Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #607 | Lee Syatt & Bonnie McFarlane

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

This week Lee Syatt and Bonnie McFarlane join the pod to review the footage of Lee's guest appearance on the pod Skankfest and talk conspiracies Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact. The YKWD podcast.

YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, to help you're ruining this. Where's the Bargana, man. I'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast.

This is it NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. What's up, everybody? We're back. YKWD. You know what, dude?

We're above the comedy seller at the world famous comedy club at the Comedy Cellar Studios. And we have a lovely show for you this evening. Let me bring it down. We're going to bring it down. We have a lovely show for you this evening. Danny, my producer, Danny, who do we got? We have Bonnie McFarlane.

Ooh. What is that good at? And who else? And from the Church of What's Happening Now podcast, Lee Syatt. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, you're one of those. I did one of those. You've never been on.

No, I've never been on. That's not true. Oh, no. When were you on? Oh, I didn't know that was nervous energy, I felt. No, it was my favorite. Most people were trying to get away, so I wasn't sure what was happening. Bobby, you won't remember when he was on, but it's awesome.

Oh, geez. Okay. What do you mean he was on my show? Tech, well, I didn't know it was actually an episode of YKWD. You're on my show. I guess. I don't even stop. Slow down for a second. It's a phone call. I'm going to guess it's, can I guess what it might be? We don't do phone calls.

No phone calls. No. What do you think we have production? You were making fun of someone. It was a clip of him? No, it had to be, nope, we don't have clips. Kind of. Danny doesn't bring up any clips on the show.

We got a clip for this. Oh, my God. We have a clip. All right. Well, here we go. Let's find out. Let's find out. This is a clip, I guess.

Let Lee say what happened. Lee? Oh, okay. Why don't we show it? Yeah. Well, no, because I think. Oh, with no background. No context.

Yeah, then you can describe it. I don't know. How was he on my show technically? Not typically. And it was 100%. Years ago? 100%. Eight years ago.

Wow. Seven years ago. During the pandemic. Was that the pandemic? No. No. It was like five, right? Was that 17?

2020. 20, okay, here we go. 10th, 2020. Okay, this is at, make it big, make it big. This is Skank Fest. This is actually first Skank Fest ever.

First in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. Oh, this is the second Skank Fest. This looks a lot like Kiltoni except for that little guy. Look out. It looks like me. You look like me. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Almost exactly. And I have a Calhoun sweatshirt, but I felt I felt like I couldn't wear it. No, you shouldn't wear it. I was almost what mine today. What was this show? This is my show. YikiWD Live at Skankfest, Brooklyn.

You remember Skankfest Brooklyn? Yeah, yeah. It was a good time. Yeah, we could take a cab to it. Yeah. And it was only one day. I hate that you have video of this, Danny. Why?

But why were you on this? I don't get what you were doing on that. I don't know why. Does Bobby remember based on? No. Were you having a contest? I do know. of. It was a contact.

All right, well, let's see what it is. I don't remember quite. Oh, okay. Here we go. Oh, now we don't see it. Oh, Joey Diaz. Well, keep, why is it going on and off? Oh, I was a tubby. Oh, yeah, I was much fatter. Did you watch this?

Yeah, wash it. Wash what? But I'll just, I'll paint the picture because it's taking a long time. Yeah, well, just play it. Let's just watch. I can't look at it. Stop touching the computer. We're not touching it. All right, let go.

Stop looking at it with your fucking eyes that shut electronics down. Do you have a power washer? There's your husband. What's happening, Danny? They illegally downloaded it. Yeah. Oh, look how fat I was. You're cute.

I think that's a good luck. Oh, thanks. I'll get fat again. I'll die. I'll die early. I think women like the guys that look like that. Really? They might drop it.

Yeah, talk to my wife. Look at me. I think you can dig down deep. I think you've got it in you. What are we doing? It's a dick-sucking contest. Oh, my. Not you.

Yeah. Not you. Yeah. No. Yeah. That's you. I remember you. You're a champ.

I tried. I worked really hard on it. Did you practice? No. Honestly, they asked for volunteers and, like, it was like three out of four. Play it. I just had. I worked, Danny.

I really gave it at my own. Why is it? cutting in and out. I forgot that he put his hat on it. Oh, that's so degrading. You put his hat on while you sucked his dad. I left my backpack on. What's happening, Danny?

Oh, this is... My face is getting fucked. I don't get what's happening here. It looks like you're really sucking his hat. I know he had a... Oh, God. Oh, oh, no. This is the fucking thing. That's you. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stay on. Stay on. Wow. Wow. Play him. Wow, you ruined the bit, guys.

You killed it. Stop it. No signal, Joe. Danny, we've sent me that clip. We sent that clip to my text. Do you who? My texts. Send it to you text.

Your husband has it on his phone. How do you think Voss jerks off? It is, I was thinking about this other day. In high school, all guys did to be funny. And it was funny. Suck each other's dicks. They would pretend to be gay. That was the whole.

The whole game back then was just you called someone gay or you pretended to be gay or you pretended to suck as cock and here it is still happening. Can I say something? Can I say something? No, it's not a gay thing. You're not gay, son. You're a professional. I appreciate it. Yeah.

I felt like I was, I really, it was like an acting thing. Now, let me ask you. I'm not saying you're gay. I'm saying the, the joke is, the reason it's so salacious. Can I tell you why? Oh, my God, yes. We're gay. Yes, I mean.

We're all gay. I have a theory that all men are gay and are just waiting for that like flip of society. And then it's just going to be. No women will ever get another man again. We were almost there. And then Trump got elected again. Yeah. We were so close with Biden.

It'll happen. We all get to be gay. You could pretend you hate. Oh, I hate what's going on. Yeah, dude, let me tell you something about what you were doing right there. You didn't hate any second of that. No. I really.

And I didn't. It looks like I've done it before. But I, I, I, I remember. I just remember wrapping my arms around the thigh. No, it didn't look like he did it before. No? Okay. If that was a real cock, it would have been broken.

Hey, wasn't that more his fault than my fault? Zero finesse. Where was the spit? That's what I'd like to know. Where you got to start with a mouth full of saliva. Thank you. My mouth is always watering. Okay, my Italian grandmother taught me that.

You start with a mouthful. I wish you did the accent. Oh, Bonnie. What you want to do? You want to get yourself. You get the, you get the, you get the, you get the, you get the, you get the, you put it in your mouth,

and make it holl, it has a little bit of pasta in it. Yes. And then you're, spit it on the penis. Yes. But yeah, that's,

that's an important part of it. Okay. Can I say something? She's right. I was too dry. Okay. Is that why I popped out? No,

here's why. You had no technique, kid. You weren't keeping, you were just, you were just a gaping hole, which a guy could get from anything, a sofa,

I don't know. You can fuck a sofa? Yeah, I think it's done. They make sofas that you can fuck? Yes. See, here's the issue. A watermelon. They could just cut a whole lot of a watermelon.

It's the same thing with less saliva that you gave. But here's the problem. And I can't prove it. You got to put your mouth around it. First of all, I was trying. It was thicker than I thought it was a thing. Oh, listen, I've been there. It's hard.

Somebody's got your head. Stop for a second. I'll jump in. Not in a while. Hey, we all get married and put our. Not along. My wife's been there. Put our knee pads away.

Okay. I feel like I was pretty good at it No, you weren't, I'm telling you right now, go back, I wish we could like the video again, I'd slow it down. Can you please fix it? I'd tell you exactly what you did wrong. You're like, it was hard because he was being aggressive. Yeah, that happens.

And you still got to fucking do it right. I saw teeth all over that thing. Here we go. Let's watch again. He's right in the rodeo! Oh, my God. Look at how happy I am. Look how gay I am.

All right, Jesus guys. Okay, I take it back. It was better than I thought. You were better than I thought. Thank you. But then, I don't know if you remember who won. It was a gay black dude came and just, and he had a great form. Well, he was gay.

Yeah. It wasn't fair. Can I say why? She's, which is exactly what she's telling you, he pretended to be into it. Right. You were just doing it. You understand? You were just a mouth going back and forth.

You had no, there was no passion. Yeah There's no passion It was all about you You were like Am I doing good Am I doing it right That's not what a blow job

Fucking is It was very selfish of me Have you ever seen a guy Give a blow job Have you ever seen gay porn? Listen I've watched gay porn Where I've been like I can't compete with that

I just cannot compete with that Any part of it I don't have the I want to step in here for a sec And disagree with the gay porn thing Because there's a guy who's seen gay porn himself For science

Yes, yes. Science. Let me put this, so you can cut to this science. The universe put gay porn in front of you so you and I could have a smart conversation about it. Let's debate. I want to make my point. Then you make your point. Of course, my daughter.

