Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #613 | Ryan Long,, Cipha Sounds, & JJ Liberman

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

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and important safety information. Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has no rules. God, to help you're ruining this. First of all, man. Sorry, it's a comedy podcast.

This isn't NPR. That's what the podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. what's up everybody we're live l-I-V-E at the comedy seller studios above the world famous comedy seller once again for episode and uh i don't fucking know we've done so many of these fucking things uh i got a show for you tonight that is i think we're mixing worlds every once in a while we mix worlds where people don't know each other we actually have a studio guest in the studio from london who

you know, we'll see if she makes the whole show with you in here. Don't blame me. I blame you for all of it. Everybody, Danny, who do we got? We have JJ Lieberman, Ryan Long, and Seifus out. Hello. Well, give the credits, God damn it.

Who's from London? See the one looking at you, condescending for saying that? She didn't get brought up, though. What do you mean? No intro. She doesn't get an intro. You get the intro. I gave her the intro.

All right, I got it now. All right. We're locked in. What's up, Danny? Go. We have Seifah Sounds from Hot 97 Chappelle Show and his new radio show on 94.7 The Block. JJ from the Two Goons podcast with Che DeRena and Ryan Long from the boys' cast with his new special out problem on YouTube. You got a new special out now? Problem solved, but did we get a redo on that?

Yeah, do it again. Danny, do all of it again. Also came out eight months ago. Did it come out eight months ago? It was 11 months ago? Possibly 13. have the, this is why this, I always go, why is my, I did my podcast right when Rogan and Burr, I started Burr's podcast, why didn't mine ever take off? Name drops out of the gate.

Because of this fucking guys. I always get comics who, I do remember, though, you were the OG one. I remember in Toronto, sometimes here and there, people would come to do it. And I remember you had the network, right? I had a network. I had the podcast. I had Dan Soda, Joe List, Lewis Gomez on the show all the time. Scoopo? Joe, that's why. Scopo was the producer. That's why Vrant And then I replaced him with Gabby

Who is now killing it Whose father is the Oh, the guy from I'm sorry, Bon Jovi Real quick, what is he? What is that? I think he was smacking an ass with his hands As bongos

What are you doing? Are you from Amsterdam? Are you doing fucking mimes now? Her dad's the drummer. He's not the drummer, you fucking assort. Is he the drummer? I thought he was a drummer. I thought he was the drummer, too.

No, he's the keyboard guy. Finger drummer, we call it. That's how he plays keyboards like this. Sorry, how's this? That's way better. Yeah, she's skyrocketing to fame. And then I got Danny and Joe. And now here we are.

And he fucked up your special, I have Paul. No, I love these guys. It's a good squad. They're a good squad. I love them. I love autistic kids. You know what I mean? you're doing a lot for the community

I'm doing a lot for the community. I do always forget that you're running a daycare over here. It really is. It really is and I know they're about to leave when they're like, I can't do a show. Ryan wants me on the road with them for a month. Don't ever do that to me. Don't you keep this one. That's a good way to reward

your employees. Just so you know, no one take these guys on the road. Never take these comments on the road. Burke of the job. Once they make it, I'm done. I've got a fucking find another open micer. Also, nobody does a road like you use, like you,

nobody goes away for it. Spit it out. Nobody goes away for a month in a row. You go, you for the weekend. Who doesn't go away for a month? Oh, you go for a weekend and you come back. Have you talked to Louis, Shane? Anybody's successful?

JJ actually hasn't talked to Louie recently. I was a dumb question. A little laps in there. Dump question on my podcast. Have you ever seen Louis? These guys go on there for months. No, but they still come back home. Louis goes away.

Dude, I was going to, he asked me to do shows with him, but it's like, you know, fucking weak. You got things to do. You got any of mine, I would have went with him in a second. How do you avoid, we were talking about the snacks on the road, because I'm a big snacker. You just like to say the word. You love the way you go snack.

I like snacks. What did you do on there? You, fuck. I stuffed my fat face. Yeah, what are you talking about? Snacks. Yeah, I'm not shredded. I fucking went to Italy with him.

He's like, how do you stay so slender, Bobby? We went all out of the snacks. on the road we're not we're not yeah yeah dude it's a problem it's what do you think i ran every morning i woke up and got pasta i fucking i lose i lose a lot of water weight by crying after how much i eat on the road oh dude when i when i did europe i did europe for a month with louis ass face and uh buddy we went all over i ate my fucking fat tits off there's a photo of me eating at one point i think it was caviar and it was in a jar right out the jar yeah because louis louis a fat dude too you know what i mean is he bougie is it all like great restaurants

he only gets i mean we the best meal i ever had was i think in norway and it was in this little shit place and it was a seven-course meal yeah and they had fried um it was uh their uh what of the flowers from the zucchini flour you know they have they fry them um it was fried zucchini fritters like at a sports bar

real high end restaurant they had these uh mozzarella fried in pango and I was a blooming zucchini I've done a show with it before so I know you have to let them finish I did fried

zucchini flour is that what it is Danny with frogwa dumb dumb frogwa in the middle so it was you bit into it and melted frogwa would fucking drip out of your mouth it was one of the greatest things I've ever I love fogua I love it too I didn't think I was gonna like it but I loved I just bought my first bottle of caviar a couple weeks ago

so good it's amazing I love it I love it he ordered caviar one night it was just in mason jars and it was like thousands of dollars but just a spread it was it was like in a cup this big and you just, they brought over a, they brought over the regular little biscuits or whatever they fucking call. London, what do they call those? I knew she, no. She said it with disdain. You should know, stupid. Yeah, the little tiny pinini things. And they only had like 10 of them. He goes, you need to bring, they brought over a whole plate. Because it was just us scooping it like

peanut butter, like savages in this restaurant. Christine's. Christine's. That's not what it's called. Yeah, it is a Christine. Is it? Is it a Kristini? Bellini. Blini. All right. Blini. All right.

He said Christina. That's a chick in the bank. Yeah, he's thinking the supermarket in New York. Yeah, I'm a fat. But you're a thin, yeah. But you're a thin dude. What do you eat? I'm medium these days.

I got a couple on me. No, you don't, dude. You look fantastic. The trick is, thank you. I appreciate that. You're welcome. And I like the eye contact as you say it. I did say it.

The trick is, eat hard for three months. Eat hard for three months. Starve yourself The death for three weeks, yeah. What do you mean hard? How you eat normally, one up, one below that. Right, okay. I thought you meant how he eats.

Just have a hard cock. He eats like you, but then he does the same thing. He's like a, like, there's certain people that all they're thinking about his food. Yeah. So he'll not eat for a day, but that's all he's thinking about. You won't eat for a whole day. Sometimes, yeah, yeah. Why?

Buddy, our friends, Anthony Synagogia. Anthony? No, Anthony? No, Anthony? No, Anthony? No, I have no idea he talking about. Nima Nizira just did the grammar. So, you know these guys trying to? I think, yeah, I think you do.

So, we were going to go to Chinese food. Whole plan, they've got all Chinese food. Both them are fat, right? Mark's is very fat. I mean, guys. All right. We got Chinese food plans. And then we're like, okay, you know what? It's taking too long.

Let's get slice of pizza instead. We get slice of pizza. And then we're going, oh, well, watch the last of this blue jig game, 45 minutes. So while we're there, wings, you know, chicken fingers, everything. And then I'm like, all right, I'll see you guys later. Like, what we mean? We're doing Chinese food. I go, oh, this was the app.

We just ate twice. I figured we're not. And they go, no, we have a reservation. They went two slices, full wings, everything. And then it's like, well, we have plans to. I've been thinking about the chat. I can't not. I went to Joe's one that was Janus Poppus.

Right. And we ordered a pizza, a large cheese. And as we were sitting, they were like, why don't we get two slices while we're waiting. So we got two slices each. Then we were like, dude, why don't we get a couple? We ate a whole pie waiting for our pie. And then we ate that pie. I was like, no, because if you go in there and order a pie, they got to make it fresh.

fresh but the slices are right there right there kid right there and they go down slippery they go down so he's dude the fattest tour i ever did i did a i did a uh small theater tour like one-nighters yeah i call it the uh you didn't make it tour so you got to do wednesday i do a wednesday in cleveland one night so i did this whole tour with star rose halkeous yeah and let me tell you something that we had to make up fat laws We ordered wings one night And he first of all He grabbed the first wing

Which is nuts I mean nuts Why is it nuts? Because you're the star I'm paying for everything Right okay yeah You're right no I agree with you I get the first wing

Are you a leggy or a flat I'm a I was a leggy Now I'm a flat guy Okay Yeah because Patrice taught me How to eat the flats Okay yeah

You just put it in your mouth You suck it out Yeah All right relax Easy easy Easy easy That's the right thing to say, but the way you said it was wrong. It's like, I just pictured you sucking something out of somebody.

