Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #632 | Ari Shaffir, Maddy Smith, & JJ Liberman

Episode Date: March 29, 2026

Ari Shaffir is back in town for a bit and joins Maddy Smith & JJ Liberman. Things get wild! Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code DUDE15 at https://theperfectjean.nyc/DUDE15 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly.

And I'm back. Let me take these glasses off a little bit because I don't have to read, right? now. We're back at the, let me take this dumb hat off too. Why, why do it? Why look the same every week? I think I wore that last two weeks in a row. Robert Kelly, we're live here on YKWD above the Comedy Cellar at the Comedy Cellar Studios. We have potentially one of the greatest shows ever tonight. We have great guests here now on time. We have somebody great coming late, three minutes late. And then we have somebody maybe coming. Don't know. So you're just going to have to tune in and see if, and it's somebody famous. It's somebody really big. And you have to tune in and watch the episode

to see if they come in. We have a great show. Danny, who do we got tonight? Right now we have JJ Lieberman in the house. And then who might be coming in? Who's coming in a few minutes late? Maddie Smith. Right. And then who's going to be the special guest? Don't tell them. Well, they already, I did put on Patreon earlier. Could you imagine if they didn't show up and then people just sub to the Patreon? Now you're going to have to deal with refunds. The person is known for not showing up. Oh, really?

Yeah. I wait for opportunities like this. To do what? To do the show. You do? Yeah, yeah. That's why my shows, oh, you know what, let me tell you something about my show. A lot of shows just get famous comics to be on it to be really popular and successful.

I don't do that. I want who wants it. I want people who are on the way up who are, you know, on the rise. You want to hear a funny story today? Yeah, yeah. Poker player streaming on Twitch and I'm watching it before I get them, start my writing session. And his avatar is Chip Chipperson.

And I tell him, oh, I'm a comic. I donate five subs to the Twitch. I said, tonight I'm doing Robert Kelly's podcast and he goes, who? Yeah, it's pretty good. It's pretty good Chip Chipperson. No, it wasn't Chip Chipperson. It was a poker player. Oh, really?

Wow. You're going to get that answer from Chip Chipperson. too and Jim Norton and Colin Quinn and probably all of my friends who by the way if this just ends up me and you you did say this could be one of the greatest podcast episodes ever i mean you've already done one of my favorite shows ever when we talked about gooning right which is i wish was never in my life but i'm grateful that it is in my life it's both have you done a goon session i can't goon oh because the wife's around no i can't masturbate for hours i don't have the She's like, I'm going to the store.

I have to follow her on a map thing, find the phone and make sure when she gets to DeChicos, then I can get into my stuff. And then I have the toilet paper ready. I have everything cleaned up and ready like a murder. And then I see her coming back. Do you air tag her? I have her phone.

I made it so that I can know where her phone is. Does she know where you, like? I don't know if she knows that I know where she is. But she doesn't know where I am. Really? No. no, no, no. Luckily, my cigar loud...

I've been eating your pussy. Where? He's such a weirdo. Where have you been? I haven't eaten a pussy in a while. I don't even know. I haven't eaten pussy in so long. Really?

Yeah. I don't know. I haven't... Because I'm old, dude. Dude, I ate a porn star's pussy last month. And this is... It was the dream chick of mine because she's all cool with my like gay tendencies.

Yeah. So she'll like talk like I got her to download Hinge while we fucked. What is Hinge? It's like a dating app. But she'll match with guys that I find attractive. Right. That she'll fuck later. So this is as we're fucked.

Speaking of guys I found attractive. Oh, oops, sorry. I didn't know there was going to be a woman on the show. My apologies for telling the story. No, she's fucking. She's the best. I know. I've DM'd her.

She doesn't respond though. I was not sure I got back last time. Really? I thought we were talking. I wish you talking to the microphone. When I took you out for dinner When I offer you to take you out for dinner? Yeah, I think so.

And I said, no bitch. Oh, shit. That's not happening. Wait, let me ask you a question. Do he really ask you out for dinner? No, I would know. I think we were just riffing. We were riffing.

Sure. You guys, this is going to be a nuts podcast because you guys both have this crazy energy where you just go. I know. Yeah, that's the point. It's like my, if I was a female, I'd be ill. That's offensive.

That's hurtful. If I was a male, I would be neither of you. Why the fuck did you dump me into it? Why would you dump me into it? I didn't say nothing about you. We bust bulls here at the YKWD. That's what we do. That is a thing.

How are you doing? I'm good. Sorry, I'm a little bit late. Yeah, it's okay. You guys been on the mics for a long time? Around a half hour. Really? No, we just turned them on.

He made me turn them on. He started. I said, let's wait for it. He went, no. Yeah, stupid bitch. Well, we were talking about Rolexes, which I'm sure you, as a woman you get. Is that one?

What do you think? It's a time X. It's got a fucking elastic band. Oh, this old thing. 20K. You get that at Marshalls for $699 right now. $699,000. That's what I meant.

I meant $699 because it's pure platinum. Yeah, I'm a big spender. That's how, again, I told you about the Breitling story. Yeah. I'm a vicious spender. Yeah, you are. But you spend your money on crazy shit, and you also do a lot of weird crazy stack.

Not weird. I'm going to take that back. Because guys like you have opened my, what's the word I'm looking for? Bottle. Asshole. I was going to say, asshole. See, I told you we're like. We're the same person.

We're filling those blanks. You're just a more successful version if I was you. Right. A lot more. But that's, you know, women in comedy, we just get opportunities. No, I'm saying. No, I'm saying if I was you as a female. Now you do.

Being a white male is the worst thing you could be in comedy right now. I have suck off. We think you're hilarious, but you're white and your male. So. Ixnay on the white male. Yikes. Could you lie about your heritage? What were you saying?

Open up what? He was talking about, we're talking about eating pussy, and I haven't eaten pussy in a long time. And eating pussy is a, I know we're going to get demonetized right away. Really? I'm going to try. Eating, how do you say it? Not eating. Box.

Viena. Vigna. Doing filetio. Is that better, Danny? Canalingis. I think fallatio could be fine No Falatio is sucking

No No it's the same thing I think Phalachia I think Phalaingus Kana Lingus Kana Lingus You're right, kind of lingus Phalachio is

What's on my mind Oh, Palatia because it's phallic Yeah Yeah I haven't blown a guy In a long time too Right

Bobby's like I haven't done Philatio in years I did hire a guy A couple weeks ago To just feel his abs What? Yeah What?

Why? It's been like That's what we're talking about He spends weird money. He's not frugal at all. At all. How much you just, how much is it, how much is it cost to just rub a guy's abs? Oh, it's like 300 bucks.

Dude, you could have sex with him right there for $50 for $5. For free. Discussing. Dude, that, that's a kind of guy that if I ever saw that when I was like, my sexuality was starting, I would be like, I'm for sure 100% straight. That guy? It's gross. Why?

Who? Him? He's not gross. Seas? All of them. They're gross. I mean, all together, they're gross. Circle jerk from hell. Oh. Oh. No, I have. Have you ever gone down on a woman?

I hooked up with a chick, but I didn't need her. I didn't need her. I didn't do the cundalinguists. Really? Yeah, we just did. And you like that? Nope. Why? It felt like my own vagina. Really? Yeah. I want a different thing. That is weird. I never thought of that. Hey, well, slit. Yeah. Could be mine. I felt nothing Well that's the difference between

Was yours better than hers? Yeah, obviously I got a shit I would talk if you had to jerk a guy I'd have to have a way better bigger dick than you Yeah, that would suck And he was just sitting there like this And you're like

I don't know if there's too many There is the micro penis guys Going viral right now Because he'd been sending pictures Of his micro dick around Yeah Yeah, that's a scary thing I don't like that

Yeah, I don't like that Just like sitting in the pubs like that I've seen one I've seen multiple Really? Yeah, every morning. Oh, shit. That's what we do.

Let's go, wildin, wildin. Y'in. Come on, make a rap. What we're doing in the classroom. That's it? I don't know, that's one of the games. I was leading you into a rap. Oh, right, your show.

Yes. Oh, I didn't realize it. I didn't know we're doing... When did you... We're not. When did you see a micro penis? My ex took me to hedonism, which is a nudist Swingers resort

in Negril Jamaica. And we got a free... week because I did a comedy show, which was the worst comedy show I ever. Four people showed up. Everybody was naked? No, that was the only time they were wearing clothes to watch me bomb. Oh, shit. It's embarrassing. Yeah, people are like, we had to put clothes on for this shit. Yeah, they're pissed. It was bad. I ate shit. But so everyone's naked and everyone's like, kind of like, no, there's no, you know, because it's like a sex positive resort. And there's so many small dicks. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And you can't go.

you're not allowed what the fuck is that you can't do that how hard was that to walk by a guy with a micro penis and go they're innies what they swear to God multiple like they go inside oh oh hey there's might be inies watching there I apologize

shout to the short king I apologize 100% there's he's watching this yeah it's like a little belly button it's my whole fan base is innies yeah Rogan's is outies this is an inies podcast

yeah inies only for what it's worth big Joe Rogan fan oh yeah of course not that fan. Oh, God. Don't say that. Oh, no, no, sexual.

It's not my... I like 25 to 30. Yeah. Yeah, ripped. 25 to 30. Yeah. You have an age range. Yeah.

So does Leo do Caprio. He has an age range. Yeah, but his is 13 to 16. It's an age rate. Yeah, literally. You don't have an age range? I don't know. 20 and up.

Anyone? 20 to 85? Comics? Uh, anyone. See, I do a podcast where literally I hit on women. every episode and I get turned down like no tomorrow. Right. What's it called

Get the Hint? You're gonna be a faggat the rest of your life. Are you like pan? Is that what your thing is? Pansexual? You're like in everything, right? Not really. What do you prefer? I prefer women. But I like a chick who's like I would like to date a chick who's like kind of teasing me with the idea of like fucking another guy so I could hate fucker.

