Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #585 | Rosebud Baker & Pat Burtscher | Rosebud Drinks Bobby's Pee

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

This week on YKWD Rosebud Baker drinks Bobby's Pee and Pat Burtscher returns to make things goofy!Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bar banner, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original. The original.

The original. The original. The original. Fellas, check this out. Every time you look in the mirror and you're seeing less and less hair, you know, it feels like there's nothing you can do about it. Well, that's not true. Hymns hair loss solution is here to get you that thicker, fuller hair you've been craving

for in just three to six months. Hymns gives men convenient access to a range of hair loss treatments, a whole bunch. Whether you want a chewable option, a pill, a spray, a serum, there's something for you. Visit their website, answer a few questions, and a medical provider will see if HIMS is right for you. You can have amazing hair by the end of July. If you get started now, start your free online visit today

at hims.com slash ykwd, that's h-i-m-s dot com slash ykwd for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hims.com slash YKWD. Results vary based on studies of topical or oral monoxidil finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate.

See website for full details and important safety information. What's up everybody, it's Robert Kelly and we're here for another episode. It's a special episode. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I'm a little giddy. Anyways, Danny, we got a very special,

let's get right into it. Who is it? We have Pat Bercher and- And Yamanika Saunders. Yes, Pat Bercher and Yamanika Saunders. Don't do it, you have a career. Don't do it. Yama Nika Saunders. Don't do it, you have a career. Don't do the voice?

No, you're about to do some shit. Let Pat do it. Yeah, I'm not gonna make it. I'll do it. I'll do it down in flames. Oh man. I'll do it. What you talking about, Bobby?

Oh no, oh no, that was way worse than whatever I was gonna do. You have to beep that out. That was way worse. Make that the whole episode on loop for an hour. What you talking about, Willis? Good God. I apologize.

Gary Coleman? Yeah. Ha! Yom was supposed to be here, she's not here. Hopefully she makes it by the end of the episode and she's gonna commit like a fucking shit storm. She's coming to the next one. Oh, she's coming to the next one, okay, great.

When she said she was at the train and then said, oh wait, can I do the next one? It means she was not at the train. She was still in her apartment. You should have had her call you so you could hear train sounds in the background. I guarantee you heard some cat meow from her apartment. Yeah.

Hey, I forgot my vape. Hey, what? No, everyone else has. Oh, no, this is yours. Oh. I got you a few. No, that's yours. You have that choice. You would like blueberry mists, right?

Yeah, that's what I had in my rider. That is yours, dude. I'm sorry. I opened it up. I always test the vape for a guest before I give it to them because if it doesn't work, I want to make sure it's charged. Do you have a vape in your rider, actually?

No, I wish. What the fuck? I'm going to start doing that. What are you, Dutch? Why would you think you would have a vape? I have a vape in your rider actually? No, I wish. What the fuck? I'm gonna start doing that. What are you Dutch? Why would you think you have a vape? I have a vape in my rider. What? Do you really? Yeah. Oh my fucking God. It must be nice. How many things do you have in your rider? I'm not famous. You can ask for whatever you want on your ride. I have a fucking rider. They don't get you the stuff half the time. I have a rider. But you can put whatever you want on there. I send my rider when I make reservations at restaurants. You do?

No. No. His tone makes you serious. Yeah. You do? Absolutely. I'm Batman, you are. Yeah.

I slept with your wife, thank you. You're welcome. I have a riding nose. Guess what's in my rider? And I'll tell you, I'll hit the bell when you're right. Oh wow, this is cool peanuts. No Mmm chips. Nope wings. No Wings before show

It's one word one word you have one thing on your one word three letters Fuck we all know the answer to this do you but you know it already right you didn't guess it in no that's fucking more than three no it's not it's three isn't it now I am no zyne is it no I do any making that you guys don't try the new zinnies yeah yeah what do you have on it you're gonna use that what do you have on it you like it don't you're not supposed to inhale it mama that's marijuana though you have on it? Are you going to use that? What do you have on it? You like it? No, you're not supposed to inhale it. Mama. That's marijuana, though. You cool? No, it's not. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I swear to God, that's marijuana. No, it's not. Are you all right with that? No. Buddy, why would you do that? You don't know that it's fucking weed. Oh, well, we're going to go all the way in then. Buddy, that's actually I'm going to have a fucking breakdown live on air. Buddy, that's Molly meth. That's amazing.

That's Molly meth. It's the new one. Guy who hasn't done drugs in years. It's Molly meth. It's Molly meth, you would enjoy. Okay, nope. Three words, three words, three letters. Words or letters, make up your mind.

Don't get sassy because you're on meth. You know what happens when you give me meth? I get impatient. It's Molly meth. Listen, the meth brings you up. Dude, put my K back. No. He stole my K. No, she doesn't get anything.

And first caller to call in, and guess what he has on his rider gets the W. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. She put the D right between her tits. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I get it.

That's what we're doing. Ha ha ha. No, the D. Oh, got it, yeah. It's a dick, okay. You put a Y on your body. No. You don't even know what letters are in your podcast name.

Oh, sorry, what did you put? You put the K. There's a D, there's a W, there's a Y. What's missing? Which one's missing? Yay, I'm on math! Give me my Molly math back. What do you want? You got one thing back.

I want the Molly math back! Alright! I want Molly math K. I tricked you.K. Oh. Ah. All right. I tricked you. Okay, no. Three letters, one word, in my rider. Is it a solid or a liquid or a gas? It's a solid. Okay.

But it turns into a liquid and then becomes a gas. Ice. No, it has to go through my body. That's a good gas. That's a solid gas. Yeah, cause he's a fucking nerd. Yeah, but what else is there? Zan and Ice.

You're not nice. Yeah, but it's, tell you what, my writer's not Ice. Okay. So there you go. Are you happy you did a rhyme? Is that what you're thinking? Well, yeah, it was. The bug with nobody laughed.

Not even the fucking, cause he too. You did a fucking nursery rhyme. And you took like a celebratory hit off your meth molly. It's molly meth. You have to do the meth, molly meth, and then the molly first. Does it start with a vowel or a consonant? Nope. Sorry, with either?

What the fuck's going on? Am I really on meth? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH a consonant. A consonant. What the fuck's going on? Am I really on meth? Ah! It starts with a consonant. It starts with a consonant. Okay. Kids. Nope. No kid is funny.

I have to have kids playing, running around to make me joyful. One kid. No, it's not kids. You fucking sneaky W stealer. No. Now they're not gonna know what show it is. Oh, now they're gonna think it's some weird fucking D Y K W.

This is like the art in every ugly town. Now it's fucking Danny you know know, why? Dyke W. Dick, you know. Dick W. Dick W. Dick, you know, would. All right, come on. Come on.

Is it, is it, is it start with W? No, it does not. What is it? Just tell us. No. Well, no one cares enough to like hang into this. Not when you fucking do that. This is like wordle, but aggressive.

Yeah. It's aggressive word aggressive. Yeah. It's aggressive wordle? Yeah. Ready? Three letters. What do you think about three letters? It's a food.

Oh, food. Three letters, food, eat it. Jam. You think I'm that fanatical fuck? I'm just eating jam. No spoon. Like a bear? Yeah. Yes. No.! Like a bear? Yeah.

Yes. No. Is it in a container or is it free? What? I mean, it's not free. It's still. Is it out in the open or does it have to come packaged? It's in a package.

