Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #553 | Eleanor Kerrigan & Keith Robinson | Dingbat

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

This week Eleanor Kerrigan & Keith Robinson come on the podcast to find out which is the better city: Philly or Boston, talk about Eleanors past relationships, and dating/working with Andrew Dice Clay. FOLLOW Eleanor Kerrigan IG: @Ejkerrigan FOLLOW Robert Kelly IG: @RobertKellyLive FOLLOW Keith Robinson IG: @KeithRobinson438 Use promo code DUDE to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/DUDE Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT / robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! / robertkelly / ykwdpodcast / ykwdudepodcast / ykwdpodcastw.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb? This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, help! You're ruining this! Where's the barbana, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does! Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly. We're back with another episode of You Know What Dude above the world famous comedy cellar at the Comedy Cellar Studios and I am here tonight. We got D-Boy Danny, we got the Tizzy 2, we got Joe Russell. Joe Russell just ran and did an errand which is weird.

I felt like a boss. I was like, you know, this is personal. I don't want to call HR, which is me. I felt like a boss. Cause I was like, you know, this is personal. I don't want to call HR, which is me. I just want to go fuck or something. Your HR? I love it. Of course we have- What's my name again? Eleanor.

Thank you. Kerrigan. Thank you. Why, why I didn't say your name yet. Why would you say what your name again? I don't know. Oh. I get excited.

Are you tired? Am I? Do I just look it? Why are you repeating everything I ask you? What's my name? Are you, you have fucking- I just like being a dick sometimes. I know. Is that bad?

No, because you're from Philly, you're East Coast. Yeah, and I think I'm a little angry today. I'm not tired, I'm angry. You're angry? Yeah. I love, can I say something? I love when you're angry. Really?

One of the things that made me like you is that you would snap on dice and I knew that you, I knew it was a thing, but it's coming from the heart. Yeah. Like people, oh, it's fake. It's fake, but not fake. It's not, listen, a lot of times with him,

it's so real, it's uncomfortable. Yeah, you're letting out stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he does it to me too. Yeah. Like we flip out. We flip out.

We both, he doesn't have the angers as bad as I do, but he- Because he's rich. He's successful. He's dice. He owns a home. Yeah. You can say that about Louis.

You live outside. Yeah, you can say that about Louis. You live outside. Yeah. You can say that about Louis. Why? He's not, no, he's not. I am. Oh my God. We have fears. Interesting.

We have, we have fears. I have huge fears. Stress, anger, all this shit. Do you have the anger too bad? I don't, I'm bad. I got it bad. Can I? You're Boston.

I'm Boston. It's, it's just the way we were brought up. That's what I mean. The way you're brought, yeah. Scream that. Robert, Boston. Honest. I'm, well, it's just the way we were brought up. That's what I mean. The way you're brought- We yelled that. Yeah, screamed that. Robert, come on.

Bunched. Stupid, get over here. What are you fucking being dumb for? What? I mean- You're the dumbest kid I know. Are you, is it, are you saying that now? No, that's what they would say to me.

I feel like you're my mom. This just hurt my feelings. I'm not the dumbest. You did have like a reaction. You know, Voss and kids. Thank you. First of all, it wasn't a true statement. You know a lot of dumb people.

I definitely know a lot of dumb people, but I'm saying like that's what my mom would say sometimes. You have the dumbest kid. Yeah, and it's- I'm like out of all 10? Like I'm the dumbest? Damn. I used to be called stupid, fat.

And I wanna do, occasionally I slip out where I'm like, you don't even know that shit. But you don't wanna do that to your kid either. Where you're like. Do you yell at your kid? I do. Okay, you have to? I mean, I think it's part of life, no?

I feel bad. Immediately. No, when he goes, you hurt me, and he cries, no. Oh, shit. I'm scared. No. I don't want to add to it. My kid now will be like, dude, that hurt.

He'll be like, dad, when you do that, it hurts my feelings. He goes, it doesn't make me feel good. When I, like, the other day, he was like, dude, you're getting too mad over this. It's not that. You're getting your. It's not that big a deal. He goes, and you're flipping out. And I went, and I'm, dude, you're getting too mad over this. It's not that. You're getting your- It's not that big a deal. He goes, and you're flipping out.

And I went, and I'm immediately like, you're right. Cause my- Okay, so that's good. My mother and my fucking evil stepdad, not the third one, not the original, the middle. That's amazing. Always the middle. They're the worst.

Middle child, middle stepdad, all of it. Middle stepmom. The fact that there has to be a third meant that the second sucked. What were you in the? We didn't have any. Not you, what are you in the? Oh, oh.

You the middle? I'm not, I'm number eight, I'm at the bottom. Wow, yeah, you're the one where they didn't like the other ones. Yeah, my brother Johnny is more like the middle, and Johnny and Charlie, I guess, they would be considered the middle. Yeah. Yeah, because Johnny's five, Charlie six, whatever, is 10. That's tough. Those two are the middle. But Johnny was mean. Yeah.

He used to call me a fat truck driver. I don't know why he said that. He called me a fat truck driver. I don't know why he said that. He was like, you walk around like a fat truck driver. And I was like, why? And he's like, you shouldn't curse, girls shouldn't curse. And as I'm like chain smoking Marlboro Reds, I'm going, go fuck yourself. I was like 11, I think.

You were in a fucking trucker hat. Why the fuck are you calling me that, Smokey? Over? Over. Roger that? What? What? What? Man.

Yeah, he did. Johnny was mean. He was like a verbal assassin. I mean, look, I had five uncles. You know, they just didn't treat. They're brutal. They didn't treat kids. They treated me like a volleyball.

Right. I literally was a toy. I remember being, we had a pool one year. We got a pool in my grandmother's backyard. Wow, like a real. Like a ball ground, yeah. Above. Oh, it's trash. Yeah, yeah. 13 of us lived in this house. Right. And we got a pool one year. We got a pool in my grandmother's backyard. 13. Wow, like a real above ground. Like a above ground, yeah. Oh, it's trash.

Yeah, yeah. 13 of us lived in this house. And they got a pool one year. Perfect. And they used me as a toy. Yeah. I mean, they would almost drown me. Yeah, 100%.

And they were laughing their asses off as I was crying. And they're like, come on, you're all right. My mother would be like, what are you doing to him? She didn't care. Don't be a little pussy. And then they'd do that washing machine thing. And then as you come up, you're all right. My mother goes, what are you doing to him? She didn't care. Don't be a little pussy. And then they do that washing machine thing. And then as you come up, you're like, I get a breath and then another brother

would spit water right in my face. And I'd be like. Our generation should have had a war. I have fins now because of them. Our generation should have had a war. We would have killed anybody. Our generation never. We could do it now actually.

We're still angry. We probably could. They should take our, 70s, 80s, early 90s, take that generation and put us on the front line. We'll end the shit with just childhood rage. I'm not stupid! Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. We'll kill them all. Treat us like water boy, where they're like,

he said this about the water, and we're just out there shoot. When my wife needs something open, it's really tight, give me a water. This is what I do. Oh. I usually, I just go like this, I'm not an idiot! And then I just, and I have childhood rage strength.

Like the elephant man, what was that? I can do so much. I'm not an animal, what the? It's so weird. Wow, I mean everybody's gotta get it out somehow. Well, you know, I look, I've been going with therapy for so long, but it's still in me. Really?

I've never gone. Yeah, I've gone. I mean, once for couple therapy, but that didn't end well. Couple therapy, you can't. It doesn't make sense. And we weren't even married. That's from the 80s. Like you have to be.

That's some 80s horse shit. Yeah, and it was his idea, my first ex-fiance. And he was like, yeah, we should just go. And I remember she was really tall and he was paying, so of course she was on his fucking side. And then I had like 79, it was like a beeper, like a text, not text messages, but like pages. Pages, that's what know pages page. They called it

You were it was a pager pager there was 79 messages on there and it went from like but I love you. I love you I love you, too. I'm gonna fucking kill you I don't understand why you're doing this to me Like it was just wrong world and I played them for and I was like now what? What'd you say? She was like, well, I think we should like, you know, try to see how he was feeling and try. I go, which one? Was it number 78?

Which one did you think? You are a little chubby truck driver. I was pissed. I was fat. Here's the thing. I had one year where I gained a lot of weight. I was trying to be a girl. I had 50 years where I was up and down.

What are you crazy? Dude, I went with my wife and here's where I'm done. I'm just done because I'm such an emotional asshole. We went in and she was like, all right, I'll go. And I was like, okay, we went in, we sat down. And he's like, okay, so Dawn, tell me some of the things that Bobby, and she went, well,

and she started crying. I went, we're done. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm a piece of shit. I'm out. You win. I can't. I was like, I'm done. I can't. When you cry, if she cries, if I walked in on her blowing five dudes and I went, what the fuck you doing? She was like, I'm sorry, you're never here. I'd be like, it's okay, just finish. I'm so sorry, it's my fault. Guys, go back to where you- Don't leave him with blue balls. You gotta finish that.

Do your thing, I love you, I'll be in the kitchen. Do you want anything special? Are you hungry? I just can't. When a woman cries, I'm out. I'm out. It's the key. I remember this, a friend of mine,

he was a writer and it was a big show and they were in the writers room and one of the girls cried And he looked at her and he was like crying only works if I'm fucking you She got really upset with it. I'm such a pussy good. It made me laugh so hard I was like, yeah, that's that's true. Like if you're fucking, that's when crying works. Well, I'm married, so we're not. Ah. But, uh-huh. But you're committed, you're fucked. But whatever the words are for marriage, not fucked.

That's inappropriate. I mean, it's a version of fucked. I was, I guess, here's the thing. You get micro-mad. What do you mean? Okay, so we just bought a house, we're redoing the kitchen. Okay. And just adding problems, well doing the kitchen,

all this stuff. Then we're in the kitchen. And as she's like, with the contractor, and she's like, I want to put an island here is that she's like, yeah, he's like, all right, and I want to add these, but I want this stuff. He's like, okay, that sounds good. It sounds great. And he's like, we don't want to put a thing over here in a style. He's like, okay, that sounds good, that sounds great. And he's like, we're gonna want to put a thing over here in a cabinet, and he's like, yeah. He's like, well, I want to put the thing, is that, he's like, yeah, we can do that.

And I'm like, hey, honey, you're forgetting the greatest, the question, how much? Yeah, yeah, you're just skipping over it. In my brain, I'm like, wow, that's amazing. I'm like, we went to the fucking moon. I'm pretty sure he can put an island where the fuck you want it and the color you want. It's how much is this gonna fuck it.

Every time you open your trap, can I put, yes, he can do it all. He can do it all. He can do anything. How much? Track lighting on the floor, wherever you want it. Yeah, that's what matters. That's easy.

