Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #565 | Lynne Koplitz | Plus One To A Funeral

Episode Date: December 15, 2024

This week on YKWD Lynne Koplitz joins Bobby on to talk Joan Rivers Story Buscemi's Teeth, and Lynne calls Bobby fat Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://www.trueclassic.com/DUDE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you I'm ruining this. Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly. Welcome back to another episode of YKWD at the Comedy Podcast. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm the host of the show. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly.

I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. I'm Robert Kelly. It's Robert Kelly. Welcome back to another episode of YKWD at the Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous

Comedy Cellar. I just got off stage at the Pussycat and we shut the AC off please because it's making noise and duck under my shot because if you get in it, I will murder you. Was he in it? No. Hit the light though, stupid. We got a great special guest right now. She's getting off stage as we speak, so she's a little late, but we're going to go. Joe, go ahead, Joe. Walk by. Joe, you fucking hunchback. I mean, how is your back so hunched? Go in front of the camera again. Show people your posture. Go. I mean, how is your back so hunched? Go in front of the camera again. Show people your posture.

Go. I mean, this guy is as straight. Hunch over, hunch over. Now you fixed it. I don't like it. Anyways, what is that noise? Is it still on? I still hear it.

I can hear it. Yeah, something's happening. Could be the computer fans over here. You're a fan. Is it the computer fans? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. We'll turn that mic off.

There it is. All right, perfect, guys. Live, we're live on Patreon right now. So if you're watching this on YouTube, go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly, and you can watch this live, be part of the chat, and then get the extra episode every week. And of course, go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly

for all my tour dates. If you're a fan of my standup, that's where you wanna be. And if you like my comedy, youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy. All my standup is over there. We're putting the kill boxes going up there very soon, and live from the Village Underground is going, I mean, it's crazy. We got a lot of stand boxes going up there very soon and live from the Village Underground is going, I mean it's crazy.

We got a lot of stand up going over there. I just got off stage at the cellar, I mean the pussycat, and a guy asked his girl to marry him. How crazy is that? When did that happen? I was on stage, you know, messing around, great crowd, all over the world is there.

Shut the mic off. I really didn't need you to go, when did that happen? I just said, I just got off stage. I don't need your input, Joe, you're fucking soulless. When did that happen? Well, I was on the show. I know you were on the show. I wanna know which couple, which was the English couple?

To the left. The British couple. The ones that liked... Did you say British couple when I said English couple? The people that liked the bangers and mash. Buddy, it's, I know you associate everybody with their fucking food groups. Kind of food do you love, buddy? Yes.

To the left. I was like, do you, you know, I was like, you married? No. And I was, you know, whatever, all that fucking hacky shit. And then I was like, we're just asking to the left. I was like, you know, I was like you married no You know whatever all that fucking hacky shit, and then I was like we just asked him to marry you He was going to tonight. He had the ring at the hotel I was like do it now pussy and he wound up doing it on stage At the at the Comedy Cellar, but I took the video cuz everybody had their video on their phone in the bags Yeah, so now I had to give them my number. So now some fucking English banger has my number.

Get in here! Let me tell you something right now. I am so excited that this person is here right now. She's doing her thing. She's getting prepared to be on camera. I don't know what she's doing. She's coming over right now. Where are you, president?

This is why I love you. Because you're an old school lady. You don't show up without something. That's a, everybody right now, she's on Netflix, funny women of a certain age special. She's, she's Comedy Central. She's a, one of the killers at the cellar. she's one of the killers at The Cellar, a murderer. Nobody wants to follow her. That's not true. Including myself, you murder, murder. Nobody. Lynn.

The hardest I've seen people laugh live, is it you? Lynn Coppins. I tell you what, Lynn, it's not true. You're a killer. You're a murderer. And it always sucks when I look at the schedule. It's either you or me. You have to close or I have to close.

And one of us, like, I always, now I always get the early spots because I've fallen asleep a couple times for a late dress. What? As he puts me on early. Because I fall asleep and I come running into the club with like sheep face. I'm like, sorry. Because that's it. No.

Cause we're here by seven. We've been here for years. We've been here for years doing the late spots, going up last. How great is it to go up early? Remember when we both hosted? When? Well, I think it's great. Not together. No, no. But at the cellar, like, you used to have to... Host. Host.

Yep. But it was smart because you learned everybody. Hosting was the best because you had to go up. People always bitch about hosting, but it is a pain in the ass because you have to deal with... It's great for learning. How long has he been up? Is the crowd good?

Anybody here from... Shut the fuck up and just go be funny. Oh, Kevin Brennan's the worst. Oh, no. Alan Havy was the one. Oh, Alan can be bad too. One night I just, I kind of snapped, I feel bad. Because he was like, how much time?

I was like, I just, two minutes, I do this, and that means two. And then, oh, anybody from out of time? I go, dude, I don't know. I didn't ask, I didn't do that. Are you gonna do that? You gotta do your part, dude. I'm not your assistant. I was so mad, I don't I didn't do that. Are you going to do that? You got to do your part, dude. I'm not your assistant

I was so mad. I go here's the deal I go Alan. Havy you go up and then when I do this you get off in two minutes That's my only fucking job Is there anyone from Toronto here? Oh, you're like, I don't care. I don't fucking care. I like on the road now like i'm on the road and One it's it's like dating in your 50s, like it's a little depressing the minute you, you're like, ugh, this is who I am now.

Like I walk into a new club and go, all right, this is it. But- You can tell where you are in the business the way they treat you. And where you sleep. If the, oh, oh, and yeah, the hotel, the way they put you up. And you and I are two of the biggest jerks about hotels.

I don't, I will. No, I do it too, I won't stay, I'm not staying where Joe DeRosa stays. Andrew Dice Clay or somebody's spoo. I'll stay where he stays. No, I mean back in the day. Like I don't want Gallagher spooed sheets from the condo. Yeah, I don't wanna stay where the headline is saying,

Thursday and Sunday. I don't, I don't. It's my home on the road, the only thing I want. And I don't even care't I don't I just it's it's my home on the road the only thing I want and I don't even care All they want my rule was flat TV. Yeah, and I want a little breakfast. So I asked for all I want I don't care about the flat TV. I need a working television. I Asked there's no dirty socks or dirty anything laying around. Where are you staying? Oh, I've stayed at some bad places I'm not now but like one time my sister drove me we were in Michigan and she drove me to my gig with the girls like her daughters and I've been there for two days

then I had the gig and I was coming back. But it's an hour it was an hour drive so I didn't I wasn't asking my sister to drive me back and forth every night. Yeah, just I'll stay at the hotel for two nights. Come back. Be here for three. My niece to see where we're pulling in. It was one of those old burnout like like an executive suites hotel executive suites,

but it was one of the big convention center ones. Yeah. But they had mattresses piled up in the lobby where they were redoing some of the rooms. My nieces cried. They cried the whole way home and my sister came back and got me. Oh, they left you? Well, they left me because I had a gig like in an hour. But my nieces, they were going home and she goes, the girls are crying and saying we can't leave Aunt Lynn, is she safe? And I go, they're crying at my life. You're letting them cry at my actual life.

