Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #575 | Mike Cannon, Andy Haynes, & James Mattern | Woke

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

This week on the pod Bobby forced terrible pork buns on the crew. Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/YKWD Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, help, you're ruining this. Where's the barbana, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original.

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See websites for full details and important safety information. What's up, everybody? We're back. You know what, dude? Podcasts. One of the first podcasts in the business safety information. What's up everybody? We're back. You know what dude podcast, one of the first podcasts in the business and one of the least successful.

Which I hold dear to my heart. Yeah, anybody can be successful. Anybody can have the president on, even though you have nothing to do with politics and it's a character and it's not real. I mean, who cares? I'm real. This is real life right here.

This is blue collar fucking podcasting. And I've been doing it for a long time. We're here at the Comedy Cellar studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. Danny, we got a big show today. Who do we got? We have James Maddern, Andy Haynes and Mike Cannon on the show. We got a great show. Proud to be in the blue collar podcast. Blue collar Bobby. I mean listen guys. This is no this is where men come to roll their

sleeves up and get to work. Is that a fire alarm? What just happened here? We're done already? I have one on my phone. No I got it. I got it. What happened? Guys it's blue collar! That's the way we deal with shit. You have fixed it. You have a pallet being delivered? That's how blue collar it is. Real quick, everybody gets a pork bun. Sweet pork buns. Oh, good. You get a pork bun.

I can't eat it. Yeah, I can't eat it either, Bobby. It's pork. I didn't want to tell it before and you called me slurs, but yeah. Can I ask? You can't bite the outside? Well, no, I'm fasting, and I went off the rails to the Super Bowl and yesterday

as we're filming this and I ate a whole fucking thing of Kit Kat minis right before bed like a chooch. So you had a whole thing, what's a whole thing of Kit Kat? Like a whole bag? Two thousand calories just stared me right in the eyes. I know what it was. People were passing out the leftover candy and you took it. I wouldn't bought it like a gentleman.

I was like a true American people gave their advertising of the free candy and I go I want my own Wow and I just What do you mean the KitKat was this I like little KitKat? I'm a big fan of KitKats. But why would you you know James is a real candy bootstraps guy He will not pick from the community pool. He'll be inspired and then purchase I I like inspiration Bobby, but I was just, I needed a calorie day. I ended up after the Super Bowl, after losing my ass, having a couple drinks with a lady and then I was hung over the next day with this lady and then when I'm hung over, the few times that I drink now, I need food. And so I just took everything in my body. So you don't want-

I love you, Bobby. This is very kind. No one's ever bought me a pork bun before Bobby. Dude it's a special pork bun. It looks special. I'll think about it. I'll stare at it. Why don't you take a witch hit? Oh that's very nice Bobby. I'll do that. Take it so when you're off you're fast. I'll take it. I'll give it to my Filipina nanny and she loves it. You have a what? Filipina nanny. Filipino or nah? I think it's nah because of feminine. Yeah. Because they come from Spanish folk. Yeah. So if it was Filipino, it would be male. Yeah.

And Nuh. I don't know. Whoever she is, she has green colored contacts in. Yeah. I haven't eaten pork since the year 2000. Really? Yeah. Say that in that voice.

The year 2000. The year 2000. I do seem like a guy who's trying to colonize Mars, don't I? You have a fucking great voice. You know that? Yeah, it's weird. You have a great voice. Yeah, I feel like you could do crops

in a controlled environment, like in a dome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got that, the Martian. Yeah, just grow corn. I feel like I have a surprising amount. We've talked about this. I have survival abilities. Yeah. I could do it.

Just judging by the looks. And you look like it. You do look like you can figure out how to get some shit. I took survival abilities. I can do it. And you look like it. You do look like you can figure out how to do some shit. I read some books. You have survival like in the woods, not in this business. No, no. I am not. Who has those skills?

I am completely, I chose a career where it's all about you and I am highly unlikable for the average person. I'm the thread, the needle. Buddy, I don't even know what is about me. I feel like I'm very likable, but then there's something about me that people don't want. It's that, it's saying that you're likable. I found that about myself too,

is I've assumed that I'm also a warm likable person and people just hear that and immediately are like, I bet you're not. So what do we have to do? Say, just go not say anything. The N word. Yeah. It's the trend.

Yeah. Say that you're going to be in there. All right. Ready? Everybody on account of the one, two, three nitrous. Wow. How great would it be if he said it? He'd be fat.

What have that made him famous? What if that is what really tipped our podcast just immediately off the gates. Boom. And we're, well, you have a new podcast. We do, Beautiful Boys. And now, Beautiful Boys, it's not, what does that mean, because it's not you guys? I mean, I think Andy's beautiful, I'm not.

Like, I have dark, almost, you know, Osama Bin Laden features, we've discussed this before. Andy has kind of angelic, very pure, if there was a white, if there was a white background behind Andy, you'd think he was an orb. I would actually be frightened if I saw Andy anywhere on the streets. And I saw him just-

I do look like a skinwalker, I believe. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine Andy coming out in a full, white linen outfit from just a beam of piercing light and then just telling you like, welcome? Yeah, he looks like he could float. You're right.

He looks like he could float, he'd have a jewel in the middle of his head. The aliens picked me, like this is the representation that they thought it would be digestible to humans. Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's alien with a hint of human. Yeah, yeah.

That's the smidge. You should be walking around like a sweater, and that that's it and it just covers your ass knuckles and just date raping a college student. Me? That's my fun stand-by. Look at that. We are yin and yang. Yeah. Like you're walking out and it's like you know you can just see a little butt knuckles hanging out. You still have your sweater on because you have a class to teach. I'm a wool sweater Winnie the Pooh rapist. And then she starts talking loud and you're like, shh, and you point because there's some other students out and you let her out the back and then she hops a fence. Yeah. As long as we pray together at the end and absolve both of us of our sins. It's gotten so dark.

You've gotten very, I would say, intelligent. Did you up your game because you're hanging out with Andy? Got intelligent. Did Andy say, I'll do the show with you? Yeah. You gotta look a little different. You gotta wear glasses and stop having a skin fade. Yeah, I was like, don't be so Rockland County about this.

Pretend, can we start telling people you live in Tarrytown? Yeah, just right across the bridge. I'm in the nearest part of it. Terrytown does up your game a little bit. Yeah, it does. Immediately. Yeah, NIAC. No, I have to be road specific to people who live in my town for them to be like, oh.

Guys, give me one second. Hey, can you take it out of the rapper fuck face so we don't hear it? They're literally eating like this. This really looks like a turtle was de-shelled. You will, take a bite. You'll lose your mind. Take a bite. Right?

What if he makes a lot of noise? Are you going to give him the business too? Does this look like crab meat but outside of the shell? Let me smell it. Take a bite. You'll love it. I will say this. Do you like sweet?

The Chinese. What do you, do you like sweet? Some people don't. You'll love it. I will say this. Do you like sweet? The Chinese. What do you do? You like sweet? Some people don't. Some people don't. My wife doesn't. I just turned into Dice Clay. What the fuck do you mean? How good is that?

How good is that? I fucking hate this. Why? I hate this so much. I actually can't believe how much I hate this. Really? I want it to be like this is life changing. Why?

