Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #542 | Big Jay Oakerson | Deal Breaker

Episode Date: July 7, 2024

This week Bobby talks to Big Jay about The Bonfire, plays "You Stole What Dude", and "Deal Breaker" more. FOLLOW Big Jay / BigJayOakerson Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at trueclas...sic.com/DUDE ! #trueclassicpod Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Is it a deal breaker? Final question. Is it a deal breaker if she can only come if there's Holocaust footage on in the background? No. What? What? That's no, not a deal breaker.
Starting point is 00:00:20 I have questions. But those questions will be asked as we're walking back to the place, if she's hot enough. Yeah, I don't know, if she's German. We're talking choo-choo trains pulling up, people getting out. No, I assume what I was picturing, I was assuming it was where they were like wheelbarrowing and dump trucking
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Starting point is 00:03:01 Trueclassics.com slash dude. Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. with ease. Trueclassics.com slash dude. Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show. I started social media podcasting. The YKW Dude podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. This podcast is so fun and crazy. Old school back in the day where it all started before them all What's up everybody?
Starting point is 00:03:50 It's Robert Kelly, YKWD, you know what dude? Podcast live at the Comedy Cellar, podcast studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. We're in the new studio. It's poppin'. We got four. It's beautiful. We have, we have. Fuck it, dude.
Starting point is 00:04:11 We're here. If you guys are watching this. Oh, you're tellin' about the cameras. Dude, if you're watching this on YouTube, do me a favor, hit subscribe, like, comment, and if you wanna get, be part of the chat, watch it live, get it first, ask questions, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly.
Starting point is 00:04:32 I'm here right now with, I mean, one of the funniest guys on the planet, one of the fastest comics out there, and one of the nicest, sweetest human beings I've had in my life, and we've been friends for years, Big Jay Okerson. That was a good one. That was a great one.
Starting point is 00:04:49 That was a great intro. That was so good, and I love you so much, and I don't like what happened back there, and I want you, your tech Bobby, tell the people about your cameras. We had a lot of cameras. You spent money on these sumbitches. No, I did not, Noam did.
Starting point is 00:05:02 Noam spent money on these sumbitches. He spent a lot of money. Oh man. You really I did not, Gnome did. Gnome spent money on these sumbitches. He spent a lot of money. Oh man. And we had- You really found your Jew, dude. Yeah. You found your Jew. Hey Jew, I have an idea.
Starting point is 00:05:12 I mean Gnome, I have an idea. You're my Jew too. I am your Jew also. You're my Jew. I'm over Jew ideas, not bottomless Jew money. This show is not getting monetized on YouTube. I want you to end it all for me, Jay. Tonight.
Starting point is 00:05:27 Just wipe it out? Tell them the song you wrote about the, you know. Oh yeah, it's a 32 page poem, but every line ends in the N word. Yes, tell them that. Now, Patreon, screen record. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:05:40 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Be sure to screen record. I love it, that's the picture behind you. Skankfest stage dive. That was so cool. It's fucked up because you're part of two major podcasts.
Starting point is 00:05:54 I mean radio show Bonfire, but two major shows. Skankfest would be enough for anybody. But you started... Allegiant of Skanks. two major shows. Skank Fest would be enough for anybody. But you started. Oh, Legion of Skanks, yeah. You started, I was Legion of Skanks first, and then you went into Bonfire with Dan.
Starting point is 00:06:11 Yeah. Did you know what Bonfire was gonna become? I knew it. Okay? Yeah, I knew it wasn't gonna become Legion of Skanks, because the nature of the show is different. I thought this was kind of a neat thing that just happened very organically. And it's with the three shows that I've done for the longest, which is an SDR show, Bonfire and Skanks.
Starting point is 00:06:30 Don't mention that show. The show's coming out after. After, yeah? No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding, yeah. SDR, it doesn't matter. But those three shows, and you know that I'm such a stern disciple since I was a kid, 12 years old, listening doesn't matter. But those three shows, and you know that I'm such
Starting point is 00:06:45 like a Stern disciple since I was a kid, 12 years old listening to Stern, and each show in a weird way took the position of one element of what I liked about the Stern show. So where it was like, SDR show was already like, porn stars coming and doing crazy events, Squirt Olympics, and all kinds of, what's this in my pussy? That's the name of this, name the pocket,
Starting point is 00:07:13 what's this in my pussy? What's this in my pussy? Yeah, mark that, name it, demonetize. What's this in my pussy? End this fucking show. What is this in my pussy? But, you know, so it's like that Howard Stern, the crazy. That'd be a great game. Oh yeah. Did they ever do that on Stern? No. It's in my pussy. But, you know, so it's like that Howard Stone, the crazy.
Starting point is 00:07:25 That'd be a great game. Oh yeah. Did they ever do that on Star Wars? No. What's this in my pussy? Yeah, no. I don't think so. No, that's a great one.
Starting point is 00:07:33 I don't think I went that far. We should do that on Bonfire. Me and my, we should. With Christine. We should, yeah. But you have to feed her. She could read my eyes. But if she guesses right, she wins it.
Starting point is 00:07:44 First of all, calling something, putting something in a girl's pussy, feeding her is so shitty sounding. I'm gonna go home and feed her. She has to do it while she's asleep, and she has to hold it in all the way through the show. The feeding, the feeding, she'll begin. She's like, it's big. The SDR show was kind of like that over the top,
Starting point is 00:08:03 the porn stars, the sex games, the dirty stuff. And then Legion of Skanks was like sort of like the over, you know, you'd get in trouble for the going over the top too far saying the stuff, you know what I mean? Just going for it with every awful subject, making light of it and just trying to like find the funny and awful shit. And then the third element of Stern that I was loving
Starting point is 00:08:27 the Bonfire was, was the camaraderie of the crew. You're just gonna be in the day to day, and because we can do that on a daily show, like we have, having four shows a week, five if you consider the best of, where people just get invested in how much, Lou never dreamed that when he went somewhere else in the country and someone saw him,
Starting point is 00:08:48 that they'd be like, dude, just saw Pearl Jam? And like, he knows all his things, you know what I mean? Fuck that chick or fuck that guy or whatever. You know what I mean? It's interesting they know that, so it's like, so it's weird that I kind of just organically started three shows that were all like, instead of making it all one thing,
Starting point is 00:09:04 a show, also because Stern did a four hour show forever, and even still it's a three at least. Yeah. We have an hour and 45 minute show. When it started, started Bonfire, it was an hour, I think, and then it became a two hour show. But like, it's still an hour and 45 of talking, you know? So it's like, every day, it goes by really fast. It's the fastest show that I do
Starting point is 00:09:28 Like zips by yeah by and uh, and we do and there's a day Like you think we'd be Blown out by like doing the tuesday Breaking the fourth wall tuesdays everyone knows we do the pre-record for thursday First and then we do the pre-record for Thursday first, and then we do the live show afterwards. We've never had like a, by the time we get to the live show where we're like, it's usually more like having to wait
Starting point is 00:09:53 to not talk about something for the live show is the difficulty, but like there's no, there's no win, it's so, it's so fast. And it is because there's, you know, me and you are the captains, but like, it's a six person ship, you know what I mean? And everyone's.
Starting point is 00:10:07 Yeah, I was describing it to somebody like, it's a sitcom. It's like Cheers. It's like everybody has their role. Jacob has his role, Black Lou, Christine, Lou. It's like everybody's part of the show, even though me and you are talking the majority of the time.
Starting point is 00:10:21 At any point it goes to one of them. Yeah, we're conducting it. Yeah. And that's're conducting it. Yeah. And that's what's great, yeah. So I kind of thought that was neat that I said like, and I love that they all did sort of just become that. And we all kind of get it. But it's never like, I remember on OBS.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Oh, and weirdly enough, just to put a cap on that, the only one I've aged out of is SDR Show, The Porn Star One, which is what Howard Stern doesn't do anymore. As he got older, he stopped doing the porn thing. Yeah. Well, I think that the skank thing, back when you guys started that, I remember you guys were like,
Starting point is 00:10:55 we wanna come over to Riot Cast. And I didn't want you guys. I was like, you guys need to do your own fucking thing. I was like, you guys got it. Why are fucking thing. I was like, you guys got it. Why are you gonna come over here? I remember telling- And poison your brand. Not even that, it was like, I'm-
Starting point is 00:11:11 Well, you wouldn't have known at that time I was going to. I mean, if we asked you to come on board three years into doing it, I could see you also being like, mm. Not even that, I love that you guys, here's what you guys were doing. There was a huge vacuum when ONA fell apart.
Starting point is 00:11:27 And I felt like you guys picked up the ball. I think Anthony tried to, but he did a version of it. Jim and Sam tried to. Genuine racism. He goes, let's try kicking this up a notch out of the funsy zone. Let's really hate the blacks and the Jews. You know what, I've been saying it funny all the time,
Starting point is 00:11:45 if I just change my tone a little bit, I could start a fucking revolution. If I just get a cooler backdrop, like news? Yeah, he goes, what, she dating a black guy? To what, is she dating a black guy? Okay, I like how that's rolling off the tongue. Well, it was, I feel like you guys picked up that ball and then some, because it was like Stern kind of
Starting point is 00:12:06 started changing to interviews, Opie and Anthony was that big thing. It was, dude, I just saw our video. We also had Noah's Lawless, so. You guys didn't care. We were putting it out on like Facebook. You guys were being funny to be funny. You were just doing your thing.
Starting point is 00:12:21 And I remember, I was like, dude, go do it. You guys don't need anybody. Go do what the fuck, whatever that that is because you guys were three different guys We went with Kumey a network. Well, you left them quick though. We did a year you left them quick You're and then fill it. Well, you know what it is. It's funny to be on a controversial network I think Anthony's fantastic. By the way, I think he's One of the funniest motherfuckers ever and so I was so excited to go over there. But it's a controversial network,
Starting point is 00:12:47 and we bring our own, we're our own shit. We have our own, so it was more like, I can't answer for everyone's shit around me. You know what I mean? It's like, you guys made this joke about domestic abuse, and Gavin McGinnis started the Proud Boys. I don't know anything about that. I don't know anything about that. I don't know who that is.
Starting point is 00:13:05 Well, they're more politically, you guys are always fucking around. You guys are always coming from a funny place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said one of the wisest things. Louis has a couple of doozies that have been, I think about in life often, for a guy that I make fun of so much,
Starting point is 00:13:24 for being screwy, how much he's just had a few. I think about in life often, for a guy, I know, for a guy that I make fun of so much, for being screwy, how much he's just had a few, and it was when I called him after the Rogen N-Word Megamix came out. And not even just like, but whatever the version of that would be for Legion of Scam. Is that the official name of it? That's what I called it.
