Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #577 | Felipe Esparza | Fool

Episode Date: March 9, 2025

This week on YKWD as Felipe Esparza comes on to plug his new Netflix special Raging Fool. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb? This podcast is so fun and crazy! It has no rules! God, help! You're ruining this! Where's the barbana, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does! Is there any better show?

This is the original. Original. What's up everybody? It's Robert Kelly. we're here at the Comedy Cellar Studio above the world famous Comedy Cellar and I am excited to be back doing, you know what dude, the hardest name for anybody to remember. I should have just called it Bobby's Cast or fucking Dude Cast but I didn't. YKWD, you know what dude, but it's gonna be a great episode.

You guys are gonna love it. Danny, who do we got? We have the great Felipe Esparza on the podcast today. Nice! That was pretty good. Yes. He usually fails. What's up fool?

Thank you for getting it right. He did get it right. How you doing man? I'm good man. Yeah, it was a little rough getting in here. They're shooting a movie. It's a bunch of hacks. Well, it's Oscar winner.

What's his name? Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper? Yeah, he's downstairs. What are they playing? He's playing, they're stand-ups. I think they did, see here's the problem. What year?

Yeah, well that's a good question. That's a damn good question. Why, why you ask that? I pick, because I want to know like who, what comedianians are portraying I don't know if it was the 80s. I'm trying to picture in my head the 80s. They're not doing that They're doing he's a comedian. I think they had those older taxis out front. Oh, they did have all the taxes So maybe it is older comedians. I don't know but here's the thing leave us alone. Yeah, it's never a good movie

What movie did they make about stand-ups that was ever good? It's never a good movie. What movie did they make about stand-ups that was ever good? There was one but it bombed what only Mr. Saturday night with Billy Crystal You know what I take it back King of Comedy with De Niro. That was a good one They show how delusional we are how fuck we are Well, I do it. I fucking love you already. I Damn it Joker Right it's stuff and now like you do the first one I love you already. I, God damn it. That's why, when I saw the Joker, when I saw the movie The Joker. Right, it's stuck.

And, like, you took the first one, and then, um, and then he had that horrible set. Yeah. And then he was a hot chick. That's delusional. That's delusional. That's when he started losing his mind. Well, can I just say something? Comedy does get you hot chicks.

Yeah, it does. I know. Yeah, I mean, you're married to a beautiful woman. I mean, I mean you're married to a beautiful woman. I mean, I'm married to a beautiful woman too. You really think if we weren't doing stand up, me and you were at Subway, we'd be jerking each other off. Me and you'd be making love. I heard you were getting chicks before stand up.

I was. Yeah, you were a pretty boy. How did you know? Because I saw this roast, when you're putting videos, they're roasting Patricia O'Neil. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then somebody made a reference about your looks, how you were getting all the babes back in the day.

Back in the day. Yeah. Way back though. Way back. I mean everybody got babes back in the day, right? Then you must have been good looking back in the day. Yeah man. Yeah, I mean look at it.

Where are you from originally? Los Angeles, California. Raised in East Los Angeles, Boyle Heights. But I was born in Yeah, I mean, look at it. Where are you from originally? Los Angeles, California, raised in East Los Angeles, Boyle Heights, but I was born in Mexico. I left when I was four. So you're a full-blooded Mexican dude. Yes. And now? Now I'm a citizen.

I did my citizen shit. All right, dude, I'm not calling anybody. Listen. There's a lot of cops outside. Buddy, I'm not calling anybody, dude. I voted for Trump, but you're all right. Yeah. You're cool, dude, I'm not gonna rat you. Hang on one sec. Real quick. I got one.

Yeah, he's right here. Axan and Ev. Tell him I'm Venezuelan. He's Venezuelan. Take me to Texas, and the governor will give you five Gs. Really? What? Yeah. What? The governor of Texas, three months ago, he said that if you turn in, I don't know if they passed it, but if you turn a Venezuelan gang member, you get five Gs. Is that in Texas or Denver? Texas. Really?

Because I remember I had a bit, I said, you know what man, people what are you doing in this audience? Just grab any random Latinos, just grab those motherfuckers from other states. Yeah dude, grab them. And then I said, yeah but only Texas, yeah man, it'll be like how the South went over there

and got free black slaves and took them back to the South. You know, same thing. Yeah, you can make that joke. I can't because I'm like your wife. You're a cracker? I'm a cracker and I can't make jokes. Look, five Gs, there it is. All right, here's what we do.

Here's what we do, you ready? I'm gonna do this, right? Here's what we do. We take what we do, ready? I'm gonna do this, right, here's what we do. We take you, you lure them into the van. Yo, come on, I got a good job. Hang on, me and your wife get them in, I chloroform, she makes a teardrop tattoo, we put a 13 on the neck,

doesn't matter if they're Venezuelan or not, we turn them in, we make 5G a person. We might as well just get them, might as well just not even go to Texas. Grab the Pakistanis here right here. We'll get Pakistanis? And get them some Raiders jackets and cut their hairs. They're Cholo's.

Yeah. There is a, there is a, you know what's weird too is that they have. Is that a cherry drop? No, it's curry. You have, you have that beard. Yeah that beard that Spanish people have adopted was but it was it was kind of like a Terrorist beard for a minute for a long minute a long man It was like the Isis and the the Taliban had yeah, and then you guys started rocking it and scaring this shit out everybody Yeah, you're like, nah, Mexican.

It's like, all right, well, get a Mexican beard. Now listen. We don't know Mexican beard. We have a Mexican mustache, but I can't grow a mustache at all. You can't. You got a little tiny one. Little tiny one, bro. Yeah.

You can't. You don't got, it doesn't connect. No, not at all. I think my beard have a bald spot right here in the middle. So it's split. Listen, I need to know all this about you, okay? Now you're freaking me out. I have you here.

Don't go down here. I don't know if you have a ball spot and your mustache can't connect. I got you here, dude. You just went down to here with the ball spot on the beard and the mustache can't connect. You understand? Yeah.

I have you here. Let's stay here. So dude, listen, here's the thing. We've never met. We met one time. Like I said, we met once. And I remember it like it's yesterday. You were doing a bit of Laugh Factory,

and you were doing a set, and it was, I walked up to you because I really liked the set, and I said that's cool, you know, because you made a man with your father, I think, recently or something, and you sit on stage, and your father told you, I love you, and that fucked up your whole day. That's a long time ago.

You were living on him not liking me and that would really build your father. It's because my mother, the reason why my mother says I love you all the time. I love you, I love you, I love you too, I love you too, I love you too. My father never said, my stepfather really, my real father I don't really talk to, but my stepfather never said I loved you, except when I graduated high school. He came up after and he was like, son, I love you. And I was like, I love you too.

Yeah, exactly, like my wife. Now this is your wife over here. It's kind of weird to do the podcast with your wife watching us, because I feel like if we're bombing, she's going to let us know. Thank you. She's not giggling, we're fucking bombing.

You know? Bombing hard. How long you been married? Since 2013. 2013. How long you guys known each other? We've been married since 2014. Oh, you fucked up already.

11 years. 11 years. Oh, she's a good person. We got married on this 12, 13, 14. Are you really close? Thinking about this, you know her name. Yeah, what is it? Lisa spelled ESA Lisa. What is it? ESA because then people probably I say, you know, I say ESA. It's ESA. Yeah. And now you guys have kids or anything? No, we tried three times. They all were a board, not a boarder, they were miscarried.

Why would you do that? Why would you keep them? They were miscarried. Oh, miscarried, that's a big, that's a huge, let me just say something, huge difference. Yeah. That's a big, if you're like, I'm pregnant, kill it. But I want them to kill it.

I don't want to have a baby with a white woman. What the fuck? Yeah, with one brown eye, one blue eye. Oh, that's sexy. That's like eye, one blue eye. That's sexy. That's like those cool dogs. Yeah. That's exotic. Buddy, I had a miscarriage too.