Yeah, you break the thing and then suck off the meat, right? So I go to make a phone call. I come back, the wings are gone. He goes, I thought you had done. I go, that's wild. I go, you can't have the first one and you can't have the last one. That's a fucking new fat law on the road. He was skinny, though, right?

No, he was skinnier. I just saw him in that movie that What's the movie I saw? Badia does Halloween. Baluga? Baluga whale? No. It was a weird movie. It was some fucking, you know, some Greek director Whatever. It's like a, you know, what is it called?

What is it called? I can't pronounce it. Well, try. I want to tell you to what it's gone. Bagonia. Bagonia. No, Bagonia. Yeah, Borgonia. Fucking crazy. Stavros is in it. He kills it. He's great. Yeah, he's so funny and everything, like all the acting things. He's so good in. This movie is fucking nuts. It's crazy. The end is weird. It's very weird. You'd love it. You should have been in it.

But Stavroos shows up and he's, I just know that he had to put that fucking cop uniform on and they had a, you know, the first one didn't fit. I know that. What size of you? double X, then they had to go, you're not doing it like, you're triple X. But European double X is different. Nah, dude, European double X is a fucking nightmare. Medium. Oh, I hate it.

I hate it. They finally make it fat guy T-shirts, though, in America. Yeah? Yeah. The true classic is, they make it tight up top and fat. Right, yeah, that's the way. Because if you get the real, damn, we sound fat. We do.

They don't. You get the real three X's, it's too big up top. Yeah. It's like fucking wide, man. Yeah, because you guys don't have. a fat guy arms. Like, you know, when they have a lot of like, no thing. You ever seen the Chinese

fat store names? What's that? You ever seen the Chinese fat store name? No, what is that? Pull some of these up. So, like, it's rough translations, so, but they have it in English and it just says, like, fat store. Like stuff, you know, all stuff like that. I love the Chinese. Fat fucks. They don't care. They have incredible

fat names. They just put American fat fuck in front of it. It's worse than that. It's like fatty boom-boom. Something like that. What is it? Of course, my producer takes seven years to do it. Fat beauty. Fat beauty.

I don't mind that. I'd love to be called the fat beauty. That would be fantastic. Lard attire. Oh, my God. Wait, this is in America or in China? So in China. Like, you know how people have a Chinese symbol now?

You don't really know what it says. They have like a rough translation. They're fat stores. They have American names. So they're trying to say big and tall. Yeah. But they put some spice on it It's just the Baluga store

It's just a house with another house they're writing They're incredible But there's tons of them And yeah they just have English writing on it I want to get that I want to get that tattoo The Chinese writing the tattoo It says fat people's store

What does that mean? Fat people store Yeah being fat on the road It's hard though When you go on the road Right? Is this your girlfriend? No

Is this just a friend? Yeah All right I don't know what the fuck I think that's fair to ask, too. It was fair. Well, that clears up the info for me, too. No. What was going on?

Well, no, because you might ask, he might ask, like, some deviant question. I would, you know, I would always, I would say. Yeah, I would. Ask away. All right. Why are you singing it? I don't know.

Why'd you turn into fucking bellbiv de vaugh? Ask away, motherfucker. Um, no, I was just checking before we get into some deep shit. You don't know what I got it? Oh, Joe's walking around. You're going to be careful with Joe. He walks around like fucking the lurch. The middle of the show, he's just behind you taking photos.

Well, the thing is, I'm kind of mad at my wife. I was talking about this on the bonfire today, is that I got that fat. I was 360 pounds with her. Yeah. And she never, she never, like, motor. She never said, hey, maybe at, like, $2.90. No, yeah, no, when you cross that three threshold,

you need to have a conversation. Yeah, I'm with you. else's fault fuck you skinny you're not married though yeah but when you're with your wife you expect if i was fat it would definitely be the girls hey man this isn't what i bought into

you know what i mean right you want her to say to you something not just let it happen and let me die you know what i mean what the fuck you maybe that was the plan yeah but what's she gonna get a fucking split level ranch and catona i mean she's not matt rife i'd fucking let that kid if i was his wife if i was his wife I let him fucking choke himself

to that. Serious X-M royalties. Yeah, yeah, right. Exactly, what, fucking two grand of fucking every quarter? You can't play my shit on Serious XM. Yeah, she let me... She's going to find that out the hard way. Oh, bitch, you're eating. I go on the seeking arrangement thing, too,

and they're going to find out the hard way, too. I don't have no money. Do you have a significant? What do you mean? Like on a person? I guess that's a no. Yeah, I mean, I guess... A significant of anything?

Nobody's all. You never heard... term significant other he has nothing significant but he's i don't know i've heard significant other you've heard significant other i've never heard say significant well you probably put the pieces together i mean you could probably we're talking about one big piece have you ever heard of deducing yeah sherlock cock sucks not even wants it i agree it's your wife's fault though i'm with you listen this is what i'm it's not my wife's fault i understand what you say you piece of passive

aggressive shit i know i'm with you i'm saying she needs to get her act it's not her fault what do you say to her now when you're like leaner i tell it i tell it i tell it no help from you i say get your shit together because you're getting fat too i think you should yeah you don't want them get like jenny sacks from sopranos yeah that made me so happy when they call that like you see this fucking baluga whale and they get all mad she's like crying she's crying i'm sorry john i'm sorry that was so sad you fat pig you fat fuck i got off my dad dude she was sneaking food she had like lasagna in the fucking cabinet downstairs a basement that's like you know

the moment of a movie i related to the most is you ever see monster ball monster's ball i think yeah the little fat black hit in it he he got he got a beating from from hallie berry because he was he was keeping chocolate bars under his pillow he was hiding food and he got he went in his room and started snacking and she came in what the fuck are you doing mother fucker you're not supposed to eat that because he's too fat and he's like I'm sorry ma I've been in that position oh my wife caught me

this is a true story she caught me eating pizza out of the garbage one night I swear to it's actually not that crazy if it didn't touch anything yeah I strategically placed it in the garbage by the wrong I swear to God I was like we're done with this right she's like yeah we're finished you don't need anymore and I

just a plate and a plate and I put it I go yeah I'm throwing this out very carefully and I put it in there Yeah, I was a fucking... And you went back and ate it cold or you heated it up? Oh, dude, I ate that fucking cold. She caught me. I had one sock on in my tidy witties.

And I was sitting there like this. And three in the morning, she said, she goes, you are a fucking pig. Wait, wait, wait. That was the hell are helping you. No, it was hurting my feelings. Like my mom, my sister, my stepfather, that killed me. Did you have makeup sex after the pizza?

I was 360. You think I had enough energy to, As soon as I ate the pizza My foot felt wet And I passed out Dude I ate so much That I would just pass out I would just fucking

This hurts This hurts I'm a good boyfriend Because I'll let them know If they're one pound overweight You have a scale In the front door I'm looking up on them

I have it under the mat It just goes ding And a chicken And then I turn the lights on I go I think we need to talk It's so You know what's great now

Is this fucking and all this, the shot, the fat shot, they finally figured it out. There's gonna be a point where you can eat whatever the fuck you want and you just take a shot once a week and you're not a fat fuck. They cured aging for men.

Men, you don't have to go bald anymore. You don't have to go bald anymore. They've fixed your kicks and you don't have to be fat. Like, they've cured. There's dudes out there that are 70 that could be for it. Like they've fixed... Yeah, and women are still getting breast cancer.

Why don't you focus in on the right thing, you piece of shit? Yeah, well, they can't fix a woman getting old. Yeah, everybody looked like Sean Connery in Red October. The fix for women is only you can get the one plastic surgery face where you look younger but weird. Well, they fixed that too. They just came out with a new one. New plastic surgery face?

Yeah. One of the Jenner's has it. Yeah, the oldest Jenner, the mom got it because they were doing the- Oh, that's the facelift. I was talking. Facelift. Well, they used to just pull it back. Yeah.

