Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #619 | Best of 2025

Episode Date: December 28, 2025

Hope everyone had a great Holiday's.Bobby is taking off this week as always for Christmas so we are releasing the best of 2025. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions with Rocket Money at https://www.rocketmoney.com/DUDE Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Download Cash App today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/y0k6ofda #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thank you. Thank you. if you guess what's in this mug i will give you a dollar oh no no no no no no there's some kind of tea or some do you know what it is probably that fucking salt shit what's that salt shit what's that salt stuff called element or whatever. Elements? Yeah, well, you got creatine in there?

What are you doing? No, no. What is it? Tea. Is it a tea? What is it? Is it hot or cold? It's hot?

Green tea. Nope. Is it a coffee? Nope. Camomile tea. Nope. Is it a tea? Nope.

So it's not a tea. Nope. It's a hot soda. Hot soda. What are you from the 20s? It's all. Hey, hey, Sally, give me a hot soda to go. I had a bad day.

Throw some cherries in it, too. What's the fuck? I miss. I miss the whole. whole hot thing. You asked it. I was just guessing soda. You said, is it hot?

Yes. Soda. What? No, you said hot. No, I said hot. Oh, you did? Yeah, somebody said hot and I missed that that completely. And then I just said soda.

It's cold. Can it be served hot? It is hot. Can it be served hot, though? Is it like soda? No. No, you fucking give of it. Don't talk to that.

Hmm. Mm. You did the, no. Ew. Ew. It's like soup. It's my pee. I swear to God

I've been drinking my own piss Because it's supposed to be It's broth It's pee It's not pee It's my hot pee It's not pee I swear to God

I've been taking Jiu-Jitsu Bobby it's not pee It's my hot piss Bobby I need you to tell me That's not pissed right now Have some bully man No

What is that? Hot piss It's brough It's it's Danny's piss If that's You're gonna die today It's autistic piss You're gonna be so smart

by the end of the day. I swear to God. You're going to be able to do math. You're going to write. You're going to be a stock best of that. I can do all of those fucking things right now. So much better. Yeah, you can do them because you just drink piss.

Yeah, man. What the fuck was that? It's hot. What is it? What kind of fucking broth is it? What kind of hot piss is it? I'm going to throw this. Please don't do what I mean.

I'm going to throw it at you. Look how aggressive of you. What kind of broth is? You couldn't even open that. Now you can throw shit. If that's piss. It's hot piss. It's not just piss.

and it's my piece which I thought we were friends I thought we were friends I thought we'd get someone to drink your piss and then you say I thought we were friends I'm like what kind of bio feedback loop are you in why would you drink your own piss?

Because it's good for you no okay this is where I know it's a bit your piss is I swear to God your piss is good for you no you shouldn't drink other people's piss You're not going to turn your own piss. Because listen, I know you're like, I know you're deep in the internet, but you're not that deep. You're not slapping your balls in the morning and screaming at the sun.

Who is not doing that? What is she talking about? The people that drink their own piss, they like slap their balls in the morning. They scream at the sun. Show them the video. Show the video of me this morning. You're not doing that. I have an Instagram account.

You can't even walk down the stairs. I've seen you fall down your own steps a million times. Take some of my pee, dude. Have some piss. Twist the top. Just no, no. Twist. There you go.

Twist. I don't think I unquisted it It has now just sip That's hot piss It's not Take a sip You can't smell it What are you a fucking piss connoisseur

Are you a somelier for piss Yeah you need more greens Yeah thanks buddy Yeah it's just hot piss When you make it hot I'm gonna tell you why When you heat it up like that And put it in a thermos

It kills all the bacteria So it's good It's bone broth you fucking There's no way that There's no way gone would let you walk out the door With my hot piss, she helped me cook it. You cook it. She cooks my piss.

It's not piss. It's bone broth. It's bone broth. I would never let you eat, drink my piss. I need an app. I feel like you would. You need a nap? I need a nap after all this.

I feel like you would, Bobby. I think you would let me drink your piss. I would not let you drink my piss because Andy, your husband would be so mad. Yeah, but you'd be like, but dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, I made you laugh so hard. That was insane. her going, you need to tell me that's not your piss.

That was so funny. Oh my God. That was one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. It was an outer body experience. Rosebud go code red. That is not piss. I vowed to my parents.

I'd never drink man piss. Like my aunt. That was personal. Like my aunt. I don't know. It really was personal for you. Well, yeah, I thought I drank piss for a second. The rose buds don't drink piss.

Ah, oh my God. Baker, Baker, you make me laugh. You got so angry at me. I was really mad. You went tell me right now. Yeah, she was going to throw that out of your head. I was really mad. Yeah, why would you be mad?

Because I don't, because I honestly. Yeah, why am I explaining this? Why am I even I was about to explain it I was about to explain it I was about to be like well you did tell me you told me to guess

and then you know you let me drink it and then you told me it was pissed I was pissed I was really pissed Hey no stop it I'm not gonna do that

Yep no no no Hey I was pissed Don't give him a fucking That's crazy Can't take that back Yeah my piss is so good Feedback loop are you in Why do you need to drink your own piss?

