Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Tommy Pope & Carmen Lynch | Philly Trash

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

This week Bobby is joined by comedians Tommy Pope and Carmen Lynch. They talk about TV pilots not getting picked up, why Bobby is jealous of women, and Tommy keeps stealing Bobby's notes. This episode is sponsored by GhostBed Listeners can get 40% off all products sitewide! Use promo code YKWD at GhostBed.com/ykwd for 40% Off Sitewide. Limited Time Only. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This is the original. Original. Original. What's up everybody, it's Robert Kelly. You know what, dude, podcasts at the comedy seller studios above the world famous comedy seller. We're back again with streaming live. This is going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you want to watch the show live

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it's a entertainment, I've been doing this longer than all of them, I'm a motherfucker. We got a great, I mean, I'm very excited to have my guests here today. We have two guests, but my first guest, we got somebody joining us jumping in late, who I love, I've been on the show before, but this is a first time.

Yeah, first time, I'm very excited. I knew you couldn't go through it. I knew you couldn't get through the intro without yapping. I knew it. Didn't I tell you that? What? It felt like you need a little help. I don't know.

You were slowing down. Dude, I was slowing. You run out of gas. You're, my fucking fault, man. Ruining everything. So why you don't do it in the morning? Please, please introduce our guests. We have a comic and a host of stuff island, Tommy Pope.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, he's working on introductions. It's good. I mean, that's, that's strong. That was, that was powerful. That's. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, he's working on introductions. It's good. I mean, that's strong. That was powerful. That's just powerful, boy. We have, we have, uh, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's, he does have a personality. Well, let's go, let's see if Joe can do any. Joe, do you try? Good, Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Pope, whoa. Too much. Let's go to Danny, Danny, you try. On today's episode we have special guests.

Ah, you're too nosy. Mush, can you please try? This week's guest is Tommy Pope. I like that. It was all right. It was subtle. I like that. He's tired of everybody's shit.

Anyways, buddy, listen, I gotta say this kid. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you this. Yeah. Everybody's up Matt Rife's ass, Matt Reef, what is it? Right. I know, I know. I mean, this kid's on fire.

Yeah. And I love it. I think this kid, nice guy. Pure sex. Great guy. Good looking. I mean, shirt off on the billboards. That's the cornyest shit in the world.

I'm gonna tell you right now, everybody's up his ass. I'm up your ass. Say you all, look at this. Yeah, this is, well, you're wearing, is this linen? There's got old re-box, no socks, you're wearing, I mean, you got your rolled up, your cups on the bottom. I mean, due to you, the sexy guy in common.

I like this. You're the guy. This is this is how everybody should be in Chalmy. You're the guy. I think you're being gentle. You should have a board. I think you're fucking right. I think you should be a close should sponsor you. You're used to hanging around with bed books. You know what I mean? You're not used to laying eyes on somebody that can actually I walked in, dude. You lit me up. Yeah Yeah, you let me out. I got a energy like I love my wife. Yeah, I love my wife say I walked in say it something I you're thinking about it dude something. Yeah, I don't know what it was what I'm not saying listen I

What the fuck is it you don't you're off there's a you smell good. Yeah See it's you just got a you kind of care a little bit care a little bit you look great Dude listen listen you look great dude. You're on the fucking you like this dude. You're like you're like You're like what's coming in here? Oh, can't be good Clooney you're fucking a mixture of them all kids. Yes, dude I mean hey look at this. I mean guys guys, look at you. You're the ugliest four people I know. Look at that. Well, most comics look like they fell through lost and found, you know what I mean? Most comics look like Gabbosh. Yeah, yeah.

This this Matt Rive kid, I love him. I think it's great. Good for him. Yeah. Good look. I mean, this guy's sexy as shit. Oh, yeah. I pick you. Yeah. I say you're the sexiest guy in comedy. Listen, I say he's number two. I'm gonna, I'm back. You understand? Yeah, I'm you. Yeah. I say you're the sexiest guy in comedy. Listen, I say he's number two. I'm gonna, I'm back. You understand?

Yeah, I'm back. I'm gonna have 70,000. I don't actually don't want hot chicks. You don't want hot chicks at your shows. Why? Cause it's not a, it's annoying. Unless, and then that's something's off. If you got to, yeah.

Less your hot. Now listen, listen. But even hot women don't, they're not showing up at my shows. Yeah, we don't want hot, you don't. You don't want, if you got to pack a hot chicks at your shows, you're probably not saying the right things. Well, no, I, I, I listen.

You're saying something different. But here's the thing, if you get hot chicks at your show, I have a rule at my show when I do my pussy cats. Yeah, I do my pussy cat on Tuesday night, seven, eight, I run my hour. Yeah. And the rule for the people who seat the room. No hot chicks. Around the front, me or uglier.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Am I lying mush? Yeah. You want it like a fucking bowling reunion. Yeah, exactly. I want Kingpin. Yeah. In the front row.

Yeah, just dudes with ponytails at the front. It makes fucking an animal. It makes me so happy when you see some hot chick on the back on her phone, or trying to get to a phone in the little bag. Yeah, it's, it's the way. If I see a hot chick in the front and her boyfriend's usually like,

it's totally upset. What is it about hot chicks at comedy that don't mix? Unless, unless you're smoking hot. If you're smoking, I mean, when I used to do the shows, I'd do the big arenas with Dane, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'd come out. I mean, 20,000 people.

Yeah. 10,000 are hot. No, no, no, no. Well, you're a lot of them are hot. But you around the stage is all the hot chick, right? For the camera. And I come out, I'm murderin'. Yeah.

Fucking murderin'. And you see them on their phones. Yeah, they don't give a fuck about it. They don't give a fuck about it. But as soon as Dane popped out and leaned on an ass sheet, Yeah, fucking sick out. fuck about it. They don't give off fuck. No, but as soon as Dane popped out leaned on an ass sheet. Yep fucking Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh my god, dude. Yeah Oh my god, they were flipping out new Bobby's probably got some hot ass in the crowd. No, I got hot chicks

But they got cancer freckles on their chest Yeah, Jersey termite. Yeah, they got little Yeah, Jersey termites. Yeah, they got little, they got little, they got, they got, they got, they got wrinkly elbows. Yeah, yeah, it's all my aunt's, dude. They get mom elbows. Oh, freckle monsters. Yeah, you could fuck their elbows.

Big tin cans full of freckles. Yeah, oh my aunt's. I mean, listen, meat wagons. I, look, I like one of girls here in the crowd. I love a hot chicken. Yeah. I love any chicks in the crowd at all. A lot of my shows are fucking, you know, they're kevvy.

It's because of my comedy. You know what I mean? But I love when girls show up. I love it. You must have a ton of chicks come and show them. No, well, I'm just starting to get the ball rolling. Okay, what is this? What is this time off stuff?

I don't know. I just stopped doing stand-up for five years. Why? I don't know. I just stopped doing stand up for five years. Why? I don't know. I was all fucked up. On what? Just my head was out of the game. I didn't like it.

I didn't want to do it. Where are you from, Philly? Yeah. You're from Philly. Yeah. You're coming up. Yeah. You pop in Philly.

Yeah. We sold a show called Delco Proper to Comedy Central. It didn't get picked up. With who? Uh, John McEver. Yeah. Gillian Keys. Okay. So you sold this show and it didn't get picked up with who? John McEver. Yeah, killing keys. Okay. So you sold the show and it didn't get picked up. Pill in the pilot didn't get picked up. I went in with black hole, baby. No, can I tell you that I know that feels I shot a couple of those things.

Yeah. You know, one of my really it was me, Godfrey, and two other actors. Black or Jew? Godfrey? Yeah. Oh Godf Jew. Godfrey? Yeah. Godfrey. Godfrey, the Lackas comedian. Yeah. I'm a Gilbert. No, no, no, I got you.

I got you. It's fucking close, right? I mean, you gotta pronounce your words, Bob. You gotta really hit that D at the end or the Y, baby. Come on. You're right. It's 11 a.m. Let's get going.

Hi, ballad, guys. Who's watching this live? Everybody. What kind of savage? You're fucking. My fan base has been up since four. Yeah, this is like a painter's lunch right now. Yeah, they're retired.

They're retired. Yeah, there's a plumber's dinner. They had to get their grandkids to school. So what I just got. Oh, so yeah, it is a terrible feeling because here's the thing when you film a pilot, people don't know. In your brain, get it. It's over. Because you have to write it, pitch it, and sell it. I was picking up boats. Yeah, dude. When they pick it up and they make the pilot, you're like, oh, this is going.

This is it. This is it. Yeah. And then that about a bunch of purple hair purple banged women from the West West coast decided we were to masculine. Is that what it was? That's what it was. They said it was too much. Right at the right at the top of the the world. And woke. Oh my God. Yeah. So Netflix. Was it Netflix? No, comedy such comedy central. And they're gone. They're gone. They're gone. They make you feel good. No, okay. No, no, I don't give a fuck.

I just want it to be on a fucking... You know the hard part about it? Nice show. They bought it, right? They filmed it. And they won't sell to anybody else. And they won't give it to anybody. They bury it.

Yeah. Because God forbid they sell to somebody else and they bear it and it kills. Yeah. And then they'll kill it. And they've done that. So they'd rather just kill it and bury it. Yeah. And nobody can find that little treasure.

No. And then they pick up another dog should show instead. That only goes one season. Yeah. The heads don't roll. Nobody's held accountable. Nobody is. That's why it's season after season garbage.

And they take these people like pedophile priests. Yeah. You know in the Catholic church when some do dittles. Yeah. They just throw them to like another parish sure That's what they do with these executives. So they make the wrong decisions for two to three years and they just throw the executive would be the Vatican Mm-hmm, and and and you are the company such you are the pet you are the pedophile priest I could be well in that scenario you are yeah, yeah, well no while you said that it's my executives at pedophile priest.

No, the executive is the Vatican taking the thing, right? Bob, you got a pen. Yeah, to expand it again. I want to, I draw it. You want me to draw it? To expand it again. Comedy Central. The Vatican.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. The executive. Yeah. A diddler. The diddler. The diddler. Okay.

Yeah. I wish it's a nice little church coming by. Are you looking for communion? I want want to get a payout you want to get a payout. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah You know what I can't say that You can't? No. I don't think he can say that. I was trying to think of the yeah, what are the what the what boats and fucking Italy? What's the greasy boat? Referee Get in the loop I got the one a god the god my god Fuck dude, my uncle came in real quick, huh? All the carpenters watching this will really enjoy that.

Yes. All right, so I get it now. I understand that. I thought because the way I took it is that you guys were the pedophiles. No. The show was the pedophiles and the Comedy Center was a Vatican, they just took it and buried it

They could that okay, right? Yeah, just just to end this. I'll say you're right Jesus Christ We're gonna keep going to fucking circle. Are you fucking wet in your lip? I am listen. You're sexy enough This is unnecessary sexiness I'm bullshit. Do you see this? I'm obsessed with chapstick, bro. That's because you're fucking never finish a chapstick It's like it's like getting a kid to 18. I'm fucking believe it. Ah I'm not a bit. This isn't my fucking chick bit. I've never met anybody who's finished the chapstick You lose you lose chapter to the fucking ass of a cat chap dude that is impressive. Who's kept the chapstick the whole time daddy? I've I've put seven at least seven or eight to rest.