Everybody looked like John Rivers. Hey. Ah. What do they do now? Now they do this thing where they put They, instead of pulling it back They put it up They put things here

So your face falls this way Not this way Right They just push it back on the face Like a face like a breast lift But for your fate They do it there yeah I mean she looks fent

She looks to the left And look to the right She's 70 Yeah that does look better I mean way better Well that's also work though For what it's worth One on the left

That's her The blonde? The blonde is her On the right she's 85 That's the new facelift Why did they put that stuff? That's what gay dudes would put in their face when they sunken in from AIDS. Instead of having wrinkles, they'd fill it up.

What did you just say? What did you just say? People that don't have AIDS, they've cured that for guys. No, no. In the 80s, guys would have that sunken in face. Yeah, because they, but now they don't. You can take the fucking prep with AIDS and fuck all. I mean, they really hook guys up. With HIV, I think AIDS are still done.

Sure? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't know, but I've tested it out. I don't have that information. How do they, how is? How is that the medical term? Eighth? Full-blown.

I always hated that. Really? You go to the doctor, the hospital? It's AIDS. Full-blown. Yeah. Keith. Because he sucked him off to finish.

That's how he got it. If it's full-blown, it's serious. A common cold could put you out. I don't want to hear full-blown for my doctor. Use medical terms. Give me medical terms. Yeah, full-blown is just a weird one. That's what they said.

Easy had full-blown. Oh, sorry, Easy was a rapper. I know who easy he is. They don't. I know who is. Who is he? Gangsters Paradise. I had one quick second, and I threw it out.

You were so close, though. I threw it out. I tell you, so I had a split second, and I'm like, I'm going. I don't, I really am confident. I thought you had it. It's NWA. J.J. I'll find out about it.

Yeah. Do you know what NWA stands for? Say it. Oh, I say it all this, huh? Hey, hey now. 94.5. Easy. He's going to get shit.

He's going to get fired. I don't care. All right. Go ahead. Say it. No, I'm kidding. Does that frustrate you that he doesn't know who easy he is? Like, he's just nothing?

No. It doesn't frustrates me. It just lets me know, like, where he stands in life. Like, no, I knew. In life, all of life. I judge people, not in a bad way. I'm saying how I can converse with you is if you are of hip-hop knowledge or not. All right, so test me.

Like, how, you probably know old stuff. Well, tell you. I know the old stuff. What the fuck is that? When did hip hop change in the 80s? Who were the three or four responsible for the change? In the 80s. 80s.

80s. The 86. 86. Run the MCC. No, it was it. Beastie boys. No, it was the hip hop. The hip-hop.

It was no addition. That's Sugar Hill Gang. That's 79. Mark Wahlberg. Wait, what was the first of it? The first one you said, Beastie Boys? Beastie Boys, Mark Walker. Mike.

Eminem. Yeah, the greats. That's my top five. And Fred Durst. And Fred Durst. That's my top five. Fred Durst did change it in the 90s. No, that Fred's Dirt is not doing hip-hop.

He was kind of doing rapy. I know those two guys who had the radio station at Uptown. They kind of changed the game a lot. You just said the Vegas terms. Yeah, you said uptown because that's where they live. There was those two kids who did it on like NYU or something. wasn't it that really pushed that I saw some... You know who I'm talking

about it? Yeah, yeah. Weren't they instrumental? Yes, that's 90s. You're talking about stretch on, strong, and Bobito. Yeah, stretch. Yeah, yeah. They were at Columbia University. Okay, NYU, too. I got it. I... But that was... They were super huge for New York, right? Give me another one. That's too crazy. Go a little lighter. No, but, okay, you'll know when I say it. In 86,

shit changed from the hip, the hop, the hip-de-hip-up. It got real, lyrically... And W.A. No, Rakim. Rock Kim did it. Big Daddy Kane. Big Daddy Kane. Oh, yeah, there, yeah.

Sound like Michael Rap before it right now. Karras one. Kouras one. And Kooji Rap. Because that's when it started getting street. That's when it started getting very real. Technically, literal. But real.

It was real before. Like, if you listen to Furious Five, Grandma's Flash, Furious Five about, what's the song? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You know the shit about the streets being fucked up. Yep. I can't think of the name.

Oh, the message. Oh, the message. That was real. That was real. But Raqim, Big Daddy Kane, Keras won, and Koojee rap. What about L.L. Kuljah? The singer from POD. No, L.O. Kulj was big, but not in that.

But L.L. Kuljay went over to white people. El Kool J is phenomenal. I mean, but he was one of those guys. He's like the next. The next one? Now, when Eminem came in, did it fuck everything up? No. Oh, was it like, oh, shit.

No. People say he's the greatest rapper of all time. He's the most incredible, one of the most incredible lyricist. You heard he hear first from Saifa Greatest rapper of all time. No, but he didn't have lyricists. Because he actually cares about the art form

and he says all his favorite rappers are like the real rappers. He's not some guy that's just kind of just doing it for fun. What about that new guy, that new white kid? By Bunny? Is that him? No. No, who's the, he looks like Eminem.

He has a rap out. Little Naboo. Is it him? No. Chris Turner. Chris Turner. He's good. No, there's a new kid.

kid out he's got a fucking rap out it's sick he's very like Eminem and he's blowing up right now how do you not know that who I don't know what you're saying he's white that's just two people that I can be talking about me I don't know who's

white right now that's blowing up that sounds like Eminem come on I don't know Danny look it up Isap Rocky Rocky what? I don't know Danny look it up and stop being a fucking joke Oh I know uh Kid Rock

No Kid Rock's good though Kid Rock's country. Selling a stadium, so he's a pretty big rapper. He is a big rapper. Jelly Roll. No, not jelly roll. Nope.

Nope. What did you just look at white rappers? Popular white rappers. I put him like in order of recent release. Oh, you're thinking of Asher Roth, the great. Fuck, I love that. It's just coming up. Shit.

You don't remember him? I love college. Who's the guy on? You couldn't like that shit. God damn. I love that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Ashroth. Ashroth was my first.

No, dude. Where is he? Post Malone? No. Mac Miller? No. Tchaishi? No, no. But recent. But recent. Right now, recent. Put recent. You need to chat. G.P.T. 2025. He's definitely thinking of G.E.Z. 2025. White. Did he? No. He did. He did. He did. Who is it? What's the name? I'm not pretty happy to hear who you think is the biggest rapper in the world right now. Jack Harlow. No. Do photo. This is going to be great.

New image. Yeah, it's going to be someone hilarious. God, I think he's... I hope it's an AI artist. Is it an AI artist? Oh, yeah, I couldn't. I don't know.

You're sure it's not the rapper from Lincoln Park? No. It's not the rapper from Lincoln Park. He has a hoodie. Type in fucking... Who's in this?

Young gravy. Type in what. Type in Bobby's car playlist. I'm going to find him a piece of shit. Right now, I've got to go through all my views. You see that white ginger guy? Okay, you see, you see how you're not a hip-hop guy?

Not really, but you know that, you know that, you know that, oh, he does. I mean, I know what kind of, you know that white ginger guy. He says the N-word like crazy. And that while, you know that guy, right? No. Dude, big, fat white guy. I forget his rap name, but he's, he, he, like, his whole thing is he's like, I'm actually hood drops the N-word, like, oh, I've heard.

I've heard of him. Yeah, you know, like, I'm talking about. You think that's, uh, you think that's good or bad? What's your stance on? I'm not the one to ask. I never care. Here he is right here. NF, the search.

Type in NF to search. I never heard of this. Dude, NF to search and then play the... He's more underground than you. Play the video. We can't play it. This guy just gave Bobby his CD in Times Square. I'm telling you right now.

He's like he told me that he's on the cover. We get demonized every time we do something. Okay, don't do it, but just... It's fucking... He is really good, dude. no that's not good wait a minute I mean no disrespect

give him a shot man I already can hear it I'm not I'm not saying he's not a good artist but that's not I'll tell you right now yeah it's not Bobby this is gonna become a problem

Bobby don't do it alright I won't do it Danny you fucking I never heard I'll check him out later check him out the search and you'll be like oh this guy's good

he's really good is that is hip hop better now or back in the 90s 350 million yeah white people like white people like to what the fuck is it racist for it's one million percent about race white people it's actually white rappers more three million 15 percent about sorry bobby kelly's not listening to n le chopper i know who chopper is there you go that's a different job you're thinking

of west coast chopper oh yeah those guys are great they broke up the father and son don't get along really no tv they get they hate each orange money money and fame will break it all up baby it really will. It will fuck it every time. Isn't it weird that people that you know and then they get money and then you can see it. You see it. Bob, you got on the same. I've been in this game since I was 19 years old, right? I watched

tons of rappers come from nothing and then make it. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? And then they get the tax bill. Bro, those ones go to jail. Seif, what about Tom McDonald? I don't know Tom McDonald. He's the one that did the video with Roseanne,

the Tom Arnold? You're talking about Tom Arnold? No, Tom McDonald He's a rapper That's like super conservative And did a music video with Roseanne No

He's an independent guy You're trying to find all the fringe Yeah they have those maggot rappers now I pay attention to the regular Rappers who do real hip-hop shit Not these that Well there's that one guy that raps about Trump What the fuck

There is that one guy That's him First of all, all rappers used to rap about Trump, first of all. No, but, yeah, right. First of all. But in a good way. In a good way. In a good way, Trump was, in hip-hop, the word Trump symbolized money, fame, gold. Yep.

