Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #576 | Brian Holtzman | I'm Offended

Episode Date: March 2, 2025

Things get wild this week on YKWD as Brian Holtzman comes on to discuss clean vs. dirty comedy and he outs the biggest liar in comedy. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bar banner, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. What's up, everybody? We're back live at the Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar. I'm Robert Kelly and this is You Know What, Dude. And we've got a very special guest today. I don't think we've randomly met a little bit here and there. You might not even remember. I know of you. I don't know you. I know of you.

But I've met you in passing at the festivals. Danny, who do we got? We have the great Brian Holtzman on the podcast today. You know what, Danny? You worked on that. And you've done that. That was pretty good. That was actually pretty good.

I thought it was going to stink. But you did a good job, Danny. I'm going to compliment you when you need it. Thank you. I'm very excited. What's up, man? Now listen Well, it's so funny cuz he was like

Danny's like I want to have Brian on I was like great. He's like, but he's a little crazy I'm like what he's walked people his comedy is edgy. I go Yeah, I love him. Yeah, but people walk. Yeah. No. No, this is great. I wasn't everything Shut up. Shut up. It's not your show. Yeah, no, no, this is great. I wasn't everything shut up about shut up It's not your show. You're not even exist in the world Everything you're saying. I was like this sounds fantastic Why would I what do you want me to have Hannah Gatsby on? Yeah, you want to watch paint dry? Yeah, I go I may not have Hannah on to with you would be a great episode

But I mean, I'd have Hannah on too with you would be a great episode. But he's telling me all these things like you're dirty comedian. Mike, have you seen my act? I mean, yeah. And you have all these crazy jokes and I'm like, check, check, check and check. I mean, fantastic. You're right up my alley. And I want to thank you for having me because I don't get a lot of invitations to do podcasts. Now, listen, I can't have you on because of my sponsors.

Here's the thing. I wanted to just give you a quick plug at the end. I got Ryan Hamilton going to come up and do the show instead of you. But I wanted to... You just wanted to meet me. I just wanted to meet you, dude. So good to meet you. Yeah, just show him out right now and get that other guy with him, whoever he is, get him out too. Listen, good job, dude. Tell Joe I said what's up. All right? Great. Anyways... meet you. Yeah, you just show him out right now and get that other guy with him, whoever he is, get him out too. Listen, good job, dude.

Tell Joe I said what's up. All right? Great. Anyways, bring Ryan from the back now. Um, really dude, dude, like, I look, I can be getting myself, I didn't go do a deep dive. You know, you could be, you could be saying, you'd be saying some terrible shit about the Jews and, uh, black people. And I mean mean I could

go in I don't know really what I'm getting into but the thing I saw fine with me making making people uncomfortable. What are my favorite parts about Patrice? Oh I met him once in front of the Boston Comedy Club once. Right. Just once. But he was one of my favorites that he would go up and he would look at somebody's face and go you're not gonna you know you're gonna like me, why don't you beat it? I gotta take my gum out, because they fucking listen to the chats. One fat fuck was like, dad stop chewing gum while you're doing the show. It's annoying and I can't chew gum anymore. Anyways.

Was there one fan rich boss? No, he has fake teeth. He's chewing his mouth. But yeah, he would go up and be like, you know, I remember he walked like 30 people one night and then he was like, all right, let's start. Right? That's right. So why do you, why do you like, what, you're not afraid of that shit of somebody? No, I think we gotta do what makes us laugh. We have to do what we think is funny. And then you separate the people who just said, oh honey, let's go to a comedy club tonight.

You know, real audience members, real comedy aficionados, and the civilians. Right. And nobody's playing to those people. Those people can go see Jerry Seinfeld, they can stay home. Who's that? Who's that?

Yeah. Jerry. Oh! The guy with the sitcom from the 90s? Yeah. What was he? The billionaire. He's a billionaire.

But god damn it. I gotta give it up for Jerry though cause I've had my thing with him over the years. Jerry. But he is a fan of stand-up you know I mean cuz he's getting a lot of shit now too have you seen his shows he's a he's a fan of a particular stand-up he's not fond of all stand-up nobody tells a clean comic to work dirty but a clean comic can't stop saying to dirty comics or mon- modulized comics,

uh, why can't you work clean? You know? It's a double standard. Just stay in your lane. A lot of comics, they don't wanna stay in their fucking lane. Yeah, you're right. Just worry about what you're doing.

Don't be worried about what anybody else is doing. That's all they are, is caring about other people when they're doing. Whatever this box thing, I think it's a box. Triangle box. I think a triangle is that. Whatever this is, I'm fucking gonna steal that when I talk to my wife. I'm like, stay in your fucking lane. Right here, you bitch. Right here's your lane. He curses too much. He's kind of, he's not, he doesn't, he, he, he. I tell you what, I'm gonna tell you, when I first started comedy, I was in Boston,

and I was doing, I was living with this Maria Falzoni, comic at the time, I don't know if you know her, and she would, she had a, did a comedy class in her. I was staying in an apartment, cause I needed a place to stay, 125, renting a room. She made me take her comedy class, cause I was living there. She made me take her comedy class because I was living there. She made me take it, Dane Cook take it, and this other comic, Aldo Betty. But we were already killing it.

I know Aldo Betty. You know how, right? He's in Australia now, I think. Yeah, funny guy. Hilarious. Al's great. Naturally, one of the funniest guys I've ever met. And stand up, eh, no,-kidding he's great uh... that but yeah that so he uh... we take the stupid class

so i get a big fire with her she has this guy come in who's dead now i'm not gonna mention his name but he's dead he goes you got a seven minutes a clean material michael k is exceeded seven minutes because it evening at the improv days you know that's right i might get a what if my life right now i just got a rehab a few few years ago, I was in jail, my whole life is about doing comedy and getting laid. That's all I think about is getting my pee pee touched. I want somebody to wet

my penis and I want stuff to shoot out. I want to feel that and I also want to feel, woo, you're the best. What if that's my life? I don't have I'm not I'm not this I'm not that well you're too well That's but and I was like Joe Rogan I meant when he can tell us all the time when I saw his half hour on MTV He told a joke on TV about getting head and the how much pressure you can put on the top of the chicks head Before she gets you know what I mean, and I was like, that's my speed dude this guy and the how much pressure you can put on the top of the chicks head before she gets you know what I mean and I was like that's my speed dude this guy talking

about getting a blowjob on TV that's it go fuck yourself right I'm gonna do what I do now has it cost me a lot of money yes has it cost me probably a lot opportunities absolutely because clean guys have, make it, get more money, can do more things, right? But if you're not that guy, fuck it, why would you do that, right? I mean, the funniest guys, who's the funniest, who's your funniest comic?

