Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Uncomfortable Ending

Episode Date: January 27, 2014

Robert returns from vacation with Kurt Metzger, Big Jay Oakerson, Paul Virzi, Dan Soder and Chris Scopo. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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¡You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com I'm sure I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. And sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's intense. No topics, no directions. I love you doing it. This podcast has no rules. Can I get a microphone?

I'm sure I've already said, should I? We're crappy. It's rubber-coly. You know what, dude? You know what, dude? I know what! I guessed. Unboying test, I could.

I guessed. I could. Tied. Drop. Brutally. It's. The lion is the kind of tide from the brimmy. Welcome at this sports talk radio. This week we're talking at a C-Champion, a champion, a champion, a PFC champion, a champ. The 2014 Giant Season.

Is Eli staying? We're gonna get to next basketball, call 1-888. Welcome back. We'll pass. It's just like, we are back. Jesus, oh, fucking giant mule. Did it break? I wish. Fix it. Fix it. Every time you're trying to, you got it up like lemmy. I need to be very comfortable for my.

Your various thoughts? Yeah. Welcome back to the, uh, the podcast. I'm back. I've been there two weeks. I let you fucking lunatics run this shit. We stopped tapping him. We're not fucking high school shit, dick. I don't know if a fixed-curt's thing like a baby. He's a goddamn gun. Good for three seconds.

It's fucking the styrofoam's off the top of the thing. I'm just soaking in a little bit. He's knocked the goddamn, though. You know what I'm doing? That's fine. Look at this. The fucking square is way off. Yeah, but it's so wanted that's gonna bother you all day

Why is this we're celebrating Bobby being back? This is like in hairline's Bobby walking back. I'm sorry, but what the fuck man with curtain is goddamn Michael You think that you could get your dick to this? I know you can't get you a fucking fat doctor Get your wiener through it. We're about paper towel. You know, you know, I could you dickhead Okay, okay, I shut the fuck up both This all right, I haven't been here in two weeks. I got to listen to you fucking Queen Jammeron And now you got to watch me smoke this thing. Yeah, I got I got something to talk to you about that to I might have a sponsor Oh, what's he would happen? I'm back and

Let's go through the we we have some people some extra people in the studio We have some guests some first time people we have first of all Paul Verzi my my one of my favorites. What's up, dude? What you know of you how are you? Where were you? Paul Verzi Fuckin five seconds. I mean really can we just say hi? Can't go fucking five seconds. I mean, really? Can we just say hi? Hi, boy.

Can we fucking just say hi without smashing somebody. Paul, how you doing, buddy? How you doing, brother? How you doing? Good, how are you? All right. I'm doing good. Where were you away?

I was away for a couple of weeks. On the beach? No. No, I was in Bermuda. Yeah, so you got to be. No, there was no beach. Oh, those people. It's fucking.

Shove in your back in that that water trying to keep your voice Down the bomb. I'm gonna like I just give me out. Can I just say something? He's just coming in like what are you doing? You fucking stone and pieces shit. Oh my high Well, you know what you're acting like an asshole. I've been throwing stones. Did you mean stoning like stoning people or? No like smoking fucking weed then we have um Big J people or something like smoking fucking weed then we have um big J. Elkerson I skipped over her. You have to ignore Christine. Well, I Christine Tierra she's the manager of the stand. Uh, she's awesome. She puts she also produces a bunch of shows in the city. She's a producer. She's a manager.

She's a money maker. A fucking rump shaker. She makes shit happen. Yeah, well, Christie Evans rump shaker she makes shit happen Evans rump shaker thank god it interrupt you're incredible introduction of What are you fucking your problem you can't you coming in out of fucking negative? I'm in a two weeks. He is the fucking negative negative negative. Why don't you fucking be nice? Wow? You can't thank you for black that at the end. That's my period All right, you fucking asshole your chubby arm fuck Where were you Bobby? Love how long is this taking to get to the other way we got Dan soda Hello

A.K.A. fucking corporate then middle of the road Dan a.k.a. I do mediocre or really good all the time I never kill but I call it third gear Dan he really is like a fucking Toyota for the age old reliable day just pure unleaded regular gas whoa there's a hill better avoid it you know what give him some straight flat grams you're gonna get where you gotta go And then we got I must have booked a show fucking Metzger. You fuck really? Did you really move the so instead of me you introduced Christine because then you got no one You know what to do?

Here's a deal dude. You know Here's the one that's all I'm doing. I'm saying you don't you fucking stop a step me and I skipped over you Is her an asshole, all right? I'm trying to this isn't Legion of scancels. This is the why kid. Let me just do what I do, okay? You shut the fuck off. You shut the fuck off. Oh, you do what you do. Dan. I did nothing. Yeah, I know that's a problem You know, just speak up. I'm not the bouncer of this podcast like I watch out Bobby's got to get through his intro So I'm gonna let you guys in you dress like a bouncer is some Onya to New York bar Pretty do out there tonight The fact that you got Onya

We have fans of the show Here the first time we've ever allowed fans of the show to come up and big fans of Kurt, you're their favorite comic, yeah, yeah, nice guy now. Kurt almost did the Messiah thing when he gave him his hand. Can you please, here you go, thank you, thank you. Trying to make your connection with him, guys. I'd be great if he got up and stabbed Kurt and it's like this is from Lindy curtains like this is a message from Lindy West I have a thing with rape is in funny time on the fucker. Let's watch you make rape jokes now

It's kind of so we got we got you what you name again? John and Kathy what you know Jennifer John a Jennifer. Where are you from Albany Albany and where you from sweetie? Washington so their fans of the show. They were downstairs. I totally come up and hang out and just and sit in, you know, so they're not on Mike. These don't worry about it. Creepy laugh. He laughs like a fucking muppet, doesn't he? I don't like that he just changed it up. I'm glad to see you guys. I mean I'm glad to see some of you more than others, but I'm glad to see In order I'm happiest. Okay, here you go. You ready. Yeah, I'm happy first

This is both says pure pure social nice Pulp version always a fucking I get it non threatening Paul Versey is always a fucking non-threatening Man can see the future Non-threatening you fucking they bring the run salad dress and he wants to stab somebody The fuck I said all of it ago. This is this is fucking vinegar. We have pretty great Yeah, you guys you guys calm each other with falsetto yelp yapping at each other other i know you did voice fucking

and try to do it but i tried to help you there's two people he doesn't need it okay alright this isn't a christian christine

aguilara song we got to double it up he's fine it says kill me over and over again. Kill me. Nice metallic reference. Yeah. So I was and then I go to Dan. Hi. And then I go to uh, be mercy, Dan. I would go, Versi Dan. Oh wait, we're Christine, Versi. Christine,

Versi, Christine, because she's a woman, I was like seeing checks. Yeah. You know, because I'm married. I got a kid and, you know, I like to, you know, imagine fresh posts, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah, you know, because I'm married. I got a kid and you know, I like to you know imagine press press bro Forget it. Yeah, yeah, who doesn't? Then you know a new box in the room right? I'm a right. I'm a right Tell relax I'm not bobo bobo boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob boob bo I don't see him that much, but I like him. He's always a solid guy. And then I have to go soda just because I have to Yeah, I'm constant. Yeah, he's on every blanket in here. I'm taking this as a coach's poll and not the A people and then I would go

I would say I would say big J. I'm always happy to see but in Kurt. I'm I love Kurt So I mean funny wise. I'd say Kurt. Yeah, so should be I'd say you but I even though That's a mean thing to say. Even though tonight, Jay, you're the funniest you've ever been. It's impossible. Yeah, I'm always at 10. I like that unassuming confidence. It just creeps up.

I come and swing in for the change. Jay has fucking, like, he has unbelievable confidence. For visually, his confidence should be shivering. No, but not like in, like, well, you have unbelievable confidence. For visually his confidence should be shitting. But not like in like, well, you have great confidence. It's not a bad thing. But why are you getting fucking insecure? I'll tell you what,

because you're saying visually, like I wouldn't, but what I would need to be confident for visually, I'm not confident, like like chicks and stuff like that. Like I'm not confident. I think you're very confident with chicks. Yeah, you are. I've seen you talk to chicks. even sort of my confidence really not even kind of no not even Not even a little confidence. No, I mean on the outside

Dude, I've seen you talk to girls in your yamp and you got a great game You shoot the shit your bus balls you make fun if I have a great my great game is always by accident I never know what's happening. Did I to check one time? I didn't fuck her in my room for so long that eventually she just got naked onto the covers. And then I still go, so what do you wanna do now? And she goes, I'm naked. Did you laugh like that?

No. I said like, what do you wanna do now? I'm naked under your fucking covers, dude. How long ago though, were you much younger when you did that happen. You know what you know? Yeah, I was pretty young. Yeah, but now would that happen to you? No, no way no way no way No, well you're talking about when you had your high top fade and you're from Philly Because you're fucking hair gel He was always city. Would you wait? What was your gel of choice?

When I was my gel choice oh shit man, it was all the LA gel LA style Now I wasn't a moose guy. No, it was gel. I'd rock some gel. Dipty do was Dipty do was the shit That was so what I was a kid. First of all, dipty do that she was flanked group in the 50s You can lie down. Yeah, well, there's all the words flammable. If you lost electricity, you could light the hair gel on fire. What was it? Yeah, do you get one of those little fucking candles

under a poo poo plata tray at a wedding? Were you a Greeceer? I just kept adding shit until somebody laughed and nothing I'm a dead bottomed bottom. Did you do the comb? Yeah, it was a fun thing. Fucking trash. It's this an old tiny product called Twip.

Do you ever hear that? There's a commercial for it. It was shit you put in your hair for it. And then it's in the commercial to go, dip it in dew. And the thalthing of Twip was, it was a hair moose and you could also eat it. I'm not even making that up.

Yeah, it's called Twip. Oh, Twip, yeah, like whip. And it was like a whipped cream. And you put it in your hair, but also you could fucking eat it. What flavor was it? I don't know. I was like whipped cream because it doesn't seem like, it almost seems like a hair. You put it in your hair, but also you could fucking eat it. What flavor was it? I don't know. I was like whipped cream because it doesn't seem like...

It almost seems like whipped cream with ham. It's her flavor, just what? Why was it an air gel? But doesn't it seem like whipped cream would have the properties of mousse? Yeah, I thought the... It was so sugary. The dunking stuff from Dunkeroo. It was Jizz, Dan, it was Jizz.

Delicious, cooked for hair straight. Jizz does work in a jam. Yeah. No, you've not done a jam work in a jam. Yeah, I mean if you know you're not gonna have you as a jam Poti oh fucking fat chick from Wisconsin in the back of a comedy club. Oh my god. You think he means that Are you serious you fucking you jizzard? Why? Why would you do that? So the chicken walks across to get to the other side. You're not bullshit me now.

Women's shop? Dude, I always thought that. Dude, you're in my head, kid. You're saying I'm thinking it, but you're in my head kid? You say I'm thinking it but you're saying it Well you've been in a rubah, huh? No, I wasn't a rubah. Damn it. I was it that's such a story I went to Bermuda now for the Jessful laughs Have you been now? I? Fuckin first of all I love Jess left. You do two, gentlemen.

What do you, Kurt, you've been, you've been, you've been, not to bermuda that whole way, good news. Well listen, here's a deal, it's very corporate. I don't know really how, you know, Robbie put me on it. I read the thing two days before I was going, you can't say fuck, you can't swear, you can't, it's a rated R show,

but you have to be kind of clean. And I panicked. And you have to do, like, I did the first night, me and Alonzo Bowden, you have to do 40 minutes, and then a different 20 for the rest of the week, which I kind of panicked about that too, because you kind of, you sets, you know, Montreal, they always get you to kind of chunk up,

take chunks, make this 20 over the first couple of days, and then by the end of the week, an hour set is 25 minutes. You just squeeze it down, but it won't be great. The shows are great. You're in the Fairmont, and the shows are, for the rest of the, the first night is downtown. The rest of them, you take an elevator

down to the basement, and there's a theater in the hotel, which is the best gig ever. That's pretty awesome. I love that. It's fucking awesome. I'll take a nice conference room in a holiday in as if it like being in the hotel All right, that may dance on there. Did you ever Damn you just wanted to say conference. I wanted to say conference room. Yeah Did you ever do I got a lot of mixing van koovers like that? It's in the hotel, it's a good club, but it's in the hotel. So I do love that. Yeah, I do, I love it.

So it's in it's a fair amount. But, permuter, you think it's tropical, it's not. It's off the coast of like South Carolina or some shit, North Carolina. It's two hours away from New York. It's the same weather as North Carolina, South Carolina. So it's fucking cold. You can't go in the ocean.

And you can't rent the car. You have to take cabs everywhere. They won't let you rent the car because they drive on the other side of the road because it's British, you know, ruled. But they'll let you rent a scooter. You know, so you give, there's people just dying every day on scooters.

Because you know, they don't have a motorcycle license and I've never taken a course They throw them on a scooter at the motel. They're on a 50cc and it's a pack a family a fat family of Americans Flying around turns trying to get to the the dockyards to have some fish sandwich It was way as a two hour two hour flight two hour flight you're there and there's not one I didn't eat one good meat Yeah, no those are in Bahamas too. There's no goddamn good and there's not one I didn't eat one good meat. Yeah, no, those are in Bahamas too. There's no goddamn good. It's under British rule. Thanks.

And you think that because it's like the local, you know, there's some kind of local shit. No, that's what my ex. She's like, what do the natives eat here? And they're like, we like potato skin poppers. And yeah, we have. We have. We have.

Yeah, conch. Fuck you with that shit. It's like if Walt Disney made an island, right where all the goofies were slaves and they closed the Disney Land, but the goofies just took over the And like that's what it is. Yeah, it's a we I mean the people are great everybody was nice, but you have to be Very wealthy to live on the set the food is Astronomical the cab ride as soon as you're in the film I think what you're staying fair month click that's an extra three bucks onto your the cab ride. As soon as you're in the film, they go, where you stand, fair amount, click.

That's an extra three bucks on the fucking cab ride. So to go to get dinner, it's 30 bucks there and 30 bucks home. So it's $60. Oh my gosh. On top of a hundred dollar bill. Yeah, don't go get dinner at a shitty mediocre restaurant. So you're miserable all week. Plus I can't eat certain foods.

So I have to specifically get, you know, like protein and vegetables So it was a it was a nightmare for me. Do they give you a program at knowing that it's more expensive every night You get a meal they pay for your meal just for laughs is the fucking I I would if I could work just for them I would did just for they every I Class X is dotted every T is crossed You don't have to fucking where Simon was there. You know Simon. He's the best Zoe they just Canadians are just the shit that just the nicest people ever. He's Canadian

Zoe it's the girl where the lady But they're the best the gigs are awesome the shows were amazing I was at the Lonzo Bowden will Silvento. I fucking love his idea dressing up is Sure with his face on it. He looked like a Mormon. He had like the white button down shirt You know all starched out But then he had a wool fucking black cap on there's of course it looked like one of those New Orleans death parades Will puts on a tie and skull face makeup Picture will be wearing a white button down sharp. You like you could see through these were gonna be a hakema lodge you want You want your. You're gonna have to.