Okay. Does the package make noise? Yeah, it can. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Three letters, one word, eat it. I like that your line of questioning

wasn't leading to anything. You were just more curious. Yeah. Does it have friends? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you brought it out, would someone be like, oh, can I have some?

Or is it something you can't share? Well, Danny would definitely do it. Joe would do it. She wouldn't. You might. You would take it out of, like, spite. Oh, yeah. You'd be like, give me some of that. I'm mostly. You might. You would take it out of like Spite. Oh yeah. You'd be like, give me some of that. I'm mostly driven by Spite. Yes. And Math. And Molly. Molly Math. Good. Three letters, one word. You can eat it. Comes in a package. You would

enjoy it. Hmm. Come on. Is it a meat? Yes. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, it's meat. Ham. That's it! Yeah! That's it! We did it!

We fucking did it! In my router it says ham. No it doesn't. And it's from my college touring days because you would do college after college after college and you would just go and I would need some type of protein just to, because I'm driving all the, just like, you know. Just ham. Ham. Loose ham.

I would just do loose ham and I would do a package of ham, like a quarter pound of ham. And you got like several TV credits and you were like, I don't think I need to switch this up. I don't know, I said I don't need ham anymore, but the Philly punch line, every time I play there, in the green room, there's a half a pound of ham every time because they read it they only want to read my contract my my rider and they're like he wants ham and I've never said

don't get ham. The guy wants ham. They get me ham. There you go. Wow. Ham. Do you have a rider? Maybe. What's in it? Ham. No. What the fuck? I was embarrassed. Seriously, man. Fucking steal my rider. Fucking whatever, dude. Just wipe the whole fucking table clean. If you guess what's in this mug, I will give you a dollar. Water.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's some kind of tea or some. Do you know what it is? It's probably that fucking salt shit. What's that salt stuff called? Element or whatever. Elements? Yeah, well you got creatine in there? What are you doing? No, no. What is it? Tea. Is it a tea? Is it hot or cold? It's hot. Green tea. Nope. Is it a coffee? Nope.

Chamomile tea. Nope. Is it a tea? Nope. So it's not a tea? Nope. It's a hot soda. Hot soda? What are you from the 20s? It's hot. Hey, hey Sally, give me a hot soda to go. I had a bad day. Throw some cherries in it too. What the fuck? I missed the whole hot thing. You asked it! I was just guessing soda. You said, is it hot? Yes. Soda. What? No, you said hot. No, I said hot. Oh, you did? Yeah. Somebody said hot and I missed that completely. And then I just said soda. It's cold. Can it be served hot?

It is hot. Can it be served hot though? Or is it like soda? No! No, you fucking tip of it. No, no! Don't do that! Apple cider. Do the other way. In the top!

Wait, Jesus Christ. Do that. Take a sip. You can't open it, you weak mother. Mmm. You did the mmm. Eww. Eww. It's like soup. It's my pee. I swear to God. I've been drinking my own piss because it's supposed to be your pee. No, no, no. It's broth. It's pee. It's not pee. It's my hot piss. It's not pee.

I swear to God. I've been taking Jiu Jitsu. Bobby, it's not pee. It's my hot piss. Bobby, I need you to tell me that's not me. It's not me. It's my hot piss. It's not me. I swear to God, I've been taking Jiu Jitsu when the guy was here. Bobby, it's not me. It's my hot piss. Bobby, I need you to tell me that's not piss right now. I stayed right in there because I have some molybdenum. No! What is that? Hot piss.

It's broth. It's Danny's piss. If that's piss, you're gonna die today. It's autistic piss. Danny, you're gonna be so smart by the end of the day. I swear to God. You're gonna be able to do math, you're gonna write, you're gonna be a star. Autistic piss By the end of the day You're gonna write

Yeah, you can do them cuz you just drink piss yeah, man, what the fuck was What kind of hot piss is it? I'm not kidding. I'm gonna throw this. Please don't throw it at me. I'm gonna throw it at you. Look how aggressive you are. What kind of broth is it? You couldn't even open that. Now you can throw shit. If that's piss. It's hot piss. It's not just piss.

And it's my piss. Which I thought we were friends. I thought we were friends. I thought we... You get someone to drink your piss and then you say, I thought we were friends. I'm like, what kind of biofeedback loop are you in? Why would you drink your own piss? Because it's good for you.

No, okay, this is where I know it's a bit. Your piss is, I swear to God, your piss is good for you. You shouldn't drink other people's piss. Bobby, you're not going to drink your own piss. Because listen, I know you're deep in the internet, but you're not that deep. You're not slapping your balls in the morning and screaming at the sun. Who is not doing that? What is she talking about?

The people that drink their own piss, they slap their balls in the morning, they scream at the sun. Show them the video. Show the video of me this morning. You're not doing that. I have an issue with my count. I've seen you can't even walk down the stairs. I've seen you fall down your own steps a million times. Take some of my

pee, dude. Have some piss. Twist the top. Just no, no. Twist the ego. Twist. I don't think I have it. It has. Now just sip. That's not piss. It's not. Take a sip. You can't smell it. What are you a fucking piss connoisseur? It's your sommelier for piss. Yeah, you need to eat more greens. Yeah. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, it's just hot piss.

When you make it hot, I'm going to tell you why. When you heat it up like that and put it in the thermos, it kills all the bacteria. So it's good. It's bone broth. You fucking lose it. There's no way that Dawn would let you walk out the door. With my hot piss? She helped me cook it you cook it she cooks

my piss it's not piss it's bone broth it's bone broth I would never let you eat drink my piss I need a nap I feel like you would you need a what I need an app after all this I feel like you would Bobby I think you would let me drink your piss I would not let you drink my piss because Andy your husband would be so mad yeah but you'd be like but dude the, the views, you should have seen, I got so many views, dude. I made you laugh so hard. That was insane, because her going, you need to tell me that's not your piss.

In what world? That was so funny. In what world, my friend? Oh my God, that was one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. It was an outer body experience. This is the Rosebud Go Code Red. That is not piss. I vowed to my parents I'd never drink man piss like my aunt.

That was personal. Like my aunt. I don't know. It really was personal for you. Well, yeah, I thought I'd drink piss for a second. The Rosebuds don't drink piss. really was personal for you. Well yeah, I thought I drank piss for a second. The Rosebud don't drink piss! Ah, oh my god.

Baker, Baker, you make me laugh. You got so angry at me. I was really mad. You went, tell me right now. Yeah, she was going to throw that in your head. I was really mad. Yeah, why would you be mad? Because I don't, because I honestly... I was really mad. Yeah, why would you be mad?

You told me to guess and then you know, you let me drink it and then you told me it was this I was pissed. Yeah, really pissed. Hey, stop it. I'm not going to do that. No, no, no. Hey, I was pissed too. Don't give him a fucking, that's crazy. You can't take that back. Yeah. Oh, my piss is so good. It's so good. I'm taking control of the bell.

How good was my piss? Honestly, the bone broth? Yeah. It was good. What kind of bone broth is it? It's called piss. It's from cows. They piss in bones and then they heat it up. What?

I don't know. Just going with it. Whatever, man. You gotta freestyle it, right dude? Yeah, man. Where's my- Did you take the five? I didn't take any letters.