Gay porn. They, gay guys are just my holes. They're, huh, huh, huh. And women are the ones that put the little, and the little, right. But they're like, they're going harder, faster, deeper. No, 100%. He is a lousy headgiver.

I think that's the name of the South Park movie. Lousy headgiver? No, harder, longer, faster. Oh. I don't think I was that bad. But honestly, I think wrapping my arms around, the size was pretty good. And it stayed in there for longer than I expected. That'll get you fucking kicked in some places.

Yeah, do that in Bangkok. See if you're going to make any money. You fucking, you pig slut You ain't gonna make anything They think you go for their wallet Yeah, try to get out of that Yeah, try sucking dick in the third world country Maybe here in America, you elite cocksucker

Fuck is wrong with you You got it too good is what you got it I really do I almost The privileged cock sucker You white privileged dick sucker And I'm Jewish It's even worse Oh God

Oh God Oh you guys are what you're doing in the world You're giving just fucking typical head and then what else are they doing? I don't know not playing

you can't play because you don't have that argument for the next week and a half I was kidding we're getting we're getting slaughtered has there been a joke

already made about like people yelling free Palestine which is mean to Jewish guys because of course the minute they hear free to the con

somebody has to have done that joke right? I haven't seen it. I heard, because if they charged Palestine for one half-haul, I heard something. Oh, so it is. Yeah, I was, like, thinking it has to have. Voss should have that joke. That'd be a great Voss joke.

Wouldn't it? Free? Huh? Uh-huh. Oh, you guys. What was it a strap on or just a regular dildo that he held? I think it was a dildo inside of his jeans. He had, actually, can I say something?

He had a dildo made a replica of his cock. so it was Lewis's dick was inside just blue you understand I thought it was blue but was his dick inside of it no you know he put it in oh that's a good idea but if his dick was inside of it then you really did

suck his dog but why would they have a and that's a fucking that joke is good yeah well why would they do that because Lewis isn't gay right that makes him protected that would be there

I mean it's like we're getting into some some splitting hair Now, right? Yeah. Because he was obviously getting jostled at least down in that area. He was holding on to his buttocks. Yeah, but he was holding onto his head. Yeah.

And then he was like, I mean, it would have mattered if that was a real cock or not. Now, can I say something, though, from a connoisseur, not a... A cock or Jizz connoisseur. Which kind of... To know, what? Didn't Lewis do that to you? Or the other way around that. Well, here's the thing.

It all started back in, oh, 5. No shit. I had a... Back in the pandemic. One of the first... You know me, back in the day, I would do live podcasting. I think one of the first people to do it. I was just thinking about that.

Me, Mark Maron, live, YKWDs, right? And the first one I ever did, you were on, by the way. Oh. Remember? Yes. Gotham Comedy Club. Never forget it. You forgot it.

No, no. I think about it. Everything. Remember Voss couldn't make it. And we had Bob de Bono B. Oh, that was so funny. That was a great part. That was really funny.

I mean, look, I might not be as popular as these other guys, but I've had some good ones. Yeah. That one. That one was good. Gotham downstairs, we had a sold-out little packed house. And Vaugh, I wanted Bonnie and Voss, but Voss, he had a gig in Pennsylvania. Right. He was like, I'm getting paid $67 more over here.

Let me get to it. Free Palisant. Huh? Free what? What's a Palestine? Is that jewelry? Is that pasta? So we had...

You'll get it. By the end of this podcast, we're going to have a fully formed bit. I got it. Free Palestine? Is that bread? No. It's happening. It'll come.

So... Pimental lo? Where's Palestine? So I... I had Bob Devona beef. He did an impression of us, but not only that, he went to step further. All of us did stand up. And he went up and did Voss's act.

Oh, that's funny. And crush. He sometimes when Rich is yelling at me to this day, I will think it's Bob. Like I can see, it's like I go back in a weird way of like, oh, that's so Bob DiBono. Okay. Yeah, it's like Rich is doing Bob DeBono doing Rich. I remember what the joke was. It was, you know, if you want Jews to get on board with the Free Palestine Movement,

you have to start saying Palestine for $5. And then Jews would be like, oh, $5, I'd rather be free. Hey, can you never interrupt us? Wow. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I think it was the delivery. I think yours is still better. Let's try it again. Free Palestine.

Jews do get excited when they hear about a deal. excitement. You turn around as a bunch of Khalifas. Oh, sorry. You got to get a like you do the free

Palestine. You got to do a qualifier. Like you said to ask the thick stuff. That'd be funny. Free Palestine they walked up.

What's free? What are you got? What are you got? What are you got? Oh, you want to be free. So the thing is with this whole thing

I had, I had Lewis, we had a blowjob competition, which is actually is funny. Lewis has his closing.

bit in his new special, which I directed. Oh, very nice. Good job. I'm in the Writers Guild. I love it. And I, hopefully, someday, the director's... Now, if I could just pause your story for a moment to talk a little bit about comedy directing, because I've always been fascinated by it. Yeah, please. What do you

do as a comedy director? You just go, hey, go to the mic and then do what you normally do? No, here's what you do. You say... I love that. You got upset. You say, no, no, no. I'm not upset, because I think this is an interesting question. Most people don't No, what you do is you say, I want those lights to be blue.

Okay. I want these lights to be red. Right. I want a camera there, there, there, there, there. Right. And then when we start the show, roll the cameras. Right. Yes.

And then you just act like, looks good. Okay. Good job, everybody. All right. For like 45 minutes. I didn't move my head as much because I talked to Louis before and he was like, don't move your head as much. You don't have to just stay on, stay on the two.

Right. Because that's what you're going to use mostly. Just in a little bit, in a little bit. Yeah. That's good. And stay right there. Hold there for the rest. I don't know why I had my hands hovering above the table.

Because there was stuff there. It was camera buttons. Yeah. Oh, okay. Hang on, you don't know about directing. Anyways, any other questions, please feel free. Yeah, I had Lewis. Jay Gomez and Norton

and Bailey Jay I think Dan Soda was there and he, we had a blowjump competition between Bailey Jay, the beautiful she-man porn star, porn star, who's a great friend of mine and Lewis Gomez. It was like

let's just see what, and Lewis, I'll focus I'll do it. Lewis went out first and he sucked my dick well. Better than me? Dude, let me tell you something about Lewis. Wait, okay, this is a fake dick. I got a fake penis, but the problem What I did, here's what I did wrong.

I got a dick that looked like exactly what my dick would look like. Oh, it's like that thing when you put your hand up and then, do you ever do that? What's that? Okay, you got to get something here. You get a fake hand, right? And you put both your hands there.

Yeah. And then someone goes to like... You mean magic? No, someone's going to hit your hand. You think it's really, like you can't, even though you know it's a fake hand, you're looking at it. It's like, oh, you mean phantom.

Yes, you believe that it's your hand. Well, no, it just looked on camera after we filmed it. It looked like my real cock, which I got actually skin tone. I got something that looked like my dick. It was my skin color. And that's why his dick was blue. So we didn't run into it down the road where it looked like he was really sucking Lewis's cock. Bon, did you think that Bobby felt like he got hard during that?

That was the problem that, like, he was. She thought that you thought, like, you were really getting your dick sucked. Every time you look down, you're like, that's my dead. I'm going, like your brain was going, whoa, this really is, it seems real. You talk, do you talk about him not doing it correctly? Yeah. Lewis, first thing you did. Oh, yeah.

Because Lewis has gotten a blowjob before. No offense. No offense. I've seen a lot of them on film. I know. I know. I know. I know.

When you know what you like. He's going from memory. Lewis spit and then did this. Push down the shaft. the spit and then put his hands behind my ass and pushed me into his mouth. Okay, so good that Bailey Jay went, I quit. But he touched your taint, right? Didn't get it?

No, I would have really felt that, no, because that's my thing. He just grabbed. I wish he did. But it must have been a little intimate. Oh, it was not a little. It was fucking ridiculous. So much so that it looks so real that he asked me to take it off the internet. Lewis, who's, you know, the rattlesnake.

It could only help his reputation at this point. And it would hurt him because it looks like he's sucking. It looks like he's sucking Uncle Bobby's dick. Right. Yeah. But that's why we made George Blue. So you would never run into that. I know we can't see it, but you couldn't see.

I didn't see. It looked like I was getting face fucked though. You would get, you were going to. I did look like that. Sure. Yeah. So it was, someone actually almost broke up with me. And that video was not.

Why? Because you weren't sucking his dick like that? No. Yeah. I didn't love it. You're like, well, you know it's for everybody else. No, I was dating someone in Mass, and she was, like, from Mass, and her brother told her about that. Oh, no.

Massachusetts. Oh, I thought it was, like, Catholic Church. No. You can't be a fucking queer when you're from Massachusetts. Pretty much. Oh. Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins. Got it.

