Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #541 | Geoffrey Asmus & JP Leonard | Alpha Males

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

This week Bobby talks to Geoffrey Asmus & JP Leonard about alpha males, The 10 commandments, alligator attacks and more. FOLLOW Geoffrey / Geoffreyatm FOLLOW JP / thejpleonard Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code DUDE Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What are the Ten Commandments? Can you read that, Danny? Do you have the Ten Commandments? Let's see which ones we don't agree with. And also we should come up with more Ten Commandments. Like more? I agree with a couple more. We can come up with, yeah, we'll come up with 15. Let people smoke weed. Let's add that one too. I think that's not bad. Smoking weed has been, I mean they've smoked tobacco and...

Yeah, but it's not legal in Louisiana to smoke weed. No, we have medical. Oh, you have medical now? Okay, okay. They finally realized... They pretty much paved. Yeah, they can make money off of Okay. They finally realized. They pretty much paved. Yeah, they can make money off of it. They figured out how do we make money off of it.

All right, here we go. Ten commandments. So tell me, let's go for the first one. Read the first one. You shall not have no other gods before me. Okay, that one, that's a weird one. I'm sorry, have you seen how we treat Trump? Like that is, like he's on, like people spray-paint their trucks, right?

Well, he is an idol. That's so funny. Yeah, yeah, whatever your God is you could take that It's like it's like a white woman in Taylor Swift. That's her God She's worshiping my daughter out of don't put anybody before Taylor Swift. Yeah. Yeah, you pick one person then you that's your pantheon Yeah, it doesn't say which God to pick Bobby say which god to pick. Bobby, you're my god. What? You're my god. Thank you, Danny. A little suck up, we love that.

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promo code dude D-U-D-E go to sheath underwear support the show and support your balls. Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now We're back. you know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody, to the show. YKWD. YKWD. I started social media podcasting. The facts. The YKWD Podcast.

YKWD's back again. Home school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. YKWD. YKWD. This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how am I gonna to help you ruining this?

Where's the Montana, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. What's up, everybody?

It's Robert Kelly. You know what, dude? Podcast in the new, brand new Comedy Cellar podcast studios. And we're here. And I'm very excited. It's all together. We're going to be, who knows what's going to happen. Things might happen, but we're working through it. We'll get through it. So hopefully nothing happens. It goes live. We're on patreon.com right now patreon.com slash Robert Kelly live if that's not it What is it Robert Kelly patreon.com slash Robert Kelly if you want to watch this show live be part of the chat And get the show before anybody else go there and subscribe be a member of the patreon if you watching this patreon on YouTube

You should go over there and support the show if you can. If not, watch it right here on YouTube, but do me a favor and just click the subscribe button. Just click it. It's free. And you help the show out a lot. You help the show grow and get in the algorithm. And there you go. So we got a great show tonight. I'm very excited. In the new studios, we have, I mean, we got to, we got to go off big. New studio, brand new. We gotta get the biggest guests we could get. Danny, who do we got? We have Jeffrey Asmus and JP Leonard.

All right, so we couldn't get... Oh, boy. Couldn't get the biggest, but we got good ones. Yeah, there we go. We got Gurthy. We got the whitest. There we go. We got good. We got good enough. We wanna girthy. We got the whitest. There we go. We got good. We got good enough.

We don't want to, we want to make sure the kinks are out. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, I don't, yeah, I don't want to. When we get all the bugs out and we know how everything's working, then we'll get David Dell and Colin Quinn. Maybe we'll get Patrice. You don't want them to see the painting fall. No, the painting fell, the camera got bumped.

That's what we deserve. That's what we deserve. That's what we deserve. So yeah, it's a long time coming for the studio. I just got to, you know, I'm very excited about the studio. I'm glad you guys are here. But I'm a little mad at my crew. Danny, the tizzy two, I'm a little fucking angry at both of you. What do we do, Bobby?

Is the camera on you guys? No. That's going to be coming in 2.0. little fucking angry at both of you. What do we do Bobby? Is the camera on you guys? No. That's going to be coming in 2.0. Do you have a camera? The camera right here, it's a long complicated explanation that's not going to be good for the podcast. Well then I'm mad at you twice.

You want a microphone at least? Yes. Okay, great. You motherfuckers. You... I've had a joke. Take it out on them. I've had a joke for maybe two years.

Dead bombs every time I try to tell it. Every time. And I gave up. I let go of it. Oh, did you do it tonight? I... Do you say tizzy too? No, I would like that. No, that would have killed. Yeah. I did this fucking joke tonight and they will, I did it for them.

We were talking about jokes that don't work. Danny has a lot of them. We were talking about it. I could go on and on. Yeah. So I'm like, dude, I got a joke that didn't work. It never worked and I did it for him. I did it great joke, by the way They were like great joke. You should do that. I'm like what you should do it. Oh and I'm like, all right I'll do it. I will do it next time. I'll do it. So I'm at the pussycat tonight. I open with it. Oh brave I respect that it's not brave. It's stupidity And it fucking ate a fat one you pieces of shit I was there I can confirm it ate a fat one in a fat black pussy cat. Oh my god

I was like, oh, this is inspiration for me. Yeah, my god. That's humbling though. It started off like that They're like does he even know he's So much confidence. Oh, they both went wah, they laughed when I said it. Dude, that's good. That's good. And I was like, is it? I got all, is it? I'm a 30 year vet and I'm listening to fucking middleers.

That's what I get. It's your fault, it's your fault. It's my fault. My comic instincts were right. Let it go. Let it go. You've done this for two years, you said? I've done this joke for two years and it, fuck, and I did it for them as a, this one bombs.

And they laughed, the Tizzy Two laughed their asses off in Maryland at Magoobies in the green room. You got to do that. And they pumped me full of confidence and these twinks. Vin can't play in Timonium, Maryland. I mean, a joke's not going to hit. Magoobies is where everything gets tested out. I should have did it there. I did it here. Oh, you did it. I thought you did it in Magoobies.

Oh my God. It's my first time seeing them. They look way better than you usually yell at them. No one was drooling. I was like, oh, these guys look normal. No, they don't. They don't. Autistic people don't drool.

I didn't say they were retarded. Oh, okay. Sorry. I said they were autistic. It's the spectrum. They're not all drooling. Come on. They're not even autistic. They just do magic. Yeah. I think you have to be autistic to do magic. Is that a thing? Definitely. To be a magician? Yeah. There's two things you need. You need to be autistic and you need to be a pedophile. Yeah. Rampus too occasionally. Yeah, I have a theory. Rampus too occasionally. Yeah, yeah.

Kids, not women. Right. It's the difference. Yeah, yeah. They're like, I'll make the age of consent disappear. Yeah, so. I have a theory on why all magicians are autistic. You what?

I have a theory on why magicians are autistic. Why? When they're, they get into magic as a kid because they can't talk to people and they don't have to talk to people because they can do this card trick and And they'll be like, oh, oh, it covers for the personality and they grow up, they never learn to talk to people. Yeah, I can vouch for it, that's true. You could say comedy's light magic. This is like magic light.

We're not quite, we're a little autistic, not like magicians. Because most comedians date young girls. You can say shit. They could marry them too, come on. I know, they really do do like marrying young girls. No one gives him shit. Um, are you married?

I'm not married. No, no. Where are you from? I'm from Minnesota, Minnesota. You look like a tucky or something. I usually do not. I want to be clear. I never wore a camel head.

I'm trying it out today. This is a new me. I'm trying out in our uniform. I don't think, I think it's like stolen valor a little bit. I grew up in the suburbs. I'm what people hate about Brooklyn. I'll, I'll, I'll take that. You look like a redneck. I grew up in the suburbs. I'm what people hate about Brooklyn. I'll take that. You look like a redneck.

I look like her, but I am not at all. I'm a huge bitch who grew up in a dead-end cul-de-sac. You know what? I just bought a house in a cul-de-sac. Cul-de-sacs are sick. They're sick. It's the best place to grow up. Can I tell you?

It's like for a bite ramp. Yeah, you can play in the cul-de-sac. Oh, it's so fun. All my life, I wanted two things as an adult to give my son. A fridge with crushed ice and water. Fridge crushing its own ice, that's the end of technology, in my opinion. There was a guy in my neighborhood

who got crushed ice. He was like, he's a millionaire. It's an incredible thrill. His dad just sold windows. But I couldn't believe that you walk up to a fridge and get water, filtered water, and then get not just ice, crushed ice. If you got money, you get the Sonic ice. What's that?

Like the ice they give you at Sonic, the little... Oh, the real crushed ice. But no, they have like someone like little cubes, like it's like a peanut in there. You're making him feel bad about his crushed ice? I don't have it either. This is the greatest achievement of my life, You're like, well, there's more. We used to go to Sonic and buy the bagged ice and bring it home.

That's fucking ghetto. Can we have your ass? And a cul-de-sac. I knew a couple kids who lived in a cul-de-sac, because I always lived on a road with cars going by, playing a game, you had to stop, you had to move, you know what I mean? No one ever drives down our road.

Dude, a cul-de-sac is, it's like having your own park. We could play hockey in the street. Oh yeah, we played soccer in the street all the time. I'm so excited that I'm on a cul-de-sac. You're gonna have an incredible time. I finally made it. You made it. I have crushed ice.

And a cul-de-sac. And a cul-de-sac. That's the American dream. And that's all my dreams. I'm done. It's all just house money now. No, I don't want a bus and a tour and millions of dollars. I don't want to fucking get an award from Netflix.

I don't want a special on big things. I don't want any of that. I want a nice hot YouTube or a PunchUp.live special. And I want crushed ice. And I want a cul-de-sac. I'm done. What about the fridge with the carbonated water? I had that. Oh, really? I see that's too far.

That's defying God. It's a soda stream built in. Yeah. So you can make your own soda water, but here's the thing. I never used it. Yeah, you never used it. It's a good idea in theory, yeah. You don't need it.

Because you have to mix the stuff. Oh yeah. No, it's the step where you have to mix it. So you had to buy the little juices. Oh, No, the step where you have to mix it, so you had to buy the little juices. Oh, to make up there so you have a stock of it up there? No, so you'd get a cup, you'd fill it with crushed ice, great, go to the soda stream, hit soda, bang, then you had to get a little squeezy thing.

Oh, like orange flavor or something. Or just a little stream and it's straight, you know. You're drinking straight soda water from the refrigerator? I just like the burp. That's savage, that's sad. Yeah, you're a fucking crazy man. Little Tito's in straight soda water from the refrigerator? I just like the burp. That's savage. Yeah, you're a fucking crazy man. Little Tito's in refrigerator soda water.

Yeah, why not? You know what, if I drank alcohol, it would work. Yeah. Because then you just go up there and get your little man drink or whatever it is that you're drinking. But I drink like sparkling water all the time, like whether it's flavored or just straight.

I don't do it anymore. Yeah. No, when I got that surgery, we couldn't do it. Oh yeah. I couldn't ever do it. You couldn't have sparkling water? No sparkling water. What are you going to sing a song? I don't know why I thought that would be better to put in my lap. I'm trying to get the right position right here.