We had one and it was hard. It's hard having a baby. Did she have the miscarriage in the house or at the hospital? Yeah, at a restaurant, at Olive Tree. Right when we got the extra breadsticks. Fuck. I think it was the breadsticks, the garlic. No more Ragu.

No, she had it at the, I don't know, here's a funny question, dude, I don't know when she had it. I know she, I think I was doing something, I think it was with Burr and DeRosa, and she called me and she told me, she told me that something happened, and I was like, here's the bad part,

is I told everybody. You know they say don't tell anybody until a couple weeks or three weeks or something. Yeah, months, but I'm such a asshole, I can't keep a secret. She was like, I'm pregnant. She saw, I was like, I have a son. I didn't even know the fucking, what it was. I'm like, it's a son.

And I was name it and all this shit. And then she called me up like a week later, yeah, I had't even know the fucking, what it was. I'm like, it's a son. And I was name it and all this shit. And then she called me up like a week later, yeah, I had a miscarriage. And I was like, what the fuck? She's like, I know, I'm so sad. I go, no, not you. I gotta go back and tell Billy and Joe DeRosa that we're not having it.

I was like, how do I? She's like, you piece of shit. I was like, but she said that that's a normal thing. But it was, dude, I had to go to the jizz doctor. Did you go to the jizz doctor to get your jizz, make sure your jizz was good? I don't remember, did we? No.

So your jizz was just rocking. Yeah, man. Yeah. I had three already, I had three kids already from the previous past. The previous past? Where are those? I don't even know, man.

We don't even know each other. Okay, wait a second. You might be my dad. Yeah. You might be. What are you? Wait a minute. You have three kids? I have three kids and two grandkids.

But you know them, right? I know them. Okay, you know them, but where are they? One of them live in Sweden. Sweden? Yeah. Are you traveling? One of them and two of them live in California.

Okay. But you don't talk to them? I talk to them. Okay. The Sweden one too? That's kind of taxing. Yeah. I'm not talking to them and two of them live in California. Okay. But you don't talk to them? I talk to them.

Okay. The Sweden one too? That's kind of taxing that they live way out there. Well, she moved out there and she married a guy and they had a baby. Okay. So? So they live over there. Alright. That's cool. And that was a long time ago? Just a girlfriend? That was a long time ago. I had those kids when I was in high school. So they're grown now. Wow, you had kids in high school.

Yeah, man. She told me I'm pregnant. And I remember telling her, because I was young and dumb, I said, man, I fucked up. She said that I'm pregnant. I said, no, that you're gonna raise a baby by yourself. Okay.

And she cried and she went home crying. You let her go home? We went to Six Flags, nothing happened. You went to Six Flags? What, you tried to get her to have a miscarriage on a rollercoaster? I read it, but she was like too soon. She was like a month. What, you read it? There was social media back then, man.

I was just going by the neighborhood gangsters. Oh man, you need to take her to Six Flags. She goes. Why? But I was like, she was like, really, you would take a nine month pregnant woman to Six Flags? But she was barely a month. You brought her on all the really?

We didn't go to Six Flags. So the other one, the other lady that you, was that young too? No, that was after I came out of rehab. I met somebody and I got her pregnant. And then she had the baby and I saw that kid, I came out of rehab. I met somebody and I got her pregnant and then she had the baby and I saw that kid, I saw him grow up. I didn't raise him, we didn't live together,

but I saw more of him than the other kids. Right, that's cool. Okay, cool, you went to rehab? Yeah. You still sober? I've been sober since, I haven't drank since 09, alcohol. But I do other stuff like I just smoke a lot of weed and do mushrooms.

I would say yes. Was that LA sober? Yeah, Hollywood sober. Hollywood sober. And I also don't eat meat. You don't eat meat, that's good. No cheese, no milk, no dairy products. Why?

I was on the Dr. Atkins diet. That was before the other one. You can say Dr. Atkins. Atkins, you can say Atkins, yeah I get it. And um, I was doing it with a bunch of comics, losers. Like Gabriel Iglesias. He was on it? Fuck yeah.

Didn't take, didn't take. Bro we were eating, fuck no bro. You shoulda, you shoulda. We were eating cheese bro. Natural cheese coming out of his pee. We were eating just in and out, bro. In and out with wrapped in lettuce. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like four by fours, for like four patties, eight slices of cheese. Yep, that's not good. Yeah, and we were eating those with diet cokes. I didn't like water. He didn't like water. Okay, yeah, water's essential though to life. You know that. So we were three weeks, bro, just burgers, cheese, no water. Really? And I was constip water, he didn't like water. Okay, yeah, water's essential though to life, you know that, right? So we were three weeks, bro, just burgers,

burgers, cheese, no water. Really? And I was constipated, bro. I didn't go to a bathroom, I was like Elvis. I didn't go to a bathroom, he didn't go to a bathroom for two months, me three days, bro. Three days you didn't poop? Fuck no, bro, I was like, I will go to a bathroom and cry.

You cried? Yeah, and then finally, when I went to the bathroom, I blew out my butthole. I'm sorry, excuse me? And I had a hemorrhoid. Hang on one second, what happened? I blew out my butthole, bro. You blew out your butthole?

Yeah, I pushed the limb and blow out. I felt like being sodomized, bro. I didn't know I had a hemorrhoid back then and I didn't want to tell anybody. Like you said, bro, you want to tell your friends. Yeah, you don't want to tell your friends. You didn't know. Hey, bro, your ass bleeding.

So I finally got the courage and I told her, I think I have something wrong with me. I'm going to have colon cancer now or something. Because you're bleeding. Because I'm bleeding. Bleeding on your asshole. Because I've been shooting sideways. Sideways. And I stopped eating after that. I was scared. To eat. So I didn't want Bleeding on your asshole. I've been shooting sideways. Sideways?

And I stopped eating after that. I was scared. To eat? So I didn't want to go to the bathroom no more because it hurt. It hurt because you had blood. So I just stopped eating meat and I just stopped drinking water and I went to the bathroom a week later and I took the blackest shit ever. It felt like I shitted a whole piece of liver because I remember I touched it with a stick.

You see what it was? You went outside, you went outside and got a stick? No, I was in a movie. We were working in a movie. So you were in a movie outside. I had a Popsicle. I was taking a shit, you had a Popsicle. I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up. Yeah.

Hang on one second. So you took the Popsicle stick. After I ate it. After you ate the Popsicle, not the shit, the Popsicle. No, the Popsicle stick. You ate the Popsicle and you had the stick. Yeah, and I went to go touch it. And then you took a shit and you went to touch it.

Did you shit outside? No, one of those little trailers. Yeah, yeah. Tiny little trailers when you and you went to touch it. Did you shit outside? No one of little of trailers Yeah, yeah, the tiny little trailer when you're doing a movie So you so why did you stick with? I haven't pooped in a while and I wanted to see what a color it was this time And it was good. It was black as hell bro. Like man like black is Tyson No blacker than that bro. Like like like Michael Blackson's No blacker than that bro like blacker than that black like Michael Blackson's

Nutsack bro black the nutsack. Yeah, like I mean that's the death pumpin nickel black. Yeah, but I dark purple That's African. Yeah, man. Tutsi tribe black. Yeah. Okay, I get you the Congo shit the Congo So it was a black bro, like give me back my sesame cake It was black bro, and then I touched it, it felt like liver, and I waited, took a picture. You took a picture? And I took a Google. You Googled it? And it said that my body was cleansing itself.

That was all the toxins that came out, all the bad shit. All the blood. Yeah. All the blood was in your poop. So then you were done with meat. I was done with meat after that, fuck this. No more meat, no more, I was already stop eating cheese, so I said no more and after that I was done.

Yeah. And my wife was raised vegan, but when she met me, she started eating chicken. You eat chicken. So you guys eat chicken? I know, but that was before. Oh, you don't eat chicken now? Not anymore.

No meat. No meat at all? Dude, I think- I don't want to die, you don't eat chicken now? Not anymore. No meat. No meat at all? Dude, I think- I don't wanna die, man. You're not gonna die. But I wanna get, I remember the pain, man, and I wanna go back. Can I tell you what your problem was?