I stayed, the worst place I stayed was the downtowner motel on Hollywood Boulevard. I remember I showed up. Oh man. It looked nice in the thing, because it looked like an old school, vintage Hollywood hotel. There are a lot of them out there, but.

I showed up, there was an Indian woman with a gray eye at the front desk. One of her eyes were gray. And then I said to her, she goes, okay. I love you, Bobby. Here's your key. And I went, hey, they said breakfast, is breakfast included?

Oh, chickpeas, hummus. I would've took that. I turned around, there was a pot of coffee, like you have in your shitty house. Like the old Mr. Coffee. It was all the way down to the end. And then there was a donut with a bite taken out of it. You're lying.

Listen, ask Ben Bailey. I said, there's a bite taken out of that. She went, it's better than a poke in the eye. And I was like, oh my god. No, you made that all up. She went, it's better than the poke in the eye. And I went, it is better than a poke in the eye. And I went, it is better than a poke in the eye. It was terrible.

That's so funny. Terrible, I mean, it's. I'm trying to think of the worst one I ever stayed in. I did stay in a place that had a dirty sock in the closet. And I called down and said, can I get another room? And they said, why? And I said, well, there's a dirty sock on the floor of the closet.

And they're like, close the door. And I and I was like what and I'm just like and that was one of the ones where I called the Booker and yelled and said it put me somewhere else. Colin Quinn taught me the best trick. What? Just check yourself into another hotel. Yeah but you have to not be poor. He goes he goes don't tell them no because usually the other hotel the better hotel is like ten dollars more. I'm always poor. He goes, don't tell them. No, because usually the better hotel is like $10 more.

Oh, that is true. That is true. I was in a hotel, it was so bad. Little tiny square TV. The bed was disgusting. It had stains on the pillows. Oh, no. There was pubes on the toilet seat.

The drain was all rusted out in the tub. I just checked myself out. I called the hotel next door that was just a little, it was better, $10 more. I just checked myself in there. When they came to pick me up, they were like, where are you? I go, I'm at the better hotel next fucking door

for $10 and they felt like shit. Yeah, I also won't stay on ground floors. Why? Like, I- Oh, I wanna be raped. I'm always spooked about people coming in that window and I do a't stay on ground floors. Why? Like, oh, I want to be raped. I'm always spooked about people coming in that window. And I do a whole rape joke. So are you do you? Let me tell you something. When you close and you set and you do that joke,

it is fuck. First of all, do you know how many people have complained about that? Because it's a fucking crazy joke. I mean, it's I love it. Joan said a really nice thing to me about that joke. She goes, what makes that joke? Makes that joke great. And she came running over to me at just for laughs. I did it for the first time. And she goes, what made that joke great? And I go,

that's a taboo subject. It's kind of funny. And she goes, Oh, no, no, that makes it a good joke. What makes it a great joke? And I go, I don't know. It that makes it a good joke. What makes it a great joke? I'm like, oh, I don't know it's because it's Requestable people are gonna ask you to do the rape joke It's a joke that that no one should say those words Yeah, and they're gonna ask you that and you know how many times people are you doing the rape joke? Yeah, yeah now that you were friends with Joan, but you you were close close Yeah, she was like a mentor to me.

Right, and you toured with her? Did you go with her places? No, I didn't tour with her, but hung out with her. You just hung out? Yeah, like I, one weekend, I'll never forget, we were doing that show together. We were on that show, Z-Rock, you knew that. Yeah, you were on with Big J.

Yeah, yeah, with Big J. That was your show. It was our show, yep. Right, and that was on what channel was that, True TV? IFC. IFC. It was actually fun, The first season was a lot of fun And that's when they made TV when they would take a chance on something

When they would like you don't have to be crazy famous as long as we have a good producer involved in it Well, they needed Joan involved. Yeah, well they need one person like that to say This they didn't have any problem though getting Old like rockers and stuff because it was all about a band and I played their manager Right and um, you know D Snider all these people Darrell Hall like they all came on the show. Yeah It was really kind of fun But then you don't need a big known cast now if you have all these faces and you went you got these people on it But you Jay Kurt Metzger,

I mean some of the funniest people in the business. So one weekend I had a gig and I can't, you know me and God, I'm always like everything happens for a reason. And I got a gig and I canceled it because I was run down and exhausted from shooting. It was like something in Jersey or something. And I said, I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I'm so tired. Have I got a call from Joan's assistant like the next five minutes. Jonas, if you want to go to her, her house out and like it's near Westchester kind of area for the weekend with her. And I go, yes. Oh, I just opened up. Thank you, God. And, um, and my mother's like, don't take a lot. I'm like, mom, it's Joan. We're going, we're leaving Friday

and we come back Sunday, like in the evening. I go, she's already told me you'll need like four changes of clothes, four or five. Why? I'm not kidding. Cause this is Joan, you know, like Joan was like raunchy, but in real, did you know her? I met her one time at Louie's house at Thanksgiving and she walked in with her daughter and I was starstruck because Joan

Rivers to me was true stand up comedy. She was real. She was funny. Always funny and and she got funnier the older she got because I feel like she got more real. I don't know, Bob. I thought she was funny. Some of that stuff from when she was really young, like pregnant with Melissa. She's doing jokes, pregnant with Melissa,

talking about how the baby's gonna keep her from doing stuff. Here's why. Because when she did that, she had to do it TV clean. I only saw her TV clean. Later in life, she did her theater stuff where she could be herself. Where she could, well. She could be more her.

And man, that documentary on her was awesome when you saw how funny she was. And how she didn't give a fuck. She was just so funny. We used to make each other laugh a lot, but one of my favorite things about Joan is that she, when I first met her, everybody was watching us at the show, and they brought me in.

And I said, I did that really cheesy thing, I can't believe I'm gonna even tell you this, but where you bow down when you see a celebrity. I did that, it was so ridiculous of me. And when I look back at cringe things I've done, that's one I would take back. And when I called James Burroughs Jimmy. All right, get out. Anyway, and let's see what's happening to Lynn's career. back and when I called James Burrows Jimmy.

All right, get out. Anyway, let's see what's happening to Lynn's career. I'm available at 8 30 on a Tuesday. But anyway, you got to buy me listen, she's royalty, man. When I saw her at Louie's, I panicked and didn't say she walked by me and I just I didn't I didn't blink. I just looked at her. And I was just like that's John Rivers. And She walked by me and I just, I didn't blink. I just looked at her and I was just like, that's Joan Rivers. And she walked by me, came in, said hi to some people, and then fucking left. And she walked by me, I was like,

I didn't say hi, I wanted to say hi so bad. I'm sitting there yapping it with Philip Seymour Hoffman about corn salad. Vic Kenley called me one night because I'm at the Ferris Club and Joan Rivers is there. And I go over and I say hi and Joan, you know, she's nice. So she's like, hi, and I tell her I'm a comedian, and she goes, oh good.