Yeah, and she just, I forgot, fucking ask them, ask them. I feel like everyone buys a house and they're like, yeah, but I can get it cheaper and then we'll just redo the kitchen or we'll just redo this and then they redo their marriage and they really challenge it.

I've said this a million times, you want to, if you get married, you should have to put a trampoline together in the summer in their backyard and if you can do that without fucking, Wow. Hitting each other with something, then you can get married, you should have to put a trampoline together in the summer in the backyard. And if you can do that without fucking hitting each other with something, then you can get married. Then you can have your dumb dad. Cause you, if it was me, he'd be wrapped up in the trampoline

and just in the above ground pool floating. Yeah, like trampoline, a move together. You'd have to move another couple somewhere. And if you make it through that, Oh, it's the fucking worst. And I'm not, I'm not, I don't know if I'm bad or good living, I'm pretty to myself. Maybe that's a problem.

Like I'll just, I'm not really, I don't need to communicate. As a marriage goes, that's a key factor. I mean, we could fuck once in a while, cool. But then, you know, I like to be over here, you go over there. You're like Larry from Three's Company. What the fuck are you talking about? fuck once in a while, cool, but then, you know, I like to be over here, you go over there. Isn't that cool? You're like Larry from Three's Company. What the fuck are you talking about? Google that, you nerds.

I don't have to. What? I remember that fucking weirdo. Are you, are you, yeah, like, for me, to see a girl like you, I know you, I love you, your personality's great, you're very pretty. Oh, liar. You're beautiful. Oh,, liar. You're beautiful.

Oh, thank you. I love you. Unconventionally great looking. Unconventional. No, you're beautiful. My mother would say. You're beautiful. You're different looking.

Yeah. Oh, she's different looking, isn't she? What is that? What does that even mean? You have great qualities. Thank you. Because I like to be by myself. You're not your sister. You're not like me. You're more like your father, but listen You have your father's legs

Now I'm turned on now I'm busy with a trucker hat and a Yeah, chain smoking Scratching my nuts. It's but like yeah, yeah, like you, you were married how many times? Never. I thought you said you got engaged. You were engaged how many times? Yeah, three. Not a closer, mind your business.

Me and Brady going for rings. Collectors, we were just collectors. What was the closest, which is the closest one you came? I would say the third, cause we nearly got married in Vegas without telling anybody. Is that-

And that was bad, that was scary. Is that the D-Man? No, he's number two. He's two. Andrew's number two. Who was the first one? His name's Billy. Billy?

Yeah. Philly? Billy, not from Philly. Billy from Mount Vernon. Fucking Billy from Philly. Mount Vernon, New York. His uncle played for Brooklyn Dodgers. Oh really?

What did he do? That sucks when you have to go, his uncle was successful. No, he was too. He was a booking agent for comics. And I wasn't a comic when we were dating. Wait a minute. Do I know him?

Probably not. What did he book? He worked with successful people. What happened? That hit me in the gut. That was really,? He worked with successful people. What happened? That hit me in the gut. That was really, that was like a kidney kick. Wow, that fucking hurt. Came out of nowhere. I'm sorry, it was just right wide open.

Yeah, yeah, it was a fucking great one. But he, just very successful comics. And. Name one. Martin Lawrence. Wow. Chris Rock. Wow, you're really nice bullshitting. I mean, you're really just not going to lay it on. No. How did, wait a minute. I'll tell you that he. First

of all, what did he work with them? I'll tell you that he was, no, he was an agent and he was working at William Morris and he was just an assistant. We call it WMA. WMA at that point. It wasn't WME. Now it's WME. WMA. It's Endeavor now WME now it's WME. It's Endeavor now. Oh yeah they did that. Ari bought it. Ari Shafir bought it. So keep up.

Ari Shafir bought it after that. You're in show business right? After that Kobe incident he was like yeah I'm just gonna buy an agency. I'm gonna book myself. I'll do it myself. I'll get it. I'm barely in show business. To answer your question.

Same. Same. It's a Tuesday night. But I used to get my haircut in Ari Emanuel. We had the same hairdressers. We went to the same hair salon. We had the same hairdressers. We had the same hairdressers. Tuesday night. But I used to get my hair cut in Ari Emanuel. We had the same hairdressers.

We went to the same salon. He went to a different hairdresser. Yeah, thank God. But there was two guys. Mine was a guy, his was a guy, whatever. But they were across from each other. Yeah, but one guy knew how to do an old Jewish guy's hair. And the other guy knew how to make a chick look

like Charlie's Angels. Can you keep me in the 70s? I love it. But anyway, so my ex was working at William Morris and he was just an assistant. And this was like mid 80s. And so he was like loving, he like built a really good relationship

with majority of his black comics and the boss was like ignoring them. And so he was like, fuck this. It was the eighties. I, yeah, I get it. And his defense. They got it was in the sixties. Yeah, yeah.

And he goes, so whatever. So they, he was like, there's no money in that. And he started like calling them the N word and all this stuff. Wait a minute. Not Billy, not my ex, his boss. He's like, you're wasting your time. They're worth nothing.

You're never gonna make any money with them. Hang on one second, so black people are right about white people. It's so real. Wow. It's so bad. And so anyway, so he quit and all his clients went with him. Martin, Chris, Tommy Davidson at the time, Joe Tory,

Adele Given. Like there was. That sucks that you said Martin, Chris, Martin Lawrence, Martin Chris Tommy Davidson at the time Joe Tory Adele Given like You said Martin Chris Martin Lawrence at the time I mean no Tommy Davidson at the time I said Tommy Davidson at the time Yeah, well he had him at that time. Yeah, well cuz they kind of all moved on later on you know they blow Yeah, I thought it will blow up. I thought I'm a Davis and dig no no, no, I love Tommy. He's brilliant. He was one of his favorite clients. So I didn't know you're going LA on me. I love Tommy. Whatever. You don't think Tommy's funny? No, he knock it off. Brilliant. I love Tom. Yeah. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. Comedic acting. Yeah. Absolutely. All right. Now you're sweet. Now you're adding caveats. Okay, so you're not gonna tell me that Tommy Davidson on In Living Color, not a star, not amazing.

Okay, can I say this? Say it. I wanna ask you a question, you answer it, honestly. Give me the top four people on In Living Color. Tommy Davidson. Number one. I'm just kidding, he's up there. He was my favorite, it a Jim Carrey, of course

Jamie Foxx and Damon Wayans, that's three. I picked one more one. I picked I said Tommy Jim Jim Harry I said Jim Carrey. Wait a minute. Damon Wayne's Jamie and Damon. I love Damon Jamie Jamie yeah, right. Don't pretend like I don't hang out with all the... Damon got me my SAG card. He's awesome. The best.

One of my favorite comedians. So fucking funny. I mean one of the... Stand up, unbelievable. And then comedic acting just to me incredible. The Last Boy Scout, one of my favorite movies. Oh my God, that's weird. I love that one too.

And it's so underrated. Me and my brother, Tali, love that. Nobody brings it up. Nobody brings it up. It's a great movie. It is, like, up there. Even love that one, too. And it's so underrated. Nobody brings it up. Nobody brings it up It's a great movie. It is like a little girl in it Bruce Willis Yeah him together so good up there with Beverly Hills cops or easily or 48 hours I would say 48 48 hours was a little yeah 40 hours same vein, you know Yeah, a little grittier. It was a Beverly Hills cop was policy.

Maybe you know, I think that, but I think I'm going to, I'm going to back off Tommy a little bit. I'm saying all four of them. I don't, I'm not going to give them a number. Like what number they go in, but they were my favorites. Jamie, he didn't mention one girl. Yeah. Well, who am I picking? Uh, Andrea, Andrea Dice Clay from that. She was great from the girl. Yeah, well, who am I picking? Andrea Dice Clay? Remember that? She was great. From the show. I can't think of her name.

It'll come to me. Okay. I can see her face. The blonde girl. Yeah, she's great. I can't think of her name and that's so annoying to me. You are an angry truck driver. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Oh shit, are we allowed to curse? Yeah, you can fuck. You said this is live. It's live. To who? To Tommy. Is it? Tommy, are you out there? Should I call him? He's listening No, he I mean he was he was funny on the show But who's the other guy that was on the show that did the gay character? Oh, yeah, David Alan Greer, David Alan Greer

I would put David before there's it there's an episode No, there's an episode of that when they do the dating show and Jim's the host Yeah, I don't know if you saw that. It's so stupid. But Tommy gets picked, of course, and it's Wanda, Jamie Foxx, and his physicality, like throwing himself like that. I don't know why that fucking kills me.

But there was something real about it. There was something real. David, his laugh when he walked off, so good. Hilarious. It was, oh! One, his laugh when he walked off, so good. Hilarious. It was, oh! One of the great sketches. He's a little nutty, I think that's why. Who?

In real life, David. David, yeah. No, I've met him once, he'll never remember it, but he was sweet as hell. David, do you remember? I'm kidding. He's not listening to this. This is not his demographic.

I don't, I haven't seen him in years. I don't know, I would say David Alan Greer, I would say Jim Carrey, Waynes together. Yeah, and then I would say For the original cast then I would say David Alan Greer Then I would say the I do like him though. I would say day blonde girl I was great and I can't and the blonde girl me crazy. Don't we have a look it up? Yeah, Kelly Park Kelly Park Kelly Park Kelly Park Well, that's not a name you remember and she dropped out of the world that yeah, but she did do the Andrea Dice clan

It was funny great. It was very funny. It was probably one of the funny. I can't believe that's not still on I Yeah, I mean they got and they had a lot of weird controversy Controversy, why can't I speak? Because you're from Philly. You know, and I was there all day, so controversy. But yeah, they, Damon, they had problems with the network, like all kinds of shit, they were trying to screw them over a lot. Yeah, well that's what fucking happens when they get hit.

Yeah, and then they got in trouble for like, supposed stealing premises, and I wouldn got in trouble for like supposed stealing premises And I wouldn't blame it on the cast It's the people writing that were like coming in with ideas that they were like lifting from people comic Isn't that always I gotta take this stupid sin out of my mouth. What happened? What is this? Nothing. I heard of this. I got addicted to something else. Are you addicted? I'm an addict so and you know what's funny? Cause somebody was trying to get me to do that.

No. What is it though? Cause they were like, do it, do it. And then I go, I'm an addict. And they go, oh, don't, don't do it. I'm addicted to, I'm just an addict. I get addicted to anything. Yeah.

And I got addicted to cigars was my last thing. Wow. And I love cigars, but it's expensive. Are you off them or still? No, I'm still on them. How many a day? Well, the thing was, is I was smoking one or two a day, but we're talking premium cigars, I'm talking a $15 bet,

$30 a day, if not more, right? Yeah, yeah. And I had to launder money through other people to get cigars so my wife wouldn't see it on the, it was getting weird. Oh. And I have I had to launder money through other people to get cigars. So my wife wouldn't see it on the. It was getting weird. Oh, wow. I get it. And then I still love cigars. But I only smoke. I stopped really by.