Turn your chair a little bit. I'm a midwest passive aggressive. Is this your first podcast? Yeah, I've never spoken before live. You're too used to holding the mic. Yeah, it works. It does work. You want to put your headphones on so you can hear yourself? No, no, I'll be good. I'm just a little high, a little jittery. So you're from Minnesota. Minnesota, Twin Cities. And so you're just a,

you're not a country dude. You're a... Not at all. Because you are. Yeah, well, I'm a Bayou boy. Are you from like the small town Bayou? I wonder why I did that. Yeah, I'm a Bayou boy. Are you from like the the small town? I wonder why I did that. Yeah, I'm from Bayou Little Sean Petten there. Yeah, I'm from a deep south Louisiana called Morgan City, Louisiana So like 20 miles from the Gulf and getting the great from the French part of Louisiana. That's Louisiana But oh like other part. Oh, yeah people like speak French still and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna you look like he is. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, you look like you. So funny, you look like he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you look like you should be. You're dressing like you played in a punk band

but you lived in a cul-de-sac. Yeah, you look like you should be yelling at a Jew in the street somewhere. I'm nice young. I look like I bailed Hay as a teenager, but I could never, I'm allergic to it. You look like you should be yelling at both of them. Yeah, yeah.

This book in America. Yeah. And how long have you been in New York for? I've lived in New York on and off for five, maybe five years. Really? I lived here for a period then during, right before COVID, I moved back to Chicago for like two years as well. Are you from Chicago? Like comedy? I started comedy in Wisconsin, then Chicago.

I started in Madison at Comedy on State. What was that? What the hell was that? I coughed. A little tism cough. I get it. I get it. We were in the car driving home. I've seen a lot of gross shit in my life. Oh no. What did he do? I've seen a girl discharge out of a vagina. Oh yeah. It looked like coffee grounds. I've seen crazy stuff. Yeah. This

kid sneezed. It was around, I don't know, one o'clock in the morning driving down to New York from Baltimore. He sneezed into his arm. Oh, his elbow pit and had and the stuff that came out of him. I almost I almost threw up colored like it wasn't. It was yellow. It was I think orange and it went all over him

and somewhere in my truck. I saw a nugget fly somewhere. You can't blame autism for that. No, that's just a gross human being. He's disgusting. You can't. That's not that's not a mental disease right there. You just can't blame a vaccine. Grossest thing ever.

Can you not make bodily noises? Yeah, there's always a vaccine. Grossest thing ever. Can you not make bodily noises? Yeah, there's always a, comics always have a home where they're from and then their comedy home. Right, right. I started Madison at comedy. You've been to Comedy on State, I'm sure. Comedy on State's the greatest. It's the best.

That's right. That's right. My first open mic was there. Now, has Comedy on State gotten a little woker, like the crowds? No, I don't think so. I mean, I went to college there, so, but it's the Midwest, it's Midwest woke. Right, well it's right downtown of the college.

Yeah, the area maybe is where the people come, no one under 25 really goes there. It's the best club in the world. It's amazing, they redid it. Have you been there since they redid it? They like busted down and made a whole new bar down there. The people that work there, all the guys that work there, and the girls who own it, and the family that owns it.

Oh, they're amazing. It's the Paraskevoulikos, or whatever, their long Greek name, they're amazing. It's because it ruined, then you're in, the next week you're like, ugh. Yeah, it ruined it. I started there, so I was like, we're opening for comics, we have no business opening for the first six months. Then I'd do Jokers with a Z in Milwaukee and just bomb my fucking ass off.

Jokers with a Z. If there's a Z, you know it's a bad club. Every time. I don't know why. You ever did Jokers? That's the worst club I've ever been. No, I've never done a Jokers. They used to have a Jokers in Connecticut. Oh yeah. But I think it was run by a mafia guys or something, or bikers. Right, yeah. And they would go once in a while. Oh, to, but it was I think it was run by a mafia guys or something bikers right? Yeah, and they would go Once in a while. Oh to watch you not me. I heard guy I would never played it

I would never do it. I'm not I'm not I don't need that pressure. I did a mob show once this guy I know Steven Steven Giorgio, uh-huh, you know Italian from sure and I knew I anytime an Italian calls you up and goes, what are you doing on Wednesday, the 10th? You go, I have stuff going on. Let me check my calendar. You have to give him the LA treatment.

You give him any open door he busts through your headlining? I go, dude, nothing, dude. What do you want to do? He's like, good, you got a gig at Ming's. I'm like, Ming's? He goes, the Chinese restaurant on Revere Beach. I go, that's been closed for 10 years. He goes, it's open now. Meet me there in a half hour. Is that on the north side of Boston? I think they still do stuff there.

No, that's Kowloon. Oh, that's Kowloon. This was a Chinese restaurant that was literally closed for 10 years. Tumbleweed's in the front. Gated. They had a fence around it. I drove by it all the time. It was closed. He goes, meet me there in 15 minutes, because I lived up the street. I go down there, it's open, the gate's open. Cadillacs filled it, walked in.

There was all Italian guys with wife beaters playing cards in the corner. I sit down, a guy named Moosey comes up. He's around eight feet tall, eight feet wide, walks up. I hope you're funny. He already knows I'm doing the gig. I agreed to it 15 minutes ago. I'm already doing it.

He sits me down, they bring out lasagna and Chinese food. They had the guy cookin' Chinese food but his mother made lasagna and food too. So I'm sittin' there, he goes, all right, Joe the barber just got out of federal prison and we're havin' a party here for him. So you are gonna do the stand up person. Now the wives are coming, not the girlfriends.

So you gotta have your shit together. You can't be too fucked up. I'm like, what? So then there was this kid I knew, Italian kid from Lynn. He sucked, wasn't good. Sure. Bombed all the time.

I go, I'll have him open. He'll bomb for fucking 15 minutes. They'll kill him. I'll go up and fucking murder. So I show up at the night of the gig. I come in. The place is howling laughing. I didn't know he had 15 on Italian.

Oh, he's just playing to, oh, my pandering to the room. A great, great idea. The guy Moosey walks out. He's like, this kid's fucking good. I hope you're better than him because this guy's great. They fucking, this kid murdered. He walks off with that. Their kid, fuck, they were getting up and making out with this kid. I walks off with that that kid oh yeah

fuck they were getting up making out with this kid I'm like hundreds in his pocket and once you once he starts with the Italian humor you can't go back to non-italian jokes well has to be all that's what they want no Italian exactly I'm Italian Irish yeah I didn't have any fucking guinea jokes I walk in I go on stage moose he grabs a chair like this turns it around and sits right up front just looks right at me and I'm like fuck I go on stage, Moussy grabs a chair like this, turns it around and sits right up front and just looks right at me. And I'm like, fuck, I start just,

I just instantaneously start, I had five uncles made fun of me my whole life. I started smashing this fucking oof. I took a risk, thank God everybody laughed. Oh, good. It was above him. They start laughing. And then I go, where's fucking Ming? This place's been closed.

And they go, he's in the kitchen! He's in the kitchen! He's in the kitchen! He loves the horses! Apparently he owned a horse. They shut it down because they used it as a laundry place or something. They bring out this old Chinese guy, and he's just like, hello.

And they put him on stage. I just smash Ming for another 30 minutes. I'm just trashing this poor guy because it's me or him. Wait, they just imprisoned him because he lost money on the ponies or something? Is that what you mean? Like he lost money on horse racing or something? They owned the place.

Oh, I thought he was like a gambling prisoner or something. You have to cook his Chinese food now. So he had to come back in and cook for the night. Oh my God. Yeah, what are you gonna do? That's beautiful, that's great. Italians are fucking the best. I miss the mafia. We didn't really have that in the Midwest

Yeah, an Italian present. You had a redneck you had the redneck Lutheran the calm Lutheran thing. Yeah Jello, Sam you have the you have the fucking woke thing now sure in in some parts. Yeah, this big Somali population in Minneapolis No, that's they woke. No. No, they're actually anti woke. They're very Yeah, they're right They it's crazy the right wing people hate them because they hate gay people too But didn't they just vote somebody in up there who's a Muslim and then as soon as he got in office He banned the gay flag. Oh that makes sense. Yeah, they don't know like they don't want to fly it on like Pride month or whatever Yeah, they won't that was Michigan Dearborn the Muslim city in Michigan. Yeah, it's a big Muslims

It's so funny that Dearborn, Michigan is most like the most Muslim place outside of the Middle East, I think. Yeah, it's like, it's like massive. It's where they make Ford. It's like where the Ford, like CEO lives, right? It's like a bizarre juxtaposition. It's a weird thing. And they, as soon as the guy got his, he had no gay flags. Yeah. We're like, fuck all the like white leftist who voted for them. Like, fuck, we got duped. We thought if they're brown, they like gay people. No, no, no, no, we tricked you. Not that brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're from the South, and you don't like anybody. No, I'm very, I'm like. You're as woke as they come. No, I don't have to say woke. I'm a good dude. You're a good man. Yeah. A good rural leftist guy. Nothing better than that.

I don't belong in Louisiana. Like it's just... You really don't. No, I don't. No, you don't. Me and my wife, we're having that discussion right now. Oh, really? Yeah, you're community people. We both... My wife hates people, but we just don't... We hate the racist and the clothes. Yeah, we've been there our whole lives. Never lived anywhere else. Stayed within an hour of our home. Has it gotten better? No, our governor just passed a law

that you now have to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. A massive thing. It has to be like a large sign. And you've got to put a paragraph underneath it. Yeah, that is crazy. The Ten Commandments, but here's the thing with the Ten Commandments. They are that is crazy. Well, the Ten Commandments, but here's the thing with the Ten Commandments.

They are all good things. Sure. Yeah, sure. They should just not make it the ten. Yeah. Everything is don't fucking neighbor. Yeah. That's just reorder them and don't use the Bible word for word. Yeah, just make a make a secular. And then add, add, add, add an 11th and leave the gays alone.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'll leave the gays alone. Maybe, yeah. Add a leave the gays alone. Maybe ask for consent. What are the 10 commandments? Can you read that, Danny? Do you have the 10 commandments? Let's see which ones we don't agree with. And also, we should come up with more 10 commandments.

Like more. I agree with a couple more. We can come up with 15. Let people smoke weed. Let's add that one, too. I think that's not bad. I don't agree with this. Smoking weed has been, I mean, they've smoked tobacco and.

Yeah, but it's not legal in Louisiana to smoke weed. No, we have medical now. Oh, you have medical now? Okay, okay. Yeah, they finally realized- They pretty much paved. Yeah, they can make money off of it. They figured out how do we make money off of it.

All right, here we go, 10 Commandments. So tell me, let's go for the first one. Read the first one. You shall not have no other gods before me. Okay, that one, that's a weird one. I'm sorry, have you seen how we treat Trump? Like that is, like he's on, like people spray paint their trucks.

Right, well he is an idol, that's so funny. Yeah, but he's a thing though. Whatever your god is, you can take that. It's like a white woman in Taylor Swift, that's her god. She's worshiping an idol. Don't put anybody before Taylor Swift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pick one person, then that's your pantheon.

It doesn't say which god to pick. Bobby, you're my god. What? You're my god. Thank you, Danny. A little suck up, we love that. Kill yourself. Can I open for you next week?

