Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #552 | Sarah Tollemache | Drawing Joe List's P***s

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

This week Sarah Tollemache comes on the podcast to describe Joe List's Hog, Talk about having a child, and play a game where she realizes what she could have purchased instead of a kid. FOLLOW Sarah Tollemache IG: @Stollemache FOLLOW Robert Kelly IG: @RobertKellyLive FOLLOW Sarah Tollemache IG: @Stollemache FOLLOW Abbey Rosko IG: @abbeyrosko Website: www.abbeyrosko.com Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT / robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! / robertkelly / ykwdpodcast / ykwdudepodcast / ykwdpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

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What's up everybody, Robert Kelly at the You Know What Dude Studios, Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. I have the amazing Sarah Talamash here with me tonight. Thank you. I married you. You did, you did a really great job. I did alright.

Yeah, you did great. My parents loved you. Your parents were adorable. Oh, thank you. They were great, I loved you. You did. You did a really great job. I did all right. Yeah, you did great. My parents loved you. Your parents were adorable. Oh, thank you. They were great. I loved it. We were talking before about the podcasting whole thing. It's, it's, you asked me how long I've been doing this. I've been doing it too long to where the fact,

I think this is the last one. This is, this is it. I think this is it. And I'm going to go out as a gay man. This is it. I think this is it. And I'm gonna go out as a gay man. Like, hey. Hey. My new podcast is gonna be called, Hey Bitches.

Hey, that's not a bad avenue to go down. Oh, it's a great avenue to go down. Hey bitches. We should do that together. What's up? This week we'll be talking about when do you have anal? Is it the first or second date when don't you bingo I win cha-ching I get all the money Dave growls a pig oh my god

did you just read what he came out with yeah he came out with a fucking baby baby out of wedlock a better right well I guess is that not out of wedlock. A better. Right. Well, I guess not out of wedlock, out of a marriage. It's well, he's married and he had to announce to us for, I hate that. I hate that rock stars are so scared of being canceled. Right. So scared of what the people will think. Do you think Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Robert Plant, Motley Crue, David Lee Roth gave a fuck about what I thought.

Now, I just wanna let everybody know, nobody gives a fuck Dave, go comment everybody. Look, I feel like it's not a surprise. Although there is a feeling with Dave Grohl that you're like, oh no, but then you're like, oh yeah, all along. Why would they be any different? You're a rock star on the road

and everybody treats you like a god. You're a genius. DM's coming at you. Every, I mean, I'm fighting it off. I'm a tubby bald fuck from Boston, and I love my wife, and I gotta fight off milf tits all the time. Right.

I love milf tits. Oh my God. Keep them coming, keep them coming. My wife doesn't care. She doesn't know. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't listen to this podcast. She doesn't know, she doesn't follow me on social media. That's smart. I don't listen to my husband't know. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't listen to this podcast. She doesn't know.

She doesn't follow me on social media. That's smart. I don't listen to my husband's podcast. Yeah, it's better. I feel like it's like reading their diary and it's not fair to them. It's not that good. And I don't want him to listen to my podcast. Hey, babe, we're good.

Hey, ho, dude, man, boom, boo, bye. Sarcastic, we're casies. Joke, joke, joke, joke. Serious topic, let's not do it's. Joke, joke, joke, joke. Serious topic, let's not do it. No, no, Joe's the best, he's the best. It's great, I married him and I carried his seed. Here's the thing with this girl,

this girl hit the jackpot though. You know, as soon as he came, he went, she crossed her legs and went, all right, buddy, I gotta go. She just flips upside down. And she just, she slowly walked backwards, holding that bucket of Dave Grulges in her vagina.

She actually, she went down the stairs upside down to make sure it got in. Just hand standing. What are you doing, ma'am? Nothing. Mind your business. I'm just Cirque du Soleil-ing down the stairs. I'm getting my kid's college fund.

Oh, how great is that for her? Yeah. As soon as he came, she just went, I mean, she heard, ah. She's already buying stuff. If guys who get pregnant, and I know some can, I get it. Don't fucking cancel me. We're new. Don't cancel cancel me. We're new.

Don't cancel me, them he she why. Um, I, if I could get pregnant, if I could get pregnant, I would let Madonna come in me. Right. I'd let Beyonce fucking dump right in me. Oh, all right, like, and then you'd have the opportunity. I would go let Liza Minnelli drop her old eggs inside of my jizz.

Kind of like from the movie Alien. Yeah, yeah. Even if it did come out of my belly like that, like it just shot out. You're like, oh good, I get to buy a new house. This girl, how happy. I mean, yes, tragic for Dave Grohl's family who have everything.

And probably never see him. They're on the road all the time. He'll see him. tragic for Dave Grohl's family who have everything. And probably never see him. They're on the road all the time. He'll see him. He's gonna make, and it sucks, gonna make him like a roadie. That's the thing that's, when you get caught cheating,

how much you have to like go against who you are as a person to win your loved one's back. Dave's gonna be in his constant, he's gonna be like, yeah man, give it up for my kid, he's up there on the rafters. He's a key grip. All right, rock it out. My other kid's over here on backstage.

He's drinking champagne. He was on the G5 with the regular family, but he's on the True Bus. Yeah. He's earning it. Give it up for Jose. Right, because I follow Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child. And he looks just like him.

I know, what was it, Dan and Jay were talking about, when they talked about it on the bonfire, that it's like, dude, he said, I'm going to beat it, but they were trashing how much he looks like, and I was like, I got this fucking loser, but that's my real son. Yeah, my Mexican seed really took hold.

It did. Because I feel like he's actually making a push for, he's actually working really hard. I don't know what the Shrivers are doing. Yeah, you know what they're doing. They're just fucking getting drunk in Hyannis. Fucking over here. What's happening with fucking Robert Jr.

He's fucking losing his mind, this fucking alien weirdo. Exactly. Yeah, fucking get the sailboat out, fucking Tweaky, whatever fucking your girlfriend's dumb name is. I have no idea. Arnold's kid is just fucking cracking it out. Right, he's going on auditions, doing TikToks. I see him more than the whatever the Shriver kids are.

How great would it be if he became the next Arnold? Right. That's great. I think the other Shriver married a Pratt. What's his name from the office? Not the office, Parks and Rec. He was also in Jurassic Park. Oh, really? Yeah, I think so.

Oh yeah, and he dumped the funny woman. Yeah. He dumped that loon. She got old. I'll tell you what, she was one of the funniest roles ever is a. Right, I thought in House Bunny. No.

Or my, the one where she's the pop star. Chris Pratt. We're just old people that are like, you know that movie. Just friends. Just friends, yeah. It's just friends, House Bunny, yeah, that was it. That's what I'm fucking watching.

What is House Bunny? She, that's it. That's what I'm fucking watching. What is House Money? That's when she goes into a sorority, but she's too old for it. No, I, Just Friends is one of the funniest movies of all time, and she, in the movie, is fucking hilarious. She's great. Yeah. What would you do, real quick,

you've been married for how long? 2017. What is that, seven years? I have, yes, it's 24. Yeah, I don't fucking know. I know, I don't. After two, it's like, who cares? You're not getting out of it. I was trying to look up what do you get for the seven year,

and it's wool. Yeah, you get the cold shoulder. Yeah. You know what you get the cold shoulder. Yeah. You know what you get at 17 years? A dry vagina and hot flashes. That's what you get. Yeah, that's what I'm getting now. I get jerking off in the shower.

In between. And bush fat. And errands that your wife is running. Well, you got your beautiful husband, Joe. Gorgeous. He's, you know, what's good for you is good. No, adorable. Not your type.

Not my type. The thing is, is that I, you know, people know he's funny. People know that he is great actor, writer. Great actor, prolific. Yeah, he comes up with a lot of specials. Yeah, well listen, it's not like it's 1985 where it's hard to do. All right, You need four iPhones

and a nerd and you can do it. No, I'm kidding. Right. No, he's a great writer. He's a, I mean, he's always pumping shit out. Right. But what people really want to know is does he have a nice penis? It's glorious. I just talked about this again on another podcast. Okay. I know you're going to think that we're okay. We're just like every other podcast, right? No, Danny, can you please introduce this woman sitting behind me? we have a Sketch artist here that's gonna do a police sketch artist style based on your description of Joe's penis that we take it to the next level. Okay, which is why kwd?

