Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #571 | Usama Siddiquee & Pranav Behari | Weird Food In India

Episode Date: January 26, 2025

This week on YKWD Usama Siddiquee & Pranav Behari from The Mango Bae podcast join the show to teach Bobby about indian culture. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, help, you're ruining this. Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original.

The original. The original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly and we're back for another episode of You Know What, Dude podcast at the Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. Right now there's famous people performing, but not up here. I'm up here, but we have very special guests. I'm excited.

First time on the show and it's already going to a swimming set. We jerked each other off. I didn't finish, but thanks man. Danny, well, that's your fault. The edge, that's his thing. If you were circumcised, you would have. How'd you know about that? I'm looking right at your face.

You're happy to steal it. Circumcised vibe. Hey Danny, who do we got? Today we got Usama Siddiqui. That's not Danny. Well, I'm not sure. That's not Danny, that's Joe'm That's not Danny that's Joe We have us sama sadiki and pranav

Bahari Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Well, thanks to people to say my name. That's how powerful and mighty I am It was a Jew and an Italian to say your name How do you say your last name be Hari be Hari to youharie to you. And Beharie to you, sir. Joe, you should have let Joe handle that. Joe's an expert at my name. Danny told me, he goes, listen, man, Joe's going to do it because I don't want to fuck it up. And I fucked him.

I literally, Danny, and he was like, I'm about to holly. Dude, Danny almost said Mohammed Mohammed. That's stupid. Don't say that. Nobody sells Jewish. Sorry about that. Okay, relax. People will flip out.

There'll be people coming out of the woodwork. Fuck you're saying. What's this guy talking about? The hostages are free. Where are you from, man? Texas, grew up in Texas. I'm not talking to you. I know.

I do that. No, I'm kidding. You're Texas? Texas, grew up in Texas. Family's from Bangladesh. Well, what? Sorry about that. What part of Texas?

Plano, Texas, like near Dallas. No, no shit. And your family is from Bangladesh? Plano, Texas, like near Dallas. Oh, no shit. And your family is from Bangladesh. Where did you grow up? Pennsylvania. Really, and where's your family from? India. What part?

Of India? Yeah. Uttar Pradesh, near Delhi. Oh, yeah. We should've had him guess. You'd be knowing, Bob. We should've had him guess. And he would've been like, Lucknow, I feel like.

I feel like Lucknow. Huh, Uttar Pradesh? I'm getting a UP vibe from this guy. Well, it's funny because for a long time, like Indian dudes in my world from Boston, I didn't know you existed. I thought you guys were Dominican. I swear to God. I was Dominican, he's got a mustache.

He's not Puerto Rican, he's too dark. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Medford. Right, there's nothing going on. Sweater guys. I was Dominican. He's got mustache Not Puerto Rican. He's too dark. Wait, wait, where'd you go? What? What? Uh, I grew up in Medford, right? There's nothing going on. We had black people we had Asian I'm in one Asians moved in I think it was Vietnamese move into West Medford down and we were like whoa all the kids were like dude We gotta stop

All the kids were like, dude, we got to stop them. All the kids meaning Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know about that, right? Mark Wahlberg fucking went to town on like an 80 year old Vietnamese guy. Why? He's a millionaire. Yeah, he was. This is when he was like 15 then, you know?

And then like when, you know, it was wrong to do that two years ago or whatever, he gave him like a gift certificate to Wahlberg's or something. He was like, my apologies. It was actually P.F. Chang's. P.F. Chang's. He, well no, here's the thing, me and my friend, I think it was Chris, we went down, we didn't realize there was 75 of them in a one bedroom above the pharmacy.

And that's one family, by the way. No, they came out and said, one. They came, we saw one little kid by himself, let's get him, and all of a sudden, wow, it was like a Bruce Lee film in an alley. And we ran like motherfuckers. So you started shit and then they ran you out? Oh, they ran us off.

Of course. Because the kid is a fighter, but also an accountant for the business he runs. For his family. I mean, he's got a main talents. It is really. A little kid came up to you with a grenade and then you just sprinted away.

Wow. I want to play ball. Dude, Vietnamese people don't blow up in grenades. Yeah, why not? Don't fucking step on his joke. You know they do. That was the big thing in Vietnam. What? They would like, it would be like a little girl in a village would come up and this is just from the movies and then it'd be like, oh, the nice,

the soldier with the glasses in the Vietnam movies who was like the hippie. What would the little girl do? Yeah, he'd come up with a ball or something. What would she say? No, you know, a little girl, you want a candy bar and then you blow him like the hippie. What would the little girl do? Yeah, you come up with a ball or something. Well, she's a little girl You want a candy run then you blow them up with a grenade. What would you say though? I don't know. I don't know. Oh Wow, you are too far. I speak Vietnamese. That's actual Vietnamese Like good Vietnamese sounds racist. Yeah, we actually are racist for actually calling him a racist

I know for speaking speaking Vietnamese. Exactly. No, I really didn't, I didn't know about Indian people until I moved, let me think, until I, I think I moved to New York. Yeah. Where I was like, oh shit, these are Indian people. And then I didn't know about Indian comics until I met Russell Peters.

And now there are so many, you know what I'm really into? Indian action movies. Sure. RRR. That's the one. I don't know why fucking these aren't bigger with Americans because they're ridiculously over the top. You know why?

Because they're all four hours long. I love that. The average Indian movie is four, four and a half hours long. Every Indian movie is Oppenheimer. I love it. And I love that no Indian's for four and a half hours long. I love every Indian movie is Oppenheimer I love it and I love that no Indians fully in shape. Yeah Chubby guy You're seeing it the most in shape they've ever been you got to go back to like the 90s action movies and like boom

You could have you would have been in there, you know In India, right? If you're too good in shape, they're like he's gay. Oh, really? He's not gay. Oh really? He's not gay. We do that here too. Exactly. So, but they really are about it, about it, right? All right.

So they don't actually let not men be famous. So Rajinikanth, like South Indian guy, he's very famous. Looks like your dad, you know? He's like four and a half feet tall. Four and a half feet tall. He's just got a fucking sick mustache. He just throws a sunglass in the air, catches it. Everyone's like, he's my guard.

Yeah. Hey, I'm telling you, man, you can have the expendables, everybody shredded and fucking tax, excuse me, OK, fine. But that RRR with that dude who ran up over the crowd. You've seen it. Indians are the true expendables, because there's like 1.5 billion of us. So I mean, I'm just saying, you know.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you. Thank you very much. That was a good one. Self-deprecating. You can of us. So I mean, I'm just saying, you know, thank you my friend. Thank you very much. That was a good one. Self-deprecating. I love it. You can kill us. Listen, you ever been to India? There's just spare people hanging out. You know what I mean? Rob's a soft launching his Indian accent. I feel like. Can you do an Indian accent?

Oh yes, I can. No, you can't. Wait, let me try it again. He goes Polish or something. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do not, you do not yell at me. Arab. Don't yell at me. I'll tell you, Indian guys, I'll tell you what, Indian guys. I don't fuck with Indian guys.

Because Indian guys don't look like much, right? I feel like I can take 99% of the Indian men. I feel like when you look at an Indian guy, you're like, I'll fucking beat the shit out of that guy. Because I grew up with these fucking Italian, you know, Catalano and fuck, I didn't at an Indian guy, you're like, I'll fucking beat the shit out of the guy. Because I grew up with these fucking Italian, you know, Catalano and fuck, I didn't see an Indian guy. Like I look at you two, and I don't see much.

I'm busy. I'm busy. Not wrong. Not wrong. But I don't fuck with them, because Indian guys do not give a fuck. That's true, of course. How big you are, if you disrespect them,

they will take the beating, and they will either get, I remember there was a guy, I was at United Airlines, and I had to go to the fucking stupid service desk, and late for, everybody's pissed off. We're all pissed off. This guy was behind me. John Waters is in front of me, by the way. What?

Random? That's fucking weird. I had this fucking, this pushy Indian behind me, and I actually got a photo with John Wallace, but this guy behind me kept hitting the back of my Achilles with his cart. And I was like, dude, can you stop? And then he hit me three times with the cart.

And I finally tried, hey, stop fucking hitting me. He goes, you do not yell at me. I went, you hit me with the cart. He, don't matter, you do not, do not yell at me. And I'm like, but you, you're physically hitting me with the car. He goes, it doesn't. You do not yell. Disrespect me. I was like, this guy and give it up. No. Most Indian. You can fight an Indian and you might beat an Indian, but you were not coming out of that unscathed. No. And you're going to, you're going to, you're going to have the scratch or something. You're the staff infection.