What is number two? You shall not make idols. Okay, well that goes... Okay, well American Idol's out. Yeah. I don't mind that. I don't mind that one. Don't honor the founding fathers anymore. Stop them. There you go. You can take out gods, right?

I think that's good. That's good. What's the third, Danny? You shall not use the Lord's name in vain. Okay, well who wants to scream out, Taylor Swift. Oh, I do. That's the one my mom is, she's pretty religious. If you say, oh, God, or Lord, she gets really mad. That's the one she really likes.

She's like, don't say that, Jeffrey. Still, it's embarrassing. My son would be, God damn it. And I only tell him that because my grandmother was so Catholic. Me too, yeah. Grandmother's listening. And I use it as control. Right. Just to make him not swear in public. But God damn it.

I mean, my mom was always like, you wouldn't say, Allah damn it. Would you? OK, that's her. That's her. Which makes no sense. Not in front of them. Yeah. And I'm like, she has a point. I'm not going to Dearborn and like, Allah damn it. He does have a damn point. Yeah. Yeah. Devastate in front of them. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, she has a point. I'm not going to Dearborn and like, Allah, damn it. He does have a damn point. Yeah. Yeah. Devastate in front of somebody.

One of those guys. Yeah. Put a picture of him on the wall. I'm not saying Yahweh. Damn it. And Jerusalem. Yeah. We're Buddha. Damn it. Buddha. Damn it. Yeah, exactly. What's another God? Who's another guy? Zeus. Damn it. Zeus. Damn it. Shiva. Shiva. Who's Shiva? I don't know. Oh, Shiva and Hinduism. Yeah. Yeah. Shiva. Damn it. Vishnu. Yeah. Lady with the seven arms. I think that Shiva. Yeah, yeah Shiva damn it Vishnu. Yeah lady with the seven arms I think that Shiva. Yeah the destroyer. What's the fourth fourth is remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy Okay, here's change it to the weekend. We yeah, keep the weekend holy We can't holy and and it is holy to all of us. We have the weekends off most people have the weekend comics That's our work weekend. The weekends are holy

Most people have the weekend comics, that's our work weekend. The weekends are holy. Yeah, the weekends are a holy weekend. So I'm not, we're having them before and I'm all right with all these. I don't mind these being in the schools so far. What's five? Honor your father and your mother.

I have a child. That one I agree with. Do you have a kid? I do not, no, no, no. But I think you honor one, you have to honor one of them. What about that? How's this?

They don't both get it. They don't both, there's always one that fucks up. That's true. You only honor one of them. What about that? How's it? They don't both get it. There's always one that fucks up. You only honor one of them. You gotta pick. Ah, because that's gonna be me. He's not gonna pick. What about honor your father and or your mother? I think that's the idea.

And or you're stepdad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I say we make that number one. Let's make that number one. So far I would agree. I say we make number five number one and or your mother. There you go. I think there we go. I think there we go.

Okay, there we go. What's number six? Six, you shall not murder. I mean guys, this is... I mean... That one I'm actually less against than any. We've all thought about murder once or twice. We've all contemplated.

It does not say, don't think about it. You can think and plan murder. You shall not follow through on murder. Number two, we make that number two. You can think it, just don't do it. I. And just put murder at the end. You can maim. No, no, no. You can maim. Maybe a little maim. That might be another one. That's a flesh wound or something. Yeah, you can hurt, but don't murder. How's that? Number seven, Danny. Number seven, you shall not commit adultery. That's a good one. Yeah.

Yeah, I kind of agree with that one. I agree. I agree. I'm a big on relationship. All right, I say it. I'm not a guy who has enough opportunities to commit adultery, so I think that's easy for me. I'm going to say this.

I'm going to take from number six, you can think it and jerk off to it. Yes, yes. Oh, god. Danny. I think he's doing number six. Danny. Sneezing in the corner. Danny, I think he's doing number six. Danny.

Sneezing in the corner. Danny, I sneezed and I held it in. He did a very quiet, polite sneeze. I saw that. Did you hear Joe go, oh, God. Did some snot come out? I'm fucking trapped here. Oh, no.

All right, so I say we make five, number one, six, number two, seven, number three, but again, you can think it. You can think it, then you go home, you can think it you can think it then you go home you can jack off and then it's fine let's leave the jack off no we can't do that okay I'm trying to push boundaries you can think it and then let them imagination go sure whatever happens happens don't commit it don't yes I agree what's this I also think we shouldn't use the word adultery we should update that don't fuck what don't fuck it. Don't do pedophilia. Yeah, we should add that one

Don't do magic Don't become a magician that can be number one. Don't become a magician or a counselor in the Boy Scouts How's that? Yeah, all right number eight number eight. You should not steal perfect. Leave it Unless it's from like a major corporation. You can steal from Whole Foods. That's cool. We've all reached. With grocery prizes, you can steal a little bit. Okay, so here's the deal. Self-checkout.

We check it. You shall not steal except from a major corporation. From a major corporation and only every once in a while. In times of need. Yeah, and in any grocery, those little candy bins when they have candy. Oh, you steal, yes. You can take a freebie. You can take a fish food. Absolutely. I say that's number four. And in any grocery those little candy bins when they have candy. Oh you still yes, you can get free be I said that's number that's number four now if that's summer for then I'm going I stole a lot in high school Okay, we sold way too much. Well, you're going to hell. I am

Number nine you should not bear false witnesses against your neighbor Does that mean like don't lie basically? What does that mean Barry? I don't know false witnesses exactly Can you get it? Can you get a can we get a ruling on that? You know Bible definition? It's lying means don't lie. All right, listen. Yeah makeup like And your name is enough talking about the guys on the other side of you They're talking about all of the human don't lie your fellow me. Hey Let's change it. Don't lie. No big lies What do you little lie? You little lie. You tell your wife the

cooking's great. You know. You look great honey. That's a white lie. We do this. You can little lie but no big lies. Yes. Yeah. I think that's good. Now that, okay here we go. What's number ten? You should not covet. What? Is that from Count of the Lambs? I don't know what that means. Is that like you don't want to let, you're not jealous of other people's stuff, kind of? Yeah, that's what I think. I think that's the other problem with the 10 Commandments

is it's old language. Right. Okay, so we change it. Don't be jealous of Burke Kreischer. Yeah. Don't feel jaded. Yeah. Don't feel jaded of Matt Reif.

Let him do his thing. I'd be burning in hell for that I got a tough problem with that one. Come on Yeah, I agree. I agree. All right. No jealousy I say we take the last five make him the top the top the the the five six seven eight nine ten Go right up front. We take one two three move them to the back one two three littler type They're not as important to me. Well, two, three, littler type. They're not as important to me.

Well, the Lord one will make smaller, because that's your Lord. Yeah. Idols, yeah, I think. And then we switch it up. Now, that's not bad. You can hang that. That's a moral compass, my friend.

Yeah, we can do a secular version. Do you add any more? Yeah. Are there what? Do you add any more? Do we add any more? Sure. I think.

I got this. Don't do a podcast if it's if your podcast is bigger What do you mean so if it's not gonna help you oh By the way, thank you for doing our podcast We're dying down here We're dying down here. We're dying up here. If you have fewer patrons than you, you can't do it. Yeah, if you have fewer patrons than me.

Yeah, we'll write you a note. How about this one? How about this one? Don't jerk off with shampoo. Oh. Or soap. Or pee in the tub? I've never done that, I don't think.

Pee in the tub. I was going back to when I was a kid. No, pee in the tub. You can pee in the tub. That's great. We all do that. That's how I got the soap in the bird. What about you have to let the feature sell merch?

If you're headlining. You gotta let the feature sell merch. That's a feature. I think you gotta let them sell their little koozies or whatever. I hope next time you're headlining the guy has a suitcase full of shit. And then I'll be like, oh fuck, I did say this on a podcast. Yeah, a guy selling frisbees. Actually, I know a guy who does. They're good, actually. But yeah.

I know a guy who he showed up one time. I think it was in Texas. He had bracelets. Oh, no. He had three different shirts. Like Livestrong arrow bracelets? Yes. Oh, wow.

He had bracelets with his jokes on them. He had shirts, three different shirts, with three different jokes on them. He had hats. And he had keychains. So he says whole act on merch? It's like 45 minutes on merch. So at the end of the show, I had my dumb CD, which I was so proud of.

And by the time people got to me, they were just holding shit. They were like, dude, I got no more money. Was he the feature? Yeah, feature. Oh, you get one. You get one type of merch. What's Dusty Slay?

I remember the first time I did a show with him in Tempe. I showed up. You got to go up these big stairs, like two staircases to go up into the club. And I didn't know who the fuck he was. And he's just, you know, he's sitting there with his hat and his hair. And he's like, he's got this suitcase this big. He goes, yo, you mind if I sell merch, and I was like yeah I fucking I mean you was selling it anyways

Yeah, you lugged fucking 70 pounds of merch up two flights of stairs. It has to happen now Yeah, what am I gonna do make you take it back to your car? What was it trucker hats I bet? No, no, he actually was a sweet guy about it, but I don't I don't I used to care about that I don't give a fuck anymore. Let them make their money. I had a guy make more money than me one weekend. Listen to me. This guy, he sold, they gave him these tickets. So if you get a ticket, you get two free tickets. So anybody who bought his merch, you get a free ticket.

So people walking up, buying all his shit, he made $3,500. I think I made $2,800. They didn't even want the merch. They just wanted the tickets. Then he went to the casino the night before and won $2,000. This guy did 20 minutes. Like, you give me 20% of your merch sales. You should get 20% of that. Make that a commandment. Yeah. Headliner gets a commandment.

The feature console merch of the headliner gets 20% off the top. You're a venue now. Commandment 12. Yeah. There we go. How about this? I got this one.

Your wife should show you her tits on command. As long as it's not illegal and in public, she has to show you her tits. No, in public. In public. She's got to sneak a nip. She's got to sneak a nip out. He's so American. It's just tits.

That's true. You go to Europe, they whip tits out all the time. Nobody cares about tits. Isn't there a woman now on Instagram going topless at all the New York tourist places for body positivity and she's like some people are mad and it's cuz she's like not that hot she's like kind of hot yeah she's got donut tits yeah it's like we want more we want better well it's funny that you do this country's so so scared of tits and pussy and nakedness then when we see it we

flip the fuck yeah we like British TV they get naked since the 80s. They've been like, it doesn't matter. Yeah, they don't give a shit. Like down where you're from. Yeah, you pull a boob out the breast feed. Oh is that a thing? Unless it's in New Orleans and everybody's shit faced and the Saints just won. You gotta throw a bead while you're feeding your baby. It's like a fair game. You gotta make the bead over the baby. While the baby's suck throw a bead while you're feeding your baby. Like, OK. Like a fair game.

You got to make the bead over the baby. While the baby's suckling the milk. Or on the nipple. What a fucking weird tradition you guys created. Throwing plastic beads, and the girls will show you tits. And then every store you go in, you get a t-shirt, and you can buy beads to see tits. Yeah.