I only smoke the ones I really love. Tattoo, why? Foundation, my father. I'm sorry. Tattoo, why? Foundation, my father. Those are brand names of so good at it anyways. But someone got me fucking shame came into the bonfire one day and he had Zins and I tried one and I fell in love with it. Just that little thing and you just. So what is it because, yeah.

It's a nicotine, it's a little nicotine. And I'm a smoker. You don't want to do it. I'm dumping them. I'm dumping them, but I did just find this brand, Zemo, oh my God. Are they expensive? Nah, eight bucks.

That's not bad. That's what cigarettes used to be, kind of. Oh, they're so good because they have blueberry. I love the blueberry and the grape. They have like flavored colors. So fucking funny and gay at the same time. I love it. I love it.

Zemo. I'm such an addict. This is what an addict I am. You ready? This is what a piece of- By the way, you just took that out of your mouth and put it in your pocket and put it in a napkin or anything, I'm gonna throw up. Sorry, Dawn, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. When you go to therapy, talk about his pockets.

She doesn't go to therapy anymore. She once cried and fucking called it a day. I'm with her, I don't like it. I got this, I had it, because I'm an addict. Yeah, look at the little hockey puck. I had to buy the custom, the custom Zinn holder. So when you open it up, look at this fucking thing. That just reminded me.

It's metal. First of all, see the little packs like that? Okay, so first of all, it looks like little cocaine. Has the American flag on the front though. Amazing. Gotta respect that. In black, that's killer. Love.

Who they don't love. Sorry. So the little packets, right? That just gave me anxiety. So one time we were, we played this game in my house called Julius. I think they call it Kobe now, which really annoys me. But I'm not an LA, you know, I grew up in Philly.

So we call it Julius Irving. So you would take something and like shoot it and put it in your drink, right? Like I'd shoot something stupid in your drink and be like, Julia's, and you look and be like, fuck. It's ruined, like could be a rock, could be whatever you found on the floor, blueberry.

Heroin. Heroin, so it was cocaine. Yeah, one of my brothers was doing that, like selling it, trying to sell it. He was trying to be a seller, but he obviously wasn't good at it. Entrepreneur. Had little packets like this.

It was before a bitcoin. So, it's a Saturday morning, we're fucking around, we're playing Julius with this. We didn't know what it was, it was cocaine. Oh my God. And he's running up and down. Trying to grab it. Trying to get out of the house,

cause the guy's outside looking for this shit. Yeah. And he can't find it. And we're playing Julius with it. Oh my God. While he's going back and forth, we're going, what the fuck is wrong with him? Julius.

And we're just like, look, nobody's paying any attention. And we keep taking it out and throwing it because we're like, well, this is wrapped good. You should have called the Cosby. I mean, we did not know. And then the guy, nothing on that. Zero. That was zero. Yeah. It didn't knock any of us out. I mean, I don't think we drank what was in the drinks. Were you a drug addict? No, but I would have been had I tried it.

I smoked. How did you, how did you, how do you know you're an addict? I smoked a cigarette when I was nine. It took me 21 years to quit. 21 years to quit. I started smoking when I was 10. Really? I mean, I would hide them outside and be like, I gotta get out there. I remember I was smoking on my front porch. My mother came home from work early.

She walked up, didn't see her. She walked up, saw me, didn't even break stride, grabbed me by the hair and dragged me in the house. Is that what happened? What? It was wide open Bobby. Come on. It just hurts.

Really learning a lot from your son. I love it. It just hurts. It hurts when you do that. I respect that. So she pulled you in the house and did she, was she a smoker? No, she was, but she had quit that time. But I was 10. I'm with you, I was nine.

You beat the shit out of me. We just, we... My kid, this is what I love about my kid. He'll tell me what's up. Now imagine, how old's your son? 11. Imagine at 10 he's smoking, right? You look at him and you go, hell, he's so innocent.

I'd be like, dude, let's go smoke a bat. Let's go watch a game. Go get some sticks. Let's go smoke a bat. Let's go watch a game. Go get some sticks. Let's go in the backyard. Where's your mom? Don't tell her. No, I wouldn't. Smoking, I think is terrible.

Smoking cigars. Awful. I don't mind so much. Even though it is, it's still not. It's not great, but it's not as bad. It's not as bad. I don't think it's as bad. I don't think so.

I think it's got to hold it. I suppose I started smoking a pipe. That's stupid. But I love it. Pipe? Yeah. Like in a smoker's jacket? No, I didn't think. Are you coming out? I didn't buy pipe. That's stupid, but I love it. Pipe? Like in a smoker's jacket? No, I didn't find it. Are you coming out? I didn't buy the, first of all, pipes are man things.

I don't know, I don't like it. A smoking jacket is a gay thing. You know why I guess? Unless you're Hugh Hefner, like I don't even, or you know, I don't see it working on anything else. You know why they wear smoking jackets? Why? You know, you can't figure that out? you know, why why they wear smoking jackets Why you know you can't figure that out to keep the smell off? Yeah They take their regular jacket off leave it by the door and then they put the smoking jacket on that Yeah like shit and then they put the jacket bugger and then their shirt there was like shit and their fingers in the hair

So I'm gonna say yeah, I don't I don't see how that would really fix it I mean Some people would put like we used to put gloves, everything, and then leave them outside and go in. Because my mom, yeah, my mom could smell it. And my mom would be like, what are you doing? I used to do that when I finger fucked girls. I would wear gloves and leave the gloves outside.

That's great. I would reuse them too, because my mom could smell it. I'd walk in and she'd be like, did you finger fuck, Suzy? You were down the street, weren't you? I told you to stay out of that whore's house. You were banging that autistic girl, weren't you? Football is back, which means winning season is back. My bookie is here to make sure you're ready to cash in on the action, baby.

This season, they're pulling out all the stops with awesome promos like weekly risk-free boosts on Thursday. If your bet hits, you win big. If it doesn't, no problem. My bookie dude will refund your wage. Dude, I got my money back. How great is that? It is awesome. You win big, bet low don't lose. It makes it so fun to use my bookie to have fun when the games are on. I love all these games. I never watch football all like this. I've never done it. I only watch my team.

Now I'm watching other people's teams and learning about football. Me and my son are watching the thing. I'm having a blast. I'm making some money. It's so fun and here's why it's great It's easy when you get ready to get started Just click the link in the show notes you sign up and you're ready to bet. That's how simple it is

Use promo code dude to claim a bonus that doubles your money on your very first deposit You heard that right? It doubles your money with code word dude before you even place a bet you're getting double the money. Loyalty pays off with MyBookies. Plus the more you play the more you win. It's simple. Climb through the tiers of loyalty rewards program to unlock even more epic promotions, exclusive giveaways, and bigger rewards. MyBookie Plus is the lock of the century bet anything anywhere anytime And make your season a winning season But I so I want to go back to your first marriage this guy we didn't get married

You need to get first engaged. I'm sorry. Thank you. We're engaged A guy who was feel to it He took all these killers and now so you meet him when he took the killers or after he He already made it with the killers because I didn't meet him until the 90s like he had the money He was doing good. He was doing great. I'll say that yeah, he was doing great. Hey, huh? You have a beamer? No, he was like a Mustang guy. He was like a regular American he like like muscle cars like. He was like a regular American. He liked like muscle cars like that.

Right, I love that too. Beamers or, that wasn't a thing. Mercedes, no. He just liked those, yeah, all every Mustangs. I love that. And so yeah, he was great. He was like an all American guy. He was from Mount Vernon, New York.

And so he, so he, when he got fired from William Morris, they all left with him. And then he was working out of a garage and then somehow he was getting them, like Guy Taurie will tell you, he was nobody and Billy was getting them like five grand a weekend. Like it was unheard of. And so Chris Rock one time came up and he goes,

you know, one day Billy woke up and he was like, there's a market out there. And then he drops an M-bomb. And I was like, Chris, that's a terrible way to say it. He goes, no, but he really like came up with a way. Oh, Chris said that. Yeah, no, I didn't say it. Chris said it, Chris said it, no.

He was like, listen, man, there's a market out there. And he just said that. And I was like, oh my God. And I remember Whitney Cummings was standing with us and she just started laughing. She's like, what? She goes, yeah, he just figured out that black people can make money on the road. And it was just the weirdest thing. And then like he was even working with Russell Simmons, like Def Jam, all that stuff. You know, it's how Martin was the host. It was, how did you meet him at the comedy store? Oh, I was just waiting tables and he came in

and he had just gone through a breakup and there was this other manager. And you went chit-ching. Chit-ching, I was young, I didn't care. And he goes, there was this manager that I knew was married, his friend, that was kind of sleeping around with other women. So I was like, I'm not getting involved with this.

He's probably married, right? And he was like, no, no, I swear he's not married. So I was like, I'm not getting involved with this. He's probably married, right? And he was like, no, no, I swear he's not married. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. And I already lost the trust for that guy. So I didn't believe him. So for like six months he'd come in and he was like, I swear he's not married. And I'm like, yeah, whatever.

And I just ignored him. Like I would bring him drinks and stuff because it helped the comics. I'd be like, hey, you wanna go see this guy, he's really funny or that girl. I would always give him like inside baseball, just like, come on in, I'll show you the real funny ones that are coming up.

And I did that for him and a couple other managers. So whatever, we were friendly, but I wasn't interested. I was attracted to him, but I wasn't running after him. I thought he was married. What was the thing that made you go, all right, I'll give it a shot? He finally sat down,

because it was his friend telling me, and he's nine years older than me. Why was this friend coming up and telling me? You know what I mean? So he finally sat down and he goes, look, I'm really shy. I'm not good at this. Really? Like girl stuff.

Like you put me in a room. And your pussy just dried up. Swah, wah, wah. You hear it? That's what I love, non-confident guys. Anyways, here's your fucking Shirley Temple pussy. Maybe we'll go see this fat shit Roseanne. She's killing it.

He did a trick, but then, I mean, we were both like, cause I think he was, he would do things recreationally. And I was like, I would be like, wow, you could just have a cigarette and not, you know, what, me too. And I was like, what the fuck? Like I would just study him. I'm like, is there something wrong with you?

And then a client of his, which I have to try to figure it out how to say it without people's names. Come on, why? Give names. No, no, he's dead. I don't want to disrespect. There's only two people watching this.

I don't know. Who was it? I don't want to disrespect the dead. Rodney Dangerfield. No, he was a client of his. Phil Hartman. Rodney Dangerfield, who is white. How old is he? Oh, he's a black guy. I'm Hartman. Rodney Dangerfield, who was white. How old is he?