Is it bad? Bobby, I'm going to tell you. The sniff I did of it. It doesn't pass us. Not that good this smell You got the wrong ones you fucking you cock fuck is I got it Bobby and his again he goes dude that go to the pork bun place and then you go we go which one you go the One across the street and there was not one directly across the street you got so we went to the closest one That's fucking lump crab meat with cinnamon asshole oh I didn't bite it oh god so they're gone guys that looks like it like go get go get the good ones a beef jerky cinnamon roll that's what it looks like now it's it's the custard

it has custard on the top pork fuck dude I'll tell you what I can't take this is not consumable for human beings I am glad you took the fucking bait that was the worst thing I've ever eaten in my life not only did I take a bite but I took a this is my new favorite I'll bite do it this sniff smelled like a hobo's foot it really that's actually a good it did smell like kind of a soup that's been on for too long I couldn't do it be you sab You saboteur! You're a saboteur! I'll never try one of those again. Buddy, you will.

I'm gonna get them. In five minutes, apparently, you are. God damn it. Listen, I want the custard on top. This is why we have tariffs. This is it. So, bless you. The student even got my nose.

You thought it was the other thing, even though you know the other thing had custard on it Well, I thought it was underneath there I apologize you know the toughest part about this is the Spackle on top is wrapping around my molars, and it's gonna take till I fucking brush. It kind of looks like pizza bread It's disgusting. It's really gross. It was gross. I think beef jerky cinnamon roll is the perfect description of it. It's excellent. No. Pork bun with the custard on the top, it's so good. That is garbage. I would never know.

I'll never know. You ruined it. You ruined a fucking culture. There's fish. There's fish in this. No. No. There's probably fish sauce or fish flakes.

OK, really? Yeah. Stop it. You didn't know. The Chinese love to throw some fish in some you really a racist wait is it I go to this bakery I know Fada and they do put fish in this shit they put fish flakes and sauce yeah you got the I'm so I like the red sesame pancake Joe go get the custard the custard the red bean sesame the red bean sesame. The red bean one's good.

That one's great. Bobby, what language are you learning? Spanish. Okay, bueno. Bueno. Puedo hablar en espanol? Sí. How did you run out of gas at bueno?

Really quick. You were like, ah. Nah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Nah. Un pan, por favor, uno pan, por favor.

Un pan. Un pan, por favor. Gracias. Un pan de puerco y basura, por favor. Basura is garbage. Garbage is garbage. Bano, take this to bano. Is that baño?

Baño, bano, bano, bano. I mean this is the most boring thing ever. I think it's good. I like the fact that you're culturing yourself at this age. You're trying to eat dry fish on top of pastries, just opening it up. You think that, you think that? I think this is your new kind of mid-check.

What did you think was gonna happen? We were just gonna all just come as soon as we bit into that thing? Can I say something? Yeah. This little fucker, Zach. The only pork? Shut up!

It was not the only one, you dumb fucking white boy. What if they were hired by a white guy? You went in with white guy eyes. And he went pork, and he bought the fa- The one I wanted to get, on the top, it's like a custard. So it's like sweet. Are you talking next to the pizza place? Right across the street, next to the movie theater? Oh?

Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it on top is like a hot. Yeah, look at me show me right okay open it up Make it bigger you wanted like a bow no no no so okay That's a good short film no That is a cute one. I mean those are good, but that's not what I'm talking about I would have to get them but not the custard bun there now looks like it like a party pork the sweet all of this looks awful It's I gotta dude. I gotta be right there those those ones right there sweet pork buns and the ones over to the right I'm fucking great this will doable. This will keep me away from pastries forever. I did no that's a great thing now You know the temptation is gone. I fucking love a chocolate croissant. I love throwing that bag all the time. So the simple fact

that I just ate like a fish market on top of breaded flakes. It's disgusting. Let me ask you a question. Bakery. Italian or gay lesbian bakery. Italian is such a bad bakery. It's Jewish. What? It's Jewish. Rockland Bakery in New City is the best bakery. I love an Italian bakery. I like a comfy West Village. Yeah, yeah. Dyke-y. I want two dykes.

I want two Lesbos. I want a gay guy that worked in advertising and then made enough money to follow his dream. A honobus. I want a woman with a beard and holding a baby, making some chocolate croissants or some weird, yeah dude. Why don't you like an Italian one? Cause of the cookies?

Everyone hates the goddamn cookies. The cookies are so dry. I don't know if Italy has water shortage. No, it's good. They man up and they're not supposed to be good. It's moisture. You eat them and you lose your voice and it's good. Box full of stale cookies.

I grew up with Italian bakeries. The only thing that I liked there, the bread. The bread's spectacular. The bread's worth it. Canoli, canoli, all right, I get it. Stop, no, no. Bobby, a canoli? You have to have the right kind, dude.

I've had, it's a shit shell that is made. No, it's shit when it's left out. When it's left out. It's like a false soul. And then they stuff regatta in there. It all sucks. It sucks. What the shit?

Lobster tail can suck it. Lobster tail? Yeah. What is your beard? They're not making that in the Italian bakery. Why did you go after lobster tail? Italian bakery. They make lobster tails. That's an Italian.

Oh, that. That's the one with the fluff in there. Okay. It's a lobster tail the fluff in there. Okay. It's a lobster tail. It looks like a lobster tail, but it's cream with... Oh, I've never had that. Yeah, it's... Listen.

How are the crab legs in the Italian bakery? Italian... You don't know a lobster tail? You know how fucking Italian are you? You don't know a lobster tail. I'm only 11%, but I go all the way, Bobby. What's the green, red, pink, whatever? If I had a producer that was worth his weight in gold, lobster tail would be up on the screen right now.

You know those ones with the flag on the inside, it's got the chocolate on the outside, you cut it, and it's got the colors. That's the Italian cookie. That's the fucking shit, man. I love that. Those are great. It's overrated. I'll take a macaroon. Macaroons are great. What macaroon? The little fucking lobster tail.

Look at that. I mean mean it looks good right it does it's a party but it's too much but it's always eat it like this stuff you have to suck it you have to suck it in your face custard it into your own you have to fuck it and then eat it with so many heads yeah looks like a year of being a hog yeah like a bunch of fucked up foreskin it's snipped. Here's the thing. I agree with Andy that the bakery has evolved into something else now to where they're doing all kinds of weird shit at these hipster bakeries. They're taking chances. I'm

not Italian bakery hasn't taken a chance in 50 years. Yeah, but they're like taking the corporate out of cookie crisps or whatever whatever that thing explosion at the fucking factory Every Italian bakery would take corporate money I'm just saying they're doing what they're doing, but now in their own place So they were doing the explosions in the quick There's just too many tastes going on in a lot of these hipster delis where it's like a fuck. The top of it is fruity pebbles. There's a glaze. There's a bacon bit. There's always a custard. It's like nine different flavor profiles and you taste it and you're like, there's something you're talking off about this. You're talking, you're talking donuts. Yeah. You're

talking, you're not, you're not talking bakery. You're talking about gamers. Yeah. Donuts, donuts, phase clan. Yeah. Don't know know people lost their mind for some reason it is Oh, oh donut like donut pub down the street class in like a like an eight $9 croissant. Yes Then a guy with a master's degree made. Yes Yes, some guy who went suck dick in France for eight years. Yeah Yeah, dad. Well, I appreciate it more. Yeah, yeah, yeah that well I appreciate it more Yeah, dude. I mean listen, you earned it. Yeah, you have ever Queen Amon

What Queen Amon? What's that bring up? It's the greatest pastry on fucking earth. This is like going to a record store in a small town He is the high fidelity of pastries right now. You call me a fat hipster? I'm only hip with fat shit. Bring up Queen of Mon. It's my favorite thing in the world. And when they have them, I buy all of them.