Got it. You know what I'm saying? Celtics. Still doing it as a joke over there. You got to hide it. You got to hide you queer. They're like, that's too far. You can jerk each other off when you're young in a shed for shits and giggles.

But that's as far. But then you shut it. it down until you later in life and then you can turn it back on right have you turned yours back on yet no after your first divorce thing start to turn no no not yet no but this one i just watched it the way he's he's got face fucked it was because he was like so like over eager to do it no i feel like it was because louis brought me in i i feel like maybe you were a little bit gentler with lewis you know what can i say something to you yes i think you wanted to win I really did.

I think it was something where almost like a rocky thing in you where you were like, you know what? I'm not going to win this. I'm not because there's a gay guy in it. There was a younger guy. No, the gay guy was last.

Up until that gay guy came on stage, I thought I'd won. You did kill it. I mean, we went nuts. Honestly. You went nuts. The other two straight guys didn't even hold a candle.

But you wanted to win. I really did. Yeah, you're going for it. You went for it, dude. And you went for it. And you shut your eyes and let a Facebook you. Yeah.

Like a hero. And he actually tried to be nice to me because at one point you couldn't see it but it popped out and he was just going to let it be. You're using terms. You're using professional dick-sucking terms, by the way. I don't even know them.

Yeah, this is what you heard. This is what you're backstage, it's Gangfest. You're like, I got to go the distance. With the backpack on. I might not make them come, but you know what? I'm going to do my time out there. Yeah.

I don't remember there being a clock. I don't remember why. it ended. It ended because we was getting uncomfortable because you were closing your eyes. I was sweating so... You were sweating. So you did it and it was the guy

that you got broken up with. Was that hard? Pretty much. She broke up with you, really? No, no. Oh, but she was mad at you. She was not happy with me for a little bit. And how did you explain it to her that it was just a joke? Like, how do normal people take this?

I have no idea. Not well. That I was like two years into comedy and I thought it was going to be like the coolest part of him. Oh my God. Let me say something. You're like a, like a normal woman with a job. And kids. Just being like, you, you thought this was going to propel you?

Yeah, I thought it was going to be a credit. Hey, hey, it is. It is. Getting face fucked on WD. Listen, what's going to happen is you're going to get a credit someday and then it'll be like, yeah, you're going to take that down. Like Lewis, when you got on last comic standing, you wait a minute to the second round, immediately a phone call.

You know, dude, dogie, you got to take that video down to me sucking your dick. Oh, my God. I have to be on. honest, I might be the only one in comedy that that would not even be like the top ten of bad videos for me. What? What? I've been getting high on the internet

for 15 years. Oh, yeah. But what do you do when you get high? I pass out. Oh, you pass out? What do they do to you when you pass out? Thankfully, nothing. He does fart at me or used to fart at me. I think they turn the cameras off when it gets real crazy. Oh, no.

They just shut it down? Yeah. He has no idea. I wish. Oh, my God. No, there's, you're like at a dentist that fucking gets you're pregnant, you don't know. Oh, yeah, but it was, it's been like 15 years. There's hundreds of hours of me being, like, comatose. Really? So me getting face fucked is really fun. Oh, at least you were there.

Yeah, I was, I was sober, at least. You were present for that. Your life is really great, really amazing. I'm glad I went to college and everything. Where'd you go to college? Emerson College. Okay. Free Palace.

This time. Free? Free? Is it the thick stove? I don't know. We almost got it. It's right there. Now I want to see you do it on stage.

Like, is that a joke you guys could do on stage? Yeah, she could. Not us. No? No, I wouldn't do it. I don't like doing stuff that just the audience is fucked. People right now are so messed up, I think, of like having to, and I'm talking about both sides. like having to take the side having to just hate everything that the other side does and it's just too much

I feel like do you feel like comedy right now people are laughing it's they're laughing at a um formula um you know what I mean I don't know sometimes like I'll listen to comics sometimes I'm not hating on people maybe I'm just maybe there's a little AI getting in maybe I'm I don't know it feels weird because I'm like I'll hear you know dun da da da don't don't Dant-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. But that is how comedy goes. Can you please let this autistic fucking loser laugh at his own-dark? I don't even acknowledge him. There is a thing, though, like, in every era, there's a certain rhythm to comedy.

Yeah. You know, like the Seinfeld era was a specific rhythm that a lot of guys did. A lot of, there was, like, a lot of sort of, in that same vein. And then, like, Louis C.K., I guess, you know, sort of had his. Yeah, Dane, you know, there was a, yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, they, all, the audience laughed at a sentence that wasn't a punchline. It was just kind of, a whimsical line, but they laughed like it was a punchline. I feel like, maybe sometimes, well, when they get them going, I don't, I don't, I don't,

No, it was weird. Like a good audience? Like sometimes you'll do it. Yeah, I love that kind of audience where you'd be silly and they're... No, it was, they were good. I went on after them and they were, they were... I mean, I did way better than that person. But the thing is, it was just a weird, like I was an observation where I watched a couple

people and I was like, that's not even a joke, that's, uh, it's not a punchline, it's not even a tag, it's a thing in the setup and they set it in a certain way. Right. They set it in punchline. tempo to get a joke and the people are just laughing at the ha ha ha ha ha I don't know maybe that's it might be just me being I wish I knew the joke so I could see you not like it's uh all right I'll tell you the joke it was um free Palestine what

the thick stuff no I couldn't think of another one I can't I gotta You made it thicker yeah I got to go well because I didn't want to do this day I wanted to try a new one by good I try it again ready I could say it to me okay uh free Palestine. Does it come with cream cheese? Yes. We're almost there. You better start writing, cucketka. I'll try. I'm really

wanted to be free. I don't know. I started doing spots again, which is frightening. What do you mean? I haven't done, I do my Tuesday night, which is an hour. Right. At the pussycat. A very small crowd, you know, and a lot of world, it's the world. Like tonight,

it was, dude, the whole planet was in this room you know what I mean like right from everywhere which I like because it's hard to do comedy because they are they can't hear you as well as like if it's all New York crowd or whatever but

it's uh I started doing spots I get the cellar in the village underground and going up I come in I don't know who this person is on before me like I've been coming here for 30 fucking years I know everybody who's everybody I'm coming back on Monday night doing two spots going up

after people and before people I'm like, who the fuck are they? Right, but they're also doing that to you. Sorry. I'm also on your podcast and you had no idea who I was. I walked, I walked by him on the street

and I said, hey, you thought I was just a little like up and I really am just a man. Because I was buying cocaine and you're fucking interrupted. Jesus Christ. I scared the shit out of me. The guy was buying a fucking dildo that's exactly his skin tone. It was also blue.

I was buying another dildo and getting my peptides from the same guy. Yeah. No, but I, because I sometimes go to Brooklyn, do shows that sometimes these weird shows. I don't know any of them. They don't know who I am. Yeah, but you're a legend in the alt scene. No. Yes, you stop it.

It's not true. Yeah, it is true. Every fucking comic I know when your name comes up, fucking don't like her. What a cunt. Hilarious. No, I mean... I would take that over. She's really nice.

No funny. Oh, I hate that. Good guy. Yeah. Good person. Easy to work with. That's like getting offstage. You look good.

Which I've only got once, by the way. I think I'm feeling insecure too, Bonnie. Maybe you can help me. How old are you, dude? 36. Oh, if we're doing age. No, because I... Look, I used to make fun of Voss all the time

for the way he dressed. Yeah. And I look down today, and I'm wearing yellow sneakers with a yellow hoodie. Yeah. And a hat. Uh-oh. And I'm like, oh, my God. The thing is that, like, the youth has no idea how easy it is.

You can just put on anything up until you're about 35. Like, right now he's at the cusp of, now it's weird, you know. Oh, have I dressed too young? Yeah, like a man with a backpack, you know. What am I supposed to carry things in? I don't know, but I think that about me, too. Yeah, like, so I just want to go to a club and I walk in and they go, can I get your seat?

I'm like, obviously I'm the comedian. Do you buy that in a store? I'm by myself. I'm wearing a backpack. Like, come on. Did I buy them in a store? Or online. I would love to see you in a foot locker trying those on.

Can I tell you who made me buy these? Bill Squire. You know Bill. Do I? Yeah, he's a hilarious guy, Cleveland comic. Okay. He's awesome. Funniest guy.

I love them. I was at the hilarity improv wearing New Balance. Yeah. Dirty. Yeah, New Balance are cool, though. They're comfortable. They make my feet feel good.

Hoka's in New Balance. But I was wearing New Balance 1080s, which is the most comfortable shoe until the Hulka came onto the scene. Now the Hulker rules. But I was wearing that he goes, you need to buy show shoes. You're a headliner.

