Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #554 | Pat Burtscher | Sorry I Was Late

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

This week Pat Burtscher and Bobby got silly and wild. They both almost died during a coughing fit, Bobby's son called in, and they threatened the producers life. FOLLOW Pat Burtscher IG: @PatBurtscher/ FOLLOW Robert Kelly IG: @RobertKellyLive Support the show and get 50% off your 1 st Factor box and 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Use code DUDE50 at https://www.factormeals.com/DUDE50 Use promo code DUDE to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/DUDE Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT / robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! / robertkelly / ykwdpodcast / ykwdudepodcast / ykwdpodcastw.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! / robertkelly / ykwdpodcast / ykwdudepodcast / ykwdpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb? This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, help me, I'm ruining this. Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original.

The original. The original. The original. What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Dude is back above the Comedy Cellar in the Comedy Cellar Studios. The You Know What Dude podcast. We're back and we're live. You want to watch this sucker live? You got to go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and you're part of the live when it happens, the second it happens. And you're in the the live when it happens the second it happens and you're in the chat Right there you get to talk to the other ladybugs all the fans

Why are they called ladybugs? You'd know if you're part of the patreon if you're watching this on YouTube for nothing. That's cool. I get it I get it. You're a little nickel chase. You know you want to you know see what's happening Just hit the subscribe button do me that favor hit the subscribe button like comment do all that shit Share it if you dare if you have balls if you have balls if you're a man If you're a woman with I know pride in women if you care about other women you'd share it if you don't don't um We have a good episode tonight. So go to the Patreon, subscribe, do all that stuff.

Oh, I wanna shout out to Zemo, this company right here. I'm telling you right now, I'm done with all the other ones. This is it. I love these things. I use them all the time. I don't wanna do all this other stuff. I like smoking a cigar, but I was smoking too much, and I do these little patches

because fucking Shane Gill's got me addicted Son of a bitch. He's a millionaire. He doesn't care I'm gonna lose my lip. No, I'm kidding. These are awesome. Love these I Swear to God, I love them. They're the best Zemo What else is gonna tell you we got a great show tonight, I'm excited. I just came from the pussycat I did a bonfire. I did a you know know what dude special extra episode didn't know about that We're gonna do questions with all that shit, but Danny who do we got tonight? We have the great Pat Birchner on the show the great he said he doesn't say that a lot. I'm kidding

He says it about everybody. He usually calls people Geniuses, ah, so I got I got snubbed. Yeah, you got snubbed, but that I think that'ses. Oh, so I got snubbed. Yeah, you got snubbed, but I think that's better. Yeah. Yeah, because he knows if he said genius, I would have confronted him in an alley. You know what I mean? Yeah, and maybe you would have put my feet

to the fire as well, and you'd be like. Well, I've seen you stand up, and you're very funny. So I think great could apply. You know what, Bobby? Fuck it. He's a genius. Exactly. Damn it. He's done. Now I'm going to fight him in the alley with you. I say we kicked the shit out of you. You got a bike chain. Yeah, let's fucking hit him. No, I got you locks, which is better. I think you got you. Oh, the, what is the you lock? Is it just like those guys?

And it goes on the front wheel or wherever you want But don't they just or in the back of Danny's head. Yeah We put them I got two of them buddy. We put the helmet on yeah, and we hit him with the huge the u locks Yeah, so he still gets the damage our luck. It would probably make him normal, right? He probably snap out of it. His eyebrows would go normal Hair and his body would fall off and be normal and then we'll be his underlings yeah we have to follow him around get him boys we'd have weird yeah yeah boss that would suck yeah so let's just leave that's leave him alone let's not hit him with the u-locks no we don't want't want to, I don't want to roll those dice.

I don't want to roll the dice of like making, if we create him, if we give him superhero powers, and then he makes us, like the Joker just snaps a stick, a pool stick, and goes, I only pick one of you. And then me and you got to fight, we don't even know each other. And you know, I feel like you'd stab me first and you'd be in, and you'd feel guilty because we didn't even get to know each other, but now you're his feel like you'd stab me first and you'd be in and you'd feel guilty

because we didn't get to know each other but now you're his underling and I'm dead. Yeah. And then he tells me stories about you. Oh yeah. And then it really, really hurts. Yeah, like what type of voice would he have though? Like raspy? You think his voice would change? Would it be the same thing? Maybe a lisp. Because he got hit, right? Right, he got hit. I'm the pinyiff now. You got hit right? Right you got hit. I'm the senior now Do me a favor I need an AC for my apartment go get me that one on the fifth floor You got ten minutes, yeah, don't take the stairs climb the building with you you locked in your helmet Yes, son of a motherfucker. You want what happened to Bobby happen to you?

Yeah, he'll always hold that over me. He'll lord it over me. Yeah, he would lord it over you, and then you'd feel bad that we didn't get to do this podcast. Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. So let's not go down that road. I don't want to go down, but I kind of do.

I want to hit him. Can we hit him with anything? Is there anything we... Can we Google... Let me ask a question. We Google what part of the brain could give him superpowers and we hit him on the other side of the head. What do we do? What if we just smash his rib cage? Yeah. What if we do it like old school, like with a, you know, with like a police baton

in a phone book. We got to find a phone book though. Man, are you going old, old school where it goes in his bum bum? Or are you going old old school? Time to take your temperature! You have the list now. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Whoever's in charge has the list. Okay. That's how you know you have seniority. That's how you know you have seniority by going listen here Pat, you want to fuck around with me on my show? It's silly when I like it, but I'm gonna have to hit you with a U-chain. What's it gonna be? I like it. I like it a lot.

Yeah, I guess we can't hit him. Here's the thing though with hitting him. If we just... what if we just slapped him to death? Yeah. How many slaps do you think it would three thousand I say three thousand no that's three he comes he comes on three slaps yeah and three thousand he's out but he dies not from the slaps from coming so much right he's just dehydrated. He just his lips go dry The cut the what are the arc of the arc of the cup there you go you nerd I knew you'd slip No, you got me there. I didn't know it until you started nerding out on me. You're in there You know, you fucking nerd it out on me. We'll have a nerd off right now. Can you bring up nerd questions? It's fucking knows what? Yeah, let's fucking settle this once and for all on when did the eyes don't come out 19 no

2001 no 2001 was the towers fell you piece of shit that forgot. No, I never forgot. Is that 2000 We both forgot. Oh shit. We both forgot 2007 the iPhone came out. Am I right, Danny? He's Googling it right now. Oh God. It's Joe's Googling it who has autism in a different way. 2007. I was right. Yeah. But you picked a question you knew. That's right. That's smarter than you. I didn't wait for somebody to ask a stupid question. Danny, give us a nerd. Give us a nerd. That's why I'm a leader

of the back. Yeah, that's why I have the list. That's why I'm a leader of the pack. Yeah, that's why I have the list. That's why I am the smart one in this situation and I don't sell seat clothes by the seat door because I am the leader of the pack. I just spit in your face. Oh no, I'm still sweating from the bike ride. Yeah, you um... And this is very intense.

It's very intense. We are. We've already killed Danny three times. Did you look up a nerd question? Yeah year was the first Comic-Con? Okay. 1972. Nope. You know this? Yes. He's looking up questions. You know, it was in the, it was actually in the eighties. Am I correct? No. I mean the seventies. No. 60s. 60, 19. I know what it was. It was, uh, fuck it was October 19, October, 1962. 1964. That's what I said. I had it with a lift and you didn't. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that's one zero zero. Give us another one. When did Star Trek start? Oh, fuck. You know that one.

What is that? That's in the 60s. You have a face that should know this. I know, but I'm horrible with like years and names. Not year. OK. Oh, exact date. Oh, really?

Why? Hey, first of all, when do TV shows come out in September? When do they come out? Is it with school? Is it in the summer? That is, you got that right. September! You fuck, Bertie. Dude, you just deduced. Deduce this. You deduced that. You just sure love Holmes me. Yeah yeah. All right so September. Okay. September I know what it was.

September 12 1977. 7. Is that what you do to comfort yourself? Like a dog? A cock. It's more like a cock and a lock. What do you guys work today? How much can you bench? Did your father hit you again?

