the Apollo's barbecue with him. This is how psycho he is. He went to a bakery and got some of the best baked good items ever. He clears and just chocolate, brownie, German fucking cake, lobster

tails, which is like a fluffy pastry with cream filling and nuts. He got them all, okay, probably $30 worth of pastries. Put them in his backpack, okay? So the box, the pastries would actually fall on top of themselves. It was like 90 degrees out. They melted together. He brought them into the party. It was a mess. He opened the box.

It was just disgusting. Everything was mixed into everything. I go, nobody wanted anything to do with it. I go into the kitchen to go to the bathroom, so I walk in the kitchen. I see him with his hand, his bare hand, reaching into this fucking moshpai and eating all the pastries. But I call them all, like, dude, you need help. He's like, I know, I'm fucked.

He's got chocolate all over his mouth. He's alone at a barbecue and someone else's kitchen, eating the pastries that he brought, that nobody else eats. I left, I come back, I peek around the corner, he's got a fucking whole chocolate piece of cake in his hand, like just mushed in his hand, stuffing it in his face. Oh my god. Do you think he sabotaged the pastries? Absolutely. You know you don't put a fucking box of pastries.

You have to carry pastries like it's a fucking kidney. You can't throw it in your backpack and then put your backpack on. Jesus God man. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I've been there though. Food is a mother fucking man. It's a fucking, I mean, it's terrible, man. I can't. It's the one thing. I kicked drugs. I kicked alcohol. I've been doing great with sex.

But you know, you could all that shit and the only thing that left is food. And I've had food. Last night after we ate, I went home late night and had Chinese food and fucking, and then dawn didn't finish her pastime. I Fucking finished her at that time and then I ate a truffle. Dude, let me think about a night One night I had that just laid it all out like this is your life. These are your flaws

Years ago me and this guy Craig Baldo. It's a comic and he's a buddy of mine We're out at comics and and we do the show, and we meet these two chicks, and we start drinking with these chicks, and we get bombs with these chicks. So like, let's go back to my place. We bring the chicks back here. Yeah.

He's on the recliner, making out one of them. I'm gonna catch me, making out with the other one. The recliner breaks because given this chick are like we want to run out of it The chicks get up they go we got a leave they leave me and we're just sitting here like Just whacked I got you hungry dude. He's like yeah I got I got Chinese food dude. I pulled out all this leftover Chinese food We didn't even put it in plates or anything. We laid it on the counter and we were just eating it with our hands Ven y vive la emoción de la Navidad con Yfema Madrid. Malinte, guá, Juvenalia, Círclasica, oro viejo,

Christmas by Starlight, Bres y muchos más para disfrutar con familia y amigos. La Navidad cobra vida con Yfema Madrid. Entre en Yfema.es y compra tu entrada. Y Fema Madrid, siente la inspiración. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo I was just like, I had to go out of life together. What am I doing? I had a lady at Wawa in the middle of Pennsylvania. You know what Wawa is? Dude, you can't me do it. I live on it when I go home.

That's my shit. I had a lady at Wawa at three in the morning, stop me and give me a talking to because I had around $30 worth of meat in a cup. Cause I was on this no carb thing, so I just got the meat, like meatballs and the turkey. Anything meat I had her put in a cup. I'm walking out, she goes,

sir, can I talk to you? I go, yeah, what's up? She goes, you want to like a diet or something? And I go, yeah, yeah. She goes, do you understand how much meat you have? Like, that's not good for your heart. But she's like, I've had a heart attack and I had to lose weight. This is bad for you, sorry.

She was trying to talk me out of... It's hilarious. Dude, I just said fuck, I went back to my shitty hotel with a fucking spork and ate it all. And then the next day I was at another college, I went out at 11, got Chinese food, and ate Chinese food off of my belly. My fats, I put a towel over my stomach, and I, dude, I've been in so many fucked up.

It's terrible. It's a fucking drug, man. It's a drug. Dude, you know, it's like weird. I have that bit in my act about like how food is a drug and I try to give scenarios but people don't get it like there's still people like fat people you can see or people with weight problems or whatever and I'm not talking obese I'm talking that fat that just hangs over you about the uncomfortable insecure fat that you just

can't get rid of because you're stuffing your face right you know and you can still see these certain people just don't get it it's they just can't get rid of because you're stuffing your face. Right. You know, and you can still see these certain people just don't get it. They just don't get it. They don't understand fat in America kills more people than fucking drugs and alcohol. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you go to Europe, you get a Coke. It's like this little bitty Coke. You go to get a cup of coffee. It's a small cup of coffee.

