Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #625 | Ron Bennington & Robbie Bernstein

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

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Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The back.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. We're it all started. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly. We're back at Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous comedy seller. Before you do anything, just hit that subscribe button for me.

I'm supposed to say that because that's what people's... Do you got to say this right up front? Oh, no, say it in the middle. No, say it all through the show. Just fucking do it. You're watching it. I'm just getting aggressive. I don't want to do that.

Hey, guys, if you can please, you know, it's up to you, whatever you want to do. We've got a great show tonight. Danny, who do we got? We have from Unmasked on Sirius XM. Ron Bennington is in the house. And also from part of the problem with Dave Smith, we have Robbie Bernstein. Robbie Stramer, and I'm glad he's here. Yeah, I'm glad he's here, too, because

like we were talking before off air. There was off air, but I think we could bring that on air. Because I usually don't do that. I don't, I separate off air from on air. I've never seen you cry on air. But you're sobbing right up until the lights on. 3, 2, 1, and it goes back up. That's from my childhood.

I can just, I can zip my heart off like a coat. Like it's connected and that I unconnected. We were talking about you. You're the next thing, buddy. How's that feel? I didn't realize I was having this much of an impact. You are having an impact. That's the word we use, by the way.

We were using impact. That's weird that you're bringing up impact. Yeah, because that's the term we've been using with you. Yeah. Impact. So what's the deal? You don't want to pay for roads or what's happening with you and Dave? What are you guys after?

What's the end game? Oh, you mean what is the problem? you mean in the current structure of our government? Wow, we're hopping right in. I'm going to put it right in the hot seat. I say let's do it, but don't start getting smart

and pronouncing your R's and getting it. I like it. He just turned it on though. Yeah, he's like, am I the guy? And then all of a sudden, you mean in the current structure

of the universe? I could tell if you guys were fucking with me. No, no, not at all. Is Ron fuck around? I really don't. But here's the thing.

I was with Mondami because he's a socialist and I'm like, okay, that's the way we're going. But he hasn't fucking shoveled the streets. We are in a nightmare situation. What the fuck. I got to, all right, listen, I'm not here to

defend. Robbie. What the fuck. Is this, isn't this what it's always like after it snows? No. It's usually better than this? I mean, look, I live in Katona. They shoveled the next day. Yeah, but can I tell you? Upper East of Manhattan was always done immediately. Yeah. And now

they might as well be in bed stye. Because I was remembered after it snowed. I was nervous to drive my car because I'm like, I might have to shovel in or out of a spot. That's kind of always what I remembered. No, now you do. You know what they do in Pittsburgh? They put a fucking chair out in the street for their spot.

You can't pull in. It's literally against the law for you to go, there's a spot, but a chair's in it. You move that chair. You can be Boston. You know, we did in Boston? We put a grandmother in a chair in the spot. That makes more sense because she can fight for it.

I go to Nodontadonna coming in there. It was a... Oh, I had no idea. The closest I ever got to a fight without being in a fight was one time I spent literally an hour looking for a spot and I had to pee. And there was this guy, I'm pretty sure he must have been a stripper because he was wearing like a cowboy hat, sleeveless shirt, had the biggest forums I'd ever seen.

Aaron Berg? He was black guy. So probably wasn't Aaronberg. Dante Nero. Yeah, it was... Dante a couple years ago. I switched it up on the fly. But what do you guys think?

think about saving spots. Do you think that's an okay move? No. No. I don't believe in it. I do not believe in it. I don't think so either. So I finally just start pulling into the spot. He goes, hey, I'm saving the spot. I go, you can't save a spot. And he goes, I'm saving the spot. And I go, you can't fucking save a spot. And then he turned it on. Oh, he came over to the window, clock back his fist. And he had like, Zabwe accent or something. And then you're like, oh, this is your spot. Literally right there. Yeah, this is where you're spot. He reached in. He goes, who do you fuck you think you're costing it. And I was like, I put out my answer, shake his hand.

I was like, you're a hero, sir. Yeah. You're reserving spots for pals. I respect your efforts. You left. Yeah, of course I did. Of course you got out of that. I was going to get punched in the face by some some Bobway stripper.

I would have to put the punch. But here's the thing with me. I'm a part-time ice agent. So I would have. Someone's got to talk about that. Well, I probably shouldn't. Oh, he was going to docks you anyways. Yeah.

But here's the thing. I always. I'm ready to. You know. I mean? Oh, I see it. Ice. You see it?

I see it. It makes me respect those guys even more. You know, just hiding their faces. Yeah. Because when I was a kid, my mom used to say, if you're in trouble, look for the man with a mask and he'll be the one that helps you. I love that everybody's wearing masks now. I feel like we're in the pandemic again.

We are. Yeah. And that's when you're happiest in a lot of ways. Oh, Ronnie. Yeah. Ronnie. It scared me at the beginning. I know it did.

I really, I really sunk into that shed. Yeah. Not having gigs, not flying, not having to sell it to, not having a club, call me up. Hey,

we're a little light. And I none of it. You know what I loved? You got an above ground pool right away like a fucking, a pool. And then you said, I'm going to take a 70s vacation.

Yes. I'm not getting on a plane. I'm going to find a place. Did you really get an above ground? Buddy, my wife said, you just floated in him, I woke up in the morning. She went,

go to job lots. today they're $250 they have three left I had to go up to fucking Kipsy or something up there drive up as I walk in people are fighting over one of them I just grabbed one in the middle of it and walked

them I had drag it I got a five foot pool 15 feet around you put it this is nuts my own life I thought you had to get like a fight you either had the built in right you had the metal dude this thing is just plastic and PVC pipe's no screws Right.

It's just the pressure from the 500 million gallons of water. Keep the pipes together. Just put it together in five minutes. Filter, done. Here's the thing. It only has to last the summer. You don't fucking need it past then. I gave it to Lewis Gomez's his sister.

That's so sad. That way, that was basically you bought a bath. Buddy, I, I hope. Oh, wow. Whoa. Wow. That was a fucking. I'll take the bond.

But you know what? I liked it. I liked it, I liked it too. Yeah. I respect it. No, honest to go. God, when you're in the pool, it was a fucking pool. You're in a pool.

It was a pool. I got a light for. I mean, I went extravagant. I got a light for it that spun around at night. So you go night swimming. I had the best summer, two summers with that stupid pool, that 200 feet old pool than I had in years. Right. Night swimming.

Fucking day swimming. Have you upgraded to a full pool now or you're just poolless? No. I moved to Contona. They have a town pool now. We use that. Yeah, we use the town. Here's the thing.

The only problem with that pull is you didn't get to rescue a 10-year-old girl that was drowning. You know, I don't like bringing it up. Can I tell you? I brought it up because it needs to be set. And I actually even wrote up this story when you told it. And I sent it to Reader's Digest. You did? Yeah.

They're up in Pleasantville, I think. Yeah, they're doing well. Yeah, I got a rejection. Oh, you did? Yeah. They said they needed video. They need a video. Yeah.

Why didn't your wife video? She was crying. That would have been even better. Oh, my God. Just hearing the tears of life. Well, it's funny that you do bring up this hero. Did you know? I've heard the story when you told it on a story.

