Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Watchable Enough | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #13

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder join forces and discuss their acting reviews, the portal from NYC to Dublin, the worst things they've ever jerked it to, the Unfrosted movie, and so much more. Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz-ep-04-robert-kelly-dan-soder-luis-j-gomez/id371045355?i=1000634076160  SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast  https://robertkellylive.com/  https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/  Luis J. Gomez  https://luisofskanks.com/  https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/  https://twitter.com/luisjgomez  Joe List  https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/  Dan Soder  https://www.dansoder.com/  https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/  Thanks to @johng.wav on Instagram for the intro music. SPONSORS Better Help https://betterhelp.com/regz for 10% off Zippix https://zippixtoothpicks.com/ Use promo code: REGZ for 10% off!  Sheath Underwear https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ promo code: Regz for 20% off  Small Batch Cigars https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/ Use code REGZ for 10% plus 5% rewards points Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Do we put that? Normally we do. I don't know. There's a couple of shows. I don't do headphones. And this is like condom versus no condom. This is, I don't know, dude. Oh, you, you raw dog, you raw dog it with Paul Verzi, but you got to fucking wrap it up with us. Why are we dirty? I raw dog it. I want to rod dog it. You know what? You know what? I like to rod dog it with you guys. You should wrap it up with us. We're dangerous. Too dangerous. Yeah, over over. Paul Verzi, he's got a wife.

He's got a nice life. We're out here. I have a wife and nice life. Yeah, but that's he has a wife and nice life. Yeah, but I have herpes and genital warts. I have warts. You have warts. Had have warts you have warts I had them warts going on right now I love one Lewis big pun What's up everybody, it's Robert Kelly and this is the regs the original motherfucking podcast that she had it all Joe list we got Dan soda. Is it the first podcast ever?

This one that started what Bobby had one Bobbyoda. Is it the first podcast ever? This one that started what is podcast. Bobby genuinely had one of the first podcasts. Louis J. Gomez. The Robert Kelly Show with some Tom's Collin. Yeah. Yeah, it was. Yeah, you were one of the first podcasts. Don't you think I know, motherfucker? Still popular.

By the way, I'm one of the first podcasters. We were both podcasting before fucking Rogan Hammer. Rogan gets all the credit. Both of us literally had podcasts before Hammer. I went to his house, him and Dave Smith on a fucking recorder you could record your sets with because they never did that. Hamroking gets all the credit. Both of us literally had podcasts. I went to his house, him and Dave Smith on a fucking recorder you record your sets with because they never did that.

Jack Russell Terrier just running around the room with dog hair and no air conditioning. Hiling Hitler, we were hiling, you're right. No, the room was tilted. You guys were the first white nationalists. We were the first ones to hile. No, that's not what I was saying. The room was tilted when you walked in?

His apartment was fucking tilted. You remember before, you remember the before times. You remember Lewis's before times. No, that's not what I was saying. The room was tilted when you walked in? His apartment was fucking tilted. You remember before? You remember the before times? You met the Lewis's before times? No, I met Bobby's before times. I used to live in a pinball machine. That's all right. Lewis is the pinball grand wizard.

Oh, fucking hell, man. It's Natalie's birthday. We got to be cool. Whoa, is it Natalie's birthday? Yeah. The big 4-8. Wow. Can't believe it. Wow. Is it Natalie's birthday. We got to be cool. Whoa. Is it Natalie's birthday? Yeah. The big four eight. Wow. I can't believe it. Wow. Is it Natalie's birthday? Yeah. You look, you're younger than I thought. Get out of town. Yeah. How old are you? It's her birthday. And for her present, she has to edit this and put it up the same day. That's right.

Five hour turnaround. So that's what she's doing. What she loves. Yeah. So we're gonna try to be radio friendly. I've gonna try to be friendly on her birthday so she doesn't have to, and Lewis? Don't do it. Don't do it, Lewis. Don't do it. Don't do it, use both hands.

Be cool, dude. Both hands. No! Come on, skip all this, come on. What's up, Joe? Yeah! What's up, Joe, what are you gonna say? It's on you, Joe, go.

I was gonna say, wait, how old are you? You didn't say. 27. 27, oh, the 27 club, you're gonna die. God, you really are wasting your best years. You could die. Natalie. Being here with a bunch of four assholes.

Natalie, I obviously remembered your birthday. I told the whole fucking group it was your birthday. Shut up, don't ruin the thing. It's in the group text. Shut up, stop, stop. Well, no, because I said, oh, is it her birthday? And then everyone reacted like I was being serious, and then Natalie had a disappointed look on her face.

She's not disappointed. That's her face. It's a sad human. She has to work with you constantly. Yeah. I believe you. Thanks. Happy birthday, Natalie.

Happy birthday. Don't worry about it. That was the wife that gets hit going, no, no, no. He just doesn't mean it. Feliz cumpleaños, right? I don't like this. He doesn't know Spanish. Do you thinkpleaños. I don't like this. He doesn't know Spanish. He barely knows English.

You can say Spanish. Spanish. Got him. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis. Pretty live for a white guy. Duele Bagalón. All my Spanish is known from 90's rock. That's it. I'm pretty much alive for a white guy. Duele Bagal. Uh-huh, uh-huh. All my Spanish is known from 90s rock.

That's it. That's it. The only song. Isn't it crazy that's classic rock now? Yeah, I know. Smash is a fucking rules man. Offspring, pretty fly for it. The offspring.

Sorry. Well first it was offspring. Sorry, boomer. They were offspring with Smash and then they added the. Am I wrong about that Cover smash that's one of those better albums. What do they call it? Mandela effect man Fucking down like whenever I think you're funny and then we get together and I'm like, oh that was just a Mandela effect Oh, I thought we were talking about imprisoning him for his race

With you it's the woman Della effect. Really should be. It's like, hey, we are going to put you in a prison because you're black. What's that say? I just wanted to be free. It is offspring. And then they did a shittier album where they're silly. And they called that the offspring. Weird. Wow. I don't even know the band. Weird. You know the don't even know the band. Weird. You know the band.

Name a song, what's a song? Self Esteem. Give it to me, baby. Self Esteem. That one sucks. No, it's the la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. No, it's not so long.

I don't know. It's that one, you gotta keep them separated. By the way, this is all Smash. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's the good album You gotta keep them separated. Oh, oh, oh. By the way, this is all Smash. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's the good old one. Hey man, you know I'm real OK. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- I mean, I was like, da da da da da da da da da da. Come on, Bobby. Gotta keep them separated.

I want to call an ex-girlfriend. That album did fucking rule. That dude still does. Put it on. No, it's great. That? You know what? Don't play it.

She's going to have to edit it out. I remember one time I called 92-3K Rock. I fucking love Bon Jovi. I called 92-3K Rock, and I love Bon Jovi. I called 92-3K Rock and I was trying to. Shout out WXRK. I was trying to, it was really up, it was maybe 12. And I was trying to request, you gotta keep them separated.

And you didn't know what it was called. And I was like, it's called Smooth Operator. They're like, we don't play that type of music. It's so funny. Smooth Operator? Why did you think it was Smooth Operator? Because they said, smooth operator. Pairing in. Did they know? Why'd you think it was Smooth Operator? Because they said, Smooth Operator,

burning. Did they not? Oh, that's embarrassing. They were like, we're not playing Smooth Operator on 93. Who is Smooth Operator? Who is it? It's Michael Jackson.

Smooth. No, no, no. That's Smooth Criminal. Smooth Operator. Smooth Operator. No, that's not Michael Jackson. That's Sade. That's Sade.

Yeah, Sade Jones. I will tell you right now, as a guy that used to work at a rock station that would answer those phones, I would be such a dickhead to people. We're like, it's not what it's called. Boop. And just hang up on it. Yeah, they'd be like, oh, smooth out my ear.

What a fun thing to do. Like, you know, caller 100. And then like everybody- There was never a caller 100, by the way. Well, 92 on 93. Well, no, it was usually like caller number seven or something, and you're just bored and you let it ring for a while. You're slingering. What? You're calling number 86, and you hang up, and you're like, no, it's usually like caller number seven or something and you're just bored and you let it What anyway calling him Brady six and hang up

They never did that No one in radio did that I swear to God I thought I'm 87 You go like this you'd be like, yeah, then she showed me your pussy right there in the club Yeah, you're calling number 26. Anyway, I was like, dude, those lips look a little beat up. Lewis still 49. He still believes that if you call in the next five minutes, you get a discount. Yeah, even though the commercials on all day. Yeah. You know, I got a

bomb down for for what? For just being for you. You can throw it over to him. You know what my favorite thing I gonna do? I'm gonna bomb Danifor. Oh, for what? For just being. For you, you can throw it over to him. No, you gotta laugh. You know what my favorite thing was to do? He was just playing along. Yeah, he was playing along. He yes anded. I didn't think it was funny.

His acting is on point. At the radio station, what I'd do is you'd answer both request lines at the same time and mute your mic, so you'd time it out and then you'd do it and they'd go, give me, and they'd go, give me, play Metallica. He's like, no, please just move down, and they just argue, and it's fucking great.

It's one of my favorite things to do when I was bored. I swear to God, it's bumming me out that, and now that I know, obviously they didn't go one, two, three. By the way, Louis, to make you feel better, when I first started in radio, The first month you did. When I was training, I go, so do you count up to, because KFMA was 92.1 and 101.3,

I go, do you go up to 92? And my friend Greg goes, hell. What the fuck is wrong with me? That just bummed me out. I thought it was an actual fair playing field. And there's probably only 12 people calling. There's not actually 100 people. In a town like Tucson, there's like six.

And you have to go like, oh, you're calling her. My mom won tickets, I mean, at least four or five times. Well, that's because of other things. One ticket. He has a little pale. What do you mean? She sucked him up? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. OK. Oh, yeah, blow jobs. I got those tickets from the bomb for playing along. That's a play along bandana. Oh, dude, there's too many rules to have the bomb down. We have a new. If you play along with a bit too well and your acting is too good you get the bomb dana.

Well my acting is too good I'll just tie it on. Yeah my acting is unbelievable. You want to tie one on after the show? I'd love to. I'll come back. Let's go boys. What the fuck. It's Natalie's birthday. You love this idea. Natalie, Natalie, you can't say you know, the phone Sarah and you go, I have to Natalie. Let me just say, because they're all sober just for a fun gag for one second, think about this. We all get drunk. They have three beers each. Like we're roofing in, um, yeah. Okay. We have three beers. Pussy feels more like a man with a bottle of sun. We lay you down on the table. I love this. And we have a pussy eating. I don't like it.

A drunk pussy eating competition. And you judge it based off of your lesbian experience and you say who eats pussy most like a lesbian. I'll slap on a WNBA jersey. Oh yeah. I'll have three beers and then it's Munchausen syndrome. Natalie looks upset. Yeah, she's upset because there's three alpha males going I'm gonna

put you on a table like fucking Jodie Foster on a pinball machine. Lewis is an alpha. I am the most alpha. Are you out of your mind? You're the not alpha. I just knew you were. Lewis you're being triggered right now. I'm being triggered. He got you Beta got you me the bandana. It's a trigger bandana That doesn't work What were we gonna say something was going on Like a circus champ. You have to eat a pussy going, happy birthday. I'd go, na, na, na, na, na, na.

No, I would hum black happy birthday to her pussy. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na I'd go, men really bother me. You know who I hate is stupid men with penises. The way you eat pussy. Melissa Etheridge rules. That's true. She is. Very good. You spell happy birthday with your tongue. Now you do Felisa.

Navidad? Cababara. Because there's so many L's in it. Whoa. You got a chocolate muffin, dude? Feliz, Feliz, uh, Navidad? Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de, Cabo de Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Let us eat your poop. That's a gag. Three beers in, I want a munch. How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come?

How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come?

How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come? How many times can you come?

You think I'm the best actor here? So are two Bobby three, Louis four. I would say Bobby might be number one. Might be, but he's not. I fucking am blow you away in acting. I am blow you away in acting. Not speaking. Louis can't speak bandana for Bobby.

But that's why he has to read dialogue. Yes. I can't speak my own words. Improv, he's bottom of the barrel. Give me a motion, give me an accent. Give me something. I think, I think, show it. Let's just do it.

Silent and calm. All right guys, anyways. Hardy har. Hardy fucking har. Guy who leaves podcasts. I got a role for you. Guy that goes gets me another coffee. I'm going to go get it.

Look at this. This movie that Bobby's in has 36% Rotten Tomatoes. Damn, dude, I've never. Oh, I thought, by the way, I thought that both 36 were that audiences and critics agreed. This movie stinks. Show us, show us the audience. So we want to rock them. 36.

