Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #546 | Stavros Halkias | On The Road

Episode Date: August 4, 2024

This week Bobby and Stavros record live from Stavros's home in Baltimore to talk about Korean BBQ, Finding peace doing comedy, and Post Nut Clarity FOLLOW Stavros IG: StavyBaby2 Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT / robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! / robertkelly / ykwdpodcast / ykwdudepodcast / ykwdpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And a girl was, she was like, I want you to pee on me. I want you to, when you come back, I want you to piss all over me. And I was like, and my father called it on the other line and I clicked over and I was like, hey dad, real quick, the best advice my real father ever gave me, I go, this girl wants me to piss on her. Well, I don't know, would you pee on a girl?

He goes, ah, you know, I wouldn't muster up a piss. I wouldn't drink a gallon of water and muster up a piss. But if I had a piss, yeah, I got piss on it. So I was like, thanks. I click back over, I go, sure, if I have to pay, I'll fucking do it, but. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live.

Welcome, everybody everybody to the show Started social media podcast Like you WDs back again old school back in the day where it all started before them all So fun and crazy This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how am I going to help you ruining this? Where's the bomb, Dan? I'm out.

Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. The original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly, and this is a special on the road rock and roll

rock and roll edition of YKWD we're live in Baltimore in the ghetto. Suck my dick Robert this is a beautiful property brick we got exposed brick you guys can't see it because the angle of the shot. There's exposed brick on this side, but summer in the 70s, gay guys moved into this neighborhood and went, cover it up. I want to have more. No, this was not nice in the 70s.

This was bad until six years ago. Buddy. 10 years ago. Stavro Hockius, what's up, baby? Stavie Baby, my baby boy. I'm so nice to be back. My baby boy. Where it all started, where we met Stavi, baby, my baby boy. I'm so nice to be back. My baby boy. Where it all started, where we met.

Well, yeah, dude, we met. This neighborhood is nice, by the way. I do want to say that. Thank you. But you do have to drive through the wire. That's Baltimore for you, dude. I heard somebody go, Omar! Then a bunch of kids ran.

It is, yeah, Baltimore is no joke. Yeah, it's nice. We're getting there. It's weird how Baltimore, it gets, I was telling Danny, I go, I think I just, might be racist, cause I'm looking around, I'm like, this is bad. And then I'm looking around,

and I notice it was like, Kaiser Sosa, I'm like, oh, that guy's just painting that house. That guy's just taking a break from construction. Oh, that lady's helping those kids. They just all happen to be black. It's all, it's all happy people. It's all happy people. They're actually redoing the...

We're on the up and up, baby. As soon as I see a gay flag, though, and a Starbucks, I'm okay. You're in. We're definitely in gay Starbucks country right now. Yeah, you are. For sure. But, you know, we've got a little place here in Baltimore by the park, by the water. It seems like it's very...

I don't know if it's because of the day, but it reminds me of San Francisco, this neighborhood. Interesting. Like it's kind of hilly. Nah, barely. I guess you know what though, you're right, there are some hills.

I never thought of it that way. It's a little hilly. Little hilly. And I'm glad, you know, the old you would've fought me on this, you would've just fought me to fight me on it. No. Yeah, you have dad issues.

This is projection. If ever there's a guy who loves fighting for the sake of the fight, it's you and you know that. I've actually let go of it a little bit. That's good. A little bit, we'll talk about that. But I was talking about it on the way up here. But we did meet here and I have some,

I just, I have some sad news. No, what happened? I wanted to tell you face to face. I wanted to do the podcast with you and I'm glad we're here, but I wanted to tell you face to face. I wanted to do the podcast with you, and I'm glad we're here, but I wanted to tell you something. Face to face. What is it?

And I don't even know how to bring it up, but... I didn't want to do it like, you know, on the phone. Yeah, I prefer it face to face. This seems clearly that there's some gravity behind this. Um, Honey Pig closes at 11. No, 11? 11.

Oh my God. Sorry buddy. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sorry. The pandemic. Dude, this is brutal. I love you. I love you, brother.

I love you so much. You know what? This makes sense. I'd gone back a couple times, the quality had dipped. We found a new place. Really? Danny, what was the place we found? Yonkok?

Jongyok. Yonkok. Yonkok. Yonkok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was just gonna say that. That in the city. Y that in the city young you mother's drove into the city for that nice I say it like that well cuz you just talked about how scared you were black painting their fences We're in the middle of the fucking Baltimore yeah, there's a dude walking on the street with like death tattoos

Some white dudes screaming at people. There's black people fucking yo screaming. Yo And he goes up and asked the white guy for directions No, I got there. I got there He just covered this put the stuff on the bottom high, you know, don't believe our bags in the front seat Oh, yeah, so he opens the door the on, he's rearranging like we're moving in. Yeah. Like he's my wife, making everything perfect. And I walk up, I mean look back,

and there's just, you can see the car light on, and this Jewish kid just taking bags and putting them under the seats. Yep, yep. Like guys, I'm putting it under here. Yeah. I go, let's go! Right, right, right.

We have, we have Galbi to eat. Galbi, dude. We have ribeye to eat. Young cock. Young cock's awesome. In the city. Young cock is awesome. Yeah. I love young cock. I know all about you. Do you? Do you love young cock?

I love young cock. I mean, young cock's a great place. Dude, it's my new, young cock is my new favorite. Well. What about you? It feels like you've read this. It's an old favorite you've rediscovered. Dude, we went in there last night. I had low expectations.

So good, yeah. As we're driving through, I'm like, there's one around the corner that looked like a disco. Yep. I was like, no, not that one. We turned the corner, Yunkhawk. Well, that is a bar, that Korean place. It's an actual bar. Okay, yeah, we didn't want to go in there.

But we went around the corner, parked right there, went in. How late were they open? Till 2 a.m., dude. Yeah, we used to go, right there, the one that's a bar, there was a bar in an abandoned Korean mall. And they would serve like kimchi fries, they would have some food,

and the drinks were cheap as fuck. I mean, it was literally like you're just upstairs in a shitty old mall. But Youngcock was right around the corner. Oh, Youngcock. And it was not, yeah, that, and that neighborhood was not, this is 10 years ago at this point, not good.

So would you go? And I used to live on the other side of town. So where Youngcock was, if you just went up that street, if you just went up from Youngcock, about, it was like a 15 minute walk, but that was a, no, maybe 25, it was a tough, it was a tough 15. It's a tough, because I saw couples walking from having Yoncock.

Yeah, a lot of groups will enjoy Yoncock couples. Families sometimes will gather for some Yoncock. Families love Yoncock. I can't believe how much families love Yoncock. But, so you would go to that bar for drinks and then go around the corner for Youngcock. There was a lot of bars in that neighborhood. The station north. Is that why Kevin Spacey lives here?

He probably has an apartment right by Youngcock. He's a founding partner of Yonkok. An angel investor. Yeah, we found, Danny found that place. I love it. Went there last night. Because me and you, I tell you, the first time I met you, you was just sitting there, little Stavi, that was, that's Stavi baby.

Yeah. That's Stavvy baby. That's little Stavvy baby. Yeah, absolutely. Little Stavvy baby, and you were sitting there, and you were like, hey, and you knew the root to my heart. You, I've said this before, you looked at me, and I was, at the time, the fattest I was, which is probably exactly how fat I am now, but I was younger and more spry,

and I had a little buzz cut, you know? I was wearing a cardigan, you know what I mean? And you looked at me and you literally asked me where to eat because I was that fat. And you knew. And I had it ready to go. I was like, this is, you know how they say good luck? If you're prepared, that's what good luck is. You take an opportunity and it's like,

I've been preparing for a fat comedian to ask me where to eat my whole life. That was the question I was most prepared to answer. It was awesome. You know what's so funny is that when you're fat, you don't know how fat you are. You see other fat dudes, you're like, oh, this guy's fat. He knows.

But I didn't know I was fat too. Yeah, oh yeah, definitely. And we went to Honey Pig. God damn it. They were licking their chops when they saw us walk in We definitely the years that we toured together a lot of there was a lot of restaurateurs Happy to see us walk through that door Waitresses on a slow on a slow shift see us

someplace they basically it was just us and we spent maybe $300 We is crazy and we spent maybe $300 there, $400 there. I mean the word we is crazy, but the thing is, the word we is nuts. Yeah, it was us. It was, no, well, I mean paid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you, you're right,

you're right. I meant to say I racked up plenty of the food as well. I didn't want to put $300 worth of dim sum on you as a fat metric. That's me trying to leave your old old life behind Bob. I know you're a changed man now Well, I am a changed man now and it's and it's funny to see You know how I've seen so many comics Come up and Be successful and

It makes me happy. You're one of the ones it makes me happy. You're one of the ones that make me happy because, and Luis Gomez, Jay Gomez, sorry, but is another one too, that makes me happy to see that you're not only successful right now, but you're enjoying your life. Yeah, I'm trying. Well, because a lot of guys just keep grinding

and grinding and grinding. Yeah, what's the point? What's the fucking point? It's like if you wanted a job, if I wanted a job I would've gotten a job out of college. I wanted to fucking do comedy and have a good time. So I'm taking this year off touring, and it's still, it's not as off as I'd like.