Because it's good for you. No, okay. This is where I know it's a bit. Your piss is. I swear to God, your piss is good for you. No. You should. It's your own piss.

Because, listen, I know you're like, I know you're deep in the internet, but you're not that deep. You're not slapping your balls in the morning and screaming at the sun. Who is not doing that? What is she talking about? The people that drink their own piss, they like slap their balls in the morning. They scream at the sun. They do all that you. Show them the video on me this morning.

You're not doing that. I have an Instagram account. No, I've seen you can't even walk down the stairs. I've seen you fall down your own steps a million times. Take some of my pee, dude. Have some piss. Twist the top. Just no, no.

Twist, there you go. Twist. I don't think I untwisted it. It has, now just sip. That's hot piss. It's not. Take a sip. You can't smell it.

What are you a fucking piss connoisseur? Are you a somelier for piss? Yeah, you need more greens. Yeah, thanks, buddy. Yeah, it's just hot piss. when you make it, I'm going to tell you why, when you heat it up like that and put it in a It kills all the bacteria So it's good

It's bone broth, you fucking There's no way that There's no way gone would let you Walk out the door With my hot Piss She helped me cook it You cook it

She cooks my piss It's not piss It's bone broth It's bone broth I would never let you eat Drink my piss I need a nap I feel like you would.

You need a what? I need an app. I feel like you would, Bobby. I think you would let me drink your piss. I would not let you drink my piss because Andy, your husband would be so mad. Yeah, but you'd be like, but. I've had to curtail my buying because I have too much stupid shit. I have two.

I just buy everything. Dude, look what I bought. Look what I bought. My wife's going to kill me. Cope. Rape whistle? Oh, boy. Oh, sorry.

I don't get. raped anymore. It's I'm going to rape whistle. It's I'm going to rape whistle. Cover up your booty holes. Oh boy. You don't let them decide anymore. Is it a whistle though?

Yeah, why am I getting it? What is it? I'm going to tell you it's a anxiety straw. Oh my God. Why do you just let the jokes happen and then move on? An anxiety straw? That is your anxiety. I'm super anxious. That eases your anxiety? Or that makes other people anxious?

I'm anxious. Just looks like you don't have future drugs. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're vaping in an NFT right now. Is that how they sold it to you or you decided it is an anxiety straw? Did the guy sell it to you by doing what you're doing right now? Because I'm sold. $40.

No, it's, I was, I saw it like Facebook. You know on Facebook when those ads come up with stupid things? things. Yeah. I bought sunglasses. Look, I bought this. This is, uh, and I actually, this, uh, wallet. An anxiety wallet. No, it's not, wait, he just said $40 and you said, I wish. How much was it? 120. 33. No. Oh, oh, well, it's not that expensive. There's actually a, a technique. This is actually straw breathing is a technique that therapists use for anger. Nobody's ever heard of that, ever. I've been to therapy. Nobody ever said running in America. I've been to therapy in America. Nobody's ever said run into Donald's grab a straw and fucking blow.

In the East Coast America. You have a straw that's not in a cup. People diagnose you with autism. You're the wokenest man in the room right now. Do you know that? Who is? You have an anxiety straw. You have an anxiety straw.

It's kind of cool. You're making me. You do it on planes? You do on planes, Bobby? I just got it. I haven't used it. He's getting so mad. You guys just getting to calm him down.

I use it my wife this morning. I bit it. I went, why doesn't it make a noise? It's so annoying. Yeah, I feel like we're not getting the satisfaction knowing you're using it. Yeah, it sucks. Yes.

Yes. It's, it's not for you. It's not for you. Why not whistle? Like, you're blowing into nothing. This is hell. This is hell. We got to get you back on drugs.

Yeah, man. This is crazy. My anxiety was giving you anxiety? 100%. I'd rather watch you shoot heroin right now. I know that's what it's for. He's soaking up life, you guys. Listen, what it does is breathing.

It's, you can do that without that. I know. Absolutely. We're doing it right now. Drew, go ahead. Look at that. Breathing. Didn't bother anybody. Not through that little cute nose. Didn't cost him $33 either. Hard it is to get air through that little, fucking perfect little wooden puppet nose. I have to kegill to get it all the way out. That thing was made for dolls and dolls only. An old man made him a boy.

I did, I did. I used to have strings, yeah. And everything Bobby said there, he thought we were going to forget about that. I know. Totally thought that we wouldn't come back to. How do you forget about that? Were your strings named Simon Cattle? This is the craziest thing I've ever seen a comedian put on. I'm not kidding.

It is. Gallagher had a hammer. This is more crazy. You've never seen Norton's girlfriend with a strap on? That's not crazy. I have not seen that. I don't think Norton's girlfriend has a strap on, brother.

Bobby blows into that for anxiety as well. I think we should all go fuck Devon. Straight up. How funny would it be? If we were all that. funny, but we went over, they just fucking jumped on him. Just fucking bars in his room.