Woody Allen. Woody Allen. And I'll tell you why. I hope so, we got 45 minutes left. Woody Allen gets so much laughter with so... Nothing. With nothing. Yeah.

That's how good his material is. Yeah. So I would say Woody Allen, just for the response he gets by giving them nothing, that's pretty good material. I like... Of course Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor is great, but he put a lot out. He put a lot of energy into his shit.

He's great. Patrice was one of my favorites. Cat Williams is really kicking ass. He puts on a show. I love Cat. Because he's just being... He's funny. There's people who are funny, and then there's people who learn from them. He puts on a show. I love Kat because he's just being, he's funny all the time. He's, there's people who are funny and then there's people who learn how to be funny.

Does that make sense? Oh yeah, they say there's people that are funny and then there's people who say funny things. Yeah, learn how to say funny things. Yeah, it is a math equation. I mean you learn, you know, it's this topic and then you put this in and what? If and blah blah blah, but then there's people that just are fucking hilarious. You know what I mean like Big J He's just funny. Yeah, big you know Big J. Yes

Dan Soda Colin Quinn Fucking me the man Jim Norton. If he worked at UPS, he would be fucking cracking everybody up in the back room, loading trucks, getting his dick sucked by some transgendered man who works in the office. You know what I mean? It is, it's a weird, it's a weird thing, but those are my favorite people

who are funny offstage, right? What? Oh, sorry. Don't ever sneak up like that, Joe. Apologize, he was about to stab you. Joe. Yeah, Joe. Right there.

Hey, Joe. So where are you from, man? You're all Texas out. I'm originally from Long Island. Yeah, I can tell. And I'm in Austin now, I'm renting an apartment in Austin. Governors? Did you Austin. Governors? Did you work at Governors?

No. You didn't? I keep telling the comics to tell them I'd like to work there. Okay. I'm from Levittown. You're from Levittown? I'll tell James. I'll tell James.

Yeah, you're 100%. It's a great club. Great guy. It's wild. I mean, you're like his cousin, for God sakes. And so, yeah, I like to do that one. Yeah. But I'm in Austin working at the mothership. And so yeah, I like to do that one. Yeah. But I'm in Austin working at the mothership.

Yeah, best club, I mean, Jesus Christ. So they're treating me very well. Isn't it weird that this guy who could've just rode off into the sunset was like, fuck it, I'm gonna make one of the best clubs in the world for comedians, and he did it? It's crazy. All the phones are locked up.

Say whatever you want. It's the best. the phones are locked up. Say whatever you want. It's the best. The phones are locked up, there's no check spot. The fucking, everybody faces in front. The security's insane. The green room's fucking holy fuck, what the fuck. You find shit in that green room, you're like, I don't even understand.

Last time I was there, there was a thing, you sniff and it fucking shoots your brain into your asshole and it makes you wanna suck your own dick. And they have a little baby embryos that you can You get embryos I didn't get an embryo what time I went in there I want a fucking embryo Joe What time I went in there there was a nurse in there giving IVs because he stepped on one of those red ant things at his house. So he got a little infection.

And there was a nurse in there. Given embryos? Given embryos. Is it embryo? I love his embryos. IVs. Wait a minute, I want an embryo. I don't want an IV.

I can get an IV myself. I can't get an embryo. If Rogan's got a fucking main line to embryos, I'd love to fucking. Ha ha ha ha. It'll grow your hair back. Oh shit, we're getting carried away. Joe, get me a napkin. Danny, get me a napkin.

No, you don't get a napkin. Don't take out a cloth napkin. Why not? Do you have a cloth napkin? What is this, 1922? You're a gentleman. Don't take it out. Don't do it.

Oh my God. No, no, no, no! Don't do it! I feel like a woman! I feel like a woman! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no running noses. I know. Right? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Wipe it all over my fucking shirt? I know, but I got to respect you have a- Like this guy over here? You have a- you have an old school napkin. You have a- what is that called? A handkerchief. A handkerchief, Robin. That was for back in the day when you committed a crime to wipe your fingers off the gun, your prints, and to give it to a lady who you just hit because

she was being disrespectful, but you still love her. She wouldn't listen. She wouldn't listen. She wouldn't fucking listen. And you had to fucking, oh, oh, oh, why, why did you, why did you hit me? Holtzman, why did you have to go and hit me again? Why? Why?

I was there at the show. I was laughing. You were doing good. You were doing good. I was there. I swear. There was no reason. I just liked doing it. There was no reason. You can hit me whenever you want, Holtzman. You're that type of guy. What are you going

to stab me? What is this? Oh, you're giving me, dude, I saw Holtzman. You're giving me fucking merch. No one's ever given me nothing on this show. I'll make sure it works before I fucking dead pen. It's from China,'s it won't write much Shit you fucking car. How dare you you fucking watch the news you cocksucker How dare you went to the Trump thing and you brought that pen? Huh? I want to give it back God bless Chinese people. I love Chinese people Dude, you did go to the inauguration

Ding what is it called inaug Inauguration, inaugural? Inaugural. No, I was not there. The Festival of Fucking the President? I was not there. I thought you went. You went to the thing with Tony at the garden. The speech.

No, I was not. Yeah, you were. I was not there either. Call your agent, you fucking lion. Call his agent, what's your agent's number? Tell me right now. 555, 555, 539, what's your agent you fucking lion. Call his agent. What's your agent's number? Tell me right now. No. It's 555-555-539. What's your agent's name? Is he right there? Is that him right there? No.

Who's this big guy you're hanging out with? This guy? Fourth grade. Fourth grade? You guys sucked each other off in fourth grade? Yeah. That's a... your hand jobs? Yeah. Can we tell you something? Back in the day we were men. We used to jerk each other off. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Back in the day, we were men. We used to jerk each other off. Because our parents didn't tell us about sex.

We jerked each other off and found out about men. Stuff comes out. Stuff didn't come out mine. It will, it will, Brian. Brian, someday. It will. And it did. And here you are now.