Oh, he's a black guy. Paying attention. Oh, he's black. I know who he is. I know who it was. I know who it was. Richard Pryor. No, he was-

Paul Mooney. He needed a place- Red Fox. Stop it! They're too old. These are younger ones. And now they're not young, but obviously, guys did. So this client wasn't even like one of his favorites.

This was just somebody he took on as a favor. And the guy all of a sudden was like on the lam, and he's like, I need to hide out at your place. And he led him, because that's the kind of person he was. And the guy had pure cocaine. And you were like, Julius. Julius. My ex was like, were like, Julius. Julius. Julius.

My ex was like, oh yeah, I do it recreational. Like, yeah, I've done coke. Like, he never got addicted. And he did the pure cut. That was it. Really? That was it. Never really saw him again, technically.

So you got engaged to this guy. He went, whup. Fuck. He ruined all of it. Are you kidding me? Swear to God. It was the saddest, cause he was so awesome.

Patrice O'Neill is the reason why, was it him? No. Okay. That's so funny. Oh yeah, he's dead. Oh no. I never got to-

I think it was dead. I never got to really hang out with Patrice, but I did see him in the belly room and I saw him showcase for Mitzi. And I remember Mitzi's, this is her reaction. Why is he setting? Mooney does that. I was like, but this guy's crushing.

And she's like, that's Mooney's thing. Was there a point at the end of her was like, all were you like no, no, it's it was but listen everybody It's funny. I fight with Rogan over this all the time I'm like and we joke about it There were times when she was so on the money so on the money And then there was times when it was so off like I got my name on the wall and I called my friend who was A waitress with me there for a long time and I I go, Hey, my name is on the wall. She goes, yeah, so is Bobby Schrapp chires.

She hung up on me. I was like, you motherfucker, you're not wrong. Like think of all the names on that wall. There's only a few that you know. I just got on. Fucking asshole. I was so, let me tell you go. Fucking asshole. I was so. It was a big deal, right? Let me tell you something. They called me up last year, and it was Brian and,

what's her name? Brian Baldinger, oh, Emily? Emily. And he was like, yo man, you're not passed at the club. And I was like. I mean, there is like a weird, but it doesn't- I said, I go, yeah, dude, look, I auditioned for Tommy a couple of times and he was too fucking weird.

And I just never, never wanted, he goes, well, that's a mistake. And we already have a Bobby Kelly. Do we? Why? It's Bobby Lee. Who cares? Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Same thing. But he was like, dude, this is stupid.

We want to pass you. We want to put your name on the wall. We want to make you a pay regular. I was like dude. This is stupid. We want to pass you we want to put your name on the wall Yeah, we want to make you a pay regular. I was like fucking yes because that club to me when the Improv I love the improv but the Laugh Factory and all these other clubs were the clubs Dublin and all that shit The comedy show was kind of dead. Oh, yeah. I was waiting tables. Are you? Fucking loved it. Yeah, we call it the dead years. It reminded me of the cellar. It reminded me of the cellar. It just reminded me of like, this is where comedy should be.

It shouldn't be at this fluffy, all the dumb lights and all this bullshit. This is- Is that Keith calling in? No. He doesn't know how to push a button. He uses a pay phone somewhere. But I was so excited about it.

I couldn't fly out. It sucked. I was going to fly out for it. Yeah, I missed it too. I like to go when they put the names on though, because it is a big deal. And the guy who books it, what's his name? The guy who runs it, the owner, one of the owners there. Peter, sure.

The guy who runs, no, the guy who... Richie. Richie. Richie. Fucking just a solid dude. Richie Taller. Came in last time I was there. Hey Bobby, blah blah blah.

Thinks you're the funniest, loves you. Fuck it, I love- Doesn't work there anymore. Fuck, I gotta delete his number. You did, see what you did? No, don't, he's great, Richie. Great guy. I mean, it's just weird shit.

What happened to him? It always goes down. Richie was like one of my closest. Is Emily there? Yeah, Emily's still there. Is Brian still there? I think so, yeah. I haven't talked to him in a couple days,

but no, I'm just kidding. It's been a few days. If I go back and my name's painted over the new person hates me. No, Emily's still there. It's all the same. It's the, that's the thing with the store. It was a huge turnover, especially when Mitsu was there because she would just get mad at anything. Like even Brian, she hired him a long time ago. And then that night he was managing and she was like, yeah, I don't like them. I'm like, why? And she's like, just no more, get rid of them. I'm like, okay.

And you had to? And we told Peter, yeah. So Peter thought it was funny cause he knows his mom's cuckoo, you know? So he just hired him back. It was like, you know what I mean? Like, cause Brian's great. It's nothing wrong with him. It's just Mitzi, she would just hired him back. You know what I mean? That's kind of funny. Like, because Brian's great. There's nothing wrong with him.

It's just Mitzi, she would do shit like that. And I mean, there was times when she fired, for eating carnies, you know, that little train station down the street. So the food really has a stench. I know it's terrible, but it's like fried food, you know. Never been there. Okay, so like if you go to like Burger King or something, you know how it has that smell? Any of those fried. It's like, but it's like fried food, you know. Never been there. Okay, so like if you go to like Burger King or something,

you know how it has that smell? Any of those fried. It's like Mexican food. Yeah. You smell like the food when you leave, but it's worth it. Right. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it.

So they were eating it in the kitchen of the store, and it was three waitresses, and she goes, get rid of them. And I go, the food? She goes, no, the waitresses. The waitresses, cause they were eating? They were fired. And you had a fire room? I didn't do it. And I go, the food she goes, no, the waitress, and you had a fire. I didn't do it. She said it to the manager and the manager was like, what really? And so she had a fire them and I was brand new being trained and I had nobody to train me. They just threw me in and said, can you

help out in the main room? Thank God we only had 80 people because you know, in a 400 seater. It's crazy. I was dancing on the table. No, I'm kidding. But it was just like, what the fuck? The transformation from then to now, the last time I was out there, every room was filled,

lying around the corner, a million comedians hanging around the outside. I was like, holy shit. This is great. Because I think I have to attribute it to like Joe Rogan comedians hanging around the outside. Yeah. I was like, holy shit. Yeah. This is great. Cause I think I have to attribute it to like Joe Rogan and always talking about it on his podcast. Adam Eaget forgetting Joe Rogan to come back, Bill Burr,

all those guys, but Adam Eaget, like an Eric Anderson were the guys that kind of- Ari. Ari, but they took over after they got rid of Tommy. And then they got all those people to come back, you know, Jodeus, Adam. Adam's a shit. Ari, yeah, Ari did a special there.

Yeah, Adam was awesome. Unbelievable. He really whipped that place upside down. Yeah, and he would, I mean, yeah, we would break his balls that it's not the Comedy Store anymore, it's the credit store, you know, because it was, but it was working, do you know what I mean? Like it was lining around the fucking block.

Yeah, but they had those other two rooms for people. You know what I mean? That main room, like the cellar is the cellar, then you get the bar and that's where it should go. Like when I first worked here, I worked the wah. And then I would get one spot here at 2.45 in the morning. That's what it is.

That's what it is. Yeah. And I mean, they can also work there as like door guys get one spot here at 2.45 in the morning. That's what it is. It's what it is. Yeah. I mean, they can also work there as like door guys because there's more space. That's a thing I never understood. What they invented and now it's at the mothership and it's actually other clubs have adopted that where... There's only one thing missing from it.

What? Okay, so what we're talking about is... Explain what it is first. Okay, explain what it what we're talking about is explain what it is for. OK, explain what it is about to explain what it is. We have a handicap coming in. So let's explain what it is slowly. What it is slowly. Oh, we made him walk up the steps.

That is fucking. Is there an HR department for real? Because this poor guy. Yeah, put them right here. Where's what Put the seat down. Oh, yeah, Danny's pet you have a blue seat for him. Are you okay? He had listen settle down with Danny's flip it out You're fine. You're fine. Yeah, you're okay. You're doing good. Don't listen to him Danny Danny. Don't let the Danny

Bully he's a bully with a cane get him a bully. He's a bully with a cane. Get him a headset. He's going to lose his mind, Danny. I came here. You want my headset? Wow, times have changed. Just an old black guy yelling at a young Jewish kid. Times have changed.

Maybe I should ask Keith if he remembers my ex. You got the mic on? No, I don't know what I'm talking about. Turn his mic on first. Turn the mic on. No, I don't know. Turn his mic on first. Turn the mic on. I don't hear anything. It's amazing. A little louder. Yo, yo, yo. Little louder. Yo, yo, yo. South Philly in the house.

All right, calm down, ho. This is good. I'm so... Turn them up a little more, Danny. What's worse, South Philly or Boston? South Philly stinks. Fuck you, Boston stinks. South Philly or Boston South Philly fuck you Boston stinks Eagles stink for sure What?

Philly whites! What? The Philadelphia whites are better than the Boston whites By the way that's not a baseball team or anything. That's just what black people refer to. I'm going to say this. Boston blacks are better than Philly blacks. How dare you?

How dare you? It's a truth. Look at me. I'm kidding. You know that's true. We have less. We have less? You racist sons of bitches.

Keith, help him with the headphones, dummy. No, don't. Why are you making this kid run like a nut? Help him with the headphones, dummy. No, don't. Why are you making this kid run like a nut? Help him with the headphones. No, I. Thank you. Thank you so much. Shut up.

I appreciate you and all you do. Are you so. Should I give him a hug? No, if you'll fucking come. Now I'm up. First of all. I think it's the first autistic guy who's coming me Or on whatever actually near

Philly I say it again, but Philadelphia wanked Not a team it's but I like it I like it I'm gonna tell you this right now. Let me say this. Let's throw this out. You got questions on there. I got to shut the fuck up. I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, I want to talk to them.

Billy, I mean, a tougher feeling like people. We got tougher white. You crazy, dude. We had fucking we had new kids in the block. What? Saying that like it's real Walberg fucking marionette dolls. Are you being serious? I'm not Damon. I'll fight Mark Walberg crazy dude, Boston What era your era like this the four era? What era? Your era? Like the 40s? Our era. The 40s.

That's not bad. You guys can tap that. 70s and 80s. Yeah. The Philly whites were way better than the Boston whites. You're crazy. Wow. What do you mean better how?

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway you want it. No way. There's fights. No, we were... Oh, we were good. We were better fighters. You guys got tough... Football. Football. Wait, No, we were fun. Oh, we were good. We were better fighters.

You guys got tough. Pool. Football. Wait, stop, stop, stop. Did you just say? Football. Did you say pool? Yeah.

Like billiards? Yeah. Like Willie Moscone? You got a problem with that? Yeah. You ever been to Moscone's? This fucking guy just brought up pool. We're in the same neighborhood.

