Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #579 | Greg Stone & Anthony DeVito

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

This week on YKWD Greg Stone & Anthony DeVito come on to read Greg's script, and talk about his childhood improv trauma. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Take advantage of Ridge’s once-a-year anniversary sale and get up to 40% off right now by going to https://www.ridge.com/DUDE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb? Damn it, man. This podcast is so fun and crazy and has no rules. God, help me, I'm ruining this. Where's the barbana, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does.

Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. What's up, everybody? My name's Robert Kelly, and I am the host of You Know What, Dude, You Know What, Dude, YKWD, one of the longest running podcasts on the East Coast ever. And we're above the Comedy Cellar, world famous at the Comedy Cellar studios where I've been for a long time and I'm excited for this show because this show is feel is going to be silly. It's going to be funny. And we have two of my favorite guests. Sorry. Danny, who do we got? We have two of my favorite guests on. Yep. Sorry.

Danny, who do we got? We have Greg Stone and Anthony DeVito. Do you know Anthony? I heard of him. Good guy. I've heard of him. We've exchanged a couple emails. Really?

Yeah. About what? I mean, his podcast posture is abhorrent. At least he's... I mean... At least he's abhorrent. At least he's, I mean, abhorrent. Vertical. I might have. On our podcast, he is fully horizontal.

I feel like he's sick. Yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to give you something. Why are you turning into Dustin Hoffman now? Look, Bobby, as an actor, what should I do? You want me to sit down? It feels very unnatural. You do you. Hey, Anthony, face that way.

Why, you feel it? Face that way, towards the wall in TV. You're giving me the room to breathe up here, Bobby. Breathe. I wouldn't face towards us either. Why would you? Why would you have your body face this way and your head face that way?

Have them go two different directions. Be you. That's what I say. And I'll tell you, if you want peak Anthony, what we really gonna do is get him a bowl of cereal. Because no one can eat a bowl of cereal on a podcast like Anthony. What does that mean?

He just eats on every podcast, no matter what we tell him to do. No. And he lays down. I don't really, I've never. Do you trust me? Do I trust you? Do you't really, I've never. Do you trust me? Do I trust you? Do you trust me?

I trust you. Do you trust me 100%? Yes. Do you trust me? Yes, I'm choosing to. Drink my pee. Take a sip of my piss. Take a sip.

That's not pee. Thank you, how was it? It's gringy. Yeah, you don't know that's not pee. I knew that. If you trust me, if I tried that with you, you wouldn't have done it. I'd have done it. If I tried that with you, you wouldn't have done it. I'd have done it.

Take my piss. First of all, he would have done it for anybody. A homeless guy walks up to him and he'll go, I trust you, brother. It'd be funny if he just pours it on his face. I'd like to get his powers. I will say that first sniff I was a little suspect. It's orangey in a way that's... It's not pee?

Yeah, it's not pee. I respect both of you for taking a sip of my piss. I wouldn't imagine... I have diabetes, that's why I taste orangey. Oh, that's what... Yeah. How you guys doing, man? I'm doing pretty good.

All right, well thank you for joining me. That was the episode. No, listen, I haven't had you guys on. I remember I had you guys on before... Before you blew up. What? before the big stuff you just call me fat before you got fat oh wow that's not the last time we had Anthony on it was the greatest episode we've ever done and the most

least watched episode I don't understand that why is that it was very very funny yes but we talked about fucking dogs for the entire episode that was with Justin Justin silver the dog fucker that was was great. What's his name? That's not it. He's not a dog fucker So if you're watching this and we're not talking about Bobby, please take that down. I don't fuck my dog Living I Make my living through gay videos that people don't know about and dog walking If you found a video of him doing gay stuff.

With a dog or with a guy? No, just guys. Just guys. Yeah. Sure, great. Good, finally. I would say his man has been angling for this for the past decade.

Really? I would be so happy for him. You. Oh, me? Yes, you. Oh, yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll hear this. been angling for this for the past decade. Really? I would be so happy for him. You? Oh me? Yes you. Oh yeah you guys go ahead. I'll hear this. So what he's saying, what he's saying is, what I'm saying is this. Yeah. If he found you doing gay sex, gay for pay is what they call it, right? And he found you doing gay for pay, he would not be surprised. He'd be happy for you. Yeah, because I'd be finally making some money.

That too, yeah. Am I finally being taken care of? No, we're not saying you're making a lot of money for gay for pay. A good amount of money. Better be getting better than spot pay. Do you think you'd make a lot of money? Now, if all three of us are gonna do gay for pay,

who's making the most? Anthony. What? What, Fet most? Anthony. What? What, Fetish? Yes. Fetish? Jim Croce fans. People who've been trying to fuck Jim Croce

their whole life can finally. That is being in the Gay for Pay community. They're giant Croce heads over there. You wanna fuck Jim Croce, but don't wanna dig up his bones. Extra money, I'll sing one of the songs while you do it. Yeah, of course it yeah right I never thought of it like that probably right we're like maybe you're like oh I like a terrorist kind of role play I want to I want to shoot bin Laden then fuck the

dead body I wanna that's an Anthony fantasy I like you team sex I want to fuck the ugliest version of Ben Affleck there is. I mean, wow. Holy shit, the lost recordings. Yeah, there you go. Oh yeah, look at that mustache. He looks exactly like you. Yeah, I never knew that. I never knew who he was until that happened when I was in an airport and I was taking a flight

and I was sitting there and this guy straight walked up to me and he goes, you look a lot like Jim Croce and walked away. And then he paid to suck him off in the bathroom. And that's how you started your career. And that's how I went to college. For gay, for pay. Say it.

Gay. Gay for pay. For pay. You said it right. Gay for gay and I pay. I'm gay to be gay. Gay for gay. I'm gay for gay's sake.

Are you gay for gay's sake? I'm gay for gay's sake. I'm not gay for me. I would think you would be first. To what? To, if out of any one of us, you'd make the most money. Yeah, because I know how to fucking maneuver and I'll do anything. What does that mean?

What does that mean? Yeah, what do you mean maneuver? What is maneuver? Well, I guess what it means is like, who would get to the finish line first? Obviously the guy running towards the finish line. I'm the guy running towards the finish line here I think you guys are just sauntering over you know what I mean? You mean in the actual act of the lovemaking or It's not lovemaking. It's gay

Gay for gay. I think I would make the most I don't know. I mean when you say maneuvering That's what I mean what I mean like actual when you're fucking or like Maneuvering in terms of yeah, what are you getting in the room? Right? Getting him naked? I'm offering more services than you guys like what what do you know that? What are you offering that's more than me and my man Anthony super may call you Anthony absolutely Tony I prefer it Anthony. What are you gonna offer me more than us super deep cut Lord of the Ring characters like Yeah, I mean with a little game yeah, Kim B. Gimbly I'm doing give me his cousin and meanest erath Bringing the wall down

Kimbley's cousin at meanest erath meanest The fall of meanest here the great battle in the Lord of the Rings. There was a battle at Minas Tirith. Minas Tirith, yes. And you're playing Mimby's cousin. Gimbley's cousin. Gimbley's cousin. Gimbley's cousin.

The good dwarf. God damn it. You know what? Why do I doubt you? Huh? Why do I doubt you? Well, the character is not very well known. There's Gimbley.

I'd play his cousin. Who's his cousin again? I don't know who that is, but I would play... Give us a little... Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel- Fel I'd play his cousin. Yeah, who's his cousin again? I don't know who that is, but I would play... Give us a little... Feldor. Yeah, give us a little cousin. Feldor, Feldor. Give him his cousin.

Yeah, give us a little bit. Young lad, hey! Young lad, no, he's got a deeper... Okay, so I'm the guy. Yes. No, you're the guy, you're the guy. Oh, you're paying, hey, what's up? Hey, what's going on?