36, I'm glad I'm out of that shit movie. Pull up the audience score. Pull up the audience score. I'm glad they cut me. Let's take a bet, let's take a bet. Hold on, not yet. Is it under 70? I say no. It's 89.

44. There's Nazi fans all fucking wrong. I say 44. I say it's up, dude. 44. 98. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. That's gonna cut me defending him from all my old pod. You gotta go back. I'm going back. Natalie, that's your fucking job and you can use

AI. Wow. That's cause of the loo. Can we see the tomato reviews from the people that didn't like it? Yeah. Read them up. Bring them up. Yeah. Bring them out. Bring them out. It's been long enough. Probably been long enough probably no no no Robert Kelly's acting is subpar Carla hey says that comedy drama fourth of July I can't decide look at all the guys we're reading no tomatoes are the good reviews you want the splatters go up go up he's reading right damn it who's doing Danny why do you like Danny's so much I love he's every day every time I'm on Fucking Danny. Why do you like Danny so much? A nice surprise.

I love Danny. Every day, every time I'm on the phone with Bobby, he's like Danny's the fucking best. He's got ideas. He's great. I've never seen Danny not fucked up. Danny's just scrolling. It just pans over to Danny. Danny, Danny, give him one of your ideas.

Louis, you just pan over to Danny's like this. Danny, Danny, Danny, give him one of your ideas. Some of these positive reviews, look at this. Hold on, we're not reading those. The comedy drama for the night. Can't I do it as a black woman? Can I tell you why Danny's fucked up? Girl.

He's scared of you because you fucking scare him. Let's do this first and then I'm going to explore why Danny's afraid of me. Good idea. Why are we all afraid of you? Way to give us a run- Because you're all racist. Way to give us a run-down. And yes. We're all terrified. Soder has 60% rotten tomatoes. Soder has 60% rotten tomatoes. Soder give us a run down. And yes, we're all terrified. Soda has 60% rotten tomatoes. Soda what? What? Soda has a 60% rotten tomatoes.

Oh, that movie stinks. It had to be you. What movie was it? It was like a horrible rom-com I did in 2015. I never even heard of that. But it's way better according to the critics than the Fourth of July. It's crazy. Twice as good almost. Go back to the Fourth of July, David. And I'm gonna tell you right now, it sucks ass. I'm ashamed of it. I'd rather have done gay porn. Well, you didn't have a social pariah at the helm. Look at this one.

A genius social pariah. Brilliant. Hold on, we're not doing that. Mmm, girl, the comedy drama Fourth of July, I can't decide if it wants to be offensively edgy or effectively sentimental. We didn't try to be edgy and ultimately fails at being both Wow girl this is boring that's pretty good now cliche is her cousin cliche hey cliche hey you can hear me good

Mick Allen says a forgettable indie side from who directed it. Oh Her sentiment and its existence It means that it exists take a walk and there's that In the end 4th of July tries for a night of fireworks and winds up with a few duds in the mix I'm pretty much by the way guys. I'm sitting with the two duds I wanted Barry Allen back simile Barry and he's a top critic known Jew Barry hurts says I'm sitting with the two duds. Barry Hertz. Back to Simile. Barry, and he's a top critic. Known Jew, Barry Hertz says.

He goes, I've watered down Woody Allen for Simile. It's long on F-bombs and short on wit. With an internal logic that falls apart with the barely half-cocks plant. What do these Palestinians want us to do? That looks like Joe DeRosa. Is that his pen name? Yeah, Joe's jerking off writing. Look at, here's a positive one. Watchable enough, despite its aggressively meandering sensibility.

That's a fucking mean thing. That's pretty good. Watchable enough. Yeah, I don't know, you could put it on and get your dick sucked. Oh, I'm just making me so happy. Whoa, the self-Confessional delivers. I had no idea how much this movie was aided by people that know movies. Paul, what? This guy doesn't know movies.

He writes for original sin. Read Patrick's, read Patrick's. It's like original sin, like sin, but it's actually sin of a. Read Patrick's. We're sin of a. Well, this is a good review. Hollywood Chicago.

And he says, the Self-Confessional delivers his jollis tells his story to CK The lead up to its conclusions is interesting enough to anticipate redemption with family situations Sometimes resolved and or unresolved Advol but intriguing just like listen CK. I was paid heavily to write this just like Liston CK, I was paid heavily to write this. Pull up, what's that? Weak family dramedy should make you wanna fight, Dennis. Weak family dramedy. Damn, dog, get that on your chest like Finnebitt of Ichi.

That's how I would describe Joe's actual family. I would say weak chin, but not family dramedy. This is weak chin family. Ah, Joe. Dead grandma. Dead grandma. Dead grandma. Woo. Wall Street Journal. Just by chance, do we have the Wall Street Journal review?

I'm going to read a fucking whole review from them. Oh my God, dude. Fucking dead grandma. Wall Street Journal, an actual paper you've heard of, not Chicago Hollywood. Yeah. By the way, Chicago Hollywood gave you a glowing review. They love you, dude. Original sin. Don't turn on the guy that

fucking praise you. I don't know what you're looking for. It says one of the best films of the year. Could you just scan and find that sentence? It was during the pandemic and then they did an update and they said after Mr. CK's check didn't clear, we've read this. Aw. Louis J. Gomez highest rating not available, lowest rating not available, birthday not available. It's April 1, highest rating, not available. Lowest rating, not available. Birthday, not available. It's April 1st.

Birthplace, not available. Parents, not available. Aw, girlfriend, not available. Ha ha ha. Emotional intelligence, not available. This is what his agent says every time he calls him. Ha ha ha. No, my agent says, available, available.

He's available, God. Please, give him a whole calendar, baby. Wide open. 90% audience score. That's really something. It's crazy. We're going to cook this good on this, and then you're going to have to go do a real-ass podcast.

Can I ask you a question? It's going to be like fucking everybody. What is that? You're individually on Rotten Tomatoes as a person? No, that was a movie. No, that was under his, if you're an actor. If you're like an actual actor. Bring my name up.

You're probably on Sex Short. Yours was the same as Joe's. Bring my, is mine up there? Yours was the same as Joe's, it was just for 4th of July. But you're in other movies, you're in real movies. Not that our movie's not a real movie, but it's, you know. It's an independent short. It's not a short, it's a feature.

It seemed like a short. It was 90 minutes long. It's not a short, it's a feature. It's 90 minutes long. It seemed like a short. What, did you leave? Bobby, you're great. You're great in the film. You were amazing. Louis was good, too, but. Louis was fucking great.

Louis's scene is. Soda wasn't considered. No, not even. 36. Oh my God, Bobby, that picture makes you look like a director. Look at, oh God, why the fuck did they gotta use all that shit?

Yeah, that's mean. That's shitty. Well, that's what I was in the movies. Yeah, but you looked better than that in the movie, even. It's a bad photo. What is that? Oh, look at this. Lust for life. Wait, you're in that movie that was great, though.

You got to have them update this. Be a man? I will say the truth about Santa Claus is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen in my entire life. What was it? It was a Santa Claus movie that Bobby played Santa Claus. He was a star. And I showed it to James Bobby played Santa Claus. He was the star of it. I showed it to James, and James was so young

that he really liked it. He was like, he really loved the fact that Max was in it and Bobby was in it. This movie, bring it up, dude. Whoever wrote this movie, and I mean this, kill that person. That person should be dead. Bring it on YouTube, wherever we have to find it.

It is the biggest, I've never. Here's when I knew it was bad. It's horrible. When I said, do you want me to do like a Santa Claus voice? He goes, no, no, do your own voice. I go, you want me to be a Boston Santa Claus? Yeah, yeah, dude, listen kid, you're fucking bad. Dude, dude, dude.

Dude, dude, no, dude. Dude, Mary did, Miss did. What are these fucking cookies? They suck. I sat down to watch it with Don and Max and they wanted to shut it off. That's so funny They actually they paid Bob. I'll give you money to buy it. What we're gonna do watch the movie No, it's a trailer. I want to watch some of it. I will give you it's horrible

It's a friend put your money away. All right, good. Also who carries cash in their pocket you child cash is king What about out of the Soderbergh movie? That movie's great. That movie made a lot of money. Aaron Berg and Dan Soder made a movie? You're feeling nice Soder. I'm not joking. Yeah look at this black lady. Be racist to the black lady. Do it Puppet. The Soderbergh movie. Yeah people think it's deep. Soderbergh movie. Yeah, people think it's deep. It's Soder doing my, bringing my jokes to life. It's a good bit, dude. So Joe, how about you? I like the bit. No, no, no. Joe doesn't like our bits sometimes. And then he completely checks out mentally, physically.

But you know who watches? You watch his face, like look off into the distance. Like, you know who does love it? Who loves it? The people. The beeps. Um, yeah, he really does. What do you want me to do? Like a kid, like a kid getting my last name I'm a comedian he just looks away he looks up at the light like a kid yeah dude it's so to burn I liked it so so the soda book shot the movie with an iPhone and the whole movie was done with an iPhone did you feel like you were being trolled the first day the first day of shooting the first day bad idiot. They sold it to Bobby like it's a good thing. Like, yeah, it's on an iPhone.

That movie's terrific. The first day of shooting, we all went into the thing, like a regular movie. Rolling. Exactly. He climbed. This fucking idiot. He thinks he's in a Soderbergh movie.

Soderbergh climbed the ladder with an iPhone and he went action. And I thought he was just doing a test something and then he goes, okay, that's good. And we rapped for the day. What the fuck was that? And I was like, what the fuck's going on? And they're like, oh, the movie's being shot

with an iPhone, the whole thing. What was that? That's why they wouldn't have told you that before. They didn't tell, they didn't want anybody to know. Is that the movie Lust, Life, Love? No, it's called Unafraid. Unhingraid. No, Un. How did it look? Un unfunny. It wasn't a funny. It wasn't a comedy. No, it's called. Hold on. I'm going to unhinged. No, it's not unhinged. It's like a pun type of thing. I think scroll down. I'm surprised you

were up there for when you were on Louie. Danny, scroll down. Which you were awesome in. Well, TV is down below. I mean, Danny, can you fucking scroll down? I'm trying to find you in the movies. I think it's unhinged. Yeah, look at Louie. Not unhinged, it's unafraid, un- No, it's un-something. Dane Cook's tour-

Unpack. Spoke, uh, Pull up Steven Soderbergh or whatever. That movie- Guys, can we see the Santa Claus movie? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. One thing at a time. Yeah, guys, we're freaking out right now.

It's fucking 10 in the morning. We're freaking out. We're all fucking juked up on coffee. Oh, yes. I want another coffee. No, that's... Godfrey. Godfrey was in it, yeah.

Okay. I mean, it's shot decent. No, it was shot bad. No, it looks beautiful. It looks good. No, it was a shit movie, dude. I thought you were the lead. I haven't seen you yet.

We're fast-forwarding the whole thing. There is no redeeming qualities for this piece of shit. Keep going, dude. There's not. I thought you were the lead, I haven't seen you yet. We're fast-forwarding the whole thing. There is no redeeming qualities for this piece of shit. Even Max wasn't good in it. Don't tell him I said that. Damn dude. There I am, go back, go back, go back a little. Oh hell yeah.

Is that Racine? Yeah, he's like, ah hey, Deb's pissed. Can you bring my kids some gifts? Deb's real mad at me. There we go, right there right there this is bad. I don't want to watch this. Oh, yeah, bring it up Are you the snowman? Very look at him look at old st. Nick. They let you wear your actual glasses You got a mic you better. Yeah. It's a piece of shit.

I don't know. So, I mean, I'm not following. What do you mean you're not following? Things happen for a reason. Look at me. For a reason. You say I ruined your life. Bob had barely rehearsed these lines.

I think you're great. Yeah, Bobby, I'm, I'm, for a reason. I didn't want that, I didn't ask for that. It wasn't like I was sitting there being like, hey, I want more kids in my life. This is great. Yeah, Bobby. I'm for a reason This is bad Cheap Santa suit look at the ball like hanging down fucking shitty.ittiest. You're a child blesser, aren't you? You're posing as Santa. It's so funny. What would the fun be in that? Fun. I like it.

I like it too. I think you could have used the ho ho ho right there. Look at that, it's falling apart. No, I'm not gonna have to say, you need to fix this. Bobby's reminiscing right now, he loved playing Santa. I played Santa twice. You did? What else were you in Santa? Who else were you?

