Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #594 | Steph Tolev | Bobby Likes a Nose

Episode Date: July 6, 2025

This week things get wild w/ Steph Tolev straight off of her new Netflix Special "Filth Queen" Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the bomb? Damn it, man. This podcast is so fun and crazy and has no rules. God, help me, I'm ruining this. Where's the barbana, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original.

What's up everybody? It's Robert Kelly. We're back at the studios above the Comedy Cellar. It's you know what dude, YKWD, one of the first podcasts on the East Coast and we're still fucking going. Not strong, but we're going. We're still going. We're fucking the little engine that didn't, but we still are. But, I mean listen, this is the pie. We got fucking Young Bucks, we got no names, but today we got somebody. We went, I mean, we got the next motherfucker.

That's what I'm hearing, and that's what I'm seeing. Because you're, we got every, Danny, who's on the show today? We have straight off her Netflix special, Steph Tolive. What's the next Netflix special? Filth Queen. Filth Queen, which I love the name. Thank you. First of all, you're from Canada. Uh huh. For some reason, I thought you were from Boston. Cause I have a very, I have a very East coast. You have a, yeah, it's not, but it's, it's Boston. It is Boston. Cause I'm really, most people say New York and I come in here. I'm not gonna

give you a New York. I'm not gonna give you New York. I'm not gonna give you. I'm not letting New York take you. Unreal. I'm gonna say, it's definitely not fucking Canada. It ain't Toronto, Ontario. That's where I'm from. I'm also, do people watch this?

I need to explain. My mother doesn't watch this. I'm wet. I'm grand, not down there. I mean, down there I'm always wet. There's always something coming out as a woman. Excuse me. You say sup. I said there's always something coming out. Something I thought you said. Have you ever seen a woman's

underwear disgusting? I thought you said sup, which was a thing. I thought you said a thing. No, no, no. Like a sup. Like I didn't know. Like, hey, you know, sup. And I'm like, what's up? There's a thing when you're thing and that mixes and then it rains out and it's muggy and then it's sup. Ew! Yeah, that's- Ew, that would, and you put your thick thing

right in there. Yeah, sup. You put your whole hot dog coming out of the old place, huh? A nice sup, yeah. There's a thick, good yield. I'm wet, I need to explain. I've been in a park for seven hours.

Your boy, Graham K., who works at The Cellar, he's like, come, it's Canada Day. Yeah, it's The Cellar, he's like, it's Canada Day. Whenever this comes out, it's Canada Day. Congratulations. What is that? I don't fuck with that. Is that like your Fourth of July? Yes it is.

So we had it first and then you had it. And we were like, we're embarrassed, give us something. We want Christmas, Easter, and Canada Day. Exactly. Something about Canada, who knows. But Graham Kay is like, let's have a barbecue in the park. That's great. And it rained all day.

So we've been sopping wet for seven hours. Why didn't Graham check his phone for the weather? Graham's a retarded man. Got it. Can I say that on here? I don't know what I just did. He's not all there. Say it again if you want.

I love Graham. He's a great guy. He's retarded. He's retarded. He's a good guy. Good guy, but. Slow in the head. Slow in the head.

Didn't check the weather. We sat outside, dips, sopped in rainwater. Dips. I was eating whipped feta. Wait a minute. Covered in rainwater for the last three hours. You had dips outside on a rainy day? I ate some dips, I ate some chips.

You ate some dip chips? I ate some dippy-dippies. Now did you have hamburgers? There were, and they were also wet. Wet hamburgers. Wet on the grill, a public grill. Ew. Disgusting.

He's like, I cleaned them. You can't clean a public grill. Eww. Disgusting. He's like, I clean them. You can't clean a public grill. You can't clean it. You gotta burn it. There was no burning. He couldn't light the coals. He didn't light the coals because it's wet.

And also, can I tell you? Yeah. I'm wearing a full face makeup. If you're not watching, you're stupid. I did a hustler shoot today. Oh yeah, you're getting back into your old ways. Can I, do you want to see? Yeah.

It's not full puss. You're scared. I can tell. I'm not scared. Mama, you don't know me, I'm fucking not scared at all. Rock hard! I'm not like. Bobby kills half hard, he can't tell if he's gonna like it or not.

I can only get half hard. You can't tell? The only way you're gonna get me full hard is if there's a penis in this. Is if I put a bit of dip on the tip, huh? A little dip on the tip. Hey, what if I put a bit of Asiago dip on the tip right now? I love Asiago.

Wouldn't that make you get hard? Just a whisper of Asiago dip on the tip right now? I love Asiego. Wouldn't that make you get hard? Just a whisper of Asiego. Me and you would be so annoying at a restaurant together. Wouldn't we be psychotic? Can I show you this? So I'm not a sexy gal. Look at this fucking outfit. Give me that.

Are you fucking rock hard right now? I mean, look at that. You're not rock hard. Are you painted? No, that's a fucking bodysuit. That's a two piece suit. Mama, can I say something about you? What?

I'm going to say something about you. It's going to you be so mean right now I can't tell what it's gonna be you're unconventionally hot thank you listen tell tell the internet this for fuck's everybody knows this about me what I like a nose it's in hot I'm bringing you everywhere I go for I know of my life. I know you married, I know you got a boyfriend. I'm not married, and guess what? The whole internet, there's a whole, I'm going viral right now all over because men hate my nose so bad.

I love it. And they're repulsed by it. I love it. Beak, schnaut. It's my thing, love it, love it. Where were you, where were you five years ago? What was this? I was hanging out with a Polak from Massachusetts.

What the hell was this? I love, let me tell you something. I'm pissed. I'm gonna tell me tell you something. I'm pissed. I'm gonna tell you something right now. Geography class. I think her name was Gina. I forget her, Italian girl. Schnoss.

Big honker. I only used to go to geography so I could be, and I sat on the side of her, and I'd love to just side, and I would see her beautiful Italian big nose and I loved her, loved her. I need the whole internet to listen to this fucking man right now. There's a show on TV about, I think it's about

Israeli something, I forget what it's called. Every woman in it though is like Middle East. Schnauz. Honker. I love it. Sniffer. Yeah, you're very unconventional. You're not like Giselle or whatever,

but you got that weird fucking 1978, 85 fucking, when you show up, it's like, come on, let's go. It's too hot. Also, why wouldn't you want your wife to have a good sniffer? I know. You smell gas? Hey, we rented an Airbnb once, me and my boyfriend.

We walked in and went, there's a gas leak. Immediately, we had to go outside, call a gas company. Gas leak, you didn't even smell it. Do you do coke? I can't, I'm too scared. Good. Well, you can't, you'd be too expensive. Oh, I need a, I need guys a lot of money.

Keep up with this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There you go, look at us. Hey, thank you. I needed a kilo of soda, because I'm a lot of money. Keep up with this. There you go. I needed tequila soda because I'm a drunk. Because I was drinking in the park all day. Now are you Italian? Bulgarian. What the fuck? Disgusting. That's a nose. Oh this is a nose.

That's where the nose was from. That's like the original nose. It's OG Bulgarian nose. You know what's the problem? No one in my family has this. Nobody. My dad, smaller family has this. Nobody. My dad, smaller nose and niche. I was like, are you crazy? Where did you get it?

Some aunt or something? Maybe I'm like a grandfather's grandfather. A grandfather's grandfather? I think my great grandpa had a big nose. Lived to 104. If you didn't have that though, you'd just be a regular face. If I didn't have this, I wouldn't be funny because I would never be bullied. And I would be a hot girl with a nice life.

And I wouldn't be drinking in a park with Bobby Kelly You know what Bobby, maybe so good. This is the nicest fuck. I'm telling you right now I when I saw you pop onto the scene. I'm like this chick is fucking there's something about her. That's Fucking cute. You know what I mean is your boyfriend a comedian Keys yeah comedian musician from Canada, yeah, comedian musician. From Canada? From upstate New York. Oh no shit, what part?

Like Ithaca. Ithaca, okay. Have you ever seen Happy Gilmore? Yes. His uncle, Shudder McGavin. No shit. Do you wanna see a photo? Is he in an outfit too?

Is he in a hospital? No, but he looks exactly like Shudder McGavin. You're gonna actually, no, you're actually gonna lose your fucking mind How funny is that that coming that's coming back? How is coming back and it's you're actually wait, where's this fucking photo of his uncle's been in everything? Look at this man. Oh my god. No, it's actually demented and no good-looking young man. No, look at this man How old is exactly like shooting McGavin? Holy shit. I this I'm telling you, I'm not just saying this as a joke.

It's wild. It's actually crazy. It's fucking crazy. I met him with Shooter McGavin and I was like, am I fucking Shooter McGavin right now? Hello, oh, oh, you're damn right. That's wild. It's crazy.

That's wild, you gotta send that to my guy. I'll send it, I'll send it. Now you guys met doing comedy, now here's the thing. He's a standup musician, Okay, now you're blowing up. You're fucking blowing up. You were in Billy's movie, which you killed it, right? Farting on a balcony, yeah. It was great, it was fucking great.