Okay. So I just imagine what a school case. You're really good tonight. You're on fire tonight. Wow. Joaquim Elijah on. That's a great one. Dream.

Yeah, it was, look, I don't want to, I had a good time. We played golf. I played golf for the first time in 20 years. Is that what that picture was on Instagram? Yeah, but I went and bought the most ridiculous golf alphabet ever. It was just a mishmash shorts of pinks and greens, a green shirt.

How'd you play it? Did you play good? Did you look like a FaZe on Love and Who's your cat? Are you really from Wisconsin? You're on the fat girl. Did you play good? What was your handicap? I've been playing it 20 years. Yeah, I just fucking hold them one. I was a part three. I pause and I you got a hold on one of the last all Fursy, where the fuck have you been tell you nothing The fucking time and I get a hole in one I'm Jesus Christ versey what happened today did you did you go on like a retreat? Pulled it all night or last night or something. You got circles under your eyes. Don't answer any of your emails tonight

They're from like foreign princes. He's like, yeah, this guy needs help. You're in Bobby's high-pitched voices going back and forth Well, don't you don't tell me about golf dude. I need to know so You want to hear about it, but don't Anyway, can I talk about my trip? I was in Toronto at a chin-up competition where I won first place. Paul, are you buying that? No, I'm not. I'm not an Alan. Pull up, Jay. I was at the free pussy festival. I just did, I did a theater though this weekend. Dane and Louis opened up for me. How'd you get with it? Just cash in some favors? How did that happen?

Oh, wow. There's the last time, Bobby. Well, Jim and he grew up. Now we're even. I know you saved my life, but now you're squared. Like a dead pig. Fucking chin-up competition. I'm gonna get paid. Fucking chin up competition.

I literally pitch you struggling. 407! You fucking dumb mittens slipping off. There's no grip. You have different chin up mittens. Fetch my little money. Honey, go get my chin up mittens. I'm gonna get my chin up mittens. I'm gonna get my chin up mittens.

The cutoff socks? Yes, those are the... Oh shit. Oh god damn it dude. You're mittens, I used to hate them, but you're so committed that I've come full circle. I know why, why don't you sell mittens? I know.

You know, one of those bands I tore with said, I should do that. I'm not doing that. Yeah, dude, you'm up to it. Yeah, so many should I can't hawk shit why why I sell you a little Fingalus mittens to your fans then they can hold them up during your show Guys to say I get out of here. Just hold the hand up It was closer before I guys really you know I'll be selling these You guys can see me on the lobby what do they guys take gloves with fingers on them? So do I what do they cost ten And I'll throw in an album

All right, but some of them are still gloves and I have to cut them From I'm making you merch hold on I'm making you merch hold on I'm burning tonight show on a DVD and I'm gonna give you these men's is a brand if you want the tips some people keep the tips Now you can do funny things with them. No, that's when we-temps. You know, those are cock warmers. We got asked to fucking co-headline something that's coming up. If you see it yet, but- Hang on one second, Vazi.

I mean, Vazi. Vazi. Vazi. Vazi. Vazi. Yeah. Vazi. Who's Vazi?

He's being serious now. Go ahead. Yeah. This is real. This is real. I don't want you to think we should have a sales girlfriend. I think I was going to sell fingers. $10 each, you just see what happens.

You sell different, different packs of fingers. That'll be my only time I ever try to sell nothing. I sell gloveless fingers. What's the worst thing you've ever sold? You've ever tried to sell. T-shirt. I can't do any merch, Mike. Don't you hate, have you ever gone up at the end,

did the joke, and then at the end, held up the t-shirt? Oh, it wasn't a joke on the t-shirt. It was just like the star, my tattoo. It's it. I didn't say my name on the back. Actually, Justin Silver got the maid to show me. He's like, do you just sell merch? No, I'm like, no, he goes, I'll get the whole thing, you know, I have fucking, I was just a doer, I am.

He got the whole thing on. This is before his dog show, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when he was trying to find another career path. He got the whole thing, he still took advantage of his career path. He's getting the whole thing. I fucking trained dog, Stan. He gets it. whole thing. He's getting the whole I fucking train dogs done

he goes he goes he goes he goes he goes dumb pitching other show looks like it's gonna happen it's you know they got me doing the same thing pretty much but now it's more about me. Yeah and I fuck chicks in the show. Every week I pick a chick that I fuck. I pretty much neglect the dogs, you know. I'm just angry. I asked him about my dog. I go first I can't cut his nails because he freaks out if I try to clip his nails and he goes well I'll try to clip his nails man just leave him. That's really, I'm like if I give him a bone or something the dog gets really territorial. Like when I try to take it from him. He it's like he turns into the devil. It's that's Scary his whole face gets I know I go just like

Shouldn't be right you should be able to take the thing away from your dog. You just don't take away from them then I used to sit in just and trans dogs like a divorced dad He's like I don't know man. Just don't fuck with him. He's like a hero doctor like a divorced dad. He's like, I don't know man, just don't fuck with him. He's like a hero doctor. What are you doing? Don't do that. I'm telling you, that's what I used to say. That's why the show was, that's why I said that.

It was like the, I don't like summarize Justin and show he goes, watch your problem. Because like, my dog always wants to be in the same room with me. Like, put him in a different room. Next. He just wipes his hands. Damn it. Next. Um, he's a fucking phony.

One of the funniest things. Charlotte. One of the funniest things. What They're all foolish one of the funniest things What they're all foolish. What do you mean after that? Whisper the dog whisper guy sees them on day. Oh everybody just bit off him. It's the same shit You say bit awesome. I try to be a Who sholts now? No, it's like it's the same shit It's like, you know, don't look it in the face when you walk in the door be the pack. I mean they all do the same shit They're stealing money just the silver's front

He's pimping the struggle Someone needs a clap on it more than the trouble I Like are you seriously saying pimping the struggle? No, you should I know god damn wigger are you saying? You should have been the struggle you should have clasped your fingers and folded the brim of his hat. There he goes, a nice swan of gold. Oh, second basement. Look at the bands.

I'm gonna fold that fucking guy code hat so hard. What was it they pimping the gunk? Look at the beautiful bands and that sticker on your fucking brim. I'm gonna peel that sticker off as fucking hat brim. You can't return it. Pimping the struggle? I like that. Peel that sticker off his fucking head brim Pimping the struggle I like it. I like this pull the brakes on the show Pimping the struggle. We can't believe another dude said that out loud I know more can listen man, but where is it? You got a little ghetto in you though, right?

I mean He's all firehouse man He's all hanging out with firemen Cartoon of Obama and a news He only he only does benefit shows Every show the money goes to somebody else guys remember chucking work last month because of his back Right now we got that Muslim in the white house, so he's not gonna get his Benefits fucking waiting. He gave me some some black I was gonna pass my boot around

Guys just been fun. You're a little ghetto though. You have a little fucking little No, I'm let me finish You're fucking it. I'm good. I just you have a little you have a little Head no Fill in the fucking blank, Bobby You just got a little nothing. I don't like it. You two time.

I don't like that you fucking said he had a little head and then you fucking you step fuck you. You said he had a little head. Fuck you. I didn't say dick. Who's talking right now, Paul and Bobby? I listen to the game for the rest of the time. What the fuck? Dude, you're a little ghetto.

You have a little swag and you like you have a little disco. What? Oh wait, but Arty's can try to pick up a chick outside come in we just look he's outside the window floating I was just like I was going on downstairs already fly away you're doing a podcast I mean right I'm people said that before but this is how I talk it's always I talk yeah but you got a little you got a little black in you like you where you from

Originally from yonkers did you hang out with black people? Do you like grab it? I'm out everybody black black friends and you you had a little I had more more white friends more Italian friends Right, yeah, all right. I'm a good prize on some of the Italians get pretty dark. I have no problem with that though I'm saying I feel like you're defending yourself No, no, but a lot of people say that and it's like I don't I guess I don't think I come across as black. Right. Not black. What are you laughing at? Are you that fucking terrible? If I'm moving on, I'm sorry. No, fucking stuff to step to you. You're being real again. Listen,

mercy you have. What's up? Hey, what? Hey, you have one black guy that listens to the show. Yeah, he already full cries out there making all that noise. He's floating outside. He's like a vampire.

Don't invite a man. I'm scared though. He's like a vampire. Alright, here's the end work. Oh, fuck. Just no one. Both of you fucking losers and your stupid fake cigarettes are bugging me.

Mine's a fake cigarette. It's a lot of other things. New age detectives. I might have a company that might be promoting the show that has does this, right? Really? That's a vaporizer, right? Would they be interested in advertising on race wars?

My podcast. Well, I'm gonna get you some free shit. If you want it, you're fucking what's a vaporizer, right? Well, they'd be interested in advertising on race wars, my podcast. Well, I'm gonna get you some free shit if you want it, you're fucking what's good for you, asshole. I don't know, when I killed that name, race wars, I was like, who's gonna advertise on a fucking show called Race Wars? Like, I'll tell you this, guns in ammo magazine. Yeah, soldiers of fortune.

To do these days rubbing companies. Yeah, shit. Every true area. Oh my God, I've been searching iTunes every day. For four years and finally one popped up race walls. If you Google it, there's a website called race wars and just about RC car racing. That's what you guys really fucked up with your name. You just love racing. Wow, you really?

You ever seen a fake car go off a ramp? I thought this was real. How's your podcast doing by the way. Pretty good. You're doing it every week, is it? Yeah, we got Bill Schultz from Red Eyes on it now. I don't know if he got fired from Red Eyes, but he's not allowed to talk about it.

All right, what happened? I don't know, he's not allowed to talk about it. He's got a contact. Do you know what happened and you can't talk about it? He didn't tell us. Really? So he's off Red Eye right now. Yeah, and he's on R-Show, which I can't say. And it really is a fucking drop off. That's't tell us. Really? Yeah. So he's off Red Eye right now. Yeah, and he's on our show, which is, I can't say.

And it really is a fucking drop off. It's a huge drop off. Very lucky that we got. He had this fucking unfortunate. What does he add to it though? I thought it was you and you. He's sure I'd in a bill. What is he?

What race is he? Bill Schultz. Yeah. He's Andrew Schultz's cousin. So, like I said. Bill Schultz is Andrew Schultz's cousin. Yeah, I'm gonna have Andrew on wait. Are you serious? Yeah? Don't verzy me on this one. No, I would not verzy you

If you added Kelly for stucas I Didn't know that the gene pool really fucking fell off somewhere, huh and that family Because I mean I'd bill is good look. He's all right, but he's no. He's no Andrew The great was Andrew's a great looking tall. He is great looking. Yeah, he was a great looking great looking the original Compared to you as me. Yeah, he looks great looking. Great looking. The original compared to you and me. Yeah. Yeah. We more of a dick Yorker. There is. Orgent. Yeah.

But compared to you or me, fine. Absolutely. But that's I'm done though. That's great. Great looking. Great looking compared to you and me. It's diggin' but you know why would you not give him that? I'll tell you what it is. Why are you getting mad over why I say that? Because I hate, I'll tell you why I hate his fucking style and his face that's why I love and I'm done you don't like that he wears his hat. No, I hate his whole style, but I like Andrew That fucking guy code Fucking what's a ridiculousness like you know rob what's his name rob drew that e-drick boring bitch at host ridiculousness

Yeah Rob deep Rob dry I like so much. I really doesn't know his name. I guys. I don't get fucking signs as checks Rob does not sign my checks. No, he's just Rob now. He's just robbing Don't do this to me Robbie robby Don't you do what you do to those women downstairs where you get me to admit the eating Andrew's style is like, don't you do your weird psychology? What are you doing to talk to him? What are you doing to Jigs?

You live in your mix eggs and admit that they're eating ass? No, I'm just joking. It happens, I don't make any sense. Anyway, what am I gonna do? He's blathering, it doesn't matter. The point is, Andrew's fucking, Andrew's fucking style is what was foretold of in the movie at Eocracy,

when everything's just gonna be a mishmosh of like country and hip hop, and like Andrew's MTV horse shit embodied. Yeah, and his clothes like like fat-tone sneakers and I want to beat him with his fat-tone Yeah, she with a fat Yeah, but he's actually he's very nice guys nothing like he's not nothing bad about Andrew or whatever It's just right. I'm just judging his clothes right and not the man himself. All right. She's a good dude I like it dude. You just fucking you say you want I can like him in spite of his fucking you say you hate his face Yeah, it's quite of his face. I can like I can pass that

It's a good person Curtis they go we can get past that with you. Yeah If I feel that way by Andrew I know that's not my Maps of fucking literally go let engine on at the you're actually face makes me tired You're willing to accept I literally get exhausted when I see you fucking yeah fucking dark shadowed eyed sockets Fucking nine five and eight o'clock. Yeah, I really should add two kids to look like this You look like you feel like the government's always watching you kids to look like this. You look like you feel like the government's always watching you. Yeah, you look like the worst dad. Yeah, you look like a guy that was searching for Obama.

Obama or is that bad boy? Yeah, I love the swallow it right now. I'm a guy. I'm going to have shultz. Before you sit there, band that over, girl looks like he's gonna have to drill a hole in his head to get rid of the talking math problems. I'll take it. Okay. What a good dude, Jay. He was like, you're Jay. He threw an amp's throw.

He was close to something. Yeah. Well, they're gonna drill a hole in his head. I said, I said, I'm gonna put the phrase aside. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna put too many fans in it. Jay.

You want to try it? Never been done on the show before. Jay, hang on one second. Let me throw this one out. I want to try it. I want to put too many fans in it. Yeah. You want to try it. Never been done on the show before. Jay, hang on one second. Let me throw this one out. I'll take that. Tell me again how you missed Kurt for his hilarity and me for my social work. Oh, come on.

It's not like that. It's not cool. He only said me before you because he realized that he had nothing here. Jay, you know what Jay? I was more happy to see you than anybody. Jay can't tell. He's on things. That's for you. He was pretty good. I still got third though see you than anybody. Jake can't tell you something. That's right. I'm Ron. It was pretty good.

I still got third though, right? Ron from Ron and Fez told me he loves you, but he doesn't know how to tell you. That's where he got you, son of a three, I swear. They love Jay, but I'm not a tell. Is he one of the funniest guys on the planet? It's unbelievable. They have Christine is coming the coming to hurt us and people in. I just I

know I just talked to them today they're they're on Rodar now. Yeah yeah but they have her sent us she sent in Kurt and Jesse Joyce and Mike Vekion and everyone's been doing great it's great it's all. Hang on one second who you sending in? No I just give me the list again. It's Jesse Joyce. I hang on a stop. It's just Jesse Joyce. Who else? Mike Vecchio. Mike Vecchio and his parents. Kurt Mets.

