Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Yankee Swap Live 2024 | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #26

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's up everybody welcome to the regs live Yankee swap at the Grammys in New York fucking city Joe List aka the truth Dan Soda aka corporate Dan and Lewis Jake Omes aka the rattle snake and I'm Robert Kelly the dude what's happening motherfuckers holy shit Merry Christmas to everyone including the Jews in the crowd especially the Jews what a clusterfuck of a beginning guys you have no idea how much crazy shit was going on backstage I will let you know right now the Gramercy Theatre hates our guts. Specifically Lewis. And they'll let us know right now we didn't sell out.

Starting point is 00:01:08 She goes, yeah, do they truly? She goes, we're gonna start at 8-10, and Lewis goes, who says we? Who's gonna start at 8-10? The theater. No, she said we have to start directly at 8, and then I was like, let's start at 8-10. Give them a couple minutes.

Starting point is 00:01:21 No, no, she came in, she goes, we're gonna start at 8, right? And me, you, and him just went, OK. And Lewis is like, what the fuck is she telling us? We just had a discussion about how we're going to You think you're fair? You get to put your fucking foot down? We spent 10 minutes discussing how we're going to have an 808 start.

Starting point is 00:01:36 Everyone agreed, 808. And then this fucking chick comes in, and she's like, 8 o'clock, right? And they were like, OK, whatever you want, miss. To a woman, you pussies! Listen, you are the foot putter downer for us. I did, and then I put my foot down, and then they let us start at 8.05 at the latest. But also, the reason you start late

Starting point is 00:01:55 is because the people are lined up in the streets trying to get in. They were like, 100% of the people are here. So we were like, why don't we start at 7.55? Yeah, but they don't know how desperate is it to start exactly at 8 o'clock we could have started at 710 that or we're like doing coke and fucking groupies which we weren't doing either it's 808 now we should be starting right now I'm pissed and the reason I want to do 808 because it spells Bob on a digital clock that

Starting point is 00:02:24 was the real reason you wanted to do that. Yeah, I thought it was some sort of special Nazi number. Oh Lewis took his own green room Wow, here's the bomb bandana All right. I just want to bring it up I didn't know until right before we went on stage that Lewis put up a sign on a door that said Lewis's green room And that bombed. All right. I did. And that bombed? All right. I was just a subject change.

Starting point is 00:02:47 It wasn't a joke. You know, I can't hear you because there's no monitor on stage and it's just fucking echoing. Yes, I can't hear what you guys are saying. Excuse me, Miss Who Hates Us, is there any way to get the monitors to work on the stage or is that not... No, it's not going to happen. Okay, thank you very much.

Starting point is 00:03:02 Why does this female bouncer want to fight me what is happening? I feel the real will they won't they out of the two of them. We should be like, yeah, what are you doing? What are you doing? Why so it away about a turn? We should have just done two shows at the pussycats lounge and we would have been fine. We would have made what is he no Have on you? What? I said, what does Gnome have on you?

Starting point is 00:03:29 Why is your upper cheekbone quivering right now? I don't know. Are you all right? If you have a stroke, you'll- What a way to go out. If you have a stroke, you'll get a show on Netflix. Nothing? Jamie Foxx, did you see it?

Starting point is 00:03:43 Fuck, it stinks. That's how you get on Netflix now. Oh no. What are you guys flirting about? Yeah, what are you guys fucking whispering about? Lewis is cramping. He's worked out too much. He didn't eat a fucking banana. Despite being a fucking ape, he can't hold his microphone.

Starting point is 00:03:55 You have a cramp? Because you did fucking push-ups downstairs before a fucking comedy show? Both of my forms are cramping up right now from being so badass and real ass. What a Christmas miracle. Take his phone. Try some shit in there. They can't. Chat GPT.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Listen. Are you alright? Yeah, it's fine. He'll come back. Look at his phone, how dangerous this is. What? Thank you. Well, I am very excited to be here, and obviously, we're just kidding.

Starting point is 00:04:23 We love the Gramercy Theater. I love you, miss, just so you know. What the fuck? She's literally ignoring me looking at her phone going, okay, you fucking faggot. It's fine. It's fine. This is my last time I'll ever come to the Grand Mercy Theatre. Yeah, they know that. They're putting up the poster right now, not allowed in, in your picture. First time, last time folks.. This is it, guys.

Starting point is 00:04:45 We're gonna boycott the Gramercy here. This is not your first time. Lewis opened for Nate Bargatze's special taping here 10 years ago, but doesn't remember it. Who the fuck is Nate Bargatze? He's the clean king of comedy. The clean? Yeah, well, anyway, I'm very excited to be here.

Starting point is 00:05:02 You're such a fucking child. Did you open a candy can? Yeah. Christmas is about such a fucking child. Did you open a candy can? Yeah. Christmas is about following your inner child. You really are fucking vanilla Dan. No, I have wonderment. Let me get a suck. Get out of here.

Starting point is 00:05:15 Come on, let me get a suck. Oh. Oh. Wow, that's fucking good. Right? Will you open that for me with your little hands? I don't have a little. I know that these monitors work. There's no way.

Starting point is 00:05:28 It's impossible that these giant speakers don't work. Maybe if you ask the sound guy nicely, he'll turn the monitors on. Hey, fuckface. No! The sound guy can do the funniest thing right now and cut his mic off. Turn the fucking monitors on, obviously. Louis is the friend that when he walks away, you have to explain him to other people.

Starting point is 00:05:48 I know he's like saying that, but he's a good dude. He's like a good dad. The important thing is you can hear what we're saying. They can, okay, good. I don't need to hear anymore of Dan's horse shit. That is true. Dan, did you hear what I said? Fuck you. Oh. What is this out in front? Yeah, what is that? What is that? What if it's a naked

Starting point is 00:06:11 picture of Bobby? He just doesn't know? Dude, I was asleep and Danny took a picture. It's the mosaic. Oh yeah, it's the reg side. Oh wow. Are we giving that away? I hope. No, are you out of your fucking mind? I paid for that. It's got a gift tag on it. You want it? This guy's loudly like, please fucking give it to me. Son of a bitch. So here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:06:31 Apparently there's been drama at the Gramercy all day around this show, right? That's what I heard. Yeah. They don't like us. What do you mean there's been drama? I haven't heard anything about the fuck. So apparently there was what has been described to me

Starting point is 00:06:45 as a crazy woman standing out in front of the Gramercy Theater since 4 p.m. waiting to get in the show. Lewis fan. Definitely a Lewis fan. Is there a crazy woman? My fan is that middle-aged woman right there. Yeah. Hey, Melissa. Is that Melissa?

Starting point is 00:07:02 That's fucking Melissa, right? You're Melissa? Yeah, I made her the family. Oh, shit. And then her husband looks just like me. Weird. Is that Melissa? That's fucking Melissa right there. You're Melissa? Yeah I made her those damn hair. I'm Melissa. And now her husband looks just like me. Weird. Bobby you think you look like that guy?

Starting point is 00:07:11 Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't look like that guy? You don't look like that guy. I can't believe I'm saying this. You're way better looking than that guy. Thank you Joe. You're both better looking and fatter somehow. It hurts when you say it. This is why God gives you cramps. Joe you're both better looking and fatter somehow

Starting point is 00:07:30 This is what God gives you cramps so they're waiting to get fat again Who is the crazy woman that was here at four o'clock is she in the crowd right now? No, we're gonna bring her up Fall down from the stairs in the balcony. No one's at the balcony. Alright, here's the deal. There was a little kid walking by. That was so fast. There was a little kid walking by with her mom out front. Apparently bumped into this woman. Bobby, I couldn't hear you when there was nothing in your mouth.

Starting point is 00:07:56 That's my tooth. Bumped into this woman. No, not just lightly. A child. A child. Eight-year-old child. She ran up to the child and pushed the child in front of the mom. It sounds like a real ass chick to me.

Starting point is 00:08:14 Lewis, definitely a fan. So what I'm hearing is the perfect woman is in the crowd. Lewis goes, what would you do if a child lightly touched you? Push him? That's correct. So yeah, apparently this has been all day, is them fucking dealing with psychotic fans and... Is she here? I think she's here, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Are you here? There's only one person that pushed a child today. If you're a woman and you pushed a child today... If you were pushing kids, make some noise! B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b She might not want to admit to assaulting a child in front of a crowd, possibly. Yeah, that was me. I fought that kid. That is a wild thing, like she would say yes. That is crazy. If somebody pushed my child, I would marry her. I would... I need a little bit of structure in his life at this point. You go, James, say sorry, mom.

Starting point is 00:09:27 Is Shane here? Oops. If he was here, this would be sold out. Yeah, rumors of him would sell this out. You should have spread that rumor. Dude, we sold out almost the entire floor here. Relax. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah, almost I'm on to a new one fucking leave me alone

Starting point is 00:09:58 Join myself and they found the murderer You what they found the murderer they did they don't they don't excited you were, Joe, because that episode is premiering right now on YouTube. No, it came out this afternoon, didn't it? No, it came out at 7 o'clock. They called you Dr. Pepper. He's saying it came out this afternoon. 7 o'clock it came out. I know a time it comes out. I put it out, cocksuckers.

Starting point is 00:10:18 You guys, it comes out. You're going to get an intern murdered, OK? This is easily my favorite segment I've ever done on a live podcast Called no the new episode is out. No, it's not Well, these are really I fucking put it up this guy's like I listen to it. They saying they listen to it They called you dr. Pepper. He's using terms from the show It's out. He's a loser. He watched it while he sat here waiting for us to come out. Don't tell me, Paco, what time does the episode come out? Oh, it's the lady who hates me. Never mind. She doesn't know either.

