Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #630 | Pete Lee, Matthew Broussard, Dean Edwards

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

This week on YKWD Pete Lee, Matthew Broussard, and Dean Edwards join the pod to talk marriage, divorce, & Bobby makes a big announcement Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? We're back with another episode of YKWD.

You can tell. We have a new producer in there. We just push the button again. But that's okay, Corey. You don't have to be sorry. But if you do say sorry, don't say it with attitude. His name is Cody. Cody.

Sorry. Sorry. See how I said sorry? Isaac. What's up? We're back. And we got a great show for you tonight. One of our players, is that what we call them?

One of the guys on the podcast tonight, it's dick heavy tonight. We're dick heavy a lot. We got a lot of... A lot of penis. Danny, who do we got? We have Dean Edwards. Hang on, Danny. You can't scream.

You got to take your mouth away from the microphone, a little bit. Go ahead. We have from Saturday Night Live, Dean Edwards. We have from his new special called Hyperblic. I'm fucking it up already. Matthew Broussard. Yeah, you got it. And coming soon is going to be Pete Lee.

Pete Lee is late. hopefully something didn't catch on fire that's terrible I'm sorry he didn't hear it so he's I fuck him he's not here yet I love Pete Lee everybody um it's funny we were talking it's always funny because anytime you do a podcast

like before the show starts we always start talking about like good shit yeah and then it's like dude just wait for the mics I almost wish like we would just like not talk until you know what I mean it's such a stupid thing to sit wait for the way

Not for the show. But there's truth to, as wild as Tracy was, Tracy Morgan used to always say, don't, don't pee too soon. You got to save it. Save it, save it for when the cameras roll.

Everybody can do it Tracy, but only you and, like, Jay Moore can do a good Tracy. He's the best. Tracy, why is Tracy? Tracy is dope to do because if you know him,

see, that's the difference. Like, Jay and I know we came up, with Trey. And so we know his mind goes everywhere, right? Most people when they do Tracy, they do this thing where they make them sound like something from Brad and Albert. And they just have him say silly things. But you know, you came up in Boston Comedy Club up to our comedy club. You know this dude talking about, listen, you got, I used to like violating them them, you know, 20-year-old college students that went to NYU. We go out to Hawaiian Dance, go to their house. We go to that house

and then I mess around and ramcock him in the rectal cavity. And we in the back of the club like the audience is staring like what's happening but comics are in the back dying because like this dude's going there. Dude, he

said the craziest shit to me one time. We were in a hotel lobby and he walked up like three, four deep. And he's like, yo Bobby. He goes he goes off he goes, I'll finger fuck my wife before I leave the house. It reminds me of my son.

And he went, oh, I missed that boy. Smelled his fingers. He goes, I missed that boy. I was like, what the fuck? In a hotel lobby, like there's regular people around. He just doesn't give a fuck. I like discharge. I remember he was walking around, like, for a month just walking around.

I said, I like discharge. Remember he was into C-sections? I like strippers with, with, Bullet wounds and C-sex and scars. That's like a roadmap. That's like a roadmap to joy. But you guys are talking before, which is interesting. Like the whole, you're talking about auditions and shit.

Yeah, Matthew has a great voice for voiceoveracting. You do. He has a great voice. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you both very much. Yeah. I've been told, I remember late in high school, people started saying I had a nice voice.

and then in the film industry, I thought it would be easy, and I get auditions, but they kind of don't want too masculine of a voice because we're all like, you know. It's not our time.

It's not our time anymore. We had a good moment. We had a good, like, a couple thousand year run, and now we're like, we don't need some, like, deep voice men telling us what to do. We want, like,

the voice auditions will be like, throw it away. Alpha Romeo, buy our car, or don't, whatever. We're not trying to, like, put you around. Right. Whatever, girl.

The fact that you are masculine, tells us where we're at. I'm just saying. I agree. But, but... Your voice is too masculine for us. It's too much like a Navy SEAL. I thought you were gay for the first three years I knew that.

I gave him four. Tracy gave him five. When you told me you had a wife, my jaw hit the ground. I was like, is that what you call him now? You're married, dude. I'm married. To a woman. To a woman.

And you're happily married. Happily married. Being either 10 years, been married for less than a year. Oh, wow. Congrats, man. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's a comic. Are you married? Yeah, you married?

Am I married, dude? I'm Shawshanked. I've been my wife since, uh... What did you call it? Shawshanked. Doing a bid. I'm doing a bid like... Every night he's slowly trying to dig his way out behind a picture. Yeah, Morgan Freeman narrates my every move in my house. No, yeah, we've...

I've known my wife maybe two years longer than I've known you. I met my wife in 93. We started dating 95. Oh. And we've been married. We've been married 23 years this summer. Okay. I want to talk about this with married guys. Okay.

I'm surprised I didn't invite you to the wedding. Everybody was there. I'm not. My bad. You've never liked me. Oh, come on, man. Listen, I used to, let me tell you so, Bobby used to run through shorties. This dude, when this dude showed up in New York City with the, with the, with the,

with the pompadour and the white t-shirts and the leathers, I was like, oh, this dude, he's getting everybody. Spider-Man fucking... Remember all the games, man. No, we're talking women. Not, but I'm comfortable in my manhood and my masculinity. I can give another man a compliment and say, yeah.

No, Bobby was that dude where when certain cats, like you, D.C. Benny. Dove. D.C. Benny. Dove. D. D. D. D.

D. Yeah. Yeah. was mysterious too yeah but dove came at like a paperback in his back pocket right right you know quoting nieti and shit yeah

he got pussy with like fucking Shakespeare yeah dove was like the equivalent of a dude walking around with a guitar on his back yeah oh he was not too long ago dead a straight up model oh that's yeah that's yeah that's dove yeah dude dove dove

dove was an interesting cat yeah uh he can't he it was it was me godfrey me and godfrey would get a lot of chicks together, me, you know. Artie, Artie, but Artie was... Artie was silly, though.

I was silly as shit. Yeah. You know, me and Goughrey, but then I remember it was Keith, we would, you know, we would, but then it was then when, when, then Steve Byrne, I remember one nice, Steve Byrne and Dove, and Garfrey was on another level at some point.

Like, Gawfrey would try to fuck chicks I was with. And he would, he wouldn't, he'd be like, what are you doing? He'd like, ah, my bag, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just this good-looking that I can't help. They came up to me.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it was good back in the day, but now we're married. Right. Why is it that our... Why is it to our wives not want anything to do with us?

Because they're done with us. How long have you been married? I've been married 18 years. And how long have you been together? 30. Yeah. 30 years is a run, man. She doesn't want to...

Your wife is happy. you're not home right now. I know. Yeah, same with mine. But here's the thing with us, is that we have that beginning when we get them, we're the shit,

and I know this is, you have probably no problems with this. You probably had sex this afternoon. I did. With that voice. But usually once a week. Okay. Once a week.

A little more than months a week. Okay. But there's a point where when I look at my wife, like, I know she does, she wants to nothing to do with me. But it's like, okay, at the beginning, we're smoking hot, blah, blah, blah,

with the fucking it, and then, okay, but then in the middle you have a kid, the shit, you know, we get, I got a little chubby and blah, blah, blah, and I know it dies off. But I'm kind of getting my shit back in my 50s, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of, I'm getting my, my, I said, you look, you look, you have the, you have the, you have the distinguished adult, but still, you have the distinguished, like, rock star look where, like,

as, as rock stars get older, they wear the leather, but it's not the uncomfortable like when you see like a Mick Jagger and leather pants you like stop you know put on slacks right I mean you can still be cool but the tight leather but you have an appropriate

leather jacket I have a Fonzie leather You have a Fonzie leather You're also well-groomed Yeah well yeah well I look My point is is though it's like I'm on this second half where guys kind of pick it up again

Not all guys but a lot of guys pick it up again From 50 to like 65 70 we'll have together again for another 10, 15 years. And I'm in that point now, but I think my wife is done. Is done? So is there a thing where we can get a,

look, you want nothing to do it, my ding ding? A surrogate. Some type of, some type of. There's children in Africa who would appreciate this. Some type of pass. You know what I get, like, look, what I don't know, don't hurt me, don't get age, don't get hurt me.

and if I decide to bang you ever again, you got to fuck me. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Because I kind of, I like want my wife again. But she's tapped out. My mom said that, that she was like,

your father never cheated on me, but if he did and I never figured it out, that'd be fine because it's just sex at that point. And they were together like 40, 50 years. Right. I don't think they care. I honestly think there's a point where I think when you're with somebody, And I see, especially like, you see like an older couple, like, in these 80s.