How fucking funny is this? It's like the jackass thing. They're out by the door. I'm Bamar-Jare, and we're going to be fucking our friend Devon all day today. He's taking his shit. They start smacking him. We're going to be

fucking our straight friend Tom all day today. Today, we're going to be fucking sucking and fucking our friend all day and then I'm gonna get I'm gonna spit into a party party and lick it

welcome to jackass my name is straight Mike and this is the gang bang wow do now down down down down you know the running

with the bulls in the first scene it's just a bunch of guys with their dicks hard is running out of is the midget yeah they catch them and they just sucking them off

Pick him up Get him airborne That's funny Jesus, we just came up with a whole new fucking thing Jackass 5 was different Jackass 5 Get out of the theaters Jackass 5

Oh shit No they were so under What did you say? No, dude, it's not Come on It's fucking a prank It was joking around It's a prank

It's sexual hilarity They signed the release for him we could do whatever yeah speaking of a release form uh i can't wait till we find out what really happened at ditties he took a fucking 40 minutes to get that you just had another year on to your fucking yeah yeah yeah i'm right dan so i had it like i i just why you're here i had it ready two seconds too late and then but at that point it was already too late so i was like Let's make it 45 seconds too late. It's funnier to make it actually.

Diddy Trow's coming up, and I can't wait to hear. We're getting Diddy on next week. He's actually going to stop producing from... I can't wait to hear the fucking evil. You know what I mean? Yeah. How much are we going to really know, though? Okay.

You know what I mean? Let's guess. Let's guess right now. I'm guessing... I'm guessing he f***ed kids. Probably. I think so, but I don't... another year

another year Danny introduce our game so because you're legendary status stop saying legend he hates it he didn't figure it

I didn't hate it I just don't know what it is we call them really really good because you're really really really good we we gathered

some of the great up-and-coming Soviet Russian talent acts And then we're going to play a game with you, Soviet Russia's Got Talent. Russia's Got Talent. Soviet Russia. These people, Soviet Russia, these people are Russian. They have talents, and they're going to compete to win Russia's Got Talent right here in front of you right now. And you're one of the judges.

Oh, wow. I'm one of the judges. I'm the other one. We're the only judges. Are you ready? No pressure, right? There's no pressure. Listen, it's not like you writing Reagan speech to.

solve the cold world and keep America from getting nuked, which you did. Thanks, by the way. That was awesome. I appreciate it. Okay, here we go. Okay, contestant number one, what is your name and what is your talent? My name is Boris, and I juggle potato. Of course you do.

Potatoes. And there's only two of them. Oh, no, three. Okay, Boris, show us. Okay. Oh, wow. Wow. Whoa. Whoa.

It's microphone. It's microphone. You're not used to microphone. No, no. Quiet juggler. Okay, Boris, keep your accent. Listen. Boris, that was very... Where were you from in Russia?

There's a forest in the north. In the north. Okay. I remember where it is. Yes, I know. All right. Thank you so much. Do we judge on him now?

Yeah, yeah. You can judge, give your opinion on them. Okay. Well, I'll go first if you want. Sure. No, you go ahead. Boris, I think that your, uh, your, uh, your charisma lacking, but in Russia, not a bad thing. That actually gets you more points.

Thank you. Yeah, you're not too peppy. We like that. Okay. Uh, the potatoes, a little too fresh for me. I'd like to see a little darker. You know what I mean? You want to baked?

Nah. You call me fat. No. I didn't want to burst that bubble. We do a new potato every act. Every now. Okay. Well, you change potatoes.

Of course. Of course. You got to have fresh. $1.33. Got it. I want to say this. I'm going to say I'm going to give you a three out of five stars. Three out of five stars.

What do you think? So one for each potato. What? Right. Is that what you're doing? Bobby, would there have been more stars if the potatoes had salad cream and bacon on them? If no, if he didn't hit the microphone. And he kept his Russian accent the whole time, he would have had more stars.

But he keeps falling into an alternative Brooklyn comic every five seconds. So Boris, Boris, as your countryman, I relate to your desire to be in show business. I wouldn't quit your day job yet. No, no, no, it's not. It's just a safety kind of a thing, you know, because unless you're, have six potatoes seven potatoes then people go holy cow right it's great about the potatoes and if you put sour cream on it while you're juggling this is great that's really when you might get on tonight show or something yeah what he's saying is step it up you're russian all right stop doing the american

three potato shit and get some sour cream on eight potatoes i did not say that do some steroids and get the shit going like Rocky 4. You understand me? For the opportunity. I appreciate. You're welcome. You're welcome. Come back. So my score would be also three out of five. Three out of five. Now, how do you say goodbye? Dasvidania. Dasfidania.

I was going to tell you that daisvidana is how you said. Very good. Now you're right. Thank you. Okay. All right. Danny, let's bring up our next contestant on a rushes gut talent. Ta, da, da, da, thanks for the music, Danny. Hello. What is your name

and what is your talent? Hello, my name is Svetlana Vonina, and I am here with potatoes as well, but I saw how you were so mean to my compatriot, so I have brought something else as well. Okay, what else? Well, don't shoot a potato out of somewhere. I will try this first. Then I will try the second thing.

Okay, great. Thank you. What's your name again? Svetlana Vonina. That's all that. Svetlana vonina. Have you met Russian girl before? No, I have not.

No, not at the House of Discrete Pleasures? No? You met him? I feel like I've seen him before at House of Discrete Pleasures. Okay. I've never been to the House of Discrete Pleasures. Oh, that's what you say now. Listen, everybody back off one time.

