Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Truth Bell | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #18

Starting point is 00:00:00 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. What's up everybody? I'm Robert Kelly. That is Joe List. That is Dan Soda. And that is Louis J Gomez. And we're the Braggs. And the time has started. The Braggs. Stop stepping over my new fucking tagline. The Braggs and the time and the time Steps on my intro He's thinking of bread because he lost too much weight no Brexit Yeah, he's huge in a bridge. It was still a fat joke. I know you did it That was it. I figured out how to do it. Is Zimmy Oh, the cheap Zin? No, it's the same.

Starting point is 00:01:05 I was the head of YouTube. Heavier Zin. Hey, what did you do? You pinched a little nerve. Oh, baby, baby, baby. Where in the tanning booth? Your first open mic. Why can't you take a mic out of the stand? I'm nervous.

Starting point is 00:01:20 Can I really do this? Pinched and nervous. I can't move my mic. How did you pinch your nerve? Banging? I don't know what I did did you banging. I don't know what I did. You're a banger I don't know. I've seen no he's not banging Dude, let me taste what's his name? Like it I don't like it I've seen him bang out all the bangers in the room. My money's on bang. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 00:01:44 I bet he puts no debate. I bet he puts. Bang in, no debate. I bet he puts dudes through headboards. No debate. I wanted to fuck my wife in front of me for a couple days. I would do it. What? I'm kidding.

Starting point is 00:01:54 You're not. Me too. You're not. You like it. You want it. You probably sit in the cuck chair in a hotel to get comfortable when you check in. That's right.

Starting point is 00:02:01 That's Sarah's rose. Joe, Joe, Joe, did we ask him this question? If you had to have one of us cuck you, who would it be? It would be you, we've already done this. I just said it. What are you talking about? It's you. God, the rest of it in your brain has rotted you. Last thing I want to do is walk in

Starting point is 00:02:13 and see Don chatting with Dan after sex. Oh, that's what we've talked about. I go, that's fiery. What time? We're in repeats here. I'm brown, you're right. That's right, I remember all the, all coming back. It's all coming back.

Starting point is 00:02:22 But it's all. It's coming back to me now. You'd bang Dawn and then have her make us food. I like that. Oh yeah. Bobby's thinking about food again. There he is. It really, it all goes back to food. It's like when someone breaks up with a girlfriend

Starting point is 00:02:34 and keeps bringing her up. Yeah? Okay. Well you think of... He goes, yeah, well you're a donut. A deliciously glazed donut. Shut up, fucking cheese sandwich face. What we don't realize is in Bobby's head. All of us have the bodies of sandwich meats right now. It's

Starting point is 00:02:50 our head on it. This hurts. Thank you. That's why we have the dessert. So it's like, ha, Bobby used to be fat before we were on air. Soder is breaking down summer slam 2024. It's sick. He likes wrestling. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. It does. Bro, you hear that? Day today to be a man who enjoys wrestling. What? Yeah. I don't know what you said. I agreed with what you said.

Starting point is 00:03:12 You didn't say anything. I don't know, you kinda. God, you really are. By the way, before the show, I wasn't talking about SummerSlam. I said how you move and act like a retired wrestler. And then we said you were one of the Rock's lesser known cousins.

Starting point is 00:03:24 And I was then a performer, like a a Phil and Samoan yeah you're a head shrinker from WCW in this corner is you're on your own I'm joining them Lewis's real name is on the one who walked off in this corner from Samoa yeah that's good wow that good nope stick to your fucking other shit that you do all right right. Fatty. Did you hear what happened with the new accusations about Vince McMahon from Chael Sonnen on Andrew Schulz's podcast?

Starting point is 00:03:52 No way. You didn't hear about it? Get out of town. Now that's a point. Not only were there women, there were men. Whoa! I bet he's gonna. It's McMahon.

Starting point is 00:04:01 McMahon. That's good. That's good. Hell yeah, dude, McMahon. He's a wild boy. Nick Man. That's good. That's good. Hell yeah, dude. Nick Man. He's a wild boy. I mean. That's like when the Hugh Hefner stuff started coming out about all the ex-playmates.

Starting point is 00:04:12 He used to fuck dogs. Oh yeah. If I was rich, dude, I would be fucking everything. Are you kidding me? What would you? You'd fuck a dog? I would make the production staff all eat each other out and eat each other's asses in front of us.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Danny and Joe? Yeah, I would pay them to do it. They would have to take the money. They'd need the money. I'd fuck a dog so hard, I'd take all nine of his lives. That's good. It's a cat. It's a cat, dude.

Starting point is 00:04:32 It's a cat. What do you mean? You said a dog. Yeah, dogs don't have one life. Dogs have one life. No, seven years. You're just fucking a dead dog eight times. And then he's so rich that they have to keep encouraging it.

Starting point is 00:04:42 They go, good job, Joe. That's life six. I'm sorry, that's life six. I'm sorry, he's putting my kids through private school. Joe's got all yes men. They go, way to fuck another life out of him, Joe. Would you rather fuck a dog or a cat? No, cats are sexy. Cats look at you like they wanna suck your cock, dude.

Starting point is 00:05:01 You don't let them do it, trust me. Lewis goes, what are you thinking about little kitty cat? I learned the hard way you can't let a cat suck your cock. I've seen too many arms of couches get destroyed by a cat. Yeah dude but cats are little whores you ever see the way they look at you? The way they put their little asshole? Yeah dude with their eyes they want to fucking. That's a problem though. Sexy as shit dude. It's a problem. They're like they look like girls that are gonna be to you... That's a problem though. It's sexy as shit dude. It's a problem. They're like, they look like girls that are going to be to you. That's the vibe they have.

Starting point is 00:05:27 You go, I told them to stop. Are you fucking them in the ass with a pussy? Well if they... Ah, pussy hell yeah dude. I only fuck asses. Damn. Stop it dude. That's not how you made a baby.

Starting point is 00:05:39 No, we do that in the lab. The doctor was doing it. The doctor was doing it in a petri dish. He goes, you fuck a lot of ass. And Joe goes, you know. No, we do that in the lab The doctor was doing it the doctor was doing an apeture dish he goes you fuck a lot of ass You didn't have you had a baby we have we have sex But you didn't come in the vagina and make the baby that way. No, I came in a cup Everybody's getting a trophy. Wait, you actually didn't come and you were I thought you were joking

Starting point is 00:06:01 No, I've come I come in my wife That's not how the baby was made she's 58 years old what are you talking about I fucking whipped it in with a little African lady wrist rocket wrist rocket double that's wild so you guys so I don't even know what that's called like that's not not intro... It's called not holy. What do they do? How do they do it? They take it and they fucking like put it on a Petri dish.

Starting point is 00:06:28 They fucking jam it in there. Do you just call Joe's baby an abomination? Sorry. What did you call it? Intravenal? What did you call it? Wait, hold on, hold on. Intravenal females.

Starting point is 00:06:38 What is it? Femininas. Fertilization. You don't even know what it's called? Fertilization. Intravenous. Nope. Valvenous. Valvenous, you remember Valvenous? God damn right I do. That's a great recipe. You don't even know what it's called? Fertilization. Intro Venus. Nope.

Starting point is 00:06:45 Valvenus. Valvenus. You remember Valvenus? God damn right I do. And his turn where he became conservative. Now we're talking real good. What about sensational Sherry? Sherry Martell.

Starting point is 00:06:54 She was fantastic. Back to the Valvenus. I mean it was, you know. No, let's get back to your Jurassic Park baby. That's the music they put into it. That's the music they made. Joe goes, what if I told you life finds a way? No, they put it into a Jurassic baby. They put it in a frog egg.

Starting point is 00:07:17 He goes, welcome to my Astoria apartment. That little baby comes out of the crib. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:07:31 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:07:39 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not, but it's not working. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino have kids. Your balls stay good forever. Men are, men are, well I thought that you just didn't have

Starting point is 00:07:50 enough thrust to really shoot it in her. Oh, I thrust. And it just dribbled out. Joe's got a nice piece. Dude, Joe's, it's not about the piece, it's about the thrust. Dude, I'm telling you right now, Joe is sneaky athletic and a good piece.

Starting point is 00:08:01 I bet he has pulverizing hips. Thick cut. Yeah. That's what Dan said. Came out of the shower erect and I was on my laptop and I go, I got a pretty good thick cut there. Oh, fuck. We had babies. We had babies. We had babies the real way. We're blessed by God. What's up? We did it. Yeah, dude. Yeah, real good.

Starting point is 00:08:18 Well, I had to do it the right way. I pulled out, I shot it on her. And then put it back in. And then I put it back in, use it as lube. And you went, James, James's ever a James was a lube, baby. Damn. Also, you are so sexual. Yeah. In fact, you come and you go, I want more. I come and I go, you want to just eat or watch movies?

Starting point is 00:08:36 Dan eats his own cum. I go, oh, no, no. Can you put it on a cracker? Baby takes it better when it's on a cracker. Dan eats his own cum. White Claws, dude. White Claws summer, summer let's go look at that looking fucking toy then what a moron what a moron What a stupid asshole the Ruby great producer just I don't like him. I hate great fixed Lewis's camera, please Thank you for my ice

Starting point is 00:09:01 Thank you for my ice. Which one do you want, Natalie? Here, crack. Yo, have a, yeah, have a grapefruit. Who drinks grapefruit? What is White Claw exactly? It's, please. Gays. Give her the grapefruit.

Starting point is 00:09:11 It's a girl drink. Give her the grapefruit. It's like a Zima. Remember Zimas? No, no, no, there's no sugar in these things. There's one gram of sugar. Like, smearing off ice? I heard, I asked somebody what it tastes like, because we all quit before they came out.

Starting point is 00:09:21 They said it just tastes like a thought. Don't take your taste. You guys get, by the way, this is gay. Don't take your taste. You guys get it. By the way, this is gay. You're not relapsing by taking a sip. Yeah, we are. You're a fucking idiot. All you need is a crack in the goal. That's not true. Yes, that is true. I know. No, you don't. I've lived my life. Trust me. You are an idiot. I'll have a sip. Matt, now you won't. What are you a fucking

Starting point is 00:09:41 idiot? Lewis, let me tell you who Lewis is. Lewis is the... Have a sip. Shut up.'t, what are you a fucking idiot? Yeah, you can have a sip. Lewis, let me tell you who Lewis is. You can have a sip, you piece of shit. Lewis is the- Have a sip. Shut up. Chance don't work here, like fucking Legion of Scans. Hold on a second. Chance don't work here, the regs t-shirt, Chance don't work here, that's a great t-shirt.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Chance don't work here. Chance don't work here. Marketing genius, he's a marketing genius. Let me tell you who Lewis is. He's the dumb slut in the horror movie that they go, guys, that lake is haunted, and he goes, come on, guys, you just gotta live your life. And he gets in the lake and then something impales him,

Starting point is 00:10:09 not in a sexual way. Have you seen In A Violent Nature? Anyone see that film? Joe keeps bringing this up like he produced the goddamn thing. I brought it up. You brought it up five times. We're not on fucking, we're not on, we're not on, we're not on this fucking movie experience.

Starting point is 00:10:22 We're not on, we're not on. New special, we're not Ranaan. New special. Ranaan-a-nan. Ranaan, new special. Ranaan-a-nan. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Called Brave. Ranaan-a-nan.

Starting point is 00:10:30 Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ranaan-a-nan. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. It's the best promo for Ranaan ever. Ranaan Hirschberg's new special is Brave. Can I say he was on Real Ass Podcast? Killed it.

Starting point is 00:10:42 Good. He's hilarious. He's funny. He's super funny. He was fucking literally maybe one of my favorite new guests we've had on the show in a long time. Ronan is legit hilarious. I thought they're show mastermen, horse shit. I never get to-

Starting point is 00:10:52 I'll tell you right now, Joe and Ronan have called me before and I've been on speaker phone with them, snooze fest. Oh my God. But you get them in the room. I was talking with Ronan and Louis and all they talked was movies and I wanted to fucking kill myself. Yeah, don't bring up movies, Ronan, don't movies around but he's funny to do you guys sexualize your Jokes, she's funny. What did you say? I'd rather you sexualize your grandmother. Ooh, hell. Yeah your abuela Yeah, so stop there was great movie fucking rule we're not doing a movie fuck you. Yeah, I love it

Starting point is 00:11:23 I think you guys to watch now all three of us loved it. It was good. What? Hey. Hey, man. Hey, Louis. No, I knew you were gonna say a racial slur. No, that's a bring great dissonance.

Starting point is 00:11:38 Why do you do that? It was good. It was great. Him popping out the back. Stop great. Stop great. It was great. It was great. Thank you. That's. Stop great. Stop great. It was great. It was great.

Starting point is 00:11:46 Thank you. You guys are easy. That's your Godzilla? Can I just say... No! Stop saying can I just say. That should be your shirt. Can I just say? On the back it says no exclamation mark. And then under that it says everyone. Everyone say no.

Starting point is 00:12:02 It's in quotes. We got two bangers. It's in quotes. That's good. We got to we got to bang genius. I guess fucking in a marketing geniuses. How about the Gramercy? That was a show dog. Well, let me say thank everyone who came out. I fucking piss in shit before you move on from Godzilla. Yeah. Godzilla. The fact that they try to do Godzilla versus King Kong is bonkers. Do you think that's the movie we're talking about? No. Okay.

Starting point is 00:12:27 You're doing Godzilla minus one. The point is, Godzilla versus King Kong is a crazy thing. Godzilla has a atomic breath that is more powerful, a hundred times more powerful than an atomic Kong. King Kong. I was waiting for that. I was waiting to see who was gonna get the first halitosis joke.