Starting point is 00:10:54 She just went. Did she give you the finger? No, she fucking hates me though. No, she does. Look at, he's listening to it right there. Why is the icon? You know what to do. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, She does look at he's listening to it right there Audio never mind I stand corrected All right. Well, sir. I stand corrected That is so funny if you went to a live podcast and then listen to a recorded episode during the live podcast He's like, hey, I'm watching you guys and I'm listed. Yeah, they did catch the CEO and He's like, hey, I'm watching you guys and I'm listening. Yeah, they did catch the guy who killed that CEO. And yeah, he was handsome, had great abs, and that's that. How jealous of his body were you?

Starting point is 00:11:32 How jealous of his body? Oh, dude, if I could be that lean, I wouldn't even be on the show anymore. I'd kill a CEO. If I could get abs like that, I would put a bullet in a fucking CEO right now. Are you kidding me? What if I told you to my new ad program is called?

Starting point is 00:11:47 Murder abs I gotta go He's hot Yeah, I think he's a big jerk What the guy that shot a man dead in the streets? Oh fucking pack it up your ass You know what type of gun he had? He got that 3D gun. 3D is called a ghost gun. You print it on a digital printer. I've heard that. You can make it at your house. That's why it clogs so much or jammed up.

Starting point is 00:12:18 You know he had a back surgery and they think that maybe the back surgery is why he went fucking mental. It's time for facts with Bobby. Facts. I mean Bobby really turned into the little kid from Jerry Maguire out of nowhere. He's like you know that the backpack could hold up to $50,000 worth of money? Did you know that he was the valedictorian of his private school? One of my favorite characters in the movie, so fuck you. Yeah, dude, shout out Big Heads. The human head weighs eight pounds, except for Dan's. That's 14 pounds. Yeah. That's why Trish has a limp.

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Starting point is 00:14:09 You guys support the murderer these fuck we got to Wing I don't support you don't know I don't what the murderer you support a guy just murdering somebody Yeah, that was the coolest shit in the world Fuck you, you hippies. The hippies... Wait, so you're gonna suck the dick of a CEO? Yeah, because I have insurance. I love the teacher. He's not a CEO, he's a murder victim. You forgot homework on Friday, Mr. Teacher.

Starting point is 00:14:41 Put it up, put it up, put it up, put it up. Dan, not supporting a murderer doesn't mean you're supporting the teacher. Yeah, it is At what point are you two? I'm pro hot assassin If you're an ugo fucking dude go to therapy You support him because he's smoking hot. Yeah, dude. I bet he peeled his shirt off like this after he did it. Oh Fuck he smiled at a lady that lady's beef curtains are raw right now. I can't believe you guys are pro-CEO. We're not pro-CEO. We're pro not murdering fucking people.

Starting point is 00:15:17 Eh, whatever, man. The robots are coming. Let's fucking kill each other. Also, that kid was fucking... He was from a multimillionaireaire family went to billion billionaire family he was an elitist condoms I love he was crazy I love it metal in his back is what made him go insane because the actual metal they used it's time for fact attack with Bobby Kelly one more fact I'm sure you're telling me he was Wolverine they used they used murder metal on him.

Starting point is 00:15:46 They what? Damn it, this one had monitors. I couldn't hear that. I can't hear anything. I haven't heard a single word anybody else on the show has said. I'm surprised it's going as well as it's going. Four deaf guys talking, like, you want to go ahead? That's going to be the next big podcast.

Starting point is 00:16:05 They go, oh, whatever, whatever. I didn't catch any of that. Isn't that... Oh, my god. That's so close to retarded voice. Dog. They're cousins. Whoa. What am I supposed to say? Who said whoa?

Starting point is 00:16:24 Whoa. The lady that fought a kid. Whoa! Whoa, too far. Oh! Fucking up a child that is excited with Christmas wonder is one thing. Can you imagine that kid? He's like, I don't like Christmas. When I was eight years old a lady fucking shoved me on the street. And she cucked my mom right in front of me. Dude, that kid shouldn't listen to his parents after that. He's like, you didn't stick up for me. I have to listen like this.

Starting point is 00:16:53 It's very difficult. What? I'm like Vinnie Brand. What? That's a really inside reference. You wanna do a prank phone call? I mean, I'm not trying to be a dick. I was trying to be a dick before, miss,

Starting point is 00:17:07 but can we maybe make the monitors work? Is it possible? Well, there's no monitors here. What'd you say? There you go. Fucking monitors. Yeah, I hear you, sir. Security, can you remove this person right now?

Starting point is 00:17:17 Soon the whole stage will hear you. How come I can hear him clearly? It was crazy. It was crazy. Time for reeds. I can hear him clearly, it's not you. It was crazy. Time for reeds. That was a retard voice. That was a retard voice. Do it again.

Starting point is 00:17:32 Retard voice is this. Time for reeds. What's the deaf voice? Time for reeds. I think. Bombed him? I just assumed you bombed. I don't know what they said but... So we got a great show for you tonight, we got a bunch of shit happening.

Starting point is 00:17:52 Who's been to Yankee Swap before? Live. We only did it once. We never did it live. We did it once, we're European tourists. The only time we've ever done this show live, it fucking sucked, because the seller put us at the Fat Black, and all these fucking Scandinavians were looking at us like dickheads.

Starting point is 00:18:12 And then- Lewis at one point went, we had Shane and Louis CK. They didn't know who Louis was in Santa. This is like right after his fucking crazy shit. We had Louis CK, Shane, and they still- Crazy shit's a funny way to put it what he was being a Tomcat it's so funny right after he was doing his thing his thing they didn't know who

Starting point is 00:18:43 he was because he was in costume. Yep. Well, I mean, it wasn't a fucking... Dude, it was a Hiroshima. It was the worst Yankee swap we ever did. And one time a hooker tried to fight Lewis. That was the best one. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:00 Well, it was my mom, so... Didn't we have a transsexual on one year too? Yeah. Transsexual? For a lap dance? Nobody calls them transsexuals. Trans, yeah. That's what you call them, transsexuals.

Starting point is 00:19:11 The trans. Yeah, what are you wearing, a wire? Is a transsexual person? I did get nervous, I was like, transsexual. It was fucking wild. Transsexual. It's like one of our parents walked in the room and he go, uh, transsexual. What was the first year of the Yankee Swab?

Starting point is 00:19:31 89. Yeah, that was back in the small, when we had that little piece of the studio. When we did it. 2012, you think? 2012 or something like that. Sir, you have all the information about our show. What was our first Yankee swap? 2012, thank you very much. Oh shit, Bobby, I thought you were sitting in the crowd just now.

Starting point is 00:19:49 I got a little confused. Wow, nevermind. Can you please stand up, sir, and turn around? He looks nothing like you, dude. Stand up. He doesn't want to get the fuck up. That doesn't, look at me. Look at me.

Starting point is 00:19:58 Turn around, sir. The first of all, the whole crowd looks like me. It's all bald guys with beards. It's a bunch of middle-aged assholes with no women. That guy looks more like you than that guy. Should we do it? You guys know how the look-alike contests are big right now? Should we do a Bobby look-alike contest?

Starting point is 00:20:17 Yes. I love it. You, you, you, take your hat off, sir, real quick. Yeah, it sounds, got you. Is that a little bit, Lewis, is that a little bit better with real quick. Yeah, it sounds, got you. Is that a little bit, Lewis, is that a little bit better with the monitors? They're trying to juice them up.

Starting point is 00:20:28 Can you hear better? Oh yes, that is better actually. Thank you, future Mrs. Gomez. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. The whole staff's down there, they're so supportive. Give it up for the Gramercy staff.

Starting point is 00:20:40 Guys, give it up for the Gramercy staff. Letting us half fill this theater on a Wednesday night. That's more of a Big J look-alike. You look like Big J, not Bobby. No. Yeah, right? I think we have time for this. We gotta get the Santas looking. Here's the problem with look-alikes.

Starting point is 00:20:57 You can get real offended real quick if you don't think you look like the person. We had an entire show planned, guys. You can't just throw a look-alike contest in the middle of it. Yeah. We got some Santas waiting. We got Santa's, we got Yankee Squats. Sorry I'm a fan of the dog. Bobby's wandering.

Starting point is 00:21:12 Bobby's leaving. Bobby? Yes. How you doing? It's good to finally see you. Is that better you clear? I missed you. That's the flirt section.

Starting point is 00:21:31 They pay extra. It's like a Matt Rife show. Oh, that's crazy. You a grandma? Can you nip? You still can't hear me? When I said it was better, I was lying. I don't know why I said it was better I was lying.

Starting point is 00:21:46 I don't know why I said it was better. It's part of the fun. We just gotta feel our way. It's like the Grateful Dead, man. We don't know where it's going. It's not like we listen to each other anyways. No. We are all just waiting to get our next turn to speak. Let's get some Santas out here.

Starting point is 00:22:02 You wanna do the Santa thing? We got to. Are you guys ready to? We made a schedule. Here's the deal. We're gonna have each one of us brought our own Santa. They're gonna come out one at a time and do their little thing,

Starting point is 00:22:15 and at the end, you're gonna choose who you think is the best Santa, and that Santa is gonna be on the Yankee Swap with us. The other ones have to beat it, and he's gonna pass out the presents. So it's gonna be on the Yankee Swap with us. The other ones have to beat it, and he's gonna pass out the presents. So it's gonna be up to you. Okay, Lewis, you ready? Okay, you guys ready?

Starting point is 00:22:37 Here we go. All right. Well, Joe introduce your own Santa. All right, this is my Santa. This is my fifth choice for my Santa. I tried Stavros, he was in LA, and said also he wouldn't do it even if he was available. That I tried H. Foley, he was out.

