Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #589 | Maddy Smith | C*m-A-Saur

Episode Date: June 1, 2025

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Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the barbana, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast This isn't NPR That's what this podcast does Is there any better show?

This is the original The original Now, let's put our headphones on Yeah, let's Huh? Yeah My headphones aren't working Now, let's put our headphones on. My headphones aren't working cause my guys suck a fucking bag of dicks. Bag of dicks. Bag of dicks.

Bag of dicks. He's sucking on a bag of dicks. I was home alone one afternoon. I looked in the bag and guess what I found a bag of dicks And I started passing them around. Hey everybody sucked one. Alright. Anyways, we're gonna get five Cancel that. Hey everybody. It's right. I know it's great, but we're gonna get fucking demonetized. No way They don't that anymore. Oh, they demonetize. They don't they they push they push edgy now Really go as far as you want.

I blew a little... Nope, sorry. That's right. Let's not do that. That's right. No, no, no. I have a little kid. That's not what I was going to say.

Wow. That's next. Okay. Listen. You were about to say you blew a little kid and now you have a little kid. No, no, no. I have a little kid. No, I was going to say a little person.

Okay. Yeah, I would never say that. Like a kid. Is there anything more cool than a, like a really little person with a, like, confidence? No, it's awesome. Like, just like, almost like, you know, rich, tall guy, UFC fighter confidence? We just see him walking through Grand Central

with a briefcase. Oh yeah, they got swag. They got, like, yeah. I've seen some little people, I'm like, wow. I don't know why that really attracts me. I just wanna go talk to them and, Yeah. Their struggle, I know what their struggle in life is.

But honestly, I think they're doing better than us. Oh yeah. Because people look at a little person and they, you know, they elevate them and they. Elevate, I don't know if that's the word. Well, I mean it is the word. They have to. They have to elevate them.

They have to lift them up in some way so people can hear what they're saying. Why haven't they made little people legs that they can use, they can click on? Right. Like they're worried about people who get paralyzed, which is great. Making this little thing you can click on. Yeah, prosthetics and stuff.

Why don't you start with a little person, get them legs they can just click on, but it looks like real prosthetic. Absolutely. You know what I mean? So they click them on like sneakers, and then they can run around and walk and reach stuff. Would that be tough,

because they'd be all legs, because their bodies are half a foot long. Look, I'm brainstorming right now. I'm trying to figure it out. I mean, we can throw stuff around, mads. Absolutely, Bob. Mads. Absolutely.

We can throw shit, we can throw shit at the wall. How's this? Do it with sticks. We get, they have to, in the legs, right? And guys, back there, you have anything, throw it in. Absolutely. Okay, so it's like a suit. So it evens out the body and the legs. But it in. Absolutely. Okay, so it's like a suit, so it evens out the body

and the legs, but it's mostly legs. Yes, okay, okay, okay. So it's not a shoe you put in or a leg you put in. It's like a whole outfit you put on that is mostly legs. I don't know, it sounds like you're implying a little person would wanna hide their entire being. Wow, I thought you were in on this with me. I didn't think you were gonna go woke halfway through.

I was trying to be funny woke Wow For the bed, I think I give a fuck about midgets. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, not funny. Yeah, okay. I Get it So now that you've gone woke mad. Yeah mad. Yeah now you've gone totally woke How social justice how does it feel to get all that stuff? It feels good. All of a sudden, everyone's knocking at my door. I had Netflix, Hulu, HBO at once. At once? Knock, knock, knock.

That's great. I brought them inside. The three of the heads sat in my place. We chopped it up, shut the shit, broke bread. Wow. Speaking of bread, I brought in Cacio e Pepe bread. How is it? We're not eating it right now. We didn't eat it yet. Why? Break it open. Speaking of bread, I brought in, gosh, your pet-bay bread. How is it?

We're not eating right now. We didn't eat it yet. Why? Break it open, there's a knife over here. Slice open that bread. They lost their appetite. Mads, mads. I don't want any crumbs to get in the council.

Yeah. On the council? The council. Console? Oh, the council. Is this a council? Jedi council. Console.

Yeah. Not council. What the fuck is a council? If we looked around the corner, there was just a bunch of white people there. I know, deciding on something. And then. Yeah. Not council. What the fuck is a council? If we looked around the corner, there's just a bunch of white people there. I know. Deciding on something. And then we're just with little gavels.

Yeah. And waiting. And they're like, there's crumbs falling on us. This is out of order. Oh no. Isn't Cacio e Pepe the pasta with- That's what I was thinking. With pepper and-

Yeah, Cacio e Pepe. It's, no, there's cheese. It's not, no, it's not cheese. It's, uh, no, there's, uh, there's, uh, there's cheese. It's not, no, it's not cheese. It's just, um, no, I believe it is cheese. And it makes it, you get a little cheese in it, you get a little salt and pepper. It's like a fancy mac and cheese.

It's very, very, uh, light, but it tastes, it's my favorite pasta. Really? Oh, no, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah, no. Not mine. No? I know your favorite, let me guess. Ready? Go ahead. Vodka really? Oh, yeah. No, not mine. No, what? Well, I know your favorite. Let me guess ready

Go ahead vodka. You're fucking Irish drunk. No vodka sauce. It was vodka sauce Okay, let me back in the day when I had no taste. Let me give one more test. Let me give more I know bolognese. I do like a bolognese. I know you I do like a bolognese. I know you like it. I do like a bolognese. I heard that about you. I like a little, yeah. You like a meat sauce. I like a meat sauce. You do, don't you? I like it all over my noodles.

Oh, we're getting crazy. Mom, I'm sorry. I know you sent her on this podcast to be guided, but now she's going nuts. She'll be okay, my mom's a whore. That'd be awful if guys jizzed meat. Mm-hmm. That'd be awful.

If, have you ever had a guy, has like sperm ever come out or it's different? Like, like, cause you know, all sperm the same. No, they're all, it's all different. Is it? Yeah. Wow. You know, I'm a little bit of a commisor. I'm, I, so. It's all different. So yeah, some of you're like, mm mm mm mm mm.

Is it all different? Fair trade, Columbia. Yes. And then you know, obviously you have the guy who hasn't jizzed in a while. What's that like, jello jello thing? A little more solid. Is it?

Yeah. What do you mean? Talk to me about this, this is so interesting. So jizz is this different jizz. So if a guy... Absolutely. So if a guy hasn't had an orgasm in a long time. Yeah.

It comes out like what? Flabber, blabba dub, you know pizza dough vibes, just thick, solid. It comes out. Could form into its own mass. Like it's. And walk away. Did I, like chunky.

Chunky, yeah. Chunky. Campels, progressive. Like the top of a soup that's been in a fridge Yep Absolutely chicken fat on the top of the chicken fat you skim right out exactly really and it but it now Here's another question. It looks differently, but does it Smell or taste differently smell you're like oh whatever, you know, sometimes cum does smell like an indoor pool.

Yeah? Is that good or bad? It's fine. Okay. All good, as long as it's not in my mouth. Ooh. But then, the taste sometimes is, you say, that guy's cum tastes like shit.

Really? Yeah. Is that because of what he eats and drinks? I think it's lifestyle, yeah. Really? What is this? Oh, that's flubber. Oh, that's the, is that the cum? Like, from a guy who has a cum? Bro, that's flubber. Yeah, that's lifestyle. Yeah, really. What is this? Oh, that's lover. Oh, that's the is that the come look from a guy

Who hasn't come bro? That's flubber. Yeah, that's come. Oh, it's not green though. It's like yellow. Is it yellow? Yeah, a little yellow white. Is it just a bunch of like an egg shell is it old sperm just Yeah, it's still in there. I'm at the end of my life man. Are you young guys coming in here? He used me too late mother I'm too late. Hey, no way. I'm at the end of my life, man. All you young guys coming in here. You used me too late, motherfucker. I'm too late. I'm too late to get to an egg. There ain't no way I'm making that egg. I can't get to an egg, but I'll lie here.

I'll lie here. Until she whaps me off and throws me in the toilet. Exactly. So a guy who hasn't had a sperm or a jizz in a long time is like a solid thing. It's like a... It's thicker. A little thicker.