Indian uncles, they fight like girlfriends, you know? So it's not about whatever they do first. As long as as you keep you call it out They're calling you out for that. So it's like don't yell at me for that But it's like that's what a girl would say when I yell at her How dare you yell at me for hitting you with a car? Yeah, exactly the way a girlfriend fight It's very girlfriend. Yeah, it's very girl. Every Indian man is a girlfriend. You do not yell at me Don't I you you hurt me when I you said that, and then they're fighting. But you raped my wife, I know.

But you do not judge me. But don't raise your voice. Don't raise your voice. Officer, this man would not let me rape his wife. You respect me and talk to me like a man. Okay. You're at Bodega right now, but you're almost there. Yeah, I'm getting there.

You're in Arab right now. You know, just go a little bit further east. First of all, start with a little head bob. Are you telling me to do this? Already better. I don't know you to do. But you don't get at me. I am the man, you are the man too. We really are the second Indian that Bobby has ever met. You can tell. He's third.

I met his once. Kind of a twat. He put his fingers in my mouth. It was weird as fuck. Whoa. So it is like, I think with Netflix, I've talked about this before, like Netflix, because it's worldwide, you know me and Keith were supposed to go to India years ago.

We were in Amsterdam. You're like, hey, this is fucking, you see these Indian guys? We gotta do something about this. You're gonna beat the shit out of them. Well, there was no Indian comics. I don't even know if Russell was around at the time. Maybe he was just, I think he was just starting

to come around. I mean, comedy back in the day was pretty much white dudes and a couple fucking lesbian chicks and some hot chick everyone wanted to fuck. There was no. It was a bunch of white dudes and Judy Gold. Yeah. That's it.

Think about, Think about like the 80ies and nineties. What Indian comic was popular back then? Just Russell. Before Russell, was there anybody else? No, Russell was- He was an eighties, nineties guy, wasn't he? No. Nineties.

Patrice was his friend, no? Yeah, but he was staying at Patrice's house. He was still sleeping on couches. He wasn't Russell at that time, late nineties, but I'm talking like 80s, early 90s, there was none coming up for me. Think of a, name one. None, there aren't any. Indians just got to the country in like 1970 though. No shit.

You didn't know like a random one Indian guy who was doing like the most racist shit? Nah, Boston, they had fuckin' old Irish guys driving cabs and shit. I swear to God, we didn't have Indian dudes in Boston. I don't remember, I still don't think they're allowed. No, I'm just kidding. He's never been to MIT, that's my problem.

Go to Medford right now, there's like an Indian mayor. Hello, Robbie, we're so happy for you for doing good things. You see an Indian move in your neighborhood, it's on its way out. I thought that's exactly right. Look, they might not look like they're rich, but they're rich. 100%.

And their kids are gonna be rich, and their kids are gonna be rich. They don't fuck around. My dad is, well, he has money. Every day he'll be like, I bought three shirts at Goodwill today. And that was his day. He's flexing, he's flexing too.

He's excited. He's doing selfies in it. Yeah, Indian dudes don't go, they don't. They don't flash. No. They don't flash. No, they don't flash. They fucking go for walks. They love a walk. Oh, with the hands behind their back.

Yeah, what is that? That one thing. What is that? They're inspecting. Bobby knows this. Yeah. Well, okay, listen, really it's a posture thing. What do you mean?

So when you put your hands behind your back, apparently it kind of straightens your back a little bit. Straightens your back out? Straight. Really? Yeah, that's what it is. Also, they're just pricks too. You know what I mean? That's what it is. It, they're just pricks too. You know what I mean?

It is more of an arrogant style of walking. It's an arrogant way of walking. Indians are very, you are an arrogant motherfucker. You guys don't fuck around. Well, there is an arrogant... You know what, you're right. I just did a road gig in Jersey and the only fuckers in the whole room were a table of Indian women who wouldn't shut the fuck up. Yeah.

You're right. And they were super arrogant about it. Well, think about it. It's like you come to this country, no one wants you, right? There's no respect. Everyone says you're like, you know, shitty dick and you suck, right? And with that, this is a direct quote from Bobby. But no, no, no, no, no.

But from that. I said I'm circumcised dick. Shitty, uncircumcised dick. And then they make money and within one generation, they're at the top of the food chain. So that will create arrogance in a lot of people. That's what America's supposed to be. Exactly. American dream is that you come here, you raise a family,

you have kids, and you get your kids school, and they become successes, and their kids. That's what we're supposed to do. No other country can switch up the whole story in one generation. And then those kids, they go beat up the Vietnamese people who just moved in. That's the cycle of being American. Try, you can try.

That's the American dream too. It actually is. Indians love shitting on other minorities. You guys don't, you guys are really racist. Of course. Of course. It's funny to me because white guys take all the fucking brunt for racism and we're not even most We're white. No, no, no, no, no, okay

You're giving a little Puerto Rican I'm just saying it's funny Colin Quinn says that my great-great-great-grandmother was raped on the Kiber past Yeah Yeah, I do. Yeah, and that's a like a legit situation problem that happens. Jesus. Yeah, he said, I'm not, because I say I'm Irish.

My name is Robert Patrick Kelly. He's like, you're not Irish. If someone knew it was racist to me with geographicals, you know, accuracy, why don't you get your mom raped on the Brahmaputra on the Silk Road? Hey, it's pretty good. Yeah, no, it's Quinn.

He knows what the Kuiper is. Knox, I'm gonna fuck your mom in Josh Shore. That's the district it's quick. He knows what the cyberbash Mom and Josh or the district Yeah, Quinn looks like a meth head, but he is a well-read fucking worldly man Yeah, very smart guy, but you guys we do get a lot of shit for I mean look at we we earn the reputation I guess you know definitely But I grew up you know I grew up with uh everybody in my neighborhood We were all poor white people poor poor Italians and Irish people, and the blacks, we never had, none of us had money.

We're all like kinda, not ghetto, but below middle class. And, but you guys are fucking, you guys are racist. Yeah, yeah, we are, we are. But the level of specificity it gets with racism with us, my mom would be like, don't talk to Eastern Bangladesh. You wouldn't even understand what that means. It's very specific. That's so beyond.

We're racist against ourselves. I would think it's East of Bangladesh. Yes. That ex-weezing, I'm stupid. I know what Eastern Bangladesh is, you asshole. I'm blown away. You gave me fucking longitudinal latitudinal. How am I not gonna get that?

No, but it is. You guys don't fuck around with that. And you get away with it. I mean, we don't get away with it I mean, then we don't get away with it You know where we don't get away with it is when we try to be racist to white people boom That's what happened with the Vivek Rama Swami He tried to talk to white people the way white people talk to black people and he's completely been shut out of the way I want to say something Vivek is the shit. He's smart. I. I mean, you can't not like that guy.

I agree. Very charismatic. Charismatic? I think I would have voted for that motherfucker. He's likable until he raps Eminem. Yeah, I mean he's- That moment you're like, buddy. Yeah, he fucked up.

Just doing Indian dance. I was sitting there going, okay, maybe DeSantis or whatever. Then he came in, I was like, this guy, smart fucking self-made millionaire, knows a thing or two about a thing or two, that's what we say in my family, right? That's what he, he got his masters in that.

Get a head on his shoulders. Yeah, a thing or two about a thing or two, right? That was his masters, that thing or two. Yeah, yeah. Most people get a thing. Yeah, exactly. Minored in or two. Minored in or two.

Yeah. But he was so fucking badass and cool, and it would have been, imagine if there was an Indian president, and we were that, we're close. We're very close. We're very close. We are in pissing distance right now. Now, is he gonna have Indian food at the White House?

He says, that's gonna smell good. He's gonna have only 100%. He's gonna have hamburger helpers. 100%, 100, it was the best arrogant people. He's gonna have St hundred. It was an arrogant people. Listen, we're arrogant as shit. Of course there's going to be Indian food at the White House. Okay. Of course there is. It's going to become the gold house. He's going to have a bigger table with Stouffer's lasagna. Black dude is going to be, yo, motherfucker, I've been cooking for these bitches.

I ain't making butter chicken. What the fuck is that? I didn't make butter chicken with butter. Are baby's kids in the White House? Yeah, I would imagine. I like how the White House cook is the same cook from 1850 in the White House. No, that guy was like, you want butter chicken? What the hell going on here?

Samuel Jackson? Yeah. This motherfucker. Why are there so many black guys in tuxedos in the White House right now? So it's fucking wild to me because now, too, this is the thing too, you guys are very macho. You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a macho, macho culture. You guys really don't, like, you know, they give Italian guys a fucking, you guys don't fuck around with mochiso. You guys are macho dudes. Listen, it's Indians, Italians, we're peninsula people. That's what it is, I think. What do you think?