Right, Kurt. Is there anybody else on the list? That's it so far. That's all they gave me openings for, but there's a bunch of people on the list. And I think I emailed you and you didn't respond. Oh, you never, you never emailed me. Big time Bobby Kelly.

Bobby, any list I make you're on. Because you were, because I happen to know inside information you were on that list buddy Yeah, mr. Ramuda Get you a minute out of my face you mr. Sister Kathy the the fucking she looked over to see you if he does he have men I hope this lady fucking attack should be in the show if you keep on her the wrong name Bobby wearing those fucking headphones They looks like Jennifer you've never looked more like a snowman with your muffs Right on the cusp I know right on the

He's gonna that it which should be legal I know he fucking you don't laugh at your own joke Well, I went to the Drew Carey school Let me look at your own joke, you fucks, I go. Well, I went to the Drew Carey school. Hang on, let me look at your face. I hate you really, dude. Oh, wake yourself up with your high-pitched voice. No, no, no. Give it to me. No, it makes me feel like I'm in an elevator. I'm keeping it.

Yeah, go, go, go. Percy, where the fuck have you been? Oh man with the kids yeah black people hang out black people that yeah, we yeah, and yonk is motherfucker We got forced to black foster kids in the house. Yeah. Yeah, that's why it was to play influence the Robinus blowing We should believe everything he says really what I got some black kids Levels you know the other black soul for black You I've been home for a while yeah, well yeah like home I been long how long Two weeks I'm gonna fucking call me. Huh? I did call you, I texted you, so let's go get some coffee in Westchester,

you didn't get back to me. I was in Muda. Okay. We should do that. Yeah, all right. Yeah. There's like two cops talking about hanging out. I'm like, what are you doing?

Yeah, you can drive up there. You like a Westchester, you like a Westchester? I see a movie. I don't know why any of you assholes live where you live I would I mean I get it cuz you know you get what you You're rent 150 bucks for that shit's cobble you live in yeah, I live in a you live in Harlem You live Dan. We live in Washington Heights, Harlem Steve outside Steve That's my favorite name ever. I like big head Steve outside

I look outside outside Steve's great to I think it's way better than Big head, but I like Big head. Yeah, Big head. But Steve hates that nickname. Oh, Big head or outside? Outside. He goes, he's not calling me outside Steve dude. He goes, because it's catching on. It sounds like I'm homeless.

Yeah, you have been for a long time. Unfortunately for him, there was an inside Steve at one point. Yeah. He's outside Steve. I prefer he stays outside Stay outside Steve. I'd like I haven't seen Steve in a long time that Steve How about that Steve? Where have you been Steve? I mean Bobby. I fuck you Steve's a fucking nosy asshole. Isn't he nosy? Doesn't he try to get in your business? Oh Steve outside Steve?

He's pretty easy to live with. I have to say. You know, say what a fucking jerk off you think you're going out. Steve is like a guy who could just hang out kind of any, you know, like Modi told me Steve's a guy that should be on someone's boat with a sweater on a shoulder. That's funny. He's a guy that was born to hang out on somebody's boat with them. Yeah, not own a boat, but hang out on someone. Yeah, he's like a guy you would bring on your boat. Yeah. Oh, let you live in your apartment in Washington Square.

Does he pay rent? Yeah, I pay more rent than him, of course. He's in a room? He doesn't even have a girlfriend, but he wears dad jeans. He, but Steve Krush is asked, dude. I Steve really. You know his brother is like fucking really successful and like a lawyer. I don't know what the fuck he is.

Do you know Steve crushes us for the same way Deroza does? Tanasius, I'll go later than anybody else. No girls like him and I know for a fact they do. I mean what do you mean the way Deroza does? Steve gets the same demographic of, I'm not sure when he gets, he has the same demographic as already Fuqua. Oh!

And so he's always mad at already because already will fucking still check your out he will swoop in on his any female and like i don't feel that would happen i can imagine a girl who likes already going for me so i've never had a picture i remember i knew when my my days were up banging broads when me and Keith were a front talking to the smoke and hot port of reacon girls after the show and we looked up and on a know where we saw Arty God-free and Steve Burns like lurking. Oh

Watch it just watching us from a distance and then they slowly sauntered up Yeah, and they like kind of like young lions. Yeah, they were like getting the courage to fight the old lions And they came up and they started the girls like oh yeah You were funny, and they were we kind of slowly just backed out. Let's get some let's get some food man Yeah, we just went and got food. I think I said the movie just ends in a pans away You just see like the girls like clapping while those guys are doing like the kid and play dance to each other Just non-stop energy putting out for white girls. They just somehow hypnotize them in the fucking putting out for white girls, they just somehow hypnotize them in the fucking of them. They're matching a deities track. Oh, you guys like,

Dan, we got hell dance. What? Two, three. But, uh, yeah, I do love Westchester, Versailles. I love being, I don't know why, why, what do you live? I'm sort of homeless. Why, what? Why? Nothing at this. See, you're making fun of his gloves and now there's a reason. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, a juice. I got to warm my hands while I sing duop over a hobo fire. I get back. You guys doing a good barrel fire? Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Why are you homeless? Um, because my house is like weird. No, because me and Carler are like separated. So, Jesus, man. Yeah, no, it's it's fine no it's good right this pilot is versi by that now it's yeah that's true yeah that's fine what when did you separate and what is separate separation something you have to do through the quarter is it's just an agreement between it's sort of it was an unspoken agreement really it's not it's not a it's not a it's not a court thing it's not like I think there is an actual like technical like legal thing

You can do separation, but you didn't do that Now you gotta do something soon, but like now it's really barely been talked about So how do you know you separated then? She's seeing someone else and I'm like really and I'm just seeing other people at this point Is it is she she in a square? Is it somebody you know? Is it somebody? Oh? No, no, no, no, it's good. It's scary. It's scary. It's getting a little awkward Fucking awesome, but it comes home and I'm wearing his gloves Quarantine all my fingers I know

Oh, you're home. Oh, hey, thank you. I ate all your corn be by No, you don't mind it play Xbox yeah Accidentally erased your file by I called Jay like tell dick and I says I like to party Jay. I like turn up like yeah, Joe's tomorrow your cables confusing how you turn this on Every time TV comes on kale bus goes off That's fucking crazy though man, he is where it's bizarre. Here's the thing. It's like you know When I got married versus you're married how long six years

When you get married, do you think it's forever this I'm you know, I'm making this decision I don't know if I thought that I have no idea like I like guess sort of. No, but there's a lot of people I did. I'm like, I'm fucking done. This is forever. And then when I had the kid, it's like, this is really, I'm fucking, I'm dying with these people. Yeah, like I'm dying. What have you guys done now?

And no, dummy, that's the one I'm saying. Fucking co-catic. I'm, I'm saying, I don't, I'm not a co-catic. I know. I'm off God. He just likes it. So I mean, I like coke and I like it every day, but I don't think that's a, I couldn't imagine this. You know, the shows boring when we let the two fans they're on their phones. I don't let you guys on your phone. And these fucking cons, these two fucking cons. I literally, no one's ever been allowed up here phone and these fucking cuts, these two fucking cuts, I literally, no one's ever been allowed up here

and these fucking twats on vacation are on their phones. There's all the business, bro. You have 14 followers, put it down. All right, you're not helping the show by going, guys, we're up here, just put your phone in your pocket in your tight jeans. You can use your phone if you want. I'm making it a fail, Jennifer.

No, listen to that angry man. Maybe he listens to the podcast while playing mind sweep I'm Nick the Paulo. What the fuck put your phone away? You fucking sock a country. That's that's what Nick the Poe's impression of you That's just amazing to me. I couldn't I mean I can't imagine I Know people get there, but to, you know, that's a hard place to get because you become a habit. It be, you know, people like being in a relationship is a habit.

And when you, to say, okay, it's over, it must feel so fucking good to both of you, to know that you finally get to have a clean slate and move the fuck on. Here's the thing, I do feel that way. I'm sure a part of her feels that way. It's so weird right now because no one is really sure what to do. No, I'm going to be like,

Why can't you just go look? You're fucking somebody, right? Jesus. Yeah, no, I can't. Go ahead. I can look, yes. You think that's bad? No, I'm just saying like to I mean Okay, you're making a little somebody else. I don't even gonna say you're you're always taking it because that's not my world's not rock by that

I'm telling you no bullshit when that happened. I was I called my friends to say it almost like my close friends obviously like like a Twitter I'm fucking someone my wife No, I was happy that was almost like part of the day dream that kind of happened was like that would happen Because then you know if I got caught fucking around that's going to be a fucking huge thing. Yeah, and it wasn't that she got caught fucking around Like she had by the time she was fucking around with somebody else like she had every right to I mean like I and not like Slept in a bedroom with her and fucking forever like we didn't have sex. How long? We didn't have sex at all. How long?

How long man like give me a give me a number no shit. Wow really? Yeah Making me sad this conversation. So where the fuck you got a lot. No, I don't it shouldn't make anyone feel sad First you get a basement. What? Yeah, I got a patient. Can you let fucking be laboratory? Can you let? Lonely Freestyle downstairs This is fucking eight mile on. We are White Andrew Sheldon, we fucking battle. Me and me and Sheldon just battle with our fucking

flat brims. Cast a guy code over. He's dickers. He was that DJ hero game. Yeah, that was sick bro. Let me ask you a question. How so for two years you knew it was over while you were in the house for that long? You know, it's great. I know right now you guys are trying to pull the jam. Sorry, here's gone bad for you, but these guys aren't saying that. They feel happy for me, and you guys have so many questions because you hate your god damn wives.

And you are so jealous of what I've got. No, I know, dude. I like my wife. You're going to pull her, you're going to pull her. She's listening seriously. I'll get hit. I'll seriously. But I'll say that you know that I love my wife. Say that when I'm off the air. I Get hit I No, I love my life not this close to the feet of saying in me

Bobby I just stopped doing you try now There's a deal me no, I I really I love my life right now like this is the happiest I've ever been But you dude you know me know me put her hands on you tell me right now she puts in as you all go talk to her going doctor Bobby's gonna fill I said yeah I said Jay's wife does he put his mittens on you I'm gonna wear one mitten on you we can get we know what with those mittens we can still get his fingerprints it wants. It blunts up the knuckles. He fills only internal damage.

Now here's the thing that, what about your kid, dude? How is that gonna work? Tough one, but what are you gonna do with that? Where is your brain with that? I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's, for a while of this this was like real big fear because I am pretty indifferent to my dad. My dad took off when I was young.

Where is your dad now? Ohio. Do you know him? Yeah, but like all in spite of, like he was never that interested at all. Like, you know, I was always like, everything I did with him, he was a obligatory that he had to take before and what I mean.

For the most part, I'm sure there's like a few things here a few things it wasn't the other thing is like he started a new family of like yeah Yeah, I'm sure he took care of kind of yeah, no, no, he's actually a good father to his other kids. Where he has weird I don't even have I don't even have a sister. Are you know I've two sisters? I have two sisters and a brother my mom has my stepfather Where the fuck is your brother when you sisters haven't we we've never met them or heard about them I've met his my step where the fuck is your brother when your sisters haven't we we've never met them are hurt about them uh... it was a very well hailey shawntable all right well i'm not your friend apparently okay i'm sorry well they don't come with a new orc they've been there yet they're way over the

f**k does this they've come to my have known you long because we never could go on the road and state it my bombs house together that's why that's exactly why that's why they've met and current I've known we started coming together me in Kirk So all right. Thank you. I'm going back, but um Where was I could you get a louder fucking AC can we turn that make it I get you sure? Yeah, try. Thanks. That what you want Yeah, with that guy code scratch. Yeah, you can get all that guy court money. I buy you two AC's Hey guy cool. You fucking stop acting like you don't have money I know we know you live in a fucking little hovel with other comics

But you're a nickel chaser. Where do you live? You're a fight you got a you like a little troll with gold underneath your bed? Yeah, he has a lot of money gold bed having mother fucker. Yeah watch this cock sucker fine Find my coffee can and where I bear you got a lot of money, dude I'm investing. No, you got money. I don't have a lot of money look at me in the eye tell me you don't have a lot of money Tell me you're not making great money right now. I'm not making great money. You're What's great money? Tell me you're not making thousands. I'm making thousands. That's great money Yeah, make it thousands of making that's you just go on assuming because you dress like Terminator to John Connor Thank you, I'll take the fucking band there No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,? I thought, listen, it's an awkward situation.

The house is my mother-in-law's house. Really? She doesn't live there, but like she's, it's her place. So it's a legitimate house, or is it like a split level? It's a legit house, but essentially the rent is the mortgage for the most part. Okay. And the rent, so I still take care of like my portion of the bills and that's an scenario and I sleep in another bedroom.

Okay. But the kid does get aware of that, so it's awkward. Here's what I think. The kid's aware of that. Yeah, and I'm not saying she's not going to go to the space. Well, how does she, please talk to me about this. How does she aware of that? How do you know that?

What does she say? I'm in a different room. Yeah. Well, I found out recently that she is actually like said things to Carla because Carla said she's tried to like keep away from her that like her and this guy are like a thing. And she said that Isabelle's asked her about it. So, yeah. So it's like I didn't know that till very, very recently. But it's like a how old you kid? 11. So she's old. It's not a bad, it's actually not, I talked to Ben Bailey about this

who has an experience in the situation and it's like, this is actually not a bad age because she kind of gets it. And to me, it's like I said before about the thing with my father, like I kind of big and different to my father and I'm very worried about her ever feeling that way to me.

And I think I've been convinced with being from like speaking to my parents or whatever, my mom and stepop and just friends and stuff that like, I'd be told for a long time. Just because me and her aren't together, doesn't mean I'm my father. It's just because you were, I hate to give them a serious note,

but that's like that's the thing, I did have me very super concerned and like, No. Just because you were a man doesn't mean you're homeless. No, I'm not, you know that. Sure, yeah. Okay. Outside dad, what's going on?

Tell me one time, one time, what are the rails? I'm a pretty, I'm a pretty hands. I'm a pretty one done dad You want that bandana to put on the end of a stick for some food Why are you carving hobo signs on the outside of the house? They say they're superior. Why do you always smell like pee and fire dad? What is stuck dick for food mean? Daddy a man named Tulsa Joe came over looking for you. Why do all your friends have cities been in front of their name? Why does Uncle Cleveland run still say it? Can we not eat? We're not eating tonight out of the can. Why are all your handkerchiefs tied

to sticks? We doubled up on that one. We doubled up on the joke. Yeah, I said it was the first one that started the whole thing. You know, acting is reacting. I have to listen and then yes. Oh, I don't believe in that. I like to say lines that I think of that don't apply to what I'm doing. I don't move the story forward.