Starting point is 00:12:40 Yeah, Louis shoots out little rings like baby Godzilla. Go, go, go, go, go, goes, but you're just saying his bad breath would have killed King Kong. No King Kong shot down from the fucking Empire State building with little helicopters. That was the original King Kong. There was other King Kong got elected when he gets out. When he gets electrocuted, he gets more powerful King Kong. Yes. That's such a hundred percent. That's Blanca from street fighter. Shout out to shout out. King Kong? Yes. That's true. That's a hundred percent. That's Blanca from Street Fighter. Shout out to shout out. King Kong, King Kong got electrocuted and got more power. King Kong's got nothing on Godzilla. That's good. You guys

Starting point is 00:13:14 see the trailer for Gladiator 2? Yeah, I like it. What is happening? We're just having four friends having a conversation. We're having a summer movie talk. Sorry, we're not in your fucking running man challenges. Also you keep on pushing it you started talking about Godzilla minus one was good because it was the old original Godzilla. That's why it was good Don't on your shirt the little tiny trains and the little Japanese. Yeah, that's That's Chinese That's the guy that made your baby, dude Yeah, that's why. He did it well. He did it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hold the game, oh God! Like, standard with the...

Starting point is 00:14:06 The harikari? Yeah. How many times did you have to do it before you had one? What's the process? The epidural? Talk about the process of... Yeah, how many times did you have to put a little ice cube and let it melt in a vagina? What time?

Starting point is 00:14:17 What did you do? What was it? You had to go calm down. Is that what you think it is? They take like the mosquito, like really like, transfer bark. They pull it out. Yeah, they did it. Yeah, they... Joe. Yeah, they did.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Joe comes in a rock and they- Your jizz was obsidian. That would be a sick ass cane for you to have though. In the top of it, it's your cum. It looks like the Tracer Park. What'd you do? You had to go and you had to jerk off into a cup? I had to jerk off.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Well, this is true, cause I went twice. Because it was like eight months apart. You just jerked off and threw it in the barrel? First time they had porn on the thing what poor big porn guy So I don't watch a lot of porn. So I was like, this is exciting. How do you jerk on through and your brain? Instagram photos Creep Joe and I are vanilla boys, dude. We can go off brain and off bikini shot I went brain the other day. I was jerking off while watching men's tennis

Starting point is 00:15:06 Was it there grunting that did it for you, but also be like What were you thinking about men's tennis? Dick going and out of an asshole's oh fuck. Oh fuck Taylor Fritz, but you don't watch porn at all No, I watch it a little bit here and there. I watch some porn. It's hard to watch porn. But my thing about porn, and we've had this conversation too, is the thing about porn is they're there to fuck.

Starting point is 00:15:33 Like I know they're getting ready to fuck, they're gonna fuck, so there's nothing. Real about it. Shoojie about it. Yeah. Watch the scenario porn. Get the whole movie and sit through it. I know, but even that I know. You know it's fake. Yes. And she's like, oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:15:46 So I gotta go, I gotta go weird, or I gotta go imagination. What's weird? Yeah, what is weird? What's weird to you? You know, like, um, fucking lost a bet, has to show her tits. Those are fun.

Starting point is 00:15:57 Yeah, something like that. They got gambling porn. They got where the lady lost a bet, and he's gonna pay, she's gonna pay his debt. Or reverse bukkake. I like a reverse bukkake I like a reverse. I went to I actually felt bad about this the other night. This is true I went to a rape porn website. Jesus Christ. I mean my god, I was literally with you

Starting point is 00:16:16 I was like you'd lose is probably gonna take in that first sentence. You're just like that. Well, it wasn't real rape porn Well, yeah, okay. It was a good nation of like movie scenes and Movies My hand hurts my hand I'm hot I'm sorry, we've been slapping so I got the hot hand But it was like what was the fucking call dude? Okay, gay men calm Google rape scenes in movies. No, don't fucking, don't Google rape scenes. Why can't you Google that? But we're throwing kids at the back,

Starting point is 00:16:47 make sure they trace the IP. There's the accused. There's a bunch, there's a bunch of great ones. What one made you, which one made you come? Death Wish, Death Wish. I almost don't even want to, you guys don't want to see, you'll think, you'll think poorly of me. We can't think any less.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Can you show us the scene that made you nut? Dude, it's really brutal. What is it, from what movie? Just tell us the movie. It's called, show us the scene that made you nut? Dude, it's really brutal. What is it? From what movie? Just tell us the movie. It's called... Can you tell us what made you ascend? It's the most brutal rape scene in any movie ever. What was the movie?

Starting point is 00:17:14 That's what made you cum? Yeah, I went back to it this time. I've done it like three or four times. Jesus Christ. It's bad, dude. This one's bad. What's going on, bud? What's going on? It's fine, dude.

Starting point is 00:17:23 No, that's not fine. You know we have BetterHelp.. You know, we have better help Joe Tweeted fuck better help today and then it's one of our dumb idiot fans tag better help. Oh, geez delete the tweet you idiot Shout out that fan for telling us. Yeah, dude fucking asshole. What was the movie? It's called Why am I forgetting the name of it right now? I'm glad you do. Is it called Rapin' in the City? No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:17:50 Three Men and a Rape? It's great rape expectancy. I gotta go. We're in a movie by adding the word rape to it. The rapes of wrath? That's fine. Thank you. What's eating Gilbert Rape?

Starting point is 00:18:03 Hey! Sour rapes? Planet of the rapes. Everyone's just getting raped. You damn dirty animals. You dirty animals. Jesus Christ. Rape jelly?

Starting point is 00:18:20 What was it? Why am I fucking forgetting? Who cares? Say something say something. We gotta move on. I can't remember. Do you want me to find a way to debate? Oh, Joe getting my viral tweet. I saw that dude. Donald Trump jr loves Joe list. I'm going. I'm going full heel turn What did you do? What'd you do? What I love is Joe going right wing grift knowing how liberal he is It'll be fun to watch him be like the planet's fine and then he just goes Somewhere I've got a room he goes He's got it. He's got it. What is it?

Starting point is 00:18:52 Irreversible what is that? It is like a 17 minute like one shot. It is fucking brutal, dude I don't know that it's sick. What makes you phone three or four times. I just fucking jerked off three. What kind of rape is it, though? Brutal, really fucked up. And I've never watched a movie, but apparently now that I know this, the girl's pregnant and the baby dies because of the rape. Come on. Come on. Oh, it's better than making a baby out of Trey.

Starting point is 00:19:19 I wish there was a guy named Trey. That's fun. Being there. You almost got there. Yeah. He attacked your son. You got the ingredients. He be in there. You almost got there. Yeah. You got the ingredients. You got the ingredients. It's fucking brutal.

Starting point is 00:19:29 Why does she get, what is the scenario though? I don't know. I've just watched the rape scene. You didn't watch the movie? He rapes her in the ass, dude. It's fucking brutal. Oh. This is what makes you cum?

Starting point is 00:19:40 No. It's like three times in my life, but it made me feel very dark. After I cum. Cumming to like three times in my life, but it made me feel very so hot after I come coming to that I'm like literally what I'm done. I'm like I close my computer and I like what the fuck dude The fuck is wrong with me. I do that every time I come anyway. No stop that otherwise usually Usually it's just like, you know, like a normal rape Joe's getting nervous Scared my wife and I have a vigorous sex life so I don't jerk that much.

Starting point is 00:20:07 You're fucking home and then I'm 42. Of course you can have as much sex as you want. That vagina's dead. Oh come on. Sorry. She wants to have a nigger-ous sex life. Wow. Just bleeped that? I mean that's crazy. I thought the worst part was going to be him admitting he came to a rape scene three times.

Starting point is 00:20:27 Whatever, dude. You guys are fucking... Really? You're not... You're really... You've never come to a brutal rape scene? Look at me. No.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Look at me. Look at me. Yes. Fifth. You said the hard E-R-N word. It didn't even make sense. What is that? Should I have said niggerish? Wow, you shouldn't say it. Like licorice? You said the hard E-R-N word. It didn't even make sense. What is that?

Starting point is 00:20:45 Should I have said niggerish? Wow, you shouldn't say it. Like licorice? Yeah. Licorice. That is a fun form of racist candy. You know that my dad was actually black. I was called the N word by racists in my neighborhood

Starting point is 00:21:00 as they threw rocks at me and chased me. I was not in your neighborhood. I ran away from them and my leg braces fell apart. And my mom fucked my principal to get me into a better school. I went to a college, I played football. I was in love with a slut who was a drug addict and she came back only when I had money.

Starting point is 00:21:17 I invented the Have a Nice Day logo. And you have Apple stock, the original Apple. Damn dude, it's crazy you just called your son retarded. Oh, no, he's not like you. It's crazy you just called your son retarded. Oh. No, he's not like you. No. Is that what you said to Beatrice when you came in to pick up James?

Starting point is 00:21:30 He's not like me. You go, is he like me? She goes, no, he doesn't come to rape scenes. Thank God. Guys, I opened up to you guys. I can't believe this thrown into my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we should.

Starting point is 00:21:43 No, what's the most fucked up thing you've ever come to? We fucking did this like two episodes ago. The most fucked up thing? I would have told you. We're already doing best ofs. That's not true. The most fucked up thing you've ever come to. We did it.

Starting point is 00:21:54 The most fucked up thing we'd watch on porn. I told you, my grandmother's last breath. The smell of it. Ascend. Keep saying ascend. I don't think we should judge him. All right. He's a little fucking rape porn, dude. But it's from a movie, it's not an actual rape.

Starting point is 00:22:14 I don't judge. It's a movie. If Lewis could get the real thing, he'd... I think the way to redeem yourself is to watch the whole movie. Yeah. Nope. Can't get there without coming. I always come with that rape scene. It's so funny.

Starting point is 00:22:26 Fall asleep. Louis is like, I'm super into this. Uh-oh, uh-oh, it's happening. Oh, she's about to get a very unpleasant surprise. Try to watch the movie without jerking off, and if you can make it through, then you redeem yourself. That's fun. Uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:22:43 Oh no. yourself. Oh no! Idle hands! Seventeen minutes of hot rape action! Don't say anything, just let them die out. Let them fizzle out. We have so much fun. God, we are ruined. Side pod. When you do your rape shit, Dan? Little side pod, dude. You're good at rape. Whatever, you guys are fucking pussies, fucking liberal cucks. What's liberal about not liking You're good at raping. You're good at raping. You're good at raping. You're good at raping. Whatever. You guys are fucking pussies, fucking liberal cucks. What's liberal about not liking rape? I don't like rape. Yes you do.

Starting point is 00:23:11 You love it. I'm fantasizing about being the person being raped. Oh. Just so you guys know. That was good. That was good. That was good. Way to flip it on its head, sister.

Starting point is 00:23:20 Did I tell you the story? I don't want to name names. Way to take the power back, bitch. I don't want to name names, but I was talking to a comedian. You black queen. Man, I'm still on it. I've told you the story. I don't want to take the power back bitch. I don't want to name names but I was talking to a black queen. I'm still I've told you this story I think. But it was a comedian a famous comedian that wrote different different circles in us and they were like how long you've been doing comedy and I was like oh like 20 years and then they went oh my god. Who was it. Oh my. Do we know what it is. It's not even a bad thing. We know them. No because what happens it's Oh my god. Say who it was. Do we know who it is?

Starting point is 00:23:45 It's not even a bad thing. Who was it? Do we know them? No, because what happens, it's not a bad thing. Do we know them? No. Are they famous? Maybe.

Starting point is 00:23:53 What is it? Who is it? But anyways, it was so annoying. To see this real. Who the fuck does that? This person. Who? Can you give us a name of the one of the?

Starting point is 00:24:03 No, because it'll be like the other thing. And then everyone will start tweeting. It'll be a big controversy. It's a big controversy. We need some controversies. Yeah. All right, gentlemen, let's take a quick moment and talk about Lucy, which is one of our incredible sponsors here on the show.

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Starting point is 00:25:40 Here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Yeah, I actually skipped therapy today to play Guitar Hero. The fact that it's a real thing that happened. I kind of like that though. How far did you get? I was just crushing on an expert. I'm really just like... What songs? I got my ex, my Guitar Hero and an Xbox 360, and two guitar games and two guitars for, was it her birthday?

Starting point is 00:26:09 No, it was for Christmas. Did you get it on her ex box? Valentine's Day. It was for Valentine's, it was very romantic. Yeah, she loved guitar hero as a kid. And, uh. You mean a couple months ago? No, she was like 14, 15.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Yeah, we would just. But then she left it. When she left, she left the Guitar Hero. And then I haven't played it since. And it made me sad when I would pick up the guitar. And then they started waiting on me. Can I ask a genuine question? What?

Starting point is 00:26:38 Are you gay? Are you on painkillers? No. Why? Seem off. No, I'm great. I'm crushing it. What are you talking about? I'm sad, I'm in pain, my back hurts. Yeah, you totally think. I wish I had painkillers, I'm great. I'm crushing it. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:26:45 I'm sad, I'm in pain, my back hurts. Yeah, you totally think. I wish I had painkillers. I'm saying, I'm not saying you're not funny. You seem a little like a painkiller-y. No, no, no, I'm on edibles, I'm on weed, I'm on white claws, my back actually hurts. I could use a painkiller.

Starting point is 00:26:59 Do that again. Do this on pain pills again. Oh. That was good. That's how you see me right now? Yeah. Just right now. Dude, I think it's That's how you see me right now? Yeah. Just right now. Dude, I think it's the animals.