I thought you were talking about like flirting with the guy to get him to give you extra pastry. Look at it. Queen of the model. Look at this thing. I mean, it's a croissant on crack, basically. And it's it's like the great you bite into that fucking thing. It's I mean, I wish you brought up a better picture. I don't like that was found on the ground. Happy by a fucking pigeon.

Well, we have one of those things, though, where if you like take an 8K camera and zoom into it, you could see like the galaxy Yeah, sure. Well, how come every pastry we're seeing a picture of does look like horse I know it wasn't even a joke. I mean you went a long way for that. Yeah, and we all listen And I interrupted James. Hey you interrupted him for the 8k the 8k galaxy fucking bit. You did great, buddy I'm just I'm just let you go. I would have let you off the hook. I would have kept talking if you guys stayed quiet. There's a bakery near my house that is just off the charts. Well you stayed on the right side of the river and that's why. I did.

You went on the wrong side of the river. Yeah, but I'm on the nice side of the wrong side. You know what I mean? Nope. You're with all the ha seeds. No, no, they're a little bit up the hill. Oh, they're in Monroe, right? No, they're in they have bought Nyack college, which is really a nightmare for all of us, but they bought a college Yeah, they bought an entire college. It's gonna be wild wild country You guys don't understand like people don't get that they're going to buy it all Yeah, and pretty much when you go over that run the New York State government eventually buddy They're buying the mall the Palisades mall. Well, it's in foreclosure for state government eventually. Buddy, they're buying the mall, the Palisades Mall.

Well, it's in foreclosure for 475 bills. And they wanna buy it and make it like a Hasidic community center or some shit. Your kid's gonna have to get pay us. Your kid's gonna have to have those when they go to school. They're gonna vote that in. You guys aren't gonna be able to leave the house on Saturday. You'll get rocks thrown at your car.

Yeah, you're gonna have to shave Nicole's head and get her a wig. You better plan for wig budget. I kinda like that. I'm not too bad. But I went to Rockin Community College so I'm very familiar with co-mingling with the Hasid. Is that your alma mater? That is one of my alma mater. So is it going to be all? Are you a multiple junior college? Well I got an associate's degree. You got the degree? I got the degree and then I went away to Geneseo State University

Where they told me I graduated I did graduate they gave me a thumbs up and then a year later They sent me a little letter home saying I'm three credits short and guess what the class is English public speaking. Yeah I'm not kidding. Wait, so you could have a bachelor's degree if in three credits Yeah, and I offered to pay for it, write some sort of like report on my career, give a free show, basically suck off the dean publicly, and they're like, we're not interested. They still want you to go back and pay for three credits and attend a class. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, in fairness, I wasn't a model student, nor am I any kind of beacon of light right

now, so I would just... How far is this away from you? They're right there. They look like it now. But if you you're in AK could you see the galaxy? I like that That's good Um it's five hours it's right near Rochester You gotta go

You gotta go back I did do that actually I made a trip up there I had a whole checkered thing with Geneseo where I was They tried to fail me for a class cause they lost two of my tests Why does this sound like a It sounds like a college that's ran out of an auto body shop. Geneseo, the Geneseo brothers opened up a university. What is Western New York? It is Rochester, where the Italians are from.

Where we didn't have lobster tail. Rochester is ghetto now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rochester is now. Woke. No, it's been. Woke ghetto. Woke?

Dude, it's woke. What do you mean? What does that mean? What I mean is that it is a very far left. I guarantee you the chance. I'm telling you Rochester, it up. During, during. You're not allowed to call a soft guy a queer. Whoa, baby, we whispered that now. Whoa, madness is going crazy. That is exactly, no, that is exactly Rochester. Don't side with them, you're on my side. I'm from that area, kinda. You're more me than these nerds.

And I love you, Bobby, but the Guineas are all from fucking Rochester. I'm telling you. I know that a lot of people are up there. First of all, I lived in Rochester. The last time I got arrested was up in Spenceport, New York, right near Rochester. And now, downtown Rochester, because of the college, became very, especially during the

pandemic and all that black glass matter stuff, it got very, very woke. And they protest a lot of shit up there what else is Bobby crab flavored pastries yeah hey these are full of compost and that's mine that's mine right there that's my thing wow you happy now huh I love these fuck it yeah look how uncounty you got when you got yours it's a this isn't now what is this this does look like it's good Andy I'm tempted to break my fast no take a I love these fucking things. Look how uncunt you got when you got yours. I wasn't cunt. Now what is this? This does look like it's good, Andy. I'm tempted to break my fast.

No, take a bite. They're fucking great. Take the paper off. Thank you. Did you not take the paper off? What's in it? All right. I'll see you, Bobby.

I'm gonna grab a pile. That looks like Yeasty Communion. It's a mochi dough thing. Is that? Try that. It's really good. What's in this? Red beans. How good is that? Red beans? You gave me beans in the morning? It's red beans. That's what they fill these things with.

How good are those? That's pretty good. I haven't tried the big one yet. That's pork. You're not going to like that. Yeah, you're a sissy. I'm not a sissy. I just have the fucking red beans, you're a sissy. I'm not a sissy. I just have the fucking Yeah Can you please bring up I'm telling you right now It's it's a cross between fucking ghetto tough

Rochester's is one of these is hold on It was the capital a murder capital of the world like a couple years ago, Rochester is one of the most dangerous Bobby you keep saying Rochester pull it up, but I don't know what yeah Bobby I was gonna say how do you Google woke ghetto? Yeah, do you think okay? This is like two things is it just a city that is highly like Depressed economically and then a bunch of college students decided to like advocate. Here's the thing, no, it's a bunch of yous went up there and fucking tried to fucking make it nice again,

which what you do is kick all those black people. I think it's younger than us though. I know, I just like to say yous. It's fine. It is me, I like that shit. No I'm not, yeah I'm not. Now that we're beautiful boys together. They went up and tried to gentrify this fucking place Yeah

They open up their little coffee shop and their little bookstore and their fucking Horseshit and the theater nights and blah blah blah and now they're very it's a very there's a certain section downtown It's a very woke the college is woke. You aren't allowed to use pronouns the whole city. No, you're supposed to You can I you cannot sexualize anybody No, you're supposed to. You can not sexualize anybody. Everything is uh, he, she, them, way, this fucking, you can be a cat if you want to. I'm curious where you're getting this information from. Can I ask you, does that ever affect you?

That's the one. Try that. Try that. Try it. Try that. Try it. Try this one, not that one, try this one. Just try that one. Just try it. Just take a bite, you're gonna love it. Take a bite. You're gonna love it. That's custard. You're gonna love it. How good is that? How good is that? That's sweet, right? Nice little breakfast treat, right?

This is a nightmare. It's pork. No, it's not pork. It's cream. It try that. You'll love that. It's pork. No, it's not pork. It's cream. It's custard. Do you hate it? No, I don't hate it. The problem with this and some other like some donuts and some

things is like the custard is eight inches into the fucking pastry. So you have to just deep throw. I know you used to a drop of goodness. You like a donut made with white bread. It's just like. Yeah, white bread sucks, right Andy? Bobby, Zach has something amazing to tell you.

What, Zach? So the ones that I bought the first time, you guys all hated. There was two guys in the bakery when I went back that were pissed off because they said, we only came in here for those. Oh. And I bought them all out when I bought them for you guys.