No, the other podcast, the regulars. The regs? My bad. The regulators. Regulators. We, yeah, it was fucking, I'm telling you, we went to a beach, a local beach. me and Max are playing in Costa Rica. Last day.

Last day. Didn't get bit by a snake. Didn't get bit by a lizard. Went on jungle safaris. Went ziplining. One on these hanging bridges. I went surfing. Didn't get nothing.

No danger. Last day. Swimming. All of a sudden, little girl. Save her. Pointing back to the water. Save her. I look out as a little girl

beyond the big waves. Literally up to here. Floating. Like, about to go. she's about to die. And I immediately looked around for somebody else to do it that was more capable of doing it. Nobody.

Are you a good swimmer? That's scary. He's a phenomenal swimmer. He doesn't want to bring it up. But here's the thing that you never point out. White girl? Black girl. That's why she couldn't swim.

Yeah. Black girl? Yeah, if she was black. That makes you even more of a hero. I think so. I think nowadays. What month is this? This is February?

I should have waited to release the story. Fuck. Perfect. Fuck. I would have got so many points. I could have got a Netflix special. Yeah. Fucking went out, saved her, brought her back in.

Father, father, 6-4. Mm-hmm. Comes running out. I'm like, because I was having a hard time. I was a point where I was like, literally, seriously, I'm going to have to let her, I'm going to have to be. That would have been hilarious. If you would have let her go.

Because you would have, instead of being the hero, you would have killed her. Because they would have said she would have made it if somebody else Two more feet. Yeah. Two more feet. Two more feet, she would have touched ground. Yeah.

Yeah. That would have been a way where a story, comedian abandons little girl at beach. Little black girl. Yeah, that would have made the newspapers. Makes it worse. It makes it better and it makes it worse. In front of her father comes around out six four. Racist Boston comic, Hell's Girl in Costa Rica.

It was just went back to all the old regular. ONA. ONA would have come together for it. There's literally a clip of you on ONA. I'll drown a girl at the beach. hugging Anthony Goumi. Yeah, but he came out. He ran out, but the beach went down quick.

It's like, really good. Yeah, I hate that. And he, he came out running and went under. Right. And he immediately let go over arm and went back in. Jesus. Yeah, nice. Just let her redrift out?

No, well, I had her, but I was like, thank God. But, you know, he was black. He tried to have the last rescue moment. Right. It looked like he had contributed. Yeah, I mean, he came out. It was crazy. She was crying.

Her father would hugged me, kind of held me, which was weird. We're both shirtless. That's really fucking sweet. Six, four, boy. It was right at his belly button going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Again, if we had video, you would have blown that gay hockey fucking show out of the water. People have been crazy about you guys.

What the fuck is the gay hockey show? You haven't heard about this? I've heard about it. But I, I've just, like, little snippets. People, it's the biggest fucking show. These guys came to town. Nine months before, they were do, they were waiters. They get a Canadian fucking TV show.

The gimmick is gay hockey. Not everybody, just these two, they're in the down low. The whole team. Now, I haven't seen it, but Gail is obsessed with it. Right. So they, this thing. What do they make out? Like, what makes the, well, they, it's, it's, from what I understand.

dad really fucking hardcore sex and consensual. He's constantly like, you mind if I put my finger in your ass, can I fucking put my dick? He's polite. All they're playing hockey? No, no, no. It's like after hockey. You know what I mean?

That was the new fights in hockey? Yeah. I mean, and when they came in to do the Today Show, there were thousands of people waiting for this kids. Women love this gay hockey show. So it's a gay porno? There's a hockey. Like, hockey's the background.

it's not really straight porn, but there are sex scenes. And they're showing it like they would show a regular sex. It's a regular show. But they're showing it. But they're showing usually a gay sex scene. It's a kiss and they'll fade out. 100% correct. That's why people are loving this.

And now because they're showing just put it in. But women love, I guess, saying gay sex. Yeah. It's like years ago. That's what my wife said. Men decide it. They liked seeing lesbian sex. I never liked it.

Never did? No, I'm not. You got to see Dick to be happy. I got to see a ball and cock. Lesbian sex was like when you were in high school and you couldn't really get your hands on porn so you could settle for lesbian porn. Like there was enough to work with, but that's not, that wasn't the ideal porno. What's your stuff that you like? The guy who saved Bobby out of the water, I want to see that guy have sex with someone's wife.

That's the thing. It's really real quick at the end of the story. I didn't know this part. Right. He did have sex with my wife because he was like, can I do anything for you? I was like, could you fuck my wife? And he was like, if you want me to, and then he fucked my wife. And then I watched that porno.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what happened. When you watch the bull, the black bull and the white. Oh, that's me. Yeah. You're the black bull. I'm the black bull.

Okay. Yeah. What's the bull? He's the black guy. Oh, that's what they call. Yeah. I don't want to be cocked. I want to think of myself as a physical specimen of the human being.

You're not. That's right. That's why I, that's why I'm a fan of something. Yeah, exactly. Here's my thing. I identify with the woman. Is that weird? Does that come off kind of strange?

No, not now. Okay, not now. Not now. It would have a couple years ago. When you were on radio in Florida, it would have been fucking weird. Now it's, I like it. When I watch porn, I like to open a thousand tabs. It's just whatever looked interesting on like the screen.

Uh-huh. And then just close it the second I get bored. Just it's all. So I'll watch 40 seconds of this, 40 seconds of that, go through the whole thing. and then at some point just finished my imagination. My, I like, I, I love. Yeah, that's part of the. Someone move the placement over all the, that's the autism.

Yeah. They just kick lights when they see him. They got scared of a light. He got scared. And he just kicked. And the whole thing, light bad. He's light bad. Light bad.

Baby hate light. Baby hate light. Love cheese. Yeah. I love cheese. Hey, what's going on? This episode is brought to you by, prize picks. The big game, it's almost here, and I can't tell you how excited I am.

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I like a story. You don't get it anymore. You don't get a story. You get clips. And it sucks to, I like the whole, hey, how are you? Blah, blah, blah. And then they go through it.

And then I like kissing. I like kissing in my porn. I'll tell you what you like. Yeah. You like seduction. Yes. And that's the thing that they don't understand these days. No.

That sometimes even a mainstream movement. can be sexier than a porn because the porn is just the same four fucking moves that they make. Yeah, one of those. All of them. First, blowing him. He's eating her out. Boom, he hits her. That rolls her.

And here's where we're ending. Okay. Here's where we're ending. Yeah. That's the four moves they have. And it's like seeing bad comedy where everybody's doing the same four premises. It is. Yeah.

I like, remember Lady Chatterley? Yeah. You ever know what lady chats? Dude, it was seduction porn. It was back in the day. There was a whole story. You had to wait 20 minutes before you got in the bedroom and she undid her Boostier.

Right. Or the tutor who was helping him. She taught him actually some problems. Right. You see, I want the one thing I don't get him in life, which is you're so attractive. Fuck me. That's what you want.

That's what I'm looking for. If I'm going to watch porn, otherwise, what do I want to go on a date? I can do that in real life. I like a story, man. I got to listen to a person on the, on the point. I don't like when they break character, too, when they finally get into the sex. Yeah.