Minas Tirith is falling. Okay. But I'm going down. Well, oh, wow. Then I proceed to suck your dick. I have a hefty price. How much? I don't know, probably 30 bucks.

30 bucks, listen, as your manager, which I am now, because I brought this whole thing up, when this does happen, I get 10%, I need you to raise your money up. See, 30 bucks is just for that add-on. See, for me, it's all of the add-ons. I'm adding so many things on. What else do you have, Eric?

Yeah, what are your tears? You walk out the door. What are your tears? There are so many tears, you know? Give me a tear. How am I showing up? Am I showing up in an outfit, like an Adidas tracksuit? Okay, uh-huh.

Right, 10 bucks off the gate, right? 10 bucks for that. 10 bucks, show up in an Adidas tracksuit. Are you bringing, do they know ahead of time what you're bringing, or are you coming with a briefcase, like a sketch group? I give them a checklist. Bringing today now do they know ahead of time what you're bringing or you're coming with a briefcase like You know like a sketch group. I give them a checklist. Oh, you're right. I have a do I have a trunk like an old milk right carrot. Yeah I got a bunch of shit in there and I wear that shit

I go go look in the bag whatever you want me to wear, you know I'll wear a well you can pay them of Liberty statue I make a suggestion as your manager Why don't you come up with a piece of paper with a list so they don't have to look through it. They can just pick off like a menu. Because I lose so much stuff on the ride over. What?

You know? Because I'm like so, you know, I'm like, I don't know where I put my Obi-Wan Kenobi scenic. So they can be like, yeah, Obi-Wan, you're like, it's not in there. Yeah. So you got to make sure, here, that's what I got. Plus, I hate to be dirty, but so much cum gets on everything that I'm constantly throwing stuff out.

I'm glad you hate to be dirty. I hate to be it because if you didn't that would have been grosser I think you could have been grosser with it. Yeah cum gets on all of it. Why does it come get all of it? Well, it's not it. This is that I'm having so much gay for pay sex gay for pay that eventually gay Gay gay for gay for gay for pay. Yeah gay for yeah gay for pay gay for pay now Have you ever done gay for pay like I for pay. Yeah, gay for pay. Gay for pay. Now have you ever done gay for pay? Like, I know you're going to for money, but have you ever done stuff before? Gay stuff or pay stuff? Gay for pay.

For pay. I've never been gay for pay because I've been with my wife. Boo hoo hoo. Can't wait till she dies. Jesus, gay. Then the gay prostitute backs in. I'm like. Jesus, gay. Then the gay prostitute back to you. See you in two weeks, boys.

Right, who would pay? Who would pay? I don't know, I feel like you have the mustache, you have the burly-ness. Yeah. I feel like that's an archetype within that community. I feel like you have a couple people, a couple genres that would pay for you.

What's our genres? A couple, you know, like they like the butch part, they like the... I'm a butch. Yeah, you can, not when you talk you're not. Or if you don't talk, like, you know, hey, what's up? The grunt? Yeah, hey.

No, no. Yeah. Hey, look me in the eye, keep eye contact. Hey, what's up? Nothing much. How you doing? more. Look me in the eye. Keep eye contact. Hey, what's up? Nothing much. How you doing? I could be doing better, I guess. Yeah?

Well, you're gonna be doing a lot better if you treat me right. All right, well, what do you want me to do? You know, I mean. You got a milk crate full of stuff? I got so many costumes. Really? You got a Zorro costume?

Just the eye piece. You don't have the hat with the tangly things? I lost it. Really? Yeah. Can you come in a Z formation? Now we're talking, Michael. This is now we're talking.

Come in a Z. You have kids. Why are we here? No. Why are we? Call us both. This one, did you have an idea? What?

I don't know if that wasn't the right one. We're here to read Bobby's screenplay. Oh right. That's what I thought we were doing here. I'm so happy. Live reading. Yes. Get the scripts out.

It's gonna take three hours. Listen to me, can you do all the other parts that instead of me, me and Greg are gonna do me and Greg. Can you do everybody else? Of course, I'd be happy to. I can't wait to play Genie, the mailbox who couldn't. I do have our movie, Karate Man wrote. Oh, yeah, we could do that Let's do it. You want to read karate man? How long is it never seen? It's about 45 minutes

Can we do a some of it? Yeah, we'll just skip around. What if he said no karate man is an all-or-nothing Bobby. Absolutely not And we could just go to we get bored my guy give me some let me air drop it to you Ten it's a Senate him. It'll print it out who? jokes Daddy via what via your phone? Fucking 90 I'm very tired. I haven't slept yet. I haven't slept either. I have kids you have two kids I have two kids. Oh my god, Danny You need to say that again. Okay. Just give

me your phone. Give me your phone. Take his phone. I can't grab that right now. Because he's clicking on all these things. What could he possibly be clicking on over there? You stop recording whatever and can him his phone. You fucking shallow cunt. I don't even know what that means. So this is a movie I wrote called. I just slashed out, what's your movie called? Karate Man. Why? Because I was taking Jiu Jitsu classes. That's not karate.

Yeah, but you know what, who cares? I mean the guys who do Jiu Jitsu do. Yeah. And the guys who do karate do. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's an art. You know what I mean?

It's an art, yeah. Yeah, so I was taking Jiu Jitsu and this guy kept beating me up. And so I was trying to write a karate kid movie but about a karate man who learns the life lessons. But he's an art. Yeah. Yeah. So I was taking jujitsu and this guy kept beating me up And so I was trying to write a karate kid movie But about a karate man who learns the life lessons, but he's a man but of jujitsu But of karate karate is see it's like people hate this Jujitsu is a form of karate. No the same way a monkey a gorilla is a kaipa monkey No, and all these those are the things People will just say they aren't but they are those those things. They're not, they're not.

He didn't get it from Bobby, so he looked to me. What about you? Fighting style. The Karate Man. Here we go. Alright, here we go. We're gonna read it. Alright, who's K? K is a man, but I think they think it says a woman, but it's a man. Okay. Who's, are you, who's cool? But you and who we cast us I don't remember. I wrote this thing very high like six months ago. I mean, it's not that well

You didn't say years ago. You said six months ago. I mean what the fuck Greg? I'm Greg. Are you Greg? Go down to Greg. Where's Greg? Greg, where's your Greg? I have a wife who's a bitch. So who's Kay? I can play the bitch wife Okay, you can be Kay is my teacher. Okay. Okay, Okay, great. Okay. I'm Chloe and you'll be Chloe Yeah, okay. Go ahead ready. Go ahead. I'm Kay. I do stage directions. I'm Danny can you do stage directions? He's got too many things to click Anybody do stage or no, I'll do stage direction. All right, good. It's my movie. Whatever you remember it. Yeah, I rent now The dojo is dimly lit sweat glistening on the mats Greg 42 overweight and clearly out of his element

Struggles to keep up with the group of lean athletic women K 70 a wiry imposing figure from severe expression watches from the sidelines Faster Greg you move like a sloth strangling the tortoise Your expression watches from the sidelines. Faster, Greg! You move like a sloth strangling the tortoise! One of the women, Chloe, a muscular blonde, easily sweeps Greg's leg. He glans hard, groaning. You're about as graceful as a hippopotamus in a tutu. Greg approaches to get up, wincing.