You did. Where's the D? I don't know where the D went. Buddy, I would be on, what do I got? You wanna check my pockets? Why would you take a D, dude? I don't have the D went? Buddy, I would be on, what do I got? You wanna check my pockets? Why would you take a D, dude? I don't have the D. Did you take the D? Did you take the D?

Someone took the D. You both are taking a D right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha locator things in here. What an apple? Yes. Then if someone steals it, you can try. Well, there's only one person that steals my fucking letters. Who's that? You. You don't have a you. You're a you. You definitely have a why. At least I don't drink my own piss.

Yeah. Well, at least my friend doesn't drink my own piss. What? Rosebud, you're not his friend. You're not his friend. You are my friend. I'm not his friend anymore. You look so angelic right now since you've had piss. You've cleared up all your skin.

Your skin looks beautiful. Let me ask you a question. Piss and rage is really good for the skin. That really did enrage me on a level that I can't quite. I'm still mad. Is that piss and anger really the stuff for your skin? You have to drink piss and then get still mad. Is that piss and anger really? That stuff for your skin? Do you have to drink piss and then get really mad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only way it works. Then it gets through your system really quick. Yeah, it's like how they made Deadpool. I'm still mad. Did you really think it was my piss? I didn't, it was. It's not broken.

I did start to believe it. I started to believe it for a second. No, it's broken. Let me see, it's not broken. Let me see. Oh, you know what really upset me was that Bobby is that I actually liked it. And then you told me like, Oh, now we get to the bottom of it. If I just liked, she went, Oh my God, I love this. I never wanted to be this person. I was like, it was good. And then you were like, it's my piss. And I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no. She's like, I like it.

It was like, I learned something about myself I wasn't ready to learn. You have to go, how am I going to tell Annie? And I'm on camera, and no one can deny it. I was like, mm. And then you were like, it's my piss. You have to try to figure out ways how to heat your piss up without getting known.

This is a true nightmare. This is like an actual nightmare that I would have. Should be calling me up late at night. Bobby, I need you to send me some piss. We have a car. We can get out there. I've tried a bunch of other people's piss. It's just not the same. Bobby, look out your window. Andy's parked right outside your house. He's pissed. I didn't tell him what he's picking up. I need you to put in a thermos, an unmarked thermos. You went through a bunch of other headliners piss. It tells piss tastes too sour.

It's no good. It tastes like cigarettes. It tastes like cigarettes and fucking pickles. Oh shit. Well, they really do drink piss. They do. I was just reading about a guy that did it yesterday. Yeah, there was a guy, Machida,

who was the light heavyweight champion for a while at UFC, and he would wake up. He's Japanese, jiu-jitsu guy. They do it for like biofeedback. Yeah, it's stupid. You shouldn't do it. But it does make sense on some level, because I think when you wake up

and you drink piss in the morning, you already know what's wrong with you. You can make water, drinkable water out of your piss. You know how to do that? Food. How? You need a spaceship. They got that on there.

There's a man that's over... What? They recycle their piss and stuff in space. On a spaceship? Oh, you need a... You need a spaceship. That's what I meant. I thought you were a meth.

No, no, no. That's not real. Hey man, I can use that and you brought some of the spaceship right now. Give me a spaceship. That's what I meant. I thought you were a meth. No, no, no. I'm being real. Hey man, I can use that and you brought some of the spaceship right now. Give me a case. There's a health guru on Instagram that was DMing my friend and he was trying to tell him to eat his own cum,

but he was, instead of using the word cum, he was using the word hummus. Ew. Ew! Ew. You sure he wasn't Israeli? How chunky is his cum? That he's describing it as hummus. I don't know, I think it just, in his mind,

he's trying to convince people to eat their cum. Why would you eat your cum? I think that he's saying there's health benefits, but he thinks if you say eat cum, people are gonna get grossed out, so he thinks if you call it hummus, it's less gross. I mean, it makes it grosser, because if your cum is the consistency of hummus.

You're dying. You're dying. When I got my surgery, I don't know if you know this, Because if your cum is the consistency of hummus. You're dying. You're dying. When I got my surgery, I don't know if you know this. When I got my surgery, I have a photo of it too. I won't show you because it will gross you out. What is it? You just told me I drank your piss.

So don't tell me you're now sparing me from being grossed out with a picture. Visually. Let me see it. What surgery was it? I can't show you, my friend's wife, I can't show you. What is it? It's my cum.

It's your cum? What is this podcast? It's not my fault. She's gonna drink the fizz so freely. You jerked off and then you took a picture of your cum? Yes, that's correct. That's correct. That's correct. To send to a doctor?

Yes, to send to a doctor friend of mine, yes. Let me see it. I want to see it. Okay. Well, can I give you a little context of why, please? Yeah. Okay. So.

I don't like how much you're zooming in and zooming out. Well, I'm trying to get to Montreal. So, okay, here we go. Okay, so I got the surgery. What surgery? I got my stomach surgery. Okay. When I lost the weight.

So, gastric sleeve surgery, they just go in, they make your, they make. I don't know. they make your they make oh my god oh my god oh my god you know she's gonna pass this trauma on to her child right I don't know what that was but it looked like some kind of pastry pastry kind of hairy why are you doing this to me Bobby? I refuse to turn around. That's disgusting. I told you it was disgusting. I didn't say it was cake. What? I didn't say I'm showing you pictures of babies and butterflies. What happened? Oh my god What happened was you think I thought I was dying. No, yeah Yeah, I would too. Oh Lord. Did you send it to Dawn? No, I didn't five, she's never seen it.

I would never do that to a woman. Ugh, yuck. I mean to my wife, you're a woman, but you're a friend of mine. Listen, what happened was I got the surgery, so I had to go, the next week I was in Montreal. So I'm up in Montreal, you know, doing the shows, and I wound up masturbating.

And when I came, it was black. My jizz was black. I fucking panicked. So there's blood in there? No. I thought, well, immediately I Googled it. It's cancer. You're fucking dying.

First thing, cancer, black jizz. That thin cancer. Yeah, second one, you're dying, you're dying. Third one, you have superhero powers. Right. But then, so I called my doctor, he's like, I go, man, I just, it's embarrassing. He's like, just say it.

I go, I jerked off. He's like, okay, there's more, right? Right. And I go, yes, I didn't just, I didn't wanna call you. I jerked off. It's more right. Right. And I go, yes, I didn't just, I didn't want to call you. It's three in the morning. I jerked off. It's like to a photo of you. To your kids. So I said, I, and this, my jizz, my sperm, I called it sperm because he's a doctor, is black. And he's like, take a picture.

And I'm like, well, I'm gonna have to jerk off again. I can't, you know what I mean? I cleaned it up. I didn't know I was gonna have to send you photo evidence. I thought you'd just believe me. Right? And so I had to jerk off again. I had to wait a little bit and I had to jerk off again to see goes if it's black again

Take a picture show me so I jerked off again. It came up black again. I'm like I'm dead. I'm fucking dying He did something such a funny. What the fuck? Yeah, cuz the first time you're just like I gotta get rid of some tension, you know I'm blah blah blah and then all of a sudden your doctor's like you got to send me it So there must have been like a portion of time where you forgot or you were just like, all right, this isn't that bad. And then after.

No, I bet you were pacing around the room. I was fucking panicking. I had nobody. I just got this surgery that I didn't- You just had to wait for the black jizz to make you tense enough to need to jerk off again. But I didn't, I couldn't even eat. Like that was my thing.