I haven't even done it with the older one. I give him a proper burial. So I put it in a fucking shoe box, buried in a yard, that's my pug. So you, so you, you're pugs in the back? Yeah, we buried my old pug in the middle. Did you? Yeah, my new dog dug it up.

There's a funny, are you serious? I said my wife said my dog died, I had I shared my wife said, my dog died, I had a bit about it, but my dog died in the middle of the night, my wife, the dog loved my wife. Didn't like me too much. Yeah. We had two, the other one liked me a lot. Yeah.

This one was like, whatever, sleeping, died in the middle of the night, my wife came out crying, holding the dog. Oh, dude. And so we're crying in the kitchen, and then it's, but it's, it's four in the morning and it's midwinter. Yeah, I Mean it's like you can't you can't break ground

Well, yeah, she was like what do we do and I was like I don't know Put it I was like put you know, she's like what I she was like we'll put them in the freezer. I'm like oh my god I was like I just bought steaks. I really just bought steaks and chicken I was like I'm a fucking ruin and that and I was like just get I took it outside and I I pitch forked I dug a hole. Oh, yeah, there's and I put it in the hole But I you didn't go too deep. I know I went all right deep not The picture they go hole. I'm a pitch for you. What are the shunkey show the shovel the spade it's a shovel Use the pitch. I have to take a hole. I'm not a pitchfork.

What are the shunkeys? The shovel, the spadey to the shovel. You mix up a pitchfork in a shovel? Yeah, whatever the fuck it is. What is going on? And then I buried the thing. I'm a little package. I put the dog in, but I put it in a tubware container.

What kind of dog we talking? It was just a pug. Well, that's funny, because she was like, I put, I buried him in the tub or a container. She's like, he fit, I'm like, he does now. Cause I had a kind of, yeah, you've been one leg doing it all the way. Yeah, I had a, not the, I didn't break it. Yeah, snap it. You got a good fellow that little fuck is in there.

And then I had to go dig him up the next night. Oh my God, why? Because she's like, because it was gonna be, it's in a little, you don't bury a dog in the topway. That's a coffin. It's never gonna decompose. It'll get to be,

you know what I mean? No, I won't get through plastic. Wait, so you pitch forked, you're not pitchfired, a shovel. You shoveled your dog into a top of wear? No, and then you put him in the top of wear. And then I dug a hole, put the top of wear container in the hole and buried it.

Yeah. The next night I had to go back and take them out of the topware, wrap them in like a blanket, just put them in the earth. Yeah. And then bury them in the earth so we go into the, so we can dig a hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the topware container, you just open it up and like if someone found that, they'd be like dog soup. Oh my God, you know, in a couple of years. It would just, you know, yeah, the summer comes around. Yeah, be gross. Wait, so your new dog dug up the old dog. The new dog went in and dug up the old dog. Kind of dogs a new dog. Burn summer comes around. Yeah, be gross. Wait, so your new dog, the old dog.

The new dog went in and dug up. Oh, kind of dogs a new dog. Bernadoodle. Well, Bernadoodle. Yeah, what are you saying like that for? What a pug's any better? Is that a Burmese? A pug is a fucking single woman dog.

What? Second guest is here. Already? Yeah. Okay. All right, we got to, you know, you know our second guest. We have a second guest coming in for the show today. The car?

Common electro everybody. Good. Is coming in, come on in. Come on in. We're just talking about dog death. I'm like, no, it's not common. I like, don't get excited, boys. It's common lich.

It's... It looks great. It's taller, sexier. I haven't seen you in a long time. Sit right there. Amazing. Not really smaller boobs. And a carbon electron D1?

I was kidding. Yeah, you don't want that. You really smaller boobs. And a carbon electron D one. I was kidding. Yeah, you don't want that. You don't want that. What do you want? Now, am I crazy? Is he the sexy-sky in comedy? Come on. Where you stop?

Honestly, when I walked in, I was like, oh. Okay. Right? Like with hair. And the tan, you know, these guys. I let this go on way too long in the beginning. Yeah. I'm gonna put a fucking anew it now.

No, you're not. Yeah. No, you're not. Yeah, no, you're not. I love it. I'd rather talk about your two dead dogs. I would rather talk about your hair, your tan, and the way you're holding the microphone, just let it be where I'm at. Are you trying, or is this just natural to you?

Natural, yeah, it's just natural. You don't even try, you just. Yeah, I tried doing my hair. I put fucking moisturiser on it. But I just let you just get tan like this all the time, or you working on it. I get Latina when June comes around. No socks, look at his socks.

There's no socks. This is something. I miss his Natsi. You're all horned up. I'll beat you all. We could just look at the cameras. No, we can't. No, because then you'll dump me. You won't talk to me. No, I got a juice here. You're all, you're what you got to do. I got a juice here.

I love a tag, guys. I have such fucking crazy words. I'm gonna juice you. I'm gonna take a pint. I'm gonna gong to Lynn you. Would you call me a gong to Lynn? I get the loon. I'm gong to take a pineapple. I'm gonna gong the line you would you call me a gong The moon on gondolune also That's probably gonna come up bad We're gonna be but don't worry about it. Oh worry about it. We got a bunch of game the loons

Yeah, you say two times. Uh-huh two times. Get the moon. I have no idea what boat Okay, the Italians go underneath the bridge was that on the sopranos that word? Or is that a... I think so. I don't know Italian stuff. I'm Spanish. You are Spanish. Why? She can speak it.

Yeah. She sounds like you have Spanish jokes. Yeah, so doing a special in Spanish. Yeah, that's what Sigur did, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. He did or he's doing it. I can't remember.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you get a time machine, so I go back and learn a fucking little the language second language. How's this? I'm going to do a uno joke. Yeah, my wife's pussy Vagina is that what it's called or that's chocha. It depends if you're in Latin America It's chocha if you're in Spain. It's Conello your Spanish though. You're from Spain. I'm from Spain You're the you're the you're the you're the you're the you're the you're the other ones who conquered the apocalypse That's why Latinos are always like when I stand from Spain

They make out for right you don't want like yeah, but they look at you like yeah you conquered us and what are you a snob? Oh, you might you less getting with Tommy sitting. Yeah, that is true. Why am I not we can swap? No, it's just a weird. I should be there going back and forth I feel like now you I feel like the host is I'm sitting on like this. Do I'm just enjoying your do a comment right now Because I got fucking I got three autistic assholes that don't know how to fucking set shit up Well, they told me to sit in the middle and I was like that cuz they're dumb. That's they're all dumb It's not choice. He told you together. You're great.

Yeah, the Voltron of Valtices. Yeah, like I should be sitting there. You can swap. No, that's what. Oh, so I looked up the, I looked up the glass guy. I want that seat now. Look how short you put me. I know.

I know. There you are, tall. Damn. I am taller. Hey, let me ask you a question. You have an album, a special coming out. Please, yes. It's in Spanish. Well, I've went in English question. You have an album, a special coming out. Please, yes. It's in Spanish. Well, I've went in English too.

You have two different ones. The seller is, no, the comedy seller is on Monday, June 26th. That's the one I want your people to come to. What is that? What do you mean? Is it in English? Is it in English? And it's a different special than the one in Spanish?

Yes. It's the same one in English. It's about 50% the same. 50% the same. So it is the same. I mean, it overlaps, some of the material overlaps. But yeah. So you do a whole one in English. Yeah.

You did one in Spanish already. No, I'm doing it July 15th. Where are you doing that? In Barcelona. Oh, shit. That's sick. And a barfabr. You have people in from Barcelona.

Yeah, we got a ton of people. Benira Micho, in Barcelona, el quince de Julio. And you know what's crazy? The place I'm doing it called Jamboree. That's where my parents met. Do you speak with a list in them? See Barcelona.

Oh. Fairbale. So you like that? Barcelona women? Good lord. What's up? Yeah. What's up, Beni-dami show?

Let's go. What's up, Beni-dami show? Let's do the whole show in Spanish. See. Fly me out there, open up. See? Tell a joke in Spanish. I dare for you. They don the whole show in Spanish. See. Fly me out there, open up. See? Tell a joke in Spanish. But therefore, you don't know you in Spanish.

Just fucking shake hands. Shake hands. They don't shake hands in the dance. They kiss. They do kiss. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this.

How you doing? I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take this.

I'll take this. I'll take this. I'll take. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, I've been to a christening, in Philly, it's understandable, but it's a little different. Once you get to the third... You go there in Barcelona, Spain to fucking... To Philly? Oh, 100%. You're a garbage. No, it's the same garbage people.

That was really mean. No, les cuaches, ¿eh? Que no es verdad. These people are conquerors. Nah. What are you talking about? They're conos. They're conos!

You guys conquered the world, right? Back in the day, right? We're just a bunch of coios. Yeah, fucking. Yeah, we potted. We've got three billion coios. I'm saying words I have to be. I want to get them coming after me.

So you spread the word. We were just talking about Tommy Quick Comedy. Did you really? Let me finish. Just for a little bit. I'm gonna tell you why. Okay. You're quick comedy had a pilot that didn't get picked up.

It's not the reason, but I just wanted to say it's part of it. Is that what I wanted to say? I got dark and I just stopped doing comedy because I was upset. Yeah, but all your friends kept doing it. Not all of them. Why who didn't, who didn't keep doing it? Um, McKeever, he stopped for a little bit. Yeah. Um, yeah, I guess they did. Everybody kept doing it. Pop. Did they try to get you to keep doing it? Yeah.

They're giving you a pep. Oh, yeah. Shame was on my ass. That's why you look so good. He looks so relaxed. It's because he took time off. I got to know me. And I'm a real queen. I know. I went right out. Baby shot right down the right down the foot. I am. I don't want to don't, babe. Have you ever been in something like a big movie No, no, that's surprised. I know I was on corny shit like What's a cop show SUV what's it? Oh on order? I did long order. I did I did

I'm gonna I'm gonna Fox cartoon right now. What is it called it's called hoagie brothers? It's it comes out next summer Huh, is it a Philly thing? Yeah, right around Philly. It's how it shows it. Philly thing. It is. Yeah, it's a it's a global thing. We just let other people fucking up too. It's a hero. Are you a hero? I say sub. Sub. Yeah, it's a sub. Boston says sub. Let me get a sub. That's sad. What do you mean? Sad. It's a sad word. You call it a hero. A hero to me is fucking I call it a hokey. Spider-Man. Firefighters. Yeah, sub is like 9-11. You guys have fucking, you worship a sub.