Shit always pops up, but you know, I'm hanging out here in Baltimore, got a big ass TV, watching some movies, grilling a lot, you know? Chillin', but no, but you know I'm hanging out here in Baltimore got a big-ass TV watching some movies grilling a lot You know chillin, but now but you're by yourself. Yeah out here. What's up, dude because Astonishing like you and Danny have a lot of the similarities that I Would call it magic okay? Because he gets chicks. Like you would get chicks.

I see, this is a disrespectful thing you're saying. You framed it as like some ethereal thing, but you're talking about, there's no logic. I've applied every possibility trying to look at it logically, and it must be otherworldly, the way you get pussy. It must be, yeah, sorcery. Yeah, sorcery.

Greek sorcery or Jewish sorcery. I have a little bottle of incantations. Yeah, you have like a Greek eye that you pull out and you go, hey, do you want to hang out with me? No. And then you go, are you sure you don't want to hang out with me? And then, wow. The fucking eye is glowing. It hurts to take it out of the cage.

I can only do it for a second, just enough to track them every time. It's like, art fiction, you light just came out. Every time I open it, four days of my life are gone. I've made a bargain, I've made a bargain with a wizard. You gain five pounds. Yeah. Yeah.

Every time you use it. Ah, I feel it deeply. Yeah, your foot goes, poom, poom, poom poom poom and it gets fatter. Yeah. Yeah, you got, you and Danny. Danny's getting pussy on the road, huh? Look at Danny. Yeah, he is horrible looking, you're right.

There's nothing. No, you're not wrong about that. Danny's arms look like legs. Yeah. Interesting proportions. I made him shave his, he used to wear jeans with the knees cut out for some reason. He's got ropes for fucking shoelaces.

That's a horrible look too. Fake vans with shitty rope lenses. I might buy Danny sneakers. Yeah, those are truly atrocious. Bobby once told me I should use the rope and hang myself. Yeah. He's right about that. Truly, it's rose. Bobby once told me I should use the rope and hang myself They wouldn't hold you up is the good news it would be more of a punitive thing You get a little rope burn on your neck and then you'd survive but that mark would remind you never to buy shoes from Marshall's

But you know you're you're enjoying your life because it was a time with me where I was grinding and grinding and grinding. And I'm, dude, I miss Dawn's mom's funeral. Oh my God. To go, I was going to Iraq with Dane. To kill some men, yeah. And I remember I called her, I said, listen,

I was in LA, I'm on this huge tour. We're like, listen, there's no way America is gonna stay in the Middle East for much longer I'm only gonna have this opportunity to perform for our troops 75 more times Old ladies die every day 23 year olds with no way to get out of Mississippi they need comedy while they're in Iraq But it was I remember calling her and being like They need comedy while they're in Iraq. They did. They did need comedy. But it was, I remember calling her and being like, you know, if you want me to come home, I'll come home right now.

And she's such a, I got such the perfect. Yeah, she's awesome. She was like, no, I don't want you to come home. I want you to stay there. But I still feel regret that as a man, I should have said, I got to go. Yeah. Sorry about this. Love the troops.

Yeah. Love, you know, I love what I was about to do, but I should have went I gotta go. Yeah, sorry about this love the troops Yeah, love, you know, I love what I was about to do But I should have went and been with her and and found a way to do it Yeah and you know part of when we were in New York and Then we were gonna decide to have a kid and move out of the city and everybody was like listen, man You're gonna fucking you're never gonna come in you never gonna do anything You're gonna get comfortable and, you're never gonna do anything. You're gonna get comfortable, and once you get comfortable, there's two things that are fucking enemy of funny,

cool and comfortable. Absolutely. And... Cool is the worst thing possible. It's the worst. Thinking you're the man is a complete antithesis of comedy. It is. We're the fun losers.

We're losers that have a fun little spin on it. Yeah. We're the ones that didn't do what we were supposed to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the ones that nobody liked. We decided to get a career that nobody, that everybody said don't do that. Yeah, it sucks.

Have a backup. What are you gonna do when it doesn't work out? I, there's no B plan. Yeah. There's no, I tell comics this all the time, what do I do? Don't have a B plan. Don't have a way out. It's this or nothing. It is irresponsible to say that, but that is probably true.

It's true. That's why I can always tell who's funny. But I like these fucking eggheads. They'll do a show tonight after our show. This cocksucker, we were at the port and he's like, hey man, in between sets, can I go do a, there's an open mic down the street. And he went and did an open mic down the street. And that is the way to do,

that's the only way to be successful in comedy. Not even guaranteed success. No, almost certainly won't happen, which is the fucked up thing. But then there's the only way to be successful in comedy. Not even guaranteed success. No, almost certainly won't happen, which is the fucked up thing. But then there's the cool guys. When they do get success, they think they're... Yeah, the self-sucking is a tough move, where everyone's kind of like building their own mythology.

And there's something about branding that there's probably smart to do, but again, it's not funny. It might be a good career move, but it's like, I don't know, man, it's cool. But it's, but it's like, I don't know man, it's cool, but it's, and it's like you can just feel that way about yourself, you just be happy with your accomplishments, but that doesn't have to make its way into what's funny.

What's funny is how you still feel a loser. I think about like the great Richard Pryor specials where he is the biggest comic, and he's talking about, yeah dude, I'm, I'm, I fucking, I free-based cocaine, I lit myself on fire. He's talking about, you know what I mean, he's talking about dark shit dude, I'm, I'm, I fucking, I free-baked cocaine, I lit myself on fire. He's talking about, you know what I mean? He's talking about dark shit. You know what I mean?

And here's the thing too, is like, I have a photo on my phone. I take, when my photo comes up now, I took, like one was me looking out the window, and I was just like, looks like I'm pontificating about life. Because there's people that do that. Yeah, yeah.

That have these photos. And I'm like, who took that? Yeah. Like, who took you thinking? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone surprised you.

Yeah. Someone surprised you while you were thinking about the meaning of life. You were looking out the window. Oh, sorry. That didn't happen. It's you. Yeah.

And they put it up for real. Yeah. And that's when the fucking cool, oh, when you treat a limo guy like shit treating Treating service industry people like shit is the mark of a huge piece of shit He's a waiter waitress front desk people whatever it's like that in fact You should those people are your sometimes can be your only link to fucking humanity They're the only people going through shit where it's like they don't have to fucking kiss your ass automatically Treat them like human beings because it's like it's I don't it is really fucked up

You see people who start to get a little money and do that shit. Yeah when they get fame They think they have to act famous. Yeah. Yeah, whereas the best part is like, you know, it's cool I remember I mean this is a fat move too, and I but I remember being a broke college student just like Tipping go to a buffet and tipping so bad a lady screamed when she saw like me and my buddy We were like fuck dude. I thought you had cash for the tip I was like I don't have cash we had like a dollar. We'd been at that buffet for two and a half hours. Eldis, my fucking fat Albanian friend, my huge Albanian friend. And we had eaten so much worth of this buffet.

And literally this like Chinese woman just saw a dollar seventy five and just screeched. She's like, ah, literally she yelled it. We were like running like we fucking committed a crime. It feels cool to tip. Awesome. Awesome. That feels all to tip awesome. That feels awesome. And think about it, how much more that person needs 20 bucks than you if you have money. It's so fucking sick to just be like, you know,

just take a fuck. I remember. You were a big tipper. I'm always a big tipper. Cause I waited tables. Yeah, yeah. I remember I waited tables. Yeah, my mom was a waitress.

I used to wait tables. I remember one lady, they'd be like, that'd be 86 cents. Oh my God. I ran out weighed tables. Yeah, yeah. I remember I weighed tables. Yeah, my mom was a waitress. I used to weigh tables. I remember one lady, they'd be like, that'd be 86 cents. Oh my God. I ran out of lunch, fucking weeded. Every table, line out the door, I ran out, and I went, excuse me. She was like, yeah.

I went, here, this is yours. You forgot your change. And she goes, what? I go, no, she goes, that's for you. I go, no, that's for you. You need it. That must have felt good. It felt fantastic.

It felt fantastic. A moral victory in place of a financial one you actually needed. No, dude, I fucking. Was this at the Italian place you worked at with Goldman? Yeah. That's awesome. And how old were you at that point?

Geez, we were 20. Wow. 21 maybe. That's fucking crazy. In our early 20s. So Gullman actually, we were at Nick's and Gullman had, he had. Nick's Comedy Stop.

Nick's Comedy Stop, Boston, at one of its primes. And he came up to me and he's quitting his, I think a counting job. Oh wow. He had like a golden handcuff job. And he goes, I quit my job, I need a job. And I called, I worked at this Italian restaurant with the, you know, and I called him up.

I go, hey, I got another friend a job. I go, I have another friend that needs a job. He's a comedian. Send them down. And we sent them down. I remember the first day, him working, he's six fucking, six, five, six, six. Yeah. And 20 he was like, if you guys are that young, he's just coming off playing

fucking college football. Just coming out. He's like a fucking unit. He's a unit. And I remember he had to bend down because he was so tall that and as he was shaking. Wow. So nervous taking an order. That's hilarious. He was just shaking. Cause he had never done anything like that. No like shitty service industry job. Never in a million years. We had such a good time working there.