This is Abby Abby. How are you? And she's not happy? I'm good. And she's not, I'm telling you right now, legitimate artist. All right. She's no joke. So like, I have to describe it as if it like held me up at gunpoint.

Yes, like it's a Puerto Rican at 125th street on the sixth train at three in the morning. Try to describe it to the police. Yes, like when you see it. I don't know, it was dark. It was late at night. No, no, no, the morning. Try to describe it to the police. Yes, like like when you see it. I don't know it was dark, it was late at night. No, no, no, the penis not the guy that attacked you. All right now if you can also what do you need from her? Abby just things that you need from her to describe it or does she can she just describe it and you're good with it? Would it fit on this piece of paper? Absolutely.

Thank God. Right. Right. She had to run to Utrecht's and get another pad. Fuckin' what? Good pull. Good pull. Utrecht's, remember that? OK, nice talking to you.

OK, can she just describe it and you can go? Yeah, start describing. OK. Well, first, it's circumcised. I think then that clears out half more than the world. Yeah, that will that. Yeah. And you know, you're a good person.

Thank you. Yeah. I'm a good person. Yeah, because you chose that instead of the other. Right. Yeah. It's weird. The old snuffle-o-fagus.

But I think most people are gonna go in that direction. Nope, they're not. We had a hard time with that with our son. I didn't know where to go. Did you, let's not get sidetracked. Right. A little more description, please. OK.

It's big, but it's not where you're like, oh my god. I don't know what to do with that. OK. So I would say, because it's not, it's, I would say it's average. Yeah. Right? Maybe, you know, Bobby.

I've seen it. I can help if you need it. Every time I've FaceTime with him, towards the end of the conversation, he slowly pans down the phone and his cock is sticking out hard. Bobby, you can't help describe because you're gonna be the judge on if it looks like it.

Right, right. Okay, gotcha. Thank you, Denny, for being the producer that you are. Thank you, Denny, for being the producer that you are. I would like to say it's probably like, I don't know what the color is, but almost grayish. Do you know what I mean? Like a purple. I'm just like, it's not like the skin on his face.

I'm just like, it's not like the skin on his face. Honestly, I don't really look at it that in depth. Why don't you start at the top? The top. The tip, the helmet. The helmet. The helmet, is it big, wide, what do you got? Probably like that. Okay, that's good.

I think. Okay, and we're talking hard now, we're not talking regular. like that. Okay. That's good. I think. Okay. And we're talking hard now. We're not talking regular. We're a hard. Well, in my mind, I'm thinking it's regular. Did that mess you up?

Just regular? Yeah. I was describing regular. I'm sorry. I'm getting turned on. I took it too far. Right. I apologize, girls.

I wanted it hard, but it's your penis. Draw whatever you want. You want a fucking unhard penis? Right. I apologize girls. I wanted it hard, but it's your penis draw whatever you want You want to you want a fucking unhard penis right fucking and the balls dip below? Okay balls go below the penis and then one's higher than the other one nut is higher than the other This is good normal. How's this? It's good, right? Yeah. Thank you Okay, great. All right. So you clean it's thank God. It's clean. Thank God. It's clean. It's gone through the wringer though. He's got the herpes. He's got the herpes.

Yeah, he's got the. It's rare that it shows up. No, here's the thing. I say if you don't got warts, herpes, or crabs, you're not a man. Right. You need to have. I said it's got character.

It's got character. It's gone through wars. It's like Tommy Lee Jones' face. It is like Tommy Lee Jones' face. It is like Tommy Lee Jones' face. It's been through some stuff. It's been through some stuff, a lot of stuff. Now when you got, I don't wanna, I mean people flip out about this whole circumcision thing.

So you're defa- Right. You're defa- It's mutilation. Listen, here's the thing with this. Nobody said anything, right, to me. Right. And then I'm in the hospital and they're just like, all right, we're gonna take him for I'm like, okay Head came out of my wife's vagina a few hours ago and then like we're gonna take him. Okay, I don't know

She's fucking freaking out right? I'm okay and he comes back circumcised right and then when I people I said it on a show You fucking you mutilate you baby. Listen, where were you? I know, we've been doing it for a long time and I just thought maybe it should look like his dad's. So, yes, you can recognize him. In a gay bath house. Right, dad?

Dad? Yes, son. Oh, thank God. I was about to blow you, but I saw my penis. And I knew that was, that's my dad. Yeah. Oh, that God. I was about to blow you, but I saw my penis. And I knew that was, that's my dad. Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah, no, so you did it.

You got it. I think we probably need like an amount of inches. Inches. Like that? I would say it's like six regular. He's gonna be mad. That's like pretty good. Says you.

Regular. Regular. Regular? Right. Like you get in your rent-a-car? Well. She's a racing, which I find very funny. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Well if it gets mad I'll say, they misunderstood I meant the English inch. The English inch. It might be different. Yes, it's a little English. Where's your accent? They're gonna have an accent this show. I wanted to.

I can't keep one for a long, a long amount of time. If are drifting. All right. Let's see if you can keep it. Keep an accent and then we'll see when you drift out. OK. Ready? And hello. Hello. Oh, you. So I think his cock. I think his cock. It's got maybe like a slight rings around the head.

Do you know what I mean? Like a, like a, like a turtleneck that's scrunched a little. Really? Right. Wow. He's wearing like a mock turtleneck or a regular one? Like a mock. Okay.

But not rolled. Yeah. No, I already left it. You left it. I already dropped the accident. You dropped it. You went around his neck. you went around his neck. It's around his neck.

Now, let me ask you a question. If Joe, if, he'd never do it, but what if you found out Joe had a baby with another woman? Would you be pissed? Yeah. Okay. I would. It would depend if it happened before our marriage or when we were going out.

Like that happened to Gavin Rossdale. He got married and then he found out he was a father to like an 18 year old daughter. There's something different about it that if you did it before everything and it was a thing you really didn't know about, I guess, yeah, that's 100% different. The reason why I would hate it is like,

I like to keep my life as simple as possible and I do not want another Entity in my life. You don't have to visit somebody else for christmas a drop off. You know what I mean? Like yeah exchange a talk to the the girlfriend. Yeah, you don't have the phone ringing. It's her He's not here. I don't know. I don't know where he is. Yeah, I have to be the bigger person Sure, you can come over for Christmas, the love child. Yeah, bring him over. Yeah, okay, you can hold my baby if you want.

Right. Yeah, and then, you know, you gotta get him a present. Right. Yeah, what should we get? What should we get Jimmy? I don't know. I don't know. How about like, how about a new dad?

Any podcast swag that you got that I don't give a shit about. I give like a regs hat. Give him a regs hat. You piece of shit. Why don't you fucking worry about your real son? Here's your regs hat. Yeah. This one you made with the woman you love.

Oh, I made the other one too. Um, yeah. Be like you bastard. Uh, Sarah? Yeah. I have a question. Yes. Wait a minute.

One second. Joe, why is your voice changed? Oh, Sarah. He's nervous. What's up, Joe? I'm a raging description of the head. Like, is it more of like a mushroom cap or like a German soldier helmet? Like a like a Darth Vader, but mainly from space balls. Does it look like a like a cool turtle? You know what a turtle sticks is? Right. But a turtle when it sticks its head out, has like a skinny neck.

I can't help you because I've seen it. Sorry. So weird I've seen your husband's cock. Well, I feel like every male comic has seen each other's penis. That's like your, y'all's love language. Yeah, it's, well, I've never showed my dick. Or balls.