I'm like, and you just, you have to go to a diner and you just see a couple, and you know they've been together forever, and there's no conversation. Like, he's in his world, she's in her world. I'm like, they look peaceful. I love being with my wife. I love spending time with her. I can't wait to get home to her. I love being in the same house as her.

We get along. I love it. Yeah. And I love her. Yeah. But I don't think she likes my ding-ding. more. Is there any... And what's sad about that is, like,

my wife now will see like random men in their 50s. And like, ooh. Like, men are attractive in their 50s. Almost, like, to a lot of women, a lot of age ranges of women. So it's like someone would want it. Right. I think that men never not want their penis touched.

How much you think Hillary Clinton when she heard about the Lewinsky blowjob was like, well, at least someone was doing it. That fucking relationship between those two? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's got to look in the mirror and go over there. I get it. I get it. Go ahead.

Do you, but just don't bring it home. Whatever you do, don't let it come out and put, damn it, you know, and then it came out in public. Yeah. I think a lot of celebrities have that kind of, like, rule. There's got to be a thing where they, I think we should start a movement. Okay. Where we're like, hey, look, I'm not going to, I'm not going to, you're never going to know. You're never going to know.

You know the problem with that, though? What? Somebody's. If she might be fine, not known, but somebody will yap. The girl. The girl will yap. And if not the girl, the girl might be sworn to secrecy, but if she mentions it to anybody else,

they're going to, they're going to mention it to someone. I don't want an open relationship. Right. I don't want you fucking. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. And I don't want, I don't want to bring anybody home. Right.

I just want to have a dalliance. Oh, that's a good word. That's a mature. What is that word? Dallions. I've never heard that word. Yeah, that's maturity right there. That's maturity.

You know what I mean? Just touch my ding-dang and we go home. Dallions. Or it's shut down. Well, what about, if you just want your ding, what about just going to like a massage problem? Yeah, I know. But it's not the same, though.

I don't know. There's something about a fucking 52-year-old Asian woman with a flat ass and yoga pants that doesn't turn me on, you know what I mean? You raise a valid point. Yeah, I don't want to. Yeah. I feel bad about that.

It's their own. Yeah, I mean, she's got kids somewhere. Right, right. You know what I mean? This poor lady's going to sit there and fucking whack me off and put a finger on my butt. I mean, I'm sure she's not into that. But, you know, a nice 28-year-old chick in Jersey. Now, let me ask you, was, do you find, say, a 28-year-old?

Yes. Okay. Because my daughters are both in the, like, low 21 to 24. And so I was talking about this with John Lasseter about a month ago at the table. And I saw like some young shorties and they were talking like Derek Gaines or like the younger comics. And I said to him, I said, son, I said nothing about them is a joke. I see that they're pretty, but it did nothing for me. Now, if I had my choice, I would go with like an older woman, like 30s, the 30s.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I like that. I like a nice cancer freckle. Everybody knows that. You know what I mean? But the problem is if a young 20-year-old hot chick likes me, there's something wrong with her. Right. You know what I mean?

I'm a thing. Right. She's, you know what I mean? You go into it knowing what it is. Yeah, I'm a fetish. She wants an old, fuck it. She wants to fucking old sloppy dude. Yeah.

But, you know, a chick, you know, late 30s, early, you know, she gave up. Yeah. Someone that has a 401K. Somebody who has a job, some type of dog, a divorce or something like that. she's been battle tested. Well, I mean, look, I don't mind somebody who knows what they want, but I have to come to the terms. I've been thinking about that.

Like, I might never have my ass eat never again. I might never... You know what I'm saying? I wish Pete Lee was here just to see his innocent face next to that has statement. You know what I mean? Like, that might never happen. That's probably never going to happen again. If only we had like a make-a-wish for...

Men in long-term marriages. It is. It's a sex is something you have to kind of come to terms with at one point. Unless you're gay. Those guys keep up in a whole while. I'll tell you this. Like I said before, I don't think that guys never,

they always want their dick suck. And I think a lot of these old dudes, you ever see that shit? A lot of old dudes are out there. I don't think they're gay. I think they're just going for the easy, fucking low-hanging fruit. No pun intended.

I think, I think they're just like, I'm just going to go down to the park and get my dick sucked with some twink. You know what I mean? It doesn't count if I don't open my eyes. Yeah, if I don't fucking, you know, if I don't get crazy,

as long as we don't kiss, I'm fine. As long as I don't hear him go, I'm like, oh, I do. Yeah, yeah. I don't go see a movie with him. You know what I mean? Where are you going? The movies again?

With that old guy? I mean, I don't know. Mr. John? Because I, like, if it was a thing where I don't, I love my wife so much. Right, right. And then, you know, I read books on it. It's like, you know, you got to.

That's funny. I think, I think that's true too. I think we all, I think when you dig, and you can tell you, you love your wife, but you like her. I like her and love her. You know what I mean? No, but like the love is apparent because you're married, but when you, when you rock with somebody, when you're like, you know, I like just kicking it with her. I love it.

If she's around you, that means she's funny. That means she has a point of view. She's a lot of fun, you know. She's my fucking soulmate. Right, right. But, you know what I mean? I asked you if we have sex. I go, we ever have a sex again?

She goes, we will. Oh, gosh. She's your fucking soulmate, but she's not your soul fucking mate. Right. Well, we were. I feel like, I feel like we, in order for us to have sex, it's got to be a thing now. A schedule.

We've got to get a babysitter. She's going to have to put on something sexy. I don't want that. How long? How often? I want to fucking hand you out while you're looking at me in the eye. Right. You know what I mean?

Right. I want to be just sitting there in the bed under my Kikiko blanket. Yeah. And just you grab my stomach you. Yeah. You know what I mean? This is awkward because you're looking at my eyes when you're saying this. Sorry with that.

I got two in the characters. He did. How often you all fuck? Huh? How often you're all having sex? What? See, how long you've been married? Oh, he said, less than a year.

Yeah, dude. It's, come on in Pete. Hey, Pete. Yeah, dude. How old are you? 37. Yeah, dude. You're in the, look, you're on the best stage of it.

You're in the best stage of a marriage. Because you're young. It's hopeful. Yeah, you got a lot of fun things. You know what I mean? Peteley, everybody. Hey there. Peteley, two divorces.

There's a guy who fucking, they stop touching his ding-ding. Right? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's what they do, because they build resentments. because they'll never say that they're wrong about anything and they're mad at you. It's what happens. It's really, really fun.

They stop eating your ass, right? Yeah, well, I didn't want that to begin with. I'm the team no ass eating. Yeah. Your team no ass eating? Yeah. Well, what team? No.

No. Okay, well, hey. Do you like it? Do you like so a little? Oh, my God. I like a nice milking from behind. I love your dice clay sunglasses. I love them so much.

I want you to go, I like a little milking from behind. What sucks is that? I'm roasting. Matthew, I know you are, but Matthew already is. Matthew, I love that. He announced it. Matthew can't get, jump on because he was like, I love your glasses before you came in.

Oh, really? He has to just be like, I like them. Yeah, no, I do really like them. They're really stylish. They're like a Gucci. They're really nice. Jacques Marie is a little better than Gucci. Gucci's are only 500.

These are thousands. Jacques Marie, they're an underwater diver from the 80s. They're Jacques Cousteau's, actually. Pete Lee came in hot. Sorry. You know, listen, Pete Lee, people think Pete Lee's nice.

He's not. Is there Marquis de Sade? Peelie's a vicious man. I love your Shams de Lisze. Your baguettes. I love them. Speaking of baguettes, I do like my asses.

That's a callback right there Can we call Can we call ass eaters baguettes Yes Yes we can I think you came up with a new New slang Yo you're a baguette

How you doing Pete? I'm doing well I'm late as shit I was on the D train You know when it goes like Five miles an hour And you're like this Nothing's gonna happen

The way it should tonight Yeah well I got on the train Tonight somebody jumped I'm fucking terrified Of the train right now Oh, yeah, because of Iran, right? No. Didn't they bomb him Donnie's house or something?

Oh, did they? No, they tried to throw a bomb. Yeah. They tried to throw two bombs. I think they called... At the protesters, right? They're called... The name of it is hilarious, too.

They name these bombs, which is funny. And they're terrifying names. It's like Dane Cook specials. They're just terrifying. The vicious circle! Death from above! But, uh, They tried to throw two bombs into the protest against Mandami.