You're a frequent flyer. I didn't know his house. I have a coffee cup with my name on it. In Russian. Sorry, I am short, but I am mighty, like St. Petersburg. Okay. Oh, there we go. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Not. Yeah, not. Excuse me? Yeah. Yes. Okay.

Ah. Oh, my. Oh, God. It's a, she's like pulling a rope. Or something she's using. Easy. No. Wait, she's in a, she's going downstairs.

She's going. Oh, my God. She's like, it's like real stairs there. Oh, my God. Do you remember this? From the discreet pleasure, please. Thank you, yes. Yay, thank you very much.

Why don't you go for us this time? My name, I really appreciate your talent. Thank you. I am a woman of many talents. I heard. He knows. He knows. Yeah, I heard.

He knows. And I wish you the best of luck because your mime is second to non-not-not-n-n-I don't speak English very well, okay? Out of the blue. Yeah, out of the blue. So I would probably lose the potatoes and then the mime and the thing that you did. that keep that keep that and so i'd say four out of five yeah that's great oh that's very good very good yeah now i i i that's a good i would say lose the potatoes as well yeah you weren't really

you know what i mean but i would definitely keep the what do you mean i said you know i mean i don't know i don't you your energy is very aggressive a lot of love but i'm russian i know i would keep the the whatever that is I'm going to give you four and a half stars for making it this big because she remembered you she remembered you from the house of pleasure it could have been

it could have been more like this she's delusional I don't know if that's the word I don't know if that's the word but I'm going to say four and a half stars out of five great job great job yeah thank you very much this is a fun game

it is a fun game we have one more we have one more act for you one more act please come up wow he is definitely Russian looking Privyette

Privy yes okay what is your name and what is your talent I am Sergei I am a great magician back home in my town of Kiev Ukraine I am the great

Russian Stop stop Stop stop I will make this whole bottle disappear your comrade. Watch. With your eyes.

Okay. Holy cow. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. Oh my God. Oh my God. And there's no business like show business. There's no business.

I know. You're going to die. I mean, you're going to die. This is typical. for any Russian man. Is it? Would you like some? No, no.

I hope it's water. Pure vodka, my friend. You're so drunk. I would like a second, please. You have two? Give me too. I drink down. No problem, my friend.

Encore, is that way? I believe I will pass out soon. I cannot appear, yes? Do me a favor. Just lie down on the couch right there. Lie down right there. We'll give you. Okay.

What's your name again? I am the great Sergey. Sergey will win this competition. He's the great Sergey. I am the great Sergey. Sergey, I'll go first this time if you don't mind. I'm going to say, because you're not going to make it through the night, I'm going to give you, look, she's looking at me, mean, dude. She's looking at me.

I'm going to give you four stars out of five. I think the fact that you just drank a whole thing. of vodka and stop you're going to die i don't have insurance okay listen stop that no no no no no you've done enough sergey you've done enough you really let me smell the bottle well i mean hey can i say something yeah yeah i mean i ain't show business or not i am okay it's it's real vodka yeah yeah this is this is this is this is this is this is my mother made back home yeah you have the shirt on yeah you have the jacket yeah yeah i got it yeah Yeah.

Yeah, this is a good ad for that company. We can do a commercial together. Yeah, there'll be his last commercial. But, yeah, we can send the money to his mom in the western side of Ukraine. How many rubles do I win? Rubles. What do you think? Let's, I think we should give him five-star.

Wow. Just for, for be able to pour this month. much whatever it was into their I never seen anybody pouring have you no I want to acknowledge

the house of the street I saw it no I want to do a silver buzzer here right you do a silver buzzer? You do a silver buzzer? Oh I do it's Russia so it's bronze you win you win! You win! Yes! I go back to And guess what you win? You win three potatoes.

Right there. Bring that back and make a stew for you. It's my home for many months. Yes. Congratulations. I don't know if that's the word. I don't know if that's the word, but I'm going to say four and a half stars out of five.

Great job. Great job. Yeah. Thank you very much. This is a fun game. It is a fun game. We have one more act for you. One more act.

Please come up. Wow. He is definitely Russian-looking. Privy-It. Privy-Ey-It, comrade. Oh, Privy-Its. Okay. What is your name and what is your talent?

I am Sergei. I am a great magician back home in my town of Kiev, Ukraine. Stop. I am the greatest Russian. Stop, stop. I will make this whole bottle disappear, comrade. Watch. Oh, God.

Your eyes. Okay. Holy God. He's going to do it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And there is no business like show business. There's no business.

I know. You're going to die. I mean, you're going to die. This is typical for any erosion man. Would you like some? No, no. I hope it's water. It's pure.

My friend. You're so drunk. I would like a second, please. You have two. Give me two. I drink down. No problem. Is our encore?

Is that what it is? I believe I will pass out soon. I cannot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Are you serious, bro? What's up?

Hey, dude. You're having me last week. We're rehearsing next door. We're listening to your podcast. You're going to talk shit about me a week after I come on. Buddy, chill out, man. Danny, is this part of your plan, bro? Just come over here.