I've never done that. Though like, hey, and then your friend looks down and you're like, your balls are out. It's a very, like your husband is very sophomoric humor. Right. He'll whip his dick, Ari take his dick. I'm not, I've never been into it. Right. I've never been here because anytime your husband takes his dick out, I just want to

suck it. I know it's really hard for you. It's so hard. It's so hard for you. It's hard not to just put it in my mouth. I'm sorry. I don't mean that No, I've just never been into like blood or piss or balls. It's right I'm like more of a bad badge my well I'm into like, you know slapping shit out of somebody's hand. Yeah, or shut up or you know, blah blah blah

They're like rolling the window up while they're talking. Yeah. I feel like that's your. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that. Or hanging up mid conversation. That's more my sophomore type of humor.

Theirs is let me show you my dick and balls. I'm a, whatever. I don't wanna see your dick. Yeah. It's a weird, it's a weird thing, but your husband shows me all the time. I've seen ours dick more than I've seen my dick. Right, it's just a thing that I would,

like women don't really do to each other. Yeah, that would be weird. Right. That'd be hilarious though. I know. If you and- I just have a text message thread of my- Bonnie had just showed each other's bloggers.

Labias, yeah. But you draw shit on it, like a little face. You write fuck you on it. Right. I'm like Bonnie, check out this new joke. You draw, you draw, you draw, you make it into a face. Right. Put like an afro where your pubes are.

I think I've seen a Homer Simpson as a pussy look. Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah. It's, it's, I've seen a hamburger. Right. I've seen a lot of things. It's actually pretty artistic. It's impressive. Well, every vagina is different. Right. It really I they are massively. Yeah.

And it's weird. It is weird. And I don't I don't even know the scope of it. Do you know what I mean? Like what I've only seen you know, you go online. I know but it's not like I'm checking it all the time. Right. But I mean like I haven't seen you know, you know online I know but it's not like I'm checking it all the time All right, but I'm meaning like I haven't seen what like every single cultural around the world Like there should just be a book of of vagina, but I think it's just called Google search Yeah, but that would be a great book, right? Like vaginas around the world. It's kind of like the vagina monologues I'm assuming yeah, but if it was without written word straight a coffee table book

Yes, a coffee table book of artistic Vagis from around the world. Yeah, we should do from all Sorts of people do you know how interesting that would be you don't see the face You don't see you just open it up and it's a vagina, right? We have some questions from the people watching live on Patreon about Joe's penis. Lou wants to know if there's any spots, moles and the width and if there's any hair. Not directly on it, but you know, you always have like... Which one is this?

Spots, moles or hair. Oh, hair. Sorry. Don't you talk to the guest like that. I'm sorry. Big fan. I don't think there's any spots. No little freckles?

No, no little freckles. I haven't gone that in depth. Hair? You know, I feel bad that I haven't scoped it out as much as I think I'm... As I have? As you have, yeah. No hair? Yeah, I've never had to zoom in on it.

Yeah, he just. He doesn't shave, but he's not like a wooly mammoth. It's like normal. It's normal, yeah. Any other questions, Dani? It's not even like noticeable to my mind. Lou had a, has it just asked, are we including the balls? Which I think is a good point.

I always just include the balls so you can get a, like, an idea of how it hangs. So then we need a description of the balls. I said it they hang below and one is higher than the other by how much not by not at a concerning amount so like a regular like I don't know what happens inch that's good let's move it on I mean she's an artist she has to have creativity. She has to use her artist license, her artistic license. Me and Dawn finally moved up to, we moved further.

We went further up. And you guys went further in. We did. We went down. You went down and in the beast. Right. I've never lived in Manhattan before. So so you're in a doorman building. You're in the beast. You're right in the city. Is this what you wanted? Is this? Yes. You're excited about that. I'm excited about it, but I'm not. I'm never happy about paying more money. Um, but every other place that we were throwing out,

we could not compromise. What do you mean? Meaning like there was New Jersey. I'm just worried if we move out of New York, I'm going to be all by myself and not able to get into the city to run spots. And I enjoy running spots. And I don't think I'm a stress factory kind of gal.

No, I don't think anybody is a stress factory kind of gal. No, I don't think anybody is a stress factory kind of human. Did I say that out loud? Did I say I hope they close? Maybe Dojo. Dojo's great. I feel like I've seen people of my same humor have a good time there. Dojo is a fun spot.

And they treat you so good. Which is big. It's big. If you are uncomfortable, have anxiety, or worried, or if people at the club are fucking you, treating you bad, or making you feel shitty, you can't perform. But when you walk in and you feel awesome,

and they make you feel like a star. Relax and no micromanaging. You can perform at your highest level. Right. If you can have that. That's why the dojo, when I went there, Danny was telling me about it, and I went there and it was incredible.

Yeah. Yeah. But you could, look, I live up there, I have four minutes from the train that goes to Grand Central. Right. But here's the thing, you got this new baby. I do.

You got married and now you're having a baby and this was not on the plan. It wasn't. Because I talked to you guys. And I- Joe did a switcheroo. I was always like, it's great no matter what, whatever. Not having a kid is amazing, but also like I always did wanna have a kid.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, well, Dawn was the same way and I didn't know it because I was like, no, let's just not do it. We're too old, fuck it. And she was like, all right, yeah, me either. Well, I also didn't wanna lose out on that experience. I don't know if that sounds self-centered. What do you mean?

Meaning like, yeah, I would like to be a mom. Yeah. I wouldn't want to go through life regretting that I didn't do it. I can always just leave him. The baby. Are you talking about Joe or the baby? The baby.

Oh yeah, you can leave. I can always just leave. Can't leave Joe. They don't care what the mom leaves. Doesn't even know you yet. Yeah, they don't know. Not yet. I mean, Dave's gonna leave that fucking jizz bucket

he just had somewhere. Well, it's funny, Joe didn't want it. And I remember talking to you guys, and all of a sudden you spun it around. Right, he had just changed his mind. He said it was because of Rachel's baby. If she can do it, he can do it? Hey, if that bimbo can have one, he can do it. If that bimbo can have one, I can do it.

Yeah. I just think because she brought him to your house. She brought her child to your house. Oh, so I didn't have any. It wasn't me at all. It wasn't me at all either. Joe's such a fucking piece of shit. I mean, me having a baby.

What didn't inspire him? Rachel Feinstein did. Right. God damn it. So that makes me angry. Yeah. Well, he was also hanging out with Gary Veeder a lot during COVID and he had Gary Veeder. What's that? Uh, just some comic. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, it's a comic. I thought it was a thing. Right. I thought it was a sushi place. You guys went to. Yeah. He's just hanging at Gary Veeder. Is that not how you say it? No, I know him. I was just joking. Gotcha.

What are you on about? Well, can I just say, I get- Are you doing Rogan right now? No, but people say I mispronounce a lot of things. Who says that? I've never heard that about you. One friend who's always correcting me. Ross Maneeve.

No. Oh. No. I won't name her name because I actually, I really like her. Lisa? No, she lives in LA. I won't name her name because I actually, I really like her. Lisa? No, she lives in LA. Oh, what's her name? The blonde girl.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I used to, I did a lot of sketches with her. The blonde chick with the barrel chest. Barrel chest? I don't know who she is. Okay.

I don't know what you're talking about. I said, you said LA, I said blonde chick, you went yeah. Yeah. It describes most of the girls in LA. Yes, with the big tits. Big tits? No, just I think regular.

Regular, I love regular. Right. But you have this baby now. Oh, he's glorious, I love him. And you guys are both kind of, you have a new special out right now. I do. It's on.

It's on YouTube. Plug it right now in the middle of the show. It's on YouTube on and it's called but whole money. Why but whole money? Is that what you're going to do? Terminology, I said in the in the pandemic, in the special. Oh, in this. I thought that's what you did for money during the pandemic. I wish I feel like I wouldn't make that much money. I'm sorry, Liz. This is but whole money. If you. I wish, I feel like I wouldn't make that much money. Hey, I'm Sarah List, this is butthole money.