Do it like this. You got to do it like this because you got two friends. You didn't have just one friend. Kids don't jerk each other off anymore. They don't. No, they don't. They learn about sex from their parents. What kind of bullshit is that?

That's why this world's fucked up. Guys aren't jerking each other off. My parents never mentioned anything about sex. My parents? You had parents? You took two? I had one mom and a bunch of dads flying in. Nobody taught me about anything.

I had to fucking learn in a rhubarb bush with a fat chick in her tits, and then my friend jerked me off in his garage while he played the guitar. Yeah, fucking Van Halen, it was pretty good though. Anyways, so you didn't go to the inauguration. Or the, where the fuck were you then? With Tony.

I was at the MSG on June 9th. Motherfucker, I just said MSG. I said the Madison Square Garden. Did I not say that? Did I say it? You did say Madison Square Garden. Thank you, all right, I said it. Look at me.

They're not gonna disagree with you. Of course I'll fuck, I will fuck, I will, listen to me. I will fucking, you know what I'll do to them physically? I will fucking bend, show them your ass Danny. Show them what I did last time. Show us where the shit rolls out of your hole. Is that what you wanted? No, I didn't, I pushed it in.

I pushed it in and it came out of his ear. You haven't get your shit pushed in. Yeah, so you were there. Now did you, now I'm not gonna ask who you voted for because I think that's, you know, who gives a shit, right? But are you, were you were there. Now, did you, now, I'm not going to ask who you voted for because I think that's, you know, who gives a shit, right? But, are you, were you excited to be invited to that thing? Now, did you get invited to Tony Breaks?

No, no, no. I went to a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, Oh, you did? A Kill Tony event. I didn't do a political event. I'm going to say something right now. I'm going to tell you right now. Look at what, look what this says. Ready? Here say something right now. I'm gonna tell you right now Look at what this says ready here. It says right here ready

Here it goes went to Trump's MSG. It says if he went to Trump's MSG thing What would he was tell you something right now shut up? I'm not I'm not smart listen Listen, I'm not I'm gonna tell you this right now. I'm not smart. I don't read all the words in a sentence I read what I want to read you understand, but these young kids they don't read all the words in a sentence. I read what I wanna read. You understand? But these young kids, they don't get that. He expected me to read the if. Fuck the if.

When you read it the way I wanna read it, I make a better story, ready? He went up at the Trump MSG rally. Better story. Then we could've went with that, but apparently you didn't take improv class back in the day because we could've went with that. Now it's if. If you went, whatever. And I didn't take improv class back in the day because we could have went with that now it's if if you went whatever and I didn't go who

cares why would you ask a question if I thought it was for topics I said yeah it was under Todd it was an idea of if you went what would his speech at Trump's rally would have been what do you think he's gonna fucking write a speech right now what do you think what do you think he's going to do? We're having a conversation. I apologize for that, but what would you say? Shits and giggles. What would you say? I wouldn't be there.

You would have went, ah. Why not? How about this? It's good to have the president here. I hope he doesn't take me back. Now you're Italian, right? No, Portuguese. You your Portuguese. Let me tell you something about your English muffins Fucking best, you know, you guys know about the Portuguese English muffin Fucking best. Do you know about it? No, I don't what the fuck kind of Portuguese are you do? It's like this big

It's the best English muffin in the world. So you're from New York, you're from Levittown, you're Portuguese. Wanto. What? Wanto. What'd you say to me? Wanto. Fuckin' Wanto yourself. Wanto.

What? W-A-N-T-A-G-H. Oh, the part of, the part of. Right across from Levittown. Okay, right, okay, you're talking, I thought you were being fuckin', you wanted to fuckin' go, I mean, I know. You wanna go?

Wanto, Wanto and you, how's that? I mean, I know. You want to go? Want on, want on you. How's that? So, now you're out now. You were in the Comedy Store for a while though, right? That's where you made your bones. That's quite some time. Right? How long you been at the Comedy Store? Since 1989.

Holy fuck, wow. Yeah, long time. That's a long time. That's where you started comedy? I know you started. I started in the Bay Area with the open mic business. You started in the Bay Area? Like punch line and all that?

On Sunday evenings, yeah. So you were with, what's his name, Slayton? No, he had already moved on. Warren Thomas, do you remember a gentleman by the name of Warren Thomas? With the I? The teacher? And the little guy on Saturday Night Live,

the little guy who did the copy machine skit. Yeah, yeah. What's his name? The copy, Schneider, Rob Schneider. Yeah, but around the time he was there. Well, he was like a runner-up, or he might've won the San Francisco Comedy Competition. That was the biggest competition in the country.

Maybe the world. Who was it? Dane Cook did it, and he came in second, and what's his name? Fuck. What's his name? Fucking legend! Drunk, lives in Arizona, drinks.

Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Stan Hope? Stan Hope, Doug Stan Hope one. He's from Boston, didn't even fucking know it. He had long hair. This is a fun fact, I don't know if you know this, stop me if you do, but if you do know it, don't stop me, because it's a good story they don't know.

So I just say that, you understand? So please, don't fucking do this to me, okay? Are you gonna finish that gum? No, I won't. I'm kidding. Okay. Um, so we, we um. Let me put it away for you.

Oh thanks buddy, appreciate it. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. We But here's the thing is the You gonna finish that I'll take this for you That's called producing so he won won, he won the stand up one, sold his car, he was living in his car, sold his car, and then Monkled had to buy his car back because he had to live in it again because he lost all the fucking money. You know what I mean?

How crazy is that? And then Dane went on to be a gazillionaire. Right. Weird business. Did you ever get into that festival? Oh no, no, I was just an open micer at that time. So I went to the comedy store to get it over with, you know. And it ruined my whole life.

My whole fucking life was ruined. Mitzi Shaw gave me spots every night of the week. I just wanted, I said go to LA, they'll tell you if you're funny or not, and you can go on with your fucking day. And it's been an arbatross around my neck ever since. They say why do you do comedy? Why do you do it?

Because they let you, right? How many people wanna do comedy? They have to let you, they have to give you time on stage. They have to let you. You just can't say people wanna do comedy? They have to let you. They have to give you time on stage. They have to let you. You just can't say I wanna do comedy. Nobody, you know, everybody wants to do something, but not everybody's allowed, right? It's real simple.