And then she'll break character. Oh, you want her to still be like emotional about it. Yes, I want to stay in it. I love you sex. I like a phesbian. I like somebody who's, you know, if you're going to do it, do it right. I want a little, you know what I don't want as soon as, you know, oh, I don't know if I can do this. And then when she grabs, I don't want that.

You should be like, you know, oh, am I doing it right? The whole time. See, these things only existed when we had theaters, right? Yeah. And down in Florida, I went to this place. You're watching old school porn. I'm jerking off. I look over.

Who do I see jerking off? Pee Wee Herman. And I'm like, now I feel like I'm, you know, I'm making. Somebody. Did you guys high five? Yeah. Well, not. We high five with our cocks.

And then cops came in and I grabbed his neck and I yelled, we got him. And they didn't take you. No. I know why. I'm part-time. Ice. Right. Not full-time. You flash your badge. Yeah. It gets exhausting to be full-time, and I don't like to chase people.

I hate ice. You don't like them? No, I slipped on it the other day. Oh, okay. It's on my roof. I got an ice dam. Ice in general. Right. Not good. How about, like, in a soft drink? Soft drink. I love it in a soft drink. Unless you're in, like, you know, where ice is sending these people.

Down there, it's not good. You'll get sick. Bobby loves rice. He's got a point. He's got a point. I do love rice. When he slipped on the ice, was it a nice cartoonish land on the back? Like how bad of a splatter was it? It was a slip, catch it.

I got it. No, I don't. And then, fuck, right on my tailbone. No, I, you know, what I don't understand about this whole ice thing with all these people that are, they want to send back. If I was Mexican or El Salvadorian or from another country. from South America. And I would be like, all right, you know what? I'd get us all together and be like, all right, we're going to go.

All of us. We're going to go back. And one day, all of them mass migrate back to where they came from and see where we were then. See if you get a good fucking meal. See if you get the fucking country will shut down. New York will shut down. It will shut the, you'll get no pizza, no falafel, no fucking Italian food, Chinese food.

I know you think it's Nope It's all fucking done Little tiny brown people Just working their ass off Yeah with one Asian Yeah one Asian Yeah

Wow Wow Right exactly They're fucking They are Have we lost showing this Yeah Like fuck those people

No I'm mostly on board I feel like we should have These news segments Like show the efficiency Of a New York City bagel shop And the Mexican that's in there Who wants to throw that guy guy out of the country.

Nobody. I want that guy training more people on how to make bagels and get the eggs out of the morning. I used to work in an Italian restaurant. Yeah. And Boston, La Familiar, Georgia, shout out. Nice. Whole kitchen. Sure.

One Italian lady, the owner, woman, Italian woman, tough. She'll kill you. And she spoke Spanish. Her whole staff. Everybody behind that fucking, behind that little wall, all Spanish. every single person in there cooked all the food for everybody and it was the best Italian food right it's not a it's a fucking bunch of Spanish dudes cooking fucking uh chicken tortellini and awesome so you two are against Americans having jobs that's what I no no Americans don't want those jobs yeah

Americans don't want any of that you see these guys delivering food in the city and they have these things built to put their fucking hands in because it's so cold to do it yeah uh no no white people or black people I once crashed with one of those guys and it was 100% my fault and I was so happy it was illegal Yes they don't want any trouble They don't want no trouble

You see them in the hallway You're building And they're like, you know They talk about it with a bicycle You can hit them with the car? No no no I was on a bike They talk about it with bicycles

That like you're looking for cars And you just don't see them Like your brain literally Will delete a bicycle Because you're not If you want to look it up There's actually this weird test where they tell you to count how many times someone's bouncing a basketball and a gorilla will walk by.

Saw that. And most people won't register the gorilla. Are we talking about racism? Are we talking about Spanish people? What I'm talking about is the nominal. He's talking about life and death and God, the devil, the whole fucking thing. If you're concentrating on one thing, a crazy thing can be happening that you should be aware of and you won't even see it. And I experienced that because I was turning against traffic, looking for cars.

And I literally turned my bicycle right into one of like those Mexicans. dudes on the heavy things. Right. Oh my God. I went right over my bike, hidden's the pavement, smashed my front wheel on my bicycle. I hit one of the guys with my car.

What? Yeah. How bad? Not bad. Killed him. Yeah, he's dead. But it wasn't that bad. Yeah.

But no, he, I backed up into him. Up on 72nd Street. I just didn't see him. No problem in senior. I immediately, he was like, What the fuck?

Is that a good accent? Yeah, perfect. What the fuck? Well, and I was like, yo, yo, man, my fault. I'm so sorry. He's like, you fucking hit my bike. I was like, I'm so, you hit me. I was so sorry.

I took out of 50. I go, this is for you. He goes, okay. And that was it? That was it. Took off. Problems solved. If that was a white girl, I'd be in court.

Can I go a little political? Yeah, go ahead. I'm not a fan of, uh, I actually am a fan of people coming into the country and working. I think Biden brought a few too many people over the border. And we do need a bit of a bit of a. correction for that's that there's not an incentive the next time the president wants to have open borders. But here's the thing.

How come we're not busting people who hire these people? How come we're not arresting the owners of these restaurants, the fucking farmers? That's why they come here. Well, it's because Donald Trump is not actually... Answer the question. Because they're not actually interested in solving the problem or engaging in

mass deportations. And so instead, I have a friend told me this conspiracy theory. I think it's reasonable that Trump purposely did what he did in Minnesota so that the country would turn against trying to support people and he wouldn't have to do it.

Can I ask a question? Yes. I'm reading this book after the Civil War about the frontier and all that stuff. The East Coast we were all you know the we kind of settled in

we had nice. Who threw that one out there? Autistic part was that. That was a full on I don't respect the other people in this room. It was wet. It's not. He gets nervous when we talk about politics.

He has autism. Yeah. The other guy's lights freak him out. Politics. This guy fires. It's all part of the thing. Are you all right, Danny? Okay.

Okay. Danny isn't, he's giggling through it. No, you're reading dances with wolves? Is that the book that you're reading? No. No.

Is it, is that Kevin Goster? Yeah. So you're reading the Idiots Guy to How to Get Your Slaves Back? No, no, I'm reading a book about the Comanche Indians. But it's they, we, we wanted a lot of people in this, after the Civil War, we didn't have anybody. We wanted everybody to come over because we needed jobs to be done that people weren't doing anymore, right?

And they, they get over here. Come in, we're going to give you a land. They actually, the government, these fucking pieces of shit would use these, people to go out into the west and we'll give you 120 acres in Comanchee territory because they didn't want the soldiers doing it

they wanted regular people from Ireland all over the fucking world. You go do it with your family and these people didn't know they were just hard motherfuckers went out in the middle of Comanchee and built their house and all that and then one day they just came and the Comanchees took their fucking daughters, killed their babies and

fucking killed everybody and they wanted, they needed these people to go out and do the dirty work for them. This country was built on the scam of, hey, come here. It's the land of opportunity. All right, get to work. That's what every group of previous immigrants did. Irish.