Starting point is 00:27:07 You're gonna wake up and you're gonna go, dude, I admitted that I jerked off that rape scene. Why did I do that? I don't shame you. I think you can't help what you're attracted to. I'm not attracted to rape scenes. What gets you off is what gets you off, dude. I caught in traffic a few times, boys.

Starting point is 00:27:23 You know, once in a while I got caught in the fog. I hate the lawyer you right now, but you admitted at the beginning of this conversation you went looking for rape scenes. Yeah, well I did. It was just whatever, dude. Every time I've jerked off the rape porn, listen to me. Every time that I've jerked off the rape porn. We know three accounts so far, but there could be more. From the same one? That one I've jerked off to other rape porn we know three accounts so far, but there could be more. The same one. That one I've, well I've jerked off to other rape one.

Starting point is 00:27:47 I guess you're right. Yes, fine. Fine. I'll be as sure. Clockwork Orange. I murdered the guy. What a great fucking life to be able to just be like, yeah, fine. I jerk off to rape.

Starting point is 00:27:57 And I don't get it. Not always. Guys, I mean, we're talking about like 30 some odd years of jerking off. You've never jerked off a few times to rape. Well, I was going to say, be honest. OK, you know what? Hold on. Be honest.

Starting point is 00:28:14 All right. I don't think it's a rape scene, but the Diane Keaton unfaithful. That's a good one to jerk off. What is it? Diane Keaton. Not Diane Keaton, Diane Lane. Is it a rape scene? In what? one in what movie unfaithful. Oh Cuz yeah, the Jodie Foster accused scene is also very jerkable. No. Yes, it is. No, she's hot as fuck, dude

Starting point is 00:28:35 Jodie Foster in that scene. She's been a little fix. She's my slut dude Dancing around all drunk. Yeah Deserved it. Oh Another one to Thelma and Louise. There's a rape scene in that. It's brief and then they kill them. They kill the rape also hot or beat them up. But what I'm trying to say is clockwork orange, cock and rape at the same time that by the way, when I was 11 or maybe not, but here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:29:00 Core memory. My mom showed me this movie. I watched it with my mother. I watched it with my mother. I watched the rape scene. I remember the cutting out the nipples of the red dress. Clear as day, this is like a very like, just remembered. I remember them holding his face to watch them rape. This is why I'm into this. And it fucking, I remember it being so like,

Starting point is 00:29:19 feeling so gross and like just this feeling. And watching it with my mom, it's just like the whole thing is bizarre. I think we found the root brother. Can I admit something to you? I think we got to our root. You just came.

Starting point is 00:29:34 I did jerk off to a rape scene once. Can I tell you what it is? Yeah, I have an important question. Just remind me I have an important question for Lewis. We go to your rape scene after we finished this. Okay. Oh, okay. Just the important question was real quick. Had your mother seen the film before? I don't think so. I think she had to rent it. Okay. That makes it better. Like if she had seen it, but no, no, no, but she did. She was about it. What I do get girls, Louis, well, when boobs come out in a movie now with James, I cover his eyes. My mom didn't

Starting point is 00:30:05 do any of that. She like fucking held them open, like clockwork orange. I jerked off to a rape scene. The woman got raped. What movie? By a ghost. A ghost? Baba Hershey. There was a ghost in the house that would rape her. Oh, an incubus. An incubus that would rape her. Oh, an incubus.

Starting point is 00:30:25 An incubus that would rape her. Pardon me while I burst. While I rape. They showed her. The ghost pulled her shirt down and they showed her boob getting smushed by a ghost. That's not a rape scene. That's a rape scene.

Starting point is 00:30:39 That is 80s, just a scene. Just normal. That's just what happens. She got raped by an apparition. That's true. My favorite fruit. She didn't want to get raped by the ghost. She wasn't looking for ghosts.

Starting point is 00:30:51 Everyone likes a little bit of ghost rape. There's only been one ghost rape in a movie and that's the movie. What was the movie called? I had a joke on my act about ghosts back in the Catskills days. Back in the Catskills days? Back in the Catskills days. What was it, Bob?

Starting point is 00:31:06 No, it was Bob or Hershey got raped by a ghost. That was something hot about that, so I'm with you. Yeah, Clockwork Orange was, that was really something. I was like, oh, this is making me feel good in a way. Never seen it. You never saw Clockwork Orange? No, never seen it. Good movie.

Starting point is 00:31:23 It's not a fun watch. The rape scene was uncomfortable, though. It was not a fun watch. There's a couple rape scenes. The opening scene is a rape. Good movie. It's not a fun watch. The rape scene was uncomfortable though. It was not a fun watch. There's a couple of rape scenes. The opening scene is a rape scene. Yeah, it's not a good watch. It's not an easy watch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:32 I'm like. But they're all like British guys. I was like, you're not tough, you're British. They invented the rape. They'd pull their ship up to a new island and go, rape everyone. Give it the old in out, in out, that's what they called it, I like that.

Starting point is 00:31:48 What did they do? That's poor people talk, not the leader of the ship. No, but that's what they called it in Oh, the in and out? Yeah, but the guy who was rich was said to go rape, but the poor people went and did the rapes. Sure, but he was. So he was right on character.

Starting point is 00:32:00 I want to rape her. I bet that guy raped. I bet he had people rape for him. Dude, you don dude. You know I do you don't know your history. I know history I bet by the way I bet first or women Jesus Christ more women masturbate to rape scenes and men yes, I bet you women are fucking into that shit They say no, but they're doing you have to do something in real life that replicated that like a great bull headed a role play Goddamn dude, you might be on pills, but you're fired Damn you're peeled out

Starting point is 00:32:41 The bell is what again what is the bell bell the feeling? It's what if you want. Yeah, what is it? Give me the rape bell? It's about the bell, dude? I thought it was the truth bell or the feelings bell. Whatever you feel like it. It's whatever you want. Yeah, what is it? Could be the rape bell. It's the bell of truth. What was it? I thought it was the truth bell, but then Bobby did a, it's hurting my feelings. Bobby just got excited about a joke and he just did it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:54 Yeah, like a chimp. I had a chimp. I had a chimp. And that hurt, and I'm sorry. It's okay, it's all right. You know what? It's the truth slash I've been hurt. Yeah, I've been hurt.

Starting point is 00:33:03 Let me, let me, yeah. Yeah. You're like a lab rat. We got to take it away. He's broken. Have you ever done role playing in that? You ever feel like, you know, you come in and you sneak in and you know, but I mean, you know, I've done like, you've done diet rapes. What's it? All the rape, none of the force. Like with a chicken. Here's the I I've always like I'm not really there's no carb Right. Yeah, no sugar. No grain. No sugar rape Sexually, I don't do like if a chicks really in like whatever I'll be into it

Starting point is 00:33:34 So if it chicks in like anal what's the weirdest thing that goes into that you but like I wouldn't like I'll tell you We're saying a second but like I wouldn't so unless a girl came to me with like yo I need I have a rape fantasy that wouldn't turn me on at all. But I'll get to like a little bit of choking or smacking or biting and shit like that. You never pretended to like rob her purse or something? No, I was just, god damn it, get down on the floor. And then she's got you.

Starting point is 00:33:58 I've never role played, but I've played with roles. Like a fat woman, you kind of wiggle her stomach around. I remember that. No, no, that was good. In fact, they'll laugh. Very fucking optimistic. I'm sending it back. They'll laugh at anything. Dan said it was good.

Starting point is 00:34:10 Louis is smiling. I had a girl, Dougie, I had this fucking chick. I won't give too much detail. Rolled? Fucking sucked. I was going to go for a fat Bobby joke with a roll, and I just decided not to. I went against it. You talk about hills. Hey, Lut, perked out Louis. and I just decided not to I want it I want to against it hey

Starting point is 00:34:26 Luke perked out Lewis what Lewis per Gomez he passes out we just keep doing it all right he pops back out he goes the spark is on well what was the thing you're gonna say he has no idea no I know I know. The chick that, uh, the... Don't come at me like that, motherfucker. Dude, you don't know about these pill people. You want to fuck go, dude? Who is this too high to ring the bell? It's broken. This bell's broken.

Starting point is 00:34:54 This bell stinks. It's a fucking bell. You got to not do it so aggressive. Hit it, Dan. It was a chick. This was some crazy shit, dude. Yeah. I can't wait. My pants are all shaggy. Thank God it was a chick. I'll say, uh, she was... I won't she was, I don't want to give the joke.

Starting point is 00:35:08 All right. Waitress at a comedy club. I'll say that much. Whoa. Which was my pipe. I did waitress at a comedy club, young female comedian. Don't shake your head when you say that, because it just looks predatory.

Starting point is 00:35:21 I get them. So this is a PSA for women that work at comedy clubs to stay away from you. You go, jerk it off to a rave. I love PSA is pussy. I like painkiller Lewis. It's kind of fun. It's fun. Less intimidating, but funny. It's like when they dope up the Tigers at the zoo. I fucking love this. I love this oil barons tiger. It's some guy in Saudi Arabia. This chick was fucking hot as fuck. Yeah. Toy. Can you say which club? No, no, you can't. Can't give it away. That's getting crazy. I respect that. Is it a respectable club? No, he's

Starting point is 00:35:59 working. No, same joke on me. So self deprecation. You can't take it away from me. Comedy club waitress. You guys hit it off. Toy. Crazy bitch. Crazy hot though. But you're so good you're on top of it.

Starting point is 00:36:13 Dark hair, light eyes. I know exactly who this is. Right? Bonkers, this bitch. So I know, I think I know who this is. Can you text it to me? No, stop. I don't know her name.

Starting point is 00:36:24 I just have to explain who she is. She would. I'm getting like fucking boned up over here. She would tell me she would she would act like a baby girl. I know exactly who this is. What do you mean a baby girl? Like a four year old. Dan can you do the voice?

Starting point is 00:36:37 She go, Lewis! Yes. I need a I need you a big weenu in my butthole. She didn't do that she like literally didn't. There was nothing sexual. Like a goo goo goo goo. Look did you tell me she does it better than me? I need a, I need you a big weenu in my butthole. She didn't do that. She like literally didn't. It was nothing sexual. Like a goo goo goo. Did she tell me she does it better than me?

Starting point is 00:36:48 She said I was the best in the head. She did diaper wearing baby? She shit herself? No, no, no, no, no. Like four years old, that was like her age. And I mean, it's that kind of theory that that was like the age she was molested and that's what her feeling is.

Starting point is 00:36:58 Yeah, that's a. Yeah, and that turned me on. So I was like, I went back for seconds. You go, well this is real, based on true stories, based on actual events. Yeah, this was the craziest shit ever, and I couldn't get, it was too weird. What would she make you do, like wear a suit,

Starting point is 00:37:13 and you would come home and she'd be playing with blocks? She would wanna play with me, before. She would wanna play. Did you have toys? She wanted to play with my son's toys. Oh. Really? That's fucked up. Oh, come on.

Starting point is 00:37:24 Yeah, yeah, that's so funny of James, when of James. It was bonkers. Can I ask you about my Lego town? There's been some differences. I can't get them apart. That's nuts. He goes, what did it? I think it rained in Lego land. So she would be like, I'm going to go, I'm going to go hit the leg. And then she wanted me to like buy her like fucking toys, like Barbie castles and shit. And I was like, I couldn't fucking hit the like. And then she wanted me to like buy her like fucking toys, like Barbie castles and shit. And I was like. You guys have snackables. I couldn't fucking.

Starting point is 00:37:49 Dude, the snacks and the toys were off the chart. Cause the first time she did it, she was like. Who likes a popsicle? She was like, I just want to play with the toys. And I was like, I was like. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:38:00 Oh. You're going like, no, I get it, you're four, but I need to fuck it. But then you dissent you a little. You go like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You know what, why don't we drop this real quick? I'd fucking shut up. It was bonkers.

Starting point is 00:38:27 Did you fuck her? I've had, yeah, it's like a few times. Did she? Not as like, she didn't act like a child while we had sex. So she came back to her adult form. I had hooked up with her, no, I had hooked up with her a couple times before that. As a regular person? It ended with this.

Starting point is 00:38:40 Like we hooked up a couple times. Did she say? And then her kinks started coming out. When she saw the toys? Maybe. She goes, what is that? Is that a Lego set? Is that a-

Starting point is 00:38:48 Are those Lincoln Logs? Is that a small blanket? It was one of the craziest. How did she propose it to you? Did she go, there's this thing I really need to- She sent me like links for like Barbie castles and like toys and shit. Did you buy her any?

Starting point is 00:39:00 I did buy her a couple. You did not. Where'd you get her? You bought her fucking toys? What is wrong with you? She sent me a link. She was like, I see great movies. You know what? You ball out?

Starting point is 00:39:09 She was just like a weird chick. So James came home and there was like girl toys in the fridge? He goes, hey dad, hey dad, what's up with the American girl ball in my playroom? Why'd you give me a cabbage patch? Yeah, I don't like Barbie. Why do you have so many of her stuff? When you were done fucking, did she have to take a nap? She goes, I want clam crackers.

Starting point is 00:39:30 Well, I'm going to tell you what. They might soak up the cum you just swallowed. All right, gentlemen, let's take a quick moment and thank Small Batch Cigar for supporting today's show. I love Small Batch Cigar. They sent me a package. Look, dude, I'm becoming a cigar guy because small batch cigars got me hooked. I don't know if that's a good thing to tell people.