I mean, you've really simplified this thing down. Why do you do comedy? Because they give me spot? Yeah, I would, it's a fuck, we would, do I got somebody? Don't cross your legs like that. Makes you look like I'm hanging around with a fag. It's a little, it is, you know what?

It does, you look like, I don't like tools. No, I don't wanna go there, I don't want that look. That's not a good look. I don't want a guy with a fucking scarf and a teacher jacket crossing his legs and he's taking care of you, you know what I'm saying? Can I call you Bob? You can call me whatever you want,

but don't call me late for dinner. What's up, son? Come on, old school, let's cheers that out. What's up? Yeah, you call me Bob, whatever. Can I call you B? Listen, it's funny that you say that because it's like you look back 30 years,

I started 30 years ago, you look back, you're like, what the fuck? What happened? 1988. I started, I think, 90. So maybe a little less than 30 years in Boston. But now how many people have you seen? You know, Lenny Clark.

Yeah, fucking love him, he's the best. He's the best. He has trouble telling the truth, but he's a nice guy. I don't understand what that means. I was on the phone with him a few days ago, and I told him, you know, just try to tell the truth. Just try to tell the truth.

When I'm confused I'm going to do this. That, okay? What? I don't understand. What is he lying about? What is he lying? He was at a funeral for somebody and he said he'd said something to somebody and I said, did they believe you it's fun fucking with people that are you know yeah much more yeah in the

business yeah because they're used to everybody just sniffing around their ass but you don't give a shit no No, no. You don't care. Do you think that's affected you at all? Uh, what, what? Now I don't know what the fuck's going on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's my auntie. This is your auntie. That's my auntie, I have a auntie. All right. Ah, shit dude. Yeah, he's coming to the mothership in March. Yeah. In the March. When is he coming?

April. Oh, right, all right. When in April? The week of Moon Tower. Whenever that is. I'm leaving in April 24th. Moon Tower's gonna be there. Right, as it is, always here.

So. Every year. always here. So. Every year, always here. I'm actually, I wanna play the mothership during that. Oh good, man, I hope I'm in town. Which I love, yeah, absolutely, come by. I love the club, and I love the, I don't know, it's weird because you will be there like during the week, and it's packed,

the green room's packed, but when you headline, it's pretty much just you and maybe a couple of people. Well, you get the roommate, you get the green room, you know, sometimes it's a closed green room. It's a headliner only. Right, which I like, but I also like it when you're there and there's everybody there. You know what I mean?

Now, do you do drugs? Do you have any cocaine? Actually, check this out. Yes I do. I do. This is made of cocaine. Take a bite. No, I have no cocaine.

No, I don't do drugs. Did you do drugs back in the day? How was it? Back in Hollywood, the comedy store? The problem with the drugs is, you're thinking you're having a better time than you really are. Yeah, well.

Especially the next day. Well the next day. Hang on one second. Ah, whew! God bless you. Oh, God. What, you never sneezed? Yeah, you never sneezed?

You never fucking. Clean that up. I gotta clean that up. It's the fact that that's the bomb, Oh, God. What, you never sneezed? Yeah, you never sneezed? Clean that up. It's the fact that that's the bomb, that's the bomb, Dan, and everyone has to touch it. Yeah, well go wash it, you fucking sock puppet. I don't know what that means. No, I haven't, I just went over 20 years. I haven't had a...

Hey, buddy. Yeah, 39. 39? Yeah, a little more than you, but the thing is, it's not about that. It's not about that. It helps. I mean, it's...

It does. It kind of helps. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, dude, I've been sober for a long time, man. Oh, it's great. It's so much better than fucking using drugs. I couldn't imagine being in this business having drugs to fall when you want to murder somebody,

you hate somebody, somebody fucks you, somebody talks, instead of, you know what I'm saying? Now let me ask, you seem like the type of guy, I'm this guy, I had an incident today. I notice you're not wearing these, you don't think, should I wear these? You look good in them. Okay.

You look fantastic. Does it sound bad? Let me ask you a question, do you have a hard hearing? I have a 10% disability on my hearing. Yeah. I don't want to get personal about it. Well, is it 10% or is it... No, it's 10%.

In both years? I'm not sure. If it's 10% in one ear or 5% in each ear. Well, you know what? 9% in one ear and 1% in the other ear. I'm going to put them on. I don't know what... I never... Hey, can you shut the fuck up? I'm seriously... I don't know what, I never. I'm gonna put them on so. Hey, can you shut the fuck up.

Fuck up, seriously. I'm having a yell and all. I can't fucking hear you. I'm sorry, I apologize. Listen. As an example, not to do drugs. Oh no. No, but what was I gonna say to you?

Because you seem like the type of guy, like I am having a hard time at this, I'm 54. I was a crazy fucking dude, I don't know nonsense, go fuck yourself, you know, blah, blah, blah. And now it's like as I got older. Boston, Boston. Boston, right. It's the law. Yeah, but now as I get older, I'm getting more,

like more empathy where it's like I Don't want to fucking tell somebody to go the the amount of energy that goes in to go fuck yourself, right? There's so much after that there's so much because they're gonna go and tell them and they're gonna go Everybody and all of a sudden just because you said someone straight who really needed to be said straight you become the asshole I'm the asshole because you said what needed to be said straight, you become the asshole. I'm the asshole. Because you said what needed to be said. Right. It's not worth it. It's not worth it anymore because,

but now, but people still come in like, oh, I'm the guy. So they'll come in hot and I'm like, dude, I'm not that fighter, I don't wanna do this shit. Yeah, dude, fuckin' nah, I thought that's the way. I was like, Jesus Christ, man. And it gets me to the point where I want to become, go fuck yourself and go fuck your mother

and fuck her mother and her fucking sister too. And it's so much that goes into that. It's almost like, you know what I'm saying? It's like I'm too old for that now, but it's coming back. I feel like it's these fucking gossiping, mewling assholes that's just, you can't win, either way.

Who bothers you, Rob, Bob? People do. I mean, you're a pretty well-known entity. Who is fucking bothering you? It's just, it's not that, it's like, I feel like now I don't wanna, I don't have to tell people to go fuck themselves. I don't want to be, I'm not in that mode anymore.