What a great scene, too. Yeah, yeah, great scene. And then you, Billy, you're in this forensic kill, right? Yep. And this special is Netflix, right? Your own special. Yeah. Filth Netflix, right? Your own special, Filth Queen, right? And you're like the next hot thing out there right now. You're blowing the fuck up and you're doing it.

Let me tell you why I like what you're doing it. Because you're doing your fucking crazy shit. You're being you. You're just being a fucking, you know, a fucking nutcase. You said when you walked in, I want to get in the cell, but somebody says you have to give a five minute clean tape. You don't. I'm not going to. You said when you walked in, I want to get in the cell, but somebody says you have to give a five minute clean tape. You don't. I'm not going to.

You got to just do your thing. You think I was, I haven't been clean in my life. But that's why, that's why I'm confused. Why? Why, why I was asked to get a niche. Don't be a stranger. No, you don't have to do it. Joe, get over here. What? No, you're a guest.

Joe's going to come back. Scratch my back. Scratch my back. Oh my God. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, God. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, really? Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, down, down, down, down, over, over, over. He's really bad at this.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, He's not even close. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there, right there. He had, that's a wet spot. Okay, that's good, thanks, thanks.

It's wet. Yeah. Is this what you make your, what you should do? No, Joe's a friend of mine. This is bizarre. Yeah, we're lovers. I cheated my wife with him. Oh my God.

Yeah, I like hairy Italian guys too with big noses. You like a big nose. What is your wife have big nose? No! Small. She got a small little fucking Polish nose. But it's nice to kiss. Well, he also has a big nose.

We're doing the whole beaky beaky thing. I don't know what I did. Side to side. I love a big nose. I'm actually gonna get this tattooed on my ass saying Bobby Kelly loves a big nose. You don't understand the amount of fucking men who come at me.

Do you wanna hear what I just, I was saying this on this podcast yesterday, I had to go on Facebook and go in this crazy other setting side and find where you put certain words. Big nose, beak, grew, gonzo. I had to put all these in there because these men were losing their mind. Every video of me being like going viral like,

and I'm like, Gru's pretty funny though. I love that, you know what? Also, I have- Gonzo's old school. That's a good point. And I love a Muppet. Yeah, it's a Muppet. It's also more, I would say more Sam the Eagle.

So don't be stupid about the Gonzo shit. Gru's good. Gru's, and they say penguin from Batman, but I'm also like, I'm thin now. When I was fat, sure. You used to be fat? I was like 45 pounds every night, I'm now. I've lost a lot of weight for the special.

I used to be fat too. You lost a lot of weight. I lost a lot of weight. What the heck, where'd it go? I fucking lost it. Where is it? Go find it. I don't wanna find it.

I don't know. Where the hell is it? I was gonna fucking die. Were you? Yeah, I was fat. Yeah, I was fat. How. Were you? Was that bad? Yeah, I was fat. How fat were you, how big?

360. We didn't have to do that. You didn't have to do that. I did. Well, how tall are you? You have to get shocked, like I just pulled my balls out. I'd be less shocked if your balls came out. I'd go, and there they are.

That's that, and there they are. 360? Yeah, yeah. What are you, 5'10"? Well, 5'8". I pushed it, I was being nice. I was being 5'8". I pushed it, I was being nice. I was being nice. Yeah, you pushed it.

I was being nice. I'm 5'8'1". 360. Yeah, 360. What do you know, 160? No, one, are you out of your mind? You're 180? No, I'm two, two.

You're two, where? Yeah, I don't know. You fat balls. Huge shot. My ball, here's the thing, I don't tell people that, I got massive, one, one mask of Tesco. My one Tesco on the left side, 40 pounds I got massive, one, one mask of Tesco.

My one Tesco on the left side, not 40, around 32, 32 pounds. The one on the right, regular nut. Small. Little tiny, right? Not small, not. Avocado pit. It's an avocado. Did you know the avocado was a cartel?

No. Okay, well, know that now. I actually did not know. The cartel, yeah, fentanyl, no that actually did not know the cartel Yeah fentanyl people Avocados, I swear to God look it up. Look it up Make a 30 pound nut. Yeah, thirty foot would you do if you honestly suck it? Oh, sorry I'd like my good suck that I was what would you do with that?

I pull it up like that. I use it as a pillow on the couch This when I watch animal kingdom, I'd be like this. I would take that on an airplane. That'd be my Put it on my neck with the TSA Bobby's ball I want the Bobby's ball So listen, let me say the bomb bandana Dab yourself with that. No somebody if you take a hot one, I throw it at you. You're good. Now I'm panicked, why did I have to ask about that?

You're not getting it. Oh, wow. You're not getting it. You're not getting it. Okay, I probably, I'm pretty buzzed. I'm not getting it, I love it. I'm actually probably not getting it. Take another sip, listen, let me ask you a question.

So you're from Canada, you come here, I never, where the fuck, where did you go, LA or something? Yeah, right there. You went to LA. Never, yeah. I knew you, bitch. Yeah. Well fuck I was asshole.

Fuck, I've been around for 40 years, where you at? I've been around for 23 years, you piece of shit. No way, really? Yes, I'm not some fucking scumbag that came out of nowhere. I've been sucking open micers dick since I was 17 years old. That's Jodorows's line. Is it? Yeah. I actually have been though, I am embarrassed the amount of open micers dick since I was 17 years old. That's Jodorosa's line. Is it? I actually have been though.

I am embarrassed the amount of open micers I fucked and I could have been fucking like bookers. I'm pissed. Made a huge mistake. I can't believe we didn't fuck Jodorosa. That would have been two fucking losers. Two loserships in the night. I love Joe too.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy, but that would have been hilarious if you fucked him. If we both fucked each other, we're like, oh, this did nothing for both of us. This is embarrassing. I'm surprised you didn't fuck him. He's a great guy. He's a great guy, but that would have been hilarious if you fucked him. We both fucked each other, we're like, oh this did nothing for both of us, this is embarrassing. Joe, I'm surprised you didn't fuck him, he loved open mic'ers. And big noses.

Does he love big noses? I don't know, I don't know what Joe likes. I think that's my thing. That's so weird, you fucked open mic'ers. In LA, you wouldn't even know. I never fooled around with a comic. Are you serious? So many comics did that, and it's almost annoying. Why? No, it's good for you. I'm annoying or you're annoying? No,? So many comics did that and it's almost annoying.

Why? It's I'm annoying or you're annoying? No, it's annoying for you but it's actually good. Is it annoying? Why is it annoying? Because you had fun. No, I didn't. You didn't have fun?

I was fucking, there's one night I fucked this old mic'er and he was so poor, he didn't leave my house and in the morning he was living in his car and I went, hey, I gotta go and he goes, oh, okay, I go, take a banana and leave. I remember giving him like fruit in my house and I watched him walk out into his car that he had parked in front

and just lie down in his car bed. And I was like, I got to stop. I got to turn my life around. He needed food and he slept, he was sleeping. He wouldn't leave my house. So I like gave, I said I was going to the gym. I lied, I'm going to the gym. I'm fucking obese.

I'm like, I'm going to the gym today. I was like tying on my gym shoes. I'm like, gotta hit the gym. And then I handed him a banana. I'm like, you should get out of here. And I watched him walk out. Then I had to pretend I was leaving. So I got out, got into my car. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. I don't run the block. I'm like, I've nowhere to go. I didn't have gym membership. I'm like, I gotta hit the rack. What the hell am I talking about? Give me the rag. I'm pissed. I like the rag.

Give me the rag, I'm gonna be pissed. I like the rag. Give me the rag. And I was like, it was pathetic. So you, you're one of the, but this is nice. Yeah. You know why? Why? Nice man. No I'm not, I'm a piece of shit.

I like you, are you, did you cheat on her? No. Then you're a nice man. What? If you didn't cheat on your wife, you're a nice man. I'm not, my wife. That's all it takes. Which was my girlfriend.

Stop! What? I'm gonna throw the rag at you. No, throw the rag, you have a rag. Hey, hold on. I shoulda known when she's on the rag. Did you forget my tampon? No.

I'm not even on the period. Baba, I'm too old for that game. I can't fuck around. What girl wants to bang me? People do. People, you talking to people? Hey, I'm talking to a couple people. Who the fuck you talking about?

Hey, give me your phone. Give me your phone. I got a couple of little calls. No, I just didn't, I never mixed the comic and the, I didn't want to show up at a club and have, hey, I don't want to be like, hey, what do you think that it's? It's awkward.

It's awkward. I'll tell you right now, I have fucked no one you know. Maybe one person you know. Really? One comic who works at a cellar is the only one I fucked. If I guess it? If you guess it, I'll say yes.

Really? Yes. Okay, Dove Davidoff. I don't even know who that is. Okay, wow, that hurts. He's not white. Okay, he's not white. No. don't even know who that is. Okay, wow, that hurts. He's not white. Okay, he's not white. No.