Starting point is 00:39:47 That's not a good thing to say. But I'll tell you right now, dude, I smoked a cigar today. In the backyard, I smoked a cigar. They really are great. They have an amazing selection of cigars. If you're a cigar enthusiast, you're going to be able to click around their website and get the best cigars possible. If you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, if you're somebody like me, they have a brand new page, they have a discovery page. You can find brand new cigars based off the things that you like.

Starting point is 00:40:08 It's such a great way to order cigars. And the best of all, they're in small batches, shipped in the best packaging in the industry. They come with a nice Ziploc bag with a Boveda pack in it to keep it fresh. It's like a little mini humidor. You don't need to own a humidor, have some box and go and spend the money.

Starting point is 00:40:24 They ship it to you in its own little humidor and it keeps fresh. They're not going to come broken or messed up. And when they come, it's always a surprise. I get my pack, I'm smoking cigars I never even thought of buying and now I'm smoking them and I'm enjoying all these new brands. I send you pictures of the ones that I'm smoking and Bobby's like, that's a great one, that's a great one. Yeah's a great one. Yeah Just sent me another pack I'll give you mine

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Starting point is 00:41:35 You know what you want it and they got it small batch cigar calm that was the weirdest That's the weirdest bitch that is insane Well, that's that wants to relive one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. And I I'm friends with Jim Norton. Yeah. And that's one of the fuck did she how did you let her down? Were you like, hey, sorry, on his night? I just I did. You give her a spanking. No, no, I told her I was going to bring her to Six Flags,

Starting point is 00:41:58 but I left her on the stoop and I just told her I was coming back. I was beautiful. She fucked the hell out of the next dude. Yeah. When she blew you, did she have a milk mustache? Hey. But like a bum down. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:42:11 Bum down. Did she ever bring it up after you stopped fucking? Was she like, hey, was it the little girl thing? No. No? No. Did you see her after that? She came over.

Starting point is 00:42:21 What happened was she came over. She started asking for toys and shit. Did you have to fuck a girl? I was like, I said I want came over Like she asked sort of asking for toys and shit You have to fuck like a center like a toy because she asked for it by the way Thank you because I've been sending Katie links to GI Joe ultimate So did you have to fuck her in the daytime before eight? So she yeah, then the last time she came over she was like wouldn't get out of character She was like doing this thing and I was like you're trapped I've seen this with the TV before you're gonna call her mom yeah I couldn't fuck she wouldn't stop doing it and you

Starting point is 00:42:53 really I can't like do this and sheing myself. I'm back in, I'm back in. All right, let me check. My baby just don't put a diaper on. She was so hot. Was she small? Small, yeah. Did she have outfits? No, not really.

Starting point is 00:43:15 She just kind of, she was just. She didn't show up with like a little girl outfit? No, she didn't. Did she have an oversized sucker? She would wear like a t-shirt with no pants. Do you still have her mom's number? Dude, that's wild, dude. That is wild. What's the craziest shit you've ever dealt with? The lady whose daughter slept in the closet.

Starting point is 00:43:32 What? There's like crazy stripper in Tucson. I met her at a... I think I might have told the story on the show, but I met her in an open mic at Laughs, and she was just hammered. She was hot, but she was like six years expired. Like six years before, which times out with her daughter,

Starting point is 00:43:50 she would have been a smoke show. Now there was a little loose on the sides and up top, huge tits, came out, you could smoke inside, and she came out and I was playing photo hunter, a photo, you know, the, what's it called? Photo hunt. Oh yeah. Photo hunt, which is like, you're matching chicks with t know, the, what's it called? Photo hunt. Oh yeah, yeah. Photo hunt, but no, it's a photo hunt. It's like you're matching like chicks with tits.

Starting point is 00:44:08 Yeah, it's like, yeah. I love that. I was doing erotic, I swear to God, I was doing erotic photo hunt. Erotic photo match. It used to be at the corner of the bar at Last in Tucson. And I was sitting there. I just unapologetically was being like 23.

Starting point is 00:44:20 I was like 20, like 21. And I was drinking, they used to, I used to drink fat tires and they had a Jaegerator and I'd just do shots of Jaeger, like cold Jaeger by myself. You could smoke inside, it fucking ruled. And I was drinking and she came out and she goes, do you have a light?

Starting point is 00:44:35 And I was just like, oh, you have giant titties. I was like, yeah, and she goes, I'll pay you with a kiss. And I was like, for real? And she gave me a peck, immediately, huge boner. She was at the open mic, the open mic rolled in. I imagine having a huge boner. Dude, you know what I mean? Lewis, you know what I mean though, that boner when you're

Starting point is 00:44:55 like 21 and something kind of sexual happens. Like instant. Yeah, instant. So she was at the open mic which turned into a regular show and I was drunk enough that she was like sitting at a back table. And I went, I went, Hey, what's your name? And she was like, Oh, hey, she was a mess. What was her name? Do you remember?

Starting point is 00:45:13 No, I don't. I don't know. Gretchen. I genuinely don't remember her. Ratchet. But she went, can I, you know, she like came back out. It was Dawn Kelly. Hey, what if it was? What if you just remembered now? Oh, dude like came back out. It was Dawn Kelly. Hey, fucking. What if it was? What if you just remembered now? He's like, oh, dude, it was. It unlocked.

Starting point is 00:45:29 But we ended up she ended up like after the show being like a bug on your face. Yeah, there is a fucking bug in front of me. Tell you piece of shit. Bugging me. Anyways, fast forward. She came to the radio station, blew me on air. I had to fake.

Starting point is 00:45:42 I had to fake that I was on air. Howard Stern. I think it wasn't actually on air. I had to fake that I was on air. Howard Stern. It wasn't actually on air. I had it all boxed, but then she was like, I want to blow you on air. So I just turned the volume down. She's an idiot. Yeah. I just turned it down. Oh, this really great. Holy shit. Not as dumb as a four year old, but go ahead. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Probably mental capacity of, but the funniest part is it took her 45 minutes to get to the radio station and I was like, oh, I think she's legitimately drunk driving.

Starting point is 00:46:08 And then she showed up and we hung out and then we went to her house and while we were in her bedroom, I was like, what's up with the closet? Why is there a mattress in there? She's like, my daughter sleeps in there. Oh no. And I was like, no.

Starting point is 00:46:19 Was she like, living in the time? She was a stripper. What's that? Was she in there at the time? No, daughter wasn't there but she was coming home the next morning. How big was the closet? It was like a walk-in closet.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Walk-in closet? It wasn't terrible. It's not bad, Dan. But it was weird. It was designed like a little girl's room. But it was a closet. Oh, that would have been my girl's fantasy room. Oh my God, she's coming thinking about that.

Starting point is 00:46:38 She's like, oh, I wanna go to the. But I did that thing where I drunkenly told her we were gonna have sex all night and in the morning, and I came once and I was like, I gotta go. Lewis has a huge closet. He lives in it. That's fun. What was the weirdest girl you ever met?

Starting point is 00:46:54 Danny, Danny Laff. Danny, Danny. I'm too vanilla for this. You're gonna be fired. If you laugh at bad jokes, dude, that's crazy. You live in the closet like gay. What's the weirdest girl? Anyways, the reason it was weird is,

Starting point is 00:47:05 I think I told this story. Within two months, she was married to like a hardcore South Tucson cholo. Oh, yeah. And like on her fuckin' MySpace, she was like, her lips are outlined in shit. I was like, this bitch is nuts. You think like me?

Starting point is 00:47:19 Bobby, well, the craziest girl that he was ever with, it was a fucking bitch who gave him herpes on a, yeah, who looks small. Yeah, she wasn't crazy. She was really sweet. Was she sweet? Yeah. I imagine a real skank. I remember a crazy lady.

Starting point is 00:47:30 I imagine like the Legion of the Skankfest logo chick. Be like, come here, Dan. Joe, whatever your name is. No, she was great. He's so pill-goddy. You call him Dan. But we did have, I did have a girl who was missing her two front teeth blow everyone in the house one night for roommates. Well is this in the story. No no this is in Everett. What about

Starting point is 00:47:51 the lady you met at the dueling piano bars. What was that. I met a couple of women there black out at Ha and she came back to the house. Oh yeah. That was the girl. That was the only girl I ever had to stop fun because I couldn't keep it up inside of her. And then it was like a water balloon. Only time that's happened. Yeah. Oh, I fucked some real animals. So real water buffaloes. No, this lady was an older lady recently divorced came to New York, came to New York, you spill something came back to my house. We were fucking doggy style. Her asshole stunk. I actually sprayed acts body spray like in her but not in it, but like it was like fucking reach over and grab it. Did you have it near being a young guy? You got a stinky butt.

Starting point is 00:48:39 We're gross. We're men. But then she goes, like, ew. But then she goes, why do I smell like glade? Why does my butthole smell like glacier sport? I said, don't worry about it. Don't sweat it. But she was like sad and old and I just wasn't into it. And then I stopped. I was like, I'm sorry. It's me. You run up in this hole. Yeah. Wow. Everybody. Wow. Herpes and warts. Oh yeah. I run on everything. My God, dude. Because I have a look of a guy who doesn't fuck. Like every woman thought I was like a sweet, innocent boy.

Starting point is 00:49:10 But the problem was I was fucking everybody. Oh, I remember a lady I met at Caroline's. How lovely he makes himself a sweet, innocent boy. You have a face of a guy that doesn't fuck. Can I tell you about a lady I met at Caroline's and she had a blind dog. We were in her hotel room and her blind dog just kept bumping into stuff.

Starting point is 00:49:26 And it was distracting. It made me lose my wood once. I fucked a girl whose dog kept yelping. And I was like, I don't like dogs. It was writing reviews for restaurants? It was good. The ambiance left a lot to be desired. But the main course was breathtaking.

Starting point is 00:49:43 I was just telling you. So he's a pretentious dude. He's been yelping. Yeah, he's zagging it. Joe, how about you fucking guess at me, you cocksucker? It was a funny little joke. What do you mean? I did. We're all laughing.

Starting point is 00:49:59 Joe, you have to understand a lot of people on Percocets will lash out because they're feeling good. Get them out on pills, all right? Just so you know. Is this becoming the narrative? I want edibles. I really am. And they're fucking great.

Starting point is 00:50:11 And now I'm bummed. Can I say what happened? Sure. It just started to go fuck itself. It really started to hit. And I know it's going to happen already. So the edibles, I had a bag of edibles. They were rings.

Starting point is 00:50:21 They were 1,000 milligrams. And I left them in my car. It was like 100 degrees. So they just melted to a big goop. So you just ate a giant goop of a thousand. Don't even open it Right and then I Unfold you get free animals all the time And that's why you're at where you're at, but then I did it and then I was like this isn't working I wish someone saw you in my mind, it wasn't gonna work.

Starting point is 00:50:47 I had so much- Ugh. That's what the lady's pussy sounded like. Oh my God. Oh my God, that was fucking disgusting. What the fuck was that? This is my face, just goes- Ugh.

Starting point is 00:51:00 What the fuck was that? That was so fucking gross. What's wrong with you, man? It was just right in my face, just goes- Yeah. That was so fucking gross. What's wrong with you man? It was just right in my face. That's the fucking grossest thing ever. I saw it fucking go up in his throat. I don't know why they were just melted.

Starting point is 00:51:14 I threw the bag out. But I had probably at least 500 milligrams. Dude there is a street dog that is flying right now. No, but they're in the garbage in my house. So when I get home now I'm going to dig them out of my garbage. Why? Because they work so well? Yeah, they're really good. I don't know why I would have just thrown it out.

Starting point is 00:51:30 I just got to cut around. I got to do something. You just go get other ones. Where did you get them? Get more from where you got them. I can't right now. Are they dead? Is the person dead?

Starting point is 00:51:39 Well, they closed all the dispensaries in the city. They shut them down. Really? Well, they're all fake. Most of them were fake. They were all bootleg dispensaries. Then one day they just arrested the people in there and put them in jail for 10 years. I mean, dude, they closed down.

Starting point is 00:51:50 There was like four in my neighborhood that are just overnight gone. Well, it was just like 500 fucking illegal dispensaries. They were just making money, hand over fist. And then one day they're like, oh yeah, we're not going to let them do that. And then there's a sniper just took him out. Shoop! You go, oh cool, can I get some of that tea? Oh my God! His brain's all over me.

Starting point is 00:52:06 Are you spitting on me? Did they close them because it's illegal? Well there's only a limited amount of licenses that have gone out to actually legally sell marijuana. Are those ones open? Yes. The legal ones are open. The legal ones are open.

Starting point is 00:52:18 Like there's one in Union Square, there's one like a couple. But they were selling weed, the other ones that got closed. They were selling weed alternatives. They weren't selling actual delta 9. Those ones that got closed? Yeah. Yeah, they were selling weed, the other ones that got closed. They were selling weed alternatives. They weren't selling actual Delta 9. The ones that got closed? Yeah. Yeah, they were selling weed. They were selling real weed?

Starting point is 00:52:30 Oh, they were selling real weed. I thought they were selling like, Delta 8 shit, nothing like that spice. Nope. No. Hmm. Real shit. They were selling weed alternatives,

Starting point is 00:52:38 like spirituality, meditation. You know, gay shit. Danny, Danny loves everything I say. Danny's a cuck. He loves that. Danny's a little bitch, too. He likes you doing that to him, which really does prove the point.

Starting point is 00:52:52 And he posted a fucking emotional, fucking Skankfest post. Who did? So gay. What did he do? Doesn't that really chap your ass? What did he do? What did he do?