You know what I'm saying? I got a wife, I got a kid, I got a house, but I feel like I got to go back to fighting crime. I got to go back to telling people to go fuck themselves again to the point where it's like, hey, you know what? Whatever it costs me, go fuck yourself because you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking asshole. Go suck your own dick. I a piece of shit. You're a fucking asshole go suck your own dick I'm sick of you. You know what I mean, but you it's like you don't you want to get to the point where people are just good

Like that doesn't exist. Good luck. It's done. You know the manager at the mothership Heather told me before I left Somebody always wants something. They always want something. Like your producer. Yeah, told him I don't want to be text. Want to be called. Text me. Fucking hate it. You text me again. What's his name? Danny. Danny, you're gonna call me. Don't text me. Danny Braff. Danny Braff. I hate you fucking much.

He's a fucking piece of fucking shit. Fucking shit. Listen man, that's him right now. Don't even look over there. Don't give a talk, because he's gonna laugh. He's got autism, he's gonna laugh more, because that's what he fucking wants. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. I say we fucking kill him tonight. Not dead, but we beat the shit out of him. And we film it. And we just keep sending it to all my fucking Hanukkah. To that channel where they make the bums fight. Yeah, we call it fucking... fucking... tizzy fights. Because he has tism.

We have two guys beat the shit out of this fucking asshole. fucking tizzy fights, because he has tism. We have two guys beat the shit out of this fucking asshole. And then we text him. We text him. Hi, you pussy. How do you like it? How do you like it now? I don't like people fucking texting me either. I got a million text messages all over.

And then they're like, dude, you didn't, it's like, dude, I'm a grown man. Call me, if I can't answer, I will let you know, and I will call you back. Because this text message that you're sending me is a five second conversation, or it's a three day fucking thread that I gotta deal with. Well, you're gonna say this, I'm gonna say that,

you're gonna say this, now we're in this, call me up. Dude, can you do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no, I can't, oh yes, I can, cool, I'll see say that, you're gonna say this, now we're in this, call me up, dude, can you do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no, I can't, oh yes, I can, cool, I'll see you then, great, bye. You know what they're doing now too? You have to text somebody to say if it's okay to call. What? You have to text somebody to ask them

if it's okay to call. Because they don't like calls. Yeah, a lot of comics, I call them and they'll say, well, you know you're not supposed to be calling. Who? You know you're not supposed to be calling. You should have texted me, like in a kind of a wise ass way. Yeah, yeah.

You know, you should be lucky I'm calling you, you fucking asshole. Fucking assholes. Fucking everybody's such a fucking prima donna. Why can't everybody be just like you? why can't everybody be just like you? why can't people be just like you? not me, you I'm not from Boston so I'll never be like you you're from fucking New York, I'll never be like you

that Lenny character, Clark character he's gotta stop lying he's gotta start telling the truth I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna talk to him so I'm excited you're coming out, I hope I'm there now do you know the exact date you're gonna be at the Munchies? It's the weekend of the moon tower. I don't wanna take my phone out now and look,

but it's April, April something, eighth maybe that week. Good, I think I'll still be there. I'm not gonna cancel this weekend. I'm gonna move it to another weekend. Listen, the thing is, I don't want you walking my fucking crowd, you're a maniac. Oh no, they never asked me to do the head, Listen, the thing is, I don't want you walking my fucking crowd. You're a maniac. Oh, no. They never asked me to do the headline.

I'm kidding. The headline is coming. They don't ask. I'm kidding. Do you mind? Let me ask you a question. If I brought up the clip that I watched, would that freak you out?

Which one is that? Bobby, you're going to be there April 18th and 19th. April 18th and 19th. I'll be out of town. What clip is that? Danny. Danny. We'll pull it up. All right, he knows.

The stand up one or the walking one? The walking. The one you walk. You like the walk outs? I just, here's the thing. That's not my idea by the way. It's not your thing, but it's what you do and you don't give a fuck right if someone's walking I've done that too my my first I was in Houston

And I did a whole weekend of filming my first album my first CD when we made CDs before specials You know we had to have HBO's you know fucking DMU special to have a special now everybody in there fucking since this guy everybody Danny has a special coming out next week live from the fucking shit fucking hot in Jersey City That's why I call mine a presentation. Oh, I like that because the fucking special has been just fucking watered down to fucking carpet juice I've never thought of carpet juice, but I know what you're talking about Listen it is everybody and their mother has a fucking special now. It's not specials.

A special used to be this thing that you anticipated. It was coming. Oh my God, everybody and their mother's like, I got a special on YouTube, I'm giving away for nothing. Fuck. All different platforms, all different. Unbelievable. All right, here we go, let's watch this.

Here we go. Volume 11, which is hilarious. Hang on, turn it up, we can't hear it. You fucking chooch. Oh, I hate, I hate. Maybe if we can't hear it, the audience won't be able to hear it. You know what? Yes, that's right.

Robert, Bob, Bob. Here's the thing. Bob, get on that fucking camera. But see that, we have this wall up So I can't throw shit on him so I can't hurt them I can't hurt them, but you're closer to me you got the perfect head so why is it a ball? They need hair you have a nice you have great hair. You know you have great hair. It's fucking sick, right? I've been Nice hair, but no brains

Who needs brain when you got fuckin' hair? You got a fuckin' hairline like that. I'd rather have a little brain, tell you the truth. No you don't, no you don't. I'd rather be able to do this. I'd rather be a little smarter to tell you the truth. You can come out of a pool and do that. How fuckin' great is that?

How fantastic is that? Yeah, good, here we go, here we go. What is it? I'm fine with it, but Jesus, I'm fine with it. Yeah, all right. What is it? Who gives a fuck about a Google review? What did you do to piss this lady off? All right, stop with this fucking editing. It could have been, could're so offended by Trump. We are so worried about Canada. Oh, fuck off.

Oh. Oh, God. Oh, fuck you! I mean, let's pause this right here. Let's pause it right now. Listen, you're not making a good case for women not being stupid by you saying women aren't stupid, because that shirt just sucks. The shirt doesn't match the breasts. The breasts, I mean, the tits are weird, right?

She's got an enlarged growth on her neck. I mean, I think that's her neck. Middle age, she's probably not had dick in a few decades. Few decades, right? Fucking hair is all colored and dyed. Looks like she had her work done on her face that didn't quite match her and forehead. She's all fucked up.

