Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #598 | Derek Drescher & Geo Perez

Episode Date: August 3, 2025

Derek Drescher and Geo Perez return to the pod this weekGet the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude? Live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day where it all started before them all. YKWD.

This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, how are you ruining this? Where's the barbana, man? Sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show?

This is the original. The original. What's up, everybody? Welcome. It's me, Bobby K, Shades Kelly, fucking six fat fucking fatso Puerto Rican Bob, Dominican Bob, lifeguard fucking motherfucking Kelly, all kinds of shit. Danny, what do you call me? Babo! Babo! Anyways, welcome to the podcast YKWD. We're back at the Comedy Cell. We're just gonna get

right into it. Danny, who do we got? We have Derek Drescher and Gio Perez on the podcast today. And who do we not have? We do not have Steve Rennazzisi for the second time. And why? Because I messed up. Why? I texted him and asked him if he's available Thursday. Right. Because it's a t-day

It's a t-note. You know what? Every day is a t-day when you're fucking doing tea What's up testosterone when you're doing tea? Danny can you turn my headphones up a little bit pal? Yeah, can I put my headphones on so I can hear you? I can hear shit. Yeah, what's up? You could do could do it on the, there's a knob next to... Yeah, he's standing right there. Ah, you beat me to it, you fuck. Hey, you fuck. Oh, there we go, thank you, Danny.

Listen, what's up, boys? Listen, Steve Rennazzi, love him. Would've been hilarious on the show, but we'll do him Thursday, we'll do an episode with him, but I'm glad you guys are here. We almost weren't. Why? We almost didn't make it.

I was in Long Island when he told me that. And I planned to rest until like Thursday, Friday. What? I was going to rest. For what? Because I had surgery on Friday. All right, let's get into this fucking gay surgery. He got his back blown out.

Yeah. You had, what happened? It was called a trans anal. So you're trans. Are you, is she, is she her? Yeah. Oh, is they them? What is he now?

Well, the thing is, what trans anal is they add a clit to the top of your butt. Oh, good for you girl. So now he has the bussy. It feels twice as good when I shit now. That's so nice man. Good for you for trans anal. Trans anal and ghost topic.

It's pride month, hey history month. Bro, you know what? I'm gonna tell you something right now. You go trans, all your anger goes away. No. Yep. I'll get more angry. Now you'll get more You go trans, all your anger goes away. No. Yep. I'll get more angry. Now you won't, you'll get more dick.

No, I get pissed about stuff. Yeah, you get pissed about getting too much dick. Come on, admit it, dude. No. Okay. I would get mad. If I was a woman, I would've. You'd be an angry woman.

I'd be doing life in prison. Really? 100%. Wait a minute, stop. Men, cause men think better and clear. So you, why? You throw me in a woman, you throw this brain in a woman's body, it's over It's done

Fucking over, yeah, especially if I look good, if I got nice tits, nice ass, I'm done I'm killin' somebody You do, you do Well you're Jewish so you're gonna have some big nights Yeah You're Jewish And Puerto Rican Are you Jewish?

Get out, get out Danny, I told you, only Palestinian people Or ones that look like them. Yeah, which is you. Bobby, you look fucking Middle Eastern right now. Whoa, whoa. What? Where are you going to hurt me? Where are you going to fucking do that? I mean, the beard, the tan.

Why are you going to hurt me? He does, doesn't he look like you? No, he looks like like like a retired, like a retired, like a veteran. You remember the Arab guy from the Anna Jones movies? He's called me a veteran like a veteran. Yeah, I'm a veteran cuz the hat You got the little camouflage. You look a little jacked what like a seal team Delta? Not like a potato peeler

There's nothing worse when you make the autistic laugh the tizzy to it hurts worse When you make the autistics laugh, the tizzy two, it hurts worse. The autistic two. Those are good kids over there. Alright. Good kids. We should stop fucking treating them like we're in rehab. This guy's a good kid, he's gonna make it. He's gonna do it, I swear to God.

I've seen kids do this and this kid's doing what he's gonna do to get stuff. I was just going off at the mouth while they were just them. What were you doing? I was just running my mouth. off at the mouth, so I just, while they were, just them, so I gotta, you know. What were you doing? I was just running my mouth. What were you running? My mouth. Why, what were you saying?

I was just saying about people I don't like. Oh, you were talking about comics. Yeah. Really? One in particular. Rich Ross. No, I love Rich. No, you don't.

I fucking love him. Nobody does, not even Barney, his wife. His children don't love him. Rich is a good guy, though. Not even Bonnie, his wife. His children don't love him. Yeah, Rich is a good guy though. Oh, will you stop what you're fucking... He's not gonna do anything for you. I don't need him to do anything for himself. Bro, that's the thing. I don't need, I don't need nobody to do nothing for me. I like Rich. He makes me laugh. I like Rich too. Hey, you know what? You can't go funny and then go serious. I'm not serious at all. You told me that you hate Rich. I never said

that to you. I know but see I was being funny and now you're being serious. That's what I meant you piece of shit. You said he's too Jewish. Yeah you did say that. He was like he's too much of a heath. Only when he talks other than that he's good. So you had your anal trans surgery. What trans anal endoscopic micro surgery. What is go. It's a little more in depth than a colonoscopy. Can't they do change the name? It sounds like you went trans. The name freaked me the fuck out. As soon as I saw what the name of the procedure was,

I didn't, I did not like it. What'd you say to him? You're going to give me a click? I just said this is what this called. I go trans anal. She goes in the doctor goes, yes. That means through the anus. So it also has micro in it, which does sound like it's going to make you.

Yeah. Micro penis. Mike. Like getting fucked by a little tranny dick. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. I mean, that's his point of view.

He's Spanish, so he can say the N word and tranny dick. That reminds me of black comic told me to tell you something. What? He's like, why are you spitting in a N word's mouth? Who? They said you spit in somebody's It's like, why are you spitting in a N-word's mouth? Who? They said you spit in somebody's mouth? No, it was a Filipino.

Oh, Paco. Dude, we all can spit in Filipinos' mouths. Wait, hold on a second. Paco, you guys spit in Paco's mouth? No, Paco's one of those like, you know, jackass type, he'll do whatever. Yeah. And we were on bonfire and he's like,

somebody's spitting, somebody's, so I was like, ah, come here, I'm gonna spit in your mouth right now. And I iced coffee, I took a sip and I go, and he came over and I did it. And I'm like, that's fucking nuts. Damn. Yeah, it's weird.

I missed that one. Yeah, it was great, but he's not black. I would never do this to a black man. No, no, no, a black comic asks me to ask you that. Ask, ask. Oh, so N words means just men in general. Oh, no. Yeah, why you spitting in another man's mouth?

Yeah, why are you spitting in... That's the... Why am I spitting in... He was using it as a pronoun. Yeah. Do I know the black comic? Probably. No.

Oh. You know what? I'll tell you, he's got a good point. But I did it for shits and giggles, but in hindsight, I shouldn't have did it. Yeah. You don't want shit like that out there. Well, it's... I don't really care.

I mean, it is what it... Okay, if I was on the other end of it, look, I put my balls in Jay's hands today. On camera? Yeah. Like, like people could see it. Like, did you lift up or you just had it out there and you dropped it?

He had his hands and I put them in his hand. Were you wearing like champion shorts or something? I had my this on right here, but he told me that I had, cause I was doing a little fucking tea. You know what I mean? He's like, you're gonna get treated. You're hanging out with Aaron? What the fuck's going on with you?

We're fucking draining our blood once a month, huh? We're vampires, bitch. Blood transfusion? We, yeah, sorry. So you unbuckled your pants? No, there's no buckle. I'm not fucking Dick Van Dyke. No, he grabbed Jay's balls.

No, he put his balls in Jay's hands. I'm right here, the guy who did it. Ask me. Stop asking each other. You don't know. You dropped Trow. Nope, just pulled my balls out. Damn, big of your fucking balls.

Pretty goddamn big. Big enough for him to call them they thems. Yucks. Did he shuffle them around like those little metal balls? Unfortunately, not. Those little meditation balls? Because it's all one big ball at this point. It was hot today, too.

It was just a swollen puff. Like one of those, you know those little snow, the snow cones? Yeah. Or a snowball, the little chocolate with the coconut? Yeah, yeah. It was like that. Flip that upside down, put it in your palm of your hand.