Yeah. He hit me again. I'm not stupid, right? Oh Can you spot me? I can't I can't spot you but in my fat. No, you just you just big boom Oh, thank you. I'm so sorry Is this okay? I don't know With this on no balls tonight Queen name this demonetized from the get Can we name this punch up.live slash Robert Kelly?

Bob, why isn't your podcast taken off like all the ones you started before? Rogan, Burr, Stavros, fucking Gillis, all of them. Oh, I don't know, because you take it too far. That's my nickname in high school, take it too far Kelly, did you know that? Yeah, it was in your high school. Yeah, because I used to blow the gym teacher

and didn't even want it I was like come on Take it Too Far Kelly Take It Too Far You Made it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh, September, September. Pick a name. Star Wars. Star Trek. Star Trek. Oh, Star Trek. Yes, September. September. I'd say, was it, are we doing a day of the week? Did it premiere on a Friday? The original Star Trek? The franchise original series. Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk. That was 100% that was in September 1959.

And what's Pat's guess? September 1964. No, was it before? You just price it right? No, then I'd go lower. September 1st, 1901. I'd say 1865. Right after Wyatt had the OK Corral fight.

What? It's September 6 1966 Oh, I was closer God damn it. All right, so what day of the week was that Wednesday was it? Yep Okay, and the final question. Are you gonna answer the day of the week? Yeah, just say I was right. Oh yeah, Bobby was right. Final question is, who's the boss now? The winner has to talk with the list for the rest of the podcast.

Dude, if you get this, you tie. We have to have a tie break, which is when we put our pieces together and we see who pulls away first, or who gets hard first. All right, go ahead. What character on Star Wars has the biggest boobs? Fucking um... Jabba the Hutt. No. Star Wars? Yeah, Jabba the Hutt. Technically you're right. Yeah. You're right. I mean you're gonna win this one. There's no one that's got bigger boobs. I mean Star Wars. There's only one chick. Yeah. Oh

But no, that's that's what's the one the one with Schwarzenegger where he's on the Mars That lady's got total recall. She has three tits three cans three cans So it's you're saying Star Wars now, right? Yes now Star Wars and you said yeah, that's unfair I'm gonna say Luke's aunt. Final answer. I'm not calling a fact. You gotta do it side by side. It is Luke's aunt. Bobby got it. I win! Yeah. Yeah. Luke's Aunt Peggy. Yeah, Aunt, yeah. Aunt Peggy's got him. Aunt Peggy. Aunt Peggy, isn't that?

That big titted Tatooine bitch. Isn't Peggy from, you know, that show? Yeah, the show Star Wars. No. That fucking desert eating bitch. Married with children. Eating a lot of fucking iguana little scrub rats. What do they call them? You should know, you won.

I did win. Don't get mad at me. Is that the guy with the cool jacket and the fonds out nerded fucking with you? You're running high on that freaking nicotine of yours. Buddy. Cutting edge. Listen man, Zemo doesn't get you high it makes you happy

Zemo the little pouches that make you happy Swamp rats yes, this is Zemo sound like a name of a guy that would walk in the room like Zemo Zemo not now Zemo Zemo down. I'm sorry. He's friendly no Zemo Zemo. Did you kill another pigeon? Are you eating your own shit again Zemo down. I'm sorry, he's friendly. No, Zemo, oh, Zemo, did you kill another pigeon? Are you eating your own shit again, Zemo? It's from Star Wars at the bar. You're trying to make up characters. Bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap Oh, you're like a puppet. Bop bop ba da da. Ba da da. Bop bop ba da. Bop. Ba da da. Bop bop ba da da. Ba da da. Bop bop ba da da.

Bum bum bum bum. That was fun, we're having fun. We're having fun, dude. So you were late because you lost your key on your bike, fell off, and you needed that for... You want to say that again? You lost the key for your bike lock. Yeah, it fell off the key ring somehow.

And then I was like, what the hell? And then I looked around. I was like, man, I locked it. It has to be here somewhere. It is in my pocket. It's not in my pocket. And it was on the ground. Was this all out loud?

What, when I said that? All that stuff you just did? Were you just mumbling to yourself? Probably. Yeah, I'd be here. I'm thinking, boy, I mean, why did it go? It was right there. Ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You just did no mumbling probably So so you you but it was right there it was right there Okay, no one touched it and then I smelled like piss, but I think that's just the street I was like to someone be like this asshole forgot his key

I'm gonna piss on it We've done this before when someone has a bad reason for being late or or canceling if you were to You know, it's a real, you know, you're not lying because it's a bad reason. But now let's let you make up a better reason Oh, yeah, come up with a lie. That would be a better reason than your actual yes. That sounds fantastic. Here we go. Ready? What happened to why are you late? I ran into an old lady on my bike Is she okay? I don't know. I just I left her there. Why were you late? Why were you late? Because I had to take an alternate route to avoid the cops. The cops are chasing you. Yeah, they were chasing me. Because she must be hurt. Probably.

She didn't even look back. No, I just heard her go get that man. And when they kept going and you took off. Yeah. And how did you avoid the cops buddy? I went the wrong way up one way went down a one-way street the wrong way and the wrong way because I'm gonna turn my lights off And then you have lights on your bike. Yeah, yeah, but I turned them off How many lights to today with driver did they drive right by you? Yeah. Oh really? They just like you're regular because they were looking for lights. Yeah, and I took my helmet off Oh, and then I put my sunglasses on oh my god, so you were just incognito Yeah, and then that's why I was like you went that way you know they asked you yeah, and you were like he went that way Wow that's fucking brilliant dude. Yeah, it's amazing you are brilliant

You are a genius and then I got in a cab and then oh you got it Where's the you left the bike the cabs waiting for me outside. Oh, it's so you just let it run Yeah, oh good, man. That's cool. We'll pick I like to support the city you do you support the city? I got a yellow cab. Yeah, you got a yellow cab. Yeah, okay, and they're outside with the meter running with the meter I'm sure he's meter running. He's like, I know sir. I'd like to pause the meter Oh, he's but he spoke like a regular dude. Yeah, and you know, sir I'd like to pause the mic. He said oh he said like alright regular dude. Yeah, and you know, sir. I like to pose the mic Oh, he said oh he said like alright governor you do whatever you want. So is it English guy? Yeah. Yeah that happens

Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's a fucking The world that doesn't exist. Yeah, and that's why I'm late. Okay, great Well, I'm why are you late? Why I wasn't late. Yeah, you were I was not late. Okay, I was exactly on time Do you know why cuz you were downstairs earlier? No, I was on the phone my grandmother some asshole Fucking hit her with a bike and left And she was like Bobby why why would somebody do such thing? He rolled over my ankle and kicked me in the head and said shut up bitch. Don't tell no one and then he fucking disappeared he shut his lights off and we didn't see him ah good thing I know where she lives I told her not to tell anyone yeah you

know where she lives but my uncle actually drives a cab and he's from London yeah and he's downstairs waiting for you and mom not Bob Kelly. My name is Chibididoo and I'm after you too. All right, China? All right. All right, you got me beat this time. Cuff them boys. We uh, I had something happen to me yesterday was fucking tragic. Wait for me to tell you that. Let's try it again. I had something happen to me that was tragic. Wait for me to tell you to add the emotion. Let's try it again. I had something happen to me that was tragic.

Oh man. What happened? Well you know I work at Sirius Satellite Radio, Faction Talk 103 with Big Jay Ocasin, the bonfire on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Every week, crackle crackle. And, uh, I came in and I have my little pass that you get in the building with. Yeah. And I forgot. I, it was lost in the house. Couldn't find. So when that happens, my name's in the system.

I just go up to the front desk, give them my license and there you go. And they give me a pass and I go up right. Did you poison me? It's not really my grandmother. I was joking. I don't know the cab driver. Oh, I feel. Do you need a spot? I listen. Sorry. So I go in and there's a lady there doing some business, business lady kind of twaddy looking, whatever. But the guy knows me. He's like, you know, he gives me the pantomime with you. Hey,

doesn't say it, but almost like that looks like saying you have a tiny penis. In hindsight, he might have been saying that. And I. He's like, you got a small dick. Hang on one sec, excuse me man. Your dick is like this. I didn't think of that. I gave him my license.