They were protesting in front of us. It's so funny, too. They can't just protest and, you know, it signs something. They got a whole pig, a whole fucking roasted pig and brought it in front of the mansion. And he's Muslim. He's like, come on, guys. You're a little heavy-handed, you cock-zogsog. They didn't have enough help too because they could barely carry this fucking pig.

I feel like, Mondami would be like, I'll help you carve it. He's just so, I'll help you shovel. I'm not practicing. Pretty secular guy. He's just so affable. Is he? We'll see. He didn't call these guys terrorists.

He was like, look, man, we've got to stop these fucking protests. They found out his wife liked, like, what was it, October 8th? She liked the posts from people who are celebrating the Jews getting killed, and she had a nice heart next to all of them. And then he got called on. He's like, well, she's not, you know, she's a private citizen. And we were all like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Can I just say if you found all of the things I liked online,

I would be locked in a cell under the ocean. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. We'd be calling you a baguette. Future baguette. Yeah, no, the subway is, I mean, I've lived here for 30 years. I've never been afraid of the subway. But today I went down, somebody jumped in front of the...

What happened, Danny? Somebody jumped in front of the train? Yeah, Cody was on the same train. someone jumped in front of one of the trains and fucked up. Did they die? Was that one of my train was going slow? Yeah. Yeah. So somebody jumped in front of the train, which still to me I'm like,

oh, get the body off the fucking tracks and let's go. I mean, you're in New York. That's what we do. There's like a spot between the tracks. Yeah. You can just kind of... Yeah, but how about go kill yourself with a gun or hang yourself? Or a pill. Yeah, why are you going to fucking jump in front of a train? And ruin the commute. And it's not a guarantee, by the way.

Everybody who gets jumped in a train, you might live. And if you're living, now we have to wait and if you're going to die and we have to back up that train of your organs all we're going to call your family. We've got to ship that they get to say goodbye. It's very selfish. It's selfish. Jump in front of something that we don't use. Jump in front of

the Staten Island ferry. Something we don't care about. Nobody cares. Yeah, dude. Jump in front of one of those buses to Jersey. Yeah, exactly. The N-71 or whatever it is that goes to Hoboken.

I've always, I tried to do a Sorry, yesterday on the path train right by my... You don't need to talk... Danny. You don't have to talk like this into the mic. You're not a black comic from the late 90s. Yo, motherfucker, what's up? DJ cut it!

What's up, hit it. Go ahead. Yesterday, someone did, on the path train to Jersey, someone was in between cars, and they fell in between when these train started and they got crushed. Oh, God. Ficked everything up there, too.

Oh, they fell. But his Jersey Sun, someone came? I think for suicide, though, I think people need to start getting more creative. There's so many cool things you could do. Right? There's so many people you could take out if you were willing to go yourself. Listen, listen. I like that you're talking the exact opposite.

Why did they kill all those people? Just kill yourself. And Matt's like, no, dude. Well, there's select individuals. If you're going to do it, push them out. If you're going to hug some dynamite against somebody you really hate. Well, I think that if you're going to kill yourself, Don't go to cutting the wrist.

Don't go the hang on the self. Don't do the train. Something fucking unique that we're all going to be like, what? Yeah. That leaves them more. Go on a fucking great white shark tour. And as the chum of the waters, as the shark goes, ha, jump the fuck in.

Oh, yeah. Jump in and go, I hate my life. And jump in and just watch your fucking torso get bitten half. Yeah, then you get the experience of getting eaten. Like, who gets that? Plus the research they get to do. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of research that would be done, like, scientifically.

Jump into a volcano. A volcano. Fucking volcano would be the shit. It would be great. Tom Hanks would be. Yeah. Yeah. What else?

What else we got? You hear the, those are the French scientists who got beheaded, and he told, this is a while back, like, centuries ago. Okay. He told his assistant. He told his assistant. He forgot to pay his taxes. They're pretty brutal there about that. I love that he brought it up like it happened a week ago.

It's so fucking centuries ago. We got a reader over here. But he told the assistant. He brought his book with it. with him to let us know. He said, count how many times I blink after my head hits the floor. I'm going to see how many times I can blink before.

Really? I never do anything else again. How many times? It was like 14. What? Wow. So he's still alive. So the nerves.

The nerves are still interesting. If I got beheaded, I'd say all the words I can't say. I don't even believe in those words. Right before they cut it, as soon as he cut his head off, he'd be like, I love my ass eating. I'm a baguette. Baguette. I'm a bagu bagu, I love a bagu bagu bagu.

I have oh I gotta I gotta I gotta do this too Danny should I have an announcement I want to make I'm sure are you allowed to make it back up back up Danny just a little yeah I I I don't know yes and no I mean I'm it's it's pretty fucking amazing um

you know I was blessed a couple years ago to be able to take over for Dan Soter on the bonfire and I know, you know, look at Dan and Jay were the best. It was the best chemistry. And I wish I never had, I never was put, I never asked because I wanted that show to go on forever because it was so unique and so beautiful. And I took, you know, a lot of the, not a lot of, some of the fans are like, fuck that, you know, and they give me. But a lot of the fans embraced me.

And I love it. And I love doing the show. And the show is great with Jay. And he's one of the funniest guys ever. And recently, uh, I've been asked. to take Dave Smith spot on the skanks. Dude, I was wondering who was going to do that. And look, it was a thing that's been going on,

and I was like, I don't know. I got the bonfire, blah, blah. And, you know, he was like, well, you know, I have the bonfire, I do it. And I was, and it was like, look, man, you're one of the, you know, the reason why the podcast started and you'd be a great addition to it.

And at first I was kind of like, I don't want the fans and they're going to be like, fucked at. You got to get this guy and that guy. and I'm sure they asked other people that said no, whatever. I'm not probably the first person. You guys turned it down, right? I didn't, we turned it down.

Danny, did you turn it down? But I want to announce, I am going to be taking Dave Smith's place on Legion of Skanks, and I am very happy, and I hope that you guys are happy to. And, you know, I know some of you aren't going to be, and that's okay. You know, but I am pretty excited about that. this. It's going to be... That's really cool. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. They're like to have you.

I mean, I'm on fucking 90 podcast right now. Okay. But it's, I, you know, this, I was there when they did it. They started it. I used to go on it. I'm very proud of them and Dave is going on his way. And, you know, I'm excited about it. It's funny because you don't

see this Bobby often, but when you see it like, oh, it's like you can actually see how humbled you are by the opportunity. And it was really sincere. You were going direct to camera, and I was like, who's he talking to? And I was like, oh, the people. Yeah, the people. You're talking to the people.

That was very sincere. And when I saw Dave Smith's announcement on it, I was wondering who was going to take over. I'm also glad that you announced before Ari made some bullshit announcement that he's the replacement. Right. Well, Ari can't. He's moving to London. Oh. Yeah, he's moving to London.

I'm sure Shane can't do it because he's Shane. It's the biggest comic in the world right now. But, yeah, it's going to be. fucking, it's going to be epic. It's going to be fun and, you know, I'm excited. Dude, that's honestly the perfect fit. I've been thinking about that a lot.

Yeah. The younger, newer, Dave. Yeah. Dave's not a bad guy. No, but Dave's a good guy. What if you turn really political like Dave did? That's my plan. Non-interventionism.

That's my plan. It's an isolationist nation. I'm going full Trump. Wait a minute. That's what they are already. I'm going to go. I'm going to go full left-wing liberal. I'm going full left-wing. I think you should.

Like, I'd wear Hillary shirts. Not that far. Jesus Christ. No, not like women president. Convinces AOC to come on as a guest. I'm not going to break a ceiling. Imagine if you did get AOC to come on. How interesting would that be?

I see an injustice. I guarantee Lewis Foxer. That is his type. Yeah, he'd walk up, he'd go, you want to suck my dick? He should be like, I don't know. Do I? Yeah, he just walked up and say, I'm going to fucking eat you busy.

He'd do it. Yeah, he has Patrice techniques. It just works. I don't know why. Is he a bad, like serious closer? He's a closer, man. He's a closer, man. He's a kid's a closeer.

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I'm a closer. Pete, you are a full-fledged, what Patrice used to call, piece of shit. You are a card-carrying member of piece of shit. Pete, no one's falling for it. Do you know what? Do you remember, so I met Patrice at Montreal, and you guys were in the back of the room, and Kat Williams was like my friend at Montreal. Was he really?