Starting point is 00:13:41 The Rogen N-Word Megamix? Yeah, and by the way. If I was to Google it. It's one of it. The Rogan N-Word Mega Mix. Yeah and by the way, if I was to Google it, it's one of the few times where saying N-Word is better. Joe Rogan's N-Word Mega Mix. It sounds like a nice, that's like a 12 inch remix. He, when that came out, I remember calling Louis and Dave that day and being like, dude, like what are we going to do? Because that is, like if we get to any kind of level, I mean it could happen at this level,
Starting point is 00:14:10 but like if someone finds it or who's looking for that kind of shit, but if we get like more popular, even which hopefully we do, that is gonna happen for us. At some point they're gonna give us whatever our version of that is. And I go, and Louis goes, yeah, it's pretty easy, their response, not that he's even saying something wouldn't happen to us.
Starting point is 00:14:28 Fuck those N words. What are you just kidding? What did he say? He's not saying that something wouldn't happen to us necessarily, but he goes, but the response simply is like, we're kidding. And when he said it, it was so wise in its simplicity. I was like, yeah, you're right.
Starting point is 00:14:41 I would never be like, yeah, go watch the full piece of everything you're showing a clip of there, and I promise you, there's nothing where it's like, yeah, you're right. Like, I would never be like, yeah, go watch the full piece of everything you're showing a clip of there, and I promise you, there's nothing where it's like, you walk away, it's like, this guy thinks black people should be slaves. There's just nothing like that, so he's right. I wouldn't even worry about that. You're pulling something from humor.
Starting point is 00:14:58 Yeah, but the fact that you guys never gave a shit either, which was great. You guys never bend, you never. Cost, there's a cost to it. But you guys, here's the thing, there is a cost to it, but there's a point where you can overcome that cost, where fans take you up and over that.
Starting point is 00:15:12 And I feel like with Skankfest, with Legion of Skanks, the fans have picked you up and put you above the bullshit. Absolutely. Right, where this is your base, yeah, you're not gonna do, Lewis is never gonna do the Tonight Show. Right, where this is your base. Yeah, you're not gonna do, Louis is never gonna do the Tonight Show. Right, no. Even though I tried to get him on a couple weeks ago.
Starting point is 00:15:31 Not happening. Didn't happen? But um. He goes, dude, can you pull out a tight, clean five? But, I mean you guys. There's something about Louis and myself that we share. Yeah. I think all comics actually do.
Starting point is 00:15:42 Weird dicks? There's some weird looking dicks. Yeah, yours is red and his is tricolor like Italian ice cream. Our gage is off? You're gay? Our gage is off. No, our gage is off and yours is too. I said most comics.
Starting point is 00:15:57 What? It is. No, but I mean like I'm just the kind of humor that I always liked and was drawn to. And you were always a pretty dirty comic But you you went outside that you did silly your physical more, you know I mean you did stuff that was like kind of outside of that my stuff was always so in that world that I'm My mind's like for lack of a better word like perverted to the idea that like I even see last night One where we had are you garbage on Legion of Skanks. Great idea, and those guys are hilarious,
Starting point is 00:16:26 great dudes, wildly successful podcasts. And then when I'm almost like, you know, in those moments of like envy's the wrong word, because I'm thrilled for all of our friends' success, but you're kind of like, but what am I not doing that's like making the thing? It's not what I'm not doing, it's what I've done. And they don't share that history.
Starting point is 00:16:45 So I'm perverted to the idea is when we're on skanks, I would be like, oh, of course, are you garbage guys? I'm not gonna say the N word to these guys. You know what I mean? Like in front of these guys, I'm not gonna put them in a position where they feel like they have to go, hey, can you edit that out?
Starting point is 00:17:00 Because we're laughing at it or whatever. But there's still even something I think I at one point said something I was like, it just made sense like maybe for the rhyme or whatever but to say the word fag. I don't even remember what it was, but I just remember the word coming out of my mouth and looking over fag. Ugly bag? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:17 What was the rhyme? Don't remember. I would say it might not even have been a rhyme, might have just been something I said was funny. Whatever it was that was funny enough that I was like, I don't even think about it, but I'm like, I'm saying it because I think it's funny. It's not like, it's not fucking with anybody.
Starting point is 00:17:29 And when I did it, I remember looking over a couple seconds later and Foley and Ryan, poor guys were like this, like their hands there. And I was like, and I almost felt like an immediate thing, I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm like, I don't know what the, I don't know. Because I know it would resonate with me, again, I wouldn't be saying the N word in hate either,
Starting point is 00:17:49 but when I say it's just such a deal that when you say it, it rings. You know what I mean? And there's just some words though that I still just go like, well no, I'm just kidding. It's like when I think back to my comp, my standup years ago that would work, I'm like these jokes now, people would just instinctually,
Starting point is 00:18:06 oh whoa whoa whoa whoa, he's saying this thing. And it's like, there's like stories I've stopped telling because people are gonna go, that's a fucking crazy fucked up thing you did. And you're like, you know what I was saying, we were young and like, I can't, okay. Like, that never happened then I guess. I miss, like that word, fag.
Starting point is 00:18:25 I've never called the gay guy fag. I think Rogan has a great bit on that. He goes, I've never said fag to a gay person. I only say it, I only text it to my friend when it's his birthday. Well, there's almost, what's really funny is, you're right. Unless you're in some kind of vicious anger where you're going at somebody in some sort of a fight that's gay and you wring it out like that,
Starting point is 00:18:47 it's used on exclusively in my life, I'd say, not gay people. No. But the funny enough thing is, when you're saying it to somebody though, you're calling them gay. You don't say it to gay people, but you're using the, but again, it's almost like a comedy thing.
Starting point is 00:19:03 You're picking the funniest word to say in that moment. It's funnier than gay guy. Gay guy, you can't call you, dude, you're gay. Dude, fag. It's such a- Plus Shane's taken gay now, everything. Oh, he's gay. No, no, he's, but he has the gay.
Starting point is 00:19:19 Like if it's gay, now you're doing Shane. So we gotta bring back fag. Fag is on. Shane, you keep that gay. we gotta bring back fag. Fag is awesome. Shane, you keep that gay. I'll raise you fag. But you got the bonfire. We've been doing it for over a year now. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:35 It's wild how fast that went. It went by fast. I mean, dude. That means it's been great, but it's also, let you know, the time flying of it just age again. Like, oh my God. Yeah, it's a weird, I mean, dude, I... That means it's been great, but it's also, let you know, the time flying, I would just age again. Like, oh my God. Yeah, it's a weird, I mean, I think me and you together,
Starting point is 00:19:51 like, I was very nervous at the beginning, like, what the fuck is this gonna be like? Because we don't, we see each other, we're around each other, I do your show, you do my show, we never did a show together, so it was like, how is this gonna be, okay, it's gonna be cool for a couple months, just like exciting, how is it gonna be six months in?
Starting point is 00:20:12 How is it gonna be eight months, a year in? Are we still gonna be, am I gonna be showing up to work, like hey, what's up dude, I gotta go to work? I just, I don't ever feel that way. Like I leave, I'm like, I gotta go. I'll see you later. I just drive in, I'm driving in from Westchester. Never feel like, fuck.
Starting point is 00:20:31 Well the job is you get to go laugh with your buddy for two hours. Dude, it's. And try to make each other laugh. It's stupid they pay us for it. Shh. But it's, no, it's funny, I know, because you were jumping into the show,
Starting point is 00:20:43 which is also like a big ask, and like a show that was pretty defined defined already. Yeah, but like I Didn't have a concern. I know you it made sense to you did especially as a new thing and also when people come like the shit Eating is gonna be you and Dan. Do you know I mean more than me So I was like, no he did for, for sure. People were flat out mad. People were just kind of like, booing you. They were mad at you. It was just people being like, this is different.
Starting point is 00:21:15 But we had happened to spend... It's funny because like, wait a minute, you took a guy out of a show and put a new guy in and it's different? Yeah, dude. I mean, it's different? Yeah, dude. I mean, it's different. You're the light-skinned on Viv. It is different.
Starting point is 00:21:32 Dan was too dark for our demo. Dan was too dark-skinned for our demographic. We need a light-skinned on Viv. No, me and you had happened before. Like, Dan told me a while before I spoke to you that he was done after this contract. He wanted to go try to do some other things. Did that hurt?
Starting point is 00:21:51 Yeah, sure. It did only because he did, and he always kind of made it known, but he worked in radio a long time. He just did. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, but that was so sincere. You went, yeah. Well, no, I think we were on our way
Starting point is 00:22:04 to making something so uniquely. And the way people talked about the show and everything was great. And it wasn't always, we did it for eight years. So it built to that level. And I was just like, I thought the sky was the limit with it. And it just wasn't his dream. So no, but I wasn't mad at him.
Starting point is 00:22:21 I was like, no, but you don't have to have my dream. I mean, of course like do your thing But within that year me and you just circumstantially were like doing a lot of things together a couple of festivals be at Moon Tower We did the two weeks. I think twice of Nasty show like over the course of like a couple years. We also like life wise to where I was I Was it I actually evolved into a different person where I wasn't the go fuck yourself fucking angry I was an angry fuck you Boston guy for a long time New dad I was in a happier
Starting point is 00:22:56 better place to to like when we started hanging out again, it was like we had a relationship from before but it was a more of a to hang out again, it was like we had a relationship from before, but it was more of a... It was like mentor, newer comic, because I was going out. When we came back, it was more of a, we're peers. Everything evened out a bit more, yes. We evened out where we could hang out and it wasn't a... Well, I'd been doing it for 20 plus years at that point.
Starting point is 00:23:16 You were a new father, which is an experience I'd gone through already. So it was such a, and as I'm saying, I don't know if it would have crossed my mind five years before necessarily, other than when we were at the, that last time we were at Montreal, I was just like, we did a couple podcasts that week
Starting point is 00:23:32 and everything, and live ones and everything, and I was like, it's the same comfort level I felt when Christine came out and said to me and Dan, should start a radio show, where I was just like, we could just keep talking. Like at some point we gotta go, all right man, we have to go to our rooms. Like we're just sitting outside smoking cigars and cigarettes
Starting point is 00:23:49 and talking shit about everybody. And then if people walk away, they're the next ones getting shit talked about. So we would just sit there. That's why I said, I asked, I talked to Christine like earlier that day, I go, I think I'm gonna ask Bobby if he has any interest in doing that.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Cause like, when I thought of it right away, I'm like, oh man, that was the first thing. Because I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do with the show. I was like, I'll do it. I was kind of resigned to getting, and this is not a dig on the people, it's more just like visibility of where they were.
