Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #569 | Judy Gold | Your Son's D***

Episode Date: January 12, 2025

This week on YKWD Judy Gold joins the show to teach Bobby how to eat p***y Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you I'm ruining this. Where's the bar banner, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. Original. Hey, what's up everybody? We are live above the Comedy Cellar at the Comedy Cellar Studios. YKWD and my guest today, a long time friend of mine, long time. Long. Long. Long, long, long. I mean long.

But I fell in love with you immediately. Judy Gold, I fell in love with you too. I mean, I just thought you were the greatest. And it's changed, no. You were just so funny and so handsome, now you look like you, now that you lost weight, you have that, you know. The sexy back?

Yeah. A little bit, but I'm old. We're talking about being old. I know, like, all right, here's what I wanted to say, because I said I wanna talk about this with you, because I don't think, all right, here's, here's what I wanted to say, because I said, I want to talk about this with you because I don't think, you know, when I started doing standup, I was 19 years old. Yeah. I've been working at this at the cellar since 1987. Holy shit, when it started.

Oh my God. I used to sit in the back with Darrell Hammond. Wow. God, I used to sit in the back with Darrell Hammond. Wow. I mean, it was Jon Stewart and I was, oh, I've told you this before, but I was there the first time David Tell went on stage. David Tell. Yeah. No shit.

I was emceeing at Comedy U Grand on 55 Grand Street in SoHo. Was that gone by the time you started? I never knew about it. And he was an NYU student, and he came in, and I was him saying, and I thought he was so fucking funny. From the get-go. From the get-go, he did this bit about how every girl

has anorexia now, he walked by Macy's, and the mannequins had their fingers just stuck, stuck down their throats. I mean, I just was like, he is so funny. He's like, no, it sucks. I was like, no, you're really funny. But anyway. He's still the same way. I know, but he's such a great guy.

But you know what affects me now? I remember years ago, when I was probably in my 30s, I called Colin Quindle when he was in his 50s, and he got mad at me, he never got mad at me. He was like, fuck you, call me old, go fuck, and I didn't understand it, because I didn't understand, I was just joking. Were you joking?

We've said the meanest shit to each other, but I called him old, and he kind of got mad at me, and I was like, why? He kind of fucking bummed me out. I was like, what is that? And now, you get called old from the younger whoever it is. And it's like, because we don't, the thing you're talking about, we don't realize it. Right. That's the thing. It's like, it's like it hits you. I'll get up and I'll be like, oh, I have time to do. I'm like, no, I don't.

I have maybe a good 20 years left. 20 years. 25. I used to have that joke on my act, I have 30 summers left. That was six years ago. Yeah. It's, and so I wonder,

cause I love standup. You love stand, we're standup. We're stand-ups. We are stand-ups more than anything. I've tried to get away from it a lot. Right, you can't. Real stand-ups can't. And so I sit at the cellar, which is like my home, you know, and I wonder what all these young comics,

like are they thinking, God, I hope I don't end up, I hope I don't end up. No, they're not even thinking that. They're thinking about how much money can I make, how famous can I get, how big can I get. I feel like comedy now is a job. It's a legitimate fucking job. When we did it, it was terrible.

It was a terrible choice in life. It was like, you told, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna do stand up comedy. Why? What are you gonna follow? Do you have another? There's no way you're gonna ever make a living. You tell it, you tell it.

If a young comic goes home, I'm gonna do a stand up. Oh my God, good for you! You know, because it's such a fucking, it's a thing now, it's good. And everyone thinks they can do it. And they can. No, they can. It seems like that.

No, but I mean, I feel like you really, you did the social media thing. Yeah, but I never did, here's the thing with social media. I always peeked too early, you know what I mean? Yeah, well you do that when we slept together, same thing. First of all, we never slept together. Oh, we didn't. And you said you weren't gonna talk about that.

And that's fucked up. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. But you were like happy you were the only guy. Yeah, I know, but the fact that we slept together and I said, listen, you can't tell anybody this Because I don't want people to know that I fucked you Do you understand? Yeah, that's gonna room. I have a rep to protect I know and you really fuck a lot of hot chicks. I did now I'm married

Yeah, what's with the wide eyes and when I fuck you I know every guy comic on the fucking road I know what they do. So shut the fuck up. I don't, you think I cheat? No, I don't. You just said it. No, I don't. You just said it. There's a few that I don't think cheat. Are you fucking ratting guys out on the road? No, oh God.

Fuck me, they all fucking. Lesbians cheat more than fucking dudes. I don't cheat, because I can't live with myself. I'm too mental. You don't cheat? No, I've never cheated. Then what did we do together? Oh, right.

Yeah, how about that? How about that? Remember when you told me to crawl up you like Everest? Yeah. Remember when you made me crawl up your body? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it took like eight minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I finally made it to the peak? Yeah. Right, and my dick, I couldn't put my, I either had to kiss you or fuck you. Right. Kiss you or fuck, I had to, and then I had to go back down and pump. And we were laughing so hard. Well, you were laughing, I was crying and I go back down and pump and we go back

laughing so well you were laughing I was crying and I was exhausted shut the fuck up fuck you fat JC just wrote in the comments you should have flipped their coin regarding who gets to wear the glasses that's funny we are we have cool glasses let me see your glass your Your your prescription. Yeah. Are yours? Same exact. Are these Jacques Marie's? No, they're C. What the fuck is this? They're so fucking filthy. Yeah. Wow. You're blind as a fucking Jew. I have an astigmatism like every other. Oh my god. Both of your eyes are fucking I know bad. Holy God. Well, one's better than

the other. I'll take mine off. I'll let you wear them. So we don't look like two fucking, we look like two dykes on a podcast. Are you, I know. Are you. What, gay? No, not anymore. I was scared.

I know you had a little. Oh what the fuck is that? I'm kidding. But are those reading glasses? These are reading glasses, yeah. Oh, mine are real, okay. What do you mean? What the fuck does that mean?

I have them for distance and reading. Yeah, but mine are real. I can't read without them, right? But did the doctor prescribe that? Yes, the doctor prescribed it. Okay. Okay Alright, can we go back to the comedy? Yeah, you're old Okay, so there's that I do think I have street cred. You have what? Street cred. With what? With the comics. Oh, with the comics. Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant with the rappers.

No. You ever date a black guy? No. You ever date a black girl? No. When was the last time you had penis? Oh God, 1982. Fuck.

Two, 1982. You had penis during AIDS. Yeah, but he was straight. Was he? Yeah. And then, oh listen was straight. Was he? Yeah. And then, oh, listen to this. And then I go to this, I go to Florida to do a book thing.

And this woman is like, comes up to me at the book fair. I don't know, some fucking Jewish book fair. She was like, you fucked my husband, no. Yes! She goes, you dated my husband. And I wanted to say, and that's why I'm a lesbian now. No. I didn't, but I wanted to.

Oh God, he had the biggest, I've told you this, he had the biggest dick. It was like 10 inches long. Oh God. I fucking hated it, I hated every minute of it. Well, how, what do you get, mediocre dildos? Okay. What size dildos do you get? The tightest.

Oh, you're the top. Yeah. So you have the penis. I'm the butch. Oh, this interests me. Yeah. Okay, so when you're the top. You're the top.

Yeah. You're the coliseum. Yeah, go ahead. You're the child. Your camera's that way. I know but I was looking at this. Wait is that my camera? That's your camera yeah.

Okay yeah what do you want to know about lesbo sex? I want to know a lot. Okay what do you want to know? I want to know because you're like an original lesbian. Yeah, I'm an original, I'm not queer. I'm queer, I'm queer, I can't stand the fuck. What is that? What is that? What is queer? First of all, stop micromanaging everything, you know, like I'm a, I'm a, you know, cis non-binding, like I can't just fucking be who you are and fuck who you want and shut the fuck up.