Like, every, there's a song called Black Trump. Like, this Trump used to party. Oh, no. I met Trump. He used to party at hip-hop clubs. He'd go to the clubs late at night. Can I tell you where I met Trump? Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, this is great. 1990. Hang on, let me get in the clip. Hey, tell me where you met Trump. I met Trump in 1998 at the Tunnel Nightclub. Brian, you asked too. So we're all getting the clip. That's crazy.

You met Trump? Can you tell me the story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, go. Donald? You got it. 1989, the Tunnel Nightclub. Yeah.

I used to DJ there every Sunday. I was the opener for Funkmaster Flex. Are you trying to make her fucking swoon over there? Is that why you're going to interrupt here? Are we talking about Donald or Barron? Huh? Are we talking about Donald or Barron? No, Donald Trump.

Donald J. Trump. You met Donald Trump, Jr. I met Donald Trump. Senior. Is he senior? Yeah, he's, no, no, no, he's not. No, he's not. No, he's not.

Because the father was senior, right? Yes. Was the father named Donald? No, father wasn't named Donald. He wasn't Donald. It was like Fred Trump or something. Adolf. Adolf.

Wow. Wow, you really want to be famous. So, 1998, he comes into the tunnel nightclub with Charles Oakley. Is that the name? Yeah, Nick. New York, next. Charles Oakley. Mike Tyson.

Puff Daddy Wow Donald Trump All four of them I don't know why You know why Where he was there Full-length white mint coats

What And they came They either came from a party Or they were on their way To a freak off Oh was a white coat They came by the tunnel No shit

All the coats were still white So they didn't go to the freak off Not yet No And they came to the tunnel And like Eh real people went Crazy for Donald Trump

Yeah crazy They still listen he was a Democrat fucking people loved Donald Trump for years They just they hated him When he ran Republican And then he's just out of his mind

It would just say shit that President's street Yeah but the hood The hood went against him the first time he ran Why? Because he was riling up races If you want to just say what they would say He was ralling up all the races guys And saying all this crazy shit to get the vote or whatever

Second time around The hood went back to Trump. Of course they did, because he's cool as shit. They went back. Yeah. They went back and drove. Yeah, they went back, bro. Yeah, of course they did, because they went with that old white guy. They went, ha, you know, and they found out Trump is actually did more for the black people than... I don't know if that's 100% true. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you say it. It's 100% true.

I don't know. Say it in this clip. This clip has to go viral. But they went back, though. Yeah, they went back. The hood was like, no, I don't know me. I'm going to vote for Donnie T. He's everything they want to need. He's got a building. He's got all gold.

Whatever, every rapper does what Trump does. Facts. Fax is facts. Why am I getting fucking gangplag. Facts is facts, home? Oh, you just say facts. Just one time. Facts.

Yeah, facts. There you go. Significant. You've got to ruin it. Yeah, Trump was the shit, man. Trump was the shit. I think he still is. I think the first time he ran somebody calculated how many.

many songs had the word trump and hip hop songs. How many? I don't remember the number, but it was in the thousands. Thousands. Wow. Who's the new version of that? Jim Kramer? No, Mr. Wonderful. Now there's black people that

you can shout out. Now there's black billionaires. Kanye? Yeah, but he's a rapper. Yeah, but he's a billionaire first. Can I say something? Didn't they turn on him the hip-hop community because he went fucking nuts for a minute? some yeah some did some don't care but he's back now didn't he just apologize to everybody

he's not he's not fully back I don't think the rap community cared that much about him talking shit on the Jews I think I think the blogs some of them didn't like it I don't think the rap community was too concerned with it they were indifferent here's when the black community turned

when he made that song about sucking his cousin off oh yeah wow Dave Bluntz wrote that I love that guy he's so funny how did how did hip hop become gay wait what become gay yeah you would love dave blunts by the way

everything's more gay now but it seems like there's so many everything like P did he did some gay shit you got the all these little gnazzex I mean a guy fuck your wife

no he did more dude he would make her we had we had the punisher who was hired you did oh you had the punitive we had him on the bonfire

and he's what he's the man but here's how fucking what I am. I thought we were getting the Punisher from Netflix, Marvel. I had all my questions prepared for that guy. This guy walks in with a big hog. I'm like, yeah, just show me you dick.

He was a sweet guy, but he said that he would have to have come on her and she would take it and bring it to it. Oh. I mean, dude, that's the gayest of gays. He said no homo first. Or

in the black community, sorry, pause. Pause is the black. I had to talk bad about Puff. He's one of my heroes. What? Puff Daddy. He's your hero. One of them.

Hey, did you hear that? Nothing about the music. Are you all right? Is she here against their will? You sit there and shut your face. Did you ever meet him? Many times. You don't understand.

Can I say something about the... You don't understand. How's my boy? Saifa is one of the biggest guys in hip hop. No. Dude, fuck you. Yeah, that is a funny conversation. biggest guy. I was around all the big of the biggest. He discovered Rihanna.

Yeah, dude. He, the sci-fah has discovered Rihanna. He was on the biggest show, hip-up show in the world. Oh, my God. Bobby's giving me praise. He can't take it. He was one of the biggest, you know, he's not only a fucking great stand-up. He's, he, he, he, he spliced off into stand-up and started doing this, but he would, he left. Just a hard worker, man. He left golden handcuffs, bro. Yeah. I mean, they fired him, but the thing is. I had Stockholm syndrome

at Hot 97. I'm trying to find a picture of Puff. I can't find it. Yeah, I had Stockholm syndrome for a long time. I should have left way earlier. Why, though? Because I ran the course. I went as far as I could go unless I wanted to stay there forever.

A lot of people end up to... Listen, a lot of people blow up on New York radio. You only have a certain amount of time and then you got to leave and you go be the man in Charlotte or the man in Philly. I don't want to, oh, really? No, no, no, no.

That was true years ago. Back in the day, yeah. But if you had stayed, you would have got a YouTube show, you would have got, you would have had social media. Yeah, but I was in the breakfast club. Look at how big that. Yeah, but I wasn't loving the music. The breakfast club wants to be famous for the talk part, not the music.

I loved the music. When I started not loving the music, I was like, I got to get out of here because I'm just doing it for the check, and I don't like that. You don't like the big check. I don't love a big check where I live in my fancy New York City apartment. Yeah, well, who does? I rather who live in shit suburbs. Yeah, all of us feel the same way.

Yeah, I know. But no, I didn't like the music anymore. What was the era you tapped out? 6-9? What? 6-9 era? What do you mean, the rapper? Yeah.

Right before that. Like, I left, I quit 2015. Really? And I was checked out even, like, two or three years before that. You couldn't play, like, the fucking stuff you liked, though? Or was it kind of, like, pop hip-hip? I'm not hit. High Nightsever is all about new and young. Really?

And it was like, what was it like just eating like? Yeah, it was just disposable hip hop. Not all of it. There's some good stuff. But a lot of it was just like, I'm not feeling this like I used to. Will you, let me ask you a question, though. Yeah. Were you pretending to like it because you had to?

Like, when these people were rolling through, where you're like, yeah, man, that's a great track. No, that's why. I love your different color hair. That's why my bosses had to have a chat with me. They're like, hey, you're fading out when the people. are talking about and I'm like this shit sucks and they're like yeah well you got to play the game

and I'm like I don't do I have to I don't like this game wow were you getting up early in the morning doing like I would listen to I was really big into hip hop in the late 90s and for like a couple years I would listen to it on the radio but they would get like at like 7 a.m they're going crazy that was you yeah I had to go to work at I had to be at work at 530 that sucks every day that sucks

it was rough I remember going into opi and anthony and jim had to do that for years yeah yeah jim did it forever yeah before these cushy 3 p.m. serious xm. oh dude five it's even better than that i gotta i do five uh three days a week oh my god and it is 5 p.m. 5 to 7 that's crazy it's the best hours monday come in before the traffic we leave after the traffic i mean we get no guests i think because they're all done yeah we get But I had to beg Barry Manil to come in. I said, really? Yeah, I go, just go on the hallway and have him come in.