Kay approaches, her eyes narrowed. Get up, you gelatinous mass! Do you want to be eaten alive by the next opponent? Greg scrambles to his feet and his face flushed. I'm trying. Trying isn't enough, Greg! Trying gets you trampled under the feet of reality. Now, do it again, but faster, and with slightly less falling oh this should

be known flailing sorry yeah Chloe smirks clearly amused by Greg's struggles Greg attempts the move again but his efforts are clumsy and pathetic resulting in another fall this is worse to a root canal? I believe there may be something worse. Kay demonstrates the move with lightning fast precision. Her movements fluid and powerful, Greg watches mouth agape. Again! Greg defeated by, but determined, attempts the move once more. It's still not elegant,

but there's a slight improvement and a hint of a smile plays on Kay's lips Slightly less like a drowning walrus now. Let's try something more challenging All right. Wow, well you got to get to the court. I'll say this What you say the table has been set I'm all in I don't yeah I remember none of this is very high how I love that it's Greg Greg Greg this is you you you you you fucking pothead I'm writing a fucking one-man show what part you could just go to the end just go anywhere go to the may get I get to the court scene I court says his wife is a bitch. Oh, there's Zyaria.

It's like diarrhea with a Z. Go back, go back, go back, go back. Judge Miller, this judge scene is pretty intense. Right here, go ahead, read it. Greg, 42, sweating profusely in a slightly too tight suit, sits opposite Judge Miller. A stern woman with a perpetually unimpressed expression, Zairea, Greg's ex-wife, sits across from him, radiating on a dangerous composure, a platinum blonde bombshell in a power suit, a hulking man in a dark suit sits silently behind her. Mr. Henderson, you allege your ex-wife

is unfit to care for the children. Elaborate. Well, Your Honor, she's involved in some unsavory activities. Unsavory? That's rich coming from a man who can't even manage his own blood sugar. Oh right, Greg has struggling with diabetes.

That's an insult she threw at him. Oh, he skipped scenes, so yeah. This is a biography. Go ahead. The man. The man behind Zairea suddenly shifts a barely perceptible gleam in his eye. Mr. Hennison, please be specific. She owes a large sum of money to some people, very dangerous people. Oh, those people?

They're just enthusiastic investors. Very supportive of my entrepreneurial ventures. Why are we all mysterious, sleuth people? Why are we all reading it like we're, Mr. Henderson, I'm gonna change my character. Mr. Henderson, do you have any concrete evidence to support these allegations? No, your honor, but I... Oh, maybe I'll be a little more sassy. No, your honor, but I

just know it's true. They're dangerous. They could hurt the kids. Greg gestures wildly, knocking over a pen holder. The man behind Zyria subtly adjusts his tie. He looks less than am muse. I need more than unsustained age and claims. Mitch handles in. This court is a done. The judge bangs his gavel. Greg looks defeated. Zyaria rises, a triumphant smirk playing on her lips. It's the second time something is played on someone's lips I've never heard before the history of my life as an expression pretty sure this is like 65 pages I listen to one more what's the end let's go to the end

go to the end of the fight scene where's the fight let's who's Vinnie so there's a a set. I'm pretty sure what it is. This is awesome. I don't know about your patreon. Can you raise the money to make this? Yes, we need to make this. Who's Vinny and Saul? Also, I think Kay becomes a woman at the end. So there's a bunch of mob people who are trying to kill my kids. Okay, because Zairea's got a gambling problem. Okay, whoa, whoa. Can we put the full script on the patreon? Go go go. K is a he's the guy who beats me up in karate class but he's really trying to teach me

lessons. Okay so where do you want us to go? I don't know. The end? I know just as much as you do about this script. I was somewhere else. Go to the end. The dojo is dimly lit, the air thick with sweat and scent of old mats. Several students a mix of ages and skill levels are practicing various grappling techniques. Greg, noticeably thinner and more confident, stands on the edge of the mat watching. Ready to show them what you've learned, potato. He doesn't know how to insult. hands on the edge of the mat watching. Ready to show them what you've learned, potato? He doesn't know how to insult, I even forgot. Kay, her, she became a woman, I forgot,

her expression a mix of amusement and pride. Just as towards the mat, Greg takes a deep breath. Let's do this. He steps onto the mat, a young muscular woman. Anna approaches, a smirk playing on her lips. She's clearly expecting an easy win. Let's see what you got, old man.

42. Anna attempts a swift takedown, but Greg, surprisingly agile, anticipates the move and counters using a technique that Kay had taught him. He manages to sweep Anna to the ground, surprising both her and the other students. I believe this is called a surprise. Greg maintains control using half guard to keep Anna pinned. He doesn't go for the submission but holds a solid defense position demonstrating control and technique. Okay. That's it Greg! Control the narrative! Don't let the barefoot faced Amazon dictate the pace of the battle. The barefoot, beetroot face. Oh sorry, I can't read from here.

What'd I say, barefoot? Don't let that barefoot, fucking, don't let that cunt faced Amazon fucking brown bitch dedicate the pace of the battle. Greg is just beating up a woman. Anna struggles to escape her initial confidence replaced with frustration. Other students watch to astonishment. Okay, okay, you got me. You're surprisingly good.

Greg releases the hold, extending a hand. Help her up. You mean a lot of fucking, a lot of narrative. It's a lot of imposition. I mean, you can, you don't, can I say something? Yes, whatever you want. You're not mean. You can just go from, eliminate all the stuff on me just say this stuff ready go again

Anna don't think I've ever seen a script like this where it's not just dialogue just say the dialogue so much forget all this other shit good say your line again Anna okay okay okay you got me you're surprisingly good thanks I had a great teacher he still a potato, but less easily squashed one. Fade out. There you go. That's way better. Okay, we'll just read the lines. Let's do the lines. Ready? Greg's house. All right. Almost ready for harvest. Well, I think you have to read, you have to at least say where we are. Oh, I was going to say. Sunlight streams onto a slimmer, some vegetable garden. He's wearing a simple t-shirt. Far cry from frumpy attire. He hums to himself, occasionally wiping sweat from his brow.

I have a lot. You just had... Almost ready for harvest. Kay? Don't look at me like that. I'm on a mission for good quality tomatoes. You and your missions. Thought you'd be busy plotting the overthrow of some small Eastern European country.

K is a spy, I forgot. Oh what? Yeah, K is also a spy in Japan. Overthrowing governments is last century. Besides, my retirement plan involves copious amounts of organic produce and watching daytime TV. I've become a con... what? Connoisseur. A connoisseur of daytime soap operas. The melodrama is quite impressive,

really. Chewing thoughtfully... what? Chewing thoughtfully excellent. Though fully... that's a word? I don't know, it's very hard. Chewing though fully excellent, that's one word. Chewing thoughtfully excellent. You're officially a better gardener than you are a Jiu Jitsu practitioner. Hey, I'm still working on the whole not getting choked out by a 70 year old woman thing. Small victories.

Come on in, I made tea. Excellent, I have three sugars. One with a little bit of poison for good measure. Just kidding, mostly. Where's the end? I don't know. I mean what the... C-23 is the unexpected twist.

Wait a minute, you wrote unexpected twist? Why would you write that? You're supposed to just have it. Yeah, I don't know man. You wrote unexpected twist This is incredible. I mean Kay looks at Greg flickering. Look at this case. It's down her ticket You can't tell the actors to do everything you have to let Play their mouth, right? Yeah, you... decisive click. What if there's no click?

Scroll down. She leans in. Scroll up. No one was supposed to ever read this. Scroll the other way. She leans forward, her voice dropping to conspiratorial whisper. Dude, you gotta let her do that. Kate grins.

A procedure is glint in her eye. See, she has to have a grin and a glint and a deep breath Also, it's 49 pages this script is actually 15 pages This is a three minute short we could have done with this hours ago. Kay winks, Greg stares at her. You don't need to fuck him like that! A mix of horror and dark and music on his face! You can't fucking... He chuckles nervously, slightly hysterically sound.

You can't do that. She smiles, chilling, oddly. You can't... Comfortable smile. You can't give them all this direction. So all the ju-jitsu training, it was just a side hustle? Wait. It ends on a this direction. So all the jujitsu training it was just a side hustle. Wait. It ends on a stage direction. That was awesome. Wow. That's not over. No. Don't, Bobby, don't forget about the ending scene.