Starting point is 00:24:15 I was like, someone's going to kind of come in and be like sidekick sort of at first. Not that I can develop into anything. Right. But like, I was looking at like Justin Silver, Mike Finoy for that to kind of come in and be like someone I could play into anything. But I was looking at Justin Silver, Mike Finoy, for that to kinda come in and be someone I could play off of. We'll be talking just as much, but you know what I'm saying, it would be like the Jay, the Big Jay show.
Starting point is 00:24:32 Yeah, yeah. And that would be like, Artie Lang was on Howard Stern. Huge piece, but it's the other, I would be making, I was like, I don't wanna defer decisions either anymore. I was like, that's the thing, being in a partnership, I was like, well, I'd like to have somebody else in there, but I'll make all the decisions. That's what I want to do.
Starting point is 00:24:50 And then I was like, but I don't, if I could, I prefer to have a partner. I don't like being like the bad guy in decisions or whatever, or like the overseer by myself. Like I like somebody telling me like, you're being unreasonable about this, or me to be able to tell somebody else like, hey, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:25:07 I like the collaboration of that. And when you said, when we started hanging out that week, or by the end of that run at JFL, I was like, this would be the perfect idea. I said, even when I told Lewis, when we came back, the other day I met Bobby, he goes, buddy, that's, he goes, the second you said it, my ears just perked up. I'm like, that's perfect.
Starting point is 00:25:28 He's like, no one else could replace that situation but you, so it's like, it's amazing that you did it, man. It's been, it's been, I mean, this has really been, so people say they always ask me if I miss Dan, I go, I go, I don't miss him on the show, because the show goes on, the show is what it is now. I miss like, what I said was the misses, like anything. I'm like, I used to just see Dan three days a week.
Starting point is 00:25:50 And I don't see him like that anymore. So it's like, that's the kind of thing I miss, like seeing him. So that's why I fully love it was fun. But dang, I won't see Dan now for probably a few weeks, if not a month or something, you know what I mean? Before I see him again. But now like the show, man, like I just,
Starting point is 00:26:02 I feel the same thing. I come in the work every day and it I just, I feel the same thing. I come into work every day, and it's not like, here we gotta go. I mean, like, any one of those Mondays where I was coming back from that fully loaded tour, we usually don't travel on Mondays. I was coming home, I could have said to you, like, hey man, I'm sorry,
Starting point is 00:26:19 please get a cast toaster. But I'm like, you know, I'm out in bumfuck, whereverville, America on this tour bus going like, is the flight, like I have to make sure I get to my, I know everybody else can move their flights, I can't move my flight, I gotta get back, cause I'm like, I wanna do it. You know what I mean, I wanna be back for it.
Starting point is 00:26:35 It's funny, we have a certain amount of a K, I was telling Christine that today, we have like five weeks and we never take vacations. It's like, we take a couple weeks here and there, but I don't feel the... You breathe the most ever. I don't feel the, let me take a day off or whatever. But here's the thing that I'm learning too,
Starting point is 00:26:54 is that number one, the show is what it is. I know there's people like, fucking blah, blah, blah, and I get it. I think it's died substantially. I get it, I get it. Because I think it's died substantially. I get it, I get it, you know, cause I've been through it with Opie and Anthony, I've been through it with a couple things where it's like, you know, what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:27:13 I get it, and I don't. Just on the numbers though, just so you know, like for the numbers, like there just has to be, just by the growth of the thing that they have. Yeah. Seriously, I'm like, there's 100,000 people listening or more that didn't know the show is over a year old. It has a history with that.
Starting point is 00:27:28 It's a new show. It's there, this is the show. Yeah. So it's like, that's the beauty of it. And I said, as fast as those eight years went before you got there, if the next eight goes, I mean, like, it'll just be. Well, that's the thing I was gonna say,
Starting point is 00:27:40 is that like, you guys have been doing a radio show. Like, podcasting is different. A radio show for eight years. I'm learning how to, I've done radio. But I've gone in for 20 minutes or Opie and Anthony for a couple hours, a couple times a month or whatever. But doing a radio show every four days a week, a couple hours, even if it's a couple hours,
Starting point is 00:28:02 I'm learning so much about radio You know from cuz I you know like you're so good at and I mean a jerk your dick Please if you want me to I don't forget those those jorts. I mean they are 38 so there's more stewards of you look good, man But it's like I'm learning how to You know do radio It's like me and learning how to do radio. Me and you are kinda getting a shorthand. I know when you're doing this over to Lou or Jacob or, and there's real moments on that show where people get pissed off and you kinda stay in it.
Starting point is 00:28:35 You don't jump out of it. We're on certain other things. You're like, are you all right? We're just in it. I get it, you get it, we all get it. Now I'm learning so much from watching your eight years of experience doing that show. Oh, there's a big thing on, like I said,
Starting point is 00:28:49 and that's just all it is. It's not jerking you there. But it really is like the Stern stuff, ultimately. I'm like, dude, get it on there. Also, I do share that feeling with him also, that like, I'm more likely to do it, genuine, and I mean this, the right way on the air, because I'm non-confrontational.
Starting point is 00:29:08 You're not. But on the air. You're the worst. Yeah, but. You're one of the worst people, confrontation-wise. Horrific. We had to do, I'm not gonna say what it was, we had a decision to make.
Starting point is 00:29:18 I literally made the decision, and you unmade it. I ran in my room and I went under a blanket. And I'm like, I'll just take care of it, and you'remade it. I ran out of my room and I went under a blanket. And I'm like, I'll just take care of it. And you're like, ugh. And I'm like, I am fine being confrontational. No, you're great at it and I'm bad at it.
Starting point is 00:29:35 So why it's good on the show is what will end up happening from time to time, be it whoever. It happens to me and Christine, we're a couple. We bring that to the show, you know what I mean? For the most part, which is like, I've seen in comments and stuff before, it's like, man, you guys need to go to couples counseling or whatever, and you're just like, I don't know, man,
Starting point is 00:29:52 we're fine, it's like you're seeing a radio show, not that it's not real, it is real, I've never faked a thing, but the idea is I probably would discuss it differently with Jacob outside if he did what he did on the inside. But the reality is the inside on the show is actually the right way to handle it. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I wouldn't say the things where it's like,
Starting point is 00:30:14 I always want to take to eat the shit, you know what I mean? So at a time where I'd be like, okay, I guess you're my boss, but on the air I have much more of like, actually I'm the boss here, I think. And you gotta, you know what I mean? So it's a, because there's a bit boss here I think. And you gotta, you know what I mean? So it's a, cause there's a bit of a, character is the wrong word, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:30:29 But you can like, you're still performing. You're performing. It's a show. We're trying. I would never act angry if I'm not, but I'm just saying like, when I'm angry I'm like, no no, we gotta do this right now, because when the show's over, we're just gonna be too,
Starting point is 00:30:43 and which by the way, what we did, we fell on the air for three show days in a row that spanned over two weeks. We just, when the break, Jacob leaves, or when the show is over, I'll be like, bye everybody. I get the fuck out of my, I don't wanna have a weird, nobody wants it, but on the air. But right away we can go back on the air,
Starting point is 00:31:01 and I'll be like, well, well, well, it isn't simple, it's like the thing that made him angry from the get-go, it isn't simple Jake. And then three transsexuals really bitched us out, and if you look at the honest progression of that bit. They don't even shoot big loads. We looked. If you look at the honest progression
Starting point is 00:31:18 of that whole scenario, we did the thing with him, we confronted him, we made a bit about it. Simple Jake and the boys. We made tea and went on. He got mad. Blah, blah, blah. It went on for three days and then all of a sudden we had the three transsexuals come on that bitched us out and Jacob was the happiest ever and the show was back on track. Everybody's happy. And that's the natural progression of almost like a family. Can I say something though again? Can I give can I jack you off a little bit now? Yeah, Jack me off
Starting point is 00:31:48 This is where your expertise is you are good three steps ahead in your mind guy That I'm not I'm very like right now and that three steps ahead came in a big Absolutely, I know That way when it became like not right away right right away you're doing the instinctual thing, I'm gonna fan, I'm gonna take the fan and fan her. Being like the joke being that you're simping for this thing, even Jacob's thing,
Starting point is 00:32:14 we were called Jacob a simp for something and he was hating it and then we just realized, Jacob, you can call me one when I do something, do you know what I mean, what do you do? It's a weird thing to get upset about. But if if you didn't get upset then that's not the show either So it's like it is I like it. I said, it's great You got to think of these things said Fred walked off Howard Stern Seven times in his career walked away packed his bag on the show and said fuck you
Starting point is 00:32:38 You told Jacob you said we'll put you in glass. Put you in another room Do put you in glass. I'm gonna put Bobby's son. What are you going to do? We'll put you in glass. Bobby's son Max the other day said I was a simp for Judge Judy. It was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Is it he is? Max called Danny a simp for Judge Judy. For Judge Judy? Yeah?
Starting point is 00:32:58 You like Judge Judy like that? I'll tell you what. I can't let Max let... He loves the bonfire, but I got to... Don is like, you can't. Oh yeah. Yeah, he loves it. He will think you gotta, Don is like, you can't. Oh yeah. Yeah, he loves it. He will think you're the coolest though when he can.
Starting point is 00:33:07 Dude, I fucking love you. You're so cool, we talked to AJ Soprano today. And by the way, that's another thing fun, I'm having fun doing with you too, because I've never, and I feel like honestly, in this year has been probably the most we've started getting like the, they're really getting us like some guests.
Starting point is 00:33:23 Yeah. Out of our wheelhouse a little bit, even if they're popping in for a little bit. Like, Conan was supposed to stay for 15, he ended up staying for 40, like, because he asked to stay. We were sending him out, remember? He was like, what, do I have to go?
Starting point is 00:33:36 He was like, I have nowhere to be. We were literally like, Jacob, go get us Barry Manilow. Barry Manilow, you mean? Go get us, go get us, people. You saved Barry Manilow. He was gonna walk right get us people. You saved Barry Manilow. He was gonna walk right out and I was gonna watch it happen. But we had Robert Eyler in today from AJ Soprano.
Starting point is 00:33:53 And like it was both, stranger to both of us. Neither of us met him before. And like I was proud. Like when we get done with that thing, is I'm like, that was a good hour of show. And like we kept it moving. He liked us, we liked him. We were able to ask him like some funny shit. And we kept it moving. He liked us. We liked him. We were able to ask him some funny shit.