And he came in, and I just had 19 questions for him. He was like, hey, I heard you wanted to say hi. I was like, I'm a Barry. On the play that you're doing on Broadway, that must be hard to write stuff like that. He came in. I just had questions. Yeah, we get nobody. Didn't you fart and walk him?

Was that him? I did fart and walk Barry Manelor, yes. I was nervous, and I was at that point eating a lot of protein that was after my stomach surgery. And I was just eating all protein, and I, I tuned and they're like, I got to go, whoa, man. I used to love working that serious, though. I worked there for, I was on M&M's channel.

Yeah. I used to get the best guests, man. They were fun. Yeah. I met Chris Hansen was a big one. Remember Chris Hansen? Chris Hansen was great. Well, Chris, we had him booked.

It wasn't that he was just walking the halls. We had him booked. And this was when Catch a Predator was like the hottest shit ever. And we had Chris Hansen. And he came up the elevator and all the girls, you know how Sirius has those two levels? Yeah. All the girls were on top looking down at Chris Hanson.

I was like, holy shit, we booked a superstar. Yeah. But one time I saw Peter Falk walk by. Love Peter Falk. I lost it. I love Columbo. You don't love Columbo? What do you know, Jay?

I don't even know what the fuck Colombo is. You don't know Colombo? You don't know any. What do you? I know Napoleon and I know the... I'm not trying to gang up on you. I don't know Peter Parker. Can I stop Canada, right?

Colombo? Are you from Canada, right? It's a TV show from the 70s. I know Colombo. Are you from Canada? Yeah. You're Canada. Yeah, they have like three shows.

No, but they watch our show. Yeah, I watch their shows. I just don't know Colombo. They didn't have Colombo. So what happened? It's a huge show, but Peter, I don't know if Peter Fox's that big. So what happened? When you guys met this star, what happened?

You're acting like Cypher at the end of his career. We had Chris Hanson on. He came on the bonfire recently. Yeah, I heard. And nobody. No, it was in a stack of people in the hallway. No, not because it was hot at the time. But everyone's doing that now.

He's not even the top ten pedophile hunters right now. No, but he's the OG. He's the OG. I love you. Don't know the top 10 pedophile hunters. It's half of YouTube. You can't get away from it. No, it's not.

No, but those guys are... You know that I'm... I hate to say this. Those pedophile hunters are fucking assholes. They are. Hang on a second. Chris Hanson was classy about it, bro. We have another clip.

What did you say about it? Pedophile hunters? They're assholes. Those pedophile hunters are YouTube fucking assholes. Ruining people's lives. I'm saying. Chris Hansen did it with class and demure.

Demure. There is something to do that, though. He came in very politely. Hello. These guys are fucking kicking him kicking him in the ass as they walk away. Oh, these guys, they pedophile, they come in and put a beehive on the guys on.

But Talley did that. He would, like, soaked them in glue and throw... I mean, they're right, you're right, but also, like, this is... Yeah, but they're not even trying to get them arrested. They're just trying to beat them up. Well, there are certain people that are just like, yeah, it's a life hack to torture a guy. Yeah, it's like they're trolling. Nobody will get mad at you, right?

You'll have the... Nobody will get mad, yeah. What if they're fucking psychos? Well, there's some psychos that become, you know, interrogators. They're like, yeah, it's a terrorist. What am I supposed to do, you know? You're right. If you say there's a job where you get to torture people, uh, low and behold, it attracts the

Brian, that's not their job. They created the job to torture. Chris Hansen created the job. They enhanced it. Yeah, but he was polite. He said, have a seat. Well, they thought that maybe it shouldn't be polite. Finish your Zima, if you want to.

Are these condoms? Magnum. Impressive. Anyways, you had like a conversation with the guy. And then he would always go, you want some food? You're free to go. And he's like, I love the guys who would go, are the cops outside? Maybe.

Oh, but the cops were outside, though, right? Oh, you never seen it? Okay, always. No, I never saw it. What do you know? I used to, like, sports and poker? Only poker. I love poker.

Oh, my God. I watched, I watched poker last night. On TV. I watched on YouTube, Poker Go, they streamed a 200-400-no-limit game that turned into 500-1,000. He watches TV, but he goons a lot. Yeah, I know. He was telling me the other night.

You were telling him the other night, just you know I jack off. Yeah, I was sitting alone at the stand, so I didn't want it. I was like, yo, man, I beat off. Yeah, you ever jerk off? chicken, I'm sick. I still don't get it. How you can masturbate for hours. Oh, I don't do that anymore. That was old

me. Oh, I'm sorry. There's a new you. What's funny is, after the last time JJ came on, I do Bobby's Twitter, the next day Bobby started following some gooning accounts. You told me you spoke to your wife. What is? I'm sorry. Or you didn't tell your wife. No, I don't tell my wife I met you.

Can I be slightly ignorant? Because goon in my world means something different. What is What is exactly gooning? Goonin is, like, someone who, like, is a long-distance masturbator. He basically jack off for four hours. Long distance? Well, four hours.

You mean long periods of time? Yeah, well. Yeah, it doesn't run down the street with Nike zone jerking off. Yeah, that's not like long-distance? I just did 10 miles of gooning. That would be oppressive. A marathon of gooning. Keep hard for 10 miles.

So they just jerk off for a long time? Long time. Okay. And that's what you were. or are was but i'm kind of associated with him now around you're around a lot of other goons yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like a dog like yeah yeah like if you have in trouble with the popular terminology bring your goons up you could do that with him too if you have trouble with somebody you'd be like i'm gonna bring this gooner over you just jerks off in their apartment for four

me by seventy five dollars or these guys get a jerk off in front you for four hours you know my goons showing up And somebody like, yo, I'm going to get my goons. Like, what kind of goons? Sure with coconut oil. And what is the point of gooning? Oh, well, it's a meditative state. What is it?

I don't forget it. I don't know. No, I ask the questions. You got to learn. Like, are you doing it? He used to interview Eminem. Now he's into a Canadian gooner. And how long do you jack off for?

So is it like, if you're about to complete, you're about to finish it and then you stop? No, that's edging. Two different things. So how do you- I'm sorry. Fucking stupid dying. How do you not, like, how do you make it not or whatever? Well, you can edge within like 10 minutes if you want.

How do you do it for so long without? Well, there can be, you switch hands? Well, no, there can be a component of edging in gooning. Okay. But there is no component. of gooning and edging. Oh, shit. It's sort of like rap is part of hip hop.

Yeah, but not all hip hop is rap. Okay. That's all you have to say, Ryan. I got it. But yeah, there's a, hey, there's a corner on the internet. These people like it. Who, like, wait, who likes what? The gooners, like the gooners.

Gooners, like to watch other gooners? Well, in some circles. Do you like the movie of the goonies? Is that their thing? Yeah. Yeah? No, it's about that because you look like sloth while you're doing. is there a certain face you have when you goon i don't know i don't look at myself

so you weren't a recording gooner no you don't go to the game tape you don't go to try to improve your gooning no where you jerk off for four hours record it watch it as you jerk off for four hours and that makes you jerk off again goonception you've never gooned i mean i'm yeah i can't imagine that it takes me if you If you're drunk enough, I could see me be in it. Coke, Coke days. Can't find the video. Maybe I could see myself in there for 20 tops.

Goonception. That was a good one. Goonception. Sorry, I left you hang in there for a while. I want masturbation over as fast as it can be done. I'm at the age. I'm 55. Well, yeah.

Teachers are going to catch you. I want it. They don't catch you. I have a special van. I want it done. Yeah, mine has to be fast or I'll lose it. I'm old Yeah, I'm old too, dude

I need it fast I used to be young I actually have the tissue I have the stuff next to me to get it cleaned up as quick as possible I just like

I have like one I do one wrap of toilet paper like a little ring and then I put another ring and then I have a little baby wipe ready to go in the bathroom

so I'm like phone skip skip skip skip skip I type in you know hostage you know you know Does your wife ever knocked down the door?

