Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #574 | Greg Fitzsimmons & Rich Aronovitch | Nicest Comedian

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

This week Greg Fitzsimmons & Rich Aronovitch join the pod and talk some s**t about nice comedians, and how they don't sell tickets. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original.

The original. The original. All right, what's up everybody? I'm Robert Kelly, and this is You Know What Dude podcast live at the Comedy Cellar studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. Do me a favor right now, just hit the subscribe button and hit the like and get in those comments. That's all you gotta do for a free show every week, you cheap son of a bitches. Or if you really want to help with the show show patreon.com slash Robert Kelly So I can pay the autistic kids and the one white kid who has an attitude who produced my show

Anyways, ha Danny. Who do we got today man? We have Greg Fitzsimmons and rich Aronovich That's so funny house excited to you that they're regular names. Yeah, we had two Indian comics on what were the names Danny who saw a sadii and Pranav. Pranav. Pranav. What's his last name? If you showed it to me, I'd be able to say it. Try to say it. I'll nail it. I'll look at looking it up and I'll nail it. I just getting it. He was panning. It's Pranav Bihari. That's it. You got it. You fucking weirdo. What's up, man? How are you?

You look exhausted. I'm exhausted. Why? Two kids. Yeah? Yeah, one in four. Talk to this, Mick. I got through it, man.

I got through the exhausted phase, and now I'm in the fucking who cares phase. It's sweet. Launch complete. I promised my wife I'd give her 18 years of parenting. I did it. You know, it's like I'm the booster rocket. Yeah. You break through the atmosphere and you go good fucking luck.

And then you float back to the sea. Yeah. Kids are growing up. Yeah. Twenty one and twenty four. Wow. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question. Are you proud? Am I proud of me. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question. Are you proud? Am I proud of me? Yeah, not you. Very proud of myself. Not you, you piece of shit.

I'm talking about like when I think about what I've accomplished. My biggest fear is that I'm you know, I have one. But, you know, it's like, please don't be me. Please. Yeah. Yeah. Please. I just want to be. You know what I mean? I'm don't be me. Please don't be me. Please, I just wanna be, you know what I mean? I just wanna. You're gonna be you. Here's the thing.

They're already not you because by the time you're, how old is your kid now, like 15? No, he's 11. No, he looks 15. He does, he's big. By his age, you were in rehab or something. Yeah, yeah. So, you know.

I forget that. He's already ahead of the game. This time, I think I got a girl pregnant. Yeah. I swear to God. It was a girl, Tawny. I loved her. She was my girlfriend. And I remember we had sex.

And I didn't know what Gizzy was. I didn't know what it was. And I just did it. And then they would call me, I remember summer camp, they would call me Father Bob. And I was like, huh? I was like, I was so scared that I got this girl pregnant. Well, blame the parents.

They gave her a stripper name at birth. Tawny. Now on stage four, Tawny. Oh, she was, I was so thankful that she was banging everybody else. So it was like, it was just a hodgepodge of dicks that was in this girl. And you were how old? I was 10 or 11. Now, yeah, probably 11.

How old was she? 10 or 11. She was 14. You were molested. That's all the way you look at things. I mean, I thought I was a rock star. She was a cougar. Yeah, dude. It was the early 80s. I was a motherfucking pimp.

Now it's molested. Back in the day, it was like, dude, high fives all around. I mean, I thought about that like when we masturbate, I don't know how far back you go. I go way back. Way back. Because the first spanks are- Masturbating yourself or another friend? What's the matter with you?

I don't know, I'm just trying to open up. You bring me on a show like this. I'm sorry, go ahead, you masturbate. You fart in the room. I did not fart. Twice. Nobody knows that. That was off air, and I dare you to prove it.

I had hair when I walked in here. That's how I prove it. That's how bad that fart was. It was so terrible. You ran away from the table. But you still as a guy enjoyed it. There's still... There's still respect.

It was still like, dude, that was bad. It made me wish that we were on an airplane and could giggle about it. It was respect. It was, it was still like, dude, that was bad. It made me wish that we were on an airplane and could giggle about it. You ever do that? Get on a plane with a buddy and fart and then laugh? It's my favorite thing in the world to fart on a plane and just see people.

I farted on stage one night. I farted on stage one night. I had awful gas. I mean, rotten eggs. It was worse than that. It was rotten eggs with shit. And I remember I farted and the fucking girl in the front row hit her husband and got,

she was like, stop it. And he was like, what? He's like, stop farting. He's like, I didn't. She's like, yes you are. And she looked back at me and I was like, should I tell her? And I was like, nah, nah, nah.

The best is when you hate the crowd and then you do it. And then you look at all their faces and you go, I'm the last guy you think. Who would think that? I'll do it in the microphone, I don't care. Do it in the microphone is a very rare thing where it's funny. Where you get that, it's a very, you where it's funny. Where you get that prrrr. It's a very, you roll on the dice,

because it could be just, and they're like, what did you just do? They didn't even hear it. And then, do you know what I mean? And if it doesn't smell, it's just a dumb, weird thing you did. Yeah, yeah. If you shit your pants, that's a standing ovation.

That's viral. Shitting on you, dude, has there anybody shit your pants, that's a standing ovation. That's viral. Shitting on you, dude. Has there anybody shit their pants? Is there any comic? Yes. Who? A Canadian guy, I think his last name was Horowitz. I heard the story.

He was like a cheap guy, you could guess by his last name. And he was eating, I said it, Maranovich. Trump back. We're doing great things. Elon Musk, KK, he's eating KK ketamine. Anyways, so he, he sat, it's out in the sun, he takes a whole Caesar salad, no one's like, no one's eating this?

And he downs a whole big bowl of Caesar salad. And he's in the middle of his act, and all of a sudden he makes a face, and there's like shit running down his leg, and he runs to the backstage He wipes up he gets sweatpants on and he goes back out on stage because he wanted to get paid He had sweatpants backstage. He had sweatpants for some inexplicable reason. Is this a bit? He travels

Get the shit pants. Yeah Yeah, this shit and he went right in. Oh, is that, he's good looking. Oh, I thought that was a comic. I was like, wow, why is he not famous? No, that's Joe Joe. Pooped himself on stage. Wow.

Shitting yourself on stage must be, I've shit myself over the years. And there is something to, after you get past the fact that you shit Well, you're just like Yeah, this is alright I'm gonna take care of it. You mean on stage or just in general just in general. Yeah, shit your pants. Yeah, I Never done it on stage, but I've done it while other comics were on. I was running back and forth, back and forth.

I was on stage one night, and Norton comes up to me, he goes, dude, stick around. I was hosting. I go, why? He goes, something's wrong with my stomach. So I'm sitting there watching. All of a sudden, he's like, yeah, I was over, and this girl, huh?

And he ran off stage. And I just ran up and go, hey, guys. He was gone for like 10 minutes. He came back on and he goes, I'm good now, I'm good now. Didn't even affect him. Just dumped. What were you saying about masturbation though? Well that you go, I go back like the earliest pops

are the ones you really remember. Those girls when you were in high school. And then I think sometimes like I go back and I think about Jill Goldstein. A lot of Jews on this show. And I still think about her. And then I think, well, that's, she was only 15. So this is wrong.

But then I thought, but I think you're grandfathered in. Like as long as you did it before you were 18, you can still pull from a 15 year old photo bin as you now as me now that's a tough one slippery slope that's a tough one if you're doing it as you in your head I'm not imagining myself hey how you guys doing. I got a special on YouTube. Yeah. You looking for a field hockey coach? Yeah, you like, you want to rub a bald head? Yeah. You like male pattern baldness?