I think that's my choice. I think Isabella went through it. I think she already went through a weird thing already. I think my daughter already went through a weird thing. I've talked to Paul, because's about to sit length before. Okay. When you were telling me you're starting about your parents coming up

and bringing up in the ages that you guys were. And I think she's just like, she did go through a weird thing in the beginning of school, behavior-wise, she's got really started acting like crazy, like outlandish for how she is. Right. And then after a couple of weeks,

and I think it was like doing her kind of feeling all this like weird change in her life, happening without everybody really being talked about, I think put a lot of stress on her. And even though it's still not fully talked about yet, like, I think she's starting to get the sense though that no one is, she's not gonna be, I'm not gonna be gone,

because I'm me and her mom are together. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's what I really committed to myself too. It's like, that's like,, you guys tell her that at least? Yes, she's been told that, but still, what happened is, I'll tell you this story, is interesting thing. Why I knew, see, me and Carla discussed that me and her

have to have a long discussion and then a long discussion with our kid, actually, because I thought the interesting thing is that Bella said to me and my daughter was, I was talking daughter was I was talking around in the road like two weeks ago and I was saying you know I'm like hey how was your weekend what's going on in your weekend she started telling me the story and every time she's saying her mom and the guy you know take her here and then her mom and the guy drove her to wherever and then dropped her off and then blah blah blah and she went to dinner

with mom and the guy and then the guy left and I'll be like okay and then dropped her off and then blah blah blah, and she went to dinner with Mom and the Guy and then the Guy left. And I'll be like, okay. And then she goes, you know, I dad, I feel like every time you're gone, I'm just telling you, Mom and the Guy, Mom and the Guy. And I'm like, yeah, is that a bad thing? And then she just goes, I don't know, is it? Well, that was pretty interesting for an 11-year-old thing to say.

And I hung up with her immediately, and I called a car that I was like, we gotta talk, like, for real, like get it out there in the open and then we got to talk there. Because now I'm worried that like it feels to me now, like she's a little stressed out feeling like she knows something that she's not telling me.

And she feels it's a weird accomplice. Right, yeah. And that's like a- You can't have that. Even though that the mom and the guy is a great sitcom name that you maybe you should write You're you've been a cheater in your life. Yes Do you I this weekend, man, for so I had a real rude awakening this weekend with something

I've really been made to feel like Like what I put buddies through and Kurt's prize. We're gonna test this as a buddy like Really making your buddies man like unwitting accomplices to things and really being, it's like, it's fucking amazing. How you press forward that. It was kind of done to me a little this weekend where I felt the thing where I was like, man, I got too much knowledge in me

and I feel like I'm an asshole but there's nothing I can really do and I have no place to do anything. Look man, who? I mean, it doesn't matter whether this is or somebody else. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, they're gonna rat him out now. I, I, I became, I became, I became you and Dave and Lewis and the people over the years who I've like fucking just because you want to hang out with me

and you're like, I'm with another person and you have to kind of see them both and it puts you in such a fucking hairy spot that I've never Had a sympathy before no look at the end of the day. I'm happy. I do I think the direction things are are good I think it's the best direction these things could go for me because but we've look at man We've talked I've talked to you look fucking man up, do what you gotta do. And it's, what's up? No, the most important thing, because my parents got divorced when I was five,

my brother was 10, and it fucked my brother up way more than me, because he took the bullets for me. But all we were taught, and I hate to bat him out with my parents on a podcast, but they were young and they handled it wrong, and they told us, this one was fucked up. That one was fucked up. Your mother did this.

Your father did this. So we were just confused in the middle. They got a documentary about some coach who tells his kids everything bad that happens to him was because a woman in his life for something. And these kids are just all fucked up. Do you know, I had a big problem. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law

were fucking doing that at first. What? They were shitting on me to Isabella. And it was like, I mean, he's so furious, I was like, what is that to, all that does is fuck her up. Okay, you're fine. No, it's not really a thing that does it.

It's terrible to do, but you can't avoid that. I mean, it's gonna happen. It's not like out of bounds, because here you are, the person that they love the most, which is the sister and the daughter, okay? They care about them. They don't give a fuck about you anymore,

because you are hurting their family. Okay. So here's an outsider, fucking, they gotta hear her talk, shit about you. So, you know, that's why I always just tell my wife, listen, if you go and you trash me and your family, after we make up, go tell them that I'm a good guy again.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking, shit credit. You can't, because now I gotta go back over there for Christmas and they still fucking hate me, because you told them, but you didn't tell them the full story, too, you didn't tell them that you were an asshole, you didn't tell them that you fucking push my buttons And you said some fucked up shit and I called you a fucking Twatt burger because you know what so they just know that shit

So you need to go back and tell them look I fucked up. I'm fucked up too. We worked it out together I said some means they don't get that story. It doesn't even but here the thing. Me and Carla did not have a knockdown drag out whatsoever. Yeah, but you'll never know what she said. No, no, no. Has nothing to do with what she said. I think I agree with you though. You know, you shouldn't drag the kid into it. I've told you the situation of what went on with like the child protective people coming

and I told you that in private. Yeah, it was not. So it's like, who did that? They school their child protective because they cuz the teacher saw his eyebrows and how manicured they were worried about this Yeah, so the mittens they were like something I wasn't but plugging my daughter No, yeah It was ten ten-year-old little girl said did they saw me dragging? Conor by the hair outside and kicking around the ground. Well, I don't do that.

They go, you're gonna do it again. Well, they go. Yeah. She's in. Now she's little. Now she's in the blood out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, her. She's not in Andrew at the end with their fucking little puppy. Tumor shoes. I'm a little Joker. You're in. No, I made her killer. I made her killer cousin with a piano wire. And now, you know, she's full of love.

But Jay, let me give you a little playbook from the Gary Soder I made a killer cousin of the piano wire and now you know, just full blow my feet. Jay any Let me give you a little playbook from the Gary Soder book of divorce Presence that's how you win a divorce It's the best presence. Let's show me tell you something about my dad undefeated in the divorce my mom didn't even fucking place compared to my dad dropped in my All this shit my second step dad who fucking beat me, abused me verbally, literally just set my path in life to be fucked up because of this guy.

I remember, finally she's divorcing him. Finally we're moving out. Okay, my life is gonna finally get better. He came over the Tari, when a Tari first came out. Yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden, we're playing Atari, the adventure where you were the, you know, you had to go around and get the dragon. And you were a question mark. That's an arrow that went around a little

mechies. And my mother came home where like, my maybe you shouldn't divorce him. She fucking snapped. She grabbed it, fucking threw it in the trash. She was like fuck you. That's not sucks. See my dad did it the best because he, you know, not paying child support and then living in some apartment complex like three fucking blocks away. Yeah. And I was like I wanted Nintendo. My mom was like no, there's no way you're getting

to Nintendo. It's meant the weekend with him. He's like hey, check out what I got you. And you can take it home with you. And I just remember they didn't want to fight in front of me. And so when I got out of my dad's car with the box and I was like, Mom, look what dad got me. She shot him, this look like you, motherfucker.

And I was like, oh, he won on that one. And I was like, that point, Gary, that was great. No, they do things on purpose. Like my dad bought me a glycosic, but heavy like a powerful pellet gun, like a powerful fucking gun. There'll be a male. And they'll take your mother. What's yours? And and I was psyched man. I was psyched. I was outside shooting at like just shooting at birds and shit and killing birds

Never let a man look down Raise those dubs Can I finish the fucking story? Dude don't fucking talk to me like I've been trying to finish the stories this whole times every fucking it Thanks me guy. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry That's what they do they do but it was it was the gift wasn't for me. It was to hurt my mom It was to cause friction when I go of course it is It's this guy beat the fuck out of me for years

Yeah, and then all of a sudden he buys me a tarry, go fuck yourself, but it worked. It worked. Because I just wanted to be loved and cared for and have somebody treat me nice. So he used it. But my mother finally stood up to him and threw the fuck in a tarry. Well, you know what, bitch, take it with us to the new shitty apartment we're going to. You want to hear, I'll text my penis and this. This will be a fun guys talk right now. But first I will say also, it's like,

where I'm a, I think me and Carla both in a pretty good place as far as where Isabella goes and I said, I don't really like, I don't know where it's gonna be, like if I'm gonna be like, come to the present sky at a point, but like right now, it's like, what really does matter, and you understand it's both as parents,

like what I make sure is important right now is that when I'm in town, I get three hours of sleep on a Saturday night to go watch her soccer game at eight in the morning, do it on Sunday. So that's the kind of stuff I think, hopefully makes her never look at me like my mother. Yeah, but here's a deal, dude.

Here's a deal. Yeah. It's, you're not, there's gonna be, you're gonna be guilty. I mean, let me just say this, okay? Sure, I'm gonna go home. I, if my kid pops into my head right now, I wanna go home. I just wanna go see this fuck.

And I know you feel the same way, right? I don't know if it changes, maybe it changes as they get older. That you kinda, I don't know, maybe you disconnect a little bit from them as they get personalities, as they become little humans. It's not like, Well, she doesn't wanna hang with me, you know, I'm obsessed little humans it's not like well she doesn't want to hang with me you know I'm sensitive to kind of thing now like she doesn't hang with me she wants to hang with the guy I'm telling you this will stir something up and you guys so there's

the things the Chris we stop fucking saying that because it might not I'm telling the last thing didn't start it will it will with you guys for sure. I came so Back in meds again, cuz uh, so I said she sees the other guy Yeah, and he's around a lot and he it was presented as a gift from Santa for my daughter. Yeah, but he got her Fucking mini iPad And I and I let you get it. Forget alone, whatever money. Whatever money, whatever money, what took him bought a present with.

I have a- Well, I don't understand that. Carla has much more of an idea with a little girl once. I give her the money and she gets the presents. So you didn't, because you, let me just get this straight, you were a couple. So the presents came from mommy and daddy, or Santa, right, whatever.

And he came in and said, this is from me? No, from Santa. Mom's Santa, mom. But she believed in Santa at 11? Yeah, she still does. Okay. I'm sure she has some ideas, but like she doesn't, I think she's just kind of like

fine to be the least interesting. Okay. Isabella. She really did, who's the idea is that? If she came to me tomorrow and was like, the kids at school were saying, Santa's not real, I would be like, yeah, who's the idea of that? If she came to me tomorrow, I was like, the kids at school were saying, Sam's not real. I was like, yeah, yeah, Sam's not real.

She's like, you know, it's one of the eight. Even worse, what if she listens to this podcast? She is. Did you ever believe in Sam? Or you probably, yeah. These two are like, Chewie Leaf, let's get out of here. What's up, Sam?

What happened? The Kathy's upset. Why? And it doesn't exist. What? Oh, fuck, all right. mean, uh, but here's the thing. No, but I mean I know I know the things that like we wanted to get I was like a cell phone. Yeah, I think she needs a cell phone at this point almost and a couple of things, but what's interesting is But the guy guy that I think that's also a present like before I bought that for anyone right if I was making tons of money And I was like, you know, close to Paul and his kids and I was like I don't think you just show up with an iPad

Maybe like hands for the kid. That's something I feel like you like that. What is this guy do though? Yeah parents have to disguise money The parents definitely have to this is on the hands of the here's a point I think he's a prison guard. Here's my point if the guy's got a shitload of money and I've had many to him is like $50 gift card to somebody else. I don't think he has money like that. Okay, so if he doesn't have that money, he was trying to fucking really win a roll. I think that's a big move though. I don't think that you're right. But he said to though, which I will say he did not take credit for it. I almost feel like isn't it a thing though that like that's a me just make sure both parents are you know what I would have done I would have taken the card off and said from dad because

My thing is you're handing a you're handing 11 year old now access to the internet You know what the your thing is you're handing an 11 year old something you really wanted that you didn't get Yeah, you go. Oh my god. What if he also You and your daughter and I pay like this guy's pretty good Put on the one put on the one to Isabelle. He put from Santa the one of me puts his name Yeah, you know, this is for me. Hey, it's from Rob boys. I'm concerned you're the father of this whole family now pal You're my dad now, too. No, you're my dad. Where we going for dinner?

I like pizza. You said you're mad at Isabella's life so you can hang out. Because I'm still living in the house ten years. No, I was one pizza because I'd like it. Robbie never would do anything. What if I'm at place Gus? Gus. They have great shit in it. He's the union. Vers if I'm at place, Gus? I mean, Gus. Gus may have great like shit in it. Who's he a union? Versi, how old are your kids?

Four and one and a half. Could you imagine not seeing them? No. I mean, you told me the saddest, it almost made me like not regret having a kid, but like I'm fearing the day now. Like it's, I wish you never told me that. You told me that one of the saddest things ever

When he's leaving about you tell me about that thing now It's about the airplane once they get to like yeah, once they get to like three and you travel and you go on the road Or whatever they start to like see you get ready to go and then they're just like how long were you gonna and then it's just like And then I wish you don't I wish you don't go. I wish you didn't go and you're just like yeah, and then I bring them toys I'm like don't worry though. I'm in Texas We'll bring you something from Texas and he feels you know, it feels good about that But yeah, it's just if you go in with a fucking with a bull on it If you got longhorned fucking if you got road work more than once every three months

It wouldn't be such a shock to their system. They'd probably get used to it And me take this bandana of meanness. I want it. Very worthy. Very worthy. And me. Take this bandana of meanness. I want it. Maybe I said it because I wanted it. I bet you did. Jay comes with his own bandanas. He's a very good this.

Hold on. He's matched my mittens. So versus. Oh, it's getting real. What was the scum of a bandana? What was the thing you said to me one day that the guy goes, you little kid, you little guy. Hey guy, where you at? You're even again.

Good. Where you going? I am. Boy dead. Are you taking the car? You take it. He goes, um, he goes, are you taking, um, are you taking the car? Are you taking a plane?

And he's like, I'm taking a plane. He goes, all right. Then I'll see you in a few days. Like, yeah, I'll see you in a while. Like he knows that a plane is going to be gone days. Like, yeah, I'll see you in a while. Like, he knows that a plane is gonna be gone longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That fuck, it didn't help me. Yeah, it's fucked up.

If any of his kid was like, they don't pay pilot shit. Those things are death traps. Yeah, what? Okay, look, this is bandana. Can't go around that quickly. Yeah. I gotta go.

I gotta go and hold the knot in the bandana. Can you give it a second? I didn't even let it set. So So there's also something to set up for like I ain't bugged both the you're you've been a parent for a little bit longer and and you very new Bobby But like that stuff like all the booby booby-ness of that will fucking wear like all the overture back He was I couldn't imagine us plenty of begins around like I hope they don't fucking call me Where are you going papa? But I'll be so cold without

Pop who's gonna stop the There's an agent like when the fuck are you leaving? I gotta go on business and we were like daddy and then eventually like thank god What's they get to a certain age I think my most like a conference in Tampa I'm like fuck yeah you do and we shot on the road you get your sleep on the road too I mean

that's I lie about that just wait really fucking lie about that what you get in a sleep I can't sleep without you honey it's like weird I just I'm not gonna I'm not gonna I give her no ammo I give her no what the ammo be you're out there having a great time sleeping

yeah like I'm out having a blast I'm out fucking eating at a great places having fun sleeping all day. I don't tell you I don't want one part of marriage with children that every time I hear about it I'm like none of that's for me man. Yeah, I look I was the same way bro I was the same way until four years ago and then I'm talking Fuck those people like I saw those people and I was like fuck you and my wife was the same way. We used to see them on vacation and be like,

we'd look at him, look at him, look at all the shitty stuff to carry. Look he's sweating, look at her hair. Like her, look at her fucking hair, her legs aren't shaving. She hasn't taken a shower in three days. Is it just biological clock? Is that all? I don't know what the fuck happened.