The water. You gotta drink, listen to me. Any, I'm gonna just say this. I'm not, I'm not, you know, genius, but the one thing you need, if me and you are on a plane crash, the one thing we need to survive is water. You can survive a long time without food, but you can only survive a certain amount of time.

The water you need, you need to drink a lot of water, and that makes your poop come out. I feel like your dad right now. But poop, listen to me, son. Poop, the water goes in your body, and then it helps to hydrate you, poop come out. I feel like your dad right now. But poop, listen to me son, the water goes in your body and then it helps to hydrate you and then your poop comes out easier.

The problem wasn't that you're eating all the hamburgers, I mean that's a problem, four hamburgers in a row with cheese, problem. Especially when you sit next to Fluffy and you guys are hammering these back, right? But you need the water. The water will help you. You can eat some meat, right? But you need the water. The water will help you. You can eat some meat, chicken, but you need water.

So you only eat vegetables and potatoes and rice. I eat all the Impossible Meat, Beyond Meat, everything that's vegan. You can't eat that. Yeah, man. Are you a vegan? She was raised vegan. She was vegan when vegan was horrible, bro.

But you eat chicken now? No, nothing. I thought you said you ate chicken for a minute. That was back in the day. But you did but it's done. Before we turned vegan in 2012 yeah. But you like it? Yeah. You like it? I love it. You love it? She makes great vegan food. She does but it must be hard on the road you can't take vegan with you. I didn't talk about That's what bean burritos. Oh, yeah Burger King has an impossible. Yeah, this is all terrible food. This is terrible. I like it. So I'm already used to it and When I shared it comes out like oh like foster freeze bro Like a friend like the ice cream a Dairy. But what color is it? It's still black? I don't know. I don't even look at it no more

because I don't care. You don't have to because you know it comes out. Yeah, so that was smooth. And the hemorrhoids gone? Hemorrhoids still around bro. It never left. It's like a side bitch. It just shows up. It flares up when I eat. When I fucking do mushrooms sometimes I guess. The mushrooms flare up. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not a doctor just like you brought me I'm just throwing it out there right so oh like that I wish no it's not that it comes out that if you threw it on the wall you throw your shit on the wall like of that you threw that against the wall that's where my shit comes out like a big one big explosion so if you smush it down a little bit not that green ah, it's like that if you put a

firework in it, that's how, and then you look at the pic, if you get a splatter expert, sure, he'll know that what's going to happen. Like Dexter. Yeah. Like Dexter could be like, come down here. I never watched that show. You never watched Dexter? No. No shit. Let me ask you a question. I don't like watching shows where white people get away with murder all the time. It's not just white people, it's a white guy solving the murders that other people commit. It's not all white people. It's a white guy solving the murders that other people commit. It's not all white people. No, I don't like it. You don't like it?

Why? I feel like I watch a show like that and it really goes, how would it be with a Latino? Now they'll catch him right away. So, no, I don't watch it. So is there any Latino? I don't like that actor, I don't think. The actor?

He came from another show, right? Six Feet Under. Six Feet Under, you're right. Yeah, and I never watched that show either. Why did you watch that show? I watched it a couple of times, but then when the dad showed up, like a ghost, come on. Oh, the dad, yeah. He filmed multiple seasons of that show with cancer.

Yeah, I just can't buy this guy a murderer, bro. He should be a figure skater dancer or something, you know? You know what? You're right, his body. But he did know Jiu Jitsu, that was his thing. I can't see it. He was a serial killer. I like serial killers who look like serial killers, bro. Like that dude in No Country for Old Men

was the most he ever lost in a toy coin toss. Why? Because he looked, man, name his scene. I was in the scene with you. I was being the old white guy at the store. What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss? Why, why? This coin has traveled for 20 years just to get here.

Now you gotta tell me heads or tails. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I'm gonna have to close up. What time you close up? Right around now, around now. Now's not a good time. What time you closed, do you own this place? Yes, I do.

So you married into it? Well, I mean, yeah. You don't know a lot of stuff, do you? I know, sir, I'm gonna have to. Pick it, Heather tells. I don't want to. You have to. Well, I said well, I guess I'll pick heads.

Today's your lucky day. That was good. We should go downstairs and get this movie. Come on, man. Get us in. There is that one, bro, look at that. One of the best bad guys in any movie I like it cuz his hair he looked like the young version of that man that threw balls in Phantasm

Hey Gallagher, I apologize because you said you would compliment his hair And his hair is the worst fucking thing it looks like And his hair is the worst fucking thing. It looks like a... I'm sorry, did I apologize? I like his hair. His hair is fucking terrible. There he is. He looks like him.

Oh shit, man. Fantastic. I'm like, I'm with the ball. Maybe do a real spit take, god damn it. You know when he got that role, he was very nervous. He's a liar, bro. You know, that actor's being lying. You think he's making that up. I think every speech an actor says's a liar, bro. You know, that's actors being liars. You think he's making that up?

Pfft. I think every speech an actor says is a liar, bro. Now let me ask, because you live in LA. Yeah. Why do you say that? Because I've been in movies where I had one part, and it's a little ass part. Who's over there? Who are you looking at?

I don't know why, man. I'm right here. Stay with me. I don't know what I'm talking to. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking to. I'm right here. It's a ghetto thing. I want people to know what I'm saying. It's a Spanish thing. It's an outlet thing. But if I can you hear me yo? Listen you in the room they want everybody in the room to hear. I've been in movies where I have small roles and they're asking me

questions like I was in a whole movie and after a while, and then I tell them, I only have one line, man. Leave me alone, leave me alone. Leave you alone? Leave me alone. Now I know you from last Comic Standing. Yes. Where you popped off and you did it probably the last year that it was kind of big, right?

Yes, the other one, they sent him a telegram to tell him they won. Really? Yeah. Well, because it was a weirdgram to tell him they won. Really? Yeah. Because it was a weird, who hosted it the year you were there? Craig Robinson, Andy Kindler was the judge and Greg Girardo was the judge and so was Latasha Leguero. And you won?

Yeah I won. How crazy was that? It was crazy, I didn't think I was going to make it that far. Because I was telling, I was lucky to be on the show. Why? I was telling because they do a criminal check. Did we do one? One day they put me to the side and said, you know that you have two outstanding warrants,

a bench warrant, and you have one arrest on site. Why? That's what I said, why? It ain't me. And I said, I said, man, I haven't been arrested since I was 20 and 21. It's not that long ago. And the judge said that it was a DA reject.

It was not enough evidence, so they let it go. Are you sure? Because there's like two more. Then I started thinking about it, because you know, I was like going like, no, I gotta wait with that, I gotta wait with this, I gotta wait with that. You just gotta think about all your crimes?

Yeah, I wasn't there for that one. Oh, then I finally said, okay, my brother used my name and committed a bunch of crimes. Your brother used your name? What's your brother's name? His name is Angel. He stole my identity. Why would he use that name? It's a cool crime name. Yeah, but he already used up that name right away by the time he was 22. Really? And so in his 30s, he used my name. So my brother committed a bunch of crimes and they're gonna kick me off the show because of his crimes. So I had to prove that wasn't me.

My brother, he's like the Juan identity, the born identity. He's never been on no social media, no address. This guy doesn't know it. No, he has no identity. No ID, never had an ID so he just um no picture of him so his daughter gave me a photo of him that she has of him holding his grandson and I gave that to the prime investigator you ratted your brother out to you know I have to bro and he compared that to the

resting photo oh that's your brother so. So is your brother in jail now for these crimes? President Obama deported that motherfucker, bro. He's gone? Gone, bro. Albonos a la chingada. Felipe. What the fuck, dude? Is your brother not in the country?

No, he's gone, bro. He lives in a home in Rosarito Beach. So, because of you? Because of committing more crimes and three strikes. They finally caught up to him. But was your ratting him out to get on the TV show, part of the three strikes? No, because he went on to commit more crimes and he went to prison, got out, and then...