Wait, K chuckles, K chuckles a dry throaty sound. Greg laughs genuinely hard. It's a genuine hearty laughter. Alright, Greg looks at Kay. A hint of gratitude in his eyes. How do you... Kay winks, Greg grins, shaking his head. Wow, you really making them do whatever you want, right? This is... they both laugh. The sound echoing... How would the brothers do this? I mean this is nuts, dude. This is nuts. Go to the last page, just scroll all the way down. Just read the words. Is that it right there? Okay, scroll up a little. Is it just us? Alright, here we go. Ready? Are you, are you my dear Greg, and you my dear Greg, surprisingly resilient for a man who once choked on a glass of water. They both laughed.

The same decade was in the quiet evening. A young boy runs past. How are we supposed to laugh? I never thought I'd see this day me happy with a former KGB assassin as my friend. Don't get used to it, but while it lasts, enjoy it. Though, I do hope you've learned to avoid those headlocks. I have an appointment to keep, you know, assassin type things, though I must admit,

I did enjoy those sparring sessions, especially the ones with Mr. Henderson's cat. And that's it. What the fuck happened? That was awesome. Yeah, I don't know. I don't remember any of this. Wow.

I just knew it was on my phone. I just love, not only do you have all those characters in your head, you have all those directions in your head. Did you write that on your phone? No. That would explain it. If you sat there like this. Yeah, or if you like wrote it falling off a building. So yeah, I got really, really, really

high for this thing. On what? LSD? I don't, I was on a, it was like I hadn't smoked weed in like a year. Yeah. And then I was like, or a while and then I, and it got a little, it got a little, I don't remember any of that at all. Did you, did you? What's the name of it? The Karate Man. It's about Jiu Jitsu. It's about Jiu Jitsu. And a Japanese guy who is also a Russian assassin,

and my bitch of a wife. I guarantee, listen to me, I guarantee this would be, if he could get this made, this would be his thing. Yeah. This weird, stupid movie, The Karate Man about Jiu Jitsu. You should do a live reading here. Cast it, do the whole thing. I would like to get one pass on that thing first.

I don't think so. I honestly too many passes. I think you read all that stage reaction too. Yeah, so fun. you'd have to hire somebody Yeah, maybe get like Morgan Freeman or Gary Goldman. I would say I wasn't thinking Gary. I would say Morgan before you tried to get Gary I think you'd be I think you'd be more easy to get Morgan Freeman with his weird left hand and a glove Now then Gary I was trying who was the guy?

Who's the fly who played the fly? Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum I was trying to say. Oh that'd be good, can you do his impression? Go ahead, you got it. Jeff Goldblum? Yeah. Hey, what are you doing?

I can't get over here with my pants. I like to be with women a lot of times. I'm sorry. How would I say Jeff Goldblum? I'm sorry, I think you just said Jeff Goldblum impression. Go ahead, do it, you got it. Jeff Goldblum. Yeah.

Let me hear him first, you guys talk to each other.blum impression. Go ahead, do it, you got it. Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Let me hear him first. You guys talk to each other. Yeah, the way. Yes, yes, yes. The way, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Are you still handsome? Yeah, sorry.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I just talked to you for a minute. I mean, you lose it quick. I lose it quick. But it was. Yeah. He's a mimicker. I worked on it.

I gotta do it after Anthony does it. You could do it. Anthony, what? Yes, yes. You should get John Marker to do the Jeff Goldblum. He does an mimicker. I gotta do it after Anthony does it. Anthony, what? Get John Marko to do the Jeff Goldblum. He does an incredible one. Yeah, let's get him. Yeah, what do we do? Is he around? What the fuck?

Why do you add nothing? Why do we get Jeff? Why don't we just get Jeff Goldblum? I mean, that's the same fucking thing as getting John fucking and Jumako, the genius. Very good, very good, very good, very good. I mean, God bless him. I don't mean to, I just got mad at you and I'm sorry, John.

Is that his name? John Marko. John, I think it's John. John? John Marko. What is it? John Marko. Is that the gay Wolverine guy?

Yes. It's Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Oh yeah. He's gay Hugh Jackman. If Hugh Jackman could live the life he wanted to live in theater. I think there is a thing between being a theater man and a gay man and it's different. What? You know what I mean? Like I think that you can be so theater that you're gay.

You know? What do you mean? Like you're such a, I think what I am, a song and dance man. You just want to be singing. But you don't sing. I sing sing you sing. I absolutely sing. Does he sing? He sings. Yeah, but can he I'm sorry. Yeah, let me rephrase that Can he sing I will say Greg can it just it's a certain octave like Neil Diamond Greg can do Neil Diamond. He can do the guy from stainedained. Whatever that voice is, like a very low register. Can I get some background music? You need Stained music? I need the karaoke version.

Karaoke Stained, Danny do you got it? I'll pull it up. Okay, we'll pull that up. I can put it on my thing. Karaoke Stained song. Let me put it in my headphones. It's head theme song I hate see there we go karaoke oh is it on that you're gonna pull it up Danny I'm working on it okay we're gonna put a head no put Neil Diamond Neil Diamond what I am I said all right I am I said. Alright, I am I said. Okay. Here we go. I am I cried.

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what we meant. Yeah. That's how theater I am. Well, I don't know if you're a song and dance man as a guy who likes to sing Yeah, I think you're more of a guy who likes to sing. Yeah. Yeah than a song and dance man But a song and dance man's likes to sing and he likes to dance. No, they don't have to be good Well, okay, they do well a song and dance man. Mm-hmm. I would say Frank Sinatra Sammy Davis, Jr I would say Greg I'm more of like a you know how walking yes for walking. He's just like you thought he's like looking at me It's like he just starts doing like a weird like weird dance. He's a dancer. That's what I want to be

He's an actual dance. Yeah. Yeah, he's not a song and dancer. He's a dancer, but I'm sure he could sing Yeah, I think of a song and dance. He's a dancer, but I'm sure he could sing. Yeah. I think of a song and dance man, I think of like a big entertainer. Yeah. That's why I think of Greg as a song and dance man. I get it. Yeah.

You don't have to have a good voice. You just have to put it all out on the street, you know? No. I think... Like your wife threw you out. I think you do. I think a good voice would help being a song and dance man. It would help the song part.

What do you think Anthony? May I call you Anthony? Yeah you can. Thanks. And thank you for asking. You're welcome. Yeah I mean I think I get what you're saying. I guess I'm just more like that guy belongs on the stage

doing his thing. Now we haven't seen. Grand theater. He's saying dance too. He's throwing dance in. I don't know about the dance. Well, I've gained some weight. What?

I've gained some weight and I've slowed down in my older age. But I don't think you can dance. You don't have dance in you. Yeah, I've got dance. You have dance in you? Yeah. You have dance. Uncle Sloppy, no one does a wedding like I do a wedding.

Do you call me Uncle Sloppy? No, I'm Uncle Sloppy when I'm at the wedding. Oh, you're Uncle Sloppy. OK. So you dance like regular wedding people dance. You're not a dancer. Like I'm not a choreographed, you know, I'm not trained through schooling.

I'm trained through the heart and I've trained through what the music tells me. I listen to the music and it says, this is what your arm is gonna do, and my arm will go. So if we were to play any music right now, you can dance to it. I will dance to it.

I don't know what can means. That's, that is, that is. Oh man, that's the karate man coming out. Absolutely. That gave me, that gave me, as Kay, that gave me boots sprinkles. Yeah. Yeah, that gave me, I mean, I'm shivering in my boots.