Look at my, my balls have no hair in them either anymore. It fell out. I'm a doctor in this fantasy. Welcome to the Olympics. I don't know the fence, man. That's a, that's a little rough. That's a tough question. That's a question for the agents.

Yeah, it is. That's probably something you don't want to put on a podcast. I can't. Especially's a tough question for the ages. Yeah, it is. That's probably something you don't want to put on a podcast. Especially not her name, which we did. Wow, he's on this one, it's fine. It's all against Rogan. It'd be funny if she's a big fan of the show. She writes in crayon. She has arthritis now.

Yeah, dude, I remember Tawny. I don't ever, I don't have memories of girls. Like I need a fresh memory. I can't go back that far in my memory banks to like girls I like, because I remember there was Tawny. Then there was Rachel, no she was older. Then there was, yeah dude, back then it wasn't any, there was Tani. Then there was Rachel. No, she was older. Then there was, yeah dude, back then it wasn't any, there was this crazy.

So you need somebody that you've made, to me it's like, if you're a young woman, and you get within 15 feet of me, you may come up later. You may come up in my mind at one time. Yeah, you're like the guy from Silence of the Lambs. Yeah. The one that's, look at the blood.

That one. Right, right. Yeah. But I remember Nick DiPaolo had this joke. He's like talking about going into the bathroom on a plane to jerk off. And then the flight attendant, no, no, not the flight attendant.

There's a woman who stops him. Fat woman goes, are you gonna be long in there? He's like, well I am now. I think Nick DePaulo is one of the most underrated comedians. He is so fucking funny and good. His specials are just hilarious. And I don't understand why he is not like on Netflix or whatever.

I mean, I know he's a little whatever. Well, you and I know him from when, you know, when he was, Nick came out, he played fucking college football, he's one of the, I'm not gay, but like one of the better looking guys I've seen in my life. Woof, woof. but like one of the better looking guys I've seen in my life. Woof.

Woof. And he would kill as a young comic, and he had women like literally lining up when he got off stage. It was fucking crazy. And I used to think, God, he doesn't have to be funny. Guys that good looking are never funny. So it was such a lethal combination of this cool guy in a fucking leather jacket who was tough

and was also funny. Like there's no reason for it. Yeah, it was a God made him. Yes. Usually good looking people aren't that funny. Why is that? They don't have to be. They have good looking privilege.

Thank God everybody in this room is funny. Judging by what I'm looking at, we're hilarious. Yes. I look like Luigi's father. You're from Beantown too, right? No, I'm from New Orleans. Like I said, you're from New Orleans, right? Yeah, I'm from New Orleans. A lot of research on the guests. I was great about YKWD. You know what? Because I said Y-K-W-D, you fucking asshole. I hate the name of my podcast. Everybody. So bad. Y2KWMD. Sunday Papers.

Sunday Papers, that's a good name. It describes the Sunday Papers, which you read. You know everybody still reads the newspaper. Oh, very popular. First of all, nobody knows what a newspaper is. Remember, I used to wake up, go to the bodega, get my shitty cup of coffee, get my pack of all, nobody knows what a newspaper is. Remember, I used to wake up, go to the bodega, get my shitty cup of coffee, get my pack of cigarettes, and get the two papers, the Daily and the Post,

and sit on the stoop and just thumb through that shit, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee. I love the paper. Do you know how dumb you sound when you say the two papers and the two dumb papers? It's the Post. Not the New York Times and the Post. The voice, the village voice. Buddy, I couldn't read the New York Times.

Are you crazy? That was for a different type of person. I'm not one of one with I'm not one of these. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, these people. You know, I can't aristocrat. I would get confused with having to open it and it would just get all mumbled up and you have to go to C4.

Yeah, maybe a mid sentence. What do you think, I read the Globe? Fuck off. I hated the paper that you had to figure out how to open it. I like the book. I love the dumb guy paper. Write to page six, read the gossip,

and then skim through the thing. Sports starts on the back page and you work your way in. Oh, I love that. I love that. The daily and the post was the greatest. And then in the summer, it would sweat off in your hands on the subway. Did you fart again?

Yes, I did. You son of a bitch. Wow, you're a bad person, Robert. You invite us in here. The worst part is that I could see, I was like, why is he looking at me so intensely right now? Because you didn't want me to notice. Yeah.

I didn't want you to know. I had something. You thought you could just stare me down and I wouldn't notice? Oh, it's terrible. My wife got me. God, honestly, I don't know if I can do this. I mean I have a special coming out, but this is too much YouTube guys listen my wife gave me these stupid drinks these stupid healthy drinks then I'm sorry I started drinking and it's supposed to help you

with your brain and healthy and I drank it. You sound like a genius. Help me with brain. Honestly, I can't promise. Is there a bucket? I don't know. Gonna throw up. What is this?

That's not it. That's not the protein shake. I took these drinks, they're little tiny drinks, they're green things, and she's like, you gotta start doing these. And I'm like, all right, and I took it, and now there's something wrong with my ass. You brought us on here.

I did not do that. I am appalled. And this is in a recording booth. Imagine you do this shit at fucking SiriusXM. Oh, it's horrible. Wow. This is high- This is the kind of fart I think differently of you.

I'm sorry. I apologize to both of you. I will not toot again for the rest of this show. And if I do, I promise I will exit the room, toot, wait three seconds so I don't trail it back in. Three seconds. Five seconds. All right, but here's the key to that.

And I do this for my wife. If I have to fart, I do one. I fart once, just so she knows. Who the boss is. Yeah. Like this is my place. But then once I've set that up and she gets it, the next fart, I'll be a gentleman and I leave the room

But you can't just leave the room It'll leave the room take your pants down to your ankles and then fart so you don't get pockets of fart in your pants That is a This is part science. Yeah, like I've never heard because if you keep it in your pants it Lingers more correct if you open up the air it just it's out. You bend over with your pants around your ankles. Wait a minute, it's getting weird. You bend over. Well you made it, what is it called?

YK, don't stop. You know it's right in front of you. It's everywhere you're looking. It's there, it's there, it's there, and it's right there, and it's on the TVs. Now you're just being a 20 Los Angeles cunt. Why? Call me a Los Angeles cunt. That hurts, doesn't it? Why does that hurt? We're on fire, okay?

By the way, I was in Janesville, Wisconsin this past weekend. Name dropper. Oh my God. Where is Janesville? It was great. It's outside of Madison. Great little club. It's so much fucking fun. And but, you know, it's Jamesville, Wisconsin. And they had a box set up as you come into the showroom.

And it said clothing drive for Los Angeles fires. And I looked at them and I said to them, I go, look, that's really sweet. But based on what you're wearing right now, I don't think people in Hollywood want the stuff you're turning down. You want a dirty flannel and a car hide with a stain on it? Nobody's even your size in Hollywood. Yeah. And they're fucking loaded.

They're in their other house right now. Yeah. No, not everybody. That's the misnomer about the Hollywood fires and the LA fires. Serious time with Greg. What do you mean, misnomer? There's black people. No, what does nomer mean?

Misnomer. Get here. If you're at the New York Times. God damn it. It's in the Post. Ha ha ha. No, there's a lot of black people that live in a place called...

Ha, what the fuck, Greg? You racist. Come on. Wow, you don't even know what it's called. There's an area of L.A. Compton? No, no, it's actually up near the Valley. You're talking about the place, the first... It was one of the first black neighborhoods

in LA. Something, LaMinda. Yeah, right, right. Because they didn't allow people to move into Pasadena. Right. So all these black people started a community outside, what is it called, Latinda? Oh, Jesus.