You need sneakers that pop. Oh, my God. This is the kind of conversation. men are having out on the road? He took me, he took me, he took me to the ghetto mall. This is so vulnerable. Took me to the black mall where there's a lot of sneaker stores. And he goes, those ones.

And he picked these ones. And I wore them on stage. God, in the 80s comedians were doing Coke and stuff. They're like, what kind of salad do you have? Get you some sneakers. Hey, man, you should wear show shoes. The sad part is I have the same story. Do you really?

Yeah. I open up for Josh. Bill? No, yeah, not Bill. But I open up for Josh. I wear new balances. Do you have wide feet? They have wide feet. Yeah. I'm 4E. What are you? Do you have an idea? I'm a 10 and a half E, just wide.

Oh, I'm 4E. They, I can't... What are you? A Hobbit? Pretty, my feet are hairy. That's why you suck dick so good. Oh, yeah. I really get into the ground with it. But no, I had, I've only worn new balances my entire life. And I can't, like, you're wearing Chuck Taylor's. I've never been able to wear those because they're too thin.

And I have old... Nike's, you can't. Can't wear Nike's? I get them now, but they hurt my feet. You have to get, like, a size up, like two size up. Size up, and then they make things that, like, stretch them out a little bit. Guys, I traveled from New Jersey for this podcast. I'm just saying, you guys, this feels like something you guys call each other about.

You know what I mean? Free Palestine. What? The shiny one? No, but it's, it's, it's, uh, I was. where I was going. The yellow trim? No, no, no. Okay, sorry. I think I always made funny a husband about it, but it's like, there's a name, I'm going there's nothing you can do. What am I supposed to wear? Like a vest. Exactly. I feel it.

I feel it myself. Because I used to see my friends who would, they'd show up with like a hat and a vest and so, you know what I mean? And a button down shirt. Right. And I'm like, I don't, there has, Bonnie, there has to be a middle ground. There doesn't have to be, you just be you. I can't. You die. You're a comedian. You're not. part of society. You've opted out. You get to do whatever the fuck you want. Okay. I'm going to stop. But like, hoodies are the most

comfortable. I think, I think you look great. Especially as a, like, I can't go on stage with just a t-shirt. Like, as a chubby dude, you have to wear a hoodie or something. I did it. I did it. I did it a few months ago when I got down. I was pretty much down. I lost a lot of weight. And then I put weight

back on, so now I have to wear a hoodie down. Oh, there's the worst photo. Somebody took a photo of me. I did Shane's shows this weekend my god it's just crazy what what you your shirt was too tight I had a t-shirt on I just wore a t-shirt on stage I came a fucking asshole and I did this and your shirt popped up

is that what happened yeah and then what the photo was like yeah everybody's below it's in the round you're on a huge stage oh my god 20,000 people yeah but I don't care who cares I don't care but it does it does make you go oh god you know what I mean

It's like, oh, God. I had someone talked to me. I had a boss talk to me about it before. What do you mean? Because when you go up and down and wait, I was still holding on to a sweater that didn't fit anymore. And she took me, I was like right out of college. Oh, she's like, you're going to need to buy bigger.

We're going to need a bigger boat. Yeah. Every time I'd raise my hands up, my stomach would just pop out. Oh, jeez. I've been there, dude. I've been there. It's the worst. You know, taught me to the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the XLT.

which is tall Yeah but I'm short I know you It looks like you're wearing a sundress You look like you look like Seelow Nothing on CELO I remember C I look like the white Jewish

Can you bring up Ciloh so Bonnie can laugh please? I got it too late but yeah I know well I'll do it again He looked like Cilo He was an American Idol maybe I was I don't know what happened He'd get canceled He must have

He was the I remember when I remember when I went on the win But I think is it possible That people just get tired of being famous They opt out. You know what I understand about people that make, okay, say you make $24 million. Okay, sure. And it's like you have the house, you paid for it.

You got a bunch of stuff, right? And your kids are already. Yeah. Why wouldn't you just go, I'm going to take, I'm just going to go away and do something else. Like go learn calligraphy. Yeah, like, why are they going to a Saudi Arabian festival? There's the hook. It is weird to like.

Bonnie. two million dollars I mean I would do it for sure I texted my manager today I said hey if anybody falls out let me know you mean if everybody gets killed if Jessica gets stone

let me know somebody gets raped can't go on I'm here I'm ready to go I have a bunch of jokes about how dumb women are let me know yes no but the thing is is that like they could easily like they already

have like what why are they they doing it it doesn't make sense to me like some of them some of them obviously are like oh shit this could set me up for the rest of my oh dude listen like but if you're chappelle okay well he probably aligns actually he's Muslim yeah yeah so that's fine okay but what about louis he needs money well i'm sure uh louis i would say louis it's like uh the political stuff doesn't matter to him it's like oh i'd love to go to saudi arabia i'd love to see this call i'm sure there's some part of it where he's like, I wouldn't mind going there. I always wanted to go there. Something like

that. I was just waiting for a $2 million dollar paycheck. Right. And and, and, you know, look, Louis's not Chappelle. He's not Kevin Hart. I mean, Louis has to work and tour and make money and stuff like that too. You know what I mean? So it's not like it's Louis

you know eight years ago. There's big fucking people on that list. Billy's on that list. Billy's on that list. I mean, I would say yeah, but Billy's, Billy has money. but he's not doing arenas like these other guys. He's doing theaters you know so I would say theater

guys like Louis and Billy that's real money. Is Nate doing it? No. No Nate's doing arenas though Nate Nate's buying a fucking park He doesn't need the money Even at arenas though don't you think you would take $2 million for 45 minutes? Shane

said no No I don't think so I think if you're in that I'm talking about people that like already have enough money It's like, I think at that point, you go, oh, I don't want to be involved in something. I've always wanted to go to Dubai. I've always wanted to go over there and see that culture.

I've wanted to go to the Middle East. I think it's, you know what I mean? I understand that some people like, fuck these people. But I've always been interested in that. I've never done any research or reading. No, I mean, look, people are saying the, but it's like, okay, so we can't go to Germany. Oh, no, listen.

You know what I mean? I also think we're always. you know, we're always fucking selling out to a corporate entity of some kind, you know. Yeah, but I think, okay, I read, I read to something, so it's not exactly that. Can you get these fucking candles out of you? I keep knocking them over. Hey, cheers. Saudi Arabia.

Let's get two million each. Hey, hey, come on now. Hey, to cock sucking. Um, you know what I'm saying. It's like, it's just weird to want to be like. Well, I, I said to some, they said, I read on the thing where it said, Saudi Arabia is allowing women to, dressed the way they want now. You can wear whatever you want.

You don't have to ask. I saw that on something on the news. Yeah. Right? Which, and as soon as I said that a girl was like, oh, real, you know, like, but in my eyes, I'm like, no, that's progress. That means these fucking guys

who are, you have to wear this and you have to ask me what you wear. I'm like, maybe we should lighten up a little bit. It's a step in the right direction. And I think stand up also is a step in the right direction to taking yourself less serious if they're going to allow people to be a little dirty or allowing a gay women to go there and do comedy that's a step in the direction that's like when they when they when they will like ellen kissed on tv and was it was like a major step in the right direction for everybody to go it's not that bad and i think these

guys going over there and doing jokes is they're saying hey man they're this is fun and she's funny and he's funny and what they're talking about we're a little uptight let's chill the fuck out a little bit and have some fun let's watch hey wrestling is cool you know what I mean like they let girls go over there and wrestle you know like

it's like I think they're they're taking steps in the direction that we want them to go in they're adopting Western entertainment which is slowly adopting Western values you know I mean

A lesbian feminist comic is going to Saudi Arabia and they're giving a lot of money to do stand-up. Granted, she will not make it back alive. She will be dead. She'll be dead. But the thing is she'll be- Well, it does sound a little bit like you formulated your argument. I just did it right now. You were like, you're like, what if I were to get paid?

How would I be like. Sounds like you're doing PR for the festival. Yes, yes, exactly. I'm worried about not this year's festival. Yeah, you're like, hey, if I do this again. This Bobby Kelly was talking good stuff about us. He said, we're moving in the right direction. Listen, let me tell you something.

You guys are fucking doing the right thing over there. You're fucking, wacky, fucking brats. No, but I, there is. These broads, they can walk around with our ankles showing in. It's not a bad boy. You can wear brown. We're brown or black. Whatever you want. That's a choice.

Okay. Listen, me. vote, but listen, no green yet. Who was the vote? Am I right? I wish I could stay home. Hey, do you really want to drive? Do you want to be driven? Do you want to walk next to me? I'm Fast Walker.

Walk behind me. Take your time, bitch. Just don't have affairs. You won't get stone. You know what I mean? I was like, hey, don't talk back and your fucking Facebook will get whack. Yeah. I love, okay, let's delete that, and now put that out. Let's delete that. Me and Bonnie both want to do the festival.