And he goes, she was not interested in me in the least bit. And he goes, but she was nice, real nice, but Lynn, you know her. And I said, I know Vic. And he goes, no, I mean, I took a chance, but she was getting away, so I just said, Lynn Coplet. And she turned around, and he said, no, I mean, I took a chance, but she was getting away. So I just said, link hoplitz. And she turned around and he said, she turned around and she said, who said link hoplitz? And he goes, it's me.

He kept running over and she said, well, why didn't you tell me you were a lens friend? Oh my God. And he goes, I couldn't believe it. Right. But, but anyway, what I'm sure I would have said that too. I would have dropped your name in five seconds. What she said to me was... I would have just went,

Lynn Cloplets! Lynn Cloplets! Right in her face as she walked by. I got her to do Bonnie and Rich's... Fuck! Documentary and they were both like, at first I don't think they thought I could really get her for them,

but by the time I was really like, Bonnie was talking to her on the phone, I get a call like, Lynn, what the hell? Oh, thank you. I'm like... She probably was annoyed like Bonnie was talking to her on the phone. Wow. I get a call like, Lynn, what the hell? Oh, thank you. Oh, my. She probably was annoyed. Who is that other guy? Who is that other fucking? Well, get the well, Voss would call me.

I mean, it not he hasn't in a long time, but he used to. He'd call me on the road and I would text Bonnie immediately. I would just grab my phone, make Rich leave me alone. He calling me on his own. And then I'd hear Bonnie go, leave her alone, Rich. Hang up and he would go, mind your own business.

You don't know who I'm talking to. It's Lynn. She's writing me to have you leave her alone. He is, he calls, you know, he uses you as radio. He does it to me all the time. Oh yeah, yeah. You know, all of a sudden, I know I get a phone call from Rich on a Friday or a Saturday.

He has a four hour drive from Baltimore and he wants to talk to somebody about what the hell just happened. Or he would call me, I think he called me like two years ago and he goes, where are you living in Florida? And I told him and he goes, do you like it? And I'm like, well, can you please get to the point,

whatever the point is. Like I don't really. He's the only one I'm ever mean to. Can you please get to the point, whatever the point is? Like I don't, I really. He called me. He's the only one I'm ever mean to. I'm like, Rich, we're not talking. He calls me from stage. If he's at a shit gig with like 10 people, I'll get a call and be like, you're on, I'm on stage right now.

And they'll just start trashing me to get laughs on stage. Oh, that's so damn funny. I can't wait till he passes away Yes, you can take that back I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wait, I have to tell you what Joan said I'm sorry, we walk in and I do the bow thing and she goes I've never seen the camera take weight off of someone what the whole room gets silent And I was skinnier than I am? The whole room gets silent. And I was skinnier than I am now. The whole room gets silent and I just go, wah!

And the minute I start laughing, she goes, come here, you thick-skinned comic. And she said to me, I always do that to catch the level of the people I'm dealing with. So now the lead singer of the band comes in, Polly. They weren't actors, they were musicians. And tall, but always had a little, his teeth were a little left up,

but I thought it was very cute. In case he's listening, I still think you're most handsome. I think it's gross, you made money, get him fixed. Shut up, it's like Isabella Rossellini, it's hot. It's disgusting on her too. So Joan says something about the teeth. She says something to him? Yeah, and he like looks at her and he goes,

well, is something wrong with my teeth? Yes. And she goes, oh no, you're lovely, I was playing. And she looks at me and she goes, yeah, there you go. Ah, that one's sensitive. Well, I mean, making fun of somebody's teeth is really fucked up. I mean. Well, I used to say that, but I mean, it a make a fun of somebody's teeth is really fucked up. I mean, well, I used to say that.

But I mean, it wasn't a bad thing. It was like something cute about his teeth. It wasn't like they weren't gross or Jack Jack. They were just, you know, she said something like. I don't know. It wasn't Steve Buscemi teeth. No, you see those. Whoa, you could stop a fucking truck with those things a little bit, but not totally but anyway, um Yeah, and I remember I asked Joan once I said can I say what can I say to you?

Oh, what can I say and this is quintessential? She goes you could say anything you want as long as it's funny. Oh no shit Wow, and she said just make sure it's funny So the guys on the show by second season, I hated them. They hated me. The writers. Why? And one of them was just a big massage. And not I didn't hate all of them. In fact, one I still friends with.

But one of them, I couldn't stand them. And he was just kind of sending. Oh, sorry. Steve got his teeth fixed. Thank God. Thank you. Very British. But not British. Those things are ghoulish. No, they're not, that's mean. Bubba, he got his teeth fixed.

Thank God, Steve, you look fantastic with your teeth fixed. Or somebody just fixed them on screen. He has a tooth over a tooth, honey. Yeah, but, I mean. What? Defend that. Would you kiss him? Yeah.

On the first one? Yes. What? Look at me, look at me. Would you kiss him? Yeah. On the first one? Yes. What? Look at me. Look at me. Would you put that in your mouth? It might fall out. I would.

All right, whatever. I mean, not if he was like in a pizza delivery costume or something. I'd, that turns me on. Of course it does. If you feel like you've been living in a mall this holiday season Do me a favor make things easier and yourself with true classic true classic is the best-selling t-shirt Hoodies jeans and more they come in three six and nine packs

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shop now and unlock big savings during this huge holiday sale. Just go to my exclusive link, trueclassic.com slash dude to save big. That's trueclassic.com slash slash dude support the show and tell them we sent you end the year with holiday cheer thanks to true classic um was i was gonna tell you talking about this douche bag right so i'm doing the show and jones says do you want to hear this yes anyway i'm doing the show and the show and Joan one day had me come

to her apartment, you know, her penthouse. Yeah. And where was it? On 62nd or 63rd. West? Right on the park. Wow. So she has me come and we're gonna go to lunch,

but she goes, come out to my place first. Like she said, walk up, you know, like, I'll just pop up to the penthouse on Fifth Avenue. I mean, now every time I walked out, I was like green acres. Yeah, it's hilarious. Darling, I love you, but give me a fuck Avenue. So anyway, she was so old. Me and you know that reference. Oh, old. That was like our childhood.

I asked a kid the other day about Joan. And goes, who? Oh, God. And I was like, what is wrong with all of you? Isn't that fucked up? Is that that's where we're at now. Joan rib. They don't know who Joan is. It's so fucked up. It really upsets me actually. But I don't even know why I was telling you that other story. Because he was a dickhead. Yeah. there was something else I was going to tell you. Oh, I've been doing in my act, all this stuff. I just want you to weigh in and maybe give me a joke. I can use the new hour.

I, um, it's all about like the young feminists. Yeah. And I feel like they're very like, like two in your face. Yeah. And I have this idea that I think, well for example, I saw this young girl like, I'm not saying it right, you just made a funny face at me. I did? Yes. Oh my god, you're so fucking sensitive.