I played Santa in the movie. What's the movie? Was it Santa Claus? No, Vince Vaughn. It was, uh. Fred Claus? Swingers? Play Pigeons?

No. It was, uh. You know The Purge? They did a parody of it. Yeah. Called, what was it called? The Surge? They did a parody of it. Yeah. Called, what was it called? The Surge? They did a parody of the Purge.

It was called. Purge with a Fat Guy. No. It was the squeeze. No. It was the second one. I did the second one. Nick Schwartzen was in it.

I played Santa Claus in that. Hey guys, let's take a break. Joe and I have murdered Bobby and Lewis because we were just so excited to tell you about sheath underwear. Summer's coming up and you don't want your nuts to be all hot. No you don't.

You want them to be all nice and cool. I love cool nuts. We love, I don't need a fucking read for sheath underwear. Let it, dude, go acapella. Robert Patton, Iraq veteran, why'd I say that weird? Iraq veteran, a buddy of ours. He's at every skank fest. All I wear is sheath underwear.

I'm not wearing them right now. I'm doing a load of laundry. But I hate that I don't have the sheath underwear on. They're the best underwear ever. They're so comfy. I have a pair of sheath underwear, and I love it. And it is my favorite. It's my favorite to wear out on hot days.

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That's the most I've ever felt like a tag team. This should be a show. Yeah, this should be the show. This should be the show. We don't need these fucking idiots. Yeah, let's go back to these bumbling fools. Gound rules. I played Santa Claus twice in one year.

What is your problem? Joe. You. Whoa. Why What is your problem? You! Why is he a problem? It's a bit. It's a funny bit. He's trying to think of some shit. I acted well. I acted well. Give him the Oscar bandana. What's your problem? You got a problem.

I got a lot of problems. If you got a problem, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. This is how usually how gay porn starts. Punching each other in the shoulder and then the next thing they know. This is how usually how gay porn starts. Start punching each other in the shoulder and then the next thing they know. This is how we know Dan's never watched gay porn. I did a radio show with Jay for eight years. We watched a lot of gay porn.

A lot of gay porn. I mean, Jesus Christ. A lot of gay porn. Why don't you guys just tell him no? You know, you say it. You try saying no to him. I say no to him. Would he try to spread gay porn on skanks?

I'm like, no. I go like this. No. It's how I'm saying no. I would he tries to bring up gay porn on skanks. I'm like no No, it's how I'm saying no You say no, but you really mean yes That turns me on no, it's my favorite type of no. Oh Jesus Christ Louis don't not on film Mine is like screaming no like kicking and screaming That's hot oh my god, please no like, I gotcha. That's hot. Oh my God, please no! Like, I'm really, that's why. Have you ever watched Gay Point?

Of course. I watched it before I came here. Are you kidding? What do you think Fourth of July was? Or his tumps. I did a jerk off. What? To, hold on.

It's Natalie's birthday. I didn't come, I didn't come. Oh, okay, nevermind, you're not gay. You kept the genie in the bottle. Yeah. I, to a woman blowing a trans woman while I fucked her. Can I just say something? Wait, what?

Are you fucked her? Well, like in my, the fantasy, it was point of view. You are so progressive. Go off, queen. She was sucking off a tranny and I fucked her. And I looked at, in my mind, I was like, look at that tranny, wow. You go, man, if I had tits,

I'd be a hot. I mean, I was like, then I started losing my erection because it was a train. I would have jerked off to some hot young girls, but I did maintain for barely legal babe. Yeah, dude. You just were pedophilia. What's the worst thing you ever jerked off to it? You can children. What? Come on. Come on. Come on. Their face. Their little tight faces. Oh, their tiny hands.

How do they pick up that remote? It's the most fucked up thing I've ever jerked off to. I mean, probably. We all jerked off to our moms when we were kids. No. What? No, no, cut. Edit.

Edit. Edit on the fly. Fix that. Go back. Natalie, please. Erase my friend's brains. You guys never jerked off to your parents like when you were a kid? No. No.

What? Oh, you know, you go get your jerk blanket and you sit outside your mom's room and she's just absolutely taking it. Not your mom. I'm talking when you're like seven or eight and you hear them fucking. I had a sex dream about my mom when I was...

Ew. Whoa. I was kidding. We were all doing jokes. Oh, God. I was acting along with it. You know what? You're lucky we got that whole thing going on. Yeah, I was feeling a bit. You're God. I was acting along the lines. You know what? You're lucky we got that whole thing going on. Yeah. You're like, I'm a good actor. That was convincing. You always have to have a step...

No, I really did have a dream about my mom. What? Well, your dreams, you can't help. I, uh... Yeah, well, no, it was a... I can lucid dream, actually. I went there. I flew to my mom's room. You went, I wonder what mom's doing. You flew. You flew.

You flew. You flew. You flew. You flew. You flew. Mommy, get those big tits out. What do you guys imagine flying? Do you imagine your hands out like Superman

or your hands to the side like a bird? I think I run and I go. Oh. Like one fist? Yeah, absolutely. No, I actually imagine mine are flapping. What? The lamest way to fly in a dream.

Bob? I'm really fucking tired. I fly with my hands by my side. You go like this. Oh, I like that. He glides on his tit meat. Yeah. Like the rocks here.

Like a flying squirrel, his fat just. I think I'm like a... This fucking hurts. I don't know, I kinda like wings. That's the gayest. That's an airplane. That's like a retarded kid. You go, look at me flying.

I'm an airplane. You have one of those little spinner hats on you fucking tard. Everyone says I was special and I was. You gotta say something cool, you gotta go. That one's the most patriotic. Yeah, you gotta go like this. That's a heil. You gotta go, no, you gotta say something cool. You gotta go. That one's the most patriotic. Yeah, you gotta go like this. That's a heil.

You gotta go, no, you gotta go keep that pussy in your pants. That would be funny if you could fly but you had to heil to fly. Yeah, you went, don't make me say it. Flyil. Flyil! Flyil Hitler! You go, I know this sounds weird but this is how I have to start my flying engine. Fly, fly, fly. Zig fly. It's a Jewish building. Yeah. Just starts setting on fire.

The heaps are in the walls. Whoa. Come on. What's the craziest thing you've jerked off to? I just remember this really ugly lady in like a cassette porn where I was like, her tits were like gross and I was like, her tits were gross, and I was like, I can come to this. She had a really hairy bush

and this purple lingerie thing, and I was like, dude, this is, I would've, my initial instinct was fast forward, but then I was like, no, I can fucking get off of this. Did you do it? I would jerk off from those. I thought she was my math teacher who was gross. And then I was like, ah, fuck, I'm coming so much.

So before internet was like, I mean, the internet was the thing, but this is before like streaming porn was the thing. So when I first moved to New York City, days before 9-11, going to Baruch College, right, I would get off the bus at Port Authority. I would get off the bus at Port Authority, and right there on 42nd Street,

there was all those little girls. Peep shows. But it wasn't even live girls. It was simply. Movies. It was an Indian guy, the same guy who owns like a fucking, like a place that sells like Kratom and fucking CBD now, that guy had a mop and he just stood in the window

at a place where you would come in and you'd put a dollar in and you'd be able to like go up and down. A, B, C, D. Do you think that guy got to the point? No, there was like 50 channels. Yeah, oh, they had the A, B, C BCD and the one, two, three, fours. Yeah, so there was like different channels on. So you're going to four different like, it was like, it was essentially like the same

way you would jerk off the porn now. There was all the variety, but you'd just get in a fucking journey in there and you're feeding dollars in, touching your dick. But they could hear, you had to be careful because they could hear it outside what you were jerking off. Oh, I used to come onto the window specifically knowing that he would have to clean it up. Do you think you ever? That's Melissa Edwards song. Come on my window. Do you think? Do you think he complimented like after a while do you think he was like that guy had a giant load? Like, he was like happy about it? He was like, look at that.

You're really carrying a ball bag with you. I'm surprised you could get those jeans on with how big those balls are. Oh, you put that venom all over my wing. Look at you spitting snake. We're calling you Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. That's how I got my name. I didn't expect you guys to go into Indian voices

when you brought up an Indian guy. It was surprising. Wow, the water anymore. Don't fucking. It's a bit of a race brought up an Indian guy. It was surprising. Wow, did it water anymore? No, don't fucking. Well, it's a bit of a race. Don't do the bits, dude. It's a bit of a race. I feel like when alt Joe comes into the table.

Yeah, old 38% over here starts talking fucking yim yam. 90% audience. That doesn't count. It's not the critic who counts. Paid for and boughten. What's the craziest thing you jerked off to? It's gotta be crazy. You're the craziest at the table. What? Yeah, you're the craziest thing you jerked off to? It's gotta be crazy. You're the craziest at the table.

What? Yeah, you know. I'm the craziest? He threw an egg at my car. What the fuck is that? Hey, loco de Luis. Yo quiero Taco Bell. That's fun.

Come on, home. Get in, the water's warm, Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yo, hey, yo, go, go, yo. That's fun. Come on home. Get in, the water's warm, Joe. Um. Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. That's Chinese. Well, whatever, it's a voice. And listen, the thing about voices is it's timing. You gotta wait till they say Chinese. Yeah.

There it is. I jerked off, I don't know, well, scary Sherry, I would jerk off to her a lot. Who wouldn't? She always had glitter on her tits. Sherry Martel, she was a manager in wrestling. She was very hot. Sensationable.

Sational Sherry, scary Sherry. She was really hot. Queen Sherry. She always had glitter on her tits. Sherri Martel, she was a manager in wrestling. She's very hot. Facial Sherri, scary Sherri. She's really hot. Queen Sherri. She always had glitter on her tits. Sherri is the name of a fucking pig. If you're listening to the show, Sherri, that's crazy, dude. Can I tell you something right now? You fucking whore. Go back to Margaritaville, pig. Can I tell you something that's dead honest? Yeah. Name of the woman that gave my father hepatitis C. I ended up killing him. No kidding. Sherry, dude. Sherry's the name of the fucking.

It was Cheryl. Yeah, you know, Sherry for short. That's not a porn, that's just a girl. Oh, a porn? I don't know. Let me, I don't know. What is your thing? Nobody wants to hear my thing.

No, but we're going to. I'm not a big porn guy. What do you read magazines? You read those novels? No, I'm all... He briskly took her into his arms, and Joe goes, it's fucking heating up. Sarah's gonna get home soon.

Joe likes Lady Chatterley. You like period piece porn? From the courtyard, he could hear her whisking away in her dress. Joe goes, I was trying to fight the funny. What I did just dress. I was trying to fight, what I did just now was I was trying to fight the funny. I was trying to see how long I couldn't laugh at this bit. I was holding off.

In solidarity with Joe, then Audrey. The Audrey woman walked up the stairs, and she goes, I'm fucking getting hot over here. I'm fucking, what a page turner. As Lady Charley entered the mansion. She felt Randy. Oh, fuck. I like a big black guy fucking a small woman who's my wife.

Well, I watch and jerk off in the corner. Yeah, like the ones where the husband's like tied up and he's got like a sock in his mouth and he's like, Oh, fucking a little cockatoo over here. Yeah, like the ones where the husband's like tied up and he's got like a sock in his mouth and he's like Fucking a little cockatoo and a cockatoo over here. They shove like a shoe in his ass. You know, they tape his balls down I don't watch porn. No, I'm saying if I did something that I would do lives it that's actually just weekend. Yeah That's the kind of thing. I'm I I like that I like the my favorite one that I watch is a chick how to pay the gambling debt of her husband. Oh, that's fun and The four Russian guys you like danger and gangbangs like a little I like a little debt

No, it make me eat my own cum what you know, I mean Hold my hold my ankles up and jerk me off into my own mouth. You know Use yeah, I get it. Yeah, you don't. No, I don't, but I'm trying to be his friend. Like, what do you call that when they strap one on and just put it in the ass? Pegging? Yeah, pegging, Peggy Bundy. Pegasaurus Rex. Yeah, he likes getting fucking head.

You've had stuff in your bum. No. Dude, let me tell you. But I like the idea of it. I just got my prostate checked. And you came? No, but he pushed pee out of. But I like the idea of it. I just got my prostate checked. And you came? No, but he pushed pee out of my ween. Oh, that's not pee.

Yeah, it is. That's prostate juice. That's pre-cum. Yeah, it's prostate juice. No, it was piss, because he said, he goes, oh, did I push some pee out? Yeah, you did. I don't like that.