We're going to send them your cock-sucking video. We bring him, you suck many dicks. I think they would love to. Do they have any Jewish comics on? That is what they would have a Jewish comic do. Well, here's the thing. Oh, what about Schultz? That's just his last name.

He's not Jewish? No, he's just got a Jewish last name. Well, here's the thing. Okay, so you got Schipel has mine. I was telling people I was in, I don't care of. Al-Qaeda? What's the Tom Cruise one? Sam Marelle's Jewish.

Sam Marelle. They don't know that, though. They definitely don't know that. They think Marelle is Irish. This guy drinks. He drinks like a Mick. Listen, we got Chappelle, but he's Muslim. It doesn't matter, but he has a lot of money.

How much? Two million, I think, right? He's getting... Little Kav doesn't need the money. No. I don't know. All this vegan restaurants went down hard. He had vegan restaurants.

He did. I was excited. He had vegan. And he was like, when he was talking about it, I was there. I was in it because, you know, you know my story. Oh, I do. I've cooked many of beetburgers on my fucking grill and ruined everything. But then just one day they all just shuddered, like, boom, boom, boom.

Really? Yeah. Oh, Whitney Cummings. Okay. Well, I mean, let's go through who doesn't need it. Let's just knock them off the list. Okay. Okay.

Hello. Is this happening? I don't know. I can't do it. Did you call him? Yeah, he told me what to do. I did it. Now it's happening again.

Okay. Okay, we got... Sebastian does not need it. Maz Jabrani. He has to do it. I don't know. His uncle is actually sponsoring the festival. Oh, yeah.

We'll kill your grandmother. That girl, that Indian girl, what's her name? Oh, Zarner? Zana, man. I mean, she... Is she going to take her writer with her or no? Go by her. Whinga!

Free pass. Palestine. Whoa! Hey! Is it a sauce with that? Is there a lot? Russell. Oh, what about old fucking... Russell needs it.

Russell needs. I got some hair plugs, though. Russell. No, not Russell. Russell. All those guys. Kevin Carr. No, Jimmy Carr.

Jimmy Car. Jimmy Car. You know what it is? It's the ones who are like Bill Burr. I take it down. The ones that are like about other things they're like, nuanced and well spoken about these topics and I happen to be very like you know it's like

oh uh fucking festival for murderers I'm there you know what I know but that makes sense I'm not articulate I'm not one of those no I like the character work you did that thank you very everything to get me through that it was really good um I don't know I don't know I I know that if if they offered me I'd go for $10,000. I asked my neighbor how much she thought Theo Vaughn got paid for his Netflix special that he taped this past weekend. And she's thought about it for a minute and she goes, $10,000. Wow. She's off.

Jesus Christ, wow. It's got to be at least double that, am I right? I feel bad. I really feel. No, I heard a number, but I don't know if it's true. Say it. I won't say it, but it's in the millions. Is it more than two?

It's well beyond, yes. I feel bad. I don't know, it's a rumor. I don't know if it's true. Well, he had a hard time the other night on stage. And that, I don't know what it is, but it seemed, it seemed like this dude doesn't need people fucking, he needs somebody to step in and be like, I got you right now. You know what I mean?

Because it seemed. He does have people around him that care about him. He needs somebody right now. And he needs, whatever fans that. sober like people that work there that you know yeah but i i think i'm talking about his fans it bums me out when fans see us in distress and like what the fuck it's like dude well you yeah i know but fucking something happened it wasn't him being a dick it wasn't him being not prepared it was something beyond that that he needs assistance you know i i could be wrong but i feel like he's in a

spot where you need somebody to go, yo, dude, not right now. And when you become, when you're paying other people's mortgages, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, but that's what I'm saying. I think there are people that are doing that and some, you know, someone's not ready, you know? It's like, you can say you'll walk in and be like, hey, neo, time for a break, bitch. And he'll be like, get the fuck out of here. But doesn't, don't you have, like, off nights? Like, you can see fighters, they lose all the time.

I think it was, I think it was something else. I don't know. He just didn't seem himself. I think I don't know I hope he's all right I you know I don't know I just don't like seeing I mean I don't know him at all I could you know he we don't he doesn't give a fuck about you know we don't care about each other at all but I when I just saw it and I was like I mean he said when he said I'm just trying not to kill myself I didn't know if that was a joker no there was some I mean my vibe was that was that was something like shit something's up I feel bad I hope I hope he's all right you know and I hope his fans don't turn on him for that you know what I mean that especially you know what I mean Give him a fucking shot. He'll get it right. Yeah. And they'll make that special.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Well, the first show was great. It was, right? Yeah. Yeah, something happened, you know? And he's one of the few people who are, like, always very kind. I can't imagine if you bomb one of the biggest nights and then now it's front page news for date. Well, it sucks that we're at.

I mean, back at Richard Pryor, nobody knew that he bombed on live at the Sunset Strip, his first night. Right. Fucking sucked. people hated it Richard Pryor nobody knew until fucking 20 years later and they made a document

you know he fucking ate his cock Edberg also bomb his first special Yeah Yes but that was actually aired The could just let us talk I'm sorry I don't know what to say He's your friend not mine

I have him because he said He knows you I only came in because he and I are going to hang out after this That's the fucking saddest shit I've ever heard No he's showing me some editing stuff No, he needs a ride back to Jersey.

Oh, shit. It's all it is. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. You're giving him a fucking lift. Oh, damn. You're a lift. Yeah, I'll show you some editing stuff.

Oh, my God. I don't know. It's sad, you know, when I see that shit, I felt bad for him. When he said that, he leaned down. It was like, oh, my God. And then he went, but it was so, but it was so, kind of funny because, I mean, not that it was funny, but he said that. And then he was like, to take the picture. It would be funny if he was just like, fuck it.

I didn't try it. on the second one and he just made i don't know well i hope he's all right i do i don't like i don't like people uh getting fun because i know he was in the program right people saying i don't know anything about it i don't know i only know what i read same as everybody yeah i can't imagine the amount of pressure that like he went like this i already's done okay i can't go what's up dude i just can't imagine that pressure like i've never filmed anything and i just can't imagine that to have all of that pressure on you just, A, to sell out two Beacon

theaters. Right. Well, everybody does that now. Really? Yeah, the beacon is like a fucking, I mean, people who put, comics are playing the beacon. It's bigger than you think, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right, right.

It's nuts how many comics are playing. Yeah. It's like, I mean, God bless comedy. It's amazing, but it's like, you know, next week we have Samarelle and then Mark Norman and then fucking Joe List. Right, right. It's like crazy.

Right. But it's a great time. I love going, I just went and saw Sandler. When you talk, look at me. I'm the host. I'm very sorry. No, I'm kidding.

I don't want him looking at me. So that was nice. I'm trying. I know that. You're not close to the moment. I'm just going to look at you on the wall. Like, who's just like getting uncomfortable? You have more, he has more respect for you than me.

No, I just, I don't, I can't make eye contact with you. Why? I have no idea. Because we look too similar. He, one time, could I tell the story about the, I don't know, sure. 100 milligram. 100 milligram. I take so much.

more than a hundred more than a hundred more than what now you you hang out with dyes i love dyes he was there i here's the thing i i i've me and dyes have never hung out and i i tried to hang out with him i tried to hang out last time at the mothership because i i just he just just you know my type of dude right he's great and i've always he's just funny his podcast is great i fucking love i just love what he does and um i was at the mothership last time and he was there and i went down to And I was like, hey dude, what's up, man? He's like, what's up? How you doing, brother?

And I was like, nothing, man, how you doing? He's like, good, good, good, good. I'm like, yeah, man, so you're hanging out? I was like, yeah, man, I'm gonna be, uh, we'll see. I'm gonna, you know, all right, I don't know what I'm doing yet. I was like, something like that. And it was, I got, I totally got, you know, you know, like, I'm not hanging with you vibe.

I don't think that's, I think that's him. That's how he is. I, like, you just, like, you just hang in his orbit a little. I know, but I'm, it was like, I didn't want it, like, I'm a planet two. Yeah, okay. No, I mean, no, I was just like, I was like, shit. You immediately checked see if he's following you on Instagram. Well, I just wanted to be like, he's not.

No, I was just like, do I sit down? Do I, you know what I mean? Do I hang out? Right. What if I sit down and he's like, what are you doing? This is a closed green room. It's a closed. This is a closed area.