They told the other ones, hey, it's great over here. And then they showed up and they're like, all right, now you can do the slave jobs. Yeah. Here's the thing about slavery, though. I feel like the worst thing is it comes off a little racial. Because at any point, when you just say we have Indians here, let's make them slaves instead of taking a fucking boat all the way

across the ocean picking them up driving back half of them die where you got tons of Irish doesn't make financial sense it makes unbelievable are you saying that they wouldn't do the work you could have saved on transportation costs much but I'm not very Indians to bring them over it doesn't make financial sense I'm agreeing

with you okay yeah because your agreement comes across as a disagreement I'm to be totally honest with you sometimes I do that but but what was that about? Why was it only the Africans? I mean it's crazy. I mean, Indians

weren't that big. I'm going Yeah. There's no way this isn't racist, but I'm just going to venture to guess that they couldn't enslave the Indians because they were less obedient. Hang on one second. And that there were I can't imagine

they didn't try it. I heard they never tried it. And look, they had French people in New Orleans. Grab those fuckers. They couldn't fuck with the Indians. They tried to fuck with the Indians. The Indians fucked us. They fucked the Mexicans up. Spain tried to fucking conquer all that

Texas and all. And they were like, go fuck yourself. The Pueblo Indians who were pottery people. Right. Fucked up Spaniards. Sent them the fuck back. That's how we got horses in North America. We didn't have them. The Spaniards brought him here. And when we, the Indians

fucked them up, they just left their horses. They made it. And that's how the Comanche Indians who were a shit little they're little they're not that big the Apache and the Eastern Indians who are actually the stoic you know guys that we think of they learned to ride horses better than anybody else and they fucked up every other tribe they fucked up the Mexicans and you know they fucked up the most us they fucking they fucked us up for a long time all right let me ask you this now all right since you have this thing yeah I told you Bobby you can't

leave here unless you have a fist fight yeah I'm giving you a choice yeah A Native American Or an African American. Who are you fighting? Well, I'm going to fight the Native American. Okay. Yeah. No further question.

Yeah. I mean, come on. You can do a lot of stuff to a Native American now. I didn't know that. You had to. Here's what I had no idea that this show was just so cutting edge. It wasn't? Yeah.

But it's become that. It's evolved. Yeah. So what is it about the, Native Americans post-Civil War that grabbed your interest, that you're like, I want to read this book. I love that time in America. I love the 1800s. I've always loved it.

I love the old West. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Imagine the smell. It was terrible. Everywhere. Filthy. Terrible?

Yeah. Unbelievable. Terrible. But I had a, this is why I've always believed. And look it. I know Ron. I know you're not. This is on the kind of psychic realm.

I don't know where you lie. I know where he is a little. you know, pessimistic. I always believe that I lived in the old West. You think you're reincarnated? Let me finish. Yeah. I felt that way.

I felt that I've always lived in the Old West. And then I had, I went to a psychic around 12 years ago without saying anything. And she said to me, you lived in the Old West. Now, was that the only other time period you lived in, though? It's the only reincarnated once. That's the one she talked about. I was lived in the Old West. I'm not going to get into this because I'm saving it for story worse.

Okay, great. But I did a past life regression. You did? Before, yeah. Where were you? It's a long story, and it's going to be told on story wars. Hopefully in front of a huge crowd at Skankfest. Oh, 11.

Okay. 11? Yeah. Are there any other time periods you think you might have? Was there anything in between the Civil War to now? No. There was a gap before you respond? I always have.

connected with the Old West, that fucking dirty old town, you know, that, that, and I, and she told me, now granted, I wasn't a gunslinger, which I thought, I was a bartender. That's cool gig. In the Old West? You had Harper's just upstairs? I would hate it. You get to, you know what I mean? Yeah, there's a lot of fights, a lot, all the fucking bottles get broken behind you.

That's a fucking nightmare. By the way, who came up with putting all the bottles together like that? You never see that take place in Europe. You know what I mean? Like, hey, all the whiskey bottles are all lined up like you see at a bar now. His name was Augusta. Augusta. There was actually a guy?

No, kidding. You had me. It is weird. Well, if you think about, you bring up the smell, I mean, there was no toilet paper. Nothing. There was no toilet paper. When you watch these westerns, you're like, oh, they skim, they don't ever show women free blood. They didn't shave.

They had hair under their armpits. Wait, wait. Can we go back to? the free blood part free blood they free blood they when they had their periods they just bled so they have like a second pair of their stockings for period week

they would just bleed down their legs they was filthy and then you you fuck any of those whores out there and the next thing they're putting a hot wire up your fucking dick hole what yes that would shove a hot wire up your dick hole they still will

if you get you know syphilist or anything you're getting a stick up there to check and swab and shit but they would go all the way up and burned the whole thing. That was there. Well, good news. You know.

At that point, how horny can you be to have sex that you'll tolerate a hot wire? That it was the old west. It was the old west. I guess you were in terrible pain from your syphilis. Yeah. That you're like, just fucking give me a hot wire in my dick hole,

please. Hey. But I mean, I feel like I would be depressed. Yeah. I wanted a hot wire up my dick hole? There it is right here. For over four centuries from the late 15th century

until the early 20th century, until the early 20th century. The primary, though highly toxic treatment for syphilis, was mercury, often causing severe side effects worse than the disease.

People's tics were just falling off. Less harsh, less effective treatments included, what does that say? Right there. Penicillin replaces. What does it say? A wooden extract with, wow.

What does it say? Why do you bring up words that you know I'm going to stumble on. What if you could see your previous life and you were the bartender for a week, had sex with one of the hookers, your dick fell off and you were dead a week later? Would you still be the actual story?

One of the guys who wrote the Constitution died from that? Harrison has a bit about it. He stuck barbed wire up his dick in the dot. But here's what I took from which he said I was a bartender. I was fat then too. In every life. That you go back. Even like, God damn it.

Yeah. I didn't even figure it out back then. When I, Oud was scarce. But you go back far enough and you were just royalty because they were the only fat ones. Like somehow you were like King Louis the six.

Well, I'm watching that Game of Thrones shit now. Yeah. And I'm watching it and everybody's so elegant and everything's so beautiful. But even back then, when they were living in these cats, you've been to a castle?

No. Buddy, they just shit. Anywhere they want. They just shit. Like dogs. That sounds free. Like fucking dogs. Yeah.

I went, I went to a. castle in Belgium. I was up at the top and there was like the little there was a little like almost like a balcony. I go there was a hole. I was like what's that? He goes oh that's for defecation and urination. But then it land outside

the castle. In the river. Yeah they would shit in the river. Even like when they were doing the constitution they would go out and shit next to a tree in fucking Philly. Just fucking everybody walking by. Yeah. Of course they do because they're high on meth. They did it at the punchline when I was there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah they they they well when the the south captured like a thousand fucking soldiers and they put them in this just this field like 10 football fields and they they they put it you know just a wood around it like a wood like a fort right and where they bathed they shit uh so they shit washed and bathed in the same little stream but the southerners the guards and they would shit and piss above stream. So they were literally just bathing and shitting in the

fucking other people shit. That's just the way it was back then. It was disgusting. You're bathing. You're like, God, I don't have any shit. Dude, do you have any extra shit? No, it was fucking horrifying. It's fucking crazy.

