Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - The Comedy Cellar

Episode Date: July 4, 2011

Robert interviews the owner of the Comedy Cellar and his wife about marriage and the history of the Comedy Cellar. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Glory Hall Radio Network, gloryhawradio.com What's up? This is Robert Kelly with a special special edition of You Know What, Dude? Podcast. I am here at the world famous or America famous I would say. World famous comedy seller with I know what you're thinking another comedian some other famous comic or some fucking jizzy comic that nobody knows. No. I'm here right now and this is what makes it a special edition with the owner of the comedy seller and his wife, very recently wife, uh, gnome and Juanita. Yes, he married a Puerto Rican, a Jew married a Puerto Rican. Whoo, what a relationship.

Well, so basically what's going to happen on this podcast, he's going to try to talk and she's going to fucking yell at him Say some shit. He's gonna have to lie this whole podcast So whatever he says this is gonna be all lies, but thanks for doing this. No, you're welcome Robert Thank you for having me you got it. I want to need a thank you for being a part of this She's you guys have just recently got married. Yep, which is Pretty crazy. I want to get into a couple things, but I want to get into this first. You know, since I've known you, you know, you were against marriage.

You were against you. I think quote unquote, when I told you I was getting married, you looked at me with disgust. You had a great pause and then you fucking idiot. I think that's what you said to me. Fucking idiot. You were against marriage? Yeah, well I was raised by a father who felt that marriage...

Well, he thought that fidelity was for suckers. Like, he did. He thought you were a jackass who even tried to be faithful to your wife. Right. And I knew that I didn't know. I mean, at the time I thought you could never possibly be first. Here's the first lie by the way. Ding, lie one.

Because I thought I understood you. I still think I do. You think you understood me as me a piece of shit that can't be faithful and should just be banging bros. My father wasn't a piece of shit. I'm not saying you're a piece of shit. I'm saying you're a lot of different mindset. I don't have a different mindset. You can change. People can change. You've changed.

I've changed. You've changed. Oh, so I can't change, but you can change? No, your predatory instincts were deeper than mine. That's fine. It's deeper and that's because I was better looking than you. Oh, my God. She's not gonna help you out now.

I'm not here to fix this now. I was gorgeous back in the way. Come on. I owned a nightclub. You're too shy. You but here's the thing. I got a lot back then. You got a lot. You got a lot. But as long as you know, high quality. Yeah, because of the nightclub. As long as you're honest with that. I mean, me and you both shouldn't go to anything in our lives I used to get it even before on the nightclub. Really. Yeah, yeah, just come on. Not high quality though Yeah, high quality. We just had dinner a friend of my told her about it. I always had that in high school He I always play the guitar. Yeah, well there you go. It's the guitar. It wasn't you're funny

What I mean everybody's got something well? I had before I had nothing I used to get girls But I was just drinking and then drugging and if you were always funny. No, but I was always cool. I was cool and good looking. Look at these lips. It was a good looking guy. Come on.

In my field of vision, I see the mic in your lips. Well, the thing is, is that what blew me away because I went to your wedding, which was one of, I think my wedding and your wedding were two of my favorite weddings. My wedding being awesome because I aloved in Maui, videotaped at live streamed over the internet, and that's how you went to my wedding.

You didn't have to go, you didn't have to wake up, you didn't have to put on spanks and forget a stupid tie, instead of waiting for food and waiting for the bullshit and the church and all that shit, you just turned it on and walked. You watch it right here from the comments. We all watch it here.

Yeah, you watch it. We watch it. And your wedding was great because it was in the East Village at this really cool. I don't know what it was. It was an old synagogue that became an event space. Right, it was gorgeous, but everything was done right in there. You had the wedding, which was actually funny and actually cool.

Pointing it as a word. I'd use romantic, but you're a fucking, you have no emotional connection. I like the word romantic. Romantic, it was romantic. Just let me, just follow me on this one. Okay, it was very romantic, but you actually, this is what killed me,

is that I told you that I cried at my wedding when my wife came up and I cried, and you called me a fucking pussy. You, let's just deal with this. You called me a fucking pussy and made fun of me. Like I wasn't a man because I did that. And you know what happened at your wedding? Which was amazing.

Little fucking, faggy boy, shedded tears. I saw you. Your eyes welled up. You got all emotional and you couldn't speak. I, I, I do. I do love you. Can you explain that? First of all, I'm flattered to know that you remember every offhand comment I've ever made to you.

Oh, yes. Any little thing that I said as an aside, you must value my opinion to it. Well, maybe it hurts so bad that it just doesn't go away overnight. Maybe they hurt. Maybe the scars of your fucking awful meanness to me over really important times in my life that just haven't gone away.

Maybe it's that too. Maybe it's not, again, it's not you being important. Maybe it's just you being a mean person that hurt me. I didn't see you as a type of guy who would cry on a beach somewhere with nobody even around you. It was like, I don't know. You know what, you're right. You're right. I was wrong. I didn't understand that sometimes you have to... He didn't go through it. He went through it and cried for six hours. The whole money he cried. I was crying all day before. Oh my God. You cried more than me. It was almost ridiculous.

I was reading my vows, practicing them, and every time I'd read them I started crying. I had to keep reading them and reading them. I almost went up and grabbed you like, uh, don't call your own. Be a man! I hate to get started by being a man! Woohoo! She hates the godfather, but what big one? I hate it. Because when I ask her,

Do you like star faces that you have big ones? I do love star faces. You take stars, you put a recon and ind. Yeah, which I didn't know until the wedding Why so my father that I saw a bunch of Indian people So you know you you're you're you're you're a lot to handle This is your you're a down. Yeah I mean, I got lucky because I married. My wife is not an alpha. She'll fight, she'll throw down, she'll,

what if I step over the line, she'll fuck you. But pretty much I'm the drama mama. I get to be the drama mama. You married another drama mama. You're a drama mama and she's a drama mama. So you, I mean, how does that work? She's the alpha drama mama and she's a drama mama. So you, I mean. How does that work? She's the alpha drama mama.

Yeah, she's the one if there was a fight, she would. I would be afraid to fight her. Like if I had to fight you, like if there's a couple, like if we got into it, I would, I she'd be the one to actually probably try to fight. You'd be the one that she's different to me, because when she gets angry, that's it. She's off. You can't reason with her, she's not thinking. You're adrenaline. That's the Puerto Rican side. It's unbelievable It's not the Indian side with a you know, oh money puppy home It's the Puerto Rican side right Puerto Rican is dominant over Indian

They know that right Puerto Rican's dominant over everybody well, no, she's pregnant and I'm and I don't like the sound of that Why because I want you want a white baby dominant over you want a white that. Why? Because I want... You want a white baby? You want a white baby? Just say it, you're racist. I want a white baby, you're a mother. I'm a mother. My mother actually said that to me yesterday. She said, I had enough with these Indian kids.

I want a white baby. Can you believe that? No, well, I mean, she's, I mean, yeah. Just a baby that doesn't have to go through shit life and get things. No, that's ridiculous. Well, you want to put a recon baby. You want a tank.

You want a baby that can go on the sun It looks like me. You know what you don't you're sick You're sick and having to put the sunblock on your husband Dumb gnomes reading under a tree is stupid kindle I'll be with you in a second You want a little put Rican with some attitude Maybe some abs I'm Puerto Rican. You don't have abs underneath No, I did not used to I used to find abs. So so now let me ask you question now that you're married. How long has it been?

It's gonna be a year this month. Be your your Juneth. A year, and I know, I'm kidding. And you used to work where? I used to work here at the elementary. So you were a waitress or a manager here? A waitress. You were a waitress here before I came to the comedy cellar? Yes. Yeah, good, because if, you know,

we might have some stories. I'll walk with her that way. If me and we need to do each other a little bit. Oh, no. Down in the closet, down stairs. We very awkward. I'll be very awkward for you, not for us. I mean, like the good memories about it. I was just watching it for him. I wasn't that kind of Rachel.

Well, you were because you banged the boss. You were just a smart waitress. Instead of banging the comics, you went right close to those who would have banged. Yeah, you didn't bang the comics to do nothing for you. I went right to the top. Let me ask you a question now. You met her. Did you know that she was... Did you want to be with her mostly good things about you?

Go ahead. Stop. Did you know that it was her or did you just want to get with her? I just wanted to get with her. That right. Because I mean mainly that's what we want. Now did you just want to get with him or did you like him? And she was pregnant.

No, I'm the story. She was pregnant. Yeah, I wasn't looking at me. You were pregnant when you met him? I tried to sleep with her. I tried to sleep with her. No, she was pregnant after I met her, but before we were going out,

I tried to get her in bed when she was pregnant. Why? So, the first met, I was dating someone, he was dating someone, so we never really got about each other. But then, I guess, I found that when I was pregnant a few months in that he was interested. Right?