And I just, I left out. I've never, I've never hang out with him. I think you just don't, he was probably just on a thousand. thousand milligrams. Is that what it is? Yeah. Now, okay, I quit. I smoked pot. Okay. When I was 15, 13, 14, right? And never again? In the 80s. Never again. Never had a drug

since I just celebrated 40 years as bright. Wow. Congratulations. Thanks. But what about dentists and stuff? Hang on. No, I take that drugs all the time. I get my teeth cleaned. I get wizards. You get drugs for teeth cleaning? I guess, yeah. Now, there's something going on. I get my ass checked once a month.

Oh, God. I tell you what, that Michael Jackson drug, when I got my colonoscopy, Motherfuck face, that drug is the best drug. But you fall asleep, but then you wake up so fast. Yeah, but how good. It's like, you time travel. Wow. You go out, you're like, one, two, and hey, hey.

And you feel like wonderful. Unlike anesthesia where it's like I'm struggling to live again. Yes, right. This is like, hey, you're back. I'm back. It's better than anesthesia? I thought it was part of anesthesia. No, it's a different drug.

Propophal? Propothal. But anesthesia. You don't need an anesthesiologist to give it. You just need a dental hygienist? Yeah. To go to your house. Yeah, the guy, that's how Michael Jackson died.

Because he was getting that shit shot into his leg every night to go to sleep because he couldn't sleep. And it's, it's, I've got to be honest. Without his. kids yeah exactly i think he's i think he was set up what yeah stop it yes stop i watched all the documentaries and everything and i was like this guy's a monster and then i saw one tic-tok i was like oh god they're just using him sam triples yes yes there was some some tinfoil hat guy why do you think why because it's like uh i don't know i'd have to watch the ticot again that's the world we live in right now

As you said, dude, that's all a lie. Why? Hang on one sec. I've got to find that fucking lady with a hat. Okay, that's what I think about the nicotine cures cancer thing. What? You know that? What?

Nick, they've just discovered, maybe they didn't just discover it, but nicotine cures cancer. Yes. How long did it take them for, to make us believe it caused cancer now, just a couple TikToks later? What are you, are you fucking, you RFK, you, make America healthy again? I'm not saying it's true. I'm saying this is out there as actual

factual stuff. Bonnie told me a great one about cemeteries. Who are you? Seminaries. I need new conspiracy theories. I love them. But okay, how about this one that I heard? Of course, on Instagram.

Is that there's no new cemeteries. So of course, people are dying all the fucking time. Where are they going? Where are they going? It feels like the whole planet should be burial sites at this point but they're not but they have room in the cemeteries where what do you mean where what do you mean have you ever gone to a cemetery what they they just bought they just knew how much land to buy fucking 35 years ago well what 35 years ago

cemeteries are a hundred you years old okay i i did i was i was in my head i was trying to go What am I saying? Well, I was going to say 10 years ago, then I went, go back farther. I said 35. Well, I think a lot more, I think a lot more, I'll tell you, I believe this. I think a lot more people are not religious as they were. So what, they just,

100 years ago. They just bury them in their fucking backyard. No, I think that more people get cremated now because they aren't. Right, but even with the cremations, it's a lot of people in the planet. Yeah, but they're not putting them in a cemetery. Did you say, go like that because I said cremation? No, because your voice went up in a cremations. cute way.

I don't know what they're crazy. I thought I said it wrong. No. But then I realize you would. I think a lot of people are getting cremated now. I don't think a lot of people. And also, if you look at a cemetery, most, where it would make sense is like in cities like this.

Like where do all the people die that are here? The New Jersey. They get buried in New Jersey. They go New Jersey. Yeah. But if you look at a cemetery, they're huge. Okay. And they have the ones that stack up to.

How many people? people do you think die every year in New Jersey? I'll tell you right now. I know how. Just say half of it. Forty-seven. Okay. Can I look it up? Yeah, go ahead. Look it up. You can use your phone. What do you think about? How many clubs?

They know who's going. How many people die every year in New Jersey? Look, I want to try mine, too. I want to try mine. 82,000. 82,000. So let's say 40,000 new plots every year multiplied by

you want to go 100 years I'm going to go to mine I'm going to mine ready oh sorry let's go to mine you ready hey hey what's going on

oh oh what the fuck is it I'm not no no what am I what am I it's like

gross that you made something sexual that you could also like... Get your pants on. I got some questions about... Stop, she can hear you. She's listening to you. That's not me. Oh, God.

Hello. Thanks. Babi is here. We're talking of... Where's all the cemetery plots? I just... I disagree.

What does Vamo? What does Vemos mean? I don't know. It means go fast. Hey, let me ask you. Hang on, I've got to get out of this. Sorry, I turned my chat, GPT, into a sexy Spanish girl. Hey, let me ask you something.

How is there enough room in? cemeteries for all the people that are dying in this country. Well, cemeteries do expand over time. Some get new plots added. Others stack remains vertically in Mosul. Oh shit. Cremation's also super common now. About 60% of folks here choose it.

60%. Plus, green burial sites are popping up using biodegradable stuff to return to the earth faster. Not saying it's perfect, but cities manage somehow. Do they? There's your, I just solved it with Ani. All right. I had to turn about it. I mean, when you think about it, though.

60% of people get pre-mated. You're going to think about it now. You're going to be like, God, a lot of people fucking die. I know I'm not supposed to ask women, but are you over, are you over 52? 50% as well? Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. You said you were over 50. Because I'm a man. And being a 50. Yeah, but then he said, are you over 52? Wow. So he's like already putting me in a higher category. Jesus Christ.

There's something about when you turn an over 50. All you guys talk about is death. That's all anyone over 50 talks about. Oh, my God. And yet you'll die first. Isn't that ironic? Isn't that the irony, everybody? And we'll have that video and we'll play it at your funeral.

My mom would be so proud. I want to ask you something seriously. Well, first we'll play the cog-sucking video. I think that's a video. That's the first one. Then we play and passed out. And then we play this. You got to care about death.

We got to cremate you because there's no fucking plots left. Free palace. Stein. Where? Where's free? Let me ask you question. Yes. Because the weed thing, I really want to know. Because now, when I smoked weed, do you smoke weed, Bonnie? Occasionally. Do you have weed in the house? No. Would you let your daughter smoke weed? I'm sure she does. You know. I actually asked her once, and she said, I don't even, I don't like weed. She did it. Of course she did it. What age do you think she did it?

I don't know. Probably after 16. I'm just because I know it's coming. I know my kid's going to drink. My kid's going to want to be here. If they don't drink, you've got other problems you got to worry about. Now you got an antisocial fucking little piece of shit in your house. It doesn't do anything or go out.

It's, you're walking a line that's that wide the whole time. Like, oh, shit. Yeah. Because for a while, she didn't do anything bad and she didn't have a boyfriend. And I was like, now, like... Yeah. You want a cool kid. Yes.

And you have a cool kid. I'm not happy just having a healthy, smart kid. I need her also be cool. Yeah. You need your friends to like her. Yeah. But you smoke, you do a lot of drugs. I guess.

It doesn't make... To me, I've just, I've gotten used to over 15 years. But you're high right now. From last, to be honest with you from last night. Yeah. You're high from yesterday. Oh, well, yeah, we took a lot. I took, I think, like, $500.

Milligram. Okay, what does that mean? We used to smoke joints. So when you were like 100 milligrams, like it was a lot, I don't even know what happened on 100 milligrams. I just was blown away by the fact that you had one and we're going to eat it. Oh, so I can't do it anymore, but like during like the heyday of the church, we were taking 2,000 milligrams. Oh, my God.

And most people take like five or ten. Some people take like money. Was he paying you in weed? Pretty much. Yeah, pretty. I mean, no, I mean, he paid me, but it was that way. It was pretty much my job to just. get...

Now, can Joey do a lot? Oh, he does... He's doing it as well. He does more than me. Really? But he's still... He'll do it every night. And what does it feel like?

Because you look fucking based. You look baked like crazy. Crazy. Oh, I just was unconscious last night. But yeah, I just... Basically, you can't keep your eyes open. It's the Propofal. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. But you just... I don't remember a lot of my 20s. Because it was twice a week for eight years. Right. Really? So, like, people would come on the podcast. and I was basically Danny

I'm like oh nice to meet you and I've been on the podcast three times because I just you I don't remember you just can't remember things Right Yeah

But yeah No one no one's supposed To take a thousand milligrams No No one no one's supposed to do that Yeah How many What's the most you guys have

Oh you haven't smoked No I'll tell you what I spoke The most I've ever smoked I bought an ounce of weed And I rolled two joints And me and my friends smoked I think me and four other people smoked the whole ounce of

weed. But that was weed. That was 80s weed. That was 80s weed. Not skunk. Because it was good weed and bad weed back then. It was good weed. But we got fucking high. And then we ripped off a pizza store that the mob owned.