Cause I didn't know my, how does he know my dick is the same size as a license? How does he know that? That's fucking nuts. I didn't know my, how does he know my dick is the same size as a license? How does he know that? That's fucking nuts. I'm thinking, you are so good at deducing. Deduce this. Pretty cool. So I gave him the license, he spit it over, he put it down in front of him. And he's talking to the lady, I'm next, but he's kind of working both at the same time. And he gives her a pass, takes my license, and gives it to her. I see this, but not outright.

I know that my license was there. He took my, I'm like, my license. And he goes, I got you, don't worry about it. So I'm like, okay, I'm not gonna say nothing. Because I've done this in the, I've always felt violated or somebody's taking me, and I say something and they're not right. And I'm going to go, dude, you got my life.

And she's made my license. You fucking douchebag. Right. He goes, no, dude, I was saying you got a little dick. And then so I go up and he checks me and gives me my pass. I go, my license goes, you didn't give me a license. Well, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom-boom-boom or gung-gung You decide so he uh, I could do it I gave you my license Yeah, yeah, he's a you I don't have your life. You didn't give me a license like I mean, he's telling me

He's talking to me like my wife when she's like he I I didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know it's you Where'd you put it? You put I put it right here. I didn't touch it Yeah, you probably did it's like he's like you didn't give, it's you. Where'd you put it? I put it right here. I didn't touch it. You probably did. He's like, you didn't give me, I go, buddy, you gave me the pantomime, little dick. And I gave you my license by accident. And he goes, oh yeah, I know, I know. All right, you did give me your license.

I go, the lady has it. He goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, he starts panicking. I felt bad, he starts panicking. They're like, oh, we know where she is. She's on 254. We'll panicking. I felt bad, he starts panicking. They're like, oh, we know who she is, she's on 25th floor. We'll get it. I go, when? What if she leaves?

She won't leave. What if she? I'm panicking now. They're like, I got you, don't worry, we're gonna get it. We know, we're gonna call it, we're gonna go. They want him calling her. She's like, I don't have his license. I don't know what you're talking about.

They're like, you have his license. We gave it to you, but I'm offended that you keep asking me. I told you, I went through my stuff. There's no license. I didn't take his license. She winds up leaving with my fucking license. Shut up. They have to go to the video camera.

No. They see her, give her his license, her license to him. He takes it, gives it right back, then takes my, he does the small dick thing, goes, you got a small dick, which I didn't tell the boss that, I don't want to get him fired, that he's going, you got a small dick. And then they went, whoa, whoa, roll that back.

Pause it right there. And then it has that little flicker between. Yeah. And they're like, did you give the small dick thing again? He's like, yeah. But he gave me his license. They show me giving the license, him taking it, giving her my license.

Like you're being griffed. This dumb bitch. Like a grift. Yeah, that's what I felt. I felt like I was being, I panicked. Yeah. And she still denies it. Even with video evidence.

Video evidence. Has she seen the video evidence? No, they didn't show her. Anyways, I guess late last night they must have called her again and she was like, I did find it. Now mind you, I said, well where is she from? They're like, she's going to the UN. I go, well, does she live here? She goes, no, she's from South Africa. I'm like, that's not the country I wanted to hear. Paris, Netherlands, UK, I feel safe.

Finland, Switzerland, Iceland, I feel safe. Canada, I feel so safe. I know I'm getting it back. You know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, South Africa. That's that they had taken it. Are you fucking kidding me?

So anyway, she wound up sending somebody. She wouldn't even bring it back.'s insanity it's crazy they had to send somebody to hotel and they got it and they gave it back to me today but isn't that wild how isn't it wild how I dressed up to like a lady just to fuck you out of your license what if it was you what if that would be pretty cool if you if you just had a I'm South African Fucking prunes isn't that what they say that's from that movie. Yeah. Yeah, you're talking about You wonder what I'm a nerd, you know, you're not talking a Mandela movie No, I can the one with with the guy who became a prune That was a great movie dude great. Great movie. Oh man. What a fucking amazing sci fi movie. Then at the end he could make it up to what you call it. But he, uh,

to become I, I, I forget. I just farted. We all do it. Not this one. I know I shit. That's good. Yeah. At least it's working. What? My bumhole? Does your bumhole not work? No, it's on strike. Really? No. I regularly shit. Of course you do. You ride a bike. Yeah. Yeah. You're always pushing your knees up. Now, are you, where are you from? From Toronto. Toronto, Canada. What's up with you guys, man? I don't know, man. I'm trying Toronto? Toronto, Canada. What's up with you guys, man? I don't know, man. I'm trying to figure out the same goddamn thing, man. Why would you not, why would you move to New York?

Toronto's a hot scene. It's all right. Okay. Yeah. No, there's like- Thank you for being against us. Yeah, I gotta go. I take the sign.

Yeah. No, there's like more- Oh, that sign is yours. Oh, sweet. Everybody- Who made this? Everybody who does this show gets a mosaic You make one one in between every episode one two in a day. No Danny and Joe do that I throw it to him like a puzzle before the show. He made that in 20 minutes tonight

He's the fat. It's the fastest what he's ever made I'd love if you always threw it over a different wall and they on the other side though. It's tits Oh, so he put he puts the tits together real quick then right off, but the other side Yeah, that makes sense why did you move from Canada to here? What's up? Why are you fucking Canadians coming down here? I'm getting sick of it. Yeah, I'm getting sick of you fucking Canadians Coming down here and taking the goddamn spots of American comedians that fucking live in Long Island and Staten Island and you fucking Mona B

motherfucking Americans come down here with your zits and zaps and your fucking Zeds and your fucking Hey Who Who zeds and your fucking hey whoo whoo a's and your sores and you come down and you lay pipe on the stage and you're real funny and you're energetic and every joke has to have a fucking leaning you don't just talk about pussy and twats and dicks and jeez you're not just doing fucking crowd work you're coming down here and fucking stealing our jobs. Why?

So, because it's fun. Good answer. Very Canadian answer. Good for you. I love it. Thanks for your job. This is my podcast now. Wow.

What's it gonna be called? You know what, eh? That's not any of your business. Oh, really? Wow, that's true. You know what? I have no right and I fucking feel like a game your business. Oh, really? Wow. That's true. You know what? I have no right and I fucking feel like I'm to myself.

I really do. You're really stepping over the line. I don't know what the fuck's going on. My name's Bobby now. What? What's my name? Pat is the little turd boy. Little turd boy.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Can I be your sidekick? Yeah, for sure. Hey, man. Hey, hey, Bob. Hey, can I be you would can I be your sidekick? Yeah for sure. Hey man Hey Bob, hey, how's it going? So you left your family of yeah, or the house was on fire I was like fuck this. Yeah, you left those kids up there. What do they think about you leaving your family and coming down here? To try to make it. I don't know. I never talked to them. Okay

No, they I was actually, my parents are from Europe and they left their family, so I thought I would do the same to them so they would know what it felt like. Right, so that you could pass down that feeling and that's how they succeed. Yes. They're gonna succeed that way.

Yeah. Or kill themselves. Either way. Right, what part of Europe are your family from? Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess. Okay, okay, go, go, go, go. Wait, hold on. Do we have family from? Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess. Okay, okay, go, go, go, go. Wait, hold on. Do we have a question?

No, I think the, something just happened, I think the computer's crashed. Weird, so cool, we made the computer crash. Don't talk. I only have enough energy. We're still recording. I only have enough energy for 50 minutes. If we blow it in the fucking middle, I won't have anything to talk about.

You understand me? Your eyes just crossing the table. They made me. I'm Bobby AI. Yeah. Real Bobby died. What the hell, Bobby Digital. He was fat and he died.