I really am. Come on Chubby, say it. See, you know, I can't make those jokes. I did the Joan thing to you. I've never called you Chubby. You're not Chubby. I did the Joan joke to you. And you took, back chubby. You're not chubby I did the Joan joke to you and you took set back in the day. You took the hit you went hey Yeah, well, it was John Bobby. I'm a 40 55 year old fucking balding fatso myself

I thought you got skinny again. What happened Wow that fucking that was pretty good When neither one of us look fat right now, we just look like we were stung. I think we both look a little swollen. I really. I deserve that. I deserve that. Am I getting fat again, guys? Don't let me get fat. I mean, thanks, Joe. What?

What? You got to feel this. Oh, my fuck. Did you just touch fat? That is fucking against fat rules. You could say, oh, oh, you just went. You got to feel this and then touched it. And I felt it. This right here, right here.

Because that's why I think my back's been hurting me. It's winter. I know, that's what I say. I put 16 pounds back on. Did you really? How did you lose the weight? Doing an old South Beach diet. South Beach?

Yeah. Holy shit, you did old school. Did you do aerobics too? I did jazzercise. You did jazzercise? No, I didn't, but I did. You know why? Because too? I did jazzercise. You did jazzercise? No I didn't, but I did, you know why? Because it was the one thing that always worked for my body, so why not?

I did Nutrisystem once, have you ever done that? Oh, the shakes? First of all they send you a casket of food. Yeah. And then my friend goes, is it working? I go, well you have explosive diarrhea. The farts on Nutrisystem, I had to stop doing it because people were like, bro, I can't be around you anymore.

They are... Me too. Dawn was like, Bob, Dawn, who wanted me to be skinny, was like, I'd rather live with a fat man than what's happening to this house. She would walk in and go, B, you gotta stop the Nutri system. There was something about like I would eat those snacks and B, like it was literally they would go in me and I like a fart would come right like. But no noise. No noise. No, it was just like, like pistons.

Yeah. It just like took it up and just went. And it can, it consumes spaces like a ghost. it didn't go away like a fart will happen and then go away these just hung around yeah like an apparition it would just be around you I think a lot of that food is like chemical swill I took one fart from upstairs downstairs it came down lingered it followed me like in your clothes it was It was so bad. I smelled the fart in my clothes once. It wasn't my fart. It was someone else's fart.

Somebody farted? I walked outside and still smelled it. It was my sister. We always knew when it was her because her farts all smell like popcorn and beef stew. I love beef stew and popcorn. Those smell like grapefarts. I love a nice dinty more. Have you ever smelled, like I was on the subway one day and it smelled like cream corn. Ugh. It was the most disgusting. Cream corn I find delicious. I smelled the fart one time that smelled like iron.

Iron? Yeah, like just blood shit. Ew, Bobby. Yeah, that was me. I hope you went to the hospital. That wasn't me. It was one of the, I'm not gonna shit. Ew, Bobby. Yeah, that wasn't me. I hope you went to the hospital. That wasn't me, it was one of the, I'm not gonna name his name, downstairs,

it was like, ugh, it like smelled like pennies. Oh, that's because he's eaten some strange, healthy, weird. I think he shit his pants. Who? You ever shit your pants? Sharded? Yes. Once when I was really sick as an adult I

Think I was like 19 or 20. That's not an adult. No, I was a kid You never shit as a woman you did it like four years ago, isn't that? No, it was like way longer ago than that because I've done it a couple times But but didn't my favorite story next to hitting Don in the face with the chicken and getting the prostate massage from the old lady. Oh yeah. I got that. Her hands were weak.

She had arthritis hands. And she had to use. Please tell that story. She had to use her knuckles. Well wait, I got this, I was into mature massages for a minute and I got this lady, she had to be like 70-something.

She had cotton candy hair. No, talk about her yard first when you pulled up and how you knew as you were going up. Well, we had to take an elevator, because she was so old, she had one of those old people elevators, and it was in the Hollywood Hills, and I remember when we went up and there was 100 cats,

and they were all staring at me like they knew what a piece of shit I cats. And they were all staring at me like they knew what a piece of shit I was. And I was, meow, meow. And they were like everywhere. Everyone just staring at me like I'm a garbage man for doing this to this woman. And didn't she snap gloves on or something?

Well, at the end of the massage she's like, okay sweetie. She was in like old terms. All right, sweetie pie. And then I went, not for nothing. It was 125, but wasn't there a prostate massage included in that? And she was like, you want that?

And I was like, if it's included, but if I have to spend extra, I'm good. She went over and got gloves. Did she have willoportin plan? She had to snap the gloves on. And then I remember her hand couldn't, her fingers couldn't bend open fully, so she just used her knuckles on my butt.

And I remember just looking at the cat's face with my head was, and the cat was just looking at me like, why are you doing this to me? Have you guys never heard this story? And wait, tell them at what you used to do to get the prostate massage, didn't you get like up into like an A-frame?

Oh, A-frame, Jesus Christ. I mean, gay men were like, that's gay. I mean, I presented. Oh my God. You were like, we were all talking to you one night and we were like, Bobby, how do you get a prostate? And you just ask for one and you go, oh no, you just inch your butt up

You just keep inching it up until it's way What you do is as they're massaging your legs and butt when they go near open your legs No, when you go they go near your asshole, it's like this. So they're rubbing my legs You know you can't make any sound and then when they're rubbing your legs Then they go over to your butt cheek and then they go down your ass crack you oh god And then you have to shut up again until they go back and then you just pick your butt up in the air and then like all right fag and you present got it fag then the guy comes in they tap a guy in well Were you, when she passed away, Joan,

cause there's so much, she went in for surgery to get something done. Like nodes or something. What's a node? In your throat? Yeah, vocal cord. She went in for a simple surgery. And did they fuck up?

In an office, oh yeah. They killed her they what she died i know she's dead but they did it i mean bob i i can't i don't want to talk about it because i don't know right but specifics and it but it and your show is actually a lot of people listen to it because there is a lot more of you answer this question Because there is a lot more of you answer this question. I mean, she's gone. She wanted to get this success. Actually, she would say whatever. She was going to go on last comic standing with like,

mentor with me. And I didn't get it. But they still we still shot the package with Joan and we're sitting at the table and she goes, did you get it? And I go, Oh no, they kicked me off like a week ago. And she goes, then what the fuck am I doing here? And she never cursed in public like that. All right. But she just said, but like under her breath, she said it to me and I was like, I don't know. It was really funny. She was annoyed. So yeah, she would have done anything to help any of our careers I know shit. I mean anything she was great. Yeah, she was such a good person Yeah, and she was very elegant offstage. Yeah. Yes, there's friends with the Royals real Miller and Charles. Yeah. Yeah, but she was very honest So honest and but also really hilarious like She always talked about Michelle Obama having a penis,

which was hilarious. I know. I mean, but you know what she did too, is she stuck up for the Jewish people. Like, really, like, adamantly didn't give a fuck. Always. But you also know that Joan was like, Mensa smart. She was brilliant. I didn't know that. Really smart know that really smart like really really really next level smart real genius. Yep, really

So so she but she goes in for the surgery and then she doesn't come out and it's like that's it We don't hear anything about it. I it's like she's just gone. That's like and people just wrote it off like, okay that happens I've never I've never been so devastated. I was on a plane. Did you know she was going in? No. I mean, we had done an episode about her not getting more surgeries and all this, but this was like an outpatient.