Starting point is 00:34:05 And we brought up, we kept the show integrity, but we brought up the trans people that cucked us. And he jumped in on it. And you know. It's the long game of the blunt force trauma versus the thing. And that's why I said Stern did have that I just lack, and you can't force them on your personality. I'm not, we were saying it beforehand.
Starting point is 00:34:23 I'm like, he brought up drugs and stuff, getting the drugs, but I was like, I don't wanna bring up drugs. But if we get him on the show and we make him have a good time and laugh, and we do this show for 25 more years, he's on 17 times because he likes the show. We had Nikki Dinky on today, we called someone who we have on our show,
Starting point is 00:34:44 who's a celebrity chef. You're the best, yeah. But we had her on a bunch. Yeah. So you could talk to her now like you're talking to a friend and make the jokes and ask her questions that she might not answer. But she would just go, I'm not answering that.
Starting point is 00:34:57 I mean, she doesn't get mad at us. And so I like the finesse of that, where it's like, this was good. We didn't get to like nitty gritty stuff with him. But I'm like, it was fun, funny, and then we have him back by the third time and he comes in calling us Bob and Jay. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:35:12 You're like, then you start going, it's like, dude, hottest chick you ever fucked off to soprano. I'm just not a do that out of the gates guy because I'm like, the value of the guy going like, I don't know, dude, you're kind of a dick is like, no, no, I'm not, I'm just trying to be a sassy radio guy. You know what I mean, I'm forcing it then. Yeah, the only thing we have to work on is when
Starting point is 00:35:30 like a transgendered women just bitch us out, will we say, hey, shut the fuck up. Wait, what, this guy just canceled? Where's my camera, Danny? Is it over here? You're looking at it right now. Give me a tight. No trans allowed on the Bonfire.
Starting point is 00:35:43 No, no, no, no, no, no. No, is that okay? No. All right., no, no, no, no. No, all right. No. I said, I collaborating. One. What would your note be? We can have one to two. One to two.
Starting point is 00:35:52 But one, only one can be the drama mama. Can we make it a size thing? Can we make it, we could have 11 inches of trans dick in the room. You break that up however you want. Yeah, that's good. We could have one 11 inch like me and Isabella, or we could have a six and a five. Six and a five, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:14 We had too much dick. Too much big dick energy. And me and Bobby's little boy pussies got fucking hammered. Dude, I felt so fucking weird that I didn't. I felt bullied, it's why I eventually said, it's when that clip that came out was so great, but it is me at the end of the thing, I go, well me, if you want to, you know what guys,
Starting point is 00:36:33 we're not gonna be able to have three conversations. I really became a principal of a school because I'm like, this is crazy, no one's seeing me. I was seeing it. Oh no, I know. Mind your faces in that clip. I love having Paco film that stuff, and that's why I said just some of the regular stuff. Because one of them, I do such like a,
Starting point is 00:36:53 it might not even look like a tick, but it is. When I go, you know, they cut us off constantly for those who don't know. They cut us off constantly. It's on SiriusXM. Get the subscribe. Or wherever you listen to podcasts. Yeah, I'll listen to podcasts.
Starting point is 00:37:06 This part is probably gonna be on the podcast. But one of them, I'm like, you see my hand motions? I go, they kept it in the wrong, I go, Mia, we have to know about your show. But we're gonna, I went. You see, it looks like I'm just scratching my back, but I remember the moment I'm going like, I'm doing like the back of my neck massage,
Starting point is 00:37:24 like yo, dude, we've lost control. This is crazy. And I go, and I'm so insecure too, that I'm like, we're not gonna radio. That's what I'm going in my mind, I'm going, I'm like Howard Stern would control this with some kind of, even like, ladies, you can't over, he would've gotten that earl and nipped it in the bud,
Starting point is 00:37:40 and I'm like, I'm just sitting here going, hey, do you, do we, it's our show, our names are on the thing. Dude, I was holding her hand fanning her. I would rather be you than me. I'm a grown man, I have a son. I was in jail. I'm from Boston. I turned into a fucking Greek massage boy.
Starting point is 00:38:03 Oh, dude, if you can go back in time and see yourself in jail and be like, hey buddy, don't worry, it gets way gayer than this. It was so funny. Hey, you think life's weird now? How about when you find yourself attracted to a man with a baby bird? Well the funny part, you couldn't see Jacob though,
Starting point is 00:38:22 because we were calling him a simp for three days. He was behind you, looking at me and looking at you with that Jacob Glee smile, that we were just being bitched out on our own. A producer who was just happy with his job would have found a way to get the show back on track. He wanted us to fail. And that's what I appreciate.
Starting point is 00:38:43 I appreciate about Jacob. You know what, dude? Smile back and let us eat our shikas. That's the nature of the show. That's what I almost wanted them to understand when they do get upset about things, but if they're not getting upset again, what's the show? But when they do get upset,
Starting point is 00:38:54 you just gotta understand the thing is like, buddy, we're all, everything we point fingers on in comedy, you do also. Like you do the thing. So whatever I'm calling you a simp or whatever, when I come in because some fan sent me a video of her dildoing her asshole and goes, I'm actually a pretty well-known musician locally here.
Starting point is 00:39:17 I'm not saying I'm above one day going like, I told this girl she wrote a song about Bonfire that I played on the thing. Why, did she send you a picture of her asshole? Yes. So yes, she did, so I gotta play it. Do you know what I'm saying? So I was like, we are all guilty of doing the thing.
Starting point is 00:39:31 It's just Jacob getting so upset. But I said, if he just goes, okay, yeah, I'm a simp, where's the show? Dude, I remember the time when we called you out, I called you out on it, you don't know how to apologize, you won't say sorry. And you were like, I do, and you couldn't. It was like, fuck it, you were like, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:39:48 And it was like, okay, I'm sorry. He goes, no, Bobby, I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're not, you're just not. No, if I say that to me, I'm so sorry. You're the worst sorryer ever on the fucking planet Earth. You don't like saying sorry. I know, that's why it's better just to say we're kidding if we ever called out for an N-word megamix,
Starting point is 00:40:04 because I'm gonna go, you're not gonna believe my sorry. Are you sorry? Yeah. You said the N-word like 100 times on a podcast. Yeah, sorry. It wasn't all the same podcast. It was like over many episodes. Dude, I feel like right now though,
Starting point is 00:40:20 you're at the top of your game. I feel like comedy-wise, you figured out your thing, you figured out how you do shows. Because I've done shows with you in the last couple years too, we've been on a bunch of things. And I go out and do my thing, and you'll go out and just do what you do. You don't change it up, you found your, I guess, tempo,
Starting point is 00:40:39 whatever fucking queer term it is. Yeah, your tempo, when you go out there, yeah, you do your thing, and you're fucking funny as shit Like I love when I can go on a show with other comics and I don't have to worry about how they're gonna do Oh, yeah, you know me. Yes, I it's like fuck like I don't worry It's a go up like Ari doesn't doesn't when we all three one of them I said, nobody's worried about where you go. I'm saying, whatever. Yeah, let's just go. We're here to have fun, we're all funny, we know it.
Starting point is 00:41:08 Fuck everybody, let's just go. I love that. We said we did three shows, we were like, everybody open one, everybody middle one, everybody close one. Yeah. Fine. Speaking of Aria, I haven't seen him.
Starting point is 00:41:17 Is he all right? Yeah, he's like, he comes home for eight seconds and he's like, you know what, dude, I think I wanna go take trapeze lessons in Mima. And then he just goes. He's like, me and the dog, and maybe my girlfriend are going? Yeah, he puts a fucking, like a handkerchief
Starting point is 00:41:29 on this dog's neck and takes off. That's it, yeah. I don't understand. It's the most the world. I don't know if we're friends anymore. No, you're friends, of course. He understands. He's listening.
Starting point is 00:41:38 Ari chose. You wanna do another bump before we go on? It's a, yeah. You want another bump? Hey guys, can we get him a bump real quick? Just a bump of cocaine if you got it. Just a little something, just leave the edge off. What do you need?
Starting point is 00:41:48 Yeah, a little bump of cocaine. We got you. We'll cut it. Why am I sniffy? We'll cut it right here. We'll cut it right here. Okay, we're back. We're back.
Starting point is 00:41:57 You good? I've been allergies. You good? I'm good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't do cocaine. I did mushrooms this I'm good. I'm good. I don't do cocaine. I know. I did mushrooms this week, though.
Starting point is 00:42:07 It was so fun. I know. Ari is a, no, but you know what's funny? It's interesting thing watching our, you know, I'm 40, I'm gonna be 48 this year. You're 53. 53, right? 52.
Starting point is 00:42:21 Two? Fuck, dude. 53. 53. 53. So you're 53 53 and I said just seeing you know like Kurt Metzger the people I started with everyone's like you know late 40s a little older than me or a little younger than me Our friends even my friends who were like the young guys I hung out with like my young guys I bring around with the Lewis and Dave's and stuff with 40 year old men with their fucking crazy, but it's um The relationship verse non relationship friends, it's it's an interesting world man, it's um the relationship versus non-relationship
Starting point is 00:42:45 friends it's it's an interesting world man and then also the relationship without family like Ari's in a relationship no family long time now but like no real holding in place to do anything yep then there's the people who like you know who were just single no kids where it's like you get to the point where like I guess I'm not gonna have kids, you know what I mean? Isoder, I assume, you know what I mean, is like a person like that. He's like in his 40s now, so it's like,
Starting point is 00:43:12 he probably, so it's an interesting thing where like that dynamic of that road leads you. You have to be happy with it because. I didn't want kids at 39, Jay. Me and Dawn, when I was 39, 38, 39, we literally had, we were like, we don't want kids, fuck kids, let's just roll with this. I do love cream pies though. At 40, I think it was 40, I went to her,
Starting point is 00:43:36 I was like, do you want kids? She was like, I think I do, like it changed in two years. Like our whole thing was like, I think I do, and it changed in two years. Like our whole thing was like, I think I do. And then we tried for two years. One of them shot out of her twat in a toilet bowl. Gemma, she would've been a sweet girl. Got it from Sonzaneke. Yeah, she would've been great.