Starting point is 00:22:58 I tried Karen Fiehen to be like a sexy lady Santa. You're like, do you know anyone Karen? Yeah. She was out I tried two other guys that you've never even heard of but finally I landed on Jew Santa ladies and gentlemen Ronan Santa Hirshberg. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and kill Tony and it's great to be here. You're an assassin. But I got it, I got it, I'm already, it's hard to do this. Joe asked me if I wanted to roast them. I'm already stressed out because of Christmas.

Starting point is 00:23:56 I have to go down all these chimneys and you know, we Jews, we're more used to going up chimneys and talking about the holocaust. The chimney, it's terrible. There's so much dust. It's so bad for my allergies and my asthma and my million other problems. But you know, this year I don't even want to do Christmas because you know, everyone's been so naughty.

Starting point is 00:24:24 There's been so much anti-Semitism, so many Holocaust deniers. You know who would have hated Holocaust deniers? Hitler. He would have said, credit where credit's due. But I'm not here to talk politics. I'm here to roast these schlamazels and schlamieels. Does he have to do the voice? I love it.

Starting point is 00:24:45 He's able to do the voice. It keeps me hard. It's not that different from my regular voice. That's my point. This is my regular voice. But it's great to roast Joe List and what looks like his three middle school bullies. Bobby Kelly, Bobby Kelly, we all know,

Starting point is 00:25:04 used to be so much bigger. And also, he lost some weight, mazel tov. Mazel tov. Mazel tov. Bobby is a great actor, I don't know, he's a tremendous actor, I don't know if you ever saw him on Joe's movie, or Louie,ie or my favorite performance when he pretended he lost all that weight from exercise alone. Bobby is on a terrific radio show with Big Jay Okersen called Guys Who Lost Weight But Still Look Fat. That's the new name.

Starting point is 00:25:44 That's the new name. That's the new name. Of course, obviously, I'm talking about the bonfire, and the bonfire was what Dan Soder threw his career in after doing radio all those years. What were you doing radio? You're supposed to do podcasts. No one's watching the radio, but now he has a great podcast where he invites friends to come over and look at his baseball card collection. Dan, you sad, lonely child.

Starting point is 00:26:14 When are you gonna grow up? Never. Ah, Dan, but he's great. I feel bad roasting him. I once, years ago, I saw one of his shows, me and Mrs. Claus. It was amazing. I died laughing. I saw one of his shows me and Mrs. Claus it was amazing I died laughing I was like this comedian is incredible I'll never forget the closing line it was uh all right I'm Shane Gillis are you ready for your headliner?

Starting point is 00:26:39 I'm opening for him now. He's opening the door for his chauffeur. He's chauffeuring him, and... But, Dan, I gotta hand it to you. He's not jealous. He's not jealous that his opener is now doing arenas. I myself would be a little jealous. It would hurt, but you're not. I mean, he was a little jealous, Dan, when he leaked that podcast episode

Starting point is 00:27:02 of Shane being racist to Asians. But other than that, speaking of racist, Lewis Gomez is here. Lewis J. Gomez, you cocksucker. Lewis Gomez, you're so naughty and offensive. I want to put coal in your stocking. If I didn't know, you would have immediately taken it out to do blackface. Lewis, what can I say about Lewis?

Starting point is 00:27:26 He's a hard worker, he's a go-getter. In other words, you say when a comedian's not funny. Don't beat me up. I'm very scared of Puerto Ricans. We choose a racist. Lewis, Lewis's mother was murdered. She was murdered. It was horrible. But he is such a good son. He is such a good son that to honor his mother being murdered,

Starting point is 00:27:54 he has never once done that on stage. He's a good son, and he's got a deal to write a book now, and he's working hard on it. He's not a meathead. He's working hard. Every day, he goes to the office and spends four hours on the computer learning how to read. He's working hard.

Starting point is 00:28:12 Of course, he does Allegiant of Stakes. He was Dave Smith. Dave Smith could not be here tonight. He was too busy thinking up the worst take possible for whatever the current event is. I assume with the insurance it's about how no one should have insurance. Something crazy like that. Joe List is here. Joe List.

Starting point is 00:28:33 Joe List is doing so well. He's doing so well. He's been in AA for many years, which is funny because as a comedian, he's also anonymous. But he's not kidding, he's also anonymous. Um... But he's not, I'm kidding, he's done great. His other podcast has gotten so many people to buy tickets to see Mark Norman live. It's still...

Starting point is 00:28:54 Mark Norman couldn't be here tonight. He was too busy saying the same pun at 22 different comedy clubs in the city. But Mark Norman, I gotta hand it to him. He's not only the great comic, he's so ripped. He stays in such good shape for someone who eats all those popsicles so he can steal the jokes ripping on the sticks for his act.

Starting point is 00:29:22 But Joe, I gotta say to you, as it's you, I'm a little offended. You know, your whole act, it's cultural appropriation, frankly. You know, the nemeshinist, you're basically doing Jew face, you know. Speaking of Jews, Ari Shaffir is not here, but Ari Shaffir this year said anti-Semitism, he's never experienced anti-Semitism, which is insane. What do you call God when he created his face? Anyway, it's great to be here.

Starting point is 00:29:50 It was a pleasure. Zack and Miko's coming out soon. Zack and Miko, he's... Oh, I ruined the surprise. I'm sorry. You're not supposed to fucking... What a dickhead you are. Well, I wrote the road joke for him.

Starting point is 00:30:04 I was just gonna say, he's always doing these costumes and makeup to look ugly. He's already there. What a dickhead you are. Well I wrote the road joke for him. I was just going to say he's always doing these costumes and makeup to look ugly. He's already there. But you know the neat? It's like Freddy Krueger saying, what should I go as on Halloween? I should have ended on the last joke, but I'll go. Anyway, thanks for having me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:23 Give it up. Jewish Santa. up. Jewish Santa. I love Jewish Santa. What do they do? I think they stay up here. He gave me the gift of giving it to you straight. I don't know if you have enough chairs. Okay, you are next, Mr. Soda.

Starting point is 00:30:36 Yeah, I am. My Santa comes straight from the hood. Or no, he doesn't. He's from the suburbs and he watches black people on TV. Keep it going for my Santa, white Wigger Santa, Brendan Sagalow! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:30:56 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, Yeah. Give him a round of applause. Give him a round of applause. Take it from the Jewish Santa. What's up motha... What's up motherfuckers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I talk my shit?

Starting point is 00:31:16 Go ahead Santa. I wrote a little freestyle for y'all. I hope you're ready for more voices. Alright. Ayo yo, yo. Ayo ho ho. I hope you're ready for more voices. All right. Hey yo, yo, yo. Hey yo, ho, ho. Check it. Now I go by the name of Saint Nick.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Got three hoes at the North Pole, they suckin' on my dick. And you know I rap gifts. Shoot at a Jake and win the case cause the nine's in my stockin'. I'm hot shit. Unh. So helpin' you, Santa shit UGH No helping you Santa

Starting point is 00:31:47 Can I give you a beat at least? Nah, you want? No Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Hey, stop! This is not how this was supposed to go! Don't lose it, stay focused. Okay, yo, you're black. I'm black now. I said I'm hot shit, and baby it's cold in the streets, fuck joy to the world, I'll bring peace with a peace bitch, please.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I'm getting head from Mrs. Claus to the nosebleeds, and then I call a Rudolph Pringle. Yeah. That. Yeah. That's how you say it. Hey, yo, fuck that Mark-ass Grinch. Is that it? That was it? That's it. All right, you want more from the...

Starting point is 00:32:42 Yeah, I got more. No, no, no, spit more, please. Where you at? Wait a minute, Zach, you... Everybody's enjoying this. There's no way he can spit more than Ronan did. That was like a Gallagher show. No, that was...

Starting point is 00:33:00 I got a diss on the fringe. Are you improving right now or is this written? I don't know. I wish he was improv. Are you improving right now or is this written? I wish he was improv. I was improving. I wish he was in Providence, Rhode Island You know what I'm saying Sagalow plays Fortnite What? Sagalow, freestyle on some faces in the front row. What?

Starting point is 00:33:28 Freestyle on the face in the front row? No. You don't get to tell me what to do. Damn. Shit. I ain't getting told what to do. This ain't Amy Schumer, motherfucker. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:38 You don't get to take me off stage. One more time for my Santa. Sagalow. Sag Daddy. We're going to need some more chairs. Joe you're up. Holy shit. And Lewis you're up.

Starting point is 00:33:53 That stunk. You sunk. You shut up. Well so far my Santa is winning. Sorry you didn't do a 45 minute roast. Yeah sorry. Alright folks. Why do you turn into a chubby little girl from the suburbs?

Starting point is 00:34:04 I want to be just like you! All right, it's time for my Santa. Ladies and gentlemen, Renan already ruined the surprise. I mean, that was the funniest thing he did. Pretty sweet that, you know, this guy's had a really big pop and everyone's been excited, but since Renan already told everyone... He told me to write jokes for Zach. I had him really big pop and everyone had been excited, but since Renan already told everyone. He told me to write jokes for Zach. I had to pull the paper. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for punk rock Santa Claus,

Starting point is 00:34:31 the international superstar, Zach Amico. Woo! On it's way, Santa. Hello children, Boys and girls. Some words for you guys. Oh, shit. It's just the N word over and over again. God, I hope this is like a recipe of some sort.

Starting point is 00:35:01 He wins body type so far. I don't like that you all just chose your fattest friend. And by what a margin Lewis won. That's right boys and girls, it's me, Santa Claus. The only person who visits more children in one night than Jeff Ross. Bar? That's a bar. Dan Soder's new podcast is a lot like Christmas morning.