But you broke up with your guy. I was a single mom. Okay, single mom, she's pregnant and you wanted to have sex with her big time. Why? Not a bad thing by the way. That why I was an excited why. And she says that I'm pregnant. I don't care really. Yeah, she wouldn't do it really, you know, she has self respect

No, she said that because she's Puerto Rican she could still get pregnant again Baby I'm a double baby. I thought your kid would be getting beat up in the body before you can get. What? No, he really came to me, hold my hand. It's like I'm really interested in you and thinking about you and it's like stop right there. I'm pregnant.

I'm going to tell you the real story. I don't know if it's fun. From your point of view, my point of view. When she was pregnant, by this guy. And he was a rapper now, right? And famous? No, not famous. He has some degree of fame,

but none of us would have ever heard of. Okay, but he was a handful. And when she was pregnant, we were all telling her, why don't you just don't have the baby? This is crazy, he's not gonna be there. And I remember saying to her, and I was probably God to her, I remember saying, listen,

you don't really understand your appeal, but if you could like marry like a real successful guy, like a doctor or a lawyer, don't cast your, your, your, your, your lot with this guy, because it's to change your whole life, right? and I ended up marrying her. So she didn't take your advice. She didn't take my advice. So I got, I've had to raise her this, this guy's maybe for the last 18, 17 years. 17 years. Yeah. Yeah, but that's good for him. Yeah, and it was good for me too. Yeah, because you're a good dad and you needed that.

Yeah. All right. Now, I want to get back to Yeah, because you're a good dad and you needed that. Right, now I want to get back to the comedy seller. Everybody knows about the comedy seller. It is a famous club. Every comic knows about it. Every comic wants to play this place. Let's just go back. How long has it actually been here?

Since 1981, I think. 1981. 1981. So 1981. And this was what before was the comedy seller? For a while downstairs was the Fing John. Fing John, which was what? A Middle Eastern nightclub where my father used to play music. Okay.

And then he moved the Fing John next door to where the was now. Cafe was. So there was like two years or three years where the downstairs where the commie cellar is now was just kind of a bar piano player down there was really just treading water looking for something to do. And how old were you when all this was happening? 18. So you were 18. You were living here in the building? No I was living Westchester. Westchester was a white school. You were a white school., I was at Wade School. I went to Tufts and then I went to University of Pennsylvania.

University of Pennsylvania. For what? Law. Law, you're going to be a lawyer. I was a lawyer. I am a lawyer. You are a lawyer. I am a lawyer. I didn't know that. You didn't know that? No, I passed the bar and everything. What's up with Jewish guys? Going all through that lawyer's shit and then going to just do like comedy or it's very common. Yeah it is, but Joroldo wasn't Jewish. And he did it too. He was basically Jewish. Well, he's smart.

He'll be hot. Nah, that's really. So anyways, so 1981 comes, they got the cafe wall. Your father buys the cafe wall. No, the wall was closed already. The original cafe wall closed in like 1967. Okay. And he took over that room and said,

it was just one stupid club after another over there. It wasn't the wall. It was like Richie Havens had a place for a while and then it was a rock place. He moved the Fing John. And my father moved his nightclub there. Right. He moved his nightclub, the Fing John,

over to the wall. Right. And then this was here. But it was just empty bar. And upstairs was the restaurant. The all of the wall. And then this was here. But it was just empty bar. And upstairs was the restaurant, the olive tree, correct. So when did he decide to make it a comedy club? Then this guy, Bill Grundfest, came in, who was a young comic, and he said,

listen, man, I can bring comics in here. You take the bar, I'll take the door. So I thought, okay, I'll give it a try. So they tried it one night, and it hit the ground running. It was a success, virtually from the first weekend. Really? Yeah. But was it different than it is now?

Or is it just the same thing as it was? It wasn't much different. Great. I mean, at first there was still a bar in the room downstairs. Right. So that was a little different, but we got rid of that pretty quickly, right? And the first crop of comics was like, you know Gilbert Godfried and Bill Maher and people like that so the talent was good right from the start really it's a matter of fact in the middle

It was kind of a wall in that but the first crop was very It was top now. So the guys at first came and Bill Maher anybody else do you remember? Bill Maher, Gilbert Godfried So guys at first came in Bill Maher, anybody else do you remember? Bill Maher, Gilbert Godfrey. I wasn't around so much right at that beginning later on with John Stewart and Ray, Romano and that next group. So side felt was here too? No.

No, some felt wasn't in the bar. Okay, so when now here, now the comedy club takes off, when does the WAB become the WAB? Okay, then I graduated law school and I decided I didn't want to be a lawyer. So the Fiend John was already on his last leg. It was down to being open just Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. So I started to rock a rock and roll band. A rock band, rock and R&B.

Right. And I think we started playing Wednesday and Sunday. And it became very popular very very quickly. And it eventually pushed the fiends on all the way out and then when I was going to rename it, I took the name Cafe Waw because it was a historic name at that place. Really? And did you have to buy it? No, no. It had been abandoned for 20 years already, the name. So you could just take it. You could just take it. So you take over the cafe wall.

That's your place. That's the cafe fiend John. Cafe fiend John, it made it the cafe wall. Right. And that became your place. So your father didn't give it to you. You kind of took it over. I took it over, but he gave me the room.

He gave me, I mean, I didn't go and make a deal with the landlord. My father me, I mean, I didn't go and make a deal with the landlord. My father sold the cafe fiend John and moved it to eighth street and then it went out of business very quickly. Right. And then I took over from there. So your father was over here at the comedy seller and the olive tree and you were over next door at the cafe walk.

Yeah. Okay, so then when did the comedy seller, because I remember when I first came here to New York, you know, the comedy seller was good, but it wasn't always packed. It wasn't always, it was kind of dead during the week, but then something happened. And I think your father,

Mani, who, you know, everybody loves, but he actually showed interest in the comics. He started showing interest in the comedy club. And then he made that table in the corner and he kind of made it more of a home for us for certain comedians. Yeah, well, first of all, it used to be so slow during the week

because Juanita was a waitress there that the waitress is used to have to sit at tables to pretend they were audience. You had to sit and watch the comics. It was an awful... No, some, I enjoyed some, I mean, David tells her at the time. Who else?

Well, Richard Piro. Right? A lot of, you know, older, I guess, comics who were back then. So you had to sit in the audience and be the audience until people showed up? Yes. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. And pretend they were all days behind us.

Right. So then a lot of things happened simultaneously that turned it around. All within a few years of each other. First of all, the big guys on the block, the improv and catarizing star went out of business. Right. So that was a big change because we were always like the low person on the food chain. Right. They were gone.

Then Lewis Shaper came along and started them seeing. And Lewis started when the comics were on, would go outside and start handing out flowers and bring people in to the comedy cell. Right. And that brought in a lot of people. And people bring more people. And then the comics wanted to come because this was a club that had people. The comics looked for rooms that are not empty. Right. At the same time, we also moved the bar and created the comedian table.

Right. And so the comedians had a home. So all of a sudden, we had a home. We had a bigger audience. Yeah, and my father was was a great host and a beloved guy So all those things together. Now there's a now every and then Colin really helped us to Colin started bringing down a lot of Important people. Well, here's the thing too that have that people know comics know Estee, you know, you got to get past Estee.T. It's almost a fear. It's almost like a video game. You gotta get past the last level. You gotta get past the boss at the last level. And, you know, how long has she been here?

She's been here since basically the beginning, but she wasn't always doing this job. Right. She was the host at the door the door host Seating people for for on and when Bill was doing the booking and then Kathy's girl. I was doing the booking. I think I think I She's been doing it probably since Late eighties mid to late eighties on the right don't do that the microphone's picking that as he's been doing since the late eighties The late eighties I'm nervous when I'm talking about S. He could let him say the wrong thing

I'm nervous when I'm talking about this because I don't want to say the wrong thing. Well, she's now she books it. Now she also, her and your father are the people that allow comics to work this club. And it kind of goes like this. You get past, you get five minutes on a Friday and Saturday. You go up after somebody and then you, you, you get past, or you don't get past. If you get past, you get weekday spots, which are late night spots. And then if you do good there, you might get earlier spots. If you do good there, then you work your way

to a weekend spot, one or two. And then if you do good there, then you're regular, and you'll work whenever you kind of want to. And when you're in town, you'll get spots when you have a veil. They kind of put you in. So there's many levels of working at this club and I mean, you know, that's a You know people know that as he gives you that opportunity or you guys I mean your father didn't like me

You know that right? I know. I remember very clearly. He just he forced and you know really? No, no, no come on seriously I actually remember him like him. I remember he used to say that you look like a young Handsome with a salmoneal or something something Kelly No, no, no, like like yeah, like a young movie star like a young movie star back then now I just looked like a fat movie star look like ball and brandos you were young Elvis and now you're old Well, I remember he used to tell me, used to go, I never liked you when you fridin' and want you workin' here, and SD had to push me through.

