Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Wiped on the Tent

Episode Date: May 23, 2016

This week on YKWD: We have Mike Vecchione, John Moses, Stavros Halkias, and Sean Crystal! We open up with a special announcement. Bobby brings up meeting Rob Schnieder this past weekend with Vos, John Moses needs you to buy his album, and we come to agreement that Brokeback Mountain is a great Western up until things get steamy! Watch / Listen and enjoy!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yoros escuchar a Robert Kelly? ¿Y qué es, dude? En la network riotcast.com. ¡Verdad a la fiesta flotilla de la plana de Burre!

¡Es una costa! ¡No hay no rujos de la fiesta! ¿Qué es la mía? to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a cost-defying podcast. No rules. I'm gonna go to the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said, should I regret it? Can I get a mic? Oh, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head.

I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, and sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10 no topics. No directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. That's how it all holds the stars. I love doing it way both sides of the coin that's how the host does you love the part of it?

do you want to do you think my podcast is popular enough where I might affect somebody's life? you never know to our police you know what to podcast on whitecast.com All right. Yes, all right. Here's a deal.

We're back. I'm back. The show's always been here, but I took a step away. Our Shaffir hosted, who I love. I believe that was last week. No. No, I mean, this week was actually last week I was here. That was last week's show.

I'm fucking discombobulated. And Lawrence. As my fucking foster brother, Carmelo Sanchez once said, this combined a the booby. I was like, that's not a word. That's how dumb I air had a fucking Puerto Rican from Lawrence, Massachusetts,

throw me off on discombobulated. All right, check this out. We have some very exciting news. I would like a camera shot one of me, DPU, because it's very exciting news. I'm gonna put this up like a I'm reading I'm not reading it but I'm reading it. Riotcast is about to announce for the you know what dude podcast I'm this is really cool. First here's the thing we're announcing exclusive brand new YKWD app for both iOS and Android if you're a loser

in Canada for the fucking iPhone phone. It's available right the fuck now. So you can listen to the new YKW episodes, stream right to your phone, you can download them to your phone, you can use to listen to them offline, you can share them with your friends, the app is fucking incredible. It's brand new, and it's on iOS and Android, it's completely free, not one fucking dime, it's free, and it's available right now. iTunes store, Google Play, go get it, download the app, alright, and you can take the show wherever the fuck you go, and that rhymed.

What? Fucking wing that. I just winged it. I'm a little hot. I'm a little hot in the mic. I'm going to turn myself down. Second. All right, this is, we've been trying to put this together for the last year and I'm very

excited to announce this to our fans, okay? The launch of the YKWD premium, okay? With YKWD premium, you get exclusive access to the entire YKWD archive, which includes over 350 episodes, okay, of YKWD dating back all the way from, I think it's 2010 when we started this thing. That's over 700 hours of content. In addition to the archives, premium members will also get access to bonus episodes, like we're doing a live show for the podcast. What you call it?

What's it? What is it? Podfest. Podfest. We have another live show we're doing at the Village Underground next month. I'm trying to put together those episodes will be available the night of the show for that week and then go immediately behind the paywall.

And you guys who are a member of the premium YKWD will get this. It's unbelievable. We're going to put photos. We're going to put videos, exclusive one-on-ones that I'm going to do on the road. I'm going to go behind the paywall only for YKWD premium members. Here's the best part. YKWD premium, it's $11.99.

I'm kidding. It's $199 per month, not per day, not per week, okay? It's per month, 1.99 a month, that's it. And you get it all, all the back episodes, any stuff we put behind the paywall, the photos, the videos, the one on ones, you get it all for 1.99 a month. And it just comes out of your fucking credit card or your app, whatever the fuck you do, you don't even know,

you don't even take the hit. It's like, it's like a little dick sticking in your mind like you know I don't even know that you fuck me I don't know so I'm even like you know it's just oh you know you don't feel it it's like my peka okay one ninety nine a month okay combine your premium subscription along with the free mobile app and you get everything YKWB anytime anywhere. So go to ryecast.com slash YKWD right now and click go premium.

That's how easy it is. YKWD go ryecast.com slash YKWD click go premium and sign up. That's it. Sign up one time every month. You never have to worry about it. Any episode you ever wanted to listen to out of the 350 we have. But don't worry. If you can't afford the 199, it 10 episodes are always free. The latest 10 are free. So you'll, you don't have to do this. If you don't want to fucking do this, and you're a cheap cunt,

and you're literally just fucking a piece of shit without two bucks a month, and I get it, because there's a million guys, charges seven bucks a month, $14 a month, fucking $5.99 a month. If you can't afford the extra $199, 10 episodes, the show will always be free. So there you go.

$199 right now, go to ricast.com slash ykwd, click go premium and sign up for us, because look man, we've been doing this for over a fucking 7,000 million hours, okay? 350 episodes for nothing. It's time to give you guys an option to, you know, if you guys want to subscribe and help the show out and start paying these fucks of money and maybe even the guests that come on, I would like to start, you know, it's not going to me. I mean, most of it's going to me, but I'm not dying of it. And I give it out.

But, you know, I need a fucking lake house. Alright, so let's move on from that. We got a fucking great show. I'm sorry for you fucks they were in the chat room and we get it Fuck you is a great ad Did you rehearse that at all because that was a really great promo no I just read that was cold read those cold read they called that cold That was a professional job Thank you very much. Can you talk to your microphone? I wasn't closer. Oh, there you go. The mics are a little low. How do I sound? Well, you sound too good. Oh, thank you.

All right, so let's go around the room. All right, to my right we have Bobby's mini-me, Stavros Healthiest. Hello everyone. Back here. That's right, I'm back. Thank you, Scobo. Thank you, buddy. Make sure the book and the oh wow. Yeah, nice. Then we have the great Mike Veccione. Thank you, Scobo. Thank you buddy. Make sure book me. Oh, wow. Nice. Then we have the great Mike Veckey on Thank you for having me back is my mic on Buddy, this is fucking the least is my dollar 99 Premium listeners get the mic checks before the show Premium guests This is a Tuesday night late ship. No, the real comics have

gigs. Okay, what are we have a guy John Moses brand new album called Upper Middle Trash just came out. You just came out. Who's it out with? Did you put it out yourself? No, uproar. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they They threw a good job Rousing promo for your cell that was also cold. I did not rehearse The comedy connection in Rhode Island. You look like that actor That's in every movie, but I don't know his fucking name. What acted does he look like? Fucking alternative faces. Like a rap report?

No, rap, oh, you fucking nuts. I can't ever read the guy that's ever been on front of a television. Is it Bunchy from Ray Downivan? No, he was the dad in contact. Oh, David Morse. Thanks. You look like it. Yeah, does he look like David Morse? I don't know what David Morse thanks you look like it. Yeah, doesn't he look like David Morse? I don't know what David Morse looks like well as I'm as I'm fucking

He looks like KK was he gets that all the time. No as I said the dad from contact see he jumped on the computer But it hit him like I got it from me fucking screaming at him for fucking a year and a half That was going on. Yeah, that's what he's still right. He still fucks me up Because I didn't like your fuck you you like scared I didn't like you I'm nothing like him You're crazy, dude that looks exactly like Not fucking now those droopy eyes that big fucking head That fucking alcoholic nose That's no longer straight

That's a lot of knowledge. That's no longer straight. All right, who else we got? Then we have comic book artist Sean Crystal as back this second time. How are you doing? How are you doing? You look very three-musketeery. I like it.

I like it. Very 16th century. Is that it? Or is it the 18th century? Maybe the 15th century. It was the 14th century. That's the 13th century. When was it? I think I hate how smart you are Because you look like you should be done. It's not very smart. I just know what century corresponds to years. It's pretty fucking smart. I don't know.

All right. Okay. You didn't know this can be populated. That's true. That's true. This can be populated. That's good. So welcome back to the show, man. Thanks for having me. Okay, you didn't know this can be a little bit true. That's true. This can be a little bit. That's good. So welcome back to the show, man. Thanks for having me. Yeah, man. We got a bunch of shit to talk about. Let's go on the couch. We got guests. Of course, we got Deepo fucking. Yeap. You're a master. Everybody. We got Lauren who's looking sexy. This week, she's got a be cup. So, uh... Decepticities. What's that? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? You want to talk to people in the couch at the put the mic up.

What'd you say? You want to talk to the people in the couch at the put the mic up. Okay, tell your friend to get off his phone though, Stavros. It's just awful to video. You need to use that video right now. We're about to introduce him. He's on his phone. Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

I mean, you can't, I mean, what are you to respect? Are you the white girl on the fucking audience? What's up guys? Sorry. What's your name man? I would big fan Hi Robin It does look like no Ros Larry Green What's your name dude? Adam Freedland of 743 followers on Twitter and That's gonna change tonight. You're going to get 749. Yeah, let's get the dog pound in there.

What's your name, dude? Nick. Nick was on the episode Ari. I did the Ari one. Oh, you did it without me. Yeah, he always books guests. I don't fucking. I don't get to.

Well, that was Ari wanted. Nick. All right, whatever. All right, he's back. He's back on. What's up, dude? Pass the mic to the guests on the couch. Michael Varga.

Let me just say, uh, Previz, these guys, these two are comedian friends of, uh, of Stavros. That's right. I'm not a comic. No, you're not a comic. What are you, dude? Just a huge fan. What do you do, man? I work in finance. Oh shit. Oh, you like that. You gonna go, you gonna go premium? I will. I'm trying to go, you better, you gonna go premium? I will. Are you gonna go premium? I'm gonna go the YKW premium?

I'm just kidding. I'll ask you. Take one of these magnets and you get an extra magnet. What's up, dude? Who are you? It's good on me. My name is Eddie G. Eddie G.

Oh shit. All right, man. What are you doing here? It's a brilliant taxpayer. What do you do, dude? I'm a general manager for Mario hotels. Oh no shit Oh, that's good. I'm gonna get my fucking 20 grand in the bank taking care of and I'm gonna get my fucking hotels taking care I got you really just me don't fuck around with everybody's gonna hitch up after the shot. All right, what's out?

It's worth the sweet and gold All right cool, man. Well welcome to the show dude. How long you listen to the show? Probably you're now are you going premium? Most likely It's looking good. I can't commit to anything 199 Tell you I'm not usually yes way. Did I introduce you Scopo? No, okay. Well, well, we'll introduce Chris Scopo last. Thank you Chris. How you doing buddy? I'm good I'm good. Yeah, how's your hair today? It's fantastic today. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. It looks good today. I Real quick the dudes on the couch and and star roast were at the uh...

Yankee game this weekend and what did you guys one of them tweeted which one to be different brandy not here right now he tweeted out uh... a picture of us and you know we look like nerds uh... and it's a cum and me and brana were both wearing or i'm i was wearing orio shirt and brana's wearing a mariners jacket and just kiss one of them

yeah kiss brandy it was a kiss cam what am i gonna do and Orioles shirt and brands ring a Mariners jacket and a Yankee. Did you kiss one of them? Yeah, I kissed Brandon. It was the kiss cam. What am I going to do? It was the kiss cam on his phone that he pulled up. What was I going to do? Not kiss him. It's called shits and giggles. And we just invited every Yankee fan to fight us on Twitter.

And none of them did because they're all cowards. It was so weird. I really thought Yankees have really fought. I was like, I saw and I was I was howling But I was I was just like please Please somebody go beat the fuck out of these guys. I really didn't watch it. I didn't watch it hurt I did want you to be confronted. I just wanted to get someone did crime a good snack. Someone did call me gay Yeah, but you did it on Twitter. Yeah, no, at the stadium. I wanted somebody no with some guy in a

Bozagah, which is as nerdy as it gets. Yeah, we posted it on Reddit. We were like please fight us, but we What the fuck how many yaggy fans back in the day if you were a red sucks hat you fucking mother You have to be rich to be a Yankees song. I can't even hear myself. Yeah, if it's Yeah, you can hear you where you at where you at what what is he? Can you turn on my? I turn them up from you. We got chows at that. Is that better? Yeah, I could hear this. Yeah, okay There you go. What one guy did at a bodega He saw me wearing Orioles shirt and he called me gay. He's like, hey, what do you gay? I was like yeah

I'm gay and I love sucking off guys and he just had no idea what to do with that information He was completely lost because he probably got a heart on. He probably filled up a little chubby titties. He was fucking great boy. You never know what's gonna get you off. I know but I love sucking off guys. Oh my god, I just filled up. Probably to run jerk off somewhere.

Eat some fucking musaka. I'd serve it to him. Watch a nice John Corbett film. Oh yeah. Oh, well, big, big, big wedding. There we go. Somebody say, that's cool. That's a big pool. The name drop right there. You know him, Bob? Yeah. Well, no matter fact. I mean, you're

third. You see me in John Corbett of sex drugs. And that's crazy. I had no idea. Um, but you fucking, you guys really looked the photo of these fucking assholes Was in theory You have to be rich to go to the Yankees game. Yeah, we know it's like they're all wealthy people It's not like people from the Bronx going to the game back in the day back in the day Maybe you will back on the day, but I'm leeches with red socks had on you got punched in the face I used to I get punched in the face now you could sue them and you you'll be a million. Oh, yeah, I should have gotten punched

That would have been nice. It's hilarious that you can just go to a game call out the stadium Just fucking four nerds Yeah, but they also did they did it on Twitter. Yeah, they didn't go to the fucking yanky fans and the Dude fucking homo first of all No, I fucking tweeted it and I have some fucking savage that alpha male dickhead fan Dude I was so Here's what they did they it one of them went after them and they attacked him like raptors And they went for the jugular. I think one of them was just like I fucked your wife's asshole

And I was like oh my i was actually like oh my god like i was like yeah no that's mullin uh... these bad boy of twitter nick mullin the mullin dog uh... but then they just started it but they all piled on like yeah your mother and then we all fucked her yeah we also we fucked his wife uh... then we call their prostitute it was pretty fine it was great to just it was such how is the actual game Twitter gangs? Yeah Yeah, but it's fucking Twitter nerd gangs that frustrate you to punch a wall

But you know you kick cuz you're working you can't go to the game. You can't afford it Yeah, you have shit to do you have kids and you can't go fuck it And then if you did show up these fucking Ford assholes are probably beat the fuck out of you You know, I mean so you have to get your other guy. There's no way they're beating up really ackey fans. We could. There's no jotting hell. Stavros has, I'm telling you right now.