If you give me money, I'll show you my butthole. Again, it's just like in the park. But it's Joe helping you, that's my wife. Look at my mouth, the same size as her butthole. Mm, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Why butthole money? Well, it's mainly about, the jest of it is,

I was so flabbergasted that the bad baby cash me outside girl made $52 million on OnlyFans that I was like, that is so much money. And I do feel like she has actually has like a financial team behind her and she's been hitting all her marks on every milestone in her trajectory that I was like, I do believe she'll turn that into generational wealth. And I was just like, you know, there's oil money that I was like, there's gonna be this like

new trust fund babies that are from but whole money. And that's where it spun from. This should be a great documentary, but whole money. Right, it's not gonna be like Rothschild's or like anybody from like steel industry. No, this world has gone to shit creatively. Creatively. Because of this, because of this,

the average butthole bitch and dickhead dude can get millions of people to follow them with a video that's probably six seconds long and they just want more and more of it. I know it's so, I don't get mad at it because I just feel like if I think about it too much, because you just work so hard, like you gotta hit the mics for like 20 years and you're crafting your hours

and then there's just some girl that's like, you hock a loogie on your man's dick. And I'm like, what? Yeah, well it's coming to an end. She didn't even like search it. It's just like a man on the street. She was just kind of like discovered. Like I wanna be fucking discovered.

She stepped in shit. She stepped in it. She stepped in shit, but here's the thing. She's a pig. She's a dirty pig. Enjoy it. And now she's on everybody's show. Hey, yeah.

She's got a podcast. It's coming to an end. This happened in the 80s. If you look back to evening at the improv, comedy, half hour, Caroline's comedy, comedy was everywhere. Everybody had a joke about fucking, you know, farts and planes.

And if you look at comedy now everybody has the same jokes I was talking about this with Louie it's all this it's all and it all it saturated so much that it killed every it fell off a cliff and this will too yeah people will be like fuck comedy it sucks they'll go back to jazz or some weird shit and rock and roll or punk rock or disco or some stupid thing. And this will be done. And comedy clubs will fold and go under. Yeah, it's a boom again. And it will die.

These people will kill it. And the next generations of killers want something a little more tangible, a little more meat on it. And they'll go to something else and this will be bullshit again and then it will be just us. I like how, but this always happens like,

I feel like I've been in two booms and still haven't like experienced growth. I will be dead when the pendulum swings back around. I'm like, oh great, I'll be a martyr. I've been in a non-boom. I mean, look look it's a You never know but the the thing that you do know is that you have integrity and you have the respect of real comedians There's a very there's very few real comedians

There's a small amount of really real stand-ups a lot of them are out there Doing bullshit, right and there's wondering what people are doing on the road small amount of really real standups. A lot of them are out there doing bullshit. Right. And they're- I'm always wondering what people are doing on the road. Like I wanna see some people's hours. I don't wanna see it because- I would, cause it would make me feel better. You shouldn't just keep doing what you're doing.

You don't wanna look and see some- I gotta compare myself to others. Comparing despair? Yeah. I don't wanna look and see some. I gotta compare myself to others. Comparing to Spare? Yeah. I don't know if you listen to your husband. Yeah. It's just, it is what it is. You gotta keep it moving.

We're in a different game. It's not, you know, it's not, cause I'm in the spot right now where I can't, I gotta get back to, I gotta go back to like open mic things. I gotta go back. I do a few still. I have to go back to doing spots things. I gotta go back. I do a few still. I have to go back to doing spots

because I can't write jokes. I'm in my creativity and it's happened to me all the time. It dies and you can't just turn it on. It has to be repetition, repetition, repetition and then it will just happen. Right, it has to also, I'm the same way with you. I don't know if this makes me sound like a bad comic but I I don't really sit down and write. I'd have ideas and I jot them down and then I work them out on stage and I just remember what works. Yeah, I do the same thing. I'll write down a little thing. I'll say it to my wife is usually my muse. Yeah, something I'll do that. Yeah. Right. And then I'll go on stage and and fuck around with it and then it's like playful

Right me. I also find it more are organic There's only a few comics that I know that sit down and write or like From pen to paper and bring it to the stage that I think are gently like I like them But some of them I feel like they're too Rigid rigid. Yes, where there's not like a flow to it. Yeah, I like, I like. It's just memorization at this point. There's no psychology to it. Yeah.

It's not like there's a thing that they're trying to say. It's a joke. Yeah. And yeah, I'm fine with that, but it's not my thing. Right. I like when I hear somebody trying to figure something out. Yeah. And they take me by surprise.

When there's even there could be like a little dead air. Like I don't mind like I'm working on a joke or any new joke and then it feels kind of, kind of slow in the beginning but then I got them at the end. You're like, that's perfect. Yeah. That's all I want. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'll work out the beginning part and cut off the fat. Yeah. I like to get on stage like tonight I went on and I got, I like when I'm sitting in the pocket when I'm just going. Yeah. And I don't, I'm going in and out and say this and that, and then I'll bring the joke up inside of somewhere. And even tonight I was in the pocket,

but I was still doing, I was doing older jokes because they were just coming out. Yeah. But all of a sudden something else happens and I was like, oh, that's the new thing. That old thing got me to this new thing and there's something there. Right. But it's, when it shuts off, That's the new thing. That old thing got me to this new thing and there's something there.

But when it shuts off, you can't flip a switch. It has to come back on and I have to push it and push it. And I have to get back on stage. I gotta go back in and do like Tuesday nights. I gotta do shows after this. I gotta come in on Wednesday. I gotta come in on Sunday and do spots and bomb and have that fear of God of like,

I'm gonna bomb, this kid just killed and he just killed. Now I'm gonna fucking die. I need that to ignite whatever that thing is inside of me. Right, when it's also like, I feel like the idea of having to kill every night also like destroy, like, I do actually feel like you need to bomb a little bit to get to the jokes that you need to do. It's not fun, but like there's some nights

that I'd go up just like, all right, I'll just do my tried and true, but you're not working on anything new where it's like sometimes you have to sometimes have to throw at least one or two things to the wall and see what Works it's because that's actually more satisfied. How is it now that you have this baby? Like you have a kid at home right now. Yeah, so I don't get as many I who's with the baby right now Did you leave it alone Joe? Yeah We have a camera that hooks up to our phones. We just leave it you leave it we leave it

What do you leave like a candy necklace in case he gets hungry? What's the formula? Hopefully he sucks on it, nudge chews it, chokes on it. He gets it. Hey, here's some grapes. Well, you know, it's Darwinism at that point. It's a rival of the fittest in our apartment. So Joe's with the baby tonight.

Right, so I always, now when I go on stage, which I actually think has been working out for me nicely, is I always try to work out one or two new bits in a set. Right. Where now I feel like I'm actually creating more material faster. I can't, like I tried something tonight and it just fucking flopped.

But you know, tonight was, I gotta just start and it sucks. And I wrote, like a couple years ago, I wrote a great bit and then I wrote another bit and then like, I think I have three bits this year. And it's like, cause my bits are like these stories and this happened and I feel like the happier I get, the less funny I get. Are you serious?

Yeah. Oh, cause I feel like, um, cause there used to be that notion and you have to be like a struggling artist in order to create what I feel like I do the best when I feel the happiest. Meaning like when you're hanging out with your funny friends, do you ever have a certain group of friends that make you feel funny? Yeah. Yeah, I like hanging out with those people

and they help with the writing. But I hang out with my family. I know. My family's not in the business. You know what I mean? Right, because you're not gonna go down weird avenues through conversation. It's just gonna be like,

did you get the lemons that I asked you to get? Yeah. And you're like. What do you think about this dish? I wanna get this dishwasher. I mean, what do you want for dinner? What do you think about this dish? Do I want to get this dishwasher? I mean, what do you want for dinner? What do you want for lunch? What do you want for breakfast?

Yeah. I have right. She's not. I have my son's like, dad, we will check this video out. Look at this. Let's do that. I don't have that. I have this weird Clark Kent life that I go back to that I love.