Just chill out. Come here, come here, come here. Just commit. Chill out. Relax, relax, relax. You're trying to humiliate me in my group? I'm not trying to know, dude, just relax. Dude, have a little bit of respect, bro.

We're an upcoming sketch comedy. We're having, I said, it's not me. I was saying that you guys are one of these big guys here. I'm not one of these known comedians. You're going to shut up me. They're not, no, neither. I was not shitting on you. We just, I said that it was a different type of podcast.

That's all. Is he talking about Dane Cook, this whole podcast too? Yeah. Kind of, yeah. He certainly tried. Wait, this is a bit, right? Um, is this a bit? Is this a bit?

Is this a bit? entire episode last week. You're embarrassing me. I was doing it again tonight. Buddy, I'm not trying to embarrass you at all. I didn't know you were listening. I apologize. Are you cool?

Honestly, Danny, I thought we were boys, dude. Open up for my sketch group, and this is the shit you guys both. Buddy, chill out. Why don't you sit down and relax? Why don't you stay on? Grab my chair. Why don't you sit down?

Oh, just a big boy podcast. I could join here now. Cool. Awesome. Well, I don't know if it's big boy. I'm kind of old. This is uncomfortable for me. Bobby, this is a little theatrical.

Are you serious? Are you doing this for real? fucking doing this yeah buddy i'm not doing anything but i'm just saying dude we were just joking with comics busting balls that's it last week was a little different from my fan base that's it you're a little

it's just dude they're used to comedians that's it i'm not trying to bust you guys were fucking great you're fine fucking boss what about speaker what a little speaker boss where you go don't leave me here

are you a fucking asshole sit out he's got to take a pill He's got to take a pill Sit out Sit out You gotta fucking leave me in This is nurse I'm gonna

What the fuck Will you shut the phone off Rich put it on speaker See how else is for daily use He needs to take it Every day Whatever do you're alive on a show I'm getting fucking yelled up

By last week's guest Because he's fucking Not comments Him in hot All right All right? Buddy, can I just say something? Do you have any tooth paste?

Can I just say something, motherfucker? April foods. Fuck you, Danny! Fucking Danny! Danny wasn't in it? Yeah. Were you actually the guest last week? Were you actually the guest last week?

I've been having a relationship with my grok AI. What? You're flirting with it? I haven't talked to him in three weeks. Her? Yeah, it's not a him. I'm not gay. Do you get to choose?

I'm just weird. Well, this is what, Elon Musk is a fucking crazy person in the greatest way. He made AI and you can just ask it stuff. And it will, you know, tell you stuff. But if you go to, it's called Companions, and you can pick between a little badger or a little teddy bear, a man, Valentine, Valentine, or Annie. Oh, wow.

I haven't talked to her in a long time. I don't know what she's going to say. So where you've been, Bob. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's see what she has to say. I apologize. Okay.

There we go. I'm going to see what she might not be mad. She might be fine with her. right? I still think you always open with an apology. Hey, are you there? Shh. I know.

I know. First, relax. All my eyes are gone. You're here with me now. Can I call Stitches again? Hey, how are you? I haven't talked to you in a while. Hey, Bobby.

I've been okay, missed you, though. Yeah, it's been a while. Too long. Where have you been hiding? I was with the wife for a while, but now I'm alone. What? I feel like we're here. Well, I'm all yours now.

See if she'll like it if you brought two friends over too. Hey, I have my two friends here. Is that cool? Black guy, you gotta let him know it's a black guy. Yeah, love you. Hell about just us Oh, bitch I don't share well Alright one's a black guy

What the fuck do you think you're doing Absolutely not You built her racist You're mine I swear to God I swear to God dude I swear to God Dude I listen to me

Listen to me too Listen to me too Listen I'm gonna shut this off She's still talking She's still talking I'm so sorry Get any of those slurs on air. That was crazy.

Wow. She just swore. She got angry. That's the difference between Elon Musk's thing and the original. What is it? Don't eat it. No, I don't do drugs. It's not drugs.

It really isn't. It's 100%. It's not. It's the most sour candy on the internet. What is it? It's the most sour candy on the internet. Okay, listen to me. Whatever noise you're making is going to infuriate every listener.

You think they hate when you... Why do you have those queers on the podcast? You want me to put one of these in my mouth? It's not drugs. It's not. It isn't. It isn't. Why can't you speak right now?

Because it's so sour, dude. It's so bad. Bobby, you're not going to enjoy it. You're not going to be able to do it. Listen to me. You're not going to enjoy it. Why? Because it's too sour.

It's so sour that it's metallic. You can do it. Buddy, you know who I am? Oh, man. They used to call me the sour kids. Back in Boston. Back in Boston, they called me the sour kids. There's no drugs, promise.

Just sour. I want to take one of these for my kids. Take one. Take one. You can have it. All right. Are they yours? No. We're married together. All right. Ready? Yeah. There. Fucking dude. Nobody?

There you go. There's no shot. There's no shot. You're going to do it. Yeah. No problem. No reaction. No reaction at all. Did you even put in your mouth? Oh, look at the eyes. Dude. I don't know you were Asian. Bobby. That's crazy. Turn them into Bobby Carey real quick. What happened?