Okay, so with all the stuff going on. Yes, I do feel trans people are in a terrible situation. I think they're in a great situation. Why? Because they're at the precipice, did I use that word? Yeah, that was good. We're at the precipice where you guys were that word? Right? Yeah, that was good. We're at the precipice, where you guys were at, maybe 80s, 90s, right?

Where? Right, where violence and, yes, I actually talked about this. I think they're at the precipice, where it's gonna, alright guys, you're just gonna, nobody gives a shit about gays anymore. I know. We don't care.

I know, we fought so hard. You fought so hard, and now we know. And now no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit. But I remember when I came out on stage, I know. We don't care. I know. We fought so hard. You fought so hard and now we know. And now no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit. I remember when I came out on stage, like the audiences, you could feel. Yeah. Like some people would get up and leave.

Right. You know, some people would, you know, complain. And now I go in and I see like, it's not even a blink of an eye. Nobody cares. And the other shitty part of this is, I got so many movie and TV shows as a woman disguised as a man. I buy that.

And now it goes to a trans person. Because they're in costume. Yeah, they're really, yeah. They're showing up. Well, it's funny, you know, I think that it is getting normalized. You look at people, guys with, you know, people friends of mine that are married to trans,

no one cares, it's getting to the point we don't. Are we talking about James? Jimmy, Jimmy James. Jim and Norton. Who's the bottom in that relationship. But, I know. We do. Sorry, Jim.

But, he's in love with her. And they are such a good couple. Great couple. I mean, they fight a lot. They fight like a married couple. But it's getting to the point where we're like, all right, nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. Go be trans.

Jim's one of the boys, one of the boys. He is one of the guys. No, he is. He's one of the guys. Do you think like 25 years ago, if he said, look, Yeah. I'd like trans women. Yes. He could come out on his radio show and say shit like that?

No, he couldn't. No, he could not on Opien Anthony. That's why he innuendoed it all the time, joking around and people were like, is he really, and I knew, he confided in me. But he still dated girls and he was like, trying to blah, blah, blah. But now it's getting to the point where in 10 years,

nobody's gonna give a fuck about Trent. Let's hope so. No, but look at here. The way I look at it, I don't give a fuck what you do with your holes. But just don't bug me. Don't bug me. Don't touch my hole. No, but I look at here, the way I look at it, I don't give a fuck what you do with your holes. Right. But just don't bug me. Right. Don't bug me. Don't touch my hole.

No, touch my hole. I would love a tranny to touch my hole. Really? I'm just married to a fucking what? Would you have sex with a trans woman? No. So you really want that vagina there? You like the vagina?

Here's the reason why. Women there's a certain, I feel like guys or women or whatever. I like the way a girl is the passion in a woman. There's like a dirty female thing and I'm not saying trans women don't have that, but it's like, I don't know, there's something about that dirty girl, I like being the guy, I like being, you know what I mean? I personally. Yeah, I like being the conductor of the symphony.

Yeah, I don't wanna have somebody whip their huge hog out of my chest. Right, right. And me to feel bad. Well, you're not attracted to the, I hate the penis. Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen a lot, I've seen my kids' penises. Right. When we were little. Yeah, ugh, what?

I just, I have. Can I, let me ask, let me ask. Like when I was changing their diaper, shut the fuck up. What I'm talking about. I wanna ask you about, I wanna talk about your son's penis. No, I've seen it.

Now, look at the thing. Now, I know, he fucked all the, both of them fucked all the, no, but. Is your son gay? No, they're both straight. I have a whole thing about it in my act. All right I don't watch you. No I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. But listen I want to talk to you about something seriously. Okay. All right. Because you were...

there's two things I want to talk to you about. I do want to talk to you about your son's penis. Okay. There's two sons and two penises. I wanna talk about both of the penises. And I'm gonna talk about my son's penis. But, you did, look at me, look at me, look at me, seriously, look at me, you did, you were an OG, like with the, when it was, you know, gay men, or gay women, there was no, you know, the LGBTQ. It wasn't like that. It was an LGBT.

But LGBT, lesbians, gays and bisexuals and bisexuals, no queers. No, it was LBG and then it became LGBT. Let's go over this. L is lesbians. G, G, gay, gay. I prefer to just say gay. What was the last one? B is bisexual. B is bisexual. So we know what lesbians are. We know what gay is. Lesbians are two girls.

Gay is two guys. Bisexual is somebody who went with girls and guys or guys and girls. Right? Right. That was the three. Then we added T for trans. Trans. Okay, so we added trans.

We know what that is. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. We added trans. girls and guys or guys and girls, right? Right. That was the three. And then what was the next one?

Then we added T for trans. Trans, okay, so we added trans. We know what that is. Right. And then you added what? Q. Q, which is- And that's when the mishegos began. With that fucking Q.

What's a Q? Q is queer. Or if you ask another, a different gay person, it means questioning. Like no one can fucking agree on the Q. Isn't bi questioning? Bi? No. Well, I say bi is the gateway to the truth. But there are people who are, and you know, I will get in trouble because bisexual people are really defensive about this.

Why? Yes, I am attracted to men and I am attracted to women. Right. And they can sleep with either. Now, as a like 100% lesbo, Yes. I can't conceive of that. As a 100% hetero.

Let's not get carried away. Okay, as a 70% hetero. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I don't know, there's, for me, it's, yeah, there's not, I can't, I don't even, it doesn't feel

natural for me to be with a guy. But I'm, I'm fine with the L G B T. B T. What's B T? Yeah. Well, okay. I'm lost. Then it goes Q.

Q, Q is the queer. That's where I'm. Queer, that's where it all fucking goes off the rails. Okay, so queer. And there's I. What's I? I is intersex. What the fuck is that? That is a hermaphrodite.

Is that real? I thought that was like a unicorn. No! Wait a minute. There are a lot of babies born with both genitalia. Yeah, but they don't grow. And the doctor picks, the doctor picks. But they can't let them grow up to be

just smoking hot chicks with dicks and pussies? No. We saw the- Now they do. Now some parents really do. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. There's a book called Middlesex.

That is a great book. But is there a video I can watch? I'm sure. I don't want to read about it. I want to jerk off to it. I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's, that is real.

And they say that- Who's they? Them? You know they say that who's they? Them you know is it they they are them. Oh, let's let's chill for a sec. Let's chill Max What the fuck are you doing? Oh? My god, I was like Max has a beard what the fuck What are you doing? Oh my God, you're so damn cute. I took your thing. Hi, Max.

Say hi to Judy. Hi, Max. You're adorable. No, I don't. That's all right. Look, look at her face. It's fine, Max. You don't remember Judy Gold?

No, he doesn't fucking remember me. One second, Max. Just, just lie. I don't like it. Shh. I will hurt you. I won't beat your ass right now. One second, Max, just just lie. I will be I will hurt you. I hate that you grow in a mustache. Yes. OK. OK. I got to go. I love you.

All right. I'll be home later. Listen, in the future, lie. No, don't lie. Just be like, yeah, I'm just be normal. Oh, in the future, lie. No, don't lie. Just be like, yeah, I remember you. Max, just be normal. Oh, God, that is the worst. All right, I love you, buddy. I'll see you later. All right, bye. I'm just calling my friends and pranking them with that thing. Don't prank anybody. I love you. Don't abuse your phone, okay?

Don't look at me like that either. Like he's gonna fucking listen to you. Bye, buddy. Love you so much. Bye. Bye. Okay, first of all, I love that you take Bye buddy, love you so much. Bye. Bye. Okay, first of all, I love that you take all, like immediately take the call.

Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. I can't believe his voice is changing. All right, this is what I wanna talk about, your sons penis. We're gonna get to that, we gotta get to that. I gotta talk to you because you've been through this.