Starting point is 00:43:59 And then, and Max made it out of her vag. It was great. But yeah, we, I mean dude, so when Dan says, when guys say I don't want kids, I'm like. Well, it's more the girl, I guess, but also the. She's younger than Dan. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:18 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And Dan would be the best dad ever. No, no, absolutely. No, no, I think. A mediocre husband? good fucking dad any of the friends I have for the most part I think that would that I would consider would get in that world at all would be a good dad you know I mean yeah Justin and some guy can definitely adopt I uh I think they'd be good to a kid you ever
Starting point is 00:44:40 seen with dogs he's probably gonna be great with kids. Feed him fucking crackers out of his mouth. Get over here, Justin Jr. Grr. I mean, there's no, look it, there's nobody, I love Justin so much. Me too. But there's just nobody that has done so much, like when I believe in, like, you know,
Starting point is 00:45:01 people believe in conspiracy theories, I feel like Justin falls into that realm with me, because it's like... He's a human conspiracy. He's gotta have done gay stuff. Something. There's no way. Look, dude, I've come close.
Starting point is 00:45:15 And I'm married with a child. We should, when he's sleeping one time, we should, or we should knock him out, and we should scrape out his asshole and see if there's other guys dick meat cells. D.N.A. from other dudes? There's other dick skin cells in here. Did he do like a lie detector test? Yeah, about being gay. Well, we worded it real interesting, real interesting.
Starting point is 00:45:42 It asked if he was, cause the thing was the joke was that Tim Butterly, our friend, Tim Butterly, hilarious Tim Butterly, didn't fully get Justin's thing. If you know Justin, you know Justin. He texts a bunch of gay shit. But also, I don't want to make that just sound like Justin. That's kind of the, well, there's like a wing of the friends,
Starting point is 00:46:03 DeRosa, Justin, people that'll talk and make that kind of the, well, there's like a wing of the friends, DeRosa, Justin, people like that, that'll talk and make that kind of joke. Do you know what I mean? Even Soder can understand that joke. Some people don't get that joke. I don't think Butterly got it at first, that Justin was sending him very gay aggressive come-ons. Butterly, not good at not giving signals
Starting point is 00:46:26 that he's all on board, by the way. But he, no, Butterly, so we asked Justin in the lie detector if he was in no way, or he was like, are you attracted in any way sexually to Tim Butterly? He said no. Not his type. Said he was lying.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Said he was lying. Said he was lying about that. Yeah. But then our mistake question, but it's good, because I like, you know what's funny with Justin? Living the mystery and the enigma of the whole thing. There you go, throw that in my Megamix. My Enigma Megamix. Justin, where was I?
Starting point is 00:46:58 This is the pot pot. I love when you lose your place. I know you do. You're such a pothead dude. No, but I'm going to, it's Justin. Justin, Megamix, Enigma, Megamix. Justin. Justin. Where was I? This is the pot pot. I love when you lose your place. I know you do. You're such a pothead. No, but I'm gonna, it's Justin.
Starting point is 00:47:07 Justin, Mega Mix, Enigma, living in the enigma. The first, the first. Living, what was it, David? The first, yes, the first question if he's ever been attracted to it. You messed up the second, the mistake question. Oh, the mistake question. Leave it to an autistic to figure it out.
Starting point is 00:47:22 Thank you. Danny, can you roll with me everywhere, dude? You human computer. I just freaked out. That used to be closed. We had the wing. They opened it up and I looked and there's fucking. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:47:34 It's the last thing you want to see in prison is that face. So we asked the last question we asked them. Doesn't really answer too much. And I said, but I like living in the mystery still with Justin because it was can you say definitely that you are not bisexual what can you say that you're definitely not bisexual okay he said yes which is I'm gay I'm full gay and it came up true really because he's gay but the answer doesn't really tell you anything other than, so he might just be gay.
Starting point is 00:48:10 Yes. Yeah, it could be, and we didn't ask that. But then I asked, the last question was, can you say for sure that for the rest of your life, you'll never do asexual acts with a man? And he said yes, he can confidently say say that and it came up inconclusive Inclusive well, I think is a fair question because yeah, I said I said I wouldn't fuck a 21 year old at all true Asked me they showed me a picture of 21 year old catch me outside with her fat ass. Yeah
Starting point is 00:48:40 It's all very hot, but they go would you fuck her? I said no came up telling the truth. Then they asked if we lined up every 21 year old girl shoulder to shoulder across the nation, could I get to the end of that line and say for sure I wouldn't fuck any of them? And I said yes, and it said inconclusive. Because the answer is true, it is, I don't know, man.
Starting point is 00:49:01 If you ask me, can you go through the rest of your life without doing anything gay, I'd have to, it would come up inconclusive. Yeah, dude, I don't know what Dawn's pussy's gonna be like in 10 years, you know what I mean? She's gonna drive you to gay? I mean a nice hot Dutch boy in fucking St. Pete. That's not your fault. He was on holiday.
Starting point is 00:49:21 Yeah, he's got a hairless asshole. Yeah, you've never seen the sweet shine on a penis that's been under foreskin all day. Jay, we have some other questions for you about what you would do sexually. We don't have a lie detector, so we just take your word. We do have some questions for you. Would I do these things sexually?
Starting point is 00:49:38 Well, first of all, this is called, is it a deal breaker? Okay. All right, you ready to play? Mm-hmm. Because I know you love games. I love games. You're a game guy.
Starting point is 00:49:56 So I have these questions for you, Jay. Is it a deal breaker if she always smells like cheddar cheese? Yeah. Why, you don't like cheddar cheese. Yeah. Well, you know, like cheddar cheese. Uh, not mixed with sex. No, but I've also had it was. I think I told you about this before once there was a girl that me and Christina hooked up with a few times.
Starting point is 00:50:22 And even I did once by myself even and she was very cute, very, very attracted to this girl. And Christine didn't even have this problem with her. So is that pheromones thing was the only time I've ever experienced that I think she smelled to me. Nobody else. She just smelled bad to me. And I could like what salami or breaker like what? She just smelled bad to me. And I couldn't get past it.
Starting point is 00:50:42 Like what, salami? It was a deal breaker. Like what? Gabagol? No, like, like. Gnocchi? Bio, like oniony, bio. Oh, oniony.
Starting point is 00:50:51 But she didn't smell. Like she smelled brown. She smelled to me. You only smelled to you? Was it during COVID? No, before COVID. Because I couldn't eat pork. Because it smelled like puke to me.
Starting point is 00:51:02 If a girl smelled like cheddar cheese, Joe would be 100% in. Joe would have her on a cheese show. He'd be the mascot, he'd kick his wife to the curb. Get over here, you cheese lady. Now I go, if she smelled like cheese, whiz, that's different. Go Philly, go birds.
Starting point is 00:51:17 Fuck Philly. So you and Christine's, like your, your sex life, what you guys do, is so, I don't care about it, it doesn't bother me, but it's so taxing. I think I've been through so much sex in my 20s, and maybe when you were raising a kid and doing all that stuff, you were living that, what life I'm living now, when you come home
Starting point is 00:51:48 and there's the girl, the wife, you know, and the kid, and you go to work and you come home. Like, I couldn't imagine adding another, I can't even put up with, like, to bring a girl home to go out and bring a chick back to the apartment and do sex and fool around and have to talk. I don't know if I'm old, but it seems so taxing. No, it is taxing.
Starting point is 00:52:12 Right? But it's also the thing of the day. You think you're gonna phase out of that and just be with Christine, or are you always gonna be? I hope not. I mean, I hope not, too, because I kind of, you know, I like the stories, but... No, I hope not too because I kind of you know I like the stories but. No I hope not because I mean I guess if it goes down.
Starting point is 00:52:28 Are the women just gonna keep getting older? Probably. Bring some fucking hang back. But also I gotta tell you too like on the reality of it is also like it's such a thing where like I mean not known for us but the things we always tell are funny stories like the funny ones. Right. I mean, not known for us because but things we always tell are funny stories, like the funny ones, there's nice point telling like a, like an awesome story just sounds like bragging, but
Starting point is 00:52:50 me and Christine, it was funny. A lot was tied to her drinking when she drank. Before she would get problematic, which didn't always happen, by the way. She was like, a partner in that regard. She was like gung ho. It was an always much better when she was like, that girl there that was like saying something the after the show or whatever, like, she's gonna come back with us. Like she was gangster. Fuck like that. And it's because her inhibitions were down with who's not that that's not in
Starting point is 00:53:19 her. Because it is her. That's a part of her but like, not drinking dial that back a lot. So what's happening a lot more in that is it's like a person who's made it very clear they wanna- They know what's going on. They hook up with us. Right. By the time they're meeting up with us for the most part,
Starting point is 00:53:37 like it's like, oh yeah, and then I'm gonna come hang out with you guys afterwards. Right. And then the reality is, I mean, for the last several years, probably the last three years or so, it's only one girl we hooked up with, but probably like six, seven times or something.
Starting point is 00:53:52 You know what I mean? That girl's my wife. And that woman? Is Dawn. Dawn Kelly. Yeah. I couldn't, here's the thing, dude. I couldn't imagine Eaton like going down on a girl
Starting point is 00:54:03 in front of Dawn, because I know she'd just have some fucking dumb face on, or I don't imagine Eaton going down on a girl in front of Dawn, because I know she'd just have some fucking dumb face on, or I don't know, why don't you do that to me? What's that trick? You using, I don't know, dude. It's so, it's so like, like Patrice was the first guy in my life who started doing that with Vaughn.
Starting point is 00:54:23 Like he would be like, yo man, you and Dawn gotta start hooking up. Like he tried to get me, Dawn, and Vaughn. Like he would be like, yo man, you and Dawn gotta start hooking up. Like he tried to get me, Dawn, and Vaughn, and other, like he was trying to get us all to do that thing and I was like, I just don't wanna do that. I don't want Dawn to see you. And I don't want Dawn to see me. Because what if I eat her pussy way better than he,
Starting point is 00:54:41 I don't know, it's just. Oh, you're gonna, you're gonna do it much more fervently. Ha ha ha ha ha. For sure, because it's a brand new one. Without a doubt, no, what you have to have in that. Did Christine ever go, what the fuck, man? Like, you're so into it, did you ever get mad? No, what you have to have in those situations, this is what I said, the only way it would work.
Starting point is 00:55:02 You know, me and my ex like tried some experimentally stuff before. And like I just saw pretty quick in it that I was like, oh, she's doing it like for me. Right. Like she thinks this is what's keeping me around. And it's like that sucks because like I don't want her doing something she's not like super into. You know what I mean? And then so like don't you know,
Starting point is 00:55:25 whatever. I knew that already. By the time I'd met Christine, Christine's like, attracted to girls, I don't know if you're dating women, but she's like, before I met her, very vocally, and openly attracted to girls. So why that doesn't come up the problem, you're saying what you're not picturing is that like, no, I think that's sort of like the fun of it to her, is because like, when I'm eating this girl's pussy good, Christine's like, you know, squatting on her face.