What was that? When was that? 200 years ago. Yeah, 200 years ago. 200 years ago, we were just shit. Well, you know, like even in the 40s or 1950s, like when you see like what people look like and how hard they were, they were old as fuck. Yeah.

When they were 40. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like you'd be 40 years old. And even I remember like people coming over in my house like relatives and shit and everybody had a fucked up leg. You know what I mean? There was just, you fucked up your knee. That was it.

As if a life. Yeah, you were the guy with the fucked up leg. That's what they came up with nicknames. Yeah. It was crazy how many fucked up hips and legs there were. the fucking family's clothes on her face. You know what I mean? They were just fucking hard times.

Hard people, hard times, man. You got, the women we have now, they didn't have back then, dude. No. You couldn't. It was just these women, and they all died at like 38. Sure.

That was like 90 back then. And they are, and most, they say if you live to 40, back in the 1800s, you could live to 80. Right. You could get past that thing.

But have you ever had a sickness in your life? that would have killed you. Yeah, because I've had a couple. You know what I mean? I've had a couple times, like, when I was a kid, I had scarlet fever, and then my appendix exploded at one time. All those things would have killed me. Dead.

You know? You just been dead. And even when I was younger, when a guy would have a heart attack and he didn't die, he would just sit, wait until the next heart attack came. He, like, didn't have to go to work. Yeah, they didn't have stints. Yeah. But he was just, he was a goner.

Yeah. He was just dead back of the day. And only in the last. what, 100 years? Yeah. They figured out how to make people live to 80s. And now they're going, oh, you could live to be 150. Fuck you.

You know what I mean? I've been ready for a long time. Really? You don't want to live? I see, like, the shit that I got a chance to do, what I want? More? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, but like your grandkids, don't you want to be?

I have my grandkids. They're unbelievably fun at this age. I'm having the time of my life with these grandkids. with these grandkids. But 10 years from now, you know what I mean? They're going to come over the house. I'm not even going to be sure who they are.

Help! I'll just yell, help for no reason. That's beautiful. That's a life well lived. I feel like you've done it all. If I will tell you the truth, when my kids were little, on 9-11 is where I had the fucking,

I'm running from one school to next, and I'm like, I don't give a fuck what happens to me. me, I want these kids to be okay. And that made me think to myself while I'm running, holy shit, I had a great fucking time. You know what I mean? I did so many things.

I'm fine. If I go out today, just let me get these kids. And never since then has anything bothered me like it did before then. So I need to have some kids and hope for another 9-11. Well, it doesn't, even the kids aren't the thing of whether you had a good life for them. You have to have a 9-11, though. But you need to have a good 9-11. I was too young to have that 9-11 moment.

I was in eighth grade. I was laughing that dumb pilots were flying into buildings. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Wow. But even when you found out, it was still kind of funny, right? Oh, when I found out a second idiot, flew a plane into a building? That's the funniest thing I ever heard of my life. You saw people jumping out of the building?

We didn't hear about that. I don't know how we heard about it in class. We were literally in math class, and somehow we found out that someone, and I was actually flying around in my class, reenacting it. Dude, we were, when the space shuttle Columbia blew up, they all had us in the class. Every class had a TV. We were all sitting down Indian style watching this amazing teacher. And I remember just sitting there.

We were all just smiling. And then it was like, it blew up. And we were all like, huh? And then the teacher started like crying. If you unplugged the TV, we were like, what happened? And it's just fucking chaos. Just chaos. What grade was that?

Ah, whatever grade. I forget. He was in college. It was 40 years ago, by the way, the anniversary was the other day. But one of the funniest things, Chris Stanley, High Society, he's on my show,

and, you know, he goes when the teacher and those kids were killed, and we're like, what? He goes, the kids that were on the shuttle, were killed. We go, what are you talking about? He goes, the teacher,

it was like a class trip. Took all the kids. on the shuttle. With the permission slips? Yeah, and he just had this thought because he was little enough that the teacher was taking the children to fucking space.

By the way, he... I want to go on the space shuttle. Can you sign my permission slip? My mom didn't want me to go to Philly Zoo. She wouldn't let me go to Cannibal Lake. You know what they have a theory? Because I love these... We're in this world now

with these stupid fucking, you know, what do they call them? What do they call them? I have no idea. I don't know where you're going with this.

I just keep doing. Stupid what? Italians. Where's that psychic when you need them? No, what is it when they, it's not propaganda. It's,

with a pee. You know, it's not real. Like the moon's, you know, it's conspiracy? That one. There's no pay in there.

Well, if you say it like this. Conspiracy. Yeah. If you go to this piece. Yeah. There's a P. I'm from Boston.

We say it with a P. There's a P in the middle. There's a P in the middle. Well, the conspiracy theory is that all those people are still alive. Oh, yeah. Everybody on the show. Everybody on the shuttle is alive. They found them and they're going, they still go by their real names.

And why do they want to fake blow up the shuttle? That's the problem with the conspiracy. That's the big problem. And the second, you have logic. You ruin the conspiracy. But I'm into my first conspiracy theory. and I never had one. That fucking Charlie Kirk thing.

What? His wife did it? Well, I don't know who did it. Israel did it? His wife is going along with it. They're not looking into it. They still haven't buried the motherfucker. Nobody has seen the death certificate.

They're not going to tell anybody where he's buried. If you watch all this shit that goes down, I'm like, oh, this is fucked up. What do you mean? What happened? What's the main thing that you're like, this? Somebody killed him. Well, first of all, we know.

he got killed probably. That's a good part. Yeah, I know that part. But the thing is, the people around him. He said the bullet. Yeah. The people around him. Yeah. Ran over and started moving shit. They just fucking changed like they destroyed the crime scenes as it happened. Oh, so they were moving stuff before it or after? No, before it, they're giving each other fucking hand signals. There's people giving all kinds of hand signals. You sure there was nobody deaf in the audience? Like that was an interpreter? Bobby, I know this is funny to you because you got your head and you're a fucking bartender. You're right. Okay?

This is why. I have bartender spirit. Right. Why don't you do this? If I can take a rag and rub it on this table. What can I get you, fellas? No trouble, okay? Hey, guys, guns at the door.

I'm not going to, I mean, the information's there for anybody who wants it, but something fucking went down. I love this one. The conspiracy theories, they always do say they, that look if the information's right there if you want i don't i want you to explain everything to me and just show it to me right now so i can believe it yeah just make it simple for me i don't want why you got to sign me homework yeah all you got to do is hit play on any of these things what's the fucking black chick who uh how many and as owens you know what that's fucking

terrible yamineke you don't care okay and i saw her drop the n word 300 times in a 15 minute's uh canada soans and They've got her where no one, you know, she's on the way out. But something fucking went down that day. She's on the way out. No, she knew everything that was happening. She showed all the information. Now she's not even on my algorithm.

They took her off. I don't know. I was watching her every day and I was watching other people talking about it every day. And then the next thing I know, it's all fucking vanished for me, you know, and I'm not going to give her a follow. Have you seen the conspiracies on Erica Kirk? No. They're dark.