I'm gonna have to rethink Anna. I don't know this idea, people are like, oh, I'm not a painter, I'm not a painter. You grab a paint brush, you grab some fucking wet wet shit you put it on the goddamn finger a fucking painter That's it. Yeah, that's it music plays your body moves. You're a fucking dancer. Just dance just dance just dance So you can play if I play a song you just dance to it yeah, but in my age I've gotten slower What does that mean? I'm much much more heavy and slow and my moves aren't what they were really but I'm a but I'm a song I'm more of a song with a minor

and dance how about that what is that that's a song can you dance to that but the slow one is gonna be a slow dance dance. Can you dance that? I'll have to grab you and dance with you seductively. Here you go, ready? Ready? Here you go. Yes. Whoa. This man has no bones. Mr. Wiggles, man.

Ready? Yeah. Here we go. One, two. Uh-oh. He's revving up. He's going full pudding. Oh, whatever. Here we go. I don't want to dance anymore. Really? No, because I'm a song man.

Really? I'm a minor in dance. You're a minor in dance. You know, it's like if I ask you to do improv, I'm sure you can do it. What do you mean? Try it? I'm a major in improv. But you go go go go Go give me all right a cat walks into the door. Here. He is. There's a cat. Hey, where the hell you been all day What? Why why we what are you doing? I you know, you mom's worried about your dad I got your food out I cleaned your litter box and now you just roaming around the town like you're you're a dog I'm drugs. You're a drug kind? You're taking catnip again?

Yeah! Why? Because I'm unhappy! What are you getting catnip? Why are you unhappy? Mr. Maurice! What? Don't call me that. You know I don't like that. No, I'm not saying you. I know you're Robbie. Yes.

I'm Mr. Maurice. He's giving me the drugs. Which Maurice? You mean the next door neighbor, the new people? Yes! Oh, I'm sorry about that. He's dangerous and I'm addicted. Why, what'd he do to you? Well, he's giving me the drugs. He's turned me into a monster.

He's not touching you, is he? Sure! What's he doing? He's wiggling in there. Wiggling in where? He's where you're nowhere. Chester, talk to me. I'm trying to open up.

Open up to me. You guys need stage direction. So a plentiful cat walks up in the room and moves his body in a delicate way. And then Mr. Robbie comes down, sits down, sweats a little, winks at cat, and they continue to talk. All right, now listen, it's okay. All you gotta do is not do the catnip when you're here.

Stay here, don't go outside, be a house cat. Alright, that sounds good to me. Okay, now do you want some food? Yes. What about a little snacky poo? I love, you know I love snacky poo. How about fresh tuna out of the can? Ah, that sounds wonderful.

How about a little of this catnip? Hmm. No, I shouldn't. How about a little? Lightning strikes. The room gets dark. A door opens. And who's at the door?

Mr. Maurice. Hi, Mr. Maurice. Welcome. I'm Mr. Maurice. That's him, the bad man, Robbie. I'm Mr. Maurice. That's in the bad man, Robbie. Come here, little cat. Ow, get away from me with your wiggly ways.

This is a musical, go. You're my little cat and I'll do what I want. But I don't, sorry, I jumped, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like I said, you're my cat, I do what I want. I piddle, whiddle, wh whittle, then I diddle your butt. But I don't want you to diddle, whittle my butt. I want to roam free, roam free. Can I, can I, can I?

I must, I must, I must. Wow, you failed. I do fail, I'm not a good improviser. Me and him were improv, dude. I know, you guys were bad. You were doing great. We were killing it, dude. Yeah, I know, you know what it is. I was having fun. I wanted to see what was gonna happen killing it, dude. Yeah, I know. You know what it is.

I was having fun. I wanted to see what was going to happen with Mr. Maurice. OK. Can I do a take two? No. They don't do take two? No, there's no take two. They don't do cut action?

No, there's no cut or action. It was improv, dude. Improv. You don't do a second scene? No, you don't. You keep going. You denied. I don't know how because...

You denied. You go with it. When I was younger, if we would do improv, and my stepfather anytime you would say you did he would strangle you Across the face you did you did it probably? My father made us run improv jills every night before bed improv. Do you improvise improvise? Why because he wanted to grow great actors and great entertainers Your father made you do a stepfather Your stepfather made you do improv drills. Pajama prov we used to call it.

Yes, he'd say come down in your pajamas and we will do your pajama prov. And he would yell, improvise, improvise! And then I'd have to grab a broom or whatever was with me and I would talk with it. Like what? Now I'm your stepfather. Now you're my stepfather. Improvise, Greggy! Mr. refrigerator!

Mr. refrigerator, don't go! I need you! And then he would yell something, he'd hit me upon the floor. I need more food in here, the fat one keeps eating it. Darryl, you must come back! You must come back and don't escape! To the ships you must not go! The where? The ships that take the frigerators across

to the land where they live forever! Like Logolis! Log- no! The Lord of the Rings! Logolis? They didn't have frigerators. They had boxes with ice in them, you dumb fool. It is I, Legolas. I just came here to let you know we did not have refrigerators. We had boxes. Then where have my refrigerators been going? That I don't know. I must return back to the river country. Greg, now go to bed. Work on your improv. Yeah, he would make me stand until my feet bled. And I would say, we must edit the scene. He would say, there is no edits. You stand in that corner.

You bastard as of a child. I didn't, one more false cut and I will divorce your mother. The third beat was just his hand. Anybody watching this, we're doing this at a late night on a Tuesday. There's a lot of silliness going on. Now I heard... Welcome to 5Events. Is somebody behind me? Nobody's behind.

What's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I thought somebody was behind me. Why? I heard a voice. You had food poisoning. Yeah. Anthony, can I call you Anthony?

I would love it if you would. Anthony. Yes, Bobby. You had food poisoning. Yeah. Anthony, can I call you Anthony? I would love it if you would. Anthony. Yes, Bobby. You had food poisoning. I did have food poisoning. When? Last Sunday. Now was it food poisoning or was it the norovirus?

Because I had the norovirus. You did. And I was sick and I was shitting and I was puking. Danny, my producer, he got the norovirus in Naples after the first show on Saturday. Danny, my producer, he got the norovirus in Naples after the first show on Saturday. I come off stage and they go, your friend puked all over the back. Really?

I walk out and I go, he puked all, and she took me outside, she goes, all over here. It were all the staff, smokes and has their breaks. He puked all, I cleaned it all up, but it was here, all over here. I go, where is he now? All of a sudden he walks up from the woods and he's like, hey man.

And then he goes, he's sitting in the chair, I have video of him, he's just sitting there dying. He goes, I think I'm gonna throw up again. I think I'm gonna go lie in the grass. Yeah, you must become one with the earth. I get that, bringing go lie in the grass. Yeah, you must become one with the earth. Yeah. I get that. Bring you back to once we came.

But you shouldn't lie in the grass in a parking lot in Florida, because there's animals that will let you smell a Jew. Gators. A sick Jew. Oh yeah, they've got those iguanas over there. They do not like a sick Jew. No, they don't.

Who does? Listen, here's the deal. You got sick. Was it food poisoning or was it norovirus? How many days? Food poisoning. One day. How do you know?

What did you eat? He was just about to tell you before you screamed at him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, your improv skills. Bad. Okay? I was an abused improv student.

I don't react well. You were. I feel bad that you had to do, what was it called again? Pajama prov. Pajama prov. Pajama prov is fucking terrifying. I know. You would wake me up at any time in the morning.

It's three in the morning. Hey! Wake up, pajama prov. And you'd have to get up. And you'd have to improvise with whatever is in the room. What are you talking, like so he would come in and just be like, pajama prov. Yes, and then usually it would be like a handgun

or something. I mean, you didn't do pajama prov. Oh, with this? it would be like a handgun or something. I mean, you didn't do a pajama prob. Oh, with this? He would do it with a handgun? Yeah, and you'd get the gun and he'd be like, yeah, you know, here we go. Is it loaded, is it not? You'll see.

Come to that fire from off in the room. That's fucking terrifying, Greg, I feel bad for you. Pajama prob is the scariest shit I've ever heard. I'd rather have a parent hit me. I'd rather be molested by a parent. I'd rather be, three in the morning I'd rather be molested by a parent. I'd rather be three in the morning, be like, get up and suck it. Then have him go, hey, get up.