But anyways, the queer, okay? So now queer. Because that's what, when I was a kid, queer is what you called your friend. Oh my God. That'd be like, you're so queer. Right. I mean, we even said the word fag all the time. Yeah.

You can't say that. Great word. You can't say fag. But I call my gay male, I mean, because I'm, you know, I will call up my gay male friends and I'll be like, hey fag, and I'll be like, hey dyke. And you, you know, it's a term of endearment for us. A 27 or 32 year old hears that and they're like, no, you can't say that. Yes, I can fucking say that.

Because I was around when we said that. Because it's the N word for fags and queers. Right, but it also has a different connotation. I would never, my kids would never say it. They've all called out, like, you know, some place college basketball. Yeah. You know, they've heard, both of them have heard it.

They grew up in New York City. Yeah. They call it out all the time. Right. And tell them, no, you can't do that. But if like I'm calling, you know, my friend Eddie and I'm like, all right, talk to you later. Fact, you know, that he's gay. He's gay. Right. But you can call me gay. You can call me a fag. Right. But I can't call you a fag. Yeah, you can. I don't care. Fag.

Bag it. Queer. Lesbo. Homo. Dyke. Stink, wrinkle, liquor. What? Stink, wrinkle, liquor?

Stink, wrinkle, liquor. Stink, wrinkle, liquor. Yeah, the vagina. Yeah, I know what the fuck it is. All right, relax, I thought we were playing a game. That's not good. That's not good. That's not how you do it. I know what the fuck it is. All right. Relax. I thought we were playing the game. That's not good. That's not good. That's not how you do it. I know you do it. Ready? Like this. No. Like this? No. Oh, teach me how to eat a

pussy. Teach me how to go like, no, no. And then yes, you do. It's not an ice cream. Oh, you start out straight and you get them sucked in. Well, how? Like dad like a tootsie pop and you can like tighten it up. Take one. If my kids are I'm not doing this. Your kids are watching my day young. They're 28 and 23. Then I watch your mind. They're watching Mark Norman. Listen, yeah. So I thought it was like this. Can I honestly I thought it was like this. Ready?

Yeah, because you blah, blah. Yeah, cause you're a guy. Hang on, let me finish. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When are you gonna fucking finish?

Is that it? You don't, I thought you just keep licking the clit. I mean, you can, you, you gotta do finger play. Do you do finger play while you're- No, my wife likes that and I don't like it. Too bad! What do you mean too bad? Yeah, why am I?

She likes it, you fucking do it! Why do I have to? You do finger play and licking. 201. It depends on, you know. How big the vag is? Yeah. So five.

I didn't need to know that. Okay. Yeah, you do the tongue and the finger at the same time. So that you can, I don't even want to. Just do it. Now. This is science. You can go in and feel.

Feel what? Feel what? You can feel the contractions. Is that what that is? Yes, and you get the clit. I thought she was holding in a fart when you were doing that. You know, like when she contracts she was like, oh I'm gonna... I gotta call your wife.

Like, poor thing. Listen, what about the little bumps? Is there a G-spot? Yes. There's a little bump in there. Is that the G-spot? I think it is. What do you mean you think?

You've been a lesbian for 50 years. You know, 62 years. Well, you should know. You should be an expert. I think I am an expert. Yes, I do think that little thing that's hanging in the back. It's hanging? I don't know. Shut up! You think the fucking cock and balls are attractive?

I mean, mine are. Mine are nice. I mean, mine are. Ugh. Mine are nice. I just, I think that big hard thing. Yeah? It's like, get out of my face. I don't want it near my face or my vagina or my ass or my mouth, but I love straight guys.

Why? Like, you know how there's like lesbos that are like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, man, you know, like that, you know, there's the- What, they have their own cooking show in France? Oh, you're putting the point. Stop laughing at his shit. Fuck you, they're laughing at your shit too.

Okay, laugh at mine more. But, no, but there are, you know, women who feel so marginalized, and they separate themselves. I've always had straight guy friends and wanted to hang out with. Like I'm lucky I have two straight sons. I mean I'd like a gay son.

Why musicals? I wanted one just because I wanted them to wipe my ass at the Hebrew home. But I think. I like my straight sons. And I loved my father and I just, you know I have a brother. Now was anybody in your family, when you came out, were they shocked?

Or were they not like? My sister was shocked. Did she have a problem with that? She did. She did? Yeah, we went to therapy together and then I told her and she acted like I had fucking murdered my parents like the Menendez brothers, like, oh my God!

Like she was freaking the fuck out and then she was like, don't tell mommy and daddy. Oh my God, like, and then she's like, I need to take a break from you because I, you're not the person I thought you were and I need to mourn who I thought you were. And then I can't help it. So we went through this whole thing with my sister,

but now she's fine. Well, because nobody, people understand that it's just. My brother didn't give a shit, his wife told him when I was like 18 years old. It doesn't fucking matter what you do with your holes. It doesn't matter. Right, and also why is it that if I am married to a woman and I have two kids and I'm living in a house,

and then there's a Christian across the street who, what is my house have anything to do with your fucking bringing up your kids? Well, because people, and I think this is changing, and it's sad to me too because religion is dying, like Christian religion, Catholics, people are getting away from it because we have to deal with the reality that there's

people out there that we know and love that are going against what the religion says but what sucks about that is that they can't you can't you know I mean like you can't you can't you're saying that you should be able to go around that religious gay people and there's plenty of religious people who are pro-gay. But they only fuck kids. Yeah, that's true. But it's, the thing with this is that it's sad to me because people are getting away

from, I think religion or spiritual or whatever is a great moral compass for people. I think it, you know. Or it's more like a community. Yes, but it's guides you on how to treat each other. Ethics and morals, yes. And they think, you know, if you're gay, you're going against, blah, blah, blah.

And I think what we did is we went away from that, but doing that, because we didn't wanna, we understood the world we lived in, right? That everybody's equal and all that stuff, but if you're reading the books and you're going by, but the fact is you can believe that, okay, I don't believe in gay marriage, I don't believe in having sex with another woman

or a man having sex, that's fine. But you can still be friends with somebody who does believe that. Just like you can believe, I can have a friend that's in Scientology, I can have a friend who's a Muslim, I can have a friend that believes in something different than me.

Right, but you're saying that there's one is a belief and one is the way the person is. Right. The way the person is. So I think that's different. That you don't have to choose. Well, you can choose, it's not a choice. Not a choice. Okay, but I think people who are very religious

and go by whatever the pope says or their spiritual leader says, the rabbi isn't the last word in a- Don't drag my religion into it. Talk about your religion. But I'm just saying. No, I'm saying all. Are Jews more tolerant of gays, right?

I think so, and I think Jews are becoming more religious now or more Jewish because we are experiencing an existential threat that we have every 90 or so years. So I think people are, I feel safer with them. that we have every 90 or so years. So I think people are, I feel safer with people who are Jewish or allies. You know what Trump did today? Yeah, what he said.

Yeah, pretty crazy. I mean, it's pretty ballsy to say, we want the hostages back. I know, it's hard for me because I want to hear that. Yep, but it's not from him. But I, you know, it's like I think of all of them that, I mean, I can't stand the left. The left, I honestly, and like, I don't care, I'm a centrist. And I am not an idiot, but come on.

I think most people are centrist. Yes. But these left-wing fucking idiots, the Democrats, Elon Omar and Rashida Tlaib and these fucking idiots. Yeah, I know. And then you have Marjorie Taylor Greene. and what's Rashida Tlaib and these fucking idiots. And then you have Marjorie Taylor, great. Now see, the Republicans also have assholes like that. Like the far left and the far right are equally horrible. Yeah, but the problem is is that we put people on these pedestals, they're not smart people.