I mean, you see it in porn. What's porn stars come like Jews? Yeah, they come nothing what let me ask you question. What's the best? Like oh, but like you're gonna have a jizz party yeah, you're getting married right and you had to pick the jizz cocky all over me What would be the this is this is getting that's just I know it's 10 a.m And I know and and you're asking me about because you know why you brought it because i'm a girl No, you brought it because i'm a woman. No, you're what because you're a woman. Yeah, sorry to inform you I thought you were gay

I fucked up. I'm a gay trans man. That's on me. I trans man. God damn it. Danny you said I Fucked up Transman god damn it Danny you said this was the progressive show. I know Danny said Hey, you got Elliot page's friend coming in. I Tell you what that she transitioned into a boy really good. Yeah, she looks good as a boy But she's out. She's always been very ambiguous. You should taste her come Yeah, she looks good as a boy. She's always been very ambiguous. You should taste her cum Exactly. Wow, we tried to get it out of the gutter and Danny brought it right back in. That's why you know why? He's the cum king exactly I want a sound effect for you when I call you the cum king

What the fuck was that? Yeah, there's um, there's's, yeah, she transitioned good. He! He. Oh my God. I'm talking about when she did it. Now she transitioned to he really good. Wow, you really are woke. I, he just yelled at me.

I'm here, I know. Why? Because I was trying to be funny. Well, listen. I was saying he, like, as if you were doing a show on Brooklyn, I'm like, he. You think I give a fuck? I'm gonna fuck.

I'm gonna fuck about anything. I don't care about anything. I care about some stuff. I'm gonna bring up some stuff. Okay, okay, let's see. Alright, ready? Yeah. Kittens.

Love. Care. So cute. Puppies. Yes. Kittens with homeless trans people. Um, I like one part of that. Okay.

There's no such thing as a homeless trans person, by the way. Yes, there absolutely is. No, there isn't. There's probably a lot of them. Buddy, statistically. Statistically what? I don't know, I just like saying that. I bet there's a bunch of them.

I just like saying that because I hear other people say it. Dude, statistically. Statistically. Statistically. It's going to be a larger house. Nine. Statistically. It's gonna be a larger. Nine out of something. It's gonna be big. Nine out of 45.

Exactly. Like your trans people are not homeless. Exactly. Which would just be 20%. Would you sleep with a trans man, woman, what is it? Trans man. Yeah have you ever slept with somebody trans? No I haven't.

Have you ever slept with a guy that Um, no I haven't. Um. Have you ever slept with a guy that then after he was with you went trans? No, never had that. Never had that. I've had, I've had guys end up being gay. After they've been with you? Yeah. Wow.

High school boyfriend. Really? Ended up being gay. Just one, not two. Um, true. Just one. If it was two, your pussy was magic. I know.

Your pussy gave- Very dust in there. Your pussy gave the gift of song and dance. Or it took something away and they were like, well, I don't wanna fuck chicks anymore. Testosterone. You're disgusting, yeah. Your pussy sucked out testosterone. Yes, it did.

Yeah. And that's why I am the way I am. That's why you have a deep voice in the morning. Yeah. You do. Yeah. My voice is, I've always was in my voice. You are?

Yeah. Acid reflux. It's so funny because last time I had you on was at night. Yeah. And your energy at night. I know I feel so lame today. Well then you know. You gotta give me, I'm a night owl.

When I'm at night I'm, hey hey, hee hee ha ha. I was sleeping soundly probably having the best dream of my life 60 minutes ago. Well, what was it? Probably? I was getting fucking my ass eaten by oh my Matt Damon or something I'm not Damon. Why not Ben? You know you pick Matt over Ben in the department. Yeah Really he was hot in that gotta love a bad cop I mean, but he's eating your ass. I guess Matt would be a better ass eater.

I think, yeah, Ben, Ben's like a lover. Yeah, Ben's been with Jenny. Matt's like, fuck you, get on the bed, I'm gonna eat your fucking ass. Yeah, Matt's like, dude, I've been eating ass for a long time. A long time. I eat ass all the time.

Ben just had to eat pussy. Exactly. JLo, Jenny, Jenny G. P G, Jenny J, G, J. Jennifer Garner, she had never had her ass ate. No, she doesn't want her ass eaten. I would eat her ass. She's so hot. She's the hottest.

What's that? It's Matt Damon's ass. Wow. How do you remember that? Cute. Did you eat his ass? Let me see it. Let me see it.

Zoom in. I mean, here's the thing about ass eating. He's such a goofy guy. I wanna say right now, that looks like a ass pussy. Am I crazy? Zoom in a little more. Can you zoom in on it? That's as far as it goes. Wow.

That looks like a pussy. Am I crazy? I mean, it just looks like an ass that could be a pussy at the top. It looks like when you lift up a girl's a pussy at the top. I don't think- It looks like when you lift up a girl's legs to eat her out. I don't think you should ever,

I don't think that's Matt's ass. I'm pretty sure Dane Cook sent me that years ago. I think that Dane's cook has all. I think so too. Well, he's a prankster, you know? He is a prankster. I think Dane's making a comeback. Is he touring?

I don't, yeah, he's always never stopped touring. He's just not touring arenas anymore. Right, right, right, right. Well, you know, I watched episodes of Tourgasm last year and guess what I saw. Why? Gary Gorman? Wow. Yes, I saw Gary Gorman.

Hey, cum king, shuttle down on the microphone. Get cum king chill. I love when Danny gets a couple good ones and he gets carried away. I know, like in the edit you have to cut him out. He said, that's so funny if I make him cut himself out. Yeah. Can you just get rid of that third mic?

Danny, cut that out of the app. Hey, yeah. Yeah. Every time you talk, I want you to beep over it so people don't know what you're saying. Yeah. What did you, now when you watch Torghast? I was watching it. There's the new comic There's the new guy Jay Dave. Yeah, and you guys were saying come on. He couldn't bust balls

And you were saying I bust balls Well, it's an LA an LA comic the drama was through the roof the drama There's a lot of drama dude that was that back when I had a lot of drama in me. Yeah I don't have that much drama in me anymore right now you go on a tour guys and you say I don't have that much drama in me anymore. Right, now you go on a tour guys and you say I don't give a fuck. Well because here's a problem now, if I did that now, but you know what's going on, is there was a time when I had my kid

and when you have a child you get empathy. You all of a sudden, especially if you had a fucked up child like me, all of a sudden you open up. And you get all this empathy and all this love, like you can't help it. You can't help it. You can't help it. You all of a sudden, especially if you had a fucked up childhood like me, all of a sudden you open up and you get all this empathy and all this love, like you can't help it.

And you start feeling again, which is nuts, which opens up sensitivity and blah blah blah, then you care and you don't wanna hurt people's feelings. So the first 20-something years of my comedy career was fuck you, fuck that, fuck them, let's go. Let's go. Let's do this. And then I had a kid and it was like,

oh my God, I'm fucking gonna hurt your feelings. Right. Because you have this beautiful thing, but then as he gets older, now that he's starting to, hey, what's up, dad? Right. You know what I mean? I'm starting, my wife is like, hey, what's up, dad?

Right. You know, what's up? What's up, honey? You know, there's no more right. There's no more cuddly wuddly. No. It's going away. What's up, dad? Where me and my wife would sit there with this little baby and look right. And, you know, grab my lip and that, you know, like I came home last night

and she was in the room and he was down in his room. And I just fell asleep on a couch without even a good night. Not good night. I woke up this morning, I didn't get a good morning for at least four minutes. Four minutes? As opposed to when I used to wake up with him before, he'd run up in the bed with us.

Dad, wake up, I'm so excited. Oh my God. Wife's gonna blow you right there. Let's not get carried away. And now it's four minutes until a good morning. I mean, I know it doesn't sound like a lot to you because you have nothing in your life that you're connected to.

Nothing. But the thing is... Four minutes, I've been waiting my whole life for a good morning. But you're gonna get it someday. Right. And it's gonna fuck you up. Right.

It's gonna fuck you up. This time right now, waking up alone, or you're over here getting your ass pussy in the West Village, what'd you call him? Your dick? I'm getting my lover. This time right now, waking up alone, or you're over here getting your ass pussy in the West Village, what'd you call him? Your dick? What'd you? I'm getting my lover.

Your lover, you call him? I'm getting my cock sucked. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Did you get your cock? Yeah, so now I'm alone, I don't have that. I don't have a spawn. Which is a good time.

This is the funny time. Yes, it is. This is when you're fucking, you're your best. Because you have nothing, you have nothing you give a fuck about except funny. I know. And dick. It is pretty awesome.