But it's the best cup of coffee you've ever had. You go to America. It's the shittiest coffee ever, but it's in a gallon container. Everything is fucking huge and big here. We're fucked, dude. That's that movie. What was the movie, uh, Wally, where humans who just got so fat that they just, they had chairs. I didn't see Wally.

Dude, the movie was based on this little robot fuck all that Humans got so fat and disgusting that they just lie down all the time in chairs that floated around It was I was like what that I want to fly around chair. Oh my god. I was I was lying on the couch Louis all day for two days just depressed lying there and just moving my head I didn't move don was like what the fuck are you doing? I was like I'm practicing to be a thousand pounds You want to know what's embarrassing all right, so there's there's me and my buddy chip. We do this too when I go home We just that's all we do is that's our activity. It's like we eat. So, two times, one time we went to Carnegie Dellie, he went into the bathroom. I ordered so much food that we were gonna take it back here

to eat it. I swear to God, I think I wasn't trying to be funny. He goes, what is there about five of you right now? And I go, no, he goes four, no, three, two. There's two of us I go Jesus And at another time there's this place called In naran's down Pennsylvania. They have these things called zaps. Yeah You never know that you got it. You ever gonna if we ever got a Pennsylvania together

We'll I'll get you a zip dude. Oh, it's provolone cheese, salami, oil, oregano. We're all on unit to make it. Dude, it's the greatest sandwich ever. It's so good. Oh my God, it's perfect. So this is place Eves and specializes in zeps. But then they have all kinds of different zaps. They have like two zaps and cheese steaks zaps.

And you know, so like Eves, you don't pay until you're done. You order and you walk up to the register and they just trust you that you're gonna tell them what you ate. Dude, we sat there one day, we go up to the register to pay, that dudes like, would you have, I swear to God, dude, I'm like, medium zap, uh-huh, medium zap, uh-huh, tuna zap, uh-huh,

cheese steaks up, uh-huh, large bag of tits, uh-huh, three iced tea. Uh-huh. Three iced tea. Uh-huh. Uh-oh. We had a couple of those tasty cakes. Dude, the dude just stopped bringing us something. He goes, you guys were hungry. It's like, yeah, this wasn't a special occasion. We just, just sat there and just barreled. This is something that makes you feel good, man. It makes you feel all right, just being full. It's like a hug. Yeah, it's like a hug.

Well, I'll tell you what makes you feel bad. When you're sitting in a sandwich up in Narston, Pennsylvania, where food is cheap, it's not like getting in New York, and you're full, and your bill is $40. And you're like, do we just spend $40 in a fucking insure way? $40 and you're like, do we just spend $40 in a fucking Seria Shit, yeah dude, food is a motherfucker. It's it it owns my life. It really fucking so sad, but you know what? I don't I have nothing I don't have nothing dude. I said you know I stopped caring

I am you know what I stopped caring? I am, but you have a different body frame, which you get fat, but you can't tell because you're tall and thin. So you only can tell that you're a mess is if you take your shirt off. That's when you're a mess. Dude, I get, I'm kind of stalky.

I have that fucking original superman barrel chest. I can, I just get fat. My face gets fat. How, two weeks and you're like, ugh, what happened to you? And I, but I can lose it in two weeks. Right. Which sucks, dude. No, that's, that's bad.

I know what you mean, where you're like, if I just eat right for two weeks, it's gone. Yeah, the blow does gone and fucking, but dude, I, the way my fat is, it's just, you can tell. But you know what's good about that, though? Here's the pro to that. Nothing. No, no, no, here's the pro to that.

What she sees, what you get. Do you know how many times I bring a girl home? And we're like, it's like getting heavy, and I take her shirt off, and she doesn't take my shirt off because she's close enough down. She realizes I don't wanna see this. I thought I wanted to see this, I don't. She's fucking the fact check.

Yeah. Dude, I can't tell you how many times it happened. Well, I'm gonna tell you how many times I show what a comedy club and girls are like, that's not you in the photo. It was me six months ago, it was me six months ago was I should just take a fat photo of me now and have them use that and then when I show up if I'm thin that's a bonus. I have video of you over there I don't even know if you know I have

this. No I don't. But when I was in I wish it's still at a VCR because I don't even know a video but when I was in college I used to book the comedians at my school. I worked for the student board. So New York Entertainment, which for those of you guys that don't know, there's a guy Matt Frost and there was a guy Brian Billig. They used to work for Barry Katz. Yeah. For Barry Katz as Dean Cook's Manager, it was called New York Entertainment.

