Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #543 | Mike Cannon | Starting a Family

Episode Date: July 14, 2024

This week Bobby talks to Mike Cannon about Starting a family, Having a Miscarriage, and touring. FOLLOW Mike Cannon / IAmMikeCannon Support the show and get 50% off your first Factor box, plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Head to https://www.factormeals.com/DUDE50 and use code DUDE50 Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, I was on bonfire. It was Christine. Oh, yeah. And she was like, you know, Mike Cannon, my worst Christian ever. You know, Mike Cannon, but he got in a really bad car accident. I was like, oh, shit. I like that that's going around and other shows. And I was I mean, I was like, what? I think he's OK. And she said, I think I'm like, what?

And I thought, you know, fucking the one I like the most. Yeah, just my late. I felt like it was my fault. Yeah. And my luck hit you. And and fucking I was so sad. I was like, shit. Weirdly enough, it was a history hyenas fan that hit us. No kidding. It was Yannis.

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plus 20% off your next month while the subscription is active. Yeah baby we're starting the podcast right now. We're back you know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. I started a social media podcast. The YKW Dude Podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD. This podcast is so fun and crazy.

It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb data, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original.

The original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original.

Welcome, I was shocked that Danny got it right. That was great, Danny. Congratulations, Danny. Congratulations. We're live, YKWD Podcast. What up, you know what, dude? We're above the Comedy Cellar, the Comedy Cellar Studios, the world famous Comedy Cellar,

and we're back again for another episode of the number one podcast above the Comedy Cellar. For sure. Guest dependent. Guest dependent. I should do this one time by myself. Just to see what the real raw numbers are.

That's always really humbling when I'm like, you know what? I think I could stand on my own and then put something out individually. We got a special guest. Danny, who do we got? Mike Cannon. Hello. Mike Cannon is here.

This is so intimate. It is intimate, dude. Very close. I tell you what, I had your boy on, Brandon Sagal, and very, very interesting. I mean, and I mean this, I know you're laughing right now. I'm just smiling, he brings me joy. I love Brandon. He's a complex young man.

Yeah. And a really sweet guy. But I was telling him, I go, dude, the only thing you have, you have the same shit we have, except you voice it a lot. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, that's what also makes him funny though, is he's like one of those dudes that's incapable of keeping it in. Yeah. So at the most inappropriate times, he'll say

something suicidal or something that's so like, wait, man, like my grandma just made a speech like at my wedding or whatever. Stop talking about your depression in this setting. Yeah, he's fucking chaos. Yeah. He's living, walking chaos. That's what I love about him though. He's such an open wound. I told him, I go, dude, you're so unique. You're a one of a kind kid. You walk in and it's you.

Yeah. A lot of guys walk in, it's the same fucking dude. He walks in and there's Sagalow about to say, he walked in and called me all kinds of names, said it was me, lied, and made up this whole scenario that didn't happen. And then I proved him wrong, we went through it, we see his side, he was like, I'm sorry, you're right.

It's like craziness. Well, that's part of the fun, and I think on his own, at least he'll expose himself to be the monster that he is, because when he was like with Feeny and I were also assholes and we're loud and the three of us together. So we got a very heavy dose of the blame for being mean to him, but it was all reaction to shit behind the scenes. Yes.

Because he's an animal. He's like a pure cretin. He's a pure cretin. And then, and we talked about how you, uh, you, uh, you, you left him and Feeny High and Dry to become successful. Sure, I mean, you know, I stayed pretty much right where I am, but. I mean, it didn't work out. No, it's not.

But you took a shot. I did, I took a big cut. That's what my name is, Mikey Big Cuts. I just take big swigs in the business and I am foul tipping. You're taking Chrissy D down, won't you? Yeah, oh, that's right, I absolutely, I'm gonna be a fucking ankle weight.

But you had you were all set up to go. You're all set up to go to to a bar stool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to do that. That's that's part of the I mean, I remember when you told me about the bar stew with you were talking to all those guys over there. And I was like, that's a smart move. They don't have, they have one stand-up comic, right? Francis.

Francis. Yeah, yeah. But you're, I mean, Francis is known from Barstool and does comedy. Yeah, but I mean, initially he was known from Barstool as he was like kind of starting comedy. Starting comedy. But then he got fired, and I think that's when he got his chops up for stand-up. But he's back. He's a good stand-up. But he's back. Yeah. No, he's a kind of starting comedy. Starting comedy. But then he got fired and I think that's when he got his chops up for stand up.

But he's back. He's a good stand up. But he's back. Yeah. No, he's a good stand up. He's a... You're like, oh, I just want to... No, he's fine.

No negativity. The kid's on tires. He's on a lot of things. Yeah, no, he's a talent, man. Which by the way, I mean, how has there ever been a role more suited for a human being than that role Francis played on tires. Do you have any clips from him? I'd like to see that.

It was unbelievable. It's everything he is. It's like how he writes blogs, but in human acting for tires is what tires is Shane's show on Netflix. Shane Gillis, Gillis, very, very proud, talented young comedian on the rise. Is that the guy who went? I'm not going to participate in that. Is that the guy who went, don't walk on the hall? I'm not going to participate in that.

I still. You can't. You're on a PCD show. Yeah. Those fans won't take that. That's why I say so little. All of my jokes got cut out. No, of course, Shane is, lookit man, that show I watched a couple episodes.

He's great. It's finally good to see a show on TV that's, they got it. They took a chance and they got it. That's why I love Shane. Even SNL, they take a chance and they got it. He's funny, the show's great. Not to polish his balls, but I love the fact

that he just also created the show without a promise of it being on anything. Like obviously his position leverages opportunity, but he got it from all this others. He got money from a tour or whatever. And then he was like, I'm going to make this show that we made. And then he turned it into opportunities for his friends, all that stuff. He's always been that guy. That's sick. He's like he's like Philly's Adam Sandler.

He yeah. Wow. That's a good way to put it. That is a good comp. He really is too bad. I'm not one of his guys. Yeah, you're not Dante. God damn it. I fucking rolled the dice with Quinn, Norton, and Voss, and Keith, and Patrice. Two of them are dead. Well one of them's dead. One of them almost died twice.

Fuck. I was thinking about that the other day. Yeah. And we were talking about this before. Is that. If podcasting. Opie and Anthony. Yeah. When that was going down, tough crowd, Opie and Anthony, if podcasting had happened, blew up during that where we all had podcasts. Yeah. I mean, you understand that fell apart.

There was a void, right? Void. Void. And then, you know, and that's when you look at it, like Rogan's crew and the All Things Comedy crew, they just, they were in it. They were already in it. They were doing it.

What do you think got them there first? Because like I, you know, as an ONA fan, I listened to you guys for years. So I like, I approached comedy in the same exact way that you guys did for better or for worse, you know, career wise. It was worse. But, but that's the funny thing is because all of you were so good and are so good, but were especially at that point, just like this bubbling emerging talent pool from New York that had you had just one leader, one person who had any kind of like business acuity that was like, guys, let's kind of figure out

how to monetize this. Yeah, we did. We had Opie and Anthony and then they fell apart. What happened there? Well, I mean, you have your moments, you know what I mean? I mean, think of it, we were selling out, you know, places, all these, you know, 20, 12,000 seat outdoor arena. We were doing these massive shows. We were living it.

Yeah. We just, we all did stand-up. Yeah. We were all in a stand-up. We weren't into anything. We were just stand-up. I mean, I did my podcast, but it was a side thing. We were all in a stand up. We weren't into anything. We were just stand up. I mean, I did my podcast, but it was a side thing. It was like, but it was, it was, we just didn't see that, that writing on the wall to do podcasts.

But now you're just like, now we're all trying to regs. You're trying to cobble together. Now I'm on regs. But I'm not even that guy anymore. Like I'm like, I'm the probably the least funny on that. They're the young bucks. They're the motherfuckers. And I'm just fucking. You're the sweet glue. You used to be the divisive hot rod. Yeah. And now you're the sweet glue. I'm not. I'm not that fucking go fuck. Because if I tell Lewis to go fuck himself, he'll get. He'll try to throw a chair

at me. Yeah. Well, you're also not physically imposing anymore. I'm not. That's it. I'm not. You've lost your authoritarian. I fucking two ton testiness. Yeah. Well, you're also not physically imposing anymore. I'm not. That's it. I'm not. You've lost your authoritarian. My fucking two ton Tessie Ness. Which we told that. Have I ever. Do we tell that story on this podcast of you throwing me face first into my camera equipment like right hours before we got on the Calta cruise? I don't know if it's that.

I think exactly what happened. Well, I didn't mean to throw you into camera equipment. Oh, I know, but this was two ton Tessie at his two ton in this. Well, well, because I I I you misrepresented yourself to me. I thought I for some reason thought you were a wrestler. I thought you were into like fighting and wrestling. I thought that you were kind of like this tough chair guy.

Yeah. I didn't know you were a basketball playing mushroom head. A no contact sport. And in my head, I just thought you were that guy. Yeah. So I was like, you know, let me fucking test the young buck. And I there was just no resistance. I mean, there I am. I'm a lot of bluster.