That's your ball. That's my nuts. Your Bobby spheres? Yeah. So you got your asshole eaten up. Yeah. No, what happened? What is it? I mean, it's what what what's in there is there are some growths in there. They needed to get out. Yeah How'd they find him you find him yourself? No, I just once I got when I had boyfriend found him. Yeah Wow Geo

Actually, that's nice. You sweetheart you put your mouth down there and what happened? Well, first the gerbil came out and the gerbil seemed alarmed. Big reverse. Somebody said to me they go. Nice reverse. He did it here. You reversed it and he reversed it back to your gerbil Richard Gearass. Somebody asked me, they go, what are you going to do when they tell you that Geo's dick's

got to come out of there. Back again. Now it's on you. Come on, silly gay boy, what do you got? I got nothing. Wow. I got nothing after that. Nice.

You got that. Nice volley. So seriously, when you had his tongue in your ass, is that when he found out, I'm Barbara Walters. We'll be right back. No, so how did you find out you had stuff? You went in for an exam? Well, I got sick like three or four months ago.

Sick of taking it in the ass. Yeah. It's called AIDS. Yeah. Bro, I thought I got sick like three or four months sick and taken in the ass. Yeah It's called AIDS. Yeah, that's right. I thought I had AIDS. I thought I had cancer Why did you think you had AIDS? I I lost like 40 pounds in like a month How could you get a and I was getting and I didn't use a condom. Yeah Ping pong and gay jokes back. This is fantastic I figured this out as a ping pong and gay joke. This is fantastic. So so yeah, I had an infection. I had one in my liver, had one in my stomach.

And then I was spread to the. Oh, no, really don't know. So you had an effect like sepsis. No, no, no, not. That's not what that's like in the blood, isn't it? I guess it is bad. And then it spread to the colon. And then as they were checking out my colon last month,

they're like, we got some stuff in here. That should come come out really. Yeah, was it like a watch from a past birthday Watch was a bag of coke up there a purple latex glove It would have been hilarious if there was a fucking sharpened fucking toothbrush Note like a fossilized fucking eight ball a treasure Maclish shashank redemption There's a shank of a fossilized eight ball. What else would I had up there weapons of mass destruction crack pipe? Somebody's phone number. Hey, let me ask question. So and what how did they get rid of the infection? That was with the antibiotics

Geez, man. Yeah, that's terrible Yeah, and they were they worked the first time and then I had to do another round because it came back But I was getting bad fevers. They never told you what it was. Maybe it broke maybe a tech I go to the VA because I Was I'm a veteran but they don't have the best communication over there. Sorry. Why don't you show some war criminal? No, I don't salute war criminals. Were you a war criminal? I mean, I guess we all are to some degree.

Wow. What are you fucking woke? But you got to do what you got to do for your country. Amen. You know what I mean? That is a fact. Bro, look at the shirt. U.S.A. Baseball. Just just don't read the second part. It's the USA. That's the bald eagle right there.

Let me ask you a question. Go ahead. What branch of the military are you in? Army. Who? Who? Who-ah is Marines. Who-ah is Marines. Who?

Who? Is the Army. Who? Now, I want to talk. Who, Sartre? Do you know anything about the military? I was in for 11 months before they politely asked me to leave. They asked you to leave?

Why? Do you know what a piece of shit you have to be for a volunteer? We know that we need trained killers we want people to murder other people in the name of us We need you to take a we just take a step back. Yeah, we don't trust you with a gun We need you to go back to New York. What the fuck? Why did you get kicked out? Did I I don't get kicked out what cuz he's trans surgery. They don't allow trans in the middle Oh, wow, don't ask you they absolutely't allow trans in the military. Oh, wow. They absolutely do allow trans in the military. How dare you, Daniel?

They let furries in the military. That's the guy who you called fucking sweet a couple minutes ago. Now he's doing trans jokes on you. See how they turn on you? Yeah, he did it and it bombed, and he did it again. It bombed twice. Want to try a third time, Danny?

It's because he's trans. It was good the third time he cut the fat off. He cut the fat, yeah, less wordy. So what happened? You're in the army. Right. What are you doing? You peeling potatoes? What are you doing? No, I never did the peel potatoes thing but they did used to when I if I got in trouble they would make me stay on post. I wasn't allowed to leave. What were you fucking doing that you were getting in trouble in the army. So, you know how hard it is to get in trouble in the army? I was very good in garrison, which is like your nine to five,

like when you put your uniform, but like when I would, you know, once we would clock out, that's when I had issues. And I got injured while I was in. You were like the black guy in Hamburg Hill. You'd go down and hustle people for pool and have earrings in. The hoop earrings. And then strip dance for older women.

Something like that. I don't want to talk about it too much because they'll take my money away that they sent me. Oh, okay. I don't want you to get your money taken away. So what happened? What happened when I got out? What happened, yeah.

So they kicked you out. They asked you to leave. Yeah. Why? Because you... I didn't get a dishonorable discharge. Okay. Good. That's good. Yeah. So they're just like, Hey man, you did six months. Why don't you take off? You did 11 months. You're great. Thank you. Did you do 11 months? 11 and a half, 11 and a half months. And they asked you to take a seat. Did a little bid. Wow.

Did that, were you sad about that or happy? Uh, once, uh, I knew I wasn't getting a dishonorable I wasn't too Upset about it really yeah Yeah, cuz that a dishonorable even as much of a piece of shit as I was that would have really bugged me Yeah, other men in my family like you know served honorably well now When you came home was your family bummed out I? Didn't tell them for a while, but after After a couple months, they were like, when are you going back? Right.

And I was like, you ain't going back. I'm gonna do construction. Okay. And when you came here over the river with your family, what was that like? It was a long trip, man. Long trip. And it was a big monster truck tire that we all floated on.

Well, it snuck you over in a bucket of baseballs I thought. A bucket of baseballs. I snuck over with a minor league team. You remember they had us do that fucking roast against each other where we had to make power points? Oh yeah yeah. What did you have to do? So we made it. We had to write a power point for each other. And then and then the other one so I'd write G I'd write one about Gio, then Gio would present it. But I told the life story of Gio and I was like, Gio's family snuck him over in a bucket of baseballs and actually put a picture of a baby inside a bucket of bait.

It was hilarious. So like, we don't know what we're reading. Did the baby have a full goatee? Yeah, it was. And then what'd you say about me, Michael Rapp? Jews who want to be black? No, no, no. So the thing is, he has to read it like he's presenting it, but he doesn't know what he's

presenting until he sees the slides. So the first slide it says, why white people should say the N-word. And all the justifications. Hard R and soft A. Really? You had justifications? Yeah, he wrote them. I had justifications, but he had to say them.

Oh really? I was using Michael Rappaport as a reference and shit like he improv the good one He was like it was our word first Yeah, was it ours? I did do that white people's white people saw that. Can you look that up who invented the I don't think so It was white people was it? Yeah, cuz they used it against them and then they realized they're like, oh we could use this Isn't it just Nigeria? I because they used it against them. And then they realized they're like, oh, we could use this. Isn't it just Nigeria?

I don't know. Didn't they just mispronounce Nigeria? I don't even know if Nigeria existed back then. I think they were just saying. This is the wrong group. Find out the origins of the N word. This is gonna be Louis C.K. and Patrice O'Neil coming up. Yeah.

We're taking the N word to space, baby. Gomez just saying it over and over on Skanks. The Rogan compilation. I'm trying to get in the sphere. Yeah, we're taking the N-word to space, baby. Gomez just saying it over and over on skanks. The Rogan compilation. Um, shh. Trying to get in the sphere. You've been on already, haven't you? Yeah.

Yeah, I have. We need to get you another one. Yeah, you think? Yeah. Yeah, I'll get on it. I have nothing to promote. I'm not a say. I don't know anything.

All the stuff that they talk about right now is just so interesting to me, but I have no content. This war shit and Democrats. And you have to invest a lot of time into it and give a fuck about it. Not to be, Danny, can you read this? Danny? I'll read it if you want.

Danny, all right, you read it. You're Puerto Rican, you can read it. The origin of the word lies with the Latin adjective. No, it's from the top. Not to be confused with Negro, Niger, or Niger State. It's a Niger State. Oh, Georgia. I'm in a Niger State of mind.

The origins of the word lies with the Latin, I knew it was you guys, objective, Niger, meaning black. Oh, so it's Latin. It was initially seen as a relatively natural term. Neutral, Jesus Christ, Bob. Hey dude, I grew up with a couple of Nigerians. I grew up in the Niger school system.

You read worse than a Niger. We're gonna get fucked. We're eight minutes in and this fucking asshole's already gonna start talking about this. My grandmother's black, I can do it. And my daughters have black. Come on, my Niger. Power play. Neutral term. And my daughter's half black. Come on, my natural. Power play.