I remember the, cause people were constantly, look I'm not gonna say that. That's why I feel bad for waiters and waitresses. Cause the people that come in are such douchebags sometimes. Yeah. And we had a blind lady used to come in all the time with her stupid dog. And we always be like, fuck it, I'm not taking her. Was she a bad tipper too?

She was a bad tipper. Her dog would shit or piss in the restaurant. And it was a service dog, so you couldn't say, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this back before- This is the original service dog. You really had to need him. Yeah, before an actress wanted to take Pookie on the plane.

Fucking twat. I know. Service dog, fuck you. I know it's tough. I also find myself, it's a type of misogyny or maybe reverse where it's like, if I see a cute dog on a plane, I'm like, I've gotten so used to it, or whatever,

they're just gonna be here, and I'm like, oh, look at that dog, and I look up, and it's a guy, and I'm like, I've gotten so used to it, or like, whatever, they're just gonna be here, and I'm like, oh, look at that dog, and I look up and it's a guy, and I'm like, fucking pussy. I just think, like, immediately, I'm like, any man with a service dog is a gay bitch in my mind, which is unfair, some guys might need it, but yeah. For what?

I don't know. When did a fucking dog help you with your anxiety? You're right. Take a pill like a fucking adult. Take a Xanax. Fucking develop a back problem. You know, develop a back problem. Get prescribed pain pills.

Get addicted to them. You know, like like a fucking a man. Yeah, like a man. Get addicted. Go to AA. Get your shit together. Yeah. Fucking go to therapy. How about this?

How about you meditate before you fucking get a stupid dog on a plane? Take a couple edibles. And the dogs, you can't take the dog up, so the plane's taken off. The dog shit, now the dog hangs anxiety. The dog being scared is like, come on, you gotta at least have a chill dog. Yeah, well the fucking, you're given the dog anxiety, it doesn't want to be on a plane. Are there plane dogs? I can't imagine there's a breed of dog that's good at being in the air. No, no dog likes being 37,000 feet in the air. The pressure on their fucking brains.

They don't know how to chew gum to get their ears unlocked. Do they have little doggy bones for their ears? No, you're not supposed to take the dog out at all. So when you get nervous, what do you do? You sit there anyways. Service, the whole thing with the service dog thing is an LA? Famous actor that found a loophole. Yeah that you know say loophole some

Assistant had to take this service dog test. Yeah for this loser Yeah, and now they get to take their stupid dog with them everywhere It bothers me so much and it's usually not to be misogynistic again. It's usually a girl It's usually some I don't think I think it was at first But I do think it is spread. It's spread to me. I have seen more men with service dogs. Look if I see some fat Weirdo, that's just nervous. I'm looking at me. Sorry, you know That's the one I'm not you said weirdo and nervous, you know, you did the one I'm objectively am He could have said you're not a weirdo and nervous, and you did the one I'm objectively am. You're just gonna lie to my face. You could have said you're not a weirdo. You fucking prick.

Why? Or nervous. I feel like I'm pretty calm. But you know, you can't get skinny. I could. What if you got skinny? Don't you think you'd... No.

No? I'd be fine. Thin? Thin? Thin? I don't want to get that thin. That's crazy. You just want to get... I I just wanna like not die in my 50s. You know, I'd like to be in that range.

I'd like if you looked at my fucking, if you charted me for it not to drop off quick at 58, you know what I mean? Dude, I was right there, dude. I was right there, I was pre-diabetic. I was the doctor. That's one of the I blood pressure is crazy free was bad never getting diabetic is insane we put in some in some we put in some

real good years in those trenches we're porting diabetes wagging our pussies at diabetes waiting for it to fuck us. We were waving across the room, hey, hey. Making eyes at diabetes. I can't, not yet. Please. I have a wife. What happened to this blind lady in Boston though? Let's finish that story.

She would come in, we'd always fight over who got her. Who didn't get her, yeah, yeah. And one day we saw her, there's a big long window, long front window that went, I mean just across the whole restaurant. And we saw her coming up with the dog and we were like, no, no, I'm not fucking Dick. We started, all of a sudden,

something happened where the dog saw something and just started running. Takes off? And dragged her, listen to me, across the whole front window. Just fucking, yeah! Yeah! That's a good move if you hate a blind person,

just throw a meatball, just get its dog's attention. She came in with road rash all on her face. Oh my God. And she was shaking. That's hilarious. We were trying not to laugh. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And she came in, she trying not to laugh. Yeah. You know what I mean? And she came in. She's like, hi. Hello. Hi. Do you guys have a paper towel? Oh my god. I felt bad after we kind of take care of her. Yeah.

And she came in. But it was the greatest moment of our lives. A little retribution. We just saw her dragged across the front window. Yeah. I like to think of that era. That's 21-year-old. 21-year-old. We're talking a little year old 21 year old talking little day Billy Patrice

What is it? What's the look in those at 21 when you're just a little piece of ass? Got any facial hair. We just go I had cut no I had clean cut clean cut clean cut I had short on top a little long on the back early long in the back Yeah, I had the new cut mull a little long on the back, curly. Ooh, long on the back. Yeah, I had the new kids on the block type look. Oh, hell yeah, dude. New kids, and I remember I used to do my hair every night. Yes, yeah. Every night.

I had hairspray. I used Paul Mitchell. Ooh, the salon, sure. Salon stuff. I used to go get my hair cut by Vinny. Vinny was the only guy who could do the fade up the side, right? And yeah, I remember Dane had it feathered. Dane had feathered.

There's a photo of Dane, if I could find this, coming out. He did a photo shoot at the beach. Oh, wow. With jeans on. When? And he's coming out of the water. And did this era? This era.

So he was doing Instagram stuff before Instagram even existed. He was so ahead of his time always His own little photo shoots when you had to go to hire a guy print them at a store I'm at a credit going to like a Black room a dark room. Yeah, print the photos Yeah, there's one where he had his top button unbuttoned and the zip it down coming down So you kind of seen his little bush fat coming out of the water. I mean, this photo was badass.

This was Baywatch. Badass. This is Baywatch. Is the adjective you get. I see the respect in your eyes. You really are like half gay Boston trash. Yeah, half. You're like.

Half. The wife and son are doing a lot of heavy lifting on that half, by the way. If you were single, it would be, we'd bump that up to 75% for sure. I can't even imagine you in an alternate universe where Dawn divorces you before Max's birth and you're just living in the city right now,

you're in Norton's spare bedroom. Oh, spare bedroom? I'm gonna sleep on the end of the bed. You're a throuple? You've transitioned, you're his wife. I'm gonna be a service dog. Ha ha ha ha ha. Him and Nick will take me on the plane. Oh man, there is a world where you get into speed

and get thin again, you know what I mean, that way, and you just go full sex addict instead of food addict. And you just go. Well I was a sex addict for a minute. No, but I mean gay sex addict, the one you really wanted to do. I know what you're talking about. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. We were, yeah, I've been through so many addictions. You're telling me you kids on the block,

Bobby never had like a sugar daddy attempt to get at you? No, because I was getting so much great tail at that time. I got you. Pretty much any chick I wanted. Yeah. At that time? I believe you, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I fucked a witch.

That's awesome. Salem. True. Where they make them. They will... That's like champagne has to be from the Champagne province of France, a witch has to be from Salem. Yeah, it was like French butter. Yeah.

It was so good, it was real butter. Yeah, back in the day, we used to hook up all the time. Yeah, we used to, and I remember when Dane actually became, started banging, he only banged like theater chicks, like goofy dumpy chicks for a minute. And then he got, I think one of the times when he finally started saying fuck it, comedy is such a factor in getting chicks.

Of course. That's the magic spell. For sure. Confidence. Even if, I remember when I started getting good at comedy, half the women I fucked, yeah, I would meet them at shows, but the other half it was just because I believed in myself from the comedy, it just gives you something, it fills in.

It's a superhero power. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, because you can walk anywhere and be you. Even if it's delusional, because at the time, I wasn't even, you know, you think you're good, when I was like, even before we met, like I'm 23, and I'm just starting to get, I'm just crushing it open, Mike, because what in my mind, I'm like, even before we met, like I'm 23, and I'm just starting to get like, I'm just crushing it open, Mike,

because what in my mind, I'm like, I'm good at comedy. It's of course, if I watched my act now, I'd be like disgusted, you know what I mean? But all it is is inside, you know what I mean? You just need to feel that way yourself. I think it's being you 100%. Comedy allows you to just be you and accept you, so when you walk into any situation,

you're not trying to be what you think that girl wants you to be. You're walking in going, what's up? What are you doing? That's a good point. Well, what's happening? And you don't give a shit. It's like a crowd.

Everywhere's a crowd and it doesn't matter who it is. It's a chick in the front row. What's happening? What's going on? Yeah, and you'll bust their balls. you'll take the piss out of them. It doesn't matter. And that- We'd do a little British thing.

No, I never did that. That feel good? I would do that. I'd do that now. No, no, I mean that's the- Oh, sorry. They call that in Britain. Oh, I thought you were talking about piss without jokes.