Barry Katz eventually went on and did his own thing with management, but Frosty and Billings still had New York Entertainment. And what they did was they booked comics and colleges. That was their specialty. So when they wanted you to book their guys, they'd send you videotapes, reels of everybody, right? So I have reels of you, Norton, Keith, Dane, J. Moore, all the guys that

work with him in your first, all of your first TV sets, dude, right? All your first tapes. I have a tape of you from Caroline's, oh my god, before you even had a TV set to send out. Yeah. It's just a tape of Caroline's on dude. You look like John Ling was on Oh gorgeous. And it's take gorgeous. You're you're fit. gorgeous. Yeah, you got the hat on. Oh my god. Yeah, you look like John like was on Oh, I just have people in New York stop me and say they love my work. When he was doing freaks on Broadway. And I used to just accept the compliments. I was gorgeous to it. I had beautiful curly hair. I was just shredded, gorgeous body. I was just awesome dude. And the fucking pussy I

used to get was just incredible. I had a girl, a stripper. I was such in shape at one point in those days. She wanted me to start stripping with her. For like girl parties, she wanted me to be the male stripper. That's how fucking good looking I was. Now I'd be, I'm a fetish. You have to like bald fat guys who are hot and cold. For girls to like me. I think I got one more, I got one more shot at me though. That's the thing though. You got, if you lost your weight, I can get shredded. I can fucking, I can get fucking cut, like muscle and shit. I was there fucking last year, dude.

I have a picture of me. It's incredible. I was like, I was in spitting distance of fucking being there. I had four abs, and the bottom one was coming in. I was right there, and I let it all go. And I remember when I let it go, I was in Dallas and I just stopped working out. I was like, I was just so stressed out and so fucked up. I just stopped going to the gym. And I was going to the gym five, six days a week

and eating clean. And then I just stopped and I haven't really been back since. What was your first meal you're like, I'm done. Jimmy's? Jimmy Jones sandwiches. Jimmy Jones sandwiches. Yeah, Italian. It's at number five with extra meat. It was the best fucking sandwich I've ever had.

I fucking ate two of them. I got one and then I ordered another one. And I was dumb. I was dumb. Dude, I remember once I stopped eating meat for a couple months. Yeah. Which is dumb. I don't ever do that.

I stopped eating meat for a few months. Dude, I was eating all veggies. I was, you know, I was probably healthy. Yeah. And I just hit this day where I was like, I'm not doing this anymore, dude. I went to Burger King and I got two whoppers with cheese. And it dude, it was literally like an iron man when he comes back from being a hostage.

I was like, I want to cheese my bird. He's pulling him out of his pocket. Do my favorite part of the movie. When he pulls out the cheese burger, it's the way he's eating it. I want to fucking do that. Oh my God. Dude, it was a mess.

Dude, I'll tell you who else is a little fatty too, but he works out so much and he eats clean, he eats clean a lot of day, can put some food down. I remember we were on that tour dude. He, I was telling about McDonald's and like, oh I go to McDonald's and I just get frustrated because you always get down to that last French fry and they're gone.

Even the large fry, the extra is a super size fry. You always get down and it's like, you could have done a few more fries. He's like, dude, do what I do. He goes, I go in and I get three orders of large fries. And as soon as I get them, I just empty them into the bag that they come in and shut the bag.

Salted, shake it, shut the bag. He goes, you'll never eat all of them, but they'll never, you'll never want, want for another fry. So one night we're on, we were really eating healthy on the tour and working out, but one night we, shit think it was told the driver going to the fucking plane. Stopped him at Donald's, he pulled in. We're in front of the fucking ordering station out there in the drive-through and we're just looking at each other like, should we do this? And then I just turn slowly and sadly towards the microphone I go, can I have six orders of large fries, two quarter pounders with cheese, and then he wanted, I think he got, I

got double quarter pounders with cheese, two of them. We got two Sundays and two shakes. Oh my God. We were on the plane just me and him on a fucking G5, just me and him lying down watching, I think it was Terminator 2 eating it was one of the best experiences I've had up there with the best two some I've had with broads the best head I mean up there with that excitement and the fries never ended dude I didn't finish them but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever done I love to the level of white trash you guys brought on two of the fanciest plane in the

world like you're the classiest plane, you could be like, we're doing this old school. We could have literally anything we wanted. We could have anything, prime rib. Whatever you wanted, you just told the guy here on the day when the plane dropped you off. This is what we want for dinner on the flight tonight. You could have anything, and it was pretty much like Chick-fil-A.