All right, this is easier now. Sherrod Small. No. Ah, fuck, I know, I know. Fuck, he's good looking, does Jiu Jitsu. I don't know if he does Jiu Jitsu. Fuck, I just said that to trick you. I was like, I actually don't know.

Is he black, black? I don't know how to answer that. You know how to answer that. No, I actually don't know. Is he black, black? I don't know how to answer that. You know how to answer that. No, I don't. Well, is he, is he yo, what's up? Or is he, hey, how are you? No, yo, what's up? He's yo, what's up?

He's yo, what's up. So he, okay, wow. Okay. Is he, so he's your generation? Yes. Was he hit by a Walmart truck? No. You didn't fuck No, okay, so it's not a celebrity no, it's a comic it's a comic Michael Che no, okay great

I you had one guess Oh, sorry You don't know if I did one drunk. I'm buzzed you're buzzing and you don't know I didn't say it was up was I'm drunk, I'm buzzed. You're buzzin' and you don't know. I didn't even say it, wassup, wassup. I buzzed. Guys, how does my team not go to the fuckin' schedule and bring up every black comic and put it up for me?

How does that not happen? Was there no list here? No. There's a fuckin' thing. But I'm just saying, I haven't fucked a lot of like, big comedians. Right. Okay, so you don't like- That's it. So they were regular. I liked the open micers,

cause I was like embarrassed Well the whole thing but now your boyfriend's a comedian. I'm upset. Well, yeah, but he's more of a musician. Okay actor actor Okay, so they're very attractive. I love him. So they're looking dude I don't my league. No, he's not you're fucking stupid. I love it. See I'm gonna fucking I'm bringing the rest of my life You know, what's what I don't understand. I don, what's wrong with you? What do you think's wrong with you? Do you want me to open my fucking DMs? I'm gonna tell you this right now. Do you want to open my DMs?

Fuck all them. You got fucking beautiful eyes, beautiful eyes. You got a nice nose, your teeth are great. You got a great smile. I mean, your haircut is kind of dyke-y, but I like it. And you got fucking nice cans, okay? You got long legs. I got nice legs.

Yeah, you got great legs. Oh, the legs? Let me bring out the old. Yeah. That's a muscular leg. Yeah, I mean, you got long legs. I got nice legs. Yeah, you got great legs. Oh, the legs? Let me bring out the old. Yeah. That's a muscular leg. Yeah, I mean, you know. Nike haircut is the funniest thing. I have a mullet.

A little bit, yeah, but that's it. Here's why it's good because people know who the fuck you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like one of the go-gos. Ding, ding about you. Yeah, you have that. And then go.

Yeah, if you had, if you, if you. Yeah. You have that. Yeah. If you had if you if you whoo. That's the move. You're right. You're not into a pussy. If my team had anything, we'd be playing the go-go's right now. There you go. Play it. I know. I heard you told you jokingly. Pat Bercher told me that you made Rosebud jokingly drink a cup of piss. Yeah. And making me laugh for three days.

Yeah. She was on my show. I wish you had that. I would suck that piss back. Big laugh. I love a big piss sip. I love a piss joke. Okay, listen. I love piss. It's so funny. I had hot bone broth and she goes, what is that? I go take a sip. She took a sip. And she goes, what is that? And I go, take a sip. And she took a sip.

She's like, what is it? I'm like, it's my piss. And she was like, no. And I'm like, yeah, I'm drinking my piss. Cause I'm on a diet that you drink your own piss. She was so fucking offended and scared that she just drank. Cause bone broth tastes like hot piss.

It is piss. It's pee pee. It tastes like hot piss. Yeah, it's piss. So yeah, I never drank pee. You ever drink pee? No, I've tried my sister's breast milk though. Okay, well, let's go down that road.

No, I've never tried breast milk. And I never will, because I'm not, I'm ancient, I can't have babies now. My sister had it in a little bottle and I went, what's it taste like? She goes, give it a sip. So she poured a little bottle on a spoon and I went... Cereal milk. Sweet. Cereal milk. Sweet, sweet. Yeah, right at bottle on a spoon. And I went cereal milk. Sweet cereal milk.

Sweet, sweet. Yeah. Right at the end. Nice. Right. All the milk. Yeah. Cereal milk.

All the milk. Now I see what people are into that. I'm not. Piss piss is a different thing. I would. I'm not in a piss play. No. Can I tell you something?

They call it piss play. Like I tell you something. It's fun. OK. OK. I did something recently. Oh God. And I. I have another. No. No. Okay. Okay. I did something recently.

Oh God. And I, no, I can't understand for this. I'm gonna pass. Your problem is, but not calm. I'm gonna go, we have to edit everything. I have to edit something on the last podcast I did because I bitched about a TV show that actually might be getting revamped. Yeah.

And I, this is, this is great. This is perfect. Tell me what the fuck. Piss play. Piss play and getting edited by PRB. We'll get a squeaky. I'm demanding right now. I've never been drunk in a podcast. I'm sorry. So I was we were very drunk.

It was my wife's birthday. I took him to Palm Springs. Never in Palm Springs. OK, never been either. Go not in the summer. Too hot. We're so drunk. That was really nice. Every B and P comes in. I got a pass. I go, I'm pissing. He goes, why the piss? I go, piss'm pissing. He goes, why'd you piss? And I go, piss in between my legs. So I backed up on the toilet.

Really? I opened my legs. Really? And he pissed in. In between. In between, and then our streams became one. Oh, like Ghostbusters. Yes, and then I said this on stage,

thinking every woman was gonna go, yeah, me too. And the whole crowd was like, ah, like so pissed. At the store, the main room, they were all like, oh no, and I was like, LA, like so pissed at the store in the main room. They were all like, oh no. And I was like, no one did this? Yeah. More women have done this. It's hilarious.

It's crazy. I think you're wrong about that. Open? I think you're wrong about that. Have you done this? No, I've never done that. My wife would fucking slap my nuts, my big nut, if I did that.

That's the thing, your nuts too big, you can't do that. Because I married a square, she's not into fucking. If I went in and tried to pick, now here's the thing. Has she been buzzed? She'd laugh. She would laugh be like she'd be like what the fuck are you doing? You fucking moron you fucking piss me get out of here She giggle, but she'd be like don't ever fucking do that again. I'm drunk, huh? And her drunk get her drunk another guy have sex with her. She's drink what what huh? What I didn't say that you can're gonna have sex with my wife?

I'll have sex with her. Yeah baby! I'll get a mullet. I'll get the same exact hair you have. Get her drunk. Does she drink? No. Oh fuck your most...

No, she doesn't drink. It's a drunk thing. Here's the thing when she drinks, she gets yappy. So she talks the whole way through. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. And it's like shut up. Then open her legs, shut her up and slip it in. Slip the pee in.

While she's peeing. It's fun. I'm telling you, while she's peeing. It's fun. I'm telling you, you gotta try it once. It's a weird thing. I think everybody should try it once. I think it's fun. But here's the thing. Now you have to be peeing, right?

And he has to pee. You both have to be peeing. Did he hitch at all? No. He was so good he aimed it right down. Well, I'm not gonna lie, he did hit my leg at one point because it was funny. Did you have to go take a shower?

Did you just want to? Yeah, we showered after. Oh, you showered after? I'm not gonna fucking have pissed on my leg and lie down. Do Well, I'm not gonna lie, he did hit my leg at one point, because it was funny. Did you have to go take a shower? Did you just want to? Yeah, we showered after. Oh, you showered after? I'm not gonna fucking have piss on my leg and lie down. Do you think I'm sick? I thought I was. I have a mullet, I'm not disgusting. You're not white trash.

I look white trash, I'm very clean. I mean, yeah. I clean the lips. I clean the hole. I don't know what this means. I also don't know what that means. I clean the lips, I clean the hole. Clean the lips, I love that you're coming up

with all kinds of new T-shirts. I clean the lips, I clean the hole. Hey, I need're coming up with all kinds of new t-shirts. I clean the lips, I clean the hole. Hey, I need a new merch guy. What was the thing at the beginning? The flump, the slump, what was it called? What did I say? You said you had some wet. Oh, the slump, I don't know what I said.

Slump, we got a new shirt, it's called slump. Hey, Etsy, is this my showcase? Can I just do this? Send her this, this is my five minutes of clean. Oh my God, Etsy would love you. You fucking out of your mind? I think she would. I'm not doing five minutes clean. Send me a tape, I'll send it to her.

Send her my Netflix hour. I'm not sending her a tape. I'll tell her to look at the tape. Why is Billy, Billy's the fucking. I didn't ask Bill. He's got the golden touch. I know, I should ask Jensen, shouldn't she direct me too? Cause I love fucking Jensen.

Billy Burr loves you. I know. He's the man, he'll hook you up. I'll fucking, I'll do it. I don't do it, I don't wanna, I'm annoyed. No, don't be annoyed. I'm too old to be like, this is me. How old are you?