What is it? Uh, well, the first one, I, at least I can't validate any of this. I'm just telling you internet conspiracies, but there was some sort of a tie-in with Epstein, um, that she was like working out in Romania and in some area where a bunch of kids went missing. She also was like a young model. And I think had some sort of a tie in with Epstein. I don't remember what the tie in was. Well, I mean, that is a big J. Lewis. Did he see Bobby Slayton is like heavily named? But then there's also on the, the Epstein files. There was a video that came out recently where she was making a presentation to the CIA, which could be that she had good connections and is a model type.

So they just had hired her to do the presentation. Shut up. But it did seem a little. Yeah, it was on EMPs to the electricity grid. But she's at the CIA giving the presentation. And then they had another video recently of her because supposedly nice Christian girl and was a virgin until Charlie Kirk. But they had a video of her submitting to be in the amazing race. with her boyfriend at the time.

Really? Yeah, and she just has dead lizard eyes. But listen, I don't think she did it. I like the sparklers. You know what I like the wrestling club. You're going to celebrate your husband's death. You got to do it right. You got to do it big time.

Yeah, you got to have fireworks. You got to make it a show. Bobby, did you see that Bobby Slaten was like heavily named in that? In the F's name like being. No, no, no, not named. Like they went to a show at the comedy's like. Like he was staying at his house on multiple. I swear to God.

Here's what happened. because I was invited to fucking Epstein's house. And you said, hell, yeah, let's party. Well, when it initially happened... Is that why you're like, dude, I've lived life? I've done it all. Like shit, these files are coming out.

When it initially happened, I got a call from a friend of mine who said, do you want to go to a dinner party and meet Woody Allen? So I go, fuck yeah. I definitely want to. And then a couple days, and he's like, dude, it's fucking great. you're going to lobby.

He's got the best wine. Great food is like his house is the biggest house. And you're like all this. So like two days later, I go, who is it? He goes, this guy, Jeffrey Epstein. And I go, fuck you, man. I'm not going there. You do.

How do you know that name at the time? Because I read the newspaper, right? And the fucking post... One second, a newspaper was a thing. He was made a paper and they put it out every day. That's like a Civil War thing. Right. When you used to...

The Post was watching this fucking guy like he was a zoo animal. Right? I saw shit where he was taking girls out You know to the car And somebody would you know A paparazzi would get a picture I'm like I'm not fucking going over there Really? You know? Yeah

Like if I have a my fucking dealer Get busted for Coke I'm not gonna go back to him for a while For a while Yeah Because who knows what's up But anyway I turned that down

Four or five of our friends Went to that fucking part Jim Norton Rich Voss Colin Quinn Bob McLeighton One of them. No. Yeah.

One of them was on the list. Lewis Black said that he was there once. Lewis was there once. Different friends of ours. And like, they had a nice dinner. They're fucking having fun, fucking around. With the kids?

No. No kids are there at all. They're having fun with Woody Allen. And then the Epstein goes, he goes, and now you guys like magic. And David Blaine comes out. Just starts doing fucking close.

I had a bunch of kids. There's no fucking kids. Those are no kids. These friends of ours. No kids. But for people, for funny people, Woody Allen is the fucking honeypot, right? He is, but he did some crazy shit too.

Yeah, I mean, he married his wife's adopted daughter. You know what I mean? That's what he did when she was in a little. That's a good investment. Can we just say, adopt them when they're young? Yeah. But she was young, too. Right.

So none of those guys. that are mentioned, including... But he invested and raised her from scratch. I think you're looking at the wrong part of the story with Woody Allen. Oh, it's like an investment. Yeah. Oh, I get it. Like a Brown stuff.

Are you telling me, you guys, if they were like, hey, Woody Allen, you could go over his house tonight. You wouldn't want to meet him? No. Then you're not a centophile. I'm not, because I don't know what that is. It's a person who enjoys film. Oh, a cinephile. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I like film. Not enough to meet Woody Allen. Can I be honest with you? And I've been doing this a lot in life. Yeah. I have to go watch his movies again. Because when I watched them, I was a different person.

And I never, I was like, okay, I get it. But now that I'm a little older and I can sit down and watch something. Can I tell you something? Yep. Don't bother. You're not going to get it, Bob. You sure? I'm 100%.

Well, you might be wrong because I didn't like zucchini my whole life. You still shouldn't eat it. Okay. All right, maybe I shouldn't. I know that this is not the top movie to reference, but Blue Jasmine, I thought it was excellent. And that came late in his career, yeah. Yeah, that was a more recent one. But the classics are classics.

Manhattan's excellent. Annie Hall's excellent. Unbelievable. Some of the other ones didn't really, like the radio days I didn't really get. I would say, trading places. But that's not Woody Allen movie. Oh, I'm saying comedy movies. Oh, just great comedy movies.

I would like Caddy Shack was a good one. I would say Tropic Thunder I take dumb and dumber is my number one all time I never got into you know what I didn't this is what I said

I never got Norm MacDonald until he died and then I went I go why do I have something up with this dude why have I never everybody everybody and then I went and watched this stuff I was like this guy's the fuck You never crossed paths with him

through a little bit he was like I would call Colin Quinn and he would be with him and he'd be yelling shit and blah blah blah, but I never until he died. Then I watched this stuff and I'm like, this guy is fucking hilarious and I love consuming Norm MacDonald now, but I didn't. Here's the thing. When Patrice died, his family.

Who was Patrice? Patrice O'Neill, he was a comedian. So his family gave me one of his hats and I go, uh, that's his hat. They gave all of it. You got the replica. Real quick. We all got a hat. All I'm doing is the fucking bit from you're in the book.

And you said you didn't get a hat. And now there's the fucking hat sitting there. Why would you lie in the book? I'm going to say this. Yeah. I didn't get a hat. I had to beg for a fucking hat. Right.

I'm setting the whole funny bit up waiting for him to say, you got a hat. Dane Cook got two hats. Because when I read that in the book, I fucking laughed so hard. They gave, they looked. at like people's tax brackets or where they were in the business and they gave them hats.

I was one of Jesus, like one of my closest friends of all time. I'm at Dane's house one day and he opens a box. He goes, ah, what are these? Oh, Oh,

Pat's his hat. That's cool. I was like, I didn't get a hat. I didn't get any hats. He goes, I got two. You want one?

I go, no, I don't want your hat. I want my fucking hat. I wanted a fucking hat. And I literally had to call up and be like, I didn't get a hat from my dead friend. But then they sent me one.

I walked in it. I was like, that's one of the coolest pieces of comedy memorabilia. Here's a problem with this hat. My mother, when my grandfather died, he died at 101, and he always wore these hats.

And one day I was at my mother's house and there was a hat. I go, who's that? He was Papa's hat? You want that? It's Papa's hat. I go,

I would love to have Papa's hat. I would love to. I took the hat home. I wear it around my backyard. When I, you know, sit out there and smoke a cigar, I used to wear Puppa's hat.

I found out it wasn't Puppet's hat. She just got it at a fucking Christian flea market. It was a hat that looked like Puppet's hat. So I don't know if that's Patrice's hat. They probably went out and got it because you put on such a fucking... But the thing that made me laugh so hard is like the whole thing, the whole book is about death and our friend Lou wrote it. And she interviewed a bunch of comics.