I think that there's just something about the vibe. When you come and you beat your kids and you wear a beater around everywhere and you don't give a fuck. Italians are the last white people holding down that thing. Yeah, you guys are- That beating the kids thing. You guys are un-in-shape Italians. I mean, why? Are Italians not in kids thing you guys are unin shape You're pulling up ranks alone on us. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Luca Brasi was 90, 100 pounds, right? Chuck Zito. Chuck Zito. You go to Jersey Shore, situation, that abs. Those guys who are in love with carbs, they're in amazing shape. Amazing shape. What if we added more carbs to the carbs? What if we added carbs?

Now your food is... Not healthy either, though. It's not healthy at all food is... Not healthy either though. It's not healthy at all. It's pretty healthy actually. It can be. I love that you got, he'll say something, he'll deny it and you'll go, you're right. Yeah.

You know, cause I got the daddy mustache. That's why. Yes daddy. I'm gonna pull off my slipper. Some of it can be, but the American food in India is not healthy. But in general in India, vegetarian cuisine is very healthy. It's vegetarian, but it's spicy as fuck.

That's what makes it healthy though. Because you got all the turmeric, you got all the ginger, you got all the garlic, you got all that stuff in there. Right. So the food itself, some of the North Indian food is oily as shit, greasy as hell. People don't realize that, yeah, your asshole's fucked, but everything else is doing great.

Everything is, you cleaned it out. Yeah, exactly. Sure, your asshole must be sacrificed for the greater good. Okay, tell me right here. Every meal is a juice cleanse, you understand? We got a joda, what's joda? Joda?

Joda. Wait, wait, wait, wait. J-A-D-O-H. Jado? What the fuck? I don't know, I mean, listen. Click that, click that. All right, India's a gigantic country, so.

Jado is not even a real thing. That looks like literal death. But you gotta get Joe to study this for when he gets in front of an Indian audience and needs to do his food base what the fuck is this is not anyone no one he says yeah Megalaya yeah you're not finding Megalaya ends out here it's so big that I don't even know what the fuck yeah oh I don't know what the fuck is Joe search weird food in India he didn't search search he didn't search food in India. He's such weird food. He searched her. He's doing his dirty back there. He searched turban head cuisine

Hot belly dirt ball Dude that's a confirmation by baby shark hurry like what the fuck is that Joe? I gotta get let you off the hook. That's our white dude. Yeah, that's Zach. Okay. Yeah, it sucks 100% racist he was like I'm not where I see Danny tonight. Is it Danny? No, bro. 100% racist. He was like, I'm not working tonight. It's actually Danny tonight. Is it Danny? No, Zach just do Danny on the bus. Danny. Dog meat is not a cuisine.

Dog meat. That's not a, that's not a dog meat? That's in the Northeast. No, we're a vegetarian culture. What's your favorite Indian food? I mean, for me, it's not, nothing you would have heard of cause it's all stuff that my mom makes. Like what?

Curry, which is not curry. It's another dish, right? Why do you say it that way then? You say curry. I say curry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's another dish right buddy. Say it that way then it's you say curry. I say got a Daddy I'm fucking getting this Favorite dish I love fish curry fish. Cutty. Yes. No, no, not different. Oh fish curry curry. There we go curry Yeah, yeah, I like catfish curry is my favorite I remember we're doing bang bang and Lou's like what do you want to eat? And I was like diner Indian

And I was like, diner Indian. And I was like, we went to Indian first. And he rented out the whole Indian restaurant. He ordered the menu. And then we just ate until we fucking were gonna throw up. Are you still shitting from that experience? Oh my God. But it was, I didn't.

So you like Indian food. I love Indian food. What's your favorite Indian dish? I like butter chicken. Of course. It's phenomenal. And you know what? That's better than chicken tikka. I think butter chicken is better than chicken tikka. They're very comparable, but it's kind of the same thing. What's chicken favorite Indian dish? I like butter chicken. Of course. It's phenomenal. And you know what? That's better than chicken tikka.

I think butter chicken is better than chicken tikka. They're very comparable, but it's kind of the same thing. What's chicken tikka? It's very similar to butter chicken. What's chicken tikka? That was good. Sorry, we should clap. Thanks, thank you.

I want to clap every time. He is our master. He is one of us. So good, so good. Oh my God. Oh my Lord. Oh my Lord. Well, I dated an Indian girl.

Here we go. I was waiting for this. I swear to God. I did, Indian girl. Here we go. I swear to God. Yeah. I did. I did. I did. I met her at the club. This is early aughts, maybe late nineties. When I first moved to New York, I met this smoking hot Indian girl. Yeah. Which is hard to do. She was definitely Puerto Rican. Continued. This hot Indian girl named Maria Penches. Yeah. She had five kids, but it didn't matter. The pussy was still bomb. She called me poppy. No, she was an Indian girl and she took me to,

she goes, you wanna go to Indian food? My first time ever having Indian food and we went and we sat on pillows. Sure, sure. Okay, all right. It happens, it happens. Because your asshole needs the tenderness. You know? I'm opening up right now.

I need you guys to handle this. Black pillow in case things go wrong. Well, it was like a restaurant, you had to sit on pillows, and they brought naan bread, was that what it was? Naan bread over, and then a lot of saucy stuff. A lot of stuff, and we were dipping and eating and picking up with the thing and eating with our hand.

She was like, eat with your right hand, I believe. I had a fucking great night, but the last thing I wanted to do was kiss her at the end of the night. Because of the breath. My breath was fucking, I could feel my teeth. They were like soft. Vibrating.

India, the main ingredient is anesthetic. You know what I'm saying? We get in there, we fucking lock it in. Well, it's funny because they show all these videos on Facebook and TikTok and all that. It's that just this dude cooking on a rusty fucking plate. He found those. And he's just throwing... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He found that.

He finds the one where he puts his foot in it and then he keeps cooking. Yeah, he's just dipping into sauces and flipping it and folding it. Why does IG send these videos to everybody who doesn't want to see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like you're clamoring for Indian food video. Oh, I am I am An Indian food foot I type in fly taco Sounds like a way of saying pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's disgusting, horrible. It really is a pussy. Pussy in Flint, Michigan.

Nasty pussy, yeah. Fly tacos are crazy. Can I get a bit of a fly taco? You want to get in there? Are you going to leave me hanging? Sorry, buddy. I suck. I did many.

Sorry, I'm sorry. No respect for us. We're arrogant like that. I deny your daps. Oh, you do not dab. Not my dab, I dab you. What is your ACT score? Eva.

Okay, dab. Okay, dab. Okay, target 60., tap at 16. All right. You're getting there. He's getting better. He's getting better. He's hanging out with us.

It's like Osmosis is saying a better Indian. You're gonna do a little cat at the end. Yeah, exactly. Though there was this video I saw, it was crazy because like I said before, we were supposed to go to India and I was very excited. We're gonna go for a month. And it was, I don't know, it was like, oh shit, I think 20 grand,

this is me and Keith Robinson back in the day. And we were supposed to go and they were like, you can't, we need you to type out your whole set verbatim because there's censor police in India. And if you say anything against the government or against some whatever. This is 20 years ago? Yeah.

And they'll arrest you. And I was like, what the, it against some whatever. Was this 20 years ago? Yeah. And they'll arrest you. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck, it freaked me out. So I was, I go, all right, I'm gonna go to Internet Cafe. This is before you even had a computer on your own. All right. And Keith came out with a wrinkled piece of paper with the, he ripped out of a notebook.

Yeah. He goes, ah, how do I get it to him? I'm like, what? You can't. We have to go type it out you fuck. So we went to an internet cafe and he was just, L, type it out as shitty act one finger at a time. And needless to say, we did not get the gig. If you, if a black guy, she's an Indian guy on a basketball court. It's like, Jesus Christ.

When an Indian guy is a black guy typing with one finger on the computer, it's the same feeling. Typing like a tyrannosaurus rex. This guy is not doing, what, can someone, what is that? If you see an Indian guy typing fast, it's like, he's Superman. Yeah. But it's like our ceiling is so high for IT. It really is, man.

Now here's a problem I have. Now I am racist. Yeah, I know. Same. But I am racist like everybody is racist. I got scammed and it just so happens all the time it's one of you guys. I didn't know we were Nigerian. He was forcing the Rachel Slur back into his soul. You never met one Nigerian guy? I'm like, move, move, move. I'm going to tell you about that.

You're right about that. They've taken your spot a little bit. Because my son was over the Christmas break was, he's like, dad, I met a, he got dumped by his old girlfriend. He's like, she dumped me, but I got a new girlfriend. And he showed me a picture of this beautiful Spanish girl. I'm like, he goes, I want to send her $20 for Christmas. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How long you been dating this girl? He goes, two days. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not sending, give me that. He was dating a Nigerian guy named Nuntukduk for fucking two days. Prince Nuntukduk to you. But yeah, my girlfriend Olu needs money. I was like, fuck it, asshole, we had to change his number, take everything off his phone.