Go fuck yourself. There are people at garbage. Sub is like putting your dead dog in a Tupperware. That's very depressing. Don't bring it. If I open up to you, what was the dog's name? I know.

If I open up to you, I'm gonna say something nice about your dog. If I open up to you, you don't fucking bring it back in my face. I told you that I buried my dog and I fucked up. You're right. Dead dogs aren't fun. His name was Kelby.

Kelby. My last name and my wife's last name, whether it be in Kelly, Kelby. Oh, no. Wow. You kissed me. She wouldn't even touch me. She goes.

She goes. I just go like that. What is that? Just touching you. I don't want to reach over. Are you married now, right? No, I mean, we live together. We're common law married. No is that just touching you? I don't I don't want to reach over. Are you married now, right? No I mean we live together. We're common law married No, that's not right. That's a woman. That's a woman thing. No, I don't care about marriage

Are you with the regular what that means common law that means she gets half his shit? Is that I don't think it exists in New York. I think I don't think it is common laws like 13 years, isn't it? I thought it was seven. Oh, we've only been together seven. You got a shit 13 years, isn't it? I thought it was seven. We've only been together seven. I don't know. I don't know. 13 years. No, someone told me, and then they told me later that New York, there's no common law. Is that somebody you'll lawyer? No, someone in the audience.

They're like, how long have you been dating your boyfriend seven years? You're common law married. No, you're not. They said, yeah, you just go across state land, you're married. Come back, you're not. I think you get benefits. Like you can unplug them off the ventilator and stuff.

Oh, nice. So what's happening? I guess his family will take care of him. Can you look up common law marriage in New York? Please, I have. It has not existed in New York. It doesn't. It's on fucking point.

Oh, good one. Mosh one. The other ones zero. Dean, I, I, what's, what's the benefit at this point besides taxes to get married? You know, well, if something happened, you get his stuff. You know, you know, if something happens, he doesn't have that much. Oh, wow. When he's fine, he's fine.

He's a writer. He's on strike right now. He's a WGA guy. Yeah. Do you go out there with the? When sag does, when sag does it, I'll do it. Yeah, you'll do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you getting all these voice mails from like 85 year old women? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I got voice mails from like 85 year old women? No Yeah, yeah, cuz I got I'm in the writers union. They call me in the sack this weekend Yeah, it's some like I got it some woman like dying. Have you pick it yet Robert? God no, huh? Have you pick it in I don't pick it. I don't do arts and graphs Pick it up markers and write a sign for some like a kid with his fucking class. I'm Harry fat Dildo that's out of work for three days. I love that I ask and people are like, uh, no, I've been busy No, I can't no, I look at I would if they needed me. Yeah, but I'm gonna show up and they're gonna be like what are you doing here?

3x1 3x1 3x1 3x1 3x1 3x1 3x1 Tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno. Esta es la tres por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu del tres por uno en medianas a domicilio, solo pidiendo el line. ¿Saparao?

Tres por uno, tres por uno. ¡No, no, no! ¡Dominos! ¡Pizza! Ya, que te lo he hecho. ¿Dónde es una muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy I need that right is a kind of country. He just have to show up on to it green and then you're good. I'll show up a food. Well, she's what I want food. What are you doing today?

I don't know. Well, your husband, boyfriend, he's probably writing or something. He can't be put it down. Put it down. No, I don't need to be like a journal, you know, like I do. I'm not writing them out, true. Oh, we're not. Cut that out.

Cut that. Cut it. It's crazy. Mark that. He's a boyfriend. He's a criminal. He's a criminal. He's a cross in the pickup line. He's not doing anything. Yeah, you just said he's writing, but I mean, you can journal. I mean, I allowed to journal and write new Joe. Oh, you cannot. No, you cannot. Okay, they take it out. That's crazy. Take it out. He's fucking. I mean, he's probably

doing something. I don't know. Probably doing something. Fuck across the pick a line. I would love to drive by with like a paintball gun. Light those p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- That's it. You're garbage. But the visual guys, come on. I'll piss him speaks. Don't scare them, they're scared of you. Just a thought of picking writers. Take that bunch of money to high school. Right guys. Well, Joe Russell just peed his pants.

I don't know, I think that what Netflix is doing to be serious, all the streaming services are doing, back in the day, they had a writer's room, they had a, you know, you respected us right now, they cut the writer's room down, you don't get residuals, you don't get shit, they pay one lump for that thing, that's it, everybody gets fucked.

And then they collect the money forever. And then they can do whatever they want. This is the petafile prec want. This is a good thing The don't give the pedophile the pedophile precinct doesn't float. It doesn't this too. I go ahead give it to say it Come on confident with it. You I was describing how these executives I was describing to this monkey how executives within within the business They greenlit they greenlight chose they get canceled after one season two seasons max Hmm, and then they never get held accountable right and then they just they put them to another organization like Amazon or Netflix or

Comedy Central. Yeah, but if I'll priest yeah, they just throw them to another power show them. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, you hide them you hide them and they make more bad decisions. I'm Catholic. I get it. Yeah, it makes sense Yeah, okay see it may it does make sense They get it though really I got it, but I thought it was another thing I thought he wrote the pilot him his friend and they they the the company And they date the company. We're sweating like a priest. It is how to shit in here.

Yeah, I know. We didn't put the AC on these monkeys. We got mush. It was on. We turned it off so it didn't make noise on the microphone. Sorry, guys. It's all right. Yeah, but he quit. Comey, five years.

That's just crazy. Wait, so we have a quit? Yes, I did. You did. I did. Maybe 2004. I'd been doing it two years, and my parents were giving me a really hard time

because I went to college and I was pre-med. And they were like, pre-med. But only for one semester, but still, they were like, she's gonna do things. And then they're like, what are you doing? Like every, I mean, I stopped talking to them for a year because they were just calling me all the time. Like, what are you doing with your life, I mean, I stopped talking to them for a year because they were just calling me all the time. Like, what are you doing with your life?

And I said, maybe I am rebelling. Maybe I was so, you know, fogged up because I was very, do what your parents do. Oh yeah, you went from pre-med to a bringer show. So then I quit and I said, I said, I'm just gonna stop and see what happens. And it took about a year before I was like, oh, I'm just gonna stop and see what happens. And it took about a year before I was like, oh, I'm miserable.

I'm gonna go back. Good for you. It took about a year, but I'm glad I did it, yeah. You go back to school? No, I went back to comedy. Oh, sorry. I went back to being mad. Oh my God, try and pay attention.

I just got to, I was miserable doing comedy. Went back to pre-med. I was looking for a happy ending. That's all true. How I'm a dad, true. Yeah, if your kids are telling you, they're gonna be a doctor, they're just doing it because they want you to be proud of them.

Yeah. I mean, that's what I did. I made me too. I just can't. Well, they're proud of you now. Well, now they're old and they can't stress anymore. They're too old to worry. Yeah.

And then my sister had kids, so they everything that they wanted me to do, it's been done. Well, if you need a hold dog with a pitchfork when your parents go night night, Bobby's your guy. Shuffle, but yeah, I fuck that. They want to be burned. But he doesn't let things go because he's from Philly. Look at this show topic. Tommy's from Philly.

That's why you've been saying it. I'm fucking real. I was wondering what you've been reading notes. You've been studying on the way here? So it says you influence Shane. The what? You influence Shane. Yeah, you did.

I did, baby. What do you mean? What does that fucking mean? I don't know, where'd you get that? Did he say that? What else you got there? Bring it over. Oh I don't know where'd you get that? Did he say that? Bring it over. It was a shame and I see my notes my notes and my notes. All right. What's gonna come up? I want to we were on the road together like 10th 12 years ago. You had a him. Yeah at that time. Yeah. So he was He was open for me. Yeah. No shit. How proud of you of that. Oh, I'm so proud of him. It's crazy. Yeah. It's not stupid.

How proud are you of that? Oh, I'm so proud of him. It's crazy. Yeah. It's not stupid. It's so crazy because he still lives with us. He still lives with me. It's crazy. I mean, you guys have a nice place.

I can't tell you how much you need to wean. Change it on the building. Shaken on the block. Yeah. Why doesn't he fucking do it? It's because I love it. Don't do that. Don't influence him with fucking glasses and sneakers.

I will just give me some of it then. That's what I said. I said, go, why don't I have a car? Chain. I should have a car. Yeah, she ain't, it's crazy. Tommie gets a car. You know how many times I kiss him on both sides of the cheeks?

He doesn't give me not. Kiss him on the mouth, he'll give me. I will. I gotta level up. You're gonna have to fucking punch him in the lips and swallow up to find. It was thin lip. I'm 5 10 in the hand. I'm thin lip. I'm 510 in a half.

I'm not you. I'm talking about a thin lip. I give the half right directly to the camera when I fucking audition to say 510 in a half. Because it matters. Are you around in October? Huh? That's what they say in the editions.

Are you around in October? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you 510 in a half. I'm 580 in a quarter. Oh yeah? I say a quarter too. Yeah. I always do that.

That's so cute. That is free like because I've seen so many people, but that kid skyrocket. He's crazy No one's fast growing faster. I think no, no It's outside of that hot kid now him and his friend too, but his friend is his partner that does the podcast with Matt McCusker. Yeah, he doesn't do stand-up. He does say look. He's got an album coming out He just filmed his how come I know he's at the clubs or anything. He doesn't do stand up. He does stand up. He does stand up. He's got an album coming out. He just filmed his special. How can I know if he's at the clubs or anything? He's in Philly.

He just stands up. He's got a found. He's got two kids. I think he might be moving. I'm not going to speak for him, but I love it that they changed. Everybody thought you had to come to New York, sweat it out, get a thing, and with through podcasting and stuff like now, people can actually just do what the fuck they have.

Have a family be happy. You can prove you're funny consistently outside of just once that's great and you got your podcast my podcast is called stuff Island with the crystal car which is don't pretty well yeah I want to ask your question yeah is it still up yes is it yes it is okay I'll send you a picture today okay is that why you quit comedy so you could do your podcast all time yeah that's saddest fucking short story I've ever heard oh god no why did you I comedy so you could do your podcast full time? Oh, yeah, that's the saddest fucking short story I've ever heard. Oh, God, no.

Why did you do that? I didn't want to do podcast. I hated it. And then my other roommate, Chris talked to me in the way because we weren't doing anything. He's funny. He's very funny. He's fucking good. Yeah, he's a great, mildly weird.

He's insane. But it works. Yeah, it does. He's weird. It's natural content for WordPress. Yeah, and you're like a fucking man's man. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Me and you should have did a does. He's weird. It's natural content for work. Yeah, and you're like a fucking man's man. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. Me and you should have did a podcast. We should have. You should have put it in a man's man's man. Yeah. Just fucking toe. Just call. What?

All we got to is get one of these dollar fucking posters and we can make another one. Fucking sissy's. Yeah. That thing. We'll just make, we'll bring somebody on. Call him a fucking gindaloon and a, and a, oh, call you. What? A call you.