Right? Yeah. Right, let's, I wanna have sex and I wanna do shows. You wake up, you're like, I got a show tonight, it's gonna be lit. That's it. Gonna do stuff before that. Show's gonna be great.

But then you have a kid and you get this love in your life and it fucks you up. Did it make you more conservative? I've had people say, having a kid made me wanna know more about the world and made me more into conspiracies. No, I'm probably the same way I was. I don't care, here's a little saying,

you might take this with you on the road. Maybe write this down. Oh, you know what? Call a puzzle company and make it into a puzzle exactly. I worry about my world not the world Let's go. Let's go. I like that. Yeah, you like that too. I I only I think this shit that all this stuff that's happening has happened for a Thousands and thousands of years. Yeah and if you sit there you can worry about this shit forever and get involved and learn the facts and pick a side

and blah, blah, blah, and you can be the smart, and then a fucking, you know, a car hits you and you're done. You're done. And you, you know. And what'd you do? Yeah, I worry about coming home and fucking hanging with my kid.

Last night I got home, it was kinda fun last night. He just got back from Jiu Jitsu. I just got home as they pull up. And he's still got his gi on and he's got his mouthpiece in. And he goes, Dad, come here. And I go, what? And he goes, just come over here.

And he walks on the front lawn. He goes, come here for a second. And he puts his mouthpiece in. And I was like, fuck. Here we go. He wants to fight. So we fought on the front lawn he goes come here for a second and he puts his mouthpiece in I was like fuck here we go he wants to fight. He hits it at the mat. So we fought on the front lawn. Yeah?

Yeah. Did you take him out? Um I would I mean look he's getting strong. You're not that strong if your son isn't concussed after you. No I threw him on the ground and I heard him a little bit which I felt bad. You know what I mean because I had to throw him. You had to throw him. I didn't cry he went ah

And then I go you already goes. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I'm fine. So but it's it's coming Yeah, well, he's taller than you. He's my height. Yeah, it's common. He's about to whoop your ass It's common you're about to have a domestic But I'm not a dispute but that's the thing that too and you know guys like fuck you Let's you know, I'll beat the shit out of you you Yeah, you might but if you think we're squaring off Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm not fighting fair at all. Oh, yeah, I would never fight fair in a street fight You're going right for the dick. I'm gonna suck his dick. I'm going to suck his dick. Not my son, but like like Hypothetical like if I was to fight Danny, I'm gonna suck your dick Yeah, that's how I win.

And he's just gonna go, as the cum king, he's just gonna... Oh! He's gonna... Oh! He's gonna come out like Jell-O. He's gonna raise the white flag. You win again, Bobby. We're just off on a...

I mean, this is a problem with you, Mads. What? Is it a problem? Or is it a solution? Maybe it's the answer. Exactly. Maybe... So what's going on with you?

You on the road? Now I start hosting. I'm done. I'm done. This weekend's my last weekend. I have like three more shows for the summer. Oh yeah? Yeah.

You're taking it easy? I told you. That's great. I did comedy seven nights a week for 20 years. Well I don't know if you're still trying to make money. I make money, but I make enough. Right, yes. Yes, I could go and make way a lot of money in the summer,

but my kid's gonna be fucking 15, This is the difference between you and arenas. If you were out there every night, it would be Bobby Kelly live at Scotiabank arena. Yeah, I know. Bobby Kelly live and MSG. Make sure you name it. MSG. All right. Boston. Let's do the Boston. Boston. Okay. The Boston garden. The TD garden. The TD. Sold out six shows. Let's do two. Okay. Two shows. Make it unrealistic. No, no. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Say one. Let's just do one. Okay. One. One for now. You were like. Let's do two. Okay, two shows. Let's make it unrealistic. No, no, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Say one, let's just do one. Okay, one.

One for now. You were like, let's do two. I know, but you got me up six, now you're fucking crazy. Okay, I like to dream big. All right, I don't wanna dream that big. Who the fuck does that? Okay, so one show, one show at the garden. One show, I mean fucking Billy Joel does one.

Right. I'm gonna do fucking six. But Billy Joel is in fear. I'm not Pearl Jam. You could be though. I don't wanna be Pearl Jam, I'd like to be like, I don't know, hmm. The Google Dolls.

The Google Dolls? Maybe the Foo Fighters. Those motherfuckers are doing the garden. All right, you don't know that. Eight shows. They could do one. Eight shows, they're gonna run. Yeah.

Buffalo, shout out, Google Dolls. Do you wanna do like that? Is that how big you wanna get? I wanna have sold out weekends. Just club weekends, yeah. I mean I'm happy with that. That's my current thing. I can't look beyond that.

Yeah, some weekends you're like wow, that was fire. Yes, it does actually. What feels the best is when you're like, I don't know about this weekend, and the first show you get there is like sold out. You're like, you know, full. You're like, it's pretty cool. Yeah, I love that you switched it up to full.

Yeah, like it's never a surprise sold out. It's like pretty full. It's because you looked into another comic's eyes. Yeah. You're not talking to like some interviewer. You went sold out and you looked at me and you went, you know, full. Full, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looks good. Yeah, full, you know. The room looks good. Third tier is open, but that's full to me. Recession, full of fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks good. Yeah, full, you know. The room looks good. Third tier is open, but that's full to me. Recession, fucking sold out. It's a weird thing because clubs used to take out, clubs invested in the show and the comedians, right?

They used to take out ads in the paper. They would have mailing lists, and they would do radio spots. They would pay radio companies to bring their comics in every week. So every week, that radio show would get who's coming into whatever club that is. So basically, back in the day, if you were doing the road, shows would be pretty well sold, no matter what.

You could go on a radio show and sell 200 tickets on a Friday or a Thursday. You go in on a Wednesday night or a Thursday night and do one radio spot or a couple right and you can sell 200 300 tickets Yeah, and sell that fucker out right because everybody's in the car listen everybody's in the car and now what are they doing? They're listening to serious xm I'm on that god damn it. They're listening to They're listening to... They're listening to that Paul Verzi podcast. Fuck, you're on that too.

I'm on that too. Yeah. No, but it's changed. Here's what changed, social media. Now they put it on the comedian to, you know, and it sucks because you have to learn, you know, it was weird because I learned MySpace. MySpace was like, MySpace was nuts. I still think MySpace was better than all of them.

Yeah, I mean, if it got Dane Cook into selling out arenas, seems pretty fire. Wow, I mean, Dane Cook, listen, that's not what happened. Well, that's the lore. That's not the lore. I mean, yeah, I have the lore. You bring up MySpace, everyone goes, Dane Cook. No, it was Comedy Central put millions of dollars

behind his releasing his album. Yeah, true. What the fuck are you talking about? No, it was MySpace. There's nothing bigger than television. It was MySpace. At Comedy Central, it was Dane Cook, Mitch Fattel, Dave Attell, Greg Giraldo, and Lewis Black.

Those are the only five comics that had record deals with Comedy Central. Comedy Central at its biggest, biggest. And he's one of the five. And they put millions behind promoting him in tower records. All the record stores had a fucking Dane, you know what I mean? Along with what he did by releasing his stuff for free

on Napster. You know, that's what he did. But you don't just go, you know, I mean, but now people go on social media, do a TikTok about french fries, and sell out the fucking, they're probably all week. It's a weird thing. Live. H-shows sold out. This newborn baby. H-shows full. Yeah. Full. H-shows looking good. H-shows

not bad. You know what I would love to do? One show a night, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, different places. Fire. One show a night. One show a night. Sell it out. Like go to this town, 300 people. Go to that town, 300 people. Go to that town, 300 people. Door deal. I get this, you get alcohol, food, whatever you get. You got it all.

I want none of it. I just want this much of the door. Sounds fire. You could get 10, 15K. Probably more for you cuz you're so nice yeah I know be so nice three different spots I know you know I get so sick of a club if you do a five-show weekend oh my god five shows in you're like I have three fucking shows left I'm going to kill myself well it's like yeah you do

that you do like the first you do the Thursday or the Friday and you're like fuck and it sucks cuz when you have that good one on Friday, you're like, fuck, and that was good. You're like, fuck, I gotta do it again. How am I, I wanna show this tape from the first show and say, enjoy. This is what happened. Well, that is the thing about doing a theater,

you do one. I know, it seems awesome. Yeah, but you don't make as much money as a club. Yes, you do. Yes, theater. You could, you make just as much, but. Well you gotta add that second show. You gotta add that second show, you take everything home.