Yeah, I met him in the van, and he's like, Hey, man, I just, you know what, it's something about you. I love your whole. style, this whole goody, goody thing you're doing, I like it, but I know you got her dog's eye. I've read 17,000 books today. He, he, uh,

I was in the van and he's like, what are you doing? I was like, new faces, and he's like, are you nervous? I was like, yeah, I'm terrified. And he goes, okay, I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, I'm doing the gala at the, whatever the, the, Jean-Jacques, whatever. Jacques-Marie's. Jacques-Marie.

The, he was doing the gala at Robbie's sunglasses, what that's named. Did you call me Robbie? Is that with an IE? Bobby? Yeah, sorry. I'm on Legion of Skanks now. Can you please respect that? I am a member of the Legion.

He, uh, yeah, so, but he was like, oh, like, and he's like, where's your manager? I was like with Mike Barbigula. And he was like, so you don't have anybody to be with you? And I go, no. And he goes, I'll be with you. That is crazy, though. Yeah, I walked into the green room with him. And he was like, I was like, hey, guys, do you guys know Kat Williams?

And by the way, I didn't know him at that point. It was 2005. And so I walked in the green room, I didn't know him. Everyone else, it's like, it's like John Mullaney. it's like all these guys and Reggie Watson. I'm like, hey guys, this is my friend Kat. And they're like, they just fucking fell in line. And I think I affected their sets and I killed.

But he introduced me. So we came up and Patrice, I have this picture of Patrice getting into the van. And then you're with him. And I had one of those Sony cameras that like has a song when it starts. It was like, boopoooo-be-poo-de-l-l-l-l-l-l. And I was like, I was like, God, Bobby's going to kill me. This is after we worked together in Tampa. And I was like, I was like, no.

And he goes, he doesn't want to take a picture with you. And Patrice was like, no, no. And he was being really nice to me. You go, if he's being nice to you, that means he really doesn't like you. And Patrice, I'm going to say a word. Patrice goes, no, I like this guy. Watch the set. He goes, he knows exactly what's retarded about him.

He's like, he's so kind of stupid. And I am, I am a lot of other things, but I am so kind of stupid. But that was the best compliment ever from Patrice. And anyway, and you were part of it. Well, thank you, man. I've never had somebody famous take me under their wing. What? Where was your manager, though? Like, I don't want that. I'm like... So it was Rick Dorfman. You guys remember Rick? Of course I know Rick. I love Rick. And he had Mike

Barbiglia. And so Mike was doing all the... What year was this? 2005. Wow. Like Comedy Central was still in that. I think I was there in 06. Oh, I went 06. I wish we would have been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what year did you do New Faces, 2050? No, I did New Faces, 01, but then I went back in 06. The difference between our sets is more difference than there is.

now. Oh, you didn't do good? No, I meant time-wise. It's 11 years to 15 and Nintendo's 2-5. Did you kill? Did you kill on your new faces? I did fine. Brent Moran gave me advice, which was no one's going to watch if you go over the time.

No one's watching the timer, so do whatever you need to do to have a good closer. And I was like, that's good advice. No one's going to take it away from you for running light by two minutes. That's terrific. Did you go over, do you think? I definitely did. We're like two minutes over.

And then I hosted new faces this year. And then one of my friends is, and I gave them that advice. And I was like, oh, that was way too long. They went like four, five minutes over. Like, oh, everyone noticed that one. That's funny. They did their set, and then they went into their new gala. I think this is my gala now.

Did you do new faces? No, they wouldn't bring me up for new faces. I was always kind of dirty. I was a little dirty. I remember, I think, three years in a row, they just denied me. and then Matt Frost, my agent at the time I was like, dude, you gotta go up

to a comic strip. I go, no, I'm fine. I'm doing colleges. I'm at the cellar. I'm at Boston. I don't need rejection in my life right now. He's like, fucking, he wants to see you. It was Robbie product at time.

So I go up to comic strip and I look at the... This is 2019, by the way. I had to do the math before I left. So I go and I have a set of the seller. I have to, because he's a math genius. I have a set of the seller. And that's more important to me than this fucking thing.

Because I've done it. I know you're not going to pick me. It's a fucking rejection. Wait and happen. I got a spot at the seller that I'm going to go fucking have fun at and make money. I got to go. And they got me a time and they put me so I can go make my spot. Because going way to fuck.

The strip is far. When you work here, going to the strip at Dangerfield is a nightmare. But I'm like, great. I go in, they have Gerard Kelly in my spot. Remember him? Gerald Kelly? Gerald Kelly. Black dude, but blue eyes.

Green eyes. Green eyes. Yeah. Like fucking crazy green eyes. Gerard Smalley. So I go in and I'm like, dude, Frosty, I know what the fuck, dude. I got to go. I'm not, I'm not, they had me on the next show.

But the next show is just a show. So Lucian, took his guy Gerard Kelly put him in my spot Kelly, Kelly, whatever I thought nobody would notice Oh, I got you

And I was like, I'm out, I'm fucking leaving And Frost was just hang on, just wait And he went up to Robbie Prach him over with Lucian And Matt was talking about He's like, well, I'll put him, he'll be on the next show first because he's got to go I'll just put him on, he talked like that Yeah, I'll put him on the next show

You talk like a Lucian. Yeah, exactly Yeah, yeah And his finger His fingers were very, they were accentuating everything. You loosely used fingers because I think he was missing a couple by that. He had some disease where his fingers were falling off. He used to wear black gloves.

I forgot they did. But if you knew him back then. The gloves were covered up. Wouldn't just be like random fingers be flopping around more? I don't know if you have fake fingers in there, but it was just weird. So he comes over. Robbie Prock comes out of nowhere and goes, what the fuck going on? Why you?

I want to see you. And he goes, they took my spot. They gave it to this guy. So Gerard Kelly's right there. Gerald Kelly's right there. They gave my spot. I pointed it to him. To Gerald?

Yeah. And also, just so, you know, Gerald is, Gerald, at least back then, had a short fuse. So go ahead. Yeah. Well, it was like, fuck, I don't know who the fuck you are. Right. And Robbie Prock comes over. He goes, I don't know who this fucking guy is.

Gerald? He goes, I came to see him, Robert Kelly. He's going up. Put him on the next show. So Lucian tried to fuck me. You know, Gerald just did what he was told. But this guy tried to fuck me out of my spot to give it to him. So he put me up.

I did my spot. I fucking killed. And then I got, they gave me the nasty show. They wouldn't give me new faces because I wasn't. And, you know, that was too dirty. Nasty show and they gave me a gala. Okay. But that's when the nasty show was a week before.

It was only the nasty show for that week. Right, right, right. All the rest of the festival showed up the next week. So it was me. It was me. Louis C.K. Nick DePaulo, Jim Jeffries, and I believe, Atel. Wow.

I mean, dude, it was the fucking greatest week of my life. Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. I mean, I couldn't believe I was hanging out, and it was just us all week. So I'm walking around talking to Louis during the day. I remember he was talking, his wife's an artist at the time. He was married, and, you know, Louis is just eccentric. We're watching, he's like, have you ever had an apricot? I was like, what?

It's an apricot. Apricot's a great. And he bought a bag of apricots. And I just remember eating out. These are great. I never had an apricot. I was like, no, I just got into apricots for a while. You know, because Louis.

And then I remember I'm such a fucking queen. I'm such a baguette. I went to art school. I was a fucking artist. I went and bought, we were talking about art. And he's like, you should paint again. He was like, you know, just talking to me, give me advice. And Louis CK's, I'm like, oh, my God.

So I went and bought a watercolor kit and I bought watercolors. And I painted the front of Club So. I I the whole street with the theater where it said club soda and I I every day and I had it I go back and paint this watercolor for Louis and I remember I presented it to him the last night and I gave him this watercolor presented it I gave I made this few I'm pretty sure he left it in the hotel oh my god I'm just picturing you with a beret what a what a fucking what a queer roof what a what a queer I'm moving to do. Hey, I painted you this. You motivate. That's so funny. Like, other people have guitars

and I have to put them in the overhead. You have an easel. Dude, I remember years later, I go, hey, where's that painting? He goes, what painting? I was like, I may and Mary? He goes, I don't know. I don't know. Like, I was bothering him.

He knows. He thought. Roth goes in his mansion, probably. You know, people have talked about what Louis did, but nobody's been told about, nobody talks about what's been done to him. That was a real... It was your fault, Bob. You harassed it.

I know, what a fuck. What a fucking, you know what I mean? Like, I thought he was going to frame it. I signed it. I remember I signed it. Oh. I suck. I so wish that somewhere that painting existed.