He was fucking dumb dumb. Sweet kid, but it's like. You go to the phone and he's like. It runs in the family apparently. You got scammed, your son got scammed. Well I got scammed on my credit card by Indian dude. So here's the problem, here's the fucking rub. I'm sorry, okay.

So I got scammed by the Indian guy. I call up American Express. Who answers the phone? Indian guy. I hung up. Bobby's having a paranoid fit where everyone's Indian around him now. I call back. Cancel my door dash from Palace of India.

I call back four times until I got an angry black woman. I was like, I trust you. You can always got an angry black woman. I was like, I trust you. You can always trust an angry black woman. Hello, American Express, may I help you? Here's the thing, it was an Indian guy impersonating a girl named Sheila. I'm sorry. It was an Indian guy being like, how you doing?

What is the thing over in India that they're scamming all the fucking time? And here's the funny thing about the scammers. They, like I told you, they're macho motherfuckers. They get caught and they get mad at the person. Bro, I have the story for this. Okay, great. Okay, and the best thing about them

is what they'll do with their names, right? My philosophy about these guys is they're like, you know how pirates used to be in the Navy or something like that, right? These scammers used to work at legit call centers and got bounced out, right? So they're kind of like pirating on the high seas of these scammers one time I called again isn't there and they're doing the Social Security scam, right? Yeah guy gets on the phone

He's like, yeah. Hello accents all fucked up, right? He can't do the American accent. Yeah. It's like, oh, hello I'm like, yeah, who's this? Yeah. Hi. This is a special agent Dax Mullen called himself Dax Mullen Okay called himself Dax Mullen immediately. He's like, I'm calling from the Social Security Administration. It's a great white guy name though. It's an amazing white guy name. Dax Mullen is a great choice. He puts himself as a white guy.

He's like, I'm a white guy who fucks a ton. You know what I mean? Dax Mullen on duty. He's swinging dick, you know? So this guy's kind of scam me and all this and that. I know it's a scam. I'm playing along. I want to have some fun with it.

Oh, do you have a house in San Antonio? I'm like, yeah, I do actually. All the things that it would lead him to believe that I'm a drug lord or whatever And I finally get to the point. I'm like, what should I do Dax Mullen? I'm like, what should I do officer Mullen and at this point he catches he's like so I'm gonna need you to do me a favor I'm like, yeah, what is yeah, I'm gonna need you to take a banana Peel it and stick it in your. And then he just hung up on me. I had a guy call me up about, there was a scam that,

I owed the IRS $5,000. If I didn't pay it, they were, he was like, they are coming to you right now, and they will be, and I'll arrest you. And I was like, listen man, and he's like, I'm telling you right now, I go, all right, I'll pay you the money if you spell Massachusetts.

And he went, fuck your mother fuck. You fucked that Indian front spelling piece. Indian front spelling piece. He got mad. For some reason when these guys get mad, they always get gay with the anger. I will lick your asshole with my own tongue. You're like, you showed me, buddy. It's a weird thing.

It is a weird thing because they are all, it's weird, they have like a whole scam house. It's a bunch of, you can hear the other scammers in the back doing the same script. So it's like a literal scam house and they all make money and they pay commission to them. Yeah, they money ball the shit though.

They're like, listen, it doesn't matter. We throw all this shit against the wall, see what sticks. We're gonna get some 90 year old person. Yeah, I know. And then that's how they do it. It's so fucked up, because I watch the guys who fuck with the hackers, who fuck with this camera. And they get into the camera and then they know their name.

They get almost excited, like, ooh. And they call it, he's looking, oh. We're gonna be on YouTube, finally. They don't give a fuck. But it is a fucking crazy country, because there's a billion of you motherfuckers over there. And what are you gonna do? You gotta scam some of them.

I mean, a rupee, what is a dollar? Seven million rupees? A dollar now is probably like 20 rupees to a dollar. That's it. The rupee's doing pretty good now. See, here's the thing, back when we were gonna go, like somebody told me, you can get a kid for like a dollar a day.

Listen. Not, I'm gonna stop. A dollar a day? I don't know what's up there. Hang on. One dollar a day? That's renting a kid. No, but you can get like somebody to take, you know, certain.

Oh yeah, you can take care of them through one of the. You can get somebody to get you drinks and be around and do all your shit all day long for like a couple bucks. Yes, definitely. I was like, I wanna go there and have a slave. I mean, that is what it is. And here's the thing, it's like a willing slave. He's like, I am your slave.

Yeah. Tell me what to do. They like it. Here's the thing, you have to understand, India's coming up so hard that eventually white people will call India to scam them with Indian accent. That's true.

I can't wait. Hey, listen. Hello, my name is Adam Jahn. Let me tell you something. I'm gonna send a fucking, listen. Hello, my name is Adam Chum. Let me tell you something. I'm going to send a fucking dead cow to your house, you crock sackers. Stick your fucking curry in your assholes. Dead cow to your house.

It's the Godfather scene. But with the cow head. But with Indian people. Yeah, you got it. Oh no, oh no. Typical Indian how to explain it. Bengali, dumb. It's a Cuman thing.

Now is India coming up? Is shit going down over there? India is doing really well. Is it? Yeah, India's economy is growing very rapidly. What is it growing? Right now it's like the fourth largest economy in the world. What's it growing from? What is it? IT services industry. Besides spice. Spices. Spice, what is it? What are they? What is it? IT services industry. Besides spice. Spices.

What is it? The spice road? Yeah. What? Imodium pills? Is our main export? They got steel. They got a lot of natural resources there too. Steel. But IT services. Back in the day, you guys were the fuckers. You guys were the shit. India used to be the wealthiest country on the planet

for like a thousand years or something. Yeah. You guys were not fucking around for a long time And then you fell off. We fell off hard. He fell off hard. Yeah, a little British and some Nigel was like All right You really they really stuck it to you for a while yeah, they did they're getting it back though How long was 250 years 250 years. 250. For the Brits, it was like 200 years. Yeah, long time.

And then I saw one scam that I loved in India that was just such a terrible scam. The guy would walk around with shit on a stick and flick it on people's shoes. And the other guy would walk over to him and you get shit on your shoe. And they'd go, there's a guy over there that cleans shit off his shoes.

All three of them went in together. That's a classic scam though. That's something you could find in New York. You can't find a shit, you can't find a three card shit Monty. That is a pure Indian three shit Monty. Yeah dude. That is fucking crazy. Now, but it is, it is, and I get a little mad at you guys, because we. You're existing. No, I love, look at, dude, I love Indian people. I have a group, my doctor that did my surgery, if he's not Indian, I ain't fucking, there you go.

There we go, there we go. You think I want a fucking Greek doing my surgery? Your doctor is Shaniqua Davis, the hell it is. Yeah, fuck off. Absolutely not. I mean, I don't want you flying a plane,. Your doctor is Shaniqua Davis, the hell it is. Yeah, fuck off. Absolutely not.

I mean, I don't want you flying a plane, but let me tell you something, surgery, physics, you guys are fucking the guy you want to go to. But you guys definitely litter a lot. You don't care about fucking litter. That's true. We get a lot of shit for littering, fucking up the planet, and I feel like America,

not to stick up for us, but I'm gonna Trump listen, I love America. What are you kidding me? Love Trump huge fan. You guys are Trump fans I like Trump. He loves from way more than I love Trump. I like fucking all in I like I like his comedic vibe Yeah, I went to the MSG rally. Yeah, I had a VIP pass to go get the fuck who yeah back No, you saw another guy You can't unbrown this Pass to go get the fuck who? You think that's the only one Next on the outs is more prominent in the inner circle. Yeah for sure. You guys are definitely cut you got coming a hot We got you stayed Indians now. Yeah, you do man. Yeah, we're gonna have an Indian president

Yeah, we are going to yeah, yeah Donald Trump will take us. Give it like another generation. Yeah, it's coming. It's coming, because you guys don't fuck around. We fucked around with fame and fortune. You guys fucked around with legitimate schooling, hard work, and raising your children. And we were just like, do what you wanna do. Italians would beat their kids

and then they wouldn't make them study. They would just beat them to take out their day on them or something wanna. Italians would beat their kids and then they wouldn't make them study. Y'all should. They would just beat them to take out their day on them or something, you know? It was like, he's a little horny. But Indians would beat them and then like go read something. Yeah, go read something. That was the essential.