Because she loved me. Yeah, was he? SD loved me, and she had to push me through. I don't care, I wanna use them. And then your father switched his tune. I don't know what happened. First of all, my father was always in charge. Right.

He would, SD could advocate for somebody, but he really didn't like you. You were not gonna be working. So he probably figured, since she's seeing you more often than he is, because he wasn't under it, that she knew what she was talking about. Yeah, yeah. But then me and your dad became really close.

You know, he became, but here's the funny thing about your dad. But you got funnier too. I got a lot funnier. I got a lot funnier. I got a lot funnier. I got a lot funnier. Correct. Well, I'll tell you what happens with clubs like this is you have to get funnier.

Oh, you're out. That's a group. A lot of clubs don't do this anymore. A lot of clubs you bring five people, you get stage time. A lot of clubs you hang around and pass on flyers, you'll get on stage. This club doesn't do any of that. You have to get five minutes on a Friday or Saturday night after professional guys and you either do good,

it's like the Romans. You get the thumbs up or you get the thumbs down and you're out. And then you have to work your way up to weekend spots. So it gives you that you have to become better to stay in the club and also to get to what you want to work at the club as like the weekends with the professionals and do a regular show. So and you're always around really good comics so you always feel like shit you know I used to

watch Norton get better and then you see Joral though you see Colin and you're like I fucking suck and it forces you to become better because of the people you're surrounded by. Other clubs don't do that. Other clubs don't have that. You can bring five people and get the fuck on and there's no progression. They used to do that. You guys still do it, but a lot of clubs used to do it back in the day. You had to earn your spot.

Here you have to still earn your spot. You have to earn it every week. You have to earn it every week because you know, you guys report, the waitress report. You guys care who's being funny and who's not but you know and but we don't we don't require the the that escalating path that you took like for instance Dave Chappelle yeah I don't think he ever didn't work weekend spots the first day he came in right he was he knocked the what are they knock the cover off the ball right it was no question he was ready for Saturday night right and he's he's never comparing I'm not comparing

myself to Dave Chappelle. Can you not do what I said and make you feel like shit? Jesus Christ, you bring up Dave Chappelle. I get it. He's way better. Can you bring up somebody? Bring up Billy Burr or Pete Corrielli? Somebody, what the fuck?

Pete Corrielli was also a meeting. No, he wasn't. He was not. He was not me and Pete. And Godfrey kind of came up with the same error. And we kind of progressed really fast, you know, faster than most. I don't ever remember actually.

I don't ever remember you not being funny. Yeah. I don't ever remember God for your Pete not being funny. Now we were in a good, I came up in a good class. But the thing was, is that, you know, some, then tough crowd happened. Usually someone with the talent to actually be a good class. But the thing was, is that, you know, then tough crowd happened. Usually someone with the talent

to actually be a good stand-up comic does not stay unfunny very, very long. If they're not funny six months into it at all, they just, they're never gonna be funny. That's my. I agree. But the thing that happened here, something that really happens at clubs

is that this became a home base for a lot of guys calling Norton Billy, May, Keith, Jorraldo. I mean some of the top nights guys and then tough crowd happened. Your father was really involved with this comedy here and you know SD you really weren't, you were at the WA which we would come over and do a spot every Friday sat and I just petrified of that fucking shit crowd They're gonna do the wah-ha fuck me When it went good it went good when it went bad it went bad

Sitting down there tramped on that stupid stage bunch of drunk people eating wings. It's worth now. Oh my god. I haven't done it in five years. Thank God, but But it was something happened here where it was like, oh my God, this is like family. Your father was like family. We're all here every night hanging out for hours and hours and talking and laughing and fucking debating and arguing and fighting

and it was just really like a relationship. And it it was a great chemistry it was a magical group of guys who happened to all be around at the same time that you know like John Paul George and Ringo happened to grow up together yeah that's what you guys had yeah we I think it the club had it too it wasn't just the comics it was the club I mean it's still it's still here now you ava sd you SD, you know, Juanita, the way you're interested. But you guys are still here. Right. It's not the same on nights that you guys are not here.

Of course it's not, because we're awesome and we're great people, really. It's really out the same. Yeah, we don't sit at the table when you guys are not. Yeah, without us, you guys are really nothing. I understand what you're saying. But the thing is, it's true. But now when that ended, and you know,

your father passed away with you know sucked and And then the club it was like we were I mean I myself was like what the fuck gonna happen? What's gonna go down me to what's gonna happen with this club and You know I was like this never gonna be the same It's not it's not the same. It's not the same But it's something new that actually Is has a lot of the same qualities now. Especially with you, you're not really doing the law anymore. You're doing the fat black and you're really a gender-grown.

But you guys are here, Estes here, Alvis here, and we hang out and we talk, and we still have... There are those nights. It's not every night, but it's more often than it used to be after it's passing. It's starting to become like, you know, when you come in, when I'm here and key's here and call it's here, you know, it just happens. It just happens, noortons here. We're gonna have some laughs.

Some shit's gonna be talked about. And it's not gonna be all laughs, it's gonna be some serious shit. Like, yeah, the night we were talking about, I bring up fucking, you know, how they can put skin, how they can print hard valves. Yeah. When a 3D printer. Right. The stem cells.

Yeah, they can. Okay. Whatever. They can print them. I was a little off on the stem cells, but the fucking burn victim spray thing. Yeah, you were right. I can't correct it. Right.

But those are the things and we're sitting there for an hour yapping and you know it's you're at a comedy club Yeah, and it makes you want to hang out and make you want to just sit here all night and shoot the shit And then you go on and you do your show and that's not even the funny part. That's the least Funny part of the night is doing you set. The funniest shit that you remember, the beautiful part about it, it'll never be recreated,

it'll never be talked about again. It just, it happens at the table when Norton jumps in and says, it smashes me and then you jump in and then we talk serious and then we bring up a subject, we switch subjects and then we come back and I'll get Norton 20 minutes later

on our good one and then he'll, you know what I mean? And then it's like that's the magic of this club. That's what makes this club. So in the history of it and the crowds, I mean it's almost crazy that it's sold out every weekend, sold out every night. Mostly every night. Mostly every night this place is sold out. But you know we're're not that big you know like like Gotham has 400 seats or something Yeah, but this is the way of 120. This is what comedy is right. This is what comedy should be

120 seats 130 seats. Oh, it's a much better atmosphere. I agree. It's that's what comedy started as American comics as we know it It started here, and this is what it should be, it should be 120, 130 people right on your face and you fucked your good sound and being able to you know tell whatever the fuck sound. I know this is interesting to you, you can stop me, but I always thought that like stop. Place like the improv and the comedy seller were so great that other people could look I want to own a comedy club that I'm gonna do it one step better. I'm gonna have it fancy and cushion season, all made it worse.

Comedy should be cramped, in a little bread basement, intimate, and a little uncomfortable, and that's what it should be. Yeah, apps, fuck, and movie. And the laughs here, you can't get them in a place. Not when it's all spread out, I see a length and all that. It's right, I've killed like I've never killed in this club Yeah, I'm in one night. It was it was a Chris rock then Sharad then Tony rock then God free and then me and we were each one of us

Like fuck that and it just went boom boom. This is when Chris was already big or yeah, baby famous Boom. This is when Chris was already a big or a big famous. Yeah, I mean, I've seen people kill it. Some of these crowds are just crazy, but it's also, there's an intimidation factor coming here. It's the comedy seller. People know it now. So when they come here, they almost feel privileged to get in, because it's sold out every night. So when they're there, they usually pay attention. It's almost like theater. It's almost like going to theater. There's some thing with you, go to theater,

you shut your fucking face and you listen. And you guys almost have created that here. Now that people come and listen. They wanna be here just to say I went to the comedy seller and saw these guys. And you still put on, I mean, the shows you put on a headline guys that people have to pay, to go see the improvs all over the country. You have us here, you know, everything out of the week, all the time.

I know. We're very, very lucky. It's really lucky. I mean, we're not lucky. We're very fortunate. And we're very appreciative of it. And we, you know, hope that we can keep not screwed up. Do you like the fact that now you've actually become more involved in comedy? Well, when my father died, I was very reluctant and I always had to renew you.

I didn't want to say, okay, man he's gone. Now I'm going to sit at the table. You know, I didn't want to step into his shoes and I didn't want anybody got prepared to think I was, you know, being overbearing or presumptuous for anything like that. So it was a good long while before I really felt comfortable hanging out

at the table and stuff. I'm still not totally comfortable sometimes. Yeah, sometimes, sometimes I am, depends on who, like with you or with Keith. I feel very comfortable. It's other times I don't feel comfortable. Really? Yeah.