What the fuck? I've never been doing it. So you give the tits, and then people flash, or the beads, and then people flash you? Yeah, the fuck? I've never been doing. So you give the tits and then people flash or the beads and then people flash you. Yeah. I've never been there before. The girls get on the balcony and then they flash and then the people throw them beads for.

Wow. And it's like whoever gets the most beads kind of thing. No, you still don't. No one cares. What do you do with the beads when it's done? Do you throw them away? Yeah, yeah. Pounds of beads.

You try to recycle it and then that's it. So yeah. You can actually sell them You probably could my mom is usable tourist in our town. We we have several used beads Yeah, there's come all over them Warehouses of and you just you buy beads all 365 if you want this warehouse is full of beads. That's like an industry Yeah, that's what they were looting after Katrina just wheelbarrowing beads out. It's weird I was in parades when I was a kid and like my grandpa was like all the Mardi Gras he

was always a king or something like that and he would give me all his his shit and you take him throw and I'll go through at the house I keep all the Superballs I'll keep like little nerf things you know. What is the beads from I don't understand where did that originate from? It's it's something to probably do with riches or something because the colors of Mardi Gras, you know, so lies are the rich and prosperity and it's tied into religion and all that.

So there's like a big Mardi Gras nuance. They're like Mardi Gras in the little cities. Like every little town has their own Mardi Gras. So I'm in Lafayette. That's huge. That's it's like almost like everyone has a county fair kind of. Yeah. So I don't do any shows around Mardi Gr Gras like maybe the first the first Friday or Saturday before it starts I would love a good a Lafayette Mardi Gras that'd be a smaller city. I just googled this turns out starting in 2025

You need a permit to have beads What? Marty has announced it would not oh no, never mind. You don't need to permit. You're just not allowed in 2025 Marty grow announced it would not permit ride riders to throw plastic beads in 2020. Here's the thing No way to stop that. You know what it is. They don't want tits out anymore If you think of 15 years ago girls gone wild Yeah on TV just tits on TV commercials years ago, girls gone wild on TV, just tits on TV, commercials for tits, girls gone wild.

It was basically girls- Underage gone wild. Just fucking losing their mind, ripping their tits out and sex and all that stuff. And that was what Mardi Gras was known for. That's what New Orleans was known for. And now I don't think you can whip your tits out anymore. What's like, you can't go to Pornhub now in all these states now. You gotta like say you're

21 or 18. Is Louisiana one of them? Louisiana, Texas. It is, yep. They're like banning porn. Yeah, I know, because I had to jerk off in that hotel. Yeah, I mean, as I say, you always gotta have a burner rigged account. Well, you have to upload your ID or something. Some verification thing. You have to go to verification.

Verification. The government will know what, I guess they already know what porn you're watching, but now they really know. But you have to get off, you can go on, yeah, no, yeah, there's a thing that says I am 18 or I'm not. It's so porny. There's no point of that. You have to just say, okay. But it's PornHub removing the access to it by states because once these states put these in there pornhub says, okay

We're not oh, they're like we don't want to fuck around You can't you can't watch all porn anymore. You can't you know, you can't go into the genre search and interracial is gone No, that was back. They've gone back. You can't type hostage Hostage porn is out kidnap porn gone. gone. Dang. What has this country come to? That should be a commandment. Don't take away kidnap porn. Commandment... was it 14 or 14? I think 13 or 14.

Uh, porn of choice. Whatever porn you want as long as they're of age. There we go. We should take that off. Look, having a kid now though, I do miss When we you know the Pledge of Allegiance, I love that we were brought up like with America Do they not say the Pledge of Allegiance anymore at school? They still do it. Yeah, some schools don't we did as kids

I it was they still like will write you up if you didn't stand or you know Oh, I can't even imagine bullying in Louisiana. Yeah you like I stand with I kneel with Kaepernick. I can't imagine what would happen to you as well. No, it's oh, no. So you see, so they write you up like a ticket. Yeah, no, no, like in like a referral office referral. Not like talk about the kids in the schools of patriotism. Like you get detention or, you know, something like that.

You get 10. They're like, you got to join the army. Yeah, better than what they do in China. Oh, they kill you. Tension or you know something like that you get ten they're like you got to join the army Better than what they do in China. Oh, they kill you Got it. You got it. You got it. You got some anthem. Yeah, so yeah, there's no more There's no more God in school except up here. There's another I went to Catholic schools that we had we had got all I went I got kicked out of Catholic school Catholic school is a little too much because we had to go to church I loved that because Glenn classes were shorter that day. Yeah, you get 90 minutes of just sitting there. Church was great. My favorite part of church is when you know it's over. Yeah.

When he gives that final... The closing song. And they do that closing song. What is that song? I forget. I mean, we did Re Su Si To, I remember. How's that go? It's like this Hispanic... I don't know why, but... Hispanic? It was an all-white church, but it was say, it's like this Hispanic, I don't know why, but. Hispanic? It was an all white church when it was in Spanish, resucito. I don't know why. What? It was like us trying to be like, we don't hate Hispanic people. No, it wasn't Spanish, but that was like us being like, we don't want Hispanic people

at our church, but we'll sing their songs. That's like. No, when you got the bread, you knew that when you were going up for the body of Christ, when that line started and the, you know and the sinners got on their knees and couldn't go get the body of Christ, you knew that it was over. It was done. You were going to do the whole thing. And when it was all done, then he gave his little rise. And then he'd think, all right, go in peace. He's like, thank you. Did you get the cracker or a hunk of bread? I got the cracker. Good. We never got the hunk of bread. But I remember when they introduced the wheat the little the little chunks

That was oh It was like yeah, it was kind of like it was instead a little crispy wafer It was like a little chunk like eating like a wheat crouton. I was just made He's got croutons a little Caesar's they got a little oil you can dip it in I went to a Baptist church up on 97th or somewhere once. And they had wonder bread. This had regular bread. And they blessed it. A priest blessed it.

It's the body of Christ. And then they came with these little cups of wine. But I'm a recovering alcoholic. So I'm sitting there, I'm panicking and my friend was like, dude, I can't drink wine. I can't drink wine. I can't drink wine. And they gave everybody a glass of wine. So you had the blood of Christ too, which was wet because Catholics, we don't do that. He get the priest gets the blood.

Oh, we would drink it sometimes. Oh, I never got it. Oh, Catholic Boston, you get the bread. Your old school. Yeah. Priest would get, and he made wiping the napkin. I remember he would always fold the, get the napkin, and then he would take it and fold it perfectly,

and then wipe his mouth. I was like, wow, he's so classy. They would always take a big gulp when I saw them take it. They're like, they want you to know, like, I party. I drink in my time off. Yeah, and then you see him just give a little to the Alder boy. Yeah.

Take a little, you're gonna need this. Did you have to give your friend your wine? Like, you got to double shot it? I was sitting there holding my wine. He took his sip. He goes, it's grape juice. I don't think I'll. It was just holy grape juice.

That's a classic. Yeah, I don't mind church, though. I love church. No, I don't mind. And that's the thing is that I think I'm going to stop bringing Max to church. Yeah, just to have some type of... It's a fun community.

It's just a moral compass. It's a spirituality. There's nothing wrong with most of those. He's gonna do something though. You know him. What's that? He's just gonna cut up in there. He's like my kid.

Like they have that same personality. Oh dude, I used to, we used to, my friend and I used to love fart church. Yeah. I remember we let a dog in once. This fucking crazy golden retriever that was always around the neighborhood running around. We let him in the church and he was like, you! You! Oh my god, just as everyone running around trying to catch him. There was just one guy trying to get him but he was old and he couldn't get him. We just see the dog go and then the guy would walk by. And then the dog would go.

Everyone's just reciting the Nicene Creed while this dog is running amok. Laughing in church was the fucking funnest thing ever because you couldn't stop. Once you went, one, once one thing was, it's like laughing at a funeral. Priests also have the easiest audiences. If a priest drops like the worst joke,

the crowd loses their minds. They a priest drops the worst joke, the crowd loses their minds. They're like, Jesus coming back? That's kind of like a touchdown. Everyone loses their minds. Go Vikings, am I right? Or something like that. They would always do that. Try to be cool. I've been to services way back in the day where they're like, and we got to end because this game is coming on. Always, yeah. They had to end by noon because that's when the Vikings game started. I joined the Baptist Church when I was in junior high, high school,

because I was Catholic, you know, but we weren't like devoted. But I joined the Baptist Church because all my friends were there. And it was fun. I get to join. Yeah, I was going to church three times a week. We'd have ice cream parties. I like ice cream. Three times a week? Three times a week. Yeah. And twice on Sunday, a Wednesday night, I was doing choir and all that. Does the priest have enough to do three sermons a week? No. Is he repeating

material? It was just different. Yeah, just different things. You know, that's a that's like prolific. Yeah. We can't do that much time. He's doing forty five new a week. Three sermons. That was a lot. That was the last time I attended because we had the priest all they did. It was just podcasting. Yeah, it is. It was just, he walked by a bird and it flew up and then he went and he goes, I was walking down the street today. Yeah, yeah. And a bird.

The bird was a metaphor for the soul of the damned or something. It's all the fucking made up bullshit stories. Well, they stream now and get millions of viewers. That's great. My parents go to a church that they stream it and stuff. Because of the pandemic. Well, yeah, it's because of the pandemic,

but now they keep doing it. Like five locations watch this one guy on like VR or like stream it virtually. I miss the guys that were on late night TV, like Benny, what was his name? Like the 700 Club and stuff like that. But they went, they started doing the guy with the, he had a prayer cloth.

Oh. And he would do his thing and he would, he would this, if you right now, if you can, if you do bring up prayer, these guys were on late night TV and they were so, one guy had a comb over that was worse than fucking Trump's and it was just this Benny something and he would flip the fuck out. It was so interesting to watch these guys because you know people are watching these guys buying into all of it. Pastor Benny Hinn? Yeah Benny Hinn. Wow. Which is crazy. I bring him up. He's fucking crazy. And are they is he selling a product too? I feel like they're always selling a product. The Lord. You had to give your prayer donation. Oh yeah. I need a Learjet to

praise the Lord or something like that. They're always like, we got to get a car for the community. I like the guy they started overdubbing the farts on. What's that? He was a preacher and he would close his eyes like to pray and then they just put a fart on there. Yeah, that's greatest. There's an amazing Instagram called preachers and sneakers where they take pictures of all

their outfits and then post how much they cost. I guess these preachers wearing $5,000 Balenciaga shoes and stuff. It's amazing. That's the best part of the internet. Yeah, I love that. You know, like that type of shit. Like a very niche thing that you agree with.

Yeah, and then you gotta watch some guy's parachute not open. It's like, I don't wanna see that. Yeah. Just like, woo, and then just say no. And just a poof, like the wildy coyote. Stuff videos, I don't want that Oh, man, there are I don't I people have shown them be like you hear see a guy in Iraq get his head blown off

Something like that. Yeah, like the decapitation. Oh god It's always like an in India in a market a guy just unloads on an AK-47 and kills three people Yeah, I hate that was some guy snaps his leg. Yeah You know, I can't watch you have a twisted friend who sends it like but you'll love this and it's so short I can't not watch it. I did send a friend of mine once that I regret I sent him an old lady's huge labia I Can't get it out of my head Literally said dude, I'll never unsee that now you piece of shit and he's right

I still think of it to this day. And I'm sure he does, and I feel bad for him. Were you in the Lemon Party generation? I got that yesterday. Yeah, Lemon Party was the one. The comic I'm with sent me that. I was like, how was your set? And then I get a notification, it's the fucking Lemon Party.