Wow, we'll be right back with love stories on YKWD. What do you mean? What do you mean? Like cuck kind of stuff? They like to call it. So, okay, there's cuck, but there's now the industry term called hot wife. So you've heard of hot wife? Oh, so she's like, he wants to fuck me and he wants to fuck me.

No, hot, so cuck, cuck. What's hot wife? We're ready. All yours. Paring you two together is fantastic. This is great. Would you do dinner? So Hot Life is, oh, hey, I got money now.

Only if you feel my abs for 300 bucks. Fucking deal. And. Oh, you've got a micro penis. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they call it. It's an inning. So Hot White, so Cuck is a guy who feels like inadequate and wants to watch his wife.

I mean all my producers? Yeah, everyone in this room and this building. Yeah. Everyone ever been on this podcast fine. Right. That's a great name for a podcast. Three cucks. Well, we have me and Chee two goons.

Yeah, he's a goon. Yeah, he's a goon. And then goons are really into porn? No, well, yeah. Now, yes. At a time, it was like excessive masturbators. Yeah, okay. For like longevity, longevity of a session.

But I think goon now encompasses the whole thing. Yeah, okay. So, yeah. So you're a goon. Well, yes, but, yeah. And you? And then hot one. is.

So cuck is a guy who, like, if you guys were together and you were my wife. Big if. What the fuck did I do? Big if. What the fuck that I do? It's not a big. Watch your language. I could get you in five seconds.

Yeah, sure. I'm sprinting away. So we're married. Big if is fucking you. I'm in the corner like, oh, my ined. And he's like kind of like, you look at your small dick, bitch. You know, and like, he's shit talking me. And I'm like being cucked.

hot wife similar, but there's not a belittlement factor. I like that one, but yeah, I like that one. Right. And there is like the idea of like the reclaiming afterwards. So it's a very alpha thing. Does the wife, cut you? Does the wife

like talk mean to you too while she's doing it? Not in hot wife. Not but in cuck. Oh yeah. What does she do? What does she say? Oh, man, she calls you a fucking if. A if. Yeah, you're a if. Why is that, how did that word become mean? I always love the word if I don't want to be called it if

I don't know why guys are into The ideas don't you think we're Can I be honest Don't you think we're going too far with sex? Yes Are we? Yeah, I do. I watch your fucking reels

What are you talking? Get out of there. I watch your stand-up reels. Too far with sex. Someone else posts for me So you're watching someone else posting. What is her reels? I don't understand.

I know nothing she does. It's true. I'm just stand-up. Too far. I probably just stand up where I'm like, I think sex is, you know, to me it's like eating, shitting. It doesn't have to be that big of a thing.

What do you? Oh, oh, oh, yeah. It's not that big of the thing with me either. To be honest. Caw, hot wife, gooner, two goons. Paying someone to feel their abs. Oh, fuck it if. Sex isn't that big.

Lady, it's not my problem for being educated in a situation there. Like I play poker on Sundays. Right. What? I went a tournament on Sunday First out of 1,200 players Yeah? What did you get out of it?

You get to rub somebody's ass? I wish. I got six abs rubs. My thing is this, I think that sex Once you go here, it's like, I feel like you can never click your heels and go home. Oh yeah, yeah, the further you take it.

If further you take it, you're going to have to hit a bottom at some point and be like. I've hit bottoms. That's right. You're going to have to hit a bottom. spread those cheeks. That fucking sloppy bottom.

Yep. Listen, there's a certain point that you go past and it's hard to come home. So I like more so than the actual craziness of sex. I like the idea of craziness. To be honest with you, I'd rather just do someone missionary and then watch Netflix and cuddle and order Uber Eats.

Right, but once you go, once you rub a guy's ab and jerk off for an hour, you're going to crave that. No. I've been off the market since. Really? Yeah, just back to women. Oh, you're saying, you're saying when you get too much, yeah, yeah. It's like once you do something, right?

Yeah, it's not greedy like wealth. Like, I kind of like, because I'm really, like, I've waited 15, 14 years in comedy. And you'll never go to heaven. That's fine. Right. I felt like someone told me doing this podcast as heaven. Similar. You're like God's never going to accept you.

No. Do you think about like, maybe you don't. Maybe you don't. Like I grew up Catholic. I have, you know, I'm not religious, religious, but I'm a little religious. I have a little moral compass in me, right? I have moral compass. Okay.

Hang on. Let me get to that. But I'm just saying, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're a Catholic girl, right? But don't you think like after you get, like, Like if you do stuff and then you wind up liking it, it's hard to pull it back. No, because when I was in my 20s,

I used to like literally go to bathhouses and now I don't have any gay abomination sex. It's like, I mean, you were a fat fog once. What's an abomin? You were a fat fog once? I was a fat funk once. Were you really? It's not like we're still fat fox.

So we took it there with food. Sucking eight guys off in a bathhouse is the little food. It's the same as eating sour patch and baths. So you're saying it's an addiction. Yeah. You're saying it's an addiction. Yeah, you also. took Ozzyk. Yeah. And it cured the game. Does you want to be hired for

ab rubbing? You want to be the ab rubber, not the ab rubber. Okay. No, I, I, uh, I prefer a healthy, uh, relationship. Right. Oh, the, the idea of craziness is hot. Aren't you nervous? You're going to bump into somebody at a concert that you rub their asshole in abs? I'm sure they'd be fine. Yeah? Yeah, of course. You're like, hey dude, what's up? I was to make another 300 bucks. You made money? Oh, they would. They would. Yeah. Right. Do you ever get paid for sex?

No. Me? What the fuck? In what world? Probably top three dumb questions I've asked on the show. I mean, you could probably have an only fans or something. I did.

Yeah. When I was broke. What was it? Because I did the only fans taping, the comedy thing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was broke. And because I have like a 1% of my following.

Weird dudes. No. Weird. No. No. Maybe more. But out of that, okay,

so I have about 35. to 80% weird. That makes sense. Weird guys. That tracks. Which I like. But out of that 35 to 80%, there's probably a hundred that want to see my dick.

I don't know why. Really? I sold it. You sold your dick. So you have made money. Oh, yeah, yeah. You have made money during sex. Give you showing you talk.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you just show it? Yeah. And then one time I was a titty fucking an escort, and she had a many viz page, like an only fans. Yeah. And as soon as I held the camera, I got so turned up.

I came too quick and all you hear in the video is her going, oh no, it's too fast. We're not going to make any money. She literally put it. She put, no, it was for her. This was like in 2018 when I was really big into titty fucking. Are you sure there's a way home for you? I thought this was an intervention.

No, it's not. So are you going out every night titty fucking? From 2010 to 2019, I had a really bad habit. I ponded a why. and use that money that was supposed to be for rent money to titty fuck. Oh my God. How much does it cost to titty fuck? I was getting the lowest of the low off Craigslist.

And again, like the BBWs for $75 for 15 minutes. Because they would give you like half hour rate, HH. Yeah. And then they would give you QV, which is a quick visit rate. Most real escorts don't give that. That's a great, they give you. QVs, what, like 10 minutes, five minutes? Nut quick or go.

Yeah, like nut. Not now. Not now. Not now. Not now, not now, but definitely not later. Dude, 15 minutes and they are, you know, when they have the timer, they start the clock. Yep. And you better, so you're against, you're up against you.

You got to be a professional. Yeah, you got to be able to not, which I can. Oh, good. Yeah. Oh, God. I was worried. I was freaking out. So that was the 2010 to 2019.

I was doing a lot of titty. Yeah. And I stopped during COVID. Stop sucking you gut into your pants. You need the perfect gene. They fit like a dream. don't shave, and they show off all the meat. Ooh, I like that.

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the can you get out of the way the fucking idiot the that's 50 I'm breaking into this ad for one second I will like to say in raw reality I brought a pair of the perfect jeans with me

to South America and they last for six countries until I found a bleeding child and it bled all over it and I couldn't wear I remember obviously but they're very comfortable If that's not an endorsement, this is. You get 15% off for new customers at the perfect gene. That's 15% off for new customers at the perfect gene. com.

With promo code dude 15. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them, you know what dude sent you. Fuck your khakis and get the perfect genes that you can bleed in all over South America. But, yeah, the one was in Vegas. I was filming the titty fuck. And as soon as she wrapped her tits around my dick, I came. And so here's the best part.

She put that video up on her many vids for free because I came within like 42 seconds. Like it was legitimately 42 seconds. So she's recording you? She couldn't want. No, I was holding it through the, it was. Right, you were doing it. It was like literally being in porn and feeling it. And I came too quickly.

Really? Yeah. And then, Fast Track, 2025, I made a video online that went from the porn awards. And she outed me. She's like, he made... That's the guy. That's the guy. She goes, he is a gooner.

I think we did a collab. That's old Speedy Gonzalez over there. Yeah. That's good advertisement for her. One quick? Yeah, it was so weird. I snapped to leave my Twitter. I panicked.

That was like the first thing I panicked over it. So you don't think that someday you're going to be able to meet a girl, fall in love. Oh, yeah. My ex was three years. And you didn't do any weird shit while you're with her. No, sometimes I whisper in her ear. I'm like, you know, fuck someone behind my back. And she would laugh and her pussy would contract around my dick.

Oh, okay, during sex stuff. Yeah, okay. But dirty talk. Like nothing, you know, but if she did, I would hate fuck her. I think if I said that tomorrow if she started laughing. What? That's what she did. I said, uh, I want you.

I don't fuck I have her back. I'd be worried if she would. Yeah. Remember what you said? Well, I did it. Yeah, exactly. Come home, she's fucking... Matt Reich.

Yeah, oh, God. I'd let that happen. Enjoy. Sometimes I'm so in the moment. Like, I can't, when I have sex, I can't believe it's happening still. So I'll be, like, talking, but I'm whispering too loud. And they're like, what? You whisper loud?