It wasn't even, she had lunch plans. Like it wasn't a big surgery that was, and I was on the plane leaving Georgia, I think, and I was in first class. And I'm only mentioning that because I think they were nicer to me because I was in first class because as the doors were being closed, I hear one flight attendant say to the other one up front, did you hear Joan Rivers is in a coma?

And I'm like, what? And I'll get upset because it was such a strange thing. I've never been in that, obviously been in that situation where I lost someone in the public eye. And I had such empathy for like the Royals and all these people because you can't grieve without someone, for her funeral, I had comics, certain comics, like saying to me like, Oh, do you have a plus one for the funeral? I'm like, uh, gross. No.

Get the hell away from me. But when I, and when I got there, they were, they, they were so kind. Well, first I said to the flight attendant, I'm actually friends with, and then now I'm crying. I'm sitting in first class crying them And I heard coma I start crying and I'm like, do you have any idea what happened? Because they're just told us turn your phones off and stuff and I'm trying to look and she goes. Oh my god um I'm gonna call

Can you wait one sec? Let me just get us up in the air I will I will ask our captain and have him check so they came back to me and she said she is had a procedure of some kind and is in a coma and Their their doctors are saying they're hopeful and I mean I cried the whole flight, worried and praying. And then the minute I mean, I was still on the plane the minute and she said weren't like it was even before we were landing. She said you can use your phone. And I texted the assistant and Sabrina and Sabrina wrote back. We're in LA we're on our way. We're in LA, we're on our way, we're leaving for the airport.

You know, we're staying positive, please pray. We'll call us when you get to town, we'll call you. I said, okay, so I knew all the nieces and nephews and grandchildren, so I called and said, listen, if you guys can use me for anything, like babysit the kids or something, let me know. And Sabrina goes, No, come over. But come in through the back and I get there. There's paparazzi everywhere. Like it was it was just the roughest week of my life this far, probably. It was pretty

rough. And well, my dog died was pretty rough, too. But I I got in there. And you know, there's like a VIP part of the hospital for well known people and stuff. And I see Melissa. And she goes, Melissa was the most beautiful person I wish for two seconds that I could be a little bit like her when my mom's not here anymore because she was generous She said do you want to see mommy and I said no Mel? That's okay You know, I don't know. I didn't want to steal her. I don't want to say thunder, but it but she's the daughter It's like, you know, and I said Whatever you want is fine with me and she said okay and she goes have you ever been in ICU? I'm like, yeah Melissa I have some decorum about me, but she pulled the curtain back and and there she was just like a little wounded bird with like the head wrap and her I remember looking at her nails and Her nail polish was chipped and I thought oh god

she would not want people in and out of here and and And I thought, Oh, God, she would not want people in and out of here. And, and I said, Joan, whatever you do, don't go into the light. And Melissa laughed and said, I'm getting you a chair where you sit with her. And I just sang and talked to her. But then a couple days later, they were reporting that she's being moved into a private bed. And I already got the call from Sabrina that said come now. And I called my mom, I'm like, it can't be good, right? My mom's like, into a private bed. And I already got the call from Sabrina that said come now. And I called my mom, I'm like, it can't be good, right? My mom's like, it's not good. And now when they pulled the curtain back, she hadn't

been put in the room yet. show tunes were playing and her favorite blanket was on her. Her nails were done perfectly. Her hair was done perfectly. She was so loved you could see and when I got to the temple, Bobby, you weren't there. I didn't get you plus one. No, the whole place smelled like these orchids that Joan used to always give everyone if someone passed away. But it was it was the whole back wall was these huge paper orchids. And

they sprayed her perfume in the aisles and my I walked in my Leap knees locked I couldn't even I thought oh god, I'm gonna faint and I'm my friend walked by and I said Conrad Help me and he goes, okay. You okay? And I said, all right This is a lot and he's like, come on and he goes wait till you see where we're sitting Because we all had assigned seats. Yeah. Can I just tell you in front of me was Melania and Donald Trump. And Judge Judy, that whole crew. Yeah. Then in front of them was Melissa and everybody. Then behind me was Kelly Osborne.

At one point, the whole service was hilarious and funny and so sad. And at one point, Kelly Osborne, Audra McDonald was singing, smile, you know, smile even though your heart is breaking. And Kelly Osborne was going, ah! And I said to my friend, oh, I wish I missed the days when she was a cutter, a silent cutter.

He goes, Joan would to love that joke. Well, if people don't know, like, when comics pass away or people in the industry, the wake or whatever it is, is the fun. It's usually very inappropriate. It's inappropriate. And Patrice's was fucking hilarious. I didn't get to go to Patrice's. I went to Manny's, which was fun.

Manny's was funny. That's the owner of the comedy cellar. The original owner, Manny Gn was Manny's was funny the guy that's the owner of the comedy seller The original owner Manny Gnomes father his was hilarious Have you ever had Dan Aderman on this show a long time ago? So is everybody listening like Dan talks like this? Well, my name is Dan Aderman and so when Manny died everyone was putting dirt on his on his grave. Yeah, and Everyone was putting dirt on his on his grave. Yeah, and Natterman it was rainy that day and Natterman had a trench coat on Yeah with the collar popped. Yeah, and he put the dirt and we were all standing. I think you were with us and vas

Comes up behind those things Don't worry, manny. I'll get to the bottom of this if it's the last time I do because he's wearing that trench coat At gilbert godfrey's funeral,rey's funeral, Jeff Ross's first thing he said was, one final time, Gilbert stuck us with the bill. That's funny. I used to say all the time, I used to open for him all the time at Caroline's. And one day I just walked up very nicely and said, if you pay him in anything other than pudding,

you guys are idiots. That sucks, man. Yeah, we lost a lot of great ones, man. A lot of great comedians. William? William Stephenson, Patrice. You know, for the longest time, Patrice's, well, they weren't married. What is she, like a widow, fiance?

I think you call it a a fiance? No, a bottom bitch. I think you call it a fiance. No, it's a bottom bitch. I think that's who we hear. That's my bottom bitch. So for the longest time, I see this sometimes, Bobby, I know you're going to make fun of me. But I said to her, does Patrice have a pink polo shirt? And she goes, yeah, he loved it pink, his pink polo shirt with it.