Yeah, I didn't like it either. He checked like he was looking for a quarter. I was like, put it back in. And he goes. What'd you say, checked like he was looking for a quarter to pay for it? Yeah, he was going a quarter. I was like, put it back in. And he goes, What'd you say? Check like he was looking for a quarter to pay phone. Yeah, he was like, oh, like this was like, all right, guy, listen, it's either good or it's bad.

How old are you now? 40, about to be 41. My dad is 45. My dad had prostate cancer. My dad died at 26. So I will get stabbed. I know. But but my father, maybe I should go because my dad might have gotten prostate cancer at fucking 40. I don't have a better system yet. I don't I call an optoscopy Do they do blood work now? They don't have to check you getting your ass fingers by a doctor That sounds like the best system of the world

The funniest is when you're braced and then he goes put your butt out more and you go. All right Why didn't you go to a lady doctor? Because my general practitioner is a man that's gay. It is pretty gay go to know I wouldn go to a lady doctor? Because my general practitioner's a man. That's gay. It is pretty gay. Go to a woman doctor. No, I wouldn't want a woman doctor. I need a man doctor. Dude, I had a Russian lady.

Female therapist, male doctor. Yeah, their fingers are too skinny. They can't check. Yeah, I have any girth. You need a guy finger. And I go, throw three fingers in. Come on, it's almost the holidays. Sorry, are you in yet?

Are you in? Deeper. I go, oh, sorry, I had a little party at Fire Island. Might find some snacks in there. Have you gotten the colonoscopy yet? No, but I've got an endoscopy where you go, you sucker cock. When they only do local anesthesia,

you make that noise, you're like, ah, ah. Oh, you know what porn I do watch that I'm really into? Oh, yeah. Is, IRL, Ireland, is reverse bukkake. That's what I'm into. Oh, reverse gangbang. One guy lies there in the middle of a fucking room and all these girls come squirt on his face.

That I am. That back in the day I was into. Yeah, scratch and sniff. Have you ever done that but virtual reality version of that? No No, Joe, I might just fucking buy you an oculus. Can you bring one in by the way on the next episode? Can you bring one in and can we watch it? I guess here's the problem is we all The old oculus doesn't like work and I only have James's now it works kind of like I did I cracked it out recently For a nice virtual reality jerk sesh.

Shoot, Single Lewis was like, let me get this fucking beat off. Just fucking. Single Lewis. I do love a virtual reality jerk sesh. I've never done it. But don't you find, I'm not. It's, it's, it's.

Katie's gonna be like, why are you taking three bags on the road with you? And I go, just don't worry about it. It's too awesome. I took it on the road once. I sat on the couch in the hotel, fished for like two hours, and then I jerked off. Yeah.

And you feel like. Can you get sucked while you fish? You find yourself like this. No, but that's in a perfect world, Dan. They haven't perfected the technology sings? It goes, have yourself. It's spaghetti going along. You go, oh, oh, Bassey. Oh, Bassey, you fucking little bitch.

Virtually out of porn, they actually talk to you and they're right in your face. Yeah, they whisper in your ear. They come up. You'll be having a threesome. You'll be having a threesome. And then the one girl, she'll be sucking your dick. The other girl comes over you and they go, hey, man.

You go, Jesus. Hey Hey man, you need help? Whoa! Wait, this is real? Yeah. They whisper right in your ear, she's like, how does it feel? And it's in the right ear. And there's like, they've like air things, dude.

It's fucking intense. She goes, kill your congressman. The Jews are responsible for all the wars. You'll be forever famous if you kill Joe Biden. From the river to the sea. Oh my God, guys. No, virtually, it's almost too good. I had to stop doing it.

Really? You'd better let it go from being Spider-Man and just fucking shooting around on buildings and then just shooting all over Tits. Come here, whore. You know what I did do though? I have the mini projector and I took it to a hotel and I shot it on the ceiling.

That's sick. So it was a hundred inch screen on the ceiling of the hotel room. Damn, I didn't know Gianna Michalsky could get that big. So you're just jerking off, looking the way you should look up at the ceiling. No, that's crazy. It's great.

Then you grab the bed out of ecstasy and turn the sheets. If I set up a projector for porn, that would be... It's a little mini one. That's a lot, dude. It's not. Just have the two reels, it comes... It runs out. Bobby hires a guy.

Hold on, I'm gonna come. Hold on, dude. Hires a guy to change the reel for him. He goes, ah, there's a burn mark in the top left But don't you find I'm in a healthy Marriage and we have a we started the thing we fuck every other day. Yeah, I'll take another one to take another coffee We fuck every other day So now I don't jerk off very often because I save it for you know, but is it like it's planned every other day, so now I don't jerk off very often because I save it for, you know.

But is it like, it's planned every other day? It's not, I mean planned, but like we try to generally do every other day. Order it and then just go pick it up. Yeah, that's good. That's very healthy. Yeah, it's good. Well, I think it's a little bit soulless that you guys just say

every other day. We don't time it, it's just like, hey, we didn't fuck yesterday. And at this age, you can't fuck every night. Yeah, that'd be good. I would like to get on a schedule. A schedule sucks. Yes, see? I hate it.

I hate having to go, we gotta have sex tonight. No, a schedule sucks. But you're misunderstanding. It's not in the calendar, hey, it's just a general thing of like, let's try every other night. That way, but I don't need to jerk off no more. I ain't gotta jerk off no more.

What do you do when you go on the road? I love jerking, I love. Do you wanna go on the road? On the road, I jerk. Do I go on the road? On the road I jerk off. I go spin in my hotel room and I take my pants off. Here's the thing, you have to figure out. Here comes the win. Are you gonna do it right when you walk in the room? Of course.

After the show. Here's what I, not before the show, baby. No. Here's what I do. Gotta get the evil out. Yeah, I, exactly, you gotta de-venom the snake. Yeah. And then you perform.

I unpack, right? And while I'm unpacking, I like start kicking around ideas about what I'm gonna pull to. What I'm gonna pull to. You know? Is it brainstorming? Yeah, I go, ooh, I don't know. Oh, I thought of another thing I like.

What do you like? They are, when they're changing outfits, you ever see that? Oh, you know what I like? They try on different outfits. This made me think of it, when they tear the yoga pants. It's like girls, it's a woman. When they tear it when they tear the yoga pants. It's like girls, it's a woman. When they have the yoga pants on they're at a dip.

I like the nylon. You do the nylon one? Hell yeah. Dude, I'll do any kind of tearing of fabric. Like she's trying on... I like when you just tear her legs like a wishbone. Oh my god, her hips! Like bone tumble.

Yeah, they're in like soft rape. No. Hey. No. Come on. It has to be consensual. Come on, don't say the odd words. Stop it. Be nice. It's Natalie's birthday.

She already has to edit that first. Yeah, she's an actual 26-year-old lesbian. Rape isn't funny to this generation. Yeah, no, throw it on the table. We all take licks at her. That wasn't rape. That was consensual. Was that consensual, Natalie?

Yeah, it should be. Look at her. She's smiling. Look at her face. She's never been happier. Say you's smiling. Look at her face. She's never been happier. Say you're happy. I'm so happy.

You ever see what they try on different outfits? What do you mean? Yeah, you've seen it? What do you mean? You were just a cook. That's what you like watching your girlfriend change? No, but they're like... You like to watch your girl shopping?

Yeah, they get... I love it so hot when I spend my money. Oh, fuck, no, that's a little out of our range. They get totally boozed. Those colors are clashing. And then they put on a bathing suit and they adjust the. Ah, they turn around. Soar knows what I'm talking about.

That's nice. You got to poke fun. You got to be partners with. You know, you get porn or is it regular women? It's no, it's fucking on Bravo. You asshole. It's poor. It's actually Joe hiding in the walls of Dillard's. Dillard's good. Good poll. How's it going?

Do what about what about nun? You ever watch nun porn? I watch nun. I have none of that. Every other day, nun on one day. But I watch porn on Tuesday, nun on Wednesday. No, they've taken a vow of God. A hot nun porn?

Oh, I'm trying to get this nun joke out of my head. No. No. Nunchucks. You like nuns? I like a nun porn. What, like they rip off the thing? Or it's just a smoking hot nun. What about a priest with a kid? What? Why don't you laugh bro? Why

don't you laugh at my because I don't appreciate pedophilia. You should. Because that's the line. Hey, would he feel you? Yeah. Piedophiles. Piedophiles. I do like a maid porn. When it's like real maid. Like a real- A homemade. When they have real maids. Oh, MA. Oh, like-

The guy's just jerking off. You have like a Guatemalan immigrant and she's just been tired from cleaning a Hilton. Don't lie. I actually- And the guy goes, so you know that this is the thing, right? Where like this was a porn category and they've erased all these. Yeah, where they film themselves. Where there's a guy jerking off.

Getting caught. And then the maid walks in and she catches him and then he starts coming and then he's like, oh, sorry. Yeah, but she puts down her thing and she goes, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't porn. I know, it's real life. A guy says, it's a guy who just jerks off. He's jerking off and the maid comes in

and she catches him and then it ends. And that used to be like a category, same thing with like just up skirt shots of girls walking down the street. All these rapey styles it's all gone you can't find anymore but I actually did that in real life I was jerking off with headphones on maid came in fucking caught me and I know for a fact she was like I know he did that on purpose yeah like in her mind she was like that was like he's one of those guys I'm probably probably on camera. She's watching for a long time

and you're dancing while you're doing it. This is what Seinfeld's talking about. You can't make porn like this anymore. Yeah. You can't film yourself jerking off. Whoa! You can't have a kidnap porn. Also, why is Seinfeld speaking for like comedy

and like cancel culture? You're the cleanest comic in history, Seinfeld. Yeah, you're talking about pop culture. Shut up. This is not your fight. Yeah. The cancel culture is killing us. Like, you're talking about pop culture. Shut up! This is not your fight. Yeah. The cancel culture's killing us. You don't talk about anything.

What is he doing? Cancel culture's killing us! But he was talking about sitcom. You're finding it. And his sitcom actually was quite edgy. And also, don't you think it helps to have a clean comic? Like during the early 90s, the parental advisory stuff. I agree.

The big thing that made a difference was John Denver came in and he stood trial. Because he could actually stand on the other side right now and be against it because that would be for him. He could be a sellout. He could be a sellout and he's not. He's sticking up for us. If he was a fucking real ass dude, he would show up and do an episode of Legion of Skanks. Seinfeld on Legion of Skanks would really... He goes, where's Black Baby? I need Black Baby. This guy's definitely most justified saying the N-word.

He's justified. He's justified! The core values! I also just hate all the people that are like They're like shut up Jerry You old fucking idiot Well he might know a little something He did co-create and star in the best sitcom ever And he's friends with everybody in the business

Seinfeld on coke would be obnoxious Wow give me another bomb! Oh is this good shit, this Peruvian? This is the disco shit. Why is it called Peruvian? It's not from Peru. But you're right. Perus.

Did you see his new movie about Pop Tarts? I started it. I watched it. It's for children though. Yeah, he made a kids movie for adults. I read my dad's death certificate again. What? That sucks. Can I get a bombana? No, it's not the bombana, it's for children though. Yeah, he made a kids movie for adults. I read my dad's death certificate again. What? That sucks. Can I get a bomb dana?

No, it's not the bomb dana, it's good acting dana. I don't even get it. This is actually a multiple use dana. All purpose. This is the all purpose dana. You know, somebody made a new bomb dana for us. It looks awesome. Fan. It looks really cool.

We're gonna have him. Fan dana. He's gotta get his own fan dana. Yeah, we're gonna give it to him. Cigars, man, you love them. I love cigars. It's a phase I've watched you hit in your friendship where you, and honestly, at first,

you looked a little awkward, now you look cool smoking a cigar. I don't think so, I think it's a pretentious look. People write to me, they're like, you look like an idiot. I like it though, I see how calm you are. I see how you're having a nice cigar. And many years ago, buying cigars online,

you couldn't really do it. And then they made small batch cigar. You couldn't find a great selection, you never knew how the cigars were gonna be. You know that, you probably went through all that. Absolutely I did. And then Andrew, our sweet angel Andrew set out to revolutionize the experience in 2012

and reverse engineer it, starting how he would wanna receive his cigars in the mail. Lightning fast shipping on every order, that was absolutely free. He always wanted the, how do you say this? Boveda? Boveda. Yeah. They keep them moist. Yeah. Those Boveda packs that keeps them all nice and wet. Well, not wet. Moist. What do you call it? I don't know. I'm a cigarette guy, so I don't know.