I'm 40, but I've been doing it for so long. I'm only 17. You're old, you're not old. I'm not old, but I'm too old to suck cock. Wait, all right, listen, I don't know where you're going with that. I don't know why you brought that up. What the fuck? I'm sucking some cock, no, my that. I don't know why you brought that up.

I'm sucking some cock. No, my boyfriend. And I'm pretty good. People on the internet think I can't because of this nose. I can get down there. Don't fucking judge me. People were actually saying I can't suck my boyfriend's dick when his nose is big. You think I can't angle up?

What do you think I'm doing? Going in like a fucking bird that hits the goddamn keyboard? What is, I'm in there, I angle up. Throw the rag at me or I'm fucking leaving. I'm not throwing the rag at you. I don't want to, I think it's great. So, yeah, we'll get you into the cell. I'll talk to, I'll talk to.

I'm also, I know, that's the problem. Women love me, all the female bookers in LA love me. I'm not sucking around. I mean, I can't, I'm like, you like me, you like me, you don't, you don't. So what, let me ask you a question. You do this special, is it have a thing or is it just your jokes?

Is it just an hour? It's my hour, but the opening, did you watch it? I didn't. You should have watched it. I'll watch it tonight. The opening alone, the opening alone is my favorite part. Really? It's very naked gun, I have a dummy, I throw it over,

do I have something on my nose? You did that bit, he did a big swipe of the old schnoz-erini. You gotta let the nose stuff go. But you just did that and I thought you were doing something. I did not, listen, I went like this because I had an itch on my nose. An itch and you did a full palm. I did.

But I didn't do this. An itch is this. You were like, no, no, you did a full forefinger. Mama, you have a you have a nose thing. I see everything. My open thanks for watching my special before I came on here. Buddy, dude, listen, pal, I I didn't want to watch it right now fuck you watch my opening no honestly go to my go to my go to bill go to bill

burr's Instagram I want you to watch my opening right now that's all I care about is it the part with bill burr yes yeah I saw that the following of the dummy no you didn't I didn't watch yeah exactly you didn't watch the dummy part do it for me I know kidding he's a go to bill burr me. No, I'm kidding. He's a friend. Go to Bill Burr's fucking thing. I'm going. I'm going to your special right now. Just the opening. All right, just the opening.

One, two, are you on the top seven? No, I'm not. I'm on top 10. No, you're on the wrong thing. You gotta go here. You gotta go to here. No, you're on the wrong thing. God damn it, Kong.

I'm not on the fucking top 10. It's pissing me off because men hate women. Do you know the message? Men don't hate you. Yes, they do. No, they don't men are messaging me And they don't hate manner. No, you gotta go. Yes here here. It's up here. It's up here I first of all manner DMing me going I Almost didn't watch it because I hate women so badly, but I actually turned it on So I need to get on fucking I you have to tell men I'm funny or something. Okay, watch this opening here

Here we go We can't hear it Okay, watch this opening. Here we go. We can't hear it. Hang on. Okay. I love you, but yep. You set this whole thing up. I'm fucking with you. You're a beast, you gotta crush it.

Sorry. You didn't see it. I saw this. You didn't know what's gonna happen. Yeah, don't fuck it up. Yeah, don't fuck this up, all right? You didn't watch the rest, fuckface. This gets so funny now, idiot.

Watch this. This is where it gets funny. Moron didn't watch the rest of it I did it it gets so funny is this in New York it's Boston get ready idiot exactly laughing dying laughing over here that's Fenway yeah right in the hot dog my wieniener. My wiener. Big laugh. It's a Fenway Park. Having a laugh. Having a big laugh. Uh oh, here she goes in the water.

But that's not you. That's a dummy. It's a dummy. Yeah, it's funny because it's a dummy. I get it. I get it. That's my boyfriend to the left. That's your boyfriend.

To the left. The other guy's a blue man to the right. Actual blue man to the right. That's the comet. Yeah. That's the... Yeah, okay. Where is it? I fall in. There's Billy again. Yeah. That's the, the, yeah. Okay. Where is it? I fall in.

There's Billy again. Yeah. You're back. Lunatic. There we go. That's the opening. And I fall on the stage. See, that's funny stuff. Why? Why? Did you come up with that? I did. I did because I did a video. It's retarded. I did. It's retarded. Yes it is. It's retarded. Yeah. Yeah. But I did a video, as if I don't know, as if I'm gonna sit here and go like this.

No, that's normal comedy. No, it's fine. I love Billy Goat, because we used to say that to each other, hey, don't fuck it up. It's retarded. Yeah. I used to do this thing where I did a long fall.

Right. It was like a bit I did, and it got viral a couple times. I did that thing where I just fall for a long time. And then I just, that was funny. It's a very like, it's a very like Avidacastello bullshit. I wanna watch the stand up.

Can I see the stand up? No, that's it, that's all you get. Why? That's it, the opening's hilarious. If you don't like that, suck my ass. Don't watch that. Suck your ass. Suck my ass.

That's why I like you. Suck my hemorrhoid ass. Hemorrhoids. Oh, big right. No, all right. It went away and it came back. You're gonna vomit? Put your ass out right now?

You have no hemorrhoids? No. I don't believe it. I swear to God. I, look, ask me again. You're drinking ice coffee at, what time is it? Nine p.m.? I give you hemorrhoids?

Buddy? What? The acidity? You're drinking, you're drinking, I wouldn't call it iced coffee, it's lukewarm. I know. Watered down coffee. My guys suck.

Nine PM. Yeah. Zero roids you're saying you have. Let me ask you a question before I answer this question. I'm not leaving until I see your asshole. Before, all right, listen, fine, that's fine. But let me say something. Let me say something.

I wanna ask you a couple questions about this. Please. You're saying that iced coffee, iced coffee gives you hemorrhoids. I'm saying the acidity. The what? The what? Acidity.

Acidity. From iced coffee, yes. Gives you hemorrhoids. I'm saying there's a lot of things that develop hemorrhoids. Okay. And coffee ain't great for your... And you're saying that I have, you're 100% that I develop hemorrhoids. Okay. And coffee ain't great for your... And you're saying that I have, you're 100% that I have hemorrhoids.

I'm saying right now, 90% of people have hemorrhoids. I'm saying me. Look at me. Yes, you do. Wait a minute, this is nuts. What do you mean this is nuts? I am, one second. You're saying...

I'm saying you right now have a hemorrhoid. You're saying me? Yeah. Right now. How old are you? I mean, this is nuts. I'm saying you're saying you're saying you right never have a ride. You're saying me. Yeah right now Huh, how old are you? I mean, this is nuts. I'm 54. You're denying it so much. Whoa. Whoa I'm just if you didn't have a roid you'd be like I don't have a right. I didn't say I didn't say I had one or I didn't have exactly. I'm gonna say this to you right now You're saying I a 100 percent have a right. Yes, I am. How many?

One at least. That's what I'm saying. How many do you have? One right now. Any I'm saying you have an any. What's like a belly button? No, it's like any hemorrhoid. They have any of these. Yeah. Audis poke out of your butthole.

And they're scary as hell. Oh, really? They talk. Oh, yeah. They go, hey pass that toll limit. The company's ASD. I'm saying you probably have any kind of physical bump on the inside of your butthole. Really?

Mm-hmm. And it's not from pushing your shit. Okay. Everyone thinks it's from sitting on a toilet for four hours. It's not that. It's not. It's not pushing. What is it? It's not straining. It four hours. It's not that. It's not pushing. What is it? It's not straining.

It's stress. It's diet. I have stress. You have stress, you have diet. It's a lot of coffee. I don't just drink coffee. It's nine p.m. It's nine p.m.

It's nine p.m. What else did you do? Do you know where your kids are? You're really tightening up this scroll over here. I'm gonna put this in my eye so I'll do it. You're gonna pop the hemorrhoid back in. You need a little, whew, a little boindexter to get it back in there. You've never had one?

I've had roids. I mean, this is nuts. Most, what do you mean? It's not nuts. It's nuts. It's roids. Most people have roids. I'm sick and tired.

Have you ever had roids? Currently I don't, but I had an Audi once. See? It's fucking common. Joe, do you have roids? I don't even but I had an Audi once. See? It's fucking coming. Joe, do you have Roids? I don't even know what that is. Shut the fuck up and give me your asshole right now. Get over here right now. I will look at his bare asshole.

Joe. Joe, I will actually go wipe your asshole in the shower and I'll come back out here and I will look at it. I swear to God. Clean your asshole in the shower that you have here that no one's ever used. If you don't... I got an asshole like a bear. What does that mean? I don to God. Clean your asshole in the shower that you have here that no one's ever used. If you don't...

I got an asshole like a bear. What does that mean? I don't know. I've never seen a bear's asshole. What does that mean? Is Harry? Yeah. I can see a roid through hair.