Gone. Gone, bro. Right, but you stopped crime. Yeah. When? That time when they arrested me when I was young. That's it, 20. In my 20s, yeah.

How old are you now? Like 50. You're 50, I'm 54. 55? I'm, no, that's me, I'm 54. How old are you? 55. So you lied's me. I'm 54. How old are you? 55. So you lied.

Yeah. You just lied to my face. So you're still committing crimes. Yeah. So you're still that guy. It still lives in you. Thank God you have this beautiful white woman here to keep you on the straight and narrow. I mean, what the fuck?

You just lied right to my face. Yeah. What did I tell other part kids? I'm 48. Well, on Wikipedia, I'm 48. You're 55 tell other podcast? I'm 48, well, on Wikipedia I'm 48. You're 55, but they didn't believe you. You said, okay, I'm 48. But he believed me, because he's 50. I'm 55, I'm 54.

54. You're my age. You're one year older than me. Yeah, you're 469? 70. Yeah, 54, I mean, you wanna do the math? You're 55 now. I'm 54, I will be 55. Okay, then I'm not 55 then. What are you 60? Where were you born?

Really you're 57. You're not even 55. I don't know. I'm not From my birth certificate. I didn't even say that Yeah, you're born in 55. I'm not. But my birth certificate doesn't even say that. You're born in 68. That's 56. Wow, I didn't know that. When I did my US citizenship, they gave me a whole different name. So I thought that they gave me a whole different age.

What's your name? Oh, man, they added my full name, Felipe de Jesus. No, they already know my birth certificate, my identity. No, I don't want you to steal. Nobody's going to fill out your full name, Felipe De Jesus, they already know my birth date, they know my identity. No, I don't want you to steal. Nobody's gonna fill out your full name, trust me. I always kill the fake names, I always throw in different names in the days because I always feel like somebody's gonna take my identity,

like my brother or my cousin now, you know. Because your brother will come back. Open up a bank account. So you have a long name, how many names do you have? My name is Felipe De Jesus Esparza Cerna. Oh, one more time. Felipe de Jesus. De Jesusa. Esparza. Esparza. Serna. Serna. Felipe es de Jesus. De Jesus. Esparza de la soñosa. No Esparza Serna. Esparza. I'm doing Duolingo dude. You want to talk Spanish? Let's do it. Do you speak Spanish? No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa.

No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa.

No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa.

No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. No, espasa. My dad did not what funny come on that would tell me how do you say that in English? Motherfucker how you say that in Spanish right? He didn't know either so he didn't know so you don't speak Spanish that much I'm good, man. I've been Nah, I'm fun Phonetically phonetically so you can read it. Yeah, right now. Do you speak Spanish? You do I speak Spanish, but do. I speak Spanish, but I can speak to the everybody that's on a bicycle, bro.

Delivering food, bicycle, bicycle, bicycle. Yeah. And I'm Greece. But when I'm on CNN, this piece of CNN in Spanish, I'm lost, bro. CNN, it's anybody who's educated. All right. Like from when I went to a master's degree and educated and they're speaking to me I Got time to slow the fuck down. I've been watching Baywatch in Spanish Hey watch they watch in Spanish Show sucks

Not in Spanish Is it muy bien in Spanish. It's based in Miami. Well, no, because I went to Cuba with Ari and we went down. Where do you fly out of? Miami. What airline? Southwest? American. I don't know what's in Miami. Yeah, American. You fly right out. I don't know where in Cuba. Huh? It actually take they take 20% of your money when you get there. No, they take nothing Flying you go there in support of the Cuban people hundred dollar Visa right at the gate and they fill it a couple forms ahead of time. It's easy fly into Cuba

Get off the plane you go through security which is a pain in the ass because you know Get off the plane, you go through security, which is a pain in the ass, because there's fucking a million people going through two lanes, and nobody gives a shit, and they just cut you, keep you cool together, and then get through, had a guy pick us up at the airport, we rented a casa for the week, and they picked us up at the airport,

drove us right to the casa, dropped our bags, walked around for seven days, we spent, I think, seven days in Cuba. During the election, we went during the election because we don't want to know who won. We don't want to deal with any of that shit, so we just went there knowing that they wouldn't really give a damn.

Were there drugs over there? Dude, Cuba's, I'm sure there was, but you can't fuck around there. You'll go away for 10 years. Anything you do, you get caught. Even prostitution. Prostitution used to be a thing down there, but they found out that they were making so much money

without the government getting their money, they made it illegal. So if you get caught, 10 years. You go to jail, that's it. Drugs, you get, that's why it's kind of safe. Because if you get caught robbing somebody, you go right to fucking jail. There's no both.

Did they cut your hands off? No, no, no, no, why would they, what is it, 1800s? No, they have, you know, you just go to jail. It's a little safe, but it is, you know, it's kind of frightening a little bit, because everybody needs money, it's a poor country. But when I went there, they had a hurricane, and the power went out damn electricity is gone

the water was gone and I had you know we had to go get food and stuff But I'm just some stupid American that knows with a Boston accent Okay, so Kso Pan I'm just looking shit up I'm just looking shit up. You're in cheesecake.

I ordered bread and cheese. And then I went to a place with meat. And I was like, Hamo? They were like, huh? Ham? It was ham? They were like, whatever, you fucking idiot. So I'm like, I'm going to learn Spanish over there. Wow, that's amazing.

You went to Cuba. I know that Eric Andre, he went to Cuba, too. Yeah. So he went amazing you went to Cuba. I know that Eric Andre, he went to Cuba too. Yeah. So he went to a restaurant that's in a house with somebody. Yeah, a lot of the places are like that. And those are government owned too? The government gets a piece, everything.

So when you go there, you wanna go, we can't stay in hotels as an American because of the sanctions and your credit cards, nothing works. Your phone, nothing works. It's dead. So you gotta internet, WhatsApp app, and then you gotta do cash.

So you gotta bring cash, you gotta exchange it with people there, which is illegal too. You're supposed to do it with the bank, but you gotta be careful, you exchange the money. And then, so I think it's, you know, 50 bucks is 300 fucking pesos, right? And then you try to go to those places where the people are. So, you know, like if you go to a hotel,

that's government owned. All the hotels are government owned. So every other country can stay there except for us. And like we couldn't even order food. We went there one day and got coffee and they were like, it's credit card, we're not taking cash. And we had American cash, they're like, look, we can't, we're not supposed to take this shit,

we'll get in trouble. But then of course we took it because we gave him a 20. That's like $7,000 million to him. So yeah, we bought everything on the street, went to, it was pretty cool, man, it was cool, but it was wild not knowing the language. For me. Did they know Joe Diaz over there? Joey Diaz?

Well, Joey Diaz was like, you gotta go see my uncle. He told Ari, you gotta go check out my uncle. And we were supposed to go see some of his aunt. I thought he lived in Burbank, Coxsucker. Yeah, Coxsucker, you gotta go see my aunt or whatever. Somebody, but we didn't, we were gonna go see some of his aunt. I thought he lived in Burbank, cocksucker. Yeah, cocksucker, you go see my aunt or whatever. Somebody, but we didn't, the heart, we were gonna go out to where they were. I guess it was outside the city and the country a little bit,

but the hurricane came and they shut it. I mean, dude, we were walking around on the beach and this dude looked like you would like, you know the fake, when you go to like a, another third world country, the general that looks like a superhero general, which is like fucking hell. That guy's on the beach and he goes,

blah, blah, blah, starts screaming. And this guy walks in, what are you doing on the beach? You're not supposed to be on the beach, you gotta go. And he kindly told us, get the fuck out of here before we have to take you out of here. Because nobody's supposed to be on the street. Illegal, illegal to be on the beach. When? During the hurricane be on the street. Illegal, illegal to be on the beach. When, during the hurricane?

During the hurricane. They really, they go in and they have that mandatory evacuation to all, they grab people, let's go. Put them in a truck and take them to a safe place. It's not like I can't leave here, man. I gotta protect my dog. No, dude. Protect my beast.