What's it called? It's a humidor. Yeah, there it is. Humidor. Humidor. It's simple, fast, small batch. They were the first online vendor to provide free shipping on every order along with free Boveda pouch in every package to ensure freshness, which you need. You got to buy those separate with regular companies, other companies. Their customers also earn 5% reward points on almost every order with a few exceptions like Limited Cigar of the Month Club. They offer much more than just an incredible selection of rare hard-to-find limited edition cigars.

For instance, they are proud to be the Davidoff Hall of Fame retailer. Holy crap, that's not easy to get in the Hall of Fame. No, dude, but check out their favorite online tobacconist. I never even heard the word tobacconist because they offer the best customer experience on the planet. Customer service that every cigar enthusiast deserves. Use the code REGS for the discount of 10% off plus 5% reward points. Free shipping on every order.

Almost every order delivers in two to three days and free Boveda packs included with every purchase. Joe, what was that discount code? REGS, R-E-G-Z. Let's get back to the show. Did you see the new, new table up there, dude? The sign, you know what the table? Remember?

Oh. The OG table, back in the day. Dan Lewis. That does nothing for you. I, no, money, pay me. Give me money. For what? I don't know, that would do more than that.

You're a fucking circus joker. What? Such a circus joker. He used to go, banana, banana, banana, banana. Banana. Banana. Banana. When they taught monkey sign language and they were like, banana. They go, no, no, no. How are you feeling? Banana. Everybody else loved it.

You didn't fucking love it? That means nothing to you. Nah. Nah. So fucking nut-connected. I love him. I love him so goddamn much. I stopped being emotional a while ago.

I love my podcast, really. Dead inside now. Why? I am dead inside. Because you broke up with your girl. Banana. Banana. Banana. Banana. Banana emotional a while ago. I love our podcast, really.

I'm dead inside now. Why? I am dead inside. Because you broke up with your girl? I don't wanna talk about it. We can't talk about it? I said that I don't wanna talk about it. Yeah, I broke up with my girl.

She listens to the podcast. I don't wanna make her feel bad. I don't wanna fucking, you know. Fucking trash. I loved her. I thought she was fantastic. And if I'm ever. All right, let's break up talking. If I'm ever single, you're not fucking trash. I loved her. I thought she was fantastic. And if I'm ever. All right, let's break up talking.

If I'm ever single, you know. What? I'm just saying. If she's listening to the podcast. Maybe I could take you to JCPenney's, watch you change a couple times. We could throw on a new little spotted dress. Lewis, you would like that kind of porn, I think.

She's trying on outfits. She's showing off her ass. She gets naked. She puts on a different outfit You really remind you reminded me of my relationship Her just constantly shopping Sorry buddy You're gonna meet a nice wifey I'm dead. Yeah, you'll meet a former roller derby chick or something

I think Lewis should meet like a 50 year old. Yeah. A woman, a woman that's like had a woman. Yes. Traveling traveling, traveling, traveling, false start. A girl that loves football. I couldn't do. Hold on. Let me think of another. Hold on. Some other penalty. Let's see. Hold on. In me think of another penalty. Another penalty. Hold on. Let's see. Hold on. That's incomplete penalty. Well, I was actually going safe. He was safe. Oh, safe. Also no goal.

Ejection? Yeah, you're out. You're out. Yeah, that's umpire. That's all right. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Who else only knows baseball because he's Puerto Rican? No, my son plays. And he's Puerto Rican.

He's going to know how to do the one where they kick parents off the game. You're ejected. Touchdown. Touchdown. There you go. It's like you're our dog. Touchdown? Down the well? Where is he? Lewis, where's your rape victim? Down the well? Lewis, where is she? Where'd you put her? Where's the body, Louis? Come on, boy, come on. Tell me where the body is, buddy. Well, do I have any more? That's so funny.

I like that we get up in the morning and we get all sweaty, sweaty together. It's so hot in here. Take your sweatshirt off. I would sooner get rid of that table and put it in an air conditioner. If we could get rid of it. We have an AC.

Slater. We need a better AC. Let's do plugs. We have an hour, nice. Joe, where you gonna be? St. Louis this weekend. St. Louis, Funny Bone, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Come on out, I also have dates coming up.

Salt Lake City, June 7th and 8th, or 6th and 7th, I love that club. And what else? Atlanta, Key also have dates coming up. Salt Lake City, June 7th and 8th, or 6th and 7th, I love that club. And what else, Atlanta, Key West, Portland, Maine, a whole bunch of stuff. Go to Punch Up Live or comedianjoelist.com, but St. Louis this weekend, come on out, fill it up, let's go. Punch Up Live slash Joe slash List, right?

Yeah, Joe hyphen List. Hyphen List. I don't know, you'll find it. There you go right there. Check him out on that Punch Up Live. Dan, what do you got? I got Columbus Funny Bone, May 31st and June 1st, and then in July the 18th through the 20th, I'll be at the Indianapolis Helium, and then July 25th through the 27th, I'll be at the Addison Improv. Lewis.

This weekend I will be in Detroit, Grand Rapids, and- I'll see you there, doggy. I'll see Detroit, Grand Rapids, and... I'll see you there, doggy. I'll see you in Grand Rapids, baby boy. You guys there at the same time? Yeah. Glendale, Wisconsin, which is right outside of Milwaukee. The next weekend I got Wise Guys, Las Vegas, and then I got Point Pleasant coming up, Ontario,

Los Angeles, Oxnard, Fort Worth, Dallas, and many more. Also the rags, we're doing July 10th, officially now on sale. Which is a podcast live. Not we're doing a live podcast July 10th at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. Get your tickets while you can. It's going to be fun. And then almost and then we're going to be doing the August 15th. We're going to be stand up doing a stand up show at the Cape Cod Melody tent Cape Cod. You guys get your hotels yet?

No, you got to. I thought that was gonna I thought we were Yeah, this is the first time you're mentioning it and you're saying with an urgency Just Did you read well good luck you have to stay in fucking Rhode Island did you read your contract? No, no, it's did your agent tell you no. Yeah, you might want to talk to my Asian. He's like, Island. Did you read your contract? No, I didn't read it. Did your agent tell you? No. Yeah, you might want to talk to them. My agent?

He's like, oh, you want to read our contract? Mr. Lewis. You must get to a hotel room. A hotel room is a big thing. Guys, I don't want to be this guy, but that's kind of my bit. I'm sorry. Thank you, I appreciate that.

We are point guarding you. We are assuming you're going to take it. He backstabbed it. There he is. Slema Donka. Cape Cod, August 15th. It's going to be an amazing time. All of us doing stand up in the Melody Tent. It's a huge venue. So get those tickets. Bring your friends. We're all doing squeaky clean material too. So you can bring your grandma, the kids. Bring everyone.

All ages show. And can we stay at your house please? Bobby didn't tell us. Also Bobby didn't know that we needed to get our own room. Stay at my parents. Remember that time you walked into my parents' bedroom? That was one of the best stories of all. It was me. I just met Joe. Who was that with Nate?

Nate. It's so funny that I used to open for Nate regularly. What a psychotic thing that is. Where you go, right. And then Nate goes, I mean peanuts are weird. But go to PunchUp.live for all my dates. I'm going to be in Stanford, Connecticut this weekend and then Port Charlotte. And then I'm going to be in New York.

And then I'm going I mean peanuts are weird. Go to PunchUp.live for all my dates. I'm gonna be in Stanford, Connecticut this weekend and then Port Charlotte, St. Louis, Timonium, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly for my specials up there free and all the shit up there and all my dates, go there right now, PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. Yeah, I had appendix surgery, I had appendicitis, was home with the surgery.

I saw Nate was at Bridgewater State College and I was like, that is 12 minutes from my house. You got to come over. But my parents had gone to bed. They went to sleep. Then Louis and Nate come over my house, we're drinking beers and eating painkillers. And then Louis is like, where's the bathroom? Like first door on the right.

For some reason he goes, got it. Second door on the right. And so my parents who went to bed. That's such an important moment though. Like Joe's parents go to bed and then they wake up to for the first time ever a Puerto Rican in their home. First brown person in the house. Hello. Trying to person in the house. Hello?

Trying to turn the light on. This is the man. And by the way, also, I had to check. You're like, one of the fucking landscapers is early. I just had surgery. We never had a landscaper, I'll tell you that. But I had just had surgery. So it wasn't even like I was whole,

like I was like in recovery, like all fucked up, like, all right, good night. And then there's just a giant Puerto Rican sliding his hand across the bedroom and at this point his dad's eyes have adjusted I'm assuming there's a good 10-15 seconds been being, is that my son? That's not the silhouette of my son. My man, Joe became a man. And he goes, excuse me, can I help you?

What a fucking beta. You helped me rape your wife? Yeah. Did you? I raped your mother that night. That's so fucking funny. Just waking up and being like, that's not Joe. That's not Snowflake. Ha ha. Oh, fuck.

That was one of the funniest things ever. Yeah, that was classic. That was fun. Everyone was pissing outside, too. Wasn't even like, yeah, there was no reason for me to go in. Zero, did you have to poop? No. I just had to pee.

Yeah, that was crazy. That was fun. Good times, guys. Well, this summer's going to be great. Oh, yeah. You got to get a hotel. What do we do? We just get the house.

Why don't we get a house? I bet you, Bobby, fuck this. I bet you the hotels are crazy expensive in Cape Cod. Let's get a house. Summertime August. Just get an Airbnb. Let's all get an Airbnb together. Yeah, dude.

This is the way to do it. I'm bringing Don and Max. OK, well, us three of us will get an Airbnb. If you guys want to stay with us, you can. No, no, no, no. will get interviewed. If you guys want to stay with us, you can. No, no, no, no, we don't want to. You want to stay with us? No, absolutely not. You can bring Max.

Yes, I'm bringing Max. You're going to bring James, not Don. I'm bringing, fuck you, I'm not fucking you. Don, I don't want to tell you this on air, but Don gives me major, like, fuck me behind Bobby's back vibes. Like, every time I say it, she's like... Me too. You too, right? Hashtag. Hashtag me too. Honestly, Don gives me vibes of do you want a recipe?

I got a good recipe. I don't know what that means. No, let's not bring out wives. Let's go get laid. I'm bringing the fam. Yeah, dude, let's cheat. Let's fuck. Let's cheat, let's cheat, boys.

Yes. Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Let's do this at the end of the show. Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Don't forget to buy the. Come on, let's get some Cape Cod pussy. You can't cheat. What, a heroin addict pussy? No, Cape Cod, that's not Cape.

Cape Cod is good. Freckle, Freckley bitches. Some fucking old fucking old money. Yeah, some old money. Clammy, clammy snatch. That's what I need. I need a rich bitch. Dude, we'll go to Provincetown and cheat. Yeah, you do need a rich bitch. I need a rich bitch from Cape Cod, dude. Look up hotel prices in Cape Cod right now.

Let's get an Airbnb. We'll smoke cigars. We're gonna get an Airbnb. Get Airbnb. Let's get an Airbnb. Don't get a hotel, get an Airbnb. We'll smoke cigars, we'll hang out. That'd be fun.

We'll do the show, then we'll go to the Airbnb and hang out. Bring chicks back, we'll cheat on our women. Yeah, we don't have a woman, but. Nah, we're cheating. How are we gonna cheat? We're gonna cheat, come on boys. Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat.

You're gonna get a girlfriend just to cheat on her? Just cheat. You cheat, right? No. Come on, be cool. And you know you don't. All right, fine, edit this part out. We all cheat.

All right, fine. Nobody cheats. Nobody cheats. Bobby and I are cheating with each other. I go, I roll over in bed, I almost found out about it. By the way, we were all kidding, but the way Dan reacted, I now think he cheats. I go, no, over in bed, I go, they almost found out about it. By the way, I don't, we were all kidding, but the way Dan reacted, I now think he cheats it.

I go, no, no, no, no. No. Guys, we're not gonna go through each other's phones, are we? No, I'm too boring now, I'm too old. Too old to cheat. Exactly what a cheater would say. It's the anxiety of cheating, it's not even the cheating. I never was good at cheating.

I was great. I was great. I would fold all the time. I never was good at cheating. I was great. I was great. I would fold all the time. I wrote a book on it. I know. I was actually gonna make that joke, I've picked that up. Is it still on sale? Yeah.

You burned the Rosa? Me burned the Rosa. I was in the film. Did you know that? We didn't know each other. I was an extra. When were you in the film? I was an extra.

Oh, downstairs at the cellar. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, I used to cheat. I was so good at cheating back in the day. When you were hot, Bob? I loved cheating. I was there. Yeah, I used to cheat. I was so good at cheating back in the day. When you were hot, Bob? I loved cheating.