Wait, was Lemon Party the old guys fucking? Yeah, okay, there was Meatspin too. That was just like Dix in a circle. Yeah, I don't know. Blue Waffle. That was a good one. Blue Waffle was the worst. What was that one? Oh, you don't know blue waffle. Yeah, it was like an infected ladies Crazy two girls one cup. Yeah, I never watched that. I can't I know that sounds that's the fact that we're so fucked up as a society That that like, you know

Like we won't do a go fund me for a little kid with cancer I know like nobody will retweet that but everybody retweeted and lost their minds over two girls shitting into a cup and Eating it. They probably made a lot of money doing that too. They made probably did it millions. Really? Yeah Wow, good good then they had they had one guy one jar I've never seen that but I've heard descriptions and I won't watch it. What happened in that one? Dude, he stuck a jar in his ass and it broke. And then he started bleeding into the jar.

It's like, what the fuck are we doing now? That's amazing. Yeah, when we did Faces of Death, you had to find it. I saw it at the movies. What? Yes. You wonder why the South is messed up. Before the internet, I remember they were showing it it was a midnight feature and we're like hell

Yeah, and sitting there and I remember I remember I this is my favorite part They were it was a there were a certain family eating a dog Cutting up puppies or whatever and it may been like face death three or four and so on the back says look honey They're walking the dog and that was yeah and now they're crowing crazy yeah it was great it was like that was fun it was more that's that was the one with the orchestra also failed the stage collapse and all the orchestra people died and everything i don't think i've seen these is it just a collage of people oh yeah they have like they have a one guy they they had a monkey and they were they ate its brain live so they they put it in a thing where its head was there and then they cut the skin off of there and then they tap the skull with a hammer and they peel it back and then they eat the monkey's brain.

While it's like dying, it's like screaming. It wasn't dying. I don't think you need your brain to live. I think you need your heart. I think it was just stupider. It was dumb. They like lobotomized it and turned it into dinner. Yeah, it went from this, yay, yay, yay, to Danny. Now he's a magician. Now he's producing my podcast. Yeah.

Oh my God. There's that horse guy too. Guy who died getting fucked on a horse. Yeah, that was just- I mean, John? No, sorry. John. The horse thing was fucked up because I don't think they calibrated.

That's one of those things where you think about it, but then you don't think it all the way like you don't think every scenario Yeah, you know I mean where it's like. Oh, you didn't think the horse would be into it Like that into it like that horse was like oh fucking yeah, and then he went and he did one Horse pump yeah, and it went into his kidney and hit his heart and then the guy died He probably felt good though at the end. He's like this horse likes me. He's been waiting his whole life for a horse to want to fuck him. And now there's like this horse is into it. The hard part I don't even think the guy went ouch.

Did it actually hit his heart? Is that actually what happened? It went into his organs. Oh my god. It fucked up his organs. It went too far up. I bet that horse is bragging to all of his friends. He's like oh you think you got a big cock? I killed a guy. Gay pride whatever whatever, dude. That horse is actually leading the Pride Parade.

Yeah, yeah. That's real pride. Nay pride. B, bestiality. There we go. Because I remember I worked in this house with six retarded Eldemans. I lived with them.

And there was another house across town. And I would do overnights there on Saturday nights. If I didn't have a show, I'd work there for extra money. And the guy that was there, great guy, friendly guy, we were friendly, and he was a gay guy. And I was looking for the remote one night. We were gonna watch, I think Howard Stern on Channel 9. That's how Alongo was.

And a lot of times you would have the remote in his room because he lived there, like I lived in the other house, he lived here. So I went into his room looking for the remote and I went with my friends, you know, all alpha male dudes from Boston and we're going to watch Stern and if I can see some hard stuff that he used to do. And there was a duffel bag and I opened the duffel bag and there was just the biggest dildos. There was one with a hand like this. It was like that. But it was like my arm, like a regular guy arm.

Jesus. And the logistics of some of it defies the imagination. Like, you know, I mean, look. Good for them. Good for them. I'm glad, it's not for me, but yeah. I mean, I was, I held it up. I'm like, guys. And this was early 2000s Boston. You're like, this is like, dildos aren't, there are many. That's like a wild thing back then. Well, not like magic hand dildos.

You know, this thing was like about to do a trick. Oh, I don't think I've seen that. Yeah, it was, the fingers were like this. I think it's to kind of. It was like a fisting kind of? Yeah, it was a fisting. Oh, a fisting dildo. If I was into getting my ass plunked,

I'd probably get up to that level. For sure. That's a pro level. That's a pro level. You work your way up to that. You don't start with that one. No, you don't start with that. But I mean, once you get to a pro level, you're like, all right, time to move up to a hand.

The people at FistFest have those. Oh yeah, FistFest. We're trying to go to FistFest. What's FistFest? Where is that? I saw the shirt. I mean, I can imagine what it is, but where is it? It's just... Well, it's a festival for saw the shirt. I mean, I can imagine what it is, but where is it? It's just...

Well, it's a festival for fisting. In Augusta, Georgia. It's in Augusta, Georgia. Augusta. Really? Yeah, they have a hotel and we called and we're going to try to go. Augusta's very like, they wouldn't even let black people play golf and now they're having a fist festival.

The world is changing, my friend. That's right, the world is changing. The world is changing. They just let women in the mask. There's no more tits in Mardi Gras, but you can stick your fist in somebody in Georgia. Holiday Inn in Georgia. If you don't think that America is progressing,

then you are out of your mind. That's true. Yeah, you look like a redneck, he is a redneck. Yeah, yeah, you can just be whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. It's all virtue signaling. It's all in valor, yeah. Because, I mean, the thing about having the stuff

with the kids in the schools, though, I don't think it does matter if you have, because kids are going to be kids. Yeah. You know, I had all that shit in my school, and I wound up banging young. It's all up to the parents. You mean you had all what in school?

I had the Ten Commandments. I went to school. Yeah. I mean, there were still prayers. You're going to rebel. You're going to rebel against it. Yeah, you're going to... If you don't have the at-home education from your parents...

Yeah, you could be a dummy. It doesn't matter what they teach you in school. It's not like you're looking up there every morning going like, check, check, check. The way to protect your kids is to raise a loser. Then they won't have sex. I didn't have sex in high school. I was a loser. I was a nerd. It didn't matter how much I wanted to. I just didn't have it. Why? When did't have sex. I didn't have sex in high school. I was a loser. I was a nerd

It didn't matter how much I wanted to I just didn't have it. Why you didn't have when did you have sex? I was like 24 25. I'm sorry. What did you say? 25 yeah, yeah, I was a huge I was kind of a nerds a socially awkward guy. Yeah Well, I don't understand. How did you get out of did sex make you because you seem very I see outgoing now Did I first time you come the real you get out of it? Did sex make you, because you seem very outgoing now. Did the first time you cum, the real you popped out? You went, dad! I'm like, oh shit, I can look people in the eye sometimes. No, okay. I had to cum in her eye in order to look people in the eye.

And she had to spit it back in your mouth. Yeah, it was a weird ritual we had to do. Yeah, your own cum got you out of your shell. Yeah, maybe if Danny came more, he wouldn't sneeze so much. He's sneezing. He's sneezing up cum because he won't let it out. He's overflowing.

When did you have sex for the first time? Oh, boy. I was on an Allstate Baptist choir trip. That's hot. Yeah, it was. Shout out Tiffany. Ooh! Holodome in Lafayette.

I didn't live there. On the playground. You fucked on the playground? How old were you? I think I was right at 16. It was this Allstate Baptist group from all over the state. We would tour all over. We just did a concert singing it to the Lord. We went back to this Holiday Inn. And she's like, let's go to the playground.

And that was it. Was everyone fucking? I feel like that's the time We didn't see anyone really other than the security guard. But yeah, but yeah right there and she Yes, well when we finished she said you think you can go again and I was like, okay And then we heard what a slut with the sick. Oh, I thought the security guard He's like, can I watch you again? Guys I came in right at the end of that. You're running that back for me. You're doing pretty good, kid.

Let me give you a couple tips. Don't go circular. In and out. And do me a favor. Eat her puss a little bit. Get it wet. Last more than a minute. But no, on the playground. She wanted to go again? Yeah, and she said she was a virgin. It took me two years later. I was like, no, she's not.

No virgin goes, hey, can we run that back on my badge? Yeah no. That's amazing for you. Did you do it on the ground or on the ground? Yeah. Really? I thought you were on a swing. I remember everything I was wearing. What were you wearing? I was wearing a button-up LSU baseball jersey and I was wearing cut off blue jean shorts probably jabos and zecafereches because I was cool. Yeah. And I probably had a little stupid hat on. What was she wearing? Do you remember?

Nothing. Nothing. Oh, you all got nothing? Oh, OK. OK. Yeah. That she might be in the band outfit or something. Oh, and then she made me put her panties in my pocket

and give her to her the next day. I'm like, but we're at your hotel room right here. Wow. It was a little ritual. Huh? Why? I think it was a power thing. It worked.

She said, yeah. Because I had to go back to my room and go, dude. And like. Oh, you told all the boys right away. Yeah. Oh boys right yeah oh yeah so it was a trophy yeah you wanted she wanted to let the other guys know yeah he got it is that like 16 candles he comes back with the yeah the Chinese a lot of rapes yeah so 24 25 honestly she Sure, sure, sure. That'll happen. So 24. 24. Who was she? Mine was 25, honestly. She was a Ukrainian refugee, actually.

She was like, when she fled, her family moved in the early 90s, but she was like, she had a heavy Ukrainian accent. She spoke English perfectly fine, but she had a heavy accent. She was actually really cool, honestly. But then we had sex, and she was like, you're a virgin, aren't you? And then we never spoke again. So how did it come about? We went on like seven dates way too long.

Was she in college? She was in like grad school, I think, yeah. She was like 22, I was like 25. What were you, in college? No, I was like starting comedy, 25, I think. So she saw you at a show? No, she didn't. No, it was Hinge, I think, maybe, or Tinder,

I can't remember. It was like right when Dating Apps started, like 20. So you jumped right on. Yeah, yeah didn't. No, it was Hinge, I think, maybe, or Tinder. I can't remember. It was like right when Dating Apps started in like 2015. So you jumped right on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you hooked up with a Ukrainian girl. Yeah, it was great. It was amazing. So you went out with her, where'd you bang?

Her apartment, her apartment, yeah, yeah. We watched Zootopia and then had sex. Oh my god. Watched a little. I watched that with my kid when we cry. It's a great movie, movie is a great movie. You fucked with a hot rabbit. I think we waited till the end, but maybe the rabbit got me going.

It's the only way with actions that fucking nerd can fuck. Yeah. With animation reminds you of Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. You know, gets you going. Yeah. That was the one with the rabbit and the fox. Yes, it was a hot cut. It was like a metaphor for racism or whatever and we're fucking during it. Yeah.