I'm meeting. Stavros has fucking that weird Greek fat guy strength. I got, I got a nice little habit. I was called Feta. Feta, I'm waiting. Yeah, Adam is deceptively, he's wiry, you know, he's got wiry juice drinks.

Is that the Dan Adam Adam I'm looking to? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then momentarily, he's always saying, by skinny guys, they're wiry. It looks like Dan Adam Adam and Lenny Marcus fuck you really does. Just a fuck. And then he could have also just been any two Jews you could have also said and they would have worked with probably. Wow, not really.

Alright, well, I'm sorry. Maybe you're... Ryan Hamilton wouldn't have worked. Gary Gollum. Gary Gollum. Ryan Hamilton's not sure. Famously. Oh, you got no, he actually just turned to Judah. Oh, nice try.

And Wiggle, you weigh in to that one. I did. I wiggled. I don't wiggle. There's a lot of Wiggle at anything. He just converted the Swiss. Fuck you. I ain't fucking it.

Don't fuck with me for an attempt. And then he looks like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be, I'm just going to be like, I'm just a fucking, yeah, I would love to doll this kid up and make him look like a spy. You like to dress up young men, Bobby? Yeah, you like to take him out on the town? No, we get for a dollar and I'm nine?

I don't like to dress up young men. I like to dress up undressed young men. Dress up undressed young men. Deceptively hot young men who don't know they're hot. Oh, yeah. Okay, I'd like to take this cutie patootie, shave that fucking Johnny Knoxville must dash off. Get that fucking hat off his head, Knoxville mustash off, get that fucking

hat off his head, put some gel in there, get him in a nice suit and get him fucking Lauren right up the fucking Stamankia. That because of a giant is too big. This is like the Philippines, the sky weird. Also, just a little, I guess this is now viral marketing. Me and these two guys started a podcast called Come Town. If you wanna come in. I just, I do not. What do you guys talk about? Me and these two guys started a podcast called Comtown What do you guys talk about

Mostly geo politics We're doing a deep dive on Syria right now So just check that out. What do what what is the show about? I'll be really I mean we just bought some microphones and we talked about I think I told the story about showing my dick to a little kid When I was a little kid not recently sorry not that makes that much better I asked if he wanted to like look at privates switch up You know after you killed a squirrel Was that Jim Nurt Norton? Was it under a porch? after you killed a squirrel. Yeah, I was at him. Was that Jim Nurt Norton? Yeah.

Was it under a porch? Yeah. It was. Well, let me ask you a question. So you asked the kid, if you wanted to see your private, you called it private. Yes, because I just had the conversation where it was like, hey, don't ever

show anyone your privates. And then I was like, well, it's got to be cool if my parents don't want me to do it. So I offered it to him. I was like, hey, you's got to be cool if my parents don't want me to do it. Right. So I offered it to him. I was like, hey, you know, just we're playing with Power Rangers. It's like, hey, you know, just crazy idea. You want to show each other our privates. Yeah.

And he was not on board at all. And I'm really grateful my life could have gone down a much different path. So you are also a kid in this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. You have to start. You have to leave. That's great.

Yeah, kid. Yeah, kidd- Can't verify that. How easy everybody is with this. Someone might be like, Yeah, kidd-dick on kidd-dick canceled the dick out. Okay, kidd-dick and kidd-dick is fine. That's good.

Yeah, good dick and kidd-dick. Especially no good. You know what I mean? That's I can follow that math. Lauren's and kidd-dick good again. I can't do it. You want to watch Lauren blow a 70- 70 year old? I used to pull down boys pants when I was little. I used to get in trouble all the time. Really? Yeah. Why?

I wanted to see a penis so bad. Why are you talking through your English? I used to pull down Kigs Bops, but I was a little... He was crazy! Bukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuk She changed the people you're a deep who when was your first time? So first time I sucked the penis. Yes I think I tried I got really close when I was like 15 to your own day Apparently, you know get this set up to the joke. I was 16 Hey, I suck a couple cops That was a real man. Second fucking Eddie Rags dick. Who's that his name? I don't know.

Sean, when was the first time you drew a picture of the dick you psyched? Sean, you're first of all, you're an amazing comic book artist. Thank you. And this is your new, you're working for Marvel now. Actually, I'm working for Marvel NDC right now. Is that legal? Yeah, yeah.

Really? Which one do you like better? I would say it. Can I be honest? Yeah. I like working for Marvel better, but DC pays better. Oh no, shit. I hope they don't listen to this. And this is the new one you did.

Now Guardians, that was, I got that job the day after the podcast last time I was here. Oh shit. Yeah. And this is Guardians of the Galaxy with Deadpool? It's a team up. There's a bunch of one shots in there with one. And it's the team up part?

Yeah, I got it. So I had Ant-Man and Dracks you an Ant-Man and drags wow And they came out around the Ant-Man movie around this here's the fucking great part about it if you he what I fucking love you And I am and totally He put me in the fucking comic book and And I made the cut, right? Yeah. How fucking great is that? Now I think the time to really flatter and portrait. But I just drew the baddest guy he could.

And actually, buddy, it is flattery. He could have went fatter. We know this. I mean, he gave me my head pretty much, but he gave me less tits and less belly. And do I get killed? He got knocked out. I get knocked out, good.

All right, great. You read it. I just got it, you fucking do it. What do you want me to do? I don't know. We're going to read it. Okay, you got it. I'll read it.

You fuck see this. Shit, I was talking about it. That was one small cop. You know, I think you really got a hair trigger with me. I don't know why. Because you're my friend. That's true. That's true. I'd like support for my friends, but that's alright. I would too

I would there's a port near there over there holding your sweat towel. Oh Shit Shit I don't get any fucking support. I fucking I liked it. I liked it. You fucking smash dude one mic That's not fair. That's not fair. Well, that's fucking, that's amazing, dude. I love it. And this is more of a, why is this a- That's a collection.

This is a real, yeah, yeah, like, that's probably five issues right there. Oh, fucking, hey, dude. I'm so happy about this. Now, let's talk about Deadpool for a second. I think Deadpool fucked up the marvel universe i don't think for guardians of galaxy because i think it's uh... really funny and and and uh... i love all the characters there and it can be a little edger but captain civil war captain america civil war was so fucking fluffy white

right to me after seeing deadpool i was like i was watching it, somebody, fuck somebody in the ass. You know what I mean? Somebody, make a blowjob joke, do something. It's like, we can't do this. That fucking very, you know, we have an American part. What's that? It's a Captain America.

He's too good. It's Disney too. I mean, it's Disney. They're kids' moves. Yeah, I know. I mean, I used to enjoy them though. No, I loved them. I loved Iron Man. I used to enjoy them though. No, I love them I love the Iron Man. I love the I guess I maybe I did but I think Deadpool now

It's like fuck I want them all to be that funny. I want them all to be that I mean Deadpool was a comedy Yeah, it was awesome. It was a fucking we started together right boss and boss and that fucking freezing Oh, that was a horrible. I gotta tell you about it. I didn't see Deadpool you didn't see fucking Deadpool If I go to the movies, I got to take my kids like I don't see Deadpool you didn't see fucking Deadpool if I go to movies I got to take my kids like I don't have time for that a movie outside of that iTunes and they were begging me for you could rent it now Yeah, no through yeah I'm pretty sure you can get hooked up with fucking the movie Deadpool. I'm pretty sure no, it's a time thing

It's not that I don't have access to it. I can on-demand it. I want to spend time with this family. I'm just a pussy. What an asshole. Honestly. I'm just a pussy. Honestly. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. Honestly.

I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. Honestly. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy.

I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm just a pussy. I'm like I'm driving around I look at the movie theater like I just go sneak one in just tell my wife I'm at home depot I really I really don't rub and tug it won in it really is a fucking I was at a fucking I'm finished just sexually I'm done I was at a cigar place this weekend in West Palm and I'm looking literally little joint I went to around noon nobody knows I'm just smoking in the back. I look right next door, I'm a massage parlor.

I mean, just neon 12 o'clock, fucking no windows you can see through. It's just, I know, she's just gonna fucking stick fingers in my butt. Fucking, it's pretty good. That wasn't me. All right, who said oh? I know that was the, I think that story. That's all. Are you in there? Are you gonna like, thank you, answer? That wasn't me. Who said, oh, I was, I was, I was bringing up a story.

That's all. Are you in there? Are you going to like, for you to answer? No, no, I was at a massage parlor one time in the woman. She kept asking me if I was a cop. I was like, you a cop, are you a cop? Listen, lady, I'm not a fucking cop. And then at the end of it, she goes, get on all fours.

And she stuck her finger in the, in my ass. And she goes, do you know what I did that? I was like, why? She goes, because if you're a cop, you'll be too embarrassed to tell anyone. And I was like, I'm a comedian, I'm telling everybody. I love the fact she's singing all full of music, you're like, yep. That's about like more than the 40 bucks. She feels like, oh, so she's trying to say what I'm going to do. She was like, I was checking

for a wire. Yeah. Very thorough. I'm back to y'all. There's a fire in the sniper. Listen. Did you like it? I was already a story to tell. You didn't like it.

I did not like it, but I wouldn't go back for that. Did she jerk you off at the same time? Yeah, I was a reacher. I wasn't just a straight. A reacher. So she reached from behind. Did you get go behind your in between your legs? She's doing like both his dad's called milking. Okay, that's what she was doing. Yeah, she was milking you, which is one of my favorite things by the way. Mm-hmm.

Goky. Getting milk. It was not like, it was your cow. Listen, Sadie. First of all, I To you okay fat tit you lost eight pounds you think you fucking on this yeah, I get nothing That feels way too much I'm just a half a second slower. Yeah

I Mike you might you've never had anything you but Wow finger you had a finger and but she was a nurse Well, why did she did she put you did that? You met? That was a Christian mingle back No, she we just had it's actually just popped it pop. Did you cherry? Did it was a blood? No, I never I never did it before and I was like this is Interesting really yeah, do guys like that when you fast like your pulpit Me and stuff we meet once well once a week everyone we we throw shit around we write together sometimes and we

got that we're talking about that girl is trying to write that joke about the girl who wanted to fuck me in the ass. Oh yeah, yeah, that's great. Yeah, dude, it was it was back when my ass was really nice. You know what I mean? That's a weird thing to proposition you with is like we have sex. Well, she's like no, I want to fuck you in the ass with really nice. You know what I mean? That's a weird thing to proposition you with. When you're gonna have sex, she's like, no, I want to fuck you in the ass with a deal.

I'm gonna be very specific with my goals. Well, because I was 25, I was really, everything was beautiful down there. Now it's just like an elephant. I'm like a fucking fat. You're like in life now. No, no, you're not. I'm talking about my dick, my bush fat, my asshole.

You know, all the skin leading up to that point. Like right now, it's like, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's down there. Sometimes I feel like a bump and then it goes away. I don't know what the fuck that was. Was it food? You're talking like a woman before she had a baby. I used to be very put together. Well, it a baby. I used to be very put together.

Well, it's true. I used to be very put together. And she wanted to... She used to play with my butt a lot, you know what I mean? When she blew me in shit. And then I guess she just assumed she was like, I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap on. And I was like, all right, I don't give a shit.

Whatever you want to do. You were down with that? I was like, I'll try it on you. You were aggressive. But we got in a big fight over it because she wanted me to pay for it that? I was like, I'll try it on the shit. But we got to a big fight over it because she was like, you know, she wanted me to pay for it. And I was like, listen, you know, I'm a fucking go havesies. I'm not. I wouldn't even pay full price on other portion with you. It's not like you're throwing

this dildo on after this happens. You're going to be taking it home using it. Yeah, it was back in the day too. I didn't have any. I was a new comic. I didn't have fucking money. I was like, my rent was 125 a month. I lived in an apartment without, I had a, my door had no lock. You just put the door on and you took it off. There was no hinges. It just fit, it fit in the door frame perfectly.

You lived in Tupperware? I lived in a Vietnamese neighborhood. I remember you had fucking leave the house. You'd have to dodge bottle rockets and shit. I was like, you know, I'm a fucking, you know. But I think women do that and correct me if I'm wrong until I establish dominance. Because what's in it for them? They're just fucking you with the dildo. Right.

It's because you establish some kind of a dominance over you. Well, no, no, I don't, I think the dominance though is the sexual part. Because I think to dominate a man like, you know, like some girls like to choke, get choked or be dominated. I don't like to get dominated. I do for a second and then I get pissed off. I usually like, yeah, you like that and she'll fucking do something stupid and then I'm like, don't fucking hit me, you fucking. And you flip it on her? I usually flip it on her. Flip it back. But I was into it, man, she wanted to do it,

fuck a guy. But then she wanted to get like a bigger dick. I was like, get my dick. You can fuck me with my dick right? Right, put it on the flat chair. Yeah, you know, fucking me with your dream dick. I'll take my fucking, you're shopping for moldings. Yeah, it was the Dr. J model. Yeah, right. But it never happened.

So there you go, I wish I I remember what you've never been No, never been fuck this trap on but I remember what he actually He's never been fuck I used to love that shit. I remember I was I was dating I met this girl She was 17 turning 18 like a week later. I waited the week Sure, cuz I just want and I'm cuz of the statute of limitations 17 turning 18 like a week later. I waited the week Sure, because I just want and I'm also the statute of limitations She was so fucking hot. I never fucked her. I just never fucked her because she was 18 I think I was like 26 27 at that. I was living in New York all she would do was

fucking suck my dick and eat my ass. All she did. And I was, but you waited the week to fuck her in her vagina. I didn't fuck her. I just waited the week to fuck around with her. Like until I kiss her and touch her,

fucking titties and fur to blow me. Oh God. I remember she would just, I would take showers and I would just lean up against the wall. I'm gonna be in the rest and she'd be like, I'm gonna fucking eat my ass. I remember. I remember.