That's awesome. Are they still there? Go bring them back and throw them in their face. How good was that one, though? Right. Good. That's good. Good. Yeah. Anyways, yeah. Rochester is dangerous as shit. When did we what context in which we brought this up? I don't know. You guys, you guys up by your Geneseo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Up by your school. It's pretty dangerous. I did my first ever open mic at Comics Cafe. Oh, yeah.

Worst Juve Hall I was ever in was in Rochester. Well, yeah, because the fucking weather, it's a gray, dismal place even in the summertime. Like, there's beautiful moments. But when I went to Geneseo, there's like 80 days per school year of like, you can be outside. And then the rest of it is just fuckin' a Western New York hellscape.

That town is a Morrissey lyric. It's just gray and trying to get the fuck out your whole time. Not only that, but also they have no tolerance for snow. Like, they have no, down here there's a dusting and they're like, no snow for the early part of the week, but up there, there'd be a six to eight inch just sheet of ice up a hill to get to a class,

and they're like Fucking trudge their pussy like yeah, I know. Yeah. I didn't like living up there. It was terrible How did you end up there? My parents when I got out of jail My parents moved up there my mom and my stepdad from the community No, they just moved my father got a job up there. So they moved to Ben Salon, Pennsylvania Community no they just moved my father got a job up there so they moved to Ben Salem, Pennsylvania I went out of juvie jail to there And then I got arrested went back to jail and his job moved him up to Rochester Get moving up the ladder Kodak no what were you getting arrested for Xerox?

No, Bosch and Lom now Kodak's a big Western New York. It was a big thing. Those are the only three that they had He's just naming companies. No, but that's all they had there. Every family member when their life was getting better, it's like what happened to Marjorie? She's working for Clash Alarm now. It was Grossman's, which was before Home Depot. Before Home Depot crushed everything.

They had Grossman's and he worked there. So when I got out of my last, I was in a very bad area of Lawrence, Massachusetts, which was mostly Puerto Rican, and there was riots and shit. How was their breakfast pastries? It was pretty good. Delicious.

It was pretty good. But I'm a big fan of Spanish. It's also like you must have, and I don't know what you looked like as a kid, but like later years you had a very kind of Latina, Latino influence. When I was in Lourdes, it saved my life. I had the little fuzz mustache, hey, and I had the little fuzzy mustache and they thought I was Spanish.

Did you wear football like practice jerseys that were cut at the navel? I had a fuzzy mustache and they thought I was Spanish. Did you wear football practice jerseys that were cut at the navel? I had a crop. You know what I mean? I'll tell you what I wore. It was so popular. When I dated Denise Cantino in Ben Salem, chick from Brooklyn, her mom used to,

I have photos of this too somewhere. It's on the internet, it's terrible. Her mom, because we didn't have that much money, her mom would dress me. She would buy diamond anklets and go give this to Denise. I love that. From you, and I'd be like, fuck, hey, here you go. She'd be like, oh my God,

I don't have fucking paper route. I didn't fuck that. I think I just bought a diamond anklet, you fucking asshole. And she would take me to the mall and buy me clothes. And she bought me sweatpants and my Nikes, And she bought me sweatpants, and my Nikes, and she bought me a half, one of the mesh halfs. And she used to, she would do photo shoots.

Denise used to dress. Robbed a file. Bobby realizing he got molested. Buddy, my mom. She used to put on these bright lights. Buddy, it was so crazy. She used to dress her daughter like Madonna. Remember when we had all the bracelets?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was dressed like that. I was dressed like one of her dancers. What's the big group with all the Spanish kids in it? Maduro. Oh yeah. Buddy, I wish I could find this one. There was another one.

They had a cartoon. What was the other one? I can't think of it. Uno Direccion. No, I'm trying. Uno Direccion. See? There was a more mainstream one.

I can't think of it. Dude, if I can find this photo, you're gonna lose you know that mesh football shit It was so huge in the 80s. Yeah, and it's all because of Jim McMahon Yeah, 100% it was all because my mom my mom flipped out Brought all the clothes back to that woman and screamed at him. No, my son won't have sex with you So it was like the pride thing of don't buy things for my son. Buddy, I was 13.

I'm 13, this lady's doing photo shoots and buying me clothes. Bobby, you got molested. My grandparents would have loved someone buying me clothes. Are you out of your goddamn mind? Well, first of all, Bobby was also just like a prime supple target for predators because he was got raped he

was a I don't believe I mean you blew somebody for a steak so that was that was when I was a child wait excuse me that was that was that was that was just like figuring life out I missed that part of the wiki page when I was researching to come back on now wait what I mean that gets Nikki Glazer's foot yeah okay listen was that really yeah She looked like Andy's hand. Yeah. Who's that guy? Um, yeah. I mean, like, I think we've all done some weird shit with dicks when you were young before you knew what a dick was. I mean, what are you gonna do? Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the

thing about everybody. It's so funny because when you're young, coming up, especially when I came up, you never got taught anything about sex. You figured everything out by your friends or whatever the way you found out. Your parents didn't sit you down and talk about shit. Nobody knew about it.

You didn't, especially masturbation, shit like that. So stuff just happened. And then as you got older, you figured out, I don't like fucking. I had sex with a guy. Yeah. For a sandwich. I'm right there with you.

I didn't even know what the word blowjob meant until I was giving one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was in Seattle. I mean, they were like like everything you could think of. They were like, some people prefer to have anal sex.

You know, like you're like four. So the fuck? Gotta find this photo. Did you guys all did the jerk off in the same room as friends? Yeah, yeah. Not a chance. Are you out of your mind?

No. What? No. That's a major bonding thing, dude. Can I say something? You're gay. Good, good. I'm glad we're gay in this equation.

Yeah, if you didn't jerk your friends off in a garage, you're gay. When I was a kid. That wasn't part of mine. We were in the same room. Danny's chiming in. Danny. When I was a kid.

Danny, go. When I was a kid, my friend wanted to jerk off when I was having a sleepover, but I didn't know how to jerk. I'd never done it before. So I was under the covers on the couch pretending to jerk off. Is that how you got into magic?

I was just jerking off nothing, and I was making bigger strokes than my penis because I wanted it impressive. Oh my God, that's cool. Dude, it's so funny, like sex with us too, because religious is such a, I thought I was going to hell. The first time I sucked a titty, I was like, I'm going, I cried.

Oh man. Oh really? Yeah, I thought I was going to hell because you brought up with sucked a titty, I was like, I'm going, I cried. Oh, man. Oh, really? Yeah, I thought I was going to hell, because you brought up with the Catholic religion and this is bad, this is bad, it was all crazy. The first time I sucked a titty, I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. I cried for different reasons.

For the most amazing thing in the world. I sucked a girl's titty. Two days later, I was up, I was sucking the same titty again with my friend. I'm like, dude, you gotta suck, come here, you gotta suck these titties. I ruined it. The first time I sucked a breast, I was watching Matthew Broderick's Godzilla movie in a movie

theater. That's the first, dude. I was in seventh grade. That makes me feel so old. Yeah. I was too young to be doing any of that also. That was Bobby's 40th birthday party. I sucked a tit.