Starting point is 00:55:52 You get what I'm saying? Like, Christine's like, the idea is like jumping all in. The funniest thing I always tell the stories that- Don, if Don, my, my, I'm scared that if Don will just start, if she just, it just, the floodgates open and she's just full lesbo. And I'm, yeah, and just her and some woman's living in my house. I tell you something, even doing that kind of stuff,
Starting point is 00:56:15 the sexual stuff, is probably, because Christine, I think when we first started like hanging out and dating, I think she would have said at the time, like she could have possibly dated a girl or something like that. What's funny is in bringing girls and hanging with girls like to hook up with the two of us over the years,
Starting point is 00:56:36 she would never date a girl. Do you know what I mean? She has sexually attracted to them, but she's not like, she wouldn't want to date a girl. I mean, Kristy loves you so much. I love her so much. She's a, but yeah, so she was genuinely like into it. I mean, Christine loves you so much. I love her so much. So she was genuinely into it. So that's why that works out.
Starting point is 00:56:49 If that wasn't the case, you know what I mean? Like I've had that before. So no, we've never had anything like that. When I've been on the road, is the only time there's been like a thing where it's like. Do you get permission to get side? Can you get that? Within reason.
Starting point is 00:57:03 You do? Within reason. Wow, I wanna see. She said that on the show. I wanna see if Dawn will fucking. She said on the bonfire before. What if Dawn would give me a little, you know what? Within reason, you can do what you want.
Starting point is 00:57:17 As long as you don't kiss, as long as you don't. It's the problem you run into there. What? And this is a problem that can just happen. It's that You go weird thing the for the few times When you start realizing this is a few times you're gonna call and be like hey, is this okay? That she goes yeah, and sometimes just like
Starting point is 00:57:40 No, I don't really want you and it could be you know, they're feeling insecure about whatever whatever it is. Yeah I was able to like figure out like sort of you know, I was like there's the thing you have to fight quick to go like Well, she's been fine with me doing the same exact thing before do you know I'm saying this That's like kind of like this that's the that's the difficulty of saying like within reason right? You know, I mean she could have a mood swing and be like no not tonight Yeah, I don't know if she'd rather not know or not. I feel like with me. The truth be told on the thing is like my road like
Starting point is 00:58:16 pussy like potential thing like based on my actions Yeah. Is so low. That's what I'm saying. Because like I said, you know, it's funny, like a couple of comics who are like single guys on Fully Loaded are even like, how do you get like laid on this tour?
Starting point is 00:58:29 And I go, I guess you can go out to the front, but I'm like we don't even like bat that around. Like everyone like the shows are we go out back. I'm done. It's like we go out back and like there's after show barbecue or something they're doing. So it's like, you know what I mean? So we all kind of go.
Starting point is 00:58:42 I would have to have a woman come backstage and be like, I wanna suck your dick and your dick only, Bobby. Right. And use my full name. But that can happen. Bobby Patrick Kelly. Robert Patrick Kelly.
Starting point is 00:58:54 But that will happen. No. Listen. I'm just putting that out there so girls know how to do it now. Buddy, that's exactly what I said about the 21 year old thing. Now my 21 year old fans are gonna be like,
Starting point is 00:59:04 really, you're gonna fuck this? And I go, I'll try, but I don't think I'm gonna like it. I got another question for you. Sure. All right, is it a deal breaker? That's the name of the show. Deal breaker. I want a graphic.
Starting point is 00:59:20 Dun dun, skabababum, deal breaker. Danny, do me a favor. Write down deal breaker, put a gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker.
Starting point is 00:59:38 I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. I'm gonna go with the deal breaker. A thousand times yes. Who is this monster? What's a sick sadistic thing? Unless she goes, unless she goes, I was born with a really tiny vagina, I just have to make sure you're no bigger than six inches. And I'll go, okay, fine.
Starting point is 00:59:59 All right, I agree with you on that. All right, here it is, ready? Final question. Are you ready, Jay? I'm ready. Is it a deal breaker? Final question. Is it a deal breaker if she can only come
Starting point is 01:00:15 if there's Holocaust footage on in the background? No. What? What? What? That's no. I have questions. But those questions will be asked as we're walking back to the place, if she's hot enough.
Starting point is 01:00:37 Yeah, I don't know if she's German. We're talking choo choo trains pulling up, people getting out. No, I assume what I was pictured I was assuming it was where they are Like wheelbarrowing and dump trucking a bunch of just naked bodies into a hole But I don't have to watch it I Fuck away from the TV Listen, you can watch where you're on the TV because I'll tell you what's gonna be the soundtrack to that terrible Holocaust footage, the death tones.
Starting point is 01:01:08 Do you mind fucking with the sweet sounds of the death tones while you watch Jews be massacred by the aliens? So dude, you got another special coming out real soon. You're trying to find a home for it. Trying to find a home for it, yeah. And it's a crowd work special. How many crowd work specials have you done? Can I say something? You, alright, I think that you kind of invented, CrowdWork is so big right now, and we know the top names in
Starting point is 01:01:35 CrowdWork. Everybody knows them. Gabby Bryan, you know, Natalie Cuomo. I mean the top, we know who they are. We don't have to go over those. Natalie Cuomo. I mean, the top, we know who they are. We don't have to go over those. Natalie Cuomo. Yeah, we have, I mean, what's the guy's name? The guy downstairs looks like Wolverine. GKMBCO Super Doopsy. Oh, Giammarco.
Starting point is 01:01:57 Giammarco, I mean, top. Giammarco Soressi. Giammarco, I mean, the number one, I mean, in the, I mean, country or New York, whatever you wanna call it, right, but you're in that, you're in there. Thank you. You're at the top of that list. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:11 But you. I've been talking to these people about a package tour. Yeah, I hope you're on it. 18 fuckin' trucks we need to build the stage. Dude, you're the one who started all this crowd work stuff because you had a show on TV You had a show on TV crowd work. I remember doing it So you had on see so back in the day network choice So you must have been go defunct before it kicks off. Yeah, I'm on flip chip
Starting point is 01:02:39 Yeah, my shit my new flow on flip chip NBC started see so and then they go Now we're gonna get rid of see so we're gonna relaunch peacock like oh, so my stuff is gonna go on peacock. They know I know It's gonna die with see so no no it's gonna sit dusty like a fucking Nicolas Cage is gonna have to find it I'm gonna back of a Mona Lisa picture dude They but you started you were the first one to do it. Am I correct? Who else did it before that? You had an actual show on TV, Crowd Work,
Starting point is 01:03:08 where the guys, you did Crowd Work, the guys came on, you had somebody in the crowd. Oh yeah, I guess probably for the TV show, maybe that was the first one. Yeah, that's very possible. But I mean, like, the clips and everything of Crowd Work had been a thing. It was before that, though.
Starting point is 01:03:20 No one did Crowd Work before that. Well, I, because the reason I was doing it was just like, it was here. I was at the cellar Seven nights a week for so long. I couldn't get on the road headlining. I just couldn't get like that why over the ledge of like Selling to it was a weird time. I Tell who I was in a row with all the time David tell it was so funny how like he would get like Not angry but like short with me on things because he would ask me for years, you know, he'd be
Starting point is 01:03:47 coming back for the fourth, fifth, sixth time going, Hey, you want to go with me to Virginia Beach? Funny bone or whatever? And I go, Yeah, absolutely. He's like, Are you headlining there yet? Like, I call them like, because he there was a time, you know, I think when Dave started more, there was a thing like there was so few comics, like we've always said before, that when you got to, you could do an hour of comedy, you got an agent, you went on the road.
Starting point is 01:04:12 That's it. And you made shit money on the road, but you made money and you stayed on the road and you would do, and it- Six shows, 1800 bucks. There was a switch pretty early in my career, within the first 10 years, I'd say, where it was just like developmental stages done, like in the clubs, like you got to be selling some tickets.
Starting point is 01:04:32 And so I just didn't have that for so I was in these, the clubs that I did here in the city, especially the cellar every night. And then I'm following David Tell, every night he's home in town, which is seven nights a week if he's not on the road. Right. every night he's home in town, which is seven nights a week if he's not on the road. And I was like, I suppose with a tell I'm like, writing I always thought was like, writing jokes was like my weakness, technically. As far as like sitting and like the acting.
Starting point is 01:04:54 When you're young you're supposed to cry. I've never seen you with a fucking notepad. I've never seen you with a pen. I've never seen you with like pulling, I'm gonna try this tonight cuz when I'm done when I'm done it I'm gonna read it to you and it's gonna go What's with airplane food? I don't know why I can't think like what I'm forcing myself to do it I just like what's my life? I guess uh, Ubers or whatever. It's just you know, I mean, it's like nothing. You have to go up and talk about it I go over to talk you're gonna philosophize so I have to sure I mean, no, that's what I mean? It's like nothing, I don't know. You have to go up and talk about it. I gotta go up and just talk, yeah. You gotta philosophize. So I have to, sure.
Starting point is 01:05:26 I mean, no, that's what Patrice used to say. He never, I never saw him with a piece of paper. He never. That's one of the ideas of the concept. I have the concept. You go up with the concept and then you philosophize. You talk about it and it goes out. And also just the idea of talking things like I can.
Starting point is 01:05:38 You can use the word philosophize. Philosophize. You can do that. I tell, also, but like what they do is like talk in the crowd enough will get me into like, oh, I have a story about that situation. And it makes me think of something new that I haven't told on stage before maybe,
Starting point is 01:05:50 it's what I hope for. But like, just particularly the seller, and I said, watching them, that staff dude. Yeah. And it's, I don't know what this turnover on the staff is now, I'm not here as much, but like there was a time where like, the staff was a staff man,
Starting point is 01:06:02 you knew these people for a decade. Yeah, they were a surrogate family. Almost, yeah, and they were. And I watched these people who treated other comics like family also, that when those comics were on stage, the eye rolls at the, they're doing the same jokes, this again, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I see that where I was like,
Starting point is 01:06:22 and the flip side of that was you, Patrice, Geraldo, Keith, you know, were guys who were like, when you went on, some if not all of the staff like tried to watch. They tried to like finish what they were doing so they could fucking, you know, so they could watch you for a little bit or something. And you just see other comics would come down
Starting point is 01:06:45 and see, oh, it's so and so working on, just be interested in that. And I wanted that. Like, I wanted that much more than I wanted them rolling their eyes at me. So I was like, I also had the time, I had long stories only. So it was almost, it's funny,
Starting point is 01:06:56 my first episode was called An American Storyteller. For being so crowd work-like driven, like my first thing was all about, I still have long bits, but like, it was long pieces. And I had to do that. You had long stories, but I said that to you one time. It was almost like tedious, because you're going on and on.