I was like, where do you learn to take the piss? I like Guy Ritchie movies. Oh, yeah. I was like, where do you learn to take the piss? I like Guy Ritchie movies. What's the weirdest thing you've ever done sexually? Nothing that crazy to be honest with you. Not really. Nothing like no pissing. Somebody asked me to piss on her and I was like,

I was lukewarm about hooking up with you anyway. I've got a weak stream. You know what I mean? You know how often I piss. I'd have to really like save up and then your dick hurts and I'm not even horny because I'm just, I want to get the piss out. You know what I mean? It would have to be like road trip.

The only way I get like a real stream is if I'm like in the car for six hours and I really, so it's like when I'm going to hold my piss to really, because you can't dribble on a woman if she has you to piss on her. You gotta be like, uh, uh, hold on. and I really, so it's like when I'm gonna hold my piss to really, cause you can't dribble on a woman if she had you to piss on her. You gotta be like, uh, uh, hold on. Yeah. Like a fucking air conditioner, like she walked under an air conditioner.

That's what it would be like. But yeah, I don't know, I just, I'm a pretty simple, I'm trying to think if anybody asked me to do anything weird. A girl asked me to do a foot job, but I had just busted. Jerk me off with her feet. Yeah, I've had that.

Yeah, I'm not a big foot guy, but she had just given me a head. I'm like, if you'd asked me while I'm about to come, I would have been like, whatever you want, just make the jizz that come out of my penis. But she asked me when I was, you know, post-nut clarity. You can't be asking after that. Post-nut clarity is a thing.

Oh, it is. You should make all decisions after you load. Without question. Everything. Everything. We're gonna sell the house, how much for? Let me jerk off and think about this. There should be little, there should be jerk off,

like there's like lactation booths, there should be like jerk off booths in like a lawyer's conference room. When you're when you're negotiating, like, all right, let's take our seven minute by law jerk off break for post. We've agreed pre not now the final step. Let's also agree post not to get a chance. Back in and just sign. This is good. This is good.

I had a girl one time, it was so weird, I never really talked to my real father, but at that time we were talking, right when I moved to New York. Interesting. And we were actually in communication. Well. And a girl was, she was like, I want you to pee on me.

I want you to, when you come back, I want you to piss all over me. And I was like, and my father called in on the other line, and I clicked over and I was like, hey dad, real quick, the best advice my real father ever gave me, I go, this girl wants me to piss on her. Well, I don't know, would you pee on a girl? He goes, ah, you know, I wouldn't muster up a piss.

I wouldn't drink a gallon of water and muster up a piss, but if I had a piss, yeah, I got piss on it. So I was like, thanks. I click back over, I go, sure, if I have to pee, I'll fucking do it. But what happened? Oh, yeah. What happened? I don't know. He just ruined the podcast.

He has autism. So what happens once in a while, he doesn't know that he shouldn't say things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just has to say them. I get that. Or his head's gonna go fucking off his shoulders. You know, we were in the front row and I was like, what's the weirdest thing sexually you've done with your wife?

And he's like, nothing. And I was like, come on, you did something. He goes, I pissed in her mouth. Oh, wow. In front of a crowd. Wow. And she was like, yeah. She's bowed her head. She was like sad about it. It was a thing.

She wasn't sad about that. She was sad that he just said it. Yeah, I saw the packed house. Right. She broke a Cino. Yeah. It's not like you're going home after that. Yeah. You're staying there. You're going to be the The wheel of fortune And they're gonna hear that's her that yeah, that's piss mouth. Yeah. Oh my god, I'll pee and all that stuff

No, I have no sexual hangups. Yeah, you know like I've never people tell me shit. I'm like, yeah, whatever do it passion you're doing wild shit that you've had a you've had a You see, you're doing wild shit though. You've had your whole youth and much of your adulthood was spent doing wild shit. Sex addiction is a bad. The fucking lady you saw at a gas station, I remember you told me that story. Hooker, I used to go to Hookers.

I used to love Hookers, I used to like finding Hookers. And you had to find Hookers back in the day. Back in the day, there was no internet. There's ads, you just had to take a... There was neighborhoods. There was a place in Lynn called The Loop. The Loop. And it was a bad neighborhood.

And you'd drive there at night, and you'd drive, it was just a loop around this neighborhood. And you'd just drive around, and then you'd see a girl, and you'd be like, what's up? And she'd come over and jump in the car. Twenty dollars. Twenty dollars. Twenty bucks. To suck you off or give you, or fuck you? Whatever you wanted.

Twenty bucks. How long were twenty bucks for you? And I was I was mind you I was great looking at that time, right? Like they were probably that's a nice come up for them. They were probably like, yeah. Yeah Yeah That's that's when you're if you could get regular girls and you're still going to hookers. Yeah, that was bad Definitely that was a bad that was me Acting out you had nothing else acting out Acting out, you had nothing else. Acting out, yeah. You had to stay sexy, you weren't ready to give in

to the treats and delights. Well when I gave up the sex addiction, it's like when you give up an addiction, you usually go to another addiction. That's the shitty part about having an addictive personality is you're looking for that dopamine. Yeah, that's why so many people become like fucking pastors. They just replace it with fucking God

or like you become jacked. You know, we thought, you know, Ethan Supplee, you know, he's, but he clearly shifted his addiction to getting jacked, which is awesome. Well, you wanna replace the brick and the wall. You can't just leave an empty brick in your foundation. You have to replace it with something. And you have to usually replace it with a positive brick

so your whole fucking world doesn't fall down. So, yeah, Ethan's great. He's a great example of that. He replaced food addiction with health and fitness, which is awesome. Totally. But it does, you know, I always get nervous now. Like, I'm at the point now where I lost the weight

But I still have that 20 pounds to lose and it's a hard one like last night You know I shouldn't have went to fucking young cock young cocks gonna got young cock last night Beckon did called young cock always back against Pre 2 a.m.. Young cock beckons But it's like I'm sitting there going fuck I could have just went back to the hotel had a protein bar went to the gym this morning What what even is there to free to replace? What could you get in there now? I'm sort of like honestly you're such a good dad that really has taken so much of your

Like you know I think you pour so much of your energy into that family stuff You've been a good dad is it's fucking hard I know it's my mother and my you know all the people that have lives inside me. Yeah, like yesterday Two days ago. I have I have I threw away all my fat clothes. So I have less clothes now, which I'm fine with. I can just put a shirt on. But you still can't dry my t-shirts. I'm still at that stage of fat, where my shirt has to fit the way it fit

when you bought it. Yeah. Yeah. Believe me, I know. You don't think I'm fucking, you don't think there's some drip drying tank tops in that fucking closet up there right now? You can't fuck with it. I don't think there's some drip drying Tank tops in that fucking closet right now This fits yeah, and dawn will fucking dry my clothes and she dropped I have this great bonfire shirt that somebody made for me and

I love the shirt it fits perfectly and I put it on and I was like did you shrink it? It fits perfectly and I put it on and I was like did you shrink it? And she's like I don't know and dawn had to lie to you so that you don't realize you're getting fatter again She's like yes, Bobby. It's my fault One time I said you shrunk my shirt, she said did I shrink the bed in the car too fat so You know my greatest real-life jokes I got right from my fucking. Damn, she got your ass.

That's a devastating burn. But I started, yeah, I got fucking angry because the fat thing is such a shitty thing in my life. It's looming, yeah. It's always there, it's gloomy, and I'm working out, I feel good, I put the shirt on, and I'm like, fuck, there's something wrong.

Just a new one. It's like, you know, it's like a baseball player. You know, they get their bats custom made from Louisville. And you know, you can pick your, I remember a baseball player there was a story who's that famous Yankee player Lou Garrett right is that his name right Lou Garrett Lou Garrett disease right that guy would go there he could pick the bat up and be like that's an ounce off mmm you need to

shave an ounce off of that it's it's an ounce heavy. You need to shave an ounce off of that. It's an ounce heavy. They would break, take it off. And it was. He just knew. When I put a shirt on, I know this is an ounce off. Yeah, that's a little less impressive because your stomach is hanging out of your shirt. Luke Gehrig can do it by feel.

Visually, you can tell. But I see what you're saying. I started yelling. And I'm like, you shrunk my, you know, I don't, I, you know, I started going off. Yeah. Like a baby. Yeah. And Max ran in and he goes, dad, dad, you're being too crazy about this. That's awesome. You're yelling at mom over something that's stupid. And I immediately It is something my parents never did I went I went

And I literally I go max dawn max you're right. I'm sorry. You're right. Thank you for being aware of that dawn I love you and I go I grabbed them both. I love you so much I I get carried away sometimes and I made a mistake and I'm sorry, Don, I should never talk to you like that. And I'm like, Max, I love you and you were right. Thank you for sticking up for your mom and let me know when I was wrong. And in my brain, I'm like, you shouldn't do that. You should let Max know. Yeah, you should throw a snow globe at the TV and then threaten to kill yourself. That's what you should do instead. And come back four days later crying with a new Nintendo.

Well, yeah, because there's something in you like, dude, man. Yeah. And I really believe men admit when they're wrong. That's my big thing. Admit when you're wrong. Totally, of course. Don't fuck, listen, I tell Max that all the time. Dude, you're going to fuck up all the time. The only constant in life is that you will fuck up and fail. That's it.