And the stepfather too, it's not even your real dad. You know what I mean? It's a stepdad. I'd rather stepdad go, put this in your mouth, Bobby, than pajama prom, go. That would terrify me. It was the actor's mental molestation, is what we would call it.

Is it really? Yes, it was a mental molestation, is what we would call it. Is it really? Yes, it was a mental molestation. Is that what got you into comedy? Huh? Comedy, I got into it just running. I lived a few years on the road, and the only way I could make money was doing local clubs. By pajama prov?

Well, it was the only skill I had when I left the family. I had to leave the house. It was just abusive shit was going on at the home. You left the family because of it? Because of the pajama prov, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to hit the road. Really? Yeah, I was like 10 or 11.

I'd go to different clubs. Don't you have a documentary coming out about it called The Pajama Problem? I'll be honest with you, we didn't have a name. That is the name. It was called Untitled Project. Did you write a script for it where there's a real lot of action before and after all

the dialogue. It puts his hands on, he puts his pants on, but he goes, oh wait, there's the belt, and I forgot my belt. He opens the door, puts the light switch on, then flicks it off, then puts it back on. He notices that Greg is sleeping, he walks over, there's a blanket, it's blue. His cholesterol's a little high. His blood pressure low. The night is like a night. It's a normal night. You get it. Yeah. I spent a lot of years working the back rooms doing, you know, one man shows for the drunkards and the elegance. Yeah.

The bigs and the littles of the road. And you got sick last week. Yeah. So what'd you eat? Caesar salad. From where? That's a weird one. From where? From where? From where? It's this pajama problem is rubbing off on everyone.

Why is that the voice when people can't act and they always go to, they always go to, well, they always go to like 1930s actors. Well, the gem would be here if it wasn't in my pants. It doesn't matter the line. Judy, Judy, Judy. I'm sorry your mom died. Well, how dare you say that.

Pajama prom. I think because in your head you go, that's what an actor is. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, what you imagine actor when you're a kid, it's that person, that voice. This couch can't act. Cause I would be doing improv with the couch. You know, because we didn't have the right.

If you can do a scene with a couch, you can do a scene with anybody. Exactly what he would say. If you can make, if you can make a broom look good, you could do miracles for De Niro. This is kinda like the guy in Dodgeball, Ohulahan. Yeah. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a dodge ball.

If you can act with a recliner, you can be an actor. We had all these ideas of what acting was, but my stepfather never acted. So he would make me do all these crazy drills. Right, right, right. I'd wear a scuba mask once, because he was like, if you're in a scene and you can't breathe,

you should know how to, whatever. So I would do scuba improv. But doesn't the scuba mask actually give you air? No, because you have to know how to breathe through it. I didn't, so it's like when you put your CPAP on too strong, it's just blowing no air everywhere through your body. You have a CPAP? Oh yeah, brother.

For your nose? It goes under my nose. It's a nasal cannula. A what? Nasal cannula. Canyon? Nasal. Canyon.. It's a nasal cannula. A what? Nasal cannula. Canyon? Nasal cannula. Oh cannula. Cannula. I can. Yeah. All right. So you had a Caesar salad though. What is it? What could be bad in a Caesar salad? It had to be shit.

It was shit. It was shit. Someone put shit in your Caesar salad. Someone put shit in my salad. No, what? I ate it up. It has to be fecal, right? Yeah, I think so. From what place? A bar in Albany that I was doing a show at. You were doing a show in Albany. Yeah, on a Sunday night. And you got a Caesar salad.

Cut to a scene in the new show, Fecal Matters. Who's shit in my salad? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I love what you're doing with the story. Fecal Matters is a good movie we should do. So you're doing a show in Albany. You know they have clubs in Albany. Don't I know it. Okay. But not me. I said give me a bar filled with six comics.

So there's six comics. Well. I did it for three. Oh. Who? Who is that, Danny? You're talking about three people. Yeah, I did it for three people.

That was his headline again. I can't just talk to him every once, huh? Danny? Listen, I don't know if you've seen his face. He's terrifying. All three of the people that work for me are fucking physically terrifying. Not like their faces, their eyes. There's deadness behind Danny's eyes.

He's murdered somebody in his life and his parents covered it up. If someone passes a note forward that says blank, just murdered a woman, and it's one of them, which one do you think most likely is filling in that name? Oh, it's Mush. Mush? Yeah, and it's Gabby, who used to work here. Let's go with Gabby.

Gabby's dead. If Gabby Bryant ever dies, it's Michael Suarez. I forgot he was here. Yeah, if Liz ever dies, it's Danny Brown. So depending on the woman. Yeah, yeah, like mush get mush. Liz is Liz. Dan mush can deal with Liz because she's aggressive and she's cool.

He's used to that. He's fine with that. Gabby, who used to work here, is very passive aggressive and mush does not like Which I tend to agree Gabby told bookers not to book me. So yeah, it seems aggressive aggressive I mean that what the fuck what is he? Why did she say that? What did they say what did they say Well, that I'm funny and that I'll attack women. Well, that's terrible. She's a terrible person.

That is, Jesus. She is, she's a terrible person. Okay, well listen, let's get your own podcast and you can promote that. So the night opened. A starry night. Yeah, there we go, go ahead. Three squirrels high on cocaine.

They're writing, they're, hmm. Wow, you suck at improv. You know what? Because I have trauma. You're a pajama prov. The night I lost it. Here's what you gotta do. Pretend you're in pajamas and it will come out. Listen, close your eyes.

Look at me, look at me. Unclose your eyes, you fuck. You told me to close. I said close them. Look at me. Close your eyes. Look at me, look at me. Unclose your eyes, you fuck. You told me to close. I said close them. Look at me. Close your eyes. Listen to me.

You're in your pajamas, Greggy. You just went to bed. It was a great night. You watched a little TV. You played with your dolls. You had some ice cream. You're in bed. All of a sudden the door slams open. Gregory! It is pajama-prov time! No daddy. No daddy. I cannot do it. No more scenes daddy.

You need to be able to do this. No daddy my butt is too raw from the leather and lashings. No daddy. What? What the fuck, why did you turn into a Russian? Why? Were you Russian as a boy? I don't understand. They did Russian for a year with Greg. Oh, Russian, we did every nationality.

Instead of an exchange program with another kid, they made Greg Russian for a year. I getcha, okay. For a year we did, and I had to do ballet. That's right. And he would put me in the red room. And you had to assassinate. And they gave me a hysterectomy.

What? As they do in all Russian. I don't know if you know what a hysterectomy is. All Russian actors are to be so dedicated to the craft that they cannot bear a child. And I was forced to have a hysterectomy. So who shit your salad? I mean, it had to be poo.

Yeah, probably. I mean, what had to be poo. Yeah, probably. I mean, what else could it be? Bad? Was it chicken? There was chicken... Was it a chicken Caesar? It was a chicken Caesar. It was bad chicken. It could have been bad chicken. It could have been bad chicken or it could have been a big old pile of shit. No, well, here's the thing.

Jury's out. Jury's out, Judge Henderson. Well, here's the thing. Judge Miller. Judge Miller. Judge Henderson. Who was Henderson? I don't know. There was a Henderson in there. Was it Greg Henderson?

I don't know. Did I just change my name to Henderson? Your last name was Henderson. It's very possible. I'm still very stuck on a Vinnian's analysis that we'll never hear. Can we put that whole script up on the Patreon if people want to read it? Yeah, we'd love to. I think you have to.

We got it. If you want to, what's the name of it again? Karate Man. Karate Man. Karate Man? It will be up on Patreon if you'd like to read this. And send in scenes. Yes, please, send in scenes. Send in videos of yourself and some friends doing scenes.