I've fought, of course. I've had my victories. I've had many defeats. I've I haven't fought since I've turned 30, I guess, or at least besides outside of the cellar when Sagalow and I got assaulted. You got assaulted last year? Yeah. I guess I'll tell that after this.

Yeah. But so what was I even talking about? Oh, so we're at Calta's house right before the cruise and Bobby comes out of the shower in just a towel, just looking good, just pool cover towel, walking out into the main area, and we're all getting ready, everybody's excited. You were up in Calta's room. We were up in Calta's room, all of us. The CPAP wing.

Yes, exactly. And I'm wearing my outfit, I have all my equipment, we're getting everything together. Bobby comes up behind me and- Because you guys still thought if you got a cool video, you'd pop. Yeah. Because Feeny was up your ear and you're,

hey, you know, all I was thinking is one viral video. Yeah. At that point, Feeney was still promoting the show. Bobby comes up behind me and I've never, like, I've never been manhandled with this little effort. Like, I felt how little you tried because you went like this and I think you were surprised by how easy you lifted it over your head. I grabbed you and I went, I went, I go, let me feel it. Yeah. And And I went, I went, I go, let me feel it. Yeah. And then I said, what? And you said, let me feel your strength.

Cause I thought you were, I thought you were like a wrestler. You know what I mean? Like I thought you would grab me and throw me around and it was going to be a little, you know, an arm wrestlers, they don't really fight. They just kind of go back and forth. I thought you just let me feel it. I mean, let me feel your strength feel and I picked you up like a pillow yes and I threw you and I did it and I threw you into camera equipment well because I think you

really like you picked me up and it almost was like too little effort to where you realized on the throw down that you should slow it like you were like oh no I'm gonna like paralyze this kid and then you half slowed down and I just went face first directly into my tripod, cut a U-shaped gash in my chin. Bobby in the classic, I just fucked up and I hurt my friend thing, chased me around the house and was like, oh my God, are you okay? Are you okay?

I just want some space so I can cry on my own like a dog dying at 14 years old. Just let me lay under a tree and die in peace. I'm fucking leaking before we're headed on this cruise in COVID restriction. All of Calta's people are like, dude, if you even have like dust of weed on your fingers from a week ago, you're getting thrown in the gulag.

And I'm going in with an AIDS infection on my jaw. That's, yeah, that's how we did it. I fucked up. I fucked up. I thought it was gonna be a more manly things. I didn't know I was picking up a woman basketball player. I Really? Yo, I was every bit of Caitlin Clark in that moment. I was just a hollow-boned white girl Do shit By the way, do you think the WNBA is leveraging the race war to public to promote itself?

No, I think that we're where I think I think Look man, I think you know, okay certain races That you know when you see a young black kid come out as one of the stars like, you know LeBron sure And you're like they you know, they get like this is it. We got a guy. Yeah, you know like Jordan Yeah, it was bird. Yeah, it, you know, LeBron. Sure. And you're like, they, you know, they get like, this is it. We got a guy. Yeah. You know, like Jordan. Yeah. It was Bird. Yeah. It was, you know, Magic and Bird. Magic and Bird. They also the NBA and I'm not saying that this is like

I'm not talking about the general public. I'm talking about media stuff because the NBA slightly leveraged the racial, but not even slightly leveraged the racial component of Bird versus Magic, LA versus Boston. The whitest of the whites versus fucking, the blackest of the blacks or whatever. And so now, Caitlin Clark, I don't know whether or not

the conflict is real within the league. Well, Boston was blue collar, white dude. Fucking bulbous nose mix that just haven't had a, you know. Even their black guy had freckles. Yeah. Yeah. As Johnson was like, yeah. Right.

Dude, he did have Morgan Freeman face. Wow. He had freckles, dude. That's amazing. You know what I mean? We, and LA was the elitists. Yeah. LA was the, they, you know, Hollywood.

So it was that blue collar, white fucking Boston, go fuck yourself to the Hollywood elite. Magic, who was so. Magic getting HIV must have been like just the most affirmative moment. He's still around. For sure. Well, I mean, that's money, right?

Didn't he go off his cocktail like last year and then he started like drastically losing weight again. And they're like, put him back on. Put him back on dancing with another guy in a sailor outfit. Yeah. You kissed Isaiah Thomas on the cheek. Went on Atkins. Yeah, it was, I think. So I think now they do. They're probably doing the same. I think it's the media. But it's also a lot of people are psyched that when you have somebody,

when you have a black guy in tennis, it was, I got excited. Right. Right. Great. We're going to get fucking cool tennis. Yeah. Yeah. Some guys going to go, motherfucker. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, you're going to you got to get psyched up for that. So now to have a white girl that's good, a white girl that's good in basketball, you're bringing a bunch of more people in that are going to watch it.

So is it racial? Yes, but not in a bad way. Yeah, no, I think both. I mean, I think it could be manipulated. I think they're making it into a bad way. I think it's very fun, though. Isn't it funny? I don't think it's race either.

I think it's all these girls who put this shit together, been working their ass off to make this league the shit, and they happen to be black girls, and they're the shit, and all of a sudden, yeah, this white girl comes in that's good, and yeah, she's great, but is she the best? We don't know yet. Oh, I'd be pissed about that too.

Anytime some new TikTok queen comes into New York Comedy Club and bumps me justifiably, I get upset, and I claim racial. Yeah. I'm not above upset and I claim racial. I'm not above it. I'm just saying it's a fun. It's a it's a fun source of topic. You know, yeah, she's going to get shit and she's got to take it. She's also got to lift motherfucking weights. She's got to, you know, she's got to get her arms to be as strong as her jawline.

Yeah, you got to you better keep this up. You better you better be the Larry Bird of the WNBA. Yeah. And and and keep it up because it's a first year and everybody's excited. Everybody's just excited about new. Yeah, it's the new. And now there's all these other people that are coming in that are going to watch the sport. So all this controversy, it's all good for the sport. So fuck. But that's what I mean by them leveraging it for the good of the league.

Like it actually boosts their visibility. It also gets clicks, man. Because, well, I think WNBA has a higher social media, whatever the interactive interaction than almost any right now than any other professional league. It worked. Yeah, it worked. I know. You know, you get like Howard Stern back in the day.

He always used to say the people that hated him. Listen, you get that. You You gotta have people hate ya. You gotta have people love ya and hate ya, because that controversy is what gets you on the paper and what gets you on the paper gets more people listening and some of the people that hated you will like you. When I did fuckin' YKWD and I had Joe, Dan, and Lewis on, people hated Lewis.

They fuckin' would email me all the time, get him off, dude I'm not listening anymore, fuck that. Those same people, I got the same emails. After a time they were like, you know what, I like Lewis. Yeah, because he's fucking controversial. He's coming in and doing stuff that we're not just sitting there. Dan was the neutral guy, Joe was the zinger, Lewis was the fucking rattlesnake. It was a cast of fucking cast. I wish we could play the episode where he came in as the rattlesnake. He may...

Well, I've told you this, and it's embarrassing to admit, but I've gone through your old episodes as if it's like... Why is that embarrassing? Because it's like fan shit, but I like your work. But I've watched fucking... Here's a scenario. No, you haven't. Not even when we were on your network. Did you quality control one fucking clip, let alone an episode?

That's very sweet of you to lie. But it's funny because you go through it and I've gone through the errors of it. And because they're all still up there, by the way, warts and all, which you should scrub so much of it. But the episodes are like first appearance of Lewis, first appearance of Dan, Joe, almost like it's Wolverine showing up in Spider-Man.

It's cool as shit. Yeah, I remember the day he came in and I was like, he's doing a character. And he fucking did it. He treated it like wrestling, on the heel. I'm gonna be the heel. So yeah, it was fucking, it was exciting when that happened. Lewis with that, I've actually been thinking about it

because I do think like, Kill Tony is also kind of similar vein of like Lewis's style, right? Of like that wrestling kind of like big, theatrical, big thing. And I feel like Lewis was almost the first one there. So it feels like his kind of wrestling influence may have spurned something, but I'm pretty reluctant to give him

that much credit. Why, doggy? Yeah, what were we talking about? You were going to get back to that story. Fuck. God damn it. Remember when you said that? I know the WNBA.

I'm too old and you smoke too much pot. That was so dumb. I'm sorry. Yes Damn, I wish I had producers. What were we talking about guys? Can I say one thing is I've thought Danny and it still might be true But I've thought Danny had like an active hatred for me for like a really long time. I have no idea I just I have main character syndrome and I just assume everybody's talking about me right before I walk into every room.

But as I walked in, Danny gave me like the most beautiful Shrek-like crooked smile and it warmed my heart. I was like, wow, what a warm room. I'm genuinely welcomed here. That's Danny's face. I've been in the car with Danny and I'm like, here. That's Danny's face. Yeah. I've been in a car with Danny, and I'm like, this kid hates me.