Wow. It was not great. I'm sure for her. Did you do cumzies? You wanna know? I'll be really open. The first time we tried to have sex, I came on the way in.

I didn't even make it. I was like about to enter and I laid down covering fire. I came on the way on the entry. You pre-soaked. I pre-soaked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So you, it was embarrassing. So you got so excited you jizzed away. I was too excited. I was like, oh no way, I'm like, I'm gonna have sex. And then, when then we actually had sex the next night, my friends were like, that didn't count. Yeah. We decided that I think that didn't count. No, you have to put it in. You have to go across the goal. Yeah, that's called jerking on a vagina.

Yeah. If you, if they threw the red flag, it'd be like he didn't fuck. Put that on, commandment 15. Yeah, you have to cross the vaginal line. Yeah. You have to cross like the liminal zone. So the next night you go back. We had sex actually the next night. How did you get it in without cumsees?

Well, I think I jacked off a couple of times to make sure I was ready. You just run it clean? Yeah, I was just, yeah, exactly. I was like, boys make more because we're getting it all out. How long did you last? Not long. Yeah, I was ready. You just run it clean? Yeah, I was just, yeah, exactly. I was like, boys make more, because we're getting it all out. How long did you last? Not long, five pumps maybe.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you know, not bad. I had sex at 10. That, that's, was it, that's an age where it's like, was it your fault? Or maybe 10, 10 or 11. You were, you had, how old was the woman? She was 14. Wow, so you were how old was the woman? She was 14.

Wow. She was a hoe. You were in fourth or fifth grade? She was a hoe too. She was fucking all my friends, I didn't know it. In fifth grade? Your fifth grade friends? Yeah.

Man, I grew up in Fulton. I was held back, so yeah, I was fifth grade. Yeah, dude, we had sex in the woods at the Mystic Lakes and my friends were watching from the over there in the bushes No way, they were giving me tips. No, no close were they to you your friends? Probably from here to the door. Oh my god. She knew that she didn't care. No, she was fucked one of them Oh, I'm fucking dicky dicky and Scott Kelly dicky su and Scott Kelly. I remember they were in the bushes, they were like, dude, no. Wrong hole, wrong hole.

Yeah, we had sex. I didn't know, dude, I didn't know about sex. Yeah, you were 10. Well, back then, Catholics too, they never talked about sex. Your parents never taught you about sex. You learned all about sex from television, or your friends, or, you know, porno mags, so you don't know that there's an age limit.

If at 10 years old a woman came up to me and was like, have sex, I would have had no idea. I was 10. I might have been 11. Maybe 11. That's the youngest I've ever heard. That's wild. That's kind of bad. I learned what sex was like the whole kit and caboodle when I was seven, because I came home from catechism, because I went to a private school. What's catechism? Oh, that's where if you don't have money to go to a private school, you would go like in the evenings, you know? So I went in kindergarten and then up first grade went public and

second through fourth grade I ended up going back to private school. But I came home catechism one day and I was like, what's a virgin? And my parents were like, what do you mean? I was like, I hear it in church all the time, what's a virgin? And then they sat down and told me everything. They sat you in front of a mirror? Yeah. You, dweeb. Just me crying with a juice bottle. You for the next seven years.

God never came in the Virgin Mary. And yeah, so I knew. And they're like, don't tell any of your friends. It's a secret. And I kept that for years. So weird. What a virgin was. That's so funny.

It has to be a secret. So they're like one of the main things in the Bible. But like, you know, the penis, the vagina, and everything. Why can't you learn that? Yeah. Well, it's because when you find out your penis does stuff, and they don't tell you, okay, that's what's supposed to happen. That's for later in life when you have, you know, sex with somebody, and you know, and

you don't tell them. I told my kid, I took everything off his phone. You know, Safari, Google,ck. I took it all off and I said look if you know, he's like dad You know, what can I do I go YouTube There is like is there porn on you now? No, no, there's no porn but there's girls on motorcycles with their asses You think they would tell us about coming in ejaculation, because that's a great selling point for God. That's like life is great. You should believe in this guy.

He invented coming. I don't want to have them have sexual hangups. I don't want them to think sex is a bad thing, is dicks a bad thing. And sure, I just want them to think. So as we progress into the puberty and you know, all that stuff, I'll I'll teach him about stuff but you know, I don't want him having sex. He's he's 11. Yeah, I had sex at my son's age. That's that is crazy.

Does he know about masturbation? Yeah. Okay. So when I was growing up, I remember I didn't know like, I would hear but I know what it was I remember being at a golf course with my grandfather and he was jerking you This is how it goes. I go use the forearm and uh, and uh on the bathroom wall I remember a poem in my brain and said this is a place to void your guts Not a place to bust your nuts. Keep it clean. Keep it neat Go back home and beat your meat and I thought you had to like punch your dick for years. You just punched your dick.

You were punching your rock hard dick? Oh good. No, I was like, but how does that work? And I would like think about it. And then when I finally did it, I'm like, I could have hurt myself, you know? But no one told me what, I'm not damn enough. I didn't know what Masterpiece was. Yeah.

You got to help your kid out. Give him a little fucking insight. Give him limericks and poems. My parents never told me anything. I definitely have hang ups because you were a fucking nerd. They never they thought you were never going to have. I was like Quiz Bowl math team. They're like, you don't need to know.

Here's the thing with you. You think you your whole set is about being an alpha male. Yeah, it's like a fake thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. What did this come from? OK, I just I was like, it's kind of like making fun of like a little bit like the Joe I am a fucking alpha man and there are alpha males, but there's a lot of listen to me. Yeah. Yeah, you teach me Joe I think it's some of you to me. Yeah, I'm gonna get beaten up on the pod

You've got a Joe and Brendan Schwab and Ryan Callan Yeah, beat the shit out of you and then Tom the brain works. Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe shits on your chest. That's for Joe. Did you just call Tony Hinchcliffe an alpha? I would say I didn't. I said he came in at the end and shit on his chest. He's the alpha beta. He's the alpha beta. Yeah. I'm the leader. I just think it's a fun thing to make fun of because you know, I don't hate it. I don't care. I think it's a fun thing to make fun of because you know, I don't I don't hate I don't care I get the little read the whole alpha thing is a little ridiculous a little well You take it a little too seriously like I drink alpha. I have alpha male every morning

I tie chia or jiu-jitsu every day like a little they go a little too far Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna move my kid. I I want him to play an instrument So he plays a saxophone and the drums. Got to do it. Yeah, my kid too. And I want him to play a sport that he wanted, which is lacrosse. He loves it. There we go.

No CTE, that's a good one. I do have him in, no, we didn't want football. Yeah. And jujitsu. Because I want him to be able to sing. He's in chorus. He sings, he plays the sax. He loves it, but I want him to be able

to beat the fuck out of somebody. If someone goes, hey, queer with the him to be able to beat the fuck out of somebody. If someone goes, hey, queer with the sacks, he'll choke them the fuck out. I want him to be both. You can be an artsy guy who can defend his artsy proclivity. Yes, I want him to be you, but not get beat up. Yes, I could not defend myself.

Right. Yes, that's very true. So I want to take an alpha quiz with you. OK, OK, I'm interested. We have an alpha male quiz. We'll see who's the most alpha. You might be alpha. There's different ways to do it. Yeah, let's see.

You might be alpha. It could be sigma maybe. Is this between us or you all two? It's all of us. It's all of us. I'm in a bit of a loss. I could see. I could think we're on the race.

Because you know what? I think you might have a little edge over me. Wow. You can be a little bitch and be an alpha, I think. Yeah, I'm a little bit. It's a mindset. I'm not like dude bro but I'm I still know. I mean dude is my thing. Yeah. But I do have a little sissy side to me. You, that's the... You know what? Dude. Dude. Danny, what's the quiz? Let's go.

Who are we asking first? All of us? Joe's doing the quiz. Joe, who are we asking first? So I think I'll just ask each one of you a question. And then maybe we'll do one last one. Okay. I don't know what you just said. Oh, last group question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. All right, which of the following bands?

Let's do Bobby. Is this for everybody? This is for Bobby. Okay for me. Yes Which of the following bands is your favorite? ACDC Metallica Megadeth or Oingo Boingo? AC, DC. I think we should all answer it.

Very good. Yeah, we'll all answer it. Oingo Boingo is an insane inclusion. You can't pick. What was their song again? They had a big song. I gotta go. I would say, I can't even fucking do the ring.

It doesn't, I'm out of the thing already. I came and ring the bell I would say AC DC. Okay, I can't I'm not a big metallic a guy Yeah, I never liked AC DC. I'm going metallic Wow. He has some bangers. Who is the alpha male? Bobby you are well me and you is first. He was first. You got to beat me to the punch. You did as a baby. And I couldn't. Yeah. This is embarrassing. Yeah, you got to.

Oh, you got to have that touch. I love that. You're the first time having sex. This is like me fingering a girl for the first time. There we go. That's how you finger-fucked her first time. I literally fingered her for the first time, and she's like, you're a virgin, aren't you? After 10 seconds.

I love that your fingers sucked. Yeah, I couldn't even do the fingering. I was like, you think the dick's going to be good? You were trying to type in code in her pussy. Yeah, I couldn't even do the fingering. I was like, you think the dick's going to be good? You were trying to type in code in her pussy? Yeah. All right. Binary.

What's the next question? Yeah, the answer is ACDC, because they sing about balls and cars and stuff. They're the most masculine band ever. It's the best band ever. They never tried to add a new thing ever. Same drum beat. Same three chords.

Same everything. And they come out and they just rock it. A, G, D. Every song, a little E maybe. That's it. It's great. It's great. All right, let's go. All right, so I guess we're gonna go

with everybody at this time. Which of the following celebrities would you have sex with? Okay. Number one, Lena Dunham. Two, Oprah.ham to Oprah. Jesus. Oh, three. Ellen.

Number four, John Ham. Is this, are we alphas or we dykes? That's a tough one. I don't, I'm going, there we go. You got Oprah in the eighties was kind of hot. In the eighties? Oprah like starting on you I mean of those four Those four who I'm not going Ellen. Who is the first one?

Lena Dunham no John Hamm is is attractive, but I'd go Oprah. All right, who you going for? I'm going Oprah cuz she'll go all right when you finish looking under the bed and I get a gift. Yeah You get yeah, I'm going John Hamm Wow John Hamm. That's the most manly thing. Bang! Okay. Fucking dude.

You two sissies. The liberals have ruined Alpha too. You two woke assholes. What are you going to get a Netflix deal because you picked Oprah? No, the O network. What else? Two stand-up on Oprah. Two more questionswork. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else to stand up? All right. We got two more questions.

We got two more questions. All right. What's your favorite food? Hot dogs, cucumbers, bananas or little neck clams. What was that? Little neck clams. Little neck clams. Okay. There we go. Good. There we go. Me. Little neck clams. Okay. There we go. Good. There we go. Little neck clams. I'll be honest, I don't know what was a little neck clam.