I love how you get really ghetto, cause you know that's the only thing that works for me. Ghetto. It's the only time I listen to women. Yeah, hey Bobby, get over here. That's the only time I listen to my wife when she's like, yo motherfucker. Motherfucker, I'm gonna suck your dick. Well, I wish you would say that, get over here. That's the only time I listen to my wife when she's like, yo motherfucker. Mother fucker, I'm gonna suck your dick.

Well, I wish you would say that, god damn it. I know, I keep referencing her sucking you off and each time you're like, I wish. I know, I gotta get something. Yeah. Yeah, I'm starting to fantasize about people on the train. You ever done that? You know, yeah, yeah.

You know, if I meet a couple, I'll picture them fucking. Do you do that? I know, what? You know, if someone's like, this is my boyfriend, I'm immediately like, picture them fucking. Really? You don't do that?

No, I'm gonna now. If it's like a dude and a hot chick, I'm like, damn, I bet they fuck. Really? You don't do that? No. Wow, I'm a pervert. No, you're not a pervert.

Look, I have, I will see a girl on the train, like today I took the train down. I'll see some girl on the train and I will have a literally a whole lifetime of romance and sex with her by the time we get to Grand Central. By the time you get to Grand Central, she's not sucking your dick again? No, we're like.

God, you. Yeah, she's my grumpy wife. Yeah. Yeah, I've had like romance. I'll tell you one of her fucked up story. Yeah. I don't know, romance. I'll tell you, wanna hear a fucked up story? Yeah. I don't know if I ever told this to any, but I was on the train one time

and I was into this energy. I was, what was the book I read? What was the book about energy? God something. Okay. I forget, there was a book about energy and how everything is connected. Yeah.

And we have these. The universe type of shit. So I was like, I was a book about energy and how everything is connected. And we have these. The universe type of shit. So I was like, I was sitting on the train. I was trying to use my orange beam of energy. Of course. And there was a girl. For a pussy. Yes, exactly.

My God's beam. Motherfucker read The Secret and he's like, I'm gonna get some box. Was it The Secret? Was it The Secret? I don't know. Secret's all about abundance. If I had a producer that would,

as I'm talking about it, and camping about it, he would be looking up a book about God, and then he would chime in. But he's so worried about his little quips. No, I know. His little fucking cunt quips. Because we made fun of him, and now he's been silent. Can one of you fuck faces look up the book

I'm talking about? Hello? I can't hear you. I feel alone. Joe's looking it up. Thank you. Thank you. Joe, could you do it without alone. Joe's looking it up. Thank you. Thank you.

Joe, could you do it without your face? Look at his posture. I know. It fucking stinks. Did you find it? Spolio's a city. Anyways. Okay, so you're gonna be like 4,000 books about it.

Yeah. No, there's not. It's a book about God, the God something. The artist's way. No. It's a book about, anyways. Okay, The artist's way. No. It's a book about, anyways. Okay, so you had an orange beam. So you saw Hot Chick.

So it's about everything has like energy. You went up to her and started talking about this? No, no, no. That's always fun. No, I was sitting on the train and like you're her and I'm me and I was throwing my orange beam of energy. Yeah. I was trying to like give it to her and I said okay, if she gets off the next stop, this doesn't work.

But if she stays, that means I got something going. She didn't. I did that for like three stops. And then I go, okay. Then I'm like, okay, here it is. We had two stops till my stop. I go, if she gets off at my stop, that means I'm making this happen.

I'm connected to her sexually and energy-wise. wise. Yeah. And she gets the next stop she gets up to get off and I just really threw my beam. I was like, yeah, I was like, through your fat throbbing beam. She sits down. She gets up to go. Oh my God. She sits back down. Your beam came over. Sit down. I'm like, sit down. And then, so I'm like, okay, if she gets off, the next stop is 97th Street and Lex. If she gets off there, my beam is working. Yeah. I get up, she gets up.

Okay. She gets off at my stop. I'm like, oh my God. So as she's walking, I go, excuse me. And she starts to walk. She takes you? She walks a little faster. Yeah. And I'm like, excuse me, and then she kind of starts going up, and she gets up the stairs.

I'm like, hey, can I, she starts running. I'm chasing her. Bobby! I'm going, no, no, no! No! I just, my, my... My beam! My beam!

I want to put my beam in your ass. She started running. She thought I was assaulting her or something. Yeah. But I just was, I thought we were connected. Right, because you read a book on energy. Yeah, well suppose God, God energy. Yeah.

You get the book yet? There's a thousand books called God energy. Well, name two of them, fuckface. I'd be running away from you screaming. No, you wouldn't. You'd turn around and fucking start making out with me, you dirty slut. Then you'd have a place,, you have a place to crash in the West Village and in Westchester. Boom! Let's go!

Name two. Two? Yeah. Alright. This is the problem with these guys. They see a problem and they give up. It's like they have no drive. No, they give up. The real God.

What is it? Energy is the real God. No. Nope. I am the energy. No. Nope. I am the energy. No. No. Divine energy.

No, divine, maybe divine is in the thing. Let them, the let them theory. The law of divine. No, it's a book about the planet, and everything is together. Everything, everywhere, all at once. You better find it by the end of this show. Theory of everything, Stephen Hawking.

Me and Maggie are gonna make you eat our ass. It's Maddie. Maddie. Mads, Mads. Yeah, me and Boggy. Maddie, Maddie Smith. All right, listen, Maggie. Yeah.

Come on. It's funny. You're funny. I love the bit. I love you. Oh my God. No, we can never be together. Oh why, because you're saying no? I'm's why. I'm too old for you. You have too much energy. You have too much energy Yeah, but it's fine. We're like Bob Vilicek and his girl Phil Vilicek and his girlfriend

What about everyone saying who's this young whore with Bobby Bobby is not not Bobby's not okay. She's taking his finances Take your finances. What are you crazy? Yeah, you're gonna have mine. You make more money than me. No, combined we have a credit score of fair. I think if we combined our forces, we could sell out an arena. Yeah.

What if we did this, ready? What if we got five, ten comedians that sell okay at clubs. Okay. And we put all our forces together to do the... Fully loaded tour? No.

No. No. No. No. No. You're onto something. So yeah, we put a show together. No.

It's over. You can take your shirt off. It's over. I'm not gonna take my shirt off. You're on the machine. No, I'm a broken machine. He's still taking his shirt off too, that's why. I know. It's crazy. It's over, I'm not gonna take my shirt off. You are the machine. No, I'm a broken machine. He's still taking his shirt off too, that's why. I know.

It's crazy. It's crazy. You can't go back now. No. No, it's a thing. No, you have to do your whole special with your shirt off. Yeah, he has to stay a certain type of fatness too. Yeah.

Or it doesn't work. Yeah, he's like a plus size model. Yeah, cause if he gets- Like don't lose too much weight. If he gets shredded, it's gonna be like, ah, fuck you. Fuck you, yeah. But if he he gets shredded, it's gonna be like, nah, fuck you. Fuck you, yeah. But if he gets too fat, it's gonna be like, come on.

Yeah, you're disgusting. Yeah, like Jelly Roll lost a lot of weight and he said, next year when I do this 5K, I'm gonna take my shirt off. And I was like, please don't. Please don't, yeah. Nah, dude, leave that. Yeah, I beg of you.

Unless you take care of it. Yeah. Unless you do that. He's huge, so. Big guy. A guy like that loses weight. Lotta left. Lot. Lot left. Yeah. I'm so glad that didn't happen to me. Me too. While you lost weight. Yeah. How fat were you? Yeah. It's 200. What? Bitch. Yeah.

I'll fucking slap you with a hair. Oh yeah. When were you? 200. Fucking meat bag. Did we talk about this before? I don't know if we did. When I was in college, my junior year, I lost a lot of weight unhealthfully obviously cocaine No, just eating disorder same thing. Are you threw up? No, why how'd you lose it? Just not eating a lot and running six miles a day. So you had some 1200 calories sounds healthy That sounds like what most diets are I know right? Well, why is that wise? But it was a lot at once. It was a lot of once really and then I was stressed senior year I gained it all back.

Gained it all back in like three months. Oh my god. My skeleton was dying. That's not good for your heart. I know. I went up from 125 to 200 in like a year. It was insane. That's crazy.