Neutral. I got Bobby sweating right now. Essentially synonymous with the English word Negro. Early attested use during the Atlantic slave trade. Trade. Atlantic slave trade. Trade? What?

Often conveyed. The trade? What's wrong with you? Try to out-dumb me. Often conveyed with merely patronizing attitude. OK, so what's about their attitude? The word to Ghana, derogatory connotation from the mid-18th century onward and degenerated

into an overt slur by the middle of the 19th century. Some authors still use the term in neutral sense up until the latter part of the 20th century 20th century at which point the use of Danny so it was Niger so it was Danny the use of Danny Let's just call it Danny

I like that one part right there was says among African Americans most commonly in the form of Danny Danny the jubelle Da n a that's the n-word whose spelling reflects the phonology of African American English Well, there you go. Yeah, so just Niger. So it's Niger a little stank on it. Yeah It's Danny How do we get this from your asshole to that I mean that's not that's not that far of a Come on man, I want come on Bobby. So bro. Let me ask you a question now you get the surgery done

Yes, so it's actually good that you got this infection. Cause they wouldn't have found your crusties in your bum bum. Yep. Yep. So you had little crusties in your bum bum and they went in and took them out. Four feet up. What?

They went four feet up your butt? Four feet up, bro. With his hand? I asked him, I go, yo, how far up were they? What, ice cream scoop? How do you get up there? I've never heard of a dick that's four feet long. The endoscope. Can I just say something right now? I want to say something. He looks like a genie. There's one foot. There's two foot. There's three foot. That's four foot. That's half his body there in your asshole.

And when you wake, you're awake, right? No, hell no. Come on. No, I was asleep. You were like, yo, you were like, yo, save that shit for us. Well he said, he's like, yo. He refused anesthesia. I want, yo, dude. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's refusing the mask away. I refuse. I refuse. Yo bro, I want to come. Yeah, I want to be awake. It's so funny. Yo, dude, this thing. He's like, listen, we're going to go in here with a tiny camera. I know you get the biggest. Use one. Tarantino use the ones they used back in the day with the curtain and the light bulb that exploded. I wanted to explode them. I want glass in my ass. So they found was it bad? Well if they didn't get that would you been in trouble? That could have been yes. Wow. Yes. I gotta go get mine done again. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. How old are you? Me? I'm about to be 39. This shit's clear though. Yeah, you're good to go? No, he's good. He's good? This shit's clear.

Yeah, because of you. Yeah. You cleared the pipe. Cleared it out with your pipe. You're sick. Yeah. Nice, right? Yeah.

Little hairless little bucket boy. Little faggot. No, I gotta hair you. Little Dominican ting. Little baseball bucket boy. I got a hairy ass, bros. It's just right around the hole too. I don't have like a hairy cheeks. It's just the holes. The Asian women are fucking cold as fuck though at the hospital. They don't give a fuck. Sorry, we need you to please turn on your side please and open the back of your gown. I was like, Jesus Christ, lady. Why? Come on, fucking relax.

They didn't do that for you? Well, I had to turn. Oh, God. I had to turn and then put my fucking dumper out. I had a colonoscopy and I had hot girls. My doctor had these hot nurses. Were you in good shape yet or no? Damn.

Nah, but it was sucked because I knew my little ding ding. Once I put my knees to my chest, it was going to go back into my body. I was just going to see bush fat and hair. My shit was in my body that whole morning. Oh yeah, that operating room is cold as fuck. But just the nerve, when I get nervous, it goes back in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stage fright.

Anytime you're around his hairy asshole. So you got it done, you're done. Now let me ask you a question. You, you're 39, and you never had your asshole checked. Yeah, dude, I had a lady cut up my asshole. I'm sorry. Hang on one second. Just give me one second.

Yo, bro, real quick. Yeah. Hang on. Just give me one second. I'm pretty sure you just had a lady. He said a lady cut up his asshole. Yeah, she did. We did hear this. This real quick. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you just had a lady, he said a lady cut up his ass. Yeah, she did. We're two here. This is great. Yeah. Yeah. So I was taking a lot of Percocets. Thought I had a problem. I didn't know, you know, so, oh, they constipate. Yeah, they constipate. It sucks the moisture out of your feces. I was a drug addict. Yeah, I got it. So I go to get checked out.

Yeah. And this is old lady who goes to do the fucking rectal exam. Really? Yeah. But she had long pointy nails and missed the hole. Can I ask you a question, Gio? Did you have a fecal impaction? Was she going to pull it out? Because sometimes they do that in the hospital. They'll pull it out. I'm literally going to throw up. I'm sorry. Didn't you used to do that for your son? What? Did you used to break up your son's shit?

How did you say that? Buddy, you don't understand that my son and you are two different things. You understand that, right? Yes, I get it. There's a huge difference. Then my son's little pure white hairless asshole and your dirty monkey asshole.

That's racist. No, it's not. You said you're a hairless asshole. You do look like a capuchin for sure. A capuchin? What the fuck is that? Pull up a capuchin. He looks like a little monkey, right?

Yeah, yeah. He does. Somebody said I look like the monkey from Madagascar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that a capuchin?

That's a capuchin? You should be famous. You should be like Andy Serkis, like a motion actor. Somebody said I look like the monkey from Madagascar? Yeah! All right play? Yeah! Yeah! Is that a capuchin? That's a capuchin? You should be famous. You should be like Andy Serkis, like a motion actor. Why? Because you got that look. That gangly fucking look. You know what I mean? I don't appreciate you saying that. You ruined it, man. You're having fun with it.

I know, I got the physical. You got two, you got two, you started doing shit. Yeah, dude. Should have stopped at capuchin. Yeah, capuchin was cute. Capuchin was good. Then you got weird and racist. I'm sorry man. Alright, but go ahead. So the lady is your booty hole. In the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle. Where the fuck are you going

you dumb fucking turd? Did you just highlight all the pictures? What did you do? You got a right click Danny. Go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up. Damn Jesus. Right there. Go up, go up, go up. Why? How far did you go down? No, not that one. What the fuck? That's too dark. Go up, go up, go up, go up. No, the one right there, the white one. Go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up, go up. Can you go far? How far did you go down? He's almost there Bobby's almost right there. No, no right down down down on the branch The tongue out with the tongue out you fucking right there Danny. Yep. That's a Danny That's you right there CEO Perez that's you when you licked his asshole found things in it I look a little o-ring

I look at this little O-ring. So what happened with your asshole? So the lady goes to do the exam, put her finger in, but she didn't even look. She did like a no look finger. Like I'm on my side, she looms her finger up and pokes me in the ass, like pokes my O-ring. And then I feel, and I'm like, oh, I make a noise. And then she goes again, misses the hole again, and then gets it the third time. Does she not have a glove on?

She had a glove on, but the nail was poking through the glove. It was like an old lady. The lady had to be like 65. Did she put any cream in it? White lady or black lady? I was covering, her finger was covered in lube. What was she, black, white, Spanish? But she missed the hole.

What was she? White, old white lady. Old white lady with a finger? Oh, a Spanish lady would have got a right in. Yeah. They would have got it in fucking all net, baby. Yeah. Nothing but water.

Swish. But she missed twice. And then I feel my butt burning, my O-ring burning. And then when I go to clean the lube off, I saw blood on the napkins and shit. So I go and start bugging out on the dock. And I'm like, I'm not paying for this. You guys fucking cut my asshole. You guys cut my asshole. He's like, he comes in, examines me again, but doesn't put a finger in, like he just

kind of checks. So he's like, oh, spreading your butt cheeks to look. Yeah, he spreads my ass to look and he goes like, oh no, there's no bleeding. And I'm like, I'm telling you, I was, I just wiped the blood. I'm like, look in the garbage. And he goes like, no, I don't see any bleeding, blood. Don't worry, we won't charge you. So I took the, you know, like that tissue paper that's on the thing. I wiped my ass with that after the second exam because they did the lube.

I wiped my ass. It was all the blood and I just left it there and walked out the room. That's rough. That's shit. You probably cut your asshole with that. No. Probably gave yourself a paper cut. No, no, no, no, no.

I wiped my ass with toilet paper. I don't think that woman did cut you. I think you cut yourself. No. I felt the puncture. I felt it. I felt the little, oh, oh, like twice. She went boom, boom, and then whoop.