I mean, he has that face. Yeah. And his tone stinks. He has albino jack-o-lantern face. He's autistic, and he's proud of it. Is that true, or is that just a moniker? Have you seen him? For sure.

But autism, you can't really wear it. Yeah, you can on his face. You're talking to him. He's fucking over there. Are you listening? I am intently. I think that's a DD. Oh, yeah. He has a nice I think it's all one thing. Wow. That must be tough to be both autistic and a DD because then you're off in several different worlds. Yeah, dude.

It's great to have somebody run your social media though. That's nice. And be the producer. Yeah. It's fantastic. Eat in. So yeah, dude, you were doing the podcast on here with those three fucking guys.

Yeah. And... I miss it. I miss hanging with them every single week. That was the best part. Yeah, there's not some type of relief though that you don't have to fucking... Totally. There's relief in not having to work with your friend. Like, it's just taking a

break from working with your friends. It's like, and I'm sure the same relief will come if and when Chris and I start doing our own thing. Like, that it's just like, it's great to work with your friends. And then it does add a bit of pressure or at least a different dynamic to things where you have to be more responsible. Sometimes you have to check. Like I don't want to be a hall monitor principal that tries to like get everybody on the same page to promote everything or to schedule or anything like that. And I hate having to do it.

So it's like, sometimes it's just more convenient to work with yourself because you don't have anybody to answer to. Yeah, and you guys, plus Feeny is hard to deal with. Well, and then they had a child and it's a nightmare. We're getting another baby, right? You have another baby. Yeah, coming in August. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I'm so stoked, dude. It was a long, wild road. I mean, I met you when you guys, none of you had kids. Yeah, yeah. Now you have kids. It makes me so happy when a guy gets a kid.

Yeah, yeah. And I just like, now you know what I was going through. Now you know fucking having to get in your car, go to the city, having to fucking do spots, go on the road, and then you just want to get home to that kid. That's all you want to do. It's like, that's what kinda took that fucking go fuck yourself.

You know, I always worried about getting too happy, you know, because you need that edge. Yeah. But I feel like that's opened you up to different kinds of funny. I feel like you rang that towel dry of that edgy version of Bob. And now you're on to a different tangential version of yourself. Maybe. Yeah, I think so. I mean, that's how to fucking great. I might even use that pitch. Yeah, I mean, I'm just also trying to make an excuse

for why I'm less funny than I was before. It's not less funny, right? But it's you know, you're less hardened. Yeah. Happiness kind of fucks funny. Yeah, you know, the myth. That's why like I was telling Sagalow, it's like, dude, all this chaos is makes you punk rock. Yeah, you know, it's like when when fucking, you know, a band becomes successful.

They lose some of that edge. Yes. And I think with comics, too, you can't help it. You lose a little of that edge where it's, I'm going to go home. So it's interesting, the way I'm viewing it is I'm not necessarily, I don't think I'm losing an edge because I'm still joking in the same kind of tone or version of what I am, but empathy, like empathy is tough for comedy because once you have empathy for other people then you feel bad for mocking them. But in my mind, or at least how I'm trying to convince myself is that empathy

is giving me yet another thing that I have to get over to write a better joke. So it's actually providing a bet, a boundary to where I have to write a better joke to get to the insulting thing without hopefully insulting the person or without making myself feel like shit for tearing them apart yeah like I have I have some I'm working on my new shit now and all of it starts at the most judgmental place imaginable it starts with an opinion and these people that do this are gay or whatever you know like that look it you even fucking corrected the gay exactly what did I you ain't gay or whatever?

You know whatever lifestyle you choose We did opiate Anthony when we started even doing podcasting why can you didn't have this where was this going right? It was just going to the fans. Yeah. Yeah now this shit will be used against you if you if they want, you know, it's like you kind of and you evolve as a human now that you got a kid. Yeah, yeah. They're going to hear your shit someday. Right. You know, there's going to be a day when Max is going to see me or hear me in studio at Open Entity, where they're putting a whiffleball

bat in a woman's vagina, seeing how far she can take it. Don't you love that though? Isn't part of you like, I don't know, maybe again, I'm like a delusional idiot when it comes to this stuff, but I love the fact that my son can hear me be the worst version of myself and then into a more grown version of myself. It's like, hopefully that gives him some sort of license

to make mistakes on his own and not fuck up and or in not like feel bad about fucking up and talk to himself in a more kind way than I talk to myself. Like I never knew my parents were children, let alone made a mistake. Like my parents felt like they were born adults. They never were. Because that's the way parents were back. And they never they treated me like I was a fucking alien and any child behavior that

I did that was like so Unacceptable, they were just like what like what the fuck are you doing? I'm like nobody's telling me anything right like please explain what it do it does fuck me up though every time I hold a whiffle ball bat that memory Yeah, you want to play with a ball. I guess is it a new bat I'm looking for sharpie markers with names on it. Cindy, you know, I mean, it does it does kind of fuck me up a little bit, but it's

it's like because now podcasting, like when you did this podcast, you don't know what's going to hit. You don't know what you're doing something like, oh, this is great. Here's the scenario was great Irish Goodbye you're doing this stuff with your friends, and it's poppin. It's going good, but then you have to think about look look I need to do something that's actually making me money totally I can't fuck around with my time anymore Yeah, and then you get that barstool things happening. Yeah, and that you and I remember that I was I was so happy Yeah, I was like this is great. Well cuz And that you and I remember that I was I was so happy. Yeah, I was like, this is great. Well, because I mean, you know, I don't know if you and I are similar in this way,

but I feel this is my made up connection to you. But I feel like you got passed over for a bunch of industry stuff. Yeah, especially early on, you didn't hit like those roadblocks or road markers of like the half hour, the tonight show until later or anything like that. And I haven't done that stuff. Like all of my success is, and I did put up quotes for anybody who's just listening audio, is self-generated in the sense that I've made my own specials. All the podcasts, the guesting, that's all me going on this stuff, doing it. Chris just produced, DeStefano just produced my newest special that's going to come out. And that's like kind of the first outside of you giving me your audience,

Ari, that stuff. But like, that's the first technical like boost up official production release on my platform that I've ever gotten. So it's like this, to me, that barstool thing represented like more than just even the opportunity. It was almost like that, that dad that said, good job. Yeah, it was, it was the industry. Yeah. Yeah. Give it, uh, accepting you totally.

And then it's, it's right there. Yeah. And then like the industry and like my dad, even more like my dad. I mean, that must have, well, how did you feel? Like I know, dude, I've had situations. I had a pilot I shot for FX with me, two actors, and Godfrey. And I was the lead. I was number one on the call. That was the cop show?

Cop show. Yeah, I remember. Called Bronx Warrants, right and I was the lead and I was number one on the call sheet And I I mean I'm like it's here. Yeah, it's here cuz you're always like it's coming Yeah, you're in your heart. You never ever give up on it. It's gonna it could it's gonna happen. Yeah, I will get there I'm not you know, and I'm like I'm here and I remember Working it was such a rough shoot and you know, low budget and FX was you know, was involved, which

was my favorite network of all times with the shield and sons of anarchy and rescue me. I'm like, this is exactly what I wanted. This is exactly what it was. Like all that shit I did all those shows. Yeah, all those middle spots, Torgasm, being on that shit, just being the second mother, and here I am, and I got it, and they fucking, they put it in, it's like, here we go, great show, funny, and then they picked up that other show brah

Brooklyn nine nine Brooklyn nine nine. Oh, that's that's wild that they did like two cop shows And just to know that that's on a shelf Yeah, it's to never be seen that sucks that you can't even like put it out for your fans to see or anything like that. Like, that would be so cool. I was friends with the cops that came up with it. The director. We were going to dinners. We were you know what I mean? Like you it's it's so much like my childhood

where you have this surrogate family that you belong. Yeah. Well, that's the right. You see, I have a little bit of that as well, where I'm constantly looking for a mentor, father, figure, type, belonging, family, community. So then when things go away like that, I'm left, I mean, little boy on the curb in the rain, just waiting for somebody to pick me up.

Yeah, it was so sad. And then to see the dwindle away, like the friendships just go away. You know what I mean? And you're like, yeah, they're coming to your shows. I bet it came to the cellar. I remember the night I had auditioned for that. And I remember fucking Serpico and Siletti, these fucking assholes that they are, they called me and I got the call and they're like, all right, listen. You want the good news or the bad news?

I was like, fuck, I've been here before too. They like you but they don't want you for, and I was like, oh, god damn it. And they told me some bullshit and I was like, all right. They were like, we're just kidding. You got it. And I was like, I was like, what? I was on I was right here. Yeah, I was coming to this point. I went, what?

Oh, my God. And I looked up to God. Yeah, I was like, thank you. Did you burst into tears? I didn't. I remember I looked up to God. Yeah. I was like, fuck, dang. Did you burst into tears? I didn't, I'm not a fucking queer. I am. Yeah. Dude, I'm almost crying right now.