I think because I was working on my relationship that I got to the point where I was just like, I want to, I think, our marriage, when you have a kid, this child represents your marriage. This is, you are from us and you are a legacy you are are I feel like it's our legacy as a couple is max right so he's what we raise him to be is what we were do you know what I'm saying so when he so people know

that we existed because if I die and she dies as a couple it's over we're done that are our fucking let there's no legacy. There's nothing that carries us on. There's a beautiful body of podcast work. You've done it this day. I just, and it's just something that hit me that I was like, let's do this. And I was interested in finding out what the kid would look like

if we could make a baby. And what sites to do that? His apps. And the app actually worked. My kid looks like the fucking, I wish I swear to God, I wish I saved that. Really? I swear to God.

Max looks just like the fucking photo. Where did you get that up from? Also, I wanted to do it too. This is a big thing, is that I wanted to, I felt like I needed to do it as a person, as a man, because I was getting too selfish, and I was too laxed asical, and I needed something...

This happened before in my life, too, when I got sober. I needed some responsibility in my life to get to where I needed to go. Where I kept wanting to go there, I just couldn't get there. I just couldn't, and I was never gonna get there. But now having this kid, where there's no choices anymore, I have to do this, I have to take care of them. I have to do certain things. I've, I've, I've, I feel like I,

I released the log jam in my life, and things are flowing again. I'm, I'm kinda going to where I wanted to go. I don't know if that makes sense. Or if it's true. It does, I think. I don't even know if it's true. But I feel like things are getting better.

Look, the last two years in my life have been miserable. I quit smoking, which was like giving up fucking drugs in alcohol. That's the hardest one, man. It was hard. I'm 12 weeks, man. That's, it's. No nicotine, no cigarettes at all. I lost friends, my anger, my rage.

I never knew that I had anxiety. I used to hear a boss talk. I'm anxious, I'm anxious. I'd be like, thank God I don't have that. I quit smoking. I was like, oh my God, I'm afraid of flying. I'm afraid of airports. I'm afraid of traveling.

I'm afraid of crowds. I'm afraid of shows. I'm afraid of headlining. I'm afraid of traveling, I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of shows, I'm afraid of headlining, I'm afraid of everything. I was afraid of everything. And smoking took that away, because I'd go smoke in front of the airport. I'm afraid of dying from smoke, so you don't think about the other fears?

I just sort of maybe. I don't know. I wanted to fucking die young. Let me go. Let me smoke the fuck, let me smoke, do everything and just not worry so to to Deal with that anxiety Took me a long time and a lot of rage came out because that's respect and fear and I'm no good with that shit

Then I gained all I said to myself when I quit the second weekend I told my wife. I'm gonna get really fat again because I can't do both right I need to fucking get fat again and use that as an addiction either that I'm gonna go bang horse yeah you know what I mean I don't want to do that so I got fat that's such a weird thing to say to your wife you go I'm gonna get fat or I'm a fuck horse so you got a choice right now lady my quiz hot shot. My broad knows me. So she, she, she, she,

beautiful choices to make. Yeah. Too amazing. And choices. But I, I, I, I said, I knew that I was gonna come back. I knew, I know me. I know, I said, I don't know when it's gonna be, but I'll be back.

I'll get into shape because I want to be around for the kid. So when I have the kid, that fucking, that takes your world and flips it the fuck upside down, shakes it and then throws it 50 yards. And there's no choices. You don't, you gotta go and you learn to deal. I like I said, I was on O and A today. I feel like I've been in ice and I'm starting to thaw out.

Like I'm starting to become me again like I'm starting to become me again I'm starting to see funny and things again You weren't because of having a quick my creativity has been shut down like fucking jokes or what's funny? My brain is just and it's all anxiety you I can't be funny when I'm fucking in fear. I fucked up. I just, you know, it's like I'm starting to see shit clearer now. For some reason, I quit sugar, I quit grains, I've been losing weight because I,

and that's not a diet I went on too. That was, when I hooked up with this guy, Vinny Tota-Reach, it was. It was so hot. It was, he is hot. But when I hooked up with him But I was like, I'm done. I'm not dining. I'm just out of the game. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm just quitting like drugs. Sugar is a drug to me like cigarettes. If I have to drop up with

a man, do you think I can improve? Well, it make you want to be better people. Kurt, it's I know that I've been where you're at. And I don't know about you because you're, dude, you're one of the most unique, and I'm not saying this is a kiss, you're asking about. But you're very unique. But you're gonna call me ugly again. You're definitely, you're unconventionally good looking. It's a charitable way to put it.

But you're a unique bird. You do, you're one of those guys. Like I know Dan, you're gonna have a kid someday. I know, I know you, not now, but you're definitely gonna leave you jizzin' a broad someday. Yeah, I'd like to do that. You'll be a great dad too. Thank you.

Yeah, you'll be a great dad. You're a great dad, but you know, you're moving on in your life, but you're a relationship guy. You're not a fucking, you're a guy who likes to be in a relationship, even though you're a piece of shit, like me. But, the truth be told though, it really has like my fucking fire. Look, my situation went pretty much like this.

I was in a long relationship. Can you wrap it if you're gonna start it out like that? You're pretty much a relationship. I'm gonna kick it. Kick it. I'm gonna kick it. Give me some old school. Oh, six.

No, three, four. Three, four. Put your hands in the air. Give me some old school No, no three four Put your hands in the air But I was in a long relationship got out of it six months later Met Carla and like a year later there was a baby so it was like it was like sort of that fast and Fuck so you did the young that's like the young way man. Yeah, I was talking about you reaching Listen, I was that's what I was gonna say by. But you I go, we approaching from a very different thing. So I was fucking around very shortly after the baby was born already.

Do you know? Fucking around. But I didn't, but I didn't even, but I'm telling you, I did it in the beginning with such a little remorse. And not because I'm a piece of shit, but it's because I didn't even, I'm young enough that I didn't even think about the ramifications of it. I'm like, well, this is no, it's not hurting anybody. Then I got a little older, I realized it was hurting people.

And then I actually, hurts, actually hurt, I got caught in a bad thing. We've talked about that on this podcast. The greatest thing ever that you, the one I went to, I got an email, go to Craigslist right now and type this in. But you'll never find it as guess from who? No, that's the email I got, dummy.

Oh, sure. And I went and I typed it in and it was this fucking loser leaning in a bathroom with his pay you out. And I saw you a little packer. I was like, we have the same day. Well, him told you to do you saying, I'm out of how Wayne called you, is my favorite pal. You're on Craigslist, when your penis is exposed.

I don't know if you meant to do that. I don't know if that was on purpose, but it is you and it is there. It is you. This is the nightmare dude. Getting caught like that is a fucking nightmare. It was bad, it was bad, see. I got caught and it was a nightmare.

Mine was, I knew I was caught, but I didn't know until I walked up to the door and it's always open and I went and it was locked and then I heard the elevator, and I looked and it was like a horror movie. Just these fucking bloodshot eyes from, just crying for hours and my computer and my phone in one hand and my phone and the other and I'm like

Yeah, do mine was fucking brutal too. Yeah, it was like I was again another one She's like she knew like an hour for and I was just sleeping like a fat little shirtless Having no sweet dream and she is getting all that she's already spoken to the girl My parents like my mom wake up. She's over you with the gun put the cut the gun down Karen It's literally like woke up and she was already like she was already attend to wake up to that so you got to do a lot of those first like Finding out how much is out there already. It's like what I know what the fuck's going on right now goes What's going on right now because and i want to go on you don't know that i think i'd like to and and the bad drunken tattoos you got as a result of that epic trauma right still better than

the ones to rose a planned for the whole of jay just out like the rose i had no trauma this stuff that he did in a of fitness life meltdown uh... is still much better tattoo measurably than Joe's thought out. Crazy. Call his LA friends ago with him. What was that?

What's that? Oh, the Rose is awful. And he always goes to a goddamn LA friend because that's who doesn't judge him. You know, his really? Yeah, Joe is so full of shit. I like it. He got he brought a corporate Dan likes. He brought.

I like the he brought Kyle. Oh, what's he? Yeah, to yeah, who's guy with the beard to coming Cognane yeah, it can a good dude, but he's not the roses friend and I'll tell you why cuz he sat by white derosa got that stupid fucking Not sing no his ghost buzzers on is on yeah, I want to bring a friend with a cool beard with him I know Joe's exactly And Joe wanted to bring a friend with a cool beard with him. I know Joe's exactly I live with him Kyle you're you're on the scene of having a beard Well, you honor me and accompany me to my worst tattoo

He's the notary he's like the You're a hipster notary Could you go and see your magic over the shoulder satchel and pull out a good tattoo? Is there anyone that does it the old island way that I can have this no smoking sign put on my Forrest with a bamboo and a needle and a rock. like, what is this a council of wizards? Like the lady of the forest will meet Kyle. The gray. Kyle the gray will now. Oh, fuck an A. But to go back to what we're saying before too is like that is the. Oh, and fly. I real quick. Kelly for stucas in the chat room and she agrees that Danny alright, yeah, no, I was gonna wish her happy birthday

Oh, is there a birthday? Yeah, happy birthday for today. Yeah Whatever it is in Australia happy birthday Kelly happy under day She said that you're right about the, you never get abandoned when you do a voice. Oh, not on this show. Thank you. That you're right about the gift. That was right. I wanted to add the same atmosphere of Kelly was here and she said it. I just wanted to bring that. Oh, okay. So that's the answer. the five five from the parents that's okay yeah you don't give some you don't buy a fucking iPad mini for you how you doing Rob I do with some fucking their mom

hang on one second I don't think you can take your mom pussy for making me fight that for you That pussy's not worth the fucking new I've had the big one, but I've had many without Wi-Fi If you guys I If you guys want to leave at any point because it you know you get tired or whatever No, let me see you have to be here. No, no, no, no, I just because I don't know if you you're beautiful Kathy over there. No, she's staring stupid back my head. I'm sorry Oh from behind unconventional I've been told but no, I just want to make sure you guys are right That's all I mean if you guys please stay you're more than welcome

But if you guys are like let's get the fuck out here cuz you tired. Oh, I don't know how long it's been But anyways, what are you whispering? My spot time tonight what times you spot no mind. I know what times you spot like 1240. Okay, you're good. I'm waiting 12. Yeah, you're way good. We're almost wrapping up to A rush buddy Anyways, you have the read for hulu plus calm Okay, give me that um Yeah, Verzi like you're you're one of the dads Like the dads of comedy no, but he's a dad. You know what I mean? Like you're a like I feel like I'm a I'm between you and you

You know what I mean? What are you tapping me? I'm like I'm a I'm between you and you you know what I mean? What are you tapping me? Telling you do I'm a different thing. I didn't all that stuff all that like a piphany stuff you had Is happening to me more now Right even though 11 years you're gonna be in she's 11 years old is a big difference Yeah, but I but I think I've been I've done a lot of bad father things But I think I've been an overall like a really present right and good father Still like steal her earrings I'm just borrowing it from my show

You can wear the fingers dad's got a show My hands are freezing You can wear the fingers dad's got a show Dad wears my scrunchie and my Dad wears my hoops Look I've made some mistakes with father assigned Kurt Metzger the role of Godfather you are the Godfather He's actually I'm not gonna pan out for like eight years now curve Jay dies I will build her a bicycle I get through responsibility.

Kurt does. Kurt's great. She loves Kurt because Kurt swoops in once a year and just goes big with presents. I have presents for you. He does the presents, yeah. And he comes up huge. What was the best thing you have in that eye? It's almost like Kurt's fucking Carla.

Oh, yeah, no. I've been in work. Well, you know, the first thing is when I I got our DS because I installed the hardware in her house So I could just give her software as a gift, you know, but established a base of like you got a Recyst of them and now I get off the games, you know, and it makes the gift you need but now she wants that those figurines, right? Yeah, what's a figurine like a humble? No for the Disney the Disney Pixar infinity game these little figures implogue them in and then you have characters in the game.

What? Yeah. It's a kid's thing. So you spend a lot of money on this kid? I don't have kids. I'll show you. So you spend money on his kid? Yeah, why not?

Yeah. That's cool. He swims. He comes up big. He's here. She loves, she loves, she loves, she loves, she loves, she loves, she loves, she loves, I turned down Eric Rivera wanted me to be his kids, our godfather. I was like, nope.

Is it beat of fauncy hair? Yeah. Yeah. Beat it apocalyptic. I wanted me to be his kids our godfather. I was like nope to beat a faunsy hair Beat it apocalyptic teeth Kids birthday, we're gonna place a humanate basketball With a godfather We're gonna Chris and her in worshiping the eagle and the snake We're uh, that's tax. I, uh, yeah, I was like, no, dude, I can't do it. I just,

this was the wave to them off. I know, because I just smash a bottle over his head and laugh with your gags. Good once me a Christian is kid. I'm like, good fellow is fucking. The fellow is fucking. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. The great reference.

That was deep between me. I was not wearing these. I got a crack spot. That was a big cut. That was a fucking great reference. I just didn't want, I didn't listen. I just, I look, me and Eric are very close friends. You know, I really, I really said no.

Very dear to me, but I didn't want the responsibility. Number one, I knew I was having a kid. You dear friends of Eric Rivera? I mean, it's good fun, but I had no idea about it. I do, I like Eric a lot. And you know, as a Mexican, he's going to get shot at some point, and you're going to have to raise that kid. Well, I just didn't, I knew I was having a kid in my own.

I was showing, and then I wanted all my focus to be on my kid. I didn't want the responsibility of that. And you know and go off a bit something does happen I got a fun, you know I know I got my good-looking Regular kid and then I get this little short fucking weird tooth fucking Mr. Bobby Mr. Bobby So sad remember he was in his commercial

Mr. Bobby Yeah, enough beans you get one place You clean up what he's done there Hey, did you shovel you cock fuck Get that leaf blow up put on your back and get those leaves in a pile Your godfather I say What are you gonna say about? Remember this commercial. He was in for the general.

Oh yeah. Do a stand up for the general. I guess is that Coring Sharon's reporter Eagin's or something. And I, because I saw him all the time, I thought, do you wanna get some sweet checks? I said, no, I get no residuals from that. It was like a buyout and he got that one shitty money

for it and they never paid him again. I just see it. That must suck so bad at doing commercial like that where you're on all the time. Everywhere. And you know, no checks are coming from that. Yeah And it's maybe to show this talk, but no, no, no, it really does suck But I mean the commercial was fucking just a Troy. I would never want to do stand-up in a fake stand-up I think pop was did that once too really yeah for like some I think it was like

Maybe a tampon thing I don't remember I think it was like, I think it was like, it might have been a tampon thing. I don't remember, I don't know. Yeah, damn it. Oh yeah, they didn't use it. You ended up not using it.