You gotta have bad grade on the tests, you know? And don't beat their study hand. Yeah. Italians, you don't just beat whatever body part. You don't know what's going on. You don't hit their pencil finger. Don't hit the pencil finger, man. Keep them locked in.

It really is true, man. You guys are not fucking around. My mom was a, I mean, she used to beat me to study more. Like that was like a legit, man. Keep them locked in. It really is true, man. You guys are not fucking around. My mom was a crybaby. She used to beat me to study more. That was legit. It was beat him to study more. What did she beat you with? The dough roller was the main one.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. We call it balloon. Sandal, any sandal. Sandals. Sandals are classic, though. Hand is really the preferred thing, though. Really.

The same way a switch can really hurt, quick hand can also. A nice slap in the face. Yeah. What did y'all get weapon-wise? Well, I had a stepfather who used to literally punch me in the face. That's not good. That's an emotional problem. And step means there's no end to it.

There's no like, I love you end. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we just took it too, we either didn't do it or we did it too much. Yeah It was an open dialogue therapy or the dump I'm not gonna talk to you to you 38 Or I'm gonna fucking throw you downstairs And rape your mom She's are too far. What do you want emotional or physical? Which one

But you guys now do you have to marry You choose, you choose. Which one? You'll hopefully tap the head. Rape. But you guys now, do you have to marry an Indian woman? No. It's preferred. For my mom. Your mom wants you. Bengali, like a, but she doesn't, at this point, no. Doesn't give a fuck.

So if you brought some white Irish chick home with thin lips, she's gonna be happy? She'd like it. I mean, they like the white. You know what I mean? They like the pale skin. All right, let me rephrase that. Shaniqua comes home.

Well, her hair looks like a carousel. Her hair looks like a carous Her hair looks like a doctor Shani Kua, you know what I'm saying? She takes her wig off hang on one second her Indian wig It's so funny because all the weaves, a really good weave is Indian hair. Yeah, not American Indian, because we wear them out. It's from the temple. They take the temple, they take the hair, and they give it to Shalwanda. They grow their hair beautifully long. Indian hair is the most prized hair for wigs,

I think, in the world. Yes, it is. Because you have beautiful hair. Why? Yeah, you guys all have great hair. Yes we do. Why? Yeah, you guys all have great hair. What is up with that? I thought you were gonna go like,

great hair, shit faces, what's going on? I mean listen, you know, I still have found the Brad Pitt of Indian dude faces. Oh, that's Brad Arm Pit for sure. I mean, you're a good looking dude. Thank you. But you're Indian. Yeah, I know, makes it even better.

Well. There's a swathiness to it. There's a danger to it, you know Is there is there an Indian guy that is sexy? Like universal. Yeah, the heroes the heroes you go to the Bollywood of the Bollywood heroes Yeah, those guys are all like, you know, like as they try to manicure themselves for a long time They were taking their cues from what is what is attractive in the West? What is it? So I want a six-pack abs, you know before it was all the pot bellied guy themselves for a long time. They were taking their cues from what is, what is attractive in the West. So I want a six pack abs, you know, before it was all the pot bellied guy.

It was all a bunch of Robert Kelly's running Bollywood. You know what I'm saying? Hey, I'm just, wait, I can't get any get back here. No, you can get some, I said you're a good looking, I said he was the ugly one. I said you were the good looking one. He didn't say I was, I should have, I should have. It's always the opposite.

He's the good looking one actually. Who's that? I don't even know. That's not an Indian guy. That's my wallpaper. That's half Greek half Indian. He's Indian. Yeah, that's good. So if you're Indian you're just Indian. What do you mean? If you're a mix. Oh, you mean like that? Is there an Indian like Italian that you guys know of? Hold on. Moss Perricone? Oh, yeah. I don't think he's actually genetically. Or hot, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you guys, you really, not until recently,

did you start like dating other people. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, the last 20, 30 years maybe. Yeah. Where it was okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you gotta really love the old school

60s Indians who were going to white girls and being like, hello there, beautiful. Yeah. That guy was charming. That's the downfall of you guys. It is 100%. White women? He's right, white there, beautiful. That guy was charming. That's the downfall of you guys. It is 100%. He's right, white women. White women, it's the downfall of everybody.

Because when you marry an Indian woman, you're marrying another mom. You're basically getting another mom in your life who's gonna instill the discipline, you know, if they didn't keep you on your toes. White woman's just like, no, let's just enjoy all this. And then by the end of it, it's all squandered. Yeah, she's like, let's open a coffee shop. I've always

Choked with out hopes and dreams. Oh, yeah, you need a chick who just wants to be family Yeah, of course and you motherfuckers are ruining that Your generation. Yeah, you have a girlfriend. Yeah, what's her name? Felice? Is she white? No Chinese Chinese Was Chinese American? Well, you guys are fucking doubling down on smart Kids are gonna come out going uh 75 000 plus 75 Or it could be the worst of both, you know, I love how Bobby's idea of high math was addition Was that addition I didn't even know that was 75 addition. 75 plus 75, he's like, this is what it is. What do y'all do at MIT? I thought that was multiplication.

Rob is doing 70, 75 with the fingers. Seems like I do long addition. I don't fucking, I actually did my, during the pandemic, I did my kid's homework once and he failed. But he failed and I literally got into an argument. I was like, Max, that's wrong. He was like, Dad, I think it's, I go, that's wrong. And I made him change five answers.

All five of them were wrong. And then you, he brought the GoGrade back to you and you beat him for the grade. No, my wife said, you're on art for the rest of the pandemic. Yeah. And you have a girlfriend. No, we're emailing with Olaf until your grades come up. Okay. the rest of the pandemic. And you have a girlfriend. No, we're emailing with Ola.

And to your great come up. Okay. No, no, I'm just out here. You got no chicks. I don't got chicks. All right, I'm out here. All right, cool. In the rotation.

Usama is the brown Brad Pitt that you've been looking for. Are you? Yeah. Really? I'm out here. I'm, you know, he's a huge fuck boy. Really? He's notorious.

His confidence is fucking annoying, but hot at the same time Why'd you call him hot like you're I mean for me there were my taste. It's a it's a age thing He's a little light-skinned. Yeah Legendary comedians prefer me. Sorry buddy. I've run with whatever rando retarded doors. I like more caramel If Dej will cause you hot I'm gonna click on me I like more caramel. If Dejmel calls you hot, I'm going to click on you. Man, I'm a mother fucker, hot as hell. Now are you guys religious?

He, Parno's more religious than I am. I am, yeah. Now is it Hindu? Hindu, yeah. Now explain to me what the Hindu religion is, because I've heard a lot of stuff. Am I your god? Actually in a manner of speaking, yeah. I mean, your first Netflix special was

groundbreaking to me. Oh, I'm talking about physically. Do I look like, is it Buddha? No, the Buddha is related though. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're a fat fuck, of course. We get that. Robin was like, am I hot? And Robin's like, you're a funny guy.

You're a real funny guy, and I wanna say that. That's what my wife does. You're hilarious, bring that check home, Chubby. Let me ask you a question. What is the religion of Hindu? What is the religion of Hindu? Yeah, I don't understand it. What is it?

Well, Hinduism is a very diverse... It's not really a religion, but it's really more of a civilization. It's more of a culture than it is. It's really just the Indian culture is what you define it as as so any region that you go to people might worship a different deity But the things that remain the same throughout right or the basic principles behind how you were It's really more about how you worship than who or what you worship. You lost me five hand I was like, this is not gonna go well at all. All he heard was ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. I'll tell you what, my kid wants to piss me off.

He has a soundboard on his phone and he plays it. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. No! I swear to God. Oh no! He loves the song. He's already racist in a fun way. Love the kid.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Yeah, so and you're not religious. He's Muslim. I grew up Muslim. You're Muslim. I mean, now I don't follow a lot of the tenets. You know, I don't really have the discipline for Islam, but I grew for Islam, but Islam is no joke. You can't fuck around with there's a lot more discipline like rigid like hit there's a lot more like

Broad values and like you can kind of like that's why all the hippies went to India Yeah, the 60s because they was because of the Hindu stuff, you know Yoga and the breathing and all that right? Yeah, Islam is more rigid in terms of its ideology But there's all types of Muslims that like it. Now do you pray five times a day? No, I've never done that. Really? Well, one time I did it.

Not even when you were a kid? One time I did it, just to try it out five times. We got to wake up at dawn to pray the first one. Fuck, man. Fajr is the dawn one. I'm telling you, we were just in Boston recently, Massachusetts, and we had to stop for gas, and I was coming out and I was trying to go back to my car

and there was two Muslims who worked at the place. Yeah. And they were just on mats outside. Sure. In the way. I'm like, can you guys just do this out back? Okay. I mean, East is East is East.