I remember I was just like. This is like Rudy, dude. This is the shit that gets me is those tales of redemption. Like those moments where it's like, hey, you did it. All that bullshit for this, you did it. Dude, Andrew Schultz was. Cut the movie right there. You should've got hit by a fucking bus on the Google.

I remember. Schultz was a fucking, like one of the actors, the guys we were chasing. And I'm like, gosh, and I remember doing, it was like, now you look at this, you look at where Schultz is now. Yeah. Playing the garden.

Yeah. The guy that was the, you know, the day player in my pilot naked crackhead naked crackhead Yeah is playing the garden. It's wild and he's a gazillionaire, right? Yeah. Sorry. I have to park I totally forgot that I had to do that Do you hate me Bobby? I'm sorry I promise we're gonna get back to really meaningful conversation because I care for you and I'm here. So sad.

I've fully invested. It's so sad that you interrupted our conversation and you have to pay. Oh no, I parked the wrong car. God damn it. This is our life. Damn it. You can't even afford to pay in a garage. No, that garage is always fucking full.

And the way they tell me it's full makes me feel like I'm going to get arrested because they're like, dude, the fact that you even pulled in here thinking there was a spot in this garage means you're retarded And I like every single time I go into like fight or flight, and I'm either gonna just do something I regret you drive. Yeah, I'm cool. Well. Yeah, it didn't go anywhere. I'm now I Shows played the garden, and I'm here with you me you are still together She'll play the garden. I'm parked for another two hours on fourth Me and you are still together. She'll play the garden.

I'm parked for another two hours on fourth. Yeah, but then when they told you that you, the barstool stuff, when it wasn't going through, how crushing was that? Well, I got a, the whole process was honestly the most crushing because it was so like, it was just so long. It took like seven months to go through this

contract process and I thought like, was it was it like, was it life changing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was all added it like outside of initially, I didn't have to give up the show. What were you going to do? I was going to do my own podcast, I was going to do the poker show, which they which on barstool and with pen because that was who it was gonna be, and they're a gambling thing. I mean, they would have got me access to like Daniel Negranu, Phil Ivey, like real poker player,

maybe Ben Affleck. People don't know this about you, you were a professional poker player. I played for a living when I was young. That's a professional. Yes, but I didn't have much responsibility to have to pay for bills or anything like that. But you paid for college. I paid for a lot, yeah. I paid for my much responsibility to have to pay for bills or anything like that. But you paid for college.

I paid for a lot. Yeah, I paid for my basketball team to go to lunch every day for a year. But you paid your bills with poker. Yeah. That's nuts. That's a professional. Yeah, for a little bit. And here you are, you're about to get the dream gig. Yeah, being able to kind of play poker and do comedy for a living. And on Barstool, which Barstool is still the shit.

And I was going to do a basketball show too, which I put on my YouTube, like Old Man Basketball, but I would have had more of a budget, so it would have been a better show. It was just a whole thing that I was very excited about. Things fall apart. It just so happens. Why? What happened? Dave bought it back, and he just didn't want to do

the New York comedy thing. Why? I don't know. He at least has consistently never liked comedians. Why? Because he doesn't think he needs them, which he doesn't. His business model is proven. He does not need comedians. He takes college kids, pays them whatever, builds them up. They become stars or they don't, so he either fires them or pays them their value when they get to be big or they leave right like that's kind of that's the way he built his business and I can't like what am I gonna say you're wrong mister well I'm you know Kevin is the opposite who's totally loves comics yeah supports well

it was his thing yeah his thing and then I guess that went away once yeah once Dave bought it but yeah it was like it's just one of those things where I can intellectualize that it went away I totally understand this is the business that I voluntarily entered. I've had things go away before, not of this level at all. It definitely, at the time also, not to get into, you know, this was up in the air kind of, you know, looking like it was going to be, looking like it was going to be signed, finalized. So I was like, babe, let's have this second kid. And I just drop a fat batch right into my chick. She dropped a bar stool batch and it was really just, it was just another podcast.

We were going to name them final Burke, but it was like just a pure load and she, yeah, full, you know, positive. Let's go. Like a week after she got positive or she was positive, bar stool goes away. Like a week after, like as that happened, my wife got COVID really bad. She gets COVID miscarriage. So not only did bar stool kill your baby, baby went away. I got pump faked by two bees. Dave Portner killed your baby? Baby went away. I got pump faked by two bees. Dave Portnoy killed your kid. He sure did by stress. Did you name it?

I named him Dave. Dave Portnoy Cannon. Poor little Dave Cannon went down the toilet like your fucking deal. So that happens devastating, right? To you or the baby? To everybody. The baby's probably pumped. He doesn't have to, you know, be birthed into a non-barstool job having a father. So that kid's dead.

Probably my daughter. But we move on, you know, kind of try to it's devastating. I'm trying to figure out a way to like, you know, make up all this money. Chris is in is I'm going on the road with Chris at this time a little bit. And you know, and we're just talking and he's like, just telling me he's overworked overloaded. He's got a ton of shit going on. He's you know, I'm just talking to him about it Not thinking anything about it. He's like giving me advice about barstool all that stuff after barstool went away. I He asked me to be his co-host cuz he was like listen I'm either gonna stop or do you want to come on was he gonna stop what it's Chrissy chaos, right?

Yeah, I think it was just like I don't know if he was really gonna stop. He's what is What was Chris doing? He was doing Chrissy chaos. Hey, babe, and hey babe and like I mean, know if he was really gonna stop he's what was Chris doing he was doing Chrissy chaos hey babe and hey babe and like I mean you know patreon for both right both all that shit like is he still doing hey babe yeah yeah yeah and now he's got a thing with Mattel like he's he's working he's got a lot of shit going on so he to lighten his load which I'll happily take his load, which I'll happily take his load. Yeah. And he asked me to. In the contract. That's for sure. You have to take his load.

Yeah, that's how we shook. We came in our palms and Newsy shook. And then licked it. Like a warrior. Put it on each other's faces like blood. It's a load down your face. Here's another one of my babies. Oh.

Ah. So he asked me to do that. I'm, you know, I say yes. It's kind of, it's kind of not, it's not happening yet or whatever. My wife and I are still kind of like not trying, but just, just banging, just seeing what we can do. Yeah. And we get pregnant right away.

You get pregnant again. Which like, we're like, oh shit, like so quick that we thought it wasn't real that it was like a chemical pregnancy. Right, yeah. Because that's what every doctor said. They're like, listen, your body can sometimes read that it's still pregnant. You know, a miscarriage is a good thing. Yeah, because-

I had a miscarriage. No, my wife. Oh. My wife had one. Before we had Max. Yeah. I was on the set of Cheat, filming Cheat, and I got the call that she was trying to get pregnant for two years.

She finally got pregnant. And I remember telling Billy and Joe, I was like, dude, I'm gonna have a baby. And it was that, I made a mistake. You're not supposed to tell anybody. And I told them, and I told a couple other people, and then a couple days later, she had a miscarriage, or a week later, she had a miscarriage.

You had to go back and go, hey guys. JK. Ha ha ha ha. Pump fake, baby pump fake. Janelle's not here. Ha ha ha ha. Well, we told my son too, which that was actually the worst part.

Can't. Well, my wife was, she was 11 weeks when we we told him she had the miscarriage at 10 weeks We didn't know yet. We were going to the doctor at 12 at 12 or like actually between 11 and 12, right? So we had told my we went to a doctor then we were gonna go for the note Whatever, but we had been confirmed enough for us to feel okay. Obviously not enough for you know, the baby to survive But then we told our son we explained what happened afterwards and he was you know the baby to survive a bit more sure but uh then we told our son we explained what happened afterwards and he was you know explained it we explained it we said it's your fault the baby knew you'd be jealous and

you weren't ready to be a big brother so unfortunately it said goodbye where is Where is he? Over there. Under your pillow. He's put a little foot. Sorry, I'm sorry. But it is. It's a good thing. It actually... No, I mean something was wrong. Something's wrong. And the next one, the doctor, that's what they said to us, that probably the next time she does get pregnant and that's what happens. It's like jettisoning waste into space. Yeah, it's jettisoning that kid that would have been a burden. Yeah, I mean, you know, I would have had a daughter, but she would have been, you know,

had a fucking daughter like Danny Cleft face. Sorry, Danny. I didn't think it was going to go there. Sorry. Speaking of kids, hang on one second. Oh, yeah. Is your son OK? I don't know, man. I don't know. My wife forgot to pick up my son at school, not even at school. He meets her at this bodega down the street.

Every, you know, every day. Numbers. Hello. Did you get him? Thanks. Max. Yeah, I got him. What was he doing? Well, today he asked me this morning if I could pick him up at the store at the bodega. I was there.

I'm a father. I'm your husband. I get it. And so I just told him to wait for me if he wanted to go in the reptile store to go in there. And then he was just sitting on the step to the street waiting for me to go pull up. OK, all right. He's safe.