Wow, you sound, really. So for generations, black people have lived there. Right. And now their houses have been burned to the ground. And it's not like in Boston, the way you guys did it. This was because of a forest fire. First of all, you're from Boston. No, I'm not.

Where are you from again? I'm from fucking Westchester County. Tarrytown, New York. Buddy, I'm Westchester, Bestchester. No, I'm Southern Westchester. You're Northern Westchester. I'm Northern Westchester. I was Greenberg for a while though.

Oh, that's Tarrytown. Tarrytown is part of Greenberg. I was in Greenberg for a while, and then I got my shit together, and I moved up to Ryan Reynoldsville, and now I live in Katona, which is, I love it so. When you move into a fucking good one,

like I don't belong there at all. Yeah. We had to go by earth tone clothes, I love it so, when you move into a fucking good one, I don't belong there at all. We had to go buy earth tone clothes, because I had all black. I was just showing up with a hoodie with a kooky sang on it and my bracelets and they were like, what? And I had it, Don got me a nice green quilted jacket to throw on so I could go to the gay bakery

and get my queen Lamont. Oh, is it one of those towns? Yeah. Catona, dude. It wasn't when I grew up. When I grew up, it was the sticks. There was a lake up there, right? Catona. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lake we used to go to up there and it was all fucking hillbillies. It was not now, dude. It is. It is like you walk in by these shops with clothes you've never seen anybody wear. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that, that smock that only Martha Stewart would buy. Yeah dude, I saw a scarf in a window.

I was like, I'm gonna get that scarf. It was $230 for a scarf with a little tiny skulls on it. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Meanwhile, you haven't worn anything in 10 years that wasn't given to you at a comedy club. Yeah, I'm a festival wearing motherfucker. There's always chattering teeth on the lapel.

Yeah, there's always some type of, some type of a rustlers comedy club. Not even, you got the wow on. I mean, I was gonna say, I'm wearing Cafe Wow. I can't believe I'm not wearing anything. Well, this was actually a crashing jacket. This was for the writers. Now let me ask you a question about crash. He wrote for crashing.

You wrote for one of the head writers, right? Sure. No, I was just a writer. Like I said, just a writer. But the thing is about being just a writer, which is better than the head to writer. I'm glad you weren't the head writer. Yeah, no pressure at all. You don't want that pressure.

I wanna ask you a question. I was on crashing. You were great on crashing. Were you a part of getting me on crashing?hing. You were great on Crashing. Were you a part of getting me on Crashing? No. You weren't. I mean, I didn't actively work against you, but I mean, you're friends with Judd, right?

I, yeah, me and Judd are friendly friends. I mean, we don't know each other's numbers. Judd did a lot of the picking of the comics. Oh, he did? Yeah, I would say you probably should thank Judd. All right, I'll thank him next time. I mean, I don't have his number. You want his number?

I hung out with him last night, we went to dinner. I went to Gary Goman's, Sunday night I went to Gary Goman's one-man show. Yeah. The new one that he just put out, and Judd was there, he was way down the other end, but I was fucking, buddy, I'm fucking finished. I was in tears. It was one of the funniest one-man, I'm fucking finished. I was in tears.

It was one of the funniest one-man shows I've ever seen. No shit. And I was blubbering, I was blubbering, crying, trying to get you like, and my wife was like, it's okay. She was almost like, all right. You mean he moved you to cry, to tears? Moved me to cry. Is he still talking about the depression?

No, he's talking, it's all about his growing up and where all his depression came from. Oh. And it was fucking, I mean, funnier, I mean, probably just hilarious, like killing, killing, consistently. Thinking, okay, this is going to be this. And then he just went here and then went back, and then, I mean, you gotta go see it.

It was. Well, here's another guy like Nick DiPaolo, played college football, good looking dude, and still hilarious. Very funny. Yeah. I mean, too much. And love Seinfeld. Who?

I don't know. Gary. What'd you say? Gary has a bit about it. It's a... All about Seinfeld? Yeah, he has a whole bit about it. Oh, he doesn't like Seinfeld?

No. Yeah, Greg hates it too. No kidding, I don't hate Seinfeld. Didn't you say that? Anyways. I'm sorry I brought it up. Sorry I brought it up. Sorry brought it up Part of you want a writer on the show. I mean science. I was not gonna see this. Yeah, you're safe

Yeah, if I said Jim you hate Jim Norton you'd have a problem maybe If I said I didn't like uncle nasties Uncle Vinny's uncle Vinny's I don't like the crowds like Uncle Vinny's, then I'm in real trouble on this podcast. It's fucked up though that we're, like, I mean, how long you been doing it? Since 20 years. 20 years, you've been doing it, how about 35?

35, I've been doing it 32 maybe, something like that. It's fucking weird, because I've been getting to the point now where I'm like how long am I how long do I do this? Yeah, like we're right. Is there a am I gonna be doing this? Am I gonna be the guy in the back? Just eating soup That SD gave a spot to You know what I mean? I'm a headliner. Let me get a soup.

Where's my crackers? I ordered crackers with this. I like this. I'm going to go see this. Oh my God. I love when you went. I know who you're talking about. Let's go see the... Oh my God! I love him, he went, I know who you're talking about.

Yeah. I did that today on Bennington. I threw a comic under the bus, not by name. I described a comic that I had seen on a show the night before, which would have been last night. And how horrified, what a fucking hack he was. And I didn't even say anything really more than that. And he fucking knew who I was talking about

and described him to the point where the guy now knows I was shit talking him on Bennington. Oh, he does? Yeah. Oh shit. Yeah. The first thing I was like, was I on last night? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did the same thing I was like was I on last night? Wait, I don't think I went on the show because I really try not to trash comics. It was rich. Yeah. Yeah You should be like shit. He's here

Side effects of Viagra, I really try not to shit talk comics on podcasts, but it's hard It. It's really hard. It feels so good. Because a podcast should be an extension of how you talk just in general to other comics, and there's a fair amount of shit talking. There's a fair amount of shit talking, but it's also like this goes out into the, shit talking is with us. I know. There's a comic code.

And when you go on this thing, that's what I did when I first started doing these stupid things. I didn't understand people were gonna listen to these, and it was gonna be available forever. And someday my kid, he's going to fuck. My special called You Know Me, it's on YouTube now. And by the way, if you go see it because you listened to me on this show,

let me add, first of all, it's YouTube, it's got about a half a million views right now, which I'm very excited about, it just came out a few months ago. But write in the comments that you heard me on TKTS. TKTS www.ykwd. He's got his pants around his ankles and he's walking back in. Oh no. He's got his pants around his ankles and he's walking back in. No.

I realize it's making it worse. That pulling your pants down thing. It's good, right? Here's what's making it worse. I have tights on. Why do you have tights on? Thermals. But who would say tights?

Who the fuck would describe thermal? Bobby Kelly the ballerina. A man who is in touch with his feminine side. Yes. He said I'm wearing tights. And I'm the dancer. You're wearing tights. He pulled up his tutu to make a poo poo. Oh, my God. Anyway, I have my Timberland slippers on and. Wow. Well, I have thermals on.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And I have to have my pants and then I have the thermals and it's making a Dutch oven type of thing there, which is not a good scenario when you have the toots. I like the way you said Dutch oven. Sorry. Underwear as well as the tights? Yeah.

Okay. Is that where I messed up? That's a lot of ball sweat. It's a lot of ball sweat. That's just a lot of balls sweat. It's a lot of balls, a lot of squeaky balls. I like balls sweat. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that. Do you ever do the sniff? You ever check what's the flavor? What? Pull my hands down there and smell it? Yeah. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah.

Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, it's kind of the thing you have to fight. It's a, it's a, I shouldn't do this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a father. Yeah. I have a house.

Yeah. I have a wife that loves me. Trying to do the right thing in life. Yeah, I'm gonna spell it. Yeah, I'm gonna spell it. I always thought I grew out of that stuff. Like, I can't imagine Joseph Donlin, my grandfather, World War II vet, worked for the ATF,

being down in the basement and just reaching down his trousers, taking a nice sniff of his balls. Smells like freedom. I think that is our generation thing where the guy was like, I'm gonna take a sniff of my balls. Can you imagine the greatest generation, like that guy was like, I'm gonna take a sniff of my balls. Can you imagine the greatest generation, like that guy just going, yeah, what does my ass smell like?

Lazy. Because they don't care and they wouldn't have done anything about it. We would get on some fucking website, there's so many different ball sweat websites, you roll this roll-on, there's powders. You go into the rabbit hole on Reddit. Yeah.

Does anyone else do this? We started trimming our pubes. We are a shit generation. How do you trim your pubes? You shave? I've done it. I don't do it anymore because they're falling out because I'm 55.

You trim them or shave them? I trim them. And I shave them. You've done both? You've shaved your balls. I've them. And I shave them. Yeah. You've done both? You've shaved your balls. I've done both.

I made a mustache once. It looked very similar to you. Thank you. That's what the look I'm going for. You put his glasses on. You put the glasses on. With the big nose. Yeah, I've had my ass waxed.

No, you haven't. The way you said that. The hole or the cheeks? The hole. There was so much shame in the way you said that. No. I swear. My wife was an aesthetician for years. She was probably one of the best aestheticians in New York City. Worked at all the salons. Did you know Britney Spears? Did famous people. Get out of here. I swear to God. My wife worked at Maximus, Sanctuary. They wanted her to be like the run these things too. She always turned it down.

She just wanted, but she, one day, you know what I had to do? I had something, I had like little wispy hairs. You know when you get, all of a sudden you got a little wispy hair on your butt cheeks? No. And I was like, you know wispy? Cheeks or the? On the cheeks, on the cheeks.

Yeah, yeah sure. Just a robe. It's like a guy, it's like a prairie dog. He sticks his head up. Yeah. So I was like, you know. Like a meerkat. Let me get, why don't you get these for me?

She's like, all right, I'll get them. And then she did the little wispy hairs, you know, a little couple rogue, little rogue, you know, adventurer hairs that kinda came out. And then she's like, all right, I wanna get in there. hairs that kind of came out and then she's like, all right, I want to get, I'm going to get, I want to get in there. And I was like, I was like in, in where? And she's like

inside and she waxed my asshole. Was there a shower involved previous to the? You have to shower beforehand. Yes. Yes. I would never do that to my wife, even though at the time she was my girlfriend, which she deserves it. But I would never do this with a woman I love. Back then I liked her a lot. And she waxed my asshole. She put the wax in and ripped all the hairs out of my asshole.

And then she goes, look. She presented. It looked like, I had a joke with my actor, I said it looks like a mouse trap where the mouse got stuck but then bit his foot off and escaped. A little bit of blood. Yeah, it was like the most disturbing thing ever.

Oh my God. I want to. She said she wanted to. What is that instinct of grooming that women have? My wife is like that with like, if you ever get one hair out of the side of your nose, or like if I have blackheads on my chest, like she hones, she sees it from like three meters away,

and she goes right in on it. They love it. Yeah, they love it. They love to pick, they love to fix and pluck. Love to pluck. Yeah, there's something about it. You got a little, you got a little. They get a zit.

If they get a nice zit somewhere, they're like, let me get it. And it's like, ooh. If you had a zit, I'd fucking leave you. I'd fucking, I'd fuck. Next guy can get the zit. My wife had a mole here when I first met her, like a risen one. and I would always just,

you know, they remove those now. Just a slight little, a friend of mine had one of those, it got right off. And I would just, and she finally one day I came and she got it off and I was like, yes, you got a shot. Yeah.

Yeah, cause if she still had that thing, that little risen thing that the sun hits it and I just see a little line go across her face. Yeah, you'd have a hairy asshole and you'd be no kid. When I take in you physically, and then I picture a woman who's imperfect in any way, it just doesn't add up. I mean, she should.

Yeah, she should have a limp. I smell sarcasm. Did you smell sarcasm? She should be ringing the bell before dinner. Let's say this, dude. There was a time when I had the right physical. No, you were adorable. You really were.

When you were in Al and the Monkeys. Ooh, Al and the Monkeys. You got the photo? Do we have the photo? Oh, yeah, this will bring back some memories. Those were some good looking young gentlemen in Alan the Monkeys. The reason why I always thought you were from Boston

is you kind of made your bones in Beantown. Yeah. I mean, you were- I went to college there. Went to college there, and then, here you go, right here. Let me see. Yeah, there you go. Here you go, you remember this, the Piccadilly Pub.

Oh yeah. Remember that? Is Al DelBene in there? Let me see. Al, yeah, you're friends with, that's why I thought you were from out there, because I associate you with Al. Yeah, come on, dude, look at that. Can you believe that fan said that?

Who's this guy? That's Jay Hall from the East Boston Projects. Oh, okay. Yeah, he, uh. He didn't make the cut? He didn't make the cut in Owl and the Monkeys, but the goddamn, he became a real estate mogul. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, he was in the East Boston Projects, and his whole thing was, I gotta get my mother out of the projects. That's my thing I said to him, and so I remember he came to us, he goes, I gotta leave the group. And he's like, I gotta get my mom on the projects. And we're like, yeah dude, you and fucking

everybody else on the projects, this is your way out, kid. And I gotta give him credit, he left, worked at a firm, like a, I don't know, like one of those. A real estate firm? Yeah, not a real estate firm, the architect firm. And he would trace stuff, and he saved all his money, bought a house, then bought another house, and then just bought all these houses

and got his mother out of it. He just lived his dream, got his mother out of the project before she passed away, and just became very successful. And then you got Dane, who really skyrocketed in fame, and then me and Delps. And there you go. Well, it reminds me of that, like, you know, like, do you want to be that guy now though?

Like, there's this famous story about Count Basie's Orchestra and they're flying through the Midwest one night and there's a snowstorm and they're almost at the venue, but the plane has to crash land in a cornfield. And it's snowing out and they got their instruments, the fucking bass players lugging this gigantic acoustic bass over his shoulder. And they got those fucking drums and they're walking past this farmhouse. And as they see it off in the distance and as they get closer,

they look in the window and they see the hearth has a big roaring fire in it. And the wife is standing up and she's serving some food and the kids are smiling and the musician looks in and he goes, can you believe these people live like this? It's true but the scary part now is that I don't know if you've had this yet, I don't know if you've had, you're in the depths of it right now. Oh, I'm in the shit. You're in the depths of it. But I don't know if you've had it

because you've had, you know, success, your kids are gone, house, blah blah blah. But there's some type of thing where it's like I feel so good being home where I have always felt, ah, I gotta get the fuck outta like, I feel so good being home, where I have always felt, ah, I gotta get the fuck outta here. I gotta get on the road. I gotta get in that fucking plane. I gotta get to the club.

I gotta get into the thing and do the show and then go back to the hotel and then get in another plane and leave. That road thing was, but now I'm starting to get like, fuck, like, I kinda like being home. And it's scaring the piss outta me. Why? Now I'm starting to get like, fuck. Like, kind of like being home. Yeah. And it's scaring the piss out of me. Why?