No, you gotta go. Not like America. I gotta protect my baseball cards, man. Yeah, no, no, you gotta go you gotta get your shit They give you a minute they don't follow you can get your shit But they're like, let's go get in the fucking old school van and get the fuck out of they evacuated everybody But yeah, it was pretty well. We were stuck in the house for like two days. I don't want to go now Beautiful you'd love it. I'm telling you dude. The best beach I've ever been to is

In Cuba we went to I forget what it's Santa Domingo Maria and Oh my god, it was me and him in the ocean No, no bullshit. It was just the beach the way it was back in the day really Yeah, no Marriott and the fucking fat lady and her dumb kids and you know what I mean? There's no lady from the Midwest No. Asking for chicken nuggets and quesadillas. No, no, no, none of that shit.

None of them. It was just the beach. The beach. Okay, I'm going now. It's beautiful. And the food's all right. It was all right. It wasn't that people say the food sucks.

It was not. It was all right. There was some good places. You know what I mean? Coffee was there. Oh, they say, Senora, tenes algo vegano aqui, por favor. Si.

Like if I ask them, do you have anything vegan? You see. We have, uh, beano. They'll probably tell me, yeah, rice, bananas. Beano, uh, what's rice? Arroz. Arrosa. Arrosa? Arroz. Arroz.

And beans is morenos, or morenos? Yeah. Morenos. You call it Miami? Si. No, they don't, they don't call that in Miami. Arrows and roses more NOS or more NOS. Yeah Maranos See no, they don't they don't call that in all that me. I know they don't panic when you guys start I just go see they call them They call them more in on or before calling negros. I Can't I don't think they say that's a bitch well, it sounds racist. Whatever. You just said look it up, bro, Mr. Suarez How do you say beans and fucking Cuba? They talk faster

That's fast, bro Fuck that was this human speak in handwriting, bro. It's so hard to understand They speak in handwriting. What the fuck's that mean? Well, the words are fucking together. Yeah, he is bro. It's so hard to understand. They speak in handwriting. What the fuck's that mean? And all the words are fucking together, bro. Too close. He is correct, that's how you say it. What do you say?

I'm not gonna say it. Say it. I'm not gonna say it. Morenos, right? Say it. Yep, that's it. Morenos. Morenos or Frijoles Negros?

Who? In Cuba. Morenos or Frijoles Negros? Frijoles Negros. Avichuelas, what they say here. Avichuela is what I, what Avichuela, it might be a Dominican. In New York.

Yeah. In 1972, I had some Avichuelas. Ha ha, dude, we do have Puerto, we don't, we have Puerto Ricans and Dominicans, and now some Mexicans. Yeah. L.A. was always Mexicans. Yeah.

Yeah. Cause she was living here back in the day, she said she didn't see no Mexicans or burritos. No Mexicans. LA was always Mexicans. Yeah. Yeah. Cause she was living here back in the day. She said she didn't see no Mexicans or burritos. No Mexicans back in the day. All, huh? No, it was Spanish food. It was like, you know, rice with peas and shit. Caribbean food, right?

Hmm, is it Caribbean? No, Caribbean food's something different. Yeah. Caribbean food's like, Cuban food? No, it wasn't that Cuban. It was that Spanish word, marino. Yeah, man. Translation. There you go. Thanks, mate. Thanks for halving it. No, it wasn't a cubit was that Spanish word money Marino. Yeah translation

There you go. Thanks mate. Thanks for having it Dark brown brown or dusky it can describe someone skin color such as being a dark skin Yeah, that's what she described you to her mom when she met you. What does he look like? He's Marino What that's now you say that because when I was dating a Guatemalan girl, and she was that white. Yeah, and Guatemalan? Yeah, and her mom said that. Really?

She said, you still that dark motherfucker, right? In Spanish? Yeah. And I thought she was cheating on me. Right. And I thought, and I pulled up to her, I was all quiet, mad all day. Then I finally looked over at her, your mom asked you if your day in a black guy like

You like seeing another black guy when I'm gone or? No, she might she made you right and I said shut the fuck up that fucking bitch think I'm dark That's oh, yeah Black but I'm what the fuck man This race lady I said, oh yeah, my balls are black. But I was, what the fuck, man? This racist lady. So let me ask you a question. I'm more offended that the Latina lady who's white said that than a white person would have said it.

Here we are, I thought we were together, bitch. So let me ask you a question. You do the last Comic Standing, now you got a Netflix special coming out. What's the Netflix special called? Raging Fool, my wife and I, she directed it, Lisa directed it, and we produced it ourselves with our own money, and our managers set up a meeting

and they sold it to Netflix. That's great. For two year lease, and then we get it back. So you directed it, were you a director? You just did it? Oh no shit. She produced all four specials. I love that.

So you. She runs my business bro. My wife runs my business. Yeah I just know how to tell jokes bro and get in trouble and she know how to put shit together. Yeah my wife, I mean my wife doesn't do anything when she's doing it but the thing is, my wife, she runs my business.

She takes care of it. She books everything, she takes care of me, makes sure everything's right, she does all the money. I mean, I go out and tell jokes and hand her a check. Then she puts a plate of food in front of me and tells me to take a nap. I don't even know how much I make sometimes in a week. I never get the check, I just hand it over.

I don't look at it. If she dies, I'll be homeless in three days. Buddy, I don't know any of the passwords for anything that she does. I don't even know what bank we're at. She has me Wow Yeah, I don't know shit. You know, I don't know either. I don't know anything I mean she I know that she keeps me healthy because she wants me to keep going as a machine. Yeah gives her money You know what I mean, but I don't know anything like if something happens, it's a rap

That's for you silly because I went on the pitbull of comedy when I don't know if it's Slayton slayton you were a guy why was doing everything? Yeah, you wear a condom. Yeah, you prefer a joke He used to say was this I don't understand He goes all these Mexicans, you know, they come over here. They're cleaning houses. They're doing all this and that you go to Mexico It's dirty as fuck You keep you're sitting everybody wants to clean to America. Keep some here. That's a good joke. I like jokes that make sense. It does make sense. What the fuck's going on? I like Mexico, dude. I've been to a couple places. Rosalita, right?

Rosalita, is that? You don't even know? Rosarita. Oh, Rosarita by the beach. That's where my brother lives. You should stay out of here. Here's why you didn't know what it was. I didn't even say it right.

I was trying to assimilate. I was like, Rosalita? And you're like, what? Your white wife was like, Rosarita. I've been to Juana. You dumb fucking Italian. I apologize. You're Italian?

What the fuck's that mean? Just Kelly, you know. Oh, Robert Kelly, yeah, Robert Patrick Kelly. I see where you're going. That's true. My mom fucked up. It was supposed to be Anthony Kelly, Anthony Patrick Kelly,

but my mom was the Irish one, and my father was a Sicilian Italian, and he went to Vietnam. My mom named me and really tried to make me this fucking dirty Mick from Boston, like her side of the family, which I love. God bless, love you, Mom. But it would've been better if, you know what I mean,

if I could've been Anthony or Tony Kelly, would've been way better, because then you'd know. That's why I named my, yeah, Bob Robert Patrick Yeah. That's why Bobby, I named my Bob Robert Patrick Kelly. That's my name officer bro. Like about to beat somebody up. This fucking the name has police brutality written all over it. Officer Kelly. They used to be Officer Kelly in my neighborhood. It was Keller Kelly and Shepherd. And they were at the worst. Well, there were the cops that used to fuck people up. Like they would show up in the neighborhood, Kelly and Shepherd, and all the drugs,

they would just run home. Right. Would you grow up in the hood? Yeah. What hood? I grew up in the housing projects, Pico Gardens, which is a big housing projects in Boyle Heights, all Mexicans, blacks, Vietnamese.

Wow. That's crazy, man. You made it out of there. Yeah man. Yeah? You ever go back? Fuck no. Bro, my mom passed away, right, recently?