Half the people listening to this fucking thing. You know that, right? Went, what's pool? What the fuck? Wait. You can't even go. Nobody says billiards except nerds. Nobody knows what pool is. Why don't they know what pool is? Danny, Danny, have you ever played pool? Yes. Thank you. And I think the Boston whites just lost. Actually, he's not from Boston. He's from security. Here's the thing. He knows a pool because he likes watching the balls Side pocket telling you right now Philly we have the best whites

I love it. I got six brothers. I'm going with Keith. I'm on Keith's side This makes me sick that I got to Philly trash and we're from the same neighborhood ish. Of course you are. I mean, we don't let him in. But it's the other, it's the other. Your neighborhood was bad, huh? You had comedy express. I was close. Keith, you're crazy. Boston has. No, our whites are great. Boston has. They're animals. Shut up. Shut up, both of yous. Shut up. Shut up. Boston has up. Shut up. Are we counting Italians as whites? I'm asking a question. Are we counting Italians as whites? Yes. Then we are winning. We have a fucking Italian section. You guys don't even have that. What are you talking about? It's called South Philly. Don't get more Italian don't get more Italian, you assimilating twat.

I sleep with all of them. I know, I got mozzarella on my back. Listen, Eleanor. Stop it. Stop being a pig. I don't like these things. What's wrong with me? You stop talking over everybody.

You won't shut the fuck up. I got a guy who can't talk and then I got one that won't shut up. I can talk a little bit. A little bit. A little bit. You can hold your mouth. I had it out here and I got this out very clear shut up. I can talk a little bit. A little bit? A little bit. You cold your mouth.

I had it out here and I got this out very clear. Hang on one second. Philly whites are better than Boston whites. Philly white girls are better than Philly white girls. You know that. You said Philly Philly. Philly white. Philly Philly.

I mean Boston white girls are hotter than Philly. No. Are you out of your mind? Alright, now I'm not going to fucking stop talking over you bitch. Those Garetti Catholic girls sluts. Look, don't get him hard, he'll knock this table over. All your girls look like chubby truck drivers. How dare you.

That's her fucking mother's words. No, my brother Johnny used to call me a fat truck driver. I love this guy. I want to meet him. He's an idiot. You did with my sister Karen. I want to meet him. He's an idiot. You did with my sister Karen. He went to your show. He's the best. Yeah. GQ Johnny. Buddy, Philly stinks. Whoa. Hey, come on. I'm sitting this close to you. No, I'm saying is we have the better whites. All

right. Listen, why? I want to give me me give me three examples of why you have better whites. We had one white with installed cable. That's one white. You have a white illegally. Yes. Bullshit. We had a name. We had a name. His name was Mark O'Brien. Oh Mark O'Brien. He gave you the the cable box. He gave you the cable box. He gave you all the channels. You get a hundred bucks, you get the box, you get free cable. Is this the elderly hour? I just made that up.

There's no Mark O'Brien. I'm just trying to keep it. And he was really committed to it. The box. I love that. The only reason why white is good to you is if he give you free showing shit If he does what your black friends does. He's a good white What give me one more that's one give me another one

Exactly. Um You're not better at fucking football. Yeah, we are You're not yeah. We are we had open tryouts for the Eagles. What is wrong with you? We just had neighborhood kids come in You're not. Fuck yeah we are. We had open tryouts for the Eagles. What is wrong with you? We just had neighborhood kids come in. Yeah, and that's why you suck. They're fucking animals. And what's his name?

Yes. Gatton, who played him? Who played him in the movie? Stupid Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, a Boston white. Call Dove Davidoff. Get him up here. They didn't get a fucking Philly white to play him.

They had to go get a good Boston white to play your stupid Philly white. Yeah, cause they had an act. Yeah. He needed him to act. We're too real acting, acting, fucking Boston whites. We got the music. You got no act. Sounds of Philadelphia white Philly guy besides that. Stallone. And how dare you, how dare you talk about a franchise right now look into fucking rocky I must say this right now look into what look into the movie rocky was gay Okay, now you're looking for a fucking problem here. Just saying Rockies gay This is the first love of my life you're with me on this rocky you're making him gay Keith rocky

Was gay him and Apollo Remember when they were like dude you owe me a favor Keith Rocky was gay him and Apollo Remember when they were like dude you owe me a favor that favor was fucking him in the butt They never showed it. They never showed it listen to me. They made a painting of it Oh, you saw them their assholes explode Yeah, if you win you owe me a favor rock and it was the fever and then they cut Now he's gonna say it's an imaginary They actually grabbed each other and man-fucked in that ring. They're gay. Rocky and Apollo.

That's why, that's why when, then when Apollo's going, hey woman, he was talking to Rocky. He wasn't talking to a woman. What franchise movies do you have other than your franchise faith? That's why he got so mad. He was like, hey woman, we want a real man. You come down here and I'll take you on a date. Rocky was like, would you say it was too? It better stop this I don't want to hear one more second your black song

What you're mixing your blacks up? I speak Keith. I'm sorry Rocky was bisexual And you know he's bisexual well He did both he had a bang Adrian to have the kid and to keep up appearances, but he really just loved black. What did he say? He was so into black dick. So am I but I know Sorry, that was instinctual that was so racist that was so Boston right there because we're better whites It's on oh mean keep you gonna put it in the old no, he's gonna put it in reverse and hit my car. That's what he's gonna do. That's what this is.

Putting it in reverse. I'm just saying, dude. All right, so you give me two examples. Now give me the third. Give me three examples. Stallone. Why are better whites... Stallone is...

Is a better white. Look, I love Stallone. It's a franchise. It's still going, by the way. I love him. I'm not gonna deny... I love Stallone. I think he's a great actor. I think he makes a lot of great... I'm Stallone. It's a franchise, it's still going by the way. I love him. I'm not gonna deny, I love Stallone. I think he's a great actor.

I think he makes a lot of great, I'm a fan. You're not gonna get me on Stallone. If Stallone is your guy, okay. But you got one, I got many. Better mobsters. Talking to the microphone. We have better mobsters. What?

I'm gonna agree with that. What are you gonna bring up, Whitey Bulger? Stop it, he's a rat. Little Nicky. Little Nicky Scarfo. You mean the guy that Adam Sandler played when he was the devil? What? You're an asshole. There's no white guy movies. No, Little Nicky Scarfo is a great... Buddy, we had Whitey Bolger. He's a rat! That's trash. So what dude? All good bosses are rats at the end. No, Nicky bulger. He's a rat. That's a trash. So I dude all no trash is a rat at the end No, Nikki didn't Scarfo did it all good monsters rat out how we gonna get a good movie

Scarfo did it and there's no movie a Nikki Scarfo cuz he's still out there doing shit Angelo Bruno didn't Angelo Stop acting like you're fucking bang them all you're didn't I just hung out with their grandkids. Did you? Now I'm afraid. Look at him, look how cute. Look it, look it, there you go. You tell me that wasn't a, they jumped in the water. Yay, yay Apollo. You want to know, I'm afraid, that's why. Yeah, I'm afraid of loving you.

I'm afraid of being near your abs. Look at those tight jeans. That does look gay, that picture is gay. Is he wearing biker shorts? I knew your abs. Look at those tight jeans. That does look gay. That picture is gay. That's the gayest thing ever. Rocky II. Is he wearing biker shorts? Rocky II was a homosexual love movie. That's all it was.

I don't know if I could sit anymore for this. This is hurting too much. Yeah, it hurts, but that's the way it is. And we had a white off. You had a, what? Oh. But this sounds real gay now. A white off.

You guys do it for you. Blacks get your whites off. He's doing his taxes. He's got a white off. No, I'm talking about a white off. We we we. Buddy movie stars. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck.

I mean, we we we beat you. They have Oscars. You know, you guys. Rocky doesn't have an Oscar. Yes, he does. One Google it, bitch. It's got one. Doesn't matter he's still got an Oscar. All right you got one actor though. We got two. How many does Matt Damon have? Three. Oscars? Yep. No. He's lying. He's made it up. He did. I did. He made it up completely. I do know. This piece of shit, Philly Black. No that's not true.

I'm in my head I'm like no Robin Williams got one how many oscars does not demand have any rocky has one two three four eight nine rockies nine there we go how many is not have talking to my i think he's only got one manager one maimi five five five how many is bad now One. Maybe one. Maybe. Five. Five. Five? How many does Ben have? Maybe I'm thinking of Ben. He only has one. Matt has five.

And Ben? Ben has none. Ben does not. He does have some. J-Log too. He has two. He has two. So that's seven. Ben is single. I got no shot. Does he have a midlife crisis? He's into that. He's see. Have a midlife crisis. He's into that. He's into chubby truck driver dudes. A chubby truck driver should be your.

Why do you keep saying that it's a chubby? It can't be a fat truck driver. Like he called me. That's worse. It's funnier because I'll give you fucking Rocky. Thank you. Now what's the third? Well, Smith. Yeah, he's worse. It's funnier because I'll give you fucking rocky. Thank you. Now. What's the third? Will Smith. Yeah, he is white. He is white. Yeah, that's good You know what I stay corrected filly has better whites fucked up. It's a yes. I tell you right now, Philly, Philly's history isn't as good as Boston's history. You guys get so whipped up with that. Oh yeah. We got the bell. I'll

tell you right now, the bell, it's all bullshit. It's bullshit. There's a lot of things. I got lists right here. Yeah. What are we going to talk about? Let's bullshit, dude. What's bullshit about? A lot of things. I got lists right here. Yeah, what are we going to talk about? Let's see what some of your lists are. First of all, the bell, that whole crack in the bell. Do you know how that happened? Some Bostonian was trying to steal it. Yeah.

Do you know how it happened? She's right. How did the bell get cracked? You didn't even know your history. Which history? A fat boss in the wake. Ran into it in the nineteen hundreds on a penny father. One of those bikes with the big, Jay told me about those. Anyway. I'll fuck that for a second, you said that. That's mean. That's fine. Well, how's this? I'll tell you, the cheesesteaks?

Mm-hmm. Made with... Yours are stolen. Made...yours aren't even steak. It's made with hot dog meat. Hot dog meat? Yeah. No it isn't. Hot dog meat.

These assholes call us steak and cheese. Yeah, they're so gay. It's steak and cheese. It comes with semen. That's what it comes with. Steak and cheese, semen. I don't like getting ganged up. I wish there was another. I wish Joe List...

No, he wouldn't help. Boston is gay. I gotta go. I gotta baby. Listen, it's... You named it wrong because you call it cheesesteak. So? No.

The main ingredient... What's the main ingredient? Cheese. No. Cheesesteak. What's the main ingredient? Bread. What's the main ingredientesesteak. What's the main ingredient? Cheese. No. Cheesesteak. What's the main ingredient?

Bread. What's the main ingredient? The bread. What's the main ingredient? The bread. That's why you're alone. Because you have the bread, the bread. You're repeating fucking angry asshole.

That's why you have nobody. I always love my Eleanor. Thank you, Keith. I love Eleanor. Thank you. She got in your mouth. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. Eleanor, I apologize. Thank you.