Starting point is 01:07:11 But the payoff at the end, once you got to the joke, the punch, and the tags and the tags, it was so fast, such a big payoff, and then the tags, you really, it was worth the wait for your stories. Patrice was the same way. Patrice, not to compare you to him, I mean he was way funnier than you,
Starting point is 01:07:28 but the thing is, is, but you know, you have that, you know, you don't have a problem being quiet on stage. You don't have a problem getting to the, you know it's coming. That was Patrice, that was actually a Patrice like thing. I'm the opposite. That's the thing Patrice said to me very quickly.
Starting point is 01:07:50 What Patrice said was about that, it was about the silence. He goes, the silence is their listening. Silence is their listening, but like I'm from Boston and it was a step on the necks and don't get off until you're done and then go, I'm out, goodnight. It's a style. It's a style. Buddy, I had such a great,
Starting point is 01:08:05 I remember coming off stage and telling people I'm fully loaded this week, I was like, that hasn't happened to me in so many years. Years, I haven't felt this feeling. I just had a thing, I did the joke that I closed on most of this tour, it's kind of long payoff to it, hopefully. But like, I got to, and it was, the concept was basically like when the kids are gone
Starting point is 01:08:26 for the night, so the parents are doing a certain sex thing. Yeah. Not giving too much away. And I did the bit and described the whole thing, and it gets its laugh. And earlier in the show, I was talking to... This is an amphitheater. I was talking to a... It was two 15-year-old boys, and it was two cousins
Starting point is 01:08:44 and one of two cousins, and one of the cousins' mom. Real quick, would you have sex with a 15-year-old boy? Yes or no? No, no, no, lie detector me. That's inconclusive, go ahead. You've been lie detector me. You know it starts bleeding?
Starting point is 01:08:59 No. No, why? Cut! But now you gotta get me back where I was, Bobby. You, 50 year old boys in the front row, you're thinking about fucks. Oh yeah, when I got back, I was able to go. I was like, one of them was the cousin.
Starting point is 01:09:13 You know what I mean? So I go, so the fact that you're here with your aunt, son, tells me for sure your parents, butt fucks, Sid. You're like, blah. I'm like, I'm actually over there. I go, Sid's like, he did it. I did the big laugh at the end. So he's just going, you guys have been great, man.
Starting point is 01:09:30 I love you, you love me. Let's see each other outside. It's funny having that was fun. No, Patricio gave me that. I bet that don't be afraid. And I said, if you're confident that you're hopefully the funniest person in the room, especially in the audience. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's like that silence is just like, I don't mind that
Starting point is 01:09:48 I operate better when it's my game to lose. Yeah, you know, I mean, when it's like, I can go up there. But I also luck out to that's the thing that I always thought was so funny. And God knows it looks like I try to like go against the grain of it. But natural things like Kermesker is like border. I mean, not borderline. He's ager is like border, I mean, I think he's a genius, you know what I mean? It's like folk writing. Yeah. He's something to talk to.
Starting point is 01:10:09 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. But he's like chaos. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's like, he's like such a- Dude, he's a video game. Yeah. He's a roller coaster rider. Yeah. I mean, hanging out with Kurt and I love him is a ride. It's like going to, we're going
Starting point is 01:10:24 to the amusement park today. All right, we're going to the amusement park today. All right, we're gonna ride some roller coasters. Let's deal with this. But we're such like a compliment to each other, you know, comedically too, particularly, you know what I mean? Like coming up with Kurt, like Kurt was such a joke right out of the gates. And then I was like, you know, I think it's funny,
Starting point is 01:10:39 like I think when you started too, like the ball, you know, it's like a, I almost think it's like Colin and you, like friendship in the beginning, because I'm doing the same, like, at these black clubs starting out, probably the same amount of years that you were in when you were doing this stuff, like I'm doing the version of like,
Starting point is 01:10:55 I'm laying on the stool, like flying, and I'm fucking the stool. I fucked the stool, yeah. Of course, and I'm doing, I'm making fun of how someone dances, I'm doing jokes about this. I was so sad like I was such a panda or like Silly like to be you know, I mean I was like I'll get them with like this kind of thing and you know And then the people I'm hanging out with her like Kurt's writing like high-level jokes like the first week and I'm like Kurt
Starting point is 01:11:20 I don't even see where in this joke fuck a stool that I remember one that I was at the Boston and Patrice went up after me. No, after Maceo and Maceo did a thing where he pretended the stool was a beer. Oh, yeah. He goes, I got damn Maceo just drank him, drank a beer out of the stool. Bobby just fucked and J.M. J.More farted on because we all had stool bits.
Starting point is 01:11:47 Is there a black comedy club thing that off to the side of the stage or right in the back of the stage is a graveyard of bin-fucked stools? If those stools could talk. All right, we got one more game, dude. Are you ready? Please.
Starting point is 01:12:00 We have another game, and this game is... Are you parked up by work or are you down here? By work. I'll drive you out. Okay, great. We have a lot of questions for you too. Let me tell you something about this. If you're not a member of the Patreon, go join right now.
Starting point is 01:12:14 Patreon.com slash Robbie Kelly. The most questions ever asked. It's the last place you can say faggot. last place you could say faggot. Again, the most questions ever asked. Take two. For a guest, you. Oh, hell yeah. That's right, buddy.
Starting point is 01:12:34 I mean, a lot of questions came in. This one is called, you stole what dude? You stole what dude? You stole what dude? Trademark, envelope, send it. You stole what dude? You stole what dude? Trademark envelope send it. You stole what dude? What is the worst thing you ever stole? Worst thing?
Starting point is 01:13:01 Like the shittiest, this was shitty. The worst thing that you stole and you're like fuck. I stole a couple of things in my life, but the word the shittiest, this was the shittiest. The worst thing that you stole and you're like fuck. I stole a couple things in my life, but the shittiest one was just not thinking as a kid, but too old of it, like 17, like a big package in front of someone's door. You were a porch pirate? Just once, but.
Starting point is 01:13:19 What was it? It was. Was it worth it? Was it a ham? I know this is funnier than I thought. Why was it? The. Was it a ham? The other ones you funny but this is pretty funny too why was of all where was it and why did you how did you see it? Why did you in my development in my you know, my parents lived in like a Development they call it down like you call like a housing houses
Starting point is 01:13:42 Project white white project. I'm not saying that projects. You're living in a ghetto. No, it was a golf course. You were poor. Townhouse. You were adopted by a black family. You know, it's called like Valleybrook or Players Place, these things, right? So it was in our little development. Where every house is a little different but the same. Yes, yes, definitely one of those. But it's like Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. But it's a moving on up.
Starting point is 01:13:52 Right. It's like you're connected to the next house, but they have a little bigger living room. Your kitchen is a little bit. Got a little outside space. Little outside space. Little. Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little,
Starting point is 01:14:00 little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, you're connected to the next house, but they have a little bigger living room, your kitchen is a little bit. Got a little outside space. Little outside space.
Starting point is 01:14:09 Little. Little. Little slice of thing. I lived in one of those, I lived in Bentonville in Pennsylvania. Oh yeah, that's where you were. Right outside of Philly, and it was like it was a farm. Like you said about association. Association, there's a basketball court.
Starting point is 01:14:21 Sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was, but so yeah, in there, it's just one of the neighbors up by one of my friends, and we were like, let's take it, and we took it and brought it to my house, and it was a, one of those, it was one of those machines, it was an exercise machine.
Starting point is 01:14:37 It was already kind of funny. But it was one of those ones where it's like, just a little seat, and then split in the bench, and it had two big bars, and it was like to do like, it's just crunches little seat and then split in the bench and it had two big bars and it was like to do like it's just crunches. It was for crunches? But it was so big and blocky that was in my closet in my mom's house well until after after I moved out. You never used it? No never once we built it. Well you built it you know why don't you just bring it back? I don't know. The damage was done, but we knew it. By the way, it showed in the box what it was.
Starting point is 01:15:08 It wasn't a surprise. We go, oh, let's take this. We're going to get abs. I just stole a guy's thing and never used it. But the things I other things I remember stealing was I got caught when I was young. I used to learn how to go into this. You know, so young, too. I go into the drugstore around the corner from my house
Starting point is 01:15:24 and they had porn magazines, but mixed in with, like, you know, Mad Magazine and magazine. But there was more. And I would take it and put him in the front of my pants and put the shirt over and sit there. But it was like a mom and pop. Yeah. Yeah. And the guy just came over one time and did the old like the humiliation. Like he goes, he goes, son, son.
Starting point is 01:15:39 And I was like, you know, I was going to try to leave. And he goes, come back here right now. And he did the thing where he lifted the shirt and pulled the thing on and porn mags fall out. I'm fucking with you. Yeah, back when America was America, when a guy goes, son, come here, and you would. I did, oh yeah, I did, and I went back and he went,
Starting point is 01:15:55 and then I ran and hid like in a trash can out back at someone's house, because I was like, in my mind I was like. Oscar the Grouch? Yeah, in my mind I was like, he's called the cops, and this is like, I'm going to jail. I was just so young I didn't know anything. I mean you're afraid of things.
Starting point is 01:16:08 Oh yeah and there was something else I thought of that I stole that was like your heart. You did. Dude I stole, the worst thing I ever stole I felt so bad about it. I lived in, I hung out and lived in an Italian neighborhood and I used to steal every day, because how I got my money is I would steal bikes
Starting point is 01:16:28 or power tools and going to somebody's garage and whatever. I'd steal like a hose. I had a chain of stores, a pharmacy, a bakery, a mail store, and I would just go in, hey, you want a hose? And they would be like, yeah, how much? Five bucks. I just needed to get money to get booze. Like five bucks, 10 bucks to get alcohol and drugs
Starting point is 01:16:50 that night to go party, and we'd all pool our money together at the park. But you needed something. And I stole a Mother Mary out of. Oh Jesus. For the garden? I took the garden Mother Mary, like her. Yeah, her, her.
Starting point is 01:17:07 Yeah, her. This one. Yeah, that one. Yeah, that one was she was. Oh, and I. Oh, she's she's giving to you. Yeah. She gives you the Lord Christ. I remember I took it and my grandmother was so Catholic. She worked at the rectory.