Not through that hair. Buddy, try me. Get in the bathroom, clean it, and bring it right here. Bring it on the rag. Bring it on Bobby Kelly's rag. Hey, put it right in the... Put clean it, and bring it right here. Bring it on the rag, bring it on Bobby Kelly's rag. Hey, put it right in the, put it right there. I'll take a little pee. My asshole looks like you emptied out a shower drain.

I'll go in the shower with him and clean it. I'm gonna go take a pee, I swear to God. He has Roy's, denying it like that is a Roy. That's a Roy denier. It's almost insulting. That's a Roy denier. I'm gonna say this, you know what? I don't wanna be a Roy denier. Don't. I's a Roy. I'm gonna say this. You know what? I don't want to be a Roy denier Don't I might have one

Thank you. Are they itchy? Yes You have a feel good when you itch it. Yes, it does. It feels great. You have a right. I'm telling you I fucking knew you had a Roy. I'm looking at you. Everybody has a Roy. I have everybody I have one right now right now. It's it's a joke. Am's a joke, in my fucking special, I name mine Glenn, LOL. Why Glenn? Glenn Royd, it's hilarious. Glenn Gary Glenn Royd, it's the funniest thing ever. Is that from Billy's movie?

No, and actually I had this joke before Bill went on Broadway and I'm like, I wish I knew before when I taped it. Is he still on Broadway? I think he's done now. Oh, fuck, I didn't see it. Because if I had little Bill's head on my fucking Royd, I was so drunk I wouldn't watch, don't know how many brought me backstage. I was so drunk. Right if I had little Bill's head on my fucking roid, I was so drunk I wouldn't watch. Somebody brought me backstage.

I was so drunk. Right? I'm embarrassed. Why? Because I went backstage, I was trying to be cool, and I was so buzzed. And I brought my boyfriend backstage, and he was being so normal.

He was like, the way you chose the character, blah, blah, blah. Oh, your boyfriend was? Oh, and he was being so serious. And I'm like, look at this guy, he's an idiot. And everyone, no one laughs. And I was like, oh, I'm drunk and stupid. Cause they were like trying to be like actually smart.

Actors. Yeah. And I was like, I'm funny. They're like, you're stupid. Most people have hemorrhoids is my point. And people try to deny they don't. And it's the whole thing. It's like, if you have a bump in your asshole, if you're a little thing, it's, you have one.

I'm not ashamed in my role. When I, when I had mine, I was scared it was prolapsed anus. Yes. Do you think it's prolapse? And I thought mine was anal cancer. What I had to go to a doctor He had a fedora and a bunch of rings. You had a doctor with an ass doctor with a fedora I don't know if you show you what you didn't go to a casino. It was a garage and the guy had Lucy fucking nutcase in here Bed on red and I asked He had a lot of rings, but why did you talk to have rings? case in here. Bed on red and I opened my ass.

He had a lot of rings but he was- Why did your doctor have rings? I don't know but he brought a female nurse in there at the same time. Pretty sure doctors aren't supposed to have rings. Rich Voss, Dr. Rich Voss. It was Rich Voss and Bonnie was there and she opened my ass for me. But he opened my ass and he was like, because I thought I had butt cancer, I was like, ball my eyes out.

It's a lump. You feel like, and it was inside so I thought I'd ask cancer and he's like, that's hemorrhoid and I was like, oh this is embarrassing had butt cancer, I was like, ball my eyes out, because it's a lump, you feel like, and it was inside, so I thought I'd ask cancer, and he's like, that's a hemorrhoid, and I was like, oh, this is embarrassing. Now how'd you get rid of it? And he was 50 bucks. Nothing really works, I use these witch hazel pads. Oh, you mean like tucks?

They're called tucks, yeah. Tucks, little circle ones. Oh, oh, Mr. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, excuse me, no idea what hemorrhoids are, no, it's the name brand. I opened up, I'm sorry. Excuse me. No idea. Everyone's are Why don't know is the name right? I opened up and I opened up I opened up man Everyone should buy tux. I go home and then you shame me out of it I have tux with me right now in a zip lock I'm staying at Alex Pavone's house on his pullout couch of own. I've been putting tux in my ass every fucking night

I go I go good night Alex. He goes good about early go Yeah, I got a tuck in shoving a tux in my asshole. You roll it up like a joint? I roll it in half and I put it right as my asshole. Really? It feels so good. Oh, it feels so good. Sweet, sweet nectar with that witch hazel.

It's going, it works. It takes away the itch. It takes away the itch. You know what else takes away the itch? Wipe your ass. It's not shit, there's no shit there. You have no shit on your ass. There's no shit on my ass.

Right now. I can tell you right, oh I haven't shit in days. Joe, check her ass. Joe, come here. Joe, let's both go in the shower together. I'm telling you there's no shit. No, it's a roid. Yeah, it's a roid.

Okay. It hurts. After I shit, I wipe my ass with water now. My boyfriend, every time after he shits, he showers. So now I do it now. Yeah. At Pave's house, I say, shit, I shove my ass in the shower and I clean my ass with the water.

Like a goat? Oh yeah, I had a t-shirt on and I put my full ass in and I put my full, I need a Costco pump and I put the Costco soap in my ass and I really got in there. My ass is wet every time after I shit. Do you guys shower after you shit? You should do it.

I have a bidet. Well, Pavi doesn't. So Alex, this is on your, I should do it. I have a bidet. Well, Pavi doesn't. So Alex, this is on your, I have my house, I have a bidet. I shit too frequently to shower every time. You know what someone gets? There's a shower here, you idiot. You know what someone, I love what you call it, it makes me so happy.

Listen, you know what I got? It's a travel bidet. You have a travel bidet? Yeah, it's a little bottle, right? It has a little thing that you flip up and you put the water in and you squirt it. You flip it. You flip it up?

You flip it up. And it's a little, and it flips up and you squirt it, you put it under and you squeeze it and it shoots the water in your asshole. You take this on TSA? Yeah. It folds, it goes like this. It goes down to this.

Tell these fucking times. Has a carabiner, right? And you put it in your bag and then when you take a poop Make it up. I'm actually buying this away from right now. Yeah, it's travel. Yes. You remember this he's at an airport bathroom He'll shit. Yeah, pull his pants up. No walk out of the bathroom No, wet a bunch of paper towels look men in the eye Wet them and he goes back in the bathroom and wipes his ass. But that's a clean man. It's not right.

It's a clean butthole. You can do that, here's the thing, I don't wanna know about it. You could get the wet paper towel, get the wet paper towels, go out, wet the paper towels. First. Go back in, put them down on the thing, or hold them, wipe your butt, and then spread the peanut butter,

and then wipe the peanut butter. You don't need to do that weird shit. You don't need to let me know. No, letting know is weird. You don't need to let me know what the fuck you're. I'm sorry. Huh? You're right.

Letting know is not right. No, it's not right. That's a confidence you don't need. No, you're right. I mean, look, I'm sure your boyfriend's a sweet guy, looks like a nice guy. He does. He loves you, and. I mean, look, I'm sure your boyfriend's a sweet guy, looks like a nice guy. He does. He loves you, and I respect him,

and he likes a nice nose. He likes a big nose. Big nose. I think it's a beautiful nose. I don't think it's big at all. I'm gonna suck your dick right, so. It's gonna take a lot. Yeah, well, trust me, I've worked hard over the years.

Don't think I don't suck a mean dick. You think I just go down there and I'm like, oh, tippy, tippy, tippy. I am gagging. I am borderline barfing. You think I look like this with this nose and I don't suck the meanest cock you've ever seen in your entire life? Are you crazy?

I'm probably the best dick sucker you've ever had in your entire life. I've had to work 23 years. I've worked as long as I have in comedy, as I have a dick sucker. I swear to God, how am I not passed to the seller for my dick sucking abilities? I'm actually never getting passed now. Is this rant? They're like, we're actually good. Um, I need this bidet thing you have though. I need it. Yeah. Bring it up on the thing. Bring it up on the thing, dumb dumb.

Bring it up on the thing, idiot. I mean, when I vamp for ten minutes about something, can you just be bringing it up, you fucks? They're too busy. No, it's not Danny, it's Joe. It is Joe. Joe's a fucking lying sack of shit. You're a fucking asshole.

He's a grisly asshole. He's a moron. Yeah, fucking Sasquatch ass. Why don't you put your fingers on the keyboard? Has Joe ever had his ass ass eaten? Yes, his wife does it all the time. Joe's ass gets his ass eaten. Joe, bring your ass up there.

There it is right there. No, scroll down. That's it. No, no, no, no, scroll down. Scroll down. Scroll down. Right there. Travel to she that travel. That's what I got. 25 bucks. I'm going to order right fucking now. Patrick from the stand, the guy who books The Stand,

got me that. It comes in a bunch of different colors, but you squish it down, it goes real small. I like that. And then you can clean it as well. There you go. Let's have a little water bottle. You get thirsty too, have a little sip.

I mean, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that because it's near your asshole and it's got shit spray on it. I'd probably keep separate. I'd probably actually write water on one bottle and ass water on the other, just in case. Bong hole. Bong hole would be a good one. But a little piece of poo poo on the other. Just in case. Bung hole.