All these people are, it's actresses and actors. It's Hollywood. I didn't say this is my other thought about. Your son's penis? No, we'll get back to that. Okay, you're the best. But, people who are really religious, right? And follow this book that was created, I don't know,

thousands of years ago, to me, that's lazy. Because you are, like, you encounter someone or you get a feeling and you're like, I feel this. What am I supposed to think about? Like, instead of thinking for yourself and questioning it and giving it space and you go, oh, the Bible says I can't do that. Or that kind of shit to me is lazy. And that's what I like about the Jewish religion is that you can just argue it every which way. And the Jewish religion is there's three sides,

or five sides of every argument. That's what I like about it. I think that's why there's a lot of Jewish comics, because they learn to think differently. It's weird to me that we, like all these actors and actresses, somehow we listen to them. Well, in this all, all. But do you think they do that in other countries? Do you know what they are?

Do you know what famous people are? Just very lucky. Lucky. It's just very lucky people. That's it. They were at the right place at the right time and did the right thing and they got lucky. Now, also they got lucky. Now also

they're gorgeous. Very good-looking people. I don't know if you've been on this. I mean yes Steve Buscemi but listen still great actor. But these people they're you know the fact that people listen to Taylor Swift or musicians they're just us actors going up there, telling us who to vote for, what to do. It's like guys, alls we want you for is to escape this shit, we're not stupid, and you think we're dumb. It's also the fact that our values in this country, I think it all started.

Like I always thought, even if there was a president I didn't like, it was Mr. President, I had respect for that office, he was the president. That, you know. Well, we were Americans, we were all together. And at some point, they found a way to get us to not like each other and right and and and I believe that the foundation of I think everybody at some point one thing we had that we're in this together we're in this country

together proud to be you know together in this no matter what it was and yes we're going to fight we're going to hate each other we're going to have differences but it will we will work through them in time. And people get all fucked up and mad. And also we know way too much about each other. With social media. Right, so like, you know, you will hate this actor, you know, this person could be brilliant,

but you hate their politics, so you fucking hate them. Never, but I don't do that. No, you don't do that, but you know. But it does. 75 years ago, we didn't know that, like, you know, did you know Coco Chanel was embedded with the Nazis? Like, and you go to the synagogue and they're all wearing Chanel.

Like, you just didn't know shit about people. Right. And, and you know, I'm sure if we went back and I found out like this one hated Jews or this one hated gays or this one hated black people or this one, whatever, I'd be like, oh fuck. But the only person I can really do that, that I really have that with is Bill Cosby.

What? That I can't listen. Oh, I thought you were. No, that's the only person like I can't listen. Oh, I thought you were. No, that's the only person I can't get past. Why? He is a fraud and a predator and a rat. It's just, yeah. Yeah.

It's just awful. He's out of jail. Yeah. He's walking around. I don't know if he's walking. I don't know, dude. I think he's a piece of, you know, yes, he's a piece of shit. So I can't listen to him.

But it's almost, it's almost, but you gotta- Nobody's so personal. But you gotta look at stuff like that. He's yelling at people that they're, you know, guys are cursing or their pants are hanging down and he's fucking drugging and raping women. Right. Back in the day when that was okay. Shut up.

But I also feel bad because I thought the Cosby show was fucking brilliant and I thought it was really good for people to see. But here's the thing, if you look at society, honest to God, we've, in certain times, if we have to go by what you hold people accountable for now, you're gonna have to go back and get every rock star, every actor, and go through this shit and arrest them all.

All of them did fucked up shit. So when you move the goalposts in society and say this is not acceptable anymore, you have to start from there. So we this is an acceptable we learned about we ain't doing this no more okay well here we start but also right there's a learning curve there's a learning curve and some of the stuff that's not acceptable anymore I saw this video and it was that a who's funny it was that a Judas Priest concert before they knew fuck was at a Judas Priest concert.

Before they knew- Fuck goes to a Judas Priest. Exactly. Judas Priest is great, but they didn't even know he was gay. They didn't know his songs about fucking dudes. They were just rock dudes and they were like, Jersey, fucking Judas Priest is the shit. And they're all on the parking lot with their fucking Marlboro's rolled up in the thing. Fuck it.

And the guy's like, dude, how old are you? I'm 25. How old is she? I'm 15. And no, it wasn't a thing. But today it is. Today it is. So you can't go back and see that video and go get that guy and go, what?

You're going to jail. Right. And you can't do that about jokes either. No, can't. Like, I'm sick of, I'm so sick of people, you know, going back, like Kevin Hart, right? He did- Who's that?

He's this guy, he just started out, but I think he's gonna get- Oh, the little black guy? Yeah. From Philly, Jay's friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, go ahead. You know, he did that really stupid, bad, gay joke.

What was the joke? He would hit his, if his kid was playing house and he said he was gay, he would that really stupid, bad, gay joke. What was the joke? He would hit his, if his kid was playing house and he said he was gay, he would like hit the kid. Something, he would bash the house over the kid's, whatever. Right. He apologized. Yep. He, I mean, I've known him forever.

He's the nicest, I love that guy. I think he's a little shady. No, I'm kidding. I love that guy. I think he's a little shady. No, I'm kidding. I love that guy. Yes. Kevin's great. Yeah. And I, you know, these people go back, you know, like, all right, so there's no forgiveness. And it's like, you are gay and you want people to evolve. Yep. You want to change people's minds. That's what you want. And once they change their minds and change their ways, you can't go back and be like,

like I was just at a show and I sat with Anderson Cooper. And then- He's gay. Oh my God. Really? Swear to God. And also I was with Andy Cohen.

The gayest. Well that's the thing. But I'm sitting with them and I'm getting like, how could you sit with them at this show, what they did to Kathy Griffin, and it's like, shut up. Right. Like you don't know the circumstances

of why I'm like, you know, and I'm allowed to take a picture with them. Well that's and it's like you have an issue Shut the fuck up. You're sitting in your basement. Well, here's the thing. Can I bring up these guys? Okay, so We did ours, you know, I used to watch New Year's Eve with Dick Clark and it was a fan and family show You can stay up with your kids and watch that. Now you have Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen. Getting wasted.

Not a family show. And it's all fucking dudes innuendos and they're getting trashed. We live in a different time where, okay, if you're gonna watch that, it's two gay guys talking about getting trashed hammered and saying Fucking inappropriate shit. That's our society Well, that's that if that was a get work, but what if that was what if it was me?

What if it was me getting trash with a chick making sexual innuendos about her getting trashed with another? Guy and talking about pussy. Or talking about banging chicks. It's not acceptable. Right. That's the double standard that's a little weird. But it's also, like my kid- You think two women, two lesbos would be getting wasted going, oh my god, I want to finger

her. It is guys. Guys ruin it. Whether they're queers or not, we do fucking ruin it. We're just pieces of shit. But, like I look at that and it's not a family, it's not a family show, it's not like. Well you can put on CBS or.

That's the choice you make. You're watching this, these are two queens that are gonna fucking get hammered and get stupid and silly and make inappropriate jokes Right for you and your house and your kid, right? So just change the fucking channel change it go watch something else play a board game do something Is that time with dick Clark and hey, it's over but they have that still yes, but it's boring And they have all the parades

My kids not gay. And I was wondering the same thing. I'm like, you know, what if, because there's a point where you're like, what if my kid's gay? What if he likes dudes? You know, and he's not. Because you know, I think we, I think, there was one time when he, there was a guy, a gay guy, in a store and he's like, Dad, that guy, he's gay.

And I was like, you don't know if he's gay. He goes, Dad, he's gay. And I go, 100% queer. But you can't say it like that. He's like, why? I'm like, you gotta come up with a code. That's really good parenting. And I go, so now when we see a guy,

and he's like, is that guy gay? He'd be like, dad, that guy? And I go. Oh, that's funny. Like that. But like, he's grown up with gay people, he's grown up with trans people. He doesn't give a shit about any of it.