You're a beautiful woman and I would love to be your partner. I'm going to get a partner soon. Toot toot. Listen, listen, the cheesesteak, that's like your claim to fame. So? And a pretzel? A pretzel. A pretzel's not yours. Oh, oh, you better, you better Google it. That's a, that to fame. So, and a pretzel. A pretzel. A pretzel's not yours!

Oh, you better Google it. That's a Pittsburgh thing. And a pound. Pittsburgh! What are you saying? Disgratia. Yeah. Pittsburgh.

You don't know what that means. He went, yeah. You fucking asshole. Disgratia. Disgratia. I know what that means. What does it mean? Shut up, don't even hit them. Don't tap them under the table. You asshole. Disgratia. I know what that means. What does it mean?

Shut up, don't even hit them. Don't tap them under the table. What does it mean? Fuck your cheese stick. I mean technically you're right. I mean technically, yeah you're right. Fuck your cheese stick. Technically you have a good point.

Listen, Keith, this is why you suck. This is why you stick. You're a troublemaker is what you are. I'm not causing trouble. You're causing trouble. You come up and says, Philly whites are better than Boston whites. It's such a it's such an accurate statement. Such a racist thing to say.

You're racist. You're fucking racist. Of course, he's racist. We all are. Everybody act accordingly. What? Everybody would agree with me. No accordingly. What? Everybody would agree with me. No, it's not true. We have...

We look at look. Yeah. He's in many places we got to... Shit. You guys are pieces of shit. Yeah. I remember I was at, what's the other, Geno's, and I was there and some guy, it was the saddest shit ever.

They had the big line. The cops are holding this guy back. And they're taking, his kids are going, daddy. He's like, motherfucker, those are my kids. Fuck, daddy. And he went, hey, what's up, Bob? How you doing, man? Big fan.

Fuck, they leave me alone. No, he didn't. I swear to God, I shit my pants. He's like, fuck my kid, daddy. What's up, Bob? Big fan. Big ONA fan. I was like, these people are fucking savages.

Savages. That's what now you're proving my point. They threw him in the back and left the kids. That's my point again. Yeah, those kids will be fine. Those kids? Yeah, those kids will be fine. That's probably what happened to you too, you fucking garbage, fucking assholes. You had shit.

Listen, I love Philly. I love Philly people. But you guys, here's the problem. This is why I know you guys aren't better than us, because you always scream it. Are you kidding? We never say- Boston never shuts up. We never say anything about Philly. We talk about you son of a bitch

We talk about New York New York you shit on Philly to you shit on everybody. It's New York and Boston They do fight. Yeah, he's over here. You should fight with Jersey. That's what you're that's where you guys are. You're a Jersey level You should be on Jersey. Yeah, it's true I mean we wouldn't waste our time up in Boston, but we will shit on you if you come down here. Boston and New York are here. You guys are like, you know, down here. You guys should be fighting with... You're always trying to pick a fight with the big club and we're like, alright Philly, relax.

Alright, you got a cheesesteak, chill out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you won't come in our neighborhood because we'll kill you. Yeah, but you have to be violent because you're not... You're not New York or Boston. That's how we got the bell. We drug it down from Boston. That's how broke That's not we drug it if it wasn't for us you wouldn't have saw them coming. We do we get a gay guy We took your gay tea British and we move the British are coming Talking to the Downstairs at the table stupid That's what I'm doing. I do what I want to do. It's your podcast. What are you bringing up, Danny? We found out officially- Talking to the microphone.

What are you, Keith? We found out officially which city is gayer. Uh-oh. We know which one's gayer. Hold still. Danny- Wait, how did you- I'm going to say this first of all.

Danny is 100% against me on every podcast that I do. If he can find something that goes against me, he'll find it. Go ahead, Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love Danny. I love first of all. Danny is 100% against me on every podcast that I do.

If he can find something that goes against me, he'll find it. Go ahead, Danny. I love Danny. I know you do. But I want to know how you find out which city is gay. He's autistic, and he Googled it. I love it.

It's called The Computer. What is it? Danny, read it. I see Philadelphia 7. I don't know. Danny, Joe, can you speed it up? Keith's falling asleep. I think it's Philly.

God, just make it big, Danny. Not Philly. Should I help you get it bigger? What are you going to do? You're going to fucking do math? You're going to read a book like a science fiction novel, you fucking old hen? I'm going to talk about choo-choo trains. And then the wizard can have the choo-choo train.

All right, here we go. Ready? Boston's gay. Right there it says it. Boston has incredible history, both the US and the LGBT standpoint, meanwhile the state of Massachusetts. So Boston is sixth and Philly is seventh. Uh-oh, wow.

You are gayer. What's number one? Besides San Francisco doesn't count. Oh, San Diego. Miami definitely. Wow. West Palm, California. Palm Springs.

Okay. Well, New York City number two. And number one. Golden Gate Bridge. San Francisco. Yep. Even Bon Jovi can't save him from that. You guys don't even, here's the thing.

You're not even in the top five, you're not in the top five gay. We have better gays than you. We're better than you in gays. Our gayborhood is way better than yours. No, you're crazy. It just gave us that. Fill it up in gayborhood?

You know, we have a way better gay neighborhood. I can see it. We sprinkle them in in every neighborhood. You guys keep them in one little section. Yeah, that's facts. I'm gonna tell you this right now our Italian section the north end relax. I've been there the north end. Better than yours. No, I've been there. I've been to Michael's. I've been to all of it. You guys got one little area. It's Mezzameds. Even your cannolis at Michael's are Mezzameds. heads gets who's taking over your little section by the way does eat Don't call him that

fucking crazy with live She's called you a stock. I told you to stop does he not what? Talk to the fucking dirty white Philly girl that you fucking praise it stop does he mean shut up? It does that mean anything other than telling him to shut up. I love that you're so dumb, you're like, she called me with the N word? Buddy. I'll give you the other word for it. We have a better Italian section, we kept it the same way, it's nice. I just drove through the Italian market today on a bike, rode through.

It's gotten smaller, admit that it's gotten smaller. It's gotten smaller, it's gotten more Mexicans in it, I'll tell you that. Yeah, we don't do that. We let them in and then they leave after they work. Well, I guess when the mob got locked up a lot. After they cook all the meals for everybody. But South Philly, you still, you can't lose in South Philly. It's all still there.

What are you talking about? We still have the best bakeries, the best, what are you talking about? We have way better bakeries, Bova's bakeries, Mike's bakery. I've been to Michael's, I've been to Bova's, both of's my I've been the Michaels have in the bobas both of them Meza meds stop saying that's a business like you're a kid. I'm not you're an adult What is say what is the adult? It's states all right, that's a man if and he if I don't like that

She's turning more Italian every time we bring up the guineas and fillings in here You're not Italian. You're not Italian. I know, but I slept with a lot of them. You're Irish. She's a dirty, dirty mick, and she thinks she's got Italian juice left in her that somehow she gets to be Italian. No, it's out.

It hasn't been in there in a while. That means he gets to be Chinese. Oh, come on. You're a massage parlor king. Oh, is that true? I used to be. He's so good at it he would negotiate the price. I remember one time we went and I paid $120 and he paid $53. 52. I'm like, how did you? He goes, I just said it's 52 or nothing. And she went, okay, okay, okay. Damn it.

The ugliest. Don't say, listen, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're live. We're live. The ugliest what? You're up for it. Did you get an Emmy by the way? The ugly, did you really?

I'm sorry. Congrats, did you get nominated? Did you get a Grammy? No. Did you get a nominated, right? No, yeah, I'm nominated, yeah. For what? Has it happened yet? No. Did you get a Grammy? No. Yeah, I'm nominated. Yeah. For what?

Has it happened yet? No. So you're nominated. For what? For a Grammy. For a special. Oh my God, that's amazing. Congratulations.

Can you give me something now? No, but I can give you $52 to go back to that Pollar. If you give me $52, I'll jerk them off. I'll do it. Wow, you really are an addict. I like 50 bucks. Jerking guys off? Oh.

I'm hungry. I'm hungry. You still live in Philly? No. Do you still live in Philly? No, but my mom does and I go home to take care of her. So I do stay there a lot. Don't bring in the fucking sad.

Sad story. Yeah, my mom would go home to take care of me. Meanwhile, I go, mom, I'm here to help you. She goes, I don't need help get out She's crazy She's what? I have a spot she she told me I'm just here waiting it out until she died So try to put that sucker on the market because she could buy a fucking studio in New York I wouldn't I wouldn't be able to afford a studio. It's a row home

She's still in the same row home. we grew up in you live in a row home Why you say I got mean do it came out it was so rude wasn't it Keith? What the fuck is that you didn't even live in a row? You did no he lived in an apartment building You lived in the projects you live in the project Did you live in passion passion projects? Yeah, I used to hang out in there. Is it bad? Of course you did. None of your business. Poo Richardson lived in there. What is that? Played for the Clippers. I don't give a shit

about Poo Richardson. Listen, you are a fucking. Well, he played baseball. I mean, he played baseball and football with my brother, Johnny. I want to ask you a question. Did you know about these projects that he lived? Of course. We were on the other side. We used to fight in the middle. Was it a... Shut up. All right, pardon me. Stupid West Side story. You want to see?

It's a jet. If it's a jet. Keith, Keith, Keith. I hope it's not... It wasn't a lot of finger snapping, but we... I'd love it if you just realized Keith molested you as a kid. I probably did. Yeah, but we probably ran into each other not knowing it at Willie Moscone's for sure.

On Oregon Avenue, Willie Moscone is a huge pool player and he had a place called Moscone's. It was open on Christmas Day. It was very exciting. Listen, I used to love pool back in the day, but pool is dead. My brother Billy was a pool shark. Let me know where there's one pool place in New York City. They definitely closed Moscone's that's a dollar tree now so life is over. I go get a napkin and some plastic back in Moscone's. That's a problem. No Asian. I'm just asking is that a problem is Asian guys moving in. That's a problem? Uh-huh. No, Asian guys love...

Oh, man, I'm just asking. Is that a problem? Is that good or bad? No, but they were... They love pool. They're all little guys. They're all little guys. Yeah.

They love pool. And I almost got in a fight with them at Moscone. Get the, can you get the mic in front of him a little more, please? Can you scooch him in? Almost got in a fight with Asian guys at Moscone. Over what? I was there. Hey, were you competing for the high score? Oh miss do you make money on that?

I thought you said miss Pat shut up. I thought she was there going this motherfucker I'm here Keith. No, miss Batman miss Pat, were you fought with a guy over a video game? Well, one guy, little Asian guy, you know, small. Pushed my man. Hold the mic, you can just hold it. Take it out of the thing. Pushed my man off them, Ms. Pacman. Did he kick him off or did he push him? Yeah, he just pushed him off. Oh hell no. And they got over there and I was like what the fuck? Why are you letting him do the little hip squeak? Push him. And then me and the Asian guy

and you know. Did you win? Of course. Are you sure? I'm not going to let no Asian know. Is that what happened to you? That's why I got the stroke. He kicked you in the side. He punched you with the one inch punch on the side of your chest. But you fought him off with the left.