I remember one day, you ever have Chick-fil-A? Did. Chick-fil-A is the flight tonight. You could have anything. And it was pretty much like Chick-fil-A. I remember one day. You have had Chick-fil-A? Dude. Chick-fil-A is the fucking best. This is how much I love food. I get angry. Because I grew up in Pennsylvania. Yeah. I get angry that they don't have Chick-fil-A and Wawa in New York. They have Chick-fil-A and Ming and Wauw. I heard it stinks though. I heard there's only one in the system.

There's another one in Paramus. 30 minutes away in the Paramis Mall. And you know how I know that? I rented a car one way. Sixty-eight dollars. I drove there. I drove to the mall and got Chick-fil-A and brought it home. Oh my god. I drove around 20 minutes looking for a parking spot. Here's a Chick-fil-A fact for you that you might not know. There are Christian or Catholic owned companies that are closed on Sunday. Yeah. The food court in the mall where I grew up had a Chick-fil-A. Do you have how many times I've been standing in that food court? And the gate is down in front of the only Chick-fil-A on a Sunday and I was literally screaming and cursing. I would forget. Do you know good you have to be to close on a Sunday and I was literally screaming and cursing. I would forget. Do you know, good you have to be to close on a Sunday in a mall.

There's two days in the weekend that people definitely go to the mall, Saturday and Sunday. And Chick-fil-A is so balzy, so fucking good. They know, you know what? We're gonna go pray. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, that's what they do.

Dude, I met a guy after a show that owned a Chick-fil-A or owns. Yeah. Gave me his card. He goes dude you ever in Virginia come by I was like dude I don't need to know that. Yeah. Don't don't. Just just just go. A waffle fry. You chicken McNuggets with the Polynesian sauce. Dude I did a college this year. We get there it's me, Pete Holmes and Amy Schumer right and we get there and the's main Pete Holmes and Amy Schumer, right? And we get there and the guy goes, the student body guy goes, you guys hungry? We're like, yeah.

What do you got? He goes, oh, there's a food court over there. We all, what's in the food? You know, you're just waiting for the shit. He goes, there's a Chick-fil-A, and we all shut up, dude, are you serious? So Pete and Amy were like, well, we don't know if we want Chick-fil-A, I go, guys, take us to the Chick-fil-A.

What can we get? Whatever you want, it's on us. Dude, I got boxes and boxes of those nuggets. We sat there. I was the only one eating them. Like, you got sure you don't want them? They're like, now we're trying to get right. They had one each.

They're like, go get some more of these fucking nuggets. Right, now. Dude, we had the whole spread of sauces out there? Those nuggets are so good. On that fucking tour one day, I just brought up Chick-fil-A. Dan had his fucking assistant go out and bring back 20 Chick-fil-A sandwiches, 20 fucking boxes of nuggets, 20 waffle fries, and around 150 dipping sauce, Polynesian. We sat in the dressing room before the show.

I remember this Richard, this fucking guy, friend of mine, friend of dance, gay guy, in LA. Never had a Chick-fil-A sandwich. I remember seeing him, he was Indian style on the floor, mayonnaise all around his little greasy lips on his fifth Chick-fil-A sandwich. This is wonderful. I've never had a sandwich like this. Dude, it's so good. It was the most beautiful, grossest thing I've ever seen in my life. Ram, hold on, two things, but remind me.

I don't like that you always have two things. Because I got my heads going. All right, I'll have. I got my thing here. All right, yeah, two things. Just remind me, just taste. Just remind me to say taste. Taste, right?

Go ahead. Not now. I wouldn't say this one at the first, because it's worth it. Go ahead. The, I had a buddy in this is something first, because it's worth it. Go ahead. I got it. I got a buddy in college.

You know Chick-fil-A's got catering platters. Yeah. Going, you spent 30 bucks, you get a tray of nuts. Yes. My buddy in college, you know what's he going to fatso, dude? We should hang out with this guy when he comes to town. He used to get the catering platter from Chick-fil-A. He used for himself.

And he goes, you would, it and put it in his fridge. And he'd go, yeah, I like it, man. You know what I always think I got walked by in the fridge. I reach him. And he would just do that throughout the day as he treats him. The other thing he does, he would get, he would get a meat lover's pizza at Pizza Hut, put it in the back seat of his car. He's hooked on Diet Coke, he gets the literally, you know the jumbo thing at 7-11, he gets that, fills up with Diet Coke,

he straps, which is, yeah. The fat, I don't know why fat people love Diet. I know, he straps it into the passenger seat when he's, I swear to to God when he's driving around. And he reaches back and pulls pizza slices out of the back seat. I'm fat. That's how I get there. I'm fat.