Bung hole would be a good one. But a little piece of poo poo on the desk. I'm gonna throw up. Listen. You can't do poo? I can't do poo. Who does poo? It's disgusting.

You can't do poo. When I see people do poo poo. Please tell me you didn't shit and your husband shit or your boyfriend shit in between you. Are you ins... That door's closed, sealed, sinks on. I sound as if they rain sounds. I can't be listening to that.

That's a level. When a couple, farting for instance is one thing. When a couple's like, oh shit, in front of my husband. I'm like, go to hell, go to hell. You should go to jail, something's wrong with you. That's too close. That's too much. That's too much. Do you fart in front of your wife?

Occasionally, but not, I don't do it. You pussy. I do it, but I don't want to ruin it. What do you mean, I hate this argument. I'll't do it. You pussy. I do it, but I don't do it, I don't wanna ruin it. What do you mean? I hate this argument. I don't want her to get fucked. I'll tell you why, ready?

Yes. I don't want her to become too familiar with my toots. Like, okay, my wife will fart in front of me. Right? We'll be in bed. She never does it. But when she does it, it's hilarious. Because she won't, we'll just be in bed,

and she'll be like, all right, goodnight, goodnight, and you hear, pfft. Because she won't, we'll just be in bed, and she'll be like, goodnight, goodnight, and you hear, pfft, and I'll be like, what the, she's such cracking up, do you know what I mean? She'll crack up, which makes it even funnier. But if she was farting all the time, I'd be desensitized to it. I don't want to desensitize my wife to my toots,

so when I, like, Toots? Yeah, I call them toots. Don't fucking toot shame me. You calling them toots is funny stuff. I like toots, I toots. Toots? Yeah, I call them toots. Don't fucking toot shame me. You calling them toots is funny stuff. I like toots, I toots. Toots is funny. I know they're toots, you know?

But I do fart once in a while. And do you try holding it and it comes like a, my foot comes like a squeak. But I was on protein for a while, because when I lost that weight, I was on a lot of protein. Stinky. And bone broth. Protein and bone broth.

Let me tell you something. I could have killed animals with it. It was bad. Cause your ass opens and it pushes out. Oh yeah, and it's like hot. You know when you see cartoons when that like smoke, the green smoke comes out and like Fred Flintstone would go, ugh, that's exactly what it is.

One time I remember my dog, Kelby, was sick and he jumped. He had really bad stomach problems. And he jumped on the bed. He had a little tiny silky terrier. And you know, they have the little tail, so their asshole is always just out. Jumped on the bed, and he put his little asshole in my face.

And I was sleeping. And I saw his asshole open. And it went, phoo. I heard, phoo, and his asshole opened. He farted right in my, it was the fucking worst. Right in your face? Right in my face, but I saw it open. Ew, ew.

I actually, this was funny too, when I first got Kelby, we were in LA, me and my chick at the time, now my wife. Where in LA? Culver City. Okay. It was terrible. time, now my wife. Where in LA? Culver City. Okay. It was terrible. Nice. Well civilized.

Nah, we lived in Venice for a minute. Disgusting. It was cool back then. Sure. It was alright, but we never took it. We sent a Monica to Venice, to Culver City, and Culver City was like gangs. We fucked up. Did you go to the beach a lot?

No. See, that's psychotic to live out there. I'm not a fucker. I don't like that. I don't like that California dreamin' horse shit. Well, also it's- I don't like the dumb ocean. I'm from Boston.

We went to New Hampshire, Maine, Ocean Ocean. And the oysters. Yeah, we went to Ocean Ocean. I don't want that fucking LA horse shit, fucking stupid surfing assholes. I would pay to see you surf though. No, I can't.

Your dog's asshole just right in your face opening. You're like, everybody goes. Yeah, my dog, I remember when we first moved there, the dog, little Silky Terrier, we were in the bed and I forgot that we had a dog, because we just got it. And I'm in the bed and I forgot that we had a dog, because we just got it. And I'm in the bed and I'm like, I felt something. I'm like, dog, I think that there's a fucking,

there's a ghost. She's like, what, I'm like, there's a ghost. There's something in the room, I can feel it. She's like, what are you talking about? I go, my leg is warm. My whole side of my leg is warm. There's like an apparition or something in the room. She turned around and the dog just pissed on my leg.

I forgot that we had a dog. And it just pissed all over my fucking leg. Your dog's got issues. My dog, she's dead. I killed her. Oh, what? We got a new one, it's all right. She had issues, but I took her.

To go to the ocean? Yeah, hemorrhoids, had hemorrhoids. Hey, dogs probably have hemorrhoids. No, they don't. I've never thought about that. Dogs are the shit. You ever notice dogs just shit, pitch it off, and you don't have to wipe it?

Oh, my dog's asshole sometimes needs a little wipey-wipey. You just stick your fingers in it? No, no, I take a little towel. You wipe it? She got big ass. What kind of dog are you? Golden retriever. Nice.

Fat asshole. Where do you live, LA? Oh yeah. You live in LA? East Hollywood, yeah. You love it? No, disgusting. You hate it? I'm a Torontonian. I'm an East Coast, yeah. You love it? No, disgusting. You hate it?

I'm a Torontonian, I'm an East Coaster. I love, it's disgusting. I don't love it. You like the winters, you like the fucking toughness of it. You like the attitude. My rent is $1,800 for a two bedroom. That's great. It's demented, I can't leave.

I can't leave, we split it. I'm fucked, I can't leave. Is it nice? No. My my apartment is nice. OK, the area is disgusting. I'm right. I'm right off. I'm one to one Santa Monica. It's disgusting.

My neighbors all hate me. It's a whole thing right now. It's a whole thing. But you're you're you're doing great. You're in movies. You're in TV. You get your own special. I think these things pay. I know it's like sad. I know. You know what? I want pay? No, I know, it's fucking, isn't it sad?

You know what, I wanna make this clear because people are like, oh, Netflix special. Did you just fart? No, honestly, I put my shoe up at the exact same time and I tell you right now, I would say if I farted. Okay, I know you would. I don't think I'm over here. I put my shoe up, see, shoe, look.

I know, you're a fucking hemorrhoid, you told me everything. Like I'd be like, I'm a hemorrhoid, and then I'm gonna do that, you're gonna fart, I know, you're a fucking hemorrhoid. You told me everything. I would, like I'd be like a hemorrhoid, and then I'd go, did you get a hemorrhoid? I went, I didn't fart. Of course, I'd be like, I blue ass, give me a fucking, get Jonah to wipe my ass. I have a fucking piece of shit in the fucking seat.

I would tell you if I farted. People think that when you do your first Netflix special, you make all this money, I'm like, I hate to break it to you. I'm tanking the hole over here. I'm like, I spent every cent. It's gone, I spent every cent. They give you the money to make the special.

And I made the special, and I'm so happy with it. And you don't get paid again. I'm fucking. It's not like you put it out on YouTube or you put it on your website where you make money. I spent every fucking cent I could on everything. Every fucking camera, every fucking angle, every piece of lighting. It's worth it. And it is worth it. And now when you bought the house, the tickets on the everything every camera every fucking angle every piece of lighting

It's worth it and it is worth it and now when you're going how's the tickets on the road must be enough I haven't I haven't gone out yet just came out. So you go. You must have a tour lined up Yeah, I gotta make sure lined up right five tickets people Bobby loves my nose. I Try yeah, I got a I got a big tour lined up, but I'm like, it's not even that I'm like I would never I would I don't regret anything. I'm like, I want it, it looks exactly how I fucking wanted it to look.

You're ready to, listen, you're ready to fucking rock and roll. I've been ready for 23 years. A hundred percent, but it doesn't happen overnight. No, I know, I know, I know. You're ready to fucking do it. Yes. If you were given the opportunities 15 years ago, you would've fucked it up.

I would've panicked. You would've panicked. How do people get shit early? Because they want it. They want it, but I'm like, of course I want it, but now I'm like, now if people watch my special, like who is this fucking bitch, and they go on my Instagram or whatever, they're like, oh, she's been doing this for literally 30 years.

Like, I have a whole thing to look at. It's not just like one hour, like go to my... You're ready to fucking do it. I have a new hour I'm fucking already working on. You have another one. Well, I mean, let's not say it's a new hour. Let's say it's a new 32. It's good.

A lot of crowd work. That's great. My new hour is a lot of crowd work. It's all right. It's mostly crowd work. But it's majority crowd work. No, I have a couple jokes in there. It ain't a lot.

No, there's some I'm trying to. We met before, where did we meet? We met quickly at Ari's Storytelling. We met for two seconds. Two seconds. And I was kind of like nervous to meet you. Why? Because everyone loves you.

No. All my- Danny and Joe don't like me. Danny and Joe are fucking losers. And I'm going to go wash them both in the shower when this is so much Danny. He's the one who's Daniel pass out. No, they're both nice boys.