It wasn't even. Bobby would love India, actually. It was just too homeless. They'd be locking and hitting with sticks, the Muslims worshiping on the road. Oh, do they really? Yeah. It was just two. They'd be locking and hitting with sticks, the Muslims worshiping on the road. Do they really? It was just two Muslim guys sleeping on the road, like homeless.

And he's like, can you stop praying for a second? They weren't even Muslim. It was two dark browns. It was homeless Mexicans. Can you stop praying to Allah for a second? It is a, it's kind of a tough religion. If you're going to be in it, you got to, look, Catholic is easy as pie.

It's Sunday. Yeah. As soon as you get the bread, the dominus ominus, I'll see you next week. I mean, but the same way that Catholic has a lot of rigid rules too, Islam has it, but people follow different levels of it. Right, but I feel like in Islam, if you don't follow it, so you don't have to be.

I mean, technically, right, but there's all types of people like You know that it comes in all forms right those people who are like super Muslim fuck you if you're gay fuck you You're gonna go to hell then the people were like listen I drink I fuck but I won't eat pork you know they like they parrot cherry pick some of the you don't eat pork I Work, oh what the fuck are you bro? I'm just a fucking Industries, bro. Wow. But you don't eat meat. I eat meat.

What are you? I don't eat beef. You don't eat beef? You can't eat the cow. What is up with the cow thing? It took how long for it to go full cow mode? Hey guys, I just love meeting somebody who's never encountered a beef before.

Well, I know Russell Peters, but you wind up talking about rap and shit You know I'm blowing away how Robbie Russell wider than me. I agree I'm blown away that you have you've escaped Indians for this long. I know I can't say that's pretty amazing I'm telling you we didn't Can't even detect them. That's the problem Yeah, I swear to God to God, and I have Indian friends, and I fucking, I love the family part.

I love that they're family first. I wish more Italians, Americans, look, I'm not gonna say Italians are very family first, but I feel like this generation, I feel like we're going back to it. I feel like we got away from it in the late 90s. We rebelled against religion, we rebelled against family, and then the 2000s was just all about anybody could be,

once the internet came, it was like about Facebook and Instagram and MySpace and X and Twitter, all this shit, like Be Famous, Talk and Scroll and all that shit, and I feel like the discipline for a child is vital to their moral compass into being a well-adjusted person, and I feel like Americans, look, you go to a park when I was a kid, there was nobody around. You go to a park now, it's a bunch of middle-aged women

and fucking Lexuses and Mercedes on their phone ignoring their kids. When I was a kid, you fucking went to the park, hung out with other kids, or you hung out with your mom or something, you did something as a family together. And now I feel like we lost, but you guys kept that tight. You guys, your father father your father's father You kept that tight you're getting an education. You're gonna be successful

You're gonna have a job. Yeah, and you're gonna fucking take care of your family and take care of this family We're the motherfuckers well, but listen the thing you got to understand is everything happens on a trajectory in this country, right? Mm-hmm. So the next generation generations after ours are gonna be more and more and more American Yeah, that's just how it is. Like we're not we're not going to just stay and be like hey you have to do this and that And the other thing like I'm not marrying an Indian right? Yeah, at least that I know of right My brother's first wife was an Indian, you know what I mean? He went back for the second one because he learned his lesson But you know what I mean, he named his kids American names, white names.

You know what I mean? Dylan, Ryan, that kind of thing. He named them Irish names actually. Yeah, we're the O.B. Harries now. What was his last name? What was the kid's last name? Be-Hari. Be-Hari?

Yeah, my last name. Dylan Be-Hari, Sean Be-Hari. It could pass for Italian. It sounds like a nickname, Ryan. Yeah, man, Sean Be-Hari. It works. It works. It could be Italian. It sounds like a nickname. Yeah, man. Sean Beharie. It works. It works.

It works. But the kids and the kids and kids, they're going to slowly lose the thread to India and Indian culture and all that. Yeah. Just become more American. It's kind of sad. It's a little bit sad.

Do y'all do those? I always like the Italian Sunday dinner. Do y'all do that? Well, I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. Oh, I don't mind. So we did fucking. Oh, God. Corn remember. So we did, uh, fucking. Oh God, corned beef Tuesday. No, no, no, no.

Irish Catholics, you know, like you'll get a steak that was cooked in a frying pan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And a potato and like carrots that were boiled with butter and salt. And you were happy to get it. I think the famine wasn't that there wasn't any potatoes.

They didn't want to eat them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking cuisine. Well, my mom, when she married her third husband, the good one, Larry, he was Italian, Italian. So he cooked. Oh, nice. When you're in an Italian house and the dad's cooking,

that's fucking Italian. And they would always pasta and meatballs and spaghetti. So he did all that. But I married a fucking Native American pollock from Everett, Massachusetts. God damn. What pollock's got the stroganoff? They get that?

No, no, no. Perogies. Look, everyone has their cuisine, but you know. Anyone can do meat and bread correct. Yeah. That's given. Everything else, if you can't make vegetables good, you suck.

Perogies, I fuck with them. Perogies. Perogies, shit. Perogies are great. Perogies, I fuck with them. Perogies, shit. Perogies are great. Perogies, no joke, it looks like fucking something that came out of a cow's asshole. Also, it's like a high cuisine. They're like, what if applesauce? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if sour cream? It's true. It's very high-storied cuisine. They stole that from the Jews. Yeah, that's also true. They took that from the Jews. Which is why, you know, why would you take Jewish cuisine, but anyway.

You don't like Jewish cuisine? Until 2.30 p.m. It's all good. After 3.00 p.m. it's like, get the fuck out of my house. What? Because dinner sucks, but breakfast, bagels, you got deli pastrami, phenomenal. Sure.

But gefilte fish at seven, what's going on there? You don't fuck with latkes? It's lunch food. Latkes is good. Is latke our lunch food? Yeah. What about a knish? A brunch food, actually. Kanish. Kanish is a breakfast food. It's a lot of lunch food. What about a knish? A brunch food actually. A knish.

A knish is a breakfast food. Is it a breakfast food? Jewish bakers are very. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Something about them and others. No Jewish dinner has ever trumped anything. Fuck.

Yeah. You're right. I know. Damn it. I know. I didn't know about that. Lunch, phenomenal, breakfast, let's go. Now you're mad that the hostages were released.

Now I'm. I'm not asking questions. Why did you release? You didn't release, damn. Why, why do you believe you didn't do it to him? Why'd I get that one? Why'd I get that one? You're hot and I am right, I hate hostages. Oh, there he is. But yes. He was upset.

But yes. You were. I was not upset. I always was upset that they were alive for sure. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Above the olive tree. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Above the olive tree.

Oh, I know. Above the Zionist olive tree. Zionist. What a great word. So rules of tongue. It sounds like a super, like a Marvel word. The Zionists say, yeah. Exactly.

Now you guys, it is, I feel like, I do feel a little, I don't feel like I'm racist because I don't know Indian culture, I don't know Indian dudes, but you guys have just kind of started taking over in the last 15 years of standup. And I think it's because of Netflix, because, listen, back in the day, comedy was American. It was a little bit of British, a little bit of Canada. Of course.

They were acting well, right? John Candy, you had a little Mike Myers. They were comedy actors. They were like improv guys. Improv, which is one letter shirt of improve. Hey. But they. He's not a math guy.

He's a, he's English guy. That's where his genius is. All right. Um, Gary Gellman once tapped me on the back and said, good job. So now I know I'm an asshole. But it really, since, uh, Netflix and since comedies went worldwide, it's like, okay, we have to, you, I feel like you guys started seeing, like, generation before you, maybe,

or maybe your generation started seeing standup for the first time, and was like, oh shit, I wanna do this. But you know, it's interesting, because the life cycle is kind of the same way. So you have like, kind of Indian comics doing 80s stuff right now, in a weird way. Like, you have like comics where like, men and women.

Oh, in India, you mean? Yeah, yeah. So it's like, the life cycle's still the same. It's still those embryonic stages where it's like, women do be shopping a little bit. Yeah yeah yeah. And we have to get through that. But here's the thing, because the market's so huge,

that women be shopping bit has eight billion views. Yeah, has like eight, I mean. Women be buying spice. I mean, pack, my wife came home with pack of peacock. Women be shitting. Women be wearing flip-flops. Eight million views. Just because.

Well, it puts out a new video of him being an Indian accent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A whole new career. I'm telling you what, Indian crowds down at the cellar when there's always like, fucking- Fire. Because they don't get offended. Yeah, right. They don't get offended at shit, it's very real.