Like, was she ever? Oh, no, dude. I have, my wife doesn't know this. I have her on my phone, so I know where she is. So you can jerk off? That's brilliant. I know, I know she's at DeChicos. I could see her coffee.

She's out of the house. She's seeing this car. She almost caught me, this is fucked up. She almost caught me a month ago. She's like, I'm, I got to go out. I'll be back in a little bit. And I followed her phone and she went down the street. And I was like, fucking perfect.

I went in. but then the phone didn't update on the car she forgot her fucking purse she came back but the how oh if you're gonna jerk off and you're a fucking old man have a dog because that dog as soon as they perk up and they run to the front door i was like oh shit she's so i pulled everything up i hit everything out of the fucking blanket i fucking deleted my history so you didn't get fucking uh you know can you not just fuck her who my wife yeah no really he's he doesn't know he doesn't have girlfriends he doesn't it's a lot of that's more trouble what happens when you get married is that

I've known her for 30 years we've been married for 18 years we have a son it has to be like talked about we has to be really yeah you kind of be like all right listen we're going away so like what would happen like you're like reading the paper and they're like oh

it seems like the shutdown's going to end do you want to fuck no if I said I want to fuck I'll be her you'll be me ready go ahead God I'm so fat what the fuck you look fine you're a guess i'm staying in character you look fine you're fine are you going to keep doing i'm still in character

i'm sorry i was just having fun i know who's good but i'm still in you're in god you suck at acting action i can't act Ryan will you please do it and i'm uh the wife right no you're bobby killy i'm you And if you don't go, you're so fat again. You're not fucking again. Go ahead.

God damn it, I'd like to fuck that thing tonight. What thing? I was just thinking me and maybe me and you could hit the, you know, maybe. Okay. All right. Do you want me to call a prostitute? Is that what you'd prefer? What?

I don't want to hit you again, but I will. You're going to hit me. It's happened, yeah Okay, take your shot, kid Okay I'm planning to putting you in a figure four Leglock Choice is yours

I'm gonna count it down Right If you can get to sucking You have about three seconds Three two one Do you want rice peel off tonight A regular like Jasmine rice God damn you're so fat

So she's just matter of like You have a kid There's not that You know what I mean There's just you got to schedule it That's all Like you know Valentine's Day

We got a babysitter and we had sex. And it was good, it's fine. You know, we had sex, but you don't know about menopause. Oh. That's when their pussies die. We have a buddy who did bits on stage. Remember him?

I don't want to say his name in Toronto. And he used to say, oh, my girlfriend doesn't suck my dick anymore. We don't have sex. He was the only comedian in the world that has that bit. Yeah. What? We knew a guy back in the day. Your wife is not doing stuff anymore.

Yeah, but it's... He invented that bit, yeah. Take her wife. my wife, please. No, the one guy said they never hooked up ever anymore. He goes, yeah, same-sex marriage. I've been having the same sex. Oh, Tom, me, I slapped the dick out of your mouth.

Whoa. We've been telling JJ Street jokes from 1940. How old are you on stage? Forty-five. Forty-five. I mean, you're up there, and you have no girlfriend. You have a girlfriend now? I'm on Seeking Arrangement, trying to have one get serious. Yeah, see, I don't know.

It's an app? Yeah. Well, you don't know what's a seeking arrangement? No It's like Us neither Guys I don't know I heard about it

I heard about it It's like girls looking For sugar daddies and shit Like girls won't want you to pay and shit But isn't that a prostitute Yeah Why you just get a prostitute You can leave in a half hour

Actually three minutes Less guilty prostitute I think Yeah less guilty is pretty good More girlfriend There's a thing now girlfriend Experience GFE You know girlfriend experience He knows all the acrony

He doesn't know one hip hop person But he knows all the fucking dirty action GFE GFE is a rapper from Memphis Oh GFE, PSE, but they're like acrony. So what's P-S-E? A porn star experience.

That's the get-in and just hardcore fuck. Wow. Yeah, I can't get it. I'm an addict. I can't get into that stuff. I don't know. If my wife, you know what I used to love, which I wish I could do now, but I don't, is the massage baller was my favorite.

Where in the city? Oh, yeah. There used to be one of upstairs, you know, the village underground? Upstairs, there used to be a Burger King next door and then the McDonald's. And upstairs was Taekwondo. And if you went up And took a Taekwondo That's at 12 o'clock

So you would do a set and run over? I would do a set And in between sets I would go over there And you go upstairs And back in the day Before the internet All the girls would be dressed

In evening gowns Like, you know, like sequence In the lobby? No, you'd walk in You'd walk in And they'd one time I looked into the room Where they were all hanging And they were just cooking fish

In a fucking like a fry pot It was kind of But in sequence dresses, it was weird. And they would all come out and line up and you'd pick the girl you wanted to be with and you'd go in the room and you could do whatever you wanted. Do you ever pick the ugly girl just because you felt bad a little bit? I did. I did.

I was at one in San Francisco. It was the greatest fucking massage pile ever. It was outside of Berkeley. And you go up and there was this big dragon door. It was like custom. It was this wooden, it was like crazy. It was like a kung fu movie. And you knocked on it.

They all talk and this door Open like this door opens like this both doors And there's just a row of women all in dresses And they and you went and you kind of go from this side to that side And I went all these Asian women in dresses beautiful And then it was just a smoking hot white chick with blonde hair Barbie doll And I just went her And they're like don't down gondon

Every guy that comes in just goes her the dong dong hold on I just got all mad yeah dude back of the day and then what you would have sex or just a happy ending well there's all you can do whatever you want I never had sex because I didn't want it sex

but you would do slide you've had a slide you've had a body slides are great where they oil up yeah oil you up I got one of those in Canada the best one I ever got did you feel weird like kind of oily doing your next set no I didn't do it I did it after my dad I one time we were in the car I ordered a prostate

and I would sometimes go Because he yelled at me Don't order, remember in Toronto? You're like, don't order a prostitute in my car. We're going to vape on the lake on a Monday. I'd say the same thing. What were you doing? I was ordering a prostitute.

Calling? Yeah, I was calling. I was like, can we meet at... Because we were going to vape on the lake, which I think was nine, and I was like, can we meet at 10.15? In the morning? No, is that night.

Oh, I was going to say. How do you order them? I'm so ignorant to this world. Do I order them? Yeah, me too. Well, now everything is text But how do you find it? Well, back then, you used to go on back pages

How about back now? Back now, you go on trist.com. Trist? Yeah, T-R-Y-S-T dot com. What percentage of it's scammers? I would say always probably like something like that, 20. I would be careful. The 20 seems low.

Back in the day, you used to have to do the village voice or the back page. Back pages, Craigslist. L.A. Weekly. And you'd go to the back. And it would be all prostitutes. And then you had to just roll the dice when you showed up at some motel. Oh, yeah.

That, you know, some, hey, man, some guy would just open the door. Hey, what's up? You're like, all right, fuck it. You never got nervous about the cops. Dude, I got, in L.A., I went. I went in the room. And they're very, they're very, very technical. It's very, okay.

It's sexy on the phone. And then you get there. Sterile. It's very sterile. Sterell. That's the word. And it's like, okay, I can't touch you. you, you can't touch me, we can both be naked

and blah, blah, blah, and you can... L.A. was the worst. Wait, what is that? L.A.? L.A. was the worst. They mean you can't touch them. New York was the best. New York had ones. They had one on the upper side. This is it talking about massages. Yeah. Like, you'd go in and you'd hold up... Everybody had had to hold the paper up over your face.

And that was the rule. You had to have... Everybody had they handed a newspaper? A newspaper over your face. And then they go number three. And you go up to the front. Wait, this is so the other guys don't see you? So the other guys don't see you. Come on. So you're all? So you're on the waiting room?

So you're all in the newspaper. It looks like the 1920s. We're all just sitting there waiting for the stock market to collapse. And then they call your number. You go to the front and you go into a hallway and they came out one by one. You know, hey, I'm Samantha. Hey, I'm Mercedes. And you pick the one you want.

You go in the room. Then you would negotiate what you wanted to do and everything costs more money, right? Yeah. It starts at a base rate of like 100 or something. Yeah. And then, you know, and then in the room you would negotiate what you wanted to do. But that was so tax. to me and so you know what I mean the negotiation part was fucked up I went with

Keith Robinson won and you know I paid $200 he paid 63 bucks and 50 cents black dudes could just he annoyed the shit out of yeah I got I got him pay so much I got 63 bucks and 52 cents you want it or not I got it you can have it there for me it's like it's you have to be shameless to get the deal you got to be shameless and I was just like I just want to give you what you want but the massage parlor it, when it switched over, was the best because you go in and you get a massage. Right, so already you're feeling good.