I turned her off one time because she was... She was eating my ass and I remember and I was like, you're fucking licked at pussy. She went, what? It was totally gross. Because she was licking like a pussy. I was like, yeah, I was kinda in. Like, that's my pussy. That's my ass pussy.

I keepy clean my ass pussy. Dacin! When I was like 19, my girlfriend was doing the same thing. I had, but it was for my birthday and I had to do it. I'm so happy. Of course. I'm streaming myself. I'm so happy.

It seems to give me the reach around. I remember at one point I looked back and she just had this face like, oh, I was like finish the job. Is it better when she's crying? Always, always. She's the best day. Where did you meet this girl, Bob? I met her at a club course.

I met her at the Boston Comedy Club. So you know how many fuck you fucking back in the day, man? The Boston Comedy Club. I mean, dude, it was me, Patrice, Norton, Valls, D.C. Benny, Ben Bailey, Russ Manifuckin, Chappelle, I tell, I mean, it was a shit club. Nobody, I mean, it was packed. There's drag people on the street,

but fucking smoking chicks would go there, dude. They would just show up there. And you just be on stage, blue, black, blue, black. I used to get blown as they were saying my name. We give it up for Robert. Just go up and fucking just. What ruined that? That's not what happened now.

Is it online dating? Is it? What ruined that? I don't know, a fucking wife that? That's not gonna happen now. Is it online dating? Is it Twitter? What ruined that? I don't know. A fucking wife, a kid, and fucking 90 pounds. No, not for you, I'm not in general. You're a size of a bigger question. I remember once I'm, this is way,

you know, we're all single, but I remember fucking Joe Maderees came in with two fucking retarded chicks. I mean, smoke it. Not retarded like, dog, like retarded chicks. I mean, smoke it. Not retarded like, duh, but like retarded hot. Like, using the word retarded music. Can we think of it in the right place? I love comedy and fucking dick. That's just politically correct. That was Stavros and his fucking... That was Scopo. That was Scopo. That was Scopo.

I can't take it. I can't take it. He's a heat. Whatever. He gave him with these smoking hot Spanish girls. I mean, fucking ridiculous. And that was... Matt and Reese was pretty cool too, a leather jacket.

Right, right. He used to lean, hang on the fucking... Yeah, he's a good looking guy. Just a great... He used to look a little bit like you guys. He really... Well, he was a cool fucking back then man. He had the three quarter, you know, fucking Denero, Main Street's leather,

and it was the Boston Comedy Club. It was pretty fucking, he was a pretty cool looking dude. He's good looking now, but back then, you walk in, you're like, who the fuck is that dude? You know, and he walked in with these girls. I literally just stepped on, I did every fucking joke that killed my fucking fucking fuck the stool, I drank the juice, fucking eight bussie, I had an orgasm, I fucking annihilated. And he went on stage and he's a little more low key than me, you know what I mean? I went on stage and these girls, I went to

the bathroom when they went to the bathroom, they're like, oh, Bobby, you were so funny. And they were just so funny. They were retarded. Dude, there was so. And I spent just people over there. I was star-growing through the trash. Apparently, if you're Spanish, you're retarded. I went in, I remember she was,

she was, they dragged me into the bathroom. One set down started peeing, sucking my dick. The other one grabbed my hand, put it out of my hands. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait go in the bathroom, there's a sink, and then there's two other doors with bathrooms. Shitty, just awful, just toilet. They went, they literally, I went, hey, what's up? Hey, you're so funny, Bobby. They took me into their bathroom. One set down, pulled her pants down, started peeing.

Took my fucking shter man gear out. The other one fucking, I was just feng a fuck making out with, dude, it was fucking nuts. And you hear Joe Maderee Madarice fucking bombing on stage. Yeah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Fucking one of my favorite nights ever. And then just fucking gizzed on the wall. She pulled her pants up. They went back out. I left. I see them walking up with J. Girls. Let's go. I was like, see you later.

If I can get some men's. But yeah. I'm glad you pulled her pants down. I thought that she had had her pants up while she pissed herself While she was sucking your dick, which was making me think that they really were retarded in the story She I didn't think I liked that but a girl peeing while she's sucking your dick. There's something to that Really I want to want to hear you pee though cuz it would sound like a fucking like a broken hose Somebody dumped the pot of water out in the toilet. You have here a sheep piss I want to hear you pee though, because it would sound like a fucking like a broken hose

Somebody dumped the pot of water out in the toilet. You have here a sheep piss Yeah, dude boss comedy club back in the day was amazing, but it's all over now It's fucking done. Maybe we did shooting scenes for the Pete home show. They had the Boston comedy club sign up What is it? What's the Pete home show? He is a new pilot with Judd Appetale. Another one? I think that's surprising. It was with... It was... I was working on him. It's in Pim and Pete and Dove, David Off, for outside like fliring that they used to, I guess, back in the day. That's great. No, I'll tell you, I do like Pete though, good for him. I really do love Pete, is a really sweet guy and that was great too, so I'm happy for them.

But it is weird that there's these things in the business, I don't know if it's in your business too, but there's times where it seems like when you're in and everybody's your friend and everybody's kinda, and then there's times when you're out, and when you're out, everybody else is in, and you're just watching fucking just shit happen, and you're just like, I have a podcast.

You know what I mean? I'm in the fucking out right now. Yeah, we got that, I'm there too. I'm right there. You're not there, you're fucking, you're working with DC and Marvel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm working with the old J.O.P.

I'm working with DC and Marvel. Buddy, you're best friends with John Corbin. What are you talking about? He's not gonna call me for a year. Yeah, I'm working with the old J.O.P.O. I'm working with him. Buddy, you're best friends with John Corbin. What are you talking about? He's not going to call me for ee. Yeah, nothing. I got nothing. I got nobody.

I got no one person in my corner. You got me. Huh? Like I said, I'm finished. You're going to be waiting for that set up. I was going to say shit. I knew someone's coming. You know you're fucking finish when your manager goes,

I gotta do my part. Are you making money on that podcast? You don't. Apparently. You feel about the show. You got $1.99 and maybe $1.99 right here. I got four bucks coming in. You got a TV show. What are you talking about? I'm kidding. I was just on a TV show. It was fantastic. I'm very happy.

But, you know, there's a lot of shit. There's a lot of Other shit going on. It's very hard for me to sit here and listen to you talk about having nothing when I legitimately have nothing No, you're album. Yeah, you got an album coming out. I mean you have a new hour that you fucking got. How great is that? You have something to look forward to. You get to see its progression. You get to push it. You get to pump it. I mean, look, after that, you're gonna be where I'm at. Be like, what the fuck do I have? It is. It's like, you know, after you do something, like, yeah, you film a show. It's great.

But as soon as it's done, you're jobless. This is what's next. You got nothing. I'm fucking, dude. I just bought a saw. It's about a miter saw. You got the shed? Huh? You got the shed? I know. I couldn't throw the ad though. No, I'm not going to, I'm going to take, he gave me a head. This is Scopo Pills. You should throw a handkerchief, but now you just take medicine to somebody. No, it's just a psychological game. Yeah, it's like you're chasing a high.

That's what it feels like. I get the job of all excited that I'm working on the job and I've disappeared. Yeah. And then after your job, you're looking for another job. But other people have jobs. Right, I've got two good jobs now, but they haven't started. So, yeah, I'm just chasing. Oh, that's the nice zone though,

because you know something's coming and now you can just be a piece of shit. Yeah, but you got a lot of fun. I don't feel bad. Oh yeah, I guess food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's two bros. You can't be here.

I just say something though. It's like I look at you fucking, fucking three. What's your name again, dude? I keep it, Adam, and there's a mic, dude. Grab a mic. Adam and what's his name? Nick, Nick. and Stavros

Like I you do look at these guys and it's like you got nothing to fuck you guys have them fun You guys have nothing to lose you just being creative you fuck 44 years old Are you shitting me You really 44? No. Oh my god, I was gonna say, you look fantastic. I want you to choose and do a cup. I'm gonna rub it on my cheeks. Yeah.

Maybe it's pussy. Now, but they want stuff. They're hungry. Yeah, but they get spots. But, well, yeah, but his fucking, exactly, all they want is spots. The rent is what? What's your rent? Five a month. A little more than that, but yeah, but his fucking exactly all they want a spot right the rent is what what you rent five a month a little more than that Okay, six a month we also don't we don't have those dick stocking stories either

Yeah, that's it seems like a good trade-off I would take that All seven of my spots this year for a first- Stop dressing like Nick and your might. That's Nick. Sorry, you're the same guy. Sorry. I actually can't see him. So all we're in, and he glasses.

I work at a divorce law firm with all women. Seriously, that's what I'm trying to do. I don't believe you now. I'm just going to get out. I love you throw one out there. I'm just going to the doctor in the bathroom constantly and just complaining. Yeah, but my point is this, is that to you, I understand what you're at and what you think, like, holy shit, but to me, there is some type of freedom back in the day when

you're just hustling and the spot and doing comedy is the only really thing to fucking manage. I mean, in reality, you have a times of change. and the spot and doing comedy is the only really thing to fuck a match. I mean, in reality, you have a times of change. Everybody's doing everything now. It seems like it wasn't. I don't think back in the day, even when I was coming up here, there was no YouTube, there wasn't any. You've got to deal with a Vine Star. It was just grinded in the clubs now. Now you don't need the clubs really anymore.

You don't have the clubs as an option. I mean, there's not that many people just getting spot spot spot spot spot spots spots. Right. But on the good side is you don't really need them. I don't you need them to become a better comic. You need spots to become. You don't need to jump over. But you don't need to be a better bigger bigger than everybody tomorrow. Most people don't want to do that shit. Most people don't want to have to have a fucking YouTube channel or a podcast or Comics want to just do comedy

That would be great, but now a guy with a fucking vine will have 17 17 million people and sell out fucking three o'clock in the afternoon Shows and make 10 million dollars in front of fucking 13 year olds, but now you can dress up like three shitheads and go to a Yankees Game and get beat up by a woman and go viral and then you're all over the place You're in the clubs. I would have allowed you to be there refused to fight us Wait for Yankees fans Adam Friedle is waiting for me. I won't fight any woman Here's your divorce Bores. But there is something back in the day.

Now, number one, what happens? You guys get to hang out because you're not handling and you're not away every week. And this isn't your fucking job. But when you become like, okay, if you- But they want those things. Yeah, hang on, hang on. I would love to. If you're selling out like a fucking schumer or whatever, where you get to bring everybody

with you and fucking load it on a fucking lear jet. Yeah, that's a blast. But if you're, you know, where I'm at, or we're certain guys right, where you get to go and do, you know, five shows, and I can bring guys sometimes, right? But I can't fucking pay him what I'd love to pay him, you know what I mean?

It's like, you guys get to hang the fuck out. Like all my friends are somewhere else, have like, I don't, we don't fucking the shows anymore. to hang the fuck out. Like all my friends are somewhere else. Right, right, right. I don't, we don't fucking show anymore. We're not hanging out. It's me alone. Mike, you're somewhere on a weekend. Voss is somewhere in Norton.

We're all in these different spots. So back in the day, when you guys used to hang out all the fucking, I mean, dude, Friday's in Saturday's, I was with the Norton Patrice, Voss, Burr, you know, we're all hanging out on the corner. Doing with the Norton Patrice, Voss, Burr, we're all hanging out on the corner, doing what spots all around the city, and then we meet up and go get fucking food down

in Chinatown, and the sun would come up, and we'd go home. So those say- You're right, the camaraderie is there, but the hunger is, they just, the hunger is still the same, I would say, just don't- We have still out at every night trying to get spots,

trying to get spots. What's that? Still out every night trying to get spots and doing all that stuff. Yeah, and that's another thing to me and I got to be real careful because now I have, you know, you home. Yeah, I got to do it. I flew home yesterday and I hung out with the kid. It was fucking awesome. We cooked out and eight o'clock. I was fucking falling asleep on the couch with the kid. I was in bed by 11. It's like, what the fuck is that? I used to do spots every fucking night.

It's different doing spots and then traveling and headlining though. It takes more energy out of you. Especially if you're doing radio one of those days and you know. Yeah, it's different, but it's you know, I do miss the hustle back in the day. Does your family travel with you on the road at all? No, no, fuck that. That's a good way to do it. Well, number one, it would be fucking, you know, money wise, it would be stupid. It'd be losing money.

It would just be ridiculous to bring a three-year-old and a fucker. And then I got to get somebody to watch a dog. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, yeah, if I was selling out a 5,000, a 5,000 Cedar, I could just, you know, I could bring an assistant to carry the fucking dog and the wife and the kid. And it was weird too, you know,

who I met this weekend, Rob Schneider. Oh, yeah. Who bragg? He's actually, I am a fan of Rob. No, I know. I like Rob Schneider, but I've actually, and he's got a new show on Netflix. Yeah, I watched it. Who do I watch it?

What did you think it was good? Well, you didn't like it. I was really good. You know, did you say I didn't like it particularly? I just felt like you felt like kind of a Louis ripoff. It was yeah Because a lot of stand up and there was a couple really funny episodes and there was a couple I was like as Louis rip offie a fucking side fell ripoff No, I think it's a completely different so tone from side fell into my different kind of show So any comic that has that type of show who is there another somebody else has that too doesn't gaffer again have that Got the answer. Yeah, he's a comic and it's a different tone. I'm saying like Marin has well You seem to fucking be picking who you like as a comic to say. Well, yeah, that has something to do with it.

Of course, it has to be good. It's a gem to be good. I would enjoy your stand up. I tell you, it wasn't that much stand up in the show though. You would have maybe cost seen or two every couple episodes. I actually, I liked it. I actually liked it. And I thought it's his real life.

It's real life. What? It's his real wife, his real baby. And it was actually, I was, of course, I was watching, like, what the fuck is this? And I actually liked the first episode. His stalker becomes his assistant, because he knows his whole fucking life.

It was actually pretty funny. It was like, he was like, dude, you got to be here. You got to do this. And he just knew everything about him. So he was like the greatest assistant ever. Do you think Rob Schneider has it at Stalker in 2016? Stop it. I don't think he does.