No, I'm whispering too quiet. What are you whispering? Oh, my God. Thank you, Jesus. Really? You're just happy that you having sex? Sometimes you're just like, oh, man, I'm... I feel, I feel, like, it's like that guy at the end of the bench who never gets

play and then someone goes you you get in and then you had a home run no and you win the game i'm actually not bad the i just never eat pussy but if i like someone i'll oh why don't you eat pussy i you don't either i haven't it's not that i don't you say you haven't like 10 years i didn't say 10 years you got so skinny that's how that i think it's stomach surgery i just stopped being fattening pussy yeah my wife's pussy's just made a sugar and bacon fat and A lot of calories. I got acid reflux because my ex's pussy was so high in pH balance. Oh, wow.

That I would do, I loved her. You have Pepsi because of a pussy? I had to go see an ear, nose and throat. Yeah, the ANT. And it was like, have you been eating pussy? No. Everybody, give it up for Ari Schaefeer. Hey, what's up, Ari?

Ari's back. We're talking pussy. Nice. Everything in between. We're talking. I mean, dude, it's going fast. Well. He got acid reflify.

He got acid reflux from eating pussy. He got acid reflux from eating pussy because she had to go to E&T. She had her pH balance was too. Like a pool? Well, yeah, the chicks have to check. Chicks have to check their balance. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Why, what happens to your pussy? You can get thrown off. The flora. The flora. Yeah, turn green. Do you have to skim it for bugs? Yeah, literally.

They put a stick up the box. Yeah, you can put a stick. Like the pool? Or you can just know. A pool of gross. You can tell what it shit's off. Yeah, yeah. You can tell.

Yeah. So then do you even check or do you just go to the guy and be like, this is off? They check. I don't know. There's home kits. Yeah, there's kits. You can get like CVS. I would.

Stuff like your body is in the 80s. I would just use my tongue and if my tongue went numb, I wouldn't do it. There's something wrong with it. Yeah. If it feels like absent, I'm out. If it tastes like you're licking change, I'm gone. Right. Right.

I do a beta blocker that numbs my tongue. It's amazing. Why? Because I don't. Why? Is that me? Why? So when I play on, the guy gave it to me for before sets.

He's like, if you get too nervous before, because that's where I get all like my peptides and stuff. Yeah. And he goes, he goes, take this before set. It will calm me down. But I take it for when I play online poker. Because sometimes when I'm playing. You can call down.

Yeah. Because my heart, when you play poker, I don't know if you play cards, your heart will race. Yeah. Especially like all, I don't. We were in Philly last week, and I went to live. But sometimes even when you play live, you get like pocket aces and immediately your heart starts racing.

Right. Yeah. So it's nice to have like a beta blocker. But it numbs your mom. Yeah. I keep it in. I keep it in. Yeah.

I keep that. I keep Viagra. Performance enhancing drug. Yeah. You have Viagra. So you have something that gets you crazy and levels throughout. Yeah. I keep in that, I have a craigra.

Belly button rings for a snap on belly button ring. What? Never know. A magnet one? You never know. Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Who are you gonna have to impress to the belly button ring? I like, I like, I like when someone's riding. Like, so my theory is, my theory is,

welcome back, by the way. Welcome back from the peaceful jungle. Yeah, literally. Welcome back from sunsets and beautiful villages. This is what we're doing. Why? To bald gooners. You like the look of what?

I like when, I like when someone's riding me and there's something to focus on. and you're just looking at the belly bun ringing. Oh, it's her. Oh, for her. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was for you.

I thought it was for you. I thought it was you too. You're just trying to get a bag of sex tricks. Come on. So you put the belly belly belly ring on. Yeah, snap. So she doesn't have to see your face? What am I doing?

Just your happy face? I do, I do wonder when I'm getting massages. They're not looking. There's no way. What, the old Asian ladies? No, no, no. I get real massage. Oh, I'm sorry.

I apologize. I didn't. I took it too far. I carry belly button rings. Yeah, literally. So you wonder if they are looking at your dick and shit? Have you ever gotten a massage where it went beyond the massage? No.

Never, like a legit massage where they wound up doing something? No. Turned a regular into prostitution? Not prostitution, but sex. Oh, you mean just like... Like a girl winds up liking you or you hit it off and then you wind up having sex. Has that ever happened? No.

Never. No. With you? I did it. What are you talking about? Yeah. No. When?

She liked you? I liked her. And so you're like, let's, what? Some probably Cambodians hang out? Yeah, she probably could get out of the neck. I hurt my back. It was years ago before I was with my chick. And then?

No, I'm kidding. No, I did something and I told the club, I go my backs. And the guy was like, oh, I got a friend that is like the best. And she came in my hotel room. She gave me a massage and we wound up having sex. From talking? Well, we were talking and then she was giving me this great massage. It's not like she did anything during the massage,

but there was, you know, like, you know, like, you know, when they do your hand? Not touching you. Just hold my hand. Watch. Just hold my hand. So, like, ready? You know when they do?

Stop. Get out of here. Just hang on. Just try it. Just put your hand in there. Ready? Yeah. Not so hard.

Just a little. Now, now. So, well, there was a little of this going on. No way. Buddy. Move me. So it's this. It was like a little.

So it moves down and then it was like a little of this. And then we held for a little bit. And then at one point. Why are you touching hands at all? Well, because they give me a massage and they massage your hand. Show us what happened next. Come on. Take a dig up.

Touch my vagina. And then we wound up. It was nice, though. It wasn't like a, it wasn't like she did this. You know what I mean? It just happened. Did you tip her more? Yeah.

Did you tip her? Yeah. Was this a paid thing? You know. But you pay for the massage. I paid the massage. And what was the tip? Regular, more or less?

It was regular. Same amount. That was good. I feel like... Awkward moment. You at least got to think about it. Yeah. Oh, I thought about it.

15 bucks. I only had fucking 20. No, but it was... It just happened. I mean, I'm not saying, it's a very rare thing that happened. Well, yours was more like intimate. Yours was set up by a friend in the hotel room. It was...

Most businesses were. But we were both the same age, and we just watched. found up kind of digging each other. Full sex? Dude, not full sex. Some of the best sex I've ever had in my. Not full, awesome. Better than that.

Let me ask you this. And I have a theory. I have a theory that some vaginas, you're made to be in. I like it. You know what I'm saying? I like it. I've had sex with a lot of girls.

And it's been great and it's all been nice. But there's girls that have had sex with where as soon as I entered, I was like, this is so, like, I'm made to be. be in here. Something like that. A little thicker women. No. No. No. I don't mind thick women. I don't have

any category. It's just shape of vagina. Huh? It's a shape of vagina. It's your penis fits that vagina. I get it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I've had smoking hot girls. Just vagina was too, it just didn't, it was sucked. It was like you look great, but your vagina stinks from my dick. Definitely being wet helps. Huh?

Someone's wet. Is that help? You're probably going in dry. I always rub coconut oil on my dick before. You travel with coconut oil too. So let's go through everything. Viagra.

Viagra. P.H. Strips? Viagra. Pool strips? I don't have pH strips. Viagra. Beta blockers. I do carry aspirin just in case the Viagra gives me a heart attack. What's carry?

Oh? You do carry aspirin. I have in my bag. And coconut oil. No. When I go on the road, I have a hard time remembering my keys. Literally. Never mind having.

all this shit on me all the time. Belly button rings. If you don't hook up on the road, let's say you have all this ready. You don't hook up on Saturday. Carries over to the next weekend. You don't make kettle corn with the coconut oil?

It's like merch. He's making popcorn. You've never been like that on the road, like with girls. Coconut oil of my dick? Yeah. No. No, I've never done that.

I've used it. Coconut oil. It's a... Enough. Pinch or you went to use that? I did it in the pinch up the tiny house with my wife. We didn't have anything. She was in metabolic, pre-menopause.

And she was like, I need lube. And I was like, I don't have any. She goes, I have coconut at all. So we use that. And the best lube I've ever used. Honestly, God. Yeah, I think it's incredible. It's the best lube I've ever used in my life.

It's all natural. It's all natural. It's actually good for women's microbiome. It's good for hangovers, too. Is it really? Coconut water. Coconut water is great. Yeah, got out of coconut water.

Coconut water is great. for everything. You ever fuck a coconut? I haven't yet. He has. That's how you make the oil. Have you fucked the coconut? He brings a coconut in his bag. Carry a sex bag on the road with you everywhere.

That's wild. That sounds taxing. Really? A little bit. Look at, I'm fucking 55, but it would be, you know, having a condom used to be a fucking fucking I carry in the ass. I carry this around. I carry some condoms around, but I never use them.

Really? That's fucking crazy. Really? Normal. What, do you just trust? Very, very normal. Yeah. What, not having condoms? Nobody uses them.

Why? Because we're in the age of fucking breeding. You cannot say that more gay. Well, I've done. We're on the age of breeding. Who are you commenting on heterosexuals? I don't know. I mean, a condoms suck, but.

You've been out of the game too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Everyone, you have to worry. The people you worry about are like on doxycycline or some doxies. What's that? People take shit now. People take prep.

The most promiscuous take pills. Do you travel with prep? I don't take prep, but I don't fuck guys anymore. Anymore. Right. Prep's too expensive. Prep's very expensive. But that's not the reason.

My prep is I don't fuck guys. That is my prep. That's my prep. Yeah. It's very hard. Hard to catch. Is age hard to catch? AIDS, if you're...

Oh, I think I meant guys. Guys are easy. Come over here. Chuck my dick. But in my gay years, in my 20s, I probably had... You had gay years? My gay years.

Before my daddy, fuck years. When you had hair. When you had hair. I had hair. I probably had sex with 200 guys. I'm protected. Right. And...