You know, that's also... Did you enjoy painting it, though? I'm trying to... I did until he rejected it till the vibes I get, then I never paint it again. Until my therapy. got me to do it again, and I made him a painting.

So he had a good week. And then he fucking never put it up. Then when I yelled at him a year later, where's my fucking painting? He goes, and then it was in front of the bathroom. Oh, so he had put it in. Yeah, in front of the toilet. And then he took it down. Can I, all right, can I, I think I know who your therapist is.

And he and I once got into a, I went to couples counseling with somebody I shouldn't have been in a couple with. And he and I have texted, like, we're good. But we got into an argument. But I have, I think that the picture you put up in. front of the toilet that everybody looks at, I think that's a compliment. Like, whenever I see a great picture, I'm like, that should be, that should be the toilet picture. I wanted my picture in the room. You wanted it in the room? It was my head in different emotions. So, but that's your,

that's your ego. That was your ego and your pride. Yeah. Because I agree with, I agree with Pete. I'm like, if he put it in a bathroom, everybody's seeing it. Everybody's seeing it. Yeah. The only way that he'd look at that is if it had a clock in it, because he could just feel like, how much time? Oh, that's the worst. When you look over, I, I, I, I, I used to go in and the clock would be over here and I used to go like this and turn it around on him and he just laughed. I'd be like opening up on my childhood

and I'd see his eyes just go. Yeah. I'd be like, fuck you, piece of shit. Yeah. We got fucking eight more minutes left, motherfucker. Yes. Yeah. I hate the clock look.

And I had a therapist that had it just over like my ear. So they could peripherally, without you realizing it, they could act like they're looking. at you, because I'm not looking at you right now. I'm looking right above it, but it could kind of fade like eye lines on one. Have you ever been to therapist?

Nah. Why do black people not go to therapy? Oh, I just, I don't know. I have no, no, any black... They don't need it. Not one black friend of mine has ever been to this. I have friends that do, but I just, I never have. I've never had a black friend that's so like, I'm going to see a therapist. But I thought he was just going to end. We drink ginger.

I've ever had a black friend. Gingerillill will clear it up. Black people are like, you know, get some ginger. Jerio. Therapy is a white dude thing. It really is. I need to talk to somebody neutral. I used to have a therapist that would take

seven, not exaggeration, seven peas a session and I was very upset because I was eight minutes out of the session of the years. The therapist was a diabetic? He had some condition, but then he would like, I'd get less than an hour because of his peeing. Did you ever say anything to him about it? Yeah, he would say he had a condition, then he wouldn't, he's money

off. Did you tell him you have one, too? He was going to smoke. Dude, he told, yeah, he didn't, he was care about you at all you don't still go to this person do you or is he just in the bathroom right now and you're in a session the um i i like i i've been married twice i've gone to marriage counseling twice i do not believe in marriage counseling because like you go you pretty much go as a man because she stops respecting you right yeah and um and then like oh she's gonna really start respecting me because of the opinion of an old jew like that's like you should respect him like no what a pussy am i that you should you should have suggested you should have suggested

a black woman therapist. Oh. Because you would have, I think you would have, I think you would have at least gotten some, it would have been more down the middle. Either that or ginger ale. Or ginger ale. Yeah,

ginger ale. Just give you ginger ale. All right. What if that worked? What if black people had the secret to fucking mental health and it's ginger ale? What if it's ginger ale and Jesus? I don't know.

Amen and Natalie. We might just need Jesus. I don't know. Just a picture of Jesus on the wall. You're happily married. We're good, yeah. We've done couples counseling. No, you're...

We did couples counseling twice. We did it at the first time with a woman who was actually very similar to my wife, like a very like type A woman in her 30s. And then like, we'd done a couple sessions. My wife wasn't very happy with it. And then we skipped a week. And then we came back and were like, oh, where were you last week? She was, oh, I just got married.

My wife was like, no. No, you can't have an un-married marriage counselor? Oh. No, absolutely not. And then we switched to another guy who was like this. It was like a free one. She got their work. And he's like this blue collar New Jersey guy.

We fucking love that guy. Oh, I like, I like that sounds like he's straight to the point. What you got to do? He's like, he's got to fucking. Sounds enough of nothing, math. It sounds like you're being an asshole in this situation. It's just like, like, enough of nothing.

You ever try eating his ass? Ha! I know you can hold your breath. You were a swimmer. Sorry. I'm just trying to help. I went to marriage. I went to my guy with my wife.

And we did one session. And we got in there. My wife is stoic, you know, type A girl from Boston, doesn't take shit. But we get in there and we start going over the things that, and I went over my shit. You know what I mean? I was like, you know, you should do this and that. And then she just started to open up and cry hysterically. You know, sometimes, and I was like, I'm done.

I'm out. You cry. You win. You're right. I'm a piece of shit. You're going home. I'm coming here every week. It's all me.

Because once you cry, if you cry as a woman, I'm fucking done. She started going, and I'm like, I don't want my wife crying. I'm out. Fuck it.

I'm done. And I'm going ever since. My wife cries every time. She does. Yeah. She doesn't cry. I'm like, crying is good.

It means you got to something like really real. Like we'll be like, oh, shit, therapies and we need to fight about something right now. Oh. Or it's going to be a wasted session.

You've got to get your money's worth. Yeah. We'll be like, oh, We've been doing well. We need to find tension so we can actually like... Hey, why is one tit bigger than the other? What? Oh, shit.

I'm not supposed to say that? No, I like them. I like that. I'm acting like your mom. So hold up. So let me ask, is the point of therapy is to what? Do you all have different perspectives on what the point of therapy is? I'll tell you what my therapy is.

It's a place I can go and be 100% honest with a person and it not come back to fucking if I go to, say, Jim Norton, Voss is going to hear about. it. They're going to yap behind my back. They're going to have some. And then at some point, we're going to get into an argument at the table. Yeah, well, at least I don't like to fucking, you know, put stuff in my ass. He doesn't like, oh, he won't say that. He'd be like, I'm welcome to the club. He'd be like, y'am. Yeah, it's like, you can't go, like, you can't, I don't care who they are and how close they are. You tell somebody something, they're at least telling their girlfriend. Right. You know what I mean? I go to him. It's, it's locked up,

it's done. And I can, so when I fuck up and do something crazy, I can go and, and, and, and, and, get it off my shoulders. But you go, you're not going with your wife. No. You're going solo, okay. I'll know. Have you tried Catholicism? All you want is discretion? I don't trust those guys either. You trust the priest.

You got dirty. They're real back guys, yeah. Right, right. Bobby, I want you to suck my weenie. I know too much about your son. And I know you like it. Yeah, dude, I, like, I don't want my wife to, my wife's cake is baked. It's like, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want,

her to fuck it. I don't want to get into whatever shit she has. I don't want to come home and have her be like, you know, sometimes ah, fuck me. Does she go to her own therapist? No. So it's only your thing. Go fuck yourself. Take out the trash.

She doesn't like, when I get sick, she's like, I remember I was throwing up really bad. She's like, I'm like, honey, she's like, you're good? I'm like, what? You're good. Why do you come in here?

Come in and rub my back. She goes, for what? I'm not your mother. She goes, you're sick. That's what you. You puke when you're sick. When you're done, you know, you're fine. I'll fucking help you out if you need it.

But I'm not getting out of bed. I kind of like that. I like that she's a old tough love. That sounds like a good fit for you though. Because you're like you're a Boston guy and you need that. It's a great fit for me. I'm actually the more sensitive one relationship. Clearly.

He's a painter. He's an artist. Right. I was. I wasn't. got rejected by these two men in my life who are father figures. No, I used to have this joke on my act about it because Alan is one of his things when we first got there was you need to, you need to tell her she hurt your feelings. I'm like, Ray Romano.

Yeah, pretty much. She's with the worst couch. That guy had the worst couch I've ever sat on. That voice would be laughing too much. He sits in the nicest fucking chair ever and you're just in this couch with hard pillows. It's like being in fucking like a rehab. He has a comedy condo couch. He does.

So I said, I'm like, well, you, he goes, next time you get angry at her, don't get mad, take a breath and say, you hurt my feelings. I'm like, you don't know my wife, dude. It's not going to work. No. You don't know any woman. That's like the, it does work. It does. It does work.