Jesus Christ. I know dude, what is up? You're like, it's about to be the city you're shitting real slow. I'm just saying, because you sound, you're doing some fucking alternative lead as bullshit. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you're trying to show off for your friends fucking like you. I'm really not. Rob Schneider, let me tell you one thing about fucking Rob Schneider. And I'm not sticking No, you're trying to show off for your friend's fucking like you. I'm really not. Rob Schneider, let me tell you one thing about fucking Rob Schneider. And I'm not sticking up for his stand up, but as far as what he's done in the business, he's done fucking a million movies, was funny in a ton of them. And he was on SNL, had some fucking great characters. And now he actually is doing stand up, stand up.

And his act is not that fucking bad because you don't know it. I went into it like what the fuck is this and after actually watching the whole season his stand-up in it is not that fucking bad. It's not that fucking cheesy. He's actually pretty good as far as those fucking SNL people go. Sure. Well my only argument is that yes and I'm a fan of Rob Schneider. I love everything he's done. Like, you know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't That was really fucking anyway. My fucking bat. I have to take this one out first and then I'm going on and I'm fucking taking you out. Because it's presented like kind of it is realistic. That is what his life really is like. And I just didn't buy that he was, you know, the stalker thing and the like, you know, the first episode. Yeah, I saw you. You fucking cocks.

Yes, that's why I'm coming. I'm not being a dick. I had I watched it. I didn't know that. I thought you just. Yes. No, I saw you give you fucking cocks. Yes, that's why I'm coming. I'm not being a dick I actually watched it. I didn't know that I thought you just Yes, no I watched it and I just found it to be like Presented as if this was real life, but I feel like he kind of made himself seem a little cooler than he is in real life Look dude, you know, I mean where's Louie show? He kind of knocks himself down a peg is you know He's he's not as famous as famous exactly in the show. Schneider felt like he was a little more famous, but he's actually, no, no, no, no.

He's in real life. Exactly. He's famous. No, I think you misread it because he actually trashes himself. He has just shitty assistant. And if you watch all the way through, he loses everything. His family steals everything.

And he's not, every episode is about how he is not that famous. Dude the fucking whole thing they want to do a show with him, but it has to be His life, but they want zombies in it. You know what I mean? It's like so he's doing a sitcom and like hey honey and all of a sudden the zombie brings to it It's it's it's how he gets fucked by everything and these other guys like Sandler and fucking all his friends are way better than him and more popular in the business so it's actually he does not as much as Louis of course look Louis is fucking right our Woody Allen right right you can't

yeah yeah you can't fuck with you can't fuck with Louis what's that I'm sorry the guy looks exactly like Woody Allen took exception to that Louis and I guess he did I mean every comic that here's what's funny is that I I remember a couple years ago I was like, you know, I want to do a this is I think before Louis or right when Louis came out And I was like I had to show about my life and they were like yeah nobody wants they went nobody wants nobody wants a show about a comedian but now you look and that every fucking comment I absolutely believe did anyone say that dice show they just I like that one because it's so over the top it's great but that's actually dice yeah I mean I know stories from Norton where dice really I'm over here now

I don't know I fucking I maybe I'm look I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to TV I like fucking my favorite show was psych I love the song I love the song too. I know, I know. So I'm not saying, you know, but I actually like Snyder's show did not fucking, I did not hate it. I liked it. And as he ended up in it was actually pretty good.

He shot the whole thing without nobody. He had a cell at the Netflix too. So he took a big risk to do that. How did you meet him? Was he just with you performing? So no so no no so I go to do radio down in now west Palm Beach uh uh Paul and young Ron right great show great guys um and they're like the number one morning show around that area and and um they had me on but he had me guesthouse because young Ron was or young Paul was out right Yeah, it's a young one Hey, it's just funny because he's just this red faced old guy. Oh, okay. Just this Irish guy that looks like a he's been out in the sun too long

So I show up to a fucking house. I'm signing it and I look at the bottom of the call. She says Bob Kelly stinks And I look above my name and it says Ridge Voss. So fucking I go up and say his Voss is there in a purple golf outfit. It's priceless. I'm just, you can't, the smile on my face. So they start to show me and Voss just slamming each other. He can't even fucking say anything. He doesn't even know what to do. He's like, what's that guy? You stupid, small hands,

fatso, queer shirt, you know what I mean? And then Rob Schneider comes in and everything quides down because I don't know Rob. He doesn't know Rob. It's Rob Factor Schneider. He's wearing a hat like a Scally cap and a scarf and he has another jacket on and he's got a metal cup with One of those coils to make your own tea and he's got another bag with tea and he walks in and he sits down Hey, Rob. Hey, you're doing on and he starts you know they come back on. He's telling a story About this coy pun. He's like, you know, there was a bunch of story about a coy pond and there was his fish And he's going on and on and then the guys let them talk, and he gets the end of story,

and there's nothing. And Vos goes, hey, you have any more Koypon stories? And then I go, I go, I go, why the, he goes, come on man, I just flew here, I go, did you wear the scarf on the plane when you're solving crimes? We just started smashing. How'd he take it? He was loving it. you were the scar from the plane when you're solving crimes, we just got some magic. How'd he take it?

He was loving it. That's why we were like, he's a cool guy. Dude, Vos was fucking hammering him. We were like, you look English. We're like, we're just fucking smash it up. So it was actually, he wound up being a real nice guy, you know. I think there's a South Park sketch about him that really took him down in like the national perspective of him. Do you remember that? Oh yeah yeah where was the

Rob Schneider? Yeah yeah. He's gonna pull up or whatever it is. Scoop just left yeah. Scoop just left but he's not supposed to be on the computer. It's supposed to be her and what can I do for you? Are you wearing head fucking fog? Are you listening to the show? Guys, stop looking at her, because she's fucking likes one of you, Fox, and I don't know which one it is. I think it's this guy over here with the fucking... We're going to be great if you had an episode of the Bachelorette as part of the show.

What do you mean? She gives somebody a rose. I've never seen the show. How's it work? I don't know. I just heard that. When did you go? Are you all right? Did you just go fight somebody?

Did you and Scobo just fuck? We all got to go. What'd you just do? At the Pumoni in the meter. Oh shit. Anyways, I don't know the show. There's like an elimination. She has to choose the bachelor. Yeah, where's he going? Let's move that camera out of the way so people can I think I'm going to show. There's like an elimination. She has to choose the bachelor. Yeah, where's he going? Let's move that camera out of the way so people can

fucking use the bathroom. Can I get a water, dude? Yeah, anarchy. There's a little anarchy. There's a lot of shifting. Anarchy. There's a lot of shifting. Let me read this real quick.

And then I want to go into this. I want to talk. I want to get your take. I want to talk. I want to get your take, I want to get you take on, um, this old topic, but, but I'll bring it up, broke back mountain. What? I watched it again and it affected me.

I haven't seen it. Oh, dude, it, I'm, I want to talk about broke back. Wobble weather is finally here and that means it's time for spring cleaning. You can spend time sprucinging up your house and yard, but if you really want to fresh start, do what I did. Get Casper. It's the one perfect mattress that will help you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to fully enjoy

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Go to Casper.com and use code word, dude, DU, DE for 50 bucks towards the purchase of your mattress. That's Casper.com code word, dude, for 50 bucks towards the purchase of your mattress. Casper.com terms and conditions may apply. I really do. I have it. It's unbelievable. And it's cheap under a thousand bucks for a king size mattress. Nice. I have one too. It's great. I wish you'd eat like $2,700 on a beauty rest or fucking rip off. Like $700 on a beauty rest. What is that? That's a mattress. That's a mattress. You like the Ford? Yeah. That's your food for a year. I would love $2700. I, um, I, uh, what is he going?

Are they fucking heroin and X? What are they doing? I think pissing was my guess, but do we want to see that at Rob's night or sketch? What is it? South Park clip of Rob Schneider. Yeah, go ahead. It's kind of iconic.

Make it big though. You know how to do it. Make it full screen. 13 14. Oh, this one. screen crank up 13 to 14 yep I got it right 13 and 14 but only problem is he's about to become a carrot 24 carrot Oh, my! I carried it! 13th century. The love of Christ.

Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now, Rob Schneider is a stapler. About to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is the Staplet. Made it be G-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- Look Schneider I like actually like Schneider in all the movies and his daughter Yeah, I Imagine fucking heaven that jizzing in that I think I'm Ellie King I believe imagine geezin out that and then at some point you daughter sing you like That's what she looks like I would quit the fucking business. She had a player song. You get a really famous song.

Tell me when you get the song up. I fucking, oh my god, she's amazing. Her song's amazing. Yeah. And she's legit. It's no fucking joke. You got it? You ready?

Go ahead. Unbelievable. Hi, I'm El King, and this is X as a nose. Wait, what? This is Rob Schneider's daughter. I thought you were going on. You know, when I heard this song, I thought you were going on. I thought you were going on. I thought you were going on.

You know, when I heard this song, I thought you were going on. I thought you were going on. Rob, you're going to sing the March. I guess, first of all, she brought up the fucking, I know. But it out of the original stuff. Rap, she had her finger on the marshal. I got a first boss. First boss, she brought up the fucking, I know, but it's not the song. I'm fine. That's a good fucking, I don't want you

or fucking acoustic jam. I don't want fucking unplugged assholes. That's all. Let's take it down a notch. I want the fucking song that's ahead with all the other portion. There we go. All right.

Auto two. All right, hit. She's kind of cute too. I like she's a little chubby. She's a little chubby. Yeah, I'm in there. Of course you are I do have a type. All right. What are we doing a lead in? Oh, here it is I Sounds good I showed him all the things that he didn't understand. Whoa. I want a sauce of ginger.

Then I let him go. Now there's one that you have to put some on him. Sounds good, right? Right, no. No, you don't like it? No, I said she's really letting go of that guy. Yeah, right. Well, dude, who are you going to put in your video?

I mean, if Star Wars could have been good in it. I would mean I would love to be a video. I'm trying to get there It's like me doing a song and I put a fucking bunch of girls like me in it Yeah, but you're a guy and good looking chicks fuck dude status yeah, and you know and hot dogs apparently from this video All right speaking of hot dogs apparently from this video. All right speaking of hot dogs broke my I think I'm gonna go broke right after Casper. I was watching the I'm a big fan of westerns who's a fan of westerns really what's your favorite western in the microphone because run out of jazzy wells is great that's a good

one I like that one what's's your favorite Western, dude? The high-plane's drifter. That's a, oh, dude, you sound like a hot-plane's drifter. And there's a new, the magnificent magnificent set. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. I don't like that.

First of all, he did it. No way. You saved him for the fucking, you're in the thumbdom. You're constant. I was going to say the ridiculous six was a joke. That's what I'm gonna say okay All right, you have a fucking steal me if you have a rob for me. He's done I will fucking fight your stop roast and you're fucking gay Magnificent seven is

Coming out. Oh my god. It's go well It's coming out shut up. It's a, you don't even know what the magnificent. No, I do. I watched the trailer for it. Who's in it? Uh, isn't Chris Pine in it? I don't remember. Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's he's played. That was hateful. It was great. Anyways, I'm a big fan and if you watch broke back mountain, it's a really good Western up until the point he fucks up in the air Like if you want like I was watching it I was watching this I'm watching the movie and I'm like what a great this is just Cinematically and the fucking it's like wow these guys and then and then it's cold out one night

And they get drunk by the fire and talking and they get getting in and he says come on in and it's cold and He gets in and then I'm just like fuck it just turn it just it's called a plot twist. It's a I'm just like fuck it just turn it just it's called a plot twist. It's a That's called a fucking left-wing Wait a second That's what I'm saying there must be there must be some red necks out there that like what's the Just on Cold-dew

Get in the tent with it jutter and you're nothing On a sheep dick. I just sticks it in his bean ass. And they show they're just eating beans and fucking just coffee and beans and cigarettes and whiskey. You know, they natural loop. And they, oh. And then they got drunk that night. And then they get, you know, you know,

you ball smell like smoke from the fire. And then your hands. They didn't shower too. They didn't shower. You know, he had a stick. He had a fixed, fixed the logs with his hand and there's some ash and smoke on it. And then he just smithed.

No, and that's the real thing. Just fucking sheep and tors and fire and fire and beans and just spit. You even clean it, just fucking rub it on your dick that hasn't been washed. That's great. And then you put it in his butt that just saying dirty the whole thing is dirty. It's just fucking not. It's like, you're like, fuck me, dude. I'm not into this anymore.

Maybe some of them like it though. Huh? Maybe some of them like it like that. Dude, there's no way that he fucked him, okay, and then just went to sleep after that. Someone went outside and watched it dick in a river. That's true. Somebody you had,

or wiped it on a sheep. All right, just me. All right, just, can I punch it up? Wipe it on the tent, would've been by. That's just me. Wipe your dick on on the tent would have been by That's just me why would you dig on the tent would have been fun Listen, it's it was just it just took a left turn But I'm sure there's truth to that like a lot of like in the cowboy population There has to be a gay community within the cowboy population. Yes. Now the only cowboys are gay

What now the only cowboys are gay like you? Now the only Cowboys are gay, like, you know, in the village, hopping around, YMCA. And... Oh. I think this, I absolutely when you're out in the fucking, but it wasn't like it was fucking, you know, 1898. It was, you know, it was like the 60s, the 70s, right? When did that movie take place?

70s? I didn't really. Yeah, but it's like, okay, you're out there for a long time. right when was that one of that movie take place 70s? I didn't believe that but It's like okay, you're out there for a long time and but then when they when they did it like he grabbed his arm and put it around him Right, which I was it which which didn't bother me like I was like okay cool. I get that because it was something Sexy or sensual or something about it, but then when he woke up and he they almost fought where it was like you fuck what the fuck How do you know who fuck and then they start kissing and it's like, and it was like, it's too like fucking, I don't know, it was too angry for me.

Like, it was like, you fucking try to fucking, and then he's like, and it's fucking, yeah right back to it. Just fucking stuck it, took his Wranglers down. How do you know he fucked through that? How do you know?

The one who spitting his hand. No, no, no, no, I'm saying like, we're between the two of them, who resides. I don't know the guy. All right, how's this? The guy who had it, the clock in his butt all night, and then took the other guy, he's getting it. The guy, what's his name?