It's a clam. It's just a clam you eat like a raw oyster. I can't say. Well, I would go cucumber if I'm being real. Bush would you fucking be. I would. Unless it's a Vienna all beef hot dog maybe. And it sticks right in your ass. Alright, who wins

uh Bobby again yeah well both of us clams are mass more masculine than a hot dog i thought it was gonna be hot dog it looks like it's like a pussy yeah you want to you want to suck a dick yeah i want to suck a fucking a lot of oysters a vegan dick i want a vegan dick not even the real thing all right what's this the last? This is the last question. Who's winning? Final question. Who's winning? Me. I think you are winning. I'm winning as it should be.

Yeah, yeah, I got nothing. I got nothing. You just fixed the belt. I'm trying to fix it for myself. I gotta get it right. What's your favorite position in bed? Oh. 69, missionary, reverse cowgirl, or gay style?

69, missionary, reverse cowgirl, or gay style? Can we get a definition on that one? Yeah, is gay style any type of gay sex? That is correct. Oh, okay. Any type, oh wow. Oh. You gotta go missionary, I think you start. I, the other one.

You gotta, cause you don't know any other moves. 69 ain't for me, that is not, that's not for me. We have to do missionary because of the 10 commandments now. So you're a missionary too? Yeah, we should be on the board. Oh, in Louisiana. I'm going to go 69.

I think 69 was the most oversold thing. You were taught your whole life. It's going to be great. And then you just taste bad and I'm suffocating. You know, because you're not. I'm a little gay. Yeah. That's why you got to be on top. Yeah, I think I'm just finding out I'm a little gay in life.

The FYI, dick doesn't taste good either. That's true too. That is true. It is where the sweat pool. Who won? Everybody won. Everything. Oh.

What? All the answers were true? Yeah, it's true. All of them. Any type of sex is just alpha? Yeah, that's true. All of it. Especially gay sex. Yeah. I mean, if you're the pitcher, yeah, that's the most alpha of all. Yeah. I love alpha men, dude.

I love them. I think it can be fun. I love the tip of the spear, motherfucker. I mean, I like nerd dudes. I hang out with nerd dudes. I've always, even in high school, I was friends with the jocks. I was friends with the troublem school, I was friends with the jocks. I was friends with the troublemakers. I was friends with the artists and the theater people. And I was friends with, you know, the alpha motherfuckers. I was friends with everybody. I like a secret alpha. You don't have to say your alpha. Everyone just knows. That's why I think it's funny. Give me an example.

I'm trying to think of like someone like- Ronon Hschberg Alpha man of all time not fat. No, no Like any athlete like who would I say tom brady? He never says i'm an alpha. No, he's an alpha He would never say it. He's the alpha. Yeah, he won what seven super bowls? He's he didn't he never he doesn't really brag that much No, he doesn't I hate the patriots, but like you gotta give You gotta hate the patriots not if you're from boston. Yeah. You got to. You got to hate the Patriots. Not if you're from Boston. That's the only thing from championship town. Sure.

You guys jump off real quick when they don't make the playoffs a couple of years. No, we don't. I know. Because the Celtics just won. Well, yeah, you're about your back now. Yeah, the five. I mean, dude, it is sickening how many championships.

We're always in the playoffs. Every five years, you win some. We win something. We win something. I mean, there's a kid that went to, I think, 17 championship parades in his lifetime. Jesus. That's crazy.

When the Bruins win last, I don't know much about hockey. They should have won last year. And they were going to last year. This year they probably should have. They were close. They probably should have. Last year they were, I mean, almost undefeated. See, they won the most games ever. Oh, really?

They got blown out. Yeah. Oh, really? In the playoffs? Okay. Yeah, they're great. Minnesota sports, we don't have anything. Yeah. Are you, are you, but you're, are you like a genius? I think I'm smart about some things, but yeah, history and religion or culture maybe. I heard you know every capital there is. I do know the capital of 90% of countries, I bet. Really? Yes, I would say. If Danny quizzes me, I bet I'd know.

Danny, give me a country that he would not know. As long as it's not the islands in the Pacific and Caribbean, that's where I get a little dicey. I think I'd do pretty well. I would like, if Danny brought some up, I think I'd do well. The problem is I'm so not a genius that I have trouble naming countries. You have to what?

I have trouble naming countries. Google the to what? I have trouble naming countries. Just Google the most, Google the top 10 obscure countries. Oh, this will be tough, okay. All names of all Joe Googles them. Argentina. Oh, Buenos Aires, easy. Buenos Aires to you too. Yeah, Buenos Aires.

Buenos Aires. There we go. Hasta mañana. All I remember from Spanish in high school. Afghanistan. Kabul. Kabul mañana. Hasta mañana. All I remember from Spanish in high school. Afghanistan. Kabul. Kabul, you knew that.

We know, we've been there. Come on. We went there. We all have an uncle who fought there. Bangladesh. Dhaka. Wow, that's fucking weird. I didn't have sex until I was 25.

What are you doing? What do you think I was doing? You're just jerking off on maps? Yeah, yeah. That's what my bit is about. Yeah, instead of masturbating, I learned the capital. You were just fucking a globe? Yeah, yeah.

I did actually have a huge map that I would look at. I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the capital. I'm going to go to the capital. I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the my bit is about. Yeah, instead of masturbating, I learned the capital. You're just fucking a globe? Yeah, yeah. I did actually have a huge map that I would look at. You did? Yeah, I'm on my bed. He didn't use any tax, all semen, the whole lot. There we go, that's good.

Put in postcards. Here's another one. How about... Bulgaria. Bulgaria? Come on, respect the fucking culture. How about Bulgaria Bulgaria Produces my show bulgeria he said Bulgaria this is a proud people the Bulgarian people Romania's Bucharest Bulgaria Sofia, is that right? That's correct Wow go Bulgaria. You're just going in alphabetical order Aren't you no I'm switching up now. You're just going in alphabetical order. Aren't you? No, I'm switching up now

You're going to give us another noticed it Start with a C. Guinea. Guinea. Hey, hey Fuck yourself. You're dirty fucking that's what you need that little that is tough one. Does it start with a C? It sure does canocry. Yes. Wow. There we go. Still got it. It's so stupid. I was just a loser. I mean. Yeah.

How did you, like take away the bit. How did you actually learn this? I literally just like, I read a lot. My grandpa was kind of a nerd and he just got us to read. When did he? And stuff. So he got laid.

He was like a cool, no, he was like a cool nerd. My grandpa wasn't alpha for sure, but he read too. He was like, I got it. Back in the day, dude. You smart dudes read Yeah, my grandfather had books on books on books thousands of books. I have one book. I have I have what book? I have what's his name the button-down mind. I have two books. I have the button-down mind from I don't even know that one Is it like a self-help book? No, it's a comedian. Fuck, my brain is fucked.

What's his name? Who is Don Rickles' best friend? Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart's friend. Oh, wow. The Button Down Mind. Great book. And then I have Don Rickles' book that I never read.

Halfway. You got 50%. Then I have a book that I hide my money in from my wife. That's a great library. She knows. I know she'll never go in my books because she knows I never have one at night. Yeah.

No. I always respected a guy who at night turned a lamp on and took out a book and just read. That was my grandpa reading about the Civil War, World War II and the Civil War, just nonstop. He could tell you like the 4th Minnesota Regiment fought at Gettysburg and 200 guys died. He was like a tough autistic guy.

I love that. It was great. He was a great guy. Here's the thing, I'm like 53 and I'm always like, I'm gonna start reading this year. It's like, dude, it's too late. There's no way I'm gonna get smart. Reading is great.

You should do it. I'm not gonna get smart in the next five years. Yeah, no, why? You might not get smart. I think it's, I love reading. I'm all in. I'm all in on reading. I read fiction. I like that. Oh, see, I'm the opposite. I'm I'm nonfiction. Depends. Like, nerd. Nerd. Nonfiction. Read about war. I mean, it's about dudes.

I love space. And the continuum. Yeah. So happy my kid is not into any Star Wars shit. Oh, he's not a nerd. He's like a science fiction nerd. No, he's kind of, um, he's not a nerd? He's not like a science fiction nerd? No, he's kind of, um, he's not into any of that shit. Oh, okay. He's not really into movies either. I think that's good. You don't want a guy who wants to watch TV all day and something like that. He likes to go out and play sports or run around or listen. He loves music. He'd rather take a ride in the car and listen to music, control all the songs, and just have the windows down then to watch

sit in the house or go to the movies not a gamer he's not a gamer look games a little bit okay games a little bit he kids game more than we did now gaming like they got the twitch and the eSports and shit kids are wild about yeah yeah he plays Call of Duty yeah that's fine that's a little get that get it out a little bit dude I used to be a big Call of Duty guy I still play yeah, really? Yeah, a week withdrawal some kind of I can't wait for my kid to like finish fortnight or something But they she they play Call of Duty also, but you know or nice for it is fun for night I think the kids got it right. It's like less gory Call of Duty. Yeah, but I don't get it

I can't Call of Duty. Yeah, it is a little bit I think you know like we'll Call of Duty like no blood blood, no guns. You can be a fairy with a gun. You can build a bridge. Yeah. You're an architect, too. All right, so listen, you got your comedy club down in Louisiana. Yeah, yeah. And it's called what?

Club 337. Club 337. I first was booked there. I was a little nervous. As everyone is. And I was like, God damn it, it's in a hotel yeah I'm gonna this is gonna stink it's gonna suck and then I played it and it's such a great comedy club yeah it's low ceilings yeah it's a nightclub so always tell agents like look here's pictures

it's not a ballroom you know yeah you know they use it good acoustics is a great yeah and it kind of wraps around like this three we can out to great 300 max like just chairs sell out You know, but at a hundred it feels great and everything's just it's you do shows every week now It depends. Hey, who's coming through? The only thing I have to compete there's no one else using the club except for like private parties or wedding receptions Oh, yeah, and so it's like if it's I can. Or if they have a big conference at the hotel, I can't do a show because there's not enough parking. When are you going to step up and be an alpha and get a brick and mortar and have your own

club? That's a big step, but that'd be cool as hell. Yeah. When are you going to get an investor and get your own club? Yeah. Do you get the rent? And that way, every weekend, you're running clubs, and it's your thing, and it's your money,

and you put your balls on the line. I get about two, three a year, people want to like, all right, let's do this, and it never pans out. Oh, like a venue will contact you, like, I got a real... Not a venue, or just like people who want to like, hey, we're opening this, we want to do this, we want to make this. Oh, oh, wow.

And it's like, you know, we go through the steps, but there's so much. Much as buy a building. There's a building that I looked at about two, three years ago. And it's two story. They already had a stage when it was something else. But like I could have made like two rooms, enough rooms for green rooms and everything. And then they wanted so much for it. And then someone bought it. And so I gave up and it sat there and now it's for sale again. And I think they just painted the outside. Dude, get it. I know. Get somebody. How much does it and then someone bought it and so I gave up and it sat there and now it's for sale again and I think they just painted the outside. Dang.

Dude, get it. I know. Get somebody. How much does it cost? It's down there. What is it? Eight bucks? What is it?

They were asking like almost five for it. Five hundred thousand? Yeah. Dude. And it need a new roof. I'm going to throw up. Five hundred thousand. I'll buy it.