The other thing he does, the other thing he does is he goes to Burger King and he goes to the dollar menu and he gets like three chicken sandwiches, three cheeseburgers. He gets like ten things from the dollar menu. He puts them in a sack and he mixes them up in the sack. And then he'll go to a movie and he goes, it's great. And I just sit there and I reach in, it's like a goodie bag. What a fuck! He was fat fuck.

Because you don't know what you're pulling out. And he's trying to convince me to do this with them a couple times But I'm like it's just too dark dude. I can't go there with you Yeah, it's John Harwitz. Oh, that's good. Fuck it. Now everybody's gonna fucking find him an email What's the tasting this is what people don't get about the way we are with this stuff. Okay, no. Right? It's taste.

People don't understand it's taste. People go, how can you make Donalds it's bad for you? It's not quality. It's like, dude, I'll eat McDonalds. I'll also eat, you know, a filet or whatever. I'll eat lobster. I'll eat any food that tastes good I don't care if it tastes good. I want to eat it right and

Proof of that is I dated a girl for a while that was dating or excuse my date of the girl that was an assistant to a chef on the food nowhere, right and I was like once he like she's like I just regular dude. He's do it. And I was like, do those guys ever eat McDonald's and shit? She's like, oh yeah, oh the time. Fuck yeah. She's like, they don't care. They're like, they think that stuff tastes good. They get it.

You don't make me. Don't fucking taste good. Any real food enthusiast is all about taste. They don't care if it's craft singles grilled on some fucking wonder bread. If it tastes good, they eat it. If you don't know, you have to see the movie Fatso. If you're a fat person, or you're fat, or you're a foodie,

you have to watch the movie Fatso with Dom Delewase. It's gotta be one of the most funny movies out there. And it gets fatness. It gets the fat drug so good. When he's crying at his cousin's death at the funeral, at the wake, and he goes in to get a glass of water for his fucking mother who's just crying and fucking passing out and he dips the bread

and the sauce and pours some cheese on top of that and then takes a bite and then takes a deep breath like that just made everything all right. Yeah, it stops crying. God, dude, when he's with the old lady and the fucking the pastries in the shop, she's eating the pastry and he keeps looking at the pastry. It's the best, it's the funniest movie. If you're fatty, you'll get this movie. I've never seen a guy cry more in a fucking movie. Oh, so emotional. He's getting beat. He's getting beat by his fucking sister with a cane and he's just crying out the window. Just taking the beating. He knows he ate the birthday cake. He ate the only off the Anthony. Yeah, the only. Yeah, it's the best. It's recommend for a dream for fat. Oh my god. And then she goes,

the guy goes, all right, he's fully grown, don't give him money. And then he goes, what are you gonna do with the rest of that cake? She just punches it, what am I gonna do? She just beats the shit out of the cake. Oh, it's great, dude. That's fucking me. It captures it.

Well, I didn't know what we're gonna talk about, but that was good, fucking fatness. Well, I'm actually, I'm hoping that this tour that I go on, I'm going to try to work out every day because I'll have nothing else to do, because I don't know any of the people that I'm going on tour with. So I think one's a Mormon and the other,

I don't know who the fuck it is. So it's going to be me, hopefully I come back thinner. So we'll do the podcast when I come back, and maybe you be the judge, Joe. You let me know if it worked out, or if I'm still the fucking same chunky, fucking douche that you knew when I left. Very left.

But we got the movies coming along, shoot the angles. It's in the festivals, we didn't find out yet, right? Just to wait in here in this festival, sure. Just to wait in here in the festivals and we're writing the feature length version of it right now which is coming along, fucking great. Yeah, we're almost we're almost halfway done that Yeah, I'm excited about that and then me and Joe are gonna be working on our own little project in the next couple Let's month or so. Yeah, which maybe next time we'll tell you about it. It goes well if we any news

Yeah, see what I'm and now where are you gonna be anywhere? Oh? Yeah Excuse me the weekend of What is it October 27th through the 30th, I'm going to be at Helium in Philly with Amy Schumer and I are co-headlining out there, so that'll be fun about today and go buy my album and it's on iTunes, the depression auction. That's fucking exactly what it should be called. And my app is right now, and the top 100 of the entertainment apps and number one today on the news and note worthy on iTunes, the Robert Kelly app.

Make sure you go buy it because this podcast streams right from the app along with all the other shit. And the tour dates and fucking live updates and everything is up there. So make sure you go check that out. Well, that's it, that's another podcast. You know what dude? And we'll talk to you next time. This week I think I'm gonna have actually Colin Quinn gonna be doing the podcast on another one. So make sure you keep checking the app for the next podcast. Yes.