He's safe. He's fine. He was a snake. No, thank goodness. OK. All right. All right. I love you. I love you, too. I'll see you in a little while. All right. What time are you heading home? In like an hour Okay

We're in the middle of the podcast right now. Do I have to do a lot of stuff when I come home? Um, I don't know it might it might start adding up a little bit. I gotta go Supposed to keep your edge. Yeah. Well, you just don't go home. You wait till it's dark. That's when you go home. You just be like, wow, crazy traffic. But it's summer. You're like, I know, 10 p.m.

Oh, God. But yeah, dude, so you I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just make sure you pick the kid up. Oh, yeah, no. So where was he? He's talking about Chrissy. Oh yeah, so he asked me to come on as co-host. Because yeah, just to lighten his workload

and wanting to kind of reshape the show, do it a little bit differently now and again. And it's been super fun. So now, do you still go on the road with him? Now and again, every so often, but not really. Like I'm Intentionally trying to keep it separate because I love I mean I'm not playing the same venues as him so it doesn't matter He's playing huge venues and it's great to go to those towns and then hopefully

Some of those people will come to see my full show has it has it gone over. Yeah. Yeah, totally fans Just love you. Yeah, I mean a fair amount of them a good amount of them, you know, they're upset. I'm not Greek. Really? For sure. Which I have nothing to do with it. There's a Greek out there. There's a Greek out there going, you're not Greek. I don't know what to tell you. That's my husband's first marriage. I get a lot of shit too. I'm sure. Yeah. It's tough to go on to a thing that already exists because it's no matter what it's change and some of the people are ready for it.

And then some of the people, I mean, a lot of people hate change on any level, especially when it's a person who like really wants their approval. I don't understand. I don't understand though. It's like it's not it's not. It's not a religion. It's not a you know, it's it's not a it's like the change in the secret sauce of your favorite chicken place.

Yeah, it's still chicken. You know, it's not it's just and it's just people would just this whole thing is like we're just trying to make you laugh for a little bit, dummies. Stop fucking taking it so life or death, but they, I mean, they, when they love something, they love it. Totally, and I get it.

I've had shows that have changed that I got mad at, I guess, but not podcasts. I haven't really invested all that much into it, but I mean, I get it, you know? I get also that I am hateable because there's nobody that understands that on a thorough level more than me. I have to accept that too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I can't even listen to myself. No. I hate it. Have you? Do you listen to this? No, I don't want to hear me. No, I'm appreciative of the people that like it. There's enough of you out there for me to continue.

Yeah. So thank you. That's all you have to do is keep the numbers above 50. Yeah, I'm above water. My nose is right here with the waves laughing a little bit. I know. So like this show with him, what are you going to do? Do you have a TV show? Are you just going to stand up? So I just filmed my special. Chris produced it.

Is it a crowd work special? No, it's a real, it's an hour. How many crowd work specials did you do? I just did one. I just did my special, Chris produced it. Is it a crowd work special? No, it's a real, it's an hour. How many crowd work specials did you do? I just did one. I just did one on Edibles. And then I did a show of comedians doing crowd work on Edibles. That was just a show.

I stopped calling them specials after that first one, because I released it almost as like, hey, this year I'm putting out a bunch of shit. Like I'm putting out an hour special. Content. Yeah, content. I'm putting out a crowd of shit. Like I'm putting out an hour special content. Yeah. Content. I'm putting out a crowd work special. I'm putting out all this. Like I put out like Mike takes edible, like all this shit.

I was putting out see what specific here because you wanted to do it. Exactly. And I was feeling really manic and motivated and inspired. And so I was like striking while the iron was hot in terms of my own motivation. So, you know, I get it that crowd work specials are overdone, crowd work itself is overdone. It's unfortunately like kind of a necessary selling tool because unless you wanna see the same bit in different clubs or whatever,

or from the same special reposted over and over and over again, I'm just trying to sell fucking tickets any way I can. Well, you're just trying to content for people to consume. Yeah. That's coming from you that makes him laugh and or entertains him for a second. Which is funny because it costs me so much money for people to call me gay.

And like unfunny and a jerk and what like I'm ruining their lives. And it's like, yeah, I don't know, man. Sorry. Sorry that this free thing you know, Jay's putting out a crowd word special. I mean, that's going gonna be, that I hope should maybe, what is it, solder off the end a little bit. What do you mean? But like, Jay is it. Jay's that dude.

Jay, I'll tell you something. I watched a six minute teaser of it and Jay does have the ability, he makes crowd work look like standup. Yeah. He really does. He can write like- On stage. Yeah. But in narrative,

like not even just in the moment reactive shit. He can come up with characters and a whole throughline and a and b plots where I mean, I'm, I'm a fan of Jay's and I've listened recently to some of his early crowd work stuff. And I think the one where I promised myself, I'm not going to say it, which was all about like, you know, had she banged a black guy or whatever. It has like 15 callbacks. And you're like, how do you have that memory? How do you have that ability to harness and just like, I don't know, fire like that. I'm so impressed by everything he does. And I'm just, uh, yeah, he's the new one is real. I mean, I was blown away by it because I was watching it and I'm like, OK, crowd work. But it seemed like a regular set. Yeah.

He really does put that set up, punch, tag, story. He really does all from sitting down and just going, there's not a lot of stall. No. A lot of crowd work is like, where are you from? What do you do? There's not a lot of it. It's one thing and then he's off.

And it's also never rushed, it's never forced because you see, and I'm guilty of it as well, is like just to break tension or whatever. I'll give like too hard of a smile or like lean in or do something where it shows like he's losing him. Like that kind of, like, oh, he's fighting for it. But Jay is always just kind of sitting, allowing it to come to him.

Yeah, no rush. No, no, like neediness to it at all. It's it's it's fucking awesome. Yeah, and now you got this this other special coming up. But is this so this one so now there's there's also interest in it. It's if it's if it's YouTube, it's coming. What does that mean? There's you know, people want to see it to say no like That's what that means. People. Why are we so fucking negative? I because I mean, here's the thing it to say no. Like that's what that means. People want to see it. Why are we so fucking negative? Because I mean, here's the thing. If they say yes, fuck yeah, dude. But if you've heard me in what I've experienced

for the last 12 months and having things given and then take it away, I'm not necessarily putting a ton of stock, which by the way, we didn't even get so real quick. We get pregnant right away, which is the chemical pregnancy. We're told it might not be real, schedule an appointment in a couple weeks,

we'll see what's going on. So we're like, okay, I go down and do the Tampa Comedy Festival, or the Sunshine Comedy Festival, and I bring my wife and my son, and we're having a great time. Comics also, Rosebud brought her kid, it was just really great. And my wife has just like, she has a fucking miscarriage,

or at least a visible Bleeding like while we're out at this restaurant and we were just like god damn it, dude Like again, just one of those absolutely heart-wrenching have to shield my son from it But also like kind of push through and like, you know make the vacation still whatever I have to be there for my wife while I'm also working have to be a dad Like it's just a tough fucking situation. Yeah. And so she calls the doctor. Never mind your meals ruined. I was eating pasta marinara. Oh great. Check! Check please.

So, is this something wrong with the food? Look. Okay sir. What did the plate fall face down on your lap? Would you like this to go? That or this? Yeah, I think that already went.

I didn't want that to go. So, yeah, so that we she like calls the doctor. The doctor does all the due diligence of like, yep, sounds like a miscarriage. Like, that's what they said. Who's your doctor, boss? It's like Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. Hello, everybody. That's a miscarriage. Who's your doctor boss like dr. Nick from the Simpsons? Hello everybody That's a miscarriage So yeah, so that's like the confirmation

But then we stay in Florida We finish out the festival and my wife keeps the appointment because she's like I want to just see what I can do to get My hormones back in check my just then retry like this is it, it's not, it's kind of atypical to have two in a row. Thank God you kept the appointment. Go ahead. Yeah. So we keep the appointment, you know, she's ripping cigarettes, sipping whiskey, doing blow off my son's forehead. Just, you know, injecting whatever's left of the baby. Back to normal. And so like a week or two after Florida, we

go to the appointment and my wife goes in and you know, I have, you know, half crying eyes from what they're going to confirm. My son's sitting there and then she texts me and she's like, um, I'm still pregnant. We find out if it's a boy today, a boy or a girl today or a hairlib. I'm by the way, the way, I think she said either 11 or 13 weeks. It was like she was crazy pregnant. Not just pregnant, she was crazy pregnant. We were like, what the fuck? But it was healthy though.

Healthy. Everything's healthy. Because there is a point where you can choose. Totally, yeah. There's that point where, hey, listen, this is going to be taxing. Yes. Yeah. And everything's fine.

Everything's fine. Went through the testing. It turned out that the bleeding was like a hematoma, which is apparently pretty typical amongst women and not a lot. Talk about it. My wife found that out later from just mentioning it and like so many women were like, oh, me too. Me too. Me too. They'd never it's like be a little more transparent lady. But you know, be more transparent with your bloody hematomas.