Peter Ledger. No, the other one. Jake Dillon Hall. Dillon Hall was the it. The guy he what's his name? No, the other one. J. Jellin Hall was the was the bottom the taker was the bottom. How do you know? Because he was because he grabbed him and put his arm around him. And he you know he made the move but it was a very feminine enough feminine. Yeah, I would say feminine move. It was very soft and gentle like hold me.

You know, let's get warm, you know and Jake flipped out like what the fuck you I don't hold man Kiss them and fuck them in the air Summer of 1963 in Wyoming 69 I believe actually hey He's some mother Hey, he's some mother rider. Someone has. I don't know, it's just, I just could, I could imagine somebody from now,

not hearing about that movie. Like later when that movie does die out and there's just cowboys, well they shot at the Wyoming. Cool for Wyoming. Yeah, I've been to that, I've been to that gully. My father done do sheep up there.

He's Creole. they watch with the family I wouldn't be surprised that is illegal in Wyoming now what's that Gasex, I mean gay sex is not legal in Wyoming. I wouldn't be shocked if it was Now they're some there's some laws like yeah laws on the books where Sodomy is not legal in Massachusetts or something is it really? So I can't fucking the ass anybody good thing you didn't take that deal though What's that what was that Western series that was on HBO was fucking awesome? series that was on HBO was fucking awesome. It only went to that way.

That was so amazing. But I always thought the same thing. It's like, how do these chicks just take these fucking dirty dicks? Yeah, like I do think of that. Back then, this was the 60s though. It's like, you know, get a bar soap. Wash your dick in the fucking river. They had Irish green in the 60s.

But back then, yeah, like whores back in the, I mean, that's why people died at like 28. Because you just stick in the eggs and hands and huh? I mean that's why people died. Yeah, like 28. Yeah, cuz you just stick it I just assumed everything in hands and huh. I just assumed everybody had VD I don't think everybody has imagined what because I join us on Game of Thrones I think that too like when they fuck on Game of Thrones It's like you haven't showered in months. Yeah, you've been running From mother fuckers for months, but you come in and just

there's something about that that turns you on. It's like wildling pussy. I think. Oh, it's north of the wall. I don't think I have to smell you got to fight through. I mean, look, I've wanted or you not want it. orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón?

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¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿Y qué, green orchón? ¿La región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca? Espectacularismos, lincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desesperan.

¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Carifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. anybody gonna jump in at any point or I can't really get enough in so maybe you know somebody built me out here how much of some power through on stavros so they're like balls are a little repugnant but it makes me laugh a little long yeah I have to try found them it was the smell I was that was that's where the smell was coming from my balls were very visible I've got

some meat and you know can you not take away the joke when we make something? No, my balls are good. We get it. We get nice balls. We get it. Just making fun of your balls. I don't know. Nobody knows what your balls really look like. Yeah, we get it. Better. Let me see it. Let me see them. Let me see them. You know my balls. Yeah, pull your balls out. Do it. I know that I want to. Oh it's a fucking game changer when she said it. Just show her. I want to show her my balls. Why?

No, she stopped Lauren. Right, Hore. Jesus Christ. I mean, I guess I'll pull my balls out. Is everything what we want to do here? I don't want to. But you know, Megas feel weird about it. Well, it is kind of weird to do it.

I'm asking you to see my balls. I was watching, I was watching fucking broke back mountain. Yeah, you move the band. Asking me to see my balls. They'll be watching, I was watching, fucking broke back mountain. Yeah, you in the mood right now. Lily, this is Bobby, let's hit the tent, let's get a fire going, and then we'll talk about this. I am getting a tent. Really?

I am, I have my kid wants a, we're gonna sleep on the ground. I think, man, if you're getting a tent in your pants. That was obvious, really. Thought you were getting hard from the competition. Did you just make us all hacks? I was sure that same thoughts. Did you see those tent pods they got now? What did you get? I just saw a commercial.

I did see those. Like tent pods. You can attach rooms and there's like a big tent. I did see that. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's the opposite. Camping. Yeah, yeah.

Build a house. That might actually get you. Yeah, these really big tents. But he can't think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Bill the house. That might actually get you. Yeah, these really big tents, these have doors and windows. If you want to start your own community, we have 10 pots. Is eating, is eating involved? Yeah, I don't want to fucking. I don't want to connection to another tent.

That's just a fucking shit thing. Just my aunt Peggy. Hello, tapping on the tent. That'd be cool if you're younger though. If you're like, if you're like if you're You know how camping and get a huge tent when like you fuck around everybody Nobody in the room is younger no we are been having as you're not you're not how old you 29 Yeah, you're 30 dude. I'm 29

Me and stop us going camping and I hugged himself He just brought you into a fucking act out Podcast act out the King That's Chris Scopo God I have to go to this party after this after my my agency Gertricks just having they emailed me and I They're really cool. I'll ronda the ladies great the head lady. There's emailed me. They're really cool. I, Rhonda, the lady's great, the head lady,

there's awesome. Everything works really nice. Actually, one of the best agencies I've ever worked up because they're actually human, like they'll, hey, happy birthday and stuff like that. But there's a party down the street I have to go to. And I don't wanna go. Because at first of all, I'm shitty.

If there's famous people there, I'm gonna suck. I don't know how to talk to him. I'm gonna ruin it No, you can do great, Bob and then huh? I believe in you. You're gonna do great You want to go on me? Why don't you give stop? I want to go I'm gonna bring him as a nice girl. Which one should I bring out of the to eat? I can bring one now I bring them both. I'm not bringing both to those fucking It's like the movie slap shot They're a pair. I gotta go, oh, fuck it's, it's not that I'm nervous. It's they have their party.

They're much what the fucking anniversary? No, they're, you know, the thing, when they do the thing. Uh huh. It's a celebration. Yeah, celebrate their agency. No, yeah, it's, what do they call up front party? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're cool. I mean-huh. A celebration. A celebration. A celebration right there, agency. No, yeah. What do they call up front party?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're cool. I mean, everything there is cool. I mean, I'm going to know people there and ship. But, you know, I just, you know, I'm going to make an appearance, say hi. I think they have food there. They'll have food there. It's at a bar.

But I always feel weird too. What's wrong? Because here's the thing. I always, I've never never for the last four years five years have I been in shape enough to feel good at one of these parties so I've always felt fucking uncomfortable on my own skin because of the way I look physically so when you go to like okay so I'm going to California next week. I'm going to do Marin which I'm fucking ecstatic about. I'm very psyched to get to do Marin

and I'm flying out to L.A. to do it. I'm flying in Monday. But you know when I go back to L.A. I haven't been there and last time I was there I think I was in shape a little bit. So you're gonna see these people and you know know, you know, the first thing is like, what the fuck? You know, if they haven't seen me on Twitter or anything, they're gonna be like, dude, what the fuck? So it's like, anywhere you go, you feel fucking, hey, you wanna take a meeting?

I guess, like in your head, you're always thinking that you're gonna make it back to getting into shape. Right. Like in your head, you're like, dude, give me six months. Yeah. But I didn't do it in four years. You know what I mean?

I almost got there and then something happened. And even this time I was almost there. We were working on that. We were doing good. And then, I don't know, I fell the fuck off. I mean, I just have to remember that these industry people are soulless bags of shit. And they only see you as money.

They don't care about your body. They just see you as money. They don't care about your body. They just see you as money potential. Yeah, I know, but it's just in your own head. Thank you for these guys. Is there like an upfront thing going on this week? I think so. Yeah, because I got a cartoon coming on an adult swim. That was a great segue.

Paul. Hey, you need any voice guys for that. Who does that? What's the, what's this? Was that you? Do you do voices? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, here in Nick, do you have any of a cartoon coming on adult swim and I did all the design work and I directed the show. Oh, sure.

And they're in town now for the up fronts. I didn't think it was here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that stuff going on right now. And they do it differently. You know, affects the Fox. Did there's like a month and a half. During shooting, we went to a party at the bowling thing.

And there's this fun. There, like some of these are, you know, you go to a thing and it's ago. During shooting, we went to a party at the bowling thing and there's his fun. Like some of these are, you know, you go to a thing and it's very, you know, this is the shows and these are the stars. FX is like, fuck it. Let's just go bowling. And, you know, all the famous people go there. Louis Anderson was there, I got to meet him.

It was fucking, oh, he's so funny. He just sat there, just in the chair. Hi, hi, hi. And he smashed Dennis Liri. chair. Hi, hi, he smashed Dennis Liri. He was like, you're fucking Dennis. Oh, he was and Dennis was laughing too. He was just attacking Dennis in front of me and him. But he was so funny. He came up to you for it. He haven't you haven't not been successful for years.

I was so funny. It was awesome. But yeah, like these things though, like I can be good at them, but I like when I go with somebody or something, but it's like fuck. I know it's just gonna, I always feel uncomfortable. And then when I'm gonna go eat something, when it takes something off a plate,

someone's just gonna see me shoveling food in my face. That's good to do that. If they're like, oh my God, I mean what happened? I haven't seen you in a long time, just take the food off their plate and start eating it to make them feel fucking That was that was the first guy but that was a joke that wasn't a suggestion right? Because that might have been real that's how fucking terrible it was I'm the first guy to get this to see entire thing um no use for but everybody's been doing pretty good so far

Yeah, sorry, but everybody's been doing pretty good so far. Yeah, sorry. I mean, hold on the microphone. You're not put on your lap. No, no, I'm owning it, man. I'm owning it. I'm owning it, but I'm taking it. Yeah, hold it. I don't know.

Fucking weird. It's a weird time. Like, how are you doing in your career? How are you doing? Yeah, I'm struggling. Are you struggling? Yeah, yeah. How are you doing? Worse than him. How are you doing? You career? How are you from? I'm struggling. Are you struggling? Yeah, yeah. How are you doing?

Worse than him. How are you doing? You know, trying to get spots. I'm not looking at you. I'm looking through. I know. Not even good at it. But you're doing good.

No. I don't support a family. That's a wife and two kids. He's doing great. You've got a show coming for these. You missed his upfront, sir. He works for two companies. The two big ones.

The two top companies. Not doing terrible, but I'm just kidding. I'm not doing great. And he's got a beard. What else could be going good? What are you missing? Money. OK.

Yeah, money's a motherfuck. I mean, imagine if you had how much money would it take for you to just be like, I'm fucking, I'm fucking. Seven thousand dollars. Oh, I could actually make your life quit. Yeah. I could ask mom, we're rich.

I'd call my mom. If I could put that money in both, be good. If I could say the word florentapist. You can't, so that's gone, that's out. So that jokes gone. How much money for you to be like, I'm not doing this anymore. I don't have to do this anymore. I'm not doing this before.

And I've actually, we mean patrissius to do this all the time. I think the number is, that's what he came up with the joke where he said, it can't be a million because once you spend a buck you're a thousand there. It would have to be five mill to not do what stand up or to to if you said if you said to me you got to quit the biz you can't do anything else. Oh geez. And I would say five mill. I could do if I if you had to go more minimum, I mean, okay, if you're saying comfortable,

if I give whatever I want, it would be 10. So I could pull it off of it. Well, you got to get another job doing something. You have to work. Yeah, you have to work. Yeah, I'd fucking, you know what I would do? I'd make a furniture out of dead trees. It would take me four years to make one chair.

Hey, you know what, that's not a bad idea. I've seen those guys do that and that's really something, then. I do that. Yeah, it would take me a long time. Really a craft. Yeah, thanks. For those guys. Hypothetical Bobby is thanking you right now. Thank you. Thank you for my email. You want a card? I have a card. Here's a card. Where's my cards right here? Have a card. It's Bobby's probably it's called Bobby's chair All right, I'll take that back to Bobby. Yeah How long how much would it take for you? Oh realistic. I don't know man. I don't know what else I would do Honestly to not do stand-up right ever again. I don't even know you can't write anything You can't just because you know see it can't kind of be in the business at all. Here's the thing though.

That's what I'm talking. What I be miserable. That's what I think. I would rather do stand up. I don't know what the fuck else I would do. Have you ever been to Edmington mall and stand up? Six days. But nothing you're saying do nothing. I mean, maybe write some TV or something. No, there's no writing of TV. Yeah, but that's a thing, dude. It wouldn't be fun if we were like, but you can write TV. The only way this is fun is if you want to say what I'm saying.

The only way it's fucking fun is if you say you can't do anything. Like, how much would it take for you to not pick up a fucking pen ever? You can't do it. Come on. I've got to be miserable. Seriously, I have to draw. There has to be something. An amount.

I'm talking cash, no taxes. Never draw again? Cash, no taxes. How much would it take? So breaks your fingers. And there's no limit. You can have whatever you want. It can be 10 million.

It can be 300 million it can be 300 I know we know you're fucking values Seriously, what would it take just put a number on it. I know None of us would I would never give none of us are really give okay happy now that I gave you the out What would it be? What would it give me five milk All that you go like 50 at least Moses. What do you got? 100 grand. What's your number? 10 million bucks. 10 million.

You're out. 10 million bucks. 10 million. What are you? Like $40 million. $40 million, dude. What about you? A lot.

That all sounds good. How much? That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million.

That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That's $40 million. That Like $40 million. $40 million, dude. What about you? A lot. That all sounds good. How much? I don't know. Like, get 15. A pick-and-number, just to get the $20 million. What about you, man? Nick, I like $300 trillion.

There's no upper limit, right? Why wouldn't you just say all the money? They can't have all the money. There's a lot. I know why can't you have all the money? You can have all the money. You can have all the money. You can have all the money. can't have all the money. There's a lot. I know why can't you have all the money You know all the money dreams too All right a dollar less than all the month Goes much money is like that so there's not a realistic number a Realistic I mean realist number dude to say fuck it. You're out. You're done

Well, but then it's not like a realistic guy like he said. I mean it would be pretty shitty if you just like couldn't do comedy You can do anything else You could fucking help children you could make jewelry No, you could fucking do you could come up with your own mustache wax Yeah, none of those things to fill the rest of I have a tie Work in advertising you can write jingles. could do that. I've done that before and that's fun. Okay, so you could do that. That counts as comedy writing.