I think you took it too far. No, she took it too far. I think... What, wiping my ass and leaving it there? Yeah, that was too far. No, that's the only way they're going to believe me. That's crazy that he did that, right? With that rough ass paper? Can I just say something? That's too far. No, that's the only way they're gonna believe me. That's crazy that he did that, right? With that rough ass paper?

Can I just say something? That's too far. Dude, that's insane. That paper's rough. But it's not that rough. You never had to wipe your ass with like the wrapper? Like you ran out of toilet paper and you wipe your ass with the wrapper? The wax paper? Yeah! No!

You never had to do that? No, I'd rather wet a sock. What does he say? I don't understand. So you know the wax paper that comes around the toilet paper if you buy single rolls? Bobby's white. He doesn't belt out. How poor have you been? I think this is in jail. I'd rather just pull my pants up and have shit in my ass.

Than to be that poor. Put your ass in the sink. I'm like, yo man, Bobby, I gotta use the wax paper. On the roll. I caught my cousin one time. He just came from DR, and he left the door open. I walked in the bathroom. No, no, Dominican Republic. Okay.

I mean, I'm kind of... Same thing. I'm close. It's a prison with palm trees. But I walk in and he's sitting, like he's standing on the toilet seat and hunched over, like if he was in the outhouse, because that's how you shit in the outhouse. He doesn't know you could sit on the seat in this country. Yeah but I like that you're supposed to shit like that. Yeah that's how you're supposed to shit, knees up. Yes that is right but not on the toilet. He's standing on the toilet seat. That's

actually not bad at all. That's healthy. No people do that. Yeah. All right now in retrospect it made sense. But the thing was he's ripping up a magazine and wiping his ass with the magazine and throwing that in the toilet paper. But the magazine paper is smoother than the wax paper from the toilet paper. Yeah, so you're not going to wipe anything. There's no friction.

So you walked in, he's sitting like a gargoyle on the toilet, ripping a fucking, a foam book. A Maxim. A Maxim magazine. I think it was a Maxim. Gio, have you ever used the cardboard tube? Yeah, I've, if you break it apart, like you know how it's like, you break it apart, it gets soft and you can wipe your ass with that.

That's fucking insane. That's wild. That's wild. So let me ask you a question, guys. Yeah. I've had you on before. Right. And you've guys both, you've been in prison. Yeah. And you've been in prison, and you've been in prison.

Jail. Now what's the difference? It's the same fucking thing. Were you better than him? So you're better than him? No, he's better than me. Oh, he's better than you? Yeah, if you're an idiot.

So prison is better than jail? Yeah. Well, you can move around more, you can eat better. You eat better than jail? Yeah. Well, you can move around more. You can eat better. You eat better in prison. Yeah. Than jail. What's the difference?

You can actually get food from your family. They can send you a box of like beans, rice. Depending on how you have to divvy that out so you don't get your ass fucked. Well, it depends on who you are. Yeah, it depends on you. As a man. Maybe you have to. Hang on now.

Let's just slow down before we have a whole show to get to before you start making me ass raped in jail for fucking Snickers bars. Oh, we'll be raped. Bobby would be, that's a lot of loving right there. What do you mean? Jail rape is a myth. Wait a minute.

It's all consensual in there. Are you saying I'm hot in jail? You just want to cuddle, brother. I'm listening. You getting buff now? Yeah, you looking good, tan. Hang on one second, guys. Have you guys raped me for the podcast?

Can we make it the clip? Danny and Joe, would you sit back there shivering, letting it go down? Because they know they're next. Louis was talking about doing a G. Really? Would you rape them? No, they'd probably let me.

No, Danny would be taking care of all my bills and stuff. Can we do this? Right now, the YKWD, me and the producers of the show, we're in jail. We just got into jail. You guys are here. We're in prison. What happens to me, Danny and Joe? You are going to be fine. You'll be fine. You're going to be fine. Because you're a personality. You're older. You're older guys, so they won't fuck with you that much. Yeah. Uh Danny and Joe I'm worried about. Yeah, protective custody

instantly. I think Suicide Watch, first two weeks in Suicide Watch then. Yeah, I see Danny in a turtle suit for sure. What's a turtle suit? It's a shirt, it's a suit where like. It looks like a bulletproof vest but it's a dress. Yeah, and you're just naked in it. It is to prevent what? You from like hanging yourself. Oh, we gotta get him one now. I mean, we should, he should, he should have that in his backpack. Yo, bring it up. You just look up suicide vest, jail suicide. There you go. Right there. The one all the way on the left. That's it right there. There's a turtle suit. I do. And look, you're not allowed socks, underwear, and sheets, so you're just free balling. And if you're really bad?

How can you not hang yourself in that? Because you can't. It's like Kevlar. Wait a minute. Look, go back to that. Turtle suit. Go back to the... You can't get out. Ah, like a... That's so funny. Look at the helmet.

Why can't he wrap a rope around his neck? Where's he going to get the rope from? It won't tie up. Yeah. They take every... That's all you have in your cell, not even a sheet or a pillow. And you have a guard in front of your cell. Yeah, the whole time. No sheet. And you can't take that off?

No. No, because you're naked under that. That was funny in solitary, solitary they would... That's so funny. I was in that shit for three days. Some places have a solitary where you actually leave your cell to use the phone. One place I was at one time, they would roll the phone to your cell. Pass you the phone through the cell and then the CO would dial the number.

But there was a big spool of phone wire and they would just- Really? Yeah, they'd roll the- Oh, you were in Alcatraz? The phone to the cell. I was in one of those- No, Alcatraz was like fucking carrier pigeons and shit. When I got my gun charge, I told the cop, they're like, oh, why'd you buy this? And I was like, I was going to kill myself.

I'm suicidal. So, the first two days, they put me in, well, they were going to keep me in Suicide Watch for a week, but after like the third day of not having my underwear, I wrote to get out of that shit. But, it's funny that they call it a turtle suit because when I was sleeping- Wait, you was trying to get out of that shit. But like, it's funny that they call it a turtle suit because when I was- Wait, you're trying to kill yourself in the joint? No, no, no, no, no. I told the cops when I was getting arrested.

So I'm like, they're like, why you have a gun for? And I was like, I'm suicidal. Yo, the cops are the- I got the gun to kill myself. They're the fucking worst, bro. So they- Why? Why is he the worst? Because bro, I remember one time I'm going in and- Who the hell help my case

They're bringing me in they're bringing me into jail and the guy the arresting officer was like You know, he's asked me on any medication. Did you serve in the military? So yes, I am a veteran. Yes I need my medication. I don't I don't have it He brings me once he gets me to the jail when he's passing me over to the the CEOs he tells him he's a veteran he doesn't have his medication and The fucking CEO goes well. Yeah, we we know how to take care of that here I'm like you fucking cocksuckers just basically you're gonna threaten me right off right off the bat right off the bat if I act up You're gonna beat the shit out of me. What do you want? Well? Let's fucking go well

That was that's the attitude, let's fucking go. Well, that was the attitude. Let's fucking go. Well, that's the attitude. Guy, because you don't want to know why? Because I need a nap. I'm tired. What do you mean? That's what I'm saying. You want?

Yeah, let's fucking go. Knock me out. So you can take a nap. Yeah, so I could go to sleep. That'd be a nice nap. Stop me out. This is crazy thinking. Yeah, that's why.

That was 15 years ago. CT is real, Bobby. CT is the real thing. I'm also a little. How did you get CT? CTE. How did you get CT? crazy thinking. Yeah, that's why I was 15 years ago. CT is real, Bobby. I'm also a little. How did you get CT? CTE? How did you get C? Fuck off. I don't have to. I haven't been watching. You ever got hit in the head fights? Oh, no, I have. You went, I don't get CV. I don't get CV. I don't know.

I don't get CPT. Why don't you don't have it? So he's just saying that? No, he was just saying that. I mean, I guess I could have it possibly. I definitely have it. I'd have a doctor with me. How do you got it? Oh fuck, I got hit in the head with a bat. I fell out of a car when I was four.

I had a 20 pound bag of birdseed falling on my head at work. He floated here on the Caribbean fucking street. What do you work, Sesame Street? My cousin. Where'd you get 20 pounds? I work in Toontown. Toontown.

Where'd you work? You go to 20? Walmart. Oh Walmart. I was in the pet department and some idiots over stacked a bunch of bags on top of the shelf and it fell on top of my head. Did you get money from them? Yeah I just got it a couple months ago, bro.

Was it good money? Five figures, good amount. Good amount. When people say that, I don't know what that means. Five figures. Well, like $80,000. A little under that. It could be anywhere from $10,000 to $99,000.