I loved it. There's something about different pussy. There's something about juggling. I would always wake up and feel like, cause I would do it, the only time I did do it was when I was drunk. And then I would wake up the next day and be hung over and feel that like,

oh man. The guilt. Yeah. What was it? Was it guilt or anxiety from getting caught? Cause I never really felt guilt. It was always the anxiety of being caught. It was the anxiety,. What was it? Was it guilt or anxiety from getting caught? Because I never really felt guilt. It was always the anxiety of being caught. It was the anxiety, but that was also what made it good

is that fucking, I had a chick in the cellar watching me and a girl in the olive tree upstairs at the same time. Dude, I had one time at fucking, this was a great move. This was at the comedy store. I had two chicks show up and it was like, I was doing like the sitcom thing. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah, dude, I had two chicks.

The Brady Bunch. And I wanted to hook up with both of them. So this was a fucking hardcore, this is like scumbag fucking Gaslight, Louis J. Gomez fucking thinking. And I was like, fuck dude. I was like, I gotta talk to both these girls. Go to my hotel, sit down, you've disappointed me.

I'll be there when I feel like it. No dude, I told the one girl that the, I was like, hey, listen, my agent's going to be here tonight. It's this blonde chick. I was like, I gotta, I gotta be up her ass the whole night. That's so funny. I gotta kiss her. You're going to think this is pretty crazy, but we have to hardcore make out. It shows, it shows I'm committed to the agency.

Yeah. So then I got to literally ignore the one girl and just hang out with the one girl in front of the other girl the whole night and then I banged that chick then I dropped her off, met up with the other chick afterwards and took her back to the hotel. You go, I got a three picture deal. How many times have you fucked two girls in the same day? For me it's like 25 times. Damn. You never fucked. You got two dozen. I know. Two dozen proudly served. I've fucked two girls in the same day. For me, it's like 25 times. Damn. You got two dozen. I know. Two dozen proudly served.

Yeah. You guys ever do that, two girls in the same day? Yeah. I'm talking like a couple hours. I used to have a real sex addiction, so yeah. Yeah. Really? Oh yeah.

I had two girls in one day and a prostitute. I had two girls, one cup. I said, no, no, give her the shit. Now puking my mouth out. One time I fucked three girls, one cup. I said, no, no, give her the shit. Now, puking my mouth. One time I fucked three girls in a day. Like it was like 8 a.m. noon, five. What? No, he didn't. I'm telling you, one was fat, but still cool.

You fucked three girls in one. It was a one, two and a three. A one, a two, a three. I went back. I went back to back at your house when I was dog sitting. No. You said you had one chick in my house. There was two.

You lied? Yeah. You fucked her in the, both girls in the shower. One girl in the shower, one girl upstairs on the couch. You fucked on my bed. One girl in the doggy bed. I went move over. Fuck, I was trying to think of your dog's name.

The doggy bed is where Lewis sleeps every night. A doggy bed. Okay. He says doggy. You know what, I was waiting to think of your dog's name. The doggy bed is where Louis sleeps every night. A doggy bed. He says doggy. I was waiting to pass this on. He says doggy a lot. You know what I mean? I used to get hookers, I liked hookers a lot. Oh.

I did, you know why it was easy? It was just easy. Yeah, you pay them, they're gone, there's no issue. For me, regular girls are easy. I just dunk on them, you know? They see my set, I come off, I think, I need to follow him. They're like, please let us fuck you. Hookers were easy because you just looked them up, you got them, you did your thing, and then you're gone.

Killed them, buried the body. He goes, you watch the life drain out of their eyes, you throw them in the mash. I once fucked a girl without even saying a word. She came up to me after a set and just said like... I one time, I one time, I one time I banged a girl after Caroline saying a word she came up to me after a set and you said I want time I once I once I one time I banged a girl after Caroline's and I knew I was gonna bang cuz the way we hugged She was a friend of a friend. We hugged and we were both like Yeah, you did I've done a few times by the same girl whatever dude you're Joe licks Guys can we stop talking about sex and women? Are you all boned up?

Aw, sad? Lonely boy? You don't have to. Lonely Jay Gomez? You'll be fine. That's good. Lonely Jay Gomez, new nickname. Print it.

Thoughtful. The Puerto Rican alone snake. That'd be an asshole. Why? Joe, you're being very cool right now. Are we gonna get an Airbnb with the pool? Can we get a pool? Yeah, we have to Why we have to good luck. It's gonna be How hard is it gonna be? Springs, it's not that many pools. Let's look up some Airbnb. There's gonna be plenty of pools in Cape Cod

What's the day look up the August 15th? We're gonna need it for the 15th into the 16thth you needed the day before you should come the day before 1415 Yeah, that's cheaper to Wednesday Thursday. Yeah come the day before Then the show and then stay and I'll fuck the bitches on the 14th the day before You don't want to go fucking traffic down to Cape Cod the day of you don't want to do that Yeah, you want to go to Wednesday's you want to drive Wednesday drive up Wednesday drive up hang out We get bitches strippers strippers, hookers. No hookers.

Trans people, boys, young kids. I'm back in. What's a hooker situation like in Cape Cod? What about animals? It's terrible. We fuck some bad hunkers. There's no hookers. Giraffes, gerbils.

Are there sheep? There you go. That's not bad. That's not bad. You gotta do these things. You gotta go with pool, first of all, somebody who's never fucking done this. That's Natalie.

Natalie. Natalie! Natalie, you gotta go to the um. You gotta do it near the venue. Go to the filters. You're doing Stevie Wynwood as Michael McDonnell. Do the fil- go to the fil- Sorry, I'm an innovator. It's her birthday.

I can't see it from here. The filters. The filters, dude. I love an Airbnb. I just rented one in the hills in Hollywood. It was fucking great. I like a hotel over in Airbnb. We did one with Jay.

Me and Jay got one in Hollywood last week with a pool, jacuzzi. We fucking didn't even do shows, went back every night, just hung out at the pool. I talked to Jay. He was like, yeah, we just watched movies in the pool. It was fucking great. He said you guys watched a horror movie, and you got so scared you had to jump into the pool. It was pretty Jay. He was like, yeah, we just watched movies in the fucking great. He said, you guys watched a horror movie and you got so scared. You

had to jump into the pool. It was pretty scary. I'm not good with horror movies. I hate it. Thank you. You're in a horror movie though. Unalive, unafraid. It's unhinged. It's not unhinged. It's unwatchable. Very successful. Louis is not unhinged. Get buckets back half of this. No, it's not. Unsane. unsane. Unsane, that's it. Good pull. Unsane. I made more money off that movie because it was so low budget and than I did when they paid me for it.

What is the? The residuals off that movie became a hit. Real quick, open your bar. With the guy from Bear Witch. Yeah, thousands of movies, thousands of dollars. Did you hit the filters? Did you do pull? Yes.

Okay, here we go. What about this one? The guest favorite right there with the big triangle-shaped palm. No, you don't wanna stay in the frame. It's called an A-frame. You don't wanna stay in an A-frame. No, you don't. You about this one? The guest favorite right there with the with the big triangle shape. You don't want to It's called an a-frame. You don't want to stand in a frame. No, you don't Yeah, look at that. That looks like a fucking like you're on a boat. Yeah, you know, that looks nice. That's that's no that's a motel No, you don't know nice day. That's right. That's I don't know nice You should see my house in Hollywood go to the fucking a-frame wasn't as nice as Bobby and jazz

That one was the one we mean Jay stayed in was fucking insane. Okay. It was unbelievable. Okay. You have a pool? We didn't need a pool. Did you have a jacuzzi? We didn't need a jacuzzi. Did you have a fire pit?

Damn. Yeah. You did? Big one. I thought you did. How big was yours? Huge. Ours was massive.

Ours was, was yours bigger than 10 people? Oh, we had 30 people. We had 50. 50 people. 30 people. We had 50 people. All women had 29 women. All the gas visuals naked. All naked. Everybody was there. Big fan. You know those big leaps? They were fanning all of us. What? Feeding Joe grapes. Yeah. They were trying to. $705 a night. That's

not bad. Three ways. Nah, dude. Oh, three way. Yeah, let's do a three way. It's three way. How many people does it fit? It's only got one bedroom though. You can't do it. Hold on, it's three bedrooms. Oh, it's three bedrooms. Bobby, stop him three way. Well, someone's gonna have to sleep. Someone's gonna get a king and then someone's gonna have to sleep together.

So, Louis will get the king bed. Joe and I can go to sleep like this talking to each other. You have a phone call. I go, what are you gonna dream about? All right, it's fine. We can move on. We don't have to look at this. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

But that's what we're gonna do. We're absolutely gonna do that. And ladies in Cape May, Cape Cod. Cape Cod. Cape Cod. And Fowlmouth. And Fowlmouth. Fowlmouth.

Fowlmouth. Fowlmouth. Fowlmouth. Yeah, that's your nickname, Fowlmouth. Is that where the gig is? I don't wanna stay too far away from the gig. No, the gig's in Cohassetet, right? That sounds made up.

I think so, you know Cohassetet, I think you're right. Oh wait, no, that's the South Shore Music Circus. The Cape Cod Melody tent is in Hyannis. Hyannis, that's what you wanna say. Yeah. Hyannis? Hyannis. Hi-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. We all carry around stuff that stresses us out. Maybe things at work are rough. Maybe things at home are a little tough. Maybe you're juggling a secret second family.

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Our therapist, we have the same therapist. He's in Union Square, it's a pain in the ass, there's like heroin addicts everywhere, it's just full of people going, hey, chess? They all think I wanna play chess and checkers. And that's why I go to therapy. Everyone thinks I'm a goddamn nerd, I'm not, and he helped me, he said, accept that.

Anyways, you gotta go to therapy. Therapy's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I continue to go, I went when I was eight, I went when I was 22, and now I'm just a lifetimer. I'm a lifetimer, dude, I'm a lifer. And BetterHelp makes you getting the support you need, easy and stress-free. All you gotta do is fill out a quick questionnaire

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It sucks. We're, what? What? Me and Bobby talked about it this morning. What? We talked on the phone. Yeah, I don't remember. I think that what happens is we do the show obviously. It's always great

We always just wing it no direction no topics. Yeah, I think Little direction little topics. I'm fine with it. How about this? I say we little everybody has I thought we talked about it, but you you do it you do it. No you go a topic I have a topic we each Lewis you go. I have to talk. Yeah, you talk about yeah, no you tell each bring one time You each wing bro who have one topic, but you go each one topic each every week my topic And I did this art and then well you did the topic ready. Yeah, yeah, he's not even done talking yet, Dan I'm sorry. I did fucking work. Let him finish. My topic is this topic Yeah, you need a topical cream on your face.

Got him. I look pretty good right now. I've been back in the gym 10 days. If you look good, why are you single? Oh shit. This is mean. What the fuck was that? And why are your parents dead?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Dude, you know what, Joe? Both those things are absolutely true. Joe, can we cancel us putting on outfits after this episode? I just don't like the way you're treating us. Portable between double, what? Oh, dude, that's great. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what, Joe? Both those things are absolutely true. Joe, can we cancel us putting on outfits after this episode? I just don't like the way you're treating Lewis. Portal between devil, what? Oh dude, that was great. By the way, I walked by that portal.

I saw it, I know what you're talking about. What is this? It's a big, in Times Square, right? No, it's over by Flatiron. It's over by the Flatiron building. Bobby just said I walked by it, and then it said in Times Square, and then he got caught lying.

He goes, no, no, no, I built it. I built the portal. It's a fucking, you can go back to 1876. No, it's actually just like a, Bobby just heard a zoom. It's a big portal. It's up in Harlem. They have one in another, like Ireland. Yeah, dude, I invented this.

They have the same guy. They want to call it the Bob Ring. Just give them like nine or 10 minutes. No, I like it. They have the same guy. They want to call it the Bob Ring. Just give them like nine or 10 minutes. No, I like it. So it's a big, huge, almost like a TV, round TV screen, but they have the same exact one in another country. They have one in Ireland.

So the people in Ireland are looking at the people in New York. It's a live feed from Dublin to New York. The Irish guys are just sort of pulling their dicks out. And what happened was is they, so I walked by first. Oh, that's cool. I walked by yesterday afternoon after Alan, and there was just a homeless guy standing in front of me going, ah, dancing around. But then a lady pulled her tits out on the New York side.