Oh. I relax. I thought you said something. You're more like that. My heart just stopped. That's what pronounced you fucking words Tommy. Hold on. That's it, dude. That's the name of the name of the show

is Gindaloon of Coyote. And we bring somebody on. We ask you questions. It's like, are you garbage? You're more like a child. Are you colonial? Are you Gindaloon of Coyote? There's a couple of others we can add in there, but we get canceled. That's your friend. Well knows

Can't cancel if you're not doing anything. That's true. They can't cancel canceled. Yes. It's over for me. I was not on TV. They can't take it off I hate media freedom dudes. I am you want to dudes. You wanna stay right in the middle, baby? I do, you well respected. Stick it in your ass. I want some fucking brown stone. Yeah. Anyways. So you got a special?

No. No, what are you gonna do a special? I'm working on now. Really? You're gonna produce it? Yeah, probably. Yeah, fuck that. By the time I get an hour?

Yeah. You haven't, you just started standing up. What a couple of years ago. No, I started back in I started 2009. Yeah, but you want to run here. You stop. I came here in 20 13 2014. I know Carmen I did like Caroline's and like.

Stand up New York. So you are doing it again. Yes. Oh, okay. You're back in doing stand up. Yeah, open up for Shane and you like it. And we are doing it again. Yes. Oh, okay. You're back in, you're doing stand up. I just opened up for Shane and we did a little tour for stuff violent for the first six months of the year. How'd that go?

Amazing. I'm back in love, baby. Oh, you love it. Oh, good, fucking love. That makes me happy. What do you think made you love it? The break or do you talking about things that you are like? Both.

Yeah, I think it makes a difference. I didn't give a fuck about what I was saying, even though I was doing well. I had a full hour and I was just like, I hate all the shit. I hate that feeling, especially during COVID. I got I made the difference. I didn't give a fuck about what I was saying, even though I was doing well. I had a full hour and I was just like, I hate all the shit. I hate that feeling, especially during COVID, I got so comfortable. Yeah.

I did nothing, you know, and then you just get depressed. Yeah. But didn't COVID though, it was kind of nice. I've been doing comedy for so long, that when COVID, I was panicking about money, and all that shit, but when I figured out, okay, I'm gonna be able to pay my bills, and nobody's doing anything,

and they're kind of forgiving a lot of shit. Yeah, I was like, it's kinda nice. I'm cool. I was dude. I was cooking. Oh, I was chilling. Yeah. I got fat as fuck though.

That's the problem. I was up in the middle of the night just stuffing my fat face. Yeah, I think 20 pounds. I didn't do anything different. I go, I gained 30, maybe. 20? I gained 20 and then lost it like maybe six months ago.

Wow. Yeah, I just, because you eat all day. Yeah. And when you're tall, you don't think you can tell. Yeah. But then you put your pants on and they don't fit. Right. That's good though.

Yeah. I mean, I call fat people a gross. Yeah. It's a shame. Right? Yeah, they're like, lopsided like, right? Well, you can't. Yeah, it's all weird.

They don't know where to store it. It's not proportional. Yeah. How fat person should work in the circus? A girl over six feet. If you look at their joints go backwards like a dress. Like, wow, six feet. No, if I look at pictures. Sure, say five or eleven in the hand.

If I look at pictures, I used to say that in high school, because I was embarrassed to be six feet, because I thought boys wouldn't like it. So I was like, and a half. Yeah. No, but if you look at COVID pictures, it is kind of like, like I look kind of meeting in the wrong places.

What now, how tall is your boyfriend? You're 5'11. 5'11, who's tall too? Oh, yeah. He's tall. He's tall. For me, he's tall. I dated short guys.

He's tall. That was a fucking year. I know. I got a friend. What? 5'10 is 5'8 and a offended. What? It's 510. It's 580, it's quarter. What are you?

510 and a half. It's just said it. And a half, you guys are so funny. We just didn't go for you. Yes, but it's just never gets old. Like I, like, 6'2, I'm 6'2 and then I'm like, I'm taller than you, asshole. You're not 6'2.

I'm looking down at you. So you think, I think we're laughing. I mean. I'm looking down at you. So you think I'm, you think we're lying? I mean, I was petrified. Yeah, it was aggressive. Yeah, you should be on the view. I like it. I like it. You and Sunny should have loved you.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. How you doing? I'm jealous of women. Are you? I'll tell you what I'm jealous about. What? And I hope you're related.

Are you going to say the rape whistle? That's in my special, by the way. Rape whistle jokes, please come. Sorry. What, we don't have a thing. We don't have a horn. Why would I be? No, that's not.

I'm not jealous that they get a whistle. I'm a man. Oh, I can whistle right. Look at that. Yeah. Goddamn, you almost got your dog to come back out of the ground. I'm jealous. Now that I lost a little weight, everything is going to be fine. Yeah, damn you almost got your dog to come back out of the ground I'm jealous now that I lost a little weight every time I've lost weight you want to wear a dress

Come on they got it You doing act notes for them to laugh harder No, I'm jealous of this that well time I lost weight like five times, right? I've been fat and skinny. What is it about that? Oh, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food and, you know. But every time I lose weight,

the last three times, especially as an adult, I just become gay. Yeah, fashion wise. Yeah, that's good. I just want to show off. I go on a store and I'm like, oh, I want, I actually, my wife, that mad at me the day, because I was looking at a coach bag.

Yeah, I liked it. I got one. A crossbow. I have a coach crossbow. I have a Louis Vuitton. Oh, that's good. I, guys are so gay. No, coach was fine too.

You got Louis, you gee. You got a little bird on the breath baby. Go ahead, tell us about AIDS. Yeah. I was like, is this you? This is too gay. She's like, yeah, of course. Like, you, why would you not get that that bag has five different colors and seas? Yeah. And you're gonna wear it. Yeah, it's gay. It's a studded dildo around your chest. Yeah. But I get jealous because you go into a shoe store.

You go into a store. Women have 90 fucking rows of crazy awesome. The shoes are amazing. Sneakers are always awesome. Yeah. Guys get black, blue, gray. Yeah. They get black and red and a rainbow color.

They get electric blues and purples. We get nuts. This is why I respect this. This is like the heels of the face. You get fucking rainbow colors. They get electric blues and purples. We get nuts. This is why I respect this. This is like the heels of the face. So you just switch it up. I like that. Like what you're doing. The last class is it really changed my life

when you came on my couch and put those things on my face. I walk. I walk differently. But look at it. They fucking look good on you. They did. You should definitely have glasses. Where are they?

Like that. Anthony Aden. He's the best. He's the village. I'll go over there one day. We'll go over the next? Anthony Aiden. He's the best. He's the village. Yeah. I'll go over there one day. Okay. We'll go over the next week.

All right. Coming to the scene, we'll take a walk over there. But my point is, is that I'm jealous because women get to wear all kinds of cool shit. Yeah. Everything they get is, they get so many more options. Well, you got access. Where you got these, what is this? Before you get carried away, you fucking get the loan.

I just asked you questions. You fucking fill the loan I just ask a question fucking filly Is this if you could wear any is this one of the known is this you get known us? First of all this is from my son. Okay. That makes sense. And this is from my son. Oh, that's my son bought both of these That's very cute. So I wear that. I like that. Yeah. Is that a a Hindu sign? That thing on there. You've got a name for them? Who the fuck is it? Hintaloon.

Hintaloon. Everybody can get a loon, you hear me? Get a Hintaloon, everything I alone. Well, give me a Chinese one. Let's just... Ha ha ha ha. That's what set Shane on his course for success. So maybe, Tintaloon.

I'm a black people. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, If you could wear anything and not be judged for it, that was a woman's thing. Like a dress. What would you wear? A sundress. A sundress is not a thing. Oh, a sundress with a little thin belt, yeah. Dude, a jumper, a jumper with pockets.

Oh, jumper! You know what I'm saying? Sparkly or like? Like, in the summer, a fucking jumper would no one do it? Tied around the ass, flowy around the knees. Oh my God, yeah. You put it on.

You knew immediately. Yeah, so hot. I wouldn't even wait. I wouldn't, I'd wear, I'd want to like a regular, like one of these t-shirts on top, but the sun dress down the bottom, just the cool everything on there. Yeah. You guys get some, I mean, even these pants,

look at these pants, look at that. Look at that. That's a lot for me too. Yeah, but they got, it's got a little paisley, cool little peacock thing on the skin. That's cute. Well, you guys do that now, they paint their nails and do a lot of them. I'm not saying painting nails.

I'm saying that we don't get cool stuff like that. You'll never go to a guy. We get black, blue, brown, Bing, that's it. Portaroid. I'm not. Look at Harry Styles. He made really.

He's fucking gay. No, he's not. He's gay. He's like bisexual. Okay. Bing. Yeah, I got a wife. I love my wife.

I don't like penis. I mean, I think he's hot as shit true I would never be with him game game respect game. Yeah, huh? Game respects game. Isn't that what they say kids? What is it game respect game? I don't know what that means. I mean, so you call me highs like you respect the game I think it's just a compliment. I think it's just a compliment. Oh Anyway, let's you can use accessories in certain ways. But this, I'm saying that women get better choices. They have more.

I mean, both sides have their benefits. Like, the fact that he has gray hair and it looks sexy, I can't do that. You guys would be like, are you 60? What's up? Yeah, I like it. It is tough for a woman. You can't say you'd like it because most women, you can't.

I like it on a woman. I like gray hair on a woman. I like when a girl looks like an X-Men. Come on. I do. Like when you change the weather with your thoughts. I'm not hot. It's like that streak with the, yeah.

You can't throw off in a toning of comfortable. A streak is different. A streak is nuts. I hate a streak. A streak is different. It's more like artsy. Yeah, it looks like you got hit with a golf ball Yeah, it's like that bitch with their spot at dogs if every woman just stopped coloring her hair

The bitch with the spotted dog. Yeah, the Dalmatian lady. Oh that lady. She got a white Flow or whatever whoever that was the actor plays Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who I mean. I think that was her wasn't it? Yeah From 101 Dalmat ass. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know her name? I said the bitch with the spot at the top. That's what you got it.

That's a fucking name. You know the autistic fucking three now, the tizzy three now. I don't know. I think women have way more choices. Yeah, Karula Deville. Yes. I think women have more choices. You have, you can wear crazy crazy stuff or, you know,

like I got a, like one of those like teddy bear coats. You've seen the girls wear it. It's like a teddy bear material. Look at the other. Why did you hold your chouse? Because that's what you do. You're padded like that when you're wearing it. I know what you mean.

I don't know if that is. Do you have a vest or a hoodie? I got a jacket. I wanted to get the full length. Yeah. My wife told me it was too gay. You got, there's a picture of you out there. We're in like a mint coat somewhere, right?

You got a mint coat? I tried on a jacket. I want to see you do it. I wanted one of those and my wife wouldn't let me get it because she's from Boston and she's a gul, you can't wear that. What did she say? Real though.