Wow, I didn't know that. But I mean, she knows that. I talk to him. He's guys don't want to talk to me. Really? Yeah. You're such an idiot. And I like the comics better than any other group of people.

And I do with musicians. Yeah. And I deal with my friends who want to law school with. The only people I think I really understand, and they understand me, do with musicians. Yeah, and I deal with my friends who want to law school with the only people I think I really understand and they understand me are the comics. Yeah, when it comes to sex and just like they're not. We don't lie. Man to man, that's right. We don't lie. We're just we're insecure. We're fucking ego maniacs, but we don't lie about anything. You call me on on something. I'll tell you the truth because that's the only way I can do comedy. That's the only way to get to real comedy is if I'm honest with myself. That's

how you're in touch with the human reality. Right. Because that's how it was. Could you be fun? Right. A musician has to lie and be cool. And we are, man, well, you know, I do my thing. Also, the comics are really smart. Yeah. But usually, yeah. Musicians, some of them are. I don't like that they look to me and what you said. Jesus Christ. I'm just saying. You're so transparent. I'm going to take a fucking acting class.

So it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, what, what do you think the success of the comedy seller is right now? And why can't other clubs in the city bottle it and just redo it. They don't have that... first of all, it's very difficult to... it took us 15 years to get it to where it became. So it's not easy to just start it from scratch. They also... I think that we are different in that we really only care about the integrity of what we're doing. We all need to make money, and we need to

make a living. But it never enters into any conversation we have. Like this guy will bring a lot of people or we can try. And I think it's a very artistic environment. And I think that that comes through and people want to work in place like that. Right, yeah. I think that's the reason I was successful in the law as well. Now, is there any comics that you're just like, I don't want that fucking guy around? He stinks. I fucking hate him.

You don't have to give names. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there are. This is called, oh shit, I should have let you go. I'm the best podcast ever breaking news. You're gonna find out. So this comics that you like, I fuck him, but you, but you don't, you can't do anything.

You've never kicked anybody out. You've never said no. You've never said you're out of here. I have him. My father did. Yeah, you're talking. And then he went back on it. Your father kicked Norton out.

He tried to kick me out. Yeah. I just wanted to go one night. I was working the Boston Comedy Club. And this is when they started doing good. Because they got Louis Schaefer. And you father sat me down one night. He goes, I want to tell you something.

If you work there, you can't work here anymore. That's just the way it is. If you're going to work here, we want you here. We like you here. We really want you to stay at this club. But if you're going can't, if you're gonna work here, we want you here, we like you here, we really want you to stay at this club, but if you're gonna work there, you can't work here. And I went, I went, I'm so sorry to hear that. I love you guys, a family, I really respect you.

This is my home club, but I can't have you telling me what to do and where to work, I'm my own boss. And I'm gonna, I guess I'm gonna have to just say goodbye. And he went, all right, you can work over there. But listen, I know you have to just say goodbye. And he went, all right, you can work over there. But listen, what he was. David is shot. David is shot. That's what he was.

We could've put a totality button here. But, you know, it's weird that, I mean, there has to be some point where you're you know You're gonna have to step in and make a choice like that. Don't you think that you're gonna have to about not using certain comics? Yeah, well you're gonna go I fuck I know I do the lineup every you do the lineup with as with as he does the lineup Right and then every Wednesday one thing we meet for lunch Okay, and I go through it with her and and 99% of the time I don't make any changes.

From time to time if I feel strongly, or sometimes she might miss something like, I see this show doesn't look a little risky. Cause some comics, even some of the best ones, some are like consistent, you know, 300 hitters. And others are like big home run. Here's where they strike out a lot. Right.

And if you have too many of them in the world, you want to know that someone coming after that is a solid hitter. So sometimes that gets lost and the SD and I work together. We don't really disagree that much. Yeah, well, she's pretty good with that. She's pretty good with, yeah, she's great with, you know, knowing who's funny. Yeah. I mean, knowing who's funny is about the easiest thing. Not putting SD down. It's very easy to one who's funny. Yeah. And I mean, you know, knowing who's funny is about the easiest thing.

Not putting a seat down. It's very easy to know who's funny. You could watch a video tape of the comedy-seller crowd without the sound. Yeah. And I could tell you who's funny. Yeah, but there's different types of funny, though. I mean, I look at... But we don't care.

You know, you look at a guy like Anthony Jesselneck and a guy like Godfrey and a guy like Pete Corielli and a guy like Todd Barry and then there's a Louis CK. I mean those are all very different funny, right, with different tones and energy. I mean, and they are all fucking hilarious in their own right. So you can't really say that you know who's funny. You might walk in on a Todd Barry set and he's, you know, doing okay, you know, but then you walk Godfrey goes up and we use use it and that's just what that crowd wanted that night you know I mean no no one sampling I think is anything you should make a decision on but if you watch a comic five or ten times you know

comedy though after no seeing it for years you know when a guy's original or funny yes and different and trying something yeah and you have a lot of those guys here you're not really just throwing shit on and seeing what sticks because they you know, they brought people or who they are Yeah, and also I think that our audience Shoes up hacks and spits them out our audience is sophisticated. They know a hack when they see it Yeah, so because another audience is sometimes heck can be funny because they never heard that stuff before Well, you know what else is good here that a lot of people don't even think about is the sound, the microphone and the monitors.

I actually take credit for that. I did that with my father. I'll tell you this man, I go to other clubs. They don't even have monitors on stage. They don't even care about what you're doing. They're like monitors, no. And it's like, I'm screaming to hear myself over 300 people. And there's not a fucking monitor. So let me hear what I'm screaming to hear myself over 300 people and there's not a fucking monitor

So let me hear what I'm actually saying that's because they're worried about their alcohol percentages And I'm not worried about putting on the best show that they can right that's that's exactly where it where it is I mean the microphone on this stage and the sound in the room even though it's a small room is so perfect I can tell when it's off. Yeah, I can tell when somebody fucked with a button. I'm on stage and I can tell when somebody turned a fucking knob and fucked it up. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Or something that's a lot of stuff.

I can tell by the set I'm having about the sound. The sets, I can have it, because I know when to get loud and when to get soft, due to the microphone and the monitors coming back and have those moments through the sound and the sound here, fucking brilliant. And that's one thing that actually makes and the life of breaks. My father spent his whole life on stage. I'm going to say, so we get what it means to have a comfortable stage to perform on. And hearing yourself is a big part of it.

I'm glad that you said that. I'm glad that we all, we kind of built up to that statement that you just made Can we get the fucking piano off the stage? Can that ever happen? Yeah, yeah, who the fuck flip Rick wrong blazing one comic Craig Robinson He's these are important comics. Hey, he brings his own get a rollout fucking piano. We could be iPad We could we could get a rollout piano. We could get a fucking how's this get a Murphy piano that folds out of the fucking wall I think we could do that god damn that fucking piano Thanks

My father love that piano. Yeah Fucking leave the piano Jesus You know, it's hard for a chunky guy to get on stage that's stupid You know I was thinking that I didn't want to say it stage. That stupid, you know, I was thinking that. I didn't want to say it. I was thinking, well, you didn't use a complain about it. I remember the old days. I was talking about this club.

I got to hit women in my head, in the head with my stomach. I have to apologize, like the producer, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me. Pardon me. I was actually the producer. Yeah, well, don't, no the way to the stage. I'm funny. That was actually the producer. Is this the producer? Yeah, well don't have a fucking step on my joke, okay? I'm sorry. Anyways, yeah, the fucking piano one stage just bugs me. I try to break it every time I'm up there.

I kick it, I punch it, I flip the thing down. Why? I grab the thing and I slam it down, I go, why? Well then you're using it, then you get a prop out of it. And John Mayer uses it. Who eats the defucking? No, no, no. He doesn it, then you get a prop out of it. And John Mayer uses it. Who eats it? It's a fucking no. No, no, he doesn't know.

He's a musician. And I play all Langzai on New Year's Eve. Oh, fuck. I'm done. I do, yeah. Are you saying it one year? I sang it two years. Two years.

Very badly. But the father actually got mad at me. He did get mad. No, it's a little bit. I was a little bit mad to be you. Legitimately when you can't fucking sing and screamed and left he was actually mad at me I'd like right had to go. Hey man try growing up that way Was he a fight was he a mean dad? Yeah, no, no, it was never no not mean. What was he but he could be?