Because, man, I feel like, you know, as a comic, you gotta have that, that, like, if I get happy, right? I'm fucked. I need, now, don't get me wrong, I'm the happiest I've ever been doing I'm working my ass off But you you think of that grind? Yeah That you have to be in to keep up with the because you see these young kids and they're fucking doing six shows a night

Yep, and they're doing podcasts and they love fun You know these fucking knuckleheads that work with me. Danny will go on the road with me and then go to it I'm gonna leave there's an open mic down the street in the projects, and I'm like, what? He's gonna fucking sold out show, he's like, yeah, I think I can do five minutes over there. And then he'll go, he'll do great at my show, go and bomb and be like, yeah, I hit my dick. Why would you ruin that?

That thing that we used to have. You know what I mean? Well, I think that there's different facets of you that can be satisfied. Like, you know, I think that there's the family part of you that is maybe you didn't have growing up and then you get that with your family. But then there's also that part of you that is like a fucking gunslinger still that still wants to go on, you know, at the cellar after the new guy and he kills, then you kill fucking harder. And then you talk about him on Bennington the next day.

I want to know who it was. Off the air. We won't say his name. We won't say his name. What's it rhyme with? I in Hamilton. No. I am Hamilton no Opposite of a hack he's like fucking great great dude is uh

Well, let's believe it will We'll believe that's fun. To be perfectly honest, I don't even know the guy's name, but I describe him. I'm not going to describe. I mean, are we off the air? He's going to believe it. Can we can we believe the description? All right. And you just get our response. I don't want any.

Then we'll guess. I don't want any. All right. The worst comedian I've ever seen in my life. What are you describing? I thought it was Jessica Kershyn. I mean, is that the consensus on that guy in the city? I think here's the thing with him. I think with stand up, there's a phase, right?

Yeah. You kind of have something, you're doing it, and then something happens, and you kind of have something, you're doing it, and then something happens, and you kind of just go down that road, because it's working, and it's paying the bills. Right? And there's a point where you can switch that up, and step, go to the next thing. You know what I mean?

Look at a guy like Gary Gorman. He was in regular stand-up comic. He wrote jokes, great jokes, but now what he's doing is kind of elevated to something else. I feel like when I watched it, I feel like I was in prison and he got out of prison. You know what I mean? Like, wow, he got to leave and I'm still here.

I'm going to fucking... I'm gonna repeat Groundhog Day over and over again at just a different club. And it's tough because. Are we back in the podcast? We're back in, yeah. We didn't say his name. But is there a consensus on my feeling?

It's hard for me to say because I'm literally very close friends with him. No, you're not. No, he's Max's godfather. But the thing is. Yeah. When. All right, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Yeah, let's move on. This is making me uncomfortable.

What about him? Or her, or her. We know how fit he feels about women comedians. Don't know how she identifies. You don't know how she identifies. It's weird, man. I don't know. It's almost like I think of stand-up now. When we came up,

there was fucking 100 comics. Maybe. Now there's 5,000 comedians, and there's a new one every week, and they're the best. And they're the, oh my God. And I'm like, okay. I listened to somebody the other night at the cellar,

well known, you know them, you know them, everyone knows them, does well. And I go, I gotta go see what all the fuss is about because I might be wrong, you know what I mean? I might have a bias, I don't know. I was just, I'm gonna listen. And I listened, and I was like, I don't get it. People are laughing their asses off right now.

And I just don't get it. Keith? No. I said laughing their asses off. Not sympathy applauding because he had a double stroke. Aw. Aw, he did. not sympathy applauding because he had a double stroke. Aw. Aw.

Aw, he did. Now there's guys that are playing big theaters and I just, and I like them. Yep. I don't even sometimes understand why that was the point that they stopped talking and the audience started laughing. It's like I had to say the night, they laughed at something and I was like,

there's no way that that's funny, but they got them into some type of rhythm where they can just say that and they're like ha ha ha ha. And I was like, fuck, it's something I don't understand. I don't get it. Because dude, I remember I saw you, I think it was like three years ago. You haven't get it. Because dude, I remember I saw you, I think it was like three years ago.

You had been around, whatever, you were in LA, you were writing, you were doing all that shit, and he came down to the cell at the VU, and you're going on. And I'm like, okay, I know you're funny. I know you're funny. I've seen you perform. But you went up, somebody just murdered,

and oh my gosh, shit, Fitchy's gonna, you know, physically have a hard time. You know what I mean? Because you're an older guy, you had some gray hairs, you walked up, you had your stupid hat, our dumb hats that we wear later in life, fucking Barracuda jacket. And you went up and you fucking leveled the place.

And it reminded me of like old school Boston murdering where there wasn't a second, there wasn't a minute, you didn't slow down, everything had a meaning and I was fucking dying. Me and Liz was sitting there watching it like, fucking, this is nuts. And you had this fucking, you're a dumb fucking David Letterman smirk.

After, I know you did one joke and just went. I was like, this cocksucker knows he's killing. You know what I mean? You ever see a comrade who's like, I'm really good. And you did that. And then you gave the old thank you. Good night. You took your stupid hat. I put it on.

You walked by and you like, hey, what's up, man? I could go to the cellar. It's like, oh, fuck off. Fuck you. Whatever that was. And then whoever went up after you took a hot one. Just a fat dump. You know, Menby shut up, whatever that is. Yeah. Yeah, I think it is a,

because it's weird because comics are like, oh, I hate that guy, I don't like this person, that one guy sucks. And I'm just like, you know, I get it, but. But my gut is, it's pretty rare my gut changes if I don't like somebody at first. Yeah. Like if I, and I can tell faster and faster

the longer I do it. Really? Yeah, I can tell pretty quick whether or not I'm ever gonna like somebody within probably 30 seconds. Wow. Really? Yeah, about 30 seconds, that's how judgmental I can be. That's rough. 30 seconds?. About 30 seconds. That's how judgmental I can be. That's rough. 30 seconds.

Yep. 30 seconds. Why so long? That's so long. Well, because if I see a trick, if I see somebody pulling a trick, and I just go, oh, I'm just not interested. This person's not giving themselves a chance to develop and get interesting

because they figured out a couple tricks. And it's gonna stunt them. So I'm not interested. It's funny because I talked to Quinn one time and one of the greatest things he ever said to me is if you get off stage and don't feel guilty, you're not a comic. There should be something in your act where you're like,

fuck, I went there. I did this, I did that. But there is, I'll be honest, I was talking about this therapy today, it's like, listen man, there's something I gotta do because I'm kind of done with this. You know what I mean? Where it's like, all right, I'll go up and fucking murder. Okay, fucking let's murder.

Fucking whatever, and it's done nothing. It's done nothing. What do you mean it's done nothing? What are you talking about? You're the host of WWW.Y2K podcast, bro. It's true, it is true. I am the host of WWW. What do you mean you're done nothing? You're the host of You Made It Weird.

No, it's not. It's not. It's Sunday Fun Day. What is it? That would have been such a better name. Yeah, that's it. That would have been such a better name. You Made It Weird.

Welcome to You Made It Weird. Yeah. I mean, finally. No, you know that's the name of the podcast. Is it? It's Pete Holmes podcast. Who's that? That's the guy you were talking about earlier. Listen, the thing is.

That was the bleeped out name. I'm sorry. Take that out too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is a. It doesn't move the needle for you? No, it does, but it's.