Starting point is 00:53:02 He posted on Instagram. Can you pull it up? Is it still up there, Danny? Do you think you're in? It's already, it was a story, so it's gone. Yeah, but it's, but I know what it said. You saved your stories, right? Oh, yeah, I can, you're right, I can. Pull it up.

Starting point is 00:53:12 Archive. I can't pull it up on the screen, but I can read it to you. You can read it to us. Please read it verbatim. He posted a video from Skankfest. Ugh. And then, and the image of. Are you gonna remember it if he tries to lie

Starting point is 00:53:22 and cut out some gay shit? No, no, I'll remember it. Yeah, he got booked this year for skank fest. He was accepted So please did he read your message that you posted I went to it's bad Yeah, yeah, Natalie thank you give it those sweet love to him to read it I went I Went to skank fest NYC for the first time in 2017. By the way, I snuck in. 2017, I snuck in.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Alright, stop interrupting. I snuck in to Skankfest NYC for the first time in 2017 when it was- Can you bring your fucking volume down? Only a few hundred people at the Creek in the Cave. It's now bigger than ever as it's a few thousand people in Vegas. It's the most fun weekend of the year! I have applied to perform six years, and this year I finally got it.

Starting point is 00:54:12 That's it. That's it, yeah. And then the image of him performing a Scaning Face. Danny, has he done it yet? Danny, I couldn't say no this year. You work on the podcast. You should take him off. I really should kick you off of it now.

Starting point is 00:54:26 You should right now. And really make it bigger than announcing he's on. That's the best. Wow. Joe, you had a great story about a woman with no front teeth that was sucking you and all your friends. Yeah, and I had the other one about the old lady who I couldn't finish fucking

Starting point is 00:54:40 because I had to spray Axe body spray. And then didn't your roommate bang you? Louis is just texting. No, I'm not. Yeah, you were. You're so peeled out, you came off your phone and you went, no, I'm not. Edible Lewis.

Starting point is 00:54:51 It was a text from my son's mother, and sometimes you got to make sure it's not an emergency. I'm on Do Not Disturb, and I have a baby. Your baby isn't doing anything. Your baby's asleep. He has a grown boy that does stuff. He should be in bed. It's 932. 932? It's a summer. He should be in bed. It's 932.

Starting point is 00:55:05 932? It's a summer. He's home alone. What? That was amazing. That was like synergy. That's friendship for 17 years. He's with my aunt right now. They were watching. So he's not home Alone. No, but he's watching, Home Alone? No.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Home Alone 2. No. That's number 2. It's number 2. That's 17 minutes. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles number 2. No, no, no. Not Mother 2. No.

Starting point is 00:55:37 There's a New Beverly Hills Cop 4. We're talking about movies again. We're doing movies. Fuck! Yeah, we tricked you. Wait, there's a 2 in the title? In-N-Out. 2, 2. Yeah, we tricked you. Wait, there's a title in and out to to back to the future to Oh, rapes into that movie. No, there isn't Biff in the first one. He's a raper. He just trying to rape her. James said it to me.

Starting point is 00:55:55 He was like, he was like, Wow, he's just trying to rape her. Huh? How do you know what rape is? That was the and he goes, You're my dad. He goes, Dad, I don't know. You left your browser open. Joe list used to talk to that Google Gaga chick. Joe list had one of my favorite jokes where he't know, you left your browser open? Joe List used to have a- I talked to that Goo Goo Gaga chick. Joe List had one of my favorite jokes where he was like, talking about Back to the Future, he goes, how's the plan to rape your mother?

Starting point is 00:56:12 Yeah, the guy invented time travel, and his best plan to have them fall in love is be like, what if you rape your mom and then he'll punch you? That and your forced dump joke. He's like, look, I'm gonna do what I gotta do. And the plan was legitimately to rape her, And then his dad was going to come in and he was going to fake fight him. That's the best. Also at the end of back to future one, beginning of two, he comes in, he's like, hurry, get in the car. You've got to come

Starting point is 00:56:33 back with me. And you're like, why are they in a hurry? It's time travel. It literally has a time machine. Yeah. Just add the other one. Add five minutes. These are all Joe's jokes from 20 years ago. You know, I just got off the phone with my manager. I said I've got a big gig coming up I really knows me but the other thing at the end of one is he goes I gotta warn him So he doesn't get shot with a machine gun by Libyan terrorists. Yeah, and he goes ten minutes ought to do He gives himself ten minutes. You're like, why not? An hour. Eight months. Why not fucking not ruin the movie? Who gives a shit?

Starting point is 00:57:08 It's not ruining it. If it's ruined, that's on you. It's a fucking good movie. Who thinks of that? It's a great movie. It might be the best time travel movie. But it's not even close. No, there's no. What's the best time travel movie? It's not even close to not being the best, I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:57:21 Oh, it is the best. But 12 Monkeys. I don't know. Time Traveler's Wife is pretty. 12 Monkeys sucked. I love 12 Monkeys. It was too much. It's a movie podcast. 12 Monkeys is great.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Time Bandits. Time Bandits was good, with the little midgets. Same director, by the way. Hot Tub Time Machine, great. Good one. I told you that one of my favorite moments, I was in Last Comic Standing, and there was a break in the action,

Starting point is 00:57:42 and Craig Robinson goes, everyone remember to see my movie Hot Tub Time Machine? Craig Schroeder goes, what's it about? It's good. It's very funny. Rest in peace. It's good stuff. All right, P. Oh, the wrong one died. Ah, shit. What do you mean? Is that about Bobby? The wrong kid died. I don't know. It's probably Bobby's face.

Starting point is 00:58:03 What kid died? I don't know. it's just fun watching you not understand, pill that, Louis. I don't understand what- Dude, I'm just vibing, bro. Don't let this pharmacy tell you what's going on. I would take some pills right now, you got it? Yeah, you got it?

Starting point is 00:58:15 No, I don't, I'm not one of those- You holding? I'm just calling, speaking of which, your son's calling. Get the fuck away. Your son fucking loves me and respects me. You yell at my son, I heard. Really, let's get to this.

Starting point is 00:58:26 Here we go. Answer the phone, answer the phone. Viya Viya. Are you struggling to get the much needed sleep you deserve? Well luckily, it's great sleep summer with our partner Viya Hemp. No more counting sheep or tossing and turning in the summer heat.

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Starting point is 01:00:05 and they are an award-winning product made right here in the USA. So right now, all you got to do... If you're 21 and over, check out the link to VIA in our description and then use the code REGZ to get 15% off. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Get the rest you deserve with dreams from Vi. All right. Where were we? Maximus Roberto Clemente. Kelly Max, you're on a podcast. Cool. Let me ask you, right?

Starting point is 01:00:37 Does yet does Lewis yell at you? Does you Lewis yell at you when you stay over the house? The house? Not really. Damn, you lied about your kid. I thought you said he yelled at you once. I've never yelled at him. All right. Well, he lied to me.

Starting point is 01:00:54 What if this was an emergency? He goes, Dad, my hand just got cut off. I was playing with the lawn mower and my hand's gone. All right, buddy. I love you. I'll talk to you later. I'll call you when I'm done, all right? Max Kelly, Dan Soder, a long time, first time. Do you wish Dan Cook was your real dad?

Starting point is 01:01:13 No. I've never yelled at him. I mean, I'm firm. When they're being assholes, I'll be like, you know, I'll be... He joined a golf. That's hilarious. He joined a golf today.

Starting point is 01:01:24 Oh, that's fun. He's in golf camp. Yeah, no, like if they're being assholes, I'll be firm, but I don't yell at them. I don't yell at anybody. He loves you. You don't yell at anybody? Children.

Starting point is 01:01:32 I should have made you his child. You don't yell at anybody. I didn't yell at that girl. You're like Scarface. She think you don't yell at me daddy? I was like, I won't yell at you little girl. You go, now if you're an adult, I'll fucking give you the business.

Starting point is 01:01:44 No, yeah, I don't yell that's not my style I'm just you know, you all you do is yell. That's how you communicate with the goals not on pills It's cool as a cucumber. Yeah, you're right, dude Zoo Zoo Lewis is great Will you do me a favor what and eat 700 grams of edibles every time I see you? Yeah, dude, I'm gonna tell you right now My show prep is to melt a bunch of edibles together in a bag and then give you your bag or your feed bag of edibles I'm pumped. Can we do plugs? Yeah. I just did. Plugs. Is that why you made us look at your website?

Starting point is 01:02:06 Why? When we're finding out dates about the Yankees. No, because Joe keeps on coming back with different dates. What's up? Are we doing that? Yeah. Go ahead, Louis. I'm going to go to the end of the show.

Starting point is 01:02:17 I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. I'm going to go to the end of the show. No, because Joe keeps on coming back with different dates. What's up?

Starting point is 01:02:25 Are we doing that? Yeah. Go ahead, Louis. So yeah, I got some live dates coming up. When does this come out? It's coming out in a week. So yeah, go down, guys. Okay, I think you'll be able to see me in Pittsburgh.

Starting point is 01:02:44 Pittsburgh, and then I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio New Orleans Lafayette, Louisiana San Jose, California is being rescheduled. That's great Levittown Tacoma spoken and more Atlanta's up on the website a bunch of different webs a bunch of different cities Come check me out on the road. It's a brand new hour. It's hilarious called the mediocre tour. It's all fucked up jokes I think you guys are really like it. It's fucking good. Yeah, baby! I'm sorry. Check out my other podcast.

Starting point is 01:03:08 I got two podcasts, Legion of Skanks, the real ass podcast, both available on GadSigital and we're launching a new show on GadSigital. Yeah, talk about that, baby. Me and Big J. Oakerson, it's called Story Wars. It is basically a podcast slash game show. We tell stories. It's competitive. We're deceptive.

Starting point is 01:03:24 It's really fun and stupid. If you're a fan of Legion of Skanks, we invented the game on the show and we liked it so much. We thought it should be its own show. So we're starting that every Wednesday night at the stand starting July 17th and it'll be airing on gas digital on Monday nights. Boom. Hi, I'm Dan Soder from the podcast Soder. You can and also from the new special on the road on YouTube, which you should go watch.

Starting point is 01:03:45 I will be in Indianapolis July 18th through the 20th. Then I'm gonna be coming to Addison, Texas at the Addison Improv, July 25th through the 27th, and then San Jose Improv, August 9th and August 10th. Four shows in San Jose. And then August 22nd through the 24th, I will be in Buffalo at Helium, dansoder.com. Go watch my specials. God damn, you look good right now. That's why I do like to compliment him.

Starting point is 01:04:10 So does it come on the 17th or the 24th? 24th? Oh, dude. Thanks, Indy. Addison, Texas. I'll see you this week. Oh, yeah. Fuck.

Starting point is 01:04:24 Well, all those dates, they're all over the place. I'm going to be in the show. I'm going. Thanks, Indy. Addison, Texas. I'll see you this one. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Well, all those dates, they happened and it was half full probably. Hey, stop it. Um, half just like that pill bottle you have on you. It's a positive. There's that half empty. Right. Let's see more Hoffman. Uh, July 25th tomorrow. One night only. It's probably sold out but maybe not Seattle the crocodile. And then I'm at the Milwaukee Improv August 2nd and 3rd and then McGoobee's joke house August 8th 9th. Whoo. And I'm learning splitters on August 22nd 23rd 24th my favorite club in the fucking world. Come outside splitters

Starting point is 01:05:04 and watch my special. I'm approaching a million views. I haven club in the fucking world. They are the best. Come out to SideSplitters and watch my special. I'm approaching a million views. I haven't been able to get to a million. I said I made a bad, bad boo boo word, but I'm almost at a million. Enough for everybody. Go watch it, please, and thank you. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:18 Go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. I'm gonna be in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. When does this come out, the 27th? 24th. 24th. 24th. So don't go there. The 26th, South Burlington, Vermont. I'm doing one show, one show only. And then, of course, I'm going to Skankfest in September.

Starting point is 01:05:35 A bunch of other dates on there. Co-hosts New York, San Diego. Friday and Sunday passes you can get for Skankfest. All right. You're in the middle of my fucking plugs. You mentioned Skankfest. Oh, you're right. It was relevant. You know what? Dan, hit the bell. I'm not gonna get it for Skankfest, though. All right. You're in the middle of my fucking plugs. You mentioned Skankfest. Oh, you're right. It was relevant. You know what?

Starting point is 01:05:47 Dan, hit the bell. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you. Are you on pills now? Why is everyone peeled out right now? Because we took what you brought in. You left them in the bathroom.

Starting point is 01:05:55 Minneapolis. I know I'm the point guard of podcasting. Back at ACME Comedy Club the 17th, 18th, which is one of the best clubs in the country, and I'm excited to be back there. Go to my thing and check me out on Bone to Pick Podcast and of course on the Bonfire on SiriusXM. That's our show. Thank you, guys. You guys have been awesome. Great night.

Starting point is 01:06:17 Can I just say this? It was the best night of my life. Dan is trying to be the timekeeper. Everyone, first of all, we don't have to have jobs, Dan. All right, timekeeper is a fucking, first of all it's a cool job, it's a cool title. What the fuck is going on? You fucking doing a 180 on that in mid-sentence was phenomenal. I think it's fucking gay, but I mean timekeeper does sound like a great Marvel character. It does sound pretty awesome. It sounds like you can like fucking travel through time.

Starting point is 01:06:45 You can fucking... But Dan set a timer as we started the show, so we cut it at an hour and a half. But I think we just flow like just... And by the way, Lewis was making... We take a minute. As the microphones came on... Lewis, hold on. As the microphones were coming on, Lewis was making my point for me.