Starting point is 00:35:42 We all have to pretend to give a shit at watching people open cards. Laughter I rode here on a sleigh with reindeer and one time Dan Soder got a phone call saying, your sister was slain on the road in the reindeer. Laughter Doesn't hurt. It was dry that day.

Starting point is 00:36:08 Joe List is here, another very good little boy. Joe's wife used to be a stripper. Every time she sits on Santa's lap, she tells him she's just doing it to work her way through college. Joe List got his wish of being Louis CK's protege and Louis is actually a lot like Santa Claus except Santa doesn't block the door closed while he empties his sack. What you can't do that you can't help out you can't help out you can't help if I couldn't fucking hype man

Starting point is 00:36:45 You can't help out you dirty Puerto Rican That's how you get him to vote I learned from Tony And that right there is a very naughty boy Lewis Jay Gomez We see you Lewis. We see the girls you bring home after these shows. The women brings home after gigs have had more fingers than them in a month than an advent calendar. Here's one you can take home with you guys. What does a Christmas tree have in common with Louis' mom's dead body?

Starting point is 00:37:22 After you drag him out to the curb, you still have to pick up all the needles. have in common with Lewis's mom's dead body? After you drag him out to the curb, you still have to pick up all the needles. Oh! Ooh! Yes, that's the correct response. Zach. Oh, my. Zach. Zach. Zach.

Starting point is 00:37:37 Zach, I'll do that. Lewis, let me. Zach! Zach. And the goodest little boy Bobby Kelly Bobby was so proud of you You lost the weight Bob got lap band surgery

Starting point is 00:37:54 And all the comics he helped get their start banded together To pass him in the industry And finally Bob I wanted to thank you It's been another great year of podcasts So I brought you a present We all thought you should have And finally, Bob, I wanted to thank you. It's been another great year of podcasts. So I brought you a present, it's something we all thought you should have. Could you pass this down to Bob, please?

Starting point is 00:38:09 We're very, very happy. It's not, there's nothing. Is this my stomach? Go ahead, go ahead and show everybody. We're very, very proud of this. Can I put my hand? You can empty it on the table, go ahead. Empty it on the table.

Starting point is 00:38:19 It's not gonna hurt you, it's nothing weird. Empty it on the table. It's a bunch of coal. You see? Oh no, Bobby, you've been a good boy this year. Those are Patrice's ashes. Thank you, I'm Santa Claus. I'm selling them for $100 a cube.

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Starting point is 00:42:19 in our description and use the code REGS to receive 15% off after you purchase They're just gonna ask you where you heard about them from please tell them It's from the regs and support the show now back to the show. Are you guys ready for my Santa? Are you ready for my Santa Are you ready for my Santa Are you ready for my Santa? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Big J Santa Claus! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:42:49 Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho My Santa's got talent. I didn't know we had to write a roast. Two days ago, Bobby came to me and he said, would you be my surprise Santa? Tomorrow. Which was yesterday.

Starting point is 00:44:08 And then today asked me if I would do it again. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I said yes, and he left out any homework I had to do. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Cause I knew you got it. Also Santa Claus doesn't say ho ho ho after every one. Ho ho ho. Yes, let me listen to a garbage Puerto Rican tell me

Starting point is 00:44:35 about Feliz Navidad. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. I love how Big J didn't think anything through beside the ho ho ho. Oh ho ho ho! I was relying mainly on your inter-gender anger with the lady backstage. Oh ho ho ho ho! I'm becoming Irish! I can't hold voices for long.

Starting point is 00:45:04 Oh ho ho ho. I used to have Dan for that, but then everybody on the stage, Yankee swapped my shows. Oh ho ho ho ho ho. You showed up to all of your friends hanging out without you? Yes! Great news everyone, I've lost enough weight that I had to tie a knot in the back of my beard. These are size 38s. I'm out of material. I'm just bragging.

Starting point is 00:45:49 My penis looks bigger. Touch it. Don't you freak. Give it up for my Santa, Big J Santa Claus. Thank you, thank you. Do you guys remember when Wigger Santa said I wrote a freestyle for y'all? That was bonkers, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. I didn't know we were allowed to write jokes. You're making me look stupid in front of my ex. Hey, Dan, move over. My partner's coming in.

Starting point is 00:46:27 Fuck you. Come over here, Santa. Hey, Sagalow, can I talk to you real quick? Dan said, yesterday Dan said everyone's gonna love it if you do this. I loved it, and that's the most important part. I loved it and that's the most important part. Alright, here we go. Are you guys ready to choose the best Santa? Just one? So we're gonna have, we're gonna vote on the best Santa.

Starting point is 00:46:58 I'm gonna go behind people and you? And then whoever you guys vote is the best Santa. They're gonna stay all the way through the end of the show through the Yankee Swap and through rose thorn and seed All right, you guys ready? They love them and the exact same amount. They what? This is anti-Semitism. Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Starting point is 00:47:36 The audience is just being polite. Nobody wanted Shackle to be the favorite. That's crazy. Lewis. No, no, no. They're all. Oh, Phil! Phil! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:47:45 Ha ha. Ha ha. You suck in our game. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:47:53 You son of a bitch. Bobby's finally doing cardio. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Thank you!

Starting point is 00:48:10 Oh ho ho ho! I thought it was going to be an early night favor. Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh ho ho ho ho! I say we keep them all out here. Let's keep them all! Let's keep them all out here! Uh, Bit would see if I Let's keep them all out here. Let's keep them all out here. Let's keep them all out here. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus.

Starting point is 00:48:25 Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus.

Starting point is 00:48:33 Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus.

Starting point is 00:48:41 Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. Big J Santa Claus. She's not happy. And you've been side-eyeing her the whole night. Yeah, she was actually really mad. It was kind of awkward. What is it you did? Yet again.

Starting point is 00:48:54 She was mad that they were forcing us to start at 8 o'clock and I suggested 8.08. Well, I'll tell you what she said. She said she just works there. It wasn't her decision. What a Jewish snitch. Well, I'll tell you what she said. We can, she said, she just works there. It wasn't her decision. Yeah. What a Jewish snitch. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Starting point is 00:49:13 I'm gonna tell you. My typical Hanukkah behavior. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho But she, she, yeah, but she was, I think she felt verbally assaulted by you. I think that's what it was. I didn't verbally assault her at all. I just side-eyed her. No, you said that okay in a very cold tone. To be fair, I feel verbally assaulted when Lewis says hello. It's really eating at you, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:49:39 What'd you say? This is really eating at you, isn't it? That she doesn't like you. I still don't know what you said. Cool. Let's move on to the presents. Ronan without the voice looks like a fat Indian. You'll get fat again.

Starting point is 00:49:54 That's your karma for making fun of fat people when you lost weight. Maybe we should have asked for on-stage monitors for Christmas. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. All right, all right, this, let's get to the presents. This is the part where we do the Yankee swap. We've been doing this since 2012. Are the numbers in there? Yeah, there's not many.

Starting point is 00:50:14 But are the producers picking shit too? I think they are, right? Well, they're not here. Where are they? Yeah, get the three producers up here. Get the three producers. We got Danny, Joe, and Paco. Get your asses up here.

Starting point is 00:50:24 Nice guys. We got the Tizzy, and Paco. Get your asses up here. We got the Tizzy 2 and the fucking Filipino. Danny, Joe. You can guess the ones that have autism. Don't let them pick first. This is crazy. What is happening right now? Put that back in there.

Starting point is 00:50:44 Put that back in there. Go right here. Right here. I pick first. This is crazy. What is happening right now? Put that back in there. Put that back in there. Go right here. Right here, I pick first. I picked first already. You already picked? Did you get the, you got the good one? I got a good one. Okay, I got one. Not the best one.

Starting point is 00:50:53 Dan. If you guys don't know, we all pick a number. The number one is the best one to have. C. Right? Yes. Fuck. Yeah, and then it's bad from two, three, four.

Starting point is 00:51:04 The eight is the next best or whatever, right? Yes. Okay, got it. Here we go. Come on. Come on. Little dead air. Alright, here we go. The numbers are picked. Who's got number one? Who's got number one? I've got number one. Who's got number one? I've got number one! Ohhhhhhh! Doesn't he always get number one? Numero uno! Most number ones in Yankee

Starting point is 00:51:30 swap history. What do you want? This one? Suck it dickheads! Uh, yeah I'll do that. What's that top one? This one? That thin one that you picked. Take the thin one. There's what? Put them all up here Danny. You've already picked. Take the thin one is not what anybody said tonight. I'm number one so I get, do you guys want to explain what Yankee swap all up here, Danny. You've already picked. Take this in one. I'm number one, so I can...

Starting point is 00:51:45 Do you guys want to explain what Yankee Swap is? We already did. Louis was in the middle of it. Shut your phone off, Jay. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, Santa. I'm gonna open... Dan opens a gift.

Starting point is 00:51:55 That's his gift for now. Whoever gets number two can keep their gift or switch with Dan. At the end, because Dan got number one, he's number one, he gets to pick the last gift. Do the Santas get gifts, or we just watch you all take the gifts? We're just talking Santas. Watch us open gifts. Santa doesn't gift gifts. My gift today is?

Starting point is 00:52:14 Jewish Santa. A signed picture of Grandpa from the Munsters. Oh. Oh wow. This is so cool. How did you know that I watched the Munsters a couple times when I was hung over? Did I see it? Did you see it? If you told us that was your real grandpa. Notorious Hollywood coxman Al Lewis. Right, fuck it, they got, yeah. If I was still drinking and trying to get pussy, I would lie and say, this is like your grandpa.