I'm pretty sure I sucked a tit in second grade. Get the fuck out. Really? Yeah. Yeah dude. I was from the seventies. Oh yeah. Yeah dude. I remember the, I talked to this, the blouse, this fat chick, she brought me in a rhubarb bush with her friend and hold it. Rhubarb bush? Yeah. What was she a teacher in Little Rascals? What was the Southern Fable? Topps University, their Spicer Field was behind my house. They had rhubarb bushes, these big long... Rhubarb. And we would go in there and hang out and fuck around and she took me in there when

I made it to Second Pitch. What are you one of the Little Rascals? We were waiting for her mother's pie to cool on the sill and we went into the rhubarb bush. The fuck. That is, but that's a New England thing though, right? I did Cape Cod once. Second Pitch in a rhubarb bush? Well no, I did Cape Cod once like it's hits in a ruba Did before he did his ride and the girl took me to like like a mountain or like a woods like something

I had a fucking happy days. Yeah, I go to the point. I'm like, yeah, we used to go Are you Richie Cunningham? We would have spots you go to but I cried cuz I didn't want to do it She kind of made me then she played with my my I remember she reached down my, but I cried because I didn't want to do it. She kind of made me, then she played with my, I remember she reached down my pants, and it was sad, it was uncomfortable, and it didn't make me feel good. But a week later, I was up, Tufts University's gym. I knew how to get into the place,

and we used to go up to the attic, and the kids, one of the kids, my friend's father was one of the, I don't know, trainers there. So he would get us in, we took her up there, up into the attic of the thing. She lied on the ground, these fat, one tit was sagging that way, and one tit was sagging that way. Me and him just, like two little goats. Well you tag-teamed sucking titties. Yeah.

Wow. A little education for you at Tufts University. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. It's bad that that happened. My parents should have fucking did something. But it just, it was terrible. Yeah. I couldn't imagine that happening to my son now.

It's funny, because when you did that stuff, like in seventh or whatever, 10th grade, you thought that was like great for them too? Totally. So you would just suck their tit for like four hours and you're like, did you cum? I feel like no, now my tits smell like your breath. Exactly. I know, right?

I feel so bad for girls. The things we do to them. Yeah, they just come home with molar nipples. Oh, they're. Fucking brutal. Jesus. But I did the thing where I was so young and I was so excited that I got to do it that I kind of made fun of her. You know what I mean?

I said, oh, you have little hairs in between your tits. And she was like, what? And I was like, is that not cool? I just didn't know. And I didn't get to do that again for many years after. But it was just, yeah, you live and you learn. I was like an old man when I finally got one. Like you were talking about crying.

I was crying because I was like, I didn't think I was ever going to suck a tit. And so I'm like 19 or 20 in the back of like the tiniest car ever, Super Bowl, the night before the Super Bowl. You were in a Carmen Ghia? Pretty much, yeah. It was like a Yugo, but I think Yugos were gone by then.

Couldn't find her nipple, but I was just so happy I'm like I hope I get to do this one more time like I was just convinced I was gonna die oh I couldn't find it at all she had huge tits but really tiny nipples I love it's slightly bigger than this girl named uh I don't know if I should let's just say Rebecca chips and so we used to call her chubby chips this girl cuz she was like a chubbier version and And I couldn't find her nipples. She was called her potato chips. That too. Next time I saw her, probably, yeah. She was a lunatic after.

Childhood bully. Yes. My first girlfriend was a chubby girl. I used to call her Kimba, the white lion, because she was just this blonde, chubby girl with short hair. And she... Sounds like you guys were in love.

It was a weird relationship, like because we were notepass in, I think in seventh grade. And then she would take me to her house. But I mean, she was full on. We were banging. How old? Seventh grade. Yeah. I mean, we were banging. I would go to her house.

Were you having were you wearing a condom? No, it was me. No, do you even know what to do? I would go to her house. Were you wearing a condom? No! Did you even know what to do? Yeah, of course. I had sex before that. Jesus. Fuckin' Boston, huh? It's a different beast. This isn't Boston, though. This is a totally unique situation.

But 70's plus Boston. I'm going to tell you, I do know, because I was there. You don't, because you weren't. This is, I'm telling you. Do you meet people on the road? I'm gonna say something. Look at the movies that were coming out in the 70s and 80s. It was all pre-teen, very early teen sex.

That was just what we did back then. You had sex, coming out of the 40s, 50s, into the 60s, free love and all that shit. coming out of the 40s, 50s, into the 60s, free love and all that shit, all those parents had kids early and didn't teach their kids about sex. And everything we saw on TV and then HBO was coming, all this stuff was happening. Were you busting loads in this chick in seventh grade? Or were you pulling out?

I think I was busting. I mean, the first sex, yeah, I was busting, yeah. Because I wouldn't have known to pull out at that point. Well, back then you knew, because the movies and stuff like that, it was like teen pregnant, getting a girl pregnant was like a thing in a movie. Yeah, it was like an after school movie. Like 70s, 80s, all that shit.

When I think of 70s movies, Bobby, I think of Death Wish and Dirty Harry. I didn't see too many teens getting busted into. No dude, I would say in the late 70s early 80s. You're talking like Porky's? Porky's was a big one. See it was different because- Porky's was, I mean let's think about Porky's.

There was a movie, that was a movie where the guys drilled a hole in the wall to jerk off to the girl. Do you understand if you put that in the movie now, that's sexual assault. Yeah. Yeah. And then the gym teacher grabbed the kid's cock and held on to it, trying to pull his cock through the wall. How about fucking the other gym teacher whose name was Lassie because she howled like a fucking dog, Kim Cattrall. We used to pass that video around like it was porn. Yeah. My parents don't know I stole it. Yeah. I don't even know what you're talking about. Porkies? I haven't seen Porkies for years. I think Bill Murray's actually in one of them, right?

Meatballs. Oh, that's Meatballs I'm thinking of. Yeah, dude, movie, everything. I mean, Little Darlings with Christy McNichols and Matt Dillon, it was all about who could fuck Matt Dillon first, and they're all like 12, you know what I mean? Yeah, movies back then were way fucking different.

I remember, like, cause we were raised, like I was eight when the AIDS crisis started. So they started telling us about AIDS, like when we were like, Jesus. Seven, eight years old. How old are you? I'm 42. Yeah, I'm 54.

I was deep into fucking during AIDS, to the point where I was like, hey man, I think I got it. I got it. I think I probably got it. I love the idea of a 14 year old ripping six just being like, I think I have AIDS. I gotta figure out where to get tested.

Did you guys ever get, when you guys were single, would you go to the free clinic in Chelsea? It was always nerve wracking. It was like old gay guys who survived the AIDS crisis where your doctors, so at least you trusted them. They'd look at you and be like, no, you're okay, but it's just 40 minutes of shakes and shit.

Going there is. That place was the best because they would look, you'd give them one W9 and they'd be like, all right, $25 a visit. I'm like, for everything? Yeah, so you go to the clinic on Chelsea, everything's 25 bucks. And they did eye, they did, I think they did dental,

they did, you know. I'm gonna go there now. Yeah, you got a sick with anything, you needed a prescription, you just go there, 25 bucks. I got a concussion once doing the moving job and I went to this place in Chinatown, lower east side, and they had to do a CAT scan, and they sent me a bill for $15,000.

Jesus Christ. And I called them and I said, I don't have any money, And they said, all right, why don't you pay $15? I love China. Lucky for you. We ate that cat after anyway. It was, uh, but you, you have kids now. Yeah. So like my kid is just hit puberty and I had this, I had to literally make a bunch of decisions Of how to you know, cuz I and he's a boy So my wife's kind of throwing that on me because I get to talk to him, you know Cuz I woke up one day and he's she's like you you got to deal with that. I'm like what I looked over

He's holding his iPhone up with his heart on nice and I was like I was like I his iPhone up with his heart on. Nice. And I was like, I don't know, it's kind of genius if he has me. I mean, I would never thought of that. But it's awesome actually. That's pretty good, yeah. Yeah, that's great.