That's a lot. And I never... It's so many. It's so many. One might have to do two. many. I mean, we're saying it right now. It's too many. I don't know. I got similar numbers. Of gay guys? No. Gay guys. Guys. Oh, stupid. Once a week. Oh, it was great. No, they were no repeats once a week. That's fucking four years.

It was more like stacking. I felt like I was in like stacking. Like some weeks would be like five. Right. Five new ones. Five. Five. different ones, yeah. And then the next week, no carryovers. No carryovers. I have additional new ones. Yeah. I remember I didn't have a laptop for six months, so that's, because I used to go on gay.com. Yeah.

That was, how hard is that to get? Well, that's, that was before grind. I would, like, gay.com for hookups? Gay.com. So they would have, like, you would. I want to get that when that's, when that's up and it's up for sale. I want to buy it and just make it my website. Yeah. Catch me at gay.com.

You guys could see me at gay.com. That'd be such a fun website to say. Someone tries to sell me pervert.com. Really? Yes. I know the guy who owns Pervert. He's based in Philly. I owned a cool website.

I went, remember when the UFC first came out and they had that, like it was like the, it was almost like they took the Major League Baseball NBA, the red, white, and blue with the guy in it.

I had one with a dude with a microphone and it was, what was it called? Comedy, combat comedy or some shit like that? What is that? Sounds familiar. I bought it.

I own it. What are you going to do with it? Nothing. To pay for it? Yeah. Every year. I think I might still own it. Yeah.

How about this? How about we get the dot net of a comedy club that never booked you? And then just built it up with shit. You know that there was a comedy club that took, got, when anybody typed in comedy seller, it would take them to their club. Nice. And people were buying tickets thinking they were coming here, show. Yeah, that is.

In the city, when you Google Comedy Club, it goes up, I want to, but it goes up to one of the clubs is automatically the first one. Right. Yeah. Probably New York Comedy Club. It's probably New York Comedy Club. Didn't Trump do something like that? Trump did something like that, didn't he?

When you, Kamala hires.org goes to Trump. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's such a fucking dick, move. What a fun executive order to be like, I'm taking your website. but you make two grand off that Comedycom You're selling it for $2,000?

I mean, that's pretty good I'll give you $800. So, no, I, combat comedy, yeah, I must have not paid it. It's up for, it's up for... No, I think what happens is when they do, the domain is for sale for $2,000. Usually what they'll do is they'll get you to send money through,

I don't know in this case, but usually when you want a domain, they'll get you to send money through escrow. and then they'll approach the guy who owns the domain. And not all the time. So we have a real deal. Do you want it? Yeah, I think those are the situations because you can do that on goaddy.com.

I tried to buy a website last week. It was like $99. And I was like, all right. And then it was like, hi, I'm the guy you bought for $9.00. I was like, yes. All right. What was the website? I don't know.

Bobby Kelly sucks. I already owned that. Oh, yeah. My wife bought that. It just close up to your face. Yeah, they do that. Go Daddy has a service where you pay a guy $99 fucking dollars. Yeah, but it's not really clear.

That's what you're getting. Yeah, I did that once too. It's a broker. You pay for a broker and I thought the same thing. And he goes, you should go up to $1,500. I'm like, 99 was a push. So another 99. And then that's as far as I'll go.

Was it a website for something you were going to do? Yeah, I think so. Really? Yeah, I was like buying like, like, I don't know what I want. So I'm going to buy 20 websites. websites right around the same name and then you'd get it for a month. I'm not doing the whatever project I had in my head, I'm not doing it. I realize I'm not going to see it through.

So it's like, let him go back. Is there a Jew.com? There's got to. Look it up. Jew.com. Probably going for a little lot of money. It'd be funny. It's a...

Jew da Chai. This is a Palestinian website. It's not a matrix of flag flag. It's, what is it? My Bible. It's the Bible. That's what goes. You dot com, really.

Jude. fucking well played, Jesus people. Yeah. Well played. Wow. That's good. I mean, that's worse

than any sort of fucking October 7 stuff. You took them. And you drove it away to the direct opposite of them. It's fucking wild. Wow. Wait a minute.

Let's see if Jesus.com is owned by Jews. Let's see if Jesus. How do you like it? It's just woodworking. Can I see Jesus.com? It's a bank website. Jesus.com. It's just a Spanish guy from Mount Kisco.

Is it? Oh. No one knows. Oh. Buy it! Buy it now! Get the broker on the line. Now!

Danny, buy that right now. Right now. Buy it right now. And I'll go sit church.org. Don't wait. Don't joke. Buy it! Buy it.

Buy it. Buy it. Buy it. Find out how much Jesus. com is right now. right now. If it's under $20,000, buy it. We're in.

We should just put him on it. Yeah, yeah. Put his video where he came too fast. Whoa. What? That wasn't privacy. Really? On this podcast.

It's close to privacy. Yeah. Us and a few people. What about devil.com? Is that up there? Yeah. That's definitely some. Oh, that's the same screen.

God hates fag shit. The God H. Fags? It probably goes to, right? What? You know, the guy who goes... Is it a real? It goes to the Bible. Oh, they are.

Wow. They were ahead of the curve. Definitely need to download the My Bible social. By the way, not really updating. Top 10 verses of 2013. Yeah, where have they been? They don't need to update the Bible. So I'm really sorry about that, guys.

That's okay. It's all good. Wow. That's fucked up. I love that you can just buy like a website. Well, the domain. The domain name and just own it and then sell it to sell it. We should think of a really good domain name that somebody might want to buy.

Wasn't that the dot com bubble? Like, wasn't that the same? We bought McDonald's.com and they sold to them for like five to ground. Yeah. It was a minute where that was like a gold rush. Well, Red Band. Didn't Red Band? Oh, Red Band was doing the Pepsi.

Pepsi Spicy Challenge. Yeah, he was doing the Pepsi Spice Challenge. But he had a domain. and he bought PepsiSpice.com and PepsiSpicechallenge.com and they would just fake videos of him taking breast strips and feeding him to dogs. Oh my God. And then feed the dogs are going to film that, but like cut it together. And I was like, you're terrible for doing this. Oh my God.

And he's like, I'm doing anything to anything. Did they pay him for it? No, he's tired. They gave me cease and desist. He was like, no, I own this. Yeah. Super. Nice.

In 2015, in 2015, there was a guy that bought Google, dot com from Google fucked up and let it go and he bought it from Google's website purchasing thing for $12 No, Google didn't let, but then because he bought it from Google, they blocked the sale and they gave him a reward What's the reward? Go away, here's five grand. Oh, what a fucking shit move.

What if it was like, we'll just give you $40 million. I'd fucking be. That's okay. Yeah, they've never seen me again. I'll consider it. They rewarded him $12,000, but I don't think it's enough. I would buy fat fuck.com because that's what it would become. Yeah, a fat fuck.

What's like guys who catch bats or a home run balls in the crowd and they like trade it for merchandise and you're like, dude, I would hold on to that thing until they gave you hundreds of thousands of dollars. Like a 500th home run. Guys have traded it for merchandise. Yeah. The team will sign. Well, because they're fans. No, it doesn't matter. You got to.

Like this guy should have it. He hit the home run. It's a big thing. His dad was here. The guy will usually come out and be like, dude, I'll come meet you. I'll say hi. And it's money. No, do pushups on the pictures mount.

A hundred. Make them do weird. And then. Yeah. Yeah. You get to be my slave for a week. Yes. He'd be like this.

He'd be like, let me titty, fuck you. Rub you. Eric Judge, driving the airport. Rub back. Let me rub your abs. Sorry, I got a little too excited. Yeah. Derek Jeter, if I can rub your abs and you give me one signed baseball, I'll let you

have this. Oh, yeah. I'm not really into memorabilia. I'm not really, yeah, it's just a waste of space. No, it's, you know what I like? Like samurai swords and shit like that. That's a waste of space. A samurai sword?

more than a little baseball. It's history. A baseball is a fucking ball. Baseball is this big. Samurai sword's fucking... It's a whole mantle. It was made by a master and it's history and, you know, it's signed.

It's like a, it's amazing. 1700s. Yeah, dude. It's like a baseball, it's like worth shit until some fucking Puerto Rican hits it over the fence. Samarish swords actually to prove themselves, like just chop baseballs at half. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the coolest member of, I think is like historic shit. Nazi, like, you know, I had a Hitler youth knife once. Really? When did you get that from graduating from the Hitler? They gave me what I was saying.

The Academy of the Hitler adulthood. You made it. The Academy, my parents, I earned it. Yeah, somebody gave it to me. They sold it to me for like a couple hundred bucks at the time. And I was like, oh my God, this is a part of history. I liked it, but I want them getting. rid of it because it just gave me the creeps having a legitimate swastika in my house.

I was like, this is nuts. Godfreybts somebody finds it. Did Tom Sagar have a teacup or is that? Hitler's teacup. Yeah. I got some Deutsche marks from back then. Yeah? That's cool.

They're just like, it's part of history. But also like you actually cannot buy anything with it. Does it have a swastika on it? It's got everything. Really? Yeah. Wow, that's fucking weird. There is, I always said this all the time.

the Yankees logo and the Swastika is the greatest logo ever. I just wish... It's not bad. I wish those are so close. There's got to be a New York Yankee's Swastika, like, the old thing. Yeah, modern.

It's got to be something together. Yeah, Hitler really fucked up a good logo. It's a great... From a graphic designer perspective. The Germans had great logo. Yeah. The SS. You just naturally do it.

And you can, like, not reveal it to the last... Yeah, it only takes two lines. Yeah. It's like, hey man. Turn it around, still the same thing. It's a good logo. I was at Tucker Carlson's. He had a backhand. He had 19 of them.

He had a backgammon set out. You saw his tattoo? It's kitchen tiles with swastika. I took all the pieces and I just put him into a swastika there. And then the assistant was like the next day, he was like, bro, we had a guest come in and sit right there. We had Ben Shapiro come in. Yeah. They're like, dude.