Yeah, with your sopping clams. You have pussy, your blood bubbles that are in your pussy. Blood bubbles. It's such a shitty thing to be a woman. Yeah. Just to be out having dinner and your your your vag might bleed. I know you ruin the night by doing that. Yeah, I worry about a pee stain. Never mind. I know you ruin the night by doing that. Yeah, I worry about a pee stain Your insides just falling out of your change purse

So that was terrible we went too far. Yeah, sorry. Yeah change person So you finally you have it so yeah, that's and that is that baby is the current baby that we're waiting on in August and It's a boy. It's a boy. You know the boy. Yeah, that's great. Your son's gonna have a bro Yeah, how old you kid now? He's gonna be five two weeks before. He's an older brother. Yeah Is he excited? He is so fucking excited. So you told him when did you tell him we uh, we waited We waited a little bit. Yeah, we waited till they were like, yep. He's he's viable. He's Like all right, good stuff. Good. Yeah, I think we waited till they were like, yep, he's he's viable. He's viable. And we're like, all right, good stuff. Good. I think we waited till like 20 weeks on this. Good. Yeah. She was like half showing and he's like, Mom, you look

disgusting. I'm getting fat. She's like, well, I'm growing your best friend inside of me. So I'm sorry, buddy. We just touch feet. I like that. So now now you you do, how do I say this? You're into drugs. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Do you smoke weed? I only enjoy, I haven't really been smoking weed. I've been taking edibles. But that's- You take, you do weed? I've been micro-dolling. So I'm like kind of more on the, this sounds so fucking lame, but I'm like trying to just write the

ship mentally and emotionally as best as I can right now with drugs. Do you take out the drugs? I mean, I microdose on mushrooms that's been you don't do anything else. No, no, nothing like nothing chemical or anything like that. I don't drink microdosing on mushrooms. What is that? That's just a trace amount of psilocybin. That it doesn't fuck you up. You're not like, it's just like a slight glimmer of hope.

Like that's it. It's just like makes the clouds part just a little bit. What, I don't understand. It's just a little bit of psychedelic mushrooms and it doesn't have a psychoactive effect on you. It does kind of uplift you a little bit. Does it make you addictive? Does it make you want it?

No, not that I've found. I mean, here's the thing is like, I probably should, or not should, but I could be on an antidepressant. I could be on something like that. I don't really wanna fuck with my brain chemistry right now. I wanna see if I can like maybe do it without that because I'm really feeling creative and good and you know, all that stuff.

So I wanna just see if I can write the ship holistically, that because I'm really feeling creative and good and you know all that stuff so I want to just see if I can right the ship holistically I guess or outside of just you know pouring whatever inside of you yeah I just like it just I've seen pills I've just seen on everybody creative that I know that has taken pills and I'm sure it's worked for a lot of people and I'm sure I'll get a lot of messages after this but the creative people in my life that have done it they've noticed an effect. On the micro-dosing?

No, no, when they've taken pharmaceuticals and they've noticed an effect, an impact on their creativity, and it helps their anxiety. Yeah, it dulls it a little bit. It dulls it. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I... That madness, as Robin Williams described it,

but that is kind of the way that sets artists or people that comment on the world or sing or express themselves, that's what gives them a perspective. It's not just a drug, a drug gives you the same perspective as everybody else. Right. On purpose. But do you think, have you ever taken it,

do you ever just not micro dose, where you just take mushrooms? Yeah. Yeah, what is that? That's awesome. I mean, that like I'm trying to I'm not trying. But I floated it out there to my father just to see if he would do it. You know, since he's in the fourth quarter. And I just want to see like if he if he like has a really big moment

where he emotionally connects, what does it do to you? Like taking mushrooms to get fucked up. What? But that is so that is so you can take anything to get fucked up. OK, all right. Can I can I can is this a safe space? Can I can I talk about this in the way that I like? I won't fuck with you. OK, because I love psychedelics. I think the approach and the mindset to it is everything, because if you want to get fucked up, you can just get fucked up

and have a good time and go out and party and just be like, I see fucking goblins and everything's the funniest and no, no, is that, you know, whatever, like, and then dark, whatever. Or you can set the intention of being like, all right, this might be a deep dive into myself. I might, I might confront some pretty uncomfortable shit that I've been, you know, suppressing. After that, there might be some light, whatever. I want to gain information and peace through this process. That's how I enter it every single time, unless I'm at Skankfest. And that on any heavy dose, I have kind of a period of, I call it nope, where it's so potent and so overwhelming and I'm being confronted by all the things that I hate about

myself that I can't really talk or socialize or interact with other people. So I just kind of buckle in and just face it. And then once I'm out out of that, it's more of a euphoric almost like shooting love and rainbows out of every fingertip chest, low nipples, all of that feeling just like, you know, connected to my best friends, connected to the world, feeling less cynical, more love, more positivity. It's a place I'd like to get to more often and just flatly can't. What's your worst one?

I mean, my worst ones are just moments of the good ones. Have you ever had a bad one where it's like? Totally, yeah, but it's just moments of the good ones where I've been like, I've gotten really fucked up thinking about my relationship with my mom. I was just, actually going to Skank Fest last year, Feeny and I took mushrooms and went to Area 15. I couldn't imagine Feeny on mushrooms.

That's how we became really good friends though, is because we connected through psychedelics and we found the thing inside of each other that we fully like. I wish he took them all. It is funny how like Feeny doesn't appear to be a mushroom guy. No, he appears to be.

Like a wasp. A waspy, narcissistic, focused climber. When you when you call me, hey, man, what's up? What's up, dude? He calls me. Hey, Robert. What? I was wondering, you got a second,? I guess this this this thing I'm doing. What? All right. It's about you.

I love your relationship with me. It's one of my favorite. Like, you guys should have a show together. Not a pod, but like I'd kill. I'd have to do mushrooms. Yeah. But it would be so much conflict and really good funny conflict. Because he's the exact guy that rubs you like guys like you.

He can the wrong fucking way. Triggers triggers me. And I like Feeny a lot. Of course, yeah. But he's a trigger. He's the guy that I always wanted to beat up. Yeah, he's the guy that I would take his lunch money, but he would be like, all right, whatever, take my lunch money if that's what you got to do. Cause you're poor.

What? That's exactly. Yes. And then I try to give it back. He'd be like, I don't want it. I don't need it. You need it more than me. Yeah. You need it more than me. Anyways, guys, I'm doing this new thing. What? I don't know. He's just that guy. I remember there was a kid, there was these twins in school, two blonde kids, they were twins, and I was trying to copy off one of the tests. I was like, yo dude, give me the answer. And he went, no.

And I go, dude, I just need this one answer on the test. And he's like, no, do it yourself. And I was like, I'll fucking kill you. And he was like, okay, then kill me. And I was like, I'm going to really hurt you. You downgraded the threat. He was like, I don't care. I'm busy. I was like, oh, I don't really want to fight you.

But I'm going to have to. And he just didn't do it. And I found was like, all right, whatever. And I failed the test. Where does that fucking energy go, dude? That happened to me the other night on third. night, whatever, and I failed the test. Where does that fucking energy go, dude? That happened to me the other night on third. So by the way, I got hit by a car, we'll talk, whatever.

We gotta talk about that. So since then, people have just been, or at least I've been noticing it, just aiming for my car on the road. Like on the FDR, people are literally just cutting me off. It's just paradox. Yeah, seeing me, they're like, you look shaken. They're driving direct. God. God wanted you and you fucking beat it.

And now you're sending more. Yeah, it's final destination. So I got hit by a cab also the other day, like after this. But I'm just I'm just driving and I'm stopped. Everybody stopped. It's a red light. And I just get rear ended and I'm like, what the fuck? And I get out of the car and and the cab driver looks at me, and I go, did you just hit my car?

And he looks at me and then just goes, and looks straight ahead. And I go, hey. Like, I immediately, I like short-circuited. I couldn't believe he didn't give me any kind of, like, acknowledgement or response or just anything. And I'm like, did you just hit my car? And he just kept looking forward.

And I looked at my car and there was nothing wrong with it. And I was like, you're a fucking jerk. Like I just had nothing. I literally like, I was like, what do I do? I either pull him out of his car and fuck him up on the street and then go to jail. Mule kick his car. There's cameras everywhere.

What am I doing? Or just take my soft dick back in the car like the absolute spineless cuck I am and fucking drive home thinking about things I wish I would have done. It's a nightmare, dude. It's a nightmare to have consequences in the back of your mind.

Yeah, because you have a kid coming, you have another kid, and you're gonna beat up some dude who probably doesn't understand anything you're saying. Literally doesn't understand. Just got here. And someone threw him a set of keys. If you hit somebody, just look forward. Just look forward.

Don't acknowledge. He's a professional car hitter. And you're like, did you? He's like. It was so emotionless though that I was just like it was so nothing of what I needed because he's what did you want from him that like like oh yeah, but I don't think it happened like I don't think you want a guy from Long Island.