Yeah, let's play a little more of this dumb dumb. I'm gonna tell you, stop right there. She's not, I love, ah, a lot of businesses. You don't tell people you run a lot of businesses. Who the fuck does that? A bragger, a bragger. I run a lot of businesses. No you don't.

You're in a fucking holiday express. She's in a gas room stall giving out hand jobs, do a haul. That's the business she's running, Robert. Can I call you Robert? Please call me Robert. Please change it from Bobby to Robert. Bobby!

I forgot about Bobby! I like Robert. Robert, Bobby, Bob. What do you like? No, no, I gots to know! I gots to know! I want, I want Bob. I want Bob.

I want Bob. Bri, B? No, I don't like Bri. Bri? No? B? B? Just because I got a handkerchief, you want to call me Bri? I want Bob Bry, B. No, I don't like Bry. No, B, B.

Just because I got a handkerchief, you want to call me Bry? You think I'm going to start sucking everybody's cock? Oh, great episode that would be, if you started sucking everybody's dick. Barry Manilow, I'm not. Oh, you're close. Alright, play this guy. This fucking guy. Is that it? You. All right, play this guy. This fucking guy. I fucking love it.

Is that it? You. Play the Christmas tree one. I like the Christmas tree one. Play the Christmas tree one. It's over to the left. Go left. Other way. Other way. Does he have a different screen than we have? Right there, click! Thank God it's Tuesday.

What the fuck are you doing? Here at my neighborhood tree lot, and I just want to go over to some important points to remember when picking out a fresh Christmas tree. Bring money. Just bring money. With that said, you want your needles to be soft. You don't want hard needles. You want your needles to be soft and pliable.

Hard needles means that tree is in shock and may perish at any time Bring a tape measure with you to the lot. These are all good facts by right there. I thought this is a joke This is just real Try to help out Robert They're gonna call old lady a cunt You can't fit that sofa in your house. Take a paper, measure your trees up and down and make sure your new Christmas tree will fit in your residence. Always watch out for broken branches and damage. You do not want that.

Never let someone walk in broken branches. Also, trees drink up to 25 gallons a day. That's what I'm talking about the brains, the 25 gallons a day. I don't remember. I'm pretty sure a camel doesn't drink. I mean, people don't drink 25 gallons. What? What did you get this outfit?

What old band did you? This is what I wear. What guy at Burbank did you murder to? Who have a wonderful time. You tuck? You're a tucker? Good. Thank God it's Tuesday.

All right, there you go. So listen, dude. Now, when you're walking these people, right? Do you ever feel bad? No. No. Let me ask the question again. When you walk these people, do you ever feel bad?

No. Let me ask one more time. No. All these people, do you ever feel bad? No. Let me ask one more time. No. All right, one more time. Just give me one more shot at this. Yeah, we walk these people. Do you ever feel bad?

No, no. Just making sure you're committed. Yeah, it's more about them than it is about me. They're crazy. Have you ever had somebody get physical? No, I had a couple of glasses thrown at me once back in the Bay Area. Give me a percentage, women to men. Women to men? Give me a percentage, the people that leave your show are half of-

Well, the guys have to leave. They have to leave with the bitches. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't mean that deagratorily. Hang on, I don't know, I'm gonna write that word down. Am I offending you, Robert? I'm gonna write down deaglatory. You're from Boston.

This is right up your alley. This is right up your alley, Bob. I think that's D, A, deaglatory. Now you understand about, and it writes too. I love this pen, I'm giving this to my wife, right in her fucking asshole tonight. I'm sticking her butt and fucking come right in her cheek. Like that's from fucking Holtzman.

No, but the percentage of people, I think it's 99.9% women, and 1% men that fuck around in our in a that get offended or cause trouble in our comp. Right, right. Am I right about that? Right. There'll be a guy who'll say something loud enough that the rest of the audience can hear him. But not a not a this is disgusting or this is I this is stupid you know. Very rarely you have a guy going this isn't funny you know what I mean well then what you don't mind do you please oh then why they one more time you're gonna do it do it listen wait let me get

ready for you put a little hair on my balls that what you say yeah thank you Thank you. Go ahead, what were your questions? If they're gonna talk to me, I asked them, why are you talking to me? Yeah. Do you wanna fuck me? Yeah. No, I don't. Are you asking me? No, no, no, no. The audience.

I'm talking to you, I'm sorry. Fuck, Jesus Christ. That was uncomfortable. That was an uncomfortable pause, wasn't it? If I said no, you'd be like, why not? You don't want that on a podcast. No, of course. Uncomfortable pause, you know?

Yeah, we gotta cut that part out, because there was a weird pause. Jesus, it was like, no. I was thinking about it. You were thinking about it? I was like, Jesus, I don't know. Oh my God. I do like that Debonair mustache.

Geez. Now where did you get, see, because now you're very, when I look at you, you have this style. Has this been your style for a long time or did you create this over the years? From the get go. From the get go you've been this guy. I've been doing it wrong ever since the get go.

I could do this another hundred years and never, you know, some comics, you know how polished they are? Yeah. You know how they go up there and ah, ah, ah. Jokes. Jokes, written jokes. Written jokes, no, it all works. Somebody told me, when you hear somebody say,

that comic was very clever, that means that comic probably sucks. Gany got that last week from his mother. Yeah, clever. Oh, he was so clever. What about when they clap? You like clapped her? Like, oh, that was a good one. Yeah, no, I want him.

I want him. Laughing. Spitting up fluid, you know. Yeah. Saying that their stomach hurts, or oh, my face, my face hurt. I never laugh so hard. you know, that kind of shit.

I want them to laugh so hard that they're retarded. Exactly, like a bunch of special needs adults. I mean, I tell you what, one of the best crowds ever worked in front of special needs. You did a special for special people? Yeah. That's one you could have turned down. Come on, you like handicapped people? Crazy dude.

You like people in wheelchairs You like people with canes and shit come on who wants to see those people's that's it. No. I'm busy that day I'm working with rich boss. We're doing a normal people show It's all right He's crossing trouble. No, he's doing great. He's trying. You got him there. You got him there.

He's crossing his legs again. Do you want to fuck us? Yeah. You want to fuck somebody? I mean, listen, put the scarf in your back pocket if you want some ass. I mean, there's codes. He really is an artist, though. Really.