Why didn't you? My mom passed away recently. You don't go back to help the kids? Oh, I donate, I donate. To what, drugs? To Father Greg Boyle. Father Greg Boyle? Yeah, he's the priest that I grew up with. He used

to take care of me and take me on field trips. Oh, that sounds weird. And showed me a different life, you know. Okay, so it was good stuff. It was the eight of us. It was a bunch of us, so I was safe. He would take us to cruising to West Hollywood. Cruising? Let's not say that. Let's just say a ride. No, cruising is a different thing. I don't know if you know the gay lifestyle. Cruising's a bad thing. I'm we with um Al Pacino cruisers. Yeah Al Pacino. Oh, yeah, bro that I'm gonna throw up. Yeah People are those gloves like Jake big Jake. Yeah. Okay. All right. Listen, what was we're on a happy story about father? Oh Malahy father. Oh, great. Oh boy'Boyle. Greg O'Boyle took you cruising.

Yeah man, Father Greg O'Boyle, he took me to cruising and he was showing, when I got somebody pregnant, I needed a job, he got me a random job with his sister working at a hotel. Yeah? And I was 19 years old. I quit after a week, bro. Why?

Fuck that job, it was too far. And I remember his sister telling me, she put me to the corner when I was quitting, and she said, you know, Felipe, I'm going to tell you something. Life is not over at 19, you know. And I said, yeah, but I got this bus, so I leave right now in seven minutes. I'm playing a little Ted Talk lady, and I left and never went back to that job, so I leave right now in seven minutes. Pretty little Ted Talk lady, and I left,

and never went back to that job, but I quit. I was like a night house man. I was supposed to come in at nighttime when all the housekeeping left, and I was supposed to like, oh, we need the room ready. I would go there and make the blankets and get it all ready. Never did it. All I did, bro, was I would spend all day cleaning

all the banquet halls and I would eat all the shrimp that was melting on that ice. Dude, is that a shrimp? Fuck yeah bro. Why was it a shrimp? Cause they had like a big meeting an hour and a half ago and they had this big ice sculpture with a bunch of fucking fish and crab on it. And I would just lock all the doors and turn on the vacuum cleaner so he could hear it.

And I would just sit there bro, pretend I'm rich bro, eating all that fucking shrimp, dipping it in, where everybody put their fingers in. Oh, you did that? Yeah bro, I'm watching the big screen television, watching cartoons. And I did that for a whole week, and then I just said, you know, it's not for me.

Sounds like a great job. I loved it. I was eating a lot of fucking shrimp. So every day they had shrimp? Every day there was something left, like sandwiches, I was eating them. Whatever food they had left, I was eating. That's great. And you quit?

I quit. Why'd you quit? I don't know. I was a loser, brother. I quit that job, then my dad got me a job working at some produce factory from midnight to 11.30 in the morning. I quit that job after payday, man.

I never had a job before standup, long enough to get health insurance. Why is that? Because I would never last that long. I would get fired or never show up again. Have you ever not showed up for a gig? Never. Isn't that weird?

Not even coked out on five days, even coked out on five day banjo awake for five days, I still showed up. Five days you're awake? That's not healthy. Yeah, but I still made it to the gig though. I got the 100 bucks. I got to 100 bucks. You got to 100 bucks to buy more Coke.

What'd you get hamburgers? No, I told her. Maybe the cost of patient was a bunch of things. Yeah. It might've not just been not water and a hamburger. It might've been Coke. And Xanax. How long, oh Jesus Christ.

Thank God you came into his life. Were you around when he was doing all this stuff? He fell off the wagon two times. Yeah, I fell off the Were you around when he was doing all this stuff? Yeah, I fell off the wagon two times when I was with her I mean one time mom She picked me up, bro And I was like I was like Ben Affleck crying a little bitch in the back of the car like eating a fucking Jack Burger King hamburger or and then um she said That I looked over at the window and I went like this and I made a heart and I misspelled Xanax. She thought I was going to write her name or something but I wrote Xanax with a Z.

You have to put that in a movie. That's fantastic. Oh that guy! That guy was partying with that night when I took to Xanax for five days straight. Jose Suarez. He said that... Get him a water, please. He wants to come to my show. His fucking mouth, he's so high, his mouth is dry.

I'm getting thirsty watching his mouth. It's like the opposite of hot ones, it's thirst ones. Yeah, I mean, he's dying, here you go. Give him that one. Throw that one over there. Joe, can you take that one? Thanks, there you go, brother. Are you stoned right now?

No. No? I was with Ian. Ian Edwards. And then there was a Chubby. No, Ian, finance. There was a finance? For dance. And there was a Chubby kid there who looked like Bobby Hill.

This fat guy was his name. I know he's Brendan Sagalow. You didn't even need to say it. Once you said fat guy with Ian, I knew it was Brendan Sagalow. He had two joints that he put together and I took one here and that was it. Yeah, was it good? No. It wasn't good?

It was good, but not what I'm used to. Did you travel with weed and mushrooms? No because I look like somebody that has weed and mushrooms. So you put on her because she looks like somebody that would travel with like beanie babies. Yeah. Or hummels. I mean that's a compliment you look like a, pure white chick. Hey, only one beanie baby here, bro. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A collector's item, too. So you got this special out. You and your wife put it together.

I love to hear that. And I love that Netflix bought it, too, because look, they usually in-house. Yes. They usually want to have their own little thing that they do, so for them to buy it, it must have been good. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, the last special I did was a Netflix special in-house. Yeah. And they paid me and I said, how about if I do two? So I did one in Spanish. And I translated the whole English special into Spanish. Wow. As best as I could, but some of the words didn't translate too well because of the double entendres.

They didn't work in Spanish, so I had to write new material in Spanish just for the Spanish special. So you have a Spanish special. Yeah. And you have an American special. Yes. Same special. Same special. Just a little different.

Yeah. Which one did better? They were in the same, see that? That's what really pissed me off, man. That's what really pissed me off. I thought it was going to be like bad decisions on one thumbnail, right? And then the second one, mala decisiones, which should have been the second thumbnail. But they didn't do, they did me wrong, bro. They put the translate this in English and then when you, the thumbnail and then when you click on it, it says episode two is a Spanish one. So if you don't, you got

to really look for, search for it in Spanish. It's a series. Yeah. They shot, they put it on like a series instead of putting it as two specials. So it's like episode one is the English episode two of the Spanish So you don't even know what the fuck people are weirded out by it. Yeah, they don't understand what it is They thought it was two different things. Yeah, it's hard to find Well, that sucks, but do you have a lot of Spanish fit? Do you have to go and perform? Can you go to other country you go to America go and do a show or do you do Spanish shows for Spanish people? I was practicing my Spanish in Los Angeles and all the like all over California But I run into a problem when I would do a word that's not a real Spanish word

Because I'm Mexican Americans in Los Angeles, East LA especially and New Mexico and Texas We have a language that only we could understand and I found out the hard way when I and New Mexico and Texas we have a language that only we could understand and I found out the hard way when I went to Mexico and those words that naturally at all they don't know what the hell I was talking about right now when you said Hamel that's a common thing that white people do that oh after every Hummel is that it right there at all after every when you say ham oh ham you say Hamel that's like a white thing that people do they had an old after every when you say ham. Oh ham you say ham. Oh, that's like a white thing that people do They had an O after every Spanish word like your son. Oh, it's not doing his homework. Oh, yeah, right Cuz that's so Mexican so we are a yes

We are a yes on a hand English word. Oh, so a sprite becomes a sprite. That's right. Yeah Pepsi is Pepsi, right? But there's words like breaks. And we call it break us. But that's not a fucking Spanish word at all. It's not the right word is friend or friend, which I fucking didn't know. You know, my dad will say break us all the time. Okay, fix my break us. So I went to so I had to go to Tijuana, Mexico, and I met some Tijuana comedians, this guy named Joel, and he helped me translate the jokes into the Spanish, the right Spanish. And I started practicing more, going to Tijuana,

going to TJ every fucking week, every other week. And I would have a bunch of comics go up local comics and they wanna yeah they will do Spanish and then we'll close it out with trying to do for 35 minutes in Spanish at first then I build it to one hour to a comfortable then I finally I headline at the comedy store in Spanish Netflix said no to it they like it so then I went back to Mexico changing more words then I went to this Mexican bar in Sylmar California and then Netflix people showed up and I destroyed and they said

pussy we like called your pussy pussy your pussy it's like but yeah oh but yeah oh I'm sorry you speak in Spanish yeah's like, but yeah. Oh, but yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You speak in Spanish. Yeah. Pussy. Pussy means, but yeah, okay. I thought they were like, you're a pussy. But you could talk to a lot of people, Pussy, como estas? You go like this, what?