I'm like, I just did it out of it. I don't know. Sorry. Now, what's going on? This guy went from CNN to Fox News and now he's a Russian spy. Who? Iranian spy. Tucker Carlson.

Yeah, they had him over there for a second. Tom Cruise. He does his own stunts? Holy spies? He gets in there and spies? What a surprise turn as a career. Yeah, they got him like, they're saying he's an Iranian spy. He's giving them information. Imagine Tucker Carlson

in a bow tie trying to infiltrate with this fucking pocket wash, it does shit. His tie actually has lasers in it. It's been rolls and like spying in people's computers. He pushes a button and his tie punches you on the face. Now he's Inspector Gadget.

I kind of spy. Smell my flower. Goin. Ooh, go. His disguisers are the big nose or the glasses. Jesse looks like me now. We never That's the one thing too

We never There's no cool Like technology always Get released to like spies In the CIA And the army of the government And then it trickles down to us Like drones

You can just buy a drone Like that type of technology Huh? Google glasses Yeah like sure But we've Like we've never had like a real good Fucking spy thing

Released to the public And they got good shit right now Like what You did the video They just did the Venezuela when they went and got the president in the middle of the night. And we actually used technology that we've never used before. What? Yeah, dude.

What technology? It's sonic wave guns. So basically they had hundreds. There was like 20 guys, Delta Force. They had hundreds of soldiers. And one of the soldiers, you can actually listen to the audio. They did Delta Force, and then Chuck Norris died right after that? Well, he died.

actually getting the president. That was his last mission. Yeah. He didn't have his motorcycle with missiles on us. What do you mean you don't think there's great technology?

I mean, you track your wife without her knowing. Like, that's trickling out to you. I don't track her. I watch her so I can masturbate without her catching me. It's her benefit.

I don't want her to come in with me with my underwear is around my ankle. That's why you're not eating my pussy? The dog's in the bed with me. Let's trickle down spyware. My dog knows. my dog will literally, as soon as I start jerking off, she gets up and goes,

and leaves the room. You ever try to jerk up, but like no movement so the dog doesn't get bothered? Yeah. I don't want her to get up. Cat in the bed. Yeah, I usually put a pillow between us. Yeah. It is weird if they're touching your skin.

Yeah. It's like, this is wrong. I even can admit, this is wrong. It's weird. Like Anthony Wiener. It's weird when you have. Over the sweatpants. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, bro. Weird backdrop. Miss you. Your backdrop for a baby. pick. Yeah. You just look down, she's licking up the floor. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

All right, whatever. Whatever, you did it. Whatever. Sorry. You're already half of them did it, so pretty. Yeah, keep going. Just get it all. The trick to jerking off at my age is jerking off and not getting it in your underwear or pants. Oh.

Because I have to masturbate with, like, stuff on. So if I hear a car door, I almost got caught a few months ago. I was in the bed and the app didn't update. So she was on her way home, but I didn't see, it didn't refresh. So all of a sudden, I'm down, I got my movie on my iPhone, I'm going at it.

And I'm going off in your pants. And I have my down around my ankles. And I never get, like sweatpants? No, my jeans. My pants. I'm at the ankles. I jerk on my shoes on, dude. I'm ready to go.

You jerk off and you shit the same way. Yeah, exactly. And he stands at the urinal like that. Dude, I got a kid and a wife. I don't have time to fucking get, make love to myself. And, yeah, she came home and I just immediately pulled everything up and was ready to go. Hey, how are you?

Hey, did you get the sun chips? You got the sun chips I was asking for. Card and salsa. I woke up last night with a fucking rager. Oh, nice. Nocturnal. Dude, yeah. I started that testosterone.

Oh, okay. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And it works. Oh, it's amazing. It's crazy how amazing it is. Yeah.

pinning tonight. Pinning? Yeah, you pin you pin like you inject yourself so it's called pinning. It's called micro. It's microdosing. Have you had rage cycles yet? I'm starting tonight. I haven't had, I haven't had rage.

I've actually gotten a little bit. It's like this is making me, it's getting me there. Yeah, you guys, are you rubbing it on? Are you pinning? No, rub it, don't ever do the, the, why? Because, first of all, you can't be around children or animals for like two hours.

Oh, yeah, who? Remember that kid? Women who are pregnant. This guy was doing the cream in his chest all the time. And he was, he had a baby and the baby started growing like hair and his tongue and face. Oh my God. Now that baby's in the surface.

Oh, I thought you had a baby. I thought you were, he was like touching it all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're, when you're on propitia and stuff like that, like I still take it for someone.

Why? Yeah. Hey, it's not working. You can stop. Damn. I spray every day. Why? Because I'm,

you're wasting money. Go to Turkey and just get it done. I've had a couple people. Wait, it's done, though. The turkey? No. My hair? Yeah.

What do you wait? Are you trying to keep your sides? You know, I had a... Nobody loses their sides. How come up no one lose their sides? I know, what is that about? Why don't they also lose sides? That doesn't make any sense.

It's crazy. Just where the sun can hit it the best, you lose that? Yep. In my mind, I feel like I'm still young. It's bad. Pretty young. Yeah, but you think that the propitious someday is going to work? I swear, man, sometimes you find a spray.

out and it's like it's gonna come back. Yeah, but that sprout, someone goes, who comes out. It has no roots. You just hear it go, ow, and jump. Oh, I hate when my barber cuts that stuff. You what?

I have a barber. You have a barber? For what? Fifty box. Dude, I'll do it for 20. Oh, dude, that's got to be just a shaver. Same length. He does one, and then he'll tease me with scissors. You know, make me feel good.

He's at the top? Yeah. He just doesn't buy your head as he's surfing the ground. I don't mind. I think he's at the American Girl Hospital. I just hear it. I tell you what,

I don't mind not having hair. I don't mind it. I like this. When I had hair, the amount of shit I had to do, it was curly to, to make it presentable for the night, sucked.

Like the stuff you put in it, hair dry, you know, look, and then you go out, especially when you start to lose it, and I got the widow's peak, I would have to, like,

make, I would have to, like, spring it down. There was none. I would wake up the next day with a girl and she'd look at me like, who are you? Disgusting. Yeah.

Tricked me. What are you? A fat vampire? My ex bought me the fucking shakers. I use it. The magnetic hair? Magnetic hair. What?

Yeah. It was so embarrassed. It does work until it rains. Yeah, if it rains. Oh, and then it's so embarrassed. What's magnetic hair? Yeah, then you look like the fibers. Yeah.

You look like someone from Kiss who had a rough night. Yeah. What do you mean magnetic? It's a fiber is that magnetically stick to you. What magnet? They use it in Hollywood a lot. But what magnet? It's, it's, it's, it's, so if you have a bald spot in the back or you have like a little widow's peek, yeah, they'll just shake it in and it will fill in those spots. On TV, it's incredible, but what's magnet's on your head. It's not a magnet. It's like, uh, magnetic fibers. Yeah, it's like, so it causes, it causes, like,

it causes like friction or whatever it is, right? Yeah. Static. It looks static, static, static. That's that. That makes more sense. A lot of, a lot of movie stars. Very temper. Temper. So it's like first, yeah. It's an hour. Like if you did a show, you maybe put some on. At the time, yeah. Okay. Now I'm just, I've come to turn.

You can't go to Bush Gardens with it on. My hair. Get it in his eyes. You blind a bunch of people behind you on the flume. The Pirates. Well, it's funny because there's black dudes do the ink for the... LeBron. Oh, yeah.

LeBron. Sharpies it? Did you see the boxer that had a toupee, like the hair system? And the guy punched it in a flap back. Oh, you didn't see that? No. Oh, God. Bring up the boxer that got punched.

This is the magnetic thing. Yeah, show us. That's not anything. Watch how amazing this is. This will blow you on it. You've seen this video before. No, I just know the game. I know people that we know who use this.

Name names. No. Please, please. No. Okay. Okay. That's just a nice comb over. Wait till this.

A real high-tech coma. So he had the hair surgery, by the way. You can tell. He looks like a doll being. He had the old school hair surgery. Because it's straight across. You can just tell by the way. You can tell the line.

Yeah, looks like a wig. Very. Yeah. These are all the different. Two exact of the line. Yeah. Yeah. Look how amazing this is.

And they pick the color and then they shake it on. For an hour, this guy believes he can fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they spray it on. Yeah. Watch this. This is nuts.

I got it. Mind you, this is a professional hairstylist doing this. You cannot do this at home. Yeah. You need to go in for a few hundred bucks or something. Sounds like a challenge. It sucked just to find a bunch of pieces of paper with black on it like you're an airbrush artist.

Yeah, some chick comes over and it's like, what are these black pieces? This is a Hollywood stylist. That's terrible. That looks like a full wig. No, no, wait. I'm not waiting. I've made my decision now. I've judged it before it's done.

Oh, that looks great. Wow, it really does. That looks like a full set of hair. I don't like it. I've seen it in, someone was filming their special. That's not even like fake tits. That's like a stuffed bra. Yes, that's hair.

Very much. I mean, that's a full head of hair. Yeah. You get that in the morning and you're like, that was kind of right. You're right about the hairline, though. It does look crazy. Yeah. It looks ridiculous.

Yeah. But that fades after a few hours? Oh, yeah. It comes off when you take a shower. Okay. Then you become that fucking wretched guy with fucking mange. Yeah, and you just look at the bottom of your toes covered in black. It's like worse than hooking up with a slump buster.

What's a, oh, God. Like a one out of ten? You never fuck this slump buster? What's a slump buster? It's a slump. It's notorious in baseball. Oh. You're in a slump.

You fuck a pig. You mean like if a guy's pitching or has a, like a, has the yippus? It works. It works all. Yeah. If Chuck Knoblock fucked his slump buster, you wouldn't have, he would have been able to throw it a first.