Starting point is 00:52:50 Nice. Who's number two? Who's got number two? Number two is Joe Russell. Joe, that was a shit gift that you give Dan. Wait, that was Joe's gift? No, that was Joe Russell's gift. Where'd you get that?

Starting point is 00:53:03 Go Joe, take a gift. Yeah. Speaking to a gift. Yeah. Speaking to a microphone, Jesus. I got that for last Yankee swap, but it came too late, so it's been in my apartment for a year. Oh wow. I'm so honored. Right, Joe, open your gift.

Starting point is 00:53:16 The gift was so bad that Dan's texting somebody. I'm not, I'm getting something ready, Joe. Shut the fuck up. All right, this gift was from me. Oral B. Dental floss. This is definitely Joe's gift. Astro Glide.

Starting point is 00:53:31 That's good if you have a 47-year-old wife. Listerine. Great if you smoke cigars. Puffs. Tissues. This is so funny. Did you get a CVS rifle for this? This is something that you get like, this is like fuck a hooker and use all this stuff.

Starting point is 00:53:51 Sharpies to sign autographs, a tie pen in case you come on your leg. Was this left in a cap you got in? Just ransack the fucking CVS you piece of shit. I paid for it. I got everything I wanted. Joe ran through CVS, you piece of shit. I paid for it. I got everything out. Joe ran through CVS and just grabbed everything you saw. Yeah, it really is. They were like, you have a minute,

Starting point is 00:54:10 grab everything you can. He's like, yeah, fucking Listerine, ready to list. Joe's supermarket sweeped us. Sharpie pens. And then crickets. Crickets. That's for the comics. Is that it nice that's way better than a fucking Munsters headshot I don't think it is yeah you're not available well

Starting point is 00:54:37 sorry everybody well I'll give I'll give Joe credit it's better than the Munsters picture absolutely you would use all those things though they're very good pens I like those pens. Really good pens. Hopefully one of the writers on the show gets one. All right, who's got? You wanna keep that or you want your Munsters bullshit? You gotta keep it or get the?

Starting point is 00:54:58 Oh shit! I've grown kind of fond of it, can I get that Munsters back? Not so funny now, Dan, is it? Yeah, can I have the divorced dad pack? Thanks, I'll pick up the kids on Saturday. The Tide Pen won't wash away your lonely tears. Heidi Haar?

Starting point is 00:55:21 The Listerine will hide the parking lot drinking from the boss. Oh yeah, floss and Listerine is gay. It is. It's very gay. Can I have those pens? No. No. I can't have you write another hour about how my sister's dead. That hurt, didn't it? Can you please give Sagalow a pen? Alright, who's got number three? That's how he freestyles, Zach.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Okay, number three is me. Oh, Bobby! Can I touch the gifts? Touch everything you want. No, no, no, can you pick them up and hold them and feel them? No, you can't touch the gifts. I think you can only see them, Bob. You can only look. This one is definitely... It's in a garbage bag. Somebody brought a garbage bag of a gift. That's heavy.

Starting point is 00:56:11 Gabby's panties were a big gift. That was big. Lewis put them in his mouth. I can't believe I threw those panties out. You want to... well Bobby... Well, who's... can I say one little thing? We should say who's gifted it. This is my gift. Oh, it looks nice. Oh, yeah. You want to open it up? If this is baseball cards, I'm going to throw them at you. You would be so lucky. You'd be so lucky if I gave you a Fred McGriff rookie. Oh, this looks nice.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Jay, hit the music. This is something somebody gave Dan. This holiday season, give them something really special with an Aura digital frame. Rank the number one digital picture frame by Wirecutter. Aura frames are easy to set up, enjoy, plus Aura frames can be preloaded with photos and gift messages. So whether you're giving the frame to your sister grandma

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Starting point is 00:57:19 We're trying to get paid. Bonfire. That's promo code SOTR. Bonfire. Bonfire. SOTR. Bonfire. SOT shoulder. Bonfire, bonfire, bonfire, shoulder. Bonfire, bonfire, bonfire. This is the best offer of the season, so don't mess up.

Starting point is 00:57:32 Use promo code. Terms and conditions apply. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. This is their white mat carver frame. Yeah, baby. That's a good one. I spent actual money on mine. Yeah, we can tell in under 15 one. I spent actual money on mine. Yeah, we can tell in under 15 minutes.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Yeah. Still the best gift so far. Yeah, I do not want to get any of that other horse shit. I'm keeping this. Listerine and floss? Yeah. And pens? Joe, you swung, you missed.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Can I say we all have, like, one of these electronic frames? No one's ever used it. It just sits no I use Lewis. I use it when you go. Hey bring a gift for Yankee swap Right there is this two years in a row you did the same guess And hopefully a third if or a frames continues to do business with the sun fires promo code on fire probably guys sauna fire story wars all right who's got number four who's for I

Starting point is 00:58:37 am sagalow for we know Ron on dating a floor. Too far? Go fuck yourselves. You alright, Lewis? Cramping up when it's gift time? Are you cramping up, really? Your arms are cramped? What are you, working out and drinking soda? Have a banana, you fucking... Paco, take your shirt off. Give him a massage from behind. Take your shirt off and give him a massage. Why would you do that?

Starting point is 00:59:01 This is not the first time Lewis has molested white trash. This usually only happens off air. Yeah, it's a good massage. It's Filipino, it's in his blood. Oh my God, Paco, that's incredible. Like, give my triceps a little bit. Oh, my chest. He's rubbing his dick on his ass.

Starting point is 00:59:22 A Puerto Rican being rubbed by a man and holding a garbage bag you must be in heaven All right, this is my gift the garbage bag Did your mother send it from the Philippines it's a diorama of Puerto Rico Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:59:48 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:59:55 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:00:01 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's an oversized volleyball. Oh, this big idiot's gonna pick that. Dude, if it would have gone through the floor of the stage. A giant medicine ball. I would have died of laughter if that medicine ball would have broke right through the stage. And laughter is the best medicine ball. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, how much does it weigh? Oh put it on your head, put it on your head and run around.

Starting point is 01:00:31 What is it? Oh and cockpills. Cockpills, a Sam Rino X. Now featuring no headache. Magnum Gold 24K and Rino XL. 24K, that's what you make in a year. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, me is it a 10 pound weight that eight pound medicine ball oh he's on a pinata Wow okay the human head weighs eight pounds remember all right well I'm number five number five and Dan you better be ready for me to take that gift back yeah please whoo this is heavy who brought this gift that This is me. Oh, ho, ho. Here we go. I bet it's-

Starting point is 01:01:25 Definitely a sponsor from Gaps Digital. I know it's free. Is it an Aura picture frame? It's a few degrees better. It's an Ember mug. Temperature control mug. It's a temperature control mug that you can control right from your phone

Starting point is 01:01:41 so your coffee will never not be hot. Oh, the other stuff in the gift fell out. All the scratch tickets and the gift cards. No that's a great gift right there. That's a gift for an abusive stepfather. Poor adjust enjoy. Yeah it's a it's a mug you control the temperature from your phone. Joe. Yeah, Lewis, you can't get past that. Bobby wants that mug so badly. Joe, you can put your baby pictures on this.

Starting point is 01:02:15 This mug sucks. Dan, hit me with the goods, baby. All right. That mug rules. Yeah. I got so excited about that mug. How much was that? $100. It's supposed to be 20 bucks. Whatever. They really push you have to fucking warm it up with your phone thing. I don't like that. Do people have trouble making stuff hot?

Starting point is 01:02:40 No, but if you have your coffee, your sitting, your Ronon, we should explain to you, Louis has caveman abilities to be blown away like this. Water cold! Yeah. Hr, hr, hr! Hr! If anyone needs an autograph after the show, I got you covered.

Starting point is 01:02:57 Yeah. It's like a good- Guys, you know the classic combination of phone and coffee cup? Dan, you have your phone on you at all times. If your coffee gets a little bit cool, guess what? Turn it right up on your phone. But you can just put it in a microwave.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Shut the fuck up, Ronan. Nobody wants microwaves. How far do you walk away from your coffee? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Louis goes, you know what? I forgot I'm a half, I'm two clicks west of my cup of coffee. I better warm that bad boy up. Should you spill your coffee? I happen I'm a half, I'm two clicks west of my cup of coffee. I better warm that bad boy up.

Starting point is 01:03:25 Should you spill your coffee? I happen to have a Tide pen. Joe, your package sucks. Can I get those pens? Joe goes, hey, you know, flasks can be used also as tripwire. And you're like, yeah, Joe, no one wants your present. Your shit MacGyver bag. Funny. Someday your fiance will be middle aged.. Okay who's next? Danny's six. That's my gift right there. Danny chose the giant dildo. Enjoy but you don't know what's in it. This is a

Starting point is 01:04:01 full-size Torgasm poster. Is it not? If it's a rifle, everyone run. Why would you do that, you piece of shit? No, it's not that. You won't even look at you. There's no way. If it's a Torgasm poster, I'm taking it. Dude, if it's a Torgasm poster, I'm taking that shit.

Starting point is 01:04:19 It's an original 2007 from the show that I stole from DC What? Corky Oh Woo Wow Oh

Starting point is 01:04:30 Wow Oh that's it Dane Cook Dane Cook Dane Cook Dane Cook Dane Cook Dane Cook

Starting point is 01:04:38 Dane Cook Sufa mother fucker Whoa Dane Hold it up Hold it up I can't believe I nailed it Look how small my head is in the back You're too far, motherfucker! Whoa. Woo! Dan. Hey, hold it up, hold it up. I can't believe I nailed it. Look how small my head is in the back.