I would have fell and started going, uh, uh. I did that in front of my manager. I would never have done a podcast again. I would have been, uh, I know not birds anymore. Well, I am doing that. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm I'm I felt I feel different from that accident. You do? Yeah, I got power drive on my head once. That was like one of my earliest memories. My cousin like picked me up and power drive me down and I had the I had all that shit for the car.

So yeah, I definitely got CT. So when you went to jail. That's why I did good in jail. When you're retarded, you can survive in jail. Right, but jail is shittier than prison. Yeah, because there's nothing to do. So time goes by slow. There's no movement. Why don't you explain it to me, please?

Movement, like in jail, especially a lot of the ways they're built now, they're called, I think they're called class A's. The way they build them now where it's like you feel like even when you go to do your job you feel like you walked very far but you're literally like 50 feet away from yourself there's this there's no movement you had a job in jail mm-hmm what was your job I worked in the kitchen sucking dick yeah how you think I got in at the stand getting fucked in

the ass so I said being a pretty mouth Jesus Christ Can you make them fucking Danny? Don't let that fucking be a joke. What does that mean? Don't say you're sucking guys dicks I said I was not guys pat Milligan. All right Was that the fucking that's what they play when Bobby's about to go on downstairs. That's all folks. That's what they play when you go on down. The last time I, you know, the last time I got up here, I banged my head off the TV and the fat black three times.

Oh really? Three times. Not, not,. Not just like, like, poof. What are you doing? The last time I did it, the crowd.

What are you doing, sound effects now? The crowd. What are you, soda? Pablo Francisco? So bad. The last time I banged my head off, and this was like a solid on the corner head, the crowd went, oh.

Oh gee. I wanna, but seriously, you're in jail. Yeah. So basically like, How long are you in jail for? Total is like 17 months. It's a long time straight through one jail back back. That sucks It was back-to-back bullets and they didn't count one month. How do you not kill somebody? I mean, I got into a couple fights. Yeah, you got back-to-back bullets. What's a bullet? Well, it's a county year county. Yeah the county year. County, yeah, county bullet.

Depending on where you're from, could be 10 months, could be eight. You guys stop talking to me like I fucking know. Bobby, you did time in the joint when you was young. I was in juvie jail. Juvies worse than the adults. Really? Yeah, you never watched Sleepers?

That's about you, I thought that was about you. I thought that was about you and Joe List when you were kids. I never got raped. But they did steal a hot dog truck. Joe didn't do shit. It was you, boss. Joe was a fucking annoying alcoholic jockfag. Jockfag. He was a sports guy?

Joe played sports? Yeah, he's a baseball guy. It's not a manly sport. Whoa. I just said it to fuck with you. It's not. So you're in prison. in prison what prison we use You get sent to so many what they don't keep you in the same one. Why move your round?

They move around why do they keep moving to do that in juvie hall to they moved your round? Yeah, well, why would they want you to get comfortable anywhere? Is that why I mean, that's the only thing I could think of Did you have to join a gang? Something like that. What was the gang? only thing I could think of. Did you have to join a gang? Something like that. What was the gang? What was it? Talk about all this shit. I mean, we, me and Gio, me and Gio bumped, bumped, we bumped into one of the guys and we were on the road up north. You did? Oh God. I was, I was like, oh dude, I didn't know him, but we knew some of the same people and then he started doing the handshake and I was like, oh, the handshake. Yeah. Oh, the guy from Syracuse. Yeah. Yeah. The handshake and I was like, oh. You have a handshake? Yeah. All the guy from Syracuse. Yeah.

Yeah. You have a handshake? Yeah. Oh man. Now would I be able to be in that gang? No. Would he be able to be in it? Gio could, yeah.

You couldn't. I couldn't with Chingalings? You could. Chingaling, what are you, a fucking biker gang from the 50s? You could be in that gang. There's white people in the gang. No, he can't be in that gang.

Why? No, he can't. He won't be like, he can never be a man. He'd be an associate. But he could be in the gang. No, he can't be in that gang. Why? No, he can't. He won't be like a may, he can never be a may man. He would be, he'd be an associate. But he could be in the gang, because I know white people from my town that went up there and became... But they don't really respect... I don't know what he's talking about. Oh, you can beep that out. I don't know what he's talking about. Yeah, beep that out. So when you're in the... Three in the whole country and they're all heroin addicts. They're all right here right now. Bobby, you're the new leader. They either became heroin addicts or

trans. Can I say something more trans, trans anal. Trans anal. That's the name of my new gang. But definitely beat that out because I'm going to get fucking sliced. Yeah. Really? Yes. Yeah. Just in case we're ever in Florida, that's the only place where they really put in work anymore. Let me ask you a question Yeah, I won't mention the gang's name. We'll beep it up. Yeah, but that gang was pretty big back in the 80s and 90s Yeah, yeah, yeah, 90s and into the early 2000s And then they but then once the West Coast gang started to come into New York That's when everything else kind of started to how do they dip down how does something like that go away but it doesn't stay alive in prison it stays a lot in prison I mean there's not many left of them in

in in prison there are that many they become something else a lot of them became bloods yes always so would you if you went back in today I ain't getting involved with no gang shit what are you you gonna do? How are you gonna survive? Maybe I won't. You'll be the jail accountant. I mean the last time I went in I wasn't pulling any of that shit. I just went in as my own and then I waited for those kids to come to like rush myself but then they just never came. Someone was coming to fuck you up? Well you walk into the on the block and then you like don't see anybody you know and everyone's like 15 years, 20 years younger than me. I was like, oh shit, fucking, you know, I'm gonna have to.

I gotta walk me through this. You go in. Put in some work. You get in. So I go into my cell. Hang on. Let me walk you through this. Let me help you with this.

Because you just go whipping through. You get, you walk in, you get in, you get processed. Yeah. You get shook down. You get in, you get processed, you get shook down, you get shake and baked, they give you your outfit, and then they walk you into where your cell is. They walk you to your dorm or tier or cell. And you gotta find your cell? Yeah, they tell you the number.

Yeah, they tell you the number. So you go into that cell and there's a dude in there? No, there's nobody in there, not anymore. So it's your cell? Right. So you're by yourself. Right. And can you just go to bed? Yeah, you can put your thing What are you gonna do? Now? What do you do you stay up because you might get fucked up? Well, they'd have to pop your lock

But the thing is this if you just go in and you and you they have to what? But if you go in and if you go into your pot or yourself because some places are called pods now it depends If you go in and you lock your door like like right off the rip, it just looks... It looks suspect. You look suspect. Why? Or you're withdrawn from drugs. Yeah, it's just doesn't... It's just not a good look.

Yeah. So you have to keep your cell open. I left my door wide open. You leave it wide open because it's like, look, fucker, you come and get it or fuck off. So yeah, so I grabbed one of the t-shirts that they give you like a t-shirt pair of boxers all this you wrapped it around you cock and balls I shoved it up my asshole so that's one of the things that's sucking it you can pull it out you can come quick yeah he put it around his neck I really can come hard yeah I did around the board you wrapped it around

what I toured in half I wrapped it around each hand. So I was just like, you know, because you don't want, you know, you hit somebody in the mouth and their teeth cut you or something like that, you get fucking hep C or fucking, you know, FIV. So you wrapped your shirt around your knuckles waiting for these kids to come. They never came.

And when, now that must have been, when did you say fuck it, I'm gonna go sleep? Not too long after that. Really? Then I, yeah, I waited about an hour, then I closed the cell, yeah. So you closed the cell and then you just go to bed? Yeah, I went to bed and then I woke up the next morning.

That was the first time because I had shaved for court and then some of my hair came back in and it was just all silver. And most times when you get to jail it's already late. By the time you leave court, get there, they process you. By the time you get to your dorm, it's usually like seven or eight so you're only gonna be out for maybe an hour and a half. So then you wake up for breakfast the next day and you go to breakfast you gotta find a place to sit? Yeah. How do you know? That particular place I was in you ate yourself.

You ate yourself? That's a lot better. So you went and got the food and came back? No no no they bring it to you. They you your food. So just a tech car some places you'd come out But they only it's one at a time Like so by the time the last guy's getting his food. The first guy's dumping his tray even for like lunch and dinner Yep, all of them. She's yeah, they do that to cut down on fights and and shit like that That's what I'm saying. You know, that was jail. That's why jails kind of suck because you really don't. It kind of keeps you safer, but you're not really having much, you know what I mean? They would do that a lot when I was in the minor dorm where

they'd lock us down. Where like we'd usually be out most of the day, but when we start acting rowdy, they're like, all right, we're only going to let out five cells at a time for three hours to not have 20 kids out in the dorm. So I go to jail. Right now? If I go to prison, which one am I going to? Prison or jail? You would go to prison. You always start off in jail.