Is that not a lot? I don't even know. Is that a lot for a building? Five that not? I don't know. How much is it for the mortgage? I don't know. I didn't look. So you could probably get it down a bit. It comes. So it's like about six thousand square feet. All right. So you got the downstairs. That would have been a basement. Well, no, we know Louisiana.

We call it first floor. We got you got two stairwells upstairs. Parking. Huh? Whole parking lot. Reserved. Listen. Whole parking lot. Reserve. Listen, whole parking. Is liquor license easy there? Yeah, it's losing. Oh, really? This is good.

I'm going to fucking we're going to raise money. I'm going to be a partner. We're going to get somebody else. You're going to buy that building and make your own comedy club. All right. I would love that. That'd be so cool. You're in. What are you talking about?

I'm in. Yeah. All right. Third third third. Yeah. You're going to do all the go fund me. You're going to do all the money. I'll say. Yeah. It's it's amazing place. And're going to do all the money. I'll set you the specs. Yeah. It's an amazing place. It has a little balcony.

I had everything planned out. Is it in a good location? Yeah. Right on one of the main drags. It's right next to a bank and a Papa John. Come on, buddy. Is it by the college where the college kids come? It's less than five miles.

Everyone does it like flock in there for college. You go to college there, you pretty much live there. Oh, it's a commuter college maybe? Not a commuter. I mean you got some people from go to college there, you pretty much live there. Oh, it's a commuter college maybe? Not a commuter, I mean you got some people from other parts. Oh, you live on campus, I get it. Yeah, but a lot of people live with their parents and go to college there, so.

Agent K. Well, you got your commie, JPs get it. What gigs you got coming up? What are you promoting? When's this come out? Sunday. Three months from now. Okay, great.

I'll be crying at home. It comes out Sunday. Okay Sunday. So well alright, we'll miss that. July I got Luis J. Gomez right there. I saw this little thing. I got Amir K. I got Brian Poseyne, Dolce Sloan. You know we got a bunch on the burn. I'm just trying to make them squeeze in right now. Great club. You run a great room. Good comics, good comedy community. One of my favorite places to play when I do come down. That venue loves you and yeah. Step up and get a fucking brick and mortar. All right. Get that what 500,000 that's hilarious. I didn't know if that's not a lot I don't know nothing

about real estate. It's a building. For a whole building to hold it, I guess. You can't even buy a house in New York for under fucking seven. You couldn't buy a bath, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't have a bathroom. Dude, an apartment in New York City right now, like 700 square feet, is probably $700,000. Jesus, I don't even, I don't know anything about that.

When I sold my apartment, it was 700 square feet. I sold it for $650,000 this is the most frustrating thing because we talk about moving and like we know what we paid for a 2,000 square foot house like new construction in a nice neighborhood in Lafayette, Louisiana And like I would have to get rid of all my kids my dogs my cats everything too And we'd have to live in a one-bedroom here for... Oh, to live in New York? Yeah, just like anywhere. You have to get rid of your kids. I like that.

Just to casually get rid of them. Yeah, yeah, okay. Once upon a college. What's the down payment of $500,000? $120,000. Yeah. Comedy is booming now. Dude, get $100,000.

Get five guys to give you fucking $25,000 each. Yeah, I could probably get it. I could probably get that place for four, because it's been sitting for two years. Dude, dude, get it. Let's get it. We're not going to come up with a name and buy a chair. Yeah, I got probably get it. I could probably get that place for four because it's been sitting for two years. Dude, dude, get it. Let's get it. We're not gonna come up with a name and buy cheerleaders. Yeah, I got it right now. Bobby K's. Dude. The Bayou. Something about Bayou. You have a great thing. Sweet potato.

Sweet potatoes. Alligator. Yammy's. You're doing a weekend at Potatoes? Who called the Alpha Club. The Alphas Only or something like that? That would be funny. No, you have to come with some stupid comedy, Cajun, Bayou riff.

Just keep it 337. Oh, the 337. But they already have that club. They're not going to when you leave. But no, that's the name of the club that I use. Fine, 337 Comedy Club. Is that the area code, obviously? Yeah, that's the area code.

No, that club's called Club 3-3-7. How about this? 7-3-3. All right. Well, I'm telling you, dude, you should do that. That feels good. I want to. Get it done, dude.

Go kill some alligators. Especially there because there's no competition. Like you, you own it for like, how far away is Baton Rouge? An hour. So within an hour in any direction, there's nothing there really even. But there's no comedy clubs. There's no real comedy clubs in the whole state. So within an hour in any direction there's nothing there really even. There's no comedy clubs. There's no real comedy clubs in the whole state. So you know.

Really? Yeah. Not even New Orleans? Nope. I've never done New Orleans really. Yeah dude, do his club. Yeah absolutely. I really wanted to.

We tried to once but this didn't work out. Yeah, your booker I was trying to... Oh you were talking to him? Oh yeah we gotta figure it out. Yeah. That means no. That means no. That means 100% go fuck yourself. I know. He's gonna try to get in touch with you but he's gonna be like yeah dude, I'm gonna got to figure it out. Yeah, I love that means no. Yeah, that means a hundred percent. Go fuck yourself

I didn't know he talked to you. He's gonna be like, yeah, dude. I'm good. Yeah What yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not enough money obesity no, no, no, no That's actually the best place to do comedy because people like are starving for entertainment And we're easy to the best a lot of people will come to us before they go to Houston. Oh, sure. So that's all. Yeah, yeah.

Right. That's what I did. Like, say like Des Moines. No, I'm talking about like same weekend. Like, if you get like a Friday, Saturday. You got Thursday in Lafayette. Then you can do a Thursday. That's great.

You know, if I like you. That's good. What do you got coming up? What do I get? It's coming out Sunday. What do I take? I'm in Seattle. I'm in Tulsa, Indianapolis.

Oh, you're looking at it right there. Oh, Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club Point Pleasant, New Jersey Never been I've heard Interesting stories what I'm well, that's where this girl got a beer thrown at her. Ariel Elias. Did you see that? Yeah, she like said she voted for Biden and a guy like threw a beer at her. There's a woman It was a woman that was met a woman threw a beer. That's right. And then she drugged it, which is funny. And then she drugged it and then she got famous. Yeah. So it's not the worst thing. No, it was the greatest thing. I hope someone throws a glass bottle at me. No, don't say that because they will. They will. It's Jersey. Don't fuck around down the point. I've never, isn't that like, that's like a

very like old school part of Jersey, right? That's like the, it's like beach, rich beach people, right? The touristy part. Is that Jersey Shore? Yeah, it's near there Yeah, they're there. It's fine. It's nice. Yeah, Dino's a good guy and they I had I had a couple things there Well, I think I had to Joe were you there, right? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah They they were fucking talking on there on their phone and the audience fucked them and then the lady the guy I kicked him I was a crazy night, but it was still fun. You need to do those clubs. That's why those are good. I like. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Cause then when you do when you do a comedy on state, you're like, God, you're like, I'm Kevin Hart.

And then you got to go like to penguins and Cedar Rapids or whatever. You'll love it. Yeah. Um, what's your website? White, white comedian.com. go to my website. I bought it years ago, whitecomedian.com. Got a podcast called You're an Idiot, go listen to it folks. So funny that you look like a redneck, you look like a racist, your website's a racist website, but you're really just a little virgin. A little leftist, woke loser.

You're a little leftist, you're trying to infiltrate. Absolutely, oh yeah, I mean it's hot right now. I bet you had a tent at Columbia. I had a tent at Columbia. A tent at Columbia in a place on January 6th. I'm kind of play all the cards, you know, it's the horseshoe theory left and far right. You got a special is the only only funny white man. Yes, a special on YouTube. The only funny white man from like two years ago. Oh, you've watched it. It's a fun ride. Prodigal Little Bitch. Prodigal Little Bitch was the audio one. Both recorded in Minneapolis years ago. It's a fun ride. Prodigal Little Bitch was the audio one. Both recorded

in Minneapolis years ago. And Don't Tell Comedy, what is that? That just came out. Have you seen the Don't Tell? I think it's like almost the new Comedy Central, kind of. They like film a really nice 12, 15 minute set, usually in like a weird place, like a bookstore. Danny, did I do that? I was telling you you should. You should. I've told you many times. You should absolutely do it. Some of that, Greer Barnes did it the night I did

and his is blowing up online. Really? He's got like a million views. A lot of people are getting like famous. How come I don't fucking do it? They've made like five people famous. How come you don't make me famous? I've told you about it, we've discussed it.

You should absolutely do it. You should do it. Ralph Barbosa is famous. Yeah, Ralph Barbosa. Catherine Blanford. Who's the people that you get? Ron Taylor. Kyle.

Who's the Kyle? Kyle, where are you? Kyle. Kyle's a great guy. He would have you in a heartbeat. Come on, Kyle. Let's go. Let's get it done.

It's fun as hell. And do you own it? Or do they own it? You can chop it up in post clips, I think. But they own the special. They own the special. So you don't make no money off of it. You do make, they give you like, I think it's like a thousand bucks or something.

You get a thousand bucks. It's not a lot. It's not a full special. It's like 15 or 15 minutes. It's only 12 minutes. 10 to 12 minutes, yeah. You give them 10 to 12 minutes. But they don't own the material.

You can use it whenever you want, whatever. But they own that special. Yes. But they pump it out there. They pump it out and they have like a million or 1.5 million followers, so. Yeah. You can do really well on it. Yeah. All right. Well, we got this is the part of the show. We go to Patreon where we have questions for you guys. You go to punchup.live slash Robert

Kelly for all my dates. I'm going to be at the Gramercy Theater doing the regs podcast. Then I'm on New York. I'm going to be at the music hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Oh, am I really? Oh yeah, that's fun. That's this summer, I really take the summer off. Melanie Tent with the regs in Cape Cod, Possible Massachusetts, that's Cape Cod. That's a reg show, that's a comedy show

with host Rich Voss, and then Mike Drop Comedy. Tomorrow I'll be going on all my dates with my agent, we'll be filling up my calendar for this year, but you can always go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. Go there, put your email in, and wherever I'm near you, you just go there, and it'll tell you when I'm near you, and I'll send you an email out,

and you'll be there. I don't spam or anything, it's just you, my fans, and me, and my specials up there for free, Killbox, directed and produced by the great Louis CK. And I got other stuff up there, so make sure you go there and check it out. And we're going to patreon.com, Robert Kelly right now. So if you want to be part of the questions,

if you want to ask questions, go over there and sign up, because that's where all that happens. We're going there right now, so we'll see you guys next week. Joe? And sign up because that's with all that happens. We're going there right now. So we'll see you guys next week Joe Hey like cheese, what's up cheese balls? I got a show on YouTube called the cheese show where me and my wife interview comedians and we eat cheese and it's kid-friendly Sometimes sometimes check out the cheese show on YouTube. Just type it in Danny. What do you got besides fucking a lot of shit? show on YouTube just type it in Danny what do you got besides fucking a lot of shit follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and come to comedy at verve in Somerville New Jersey the third Thursday

of every month great little club is that the dojo I did no I do the dojo as well okay that's great too come to I'm gonna be at the dojo a lot as well check out and and there you go so we'll see you guys next week on you know what the podcast