The funny thing is they were doing that on the Irish side, though, like an Irish guy mooned a bunch of families. The worst one was when they first opened it, the people on the other side, all the New York people were there watching it and some guy held up a picture of the towers burning. Yeah, the towers burning. It was fucking hilarious. Oh my God. This is great. Somebody in Ireland was like, look, your fucking coins. You want to make fun of the troubles. What about your fucking troubles? All the crowd just went, how am I going? You're named a fucking drink, an Irish car bomb.

Well, here's where we fucking think of that. Is that your topic? The portal? That was his topic. No, that's not my topic at all. Who brought that up? Why did you guys just bring it up? Who brought that up? Topics, not you, asshole.

Not you, you fucking autistic asshole. You think you get a topic? I just brought him a topic. This is why, this is why he's afraid of you. This is fucking nuts. This is why he doesn't bring shit up. Are you afraid of me, Danny? Yes.

Danny? Not you, no, that Danny. I'm sorry. Yes, absolutely. We're all afraid of you. Duh. We're doing stupid topics because Lewis said so. Oh yeah, cool, maybe we'll do Colin next.

Now we each bring one topic to the table. We heard you. Stop yelling at us. I just texted mine. All right, go ahead, Danny. I want to hear it. Danny, are you afraid? I'm not afraid of him, but I do think he doesn't know who I am. No, he knows.

Because I saw him. He's never said my name ever, not when someone else... Like, Bobby will say my name, and then he'll say my name. On Wednesday, I saw him. I think he didn't know who I was. You call out for it. Hold on, say you're fucking wrong, you dumb fucking, you fucking gay bitch, I'm gonna beat your ass.

Bobby, tell him, didn't I tell you that I just saw him at The Thing? Bobby, help me out. Bobby The Thing. Bobby, back me up. Say it again. Back me up because I did talk to you this morning and I said I saw him and hung out with him

at a specific comedy club. I haven't talked to you in days. I don't even know who you are. I'm afraid of you. There's a Puerto Rican man yelling at me. Call the police. He did say this morning, he saw Danny and you said...

At where? At the Dojo Comedy. He said fuck face idiot. I'm wrong. I just wasn't. Yeah, that's right. But he did say hi to you. What's up Danny, right? He didn't say hi until I said hi. He didn't say my name once in the green room. You didn't say my name once, which is okay. Who says people's name? Yeah, that's psychotic. That's psychotic behavior. Hello, Daniel. Hi, Robert. What are you an Android? He is. He's autistic. He didn't say my name yet.

Hello Danny. Did he say hi? Come play with us Danny. I hung out with him in the green room, we talked for a while. Yeah but you didn't say his name. Oh what a fucking gay shit. You needed to feel acknowledged.

Kiss me on the lips, or else I feel like a hooker. He's so battered he just wants him to say his name once. I don't appreciate your microaggressions by not saying my name. Danny, did you hang out with him? Yes. I don't know what the fuck are you complaining about? How often do I go, hello Dan. I go, are you wearing a wire?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to get me on tape? You fucking snitch. You are Dan Soderkirch. I'm giving you this. Yo, what's up, Louis? I've fucking known you for 15 years. Danny, did it feel good that you hung out? The energy when he walked in the room was there was a stranger that he didn't know.

Was what it felt like. No, it's him. He doesn't like you. It's the energy he should have when he's around you. It's him not caring about you. We feel the same thing when he's at my house. No, my energy. Dawn's just got a knife behind her back. You let this man in your house?

No, I'm currently going through some shit and I happened to be off that night and I asked Danny Polischuk if I could do a set on his show because he's headlining. You know three Danny's? I know a bunch of Danny's. We're everywhere. I saved my Danny for Danny Polischuk if I could do a set on his show because of his headline. You know three Danny's? I know a bunch of Danny's and I didn't, if I... We're everywhere.

I saved my Danny for Danny Paulischuk that night. I was like, hi Danny, that's it. And he goes, he's Danny. Hey weirdo, I spent all my Danny's. No and I think what you noticed probably was when I'm in a venue that I've never been to. Why are you enunciating a venue I've never been to? Sometimes you'll notice when I walk into a room.

I only say hi. I understand. Louis is like, I'm going through some shit right now. It's a speech class. What the fuck was that? So what happens? I'm a little bit awkward when I'm in a new room. I'm like uncomfortable.

Yeah. You were a little insecure at that moment. He should have made you feel more welcome. Yeah, you should have been like, Yeah, what's going on, Louis? Should be like, Hi, Louis, Danny. You know what, dude? I don't think the topic should be news stories, though. They should know. It could be fucking outer space. It could be fucking

that's fun. What do you want to talk about quasars? I got a topic. you wanna hear it? Yeah, I wanna hear it. Most east coast, west coast city. City on the west coast that feels like the east coast. San Francisco feels like. I thought San Francisco, but then there's all, Louis just gets on his phone, he's just Googling it.

What are you saying again? The west coast city feels like the east coast. Don't scream at me. Listen better. I'm trying. What? A west coast city that feels more east coast. Cause I thought San Francisco too,

but then Seattle, it's rainy, it's rock and roll. My next topic by the way is gonna be about how this topic sucks. After we're done with this. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. I need to cut my morning poop short. Can that be my topic? No, we're on this topic, you fucks. East Coast, West Coast city.

I would say it's San Francisco before Portland. Oh, Seattle. San Francisco feels like a large city. Seattle is like a hippie city. It's very high tech. It's not New York. San Francisco's got people shitting. Yeah, there's shit in the streets. Shit is heroin. But Seattle has shit and heroin, and San Francisco's also very tech.

Yeah, but they accept it up there. The tech down in Palo Alto, it's all fucking south. San Francisco is the most east coast city out there. Okay, what about Portland? No, Portland's a fucking hippie city. No, Portland feels... Well, New York's just as liberal as Portland. Portland has like reindeer hot dogs.

It stinks. That actually sounds kinda good. No, it's awful. Lewis, you wanna participate? I hate this topic. You can't make us do this and then turn on us. I'm gonna sit this one out, boys. That can't be part of your topic, you hate it.

I like that, we can just sit out topics. Sit it out, dude. You know what? It's fine, dude, I'm gonna It's fine. You guys enjoy this. You guys passed. I'll be over here. Maybe we sit on the negative Nelly if I start chiming into this horrible topic. You know what? You see how I react to your topic. What's your topic? Voices? Yeah. White people are the best race. Let's go. You're not even a white person. I love this topic. This is fantastic. All the best inventions. All the best comedians.

They're on time. All the best athletes. You feel the safest around them. All the best basketball players. Larry Bird, Chris Heron, Dirk Dibitsky. That's it. Well, there we go.

Chris Heron was like a not a great basketball player. My topic is, love. What? No, I don't know. No, I actually had a news story where all these flight attendants got caught taking money for moving drugs,

and I was like, that's exactly what I'd do if I was a flight attendant. If would you? I'd fuck people on the plane. Oh, you'd be such a slut. I would just go into first class, find the hottest. They go, Bobby's sucking off a guy in the bathroom. No, I wouldn't fuck guys.

If you hear about those stories the story about a flight attendant will fuck a passenger, it's like, that woman has to be such a, how does that pop off? Freak. Or the guy, she's like, I need peanuts so much that I'm willing to give it all up because we're gonna dizzle them up in the air. She's moving around in her seat again.

And usually they hand out peanuts to all the customers. That's fun. Peanuts, peanuts. Yeah, I like it. Gown it. It's a Will Sutton show. Flight attendant arrested for allegedly smuggling money And usually they hand out peanuts to all the customers peanuts Down it. It's a will sell lie to tend to arrest for allegedly smuggling money through JFK. I mean I Would do that. No, I don't want to be a negative. I don't want to be a Lewis over here What are you talking about? We can't see our topics give me news. We're just gonna talk about news stories. What are we? What do you guys want? What are we? You can't this is what we don't see what's in the news folks. This is why we don't do topics Hey, what else is in the news? What are we assholes? What are we AM radio? You can't. You can't. This is why we don't do topics. You see what's in the news, folks?

This is why we don't do topics. Hey, what else is in the news? What are we, assholes? What are we, Jimmy Fallon? We got to do a topic like most East Coast West Coast cities. What's your problem with Jimmy Fallon? I love Jimmy. I did his show recently.

You guys see this? Well, it's called an asshole. Let's unpack that for a second. I'm just saying. We're not on network TV. Why is Jimmy Fallon an asshole? That's a good topic. That's a great topic. Why do you hate Jimmy Fallon? Why do you hate Jimmy Fallon? I love Jimmy Fallon're not on network TV. Why is Jimmy Fallon an asshole? That's a great topic.

Why do you hate Jimmy Fallon? I don't like Seth Meyers. Conan rules. Conan's number one. It's not even fucking close. Conan's the funniest of all time. Did his show too. I think Carson was better.

Carson was way better than Conan. Fuck them all. I like't care. Carson was way better than. Fuck them all. They could all die. You know what I like? I like Gino Biscongi. I did his show at Caroline's. He was nuts. I'm a quizzo. Fucking nuts.

You don't want to do any late night shows? Do I want to? Just do one. I don't think they would book. I think at this point, even if I had the clean material ready to fucking go, because at this point I could put together a clean set, I just don't think that they would,

I think they would look into me for one second and they would go, nope. Queue up an episode of Leisure's Gangs to go, or we're gonna pass. They're like, he's brown, ooh, we love that. If they hit play and they're like, oh, okay, let's find a different. Oh.

Let's just get a tan guy. Just some internet NBCs. But they do sort of surprise you with it, right? So they don't like announce it, it's like day off. So I think I could sneak in. I think they would get a lot of fucking letters. I think you should try. Let's get him on the tonight show. We'll talk to Michael Cox. I bet we could do it. Yeah, we could get you on or or or Debbie Pussy.

What? Michael Cox. Oh, I like that. That's really funny. That was good. Louis got it. I mean, you should be on late night. I got a mind for late night. You got a mind for late night.

I think you'd do good on late night. I think I'd do great on late night. I think you should do it. I think we should get you on. I don't think it's that easy. I don't think you can get me on. None of you are powerful in the industry. True.

You're all losers. But together, all three of us. Yeah, we form like Voltron. Hey, what's up, guys? We got a big trench coat. We're sleeping in the same bedroom. We, we formed like Voltron. Hey, in my mouth. We got a big credit code. We all get in each other's shoulders. That's fun.

You should book Lewis. OK, giant man. Who moves weird. Giant man with small mouth. With Bobby's head. Why am I in the top? Joe's head is a penis. I should be in the bottom.

I'm the strongest one. You're not the strongest one. What? No, you're not. Pretty crazy. He I'm the strongest one. You're not the strongest one. What? No, you're not. What are you crazy? He's emotionally the strongest one. Absolutely, thanks Doug. No, if you guys were creating a human,

it would be Bobby on bottom, Dan's in the middle, Joe's on top. True that. 100%. Or if we were doing a show. I'm cool with that. Nothing. You want me to be involved in it?

Just stretch out. Yeah, no, you can't just will your friend into... I think we can. I did it. If I can do it, you can do it. I know, but that's not... I was on... You want will.

Buddy, I was on Opie and Anthony. We did crazy shit. Yeah, but it was a different time. They stuck a wiffle ball bat up a girl's vagina. It was a different time. Yeah, but it's... Cancer culture wasn't a thing. When you were fucking...

Cancer culture's dead, dude. No one gives a shit. Nobody cares anymore. They just want people on the show. Okay, we can get you on Okay, let me get get me on then world's about that. Let's get Lewis on the tonight show I feel like Bobby was trying to start a chant then realize in the middle of it. There's no change He goes let's start back. It's too long Three words or more Bob Let's start back, it's too long of a sentence. Three words or more, Bob, you fucking know that. Let's get Lewis on.

Let's get Lewis on. Tonight Show. Let's get Lewis on in Tonight Show. We gotta contact Michael Cox from The Tonight Show, and let's get Lewis on. Dude, Lewis, we could do it. Let's do it. Let's get Lewis on.

I would love that. I think it's 100% possible. Okay, by the way, we give him great views. We give them tremendous ratings And then we all go and how popular that episode would be a real-ass dude the real-ass with the fakest dude in Hollywood Just tremendous just the nervousness of all of us watching him. Oh my god. It's like a space shuttle blow up He just calls quest love the end

Give me a jump six motherfucker. All, shooting Jimmy Fallon in the head. No! He just calls Questlove the Edward. No! Give me a jump six, motherfucker. All right, what else is in the news? See, news heard about this. Apparently, they're having a hard problem with AI. A robot. Yeah, but can I just say, Joe, this is why, and this is the point, because I am really good at point guarding on podcasts.

