Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - X-Mas Memories and Baby Sponges

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

This week on YKWD: We have Paul Virzi, Zac Amico, Stavros Halkias, and Michelle Wolf! We get nostalgic and talk about our holiday memories, Paul almost loses it when his new sneakers get smudged at The Stand, and Michelle (Late Night w/ Seth Myers) recounts slicing open the first pecka she ever saw. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yor listening to Robert Kelly's? Y no lo sé, dude. ¡On the Riotcast Network! Riotcast.com.

¡Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth! This is going to be a cost of fire. This podcast has no rules. Look at the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret? Can I get a microphone? Oh, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic hand.

I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. That's not what a host does you, motherfucker. You want a day thing? My podcast is popular enough

where I might affect somebody's life. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so listen, here we go. It's a new year. It's a new year people. 2016 has arrived and we are there it is Monday January something no it's in and Monday December 29th but dude it's an illusion it's fucking open no wait it's not happy new year everybody happy new year man happy new year Happy New Year, man. Happy New Year. It's New Year's Eve right at the Cabri-Sale.

We're right, just turned 12. It's 2016. You can't wait. A New Year fresh opportunity. Half the room in here. They're gonna lose weight for the new year. It's a pleasure. Oh, no, no, no.

My- Boom, hey. Happy New Year, everybody everybody we recorded this way earlier Apparently people can't lie Yeah, life I did lie what you would you lie when you said you a fucking December you know fucking do everything I ask you to do I did everything today the lights are off You did everything great you did great today. We don't need we don't need her anymore We don't need Lauren you're fucking on point nice. Oh, did you hear I'm point?

What happened scobo step is game up? He's got this game up was Lauren the one you the hot chick the one you would talk and you said she's looking good looking girl Not hot, but you said good looking like it. I said I want a finger banger. It was so weird. I was so I was like, I want a finger banger, it was so weird. But it was so funny. It's a good question. I was gonna say earlier that this lineup looks like, from here to here, looks like Verzy took some poison

fucking madman pill and you became this. What? Oh, Jesus Christ. Poison man, well, scope, no Stradamus. You meant the potion bug's bunny tuck. Yeah, you look, well, I wish it helped me out before I did it. You should be potion Bugs Bunny Tuck? Yeah, you look, well, I wish you helped me out before I did it. You should be.

I actually saved that one for air. And then fucking the mush, put the kai boss on it. I don't believe my year fucking shitty jokes on me. Why can't I? It's my show. I can blame it. We got a fucking great lineup tonight. We're it's a late night show with live.

And the show's coming out. We were doing this so we can all have a week off and get Santa Gifts and you do Santa we're getting Santa gifts I used to do Christmas when I was a kid, but that kind of cool. Are you gonna be a condescending comfortable show again? Oh no, you fucking hipster shit on my stash fat fucking rollie polycobs. Oh, I'm not that. He is growing a beard out of it. I swear to God I'm fucking to pack you what you are growing a beard Paul fuck you. He's not on your side. He's on my side He's a fucking tiny back to me up. He's have Greek you didn't know that about him That's right. We got fuck you when you have Mediterranean fucking Mediterranean American. That's really I'm not

I actually had genetic tests on I'm 3% Jew No, are you? Yeah, I'm a real. He did that to get in the business. Yeah, sure. I'm Stavros County's theme. That's a fucking bio now. Yeah. That'll help. According to Ancestry.com.

He's Christ. Now when you start making money, are you gonna buy better clothes? Yeah, I will. I'm not. I don't have any. So keep rocking with this target. I like that shirt. I have some more shit for you, dude.

I'd love it. Yeah, I'd love that shirt, by the way. But this one, do you give him hand me down? Is this like a little brother thing? Hand me down? Yeah, I fucking, I only winter coat. It's Bobby's old coat. Well, it's so funny that the me and Stavros are friends now.

And like, I used to be friends with Dorosa and like Soda and Lewis when I was thinner. And like Lewis had my jacket on, that I used to have my awesome jackets, I got 300 on code, the he-mo of my house, I gave him all kinds of clothes and he still wears them. Still have, I remember like, I see Lewis in some fucking Instagram photos

and he has my cool thin guy shirts, like an Asian lady giving a fucking dude a massage that has like fucking, you know, like Tokyo writing on a Japanese writing, Like an Asian lady giving a fucking do to massage that has like fucking, you know, like a Tokyo writing on a Japanese writing it looks shit. I'm like Playing with his kid in the picture. Oh, he looks so good now. Fuck cock sucka did it really aggravates me He gave me a little way back though. I hope it's coming. He's trying again. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy Who should pass me and then come back. That makes me happy.

You're on a diet though, right? You said you were going strong, and the last time I saw you said you were going strong. Thank you for the tone. No, I'm sorry. So you still on it? The day after Thanksgiving, I haven't had a sugar or a carb. Intention, intention.

Hang on, intentional. Intention, what do you mean? What is that? It's like caveat. The caveat, which I know what that means. I'm glad you do I like that you took that Place looks good man Has a dd

First you have fucking The middle of a statement But I was in the middle of a statement and I was like looks pretty good I like the shelves What do you guys? No, but good Chris and you shit you got fucking these headphones. It's nice. I like it Headphones microphones had a long fucking day guys Shoot shit in a long island city Long Island city. You shoot in cocksucker.

I'm gonna let everybody push your mics away. No, I had a rough time on a way out here. I almost called up and said, I know it's 9.30. If I don't make it, don't give me shit. What happened? I go to the stand. First of all, I was shooting stuff in Long Island city. I've been out since 8 o'clock in the room,

but that's fine. You're busy, you're busy, that's fine. I bought fucking New Adidas, right? I bought New Adidas. You bought me Adidas? No, no, no, no. I bought I bought New Adidas. I bought New Adidas. I bought New Adidas. And they're classics. They're so the Rob Laborers. They're fucking crazy. I mean, they're classics, right? Okay. So, you know, and they're white with blue. Yeah, they're great. Classic Adidas. I fucking took me so many stores to find them. I found them in Jersey at the Garden State

Plaza. Yeah. I found them. I'm in a stand tonight, right? And I'm watching my feet. I'm watching where I walk. I do my fucking set, right? And everything. I'm almost out of the woods. And I had a camera because I had to take a short, quick set, and I was getting my shit, and I was thanking people, and I walked through the kitchen. And this fucking, I don't know what he was. He was, he was, why does he have to be something? He wasn't, he was like, blah, it might have been like, I don't know what the fuck he was why does he have to be something you know, he wasn't he was like blab might have been like I don't know what the fuck he was, but he wasn't you know, he wasn't it doesn't matter I get fucking racist when something No, when I drive I get racist, you know

Yeah, but you ever drive and I do drive Racist guy I'm not racism. I'm not a malicious. You're driving racist. I got it. Yeah, you cut me off I'm like, I you're fucking Asian cocks. So you know what I mean just all right listen I'm not I'm gonna stop you right here because I need to save you all right Yeah, I tried You're unraveling and you know you're not right you listen Lewis Lewis settle down All right, I'm saying that so we can blame it on Lewis if we have you've you've seen somebody in the car that did something

I almost got you to an accident. You fucking blurred it out. I never know First of all don't drag me into your fucking tunnel and fucking you're fucking sorry tour that you're gonna have to do My fucking I know look at when I get mad, I get mad, but I use fuck you, cock sucker asshole dickhead cunt. I never fucking throw it in a race thing. When certain things happen, I don't even say a malicious racist thing, I just state what they are. And really, I don't care.

It makes sense, it can stay, but how do you know, how do you know what they are? I mean, well, I mean, if I could see an Asian, I mean, what the fuck? Get away. I mean, how do I know what they are? I mean, well, I mean if I could see an Asian I don't know I don't know what I don't know a fucking let me let me ask you question. I don't know jet black skin I don't know do you assume all right now you don't see them they cut you off because they cut you off You didn't see him coming and do you do you assume what it is in your head? I bet it's a no and then pull up and go I fucking knew it. No, no, no The only thing I assume is that they're really old. That's the first thing I'm going,

that somebody that shouldn't be behind a wheel, you know, they're 80 years old, you know what I mean? But then if the, you know, if my kids, if my kids in the car, if my kids in the car get upset, that was worse. If you almost fucking hurt, so then if I look and I see, I have nothing against Asians. I have nothing against, I have nothing.

You're talking about your shoes. No, no, no, I'm gonna tell you, but anyway, I have nothing against Asians. You're talking about your shoes. I'm gonna tell you, but anyway, I have nothing against you. If you almost hit my fucking kid, all I'm gonna do is, you know what I mean? The same way if you saw me, I get gitty cock sucker and then they drive away. I'm fine with that. What if it's like a little thin gay guy dancing to Durand Durand in his car and he just didn't see you. What are you gonna say?

I'm like, you faggot? No you don't. No you don't. I wouldn't do that. No I wouldn't. Bobby, I wouldn't. I'm totally joking. I got to say that.

I know. Let's say it again. He's joking. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I wouldn't. Alright, so you're in the basement and yes, first of all, the anxiety that you're putting on me right now with you protecting your shoes like it's a brand new car

What Okay, this is an absolute class, okay, I don't understand. Okay, okay, I'll get an absolute listen I'm not them to listen to talk to the microphone. This might be top five all time Can I hold it? Yeah, just please your hands. Oh, no, because I'm not a fucking sweet. My fucking I'm not digging in the All right, all right, so look at a show. That is the Adidas Rod lever. Okay, that is an absolute classic. Okay, that is up there with Jordan threes that is up there with the air max. Those are that's a great sneaker. Okay, but as you can see the sides are Vulnerable. This is an auction right here. This is a auction. This is a vulnerable to dirty show, right? Is that show is vulnerable to getting dirty? On the sides.

On the bottom. You're talking. It's talking pretty much. But up here is blue, so it's harder to get dirty. Not this sole, but on top of the sole and the laces. Right here, right here and the laces. Right here. This is the vulnerable part.

Yes. So you don't want to fucking stub it. This is two days old. I've been searching. I've been searching, no, Bobby. This isn't like, it's like when we want a cigar, right? Yeah. And I say, hey, try to find that out of old or something. You can't find it. This is two days old. I've been searching. I've been searching. No, Bobby. This isn't like it's like when we want to cigar, right? Yeah. And I say, Hey, try to find that out of over something you can't find. I found them. I found them. I found them at the garden. Stay plush. How much? The stick. Listen to this shit. The sticker set a hundred,

right? And I went up to her. I got now. I went to the website. It's 65. She goes, if you could prove it, if you could prove that those rod labor is a 65 or not, a hundred, I'll give it to you so you know what I did She fucked with me because you couldn't get service in the mall right said to her. I go no no no So I went outside and I showed it to her and she goes on well. You're right. She went Actually long story short when they went in they had it at 65 anyway somebody fucked up in the city What the fuck yeah, so I had to first of all don't set me up for an awesome story Well, you went outside thing, came back in. That was great. I don't need to know the truth. It's a part of the story.

But it's the shit. I don't need to know that. All right, anyway, I get the things two days ago. And I'm excited. I got them. I wanted them in blue. Oh, God. Yeah, that's great.

I put them on the fucking thing, and I'm just happy. It's matching my office. But when you put them on, did they feel good? They felt great. When you put them on, how did it feel? Like, did you smile? When I looked down and I saw the matching to my pants and everything, I got really happy.

Really? I'm not gonna lie to you. I've been waiting for this. So if it was snowing out, you're not wearing those. No. If it's raining out, you're not wearing those. No, it have to be a mist. A mist.

And here's the thing, the only reason I say mist is because I want to wear brand new sneakers. So I would be a little lenient with the weather, but it couldn't be a downpour. Mist you good. I'll get in, I'll be careful getting in the car. Okay. Okay. I get to the fucking stand.