Starting point is 01:17:19 She was so religious. And I stole it and I sold it to the fucking. I think it was a Jew who owned the pharmacy, drug store, and I walked in, I'm like, you want a Mother Mary? And I had to like, it was so heavy, I had to pick it up, and I almost killed myself carrying this fucking thing. It's a stone.
Starting point is 01:17:37 But he was like, yeah, I'll take it, I sold it for five bucks, I just needed money. What a junkie. And I remember just feeling terrible about that poor Italian lady probably came out in her backyard where she did prayers and her mother Mary was gone. Yeah, it would have been better if you stole, if someone had one of the racist black jockey on jockeys
Starting point is 01:17:57 and you stole that, you're like, yeah, I'm taking that because you don't need that, you piece of shit. Danny, did you ever steal anything? Yeah, when I was very young, I stole Metamucil. Because. Oh, you've been regular ever since? Yeah, well. Was it the powder or the crackers?
Starting point is 01:18:13 No, so my parents got me the Metamucil for kids once, which was like orange flavored crackers. And I thought, and I just saw the packaging, and then one day when I was like eight, because I liked those crackers, they were the graham crackers. I have a feeling only Jewish people know about menomuscle for kids. Yeah, I had menomuscle for kids. And then I liked the taste of it.
Starting point is 01:18:31 I liked the taste of it, and then I saw the same packaging, the logo on the pills, so I stole the menomuscle pills, and then parents caught me, and they made me go back to the Walgreens and admit to the cashier that I stole menomuscle in return. That's more embarrassing than anything. Fucking menomuscle. What were you taking, like, take it, kid.
Starting point is 01:18:49 You clearly need it. Danny, I feel so bad for Danny. I'm having too many, I'm having enough movements in one day. He has so many things wrong with him. He sweats so much he has to wear double t-shirts with double sweat tampons in his armpits. You're an armpit sweat guy? Yeah, and I have these custom shirts that soak up the sweat.
Starting point is 01:19:09 That's crazy. You should botox. Yeah, I did it once. You had him do it like every few months, and it was kind of expensive. It is a little expensive, but you could also, we got a guy? We got a guy. He does one that lasts almost a year, though. Really? Is it expensive? How much? We got a guy. He does one that lasts, it lasts almost a year though.
Starting point is 01:19:26 Really? Is it expensive? How much? $1,200. I'm in. For a year? For a year? We'll hook you up.
Starting point is 01:19:33 Yeah, he's not. It could last for about a year, but I'll tell ya, it works, cause my armpit was really the only place I sweat like kinda bad at one point, and I've been doing it, it's never been an issue. My balls are pretty bad. I wouldn't get Botox in your balls, or you know what, who am I to say?
Starting point is 01:19:48 Do it. Did you, do you have a lot of work done? You had your nose done, your lips, your teeth. No, you are very, dude, you are very, and you, what's the fucking word? Gay. Yeah, gay. No, but you get your eyebrows done, you get your beard done,
Starting point is 01:20:12 you get your hair did, you get, you're very particular with your look. Even though your look is fucking crazy and kind of rock and roll, you're very, you are one of the cleanest dudes I know, you're always, you never leave the house fucked up. And you get your, your whole look is done. Your fingernails.
Starting point is 01:20:31 Very insecure. So I've always been like, it's that thing, first we have to clean. Yeah. And I was like, man, when you, and I've met fat, smelly people before. Yeah. And I'm like, when you smell something shitty in the room,
Starting point is 01:20:47 I have to confidently say, this is not me. I'm not this, I know everyone thinks it's me, because I'm the fat person here, but I promise you, this smell isn't me. Dude, I had the same thing when I was so fat, when I was three something. When you smell a room, when you walk in a room, you smell the room shitty, you go, whatever's done this,
Starting point is 01:21:04 someone's gonna go, this guy. Dude, I have 700 colognes. I'm a fuckin', take a shower, spray me with cologne. I wanna walk in the room when I was my fattest and have people, you smell good. At least I had that. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:21:17 Ooh, you smell great. Yeah. Thank God. Cause they're out. When that fat person walks in that hasn't showered and we know some of them, it's difficult. Smells like salami. I clean my asshole one half index finger deep. So I'd say you could eat a Tootsie Roll Pop out of there.
Starting point is 01:21:38 Is that why you keep your nails so tight? I'll tell you what, now because I get the manicures now, which I am enjoy, I don't enjoy getting it done, but I like the way they feel afterwards because I always bit my nails, so I never had nails. Then I got the teeth, I can't bite the nails, so they grow, I cut them myself, and I'm not very good at it, like the cutting and buffing and making them, but now you got to let them grow out a little bit to get it done again, the manicure. So that last week, on the road, to get it done again, the manicure. So that last week, on the road, on that tour, in questionable bathrooms, trying to wipe quick
Starting point is 01:22:09 so you're getting out of there, I really scratched the shit out of my asshole with my cleaning process. Oh no. Yeah, so now what I gotta do is, let's see if I can describe this for you. Here's the asshole. Your asshole.
Starting point is 01:22:22 My asshole, where normally my cleaning process would just be kinda like getting in there. With a baby wipe on it. On the finger. Let's say I'm in the shower now. No baby wipe. No baby, this isn't it now. Clean, just raw finger.
Starting point is 01:22:34 Oh, soapy finger. Soapy raw finger. Soapy raw finger. That's acceptable. I'm in there now, right? That's how I normally go. I just kinda like, I get it in there. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:42 And. Twist. Yeah, twist. Does your asshole turn two? I don't think so. So your asshole stays here, it's not this, it's more this. It's that, yes. Okay, great. I just didn't know if there was a new technique
Starting point is 01:22:53 that you invented where you're kind of doing a shimmy shot. Now, well this is a technique here. When the nail starts getting sharp, you don't want to attack like that. So what you have to do is you gotta let it get in there. You see what I'm saying? You have to let your asshole accept it. You have to present.
Starting point is 01:23:12 You have to. You almost go above the asshole with your finger, and then you get it in there like that. And that way you don't scratch anything. And that is one to grow on. Well there you go everybody. Listen, we're going to patreon.com. If you have questions, we're gonna ask them over the, the fuck was that?
Starting point is 01:23:32 I thought that was part of the show. No, it's the end of the show. We have a guy on a scooter out front screaming. Wee wee wee wee wee wee. Listen man, I can't tell you, the last year of my life, you know, it's weird to, I never, when stuff happens, and I remember you asked me to do it, and I was like, fucking absolutely.
Starting point is 01:23:51 And of course I was, I really wanted you and Dan to do it, because the show was so great, and the fan base is so great. Even the one that hates me, I totally get it, because it was such an epic combination to do. And what does it mean when someone hates and listens to every episode still? It's all good, man. I totally get it, because it was such an epic combination to do. And what does it mean when someone hates and listens to every episode still? It's all good, man.
Starting point is 01:24:08 It's all good, because I know in the last year, what we all as we try to do when we go in there, all of us, is just have a good time for two hours. And either interesting conversation between us, and make each other laugh, and hopefully make these other people laugh. And it's been, I mean, surreal to me. Very surreal to be going into,
Starting point is 01:24:28 because I've gone to a series for so many years on the other shows, and now to walk in and be on this show, and there was a certain point on my shoulders you said it would drop. And they finally dropped, where it's like, hey, man, we're doing this. No, you walk in and it's something like,
Starting point is 01:24:44 I'm trying to take for granted, too. I said, whether he's there or not, whatever it is, like it's the thing Howard built. And every day you walk through that door, you go, we're doing our show a hundred feet away from where it's all there. So we're on the same company doing the same thing next to Ron Bennington. One of the greatest everything. Jimmy and Sam. I mean, you know, OK. We're on air.
Starting point is 01:25:11 I'm kidding. But we're going to go right now to Patreon dot com. Jay, what do we got for Jay? Where is he going to be? And we got to read it out, Danny. And I got to bring it back. He's going to be July 12th, Richmond, Virginia, at the Funny Bone, the 13th. That's a Friday and Saturday night That's where going from not headlining to only doing Friday and Saturdays. That's pretty fucking awesome Richmond, Virginia July 27th Atlantic City, New Jersey at the Brigada. That is a big show It's a theater and it's one night only I can't read it because the wires there stupid 27th bring it down
Starting point is 01:25:46 Down not up. Oh Danny you suck is that Joe? Okay, all right. Sorry July 27th at the Brigada casino August 1st helium comedy club and the second or in all Portland Portland, Oregon and Just go to big J comedyedy.com and number one, make sure you check him out on Sirius XM, Faction Talk 103, The Bonfire, Big J. Oakeson and Robert Kelly.
Starting point is 01:26:15 One of the funnest shows I do and one I look forward to every single day we do it. Fuck yeah. And I love you so much, man. I love you too, dude. And I'm so glad that we've actually become so close. We started out kind of in the same thing. It is awesome.
Starting point is 01:26:30 It's just the idea that it's very organic too. It's like, oh, this concert's coming around. Gotta see if Bobby wants to go to this concert. Yeah. You've added another element into my life that I didn't know I was gonna have at this stage and I'm having a blast with it. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:26:46 Robert Kelly, I'm gonna be at the Gramercy Theater with the Regs, coming up on July 10th, July 20th, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, July 26th, South Burlington, Vermont. I'm gonna be at the Showcase Lounge, Las Vegas for Skank Fest. I don't do a lot of shows in the summer. I shut it down.
Starting point is 01:27:06 But you can always check me out Tuesday nights at the Pussycat Lounge at seven o'clock. I'm usually there on Tuesday night. So come down to comedystyle.com. It's not the 30th of July. Not the 30th of July, because we're going to see the great Corey Feldman on the fucking Loser's Tour.
Starting point is 01:27:21 Louserville. Louserville. Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit. And check me out, of course, on the bonfire. Go sign uperville. Loserville. Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit. And check me out of course on the bonfire. Go sign up for that, check out the podcast. Right now we're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and asking all your questions.
Starting point is 01:27:33 So go over there if you're watching on YouTube and you're tapping out, hit that subscribe button. Jay I love you buddy and thanks for being on the podcast. Love you too man. You guys are the best fans in the world. Guys what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at at Danny Braff, and come see me at the Dojo of Comedy.
Starting point is 01:27:48 Faster, Danny! You got it. Hey, this is Joe Russell. Me and my wife got a show about cheese on YouTube. Why don't you type in the cheese show, follow it, and smash that subscribe button. What? I love that we all panic.
Starting point is 01:28:00 We don't know how to promote shit. And we're not influencers at all. You guys are the best fans in the world. We'll see you next week on You Know What, Dude?

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