That's what we call talent, Bobby. But he's, you know, like he's going through it all. He's got armpit hair. Oh wow. He's starting to like girls. So he's 11, but I'm ahead of the game because by the time I was in sixth grade, I have done so much fucked up shit.

I mean, think about this. Next two years from now, I was in jail. You know what I mean? So. Have you gotten into that stuff at all conversationally with him? He's asked me, and he's like, have you been in jail?

I was like, I have. And he's like, well for what? I was like, me and you will have a talk about that someday, but right now, you gotta know that you're doing fantastic, you're a great kid, and you're making me so proud. Yeah. You didn't give him any peace of mind, like it wasn't

a violent crime or? No, I told him, I said, I said it rhymes with grape. And. Now let's go watch parkies together, son. Time to get to learning. I got one of your friends in the garage. I want you to go. You guys are so lucky because you both have boys.

I have to... You're lucky, dude. No, but I mean, I know it's easier to have a girl, but I have to know that little boys, you know, in 10 to 15 years are gonna be trying to do all this creepy shit to her. And I have to figure out a way to not make her feel weird about it, but also to build her self-esteem up so that she knows to swat your son's. It's all on Rosebud, dude.

I know. You sit back and go, don't fuck blacks. Well, Rosebud's gonna mess that up, so. I mean, I think it's harder because, I mean, look, you didn't have sex too. You're actually, I think, a well-adjusted. No, no. I was, I was, like, your experience is totally unique. It's definitely, I'm not on that level at all, but early into sex, I have the feelings of being molested,

but none of the memories, like all of the kind of weirdness around adults, the fact that I remember anybody who had their nails painted when I was a kid, I wouldn't let them touch me. Anytime someone would reach across me when I was sitting in the front seat to like lock the door or something, I'd get fucking weird. There's like something going on. And I was sitting in the front seat to like lock the door or something, I'd get fucking weird. There's like something going on and I was early to like.

Yeah, you got something, we gotta get in there. But the other day I was like, are you depressed? And you go, I think so. I told Bob, I'm out, I'm not out, I'm out for now. But I'm out of, I've had two great depressions in my life. One of which over the last year and I'm like more or less out of I've had two great depressions in my life one of which over the last year And I'm like more or less out of it Yeah, but yeah, you know the remnants are cut the low hum of sad is constant the Irish are impervious. Yeah psychoanalyzes

That's right. That's what Freud said that was it no I just I like the low hum of sad if you don't name something that you're fucking nuts What what brought you two together to do this podcast because I'll be honest, I didn't even know you liked each other. Yeah, we didn't know each other very well. Yeah. Yeah. You're not friends. Well, I was under...

We are now. We are now. Yeah. I get that. I was under the impression, I don't know if you guys like this, but I'm kind of, I'm a dog in this way, where I feel like the friend of my friend is my automatic friend. I'm what like Rosebud and I have been close for a long time right best buds So right when she married Andy, I just assumed I gained a brother in Christ

Like that's just my best friend, right? So once once I stopped doing chaos and I wanted to start another thing. I was like who who do I like? That's a great comic that like I I haven't really had any kind of internet attachment to? I'd like to get to know I'm great friends with already, Andy. And then him and I took pictures at JCPenney together for the cover of our podcast, and he felt the heat of my root chakra and reminded me that we had never hung out before.

Right. That was how I realized that. I also realized right away, oh, we don't actually, like, we've never hung out outside of the table or with Rosebud until that day. But what is this podcast about? It's kind of like both being dads and like struggling comics. I think struggling is a good thing.

Struggling while making it like that's the thing. Making a living. We're saying struggling in comparison to those that are making a hundred million dollars. You're working class comics. We're blue collar. This is a blue collar podcast. Journeyman. Journeyman. It's a mix. We do the gig if the money's right. That's right. In wrestling they call it a mechanic. a mechanic. Our stated goal is we're gonna remove the influencer from comedy. So it used to be that people used to watch comedy and be like, wow I'm glad that that's not my life. I'm gonna laugh

at how hard that guy has it and then go on to their life and view the world through rosier glasses. But now since comedy is such a great job to have and people see it as a viable career path, everybody's trying to sell you on the lifestyle. You're doing to bring it back. We're doing it. We're bringing it back. I already love you. I love you more. Yeah, I didn't think I could love you more. You're like we're gonna make it sad again. Where are those hats? I was having a fight with Dan Lewis and Joe on regs. Yeah, I love that show by the way. Because I was like, I was like, I was like, it's, there's not a lot, there's a lot of comedians,

but there's not a lot of, they're not all good. Sure. There's a, they're like, dude, fuck you, there's hundreds of great headline comedians, and they were like, that's all your comedy seller bullshit table that's dead. And I was like, first of all, then they started bringing up comics, I'm like, in my in my head you said that person sucks you talk shit about that one

If you gotta be honest then be honest Yeah, cuz now you just being phony cuz you're bringing up a bunch of people that you've said to me suck But now you know I mean and I'm like fuck it's like Fuck you. She's not a lot of grief. Good for you, because we had to scrap like two or three episodes because I just started saying it on the phone. Yeah, that's the Andy I love. I wish that we could just do it.

I wish that we could do it. It's something that we planned to revisit. We just didn't necessarily want it to be within the first 10 seconds of our first episode. I can't wait. Because we don't know each other, you know as comics, the real connection that we have is hatred towards other comics. It's a beautiful thing. Or love of other comics. So you get into the mix of discussing comedy and within 10 seconds we found a common hate target and just immediately off to the races. Yeah. The Super Bowl at the Cellar is so great. I found that little booth and I

just had a couple people there and we're talking ball but it's great in between like yeah I think they're blitzing a little too much Yeah, that's goddamn hack motherfuckers here now, and I hate him so much It was a beauty to it. The woke Super Bowl party? What? Here? Oh, there's nothing. Well, in my corner, baby.

Where do you come from? You mean woke? You think there's black people? Yeah, yeah. I mean all black. The woke Super Bowl party! Bobby, we didn't have it in Rochester Bobby what was what you just buy a new Ed Hardy shirt you're back on the saddle Matteo Matteo and some black people were there that was the walk in

not fuck they don't even know what football is black people don't know what the boys the black people that we're, who are the black people? Keith. That's not, he's not black. Yamanika is an expert, she used to be an offensive coordinator for the Air Force, everyone knows that. She was defensive line for Chicago Bears. Yom, I have a straight face. Yeah, you're afraid of Yom. I'm terrified. You're afraid of skinny Yom? Yeah. Yamanika is capable of legitimately taking one of my limbs off my body and beating me. Don't be afraid of that sweet girl. I love her.

I love Yom. You can calm her down with just a kiss on the cheek. You can. You have that older charisma. I was at the Super Bowl party, and you don't know, because look at you. You fucking blend in with them. With who?

The woke. You can sit right down at the table. I am woke. Yeah, I know you yeah, I'm looking Why are you guys so attacked by this here's why cuz you're not fun we not fun I will agree that most woke people are not not fun That's what most you have to be careful of what you say but I'm not to be careful with say what I said I said I'm telling you I was at the Super Bowl party two years ago and I was like those quarterback got hit I was a guy I go he's fucking paralyzed and who Dolce Simone what are the fuck you can't wish you sing away you can't you can't say that that's not what I know

that's you went to the most Christian house in America where they hated gays and miscegenation. I know what it is. Don't say it. All right. Sorry. Don't say it. I know what it is. Don't say it. How dare you fucking bring yourself above all of us. Will you have miscegenation? I. Just say misogyny. I drive a Volkswagen. I know you do. You have a n nanny you're not a real parent listen just not me and Mike real parents you not I have to neither of you are real you have a nanny I have two kids oh wow dude fuck you I have two nannies and no kids I'm winning there you go I have I have a kid no nanny parent you have a

kid armpit hair that's above my pay grade. You have... I'm in the subscription model. Yeah. I have a WeWork situation, I check in for parenting, I go, I'm gonna tap out, I gotta... I have a live feed to my daughter all day. I do.