You get a 45-minute, holy shit massage. Yeah. And then they go, okay, roll over. And then when you roll over, then they start doing the butterflies, and then they go near your stomach, and then they start touching your stuff from, and then you're like, oh, ha.

So it's like, you know, touchy, touchy, oh, ha. And then they go, okay, roll over, and then they... Then the guy comes in. That happened to me? The closer. That happened to me. I swear to God I did one And I'm 25 minutes in the massage

I looked down I just see Old Chinese guy feet in women's flip flops And I looked up and I went What the fuck? He goes, we were busy So he just Fuck out of him He goes, we're busy I was like I can't do this

But some of the places now are legit They'll just give you a massage But the trick is If you go into these places Just go Two hours just legs And then by an hour 20, they're like, I'm just going to jerk this guy off. Bobby, next time we have JJ on, we should call a prostitute to the studio and just have them on the podcast.

Have him give like a clinic of how to talk to them? Yeah. I could never do it, but I always just wanted to know how to do it. Well, isn't there one right around the corner? Isn't there this girl that was in Dubai and this girl outside of this party I came out? The club was actually in a hotel and I come outside. She goes, hey, we got the party? I go, yeah, what's up?

What's going on? And she goes, oh, do you have a room in this hotel? And then I figured out what it was. And I get bashful. I was like, no, I don't have a room here. I never got bashful. I can't do it. I was in Vegas, and the girl followed.

Yeah, they're on the floor. They're on the floor. She followed me to the elevator. She goes, I go, where are you going? She goes, where you're going? I go, I only got $50. She goes, fine. Really?

Why? Okay, I know we got to go. What is it about me that prostitutes never approach me. I go to Vegas all the time. I never get that. It's not. I'll tell you what it is.

It's not that common. I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. And it's, Patrice taught me this. Yeah. In Boston. I got my first prostitute because of Patrice. Yeah.

He taught me this. They don't go with black dudes. Puerto Rican? If you look, if you look ethnic, they don't fuck with you. Really? Are the Craigslist ads? They used to say. Yep.

They used to say. Well, why? Because you don't. Not all of them, but there would be... Because you guys would just leave. Yeah, bitch, go fuck yourself. So you said, I'm walking around a hotel in Vegas. Yep.

I'm just... They're not going to fuck with you. Wait, if I approach and make a deal, they will, you're saying, it's cold. They're going to come up to... They see him in Vegas all day. That's all day. All day. No, they walk towards the...

It happened to me where the link is now, what was Imperial Palace, walk to the elevator and two of them flanked one side and they're like, you look in a party and I didn't know this was when I was much younger I didn't know what it meant so he got up to the uh my floor and has the door open so they're like so it's 200 or whatever it was yeah yeah yeah no he told he actually bought an old black the story ends he brought up why I didn't have the money butrice called the a black hooker over yeah he's like yo come here you go with black dude she goes nah motherfucker I'm going on you you motherfuckers she goes she goes white dudes only she goes I look for a white

A white dude with a tie is perfect. They go, she was like, I, because white dudes, she goes, white dudes pay. They'll pay whatever it is. You just tell them what this and they'll go, okay, they don't negotiate. They're not going to tell you to go, fuck yourself. Yeah, hookers are racist as shit. Yeah. I get it.

I mean, yeah. You got that money. I remember my wife when she was my girlfriend right at the beginning. I was in Vegas playing the Harris for the first time. And it's like a week run. You have to, it's like 16 shows. It's death. And I already did it.

And then I was coming back to do it. my second time, so I said, why don't you come? We'll have a weekend together. So she flew out to Vegas, and she's late. Like, I got this suite. I begged the lady at the front desk. I have this girl coming, blah, blah, blah, blah. I lied.

I said, I'm going to ask her to marry me. You know, they gave me this fucking corner suite. It was so nice looking over the strip, and I'm waiting. She's late, and she's late. All of a sudden, she shows up, and she's like, ah, I go, sorry. I met this really nice guy on the play. I go, what? She goes, he gave me his card.

He said, he said, we could go over to the mirage at the circle bar, and we could hang out later. They're having a party there. I go, you fucking dumb, dumb. She's like, what? I go, that's a pimp, you fucking whore. I go, the circle bar is where all the pimps go with their whores, and that's what, and then she was like, how do you know?

I was like, I've heard. I've heard. I mean, you naive, fucking whore. I should have just let her go. She's naive, but she knows that it fucking gets your bullshit. She really does. How do you know? Oh, shit, got me.

I did that one time I was going to Vegas, and I trim my pubs really nice. And I, for some, I'm so comfortable with my wife. I was like, how do these look? How's it look? She goes, why are you fucking grooming your dick? You're going to Vegas for the weekend? I go, oh, yeah, I'm sorry. And she's cool with it?

No, I don't, I'm not, I don't, I was a piece of shit when we met. Yeah. And then I was a garbage, just garbage. And we had a falling out, like we had a thing where I got caught. And then since then I kind of got my shit together. You know what I mean? And then since we got married, it's just like, whatever. I mean, look, I'll take boob pics if you guys are sending them on fucking DM.

Robert Kelly Live on Instagram and everything else. I'll take a nice fucking hot, you know. That's not bad. That's fine. I think that's unacceptable. No. I get nothing. You get no poop

You get nothing My DM is full of rappers Trying to get deals Really It's I don't know what it is bro I don't put that energy out there I guess I get nothing I get the occasional

chick Who I mean Is right down my alley to Like a mom You know what I mean One tits bigger than the other You know what I mean That's right up my speed dude

I can send They send them you away Every once in a while I get a really nice girl That'll be like hey this is for you happy birthday or whatever that's nice oh i fucking that is so nice so nice i love it i get no

no girls on the road no girl approaches me you back in the day girls they say you was hot back in the day dude bobby kelly was it i remember i walked off wallberg type i walked off stage one night and chick was in the hallway she goes you was so funny i just started making out with her no i swear to god i just started to miss she just then we went and fucked in her house her apartment down in the east

village i've i've done comedy for 14 years, I don't think I've fucked anyone from my act. Because you're talking about gooning. I don't think so. My act is all about my wife and kid. Now, I ain't getting shit. Now, you had nothing. I'm just getting, the only one that...

I thought you were funny. Listen, I'm down at the hotel, down to Maria, if you want to come over and fucking stuff. My husband's going to be in the corner, but... I've had that. That was hot, too. Back of the day when I was hot, ooh, I had that. With the husband watching? Yeah. Oh, no, fuck that.

Why was that hot for you? I don't know, dude. Just seeing a creepy guy watching his fucking wife with her gorgeous dit. Yeah, that's my gym. Oh, that was... You make eye contact? I didn't make... No, but there was one point...

You had a newspaper? Where he moved... You were the Punisher. When he moved, he moved, I went, yo, yo, yo, chill. Yeah, they'll creep. Yeah, they creep. They creep. Yeah, yo, yo, chill.

Yeah, yeah. Next thing you know... And by the day, he means we. Next thing you know. Dude, some couples are just into that. They just, you know, they're just like they're spicing up their shit, you know? Oh, I get it and I don't live your life. The thing is, like, I hear other comics and other rappers and all the people talk about like,

oh, we was at this spot and this couple came up to me and that, I never get none of that. You don't because you don't put it out there. Well, how do you put it out there? Yeah, that's also another thing, yeah. I hope that's all that happens to you now after this podcast. I hope you just watch guys watching you fuck their wives is your thing next time you're on the show. I'm surprised to hear that, yeah. I know.

You dress pretty cool. cool you know back in the day I was fucking killing it I used to DJ right and uh my boys told me I DJ but when I used to DJ I used to go into a trance right like I was very focused on what I was doing I wanted to make sure I killed it and then I would wake up for my two hour trance and I look behind me and all my boys had girls partying bottles everything behind me and I got mad with I was like fuck man I'm like what the fuck why I'm the one DJing and y'all get all the girls and you know like I'm like I'm like in my mind. I'm like, you don't save me none or

hook me up, nothing. Save you. Whatever, just hook me up. What a fucking certs. My boy goes, my boy looked at me. His name is Dominican Drew. He's Dominican. He's Dominican. He goes, what the fuck are you talking about? I go, no, man. You got all these

girls. I'm over here. I bring you guys. You guys work for me. It's fucking bullshit. And he goes, that girl came up here to talk to you and you went like this to her. Yeah, you wonder why you get no You're shooting him off. He goes, you cursed at her and shoot her off because she was bothering.