I don't, I just don't. Yeah, they, she told me I saw it. No, I saw it. Yeah, they, I've seen it. Collabins seemed it. It's Don Fraud.

I just don't, I don't think that I, being a godfather, like Collins, my, my kids godfather. All right, we get it. You got some showbiz. Well, you know, look man. I

Yeah, maybe if I put together a genius one, would you give my kids some validation? All right. Oh, so, so you go. I made fucking who out of all the people that I could have asked. You know, I got Louis. I got Dane. I got Norton. Yeah, but I got I got Keith Robinson. No, super star Keith Robinson. Yo, yeah, you're kid you said bothered me. I'm gonna give you my a. O. L. Account. Yeah, AW. All superstars 30 dollars a month. I'm at no. I'm dwarmen Well, I mean, there's a lot of guys I could have asked You know what I'm outside Steve but

Metzger you know what I'm outside Steve but Metzger I'm a curious Metzger Kirk team Metzger but the Collins probably one of my closest friends if not the closest you don't know what he says about that But you know, no he's the he's like my 15th best friend. I pick it up. I pick up what he calls You know me I mean he's he's one of my closest tears people. tears people. I don't know where I lie on his chart, but to me, if it wasn't, if it wasn't.

You're trying to thicken your head now, 70 people that it might be. Fuck me. I know exactly who it is. It's below Rebecca Trent. He's helped me a lot. Out of all the people in the business, there's been moments of my life and my career. If it wasn't for him, I would have failed in a big way.

He's the guy who told me, I had every other friend in the world saying, let you girl go, you're a piece of shit for life, just let her go and let her be happy, you know, and he was the only one that said hold it down He was the only one that said um, he was the only one that said you should you should try Should go to therapy and try to better yourself and see what the fuck where why you're doing this and try Because at least in six to eight months, if it doesn't work out and you're still a piece of shit and you can't do it, at least you won't regret it. And that's coming from his reality,

because he was married, you know that. He was? A couple of minutes. I thought he was an old man. Yeah, he was married. It's something crazy, quick, I think. Yeah, crazy, quick, because he's, you know, I mean, like I said, he regretted.

He didn't try to fix yourself. He just, okay, go ahead. You know, so he, yeah, he was married, dude. But are you not a clear and, and, and, President Andrew? Like full, like person, if you don't, like if you're just like, I don't wanna try, I like, no, it's fine.

That's perfectly fine too. But rather, rather try and not succeed and go, look, I can't do it, I am this guy. Then to never try and never, I don't know, what if I wouldn't max would never be here? I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have the life I have. I feel like you're making it a very all or nothing like if I didn't try It's like if it doesn't work like I have just doesn't work because like you just weren't that like yeah But you wanted to be with her still yeah

You're gonna let her go because it's good for her, but you break your heart right? It's a little different than if you want to go you separate ways. Yeah, no It's not what you're doing has nothing to do with what happened to me. No, I don't know. You know what I mean? But I think that if I had, and it was, and here's a deal, she said, if you're gonna get help, I'll help you, I'll be with you.

And I said, give me a couple of days to think about it, which is pretty balsy, but it was like, I'm not doing this for you, if I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change for myself. I'm changing for me. Because if I don't do that from the core of who I am for me, it's not real. If I'm doing it for you, it's gonna fade away. It's gonna go away.

But if I really go and try to do it for myself to become a better person, not better, I'll take that out to become that person, which is better to me at that time, than it's real. I'll take that out to become that person, which is better to me at that time than it's real. So that's what I did. I was like, I'm going to really try to do this. How long did you bend together? We've known each other for years, but it was this weird. These relationships get weird because they become habit forming. You with somebody with somebody like dude. I could have been the same situation as you knocked her up quick You know and then get this thing and I just added and fucking blow loads and chicks

Wow, yeah, I just got I like blow jobs I'll need an ass and You need something healthy that might go with me bang other chicks and and I would know banks I'm do not for you you think that's unhealthy that my grocery bang other chicks and and I would no banks on do not for you You think that's a normal not for you. I think I think it's normal for a guy like you You're you're you're a different type of guy. I was never a big getting asked I was always more of a drug addict than that, you know Yeah, then I like I got a get pussy. I'm on the road and I got it You know, you know, you always just laugh me and Joby on the road and would be like

You'd say about you know, we'd say about the Rosa though like like if he didn't score tail Like he would be depressed the rest of the weekend and we were just like we just have a good time Like I didn't have that need to right, you know, I'm not gonna have that need either. I very very much have lost that Drive all to get because I just and I've done it enough that drive all to get because I just and I've done it enough That I really like I know it's like at its absolute best. It's like a semi uncomfortable thing at the end of it all I disagree I've had some of the best oh my god fucking sex I used to love getting rode pussy. I used to love So I used to love seduceing the chick at a club, getting her back to the room.

I used to love, yeah man, I used to love Megan, I was with them, I used to love fucking them, doing all kinds of crazy shit. And I, here's the thing with me, is I didn't have chicks I was banging. I had chicks who thought they were my girlfriend. No mother. But I had a bunch of them.

Because I didn't treat chicks, you know, like, tree so is just to say, man, you know, treat them what they level they are. I didn't, I treated them all like they were my fucking princess. Oh, no, I'm very guilty of that too, but in that moment, and then I stuck in a fucking situation.

Yeah, but, you know, I- You saved a love letter, is that, was that the fucking thing that got me to a couple's counseling that I was lying at And then eventually it was a fucking intercepted phone call I thought it was like a card you didn't throw away. It was go. Yeah go ahead in my wallet and grab the money out Notepaus out As we're doing by the way, that's what that's a funny It was go. Yeah, go ahead in my wallet and grab the money out. Note falls out. And by the way, that's what that's a funny. Uh, in hindsight, especially,

yeah, get caught with a letter in this day and age. No, here's what. No, it is also written in script. What is she in prison? It is, uh, it's a thing. He was doing calligraphy. He's dating Abraham Lincoln vampire. My dear is Jay. It's a decade ago. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,ies, dating Abraham Lincoln, vampire, my dearest Jay. It's a decade ago.

Oh, how the fall has been so brittle so far. I miss, I miss your belly, the way it hovers over your dick. Oh, your fingerless mittens on my breasts. What did those mittens be? Oh, I wish it's like a mix of a sweater and human touch. And the, and the, the ass pimples that you got in the summertime. Oh. I'm sorry for what we're talking about.

I forgot to. I think you were talking about a love letter that got found. Oh yeah. Well, this is a decade ago now actually, but uh, but what was really just funny was, uh, we were getting ready to go to the movies. I remember that. Gonna go see. I'm pretty sure I'm running by this hustle and flow

Yeah, that fucking movie I remember this I remember this day and I'm in the bathroom taking a shit Door closed and it was like hey, I'm gonna grab money for you know blah blah blah like or whatever It's you know whatever to my wallet go grab it and it. And it comes in, and then just silence, and then just, in mid-shit, I'm still shitting, the note unfold, it comes under the door, just comes shuffling under the door, and you're like, and you're like, and you're shitting,

you're like, well, we'll have to deal with this in a little bit, and you're still shitting, it's like you can immediately open the door, be like, arguing, like, no, no, you have time to sit there and be like I got to do a whole ass wiping process Did you do the thing where when you're talking when you poop you did it where you go wait Pooves coming out What did you remember what it says what the letters say?

I do you remember any of it now? I don't remember any of it was your high My eyes my did was I don't was I want to crawl out the fucking window I would have I would have no window I crawled out the window. I went and I just go a new life. I came out and I was like So I guess we're not gonna go to this movie So I guess you don't want to go see hustle and flow. I heard it's really good I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty sure it's gonna win an Oscar. I'm not gonna Laudia didn't see it till DVD. Oh you missed out to You guys get you guys get why why we're broken up now, right? I think he doesn't flow in the theater experience so it's like

Probably honestly got a decade later good rips am I right? I mean come on Nothing more electric than the Friday night it came out in right? I mean, come on. There's nothing more electric than the Friday night. It came out in theaters. And I'm just sitting there fighting a fight for my flandering. Who's that weird white kid in the movie? DJ something.

I said I saw a DVD. I didn't notice colors. DeJ calls. Yeah. Hey, it's aversi though, but you're, I mean, you're the guy. You're a fucking great husband, great dad, you're in love with your wife. you don't cheat, you don't fuck her.

But we fight, we fight. I know you fight, I'm not saying you're perfect, but I mean, you're not Dick Van Dyke, but I mean, you met your girl, you've been in love with your girl for years. How long have you been with your chick for? Long time. Well, we were married, we've been married for six years,

but I dated one dated her best friend, so we went to rival high schools before I even met her. But how long have you been with her for? I've been with her for 10 years, marriage six, 35. So you're 25. How old are you, started comedy? This is 21.

Man, you're gonna have like, it's gonna be difficult, man. It's a difficult fucking road, man. What do you mean? Like road pussy being thrown, if you didn't do it, did you do a ton of road pussy? You did not get to do a ton of it. No, I didn't.

Here's the thing. Even though it was all. I met them and you were a weird chick. Yeah, no, I didn't. And that's, this is a shitty thing to say, but it's just kind of true. It's fucked up. I'll never make a defense for Wise's an OK thing.

Right. Not with that, man. I've gotten a lot of road pussy. Through it. Stop looking around for approval of laughter. That you're just saying. wise as an okay thing. Right. But I've gotten a lot of road pushing through us. Stop looking around for approval of laughter. Now you just say, you know, like those mittens on. And then you cared also.

No, I heard a chuckle and I looked to see what was coming from. I was, I was, I was breathing. No, I didn't, I wasn't looking for it. I just heard it. But I have fucked a bunch of, don't tell me not to look for approval. I need approval. And I'll look for it. Right, fuck you dad too. Yeah, if he wants to look at powder toast and for Powder toast aka Dan Soder

It was in now aka down the middle of the road so much of it was fucking like You know shitty and behind Carlos back be it before married or after marriage a lot of but I did it a lot and It's almost a reason now where I I can say I'm you know, but I'm pretty pretty blunt with you Like I'll tell you like when I go on the road now It is to further sing for my mind is getting some I mean that it really yeah I bring my Xbox almost everywhere. I go. I'm all about like I hope I get weed pretty quick when I get it down And I'm all about like finding a place. It's food is decent enough for me to get late tonight.

And I go like, I'm really dead too. And I fucking hole up dude, I really, because I'm telling you, even when Pussy's presented to me like, semi like, you have to work very little for this. I'm very like, I'll do no work. That's what I'm telling you. I'm telling you, I'm very, I don't even think that I have a problem.

I don't even think I get like the shaky itchy hand unless a girl was like, I'm very, I don't even think that I have a problem. I don't even think I get like the shaky itchy hand unless a girl was like, I don't care if you have to call your chick. I just want to suck your dick for 10 minutes and leave. That'd be probably the first thing to make me go take. You know what fuck me up worse? Not that aggressive shit because that's unrealistic. No, no, it's not, is it? Wow.

I know, I know, you're right, I have. But what I'm saying, what would fuck me up worse is some hot broad, that's my type, which is a little, little skanky, you know what I mean? Maybe a couple tattoos and some fucking titties. What else? What does she do with her mouth? She does like this.

What do you do? What do you do for a gummer? Oh, I'm about to do it. I'll give it a quack. Massage therapists. Yeah, that's probably part of it. Maybe cut hair. Oh yeah, good hair, good. What's her first for a girl? Oh, I'm a bad guy. I was really... I was going to crack. Massage therapists. Yeah, that's probably pretty. Maybe cut hair. Oh, yeah, good hair, dressing.

What's her first husband's name? No, she's never married. She never married. She's like, you never bang her dressers, Bobby. But she does have a care. Of course she does. No. You talk about your family on stage?

Absolutely, but what would fuck me up if she was really into me? Like, I always said to a chick you want to be in my fucking life dig me. That's all you need to do. Just like me. If you fucking like me and you're not afraid to show me that you fucking like me, you're in. I don't I just don't play the fucking gay, the bullshit.

If you just be into me and I'm fucking, I love that more than I'll suck you dick more than all that. Is that, because that to me, I don't have to fucking do anything. And I'm lonely, I wanna tension, I wanna be like that. I wanna be, and put on top of that, some dirty chick with daddy issues. I'm fucked, that's what scares me. But that's so hard to come by, because as soon as I know you bring it up,

like I talk about how much I love my wife, how much I love being a dad. So that really scares off a lot of bitches. Yeah, that was my point. Like if you're talking about your one and a half hours, those are waiting. Yeah, but those are ones that are really fucking. We had this argument.

This is essentially the same argument we have. Now you're going to nod your head with RED. It's the same kind of thing. Is that a wrestler we had this argument this is essentially the same argument we have now you're not your head with already the same thing as a wrestler now is this shitty open my comic that we used to know and he gives himself a fucking nickname yeah we used to we we talked and basically I do in comedy because this is a guy that that well here's why he really said like his approach to comedy was you bully the week he was unbelievable he was he was and he was making fun of him because he was still mad as kickboxing and we're just laughing.

He would always put a, He dedicated his life for four years to Karate and set it like that to, like, He always wanted to fight Jay to prove who the man was. True. But no, but not like let's fight, like like in a Kumite or regular fight. Almost like a, yeah, let's, let's throw in the gloves

and hit the rail. I want to see him better. It's, he's some issue with his brother being the face. Some weird shit like that, like, Yeah, no definitely. Yeah, and he take a look at the gloves and hit the rain. I wanna see him better. He could see some issue with his brother being the face. Some weird shit like that. Yeah, no definitely. Yeah, and he fucking, yeah. We talked about it, but it's the same kind of thing. It's why I say about the wife and shit.

I don't think it matters at all. It's because when we were arguing, I was like, he was like, no, he goes, you know, you make fun of the week. You don't make fun of me. You guys are aren't stronger than me, so you can't make fun of me. You literally said that.