I couldn't even eat because I just got this surgery, my stomach's this big. Right. I couldn't even stress eat. Right. I couldn't go get a hooker because I don't, you know, black jizz, I don't want to scream in the room, ah, he has a black jizz on his, on my vagina. What is this accent? French, French.

Black jizz on the. What is this accent? That's what he'd say to the hooker. What is this accent? That's what he'd say to the hooker. What is this accent? If you didn't have such a weird accent, my jizz would be normal. It's your fault, you fucking French queer. So listen. Right. So I am not a queer, I'm a woman. That was better, right? Yeah. Yeah, you're getting better.

You'll come your jizz is magically. Now you sound like the candle from Beauty and the Beast. You haven't seen Beauty and the Beast? The play I did. But not the animation. Okay. Okay. So now I'm like, I gotta masturbate again. Because I can't tell anybody because nobody knows. I didn't tell anybody I got the surgery. I'm hiding everything. So now I'm at the festival, everybody's there. I just came back, I'm dying, I have cancer.

So I got a surgery, a new lease on life, but now I'm dead. He must have cut something, some cancer open inside of me. I think maybe something's bleeding. I don't know. So I have to masturbate again. So I have to kinda, I gotta go eat some tuna. I go have a little celery. I kinda walk around and then I water, I come back up and I jerk off again.

And when I jerked off again, that came out. I'm not looking. Just look. God! I'm not looking. I don't need to see this. Just one time. No.

Please. Just look. Just to be a part of things. You jizzed on your arm? Yeah, it's pretty good, right? I mean, I hit my arm. That's fucking nuts. No?

That's pretty wild. I mean, dude. I mean, that's... It's his ankle. It just drips down your lord That looks like coagulated coca-cola It looks like oil It's like some weird version of the Beverly Hillbillies.

She's gone to zombie and moved to Beverly Montreal that is. Yeah, it was fucking nuts. So I had to take this picture and send it to my dog. It was so embarrassing. So then he called me back up and he's and send it to my dog. It was so embarrassing. Right. So then he called me back up and he's like, it's just protein. He goes, you've only been drinking water, bone broth, and you've been having protein shakes every day.

So the protein just, you have too much protein. It will phase out. And I was like, okay, what if it doesn't? He goes, you might be dying. So I was like, okay, great. So hopefully't? He goes, you might be dying. So I was like, okay, great. So hopefully it phases out. But if not, I'm dying. Yeah, there's something wrong.

You have to go back and see him, but it was just protein, too much protein. So there you go. So what did you just jerk off every single day after that? I jerked off every day until it came clean. Ha ha ha ha ha! This is for science! But it's so funny because I had to. I have the type of mind where like if that was me and I thought there was a possibility

that I had cancer, I would be jerking off every hour on the hour until that happened. Yeah, but you don't know how it dick works. Yeah. Yeah, you can't jerk off every hour. Yeah, but you know. I'm not, I'm not. I had one that worked well. Right, because if you. Yeah.

All right, well, that fucking doesn't feel good at all. I know, it hurts. Mine works all right. But it worked good enough to jizz. I hit my forearm. That's, that's. It's right next to it, Bobby. Where, where?

It's right next to it. Yeah, yeah, but your fore, or or that unless you're unless you jerk off Unless you jerk off with one arm up like you're on a fucking like a like a bowl I'm not that impressed your dick throws curve balls. What's going on? My dick Went boop boop my that pew. That's pretty good. That is like an oil well. A flea could clear that, I'm just saying.

You don't have dicks. This is good. I don't have dicks. You don't have dicks. That's good. That's pretty good, right? Like, look it, look it. All right, here.

So I'm here, my dick's here. It shot up and hit my arm. I don't get it. So it shot up. There was some in my mouth. You just covered? No, he told me to taste the next one. Shut up.

He goes, if it's chocolatey, it's just chocolate protein. He goes, if it tastes sour, it's cancer. If it tastes sweet, it's AIDS. If it tastes sweet, it's diabetes. Yeah, that's how Patrice found out he had diabetes. He peed on his girlfriend. And she was like, that's sweet, your piss tastes sweet, it's diabetes. Yeah, that's how Patrice found out he had diabetes. He peed on his girlfriend. And she was like, that's sweet, your piss tastes sweet.

And he had to go check, and they were like, get diabetes. It's a weird way to find out. It's kind of a fun way to find out. Well, you're a piss drinker, so you'd know. For you, now that you love piss. It really, I'm not, I can't emphasize this enough how much that fucked me up. That really fucked me up.

I genuinely thought for a while that I liked the taste of piss. And it's not even noon. What if that opened you up to piss? Like in a year you're like, Bobby, I'm into piss so much right now. I've been begging Andy to piss on me. Andy's like Bobby I'm in the piss I've been begging Andy to piss on me and he's like I'm out I'm leaving I'm taking the baby why she keeps trying to fucking give me the piss in her mouth court says she

can't see the kid she's lost custody who was it Norton was into that because she's a piss pig she's just, I gotta take a sip of piss. Norton was into that? That doesn't surprise me. How good is that bone broth though? It's okay, it's pretty good. Now I'm scared to say that I like it. I take bone broth. You fucked me up.

Do you want to try black cum? I have a lot of it. I've been saving up since Montreal. That shit looks bad. Listen to that. That doesn't even look appetizing. The black hum you have to actually wet, because it hardens after a little bit.

So it's kind of like almost like a paint. Like a Cinnabon. Oh, I love Cinnabons. How great are Cinnabons? Pretty good. Really good. What's the best dessert? Say Tiramisu.

I'll throw hot piss in your face. Tiramisu, do it, do it! Yeah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! We should all try our own piss. Danny, get some cups. I'm gonna say ice cream sandwich, by the way. Fucking wow! What kind? This is classic. I love an ice cream sandwich.

Classic. Classic ice cream sandwich. Classic. Classic ice cream sandwich. Thick one, right? Yeah. Wow. Wow, that's a good one. Now the problem I have with ice cream sandwiches is that as it starts to melt, the cookie... Gets on your fingers.

Gets on your fingers. That's my favorite part. Yeah, because you love piss. Because I'm a filthy piss dick. If that's not the name of your next special, you're not going to... Filthy Piss Pig. That's not the name of your next special. You are not going to do Filthy Piss Pig. I go to Netflix, I'm like, I got a great new special. No jokes for it.

Title, Filthy Piss Pig. Now hear me out, the ending, remember Carrie, the ending of Carrie? When the blood comes down. It's piss. We pull a thing, it's hot piss. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. If I cry, does that make it better?

And then I tell everybody I'm pregnant again. Yep. Is that why you follow around? And I'm queer. And I'm queer. And I love men. And I'm pregnant, and I'm queer. Pregnant, queer.

Yeah. What's that? You know how the Amazon drivers throw piss bottles out of their trucks? Yeah. He's running around. I think. Nose up. She rose running around. I think, uh-huh. Nose up.

Uh-huh. You see Rose, but she's not- Like Pac-Man? She's not hitchhiking, she's just, ah. Ah. I think all- That'll be piss big. Have you ever pissed in the car?