But he's not gay. You don't have to worry about your kid being affected by other people's sexuality because they are what the fuck they are no matter what. Right, just the way it is. Right. It's the way it is. Right, Mike, I remember Henry when he was seven

or eight or something, he said, I have to talk to you. I said, what? And he said, I'm not gay. And I said, boo. I said, Henry, you're very young. Give it time. Like you don't know. No, but like he's grown up around like drag queens

and they have no reaction. They don't care at all. And you know what I noticed about my sons because they have Lesbo parents? They know how to be have a platonic relationship with a woman. Because you did. No, I'm saying they can be, they have girlfriends, but they also know how to be friends with girls. Right. And they don't think women

are incapable of doing anything. Right. Like I think most men. Well, you can't lift things. I mean, you can reach stuff. Yeah, I can. But you still need help with the groceries. Shut the fuck up.

I mean, is this what you tried out on stage tonight? No, no, but I do want to get to that. Because I did try that out. You did? Well, no, I want to talk to you because it's weird having this boy. You know, you have this boy. And you know, I had father figures in my life. But nobody around all the time, you know what I mean? And by the time I got a really great father figure,

my mom's last husband, I was gone. I was out. I was out of the house. I was out of my, so it's like, I was just doing my own thing a lot. And now, you know, being a dad, and you see this little cute dude, I mean, you can change him in a parking lot,

at a CVS if he shits his pants. You can just strip him down naked, and it's not a big thing. Now, I talked about it in my act a little bit. One night, he was like, Dad! He was in the shower taking a shit, Dad! I'm like what he's like. I got pubes and I was like Get the Because I don't you know right he walked out in the living room butt naked and

He had a full patch no way and I was like How What the when did it happen? And then he brought his arms up and he had hair on his arms. And I'm like, and Dawn literally went, I'm out, this is you, and went downstairs. She's like, she didn't wanna deal with it.

And I'm like, you gotta go, you can't come out in the living room naked anymore. He's like, why? Cause he's been. Right, right. He's like, I go go cuz that's a cock and that shall never be seen in this house by us again Right unless it gets hurt or something on it right stuck in something. Why can't you see his cock? Well number one. He's got a he's got a big piece. He literally said to me. He goes. Why is your smaller?

Judy look at me said to me, he goes, why is yours smaller? Judy, look at me, listen to me. That's hilarious. I was, I'm not even kidding, my alpha malehood, my insecurities, I was five seconds away going, oh yeah, you think this is small, give me a file. I almost whipped mine out. No way. I was like, you wanna see small? Look at this, must push my I was I was like I I was like I wanted a

bit mine's not small like but I can't do that I just had to take the hit I had to take the hit but which bothered me I was like's nice, it's just a grower, not a shower. You know what I mean? But my kids. You're like 12. Yes, yes. But with a bigger dick than an 11 year old, if I get it going.

Oh my God. I remember Ben laying in bed one night, and I go to say goodnight, and he goes like this. Yeah. And there was one hair there, it was blonde goodnight and he goes like this. Yeah. And there was one hair there, it was blonde. He's like, I got a hair. This kid, this kid. Now he's a fucking six, eight, huge hairy guy.

Max, his feet, he's got a size 11 at 11. Oh, that was like me. He's got a big. I had 11, I had a size 11, then I had a 12. He's gonna be a big kid. Wait, who's tall in your family? Her brothers, her father. How tall?

6'4, 6'3. You know, with the basketball, they always ask how tall the mother is. Yep, it's not going to be basketball or football, unless he's like a defensive line, because he runs like the girl from Taken. I mean, Frankenstein is faster than him. Ah, hilarious! But he's, you know, he's a grown, it's weird for me to see him grow into a man. So weird.

It's like, fuck. I still, like, I still on my phone have pictures of them when I was little kids. And I remember like coming home from a gig and him running down the street. I mean, it goes by. So fast. But you know what the best thing is?

When they grow up and they wanna hang out with you. Yeah. Like I feel so lucky. Really? Oh my God. Henry comes over all the time. He meets me here all the time. Ben, we hang out. He's always like, you want to hang like if he's home for three days,

he has a girlfriend, he has his friends, he'll always like make sure at least one night is with me. Now what did you say to him like sexually? Like how did you teach him about sex? Like I don't know. Well first I um. Because now it's harder now because we came up, the digital thing wasn't around. Every porn in the world wasn't available. You know, they have these devices now. It's like, you know what I mean? Like Henry really taught Ben a lot. He's five years older. but I remember once I asked the neighbor, you know, like, if you want to go, like a friend, a close friend, neighbor, if you want to go talk to, you know, Henry about whatever.

A guy? Yeah. And then Henry. It's not like some middle-aged lesbian. No, the guy, our friend. You want to go fuck my son. You know, but like a masculine kind of, you know, and, um, and, uh, I remember the guy came in and they were like talking, I was in the other room or whatever.

And then I came in and then he left and then Henry's like, why did you have to have Greg come here? Greg, you had Greg go to talk to me about, like, I know what's going on. Like, you know, it's just funny. But they had a, they're, I mean, they were around other men, but yeah, I would say stuff like, don't ever, you know, like the word no is no, no, no, that's it. If a girl says no, that's it.

Three times, three times it's a no. Shut up. It's like a genie. Shut up. It's like Beetlejuice, three nos, and it's a definitely no, that's it. Shut up. It's like a genie. It's like Beetlejuice. Three no's and it's a definite no, but no. And then I said, you know, when you're having sex with a female, it's all about her. You do not do anything.

My advice would be different. I'm kidding. I just love it. My advice is when you have sex with a female, it's all about you first. That's great. And then when you're about to come, when you're about to come. Pull it out and shove it on her face. Yes.

Let it on her face. Come on her face. Do not come in. Larry Bird always dribbles before he shoots. Get it out before you have a kid with some chubby chick that you're not going to want to be with in 10 years. Trust me. I look back on Facebook to a lot of girls I thought I was in love with.

Thank God, thank God. You never had sex with a guy. A guy? Yeah. No! Like no one ever tried to like. I mean look, I fucking. Like when you were like 13.

When I was, yeah, that's not sex. That's jerking off in a garage while your friend plays a guitar naked. That's different. Yeah, because you guys had that, right? Of course they do, they're autistic. They did it last week. No, look, sex, penises, all that shit,

not until you're 16, 17. When you're gonna start to... 16, are you fucking crazy? What? It's much younger than that. I'm not, I'm talking about sex with a woman. Sex with somebody. I don't know if I-

And Henry was younger than that. I don't want my kid having sex until he's 16, 17, 18. I mean, I might even go as far as Ryan Hamilton, 37. Is that how old he is? No, I'm kidding. Do you think he's ever? Had sex? Yeah.

Yes. You do? No, I don't know. I wonder. I just, look, I just don't want. I just wonder how people save themselves for marriage. Like, no. That's too much.

You gotta get your experience in. That's not fear of the wife. You need to row whatever. You gotta. Row your oats. Sew your oats. Sew your oats. What are you fucking row your oats?

What are you from Cape Cod? No. You really are a lesbian. What the fuck is wrong with me? Row your oats. I just think, you think, so he had sex earlier than that. They're New York City kids. What are they? From the movie kids?

Oh my god, they start smoking pot at like 14, 15. Your kids smoke pot? Oh, Henry did. What did you do then? Well I didn't know. And then he told me when he was a junior in high school that he wanted to live with his other mother and I was like, Oh my god, like, what did I do? Like I was really upset. And it was because she worked really late and he could go to her house and

smoke pot. So it was always home because I was always home because I was the comic. I mean, he would come for dinner and stuff, but yeah, I was really upset about that. That must have broke your heart. Oh God. What did she say? Okay, uh-huh. So she was the bottom?