That's it. I know. I can hear the accent right now. Oh my God. I know I can hear the accent right now Guy's key you gotta respect the key That's not bad looking it's all right those lips though. I got good lips Well, you definitely got them injected in them. No, I didn't know I mean I mean, on that. Yeah, but we're stuck looking at my notes. These are your notes.

I was gonna... You're on David Letterman, you look at his notes. I probably look. Okay. Because it'd be very interesting material and color. I'll be, it doesn't have notes. I got good lips, you got good lips. Thank you.

You got great lips. I used to get made fun of this. I got that good lips, I got fucking asshole lips. No, you got good lips. You got a good bottom lip. I wish I had it. Yeah, bottom lip. Which my lips would be.

The bottom lip, you could do some lips. Yeah, the lip. Which is my lip superior. The top lip you could do some lip. Yeah, the bottom lip is the one I used to get made for. Somebody like hook you and like did it hang, you know, because when you were young, like it's not cute. It's like, you have a nice juicy lip. Yeah, the bottom lip. Really.

You're kind of like, you know, hangs more. Where did you grow up? Virginia. Virginia, it was just right. No, it's literally the seventh fucking bullet. You don't even reach it now. It's so far. You don't reach it now. It's before your own show bullet. You don't even read the notes before you don't read your notes before you're always

all. In Spain, it was just not question that's missing some. What the fuck? All right, what you see back off? I want setting you up. I'm like that. What's that dude's name? Byron? He's like, so tell us, Karma, why don't you like airports? He does like this. Where are you from? Yeah. Karma.

So anyone like cats, intercad죠. Yeah, exactly. That show is horrendous, but it's very funny to watch. He may as a shit on everybody. Rich guy in Hollywood. Is he one of the richest guys in Hollywood? Really? Because of that?

I went and bring up his net worth. How much do you think his net worth is? 100 million. Okay. Okay. Well, think his net worth is? 100 million. Okay. Okay. Well, if it's a rich, $250 million. $250 million. Okay, watch this.

Watch this. No. Ready? Not shit's not $100 million. You got watch this. Watch this. $450 million. But it's bang.

But it's not from comedy or show business. He now is like an entrepreneur and fucking started. But still, that's insane. But you know what? I'm six million and that's wrong. Yeah, right? So it's a six. It's mine says six. You're six million?

I think mine is, I can't remember, but I remember I think you're six. I sure you did not compare David Lynch. I have a friend, I won't name her, but she does comedy and she's at 15 million. Really? Yeah. And, but not true No, he owns the weather channel. Yeah, Iron Allen

Iron Allen is worth he on 50 Well kiss at the end. Relax half a billion Well kiss at the end. Relax. Half a billion. I'm forced. You can't even remember the last of the guy. The weather channel app is dog shit.

Byron, the fucking ads come up. They're like Mexican police ads. And there's no way. Wow, racist. I'm. I'm. What? They have cops.

I'm Mexican. She's Spanish. You're not Mexican. It's not. That's like a fucking Northern Italian and Sicilian is way off. Maybe I speak the same language. I protected that's like a fucking Northern Italian and Sicilian is way off. Yeah, but he speaks the same language. What?

Protect each other. Spin spin. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is your boyfriend Spanish? Where's he? Hell no. He can't speak any.

That's good. No. Do you curse him in Spanish? I talked to him in Spanish. He talked to her in Spanish. He's like, oh, oh, oh. No, what I was saying ever. Do you parents like him?

Yes, they do, but I think they're just glad that I found someone. What does he do? He writes, I remember I told you. But does he write for like a professionally for TV show? Yeah, he wrote on the late late show with Craig Ferguson. He wrote on the president show. He wrote for dream works.

Now he writes for like cartoon stuff. Well, he did write. Now he can't, but yeah. That's great. So there's money. You got a little cash. We got stuff. That's good. Yeah, cash. Okay, if you can't but yeah, that's great. So there's money you go a little cash We got stuff. Hey, that's good. Yeah, okay. You live in the city you live in a story. Yeah, you like it I love it. That's where I live really buddy lives in a story. I've been there for eight years

Where do you live in a story on your the park? It's on the internet They found out I got the lost Bob from ho fucking. Oh, that's right animals on the internet Why did they dox you? What did you do because I live with shame so they like reversed? Yeah, they figured out shame I live you say by the park I'm by the park. Yeah, I'm like 15 minutes. Oh, okay. Yeah, you don't have to worry about being dogs What are you gonna do? I don't give a shit goofball gonna show up with a six pack and a fucking day joint That's what they that's what happens. They send me nice stuff. Yeah for the first like six months of the pot I would just give it my address. I don't give a shit. You gave your address out. Yeah what happens. They send me nice stuff. Yeah. For the first like six months of the pot,

I would just give it my address. I don't give a shit. You gave your address out? Yeah, they give it nice. They send me goods. That's not being a docks, that's being a dummy. No. That's not, that's not who docks this.

There's some fucking, some do reverse engineer to a picture on Shane's podcast, looked up real estate on the other side of the street, figured out our address. No shit, that's fucking weird. See, that's a reason to be jealous of men, is that you guys can do that stuff. Yeah, true.

We're always afraid we're gonna get attacked. Yeah. We do anything. I'm not afraid of that at all. No. Why are we gonna get attacked for what? No, she's saying women. I'm saying that's going back to the men and women.

Women and women. Yeah, but you're not gonna get more. Those days are over. No, they're not. We're so mad. A soul. Oh, guys, just need more those days are over. No, they're not. We're so sad, man. Oh, guys, just 23, oh, the only thing. How many day, how much grow up?

I want to get last time and hurt somebody getting one chicken. Me too, so it took care of everything. You know what I mean? Yeah, grow up. Yeah, you can get a cell happen anymore. Jesus Christ. Well, you're tall, you could take care of any guy. I mean, really, all show businesses women now,

mostly women in charge. I'm talking about creepy stalkers, if I- I can't wait to the roles reverse and women start just fucking making young boys do weird jobs. Yes. Come on in, you like the part? Get down. That's my gig.

Yeah, we're not gonna rat them out either. I want some old strong ones. I think you will eventually what the fuck are you doing? I'm gonna be like, yeah, she may. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, a friend, dude, I ain't fucking ahead of you. Yes.

Yes. Like, if you maybe go down. Your friend, dude, I ain't fucking mad at this. Yes, this is pussy. Yes. Like, if she made me go down, I'll get the part. Are you kidding? That'll happen. When? Then it'll happen. It's a pussy generation, give it time.

Her big, great, bullfunt to sweat in all of you. You went into an audition, and she was like, hey, why don't you meet me tonight? I'll tell her what to do. She's just like, well, top of all the bullfrogs. I'm bad, you want this part. This bad bullfrog. Yeah. You meet boy. Yeah.

Yeah. Keep it all. Oh, don't tell anybody. I'm telling, I'm gonna tell you, I'm telling my wife, because she's has to know. This gotta be a porn up category, right? What? Yeah, yeah, female CEOs.

Yeah, but they usually rip up. Don't get out. At that point. True, you know, you want this part? Don't go that. I'll do that too. I'll give you shit. Give me the fucking part.

I want out of the room. I want out of the room. You had a lot of big parts. I've had a couple. You know what sucks about Facebook? As it comes up with, hey, we're just remembering your past, seven years ago, me on set at FX on set. I was on your show.

Yeah, you were. Did you know that? I think I told you that. I have a picture. Yeah, yeah, remember it at all Yeah, you went to Boston. Well, you were cop, right? No, I was a photographer. Yeah, right. Yeah, you guys were right I'm a photographer. I'm still here All right, sorry, Carm Go ahead. This is very interesting. I would just sit there and take it I mean girls go hey, this is very interesting. I would just sit there and take it. I mean, girls go, hey, I'm here.

I'm sure. I have a special coming out. I'll be right back. Tell your people. I'll be right back. It's a comment. Just keep plugging my chest off. Keep plugging my special.

And then you go back to your stupid shows seven years ago. That's funny. That is every thing. It was me opening up. It was me opening up. Yeah, I like when you talked about wearing a sun dress. It was me, what she did, silly. I would like share mine with you.

Share what? I would be the fit in it. I would like a wedding dress. You ever seen 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag? I have stretchy wedding dresses. I mean, dresses. You look good. I'm glad you made it 10 pounds.

It's 20. How was it years ago? I do want to ask about this stuff. This is called a bird text comedy. What is that? Bird text comedy. That was our first sketch group. What is that?

Now it's Gillian Keys. So that became Gillian Keys. Well, essentially, it was John. Part of Gillian Keys. Well, I'm part of the circle. Yeah, Gillian Keys is just John and Shane. Oh, no, no. Really?

I'm just part of the boys. Well, you ever do a sketch comedy? What a thing, real. I'm just part of the boys. Well, you have a do you have a do a sketch? Famous, man. Did you have a do a sketch comedy? I did. You see me for a while. You did. Yeah. Just for fun. You have to pay for it. Or the glasses. Yeah. And we ever with some famous in the sketch group. I go and say, no. Just give me one. This is what happens when you go off the fucking bullet points. We're having fun. Yeah. We're no. So just give me one. This is what happens when you go off the fucking bullet points. We're having fun.

Yeah. We're talking about sexual assault stuff like that. You just stop in the middle of SB about an old fucking dead sketch group. Yeah. I'm fine. Oh, please. Over here, no, I'm kidding. She's like, this is done over there.

Talk about my special. Will you please get out? Right there. You're out of your shot. I'll tell you a fucking weirdo. Tell them to come. I will tell it. I'm back. You have fucking weird out. Tell them to come. I will tell it. Listen, it is this. When is it?

She's very funny. June 26. That's a Monday. She's doing the right thing. She's doing the right thing. Yeah. If you're in New York City, and I'm going to put this on the on my social media, please, if you're in New York on June 20, six, the Monday night, That's the English speaking one. Monday night, go to the village on the ground, because she's filming her special. Eight o'clock and 10 o'clock. Eight o'clock, 10 o'clock.

Show up at the 10, because the eight o'clock. There's a thing. We're going to sell tickets to the show. It's like a regular comedy seller show. You're going to come anyways, but just buy the tickets and you're going to be part of her special, which is epic. You're going to be in the books, any you be able to watch yourself maybe on TV,

but you're also supporting Standup Comics, you're supporting the seller, and that's amazing. And she's one of the funniest comedians down here at the seller. And there's nothing from Letterman or Fallon or Coke. None of those jokes that I do know. They don't give a fuck about that. Well, I do, because these are dark jokes

that I couldn't do on TV. Good for you to see you. That's what I like. So there's a lot of dark stuff. They're slightly inappropriate if you're sensitive, don't come. Look what, give us a little bit. Cancer and strokes.