But it works in a way that you don't want it to work because next time she got, she pissed me off. I was about to fucking, I love slamming a fridge door or. or cabinet or fucking, you know, and I went, you know what? And she was like, what? Because she was waiting for her. She's waiting for my little Boston temper. I went, you hurt my feelings. She was like,

what? I swear to go to her, what faggot? I could hear Patrice screaming from hell. And laughing. That laugh. Mommy, what are you doing? It stopped her in the tracks, but it was more like, who the fuck is this?

Yeah. What, you know what I mean? That sounds like it would stop the abuse but then encourage way more. Yeah, from her. Because now she thinks you're a bitch. Yeah, she did not, she didn't He did not like that this.

Yeah, well they say that women need love and men need respect and I think that both need both. But I think once a woman stops respecting you, you're done. Yeah, and I've always been, I think one of the reasons why my marriages have failed is because of them, but also because

but also because like I'm a guy that like shares his feelings and like I'll be the one going like no this is how we need to do it like empathy accountability like repair like you're not having any empathy for me and that's they literally go I've got you I've fucking got you I'm the same way but they I'm like both of y'all I'm the sensitive one in the relationships and luckily my wife is still attracted to me I don't know why don't give me wrong I'll tell my wife you shut up high hole you're also attractive continuously so I'm such a kid me and Pete have been going up and down for a couple years I do you get this? I'm worried about you. And I'm like, I'm eating fine. I'm eating and drinking. I get worse. I got nothing. She let me balloon up to 360 and didn't say a fucking word.

Why don't you say you hate me and want me dead? Just taking out more life insurance? Yeah, yeah. Porn full cream in your cereal. Just lying about your weight on the applications. Yeah, but he's a year in. Ten years together. Ten years together, but a year.

Which is not nothing. No, it's like. that Patrice joke. I've been with my girl. My girl's been with me for six years. I've been with her for three months. When you get married, it's the, that's when you, a guy, when you're married, that's when a guy goes, okay,

we're together. Up until that fucking vow, you know, anything could happen. When you say you're the one and you do that vow shit, that you got your guy. I do. Not my wife. She had me locked down immediately. Really? She's very, she's scared. Really?

If you wrong her, she is a very scary person. That is kind of one of the uniformy... Got it, fuckface. You know, she does do comedy, right? So we're talking about a problematic comedian in our community. It's scary to measure. You got divorced twice, so I have to say

if someone calls you an asshole, fuck them. If two people call you an asshole, maybe you're an asshole. It has to be something with you, Pete. Oh, I'm codependent as shit. And like, I... Love bomber, right? Not Love bomber. What the fuck is a love bomber?

Well, a love bomber is actually... To the two men in the room? No. What's a love bomber? Well, a love bomber is the... It's like in the beginning you... I know a lot about it. Let's say that I've been with someone

who's not one of my ex-wives who is a narcissistic abuser. And an empath gets sucked into that. But what they do is they do love bombing, which is like, essentially they create a character out of themselves that is your dream person. And in one case, a gal, she just mirrored my phone. You know, girls will scroll in the bathroom

and, like, get your... They'll just, like, get your face while you're... sleeping and then scroll on your phone. Imagine a woman who got my Apple ID and password and create a separate iPhone. Totally learned me. Again, this is legally speaking. This is not one of my actual life. And like learned every and this was, I found out it was one month in.

I was like, I was like, why are there two of these iPhones in my in my account? It must be a duplicate or whatever. But she was so smart that she even got like the kind of phone that I already had before. And, uh, but yeah, it was, she had a duplicate phone. And so like what they do in the love bombing is. is the more information they can pull out of you and the better they can love bomb you and become this character.

And then they shuffle in like a deck of cards devaluation and abuse. And imagine somebody knowing you that well that they can abuse you like crazy. And so love bombing is like, like I'm somebody that in the beginning when somebody's love bombing me, I'm like, oh my God. Like, let me love you back.

It's an overabundance of them showing you love and everything that they think you want. And for me, it's genuine. And so there's codependence, which means that, like, somebody is abusive to you, and you're still giving them everything. It's like, it's the difference between making a contract with somebody and promises, right? Like, women will be like, will you be there with me forever? And, like, when we're getting late a lot in the beginning, we're like, I'll do anything for you forever. And, like, they'll tell you about their ex-boyfriend.

That's another tactic. Like, my ex-boyfriend would do this. And you're like, I'll never be like him. And then if you ever, if, like, by the way, the reason why I was like that is because you were a cunt. and so he acted that way. And so even when she's being like that, you're like, well,

I'm not going to be like that because I made a promise. So like now I don't make promises. I make contracts. And like I'm learning to become interdependent instead of codependent. But I'm also, I'm having a single year right now.

And so like I had no relationships. Like my psychiatrist, which by the way, you have Alan. So my lady, she was an Afghanistan ground troop. I fucking love. I love her so much.

Like she'll literally give me like, Don't be a pussy. Like that kind of... What branch? Marines. Okay. Well, the last girl clearly worked for the NSA.

Yeah. Yeah, she was... That was insidious. That's crazy. I'm still... My wife works in cybersecurity. I didn't know you could do that. You can do it so easily.

Like, if you can get in... If you can just see somebody's password, get in their phone, it's in the top Apple settings and the top little thing. Well, don't tell these bitches. I don't want my wife to hear this shit. All right. Your wife doesn't. Well, no, mine's good because my password is I was wrong about that thing.

There's no way she'll ever. Admit that. That's so funny. That was really funny. Dan Cook, Dan Cook had it used to have a great bit where he goes, if you want to see,

if your boyfriend's cheating on you, take his phone. If he grabs it, snatches it, throws it on the ground and lights it on fire, he's cheating on you. But I'm at the point now,

I can give my wife my phone. She can have it. There's nothing. You're not going to find shit. As long as you don't type in Sheridan Hotel or any S-H, Maybe a few porns might come up. Yeah, which I mean, I think that's between the lines.

I think it's unreasonable for women to think that you're not going to watch porn. Not that porn. Oh. It was a she-mail joke. Listen. Oh. It's okay. I'm sorry.

I didn't catch it either. The two men caught it. I love you catch me with faggots. I'm sorry. The two love bombers didn't get it. You guys like kissing in your porn. I actually do. I really like it.

It's intimate. I did it. No. But it's, but you, the set, but, okay, but are the girls that you got divorced, were they, uh, in the business? No, no. And like, I'm going to answer questions that legally I can answer. Because I signed like, I signed like agreements.

Right. I won't talk about them. Okay. And. All right. Well, I can, I can answer that question. They don't know. They weren't in the business.

That's not disparaging. Okay. That's good. Well, you, that's the thing is that you don't want to date somebody in the business. That's a hard thing. Oh, yeah. I don't know how comics date other comics. I mean, that's worked out what?

Have you, because y'all are married and you're both comics. Have you found any challenge? Like, I remember when Rich and Bonnie, I was like, I was always curious the dynamic. Yeah, that's never worked out. Still, to this day, it's not working out. Yeah. For Bonnie. Bonnie regrets it.

You had a long, Bonnie and I had a long talk about that. Yeah. Bonnie's killing herself. She could have been a lesbian with She could have been a lesbian on Star Trek right now with Giniish year and whatever

TIG. We, so my wife started doing stand-up after we started Oh, okay. So she had had an improv but she was a swimmer first and foremost

so that killed that. But like she started 10 years after me. Doesn't that scare you that what if what if she just surpass you? The only thing in my mind life that like nothing is more motivating than her not being mad at me if she's mad at me that's the worst thing in my life no amount of career rejection or physical pain is as upsetting as her being upset with me so if if that put her if her being more successful than me made her

happy that'd be good and i'd be happy to see her i'm doing fine so if she was doing better than me then we're both doing great. Right. And I would, I would love to see her take off. But she comes with me on the road now and opens for me. Oh, that's still. So much better with her on it.

First of all, fuck both you. That would annoy me. If my wife was opening for me, I would hate life. Really? Yeah, but you also,

your wife holds the shirt and sells it with me. It's incredible. Yeah, because that. Also, she kills. We're going to have to wake up and fucking, that would suck too.

I couldn't follow my wife. I'm, after the show, I'm getting the U-2s. You were great, you too. I'm the headline of you, fucking. She's selling her merch in front of me, selling merch. Fuck that.

And. Sure, she's just say, Bobby sucks. Yeah, right? With the arrow point towards them. It says, but you have to do shit during the day when you go on the road. That part is, I am more of a lazy bones. Yeah. She's in a city.

We've got to go do a thing. But we found him in between. There's nothing better than leaving to go on the road. road and then pretending how hard it is while I'm fucking taking naps all day. Uber eating thoughts in my room. Is it a Tom Rhodes joke? Is it hard traveling so much? Yeah.