And do it in pajamas. I will post this, all the scenes on my social media, and tag Greg and can I call you? Yes, I would prefer it. Yeah, thank you. Anthony in it, and we will post you all, if you do scenes from Karate. Karate Man.

Karate Man. A Jiu Jitsu, a tale of Jiu Jitsu. That's like my album, the making of, the DVD of the making of a CD. So if I remember correctly, Kay is a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu man, who is Japanese. Yeah, and I think. In the movie Karate Man. Wait,, Kay is a Brazilian jujitsu man who is Japanese. In the movie Karate.

Wait, but Kay is a girl. Kay was a man who becomes a girl. Because I think she's trans, but we don't mention anything. That's how cool we are. It just becomes a woman and no one even brings it up. That's how cool they were by the end of the script. That is pretty cool. I really do respect that.

You know what? Because we don't care anymore. No. It's just the karate. It's a whole other movie. Yeah, it's a whole other thing. So you had, so it could be the sound. So you do the show.

How bad was the show? The show was a race. The show was, the comics were better than I thought they would be. Where I was prepped for like, this is gonna be bad, they were actually good. And then the minute I got off stage is when I felt my eyes water and my stomach.

Did you cry? What's up? I cried, I was so sad. I was so sad, well, because I just had spoonfuls of shit for an hour. I was sad. Why would I have this shit? Why would the waiter bring me a shit?

I have to eat it. They brought it, I have to eat it. You ate before the show. I ate before the show. Never, never, ever eat to eat it. You ate before the show. I ate before the show. Never, never, ever eat before a show. This was a great thing that I did. I took one bite and I went, that's wrong. My whole body went, you should not.

Yeah, you know why? Yeah. Because you tasted shit. I tasted human shit. 300,000 years of evolution went, do not eat this salad, for this is a, we lost a lot from this. I'll tell you what I would've said.

Wait, so you got the salad i got to see the look visually good now it did not it was a pale green you know you have a good salary up that you that shouldn't be food but here goes you take a bite you know now was green as a cell did they have sees a salad on the menu they did okay but it was it was

it was nobody was there, it was Sunday night, it was a real like, I guess this guy, I guess we'll make this for him. But I had the first bite, I knew it immediately, and then went, you must be nervous. That's what it is. You thought- I thought I was nervous for the show.

You thought tasting shit in your food was you being nervous? I was being nervous. Wow. So I kept eating until physically I was like, you can't eat anymore. Because it's bad. It's bad. So you had a bite of chicken?

But I brought it. And salad? I brought like 10 to 12 bites. I had half of it. Oh, so the first bite you knew it was bad. Knew it was bad. And you kept eating. Went right, yeah, kept eating.

Why? Because I went, you're nervous. Maybe if you eat, you'll be less nervous. Why would you be nervous? Why would you be so nervous? Because a friend will never Why would you be so nervous in this shit gig in Albany where your body's gonna react? You really think that you're that new in the business where there's all you auditioning for Conan

or The Tonight Show or you know what I mean? Like even like Ryan Reynolds was in the audience. There's nothing to be nervous about. You weren't nervous, you took a bite of something and your body reacted to it and you were like, oh it's nerves. Must be nerves. Why?

I don't know why, I just thought like, there's not a lot of people here, all the lights are on, you must be nervous for this situation Right, and I just kept eating and then the minute I got off stage I knew and then I drove staying no I was driving home So I drove home as fast as I could an hour into the ride I went to Poughkeepsie got a hotel and just threw up for like an hour Wow. Yeah, that's crazy Yeah, yeah, you got a hotel in Poughkeepsie.

Yeah. Wow. That's a fucking shithole. Yeah, and for a, cause I had no luggage or nothing, I just walked in there and I just went, I need a room. And they were like, he's gonna kill himself. He's gonna hang himself in the Poughkeepsie hotel. I remember I have a good point, he goes,

yeah, he thought you probably just killed a healthcare CEO. He just walked in that room and I was like, give me two powerades. And then the woman behind the desk was very funny. She was like, uh, Courtney, you're a Hilton Honors member. Would you like your two waters? And I was like, just give me the water. And then just violently threw up for an hour. In the room.

You made it to the room. I made it to the room. Did you puke in the car ride? No, but it was close enough where I was like, I have to get off now. So you were puking. Yes. All night long. Yeah. Shitting? No, just puking enough where I was like, I have to get off now. So you were puking? Yes. All night long?

Yeah. Shitting? No, just puking. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Did you still masturbate? Tried. I tried doing it.

You still tried. Why did you, you dehydrated? Why would you suck the last ounce of liquid out of your body and throw it on your chest? And then, Guy code in. Guy code in. Guy code, bro.

It's guy code. That's guy code that's guy code you got a mess with it once a day sicker throw you sicker thin if you're cacactic you have lost weight from throwing maybe cacactic here sicker thin I will get one rub in that's my motto you learn that from your stepfather? Put that in your tombstone. No, put that in the script. Put that in Karate Man. Yeah, sick or thin, gotta get one rub in. Yeah, well that's it.

That sounds like something a witch says. Sick or thin, gotta get one rub in. Cack-cack-tick. So, you're in the hotel puking all night. Now you gotta tell your wife, and what does she say? What happened we did we got married you were there in 2023 right what happened to the TVs Never in my life have I seen such a sham run gig yeah, this is guys. Sorry who hit the wire

I'm just going are we all done who hit it? Who's me? Suarez you hit the fire Mike my eyes Mike's fault Suarez is the king of stream yard I mean Gabby Gabby was right. He would always get us on stream yard and I respect it. He'd murder a woman Introduce me to Riverside. That'd be funny if he killed Gabby and all the club owners, but she was right They decide this episode. I'm glad I'm glad we didn't use them. We did go to court. And then they go, pajama pants are pretty fun though. But here's the thing, they make Karate Man.

We'd have to read Karate Man for the jury and I would bring it. Vince Vaughn is like, I like that script. That is a good idea. Can we read one scene with Sal? Yeah, sure. Bring Sal. We'll end on that, OK? We've got to wrap this up. We've got to go to Patreon, if you don't mind.

Oh, love to. Guys, we're going to bring these guys to Patreon. Are they going to have questions? Yeah, we have questions for you. We have questions. Why do you get so insecure? I'm so excited. We've got questions for you.

If you want to ask questions to the people on my show patreon.com slash Robert Kelly Please go there and join become a member if not make sure on YouTube or listening like subscribe comment Get that algorithm going if you're on YouTube. Just make sure you subscribe. Thanks so much guys. You're the best What do we got we got it ride the pony? What do we got? We got it? Ride the pony. Why don't you tell people your plugs roll away. Oh, we have a podcast called Welcome to Talktown. Anthony DeVito, myself and I and the woman. What woman? It's a woman. A rotating woman. A rotating woman. You have a rotating woman? It's the same woman, but she rotates throughout the entire podcast. Like on one of those Chinese tables? Yep. Like on a Lazy Susan. Lazy Susan, is that her name?

That'd be great. Actually, can I say something? If you got a Lazy Susan and put a girl named Susan on it and just rotated her every show, that'd be fucking awesome. She can't get anything together. That's old Lazy Susan. We do eat sushi off her.

Let's show you how we do a podcast called Well and Talk Town where we're redesigning all of society from the ground up. Okay, what does that mean? Anything like, how would you handle tipping? In Talktown, everyone gets tipped. I love your shirt, a tip for you. Here's a sandwich, a tip for you.

You know, we're redesigning everything from the ground up. So everybody gets tips. Okay, just one thing I made up up my head. Give me another scenario. Anthony, what about Grand Theater? Grand Theatre, yes. Anyone at any given time can invoke Grand Theatre. This is a rule we haven't talked to. What that means is like, let's say that someone's made a fool of, like let's say Suarez hit the wrong wire, right? I can invoke Grand Theatre. I go, Suarez, a fool you have made us. The video should be on, right, and you can make a big stink

of things and really eat up the room. That's Grand Theatre. But how do you revoke Grand Theatre? There was a rule. Banish this. If you're doing Grand Theatre, you say boo this man. And they can boo you if they don't. Boo!