And we're like, I feel like I can make fun of people who are weaker than me make fun of, you guys are on a stronger than me, so you can't make fun of me. You literally said that. And we're like, I can make fun of people who are weaker than me. Yeah, so we're like, it goes, it's more fun than make fun of people who are like fucking the bullies, I don't wanna make fun of the bullies. But you never fully got the concept of that, but I was trying to explain to him,

I was like, oh, why are you comedy sucks? It's because your whole thing's talking about, your thing's like bragging stories, like I fucked this hot chick one, and I go, it doesn't matter, I go, I, any story I hot chick one, and I go, it doesn't matter, go I, any story I tell about fighting, I'm losing, and any story about my dick is talking about my insecurity

about how small it is, and I still have girls come up after the show, even being like a fat guy who sang I have a small dick, like pretty cute girls walk up and they're like, hey, what are you doing? You wanna hang out? Like, it doesn't matter,

they wanna be with like, who does the best? So if you're killing, and 40 minutes I was talking about your fucking all they see is like I want to be around that guy's thing Nothing to do with your wife where you're fucking can you get have your kids and a girl go are your kids and wife staying in that room like Well, I have a room in here too come let me suck you see that would fuck me up breath a shaw Fucking weird print shit those little fucking dirty scenarios if you check and they in that room will I'm in this room I fucking suck it by the door

But that last on it here my fucking kids snore, but Bobby, but here's but here's the fucking Here's the catch 22 there though Really is because in today's thing with comedy what you got to do and you're big on this I know it's like your burping your right here I'm mittening you so you understand for a fact This is big stuff. You're not selling time shares in a rubah just fucking put your hands down I get it. You're a bought one by now. You fuck I would have with the hands fucking island loving cock suck I gotta do an ad real quick and I do an ad, but you want to finish a statement?

Go ahead. Oh, go ahead. I need a hefty bay. Well then go that probably do his ad. No, I to hear the end. What's that might be a product I want Go ahead finishes to wait you got Dan's gonna go to pick a piss now. Well now I for was I Go ahead you again to the point of You figure up you fuck By the way, there's a lot of girls who also are very attracted if you're fucking married and like More and you know Karen she's into older dudes and if they have a wedding ring on that's like a really so she likes me and by the I'm sure well what do you mean like she foggy

I don't know why should I ask her she should I like her a lot but uh she likes guys that are old and listen and there's a whole I like all over facious today is pretty much the only girls that want to fuck with me are her age, like 27, like 28. And I'm into like, Milvie Brothers. I'm not even into like, you know what I'm saying? I don't have any, no, let me tell you something. I know what happened in the last few years.

I know we're a game weight and the shit I talk about. No, I don't have any girls that come to me after shows. But not like you used to be. Not, but here's the thought I was gonna say. I got back to the show. Or am I just saying that so the girls listening will come up to me after the show oh rinkle is it a rink

well i'll tell you what if i tell girl that my girl has me fog of the people that that has fuck me out of fucking other people more than it's got me late because girls are either like without yet they're like you or this seems like a do you know a dark place i think for a chicken for a huge never First of all, you never, you never, never cheat. No, never. No, no, I mean it's sometimes dude, it's hard. But Bobby, you're the whole thing, you have a big thing about.

Sometimes, yeah. But you have a big thing about like you're very interactive with your fans. Yeah. See, I have a thing and it's no good. It's not a good. Like when I'm done a show, like I tend to hibernate in the back until it thins out like a lot. And I don't go out and I think when you kill, when you go out and you're putting yourself out there in front of numbers, so you are going to get, I almost take myself out of opportunities way, but it's not even where I think maybe I hope, who knows, the maturity

comes in, is now though, I used to really want to go out there and get the adoration. Like how my instinct is to hibernate because I do want to fucking get back to the room. I wanna ask you guys, how long have you been together? Put that mic over there. Let's go, I'm gonna give him that mic. How long have you been together? Into her face. Three years on and off. How long you've been fucking an alcoholic?

Since I was turned 21. I was legal. So you guys have been marrying together for three years. Together on and off. so you guys had problems now i left i i was moved to washington dc and he stayed in albany really did that kill you did really did it kill you know i don't want to for my job what do you do for pass a bill i run government contracts

no shit so it was a lucrative opportunity it squads and cedar she's need deep inside. I like it. And why wouldn't he leave Albany? Where's there too much going on in Albany? Don't worry. What are you fucking sweeping up at the egg after comic shows? It's not right. You tell the comic shows earlier this evening. What are you do, dude?

I work for, you don't need a microphone apparently. Oh, no. It's not right. He's the town cryer of Albany. I work for you. You're a great government man. I'm just happy where I am. You make mittens? Yes. He's the town cryer of all but Just I'm happy where I am you make mittens No, I just cut off the tips for Jay. What do you do? He helps people who receive unemployment? Blacks He's a big brother.

But why wouldn't you follow her to her lucrative job? Yeah, you couldn't help. She wanted that black ball. How long have you got settled in that? Almost two years ago. When you moved? Yeah. Dude, how sad were you when you were just alone in Albany and the winter?

Well, he had his parents because that you had me Well, I'm just setting up death camps and see that I had to come see you live You had no sad I was you had your parents you had me and you had the festival of flowers. Yes Baby it's bow hunting season I can't They said they're overpopulated without nothing you want upstate miseries you would say for Albany is the only place where I called the woman a legitimate one. I scored her que no se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido.

No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido.

No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido.

No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. No es una cosa que se lo ha habido. en un vacuum, ¿me can exist? Sí, en un vacuum, ¡me va a ¿Sueñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de posgrado en el extranjero de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate tu beca en Fundación La Caulu.com. Yes, I do. Have you ever used it? Yes. Well, you know what they got now? What? Hulu Plus, Jay.

What do you get with that? I'll tell you what you get. That sounded like you were. What do you get with that? But the way it turns out, it was like you was going to open something that was going to fall. Well, I actually use it a lot because now you can use, watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere.

Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows and acclaim movies on your television or on your phone or your tablet. It's like next day too I think, right? Any show. Right, next day almost. Yeah, so you don't have to wait like a couple of weeks for it to come on.

What's the amount of the E-Mineries say is information? It all streams in HD too, which is awesome. It's HD, which some of those shows and some of the other stuff, other, you know, whatever streaming companies, don't stream in HD. Everything streams in HD for better viewing experience

with Hulu Plus. You can watch your favorite current TV shows, like SNL, community, family guy, which is awesome. I'm really getting into family guy. Very fun. It's getting good again. Goddamn, it's a good show. It's picking up again. You can also check out exclusive content like Hulu Originals, like the awesome starring Seth Meyers, Moon Boy starring

Chris O'Dowd, pass. Not it. And you can all, it also has all kinds of acclaimed films for 799 a month It's a lot stream. Yeah, it's cheap. You can stream you can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want my favorite and right now You can also binge watch shows which I do I just been you know you can want I just binge watch the following What a fucking show good right was a good one. Do you just that you do sons of anarchy? I don't do it You know why I'll tell you why I don't you know motorcycles? I love motorcycles have my motorcycle license

Do you I do yeah? I want one get it you can get on a scooter started again And New York City you can do it on a soda do you go community college somewhere? You go into you go into Queens and you do it on a scooter and start again. And New York City, you can do it on a scooter. You can go to community college somewhere. You go into Queens and you do it on a scooter, you do a figure eight, you start. Is that what you did it? Yeah, you're doing it on a live street, though. So cars are coming.

So it might move. Just call for the car. Everybody panics and fucking puts their feet down. You have to go, cars coming, then put your feet down. You can't just put your feet down because they were like failed, goodbye. But yeah, they don't have a scooter license so you just get they give you a motorcycle license, but Yeah, I don't want to show because when they burnt the kid

That fucking I was like you don't need to do which kid who's kid? Oh, yeah, I don't want to remember in the pit And she was and my wife was pregnant at the time and she's screaming daddy help me And my wife was pregnant at the time and she's screaming daddy help me Amazing seen though, dude, you didn't I just got into it Here's a deal That disturbs me too, man, I know exactly feel I'll be like fuck it. I can't you don't listen Here's the thing you don't need to do that. I get it Throw the flame goes up go to commercial. Yeah, I don't have a cry daddy help me. She's running back or for You saw you saw it way longer than it was it wasn't that it was pretty doesn't matter

I don't need to hear that you did too much you tried to fuck with me wait way too much You have that though, please Thanks, I Do man if I Understand that 100% that's it's too much you Far did I argue with you you'll go to bat for the idea that that should should exist on TV though look You can do whatever you want you can you can light a little kid on fire I don't need to hear the little baby going

Damn it. Yeah, I don't need your girl But is your argument that they're wrong for doing it or it's just not your deal? I don't know, they can do whatever they want, but I'm done with the show because it's like, I can't watch it. I would say because you can't handle awesome, that's cool.

I can't handle that fucked upness. I just couldn't do it. Kids, because of my childhood, I think, that type of shit kills me. Anytime a kid gets hurt, I can't watch that shit. Do you have the same angry feeling towards like sleepers or something like that? Between movie sleepers?

No, when the kids go fucked. No, that's hot. Yeah, that's hot. Fucking talking about that. Yeah, that's fucking hot. Is that Kay Bacon? Why would you do that? Fuck, you have a lot of them.

You have a lot of them. First of all, I fucked them in, let them match on them. Yeah, and Bacon was hot too. It's not like it was a fat security guys is weird because I agree With you about the fire thing that would put me off I Disturbed me too much, but I watched Game of Thrones. I swear to God I got into it only because of the story arc of that guys dick and cut off Yeah, really and I was like I got to know what happened with his dick did it did it did they heard it isn't still on?

Yeah, I love Game of thrones but again it's like it's on for a week and a half and then you get away three years yeah if they know kills me it's like this show me you show me one dragon and i'm like fucking yes and then i got to wait here anybody who wants to detect him is it all yes so good anyways really quick oh hulu plus right now, 799 a month, you can stream all your TV shows. And right now, you can try Hulu plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com forward slash did

for a special offer from my listeners only. So you need to go to huluplus.com slash dude to let them know that we sent you make sure you use huluplus.com forward slash dude so they they you get the extended free trial and Right now go right the fuck now right after you not right now, but later tonight when you're home huluplus.com forward slash dude right now and uh... make sure you check out the original content which i love that these guys are doing

i love that they're actually becoming uh... networks where because the original content i just i just love it coming to the company with big money to come into a big money and that it's more opportunities and what he done balls out to go big budget big to some of those shows girls pretty balls Like Netflix's thing even that it was a shitty show. I started watching the hemlock grove But it was like special like genuine special effects Well, that's the thing if the shows are cuz it's like you watch other shows in a binge on Netflix

So if they can come up with a good one that you just binge watch on this show. I fucking love binge Binge watch that's how I only want to watch it. Yeah, like true detectives one of those things We're at the end of episode one. I was like Fuck I want to watch. I tell you, I only want to watch shit. Yeah, like true detective is one of those things where at the end of episode one, I was like, fuck, I want to watch them all right now. I'm gonna watch it. What a fucking show. You watch it? Is it because we're on a good night?

No, it's on Sunday night. No, so I was like, but I didn't watch it. I fell asleep in the first 10 minutes of the pilot. I love ugly, I love ugly Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, the end, the first episode. Ugly Matthew McConaughey is one of the best, he is one of our fucking great actors. We made a bunch of shitty movies where you're like

Rob, this guy worked and then all, and you're like, you forgot about his cool movies. Okay, he came out, just a great actor and then he lost his hair, got, took off a minute, got hair plugs. Yeah. Right, if you remember that. Came back all sexy shredded shredded did the rom com

She was a ghost or whatever the fuck he was good. He was good in the Puccino to for the money That was really good, but now he's back when he when he now he's ugly. He's getting old He's getting californial When they you know that like they when a california fucking hot blonde falls off They turn into death. Turn to bike. Yeah. I saw it's a real deep and shit.

There was an interview with McConaughey where they asked about that. Yeah. And they were like, yeah, I did a bunch of shitty movies for big money and I made a bunch of money and now I do movies I want to do. Did you ever see a killer Joe? Yeah, that killer Joe was fucking great.

Really good for you. Yeah, that was good. He was great in mud okay. What was all okay watching Matthew McConaughey rape Young girl Fire so much work dude say someone on fire and hearing what's the best rap scene you've ever seen? It's somebody's kid that's hard. Yeah, I mean I just for classics. I'm I always got to go to the accused But if as a rape scene guy Come on Irreversible yeah, what yeah, what about I cut it on your grave now Garbage really but irreversible what about fucking Paris trowse last house last was better

Paris Trowse Last house in the left with the two girls They were no brutal one away But the one the way they made the two girls and the one girl They're so off and I'll ask you and they made the other girl go down on the girl And she this is and the one girl is kind of conflite trying to don't worry. It's gonna be okay Let me just mix a little harder that point. Yeah, when one girl's into it

And then the slow walk in the water What's his name, uh, movie? What the fuck? If you show rape in movies, I know it's not a real rape. So now it's just rape fantasy. Like as soon as I know it's not real, there's no, it's taken out all the emotion. I'm like, well, you just look at that.

And a nickel-scarious movie, the daring move of showing real rape. Nicholas Cate, I don't call it a woman in New York Square. No one warned Laura Dern. She'd be up for a real rape. And when I've got a couple drinks. Nicholas Drake. I don't call it a woman in New York school. No one warned Laura Dern. She'd be up for a real rig. And when I've got a couple drinks. Shut up. I don't think they cut the Lord over the black eye

and her hair pulled out. Yeah, whatever. I don't think they should show. What the fuck, we can't make fun? I don't think what I'm saying is I don't think they should show. Yeah, I want to finish. I don't think they should show a rape like a scene of it if you don't want me to

Jugg off to it like I don't think they should show the act they should just say oh this happened or the aftermath brutality because the the idea of the movies make you feel bad right? The weird part is when you watch a rape scene when you check and you got to put a pillow over your cock my chick likes watching that Show I love your girl, but lots of girls. He's I think there's so My chick I Lots of girls have that don't want to be raped. Obviously have rape fantasies. Well, we're all going to rape your chick. But that's how she loves you. Love that you fucking did that with just like 50%.

We're all going to rape your chick. No, but there's a big deal. Okay, with what I just said, we're all going to rape your chick. Look, there's a big deal. There's a big deal. There's been a fan wanting a fantasy and the actual rape to happen. Yeah, of course. You know, I don't want to rape your chick. Look, there's a big difference. There's a big difference, you know, wanting a fantasy and the actual rape to happen to you. Yeah, of course, you know, I don't want to rape a girl.

I know, I don't want, I'm not into watching a real rape jerk off. Of course not. But if I see Dennis Hopper take a old school Coke bottle and stick it in Barbara Hershey's comfortable behind. Wait, what's that? What's happening? The phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase, the phrase.

Oh, you hear the, you hear the fuzz? No. You hear the fuzz on the thing No He bends her over a desk and sticks it red and her fucking ass Clearly, I'm the only good jerk off to a little girl on fire So I guess I can't gauge the room Hey, come on, you don't say stuff like that this close Do the feast of St. Generos

with people in their families and a beautiful Mary on the half show from the night to Columbus. What was the other degenerate? What was the water buffalo lodge we performed for? We were younger. The Knights of Hiberney. Hiberney, God bless them. Whether your headliner stewed nod.