And they shut the computer up his ass. Was it your computer? Nope, it's the Salas computer. And what's happening? It's died. And they shut the computer up his ass. Was it your computer? Nope, it's the cellist computer. And what's happening? It says, well, you know what we can do? It's still recording all angles. We can fix it in post. I just can't switch and the live stream to YouTube right now is going to be fucked, but if you keep going we can... Can you tell the live stream to YouTube what's up? Were they having fun? There was two people watching on the well

You don't have to announce that on Yeah Hey, yeah, Dan real quick real quick Dan Can you can you take that out there too? Yeah, you see another number and edited in in post. Hey Danny. Why don't you say zero it would feel better It'd be more punk rock Fucking what a Autistic shit deck he is I really I hope you get hit in the head with a bike chain tonight

And you don't get superhero powers you just drool more. Whoa, that's the meanest thing No, it's not and then I hope you drool on your own cock and you can't reach it because you don't know what your cock is Anymore and you try to eat it and you take a bite of your own cock and your mom comes daddy What are you doing? And you're like, I'm hungry ma. I'm hungry and then you take a bite of it You spit it right in her lap Yeah, what do you think about that Danny? Yeah, well you hurt my Hurt people hurt people Danny. Yeah, have do you think about that Danny? Yeah, well you hurt my feelings Hurt people hurt people Danny. Yeah, have you heard that? Yes. Okay

When he'll hurt everybody, do you have a family? Do you have a girlfriend? I Have a family and you had kind of seeing a lady. You have a girl you have a family for me You don't have him. You've never come to somebody and left it. No, oh, do I have a family? Yeah, do I have children? Yes. No, do you got kids? I got kid kid kid You kidding me? Ha ha what's up, son? Yeah. Yeah, nah, no, I have no I have no children. No, I have Nieces and nephews. Oh, that sounds gay. Yeah, that's like Yeah, that's what the gay uncle says. I love my nieces and nephews. Oh, that sounds gay. Yeah, that's like, that's what the gay uncle says. I love my nieces and nephews and my roommate. What was that? I don't know. Are we losing it? Yeah. No, I heard it. It's like the chime. They restarted restarted the field.

Let me know when it's back up, Danny. You keep going. We are keeping going. Don't tell us what to do. Did you hear the beginning of the show where you almost got murdered did you I did well apparently you didn't fucking take it in we will beat you with a fuck what is it a you law you locks he's got two of them yeah one for each of us yeah and one for each of your big ears yeah I'm sorry that it put you through that that's okay sometimes you got to lay down the law you got to lay down the law. You gotta lay down the law.

Now you have a girlfriend now and I heard, well, she kinda heard she's old, like six. She's like 75. She's 75. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. Now, how long do you think she's going to live for? Probably a couple more weeks. Couple more weeks.

Yeah. And what do you have planned? Any trips? Yeah. No, the morgue, baby. Yeah Why are you taking to the Statue of Liberty where she came into America? That's true. You can go and visit What's that place called? It's called Memorial Island. No the one where the in the Godfather Statue of Liberty field

I'm close. Yeah getting called Renaissance Ave. No. nope. It's called Something Rikers Island. No, I was thinking no not Rikers Island. It's called Prosperity Island. No Fuck Boy Island. No, no, that was the other guests we had on It's called Come on, dude. It's Island. It's Island. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's in the, it's in the, it's in the God father. Yeah. It's called, uh, don't give it to us. It's called, come on, throw something out. Um, it's, it's called restitution Island. Nope. That's not it.

Constipated. Nope. Not constipated place. It's called banana. Jammer. Nope. Not banana. Jammer.

No Island. It's an Island. Oh no. It's an Island. Hawaii. Hawaii. Oh, no, those are islands. Is that Pete Davidson from there? He's Staten Island. No It's not it starts with an R though, doesn't it? Rana Raya Role island known around Dammit Danny yes, Give us a clue. Google says Staten Island. No. What an idiot.

You're fucking dumb. You're so dumb. Google's dumb. I'm going to ask Frankie. Yeah. Let me ask Frankie. Hang on. You ready?

We're going to ask Frankie. Which Frankie? My chat GPT. I named him Frankie after my friend that I used to be friends with back in the day when I did drugs. Hey, Frankie. I'm Frankie. I'm Frankie.

I'm Frankie. I'm Frankie. I'mT I named him Frankie after my friend that I used to be friends with back in the day When I did drugs, hey Frankie where what island is the Statue of Liberty on? Oh Ellis Island? How dare you fucking talk you cut off Frankie? Frankie communicating clicks Frankie Frankie communicating clicks? What's going on over there? Frankie! Frankie? Liberty Island? No, it's Ellis. He doesn't get the bit. He didn't get the bit. I mean, literally we're going to have Frankie from ChatGPT, my friend that I talked to

on the way home from the city An intense conversation, huh? Let me know if you need more info or a Frankie needs to chime in Frankie first of all I'm sorry. I'm sorry for yelling. I didn't mean to yell but my my assistant Stepped on you. We were asking you something but my assistant stepped on you. We were asking you something, not my assistant, my producer, Danny, who sometimes can be mean and overstep his bounds. We need to know what island Statue of Liberty was on.

I'm sorry. No worries at all, Bobby. The Statue of Liberty is on Liberty Island, right in New York Harbor. I get it. Sometimes things get intense. Sounds like Danny's just passionate, but you got it right asking about Liberty Island. Let me know if there's anything else you need, and don't worry about the yelling. Thanks, buddy.

Love you. Please say it back. Love you, too, Bobby. I love you. Thank you. Oh, my God. That's I am passionate. Yeah, you're passionate. Yeah, it's it's. Thanks, buddy. OK. Thank you, buddy. OK, buddy, I. Thank you buddy. Okay buddy, I'll see you later, thanks. Where are you from?

All right, listen, you're starting't want to talk right now, okay? I'm doing a podcast with Pat Berchner. Bwah! Got it, Bobby. I'll let you focus on the... I'll catch you later. Cool. Love you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Cool love you That's fine, all right, listen man enough enough's enough enough's enough. I mean what the fuck Frankie just doesn't know you know I mean a ice to clingy AI is clingy. I said we should do that podcast Don't just watch football this season cash in on it with my bookie

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Exclusive giveaways and bigger rewards my bookie plus is the lock of the century bet on anything anywhere Anytime and make your season a winning season. Are you a nerd? Do you like nerdy shit? Do you like gadgets? Do you like tech or just like because you ride a bike which says to me this what is your poor? Your cabs waiting a laddie What have you really did run over a lady and there was a cab waiting for you downstairs? You're just a maniac from Canada. That would be pretty cool.

How long have you lived in the city? Five years. Five years? Yeah. And you're in at The Cellar now? Yeah. How was that feeling to get in there? It was really good.

Yeah. It felt awesome. And who put you up? Who auditioned you? Am I allowed to say yep? It was Daniel Simonson and Michael Rowland. Who's that Mike Rowland? Yeah? He's been on here. He's been on here. I've seen a clip even he's on the show. What's the show called again? Animal control animal control which is great one of my son and me it's our our favorite show. And I mean, my son found it and we love it.

And he's so, the fact that he found a role where he can be his weird, uncomfortable, just original goofy self is very rare that he's him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little heightened, that's it. I mean, and it's a great, it's a great show, I love it. I'm so happy for him. And he's so subtle with this.

He's doing a show, a hit show, second season, and he's still just walking around just being a regular guy. Usually those guys will become fucking a little twaddy, a little full of themselves. I mean, he hasn't returned my text messages, but I'm sure he's gonna get to them, right? You know. He came to my birthday and then just sat on the cake and left. I really yeah

You know that's his part of his tradition his right. Yeah, he's from New Zealand. Yeah, that's what they do with cakes They sit on them and go not now Are you leaving? Are you getting cold? Buddy if you leave right now, I'll love you Forever if you just slowly leave this podcast, I will. If you take my why, so it's KWD, it's Kid with Dicks, I will love you forever.

That would be the best. I feel really bad, though. Why do you feel bad? I think it'd be funny. But I also think it'd be great to if I just stopped doing comedy. And then you found out, like, that I started working for the national parks and I just had this on my truck.