You mean it doesn't help you sell tickets or it doesn't help you pay the rent? What is it not helping? No, I pay the rent. There's moments on stage where you're like, I'm doing it. And then there's moments on stage where you go, I'm working. Right? There's shows, in a weekend, four shows,

there's one of those shows where I'm like, dude, that was it. I was in it. This weekend at The Cellar, VU killed. Cellar killed. VU killed. The last show at the cellar, something happened where I was in it. I was fucking right there and the things were coming out the way where I'm like, this is what I do.

This is it right here. I was making them laugh the last show. This show, it's like I'm feeling you're saying something or having some type of meaning behind. And then when I do that, I'll say something that never was said or I didn't even think that it comes out. And then I'll, maybe, dude, I was thinking this, I'm just gonna say it.

And it's like it worked. and you're like fuck like tonight I you know it's like I don't know in the pocket maybe where it's just you know you're flowing yeah where it's like that's where I want to be you're out of your own way you're just sort of your mouth took over well when you when you have like say you know in my brain if you If I have to go this weekend and sell tickets, and I think it's all of my it's all you. It's not it's not real It's you it's me You worry about Selling tickets or having people come back or the club using you again

You know I mean yeah, but if you're at the point where, you know, you know, like say that guy like Louie, yeah, I'm gonna go work, I'm gonna go do clubs for the next six months and work on my hour. That must be nice. To just make that, you know what I mean? Where it's like, yeah, I don't, you know, I remember you just said, dude, I'm gonna come down

and if you mind jump on the show with you. I was like, fuck yeah, I'd love you to come on and hang out, have Louie on the show. He's like, yeah, I'm going to come down and if you mind jump on the show, you always like, fuck yeah, I'd love you to come on and hang out, have Louie on the show. He said, yeah, I don't need any money or anything. I'm like, that's fucking insane. Yeah. I'm like, first of all, I would not even think about I need this money. I'll give you $50 a set, but that's it.

I'm not. What'd you think we were splitting the fucking thing? Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, what a well, I don't know if you're there yeah. You know, but it's like, what a, well I don't know if you're there, you might be there where it's like, but you know what you need?

No, you scraps, I was just talking to my friend about this today, I go, none of my years has been the same as another year. It's always like, this one drops off, plug this new one in, you go, I don't know how I'm gonna do in fucking Janesville, Wisconsin, but put it down for fucking January, my agent who fucking loves me.

You fucking fill it in, you plaster it together and you look at your year and you go, all right, I got a year. It's a fucking, I did it again. 35 times, 35 times, minus COVID, I have slapped a fucking year together, you know? And you know, you talk about like, I write for TV, but like, even when I write for TV, I fucking go off on the weekends and do standup. I never stopped doing standup. Really? Yeah, because I was always afraid

I would lose my place in line, which I would. How many good comics have you seen write for a TV show, say, well, I'm gonna take the year off and focus on this? They never fucking come back. They disappear. Yep. Like, Kais they never fucking come back. They disappear. Yep. Like Kaiser Sose. Yep.

They're just fucking gone. And it's, it's, that's the, the fear I have that if I, if I take that time off right now, I'm on the bonfire. I got a paycheck. Yeah. I could just do the bonfire. I don't need to do this show. Fucking, you know you're fucking good again. What is it called?

Your best friend's girl. Whatever this is, my wife hates me. Whatever this is called. Your grandmother's house, whatever it is. Whatever this is, Sunday, Saturday fucking funny pages. It's, it's, it's. But you take the summers off, don't you? That's the last couple years I was like, listen man, I have to, I have to start.

Cause I, look, I look at comedy like a season. I was looking at my comedy and I'm like, okay, they got me working all year. And here I am at a, three of my favorite clubs that I did great at my comedy and I'm like, okay, they got me working all year. And here I am at a, three of my favorite clubs that I did great at last, I fucking murdered at it last year. You know, I've been working Boston or Rhode Island or so. And I'm like, I think September through April,

or June, is comedy season. People need to go do something. It's windy, cold, rainy, whatever the fuck it is, right? But come June, July, and August, you think I'm gonna get somebody off of their fucking pontoon boat to come see me in Portsmouth? It's gonna be a tough sell, you know what I mean? So.

It's fucking, it's nine o'clock, the sun's still out. Right. And you're on your second show of the night? How's that gonna go? I was like, let me just take July and August off. Cause I would do these shows and then I would take an awesome venue and be like, just shit it down the tubes. Then the next time you go back,

listen, last time you were here, we're gonna- The numbers. Yeah, the fucking, when you give them that privilege, it's like, fuck. Yeah. You want to get them in a spot where it's like, look, dude, last time I was here, we're going a little higher. Yeah. Oh, we're going to stay the same. We ain't going back. Right. And I just I take those months off and I do little tiny things here and there. And I spent time with the fucking family doing some

some, you know, New Hampshire shit. And it keeps you from burning out. It keeps you from burning out, but I thought it would, here's what an artist fucking queer I am. I'm like, no, I'll spend the time and maybe I'll start my memoirs. And I got a pipe. I thought I was gonna be out in the backyard

before everybody wakes up. You're one of those old typewriters, you have to push the key like four inches down. What's the name of your memoir? Clean Asshole by Robert Kennedy. Well that's the thing, it's like Louis, who's a savant, would do that. He did do that.

Yeah, he'll go and just get an old typewriter, like that fucking, you know, some famous writer that you know that I couldn't think of. James Elroy. James Elroy fucking wrote a novel on, as he did novels or playwrights. He did novels. All right, no, no.

He wrote for the Post. He did the column in the Post. God damn it, it bothers me that I'm not smart. No, you power me though. Like, oh, you're just uneducated. I'm not glad you, what the hell is that? Is that Herb and Jillian Spar that you both ought to come and, what the hell is that? Is that her being poor? You both ought to come and pick me up off the ground.

And then your head's going, yeah you're not. I know you're both going, you're stupid. I know you were, you definitely were. No, I'm just concerned about these farts that you have cancer in your stomach. So I'm trying to give you a... Dude, you calling me charming is like saying a fat girl has a good personality

Now you know it's worse is be being a comedian they describe as nice And I've gotten a lot of that lately you I swear to God and these are people that I feel like don't know me Yeah, I could see nice, but I see behind Bobby Lee out and said, you know who the nicest comedian I know is? And he said, Greg Fitzsimmons. I was just like, I don't know Bobby. Did I say Bobby Kelly? You said Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee, yeah.

I was like, I don't know Bobby well. You all right? But you're looking at me and you're like, what'd I say? It's been a long fucking day. I know, me too, dude. We're just fucking old. I know, me too, dude. Just a rock and roll. We're just fucking old. But did somebody else call me nice? Three people called me nice all, like, in a month. You don't like that?

No. He's not. I'm not nice. I see behind it, Greg. You don't think I'm nice, do you? I think you present nice. Oh, OK. Oh, you present nice.

You present nice. But I know that when the podcast goes off and the lights go down Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy I'll fucking do the weekend for half the money Burlain ago. Yeah, what happened to Bob? Cancer and his podcast is not that good that That the, uh, U-H-U's, what is it called? He's got cancer, let me look at his dates. I'm available.

And there's this other guy, I don have incorporated, got him as a sponsor. Oh yeah. That would be a good name. How long have you been doing this? This is probably the longest running podcast on the East Coast. I did my podcast before Billy Burr. What?

Yeah. Have I been on this podcast before? I hate you. Yeah, we had a great episode. All right. I mean what the fuck? I mean you've got eight fucking podcasts. I you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Big boys don't cry, better name. Big boys don't cry, it's honesty. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it's like saying, I was on the Tonight Show, it's like, well, was I on the Late Night? Was I on Late Show?