He was very stingy with praise and he only praised you if he felt it And he and if he thought you were something was not good, he would tell me. That's why I love you, dad, though. The one thing I love to buy you dad is that he made you want him to like you. You wanted him to talk to you. You wanted him to say, hey, hey kid, I may ask you a question. You can ask me. Yeah, ask you a question you can ask yeah ask me a question you

know I mean I used to drive me home and I never really asked I never asked but every once in a while he go you want to ride and I was like yes not because I ride because he's giving me the ride and I know we're gonna talk on the way home and it's gonna be interesting and we're gonna talk about gadgets and fucking chicks and blah blah blah and you know I it's he made you he was you know this he was a little guy you know I remember you should run up the stairs and run down the stairs and then he you know it wasn't like he was you know George Clooney Brad Pitt he was this little guy but he really made you want to be around him I love the fact that

when he gave it to you It's like that joke I have I don't say I love it in my wife because I don't want to desensitize her It's like my mother said it a million times and I mean it didn't mean nothing my father said it once growing up And it fucked me up for three weeks You know what I mean the same thing But it's I mean you have those qualities too. No, no, no, I'm not saying that to both smoke up your ass You have the same qualities, but you were you were kind of doing the wall and you were kind of the you know doing your band shit And I've always you know been a fan of yours, but now later in life, especially now that you with your wife

It's you have you've adopted that you now that you're your dad, but when you show up, you have that same quality. Where you're excited to see you guys. More known than you, but I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Probably the opposite. It's a loud mouth for me. No.

But it's becoming a new... It's actually... It went through this change and it's becoming something new again, you know what I mean? It's becoming this new thing. But I'm always cautious about it too because I am the owner, so even if somebody didn't feel that way about me, they'd have to kind of pretend. Yeah. I think that's what I'm always cautious about.

And you feel like you can tell when somebody's pretending. Right. But then sometimes they don't need me. Let them just... Yeah, yeah. Now, you have a baby on the way. Mm-hmm. Which is crazy. Yeah, we had the ultrasound last week.

But it looked like not Jewish. Yeah, it's all like it's tells not Jewish. Yeah, the baby? No, the baby. How do you know it's not Jewish? Because she's not Jewish. I'm not Jewish. But that doesn't mean it's not Jewish, you're Jewish.

Yeah, but it doesn't work that way. What according to Jewish life, the mother has to be Jewish. You didn't know that? So it's not Jewish. It's not Jewish. It's not a Jewish baby, not a Jewish baby. Really? Really?

What are you gonna raise it as? A Jew-reacon? A Jew-reacon? Sounds like a liqueurzama play. I don't know what we're gonna raise. You know what it is, a boy or a girl. We don't know. You have no idea. What know what it is, a boy or a girl? We don't know. You have no idea.

What do you want? Boy. I want a girl. Oh shit, you're in trouble. I'll be happy with you, the buddy. Now, are you gonna be, I mean, what kind of daddy you're gonna be? You're gonna be like your dad would very, you know, not to give out praise. Are you gonna really try to change the curve?

He's already a dad. He raised my son. He's a loving, caring person. He's more loving and affectionate than I am to my own son. So, you already know what kind of dad he is. I'm going to be a better dad than my father was in certain ways because my father had me when he was still, when his priorities were still put in and play music. He did not come home. He was in, you know, right. So, I'm much more subtle I'm older right so I think that and he and my my father I hit my girl because he divorced my mother then he divorced my stepmother then he had a

girlfriend and he had another woman in the house and that was tough right I was tough on you yeah and that but you're gonna have a stable life yeah yeah as I mean as much as stable you can you know be married to a Puerto Rican. Yeah, but she's the one we have to worry about. We've been together for 17 years. We've been there, gone through all that stuff. It's like Patristo Nails joke that my chick's been with me for six years. I've been with her for four months.

Exactly. I've been with me for 17 years. Yeah, I'm finally happy with, like, I'll look at my wife and be like, I'm fucking, what was I thinking? I love this chick, the shit, I love you. So happy, but like, it took me 13 years to get to that point. I remember she used to, we'd be together and she would touch me and do that caressing

and it would make me, I'd fucking wanna jump out of my fucking skin Get up, but you had to take it. Look at it. It feels good I Know I never went through that you never went through that she almost never caressed me No, I know we always I never had that really I know that feeling I'm at that feeling with women Right, I never had it with her. Well now my wife does it and it's like I'm like do it more and she's like I'm tired. It's like a really fucking plot I want you to do it now you don't have all routine about it. Touch my feet

You don't want to touch you anywhere, but you're people. I still have that Well, I've never been to do it now. How how hard is it to is it hard for you to be married? Is it hard for you to be with one girl? No, and I know you have to say no because she's sitting right next to you So why are you asking? I have to ask the top question, no. I'm gonna see what type of man you are. No, I have never been happy in my life. Honestly, this is such a happy marriage. I'm just waiting for you. I'm hoping that nothing ever changes. It's true.

Okay. That's sometimes things don't last, you know? Yeah. I hope we lose the last. Right. And how do you feel married to Noam? Is this your dream come true? Yeah.

And if we're better, we're better married. Really? You're better married. Yeah. What does that mean? No, only dated. There was a lot of, you know, ups and downs. And I was insecure because we were together

because it's a long time and not married. Right. And now all that's kind of gone. The something that happens, I don't know if I told you this before you get married, when you say I do, and then the first time she says you're my husband, there's something about, my trust issues went away. Like I was like, it's my fucking wife.

Yeah. And something happened where it was like, you immediately trust the other person Like a lot of your issues kind of fall off at that point. It's really nice to know you'll only have to sleep with the same woman for the rest of your life You never have to go through that. Yeah, new pussy. Yeah Like a new blowjob where it's a little different so they actually do it the way you like it. You know to teach him It's unappealing. Yeah, and they get married you you really got them, and when you got the business surprise. Oh my god.

When we were dating, I really got that. I never let you go. I tell you, it's a hard thing. I love her. I have one. Well, here's the thing is that now you're going to have a baby. So I mean, it's like I'm trying to have a baby now.

Like I had to run home the other night. I know. You can't look at spots. You don't stick. You don't stick. And apparently there's one day out of the month that's good for getting babies. I went home, she was literally, you know, lying on the bed. I had to jump on whip to stick in. It's hump away. It's five days a month for Puerto

Ricans, but it's one day a month. It's, you know, you don't even have to come on or knee. You can just jerk off and throw it out of here. I left you something in an ice cube tray. But the funny thing is you went in and you had to get your sperm tested, right? No, I didn't have to get my sperm tested. Hold up, hold up, hold up. I did because I was older ready. 48 years old.

And I didn't, I hear stories about people taking like a year to get pregnant. And I wanted to check right at the outset. So in case there was an issue, I would know about it. And I'm wasting a year trying to get pregnant to find out. So you went and where did you go? Where was it again? In the Empire State Building.

That's right. That's right. I jerked off the Empire State Building. It's just funny. This guy's every day, hundreds of guys a week, just jerking off in a landmark. It was an Indian guy behind the counter. Really? So you go into the room and you go into an office as other guys there?

Yeah. And what happens? They give you a beak, like a little jar with a label on it. And they point you down the hall. Uh-huh. And you lock the door, you go in, they have like, like, porno. You have to lock the door?

No, you don't have to lock the door. And yes, it has porno and magazines, DVDs, all kinds of stuff. Right. And then you come out and you give it to the girl. Do you have to watch the DVDs or what do you do? I thought of my wife. You're fucking! I'm telling you the truth. Can you walk away for just one second?

No. Just please just walk away for one second. No, no, no. No, just, really? Maybe you're walking away? Just walk away for one second, but I just... Maybe I think it. One second, just one second.

One second. Did you really think of your wife? What do you think? I know. Look, she's not gonna listen to this. One second, did you really think of your wife? What do you think? No, look, she's not going to listen to this. I'm not sure I really think of my wife when I'm having sex with my wife. Okay, you can come back. You can come back, dude.

Come on. Come on. All right. I mean, it's hard. It's so hard. It's hard to focus. Oh, no, what you saying. I exactly know. I'm saying what you're here. I'm saying you love you. But here's the thing. So you hard to focus. Oh no, what'd you say about this?

Exactly what I was saying. I'm saying you love you. But here's the thing. So you're in there thinking about your wife. Yeah. No, he was. He said he was thinking about you. So you're in the Yamasta baby,

and you jerk off into the cup. Yeah. And do you get it all in the cup one shot? Or is it like a mess? All in the cup one shot. Yeah, lion. I tell all in the cup one shot. The kind Lion. I tell all in the cup one shot. Kinda aim is that.

Your problem is, is what you think the way that you do it, like your cum is the way I come. That's the problem. You're probably the, like, have you spray the furniture when you come? No, but I mean it comes out, the first one is like, robe, the, um. But you put the thing right over it.