I had to have. I bought this thing off Amazon that- That is so funny to order that from Amazon and your driver needs it but can't use it. You pull it out, it's like this big, and then you pull it out and it's like an accordion. And then it has a top where you can put your ding ding in it or you can put it over your vagi-hole

and you can piss in the car. That's not what... Ding ding or vagi-hole. That's what it says in the directions. Vagi-hole? It says vag vagy hole. That's what it says in the directions. Vagy hole? It says vagy hole. That's what my wife makes me call it. She goes get down there and eat my, she's from Boston.

Scream into my vagy hole. Yeah she has a boss say get down there you fucking dirty kid and eat my vagy hole. Eat my vagy hole before I fucking smack you and fucking run you over with the car you fucking queer. Do it or I'll tell the kids you're a coward. Yeah, I'll call that fucking piss drinker, Baker over here, and I'll fucking make her lick my vagi hole.

What the fuck? He goes, nyan. Yeah. She's so mad. I'm knocking on the door before she finishes the sentence. Are you done? Andy, shut up, I'm getting my pill. I'm here. Yeah, I've pissed in the car. I you done? Andy, shut up, I'm getting my pill. I'm here.

Yeah, I've pissed in the car. I've masturbated in a car. Well, yeah. What? I mean, anybody just eyeballing it. What have you said that guy did? What has this man done? And then it's just everything on the list.

No, I did it to save my life. No, the fuck you didn't. Swear to God. What are you laughing at? It's because every story you have about like jizzing is life saving. Life saving. Yeah, the life saving jizz story.

It was true, I didn't notice that. My other one was to save my life from cancer. Yeah. And this one, I was driving home, I worked at this Jewish camp, Camp Bauercrest, in Amesbury, Massachusetts. My foster father, Ken Laz, became the director of this camp. He always went to every summer. I was like, listen, you got to find another place to live or you can work at the camp and live there. So I go, what's the highest paying job? He's

like a lifeguard. So I went and became a lifeguard. And I got a job at this camp. But on weekends you can leave, I got nights off. So I left, went to meet some chick or some horse shit. I had to be back Monday morning at eight, I'm running late, I got a fucking, you know, I'm on the highway, I've been up all night, I'm falling asleep on the highway.

And I'm like, the only thing that's gonna keep me up is if I jerk off. So I just pulled my stick out and I masturbated for like 45 minutes and I just kept edging so I would stay up. And then right when I made the left off the exit, I just came in my fucking, my sock. And when I say sock, mouth, I came.

I came, I came in my friend's mouth. My friend was blowing me on the way home. His name was Jitsok, and I'm kidding. I don't, what? What happened? I don't know where we lost you. Anybody want some piss?

You lost me at hot Bobby jerking off while driving a car. That's what, I was like, hmm. I just started going, hmm. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I was like. Hmm. I just started going, hmm. I was like, Oh, OK. Any more stories like this? Weird version of speed. Yeah, it went from like it went from like a story where you're like you're like old and dying and and jizzing black

cum to like I was hot and young and a lifeguard and I'm jerking off with one arm while driving with the other and I'm jerking off with one arm while driving with the other. I'm like, well, what the fuck? The stories are supposed to get worse. Well, I started with the wrong story. I should have started with the first one and then went to the second one. And that would have been, yeah. Fix it in the edit.

Yeah. Yeah. Fix it later. I remember one time, Dawn, when I got my knee surgery, my knee surgery, it was my second surgery, because the first doctor fucked it up. I had to go get a second one. So I'm sitting in the thing and I think,

first one you were coming out of your knee. I drank too much piss on the first one, and my blood was weird. They had to put you in a machine where it just brought your knee up and down all day long just to keep it moving. And she left me. She's like, I gotta go back to Boston.

I have a thing with my friends. I'm like, you'll leave? I'm like in the apartment by myself. I can't walk. And I'm like, well, fucking then suck my dick. And she's like, she goes, I'll give you a hand job. I'm like, fine. So I'll give you a hand job. I'm like, fine.

So this is back when we had sex. Yeah. So she just sat there. Before you were married? After. It was. It feels like an after-marry. Before, it was before.

Oh, okay. Well, maybe right when we got married. Okay. Right at that thing. Yeah. She might've been engaged, right there. So she's like, okay, so she's jerking me off, but she's watching TV. So I'm just like, fuck it. Oh God. Oh God. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking aiming away for me. She's like this. She's shot it into my fucking

mouth. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fucking asshole. I, I, I aim it away for me is the funniest thing. just watch it And you can't do shit cuz your knees all fucked up I was lying that just shut my eyes I'm on Viking in from the pain He's jerking off George Clooney and She's just right there imagining that she's jerking off George Clooney and ER. You can't close your mouth because you're on Viking. She laughs. Doing her best to tune your voice out completely while you're begging her to aim it away. She cracked up.

She was like, why'd you do that? I go, I fucking didn't do it. She's like, why did you do that? You didn't have to go yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Oh, that's great. Dawn's a fucking hero. She is a hero.

You have a girlfriend. No. You have a boyfriend. No. You have a lover. No. You have a dog. No.

You have a couple people you reply to a lot. It's all me. Reply guy for sure, right? Reply guy. sure. Right. You found Barron Trump. Nice pick. NASA dude. NASA callback. I was a business school.

You don't have anybody? Not at the moment. Is that your piss? I'm in between. Yeah, this is my piss. My piss cold. Is that weird? No, that's not weird. Ice cold? Hmm. That's not weird at all. That's great. I heard ice cold piss is better for you than hot piss. Is that true? Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, um, when was your last girlfriend?

Huh? I was seeing a lady not too long ago. What'd she say? No, she lives in Montreal, so it didn't. Oh, does she live in Montreal? Does she have this accent? No. No one has that accent. Yeah. Well, your piss is black. Wee-wee. Welcome to the city of jazz.

Stop, you're making me lonely. Where have you been? Oh, do you like my armpits? They are hairy like yours. Hattie. Why'd you break up? You know, the distance and stuff. Oh, do you like my armpits? They're haddy like yours Why'd you break up as you know distance and stuff that's it no and like That's it that's that no it was fun

You know there's regular lady or comic? Regular lady? Mm-hmm. Ding. Ding, ding. Yeah. She couldn't take it. No, it's just like, we were like, how the hell are we gonna make this work if we both live in different cities?

Right. And there was no plan on like moving to the same city. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God you weren't a soldier. Yeah. Why? Why? I'm single, I'd make't a soldier. Yeah. Why? I don't know. Why?

I'm single, I'd make a great soldier. I wouldn't be like, I have to write a letter to my lady or whatever. I'd be like, just point me at where I gotta fuck up, you know? And then I go and fuck it up. Right. Yeah, you'd be a good soldier.

I made a man. And then I'd cry and be like, I'm lovely. Grrr. Grrr. That's a good soldier. Well, you harness And then I'd cry and be like, I'm lovely. Grrrr. Grrrr. That's a good soldier. While you harness that fucking rage to kill all those babies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? I'll never have one of these. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I want one.

You just step on it. I want one. I want one of these. What are you doing? Don't look at your phone. Sorry. What the fuck was that? She's a mom. Maybe her baby's texting her.

Her baby's with the father-mother. You... Don't say... That's not fair. That's not fair to Andy. Okay? He has the high. Andy is known as Dada.

I'm the one who's known as Dad Mom. She calls me Dad Mom. We also call you Dude. And Piss Drinker. Piss Drinker, now. Hot piss. I guess. That really confused me.