And like his, Bobby's thing immediately with his reaction was jealousy. and that's what I like no one else gets jealous because I wanted a hat it was my friend Dane didn't deserve two They didn't even talk They talked every once in a while But now you're not even wearing that hat

You put it in the fucking I wear it when people leave I don't wear it when people are here I wear it as soon as you guys leave I put it on and I sit for 20 minutes After every party You should see you know that you're really fucking fast And I do my ads with the hat on

What's up? You should hear the words he says when he wears the hat. What'd you say? You turn into him when you say, we wear the hat too. You're doing pressure. Channel Patrice.

Let me tell you some. Don't blackface, dude. When you're wearing a hat. It's fucking. Well, nobody's here. That's still bad, I think. No,

I think it's, I think that's clean. You think when you're alone in the black? Yeah, absolutely. It's a form of personal expression. If no one's around and you can get that out on your own time, reenact the porn you're watching.

That's an honest man's activity. You're watching. Price porn? It's my favorite kind, you know? I tell you, I was watching I was at my cigar lounge a few months ago and they were all the guys, you know, these are the smokers of cigars.

And they put on the Kings of Comedy. And I was like, Bernie Mac's funny. I get it. They're all funny guys. But nobody's laughing. They're just watching it, chuckle every once in a while. And I go, you guys want to watch

fucking a funny black dude? You want to watch the funniest dude? ever, I go put on Patrice on Dale special. Dude, I tell you when there's a room full of fucking old white dudes, belly laughing. Sure. I mean, buckled over going, who the fuck

is this guy? Yeah. This fucking this is mollions are fucking hilarious. All right, relax, this is my friend. Yeah, they're all a bunch of fucking races. Yeah, they were he's still one of the funniest fucking guys ever. That joke about spelling the word

restaurant. It's fucking, he's funny. This is why he's funny because he does jokes that are right in front of you your whole life. Yeah. And you're walking by it, like finding a penny. He looked down and picked it up. The word restaurant, I still don't know how to spell. I tried to spell it today. And I still had to be like, you hear that joke what he does? I'm sure I know, but I'm not placing it. Here's the thing about him. He's still the reason why a lot of West Coast guys are afraid to come into the cellar because of the table. And they're like, I hear it's brutal. I go, it hasn't been brutal.

No. In a long time. You got one guy with a stroke. Hey, why are you guys? He's fucking funny. One of my favorite Patrice jokes. And it's not, I think, one of his more famous ones, but it's the diabetes cookie joke. What is it?

I'm not going to do it justice, but whenever he's shopping for cookies, or no, he's in the supermarket and he sees the cookies. He has to have the conversation in his head about how this is going to kill him. But he can't not get it. And he's trying to, like, plead with God to not eat the cookies. Did you, I tell you, Keith, you said Keith's funny. Keith is one of the funniest guys on the planet Earth. When he had a, he had a second stroke. The first stroke, I went to visit him in the rehab.

My friend just died of, you know, this stroke. Now, Keith had a stroke. I'm in the rehab. I'm waiting. We don't know how he is. Nobody's telling us anything. And I'm just sitting in the waiting room. All of a sudden, you hear, ah.

And they wheel him around the corner. He's going, I'm like, I literally went, oh, no. He went, ah, I'm just joking. there's only one person that can do that joke and you can only do it once you have to have a stroke and it's the only time

you can do that joke and then the second stroke I called him in the fucking hospital he picks up the phone I go hey man are you all right he goes Bob

a fat fuck I go what are you all right he goes Bob a fat fuck I'm like Keith what the fuck you go Bob

a fat fuck fat fuck and I go what are you doing he goes I'm with my speech therapist I'm working on my bees and fs that's the funniest thing I ever heard you can't you can't fuck no you can't it's the funniest thing ever I will listen dude um what I'm gonna plug you thing what do you got what do you got please yeah I just uh put out a series called porching I do a porch tour which I've talked about oh god I thought there was some racist thing no definitely not racist like some white guy thing. You know, we're going to go portion tonight.

I did 60 backyards this past summer and fans' backyard. So I love it. I love that you do that, dude. Yeah, getting out there, man, it's fun. So I did two episodes. The first one's kind of a mockumentary, got some stand-up in it. And then the second one's more of a cartoonish storyline. Now, you're going just in people's backyards.

Yep. And doing shows. Fans are setting these up. I mean, I sent them up. You set them up with fans. Fans reach out if they got a lawn that they'll let me. use and then I take it from there. And I do everything. It's the routing, book and other comics.

And the mics and the, you actually do flights. Yeah, I do it all. Yeah. I wish I could just stay out all summer and drive it, but I haven't figured that one out yet. Yeah. Yeah. I tend to fly to a region and do basically Thursday to Sunday different like three hour drives and try and stack. And everything, you have no idea what it's going to be like when you get there, who the people are going to be. It must be completely, you You know, when everyone's friends, but you, you know what I mean? It's a weird fucking scene. Well, most of the people don't know the other people.

Oh, is that right? Usually have, like, the host and they might have a handful of their friends there. So they're just letting strangers come to the show. Most of the people, complete strangers, didn't know each other beforehand. You've had a problem with someone coming fucked up to somebody else's yard? Shockingly, no. I mean, I've done like 200 of these now, and I've had two experiences of a guy too drunk, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't know how we haven't had a problem yet, but we just haven't.

That's great. Yeah. That's fun, man. But it's also, I don't have young fans. They're all, like, kind of mature, like, 35 to 50-year-olds. They're not, I'm not really... You're saying that I'm not pulling out, like, young delinquent kids that would be fun and might bring slutty friends that I could sleep with.

What do you think we have young hot chicks coming to our shows? Our fans are dying by the day. Yeah, dude. I got to look out and just see a guy without his wife. Oh, bad. Hey, what happened? gone. Yeah, that's never a fun crowd work.

Dude, dude, the reason why I love that shit is because you're making the road fun. You know what I mean? Like, you know, you work in these clubs or whatever you, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, two, Friday, two Saturday. Blah, blah, blah. They come in, blah, blah. What you're doing is fucking every day is some different thing, a different place. People have to find places to park.

Yeah, yeah. A little bit. Sometimes if you're on a smaller street. Yeah. Now, I'm going to tell, there's no way to duplicate this part on the club. we don't start on time. Like sometimes I show up in some areas,

everyone's just sitting in their chair waiting for me to go and I'm like, all right, if everyone's waiting for me to go, we're going to go. Sometimes everyone's hanging out we'll start the show

an hour, hour and a half late. It's like going to a barbecue. Yeah, everyone's hanging out outside. Like, my philosophy is I don't want to shut down fun. Like if everyone's otherwise having fun. It's so weird because that's my philosophy. Yeah.

To shut down fun? To not shut down. Yeah, it's like if everyone's hanging out, I don't need a... It's like you ever go to like a house party in a certain point. clicks and it becomes that thing.

We were like, oh, this is one of the greatest parties of all time. You're doing that, but with stand-up. A little bit, yeah. Because we just, we hang out. Sometimes I crash at the people's houses. What? Which are the funnest nights because then- You sleep at the people's houses.