No, but there was a lot of the Asian guys that were part of the gang. I remember when the Asians moved into West Medford, they moved above the pharmacy. And they just came in and we went down one day and tried to fight them and they beat the shit out of us I mean 50 of them came out of a one-bedroom like there's only one guy out there and then you go out and the long Yeah, we saw like oh shit. We saw one little girl. We were like fuck you bitch and then fuck Oh, what you say? Eat the shit out of me and my friends They beat the shit out of me and my friends.

That's insane. Well, listen. I mean, we were talking about something. I don't remember what. Well, we were going on about, she was engaged once to a famous agent that she won't tell us. I know, his name is Bill Branca. Did you know Bill?

Look, he knew Bill. See, I told you. Yeah, but he only worked with famous guys. How did he know him? He was black. He was trying to get in. Did only work with famous guys. How did he know he was black? I'm trying to get in Did you work with him? Yeah, Bernie Mac

No, that's No, it's never did drugs like that. He's black Bernie Mac You're lying in his sister's kids and took care of them because she was on drugs Bernie Mac wasn't a druggy. Okay. Well, I thought I get No, my ex was repping a black guy a comic kind of comic more of an actor he did both I guess and He was on the lam and he came and stayed in his apartment and he had pure cocaine and my ex thought, oh, I could do it. You know, I've done it a little bit here and there and he did it and that was it.

He was, he, he got really hooked. But she won't tell us who the black guy is. He died. I know. He died. Yeah, I know. You know, what was his name? He was a wild boy.

What was his name? I'm not saying his name because I one I don't want to give him any credit to I don't like him He's a piece of shit, so I'm not gonna disrespect the dead even though I just did but I didn't say his name. If I tell you later you'll be like oh I know him. Colin knows a lot of people. Okay LA. But he wasn't like super famous but he did a few things. Meds and meds. It makes me sick when you turn Guinea. Dirty Irish girl, you should be ashamed of yourself. I was surrounded. We were talking about her second engagement to Dice.

She was engaged to Dice. Second ex-fiance. Dice? Yeah, she was engaged to Dice. You didn't know that? No. Yeah. Thanks for paying to Dice. You didn't know that? No. Yeah. Thanks for paying attention, Keith.

What year? Keith doesn't listen to me. What year? Shit, I don't know. I blocked it. It wasn't when he was really popular. You son of a bitch. I'm not fucking that broad.

I played the garden. That chick looks like a chubby fucking truck driver. It was definitely on the down slope. I'd give it a shot. Oh, hickory dickory, suck my cock, you fat. I think it was after 9-11. I gotta be honest. He was sad.

You were... He's just crying. It's a sad day for America. Suck my dick. Hey, get that goofy broad over here to touch my cock. Oh God.

You were engaged and that fellow, now you stopped that one, right? I would say both of us. I was going through something. What? It's never both. Yeah, but I was, cause I would say both of us I I was going through something what it's never yeah But I was cuz I will say first I was going through something and I kind of zoned out menopause menopause and The bitch gets hot I dried up he was like I got no hot to in me

So you got to pour gasoline and oil this chick's vagina to get it open. Oh I'm out of oil like he's Her pussy's on a clock and it broke my cock My cock coughed No, so so it was me first and then him. Then you know what I'm saying? Like it took us a while to break up, but it definitely, it got to a point where we were both like, yeah, this is good. We're cool. Right. Let's just move on. That's the only reason we're friends. Did you have the wedding? If it was angry, it would have

been, um, I had more plans with the first one. Right. Did you get the dress on the first one? The first one, I had it almost ordered Did you make that into like a half shirt? I didn't I didn't order it. I was about to order it like that was my I was gonna go and do you know and The third one is what happened with that. He was wild. I I love him He's great, but he was just we love is he not at all, not at all. He was so regular. Yeah, no. Regular dude? Just a regular hard-working dude. Italian? Italian and Jewish. Wow. Jews, Italians, that's my thing. Mexicans, throw a Mexican in there. You remember the black eye?

Mm-mm. My father's still alive, buddy. Hold on. It's 88. Give me a minute. You racist bitch. I told you. You know what? Your whites are better.

I agree. Puerto Rican, Mexican. Philly whites are better. Italian. You don't consider Italians black? The Moors. I dated a few Moors. They go right to the edge and thenors, I dated a few Moors.

They go right to the edge and then go, nah, it's too scary. I don't believe that. Sorry. So why did you break up with him? Did you break up with him or did he break up with you? No, no, I broke up with him and it was brutal. Why? What'd he do? I'm not good. Should I say? I don't know if I should say it. Alright. So I was doing the Kid Rock cruise.

You fucked Kid Rock? No, no, no, that would be great. Make America great again. I love Kid Rock. He's great. So I was doing his cruise. Keith just went what? Calm down. He's a really great guy. He is. I know he's nutty butters with his political whatever, but he really is the nicest, most generous person. I don't know. What? He just wants to make this country a good place again? I love it. I whatever. I'm just saying this. Don't you backpedal. I'm not backpedaling.

I don't know if you know him. That's why I'm saying it like that. Well, you know, you know, he's he doesn't like his political views. I know he likes Trump Keith loves Trump Keith. No, he just told me he's gonna he's voting for Trump Are you proud of you? It's wandering Amy's permission. He will Right. Did you ask did you ask them yet? Did you ask them if it's okay? I'm in Pennsylvania You're outnumbered No, what you're in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I mean you can't vote Trump loses, Pennsylvania. You're outnumbered. No. What? You're in Pennsylvania? I mean, you can't vote.

Trump loses Pennsylvania, I believe, right? Hopefully. Whoa. Well, he might. Well, not in South Philly, because I saw a lot of Trump flags today. Do a man-fax? A lot. This summer we're going from New Hampshire for the two.

Little enough, we ain't definitely going to lose in Philly. We were up in New Hampshire, and we played a game called called the Trump game where every time you saw a Trump sign, you go Trump, because we drove around a lot. It was 10,000 to 9,000. This, oh, it trumps. It was crazy. We'll lose, yeah, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump. And then every maybe three days you go Harris.

I didn't even see a mix, I just saw. it doesn't I don't do politics. I don't know anything about it. I don't care. I'm just saying this about kid. He's a great person and to work for him is even better. And so he showed it. So I don't do politics. So anyway, so we're on the cruise. Why'd you get that tattoo? I brought American tattoo because I got a discount. Because I got a discount So I bought I brought my ex with me on the cruise and We had before that like it goes to what you're saying build a trampoline together Yeah try going on a fucking cruise in a tiny room and I was already angry because

I was nervous to go and the night before we left he kind of like because I was nervous to go and the night before we left, he kind of like, he wasn't answering the phone and I don't know where he was for like a good six hours. So. Keith, Keith, Keith, you know where he was. You know where he was. Keith, where was he Keith? He might've been getting a massage for $52 somewhere.

Tell Dingbat where her fiance was. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, he was getting sucked. I believe he was. I'm with you guys. I believe he was. Jack and Jill went off the hill and he got his dick sucked on the others. I was late for the cruise because I was getting my dick sucked. Oh, mother of her. Oh, God. late for the cruise because I was yeah oh my god he would say the same thing

you're saying cuz he I was yeah he was definitely and when we wait okay so now we're on the cruise and there was a balcony and I remember thinking I'm just gonna fucking push him his sisters will thank me they fucking hate him right like I was so excited I was like I'll just kill him. I don't care. That's how angry he got me. Plus I was nervous to be on the cruise. I'd never been on a cruise. I'm a hood rat. We don't go on fucking boats like that. Right Keith? You're filling trash. Anyway, so I was already like stressed out and then like everything calmed down, did

all the shows, whatever. We get off the cruise only four days But I could barely make eye contact with him. I could barely I mean Like I would leave him like I gotta go to the gym. Like I'd make shit I just walk away leave I gotta go do something. I gotta do this I gotta do that like pretending it was show stuff None of it was I just couldn't wait to get him the fuck off that crew. We went to the airport He was going back to LA. I was going to Philly. I just couldn't wait to get him the fuck off that. We went to the airport. He was going back to LA. I was going to Philly. I walked him to his gate. I was like, hey

man, have a good flight. You fist pumped your fiance? What the fuck? And I went to Philadelphia and I never called him again. You've never talked to him again? I mean, I think I answered like two emails and I dropped stuff off outside of his house and I never, I told him when I left. No, we were, it was like a promise,

it was like not a real. It was a Philly engagement. I'd like to marry you but I don't have the money right now. This was like ghetto-y. We're both ghetto, he was ghetto too. You got a promise ring? Whatever you wanna call it. He wrapped a flower stem around her finger. I'm not good with jewelry though. So in their defense, I'm not good with jewelry. I made this ring out of bread. Like if he bought me earrings, that would mean more to me than a ring.

Is that weird? Hey, if I tie this french fry around your finger, will you marry me Eleanor? In a minute. I sure will. As long as I get to eat it. You got dipping sauce. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry.

I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with jewelry. I'm not good with minute. I sure will as long as I get to eat it after.

You got dipping sauce. But yeah, that was so rude. I literally went like that and just left. It's such a fucking dude thing to do. I dropped his, and some of it was money. He used to keep money in my, none of my business. You didn't take it? No, I gave it back. He couldn't believe it too. He goes, I can't believe it's all there. He used to keep money in my, none of my business. You didn't take it? No, I gave it back.

He couldn't believe it too. He goes, I can't believe it's all there. He kept leaving me messages. Wait a minute. Let me ask you this. Yeah. So, before you asked him on a cruise, he didn't call you for six hours after before?

Well, no, no. So we had it all planned. I told him I was nervous. I was very nervous about going on this cruise. And he might've been too. He's not like good at traveling I'm not I'm leaving a lot of stuff out But I agree

I've never been on a luxury cruise ship before and it makes me nervous. And listen to me. It's free too. The nerves of making it free, that just gets to you, Keith. You know what I learned and it hurts? Eleanor is dumb. I'm leaving so much out. Edith Bunker over here.

Oh, he was fucking something. Oh. He didn't call me back for six hours Where were you? I was getting my dick suck cuz I'm going on the cruise with you. Oh, you're so funny Ding bat I was getting my balls like I was so nervous. I had to come and somebody else. I can't. Don't worry. I didn't realize. I don't know what's that dumb. You son of a bitch. It was the first and only time it ever happened. He cheated since the first time. No, no, no. I mean,

I mean that he didn't respond like for that long a time and that was it. I know about you people, okay? I have six brothers. I watch them with their girlfriends. I understand how it works. Last time was four hours. Six hours, you motherfucker. It was done in 20 minutes. She just made a good sauce. If you stick around, if that whore's not telling you

how you're gonna make your sauce, you want some pasta for your soup? Yeah, that dumb thing back, she doesn't know. Son of a bitch. I'm going on a cruise with that dumb thing back. She doesn't know. Son of a bitch. I'm going on a cruise with that moron tomorrow. And I get to meet Kid Rock. This bitch doesn't even know. He was nervous.