And it was like, it'd be better if you kept around your neck. Yeah. If you just showed up like that. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. You had to around your neck and then the people would ask you questions. You just point to it. Yeah. And why, Hey, do you know how to get to the, uh, the red trail and just go, why? Yeah. I want to hike and then you just point to it again. Everything is why. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like this guy But you you you do you live with these guys you live alone with a little oh man, that's sad

Yeah, you know Danny just started living alone which Danny the one with the bushy eyebrows that doesn't look at you when you talk I don't know that guy the guy right behind You know the guy's scaring you with his face right now. Yeah, that guy. Oh, Danny Braff. Braff's the best. Hmm. Hmm. Is it something you'd never hear anyone say? Thank you. Thank you. I should have waited.

I heard you like to take a breath between thoughts. Danny's great, but he fucking he quits on a daily basis, he quits on a daily basis. He gives up on life. Yeah? Yeah, it depends on what time you call him. Right. If you call him first thing, he'll be like, I don't know, who cares, we're never gonna make it.

And then at three o'clock, yo dude, I got this great idea for a documentary. I'm halfway through. It's like what? It's like two different people. I think, Danny, you bipolar? I'm no, just suicidal. Great. Oh, fuck me. I'm gonna have to do a GoFundMe for this loser. You! I just bought this douche and air fryer. Yeah, I know he's gonna put his head in it. What are your aspirations? What are my aspirations? What do you aspire? I want to, I want this podcast.

I want it to be, I want it to be, out of your cold dead hands! No, uh. Dude, I'll let you go, I'll let you, you keep fucking talking like this? I'll let you fucking host this one day. How's that? I'll let you, I'll let you host it. And take it, and take it all the way. And take it all the way.

And then I'm here. You're so funny. You get Colin Quinn to come in and it's just you. And you're like, yeah, what's up, man? It's been a minute. How you been? I don't ever acknowledge it, it's not you. He would still do it. One of you, we did that.

You got that 50 bucks, you owe me. One of you did that and the show became a hit. And you were like, yeah, dude, listen, I'm gonna keep it. And I'm like, all right, give me 20%. You're like, I'll give you 50 and you'll like it. Yeah, and you're like, yeah dude, listen, I'm gonna keep it and I'm like I give you 20% Yeah, I'll give you 15 you'll like it. Yeah, you're gonna love it. Go back to your house and Katona and fucking enjoy your days We're gonna take this to the next level. Do you have a podcast you do? I don't have you know the podcast No, do you have? Don't have a podcast. There are kids. I don't have aspirations

Why are you doing this to me, Bobby? You have a bike? Yeah. That's great. Well, I did. Who knows if it's still there. Do you live in the city? Yeah.

What part? In the Alpharetta city. Exact number. No, no, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it, Bobby! I want your address. I'm not going to do it. Tell the people where you live.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want your address. Tell the people where you live. It has an eight in it. It has a four. Five? Six. All right, look at me, look at me. Watch this. One. It has a one.

Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Six. It has a six. It has a six.

There's a six in it. There's a six in it. No, Danny's been teaching me magic. Danny, I think I'm fucking it up. If Danny's teaching you magic, and you think it's magic, but he's just teaching you how to count. Bobby, I actually today, in my backpack, I brought the trick up and teach you.

Oh, can I do it? Oh, he is teaching you magic. Can I do it? Shut up. What kind of magic? What's your favorite kind of magic? Will you turn around and let me do this? No, I won't turn around and let you do it.

Dude, listen to me. Just turn around and bend over and pull your pants down just so you crack sticking out. It's called the disappearing license trick. Is this big? sticking out. It's called the disappearing license trick. Call back. So you live in the East Village? Yeah, I live in your Tompkins Square Park. Oh, you live near Ari?

Yeah, yeah. All right. I bumped into Ari. Are you friends with Ari? We were a queen. Do you look like you'd be friends with Ari? We've we've we've chatted. What'd you chat about? Just like, Just small talk. Let's reenact it. I'll be Ari, you be you. Hey, what's up? Hey, how's it going Ari? Good, good, how are

you? Good. Nice weather we're having. Don't fucking talk to me about the stupid weather. Who gives a shit about weather? I'm trying to sit here with my fucking dog What's your favorite kind of cloud Ari? The puffy ones Rhombus, is that even a cloud? That's a shape. It is a crowd. It's actually a rap band from the 70s Ladies and gentlemen give it up for Rhombus. Yo, yo You bitch a hoe. What's your favorite music? Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess.

Okay, okay, okay. One. Dave Matthew. Two. Dave Matthew's band. No. Hang on. Marky Mark and the Funk Bunch.

No, no, no. No? Okay, one more guess, one more guess. One more guess. Look at me in the face. Fish. No. One more guess.

Okay, okay, okay. Pearl Jam. No. Okay more guess. OK, OK, OK. Pearl Jam. No. OK. Oh, wait! Uh-huh. Miley Cyrus. Damn, you're good.

I am good, dude. You give me 17 tries and I'll get one. Yeah, that's all I listen to, Miley Cyrus. I do like Miley Cyrus though. She's got pipes on her. She's really talented and she's- Have you heard her sing Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene Why'd you have to go and take my man?

Yeah, I mean I like Dolly Parton's version, but she is hot. She's such a dirty girl to who Dolly Parton Yeah, she's a pig. I Mean letting Burt Reynolds titfuck her after after Little Whore House in Texas is a pig move, don't you think? That's how she got the part. Oink, oink, baby. She really is just a nine to five whore. Working nine to five,

one way to make a living, working nine to five, sucking dick and giving. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. Sorry. It's a Christian show what are you doing it used to be it used to be it used to be a Christian and then you found out what they did did you find it now Christians are coming back are they yeah the evangelists are coming back

I always have a I always have a trouble saying evangelical I think I can say it now Evangelical I think I can say it now Evangelist evangelists and I have a because they Televangelist is like someone that's on TV. No, it's an evangelist on television. Really? Yeah Televangelist that's so funny. It's what they just imagine they put tele in front of everything that's on TV though Yeah, that's Mexicans. Ah Telemundo. Telemundo. Tell your friends.

Tell your friends I'd be on the television. I, yeah, I think they're coming back. I think religion is gonna make a comeback in this next generation. I think people are gonna find spirituality again. Do you think it's because like astrology came back and that's close to like paganism? No, I think they really,

I think they really I think People higher-ups and I don't know who they are second Bobby. Did you put a lot of money into Bibles? No, I'm writing my own Bible. Oh, that's pretty sick and it's gonna come out in three weeks nice Yeah, I know my editors up my ass. I only have 14 pages done. I Have tell me if this works. All right, don't do bad stuff to other people. You don't want them to do to you Yeah, don't fuck your neighbor. Yeah, unless they're hot unless they're hot Danny you get a pen. Will you text that to me? Yeah, thanks text that to me. Yeah, unless they're hot That's a good one and they're asking for it. Yeah, and they're asking and they're asking for it

Do you write in in cursive all caps or what? What's your writing style? What do you prove? What do you prefer? What do you bring into the right? I print I print but I do I am you know, they don't take teach cursive anymore Why is that because typing? Nobody nobody anymore. Why is that? Because typing, nobody, nobody hand writes anymore. They're going to, they'll probably stop writing in school soon. That's great. I don't think so. No, I know. Yeah. Being sarcastic. Yeah. Let's do it again, but more sarcasm. They're going to stop writing soon. Well, it's great. A little too much. Okay. Try it again, find a middle ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, they're going to stop writing altogether in school. That's great. Perfect. That's perfect. Nice. Yeah, I think the typing, man. Think about that. Typing is going to be the thing and no more.

Cursive is gone. Yeah. I remember, I like writing Curseif. But I don't even, I mean, who, what? I'm getting a call. I'm with my son. Oh, okay. Hang on.

Maximus. Max, hang on one second. I'm live on the podcast right now. What? I'm on the podcast with Pat Berkshire. Do you know who he is? Did you just say Berkshire? Yes, I did.

Yes, I did. You said Berkshire? Yeah, I said Berkshire. Listen, Google Pat Berkshire and tell me what comes up. I love you. he's leaving. Max, I'll call you back, I love you so much. Oh wow, well there you go, he left. He took the Y, he took the Y out of KWD, wow.