Starting point is 01:04:50 I love how they made you guys stare at Dane being awesome. Yeah. Bobby, you look like you fixed the tour bus. Bobby, stare at Dane. The wheels are back up. Now Dane stands in front of a school bus. I'm gonna trade with Bobby. Yes! You're gonna give me the fucking poster back you piece of shit?

Starting point is 01:05:11 Nice! I've been trying to get rid of this for fucking 12 years. You're switching to the aura frame? Danny, talk to me on the side. I got a deal for ya. I mean you choose aura frame over the clock. That's crazy. What were you going to say run on?

Starting point is 01:05:28 I was going to do a call back. I was going to say Bobby you were so much bigger back then because of the, it's not good when it gets repeated. I really did not want to stay on the show. I wanted to leave, I've actually missed two spots in the city. So nine him a pence we can work that one out alright here we go who's next? Paco is the last one right? yeah

Starting point is 01:05:51 go ahead Paco who's that from? it's from me oh it's from Danny is it from Danny? it's a magic related it's a house trap it's just hair of a woman that's missing this smells like my mom

Starting point is 01:06:03 he goes I'd probably throw that away. The police are looking for that. They should be here any minute. I got Nate Bargatze Big Dumb Eyes World Tour tickets. That's fun. Madison Square Garden. Yeah, but it's in the last row. The nosebleeds. It's very funny. It's actually a killer get how many tickets is just one. It's just

Starting point is 01:06:36 All right, it's a great gift god damnit Danny, that's hilarious One ticket for the last you're gonna go listen to clean humor by yourself at the garden No, Bobby, you're going to listen to Clean Humor by yourself at the garden? No Bobby you're going to listen to Clean Humor by yourself. Wow! My trick worked. Great news Bobby, you'll be the last one in the arena to know that he doesn't curse. By the time it hits Bobby? By the time the sound travels to you. But Dan gets 45 minutes in. Dan do you want a ticket to St. Nick's? Why are you turning into a magician? Oh there's the Santa part. I get the final choice right?

Starting point is 01:07:15 Final choice Dan. Don't even think about it. You have the best gift already in your hand Dan. That's the truth. That's the truth. It is 80 minutes of battery life. Safe to hand wash. And you don't own a microwave or anything else? No, dude. You don't own a microwave or a microwave? You see a battery? It sounds like an explosion waiting for your cupboards. That would be so funny if it wasn't safe for hand washing.

Starting point is 01:07:38 You couldn't even wash it. Did your soda or Katie die because their apartment caught on fire? You washed his ember mug? I'm keeping the ember. Oh! Best gifts of the year, folks. Bobby's very upset.

Starting point is 01:07:56 This gift stinks. I know. Well, Bobby, why don't you give it to somebody in the crowd? Who's here alone? Is there a person here by himself? Who's here alone? Not all at once Who wants a Nate Braganzi ticket?

Starting point is 01:08:12 It's so funny flash forward to a solo man has murdered a comedian All right, Joseph. Why don't you throw in the astro glide? Why don't you throw in the astro glide? Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho other people to watch. You gotta see Danny after, that's just a copy. He's gotta transfer the tickets. Give your email to Danny. That's Danny right there. More homework. All right, wow, that's been fucking great. You guys having a good time? All right.

Starting point is 01:08:55 Guys, one more time for all our sanders, Brendan Sagalow, Big Jay Okerson, Ronan Harshburn, Zach Amiko! Merry Christmas, Regs fans. Do me a favor. Right now, my special kill box is available on YouTube. So go to youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy to watch my special killbox directed by Louis CK. It's on YouTube go subscribe

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Starting point is 01:11:06 by using your points? Small back cigars. All right, back to the show. All right, here comes the anticlimactic part of the show. This is the post come talk. Come sit next to me. Come back over here, Danny. Ah!

Starting point is 01:11:21 What'd you do? What did you do? What did you do? Big Jimmy! He's gone. You know. I'm going to do this the rest of the show. It's good podcasting. I think that Joe has a good 45 seconds of being able to do that in him.

Starting point is 01:11:45 Alright, go. Well I didn't know you guys would stop talking if I did it. Let's make it awkward, I got a timer going. 45 seconds? 45 seconds, ready? I think I can do it. Go. You gotta keep going though, keep pumping. One, two, three. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Is Joe gonna lift the ball or is he really gay? Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Is Joe gonna lift the ball or is he really gay? Hey, you're roasting jokes here.

Starting point is 01:12:11 Jingle bells, jingle bells, he's still got 30 seconds. Not so fun when it gets so high. He's gonna fucking break. Joe, you still got 20 seconds. I love how our fans can't count past 30. There we go. 31. Come on, Joe.

Starting point is 01:12:29 No, you're going to keep it. He's going to be hurting tomorrow, dude. Four. All right. There it is. Joe did it. You sweet son of a bitch. Damn, Joe's jacked. Damn. Alright. That was fun. That was the highlight of the show. It was 45. It was 46 technically. I let him go an extra second because I kind of thought it'd be funny.

Starting point is 01:13:03 Thank you for giving this to me, Lewis. That was mine. What do you mean? Give it back Guys do you want to do? Rose Well the end of the show every year we usually do at the end of the show rose thorn seed Where we each go through? individual rose So somber you gotta explain what they are youber. You gotta explain what they are. You don't just go.

Starting point is 01:13:26 You gotta explain what they are. We're gonna go through them and... Yeah, the rose is your like biggest moment, what is the most beautiful moment of the year. Right. Your thorn was your biggest pain in the ass of the year. And your seed is what you've done this year that hopefully will bloom into your rose next year.

Starting point is 01:13:39 Yes. Yes. That's right. Goddamn right. And I vote, instead of bomb Dan up, bomb medicine ball for the rest of the show. We just swing it at each other. Could be fun. Dude!

Starting point is 01:13:53 Be careful. It's gonna get real dangerous. If you're not paying attention, it will break your neck. He's leaving. I'll tell you. He's like, I don't think exercise equipment is a joke. That's for personal fitness and personal fitness only. Alright, who's gonna go first? I will.

Starting point is 01:14:14 Do you want to go this way? Yeah, sure. Well, you don't have to all do it, you just do the rows first, right? We do the rows. Do we do all three? We do rows, then thorn, then seed. Okay, go ahead. We do Rose, then Thor, then Seed. We do Rose, Thor, Seed. Yeah, well the best thing for me this year was I put out a YouTube special and people enjoyed it and it was great

Starting point is 01:14:32 going on the road. And, um, it was very, it was awesome. It was, it made me realize I put, I should have put shit on YouTube way earlier. But it was great, thank you for everyone that watched it, and thanks for everyone that's seen me live.'re right you're right then YouTube is better than HBO it is it really is so shout out YouTube that's it they love it

Starting point is 01:14:55 they heard that they're like shout out to YouTube yeah HBO stinks now we're appearing on YouTube right now hey that that's fun. Some people are watching it and then listening to that and watching this. Bobby what was your rose? My rose this year was I moved to a new town, a new school for Max and no that's not the rose. Okay. You're just listing things that aren't your rose right now. It's okay. I mean we could all do that for a while. My rose. You gotta understand March was a difficult one. Not what's going on. You think I got a new car that's not it. That's not it. I had the best dinner of my life. Not it. I found a treasure chest full of Spanish bullion, not it. Bobby has a rose garden. My rose is... You didn't think about this at all,

Starting point is 01:15:59 did you, piece of shit? I did, I do, I got it. Dude, wait, yeah, this... Oh, sorry. I didn't just spit out our fucking... My special very I was very happy with the way that went and then the reception was lovely Then they love you though base so but what you said they would have given you a warm true They love I had the bomb you got you have no there's nothing It's not fiery about you like we're all fiery and fucking you know

Starting point is 01:16:22 You have no, there's nothing, there's nothing fiery about you. Like we're all fiery and fucking, you know, polarizing. You're fucking, you know, fucking. Fuck you. You fucking edgy little bitch. You're warm a cup of coffee on your phone. Oh, oh, I just warmed it up. You know what, I'm warming myself up right now. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Starting point is 01:16:39 Admit it, it was a gay rose. Bobby, what do you got? My rose. I am a gay rose. Bobby, what do you got? My rose is this. The heated floors in my bathroom. That's sick. That's a fucking good rose. I didn't understand how, I've heard about them, but now that I have them, when you wake up in the morning, you gotta go take that first piss,

Starting point is 01:17:01 and your socks are on, and you walk in, and the heat hits your feet and shoots up to your balls, to your nips up to the back of your neck Bobby I know I fucking made it because I have fucking heated floors everything else is gravy this is this is the kind of my fucking row this is the kind of rose that gets you gunned down with a ghost gun in the streets. Some fucking twink that's bitter is gonna shoot you in the back. I've worked a long time for heated floors, Joe. And Dan will support it, you fucking commie. Why am I a commie?

Starting point is 01:17:36 Because you support shooting CEOs dead in the street. Antifa Dan, Antifa Dan. Not Antifa, no, no, no. I feel like the health care system should be reformed by- I do too, but I feel like his two children might be inconsolable three weeks before Christmas, you fucking douchebag. Everyone knows he's gonna be a supervillain, so no. There's two kids without a dad, you piece of shit. So what? Welcome to the club, boys.

Starting point is 01:18:05 There it is. There it is. There it is. You just want dadless kids. You guys are so fucking corporate. You guys are so fucking corporate. Now listen, Bobby, you know how much you love your heated floors? What, babe? I mean, you know how much you love your heated floors? Do I know how much I love my kids' floors? Yeah, you know how much you love your heated floors? Do I know how much I love my kids floors? Yeah, you love your heated floors, yeah. Yes. Imagine it was a mug.