Yeah, you were very angry. I was so mad. And I was confused and scared. And I'm sorry to keep bringing it up. I'll drop it from now on. No, it were very angry. I was so mad. And I was confused and scared. And I'm sorry to keep bringing it up. I'll drop it from now on. No, it's all right. You know? You wouldn't drop it if it was a cup of hot piss.

Absolutely not. I'd fucking hold it close, warm it up between my breasts. Sucking it from the carpet. If you drop it, ah! Now this is a fact. What are you doing? I'm checking to see if Minnow's okay. I'm literally just.

Oh, that's such a cop out. Oh, I am. Let me check to see if my salamander's good. No. Oh, salamander. No, because Max doesn't, Max is like- Look how cute Max is. Ew!

It was so close! It was so close, it didn't register. I have my son. Oh, God. It doesn't, you get unfazed quick. That's why you're a good soldier. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's bad. unfazed quick. That's why you're a good soldier. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's bad.

It was bad. But thank God it was nothing. Because I thought when you showed me that, I thought it was like a scar or something. For a second, were you like, is it what I jerked off to? You think the devil? I think, no, I'm like,

were you ever, was like the Catholic part of your brain? Because you're Catholic, right? Yeah, I'm Catholic. God fucking, my grandmother and God will like take his jizz and make it black. He shouldn't be drinking off the train of sexuals. Give him a warning. That's a man with a cock, I don't care if it has tits.

He's a fucking queer. Give him black jizz, Jesus. Jesus is like, all right, if you want it. All right. Turns up a knob. Mary, whenever you want, you've been a good soldier. Yeah. Yeah.

At least I know. Did you get, like you got cursed or something? Yeah, as she said. What a horrible way to, I mean, at least you were alone. I was alone, but I did wind up showing Jay, which was a bad move. Yeah. Yeah, I showed Jay.

I mean, if you ever want something told in the world to somebody. Yeah. Yeah, tell Jay. Right. He can't keep a secret. I mean, why would you? If you begged Jay to keep a secret.

That feels like you told him because you wanted people to know. No, I just didn't understand Jay. I heard Bobby Lee and Jay can't keep a secret. The two, yeah. Yeah. Famously. And you found out the. The two. Yeah. Yeah. Famously. And you found the hardest way possible.

Yeah. When the yeah, one of the bookers of the festival is like, is your sperm okay? That's hilarious. I'm just going on stage. Give it up, Robert Kelly. What the fuck do you mean by that? Hey guys. Wave to people. The crowd's like black juice. You have no jokes on it. No. and wave into people. The crowd's like, black juice, black juice. Oh whoa, Jay, Jay.

You have no jokes on it. No. Holy shit, that's Bobby. I just realized that's you. Yeah, that's me. I can't find them. Dawn threw that shirt out. Holy fuck. You can get a new shirt like that.

Bobby, you look great. Thank you. You do. Wow, that's great. You look great. That was a real compliment out to you. Yeah. Thank you. You do. Wow, that's great. You look great. Thanks. That was a real compliment out to you.

Yeah. Usually when you give a compliment, you can see there's a train coming up behind it. Right. Don't drop your hands, Bobby! Don't drop your hands! No, I mean, this guy- Fucking compliment me, sneeze. Just steps from death, but I mean-

What the fuck? But just look at the people holding me up. Look at him. Look at how he's straining. You can see a vein in his neck. Yeah, because he's straining. You can see a vein in his neck. Yeah, because he's holding up a small truck.

Yeah, really. I'm like, God damn. I just jumped in the crowd, too, like a maniac. Yeah. You didn't warn them. No, I didn't warn them. No, I didn't. You can tell. That guy does not look like he was warned. Yeah, but they're not really holding me up to-

He's fighting for his life. Look at my fucking body as a little bowed. Yeah, but at least they didn't move out of the way. He's not holding Bobby up so much as he's protecting his own head, you know? He's not really- Oh, the big guy with his face is red? Yeah.

Yeah, I know, it was an unfair move on my part. His face is so red. It's an unfair move on my part. But you look great. Thank you so much. It's an unfair move on my part. But you look great. Thank you so much. You do. I appreciate you.

Now let me ask, did you see the blind kid, blind Mike staged over at Skankfest? Did you see that video? No. So they're doing the mosh pit at Skankfest and this kid's like over to the right and he's blind, he can't see. No, no.

Is he totally blind? No. So they're like holding people back to do the Wall of Death. So they go, wait, wait, wait, and then they go go. What's the Wall of Death? It's like when you have two massive groups. Rob Dukes did it first from Exodus, he's a friend of mine. So he's had a massive metal concert, there's thousands of people.

And he goes, he had two, he goes, make, separate, you go over there, and you go over. The whole crowd separated down the middle. Braveheart style. Play this after, let me set this up first. So they separate him and he goes, wait, you don't, when I say go, I want you to kill them, and you to kill them. Wait, wait. And there's thousands of people just waiting and he goes, go, and they just went fucking, yeah.

And they just started doing a, it was fucking crazy, right? So I think they're doing one at Skankfest here and this blind kid is on stage and he doesn't really know what's going on so he's gonna stage dive. So watch this. Now, no, this guy's blind, so. Oh my God. Wait, which, this guy's blind. Oh my God.

Wait, which with the guy in the shorts? Yeah, the guy on the stage, right there. So they're all going to meet in the middle, and then he just dove into, thank God for that chubby security guard that he hit on the way in. He just fucking planted. That sucks.

That doesn't suck, it's great for us. That bums me out. Why does it bum you out? Does it bum you out more than drinking my piss? A little bit, yeah. Because you like piss. Well yeah, because apparently I like piss. She loves piss but doesn't like watching blind people.

I don't want to see a blind guy lose. Why? Because. Why, they win everything. What are you talking about? They get all kinds of lights, beep beep, they get sounds. And then the next year they let them do it. They get lights and sounds?

Yes, what did you say? The next year they let them do it for real. Oh that's nice. Yeah. That's good. But yeah, is there a video? He's not blind blind. What do you mean he's not blind blind?

Like you know blind blind. There's a brideness to blind. Like this is blind blind. Uh huh. He's just blind like you know blind blindness to blind like this is blind blind Uh-huh. He's just blind for attention right? So blind blind is engaged by the person's eyes Yeah, this is the gauge blindness by Bobby Kelly's impression Alright, let me see kind of blind. All right. Let me see kind of blind. Kind of blind. All right. This is blind.

Like 100% can't see shit. This is blind-blind. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Hey, anybody got a hot thing of piss I can sip on? Yeah, dude. Why you really care about blind, I mean look. No, not even that, I don't think about blind people really. But it bums me out to see them dive into a fucking, dive off the side of something like in a trust fall

and the whole world says no. Yeah, like if she doesn't think about blind people and then the only thing she sees is that. Right. You know. When did you get so serious? Um, about like when the meth started to fade. After the war? When you started showing us videos. I made a lot of mistakes. It's all right, man. You're okay. I can't sleep anymore. You're back home now. I can't sleep anymore. It's the PTSD.

Yeah. Yeah. You start doing ketamine. You want to hear the funniest, terrible blind person thing that's ever happened that I don't know? I used to work at an Italian restaurant called La Familia Giorgio's and they opened up a new one in Brookline, Massachusetts, which is like a fancier part. I know where Brookline is.

Okay, right. The original's in the North End, or East Boston North End, down in the Italian, but this was a bigger restaurant, blah, blah, blah. So it had a way different clientele, kind of rich, cunty people. And there was this woman, just a twat, kind of Brookline, Karen, blind, blind dog.