And everything is going good. I'm sorry, this is long wind. I've had a long fucking day. This is a fucking great story. I've had a long time. Yeah. So I get there and I get my camera, things are good. I put my jacket, Janis hosts, I say Janus thanks and I've said, what's the

quickest way I could get down? Should I take this and he's giving it and I walk through the fucking kitchen and this fucking guy, I don't know what he's talking about. He was just backing up. He was trying to talk to the chef and I just feel not not a graze. Yeah, but I feel a fucking I feel a you smudged it. I felt a smudge and it wasn't a bottom smudge or a toast Mudge it was a fucking it was like it was a hit. It was a fucking hit I swear to God my whole fuck everything just stopped really everything just I honestly it was a nightmare at that moment It was because it was the last thing I've been thinking about putting these things on this was the nightmare of this

Shoot the last two days would this ever happen I could deal with a little fucking thing that you take a you know, and that's that's kitchen smooch He's been in a fucking His dirty kitchen black fucking re-baw Every fucking sous chef in the world has the same Gook shoes. This is why I like Okay, this smells like fucking dirty water. I knew he was fucking roaming around and that crusty fucking thing slipping

with his fucking galoshes and his other fucking stupid shoes that they wear. You know those fucking rubbery things that people in the kitchen want? And I knew. There she is. I knew he was fucking doing that. Okay.

Yeah. And he fucking grazed it and I looked down and everything froze. And I looked down and I just see fucking black On my fucking white sneaker, right and I'm going these hang on one second Michelle wolf is here. What's up Michelle? First you got new sneakers. He had a fucking accident. He's right at the end Michelle knows Michelle knows good sneakers He's a classics rob laborers. He's a classic adidas, okay? She knows. I like adidas.

Yeah, no, I'm, you know, I'm getting a sufferer, everybody. Immediately backtrack, see that I'm a pro at every part. Now the last thing I could do is fuck you into this shit right now. I can't, you know what I mean, you like him, you don't like him, I gotta get through this. Alright, so, this fucking cock sucker steps on these things. And it's fucking hard. Like it wasn't like a graze, like where you're like, oh, I could, you know, and I looked down.

And I've had these for two days, they're white. And I just go, this is a kitchen like you said. And I look down and it's a black fucking thing. And I just, everything stopped. The whole, everything just stopped and froze. So I run out, I go yana's I got an emergency What yeah, I go you got another comedian. Yeah, of course he knows Like me so I go yana's I got a emergency and what he said

He comes over he goes what what a fucking Patrick Melgan everybody looks I go do you not gonna look at this and I just showed you on us and he goes all right Dude look and he just turned into a fucking doctor. He listen, you gotta get what you gotta dab it. You got a fucking But like the supportive friend Maricia came out you Bobby That's it Motherfucker gotta die Yannis and I are close because Yannis didn't fucking judge me like you

on the Sunire close because Janice didn't fucking judge me like you fuck you Judged me like you fucks did Janice went right to fucking let's get to the operating table Uh-huh. Can I say something because this fuck is you is wearing my hammy downs, okay? And this clock sucker works for Lewis Gomez, okay? These guys They both look like they got stains on their shoes that would still be the cleanest part. Bobby, that was yours? Huh? That was yours? No, I would never do that. Oh, you have bad luck. I love that you know where you part. I mean, that was yours. Huh? That was yours. No, I would never.

Oh, you act bad luck. It's his. I love that you know me. You're like, dude, that was fucking yours. I'm never bringing my kid to your house again. So, so I go, he tells me, you know what he said to me? He honest goes, I know it's a nightmare. And I said, I said, this is a nightmare right now.

This was my nightmare. This is the one, if I dreamt. OK, if I, when I'm born, you know dream? No, no, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I, when I dreamt, okay, when I, when I dreamt, okay, when I, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dreamt, okay, when I dream would be it. So I'm fucking in the bathroom and I'm fucking sweating. But here's what really upset me. What? I didn't lock the door because I didn't have to piss. All I did was put my foot up and start dabbing and the cook tried getting in the bathroom.

The same guy. No. The guy he was talking to. And he comes in the bathroom and I go, I'm sorry, did I be out one second? And he just goes, and he fucking gave me that look like. You should either be in there with the door locked.

Or you should. And it's fucking just fucking. But I mean the guy got mad the guy who I used to bathroom Who who's been working all day cooking in the kitchen who has a family? He's kind of who lives in a shitty thing? The guy the guy who guy who really doesn't have nice sneakers because he can't afford it It came in and saw some fucking knucklehead from Westchester I was dead Gabby having fucking a little smudge on a lace got mad at you because he had to take a shit since noon fucking knucklehead from Westchester Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington,

Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington,

Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington,

Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, Washington, what was going on because they know what the sneakers black guys are like sneakers too I love it. Everyone just shut up on that one. Well because it said day. The black guy didn't matter when he says day and he blankets off. He's politically correct. You can't even say that what else are they? What the fuck is it? If they're single, I don't know what it was. See me listen, we're gonna come back. I thought sneaker head was a racial slur. So anyway, I fucking say that I'm not dead. You just go black people sneaker heads.

I say that I got my bad. I dabbed the sneaker. I did the best I could. Right, can I see it? Yeah, it's in my mind. Can I see the damage? I want to show the, we got people in the chat room. I did good. This happened today. Yeah.

You sure you got a toothbrush? I mean, there's people there. Yeah, everybody you should get a toothbrush. I mean the people Yeah, so they can see that's not can I say I need to say he's fine. Can I say can I see it? I want to show the people. I cleaned it up pretty good. You should get a tight stick. I clean I think I need to go on the other side, but you should have put a toothbrush in that right? Yeah, right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, but it was pitch black like it was black, you know Wow, what was it food? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, It's like a sneaker cleaner with the scrub brush on top. I want to let it soak in and I'm going to dab it. I'm going to scrub it and do it again. So I've never cleaned a shoe.

Oh my God. This is the manliest conversation I've ever had. I don't, I mean, you like sneakers, all right? I do. I always see you at the stand. You always got like nice kicks on. Yeah. These are cool.

Let me see what kind of kicks you get on. Those are those new? New-ish. OK. OK. Those are pretty fancy. Those are fancy So yeah, I'm not a sneaker. I like look I like converse John Velvedo fucking converse. That's all I like Converse is terrible for you. There's no art support the new ones have it and the John Velvedo's have it Yeah, they call the con the regular converse the old ones terrible for your feet. I have one right now. They're terrible

But they have zippers on them. so it's easy to get on and off. But I swear to God, they have zippers. The fucking shoe, the sneaker with a zipper is my fucking save my life the last two years. My bikini. I mean, he's got my kitties. My kitties? My kitties. My kid would have never went outside if it wasn't for these sneakers. I bought slip-ons.

Don't even keep yourself. Reebok makes fucking, I bought slip-on fucking shoes. They look like regular sneakers, and the back of your, if you wear sweatpants, the back of it goes over the back. Of course you wear sweatpants. So nobody can see. If you wear sweatpants,

someone that wears slip-ons, oh my god, man. Oh, you should see me. I'm a fucking nightmare. It's my wife. What a fucking ass. You know, we had a, she sets up a, a pajama brunch party with gnome and his kids. That's what I want. I want the fucking owner of the comedy seller at my house on a Sunday. Pajama. Yeah. So he comes over, he's in his pajamas. We're all in a pajamas. I'm in fucking Boston, brewing fleece pajamas.

I mean, what time is it? What time is it? Good fucking, I don't know. It's at 10 o'clock, 10, 10, 30, 11. They can go brunch. Brunch time, whatever brunch time is. That's early for brunch. Well, not when you have two-year-olds.

That's like children brunch time. Yeah, it's a children brunch. The kids get up, they get to eat. So my wife makes this big, you know, my wife, which-olds. Like, like, children, right now. Yeah, it's a children's box. The kids get up, they get to eat. So my wife makes this, you know, big, you know, my wife, the way she does. She's like, your wife, she makes a big spread. So, yeah. Whole spread, and we're sitting there,

and then she goes, you gotta go to the store, after every leaves, you gotta go to the store and get milk and this, and that's all right. So I leave, okay? I'm in the fucking store. I got my fucking pajamas on. Mm-hmm. She didn't, she stops me when I'm wearing fucking, you know,

the wrong color shirt when it, you know, that's blue and blue. You can't go out like that. And I'm like, why? I'm wearing fucking PJs. I gotta stain on my shirt because my kid fucking had his, I look like a nightmare and the things that too long, I'm in the public with pajamas on. I'm like,

What point did you realize you had your pajamas on? I actually went, my had a nut itch and I went to, I went to itch my nut and I was like, these pants are so soft. And I was like, oh, I'm wearing fucking pajamas. The jama bottoms. I call it like, what are you fucking nuts? I'm wearing pajamas, she goes,

well, you should look at, wait, you're fucking wearing me. Really? I tried to wear a green shirt with, I would, green shoes with a red shirt the other day, you wouldn't let me the fuck out of the house. But, because I look like fucking, an elf, but you let me wear pajama bottoms?

You look like Santa. I do. Yeah. The funny part is, last year I dressed up like Santa. I make a great Santa. Of course you don't count. Well, guys, all right. All right.

I mean, that's a tough sell, Bob. Hey, fat, fat too. How are you doing on me? I'm not helping out here. Now you're not, you're fatty. You're a fucking good Santa too. We are three. You're gonna get a Santa hand me downs.

I would love to. Do you have actually a Santa costume I needed for the gram? The what? The Instagram my erotic Instagram account. I'm not like you fucking. You just call it the gram? Yeah, I was gonna do that. Yeah, that you should be shot.

No, guys. That's not my entire Instagram persona's ironic. So just please take a look at it. That's not me, maybe you're gonna love it. Guys, please. First of all, what is this? It's called the Adonisment. it's called the Adonisement. It's called the Adonisement.

Colin Quinn's is ironic, okay? So I don't steal his whole, oh, fucking Twitter, I dare and throw it on the gram and they get yours. Okay, different thing, but that's fine. I love your Instagram, by the way. Thank you so much. Yeah, they gave me this hat. Good stick, good stick on Instagram.

These guys fucking, Yuri, let's just come up. Oh, I remember, I remember, yeah, these are G-shirts. They gave T-shirts, the hats, the fucking cigars. It looks like weed though, it looks fucking Yuri. That's this company. Oh, I remember I remember yeah, yeah, these shirts they gave t-shirts the hats the fucking So it looks like we though it looks like a joint. It doesn't look like a cigar. This doesn't This doesn't look like a cigarette looks like a joint. I know the fuck out of here. I look like a joint. It looks like a white fucking Yeah, it looks like a joint. Yeah, that looks like a joint. I think if it was a cigar It would just be the stitching on the outside and red for the flame, you know Well, I guess that was in the middle of the plug for it. I'm sorry Bob, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll put that right there and I've been sober

for 29 years and I want to wear a fucking joint on my head. Fucking asshole, my friend, just let it slide. I don't know, I invited a lot, I invited everybody. Okay, so I don't know who I invited a lot. I invited everybody. Okay, so I don't know who's coming up. So there you go. So we're gonna see who shows up. It's a special New Year's Eve edition. We got nobody.

It was one of the cooks from Nassau. You should have seen Molly Paul snap me out. Yeah, yeah. Somebody's been talking shit on cooks. I'd love it if we should get a cook up here. Just take his shoe off and show just stuff it is. Why don't we go around the room and do everybody's gopo real quick. Alright, so by the way we have a very funny comedian Michelle Wolfe.

First time on the show. I've been trying to get you on, but I saw you tonight and I was like, fuck yeah. How was the show over at... It was really fun. Yeah. It's a weird thing, man. Are you sure if he's storytelling is ever- Oh yeah. What's it called? This is not happening.

This is not happening. It's a weird fucking thing because I feel like some of the stories are fucking jokes because they're so good. He can tell a story so good, it sounds like a you know what I mean he's so good at it yeah but you're like fuck I stink I it's like all right and he goes it has a theme theme's always fuck me up because you're like I don't fucking know what happened in my life right I don't fucking fucking you know tropical what I don't fucking, fucking, you know, a tropical, what, I don't know, I went to a rubah,

what how, I don't know, but it actually was fun. It's one of those things, these are one of those things that you wanna do this and you're like, fuck no, I'm not fucking, fuck you, it's hard enough to write fucking jokes and fuck, nope, and it's all based out of fear, and the only reason why I did this, because I'm afraid to do all that shit,

so fuck it, let's go do it, and I take reason why I did this, because I'm afraid to do all that shit, so fuck it. Let's go do it. And I take a hot one, whatever. If I do all right, you find, it always winds up in the middle where I'm like, God, that was fun. That was cool. You know what I mean?