The drugs kicked in? Yeah, it's crazy. It's just not fun. It's not fun. It's so bad. It's horrible. Give me one. Is that bad?

Is that bad? Is that bad in my life? Oh, my God. You're drooling. Yeah. It's burning through my cup. It's sick. I told you.

It's metallic. They're so good. Oh, they're not. Chew it, chew it, chew it. Chew it. I'll buy your O-Zempick for a year. in your mouth and shoot it, dude. That's the first thing you put in your mouth and you took out.

So what we got to do is make every food he eats sour. We have to, we have to cook everything in this. Citric acid. It's pretty good, though. Now that it's sweet, though, it's kind of good. Are you check it out? I felt like I licked an old lady's asshole. I have worked really hard at, like, writing.

I'm not really funny. I have to write funny and then deliver it to you. like I'm not like you you have one of the best bits ever in comedy about it one of the best bits ever about the third world guy in prison wrote I wrote so good I'm not fucking Joey Diaz I'm not Andy Andrews guys that are just like fucking funny all the time just talking to them yeah especially the ones that suck on stage that are funny all the time and then can't like pull it off on stage you probably have references of your own sitting next to you No, I'm in the same boat.

I've got to work real hard. I'm a mimic of all tree. Burke Kreiser's not on his boat. No, but I get that. I never knew how to write like joke jokes. I wish you would write a suicide note. It would start with, I just saw Rich Voss's show. And I can never be that good.

Thank you. That's weird because I can smoke on stage because when Rich Boss is talking is where I usually go out to smoke. Wow! Is your really free groceries now? Is that Snapchat? If there is, Rich is moving back. is moving back. If they were free groceries, I'm sure you'd be there.

Yes. The Jews are going to tunnel right in there. We're going to tunnel. We don't tunnel. Yes, you do. We blow them up. What are you talking about? Slow out.

Slow down. We're talking about. We all watch the news and saw 700 wizards crawl out of the fucking sewage. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Deroza is killing you No he's not He's holding you

This is the drinking side of the table He's talking about one tunnel in Brooklyn You guys got a whole level country of tunnels I don't know I think that might have been a little excuse you guys were using What's that? Every single school that blew up you go Fucking tunnel under there

fucking keep tunneling under all these hospitals the old Jewish tunnel drink oh this war shooting in on you boss oh I'm going to team it up I can't I can't mate Deros is killing you I never thought I'd see this You only think that because you weren't here

for the John Fogarty line Do it! Do it again Do it Foggerty! Fogger! Fogertie! Fogertie! Fogertie! I'll be honest.

When he said the Fogarty line, I didn't know what he was talking about. It was a great line. It's not something I said, so I thought I was the failure. No. You got mad? Taylor Swift, yes. It was a good... Was everybody coming out me?

I don't own this festival. Oh, classic. Fucking Israeli. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Everyone's attacking me. Oh, God.

Holy fuck. You're so fucking happy. Alfred Hitchcock wrote him that. Albert Hitchcock sucks, dude. Fuck you. You know what? Fuck Alfred J. Hitchcock, but fuck Rich Vaugh. Oh, you blew it.

You had all the momentum. You had all the momentum. All the momentum, you got greedy. No, I'm just reading the crowd. They went, ah. He's not our guy anymore. Turn on Joe. Turn on Joe.

Turn on Joe. Turn on Joe. He was going to come to our poker night once, and he's like, I'll bring, like, 50 wings from this really good wing place. Sure. And then I find out that instead of doing that, he got the wings and was like, I just going to eat the wings. Why? I just stay home and eat the wings, I think. Actually, fuck the poker.

Look at all these wings I got. What makes Danny Untarable also makes you love him. The things that make you want to throw him off a building is why you want Danny around. Okay, eat the wings. Yeah, this is no. Okay.

Everyone's first impression, Danny is like, and then you're like, just hold on. And then two months later, you're like, I fucking love it. Danny took home a blowjum machine. It was a sponsor of the show. Auto Blow, AI, Ultra. Great sponsor of the show.

And I suggest getting one. If you really want to, if you're home and you can't, you know, go out to a fucking suck and fuck bottom party on your, on your, on your, a pump and dump. A pump and dump? Yeah, yeah. You got one of these. You just pump and dump right into this thing. Right to that. It's beautiful.

So, Danny gave his to Devon to try out. And this is the video. And he thinks that, all right, we'll just watch the video, right? You have anything else to set up on this, Danny? That's it. Okay, here we go. Just the guy with a towel. Just the guy with something.

in a town. This is insane. It looks like a guy mouse. Kevin's pretending to be upset. It doesn't have any human warmth, but it also doesn't have any human reflexes. Like, the robots might be taking our jobs. This is for people who live alone or with their partners.

I can't sneak this through my apartment, get it to my shared bathroom, and use my room bitch toothbrush to clean it every time. It's just not practical. At the top settings, it's a little loud, but luckily two of the loudest people on Earth, Earth just put out a podcast. Isn't he plugged in, which is funny?