Yes, and then Grand Theatre is not. Boo! Right, I don't like that at all. Why? That was a good boo. I was trying to be in the Grand Theater Yeah, no, so you can so these we have lots of rules Boo Well, you're not invoking Grand Theater well I am invoking Grand Theater now and you will not accept my boo. So therefore you are a

schmucko How does that call are a schmucko. How does that feel? Did dad call me a schmucko on my show? I call you a schmucko of life-o, automatico, you jerko. Grand theater, I invoke. So fuck off, Greg. Fuck off. This is not how grand theater is used.

Whoa, what the fuck? Grand theater is used. Anthony, can I fuck's going on? Grand Theater is used. Anthony, can I call you? Yeah, I'd love for you to. I listen, man, what's happening? I thought that was Grand Theater. When you said Greg. It hurt me for real.

It cut him too deep. Why? I don't know why. I can't call him his name. I, Bobby. Because it's real. Yeah. So I should call him something else.

I invoke Grand Theater. You can only invoke Grand Theater once a day. That's a rule, you can only invoke Grand Theater once a day. Wait a minute, I thought you, what the fuck is going on? You can only invoke Grand Theater once a day. That's a rule, you can only invoke Grand Theater once a day. Wait a minute, I thought you, what the fuck is going on? You can only invoke? Your world sucks. You're the world.

Everyone wears orange hats? I don't want any of your world. You wear orange hats. I'm gonna start a new podcast where me and Anthony, Yeah. Anthony. Thank you. We change the rules. And it's called Anthony and Bob's Grand Theater

Hall Day Long Event. It's an event. We can change the rules, we can bring it to gate court and we'll see if it goes over. Alright, bring up south. Alright, here we go. Ready? Alright, where's the beginning? Jesus Christ! You have so much, alright, read it, Greg.

Six month threat. Greg's small cluttered apartment dishes pile precariously in the sink. Kids drawing adorn the fridge. Oh, kids drawings adorn the fridge. The song of a frantic knocking shatters. Quiet, Greg opens the door to find two burly men in dark suits. They look like they haven't slept in days and smell strongly of cheap cologne and desperation. Is this a book or a play? One. Okay. Sal is bald with a menacing scar above his eye. The other, Vinnie, sports a gold chain thicker than Greg's wrist.

They stand in a doorway blocking the light. A single wilted rose sits on the floor next to their feet. Who's Sal? I'll be Vinnie. Henderson. Yeah. Greg's eyes warily. Though he is, oh, Greg's eyes warily. You guys are the only reason. Though he is, he isn't, oh, Greg's eyes warily, warily his hand.

Warily. Stickly going to his hip, though he isn't carrying anything. Warily. I go for my gun, but I don't have one. Your wife owes me, owes us money. A lot of money. Vinnie kicks the rose closer to Greg's with his oversized shoe. Consider this a friendly reminder.

Sal gestures vaguely toward the kids' drawings on the fridge, a cruel smirk playing on his lips. We're reasonable guys. Pay us back and we'll forget this ever happened. But if you don't, well, let's just say roses have thorns. Pfft. Ha ha ha. Sal practices knuckles.orns. Pfft. Hahaha. Self-practice knuckles. Whatever.

I don't have, Greg, I don't have that kind of money. Well find it. One way or another. That's a good one. Sal and Vinnie step inside their shadows looming large in the cream pieed apartment. Greg retreats, his eyes darting towards his children's bedroom. Let's not make this difficult.

Oh, I'll talk to Zyaria. Sal throws his wilted rose against the wall. The petal scatters like blood. You better. I don't know how you filmed that. How do you know petals scatter like blood? I can't believe you wrote a character called Zyaria. That's what Anthony had. In Pough believe you wrote a character called Zyaria. That's what Anthony had.

In Poughkeepsie, he had Zyaria. Alright, well listen guys, we got, where you gonna be, tell us where you gonna be again. I'm probably gonna get out of a car ride home, gonna go back to my home in Verona. Oh, we're gonna be at the Comedy Dojo! Yes, there you go.

Friday. This is gonna come up after that comes out. You fucking asshole, I'm just kidding, sorry. When I can't see you, it's easy to insult you. I got nothing else going on. It's the first time. When does it come out, Danny? It's gonna come out in three weeks. Three weeks, just give us your website, what's your website?

We've got a lot. Comedian Anthony, no, AnthonyDeVitoComedy.com. Just follow me on Instagram. Make sure you follow him on Instagram. At Comedian Anthony DeVito. Anthony DeVito, there on Instagram. Make sure you follow him on Instagram at comedian Anthony DeVito Anthony DeVito There you go. What do you have my friend? What's your website? Greg F stone calm? Okay Make sure you check out their podcast. Oh, I do have one thing. Oh good, please. Yeah. Yeah

We're doing the pajama cruise. We're gonna do comedy pajamas on the cruise around What we're doing a cruise comedy show where. We're gonna do comedy in pajamas on the cruise around. What? We're doing a cruise comedy show. Where? Around the Statue of Liberty. When? Thursday. This Thursday.

This Thursday. This is, you see? You're gonna miss it? What's happening? What's going on with you? It's the precursor to the Ted Cruz lobster cruise. You have a cruise with lobsters? The Ted Cruz lobster cruise. Who's Ted? Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz from? Ted Cruz lobster cruise. You have a cruise with lobsters? The Ted Cruz lobster cruise.

Who's Ted? Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz from? Ted Cruz. Okay. So the whole thing of this is we have the Ted Cruz lobster cruise, right? We get all these people to come.

And then when we go, when I get on the boat, we sail out and then we go, we go, ah, bad news! Ted Cruz couldn't show up. Also, he had the lobsters. So we're all just on the boat. Don't forget Karate Man. That's on Thursday. Karate Man is on Patreon right now. If you want to read Karate Man, the epic script.

It's a hundred, baby. And please, and your special. And please. Oh, my special. Oh, yeah. Don't forget your special special. And please. Oh, my special. Oh yeah, don't forget your special. That's my special needs brother, Gilgo. Oh, he has a good time in the fucking closet. Nobody present.

I will let him out. Nobody presents. Nobody presents Greg Stone. Nobody presents, sorry. That's my special, it has over a hundred views. But my special ed brother, Gilgo. Go to, where is this? Where is this? Get. Listen, go to where is this? Where is this?

Where is this? Where is it? The special? On YouTube. YouTube.com slash? Just go, just right, just scream nobody presents Greg Stone into your Siri or Google friend. Alright, make sure you check him out. These two guys are very funny.

I love having you guys on. Danny, what do you have? Follow me on Instagram at Danny breath? Mush, what do you got? Follow me at Mike V Suarez Cheese boy. It's Joe Russell. Go to YouTube just type in the cheese show guess what it's a fun fabulous Show but cheese I hope Ryan Gossett comes out with a show called the cheese show show and then when they type it in he comes up

And then April 9th, I have one show 7 p.m. At Zany's Comedy Club in Nashville It's it's one show. So there you go. And then I'm going on the also doing a cruise Calder cruise show. So there you go and then I'm going on the... Oh you're also doing a cruise. Calter Cruise. I'll be there in April so I mean I don't know why I'm promoting that but if you can go on the cruise it's awesome it's a fun time. Me and Mike Calter and then I'm in Austin at the mothership the 18th and the 19th which is during the festival and then I'm all over the place. Go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly and then go to youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly

Live no act Robert Kelly comedy for my special you guys are the best go to patreon right now and subscribe That that's where we're going. So we'll see you next time on you know what?