Yeah. And it took me my whole life to get to create a life. Yeah. And I created it and I love it so much, but I'm not that fucking, somebody said the other day, dude, I missed asshole Bobby. Cause I'm, I'm trying, I'm not, hey, go fuck you. Fucking ass.

Yeah. It comes out with Danny sometimes cause he's autistic and he's a fucking idiot. Oh, it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. It comes out with Danny sometimes because he's autistic and he's a fucking idiot. Oh, it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And, but the most part I'm enjoying life and it scares the fuck out of me. Yeah.

Well, it's like, especially when you're dealing with family, you're really just running a business. Like, don't you feel like when you're shopping, you're like, I'm really just, I'm doing inventory for my kitchen today. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm constantly just like, how much toilet paper do we have? I need, oh shopping, you're like, I'm really just, I'm doing inventory for my kitchen today. And yeah, like I'm constantly just like, how much toilet paper do we have? I need, oh shit, we're down to two. Like, I just feel like an office manager.

As soon as I get home, as soon as I get home, I'm like, what are we, what is, what is on the agenda for tomorrow? Are we gonna have the meeting at, the board meeting after he goes to school? Yeah, what's your schedule like? And you're like? Yeah. It's fucking crazy.

How are you liking that? Are you loving it? There's times where I don't mind it because I do find some humor in the mundane. Have you had any? Meaning like when you, all of a sudden you're like, why am I caring about this? This isn't my bit, but Joe Zimmerman made me laugh recently.

He brought a new window unit AC and that nowadays you know, nowadays every appliance makes you get an app. And he's like, I'm not hooking up wifi for my window unit. And that's the kind of stuff that I like the world. When you live in like what's kind of like bothering you or like, this is so stupid, but this is what I'm doing right now.

Like when my whole ordeal, like this is what I'm doing right now. Like when my whole ordeal, like this is what I feel like my whole life is, ordering something on Amazon that I thought was gonna be a right fit and then realizing it doesn't fit. So then I have to adjust everything else in my apartment to adjust to fit the new thing. Like I bought a new playpen,

but it's so high up I can't see the TV that I'm like, great, now I have to buy risers for all my furniture. Like it's so high up I can't see the TV that I'm like, great, now I have to buy risers for all my furniture. Like it's just never ending in the trial and era of living a family life. Yeah, when you're single you don't give a shit about stuff like that.

I remember just being on a couch on 97th Street being hot and just waiting for the cellar to open so I could have food and do comedy and maybe get laid. Right, now you're like, now I'm running errands and returning stuff and measuring my window unit or my windows to make sure the curtain rods are the right curtain rods.

Me and my wife were measuring fridge of fridge, trying to figure out, and it's on the other side of the room I'm like the only way we're gonna see if it fits into the space is if we put it in the space And we're sitting there going we're measuring it three and seven twenty forty seven plus if you open that plus that space What is forty seven plus four? What the fuck are we doing? I wanna just guess and hope for the best. Like I can't, like one time I was buying a bowl and then it gave you the option to see what the bowl

looks like in your apartment if you uploaded a photo of your living room and I was like, okay, I'm not doing that but how funny to just go through this whole rigmarole to see what a bowl looks like in my living room. I did that, I did that last night. One in the morning. I fucking, I got a bar stool chair and I put it in the living room.

And I was like, don't wake up. She's like, what? I'm like, does this chair look good? She's like, what? I'm like, stand up. You can walk around it. You can literally be walking around this stupid fake chair that was in the room. And she's like, I don't give a fuck about the chair.

I'm like, listen. I'm working. I don't know. It's so fucking whack that. It is. But I guess that's. That's where I find humor in that kind of stuff. That's where you gotta do it.

And I'm used to finding humor in doing my dick. Right. And my fart and my asshole or whatever. Now that that's so not part of my life, I guess I have to go in this other direction, which is, I guess, interesting. It feels boring, but I feel like most people relate to it. But I love finding the stuff that's like,

nobody thinks about. Right. But then you, yeah. It's hard. Then you go on TikTok and then you're like, oh, I have no original thoughts. I don't go, I don't. Don't ever. Listen. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. Then you go and tick tock and then you're like, Oh, I have no original thoughts. I don't go. I don't ever listen, man. Never think you have a new bit. And then you go on tick tock. Cause that algorithm knows you so well. And the first video you see is somebody doing your bit in Nebraska in a living room. You're

like, are you kidding me? Some, some 50 year old redneck doing your bit. And you're like, oh, it's got 4 million views. Right, and I was like, I thought I was like, oh, I have a new take. Yeah, and that's a character they do. It's not even a real redneck. She has a Lexus and a fucking Ferrari. Yeah, you know what? And it doesn't even bother.

It doesn't even matter. I mean, you were talking about like every comic has the same bit. Like you can watch some of the top dogs Yeah, the stadium kind of people and they all have very similar takes Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's hard to have a hot take. It's hard to have the joke I was talking about Louie about that too. He told me one of his jokes and I was like, wow, that was right there Right. He was it was right in front of all of us and you picked it up

Yeah, and I picked it up. And I was like, yeah, it was like a $20 bill that everybody was just walking by. I was like, fuck, that was a, that joke, I love that joke. Yeah, those are good. You're like, nobody's picked this up yet? Yeah, like Gullman's abbreviated states thing.

Yes. It's like, fuck. I mean, of course, I'm dumb. I would never figure that out. I would get to the C's and be like, yeah, I'm done. I'm tired. He's one of the few comics that I feel like does sit down and write that I'm like,

actually, I really like his stuff. Yeah, he's a really good writer. But your husband and you, I mean, the one thing about you two that I love is your acting in like 4th of July. I thought it was, because I was torn with Louis was editing it. So I watched your scenes a lot and I saw a lot of different takes of edits on the scenes. And the one scene when I'm in the house and you come in and then you have this weird convo with him and you conveyed such a sad, I don't know, this weird, this sad energy about having

a kid and this is before you had a kid. Yeah. I mean, I had to think that that came from wanting a baby and not having a baby. Some way, because it was so subtle and you and original and no one else could have delivered that line like that. And there was something, it felt like there was something behind it.

Well, I felt like, I think that one, it always doesn't feel always pretentious. Do you ever watch like varieties, top actors talk about their scenes? No, I'm not gay. No, I have better shit to do. I have a son. Well, I'm terminally online.

All right, listen, I have a fridge to fucking measure. I don't know what the fuck. A stool at midnight. Yeah. Make believe, walk around. No, I just, I felt like in that scene when I watched Joe. I'm gay. I felt like he was legitimately, you are gay.

That's what I thought. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you. That would be really good for your career. I suck it up. I was thinking, I was like, I wish. I want a bottle of money. But you know how people are like,

I bet she sucked dick to get to that position. You're like, can you at least tell me what this dick is? Cause I'd like to suck it. Yeah, it's not the one she's drawing. How you doing by the way? You good? Awesome, great. But you was saying something about that scene.

Right. Oh, I was just saying, I felt like when I looked in his eyes in that moment, I felt like he was legitimately hurt and to see your loved one emotionally in pain. So it made me cry. It was great. Or like sad.

Right. Yeah. It was, it was great that, I mean, I really, you have such a, you're you, which I love. I love when people are them. In days. In them days, whatever. But you bring your quirkiness to your acting, which is great.

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Um, IVF, IVF, IVF. Is it IBF? I, it's, um, irritable bowel syndrome. IBS. I shit the kid out into your asshole and then you had a baby and then he came in it and it mixed in your stomach and then the baby was born. People want't know that. That's what IVF is. Is it IVF? It's IVF. IVF. IVF. So it's irritable vagina syndrome. Right.

Okay. Yeah, your vagina gets so irritated that it shoots out a kid. We should do the artist's rendition at the end, right? Yeah, I think that goes at the end and we could do the game. We have a game show. Okay.