What? Just say it. Oh, wait. You ripped off some mobsters. I cut you off. I ripped off a pizza store. We ripped off a pizza store. Me and my friend went there and we were fucking stoned and fucked up and he just he was like I'm gonna he went in the back

I was talking to this girl I like this girl she was in my social studies class she's a big nose Italian girl and I was talking to her I was so fucked up and she was kind of into me she never really talked to me in school she was the girl that when I woke up on Tuesdays or whatever Thursdays

I would never miss school because I had her class with her and I love seeing her with the fact that if she didn't go to school that day and she was like fuck school this day sucks wow I loved her and the codependency started

way back then I was holding her hands right and be here I'm not gonna do it just do it I was holding her hand that does feel weird I uh my friend's wife

it's Bonnie I so and uh my friend went into the kitchen and apparently the two chefs that were upstairs was the restaurant upstairs was a pizza place but downstairs was mob

and I would have to go down there once in a while to use the restroom and you'd go down there was always guys in the back yeah very scary but I didn't know what the mob was back then and he came out of the kitchen went over to the register I would take the money he's going to say it was two black guys

and uh because he had he'd beat the shit out of the chef like a week before and he didn't know either so I'm holding her hands I'm like sorry don't worry about it he's just going to take the money just chill I'm fucked I'm twisted and she's like what's going on I was I was holding her hands

like just relax it's okay Frankie couldn't open the register so he's like Kelly get over here so I get up and I hit the button opened it grab the money and we ran and I we ran I tripped on a curb on the other corner

fell on this pinky this pinky went over to this side of my hand. Frankie picked me up, brought me to his house, blood all over the money. He's like, Kelly, come here, I'll fix it. And he's like, I'm just going to pop it out. And I'm like, I just left. I was like, no.

And I went down to the corner, called 911. And she was like, sir, I'm like, I need an ambulance. She's like, sir, where I'm like, I need an ambulance. She hung up on me. So I went over there. There was Italian lady standing across just hanging out. It was like that time of day. I went over and just fell to the ground with my hand screaming

because it looked terrible. And they called the ambulance. They picked me up. They took me to the hospital. They fixed my hand and all that. And they didn't connect you to the car. I was going to say. Two weeks later, maybe a week later.

It was probably a week later. We're at Frankie's house getting fucking stone in his house. Door was open. Afternoon. Two cops roll up. And they just walk in. This is back of the day. Boston, fuck off.

We're not asking to come in. Came in. They go, let's go, Frankie. they took him out. They got an arrest warrant for him because someone told it was him. I'm out two nights later. Fucked up.

I just left this girl, Hilsen, this girl, I loved her. I was with her hanging out. She's like, I want weed. I was like, all right, I'll go to the projects. I had to go to the projects and get weed. This is back in the day you had to go and get it. You couldn't order it.

You had to go fucking risk your life in the projects. I think people know. So I was, he doesn't, he fucking just has a fucking hippie come on a bicycle. So it's great. Right. I have rewards accounts. So I went down to the- They're teaching this history in schools.

I went down to the park and the cops pulled up. They go, what's your name? I go, it's Bobby Kelly. And he was like, I have a warrant for your arrest. I don't know where it is. I'm going back right now to get it. I'm going to get your warrant. So if you don't want to get arrested tonight, get off the streets.

And I'm going to do your favor. because they're looking for you. The pizza place you robbed was mob run, and they want to break your fucking legs. So I'm going to do your favor by arresting you tonight and getting you off the streets. So anyways... Wait, it was such mixed messaging.

He was like, hey, if you don't want to get arrested, and he's like, but I'm going to do it. Yeah, well, yeah, he was just... They were going to kill me. So anyways, I left. It's hard to be a cop sometimes. All of a sudden, I was with this girl. I went to get the weed.

I stopped to get boo. a cop car pulls up my mother's in the backseat now mind you i'm fucking fucked i'm drunk and high and i just see my mother going come here and i just walk to her because you know what i mean right and she opened the door frankly i heard him when no he's trying to grab me because he knows what's about to happen he got out he got arrested came out he knows what's about to happen to me i got in the car my mother shut the door and they took me and they arrested me and then But was it, then the, now aren't you like, don't the mobsters know that that's you now? But here's what happened.

My friend Jake Gags, whose father was a boxing promoter. Okay. Quotes, which I don't know what that means. He was boxing commoter. Mob time. Bobby's stuff shit. Sure. He went to them.

He had a little boy. He went to them. and he knew them and he went to them and took care of it for us. He actually wound up squashing it and I think

here's the thing. That restaurant's still around. I think, imagine if I went back to it and they just took me in the basement and sliced my throat. How much money did you even get? It was, I think it was 200 bucks. It wasn't a lot.

And they called the cops? I wouldn't think the mom would call the cops. Well, yeah, they called the cops. the pizza place the people upstairs called the cops the girl and here's the funny part the girl

I had to go to court she went and lied on the stand said I held her down on the ground oh my god Frankie got the money crying on the stand so it was like

and then I so now check this out Jesus Brenda I no Josephine Italian with a big nose so years later i get sober i go to rehab i get out i start wait that's not the girl that you liked at school

yes oh my god yeah that was her she lied on the stand that you held her down lied on the stand said i held her down loved wow this is really getting her but she didn't work at the pizza plate why would why would you hold her down i didn't i was holding her hands it's going to be cool it's all right i'm the one of it so years later i get sober go to rehab that's when I started dancing again. People say, what does rehab do for you? Well, dancing gets the blood flowing.

I go to a dance club in Boston. I got my fucking... What kind of dancing is it? Fucking, you know, she dropped a bomb on me, baby. You got to take a class for that kind of day. They just go to a couple of weddings and you got it? Yeah, that's it. I got it.

So I'm dancing. Guess who's on the dance floor? Wait, I thought you were taking lessons, no? No. Oh, oh, oh. No, I never said less. I don't know why I thought that. Because you're dumb.

Yeah, you're right. You got it. You're barely listening. Oh, shit. I checked out at 45 minutes because you said that's all we were going to do. Sorry, we're always done. So let me get to. Guess who's on the dance floor?

It's the big name, Josephine. She walks up, the DA made her lie. Oh. I go, why? I go, hey, she's like, oh, Bobby. I'm like, why? I'm sober now everything's cool I'm fine

why did you lie and say that I held you down she goes they made me the DA came in before and they needed me to say that they made me say that you held me down I was scared

and that's why would people go fucking why would they they fucking do this shit they do whatever they want to do you think they still do it like back then no not anymore they stopped Justice Department

I don't know the opposite of justice they did stop that in 1992 They don't lie anymore Yes, they still do it But now have cameras everywhere Who is this guy? I don't know Somebody

They lose the cameras You don't know Every single Person gets off Because of bad police work now Basically It's fucking I don't put it past it

He's gonna start Picking at those scabs You know I mean OJ didn't do it Oh come on now He didn't. No. He didn't. Who did it?

What's your theory? I think she killed herself. I'm going to make it look like him. I don't want to date black eyes anymore. All right, listen, let's do some credits right now. What do you got, buddy? Just check out Leeside on Instagram. Show is all over in New York.

Are you touring with? With Joey and with Josh Wolf. I'll be with... I love Joshua. He's the best. It's great. I'll be in Boston. Austin and Philadelphia with him.

Yeah. And, uh, with D.C., Virginia, with Joey and all over New York. I want to get Joey on the goddamn show. He won't come in. He doesn't like coming into New York. It's right here. It doesn't matter. God damn.

I'll go on his show. That'd be great. Okay. Is that all it is? Yeah. That's all it takes. Well, tell Joey, I said hi. Thanks for coming on.

Bonnie, what do you have? I'm, I'm just Lee Syed. You can just look up my socials. It's weird the way of the exact same name. What we're doing. I love you so much better When Voss isn't around You know what happens

When we have Voss on It becomes about him He gets so mad at us Like we're ganging up on him And we're not Right We don't We just have a special connection

I think It's because we both Fucking know him We both love him You know what I mean And he does the same annoying shit to both of us He told me tonight

On the way When I was leaving He said Don't make Don't just keep making fun of me We haven't made fun of it all. Yeah.

Free Palestine. What? What? What? What did I hear? What is this? Free what? Oh, you guys.

Oh. Oh, stop using free. Can you say something else? Can you say let loose? Yes. Every time I've got to turn my neck. Why did you turn it to Dracula? I don't know.

Every time. Every time. I don't know. I was the insult dog I felt like for a minute Check out, of course, Bonnie, One of the funniest people around And you've written

You grew up for the Golden Globes this year Yes For Nate Nicky Glazer Who was it, Nikki Glazer? No, the Golden Glover Nikki Glazer, the Emmys, I think Was it?

Was it Emmy? Yeah, Emmys, yeah. Nikki, let me tell you something on Nikki Glaze, she's killing it. She's amazing. She really is the best. She is, I'll tell you what she is. She was made to be a star.