Buddy, it's uncomfortable. I'm to say it, when you're around comics that have some fucking weird agenda, I don't give a fuck. Talk about whatever you want. But when people are sitting there looking for, why would you, I said something else too, and that's, you can't, that's rude. But that's not all, we all say horrible stuff. You should be able to say horrible shit, and your wife is a fucking asshole too. Of course. And it's you should be able to say horrible shit and your wife is a fucking asshole, too And I'm gonna tell you why that little fuck cuz she's More mean than you. Yeah, she's more me than you. She's an evil person you live actually No, she's not more because you know what she was raised by the Illuminati. So you guys she's worse. Yeah, she's worse

Yeah, she I swear she has you inside of her. Yeah outs of her Fucking rollerblade she hums the n-word I swear mm-hmm They have a much more sophisticated listen. I'm sorry When I was at I was where was it okay? Oh Pete Lee at the fucking table And I walk up and I was like Cuz he was house burnt down and all this stuff. Would you dump up fucking pile of ashes at his... No, I said, I walked up in front of everybody, I go, you were renting. That is funny. That's really funny.

And then what? Your wife, Bobby, call me Robert I think. Robert, you can't. I go, he he was rent it wasn't his yeah, do you know I would have gave him I gave him His house concern. I would have gave him you were renting concern and people say oh gosh, gee, you know Oh, I mean I was my stuff. I mean I was right and she's like Bobby. I'm like you're ranting Pete change it up And she and Rosebud and she's evil cuz she's going Robert yeah and I see this you can't say that and she's like she got to it first she know she took his side just in case a game in case it's gonna be a little bit SNL one day

that's that story takes off and she's gonna, Pete, I wrote a, listen, listen, I'm just saying. Is this wokeness gone awry? This is. I was saying. You can't even make fun of a guy's house burning down anymore. Yeah, it was. This wokeness has gone too far.

That's the problem. He wasn't his, he was renting. Back in my day. I would never make fun of the guy's house if I was gonna burn down. I will say this. Back in my day, you could bust in a lady at 11. He wasn't his he was renting Bust in a lady at 11. Yes, I will say this I won't drop names because I still believe in the emerita which you guys don't but So many people have called me and were like Yo, you know, he was renting. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Because like he went on tv and he's renting i'm like like, I'm going to be the pit for baby. A lot of people have your concern.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying we can live in this fucking fantasy. I really like that though. I think it's a fun joke. Yeah. Fantasy horse shit. Oh, let's fucking be comics and call each other out on shit. And that's all the fucking table. The table represented comics who didn't let other comics

get away with bullshit. Agreed. And it kept us in line. And you guys, your generation have failed. You know what I mean? That's not true, because I just called you out for your bullshit woke alert. I hate your hat.

That's fine. It's your generation. Your generation didn't even hold guard. Are you fucking nuts? You didn't figure out how you didn't fucking run shit I brought up acidity I got shit none of you all the post clip you're all like wait a second I think the internet is here to stay you're a fucking idiot hired a guy you don't think I Dan soda Luis Gomez yeah Joe lists all these fuck

guys I trash even you yeah you stupid fucking dummies you were hanging out with before you upgraded for an intelligent one, okay? Fucking fucking tub of shit rapper and a fucking fame climber a fame climbers fucking hilarious so Is that a new rap name yeah double shit So listen what I'm saying is is it? No, I would fuck you guys were the ones who was supposed to take it over. We gave it to you We busted your ball, but you missed it the generation between us didn't do it either. Who's that problem? Who is that? I don't know. They didn't do it fucking I passed on everything to you. I treated you guys like shit You guys like shit who is between us

You were the last generation of seniors that like threw the freshmen over the fence and those kids ended up gaining empathy from the There is there is shit I'm starting to beak at some people because it's a couple guys try to get over on you and it's like now You're not gonna have it what you guys did with the back table was beautiful. It was kind of like a pitcher Protecting the goddamn like the batter's box. Like people would crowd it and you'd throw at their fucking chin and get them off the fucking plate. None of us knew, here's what the problem is. Oh, I'm glad that analogy went somewhere.

Sorry guys, I just, Bobby gave me a look like you Philip Buston cocksucker. I'm sorry Bobby, I'm. Buddy, I liked it. Thanks Bobby. I liked it. Boy, I didn't have a dad growing up Bobby, so this is a nice moment between us.

You triggered a thing, you triggered something. I want you to go Bobby. I might take another bite of growing up Bobby. So this is a nice No, you triggered a thing and you triggered something I want you to go Bobby. I might take another bite of this shit You gotta stop talking cuz I'm old and I'll forget it. I gotta do testosterone on Magic Mind. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, here's the thing I think fame when we were coming up, right? No, none of us thought about being famous. It wasn't really a thing. It was a maybe you get on a sitcom Maybe you make some money doing that shit, but the Seinfeld stuff with the Ray Romano Our thing was like maybe we could work a weekend

We get headlining we just headline and get out of the city because we're doing spots every night seven nights a week you could make that money and Maybe you could go to LA and do a pilot season and get a blah blah blah. But, but the fame now is so immediate and fast and holy shit for these people that it's, you never know who's who. Back then you could be like, ah, fuck you. You stink. Cause we, you know what I mean? You have to respect everybody off rip because they could be fucking somebody. Yeah, but nobody's connected anymore. That's the thing.

Right. Well, like if you guys, some of the meanest motherfuckers I know are nice to people, I know they don't fucking like because they have to be. But I don't do that. Like, and I don't think Andy does that. Like I'm more... Oh, you guys of course don't do that. Look what you're on the business. Yeah, that's a fair point. By the way, there is no business anymore. There is not. What do you mean? No, it's all fractured splintered opportunities. Your podcast, your socials. Nobody's coming from Hollywood and going, we got to do a development deal. Podcasting is fucking nuts now and it ruined us. Here's what it did to us. It exposed us too much. Where before, you had to watch my clips

or see me progress in show business on TV with a premium blend or a half hour, maybe an hour, and then I come up with an album and blah blah blah, and you progress and then you see me at a club and you appreciate my standup, and that's what you started to love. And then maybe you'll see me on a TV show here and there blah blah blah. Now you have to do a fucking show every week and expose yourself fully every week verbally in a conversation with somebody else and then

you have to go on other people's shows and do it there that are more popular to bring your show up and you have to do it every week and if you don't do it every week fucking you lose everybody and someone else will fill in and there's every single comic has a podcast and is doing this shit and it's like fuck me. It's almost like I don't know I mean what are we doing? But it's the same exact thing as like social media initially where people thought that was over exposure and it is and then social media is now podcasting like everybody has their individual podcast which is a tether to their own audience.

And it is, it is too much. The thing that sucks about it is that it's taken away from standup in the sense that it's almost become the main thing. So it's like, some of my favorite basketball players are like, I don't ever get sucked into the shit. Like the fame, the commercials, whatever. I kept the main thing, the main thing, which is basketball.