No, like Pavi and Pat Berger and Graham Kay. Like all these guys, the Canadians respect you so much. And I like I was saying who was doing the R.H. of years story telling show. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. Yeah, we can. But here's the thing about the story telling show. And I storytelling show. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. Yeah, we can, but here's the thing about the storytelling show, and I love Ari.

I thought it was about stories, but some people were just telling jokes. You know what I mean? Which was weird. I did a story. You did a story. I did a full. Yeah, you did a story.

There's no jokes. Some people did stories. A lot of people did stories. But it was storytelling. There was a couple people that did jokes, like bits, and I was like, that stinks. I don't know if those are getting in bits, and I was like, that stinks. I wish I could have done that.

I got good story bits. I don't think those are getting in. Really? It was a storytelling show. Hang on one sec. My wife. Your wife is calling you? She must be listening.

Oh shit. Oh my god. She must have heard the things about you. The nose? No, the whole thing about you, you were going to fucking check my asshole. It rained really hard back home. Went over to check. Garage no water.

Door. Where at how, fucking whatever. That's it, door, she talks like that? Like an ape? Yeah, no, I meant- Door, no. My wife got in a car accident, she has a head injury. I'm sorry.

I didn't tell you. She did. I should have told you. No, I swear to God. Are you serious? I swear to God. That's why she doesn't fart in front of me because- You're such a fucking sack of shit. I believe that, I swear to God. Are you serious? I swear to God. That's why she doesn't fart in front of me because...

You're such a fucking sack of shit! I believe that, I got upset! She speak like this. No, she doesn't. Seriously, she's got an Asian accent. She's Asian. No, she's Polish. She hit her head, she all of a sudden she like,

I not go home to you, but I know fart in front of you. She doesn't. Rain hard. I'm gonna make her a fart for tonight. Rain don't get in garage. Rain hard sweet cherry. I go home, front of you. She doesn't do it. Rain hard. I'm gonna make her a parking tonight. Rain hard, rain don't get in garage. Rain hard sweet cherry. I go home, we're here now. Okay, I, yeah, she's retired.

Danny Teller. It's very sad. It really is. All right, well just shut up, Danny. Stop, come back. It's sad. Itches back, you piece of shit. It's sad, it's sad, it's sad.

Joe's the back of the truck. But Joe getting both, it's all in my head. It makes me sad, because my wife used to be so cool. And now she's- She's cool. Stop. I don't want to. I don't believe you. All she does is make beef and broccoli.

I actually love beef and broccoli. I love it too. That's why I'm happy with it. I'm starving right now. But she does know karate, which was cool. Kempo. Okay. Which is American karate, which is weird. It's like Japanese-

Canadian, so I don't know How have you asked me? No, I'm gonna ask you about Canada and all of a sudden Bobby is the perfect size penis Perfect size penis Danny. Can you not Danny's disgusting? He's a pervert. He's a fucking piece of shit He's gonna go wash your dick. The second this is done. He washed my knees going he's gonna go with his Hi, I make him wash his wash my dick with his eyes. And he goes, perfect. I make him use eye juice, I make him, I make him keep his eye open like this, and I rub it across his eye.

And that's the way I clean my dick. And he's never had pink eye. No, he's never had pink eye. So congratulations. No, my dick is clean. Clean, squeaky. It's part of my body. All right, Canada.

I do wanna ask you about Canada, because Canada's fucking a little weird to do comedy in, right? Is it? I don't know how, see Canadian comics are pretty clean what comic that came out of Canada Bobby last week we had JJ Lieberman who's the dirtiest man Oh JJ Lieberman now can I say something about JJ Lieberman all right hang on one sec wait wait wait wait, wait. And I don't give a fuck. Wait a second, Steph. Wait, go ahead.

JJ Lieberman, back in the club, back in, I remember years ago, was doing jokes about how disgusted he was by women. They're fucking pussies, make me fucking sick. All these jokes. I remember one night, he would say how the vaginas are so disgusting. I remember one night, I was so serious serious and I took him aside. I went,

Hey JJ, I'm like, I don't want to be rude, but I'm like, do you think you're like like men? He's like, fuck you. And I'm like, look, man, like the way you talk about women is like bizarre. It seems like you hate women. Like maybe you're gay. Yeah. Five months later, he's like, I'm fucking this guy's ass and a Hershey Kiss is on my tip. And I'm like, what did I, and he made me see them, I was a piece of shit for being like, if somebody- Can I stop you one second?

Hates. What's a Hershey Kiss on my- Like shit on the tip of his dick. Oh my God. Because he was fucking men. And I'm like, buddy, if any tip of his day. Oh, my God. Because he was fucking men. And I'm like, buddy, if you if you if any, I'll say this to me, if any man is on stage talking like very vocally about how disgusted they are by women. Yeah.

They are not straight. Right. They don't like women. That's true. I'm sorry. You can't be repulsed by a vagina and then want to fuck it. You're like, I mean mean look, a vagina. And now he's out there fucking,

whatever he's fucking, he's fucking hoes. He's fucking dudes, he's fucking chicks, he's doing all. Sure. But he was acting like he was so repulsed. I'm like, this is not for you. You're fucking smart. I'm a very educated woman. Did he ever give you credit?

He never gave me credit, J.J. Lieberman. Fucking asshole. And I saw him recently at the AVN Awards, and guess where he was? In the gay aisle. He was in the gay aisle at the AVN Awards, and there wasn't a lot of men there. So guess what, J.J., I saw you.

I saw you there. Yeah, I was hosting it, so I saw him. So you and J.J. are Dirty Comics, that's all I know. No. What other Dirty Comics are from Canada? Jared Campbell. No, I... What other dirty comics are from Canada? Jared Campbell? No, no. Trey.

Who? Trey Durana. Oh, is Trey, yeah, Trey's Canadian. Is he dirty? Yes, he is. All right. Alex Pavone is super clean. Pavone is not dirty.

No, he's not dirty, but he's... Who else, you know, now that I, now that you're really making me think about it. There's not a lot. There's not a lot. There's not a lot. There's actually not a lot. There's a lot of comics that come out of there.

Graham Kay's clean, Pat Berger's clean, Ian Bagg is clean. Yup, keep going. Deb Giovanni's clean. Deb Giovanni's clean, the other guy, John Doerr's clean. Devin, Danny.

Danny Martinello. Yeah. Clean. The other guy, David, David, David, who Dave, who's Danny? Danny, Danny, Sarah, Danny Polshuk, Danny Polshuk. Is he, he's dirty. He's not that dirty. Ryan's pretty dirty. Ryan's dirty. Ryan's dirty? He's not that dirty. Ryan's pretty dirty. Ryan's dirty, Ryan's dirty. Ryan's not that dirty.

Robbie Hoffman is, I guess. No, Robbie's dirty. No, he's all right, but not that dirty. Michael, Mike. Mike. Manny. Manny. Tom Green.

Tom Green. Tom Green's just weird. Weird, yep. Manny. Norm. Norm. Norm MacDonald's clean. He's dead. What do you say? You're saying Manny, and I'm like, who's Manny? I'm just. Norm MacDonald's clean. He's dead.

What do you say? You're saying Manny and I'm like, who's Manny? I'm just trying to give you a cut out of your mouth. I'm like, Manny, I know Ghanese. I'm telling you, Manny, like, dirty. You're right, you're right. You're actually... Jerry Dee?

Jerry Dee, filthy pig. No, it's not. I can't believe it. You fucking pig. You disgusting pig. No, he's actually pretty clean. What comics do you, what comics? Has anybody given you a rise up right now?

Has anybody fucking with you? Comic wise? Who do you wanna take care of? Who do I take care of? Who do you want me to fucking talk to? To be honest, all the comics have been so fucking nice. Tim Dillon called me today. He's the best.

And he watched my fucking special, and he goes, you should be so fucking proud. You should be acting. Thanks for watching it again before this. I'm watching it tonight, you hoe. Thanks for watching. I'm watching it tonight. Thanks for watching my big fat nose for the interview.

I'm gonna watch it. Tim Dillon said it's so good and I should be so happy and I'm so, I should be a good actor. I'm gonna be a great actress. What did Bill say? What did Bill say? I don't know if Bill's even watching it. What the fuck?

He produced it. I know, I don't think he's watching. I think he watched it. He watched it. I don't know, I didn't ask him. I'm gonna watch it tonight, ho, and I'm gonna text you. I'm gonna get your number, you fucking ho, and I'm gonna text you.

Get your wife to watch it, she'll love it. I'll never tell my wife about you. Why? Because. She'd love it. Are you crazy? I'm telling you right now, your wife would fucking love it. I'm gonna fucking watch it.