Oh, she was, this is my ex. Wow. We had very different parenting styles. Yeah, you were more nonchalant, right? Right, I was more loosey goosey, but I was really, like, I took them to all their doctor's appointments, I'm the one the nurse called, you know, like,

not an emergency, every fucking day with Henry, not an emergency! And it was like, Henry doesn't, and I'm like, oh God, just tell him to shut the fuck up. So basically, all this stuff that you were worried about, all the stuff you panicked about, all the stuff you, none of it mattered. And now, today, they got through it,

they became who they were anyways. It was a lot, yeah. I mean, it was harder with Henry than it was with Ben. Talking about penises? No, I'm talking about- I'm just trying to find out where we are. I'm just trying to, I don't know. We're all over the charts here. I mean, I think it's hard.

You know, I think our separation or divorce was much harder on Henry because he was seven and a half. Ben was two and a half. He doesn't even remember us to count. But I do think the fact that they had, well Henry had like 10 years without, when did the smartphone come out? Yeah, I don't know, 2007. Yeah, so he was 11.

11, yeah. And it didn't even do half the shit that it does now. So he knew what it was like not to have a cell phone. And Ben's in sports, and he spends hours and hours a day not on a phone. Plays basketball. Right. For?

Binghamton. Binghamton, upstate New York. Now is he gonna be pro? He's gonna go play pro, probably in Israel. So, in Israel? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Because he has an agent there.

Wow. They make a good living. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, it's dangerous over there. Okay, this is what I say. Yes, it is dangerous, but it's like, you know how people are like, I don't go to New York City. You could get killed walking down.

Like that's what I, you know, there's millions of people. Yeah, but some of them get lit on fire and stabbed and thrown in front of a train in one week. So yeah. What the fuck is going on here? It's fucking, you know what it is. You know what it is. People what it is people need to stop asking shit it's not and stop gaslighting people that nothing's going

on it's it's fucking terrible it's awful I can't even I can't take a somebody they defunded the police they took it away they put DI so cops don't have to do push-ups or be big and tall and strong and alpha Alpha male big strong man are bad. We need to have everybody be inclusive Everyone needs a trophy. It's so it's bullshit. It's bullshit You are ball you want the people to protecting you to be able to protect you, right? You want them to be yes, some of them are gonna be assholes we'll filter it out the utopia in every they want to live in a fucking utopia that doesn't exist and it's their utopia and we're gonna help you and

we're gonna fuck you right across this week I was eating dinner with Henry and his girlfriend yeah and I see the police car going the wrong way down the street and then we finish eating, we walk a block home, and there's all these policemen, two people got shot right across the street from my apartment. Yep, and that's the way it is. And we let, and look, people are like,

well, you're letting people in that live, it's culturally different to stab, shoot, rob. It's not that they're shit people, bad people. It's just we like to live in this culture, which is Western civilization, with law and order and consequences, and you live in a country that doesn't have that, and now you're here, and we're expecting.

Yeah, but you can't say that, like, there are, I know what you're saying and we're expecting. You can't say that, like there are, I know what you're saying, but I also know that a lot of countries who, and I'm talking about a different issue, which is mass shootings, most countries that have a mass shooting, they then don't have a second mass shooting. Because they pass gun laws that don't allow

mentally ill people or they don't have guns at all. I know you can't do that here, but there's gotta be something better in that situation. Like these kids going into school. Okay, absolutely, but we should have Here's the thing. Like these fucking kids going into school. Okay, my, absolutely. But we should have protection at the school. There should be cops at our schools. But it wasn't like that when I was a kid.

It wasn't like that because society was different. Our culture was different. Look back to what we were back then. We weren't, we didn't have all the world cut we had we had laws and we had a look at we came here we were fighting there were less people less people we were religious based people you know we a lot of people believed in the went to church on Sunday or Saturday they tried to live next to each other's neighbors and then we mix cultures and I was talking to this black guy in

Phoenix he's always the driver The cool is like Denzel Washington cool It always picks me up and I was taught he was brittening up the culture difference black and white he goes listen I I love white people. I think we should all get along and we do he goes. I think we do It's just I don't want to go to your barbecue It's a different barbecue. You guys are playing different music you have different food I want to go to the black barbecue ah look I do not want to go to the I want to go to the black bar you I just want to leave it six no I want to

leave it six before that's happening as I get older everyone Everyone's like, oh, you want to have dinner at like 630? I'm like, no, I want to dinner at 830 or nine. Why? I don't go to bed till what time do you go to bed? Well I go to bed probably at 1130 but then I wake up at 1230 and then death scroll for two hours and then can't go to sleep because the world's coming to an end and there's drones all in China's attacking is Russia wants us and Muslims are gonna kill us and fucking everybody hates us and I'm a cis gendered white male and I'm a piece of shit But then I feel like a good person and then my son's gonna get somebody pregnant and his dick's bigger than mine And I don't know what the fuck's going on. So then I wake up and I can't go back to sleep

And then I fall back to sleep. That's great. Yeah, healthy. It's it's healthy I got I'm like two to nine. That's great. Yeah. It's healthy. It's healthy. I'm like two to nine. I sleep from two to nine. I'm just saying this. New York City, we need to go back to police. We need to give them money. We need to support them.

Oh, hello. And we need to make sure police can do the fucking job. We need to give the best person for the job the job. I don't care if you're... Agreed. If it's a gay drag queen that is the mother... Right, I agree. I don't give a shit.

Let them do, it's a job that needs the best. Okay, I... If you're a fat tub of shit cop, you work the desk. The people in the subway are fucking gorillas. Also, you have to admit, people's work ethic has changed dramatically. What does that mean? That means no one wants to work anymore.

Our parents and us, we fucking worked. Because the American dream when we grew up was family and friends. Being with your family. Having, working all week, owning a home, spending time at home, but now we don't want to work. We want to fame and fortune. Is the American dream.

We want to do fucking like a funny video. And fame. And that's what's ruining comedy by the way. Fame. It's fame. It's not funny. You know how that started?'s really funny by the way but right fame you know how that started yeah I do OJ Steve Byrne OJ chase oh yeah maybe was OJ yeah that's when all real and

reality TV and cops and all this voyeurism well you know what changed that is the strike when they took away when they took when we when people we weren't and cops and all this voyeurism. Well, you know what changed that is the strike. When they took away, when they took, when we weren't making movies and television shows, we couldn't writers and all that shit and then they went to reality TV and people were eating it up and social media.

And it's cheaper. I just think that we, you know, New York City needs to take the money and we need to clamp down on the city and protect. We need a Republican mayor. You it you said it and a governor and a president all no not sure about the president I mean I'm sorry but I do believe in abortion rights listen here's the thing with that. I'm not sorry about that. Listen, I believe in it.

I need to say something. I believe in it too. You just said my son's gonna get someone pregnant. I want that baby dead. Right. I want dead. I want that baby dead, his other baby dead. I want any baby, no, I believe in that.

I mean, women are dying. Women are fucking dying. It's really a shitty fucking thing that motherfucker. He's not what is he doing? That's fucking Supreme Court is leaving it up to the state. It doesn't matter You want to get an abortion go to Massachusetts, New York? Money okay Well, it's not a go fund me abortion buses will make Now, I agree with you, I think that abortion is fun. It's really bad that they overturn that.

Shut the fuck, you don't believe in abortion, don't have a fucking abortion. Right. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, don't have one. But here's the thing. It's healthcare. I think Billy Burr has the best joke about abortion.

I love him. He's so funny. He said, you know, people are saying that, you know, it's not a life, you know what I mean? And he's like, it's like if I was baking a cake and I had the cake in my hand, the cake batter in the tray and I was going to put it in the oven and you smacked it out of my hand

and I'm like, what the fuck? What, that's not a cake, it would have been. That's funny. It's funny. That's why I think censoring comedians. Oh, the worst. Is the worst thing in the world because you should be able to say.