And I go, a blue polo guy. And she goes, yeah, he loved it pink, his pink polo shirt with it. And I go, a blue polo guy. And she goes, yeah. And I said, did he wear it here? Or would there be pictures? I'd see him in it. And she goes, no, it was kind of like one of his fancy. I go, he has it on. I would see him in the booth every now and then.

And he has a pink polo shirt with a little blue polo man, and I just see him smiling and nodding. Where? At the Comedy Cellar booth. For months after he passed, I saw him. Wait a minute. Like a flash. Like you would see him, like a ghost. No, I would see a flash of,

when you see things like that. Yeah. For me, they've always appeared as flashes. Right. So I wasn't sure if it was a ghost or just like his spirit. Hanging out. That fucking makes me mad. Why didn't he appear to me? Well, they appear to people who are looking for him. I was looking for him. I got his dumb hat over here for years. I've never seen him up here.

It was funny, he just came down right now. Yeah, it's weird. I feel people a lot. Are you into like that psychic stuff? No, I'm Christian, so I'm not into too much of that. You can't be? You gotta believe in Jesus? Well, you can, but you can't really believe that.

I don't know, I just believe, I just know what I know. And like, I would never charge anybody for anything I felt because it's not even, I'm not even always right. Like, I just, sometimes I'll see something. Like, I used to be really good at guessing who was gonna win a football game. What? I'm still pretty good at it.

Tell me who's gonna win this weekend, Pats. Pats versus who? I forget. Who's playing this weekend? Let's make some money, guys. Now we're talking too much. It might not work. Why?

It only works if you don't talk about it. Like if you give it to me and I say a little prayer and I think. If I don't do this and then just say it to her so she can say. Pats versus Cardinals this weekend. Well, I feel like the Cardinals are gonna I don't know if they'll win. But they're gonna they're gonna do good out of the gate, I think. Great. And I think it'll be a surprise. Are they not supposed to win? No, the Cardinals win.

The Patriots suck. So are the Cardinals a favorite to win? How about this? Real quick, am I going to make it? Let me ask you a question because me and you, we've been in the business for a long time. You've been told, I've been told you're the funniest motherfucker. We're the funniest people. We're funny. Oh my God. I've never been to a for a long time. You've been told, I've been told, you're the funniest motherfucker, we're the funniest people, we're funny,

oh my God, I've never been to a fucking blah, blah, blah. And then you- I don't even know if I can pay all my bills this month. Like, that's how sad my life is. Really? Where are you living? Well, I did have a place in Florida. My mom had a place, and we lost them to the last hurricane.

It's gone. Gone. Gone. So. Where are you living now? Well, I mean, I have my place here. Your apartment here. Yeah. And then my ex and I just broke up very recently and I have what's what we got out of the

houses is my mom has a storage unit and I have a room at his house. Are you staying with him? Just for like January, February, and then normally I would stay for season and come back like in May. So you stay in Florida for the winter. I can't, not for the, I usually do. So this time I'm just staying for like two months

and coming back. So you're in Florida staying with your ex in a room. Isn't that uncomfortable? Well he's got, no it's a big house. Oh so he has a house. He's got his own room, yeah. So you're staying in a room. Isn't that uncomfortable? Well, he's got no, it's a big house. Oh, she has a house got his own room. Yeah. So you're staying in a and he and my mom's staying right now in her boyfriend's. She has a boyfriend. Your mom has a boyfriend. 80 years old. So she's staying with her boyfriend in an RV in his RV because he lost his house in the first

hurricane last year. Jesus Christ. Sandy, not Sandy, what was it called? Ian. So do you guys ever fool around? Me and Steve. Not your mother's boyfriend. Oh, I hope not.

Oh. No, the guy you're with, is it over? Hi, Steve. Yeah, it's kind of over. Oh, Bob, so I have a new joke about how there's only like a couple sex positions I'll do. Now at my age, one is sleepy in the grass. That's where I just like kind of lay there.

Then I do side sleepy both sides. And then I won't get on top, which is true. And I won't, I'll do doggy style. My joke is I won't do like Yorkie style. I'm not gonna have sex like a three year old Yorkie. I'm more of like a master 13 year old golden retriever dying on your kitchen with a bad hip. I say you have to roll my hip to get me up. I go just kind of

fuck me into a patch of sun. Put some wine in a water bowl. And your pubes fall out like an old dog's hair. Totally. You have to limp brush your cock when you're done fucking. I have hot spots. Oh, why? And no, so, I mean, yeah, we had sex probably a couple months ago.

So you are still banging. No, just a couple months ago. I just saw him a month ago and we didn't. Oh, God. Like six months ago, maybe. saw him a month ago and we didn't, like six months ago maybe. So I mean, when the joke is we were doing sleepy grass, this is true. And I see him picking my leg up and putting it on his shoulder and not picking it and I was even thinner picking

it up like it's one of those logs that you build to hold it. And I go, what are you doing? And he goes, shut up for a minute, I wanna see something. I'm like, I'm gonna see if we both fit in the ambulance. On the way to the hospital. Me and Dawn tried to bang in the summer and we have the tiny house. Oh that's right, you have your tiny house.

We have a tiny house, but we have to, the ceilings are too low and I hit my head once, so now we have to the ceilings are too low when I hit my head once so now we have to bang Like two dead people She'll have an outside shower No, I'm not gonna fuck her outside. I don't want to see a 50 year old pussy in the Sun Do it at night while the moon might get who can't do it out night some bear might attack us I don't want to fuck out. Oh, yeah, you and daughter so sexy all the bears are gonna come kidding

No, they're probably gonna smell her fucking Enough enough. Sorry. All right Like they're all laughing It's uh, well, it's we leg it man I'm 54 I feel like I still got it. You're only 54. Yeah. Why and why is that beard? My beard why is it so great? And why is that beard? My beard? Why is it so gray?

This is the problem with the fucking beard. I have gray hair. I've had gray hair since I was 30. I'm Irish. I mean, I think it looks handsome. I just, when I walked in, I'm like. Is it too old? What?

Everybody tells me, this is what I think. This is my theory with people. People who want you to look old and not good tell you your beard looks great. I love the beard. Keep the beard. Oh my God, you look sexy with the beard. And people who are real are like,

dude, you look fucking old with that thing. Here's what I think. I don't think, I think you got like, because of the hairs coming, you've got some nice little shine, some hair there. It's got a little bit of a, what's his name? The one that Bruce Willis see? Yeah, kind of luck. Okay. And I would like it when if the beard filled in a little bit right

here. I can't. Oh, it won't fill in. No, it won't fill in. Take the headsets off so I can see you look like a director is what you look like. Oh, fuck me. I mean, look, you do look you do look older. Okay, I don't think it means you don't look handsome. I think you're fat and old. You're not fat. You called me fat. I said you don't think it means you don't look handsome. I think I'm fat and old You're not fat. You called me fat. I said you look stung you stung is fat And I'm touch my fat. You just called me chubby. I told you you could look there's some meaty pieces Yeah, that that's the worst part that's the worst right here that's why I think my back went out Everyone's like, what do you mean? I'm like, I know I've gained more weight because when I'm

sitting on my own fat, it's really awful. Here's a problem with fat. But you don't look. First of all, no, I want to say something. What? You know, I've always stood by that you're one of the best looking comics. You are always the most handsome.