So those things are always fun after you do them. But up till it, you suck a dick. And I went first, too, which is after Ari, he's so good at it. How was your good? What story did you tell? I told a story about, it really has nothing to do with holidays because that was a theme of holidays. You son of a bitch.

I know, like panic about that shit. I was like, I was like, that reminds me of finals, which reminds me of... I like A to C to improvise. Like finals where I may. No, I told a story about how the first, like adult human penis I ever saw was on a cadaver that I was dissected. Blowing?

I have a weird thing. A quirk. It's a quirk. Like Paul, you and your shoes. I like cold dead gray dick. What? It's a thing. Some people like cream in their coffee, some of them want it.

So you tell the story about what? How the first, uh, adult human penis ever saw was on a cadaver. I was dissecting anatomy class. Were you gonna be a doctor or something? Yeah, yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to, well that was in, it was that guy. You have a nervous breakdown.

Why would you fucking, why would you not do that? I really, I wanted to either go to medical school or get my PhD in exercise science. And then I ended up, I studied a ton in college and kind of got burned out. And I was like, my roommate's had all gotten jobs here in New York, down Wall Street. And they were like, just get a job on Wall Street.

Well, I'll live in New York for a couple years. And so I did. So you worked out, so you're gonna be a doctor, said fuck it, I mean, for shits and gilquets, I'm gonna Wall Street for a couple years. I worked at Bear Stearns. Oh shit, are you kidding me? I just saw that movie, the big short. I worked at Bear Stearns. Oh shit. Are you kidding me? I just saw that movie, the big show.

I'm so excited to see it. Wow. Is it good? It's complicated and they explain, it's really good the way they, because they really had to dumb it down from guys like me. It's not an easy like topic. It's not. Because I always want to tell jokes about what I worked on while I was doing it, but I'm

like, I can't talk to you. It's very hard. They literally dumbed it down. They had, should I spoil alert a little bit? I mean, it's a true story. Well, no, the way they did it. Oh, okay. You mind? All right, spoil alert. If you're going to see the movie, go fuck yourself. Here's 10 seconds. One, two, three, four, five, six. Anyways, they explain it through, they'll get like a famous person, like a hot chicken, a hot tub. And here's blah, blah,

blah, you know What's her name Gomez? Whatever that girl is? Selena Gomez and this fucking scientist will explain through back blackjack what the fucking CDO is you know, I mean so they so they you understand you'd never understand it if they just explained it What is but through blackjack or a hot shit not a hot tub, you're like, oh, I get it. Oh yeah. So they dumb it down in a funny, cool way. That's cool.

Yeah, so it was a good movie. It was a good movie to me because I bought, you know, I was learning about real estate for the first time during all the, at the peak. And then it fell the fuck out right after I bought it. Yeah. And then I had to sell like a few years ago when it was, you know, so I had to learn about that stuff. Yeah, you know it was good at that Vinny brand. Oh, yeah

He's a blade so you were on Wall Street. Yeah, I but I started burst in 2007 Oh, he should the summer 2007 and they collapsed in March of 2008 Like yeah, well, it's weird because what the mortgage Mortgages and that whole industry was never supposed to have a bubble. It was never supposed to fail Yeah, it was just it was unbeatable and this one guy this fucking genius doctor Guy who worked for on Wall Street not a we know he found it He was like oh shit. This is gonna burst this bubble is gonna pop in a few years It's gonna and if you buy all the shit right now, it's 20 to one, and when it pops,

you're gonna be a fucking gazillionaire. Yeah. And everybody was like, fuck, you're nuts. You're not buying shit stuff with our money, and he did it, and then someone else got wind of it, and they did it, and then two other dudes did it. Like only a few people did this, and they found out that the banks were lying about the mortgages. It was supposed to be AAA but it was like B-shit mortgages. They were unrated.

They were like pervert. The rating companies they paid them to give them AAA ratings. Yeah. And they basically said, look, if we don't give them the AAA ratings, they'll just go down there and they'll give them the AAA ratings. Yeah. Because and the late the basically said, look, if we don't give them the triple A ratings, they'll just go down there and they'll give them the triple A ratings. So we might as well do it. Fuck you. Everybody's making money. It's really insane that no one got put in jail for that. Right. One guy did. They say in the movie, one poor mother fuck it did. I think it was an Indian dude. No offense. Yeah. The owner of Citibank, right? Yeah. I think so in one one fucking guy did. And then then after that they were still right after the bailout

i was talking to my friend joe jordanno shoulder's joe mike vecki on two point out we call them at my birthday parties he actually said that they were still handing out bonuses checks yet the it was infuriating after that the president's vice presidents of the company yet after uh... after, after the bailout. And even the guys that got fired got the severance packages that were like $50 million or something like that. I mean, something in the golden parachute over there call it.

Even though you got fired, when you fucked that up, they still got to retire rich. It was insane. Insane. And the banks knew about it. Oh, absolutely. And they also knew the government bail him out so they didn't give a fuck.

Well, that's satisfying, because I, fairstones was like a company that was like built for like blue collar guys that wanted to like make money. Like so it was like all these like hard working kind of Midwestern guys that moved in New York and like wanted to become rich. And they were like, you know, like corn fed kind of like hard working people

that had then invested back in the company. So which is dumb, you should diversify. But when the stock dropped to $2 a share, they lost their job and their stock. So it was like, you just saw these people that had worked their whole lives. They had like 45 year careers that they worked there lose everything.

How do you feel about your shoes now? I'm still waiting for the dead dick story. It's this fucking turn fucking boring. It's been a mean fucking stuff to be playing chess, darn it. It's a diversify your fight. What the fuck is this? She said she's telling a story about the fuck. I love Paul Thursey. I want everybody to look at me right now. I love Paul Thursey. I was waiting.

She's like the first male dick I ever saw. I was from a dead guy. And then all of a sudden you're talking about a documentary. I told him I was a man. I told him I was a man. I told him I was a man. I told him I was a man. I told him I was a man.

I told him I was a man. I told him I I was waiting. She's like the first male dick I ever saw I was from a dead guy and then all of a sudden you're talking about a document I totally forgot about the dick I was thinking every time I watch Wolf of Wall Street like I have to have something to say here I got fucking nothing. What about the dead dick? You back? Oh, man. All right, we're off. All right, go back to the dead dick.

I'm sorry, you're out of those. Versi, when you fucking write, you're right. I apologize. I went off on a tangent about something. I barely, I watched a movie. I learned what I know about it. I learned last night. And I'm talking about it like I was on Wall Street.

And she was a doctor and a fucking broker. And now she's a fucking comic. He goes, what was your story? What was your story? She goes, all right, the first dick I ever saw was on a cadaver and he goes, spoiler alert about this fucking dog. I'm sorry, I just, I'm sorry, I love you, I love you more than life itself, Percy. I want to be your manager. That's how much I love you. I want to quit the business and just make these things. So I can use it. So I can talk. Good.

So you see a deck, it's dead. And there's real estate investment trust. Now what is a mortgage back to your room? In first of all, you were into this, too, you messed up. I told you. And sometimes somebody gets smart, you get a heart on it. is a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum.

It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum.

It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage-gum. It's a mortgage lab and it's an old guy who had donated by the science. He's in his 70s and we dissected the whole body.

But I was in a group where most of the guys in the class were, or most of people in the class were guys. And so like we had six people on the one body and so like I was the one that was like they were like I don't want to cut this penis open. And also oh yeah he wasn't circumcised. So the first penis I ever saw is dead and uncircumcised. I had to circumcise him. How old were you? Makes you pretty natural. I was 21. Hang on one second. You're not circumcised?

Well, you know, I'm a circumcised training American. You seen my dick, Bob? Sorry. Hang on. Oh, you can't just say that with all around the bowl. Sorry All right, listen, I'm not the one fucking dying to go back to dick stories by the way. Yeah, I was over at mortgage Well, his dick's interesting. He's got a piercing. Yeah, he's got a fucking massive thing in his dick A prince Albert, but it's huge. All right anyways,. So you have, you serious. So she cut an open. Do you see a totally normal question? One has a question. Do you,

you've done mumbling into the microphone? Yes, I've done. I, listen, do you think a circums, un-circuitous penis is disgusting? Or you don't like it? No, I don't care. You don't care. Yeah, really?

So if a guy pulls out his pecker and it's un-circuitous, you're fine with it. You don't go, oh fuck, more work. No. Really? Okay. If I was a girl and a guy pulled, no, don't think- What more work do you think it is?

You have to shuffle it back. Oh yeah, that's- You've got to pop it up so much work. You have to pop it out of the sleeve. You like a zipper shoe. Yeah. You know what I mean? This is so much more work.

If they made a zipper dick, Bobby would be great. There's nothing like when you were especially for me Yeah, I Digged pops out and it's ready to be I just like things ready to go I'm like when you unzip that thing in a flopped-sout. I don't want to have to take one more move and pop it out of the I want it to be ready to go right in that fucking jaw tube. Paul literally is uncomfortable right now.

This is the... You're like made to order sandwich. Yeah, I don't want to... I hate having a fucking put shit on it. That's why like Dunkin' Donuts better. They put the cream in. Fuck Starbucks and it's walking over a booth. So, so you see this dick. Now it's uncircumcised and nobody wants to play with the dick.

And you'll let, do you go, I'll do it. I'll do it. I don't care. Because they're mostly men anyway. So I was like, I was like, I get why they don't want to cut a penis. And so it would be like, cut off the foreskin and then we cut the penis and you cut it in a half long way. What's inside? It's it's really cool Why do you have to cut a dick open?

Because we're dissecting a human so you have to like you have to know What no one's out of dick. I never thought about that That's what I understand that is no to save somebody I never say to what his wife he put a dick open. He's the dumbest I think the dumbest person I know It's the anatomy I had it but like don't scream into the mic you fucking a They would cut someone chest open to see and save somebody where it did So what if somebody hurts and just about? Like they need to know how it works so that like if it doesn't they can fix this.

Is there an episode of Sesame Street? We can fix it. I think there's a... Did the giant talk before? It wasn't getting me hard. I'm not gonna lie, that was fantastic. There's a fucking... Why are they gonna cut a dick open?

Why are you gonna fuck with Dix? I think there's a school house rock. Why are you gonna know what's inside? It's a dick, you piss shit com. Go, go, go. It's actually really cool though because it you come, go, go, go. It's actually really cool though, because it's like, it looks like a sponge,

which is like why when blood flows into it gets hard. Oh, so that, so oh, really one second. So inside of a pecker, right? Do we have to medical term? Yeah. The medical term and buster. The other weird thing is that like, penis is the medical term, which is like,

that doesn't sound medical. It sounds like someone's like, my penis. What would be medical for it? I don't know, like a reptile rod. No, that sounds... Mid... It sounds like a porn star. How about that?

It sounds like a porn star gladiator, right? Yeah, yeah. What about midfinger? Midfinger is that bad, yeah. I like that. I like midfinger. I like midfinger. Midfinger? Yes, right. It doesn't curlfinger. I like Midfinger. Midfinger?

Yeah, it's the, you know, there's a curl like a finger. I don't know, it's just, that's not bad. Nice, you, you was swinging. I like, yeah. Trying to find something in that or shit Midfinger thing I said. Paul just gave up. And I was like, it sounds like a Renaissance term.

That's the way it's like, I'm in finger. Yeah, like you're Eastern Europe, like an 1802. My midfinger's that. Listen, so listen. So when you open up a penis inside of it, it's a sponge, so that's how when the blood goes into the little mushroom, what's called, the little arpenis, the little midfinger. Wait, wait, wait. Do you have a smaller penis inside your penis? What a smaller penis? I'm talking about my penis.

I'm talking about my penis, okay? Ugly Greek dick. I don't have a great leaf like you, okay? So, so you got the little tiny pecker when it's not hard, right? So you got a little, like maybe an inch or so. You were talking about an off penis. Two inches off a flaccid penis. A flaccid penis. You got maybe two and a half inch, regular or soft. What's good for you? So regular size, three, two and a half, right?

You get a half an inch regular flaccid penis, then you get the helmet, right? So when the blood goes into it, it's a sponge, and it expands like a sponge wood. So you get a little, when the sponge dries out, and then it gets water, and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you fucking turning me on, you fucking jerky yourself off. I'm gonna mash it to you. Is that the point? Is that the point those can?