No, no, no. You said that in a corporate way. I mean, you have to lie to yourself in the thinking it's like, he's writing it. You're never. No, but there's deadlines and it's a corporate, you're in a corporate structure. What about you, Skopal?

You're not getting blown by two retardedly hot chicks. Right, I have commercials. I would take that. I would take that deal, take that deal the bathroom deal What do you got 50 million probably 50 million? Yeah Wait a minute stop one second look at me in the eye. Yeah, you're more than me Look at me in the eye. You're fucking more than me. I

Got long gonna live. Listen, you should take this. Oh, that's pretty good. Listen, yeah. Let's go, but pay off for you 10 million, you're like, go fuck yourself. 49 million dollars. That's really the only 20 grand I'm good. Listen, I'm how we, Mandel, you should take the back of the deal. Take the form, 400,000.

Oh, man. What about you, Deepz? Oh, man, I have to become a comic first, but. Oh, shit, saved myself. Yeah. Let's go 10 G's. What about you deeps? Oh man, I have to become a comic first, but oh shit Let's go 10 G's 10 G's He wants to build a computer Some people have so much fucking money. It's crazy like to be able to look at your be able to look at your fucking Imagine having millions in the bank and just going to look at your fucking... imagine having millions in the bank and just going to look at your balance.

Are you happy though? Yes! Are you? Why are you fucking? Well not because of that though. Why would you not... Why would fuck it? Because you're eventually going to even out.

You're eventually going to get used to that. You're going to get accustomed to that money. And then that original happiness is going to wear down. And you're going to go back to a base level. What's up Lizzie? Is that a package? Oh, fucking man. He's Kevin Brennan's contest. Hey, man, who is this? Is the note in here? Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, medicine. Hey, Aaron, thanks so much, man. You gave me these cigars. That's awesome. Let me take a look at these. Oh, he's

got some of my father's in there. Big thank you very much. That's awesome. Let me take a look at these. Ooh, he's got some of my fathers in there. Thank you very much. That's sweet. We'll smoke these next week's Stavvy Bay. Let's do it. The note is on there by the way. Is there a note? There's a note inside, right? No. Okay, great. Hey, thanks a lot, man. Well, there's a lot of fans this week and it was Palm that brought cigars after the show. I came home with a fucking fistful of cigars. Did you bring some too? Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. One free month of premium for this. Wow. That's a full, man. That's a good one, too. Shit, I've never had that one. Maduro.

That means black. It's very nice, man. Wow, that's a fucking hot one right there. Is this a ziploc that you you they gave you? Wow, that's fucking great. Thanks man. That's so nice. What do you did you bring anything? Huh? He's on the fence about fucking signing up for the He's got the key to all the Maryhawks.

Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Get me a nice room before you get some side tail He's on the fence about fucking signing up for the pre- But he's got the key to all the Maryhawks Let's see, let's just be back there Get me a nice room before you get some side tail You being the way back to Webchester How long you been married? 18 years You got a good, you're not married? Yeah, Mary, I got a baby girl who's 16 months

Jesus, congratulations Yeah, she's awesome We were in the hospital for four days last week, 12 grand. Jesus. Jesus. I don't wait a minute, dude. What the fuck happened? Oh, she was having little, like, chills

and that look like seizures in her first breath. Oh, it's nothing. And then we brought her and I showed my buddy who's a pediatrician in a comic, much better doctor than he is a comic. And, you know, I've had a couple questions for him already, like, throughout fatherhood. And he's always like, I, you're overreacting. And this one he goes out, dude, you've got to get her into, like, an neurologist. I wouldn't think you're crazy if you go to the emergency room.

She's, yeah. So we went there and we just basically paid our deductible for the year. And on top of the thousand bucks a month, so. Holy, you have Obamacare? Yep. He doesn't care that much. Jesus. I don't fucking get it man, that breaks my heart.

Yeah. So you're 12 grand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what was wrong with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean now it looks like it's gonna be nothing. Like she was having like little, like a siege, like a real siege was probably 10 seconds

and she was having stuff that registered as seizure activity for like a second. And it was only happened a few times a day, but she was having these little fake things where she would just be like, so, that's apparent, like you can't just do that. Oh, she's probably gonna be fine. You know, you gotta go in there

and you gotta make sure she's gonna be good. I'll be honest with you, my wife is, you know, she's fine, he's fine, he's fine. I'm like, fuck you, check his temperature, call the doctor. You know, I'm a little, I'm a little way too much and she's a little less, you know, because my mom was like that too, you're fine, you know, I remember, you're fine, he's fine,

he just taken aspirin and, you know, and I went up with fucking mono and like six grade, almost died, you know, it was like fuck you. That's why I Never would do that to my kid. It's that's crazy. I'm more the other way I'm like, oh she's gonna be fine like my wife's like she has to eat organic and you know Everything has to be washed with an organic dish soap. I'm like fuck relax. Yeah, I don't know about that shit Yeah, my kid eat to fucking almond off the street. Yeah, I hear shit about fucking.

Right, right. So, and I'm always the one is like she can have a piece of, she can have a fucking hot dog. It's not going to kill her. But this time it was like, and then I can very easily ignore stuff. But then when she pointed out to me, I was like, yeah, I guess it is something. Yeah. I sent the video and when she saw the video and goes, you got to go. It's like, okay, now we got to go. Yeah, I sent the video. And once you saw the video, and you go, it's like, okay, now we gotta go. So we took spring into action.

So. And here's the thing is that when your kids sick, they change. They're like, my my kid got sick a couple weeks ago, Max in the middle of the night, he had that group shit. And he couldn't, he couldn't breathe right, because it's like, when a kid gets a cold, it fucks him up. You know, because their lungs aren't big enough.

It's not, you know, they can't handle it like we can. And it gets us dry cough and he couldn't any threw up and it took him outside and he shivered and I'm like, you know, there's nothing that fucks you up more than your kid not being right because they're, you like, you know, like, dad, dad, I'm not feeling good, you know, it's like, boy, fucking kills you, man. If fucking breaks your heart, and then you go to the doctors and he was hooked up to this thing and it was,

yeah, and that was it. She was hooked up to a machine for like three days. I'm like, okay, it's 24 hours and it comes in the next day like, listen, we just, we don't know yet. It's inconclusive. We got to do that 24 hours and you're just fucking. And then my wife's worried about other meds gonna do something to her like personality long-term so you're worried about that even if you get out of there you're still worried about like developmentally yeah what you can be like so what I'm trying to say is please buy the album it's

this is all fake he doesn't have a kid he's not married He doesn't have a kid he's not married You really have a kid yeah She was sick I'll put comedy for 12 grand Yeah dude that's fucking that's terrible that's terrible man really so you really buy his fucking album It I'm not kidding man. It's fucking crazy right now because the power of, you know, our financial success is literally in the hands of fucking these people. Like, you know, fans, it's it.

Like come to my show, buy a fucking ticket. I sell out, they bring me back, they pay me more money. Yep, it's a giant brick. Bringer all the time. It pay me more money. Yep. It's a giant bridge all the time It's just that's it. It doesn't matter what lever you're at and you know, you have an hour special Just go buy it a watch it and the more people that watch it and the more people that support it the more money you'll get No sure and it's it's but what the fuck sticks? I mean, yeah, so much out there. Do you have a have your gimmick? Yeah, you have to have a people yeah What the fuck sticks? I mean, you have so much out there. Do you have a gimmick? Do you have to have a people? Yeah.

What the fuck makes people go, what makes people get into, it's almost like a, like a, like a cattle mentality where they're like, you know, ooh, no it is. But I don't know what some guys that I think are hilarious, myself included, it's like, what the fuck do I have? And then you start questioning yourself, maybe maybe I'm not I don't know Yeah, I fight I think I just killed I think I just killed you know

I'm like are you killed but are you having an an an effect where they go home and they're like we got to see this guy again We got to see him when he comes to town. We got it some guys have that where it's like But some guys get that or some girls get that like they didn't have it But then they got it and it's like who the fuck where's that door? What's that window? We look at the guys who have it and you know, I look at that too And I'm like what's the common is there a common theme where somebody goes home and I think some of it is like Female driven fans. Oh, like go home and are like, they're the one, because guys are just like tired and they'll go out, but the women were like, well, they're all like, they're friends and

family and like, you got to come out. See this. Yeah, but they're always like the planners and the relationships and the ones setting stuff up. Like guys just fly by the fucking side. They're pants. I mean, you think about how many concerts you've been to and how many concerts your wife's been to or your, you know, your girlfriend's been to. They're the ones that

like spend the fucking entertainment dollars and make the plans. There's something in that. There's something like that that we're that I'm not seeing that I'm not considering. It's more than just killing. Yeah, I mean, it's very hard to just get that kind of effect just by being good. But if you say that about what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, then you put burn to it. It's like burn doesn't have a, it's not a female fan base. It's a guy fan base. So what the fuck is it,

is it just that funny? Like did he just fucking say fuck you, fuck you, fuck you until people like, look man, you know, he's just funny. Like I think Patrice did that. Yeah. You know, he didn't have a girl fan base, but he was, there's some.

Yeah, within you look at dice fans and they're all dudes and they're all fucking retires. That was weird though. That was like a crazy point in history. I feel like it's still happening though. I seen them at the peak. And I saw Jim Norton do 20 in front of them. Great shit. And the fan and at one point, somebody's like, fucking bring guys. Guys, because I think that's the same shit he's been doing. He's like working on his new shit about texting, right? What the fuck?

Yeah, that story about what he opened with. He reminisced with the monocle. He used the microphone. Somebody else told me that. Oh, my bad. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. I'm really blue.

It was a good anecdote. But it's called lying. I don't know if that's what it is, but there's something that where people I know it's definitely a herd mentality once you and it's fucking marketing It's marketing and I'm not saying that everybody's a marketer But it's like once you've heard it five times from somebody like I got to check this guy out so far Yeah, but no, but it's not the one time. It's it's though keeping them right man I did a show with mr. Dankook 80 arenas 10,000 to 18,000 people a show with Mr. Dane Cook, 80 arenas, 10,000 to 18,000 people a show, 80 shows,

all over the fucking country in Canada, and I killed every fucking show. I'm not even saying that to blow smoke a man's eye. I did 25 minutes in front of him, annihilated every fucking show. And I'm still that guy. But I mean mean what the fuck Don't you gonna say some from a so I'm a pure comedy fan. I have no input in what's bugs up a fan

Yeah, and then say that the the biggest thing now was really Instagram. It's huge And so just putting Dane in you back then was probably he had my space He had all that nonsense. Yeah, and he exploded from that right now. Now it's all about Instagram, a crystallia, Schumer, all these people to have, you know, six. They're already fans. There are fans of those guys before. Yeah. But there's something to that. I think it's like a personality thing. They're fans of the personality. Yeah. They're fans of the person. I think the bird thing is actually good example. People love the Monday morning podcast. They love the like and the same thing with your fans like they like the the person all around the package and you kind of like you root for them

is more than just their act you say the English humor as he's in sorry they represent things. But it's their family that they represent things to certain people. Yeah, especially. Yeah, that's the thing it's like what you how do you find how do you find what you represent to a certain group of people so that they can fucking show up and support you every time on everything you did? That's not really up to you. A lot of that just happens with like, I agree. I agree.

I sure didn't pick the feminist thing. That was sort of like placed on her by the media. Right. A lot of coverage. And like what he's saying is there's like a like an elevator pitch or like a you know, there's a way to make you know, people that are very popular succinct and away. Where you can say in two sentences, this is what this guy is. And then it makes it a lot easier for them.

Will you please do me a favor? Will you please clean up a little bit? Because you're so articulate. I'm so very articulate. I'm so very articulate. I was wondering this mustache. I'm kidding. It was a joke.

No, you look great. I love it. I actually like it. I actually like it. I really like it. I think it's cool. But you're right, Bobby. Being great is not enough.

Who's saying that? Oh. So soft spoken. It's not my flow. Well, look, dude. I mean, take you, for instance. Okay. You're amazing.

You're artworks amazing. Thank you. You're a cool amazing. You're artworks amazing. You're a cool guy, you're a nice person. It's like, you know, and you're still like struggling. Like it's like, what the fuck does it take? Everything you're talking about is, I've been going through it in my head too. And I think you're right.

I think what's stand up, like Sean Patton, I think is one of the best comics. I think Sean Patton's like, one of the most talented people doing comedy. So fucking fun. But whenever I try to tell somebody about Sean Patton, I'm like, I does this thing where it's one of the best comics. I think Sean Patton's like one of the most talented people doing comedy. So fucking fun. But when ever I try to tell somebody about Sean Patton, I'm like, I does this thing where it's like, you know, it's different. He like kind of doesn't expect you just got to see him.

And that's where it ends up every time. I never have a way to explain exactly why I like Sean Patton when he's on stage, but it's very different than what other people do and not in sort of like a, we see even now I can't explain. Yeah, but I understand that and I but I you're a comic so your taste are gonna be a little more exotic right okay but like even take people want take Sebastian Manascale yeah that's a good example okay here's a guy's been around forever right he did his thing right now that guy and I love Sebastian but he found

like these people that are and they went and he's a good looking guy Yeah, it's fucking kills. He annihilates. He is Italians He has more than a times now he has women right and now now he has guys alpha male guys So now it's just getting bigger and bigger He's selling out fucking show after show after show he's telling it's yours, too It's yeah, dude huge theaters and he's gonna be the next big. He's gonna be the guy. And that's our word of mouth.

Right. But what is it? Is it the Italians and then it became holy shit and is it, I don't know. I think it is. I think it started with Italian women. I think it started with Italians. And I know it's absolutely.

And I think that they got the guys out and they got their friends out and it Multiplied great looking guy great looking guy. He's also a fucking funny guy. He's very funny He's very you know, you he's always wants what they already know back to them differently They really they want what they already know just twisted differently and spack it. So I need to fucking No, it's really what they I got done at Princeton I was headlining Princeton New Jersey not to brag but uh... hey we'll be quick

italians come out afterwards and they're like oh we love your act everything we wish you would have done more italian stuff but we thought you were really funny we should have done more italian stuff they walk off and i'm thinking of myself i'm doing the wrong act yeah i really am it's like you know like i like hot chicks fucking don't like

me because I'm self, you know, I fucking talk about my dead toenail and my wife. No, I think hot chicks are like that. Some hot chicks are very deep in in front of those crowds and they just want to, they want to hear what they know in their own world. Let me do. When I'm on stage and every time I see a cell phone light up There's a smoking hot chicks face lit up toe, okay, you know who really likes me? Fucking not hot chicks kids like guys nerds Fat dudes, you know gamers blah blah blah and then couples couples from Whatever age up till 50 60 7 and even 80s, like old couples come and see me. But it's like, is that what I gotta go do?