Okay. This is like proven. Really? Proven science. So they have her in the locker room after the, dude, you got to go get the slump bus. Sometimes on the road, like you just like,

like in the smaller towns, like when you're doing Kansas. city? Oh, you get yourself wine. A slumpbuster? Do you not have good sets? You get... Bats not sad. Do they know they're a slump buster? You go get some barbecue and then you fuck a pig. Yeah. It's disgusting. So you eat pig and then fuck a pig. Yes. And that showers like when that...

What if you're Muslim? Oh. I can't really do either one. You can't do either one. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if there's Muslim... You have to have lamb and then you have to call her a lamb. Oh, here it is right here. So this guy was fighting and he didn't connect his shit. good enough. Watch this is so good, dude. Watch this punch.

Oh my God. Wait, wait. He's punching it off. And they stop and they're like, the guy starts laughing. The guy's like, dude, what? It's like his mouthpiece fell out. So sad.

Oh, my God. Then he just ripped it off at the end. Do you know how many people send me DMs of this shit? They're like telling me to do it because I'll make a story just, you know, talking about going to Turkey. because the company in Turkey offered me a free hair. You don't want to get a bargain on that.

I don't want to. I agree. I don't want it. And again, why? I got a bargain on shoes. Why would you want to get a bargain on it? I want a guy. I want New York City. Yeah, but he's not getting a bargain.

He's getting a deal because they know him. They want me to make the content. He wants the clips. Exactly. Weird. I did have one. Well, you've done it. You've done it. Stay here for free.

I have not done it. You've done it. You did it for beer. Say I drink beer. You did. That stupid beer commercial you sell out. It doesn't affect my life. It affected your life financially.

I'm like getting surgery for somebody. So one company told me no because I saw my content. They didn't like the goon and stuff. Yeah. Well, I agree with that. You know, I don't like it. 98% men follow me. Yeah, I know.

But if I had a company, I wouldn't, if I saw you just jerking off for four hours, like maybe this is not guy. You know what I mean? Remember this guy who, you know, rubs guys abs. Not all the time. All right. I would 100% If they were like

Especially where hair transplants are now They're so It's at that point What like 15 years ago? Yes But now it's Anybody could do it They just know how to do it

You can It's painful though You get the machine It's very painful You're right about the guy in New York City There's a guy in Chicago Who did Erlacher The linebackers

He went from you to To what? To what? You know No I don't Good looking, not an end Oh wow Oh

Oh, not an if? Well, she called him an if. She called me. He said if they were together. If they were together, if. Big if. And then she made it a verb. A little bit of an inside joke.

You're an if? You never saw the planes from Turkey? It's just bald guys. Ball guys on the escalators, all with that fucking head warmer. The head warmer. Because if you go to Turkey right now and get a full health exam, you can get MRIs. You can get all kinds of stuff done to find. out if you're healthy and then get the work done right there for nothing for nothing and it's

high in labs it's all it's all you know it's here it's expensive they say the best doctors are I mean this they who's they right are Turkish doctors but the guy in New York City who does the Upper East Side one who's like no no he's a New York guy takes like a year to get his hair won't trust that this will be at least from Turkey I have seen guys hair he's got a like Like getting a fucking Mexican and cook or Italian food. No, this guy, this guy's amazing. I've seen the result. Is that the guy that Dan went to?

Everybody went to? Yes. Janine? Janine. I said Dan. Janica Rofalo. Oh, Daniel Jenice. Genex.

Oh, my mind. Do you mean Daniel? Dude, his hair. I don't know if he's publicly told anyone. About his hair? You don't get to keep it secret. Okay. No.

Daniel, Janine. Is that who you're talking about? Dan Soda got his hair done. He calls it a space one. Oh, I thought you meant Dan Janine. I didn't know him. Well, you just outed him. Who's Dan Janine?

I would say, don't say. He's another comic. Well, I would say don't say and you're just something terrible. So anyways. No, fuck him. You got fake hair. You're outed. The hair looks amazing.

Owned up to it. Fine, you did it. Yeah. No secrets. My buddy got his dick pumped. What? Yes. And he's got a bigger dick.

No way. Ryan Powell of Pillop Talk is publicly talking about having the dick surgery. Can I pay to get your balls shrunken? Yeah. Who's doing the dick surgeries? There's a guy in New York. There's a guy in New York.

He's got to wait a year. There's a guy in New York. He's going to wait five years. He's good, though. He's amazing, they said. And then there's an L.A. guy, too. Yeah, but the stuff they make your dick big with, there's two things. I know what you can happen.

It will, it can go down to your head and misshape your dick. Go down to your head? Yeah. It's like, uh, oh, it makes it, it makes it like weirdly girthy. It doesn't make it bigger. They can only make it wider. Gertie, yeah, yeah. They can't make a dick longer.

No, there are, you can. Not only wider is not bad. This is incorrect information. You can jelk your way two inches. What did you say? Jelk. Jelk. Who are you?

So many new terms. Raff, bring it up, bring up jelking.com. It goes to Bible. My Bible app. Jelking is that G-E-L-K or J? You're moving the blood. You're moving the blood. So you can do, you can make your own penis bigger.

Lymphatic drainage? That's just a boner. That's just jacking off to you get hard. I can't even work out every day, never mind to jelk every day. It's like women can lactate without having a baby, but that is a long process. That is disgusting. There's pills. Me every night.

I'm joking. You're just making cereal milk every night? You're insulting many women who are like self-lactating. And for what would they do that for? Because they want to be wet nurses. Oh. They want to be able to travel the country and feed guys who want titty milk. What?

Oh, God. You don't know what a wet nurse is? Yeah, wet nurse is for babies. Stop saying stuff like we're supposed to know you. Joking, wet nurse. None of us are in your weird world. I thought wet nurse was for babies. Midwife vibes.

Yeah. But that's more like culturally African. wet nurse. Culturally African? I like that. Culture, that's Big J. He's culturally African. He was today. Oh, Danny, you guys got to see this. It's just a little, we're not going to play a little thing. But we found Big J.

It was probably one of, from his first year. The funniest. Sucks. As a human, he sucks. What other funny? This is the point. There was three points in the thing where we were watching it where we all went, oh! Stop it. In fucking. Is it a little black? A little culturally African?

Oh, God. Well, we'll just. Let's take a look. We'll just, he's definitely a code switcher. Kind of like like like a Pete Davison? No, it's beyond that. Okay, cool. This is beyond.

Go to the beginning of it. Go all the way to the beginning. Is this the whole thing? No, this is, uh, they didn't have the whole thing. Okay, just go to the beginning. Is it in Philly? Uh, it's in Philly. It's in Philly.

It's at a black room. Black room that's closed down. He's being brought up. This is like his fifth time going on stage. Oh, God. Oh, play it. Oh. Right.

Already. Stop, stop, stop, stop, go back, go back. So proud of himself. The slow stroll to the stage, too, like, yo, this is called Swagger. He's going up like he is a pimp and then turns into a hack. Big day. By the end of this set, he's just a prop comic. It was one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of.

This guy played again. So good. He couldn't even do that right, he's just like. So. fast. Go back. You're going to hear his first words. Go back just to his first words right when he goes, cut it. Keep it rolling with that.

Everybody left now. Everybody relax. Now. Keep it rolling though. And then he goes immediately. What does that mean? Keep it rolling. Is he just trying to rhyme to set up the next joke? No, he doesn't know what black people say and he thought that's what they say. Like we're having fun. Let's keep that rolling.

Let's keep it rolling. Let's keep the fun rolling. You guys ready to have fun now? Rolling. Let's keep it rolling. The funniest thing is going, I don't know black culture really at all, but I think that they're so unintuitive that I could fake it to them and they won't know the difference. Yeah, yep.

Oh, and he really, they knew the difference immediately. Yeah. We don't, you know we practiced that. You don't just go up and do fomph like that. He stole that from some of the black comments. And black people don't even do that anymore. No. No, I think he dropped the mic at the end too, by the way.

Really? Oh, he wrote it in. Yeah. Yo, I'm done. That I'd come up first. shirt you took off like yeah i actually i have it and i don't know if i'm going to ever bring it out but i have one of my one of my first sets let's check it uh i don't have it here it's on vhs tape let's keep it i've had yo dust up a tv cr i have to i have to transfer it to uh you can put it on put put it on

cd oh one of your first sets on v is vhs is vhs yeah That's fine. Big if now. Big. Big. Big. Yeah. Big.

That's crazy. My first time on stage is on tape. Hand you a big tape. Maddie. Maddie, we had to, we had to buy blank tapes so we can make tape to send off. Yeah. To age and stuff. You would send them in the mail?

Blank seven mineters. Yeah. Maddie, you had to get. hilarious. You had to get headshots done by the 500s. And then. It wasn't worth it. Then you had to get your resume on the back and staple it.

Or staple them. Okay. And then you, and at the bottom, and at the bottom, and at the bottom, skills. No. Like, you know, juggling. Yeah. Skateboard. This kind of languages.

Spanish. Juggling was always one juggler. Yeah, right, dude. That's not a skill. I won't need that. I'll get an actual juggler. Literally. Some magic. Yeah, you had headshots. That was it. You would mail shit out. You would have, and you would find out in the mail if you got something.

If a comment, that was like, that was funny. Send me a tape. Yeah. That means like, send me a link for, it's so much. The head shot, all the head shots downstairs are from the time of when you had to have. I had boxes of headshots at my house with the resume on the back. You'd have to. And then they got the ability to print the resume right on the back, and it was like, Game to Drew.

Whoa. I just saved a week of my life. Technology. You remember business card days? We'd have your picture on a business card. You'd have a business card like American Psycho, and you'd check out my business card. Dude, I found, yeah. You remember I had Al in the Monk?