People will be like, I didn't recognize you. I'm like, why not? How many guys stopped talking to you? A lot. You know what's crazy? A little experiment, lose a lot of weight as a woman. You'll see how fucking shallow men are. Yeah.

I lost a lot of weight, all these guys are flirting with me. Well, hey, let's back up a little bit. Yeah. Gain a lot of weight as a fucking man, and watch how many women fucking ignore you. Really? I think women are like, oh, he's cute.

Oh, girl. He's zaddy, like, he makes me feel small. No, I mean, they probably do. He's so huge, dad bod. No, I mean, they probably do. He's so huge, dad bod. No, I'm talking about white girls. Oh yeah. Ew. You're also talking about a different level of fat.

What do you mean? Like, I think jelly roll fat girls aren't into. It's not jelly roll. They're into like, I'm into jelly rolls. Me too. I love a jelly roll. So you think jelly roll, fat, well he's got a

smoking hot wife. But he's also rich and famous. That level of fat without his... His wife is hot as fuck. So take away the rich and the fame and he doesn't get the hot as fuck wife. No. Really? I don't know, you never know. Do you know you look look like, Danny? Who do, yeah, I'm not great. No, do you know who you look like, Famous? Jared from Subway? Nope. Yes, but no. Someone told me I sound like Woody Allen to this guy.

Oh, God. I mean, I say look. Who do I look like? McAfee. Who? From the antivirus software? No, James. Pat McAfee?

Pat McAfee. Bring up Pat McAfee? No, James. Pat McAfee? Pat McAfee. Bring up Pat McAfee. What? Bring up Pat McAfee. Just to close it. I'm telling you, Danny and Pat McAfee have the same face. What?

Watch. No. Watch. He's going to bring up Pat McAfee because I'm back into wrestling and McAfee is, I mean, he's just probably one of the best announcers to ever get into he's so good he's so awesome Danny looks like Danny come over here Danny come here what absolutely not 100% you're gonna see it you're gonna see it. Absolutely not.

You're gonna see it. No way, dude. Watch, come here. Sit right here in front of my camera. Do you have a camera on you? Okay, all right, look. Look, put, get down, get down. Get down, take your glasses off.

Just look straight at her. Make that face. Look down on your brows. Oh, God. Oh, he can't. Now look down over your brow, make that face. That does not look like him. At all, God. Oh, he can't. Now look down over your brow. Make that face. That does not look like him. At all, dude. You.

Maybe the nose, like the nose. It's the same fucking, look it right here. Look at the face. This nose. It's the same. Point to it. It's the same guy. I could see.

Have some bread. It's the same guy. You, I'm telling you. Yeah. I mean, I don't make. That's cool, Danny. Look it. I know I'm insulting one person and I'm complimenting another.

Right. I'm insulting one person and I'm complimenting another. Right. I'm insulting one person and I'm complimenting another. Right. I'm insulting you. I mean, I don't make. Look it, I know I'm insulting one person and I'm complimenting another. We're not gonna say which one is which, because I don't want to offend anybody. Let's just say Pat would be pissed. One of them would be mad.

Danny feels great. I mean, I'm telling you, you don't think he looks like him? Like the nose and the mouth shape maybe. Buddy, I mean, it looks just like him. No, it's a stretch for sure. Even Danny's like absolutely not. If you gave Danny like a Captain American serum, if you gave Danny Captain American serum,

that's who he'd become. Yeah, if you justified him. Yes, if you gave him the juice, Pat McAfee right there. Yeah, if you gave him the juice, Pat McAfee, right there. Yeah. Yeah, if you were a sexy man. Yeah, if, if, if, big if, big if, then yeah. Is that what you gave Rosebud?

No, yeah. Oh, do you want some? No, it looks like piss. No, it's not. This is me when I get a UTI. Hi, where do I put this? I gave Rosebud. We had a hot, like warm bone broth.

No, stay there for the rest of the show. Yeah. Right there. No, come here. Stay there for the rest of the show. No, you have to stay. Sit down. Bobby's uncomfortable with my presence.

I love your presence. Oh, really? Yeah. She was on the show, and I had a hot bone broth and a little thermos. I go, here, try that. She goes, what is that? I goes, my piss.

Ew. But after she drank it, she almost threw up. God, I love a bone broth. I do love a lot of protein in there I love a bone a lot of my jizz has a lot of protein. Yes. It does it does I heard it was nine grams a teaspoon It's better than Greek yogurt. What the fuck you gonna do with your life. What do you I don't know Bobby? That's the problem now you're doing drugs. Yeah, so many drugs you Yeah, so many drugs. You're doing so many drugs. You're smoking, vapes. Yeah. You smoking cigarettes?

No, no, no. Just vape. I just like... Once in a while you'll whap a cigarette? No, I never got into cigs. Okay, so vaping, drugs, alcohol. No. No booze.

No, I don't drink. Why? Because I black out. Nice. Because I go to parties saying I'm going to be here for 20 minutes and then I black the fuck out. And you wake up in a van. Yeah. In Guatemala.

I'm in a van in Guatemala. And you have to make your way back. And I'm getting deported with all the other ones. Right. I'm like no. So now, and you do that and you're liking good sex, you're sexy. Yeah.

I love good sex. That's it. Bro, I'm a fucking loser. Shows and- Shows? I asked you to do my podcast and now I'm on yours again. How did that even happen? I gotta do yours.

What is going on here? Yours is at Mike's place on 38th. It's at Gas Digital, brother. Ah, that's why I don't wanna do it. That's why, okay, we'll do a different one. We'll do it here. We'll do it in here. It's so far over the East Village

Gas digital nine minutes over there nine minutes over there. It's a suck walk. I'll get your uber. All right, listen I'm gonna do it in the next couple weeks. All right. Okay, Jim Florentine's on this week. Are you jealous? No, that's why would you hate it? It's gay. Yeah It's gay. Yeah, I'm gonna I'll stick it to you. All right. Well, we had fucking who? Big big guests who they get fucking Lewis Didn't you have Carlin on a couple weeks ago? Carlin was on your Carlin and that we just Sarah Carlin on Sarah Carlin and we just booked prior prior. Yeah. Really? He's coming on this summer. Palm for that. That'll be fun.

That'll be fun. Such a good guy. Yeah, Pryor. He's so funny. He just like says, I don't know, he just says how it is, you know? Do you know Pryor's son got fucked in the ass? Oh, fuck Sam Kinnison in the ass.

Really? Yeah. Let's go. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Yeah, all those guys were like bisexual. I know. That's weird.

I mean, yeah. Hollywood. I think they were- Hollywood. Doing drugs and fucking everything. I'm telling you right mean, yeah. Hollywood. I think they were. Hollywood. Doing drugs and fucking. I'm telling you right now, Hollywood, if you look at all, there's a list of. It's weird.

A list of people. I mean, look what's happening with P Diddy. I mean, all the stuff that's going on right now. To think that hip hop, most of hip hop behind the scenes, is gay. I know. Is crazy. It's crazy.

It's like they're just just and they're hiding it from us. You ever meet a rapper? Uh yeah. Who? DJ Gaziz. DJ Gaziz? Gaziz. Oh boy. Is he a Jewish rapper? No I've met um. He just had Sagalawan yesterday. Yeah. Sag Daddy. Sag Daddy. Sag Daddy's rapping. I met um what's his name from run DMC? Okay, what's his name run? No, who was it one of the guys? Yeah? Yeah? But he's old school. He doesn't have gay vibes. No, he's a fun new ones have like no I know, but you're getting manicures and the like P. Diddy and all that whole crew all those people Banging it out. I know look at Justin Bieber, he's losing it.

I know, what happened to him? Probably because he was, you know. Do you think he had sex with men, or do you think he just had sex with women too early? That fucked him up. I think he was getting tossed around. I think they were passing him, like he was a blunt around, yeah.

Is it worth it? Absolutely. Is it too late now to say sorry? You have a good voice. Thanks. That was the first time I ever sang. I didn't even know I had that in me. You think that's what Justin said to Pete Ily? I didn't even know it was in me. So sad. Yeah it is. What was I didn't even know it was him. And, so sad. Yeah, it is. What was he, 14, 15? He was young. And he was a Canadian YouTuber.

And then Usher found him, probably gave him herpes. Well, Usher was the same guy. They sent Usher to what's his name's house. I mean, these guys just were sent there by the industry. I know. And nobody is going to take, P. Diddy is gonna take the fall for all of them. Yeah, he'll probably kill himself in jail.