Fucking I'm the couple. And those guys are not on Twitter, huh? And these guys are not on Twitter, they're not on Facebook, Chad. But like, I used to buy in Fixed Houses in another life. And there was like a guerrilla marketing thing, and it's saying, you don't get, like when you do do marketing or even when you just put your name out there, people don't respond until until the fifth fucking time that they've heard your name. So maybe

people saw you, you know, back how you would do an arena. And then you know, I think that was funny, but then they see the fucking podcast and they go, that guy's funny. A lot of you at the club and they're like, okay, now I'm going to a show. Here's, I agree with you, but a lot of guys don't get the fifth shot. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Or two, and then they want off of you garbage. And you got to say no, or you take that garbage, and you know that, and then it takes you, it's like, you know, it's like a comic that starts out in New York as an open micer. It's going to be a little harder for you, you know what I mean? Because you show up sucking. You have to become great in front

of them. As opposed to the guy who became great over here and then shows up awesome. Hey, it's a new guy. Holy shit. He's awesome. Yeah, it goes back to first impressions. Yeah, it's like, you know, you don't get, you know, I mean, I'm actually working the improvs again, you know, and I didn't work them for a long time because I had to say no because the money was so fucking terrible for so much work. I was like, I can't do it. So thank God I have a good agent that could get me other places around there for more money. Finally going back for good money and I'm having a blast and the shows are filling up

and we're having a good time. But if I was there this weekend and it was fucking 30 people a show, I'd be fucked. I'd be fucked. I'd be fucked. I need to sell good tickets on Fridays and Saturday nights. You need to see, and I need to annihilate. I need to be funnier than any other fucking guy

that's been here ever. I need the fucking waiters and waitresses to go, holy shit, you're the fuck. I don't think you need to do that. I think you just need to sell seats. You need to sell out, I don't think you need to do that. You just need to sell seats. You need to sell out. That's all. Yeah, but do it.

But I'm not, that's my point is I'm not selling the place out all weekend. Right. So I have to come in, sell some tickets, and fucking annihilate with the like, you have to, well, yeah, sometimes they do, but look man, if I'm not selling anything, I tip the people that help me out.

Yeah, of course. If I sell or if I make a bonus, I always tip every waiter and waitress. But if I don't, it's like, look, I got a fucking, I got a three-year-old. Right, but even the dealings with the people, like, if you're tipping the person that's taking care of you, that's fine. But some people will make that mistake and then they go back five years later and that person's the manager and you're like, oh, fuck, maybe I shouldn't have been a cut, you know? I don't think the tipping is more important.

I think I really don't believe that. I think, I have to disagree with you on that. I think killing and being that funny and being the staff and their favorite comic is more important than that. Because I've had many people go, no, I don't need anything, you're fucking great. You know what I mean?

If you, because they see comedy every week and they see shit comedy right oh yeah they see fucking the worst seriously at these clubs and the fucking worst of the worst shows that why is that and they choose on TV and they treat them like shit yeah because they're on TV because they do you get a TV or whether on YouTube they can sell it they can sell it yeah that's up my friends that don't do comedy only know comics from that have acted in shows like I imagine you got a bump after you did Louis, right? Yeah,

but Louis, yeah, Louis was great, but I didn't get a bump. It took a minute. I had to sell tickets, man. And little bomb. You got to be on a TV show every way. But here's the thing. Here's the thing with TV. The, you know, people, people who actually complimented me on my Louis the last season, now, which was over two years ago, because they don't watch it live. They watch it a year later. And their friends tell them you need to check out the show. I finally have people going to the show to say they watch Sex Dogs in Rocker Roll, a year and a half later, because they didn't want you live.

They're watching it on fucking when they can. You know what I mean? So it takes you back in the day, it took you a second to become famous because it was five fucking TV shows. It was five or eight channels, whatever. So if you're on one of them, boom, you're famous. Now there's 600 channels and AMC has a great show.

I mean, the fucking travel channel has a discovery channel. The three, they all have great content. You know what's amazing? It's like the woman from Ice Road Truckers needs her own fucking security detail. Because she gets mobbed wherever she goes. I swear. And when I say TV, it's not doing Conan. It's acting in a love show.

Oh, that's that. That's fucking that. No, no, no, no, no, Conan. It's acting in a blood show. That's fucking bad. Yeah, that's not what you're doing on TV every week, like you said. Yeah, that's done. That's the Conan. I mean, you're doing a fucking late night spot. Late night spot, you used to put you on the mat. Yeah.

I mean, you could go around the country and sell the fuck out. Now, I'll put you on this side of the table. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, I don't know how to figure it out. But I think you at a point you can't you can't figure it out No, you can't you just you have to just but you can learn though There's stuff that you can learn from it's like yeah, how are these guys doing it and taking a little thing not changing who you are

Obviously you can definitely learn from it, but I feel like that's a completely different skill than being a stand-up comedian I mean, it's not even nice true. It's not even funny. That's a marketing You have to be your own business. Yeah, but it's so funny that the fucking industry, people on the other side love people who know that skill. Who haven't. You don't have to do work. No, because they know how to fucking collect that. A shitload of people doing some horseshit on vine or whatever. They love it. They love he's got

or she's got. Oh my God, and have you seen the, it's like, yeah dude, I know, but I'm fucking, I've been working for 20 something years trying to fucking be a standup comedian. I don't know what the fuck that is. But they don't want 10% of fucking 30 weekends at 1500 or two grand, that's fucking nothing. Right, right.

They know, tell you that. That's nothing, don't tell you that right to your face. Oh, they fucking will. Oh, they fucking will Have to I mean it is a business ultimately, you know, I mean like no fuck yeah, but there but there is some type of creative There is a fucking hey man Why don't we try this? So why don't we do that? I let's I can see you doing that and this and that and you could fucking achieve anything. Right.

You can, if you have, if, you know, you understand, the people that make it, there's agents and stuff that go and, hey, let's go. I can do something with you. So maybe, maybe you don't have it or I don't have what they're looking for at the time. Maybe I'm not that or a minority, but like, you know, maybe you have to just go make it happen. You know what I mean? Where you can't be denied. Where it fuck you, you can't, you may not like me,

but I'm gonna go get it anyways. And then when I get it, you guys can all fuck it. Let's go all the way. Oh, all the way, all the way. And let the smoke blow up my ass begin. After, when that moment happened. Well, but, but, but, it's not, like, it is a business. So it's like, yeah, you can, I don't care.

You wanna work together now, I get it. I don't care you want to work together now I get it I don't I wouldn't hold a grudge against anybody because they're trying to make fucking money Right and I'm trying to you know, I don't know the real problem is not getting mad at agents or managers Whoever wants to 10 or 15% is why it's why isn't there enough money? He in stand up anymore that that cut isn't worse at home because there's too many look at this room Look at this fucking room look how many at this room look at this fucking room Look how many standups are in this fucking room sure you can you can blame it on like market over saturation

But like the clubs themselves the pay hasn't gone up with inflation. It's fun. Take a price to have the Pay is gonna well, I mean maybe I'm not for no sell or it's gonna up I mean out on a road it's gonna Is it what it used to pay to feature? When I started. Where? Yeah, when I started, it used to be able to be a road feature.

That was like a thing you could be. Yeah, definitely. And now that's out. You should be thanking God it's out. Because seriously, no, seriously, because there was guys who got stuck as a road feature. Headline on Wednesday and Sunday, and you fucking up. The shirts in the back lined up for your fucking nights. You do your t-shirt fucking joke at the end

and you're fucked. Now you get stuck as a feature plus you work at Pan Day Express when you're back at home. You work at Panda Express. I don't know. But you have to say, you have to be discounted. Yeah, I just want to make a good job. It's a good time for me to plug my Thursday and Sunday. good time for me to plug my Thursday and Sunday. But that's out. And there's no there's no upward mobility from being a road feature to a headline or now you need you need something else. But there is. It's just getting funny and getting

followers and doing those other fucking things. Yeah, look funny. Look at funny. Funny beats everything. Okay. So if you're listen, dude, it may it took like, like Louis said at one time, becoming successful in this business is like going to school. Okay, it's first to sixth grade, seventh and eighth, four years of high school, and then four years of college.

And by that time, you should be, if you stuck with it, and really fucking tried, you should be a work in comedian. You might not be rich, but you should be able to make a living doing comedy around the fucking world. How long have you been doing comedy? 10 years. Yeah, so you got another 10 years to go.

You got 10, you think about that. 10 fucking years before you. Well, you got Medicaid now, so. Yeah, but before you could go, you don't know what's gonna happen in the next five years. Yeah. I've actually finally, in my brain, finally became funny in the last three.

I've been fucking killing for years. I finally became funny the last three years, where I don't give a fuck you, you can say whatever you want about me, go fuck yourself in my brain. When I'm taking this, I don't care who goes on in front of me, I don't care what happens, I'm gonna do what I do and I know that I'm funny because of what I'm talking about because it's what I wanna do and it's,

I'm just a better comic now than I was, you know? So, but that's in the last three years. There are worse lots in life than just being a work and stand up comedian and making a living and not being rich and famous, you know what I mean? I'm actually, we asked the question, how much money do you quit, but how much money would be the least amount you would take to continue?

Because I'm gonna do this and wear the other forever. Look, dude, there's no way out. There's no way out for any of us, okay? There isn't. I mean, I asked that question ridiculously because there's no way out. We're gonna either go up or down or stay the same. Everybody in this

room, even you, if you're an artist, you're either going to go up, most likely you're going to go up and down. You know what I mean? Most likely you're going to go up and have success and then come back off of that and up and back and blah, blah, blah. But you know, some guys don't, some guys, the problem is I don't make a lot of money, but I make more than anything else I'm qualified to do. I take the fuck out of this. I tell you what, my friend Joe, you know, he does cruise ships in his loving life right now. Just a survived throw cancer, has a beautiful girl, lives on a fucking lake in the Hampshire.

That helps. Yeah, but he's surviving throw cancer makes you live life a little more. Yeah, but he loved it before that. He would do cruise ships and kill and ride jokes and you know Lenny Marcus another guy who's fucking totally content with where he is in the business and how much money he makes Ari Shafir does is just can you know, so there is something it's all perspective. It's all of us for being content But I think you're right there. You can't you can't really try to be famous. I Don't think but I think you can you could try different angles famous. I don't think. But I think you can,

you could try different angles in order to get yourself out there. I think people do, and let me take that back. I think certain people do, and they become famous, because that's a goal, and there's a way to do that. Yeah. And I don't know if I have that in me to fucking be that type of shit, shit person. God knows I've thrown a lot of shit against the wall,

nothing stuck, other than stand up, that's like the only the standards got me whatever I've gotten whatever small crumbs has all been stand up and I tried to do videos and all this other shit and it's just gone no that's so funny that we all tried to do shit that other comics do like you know dude I gotta do I gotta do you to be I gotta do vines I remember vines was hot I was like I gotta I did a vine with my dog as everything because we were having the hot. I was like, I did a Vine with my dog as everything. Because we were having the baby and I was, I got all the, you know, the crib and the thing and I just put my, well, how does this fucking work? And then it would just put the dog in it and the dog swinging in a fucking seat.

And I was like, this is it. Until I got it. Yeah, but you're trying. It's trial and error, man. You're a scientist. Yeah. Look, man. You're a scientist. I'm a fucking comic. And that's the trial and error. It should be really working on, is the fucking jokes. You know, and the other, the other shit, you know.

I like Facebook, but Twitter. So I really have to become a, I had fucking, dude, you have to learn how to tweet. And what time to tweet, and what days to tweet, and you have to fuck you, fuck you. You go fucking get that guy, go fucking get that guy. I don't fucking, I just wanna become a, you know, a stand up that fucking you can't fuck with, you know?

And if that's not good enough, then fuck it, I'll just, you know, whatever, you know, I don't know, I don't fucking know. I mean, I'm a man in a mountain of time. Yeah, I'll just fucking, I'll just start taking care of sheep. Ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck a fuck. And then YouTube video that, and that's a thing of breaking.

Up back! The sheep guy! The sheep guys have down this weekend. It's fucking crazy that could be the thing. Ha ha ha ha ha. Like those fucks at the Yankee game, if they go out there and ask kicked and they just switch it and beat the fuck out of some fat guy in the Yankees cab

Then they're famous then the travel in the country three-man show. Yeah, everybody this one Yeah, we'll be good. We have with fucking other caps on and then they end the tour at Yankee Stadium What do you got in the chat room the come boys come down? What do we got I got a podcast? Revolutioning come casting What do we got? I got a podcast revolution income casting. What do you got? Taxi driver says celebrity comics usually suck taking vacations to St. Bartz on your yacht probably doesn't help your act. You're right by the other. I don't I don't think that's true. I think he's still be funny and take a vacation with the fuck. Aaron Matson is the guy that brought you the

cigars. He says enjoy them. Aaron. I will enjoy them man I just I'm tomorrow I'm finishing off my Smoking room I'm putting all the walls up. That's crazy him fucking. I'm literally putting a floor down and putting walls up I put it just doing all this manly shit It's crazy and I love it. How do you learn to do it? YouTube. Did you really? Fucking YouTube anything. YouTube fucking anything. How to put a wall. What type of insulation to use? How to cut the insulation? Flooring. How to put the

flooring? What type of flooring to get? How can I do it? Everything's on YouTube. Every fucking thing's on YouTube. I learned how to play the drums on YouTube. Drumming without drums. A dude on a bed with a magazine and a book. I just learned how to play the drums at 43. Wow. I learned how to play the fucking drums on YouTube. Drumming without drums, a dude on a bed with a magazine and a book. I just learned how to play the drums. At 43. Wow. I learned how to play the fucking drums on YouTube. So I'll fucking, it's all YouTube.