I said, I did. I was like, move, move. I hope that's all you're getting your DMs now. This is what? Just middle-aged woman tits. You're killing it. No, no, no. To be honest, I would say, like, first of all, all of my analytics is 95% dudes, but even more so.

Probably around eight years ago, I probably was like just random DMs almost spook me. really well i'm just like it just doesn't lead to any good yeah yeah it doesn't never you know what's this guy and everything you even if anything you write is a screenshot oh yeah i'm stressed out on that level yeah i don't like screenshots yeah i'm fucked you know what i mean those come out listen who's that young comic uh james is it jamie wolf yeah yeah he will right huh he's awesome yeah i was in Vegas with him we were at the cellar danny just chatt he's awesome he's awesome but i know we were here when i had The cellar, right?

We were here at the cellar one night. This girl was fucking stalking him. Yeah. She was just surrounding it. Oh, I follow you on Instagram. And he was just like dismissing her. No, you give him grandma treatment. You go, oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm okay. Thanks. Appreciate it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Jesus, man. Not me. These women can damage really easily.

I loved a damaged chick back in the day when I was single. A wounded deer? Yeah, just a dead tooth. Dead black. Yeah, just a dead black tooth. tooth from getting hit from her dad. I don't take it. I don't care.

That is like an interesting seven is more appealing than a straight up a point. Boring 8.5. It's not even questionable. If I'm in a hard relationship for a long time, I'm not thinking, oh, I can't have sex with a 10. I'm thinking like seven would be six. Oh, I love a seven. 10s are the fucking fired.

Tens are the worst. Tens are the worst. Because they know they're at 10. They're so high maintenance. They could get somebody at any time. Yeah. You get a nice seven, seven and a half. Six is great. Six is great.

Six is good, too. I'll take a six. I always say it. I love a hot body and a goofy face. I want a fucking smoking body, and I want that mug on it. All right, guys, listen, we're going to wrap this up. What do you got? What do you got, Seif?

Listen, I'm a Vermont Comedy Club. Great club, dude. I love Vermont Comedy Club. Burlington, Vermont. Days after Thanksgiving, 28, 29. I got a big show in Toronto. Anybody from Toronto, December 18th? I'm at the Opera House.

I'm very excited about that show because Toronto's like a second home to me. So I'm going to be at the Opera House, December 18th. And then I'm at Levity Live and West Nyack, New York, Palisades Mall, the day after Christmas and that whole weekend. All right. Make sure you check them out. Punchup. com slash. Safe of sounds.

Dife of sounds. Go there and check it out. What do you got, bro? I go mostly with Ryan But on my own stuff I've got Probably not This one happened

Chicago This Chicago This is such an interesting This week Austin January 31st Tampa February 19 And then I go

Everywhere else Where Ryan goes And what's your punchup Punchup dot live I don't even know J.J. Lieberman Punchup dot live Punch up you guys are all on punchup

I love that I haven't done it yet You haven't done punch up I'm good Dude listen to me Punch up is the best bro I've been on my list of things

to do for a while I'm telling you right now. Punch up's great. You can just go on there and, like, send an email out to the fans in, like, Providence. Yeah. Just, it goes directly to them. You don't bug everybody else. And you can be, the analytics, you can be like, oh, I'm popular here.

I haven't been there. But people like me there. Also, you have that on every platform. No, you don't. I do. What do you mean? On your YouTube and stuff like that? Podcasts.

Can you send them an email? No. There you go. Yeah. There you go. No, I'm with you. I talk to the guy. I like the, I like the, what they're doing.

I'm going to do it. You can still do everything you do. There's no downside. It's just going to take me a day to move all my fucking dates. Yeah, it's all that is. But they'll do a for you, right? So then that's on the list for this week, then. All right, there you go. What are you got? But, yeah, podcast of the boys'

cast. But I'm going to be in Dallas-Fort Worth next weekend. Then Houston, Austin, Ottawa, Toronto. I'm also doing Queen Elizabeth, Toronto, Jacksonville, Miami, and the... I know. He's got the big one. Where are you? Opera house? No, Opera house is

6, bro. Opera house is... Yeah? No, 300. No. No, which opera house you're talking about? On the East End.

No, the one I'm doing is 300. I'm pretty sure. It's not... It can't be the way they do it for comedy, but the opera house, I'm 99% sure. No, we're thinking of two different... There's one opera house.

You know the opera house. So happy if it's not 300 people. If it's a 900, if it's a 900-C club, it's going to be so happy. No, it's not. The opera is about 300 people I was there with Dave It was 300

That's why I picked it Chappelle Chappelle did a 300 Yeah but he did like Six shows He was he was warming up for um Okay Opera house

Operts 950 Look at that 950 What do you No that's not it Is that it? Yeah That's sick

Come on you're gonna tell me What about my city? Dude No it can't be I'm gonna flop If it's 900 He was He was nervous

No Brian He was nervous About 300 He's got to fill that's not it is that it 900 maybe they curtained it off for your show curtain off we could do it all on stage

with the tickets sold down you're gonna it's a big ass place yeah you're gonna bring you DJ I thought it was 300 I think Coldplay played plant there you're gonna put down a fucking thousand Cedar

oh no I fucked up ah this place that's it that's the place yeah opera this one

yeah the fucking photo there's 500 people in that photo oh no you're fucked dude that's 950 sick venue hey guys Toronto call everyone

I thought it was a 300 oh I'm fucked no you were thinking of you know what you're thinking of comedy bar no not comedy bar he's thinking of that one movie theater place that's like the royals

the royal yeah oh 450 you're at the wrong you're at the Queens I got to move it The opera house is really nice, too. Yeah. It's going to be nice that night. Empty, nice and empty.

I fucked up. You should learn to sing opera. Maybe you'll get more people to come out. I've only got 80 tickets sold. Oh, my fucking God. I don't sell tickets, man. Buddy, you will. You're going to get tip picks and tickets.

Yeah. Not at the opera house. No, no. One day. You know what happened for me? Dude, I hope the front seats are all VIP and they're all sitting in the balcony. You got to take a photo. this gig. I'm going to call my manager.

You can call him right now. Oh, you actually stressed out. Fuck. I'm sorry, I told you. Danny, what are you got? Go ahead, Danny. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff, and I'm going to be co-headlining the Dojo Combe on November 29th. Joe, what do you got? I'll be at the Toronto Opera House.

Also, follow the cheese show on YouTube. Zach, what do you got? You sounded so disappointed when it came to be. You just follow me on Instagram. I'm not disappointed. Have some confidence, Zach. What do you got? You follow me on Instagram. at Zachary Unlimited, thanks. Do I follow you?

No. Follow it, man. How do you get all these guys? I need guys. I have guys. I have guys. How do you get these guys? Because what I do is I help guys.

I always help guys. And I bring them on the road. They become better comics and become good enough. They leave me for touring with Dave Chappelle and people like Ryan. And then I have to get another guy. Zach is the next guy. As soon as Danny and Joe become good, then Zach's the guy. Zach, you know another guy for me, a guy?

I actually do know some people. Zach, give me a couple guys. There's so many people. I have so many guys back in the day. Stop trying to fucking steal my guys, dude. There's so many guys in this village that would love to do it. All right. Go downstairs and look at the fucking look at the list.

No, not even at the, I'm not saying the cell. I'm saying like around the corner, all those young kids, they'll film it, they'll do it, they'll do everything. You know a bunch of guys? I know. No goons, though. No, I don't know if they're gooners or not. but I know guys. I love that he gets it seriously.

He is pretty good at getting guys. Yeah, he is. Let's talk. I need some guys. Yeah. Not the guys he gets. You could get like a young kid hungry, just wants to film,

wants to do his 20 minutes and then like probably. 20, relax. Doesn't want a lot of money for it. A lot of guys will go on the road and lose money. Wow, you'll never lose money with me. I just don't know how much you'll make. No, but that's what I'm saying. But guys are like cool with like breaking even or take it.

Can we have this conversation after? Sorry, I thought we're done. We're done, but I got to go to the picture. Go ahead, do the day. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We're going there now live with your questions. All the Patreon people get to ask questions. If you want to be part of asking questions to the people on the YKWD,

go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We're going there right now. You guys are the best fans in the world. We'll see you next time on, you know what, dude.