I mean, right through that. Yeah. I gotta imagine being offended by anything. Well, my friend died of a stroke. The other one's limping around the fucking village. To hilarious. I'll tell Keith Robbins to you. Yeah, please don't tell him not to show up

because I'll feel really bad. Oh, just tell him the show. Tell him the show's a half hour later than it is. He shows up at midnight. Good night. God damn it, I didn't make it. I wanted to fuck with it. No.

Fucking dumb tall fucking prod, fuck her. I like her butt though, she's got a good ass. That sounds just, Keith is so creepy when he just goes, hi. Oh, he's the worst. It's so funny though. Yeah, I think, instead of me towing them, I think Amy and all of them just gave him a stroke.

They gave him a stroke. They gave him a choice. We can take away everything or you take a stroke. Give me the goddamn stroke. We'll take him all. And then we're like, we gotta give you another one. give me a trick. We can take away everything or you take a stroke. Give me the goddamn stroke. We'll take it more. And then we're like, we got to give you another one. Give me number two. You can't take it.

But that's it. No more. Yeah, he kept, he kept, he kept dittling chicks after the first stroke. Just this hand. Come over here. You want to go on a road? I want to drive into my show.

Does he drive himself to the show? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. He's just like a Keith Robinson is one of the most stubborn fucking men I've ever met when he had the stroke. You know about the story, right? Yeah. He was on a plane or something. No, he was here. Uh-huh. And he was having the stroke and he fucking was gonna. He's literally falling down at his car and he's gonna drive himself home. Wait, he's gonna go in the hospital,

he just started going to the hospital and calling him and he's gonna, I got it. And he was just gonna hurt and he's like, let me call this wife and she hung up on him. Because she thought he was drunk? No, she just doesn't like. She doesn't care her. I think it is funny.

So how long did he wait until he was in the hospital? I mean, dude, he fucking went to, they had to have somebody come and get him and take him. And he drove himself back to Jersey. Yeah. Yeah, he drove himself back to Jersey. And then what's in the hospital? And then someone came and got him to the hospital.

I mean, he is a stubborn, let me tell you something, I'm such a pussy. If I have heartburn right now, I'm going to the hospital. Yeah, you feel, yeah, nuts. Yeah, I am, I don't wanna fuck around. I wanna be around as much as I can. What is this? You got, you're taping the 26th and you got,

Jessica's taping something too. That's great. I love how much she's blown up. Yeah, she's, but now it's my turn, everybody. It is your turn, Carl. Yeah, it is your turn. I like that attitude. Thank you.

I think that's a good attitude to have. You, this is your year. My year. Yeah, where are you going to put your special? Do you know yet? I have an idea a good attitude to have. This is your year. My year. Yeah, where are you gonna put your special? Do you know yet? I have an idea, but I don't wanna say it yet. Why? Because I don't wanna jinx it and it's still like in the air.

It's still, it's not 100%. Yeah. I'm not gonna tell you. You too. I'm not saying anything. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Just move on. The Spanish one is where I need to know where to put it Spanish. We have any Spanish big celebrity friends

Good question. I know Ricky Martin. I put it up on his page. Yeah, he's Is it weird that he's gay? Yeah, it's so weird. What a waste really don't think he's gay What a waste he could be crushing all the Barcelona. Hey, I said this guy's yanking off. Isn't Manudo. Yeah, he could crush in every way. Oh, yeah.

I mean, go to his culture. Jesus Christ. Yeah, what's he look like now? He's good. He's still good. Still hot dude. Yeah, still smoking hot. I don't know.

Hey, Carm, how'd you piss off all of Malaysia? That wasn't her. That wasn't her. Oh my God. I mean, at least I'd be famous. Oh, it's a seller comedian. Oh, dude, that you didn't hear about that. No. Come on. Who? What's your name? It's on there. Jocelyn. She yeah, Jocelyn. She is an Asian. Okay. Here's a thing. Can I tell this? I can tell it's not even told ready and Danny almost Danny over there. See look at Danny. I've been told ready and Danny almost Danny over there. See look at Danny Tizzy Tizzy won Danny does the videos for the seller. Yeah So Jocelyn Chia he made a video for yeah one of her jokes about you know her kind of doing crowdwork She's from Malaysia. I think a joke in with the look. It looks like it's crowdwork, but it's really a joke

And she's she's fucking with somebody from Malaysia. She's from Singapore. She's saying, fuck you, you know, I'm not going to do the accent because I'll get came to hate each other. Well, yeah, Singapore Malaysia. Yeah, they do. They're like each other. They don't live very well. One got booted out.

The other one became a first world country. The other one's still a up and coming country. So there's a little, you know, they get over there, right? And plus Singapore, you, you, you, you, you spit gum on the ground. They cut your fucking. They can't cut your fucking mouth. There's no free speech in Malaysia in Singapore. Yeah. That's where that guy got, you'll go to jail.

Yeah, where that guy got beaten. You go to jail. You know what I'm saying? Malaysia. You got came, that guy got came there. Sorry, yeah. No, he did, he got, Right.

I think for, who got came? An American. Americans got graffiti, I believe, right? Or spit and gum. It was graffiti, I think. So we got, got yeah in public. They publicly can you which is nice You don't fuck around with these people very funny. So I Guess Danny puts a video out. She's trapped. She does a joke about the Malaysian airline like Malaysia planes don't land You know how you know, I mean I mean I mean that you know that a lot of people died on those planes

I mean, I mean, I mean, you know, a lot of people died on those planes. You know, and she did a joke about it. And Danny, this is the best part. Danny put the Malaysian plane in the... Oh, my God. It's so funny. In the thing, put the Malaysian Airlines. Right.

So, anyway, so he... Did it pull up on there? The videos go on, no, they just disappeared. The video was... One blew up. One did disappear in real life, right? One fucking blew up. It had a couple, mishaps. Damn, no, they just disappeared. The video went on. One blew up. One did disappear in real life, right? One blew up. One blew up.

They've had a couple mishaps. They don't, they're talented, Danny. There's a thing they go up and they don't come down. Yeah, right, right. So it was, you know, it's a tragic, it's tragic. Yeah, I got a nine-o-living joke. That's a joke, it didn't like it. But Malaysia don't let you do that.

Yeah. They don't let you fuck, you know, do that here. Yeah, that's why she lives in America. That's why comedy still, she lives here. She lives here. Here's the problem. That's why she was in America. That's why comedy stands. She doesn't, she lives here. Here's the problem. Here's the problem. It's to the videos doing good. 100,000 views. It's doing all right.

So Danny goes to bed one night and then realize that Malaysia's waking up. I'm just going to sleep. Malaysia went, ah, took a, took a grasshopper, took a, took a frog, because took a tarantula, a fucking, took, took, took, took, took,

took, took, took, took, she took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, frog, because took a tarantula, fucking took took took took took. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and then went like this. And then went, what the fuck? And then went, what the fuck? And fucking dude, he went from 110 million views in a fucking couple of. Yeah, that's like 1% of them.

Dude, let me tell you something. It was number one news in Malaysia Number one was on CNN yesterday. It was the New York Times the prime minister of Singapore apologized and Well, let me don't you fucking step on You know what you deserve it. You're the one put the plane and go ahead tell him. Yeah You know what? He's a star. I thought you were leaving out the biggest detail I'm actually slow rolling because it's a podcast and I would like to fucking talk for more than five seconds

to do autistic asshole. Like, bury everything. The prime minister of Singapore apologized to the country of Malaysia. Yeah, but then took away her Singaporeans. No, swear to God. No, she came to home. He's not a citizen.

Wait, does she have family there that they got dogs? Yeah, they're fucking mad. They breathe like rats. She's fucking. I don't want to get fucking dogs. Did you hear your job? Tommy Bob, Tommy Bob. Your joke was nuts.

Who's my joke? You know, with all the fucking live creeps, the excess. The fuck? The fuck? Oh, I said it. They breathe like Mexicans. It's the same fucking thing.

Hey. Oh. Oh, no. like Mexicans. It's the same fucking thing. Oh, that was it's true. There's a Mexican. We got to make it. There you go. Wait, so he's not offended by that. That's Singaporean in the room. I got fucking autistic, autistic Jew, autistic Jew. Is she, is she safe here, though? I got a second point. She said she safe. Well, listen, here's a thing. It went nuts, but the problem was, she's famous because, you know, the famous man. She's she safe. Well listen, here's a thing it went nuts, but the problem is famous because she is famous now I had a rating like a 47 which is like oh, so now they're all getting on let me tell you something

Danny all of a sudden the numbers are going down no you know, I'm as fucking that he loves his rating Yeah, no, I'm just rating is going tick tick tick tick. Oh, no, Danny's has to report it He calls me because I'm reporting the one but I can only do one at a time and they're coming in Yeah, come in it was like aliens We're never gonna man Man This kid's head was about to pop on I was hanging up the phone go wait. When are they sitting that now? It's a rating it went all back up. He got it off.

Oh, because he got it off. He took it off, right? It was a bot. It was a, it was a, they were, it was, what they were doing was bullshit. You know what I mean? It wasn't real right?

I can say something though. Like, first of all, you should be allowed to say whatever. Whatever you want. And also how many 9-11 in other jokes? And I know that's an American thing, but it just seems like weird that that's the one thing when there's so much out there. One of the mothers, one of the wives of somebody who died on the plane, who didn't ever came home, went on the news, crying, saying, this joke is not my, my son still cries every day, thinking wanting his dad back. Yeah. And you're like, oh shit. They put that up.

Number one comedian, Malaysia was like, listen, jokes and jokes, but this went too far. Then the fucking president of Singapore, this bitch is out. Oh my. She's out. Holy shit. I mean, it went ballistic.

They don't, there's no, is she being interviewed? No, she said, she took, I think she took her social, social, she took it down. She had to take it down, dude, she was getting death threats. Yeah. What's up, good, good.

He wants to talk. Yeah, stop. When you want to talk, get on the microphone. Don't do whatever, I didn't want to interrupt. I know, but don't do this. Raise your hand, look at regular person. That's your same impression of she, by the way. She needs to get her social down.

She needs this. They should, they, thousands and thousands of people kept reporting their account and Instagram took it down. Yeah. Oh, so they Instagram took it down. But but but I think she'll be able to get it back because I mean they she got it got taken down for impersonating a celebrity. That's what they got her for. Really? Yeah. Does she dress real sexily?

Yeah, but she's a celebrity now. It's huge now. Yeah, she's big. I mean, I mean, that's the type of thing that, and didn't the New York Times do an article on it defending her? Yeah, I mean, look, it was, was it the greatest fucking dead people on a plane joke? No, but, you know, this is America. But also she's done that joke a million.

I think she says that. I've done this joke a million times and nothing has ever happened. Yeah, nothing's ever happened. But all you need is one, one, scorpion eating Malaysian to wake up early. Shh. Okay. That'll do it.

That'll do it. Yeah, there she is right there. I mean, Jesus, comedian, Malaysian joke, problems, threats and diplomatic incident. I mean, dude, the fucking world was not too over this joke. Remember the Domerier joke?