Right. Real blind. Like this blind. Blind dog? Dog wasn't blind. Had a blind person dog. Oh, right. She had a stick and a dog. That's a really... Yeah. She'd come in every day. Fucking asshole. Just an asshole. You know, like, I think one of the managers, she's a vegetarian, so one of the managers

just gave her the meat lasagna. Just watch her eat fucking hamburger. But she's just insane. It was funny. No, no, I mean, for someone to be an asshole like that and go and order food is insane. Well, she was really mean. Well, you can see what happened to her.

It's not like you don't know why want to table. Well, you can see what happened to her. Right. It's not like you don't know why she's pissed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they had this front window that just went from all the way. You could see the whole sidewalk, this whole front window. And every day you'd see her coming up with her dumb dog and we'd be like, fuck, why don't you take her?

Meet Gary Gullman and was working there too. Yeah. I ain't taking her. We'd all have to follow her. Fuck, she doesn you take her. Meet Gary Goman and was working there too. I ain't taking it. We'd all have to fight. I don't want her. Fuck, she doesn't tip shit. She tips like 34 cents. Whatever the dollar.

I thought it was a dollar coin. It was, fuck it. We hated it. And the manager, Bobby, Italian guy, lost an arm in a bank robbery fucking accident. Nice. He would always go. Bank robbery accident.

He would keep the menus, he would keep the menus under his stump. And he'd always go like this, he'd go, Wait, cover your hand, cover your hand. Yeah, you gotta, you can't do that. Cover your hand with this restaurant, yeah. Yeah, yeah, there you go. He would always go like this.

How many, he'd go, how many? One or two? One or two? One or two? It's a cracker, yeah. Right? So. I love this guy.

And if you got mad at you, it would hit you with a stump and it was just all bone. And you're like, ah. Oh, Jesus. You're clock sucking, you got a table, they want your food. I'm like, all right, relax, Bob. So, so, so we see this, we see her,

she comes up, we're like, fuck! Yeah. And we're like, I ain't taking her. And then they're like, Bobby's like, you're fucking, he goes, you're taking her, point with this stuff, you're taking her. So all of a sudden something happened with the dog and they're not supposed to do this,

but the dog took off and we just saw her feet go off, almost like Superman, just see her flying. She just flew for like two seconds in the air and the dog dragged her down the whole window. You saw her feet flopping up. She was just holding on to the dog. And then she came into the restaurant with the dog, and the dog was like.

I tried to make a run for it. She just had fucking, her whole face was scraped. Oh Lord. And I was, I got, I had a bowl of water for the dog because it was thirsty. So I was like, and Bobby goes, one or two. She went, I need a bowl of water for the dog because it was thirsty. So I was like, Bobby goes, one or two. She went, I need a band-aid. That was pretty funny.

All right, that's fun. That was fun. That's fun, yeah. He's a villain. Not all blind people are good people. No, I don't think that. I don't think that. I just, you know, that guy was having a nice time.

He was having a great time, you know, with his heroes. Yeah. And he fucking... Had bad timing. Just took one for no reason. Well, no one was watching. It was like God being like, ha ha! The guy, someone was recording, or was it just they were recording the whole thing and they... Recording the whole thing. Wall of Death. Go! And they all went.

There was a lot happening. He heard go and he jumped straight. Yeah. I say it's you, dude. You got a little cocky. You have a real good time. You forgot it blind. Right. Don't forget your blind. This is Bobby talking to him. You know what, Bobby? He was having such a good time. He forgot he was blind. And you know what? God said, I'm going to And you know what God said? I'm gonna let you remember. By hitting concrete. Never forget you're blind, kid.

Just slammed on the, I fucked up, I'm blind. That must suck to hit the floor and go, I can't get up. Where am I? You have to have somebody pull you up. You just think you're dead. That's like a case for that, not every blind person's other senses are heightened. Yeah. Oh, like he's not daredevil?

Yeah. Yeah. He's not hearing everything at all. Yeah. That kid's not daredevil. That's a case that daredevil doesn't exist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right there. Do you think blind people just hit a pole and go, well, this way. Watch out for the bus. But, that's all horse shit. There's like, yeah, there was someone that was saying,

forget who it was, that there was like some blind dude that figured out how to echolocate or some bullshit. I don't know if that's true. It's bullshit. That's just something you say after you've gone blind. Yeah. Because you're like, yeah, but I can do this on a date Well, you know when you're like, you're beautiful. Oh, you know, I thought you do it a African guy

I thought it was your Italian accent What's your name what No, I'm not partaking Good you can do you know, I'm not partaking. You won't let me do Yamanica. Good, you can do Yamanica. No, I'm not going to now. Why not? Dear Lord. Do it again. No. Do it again.

You're out of your mind. We're going live. No. Motherfucker. What? That was a good Yamanica. That was hard. You have to complain about black men not standing up for black women. Why the fuck? What? That's a good Yemeni. Those are hard.

You have to complain about black men not standing up for black women. Why the fuck don't black men want this pussy? It's just nerdy white motherfuckers that don't know how to eat pussy. They don't even like big titties. They're like little tiny, like rosebud Baker titties. I'm FaceTiming Yom.

No, don't, don't, don't yet. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. No, she's gonna ruin the podcast. Okay. All right fine So she's coming you're having her on next I gotta heat her up. I'm literally sitting in for y'all You're sitting in for y'all. Yeah, you are. Thank God No, you thank you for staying. I mean me and him would have been great, but it was great They take a hot guy's have been great. Yeah, well, he's awesome I mean guys have been great one of my favorite guests one of the a hot for this. You guys have been great. He's awesome. You guys have been great. One of my favorite guests, one of the best episodes.

And I would say this is one of the best, too. Right, Danny? Yes. Please, Danny. This is all I have. Danny, say it. Danny, say it. I make him drink my piss.

Yeah. What's the name of this episode? Drink and piss? Drink and piss with Molly and meth. Sorry. It worked. Sorry. That would be great if every time you did a joke it didn't work. Sorry.

Sorry. Next one. I'll be Lauren. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you're proud of yourself. I hope you're proud of yourself on that one. What is your Lauren, too? It's just Keith.

It's Keith. Big dick, little dick. You got a flat. You got a flat. You got a flat. You got a flat. You got a flat. You got a flat. You got a flat. proud of yourself. What is your Lorne too? It's just Keith. It's Keith. Big dick, ditto dick. You got a flat ass. Give it a big boy. I need some mashed potatoes. Some what? Who's got a swirl? Keith Robinson. I know. Bob's dumb. He goes, I know. I just was wondering how long you were going to do this. Bob's dumb, Rachel's a I know I just was wondering how long you were gonna

Tom Rachel's a bad mom and so is Rosebud. Yeah, that's his whole thing. I know every time so funny It's so funny bad mother. Yeah, because what are you doing out here? Wait, you want your home? Why you Clint Eastwood? Why is your I can't do Keith you can't go out there? Hey, go You got it. Now we got to say a word. Now we know why you're not a fucking you're in any sketches on us. And I'm just fucking you. I can't do it. I'm not a silly Billy.