So you put the thing on at the edge of it? Like, how did you put it on the top? over you put the thing on it the edge of it like How did you put it on the top did you bend it down? It's not it's pretty it's pretty big Well, I look there's people that might listen to this that might want to know how to do it You're helping people. Yeah, so get it like Exploring your people in the cup. Yeah, but you have you digs chicken straight up right? Yeah, but you kind of push it down the vert Horizontal horizontally push it down And then the right moment and then exactly All the cup yeah, yeah, yeah, now that but that doesn't some come out of the cup

No, now do you scrape off the top and pinch out the rest? Yeah, yeah, yeah Pinch out the rest and put it in the cup all of it goes in the cup He asked me to eat they tell you actually make sure you get all of it in the cup So you have to sit there and just squeeze from the bottom like you milk in a cow yes to get all of it in the cup. So you have to sit there and just squeeze from the bottom like you're milking a cow to get all of it in and then you put the lid on. And then you put your pants up, do you wash your hands? Did you wash your hands?

No, I didn't wash my hands. You didn't wash your hands? What? So you just went out and handed it to him? I didn't shake his hand, yeah. So you give him the cup and then you leave. Yeah. Now, what are there, they're other guys,

you bump into a guy with another thing of sperm and they could get mixed up. It could happen, didn't happen to me, but you're absolutely. All right, so you're walking, you give them your sperm and then how long to take, we'll find out. Like two days, I didn't tell her I was going. I think it was two days.

And how much did it cost? Not much, like 150 bucks. 150 bucks, 150 bucks, they charge you 150 bucks for you to jizzin a cup. Yeah, that's great Well, they got to handle it. What do they do with the jizz after? Do they tell you that? Is that scared? We don't question right? I mean, what do they do with that? I hope they send it to me when they saw a specimen like meat walking. They probably want to sell that jizz Yeah, I'm sure they wanted that's exactly trying to make us a superhero baby at the kind of gone boys from Brazil. This guy looks smart We already have the physique sperm when you the

Look just deal with it, okay, okay? So so you they call you back and they tell you what your sperm counts fine Oh, they this is it. I think that in between the time I I just in the cup and I got my results Right, I want you to actually got was pregnant really so so my doctor texted me Because they send a result to your doctor, right? So so I How do I go I texted my doctor? I'm pregnant. I mean, one-eaters pregnant. I text my doctor, one-eaters pregnant. And my doctor texted back, she's cheating. Like, you got my results. That's fucked up.

That's what funny doctor. So here's the thing, when you have insects, and you're trying to have have, I mean, like I have sex with my wife now, and it's baby sex. Yeah. I'm trying to make a baby, and it's fucking uncomfortable. It's like, because I'm trying to focus. And I'm like, what? Okay, on my wife. Oh.

Is that what I want to look at her, and I'm trying to make it some type of essential, but, you know, like sometimes I like the bang. I just like the bang and get on your belly and let me pull your hair and go off into fucking pants. What's wrong with that? You know, but I don't want my baby to be that night. Oh, Robert. I don't think it does in that. We weren't a calendar, normally since our dates come out. So you had sex just on those days? We specifically on those days. And other days you didn't do it

I was there you did it what but what if what did you get nervous that like okay? You fool around on a day you jerk off on a day. That's not the day and those were the good ones Well, that was the genius that was the Baton base of it. Yes, you shut bait over into the trash can or into the shower drain And you got fucking me. That's what you got now I do think it's like it's like pulling the wrong quarter the wrong card of the blackjack table and everyone else the table like Yeah, that's it. I've been the exact yeah, is that where are you? Yeah, yeah? Yeah Now do you want up but now do you want a really highly intelligent kid? Yes, or what if your kids are fucking hunk of shit?

That'd be a disaster really. Yeah, You're not gonna love it no matter what. I don't, I think I would. Do you think that... I can't... I can't. Big honest. I'm Jewish. Being intelligent is like...

It's not easy. If you're not having an unintelligent child. You don't want a kid with a long tongue. If I had not been smart... My father would not have loved me the same. That's weird. Yeah, I believe it. So it's got to be smart. Unless it was like down syndrome or something where he loved me because you're retarded.

Yeah, because it felt because it was a bond with a misfortune. Now if you have a retarded kid, is it okay for us to make fun of him when he's not around? We're gonna give him up for adoption if he's retarded. Yeah I'm serious. Really. I'm not. You guys are speaking from that not having your own children. So when you have your own child you're gonna see it doesn't matter. I'm kidding of course. I'm gonna love the child no matter what. Go over there again. Oh God. oh you know you can find that out you can find the stuff up where we are screening we are gonna do screening So you can find out if it has a birthday factor if it's down syndrome or not. I will tell you this I of course I know I'm not gonna reject the child of it But Juanita is so loving

She could literally adopt a tartar baby and be happy about right. I would adopt a child You would. You're not gonna. I won't let her. But I know. That's a big burden to have a child with special needs. Yeah. And if it's not your child, I guess for a man,

it may be harder than a woman. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, especially all the jokes we make behind your back. I know. Hey, no, here comes your son. Donnie. Hey, good. You can't show, no, here comes your son.

You can't show you make the mess. I'm throwing fucking match matches on the flow. Count those junior. 457. Yeah, definitely. But let me borrow your kid this weekend. I'm going to AC. I want to make a little. So don't jinx it. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're jinxing your own baby. Not much. You get my baby. I'm making fun of your baby. Yeah, and that God God has a way of. I don't evenx it. You jinx it in your own baby, too. Not much in your own baby, Joe. I'm making fun of you baby.

Yeah, and God has a way of ignoring that. I don't even know. I look at it. I've done two big ones. Have you got any girl pregnant before? Yeah, I've had an abortion when I was young. This girl was dating, she got pregnant, and she thanked God and killed it.

So you know you're alright. Well, that was back in the day. I mean, the last two times I've so you know you're all right. Yeah, she took it. Well, that was back in the day. So, I mean, the last two times I, you know, it was big ones. Like, if this didn't do it, honey, I don't know what to tell you. You know, how many days did you go before you did it? Three, because I'm not sure that's a good, I think, like, after three days, I'm in the spot. Oh, no, I jerked off a couple times.

Oh, you did. Yeah, that's what's killing me too, is I'm trying not to, I loved, I loved jerking off of my wife's at work. I love cranking one out at the table and going to my website and going to the shower, put one thing up and having the little shower, the massager behind me, it feels like something's tickling my nuts,

and I have all these fantasies, but when I go off on those fantasies, it makes me not want to bang my wife, because that's real, so I have to keep the fantasies in check to where I look at my wife and I go, I want to fuck that. Ooh, look, he did it.

And then I get, you know what I mean? So it's like this vicious circle I'm in, to, you know, to make this, you know? I know exactly which. And I don't want, I don't want, okay, I'm pregnant. Oh, great. When I was, when I fucked you the last time and I was actually thinking about you know

Fucking some Filipino lady boy You know, you should do it. You should do it a bunch of times right around that day So you won't know which time it was like when they a firing squad when they give one guy exactly No, which one killed them exactly And fire squad so somebody doesn't feel guilty. They killed somebody. Yeah,'t know which one killed them. Exactly. They're doing fire squats so somebody doesn't feel guilty. They killed somebody. Yeah. Nobody really knows who killed them.

Yeah, they don't know who has the bullet. The other three guys have blanks. One guy has the bullet and nobody knows who really killed them. So, alright, so fucking like nine times, like three, I'll fuck her four times, three times they get the fantasize about all kinds of weird shit and that one time I got to focus in and vampire fucker and really make it nice and who knows but you're using the fertility kit yeah she's using it to think that's really work for us yeah well then I found the oh makes me grow I found it in the fucking garbage I was cleaning the thing and I

found a little stick did you wipe pee in front of you now I hate that I can't stand we have we fight about it gross It sounds cannot stand the noise is we dig it's like what do you what is that running water? Remember my joke about that like where is it? I used to go where I don't even know where it is Sounds like a somebody milk like a horse pissing It's like jars sounds nice like running water like a Japanese garden It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, nugget mark, like they didn't, she doesn't do that. My wife. Your son does it all the time. My wife doesn't do it. She's very, I don't even know when she does it. I think she doesn't want some month, actually. I think she's trained her body to shit once a month, but every once in a while, like I never, I walked in one day and I was like, ooh, and then one time I walked in in the pad.

She was the pad, didn't flush. Oh, God. Oh, dude, I fucking yelled. I was like a rule number fucking 76 you flush like when you're on the parry I rules You flush that goddamn up you I'll put it fucks up everything. Yeah, they don't understand that Yeah, I don't they think if you love them like you should just The opposite you understand how hard it is to get to the point to actually just Want to be with you and love like to feel the love when we look at you To be like I love you and I just want to be with you know fucking oh my god that is and you guys want more

It's it's fucking she'll do a number two in front of me if I let her I Fuck that no way I ever rule this she can't when I'm gonna shit The beginning in the end, you can't be there. You can walk in in the middle and get something out of the draw. She can't walk in. She can walk in in the middle. At the beginning, the first couple pushes and at the end, you can't be there. You're way ahead of me. First of all, it takes me like 45 seconds to go to the bathroom. Right. So there's no middle. Boom. I love the fact that I've actually me and you were talking about such great shit the history of the comedy seller

where you've come and I've totally brought it into the garbage. Just a gutter. Have you talking about your wife taking a shit? I apologize. I have another question. Are you gonna be there when the baby comes out? We've been talking about this a lot. I don't want to see like the baby coming out. I tell I don't want to be at the bottom looking north, but I'd like to be at the top looking down. Right, you know what I mean? You know what I'm looking south. North looking south. If you don't want to see anything come out. No.