My improv group, I had Al in the Monk. Business advice. Oh my God. So proud of yourself, here you go. If you liked what you saw. I was out back after some commercial audition, we threw something in a dumpster and we opened it up and it was just full of discarded headshots from the casting director.

Just denied dreams. There's thousands. I have old headshots of mine in my mom's attic. Really? Yeah, you had to go get new headshots all the time. You ever look at them and go, I was hot. Really? Yeah, he was hot.

They were good. That guy sucked. too. Yeah, my headshot. And then I got to a phase of my life where I couldn't take a good headshot. You had to be like on a top of a building zooming down and me doing this, stretching out everything. Take it. Take it.

Yeah. I found an old one, like old old one. I was moving. It was between two books. And I was like, Liz, do you want like a headshot from my like third year? It's like, bring that. I will put that up. Yeah, you guys, now it's all digital.

You don't need head shots. And then you would, the photographer would pick one for you or you would go in and be like, You'd narrow it down. You'd narrow it down. They had 400, like, give me 50, and I'll make those into the proof. Oh, you had to go, your agent would pick theirs that they thought they liked. You'd have these that you could go like that. Yeah, yeah.

It's good. It'll look like a negative. Really? That's crazy. C4. That's great. It sucked me in a comic back of the day. And when you hired... When you hired somebody to tape you, they showed up with, like, a camera they would have to put on...

I'll have the story in about a week. Yeah, not a week. It was usually a month. Yeah. I had to transfer. Once I get it, I had to transfer it to another VHS. When I, I, remember you had to have a, you had to have a reel. Yeah.

On a tape. You had to have the acting. Stand up or acting. You'd have to have a stand up and you're acting. One or the other. On a tape. And when you wanted an audition, especially if you lived in New York, they would send your tape to L.A. for them to look at to give you an audition.

I was in L.A. one time and they wouldn't give me an audition because they didn't know who I was. And they were like, we only, we need a tape. We need to watch a tape. So my, my agent knew that I wasn't going to get it, like just, you know, from my tape. So he stepped on my tape and mailed it. So when it got to them, they went, the tape's broken. He goes, ah, shit, I don't have time to send another tape. Just bring them in.

That's great. And I didn't get it. And that was friends. I didn't book them hard. Whoops. What was the biggest thing you've ever been up for that you didn't get? The fucking, the new black movie, whatever it's called, Avatar. Yeah.

I was thinking sinners. Hang on one second. Sinners, Black Panther. Yeah. Well, the old new black movie. Yeah. Wait a minute. That's a black movie.

It's about blacks. They're kind of black. They're like black. Yeah. They have like black features. Yeah. They're like water people, but you can tell they're black. The tail that they fuck each other with.

What is black? They're black lips. Not literal, but yeah. It's like. It's like Africana. So wait a minute. It's like culturally African. sent around a fucking sacred shit.

Yeah. I mean, they have like dreadlocks and corner. Dreadlocks. Long limbs. They're right low riders. They're good at track. Yeah, high sea usually. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was more Indian. Play with cigars. You didn't watch Avatar? Play with cigars. What else? Ennissey. Loud. Yeah. Strong, loud women

that beat up dudes. Were you actually up for that? Yeah, and then it was me and another guy. And then Michelle Rodge, they were like, we're going to just have. between you two. Skyneau from commercials. Were you going to be the nerd? Yes. When they come in and I was going to go,

we have you in this. Yeah. Welcome to this fucking land. The scientist? Yes. You know it's so fucking weird. The nerdy scientist, right? I lost a role to him too. That role? No. The guy who got it. The guy who got it. I lost a role to that dude too.

Dane had a pilot to Dane Cook Show. He had a in the pilot, his best friend Bobby from Boston. And that guy booked that. That guy booked that. I lost it to him. He booked Dane's best friend from Boston Bobby.

And it was literally... You couldn't get Dane's best friend from Boston Bobby based on you. His tape was broken. That sucks. I would kill myself. If I didn't get Maddie from Buffalo, I'd be like, I'm quitting. How did you ever try again for anything? It took a while.

It took a while. I was like, I could. I definitely can't get anything. Yeah. Hey, can you play that guy sitting in the chair right now? How's this? We're going to give it to the guy standing up. You were just sitting in the chair.

It's you. Like, oh, how am I doing it? Is that right? Am I doing it right? Unbelievable? What's going on? Is this guy sitting in it's there? The guy who said.

Bobby from Boston, who's my best friend. This is what the guy said. Hi, Dane. Hi, Dane. The guy said I was at MGM in a theater with the head of Sony

I mean the heads. All the heads. And it was a theater and there was only like maybe eight people and you had to come down and audition with Dane. I was doing it with Dane. It was down to three people and that dude was one of them. Red Johnny and the Round Guy, you know, remember them? Okay, well they were big back when I moved to New York. They were like the funniest little sketch group, whatever.

and one of those guys was there too. So it was us three. And they came out and they said, Dan was like, I really want him to get it. He was really fighting for me to get this. Yeah. Because it's Bobby for Boston. Yeah, he's Bobbi.

Yeah, he's best friend. And it's his show. And I'm staying with Dane. And that's going to be an uncomfortable ride home. Yep. Yep. And Dane went, Dane, Dane told me this lady, he goes,

he said it to the head of it. He goes, is it because he's bald? And the guy from somebody went, we do like hair here at Sony it was down to hair he should have written the ball part because he forgot to write that in they were like we're matching again

so they're picturing someone else yep they're picturing the best was Voss went I think he was hosting at the stand and Keith went up and he goes Keith right he was so funny you know give it up for him and he goes you know this business is so fucking shitty

they were like you know he had a heart attack or stroke whatever and his arm does work and he was But he's a talented actor. And there was a role. This is all Vostok. He was like, there's a role that calls for a guy who had a stroke. And he's like, this is my last train.

And he prepped so hard. And he had them like, in the audition, like, crying and laughing at different moments. I crushed it. And they were like, I mean, that was so good. I mean, we're looking for someone who's like, right side doesn't work. Oh. I'm really sorry. It was just a writer.

Just didn't write the right side. Yeah. Yeah. You're right there. Really, it's professional, though. You have an auditioned at a long time. Not for a quite thing. You're still doing it, right?

Yeah, here and there. That's the worst. I just got sick with all of them. I've never, like, I don't want this. You don't do it? No, I just do the podcast. Yeah. Podcasts with the...

I think podcasting took over acting roles. Yeah. Comedians. Yeah. Who wants to be a fucking act? I'm gonna be a week somewhere for five grand. And you're like, on what? Something I think is awful

Yeah you're like that's a big time Most of the time Just be sitting around all day I mean it'd be cool if it was a cool show But I like it I like being on a set In the trailer Yeah I like being on a trailer

Crafts services Yeah Oh yeah Oh you love it Friendly with a couple key grips Making them have a little small time Oh you're funny A double distraught me tomorrow

Yeah Yeah I love when they come around With the late night meal Yeah It's so great Come out little like mini horser Yeah

I feel like they always have new stuff smoothies. Yeah, like you're better than people. Yeah, it is cool. It's nothing better than being on a set. Bobby, Bobby, like, wait, I'm almost done with this scene. Hang on a second. Don't move, don't move. Yeah, I like all that shit. And you're like a surrogate family for a month.

And you get your trails. That's why people fall in love all those high level actors. Oh, yeah. They all cheat. You have to cheat. You can't be sleep. You can't be here with somebody for two months doing a sitcom. No. And not fuck. You're gonna fuck. Within like two days. You're gonna fuck.

Yeah. Yeah, you gotta, this should be like, you know, it's okay. You're gonna fuck somebody. Hot wife situation. What's that? The hot wife from before. Hot wife, not cheating. Oh, hot wife where you could fuck somebody.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't know what that is, do you are? No. It's just another thing. It's another theory of. A theory? Sexual. Whatever.

You know, a school thought. The whole life movement. It's a contract. Yes. It's a conchrad wife. It's like cock light. Cock light. So you have a hot wife.

Who flirts with people? Who fucks people? It flirts fine. And what? How's that light? But she's respect you. Because cock involves like degrading the guy. Whereas hot wife is like, yeah, that's my hot wife.

There's a whole brand. Oh, like I'm tough about it. That's all it is. Like, yeah, I got the hot wife and she's going to fuck that guy because she's hot. So many, like, specialties. Yeah, I know. They just keep digging. It's like one of those things you zoom in.

and it's like, oh, it reveals a world. It's so weird that we're the only animal that wants to lick every hole. Yeah. Do something different. Bonobos. What? What? A what?

Bonobo. So. Are they licking ass? Please bring a. What's a bonobo? It's the closest primate we have. So it's a monkey. Yeah.

Christopher, Ryan, sex at dawn. What are they? Whole book space. He's one? He's a bonobo? He, he, he, he, I don't. I don't. That sounds so racist.

He was an avatar. Bonobo. We should start using that. They don't know what it is. Just call anybody that. Let's call Chinese bonobos. That's why I like calling people a Jumok. There's a lot of bonobos on at the cellar right now.

But Jumok sounds too racist. That's a bono. That's an AI. Bonobo. That's not a bono. It's just a monkey. What is that? That's our closest primate, you know.

It's a chimpanzee. That guy's eaten while fucking. Are they fucking? What a cartel leader, move. Crazy. Yeah, ride a bitch.

Yeah. Yeah, bitch. And he's riding her. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a double ride. Yeah. That's so weird. He's got piazzanese.

So that's just a different type of monkey? So it's our close to primate and Christopher Ryan wrote a book about it how their sexuality is kind of like me where it's like kind of, you know, women, but you know what I'm saying? Do they fuck other monkeys? You know, some, some guys. with abs, you see. They have Ari Shafir. Nice.

That's a distant relative. Yeah. Not distant. That's one cousin away. That's first cousin. Brain on his butt. Is that his asshole? I don't know.