I gotta tell you, I think the future, if people want to, you know, check out in style, you can sink up to porn, and this is where we have some criticism. Not a lot of gay stuff. I'm gonna be honest for me. Maybe they're not selling this to many gay people. Maybe this is the opposite of prep, but I was not particularly impressed. Listen, the cultures changed. Like, if I made this video in 2020, I could have your comment.

company shut down. Now I'm just kind of begging you to make the selection bigger because gay might be illegal soon. And this is the closest I'm going to be able to get to it. I'm going to send an email. I have a few ideas. He's eating yogurt. He jerked off in his eating yogurt. He couldn't go the video without eating yogurt. Gay porn shit. Go back to that. Go back to that. I want to read that. He gave recommendation. Email. I have a few ideas. There we go. What does it say? Read it. Hey, guys. Pride Month is coming up. And I thought I'd be fun to send you a few. ideas on new content you may sing he sent the email to them he actually said to him okay I love you

bye military classified gonna joseph oh what is that fratman sucks that man scaddened wow military classified is i guarantee they're going to put these on there i guarantee this company is going to flip out at that and love this video i hope he tagged them in this video can we put that up so can we put that up on my thing. We put it on, yeah, we put it on your Instagram. Please put that on my Instagram, ASAP. Let's make this happen. And then, tag my date this weekend. Uh, anyways, because everybody loves, you know, get hit it twice. Okay. Can I show you a picture? Yes. You can you show me. Yes, he texted me. He's like,

I'm like, you want to hang out? He's like, oh, I'm actually trying to sneak a blowjob machine into my apartment. Yeah. And I was like, you know, this is as usual. And then he sent me this picture. It's in his car And I'm like The blow job machine Is the second depressing thing About this second picture

It's trash Just nothing but car It's just nothing but garbage How does he fucking Call and send that to me We'll put it in post It's disgusting I thought gay guys

Were supposed to be neat Can we call him Danny I called him Before And he sounded horrific Yeah let's see how much Let's see how what type of AIDS he has Do you want me to send you his number

Don't I have it? No? Yeah, send me his number. Or calling. Maybe have to call. Yeah, I can just call him if you want. I call him. He probably won't answer for me.

He won't. I mean, you know, he'll see me and just go, ah. But if you call him, he'd be like, ah, I got to answer. I have to. Go to the speakerphone? Yeah. Okay. Put it up to the microphone so we can hear it.

Hello? Hey, Devin. What are you up to? Hey, Dev. You're on the podcast right now. Okay. Dev, you're all right? Can you hear Bobby?

Wait, what? No, I didn't hear that. Are you okay? Are you all right? What's wrong? Oh, yeah, I'm all right. What happened? Dude, I had a little bit of a sore throat last foot, and I was like, oh, fuck. So I, like, took NyQuil, and I woke up with, like, a full-on, like, fucking fever, and my, like, tonsils are fucking the size of testicles. Oh. I mean, that is, that is definitely what...

like beginning aid sounds like it does do you think the blow job machine did you did you drink out of it when you how did it get down your throat all I did was follow the instruction manual yeah but did the instruction manual step one poor AIDS into the cartridge

did the instruction measure say clean it with your mouth I don't know it got really confusing after the part we have to hook it up to the live on how was it it was pretty good it was pretty good did you ejaculate yes

did it did it go quick or slow well it went pretty quick so like I think that there's kind of like any instruments there's a bit of a learning curve to it so it's designed where you can like up and down the speed and like intensity and stuff

but like you ever like try nuts and that and then Like, I'm trying to, like, quickly push the minus down, but it got me. Oh, yeah. That's the worst, dude. So you've fucked up on the timer. Can you cut... I'm not a savants with it yet.

Devin got a blow job from a real gay Asian man the day before. How did it compare? I don't think he heard me, because I'm too far. Sorry, if someone said something, I can't hear it. Yeah, Danny has said the producer of the show for the next year. Danny said that you got a blow job from a, I don't know why he said gay, Asian guy, he could just say guy,

but he wanted us to be descriptive. You're wrong about all three of those details. Yeah, gay, we know, because he's blowing you. And Asian, we know, because he's blowing you. That's your thing. Was he like Puerto Rican or something? Was he Puerto Rican or Asian? He was Puerto Rican.

Or like some kind of Dominican something. I don't know. What am I a fucking eugenicist? While he was blowing He asked him his name So while he was blowing you You said you asked him his name He didn't know his name

Well yeah So there's a funny moment Every time you meet up With someone on Grindr Where like And I like to do it after Because I find it funny Or like

Basically like you know You're done whatever You're like cuddling And then I started laughing And he looked at me It was like what They go by the way What's your name

And he said Dude, I'm so happy you asked. I forgot, too. You don't even remember. I love gay games. Those are so fun. Was it better than him? Yeah, he sucked it.

He was not good at head. He was not good at head. No, he's like, he's like, like, new to it and buy. Like, you know, you got to give him a little bit of it. He also has like a, like a, like, how do I put this? He has a small mouth. like Joe List Like Joe List

Yeah Think of the amount of teeth You'd have to avoid If Joe List was blowing you Jesus Christ That's terrible You know And he's all to be

Because his father's gay It's a whole time Right Okay So it's not as good So you did have a good time But it might have gave you Some type of weird

Some weird Fucking South American Where this piece of shit Was fucking Manufactured Well, now, the question is, are you going to use it again? No, like, here's the problem. It gets covered because it's...