I said, Pussy, como estas? That means, but how are you? But how are you, Pussy, como estas? Now, when he was going to Tijuana, you stayed home. Because you were terrified. I was, dude, come on, listen to me. I went to Tijuana. It's one of the most terrifying fucking places in the world. I wasn't scared the first time.

Because you look like everybody who owns a bar there. Yeah. Of course you're not terrified. And you're Mexican. I was scared the first time. Yeah. Where I went to. Goldilocks over there. Yeah.

It looks like she's got fucking $50 bills in her back pocket. Oh, don't leave her alone, man back pocket. Don't leave her alone man. Don't leave her alone. Why? Because they know it will be like an international incident bro. Oh really? Yeah. No shit.

Because it's a white lady and she has blonde and blue eyes so you can start a war over that. You can't. Just look for any excuse bro. So if you want to go to Mexico you just got to bring a white lady with blue eyes. Yeah bro. Also man when we're not living outside, we're not in our neighborhood and there's a noise outside I just sent her outside cuz they're gonna show a white woman boy

You get you get a you get the death penalty in California, right? But you shoot me, bro You'd be off in tan. So well you actually get you. Yeah, you probably on the news. Yeah, right and Plus you get $5,000 if they shoot you. Yeah. Right? Just put a teardrop on your eye and fuck it, bring it to Mexico. Pussy.

Pussy. Ha ha ha ha. I think that's great though, man. Being able to do a special. Now this special's in English. English, yes. Right, you didn't do them both. Now why don't you do them both just to have it?

I don't know. Wouldn't that that too hard Yeah, too hard right okay? Well. That's when they fucking did you wrong last time so yeah who cares you know you but that's still good That they're still they're still fucking with you. Yeah, cuz Netflix only doesn't fuck with everybody no. That's a good thing and Did you see are you friends with? George Lopez just yes George Lopez George Lopez actually are you friends with George Lopez? Just kidding. Yes, George Lopez. George Lopez, actually. Are you mad that he took your look?

Oh, come on. I mean, I'm a little fucking mad. I mean, he took your thing, dude. Your thing is your hair, your look. He took my kidney, too. Did he take your kidney? He invited me to the Dodgers World Series against the Houston Astros really Houston. I was doing a Some gig bro, um with Finesse Mitchell, bro

Some military gig in Syracuse an army base and he goes hey you want to watch the World Series Fuck. Yeah, so I had to rearrange my flight and I came to Houston and he took me to the World Series To see the Dodgers. It was like 15 innings man. Yeah Pretty wild we were like I could fist bump Kershaw. What was taking that bro? Oh my god. I mean you guys dude Yeah, I mean it's bigger. There's longer now and he's Katie. I mean he's going I mean his hair is longer now And he's got his fingernails painted. I mean, it's big now. His hair is longer now. And he's, I mean, he's going, I mean, his hair is longer now and he's got his fingernails painted. I mean, what's up? What's going on?

I don't know, man. Burt Crusher, he paints his toes too, man. Yeah, he paints his toes. It's that daddy thing, right? Well, no. I do it too when I go on vacation. My wife makes me do it because I have dead toenails and she'll throw up if she looks at my feet.

Oh, because I had dead toenails too, bro. Yeah, it's a guy thing. My shit was all fucked up, bro. Like, I would rip sheets. I'll. Yeah, it's a guy my shit was awful. So bro, like I will rip sheets I'll tell my wife my toes look like broken candies. Yeah, mine. Mine look broken lollipops. I look like corn chips Yeah, mine too. And I had a little a I ain't grown toenail bro. Who those are the worst? Yeah, but now man, I went to I have a good I went to a foot doctor and she she fucking took all the Oh, they took the toenail off this shit my toenail off and right now man

I could walk like a ballerina with no pain. So you have no toenail though, right? That's you have a toenail. She went bro. My toenail was right here I had a right here rotten and she fucking numbed it put a tight rubber band and she got scissors and she cut the side of the toenail and took it off blood and Puss the side of the toenail and took it off blood and pus. The real pus. Pus. Not pus. Pus is a different thing.

Pus, pus. Pus, pus. Pus, pus. Pus, pus. Pus, pus it is. So, I fucking. Some pus has pus. You don't want that pus.

I never been around that one. That pus is bad. Yeah, my toenail fell off. My big, ah. See, my toenail fell off. My big toenail fell off. My big toenail fell off. My big toenail fell off. My big toenail fell, that post is bad. I, yeah, my toenail fell off. My big, ah!

See, mine was not like that, but it was getting. Your big one was. No, what you got, liar? I mean, can I just be honest? In history, you've been the liar. Yeah, my toenail was like. She's been telling the truth. My toenail was like, well, I never let it get like that

because I would get a file and just like, fuck it, like file it off. But I remember when I had an ingrown toenail and I didn't have medical insurance and I found one of those tricks on Instagram and this guy said to put your toe inside of a hot water and then get like a dental floss. And I will put the dental floss deep inside of my toenail

and it will hurt so much, but I will keep doing it, keep doing it, until I scrape skin off to get my toenail ready to do a show. That is not what you should have done. But now I'm good to go, baby. Okay, it's gone. I could be a punner, bro. You're good, it's all good, thank God.

I mean, how gross was that? Going on vacation with him? No. Dude, my toenail was so disgusting, she would paint it black every time we went somewhere, like in the summertime, or went to like Aruba, she would make me, like I was some goth chick, and I would have to paint my toenails

and look like a fucking asshole. Wow, you're the guy from the lead singer Judith Priest. Well, yeah, he's gay. But listen, you could have picked somebody else. Maybe Metallica. Anyways, no, it's cool, man. I see how you look at me now. But, what a creepy laugh that was.

Well, that, dude, I look it, I think it's fantastic that you and your wife are doing this. I wish my wife had a talent and could actually put a special together and direct. Maybe you guys could hook up and you could give her some fucking tips on how to take my career to the next level. How's that?

My next special is going to be on fucking Tubi. Directed by Michael Suarez and fucking Danny Braff. A magician and a Mexican from San Antonio. So yeah. Riverwalk. He look like Mitty Hara. I mean he's a Mitty Hara.

Oh the Michael? Or Danny? Michael. Michael yeah, not Danny. Michael Suarez. Danny looks like nobody you know. Who's Danny? Michael. Michael, yeah, not Danny. Michael Suarez. Danny looks like nobody you know. Who's the Danny? The tall one that has big eyebrows.

The one that looks like somebody's controlling him with a hand. I didn't see him. Oh, what's up, man? Oh, that's right. They were yelling at you on the way up the stairs. They were yelling at me? At him. Oh, yes, they're yelling at him all the time. Do you wish to meet the other?

That shit's good, huh? So let me ask you a question. So your special's coming out now? Is it out now? It's been out for a week. It's out for a week. How's it doing? Good?

Did they give you anything? Three weeks. It's been out for three weeks. I don't know, man. I'm going to tell you, you got to stop using the mushrooms. Listen, dude, I've been sober 38 years, hey, you don't know what the fuck's going on bro. I mean look at that.

Look it, you put gel in your hair for this, didn't you? Yeah man, I got the curls going bro. You put the curls, I mean you got beautiful hair bro. Look at me, I'm looking like Salma Hayek. I mean you really do, but not now, you look like her now. Not back with that fucking Tarantino movie she did when she was a vampire. She looks good now, man.