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Yeah What are you what are you really what are you are you are you just doing stand-up now? Is that your thing? That's it you writing anything you can turn it right? I think I got a DD though you think yeah I think I got ADD though. You think? Yeah. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. What? Ha ha ha. If ADD had a face, it'd be yours. Oh, I'm fucking sick, bro. Yeah. I should be making money. You should be making money.

You're making money. I got enough money to pay rent and shit. Yeah, dude, it's such a great time to do. I mean, I remember when I had that, I was just doing spots every night. And I was just making food money and rent money. And that's all it was. And I look back on how hard it was back then.

I mean, just fuck, it was eating ramen noodle and trying to get Chinese food and make it last three days. I remember stealing Billy Burr's rice. I would go in, he got this big thing of fried rice, and I would go in two or three times a day and just take a spoonful out, because I was so hungry, I'd just take a spoonful, and then I'd fix the rice and pat it back down.

So I'd just, like I just made the rice again until one day, Dad, you eating my rice, dude? I had a whole thing, now it's a half a thing, dude. What the fuck? So like one day you just went too far. I took one scoop too many. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I took one.

Did you, after that, did you dial it back or did you go back with more, like, reserve? You know what I did? The next time you got low-main, because I think he didn't want to fuck with the rice, I just, do you ever just stick a fork in low-main and pull out as much as you can and jam it in your mouth and just chew it and then go back in for one more piece of pork. I know I was a bad roommate. I've never told that story. That's great. Yeah it was it was bad man. I mean we used to do a laundry in the projects. Yeah it was terrifying. We'd

have to do our laundry at like like like 130 so that we wouldn't be raped Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was crazy and we lived on did you do you have any stories of like crazy people at the laundromat? No, cuz we go when nobody was there. Oh, I feel like some Spanish lady, right? Right? You're saying 130 a.m Do you do long? Yeah, no 130p in the afternoon. Yeah, we go. Okay. I don't know Maybe you're like this is a dead zone Everybody's kind of chill Have you any problems in New York you fuck No, nothing. Yeah

Most I've had is like when I first moved here I was hanging out with some buddies and we went into a bodega and outside there's a guy and he was like a little drunk and he's like yeah spare some change and I was like no sorry buddy I don't got any change and goes I ain't your buddy scumbag. I thought it was like in the 30s. I was like pretty sure I saw that guy in a Clint Eastwood movie. Yeah. And then we went into the bodega, got our stuff, and when we were walking out, the guy just had his dick out. Nice. And he was pissing onto a garbage can, just then staring into the bodega.

It was a guy out tonight. He's fucking such a dick. You know, the Comedy Cell line goes for the whole blog for the next show. Yeah, yeah. He's walking by just going, give me six bucks. I was like, six bucks? Nobody was laughing. I was like, everybody, give me six bucks. I'm like, why six?

I will give you six dollars if you tell me why six. Why would you pick six? It's such a unique number. That would be great if you were doing that if he was like because it's the devil Yeah sign of the devil and now you're spared cuz you gave me six And then he turned into bats he turned into bats and killed everybody in line Yeah, except for you except for me cuz I gave him the six bucks. Yeah. Yeah, I was spared That's pretty nice. If you had to blow somebody the devil or Jesus, which one would it be?

Oh, that's a good that's tough not for me I Would yeah, oh you're gonna answer this yeah, yeah, why the hell not? Why if you had a go how about you write it down and I'll write it down and then we have to show each other Okay, but I won't I got my answer in my head, but I'll write it down and then we have to show each other. Okay, I won't I got mine answer in my head But I'll write it down on this piece of paper Pen I'm gonna give you mine. Okay There you go, right

Yeah, I won two fuck this is tough. It's is it? It isn't. Is it? But I'll do. OK. Oh, no, you can't cheat. I did it. All right. I'm done. Let's go. You ready? Yeah, I think I chose the wrong person. I think you did, too. One, two, three, go. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck that two, three, go. The devil, yeah.

Suck that devil dick. Right? Yeah. Yeah, that's the one you do it. I mean, if you're gonna do something terrible, don't do it to Jesus. Do it to the devil. And likeliness is you're going to hell, right? He's going to hell for doing the other one.

Yeah. But if you do a good job on him, he might put you at a different level of hell That's not so bad. You think they don't have a C in hell, baby. Come on. You're like, hey listen I was gonna send him down to the ninth level keep him up on the first near me cuz he was good Yeah, he was so it's not as hot. Yeah like in prison, right the guy who could blows the best Is the king is the king is the king? He's right underneath the toughest guy.

That guy's keeping him around. Why? Why? Tell me why. Why? Tell me why. You tell me why. Tell me why.

Cause he sucks a good dig. Tell me why he wants to leave problems in jail. No, when you started. No when you started work When you started working with P did he uh-huh? Yeah, was it weird to go to those parties? No, I mean it was my idea You started the P. Did he yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really? Yeah, so you know old bait and switch See everything's on tape right? Yeah. Because I'm recording it and I'm behind the camera. No one would ever find out. Right that you were there and you started it. Because I'm the camera guy. Right so all this camera

footage they're gonna see your little fingers in front of you. Yeah. I actually don't know the extent of it and I don't know what I've just admitted to. It's really bad. Yeah? It's sex trafficking, it's rape, it's drugs, kidnapping. You are part of all of it. You've heard it here for... What's the TFT? You've heard it here for four. You've heard it here for...

You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for...

You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've heard it here for... You've drugged me now. You said you were going to jail for a long time. Isn't it crazy though that they're taking... We were talking before about, you know, I figured out why you got sidetracked, but... Right. We were talking before about God knows what. It's like in the Devil's Dick. I'm going to change my answer. What did you change your stuff God Was second God is the devil baby. Oh, you don't believe in anything do you I believe in myself

What do you? I believe in myself. What? I just thought that was the stupidest thing I could say. Yeah. You use drugs? No. You do pot? No. You smoke pot? No. I can't. I get too paranoid. You do mushrooms? I have done mushrooms. Yeah. I eat my grid too paranoid. Do you do I have done mushrooms? Yeah, I microdose sometimes do you do alcohol? Not all the time something I just sell your body to the night. Yeah, buddy. Come on We kidding here Someone's gonna give me a dollar for a dollar touch the touch the pecker. They got a fucking all-access pass, baby Yeah, oh my god for a year pass buddy You know how much money you make if you sold your dick for a dollar New York City you'd have like 45 dollars a day

That's not that bad no no what are you gonna? What are you gonna set 20 what? No, what what? How much you get? No. Why? What? What's going on? Who said something first?

Where we at? Where's the money? I'm going to call my son again. You still hanging out with that bird shit? Do you have a special? No. I am special. You don't have a special?

How long have you been doing this? Like 20 years. 20 years. Yeah. How long have you been doing this? Like 20 years. 20 years. How long have you been doing this?

20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. Do you have a special? No, I am special. You don't have a special? How long have you been doing this? Like 20 years. And do you have a special in the works? What's your fucking plans dude? I want to make a special. The problem is that no one's calling me back. No, I don't know.

Like trying to figure out what to do. It's uh, yeah. Uh. No, I don't know like trying to figure out what to do. It's it's uh, yeah The face is the best. Like shit. What's your plan? Losing man. Yeah. All the records, but it's expensive. Didn't hear a word you said.

Who's your uncle Bobcat going with? Yeah, it's not as expensive as it used to be. Yeah. You're going to film a special now at the seller for the 12,000 bucks 120 million No, no, it's not that these guys are filming specials for 12 11,000 12,000 bucks. Yeah. Yeah, that's not bad That's not bad, and then you you know you put it on YouTube. Yeah, but not then yeah, and there you go

Yeah, you wrote are you doing on the road at all a little bit of the road? Where you going? What clubs? I'm doing The punchline in San Francisco love that in the one downtown Cobs the downtown one buddy that club. I love Molly. Yes, she's so cool. Yeah It's one of those clubs that I used to work like once a year I remember the first time I worked it they put you up in that fucking European hotel, club quarters. I haven't been yet.