That's Ari. Is that ass or balls? Ari, that looks exactly like you. He's got my ears, for sure. Yeah. He's got your ears. He's prolapse. Definitely got your fucking creepy chimp fingers.

The arms are not right. Feet are dead on. That's your asshole. That's 100% your asshole. That's 100% my ass. I've seen your asshole and that's it. Yep. So yeah, he wrote a book about that.

So those are two, those are females, right? No, I think what happened. He wrote a book about bonobos. It's a crime drama. Those two of the main characters, they got to find who's infiltrated their ranks. I tell you what, they look relaxed as shit. They look like they're having a blast. They jerk each other off.

That's not. With what? That one's got nothing. I don't know if those ones jerk each other off. What's that word? First of all, what's this one going? That's a vagina. Is that ass?

That's a butt. I think it's the vagina and the asshole. But I think that, you know, they're almost connected. Yeah, but that's one thing. They're just swollen from being fucking dirtballs all day. Yeah. Do you have a male bonomo, please? Can we see them?

Bonobo. What is it? Bonobo. Bonobo. Bonobo. Bonobo. Bonobo? That's weird, dude.

Yeah, but they, listen, they're not, what I'm saying is we have to take it. We take sex to crazy. Most animals just fuck. Yeah. We have to lick, suck, put stuff in it. Date. Watch your wife get off. Jerk off in the corner. There's no

bonobo that's going to, you know, go hey, fuck my wife. Hey, I'm a cook. Yeah. No. No, you're a... I'll sit here. I didn't say I want to see young... I'm not a fucking pedophile. Petro bonobos. Young, young bonobos. I don't want to see a little kid bonomo fucking dick. Jeff, everything comes in and just

grab. Yeah. That's a bonobo raping a frog. Oh, that's that one? Oh, maybe I'm wrong about these things. It's Timb's a frog's a frog. He's just fucking a frog's mouth. Oh, wow.

Have you ever done that? What's that called? Hot frog. What's that called? Frogging. He just kills it. It just kills it. It comes out of its asshole.

Oh, poor frog. Why? You don't know. It's all the way to the back. That frog's dead. That frog might be a slut. Maybe the frog's into it. I like you do a different positions, too.

Like, how you get that. That's what I do to my flesh. Here, you get on top. He's Joe Rogan fucking it. Yeah. Fleshlight. He's using a... He's a spell on his fingers.

Yeah. Oh, you're a frog? I don't even look. Yeah. He's a frog. No, he just wiped the blood off from killing it. Ew. All right, get that.

I don't like that. Get it off. Get it off. We can't look away, but I definitely... I know, I don't like it, but I love it. It's halfway done. I do fuck very similar. How long is he...

Who threw the poor frog in there? Yeah, yeah. he's just fucking a frog. Oh, you know you're going to try to fuck a frog later. Yeah, I'll tell you. Poor frog thought he was going to get in Eden and this is worse. Yeah. A frog jumped in and I think he's going to go on one of those animal adventures from Disney.

They're going to go to solve something. I just get to fuck the death right there in the cage. All right. Well, listen, we're going to wrap it up on that. We're going to go to Patreon for a couple minutes. We have questions for everybody. so if you're a fan of the Patreon a member of the Patreon, just hang in there.

We're going right into it with no pause. If you're not a member of the Patreon, go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and become a member. I think it's five bucks a month. That's easy. No, it's fucking great. It's nothing.

Yeah. Why haven't they done it yet? Cup of coffee. You must be only talking to people who already do it because that's nothing. It's nothing. Yeah. No, it's nothing.

And it all goes back into the show. That's how I pay these guys. and that's how I buy my frogs. You literally have a team of four people on their cell phone while one works. Yeah, well, they have all auditors. Oh, you just hang. He's a comic. He's like, I'm here, kids they have a seizure.

You introduced me to something weird. What was the thing you introduced me to? What was that website you introduced me to? Oh, Sniffies. What's that? Oh, Sniffies. What is the party called again? Oh, it's called a dump, a dump and run?

A pump and dump. What? What do you mean? I don't want to bring it up. It's too late. Pump and dump. What's sniffies? Sniffies.

I assume pump and dump is you go to someone's place. You fucking unload in their ass and you leave. Yeah, that's pretty much. There's like 17 of them. What's the most pumping dump you've ever been to? I've never been to any. 75. Come on in.

Wait, wait. You have to put up a new number as you go in? Yeah. You submit like a picture of yourself. I've never done this. Yeah, yeah. We get it. Okay.

Do you want it? I'll tell you on the Patreon. Wait, wait, but it does what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good point. Yeah. That's a great point.

Right here talking to his mic. Don't get your fucking cum breath on... Yeah, you don't want... Why? Because yours is already on it. What? Oh! This is why you hang out of podcasts.

I'm just trying to get laid. No, but so you basically... So there's like... You post like a thing where you're like, hi, I would like to host a pump it up. Here's where it will be. And it's like a little icon. And you tap on it and if you want to go,

you submit like pictures of yourself and they approve it. And then an observer can see this is the host, and it's usually a butt, and then you see all the dicks that are going to go to the pump and dump. It's a lot. Is the butt hidden from, like, is the person hidden is just the butt coming out? Like, kind of like a glorious. Yeah, most profiles and sniffies are anonymous, so it's just dicks and butts. So if the butt looks like one of these bonomo assholes, you don't have to go.

I mean, it looks like you've already, if it looks like one of those, it's already happened. All right, listen, we're going to go. We're going to go to the Patriot right now. What do you got going on? I go wherever Ryan Long goes. So I'm just two goons' podcasts. Okay. Does he goon to?

No, he's not a gooner. Oh, good, thank you. No. He's normal. He just, he... You guys will be late for all your shows? Sorry, I was gooning. So wherever Ryan Long's going right now and then two goons podcast,

where the hottest porn stars. All right, check out. What do you got? Yeah, Maddiesmithcom. I'm on tour. Madhouse podcast. There you go. Fucking hilarious.

Ari, you got your new show. I have a new show that you're in? I'm in. Click on that one. All right. You look super cute in your photo. Thanks. You look like Bobby from Boston.

Heavily photoshopped. Wait. I'll put all episodes. Let's see yours. Oh, you have... I don't know how to use this website. Go down. Go down.

Is there any down? All right, I really don't know how to use this website. Roll down. All right, go back. Go back. Now go up. Every ever goes up. Go down.

Right there. Click on that. VIP. Oh, that's all that. down there. Oh, scroll down. Look on the second to last one. Look on the third to last one. Third of the last one. So now, explain people this. You have seven episodes. Boom. There you are. Wow. I'm on with Dan Soda, Sarah Talamash, Shane Gillis. Oh, that's great. And Sam,

that's a good one. Good lineup. Heavis. So what made you, what made you not? I got to redo that. I should be out of this. And then we got to rearrange it. But that's the lineup. Let me ask you question. Because we We shot it, it was a different show When we shot it, but Sarah was on my show. Yeah. What made you, did you? Schedule, themes.

The themes. Yeah. Okay. This one is, um, uh, ruminations and one I used to suck. Okay. Really? Really?

Yeah. So, the story's about sucking in your past? You told a story when you sucked doing this. I sucked? Yeah, you were, you sucked. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think it was that. Yeah, you were like, that guy in the story, like I sucked. Okay. Oh. Yes, this sucked. It wasn't sucking. No, it wasn't sucking. It was just this guy sucked.

I get it, yeah. If you ever have a pump and dump episode, I have a great story from Bathhouse. Okay, well, we're going to go to Patreon for that. We're going to go for Patreon because I do have some questions about this. About Ari Show, we're going to go to Patreon for, and we have questions for everybody. I'm going to be, so make sure you go right now.

What's the website? Ariashafir.com. Ariashafir.com. This is self-produced. This is he. If you want to get just by, Bob's episode, you can wait until April 16th, and just buy that one for six bucks.

But how much, just to buy all of them? Presale, 25 bucks. Go, listen, don't fuck around. Get all seven episodes. That's a whole season of a television show that you get for $27 and you own it, right? Yeah, but that's, yeah. You don't want to do that?

I think I should raise it. That seems pretty low. It's disgustingly low. It should be 50 bucks. or $55 for seven episodes. I should at least have a slave out of you. You should get it for whatever, but then I get to make you do push-ups sometimes.

It's like you caught a baseball. Yeah, yeah. So right now you get it for $27, but tomorrow it's going to be $57 for our seven episodes. Hurry up. Before I come to my senses. Hurry up before the fucking asshole knows that he's a Jew and looks in a mirror.

You were great, Bob. I did your sound mixing today. It was so funny. It was so funny. It was, it's one of my favorite things I've done. It was so fun and it was so beautifully shot. Good hang. It was such a good hang.

What a good show. And the lineup is, I mean, Ash, you couldn't, nobody could have got this lineup. This is like all your friends and all the people you like. Both other hosts of the Bonfire are on your episode. Yeah. Is Jay on my episode? No. Oh.

Both other hosts. Who? Dan? Dan. And who else? Yeah. Oh. I almost called the second fiddles.

Yeah. I don't even know if I'm a fiddle. I think I'm a harmonica. Anyway. Anyways, Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and come to Comedy of Irvin, in Summerview, New Jersey,

the third Thursday of every month. Also, check out Bobby Kelly at Comics Roadhouse, Mohegan Sun, April 17th and 18th, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey at Uncle Vinnie's Comic Club, April 24th, and 25th, in Cleveland, Ohio, May 15th and 16th.

But make sure you check out the May 21st. I'll be at Stanford New York Comedy Club for one night only. Get your tickets now because tickets are selling. And I'm going to New Orleans to do a little run at the Holland Wolf on the 22nd. I heard it's fun. And then the Crescent Theater and Mobile Alabama on the 23rd. So make sure you check that out and go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly from my dates.

Joe, what do you got? I just go to Instagram and go to Jokes Russell. There you go. We'll see you guys next time on, you know what, dude.