Blah blah blah. He won't. He won't. No, I mean R. Kelly's still alive. True. Right? At least he was doing it, like, I mean. Robert Kelly is still alive.

No, not that guy. He's not, he's dead inside. It's so crazy. It's crazy. Like, rock and roll was never gay. No, but they were fucking teenagers. Yeah, you know they were. Every Beatles song, she was just 13. Not 13. She was tight as you dream. No, that's true. They want them tight. You don't want them loose. But rappers gay. Yeah. Weird. I mean they're very into. And every, and there's a lot, like a lot of Hollywood

people have trans kids. I'm telling ya. True. I mean I. Well you know that could be, you know. I got a thing. If you're raised by a really rich, connected, creative person, I'd probably be sitting around thinking

maybe I'm a dude. I was thinking that with my mom who works in HR But is it a thing do you think it's let me see if I got this did you think it's a do you actually think it's? something to do with Them being rich and being famous that makes it so these kids are trans I Think rich famous and then you're around a lot of different, you're probably exposed to more trans people. So then you're like, maybe I'm, I'm a dude too.

I just think it's- I'm a chick, I'm a dude. I think it's fucking crazy. Same way like, famous people are just, you know, famous couples are probably just swinging and dudes are, like Leonardo DiCaprio is probably fucked. Kids, dudes, chicks. dudes are like Leonardo DiCaprio is probably fucked kids dudes chicks now do you think this is true because this is That's what I got I got fat bitch pussy

Fabric is got the warmest pussy. That's what I got Cardi B, fat bitch pussy. Now is that true? Do you think fat bitches got the warmest pussy? Yes I do. Because I've been fat and I've been skinny. So your pussy was- When I was fat that shit was meaty.

It was what? That shit was meaty. I don't know if- Okay. I don't know if- Swallowing. I mean I don't know if that's- Like a sweating Venus fly trap.

Is that what they're saying? That it's- Yeah. It's meaty? It's warm. You ever fuck a skinny chick? Yes. That's a cold pussy. Yeah, it is a cold pussy. Fat chick. I, for, one of the second girls

who I used to bang was fat. Yeah. Yeah. She was a fat little short-haired blonde girl. She was just big round, just this round girl. Yeah. And I remember she was so good. Yeah. Yeah, she was great. That's why when guys are like, fuck fat bitches,

I'm like, they got the best pussy. Yeah. I like a proportioned fat woman. OK, yeah. Classic. I don't want like a jelly roll fat woman. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I want stuff. You want it to make sense. I want it to kind of all hang in there. Like, you know, if she's supposed to be curvy. She's curvy. Yeah, some bitches are supposed to be yeah You know like when a curvy bitch who's naturally curvy gets on those M pic like that's weird Yeah, because that's just what they look like yeah, and now they are just falling off their bones Yeah, I like all kinds. I do like a skinny girl. I've had skinny girls. Yeah. Yeah a little no boobs I don't know why it's so hot little tiny nips. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I need them tall though

You can't have small Right, I know too scary. I know you like a tall thin girl. You know what? I really like athletic ugly Okay, I like that. What like WNBA kind of No More like track and field. Yeah, like WNBA kind of? No, more like track and field. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I like athletic, ugly is hot to me. Like in shape, busted face kind of? I don't know, not busted, but yeah, you know, just dumb face. You know what I mean? A dumb Irish girl from fucking Cape Cod face. Yeah, that's hot. You know what I mean? That's hot, yeah.

On New Hampshire, mid New Hampshire face. Yeah, some shot putter You know what I mean? That's hot, yeah. On New Hampshire, mid-New Hampshire face. Yeah, some shot putter. Yeah, with like a great body. Love that. I love when I'm in a hotel with some track and field college things there. I love that. Where they're legal.

You know what I mean? I don't have to worry about it, but they get these sick. I can look. Just great asses and like sweatpants and shorts. Right, right. But they get a stupid face. Stupid face. Just a dumb face with the hairs pulled back

in a ponytail and they're just goofy. Hey, how much for the... Can I put this on my room? Yeah, like a Caitlin Clark kind of vibe. Yeah, I just want to pick it out. I got it, take it. What? Take it, I'll take it.

I'll get you snacks, girl. Okay, yeah, you get it. They're like, thanks, you're weird. Are you my friend's dad? See, that hurts. That hurts. But you know, you have to keep putting out that energy beam. That day my energy beam died.

Yeah. I never used my energy. Let me see if I can use it on you right now. Okay. Oh! Yeah. Did it work? Yeah, it just forced me to put my mouth on your dick.

What if I made you just- That was crazy. Made you blow Danny while you called him Pat McAfee. Oh my God. That is some coercive energy. Did you hear that stuff that happened with Barstool? Yes. What the fuck, the Jews thing?

Are you not supposed to say that? Monetization. I don't understand why, so the story is the bar, they're at a bar where you do the sparklers and the sign. And you can have a sign that says anything. So why would the bar put that on there? Why would you whisper in someone's ears, can you write fuck the Jews and, oh yeah, sure. Well, it was apparently a Muhammad something. That could probably tip you off. It was a Mohammed. His name was Mohammed

I believe really and he thought it to him. It's funny. Right now he he probably You know fuck the Jews is like hilarious. Yeah, like, you know black people saying now that honky motherfucker that right bitch down or Chris Farley and Tommy Boyd, Kill Whitey. Yeah, but it's, Dave Portnoy went off. Oh yeah. Went off. He said he's sending them to Auschwitz. He's giving them a trip to Auschwitz.

Is he? So they can learn, yeah. Is he really? Yeah. He's like, here's what I'm gonna do. You guys send me some message sign, I'll send you two trips to Oslo. Yeah, but what's that gonna do? They're gonna vlog it.

They're probably gonna vlog it and say this shit's dumb. Well he came back, the kid was crying at first and then he came back and just took a stance. He was like, you know what? And he took a pro-pal, the Israelis are doing this and that and genocide. I always gotta bring it back to Israel, right? I don't know. No one wants the Jews to have a state.

I'm so glad I'm a comic and I don't have to fucking. Me too. I'm a fucking idiot. Well, it's, I don't think you're an idiot, but it's just like I said, it's like, what are we supposed to do? I know. We you're an idiot, but it's just like I said, it's like what are we supposed to do? I know just to learn learn the reason I got into this business

So I didn't have to fucking do it me too shit. It's the easiest job in the world But I look at it. I say that that looks like an easy job. Let's go. I do pick Israel Bobby I'm look at the comedy seller. I know right? They're gonna shut your ass down. Yeah, there's a Jewish star in the window. I mean, yeah in the stained glass I know I'm speaking into one of the have Jewish Listen. I got it. You all right? I got it.

Okay. Jesus Christ. Keep it on the deal. Yeah. Um, yeah, I, uh, I mean, yeah. I mean, what, I'm gonna. What are you gonna do? I'm not gonna pick the losing side.

Right. You know what I mean? Hamas. Uh huh, yeah. I'm already, I mean. Rich would kill you. Well, I mean, Rich has to pick that side. He's been, you know, really, he's a Jew.

He was in the Holocaust. Did you know that? He's a survivor. He was on the cusp. Yeah. Yeah. He was actually letting the Germans know who the Jews were. Yeah, he was a little, you know, betrayer.

They're over there. Yeah, there's a whole closet of them in this house. Look under the floorboards. Look under the boards. There's a whole family of fucking Jews. It's, yeah, it's fucking weird. All the shit that's going on right now is so nuts. It's bizarre.

It's crazy. No one knows how to talk or think. It would make me, I shouldn't even say this out loud, it would make me so happy if we did go to war, but it wasn't a, like like where people were dying war, it was electronic war where we didn't have electricity. Okay. And there was no more like, no more internet.