What do you mean? He paints oil. Are you really a painter? No. Tell Robert where we had dinner. At the National Arts Club. At the National Arts Club? Gramercy Park.

The National Arts Club. With the Gummars. What is, where is that? Gramercy Park, right where. Really? Can I? It's a peace town. Buddy, guess what?

Yes. I was an artist. Okay, you are an artist. I went to, no, I was a painter. I used to, I went to college for fine art. Bunker Hill Community College. What? He said Bunker is good, Robert. Bunker Hill, not Bunker. It's not Bunker. He's trying to make it fancier. Bunker is good, Robert. Bunker Hill, not Bunker. It's not Bunker. He's trying to make it fancier. Bunker was great. It was an all-female college. No.

So, what do you paint? What do you bring? What's your website? Get my box. Get the box and let them look at your brochure. Oh, I want to see it. I want to see it. I love art.

No, but thanks for having me, man. I really appreciate that. I'm glad I was- I don't get a lot of invitations to do big podcasts like this. Why? I don't understand. You seem like a small guy. Because I don't ask a lot of invitations to do big podcasts. Why? Stan you seem like a so I don't ask I wait for them to ask me right if you have to ask The answer is always gonna be no all right say that again if you ask the answers not that Wow you're real that's fucking nuts I mean dude what you painted that what the fuck man unbelievable here's a funny part when you said he's an artist I'm like yeah yeah yeah it was

gonna be like a cat oh show him the brochure I mean this is nuts did you paint that I mean this guy's fucking so good. This guy's a fuck. This is great. Do me a favor though, you're really good, but you're not as good to sit in front of my camera. Beat it. Over there. Okay?

No, get the fuck over there, right? Listen. Hey. He's, the son of a bitch sat right in front of my camera. Brian. Give me the pro. Brian. Brian, he sat in front of my camera.

What the fuck is this guy? Oh, that's wrong. I mean what the fuck? That's wrong. Do I come in? Tough guy? Tough guy? Yeah. We're from Levittown. He's not from Levittown.

No, he's from Boston. He's from Waka Waka. He's from Boston. I'm from Boston. He's from Next Door, which is Waka Wuka. What town is it again? I'm just pushing out. What town are you from again?

Wantour. Wartour. Wartour. Wartour is within the Levittown family. I don't like him. I'm getting sick of them already. These are artist type. No, I love, dude, you're fantastic.

I can't believe he's real. This is, it's scary. It looks like a photograph, right? I mean, it's crazy. I want to buy one. Can I buy one of your photos? How much is one of your paintings? How much?

Three thousand. I'll give you three thousand. He sold a painting to Giuliani. He did? Wow. When he was OK. When to Giuliani. He did? Wow. When he was OK. When he was OK. When he stopped dripping. Oh, he stopped dripping his hair.

That was sad, right? When he got his when he was sweating and his his nonpermanent hair dye was dripping down. And the fact the fact that they the people that were with him, let that happen, makes me sick. Because if my wife, if I was ever outside of my my hair started dripping and she let it go down I would divorce her what's up let me see this I won't touch it okay I won't touch it I won't touch it all right just there's a time there's time restraints on this podcast

Take that time. Wow, dude, you're fucking you're so good, dude. Wow, that's fucking. Brian, can you ring the bell? I mean, it's really great. Oh, Silver Cup Studios. That's a painting. But you are fuck queens. I mean, you're really wow.

That's fucking great. I mean, that was not that good. I mean, I mean, could have spent a little more time. I mean, I think you rushed that. What, did you have a whole thing going on? You had to get some stuff on the wall? Okay, listen, dude, that's fucking, I mean, dude, you're hanging out with a Jit. We met in fourth grade.

What's your info? We'll put it on the screen. Here, put that back, Brian. Glen Hansen. Glen Hansen. That's beautiful. I mean, you gotta check himen. Glenn Hansen. That's beautiful. I mean, you gotta check him out. He's legit, here's funny.

Isn't it funny, you knew him before he knew any of this shit. When people had broken arms in school, he would write the logo for the Grateful Dead on casts. Oh really? Really nice, you know? So you, see that's something you're born with, right? Cause I,

Like with comedy. Well. He was our funny, fuck the podcast. He was the funniest guy in high school, So you see that's something you're born with right because I Okay, that's great. I mean I believe he's on my show you have say fuck the podcast I have him on the show Yeah, I'm promoting him. I know why you get attacked me I mean, I'm pumping you up. I'm pumping him up all of a sudden fuck the podcast I'm pumping you up. I'm pumping him up all of a sudden fuck the podcast This guy's going nuts he's tall too. He's a problem. He's a problem if he goes off right now. He's a fucking problem I got I got two kids with autism and a fucking gay twink back there. I can't handle it Are they old enough to adoption or you're gonna keep them? You can take whatever you want. I oh buddy I give one away at the end of whichever one you want at the other show you get to take with you

Did you know that swear to God? Let's stay honest. Let's stay honest. Okay. Listen, we're gonna wrap this up, but I know Buddy let me tell you something it goes quick for why does it go quick because you're having a good time Is you having a fucking good time? I don't hear from you anymore Paint what you see right side of your brain suck my dick. All right Well, it's funny can I tell you what my whole artist's life was based on? Second grade, Miss Julian, my teacher was kind of bitchy,

but loved art. She was a big art person. So we had a thing, we had to do a drawing. So my mother bought me, for Christmas, charcoal drawing. And we drew a Great Dane. One of the things in the thing was draw a great because there was a book called Drawing from the Right Side of Your Brain. You remember that book? Okay. So she got me this book. I didn't read it. She kind of... then she drew this Great Dane. Beautiful.

With me. But she did it. Most of it. I did some of it. I passed it off as my drawing. She told me to. Went in. She was like, oh my god. She had me go to every room as the artist. As I had to go to every class from first grade to sixth grade as look what I did. That's how good this fucking drawing, this chocolate drawing, as my, I'm lying. So my whole life I was like, I'm an artist. When I knew deep down I was not a fucking artist. So cut to high school, right?

I'm in art class and they take a liking to me. I win this scholarship because I, but I'm never really an artist. I'm a fake phony fucking piece of shit. I could do it but I never could do it great. I'm a fake, phony, fucking piece of shit. I could do it, but I never could do it great. Thank God I found comedy. And you know what I did here? What'd you do?