You will fuck up, you will lie, you will make mistakes. Just own it. Say, anybody, even the fucking guys who work with me, I say that to you guys all the time. Just say, yeah, I fucked up. Don't try to get out of it. I fucked up, I won't do it again, I got it. That's it.

I hate people that won't acknowledge they're fucked up for some weird reason. Just say, yeah, I fucked up. And we're done. We're done. I'm it. What do we do now? And I know Max knows that. At least, I I mean his wife his mom doesn't fucking know it that bitch won't admit it

She'll take it to the grave that it must be interesting though. Cuz like you're I mean max at the age We're just becoming a true Like yeah kids have their own identity stuff, but like he's he's knocking on the door of just being a guy He's right. He's right there. It's right there. And it's like, that's gotta be, on some level, do you just wait to see how it turns out? Because you're doing your best, but it's like, I don't know, it's just, that feels like the most nerve wracking thing in the world,

to just put your kid out there and be like, all right, you just have to be in the world. That's it, you gotta let go. You're a shepherd, you're not a god. You just gotta kind of try this, try that. You can't force him to be good. You can't force him to be what you want him to be. Because he is his own human being.

He is not me. He is not Don. Does he have things? Yes. Does he kinda emulate me in some ways? Yes. But. Oh, you found gay porn his computer not yet The scariest thing in the world when I come home and he's on my laptop

Begins with TR. Yeah,'t doing any trains research. Hope Don wasn't trying to stay at a Sheridan hotel. Yeah, I had my old computer at the house the other day. Max was on it and I ran over and just made, I just brought up the, I typed in a couple letters just to make sure nothing's coming up. But dude, yeah, he's good. Look, I caught him with porn on his phone. On his, you know, I mean, he's fine.

He's sexual now. He likes chicks. He likes girls. Doesn't like, and I don't give a fuck. We talked about that too. I was like, don't, what if he likes boys? And we were both like, cares, man. None of that shit matters, which is great.

And I've explained to him, like, we have gay friends. We, you know, no one knows wife been over for Thanksgiving and stuff like that. He knows about trans people and, you know, I actually, you know you've had trans people at your birthday party. We have trans people and I actually, I go, you know you've had trans people at your birthday party? We have trans people. Like I go, you know Uncle Jimmy,

his wife is trans? He goes, I know. I was like, you knew? He's like, I know. He doesn't care about any of that stuff, which I love. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I love. It's also being younger

and just being brought up with that stuff. Yeah, well, I was brought up in Boston. Yeah. I didn't know about trans until I jerked off. Yeah. Yeah. Until your dick got the hardest it's ever been in your life. One time when you were 15, you're like there was something different about that lady I walked past. You know, when I came up, it wasn't trans.

It was actually trans wasn't a thing until New York. I didn't really know about transgendered, it was a hermaphrodite. Right, hermaphrodite really did have a, and there was always like, it was like you were born that way and there was always like some celebrity, Jamie Lee Curtis was always, they would always say she was a hermaphrodite or whatever.

But there was Sierra when I was growing up, that was our Jamie Lee Curtis. It was like, you know, she was born with a dick. Yeah, but here's the thing. It's like it's never... I've never seen one. Yeah. I've never seen a woman, a hermaphrodite with a full penis in a vagina. I don't think that's a thing.

I think it's some very niche biological term that's so few people and I don't think it even means what everyone says. You know what I mean? No, because you've, I mean, I've never seen a real true porn with a hermaphrodite because it's always a fake penis. Like there's never been the unicorn. You're like, I'm doing the research. I'm trying.

I've looked into this. I'm at the library looking through microfiche, trying to find the first, trying to find the first hermaphrodite porno, but I can't do it. You've never seen one. No, I don't. You've never seen a girl, a woman,

great boobs, awesome cock, and awesome vagina. It's no, I haven't. I'll admit that, I have not. It's not that. Right I'll admit that I have not Right yeah, I think at birth they're born with probably both and they choose I don't think I don't I have no idea I don't even think it's real. I think it might be there's like five people that this has happened to well I was I was I met one and fell in love with a girl Yeah, that's not remember this dog Yeah, but that's not like okay. That's a vagina Yeah, but that's not like, OK, that's a vagina, right?

But then there's a cock. Like a little cock poking out or something? Yeah, but it's not like I'm talking about, oh, get this out of here. I think what would be interesting if there was a pussy under balls, that'd be a good place to hide one. But the pussy is the balls. Right. Interesting. The lips are the balls that become lips at some point. Right. Interesting. Good call. The lips are the balls

that become lips at some point. Right. I don't know. Let's just say. I think they're the ovaries. I think the balls are the ovaries. No. No? No.

The balls. This is even how it works at all. Well, OK. I was born. Everyone starts a girl, I believe, right? Everybody starts a girl, and then at some point you become a boy. The ovaries come out of your pussy and they become balls. And then the clit gets nice and long.

And becomes a penis. I think so. Yeah, because the clit can still become a penis. Let's get Neil deGrasse Tyson on this pod. Let's get a real scientist. No, let's get the Howard guy he probably knows who's that? The guy that was on Rogan. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's his name? I don't know. What's the guy that was on Rogan Howard? Terrence Howard. Oh Terrence Howard. Yes Yeah, I would love Terrence Howard's take on how pussies become balls in utero.

I actually hooked up with a girl that was a waitress at the Boston Comedy Club that, I mean, just smoking hot new back in the day when you could have sex with waitresses. Right. Before the libs took that from us. Before Shanghai Joe Biden took that from us. Shanghai, Joe Biden took that took that from you. I would say Obama. What a hypocrite Barack Hussein Obama took it from you.

Yeah, what a hypocrite he is. No, I think she was smoking hot and we hooked up and then Patrice informed me that she had big hands. And then I went back to the house with her. We didn't have sex or anything yet. And then she, I was all paranoid about it. And then we were in my apartment and I,

she went to the bathroom, I rifled through a purse. And I took out her ID and it said Danielle whatever. And I was like, bathroom, I rifled through a purse, and I took out her ID, and it said Danielle whatever, and I was like, oh thank God. But then I was like, Danielle, Danielle, Daniel, Daniel, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I swear to God.

She's a fucking idiot, idiot trying to solve the stupidest detective ever. When she came out of the bathroom, I was like, listen, I gotta ask you something. We were like close to close. That's hilarious. And I was like, are you a guy? That's insane. Because we didn't have sex yet, so I didn't know.

Yeah. And she went, ugh. And I was like, fuck. And she's like, I was born with both sexes. Get the fuck out of here. I was born with both sexes. Get the fuck out of here. I was born with both sexes, and when I was young, I was more female than male. I related to more, so they took off my penis and...

No. So you actually met. She said, this is what she said. Now, I don't know, she could've just been... Yeah, fucking with you, because you asked a very rude question. She could've been transgender. It wasn't a rude question, It was an honor. She actually was trans or just a mannish looking woman I don't know. I don't know is that to me change wasn't man. She was very pretty

So there's no way she was trans because this is like 30 years ago 20 years ago I mean, let's not get carried away. Yeah 50 years ago. I mean this is the Truman's president 50 years ago, during the Truman's president. This is the new thing I'm running to now. Now that I've lost weight, the new thing to get me with, because comics always have to have something on you. You know what I mean? But now it's I'm 100 years old.

Which is the new thing. I thought that when I got out of the fat, I'd be like, all right, good, I'm good. I don't have to be attacked anymore. Nothing. Life is nothing but suffering, Robert. There's always something you I mean, I'm an old on the regs. That's the whole thing now is fucking old. Those guys are old too. That's the thing. They're the they're actually old. So now you have to it's like going from heavyweight to super heavyweight.

Yeah, you know what I mean? It's like you're in that division. I'm foreman when he was fighting, but he still had the grill out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His success came from a grill, not from fighting. But all I'm saying is this was 20 years ago.

Seven. 17, 19. Yeah, do teens. Okay, all right, 19. And the technology was just not there for her to be that hot if she was fully trans I would I would guess That's my guess she she might have been a hermaphrodite. She might have been I don't know. Yeah, even that's very interesting. I was so So fucked up sexually with that and you know brought up Catholic and my grandmother was alive

We're just talking about how you would fucking piss in anyone's throat or whatever I I had that picking up what I didn't I didn't have the balls enough to I was just talking about how you would fucking piss in anyone's throat or whatever. I Picking up I didn't have the balls enough to To I was like, okay, I'm not I'm just uncomfortable. I don't know if I know I'm too fucked up in my head about this to you. This is too fucked up I'm gonna go pay a 50 year old masseuse to eat my ass No I'm gonna go pay a 50 year old masseuse to eat my ass. Yeah. No gay shit. That's how fucked up I was. Don't forget to stick a pinky in my ass.

I want to... I remember we had the talk. She's like, are you okay with this? I was like, I don't know. I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I'd be comfortable. But that's fair. But you know what, I'm making fun of you, but that is fair. You just have to be comfortable. I was like, I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I'd be comfortable. But that's fair. But you know what, I'm making fun of you,

but that is fair. You just have to be comfortable. I was like, I don't know if I could be totally comfortable because it wasn't a fuck thing. We liked each other a lot. That was gonna be my chick. Like I wanted to, we didn't even, we didn't do any, we kissed. We didn't do shit.