Now, Dani, will you present,, because you did the IVS, right? IVF. IVF. Right. Which, explain to me what that is. Because I'm going to say this. Me and Don, we're having, we were like, OK,

let's have a baby. Also, I guess before. Don't cut me off. Sorry. Shut the fuck up. Don't ever scare us like that again don't ever shut up and let me finish my thought before your awful scary voice screams into the microphone into our ears my heart is pumping out of my chest also I don't think what do you want to say I think because this is gonna be the

last thing before that let's just see if does Abby have any questions that she needs to know to finish it off before, before we go into the last thing before this. I think I'm good. You're good? Okay. Okay. Can I just say you're very, I wish Danny would just talk like you. I think I'm good. Very self-centered.

Danny's like- Also because, um, here's the thing. Well, we, we tried to have the baby. Um, it was so hard. Right. It was, you know, like I was 42. She was, she was 38, 39. Yeah. 38, 39. We started when she was 38 and I was 40 and it took two years and it got, it got to the point where we were like, we're just not going to do it because I went and had to get my sperm check. She had to get her stuff checked. I mean, it got crazy. She was taking like fucking cough syrup. She was, you know, anything she could take. We were having

sex. I was holding her legs over her head, like acupuncture, every single thing. And then we finally got pregnant. She did. I hate when people say we, she, even though I could get pregnant. And we had a miscarriage, which sucked. Yeah, because then it takes so long to get to that. And yeah, and then we told, we didn't, you know. It's like trying to get a pilot sold. It's so much work, it's not even worth it. Yeah, and then you shoot it and then they don't pick it up.

And then you gotta throw it in the trash can. There's a even worth it. Yeah, and then you shoot it and then they don't pick it up. And then you gotta throw it in the trash can. There's a name and everything. There's meetings with other people. They give you notes and tell you what you need to do. My show Gemma's in the toilet. But then we stuck with it and we finally, she got pregnant again. It was really scary and hard.

And then we finally had, and now my kid's 11 and he's- I know, and that crazy. He threw a backpack on today and walked out the door to the bus stop and gave me the finger and laughed. And I'm sorry. He's out. Yeah, and then he ran like the girl from Taken. Cause I never taught him how to run.

Fucking loser. And I still haven't seen him. He hasn't been back. Actually, the Turks did take him. And now he's getting butthole money in Uzbekistan. Yeah. It should be give me back my money. Yeah, it's a hard thing, man.

Making a baby is not an easy thing. Yeah, we were kind of naive, but I did know, because Joe was like, I think I'd like to have a kid, and I was like, well, I'm 42. Right. That's really late. But then you see online all these, some people I feel like kind of lie about their stories.

What do you mean? Meaning like, I remember listening to, or seeing Janet Jackson has a baby at 53, not once were they like, she went through IVF or maybe froze her eggs or all that stuff. And so in my mind, I'm like, and you have friends that are like 43, then you hear these outlier stories even later

having babies at 44 or 45, and you're like, okay, it's doable. But yeah, it was still like a two, I think it was like a two year process. Yeah, it's really hard to do. And first of all, all those famous people suck. They fucking blow their whole, I mean, you know what makes me sick?

Is that the, oh yeah, being a parent. Oh really, nanny, night nurse? Yeah. If you have a night nurse, you're not a parent. If you have a night nurse, you're not a parent. If you have a night nurse, you're not a parent. You're a parent when you're alone. You and him or him and her and that thing goes, and one of you has to go get it. That's parenting. I don't want to hear about your fucking 24 hour staff.

Where you're just like, there's just like, did you want to feed the baby? And you're like, um, I'll just take a few more hours. I get it. Okay. I get it. Come with me. I just felt like it was, I can maybe in a house, but like having like a random stranger in your apartment, like two feet over. Don't get me wrong. If I could afford it, I would have got one. I know, because it does sound so pleasing. If I could be a rich douchebag, I would definitely do it.

Do you ever wonder if they're like, I'll just get a nanny, I'm not gonna be one of those parents that's not that much in their life. And then slowly, like over time, they're like, but I'm gonna just do this really fast. Oh, let me just get this done. And then they're like, you know what? I'll just see him on the weekends. Yeah, no, no. That's why I would do that. That's why their kids are wearing dresses. They're being brought up by gay nannies in LA. Why is my kid transgendering at four?

I don't know. Fucking Claudia has been fucking dressing him up like Madonna for the last five years. You fucking assholes. I'm so glad my kid's a man, shoots guns, loves America, gets hard on. Yeah. You had a hard on. Watches porn. No, just kidding. No, he did. I caught him. I had to take, I had to take, well, some fucking dirt, his dirt bag friend. Of course. There's always. You got to be on top of their phone. There's always one. I always had, there's a neighborhood kid. I remember being like probably eight years old,

just on his front porch going through his playboys. What were his favorites? And now I didn't think anything of it, but now when I'm older, I'm like, I love that he was just open about his porn selection. I didn't sex shame Max at all about it. I told him that sex is a good thing and it's fine, but not right now.

You're not ready for it. You will be later in life and we'll talk about it. And you know- You're kinda like, I kinda, I get it. You wanna see boobies. I said, you can have YouTube. Cause YouTube does no porn. Here's the Victoria's Secret catalog.

I took it all off. I took all his stuff off. And I check his phone frequently. And I went to YouTube and he had twerk videos. So he's watching chicks shake their ass. I'm like, that's good. I'm good with that. If that's what you need right now,

I'm fine with little butt shake. And he watches girls on motorcycles on the back with their big butts. I'm like, all right, fine. It's like, you know, when you are trying to avoid sugar, but all of a sudden you're really into eating a shit ton of carrots, because there's like only one gram of sugar in there.

Like that's what your son is doing with porn. He's just trying to squeeze it out with motorcycle videos. All right, well we get it, because it costs a lot of money to do what you did. That's like $20,000. We were on the less expensive side, because if we had used my eggs,

it would have been way more, because there's a lot of trial and error. And also at my age, the probability was like, something like 1%. Wow. For $60,000, or if I could do an egg donor then it was something like $20,000 and it would just be like a surefire way of not like not partly anything wrong with the child and then it would still have it would have Joe's DNA and I was fine with

not having my DNA. Right. Yeah, but it's it was in you. Right. Which is and I'll have his DNA in me, but it was in you. Right. Which is, what? And I'll have his DNA in me, but he won't have mine. Joe's DNA? Yeah, well, that's a natural,

but my child's DNA will be in me. It's in you? Yeah. Okay, that's crazy. I just read that and I thought it was fascinating. That is amazing. Because his blood's being pumped through my blood too. So you have your child's DNA in you.

Do you know who the egg came from? Do you know any history about the egg? Yeah, you get a whole, yeah. They give you a whole bunch of background information. So do you get to choose the eggs? Yes, you do. Oh, so did you choose like a magician? No, I chose like a girl that I felt like

was probably the closest to me background wise. Okay, so you chose a white racist from Boston. Yeah, well, I was just joking about that recently. Like, I chose white, which feels racist to keep this lineage going. But then you're like, it's even weirder to have a white couple choose a non white. First of all, Joe's lineage is going to be in it too, is to have a Puerto Rican black small mouth baby. Oh my God. To see Joe in another race would be so adorable.

Motherfucker, what'd you say, bitch? Don't fuck with me. Yo, motherfucker. No, I hate that. Look, it's a culture thing. It's not a racist thing. Yeah, yeah. It's culture. Well, that's the joke racist thing. Yeah, yeah. It's culture.

You just, yeah, fucking whatever. You had a white baby. I had a white, yeah. He's a beautiful white baby. He's a beautiful white baby. I tell people they cost more. Do they? They don't.

Not anymore. No, yeah. Y'all stock is going down. Yeah, 10 years ago, a white baby was huge. A lot. Now a redheaded black Puerto Rican baby is like. I spice. Triple, right?

You get an Asian retarded baby, holy shit. Oh my God. Yeah. He's made it every scholarship. I wonder if that is true, if white people's, those rich white guilty women are just like, I want a black baby. I will.