So there's like, if you, if you were gonna cut a penis in half lengthwise and it was split open, then like on the one half you'd have, what is it? Like the urethra or whatever it is? And then on either side, there's like a sponge, essentially. I don't remember the exact name for it,

but I think it has sponge in the name. Spungy also? Man, that will fill with blood, which expands in every direction, essentially. Every direction, and then it goes out and gets bigger. Is there any way, will they be able to figure out someday where they could add more of that sponge to you? Do they make a dig digger? Where they could make a dig digger?

I mean, is there a tablet you can get? I feel like, isn't that, can you get a penis? I don't know. I'm playing. I can get like a penis implant. No, you can definitely get extra data. No, you can get an implant. Oh really?

I'm sorry, what was that? You can get extra dick added. You can get dick added. All right, let's hear about it. You can send us a surgery for that, like someone says, there business. Oh, really? I'm sorry, what was that? You can get extra dick at it. You can get dick at it. All right, let's hear about it. You can send you a surgery for that. Like someone says, there's an app for that. Yeah. So you have this guy's dick and you cut it in half. Yeah.

And then what do you do? Don't you look at dick weird after that? Like, you know, honestly, and this is the other thing I said in the story, which is like, the, I've never been in a relationship. So like, I've seen like penises. Today from the time you were born, you've never been in a relationship.

I've never been in a relationship. I've never been in a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Never had a girlfriend. Have you ever been in any relationship? Are you in the men or women?

I like men. She like men. Yeah. But like, so like, like I only ever like, I've seen a penis maybe three to five times is the maximum amount I've seen one penis. Ever? Really?

Like a lot of different penis in there. Is that the dead penis in there? But no, so the dead penis is the penis I've seen the most because I had a whole semester with that penis. I know it was the first one. That was the first one. The first one ever. You never forget your first.

And that was, so I had like, I saw that penis like, probably like 18 times. Did you get to keep it? No. Hold on, it doesn't have fucking jargon. It's not a wall like a butterfly. It's like Iron Man's first fucking that pepper gave him.

He just like pinned open like a button. Oh. So, so you saw, that's, saw a dead penis more than anything else. Yes, yeah. Why have you never been, I mean you're a pretty girl, you're smart. You're fucking crazy smart. Is it commitment? Do you have that comic commitment thing?

I think that's part of it. I think it's also like I've always been, and it's part of the commitment thing, but I've always been busy enough that like, it's never been, like I just don't even have time to go on dates, or I don't make time to go on dates. Really? Yeah, there's never like a date. So you're just like, oh, I should go on a date.

Do you have time to go out with your friends? I don't really ever go out. I mean, like I have a comment with comics, but like. What do you do? Well, I work, and then I do stand up. What do you do? What do you, what show you do? What show are you on? What are you writing for?

Late night with a fire. So you write for a late night. So you work in all fucking day, five days a week. And then you come out and do spots. And then you go to the fuck home. And then a weekend you're doing spots. And then what do you do during the day? During the day on Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday and Sunday? I work out. I work out. I work out. But if you have all fun of Saturday, if you have all fun of saturday or just something like that Will you just go to the movies with friends or like well? I just like because I haven't been home all week all like get some shit done All relax and then I'll like go work out. Do you want to be in a relationship?

Like I don't know. I don't do you want to have do you want to make out? No, not with me I said it weird Why are you looking at your lips body what did they go and looking at you I'm looking at you but if you look at him, he'll never come back oh shit dude so I like making up with guys I mean I hook up with guys I mean I have like I

there were I for a while I had like a couple friends and I would like hook hook up with guys. I mean, I have like, for a while, I had like a couple of friends that I would like hook up with everyone's in a while. So you just married to comedy. Yeah. You're married, we were all do, like, I was the same way. I didn't fucking have a girlfriend at all.

Even though I knew my chick even when that happened, I was here, she was in Boston, and I went to LA, she was, you know, she went to LA, I was here, you know. But I do feel like this, I do feel like I've seen people say things, and I mean, I should say, I've heard people say things like,

yeah, I just don't have time for it, but I feel like if you find somebody, like you make time. Like you make time. I know people that are really fucking busy, you know? And it's like I like that fucking person, and you know what, when I have that gap in my day, I'll fucking wanna be with them, you know what I mean?

No, I know. I'm that way now. That's like I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you.

I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I'm not going to be with you. I work at fucking all day and shit. What? What the fuck? I thought I was laughing. What the fuck?

Nothing, just go ahead, you make me laugh. Oh, I was just saying like, no, I was just saying like, I just like... The rather fist fight, I don't know what happened. No, I'm sitting there, I'm just sitting there, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting there. First, you make me laugh. Oh, that's my shit. The fuck, I can't laugh at all. What the fuck are the people that I hate? It's a world coming to me.

No, I was like, she goes to the, you know, you go to Seth Meyers all day, you come back. But if somebody came along, you'd be like, oh, you know what, I'm going to go out to fucking eat with this guy or... Yeah, I mean, if someone came along, I would, but like, I still like... I mean, I feel like I have this conversation with Guy Friends at mine all the time, where they're like, she wants me to hang out at night and I'm like, I'm like, you have to explain to her that this is your job and that this is not gonna change.

And that's just how I think of it. Yeah, my my chick, I go, I can go anywhere, do anything she's like, yep, see you later. Yeah. I just got a great square. I fucking met a perfect square. No, I got, I got definitely, I got lucky too. Yeah, I met the guy. Got the right woman, you know. No, I got definitely, I got lucky too.

Yeah, I met the guy. I got the right woman. We wanted the same thing. Supportive with my career. I had kids, I got it. Yeah. Well, I just, it's, it's, but I was the same way she was. You know, how old you?

30. Same way. Fuck it. I'll hook up when I hook up, but I'm going to do spots. I'm fucking on the road. I'm fucking hanging up my friends. And I'm trying to be funny. I'm fucking on the road. I'm fucking hanging up my friends and I'm trying to be funny. And I was married to comedy.

I was in love with it, married to it, fucking lockdown. And that's it. And that's like, even when I have some free time, it's just like, oh, good, I don't have to talk to anybody right now. I like just like, It's so busy that it's like,

yeah, it's nice to have time to just do anything. So you said, fuck being a doctor. Yeah, you know, I studied way too much in school. Where'd you go? I went in my marry. And I just was like, I was so burnt out. Like I had to get an A, you know, like I didn't even want, it wasn't even that I had to get an A.

I always wanted to get the best grade in the class. Yeah, yeah, totally. So you're saying the same thing. Yeah, same thing. It's like a competitive thing. I hated, I didn't even give a fuck about the actual class. I read a lot of the. So it's like, you're the same way? Same thing, yeah, same thing. It's like a competitive thing. Yeah. I hated, I didn't even give a fuck about the actual class. I read a lot of the time, it was just like,

I just have, I was in a program too, it's like, oh, I want to show these kids I'm smarter than them, but I didn't give a fuck. If I got us, if I got, whatever the gray was that had got me, like if it was a D plus or a C, that's all I aim for. All I want is to know was I wasn't the lowest. I just want to hate it.

I was, I noticed it's a demon. Buddy, somebody boosts lower, right? When they just, in seventh grade, when they put me into the rubber room, there was always a room down the basement with weights and a snake. Snake. And they didn't go to other classes. They didn't, they did kickball like most of the day. And when I got into that, when I beat up the gym teacher, me and my friend, and I got into

that class, I was so happy. I'm gonna lift me up the gym teacher. I'm gonna lift him weights, and then we go over and play with the snake. You're gonna pet snake. Yeah, then I fucking snake. Who put weights in there? Why would they want to make the retard strong? I don't know. I just say we live weights and then we go fucking play kickball for like way over the time.

Like you knew what fucking like recess was. We were out there until somebody won. Like and then we went back in and we had like four or five paragraphs about, they give you a one paragraph actually, and then five questions for that one paragraph. And it's like right there, I mean, you just could, if you didn't, but still we get a couple wrong. You know what I mean? Wait, do you know what some of the other kids that were in that rubber class, what do you do now?

I don't know, I have no idea. And they have podcasts. You know, I would love to see a reunion. I got in trouble so bad, the principal was this beautiful woman. And she had her hair always in a bun. And she was gorgeous and very high-robert. You having a good day?

And I remember, because she was scared of you. You beat up the gym team. Well, she was going to kick me out was, she was gonna kick me out. They were gonna kick me out. Something happened. And I always fucked up really bad, like, but fucking two weeks left of school. And they said, we're gonna send you home.

We're gonna give you all these papers. Fill them out. And if you fill them all out, you can graduate and move on to eighth grade. And I just this fucking sexy Jewish girl I was dating. I just was fucking banging her. And I just- That was great. I was banging when I was fucking 10.

I remember I gave, I go listen, I'm fucking 10. I'm gonna call it banging, I'm gonna be 10. I go, I go, I need these done. She did them in fucking like a day because it was a paragraph of five, she did them in a day. It was, I think it gave me two day. It was I think it me two weeks I remember I brought it I waited two weeks to it I because I wanted to think that it took me a while

I waited till the last part I walked in I go here you go and I passed I fucking passed nice I didn't I didn't care about any of that shit. Yeah, I need to get the highest grade We like that from the jump because I remember I had yeah I was like in second grade and having like panic attacks over just like not having the highest like standardized test score. I didn't I didn't learn how to read until second grade. I just pretended that I knew how to read like what I do now. I do a story and then I would just like memorize what she said and then I would just pretend that you had a read. I love that scubba was a, that's what I do now. But he wasn't being funny.

Yeah. I was making a mistake, man. He was opening up. I was way distracted in school now. I had teacher, me, my brother, my brother was really smart. So they all thought I was going to be smart, and they were just so disappointed. And I was like, it was a dummy.

Yeah, but I'm sure if you applied yourself, you're not a fucking soap. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, don't just say. I'm not a sportsman. I'm fucking most, I know sports shit off the top of my head. From 19 fucking 42 of anything, but like I can't remember. Who on the world series in 1942? Yeah, I guess.

Who on the world series in 1948? All right, you know what I'm gonna go with the Dodgers. How about that? All right, all right. Well, yeah, that's pretty fascinating. I want my, to be honest, I want my kid, I'd rather have my kid be like you. But I sit there, this is honestly,

I sit there with a book all the time, just so he sees me, you know, of course he can't read yet. He's only two and a half, but all of a sudden, he grabs books now, like he'll go get a book and he'll sit with, you know, the alcoholics, no, it was a book and see he'll see with you know the alcoholics anonymous book He doesn't know Some guy crying while his wife's leaving

Pictures a polarative a joker girl sent me a long time We let it keep just a fucking crack. I want to go out. I have to snap that out of that book first, but Polaroid there's a no of those. Yeah, so I would rather have him be like, you guys, I want him to be in the school. But it was like, my kids will be like that, but I was like, I needed to be to be in school. No, my parents had a fucking brutal divorce and I was just, I lashed out, you know what I mean?

But I was one of those kids where I was in the lower English class and we would write essays. And I never forget to a teacher made me wait and she sent me a talk to me and she goes your stories are really good why don't you apply yourself you should be in the bigger ones and I was only like a C student in that class and she's like I'm putting you in the higher class don't disappoint me and I went from a C student in the low class to a high B in the big one just because she believed because

I was just like now I give a fuck I had to give a fuck because I was distracted I just wanted I wanted to get laid and I wanted to drink that's what I wanted to do but as soon as I as soon as I had to do it I because I was distracted. I just wanted I wanted to get laid and I wanted to drink Yeah, that's what I wanted to do But as soon as I as soon as I had to do it I could I could do it when I got sober they actually I was this is fucking weird I was in I came back out of rehab went back to the ninth grade Yeah, then no, no, no, it was actually his tenth grade I went to the tenth grade and I was I took two classes a day I took a math and a Spanish and then I go I went and worked inth grade and I took two classes a day. I took math and a Spanish. And then I went and worked in a Styrofoam factory.

I got to have a job. I actually retarded was my boss. They really taught me how to retire. I did a special act, you can work in the factory. No, seriously, I found a fucking Styrofoam factory and we would make Styrofoam balls, right? We would make half Styrofoam balls. We played a Hacking P-nuts all balls. We played it, that's all bad.