And it's like a lot of standups didn't keep the main thing, the main thing. I've gotten lost in it's like a lot of stand ups didn't keep the main thing the main thing. I've gotten lost in it myself, where podcasting becomes such a focus to try to sell tickets to the main thing that it becomes the main thing. But also, I will say that I think one of the biggest problems with it is that people are impressed with a one second riff

about whatever happened on Kill Tony this week or something like that or on this podcast, they'll be like, did you see the way that he called the girl with cerebral palsy Jell-O-Bones? And everybody's like. And it's like that is genius now, the fact that you said Jell-O-Bones. When that's just shit that we would say at the back table.

Right. Describing a lady trying to get up the stairs into the olive tree, you know what I mean? Well, that stuff at the back table. Driving a lady trying to get up the stairs into the olive tree. You know what I mean? Well that stuff at the back table used to be ours. Now we have to give it away to everybody. And now they're getting used to it. So it's getting further and further.

It's weird. No, it's desensitizing. I was talking to, I forget who it was. I think it was Mike Fennoyer. And he was like, remember we could just wake up at three and work on jokes and then just go do a set, and that was our fucking, as a standup, that was it, maybe we had an audition

here and there, but now we have to get up all the time and go do some podcast somewhere. This is part of being a standup now, is having to do this, and tweet, and right. Can I go the other way though? There's part of me that really enjoys the structure. Like I think my first great depression happened when I first became a full-time comic

because I had no idea how to structure my day. I had no idea how to be a fully functional adult with a job that allowed that much freedom. So without like having to do a podcast, social media, any of this stuff, I was fucking floating in space without a tether and had no fucking idea where the horizon was. Buddy, I loved it. Fucking first few months of not having a day job, go to bed at 6 a.m. watching Battlestar or Galactica, wake up at 2.30, have a meatball parm, fucking go

back to sleep. Nice country. Original Battlestar or the? The sci-fi one. You'd probably call it what? The new one? Yeah, you'd probably call it new one. Yeah, you probably call it I love the best. I love starbuck. She can go deep when they read they figured out how to do space dark as shit Oh, I was I love it. But you know, they film most of that in Toronto They film everything in Toronto Toronto in Atlanta. Anyways Toronto's too woke LA. They only film fires Here's the deal. This is the problem with you little fucking queer comics is that you don't put a stop to it.

And we would've, we don't care, because it doesn't affect us. Nobody fucking beats anybody up anymore. I'm gonna beat somebody up. Today? No, whoever my wife is sleeping with. I want you to.

Mattel? How bad would a Mattel be? No, he beat the shit out of your face? He's just doing it though like in a ballet kind of style. He's just riding you every punch he's pushing down on you. Why'd you just get hard? I don't know. It is exciting. It comes on your back and it turns into Glinda the Grinch. And you, what do you got going on buddy? I got a new album coming out February 21st, three days after my birthday. It's called Get a Job. It's what my grandpa used to say

non-stop. I say it non-stop. The cover is me with hair. That used to happen. Trying to wake him the fuck up on Christmas after he yelled at me. And there it is. So it means a lot to me. And it's coming out, where is it gonna be available? Apple, my record company, God bless them. They're great, it's our management and all that too.

They keep pushing Spotify. I'm like, we don't get no goddamn money on Spotify. They can find it on Spotify. Go to Apple first, you can give us eight fucking dollars or whatever we're selling for. Pay for the shit. Please pay for the shit. I almost scrapped this record three, four times.

There was a lot of shit. I had a meltdown in the middle of it. I cursed everyone. Went to another comedy club in the middle of filming and hid in the green room. Came back because someone texted me, this girl I love, was like, I've come to see your second show. Show the fuck up, pussy.

So I did, and now it's finally out. There's a joke that's kind of dated. We just didn't correct it. Biden was still in the race. Biden was still in the fucking race. And so I'm like, should I go back and redo it? And they're like, we've almost scrapped this six times. It's a moment of time.

So there it is. February 21st. Get a job. It is considered one of the most anticipated comedy albums of the quarter. That was great. Oh, right. Come check it out. Of the quarter. That was the best sales pitch I've ever heard. And you guys have a brand new podcast. That's right.

Beautiful Boys, available out now, YouTube, Spotify, everywhere you can get. I'm very happy you guys are together. You guys. These two are great. To me, you and him together, when I saw that, it made sense. Yeah. Because I.

Love Andy. New best friend. Well, you're very you're hilarious Stand-up incredible both of you guys. Thank you. But also hanging out You're you're you're just fun. You know how to fucking get a laugh and you're intelligent. You're fun I think it's great that you guys are doing. Thank you. Thanks, buddy And I hope you guys have all the mediocre success And I have I don't you to get too successful. Yeah.

Because then you'll get woke. All right, listen, I'm gonna be in Philadelphia the 21st and the 22nd, and then I'm going February 27th, 28th, and March 1st I'll be at the Comedy Works in Denver. And then I'm going to March 6th, I'm going to the comics Roadhouse Seventh and eighth I'll be out there and son well he gets son. I got a lot of dates coming up Seattle I'm working until March. That's my home club. Is it laughs a great great club really great club all right perfect

I'm excited to go back up there. Is that the one that owns? No, that's not no But that's the other one this that's you're thinking it to coma yeah that room is where like Marin did a couple albums there Hedberg did a great albums there Gaffigan did a couple albums there It's a great comedy room, and then I'm going on the Calta cruise In April and then in the summer I take off so you want to see me come see me there punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly and go to YouTube dot com slash at Robert Kelly comedy my special kill box is up there for free and also a bunch of the stand-up clips you guys are gonna go to patreon right

now what do you turds have follow me on Instagram at Denny breath and I have a new YouTube show with my friend Riley called call for a good time where we call sex worker hotlines and fuck with them make him say slurs make him do accents that's very funny Joe Russell I got a show called the cheese show on YouTube but guess what it's not just about cheese cheese is just the vehicle for great laughs and great conversation. Joe Russell is one of my favorite comics. Yeah he's great. I love watching them. Can I just say this too I'm seeing their their laptop over here with a big picture of my dumb fucking face

And I've never wanted to jump off a bridge more in my life Why you this way look at the could you see this picture me my stupid smile look all right? Oh, yeah, oh my god. I had Zach I've gotten laid you got to speak up for yourselves. I didn't want to interrupt you good Yeah, but you got to you got to learn to fucking step up Zach. Go ahead. What do you got? Please send Bobby pork buns so I don't get yelled at again. And follow me on Instagram at Zacharyunlimited. Thank you.

You see this? You yell at a kid for fucking up, and it's my fault. That's why this generation stinks. Are we still in the main episode? No. I fucking can't believe it. We're still in the main. Yes, we are.

Just because I do want us having to be at Sports Drink in New Orleans March 7th and 8th there you go What's traumatized animal my special on YouTube guys make sure you check these guys out some of my favorite comedians right here Just fart. Oh Is that we're gonna go to patreon right now you want to be a member you want to ask questions? We're gonna be asking questions to these guys that you asked in patreon patreon.com slash Robert Kelly You support the show you support these guys who I asked in patreon. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. You support the show. You support these guys who I abuse. Apparently. Fucking weak people. I mean, you fucked up. Not me. It's a pork bun. It's not pork. It's fish. It's a fish bun. It's pork. That's

this. That's that. He got the wrong thing. That's not poor. That's got to have a, I bet it's got like pork. It's disgusting. Kind of like flakes.