I wanted to have acoustic, fog, and fire, but use this and use these nails and get this gun and fuck. Just doing it. Wow. I do, it's crazy. I put a insulation in my room in this room, and I put up walls, and I put a floor in tomorrow. Crazy.

Yeah, all of the fucking YouTube. I love shit like that. I love doing shit. You never ever fucking do. Learn how to do it. I'm building a treehouse from my kid in two weeks. Mm-hmm. Yeah, great dude.

I put a rock garden in. I've fucking built a vegetable garden, a seed of vegetable garden. Oh, shit. Like I put it together, it's on YouTube. Like I bought the kit. It's a kit, but you still have to build it. So everything's on YouTube.

He also has a question for Sean. He says, are you doing any rebirth stuff? I don't know what that means. No, that's a DC thing. I'm part of the jarred way that new imprint, young animal, but not the rebirth stuff. Let me tell you what the fuck I'm talking about. You just want to hear your voice.

This is, I'm excited. I'm going to read this this weekend, man. I love it. I'm fucking so ecstatic that you gave me this, dude. What else you got going on, dude? Here, I just, we did a Kickstarter, didn't art book about. Oh, man. Oh, tell people about this. Hold it up. Yeah, if it's, I, it sketches, thumbnails, commissions, concept art, some ladies, and Tony Central Sequential.com, where we just printed seven fifty of

them all right so i said that again where is that essential all of that how fucking great is that yeah that's what i love to i hope so i mean i like seeing that

that's a dog coffee table book this is great man i love this this is great how much is it twenty five twat no kidding great man I love this this is great how much is it 25 what no I'm kidding yeah yeah dude so that's great man tell me again again essential sequential comm essential sequential comm my art dealer 25 bucks and you can have this beautiful book. It's hard to ever. That's my it's great man It's really beautiful book. I love it. I love it man. That's great And what else you get going on? I got I was just talking about I'm doing

There's a new imprint at DC comics that this singer jarred away from my chemical romance Yeah, is doing and we I'm part of a book it's a new hero in Gotham City and she's a young vigilante it's gonna be pretty dark called mother panic and I'm doing an issue with Scarlet Witch. It's called you're doing a new thing called mother panic yeah and you're doing Scarlet Witch. You're doing an issue that yeah wow that's fucking great man. Yeah yeah the jobs are great good man good well you do let me tell you something from where you were when I met you and to where you are now I mean you're you're you fuck sometimes we can't see our own success Yeah, I know I can and you fucking killing it dude. Thank you. I'm glad you were back on the show. Thanks

We're having yeah, when are you coming back? I'll be back in October. All right cool come back on I'd love to my birthday. All right my birthday month. What do you got, dude? The album everything is this album Everything is depending on this I'd love to. It's my birthday. All right. My birthday month. What do you got, dude? The album. Everything is this album. Everything is depending on this. All right. Upper Middle Trash, Villeauan iTunes, the name is on.

It's a good name. I'm such a fucking, every fucking album is a good name to me, though. Did I have to say that it's such a great name, Upper Middle Trash, fucking love them all. Album names are so fucking cool you just sit there one day yes I just think of names I have a list of them yeah what else you got I don't want to say it I'm at the funny bone why would you accuse on Thursday why would you not understand that because you're just talking

about how shit that is that's not a fucking shit club, that's a great club. No, I know, I know, and then I'll be driving back up there on the Sunday. Really? I gotta earn it. That's it? That's how you got it? We'll do it. Go buy his album, if you...

Well, how much is it? $1.99. $1.99. $1.99. Is it $9.99? Where can you get it? I tuned to the Amazon cool I tunes in Amazon all right dude I'm gonna buy it oh I'm gonna buy it tonight I'm gonna listen to it

random play so if I listen to what I do if I don't that's what's well but I'm gonna buy it to support you and that 12 grand yeah that's all right dude thanks coming back on man come back on again make sure But I'm gonna buy it to support you and that 12 grand Yeah, that's all right. Thanks coming back on man come back on again. Make sure you go buy his album. What do you got Vecchio? At comic Mike V on Twitter. I'm at the broke region Long Island this weekend. I love that club It's great. I love it great. Clevver great guys out there. They're all great guys. I was great as James. Oh, he's awesome Central casting. Oh my god. It's like his wife is awesome. Yeah. His kids are great. At Comic Mike V on Twitter, I do have a YouTube channel which we shit everybody. But I'm doing short videos with kids just to interview with kids.

So yeah, I mean they're funny. They're under there are about three minutes long a piece So you open up for kids now? YouTube at comic Mike V and Also follow me on Twitter and Instagram at comic Mike V. I go check them out this weekend man a great club over in Long Island great people and they always put great comics out there too They take care of the comics too. They take care of the comics and they you know The club back in the day was run by a different person. Now they really give a shit about the comics and they give a lot of young new guys a lot of great opportunities to do weekends and make a little money and you know I really love those guys out here.

Here are some special names that I had for my last special. You ready? All right this is going to be tough. Should I do this? Well we will go out on this special. You ready? All right, this is going to be tough. Should I do this? Well, we'll go out on this. How's that? All right, what do you got, stop me, baby. Just follow me on Instagram at stop. You're not working with me this weekend.

I'm sorry. You're a fucking asshole. No, I'm sorry. It was going to be all of us. We'll get it right next time, I apologize. Yeah, yeah. What have I done? I, uh, you know, you know, I do love you, Bob.

No, you love these new guys. That's not you. You love the new guys, you know? I don't love them know, you know, I do love you, Bob. You know, you love these new guys. That's not you. You love the new guys. You know, love them. You can have love in your heart from the person. No, I want to. No, I want to. Tell us what I want.

What do you get? I said heart not to. Yeah, just follow me. Imagine me and you want to test. I would go down eventually. Yeah, just follow me on Instagram at Stavvybaby STAVVYbaby. I love it. Try to be the world's number one plus I's erotic male model. Yeah This is great. I'm fully new to almost everyone so please check it out

Me and these these guys started a podcast called Comtown. I mean, maybe it'll get yeah, it's got it Yeah, yeah, NBC's coming I tunes I tunes can't pick that up. I just actually let slide by some now. I don't even know how they're not now This podcast you guys get a nice fucking hot food off of iTunes. You're gonna have to call it a C-on And I I'm working for this website ground floor comedy check that out. We do some sketches and stuff on there. So Peep that All right. Well, yeah, that's pretty much it. That's great. Oh, there's people one shot on them. Yeah, yeah What do you got give me that Chris Copo Twitter Instagram?

Be with you this weekend for a day Saturday listening now you I think you're middling You got a fucking bring it. Are you gonna kill? Yeah? You gonna kill yeah Listen buddy. I love you the death you'll see I love you but please make it fucking do on a show the night before you better be there. Yeah I'll be in Boston the night before and that always works out because he's always on time. No, I'm actually We weren't gonna sleep in Hartford, but now I gotta drive back as Tim's staying up there So drive him back and then I'm leaving early in the morning

You drive back that night. Yeah, he's driving to DC the day off. Jesus. It's crazy, right? That's tough, yeah. That's a tough drive and he's going to get there and then he's going to kill for two shows in front of that crowd. That's a tough room too. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus, all this fucking pressure. Oh, yeah, God. I think I'm going to do fucking fine. How many fine, yeah?

People would think a lot of people drive to the fucking shows and I don't. Yeah. Yeah. It's not. What do you got? Twitter, Instagram, R2D, and you can check out my bar show in Park Slope every week. drive the fucking shows and I know. Yeah. That's not what he got. Twitter Instagram R2D and you can check out my bar show in Parks Loathe every week Thursday and on 30. All right, what do you guys got?

Adam and Nick. Beyond red eye on June 10th. Going back on red eye. That's great. That's great. Awesome, man. Thanks for coming on, brother. Yeah, thanks for having us.

You got it, man. What's up for Adam? What do you? What do you got Adam? Not not much Interesting divorce case Some briefs you have to file you can catch me doing comedy in Brooklyn or someone that looks like me doing comedy Funny enough. They're all named Adam Fre. It's like I don't even have I Know I'm opening for Bobby this weekend actually

What are you doing? You may get to know I'm joking Chris you gotta do fine. You better fucking do fine. Okay. All right. You're gonna kill it right? You're gonna kill it, right? You're gonna kill. I'm very confident myself, how you doing? Good, yeah. We can't be stupid. We can't be stupid. What about me? Have you wring me on a robe, Bobby?

I can too, eh? Oh, Bobby! Ugh. I, uh-huh. They were good. No, they weren't. You're delusional fucking twice. I'm at the end, Bobby.

I caught them at the end Bobby. I caught him at the end with the boo. What do you got sexy tits? I love them. At Lauren Cabera on Twitter, Instagram, and the Sunday. What do we got? We got pod fest. Pod fest at the cake shop at 930.

Yeah man, if you're around, e-commerce come down. We got the great Colin Quinn. We got Lewis J Gomez. AK, the rattlesnake. AK, the Jones, Jetta, comedy. AK, what the fuck? AK, the show. AK, the show.

We got Dan Soda, Monster Voice. AK, corporate Dan. We got Joe, AK, the truth list. Jump in Joe. Jump in Joe. We got the crew here Deepo scope all Lauren myself It's pod fest in 2016 you can still get tickets on our Twitter or Facebook get tickets

It's gonna be a great show the next morning. I'm leaving for LA to do Marin on Wednesday Maybe you know if anybody else I don't know if anybody else is out there, maybe I'll do some other fucking podcast while I'm out there. If not, maybe I'll hook up a meeting or two, maybe I'll make some phone calls. I'm gonna be sitting out there, fucking in the whole tower room for two days. And some open mic is going, I have a room in fucking Burbank if you wanna come down. God, my legs are so sore.

What else do I got? Your dates coming on this weekend, you'll be in the Owens and Drafthouse, Owens and Virginia. With you. Yes, the 2021st. The friday is Saturday only. I'm out Sunday.

Boom. We got podcasts. Asbury Park, New Jersey, you can be the house of independence June 18th And then you're gonna go to McGuire's the June 24th and 24th and 25th. Yeah, okay And then the first you got Marriots I can't really I'm in a rubra one of your marios, baby Get my shit up. That's a nice one. I know it is a nice one

You're there for a while. You're there for the... First to the... I'm there. I'm taking a little VK. Check this out. Yeah, man. And of course we have this. We have the premium. It's up right now.

RyeCast.com. Okay, slash YKWD. Go to it. It's $199 a month. We need 5,000 of you to subscribe. That's a very small percentage of the people that down the show for free. Listen, if you can't do it, I get it. Don't fucking do it.

The shows are always gonna be free. We're gonna put some original content behind the paywall. We're gonna put the old archive shows behind the paywall. We gotta start, you know, making a little cash here. And you'll be supporting the show for $199 a month. It comes right out every month. Can't someone ever the fuck you want. But can I make a suggestion that it's more content behind the, I think you should get some pictures of sexy tits, like naked pictures of sexy tits. And I'm not talking about Lauren either. I'm talking about, I don hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, do you guys, what do you got buddy? Thanks for coming in. I gotta go to work.

You have a good time? Yeah, no, thank you for the free content over the years. I really appreciate it. You got it, but it's still free. No, I know. I'm just gonna subscribe. I'm just gonna talk about it. I appreciate it. I feel like it was leaving. It's like thanks for the free content. I gotta go. As someone with a boring desktop, I appreciate the artist mentality and the drive. It's really cool to you guys. Yeah, the best, man. Thanks so much for coming in.

Thanks for that cigar. What's up, dude? A.O. I want to say thank you again for having me here. I just want to say that podcasts like this are the reason that I know a lot of these comics that I've got. The reason that I go out of my way to see them and bring like five or seven of my friends and say, it's great.

You got to see this guy. You got to see this guy. And the best part is when they bomb and then then I still gotta keep sticking up with him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't seen Chris yet. Okay. No, he's gonna kill it this weekend, right? I wish I was gonna tell him to feel it.

But hey, dude, that means a lot. And you know what, I have this show. I get a lot of shit having so many guys on all the time. And talk over each other. But the reason why I have all these people on, I try to do a new comic every week. Somebody I don't know. The reason why I let these fuck sit down tonight

is because I don't know them but they're comics. So bring them on. And the guys I love that I think people should know. It is what this show is all about. It's promoting guys you should know, or you don't know, and me meeting new comics that I would have never got to. I would have never fucking talked to these guys. Now I know them, so we see each other, and that's how you kind of help each other out in the business

by knowing each other and not standing across from every other guy. This guy a fucking dickhead or not. And you guys, so appreciate that, man. Thank you for having me. Any guy on this fucking show. Here's the names. Chair, chair, singular. I'm gonna make chairs. You get two. You get fucking two. Ready?

Here's the names of my special. You ready? All right here. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan.

No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B plan. No B ready. Here's the names of my special. You ready? Are here no B plan oh? Oh, okay, what a hunk of shit. I've always wanted to be

Evolution of a piece of garbage Evolution of a piece of garbage Finally almost human oh my god, here's you're not gonna use this one almost human Dead toenails and candy bars About you paint for the dild. I need you confidence up. Learning to cry. The evolution of a man trying to be good, trying to be better. You're going to love this one you and your podcasts. Come on my foot. Now I'm a father. Feel the pain. cry like a man. It's not my fault almost dead. Oh God. I don't care. I used to like pussy I wish I was a Jew

That would have been the winner That's actually true. I think you said I was kind of molested 59% gay Here's one, here's a good one. This one, I was kind of molested. How's this one? How's this one? 59% gay. How about this one? You like this one? Am I right ladies? Ah!

I like that one. How about this? Here's this one. Hair lips and kisses. No? How about this one? I lost my wallet. This one is expensive. And finally, but now I one? I lost my wallet. I lost my money.

I lost my money. And finally, but not least, I'm funny too. You guys are the best fans in the world. Thank you so much. Make sure you go to ridecast.com slash YKWD and subscribe to the premium. Hit the premium button and join and support the show. We love you to death. Support all these guys in the best fans in the world.

You know what, dude? We'll see you next week. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all of the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free.