So I was like, I don't know if we could be, this is gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend shit. This is gonna be like us dating. I don't wanna just bang. I wanna be with you. I just like you. And I can't, that's there and I don't know how to fucking overcome that.

Sure, that's fair though. That's at the end of the day, that's the other, that's the other ass, the flip side of like, yeah, we should accept everyone, but no one should do anything they're not comfortable with sexually. Yeah. It's like, that's such a given.

That's what makes it so weird to me, where all of a sudden people are like, well, if we accept trans people, now I have to fuck. What if they trick me? It's like, no one's trying to fuck you, dude. No one's trying to trick you that much. It's the greatest point ever. It's like, yeah.

The tranny tricks? But that's a great point. There's so much latent fear of what they want that you victimize other people because on some level you're afraid. It's like what if you do fuck one of them and you like it? That's what you're, who cares? Who gives a fuck? Who cares what you do with your hole You wash them do between watches not up to me. I don't give a fuck Whatever you want to put in your holes. I just don't want it to smell on the subway Do whatever you want with your oil gives a shot don't give a fuck about any of that stuff

It's just you have to be comfortable with what you're doing. If you're not comfortable. I was more comfortable. Yeah, you know Like thank God I waited because I wouldn't the life I have now with my wife and my son This is the life that I wanted. I wanted that that life I wanted the this life right now that I have. So I wouldn't have been, I don't think I would have been happy not having a kid or blah, blah, blah, or living that life.

I love a old school fucking backyard barbecuing, having dinner at the table. For sure. Well, that's, I mean, it's everything you didn't have growing up. There's something so. I gotta, you know, it's weird. I'm looking back on this. Look, I, you know, we tend to look back on our childhood

and be like, I had a fucked up child. I was. You did, stop. What? Your childhood was so fucked up. It was fucked up, but there's a certain point where you gotta let go of it. Sure, no, no, absolutely.

And be like, yes, I had a fucked up childhood, but every friend of mine had the same life. Not every friend of yours was in fucking juvie and sober by the time they were 16. No, a lot of them are dead. A lot of them are fucking dead, and a lot of them are still drug addicts. A lot of them are still fucked up.

All the friends I had are dead or still dealing in that life. You and your childhood friends. My childhood friends, all those kids. I grew up, like the whole, you know, that's why the black ghetto and the fucked up life thing. Boston had white ghettos. We were in white ghettos.

Nobody had money. We were all fucked up. We all had parents that are drug addicts and fathers that weren't there. I grew up in that life, so it's hard for me to go, oh, you're white, you had it so easy. We didn't, none of us had it easy. No, you definitely didn't have it easy.

I do think there is a, right now though, it's much easier once you get your shit together. And that's not easy, right? That takes a lot of work to do. But once you do it, you almost get to just graduate into white middle class in a way that is harder for somebody because it's just, there are, that's I think the difference.

It wasn't easy for you to get to where you are. Like you said, most of your friends fucking fell off. But I think like, you know what I mean? But it's like, there just is another, there's one more hoop to jump through, is all I can say. I think too though, there is that family that did have it well their whole life. For sure.

I didn't grow up in that, so it's hard for me to relate to people like, I had it so tough, so did all of the people I knew had it tough. Yeah. But there is those people that did have the cul-de-sac, the father and mother and the school system. My school was fucking crazy. Yeah, dude. Yeah, right. I mean, you know, you're going to Baltimore City Public Schools. Yeah, dude. Our schools were fucking nuts. Yeah. It was crazy.

I had high school. I went to Lawrence High. It was majority mostly Puerto Rican. The only thing that the reason why I survived and get my ass kicked because I had a Puerto Rican mustache at the time I swear to God pass for Puerto Rican. I was in shop class one day and they were fucking fucking with the only white kid in shop Yeah, yeah, and I instinctually there you fucking white piece of shit I instinctually looked over and they're like what you got a problem with this, you know, you're Puerto Rican I was like, no, I'm Italian Irish. Yeah. I never talked. Oh, interesting. I never talked. I never said a word. And I was friends with all those guys.

And when they started turning on the fucking white kid in class, I was a white kid. I just looked Puerto Rican and I never spoke. Yeah. You should be like, orale, papi, let's fuck him up. Even in even in that when I was in juvie,, they would fucking oh, yeah, that seems insane Yeah, juvie that by the time that max is 11 right now. I was full into drinking and I was drinking But that's why you're gonna Your fucking kid is playing with the roadblocks

is playing with the roadblocks right now. You were fucking doing shots of fucking Rome. Because in the 70s, you could buy cigarettes as a kid. There was no age limit on buying cigarettes. I don't think that was true. That was actually true. Really? I used to buy my mom cigarettes. I used to go to the store and buy cigars

and cigarettes for my mom and my grandfather. Well, you could, not that you could drink, the drinking age was 18, and you could go, you could wait for a buyer out front. We used to stand in front of liquor store and be like, yeah It's like little play. Hey mister. My yeah, my uncle's used to give me beers all the time You know, you're right culturally was much culture. It was like yeah kids could drink let him drunk And I'm and by the way, I agree with you Like I do think you have to let go of that shit at a certain point But it doesn't mean it didn't happen,

you know what I mean? It happened, absolutely, but there's a certain point where you have to look back and go, my mom had it tough too. Sure. My mom grew up in an era of Catholic Catholicism. When she had my sister, you didn't get to go home, you had to go away.

Yeah. You had to go to a home. Oh, for sure, what your mom went through is crazy. And then, my mom, my father was in Vietnam, came back a drug addict. Their marriage fell apart while he was over there. She lived in a house with 13 people and her two kids. She married a guy who had money because she wanted to have a better life, didn't know that he was an abusive fucking asshole.

By the time that she did meet the guy, Larry, who's the best, I was. My sister was gone. I was already gone. Yeah. You know, we do. She left us alone in the house when I was in fucking first grade. That's crazy. It's crazy now. But back then you left kids alone. Kids. I walked home from school in kindergarten. Yeah, I mean, I remember walking home from school in kindergarten. Kids went to school on their own back then.

Yeah, but they didn't get left alone that much. Dude, I was alone all the time with my sister. No, I know you did. I'm just saying like- The kids did. Yeah. It was much more lax. It was, you look at back then, you treated kids at a very young age as adults, you know? You go to the park, dude, I remember being at the park, you just went to the park, go to the park, and you went, and you came home, and that's it.

It's cliche, we came home when the lights went on. It's the fucking truth. We went to the park, there was no parents at the park as a kid, we were playing on metal. By the way, that's the era, if you're into Y're into young cock what a time you could fucking that was the pedophile golden age back then you know it's too much to print that picture was social media that was the first social media when you this kids missing yeah by the time you print it you get a picture of him

It's the fun is 70s that kids long long kids in Arizona in the hole That's kids sticking up a fucking trunk somewhere. Yeah Yeah, it was uh, I yeah all the time so it was a different time But that's exactly that's my point don't you think there is something to and we even have the conversation where it's like? It's it's kind of empowering for you to be you didn't have a dad you get to be the dad Right like it'd be the dead and that's the thing where that's what I see when I see your life is like you have Achieved these things that statistically should not have happened. You're right. Most of your friends are fun

And so it's like it makes sense. That's the ultimate marker of for you. I would say the thing for me though is that I had to Accept that I was probably gonna fall by the waistline in this business By the way side by the way side waistline. You're really worried about getting the weight back. Aren't you? I was gonna fall by the waistline Because happiness happiness when you get happy, you know, to go back to that point, when you get happy, are you hustling? Are you out every night?

Are you there? Because the next kid, the next Stavros, the next mother fucker is waiting. You know, I had to see a lot of guys go up and over me and achieve things like, wow, that's fucking amazing. That's, you know, I had to see a lot of guys go up and over me and achieve things like, wow, that's fucking amazing. That's, you know, cause I've been on the big tours. Like, you know, you were on the last night, you were with the Burt tour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Burt tour last night, yeah. Right, how was that? It was cool, it was really fun. It's crazy, right? Sutter was there, yeah, it was a great crew. Yeah, I did that. Jay, yeah. I did all that shit. Did that set with Opie and Anthony.

I did all that stuff with Torgasm. Yep. You know, the Opie. And I would sacrifice, I gotta that. I did all that shit. Did that set with Opie and Anthony. I did all that stuff with Torgasm, you know, the Opie. And I would sacrifice, I gotta go. I remember telling Don, I gotta go. I'm gonna be gone for months. I gotta go tonight. We're hanging out. What time are you gonna be back? I don't know.

And come home at five in the morning or not come home for weeks. And I sacrificed it all to be part of the equation of fame and success in this business. And then when I moved up into and decided to have a kid, and when I moved up and got a home and had a backyard, I leave now only to come home.

All my thing is I'm trying to get back to that house. So I walk in that door and they're there and that's my happiness. Happiness is not. But yeah, that's what it should be. I really think what you're doing is more, first of all, it's not like your career is fucking over. No.