We did that too, seriously. He'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mentally challenged guy, all right back then you could say mentally retarded you didn't call him retouched back then either you call him mental retarded and he was fucking my boss We made fucking Christmas balls all day, then we hand him off to these what do you call Mexican ladies now? We Little Mexican ladies and they would glue them together and paint them. That's what we did all day. Did he ever scold you? He did he was like no, no, no, no, no, you, I know he's Asian again. I'm nervous to do mental retarded because I don't want to get a blog written about me and everything taken away. Hey, how do you make Styrofoam? They would take Styrofoam. I don't know,

we would get the Styrofoam and then they would compress it together. Okay. And then we would, you'd make like a, you'd take like a square and put it in this lathe and make a half a ball And we give half a balls to these Mexican women and they would glue them together and make a whole ball And that would be your question for you Wait, why can't you make the whole ball? You can't make the whole ball? Like in the retarded I was taught how to make half a ball And I was taught from him

And so on and so forth. It was the first time I was in, you know, there was a Mr. Goldman, Goldman, Goldberg. And he was like, Bobby, can you work on Saturday? And I'd be like, like, he was actually a Catholic, Roman Catholic. Was he the head boss? He had the guy who owned it, yeah. He was a nice guy. But I would, I worked my way out of those rooms

because that was the, you know, the crappy, I actually worked my way back into mainstream classes. The next year, bye. No snakes in those classrooms? He lied, he actually faked credits. Because we're sitting in the room and he goes, you're gonna be in these classes in 11th grade unless we, he goes, when you were were in jail did you take any classes I was like well

we played basketball goes gym check then he goes did you ever do anything I go we did art we painted he goes fucking art class he goes did you ever talk to somebody goes we had like a like classes where they would talk to us about drugs and alcohol. There's good psychology. Any fucking created credits and got me into the 11th grade where I excelled and then I graduated with my class. But two weeks, not two weeks, it was a week and a half before graduating. I threw a chair at a math teacher. Remember the chair, the desk and the chair that was connected? Remember those cool ones, we looked round, desk and you could open it up and I fucking hooked at it, Mrs. Black's head.

Oh, it was a woman. What did you know? There was a kid behind me. I don't know, we were friends and this kid behind me is gonna eat. You're a faggot. And I was like, I laughed, I was like, haha, and he goes, faggot.

And I go, dude, that's the car and he goes, Faggot. And I go, dude, that's funny. Come on, stop it. That's funny. Dude, that's funny. That's funny. Dude, that's funny, stop it. Yeah, it goes, Faggot.

I go, come on, how are you, dude? He goes, Faggot. And I was a huge, seriously, knock it off enough, so enough, and he went, Faggot. And I went, I'm telling you, dude, I'm going to fucking, I, I'm, don't fuck with me anymore. And he goes, it's just very quiet. And then he goes, Bobby is a fat. I fucking, I fucking, I fucking, I fucking, I'm a fucking

murderer now. I said, baby, I miss his black wet Robert Kelly. She hated me anyways. And I took my desk, I threw it, I go go fuck you too fucking asshole and I walk I just walked to the principals off because I've been there before I know you do you know I'm not waiting to be told I know you go and as I'm walking heads just came out of every classroom like the the students and I went in and Mr. D was like hey Bobby what's up because I was a success story and then what happened with the gym teacher why'd you get why'd you fight him? I came in I came up in the hallway and he was I had my friend back in the corner who's

poking his chest going you fucking you little pain in the ass. I know and I go hey what are you doing? He's like mind your business. I'm not fucking minding my business. You're abused in somebody and my friend was like yeah you're abusing me. You know I not so tough now with two of us. And we started fucking pushing him and slapping him. What a pussy, Jim, he deserved it. Yeah, he was a big kid and he was a big guy. He knew we were mental. He knew that we'd fucking. He backed off.

Well, we would've hit him with sticks. He could have fought you if you played by the fighting rules. Yeah, fighting rules. Yeah, fighting Yeah fighting. I love that when people I'll beat you up. What do you think is gonna be fair? I already fucking look I have nine weapons and when I hit you That fucking bottles going in your eye that's fun that dirty penny I'm gonna put in your mouth and then punch in the stomach and you choke on it I've got nine ways to kill you that's not fair Jack you went to school. Yeah, yes. I did got nine ways to kill you, that's not fair.

Jack, you went to school? Yep, yes, I did go to school. Oh, you never know, dude, you're a little crazy. Yeah, no, I was the same as Stavilla. You're smart. I had to be top of, yeah. Top of everything. Yeah, I remember being like a little little kid

and crying if I didn't get in there. Wow. But that was like fucking hardcore, like, that was in my house if I didn't have an A it was like a fucking problem Really why what was your why would your parents mean or your father? No, they were nice. I think both my parents I was the first in my like generation to go to college and I think they always saw that for me So anything short of being very successful at school

They were like flipping out because my dad didn't go to college. He had a sacrifice it for his little brother Wow, so I think that it for his little brother. So I think that was always his thing. To make sure I went to a good school. Did you like school? Or did it fuck you up? I hated high school and I loved college. Why did you hate high school?

Look at me. Look at me and listen to me. That's sad, man. Here's the one thing that I liked about myself in high school and college, is that I hung out with the fucking doebs I hung out with the project rats I hung out with the fucking jocks I hung out with everybody I had actually I had a fucking thing that I would like a group that I created where people who were having hard times would come and we just talk. Isn't that what this podcast is? I guess not.

Bit of fun to write. Yeah, I hate that, dude. I used to love guys like you in high school. I stuck up for nerds. I stood up to the bullies for the nerds. You did? Yeah. Because I was a fucking... I was always in that shit, man. When they made fun of me, they made people.

I remember one girl. I was friends with her. She was crying and she said, so-and-so did this to me. And I fucking he was a bigger kid to me. And I made him get on his hands and knees and bark like a dog in front of everybody before he left. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I don't know if that's Jesus. I don't know.

No, no, she was crying. Fuck that. She was crying. She was crying. What do you do to you? I'll fuck him right in the ass right now. No, she was Fuck you with Dix again That guy has the word dog no, she was crying. She said I was she was made fun of she had problems with her eyes

People made fun of her and I said that's fucking not cool. I called it over and I said fucking and I you man made him humiliate himself Maybe I was wrong I said fucking and I you man made him humiliate himself cuz I mean maybe I still was wrong But I remember seeing her years later and she's like do you remember how nice she like fucking remember you know that kid killed with a leash. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's Michael Vick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit.

That was nice. Oh, that's because she's fucking genius for Christ's sake. She could have been a doctor and a fucking Wall Street mogul. She decided to fucking do a late spot at the cellar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have the same problem though, right?

And your parents are really strict on you. No, I mean, my parents cared about education and stuff, but they kind of saw that I cared more about the simple things, like making friends and trying to make connections like that. Really? They kind of just find your own way, do your own thing. Oh, that was fucking it. I was like, what I expected.

Yeah, I know. Everyone assumes that. I expect, yeah. You got a ruler for Christmas. I don't know. I think I have it, right? I think the pass it. I've had it since.

Pinchabi guys, you're like the red necks of India. So, you know, a lot of farmers, a lot of military. Oh, no shit, I see I didn't know that. Yeah, there you go. I am a racist. I just got all Indian people when they came here but were fucking intelligent. So you're a redneck of India.

Well my family has a lot of that going on. No shit. Alcohol? Alcoholism and stuff like that. Did your father, the family on a farm? Yeah, like, yeah, both sides of my family had farmland in India. Wow. So if you lived in India, you'd be in a farm.

Yep. Wow, I saved you. I think so, yeah. You saved me. I saved you. Thank you Bobby. And you'd be in a farm. Yep. Wow, I saved you. Think so, yeah. You saved me. I saved you, Bobby. And you, whatever family you have. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, it's funny. Now, you, so you'll just forget it with dudes right now. Yeah, I mean, I, so we're not gonna make up. No, no, no, no, no, this is not gonna happen. All right. That's fucking kidding. I'm fucking kidding, I'm married, I'm happily married. Unless you let me cut your penis in half. Yeah, if you want to fucking try, you can do for it, we stick a sponge in it. I'm very excited about Christmas this year because I finally get to enjoy Christmas again because of my kid.

I really fucking hate Christmas to me for the last whatever. It's just been shit. I don't have shitty memories as a kid, really. Just another I told because I told my story about how Christmas is sucked when I was a kid. I have my bike stolen. I finally got the bike of my dreams. Got stolen the next day. The year before that I got a remote control my dreams. Got stolen the next day.

The year before that, I got a remote control car and that fucking abusive douchebag used it. Now, you know, I'm gonna teach you how to use it. I'm a fucking kid. Just let me the fucking toy you. Fucking douchebag. And he touched the antennas together and the fucking thing broke. And then the year after that, he got me a beautiful Afghan puppy puppy puppy named Bo which means beautiful. Fucking gonna fight with my mom. He let it out of the backyard. Hit by a train. What? Jesus. I made the last part. I think I actually black guy took him. I'm kidding about that. They... Was it a puppy?

Yeah, the puppy was real. What happened to the puppy? He ran away, man. Because Afghans are runners. They fucking just take off. It wasn't his home yet. So I think he ran away. My mother said he saw somebody with him

a week later. And she was like, you know what, he's got a better home. He looked happy, so fucking, she was divorced in him. So now Christmas gets to be fun again for me, because I get to buy him something, which is great. I bought him a fucking car, like an actual car that goes five miles an hour. Like one of those little fish of my car. The electric ones?

Yeah, yeah, it's like, you know, it's never so much fun. It's like, you can use it. Because we did that. What do you mean, why? We did that for our kid. We did that? A car?

Yeah, they got the fucking, you know, family got them. She's got the Barbie thing, it goes like 10 or five. Yeah. And then yeah, and they go and they go on the fucking yard they do it and they get out and they look for something else is gonna collect us hopefully it doesn't happen well thank you for fucking second step that you refuse me I think the beginning of the story I say that we're looking forward to the year is they finally get to have a good one and you should oh my car no he

might like it but it's you don't No, when you get the kid shit like that you get excited because it's a big box and then you're like look and then they just They just my son just rummage his looks and I you know, I had one like that. I was thrilled Bobby Honestly, I got a lot out of it. It got stolen But before I got stolen I loved it so I love you know, you're fine I'm a little tired of that. But before I got stolen, I loved it. So I love, you know, you're fine. I love it.

I love him. I love him, and Woodsie, he does. But you know, he really, we did bring him, this was fucked up. Okay, I go to the fucking Santa thing, we pay the money to go at 10.30, we get there, you have to pay to, because it's an experience. Okay, my wife went last year without me,

because I was on the road this year. I'm going, we get down there early, ...casi es una experiencia. Ok, mi familia fue hasta el año que me ha estado en el camino. En este año, me voy a ir. Cuando llegamos a la mañana, es una de las nuevas, más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los más de los de los más de los más de los más de los de los más de los de los más de losismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Huelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com And Santa, you know, when you go see Santa, I want an old white lady going, hey kids, come on in Santa, I don't want to put a

Regan girl with a fucking, you know, you want to see Santa? Yeah, a yin and yang tattoo on the back of her neck. Go on yo yo yo, come on in. No, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, all the machines don't work, only two, so share. That's the reason. We're in the, it's a sleigh, right? It's a natural sleigh with a, with a, with a screen and it's a little kid ride, but it goes up and it feels like you're flying through the air. And all of a sudden, we're in this dark thing and the things and we're going and we're fine to go to the south, put Put the south north pole to see Santa and all of a sudden the room lights out all the kids turn because they see this beautiful bright light

It's her fucking on her phone texting In the dark room. She's in the corner fucking looking down her phone not even it's like you have your job couldn't be fucking easier Hi kids how are you? Come on in. Ah, right, sitting in the chair. Boom, it's a five minute. It's out of complain.

That got me angry just now. Oh, wait, it gets fucking mad. I would have complained. It gets worse first. It gets worse. Oh boy. My ears, my ears, itching, I'm so mad. No, I just got mad.

So then we go in the other room. Honestly, there's another room, a girl in there, right? She don't give a fuck. There's all these machines. You're supposed to fill out your names and stuff. They don't work. Three of them don't work. So you get to sit there and then a wash them.