Even fat? Please, fat doesn't change the most handsome. Even fat? Please, fat doesn't change the gun, so let me see it. That is a fucking good one. Oh yeah. Well, here's the thing. Fat does change the guns. But here's the thing. I was on stage tonight.

I did put on, I must have put on weight because tonight I was like. Not a lot. I said I used to be fat and a guy goes, you still are. No, you're not fat. Stand up. Let me see you. No.

Why not? I don't want to. All right. Oh, you're a baby. Oh, no, you don't look chunky. Look, you've got stuff. Oh, no, you don't. There's stuff in there.

Oh, okay. No, you don't look fat. I don't believe you. I don't look fat. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I mean, there was a point when you looked skinny. Skinny?

When the fat means I got fat! No, first of all, I didn't like you that skinny. Why? Because one, it makes you look older. Oh God, I'm old, I'm fat, I'm skinny, I'm fat again. First of all, Robert, you're one of the best looking comics of all comics. Okay, keep going.

You know that, I've always told you that. Have you guys seen his arms? All right, stop going to the arms. I love your arms. Go somewhere else. I don't look at other things. And your eyes,, beautiful brown eyes. That took you fucking 10 seconds.

No, because I was thinking of something and then I was like, that's inappropriate. My cock? No. Oh, my balls. I'm sure your cock is like it reminds me that it would be like a salt shaker. A salt shaker like a well at a diner or a fancy restaurant. Like really thick. Like like what kind of salt shaker? Like a... At a diner or a fancy restaurant? Like really thick. Like what kind of salt shaker? And...

What kind of... Like the little diner ones? Or are you talking like a fancy restaurant? Like a fancy restaurant. What kind of fancy? Like a Del Frisco's? Like yeah, like the kind that have the little... I mean, let's not get carried away.

Not as big as that. No, mine's more like a soy sauce bottle. Yes. It's really, it's nice at the bottom, it gets really thin at the top. No, it doesn't. I said, you seem like you would have a thick penis. Does it matter?

I think Collins would be like long and skinny. Yeah, it's weird, it's Irish. Yeah, less long and skinny. His dick look like it has an attitude. Like looking at you like with your one eye. What are you doing, Mady? He's wearing a snap cap. Yeah, exactly.

Voss's is just old and dirty. This is, I know Keith is just a monster, but it's ashy. Keith's dick is like white from ash. It has like an ashy hat. Yeah. Yeah, what do you think Voss is? Oh, I'm sure Voss is like really shaved. No, Voss is.

I don't think it's unkept. I think it's old. I think it has a lot of like, Bonnie, you like it better like this? I've seen Voss's penis, and it's just a regular dick. That's not bad. It's just a regular old penis. What penises have you seen in the comedy world?

Norton. Nice piece. I believe that. Definitely a gay dick. What makes it just just perfect. He's got a perfect dick. Anybody could put in his mouth. That's nice. I've never seen Collins. Thank God. I don't think Collins would be like,

I think it's like a circus pencil. Well like long and thin I Think it's more like a tootsie pop like it's tiny. Well, I know he had to get circumcised at like 30 Getting it re circumcised. He always tells that story where he didn't go back in I had to get it re circumcised So they had to like wait he had to get him re circumcised which meant they left like a dickie on it They fucked up when they did it wrong when he was a kid. So it was like a dickie. It had like a little, it was like a half turtleneck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A mock turtleneck. A mock turtleneck. Yeah, so I know that. Like one of those ones that you just stick in. I've seen Keith's, Keith's is huge. Keith's is? He's a piece, he's got a big piece.

I believe that. He's got big dick energy. Yeah, he does. And Artie's is like anaconda. And it's just, it shouldn's got a big piece. I believe that. He's got big dick energy. Yeah, he does. And Artie's is like Anaconda. And it shouldn't be in the game. What about DC? DC's got a nice one. Does he?

He's got to. I've never seen it. But that's why you know it's nice. He always looks like central casting homeless to me. He's handsome. Good looking guy. Yeah, he, Greer. Greer's got a big piece.

Really? Yeah, I think Attell's got a small penis. I really think he's small. There's gotta be, I mean. I don't even think of Attell. His penis? As a penis. What if he didn't have one?

That's why he's so funny. I'm gonna be like a eunuch. Yeah, it's like a Barbie doll. Oh my God, that's a good question. If you, like you could be Barbie. Oh my god. That's a good question if you Like you could be the next George Carlin, yeah, but you had to give up your dick Yeah, I give it up. You really would I don't use it. Anyways It gets in my way. Would you discuss it with Donna? You would just say I gave my dick away today for fame

I jerk off now like when you have to turn on an old car just to get the stuff out of the muffler Yeah, I kind of do that too. I do that. I'm just now, like when you have to turn on an old car just to get the stuff out of the muffler. Yeah, I kinda do that too. I do that, I'm just like, all right, let me get this out because I don't want it to clog up. Yeah, I do it because I heard that vaginas can drop out. Ugh, ugh. Like they can fall out. Out of your body?

Out of your body, which is why people like, my friend who is a gynecologist said, this old lady stuck a potato up there in the south to keep it in, and the eyes fell off inside her and grew like roots. They grew roots in her vagina? Oh, you can grow shit in pussies? Yeah.

That's fucked up. What if you could put a cigar up there to keep it fresh? Like a humidor. I wanted to put traps up there to keep it fresh? Like a humidor? I wanted to put traps up there. A what? A trap. For what? Like if somebody ever attacked you or anything, you could just clench.

Like a mousetrap? Yeah, or like little teeth would come out. Like a diaphragm with teeth. Oh, God. What's a diaphragm? That's a... What's a fucking diaphragm? You know what a diaphragm is?'s an old... What's a fucking diaphragm? You know what a diaphragm is?

I don't. What is it? It's the old protection. Oh, the... You put it up in your... And it pops out? Yeah, like it pops out. You put it up and then it whoop and it blocks the jizz.

Yeah. But it didn't work all the time? Right. Right, because you have a guy with a big dick who would just push it sideways. And then you had to go in and get it out. I think I saw a girl put one in once and I almost threw up.

Yeah, but like sometimes I heard girls would get like stinky to go in and get it out. I think I saw a girl put one in once and I almost threw up. Yeah, but like sometimes I heard girls would get like stinky because they changed it out or they left it to them. It's just filled with jizz like a shingle. Have you ever been with someone that their vag was so smelly you said no? Yes. Really?

One of the hottest girls I've ever been with who I was in love with. Until you got some of her stink fad. Well, it just happened, and I remember she was, we had sex, and then she went to blow me, and she went, ugh, and I go, it's not me. Oh my God. I go, it's not me.