I wrote a book called Yes I Can Say That. I agree 150%. Yes, but I think that we all got caught up in this shit. I never said a thing, but I think that in this woke shit, when all that stuff happened, and this Trump is this and that and this is that, and then all this, we started lighting things on fire and protesting and fighting each other,

and it's starting to happen again. I'm seeing my social media feed fill up with hatred again. Now that there's a Republican, I'm seeing the hate, I'm seeing this and that, and it's like, here it comes. They're gonna get us to fucking start hating people. We're gonna hate these ones, and these people are wrong. It is about hate. And it's all about division.

That's the only way people get power, is by dividing. But when they do that, the people in the middle with common sense, it fucking ruined Hollywood, it took away all their power, it took away everything, and now all these people are paying for it. Justin Trudeau, gone. Bye now. We're not as dumb as you think we are.

We're just not. Right. And we will fucking make a choice. So I think that with guns, with abortion, with gays, with all this shit, with treating women, abuse, blah, blah, blah, even children, we're raising better children than we did the last generation. Children.

Children. Children. Children. Children, C-H-O-L-D-O-R-E-N, children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children.

Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children.

Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. Children. No, I'm not answering that for no five. No a closet like a spy. No, you push a button it opens up like fucking

Oh, yeah, it's a big Carry all guests and then whoever gets closest wins a prize. No, shut the fuck up. We win one of the dildos one of the old ones What's the oldest deal that you have a dildos like Do you have a wooden dildo? No... Do you have a wooden dildo? No, who would put a wooden thing in there? No, you'd get splinters. No, I'd have it sanded down, make it a walnut, fine wood.

What's your biggest thing? Tell me your biggest thing. Biggest thing? No, no, that was my joke. You said my biggest issue is what? Oh, my biggest issue is being a Jew. Yeah. Is antisemitism.

It's wild to me that we're dealing with this. It's wild that you can't, that people are leaving. They're leaving Canada, they're going to Israel, they're leaving Australia, they're leaving France, they're leaving England, it's like here we go again. Montreal, they started fucking throwing rocks. It's like-

Oh, I know. It's- Why is- Me and Voss and Aaron Berg were doing shows in Toronto and they're fucking protesting and Voss was such a baby about it. They were protesting Voss's material boss is in the in the Lobby, I mean I've been to so many protests cuz you know, I've like

I'm a woman and I'm a gay and I've been protesting since the 80s and boss is sitting in the lobby of the hotel like So we go now Let's go early because, can we just go there? I just wanna get through, I just wanna get there and then, and I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Right.

Well, it's scary. It must be scary to have a bunch of people that want you fucking dead. Oh, I'm so used to that shit. Yeah, but he's only been gay and Jewish for 10 years. I'm getting anxiety. Well, it's crazy that, it's nuts to me, that we're at that point where we're picking sides with that.

I mean, there's no sides. Right. Sorry, Israel has a right to defend itself. There's American hostages. Like, what the fuck do you think? If that happened here. I don't understand why protesters get to be violent. Right, and they're so, like, we're so, you know,

I don't, it's like,. You want to protest against the Jews. Great. Don't light shit on fire. I don't like your masks. Oh yeah, take your fucking mask off, you coward. Yeah, I don't like, just show who you are, believe in what you believe and protest and say what the fuck you want to say. And you're gay and you're whatever.

Go to Gaza. Have fun. Have a nice time there. I heard it's not as good as it was. It was really nice before they gave it back. Was it really? Oh God, it was gorgeous before they gave it back. They gave them the land.

And Hamas fucking ruined it. Cultural differences. Cultural differences. Look what the fuck is going on. Look what happened in New Orleans. You think they're not here already? Yeah. You fucking idiots.

They hate you. They're laughing at you with all your stupid protests and your fucking watermelons. Shut the fuck up, you idiots. What's the watermelon? The watermelon symbol of what? What does that mean? It's some pro-Hamas, pro-

The watermelon? Yeah, it's like they say, I don'tHamas, pro- The watermelon? Yeah, it's, like they say, I don't like the term pro-Palestinian because it's like saying I hate, that anyone who's not pro-Palestinian hates Palestinians. It's not true. Remember when you made the stroke victims for Palestine thing for Keith and the watermelon?

Oh yeah, yeah. The watermelon's where I'm at. I thought the watermelon for Keith was a different thing. Because you're- Well, I'm from Boston. Right. Yeah, I didn't know you guys stole the watermelon for Keith was a different thing. Oh, because you're... Well, I'm from Boston. Yeah. I didn't know you guys stole the watermelon thing from us. That's not us. That's them. Oh, them, them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, it's a fucking wild time to be around. Democracy. People have not, you know, look, they're not perfect. We're not perfect, but know, we're not perfect. But they have a right to exist, and that's our fucking hope. Where do you expect us to go? Yeah, but it's like even here,

I just wish people who break the law will get a consequence. Right. People who mark, people who fucking threaten people's lives, people who are violent, please get the- Do you think the January 6th rioter should be pardoned? People who fucking threaten people's lives, people who are violent, please get them. Do you think the January 6th rioters should be pardoned?

Well, that goes into this. Ready? No, they should not be pardoned. Listen, that goes into this. If you're going to say they shouldn't be pardoned, then you have to look into all the facts on both sides. You have to look at... What's the fact? Well, okay- If you committed a crime, like let's not even say it was an indirect- If you broke-

If you beat the shit out of a police officer- You go to jail. If you took a shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk- You should get a medal. Shut up. You take that photo and get an Instagram post. Be like- You broke-

Fuck you, God. That'd be great. Come on, if you took a shit on it. No, you break the law, you go to jail. That's right. If you get caught breaking the law, you go to jail. That's it. That's when I was a kid, I remember a cop. You're breaking the fucking windows?

Go to jail. Of our house? Go to jail. If you commit a crime, but you go to jail for breaking a window for life? No. No. But yeah, if you bring- Pleasuring a police officer. Yeah, but here's the thing. What happens every time-

Talk to the police officer that were there. When you bring up, this is what sucks about people, is you bring up this and they'll bring up that. You bring up that, they'll bring up this. Right, but they should all be- that they'll bring up this. It's everybody who breaks the law show to fucking jail. We're treating and everybody's afraid to do it because they don't want to seem like a racist. They don't want to seem like a, it's not about what it's the law or where you're from.

Right. How many dildos you have, even if it's seven, committed a crime, seven, right. Is it have? Right. Even if it's seven. You committed a crime. Seven? Right. Is it seven? No. You committed a crime. More or less.

And you fucking have to pay for that. I have three. You do? No, Dawn does. I checked her draw. She does? Oh, Max. Max, one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

Max came into my room. I was taking a nap. And we have our little dresses on each side. Yeah. you know, and I have a little cash in mine, some knives, some guy shit, but I know what she has in hers. And he was like, he opened the drawer, I heard the drawer open, and I went, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! He's like, what?

I'm like, do not ever go into that draw in your life. Oh my God, you know he did it like the minute he could. You weren't home. No, I had her move him. I was like, put that in your sock drawer. Listen, I love you. Oh, I love you so much. Very fun, I mean, you're always the best.

I love you. I love you. You're a maniac. Yes. In the best way. You are fucking funny, hilarious, I love you. I love you, I think you're a maniac. Yes. In the best way. You are fucking funny, hilarious, I love you. I love you, I think you're the greatest. And you're my little baby. You got a book, yes I can say that, available on Amazon right now.