But you'll see the baby come out when you cut the cord. They want me to. Now why don't you want to moat? Like a lot of women want the guy to see that process that actually hurt. Right. Why would anybody want something to see? Because they think it's a bonding experience and it you know it's life it's natural you should get over it and it's something that will actually help your relationship. I think it will ruin my wife's vagina forever. It's going to. Yeah, I'm just gonna always envision just a blue head shooting

out of there. Oh. Well, sometimes they go to the bathroom on themselves. They shit, and they peeze the out of me. They have to cut the asshole and the vagina and make one big asshole vagina. She had, sorry. But that, you know, I don't wanna see that.

Now, of course not. Who would wanna see that? I don't want him to see that. I mean, like, I feel But that, you know, I don't want to see that. Of course not. Who would want to see that? I don't want him to see that. I mean, like, I feel like when women are pregnant, it's not, I feel like I'm not myself. I'm hormonal. I feel like I'm in an alien body. It's not me. If I were a woman and they were doing it to me, I wouldn't want to see it. Right. I wouldn't want to see a mirror. Just do it. Yeah, fuck that. It's disgusting. And then the placenta, whatever that old pocketbook that shoots out,

and whatever that thing is The afterbirth. Yeah, what the fuck is that? You're never gonna get that out of your head You see something you see after birth. What a fucking Bank It's just and you're gonna see it and they're gonna put it in a bowl and Fuck you and then now they probably just want to the cells right? Oh, that's from the court I want to save our yeah the placenta and they save it save it and freeze it so when stem cell research Yeah, it's a good idea that's I don't even think of that because our conversation to the night

They can be able to use stem cells for everything already already they can yeah to make a new liver and kidney and Burns yeah themselves for everything already already they can yeah to make a new liver and kidney and you can be the burns yeah close so your kids not gonna be Jewish the kid is not going to be Jewish really he's very very upsetting yeah I mean I mean I mean did you think your father would be pissed at that yeah he'd be he'd be upset about that. Why aren't you gonna, why can't you do it? Do what? Make the kid Jewish. I'd have to convert.

Why won't you convert? Because I, why would I convert? Or just convert for shit to giggles to get the kid? I don't believe in doing that. No ridiculous. Yeah, but just do it just for the kid. And it's actually something, it's another religion and another aspect of your life.

I don't want to bring up my child to it. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. What you would be. What you're doing is, it's like learning a different language. It's just expanding your horizons and to learning about your husband's family's background. And then you're actually bringing the kid up,

I'm sure he's gonna learn about fucking Puerto Rico and sync with the mile, whatever the fuck you guys, you got the emperor, right? No, no, no, no, no. So why can't he learn about that? I'm saying the wrong thing. I'm not against celebrating Jewish holidays or experience anything.

I just feel that I shouldn't have to convert for our child to experience that. Yeah, but he can teach him or her, whatever he's like, we can celebrate any holidays they want to, but I shouldn't have to convert. How long would it take? You should love me for me. Let me ask you, don't you have a reset a stone for Jews,

where you can do it over the internet? She could convert by next Monday, if you pay the right rabbi enough money. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Listen to me, why don't you just do it, and listen back, then you can push that out. Yeah, just go back. I'm not going to do that. Listen, stop, oneita. She doesn't love me. Oneita. You love me, why don't you just do it and listen back. Just go back. Listen, stop.

Oneita. She doesn't love me. Oneita. You love me, then you would. Oneita. I mean, who cares? I'd become a Jew. I had a Jewish foster father.

I know a lot of Jewish people. I've had a lot of Jewish people in my life. I would convert to Judaism to learn about it and to see about it and just to say it was a Jew for a month. You have to convert to learn about it. Yeah, but if I was in your position, I would do it just to enhance my background and to be part of that side of the fan. This is what I think. We want our child to be able to grow up and have the option to be whatever religion he wants.

Okay. So if you convert to Judaism, then he can be Jewish if he wants, or if you're Jewish, you can still be Christian. You can still believe in Jesus. But if you take away his if you're Jewish, you can still be Christian. You can still believe in Jesus. But if you take away his option to be Jewish, that's a cool thing. I'm not taking away his option because when he's older and he feels that he wants to embrace his Jewish side, he can convert.

Not a real Jew. He can't be a real Jew. Why will never be a Jew? It doesn't matter, but he will be. He'll never be a saint. If you convert, he'll be a real Jew. Because I already have a child who's not Jewish. I'm not gonna doubt that convert.

And he's gonna snuff a love against. Yes. Really? Are you gonna circumsize your kid? Yes. I gave into that, yes, he's going to that. I think you're gonna keep hammering or about the Jew thing. No.

I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing. I wish it was the way to do it without her knowing. I mean, there is. The names of her. You're in Thomper. You're in Thomper. You're in Thomper for six months. I'm hurt the son of a bitch and they ask her back.

So, I, okay, so that, congratulations about the baby. Sorry about it being fucking whatever it's gonna go to you now. Yeah. Wow. It's gonna be a beautiful, smart baby. It's gonna ruin your life. Yeah, but the juke thing, it adds a lot. It's gonna be a beautiful, not maybe, it's gonna be in your life. Yeah, but the juicing, it adds a lot. And you're fed right now.

The Jewish thing adds a lot. It does. Yeah, it does. Just like in this business. Oh. How many, how many Puerto Ricans made it in show business? I mean, regular show, but not that alto de mundo. I mean, if you don't do the technically,

the child has Jewish blood, blood, bloodmine wife. But because they have this stupid thing in the Jewish religion that the mother has to be Jewish. I'm still having my father's not a wife to use. You should do it for his father. You know what, I loved your father, but I think he would understand what I'm saying. No, he wouldn't.

No, you don't know him. No, you don't even know him. My father's attitude. My father's attitude would be, it didn't know. No, he didn't know anything. My father's attitude. My father's attitude would be, it doesn't matter. She conversed, he's still not Jewish. You're talking about a guy who hired Arab comics after September 11th, just to argue with him. He had to argue with him.

That's all he, he had a guy who had a, his, he know, beddala. His big closure was having a bomb under his fucking chest and he hired him the week after September 11th so he could argue with him. He would not understand. But like you said your father would never even if I converted I would not be a Jew so why would it go through all this. He would like the technical the technicality he would be happy about it. Once the babies here you'll get over it. Well let me ask another no all right so let's let's move off of this but so the I would like the technical, the technicality, he would be happy about it. Once the baby's here, you'll get over it.

Well, let me ask another, no, alright, so let's move off of this, but so the baby's not Jewish, your father's role in his grave, you burn the bridge, you say. How long have I had Dominican friend married a Jewish woman and their kid will be Jewish? Well, he doesn't have that option,

I guess you stole that from his soul. Oh, you really just killed a bloodline. He's killed a bloodline, my soul. She killed the bloodline. That's right, she killed the George Bloodline. Wow, Abraham to his children, his all the way to me. Yup, and now is me, let a Puerto Rican Indian kill it. It's for love, from Abraham.

Garantid, she's celebrating all those Puerto Rican days. Garantid is gonna like plantains and shit. Of course, you're right to be a little mad. You do it just so lucky, you got a Puerto Rican.'s a beautiful Puerto Rican girl though. How great is that? That's great. All right. What if you married a fucking little Like my friends did have you seen no You know, I don't like to talk on stage You know the homies wasn't good tonight. Can I remember she man like she's sexy and she's got an attitude, right?

She has attitude. Oh, she does have an attitude. God bless. Now, I just want to ask you, where do you see the comedy seller? Do you ever see the comedy seller close? I would never close it. I would never close it. Things can go wrong. Who knows, but I would never close it. Really? You never see it being closed.

No. So how long do you think the comedy shallow I mean good times and bad times if it goes into bad times again or whatever you ever I feel about these things that people think all everything has to come to an end and all that stuff but but I don't think comedy's ever not going to be a legitimate performance form. So I really believe that if we continue to do things right, it can last 100 years. And if it doesn't last, we will have done something wrong.