On 40th Street between Park Avenue and Lexington, there's a museum, the American Kennel Club Dog Museum, and they have pictures of canines, paintings. It's $15 to get in. It's discount if you're over 65. Thank you. Appreciate that information. And if children it's not but... Oh, it's good though because children might like it. But it was a very interesting museum and the reason I brought that up is you were just

talking about the photograph of the Great Dane. Great Dane. And the reason I brought that up is you were just talking about the photograph of the great pain Unbelievable you know things just sometimes things just they just go to they just come together like a puzzle It's uncanny. It's not uncanny. It's on dog candy Dogcandy! Dogcandy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH Now you know why nobody invites me on their podcast. Now you know why? Why would you want to talk to me? Why? Why? No one wants to talk to me? Why? No one wants to talk to me. I want to talk to just you. Nobody else because you get me. You get me. I want to talk to you. And only you. Anytime you're in New York, you can fucking come back on this podcast. You know who Greg Fitzsimmons is? Yes I do. I went on a podcast with him and I had my phone, you know, and he said, hey, what are

you going to do with the phone? You're going to, you're going to, you're going to, he said, leave it alone. It's okay. This isn't, this isn't NBC studios. It's a podcast. Just like you were nice enough. See, you're a professional. I am.

You don't give a fuck if this drunk was sitting over here talking to us. No, I don't give a fuck. Hey. It's live.'t give a fuck. Hey. It's live, it's a live podcast. Buddy, you guys look like you're a fucking crime fighting team from the fucking 80s, where you, he's your guy who gets you all the jobs, and you're the guy that solves the crimes.

Right, he's the mastermind. Yeah, he's the. He's the owner of the crimes? Yeah, no, he's solving, now you're getting the gigs. You're like, all right, I gotta get you. Who's got crabs? Who's got crabs? Nobody's got crabs, but that's the case you're like I got a good you got crap nobody's got crabs But that's the case you're solving who's got the crabs who's got the bed bugs right, but he's an artist

That's why he can afford to do these side gigs with you Wow, I'm glad I'm glad we got to talk because we never really talk we never talk I knew of you I knew of you between when you know of somebody or do you know somebody, but you know everybody in show business, oh I know him. They're afraid to say I know of him or I know of her, but I don't know them or I don't know her. I think you made your point. I'm pretty sure you just made your point.

I'm pretty sure you really got him. Goof, goof, goof, goof, goof, goof. Bring the money, bring it. You did, we get it. I'm pretty sure you Listen we got questions from you from the fans, so we're gonna wrap this up I want to give you plugs and I want it we're gonna plug everybody and then we're gonna go to the patreon But it's no stop. We're just gonna go in we got questions from the fans If you want to ask questions of the people that I have on the show You become member of the patreon okay, and that's how you do it you support the show through that so I can pay these fucking kids Whatever pins I give them so they come here and I can throw stuff at them and they can get the stuff on the air But here's the thing patreon.com slash Robert Kelly, but if you're watching on YouTube do me a favor

thousands of people have been on. Thousands. Click, subscribe, get in the comments, and share it. There's a fucking thing that happens. Make sure you share this and do all that stuff. Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff. I have a new YouTube show with my friend Riley called Call for a Good Time.

We recall sex hotline workers and fuck with him. It's really fun check it out too wordy Joe what do you got this is Joe Russell I'm the host of the cheese show on YouTube and you know a lot of people don't know what the cheese show is so check this trailer out see wasn't that pretty cool Zach what do you have you follow me on Instagram at Zachary unlimited thank you that wasn't enough. It's like really, find somewhere in the middle, everybody.

What do we got for my friend Brian here? What's going on, Danny? What do you got to promote? What's your website? Where are you going to be? What's happening? No website. You can find me at the mothership in Austin, Texas,

Wednesday through Saturday. And that's it. Wait a minute. I got a couple of specials out on my YouTube channel. Oh, what, there it is. Brian Holtzman, I think it's Brian Holtzman now. Just Brian Holtzman on the YouTube. It's 100% not any one of those. It's what?

It's Cancel Holtzman. Cancel Holtzman, it's 100%. Cancel Holtzman is the first one. Then I put out a Cancel Holtzman number two. Not T.W.O., just Cancel Holtzman two, the number two. And you know, you're gonna watch it and you're not gonna like it, but that's okay. Who gives a shit?

It's only comedy. Oh, I saw a lousy comic, and I have to write about it. Fuck yourself, get a fucking life. How would you know how good somebody is if there is a people that suck at it? You wouldn't know who's good. Stupid, motherfucking, asshole, woke young people. Buddy, I love you so much.

It's fucking hurting my chest right now. I wish we became friends 35 years ago. Oh man, we'd be, fuck yeah. One of us would be dead. Are you lying? Don't lie. I swear to God, I'm not lying. Don't do a Lenny Clark.

I'm not lying. All right, listen, go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. This is live, so I'm in Denver this weekend. ComedyWorks? Yeah. Oh wow, see you're a banger. That's a good club. That's a popular club.

Oh yeah, that's a popular club. Oh, I'm working at ComedyWorks. Hang on a second, I just got back in after eight years, want to settle down a little bit? Why don't you settle down? Denver's premier comedy club. I down a little bit? Guy I got kicked out. Why don't you settle down? Denver's premiere comedy club. I got a kid, okay? I got a kid, he's 11, he needs fucking soccer shoes, okay?

I got a wife, she likes Louis Vuitton. Tell him I wanna work there. I'm not gonna say your name from the second I leave this podcast, will I say it to you, see your fucking face again. Good answer, so you're a comic, you're a fucking comic. I'll never, ask me, anybody ask me, do you know Brian? Who? I'm gonna say that. Anyways. I don't know what I'm doing with this pen. I don't know where it came from. I'm gonna throw this out. I'm gonna sell this. I like this pen. It's wood though.

Alright, check it out. I'm gonna be in Comics Roadhouse on March 8th, no 7th and the 8th and wait a minute, scroll back up, fuck fucking tits. 6th, 7th and 8th I'll be there with Mush and Joe Russell will be there and then listen just go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly that is my website if you want to see me live that's where you go and youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy my special killbox is up there my clips are up there again everything is up there go there you go we're going to patreon.com right now so thank you so much for being a listen to the show you guys the best fans of world see you next time on you know what