I'm not a silly Billy. Silly Billy. Anyways, Pat, why don't you save this moment? This is like the blind kid diving into the... If you were there, and you saw, you were like that, if you knew the kid was blind and you saw him about to just dive into thin air, would you stop it? Yeah, I think I would. There. But I think I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Because when you're watching it, it just looks like he's dancing.

It doesn't look like he's gearing up the. What if he was he went side to side and then he would pull. It's called momentum. You know, but don't you move momentum would be. I want to know how do they know the edge of the stage? Maybe he did., he counted? No, he like touched it. I mean, he sort of like, he sort of like skipped back and forth.

And you said he was like only half blind, right? Yeah, he's like this blind. I can't. I want to see a full, I want to see a full rom-com where Bobby has to seriously play a blind man falling in love with a woman. This is hat-blind. Ready? Call my name. Bobby. This is full blind. Go ahead. Call my name. Bobby, your jizz is black. You look behind you. What if you did a rom-com where you played every family

member and the family members were all different degrees of blind. OK, that's good. I'll be the mother. Ready? Yeah. What, like a nutty professor but blind? My grandmother's the worst one.

Bobby, where are you? Starring Bobby Kelly and Bobby Kelly. I need my sardines. And Bobby Kelly. Is it me? Yeah. I need my sardines. And Bobby Kelly. I'm blind too. Hey Ma, can you help me find my underwear? I got a show. And Bobby Kelly.

And he's got it on his head. This is my sister Lisa. You going out again? It's all the same fucking person. With different degrees. Blind? Stupid thing. That was the bit. That was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. I did the bit. You did the bit.

You got the job. I really liked that. All right, listen, you guys are the best. Danny, we're gonna go to Patreon in a minute, but before that we're gonna give plugs and all that stuff, so make sure you go check these guys out live. Very funny. Rosebud is one of the, I mean, hands down. This is what?

And keep it going for this guy. What is, Pat? Did you say that because I yawned while you were saying it? No. You got meaner. That was not meaner. You got meaner. I did. Was that a callback?

That was a callback. It was a callback from the other show. The other show he said Rosebud is one of the hands down, one of the best, and it was really, he was just reaching for the words. Pat's hilarious. Couldn't find. Pat is amazing.

See how easily that came to him? But he also did a blind character. He looked off into the distance. I went, Rosebud is hands down. See how easily that's happened to him? But he also did a blind character. He looked off into the distance. I went, Rosebud, his hand's down. If I could see. What is this? Who is this?

Oh, Pat. What's the name of the website? What is it? PunchUp.live. In the microphone. Say the whole thing so people can go to it. Why don't you fuckin' say it? I don't like him saying it. PunchUp.live slash Pat Bercher.

He's gotta learn to talk in the microphone. He forgets that we're on a show and he'll go, PunchUp.live, Pat Berger back. And I might say it in the micro. Okay, there you go. So where you gonna be? You gonna be in North Carolina at Wits End. Oh, how's that place?

It's fun. Yeah, is it fun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sue Lookout, Ontario. That's all my Thunder Bay, Ontario. Are you from Canada, right? Yeah. Right. When I go back, I might not be able to come back in.

Why is that? I don't know. Oh, because of all the stuff with Trump? Yeah, I don't know. Who knows? Are you going to be? Seriously? I think I'll be fine, but who knows? If you can't come back in, can we do a FaceTime from Canada? Yeah, I don't know. Who knows? Are you gonna be, seriously? I think I'll be fine, but who knows?

If you can't come back in, can we do a FaceTime from Canada? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you FaceTime him? I'll come to you, because I'm American. I can come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come to you. Look at how fucking happy he is.

If you can't, I'm not happy. Look how happy he is. I'm not happy. He's like, if you leave, can I FaceTime you? Can I see the look on your face when they're dragging you out? As soon as they tell you you can't come in, you make sure to call me.

I want to hear the sadness in your voice. I want to pretend to be sad that I... I want to tell Mike Feeney about your Tyler Texas gigs that you might not be able to do. Hey, I don't know if you know me, I'm Mike Feeney. I do comedy too, I heard that, you know, Pat's not gonna make it. Yeah, but I could be there.

I'm American. And I'm American. So, all right, so you got all these gigs, Tyler, Texas, you'll be back, dude, Thunder Bay. Yeah, go ahead. No, I'm going back to Canada. When's this coming out? Three weeks.

Oh, okay, that's why, all right, cool. I might not be back. I'm just kidding. Well out? Three weeks. Oh, okay. That's why. All right. Cool. I might not be back. I'm just kidding. Well, it was nice knowing you. Yeah. This is great. This is great. You're the best. I love having you on dude. Love being here. You're a silly Billy. I love that. Every time I'm here, you make someone drink your piss. It's weird. They always drink it. Yeah. Drank it down. Yeah. Last one turns out he's Haitian will serve ads Haitian been drinking hot piss for years andvets last time. Drank it down. Turns out. Who was the last one? Turns out he's Haitian, Will Sovets. Haitian, been drinking hot piss for years. And likes it.

Loves it. So I'm not alone. I can call him up, he's got a source. He's got a source. Got it. It's him. Good. It tastes spicy though.

I bet it does. He eats a lot of scotch bonnet. All I've ever seen him eat is white rice. And white girls. And white women. All right, here we go. is white rice. And white girls. And white women. All right, here we go. And of course, Rosebud, go to rosebudbaker.com. She has a Punch Up Live, too.

You might as well go there. I don't have it. It's not set up. So I'm gonna be in Baltimore in Edmonton. I'm gonna be in Baltimore at the end of April, Edmonton in I'm gonna be Baltimore at the end of April. Edmonton in May. Sacramento. Fucking Berlin and London and then Newark. Wow, you're fucking routing it.

You said that like you didn't know you got booked there. You're like who the fuck? I'm going to Berlin. I'm going to go to London and then I'm going to Jersey City. You got booked there. You're like, who the fuck? I'm going to Berlin, I'm going to go to London, and then I'm going to Jersey City. So Berlin on Friday, London Saturday, Sunday, Jersey City. Well, I'm going to stay in Europe for a while,

so I'll be back in the States in June. Are you bringing your kid and your husband? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. Where are you going to get pissed there? I don't know. Oh, yeah.

British piss sucks. I bet. Their food sucks. Piss sucks. Why would their piss be good? If you're going to be in Berlin, that piss. Yummy. That's the best.

Because they know how to do it. You should go and see if they're doing pissfest in Germany. Everyday is pissfest in Germany. You're right. I fucked up. Make sure you go there. Guys, what do you got besides autism? Follow me on Instagram. My name is Zach.? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. That hurt, Bob. My name is Zach.

Please follow me on Instagram at ZacharyUnlimited. My name is Zach. It's like people's, I just want you to remember about him It's like their first AA meeting. I'm gonna keep saying it. Bob, he's gonna come black again. My name is Danny.

Is Joe here? Eleanor Rigby Watch is a cheese show that nobody's seen Is that Joe? Stares at the screen I'm Ringo Oh man, the pause was the best. Just go to my website, punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. I'm all over the place. Please go there and sign up if you're watching this.

And make sure you subscribe. Subscribe to the YouTube page if you're watching on YouTube. If not, we're going gonna go to Patreon right now. We have questions from you guys. And I'm Rosebud Baker and you can send me your piss at Rosebud Baker. And you can mail her your black comb if you have some. Well, just pictures.

Yeah, pictures, nothing else. And that's it. We'll see you guys next time on You Know What, Dude.