Starting point is 01:07:02 Where I go, that's what you gotta do. 90 minutes, they know how long it's gonna be. Nobody wants a three hour podcast. But this is how people make stuff. I go, you think Ritz, hold on. You think Ritz doesn't fucking count how many fucking crackers they put in a sleeve? And then Lewis got it, and he understood why I was doing it.

Starting point is 01:07:17 Because I do speak cracker. You do speak, you are fluent in cracker. I tell you, your pill's cheap. I love sedated Lewis. This really is like, is this how they taught Coco sign language? I went on a fucking really high journey today and I watched like a 30 minute documentary. Movie? And read, no, was it a movie? A 30 minute YouTube documentary and then I read like fucking four different like fucking

Starting point is 01:07:41 web things on the Sentinel tribe, do you know what this is? Seminole. Seminole. Florida State. Yeah. Where? Sentinel is a different thing, but Seminole, we gotcha.

Starting point is 01:07:54 Go ahead. Not Seminole, no. Seminole is a tribe. Nope, that's not what I'm talking about. It's not the Sentinels. Sentinel is like a Roman thing, isn't it? Sentinels are who fought the X-Men in the most upcoming, in the recent season of X-Men 97. But...

Starting point is 01:08:07 Wow. Nerd alert. No, I think it might be the Sentinel. It's a tribe that are... Is it a newspaper? The Sentinel? It's off of India, it's a little island, and it's like, nobody ever has ever been on this island.

Starting point is 01:08:21 And it's like these indigenous people, yeah, dude. And they don't fuckin', like, so... Didn't they kill a guy yeah dude some dude some oh recently yeah dude some dude I heard about like I think was like 2020 was like you see this hurt like dude I'm gonna like fucking go and like film some videos and like show everyone what dude he's gonna get content they shot him with arrows to death yeah and then like they tried to retrieve this guy's body and then they fucking started shooting arrows at the helicopters, and they're like, yo, fuck this. So this guy's just, his body left this guy's body.

Starting point is 01:08:47 You should do a show there. So the guy's body's just on the island? Woo! You're hurtful, Joe. They probably ate him. Why didn't Danny laugh at that? Danny! Did you go to get me more chamomile tea, please?

Starting point is 01:09:01 Grape bit. Thank you. Oh, I thought that was a drop. I'm so hungry, dude. I'm thinking, what can slice a pizza? I can't. I'm getting Chinese food. Joseph Thurman Thomas. I can't. I forgot my helmet. Do a shawarma.

Starting point is 01:09:14 Do a shawarma sandwich. Do the salad. Shawarma is on top of the salad. Let's get pizza. Run down, get us some pizza and some chamomile tea. We'll have a good time. Do the same, do the salad. Shawarma's on top of the salad. No, let's get pizza. No.

Starting point is 01:09:27 Run down, get us some pizza and some chamomile teas. We'll have a good time. I'll buy a pizza. No, I don't want pizza. I'm having Chinese food with my wife. Is that your wife, dude? You're not married yet. You're such a wife.

Starting point is 01:09:37 You got married? They got married. Didn't you get married? Dan got married. I'm hurt. Dan got married. You got married? Dan didn't invite us.

Starting point is 01:09:44 She's my fiance. When are you getting married? I don't know, we haven't planned it yet. Who's your best man? I don't think I She's my fiance. When do you get married? I don't know. We haven't planned it yet. Who's your best man? I don't think I'm gonna have one. If I have a best man, it will probably be Vecchione. Dan, did you get married? No. Are you gonna have a big wedding? Are we all invited? We don't know yet. We got to buy a, we got to pay a wedding planner because we don't want to do it. And it's big. Can I be the wedding planner? Dude, please. He goes, all. And it's big. Can I be the wedding planner? Dude, please. He goes, all right, here's the deal.

Starting point is 01:10:07 You guys are going to come in on sleds. We're going to have fucking packs of wool. Everyone's got melted edibles. Katie's dressed like a baby. Yeah, she's going to be the baby. You're going to be the daddy businessman. And we're going to do it at Sunday at Skyhawk Fest. Oh, another soda wedding at Skyhawk Fest.

Starting point is 01:10:24 We're getting a planner, but it's probably gonna be next year. Next year? And are we all invited? Yeah, of course. All right. Planner fasciitis. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, you got to win her over, though.

Starting point is 01:10:35 Why? You've been mean to her the two times you hung out with her. I've never been mean to her. Whoa. You've been mean to Katie? You've been passive. You haven't engaged. That's insane.

Starting point is 01:10:44 I've been mean to Katie. I've been mean to your girl't engaged. That's insane. I've been mean to Katie. I've been mean to your girl. Mean. No, you have been mean. You fucking psycho. You're my girl. I don't know. I've met her maybe.

Starting point is 01:10:52 First of all, I did warm up on a show that she worked on that I got fired from years ago. And she got you fired. What was the show? No, she was on a show called Crowd Goes Wild on Fox Sports. And they had you warm up? And the crowd went mild for me. Regis Feldman canned Lewis. Dude, it was on a show called Crowd Goes Wild on Fox. And they had you warm up. And the crowd went mild for me. Regis Feldman canned Lewis.

Starting point is 01:11:08 Dude, it was fucking brutal. What did you do for a warm up? I just did shitty warm up. Because I'm dirty, so I'm trying to do clean jokes. In front of Regis Feldman. Do you remember any of the jokes you did? He goes, this is crazy. Who is this guy?

Starting point is 01:11:19 You did a warm up with Nate, too. Yeah, on his first special. At the Grammar Stake. Full time magic. Or yeah, full time magic. Yeah, sure. first special. At the Gramercy. Full-time magic. Or, yeah, full-time magic. Yeah, sure. You do clean jokes? For Nate? No.

Starting point is 01:11:28 No, for the warm-up. I have a picture on my phone of you doing a warm-up at Nate's special. Send it to me. I have a great picture. I know right now, later. I also have a great picture of Joe List in a young baby. Don't look for a photo. I took a dab before I came here.

Starting point is 01:11:40 What's a dab? You don't know what a dab is? I don't. I haven't had that drug since fucking 37. I don't know what a dab is. I don't know what a dab is. I don't know what a dab is. I don't know what a dab is. I don't know what a young baby. Don't look for a photo. I took a dab before I came here. What's a dab? You don't know what a dab is? I don't.

Starting point is 01:11:48 I haven't had that drug since fucking 37 years. Dab jokes. They didn't have dabs when I fucking did it. It's like hash. You know what hash is? Yeah, I remember hash. Yeah, hash for breakfast. It's scrambled eggs.

Starting point is 01:12:00 Hash, hash, a go-go, dude. That was the worst Bobby Kelly impression I've ever done in my entire life. That was pretty bad. Try it again. Try it one more time. You're not holding my phone. Why can't I hold your phone, Dan?

Starting point is 01:12:16 You know exactly why. I'll text you this right now. I'm texting you to the group. So you guys can suck peg. Focus! Everyone stinks. Nobody stinks. So you take a dag. Talk on the microphone, you pothead.

Starting point is 01:12:28 It's constant. Put your headphones on, you'd hear it. I don't need to, I'm good. It's concentrated weed. And you put it in a bomb. Why don't you just look at your headphones. You take a torch and you blow torch the bomb to like, call it red hot.

Starting point is 01:12:42 That's good, that's good, keep doing that. That was me not Dan. red hot. That's good, that's good. Keep doing that. That was me, not Dan. Red hot. Yeah. Ow! You fucking put the concentrated weed in it, then you smoke it, and it's very, very, very high. Oh, man.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Dude, that's really. You have a pipe in your car that you did this, or you did this before you left? No, I did this at home. You just did a dab, and then you came into the city? Can I finish what I'm saying? Can I finish? I still haven't finished my story

Starting point is 01:13:04 you asked me to tell fucking two hours ago. You got a toothless fat whore. We don't care. I care, Joe. Thank you. It started crackling like bacon. Crackle crackle. I'm still not talking to the mic.

Starting point is 01:13:14 It started crackling like bacon. That's it. And it popped up into my eye. Wait, hash crackled like bacon? No. Wow, you must have been scrambled. I had to hold on to that one. I was a spit coffee all over the room.

Starting point is 01:13:30 I love Joe. I love Joe. Such a silly man. Another round of Camomile for me and my friends. Nobody's getting you a Camomile. Plus, we only got 23 minutes left in the episode. Stop. Stop timekeeper.

Starting point is 01:13:44 I am the timekeeper. TK. Oh. What would be your role on the show? Funny, this fucking punchline mayor. The mayor of punchlines? Yeah, just the guy. Truth bomb.

Starting point is 01:14:00 So tell us about this fucking pig with no teeth. I already did, I just wanted to make Lewis feel bad. Wait, what story are you telling? Dab a little dab will do it. It popped up my eye. Do my eye hurts. But the woman that blew everybody was missing her two front teeth. She came back. It was four of us living in the house. Three of us were up partying. It was terrifying. Well, it's just a car outside. You're in New York. You're fucking scared and sissy fucking beaten cat. Yeah. What do you, what do you, my dog? What's wrong with you? Fucking weird. Go off. He starts hiding under the bed. We got to put a thunder vest fucking scared and sissy. You fucking beating cat? Yeah, what are you, my dog? What are you, my dog? Yeah, what's wrong with you, you fucking weirdo?

Starting point is 01:14:25 My dogs go off and he starts hiding under the bed. Are we gonna put a thunder vest on Joe? A thunder vest. Ah. Joe goes, it's great, it's like I'm getting hugged all the time. I'm not as afraid. Ah.

Starting point is 01:14:37 Ah, Joe. You guys moved to suburbs because you were too scared to live in the city. I live in the thick of it. Yeah, Doug. Six and a half. I too scared to live in the city. I live in the thick of it. Yeah, Doug. Six and a half. Yeah, we were scared to live in the city. We wanted to have a nice house and a home.

Starting point is 01:14:51 Joe walked into my house and he was like, his mouth was, I mean, it was very tiny. It was hard to see. It opened like a dollhouse door that you bought that fucking big-eyed slut. His mouth was a gate as much as it could possibly be agape. Shock Joe is this. Joe really has a little baby bird mouth. Yeah. You got trash as we're living in the suburbs. The suburbs rule.

Starting point is 01:15:21 Yeah, dude. We have a backyard. We get to go with our kids. Cars, backyard, pool. Towards Central Park. Oh, it's a Yeah, dude, we have a backyard, we get to go with our kids. Cars, backyard, pool. Two words, central park. Oh, it's a park, dude, it's ridiculous. This sucks. Yeah, I'm a city guy and I'm thinking,

Starting point is 01:15:31 what the fuck are you talking about? How about this backyard park that I own? Well, see, you don't even live near Central Park. You have to get on a train to go to a park. That's psychotic. Yeah, that's right. You gotta take a baby on the train. I've never gone to a park in Jersey in my life.

Starting point is 01:15:43 Why would I? I have a backyard. You don't have a yard, you have a pool. I don't need a yard. I have a pool Literally doesn't have a backyard god damn dude Lewis in his pill judo taking your force and flipping him over your his hip. All right, tell us about this pig She wasn't a pig. She was a woman. Well, she wasn't a no She wasn't a she wasn't a lady was missing a few teeth in the front or the back. Did she talk silly when she blew you or she like damn You're a stick. Where did you go in the lineup? Is your dick so small that? Women talk while blowing you

Starting point is 01:16:21 Make a real shift there. Yeah Dan did shift. Dan didn't make a real shift there. Yeah. What? You have a tiny dick, Dan? I have a little bitty dick. Dan's got a big old fat cock. You've watched it.

Starting point is 01:16:30 You've watched it push this out. I've watched it pee. I was like, oh dude, let me just hold it for you, pee. Oh my God. I was like a fire hose. Oh my God. If I shut my eyes, it's like, it's my dick, pee. Hello, Louis, just acted out a fire.

Starting point is 01:16:46 So she comes back in the three part. Loo my roommate in the car on the car ride. I was driving. Big Al or Tom? Don't say names. You're driving. You're driving. He get out.

Starting point is 01:16:58 It's fine. He do a little fucking. Okay. So I'm driving the car. I'm a little tipsy, frankly. She's in the middle. And I look, someone, I don't, I forget how. I mean, this is'm driving the car. I'm a little tipsy frankly. She's in the middle and I look someone I forget how I mean This is a little hazy. This is 20 years ago and I'm drinking but the person to the passenger seat was like doing the elbow like Yo, oh look back here and I'm like doing like that

Starting point is 01:17:17 Look back and she's just going down like sucking his dick in the car nice like a real whore we get out of the car I go upstairs eating the get out of the car, I go upstairs. Eating the fries out of the bag. Can't even wait to get home. Can't even wait to get into the door. Fucking dead. Fucking soda. So we go upstairs, me and whoever is in the passenger seat, I think, there was three of us and her.

Starting point is 01:17:57 No, so the guy that just got blown comes upstairs with me and he's like, that is crazy, that girl is crazy. And she had been heckling the show also. Oh cool, dude. This is what happens when you heckle. You suck all of our dicks. So then we went upstairs and I was like, she just blew you in the car. He's like, she literally just blew me in the car. That was crazy. They stay behind. He nutted. What's that?

Starting point is 01:18:18 He nutted. Can I tell you right now? I don't know that he nutted. Excellent question. Yeah. I don't know. He definitely nutted This is a hard nut to get off a great nut to toothless heckler in the back of the car while Joe's fucking

Starting point is 01:18:39 I can't say for sure if he nutted then or later. This is very hazy. So then we go upstairs She stays behind the car, blows the other. Outside the car. No, in the car. In the car. So she just. I would assume. So the car's her office.