She looks good now, but not as good as back then. We're about the same age. She's, what, she's 60? Damn, okay, we're not the same. I'm her little brother. You got the special out, you're killing it, you're in LA, you tour in the country, you tour, you got your wife, your manager, right?

I mean, dude, this is tight. This is what I like to see, dude. I like someone who popped off that success and a lot of those people that goes, it kind of falls off and they go away. But you kept it going, dude. That means you're the real one. You're one of the motherfuckers.

And I'm glad you got to come on and hang out with me. And I hope to see you, maybe when I come to LA, maybe we'll hang out. You smoke cigars? No. All right, well, whenever. Blunts. No, well, maybe you smoke a blunt, I smoke a cigar.

And then we'll get a hamburger with no bun. Hell yeah. You can have the bun and I'll have the hamburger. How's that? Thousand Islands. Yeah, you can have the fucking, I mean, we got nothing in common. We're probably never gonna hang out.

I mean, you smoke weed, I'm, I mean we got nothing in common. We're probably never gonna hang out. I mean you smoke weed I'm sober. You don't smoke cigars. You don't smoke, and then you don't eat meat. I eat meat. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna hang out? You play chess? I can learn. I know how to play chess. Everybody I've taught how to play chess has beat me afterwards, so. Same with me. How about this? I've been doing my Duolingo, we get together, you teach me Spanish. For sure, bro. How's that?

I can teach you Dutch, too. You know Dutch? I've been learning how to speak Dutch, and I learned how to speak German in high school. Get out of town, you speak German? It's especially Dutch, links are good. I mean, I speak German very little. You speak German and you learn how to speak Dutch?

I know how to count in German, I ain't by the right things, you will not know it then. We're in have a cow in German I invite the rise. Thanks even up I don't learn a Jewish. Oh, I know that's seeing about listen chill it guy I was a place to call me sir you really thought was an Asian guy No, why cuz I wanna on that roast they're making fun of the owner that books this place And it's not like an Asian boy was it not this week. We have that's a girl oh, and she's Israeli oh This week we have Thumb Papa. That's a girl and she's Israeli. This week we have Thumb Papa and Bill Budd.

And no discounts. Yeah. No, that's close. But no, she's not Asian, she's Israeli. And then nobody wants to hear you speaking, Mike, Mike, hi, especially with the shit that's going on now. You know what I mean? It's very sensitive.

I'm not gonna tell you. They're getting deported too? No, no, no. They're putting them in trucks? No, well, they got put in trucks. But yeah, it's a little different. Little different. Yeah, some stuff happened in Israel a couple,

like a year ago. Oh, that's right, that's right. Like back in the day. Not back in the day. It was very, very basic. With AeroFat and shit. Nope, right? A couple of like last year. The PLO. Remember the PLO? October 7th of 2023. October 6th? Was it October 6th? It was the 7th. Don't ever correct me you Mexican.

The Sabbath? No offense. Oh, the Sabbath? It was the 7th. He was thinking in January 6th. It was the 7th. It was the seventh. It was the seventh October. It was the seventh of October and January 6th. He was confused. Yeah, let the Jew talk about the Jews and let the Mexican talk about the Mexican stuff.

Mush, do you have anything to say to our friend here? Hey. Wow, that was uncomfortable. Hey. Cheech and Chong, good or bad, funny? Funny, bro. Okay, okay. I do too.

You know what? I don't know about now, but funny back then. Back then, dude, I was like, I don't think they hold up. I was like, and I watched them this weekend. I was like, I don't think it holds up. You want to see them live? No, they're fucking nuts. I thought you saw them live

because Cheech said they wore the mustache when they went live. No, because he had a hair lip, which was weird for everybody. The thing is that's right. Yeah, he's a hair lip Nobody likes a hair lip. Fuck. No, but I watched it again this weekend funny shit up in smoke up in smoke. Fuck Yeah, man My favorite part is them when that girl does all that blow off that plate and they're getting arrested and she tells that cop leave her alone She's been she's been through a lot in a very short amount of time Like I like when they were smoking the joint in the car and he goes yo man, you know, what was in that? Oh fuck man. He's just panicking. He's like, you know, man, you just did the most ass that I've ever seen anybody do in

my life, man. Oh, fuck man. That was the best. And then he just woke up in the middle of the island. Yeah. And he goes, they're deporting those people now, man. They need a free ride back to Mexico, man. They're going to a wedding.

All right. Well, check out his special right now. It's on Netflix raging fool And you got what's your website? Philippians world calm and also have a podcast called. What's up fool podcast and History for fools with myself and Bush Escobar from the bay. Okay, so you got two podcasts Yeah, check out his podcast. Are you on PunchUp.live yet? No. You gotta get on that.

Oh, it's the new, I mean it's- PunchUp.live? PunchUp.live, it's a place where now you go and then the people who go there and watch your stuff, right, you got your old, put it up there, people go there, you get their email, and then it has an app and it lets you know where all your fans are, boy, girl, age.

You get all the analytics instead of YouTube, instead of Instagram. So it all goes to you and you can send out emails. You can see this is it right here, this is my Punch Up Live. You can send out emails on the app to where you're going. So if you got 500 people in San Antonio, bang, I'm coming. You can put content up there too.

Put anything you want. they don't there's no There's no what am I looking for? No, there's no they don't censor anything as long as it's funny like YouTube will censor all your shit all your videos all your stuff They'll they'll hide you from people this you send your fans there. Anything you want to put up there, you can put up there. It's fantastic. I'll hook you up with the guy. I'll send it to you. And Danny's, great guy.

So I'm going to be, where am I this week, guys? This comes out next week. Seattle, Washington, March 14th. It's too big. It's too big. March, there you go. I mean, that's too small. Now you're just fucking making me sick.

14th, 15th, I'll be in Seattle, then I'm going to Niagara Falls, me and Jay. So today, I gotta talk about that later. Jay's people put out, me and Jay, Big Jay Okerson, we're co-headlining a gig in Niagara Falls at a casino. His team put out today a photo of him, huge, Big Jay Okerson. and little fat took a fat photo of me from a couple years ago little fat photo of me It says featuring Robert Kelly What a fun what a hunk of shit

His people yeah to stick So I had Danny make a photo of me, sexy me, with my glasses, and then the fattest photo of Big J he could find, and I didn't call him a feature, I called him a middler. Which is worse. Co-featuring. Co-featuring. Make sure you check it out, not going to be, of course,

I'm doing the Calta Cruise in April, Nashville. There's a big show coming up April 9th in Nashville. That's Calta, Mike Calta, right? Yeah, you love Mike? He's a good guy. He's the best, isn't he? He's my friend. You remind me of him if he was Spanish. Like a sweet guy, you know what I mean?

And make sure you check out, guys, what do you have? Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff. I mean, just terrible, Danny. Yeah, this is Joe Russell. Check out the Cheese Show on YouTube, type in the Cheese Show. First thing that comes up, guys. That's what I put up today. Do you have what he put up? No.

Okay, what do you got, Mush? Follow me at Mike V. Suarez. Check him out. What else? No, Zach? Piece of shit. Piece of shit. Piece of shit. And alright, so make sure you check out these guys and all that stuff. And we're going to go to Patreon.com right now.

Your questions that you asked him, I'm going to be asking him right now. So if you want to be part of the Patreon, go to Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and become a member of the podcast. You're supporting the show and I get to pay these autistic kids to do stuff. And then if not, YouTube YouTube all the other stuff like comment subscribe do all that stuff don't be a jerk-off and jerk-off yeah are you just repeating what I'm saying no like this this movie I saw when I was a kid what jerky boys yeah jerky boy yeah Off. Yeah. Is he like this all the time?

You must love being around him. How fucking, no, she said sometime. All right, we're going to the Patreon right now to ask you questions. Thank you so much. You've been the best fans in the world. We'll see you next week on You Know What, Dude.