Oh really? Yeah, cause like I'm just starting a tour and stuff. I fucking. It took a second to get on the radar of everybody and shit like that. Great person to be on the radar with. I remember I worked there at the club quarters and it was so European and small.

The room was just a little tiny. I just loved it because I was like, fuck it, I don't even give a shit. I love this little weird hotel, it's right across the street from the club and the room was hot. I remember one time, I had a thing with Eddie Ift, I don't know what it was,

he was just bugging me at the time and he came in and she was like, can Eddie do a guest spot? And I was like, no. I think that kind of made her mad, because she's friends with Eddie. Right, right. You know what I mean?

She got over it, of course. Right. Yeah, she's- How are you and Eddie now, in my life? Oh, we're good. Yeah, we're good, man. It was something stupid. Right.

I don't know, something weird. Dude, we were coming up, we were all fucking egomaniacs, we were all the shit, and you know, we stepped on each other's, you stepped on each other's toes a lot. And it's so stew, I look back now, it's like, who gives a fuck? I think that's what happens when you get older though, right?

Because like, I'm like 42 now, and you're just like, there's no point in fighting. What the hell's the point? No, because none of it matters. No. What you do, what I do, what they do, you're gonna do, your shit comes to you no matter what. Right.

You know, you can try as hard as you can and you'll succeed more than me. Or you won't. No, they do. Most of them have done. Most of the people that have tried a lot and worked hard and wrote a lot have passed me. Super passed me.

Yeah, you almost took my why, I don't even know you. No, it's. Imagine. If the why's missing. Yeah, dude, none of that shit matters. All the fights, I remember I got in with people and all the little bickering and the ego shit, none of it matters.

Now that we're older, you know, it's just to be able to fucking do stand up and have a roof over your head and eat is crazy. It's nuts. It's absolutely bonkers. It's bonkers. It's bananas. So whether you're selling out the garden

or you're working that punch line for your first time, that's sick that someone's flying you to San Francisco. Yeah. To just talk shit. Yeah, it's great.'s sick that someone's flying you to San Francisco. Yeah, you know, it's a juice stand-up shit Yeah, it's great people to laugh. Yeah, there's one what used to be I don't I don't I don't work there anymore I don't know why I just I don't I don't know what the fuck it's all because Now is that I thought I thought it was gonna snub me after that, but it didn't right. No, I don't know Why I don't work the West Coast at all. No, I used to go San Francisco. I used to go to Vancouver. Love Vancouver. All in the same rip,

or would you go back and forth? I would like what's the longest you'd go on the road before you lose the longest. The longest I did straight was a month. Yeah. Every, I did the just for laughs tour from St. John's Island all the way to Vancouver. Oh, sweet. Everywhere in between. Yeah, yeah. That was fucking, I mean, long. Yeah. And it was little planes, big planes, bus rides. Right. But it was probably one of the best experiences ever. Who were you with?

Me, Ryan Hamilton, of all people. And I remember, because Ryan's the opposite of me. I'm a fucking loud mouth asshole from Boston. And's a, you know, really nice Mormon from Utah. But I remember we were on the, the comedy cell used to do, it was called the company cell boat ride and they rented one of those big steam ships and they would do a show and uh, all the comedians would go on and we'd go on the boat and we'd hang out and they had food and dancing and we used to get card games going and then you'd run up and do a spot on one of the decks. Right. And then run a comedy cell show. I mean, dude, Chappelle

was on it, Wanda, uh, Jim gaffigan. I mean, everybody was on that thing. Yeah. Yeah. And Ryan was on it. And I walked up to him like, dude, me and you are going to be friends. We're on the road. He was like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And me and him became fucking dear friends. That's awesome. We, every morning we go and get breakfast together. Yeah. We went shopping together. We used to call it missions on the road. We'd give you, like, I always give myself like, I got to get this jacket with this and that. I want to get this camera or something. Just so you have something to try to get, even though you're probably not going to get it. And ours was the best winter coat.

Oh, OK. Because we forgot it was going to be really cold. Oh, shit. So we would go everywhere we went, and we'd go to the store immediately and look for a cool winter coat. We wanted one that could go fold up into its own pocket. That was a new technology back then.

Every day, we went to the mall like a couple. We get breakfast and some type of peel meal. Fucking Canadian. Oh, female bake emails. That was called. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking love it. Yeah. And then we would, uh, and then we would date a date each other. And then I would physically rape him at night. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Cause that's the way he went to sleep. Oh, okay. Yeah He would go to sleep that way. Yeah. Yeah, I heard that about no, of course not I'm gonna have to cut that. Hey, man. Can you cut that part about thank you for the plugs? Ryan Hamilton calm go check him out. Yeah, he's great. Oh, super funny one of the funniest

He blew up from that tour. I did it twice, right? Yeah, I did the second time I did it with Alonzo Bolden, I think Cristela Alonzo, maybe I did another tour there, and Ornie Adams. Right on. That was a crazy one. Yeah. Yeah. The one with, oh, the one with Ryan, we did it with, who's the Canadian comic? He kind of yells. with who's the Canadian comic kind of yells. Yeah. Ah. Ah. Hot.

Hot. Jeremy Hotts. Love the guy. Thought he was gonna be a troublemaker. Thought he was gonna be an asshole. Yeah. And he was actually the sweetest guy ever. Right on.

And he was huge up there. He's massive. Yeah, he's huge. I've actually never met him. I, I, I. Cause I lived in the UK for a bit and stuff. I thought he was gonna be a dick. And Gina Yashir was on the show. Yeah, it's from the UK for a bit and stuff. I thought he was gonna be a dick and Gina. Yesheer was on the show

Yeah, it's from the UK. Yeah, she's from the UK and Frank something from Canada Frank Spadone spadone. Yes, but owns hilarious dude spadone is a doll. Yeah, he's a good time He's not fucking best. Yeah, I got a video of him He came dancing into the room and he had a big Italian sub and I just slapped it out of his hand. And it went right on his boot. All the fucking salami and chopped lettuce. And he was like, why?

But I remember him and Gina Yashir, God bless her, I'm friends with her too, but she would go in and she was so, I don't know what it was, but she was like, fuck everybody. She had a joke about, on the first show, they were like, you gotta be clean. You can't be dirty as you usually are. And everyone was like, all right, we get it,

Canada, just for laugh store. And she had a joke, it was like, rappers are like, motherfuckin' bitch, cunt, bitch, motherfuckin' bitch, cunt, bitch, motherfucker, motherfucker, bitch, fuck, fuck, fuck, bitch, fuck, motherfucker, bitch, gay, queer, motherfucker, bitch, diamonds. I don't know what the bit was, I'm telling it,

but basically, they just say diamond, whatever. And they were like, you can't, you have to not do that. And I met her going, fuck, it's genius. And I was like, all right, let's get carried away with genius. And she had 10 minutes, they gave her 15. So she just was like, she was like, fuck everybody, this is my tour.

Which I didn't care, because it wasn't my tour. I don't give a fuck, G. And she would always play her fucking music with the door open. And you know, there was, she just, this is my fucking tour, fuck all you white boy corny motherfuckers. And I didn't give a shit, but she was late

to the bus every night. So when we would get back off the thing, she'd be late, and we'd all have to sit in the van and wait for her to roll out. And it was fine the first day. But we're on the road 30 days. So day 15, Jeremy flips the fuck out. He's like, why are we still here?

Why are we here? And I just went, we're waiting for Gina again, which I probably shouldn't have said. And I said it like that. We're waiting for Gina. And he I probably shouldn't have said. Right, right. And I said it like that. Yeah. They're waiting for Gina. And he went, fuck this man. You know, whatever your Canadian accent is.

That's enough. It's enough. And she got in the car. They started screaming at each other. Oh, it was awesome. Yeah. It's what we needed. We know what I mean?