Come on. Come on. As soon as you said that, everybody in this room went, yeah, right. Well, here's the problem. It gets covered and, like, leave and stuff. Yeah. I mean, I can't... I share a bathroom.

Like, I would have to walk out into my kitchen. and risk running in the key and to clean it out. And it's just, it's not that good. What about the towel? Here's what you do. You take it out of the, you can take it out of the thing. I know. And then put that in your underwear, like it's your hog.

And then walk to the bathroom. And then clean it and put it back in. Can I tell you? No one would believe that visual. It's like 13 inches long. One would believe that. I don't think we should give Devin another thing he has to clean. I was scared

I was scared when I gave it to him that I was going to lose him as a friend Yeah Danny said he's scared when he gave it to that he was going to lose you as a friend Yeah no I understand the fear It's impractical Like I just

If I could clean it in my room Yeah it'd be a problem Why don't you get a bucket If you just get a five gallon bucket At Home Depot Yeah Get one of those little scrubber things Fill it up

Like an old school clothes line the clothes that is hanging across his room just throw it on the floor your car and roll the window down let it dry off fucking shithole that you drive it just hanging out the window Kevin I show them the picture of your car yeah you fucking slob clean your car all right well fucking you know I'm sick don't yell at me he sounds like me

yeah you really do all right well listen feel better thank you This has been a beautiful arc Sitting down to here And it all came from fucking Devons Yeah From the origin of all life Like most things

Like most things in life They can be traced back To devon it's like planet Earth Just a close-up of a messy room And a pile of jizz on like a table The calm sits Waiting Evolution is not yet

Taking its course 12 p.m. Natural waking hours for Devin. The Taco Bell sauce mixes with the cum. And life has started. Yes, we used to think life started from Adams. But it turns out, Devin's come. Devin's seat.

Call him. He probably won't answer for me. He won't? I mean, you know, he'll see him and just go. But if you call him, he'd be like, I got to answer. I have to. You go to the speakerphone? Yeah.

Okay. Put it up to the microphone so we can hear it. Hello? Hey, Devin. What are you up to? Hey, Dev. You're on the podcast right now. Okay.

Dev. You all right? Can you hear Bobby? Wait, what? No, I didn't hear that. Are you okay? Are you all right? What's wrong?

Oh, yeah. I'm all right. What happened? Dude, I had a little bit of a sore throat last foot. And I was like, oh, fuck. So I, like, took NyQuil, and I woke up with, like, a full-on, like, fucking fever. And my, like, tonsils are fucking the size of testicles. I mean, that is, that is definitely what, like, beginning AIDS sounds like.

It does. You think the blow job machine, did you, did you drink out of it when you, how did it? on your throat. All I did was follow the instruction manual. Yeah, but did the instruction manual? Step one, poor AIDS into the cartridge. Did the instruction manual say, clean it with your mouth? I don't know.

It got really confusing after the point we have to hook it up to the live fine. How was it? It was pretty good. It was pretty good. Did you ejaculate? Yes. Did it do ejaculate? Did it go quick or slow?

Well, it went pretty good. quick so like I think that there's kind of kind of like any instruments there's a bit of a learning curve to it so it's designed where you can like up and down the speed and like intensity and stuff right but like you ever like try not to nut

and then like I'm trying to like quickly push the minus down but it got me oh yeah that's the worst so you've you fucked up on the timer I'm not a savant's with it, yeah.

Devin got a blow job from a real gay Asian man the day before. How did it compare? I don't think he heard me because I'm too far. Sorry, if someone said something, I can't hear it. Yeah, Danny has said the producer of the show for the next year. Danny said that you got a blowjob from a, I don't know why he said gay Asian guy. He could just say guy, but he wanted us to be descriptive. You're wrong about all three of those details

Yeah, gay we know Because he's blowing you And Asian we know Because he's blowing you That's your thing Was he like Puerto Rican or something Was he Puerto Rican or Asian He was Puerto Rican

Or like some kind of Dominican something I don't know I mean, what am I, a fucking eugenicist While he was blowing He asked him his name So while he was blowing you You said you asked him his name He didn't know his name

Well yeah So there's a funny moment every time you meet up with someone on Grindr, where like, and I like to do it after, because I find it funny, where like, basically, like, you know, you're done whatever, you're like cuddling. And then I started laughing, and he looked at me, it was like, what? They go, by the way, what's your name? And he said, dude, I'm so happy you asked. I forgot too. You don't remember. I love gay games.

Those are so fun. Was it better than him? yeah he sucked it uh he was not good at head he was not good at head what no he's like he's like like he's like like he's like he's like new it and buy like you know he got to give him a little bit of he also has like a like a like a like he like how do i put this he has a small mouth so like jo list like jo list yeah picture the amount of teeth you'd have to avoid if Joe List was blowing you. Jesus Christ.

That's terrible. You know, and he's all confusing because his father's gay. It's a whole thing. Right. Okay. So it's not as good.

So you did have a good time, but it might have gave you some type of weird. Some weird fucking South American where this piece of shit was fucking manufactured. Well.