What's that? I'll do it. It's my favorite joke. I'll tell you off the air. Why? Because it just reminded me of it. Why can't you tell? You could be famous. Say it. No, I ain't doing it. I'm not coming. I ain't doing it. Everybody you know, I became popular off the air. I'll tell you after could be famous, say it. No, I ain't doing it. Not coming. I ain't doing it.

Everybody you know became popular of these days. I'll tell you after. All right, go ahead. Wish for it in my ear. No, I'll say it here, right? It's gotta be a thing. I relax.

Remember Donald Morrera? I relax. I'll tell you. What the fuck? Why you? Did you? I'm doing a comedy special. Please come.

I'm not your mother, okay? I love you. You are now that you've lost way. You're acting like this is your older sister that has a family and a job. I triggered my older sister. You I love you. You are now that you've lost way. You're acting like this is your older sister that has a family and a job. I triggered my older sister. Really? Love more. Why? I love you too. Yeah, totally. What is the guy read it? This is what is it? Don't read the questions. How old are you? I didn't write this. What did let me see? You guys got to give information like this. What is it? Let me see. Let me see. Before comedy worked

in information technology support. You're gonna start one of these bullets. Is this gonna fire up something? I see it. What is some hot funny talk? I'm down for mail on me on my own show. You're fucking Gensuno. Gindaloon. You're getting the little also. I think that's a really bad word. We've been fired now. And that's a country I don't want coming after me. You know what? You know what? They'll actually hurt you.

Yeah, you know what? And there he is. Yeah, there he is. It's just very huge. It's very adorable. It's like this is what you're right. Oh, listen, I don't really need this stuff for you guys because I know you. Yeah, but it is interesting.

It's cute. It is. It's legitimately is adorable you perform that I rack to right? Oh my god You need those notes for me Big sis you always did get more love I'm not a brother. You're having a good time. Then the bride goes up here with your film. So from Virginia. God, it really has the most interesting thing you could find.

That's not me. It's the fucking Tizzy 3. The Tizzy 3. Who's 3? The Jew or the Wall? No, the 3. Anyways. The 3 Amigos.

Now, you're doing two shows. Who's open to feed? You have somebody you just do? John Laster. No shit. Is headline. I mean is head pack Really have no belief in yourself John Lester is headlining my special

Just in case you don't like my hour. There'll be another hour of this and then John fish is doing 10 minutes That's great. Mm-hmm. You got two people in front. I got two Johns. Why do you get two people in front of you? Because you got to think about all the people like I have my people But then you have people that are coming in just to go to the seller and I want to give them a little variety two people in front of you. Because you got to think about all the people, like I have my people, but then you have people that are coming in just to go to the cellar, and I want to give them a little variety. Right.

I don't want them to just see me. Right, but they're telling, you're making sure you tell people you're filming your hour. Do not, I did this before at the cellar. I did my podcast there, and Liz just threw it up, and everybody bought it,

thinking they were getting a cellar show. Yeah. And they show up as Lewis Gomez, Joe Liz, Dan Soder and me and Louis CK dressed as Santa. Right. And they were like, what fuck this? So you got to make sure that they know at the beginning, hey, this is a Carmen special. This is an hour of her. This is what John Laster is going to say. He's got to say that at the beginning get people. Once they head around it, yeah, they're fine. They'll be able to deal with it. Like it's like when you tell people, hey, this is an R-rated show, a dull show. If you get offended easy, you might want to leave. Then they go, I fuck it. I can handle it. So then whatever

you say, you used to do that with, um, Robert Chimble. You know, Robert Chimble. Yeah. This is, you know, this is no. Yeah, Robert Ch remember Shimmel you talk about it is because there is stuff this is an asshole I'm just I'm helping you're not help you're telling it's gonna Yeah, you're doing that fucking alcoholic thing Just go life have fun. Yeah, that's no one life is You fuck is why you wait for five years true because you won't go have fun. I true. Yeah. Yeah Wait for five years. True. Because you won't go have fun.

I true. Yeah. Yeah. This actually is true. It's about, you could do both. What? I'm here to tell you you do both. You can have fun and you can get worked on.

That's what I'm doing now. CarmenLinch.com. Or go to the comedy seller, please, or link in my bio at Carmen Comedian. Or if your Spanish go to at Carmen and his bañ his banal, you know, say, say Keith is, what is I brought to you? I'll have a freak show out. When you do it, it's scary too. Yeah, yeah, that's creepy. But about one, nah, that's even worse. You look at that face you made the last time you were on my show.

What was it? Oh, you put your, yeah, I did that. I can hear fucking. I know you. Like that. No, you put your, yeah, I did that. I can do it fucking. I know you can. Like that? What? What was that? You don't have a damn.

My boyfriend hates it when I do that. That's not a good one. Yeah, but it's fun. All right, we got questions for you guys. All right, I have five minutes by the way. Yeah, well, it's a fine, we got you. I got questions for you guys. You guys might answer in fans questions.

Hmm. Here we go. Jay, Sub Italian branded shaynor. The fuck is that made? Is that me? Yeah. Italian branded shaynor? What the fuck is that made?

Like Ryan Shaynor? Shane hadn't been canceled via Asian hate. He would have done SNL. What do you, what do you think you, the rest of you Gilly and Kees Crew, now this is so, you, I mean, dude, could you fix it? Do you have to, do I have to read stupid? The rest of the Gillian Kees crew now, and do you think your fame could have been the break? Why would you read this fucking fuck face? Read it.

Sup Italian branded shaynor. If Shane hadn't been canceled via, in quotes, Asian hate, he would have done SNL. What do you think and the rest of the ghillie keys crew now? And do you think your fame could have been the breaker? I mean, you're an asshole. It's the fucking stupidness from the question. Also, he's way better off now. Yeah, of course.

It's the busiest thing that ever happened. You think? Yes. All right, let me ask you a question. Goes on SNL, becomes fucking John Belushi, Holy Shit Will Farrell, that, I mean, he's the, Eddie Murphy, and they add edginess, he makes SNL funny again, like Murphy did.

It's gonna happen anyway. He adds that to that. I'm just playing devil's advocate. Let me just say before you start defending your fucking mentor. I'll let you go on that. Right? He goes on, becomes the Eddie Murphy, makes SNL funny again, makes it so that not just half of the fucking population likes it,

everybody likes it, because he's pitching sketches. He does, he plays both sides. You know what I mean? He does, you know, there's no guarantee like at least no. Did this SNL thing actually help him fuel, be like, fuck this like, like, like, did it give him more power to push himself forward? I put these, whatever you thought that. Because that's, you don't have to talk to him about this. That's what it's like good for, you know? Yeah. Well, maybe, I don't know.

You know, no, I mean, he might have made, I always thought that he would make SNL funny. Yeah, you'd hope. There's always that guy that comes around every certain amount that makes SNL worth watching again. Yeah. Well, you're like, oh, this is fucking great. They're kind of hitting everybody.

Yeah. A lot of times it's like just one, you know, yeah. All right. Carmen. You know, okay, Jay, what was the question on that? This is from the same guy. Oh, God. I don't know. I had to make a question out of it because I don't understand. He did doom gobskin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's try. Hey, Carmen, as someone married to a Spanish woman myself, just had a third baby. What's some things your American your American father could have of been better. I hate you. I am American father. Could have been better prepared when marrying such a fiery bloodline. Love you on skeptic tank and you a bit on God's purpose for making women.

Jesus Christ. I mean, you gotta put tape on your face. You don't need them. I mean, I don't know how you do it. I don't understand. What the fuck? You got six of them. Just get three. Can I eat the question? If you want to.

Where is it? The second one. Someone married to a Spanish woman. I think I can fix the question. What's it like having an American dad and a Spanish mother? Oh, that was better. Thanks, mush. Um, they don't speak to, I mean, they don't know, they didn't know each other's language.

So it actually helped in a way to talk about the other person in the other language. So they didn't understand, you know what I mean? So it was beneficial. American father, yeah. Wait, he doesn't know Spanish. I mean, now he does, but like when I was a kid, we could talk about him in front of him. They were just so turned on by each other that they were like, oh, yeah. He doesn't know Spanish. I mean, now he does, but like, when I was a kid, we could talk about him in front of him. They were just so turned on by each other that they were like, let's see this.

Oh yeah. They were, they were, they were, oh god, let's see this. They only went out four times. I watched my wife. You had no idea what you said. I wish she didn't match the genitals. So I'm the fucking effort Massachusetts

and Boston accent. Bobby, where are you going? You gotta be back. I wish she was like, oh no, school in Thanos. I'm busted at a low face. I'm gonna be like, oh, no, school in Thanos. I'm busted at a low face. I'd be like, oh, my dick would, I just go up right now. 100%.

I got to deal with just, where you going? Yeah. What are you doing? What's that? You're going to pick up Maximus. Are you taking my car or your car? Oh. Oh.

Oh. Anyways, all right. Next question. Q for Mr. Pope. This is for you. I have to go in a second. Okay. You want to go to your question?

Sure. And then after that, please come to my special. Yeah, listen, you got to go to a special. It's the 26th. It's a Monday. It's coming up in two weeks. Yes. It's two weeks.

You have two weeks to get tickets. So please do me a favor. Everybody in the chat, every watching live, everybody watching on Patreon, go and get your tickets. Come in the town, buy them up. Carmanlynch.com or comedysellers.com. Go to comedyseller.com, it's easier. Sure.

Or go to ad carton comedian, the link is in the box. Yeah, go to that, figure that out. Or just type in comedysell sellers.com and go to. All right. Give it one. The 20-foot-alls of ticket. Yes. All right, Tommy or Ann Carmen.

What are the worst comedy condos or living situations you've had on the road? That's a good one. I'll say it really fast. Go ahead. San Antonio. Right, you know that place? What is it?

That's where we met. Oh my God I No, man. No, but that was 10. No, but that was 10 years ago I called my agent. I go I'm leaving. I hate this Mexican kid. I'm working with He's creeping me out. He hasn't blinked in two days Oh my god, that's so true and he keeps eating my leftovers Anyway, thank you so much. I thank you for coming on. I love you to see you. I love you too Please post me on your Insta. That's what people are gonna. We're gonna get you

I'm gonna do it all I can't for you and Tommy's gonna do it too. Yeah, I love your new body Thank you so much. It's really hot. I'd like to see you in a dress I think Spanish. Yes, I'll wear it really except if I bought you a sundress Which you got next time you do the podcast. Yeah, you bring a sundress. Are you serious? I'm Yes, I'm gonna go to the dollar store What am I fucking or I want a nice Bye, I will see you later Tommy see you come By car. What about you? What's see you by the park? What was the worst one you've been in?

I stayed in an old where they put the nurse or nuns. What's a nun one you've been in? I stayed in an old, where did they put the nurse or nuns? What's a nunnery call? The nunnery? Yeah? A rectories with the priest. Rec, a nunnery is with the nuns. I stayed in an old nunnery in Buffalo. Yeah.