Yeah, and I would have been like well fine. I was like, all right, like I would have been like a it's not a problem. I usually do like, you know rear rear. He didn't cause any damage that shit happens people Nick and bruise or whatever it happens, right? But come any damage. That shit happens. People nick and bruise or whatever, it happens. But come on, man. Acknowledge me. So you really got fucked up, though.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, we got... Because I hadn't talked to you in a while, and all of a sudden it was fucking, I got a phone call. No, I was talking, who was I talking to? I think it was who? Josh Adam Myers, was it, on Bonfire? I think it was on Bonfire. Yeah, it was on Bonfire.

It was Christine. Oh, yeah. And she was like, you know, Mike Cannon, my worst Christine ever, you know, Mike Cannon, but he got in a really bad car accident. I was like, oh, shit. I like that that's going around and other shows. And I was I was like, what? I think he's okay.

And she said, I think I'm like, what? And I thought the fucking the one I like the most. Yeah, just my late. I felt like it was my fault. Yeah. My luck hit you and and fucking. I was so sad. I was like, shit. Weirdly enough, it was a history hyenas fan that hit us. No, I'm kidding. It was Yannis.

It was outside of Batavia. Dressed as Maurizio. That's it. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that.

I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that. I'm not sure if you're going to say that., but I love the guy. I love the guy. Great show. Funny comic too. I've also told the story on Jim and Sam and chaos and you know, so sorry if you've heard it before, but you know, Bobby and I haven't caught up. So I was outside of Batavia, five shows all weekend. I like, I sold tickets, you know, like nothing sold out, but like legitimately sold tickets.

There's nothing better than selling tickets. You know, like nothing sold out, but like there's legitimately sold tickets. There's nothing better than selling tickets. Yes, dude. And I'm at this point where like, you know, I'm market to market where one weekend I am like, Holy shit, this is happening to the next weekend of like, should I quit? Buddy, I did, I did portrait last week and felt like a rock star. Yeah. And then on Tuesday I get the email from the agent, hey, you really need to push tickets for St. Louis? Like, fuck!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do I play places that nobody wants to come see me? I just want to do Boston, Chicago, and Florida. Call it a fucking day. It's not my fault. It's not my goddamn fault. Damn it. There's going to be one show where it's going to be good. And then those shows is going to be like some black bachelorette party. They're like, hmm. Hmm. Well, the good news is as soon as you

take your phone off of airplane mode, everybody else sold out the theater they're in. So that always feels really good after you have a hot 17 person crowd in fucking Hyenas Fort Worth. You're gonna turn and see Burt in front of fucking a crowd of people. The, hey, look other comedians and all these people that came to see me. Oh, I hate that shot, but I done it. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Come on, come on. Hey everybody, you ready?

You must, you must. I did one where they were leaving. I never posted it. It was just a crowd of people standing up facing the other way. That's fucking awesome. You should definitely post that. So you were coming back.

So yeah, so I'm feeling awesome, right? I took like, I know I'm the edible guy, whatever. I took a pretty substantial edible after the last show on the way home because I was like, once I get to the hotel, I'll sleep. I have an early flight tomorrow. It's perfect, right? Yeah. So we're driving along on a residential road, 25 miles per hour. We're going between 25 and 30. We're like crawling basically. And we're just having a conversation, talking. I have like, I have two, what are those canned water?

Oh, Liquid Death. Which still I have no idea where they went. Like they could have easily impaled me. I just have no idea where they went. You died from Liquid Death. Just in your chest like Iron Man. They should have. They would have to give my fucking family a discount code minimum.

Lifetime discount code. Use code impaled. 10% off. So yeah, so we're driving along and we're talking and out of nowhere, I say something and I hear him scream. Like I just hear, ah, and I'm just like, what the fuck? And I turn and as I turn, I'm going up. Really? Yeah.

So I'm like, oh shit. And everything, it wasn't like a like a bang bang. Everything is so fast. I don't remember everything. It felt like like the taxi crash in Deadpool or whatever, where it's just so slow motion, where you're actually kind of like, this is weird how much I'm. But you're on mushrooms. I mean, I was on edibles, but they hadn't kicked. Yeah. Like I was myself, but it was still just like,

the edibles haven't even get nothing, dude. And I also think I'm, I have OCD, uh, what were the intrusive thoughts? Like all that stuff. I've been, I just constantly flip awful thoughts. I've thought about my death no less than 14 trillion times. Like every scenario, I've run through this exact scenario in my mind a million times. Every time I go over a bridge, I fantasize about going off the bridge, hanging off, the cars falling. Hand on the electric roll down. Yeah. I break the window. I struggle back up.

You have a popper? You have the thing? I don't. Yeah, I got back up. You have a popper, you have the thing? I don't. Yeah, I gotta get one. I don't have one, but I get out and then I swim up. Oh, then I'm down, and every time. I do the intrusive thought things all the time. And I think that that actually helped prepare me for this in like a weird way, because I kind of knew,

like as soon as we hit, I made contact. You turned into the fall guy? I literally put my hands like this. You did? I tucked my hands in because I knew that if you reached out you're giving yourself a better chance at breaking your arm So I brought my arms in like this and we're just I don't know if we rolled point You you've actually prepared for rolling in a car Well, also I've had a bunch of friends die from car accidents, which will you know, we'll get into survivors guilt in a minute

die from car accidents, which we'll get into survivor's guilt in a minute. So we're just scraping on the blacktop on the roof of this car, which sounds like a Transformers being raped. It's just so awful. And we just finally come to a stop and I'm just like, all I know is I don't see him or anything. I just heard him scream and again I've I've had friends die in this exact same way so like my thing is I don't want to look and just see a bag of blood like I don't want to see just dead yeah just a dead bat of a human hanging upside down in his car so I just yelled are you okay and he said I'm okay and I looked and he was okay and he's hanging upside down glass is fucking everywhere blew out we hear like the car is still kind of swaying a little bit and we hear people start to gather and he goes, oh shit, like

people are, people are starting to gather. And I go, should I call 911? In the car? In the car while we're upside down. You gotta get out. Dude, so I You have gas. So I start to call 911 and the lady goes, hello, 911. What's your, like, so bubbly and just like, yeah, what's your problem? And I'm just like, I'm upside down in a car.

And she's like, what? I'm like, I have no identifying information. And then I just hung up the phone because I didn't know what to do. I just hung up the phone and just whatever. And then we hear the people gather and he goes they're outside nobody says anything nobody starts pulling on a door nobody nothing 30 seconds 40 seconds pass and I finally I'm like help help us and they go oh shit they're alive yeah they were gathering around dead people to like take selfies or whatever the fuck they were doing and they start yanking on

the door and they like and so at that moment they couldn't get it they couldn't get it so I unbuckle fucking mission impossible roll onto the broken glass onto my shoulder start trying to mule kick out the door promptly kick the glass directly into like seven people's eyes you blinded seven people. You lived, but there's seven blind people in Josie right now. There it is. Yeah. Yeah. So that was the car, dude. And we're like houses everywhere.

Like, I don't even remember. Like these lights are just single. It's a single lane street. These are not like busy streets whatsoever. And so finally I kick out and get out and they pull the door open and I climb out and I'm just like like wild-eyed like I just took a symmetrical blast of coke in both nostrils like let's fucking go and I lived the Dane bit that bit of getting hit by a car and getting up and walking and be like has anybody seen my shoes? I'm bleeding from the ears has Has anybody, like literally, I got up and started.

You have no shoes. No, I had shoes, but I was walking around and people were like, buddy, buddy, get down. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Like just snapping, cause I'm so gassed with fucking adrenaline. And just finally, then it all caught up to me and I laid down, I broke out into a cold sweat.

I like dry heaved for a little bit. They took me into the back of the EMT or the ambulance. And those guys, I mean, the EMT guys are like the fucking diner waitresses of the medical profession because they have absolutely no bedside manner. No a bit like they're completely singed nervous system, no ability to communicate with you every day. So the first first thing each of the five EMT guys said they came up there like we were positive. We were walking up on bodies like, okay, cool, man. They're like, yeah, you guys were I mean good is dead. Were you wearing it? He was like, you see belt, right? See belt. I'm like, yeah, where is he? But he's like, yeah, without

that, 100% dad. Oh, my God. Okay, cool, dude. So we then get taken to the hospital. I'm asking if I'm gonna make my flight like that's the type of panic you had to get where were you going home? No, where were you going the next day? I was going home. I was in fucking Batavia, Illinois Oh this happened in this happened on the fuck road Motherfuck yeah, so I get I'm like am I gonna make my I just want to get home because I almost just died Like I'm just like all I'm thinking, am I going to make my, I just want to get home because I almost just die. Like I'm just like, all I'm thinking about is getting home. And so they're like, what your flight? And I'm like, just whatever. So we get taken to the hospital. I get my wrist X-rayed, my hand X-rayed. The nurse takes my hand. I had this giant fucking like not on top of my hand.