You always go to jail for me. But you would go to prison. I go to prison? Yeah. Now I'm from Boston. Am I going to get fucked up here? Nah, there's people from Boston locked up here. So I go in, do I gotta go find a white dude?

Yes. How fast? Quick. Like how quick? Within a couple minutes. Sometimes somebody comes and finds you. Somebody sees you and they're like, oh let me go talk to this guy. What if it's somebody like, yo man, I know you, you do comedy. That could be bad.

That's bad? Could be. Why be why they might be like make me laugh The next thing you know you're like 30 minute sets in front of the door. Yeah, Marshmello There was this one kid they used to make him sing guys on the dating app So I felt so bad for him they used to make him sing. What's the difference between a Puerto Rican and a black kid? nothing make them sing. What's the difference between a Puerto Rican and a black kid? Nothing. Not in here, right guys? I bet you that would crush. That would crush. Yeah. The funniest people I've ever met in my life were in jail. The funniest, the smartest? No offense. Well, Bobby was in jail. He was in juvie. How long did you do in juvie? Two weeks. 13 to 15 in and out. That's two years. They had out. In and out. They had bed crunches and stuff.

You never caught no kids doing gay shit while you was up there? No, not in juvie. Because you're out in three months. You know what I mean? If you're sucking dick, you're gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At that age, too.

Yeah, nobody was doing that. That's what we say when I was a kid. You either suck dick or you go to jail. Right. Yeah. I go to jail. Two fine options. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 15.

So I'm like, yeah. In the joint, yeah. Yeah, in the joint. Yeah, juvie. No, but I remember when I was, um. I'm going to take it real easy on you, man. It was a guard. Yeah, I was going to be.

I was in there for stealing a hot dog cart. I'm going to take care of you. You guys are so macho. You love being gay to each other. I was in a... I'm the top. No, I was trying... I'm bottom bunk, bro.

You are the bottom. I got a medical. You are bottom bunk. I got medical. That's what I said, you are the bottom bunk. This is the thing, when I went to, there was different ones. So there was, you know, there was kind of regular cool jails and if I shelter care was like a cool Ping pong tables and shit like that

They called it normalization this guy Yitzhak He was a Jew. He came up with this thing called a Normalization program where they would leave the doors and windows open Dude, I was in a program like that in New York, I escaped. Yeah, if you didn't run for 30 days, you got a steak dinner. If you didn't run for 60 days, you got a lobster. What?

They gave you incentives as juveniles. Bobby's not leaving. Juvenile hole, juvenile hole. Bobby was the only kid that didn't run away. A hit sack. Bobby got diabetes there. That's funny. That was his first fact. He was the only kid that didn't run away. Yitzhak. So, but... Bobby got diabetes there. That's funny.

So... That was his first fat. First ju... That was juvie fat. Juvie fat. So, I... That's so funny. Juvie.

Yitzhak. Juvie. So, they, but we had like Halifax was a bad one. They took over an old Jewish camp and they made it into a juvie place. And there was only one. Where are you, fucking Eastern Europe? No, it was Halifax, Massachusetts. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And it was in the middle of a cranberry bogs. So there's only one road in surrounded by cranberry bogs. So. Now cranberries, do they have like stickers and shit on them? Do they stick you? Is it like? No, it's just, it's like almost like water. Marsh? Marshy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotcha. The cranberries are all, yeah, exactly. it's like, it's like almost like water. Marsh.

Marsh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotcha. Yeah, exactly. So there's no, there's only one road in one. And it was mostly black. There was three other, three other white kids. One was a rock and roll dude. There was two other white kids.

Rock and roll dude, kind of a generic white dude, and me. You were like a wigger, right? No, no, I was never a wigger. No, I was Italian Irish. I was Boston, you fucking cocksucker, go fuck yourself. How does a wigger from Boston sound like? Same as the wiggers in New York. Jay.

So, I remember I was in there and they wound up, we were playing New York ball. They had one of the little little where they had the, were you eight? They had basketball hoops, but it was like low. They had low hoops and they called it New York ball where you could elbow and really fight for the ball. Yeah, yeah, street ball, yeah.

We called it New York ball because you guys are fucking savages. Savages. So. We were. Joe House, Joe House ball. So I remember there was a white kid on the other side just playing basketball by himself.

And all of a sudden, man, I saw this black kid look over at all the counselors and they were looking somewhere else and they went, yo, yo. And they took all like four basketballs and they just fucking hummed it up. This kid lit them up, lit this white kid up, this normal little white kid up and it smashed his nose, just exploded blood everywhere. And they just, they went back to playing ball. That was, yeah. And then. When you're a kid you're ruthless. I mean I was bad. And then they, they, they tried to come after me. I was in the shower.

And like one pushed me. And he, but he, they fucked up. He pushed me that way. That one pushed me that way. And this guy pushed me right out of the shower. And I was like, whoa. And I went back to my room. So they kind of fucked themselves. What are they going to beat me up? They ping ponged you right out of there. And then they gave the other kid a blanket party. So I'm like, they're coming.

They're fucking up the white kids. And there's a little black kid, little tiny dude. They called him a godfather. And he was kind of running the room. This is like Rizzo from Sleepwalkers. This is hilarious. So I'm in my room, and I'm. It's like, this is like Rizzo from Sleepwalkers. This is hilarious. So I'm in my room and I'm just, they all come in, like six of them,

and they're following the little godfather. Oh, so you understand what I was saying? Yeah, yeah, he sits down next to me and they ghost me, they're just talking. You know, this motherfucker, they're talking about the kids they beat up. Oh, Jesus. Like this motherfucker, his face blew the fuck up,

right, motherfucker? That fucking white boy fucking home Homeboy bitch home slice motherfucker. Whatever that white boy I know they were like and I'm just sitting there reading pretending to read I just grabbed him and I'm just like fucking reading ignoring them and they go the motherfucking a homeboy bitch fucking white Piece of shit white boy, and they looked at me that you a homeboy you a white boy brother and I was like I'm a homeboy motherfucker and they went shit this guy's fucking crazy and they never fuck with me really they just got up there guy leave this motherfucker alone and they walked out so he sat on

your bed with you sat on my bro that is those power move that's a power move it was powerful. Yeah. There was six of them. You might have been too young to understand, but did you feel what was going on? I 100% knew that. When he said, you a homeboy or a white boy, I know he wanted me to stick up for my race.

Yeah. Sorry, guys. I was like, I'm a homeboy, motherfucker. Yeah, they would have fucked you up. He just stopped you at, this motherfucker crazy. All right, you're cool, man. He left. Damn. And then I got out two days later. He just stopped you at, this motherfucker crazy. You cool man? And he left. And then I got out two days later.

I'm sure I would have took a beating at some point. But two days later they shifted me to another spot. Thank God man. The worst one I went to was in Rochester. The last one. Rochester, New York was bad. Oh you went to D.F.Y. up in Rochester? Yep.

That is a bad place. Not fun. That was a number., you went to D.F.Y. up in Rochester? Yep. That is a bad place. Not fun. Yeah. That was a number. You had to come out. Seven, four, three, you know what I mean? Whatever the fuck. And then it was bad.

That's where I found sobriety. How old were you? I thought you were a big fat god. I did find god. I swear to god, I got on my knees. First time I got on my knees and I got down, I was like, yo, whatever it is, I'm ready to do it. And then a black guy just shows up out the shadow. And I sucked off this guy.

Whips his hog out. And this guy with one arm, he had a baby arm, he goes, suck my dick motherfucker. You had the scary movie Two Arm. I went, I did the sound effect, I was like, thank you God, and I blew that guy. I think he said it was the best blow job he's ever gotten. And he said, you are protected my son.

And he goes, you a white boy, you a homeboy. I was like fucking homeboy bitch I suck dick like a white boy though. He's that here comes the holy water Yeah, you know I gotta say I'm not to get serious for a second But I am happy that I can joke around like this now because I used to not be able to really why is that? I mean geocontern I now because I used to not be able to really why is that I mean Gio can tell I yeah any joke like that any suck my dick stuff I used to get like fucking I used to yeah but I'm the last few years I've really just been like come on man embraced his homosexuality yeah yeah I had to ease him through it well because

it was uh because in that look man as an adult like I said before like as a juvie though that shit didn't really exist in juvie hall Because you weren't you weren't for three four months six months maybe And they would switch you out you'd always get switched to a better place They go here get you know the bed crunch thing and then you go home a lot of times You know what I mean, but the thing that sucked about it Is that like in as an adult you had a trial you got got to, as a child you're owned by the state. So whatever you do they just put you back in. That's what sucks.