Starting point is 01:18:33 I would love that mug. If I had that in the bathroom? Doggie, Bobby wants that mug so badly. Can I tell you right now? I'm turning around and bringing this thing to Yankee Swap next year. He's not even gonna open it. Just give it to Bobby. Give it back to us next year. Just let me have it I'll bring it back next year. Let me have it now. You have enough. It's gonna be worth the wait There's gonna be two new models by the time next year It'll be worth the wait. I'm gonna take pictures of it throughout the year and send it to you Do not send me and you can't even send it to my aura frame because that... If you want, you can write a letter about how much you love it with my...

Starting point is 01:19:10 Joe, your gift sucked. Joe, I'm giving you super fingers. Don't make me cry. I do have the tissues though. Joe, what was your rose? Killer gift. My rose was winning my gift back. I really think it's... You didn't think of shit no I thought about stuff I put my fill I made I made

Starting point is 01:19:29 a film about Tom Dustin a lot of people came to see it and loved it and it's we're gonna have a theater run it's gonna be in the movie theaters we played it at the Key West Film Festival we had a kid last year oh yeah he's old old news the the movie was awesome and then key West we played in Key West and Tom I had a kid last year. Oh, that was right. Yeah, he's old news. The movie was awesome. And then Key West, we played in Key West, and Tom Dustin said it was the best day of his whole life and so that made it one of the best days of my whole life.

Starting point is 01:19:53 Yeah. And it was awesome. Yeah, check out the film. It'll be a theater near you. Yeah, his rose is him plugging a thing. That's great. So did Dan. Views, baby. What's yours? My rose was me firing

Starting point is 01:20:11 my manager and fucking starting my own company that books myself and a bunch of great comics on the road and I'm touring every weekend and it was just the best decision I've ever made in my entire life was to fucking get rid of that guy And to fucking own my shit. This is out here girl bossing and we just need to love it He's a CEO and he ain't taking no shit Run up on him on 6th Avenue Don't get slack You're the only CEO I don't think you can die.

Starting point is 01:20:46 I love CEOs. Why? That's really it. Dan doesn't. No, they're all fucking dickheads. Are they Dan? Are they all dicks? Every CEO in the world? No, the guy that runs Arizona Ice Tea is cool. You think that's the one? Kept it at 99 cents for fucking 25 years. Guy's a real one. I like a guy that fucking gets profits. I fucking hate woke, Dan.

Starting point is 01:21:16 I'm not fucking woke. He's a fucking Brooklyn hipster now. No I'm not. You're the fucking cup that heats coffee up when you're not there. It's fucking sick. And I'd give it to Luigi in a second. I go, here you go, you hot stuff, here's a hot mug.

Starting point is 01:21:35 All right, Dan. Thorn. The shittiest part of the year. My grandma died in March. That sucked. That's my rose. You do that joke every year because every year she dies. Nah, she was 97. It sucked.

Starting point is 01:21:52 And I had to like clean out her house and shit and that really was a bummer. Man, really sucked. She was 97 though, so you know, good run. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You're clapping for her death? Yeah. She's got a lot of enemies.

Starting point is 01:22:10 Bobby, what's your thorn? My thorn is I have cancer and I have nine months to live. Damn, you're gonna turn out a fucking awesome- Let him die, he has heated floors. They go, it's funny, we believe you've gotten poisoning from your heated floors. They go it's funny we believe you've gotten poisoning from your heated floors. You have stage 4 colon cancer you don't happen to have heated floors. The radiation that comes through the heated floors. Oh no those things were outlawed in 1987. I don't believe you have cancer but I do believe you have nine months to live.

Starting point is 01:22:50 Now what's your what's your real if that's your real thorn, I'm gonna fucking hate myself. My real thorn is that I did get the surgery, I lost a lot of weight, but I still have fat over my dink. And I don't know how to get it off. Let it out, brother. Can I say though, that's a great name for a tour. I still have a little baby stomach over my penis. Does it talk to you? Yeah, I want to cut it off. He goes, dude, you're never going to see you, dude, dude.

Starting point is 01:23:20 It's me, tiny stomach, dude. I'm never going anywhere, dude. And I don't want to get surgery to get it cut off because I feel like that's too much. So I'm just going to have to live with my little second stomach. Just chew it? No, don't just chew it. Get surgery. Live life. Just gnar on it.

Starting point is 01:23:42 Live moss. Listen to this woman with a dude's voice. Just do it. Do it Bobby. 100% that's the lady who pushed the kid. Everything that happens to me I say just do it. It gets in my way. Fuck you. It's like Nike. Just do it Bobby. I don't know. I've worked out. I've done all the shit and it's still I'm not going anywhere, baby. That's the voice it makes. That's what I hear.

Starting point is 01:24:09 Baby. Lis, what's your thorn? Thorn... Your teeth? No, my... No, you got them in Vizaline, dog. I got them in Vizaline, dog. My teeth are improving every day.

Starting point is 01:24:22 Let me see. Wow. Let me see the bottom ones he can't open for lists mouth can't do both those are improved that's right wow that's crazy so what were they before I'd like to make fun of how little you've improved, but you haven't. I'm going to throw this medicine ball at you. Bomb medicine ball. Dan's actually freaking out.

Starting point is 01:24:58 You're going to pay for that one tomorrow. My thorn just happened a day and a half ago. I had norovirus like 13 hours ago. I'm probably still contagious. What, you shit and puked? I was throwing up every 20 minutes for like 10 hours. Norovirus fucking sucks. Yeah, diarrhea, spitting diarrhea out of my ass

Starting point is 01:25:19 up until like 5 p.m. today. But you. But I pulled through. Yay. That means we're gonna hey I think we got everyone sick yeah yeah cut through 12 hours all of us like fuck yeah yeah no it's super super we'll have a thorn next year oh true yeah I was fucked up it was horrible I was I wanted to die. I was like, it was, ah! It was like, real, like today. Yeah, when you make that puke,

Starting point is 01:25:48 when you got nothing left, you go, ah. Yeah. Were you shitting and puking at the same time? Same time. So you had a bucket, or you just shit your dick? I was puking in the thing,

Starting point is 01:26:00 and shitting, and uh. You shit, and then puked, and then shit and puked? All at the same time. Did you tape it? I did and I should have. You should have live streamed it. It was wild.

Starting point is 01:26:11 Yeah, it was bad. I thought I was gonna die. But I pulled through just this afternoon and came to see you guys. Maybe that, is that what happened to your teeth? Maybe it's the vomit that's making them like that. Throw that medicine ball at Lewis anytime you want, Joe. Damn, this is the best gift you've ever gotten it. Fuck it.

Starting point is 01:26:37 It's a good gift. Fuck you, dude. Yankee swap. The medicine ball? I want that. Okay, cool. I want my dad back. What happened was he shot dead in the streets and everybody celebrated it right before Christmas

Starting point is 01:26:48 I at least I would have had a little money in my bank account I mean it did Dan did your grandma leave you anything? Nope Just a townhouse in debt Yeah, we got foreclosed on But we took everything out of it like thieves in the night. My thorn is officially that I totaled my Audi two weeks ago.

Starting point is 01:27:18 Your belly button? What are you acting surprised for? Why does he have an Audi? What? It's your first car. I'm surprised for you. Why does he have an Audi? What? It's your first car. No, it's not my first car, it's my first car as an adult. I had cars when I was a teenager. How totaled?

Starting point is 01:27:34 Dan, do you know what totaled means? There's only one total. What did you do? I got into a fender bender, literally a fender bender, but the damn it in Audi the headlights are $4,000 each that's why you get a fucking Honda. I know For it Joe

Starting point is 01:27:58 They I brought it in I was like I was a guy whatever you know get a fix the fucking hood and the front of The car a little bit, a couple headlights. They called me up, they're like, yeah, this car is never getting out of here. This is it, your car is totaled completely. So now I don't have a car. I feel like- What are you driving?

Starting point is 01:28:13 I feel like Lewis Scott Lydew. What kind of car are you driving now? I'm driving a rental Kia. A Kia? A Kia rental, yeah, it's right out front right now. Please go fucking throw things at it, I hate it. They gave you a Kia? Oh, dude, driving a Kia after driving an Audi

Starting point is 01:28:25 is the fucking worst, dude. Yeah. I'm so, I'm so upset. It's just like, I wanted to give that car to my son when he turned 16, that was the whole plan. You own it, you bought it? Now I gotta give him a Kia. You bought the Audi?

Starting point is 01:28:40 I financed the Audi, and what I owe on it is slightly more than the book value so they're giving me a few thousand dollars. Lewis whatever kind of car you give your son you got to give him the Kia or you won't be able to start it. It would have been a Bob Madison ball but the audience gave him some love on it. Yeah. Yeah so now I got to figure it out but it's honestly it's a good thing it's a good thing. For the rest of the drivers thing. It's a good thing. For the rest of the drivers, yes.

Starting point is 01:29:06 Yeah. It's good that I'm off the road for a few weeks. I just feel like someone at the Audi dealership got off the call and they were like, he believed it. Just drive it home in Lewis's Audi. They go, I thought a fender better totaled your car. It's wild. It's wild. I still don't believe it. I swear to God. You

Starting point is 01:29:28 should have brought your car in had it fixed yourself. What do you mean? What? You don't have... I brought it in to a body shop. Did the insurance get it? The insurance came and estimated it. There's no scammer. They don't want to give me $25,000. You could go bring it to a body person at buddy place and pay for it yourself insurance never knows it doesn't go on your thing you get it fixed you get your car back yeah but then I'm spending $20,000 to repair a car that's worth $24,000 we're making a hundred K each tonight yeah the Audi I bought it for $70,000 and in a few years it's now worth $24,000.