They have money, they have money. When you have money and you have a good job, you don't give a fuck about politics like that. Plus also, they come to a comedy show with the correct expectation of seeing, hearing some wild shit, maybe getting, and for them it's a rush. They're getting, I did a show,

I headlined a show in Jersey this weekend. Poked fun at a table at the end. Braggart. They loved it, They loved it. They loved it. Yeah. If you went to Mumbai, legit, if you went to Mumbai today, right, did a show, you would have the best

side of your life. I would. They would love you. I really would love to go there. Ever since we were supposed to go, I was so excited. Yeah, you, dude. We were gonna spend, they were gonna put us in five-star hotels, they were gonna fly us,

business class out there. I think we were getting 20 grand each. We were gonna spend a month in India, and I was like, I can't wait to go check out this country. I was so bummed out that we didn't get to go to those kids' stupid henpecking piping and our shitty acts. But I would definitely love to go back to India

and check it out, but I am scared, because it looks, here's what it looks, I've been in New York for 25 years. New York is overwhelming, there's a lot of people. But India, there's a lot of motherfuckers. There's a lot of motherfuckers. Down the street. It's crazy there.

And it's a little overwhelming because I feel like I've watched travel guys that go over there and it seems like you gotta know what the fuck you're doing or have somebody, if not, you're going to get yourself in trouble. It is crazy. It's like living underwater if you're not used to that. Do it in India.

You know what I mean? It's a whole different fucking thing. It's a whole different culture. It's a whole different way of being. People are very nice, right? Shit like that. And they would love, they love when foreign people or whatever come and you want to do that joke, they're all going to come out and see you.

But to negotiate being in a city in India no joke you go to New Delhi you're instant asthma and asthma oh yeah emphysema you're immediately if you're a jogger in New Delhi that's that is less healthy than you just staying at home eating butter chicken you think New York like populations dense literally you're like in India right you look down you're scissoring a kid. Yeah, exactly. You're scissoring him. You're having a threesome, basically. You're having a threesome with like two kids.

You know what I mean? You've got someone's dick up your ass. And they're all coming. Yeah, everyone's jizzing, too. Everyone's coming. That's why there's so many people. Guys, when are we going? I want to scissor a kid.

You guys sold. I love arts and crafts. Let's not say that. Yeah, it looks overwhelming. It looks like I would need to go with somebody that knows what the fuck they're doing. And dude, add Dhaka, which is the capital of Bangladesh, even more population does. No shit. It's insane.

How do they survive? How do they? They don't. How do they? They die. Well, now you understand why it's easy for Indians to thrive here. Because they're wearing ankle weights their whole life over there Right working their asses off right and then they come here. They're like shit is kind of easy here even

Education wise it's very competitive very difficult to what the education there even do they have good education in India India has very good education Yeah, you know Very old education Say stem again step. I don't ever do it again because you know, science and math. It has a very old education system there. Hang on one second. Say STEM again. STEM. Don't ever do it again, because you know, I did multiplication earlier, and now you're fucking putting in little short phrases

that I don't know what the fuck is. STEM, I love celery. STEM cell research is big in India. Also true. Now is it like, can you go, like you can go to Turkey Turkey get an awesome hair transplant? What is India know you can go get some drugs at the pharmacy probably? What you do that Mexico, you know, so it's just that yeah. Yeah, is it a third-world country?

India's still it's it's emerging out of it. But India is still very poor. Yeah Yeah, but even China is still poor as fuck people just don't show you that right because they can't oh you'll be killed Yeah, you can still see it. know what I mean now now Pakistan is right next door yeah oh yeah and you guys still fucking hating each other I mean the Pakistanis hate the Indians more the Indians are kind of over it because we're you're the Israel we're a much more powerful country ex Pakistan's the technically the Israel of South Asia really yeah cuz they're the made-up so you both have to came in a new yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Both have nukes.

That's frightening. Yeah. It's kind of like, you know, Dallas, Fort Worth, Fort Worth, like, fuck Dallas. And Dallas is like, who are you guys? Yeah. The India is like the powerhouse. Yeah. Pakistan is kind of like in shambles, you know, is it really a lot of corruption going on? Bangladesh could be. They can go either way.

They just had an insurrection. They had like a lot of revolution going on. So both Pakistan and Bangladesh are kind of, who the fuck knows what's going on. India's power up, it's powering up. Yeah, I get that vibe, man. The Indian dudes, Indian dudes are kind of just fucking everywhere now.

And here's the thing, the better the Indian economy is, the more confident Indians are bars. So you'll see them kind of hit on girls more, like what's up, you know? Because our country is like coming up yeah I remember I talked to him just did the order though where no birthright citizenship or like h1b types anymore yeah the population is gonna stabilize here of Indians in America okay explain that to my listeners and when I say that I mean to me yeah so there was a big controversy about the h1b visa which a lot of

Indian tech companies will use to just flood America with Indians I mean, they can't really flood them. There's only there's a cap on how many you can come right debate Oh, let's remove the cap and then people are like fuck. No, you know what I mean? Yeah Now Trump just signed an order yesterday basically trying to remove the idea of birthright citizenship for two people who Have a kid, but they're citizenship for two people who have a kid but they're not citizens. So they have a kid here yeah that makes them a citizen. The Indian way of doing it was like to an Indian couple would come here on H1Bs

work at some tech company or whatever right but then they would have a kid here and when you have a kid here then that makes you eligible for the green card. Right. The kid's a citizen right. So if you get rid of that you're kind of now stemming the flow of Indians into the United States. Right. So the population is going to stabilize with that. I think it's a perfectly fine, but they're still going to come. It's not going to stop them coming. Yeah. Cause Indians love to come. They love to come. I mean, that's literally one and a half million. Exactly. But yeahling and jizzing. Yeah.

But yeah, it's it's it's not going to stop them because like the Indians of America, they want to come here. Yeah, I don't know. I've never like it's going to stop them. You think it's up? It's going to stop. Even the Indian government was like, yeah, tell us all the illegals that you have here. We're going to repatriate them.

You're going to bring them back to India. Yeah, they're going to fucking bomb them out, right? Maybe. But you know, it depends if India can do intelligent things by making certain allowances and Putting up less red tape to start businesses and stuff like that Especially these people have come over here and gotten some business experience. They could potentially come back and become a real asset in India Right. So I it's it's amazing to me too because the accent is everything You know what I mean? Like the way you're talking right now. Yeah, it's fucking you up. It's amazing to me too because the accent is everything. You know what I mean?

Like the way you're talking right now. Yeah. It's fucking you up. It's not fucking me up. It's like, I'm so happy you did it. Are you waiting for like an orange beer to unfurl and fucking us to go like this? Oh, I knew they were Indian.

No, I love this though. I way prefer this than the white guy who thinks he's like, oh namaste. I'm like shut the fuck up bitch. I way prefer this. No, Bobby's very real with this. Let's have a real conversation. You know what I mean? So pretending like you know everything.

Of course. Well, I think it's important that like Americans, we, when I grew up, you went to fucking New Hampshire for a vacation. That was another country. Yeah. You know what I mean? True.

But Europeans and everybody else went to other places and learned about shit and learned about other cultures. We just weren't a cultured people. And I feel like now we're starting to get a little more cultured. America doesn't have to be cultured though. But we're terrified of you people. We're terrified of anybody different.

I was scared to go to Belgium at one point. I was like, dude, they're bombing people. My friend was like, dude, shut up. They make chocolate. They have canals. They're bombs. Yeah, so I was like, we are terrified of what people put out there of other countries

my whole life. And then to go to, like I went to Guatemala, I went to Cuba with Ari Shafir. I mean, terrified. Why do you go to the worst countries? I think it's cool that you go there because I think being scared is important. I feel like it's important to be a little scared.

100% agree. Because I think you need to understand that you're all right. You'll be all right. And it also makes you appreciate, when you land in America, you're like, fuck man, we got it good. We, and not just me, because I'm a white dude from Boston,

everybody here has it fucking pretty amazing that you can walk out on the street and go to a restaurant, get in a cab, get in an Uber, get in a Subway, and for the most part, not be raped, murdered, or fucking killed. Or you're gonna die of some fucking medieval disease. Or some crazy shit.

Every Indian Brown kid or whatever has that memory of that first trip they do to their home country, and it's harrowing right because you're like a kid, right? Your mom's going to meet his family and you go and the first thing you see is like a homeless guy with no legs on A cart like clawing to you straight up do that every day. That's the mayor of the city Who's that homeless guy that's sir homeless guy to you and he claws up and you're like, you've never seen anything like this. Bourdain did this where he went to the first Asian country, his whole thing changed, what he was talking about.

Asia is an explosive place. But it's for thousands of years it's been that. And if you haven't gotten to the third one. No, it hasn't been like that for thousands of years. No, it was just. Homeless Guy Cart was a new thing. Just people, like just a lot of people. I mean, it all started with it.