Isn't that racist? I don't know. Well, it kind of is. I mean, it always seems like, that's racist. Like Mike Racine has a joke that I always thought was funny. Like when you adopt and you're a white woman,

like it has, you should, not you should, but to adopt another race so people will know that you're a hero. Right. Cause if you have adopted a white kid, they'll just assume that that's yours biologically. Right. But if you have adopt a white kid, they'll just assume that that's yours biologically. Right. But if you adopt another race, they're like, oh,

what a good person you are. If you adopt the blackest baby you could get, and it's just you holding it to where it's like people are like in shock. Like you look like you kidnapped this baby. Like TJ. Yeah, people call you a nanny. Yeah.

No, it's mine. No, it's mine. Yeah. What? Reverse nanny. Yeah. That's microphone black. All right, listen.

We got a game. Danny, tell the game. Would you like to play this with us? Hopefully you will. Danny, what's the game? And do it in your game show voice, please. Hi, this is my game show. Please just do show voice.

Please just do your voice. So we asked Joe, I guess I asked Joe how much you paid for the IVF, and he said it was $40,000. Yeah, that sounds about right. So we- All together. Got it. What did you get, perks?

I wanted to have a big penis. I got my own duffel bag, they threw that in. Oh, you got the duffel bag package. Did you get the milk warmer and the, I don't want my tits to be with milk. So give me a. I got fits with it. I have breast implants.

I wish. So hang on one second. Just go ahead. Okay. So the game is what could you have bought instead of a baby? Okay. So I am going to list off certain things and, uh, your, it's your job to guess if it's under, uh, 40,000, which is what the baby costs were over.

And I guess both you and Bob, you're going to guess kind of like the price is right, but with a baby, way more money. Yes. Okay. Um, way more money. Right. Yeah. This is like an RV and a trip to Hawaii

With a couch and a motorcycle and a Hyundai This showcase Okay, number one. Yeah You could have gone to space on SpaceX for seven days Would that have been going to space on SpaceX for seven days was that more or less? and 40,000 else SpaceX is more might say more. I think it's in the million. Hang on. Let's settle down. Don't ruin the game This is stupid

Danny picked outrageous shit Would you you could suck the King's dick? Would you, you could suck the king's dick. Is that- That game I can play. All right, go ahead. Go ahead, I say, we both say more, Danny, because it's space. Okay.

You fucking autistic asshole. You could go to space for $40,000 in the jankiest space shuttle. I mean, 1969 you're going in. But he picked space. He couldn't have picked Super Bowl tickets, which would be interesting and maybe we could get it wrong. Would you, would you rather have your own time

machine? How much would that cost? What Danny, what do you got? Well, so you're funny that you say this this way because when I first thought about it, I was like, oh, and then I Googled it and it said for 30 days or 30 days was 64 million. And I was like, that's so much more than I thought. So I changed it to seven days to make it. But you're right. Seven days is $245,000. That's not bad. That's not bad.

That's beautiful. That's not bad, Danny. Just a few more Patreon episodes, you can get there. Or seven more babies. Yeah, seven more babies. Go ahead. That's all? I wanna go to space now.

We're gonna start a Patreon. Kick it up. If we get 500 more Patreon. If we get 500 more Patreons. Bobby will go to space. That pay $30,000 each for this month. Me and the baby, we're taking the kid. We're going to space.

All right, let's go. Okay. A 60 acre private island on Nova Scotia More expensive Wait, Nova Scotia is more expensive. No, it's go. So I thought you said Nantucket I think you can get a $40,000 island. I think having a baby having having The IVF is more expensive. What do you say? I was gonna say, I think you, the island might be less. All right, that's what I said.

But I said it the other way. Oh, okay, sorry. I'm really bad and less than, greater than. You're good, you just went, I don't know. What happened? We're both saying. Yep, you're both right. You can get a private, instead of having a kid,

you could have had a private island for $37,000. 3000 extra. No, yeah. I mean, you could have had an island in Nova Scotia. A fucking island. Like Jeffrey Epstein. Think about it. Right, but it's so cold up there to molest those kids.

Yeah, it's cold. It's harder to get them up there except at Christmas. Ha ha ha. Jeffrey, it's cold here. You'd have to- Jeffrey, it's cold here. You'd have to molest in season. Right, in the summer. Summer, molesting, winter, preparing for the- Grooming.

You're going down to Florida for grooming. You're a groom bird. All right, guys, what else you got, Danny? Okay, that's so disgusting. you got, Danny? Okay. That's so disgusting. Hey guys, we're back. Happy Halloween. You're cute.

Do you want to check out this van? I have an island. You know what the Titanic sank? Alright, good. I have an island. You know what the Titanic sank? 10,150 cans of Pringles. Wow, that's a good one. Sour cream and onion. Well, you're fucking, now you're mixing it up. You're throwing in a curveball, you little autistic son

of a bitch from Jersey. I think the Pringles, that many cans of Pringles, is more than IVF. How much? 10,150 cans of Pringles. It depends where you're getting them in the city. Target. A story? OK.

Yeah. I say IVF is more expensive. OK. Yeah. So Bobby says IVF is more expensive. Because I was thinking $4 a can. Oh, shit. I don't buy Pringles.

My wife does, because I'm a man4 a can. Oh shit, I don't buy Pringles my wife does because I'm a man, I don't drive. Right, right. The Pringles cans are $3.79 a can, which brings us to $38,468. So you could, it's cheaper than the baby. So I won. You won. I won that one.

So it's one to nothing, correct? Yes. One to nothing. And we only have, we have one more and this is it. This one's exciting. We could tie. Right. If we tie.

Is there a tie breaker? Yeah, we'll have a tie breaker. Joe, can you get a tie breaker ready? Shut up, don't say it on the air. Just talk. I mean, you're such a shitty producer. Joe, can you figure, I can't, I did this. I didn't have a backup plan.

My autism took me to this. Go ahead. Okay, this is one of the most interesting because you were actually talking about this with the races of babies and what's more expensive. So we actually looked what it cost to adopt two babies from Asia. So you could get two babies from Asia

for more or less than your baby. You say Asia though. Two. What Asia though? Are we talking Taiwan? Japan. We talking Laos? South or North Korea?

We talking Japan? You gotta give us- You say China. You say Japan, that's a different ball game. Everything but Japan. Everything but Japan. All right, now we're bringing that way down. I'm gonna say it's more than IVF.

No, it's way less. Wow. For two babies. They have a lot. Is it girl babies? Yeah, is it girl babies? Because they're throwing them out. They were fucking rolling over with tanks around ten years ago. And you save money in the long run. We need army! Yeah, surplus. We need a billion soldiers! You save money in the long run because you just have to buy them rice. Right. Can you not add to our stories? And they make iPhones. So then you're making, it's a good investment. Okay, so you're saying it's more for two babies say no, it's not more. Having IBF is $40,000 and you can get two Chinese babies for $1850. I mean, listen, the iPhone is fucking nine bucks.

Right. But then they do make it bigger, they make it, they actually, they ride it up, so. I say it's less. Okay, two babies from Asia is $34,000. Wow. I win. I'm a bad person.

No, you're a good mother. You're a good mother. I could have adopted two Asian girls. You could have an island and two Asian girls if you did your own eggs. Instead I got a white man. You got a white man and a white woman's egg. Anyways, you got a new special. It's out. It's called Butthole Money, it's on YouTube.

Share it, you can share YouTube videos. It is, she's. You can text them to your friends. I had somebody watch it, Danny was it you? I loved it, it was great. Danny watched it and I'm gonna watch it this weekend because I'm home. I usually watch friends of mine specials.

I do too, I actually enjoy watching specials. Or when I'm driving. Right. And I'm gonna watch it this weekend, but Danny actually was like, it's great, it's awesome. Thank you Danny. He was like, I didn't think it was gonna be good because I've seen Sarah.