She goes, I know. I go, well, fix it. Fix it. Oh, she smelled herself on you. Like snake shit. What was it from? Her pussy was dying. I don't know. I didn't fuck with her again.

I was like, forget that. It was terrible. It was terrible. Wait, and she didn't say like, I'm sorry, I have a disease. No, she did not. She just she was a stripper, though. What am I going to expect? Oh, my God. It was just a bunch of other guys.

Jizz is like, I don't know. I can't find my thong It's my boss's load So anyways Lynn we're gonna wrap me blame the 12 guys before you exactly we're gonna wrap this up, but you are I'm sorry. I'm low energy today. No, it's fine. There's good to see you Let me tell you something one of the funniest people in the world. I fucking love you. I'm sorry I'm low energy today. No, it's fine. Lynn, it's good to see you. Let me tell you something. One of the funniest people in the world, I fucking love you. I'm sorry about your house. I'm sorry about Joan.

This is so depressing. I'm sorry about your dog. I came on soda, my dog's fine. I know the clip's gonna be just sad. I know, it's really sad and I just realized like I really didn't do my hair or anything. I'm not feeling good. You look beautiful.

One of the prettiest female comics in the game, still. Not still, thank you. You're a little chubbier, but listen, the thing is, you called me fat. You started. You touched it. You said chubby first. You touched it.

Let me do a breast test. Go ahead. Ow, I hurt my, ow, ow, ow. What? I cramped up on my tit flexin'. Ah, rub my tit, rub my tit, ow, ow. I cramped up on my tit flexin'. Rub my tit, rub my tit. I cramped up, I was trying to flex.

Oh, that hurts so bad. That hurts so bad. Let me feel yours. No, mine are gross and big right now. Yours are huge. Do I look really chubby right now? No, you look beautiful. You really do. This is why people listening have to know

that Robert and I have been friends for so long. Do you remember that time we were going to Just For Laughs, and I was on a diet, and I stood up, and I go, Bobby, do you think it's okay to open this hard-boiled egg? And you go, no, I just saw your head, and you go, no, Lynn, no. Somebody get that egg from her. Get it from her. You were hitting from her, get it from her. You were hitting people, please get them from her.

All these people from Montreal and stuff looking at you and me like, what? And you're like, grab the egg out of her hand, ma'am. Please take that egg from her. I think if I ever do something where I need a wife, I would love you to play it. We would be so fun. Oh, we'd be great.

And I'd write in sex scenes every week. Just you lying on your side. The two of us going out, out, out, stop. I'm dehydrated. Charlie horse, Charlie horse. Rub my tit, rub my tit. Spit on it. It fell out.

Let me tell you what else. Why are there potato roots in your potato? When I have sex, there's a lot of like, hey, my show's coming on. Can we wrap this up? I used to really like sex, and now I just, I don't know. I haven't had sex. I like sex with, I would love sex with a new person. No, I'm kidding.

Look, I'm gonna bang Dawn tonight for you. Yeah, put a wig on her. What? A wig? Why would I put a wig on her? Like, if you ever feel like you need strange. I'm gonna put a top wig on her. What? A wig? Why would I put a wig on her? Like if you ever feel like you need strange. I'm gonna put a top hat on her and I'm gonna be telling her fucking Abe Lincoln.

I'm gonna be telling her fucking Abe Lincoln. I'm gonna be telling her fucking Abe Lincoln. You guys, where can people see you live? For school. Live? Where am I, what am I doing now? Oh, I'm gonna be in Florida at New Year's Eve at SideSplitters.

I love SideSplitters. Yeah, I'm gonna be in at McCurdy's. Love McCurdy's. Valentine's, I love it. Oh, that's great. And I'm doing, there's a couple other ones I have. There she is, you're on Pun, that's me. Winter Haven in March.

Where can people go see your days? Oh, they can go to my Instagram or just Google Lynn Coplitz. You have a website? Yeah it's bad. What is it? I have one. I don't even know. Lynn, what the fuck is happening? I don't know one of the things is at Lynn Coplitz. Bob, and the world has put me down. I'm not, I'm telling you, I'm also, if anyone has a job, I'm looking for employment.

I really would like to work for TSA. What do you tell me? We're done talking? What do you do? What do you do? Oh, my dates. Danny has autism and he doesn't know when to not do things. Or not say things.

I just didn't know when to not do things or not say things. I just didn't know what I was like. And I know his face fucking frightens you too. It just shot up like a muppet. He shot up and then he was like, I'm like, should I shut up? Is someone controlling that with a hand?

Go check it out. I have, yeah, just. Keep touching that. I know. What's wrong with you? It's really nice, who made it? I'll get you one. Look at me.

Make sure you check out Lynn Goblet, she's one of the funniest people on Earth. I'm doing a new hour, because I'm trying to sell it. Right. Listen, anybody? I need this, what I'm gonna do, because I was told, oh no, you should TikTokck and all this I'm not doing any of that Here's what we're gonna do I need everyone to write all the networks you want a letter

If you have a quill and some ink a text or maybe one of those wax stamps Oh wax never you want to send a text so they have to get the number to the network. Oh, yeah, I'll get those. Can I come on the show again? Absolutely. Come back on and just tell them Lynn's funny and we'll watch her. So fun. Make sure you check her out. She's hilarious. We're going to go to Patreon and we have questions from the fam real quick. If you can stick around for a couple of seconds, make sure you check out punch up dot

live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. Kansas City, Batavia, Illinois, I'm gonna be in Long Island, I'm all over the fucking place coming up. Go there for all my dates, go to YouTube slash at Robert Kelly comedy for all my stand up. Kill Box is going up there on the 16th,

so make sure you subscribe over there. And patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you want to watch the show live and you want to be in the chat you want the extra show with me and mush why kid that be the extra extra make sure you go there and make sure you please check out link office boys what do you got I mean follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and come to comedy at verve in Somerville New Jersey the third Thursday of every month awesome hey you like cheese and comedy go on to YouTube type in the cheese show

It's me Joe and my wife eating cheese And I'd be real swell if you give me a follow on Instagram and Zachary unlimited they'll be awesome. Thanks too much Zach Too much you gotta find a middle ground. Before it was terrible, so I was trying to tone it up. Yeah, you went too far. Hey, Swell, you turned into a fucking old sing song, like in the 20s.

Be you, Zach. Be you. What girls do you have on this? What do you mean? Women working on? I'm gonna do a podcast. We'll do a podcast. You wanna, what girls do I have working for me? I would never hire a woman. No, I mean. Uh, uh. Uh. We'll do a podcast. You want to, what girls I have working for me?

I would never hire a woman. No. Uh. Uh. Yeah, clean that up. Listen, the thing is, no, I'm kidding. I'm Lynn. This is why we have such a great relationship.

We make each other mad and I usually make you mad and you get violently angry at me and then you laugh. Make sure you check out, we're gonna go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now and ask her questions. We'll see you guys next time on, you know what dude?