And it's like once you're, especially let's say when you're an empty nester, it's like you've had such a, you'll have the opportunity to have, to pour that shit back into it, but like, life just, I mean, you know successful people. I mean, are they fucking happy? Are they like, the people that are at the absolute, very top, there are people that would kill,

like the things, like, we can all covet of other people, they would kill for the shit you have. You know what I mean? They will eventually. Yeah. Eventually. Some already probably would, you know what I mean? Eventually is the one,. Eventually. Some already probably would, you know what I mean? Eventually is the one thing I did see

because it all comes to an end. I mean, I think about, I really have been, that's part of what this house is. Being near my fam, like, I lost touch with my family completely the last three years because I was doing exactly what you were describing. It was like, shit just started popping, and I was like, you don't get these opportunities

in entertainment. When they happen, you have to fucking take them. And there's still things, like I wanna take the whole summer off. I'm getting, I've turned down some things. I'm only doing the stuff that I'm like, I got, like some crazy shit happens, you gotta take it kind of thing. But everything else, like I worry about that,

because I've seen people who do really well or worry about just making money at a certain point, it's just a fucking number in a fucking account somewhere, who cares? And it's like, I lost touch with my family, I lost touch with my friends. I can't have, I haven't been able to have a relationship because I'm just not in any city for any extended period of time. And that is something I really, this year is a year that I took basically off

to think about what do I even want. Because it is really like, I feel like we both started doing comedy so young, and you never think about what I want when you start. You're like, how do I get it? How do I get these things? And then if you start getting them, and you're like, wait, I'm still not happy.

In fact, I'm depressed in a way that I've never considered possible. You know what I mean? And the thing that's supposed to make it feel better is actually making it worse now. Now the thing I love is a fucking chain around my neck that I feel like I have to keep going or I'm gonna fucking sink.

And so I am figuring out like, yeah, a family or some kind of connection. I don't even know if I'm the kind of person that wants to have kids or whatever, but I like being here for, my best friend lives in this neighborhood, I get to see her kid more. You know what I mean?

My brothers, that's why I bought this place, my brothers live around here, my mom lives around here. It's like I'm trying to reconnect with everyone in my family. My dad, my grandma, you know, the clock's fucking ticking on her. You know what I mean? Like how many hangouts with her

do I even legitimately have, you know? So, but I think. I had somebody recently call me up, very popular, and was like, hey, do you to come do this amazing gig a place? I've never played that I've always wanted to play Yeah, always wanted to play it and they called me and they were like, hey, will you come and you know be on the show tonight? And tomorrow and I was I just got off the road. I had a weekend off and I was like no. Yeah, that's a guy good

I was like, I really haven't seen my kid and my wife in a minute and I want to just be with them and people couldn't understand I told us like I don't understand it, but I understand where they're coming from because it's an opportunity Yeah, but I realized that these opportunities That's not my opportunity. Yeah, that's a chase. That's a thing. That's a hope. But what I really have is real. This over here is a real thing that makes me feel fucking awesome. I hung out on Friday night with my kid.

He fell asleep on the couch. We had our little popsicle thing that we do. He's like, dad, which one do you want? I'm like, I don't know, you pick. Come on, we'll have a popsicle. He'll always bite. Like I'll have a popsicle. He he'll always bite like I'll leave. I leave my popsicle like this and I and I and he always leans over. I know you're not talking about molesting your son.

But it does sound like that. You're doing a little popsicle game. That's our little secret. He's a big biter. I got to get him off that habit. But he's such a good sport about it. He's a big biter, I gotta get him off that habit, but he's such a good sport about it. But, he fell asleep, he just ruined a real good thing I have.

I'm sorry. Every time, so he fell asleep on the couch, and then I darn went to bed, and I went to the cigar lounge, and my friends were there smoking, watching fucking stupid TV. Then I'm smoking a bat with a bunch of fucking dudes talking shit and then I come home late,

he's still on the couch. He woke up and we went to the diner at like three in the morning. That's awesome. And we went to the, we sit at the booth. Dude, that's so cool. He orders a fry and a shake. I get eggs and we sit there and we just talk

and he'll show me videos. Then we came back and we all slept in the bed together. Yes. I could have went performed in front of fucking thousand place I always want but it wasn't mine. Yeah, it's not mine. Yeah, that's yours Yeah, I've done yours a lot. Yeah, and I've chased that day and it's like I did that I felt fantastic The next day. Yeah, and like look and like we said, it's like it's not like Something changed and you're ready to do that shit again or you want to do that the calculus I felt fantastic the next day. Yeah, and like we said, it's not like something changes and you're ready to do that shit again, or you want to do the calculus, you know what I mean?

Well, fame is, Patrice actually described fame, it's a roller coaster ride. You gotta wait in line for a long time, because you don't have that VIP pass. You gotta wait in that fucking line, and then you get on the ride, and then you go up, and it's a whole, and you do, woo, and you come off, and what fame does is let you get get on the ride and then you go up and it's a whole, and you do woo, and you come off and what fame does is let you get back on the ride

a little faster. You still have to wait on the line, but you don't know when you're gonna get back on, but you're not waiting on that line anymore. You're on the other line. You're on the EZPass line. And you get back on, you don't know. I have shit now, I got two, three shows I'm working on.

One of them's happening, the other one's, you know, and if, I get worried about that, because if one of these shows goes, and it's a success, I'm gonna have to be away, and I'm gonna have to go do this. Yeah. And, but right now I'm ready. I've made the decision, I can do this now.

My son's at an age. He is, yeah. I'm at an age, and he'll know what's going on right now. I've spent a lot I can do this now. My son's at an age. He is, yeah. I'm at an age and he'll know what's going on right now. I've spent a lot of that and he'll be okay with that. And I'll move forward with that. And it could happen again where it could happen bigger and better than I've ever had. Danny, can you sit down and stop?

Yeah, I told you. If he stands up, his hands, he can't stop moving. Yeah, yeah. He can't stop moving Stop moving you put on like blue ears something for no do you think even an iPad? You have it you need a disco ball Is there something wrong? Okay, can you do it without fucking panicking everybody?

But yeah, I think like what you're doing right now, for me to see you like succeed and have all this stuff and enjoying your life, it makes me happy because you are such a hustler. Thank you, man, yeah. I'm trying, I mean it is hard. It does feel, you can't deprogram yourself from, it's really hard to tell yourself to not do certain things. But last night you're there.

I was there, yeah. It's a party, it's crazy. I mean, that's a perfect example. Great shows, great hangs. And it does like, it is exposure. Like I go on those tours and more people find out about me. You know, tons of Burt's fans. I just couldn't, I literally told them, I was like, I love you guys, but I can't do

this right now. It's too much fun. It's a party and it's like, and the pay is good and I'm also off the road, which is like, you know, that's most of my money. The road, and so it is a year where I'm like, money's not as important as other shit, but I just could, I can't do it. I literally need to chill out and fucking work out and exercise.

When you left the party last night, did you feel good that you were just coming home? I felt good, yeah. I felt good. Like, I was at the party, I was like, I'm having the time of my life. On the show, I was having a great time, but when I was back here, I was like,

thank God I'm not on a tour bus. Thank God, you know what I mean? You got a movie coming out. Yeah, we got a movie, yeah, you were in the movie. It's coming out sometime in the fall, a little indie. Let's start a cult. Yeah. I'm pumped about that.

You, you, you, you produced the whole thing. You produced it, wrote it with my buddies. You guys, you put the money up for it my buddies. You put the money up for it. I didn't put the money up for it. Oh, you had a company do it? Yeah, yeah, we had a company. Oh, thank God.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's gonna be a success. I think it's gonna make its money back. But yeah, I mean, I'm pumped for that because that was just like, and I just like making shit too. That's the other thing. I love it.

That's the best part is like, I definitely thought about my career for the last few years, but it's like, I have 15 minutes of new material that's not on the special, and it feels so much better working that out. I went to DC, Sean Joyce's room, it's so good. Hotbed, he used to run Big Hunt. He's got his own brick and mortar place now.

We played Big Hunt, didn't we? Yeah, we've done it. Yeah, that was great. So he's got his own brick and mortar place now. We played Big Hunt, didn't we? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was great. So he's got his own brick and mortar place in DC. It's great. Awesome. And I went to the DC Improv and did some spots. That's like, when I was in LA,

and I wanna go back to New York and just chill and do spots and just be a comedian. Just make stuff and have fun and see my friends. That's the best, we're so lucky that to fucking be like, what's the most money I can make? And how popular I can get, what's the point? What's the point of that? We did hit a lottery, we get to see our friends.