Most difficult part is not whistling while I pack. Yeah. That's great. But it is the difference between her is like when I'm saying in a hotel, I'm like, I could sit in my room on my computer all day and be like, hell yeah. Right. Just stinky and then shower right before the show. And then what a great day.

Yeah. Versus her. She's like, there's a farmer's market. Yes. This is you. It's only 90 minute drive. We can get back just in time

for you to walk on stage. I was a fan until you told me she wants to do stuff. But she does, we do one thing a day. We said we do one thing a day. I want to do whatever I want to do. Or we stay an extra day

and do things on that. Oh, suck it. I want to go home. Yeah, I go on the road for peace and quiet. Nothing makes me happier. It is pretty nice.

When I come home after the road and I open the door I put my bag down, it's like, ah, yeah. And then she's like, you're good? How was your flight? It was all right,

I got through it. Me and I was in first class. I had the fucking, I had the waffles, right? And she's like, all right, I made breakfast.

I mean, I, my wife is like old school, yeah, you know, and she only goes on, she only goes, she does go with me

when it's good. Yeah. When it's a good place. Same. She's not going to fucking. Toledo. Yeah, exactly.

She's not going to Perrytown. Fort. Wayne, Indiana. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's not doing my, my, uh, my rock and roll club tour three rides through fucking Ohio. You know what I mean?

Yeah, right. Yeah, she's not doing that. She'll come to Aruba. She'll come to, she'll come to, she's going to, I'm doing the mothership. She's like, I think we'll come to that. Of course she. Yeah. And that's, and they invite themselves.

They ask. Well, you have to. But you're like, yeah, of course. But we got to go to, we got to go to Texas two days before because she wants to go to Waco. Because the lady on HCTV has the store. up there. So I got to go to Waco to see some fucking store horse shit. Yeah, hosting someone, it just

takes the fun out of the road. The road is the loneliest thing on the world and it sucks sometimes, but the suck is what makes me fucking thrive. This is the hard part about her coming with me. The big difference is

the amount of money I spend when she's there. And I have to pretend like, yeah, I go to nice restaurants when you're not here. I'm like, I'd spend $7 and then steel slices of pizza from the trash can. Dude, I get fucking, I go to Florida on my own. I get like all of your twist. I go, I get $40 worth of El Polo Loco and it's

a wrap. And that lasts all weekend. Put it in the fridge. Without microwave it. Yes. I eat for sustenance. Plus, you are cutting into my jerk off time. Oh, yeah. The week, when I go, when I check in a hotel. Save me for myself.

Lord, help me. I go to Vegas for a week. Jesus. I have to like wash my laptop when I come home. Oh, because you have lube keys? No, yeah, and all the porn. Oh, the horrific porn. Oh, you meant digitally. I meant like, yeah, I'm just like, ah, shit. Dude, I'm fucking.

It's stuck close. I'm iPhone. I'm iPhone. One earpot in my ear so the maid doesn't have to hear the horror movie? You ever watch, you ever watch porn on your laptop? You're like, this is the cinematic experience. This is the way director intended it. It really, I took my kid's Oculus Quest on the road one time.

Oh, try that. Yeah. That's too much. Shut the fuck up. I was sitting, I was doing the in the road Yeah, too much Take it off your face is wet You're sweating Turn out

This was the quest Yeah I one time I was those little mini projectors I had a little tiny When I took it on the road You hook it up to your phone You shoot it on the ceiling

You don't even Look up You don't have to fucking do this shit You just look it up Too much Too much You shoot that on the ceiling You shoot this like an inch

You go god damn it An inch. Oh, mine comes out. Mine looks like it's a kid throwing up. That's like a baby puking. I will say this. I thought that, I thought that my prostate was like,

like, nonexistent anymore because, like, like, like married coming and relationship coming was like, like, like, like, yeah, like a grade school lava project or whatever. Yeah, right. And, um, and I,

I got with like, like, the first chick that, like, was just, I don't know. Nasty. Nasty or, let's just say, like, behaving like she's into it. Yeah. Like, you know that? Like, the marriage's like, okay. Like, what a dick shriveler.

Yeah. And, like, I remember I literally, so this gal had had, she had cancer, and she had a cancer scar from, like, when she got her, like, thyroid. He was like the C-sexist's scar that Tracy was talking about. Yeah. I'm not a cancer score. I shot her cancer scar. I did.

I shot her cancer. You're right. White guys do go high. Yeah. Yeah. He does You do you do Tracy goes low

But we were saying earlier That white guys go hot When they do Tracy We did We did So you came on her scar I came on her cancer scar And we both laughed so hard

And she goes And she goes like this She goes You came on my cancer scar That we've never laughed So hard And it was It was one of those

Like times Where they get you Like the nice hotel But it's like a bed And breakfast So everyone in the place Had heard You came on my cancer

quote of the weekend. But she sounds like, now, are you still cool with her? She's cool, yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds like somebody that you like, yo. You hang out with, yeah, yeah. Did you ever come on a wedding ring? Oh, yo. That's not your wife.

Not what you meant. That's a tough one. You got to go on Amazon. I didn't get that fluid. She dips it and ranks it. I came out of Puerto Rigi chicks crucifix. That was a weird one. Her wiping up poor Jesus's face.

Oh, my gosh. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. It's so funny. Well, now, let me ask you question. So all this marriage is behind you. Yeah, all the marriage, I'm fully divorced. Yeah, everything's great.

You're financially? You're all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I mean, it was, I mean, the first marriage I lost a little bit, the second marriage I you know yeah I was I was in a hole a bunch for it but it's that thing where you know I remember this guy was flying to Dallas and he's in he was like he's like divorce best money ever spent and I remember going wow that's really like that was right after I got I got married the first time and I was really in love with her and um and he said like like best

money I was like wow what it cheated fuck and then both times I'm like best money ever spent really yeah I mean I sold I sold our house back to my second wife for $10. I think I can say that because that's a thing. And she never gave me the $10. But it's like, yeah, it's the best money ever spent. Like when somebody, when you're not right with somebody and, you know, and you get to get away from them.

But it's such a weird thing how you're like how you beg, you beg to stay. Like you beg to stay in it, like the marriage counseling and all that stuff. You're begging to. You were trying to. I was Dave the matter. Begging to stay in it. And then I just had this realization. like, no, what am I doing?

I, dude, this is the, I'll, I'll admit the most pathetic, there's this guy for, is Josh something, but, so Instagram knows everything, and they also know what she's doing, and like, so I start getting all these things on my feed, like, does your wife not respect you? Come to marriage coach Josh,

blah, blah, and then I like, signed up for one of them where this guy's like, he's like, got to get her to respect you. And I started, like, watching all the testimonials of the guys that he helped, and what they're saying was insane. They're like, like, you know, I got my wife back and blah, blah, and she's still bipolar and abusive, but it's like this and that.

I'm like, no, let these bitches go. Like, spend the money on the divorce. Go be single. Go be a happy man. Like, like, it's. I've never met a not happy man who's been divorced. Oh, I'm so happy. I've never, I've never met a guy who was like, I know in the middle, in the, in the midst of it.

Yeah. But later on you go back, he's like, dude, I'm so. It's the best thing ever did. it's your to quote Tom Rhodes it's your own emotional two Tom Rhodes quotes it's your own emotional Vietnam it's uh it's

it's like it sucks when you're going through it but um but man am I happy I'm so freaking happy yeah because it's like you're free freedom I'm free you know like look I'm I'll never do I'll never

if I catch my wife banging Godfrey I still would be like I ain't leaving it's a better call back than the baguette I'm fucking, I'm here. When you're done, let me know. You ain't getting out of this, bitch.

I ain't let you out. I ain't let you. I'm never divorcing her. I don't give a fuck. I hope your wife's hall pass is God-free. It would be. Okay, she's going to get one. I might as well fucking give it all to her.

He's going to be late and he's going to stay late. He's going to call the... Liz is going to be like, we need someone to... He's going to be telling me she's a colonist. Oh my God Have we all had to take a host for God for you one night? I used to light his money on fire. I swear to God, his $20.

I'd hold the light of to it. I got to go. I need to be like, I got to go. All right, listen, man. Well, I think we've, we wrap up the show, but we've all, women are tough. Word.