As they just, that's why I went back in. You're a ward of the state. Ward of the state. Your parents lose custody of you while you're there. Right, my parents had no rights. They can do whatever they want to. Yep, they put me wherever the fuck they wanted. My mother one time fought to get custody back from me.

Really? And won. She did. And then, but within a week, she was like, she was like, what a fucking mistake that was. Really? Yeah. Now, have you ever come close to getting arrested now?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right down the block, both of us. When? That was during the pandemic. Like, right when things started opening up, right after the pandemic. It was like, maybe in 2021. 21. Summer of 21. Yeah, it was about, started opening up, right? Yeah. It was like maybe twenty one. Twenty one. Summer of twenty one. Yeah. It was about it was about four years now.

Holy shit. Yeah, we had to run. I had to hop in. We had to run away from crime. You came on the show at that point. I think you. Yeah. No, no, no, no. We did the show last year, I think.

That was like two years before. Maybe you talked about it. Yeah, I think we talked about it last time. Yeah, we ran away from the scene of a crime in an electric car. Yeah. How the mighty have fallen. I almost got a Dewey during the pandemic in 2020.

What's that, like a Dominican midget penis? Dewey? Dewey Herman. What is that, a DUI? DUI, yeah. So I was coming back from the city and this was like two, three months into the pandemic and I just moved back from Alabama like a couple months before and I'm doing like 90 miles an hour. I'm drunk, I'm high. I get pulled over. The cop walks

up and the first thing he says, he just smells the weed coming out my car. He goes like, were you smoking? And I didn't say anything. I just looked at him trying to commit suicide. Trying to go back to jail. And he just looks at I didn't say anything. I just looked at him. He goes like, he's like, your eyes are bloodshot right now. Right. And then I just give him my license. He walks away. I call my girlfriend at the time. I'm like, I'm about to go to jail for D we right now. And he's's asked me he's like, Oh, he's like, why do you have Alabama plates? I was like, I'm I came up here visiting from Alabama. He's like, Oh, when'd you come up?

I'm like, about a week ago. He had his mask on. I didn't have no mask, no gloves. So I think he got scared and didn't want me in his car. So he just let me slide. Wow. And just gave me a speeding ticket. Wow. He didn't want to deal with it. Nope. And he probably doesn't give a fuck about weed, he probably smokes weed. Yeah, but I think they would have sold the alcohol too. The closest I ever came to that was, I was getting heroin in Patterson.

So I was like sick. I was starting to get sick already. You know, I like yawned and like some, my eyes teared up. And then I started feeling achy. I'm like, damn, I need more dope. So I go to this spot in Patterson and once- Wait a minute, can you stop for a second? What happens when you need dope?

So the way I would get, when I knew I was getting sick- You call it sick, what is that? Dope sick. Yeah. Dope sick. With drugs. You would actually get sick, you'd have to get on it. If I-

You get like the flu. Yeah. You feel like you have the flu. You had it too? Yeah. So you go both on dope. So and the thing is- I was sniffing it, he was shooting it.

How long would it be for you to get over it? If you were- About a week? Yeah. A week of being sick. So every- Two to feel normal. The longer you do it, the longer the withdrawal is.

Like the last time I went through withdrawal took about 10 days. And that was being like medicated too in like a behavioral health place up in Yonkers. Jesus man. I went through withdrawals in jail and that is the worst. That's the worst. Because you have nothing to help you out.

Yeah. And people can just fuck you up. You can't protect yourself. You're so vulnerable. Really? You just come in? No. I was in the box once withdrawing for two weeks.

Oh, man. Which was kind of good because I only came out myself for half an hour. I remember the first time I got sick, I was in jail. I was off of pills too, I hadn't done heroin yet, but I remember I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, damn, I got some bad cough and it lasted for like a week. And I realized that I'm fucking,

I'm getting sick because I don't have opiates. Jeez. Yeah. It was good, because when I was younger, I would hear people going through withdrawals and you just, they'll be in bed and you hear them go, Help! I would do sheet karate. And then when I would be withdrawing.

Sheet karate because your like limbs moving voluntarily. So you're like trying to sleep. You got restless legs. I'd be pacing in the hallway doing pushups, anything to just get my mind off of it. Jesus. Yeah, it was terrible. You guys must be so grateful to be out of this shit. Yeah. Right.

Almost 10 years. I still find things to be bitter about. I mean, why would you say that? I mean, what if... I'm just being honest, brother. Listen, I know. Listen, don't be honest. There's no silver linings with this guy. I mean, stop breaking my shit, you fucking criminal. But let me ask you a question. This is a silly question.

What was the best meal in prison? Chicken leg day. What's that? Yard bird. What's that? It's just a, it's like a piece of leg. You guys, yeah. It's a whole leg. Were you guys in the same prison? No, it's just a universal thing. I tell you, chicken leg day? If I would have met him while we were, I would have fucked him. Yeah. What? I would have fucked him, then fucked him up. Yeah. I would have jumped, I would have fucked him. Yeah. What? I would have fucked him and fucked him up. I would have gang banged him with a bunch of Dominicans. Really? Why?

You guys wouldn't have liked each other in there. I would have been protecting him in there. I would have been making sure the Dominicans keep safe. I would have been like shit on my dick or beans on my plate. As soon as he walked in, I would have had his shit sold to the patios. I want to say that to somebody. Shit on my dick or beans on my plate. Yeah.

I could just say, Derek walking in, I just turned to the big homie. I'm like, yo, he's yours for four ramen noodles. Nah. I would write you. You're Spanish, right? Half, yeah. So that's what protected you. I mean that to a degree kind of, yeah.

It helps. It helps being Spanish. Yeah, because you're white, you're a minority yeah white in prison yeah but the older I I've I've gotten the more julier I've become right that's my other half right yeah so I thought it was just cuz the comedy and you wanna so so in prison a lot of shit chicken leg day is the day chicken leg is what comes with it mashed potatoes and then you get like some maybe peas and carrots

Yeah, no, it's shit, but the the chickens good So when the chicken would come the chick the legs will come in these Frozen ass blocks of chicken legs and there would still be feathers on them when they would come to the place and then they put Them through that machine that knocks the feathers off to do don't know if we told you about it last time, but when I worked in the kitchen and you, I saw the boxes that they come in, cause it's just like these like, you know, 30 pound boxes of chicken legs. Frozen solid, right? Frozen solid.

And it just says not for human consumption. Whoa. It's the thing that they, it's the chicken that they give to alligators. You know, those chicken legs that they feed the alligator. He goes on his conspiracy. That's what they, that's, I saw the box. I saw the box. Not for human consumption. Wait a minute. Consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu,

consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, consu, book that you get when you get in there. Really? I would read it. They have a prison handbook. I still got mine. I would read every single one. What's the first one? Don't Drop the Soap?

Well, you know, little Petey Fowler is telling me, instead of a handbook at the, when he got locked up in Arizona, they made a machete video and they explained prison rape and what to do with you. Oh yeah, they have videos now in some jails where you get an orientation inside the book. Yeah, yeah. I've seen that. That's hilarious. So I would read the book.

In every book there's always one thing that's always the same. What? New York State bare minimum. What's that? That when it comes to food. New York State bare minimum. So I mean bro, I think you, it's probably only a 2000 calorie diet, maybe 18,000, something like that.

So you're not getting food? No. You're not getting food. I would be, you would be, we would be starving to death just off the three squares. What is the breakfast? Breakfast would be like two waffles with some fucking maple syrup and a box of cereal and some grits. Damn.

That's it. Where I was at, it was cereal. You either got Rice Krispies, Raisin Bran, or Corn Flakes. My shit was life and then Saturdays He just got a one to two but uh Yo, y'all got your life now, but we got one in a third to three though Saturday

Saturdays you get french toast sticks. Oh and, that was money right there. What about lunch? Lunch, it'll be the hot dog, sometimes the hamburger patty, sometimes like this bootleg, hot pocket. No chips or nothing? No, you can buy chips on commissary. What are you watching, fucking baseball? Piece of shit? What the fuck, man?