That's right. And you go buy that, great read. It's Judy's show, you got your own podcast. I changed it from Kill Me Now to It's Judy's show, you got your own podcast. That's my podcast. I changed it from Kill Me Now to It's Judy's show with Judy Gold because Kill Me Now after October 7th, and I was like, I would interview a Holocaust survivor, and I'm like, I can't, I'm like, welcome to Kill Me Now. Like, no.

Yeah. So we did a rebranding and I lost half my fucking. You lost half your download and all the people that were gonna commit suicide don't go to that. You would write Kill Me Now into Google and it would be like, are you thinking of killing yourself? So we had to change the name. You should have wrote Kill Me Later.

Hey now! All right, you got two Emmy awards. How the fuck did you get those? I was a writer and producer on the Rosie O'Donnell show. Are you ever gonna do my one man show? Am I playing the man? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I told you I would help you.

Alright, well help me. I think I'm gonna write it this year. You have to. Alright, I will. But here's the problem. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.

Are you going to Gary's? Gullman's? No, I wanna, when is it? It's starting soon. I wanna go. I didn't get an invite, I love Gary. I didn't get an invite either. I know. What is that shit?

I don't know, he's busy. He's got a lot on his plate. I don't like the new look with the beard. I like it. This fucking, he's so handsome. He looks good. He's so handsome and he has that weird beard. So you shouldn't say that.

He is. You like my beard? Yeah. Yeah, Dawn weird beard. So you shouldn't say that. He is. You like my beard? Yeah. Yeah, Dawn? Yeah. All right, listen, here's the thing. This is you.

No. I don't go. I go like this. Yes, you did. Didn't he say he didn't have a head? Watch. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. He does. Let's see if you can do it the long. Do you do sideways? But that's towards the end. So ready? Oh God, I don't know what you're doing. With me, let's see. I gotta talk to Dawn.

Look, you wanna look at it like that? No, I'm just saying you start out with a major lick. All right, how's this? Ready, watch this. I just, I can't with the fucking beard. All right, how about this? I want that on my vagina. How about this?

No. No. I about this how about this Do you think most men now, okay, you look like fucking John Rickles Do you know most married men eat out their wives Not after a fucking head comes out of there. That's nasty. Yeah, the fucking gross. When you see that head come out of there and it's like a hair on it. I've seen it.

It's blech. No, yeah, you eat out your wife. All right, you think every guy eats out their wife? I don't think so, not black guys. Okay. No, I mean, look, how about this ready about this mother no I'm gonna puke what the fuck why what is that about this I just show me before we leave just show me one just show me one good technique. How do I start looking to your camera?

You gotta do you gotta really get in there and you gotta do the I get the fingers. All right here we go. Here we go. Ready? A double finger double finger. I hook it. And you want to hook it so you could you're up right where the clit is. Okay right here. And then you're okay your kit and you want to hook it so you could you're up and right where the clit is Okay, right here. And then you're okay, and then you yeah. Yeah, and you're inside and yeah

Feel the contractions. Yeah Shut up. All right, let's go Judy Gold Gold, everybody. Make sure you get her book. I love you. We're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now to ask her the questions from the fans. So if you want to hear the questions or ask questions, go become a member of the Patreon. That's it. It's five bucks a month.

It's not that much. And you're supporting the show and all these fucking autistic kids I have working here. And make sure you go to the YouTube page subscribe like and comment if you're watching it hit the subscribe button we're trying to get to a hundred thousand subscribers by 2030 I set my expectations low Robert Kelly live calm for all my dates punch up dot live punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates Kansas City no work until February Kansas City. I'm everywhere Levittown, but TV, Illinois

Naples I'm all over the place. Oh, how is off the hook? I did that. It's great Going there Philadelphia I'm still in the restaurant. It's in the restaurant. It's a little crib, but there. Philadelphia. Is it still in the restaurant? It's in the restaurant. It's a little, what are you gonna do? You know what I mean? Do you? Denver, I'm going back to Denver Comedy Works.

You haven't been in Denver in years. I haven't been in eight years. She finally brought me back. How did you do it? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why she had to do me. I don't know.

You know what it is, here's what it is though. I don't like people that go fuck them, fuck them. It's like, look at whatever it is. She had her thing and she brought me back. Look at how much work. Great club. Oh God. Seattle. Where's Uncasville? That's Mohegan Sun. I love that gig.

Do that Tampa Bay. I'm Tampa Bay. Wow, you have a good agent. Oh, the Calta Cruz. yeah, I got Maddie Frost, and Justin over at CAA, they're the best. Mike Dropcom, I'm all over San Diego. Just go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly.

Do you like going on the road? Well, I have to, because I have a house. Right. So it's not, I, do I like, I go, I only play clubs that I like, though. Right. I don't play clubs that I don't like though. I don't play clubs I don't like anymore. I do not play them. It is not worth the money or the anxiety or the stress

and the negativity. It's just not worth it. I'd rather just stay home and work the cellar. What do you got? What's the website where they can see you? Judygold.com. Go to judygold.com. And then on the socials, it's Judy,

at Judygold, J-E-W-D-Y-G-O-L-D. I can't say it. Judy! I can't, I can't. Because I'm a Jew! And you're definitely a D. And a dike. Yeah.

And make sure, guys, what do you got? You can follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff, and come see me at the Dojo Comedy in Morris Plains, New Jersey on February 7th. Oh, Morris Plains. Yeah, you guys like cheese? Well, guess what? I got a fucking show about cheese with my fucking wife.

Go to YouTube, type in cheese show. The first fucking thing that comes up. Way to edge it up there, you fucking stupid queso asshole. I'm gonna show. What show about cheese? It's gonna show about cheese. My wife. YouTube, check it out, the cheese show. It's called the cheese show. Yeah. It's gonna show about cheese. My wife. YouTube, check it out, the cheese show. It's called the cheese show. Yeah. And it's all about cheese? Yeah. We bring a

comic on. Have Judy on. I love cheese. Do you want to come to Bay Ridge? Yeah. And what do you talk about? Like do you have cheese experts? We bring out a cheese, we talk all about it, we pair it with stuff and then we ask you. With wine? Yeah, and then we ask you like cheesy questions like what's your cheesiest music taste, what's your cheesiest fashion choice. How long is this process?

Eight minutes. About an hour, and then we cut it down to like 20 minutes. Wow, and is it popular? Nope. I don't know why. You're asking the guy who's producing my show if his show's popular? I decided to make a whole show based around rotted milk.

Does she work? Yeah, she's an actor. Yeah, she's great. You'll love her. She's the best. One of my favorite people. I love that. What do you got, buddy?

January 30 at St. Mark's Comedy Club, 10 PM. Please come see him. Doing a longer set that would be sick to have people at. Say your name. And my name's Zach. I don't know. I have to do my, um. Do what?

What, your Jewish prayer? No, I need to do my thing. What thing? You did it. Remember the Judy Gold? OK, listen to this. This is my son Ben, who's on a bus with the team. Their eight hour bus ride to Maine.

And I wrote, you know, how's the bus? And he wrote, it's busing. And I said, you better be nice to the bus driver. And then he's like, oh, we got food. It's not that bad. And then I wrote the bus driver told me you are nice to him because I asked the bus driver. And I said, he told me you are nice to him. And Ben writes, he told me you are a lesbian. All right, guys, we'll see.

You guys. I want my dates. You date. You gave the plug. I'm at the Shames Jewish Community Center in Tarrytown, New Jersey. Oh, very. February second. Mm hmm. Mazel tov. Thank you. And then I am going into a play called My First Ex Husband, which was written by your favorite person, Joy Behar. It off-broadway and

I'm in the the I start whatever make mark February 25th that's great yeah I'm there for a month then I go to Aruba Aruba Ray then it's tax day then I'm in I listen guys she'll keep going we'll see you guys on the patreon thanks for listening to the best fans the world you know what dude