Starting point is 01:30:06 Fuck Audi! That's any car. I know, it's insane. I'll never buy a high-end car again. Is this how you learned about depreciation? I thought it'd be worth more money. I bought it four years ago. It should be four times the price.

Starting point is 01:30:20 This car should be worth $350,000. Don't they say that? Audi's appreciating value as soon as you drive them up a lot? This car should be worth $350,000. Don't they say that? Audi's appreciating value as soon as you drive them on the walk? It's called appreciation value. I'm going to think about this when I'm having a hot cup of coffee tomorrow. Oh, go fuck yourself. I hope it burns your apartment down.

Starting point is 01:30:38 Dan, here's what your seed, besides the coffee cup. It's a good seed. My seed is, Fox has made an offer on a cartoon that I created. I don't know if I'm gonna go with them, but it's nice to know that they want the cartoon. It's not the network, it's an animal in Dan's backyard. It's what? It's a little fox. Yeah, it's like, I go, no, you gotta, I fed you all the pages.

Starting point is 01:31:06 It's like, really little buddy, you're gonna buy my cartoon? You buy my, oh guys, yeah, Dan says he sold a cartoon to Fox. I don't like that Dan's everything is success. Yeah, my grandma dying was success. It is, you got a fucking place. That was foreclosed that the state of California has shot me out of? You got some spoons and shit. No.

Starting point is 01:31:27 I got a picture of me in seventh grade. That's worth a lot of money. It is. You better hope the head honcho at Fox doesn't get shot in the street. I don't know when Joe... Oh, I don't mind that guy. I don't know when Joe became such a butt dog for CEOs. For murder victims.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Of course murder's wrong, dork! It's just sexy and cool right now. Murder is in. I don't actually think murder's okay, you fucking idiot. It's so funny to see you say murder with your little ears. Every time a CEO gets murdered, an angel gets its wings. Mine keeps falling off my fucking bald head because I don't... My scene is, I hope, you know, we moved up to that new town,

Starting point is 01:32:18 and I hope that this year I've been planning, I've bought clothes, earth tone clothes, and quilted jacket and slip on other shoes. You're hoping to become a planet? What's that? That guy almost fell down the stairs. Some asshole just fell down the stairs and his bangs flipped.

Starting point is 01:32:44 My seed is that hopefully this year I get to, and I'm planning this strategically, by going downtown on certain days that I get to meet Ryan Reynolds and become good friends with him and his wife and get invited over for some type of- Wait, your seed is stalking? If you want to put it that way, I love that for you I want to become

Starting point is 01:33:08 friends with Ryan Reynolds this year what if he was Santa next year you never know if my plan works out it might be and I'll have my rose for next year too keep dreaming good I'm confused do you know Ryan is there a joke I don't know Ryan Reynolds now I'm planning on meeting him I'm confused. Do you know Ryan? Is there a joke? I don't know Ryan Reynolds now. I'm planning on meeting him I'm planting the seed. Oh, you're playing. I'm planting a seed in Ryan Reynolds. No, I'm not gonna know that's not I'm gonna come in a bed. I'm not gonna come in anybody. I'm gonna come right in this Deadpool, but Dude, my seat is Tim Chalamet. Yeah I

Starting point is 01:33:43 Want to meet them with the shell money. It's a ridiculous seed, Bobby. It's not a ridiculous seed. How do you fucking know? Well, it's not like your seed, like, you didn't plant the seed for it. You're just saying... Why is my seed ridiculous to you? It's not your seed. Let me have my seed. Why just worry about your fucking stupid seed? It's not like you did something that planted the seed for this friendship.

Starting point is 01:34:02 I have! I've been going to the same bakery every day strategically waiting to fucking meet him. Bobby's going there to meet Ryan Reynolds. Bobby goes, I hate that he goes to a bakery. I don't like it. Listen. You think I like going in and smelling all the freshly baked treats? Yes! They have a beautiful Queen Amon and great baguettes with fresh butter. That's just a bonus. Yeah, you were real f***ed. They go, uh, guys, the Ryan Reynolds guys is here again.

Starting point is 01:34:33 He's like... So, are those fresh? He's not here today, Bobby goes, all right, see you tomorrow. Bobby's just getting fat in a bakery every day. He's not here today Bobby goes alright see you tomorrow. Bobby's just getting fat in a bakery every day hoping to meet Ryan. You know Ryan if I could tell you a secret I blew my stomach open for this friendship. Well Joe?

Starting point is 01:35:06 You have no seed. I've been going to a massage parlor every day hoping to meet Ronny Chang. I just, I'm a big fan. And I get a hand job every morning because I'd like to meet Ronny. That's literally the only Asian person I can think of. My seed is I'm gonna we're gonna make a film about Louis J Gomez and Skankfest. But through this is the big idea right? I love it I'm into it Joe I'm 100% I've had probably a half a dozen people try to make Skankfest documentaries before and we say no every time because I don't fucking trust

Starting point is 01:35:43 anybody to represent the festival the right way you are literally the only person in the world that I would like to do this. Are you doing a Skankfest one or a Louis J Gomez one? Well if it's about Skankfest it's gonna be about Louis don't you think? Yeah. The Skankfest is you embodied. Well so is it Skankfest or Louis J? We'll figure it out while we make it I Think I think it should be if you want to make money make it about Skankfest Skankfest we'll see you I Don't know what you said because the monitors don't work

Starting point is 01:36:22 We'll figure it out. I'm sorry lady. It's not you. I know it's not you. Oh man. You know what the best part? I know it's not you. It was a joke. It was a gag. Do you get it? You know what the best part of this episode is going to be? Is when it's over and that lady trips Lewis coming down the stairs.

Starting point is 01:36:36 She just drills me in the nose. I give her the coffee mug. Yeah. Lew, what's your seed, bro? Oh man, it's fuck. It's all, it's oh man, it's fuck. I'm debating between two seeds. Just do two seeds, he did like four roses.

Starting point is 01:36:51 I did not do four roses. Four roses is great whiskey. No it's not. You sell whiskey now? It's not a good, four roses? Yeah it is. It was one rose. It's a grape bourbon.

Starting point is 01:37:00 Dude, I got my house, Max is at a better school, I got a kitchen, I got a floor. Yeah, I got a fat stomach, I'm fucking. Don't forget the Lexus. He's being mean. What? Alright, I'll do, I have two seats. Go ahead.

Starting point is 01:37:13 Okay, number one, I'm filming a special in July. Woo! That's not it, that's not it. And I really mean this. I asked the great Robert Kelly to direct my next special. And it's because I love you, and you've done more for me than anybody in comedy, and I think you understand my funny better

Starting point is 01:37:29 than anybody else in the fucking world. Hell, yeah. And I'm really excited to actually put this in somebody's hands that I can fucking trust and just fucking go and have fun, and I think this is gonna be by far the best thing I've ever done comedically. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:44 And then, thank you. You're doing that at SideSplitters too. At SideSplitters in San Francisco. Shout out SideSplitters in Tampa Bay. Get those tickets July 12th. And then the other seed is, I don't wanna sound like a douchebag, but I put in a fucking ton of work physically this year,

Starting point is 01:38:04 just getting sober. I got sober nine days ago, officially. I haven't smoked weed or, I haven't drank. I drank at Skank Fest and then I drank on Thanksgiving. But drinking's not the problem. Weed has always been a problem. And I quit smoking weed and I, what? It just sounds like a drug addict.

Starting point is 01:38:21 No, but I can have a drink. Yeah, you can. But the problem is weed. Yeah, me too, I can have one too. We, you can. But the problem is weed. Yeah, me too. I can have one, too. Weed has been a real fucking problem for me. How would you do that? Ah, fuck you.

Starting point is 01:38:34 So yeah, I've gotten a lot healthier, but the sobriety, I'm excited, obviously in conjunction with the special, to see what it's like a year from now being completely sober and fucking how I feel and I think it's it's gonna be I mean I feel great already the past nine days I'm sleeping again I'm fucking feeling good I don't feel like I'm a slave to fucking smoking weed all day and yeah I'm excited about that so that's my seed for this year. A lot of drug dealers that have bummed out but yeah good for you man that's my seed for this year. A whole lot of drug dealers that have bummed out, but yeah. Good for you, man. That's a good one. You about to rap, Dan?

Starting point is 01:39:09 No. It was like, shit. One, two, three, two, the four. Those are all good seeds. Good seeds. We've got a good year. Listen, we started this shit out a long time ago, just fucking around, doing it for ourselves, having fun. We weren't worried about fans,

Starting point is 01:39:25 there was really no social media, and now we fucking had the Grammys with all you fuckers. Thank you guys. And we're still doing it. This was a very, like we said, the last live Yankee Swap sucked, this one fucking ruled. You guys are awesome. This was awesome, I had a blast.

Starting point is 01:39:39 I really did. Thanks to all our Santas. Give it up for our Santas, everybody. Ronan, Brendan Sagalow, Zach Amico. Ronan Hershberg. DJ Okusen. Ronan. Ronan.

Starting point is 01:39:53 I said Ronan. I didn't hear you. You fucking asshole. Well, I didn't hear you. I can't hear anything. Give it up for Dan Sote, everybody. Joe List, Luis J. Gomez, and Robert fucking Kelly! Give it up for you guys!

Starting point is 01:40:08 Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! We love you guys! We'll see you next time on the Rigs! Thanks for watching!

Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Yankee Swap Live 2024 | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #26

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