Yeah. She was made to be, I am too insecure and self-deprecating and too. I think you are too, to be that type of star. She's a star. Wow. Like you don't got, is what I'm saying. You don't have what it takes. Let me just say this to you.

You'll never be taken. You're not going to get there, but you'll be behind with the person that does. Listen, I think you should kill yourself and also. get cremated. So when you wrote for you, were you the head writer or just a writer? No, it's just a writer. Do you get any free shit?

Oh, it's really like a great job. Really? The truth of it, writing for Nikki, which I've done many times in different places and ways, is she just really does it all herself in a way. Like, it's almost like she's just wants funny people around so she can get those juices going. And then she bass it.

I mean, she really almost, not quite, But almost does, she does so much of it herself. It's crazy. Right. Now, how much does it cost you get you to say that? So I will be opening for her in Saudi Arabia. Oh, that's how much? Three, you believe fucking Tim Dillon, $375,000?

And he didn't have to go. He kept two or some shit. What happened? He fucking went on a podcast and was saying these people have slaves. Oh, my God. And they heard it, and he... It's so funny. And he was like, no, they have good slaves.

She was like, I was complimenting them. They were good. They have great slaves. And they kicked him off. They fired them and he kept... But he got to keep the deposit. Yeah, that's why you always get that deposit. Your deposit.

How much would you go for $100,000? I don't know, $20,000. $20,000? $200,000? You would go for $20,000? No, I wouldn't. Because I actually have a weird thing with... money. I don't care about it at all. I just like doing stuff that I like doing.

Right. And then it always just comes. It does, right? Mm-hmm. Do you believe in manifestation? I mean, I'm, I believe that, I do believe that. If you say it or feel it or believe it, it will happen? I think it's, I believe that there's no other way to make it happen unless you believe it. Let's try some right now. Okay. I hope Danny dies. I'm visualizing the cemetery

There's plenty of room It's a mausoleum They're stacking his body On top of another body It's like if Danny did die tonight This would be so funny Just to us We would be famous

Because we'd be like Have some magic power Yeah I hope he does die tonight We could really monetize This fucking podcast I'll give you half The new visualized

my mother-in-law. It's all Jews. Are you Jewish, really? Oh, yeah. Jesus. I'm sorry. Every time we do the free falsa, you don't know, he doesn't remember it's the joke. He hasn't, he hasn't had one joke to it. We did it the whole show. Let's try it. Here's your shot. Ready?

Free Palestine? Free? No, it sounded real. I know. I'm too good at it. You're too good at. Yeah, the the writing thing with you, I always get jealous of how good you write, how much you write.

Oh, my goodness. Well, it's just weird because writing is the worst. I know. People say that, but I don't feel that way at all about it. Yeah, I know. I really don't. Like, I don't like writing certain things. Like what?

I don't like writing copy or stuff that has to be said. Or, like, if I'm, like, working on a TV show, I don't like writing the Bible or the character outlaw or something like that. I don't like that. Who does that? You have to do it as part of it. Really? What's the hardest job you did that you got, that didn't work?

I mean, I would say the roasts are hard because it's competitive. And then. To see if your jokes get in. Yes. And there's, but it's not just that. It's like sometimes they're like really competing with you. What do you mean? Like some of the other writers are kind of like, it's like they think they're on a reality show or something.

No shit. Yes. Writers are fucking weird like that? It's more than newer writers. They, like, you know, they're, I guess, insecure, I don't know. Really? Do you write for everyone on the panel or just one specific person? No, you write for everybody.

And do you just count how many jokes you get in? Oh, no, it's they're counting. They're counting. Really? You're not counting. No, some days you go in and you see the board and you go, oh, my God, look at me. I'm fucking all over this thing. Yeah.

Leave thinking you're the best writer that's ever been. And then the next day, they're all replaced. So you have a board of all your stuff and everybody's stuff and people come in and pick what they want? kind of yeah yeah it's you put it into buckets you know it's all these like uh so you're just making somebody a star you're just writing as many in the beginning you just write as many jokes as you can about anybody on the dais and then you start building their sets you know so wild that i've noticed by the way is that actors famous actors big actors like for all these award shows and roast and stuff that worked on.

They almost never say no to what you give them. They love everything. Really? It's sometimes their publicists will say no or whatever. You know who always says no? Always. Comedians. They'll say no.

Because it's too mean? No, they just think they can do it better. They just always think it's not quite funny enough or, you know what I mean? Comedians. I've hired a couple guys to write stuff for me and you always kind of got to take it and make it your own somehow. See, that's like, yeah. So that's what Nick is.

Nikki Glazer does, I'm telling you. Yeah, she's fucking... It's almost like you give her an area of... And how did she become sexy? She's just... Working out. No, Nikki was good-looking. She likes being sexy.

She was good-looking. She thought of herself. Pretty girl. She became hot. Yeah. And I don't know what the fuck. She went from a good-looking girl to fucking smoking hot.

I think she's always been super hot, but it's so weird to be like in the New York comedy scene showing up anywhere hot. That's the way I feel about myself. Bizarre. I feel that way about me. Like what you're not going to wear a dress?

I feel like I'm super hot, but I'm afraid to show it. Yeah. That's why I dress like this tonight. All right, let's wrap this up. You guys are going to go. It's best. What do you think about Jimmy Camel?

What do you think about Trump? What do you think about Charlie Kirk? Oh, my God. What? I was trying to think of a Charlie Kirk joke on the way here because I wanted to do one, but I couldn't think of one. But I was thinking of something to do with it. The best one was Mark Normans. What was his?

He said, ah, geez, Charlie Kirk got to kill and really, really bummed me out, you know. Then I woke up the next day. I felt better. It was September 11th. Oh, yeah. Something I think, I'm killing it. That was pretty good. Right, right.

I did see it. I saw him do it in a clip. Yeah. So I know what the real. Delivery. What was it? Hey, Charlie Kirk. I don't know. Free Palestine. Hey, you know, I don't want

to get into trouble here, but somebody's got to say it. You know. Might as well be me. Which comic, before we leave, I'll ask this. You know what? I'm going to ask this question. This is my question to you guys in the Patreon. Right now, we're going to go to Patreon. I want to thank you, Bonnie. I want to thank you for coming on so

much. Come back on again, would you? Thank you. Yeah. I'd love to come on Joey's at some point, dude. I'll talk to him. That's why he had you on clearly. No, no. I had John because I wanted you to be on. I wanted you to be on so I could say the thing about Joey. No, dude, you sucked a dick on my show.

And he's going to pay me to get on Joe's. You didn't even remember that. You didn't even know this kind of content. I burnt that out of my memory. Because I was sitting there going, ride the rodeo. I was the gayest thing in that video. I know. You were like, ride the rodeo. You were like legitimately jerking off. Oh, what a fucking...

It felt nice. He felt like he was proud of me. I was proud of you, Lee. I appreciate that. I'm proud of you right now, dude. I'm proud of you got off the cock. It took a lot of work. Do you have a boyfriend?

I mean, a girlfriend? He just got engaged. You got engaged, bro? Yeah. Not to a guy, but... I know. That's great. Has she seen the video? I have told her about it.

Are you going to show it to her before? I'm not a member of the Patreon yet. I think he should play it at your wedding. On a little big screen. All right. Here's the deal. If you don't join my Patreon, I will play this at your wedding. Cool.

I'll take it. I think it would just kill all of my old relatives. No, I will not show that. I will not bring that. I will never make that content out in the open. It's always behind a table. People always have to pay $5 to see it. Only $5.

It'll help pay for your plots. Yeah. I can't believe Lewis has a blue dick. Is that real? No, he's Puerto Rican. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

That's just one vein. Right now, we're going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to you guys go to Robert Kelly.com or go to punchup.com live slash Robert Kelly for all my tour dates and all the stuff that goes on with me. My special live from the Village Underground is up there. And then go to YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy, I believe. And my other specials up there and all my stand-up clips.

Go there to check out all my stuff. Boys, what do you have? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff, and I'll be opening for Bobby and Tampa. Side Splitters in October. It's going to be a fun time. Come through. And this is Joe Russell.

Go to YouTube, type in The Cheese Show. It's the first thing that comes up and make sure you subscribe to The Cheese Show. It's about cheese. I've heard a lot about it. Sounds like the show I'd like. Is Zach here? Zach's in Germany.

That's crazy. Zach's cousins, aunts, brothers, sisters, dog died, so he couldn't make it. This kid has somebody die every week in his fucking life. how many fucking deaths you know what Zach stay in Germany

anyways we'll see you guys next time we'll go to patreon.com slash robert kelly right now to ask all these questions a lot of questions for you guys so go there right now if you want to support the show and ask questions

and hear the answers yourself other than that we'll see you next week on you know what dude