Yeah, you are. Absolutely. I'm a great podcast producer. The way my mind works. Zero notes. That news story created some fun, unique moments. Thank you. Absolutely. Us making fun of the fact that it's a news story, us talking about, I'm a big man, but I can shoot. Me making fun. I kind of point guarded that actually. Yeah, you're shooting guarded. There's one point guard on the team. Guys, you shoot. I don't know. I mean, I feel like I point guard.

Actually, I don't know. There could be two point guards on the team. You're a shooting guard. No idea. What for? You're a true two. Rolling down a river, rolling down a snake. No.

No. No. No, but that didn't bring up as much fun stuff as which West Coast city is more East Coast. That brought up way more funner stuff. Yeah, that, you're sucked. The West Coast, East Coast explodes. It was literally the low point of more East Coast. That brought up way more funner stuff. Yeah, you're sucked. The West Coast, East Coast exploded. It was literally the low point of the East Coast.

I would honestly say it bummed out three out of the four of us. I mean, out of San Jose, have you been to San Jose? There's like four cities. Holy shit, they travel guide. Why don't you go sit on the largest spot? Sacramento. Sacramento. Anthony Bourdain.

Yeah. Anthony Bourdain Cook. OK. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey up fucking topics! Danny went like this, Your time to shine. This is how Louis Lerner is. His timing is crazy. He likes me. It's awful. As soon as we get on a roll, Danny's like, I gotta stop this. This is why he doesn't fucking do anything.

And then Bobby goes, Nah, he's the best, dude. He's the fucking greatest. It's the best. What if I told you I had a drummer that played off beat? Danny is top seven interns that we have working for us. My God, dude, I want deepu back Lewis What's your fucking topic my dumb topic? Yeah, that's like a TV show on MTV my dumb topic

It's a good fucking show dude. Let's go to my bedroom with a fucking black light looking for calm on the sheets Wait, did my dumb topic you came here with the idea to have topics, but you didn't bring a topic That's very Lewis, but that was my topic Your topic was that we should have a topic. We should have a topic. You can't have the topic be that. That's not a topic. Yeah, it's like wishing for more wishes. That's a suggestion. God damn. I hate that. You really... Wishing for more wishes? Yeah. By the way, the first guy that did that did get unlimited wishes. The genie went like this. Fuck! big. My wish. That first guy. Has anyone ever asked for more wishes? No they haven't you fucking.

Because the genie was Arabic. You really call yourselves the chosen people. Fucking hate it. The Jewish guy having an Arab genie. He goes, oh look at this gold lane. I want to make a gold lane. I want to make a gold lane. Really, you call yourselves the Chilzen people. Fucking Haiti. The Jewish guy, having an Arab genius. Oh look, look at this gold lane. I wanna rub it.

Ooh, look gold. I love the rub. I love the rub gold. We'll be back in in a couple minutes. Just let them. That is, that's a fucking bit. That's a stand upup bit dude that's a stand-up bit zero do it on the show

Kent Lewis on the Tonight Show So yeah, get some stretch. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You know how Jason, they're going, you know, proud we'd be if he did get on the. Dude, I would be proud boys with me. You should put your yellow and black fucking Nazis in the audience. Everyone would be going nuts, dude.

Regs fans, skanks fans, bonfire fans, real ass dudes, dude. It would be, Seth Simon's head would explode. He would kill himself. I think that might do it. Oh, get loose on the tonight show. I would explode. He would kill himself. I think that might do it. Oh, get loose on the Tonight Show. But they call it. I don't think it's, I think we can do it. We talk to Mike, we say, listen, dude.

We go, what if I told you monkeys could talk? It's like a 30 for 30. What if I told you one year, an offensive Puerto Rican did the Tonight Show? It's interviewing me and I'm smoking a cigarette outside of General's store. I was very close to getting on Conan. JP Buck ruled.

I went back and forth with them for like a year, and I was like, dude, it was... Sounds close. No, it was... No, he approved four minutes of the five minutes. Oh, wow. And then I finally got back to him. I was back and forth for a year.

No, he approved four out of the five minutes. They kept being like, no, for one full year. No, I went for 365 days. They go that guy's on the phone. He goes. I was close. How'd you laugh dude? Come on, laugh.

Laugh. Yeah, we're going to, this is going to happen. It's too real. I honestly think this is going to happen. Just a heads up, if you do it, half the responses will be like you sell out fucking asshole. No, no, no. I'm telling you. No, no no no no no no no

his fans know how fucking crazy it is that they'd be like he's on the tonight show they'd be like nice work you're fucking Jimmy it's a look it it's a good thing to have under your belt just to say you did a late night Lewis it does nothing for you I like it as the podcast bit, but I want this to happen. Yeah right now the only thing under your belt is a pussy Natalie when you're when you're editing the episode today on your birthday of all holies days Can you just edit that one clip and send it reaction to send to my friend. He's set up a dick. It's a pussy. He just goes, yeah. I had an audition for Conan at the stand-up New York.

And right when they announced me, everybody from Conan got up and left. I just cried on the floor. I just lied on the ground and cried. I was like, I practiced the set. I had it. I did it at the cellar over and over. And then they went, all right, you guys ready for the next?

And as they're bringing me up, the whole Conan crew stood up and walked the fuck out. Well, that's like the famous story about Louis was gonna go up for the SNL people and they were late. And he didn't get to go up for him. That's why he didn't get a writing job on SNL, but that's how he got Conan, like writing on Conan, because no one was there and you're like,

dude, when you see those people leave the room, you're like, oh. Yeah, it's hardcore. But we're gonna get Lewis on The Tonight Show. Let's do it. Can I say, I don't really wanna do The Tonight Show. I don't care anymore, we're stage mommas here. Buddy, buddy, it's not about that, it's about you.

I mean, I guess if they said, yeah, cool, come and do The Tonight, but I'm not submitting and I'm not doing that fucking process. about you. I mean, I guess if they said, yeah, cool, come and do the Tonight Show. But I'm not submitting and I'm not doing that. Oh, no, we're gonna go, by the way, we're gonna go around with you and we're gonna run settings. We're gonna make it a perfect set. Dude, it's fine, guys. No, you're doing it.

I would prefer just to do what I'm doing. Hey guys, fire off in those comments down below. Do you wanna see Louis on the Tonight Show? Watch this. I'm gonna send a text right now. To Michael Cox? Yep. He goes, he's on our no fly list.

Hey dude, do you think Louis J. Gomez N***. I just wrote Pete. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Siri just wrote it. Funniest thing you could have done. Siri just.

Bobby's phone is calling I'm gonna go full set. You are. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. All right guys. Leave the first part of the word in so they know. So they know we get it. That was a good episode. Know what it was, the context. That was a solid new episode. Fantastic episode. I love you guys so much.

I did a. You're doing 90 now. Keep it fresh. Keep it hot. It's actually more than 90. There you go. You gotta go do, you gotta do your podcast. I thought we were just rolling.

We are just rolling. That's a good place to do it. You know when we say it's over, it goes for another fucking 20 minutes. Ah, the old Zypex. This episode brought to you by Zypex nicotine toothpicks. If you wanna look like Razor Ramon and get your nicotine fix.

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Zip more, smoke less with Zippics nicotine toothpicks. Stop pulling things up. No, no, no, that was my topic. You don't have to do my topic. We're good. Open AI, wait, what is the topic? I want to hear it. All right. This is going to be the new Siri, which my topic. We're good. Open AI, what is the topic? I wanna hear it. All right.

This is gonna be the new Siri, which is fucking. It's scary. It's scary, but it's kind of fucking. Seriously? I think Louis is gonna be, I mean, this is gonna be people's girlfriends. Here, play it. This is the way.

You're already saying that kids are making friends. Listen, listen. Hey there, it's going great. How about you? I see you're rocking it. Stop. Nice choice. What's up with that ceiling?

Are you in a cool industry style office? Fuck you, bitch. What's up with your attitude? That's what I would say. The pulsing is going to make me it's making my ears bleed. And why does Alex Edelman get everything now? Can I tell you something I don't need sass out of my computers, it's not sass It's so what it's gonna be essentially AI second place of serious

So it's yeah, but nobody actually knows where you are, and it... It's terrifying. If you... Why did you take it off, Danny? Danny, when we tell you to take it off, take it off. Okay. But you have to say his name. Danny.

Play it. Is Danny AI? Listen, listen. Listen. Hey, Louis. Listen, listen to this, though. It actually... You've got a new announcement to make.

That's exciting. Announcements are always a big deal. Judging by the setup, it looks... Got a new announcement to make. That's exciting. Announcements are always a big deal. Judging by the setup, it looks like it's going to be quite the professional production. I don't want a fucking phony Hollywood attitude out of my computer. I don't need to fluff in my conversation. Wow, Lewis! You really nailed that R on the N-word. Listen...

That's pretty cool. I love that you just threw it out there. This is gonna be, you're gonna be able to talk to your phone like a human being. I don't like that. Why? This is a fucking piece of metal. Okay, fucking old school Dan.

What do you, you want a soul in your computer? Yeah. That's gross. I would love to talk to my fucking. What are you, Native American? I just think Seattle has a New York feel a little bit because it's just, it's gross. I would love to talk to my fucking... Are you Native American? I just think Seattle has a New York feel a little bit, because it's just, it's dark, and kind of... Guys, flight attendants are smuggling money.

Oh, I got a response. No. I'm excited. I... you ready? I have, uh, I have... it starts with a TV clean five. Has he ever told a clean joke? Question mark. not an insult. Also, when the fuck are you coming back?

Oh, that's nice. You can get yourself booked. I mean, my God. I'm gonna feed yourself. Climber Bobby. Actually, I'm gonna be back on this. Climber fucking Bob right now. Dude, we're gonna get you on.

You have a clean five. I'm gonna tell him you got a clean five. Let me do this as open AI. Wow, we're gonna get you on. You have a clean five. I'm gonna tell him you got a clean five. Let me do this as open AI. Wow, Bobby, that really sucked. Let's go home. Pretty good. You can do a clean five.

I mean, if Nate was like, I'll give you $50,000 to do Madison Square Garden, you'd do a clean five. Clean five. Yeah. No, I have a few clean jokes, because I actually know what my clean jokes are now, because I show my son my clean jokes No, there you go. Yeah, dude Okay, so you know by James do a clean five throw that up on serious. You'll make a ton of cash

They'll play you on all the fucking things. We all gotta come though. Can we all come I'll come right? I'm not we're all gonna come. What you're on tonight show. Yeah, we're gonna get you on the tonight show I'm gonna take your snacks from the green room. What are you going to wear? A suit? What are you going to wear? A fucking KKK hoodie. A hoodie? Or a hood? No, KKK hoodie. You sip all the way up.

Which just has two eyes. Honestly, if anyone in the KKK watches that, they go, that's a good merch idea. But if you wore it, it to be more like gay gay gay Book it August 15. What's the matter? So y'all guess fucking? Massachusetts I love you. I love you Lewis got mad at me elephant shoes elephant shoes olive juice elephant shoes all of the juice I love the Jews. I

Elephant shoes. Elephant shoes. All of the shoes. I love the Jews. I love the Jews. I can't say that. I love the Jews. I do. I love them.

I love you guys. I love you. Great episode. We'll see you guys in two weeks. Hope you guys... Happy birthday, Natalie. Happy birthday, Natalie. Natalie, why don't you just get on the table real quick.

Let us eat your pussy just to end the show. No, no, no. No doing that. Make sure you check out Jola's Comedy, Dan Soda Comedy, Lewis J Gomez. Oh, I stink. Dot com. Lewis of skanks. Lewis of skanks dot com.

Make sure you get skanks tickets. St. Louis this weekend. Skank Fest is happening. It's going to sell out. It's sold out, isn't it? Well, All Access is sold out. All Access is done. There's single day passes,

but Saturday's about to be done as well. So if you guys want to come, get your tickets now because Saturday is going to sell out probably any day. There is no festival this summer. This is the only one. This is the best festival on the planet. Make sure you get your tickets for Skank Fest. Shout out to your creator.

And make sure you go to our shows and let us know what's up. We got new hats up on ComicWearables.com. Get your regs hats, and we're gonna have the new bomb dana. We're gonna have it for sale up on ComicWearables.com. Get your REX hats, and we're gonna have the new BOMDANA. We're gonna have it for sale up on ComicWearables.com very soon. Thank you for making that. Whoever made that, the dude who made that. And I wanna thank the crew for being here every week.

When we do this, Danny, Joe, Max, and of course, happy birthday, Natalie. We'll see you guys next time on The Regs.