It's a woman. Yeah, he actually said women are funny. And he goes, you know, most of them, but Sarah, no. Thank you. He said it was great. He said it was really awesome. Danny, you tell her. Big fan, loved the special. Thank you Danny. It was awesome Sarah no, thank you. He said it was great. He said it was really awesome Danny you tell her big fan love special is awesome really really funny and listen go share it go Like it subscribe and get that it makes me sick when people are funny and the algorithm or whatever the fuck it is

Just it's you so it's hurtful because it makes me feel ugly. You're not you're beautiful Thank you, and I feel like the algorithm rewards attractive people. Yeah. That's not true. That's not true. Okay, maybe an, maybe an ugly comic. No, I don't know. I wouldn't want you to.

You're just rattling them off. I don't know. There's just, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. And you could do one thing. You know, somebody could watch this special and something could happen. Right, like Angela Johnson.

Yeah. Or Asian salon bit. Yep, and then they sell tickets and then they're gone. And then everybody in the industry thinks they're amazing. Right. And they want, that's what they want you to be more like. That's why I always joke that I'm afraid to quit because I feel like as soon as I quit,

then Hollywood's like really into aging middle-aged woman. We can't quit. We're really into them right now. There's an untapped resource for comedic. It's funny because we're like trying to, like we have to be, oh Kamala just said something. Oh yeah. Yeah, the whole, right now the presidential debate's on

and we just heard a bunch of women downstairs go, woo, that's not for Trump. She just roasted him. She just said something, your hair is orange motherfucker. Cheeto. Cheeto. But we're, it's great, cheeto. Cheeto. But it's great. If I look back at where you were, where Joe was, where I was, the fact that we have families,

we decided to make a life. You're married. We're moving to the Manhattan. It's incredible. Yeah. It's amazing. No, it's been a blessing. There's no reason to,

what, because you're not doing the garden and? Can I just say I've never wanted to do the garden because even at the stand there'd be pockets and I'm like, you can't get those people to shut up. Like I can't connect with such a broad or huge place. Right. And I can't do t-shirt guns. You can.

No, I can't see myself doing a t-shirt gun. You could do it. Do you think so? I do want to come out with flames behind me. Oh, you want flames? Yeah. You want a kiss? And then just give him this energy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you asked for it. The best comic in the world, Sarah Tullibash. Yeah, just. Butthole money. And then I'm like, hi. You have two buttholes and just shooting up. Right. Yeah. I'd like that and then just coming out like this.

I'll come out, do you teach me how to, boom. It'll be a butthole just shooting shit out of it. Is there something you could throw out into the garden that's not t-shirts? Mm-hmm. Danny just asked me. I don't know, maybe like my underwear. Danny, don't get my dirty laundry. Did he just ask the question on my podcast that he thought I should ask? Yeah. Is there stupid?

He's like working on buying it for me right now. Danny, you want to do the show? You're more than welcome. Well, someone's getting an Amazon package tomorrow. All right, well, listen, you got the special out. I love you. Thank you for coming on. I'm gonna let you get home to your baby. Yes. And make sure you check out everything she does.

What's your website? At Sarah T Comedy. I wanted Sarah Talmage, but the domain was like $500. You spent 40 on a baby. I know, well, you know. No one's really going to a website. I just need a front page that says dates. If you got the island,

you would have had the leftover money for the website. Yeah, I would have. Yeah. Can you imagine that? You bought an island. I would love that. We should buy an island. I would.

Just me and you and Natal are- Our secret island. Yeah, but we just go to and watch TV. Yeah. And molest kids. We groom. We don't molest, we just groom for other people. I like the grooming. It's the journey, not the destination for me.

All right, well listen, we have to close this out. Hi. Hi. We started this show with an artist, Abby. We start, what's your website? Where can people see your art? AbbeyRosco.com. I've seen her art. It's amazing. She's really spectacular. She came in all the way tonight to do this. Nice. And you described the penis. You gave us much information as you can. And she, like a sketch artist drew this penis. You gave us much information as you can. And she, like a sketch artist, drew this penis. Now we're going to reveal this penis right now to see if this is the penis that

attacked your vagina and jizzed in you and made it a life. Is this Joe's penis? Yeah. I think it's a good job. Oh my God. Yeah. That, are you fucking her husband? It's uncanny. How funny it would be if she was like, I'm cheating on a bitch and I have his baby.

And he has a picture, a photo of Joe's cock. That is, I mean. It's amazing. It's crazy. I'm not gonna, I'm not, Danny. Yeah. I've seen Joe's dick. It's like that, right? That's Joe's amazing. It's crazy. I'm not gonna, Danny, yeah. I've seen Joe's dick. It's like that, right?

That's Joe's dick. Yeah. That's Joe's dick. This is good. Good job, Ab. I mean, really, you are amazing. That's the dick. You should work for the police.

Will you come back on and do this with Joe Rogan if he ever comes on the show? Joe? Rogan? She needs a huge pad of paper. Right. That's great. Hey, and know what, Danny?

We should give this to a fan. What do you say? Yeah. Yeah. Give it to someone on Patreon, someone who's watching this. DM Bobby on Instagram. First person to DM me right now signed by the artist is that okay? Can we give this away? And will you sign it too? Yeah. Okay. And Bobby you'll sign it?

I'll sign it. Danny can you let me finish a thought before you have fucking anxious autism? Alright he's gonna do it too? Yes I'll do it. We'll all sign it. First person on Instagram right now to DM me from Patreon. We'll get this signed. Danny will send this out to you. Sarah, you're the best. I love you. And thanks for coming on and leaving your babies.

You're both your babies. It's been nice. It's been great. You have fun? I like a little break. You like a little break? It is. It's nice to come out and be you.

We got dates right here for me. Danny, I'm going to be all over the place. Where am I going to be, Danny? You're going to be. I can't read. Is that her? Is that you a punch up? No, I'm I'm getting I don't have dates right now

because I have to be a mom. Yeah, it's OK. You know, you switch on and off. You got a special out. Let them enjoy that. Get some material. Yes, get some material. Enjoy your life.

Enjoy your baby. And that's fine, Joe will go out and then you'll be going out and you go back and forth. What do you got? September 20th and 21st, you're gonna be in Cleveland, Ohio. Hey baby. Then you're gonna be in Las Vegas for Skankfest.

Skankfest. Co-host New York on October 5th. San Diego at Mic Drop October 11th and 12th. Minneapolis, Acme October 16th through 19th. Bingo. Then Point Pleasant, New Jersey for Uncle Vinny's, then Vanilla, New Jersey, then the Beacon, New York, then the Dojo Comedy, Morris Plains, New Jersey,

Wichita, Kansas, and a lot more. Check it out at punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. Nice, good job, Danny. You shaking back there? slash Robert Kelly. Nice. Good job, Danny. You shaking back there? I'm shaking. Nice. Make sure you check out my website, my specials up there. My specials on Apple.

It's on Amazon. It's everywhere. And make sure you check out Sarah and check out Abby's artwork. And what do you got, Danny? See me at the Dojo of Comedy. Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff. Joe? You guys like cheese?

Yep. Guess what? Love it. I got a show about cheese on YouTube and it was with my wife and we have a comic, we asked them how cheesy they are. Have you seen it? And we eat a cheese. Have you ever seen cheese, Joe?

You have to go, yeah, go check out Joe's. I do love cheese. You should have Sarah on. I will do it. Absolutely. There you go. You gotta go on, it's very funny. Okay.

It's about cheese, it's ridiculous. I love it. And then you get to eat cheese. That's the best. And then they talk about the cheese. Okay. What's your Instagram? At Stalimash. At Stalimash, sounds Russian.

At Abbey Roscoe. That sounds Jewish. You guys fought it from me. Mine is Robert Kelly Alive. That sounds Irish. Anyways, you guys are the best and I hope you guys enjoy the show. Please follow these people and follow us. Go to our shows live because that's what we do. We do all this to promote that and to give you a

little entertainment on the side. So make sure you do that when you see us live and say you you came from the USAR at the YKWBD if you're not a fan of hers yet. And that's about it. Watch 4th of July, which is available everywhere. And we'll see you guys next time on You Know What, Dude? You're the best fans in the world. Bye.