We came here, what, 400 years ago. So we're such a new, yes, we're busy. We have busy cities and stuff, but nothing. People have been over there fucking and surviving for thousands of years. Of course, of course, older civilization. One of the old... India's way up there in terms of oldest oldest civil

What's the oldest? Egypt Mesopotamia Babylonia. Yeah, but even that they were trading with India as well all the way back then too I mean in this valley in this valley station right all the way back all the way back. Yeah invented irrigation Yeah, right because it's funny because we I guess we all looked like you at one point, right? We all were dark-skinned people. It's funny because I guess we all looked like you at one point. We all were dark skinned people. It's kind of been more of a... We love to get into these genetic conversations.

Where did this come from? What? Handsome Rob. You're handsome. Well, who did we fuck? Who did one of you guys fuck? Rob was like, I'm hot because someone fucked outside of the Indian group. Thank God someone went next door to fuck somebody

so I could have a beautiful bald face. Well, listen. Um, no man, well listen man, I fucking, I actually have an affinity for Indian dudes. I think you guys, like most Indian guys have, people have great sense of humors. And I love the family aspect of it. I love that they take care of each other. I wish more, you know, look, more cultures did that.

I really, I feel like America, you lose that. I hope you guys don't lose that. No, we're gonna lose it. We're already losing it. Well, I mean, you're a, you're a negative Nelly. I'm just being really are American. That's just what it is here. You know what I mean? This is what it is. What am I, what am I? Why don't you stop dating out of your fucking piece of shit? I like Asians. You were Korean. I was about to jump you body Bonnie. That's just getting a little chubby. When Bob laughs, he does look kind of Korean.

He's like, I really do. One of my brown friends, he put his mom in a nursing home. She's 57. We're white. That's crazy. You're not supposed to do that. Indians go to nursing homes once they're 800 years old. But y'all seem like the first crack knee. They're like, Dad, I have a strokes cover band to me.

We gotta go. We gotta put that house in the market. Yeah Harold I'm sorry Harold you gotta go you mean dad Harold it is now your parents still alive. Yeah, that's great. It's still close. I love my parents you too Yeah, we're both like mama's boys. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're both very family-oriented. Yeah. I love my family so much. That's great, man I think that's fun. That's the one thing that I love family-oriented guys. Yeah, yeah, love my family so much. That's great, man. I think that's fun. That's the one thing that I love, family-orientated. I think that, I think kids really, American kids, first thing they wanna do

is get the fuck out of there, away from their family. Yeah, I wanna- We had a phase two. Yeah, but you never lost contact with your mother. No. You're always, she'll fucking still yell at you and slap you in the fucking head. Of course, yeah.

I talked to my mom a few times a week. I mean, when I got earrings, my dad stopped talking to me for two months I love I had to write him a letter like I'm not gay dad But if I was except me and then he called me that's a gutsy thing to say Right on the edge right up working with mercury right there, but if I was I kissed a guy dad And then he called me he's like did you eat and that means like we're cool. But it was like two months ago. Ass? Did you eat that ass?

A little gay? And then he tells one time in Amritsar, I also. Yeah. He has one story. But as long as you're not a bottom, my son is only a top. You understand? In an A plus in gay, and we'll be good.

You fuck the American. Only fuck American buttholes. You do not take it from an American. You fuck an American. I'm getting better at this action. So listen man, you're living in New York now? Where you live? Brooklyn. You live in Brooklyn and where you're living? Brooklyn as well. And Brooklyn. We got right now New York Comedy Club. What is it Danny? What do we got? They have their show January 29th at New York Comedy Club. What is it Danny, what do we got? They have their show January 29th at New York Comedy Club. What is it, you stand up?

This is our podcast, yeah we do stand up. You do the podcast live? But no, this is just our show that we do. So we do a podcast called Mango Bay on YouTube, it's like we just hang out. Check us out. Can I just say, catchy name. Thank you.

Very cool. And then we do a show, live show, me and him host it, we got our friends up on the show, comics, hilarious comics. And what is- You ever wanna do it, we would love to have you, Bobby. Oh, dude, 100%. Are you kidding me? I fucking love to do it.

Please, come. Is Indian people coming? There's a lot of Indian people there. I'll tell you this, this is what you guys got that I fucking, I've been saying this for 15 years. You need a people. What do you mean? You need a people.

Oh, like a group, oh, 100%. I don't, I never had a people. Like a demographic. Yeah, like it hurt me to have an Italian I'd have to go full There's a guy who is that guy online like little mozzarella Yeah, he's like who wants to get hit with a semolina Yeah, and he just throws some elina's so you could be that guy. I would have to be that guy. And I can't fucking, you know what I mean?

I can't, you don't want to be that guy. We don't come in and like turbines and the shawl. We all want to be our own people, but also service our community. But Indian people support other Indian people in a big way. Not correct. Not you, because you're not Indian looking.

But you. They love me. They love you. Why do you give them that Indian look? What's up? I'm you're not Indian looking, but you. They love me. They love you. Why do you give them that Indian look? What's up? I'm Bengali by the way, but yes. Whatever, you look more Indian than him. This guy looks like fucking an Italian pasta maker.

Somehow that's not a compliment on either of us. It's true. You called me a pasta maker. Pasta maker's a racial slur by the way. It's a racial slur. You look like Mario's brother. Yeah, Luigi. It's got a name.

It's like Mario got singed by Bowser a little bit. Yeah. I love when people support. Look, if you have, if gay people will come the fuck out, women come the fuck out if you're Matt fuck out. If you're Matt Rife. All right, listen, we're going to take this right here. All right, so you guys, make sure you check them out. Their podcast, Mango Bay.

BAE. All right, relax. Well, I get it. They would type in Mango BAY, and BAE would come up. Yeah, fucking goddamn Indians. See how that is? Listen, Bobby's a genius of his group, so he knows how to talk to them.

I'm a genius of the dumb people. And make sure you check out websites. You got a website or anything? Just call me on IG at usamastandsup and at yourmangobay. Me at pranahaha. Spell that. P-R-A-N-A-H-A-H-A.

You love spelling. I'm Indian. I know. We love it. Spell that. P-R-A-N-A-H-A-H-A. You love spelling. I'm Indian. I know. We love it. We love it. We love the spelling of words. God damn, you see me. He was like, P-R-A-N-A-H-A-N-A. You guys are fun.

I'm glad you guys came on. Thanks so much. We're going to go to Patreon now, but guys, real quick, before I do my promos, because I usually do your promos, then my promos, and then I let the guys do it, but it's so anticlimactic to the end of the show. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon.

I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. Patreon now, but guys real quick before I do my promos because I usually do Your promos then my promos and then I let the guys do it, but it's so anticlimactic to the end the show guys What do you got? Hey, this is Joe Russell check out the cheese show on YouTube. Just type in the cheese show See Joe's also gonna be on the mango bay show. Oh, yeah, he's on every one

Indian audiences love Joe love Joe fucking shit them better over Joe You better write some fucking curry jokes. That's what I tell, we've been telling him. Write some dosa jokes or something. Yeah, write some shit, Joe. Stop with the eggs and pancakes. Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram.

Besides fucking autism. Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff, and see me at St. Pete Comic Club January 31st and February 1st. What do you got, Zach? I'm producing a show January 30th at St. Mark's 10 p.m. Please come out. You can follow me on Instagram at ZacharyUnlimited.

Thank you. You know what, Zach? You got better. You scare me into improving, Bobby. Don't get fucking carried away, Zach. No, Zach. Go check out these guys. Make sure if they're around, check them out. Tell them you heard them from him from the show go to punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly for all my tour dates

I am all over the fucking place until I don't know I'm just working my my wife's got me out there, and I'm so happy because I masturbate on the road So I'm excited. I'm gonna try some scissoring I'm gonna try to get with a bunch of Indian people in the center. I'm gonna find some scissoring. I'm gonna try to get with a bunch of Indian people and scissor. I'm gonna find a cemetery, Danny style. And make sure you check out youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy. My special's up there. All my stand-up's going up there.

Please like and subscribe. Please just fucking push the button. Thousands of people watch the thing and then you look at the fall and you're like, what the fuck? I need a people So if you're Indian watching this cuz I got the two other You're my people. Yeah, I love you. Like I've never loved no one before

He went you know, you change I like no one ever You asshole I almost had him you almost almost, almost. But he overshot. I got excited. Make sure you go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly if you want to see the after show where we ask these guys questions from you, only on patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If not, I want to thank you guys for watching the show. Hope you enjoyed it and we'll see you next time on You Know What, Doug?