Except for Matthew, he's so happy. She's scary. She's scary. Happy, but not when he's on the road. He does want to relax. He does. I had dinner with you and your wife one time. Remember, it was like Cellar, Vegas?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a lovely woman. Yeah, my wife is though. But similar to like what you saw. Yeah, I love my wife. I love my wife, but I like her and most of the comments. I'm actually bugging because I'm sitting here. I'm like, I honestly thought I did invite you to the way.

Because everybody was there. So my bad. You did. My bad. I wouldn't know why. I was, okay. Well, that's why I didn't invite you there either. I didn't know you yet.

I didn't know you yet. Oh, yeah, okay. All right. Yeah, we go back to the news. But I should have got the invite. You should have. I should have got the invite. I said, like, people, people, I regret not invite you, Vos, and, um.

That's pretty much. And Norton, yeah. Like, those are, those. And Colin. And Colin. He will. Patrice didn't go because he's dead. No, Patrice was dead.

Oh, okay. You dug Patrice up for your wedding? And he still was, he heckled the minister. They were, they were killing the minister. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. It was fun. My mother was pissed.

My wife was pissed, but it was funny to me. But there were certain cats like looking back. I'm like, damn, but you know what it was, it was my last season of SNL. And I was kind of, my wife was, she was like, well, just tell me who you. So I was like, so I was just kind of just throwing names. And so I apologize. That's all right, man. I would have said no, but thank you for the-

Open invite to not Pete's next wedding, but the one after that. At the fourth. Yeah, I have four. Dude, I can't wait. I'm a marriage hobbyist. Intermitt and marriageing? I'm intermittent marriage. It's great.

I've been doing a joke lately where I was like, I'm like, you know, I'm so happy that I just went through my second divorce because you know I love weddings and I might get to have another one. You'll definitely get married again. I'll get married again. I'm really enjoying this single year. Can you do me a favor, though? Next time you get married, bring her on the show with us three. Let us let us let us let us let you know if it's going to happen.

Can I say something? I don't know if I can't say it. Let's say one of the wives when Liz first met her, I was like, hey, this is so-and-so, and Liz looks at her for just like a little bit too long and goes, no. Oh, shoot. And Liz never spoke to her again. And I was like, hey, Liz, I think you're being a little unfair to her. And Liz is like, no, I don't know what it is.

It is there, though. And no. Liz knows, man. And no. And it was, she was right. Yeah. Wow. Liz fucking knows.

That's impressive. Liz does that to babies, too. Rose by and Andy? No. No. Adoption. All right, we're going to wrap this up. Dean, where are you going to be, brother?

At the settler this weekend. You got any shows coming up? Um, where am I? What's your website? No, Deanette was dot net and I am Deanette. Just follow I am Deanette, but social media. Follow him on social media. Follow him on social media. One of the funniest guys in the biz.

Thanks, bro. And, uh, I mean, probably one of the great impressionist, dude. Oh, thanks, man. I mean, no. I'm truly fantastic all around media. I mean, I appreciate it. Nobody does it better. Make sure you follow them.

Matthew, what do you got, buddy? Um, at Monday, Ponday and all platforms. Brucear.com. I'm everywhere on the road. I'm in all across the country. I'm there. Check out his website and you got a special of it. I got a special hyperbolic on YouTube.

It's on YouTube right now. On YouTube right now. What's the YouTube? What's the YouTube? Oh, at Monday Ponday. At Monday Ponday? I think. YouTube.com slash at Monday Ponday?

Yes. Monday Ponday. Monday Ponday. So fun to say. That's my website. It is fun to say. Monday Monday. I know, but it's so fun to say Monday.

Monday, Monday. Monday.com. Monday, Monday. Did your wife come up with that? No. 2010, baby. I'm going to be the last weekend in March, I'm going to be at desert.

That's not my website. That is not my fucking website. Oh. What do you mean? That's not my website. Who's what? Someone stole that website and made it. That's all fraudulent tickets.

Don't go to Matthew Broussardtour.com. I did not create this website. Oh, wow. Someone in Ukraine is stealing all my ticket sales. You buy tickets there. You can't get in my show. Are you shitting? Brousard.

Live, please. Yes, this happens a lot. I've had the same thing where people show up and they'll be like, I spent $400 on tickets. And then I'm like, what? Not for me? If the ticket's more than $35, you're getting hacked off. I'm not, I would say 35s a lot.

This is me on punch-up life. Let me say it. 20 is good. Last weekend in March, Phoenix, Arizona will be in Desert Ridge Improv. Kansas City, Missouri, April 10th through the 12th,

I think. And then after that, I'll be in La Jolla at the comedy store, April 17th through... This is a divorce man schedule right here. Dude, this really is.

This is a... Let me out there. This is a guy who doesn't have a family. Look at this shit. dude. I have less family than Batman. This guy has nobody to go home to. Dude, I really do.

By the way, that La Jolla date, that's going to, you know how the women, I want to go to that one. That'll be one. That'll be the one. My wife did that. The women, yeah, I want to go there. I went to San Diego, we got a hotel in a little bit. My manager goes, don't bring sand to the beach. Make sure you check them out, Pete Lee. Fucking hilarious.

My is PunchUp.com. Live slash Robert Kelly. That's where all my tickets are. All my tour dates are up there. I'm going to be in some. I'm going to be in Somerv. I'm going to be, thank you. I'm going to be in Somerville. At the Verve on the 19th, I'm going there for the pizza.

Point Pleasant. This is April 25th, Levitown. I'm actually, there's somebody else, you got to go down the bottom, right there. Go to that. April 17th and 18th. I'm going to be at the Comics Roadhouse. I love that place.

So I'm going to be at the mothership, two, 4th of July weekend. So if you guys are fans of mine from down to Texas, get your tickets now so I can fill it up with fans because the place sells out anyway. So I'd love to have my fans there. And that's it. And check out YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly

Comedy. And Danny, what do you guys? And Legion of Kings. Oh yeah. And fucking, I mean, it's crazy. See how you just got humble again? Yeah, well, I mean, it's overwhelming. It's big shoes to fill. But I'm happy for you. I'm really proud of you. Likewise.

Thank you, man. Appreciate it, guys. So check out that. I mean, you know, Reddit's going to fucking be like, there's going to be people, but it's all right. Yeah, but you know what? Yeah, that's part of the game. And you have a type of career that you're built for it and you have thick skin.

So it's like, who cares? Like, that's how I learned years ago, I stopped reading comments. Hugh Fink. Hugh Fink, he lied to me. And he was like after my first episode of seven. He was like, he was like, dude, they love you online. And this is before it was big.

I was like, really? He's like, oh, yeah, there's a sight. And I went to it and the first thing, who's this, Dean Edwards? He's awful. I love celebrity, Jeopardy. He just ruined it. He sucks.

I was like, oh. But the lesson was, oh, don't go looking for it. Because there's always somebody is going to find something about you. They don't like it. Yeah, it's all right. And then they're going to marry Pete Lee. Danny, what are you got, buddy?

Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff, and I'm going to be headlining Give a Hoot Comedy Club in Berlin, New Jersey, March 20th and March 27th and 28th in Saratoga, New York. I'm sorry, we're all laughing at your fucking dumb. I'm laughing because it dominoed around the table. Is there an owl on the side? It's a terrible name.

Does everybody get a Tutsi pop at the end of the show? One, two, three. Go ahead. Give a Hoot Comedy Club on next. And McGraw, McGraw, McRawbox, Brune Company, In McGrath, New York on March 27th, March 20th, New Berlin, New York. Are you on my show at The Verbe? Yes, and I'll be with Bobby at Verve Thursday, this upcoming Thursday.

Okay. This is Joe Russell. Go to Instagram. Type in Jokes, Russell. Give me a follow. He'll be at Tudal Doos comedy club. He's going to be a whippersnapper's comedy club. I'll be at J's Louise Comedy Club in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Sorry. Danny and Joe headline and get-er-done comedy club in North Carolina. Who's next? Cody. Cody, what's up, buddy? Run a monthly show at New York Comedy Club, Stanford. Next one's April 1st. Come out to that and then featuring for Bobby, April 17th and 18th at Mohican Sun.

Yeah, buddy, it's going to be fun. You and Paco are coming with me out there. All right, guys, that's the show. Hope you enjoyed it. I hope you had fun. And we'll see you guys next time. But we're doing the Patreon right now. We're going right into the Patreon,

and we're answering all the questions from the fans. and you get to be in there live while we answer them. That's patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you want to be a member and support the show, just head over there. It's pretty simple. And it's an extra show every week and you get the extra show here on the show.

So we'll see you next time on. You know what, dude?