Or, you know, they all meld together. But you know, like, you're a great host, you're a natural host. I think people respect you for that. Listen, man, I can't have you give me tired compliments. I'm so happy for you. I can't. You just added all your hard work.

And the thing is, you're awesome. It's really working out. You deserve those months off. A lot of guys have talent. That's, that's. I mean, God given talent. Yeah. And what you've done.

You've honed the craft. What you've done with the equipment. He's the meanest. One of the meanest guys. Yes, one of the meanest comics I know. In the business. The worst. If you don't think he wants to say something about you right now, you're out of your mind.

He just doesn't know you. No. Buddy, no, you are, you're a piece of shit. Yeah, you're a hunk of shit. I'm never having you on, you're a hunk of shit. He wouldn't remember anyways. You're a hunk of shit podcast again. That would have been a better name.

Well, you've definitely got the theme smell for that show. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, I had to toot again. I held it in. Thank you. Really. It took everything I had. It gave me a gave me a cramp in my belly button. Yep. I know that feeling. I think I have cancer. And you're going to drive back to Katona tonight with that in your belly.

Windows down, farting away. Oh, what? You ever fart so bad in your car that you pull over and check the bottom of your shoes? Have you ever done that? What? No. No, but I farted so bad once, I was 1000% sure I shit it.

Yeah. I shit my pants. Of course. And I was dumbfounded when I went into the bathroom and there was not even a wet spot. Yeah. It was no shit. I was like 100 percent.

I just shit my pants. Yeah. I am I have to go figure this out because there's shit in my pants. Yeah. I felt it come out. I felt it fill up like a substance. And I'm like, I got to go. Was the noise was it it wet like you expected? It was, no, it was nothing. And I was almost like, this is a miracle.

Like God took away, like this is Jesus. Like the virgin birth. Yeah, the virgin, yeah, like somebody, look like my grandmother in heaven was like, I'm gonna take it away for you, Bobby. I have one wish and I don't want you to show up with a piece of shit in your pants and I'm gonna grant you this.

Because it was, didn't make sense to me. There wasn't shit in my pants. Did you feel cheated? Yeah, I felt cheated because I already went through the five stages of shitting your pants. It's fear, I think it's fear. And then it goes to anxiety, denial, and then anger.

That you're just a piece of garbage. And then right to joy, which is acceptance. Acceptance, I shit my pants. Yeah, and I was mad that I went through all those stages for not. And I used for not for you. Because you read. That's a Thursday New York Times crossword puzzle word.

That's why I did it. Yeah. Didn't know that but I was taking a guess. I think you're a sleeper. I think you're smarter than you let people know. I'm smart like this. I started reading again. Really?

That is just outrageous. And you, fuck you too. You're a smart guy wrapped in a dung guy. I see it. I just love that you stopped. Like what does that mean? I started again. Like what age you get to where you go, books? Nah, not for now.

I started reading the first Vampire Lestat. I read all those. Interview with the Vampire was my first one. Then I went to Vampire Lestat and I finished it. Have you know? Have you know? Movie, not as good as the book. And I can say that righteously. And then I went to Harry Potter and I read- I can't tell if you're kidding right now. No, I'm 100% serious. You're reading children's books? Well, children's books to some. ...

Magical mystery to me. I think when you go to Barnes & Noble's and it says children's books, and those are your books. Novels to other. Yes. Non-fiction to some. You mean the book about the kid who runs on a train platform?

Yeah, that book. Into a fantasy world. Yes. It's Harry Potter. And he was a half muggle. OK, so whatever. And then what a muggle. And then I I stopped reading for a long time since I had the kid, actually. Yeah. And then I stopped reading for a long time, since I had the kid, actually. So for 11 years. For 11 years I really haven't read.

But here's the thing, what I do, which I pick up quick reading, because I'm dyslexic, I have all the... Oh, that's right. I've got all this fucking shit. My son got tested a few years ago. We had the state paid for it, he got tested, and he wound up having all this shit. And we had to do a pre-interview beforehand.

We had, me and my wife had it, and the lady went through all of our lives and all of us and kind of did this whole screening with us. So then we had the meeting and she's like, he has this, he has ADHD, he has dyslexia, blah, blah, blah. And at the end of it, I was like, I just, you know I just wanna ask something. Is there any possible way that I could have passed this down

to him and she's like, oh, it's 100% you, it's all you. None of this is your wife. Talking to both of you, it's you. And I was like, huh? I made my kid. No, you brought that up earlier in the show. It's like, will your kid be you? And it's like, there's only so much of the genetics

that you can work against, you know? But they know what it is now, and they, you know, he has like, in his school, there's people that know that he has this thing, so they can help him through this. And in the last two, two years, three years, he's actually worked his way out of it. Yes.

To where he's like, you know, kick it ass, he's A's and B's. Yeah. Which I don't think I saw until art class in high school when I got the cover of the calendar of Malden High School. Did you really?

Face like this, I drew that. Ha ha ha ha. And you can look it up. My daughter has become very funny. She's got my ADHD and a little hint of the depression, as Gary Gullman would say, but my daughter's turned out to be very funny. And she texts me jokes sometimes. And this is a joke that she sent me two days ago.

She said, I went to my Chinese, I went to Chinese friend of mine's mom's birthday today whose name was Tu Yu Yu. Everything was great until we had to sing Happy Birthday to her. That's fucking funny. That's really good. Happy birthday to you. That's fucking funny. That's really good. Happy birthday to you, you. Ha ha ha. Wow, did you buy it off her?

I told her I'm doing that on stage tonight. Oh, that's great. And I did it and it fucking crushed. It's a fucking good one. That's a good one. Damn, that would have been a great name for the podcast, To You You. To You You.

To You You. Here's the other thing she said, which she did not mean to be funny. And this is really, as you know, being a parent, there's a lot of fucking sweat and blood in raising a kid, but sometimes they just give you free comedy. So my daughter goes to me, she goes, what'd you do today? And I said, oh, I took like a 20 mile bike ride. And she goes, look at you, Louis Armstrong.

And I go, did you mean Lance Armstrong? And she literally said, is that the guy that walked on the moon? And I was like, you need a fucking podcast because you're just dumb enough. You really do have to be a little stupid to do these things. Yeah, a little bit. My kid, I think I was telling Noah about this.

I was so, you know, I never had a dad, now here I am with him. I put him to sleep sometimes, I go to bed with him and he'll lie there with him while he's going to bed. When I go in, he'll grab me and he pulled me into him and he put his arm around me and was holding me. This happiness that I felt was like, I couldn't describe it. It's like better than any drug I've ever had,

any comedy show I've ever done. It's just this thing that almost lit up the room of like, oh my God. And I realized it's because I never ever had that ever. Have I ever lied in a bed with a father-type figure where I put my arm around him and he put his arm around me. You know, that type of love that I have with my son. And it was so overwhelming.

I turned to him and I put my forehead on his forehead and I was like, Max, I'm so proud of you and I love you so much. And he went, Dad, this is kinda gay. Yeah, he is you, he is you. That's the name of the podcast, this is kinda gay. This is kinda gay. All right, listen, we're gonna wrap this up.

We got specials all over the place. Rich, your special is on YouTube right now. And it's called The Artist. Ironical. OK, good. Yes, I'm not. It'd be funny if you just painted. That's good.

And you got your tour dates. He's got Greg's up right now. Your website, what? Rich's. Do you guys, are you listening to me or are you just doing your- You're just plugging- What?