When you're doing clubs and it's like, when you're in the city and it's like, if it's a good hang, you're getting paid to work on the thing you like the most and see your friends. And for the last couple years all I did Was not see any of my friends. Yep, make as much money as I can. Because when you're a headliner, you're out Yeah, you're out of it. Yeah, the best time for me was when all me, Norton, Patrice, were all middlers

Yeah, yeah, that's a great time. We were at the cellar seven nights a week. It's a great time. Godfrey, me, Corielli, fucking Norton, Keith, Voss. We headlined a little bit, but then when we all started headlining, we don't see each other anymore. Because we're on the road doing our own thing. And now like this summer, I take July and August off

from comedy and I try to get all my podcasts in. I'll still be doing the bonfire on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays, but on Mondays and Tuesdays, I'm going down, I'm doing sets at the cellar. I only write in short sets. I write at clubs. It feels nice to do that. It's so hard for me to come up with material right now because I feel such an obligation

to do an hour of holy shit material and I feel like I can't write on stage because I feel like they you know my style of comedy is bang bang bang bang bang bang I have to get in the clubs yeah and like I did a weekend at the cellar like a month ago and I was like I gotta get back to this I gotta get back in to just whappen spots out yeah getting up going up after the fucking killer young guns. They're trying to get out of poverty with their jokes Like that's that's something you want to follow you want to follow the fucking desperate Yeah, absolutely go up and try the jokes and get back into the city That's important for me because that's where I write

I don't I don't I remember I would when I was doing the city I would have a couple new jokes open with a fucking fucking old one, put the new ones in the middle. By Saturday night, I had two new jokes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's just fun. That's the other thing. That's a fun way to go about your life. There's nothing better.

I feel the same way where I think about what time in my life do I like the most? It was either right after getting established in New York where I'm doing a bunch of spots or honestly, that last year in Baltimore where I'm going to DC every night. You start out with a shitty premise on a Sunday, and by next weekend, it's a good joke. It's a good joke. And I just love stand-up.

As much as I've been thinking about what I want to do, and I am interested in acting more, but stand-up is just so fun. I love it. just a good time. Acting is fun. You're a great actor Yeah, you know, I don't like the lifestyle as much Like the dude I like being on when I when I did yours was the last thing I did Yeah, and go into the set go in a wardrobe hanging out in between Scenes and then go so when you get in, you sit down, you go through the thing and then you get the little direct

and you find little spots. I felt like on that thing though, it was so weird because Ethan was my son. Yeah, I know. How does that, did you saw the scene? What happened is we hit, you know, I was like, my dad, you gotta play, it's gotta be Bobby, of course. It just makes sense.

And then I just, I'm friends with Ethan, but Ethan's an actual fucking huge character actor. So I was like, hey dude, I wrote a script. Here's a couple small parts where we could get you in and out, and I offered him like three or four things, and he was like, I really like the- Son? Yeah, and I was like, well

You're like what four years older than he Seen work it works. It'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for sure. I mean do I look old enough? But I do think we have a father-son energy that works But I do think we have a father-son energy that works. It's also crazy and it's like, he looks kind of insane. He doesn't read, you read more like a dad than he does, even though he's a fucking grandfather, which is hilarious. He had a kid who was like 18 and now, you know what I mean? So he's literally a grandfather playing my brother,

playing your son, and you. But I think he, me and his relationship reads more antagonistic brothers. Because like in a vacuum he could play my brother and in a vacuum you could play my dad. But together it doesn't, time wise it doesn't make any sense. But I think it was very funny. And the movie's done?

Movie's done, we're just going to like final sound passes and color and stuff, it's good. I'm happy with it We wanted to get a tight comedy 90 minutes. How much did you cut me out of it? You're yeah, you're kind of you do one frame where you say hello And we actually you were right about the problem with it be you you were too young so we just kind of fully recast that part Oh great We had a different guy we just shot him in close-up That's great. I'm just trying.

We had a different guy. We just shot him in close up. I'll fucking kill you. No, no. You're in there, brother. All right, dude. Yeah. No, I'm excited.

I'm excited too. Listen, man, I thank you for doing the YKWG. Of course. I'm sad you didn't come get Young Cock with us last night. I wish, yeah. Honestly, if I had known, I probably would have come. You would have?

I would have because I was have because I was at fucking. He's gonna kill me. I was in Columbia, I was driving, it was on the way to my house, and I got here at fucking 1 1.30. I could have left at any time. If you had texted me, I 100% would have come. It's my fault.

Yeah. There's no way he's on the tour right now. What has it hurt to text? You should have threw me a text, bro I hope you choke on your shoelaces. I said text them. Why didn't you just text me? What do you got it? What does it got to go through this guy for? I don't fucking know this guy. You're my friend There's a little blame. He's autistic, but you also should have just texted me. I should yeah. Yeah, I know but you're on the tour I don't know fuckin' drag you away.

What's so fucked up is, because I've been very good about my eating, but because I'm at that tour, so it's like, once you're like, all right, today's a cheat day, I got back here, I was like, I'm fuckin' hung. Like, I literally raided my, I would have killed to get that text. It was so good.

I would have killed to get that text. You're a fuckin' asshole, and so am I. I literally came here and ate like fuckin' sardines and fucking like they're good But you know, I'm trying to make little treats with what I have I have a couple like unsweetened chocolate chips and I'm like putting them in my mouth and bring a little maple syrup to make An actual candy bar out of it put him on a cracker Well next time I'll fuck a go get young bar, dude. Yeah. All right, well, next time, I'll fuck, we'll get Young Cock together. I'll take some, yeah. All right, buddy.

Well, listen, check him out. You know who he is already, Stavi, baby, my little son. I'm so proud of you. That's right. And thanks for letting us come over to your house. Of course. Thanks for coming. And we'll see you guys.

We got questions from the Patreon. Okay. So we're going gonna cut to that now if you're not a patreon member. You're an asshole But I get it. I get it. There's a million fucking patrons out there So the ones that are thank you if you want to be a member of the patreon and you'll be you get this first the episodes First we do an extra episode every week and you get to ask the people on the show questions And those are the people we asked the questions from go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly it supports the show and it pays these fucking Beautiful human beings that come with me and tour with me all the time

Joe, what do you got? It's the cheese show the cheese show on YouTube He does an awesome little show with him and his wife. Have you ever seen it still going strong? I remember you plugging it last time. Buddy. I love that it's still going. I don't, I'm really, I feel like the show. How much cheese is there, man? I tell you, dude.

This is the fun, I love the show. I don't know why somebody hasn't picked it up. And Danny, what do you got? Besides autism. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and New Year's Eve at the Dojo Comedy. New Year's Eve at the dojo New Year's Eve at the dojo The dojo guy called me up yesterday. You know, you're fucking June This is fucking six months from now

The next summer solstice I'll be doing a fucking show summer solstice I'll be doing a fucking show. That's an awesome plug. Juneteenth of next year. Yeah, he has the dojo and the guys were trying to get me this. He texted me yesterday and he's like, dude, I really want to get you back in. I'm booking up that I go, dude, New Year's. Wow. He goes, fuck, really? I go, yeah, I want New Year's. He goes, he goes, all right. I gave it to Danny. I go, take it back. He was going to do it. He was going to do it. He was

going to take it away. I wish I had old Bobby with a fucking snap. I hate working New Year's. I want to work New Year's. Yeah, no, New Year's is atrocious. And I would have made him host. Yeah. Of course, check out. Yeah, the good news is he's working New Year's at the dojo, so that is punishment enough.

You don't have to take it from him. No, the dojo's great. But I mean, it's New Year's and fucking Jersey. It's not about the dojo. It's like, well, as Rich Voss would say, they got great shrimp scampi. It's so funny. You guys were at the big show last night. I was at Magoobies. The good boss was at the fucking port.

Oh, really? Yeah. The port is at the port. That's hilarious. That's awesome. But you got to go to Stavibaby. Great. Well, you got St got Stavi baby calm, right? Stavi dot biz stop. Ooh, it's my old joke website that just I kept around and you got your podcast Stavi's world Listen to that we get you know, huge it's doing well huge. Yep. And then yeah, no, no real road dates so far But you know, he's coming out look out for the movie. He's coming out this fall Yeah, and the name of the movie is...

Let's Start a Cult. And I read the script, it's fucking hilarious. Thanks dude. It's great, and I hope when it pops off you get me in something real. Yeah. Like a sitcom. I would love that.

God damn Shane, fucking cocksucker. I could have been in tires you fucking, you fucking close-eyed cocksucker We'll get you we'll get you in whatever I do for sure come on god damn it I need another coattail. Yeah, all my coattails are fucking come on just plenty of room Bobby Goddamn plenty of room like you know what? No, let's stop with all this relaxing and enjoying your life stuff actually. Let's double down on working. No, well, I'll work for a month.

We just moved, we just were selling a house. Ooh. Yeah, selling a house. Holy shit, when's it, when? Well, we were closing the 15th, we're moving to Katona. Wow. Nice neighborhood. Great schools. Fuck, are you telling me I've had my last steak tip on that lawn? On that lawn. Fuck, dude. The new one. had my last steak tip on that lawn? On that lawn.

Fuck, dude. I can't wait to see the new one. New one's better. Can't wait to see the new one. You're gonna love the town. Love the new house. Yeah. Yeah, we're closing on the house.

That's awesome. Congrats, dude. And we'll be gone. All right, well check it out. You guys are the best fans in the world. We're going to Patreon right now to ask Stivey some questions. So head over there if you're a member.

If you're not, you're on YouTube, or you listen to this on Apple or Spotify or whatever, make sure you hit the like, thumbs up, rate it, subscribe, do all that stuff that helps the podcast grow. We'll see you guys next time on You Know What, Dude?