There was no more TV. There was no more, like you couldn't look at your phone. Okay, yeah. You actually had to like talk to people. Yeah, sounds great. Where you, if you went somewhere, you had to travel, you had to, you know, either use your car or you had to walk and you had to, you know,

kind of get your food, figure it out. Yeah. We kind of became a third world country again because there was no electricity. Okay, yeah. Comedy, fame is dead. Oh we'll be doing shows. You don't need electricity for a comedy show. We'll be out in the woods. Hey everybody! You think comedy, if we went back, no electricity, everything goes away, you think there'd be,

because in like uh the Walking Dead. Yeah oh there would be shows in the Walking Dead. But there was no comedy in the Walking Dead. They had no entertainment would be shows in the walking dead, but there's no comedy in the walking Yeah, no, it's a warrant the writers were not realistic if they were in touch with what's going on They would have hey guys very comedy. So you'd be there and you'd be like, yeah guys you see those fucking zombies today Yeah, let's write some zombie. Yeah, let's write some and I'll do a show. Let's do it right now. I stand up New York It'll be fun. You're like listen listen, not for nothing, but zombie pussy, not so bad. Not so bad. You guys ever see a zombie? Hey, you guys wanna see, you wanna see,

you wanna see me fuck a zombie? Come by my house tonight. Yeah. My wife. No? That's fire. I think we're working. That's good, yeah.

Danny, you got anything? No. Wow, Danny, I mean, could you not, could you not not care that much? Can I hit your jewel? Yeah, hit my jewel. I didn't know you were a jeweler. Oh, you wanna hit my jewel?

Yeah. Sounds weird. I'm married, I'm old. Wanna hit your little gem? You know, why'd that do something? Actually did something. I didn't know you were jeweling. I don't, I don't know why I picked that up.

Christine was doing it in Nashville and I took a whack and I'm trying not to smoke cigars as much. So I did that, are you wiping it off? Yeah, so you don't get my herpes. Do you have herpes? No. Oh, not yet. I wish.

You will, you will. I wish. You'll get them. Only genital. Luckily I didn't jewel in my pussy. Oh. Stupid. I'd smell my jewel.

Oh yeah. Mm. Uh huh. Mm. So what else? What else? What else you got going on? Just getting ready for summer.

What are you gonna do this summer? I don't know, I'm like. You're gonna do shows. That's all you do. Shows, I take off August and. You take off the whole month. Yeah, well from like the road. So I'll do, you know, shows in New York and blah blah.

So you're not taking off. I like to see my family a little bit. Maybe go and get some nature upstate Rochester. They're from Buffalo. We're from Buffalo. Right. That's what Joe's from. Do you know Joe? Oh yeah. I know Joe a while. Yeah. We're at 50 minutes. I know Joe since pre-COVID. Can you bring that up on one so the guest doesn't have to see it? I don't know. I'm like TikTok on the clock. Maddie's bombing. I mean they're not bombing you. Oh, I fucking love you. Oh, so you have a bomb Yeah, what are you gonna do this summer? I'm trying to get some outdoor whether I really like being outside

I went to Maine last year fire. I have a show in Maine this summer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll come all right come on No spots. I just want to hang all right. I'll come up to Maine and hang you can do a five ten five That sounds great eight eight no five sounds perfect. I've ten. I know you guys are thinking Who's this horror? Five, that sounds great. Eight, eight? No, five sounds perfect. Five, ten? I know what you guys are thinking. Who's this whore? Where's the show? I don't know where, Portland? Portland Empire Comedy Club.

Okay. Empire Comedy Club. I usually do one in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. They got a great club there. Yes, I've heard that. That town is the best. I've heard this. I don't know why I didn't get booked there this year.

Stupid. It's ridiculous. Don't you wish you could do your own bookings and just say to clubs, hey, let's do this. No. Well, there's so many comedians now. I know. Don't you wonder what goes on behind the scenes there? No, it's none of your business. Word. You don't want to know what clubs think of you. You don't want to know why they're not booking you. You don't want to know what clubs think of you. You don't want to know why they're not booking you. You don't want to know, it could be as simple as, hey, I already booked the whole year, I fucked up. I'd love to have her back.

Or, yeah, last time she was here, people complained. Or, I don't like, you're asking too much. I don't like that bitch, yeah. Who knows? Who knows? It's none of my business. And you think you want to find out, but you don't. You don't.

You just keep it moving. Yeah. I've had clubs not work me for years, and then out of the blue they'll be like, all right, you got a gig. Right. And then maybe you come back the next year. I don't fucking know.

I don't fucking know. But if you do wanna go to a town, just find a spot. Yeah. Just go. Go find an open mic or a comic there who has a gig and say, I wanna do a 30, just go right go find you know I know an open mic or a comic there who has a gig and say I want to I want to do a third Just go yeah, just go yeah book it yourself. Yeah. Yeah, don't tell your major. I know fuck him Well back room back room. Yeah, I'm in the back room and so I come on. That's right. Yeah, that's right I chose are yeah this summer. I'm almost there

Have weekends off, but I'm gonna have weekends off but I am gonna come to the city. Yeah. Start doing spots. And now what kind of stuff are you doing? You're in New Hampshire a lot right? Fishing. Really? Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. What are you doing in a boat, dockside, fly fishing? Both. Fly fishing. All of that. You're fly fisher? Yeah. You got waders? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. All right. Yep. Psst. Psst. Psst. Getting that fucking line wet? Yeah.

Why are you going to make everything dirty? Why is that? Why? Whistle your rod. What? Stop. Get your big rod out there. Why do you stop? Danny, will you tell her to stop, Danny?

No, I'm the king of the fish jokes. Exactly. What? I'm Danny Bass. Oh, that's good's good Danny will you do Danny bass on my show once it won't work it's just bits Danny will you do it on my show no why cuz I'm not gonna do my act you do you go you do five minutes of your act act yeah act let's settle down with the fucking big words I will call

it a bit. We're not gonna call it an act. How about a skit? You put a fish helmet on and you do a bowl, you do a bit in front of a bowl. Motherfucker's calling it an act. What if I get a cup of water? No, that's implied, you would need the cup of water. It doesn't work without the cup of water.

Why, because you have to keep taking sips? Yeah, that's the only thing that makes it funny. Oh, cause he's a fish. Yeah. And I don't take sips. I blow bubbles. Idiot. Oh, that's cause he's got to get the oxygen. Yeah.

And his kills. Right. Yeah. This summer is going to be great. It's going to be fun. It's going to be great. But I'm getting old, dude. No way. Yeah.

Are you 50? 54. 54. Okay. Don way. Are you 50? 54. 54. Don't say it like that. It's always the worst when somebody goes, are you 50? No, I'm actually older. Yeah, I look 50 too, right?

No, you know what, you could be 43. You'd be 43. You're out of your mind. No, you look good. I've seen some shit looking people. Do you ever eat your own boogers? Back in the day, yeah. Not anymore though.

That's why I love you. Not just pick and flick. You'll answer any question. Pick and flick? Yeah. Did you see Jelly Roll eat his booger? No, really? In nine trump at the, I think you have some.

No, I never saw that. I'll bring that up. That's awesome. I have more, people think he's disgusting. I have more respect for him. Me too, yeah. That's how hungry he is. Hot wife helps with not looking disgusting.

Oh man, that's so fucked up. He picked it, rolled it, and ate it. Ew! It was a chew. Gross. Gross. Why is it? I respect him.

Gross. Come on man, he was fucking hungry. Yeah. Was it the fucking event? Starving. Couldn't eat those carbs. It's probably been like 10 minutes since he ate. Couldn't get those pretzel bites

because he's on a diet, right? Right. Yeah, but nothing's better than that little spicy little booger that little salty pasty treat from God. Yeah, you go You ready right behind Elon any jelly in that roll and right behind Donald Trump ready here Pick pick roll Ready, pick, pick, pick, roll, eat it! Eat it! I almost just threw up in my mouth. Oh! Ew!

I mean, not only is he a, that's a professional booger eater. Yes it is. Cause he picked it, rolled it. He jelly rolled it. Made it into a little sandwich. Yes. He did and then he Chewed it chewed mmm little sauce a treat you gross right? What are you gonna do? It's fucking nasty? Well listen I love that you came on. I'm gonna come on your show Yeah, you know where we got the chance. I'm gonna say why you gonna say it like that talk about how freaking oh

I'm I only got three weekends left. Motherfucker left me on red. Three, three, did I? Oh yeah. No, I didn't. I texted you, I was like, hey, it's Maddie. Did not Maddie. Yes, I did. Maddie, we just became friends.

Really? Search your text, maybe it says Maggie, cause I get confused now. I actually did think it was Maggie, and I don't like me. That's crazy. Yeah. Literally everyone knows who I am.

So Meg. What happened. Exactly. What are you doing? Here we go. All right. Ready. Maggie. Here you go. Ready. Search Maddie. M.A.D.D.Y.