You know, you get kids, a million people coming and touching the screen. They're not even washing them after. Like baby wiping them down, right? If three of them don't work, it's hot as fuck. So then you go in to see Santa one by one. We finally, all right, the Kellys are up and we go in, the dude who opens the door is this, I don't know if he's black, Puerto Rican, young kid.

Open the door. Oh. Oh. In my face. In my face. No ho ho ho. No merry Christmas. Yeah, he's yaw's in my face. It's not even a leaven you've been open since 10 You fucking piece of shit. What are you bowing out? What the fuck you doing? So then but that's the worst wait. I look over Santa's fucking out

Sleeping Not as a gag. not as this is hey Fucking guys has it I'm taking a quick cat in between the Johnson's and Kelly's on fucking believe I go hey Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa hey Oh my yeah, that's brutal my key can you fall asleep in between? Oh my, yeah, that's brutal. Now my kick can jump. You fall asleep in between.

Because there is like, there's a, they wait, like, they go out and I think they give them a couple seconds to see if they want to come, you know what I mean? I don't know what they do, but it took forever. Fucking crashes, closes us. So then, you know, my wife, she goes, you said, he's really direct, which Santa shouldn't be direct.

You fuck. No, no. I don't talk to my fucking wife like that. My wife goes you said he's really direct which Santa shouldn't be direct I don't talk to my fucking wife like that My wife it's my wife, but I hear you. No, I'm theoretically getting mad No one with the kids, we don't give a fuck at all So can I go to a wanna Chrissy or Versa? You ever want to run out of that? So, I'm sitting there, he goes, okay, you sit over here. It's like, what are you a fucking AD? You, what the fuck are you doing?

You sit over here, my wife's like, okay, and you sit here and put your legs that way, and I'm trying to, I got the kid, and he's freaking out, because it's fucking Santa, and he's never seen, you know what I mean? He's free, so it maxes all, I don't wanna go near this fucking guy, because his energy stinks, the old fucking stinks, the whole, you know, so then, he's free. So Max is all like, I don't want to go near this fucking guy because his energy stinks.

He out fucking stinks. You know, so then he's like, put your legs there and I'm like, there's no like this. No, no, put them that way. That's his tone with me. What? So I'm like, oh, fuck. Max is trying to, so then I go, I go, come on Max,

come on, I'm trying to get Max. Come on Max, turn this way. He goes, let me tell you something son. One, I'll give you a word of advice. Oh, you mother fuck up. It's a maximum you to me To me what is that what is that I was I was I'm gonna try to remember because I saw red at that point because The cock you fucking old fuck from Vermont that comes down For two months out of the year to be

Let me tell you something young man There's two you know two things blah blah and kids don't do what they don't want to do like I don't really mum The fucka you know this is my son. I go with him every fucking day I know that he's I know what he's doing I'm trying to fucking manipulate him into hat relaxing a little bit so we can get a fucking picture with your shit people. That's what I wanna say. That's what I should've said,

but I get so mad I need three days. I need, I'm a three day. I cut it down to a week. Use me a week, I go back in and say what I should've said. But, you know what I mean? This is, wait, it gets worse. The fucking dude with the kid with the bell that yawned, he's sitting there supposed to snap the picture and he has all these things like a bell. Wait, it gets worse. The fucking dude with the kid with the bell that yawned,

he's sitting there supposed to snap the picture and he has all these things like a bell, so he's supposed to get the attention. I'm literally going, hey, ring the bell right now. Ring it, he's fucking looking. And then he looks up when you ring the bell. We all fake smile, ha, he looks, dingin' and dingin' and he snapped the picture,

we all got it. This fuck wouldn't, I'd say ring it. He'd wait like two seconds instead of ringin' it and he go, I go ring it and he go dingin' and dingin' and too late fucking trying to run. It was so annoying, dude. Dude, first of all, you're part to blame, but I know you don't know it. I will fucking end this podcast and that friendship right now I said you're to blame, but you don't know it you can't go to yankers because yankers They fucking yankers is the worst and the way that those fucking

If you're in white plane you go to the go to the westchester and white planes or something like that I would I would I would a fuck it. Yeah, dude. I would have went I would have been like look get I would have said to the Puerto Rican girl or I would have said something I'd be like I need to talk to somebody who's in charge It's just fucking unacceptable. It was unacceptable. I'm gonna show you this Really is fucking unacceptable My kids gonna fucking remember a fucking tattoo on the back of her neck Fucking fat fuck sleeping Hey, go here is a fucking photo

What the fuck my wife looking at I have no idea Well fuckers, what is my what is she looking at yeah the fucking ceiling she's That's like she's new to the neighborhood. You didn't know better. You can't go to yonkers Yonkers will fucking disappoint every time. Damn it, man. The Westchester is awesome. He goes like this. His stomach's out.

Pull his shirt down. He yelled at me. Pull his shirt down. You should've been like, you're talking about it. No, for a living. Wait, why do all these parents, why do you guys want a picture with Santa

when the kids don't like it? My kids love it. Because you don't know, I don't know if he doesn't like it. My kids love it. Because you don't know, like, I don't know if he doesn't like it. My kid has been saying for two weeks, what Santa got treats? Yeah. Love Santa, watch his Santa Mickey, watch his everything.

When he walked in the room, you don't know, I thought he was just gonna walk up to Santa. My kid's very friendly. He, I thought he'd walk up and be like, what's up? He freaked the fuck out. There was a bad vibe in there. You ever walk into a house, you're like, this ghost in here. That's what I smell.

I just fucking ghost. I don't know. I'm sorry, dude, that's a bad, I hate fucking experiences like that man. Like in restaurants or like just when you feel like you're in the mood for something. And it just fucking ruins it. It just fucking ruins it. Yeah, dude. You shouldn't hire as a fucking, you don't hire young kids who don't give a fuck.

I'm sorry. I know it's cheaper. You don't hire kids to deal with kids. The only people that you work with kids who are adult who fucking deal with kids. Or like 15 year olds that wanna deal with kids. You know, like babysitter types that are like, yeah, I like it.

I like it. I like it. You don't hire, hey kids, you know, like babysitter types that are like, yeah, I like it. Love kids. You don't hire, hey, do you want to, you don't hire the tired fucking dude, you know, and, hey, you want to work, yeah, I'll be an elf. Yeah, sure. Fuck you. I love how he told you to make sure your son's shirt was tucked in, but he was sleeping. You know what I mean, like that's fucking ridiculous. I don't obviously hit his eyes shut.

Let's put it there. When I walk in with my kid. I didn't get a ho ho ho We didn't get a fucking ho ho ho You know kid he didn't go ho ho ho. He was immediately a cunt because my kid was scared you out of anybody Santa fucking claws should be able to deal with the scared kid. You fuck. You fuck. Yeah. You know he's not really Santa Claus. Shut the fuck up, Chris. You don't know that. He looked good, him too.

I was so, when I walked in, I saw him. I was like, this guy looks great. No, no, no. He's an overly good one, but he was like overly. He was too much. What do you mean? He was too much. He was too much fucking shit.

He was just like, come here, come here, come here. He's like, so you're gonna tell your mom and your daddy that my reindeer want to eat something. He's like, but make sure when you get them the carrots, it's got the green in the back. So it's the real car. You had reindeer. You had reindeer. He was kind of like reindeer. He was talking about his reindeer and he was telling my son that don't get mad at me. I'm not saying the closet. No, no, no, no. Now, I've got to get carrots with the green in the back. It was telly when you leave me cookies, make sure you leave my reindeer carrots because my reindeer like you,

but make sure they're not just regular carrots. They gotta have the green in the back. And I was kind of like, probably grows carrots. Yeah. And it's a racket. He holds an organic market. There's your smart chick going off again.

And he's like, do you do, do you clean your room for your mommy and daddy? Do you clean your room? And shit, he was like that. Well, you know you come in your room for your mommy and daddy? Do you clean your room? And she was like that. Well, you know what? Do your parents have an upgraded AT&T board? Exactly. Do your parents have a time share in a room? Because you should ask for one.

Santa won't come if they don't get one. Tell them, tell them Gary. I would have rather took your Santa Claus than mine. I would have taken no Santa Claus in yours. Dude, I just want a guy. This is what I want. You know what I might do? Tell me if I'm wrong. I'm Christmas Eve.

I'm going to buy a Santa outfit. I'm going to dress up like Santa. And I'm going to be Santa for my kid. I like it. I think it's fine. And I'm going to come out. And I'm going to up like Santa, and I'm gonna be Santa from my kid. I like, I think it's fine. And I'm gonna come out, and I'm gonna go, ho ho ho. Or, you know what might even be better though? What? Other than being Santa is eating the cookies

and stuff like showing him evidence. Oh, he'll eat the cookies. I can't, I'm on no sugar no grants. No, no, I'll come over. You're not eating the cookies. But like showing evidence that Santa was there, but keeping like that magic sort of alive. You know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I'm gonna do? That's gonna flip him out. I'm gonna go into his room in the middle of the night. Jesus. She's gonna scare the family. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna go into the room in the middle of the night and give him a kiss and say Santa loves you.

Someone did that to me when I was a kid. It made me think Santa was real So much. Yeah, that he came into my room. I don't know. I don't know what creepy one of my mother's friends did this Weird thing that I'm sure he wasn't told to do it either He came in Santa's got a wet tongue that he kissed me up behind the ear. Santa is a big memory in a kid. Like, you might, my stepfather told me when I was eight that it wasn't real and my mom was mad at him.

He's like, listen, you got to tell him. And my mother was like, what the fuck? She goes, you got it. And he goes, you got it. She goes, he goes, you got to tell him. Come on. I mean, he's eight years old and she just goes, she goes't do it. He just goes. There's no there's no Santa It's not real and I remember just sitting there and I just processed it and it was fucking devastating and I'm telling it now

That's how fucking it was fucking brood dude. What I mean seriously? I was not even like a sentence. He needs to know he doesn't need Yeah, he's like I was like I was just talking about Santa everything. he goes you got to tell you kidding me. Oh dude He's you a fucking excited He's a great dude. He sounds like a fucking great guy Fucking Santa killer That's on the resume great dads No, no he makes chicken soup

Real yeah, he took Santa at least the money away from me, but what are you gonna do? I grew up young, I grew up fast. That's why I am today. That's why fucking sneak is a real important thing. Yeah. What, when he told you that, what happened? I just, I fucking was stunned. Did you cry? I didn't cry, I just, I didn't cry.

Are you sure? I looked at my mom. Sorry if you did. I looked at him and I just remember being really confused and like what? And then like, I just kind of processed it and just walked away and like almost tried to not wanna believe it.

Like part of it was like, ah he's fucking, you know what I mean? Like maybe he's fucking with me, but of course. Okay, so Christmas comes, the presents are under the tree. Some of these fucking assholes got it, it sucks. You know? The greatest Christmas memory I had was I wanted a Mongoose bike and my older brother wanted a 10 speed

and we stayed at my grandmother's house in Yonkers which we did every Christmas even when we were kids because my parents are divorced. Did you go to that Santa and Which Santa the fuck you want I went to in yonkers? No, no, okay, no and My mom was like I really I want to get you the bikes for you and your brother, but I just can't afford it I just can't afford it, but don't worry. You're gonna have a great Christmas and My mom and brother were like my older brother He knew he's five years older. So because I hear bells, I hear bells, but he's gonna pass the house if you don't go to sleep.

So I fucking went to sleep and I woke up and then there was a fucking white mongoose. It was fucking the shit. It was white. It was insane. And my brother had a black 10 speed next to it. And I woke up and like, I don't know, I didn't know what a heart on was then. Wait, you were a heart? But whatever you are, and now I can't come in as there's a bike in there.

Yeah, my fucking baby sponge expanded. And I just fucking, I just, baby sponge. You're right in these down now. You, you're not right in anything, yeah. Of course not. And I just fucking dumb, god, he's dumb. And I just, I just fucking dumb. God is dumb. And I just saw. It's fucking awesome.

It was the greatest. I just saw it. And my mom was like, there was no way I wasn't going to do this for you. I made sure we got it for you. And it was fucking the best. It was one of the best Christmas memories I've ever had. It was awesome. Yeah. It liked it.

But is it, is it? It sticks to you. It does stick to you. It sticks what you do. It does. I like I said, I had, I don't remember it. I remember, I guess one, but I don't know. I was already fucked up at that time.