Your wife, if you're listening right now, your wife will love the special. I don't care about you, these men don't like. You don't do that. You love men. I'm just saying I love men but they hate me. So women. If you say that about men then you're gay. I suck my boyfriend's ass and he has a hemorrhoid. Alright I'm gonna throw up. My wife's gonna answer any second. She's got her hands up. I hang on a second dawn. She's not good. That's that's that's a ringtone Why wouldn't she answer the rain? She's up in the mountains right now Wow cause I'm forwarded

God forbid I'm gonna I'm going up to see you tomorrow night. I'm going up to New Hampshire We're gonna be a hamster. I got no I live here, tomorrow night. I'm going up to New Hampshire. We're gonna be. You're in New Hampshire. No, I live here, but I got a little house up there. Excuse me, someone's doing well. I'm not doing that, it's a tiny house. I'm not fucking Bill Burr. I'm not doing Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. What are you, Tim Dillon, six houses?

Got a house in New Hampshire. You guys got five houses. Tim, he's giving me. I lived out in Florida. I got a place in the Berks, she is. He's like, you should buy an Eagle Rock. Austin doesn't have any restaurants, so I moved over to fucking South Texas.

I moved over to Dallas, I got a house, I got a condo. And then I moved, I got a place in Toronto, T-Dot, I call it T-Dot, I go up there. I love the food in Toronto. I love the fucking dumplings, and I love Asian cock, and Toronto's full of it. It's right. It is? Yeah, it is. Very multicultural city, great city, full of it. It's right. It is.

Yeah, it is. Very multicultural city, great city, check it out. It's great, great dim sum. It does, and they have great Asian cock. We have great Asian cock. Unbelievable, you ever been with an Asian guy? I actually haven't. Good.

Just because they don't like me. No, they love you. No, honestly, even Asian guys, everyone fuck me. What? Jared Goldstein, one gay man, one fuck me once, and I was like, are we fucking? what I did Jared Goldstein one gay man One for me once and I was like are we fucking it? I'm like you're gay. I can't fuck it makes no sense But no other gay no other age. I mean is everyone to fuck me and I would You missed out you missed out

All right, listen we I I'm so happy that I got nice. I'm so happy you came on I'm gonna watch a special tonight. You're gonna give me your fucking number. I'm gonna text that I got you. This is nice. I'm so happy you came on. I'm gonna watch a special tonight. You're gonna give me your fucking number. I'm gonna text you my real thoughts. I'm not fucking around. Thank God. What's this? Shit, this is my dates.

Oh, you go punch up the- Are you on it? Hey buddy. What's up? I'm on Punch Up. Punch Up's the best. PunchUp.live slash, what was it? You going by Phil Bobby?

Robert Kelly. You going by Robert Kelly? Yeah, there was a Bobby Kelly back there. Bobby Kelly oh was there Robert Kelly slash tickets for shows yeah go see him in Portland July 25th to 26 it's it go check him on a Rochester I'm not working 10 just go listen 11 let me do your dates I love you we got Tampa Florida October 23rd side splitters. Do you smoke cigarettes? Sometimes. Nice. October 23rd. Keep scrolling. You smoke cigarettes. Joe, I'm going to fucking punch. Got side splitters October 23rd. Go punch him in the asshole. To 25th. Check him out.

23rd. Then we got, I don't know what the fuck that is. Something Emma miss me is where is a is where the fuck is that PA November 1st? New Orleans or you don't need to go through all this 16. There's a lot. This is a lot I listen punch it and what you're what you're punch up. What is where can we see your dates? Go watch my fucking special that look at this. I don't care about this please God please for fuck sakes watch my special I'm not top 10 I'm gonna kill myself on Netflix please watch it on Netflix go watch tonight listen to me every we're gonna go to patreon now before we go there patreon.com says Robert Kelly all the fans of patreon have a few questions for you so if you want to ask questions I want

to want see the actual little stuff go to patreon.com, that's Robert Kelly. Make sure you go check out her special right now. It is on Netflix. Check it out right now, and I want you to watch it, and then in the comments, or go tell her how much you loved it. Please! Alright?

You're always bitching about, when is it gonna be funny people? It's funny! This funny person right here in front of you, and she's got a special out, and she's hilarious. Boys, what do you got besides fucking huge eyebrows? Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Brath, and come to Commia Verbe in Somerville, New Jersey the third Thursday of every month.

Hello, Dawn. Oh shit, hang on. Dawn. Dawn. What? Dawn. I want to talk to, I have a comic-con right now on my podcast. I want you to say hi.

Hi. I told Bobby that you'd like women and I think you'd like me. Okay. I'm a nasty woman and I'm gross. Remember the girl that was in Billy's movie? Remember I farted on the balcony? She was in Billy's movie. She had the like the fucking lesbian haircut. That's me. Steph Tolive.

I have I have a mullet. I'm not trying to fuck your husband. I'm I'm disgusting. I have a special. Trust me. You're disgusting. I have a special trust me. You're good Uh, I have a special on Netflix right now. I'm a disgusting pig and he was like I'll watch your special tonight I was like, I think your wife will like me more. So I think you guys should watch it together. It's called filth Queen Remember we were gonna watch it the other night Yes, and I asked them if he farts in front of you and he said he doesn't and he said

he toots and he's a fucking pussy and I'm annoyed by it. He needs to fart in front of you. I do fart. You need to fart in front of him. It's disgusting behavior to not fart in front of your fucking person. She farts in front of me. Yeah, she's fucking better. When I sleep.

No, you should fart in his eyes when he's wide awake. This is bizarre behavior. I'm gonna get pink eye. Now you're getting cat waste. I hope you This is bizarre. I'm gonna get pink eye. Now you can carry away. Hope you get nuts. I hope you get pink eye. Okay, why? We're gonna watch it this weekend.

All right. All right. Nice to meet you. Thank you. I love you, baby. I'll talk to you later. All right. Yeah.

All right. Bye bye. Very heavy phone. What's on that? A brick? A gold bar? No, this is my actually... Absurd.

This is connected to my heart because I have a thing in my heart. Okay. Don't fuck with me. What? Be stupid. I'm not be stupid. You be stupid. I fucking love you.

Listen, Joe, what do you got? Ah, this is Joe. Joe is still here? Oh shit. I go to YouTube, type in the cheese show. It's my show about cheese. I swear to God. Is he serious?

He does. He has a show all about cheese on YouTube. Him and his wife. He's a wife? Yeah. Yeah. And then August 13th. She's hot.

No, I swear to God. Big cans. Can I say that, Joe? I don't know, she's pretty hot. Yeah, she's hot. She's like way hot. I mean, it's like hot. Yeah, she's hot. She's like way hot, I mean it's like weird. Yeah, and she's the nicest, funny, she's so funny and awesome. What the heck?

Yeah, you wanna talk to her? Let's call her. No. That's real quick. Have you ever, are you serious? Yeah, I call her hand first. He's calling your wife. Ooh.

You think your wife, ooh, I just called somebody else I shouldn't have called. She might answer. She better answer. I'll be so mad if she doesn't answer. Ready? I can't believe you're calling. I'm calling Joe's wife. Are you FaceTime here?

What if she answers and she's- Are you FaceTime here? What if she's naked, she's like, hey. Are you FaceTime here? Yeah, why not? That's so creepy. It's not creepy, I'm friends with her. What do you mean?

She's friends with me. Call. I'm friends. She's not answering your FaceTime. She's, hi. Oh my God, I can't believe you answered the FaceTime. Hi. You are hot. I can't believe you're into the FaceTime. Hi. You are hot.

I didn't. Say hi. Sorry. Joe said he had a hot wife and then I was like, yeah, right. And then there you are. So I, no offense. I have peanut butter on my finger. I can't see your fingers, but you look great.

You have no makeup on. You're hot. Fuck. I Joe said he had no hemorrhoids. I'm annoyed by him right now Joe's a liar I'm just so honored to be hot enough to annoy another person well there you go I can't believe you answered Bobby's FaceTime that's the crazy part. We're friends! Oh yeah Bobster! Bobster's one of my favorite people. What's up ham face? It's so good to see you, Bobster.

I can't, I was like, she's not going to fucking answer the phone. And there you go answering peanut covered fingers. And here you are. I told you she's the best. I love Hamface. Hi, Hamface. We'll talk to you later. Bye.

I can't breathe. I'm loving it. I love you. Bye. She's the best. She'd love my special. She will. Watch it. You're going to watch it this weekend, right Joe? Got to watch it. Listen, seriously, it's fucking great to have you on. I'm her. She'd love my special. She will. You're gonna watch it this weekend, right Joe?

Gotta watch it. Listen, seriously, it's fucking great to have you on. I'm so glad we got to hang out. I've seen you from a distance for a little bit. I saw you in Billy's movie. I was like, who's this fucking crazy little dick lesbian? And then I found out you had a boyfriend. I was like, oh, fuck it, get the fuck out of here.

And now, and Danny said he asked you to come on. I was so honored you came on. And I'm gonna watch a special this weekend. And you fuckers should too. Right now we're gonna go to Patreon. We have questions from the fans. Can you stick around for a minute? Please, yes.

All right, we'll see you guys next time on You Know What, Dude?