And you said Maggie. Yeah. I was joking because. Oh my God. Stay in the improv. Are, I was joking, because, oh my God. I'm joking. Stay in the improv. Aren't you on that show that there's a lot of improv? All right, the black improv show. Maddie, here we go.

Okay. Maddie Dominguez. Maddie, Maddie. Okay, I got it. Got it. Yeah. My lonely text. I'm gonna be mad. Okay, I got it. Got it. Yeah. My lonely text. I'm fucking in.

I thought you, I thought you were fine. No you didn't. Yeah. No you literally didn't. Yeah, show is definitely off. Because I saw you last week after I did Feeny's pod and you're like, I gotta come do the pod. Yeah, okay.

I'm coming. I'm doing it. What are we gonna talk about? Do we have to go to gas? You don't wanna go to gas? I'll go I'll go to gas. I don't get I was kidding. I don't care about that I only say things like that because I know like that will get back to Lewis and he'll sum up the fuck you say I'm a book house. It's a good studio doggy doggy doggy doggy It's the best fucking studio better better than your studio your studio stinks studio Everybody else is steals mine's the best. I wrote a book.

I wrote a book about it. He did write a book. Yeah, I know. Is that crazy? Yeah. Isn't it a weird song? Wait, I saw that. I said, Luis wrote a book.

Am I fucking up? He also announced his book the same day Luis CK announced his book. Yes, he did. Which was a really bad business decision. Luis CK announced, like dust bullshit. Is it bad or is it good? It's unique.

Because people are confusing it now. Maybe the people are picking up. Louis C.K., Louis J. They're picking up they're wrong. Yes they are. And they're gonna promote. Now let's have a bet, whose book's gonna be better? I think they were gonna go crazy for Spoons and Knives.

You think so? Because they think it's Louis C crazy for spoons and knives. You think so? Because they think it's Louis C.K.'s book. I would promote it as Louis' book. Right, Louis' book, yeah. Louis' book. Did you read Louis' book? I would actually name it, spoons and knives, just call it Louis' book. Right.

Louis' book. Exactly. Yeah. And put a silhouette of a guy jerking off. Yeah, he put a silhouette of a guy jerking off. Yeah, he wrote a book. It's crazy to me because I wrote a book. Okay. I actually, we had to write it.

We wrote, like me, Burr, and DeRosa split chapters up to write and had to go write it and then send it to an editor and they formed this book for us. Right. But I can't picture Louis sitting down in front of a computer writing. I can't picture him sitting down to begin with.

I can't. So I guess he had a ghost writer. Right, who probably he talked to and then the person formed the story. Which is a lot of people do that. Oh yeah, every celebrity not saying Louis is a celebrity. But I'll be reading Louis' book. I mean, I hope it explodes.

I hope it gets him on the view. I hope he's on the view, yeah. I hope he has to change, like he has to quit skanks because his success. Me too. Is like, listen, we wanna make you the next big thing. We have a show for you, but we can't have you doing the show.

Right, so you have to quit, you have to go clean. You have to go and he goes, sorry doggies, I gotta go. Yeah. The biz is calling. The biz is calling, big book tour. Right. Big sorry. And they replace him with Justin Silva. Boom.

That would make me so angry. Boom, sounds great. All right, well listen, I'm coming on your show soon. Okay. Thanks for coming on the pod. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having a little chat with me. Amazing.

I love you. Love you. And where you gonna be? Oh, you know, I'm coming to Naples. I'm coming to Florida. Oh, Comedy Dojo, shout out Danny. Shout out Danny for booking me. He doesn't seem excited.

I sent him texts. Oh, I'm so stoked. That I'm excited and he's like, sounds good. Danny's not. He has no spice whatsoever. No, he has no spice and he has no life. He has no fucking life. No, and someday, you know, I mean look,

I have two guys that helped me produce this show that really aren't like good people. I recently got into poker. I went from only doing comedy for the past eight years to playing poker twice a week, and it's the only thing I've enjoyed in eight years other than comedy. I feel like that's not good. I hope you make money at it.

Yeah, he needs something. I hope you make money at it and you become like a professional poker player and you have to move to Vegas. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, have fun. And it's just, you know who takes over? I hope that, what's that kid's name that works here? Zach, no, Pete. Zach. Zach, Zach, Zach. Zach, what? I thought it was Pete for a second. All right, so make sure you check her out at punchup.live slash. Maddie Smith. Punch up, join my email list.

I just started. I'm a fucking idiot. How great is that? This motherfucker got a whole weekend at the dojo. Oh. Who? You did. Yeah, yeah.

I got a one-nighter. Yeah. Go get that kid. Matt, Maddie. I'm still working the circuit. Proving my worth. Look at this. Three nights sold out at the dojo.

This is your shows, Bobby. These are your shows, yeah. Oh, that's my shows. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Well, look at it. I only got three shows.

I got, I got Ben Salem, Pennsylvania, the Park Casino. Parks with an X. Parks Casino with an X because it's dirty. Gender fluid. And then Dojo, the sixth and the seventh. And then I'm in Portland, Maine, the 24th and 25th. I'm there three nights. Of July.

I'm canceling that Thursday. Yeah, that's a lot of shows, bud. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing? Rochester. That's a great way to promote, announce that you're canceling shows as your promotion. Yeah, we got five. We're going to combine them.

There's no reason for me to do a Thursday night in fucking Maine. Yeah, agreed. In the summer. Oh, yeah. You're fucking booking. Sorry. Those bitches are going to be at Acadia. Anyways, come see me at the club. Hey, if you guys are interested, I'm going be canceling my show at the port May 25th. You're canceling a show at the port? No, I'm not, I'm just saying you just announced your show.

I'm at my canceling. This is in Portland, Maine. I will not cancel the port, I love the port. I've never been to this club, Empire Comedy Club. Anyways, if that Thursday's not sold out, you get moved to Friday. Boom. I'm not dealing with that shit.

Boom, we're moving tickets. Can you make another tweet? Family emergency. I'm not dealing with that shit. Boom, we're moving tickets. Can you make another tweet? Family emergency. I'm trying to sell out five shows. Oh, we would love a push, Bobby. Can you push the shows? Can you do a front facing video announcing that you're coming to Maine?

Where are you going to be, Danny? Come see. I'm headlining the port May 25. Come see. Come. Come to that. Come. Come.

Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Joe, what do you got? I got a cheese show with my wife. I'll just be eating some cheese on YouTube. So go to YouTube and type in the cheese show.

All right. And it's the only show about cheese on there for some reason. Really? Okay, Joe, nice talking to you. I mean, these people are the worst. I have the worst producers. Okay Joe, nice talking to you. I mean these people are the worst. I have the worst producers. They have as much oof.

I mean they have no oof. Right. Yeah, it's early though. It's early. We went up early. I think we did too early. We did you too early. No, but it's fun.

Why, you think I bombed? No, we saw it. That's not as fun as fuck. You're awesome. I thought I brought the heat. You got me hard three times. Exactly. I shouldn't say that. And each time just got a little harder because you stayed hard.

It's four inches. OK, we're going to go to Patreon right now. OK. Questions from the fans. All right, let's go. Are you ready? I saw your story, yeah. All right, we guys are the players.

We also have a couple. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. We also have a couple extra that have come in since I texted you the thing. OK. So I'll ask the first. Can I have a sip of this or no?

Is that weird? You can have whatever you want. Okay. I'm just waiting for Danny to stop cutting me off. All that's the first two. Oh, that's fire. Okay, yeah, Danny, come on. Guys, can we get to it?

Danny, can you do that in the Patreon? Can I end the show, show? I thought the show was over. I thought we had- Oh, I didn't end it, Danny. Oh, okay. Danny, I didn't fucking end it. Cut this out.

Go kill yourself. Keep that in. No. Danny, I didn't fucking end it. Cut this out. Go kill yourself. Keep that in. No Danny, I'm sorry. It's early Danny. It's early. It's early. Don't kill yourself. Questions, don't kill yourself.

We need the podcast. All right listen, you guys are the best fans in the world. We're going to Patreon.com. Please go to subscribe if you're watching on YouTube. Make sure you check out us on Instagram and Twitter and all that jazz, Facebook, and listen to us on all things audio. And go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly

if you wanna support the show and get the show early, get the extra episode we do every week, and also ask questions to the guests. The only way to do that is by Patreon. So go there, right now, that's where we're going. See you over there. See you next week. You know what, dude?