I was nervous, too. I think he was nervous. I'm leaving out so many things. He was a felon. I mean, there was so many things. He was a felon. I mean there were so many things. Was he Italian? Italian Jewish. 100%. God damn it. That never hit you? That never struck you that he was getting a piece of ass before the cruise? No, no, no. 100% did. That's why I was like, I didn't even want him to go. I tried to get him not to come. What a piece of shit though. Obviously he came already. You gotta give him credit. This guy.

Don't give him credit you piece of shit. You know what? What? I love this guy. I want to meet him. I want him on the podcast. You gotta get him on the podcast. This guy.

I'll get him. Come on. This guy is going on a fucking cruise the next day and he's like, yeah. And not only is he ignoring her. I mean you might go get some quick pussy. Like 20 minutes, 30 minute pussy. the next day and he's like, yeah. And not only is he ignoring her, I mean you might go get some quick pussy, like 20 minute, 30 minute pussy. Where you could call her back.

He said fuck it. And he's. We were together for a long time at that point. This garbage. He laid in the pussy. He just laid there. I was. Dude, he fell asleep.

He took a pussy nap. He took a pussy nap. He fucked her, fell asleep, ate, fucked her again, took another nap, probably watched the show, watched a little Columbo, and then like, I gotta meet this dingbat. The cruise is leaving. Stop calling me a dingbat. I really feel like he's a bunker. Wow. Archie, where were you Archie? Were you nervous like me? Was you nervous getting to, cause I'm nervous. Oh baby, I was nervous.

I'm nervous too Archie. Maybe we could be nervous together. Oh, the way that. You know I have aquaphobia. Oh my gosh, is that a thing? I didn't read that in the encyclopedia Britannica. Oh The way the millets played She is a super dummy. Oh my God.

The greatest part about Keith though, he'll turn on anybody. Oh yeah, and a heartbeat, this piece of shit. I'm going to push him down the stairs. We're going to wrap it up, but we're going to end the live show, but we do have the questions for Patreon. We've got a bunch of questions for you. Really? I don't know if we have this live.

Do we have any questions for Keith? If there's any new questions for old... Oh, go away, Hattie. Go away. All right. Go to mypunchup.live. I hate you. This weekend, I'm at Cleveland's Hilarities, then Skank Fest, then I'm co-hosting New York's

Sandy. You want Skank Fest? Yeah. Oh, great. That's awesome. He's out there too. I'm going to's Hilarities then skank fest then I'm Co-host New York Sandy at you and skank fest. Yeah. Oh great. That's awesome. He's out there, too I'm gonna get something last thing. Let's do it. What are you gonna get? Hit by a car probably I'm gonna tell I'm nervous

I'm gonna give you 52 dollars Dude if you fucking bang, Illinois I will fucking praise you for the rest of my life. Let me make an announcement right now. Don't tell my father. I'm going to make an announcement. I'm going to bang Eleanor. Bang!

I'm getting banged. I'm an Elkabugger. Dude, if you give Big Boy to Eleanor and show what she's been missing all these years I am I'm going to sleep with eleanor His dick's so big it's gonna look like you got a facelift you can look 13 years younger after you fuck this guy Your face is gonna go Did you get botox? No, I got keith

I got big boy. I got Big Boy. I got Robinson. Oh my God. Ah, shit, you're gonna have to help him like to come up though. Oh, it's gonna be a mess. Please, fuck, Eleanor. I am at, well, go back to my thing, stupid.

No, Jesus. Go back, go back. Oh, God. Danny, Joe, go back. Danny, can you fucking respond? Just say you're trying. You guys, they panic, they just go, go to PunchUp.live for all my dates.

PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. My special's up there, all my dates are up there. Everything I do, uncensored YKWDs, this is probably gonna be up there. Uh, uncensored comedy platform, unlike YouTube, Patreon, they don't censor anything. If it's funny, as long as you're trying to be funny, it's up there, and it goes to me, it goes to my fans, so please go up there and check it out.

I think all comics should be on PunchUp.L dot live why work for these fucking social media company as employees When you can work for yourself and make sure listen bone bone to pick Bone to pick with verzi of course bonfire on serious xm fraction talk 103 with the great Jay big Jay Okuson Monday through Thursdays and Make go to patreon. We're gonna go to Patreon after this. Patreon.com, that's Robert Kelly. We're asking questions, we do an extra episode. If you guys are fans of the show, go there, become a member.

If not, make sure you hit subscribe on YouTube and I'll like all this stuff on social media. Eleanor, what do you got? Nothing. Wow. I'm kidding. I'm telling you what, you're getting something at Skankfest. You're getting a whole new fucking vagina. Skankfest, I have Phoenix. Oh God, I'm so bad at this. I have Montreal. Go to my website, eleanorjkerrigan.com.

You're going to get a nude gauge vagina. Yes, I'm going to get a... You're going to go from a three gauge to a fucking ten gauge. Black Hawk Down is where I'm going. Yes. Yes. What is this you got up here? There's your date. It's right there. Where? Is this me?

Yes. Oh, thank you. I was like, that looks familiar. That's your website. Yeah, This is your date. It's right there. Where? Is this me? Yes. Oh, thank you. I was like, that looks familiar. That's your website. Yeah, McCurdy's.

Yes, thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry, I wasn't looking. She's going to be at Skank Fest. But you know what? I didn't put my Phoenix dates up there, and Phoenix is on the 25th, so I won't be in Skank Fest until the 26th. So what are you there?

So 27th. 27th, 28th, the last two days. Okay, so Friday night you're in Phoenix. Yeah. What club? Saturday night. You're in Phoenix. Yeah, what club Saturday night? I mean, I'm sorry listen Thursday night. I'm in Phoenix. I'm headlining a festival there and then Friday night I'm opening for dice who's headlining and I don't remember the name of it. I'm so sorry Wow, you really don't plug your friend day. I am so bad at life all of it. It's it. What's your website? It's it Eleanor J. Kerrigan. What's the name of it, you fucking asshole?

It's my name. People don't know the J, what is it? Eleanor J. Carrigan. That's a stupid website name. That's my grandmother's name, you piece of shit. I'm sorry, she's a beautiful woman. Thank you. It's a great name for a website.

Listen, guys, make sure you check her out. What should I call my website, PunchUp? Eleanor? Carrigan. Carrigan.com. Yeah, EleanorJCarrigan.com. Why the J? Because it's my grandmom's name. Kerrigan. Kerrigan.com. Yeah. Eleanor J Kerrigan. Why the J? Because my grandmom's name.

Nobody wants to punch in the J. They hate writing out EJ Kerrigan. Like, why can't you put that? Because it's my handle on the stuff. It's social media. When you get punch up dot live, just do Eleanor Kerrigan. Go see her. I feel like I've been abused and I'm probably going to press charges.

If I was younger I'd press charges but at this age I don't do it. You can't, they won't believe you. He's going to stroke and I'm fucked. It's a harder sell. I have a baby stomach. Alright, make sure you go check, she's so fucking funny. I love you. See her do her headline set.

She's at McCurdy, one of my favorite clubs. The Comedy Club in Kansas City, another great club. Make sure you check it out. Where are you going to be? You anywhere except the cellar? Whoa. I'm saying you're at the cellar a lot. Easy. My own. That's not a bad thing. Why would that be a bad thing? And you have a special on Netflix. I have a special on YouTube called No Country for

Old Women, so you can check that out. Oh, yeah. You're on Netflix, and you're on Netflix right now. I'm not on Netflix. I'm on YouTube. He's on Netflix. Sorry, you're on Netflix. I'm on Netflix. I'm the big boss. I'm sorry, you are on Netflix.

I'm the big boss. All right, you're the big boss. What's the name of your special? Different Strokes. That's the name of it. It is great. So good. No, I mean, one of the best specials

to come out in a long time. Yeah. I mean, it killed it. Really bugs me. It's good, man. Really makes me watch more Mark Twain awards. Yes, that was great. Killed it on the Mark Twain awards. Everything I've been doing my thing.

That's two things. That's one. And then we're going to do Skankfest. Skankfest, the last quest. Wait, I don't know. Skankfest is going to be your greatest credit ever. When you blow that, you blow that vagina out. I can't wait. You think he can blow it out?

You think it's not blown? No, I think you got something left. It's got a little left in there. You never went full, you never went full ding ding. You put it to the edge. He's got Big Boy down there, I've seen it. Yeah? Yeah, you can't.

Whoa. You what? What? What do you mean you've seen it? I've seen Big Boy. All right. Look at Keith. Yeah, he's seen it.

I show everybody. What do you think happened last year at Gang Fest? Did you have to suck it? What did you lose? Couldn't suck it, My mouth was open. I had to sit on it. Anyways, what other dates you got? Well, on tour with Wanda.

You're on tour right now with Wanda? Wanda Sykes. Wanda Sykes. I just want you to get closer to the microphone like Bobby does. On tour with Wanda. I mean, that sounds great. Toronto, Wednesday. No, Thursday no Thursday, and in Boston.

Where? Wilbur Theatre, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Hey, if the Boston whites can come out and prove to Keith that they're better than the Philly whites. Hey Boston whites, come on out. Not now, don't come out. I want all Boston blacks to come out. Toronto, this is where you are, Toronto, Boston,

for three shows, then New York at the Beacon Theater. And then he's Hanover, is that Maryland? It went too fast, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Atlantic City. I mean, you guys are all over the place. Go see that show, what a great show. And one of the funniest guys right now, I mean, he's killing it. He's great. Check out his special on Netflix. And Danny and Joe, what do you got besides autism?

Follow me on Instagram. You're not in the microphone, dum dum. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and come to Comedy at Verve the third Thursday of every month in Somerville, New Jersey. Hey, and this is Joe Russell. Check out my cheese show on YouTube. Just type in the cheese show He just made me so fucking You know like his mr. Rogers energy hey check out the cheese I don't want to be

Cheesy cheesers and make sure you check all these out. You guys are the best fans in the world. We're going to Patreon right now. If you want to remember that, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We're going to ask some questions. Did we get questions for Keith? Uh, no. Wow. What the fuck?

Did you ask? Yeah, they're watching live and looking in the chat and there's some, wow. You don't have to rub it in asshole. What the fuck? I mean, He really just rubbed it right into your wound. Right into your wound. All right we'll be over there. You guys are the best fans of Mow. See you next time on You Know What Dude.