Starting point is 01:18:54 And this is the Everett House of Comedy. Yes. So did they park up in the driveway? Yes. Everett House of Comedy in Everett, Mass? Yeah, right by Big Mike's. They had a fucking House of, they had a comic? No, this is our home. They called it that because four comics lived there. It was all comic. Oh, okay, gotcha. We recorded an album, but it Big Mike's. They had a fucking house of com... They had a comic club? This is our home.

Starting point is 01:19:05 They called it that because four comics lived there. It's all comics. Oh, okay, gotcha. We recorded an album, but it was so bad. But you're from Everett. I'm not from Everett. I moved to Everett. I'm from Whitman.

Starting point is 01:19:13 He's from Whitman. But he lived in Everett. Yeah, that's how... So we go upstairs. I'm his friend, too. But I know the actual stats. Yeah, no, you're a better friend. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:23 She comes up, and then at this point... at some point, she blew both guys to completion. I don't... In the car. That is wild. ...hour after, but it got blown. So then she came to me, and I was in the computer room, which is where we smoked and hung out, and so I was in the... She blew up me and...

Starting point is 01:19:39 She came in. What's up, boy? And with me, she didn't even, like, ask. You could tell she was on a mission she got down I was like a swively computer chair now this time I'm now I'm drunk now I'm high and I'm on Paxil so I had a hard time coming in those days and I'm like freaked out because it's a toothless woman and I'm not and she hold on she just comes in the house bing bang boom right to the office to blow you I

Starting point is 01:20:02 think there was probably some chitter chatter whatever but. But she comes in and it's all business. It's business. She's doing these DMV blow jobs. She's like next up. I think she completed something. She's like an assassin going through the house and just fucking taking out one guy at a time. She's John Wick and everything. My memory is I think-

Starting point is 01:20:17 They ran over her dog, that's the beginning of the story. She's like now I gotta suck all these guys to completion. I think she completed somebody while I was in the computer cuz I had kind of moved on like I was like that was crazy This woman's here. They're getting blown. They're hooking up and I don't think oh, she's gonna fuck all of us So I went in the computer and I was like doing whatever the fuck I'm on like Facebook or whatever smoking weed drinking. She comes in and she's like I want to suck you off Starts blowing me and I just couldn't. It was, it was nice, but I couldn't come. I was like, this is too crazy. And I was like,

Starting point is 01:20:50 thank you. I have a problem. I'm on mental fucking health. Is that what you told her? You go, listen, I'm on Pax. I'm fucked. I was like, I'm fucked up. But she blew me for a while. I don't know. Seven minutes. Did she do any like frustrating, like stop going, Jesus Christ, you're the hardest one so far. Are you going to come? I can't remember it. No, she was fucking a whackadoo she starts heckling them but so the best part of the story is well you can't come right in that office chair you your two friends came in the car so the best here comes the jokes here comes the fun stuff that I do remember because it was so insane so

Starting point is 01:21:20 funny so in the middle of this we have a roommate who will remain nameless. He's upstairs asleep. He's just sound asleep upstairs. So at one point I go up and I'm like, we got to go wake him up. So me and my other buddy, we go upstairs and we wake him up. It's like three in the morning. And I'm like, you got to get up. There's a woman downstairs. She's blowing the whole house. Damn. You had to give him the car commercial. We're blowing everybody. That's a big fucking... You get up for the job. You were just in deep REM cycle. Well now you're gonna get sucked.

Starting point is 01:21:50 So he's like, fuck you, and we're like, I'm serious. And he's like, I hate when you guys fuck with me. You guys are assholes. And then I got serious. I was like, you fucking piece of shit. I'm like, we are not fucking with you. I don't even like that kind of humor. I'm not a fuck with guys kind of guy.

Starting point is 01:22:03 Get your fucking ass down there and get blown. Because I was like, the story is no good if three of the four of us get blown. You all got to get blown. Yeah. She got hit for the cycle. Get the fuck down there. And so he wakes up. So you raped your friend. So he goes, okay, okay. I swear. I'm like, I promise you, you're going to get blown. So he goes downstairs and then I'm like back in the computer room, we're hanging out and you just hear, this is what you hear. Well, normally I feature, but he's like talking comedy and we're like, dude,

Starting point is 01:22:30 this isn't that kind of lady. Like you don't have to fuck. That's so funny. He's buttering her up. So then the other thing is, so then he, he, that's all you hear is you go, that's an interesting point. I never thought about it like that. So he like penis them out with her for like, I don't know, too. Meanwhile. Meanwhile we're like being fun of him. He's like the best human out of us. Obviously he's like cares someone. He's also sober two hours and just like woke. No no. Yeah I think he had probably passed out drunk. We were all drunk every night. So then he brings her up to his room and now he reported this back to us. He's up in her. This we didn't witness this is what he told us. He's up there with her and he's talking to her and she goes listen I know what you

Starting point is 01:23:09 want but I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in hours. I bet you are. So yeah let me get you something to feed on. So now this is for alcoholic fucking lunatics in their 20s. He goes all right let me see what I got. He has to go to a feeder. So he goes downstairs. All we have is like ice cream bars. So he gives her an ice cream bar. And then we go after the things over the next morning we talked to, cause we've gone to bed at this point and we go, uh, how was the blowjob? And he went, uh, it was very cold. He got a cold ice cream bar blow job. Cause it was the only food we had. Well, I guess I never thought I'd suck off four guys at once. But anyway, good. That's not bad. It's a good

Starting point is 01:23:51 blowjob. Yeah. Cold blowjob. I never could. I could never come in those days. I would just be like, all right, tap out. I feel better. You were drunk. I was drunk, but also I think the packs of medication. Yeah. Because once I got off Paxil, I think the Paxil more is the moves. Because once I get off Paxil, I continue to be drunk before I can come. Yeah. You just bust. Anyways. Shooting loads. There's the story.

Starting point is 01:24:11 This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. I love BetterHelp. Stop scrolling through strangers' Instagram and comparing your life to them. They probably don't have it all together. Oh, is that what I'm doing when I scroll through strangers' Instagrams? Exactly what you're doing.

Starting point is 01:24:23 Therapy can help you focus on what you want out of life instead of what everybody else is doing. I love therapy. I will do it my entire life. It helps me with stuff. I had a major breakthrough last week and realized my parents being unfair to me made me hold onto that too much.

Starting point is 01:24:40 And I'm working on it and I feel great. Dan, we're trying to make people want to sign up for it, so stop making it so fruity. Look, I use BetterHelp. They're great. They genuinely are. They make it easy. Instead of having to go and spend an hour in traffic to go to your therapist, you do it right online. You do it from your room. You do it from your car. You do it from your garage. You do it any... If your family's home, you can just go out into the car. That's what I do when my son's home. I fucking cry in my car like a lunatic.

Starting point is 01:25:03 Yeah, he's just honking. That's his dad do with my son's home. Yeah, I can cry in my car like a lunatic He's just the honk honking and he got that's his dad working through stuff But it really is great dude And if you're trying to find a therapist it's a great way to find one because going in and meeting a therapist in person is super Intimidating this way if you don't like your first therapist you could try a new one out See what the right match is see if it's the right person There's hundreds or thousands if not not therapists, in your state. It really is a great way to do it. Stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp.

Starting point is 01:25:30 Visit BetterHelp.com slash regs today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash R-E-G-Z. Do it. Let's get back to the show. There you go. go guys 12 more minutes 12 12 more in 12 seconds We're having fucking fun and we were like we had a fucking making a thing looking at the clock trying to fuck go home

Starting point is 01:26:00 Somebody Rogan fucking you stop bringing them up? Yeah, are you obsessed with them? We're us. I wanna be on that show. You've done the show. We've all done the show. You wanna go and protect our parks. No, I don't wanna protect our parks. Yeah, you do.

Starting point is 01:26:14 You wanna be part of that crew. You're making us do this so you can, this is your audition tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You show Joe, you go, look at the dynamics. Four guys. Ari's dangerous. You don't need him in your life.

Starting point is 01:26:24 Get him out of there Norman What's he gonna do wordplay? Get me in there? What'd you do how'd you do it I don't know I actually don't know When did it happen? What was the last I woke up this morning and my back was fucking pinched your backyard If you go float in your pools that gonna that going to make you feel better? Maybe. Probably not. Just pinched, huh? Go to a doctor.

Starting point is 01:26:48 Put some CBD oil in it. You probably just heard me talking about things in the past. No, I had a pinched nerve last week in my back, or I pinched something and I put the CBD oil. And it worked. And it worked. It fucking worked. You got high through your back?

Starting point is 01:27:01 No. You're using it again, huh? Probably started playing fucking Jimi Hendrix. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. Every day about the time I was 12 and I was rolling with the Hells Angels. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:27:11 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I was fucking dangerous, kid. Choo, doo, doo, choo, doo, doo. Choo, doo, doo, choo, doo, doo. Choo, doo, doo, choo, doo, doo. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:27:23 Ha ha ha. CBD on his knee. Ha ha ha. He's scared. Ha ha ha. I seen them all. I Seen them all Morrison CBD does work. I said you have any oil on you. Yeah carry it on me. I have in the house I'm not gonna westchester for CBD oil. No, then you're not gonna get it, I don't have it. I don't even know, where would you get CBD oil? I don't know, I don't do that dork shit. You get it at the high place, the drug place has it.

Starting point is 01:27:53 You a cop? No. You talk like that. The place that sells drugs. High place, the place you would go right now if you said, now were you to say you wanna buy it from? The place they sell weed, they sell the CBD all that too. Yeah. Yeah, they do No, I know. I know you probably find it somewhere

Starting point is 01:28:08 Yeah, and this yeah, you're just looking for another percocet another perch one more pill. Give me through another hour Oh great Now we got itchy Lewis at one hour and 20 minutes in does make you itch not percocet It's a person makes you look at a person was never hard enough for me. I needed all right it's a person makes you lose it. I picked a person was never hard enough for me. I needed to pay. All right. Pretty sure it was like the hardest until OxyContin. You're fucking mind you like these Oxy's were. I said until Oxy hardcore parkour. Yeah. Did you see there? They got fucked. That sacra fan was going to pay out of money. We were. There was a, we had a problem with with OxyContin. Yeah. A lot of people. America did at gas digital.

Starting point is 01:28:42 Like the studios, the whole studio had a problem We had a connect that was just selling it that everyone for I would say a six-month period Everyone was that's why your websites there cuz you walk in Fucking nodded out at their computer dude. I mean, I don't want to say everyone but like everyone we would just So funny, you know, why isn't the website working? Looks like Skid Row in a fucking podcast. This is years ago. We all kicked the habit, guys. All of us collectively.

Starting point is 01:29:11 That's what those trips to Jamaica were. They're all rehab trips. We still have the... Ralph goes, we gotta get everyone clean. Hey, Lewis, they're taking a lot of copper wire out of the studio. I got a catalytic converter cut out of my car because of the OxyContin dealer. We had an OxyContin dealer that would show up and we would just take them. We would fucking...

Starting point is 01:29:39 We had a razor blade and then I would cut them up into little quarters and fucking take a quarter at a time, just all throughout the day take a quarter of an Oxycontin. And then by the time like eight o'clock would hit, I was just fucking. Dude, those podcasts in the afternoon were probably live. It was fucking. What year was this?

Starting point is 01:29:57 Yeah, go back in the catalog if you have a subscription. I mean, there was a time where we were doing Coke, or I was doing Coke all the time. Yeah. There was a time where I was doing Oxycontin. cocoa all the time. Yeah, it was a time where I was doing oxygens. The oxygens period was like a six month era. It was a very short lived era. That's a lot of recorded podcasts.

Starting point is 01:30:13 It was a very short lived era. But yeah, we would regularly be on. Did you have to break up with the dealer? Did you have to be like, hey, stop coming around here? You're destroying our network. I'll text all of you guys who it is. It's a comic. Oh, I know who it is. A comic?

Starting point is 01:30:26 Stavros? I know who it is. Text me. I don't know. Text the group. I know exactly who it is. Let's just say there was crossover problems. I'm out of the loop here.

Starting point is 01:30:34 I don't know anybody, anything. Oh, don't get it. Wang, wang, wang, do. No shit. Wang, wang, yeah, you know, fucking wang. Wow. Don't make any, let's just move on. Wow.

Starting point is 01:30:42 I can give some credits that'll blow this spot up. I know, dude. I know. I know. I know. of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them.

Starting point is 01:30:56 I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy a lot of them. I would buy five of them and I would cut that the slow the five into a quarter I would have one per day and I would actually I got to the point where I would take half to get me going And then I would think the other two that's how addictions work. Especially this this one works pretty quick I don't know if you know this they called it the most addictive thing possibly ever made by something

Starting point is 01:31:19 yeah, and then this is like five years ago, maybe and Then I five years ago Not today five years ago maybe, and then I... Five years ago? Not today. Five years ago, five hours ago. You don't know that slow release. That's when Skankfest was invented. He goes, oh I don't know, what idea for Skankfest? Everyone in the studio goes,

Starting point is 01:31:37 what's a great idea, Lewis? I like you man, you're crazy. You're fucking crazy, Lewis. Who's gonna go to a place like Skankfest? I'm telling you right now, we would fucking, I would, then, yeah, you would, and I would take it for like five days straight. Dude. It was, here's what would happen. It would be five days straight, and then I would go, yo, that's becoming a problem. Then, I wouldn't take it for a week, but then that fucking, that itch would come back.