Oh, Philadelphia comedy was the worst. I listen, guys, we're gonna end this. We're gonna wrap this up. It's late. I appreciate you guys coming in and doing this late show. I know, Jay, you can only do these and Kurt, you can only really do nighttime one too. Not always funny. I'm in the city a lot of during the days now. So because you're homeless. I don't want to fuck up your panhandling. These are James Pearl. I mean, I mean, we can talk. I don't want to fuck up your panhandling Pay but you can give me just like five six bucks, man. I'll come and do

Jersey YouTube man, thank you for coming by brother. Yeah, um, and big J always a pleasure Danny just the fucking man. I love you. You know, I love you. I really do love him and Kurt your Yeah, I can plug my podcast. Yeah, we're gonna go around the room. I want to do a I got plug it Go ahead. Oh resource with Kurt and Sharad Sharad small me. Yeah, I'm a plug, a good. Oh, Reese Wars with Curtin Sharad, Sharad Smolamy, of a podcast, we just talk about racial controversies. And let me ask you a question with that having a topic, because I love this show, because we don't ever have a topic. I never know what we're gonna talk about

until it happens. And so somehow, that's why I love comics, because we're so opinionated, it just goes fucking zig-zags all over the fucking place. But to have that topic every week, do you find yourself kinda getting like, all right, we've covered that, we did this. Now what the fuck are we gonna talk about?

No, I would think that, I would say for some type of... There's already every fucking, like every other day, dude, there's a new like, shocking comments tweeted by some, there's a new like, we tweeted by some there's a new like and now you're sticking out for white people I hope right I don't get a horse I'm having a lot of current is a good area no but what what happens is I get and fights on Facebook all the time I haven't really been Facebooking now

because I got I got PlayStation 4 so that takes me out of my obsession Facebooking but I really loved your Facebook. Well, I'll be on again, but I get in fights with people sometimes, you know? And then I invite them on the show. And then we hash it. So I had this guy from Portland, Oregon. It was a straight up commie, like a Portlandia. I asked him if he was Fred or Carrie

when he first got on the phone. Because you know, these Portland, you know, because I think I'm kind of liberal, honestly, but that's not liberal enough for a fucking Portland twink. You know, you gotta be a straight up Marxist, man. So he called in and we had a whole, and I got him to say that he just wants to make it hard for white people.

Really? Yeah, we were dying, dude. The show ends up being pretty good. And the show ends up good. And the show ends up great at that stuff, too. It was his idea to have the show, because we were arguing about Paul Adin. Right.

And he's like, we should make a show of this, because we can get away with whatever. Right. Because it's an interracial show, you know. Why don't you, I really keep, if I stole you and put you on broadcast, would you do that? Well, I walked into this studio. Dan, what do you know? Yeah.

Yeah, he can't. I don't know. Yeah, where do you get? What do I got? Yeah. I don't even know. That was an abrupt ending because I said if I steal you from you That was weird Stuttering dog Bob Bob Bob Bob. I thought you were just doing some fucking done

Because if you were such a fucking stoner, I told you that I wanted to do a show with you Well, the we ended up doing this was me and Sharaad showed up to stand up and they have a studio Just set up ready to go yeah, and we literally literally do nothing except show up in bladder like it yet. So it was just an easy, I tried to start doing podcasts before and we had to like pay a guy and set some shit up. Yeah. You know, all right. Than.

Ha. I think, uh, what, what do I got? Yeah, what do you got? No, that's kind of zoned out. Us, it's listening to the trash be picked up outside. Yeah. Feb, where February February February. I don't know I can't say the word seventh and eighth. I met McGuire's in Bohemia Then a marcha met the punchline in San Francisco and comedy works in Denver punchline and fucking San Francisco

Yeah, they will not fucking book me really nope Don't know why and no fucking plan a long time We love the room one of my favorite rooms to play the hotels right across the street. It's just a great gig and I can't I have no idea and I love Molly. She's the best. I love the I love a Abe Man, he's one of my favorite people on the planet. I love I love them all they're fucking great people great clubs and Fucking I don't know. It's weird. What do you got Jay? I? Want to know if you guys can bring up on the thing on the computer. How much you look like the lead singer of disturbed in

So much in that picture, man, it's really crazy. Yeah, you know, you know a lot of their songs, like Pro Israel, who disturbed? Oh, that's last time I'm listening to them. Yeah, it's out. Yeah, he's a race war. Until the Palestinian people are free. What do you got? My website, all my dates, bigjcommy.com, Big Jocke, or send off Facebook and Twitter. uh... my website all my dates big j-comedy dot com big jokerson on facebook and twitter and my podcast

uh... legion skanks that broadcast has no interest in that's not true you with a fucking friend of mine's and you yeah i mean you're you know unless something happens between those two things that join i don't know did but i think i'm telling you so they're gonna have the podcast and all podcast screw all is what's it called?

Nothing yet. What's it called hilarious front the back? hilarious front the back That's balls out. I'll do it. Yeah do it so I can fucking go. No, not front the back All the time every second to us it is It's me is us laughing at each other but no words are spoken version what do you got man very cool home he's got a fine I'm going to go eat some you got an hour and a half

yeah all right what do you got uh... i thought i love him uh... version effect podcast and uh... this week i will be at magubi's in Baltimore tomorrow to show Saturday with the fighting youngers Yeah, the youngers. Yeah, the youngers. They have a podcast till the him and his brother who's the youngers the guy Oh, McGubbies, oh, but everybody is a fucking podcast. I know my grandmother has one from the nursing home Is it on your will what's a good amount of listening Bobby? What's a good amount of listeners? Prepes so I'm like oh my podcast is doing all right. I mean look man I would think if a thousand people are good, but you know if you're talking you want money around 50

Gr. Thousand if you want a big money a hundred Oh the best week a week we did 18. That's the best we've done great. Yeah, I don't understand what you've been doing it for a month I'm challenging the numbers on that network. Yeah on their You think they're juice. Oh, no, they're juiced. Yeah Oh, yeah, you guys are fucking absolutely as you guys are just I'm gonna come out of the game. There's another one. I heard it's like 20 something Let me just say something I just look at There's a no I understand it's not right. That's not right. Why now? I've you let you let my guy into the back door and to look at your I

Guarantee if you love to let I promise you I promise you you're off by about 16,000 Here's it. Here's a thing though, but I say something. It's me shirad and then Bill brings Can I listen to you're out of your fucking mind? Yeah, listen to me. I just saw a guy I saw a guy in this effect I looked at his video on YouTube 16,000 views and I went I'm like this is garbage. Yep. I bought them You can buy all that you to views all that you to view buy them Yeah, you buy you buy to get ready for a podcast with 700,000 listeners You get ready for a podcast with 700,000 listeners. You're on top.

Savings by the fucking Bible. You buy them because you show that to an advertiser and you put that out there. Oh, they get 20,000. Where do I do that? Where do I go buy listeners? Not you, the people you're fucking network. You're networks to.

You're a network. Sound cloud or no. You're a network. Dude, stop being such an idiot. You're one of the smartest guys I know. About this or not. All right. But you know the network you're on. Network dude stop being such an idiot. You're one of the smartest guys. I know about this. I'm not all right You know Yeah, so you think they bought the listeners do they're doing something weird dude

There's numbers sound good listen because why if you go to the clips of it online at all like there you go It's like it's like a couple hundred like yeah, your numbers wouldn't be that much of it. When people pull off that network and put the clips of those podcasts on YouTube and shit, the views aren't like, there's, you get a bigger percentage. You'd have 20,000 fucking people on, you'd have at least 10,000 views. We'll lose your backdoor man that will tell me.

I would know. Anybody that knows who runs podcast networks would know. By the way, Mes mescure it was all But you know I'm gonna out but they told me never heard of this Well, when Stan York told me your numbers it made me get bummed out of that Legion of Skanks I was like and someone goes that network dude is like they're buying everybody knows that your network The people running the network is fucking fraudulent because I know and by the way funny dudes But I know two other people to do it. It, but it's not a bad, I mean.

It's 20-some thousand, two words. Like, there's no fucking worth. Yeah, no, I don't average 18,000. That's one episode, y'all. I'll tell you, but now they will start being that, like, very permanently. Yeah, you, you, I know they haven't been. I can't figure out what the hell we did

that made this one get listened to so much. That's when they bought the listeners. Yeah, isn't it? They bought, listen, man. You can buy all this shit to make it look better for advertisers. So when people are trying to say, hey, this show gets this many, this show gets that many, they can show them the numbers, the numbers, and okay, cool, here's a few, there's a few

hundred bucks. And by the way, to say, if you hustle it up, like you can do way better than this, but we've had Legion of Skanks now for over a year, now a year and a half at least, it's not a little bit longer, and we have a couple thousand, and it's been a build. It was like from like 40 people to where it is now,

but like it's nowhere near, like I don't know if people would believe. You're giving them a 40, which is a make a couple thousand. Our first one was 40. Yeah, first one was 40. You had a first one with a shirt. No, dude, I had fucking four people listening to this fucking shit show when I first started, but

I yeah, the numbers are weird, but who gives a fuck? I don't know what good for you. So you think it's actually probably not even possible to have 10 episodes and even get more than That's the exact reason why I know You're out of your mind you would be number one on fucking iTunes No, you're out of your mind. You would be number one on fucking iTunes Would I with that many people other people have like the gates now be listen man. Here's the deal I do for one week you a number one. Yeah, like for you know for some I think your show I think your show is really successful I think it's gonna be even bigger. I think it's gonna grow into something great

And I think the concept is awesome. So I don't think you have anything to worry about. Even if they're fucking helping you out of the gate with some home or shit. Yeah. I think you guys, you're just speeding up the process of where you're going to go anyway. You're going to struggle. Great. Yeah. You guys are great. I love Joe. I don't have a fucking another hour to get into this. I gave the credits. Yeah Kick it to my new podcast called behind the numbers with Dan Soder. We break down podcast. I thought it was hilarious front the back That's Jay and I's this is my solo one. Do you guys have a podcast called back to Albany? What is it? My brother was yeah, yeah, why do you talk like you from the

16 century And that my brother was yeah, yeah, well, why do you talk like it from the Stuka sucks J. Go man Kelly's listening man 1218 is all as well late night with Bobby rape is Relative to culture who said that Mr. Cupcakes I take what does that mean reap is relative to culture if you were an African war one guy says tomato one guy says the water failure to launch their guns in a rape such a house of cards was the shit awesome movie Words of wisdom are you recapping your night?

I'm just reading what the fuck I didn't know you by just a cab passionate Bobby the general ad was I don't know what the fuck I got check it out scope. He was just in a cab. Passionate, Bobby. The general ad was, I don't know what the fuck did he. All right, guys, check it out. Scope, what do I got for dates? This is just terrible. What are we waiting? He had this up 20 minutes ago. For your dates?

Yeah, now you change it. I don't know why you, what the fuck? Just scroll down, you fucking Todd. You can get Bobby to scroll down. It is Scroll down the fucking go to tour now scroll down again Anti-climactic scope oh He's like it's right there over all right

Yeah, just we get him not gonna do now the brokerage in Belmore the 24th and 25th. Yeah, you're the 6th 7th 8th You're at a comedy club on state in Madison, Wisconsin. Oh, yeah, then you're 13th 14th 15th you're at the improv at Atlanta, Georgia. That's a show. I had a cancel because I scratched my cornea Which only show I ever canceled in my life out of injury And then the 21st and 22nd you're at the comedy connection in Providence, wrote out. Just was they asked so much fun. You had a good time. Great. Just sell out. No. I'm there with I'm I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. Were you there? No, I'm there with Gomez. Where?

Louis. Yeah. Was called any fucking made me feel bad because they didn't give him a whole tower room. They didn't. The club they won't give him a hotel room They wouldn't the club they won't give him a fucking it's what the problem or the comedy connection You know it fucking kills me. How did I do you can't fucking throw in you know what I mean? I do preaching the choir here. I don't know. What do you want fucking shit locals all how about this have a good show I'm bringing you a fucking next guy that's coming up a really funny guy throw in the fucking extra night They I mean for what they all I brought Lewis to that gig before and I'll share room with him Oh, he was there before yeah, but what I will yeah, he made me feel guilty

I think I have cousins. I'll stay with my cousins. I think I have cousins I don't think I have cousin. I said he's Puerto Rican They have a perfect circuit for the Gomez and the yellow pages. What a juggle. They come sleep in your car Yeah, I got a really nice new car. Well, let him sleep at it. All right I'm gonna have to tell Matt. It's a really nice car. It's a really nice car though. In Janeose bum law So you have to Bum law Scobo, what do you got, kid? Sounds that fat ass.

Besides wide hips and a fucking... He's just Skopo from the block. Don't be distracted. Besides Brazilian orgines. Skopo looks like those mannequins in third world countries. You know what the really big high ass. Alright, Dan, you have a... Well, again, I'll fucking throw this at you. No, because I was just thinking Scobo has the hips of an Iowa wife.

And then I got to take that band in. Thank you. Leave it. Scobo, what do you got? Put it in your mouth. 28th, I'll be at 11th, he left with who? Shells. Oh, he jealous.

Oh, so Andrew Schultz. Whoa. Tell me why he said fuck his hat. Fuck his hat. Fuck Schultz hat. That Tell him I said fuck his hat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck his hat. Fuck Schultz hat. That's the name of the show. They said this guy just said, Legion of Skanks is good times.

It is indeed. Doesn't get 20,000 like fucking. We had one episode that got 18 juice numbers, Metzger. Yeah, you guys are all unjust, dude. You're the berry bonds of fucking but our numbers are honest. And that's what we bring to the table. I don't't know you don't have everything that our numbers are not honest You're just making a lot of wild jealous

Everybody knows that your numbers of phony say zoom says everybody who knows your network is juicing the numbers Are we I'm I would bet you know just a no bullshit if I if I found out that if we can find out that it's true If we can find out that it's true, if we can do some investigating, I would like to know. You can't do your podcast ever again. You can never podcast. I mean, I guess I could make that agreement,

but who's gonna copy? Am I crazy to say, am I crazy to say? You're on your honor? Bobby. Well, is it crazy to say if you're getting 20,000 listeners to your podcast, like at least half the room when you go somewhere on the road is for you, at least half the room when you go somewhere on the road is for you at least half the road.

I think 20,000 10 episodes in is a little fucking outrageous. You know what I mean? And I think the consistency consistently have 20,000 a couple in and you're not even famous. You don't have a show on TV. You're kind of just you know. Sharad's kind of new to Twitter. I don't know, I'd show you,

he doesn't really do a lot of fights. It's like, okay, here's a deal. I have 66,000 people on my Twitter, okay? If I had, you know, that's like, if you have 4,000 people on Twitter and then you have 20,000 people listening to your show, where the fuck is that coming from? Right.

Because you're only, you're only gonna get maybe 5% of Twitter is gonna go listen to your show Maybe 10 maybe 20 if that you never get in a hundred percent of what you have on Facebook and Twitter What if you're getting 9,000 percent and maybe that would help out all right So we're gonna wrap the show up on Dan's shitty bomb. Yeah, just trying to help guys I want to thank you guys for showing up Jeff fun. I know it was a little fucking late and a little tiring everybody's I love this show You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening

Now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindio aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros!

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