Sorry, man, my bad. Really, what are you, on the team? You get fucking money on the game? No, no, I don't gamble. Do you have stock in the team? What are you on the team? You get fucking money on the game No, no, I don't I don't gamble. Well, you have stock in the team. You bet. What did Mickey man will do for you? I have season tickets. Is it the Yankees? Yeah Fuck the Yankees. Sorry. Who they playing the Reds. Oh, these are Red Sox. I give it back You guys just swept us. I know it was good Guys

Doing it on the walk. He's watching balls and strikes. It's a video game too. You did your time. You deserve it. So, but the food, when you work in the kitchen, you have access to things that the guards get. So the food the guards get, you get real cheese. Because the cheese they give you isn't like made from milk it's made from like vegetable oil and shit like that so a lot of government it won't even melt it'll get hot but it won't melt you know yeah you could use it for a boat to escape you could do all kinds yeah you can make a you can make a bomb you can make a

shirt I guess you can make a dildo out of it and rape people with it you can be on the cheese dick rapist yeah you let it dry up and crack it you can make a dildo out of it and rape people with it. You can be one of the cheese dick rapists. You let it dry up and crack it, you can make a shank out of it. Really? You can make a shank? You can make a dildo shank. You can stab people and fuck them.

There was this kid who, I don't remember. Shank dildo kid? No, what he did was he found a bunch of cardboard boxes and he cut out holes in them and then he sucked dick through the holes. He did. He did. and then he got real cheese He cut the shape of a gun out right right and he put a bunch of them together He got a black marker and he he he colored it in black and made a fake gun

and then he made a fake gun and he was going to all the All the the cameras and like brandishing the gun, right? So they put the whole jail on lockdown. Everybody's on lockdown and you know, jail's like high school, prison's like high school. Everyone's like, they're looking for a gun, they're looking for a gun. So everyone's on lockdown, we see them pull that kid out of his cell

and then I'm like, oh, everyone knows, like yo, it was a fucking, it was made out of cardboard. Yeah, it's not a real gun, there's no gun. And then they're saying they oh everyone knows like yo, it was a fucking it was made out of cardboard. It's not a real gun There's no gun and then and then they're saying they're looking for a bullet Right now they're looking for one bullet a county bullet. Yeah one bullet They're looking for and we all know this is you know, it's horse shit they could they could let us out but we're they have us on lockdown for fucking days like days, right and One night the lieutenant comes out and he comes, guys,

we're gonna let you out for about an hour before before lights out, but lockdown is over, right? And we had this the CEO in there that we were really giving him shit. We used to, every time he says something we'd be like, oh yeah, you know, just just shit like that. He does that to me. I tell him, hey, come on along. Oh, you? Come on along. Look at pussy. We're just being, you know, we're just always an asshole to this guy, right? So like nine o'clock comes and we're like, yo, fucking, you'll see how we post to be out.

Ah, ah, ah. And everyone's banging on, like kicking their cell doors. What does ah, ah, ah mean? Ah, ah, ah is just a thing for- Is that in the third? Yeah, is that in the third, like... Et cetera, et cetera, yada yada, yeah. It's the black version.

Yeah, yeah. Ah ah ah, you never heard of ah ah ah? No, I'm white. I live in... Yeah, like Derek Gaines, the monro down there... Don't you hang out with young black comics? You never heard them go ah ah ah? Yeah, Keith Robinson's down there talking ah ah ah.

Yeah, but that's a stroke. That's a stroke, you son of a bitch. That was my joke. I had to get you back earlier. go ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah So we're all yelling. I wanted that Keith joke so bad. No, I said it twice. You deserved it more, that's your friend. Bob's fat. Alright, good. So we're all like, we're just bugging out. People are rapping, which is another thing I used to hate about jail and prison is everyone's always rapping.

Did you rap? No. Sandwiches. Did you rap? Yeah. You what? I'd rap my fucking fist up. Rap. Did you never rap? No, I would rap. I got music. People would be like. I've made music. I got two mixtapes out of it. Oh God, stop. Let me hear him rap. Tell him the one he's- You gonna hear it? Purple Cushion Sour got him dropping like the towers. Yo, yo, yo, I'm D. Minikin, motherfucker.

Yo, GOP, let me suck on that pee. Let me check out my asshole, it's hairy at the middle, stick your motherfucking finger in it, and I start to squizzle, and the blood comes out, and the bitch says ouch, and then I wipe my ass with your fucking couch. I spread my cheeks, the nurse said shut it. I didn't. So she took her nail and cut it. Not bad. Not bad.

That was good. Here's the thing though, you could have kept going, but you complimented yourself. Yeah. What do they call that when you look at your own work? You admire your own work. I hope you're huge in Japan and you have to move. That would be hard.

Who me if I just blow up? No, my luck would have happened. You got it? Let me hear it. I had a buddy who had a band and they were they were popular in Italy. Really? That's it. Just Italy really? That's it. Yeah, that's cool. He made no money. I would love these like lost money I would just go to fucking Italy and he posture and fucking perform. He gets me would do Comeback broke was his name Ray Allen. His name is Sean Sean McGillicuddy No, no, this is a hardcore band.

Okay. Let me get a whap of that. So here. What is that? That's G in the song. Damn, Bobby, don't you feel bad? I feel bad. Yeah, I feel bad. I feel bad that it drove you to rap. In my defense, this is right around the time I started doing heroin.

So I thought I was invincible. Yeah, well, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this.

I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this.

I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this. I'm sure you're aware of this.. Well, in my defense, this is right around the time I started doing heroin. So I thought I was invincible. Yeah. I thought I could do anything. What's the name of your, what was your rap name? Just G-O. G.O.

All right, listen, everybody. Go check out G.O. Please don't look that up. Oh my god. We're going to do plugs right now. I'm going to be in Portland, Maine July 25th and the 26th. After that I'm taking the whole summer off. Those are the only dates you can see me this summer if you want to come see me.

Please. Empire Comedy Club. That's a Friday the 25th and Saturday the 26th. October 10th, October 11th. I'm going up to Rochester. Where the last time I got arrested, by the way. Up there, and then, thank you, and then Tamper and all that. I'll be in Florida directing Lewis' special in July, so make sure you fill up those shows.

And there you go, punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. What do you got, brother? Me, just listen on the gate, and that's it. Listen on the gate on YouTube. Gasdigital.com. Use promo code OTG. If you're ready to subscribe to them, unsubscribe and re-subscribe. Use a fake email.

Yeah. Just use fake... Fuck Lewis. Just fucking keep doing it. Just keep doing it. Use the code. What are they doing? They giving all the money to skanks? All the money's going to story wars now.

It's so funny, right? How do you think I feel? I do the regs, we get fucking a dollar fifty. It's like, what the fuck? He pays Joe and Danny and fucking pizza slices and skank dollars. Wrestling toys. Yeah, he's going to pay people in Lewis bucks. Doggie, this is going gonna be worth money one day dog My coffee takes off dog. We got rattlesnake rattlesnake shekels. He has his own fucking coffee now, right? Yeah, I should be good

Dude, if I see it's actually good if I see any of that laying around the studio. I'm taking take it all really good Come see me if you know Atlantic City June 29th come see me I'll're in Atlantic City, June 29th. Come see me. I'll be at Atlantic City Comedy Club. Check that out. I would not go to that if I was you. It's going to be fun. I'm doing 20 minutes. Just go for G.O. and then leave.

That would be hilarious if they all left. What was your rapper name again? G.O. Go. Go. G.O. I wish you were G.O. right now. All right, check it out, guys.

Danny Joe, what do you got besides the G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G.O. I got a G. Go. Go. G-O. I wish you a G.O. right now. All right, check it out, guys. Danny, Joe, what do you got besides fucking weird eyebrows?

Follow me on Instagram, at Danny Braff, and come to the Comedy at Verve in Summerville, New Jersey, the third Thursday of every month. Guys, we're going to go. Joe, what do you got besides a G show? Hey, this is Joe Russell. August 13th, I'll be headlining at Uncle Vinny's. Let's go, Joe. Nice.

Ha ha ha. What did he just say? He's headlining. Uncle Vinny's. Wow, what happened to Uncle Vinny's? Ha ha ha. Was that the place with the bullet holes in the side? No.

No, no, no, no. Yes, it is. OK, yes, it is. Hey, what's up, everybody? We're going to go to Patreon right now. So make sure you go there. We're gonna be asking you questions live from the Patreon fans.

Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you wanna ask these guys questions, you wanna get the show first and the extra show, go to Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now.