Starting point is 01:32:22 Yeah. And then all of a sudden I'd get another five. And then it was like, cause you couldn't, you couldn't take it more than, you get so constipated. Yeah, opiates really cause a problem. No, no, like literally, I couldn't shit. It was like, I would, it was like a brick

Starting point is 01:32:36 was trying to come out of my ass. So I had to stop just for the shit reasons. How good were those shits when you quit? I mean, no dude, it would slowly come back, dude. Too little shit to quit. They were brutal. Too little shit-la-shit to quit. They were brutal. Too-la-shit, too-la-shit to quit. Hey, hey.

Starting point is 01:32:50 I would have done the dance by my back hurts. Oh yeah, you can usually move like MC Hammer. Those are the pills. So you go, I can dance like Hammer. I could. So what ended the era? Was the guy that was dealing it like, hey, I don't have anymore?

Starting point is 01:33:04 Or were you just like, you're destroying all of our shows That's when I it was never it was never my poison sounds like it was Just described how it was By six day, I'm like that's a real problem. It's kind of destroyed my life. Yeah, I'll stop so I can poop You couldn't shit. You were shitting out coffee cups. You were still doing it. No, it wasn't a problem.

Starting point is 01:33:31 Oh, all said and done, pretty good stuff. Yeah, six months. Well, it was just a phase. Is it expensive? I'd listen. You're talking to a guy that- I wonder if it was $20 per pill. Wow, that's funny.

Starting point is 01:33:41 $20 per oxygon. I'm so glad I am. And they were like maroon. They were like pretty big. You would, they were really hard. You you had to come with a razor blade that you couldn't just like break Them is it the razor blade used you coke with? What a little fun mix I was in a razor blade with the coke guy. It was a credit card with the coke guy There's couple of skanks. I do with you were you were yacked out of your mind. Yeah, I was like max out credit card with Yeah, you're just like was like, Max out credit card with. That's fun.

Starting point is 01:34:05 Yeah, you were just like. Using an ATM card with no money. A debit card with no money on it. I'll take opiate Lewis over Coke Lewis. 10 out of 10 times. Yeah. I've had my. Back on opiates. I've had my struggles.

Starting point is 01:34:15 No, I don't do any drugs. I literally won't do drugs. You're on drugs right now. What are you talking about? I'm on a weed, you cunt. You said it was. What are you gonna be a fucking cunt for? I just said you're on drugs.

Starting point is 01:34:22 You just gotta go through a fucking like a. Well isn't dabbing like weed. It's weed. It's a heavy. Isn't it? I smoke weed. I drank and I'm going to stop drinking very soon completely. Nice. Why is that? Um, because I don't love it like it's not my poison. I keep saying that.

Starting point is 01:34:42 Yeah, I keep saying that. Who told you that phrase that you're shoving it down our throats? What fucking Rogan podcast did you listen to? Dude, if I listen to Protect Our Parks and it's on there, I'm gonna fucking destroy this table the next time I'm there. What's your poison? Weed is my poison. Yeah, dude, Lewis smokes weed.

Starting point is 01:34:58 As a lifetime weed smoker, let me tell you right now, Lewis smokes weed in a different way. I like smoking weed. Smoking weed with Lewis gives me anxiety. He'll pack a bowl. I'll pack a bowl and I'll go like this. Oh, that's good. There you go. Lewis goes. And it's all gone.

Starting point is 01:35:09 He's like, doggy, I need to get out of that. And it's just like a huge cloud. You smoked like an eighth a day for a while. So is poison, that's insane. Poison good or bad when you say poison? Bad. I love this. Look at us inventing stuff.

Starting point is 01:35:23 Yeah, that's nice. My poison is bad. It's my poison. Would you say that poison Inventing stuff Would you say would you say your poison is more pussy or weed Pussy's my poison for sure Lose a bar How much is weed a week how much you spend on weed a week I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:35:47 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:35:55 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:36:03 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. at an hour and 28 minute mark to hit a joke like that. Don't be a fucker. All right, 90 seconds, wrap it up. We're not, we're not, we're not. I'm gonna keep going. I'm giving you the light. You guys can go, how about that? I'll just do a show. How much, how much, how much you spend?

Starting point is 01:36:13 We're gonna do the regs wrap up. Well, that's fun. I don't get, I'll do the regs wrap up with the boys. I don't give a shit. We gotta do daytime. How much, will you tell me how much it is? We're having a fun time. I like a great time, but I'm nosy.

Starting point is 01:36:24 In LA, I just got dabs for $20 a gram. And I'll probably smoke about that per day. So it's about 20. So there's dabs and grams? Are there gram dads? What about a gram dab? I love it. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:36:37 I loved that. I loved that. That was great. Your guys' love of bending language into jokes. So it's only 20 bucks a day. But no, in Jersey, it's like 40 or 50 for a home. Damn. But you don't live in the city like real men.

Starting point is 01:36:52 Yeah. Probably get your dabs for 10 bucks. Yeah. So I was saying other shit. That was the gayest I've ever felt given a hand. I was saying other shit. Go over the tape. It was the best.

Starting point is 01:37:01 You got me distracted. I did? You're on heroin yeah I'm not on heroin Joe it's a serious thing my mom was on heroin yeah yeah she rock and rolled she was fucking a real ass dude she'd boot up and let you watch a clockwork orange make them Trish look like a pussy yeah oh you're gonna drink a half a 175 of SoCo and let me watch wrestling? Nah, dude, Louis' mom's on the job. Joe, do you remember the first time you drank ever?

Starting point is 01:37:28 Yes. How old were you? Well, I mean, I had like a sip of beer as like a kid. Sure, well, what about that? Well, not by, not with a parent giving you permission. Not, I was late. I drank late. I was after high school, I had graduated.

Starting point is 01:37:43 Wait, really? You didn't drink in high school at all? No. What? No, no. Really? I feel like I drank late. I was after high school, I had graduated. Wait, really? You didn't drink in high school at all? No. What? No, no. Really? I feel like I knew you. I don't know you anymore.

Starting point is 01:37:50 I drank in Montreal for the first time. I sold a beer when I was maybe eight years old for my grandma. Nice. My grandma Rose had a beer. Do you remember what kind of beer? It was a German brand. It had to be cheap.

Starting point is 01:38:02 Yeah. Because we were poor. Heineken? No, no, no.. Because we were poor. Heineken? No, no, no. Heineken's expensive. Heineken was cheap. Green bottles are expensive. If I saw the label, I could tell.

Starting point is 01:38:10 Was it Lowenbrau? It wasn't Lowenbrau. Lowenbrau's a good beer. So you took it yourself, eight years old, knowing. JR Stewart was a kid who lived in the neighborhood. And I was like, I'm gonna grab one of my grandma's beers. And then I grabbed the beer and then we went outside and then we fucking cracked it. We took a sip. We're like, ble of my grandma's beers. And then I grabbed the beer and then we went outside and then we fucking cracked it.

Starting point is 01:38:26 We took a sip, we're like, blah, that's gross. And then he left and then I left it on the street corner and then I just ran away from it. And then I thought. And then a hobo's like. Whistle. What a day to be alive. What a day to be.

Starting point is 01:38:42 Oh, the Lord has blessed. Oh God, you keep putting me back on the stuff. We're out of time. Guys, this has been a great episode. What is going on? What is happening, guys? We're just having fun. What are you cutting off? Get out of here. No, dude. Go, guys.

Starting point is 01:38:59 It's a bit, you fucking jackass. It's not a bit. It is. We're out of a bit. Because technically we're at an hour 31. This is're fucking Jack. It's not a bit. It is right out of bed because technically we're at an hour 31 and this is your really free minute as the time welcome to free. Welcome to the Patreon. Put this behind a paywall folks. I mean you remember your beer because you were like 10 when I first got drunk. No, your first drink. The first time I drank, I drank with me and Chris Bracha, my friend, I think it had to be third or fourth grade. Used to go through his mother's liquor cabinet and pour everything into one cup.

Starting point is 01:39:36 Oh, so it was the small. Because it was all like. Black people do that now, just. Yeah, that's called the Incredible Hulk. Yeah, we used to pour everything in a one cup and then drink it, and then we got caught by his mom one day because we were all fucking trashed out. He's like, get out of my liquor can.

Starting point is 01:39:52 She goes, for nine-year-olds, you guys got attitudes. You go, why are you doing that? The first time I drank and got to get drunk to party was 10. OK. That's when I had screwdrivers, and then I drank. On my 10th birthday, I drank, they gave me a half a pint of Seagram seven and I drank the whole thing.

Starting point is 01:40:12 Did you have it with some seven ups? No, we just sipped it out. Sipped it out, got fucked up, went home, fell asleep under the porch in the dirt because I was too fucked. Like a bum? Yeah. And I remember I went in the house and I was all dirty on my front,

Starting point is 01:40:26 because I had to crawl under the porch, and I had to shit and throw up. So I remember I puked in the sink, shit, puked, went back to shittin', and then I was trying to scoop the puke into the toilet, because it was noodles, because my mom made me noodles that day, and my mom came in, saw me, and then punched me into the fucking hamper.

Starting point is 01:40:48 Nice. Literally, I just went into the hamper. Did it shut? Like a cartoon? No, it was an open hamper. And then she put me in the bed. She put me into bed, and then I slept in my puke all night, kept puking. And then she came in the next day.

Starting point is 01:41:04 Oh yeah, it was nice to you. I It was nice to her very nice to me, and then I didn't drink for a long time Yeah, I drank my mom my mom used to make Southern comfort, Manhattan's and she would have them in like a rocks glass And now you live in Manhattan, dude And she would forced yeah, but she like she would leave her drink for the next day So it'd be like a half a drink or whatever and I was playing baseball I think I told you guys and I ran in and I was like, oh iced tea Oh, and I just took it and fucking pounded it and I was like And then I became cool as fuck. And then I went, hey mom, can we get a little tail

Starting point is 01:41:52 around here? I went Trish, the dishes are done, you slut. I put on Murphy Brown. I've never been mean to Katie. No you haven't, I was kidding. What the fuck? Oh you were really kidding me, did that come from anything? Now I've got my head about it. No you haven't been mean to Katie. No, you haven't. I was kidding. What? Did that come from anything? No, you haven't been mean to her at all.

Starting point is 01:42:10 No, I've met her like maybe beyond that. But I will say, can I say? I love that you're holding on to this. Because she's a beautiful woman, and she's my friend's chick. So very often... You're being respectful. I will literally look through them, because I'm like, you're not even a woman to me now.

Starting point is 01:42:25 And if they don't have the use of being a whole. Oh. Jesus Christ. It's the honest thing. It's the honest thing. So what am I going to do with her? You know what though? That makes complete sense.

Starting point is 01:42:39 Yeah, yeah. And at an hour and 35 minutes in, it's a pretty good thing to do. We have five minutes of fucking free. Guys, we're gonna be right back in two weeks. Two weeks, what a night. We did move. This episode was two weeks.

Starting point is 01:42:52 Yeah. No way, this is one of the best ever. This was a good one. This was a good one. Way better than the last two. We did move Gramercy to December 11th, looking like we're gonna be doing a live Yankee swap. Yankee swap.

Starting point is 01:43:04 Live Yankee swap. Which if we are gonna be doing a live Yankee swap. Yankee swap. Live Yankee swap. Which if we are gonna have a guest, that Santa role, once played by Louis CK. That was so anticlimactic. Once by Tim Dillon. Once by Tim Dillon, we might have a big. Big Santa's the thing. Who knows, who knows?

Starting point is 01:43:18 Who knows who we can book as the show? We had to move the show. Rogan's plugging a special, maybe get Rogan to do it. Maybe Rogan. And he can make a slide over to Parks and Recs. You think Rogan's gonna be plugging a special still? It's live. It's live on August 3rd?

Starting point is 01:43:33 You think in December, we're gonna throw up there? He's gonna wanna. You're fucking disgusting. Were you about to throw up on the microphone? He goes, you think Rogan's gonna. Yeah. You think Rogan's gonna. Yeah. Show up on August 3rd. Yeah. He goes, you think Rogan's gonna, you think Rogan's gonna,

Starting point is 01:43:47 show up on August 3rd? Whoa! That was terrible. Dude, we're gonna get a big Santa. Big guest. Oh, we should get Stavros. Oh! Better than all those guys. Stavros, who are the ones you get?

Starting point is 01:43:59 Shane. Shane would be a great Santa. He won't do it. He's already been Shane DeClause on the Bonfire Live podcast, but. We could do, get B won't do it. He's already been Shane the Claus on the bonfire live podcast, but we could do a get Bert to do it. Bert. Yeah, it'd be a great Santa shirtless Santa. Yeah, big. He hates Joe. No, he doesn't. He loves him. He's trying to get them out on the fully loaded tour. Yeah. I was trying to make it right. Lewisofskanks.com, RobertKellylive.com. Also, you can go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly.

Starting point is 01:44:29 Punchuplive.com slash Robert Kelly. They got it all. Joe List, punchup.live slash Joe List. DanCenter.com. And we reschedule the Gramercy, so make sure you get your tickets. As soon as it's up, we'll promote it and get your tickets. And if you bought tickets for the show that we rescheduled, you're going to get a meet and greet.

Starting point is 01:44:47 Woo! Because we're changing the price of the tickets. A lot of meet and greets. That's a lot of meet and greets. It's like 100. 200. Oh, really? It's 200.

Starting point is 01:44:55 Ha ha ha. Dude, it's 200. 200 meet and greets. It was too many to meet and greet. Ha ha ha. And we'll see you guys next time. Get home safe please. On the ranks.

Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Truth Bell | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #18

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