So the police report, everything is like fracture 100%. I guess it's not, but I definitely, I have to go to an orthopedist still because there's like some tendon shit or something. But the nurse looked at my hand and saw the knot and goes, Ooh, I don't like bones. I was like, are you fucking out of your mind? I was pretty proud of myself and she didn't laugh. But I said, that's like me as a comedian saying, I don't like performing for one third full of Phil rooms and she did not laugh and I was like damn I really thought that was something to do inside I know I know and she didn't laugh and then I ended up the edible hit me like at that moment so I'm just shooting through

space it helped it gave me a little bit of pain relief too it allowed me to sleep for 45 minutes and then the uber to the airport was the you went home I just went to the hotel slept grab my shit and fucking got on what about the guy who hit you or the girl? I don't know man. That's the thing is like if you just almost kill somebody, but don't kill them you just get a ticket No, he's 19 walked away totally fine I'm sitting here filling out fucking paperwork with a goddamn dead paw, and this fucking dummy just like gets a replacement car and just goes on living his life.

You don't even know who he is. No, I did a 19-year-old kid. 19-year-old kid. Not drunk, not fucked up, probably filming a TikTok. Who knows? Did you, you don't know why he went through the light? No, didn't tap his brakes, not a skid, no, nothing. Went full 40 right into the side.

He had to be on the phone. Yeah, had to be. Had to be on the phone. Yeah. And to be. Had to be on the phone. And that'd be funny if he if his tick tock made him thousands. Just a video of him smashing into a kid. Yeah. Or if he was watching a clip of me and was like, fuck that. Like as he was just careening into a ruin, Chrissy chaos. But so this day, are you suing? you suing? Yeah, I mean, there's

like, you know, obviously this is ongoing because the medical shit is ongoing. It's like and mentally is ongoing insurance must pay for all this. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. So it's I guess, you know, all of that will be figured out, I suppose. And your friend is fine. He's okay. Yeah. And it physically like in terms of life altering injuries, we're both fine mentally. Who knows the windfall has yet to come, but I'm, you know, it comes here and there I'm going on the road tomorrow for the first time and I've cried twice. You cry? Yeah. Well, just because I feel like I have, this is my first time going on the road since

that and I have a bit of anxiety. Are you driving? I mean, I'm not driving to Seattle, but I'm driving to on the road since. And I have a bit of anxiety. Are you driving? I'm not driving to Seattle, but I'm driving to the airport. When you get to Seattle, are you taking a rental car? No, I'll get driven. Should I drive? No.

But I wasn't driving. I'm fine driving. If I have control, I feel good. I think you should get somebody to drive you and re-step your trade. Just try to redo it. around at night get over it I've been I've been I mean I went right back to work like I went right back to work in the sense that One I have to I have to work because I have to earn money for my family Oh, yeah, too. I knew that physically it's like what will be will be I don't do physical work for my job

So whatever residual injuries are coming are just going to come. And then mentally I wanted to stay busy until this all comes down fuck and it's going to happen. It's just not here yet. I'm sure that like what my wife gives birth to my son. I'm going to hold them and just fucking drown them in tears. That's fucked up, dude. You almost died.

Yeah, wild. Have you almost died ever? Yeah, I got beat up once almost to death. What? What? Like at the hands of a man? Yeah. As a man?

Yeah. When? When, back in the day in Boston, I was dating this girl. I hooked up with her and was in love with her. I really, we fell deep I mean deep, real quick, I did at least, and I went on a date, it was beautiful, we just sat on the roof of my car and watched the clouds go over and made out,

and like we just looking, it was just fucking this romantic night and we went back to our house and I pulled in front of our house and we were kissing and talking, and it was her grandmother's house. She lived with her grandmother and all these these bright lights. Headlights came behind me. I was like, what the fuck?

Just high beams. She's like, oh, no. And I was like, what? She goes, Louie. I go, who's Louie? And then your first bang bang. Yeah. I was bang, bang, bang, bang. I go. I was bang bang bang. I got I'll talk to him. Stupid move.

Oh, no. And I got out of the car and I woke up in the hospital four hours later. Oh, I guess he was right there. Sucker punch me. I went out and then he just kicked me in the face with his work boots. Oh, fuck. Just kept kicking me in the face. Broke my orbital bone, my nose,

my lips were huge. Holy, how old were you? My face, you couldn't recognize me. And it was crazy. I woke up and I remember she drove my car and it was stick. She fucked up my gears because she didn't know how to drive manual. I woke up in her.

I had to go to her grandma's house. I'm in this weird old woman's house in a bed. Just soaking her head. Her doily covered pillows and blood. Oh, so bad, dude. There's all these weird pictures around. I just wanted to go home, but I couldn't. And then the next day I had to drive myself home in my car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had to go. Yeah, he fucked me up bad. Oh, I mean, he almost his guy almost killed me. Did he anything happen to him or just I didn't sue because he was a friend of a friend. I knew dudes from Quincy who knew him. Right. You know, Boston ethics. He was a bad he was an alcoholic and he was going to go to meetings.

I had to go to manage to I made it. So he had to go to mandatory a meetings was a man. He was an alcoholic and he was going to go to meetings. I had to go to mandatory. I made it so he had to go to mandatory a meetings for a year. And I just called it and then she wanted to fucking another friend of mine, Jamie, a Morgans producer. No, not that one. She wanted to fucking him. And she never she blew me one more time. Oh, that's nice of her.

Came to my house and I was, you know, I remember my my face was still a little fucked up. So I was just like Rocky Dennis getting a blow job. I was like, did that. And she I think she gave me one last blow job and called it a day. And then she never called me again. Yeah, fucking sucked. Never leave the car. Never leave the car. Get out. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking sucked.

Never leave the car. Never leave the car. Get out. Go deal with that shit. Drive away. No way. Never get out of the fucking car. Drive over her front yard.

Yeah, over her. Who cares? You're going to take the beating from this psychopath. Oh my God. All right, well listen, we got questions for you from the fans. The Patreon fans. But we got your dates up here. You're gonna be all over the place. Yeah, in the fall especially.

September, I'm doing a whole fall tour because my special, if it does come out on YouTube, is gonna come out September 15th. This is the first place I'm gonna do that. But it might come out somewhere else. But it might come out somewhere else, in which case that would be way later, and you'll get plenty of time to not watch it there.

But YouTube, September 15th, September September 12th I'm doing a whole fall tour September 12th through the 14th I'm gonna be in Chicago at Zany's downtown then I'm gonna be the next weekend September 19th through the 21st Nashville Tennessee at the at Zany's followed by Detroit on the 22nd that Sunday and then Vegas for Skankfest and then a ton of stuff October November December that has yet to be announced but all fall and winter tour stuff at Mike Cannon comedy.com and go to Robert Kelly live Com from I mean punch up dot live dot com for my tickets I'm gonna be in San Diego and then I'm gonna be doing the regs at the Melanie tent in August and a bunch of other dates I'm putting up

the next few weeks. And check me out on all my shit that I do. I do everything, Bone to Pick podcast, of course, The Bonfire on SiriusXM 103, with the great big Jay Okerson. And guys, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram, at Denny Braff, and come to Comedy at Verve in Summerville, New Jersey

the third Thursday of every month. There you go. You like cheese? I'm sorry. Just go to YouTube. Ha ha ha. Tell you from the cheese show, for a great show about cheese. Yeah, if you love cheese, it's cheesy. I love him.

He's the best. By the way, who somebody's like, I think I've said this to you before, but somebody's jokes, I mean, his jokes should have no business working at Uncle Vinny's. And they absolutely annihilate. Annihilate. He's a killer comic. Joe Russell, Joe Russell. It's absolutely like and especially from the first time I saw him there

when like he was weird and also just a bit timid because he was out of his element. And then to now where he's just unapologetically weird and that's the best because they sense that they can't change him. Nope. Yeah. And he fucking annihilates. I just wanted to give him his flowers. No, give him his flowers. He does kill. Yeah, of course. And I take full credit for that.

Danny, if I have seen you recently, I would say the same. Danny's, no, Danny's killing it too. From when I first started using Danny, if I have seen you recently, I would say the same. Danny's no Danny's killing it too. Awesome. When I first started using them. Yeah. Where I was like, fuck, I had to watch them. Like, oh, shit, I had to stand there. Yeah. At any moment, they're gonna go, okay, that's it. To now they both kill, which is great. I fucking love it. You guys, make sure you check out all this stuff. Make sure you check out him on your podcast with Chrissy chaos.

Yeah, see chaos. Start a new one coming out soon. Don't get crazy. Stick by myself. Oh, you are. What's it going to be called? Just me. The Robert Kelly show. Starring Mike Cannon. I mean, you get no improv skills whatsoever. None whatsoever. Don't do that.

Why don't you do the why don't you start a show at Yannis? That would be something. Imagine I ride the fence that way. That would be cool. History Jackals. Starring Yannis and Mike. Just call it the Jackals. That's not bad. YP, holla at me. All right, you guys are the best fans in the world. We'll see you next time.

If you want to do the questions, we're going to Patreon right now to ask this guy questions from the Patreon users use patreon.com Sash Robert Kelly and go to YouTube if you're watching on YouTube Make sure you hit the subscribe button And if you listen on anywhere make sure you hit the like button on all the podcast mediums You guys are the best fans of the world. We'll see you next time on you know what?