Do you have any good Christmas memories? I remember wrestling toys, that's it. But did you have, you would see, nice, nice Christmas is my time. So Zach, I mean, you look at you and you'd be like, oh, this kid had a fucked up childhood, but you did, you actually had a good childhood. Yeah, a fucked childhood.

And you're just, that's why I really do like you, man, because you are one of the most unique people I fucking have ever met. I follow you on Instagram. I thought your Instagram was weird. Follow this fuck on Instagram again. Zach is not funny. My God, it's ridiculous.

You have a new one that your painted, your top is painted black. Yeah, what is that? I did a cabaret on Sunday night and I was Ursula from the little mermaid. Oh, yeah. And I did the song from the little mermaid. It was awesome. It was really fun. It was like all circus performers. Yeah, aerialist was fucking really fun. Yeah, you really are out there, dude. You're fucking unique guy and you had a good upbringing. Well, it's not yeah, you're a fucking unique guy. And you had a good upbringing. It's not, you're not this way because you were fucked up, you're this way because you were raised right

and you got to just be who you are. Yeah, my mom was an art teacher and she really pushed being creative. All right, well, I'm not gonna slow down an art from Max. Yeah. I don't want him being Ursula on a Sunday. No offense. Everyone both ways.

My dad's a welder. I'm going to have him just build fences and dommal read. But that's good, man. And what about you? Yeah, good, pretty good childhood. Had some nice, had some Christmas stories. I don't really remember the young ones I remember getting a game cube that was huge but I was already like 12 game cube those were tight yeah wow got a game cube

played maddened my brothers yeah yeah just neglected what about you Deep who yeah kind of like stuff no particular memories but you know when I was young I would get a gift and then no wow yeah what about you, Scopo? Uh, I got told Santa Claus wasn't real early. I was like seven. My brother told me. He's just crushing. I was the dickhead who is.

I was one. My brother told me. He's like, but he didn't tell. My parents didn't know I knew. He's like, oh, these bikes. I got bikes too. He's like, mom and dad got them. And then next year, I kept finding shit in the house

that I got for that Christmas. And I was like, oh, there's fucking no Santa Claus. That's how I found out. Yeah, I was the dickhead kid who was like a skeptic who like, wait a second. You're still that dickhead kid? Yeah, I was just wait up. I was like, no, I'm waiting. I was like, five and I was like, I'm staying by the tree to check when Santa comes in.

My parents were like, no, no, go to sleep. I eventually would pass out. Yeah, because they fucking gave you Benadrill. Yeah, fuck give you Ben a drill. Yeah, fucking party I was yeah, I was totally and I was made their life worse. I had to put the toys together You wonder how it gets down the chimney like yeah, he's coming down. I was like we don't even have a chimney I don't think we know there's no way he's getting it. They's coming in a different way just my parents just put nightquill and fat So it was fucking milk

So I know also I never realized my realized my parents used to wake up early and get the gist my parents would go back to bed. I'd be like, no, let's play with the toy. I didn't realize they were putting them together all night long. And then Fatsos would kind of hit me too. Well, here's a deal. I'm on the flip side of that right now and I'm excited. But I'm a little pissed off because we got the car. It's a deal. I'm on the flip side of that, night now, and I'm excited, but I'm a little pissed off because we got the car.

It's a Kia. It's an awesome Kia. You know, my friend gave me a shigger. I got the flip and we're saying, you got a Kia. You got the, the, the, the, the, the, you know, I'm from my son. It's a 12-volt fucking Kia.

I mean, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm not getting a Kia in life. I remember you were saying you were getting a car. I'm like, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not getting a keyer of life. No, I remember you were saying you were getting caught. I'm like, yes, or right though. Wait, are you from the other side of your son from middle-mediceman?

No, it's an instrument, is that what I'm going on? I got my kid as a keyer soul. But the reason why I got it is because it seats too. And in the back, it has two microphones with speakers. And you can plug your iPhone into it or iPad, whatever. And it plays music through the speakers. And the lights light up to the music. So it's a part, it's called party mode. Oh, that's cool. And you can also put it down to two,

uh, two point five miles an hour. So you can go five or you know, two point five. But with this, I have to put a fucking fence up. You should erase, you should honestly erase that yonkers memory and go and just he'll forget about it and just go to white planes west Chester Maul and redo it But I want I want to do that, but my you know like we were leaving in my wife I don't know. It's just a fight. I don't want you don't celebrate I was getting to it. I'm running the fucking show you if I know you get the version No, but I see you know what to know I thought because you don't know it. I go in my way I saved the best for last I'm not fucking saving scope of a last One time I knew and then I knew forever

I'm not a run-of-show asshole. Let me work it out. I know I know Michelle's got a couple good ones Do celebrate There's like a surprising number of people to think I'm Jewish. Are you big? No, why wolf? No, no no, I didn't think she was Jewish I thought you I thought you Irish actually no, I thought you Irish Irish I Irish Catholic What are you? I'm German. Get out.

No, I'm not. This is Jewish building. Take it over. You tell us to you German? No. So you German, that's it? Yeah, there's like a little bit of Scottish in here. Scottish, yeah.

You have something, yeah. That hair. I'm the only redhead in my family. No shit. Yeah, I'm the only redhead with freckles. My brothers look exactly like my parents both have dark hair. My dad has curly hair. That was the only one that had curly hair.

Do you have any good Christmas memories? I, you know, I loved everything before Christmas. Like I love like, like we would put our Christmas decorations up the damn to Thanksgiving. I loved decorating for Christmas. My room was always super decorated. I put up lights. I used to make snowflakes way too late. I made snowflakes. Like in high school I would like cut out snowflakes. I have a very distinct memory of making snowflakes and then hanging them on, taping them like, putting string and then taping them out of my ceiling and watching the movie Fargo.

Which is like a weird... Makes them like Christmas and murder. And I went decorate. I didn't really like Christmas morning. I was always sort of disappointed, you know, like, like, I don't know, I, I one year my grandpa got me a Barbie house, but then immediately my brother's like destroyed it. They just would like, they'd put the Barbie in the elevator and then like, use it as like a slingshot. Yeah, I don't really have like, my mom and I we make Christmas cookies like We give out cookies to like all the neighbors and friends and stuff like that So for like three days leading up to Christmas. We just big cookies and that that stuff was the fun stuff

I like Christmas. I didn't really like because then it felt like it was over Right, and it was like well, this is the bad thing Christmas Eve is the that's what Christmas Eve is the best. That's why Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best.

Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best.

Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. Christmas Eve is the best. This year I'm having something. Yeah, okay. I'm surviving. I appreciate that man.

Are you having a Christmas thing? Christmas Eve thing? Oh yeah. You're doing something? Christmas Eve is usually always at my house or my mom's or something. Yeah, all right. Well, we're doing something this year

if you want to stop by. Oh, that's nice of you man. You do some fishes or no? What's that? The fishes, the seven fishes. The Italian thing. If this mic's, if this mic's, no, it's not so expansive. That's a fucking real thing. I know this mic, if this mic, no, it's not that expensive.

It's a fucking real thing. I know it is, but I might, me and my wife, I'm fucking, we're not waps from the north end. No, we're going to seven fishes on fucking Christmas. I got fucking squad, card, attic, and fucking, I got tuna. Lobs is in there. Listen, first of all, no, we're not doing the seven feet.

We're doing no derves. We're doing a fucking Shaqouda replay. Maybe some little snacky pose, and then there you go. Loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin' loftin'in loftin I'm not fucking doing that. Why you do seven fishes? Every Christmas. Every Christmas. You don't, if mother does. No, my aunt's, he's been my grandma, and my grandma passed away, and then my aunt doesn't know.

Yeah, but there's gonna be a time in your life where you're gonna have to have your own traditions. And right now, this is a weird thing, is that we don't go home, I told my wife three years ago, we're not going back to Boston, and going to my mother's, and your parents, we're not going back to Boston and going to my mother's and your parents, we're not.

We have to have our own tradition. I'm done. I'm done fucking going to other somebody else's house and doing their thing. We're waking up Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day in our house with our fucking tree, with our traditions. We gotta talk about trees, we didn't talk about trees yet.

We gotta fucking 15 minutes. I'm gonna talk about trees and We've got to talk about trees. We didn't talk about trees yet. We've got fucking 15 minutes. I'm going to talk about trees. And I'm also going to talk about traditions. Because my wife's fucking stink your tradition. She's young on me. I just just just got to talk about trees. Well, all right, we'll talk about trees. But traditions, now that we're making our own,

she's bringing her traditions in and Okay, here's your traditions that's bugging me Okay, I don't mind the gift the one gifted. I don't like the gift at night I don't like the Christmas Eve gift you open the presents with Santa comps. I got to disagree. Okay Just one Boiling Just one. No, no, no. Just one. Just one. No, not like the good one though, to do the Christmas E-Won. It's like Christmas pajamas or something. Yeah, that's what I mean. We always do one.

That's not a big one. A DVD you wanted, a book you wanted. But go ahead. Like I said, I don't mind that one. I don't like it, but I don't mind it. Okay. So I'm with you. Yeah, you can do a pajamas or whatever, right?

I like it. Okay, but this is the one I don't like, Paul. You ready? Yeah. This is what I don't fucking like. Go ahead. Our gifts, the gifts from mommy and daddy, are wrapped. The gifts from Santa are not wrapped. Oh, bullshit.

I don't like that. Gotta be wrapped. No. Different wrapping paper. Different wrapping paper. No, not different wrapping paper. They're not, Santa, apparently, at the North Pole, Santa doesn't wrap gifts. It's crazy, of course.

I didn't buy gifts for a my guess for a wrap what? In the real show, but in the real world in a real life Stop Paul just said in real life Santa Still working through that step that No, but my question is's stepping on you sneaker. No, I'm not. I'm going to chair. Oh, God.

I wasn't so happy about that. I was too black-minded. Somebody call Yannis quick. Michelle stepped on you sneaker with her fucking dead guy, Dick Shoe. No, it's a Santa like in the original like movies and shit does he? I feel like their presence are just out with a bow on that. Okay, you might be right. Well, that's where she's getting it from, is that they, when they, when they,

when they, Santa and the elves don't wrap, they just throw them on the back. No, that's right, because remember in the movie, you see, you remember when the kid at a skateboard and Santa says, look in the bag and it was literally, no, it was a skateboard a bow. Yeah, so yeah, okay. Okay, but for, okay, let in Santa says look in the bag and it was literally no it was a skateboard a ball Yeah, so you okay, okay, but okay, let's take the story the original story is from Iceland I believe with Santa somewhere comes from and the bag the bag I'm like no he's from like turkey. Oh, where were the fuck is from he's not from here Not from the North Pole the original

Fairy tale my question is this. The original, fair, hang up. The original fairy tale, the bag, shut the fuck up. The original, let me get this out, because it's a fact that's not fact. I don't know. But I think it's a fact.

You know the new harm over the itself right now? Crampus. That story is a story about the other part of the crampus. The bag with the toys, Santa never had a bag crampus the evil fucking demon Santa will had the bag to hold the little kids in so that's where the fucking now i think that i heard the story of st. Nick is the guy he goes into his houses and gives a gift when he had the bag there's a lot of st. Nick started in greek some is god are you listening well christok you said crampus the best crampus is the bag that's the story of St. Nick and crampus okay

They left the crampus part out for the kids, but there's the other part that they have to the fable Okay, that they leave but we leave out because we're fuck Jesus walks and we we just make the story nice for us, okay? Crampus had the bag Santa and the original story didn't have a bag of toys. Crampus had the bag to take the kids away. That's what he used the bag for. Again, not fact. I got a... I think it's fact.

I got a research that. He greased it's a St. Basil, St. Bill. Of course it is. But, you know, fucking fat country. Just add a fucking fucking easy all right listen I agree my mother's pretty good whatever listen

um... I say I say rap though because it's fun to watch the kid on rap him it's well I don't know you got a rat that a lot of gifts I'm fighting with my wife about this it's like Baba grab I mean come on let's rap the gifts you gonna walk out he's not gonna be surprised he's gonna see that he's gonna see that, he's gonna see the truck, he's gonna, what the fuck, she's a nice compromise you could do.