Are you ever going to change it? Are you ever going to make it better? Yeah, I would make it better, but how do you think you can make the comedy show a better? That's the question. The one thing we've talked about it is to improve our Video capability so that comics can get better and higher quality Videos of what they do other than that like I tried putting up one TV screen. No one made it worse. Yeah, no one's ever

Filmed a special here. No one because because I'm too I think it's too crammed You can't get enough distance from the stage. Right. You get a wide shot of the stage. Well Louis films your old film here but he knows you have a film to special here. I would love that. Well I want to can I tell you something? Sure. That I've been talking about with my management that now with the cameras the way they are they have small cameras. You don't need to, you know, big-ass cameras that we wanna try and hopefully with your permission to film my hour special here.

Yeah, try it and if it doesn't come out, why do you do something else? We wanna do black and white and we wanna try to make it use the D5, D7s, which are the small cameras that actually fill film on we actually did a test run last week down here I'll show you the clip what looks like you did a test run and we want to try to we want to try to film my special here with your permission of course You know and and if you do it and it comes out good other people will want to do it because everything is I want you to promise me that nobody can do it before me Nobody can do it for you got it. All right. I want you to promise me that because I want it do it because here's the thing is I want you to promise me that nobody can do it before me nobody can do it for you guys all right I want you to promise me that because I want it to be my

I think that the specials that are taking place its theaters with the big curtain and the backdrop and the big name and the pan and through the big crowd and blah blah blah like we said before I think comedy There's 120 people 130 people in a small room right there and I think that when you do a big theater show, the laughs are the same. They're good laughs, but it's almost this, wow, wow, wow. When you do a comedy club, you get the extra little fucking

chuckles and the snorts and the big bold laughs. And even when people miss it, and only five people got that line, there's a different energy in a small club. Also, doesn't it matter that you're performing in a place where you're totally comfortable where you perform a million times more? 100% matters. But absolutely, but also the crowd and the club

and no one's ever done it. No one's ever done a special here. I mean, people have filmed here, yes, but no one's ever done a special. And every time I see like live at Gotham or any of these shows I know it drives me crazy. Well I think that if you scan it through Comedy Central and all of a sudden you a black and white up close small crowd. It would look like that old the old shots of Lenny Bruce. Yes. That's what it was. Back in the day comedy when it was very cool. When it was

funny and I that's what I've been in the day. Yeah, I'm gonna be when it was the gaslight when it was when it was funny And I I that's what I've been Working on and we've been talking about working out the logistics of it and that's what I want to do with the club because my next hour I want to film here and The technology's actually caught up to what we could do it. Yeah, and and and make it really unique And I'll show you the clip. It's on my Who Say page. We did a little thing about that. So you, nobody can film until May.

You agree to that? I agree to it. I realize now that's the only reason you're doing this podcast with me is to now get me on the record. I never even was going to tell you that. Until there's still some logistics we got to work out because do we get somebody to pay to do it

as somebody getting involved, are we going to pay ourselves and then try to sell it or put it just out there. We haven't worked out all the logistics yet, but you do have to hurry because Paul McHurray will ask me to do the same thing. I'll kill you. I'll take out this whole fucking club. I will kill everybody.

But so that's it, man. I think that's the podcast. That's just getting started. Wow, you were actually fizzling on out. I was fizzling out. You started to hunch over, you're sweating a little bit. I think a lot of personal questions about my wife. We've got a feature friend now.

Yeah, well, I think that I would like to do another one with you again about different things the next time. Without your wife here. But not even just that. I think not even just about your wife, but to actually You know, it was other shit. I like that you like like technology show biz politics Stuff like that that I'd like to touch on maybe we'll come back in like a month or so and do this again

And you know, we'll see where you at what why don't you do a podcast like at the table one day we get some Lavaliers For like four or five Lavaliers that might do that, but again, you know the thing with the one-on-one or even just you two I like when the podcast just I don't know what I'm gonna ask you. I don't know what you're gonna say You don't know it's just shooting a shit. Yeah, that's why I like my podcast. It's not this big event It's not once you know, it's a one-days and I do this thing It's it's whatever it's with people I want to talk to and whatever we want to talk about and it just flows And then you know if the people want to listen to it, they fucking listen to it if they don't want to fucking listen to it They don't fucking listen to it. It's um, I don't want it to be this you know show that's

Produced and made into this fucking hey, we're at the comedy cell this Tuesday with all these lavaliers and fucking I know but if you could capture some of those moments at the table their prices is that their prices because nobody captures them that's the what makes them prices to make and I agree with you that I would do a podcast over there and do you know a few people that would definitely be good I don't want I would never want to make it a regular thing because then you lose the that that moment that's why you know me that's. I don't want to, I would never want to make it a regular thing because then you lose the, that, that moment. That's why, you know, me, that's why Colin didn't want to do the podcast for real.

Because then you'd lose what we were doing. It was just, of course, shit. It was just me and him talking shit and recording it and putting it out there for wherever one would listen to it. And that's what I kind of want my podcast to be like. It's just people talking shit and whatever happens happens. Sometimes they stink.

Really, some of these podcasts have got to be boring by myself just yapping into a microphone at three in the morning about technology and being lonely. And then, you know, these ones I actually enjoy, I did one with Keith a couple weeks ago, is really good. This one I actually, you know, is interesting to me. And it's not really trying to do shit,

interesting to the people listening to it, just if they find interesting good, hopefully they do which I think is fucking crazy, you know I mean the history of you And you yeah because you're just a fucking bore like in life You know like a dad he was awesome. I wish you could have done it But the thing is you know, I'm glad your wife was here to kind of keep it still I'm in it up Yeah, I can't believe your serious Way would have been would have been to have been able to interview my father. Oh my god

Your father was one of the funniest guys ever met him. I'm in my granddad my grandfather was really funny too But your father was the quickest Fastest funniest he would get you in a second. You don't even know you got he asked you a serious question And you know, he's just set. He asked you a serious question. And then he just set you up to fucking smash you. Try being raised that. I know it's funny that you, I mean, growing up in musta sucked. It's certain points when you look back on it. Now it's like, it's, it's, he was one of the fuck, one of the probably top five humans in my life. You know what I mean? I mean really like top five. He's one of the guys. I can't wait to when you think about dying

You're like I'll just I get to see him I get to see my grandfather I believe that he's one of the guys. I look I don't I believe that you'll yeah, you get to you get I don't believe that at all. Yeah, you boy yet Well, you know, see let's save for the next podcast. That's a whole nother thing And you wanted me to come back Well, that's what we're saying. You don't have to believe in shit. Just do the Jewish thing.

A multi-leg, coming a horrid, have some fucking baggle with fish on it. And call it a day. Just give the kid a shot at a life. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Trust me, I'm Catholic. So how about Jewish last name? She's got a shot.

Ah, if she converses with Judaism, the kids still gets affirmative action or all the benefits that we're old as minorities yeah they always right hey always we nobody always you're getting my Puerto Rican baby is discriminated against yes he's gonna get affirmative action get a scholarship right to be a quote of how many I don't need to get the same test scores Yeah, hopefully not He's gonna be in a fucking Michelle Siphon movie I'm a white teacher come in and teaches him how to fucking the way No, I think he's gonna be very lucky to be brought up in this environment the way you were brought up

And I mean, I mean you own MacGoogle Street To be brought up with with all the art and creativity around him with the attitude and personality and the people that he's going to be exposed to. You know, much like your kid is now. I actually really look if he's a boy we're going to name him many after my father. That's great. And I really look forward to not when he's a baby with like three, four, five years old,

bringing him to the table and The fact that his name is manny everybody's really Know it's gonna suck as your son manny's gonna fucking tell me to beat it someday What that fucking old loser around yeah, I know he was part of it. I get it read father in but that died with my dad Fuck it. He's, pays full price for fucking hummus. I will thank you for doing this. I really appreciate what you did this year. In a couple of weeks. And this podcast, you can find on Stitcher app.

And I'm actually going to be on, you can check this podcast out on BlurryholeRadio.com. I'm brand new to the radio network, but I don't even know what the fuck it is, it's a web page with other podcasts. I don't know what they call it radio. It should be fucking Bloryhole websites, but I'm a part of the BloryholeRadio.com community. So if you want to check out the website, go to BloryholeRadio.com, check it out there, the podcast, Jim Florentine's up there. The Jersey jerks and a bunch of other really cool and gloryhole radio podcasts itself.

So check it out there, the podcast, we're really good shit. And again, thank you, gnome, thank you Juanita, mamacita, and congratulations on your baby. And I will do this again soon. Okay, thanks Robert. Take care. Thanks again for listening to another episode of You Know What Dude Podcast on GloryholeRadio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the Gloryhole Network. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word Fart when you register.

I tune users, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show and you want to show your support, go to GloryholeRadio.com, slash Robert Kelly, and hit the donate button. $10 will get you a shout out on the air, $20 will get you my first C.D. Lee, Robert Kelly Live, not available in stores. If you have any con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras des esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelas desde Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.