That's both. Sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. Dude, the best, I did one in New Hampshire, and this guy had this, like, big mansion, and he had a, like, movie theater room in his house. And so we hung out until, I don't know what time people were hanging out till. but then me and the other comic Men You and Heart

I don't know if you guys know him But we sat in that room To like three in the morning Watching movies at this guy's house Do you want to do one up at my tiny house? I would love to That would be fucking wild dude I have a I have a lot of fans New Hampshire

That shit The basement show I have to talk I have when my house is Is on a road But I have a piece of land up the street That's in an association But they have like a big football field

Right on the lake So we could people could just go down there. Let's do it. And set up a thing. But let me talk to the, because you know, they're fucking whatever.

But if I could put on a comedy show there for the association, and then you can let people in, there's parking, it's right on the lake. Let's do it. I got all the gear. It's fun.

It's easy to do. Dude, I'll fucking do that. Is there any way I can get on the show? No. You can head on it. You can, whatever you want on me, yes.

It'd be funny if I don't go. I just watch. And they're judging you. Yeah, I just got to sit there and have a panic attack the whole time. Well, I do. I love it, man. I love that you're fucking it up. And you're just making, I did that for one year when all the, like, I was doing great.

And then the club stopped using me because I wasn't selling. So I just went out and did shows at rock venues. I just went, rented a rock venue. They gave me the door and they took the booze. And I would just go to the same town that the club wasn't using me. And I'd just go do a fucking little shithole. And I loved it. You're in the fucking green room.

There's stickers from bands and people with fucking blood on a cushion. And it was just the shit. You go out. The stage is right there. Everybody's around you. The ceilings are low. I had the fucking. And then you jump in the car that night and go to the next gig.

I loved it, man. I think it's awesome. I wish more. I wish I could do that more. Yeah. That's why I try and do, because it's nice to stay in a hotel room for two nights. You don't have to pack out.

Yeah. So usually the first night of the run, I'll drive to whatever the second city is so we can stay there for two nights. That's great, dude. Good for you. I'm going to try to hook that up. I'm doing a front yard tour. And it's classic.

This is, it's classic. This is a new. Black tie. Black tie. Okay. It's really nice. Wow.

It's, I'm doing it at $175 a head. $175. But it's a, you know, I'm going to have a girl there with a harp, the whole thing.

A harp? She's going to like his people mull over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, is it going to be valet? Yes. Val, okay. Yeah. I got to tell you're on to something,

because I did, usually I thought, I'm a backyard guy. We got to be in the backyard. And then I did one show in San Jose, which was on the guy's front lawn. And I didn't know this when I was showing up, but it was his retirement party. And he put out this big barbecue spread. The entire neighborhood showed up. Like literally the entire neighborhood, it was like going out to the street. That was one of the fun of shows I did of the whole tour.

Did the kids show up? Oh, do you say adults only? I mean, I put it out. They're adults only. Every once in a while someone email account, can I'm like, no. like this is this is an adult thing i'm not caught and then someone asked me like uh people ask me about their dogs can i bring my dog and my feeling is like i'm not i don't i'm not the host of the house i don't want to have to call them and be like can you bring a dog you know your dog if you've got

a dog that's going to sit down next to you and be cool the whole time then bring your dog yeah but nobody wants to be on stage fucking doing an act and looking at a dog shitting yeah but here's the thing if somebody gets bit at a comedy show i think it's fantastic that's great i think we've We've moved the art form up a little bit. What else? Besides your front yard tour, how many dates is that, by the way? I'm doing, and this is hard to even say, but I've got 750 dates. Wow.

You're setting. You know, I thought I had the record for porches, but it sounds like you're going to. So you're working for a two years. Not even get, not even leaving Jersey. It's all Jersey? Yeah. You're going house to house? Jersey, pretty much.

Yeah. I mean, one block is a cul-de-sac. And I got seven different dates there. Fucking wild. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. And of course, you have anything else to play? You want to plug Lou's book?

Yeah. You're in a lot. No, I'm only in the back of the book. I only read the back of the book. Yeah. No, you're in it a lot. David Tells in it. I mean, every...

David Tell, Colin Quinn. Lou is so great. Every comic that you love is in this book. And it is such an interesting... Well, people don't talk about death. People do not. talk about death or afterlife. I like people with the very

simplest afterlife. When they're like, yeah, I'll get in a house. My brother will be in the same heavenly place as me. He'll probably be down the street. You're like, really? So you're, you know. What do you think happens when you die, Ronnie? Just blackness. Just total

blackness. And a feeling of falling. Just forever? Oh, yeah. Just falling backwards. Do you permanently kind of know that you died? Or it's just a moment? So like, I can't believe I fucking died. You're just falling and falling. Forever.

Yeah. What if I die and I just go back at time and become that bartender again? Well, time is, well, you don't, you know, it's a flat surface, you know. There's no way that time even exists. So not only could you go back and experience in that, but you're experiencing it right now in a different part of this whole reality. Multiverse. That is, yeah, that is happening.

Now there's somewhere that you're an overweight bartender. You know, it would be more interesting is if they permanently cured fatness and so you were incapable of respawning. That would be so weird. Yeah. If like you went up and they're like, sorry, your role was always to be a fat guy and they don't have those anymore so we can't send you back. I love the new Star Trek where I love Jeannie Ashire, but she's a gym teacher on Star Trek,

but she's fat. And I'm like, in the future, they did not cure. There's no carb problem in the future. They just say, yeah, let's go. All right. Go to my website, punchup. com. I'm going to be all over the place.

I got a bunch of gigs coming up. We're going to go to patreon.com right now. We have questions from the fans specifically for these guys. So if you ever want to ask the people on the show, a question, go there, join up. It's the price of a cup of coffee. And that's it. I don't really raise the prices, right, guys? Right.

I'm paying any attention. They fart, they get called. Yeah. Yeah, they're fucking writing stuff down over and over again. Make sure you go, Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff, and I'm going to be headlining in Syracuse, New York, and then also in Bimmington, New York, February 21st and 22nd.

You're headlining? Yes. Like a club? Don't tell. Okay. Are you going to close out with the fish? No. Have you seen that, Ron?

Danny can you please tell Ronnie what it's one of my favorite I do a thing I've done it like four times ever where I wear a fish head and do stand up from the perspective of a fish as what Danny fish Danny bass Danny bass they're stupid like one-liner so like I'll be like my wife's on our period so if anyone's interested I have half off caviar and like you know that's a fucking great joke you know what I mean it's like if like Stephen Wright was a fish you know what I mean Joe, what are you got? Hey, this is Joe Russell. Check out the Cheese Show on YouTube. Also, headlining Uncle Vinnie's February 19th, Thursday. Sweet. All right, that's it, guys.

Thanks for coming on. That was really fun. And go see Robert Kelly live on tour. He's going to be in Cincinnati, Ohio, February 12th, and Columbus, Ohio, February 13th, and 14th, and Batavia, Illinois, February 27th, and 28th. Yeah, go see me there. And follow me on Instagram,

at Zachary Unlimited. I'm not headlining anywhere. Yeah. I mean, dude, I don't. But he shows up like a ghost. Yeah. He's competing with them to be more autistic.

He wants to be the silent autistic. But he's been here for a year. He doesn't even know what button to turn on. That's fucking Comanchee style. I mean, nobody knows. All right. We're going to go to the Patreon right now for your questions. We'll see you guys next time.

I'm on, you know what, dude.