What? Divorce my wife? No, no. Fuck it, hang, and marry Michelle, she'll never be there. She'll only show up fucking four days before Christmas and then leave. Do whatever I want. No, you could have all the, you could have the ones

that you and your wife by wrapped, and then all the ones from Santa could be in like Santa's bag Would it close you could open a bag and take shit out? Ooh, ooh! Good thing. Now I gotta go bit a fucking big rag bag. Yeah, but that's what you want. Oh, actually, it's be happy with a compromise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're like, you have to like, you'd be more upset about having to buy a bag. Honey, this is not Germany, this is America. You can have what you want, okay? That's the dream I'm trying to live. You'd be more upset about having to buy a bag. Honey, this is not Germany, this is America. And you can have what you want. I'm like, okay, that's the dream I'm trying to live. Right, Zach? Absolutely, Bobby.

All right, so the tree, go to the tree. You go, you go, you go, you go real. I go real, but here's the deal. I really fake. Yeah, some people go fake for years. And once I heard once you go fake, it's just so weird. You don't go back, you don't go back to be there. No, yeah, but I think now with kids,

I gotta get the fresh cut. I gotta get it. You gotta get a real one for a go back to me. Yeah, but I think now with kids I got to get the fresh cut I got to get it. You got to get a real one for a little while. You got it the smell I think yeah, we smell and they cut it in the tree and walking through all the trees We a little kid and the wife won't have it like I remember that I remember going White will absolutely refuse this fake she does you want to talk about the shit you didn't my wife day after Chris I mean day after Thanksgiving it's over the lights.'s a lights. I got nut crackers all over my fucking house. I got nut crackers everywhere. She's got lights everywhere.

It's a fucking ornaments. I go to the attic boxes and boxes. And my fucking house looks like the North Pole. I was on my roof last year. She did the same, she was gonna do that because we just got the house. Your wife does that too. Yeah, because we were in New York in 47th Street in 9th of years. We didn't do lights or anything.

We had a little tiny baby tree. But now that we got to house last year, I put a fucking stop to that. I'm hanging off a roof about to have a heart attack. Trying to hang fucking icicle lights. I go, I'm gonna fucking die for lights, honey. Is that what you want? You want me dead?

You want me dead? I went to Walgreens, I bought bush lights. Yeah, the icicle lights are all wrapped up. You gotta fucking try to pull them down. It's brutally. Yeah, so we do, we do, like, fucked up too. I got yellow lights. She likes the white lights, but I got a couple yellow.

Yellow lights. So my- I like color, but not yellow. Nah, they did, I did yellow, white, and then yellow. Like, I'm excited about the front of my mouth. Show you, it's a little fucked up. One year, I want to do the Christmas vacation thing. I want to fucking the whole house outline white

I want white everything. I want a fucking spectacle. I want people stopping and getting out of their fucking cars Taking pictures and I'm gonna tell my kids that's what daddy just did First of all eight people live where you live. Yeah, you're a stopping by your house. You live in the fucking woods I'm gonna have 18 deer out there You know, it's gonna stop by the government because you're gonna fucking be glowing. What the fuck is that? Is that a spaceship? Like a plane?

Dude. We're talking about the tree. You gotta go real. You gotta go real. I, fake is just... At least when a kid's a young, you gotta go real. Fake is just stupid. Real...

I like to fake dude because you could have it up for a really long time. And you said, if you feed it, you just gotta keep watering it and putting the stuff in there, there's some stuff you can put in there. I love the real tree, it smells great,

but you gotta make sure you get a fallen tree. You can't get these trees that are up because they trick you. You go in, you look, oh, that's a good tree, and then you get home, and the backside of my tree is fucking bare. That happened one time. That's the worst.

My family had that. The tree was so fucked up, it fell over. It would keep falling over as we left the house during the day. But worst. Fucking unbelievable. The backside of my tree is a fucking nightmare. Oh, you put it in the corner.

Yeah, we had to put it in the corner. But I would drive him by a nursery and there's beautiful, perfect trees. And I go, let's stop there. She goes, it's probably too expensive. I go, what? 10 more dollars to make Christmas, 20 more dollars to make Christmas to have a perfect tree at the perfect place.

You're gonna take me to a farm. Probably these eyes are lighting up. I'm so mad, dude. Wait, you didn't want to cut it down yourself? Oh, I'm a lumbajacking. I don't cut mine down. We used to cut ours down, down. Yeah, I just tell it Where put it on the fucking hood you go with fucking like versey lifts up there and yeah you go and you cut it down

It's the whole day of thing like you're killing something You don't want to get you look for anyway. Yeah, but I want them to kill it No, but they like my cop is like my fucking meat. Yeah, it's like hunting a deer Like that dude. I'm not gonna cut a tree down. I feel like I'm fucking up earth Well you are They plant one and you what was they again you keep saying that people yeah All right, well listen this has been a fantastic fucking show This is it is coming out after New Year's.

This is the Monday after New Year's. So I want to say happy New Year's to everybody. All you guys, listen in, we're gonna go around the room right now and we're gonna plug everything and make sure that you support all these people. Let's go to Zach, what do you got, buddy? Follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Zach is not funny. And listen to me every week on Friday,

on the Real Ass podcast with the Real-Ass Dude, Luis J. Gomez, Chris Scopo, Chris Tancel, and we're on our new network, Gas Digital. We left it in the New York Times. What is that? Why did you leave Stand-Up Labs? Creative differences. Yeah, that's a good way to go.

What the fuck is that? Come on, son. Be used. Some of the things they wanted us to, they wanted us to sign a long contract. Right. We're just gonna do the show there and they wanted, I think, too much ownership of what we were gonna do. They own your stuff.

And we weren't gonna be able to monetize the show at all. Really? And so Lewis and Ralph Sutton created their own network. Where is the studio at Ralph's place? It's nice, it's really nice. No, I know it's nice. Ralph's place is so nice as elevated. No, I'm not laughing at that his

apartment's awesome, but I'm laughing that you made it sound like a fucking lounge in the 40s like Ralph's place. So yeah, Ralph's a good guy. Yeah, and it's really cool. So you started you started a network with Ralph. Yeah, it's called gas digital. Why gas digital? Go ahead and Sutton because they're not creative people. What happened? What happened to a big J in Sex and digital go ahead and something because they're not creative people what happened What happened to a big J and sex and drugs and rock and roll that's on the network as well So what are the what are the networks? It's our show real. Let's podcast Yeah, it's part of the problem right and J and Ralph show sex drugs and rock and roll and we're talking to more shows now Trying to see some like mid-size podcasts with you know not you have. Right, no, but I know you started a network. I started it, man, I started from fucking very small.

And then it's big now, so good luck with that. We got the chat, what's in the chat, baby? Ooh, the latest thing is, pot 420 says, Zach killed during his last roast battle with Karen Fihint. Really? I murdered. Murdered? I fucked. You love him, comic say that shit. I'm gonna come with you like I fucking, I fucking is just so like I'm not confident and The happiest I've ever made black people They were yelling body bag. It was really where was the roast battle?

It's a long. Oh, it was it was amazing. All right. What else you got? Through your tears says in Chicago houses with trees get robs during the day says in Chicago houses with trees get rubs during the day. Yeah, homelone. Yeah. What do you got, Stavros? Please follow my erotic Instagram account at Stavvy Baby, STA VVY baby, some great holiday content is up there, probably now.

And also I'll be with Bobby at Mohigan's son, the 14th through the 16th. And then maybe some other juicy gigs if Bobby wants to help out a poor I told you look at my calendar baby don't look it up and I'll email you I have to know the sketches we'll talk about later. I'm reading them tonight. Okay. I had to read another script today I read a very funny script today, and I was writing my own shit, but I'm gonna read them tonight Yeah, dude anything I wish you came to Tampa, dude. It was fucking blast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Versi, what do you got, baby? You can go to my Twitter at Paul Verzi, that's VIRZI. Everybody always fucks it up. New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. Me, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartonick, and Bill Burr will be at the Orphium doing two shows on New Year's Eve in California.

And what else is going on? I got, I'm doing something in Pekipsy January 30th. Check my website Paul Verzi.com It has dates being added for 2016 and obviously my podcast the Verzi effect which just hit five years and Is doing great. So thank you. I fucking years. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's great. All right. What do you got Michelle? Thanks for coming on. Hey, thank you. I mean, I had a great time good man. Uh, Twitter and Instagram at Michelle is a wolf. I would love it It was dead dead dick Michelle cuts dead dick Spongebob All those are being taken right now. What is it? At Michelle's a wolf, Twitter and Instagram,

and then you can watch my web series on Comedy Central now hiring. And then Dan Soder and I will have a web series coming out in January on Comedy Central as well. I'm so mad. I'm so mad about that. I know, I'm so mad. Don't fuck me in.

Yeah, don't worry. I think Come on Yeah, I'm fucking juicy part. I was in Canada And I literally I was like I told I told I go look I got I'd rather I want to do this Let's just make it happen. I recently were gonna move on Mugu B's or something I was like do it whatever and then they'll like know on Mugu-Bee or something. I was like, do it, whatever. And then they were like, no, you have to do it, something like, fuck you, Sunday.

I was like, I literally can't do it. I would have to, I need a fucking time machine. Even if I was like, fuck it, let's go and book the ticket, I wouldn't have made it. Just because of the times of this. I love how awkward this is making you. You're just like, okay. I know, we really wanted Bobby.

I mean, I know. I got Nick T nick the Apollo better Bobby All right, well there you go check that out. I'm sure it's hilarious and thanks for coming on. Yeah, let's give me another chat Bunch of random topics people were talking about Tina Feyn Howard Stern yesterday a little bit controversy there Yeah, I don't want to talk that. Fucking now. Where are these? No, it's too late. Fuck that. Someone else says when Paul lowers his voice,

he gets serious like Tarantino. He says the N word. Oh, when they step on his shoes. What do you got, man? Get me that ad chris gopo on Twitter, and I'll read your dates. What do you got, T-Poo? At R2 D-Poo across the board.

Great. Who's going to Star Wars? I've never seen Star Wars. Oh yeah, I'm going. Something wrong with you. You're a fucking robot. I'm going. She's just one of those girls that is going to be, I'm telling you, she's going to

fucking own the business and fucking five years. You literally going to have to go to her to network and she's going, hey, how you doing? You're like, remember me? I was on the... Oh, you. Give me one sec. We're all fucking playing fucking games and buying our kids shit. She's out there just working with Dan Soda.

What do you got? Okay, so your dates. Next week will be the eighth and ninth. Your bananas and Hasbrook Heights. Yep well one of my favorite clubs in the world I love clubs like this. It's it's just in the hotel It's been there for years the people that own it a sweetest hell the people that worked there are awesome and it's Fucking insane. I love it. Some of the best shows I've ever had are there low ceilings a little trisket of a stage and It's a trisket. Iilings, a little trisket of a stage and it's I love a little trisket. I don't need a lot of, I just want a little trisket. I

want to be right in the middle of these fucking cock suckers and I want to hit it and this club is one of my favorites. So Jersey spread the word, bring friends, buy your tickets now for the love of fuck Stop doing walk-ups What fucking here? Can you push on Twitter because you cocksack as a lazy go the website buy the tickets It's what 19 bucks 15 bucks 20 bucks look for a code. I'm sure there's a group on whatever get your tickets buy 20 bring your friends It's have some fun bananas. What date? There is a trisket stage Then that's the eighth and ninth your bananas and then the 14 to 16. They were your comics

Yeah, moving in son January 21st 22nd 23rd 24th you had off the whole comic book I check it out you guys are the best fans of the world go to my website check it on my stuff Facebook like my Facebook page So you'll know when I'm doing stuff because if you go to the fan page Robert Kelly comedian like it. I'll send you stuff I'm putting up a new mailing list that's coming out that I did the first thing it I Did this weekend in Tampa my new mailing list photos all that shit It's kind of a little thing I hooked up with an Ipad pro and a fucking selfie stick and a phone and blah blah blah. So it's kind of cool.

You'll get those photos all you Tampa people. You should have them already. And then make sure you go to the YouTube page and do we have to do an ad for this? Yeah, we enjoyed the end. Okay, we'll do it at the end. Make sure you go to our YouTube page and subscribe and read thumbs up it, right? Yeah. Yeah, unbelievable. You guys are the best. Happy new year. I hope you had a safe one. Be good and we'll talk to you later. Bye bye. You've been listening to YKWD Podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.

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