We need it. And I remember Ryan almost melted because people are yelling. Right, right, right right and it was fucking great Was it just them going at it? Yeah try to intervene or I? Way, dude. I was just enjoying it right. I mean spido laugh. Oh, dude. I was smiling I was smiling cuz he was good, you know, you don't know respect for anybody. Oh, well fuck you a fucking go back You know, you're fucking her. I can't understand fucking fucking fucking. And she didn't take any of it. And he, he thought he was just going to yell and she's like, sorry, mate. And she was like, fuck you. You

fucking, cause he's the headliner. Yeah. She didn't give two fucks and they yelled and screamed and we all the way back to the hotel and the hotel was a block away. So it like this we had to go but around the back so we're in this thing fucking thing fuck it Yeah, you know fuck it, and then the doors open and they just got out and I was I love it Did it change anything or was there still no no she was late the next night I? Remember she used to steal they used to have all this chocolate. Yeah. And you know, Canadian chocolate is way better than American chocolate because it's real chocolate.

It's not corn starch and corn syrup. You guys put real milk chocolate. It's like real sugar. It's so much better. And they would have these chocolate bars in the dressing room. And every night you went in, and the gummy bears, which were also awesome because they were real sugar, and the chocolate bars were gone.

Gina would just come in and take them and put them in a box. Whoa! Every fucking night to where I got mad, and I took the chocolate bars and I put them in the refrigerator. She came out after a set Where's my chocolate balls? Where's my fucking chocolate balls? Yeah, and I I didn't I was like they're not you are fucking chocolate bars

She might you fucking chocolate balls and I and I fucking I didn't tell her what I just ate him by myself In my room. Yeah, yeah, it was weird. It gets fucked up. Because you're dealing with, everybody has an ego. Yeah, it's not too dissimilar from a sports team and shit. You know, when you're like, why aren't they winning? They have all these stars on there, and it's because they all have egos and they're fucking yelling at each other. You get on each other's fucking,

I mean Alonzo choked out Ornie Adams halfway through the tour. Holy shit. I left halfway through the day I left. Were you scheduled to leave halfway through or were you like, fuck this? No, I had to go do something, schedule to leave halfway through. And then Alonzo called me, who's the sweetest guy in the world. He was like, Bob, you know his voice, Bob, I almost killed him.

I guess- Were they going at it while you were there? Alonzo is a very, what's the word I'm looking for? He was, okay, yep, I got you, sorry. We're just yapping. Hang on one second. Oh, it's bird shit again. Hello? You there? Yeah. I don't know if it's, um, I think I've come up with the word Pat Bird shit. It's Donald Trump and I don't know why. I gotta go. I love you. Goodbye.

Are you working for Donald Trump? Pat Bird shit is. Anyways, he... Hey man. He... Anyways, dude, yeah, I guess he went on a TV show and Orny took fucking Alonzo's joke. No. He took his joke and did it on a TV show on like the promotion to do like one of those

Canadian morning shows. Are you serious? Alonzo, did he do it to piss him off? No, I don't know why. And Alonzo just went backstage and grabbed him by his neck. It was like, you fucking stole my joke, dude. For me, that type of shit is necessary. Right. Because it's just it's after that settles everything down. You

know, you need to fucking tell somebody to go fuck themselves. For sure. Well, you're holding it in. Bag of shit. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever told somebody to go fuck themselves? Go fuck yourself. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come back. No. Please, please. No, it's done. Give me my son. Give me, you're holding my son. Don't hold the fucking photo of my son. Oh, I dropped him. Oh no, I dropped your son. Give me my son, give me my son.

Take the Y, take the Y. All right, listen, we're gonna wrap this up then. Dude, I don't know what the fuck just happened. I know that an hour and so just went by really fast Yeah, you're I think you're mentally ill probably and you brought up my mental illness, but what a fucking fun podcast Yeah, it was great. And I appreciate you coming down. What do you got to plug man? What's going on? I'm going on tour and stuff. Look at my finger. Look at my finger focus on my finger. Yeah. What do you got to plug man? What's going on? I'm going on tour and stuff. Look at my finger. Focus on my finger. Yeah. What do you get going on? I'm going on the tour. Look at that over there on the board. There you go. Yeah. I'm going to be in San Francisco

and like in you know in Texas and stuff. He's zooming in. That's hilarious. Those aren't all of the I'm going to tell you. Here you go you go, but I'm gonna be in I'm setting up some more They know Vemba first. He's gonna be at the punchline San Francisco He's also gonna be there the first and the second then he's going to the riot comedy club in Houston, which is an awesome club I actually did the festival this year the guy who owns it's amazing. It's a one show The 31st and another show on February 1st He's got more dates coming up. Let me tell you something. I've seen you set to the seller You've been on the the the actual Instagram go check out what's your Instagram at Pat Bercher go at Pat Bird shit

calm And make sure you check he's gonna gonna be at Hilarities in Cleveland. Let me, I just did Hilarities. Have you ever done it? No. Buddy. I've heard it's so much fun. The best owner. Yeah. I mean he is Nick. The staff, the two managers, everybody that works, the sound person, Mercedes, every dude you're gonna love it. Oh sweet. They make you feel like a rock star. And the crowds are awesome. Ah dude, you're gonna love it. I just came from there last weekend.

So you're working on some of my favorites. The Punchline in San Francisco in November. In January, the Riot Comedy Club in Houston. Hilarity's Cleveland in April. He's got a YouTube page and Instagram. Go check him out. He is hilarious. We're gonna go right now, we're gonna go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly.

We got questions for you. We got a few questions we're gonna ask you. So if you want to ask questions, if you wanna hear the questions, you wanna see that extra part of the show, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. Not only are you supporting the show, you're helping Danny get the iron lung

that he needs so desperately to breathe. I'm gonna be at Coals New York, of course Minneapolis, Acme Comedy Club, another fucking great club. I'm gonna be there, scroll back, I didn't get the date, Baby Doll. I'm gonna be, am I there for four nights? I'm gonna be there the 17th, the 18th, the 19th,

three nights at the Acme Comedy Club. Then I'm in Point Pleasant, I'm gonna be at the 17th, the 18th, and 19th. Three nights at the Acme Comedy Club. Then I'm in Point Pleasant. I'm gonna be in Dunnellon, New Jersey. Then back to Point Pleasant in October. A Boston mass at TD Garden for the comics come home. Then I go to Cuba with Ari. We're gonna be doing stop one show in Miami on November 3rd at the Improv.

Five o'clock show, me, Ari Shaffir. I don't know if tickets, by now they should be on sale, but look for that link if they're not. Me and Ari Shaffir, one show, then we go to Cuba, and then I'm gonna be at the Sphinx Comedy Club in Arkansas, and then the Dojo of Comedy Club, Temple Live in fucking Scro, I mean, he's stupid. He's not, he's not here, me read. Wichita, Kansas, Temple Live in, fuck, he's, I mean, he's stupid. He's not, he's not Jeremy Reed.

Wichita, Kansas, Temple Live. I got so many dates. I got so many more dates than Pat. It's fucking so obvious where we are in the business. It is. But anyways, go to my PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. It's the best place in the world to find out where I'm gonna be.

And other comics are up there too, Mark Norman. I think Norton's going up there, Louie's up there. It's just easy, shows my dates. And if this podcast gets flagged, which I'm pretty sure it is, it's gonna be up on PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. Guys, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Brath

and come see me at the Dojo Comedy. I'll be there with Bobby in November and then I'll also be there October 3rd with Giannis Papas. Hey guys, you like cheese? Just check out the cheese show, go to YouTube, just type in cheese show and watch it. You're so cheesy. We got a new guy back there today. What's his name?

We got Zach Braviette. Zach Braviette. How you doing, Zach? Good. Thanks for having me. Wow. What a personality. I We got Zack braviet Zack braviet. How you doing Zack good? Thanks for having me Wow what a personality I mean you picked the winner How does two guys with autism?

Sound more into the show than you Zack What's up? Wow, you still didn't pick it up to clues. Hey Zack Yes, are you a stand-up? Yes What's up? Wow, you still didn't pick it up. The clues. Hey, Zach. Yes. Are you a standup? Yes. Wow. What kind of standup do you do?

Is it more one man showy? Oh, I crush. You crush. You fucking crush a conversation. All right. That that's it man. We'll see you guys next time on You Know What, Dude podcast.