There was no dates on his website. I'm supposed to, all right. Well that fucking hurts. Yeah. Well he's got dates, where are you gonna be? I am not traveling with two kids. I have, by the time you hear this I'm done. I've got two dates in Florida, they're done. They're done. They're done. I'm not, I two kids. I have, by the time you hear this, I'm done. I've got two gates in Florida, they're done.

They're done. They're done. I'm not, I'll take it sometimes. Okay, well, you gotta check out his special. Please. It's on YouTube right now, it's The Artist. He's always at The Cellar. Yes.

He's, and he's got these, his viral dance videos. Oh, right. But he, it's the stupidest, silliest shit. It was on my Facebook algorithm for a long time, and I don't know, it went away for some reason. Did you stop doing it? No. I gotta, I need to find it.

Oh, maybe, maybe I stopped doing it on, I don't know, I can't figure it out. What do you wear? Crazy outfits. Can you please bring up one of his videos? Back on the algorithm. There's only, the only way to do what he does is to have that I don't give a fuck thing.

Which I would want to do this, but he just goes out and the fucking play the sound. No. Oh, that's amazing. But he goes in, look at this poor guy in the background who's just trying to. He's just trying to's just trying to he's just trying to have a sandwich He's just trying to have a sandwich and this fucking maniac shows up Did you I knew he was there I?

Saw the corner of my eye he was there so I started walking with Told you to beat it. I had I did it in the Scientology Center on 46 Yeah, that's not a good not a good. I don't really have a good not at all beat it? I had, um, I did it in the Scientology Center on 46. Yeah, that's not a good, not a good idea. They don't really have a good set. Not at all. And he said, I'm going to call the cops. And I said, by the time they get here, I'll be gone. Just go with it. Like it was very, it was very, it was like, you should have did with two cans in your hand. Yeah.

Maybe they would have accepted if you were trying to get you a fan. Yeah. I was trying to get clear. Yeah. So,, so but anyways, yeah, I shot it at the the underground and I'm pretty proud of it I may go check it out Rich is funny. It's called the artist on that And of course Greg has a special on YouTube, you know me which we don't That hurt that hurt more than me saying that you didn't have talent, but that you've hustled That hurt more than me saying that you didn't have talent, but that you've hustled. No, that hurt way more. That is way more on the point than my little quip

that I made. I mean, wow. You called me a hustler. I just mean, you know, there's something we said about that six player. Six? That's a great name. The six player.

He's got a, it was filmed at the mothership, which is, I mean, dude, to have a special, they are one of the best clubs in the country. Yeah, it was fun. And they, it's fucking great, dude. I mean, the guy's just giving you money. He's just giving you money. I mean, it's just, dude, show up.

It's so good to not, what is my tour called Danny? Did not sold out tour. Yeah. That's what people don't know. It's not sold out. Yeah. Now that's the thing about my shows is if you want to go see Andrew Schultz,

okay, great experience. You got to park, you got to wait in line. You're going to be fucking crammed in line, you're gonna be fucking crammed in because there's gonna be people on both sides of you. My shows? You want to kick your feet up? Plenty of space. Throw your coat over the seat next to you? Sure! You want to park in front of the place? There's parking. And you worried about you worried about getting home to the Sitterfest? My show? You're gone. There's no line to get out.

You can show up at my show. If my show's at eight, 748. I'm right up in the front and you're good. You didn't even have to buy tickets early. I am at the door. You guys are underselling yourselves. I'm gonna do a tour called Buy Him at the Door. You guys are like the who's who of comedy underselling yourselves. I'm gonna do a tour called Buy Him at the Door. Yeah. Yeah.

You guys are like the who's who of comedy, and I'm the who's that of comedy. Good name for my podcast. Who's that? Who's that of comedy. Who's that of comedy? Seriously, fucking hilarious. He's got a Fitz Dogg radio, of course, and he's got his Sunday papers, which, meet Rob Dukes.

Rob Dukes, who did the theme song for my special, actually. He did? Yeah. He is fucking, he just signed back on with Exodus. I know. Which I'm so happy. I texted with Melody yesterday and he's about to go on tour. Yeah, he calls me at the wrong time.

I feel like he knows, like, I'm about to do something. Yeah. Because he'll call me and I'll be like, literally in a Zoom or something, and I'll look down and I'll be like, oh shit, and I can't answer it, and I feel terrible. But I feel like he's gonna rip my head off someday. Yeah, he could be a scary guy

except that he's the most gentle guy in the world. But I've seen videos of him in front of 20,000 people screaming his face off and you're like, oh yeah, that guy's got some raw anger down there. My favorite part about him is that he could literally rip your neck off and shit down it, but he's the sweetest most gentle fucking human being ever and all he wants to do is hang out, smoke a bat, have a good time. Yep. And take you around in his old Porsche. Oh, he took me around, I went doombuggy. I saw the video of that. That was fucking, we went to an old West town.

And yeah, he is one of my favorite people. He's one of those guys where he comes around and he's like, hey man, I'm, you know, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, all right, dude. Okay, dude. And then you wind up like, oh, this guy's the fucking sweetest dude in the world, but I feel like he's gonna take me to a rally. Yeah, yeah, and Melody, his wife, is just, they're fucking good people, and they get it, they're really fucking funny. Yeah, they're fucking

awesome. Yeah, she does my, she edits my videos now. She does? Yeah. Well, didn't I know them before you? You did, you did. And I fucking lapped you. How the fuck did you get in? Because she's such a nice guy. You son of a bitch! Yeah, well I'm a hustler,

and I'm gonna take them away from you. He's been on Joe Rogan and WTF, which is What's Things That You Can't Do, I'm gonna take them away from you. He's been on Joe Rogan and WTF, which is What's Thinkin' Forever. What's Thinkin' Forever. What's Thinkin' Forever, what is it? What the fuck? What the fuck? It's Mark Maron's podcast.

I know, dumb dumb, stop correcting me, you're, this is the funniest part. I had the older guys with kids on the later podcast. Yeah. I had the young Indians on the first one with all the energy. We're like, all right, dude, special YouTube, go watch it. Gotta go. Gotta go. I gotta drive back to Katona and not fall asleep at the wheel.

Go to the website. You have to fucking see these guys. You have to see them do the same. We're going to do a quick little Patreon. We got three questions if you don't mind. Patreon. great. Okay. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you want to go there and ask questions and actually see them answer your questions, go to Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. Guys, what do you have? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. Wow. That's very anti-clubatic. I'm producing a show on the 30th at St. Mark's Comedy Club.

10 p.m. Please come out. That was complete fake. Did his voice just crack? Yeah, he's nervous and he's fake energy. Is he Braff related to Zach Braff? No, he's not. Danny is the first Braff. He's not related to any Braff that's well known or have...

Or will be. Yes. What's up, folks? This is Joe. I got a show about cheese with my lovely wife. Just go to YouTube, type in the cheese show. It's the first gosh darn thing that comes up. Yeah, it's a show about cheese. It's the only, I mean, nobody corners the market. Yeah. Nobody's going to put those two together. Let's do a show just about cheese. And go to my website, PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. I'm all over the fucking place.

Make sure you sign up for that and you'll find out where I'm gonna be. I'll email you right to your email, direct from me, and also my specials up there, Killbox and all my uncensored. That's another thing about PunchUp. Don't have to worry about censoring anything. They censor nothing. and What are we calling this dude again, Fred? What are we working on? It's called You Know Me. Oh no, that's my special. It's out on YouTube.

Nice! Right at the end. Wow, well done. I'm the artist, that's right.