And this woman came and mop the floors like five in the morning. Really? It was the scariest fucking thing. Just... What's that? Is that fartin'? That was the wet mop. I'll do it again.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. That was better the second time.

If I do it again, I kill myself. I mean, my eating tarantulas and scorpions. That was good though. The sizzle was nice. I was gonna say it's... I got to... Yeah, I killed myself. I mean, my eating tarantulas and scorpions. That was good, though. The sizzle was nice. I was gonna say it's like, I got to, yeah, I like that. How about the, I love it when I bit the tail? Isn't it better when men are around? Yeah.

You know what I mean? So glad she's gone. This is Christ. I mean, what the fuck? I'm so glad you're so good at it. Oh shit, I can't go back to bullet points. I know, I can't fucking, I don't need these. Man, I'm fucking glad you were.

Fucking questions. Jesus Christ. So the joke is, my special, no, Dom, Dom, what's his name?

Dom, I rarer. Dom, I rarer. You dumb, dumb. He was like the first fucking full-blown, he's 150% Italian on the special. Sure. Blow with the 80s, and you can say whatever the fuck you want.

Of course. There's just a joke he had, he goes, you ever seen a chick so Chinese, it looks like it out And then fucking destroys That's funny it was like I hate I hate that people get a friend it. Yeah, I mean look No, I ain't cutting that. What that in we're gonna make this kid famous. I'm a monster

We didn't say it. We that in. We're gonna make this kid famous. I remember Voss, we did say it. We did a thing on, I don't know, Comedy Central, one of these things. And he did it. My wife's ass is so flat. It looks like Margaret Cho's face. Who said that? He had no Voss. And they asked him to keep, was it please cut that out? And they left it in. That's fucking nuts. It's crazy. I don't know, man, I think I don't think we have to worry anymore.

You know, you say what you want to say, you're going to get hit anyways. If they want you, they want you. As soon as you get too big, I think there's almost like a catch 22. You get too big, they want to take you down. But if you get big enough, they want to take you down. But if you get big enough, they can't take you.

They can't do anything. Like Shane, Rogan, you know, these guys, you can't get them. You can't take them down. Because they're not fucking in the corporate world anymore. So that is one thing. When you go in SNL, you make the agreement, you're going to do our way. You're still corporate comedy.

You're corporate. You got to do what you had to do. So when you leave there, he might what you're gonna do So when you leave there. Yeah, he might have made it better But when he left there who would have to be a different person. Yeah, I mean the exchange there is like you know We all know he would have been a movie star immediately right? Yeah, so now we just do it on our own But it takes a little longer, but now we're in control of our content. No, I showed it. He did the a gillian keeps was fucking great It's great. Yeah, yeah, I wonder if he's gonna do a movie. Is he doing a movie? You know you in it Do you in it?

You a janitor in it you're in it Bob in it. Bob. What? What are you doing? Is he in the movie? I'm not saying anything. I don't know anything. Well, you know something. I know you know something. Because if you didn't know anything, you're drinking water nervous.

I want to audition. Is it already made? I'll call you. Dude, I got nothing. I don't know. Look at me. Nothing's going to be. Nothing's going to be.

Look at me. Tommy. Tommy. Is there? I want to. Look at me. Tommy. Tommy. Yeah. Is it? I want there's nothing. Stop doing this because then he's going to be pissed at me. I he's just got going on. There's something going on. Wow. What is he? It mad? Eventually. What is he? Don't call it your own? It's a fucking shank. It's not. No, that's not what I'm saying. What's he going to come up and fucking look down at you? You heard you mentioned the movie. No, there's going to hit you with his head. Of course, of course, there's

stuff going on. But you could be chained up. You could take shame, right? He's, he's sick. I'd have to strike and run a little bit. Baba, I'm not saying that. I strike. This is the problem with dance. I dance.

I'm not talking about a fair fight. Would you fight him fair? No, I would never fight any of them. I would now. I would fucking, I would fucking those. Exactly. Jump on his Achilles and rip it out, have them fall to the ground.

David and Goliath anything around me. So how old speed at your point with this fucking king chair. I'll fit each one of these letters in your fucking mouth. Why? Why me? I don't know. You got me a hard job. I fucking love it.

All right. Well, listen, dude, I love you. I love you too. I'm so glad you came on, dude. It's been a, it's been a minute. I'm sorry. I had, well listen, dude. I love you. I'm so glad you came on, dude. It's been a minute. I'm sorry I had to bring you in early. I'm glad I did, because you would have dressed differently at night. No, I'm gonna rock this tonight.

You wouldn't have fucking had worn this. Look at my chest here, come on. I mean, you wouldn't have done two buttons. Three buttons. You would have done two buttons. See, you're buttoning it up now. Yeah, I didn't know it was out. No, I'm glad it was.

Fucking glad it was. Hit the lights. You got a special coming out. I said, huh? You're gonna do a special soon? Yeah, I'm glad it was. Fuckin' glad it was. Hit the lights. You got a special coming out, you said? Huh? You're gonna do a special soon? Yeah, I'm working on it now. I'm not gonna, I don't have a date. I gotta get some 30 more minutes of shit I care about.

Right. Yeah. And now you're going on the road, working on it. I'm only doing like 30 minutes right now. That's it. Yeah. So what are you gonna do? You're working in the clubs?

Yeah. You hustling? Yeah, I'd, now I just started. Did you get in the clubs? Cause we did a, we did a short tour with uh, Chris and I. Right. At the clubs. That's you hustling yeah I'd now I just started did you get it we did a we did a short tour with a person I right at the clubs that's good man yeah but off nights like Thursdays Wednesdays fuck sell them without off nights make it some money it was great working your shit out so fun doing that yeah yeah because you're a funny motherfucker thank you dog I mean the second I met

you I was like this guy's this shit that's what I'm saying I'm serious yeah and we started yapping and then we talked at Skankfest, and then I went on your damn podcast. You didn't like that. I loved your podcast. You should come back to it again. I well fucking do it anytime. That sticker's still there, baby.

I got damn right, ma'am. How's your ass tray? My ass tray, dude. Let me take something like that, dude. It's nice. I got mad at, we're gonna fight with my wife. About what? Cause she took that ass tray up.

We, I wanted to bring it up country, up to my patients. Your vacation, right. Yeah. She took it and she put it on the table outside. No. And I went, mama, I was like, you don't put this out. What do you, Chris?

Cause why it's an astray? I go, it's a fucking, It's a piece of art. It's a piece of art, honey. It comes in a leather case. Yeah. This isn't a fucking horse shit out. And she was like,

all right, I'm certain that she went, I didn't know. All right. And then I was like, I'm sorry. She's like, well, you came out and it was like, oh, fuck off. You know that you don't put that outside. You know that doesn't go in the fucking elements?

You know, happy I am just to know that I was the reason you and your wife fought. Got to a big fight. I go, this stays inside. When I'm gonna smoke, I'll bring it outside with somebody with a sit down. We'll have it. And then we for it. Got a big fight. I go, this stays inside. When I'm gonna smoke, I'll bring it outside with somebody with a sit down, we'll have it, and then we clean it. This isn't something that good.

And this is going into the house we get, when I get my smoke room and the house, it's going inside. Inside, that astray is the nicest, one of the nicest cigar accessories I've ever got. That's awesome. And I got some nice ones. That was fucking beautiful.

You didn't need to do that. That's why I fucking love Italian people. You're fucking there. You're just a tip when you don't have to. Small little thing like that changes someone's life. I fucking friends for life. I thought I'm gonna buy you a gift now. You sure?

Okay. Don't be looking around this autistic shit. Give me my fucking. It's a blood pen. Give me my comedy award. Don't be looking around this one. This shit Pan it That comedy app who gave you this did you make this yourself? Oh My fucking piece of shit. Let's do this. This is great. That's the car. I want comedy app from hell from comedy Central Oh, comedy Central. That was a comedy award. There's shit. Oh, that's a that's a real award. That's nice. That's nice Yeah nice. All right. All right. Well, make them and million give you this fucking dildo. I'm what I'll buy you an Astray. I

Do you have a closing? I'm out. Yeah, we do. Oh, I'm gonna buy you a box of cigars for your studio. That's amazing I want to send it to you give your address. Yeah, all right. And make sure you give your plugs to the camera. Ah, stuff Island podcast. Funny fucking show, man. It is very funny. Guys are the best. We should be bigger.

You're getting bigger. Yeah. Say that, it's happening. True, it's happening. I'm patient. Well, you have to be patient. It's going right now. I'm doing it.

I'm working on patients. Yeah, man, you're fucking so. I'm gonna stop doubting shit. Yeah. Stuff Island, stopped out and shit. Yeah stuff island and check out The podcast so I got to I don't fucking and you comedy and check out my comedy. You got a website It no well stuff island pod. Okay. Do you have a Twitter? com face twitters Tommy J Pope. Yeah, Instagram Tommy J I don't do this gie shit

I feel fucking you gotta do this. I don't do this, GEE, shit. I feel fucking dirty when I do this. You gotta do this, you gotta. How people gonna know what to get in touch with you? The only comedy I have online is the, this is not happening. It's the only fucking thing I got. You gotta go fucking see him. You gotta support him. Support me.

One of the funniest guys out there, one of the favorite people I've met in the last couple of years. That means a lot to me. Come back on, I'll go back on yours. That's what we gotta do. We gotta go on each other's shit. You gotta have lot to me. Come back on, I'll go back on yours. That's what we got to do. We got to go on each other's shit. We got to have fun and bring each other up, right? We got to have fun.

Like a gendolone. Like a fucking gendolone alcoholic. Right. All right, make sure you check me out. Click the like button, click the subscribe button. Make sure you check out Carmen Lynch's special, the 26th at the Village Underground. Get your tickets at comedyseller.com. Show your love, support these specials that are comedyseller.com show you love support

these specials that a people are filming we need you to show up and be there. So it's not, you know, a bunch of tourists from Germany and Switzerland going, I do not understand. We need you guys who love comedy to show up and be at the show and make sure you check out these guys. We're going to go quick. Ready? Boom. Go. Follow me at Mike Vs. swarrows first week of July I'll be at the house of comedy with Tom Donnelly Follow me max Marcus comedy jokes Russell on Instagram Danny Braff on Instagram. I mean those shows. I got a big crew man. That is a big crew. I can big crew you guys

That's awesome hang on one second Daniel alive ending the YKWD podcast with Tommy Pope. What's going on? Hey, Sody. Oh, no, this is a private call. I'm caught with the fucking complaint about some shit. Okay. I'm, I'll call you back in two minutes. Bye. Oh, shit. He fucking meant that I've never heard Dan mad. That was real. Whoa. Next week on the podcast, tune in only on Patreon. Will I reveal what Dan was mad about? Patreon.com says Robert Kelly. He's a Heidemy. He fired the fuck up. Thanks for

watching. You know what, podcast. See you next week. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Spectacularismos, rincones de película y un sinfín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.